i love that the whole of that final ep is just all these characters setting themselves on the path of healing, that none of them are magically fixed, but instead are all committing to creating a world where not only they can heal, but where they can stop others from hurting. because it was never about a single person’s journey, it was about how a system managed to hurt and repress and ignore everyone in it, and how it’s only them wanting and fighting for better, for themselves and for the people they care about, that has the ability to destroy that system, and set in place a community that includes everyone. it’s only after the sun and moon have crossed each others passed, once the world has been shrouded in black, that clear blue skies can be seen again.

the eclipse, i love you.

Victor Frankenstein and Frustration: a Not-Essay, because I can’t structure for shit.

Alright, I’ll try to keep it as clean and concise as I can, but at the end of the day this is a sorta-heat-in-the-moment thing I’m writing while all the ideas and motivation are in me yet. I will be jumping around alot of topics, as this covers alot of ground, but I can’t say I’ll do it with grace: for this, I apologise.

I’ve noticed a trend in online lit fandom, not just on Tumblr, to condense Victor’s character to something roughly following “arrogant, ineffectual and selfish weenie who failed horribly at parenting, who ought not to be taken seriously in any significant way, largely in-due to his constant whining“ --In other words, a right twat.

And here’s the thing: largely, I agree.

However, what I take issue with, I suppose, is largely how this is all framed.

See, fandom has a tendency to sort characters into boxes, and then pick favourites or bête noires from that selection; this is helpful for the largely memetic(as in, shareable,) nature of online spaces; but where I think this thinking falls short is that it tends to divide casts into More Good or More Evil, with little room for nuance.

I think you can see where I’m going with this.

Victor Frankenstein, by all accounts, is an incredibly frustrating character to witness; he gets way in over his head, isolates himself from his loved ones, leaving them worried, deems those ambitions failed, hides from them, then when shit starts hitting the fan, he takes initial actions to try and mitigate the consequence, hits a roadblock, either stops their or chooses an even worse option, someone else gets hurt, he whines, rinse and repeat until the final act of the book, as the stakes get higher and higher and his mental state deteriorates more, and more, and more. If you look at this entirely from an outsiders’ perspective, as you, the audience, being subjected to his moaning time and time again, it can wear on you and your sympathies-- Needless to say, I Get It™.

I think, however, it needs be remarked that Victor is also just some guy. 

What I feel is often missed, is that even before Victor goes to university, he has just suffered the loss of his mother, with little time to recover, and that all of this is being told in hindsight, on his deathbed.

When Victor took on, all by himself, at twenty-two years old, not even letting anyone else know what he was up to, the monumental task of creating life, and then finding that life horribly botched, he did not have the perspective that what he created was equivalent to a newborn child-- For all he knew, he might have animated an actual demon. It isn’t until two years later, after the death of his little brother at the hands of said demon, the he’s even remotely made aware of this.

Victor had worn himself out over the course of several months, physically and mentally, to this one task. He was not equipped to deal witht he consequences. I do not say this to downplay the weight of his actions, or the horrible mess of events that come afterwards, but to state perspective. Victor does not have the hindsight we have at the time of this act. I cannot stress this enough. As much as I enjoy Deadbeat Dad Vick jokes, I get the feeling many people actually view the story from this lens, and hold Victor up to that standard.

Then there’s the trial of Justine: a horrible, useless, unneeded and avoidable affair that ends in even more senseless death. This is where alot of people’s sympathy for Victor runs out-- For more than understandable reasons. He failed to act accordingly, to share the information he had, deeming it to be either dismissed instantly or for himself to be put under scrutiny; it’s clear he’s passionate about Justine’s innocence, but he cannot push himself past his fear and doubt, and ultimately, it ends in her death.

It is a horrible, horrible moment, and one that cements the tone of the story from there on out.

These are two key events that largely colour this image of Victor so prevelant online; and it certainly doesn’t help, what with fandom being almost aggressively left-leaning at times, that Victor comes from a place of privilege; he is almost tailor-made to push all the buttons of fandom sensitivities.

Let me elaborate.

A key feature of Victor’s character is his complete and utter inability to ask for help; no matter how dire the situation. Victor feels, that, despite and even because of his incompetence, that it is his cross and his cross alone to bear. Any inolvement from others, such as Clerval when he heads to England, is hesitant and highly discouraged, even when he wants nothing more than to partake in the company of his loved ones, after all he’s been through. While it is also heavily coloured by the anguished sentiment that borders on self-absorption so much of the time, I think it is also worthy to examine this too.

Victor’s tendency to indulge in self-pity and self-loathing is nigh, if not entirely, all-consuming; it pervades the narrative to a painful degree, particularly as it comes from his recollections; it is often exhausting to read through, and nigh unbearable if you already hold a disdane from his previous actions; but here’s the thing I think most people miss,

Victor is depressed.

I don’t mean “ooh, he’s so sad, leave him alone 🥺,“ I mean the guy is fucking depressed, stuck in a constant cycle of attempting to make do but failing, hating himself even more, letting it consume him because he at once feels like he deserves to be consumed and it’s the only thing he can do then and there to soothe to pain as shit gets worse and worse.

Victor Frankenstein’s internal monolgue is a prime example of deep-seated, far-gone depression, and I say this because I myself have experienced and do experience this. Depression is fucking soul-sucking, man; it turns you in on yourself, makes you feel entirely undeserving of love and compassion, leaves you feeling like you must, have to, deal with this entirely by yourself because it is your cross to bear.

Depression is so often self-flagellating and pointless, leaving the subject drained and often largely unable to experience the world outside their own miserable little bubble.

Victor is so wrapped up in this soul-sucking guilt, attempting to fight his own ineffectuality and in doing so only furthering his own ineffectuality, refusing to ask for help, that he ends up putting the ones he’s trying to protect in further danger as he tries to scramble a hodge-podge solution to the problem he created and couldn’t have even begun to forsee its consequences at twenty-two years old. It is a painful, painful example of how if only he reached out, if only he told someone, was honest, all of this could have been avoided, or at least mitigated.

And I think that’s the thing with Victor.

He’s a kind of banal evil-- If such continuous stumbling can even be considered so --He is an example of every day self-isolation and refusal to let anyone else in ballooning to such a degree it ends in distaster.

People are far, far more willing to forgive Adam for his transgressions-- And I say this as someone far more sympathetic to his plight, what with the absolute abandonment he faced at the hands of humanity --Despite their far more horrific consequences; in many ways, they’re attributed to Victor’s failing; which isn’t entirely untrue,

But I have to wonder, if alot of this also comes down to the fact that Victor’s wrongdoings are so human; leaving someone in your care behind; not speaking up in cases of injustice; being self-involved; again, the constant whining. In a way, it’s the sentiment that in stories a horrible person is often far more bearable than an annoying one.

That doesn’t even begin to touch on how much of the bemoaning might largely be and often is directly post-hoc regret colouring all his previous actions. This, above all else, is a cautionary tale to a fellow idealist in the hopes that Robert Walton doesn’t Fuck Up the way he did. Victor stresses his regret and his failings and his misery time and time again because he wants to protect Robert from a similar fate; a fate that ultimately ends in his death.

Victor Frankenstein is a study in frustration; in audience frustration, self-frustration, narrative frustration; it seeps into every corner of the story.

I am not trying to defend Victor Frankenstein as a person; he is flawed; and he’s meant to be flawed. Victor, at the end of the day, is a deconstruction of the Byronic hero-- Of Great and Powerful Men on the Fronteers of History™-- And most importantly, I think, a deconstruction he himself undergoes. Victor eventually alerts someone, a Genevan magistrate, is doubted just as he feared, and then runs off to take revenge into his own hands.

It takes the death of Elizabeth Lavenza to do so.

Victor is a flawed, miserable man, but not an evil one. That doesn’t mean he deserved to have his life crumble around him.

He could have done better. Should have done better.

And he knows this.

His entire arc is about how he knows this.

Victor dies knowing this.

Him being unlikable doesn’t make him a bad character. Him being unlikable is part of the character; and in a meaningful way.

God, I don’t know how to end this. I’ll probably come back and edit this many, many times.

I guess I’m just tired of people flattening characters just because they’re not particularly endearing.

Korrasami had build up, just maybe not one you identified with and that’s okay...

I am tired of the LGBTQ+ community hating on Legend of Korra (LoK) for not being gay enough. The critique that there wasn’t enough build up is (1) not productive at all and (2) honestly, not true. There was build up. It may not be the build up every LGBTQ+ person will like, and it may not relate to the experience of every person’s coming out, but it was there. Korrasami was something the creators had tossed around as soon as Book 1 (not that they necessarily had permission to do anything about it). Take this quote from Bryan Konietzko’s tumblr post after the finale aired:

As we wrote Book 1, before the audience had ever laid eyes on Korra and Asami, it was an idea I would kick around the writers’ room. At first we didn’t give it much weight, not because we think same-sex relationships are a joke, but because we never assumed it was something we would ever get away with depicting on an animated show for a kids network in this day and age, or at least in 2010. (link)

The post also discusses how Makorra was never meant to be endgame after Book 1. Again, the time LoK was airing was at a point where states were passing laws to actively prevent gay marriage (LoK ended in 2014, legalization of same-sex marriage by supreme court ruling wasn’t until 2015––context is important). Did they actively write a romance in Books 1 and 2, no they did not. However, as many creators and writers, they let the characters lead them and they discovered that Korra and Asami were more than just friends. Again, taken from the same post:

The more Korra and Asami’s relationship progressed, the more the idea of a romance between them organically blossomed for us

So what we have with Korra and Asami is not a planned romantic relationship from the very beginning, however, the characters have been leading them there since the beginning, whether they realized it or not. Now, I am a big fan of Barthes’ “Death of the Author”, so I 100% percent think that viewers/readers have the ability to inject their own narratives and that multiple narratives can coexist. However, the point of this post is to explain why a critique of “wish they did more” is not productive when it comes to discussion of LoK of a piece of LGBTQ+ media representation. Therefore, I turn to the creators to show that there was intent and there was subtext and build up within Book 3 and 4 (as Bryan discusses in his post, please read in full when you have time).

A lot of Korrasami was hidden in subtext, and that happened because of homophobia within the industry, which still exists today. Content creators of LGBTQ+ media continue to have to walk a fine line. Take Noelle Stevenson talking about Catradora:

My big fear was that I would show my hand too early and get told very definitively that I was not allowed to do this

And like with Catradora (though a little easier since Noelle told viewers that every character is a part of the LGBTQ+ community by default unless explicitly stated otherwise), people saw Korrasami from as early as Book 2 (if not Book 1 on a rewatch).

At the time LoK started airing, I still thought I was straight; I still thought I was straight when I was watching the third season and telling my then boyfriend how Korra and Asami were going to be a couple by the end (literally, when they interacted in the first episode of season 3 while Asami taught Korra how to drive, I turned to him and said it; he said they would never do that and it was a pipe dream). I continued to see Korrasami’s friendship build into something romantic (even if the characters themselves were unaware of it).  

Come Season 3 Episode 9, where Asami carries away a helpless Korra, mimicking Katara having carried away a helpless Aang. For those who had watched the original series and were big Korrasami shippers, this scene basically made it canon. It could be argued as the point that maybe the friendship switched to something more romantic. The rest of season 3 and all of season 4 only added moments between these two (side note: I came out as bisexual soon after season 4 started airing, though I had been questioning my sexuality probably since the end of season 3).

Now is the Korrasami relationship perfect, absolutely not. Bryke admits as much, but it was a significant step forward. Again, this happened in 2014, so a lot of narrative within media of states passing laws to discriminate against same-sex couples and deny marriage. The hand-holding scene everyone screams about not being enough. Well, they received plenty of homophobic backlash from that.

The critique that they didn’t do enough is not productive. It is a critique that could be said about most main-stream LGBTQ+ media. I get that we are tired of scraps; I get that we are tired of having to read between the lines because creators are still afraid to come out and say it (pun intended). However, to critique LoK as “not being gay enough” ignores the context in which it was created and what that representation meant to many of the viewers (like myself) who were discovering themselves and their sexuality at the time.

Avatar: the Last Airbender (ATLA) was made for 8-13 year olds (from season 1), and I would argue that LoK was made for that same group of people, who would have then been 14-19 years old when LoK first aired. Thus, LoK was being watched by those entering high school and college––a time of self-discovery.

Additionally, a critique that LoK doesn’t do enough leads to an idea that there is “a right way” to create a LGBTQ+ relationship, which I would argue is harmful to the community at large. If you did not identify with Korra’s coming out, that’s completely valid. If you did not identify with the way the Korrasami relationship progressed, that is also valid. But you cannot invalidate the relationship of Korrasami, as a relationship built off a friendship and mutual respect that blossomed by into something more. The relationship was not sexualized with wistful glances and blatant sexual tension, instead, it was built on a friendship and respect for boundaries.

Again, multiple narratives can be drawn given each viewer has a unique set of experiences. One such reading could show that Asami was more in tune with her feelings for Korra than Korra was about her feelings for Asami. And, instead of flirting non-stop with Korra, Asami respects Korra’s space (though we all saw her check out Korra’s back muscles) and recognizes that Korra has a lot on her plate being the avatar, a relationship is not something on the forefront of her mind. It is only after defeating Kuvira (and the healing/growth from a few episodes prior in "Beyond the Wilds”) that Korra is able to truly understand her feelings to Asami, suggesting they take a trip together––just the two of them.

Now, you may not identify with that type of coming out, but other people do. And to argue that “LoK didn’t make Korrasami explicit enough” undermines the experiences of those in the LGBTQ+ who heavily identified with Korra’s experiences and her coming out.

Holding LGBTQ+ media to this higher standard is inherently toxic. I would like to believe that these creators are coming from a good place with good intentions. There is nothing toxic or abusive in the way Korrasami is portrayed. There is nothing unrealistic about the way their relationship progressed throughout the series. It was not a fan service––it was the natural progression of the characters.

And let’s not forget that Korrasami is not only confirming a relationship between two women, but it is also two women of color. Now, it may not seem like a huge deal within the contexts of the Avatar World, but it is important to remember the context of where this show was airing.

There are things we can critique LoK on. It isn’t perfect. We can discuss the hiring of white voice actors (as a way to hold new media that is being created or will be created accountable, not as a way to just hate on LoK); we can discuss the voices within the writers room and the lack of diversity there. These are critiques that can be made of ATLA and LoK and countless of other media produced. This is a valid critique when used constructively. It is not meant to tear down an entire piece of media and everything that it has done for various communities, but rather to point to a flaw within the way media is being produced and the racist, sexist, and homophobic systems in place that determine what and how media is produced.

If we are to critique, we could look to reimagining how we create and consume media, not tearing down media that has already been produced and stands in a pivotal spot of the community. As Audre Lorde says:

For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house.

If we are continually operating within the systems of oppression, we will never truly be able to dismantle them. Thus, to operate within the institutions of Nickelodeon, Netflix, Disney, etc. is to be beholden to the rules and constraints of a moderate, heteronormative, sexist, racist society. If creators stray too far from that line too quickly, there will be backlash. The perfect LGBTQ+ representation cannot exist while made within these institutions.

I would like to mention this statement is not to say that we cannot critique or boycott movies or shows that are performative in their diversity. There is no excuse for Hollywood after the successes of Black Panther (2018) and Crazy Rich Asians (2018) (and others) to not fill the crew and writers with the same representation being shown on the screen. We can, and should, hold production companies accountable––and given the internet, it is something we can do even early on in the production process.

I have gotten a little off track, but my point is, think about your critiques. Really ask yourself if it is a productive critique, or if it is critique that actually harms or is toxic to the community. Critiques are hard, I understand that. When we first start to think critically, it is easy to just jump on these “low hanging fruit” type critiques. It takes practice and comfortability learning and expanding your world view to construct a critique that looks at context from various point of views and experiences.

Healing (pt.1/3)

Yandere Chisaki Kai/Overhaul x quirkless!f!Reader

Part 2︱Part 3

a/n: please do not read this piece if themes of poor mental health are upsetting to you. i am in no way attempting to romanticize these issues, having dealt with them in the past and knowing all too well how serious it is. i have never endorsed the harmful actions of people in my work and never will. please take care of yourselves and read at your own discretion. also this is a repost because it disappeared from the tags for some reason?

warnings: mental health problems, injury

4.2k words

_____

This is for your own good, he said.

The world is a disease ridden place, and remaining in it has left you broken.

You weren’t broken, you were fine. Sure, handling the pressures of simply existing as a result of being born without a quirk were tasking. People had not exactly been kind to you growing up, and that may have affected your health significantly. But you were handling it just fine.

While you couldn’t disagree with the fact that people did seem to enjoy using you, whatever had developed as a result of him discovering this reality wasn’t better in the slightest.

He said you needed time to heal, both physically and mentally. You could trust him, he was the only person who saw how faultless your existence was.

At some point you felt like you deserved to be mistreated by everyone around you, given how common of an occurrence it was. So when the yakuza leader came to you himself, going on about how unfairly you’d been handled all your life, it was hard not to trust him.

Now, you realize just how big of a mistake doing so was.

To be fair, he did live up to his promises. Kai said he wanted to help you heal, and what better way to do that than to move in with him. He had all the necessary equipment, and more than enough money to provide for you during your rehabilitation process.

However, he failed to mention the lengths he was willing to go to ensure your ‘good health’. Thinking you would stay with him until you got better, and then go back to living on your own once any pre existing issues had been taken care of slowly started to become an unattainable dream.

Upon arrival at the yakuza’s base, Kai instructed that it’d be in your best interest to not leave the premises. There was plenty of courtyard space for fresh air, and anything you needed would be picked up for you. Your room had been spacious enough, luxurious almost. Aside from the underground network of facilities, you were permitted to have free range of the base. The only condition was that you kept an escort with you at all times. Generally, these terms didn’t seem too bad.

It wasn’t until you sat down in his office to go through the rest of your new living plan that you realized just how committed he was to seeing your health improve.

Everything was planned to a T. When you’d wake up, take medication, bathe, eat, go to bed. He had taken into account any intolerances or allergies and developed a comprehensive meal program that catered to them. The most important element was the checkups scheduled twice a week to monitor your physical health.

While you didn’t enjoy the idea of being examined so regularly, you couldn’t argue that you’d neglected many problems over your lifetime. Sure, blood tests and vaccine administered supplements weren’t fun. But for the sake of rehabilitation you supposed that it was just another necessary evil.

What was concerning was his policy on electronic devices, specifically for recreational use. According to him, having a phone would only hinder the process, and therefore it wasn’t something you needed.

“Should you require anything you need only to ask either myself or a subordinate. Seeming as you should always have an escort there will be no issue with the matter of not being able to contact anyone.”

Kai truly had everything covered, and with how reassuring he was it became hard to see any flaws in the plan.

And so you took up residence in the leader’s base, grateful for the opportunity to live without being weighed down by society's corrupt expectations.

_____

The first few weeks went fairly smoothly, using the time to learn the layout of the establishment. Not that you could ever get lost, with one of his subordinates trailing you in case you required assistance. You quite enjoyed the company of Chisaki’s underlings, along with that of the man himself.

Every day you’d spend time in the courtyard, or go for a walk along the path against the inside edges of the base. Oftentimes Kurono would accompany you, and the two of you would make small talk over menial subjects. Later on you’d return to Kai’s office where you’d sit on the sofa positioned to the side of the room, reading a novel he’d selected while he worked at his desk.

Generally, your experience went fairly smoothly. The distance you’d put between yourself and the reality outside those tall concrete walls had done a lot of good. However, not everything can be solved with simply removing yourself entirely from a bad situation.

Although your living quarters were comfortable and welcoming, there was something unfamiliar about it that was off putting. To combat this, you decided a quick trip home to pick up a few belongings couldn’t hurt.

It’d only taken you roughly twenty-five minutes to travel back on foot to your small, cheap little single floor house on the edge of town. Another ten to gather some items, and then you walked back to the base. However, upon returning you’d come to understand how badly you’d messed up.

It was early in the morning before you’d left, and there were no examinations scheduled either. Not wanting to bother anyone with your needs, you had left the base alone without notifying Chisaki.

That was your first mistake.

He was waiting for you at the front entrance, arms crossed with an aggravated look on his face, although it was hard to read given the mask hiding a good half of his facial features. But if that didn’t give away his anger, then the death grip he placed on your forearm as he dragged you to your designated bedroom did.

He practically threw you inside the room, slamming the doors behind him. He only took a second to compose himself before speaking. “I thought I made it very clear that you were not to leave the premises, let alone by yourself.”

You knew Chisaki was quite the stern man, seeing first hand once or twice with how he treated his subordinates. But this was new, he’d never gotten mad at you, let alone get physically aggressive.

“I didn’t think it’d be a big deal, I was just grabbing some things to make my room a little more comfortable.”

“Did I not tell you that whatever you needed would be picked up for you?”

His demeanour suggested that the question was not rhetorical. “You did, I know. I just didn’t want to bother Kurono or anyone else to go with me so early.”

Something about your open concern for others seemed to pacify his rage, letting out a sigh before moving to sit on the short couch next to him. Leaning forward, elbows propped on his knees, Kai responded. “Staying inside the base is a crucial part to your healing, I can’t let you leave knowing the danger you’d be putting yourself in without protection. You should refrain from doing something so reckless moving forward.”

You moved from your standing position to sit down next to him, of course keeping a respectable distance knowing his abhorrence to bacteria, and generally people as well. “I’m sorry for making you worry, I was just a bit homesick is all.”

The yakuza turned his head to look at you, brows furrowed in a somewhat inquisitive manner. His amber eyes pierced through yours, seemingly searching for answers to questions that couldn’t be asked. “I hope you’re aware of how important someone like yourself is to my cause. Those without quirks are growing increasingly rare, and it’s causing more issues than the world can keep up with.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “I believe it goes without saying that I’d be deeply upset if anything were to happen to you. Normally I couldn’t be bothered with such a thing… but you’re the exception.”

Chisaki stood up and walked toward the bedroom door before facing you again. “Take a bath and then return to my office with your book. Kurono will be waiting outside your door to escort you.”

You watched him leave the room, waiting for the door to completely shut before letting out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding all this time.

Whatever that was, you never wanted to encounter it again. Maybe, you thought, I’d be better off getting out of here sooner rather than later.

_____

After the first incident occurred you presumed things would return to normal, but of course that would be too convenient. It seemed that there was now a slight increase in security around the base. The development was immediate, making it hard to miss. Any exits leading outside―those literally outside, say to the courtyard―and gates to exit the compound were guarded by one of Chisaki’s underlings.

On top of that, he had one of his men stationed outside your bedroom 24/7, whether you needed an escort or not. He never bothered to notify you of this change in particular. It only came to your attention after hearing the verbal exchange of two men outside your door, doing what you assumed was rotating shifts.

It was unnerving, to say the least. The incident had been minor as far as you perceived it, but the unspoken changes around you demonstrated otherwise.

Aside from that, you thankfully regarded the steady improvement to your health. Your energy had returned significantly, likely thanks to the mandatory eight hours of sleep. The daily walks had eliminated the general weakness and lack of stamina you experienced. Even your face took on a warm glow, eye-bags almost non existent and blemishes quickly fading.

It would seem that your departure from this temporary rehabilitation would come sooner than you expected.

Yet the more your condition improved, the stricter Kai became with your routine. Not only that, but he also seemed to be growing more comfortable having you near him.

Now, with any normal person this familiarness would only be expected. But you knew better, and a voice deep in the back of your mind was telling you that this new predicament wouldn’t end well.

_____

The next incident seemed to be the thing that set him off, solidifying your future.

It had been roughly a month and a half since you accepted being cared for at the yakuza’s compound. By now the problems which put you in this situation were almost entirely taken care of, but that didn’t stop Kai from enforcing his rules more than ever.

Frankly, the repetitive, unwavering routine you’d been following was starting to create its own problems within your health―you were going a bit stir crazy.

After the last warning, you’d be lying if you said the main thing keeping you from leaving was fear for how Chisaki would react. Now however, it’d been too long since you experienced the real world, and even if it was only for an hour, you desperately needed to go outside the walls of the compound.

You took the issue to Kai during the time you spent reading in his office. He was going to have to let you do this, staying cooped up any longer wouldn’t be good for you and even he couldn’t ignore that reality.

After what felt like an endless back and forth discussion, seemingly getting nowhere on either side, you started to believe that he really didn’t think the situation was an actual problem.

But you knew he had a soft spot for you, and eventually the man did cave to your request.

Accompanied by one of his more trusted subordinates, you were allowed to leave the base for two hours. You took this much appreciated freedom to do some window shopping here and there, at one point stopping to buy latte―of course not before fighting with your escort over how Kai would disapprove of you doing so, the caffeine apparently being bad for you.

You were nearing the end of your time limit, and still you remained unsatisfied with what felt like an all too brief reintroduction to society.

Pushing your luck, you headed to the center of the downtown area, hoping the bustling life and bright colours would be enough to satiate your need for external stimulation.

Before you had left the compound that day, Kai had stopped you for a moment at the front entrance. The statement was quick―he advised you to stay out of any heavy populated areas. According to him it posed too high of a risk to your safety, and you should heed his words if you knew what was good for you.

However, now that you were out and getting a taste of everything you didn’t even realize you were missing, those warnings were the last thing to concern you. Oh, how foolish you were to even believe there was nothing wrong with going against him for a second.

You heard the destruction before you felt it. The cause of it was unidentifiable, as before you could steal a glance from the source of exploding brick and concrete next to you, an unseen force sent you flying across the pavement and out onto the road. Thankfully traffic immediately came to a halt once onlookers realized the situation, effectively preventing you from being run over. But that did little to console you as painfully, you comprehended your now significantly injured state.

Giving your body a once over, it was clear that the force that threw you away from the building was from the blast of air pressure likely due to an explosion. The damages weren’t too severe, but you were still now sporting a throbbing headache, and what appeared to be a sprained ankle. Aside from that, only developing bruises remained as evidence of the violent event as far as you could tell in your shock induced state.

Understanding you had to get yourself away from the violent, still ongoing conflict, you feebly attempted to stand up. It was a good effort, and if it weren’t for the head injury that was proving to be much more serious, you most likely would’ve been able to get away.

But luck was never on your side to begin with, and only a few seconds went by before black spots appeared in front of your vision. A moment later and you were out cold.

_____

A hospital room was what you expected, what anyone would expect after being nearly blown to pieces.

Pulling yourself out of unconsciousness to assess exactly where you were was a trying task, but the fear growing in the pit of your stomach served as more than enough motivation.

You remembered being downtown. An explosion. Pain. Then darkness. Taking in your surroundings, you identified the room to be that which you sat through examination after examination in the yakuza’s base.

But Kai was nowhere to be seen, and that only made the feeling of distress worse.

You had no idea how you got there, figuring the likely outcome would be you in the care of an actual doctor. Except that wasn’t the case, and instead you were laying on a bed, wearing clothing that you did not have on before blacking out.

It appeared to be a fairly loose but comfortable sleeveless knee length dress, with a long sleeve sweater overtop of it, both shaded with a pale light blue. In the midst of examining your new outfit, your eyes laid upon a heart monitoring device lightly clipped to your index finger.

Amidst the sudden realization of your current predicament, you failed to notice the steady increase in your heartbeat. But Kai hadn’t.

At that moment one of the two doors of the room, the other attached to a bathroom, swiftly opened. Chisaki stood in the doorway for a moment, seemingly evaluating your now awakened form for a moment before entering, closing the door behind him.

You questioned him before he even had the chance to come near you. “What the hell am I doing here? Why aren’t I in a hospital?” He approached you as you spoke, taking a seat on a wheeled stool next to your bed.

Unfortunately you couldn’t control the shaking in your voice, and it served as a clear indication to the man at just how uneasy you’d grown with the situation.

“My subordinate alerted me of the attack after he found you unconscious. You were brought back here amidst the fighting so I could tend to your injuries, which fortunately are not life threatening.” He spoke in a calm and consistent tone, pausing momentarily before continuing. “There was no need to bring you to a hospital when I’m more than capable of taking care of you.”

Not life threatening? You looked over your body, assessing the damage for yourself. It appeared that you had injured your ankle, as it was now wrapped in some form of brace. Along with that were bandages woven around your knees, and more that you could feel constricting your upper arms where you landed on. Lastly was the dull pain in the back of your head, bringing you back to the moments before blacking out when you experienced a similar sensation.

“I think I should still go see a professional, no offense of course. It’s just I’d feel more comfortable with an expert opinion on the whole thing.” You truly didn’t want to set him off, not after what happened the last time you went against his advice. However, this was not something you could just take lying down, despite the fact that you were literally lying down in bed at the moment.

“I’m going to have to insist that you remain here, it’s the best option for your recovery which may I remind you has not been completed as of yet, and will only be delayed due to this. Not to mention that in your state excessive movement to bring you to a hospital would not only be quite difficult to manage but further damaging to your body as well.”

If it weren’t for the unsettling, stone cold stare he was giving you as he spoke, you would’ve likely retorted with a defense. Yet under that gaze you felt it was impossible to remain strong willed. You’d let him have his way for now, there being only so much time remaining in which his care was necessary.

With that you agreed to his concerns, and perhaps if he wasn’t wearing that obnoxiously large mask you would’ve seen the smirk of satisfaction appear across his face.

_____

Later that day Kai returned with your dinner, a task he normally left for his subordinates to complete. He set down the tray atop the sliding overbed table, a clipboard in his other hand. Sitting down on the rolling stool next to your bed, he began talking, you listening in silence as you ate.

“I hope you don’t mind but I took a blood sample while you were asleep in case your injuries were more severe than outwardly observable.” He flipped through a few pages on the clipboard before continuing. “It would seem that the supplements are steadily improving your overall condition. It’ll still take some time for certain levels to reach a normal amount for someone of your physique, but this is still good news nonetheless.”

You hummed in response, not wanting to be rude by talking with your mouth full. Chisaki moved to place the clipboard on the counter to your left before facing you again.

“I’m sure by now you’ve taken note of the change in your attire from that prior to being injured.”

You stopped chewing, looking worriedly in his direction. You hadn’t forgotten about this reality, it was more like you chose to ignore it for the time being, hoping nothing would come of it between the two of you.

“You should know that I had one of my female underlings do this for me, the fact of the matter being your clothing was partially destroyed from the explosion and was therefore prohibiting necessary medical attention.”

The pulsing of your heartbeat quickened, having an idea of where this conversation was headed, much to your apprehension. You stared down at the meal in front of you to avoid eye contact at all costs.

“I was able to properly tend to your wounds, but I’m sure you understand when I say that I couldn’t help but notice certain… remnants. Those of past trauma, along with others I didn’t directly observe, those that my subordinate notified me of.”

It was obvious that to access the bruises and cuts sustained from being thrown across the pavement, Chisaki would inevitably see parts of your body that you were all too familiar with just a few years ago.

Things had gotten better since then, they really had. You would never even think about using those same coping methods anymore. But that didn’t change the fact that those memories weren’t something that could just fade overnight, nor would the physical damage they left behind.

It was the last thing you wanted to discuss with Kai right now. He already knew, albeit vaguely, that you used to struggle with your mental health. Not that you weren’t still struggling, it was just now you had healthier ways of handling it. The only thing you could do now was deter him from pressing you further on the matter.

“Listen Kai, I know what you’re referring to, and I understand why you’d be concerned. It’s just… you don’t need to bother with it. I’m better now, at least in that regard. I get that you want to help me, and you have, but this isn’t something you need to worry about. I’ve already taken care of it, I promise.”

Glancing up at him after finishing, you saw more emotion than you’d ever thought someone like himself would be capable of. Although to most it would be insignificant, his intense stare coupled with the furrowed eyebrows, looking as if he truly wanted to comfort you in that moment was reassuring.

He exhaled loudly before responding. “That’s fine, (y/n).” You watched as he removed those white gloves that he seemed to wear like a second skin, placing them on the counter. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help you during that time. Someone like you should have never been subjected to such treatment, and if I had known you back then I would’ve made sure such an occurrence never took place to begin with.”

Now this was… jarringly out of character.

If there was ever a red flag that you missed before, the ensuing events would surely be enough to make it blatantly obvious what exactly was going on.

Wide-eyed and dinner long forgotten, you followed the movement of his hands as they went to gently hold that of your left.

The yakuza waited for what felt like an eternity before carrying on, doing what you could only assume was anticipating the disgust of coming into contact in such a way with you, absent of his constant protective articles.

But the aversion never came.

“All I can do now is ensure you’re never dealt the same treatment again.”

Another moment of silence, stillness.

He gave your hand a small squeeze before releasing his hold, standing up and retrieving his gloves. You were too dumbfounded by the events that just unfolded to respond, so you continued to sit in silence while Kai gathered his belongings.

“Finish your dinner, Kurono will come later and turn off the heart monitor for you to get ready for bed.” He finished pulling on the gloves, picking up the clipboard once he was done and headed towards the only exit of the room.

“You’ll be remaining in this room while your injuries heal. I’ll keep one of my men posted outside if you need anything.” Kai placed a hand on the doorknob, pausing before looking back in your direction.

“Also, you should know that an alarm will go off if you remove the heart monitoring clip on your finger. There’s a button on the side of the bed you can press if you need assistance turning the machine off, say if you need to get up. Otherwise please leave it as it is.”

At that moment he left the examination room, the door closing with a heavy metallic thud that reverberated off the walls.

The feeling in the pit of your stomach was subtle, almost overshadowed by the persisting hunger from abandoning your dinner. But you knew it well to be fear.

A fear that you only suspected would grow the longer you remained in the confines of Chisaki’s compound, the confines of his so-called ‘care.’

(End of Part 1)

No Nuance November

The thing of this is to drop your controversial opinions with little to no explanation. I’m late but whatever.

Sanders Sides Fandom

If it’s still going on:

(this one probably still is) stop being racist. Stop. Especially if you’re Caucasian.

stop sharing the Patreon content to those who don’t pay. It’s extremely rude and disrespectful to the hard working team.

This fandom’s culture is “very welcoming and accepting”. While that’s good and nice it carries a heavy burden where lines are blurred. (I have so much to say about this but I won’t here).

From my years of being in this fandom I can confidently say a majority (not all but a good amount) of people who:

don’t take into account of other’s feelings and opinions (that aren’t heavy in conversational topics) are Patton stans. Other people that hold differing opinions and express/experience emotions with varying intensity- it isn’t an attack on your views or feelings.

appear to support lying for the fun of it (or part take in it) are most likely apologists for such ill behaviour and stan Janus.

It’s not on Thomas and his team to teach you how to behave appropriately or as a mature human.

Virgil Sanders has done things that are not okay. So has every other side just was in different ways. Some people need to recognise it isn’t just Virgil.

One side isn’t better than the other in terms of function. This shows roots are learning about yourself and how to work with aspects of yourself.

Roman, Virgil, c!Thomas and Remus stans needs to put of their own feelings instead of other’s- it’s okay if you need to put yourself first.

Patton and Janus stans need to consider other’s emotions before jumping to conclusions. You can put yourself first without sever damage.

Logan stans, it’s okay to put your foot down and stand up for yourself but you’re kind of dense at times when it comes with wording that doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a short written synopsis.

You need to know what a trigger means and that some of them are hard to avoid in reality. We do want to make a safe space for you but when does it become restrictive? You know.

Let Thomas do what the fuck he wants. Let the adult. man. explore different types of humour and topics. It’s not a children show. It’s not targeted towards children- it’s towards teens and up. I don’t care if his base consists of children (not including the teens, young adults and adult demographic that is also here), that doesn’t mean he should to change his ways for your personal comfort.

Non Logan Sanders stans- you love him but some of you can’t take those who are similar to him: those who stand up for themselves and are a bit on the blunt side. Tut tut.

Canon Virgil isn’t “uwu soft emo” He can harm someone if he wanted or needed.

Patton Sanders has growing to do and that’s okay. Just remember he has flaws that you shouldn’t idolise. Same goes with Janus.

lastly......

POSITIVITY ONLY ≠ HEALTHY + HAPPY / SAFE

No need to elaborate honestly.

If any of this made you feel targeted then good.

I’m going to stop because this is getting long.

I absolutely LOVED reading your kingdom review. You gave me such an insight in things I never even considered, especially since our rankings are so different from each other. The Boyz was my favorite, the narrative was about RTK. How they felt bad for having to compete against their friends but eventually the groups only lifted each other up and it helped TBZ grow into the group they are now through the hardships and mental dilemma, falling into the next challenge right after they reached the top. It should have been more obvious though, I agree, it wasn't really visible for anyone who didn't know. I was wondering how you felt about the dancing in general? my reason for not ranking BTOB high was lack of choreo (and Peniel's verse), same goes for SF9. Mostly because I don't feel the hype when watching, it doesn't keep my focus on the stage. As a baby-performer myself, my goal is to make the viewer curious about what's next. is that the wrong way to look at it? that's what I've always been told, building the tension up and down to create focus. would love to hear your feedback on that! thank you so much for sharing, we need more reviews of people who actually know what they're talking about.

i'm glad that you got some insight from it! like i answered in the previous ask im here to hopefully bring some more depth and understanding for people that care and are curious!

you unintentionally proved my point about tbz’s performance: that is way too complicated! even the most talented solo dancers i can think of would have trouble distilling that down to something readable in 100 seconds, much less a group of like, a dozen people! the introductory stages are meant to show us the character of the group and their abilities in the most concise way possible, it's not the stage to do deep philosophical and emotional introspection. for a full stage? absolutely, go hog wild! but for this stage it was too ambitious and ultimately was ineffective to anyone that isn't a fan of them specifically. 

by dancing in general do you mean like, every group? i put most of my opinions on the dancing where i had them in each of the individual rankings but honestly? unless there is something that really stands out positively or negatively, a lot of ‘average’ kpop dance looks the same to me. i know it’s not, obviously, and if pressed i probably could do a more serious breakdown, but dance is only one element of performance. it has equal weight with all the others in my mind, and therefore i notice when it is either 

very good

does something unique

very bad, or

interferes with another element

which is the same as how i evaluate every element, if that makes sense. 

hmmmm. i thought about this a lot in the shower and turns out i had more opinions that i expected so i'll put them under a cut.

firstly, i don't think lack of choreo should be penalized or considered an ‘incomplete’ performance. at the end of the day, these are bands, and a part of their brand/product they sell is the music. complex choreo does not need to be attached to that to make it a successful performance. also, btob did have choreo. any movement on stage is technically choreography. but this terminology can cause confusion so usually non-dance choreo is referred to as ‘blocking.’ but they also did include the song’s original point choreo at 1.41. the blocking in their performance was well thought out and suited the arrangement, by placing spatial emphasis on each part of the song that needed it. obviously it comes down to personal taste if the performance is ultimately ‘successful,’ because all art is subjective, but just because something isn't as visually complex as something else doesn’t mean it doesn't have the same level of thought. think of it like this: one is a super clean-lined post-post-modern grey/white living room, and the other is a kitsch goth basement. both share interior design principles and have obvious care put into the space, but they are vastly different styles that appeal to different tastes.

part of the job of production designer/AD is to decide what gets emphasis. a question you're always asking yourself is ‘is this important to the story that we’re trying to tell?’ and btob/their AD made a very smart choice with their introductory stage because it says a lot about them and their abilities in a short amount of time. that stage said ‘our foundation is strong, we have the training and experience and confidence to be up here and not rely on visual tricks.’ because they know they physically cannot do the things the 4th gen groups can; they're a decade older and they only have four members, it's just not feasible. something you learn with experience is the power that specific and pointed emphasis holds, which segues into my answer to your last question. i don't necessarily think that ‘building hype’ is the wrong way to perform something, but i do think it is a flawed way to approach creating a performance.

i think that ‘hype’ is flawed concept at its core, and one that focuses on the idea that there’s always being something more, something next, beyond the work itself. now there’s nothing wrong with playing with tension within the internal structure of a piece, that's exactly how constructing a narrative happens. however, the flaws come once we extrapolate beyond the boundaries of that individual work. the idea of ‘whats next’ implies that you have to constantly be promoting, have a sequel coming, building hype etc so people will keep engaged with your work. which is deeply capitalistic in nature and operates on the assumption that art exists purely as a product to be sold. and in order to keep selling you need to keep making a bigger and better and more spectacular product. and this is not the case at all. marketability is not the essence of art, it merely a factor of creating it under this insufferable system. kpop in particular suffers from this because the industry is specifically fabricated to produce capitol. we can have discussions all day about idols and their artistic integrity but at the end of that day, they are all cogs working with a system that was specifically made up by essentially one person to be culturally exported and to just print buckets of money. so in following that train of thought, there is a constant attitude of bigger and better because shock value (whether positive or negative) gets social media attention and therefore it sells. and it has become exponentially easier (and also seemingly required) to make things that are bigger and better than ever before. i remember being blown away by the projection floor at the sochi 2014 olympics because something of that scale and complexity would never have been possible without literally having the funding of the olympics. now that technology is easily accessible to anyone with an amazon account and the time to learn how isadora works. in comparison, it took 2400 YEARS for just the job of a ‘theatre designer’ to be even become a job at all.

because of kpop’s fan culture it is especially prone to ‘hype’ behaviour. in general with the accessibility of the internet and social media, everything has turned into a competition, and who can generate the most buzz ‘wins’. but ultimately that has taken away the general public’s ability to recognize that you can enjoy something quietly and you can enjoy something slowly. that the enjoyment of something doesn’t need to be all exclamation marks and keysmashes and trending hashtags on twitter. there is value in a work engaging in an emotion within you that is not just excitement. most of the artists and companies that i consume the work of i don’t do so because their work makes me excited, i do so because i liked the experience of engaging with that work. several years ago i saw the eternal tides by legend lin dance theatre, which you can watch a really short clip of here. that is not slow motion, that is actually how slow the dancers are moving. and 90% of the show is performed like that. and its two hours long. and it was one of the most incredible performances i've ever seen. if i ever get the chance I will go see another one of their shows again, not because i care about how they can top that experience i had, but because i know they can produce that experience, and that is enough to make me want to seek them out again. the speed of the internet has also loosened the general public’s understanding of just exactly how long creating a performance work can take. the lead dancer in the eternal tides was with the company for eight years before she and the piece were ready enough to be performed. large scale operas, musicals, and plays often have a year or more of pre-production before they even get to rehearsal. smaller theatre companies workshop new pieces for years at a time. performance is hard and it takes time. you can eliminate some of that with sheer amounts of money and people, which is what the kpop industry has done, but it speeds up the cycle of consumption to a degree that is not sustainable, especially for companies and creators who do not have that kind of access. performers and performance makers often don't put enough trust in their audiences. if they like what they see, they will come back. they dont need to be constantly bombarded with content at all times.

now that i’ve said a bit about why i think hype is a flawed concept, let's bring it back to kingdom. sf9 did something very interesting with their stage in that they actively chose to limit their dance time. and this plays very well off the performance film stage that taeyang did a couple of weeks ago. taeyang is talented and confident (for good reason), and his solo was incredible. but when it came to the intro stage, instead of trying to one-up the solo stage, the group instead said ‘well people are going to be looking at us because taeyang is insanely talented, so let's show them that we ALL have the confidence and the attitude to be up here.’ no need for flashy theatrics, they had the foresight to do something that would make them stand out from the rest of the groups. even if i was just casually watching the stages without doing any analysis on them (like i did for rtk), i would still be able to distinguish them because they had the stones to stand around for half their stage time. now i recognize them and would like to see what else they can do. same principle as what btob and also what ikon did. there is a fine line between anticipation and hype that gets equated in media consumption nowadays, but the two are not the same.

i think the tldr on this is that you dont need to ‘build hype’ or ‘go all out’ to make an interesting work. just focus on telling the narrative that you want to tell, and the people that recognize that will come. i could have a lot more things to say about peoples shrinking attention spans and the constant stream of information that we consume on a daily basis that devalues the labour done by artists in the eyes of the public and promotes hustle culture that is burning out and damaging creators at a rate that is both exponential and frightening, but that’s probably for another time, because this is SO LONG

1/? I know everyone is happy about dan talking about the next chapter but I can’t help but feel bratty about it. It’s been a year and a half since dan was heavily involved with the fanbase. I completely understood time off preparing to come out that is big. But I expect him to be involved again after a couple months. A year since that happened and nothing’s changed. This isn’t meant to be negative at all just part of me can’t help but be sad. How long till the next thing happens?

2/2 Once that’s drops will be disappear again? Will he give us one upload a year? I don’t think dan wants to quit yt I just can’t think what dan actually does wants to do. And I’m not mad at dan or hate him in anyway. If anything I love him and phil so much that it’s the reason I have these feelings. I’m scared of losing hope or interest in people that have been a big part of my teen/adult life. I just waiting for nothing. I love them and I’m afraid of not caring. That’s my biggest fear. Sorry

No need to apologize! Your feelings are valid, that’s the first thing you need to make 100% sure you know. I’ve expressed some degree of frustration with people who are disappointed it Dan’s inactivity, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are stupid or even bratty. You’re fine! :)

My job here with an ask like this is to try and make you feel a bit better, I guess, but what I say may not have that function in the end, lol.

Dan walks the precarious line between being a person and being a product. That’s the case with a lot of people in social media, but also a lot of celebrities in general, which is unfortunate because it’s literally impossible for a person to be a product. They can play a role, they can present themselves a certain way, but they can’t give us what we expect from products. We want (and can usually safely expect) products to be consistent, reliable, and high quality. People, however, are inconsistent, messy, and flawed.

Dan has been a product for a decade, his ENTIRE adult life, during a period of time in which most people are free to figure out who they are without so many eyes on them, and without so many people judging them. Sure, we endure the judgement of our parents & peers, but peer groups change when we move, our parents stop watching when we move out, and even when we have those people judging us it’s only a few people compared to the scores of comments and reblogs and meetups Dan has had.

The funny thing about self-esteem is that the first ingredient is self-actualization. In order to be confident in who we are, we have to figure out who we are, on at least some level. And right now, Dan is probably spending time figuring out who he is. People get upset about Dan for not communicating his intentions for the future, but no one seems to take into account that he probably doesn’t KNOW what his intentions for the future are. Most of us spend university-age and up experimenting with majors, taking retail jobs, talking to people about their careers and families, and learning what options life has. Dan had a youtube career plus social phobias; he didn’t really have that option. He didn’t even have teen years where he experimented with career paths & talents, I mean he chose “law” as a career more or less arbitrarily -- it wasn’t a passion he was following because he hadn’t figured out what his passions were yet. Then he became a youtuber fairly young, and eyes have been on him, judging his every move and studying his habits and mannerisms, trying to predict his behavior even when, as a human, he’s never going to be entirely predictable, and that really held back his growth as an individual. When everything you do is going to have eyes on it, it’s hard to take any action that’s purely your own. You end up doing everything either to satisfy other people or rebel against them, never to serve yourself.

And clearly he’s been happy enough doing the YouTube thing for ages. It’s clear that he quickly developed a passion for connecting with people (even in AmazingDan you can hear his delight that the people on his channel can ‘be themselves’). But he never really figured out if youtube was the way he wanted to forge those connections, or if he was only continuing it because that’s what his audience expected from him.

It’s entirely possible he’ll discover that YouTube is the best way to connect with his audience in a personal way, and maybe eventually he’ll return to it full time. Or he may find that writing - whether that’s scripted fiction television or novels or anything else - is the way he’d rather go about it so he can work more independently for longer stretches of time. Maybe he’s trying to make his face less well-known so people don’t come up to him in public quite so often because that stresses him out; or maybe he’ll learn he misses those surprise fan encounters because they put a face on the people whose lives he’s touched. It’s impossible for him to know what would make him happy until he actually tries taking his life in some new directions and sees what happens.

Even now, a year after his last upload, we’re watching him and waiting and predicting his behavior based on whether he likes art on his birthday or not, and when you put yourself in the shoes of someone like Dan who has social anxiety and feels like he’s being watched all the time, you start to realize why he’s backing off. I mean.... no offense to my fellow phandom members but we are EXHAUSTING sometimes lol.

But I do truly understand the fun factor of trying to guess what he’s going to do next. The thing is, though, it’s his LIFE we’re trying to predict; not a plot twist on a tv show, or the pre-planned release schedule of a pop idol’s next few singles & album. We’re in the middle of Dan’s first proper gap year (one that, from the sound of it, is extending longer than expected because COVID-19 put a hold on something he’s been working on, so Dan can’t be blamed for that).

I think it’s very reasonable to be impatient about Dan’s absence from our lives. His content is wonderful, he’s a joy to listen to when he speaks, and he makes so many of us feel just that little bit less alone. But I do think we need to give him the grace & space to figure himself out. It’s a luxury a lot of us have, but he never really did.

I also think it’s very unlikely that Dan will stay away from us forever. That connection with us seems to be extremely important to him, however anxious he may be around people. We helped give him the strength to come out. He and Phil went on tour twice just to see as many of us as possible. He looks so genuinely happy to meet fans at conventions. He’s one of us, in so many ways, and I think he wants to empower us and make us feel like we belong. But I think it got to a point where he was letting himself burn to keep us warm, and he needed to back off for his own well-being and long-term growth as an individual. And as much as I miss him, I want to give him all the time he needs.

In the meantime, everything he’s done for us up until last year is part of us, and no one can take that away - not even Dan! Even if he never came back, even if he decided YouTube was too much and he couldn’t do it anymore, his words and the example he’s set is woven into the fabric of who we are now, and that is so incredibly important.

I strongly believe, even though we’ve never met, that Dan Howell wants me to be happy, whatever that means for me, and that he wants me to grab my existence’s reins and take my life wherever I want it to go, and that thought alone is enough to cheer me up. He wants that for you, too.

I hope this helps you feel a bit better, anon. :)

Hi!! I love your contentt ❤️ I was wondering- there’s one witchtoker who says that she didn’t work on her relationship with Aphrodite for some time and Aphrodite basically made her life miserable for 2 months. What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks for your question Nonny,

I’m sorry that someone had an experience like that. That sounds awful. Gods, just like people, can be flawed and do harmful things. It’s our responsibility to maintain healthy boundaries and open dialogue about what is acceptable in these relationships. (and really all relationships)

If a spirit or deity does something harmful to me, I immediately let them know which behavior is acceptable vs unacceptable. If they continue, I will revoke their access to me. This is done with relationship boundaries such as “I no longer wish to continue our relationship/arrangement” and magical warding. You can ward yourself and spaces against any deities or spirits that you don’t want to interact with and I suggest doing so. 

However, one person’s experience with a multi-spacial being can’t really define their character. I’m sorry that she had a poor experience with Aphrodite. But if a friend had an abusive relationship with a deity of mine, I cannot extend that experience to my relationship due to the nature of unverifiable UPG and multi-spatial beings and how their existence is defined solely by the experiences of their followers. When I hear about bad experiences, I support that person in taking steps to protect their wellbeing and I will hold that deity accountable for any similar behavior I see, but ultimately deity/spirit experiences are personal and don’t define anyone else’s. 

TL;DR Maintaining boundaries with spirits and deities are always necessary for healthy relationships. Every practitioner should learn how to ward and protect themselves against interactions and influence they don’t consent to.

💙 Fynn

Salty and Sweet

Hi! So, I’ve never posted here on tumblr before.. being totally honest, I just made this account a couple months ago so I could read some *good fanfiction* (and I haven’t been disappointed). Just a heads up, the rest of this post is about a sensitive topic: anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t want to accidentally trigger anybody. :(

I’ve been having a really hard time in the past few weeks; there have been a lot of medical emergencies with my close family members in addition to some family drama. I love to write, though, so I’ve been using it as an outlet. I recently wrote a (decent?) Asra fanfiction that helped me to vent out a lot of my internal and external struggles, and I thought maybe posting it here would be a good idea, in case it helped somebody else going through a hard time too. It’s easy for me to forget that my anxiety is not a flaw, not to mention that I have a support system here for me when I do have my emotional breakdowns, and I have to be reminded of that a lot/need a lot of affirmation from my s/o and my close friends. Everybody deserves an Asra in their lives, someone who loves you for who you are and will always be there for you, in any capacity you need. This is not meant to be a one-size-fits-all anxiety; this is just a reflection of my own personal struggles, the physical symptoms I’ve been feeling lately and the fear I’ve been experiencing over my immediate family finding out about my social/generalized anxiety disorder. Please don’t take it as me saying “oh, this is what all people with anxiety experience”; everyone with anxiety experiences it in a different way. I imagine mine like a fingerprint: nobody else in the world experiences anxiety in quite the same way that I do. Sorry, the preface got a bit longer than intended. This fanfic is basically what I imagine Asra doing for an apprentice who experiences anxiety on the regular, primarily what would happen when they have their first panic attack in front of him. If you’re reading this and you experience anxiety, I want you to know that you are so incredibly strong for making it through each and every day with it and that I’m sending a lot of love your way. <3 Salty and Sweet- (tried to have it be a) GN apprentice x Asra Alnazar. 1.7k wc. TW: anxiety and panic attacks It took every ounce of willpower within you to remain behind the shop's counter, a customer-service smile plastered to your face. It had been growing all day: the need to hide, a tightness in your chest that brought tears to your eyes which you had to carefully hide and brush away, lest anyone catch on to the fact that something was not right. You felt too tightly wound, like you would snap any second, and the fear of breaking at an inopportune time simply added to the anxiety growing within you. You had no idea what caused you to feel this way: always on edge, the smallest blunder setting off a massive overreaction. It had been this way for as long as you could remember. In all actuality, “as long as you could remember” was only three years, but you suspected this had been a long-term problem based on the quantity of calming teas and herbal remedies your past self stashed in your private drawers. Asra was in the back of the shop with the last customer of the day, performing a tarot reading for them. You couldn't leave the counter unattended, so you straightened the wares within the glass case and behind the counter with incredible desperation. Anything to preoccupy yourself until you could escape to the privacy of the upstairs, where nobody could see you. How you had been able to hide it for so long, you weren't sure, but you felt somewhere deep in your gut that Asra suspected something wasn't quite right. He had never walked in on your episodes despite living together for so long, but sometimes when you had to make a quick getaway into a private space you could see the question in his eyes, the slight part of his lips as he thought about asking. You feared the day he found out about them, the way he would react, how he would think of you. Your heart ached at the thought and you shied away from the thought of his rejection, the thought of him thinking less of you for having such uncontrollable bouts of unprovoked fear. Apparently you had been able to hide it from him well in the time you had been together prior to your death; at least, you assumed so, because Asra never said anything to you about it. You silently prayed that today would not be the day he discovered the flaw in your design, though the weight on your chest was becoming more unbearable by the second and your composure nearly impossible to keep. Tears were flowing more freely now, and you did not trust yourself to speak, feeling the tightness from your chest spreading to your throat as well. You focused on taking slow, even breaths, counting from one to five with each breath of herb-laden air in and out. The lavender on the shelf behind you was doing nothing to calm you at this point, and you fought not to hyperventilate. You heard rustling in the back room, the sound alerting you to the end of the reading, and you quickly turned to face the wall behind you, busying yourself with straightening the wares for the fourth time in the past hour. You could hear the fabric of the curtain rustling behind you as it was drawn back, the footsteps of both Asra and the customer slowly approaching then passing where you stood. You dared not turn around, afraid of your own expression. Asra and the customer engaged in idle chitchat, slowly approaching the front entrance, opening the heavy wooden door. The cool summer night breeze blew in through the crack of the door, washing over you and stirring the fabrics and hanging herbs interspersed throughout the store. "Have a good night," Asra gently ended the conversation, following the customer out to extinguish the lantern and flip the "Open" sign to "Closed" before reentering the shop. "Well, that's it for today," Asra sighed, sounding tired. "You've had a long day too, (Y/N). Looks like your entire stock of echinacea is wiped out." You swallowed thickly, afraid of your own voice but not wanting to tip Asra off by not responding to his banter. "Yep." Your voice cracked at the end and your stomach dropped, the feeling in your chest overwhelming you as the rest of your panic hit you in a large wave. "(Y/N)?" Asra asked, worry evident in his voice. Gods. Why now? Your breathing was speeding up of its own accord, and your body began to shake uncontrollably. You felt gentle hands come out of nowhere to grab you by the shoulders and you jolted, like a wild animal cornered, causing Asra to freeze. "(Y/N), what's wrong? Please look at me." Your body froze in place, afraid to let him see you in your current state. Though Asra was loathe to touch you after how you responded the first time, his concern for you and the foreignness of the situation caused him to reach out and gently capture your chin, directing your gaze towards his face. His brows furrowed and the corners of his lips turned downwards as he saw the tears spilling from your eyes, and he slid his hand up your jaw to rest on your cheek, using his thumb to brush featherlight touches across your skin. Suddenly feeling lightheaded and dizzy, you abruptly grasped his wrist, feeling your legs buckling underneath you. Asra's eyes went wide, and he quickly stooped to wrap his other arm around you, catching you from your fall to gently lower you to the ground. "Shh, shh, I'm here." Asra murmured into your hair, sitting beside you and holding your shaking body close as you rode the wave of your panic. While the touch wasn't unwelcome, you hated to let him see you like this, and you dreaded the explanation you would have to give him for this sudden emotional breakdown. After what felt like hours, finally your breathing began to slow, the tightness in your chest ebbing away into a blissful numbness. With your tears slowing, Asra gently lifted your face to meet his, thumbs gently brushing away the tears lingering on your cheeks. Asra continued to gently hush you, resting his forehead against yours and looking deeply into your gaze with his beautiful purple eyes. "I'm here, my love." His voice was soft, like a caress, and though he didn't understand what was going on he was determined to provide you the support you needed. The two of you sat like that for a few minutes more, with Asra's fingers brushing away the salty tears from your face and his plush lips leaving sweet, gentle kisses to the hairline above your forehead. When you had calmed, Asra leaned back to look at you fully, the question dancing in his eyes and in the set of his mouth. "Should I make tea?" Though not the question you had expected, you nodded gratefully. Calming tea would do wonders for you in this moment. Asra slowly stood, bringing you with him, treating you as carefully as you would a newborn babe or precious china tea set. Leading you to the little table in the kitchen, he sat you down, then began bustling about, putting hot water on the stove to boil in the beat-up kettle and pulling your favorite tea to put in the teapot. While he worked, he silently glanced over at you on occasion, worry written all over his face. When the kettle began to hiss and scream, he pulled it off, pouring the boiling water into the waiting teapot to steep. Grabbing the nearest two teacups and rinsing them out, he brought them to the table along with the teapot, set between you on a thick, woven piece of cloth. "Are you alright to talk?" Asra asked cautiously, afraid to push but concerned about you. You looked down at your hands, taking a deep breath as your heartrate increased exponentially. "Yes," you started, then felt your throat close up as emotion began to overwhelm you again. "Please don't think less of me." "My love, I could never think less of you. You can tell me anything." Asra spoke with deep conviction, reaching across the table with his right hand extended towards you. You reach out and take it with your left, looking up at him with watery eyes. Then you spill over. You tell him everything, your constant bouts of panic, the self-remedies you found in your private drawers, the inevitability of an emotional breakdown every time the smallest social blunder occurs or deviation pops up to your carefully laid out plans. Asra listens to it all with patience and kindness in his eyes, though his brows are still drawn together in worry. You carefully sip your tea, afraid of Asra's reaction, despite the numerous displays of his support to the contrary. It was a worry you couldn't help. Asra smiled gently at you, raising your hand to his lips for a kiss. "I promise you that I will find you a more potent remedy. You should not have to go through life like that, my love, and I can't imagine how hard it is for you." His soft voice carried across the table to your waiting ears, and he took a sip from his own cup, finishing off his tea and setting it back down. "I will always be here to support you, (Y/N). I value the trust you have in me. I will never think less of you, especially not for something like this." Your eyes fill with grateful tears. His reaction was completely different from the one you had feared he would have, and you abruptly rise from the table, rounding it and throwing yourself into his lap, twining your arms around him and burying your face in the crook of his neck. "Thank you, Asra." You said, arms tightening. "I love you." "I love you too." The two of you sat still for a few minutes, enjoying each other's company, breathing in their scent. Then, slowly, your eyelids began to drift shut, Asra's heartbeat guiding you into a calm, dreamless sleep.

Hello! I was wondering if I could please get a match up with My Hero Academia, One Piece and Kuroko No Basket. males characters please.

I am Reliable, Loyal, can Cook but usually too lazy, Quiet, Easy going but stubborn, creative, adventurous, very ambitious. Short tempered, I am loud when I want to be (mature, can be weird). Loves soccer and dance. I tend to daydream, Imaginative. Very down to earth. I can be awkward. Can be witty at times. I spend most of my time in my room, watching other youtube, anime or movies. My strong subjects are math, sciences, and arts. I like long term relationships. I am a tomboy. INTP, and Aquarius. Thank you!

Thank you for the detailed description and those are all fandoms that I love to death! I enjoyed reading about you since I love to get to know my readers! I haven’t done one of these in a while so let’s hope I’m not rusty! <3 - Medinah 

Your My Hero Academia Matchup is: Izuku Midoriya!

Midoriya really does take all comers and deals with them well, but he could also make do with some spice and intrigue in his life, That’s where you come in. Your quiet nature would suit him well when you both want quiet time whilst being next to one another. The boy can sometimes fuzz out and be overcome by nerves so you being the reliable and loyal one can really help a bunch in these situations. Who else is going to drag his butt to hospital every time he goes too far? He doesn’t mind that you get lazy, he would rather let you relax while he takes care of things, he would even determinedly learn to cook for you! Midoriya is a bit of a pushover, so your stubbornness will more often than not win you any advantages you might want in a conversation or outcome. Still, that creative, adventurous and ambitious side is something he needs in order to broaden his horizons. Both of your traits will improve the other, balancing you out and making you stronger. It’s not just give and take, it’s equal exchange. He’s pretty used to short tempered and loud people, he’s got a couple in his class after all. He honestly wouldn’t mind it, he would especially find it cute when you become animated or loud about your passions. You’re both dreamers and extremely imaginative; it may be that very reason the both of you ended up with each other. He would definitely love to watch you dance or play a game of soccer. Getting him to join in may be difficult since the boy gets embarrassed easily. Awkward and down to Earth is something he can entirely relate to, so you won’t feel too alone on that. The boy is literally on YouTube like whenever he has free time, so don’t be surprised if you spend Sundays in and before you realize it, half the day has gone watching movies and videos so stock up on snacks! We all know Midoriya is most likely an anime fanboy, so count him in on the anime binge marathons too; he is probably guilty as charged on that account. You are highly recipient at the demanding subjects, you could both study together and build a greater understanding of yourselves and the world around you. Midoriya isn’t about one-time flings either, he would have to date you for at least 6 months because he is committed and loving. You being a tomboy may help our timid bean out a little, this will make you more relatable and easier for him to talk to as your relationship builds; you can also share clothes! Your constant fascination and the need to continuously know more is something that Midoriya will incessantly fawn over, he just thinks you’re so amazing and awe-inspiring. Your progressive nature and intellect will always help him to gain new perspectives and that’s why you both offer so much to each other. There is variety in the relationship, and that means it has the potential to flourish the longer it goes.

Your One Piece Matchup is: Eustass Kid!  

Being a pirate, having those who are reliable and loyal around you is scarce to come by, especially when you’re someone as notorious as Eustass Kid. Those traits are already of great value to him, but if you can cook now and then, that would help too. He thinks there’s a certain charm about food cooked with a female touch, so he would appreciate if you cooked for him now and then. Since you’re quiet and easygoing, he would respect your space for the most part but the ambitious and adventurous side of you is what gets him all riled up. Ambition and drive is the name of the game here; if he’s going to have a significant other, he wants them to have a vision as big as his, if not bigger. The stubbornness may lead to many disagreements, though he will admire that you have the chagrin to stand your ground with someone as terrifying as him. He can’t really relate in the way of creativity, but he gives you your props for it. You’ve probably helped him escape many a time from sure danger with your quirky ideas. Do expect temper clashes and loudness with each other. Conversely, if he sees you angry or bothered by anything, that may be enough for him to go on one of his “sprees”. He doesn’t like to see you angry, since he thinks he is n’t doing his job right otherwise. Your maturity would be needed at times where he needs to make big decisions, both for himself and the crew. He’s not the sporting or dancing type, so he’d most likely let you enjoy your hobbies such as those on your own, but he’d secretly watch you from afar. Eustass will most likely tell you to get your head out of the clouds, saying that those men who achieved greatness went to grab it with their own hands. It sounds harsh, but he doesn’t want all of your dreams to just stay in your head, he wants them out in the world, where he can share in them. Since you’re down to Earth, you could really help in giving him advice or listening to him when he wants to express himself. Poking some fun at him by being witty could be a bit risky and also a bit awkward, but since he is your man, he would tolerate it to an extent. He doesn’t like anyone besting him though. You enjoy watching anime, movies and YouTube videos, but he’d tell you to get your ass out and go see the sights for yourself. According to him, there’s a certain ambiance to it. Your academic skills could aid them in drawing maps and reading coordinattes, so in that respect you’re very beneficial to the crew. You being a INTP and Aquarius makes you the ideal fit for someone he wants to achieve his dreams with, only someone as unique as him can join him on that helm. Tomboy, girly, whatever. The only thing that matters is how much love you show him when the lights go out… 

Your Kuroko no Basket Matchup is: Kise Ryouta! 

The type of life that Kise Ryouta leads, it is very uncommon for someone to stick with him even after finding out he is not perfect. That loyalty and the reliability is something that would act as solidarity in his experience. He finds it cute that you can cook but he won’t be too forceful for you to do it anyway; he would much rather spoil you to takeaway or dates out to the best restaurants and food courts. Being quiet, it may make him want to tease you more and rile you up, but he likes it also that you’re not so chatty like other girls he knows. He can get a little exasperated trying to get you to budge when you’re stubborn but he eventually gets content with letting you have your way. He finds it to be very refreshing to find someone who is creative, adventurous and ambitious, and someone who will essentially pursue what they love and enjoy without restriction. He thinks you have the skills to hold the world in your hand, and he will do his best to be the supporting act to that. He won’t lie, he gets a little frightened when you lose your temper with him or even if you lose it in general, but he finds it entertaining when you’re loud because he’s a loud mouth himself! He needs that touch of maturity to help him grow both mentally and spiritually. Kise is super sour that you like soccer and not basketball but he’s the type to learn soccer and then challenge you at it. If you like dancing, he could probably learn the choreography from you and dance with you until you both get exhausted or have cramps. When you daydream, he likes to boop you on the nose a lot. That, and he finds your imaginative nature to be very fascinating; he asks you to share whatever interesting thoughts you conjure up for his entertainment. If you’re awkward, chances are that Kise will make things even more awkward until you have no choice but to burst out in laughter. He won’t fault your flaws and instead, will show you that they are natural and everyone has them. You being down to Earth makes him feel normal, for the first time in forever. Wittiness is going to help out with Kise who can be a total handful with his flirtiness and teasing. If you like spending time in your room, he’ll scoot you up and dump you on his bed so you can enjoy your videos, anime and movies while he smiles and watches you. If it’s like action or rom-com, he likes to watch it with you and pretend you’re both the main characters, especially with shoujo or romance anime. He just doesn’t get science or maths, but arts he can appreciate. He always gets you to try on his clothes since you’re a tomboy, and your INTP personality is one that will help him to widen his scope on the world and try and understand others better. As you are an Aquarius, he would make you feel like you’re both a friend and lover and would never let you feel lonely and he will always, always keep his promises! 

ASOS: A Surveillance Of Size

ASOS (AsSeenOnScreen). Where do we begin?

If you were like me, it may have just been brought to your attention that ASOS can be translated into this acronym. In fact, many customers of the brand are not aware of this.

ASOS is an online British fashion and cosmetic retailer, which was founded in 2000. Selling around 850 brands and shipping to over 200 countries worldwide.

For me, ASOS is my holy grail online shopping outlet. If I’m bored? You’ll find me scrolling through ASOS. Distracted in a lecture? (shameful, I know). I’ll probably be weeping at the expense of all the items in my ‘saved items’ list. In desperate need of something to wear for a night out? ASOS will sort me out, for sure.  And the wedding I haven’t been invited to yet? You’ll always find me admiring the pretty dresses. 

What I love about ASOS is that they have such a broad range of clothing, from swimwear to fancy dress inspiration, and even HOMEWARE. You can’t go wrong.

I suppose I could be described as a ‘serial scroller’ when it comes to online shopping. An innocent addiction which quite frankly my bank account takes the hit from. Time. And. Time. Again.

It is almost like ASOS knows how much I want that new summer co-ord with pretty flowery detailing from the latest “summer range drop”, saved in a size 8. And I suppose they also know how many times I’ve put that sparkly pink jumpsuit into my basket, and how long I spend staring at the total before coming to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, £150 is too much to spend on one item of clothing that I’ll probably only wear once, and then Depop later in the year.

You mean they do know?

Damn right! Your edit is where we have put together a collage of your top pics.

You mean they purposefully target my Instagram and Facebook feed with my saved items (or similar) in order to entice me to go back and purchase them?

Oh yes. Subtle, right?

What about my sizing? Surely they haven’t got that figured out too?

Correct! We know you usually fit into a size 8 in tops, an 8 in trousers/skirts and well, jumpers? 12-14. We know you love them oversized!

So, what you’re saying is, I just need to enter my details of my preferred payment method and that’s it?

No way! We aren’t time wasters. We’ve remembered your card details from before (and your boyfriend’s, just in case he ever feels like being extra generous again). No faffing around here.

If you think you’re that smart, what about my delivery address? This girl travels…

No problem. So, you’re normally in Reading, right? We mainly deliver there, but it seems your impulsive purchasing isn’t just restricted to Reading. Because of this, we’ve saved your home address for these occasions. Oh, and when you’re desperate and no one is home. Your mum’s work isn’t shy of a few parcels every now and again, is it?

As demonstrated in the narrative above, ASOS are well and truly the experts at keeping check of our online shopping activity. However, it is important to use the phrase “keeping check” loosely, as the proper term for this type of behaviour analysis can be defined as “surveillance capitalism”. By storing information such as our addresses, card details and most frequently searched items, ASOS is able to create a more efficient process of online shopping for its consumers, meaning that online shopping can be as easy as 1 (finding the items you like), 2 (purchasing these items), 3 (having them delivered to your doorstep).

Lehtiniemi (2017) outlines that “surveillance capitalism encompasses mass dataveillance”, which aims to “regulate and govern” behaviour of individuals engaging in a specific platform, such as the likes of ASOS. Within this platform, technology developers have the power to turn people from “data sources” into “active data subjects”, however at the same time promise to “empower people to take control of processing of personal data”. Here, it could be argued that it perhaps isn’t the case that customers of ASOS are in control of their personal information, in the way that this information is extracted in order to manipulate the routine behaviour of its customers through “targeting” and “personalisation”. Despite ASOS encouraging its customers to give their personal information away in order to receive a better service, ultimately, this is a “profit-turning” exchange which benefits the back pockets of the technology developers within ASOS. This digital economy therefore extracts any personification of these individuals, essentially transforming them into “quantified data”.

So, when we receive emails such as “happy birthday! Here’s a 10% off code” or advertisements on our Facebook feeds, could it be argued that at this point we are no longer viewed as human beings behind a screen? Or a respected customer of ASOS? Are we just contributing to the database of numbers? Numbers which contribute to the “datafication” as well as their profit margins?

When ASOS revamped their website in late 2018, personally, it came as a shock to me that out of nowhere, ASOS seemed to know my sizing, and this fluctuated for different types of clothes, so I was impressed that it could recommend all these different sizes. However, what baffled me the most about this concept was that I had never given ASOS any of my measurements. But this was the thing. It was then that I realised that ASOS was pretty much guessing my size on each occasion, and it just happened to be that 9 times out of 10, they matched the size I would most likely buy. UNTIL… when writing this, I checked again.

So, you want to buy this dress?

Let’s say you’re a new customer to ASOS. You haven’t ordered from there before and you average around sizes 8-10 in most items of clothing. You aren’t aware that in order for this sizing match feature to be most effective, you need to enter not only your ‘tummy’ measurements, but your bust, waist and lower hip (whatever that’s supposed to mean). However, you are often very conscious of your body shape, regularly feeling like summer clothes like this will look silly on you. Nevertheless, feeling confident that you can definitely rock this look, you click ‘add to basket’. But not too fast! Before ASOS holds this in your basket for you, you are faced with a size recommendation. Oh, a size 12. You’ve never bought a dress in a size 12 before and you feel slightly bemused. You love things to be oversized, but not a DRESS? This knocks you back even further, resulting in you feeling even more body conscious than you did before.

This can be deceiving until you enter your personal details. As someone who doesn’t keep track of their weight, when entering my details to demonstrate this feature, I was surprised to feel extremely vulnerable. Who is seeing this information? And how will it be used? 

And this was the outcome...

The point I am trying to make here is that this feature can either make online shopping a hassle-free, more efficient process, or alternatively in some cases, a very daunting and humiliating procedure. Here’s why. In today’s society where women and men often find themselves being defined by their appearance, I was left feeling what I can only describe as frustratingly stunned when Victoria Secret welcomed Barbara Palvin as their new ‘plus sized’ model to their ‘Angel’ community.

You can make a judgement for yourself about whether you agree to this label of ‘plus sized’.

Although an extreme link, which may only apply to very few of ASOS’ customers, it is estimated that 1.7% to 2.4% of the world’s population suffers with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). That’s 1 in nearly every 50 people. This disorder is characterised by negative thoughts about one’s perceived flaws, which burdens them every day. These thoughts have potential to interfere with the daily functioning of one’s life, leaving them feeling extremely distressed, often resulting in isolation from friends and family in fear that people around them may notice these ‘flaws’. However, the reality of this disorder is that no amount of convincing or reassuring can encourage someone to believe that these thoughts are irrational, and that no one else is thinking the same as them.

So, despite ASOS asking for your age, your height and your weight, with the innocent intention of improving your online shopping experience through a more personal approach, why can shopping online now feel as though we are having a routine check up at the doctors every time we sign in? Is it essential that ASOS withholds all of this information about us? It is unearthly that a computer calculates these numbers every time we want to do some shopping?

I took to Twitter to see what people thought about this new size recommendation feature, and this is what I found:

What do you think?

Has this sizing feature hindered or enhanced your shopping experience with ASOS?

References:

Lehtiniemi, T. (2017). Personal data spaces: An intervention in surveillance capitalism. Surveillance and Society, 15 (5), 626-639.

Cherrington, R. (2017). ASOS Is Guessing What Size Its Customers Are, And They're Not Happy About It. Retrieved from: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/asos-size-recommendation_uk_58871c69e4b02085409924c3

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Historical Fiction

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Synopsis:

The year is 1945. Claire Randall, a former combat nurse, is just back from the war and reunited with her husband on a second honeymoon when she walks through a standing stone in one of the ancient circles that dot the British Isles. Suddenly she is a Sassenach—an “outlander”—in a Scotland torn by war and raiding border clans in the year of Our Lord...1743. Hurled back in time by forces she cannot understand, Claire is catapulted into the intrigues of lairds and spies that may threaten her life, and shatter her heart. For here James Fraser, a gallant young Scots warrior, shows her a love so absolute that Claire becomes a woman torn between fidelity and desire—and between two vastly different men in two irreconcilable lives.

*Opinions*

I did something a little different this time and wrote the review while I was reading since it was such a long novel. That has lead it to be a rather long review. 

I have had this book for almost a year at this point, but at almost 900 pages it was rather intimidating, especially with my inability to find time to read recently. However, I finally decided to take the bull by the horns and dive in. I was so pleased to see that most of the chapters are broken up into smaller segments, making it easier to move quickly through the book and not being locked into needing forty-five minutes to get through a chapter. I’m one of those people that really hates stopping in the middle of a chapter without a clear break in the action. There is also a good pace to the novel so that it's not that hard to convince yourself to go one more chapter break or make it to the end of the chapter. That being said, the overall plot of the story moves rather slowly, which would account for the novel's 850 pages. Still, after all the hype, I went in cautiously, not wanting to get my hopes up and be disappointed as I have been in the past. 

We started in the “present” of 1945 and even though we aren’t in 1945 long, Frank Randall finds the page time to be rather condescending and annoying. I do believe that is the point, his dismissal of his wife while he hunts down the family connection with Jonathan “Black Jack” Randall, to highlight the difference with Jamie, but it still bothered me. Now, I get it, I have family members who are very into genealogy, but to complete ignore your wife who you barely saw for six years to look at old records is ridiculous. Also, Frank’s view of adoption instantly made me sour toward him, but it’s a viewpoint that a number of people still hold. Not to mention how he reacted to Claire swearing. Now my viewpoint might be colored because I know that Jaime is the main romantic interest due to the television show, but still. Just saying you love someone doesn’t mean much when you’re a giant ass, Frank. To be honest, I don’t know why Claire tried so hard to get back to him. Getting back to indoor plumbing I understood, but not to get back to Frank. That coupled with his ancestor being the primary villain in the novel and I didn’t really give a damn about Frank. 

Something that I liked in regards to Jaime, which I hadn’t expected, was that he was younger than Claire. There was something so endearing about Jamie becoming flustered when Claire even suggested they sleep in the same room with absolutely not romantic intentions toward one another. Jaime has a lot of sweetness in him and while he has mysteries, he isn’t overly brooding, which is slightly overdone these days. Still, there are moments when he wants to be Claire's “master” that make him unlikable. Claire tells him no multiple times and they end up having sex anyway. While I am going to address this when it’s with males who aren’t Jaime, it is still nonconsensual sex (also known as rape) even if it’s a man that you are married to. You can argue that it’s the time and that makes it acceptable, seen a marital duty or whatever, but it doesn’t make Jaime likable. However, that doesn’t make me completely hate Jaime, due to his youth and inexperience, it just makes him a complex character. I just wish romance, as a genre, could stop pushing the no actually means a coy yes story line. It’s not sexy on the page or in real life. It’s rape. 

As with everything that is set in historical times, rape is spoken about, implied, and threatened on a number of occasions. It even happens to a male character, though I don’t want to spoil who. I understand, it is the truth of that point in time, but I personally feel that more of discussion needs to be had about it if you chose to focus on that part of history on so many occasions. I mean, Gabaldon has time travel in this novel, she could have toned down the amount non-consensual touching, kissing, undressing, groping, almost rape and actual rape in the case of Jaime taking Claire after she told him no on a couple occasions. Every male that runs into Claire either threatens to assault her or does assault her in some way and it’s just tiring. I thought that the novel was done with that particular issue once they had left the castle, but the minute that a male that was described as somewhat attractive and not crippled once again enters the narrative, Claire is forced into a position where she should be sexually assaulted. Then it is threatened again with a male that is mentally unstable. If that is the only way you can build tension in a scene with two members of the opposite sex, maybe take a step back and looking at how you’re crafting the story a little more carefully. This isn’t selling the romantic dream of every man wanting to be with you, it is reinforcing the knowledge that every woman has that we should always be on our guard and are never safe, which isn’t something I read fiction novels to be reminded of to this degree. 

One thing that I will give Gabaldon a small bit of credit for was how she dealt with the male rape victim in the novel. I don’t want to spoil who it is or the specifics surrounding the assault, but I believe she gave enough page space and emotional weight, Now this wasn’t just an assault, but torture as well, but the feeling of helplessness and shame that surrounded the character in regards to sex afterwards I believe was well done. However, that leads to another issue I have with this novel, that both homosexual characters are portrayed poorly. One is a villain and it is implied that he raped his younger brother, the other is a caricature and literally only in the novel for a while as a sort of comedic character, who also attempts to rape young boys. You can’t claim historical accuracy in this poor representation. While it might not have been written down, I highly doubt that every non-straight individual in the Scottish Highlands was a pedophile and/or rapist. 

Moving on from that, Gabaldon got the sibling dynamic between Jaime and his sister Jenny down pretty well. While we may live in a more civilized time, this is basically how arguments between me and my older brother go down, sans the whole kilt incident obviously. While it was frustrating that Jaime didn’t give her a chance to explain herself, especially when he already knew about Randall’s issue from Claire explaining her experience, it is a pretty accurate representation of sibling stubbornness. Jaime had years to form a picture in his mind of what had happened and it’s hard to listen to reason, from anyone, when that happens. Jaime’s interactions with his namesake nephew were also painfully adorable and it was a nice respite from the constant danger that they faced while at the castle. I really enjoyed this whole section of the novel, though the weird sexual display when describing what it’s like to be pregnant seemed a bit odd to me. Still, it was easy to understand the mood of the room and it was a rather wonderfully written section. 

Now to address the criticism that Claire is a Mary Sue that I had seen on a number of occasions. The knowledge that she had of medicine from her time as a nurse during the war makes perfect sense for the time period that she was living. The interest in herbs would also make sense if she had learned so much medical knowledge, hell I am interested in herbs and I have zero medical knowledge. While, I will admit, the whole traveling around with her uncle on archeological digs was a bit much, it’s no different than Indiana Jones and no one has a problem with him. While I don’t think that addition was necessary, most people adapt to roughing it when there is no other choice, it wasn’t something that pulled me out of the story. Honestly, I think what saves Claire from being insufferable is that she makes stupid decisions and is not a perfect person. I’m alright with a very knowledgeable main character as long as she also has flaws, which Claire has many. She is a very alive character and I appreciate that about her, even if I don’t like her all the time. 

It was a brave move on Gabaldon’s part, is that she lets the story take a very leisurely pace. There are whole sections that don’t move forward the plot, but they do give us the personality of the Scots that Claire is traveling with or meeting during her trip into the past. It is probably why the novel is almost 900 pages, however I appreciate learning to care about and getting complex characters to fall in love with or loath. While I do think that some areas could have been tightened up a bit, you are pulled with Claire into the Highlands and it is rare that you find yourself thinking that Gabaldon should just speed it up already. While it does seem as if the plot becomes a little repetitive, Claire finds herself in danger, is saved, becomes comfortable in her surrounds, and then the cycle is repeated, I never forced myself to pick up the book and dive back in. The only section that I found completely unnecessary was the entire battle with the wolf near the end of the book. The injuries from that encounter really have no bearing, nor does the actual killing as Claire is forced to kill humans a little later on. It was too long and I found myself really not all that interested. A couple paragraphs could have neatly wrapped up that section and moved the plot forward, but it was the only time I felt that way. It really is well situated to a television format, and it’s easy to see how sections could be broken up into episodes. I might search out the show now that I’m finished with the novel. Overall, I enjoyed my adventure in the Highlands and will continue with the rest of the series, but I don’t see this becoming my favorite series. There are just too many problems with it that I find hard to overlook or ignore.