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ringmyheart · 3 years

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Can I request Vin Jin boyfriend headcanons and some fluff? (You don't have to force yourself)

(This and the other vin jin rq were merged!)

Honestly the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a very calm person or outgoing person. No matter what this relationship is gonna end up being considerably chaotic

He ropes you into everything he does. Doesn’t matter if u r a design student or an architecture student or if ur on the opposite side of the school from him, u r practically in his class. Dating him is like signing a contract sealing away ur own life bc he makes it a point to be ALWAYS w u

In class he doesn’t gaf if the teacher has ur seat on the other end of class, he is somehow finding a way to sit next to u against ur will or not. And when the teacher moves u two away from eachother INTENTIONALLY bc of this, he is threatening whoever happened to sit next to u to trade seats w him. He will go as far as to dress up as them to make it look like they’re them to be next to u and he’s so dramatic ab it.... being away from u felt like u were star crossed lovers whom the world was fiercely against

And if UR against this cuz ur tired of getting in trouble in class, or if you reject any of his advances, he’s gonna be really, really, really offended. He will at first sputter and be kinda shy and embarrassed about it, before he goes “fine! Have fun on your own without me, the greatest thing in your fucking life!”

He move seats back and will glare at you periodically every five minutes to pavlov dog you so that every five minutes every day, even when he’s not there, you feel the burning stare of vin jin

If you’re his s/o, he’ll buy you a matching pair of sunglasses so ur the freshest looking couple around Seoul (they’re hideous and thick but he thinks u look fly)

The glasses don’t have nearly as many layers as his does for himself so u can see, and u wonder how he managed to make them just as bulky and if he did it on purpose to sabotage u. Like “did u make my glasses purposefully ugly so no one else will want me?”

U have to dodge a punch after saying anything like that ab his fashion decisions LMAOAO

He’s rlly proud of u two matching. With the glasses and anything in general. He’ll make you wear a jacket matching his, or the same shoes and he will stop people in the hall and be like “wait. Notice anything cool ab us today?? Cooler than normal??”

And when they don’t respond he boasts “that’s right!! Me and my other half r matching. Look at us and weep, losers.” He thinks u two look so good....... if ur enthusiastic ab wearing matching things too he is elated u have to pray that tomorrow he won’t show up w another “if lost return to Vin Jin” “I’m Vin Jin” pair of jackets or anything of the like bc it happens SO OFTEN

And on the topic of sharing when it’s cold he likes to share jackets and blankets w u. Ur desks r moved by eachother by vin jin himself and u two share one blanket over u and shiver bc he just likes it, sharing w u plus he’s slightly warmer. And yes if you guys had indivizual blankets you would be warmer, but u guys have to struggle together he doesn’t care what anyone says (yes even ur protests ur sharing that one blanket wether he has to wrap it around u himself and tear up the one u brought on ur own or what”

He is so blind in love that he cannot tell when u guys suck at stuff. Like if ur in the wrong he doesnt care ur RIGHT and he’s taking that to the grave. He can belittle u and call u out but if someone else says ur in the wrong it’s on sight

Will die protecting ur name even when ur the one who was genuinely wrong

He forces u to make a beat for him to rap to. He loves rapping and wants to enjoy it w u, so ur forcefed YouTube videos of how to beatbox so u can be his bgm and eventually u probably just start to enjoy it to

And u always start a beat and he starts busting out rhymes and it’s SO BAD. It doesn’t matter if ur good at beatboxing if vin Jin is on the track w u it’s gonna sound terrible he brings the quality down immensely but u two just cannot tell

Like after a two session ur like “omg... that was so good. We should go pro?” “Fuck yea we should we’re better than those posers” “we could rlly make it in the industry fr” no u absolutely could not

During the school festival, u sang with him and it was SO bad. Half the crowd is gonna have 2 be hospitalized but u two had FUN up on the stage

Like I said, he has absolute faith in u. All u do is right. If ur driving a car for the first time, he is going to be ur little hype man doesn’t matter if u suck. U hit a curb and he went “YES babe!! Ur killing it cant wait till u hit the road bby” Ur not allowed to touch a car for the next two years now bc he kept cheering u on when u we’re doing CLEARLY wrong things

On a plane u r looking for the bathroom like pensively and u see a handle and look back and r like “is this it???” And vin jin thinking u r all righteous will go “yea babe go for it” and u open it and u depressurizate the cabin immediately

Now both on like 5 no fly lists

He loves to do things with u, like I mentioned earlier, and things he wouldn’t do alone he’ll do w u. Like drawing alone?? Boring. Drawing w Y/N??!!! Who knows what could happen..... so much fun could ensue. Maybe he will draw u cutely. Maybe he will draw u so ugly u will be forced to engage in a fight.

He likes to play just dance w u and compete for the “greats/all star!” Little titles above, and it becomes like a Friday night ritual for u two to turn just dance on and just go at it. But sometimes he’ll get too intense and suddenly he’s actually fighting for the chance to beat u. Will trip u so u lose on purpose

He makes u listen to him sing and rap to u. And u try to leave and he hugs tightly and is like LISTEN IFS FOR U, DONT BE UNGRATEFUL and now u have to listen

He makes u a mixtape of songs he made himself and they are all considerably worse than “remember the times we had”. It’s uploaded on SoundCloud and all the comments r hate and u listen to it a lot bc u know he loves u sm he made u a mixtape ya ur gonna play that but everyone else hates it w a passion

Like the comments r like:

Daniel: well.... it’s definitely a song 😅 I’m glad you love (y/n) so much!

Duke: he’s not making it out the hood 😐

Zach: never let this man in a studio AGAIN

Mary: this should’ve stayed in the CD

(Y/N): love it! 😍

Zoe: kill your producer 💀

Mira: ...

He’s overprotective too

If someone looks at u for more than a second he’ll go “what?? U think she is hot, huh? I’ll kick ur ass fucking perv.... cmon babe let’s go”

Will throw his arm around u and streer u the opposite way of any potentially good looking ppl to keep ur eyes on him

Oh Daniel is coming?? What a coincidence u and vin Jin suddenly have to turn the corner to the other way of ur classroom for some reason

Eli is near?!!! Oh no u just got milk spilt in ur eye!! Oh no now he has to wipe ur eyes and u two have to leave the cafeteria whatever will he do

It’s not that he doesn’t have faith in u, he doesn’t have faith in other men. Like he thinks they r all competition, and doesn’t doubt ur loyalty rather doubts how good he can b for u

WILL beat someone up for u. If someone smokes while ur around suddenly his fists r swinging at them cuz even if u smoke or vape urself no one else can get that stuff in ur lungs but YOU or HIM!!

If ur crossing the street and a car almost hits u, it’s the cars fault and he’s kicking the license plate and cursing it out for almost touching u “stupid fucking piece of metal”

Is the type of boyfriend to call u when he knows ur in an Uber and be like “babe u got ur gun w u right?? Oh don’t forget ur BOMB and ur MACHETE!! Yeah just left the house I killed some ppl nbd haha anyways HRU what’s ur Uber driver like” so the driver of ur car won’t even think ab kidnapping u. He has got ur back even when u do not want it

He doesn’t want u to see his eyes, so he’ll tell you to look away so he can take his glasses off and look at u in full color in all ur glory but he never tells u WHY he’s telling u to look away u think it’s a weird thing of his, or he’s insecure ab his face which is partially true but really he’s taking his glasses off and just looking at u. Adoringly.....

He hates PDA. He loves PDA. Do u see his dilemma

Like he loves PDA but doesn’t want anyone seeing him vulnerable even u.... so he’ll hold ur hand and be like “EWWW WHAT R U DOING GET YR HAND OFF MINE”

If u take the lead THATS best bc he can blame it on u and it’s ur fault he HAS to lock fingers w u cuz u did it to him first and he has an excuse to touch u and v like u started this im just sending u ur own energy back 😤

The type to be just like blind, overwhelmed in love. Always thinks ab u, always wants to be w u, worries ab u a lot and frets over u without showing it.... he hates it and loves it to death. Despises it but wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world

Eats lunch w u in the cafeteria and if u sit w someone else u r the ultimate traitor and he will trash talk u to hide his hurt to Mary the entire lunchtime. Kinda possessive.... wants u to also only think about him

WOULDNT EVER fight u for real. Play fights occur VERY often, like pillow fights, tripping ur foot when u say a joke insulting him, grabbing ur collar but he would sooner die than lay a finger on u

Verbal fights happen a lot and if he ever like LOSES it he may lash out and almost hit u and follow thru. I don’t think he’d be able to catch himself that quickly, and if he ever did he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Literally until the day dies he will take it to his grave

He may not sputter out apologieswill just look at u incredulously and then at his hands because what had he done? What did he just do? To you???????? (Y/n))))?????? His (y/n)??? Light of his life?

Will apologize probably over text or through a note or call, and if u don’t respond he is consumed by regret and tries to find u instantly like runs back to ur place

If u forgive him he feels bad still, because does he deserve it? And he might just isolate himself for a bit bc he can’t face u and if it left a scar he is dead inside. It kills him, literally

I could go on w this but I’ll probably save it for another separate pair of hcs later 😭

If u guys ever break up he will fight for u again and won’t stop till ur back together like flowers in ur locker every day, chocolate give during lunch, etc. He wont ever give up hope that he can win u over again and be w u again. He would keep trying, when he wakes up his first thought is ur name in a cold panic bc he can’t rest easy till ur his again and he will try and show off and poorly serenade u and trash his price and be corny and cheesy to get u back

Will set up a performance w the school to let him rap w a mic during lunch for u and he’s saying bars like “(read in bad rapping voice w inconsistent beat) (y/n), love of my life, uh, without you I’d die, uh. Please won’t you take me back? Yuh, without you ima have a heart attack. (Wha!). (Y/n), love of my life, yeah, without you I’m in strife, yup! Please be mine again, (babe), I can never rest till then.”

If the embarrassment doesn’t make u take him back so he’ll pls stop, and when he stands up on the lunch tables to do a little performance doesn’t do it either, then the odd sincerity of his voice and pain in his look (even tho while rapping he sticks out his lower lip in a weird pout) definitely, hopefully will

U make everything worth it !! Truly the light of his life

I hope these were what u wanted, I just had fun w them and wrote stuff that came off the top of my head when I thought of VJ!! ❤️

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clearwillow · 3 years

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Because this is a guest review I can’t respond on FFN so I’m doing it here because I feel I need to explain. If you’re reading this and you wrote this review, know this made me smile. It really did.

But...the slight blockage isn’t just focused on this series. It’s across all of my wips and has been since last fall. The pressure to keep the quality of the work and be able to push out updates frequently has made me hit a point where I avoid the things I need to work on because I’m worried the quality won’t be there. It’s killed my motivation for stories that I really enjoy working on. It’s killed motivation for stories I wanted to start. It’s why stories like Strange, Hired Help, and Pretend You’re Mine even got posted. Because they didn’t have expectations, the inspiration was there, and I enjoyed them. And the mistake falls to me on uploading work that wasn’t finished beforehand, because I was trying to follow the trend of always updating, always providing something. Just like with art.

And that killed a part of me. I forgot what it felt like to enjoy what I was working on.

When I last updated Fever Dream, I’d enjoyed that. But then I got comments about people wanting more smut, more youkai Inu, more of the same......and that’s not what Fever Dream is going to be. It’ll have those things, but that’s not it’s purpose. People gave me grief over Inuyasha and Kagome’s discussion; I thought I’d explained it. I’ve spent more time trying to figure out how to make the sequel something that everyone else wanted that I failed to make it what I wanted. I want Kikyo in the sequel. I want Inuyasha to struggle to deal with his counterparts being lovey with Kagome. I want there to be more substance to the sequel than I gave the original because I DON’T want it to be a rehash.

And that’s been the case for all of my wips that are published. People want more, and I want to provide more updates...but I don’t have the ability to give quality and quantity without a buffer - and that’s gone. I spent all my time focused on InuKag Week material when I wasn’t working on paid work. That was time that was clearly wasted.

I’m not doing well. I’m tired. I’m stressed beyond belief every day of the week because I’ve been trying to run in the rat race that is fandom content creation, and I’m done. I’m not doing that anymore. I need to work at MY pace on what inspires ME in the moment, and I’m sorry about that. I don’t want to disappoint but I need to get back to where I was at the start of last year. I need to enjoy the things I write and the things I draw. I want to be able to draw something for myself once in a while, because I haven’t done that in good couple of months. I don’t get the luxury of commissioning people for my writing so I need to do it myself. My inspiration, naturally, has been lacking because I’ve spent almost a year trying to please everyone else.

So...have patience. We’ll get there. I want it to be worth the wait ❤

#long post is long #and kinda ranty #sorry about that #but i need to get it out #I think this is what pushed me into burnout in the first place #so don't let it do to you what it did to me #cause I'm still struggling most days

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zipstick-writes · 4 years

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Inktober 2020 Day 16 - Rocket

The crew of the brand-new Galactic Navy ship named the Skeld had just departed for a newly-discovered planet, Polus, that Earth scientists had determined would be able to support human life with minimal terraforming. Their mission was to join the established research centre and finish the job.

But for now, the crew, consisting of newly-trained Navy recruits Princey, Dad, Hot Topic, Logan, Trash Man, and Janusss, had to complete the in-flight maintenance to keep the ship in as perfect a condition as was possible while on board, as was made standard by the inter-planetary signing of the 3128-AD Quality Control Act.

Normally, this would be a relatively uncomplicated process. However, the crews of many other ships that had departed from the same Space-Dock had reported impostors murdering crewmates and interfering with vital functions of the ship, often resulting in total system faliures.

And thus, the crew of the Skeld were constantly on the lookout for any suspicious activity from their fellow Astronauts. This is their story.

Day 1

The six climbed down the ladder from the bunk-room above the cafeteria and checked the screen on the southern-facing wall to see which faults had been detected by the ship’s systems overnight. One by one they walked up and touched their tablets to the info-port on the side of the screen, logging their tasks to them.

“Looks like I’ve got to submit my bio-scan.” Logan said, reading from his tablet screen. “Would one of you please accompany me so that they can verify my innocence, should anything happen?”

“That’s quite suspicious of you, isn’t it, Logan?” Trash Man giggled. “Sounds just like what the impostor would say.”

Princey shook his head. “How do we know it’s not you, brother? Accusing another right off the bat like that-“

“Alright kiddos, that’s quite enough fighting.” Dad cut in, glancing at his tablet.

“I’m older than you, remember?” Princey interrupted again.

“Princey, will you shut up?” Sighed Hot Topic exasperatedly.

“I’ve got to scan myself in the Med Bay too,” Dad said through the mounting chaos. “I’ll come with ya, Lo.”

“Thank you. This will be adequate.”

Having downloaded the blaster records from the weapons room, Hot Topic was on his way to Administration to upload them to the International Space Agency database. He was at the door when he heard footsteps behind him in the cargo Storage. He turned around, seeing Trash Man standing in the door frame of the hallway.

“Hello, Hot Topic!” He greeted. Overly cheerful for there being a potential murderer on board, Hot Topic noted suspiciously.

“Trash man. Hi.” He responded, measuring his tone carefully so that his suspicion wasn’t noticeable. Hopefully. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I just came to swipe my card. How about you? What are you up to?”

“I’m uploading the data from our weapons systems to HQ.” He said, narrowing his eyes at Trash Man behind his helmet. Despite not being able to see past his helmet, Trash Man seemed to catch onto Hot Topic’s suspicion and stopped talking, moving on to attempting to swipe his Crewmate ID card.

“Ugh, why is this damn thing so goddamn difficult?” He mumbled, swiping his card furiously back and forth in the machine.

“Trash Man! Stop, you’re gonna damage the reader.”

Trash man stopped swiping and looked up at Hot Topic.

“It’s really not that difficult,” Hot Topic said, and having completed the upload was now walking over to where Trash Man was holding his card defeatedly. “Here, give me that card. I’ll do mine, then I’ll do yours for you. Okay?”

“Thanks, Topicy!” Trash Man responded.

“And don’t call me Topicy.” He said. Hot Topic swiped his own card, pleased when the light blinked green the first time. He then swiped, or rather attempted to swipe, Trash Man’s card, but was surprised when the red light blinked and the machine buzzed.

“A bad swipe? That’s weird.”

He was about to try again, when the warning lights began flashing and the alarm beeped loudly and repeatedly. The automated computer-voice repeated the phrase, Oxygen Filter Damaged, followed by a countdown of 30 seconds.

Hot Topic jumped, haphazardly throwing the card back at Trash Man and seeing him move from where he was leaning casually against the wall.

He rushed towards the oxygen room, hands shaking slightly as he inputted the code. Janusss and Dad were standing behind him, having entered O2 after him.

He breathed a sigh of relief. “That was close.”

“It sure was, Kiddo,” Dad remarked, “I wonder what could’ve caused that?”

“The Impostor, of course. Why else would the system fail?” Janusss said sarcastically.

“Oh of course, I’m so sorry for being so ignorant, Lord Janusss.” Hot topic snarked back, bowing over-dramatically. He (figuratively) straightened up, and said, more seriously this time, “I’m heading over to the Cafeteria. Trash Man’s acting off. And his card wouldn’t read in Admin.”

“Trash Man’s always acting off.” Dad replied. He paused to think for a moment, “But I suppose it’s better safe than sorry. I’ll come with you.”

EMERGENCY MEETING

The three remaining crewmates arrived at the Cafeteria and seated themselves around the central table.

“What happened?” Princey asked.

“There’s something off about Trash Man.” Hot Topic explained. “He followed me into Admin saying he was there to swipe his card, but the reader wouldn’t take it. Not even when I did it for him. And the O2 sabotage happened while my back was turned. He could’ve done it.”

“Was there any noticeable change of behaviour that indicated he was being imitated?” Logan asked.

“Well no,” Hot Topic replied, “But I can’t help but feel like the sabotage was a distraction to draw people away if he was about to.. y’know, kill me.”

“I’m sure that’s just your anxiety clouding your judgement. I realise my brother can be a bit… How do I put this? Bizarre, but that’s no reason to accuse him of sabotage.”

“I’m with Princey.” Logan said, and Hot Topic was sure he could hear him say ‘for once’ under his breath. “We understand your concern, but it’s simply not enough evidence to eject him.”

“Skip?” Dad asked.

“Skip.” Princey and Janusss responded in sync.

No one was ejected. (Skipped)

1 Impostor Remains

The nighttime alarm sounded, indicating the end of the work day, and the crewmates returned to their bunks and settled down to sleep.

Day 2

The crewmates once again descended the ladder and downloaded their daily tasks, this time in silence. There was no conversation as the six walked in different directions towards their daily tasks.

Logan and Princey set off towards storage to refuel the engines, and Dad went with Hot Topic towards navigation to set a course. Trash Man went off towards electrical maintenance to repair corrosion to the wires.

Janusss made his way over to the reactor.

Once inside, he opened a wiring panel to the reactor’s left. He took out a pocket knife and snapped a couple of wires.

Just enough to cause some trouble, he thought. Checking there was no one around, and glancing at the nearby camera to make sure it was inactive, and opened the hatch leading to the ventilation system. He quietly climbed inside, shutting the hatch behind him.

He lifted up the vent and poked his head out, checking he was alone.

Coast’s clear.

He climbed out silently, right as Trash Man rounded the corner. He was about to climb back in, but it was too late. He’d been seen.

Trash Man made to turn around, but Janusss was faster. He lunged, pulling out his knife, and stabbed him in the back.

“One down, four to go.” He hissed.

He was about to return to the vent when it occurred to him. He could get away with this easily.

Janusss opened the panel for the lights and flicked the switches up, disabling the lights on the whole ship. Satisfied, he then went back in the vents and crawled swiftly to the reactor. He poked his head out. Nobody was there. He set off back to electrical, and after a few moments Logan was beside him, having come from the upper engine.

The others were crowded around the panel, and as soon as a light switch was flicked into place it was switched back again.

I could get another one here.

He pulled out his gun, and fired at random. Logan dropped to the floor, and before the others could react, he hid the pistol in his pocket again.

The others abruptly abandoned the lights and looked around frantically. Janus did the same.

Dad was the first to realise who’d been hit.

“Logan.” He cried. “They got Logan!”

Janusss feigned a look of shock before realising that he was wearing a helmet that rendered his face unreadable. Princey stepped back, turning towards where Janusss had killed Trash Man.

“Look.” He said. “Trash Man’s dead too.” He knelt down beside his brother. “I swear on my beautifully manicured sword I will have revenge-“

He was cut off by Dad, who told him they were going to the Cafeteria to have a discussion.

“Who did it?” Hot Topic asked.

“It wasn’t me,” Dad said. “I was clearing asteroids with Princey. He can vouch for me.” It’s true.”

“It’s true.” Princey said. “We were together the whole time.”

“Well, me and Logan were in the top engine before the lights cut.” Janusss explained. It was a half-truth; as he’d always say, the best lies contain half the truth. “I was refuelling it and Logan was realigning it.” He could almost hear Logan (and probably Trash Man as well) screaming at him from beyond the grave. But he knew the others bought it. They had seen him and Logan enter together, after all, and they nodded along to the deception.

A sudden voice jolted Janusss out of his thoughts. “What about you, kiddo?” Dad asked, and it was directed at Hot Topic. “You’re the only one who’s not spoken yet.”

Hot Topic was hunched over, seeming nervous despite the space suit hiding his face. “I was in the Med Bay, inspecting the samples.”

I can get one more, Janusss thought. I just need to twist this a bit.

“It may just be me thinking this,” He began, “But it does seem a little suspicious that you’re the only one of us without an alibi.”

Princey and Dad nodded in agreement. “Although I hate to admit it, Janusss is right. You’ve got no-one to verify what you were doing.” Princey said. “Sorry, Emo.” He added.

Hot Topic sighed. “Fine. Eject me. But one of you is lying, I just know it.”

Princey and Janusss held Hot Topic’s arms behind his back as they led him to the airlock, and he didn’t struggle. Dad pulled down the lever to open the door, and Janusss smiled to himself behind his visor.

Hot Topic was not The Impostor.

1 Impostor Remains.

Day 3

There was no conversation as the final 3 remaining loaded their tasks onto their tablets. They each went in a separate direction. Dad towards communications, Princey to the Med Bay, and Janusss into storage.

Dad was scared. There were only him and two others left. One of them was the impostor, and they’d only know for sure if they were caught. If they didn’t, they’d all end up dead.

Dad’s hands were shaking as he frantically tried to fix the wiring of the computer.

He heard footsteps behind him.

He turned.

Janusss was standing in the doorway.

Dad froze.

This is it.

Janusss walked towards him, and time seemed to slow.

A gunshot sounded throughout the ship. Everything went black.

DEFEAT

“Dammit!” Roman slammed his fists on the table. “How are you so good at this?” He asked, glaring at Janus. “This is the third game in a row you’ve won!”

“What can I say?” He said, smirking. “Deceit’s my thing. This game was made for me.”

Patton rolled his eyes, smilling good-naturedly. “Alright, settle down. Who’s up for a rematch?”

“Oh, you’re,” Logan said, pausing to hold up a vocab card, “’On’.”

“If Jan gets impostor again he’s gonna win!” Roman shouted.

“I’m just better than you.” Janus snarked. “You’ll just have to deal with it.”

Virgil smirked. “I can’t wait till I get impostor. Oh, I am so gonna get my revenge.”

“Hey, revenge is my thing!” Remus shouted. “Who knows, maybe I’ll get it first.” He said quietly, smiling maliciously at Janus.

Virgil started another round. “Let’s do this.”

#fanfiction #my fics #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #inktober #inktober 2020 #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #among us #among us au

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all-things-skam · 4 years

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Title: My Valentine

Ship: Wtfock | Robbe Ijzermans + Sander Driesen (Sobbe)

_______________

‘’Can I see?’’

‘’No.’’

‘’Come on, Sander…’’

He used his free arm to cover as much of his work in progress as possible, shielding it from his nosey and impatient boyfriend. ‘’No. Not until it’s finished.’’ Robbe pursed his lips into a pout, but Sander didn’t give him attention. ‘’Don’t bother making that face, it won’t work,’’ he warned, knowing him like the back of his hand.

Sighing, Robbe fell back into his seat, defeated.

Being ignored and pushed away wasn't how he had hoped his first Valentine's Day to go. Especially after Sander told him he had plans for them.

The blond artist had asked Robbe to meet him at this park after school, saying he had a surprise for him. Alas, Sander didn't think that Robbe would speed to the park and get there before he had finished his drawing.

Robbe opened his phone and searched for a picture to post. Aaron had already made a cute Valentine’s Day post and Robbe didn't want to be dethroned by them for the cutest couple. He had to maintain his status and show everyone that he had the best boyfriend.

As he scrolled in his photo library, he realized how few pictures he had of himself and Sander. Most were from the early days of their relationship, in Robbe’ room or at the bar where they had their first date. The rest were pictures Robbe wanted to keep to himself, little moments between the two of them or just Sander doing everything and nothing.

He ended up picking a picture of them in his bed, taken from Sander’s old camera. The quality had decreased from being scanned and uploaded on a phone, but Robbe didn’t mind. He liked this picture. It was taken on the first afternoon Sander and him spent some time together. They had stayed secluded in Robbe’s small bedroom all afternoon, only coming out and saying goodbye minutes before Milan came back from work.

Typing a quick caption, Robbe posted the picture and got lost scrolling on his feed, liking Jens’ post with his new girlfriend - a lamp.

‘’Finished!’’ Sander declared, dropping his pencil.

Beside him, Robbe was quick to react, excited to see Sander' drawing. Sander uncovered the paper, allowing Robbe to finally see.

In the middle of the paper was a sketch of the two. Robbe's hand was holding the back of Sander's neck, their faces so close and touching, about to kiss.

His lips turned into a grin, grateful and proud. ''My artist,'' he said, cupping the back of Sander's neck and joining their lips for a kiss, just like the drawing.

Whether it was a quick sketch on a napkin or a full piece on a big canevas, Robbe was always amazed by his boyfriend's talent. He didn't know much about art, its terms or techniques, but he never failed to make Sander feel supported and skilled. Sander knew he was good at it - otherwise, he wouldn't have been chosen to this art school -, but hearing it from Robbe's lips, his lover, was different.

‘’You like it?’’ Sander asked, pulling back.

Robbe nodded, their noses brushing as he did. ‘’I love it. I love you.’’

Sander snorted, retracting from him and placing the sketch into the red sleeve he was drawing on, protecting it from any possible crumpling in his backpack. ‘’Sap.’’

‘’What are we doing, now?’’ Robbe asked, doubting they’ll stay on that park bench all evening.

‘’We’re going to yours. I passed by the flatshare during lunch and Milan helped me set up some stuff.’’

Furrowing his eyebrows, Robbe gave Sander a worried look. ‘’Sander… What did you do?’’

Sander grinned mischievously and stood. ‘’Come.’’ He held out his hand, waiting for Robbe to take it.

Sander was almost stepping on Robbe's heels as they walked down the hallway, overexcited about his surprise. Robbe had warned him that he didn't want to do something big for Valentine's Day, preferring something chill over a grand gesture which was a bummer because Sander loved to prepare big surprises. But, for once, he listened to his lover's wishes and went with something more toned down.

‘’You better like it, I was almost late to my afternoon class and my teacher is a cranky spinster. She isn't very understanding when it comes to love.’’

Robbe shook his head at Sander's anecdote.

''Ready?'' Sander asked, hand on the door handle.

''Yes.''

He made a move to twist it but didn't push, making Robbe groan impatiently. ''Wait!''

''Sander...''

The blond laughed behind Robbe, the latter feeling the vibration of Sander's laugh from how close they were. He can be such a whiny baby sometimes. ''Okay, okay,’’ Sander said, this time opening the door.

Robbe frowned, seeing his room the same way he left it this morning. His green hoodie was still on the floor along with yesterday's tee shirt, his bed perfectly unmade and his science textbooks dangerously sitting on the edge of the desk.

What? Where is the surprise?

Seeing his boyfriend's confusion, Sander guided him further into the room until he could see the piece of fabric pinned on the wall. Immediately, Robbe jumped to conclusions, imagining the worse.

‘’Sander, you better not have spray-painted my wall. The landlord will kill me if-’’

‘’No.’’ Sander shook his head, chuckling amusedly. ''I rented this projector for the night at my school and Milan helped me put up this fabric on your wall to make a decent screen,'' he explained, pointing to the rectangle device set on the nightstand. ''We can watch anything we want...in the comfort of your bed, which is much better than going to the movies, in my opinion.''

Robbe held a snicker, getting Sander’s subtle allusion to Aaron’s romantic plan. The curly haired one had been talking about his Valentine's Day date plan all week, claiming that he had the best date idea, but let’s be honest, no one could top Sander's at-home theater.

In Robbe’s bed, they could cuddle and make out all they wanted without being scolded by an employee. They were free to wear - or not wear - anything, be as comfortable as they wanted. They also didn’t have to endure the kissing noises the other couples around them would make.

''And,’’ Sander paused, adding suspense, going into his backpack to pull out a white paper bag. ‘’I got us pastries from the bakery. Croissants, snowballs, pralines- all the good stuff.’’

Robbe’s face broke into a full grin. That boy knows the way to his heart - or his sweet tooth. He closed the gap between them and hooked an arm behind Sander’s neck, going for a kiss. Sander's free hand went to Robbe' lower back, pulling him in closer as they kissed slowly.

Little did he know, this was part of Robbe's plan to grab the pastries bag.

Sander pulled away, holding the white bag out of Robbe’s reach. ''No, no. We gotta chose a movie first. No movie no pastries.''

He pouted and Sander kissed the pout off his face. ‘’What are we watching?’’

‘’I don’t know. You chose.’’

Robbe shrugged. He had an idea in mind, a very cheesy idea, but he was sure Sander would decline his choice, knowing his dislike for the movie. ‘’What about Baz Luhrmann’s Roméo+Juliet?’’ he suggested, a little hope in his voice. ‘’But, we don’t have to watch this one if you don’t want to. I know you don’t like this movie-’’

Sander sighed, interrupting Robbe’s rambling. ‘’I guess I can make an exception…’’

#sobbe #sander driesen #robbe ijzermans #wtfock #robbe x sander #sobbe fic

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majin-magic · 4 years

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IT HAS BEEN. QUITE A WHILE SINCE I’VE UPLOADED OCS HERE!

so a little backstory: so if you’re not aware i have 3 ocs, Nixys, Hemaea and Asinthe who are the Destoyer, Kai and Angel of a revived Universe 15. i roleplay them on a separate blog and after roleplaying them and different interactions i had with other muses i got to thinking: what if universe 15 had it’s own tournament of power team?

so this is the U15 team! they were hand picked by Asinthe and trained personally by her, they wear a special training suit designed by the angel to bring out and enhance their best qualities.

(info under the cut)

Pizzelle is the leader of the team, a Urodelon from the planet Uroda, they’re best well known as a water-based amphibian species unable to last any long extended time outside of their wet habitat- the only exception however is the mutant Pizzelle, who is able to traverse both land and water for long periods of time- while not completely immune to the drying affects of the air, she is a lot more hardier and more tolerant of outside temperatures and conditions. That on top of her being able to manipulate water made her a giant contender for Asinthe’s training program.

next is Macarre, a Masked Raptor from an unknown planet, said to be the last of her kind, she has survived so far due to her incredible speed. Althought she doesn’t have much to her aside from her speed, Asinthe sought to strengthen her to be able to combine both strength and speed to create a powerful adversary.

Truffel is an interesting girl, hailing from the species of Bleeding Fungus, she is able to have acute control over others who inhale her spores (the red sacks littered all over her) while the affect is not permanent, it’s potent and last long enough for her to manipulate anyone to a position in her advantage.

Dulce is a demon hailing from Universe 15, like many Demons, she’s a skilled sorceress who outside of any normal means would want anything to do with the Angels or gods for that matter- however when the word of a tournament popped up, she sought to at least aide in keeping their newly revived world from getting erased a second time.

Tira Misu is considered a Halojinn, a type of goo-person almost like a Majin but more more liquid. Due to her naturally liquid state, she is able to escape even the tightest confines, a former criminal with a track record of not being able to stay in jail, she’s quite agile and quite to dodge, and rightfully punish anyone who doesn’t hit her first.

The twins Parfait and Pastille are from a species of Mimics, able to assume the identity of anyone they touch, nothing is off limits for this mischievous pair. Parfait is the older of the two and often times than not is the instigator of most situations the two get sucked into. Pastille however is more skilled in the art form and is also naturally more powerful than his elder sister.

Chiffon is a Maw Tail hailing from the planet Sounada, able to fly naturally using Hikou. On top of that she has a powerful Maw Tail that is disguised as an over sized strawberry, an evolutionary trait that the species developed to better catch their prey. They are considered ambush predators and use their large tails as bait, while their tails representing fruit is the most common, some also have tails appearing as other types of food to help draw in different kinds of prey.

Gana is an Android developed by the Sirille, a powerful weapon of war that was confiscated long ago by Universe 15′s Galactic Patrol, Asinthe sought to take the cyborg herself and use it for her training program, when she found out that the machine was much stronger than she had originally guessed, she decided to include it on their team to flesh out the ten fighters needed to participate.

Tarte is considered a Solune. A type of celestial person created from the compression of space dust and solar flares. Nobody knows how Asinthe managed to seek out Tarte but what they do know is Tarte is, by far, their strongest fighter naturally. Without prior training Tarte was able to defeat all the fighters presented by Asinthe and a lot of them weren’t pushovers either. With training Tarte became an adversary worth fighting. Her small stature and stout exterior may look cute, but she’s probably capable of killing a man with ease.

#dragon ball oc #dbz oc #db oc #dbs oc #alien oc #swindle draws shit #oc #can you tell i only have a few concepts im working with rn sdhjasgdhjasd #their designs are great i love them a lot #pizzelle #macarre #truffel #dulce #tira misu #parfait #pastille #chiffon #gana #tarte

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billiejean485 · 5 years

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Karmiro Kiss

https://www.deviantart.com/billiejean485/art/Karmiro-Kiss-800793669

(Text from DA:)

First of all, I'd like to state something: I don't usually upload art such as this often or at all, and I rarely even show it to anyone. Reason? Been bullied a hell of a lot for it in younger years, so I learned to keep things like these to myself. However, I am pretty sure the Karmiro fans would appreciate it, and I am having a really hard time finding artwork devoted to this ship myself (kudos to Iamaddictedtocoffee and KenKic4Ever - you guys are IMO the best I could find), and I honestly wanted to contribute.

Second thing I wanted to mention is that - although the show itself made me a huge Karmiro fan, this particular piece/sketch came as an inspiration from reading Arctimon's fics. My God - for the past 6 years I've been having a really hard time finding quality fanfics (I got older, and my standards became very high), and their in particular are among those rare that make me cling to it like an idiot, rereading it until I know it by heart (still in the process of achieving that btw XD). I haven't left a review yet, but, I can say here that that level of quality English, original ideas and great imagination is not something that you just stumble upon in the fan fiction world easily. I'm blown away. Still am. Still haven't read everything, so I won't drop that mentioned review yet. But, Arctimon, if you're reading this - you have my huge support, and I'm a really big fan.

Now on to the rant on the art aspect of this sketch.

I don't have much experience in drawing a kiss, and still learning to do that. What killed me even more here is just the position (that I probably didn't even figure out well) of the two - if you have that steamy kiss where both sides try to pull each other into it, and a couple with height differences between a girl and a boy such as Hiro and Karmi, everything gets complicated. The arm position is probably off (because yours truly was lazy enough not to reference anything). I hope at least I got their faces right - I haven't drawn either of the two enough for practice. Oh, and Karmi's hair was ridiculously difficult for me; it should be simple, but nope.

Ah, yes, and the Baymax sketch in the bg - the body probably should have been a bit bigger, but 'anatomy' wise I think it's okay. I just placed him in the wrong spot. And I have a feeling that it made perspective make no sense (he's speechless, btw XD).

Okay, and two last things.

I love the fact that Hiro is the shorter one in this relationship and is probably standing on his toes somewhat here, while Karmi has to bend down and/or pull him up. It's so relatable and heart-warming. :D I remember how all that went in those years of life (14~16). Wish we'll manage to see him grow, but who knows. Also, depends what Disney plans for the sequel of the movie, if they're even planning it (it got them an Oscar, so chances are high).

But one thing that saddens me in that is that - for most characters that appear in TV shows that are based on the movie there is like a rule that they don't appear in the movie's sequel. Which brings me to the second thing.

Even though I ship them with all my heart, I see little possibilities for these two to become something more than friends (there is more chance for that happening with Hiro and Megan, although the whole Karmutie stuff has led us on to believe otherwise up until she showed up). It seems as though Hiro and Karmi's relationship was made only to reach some "good friends" climax and that that's the whole point of it. Even Karmi's crush on hero-Hiro looks more like something that came as a product of her loneliness rather than actual need for a romantic interest in her life (I think she'd be a lot more invested in her relationship with 'Captain Cutie' if this wasn't the case). And when you take into account that this is a show aimed at kids... it all makes sense. Kids don't like romantic stuff, nor do they need it. But what do they need? Learning more about friendship, especially with that girl or boy they tend to fight a lot and don't get along well. It's a perfect reason to make you think that that there will never be anything more in this relationship. But it gets on our older fans' nerves because - naturally, the characters are not kids, they're teens. Things function differently here. I mean, okay - Karmi and Hiro may not be each other's type (debatable) in the end, but you can't tell me they don't care for each other at it's base, and that they will learn to get their rivalry out of the way to make a clear path for that. And when that happens, everything's possible.

But coming back to the first thing I brought up - the characters from the TV show rarely, if ever, make it to the sequel of the movie. Which means, whatever happens with these two, they will probably split up. It's saddening, and I wish things would change there. Hey, seeing Karmi in the sequel would make who knows how many of us happy. And not just her - bunch of other characters too. Or at least give them an honorable mention.

It's because TV shows get made for kids that nothing from it gets transferred to the sequel of the movie, which gets made for audiences of all ages. If there's something I wish would change, it's that - having TV shows dumbed down for kids. And with that I mean - seeing characters a lot older act like they're children. What the heck is that teaching the little kids? That reality will never be like they saw it on TV?

Kudos, and a really big KUDOS to the shows that are tackling this particular thing. It's good and it's healthy. If you wanna make something for kids, make it really appropriate for kids. Don't tug on the nerves of us older people, because - whatever the world says, there will always be those older ones that watch cartoons, ages ranging from older teens to who knows how old. We don't like watching those dumbed down things, no matter how profitable it is for you, content-makers, to target it only for kids, who will get you the most money. Yeah, it's harder to make such stuff, we know, but it's not impossible. At least show a little effort.

But, concerning that, I can't complain on BH6's TV show anymore. The second season was fantastic so far, and those 'dumbed-down' elements were reduced to the bare minimum. I just hope it stays that way.

... Well, this was a whole lot that came out of me just because of posting one silly fangirl drawing. XD Hope some of you actually managed to read this.... Too bad all of this is going to get dumped in the Scraps' section (please make a Sketch section, DA!), like most of my uploads do.

I live and breathe sketches. lol

Oh well - thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. XD I'm really done this time.

#karmiro #karmi #hiro #big hero 6 #bh6 #tv show #disney #karmi x hiro #hirarmi #kiss #sketch #deviantart #billiejean485 #bj485 #my art

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rwbyconversations · 5 years

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RWBY LVL Up 2019 Expo Panel Summaries

So, first one of these for the 6-7 hiatus. This took place on the weekend of April 27th-28th, and saw two panels with the four RWBY girls. Most notably, the panel actually fielded questions from the r/RWBY subreddit prior to the Q&A.

Saturday

Twitch VOD here. Keep in mind Twitch auto-deletes VODs so this link may be dead if you’re coming back to this in a few weeks The Twitch channel mentions a user called SoraKasaiSkyFire is going to upload them on Youtube. It’s a short little interview session done on the show floor.

This was Kara’s first time in Vegas.

The host is actually an long-time fan of RWBY and opens by talking about how Monty’s legacy has carried on. He highlights Grimm Eclipse and asks if we’ll see RWBY go into other games. Lindsay hopes for an MMO and mentions Amity Arena and Blazblue Cross Tag Battle. Barbara also mentions the Combat Ready board game and Vicious Circle, an unrelated RT project.

What jobs besides being a Huntress do you think your character would have? Barbara thinks Yang would be a personal trainer. Arryn thinks Blake would be a civil lawyer. Kara thinks Weiss would become a Broadway star, and Lindsay goes for Ruby going into a bakery.

If you could bring back any dead character at the cost of a living one, who? Lindsay immediately offers Pyrrha in exchange for Salem (Kara gets ticked off because she was going to say that). Arryn jokingly says “Kill Zwei,” while Barbara mulls over Torchwick. Kara says kill Jacques and bring back Pyrrha.

What advice do you have for people who want to get into the entertainment industry? Lindsay talks about how it’s overwhelming that RWBY took off when they envisioned it as a small passion project and says to keep an eye out for more side-projects.

Sunday

VOD link here. They’re playing some Smash during the Q&A.

Host Guy’s shirt offends me on a spiritual level. The whole “Stars of such anime like RWBY, Red Vs Blue and Camp Camp” line makes me snicker. That’s my token anime elitism moment out of the way.

Apparently it’s a semi-infrequent thing for the VAs where they’ll meet people cosplaying as RWBY characters and the cosplayers won’t recognize them.

What is the current biggest flaw your character has going into Volume 7? Kara thinks Weiss needs to learn how to get along with her family. Barb thinks Yang is a bit too caring for her friends and talks about how Yang is particularly going through some self-discovery and her abandonment issues in relation to Raven.

What advice would you give aspiring voice actors? Barbara talks about how hard it is to get into VA work, but there’s always something out there, even if it’s just a car commercial or a friend doing some small animation project. It mostly comes down to being in the right place at the right time. Arryn quips that she could use some advice herself.

They get interrupted a lot by the Smash play.

What was your favorite volume to record for and why? Barb- Volume 5 because of Yang’s arc with Raven. Arryn- Volume 5 as well, since that’s when Blake heads home and has to work through the eternal problem of Daddy Issues, (”Since that’s what everyone has.”) and that Blake got to rally the troops.

How do you deal with emotion in the studio? Barbara explains how challenging it is. Camera acting lets you act through your body language and face, but with VA work you have to carry everything through your voice. Arryn mentions how Blake is very monotonous in the early volumes and how she had to take a few tries to get that level without it falling into sounding asleep.

If RWBY’s Aura had a scent what would it smell like? Barbara thinks Yang’s would smell like citrus. Arryn goes for a newly opened book. Lindsay and Kara were too distracted by Smash to answer so Barb and Arryn opine that Ruby’s would smell like cookies and Weiss’s Aura would smell like a waterfall or hot linen.

What are the best and worst qualities of your characters in your eyes? Barbara thinks Yang’s best quality is how much she cares for the people in her life, but that’s also her weakness since she needs to learn when to draw the line and work on her temper. Arryn thinks Blake doesn’t talk about her feelings a lot and had a bad problem to run from her problems, but she’s unfailingly honest when she does stick around.

Which outfits of Team RWBY do you like the most? Barbara holds a soft spot for her OG outfit but bluntly says that she’s looking forward to the new Atlas outfits (they’ve really not been trying to hide that Atlas will mark new outfits for RWBY at least). Arryn has apparently seen Blake’s new gear but thinks her favorite Blake outfit was her PJs.

What jobs besides being Huntress would your character have chosen? This got asked the day prior. The only new addition is Barbara and Arryn joking a mechanic Yang would be sexy.

I think this was actually my question- I asked Arryn if she thought Adam was ever a good person or if he was always a psycho. Arryn firmly believes he was always a monster who “dissected animals as a kid,” like Sid from Toy Story. Arryn also mentions the people who were bitter at Adam not getting a redemption arc, while Barbara talks about how people try and find the good in villains.

They go off topic and talk about games for a long bit. Barbara used to love Smite and played in a few tournaments in-house in RT, while Arryn loves Animal Crossing and Borderlands. Lindsay has been undefeated for the entire Q&A to this point.

What’s the hardest challenge your character’s faced. Kara thinks just going to Beacon was a big challenge for Weiss, and also her confrontation with Jacques at the fundraiser. Barbara mentions confronting Adam at the end of Volume 6. Arryn talks briefly about going home to her family in Volume 4 before getting interrupted by Lindsay’s winning streak being broken.

The guy host decides to ask a few questions exclusively to Ruby- she agrees with how Ruby’s Aura would smell. Ruby’s greatest challenge has been trying to find herself and move out of her socially awkward/lone wolf shell through becoming a leader and finding that inner strength, which manifested in Volume 6 with her arguing with Qrow.

Final question- any common fan opinions about your characters you don’t like? Kara refuses to let White Knight die and is sure that Weiss has a small crush on Jaune. Barbara isn’t very fond of when people’s headcanons or theories are proven wrong and they criticize the show because of it. “Difference between criticism and hate.” Arryn hates that some people still ship Blake and Adam. Lindsay doesn’t enjoy some people’s takes of characters being bad and that they shouldn’t be in the show, it’s more than just black and white for some characters (someone tell whoever’s writing Cinder that -_-).

#rwby #lvl up expo #Lindsay Jones #kara eberle #arryn zech #barbara dunkelman #rwby panels #lvlupexpo #lvl up expo 2019 #ruby rose #weiss schnee #Blake Belladonna #yang xiao long

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secret-diary-of-an-fa · 5 years

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Hidden Gems of the Silver Screen (And, to a Lesser Extent, the Telly)

It can’t have escaped your notice that the majority of my more recent posts (and fuck knows I’m not posting regularly at the moment) are about movies and TV. The reason for that is pretty simple: 2019 has, surprisingly, yielded some great movies and TV... and also some really torrid shite. On the one hand, films like Ma, Brightburn and The Perfection continue to breathe new life into the horror genre. On the other hand, sci-fi as a cinematic and televised thing continues to ignore its actual audience in favour of sniffing its own farts in a sound-proof chamber designed specifically for next-level virtue-signalling. One thing I will say about the dreck of 2019 is that it’s interesting dreck, at least so far. Another Life, for example, isn’t just bad: it’s mind-bogglingly, fascinatingly bad, as though someone set out to make the worst TV series imaginable and accidentally created a portal to another dimension made entirely of crap.

With all the amazingly wonderful and transifxingly terrible visual media on offer lately, it’s easy to forget that there’s a rich repository of films and TV series from just a few years ago that you’ve probably never watched. You see if you, like me, are a snooty, card-carrying member of the elitist intelligentsia, you probably missed films and TV series that looked dumb as soup on the surface on the grounds that they weren’t worth your time. Luckily for you, I’ve dived nose-first into the detritus of our dying culture, so you don’t have to, and I’ve ferreted out the diamonds from the pig-swill. Without further ado, I’d therefore like to present my list Easily Overlooked Gems.

1. Mandy The phrase “Nicholas Cage stars in a sword-and-sorcery rape/revenge thriller” does not inspire confidence. It’s therefore easy to ignore Mandy and the promptly forget it ever existed. Which is a shame, because it’s kind of a work of genius. The plot is exactly what you’d expect: a cult kidnaps, rapes and kills Cage’s girlfriend, Mandy, and Cage sets out on a mission of revenge culminating in a blood-bath. The nature of the revenge quest is what puts a sting in the film’s tail- or tale, if you’re feeling puntastic. You see, a lot of the bad guys exist in a constant hallucinatory haze after taking a drug that sent them mad after one dose. In order to fight on their level, Cage has to take a dose too. As a result, the world around him slowly but surely transforms into a nightmare landscape that looks like a cross between a D&D illustration and the cover of a heavy metal album and his grubby, personal mission of fury takes on the unmistakable resonance of a Conan-esque hero’s quest. By the end of the film, you have to wonder if Cage has actually slipped into some sort of alternate dimension or if he’s just lost his game-pieces completely. In places, it’s nearly as painful to watch as Landmine Goes Click (crikey, there’s one for the history buffs) but it looks and feels like Beyond the Black Rainbow. Worth your attention just because of how weird it is. I give it a solid four-out-five decapitated rapists.

2. Baby Driver Nothing about Baby Driver suggested it would be a good film: the way it was advertised as a car-chase movie trying to be cute; the stupid title; the fact that it came and went through cinemas like a fart in the night. Which is a shame, because it’s secretly brilliant. It’s a highly stylised crime film populated with the archest archetypes money can buy (to the point where some of the dialogue has a weirdly beat-poetic feel to it). It’s saturated colour palette and off-beat affect actually have something of a full-colour Jim Jarmusch flick about them. The hook, of course, is that the lead character (only ever referred to as Baby, because he’s got a punchably youthful face) has tinnitus and therefore has to listen to music constantly to drown at the buzzing in his head. The practical upshot of this is that a) every single scene is overlayed with surprisingly great and situationally appropriate music and b) he goes through life like he’s always dancing, so his way of moving lends to the film’s easy-going sense of flow. It also explains where his preternatural driving skills come from (I mean, not really, but within the context of the plot): he’s used to sliding effortlessly into patterns and rhythms because of the music thing. All of this could make a terrible film, of course, but execution is everything and, to everyone’s surprise, especially mine, this flick was executed with an astonishing level of panache. I rate it ten out of ten grizzly motor way pile ups.

3. Nightflyers It’s not just films that get overlooked as the tide of culture washes back and forth, like a great big sea of effluent. TV series also vanish unduly into the dustbin of history. Case in point, the criminally underappreciated Nighrflyers: Netflix pre-Another Life sci-fi offering that was actually good. It’s a pretty classic set-up: a group of mismatched wing-nuts on a spaceship, all of whom have secrets that that will threaten to tear them apart while they try to make contact with an alien life-form. What elevates Nightflyers is just how fuck-uped the cast are. There’s an angry British psychic whose spent his whole life in captivity in case he goes full Scanners on somebody’s head, a guy who only ever appears as a hologram for reasons too twisted to explain here, his evil mother whose uploaded her mind to the ship’s computer and gone batshit crazy, a genetic superbeing and a hacker who can send her mind into computers via a dodgy implant and who may or may not be drifting out of touch with the human condition. It’s great. 6 and half billion out of 7 billion monkeys, boiling in the void.

4. Hardcore Henry No, I don’t know who thought that title was a good idea either, but the point is that Hardcore Henry has no motherfucking right to kick as much arse as it does. It was clearly made on a budget that would embarrass a Youtube shampoo commercial, but it just flat-out rocks. Shot entirely in first-person, it follows the adventures of a mute cyborg as he seeks revenge against the bastard psychic entrepreneur who first built him then tried to kill him. Along the way, his main ally is a dude who keeps dying and coming back to life in a series of identical bodies but with radically different personalities and haircuts (this is eventually explained, but I’m not going to spoil it for you). It’s premise is demented, it’s surprisingly well-choreographed and its soundtrack is an aphrodisiac for your ears. Also, Tim Roth is in it, so that’s just yer seal of quality right there. It came out to a lot of fanfare and many, many cinema trailers back in the day and was then promptly forgotten about as soon as it launched. So I’m dragging it kicking and screaming back into the limelight. It’s on Netflix right now, so go watch it. I rate it a solid 11 out of 15 creepy duplicates of Tim Roth.

5. Upgrade Another lesser-known film about a cyborg. Unlike Henry, however, this cyborg’s life doesn’t so much ‘rock’ as ‘suck balls’. He gets crippled and then ends up with a sentient computer chip in his head that allows him to remote-control his own body despite not having a working spine anymore. Naturally, his experimental tech attracts the attention of some unsavoury characters and he and his brain-chip have to work together to figure out what’s going on, often through a series of ultra-violent, gory fight-scenes that horrify the protagonist himself. Of course, all might be well, except that the head-chip is a homicidal little shit that clearly has its own agenda. I give it at least 0000 0111 out of 0000 1001 painstakingly restored vintage kill-bots.

6. The Tick The Tick isn’t as overlooked as everything else on this list, especially since there have been a couple of previous televised incarnations of the franchise to lay the groundwork. However, I still feel like the modern iteration doesn’t quite get the love it deserves, so I’m throwing it out here. Following the adventures a mad, amnesiac and possibly stupid superhero and his neurotic sidekick, The Tick explores a world where superheroes aren’t the paragons of good from classic comics, the corrupt psychotics of The Boys or Watchmen, or the eternally struggling, walking moral life-lessons of modern cinema. Instead, they’re just ordinary people operating at various levels of competence/incompetence and mental illness and working within a bureaucratic, wildly inefficient framework. That might not sound like a recipe for a successful TV series, but it really is. Drawing out the mundane, human side of heroes and villains against the backdrop of cataclysmic, civilisation-threatening events makes for infinitely compelling and very, very funny viewing. It’s kind of doing for the superhero genre what Futurama did for sci-fi a few years back. It’s also where the phrase and/or popular song ‘seven billion monkeys boiling in the void’ comes from. My rating is four out of five sapient, homosexual boats (which will make sense when you watch it).

7. The Void Amid the high-budget horror extravaganzas of recent years, it’s easy to forget about the void, which feels like the best story H.P. Lovecraft never wrote and looks like David Chronenberg tried to adapt a Heironimous Bosch painting... in the ‘80s. The actual plot concerns a group of people getting trapped in a hospital by murderous cultists and discovering dark secrets and, arguably, a whole other dimension in its basement. You’re not exactly there for the plot though: The Void is a mood-piece and an exercise in visual FX craftsmanship. You’re there to drink in the atmosphere and see what each new cosmic horror looks like. I am delighted to award it ten out of ten unspeakable whisperers in the darkness. That’s enough for two barbershop quartets, an emcee and a supporting act.

8. Happy Death Day It’s Groundhog Day but as a horror film starring a really annoying lass in her late teens has to keep dying horribly until she learns to stop being such a terrible person... and also kill her murderer with a little help from her newly-minted, non-cunty friend. There’s a sequel that I haven’t seen yet, but the original is a low-key, oft-overlooked delight. I give it 9 out of 11 suspiciously similar corpses.

#Secret Diary of a Fat Admirer #films #tv shows #movies #Mandy #Baby Driver #Nightflyers #The Tick #The Void #Tick #happy death day #Upgrade

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charactersadvocatechimata · 5 years

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Fata Morgana

Here is a preview of the WinterIron I’m working on. Full chapter should be uploaded on Ao3 by the 31st.

People will lie. There is no avoiding that. Nod on cue and politely smile. Think nothing of it. People will lie. When to be cautious, is not at a lie, but at a deflection. Those that distract with blinding smile or a song or an extravagant gesture. Be wary. Fae will bait you away with desires and dreams. Spirited away. Never to return. Be wary.

At least that’s what Ma would say. On loud nights, when the men of Brooklyn would gather to drink and sing. Loud to chase away dark idealizations. She would cuddle him close. Whisper stories of beautiful people who lead good Catholics astray. Of heroes that braved enchanted towers and won against seduction.

Of course, that memory could have been its own seductive dream. Memory was a tricky beast even for the day-to-day people. Having your brain cooked sunny side up by Hydra doesn’t improve things either. Not that anyone thinks it would. Late night television is not selling electroshocks as the cure for old age memory loss.

So Bucky was on the fence about his current situation. Did Tony Stark really kidnap him? If anyone were crazy enough to abduct the Winter Soldier, Stark would be on that list. Well, in his humble opinion. Crazy people never seem to think things through, either. Take, for example, Bucky’s bindings. Rope couldn’t stop an assassin. The Winter Soldier is a super assassin. Rope was cake on a silver platter of escape.

Escape. Right. The hero always struggles to escape. But he has lived far too long to be considered a hero. Heroes hope for humanity’s salvation. Not eternal sleep.

“Boss, I think the Princess is awake.”

Princess?! Oh, that was close. A slight twitch might go unnoticed but slamming his fists against the floor would not.

“Are you sure?”

Something jabs him twice in the shoulder. By some mercy, it was the shoulder attached to the meat arm. Even so, it’s still a jab into sensitive squish parts. But his body remains still. Thank Hydra for unparallel pain tolerance. Ha!

“Friday. How do you tell if a possum is playing dead?”

“It depends on the possum, I think.” A static hum consumes the quiet of the room. “You could draw something unflattering on his forehead.”

“Oh, love it.”

Something pops, and the stick of non-drinkable alcohol tickles his nose. Stark wouldn’t? Would he? Fuck crazy people and their unpredictable tendencies.

“Is this necessary? Couldn’t you just kill me? No reason to desecrate my body.” Bucky slams his hands between himself and the red marker. A wall to protect him from whatever Stark wanted to draw on his face. Probably something worse than the standard dick drawing.

Stark’s eyes trail from Bucky to the marker. A marker that’s only an inch from Bucky’s face. Then pouts. A full pout only found in cartoons with sings birds and large reflective eyes. Seriously. What is so exciting about drawing on a tired man’s face? Or putting starfish magnets on his metal arm?

“We're not going to kill you, Barnes.”

Bucky shifts his eyes around the room. Empty except for the crazy rich man with a marker and himself. No woman, he can’t help but imagine as a redhead. Stark does not voice a comment or give any indication of the location of the third human. In the security office? Remaining far away from Hydra’s favorite killing machine. Perhaps, some who isn’t crazy.

“Right now.”

Stark continues to fiddle with the marker refusing to put the damn thing done. To give up the grand opportunity to use Bucky’s forehead as paper. Not even the quality stuff. No, the scraps an artist uses to doodle.

“Has anyone told you that you resemble a depressing sandwich? And despite what the fire department may tell you, or Pepper for that matter. I know what I'm talking about. I have made my share of depressing sandwiches. Mostly, with mustard.” Stark makes a sweeping motion with the marker- still uncapped. “I tired honey dijon once because a random website told me too. I must say, I prefer mustard.”

The marker jumps up and twirls with the rhythm of Stark’s words in complete sync. A remarkable feat considering he had forgotten all about said writing utensil. Or that’s what Bucky hopes. He’s nice like that.

“What does food have to do with any of this?”

The marker is finally capped, and Stark frowns. Yet doesn’t say a thing. Did Bucky actually say anything? He is far too used to keeping any thought to himself. Stark dropped the marker. Bucky grabs it, just to make sure, while Stark turns away. More silence. Hardly illuminating to what the rats running Stark’s crazy brain thinks.

For a single heartbeat, Stark stilled between one step and the next. In that one thump of his heart, Stark stand between two thoughts. Is he turning his back on a weapon or a monster? Hydra handlers were quick to dismiss the Asset as a simple weapon. Yet he was required to present a gun to the handler if they were alone. As protection from a monster. Which will Stark choose?

Bucky doesn’t expect an answer. Doesn’t get one either. Stark simple takes his next step then another. Until he completely leaves Bucky’s line of sight.

Free from the ropes, and, as far as he can tell, alone in an empty meeting room. Bucky plots. Or at least takes another look around. There is a large table and a lot of chairs. Too many chairs. And windows blacked out. Standard stuff for the business life.

Except.

“Please, remain inside the room.”

The voice. Again. He does not like voices without bodies. There is nothing to stab if there is no body. “Do I have a reason to leave?”

“To destroy. As is your nature.”

“Is that why you will be deactivating and destroying me? For my sins? Or for Stark’s grudge?”

“I think justice is more appropriate. Don’t you, Barnes?”

“Is it just me or did this whole room get several degrees more depressing?” Stark returned holding a plate that looks like a mini Captain America shield with two sandwiches. Another was between his teeth. Already half eaten. He blinks, nose twitching and the sandwich disappears with the last bite. “Are you having a showdown with My AI?” The plate is held high even as Stark tilts his head to the side. “You shouldn’t. She cheats.”

{Comment about AI}

“I do not. I am a proper lady.”

“That cheats and starts fights with cyborgs.”

“I didn’t start anything. But I will finish it.”

Friday, as Stark called the ceiling, ends the sentence with enough implied judgment to anchor an entire fleet of ships. During a heavy storm. But Bucky didn’t start shit. No matter how the ceiling paints it.

Well…

There was the whole thing with Steve.

“I made you depressing sandwiches.” Stark shoves the plate into Bucky’s personal bubble. It is presented with the same pride a child presents a gift to their mother. “There is mustard and tomatoes. Salami. Maybe. The evidence is uncertain.”

Well, the sandwiches look innocent enough sitting on the mini shield. The bread is white with seeds. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just different. There is definitely the strong fatty smell of salami. More of a last meal than what Hydra would offer. Looks good, too.

Taking the food incites Stark to grin, small but bright, like a star off in the distance. How easy it would be for Stark’s blinding smiles to hide all sorts of grime. Pierce could disarm anyone with a smile as well, even Fury.

Stark gave him a sandwich at least.

“Now, according to personal experience, it’s time for the evil monologue. The fun part.”

Bucky takes a bite. Otherwise, etiquette would dictate that he respond. And Stark has a crazy sparkle in his eyes. Never respond to the crazy. That and silence is easy. Nodding is easy. People usually just continue when he nods.

“Right! So last night or the prior evening or something. Not important. What is important is that a waking dream gave me an idea. And no it wasn’t a dream. I was definitely awake. Dreams usually have someone screaming.” Stark’s hand smacks the notion away. “Nor was I hallucinating. You can’t trust hallucinations. But this is a good idea. A genius idea!” His other hand shoots straight into the air.

“What idea?” The fucking moron asks. You’d never figure Buck’s been around for hundred years. He knew not to engage the crazy. Bucky blames the second sandwich. Didn’t get into his mouth fast enough. Fucker.

Stark is too crazy to catch Bucky’s mental stumble. But the AI. The AI is judging him. Judging and laughing it up. Silently. Like a dick. Dick.

“Revenge! Because what else can I do? It’s either this or a time machine. And I promise I was going to go with the time machine. But Pepper vetoed that. Which fair. No one wants me running around in the time stream. I wouldn’t be able to help myself even knowing I’d probably fuck it up.”

Stark flexes his right hand. He stops to stare at the fingers curling and uncurling, grasping for something. “I keep having that same dream. It only got worse after. Zombie Steve with the shield. Blaming me. For fucking up. Not doing enough. Always saying the wrong thing. I work and go to therapy. But the dreams remain. The bodies piling up.” His eyes slide shut. One last time those fingers curl then clench tight.

“So I kidnapped you.” Stark spreads his arms out wide. “Part of it was panic. Rhodey may have destroyed the ancient technology that might have been a mobile phone. Hard to say, archeology isn’t my strong suit. Whatever. I do know he dropped it down the Mariana Trench. But I would be surprised if it survived. And Steve.”

The stars vanish from his eyes. His arms are slammed from the air by gravity. “No, it’s Rogers now. Rogers.” Stark’s mumbling to himself now. His audience forgot.

Because what? Bucky’s just chopped liver. Not the intend audience. Fuck that. He’ll just be stupid and blame it on Hydra. Hydra played happy sack with electricity and his brain. He has earned at least using them as an excuse.

“Why would ‘Pepper’ nix the time machine?”

Bucky could actually see Stark remember he had an audience. His eyes blinking and tilting. His gaze landing on Bucky. And the ‘oh’ formed on his lips. Like prose on a page in a fairytale book for children.

“I told you.”

“Yeah, I got that. But there is no way you could build a time machine that goes back in time. Pretty sure Einstein nixed that.”

“I could.”

Sure. Maybe if he had another hundred years or so. But Bucky ain’t holding his breath.

This whole thing is a farce. Like Stark’s the only one hunted by ghosts. Everyone’s got nightmares. Bucky’s got seventy years to fuel his phantoms and shadows. World War 2. Hydra. The Red Room. But he fucking buries it. Right next to the bodies. Smiles and grins instead. Fucking telling stories from the 1930’s he isn’t sure he remembers or read in Rogers’ file. Writing broken dreams in journals that switch from Russian to English to Italian to German.

And for fucking what. To be used against Stevie. Again. “I refuse.” And fuck him.

“Okay.” Stark nods. Takes back the plate, gripping it to his chest. Takes a step back. Grins and bows. A grand gesture indicating the open door. A showman’s bow ending the play, waiting for the curtains to fall. But for all it’s supposed glam it’s dull. All the color that made Stark shine shut away. With a delicate slam. Something that might even go unnoticed.

Again there is that silent laughter. Mocking him.

But sunlight is pushing itself inside. Bucky follows the light out. Stark had been right. The room was depressing. The blinding hallway wasn’t much better.

Bucky wants his goggles.

#winteriron #Iron Man #Winter Solider #Avengers #tony stark #Bucky Barnes #bucky x tony #fanfic #ao3fic #My writing #my stuff

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whistlewhileiblogit · 6 years

Text

Telltale Batjokes/Juce Soulmate AU Fic

A/N: The long awaited soulmate Au fic!! It is longer than I intended, welp ;_; Also go easy on me because it’s been years since I have last uploaded writing and this is my first time doing so on Tumblr. ALSO I know a lot of you guys suggested I kept my original idea and not change it after the ending of S2 BUT I actually felt that this ended up working out a lot better but yeah anyway enjoy! <3

“Who- who are you?” Bruce stammered, still visibly shaken from the beating he’d just taken. The man who had saved him knelt down in front of him, a concerned expression on his porcelain face. He wore an Arkham inmate uniform, although he had a long sleeved purple shirt underneath the standard white uniform, with only his left sleeve rolled up.

“Buddy, aww buddy...are you okay?” Bruce blinked. Did this man just...?

“You don’t look so grand...more like the opposite. What would that be?” Bruce blinked, his head still fuzzy, mind racing. Had this man really just said what he think he heard him say?

Bruce realised the man was waiting, wide-eyed and expectantly for a response.

“I...thank you. I appreciate the help.” Bruce stammered, his blue eyes locked onto the pale man’s vibrant green ones.

“You’re welcome,” the man said, snapping Bruce out of his thoughts.

“If we don’t look out for each other, who will, right?” Bruce furrowed his brow at the stranger, taking in his forest-green hair, unable to deter a strong urge to run his hands through it as a woman walked into the room. Her white coat showed she was a doctor, and she didn’t look pleased. The man stood up quickly, like a school-boy caught causing mischief. Bruce wondered if violence was a common occurrence with this man.

“What’s going on in here?” she demanded in a firm, but still polite voice. Bruce barely opened his mouth before the strange man spoke up.

“It’s like I told you Doctor! These creeps were attacking the new guy!” he held a hand out to the unconscious men on the floor. Bruce resisted a smile, rubbing a thumb lightly over his right hip under the guise of rubbing a sore spot. He needed to speak to this man alone...somehow.

“Well who did THAT? Was it you?” the doctor raised an accusatory eyebrow at the green-haired stranger.

“Of course not!” He quickly lied, “it was mostly over by the time I got in. The new guy is tougher than he looks. Right buddy?” He bent over, holding a hand out to Bruce, who took it gingerly. He wasn’t a fan of being held accountable for this guy’s violence. Even if this man was meant to be his…

Bruce grunted as he was pulled up by the stranger. His hands were surprisingly warm, Bruce noted. He had been expecting an ice cold touch to match the colour of his skin.

The doctor inclined her head towards Bruce, “Bruce, is that really what happened?” she asked.

Bruce paused.

“Yeah. Yeah that’s what happened.” the words slipped from his lips before he had even thought it through. He glanced quickly from the man then back to the doctor.

“We have a very strict no fighting policy here in Arkham. If you can't find obey that rule...you’re going to find yourself in hot water fast.” she stated plainly.

“The orderly that was here before took money from these men and let them into my room! He gave them a taser!” Bruce could feel his blood rising again. He knew it was probably still the effects of the drug Vicki had injected into him, but he was still having a hard time ignoring the urge to wrap his hands around someone’s throat.

The doctor didn’t seem to notice his flaring temper, as she replied, “I knew that you coming to arkham could cause some...excitement. But I didn’t expect it to happen so fast. I’ll do my best to keep you safe, but I need you to be careful.” Bruce glowered at her, his temper calming down only slightly.

“Us nice guys gotta stick together. Am I right?” The stranger smiled over at Bruce, drawing his attention back in to his handsome face. Bruce was shocked as a wave of calmness washed over him.

“Thank you, I appreciate the effort.” he nodded politely to the Doctor, forcing a smile.

She smiled back at him, “I’m glad you’re so understanding after what just happened. Good thing help wasn’t far away.” She and Bruce stared over at him. Bruce bit his lip. Did he know? If he did, he hadn’t showed it.

“Hey I’m just looking out for the new guy.” He shrugged casually.

“I’m Doctor Joan Leland, by the way. Head of Psychiatry. I’ll be overseeing your case personally. We’ll get you transferred to a new room, Bruce,” she indicated the blood stains all over the room, “one that doesn’t have your...blood all over it.”

Bruce was hardly listening, distracted as his shoulder brushed against the green-haired man. He couldn’t help but wonder if the man had done it intentionally.

“For now, follow me.” Doctor Leland ordered, leading them out of the room.

Bruce took his chance as they began to walk together, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever got your name-?”

The man paused, a discernible expression on his face, then glanced over to Bruce, an eyebrow raised and a devilish smirk on his face.

“Me?” he asked.

“He’s never given his name out to anybody.” Doctor Leland chimed in, when the man had begun to laugh maniacally to himself.

“We just call him ‘John Doe’.” she added, as they continued on.

“Bingo!” The man-or now, John, Bruce supposed- began laughing to himself once more, as though it were the funniest thing that only he knew his real name.

“John is one of our most improved patients.” Doctor Leland began as the trio headed down the vast halls of Arkham. “He’s been with us for quite some time. I’m sure he’d be willing to show you around. Right John?” Bruce wasn’t listening, however, but rather staring at John. His hand brushed over his hip again, his thumb grazing that same spot once more. He knew what words had been imprinted there, what words had always been there. Words he had waited his entire life to hear. Words he had long since forgotten about, too busy, too hurt to bother considering that he would ever actually hear them. The very first words his soulmate would say to him.

But John...he was a patient. How could Bruce deal with whatever baggage this man carried, when he already carried the weight of the world’s on his back?

“Oh yeah, I’ll show him the whole nine yards.” John smirked, striding casually down the halls with his hands placed behind his back.

“I think it would be best if you stay by his side for now.” Doctor Leland suggested. Bruce couldn’t believe it. This was just too ridiculously perfect for this not to be real. Ever since childhood he’d been told how soulmates not only find each other, but are always somehow...drawn to be with one another. That it was impossible to avoid your fate. Maybe his parents were right.

Bruce, lost in thought, lingered slowly behind John and Doctor Leland, only vaguely listening to their conversation on John’s improvement, when an arm suddenly reached out and gripped Bruce’s own. “I CAN’T TASTE ANYTHING!!! I WANT TO TASTE!!!” A patient screamed at Bruce as he pulled out of his grip. A couple of orderlies rushed in to handle things, and John raised an eyebrow over at Bruce, “You gotta be more careful Bruce...some of these guys bite.”

Bruce said nothing, but moved to stay on the opposite side of the hall, away from the cells.

“Do you remember the first time you let me into the rec room, Doctor Leland?” John started up again. Bruce decided paying attention would be the better choice. After all, he had no idea how long he would have to be in Arkham for...and getting to know John could only be good, right?

“How could I forget?” Doctor Leland replied fondly.

“You had to teach me how to play checkers.” John reminisced. Bruce wondered how long exactly John had been in Arkham, if he’d never known how to play checkers.

Doctor Leland didn’t get to respond, as an inmate suddenly ran towards an old phone, “No no… you need to let me go! I have to warn the president! They’re trying to kill me!!!” He wailed, being dragged away by two orderlies quickly.

“They don’t like it when you try to use the phone.” John whispered warningly, but not quiet enough that Doctor Leland didn’t hear.

“That’s because phones are for staff use only. No exceptions.” She glanced quickly at Bruce, who couldn’t help feel slightly defensive at her accusatory stare.

“Didn’t stop that guy from trying...such persistence.” John quickly moved over the the door of the patients cell, banging on it aggressively, “Wrong number, dumbass!”

“John!” snapped Doctor Leland. John immediately stopped, a doe-eyed expression on his face.

They finally stopped at two double doors. “I’ll come by to check on you two later.” Doctor Leland said.

“Don’t worry about us, Doctor Leland! I’m gonna take good care of him.” John replied as he lead Bruce through the doors to the rec room. He opened his arms widely, “Welcome... to Arkham Asylum. Believe it or not, some of these people are crazy!” Bruce took in the entire room, mentally mapping out everything he could. How many guards there were, the exits, the patients, and the quality of everything within. “But everyone’s friendly. Mostly.” John added with a smile. “I’d watch yourself around those two.” He inclined his head over towards an old man with a sock puppet, and a shirtless bald man covered in scars that looked eerily like tally marks.

“Thanks for the warning.” Bruce said softly.

“No problem, buddy.” John replied casually, his demeanour like one who was showing a new employee around the workplace. “Let’s see...on the couch, that’s Sane Lewis. His favourite show’s on. Never misses it.” The television was playing static. John stood in front of the man, cupping his hands together, a sweet smile on his face. “Alright friendo- commercial break. Get up!” he snapped, but needn’t go any further as the man rushed away hastily. As Bruce neared, John had begun looking around the area, his hands placed thoughtfully on his hips. Bruce wondered if his words were in the same spot on John as they were on himself. “Where is...the remote? One of the orderlies must have taken it. Never fear though! I’ll go ask Leland. She likes me.” He boasted proudly, going to head past Bruce before pausing with a blink. “I almost forgot. Here.” Before Bruce realised what he was doing, John’s hand was in his, as he felt the weight of something chunky and metallic hit his palm. He glanced down. It was an old fashioned key.

“What is this?” He asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. John simply smiled, and walked away. Bruce decided it would be best to figure out what the key was for later, pocketing it quickly.

Bruce spent some time listening in to other inmates conversations, and even attempting to use the key a couple of times to no avail. He refused to admit the slight relief he felt when John entered the room once more.

“Hey there, buddy boy!” John waved, “Ya missed me? I missed you.” John made himself comfortable in the old worn out armchair he had forced Sane Lewis out of, placing his feet up as he turned the tv on to the news.

Bruce watched as Harvey Dent- his old friend spoke of the Children of Arkham, how he was going to clean up Gotham’s streets. John scowled, “Never anything good on, is there?”

Bruce contemplated his next move. He by no means planned on staying in Arkham for long, but he did need to speak to John...no matter how suspicious he seemed. Sighing to himself, he walked over to John, “Your key. It didn’t work.”

John giggled inwardly, “Of course not, that’s not how you get out of here.” He grinned up at Bruce, his laughter apparently hard to control as he spoke, “You tried it though, didn’t you! That’s hilarious!” Bruce frowned, unamused, and the two men both turned their attention back towards the tv. “Politicians usually bore me to tears, but this one? This one has become a lot more interesting lately...” he turned to Bruce with a smirk, then back to the tv once more.

“In my Gotham no one’s above the law. Including Bruce Wayne.” Bruce felt John’s eyes boring into him, but was determined to keep a straight face, keeping his eyes forward. “After his vicious attack on Oswald Cobblepot I had Mr. Wayne committed to Arkham Asylum where I hope he’ll receive the treatment he so desperately needs.” Bruce gritted his teeth as his mind began reeling again. That same urge to strangle someone had returned, only this time it was directed towards Harvey.

“That double crossing, two-faced-”

“I thought you and the mayor were friends?” John smirked. He was trying to rile Bruce up, and if he had been in the right state of mind he would be able to shrug it off. But this was different. “Harvey was my friend. I can’t believe he’s the one who put me in here.”

“Sounds like you need better friends.” John muttered, a slight inflection in his voice. Was he implying himself? “Slim picking around here though. I’ve looked.” He added sadly, before turning back to the tv, catching the ending of Harvey’s speech. “Now THIS is good television!” He laughed. “‘Mayor on a rampage’ versus ‘Freaky Drug Terrorist’!” He chuckled to himself.

“Lady Arkham’s dangerous, way more dangerous than you think.” Bruce warned him, feeling the effects of the drugs calming down again, hopefully for the last time.

“Ohhhh I know about Lady Arkham, let me tell you...”

“-Tragically, there’s still no sign of Gotham Gazette reporter, Vicki Vale, after her mysterious disappearance earlier this week.” The news reporter read as a photo of Vicki-Lady Arkham- flashed on the screen.

“Very tricky, Vicki.” John commented, leaning over to Bruce, resting his chin in the palm of his hand knowingly, “I think we both know she’s quite the ‘Lady’. Right Bruce?”

Bruce felt his eyes widen, unable to hide his surprise. Who was this man? How did he know…

“Wait, you know that Vicki is...Tell me what you know-” Bruce began, only to be interrupted b John, who was clearly enjoying this.

“You want to find Vicki and her drugs huh? Get your revenge just like you got your revenge on Cobblepot? Publicly and dramatically! Something entertaining for these newscasters to talk about.” He smirked at Bruce.

“That all depends on you. If your information is good, we’ll see.” Bruce answered sternly. Soulmate or not, he didn’t trust this guy as far as he could throw him. He was starting to be relieved that this man didn’t seem to know at least that fact about him.

“I knew I liked you.” John smiled, rising to his feet. “I’ve been watching you for a while now, Bruce.” He spoke in a husky voice, one that sent chills down Bruce’s spine, and he wasn’t certain whether it was from fear, or something else. “And I can tell there’s something...darker in you.” John was staring at Bruce almost predatorily now. Bruce fought the urge to match his stare, knowing it was probably better not to compete with John. But those eyes...they were impossible to look away from. Despite all of this, Bruce still wanted to know...who exactly was John Doe?

One Year Later…

Bruce didn’t know what to say, as he sat across from John...or was it still Joker? Bruce realised he didn’t even know what to call his best friend anymore. He almost let out a laugh at that thought. Best friend. He knew that their relationship had long since passed that territory, yet also neither of them had ever had the guts to say so. That was until a month ago, when everything had just gone straight downhill…

“I was such an idiot.” John’s voice rang clear as day through Bruce’s memory. “I was so busy looking at you. Admiring you. Wanting to be like you.” He had paused, hesitated. “Be loved by you.” Bruce still remembered the lump in his throat in that moment. Maybe because it was the same one he had in this very instant.

“H-hi John.” He finally stammered, forcing himself to look John right in those big green eyes of his. He hoped he’d picked the right name.

“Oh Bruce, I-I’m so happy to see you!” John’s arms reached out, and Bruce prepared himself for those infamous hugs John seemed to love giving him. But it never came, as John hesitantly pulled his arms back into his lap. “Sorry...probably not a good idea...given the circumstances.”

Bruce sighed softly, out of relief that he was in fact going by John once more. He licked his lips, feeling his mouth was completely dry, his palms sweaty...why did he have to be so nervous around John? So uncertain? He had lived most of his life faking emotion for others, being able to pretend he was cool, calm, confident. But never with John. Nothing could ever be fake with John.

“It’s good to see you too, John.” Bruce stared down at his lap. He needed to get so much off his chest. Things he had wished he had been brave to speak about long before all of this happened. But talking about his feelings did not come as a second nature to Bruce, and usually when he tried, he’d screw things up.

“Why?” John suddenly uttered, turning Bruce’s attention back to him. “After everything I did...why wouldn’t you just leave me here to rot? Everyone else has.” John sounded so vulnerable, like he might even cry. Bruce had never wanted to hold him more. John hissed abruptly, cradling his right hand in his left. He rubbed a thumb lightly over his palm, where a dark bruised scar with stitches ran along it. Bruce winced alongside John, not even realising he had extended a hand to lightly touch it.

John fell silent as Bruce traced his finger along the ridges of the stitches, finally staring back up at Bruce.

“You’re my f-...you...mean a lot to me, John. And for what it’s worth, I’m so sorry about this.” Bruce gave him a small smile, scooting closer to examine the stitches further. “Heh...two threads in the same stitch, right?” Bruce’s smile dropped as quickly as it had appeared. “Sorry, that’s not fu-”

He paused as John slowly began chuckling, watching as it grew into full on laughter.

“That is funny Bruce...I think I may be starting to rub off on you...” He smiled over at Bruce, and for a moment it seemed like it used to be. Maybe even better.

Bruce cleared his throat nervously, realising he was still holding John’s hand, and released it, standing as if he were merely stretching. He needed to change the subject, before he could back out. “John,” He was finding it really hard to look him in the eyes now, and knew undoubtedly that John would notice his strange behaviour.

“That’s my name.” John said lightly. Bruce spun on his heel to face the green haired man once more. “But it isn’t really, is it?” John blinked innocently. “No, I uh...guess I forgot.”

Bruce sighed again, running a hand through his hair anxiously.

“Look I- we need to talk about that night.” To his surprise, John nodded in agreement.

“I know...I was kinda just hoping you wouldn’t mention it, though.” He sheepishly added, placing a hand behind his back. “A lot of things were said and done, but we can just start over and pretend none of it ever ha-” He stared up at Bruce, who stood in front of him with folded arms and an eyebrow raised. “Can’t hurt a guy for trying, Brucie!”

Bruce smiled briefly, before drawing in a nervous breath. “I think this will work best if I just talk for a moment with no interruptions, okay?” John nodded, sitting up attentively, hugging something close to his chest. Bruce had to do a double take to realise it was a small handmade doll of...himself?

Bruce shook his head. That wasn’t important right now. “Okay...that night you...you said you wanted to be...uhh...” neither of the men were quite looking each other in the eye now. They knew where this was going. “...you wanted to be loved by me...” he forced the words out, feeling as if he was back in school having to give a formal speech to his teacher again. He hastened a look at John, who stared back at him wordlessly. He was biting his bottom lip, as if he was trying to not burst out in denial. Bruce sort of wished he would. Denial was a lot easier than this. “But the thing is...I, err...” John’s eyes widened now, his head tilting in morbid curiosity. “You…?” He uttered so softly Bruce wasn’t even sure he heard it. Bruce closed his eyes, unable to say exactly what was on his mind, when suddenly… I don’t have to say it! He thought, and began hastily unbuckling his belt.

If John’s eyes could have widened further, they would have. “Uhh, Bruce…?” He stared on simultaneously confused yet excited, he had to admit.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Bruce mumbled bashfully, finally loosening his belt enough that he could feel his pants giving enough slack for what he needed. He placed his thumb at his belt loop near his right hip, and his left hand at the bottom of his shirt, pulling both just enough apart that his hip showed. John squinted, leaning forward off the edge of his bed, before he finally saw it. Only slightly darker than his actual skin tone, read the first words John had ever spoken to Bruce. John blinked, before lunging off his bed at right at Bruce’s hip for a closer inspection. Bruce swallowed nervously at the placement they were in. It would not look good to any orderlies checking in on them to find them like this.

“Buddy, aww buddy...are you okay?” John read softly aloud...and then again, only a little louder. Before he finally leapt up with a loud, joyous laugh. One that sounded so differently from all the others. It wasn’t manic, or eerie. It was purely...bliss. He gripped Bruce’s shoulders, shaking him fervently. “That-that’s ME! Do you know what this means, Bruce?!” Bruce didn’t get to respond as John jumped excitedly, “It means I was RIGHT! Everyone in Arkham thought I was crazy! And Harley, she had me convinced that it couldn’t possibly be you, that it had to be a mistake! She said there was no WAY someone like you….OH!” He bit his lip between giggles, clenching his fists with excitement. “Hey Brucie, you ever wondered why I always keep this sleeve down?” He pointed to his right arm. “Betcha thought I just had weird fashion sense. HA!” Without warning, John yanked his sleeve up, and there, from the length of his wrist to the end of his forearm, clear as day against his milky white skin said, “Who are you?” Bruce read aloud. He now understood John’s compelling need to reread it over and over, as he began to do the same. “Who are you...that’s really it. I-I can’t believe it...” Bruce moved over to the bed, sitting down, awestruck. It had been an entire year since he had first met his soulmate, and yet it was only now he had really confirmed it was so. And boy, did it feel…

“This is amazing!” John exclaimed, finally pulling Bruce into the biggest hug he had ever done to him.

“It really is, isn’t it?” Bruce let out a small laugh, before pulling John back in a tight embrace. His nerves about all his feelings...they all seemed so stupid now. And there was no more need to try hide them, either.

The two men held each other for what felt like hours, before Bruce finally released John, only to do up his belt out of pure worry of someone walking in on them like that.

“Holy smokes.” John laughed, falling against the metal headrest of his bed. “I can’t believe it. I had thought maybe mine was a glitch, ya know? Or maybe it was only on my side...but...no...you’re my...we’re...” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “Soulmates!” He giggled like a schoolgirl, covering his mouth to muffle his laughter. Bruce had never wanted to kiss him more, and it felt great being able to admit that to himself.

“I know...it’s...a lot, to take in,” Bruce smiled, “I wish I had told you sooner. Maybe then all of this could have been avoided...if you had known-”

“Bruce.” John interrupted. “It’s about time I...take responsibility for my own actions. What I did wasn’t your fault. It’s on me...” He stared around his cell, “I have been in here almost my entire life...that’s obviously for a reason...maybe this is just where I am meant to be.” He sighed defeatedly.

“That’s bull, John.” Bruce raised an eyebrow, gaining the courage to place his hands on John’s, “Because we both know now that there is only one place you belong.” John smiled sweetly back at Bruce, closing his hands in Bruce’s.

“That’s with you, right?” He smiled a nervous, crooked grin at Bruce, who smirked back.

“Bingo.”

Bruce couldn’t tell who went in first. And to be honest, he didn’t care. All he knew, was that in a flash, his lips had met John’s, and his heart was racing faster than it ever had before. His chest was tight and he was kissing John with everything he had. Neither of them were trying to take it slow, it was long past that. John kissed Bruce as though he was trying to savour every last bit of the kiss, in case it never happened again. As though they were fighting for each other’s souls. Because in a way, they were. Bruce’s tongue gently tickled John’s lips, who let out a small laugh in response. As John’s lips parted, Bruce slipped his tongue into his mouth, unable to get enough of him. John moaned into the kiss, his hands moving to grip Bruce’s hair, tugging slightly harder than necessary. Now it was Bruce’s turn to moan, before hitching John’s hips up closer to his, then laying him down on the bed. It was small, and could hardly the two of them on it, but neither cared. John broke the kiss briefly for air, and Bruce began kissing softly down his neck, nibbling at John’s earlobe carefully. He could feel his pants tightening from the excitement, and was only just resisting the urge to grind his crotch into John’s.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” John breathed airlessly, moving his lips up so that he could return the favour by planting kisses on Bruce’s neck. In one, swift move, John clamped his teeth down just a little too hard on Bruce’s neck, simultaneously managing to flip them both over so he was now on top. Bruce had to admit, he was a little impressed. John’s moved down Bruce’s neck, almost mimicking what he’d done to him, only as he reached that sweet spot between Bruce’s neck and shoulder, he clamped his teeth down hard and began sucking, his tongue moving in circles over the spot as he did. “Leaving your mark?” Bruce smirked.

John let up only for a moment to reply, “Figured I should leave one everyone can see.”

Bruce was more than ready to continue, but was caught off-guard when John sat back up. He was positioned with his legs on either side of Bruce, sitting right on his crotch. Bruce could feel his cheeks flushing as a look of recognition spread across John’s face. “That a batarang in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” He giggled lightly, enjoying as Bruce scrunched up his face in embarrassment.

“Umm, but Brucie...is it...is it okay if that is enough for today?”

Bruce pushed himself up on his elbows, seeing John sitting there shyly twisting his finger with his other hand.

“Oh-Of course, John.” John smiled weakly at him, and moved to the edge of the bed, allowing Bruce to sit up beside him.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that...well...” John looked away from him, “I’ve never really...you know...and I uh….kinda want that to be special. Maybe one day when I’m out of here…?” He turned expectantly to Bruce, who placed an arm over John’s shoulders.

“For the record, you didn’t have to explain your reasons to me...but of course. I think that’s a good idea. We shouldn’t rush things.” Bruce squeezed John’s arm comfortingly with a warm smile, which he returned.

“Yeah...we have our whole lives now.” John sighed to himself contentedly.

“Huh, I hadn’t even thought about that...yeah, we do.” Bruce smiled, feeling his heart leap back into his throat as John nuzzled into his side.

“Jay.” John said, his eyes closed, and a serene expression on his face.

“What?” Bruce asked, glancing down at John.

“You wanted to know my real name...it’s Jay.”

Bruce smiled to himself, lightly brushing some green flyaway hairs out of John’s-no, Jay’s face. He planted a small kiss on his forehead. “Jay and Bruce...I like the sound of that.”

#juce #batjokes #soulmate au #batjokes soulmate au #juce soulmate au #whistlewhileiblogit #sorry it is so long #forgive me #telltale batjokes #telltale batman #telltale john doe #the enemy within #bruce wayne #I know S3 will come and destroy my idea but I want this to be what happens lmao

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if-only-we-could-read-it · 6 years

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( @ava-burton-writing you mentioned wanting to know more about my oc’s, so I hope you don’t mind me tagging you in this!)

It’s occurred to me (or, rather, it did occur to me, twelve days ago, when I started writing this post) that aside from a few responses to asks, I haven’t actually explained what prov is, or who anyone in it is. Which, considering I’m a writblr, and I made this blog to talk about my wips and oc’s, literally makes no sense. So here’s a post on Prov:

What is Prov?

‘Prov’, short for ‘The Provect Gene’, is my current (main) wip. It’s a YA sci-fi set in a ‘post-dystopian’ society with a (large) ensemble cast.

It’s ‘history’: It’s been building in the back of my brain for so long I can’t actually remember when I first came up with the idea. I do remember making a wattpad and debating uploading it, but instead using the account to read other people’s works and to make notes and write extracts for other works I had planned (including fanfiction). Eventually, some of my friends discovered and decided to write their own books, so I decided to write Prov at the same time. Initially, it was called Psykes, short for Psysimalae (or something like that), for some reason, was written in first person despite being a multipov book, and a lot of the characters were clearly my attempt at just inserting my friends into the book (I didn’t even… change their names…) instead of the half fleshed characters I wanted. It as nothing like what I envisioned and was so badly planned and written that I literally gave up. I tried several times to come back to it and couldn’t because the quality of writing was so poor and there was so many inconsistencies in the story. Considering I could write pretty well at that time, the only thing I could think of is that my desire to get the book written fast/at the same pace as my friends overruled my ability to write. Eventually, after years of continuing to write the story in my mind, I came back to it and started to write it properly.

Summary (that started off ridiculous and somehow got serious at the end): Once upon a time, there was a very rich, very smart, but not particularly nice, man named Cyrus. After years of theorising and making calculations, he came to the conclusion he could create a superpowered race of people for an army. Because he was the kind of person who wants to make superpowered armies. Through coercion, manipulation, lying, the occasional murder and other generally unethical means, he brought the people he wanted to experiment on into his labs and began testing. The only problem was that these people were teenagers, and teenagers are in that in between stage where they’re full of rebelliousness and ‘fight the system’ urges, and didn’t appreciate being locked up and prodded with needles. Eventually one of them who’d figured out he had powers used them to blow up a large portion of the lab, killing some people but freeing many others. The main problem – or, in Cyrus’ case, consolation – was that most of them had not learnt about their powers in the lab, and therefore didn’t know they existed. This made it easier for Cyrus to recapture them. He also managed to spread the word that they were ‘dangerous individuals’, which, in a world that’s fueled by paranoia, has a major impact. So now the police and government are after them too, which isn’t good for them.

The book starts approximately one year after these events, when three small groups of the experiments are forced together, only to discover they have powers. Tired of always hiding and running, they decide it’s time they tried to put a stop to Cyrus and his experiments, and convince everyone that they’re not dangerous. This, along with them trying to figure out their powers, and trying to avoid simply getting caught and thrown back into the tests, make life very hard for them. Along the way, they discover more people like them, and more factors than they ever could have imagined, including corruption that goes far beyond what they thought. Loyalties are questioned, families are torn apart and sanity balances on the edge of a knife. After all, what’s the point of morals if only you stick to them?

Characters

Mains:

Isabelle: Has the power to manipulate light. The literal mother of the group, makes sure everyone eats and sleeps and doesn’t get themselves killed. Knows everybody’s secrets but nobody knows hers. Very sarcastic. Just wants to sleep. Original squad.

Damian*: Can manipulate electricity. Isabelle’s (slightly) younger brother. Kind of an asshole but it’s not intentional. Actually tries to be nice he’s just not used to other people (or their feelings). Very smart. Basically the tactician. Original squad.

Barry: Psychic. Drinks way too much coffee, he’s probably at least 85% caffeine at this point. Hyperactive. Basically the child of the group. Was sick before being taken by Cyptem and missed a lot of schooling. References TV shows a lot. Original squad.

Calypso: Can manipulate water. Very into fashion. Is willing to die for the aesthetic. Seems like the kind of person who in any other situation would have her life together. Isn’t going to let a small thing like people wanting to kill her hold her back. Original squad.

Will: Astral projection. The medic of the group. Wanted to be a doctor. Tries his best. Frequently questions how moral it is to hoard medicinal drugs. The most reasonable of the group. Done with everything. Original squad.

Leo: Can manipulate molecules to cause them to freeze or ignite. Makes a lot of bad jokes. Scared most of the time, but would do anything for his friends. Acts like he knows what’s going on but literally never does. Going through an internal identity crisis. Original squad.

Pyra: Can manipulate her own molecular structure (basically, shapeshift). Smol but could kill you. Took about a million self-defense and fighting lessons. Always ready to fight. Tough exterior, slightly sweeter interior. Original squad.

Beth**: Relationship detection and empathy. Definitely hates you. Virtually unreadable. Good at manipulating people and situations. Thinks she’s the strategist of the team. Pessimistic. Usually right. Smart. Original squad.

Lara: Can teleport. Badass. Basically saves everyone multiple times. Probably better than you at everything. Slightly paranoid. Would kill a man. Acts like she doesn’t like you but secretly would probably die for you. Doesn’t need a squad.

Chris: Telepath and telekinetic. Lived in a cave for like a year. Tries to be skeptical of people to protect himself but can’t resist helping everyone he meets. Uses obscure plants to treat injuries and illnesses. Book two squad.

Matt: Molecular immobilisation. Strong. Good at fighting. Pretends to be quiet and grumpy but is actually a sweet heart. Could crush a rock with his hands. Likes hand-to-hand combat. Finds it funny that people are uncomfortable around him. Book two squad.

Seth: Molecular combustion. Matt’s twin. Not as strong as his brother. Very concerned about Matt’s tendency to get into fights. More prone to panicking in situations. The guy who tries to lean on the wall and act cool only to fall through an open doorway. Book two squad.

Meg: Pain manipulation. Really a nice person but is being manipulated. Starts off hating everyone she meets but warms up to them quickly. Spends a lot of time being used. Doesn’t need anyone else. Technically book two squad, but also doesn’t need a squad.

Cyrus: Can manipulate shadows/darkness. The villain. Spent years trying to prove that superpowers were possible. Loose morals. A good actor. Could probably be a politician with all the lies he makes people believe.

Wyatt: Shield manipulation. Literally a child. Was put through a lot before he was rescued from Cyptem. Is basically adopted by Isabelle. Generally distrustful of people, but very protective of the people he cares about.

Sides

Melody: Sound manipulation. 100% done. Not as mean as she initially seems. Doesn’t like people trying to control her. Would probably become a politician if she didn’t hate the government so much.

Alex: None. Is an intern at Cyptem who discovered what was going on. Is willing to help everyone even though they seem crazy. Has no idea what’s going on most of the time. Spends a lot of his time eyerolling.

Paige: Heat manipulation. Isabelle and Damian’s older sister. Has done very questionable things but is still a good person. Cares about her siblings, but doesn’t show it well. Inadvertently causes drama.

Renee: Illusion manipulation. Also a child. Spends more time in Cyptem than Wyatt. Likes to draw. Hard to explain without spoilers.

Amara: Fear manipulation. Cyrus’s right-hand women. Cold blooded. Willing to apply whatever force is necessary to get the job done – and in this case that involves helping get the kids back in and figure out how to make them more compliant.

*The spelling of Damian has been a bit iffy through the years. When I initially wrote Prov, my friends asked if I’d spelled it wrong, and implied it wasn’t meant to be spelled the way it should. eventually, I changed the spelling, but I kept getting muddled up between the two. Then I went, ‘screw it, my character, my spelling’ - except I’d forgotten which was the original spelling. So for a while I just alternated between the two before settling on ‘Damian’.

**Beth’s name has been subject to repeated change. Initially she was called Beth after someone I knew, and didn’t like, but who was part of my friendship group so I felt obliged to include. When I rewrote it, I changed her name along with everyone else’s, and she became Ellie. Except ‘Beth’ always fit her more so I eventually changed it back, before realising that meant I have a ‘Beth’ and a ‘Seth’ - who also have quite a lot of interaction, which is very important to the plot. I put my foot down at changing Seth’s name, so chances are, Beth is going to become Ellie, or some other not-Beth name.

Tags: Prov tag, Isabelle, Damian/also-Damian, Barry, Calypso, Will, Leo, Pyra, Beth, Lara, Chris, Seth, and Matt. (Some characters have a lot more information in their tags than others, because I’m inconsistent with tagging. Which is going to change from this post on. Meg, Cyrus, Wyatt and the side characters do not yet have tags.)

So, there, finally: my wip and its characters laid out. So now when I talk about it, people will actually know what I’m talking about.

#prov tag #Isabelle #beth #damian #leo #calypso #will #barry #pyra #lara #chris #matt #seth #writing #my writing #my wip #writblr

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maddiicake · 4 years

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A Decade in Review

I actually wrote this at the beginning of the New Year--and, technically, New Deacade--, but I figured I’d also have it here for those who follow me on Tumblr and not on DeviantART

So, heads up, this is going to be a super long post, so I will put the extent of everything under “Read More” below, if you’d like to continue.

Thanks for your time

A Decade In Review

Well, the more I think about it... the title should be: "The deterioration of an individual through their slow painful spiral into the fiery pit of failure". Anyway... I don't really do the "Art Progress" meme things that people make for New Years Eve/Day, mainly because, for me, there wouldn't be a point. For other artists, yes, I'm sure it helps very much to show where they started off and where they are now. (Though, I did make this one way back in the day, but haven't made any since then). But, for someone like me, whose had a stagnant art quality for half of this decade now, all the pieces I would put together would just look exactly the same quality-wise xD So, I just like to take the time and write out everything together in a Journal. All in one go; no drafting or edits (unless, of course, there's grammatical errors that I spot after posting). I don't have any Resolutions for this upcoming year, especially since I didn't complete any of my resolutions from last year (except for the "save your money" one). But, very rarely do people follow through with their Resolutions--and, of course, it's awesome when they do. But, since a decade has passed... and since I've been a figure on the internet for a decade now, I'd just like to take the time and reflect on everything that has occurred since 2010:

2010

I actually wouldn't exist on DeviantART for another year (and wouldn’t be on Tumblr for another year after that). However, I got my start on Ye Ole FanFiction.Net. Yes, I was a writer before I was an artist. In fact, even before our home was wired with the internet (which was around 2008/2009), I would do nothing but stay up late and write. Before I got my first computer, I would have tons of notebooks with nothing but fan-fictions written in them. And, after getting my computer, I would transfer those written works to be a little more polished in a Word Document; and, from there, I would continue on with the story I was working on. You don't have to worry about killing trees when everything is on a file xD Of course, dumb little me didn't think to separate each chapter into different Documents. So, now there is a 800+ page document still on my computer of a "saga" of a Pokemon Mary Sue. That story was never posted, and will never see the light of day, unless, of course, I hit some special Milestone (probably a YouTube Subscriber because me going through it could only properly be done in video format--with my commentary and cringe over top of course xD). But, you know what was posted? My Ouran Host Club fan-fiction: "Fitting In". Still in that "Mary-Sue"-ish OC, phase, but I wanted to make this character more interesting and believable. So, with my anime crush, Kyoya, paired up with my Ouran OC, I set out to form my story. Completely unbeknownst to my parents, because they (specifically Mom--go figure) frowned upon me just reading fan-fictions. Because, in my mother's own words: "It's other people's fantasies". (Looking back on that now, her reason makes absolutely no sense). But, I enjoyed writing and enjoyed the series. So, after my parents had fallen asleep, I would write a chapter through the night and then posted it. Somehow, after a few chapters... my story got pretty big: tons of faves, followers and reviews--it was insane! Here I was, just being a geek, like everyone else, and enjoying the fandom. And yet, for the first time in my life... I felt what it was like to be truly supported. It wasn't support for something I didn't have interest in or was coaxed into doing (like with my parents). This was something that I enjoyed, even if it was just for fun. And people actually liked it. They actually supported me for what I liked. From there, it just continued to help me press on and keep moving forward. So, while balancing out my last year and a half of high school, I challenged myself to upload a chapter every week. And, I succeeded. I remember one Review from a user that said: "I literally got home from school and rushed over to my computer, because I knew there would be a new chapter!" Little did they all know that I actually would write the chapter all in one sitting. Yep, pulled an all-nighter the day before just to write out the chapter and then post it. I eventually did tell my parents. This was after my story had gotten a pretty good amount of following and faves to be considered--in the Fanfiction.net society--a Fanfiction worth the time to read. Dad was actually really happy and proud, even going to tell my mother about it just to "show me off". It felt nice to have his support--awkward, yes, but still nice. Mom, of course, didn't care; not that I was surprised in the slightest. But, even if I had one parent's support, the whole mass of support for individuals over the internet was able to compensate for the lack of support I received from my maternal unit.

2011:

Still writing early into the following year. I had attended my first anime convention at the beginning. mostly because J. Michael Tatum--the English voice for Kyoya--was a guest, but also other Ouran English DUB actors, including Vic Mignogna. While I was aware he played Tamaki, it wasn't until I sat in on one of his panels that I realized how popular he was among the anime community. He got many questions regarding this series called Fullmetal Alchemist. Because of how everyone seemed to know of this series (except me, of course), that was the first thing I would look into after crashing at home at the end of that weekend. Like with everyone starting out, the search results provided me with the original Fullmetal Alchemist series from 2003, so I started with that. Needless to say... it was definitely a 180 turn from Ouran, with how dark and depressing that it seemed. By the time I got to the episode with Lab 5, I didn't watch another episode for months. Long story short: Chimera!Tucker scared the absolute sh*t out of me--didn't help that I was watching the episode at night either. Parallel to those months, however... I was writing my newest Fan-Fiction, "Fire and Ice". Completely taken full interest in the Fullmetal Alchemist series, I created my newest OC, Danielle. Now, I made the mistake of jumping the gun with her creation as well as her story. Because I was still very very new to the series, and didn’t quite get a grasp on the canon character's personalities to be able to portray them In-Character well enough. Not to mention that I didn't quite understand the "Rules" of the FMA universe when it comes to creating an OC. But that's where DeviantART comes in. I made an account in the fall of that year and would post every so often. I used dA more as a secondary account just for the more visual references of my stories. So, in other words, I was promoting my main account (FF.net) by broadening expanding myself to other sites. dA being more visually oriented for creators, while FF.net was more for the story/world-building end. So, with two accounts on opposite spectrums of one another, I continued to create my stories and characters. Of course, Fullmetal Alchemist was a very popular fandom, and with the Brotherhood series being new, the fandom was more hyped up than ever. I kept to myself mostly, because I was more on FF.net than dA. However, after a while, I wanted to interact with the audience I had gained from being on dA. So, I would draw my characters and scenes from my story more often. Granted, I didn't have a tablet at the time, and would scan my sketchbook drawings in to post them. I would even try to go the extra mile to scan them in and re-purpose them digitally with GIMP (the only program I had at the time); again, though, no tablet, just a mouse. I started talking with other newbie artists and writers in the fandom, and we all started to become really good friends. The majority of us, of course (even myself at the time), looked up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy". Not naming names, but I'm sure a lot of you know the individuals I'm talking about. Inspired by their own detailed digital works, my fan-fiction was put on a hold as I began to become engrossed in drawing.

2012:

The year that marks my actual start as an artist here on dA. Or, if you want my actual take on it: The year that marks the beginning of my "downward spiral into the pit of no return or reformation". At the beginning of the year, I had purchased my tablet with my own money: A WACOM Bamboo Connect. In fact, it's the same tablet I use to this day, even though I have downsized to a much smaller version. Because my mindset at the time (and, to this day, still is): "You can have the most expensive equipment, but it's the artist themselves that makes the quality of the work." From there, along with a pirated version of Easy Paint Tool SAI, I was ready to take the next step into improving myself as an artist. (If anyone is curious... THIS was the first thing that I drew with my tablet). But, despite all that.. 2012 was rough. I picked A LOT of fights, even having the audacity to stand up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy" when there was a fight between the FMA OC groups. I saw their leader and the rest of them for who they truly were. Individuals, who still to this day (based on what I've seen from the 2nd-in-Command), that put on an act to make themselves appealing, welcoming, and "friendly" to their audience, while they're actually nothing more than self-entitled individuals who get upset because someone so dares to not like the pairing between their figment of their imagination and a fictional character. And that's when I vowed: "I will knock [her] off her throne." This said in regards to the leader of the Matriarchy. Because people, who are looked up to, shouldn’t be behaving in that sort of way! They shouldn't be acting like their word is law and whoever goes against them or disagrees with them should get their head chopped off, metaphorically speaking. Outside of the internet, they're nobodies. They don't have power over anyone when they're no longer hidden behind a keyboard and screen. The number on their profile is just that--just a number. It doesn't mean anything. And, in my mind, they all needed to be taken down a peg and realize that OCs, art, fandoms--whatever--should NOT be taken so seriously! We were all here to enjoy the same thing as them, and they had no right to treat themselves like they were queens, who governed what went on in the fandom. Of course, being a petty teenager... I did (and even drew) some things that I shouldn't have (i.e. making a satire of the Matriarchy as "Mean Girls" at the lunch table). And, I didn't really explain myself to anyone when said: "I'll knock [her] off her throne." I wasn't (and still am not) very good at explaining myself or feeling (or even understanding other's feelings and social cues). All in all that entire year was a roller coaster with on and off fights between myself and the Matriarchy--namely their leader. By the end of it all, I just wanted to quit and give up drawing all together. All I could think about was "There's no way I'll be able to surpass them and knock them off their thrones..." I always have, and still do, believe that I'm not one to be worshiped or put on a pedestal. I make it a habit to tell others that when they gush over me or my art: "I'm just a geek like you ^u^ There's no difference between us." Because I don't want to be treated the same way the Matriarchy was/is treated. I don't want to be seen like them at all, because I was nothing like them. I didn't take things seriously, I didn't treat others like they were lower than dirt to me--I wasn't an "Art Thot". I wanted to be the person that could actually BE A PERSON to my audience; not some high-and-mighty white-tower dwelling jerk like the Matriarchy. But, yet, there I was... dragging out the last of the year; trying to figure out how to not be like any of them, when it seemed like the only way to take them down a peg was to be like them. At least, to be able to surpass them. My mental state took a drastic turn for the worst as I began to become obsessed with these girls. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't stand my friends talking to them (and I still can’t), because I felt like they had no idea what the Matriarchy was like--the way I knew them to truly be. I would constantly tear apart my art and look on it with disgust, because all I could see was just a big comparison between my work and theirs. I wanted to give up. "There's no way I'll pass them". I wanted to show everyone else so badly that there's someone out there that they could truly look up too. Not just as an inspiration for art, but as someone who actually cares about them and others. The days were so bleak, hopeless, endless... ending it all would have been too easy, and giving up seemed too cowardly. I was stuck. ...But, then I met AAV-sama. I had never seen them before at all. They weren't a watcher, didn't fave my works, didn't comment--nothing! It was just an out-of-the-blue comment on my profile: "Hey, wanna RP?" Now... I hadn't RPed on dA for a long while since then. But, I figured that getting back into writing would help take my mind off of everything art-related. So, we talked over what to RP, and they sent the starter. Little did I know that the beginning of that RP would be the start of something amazing.

2013:

The start of my last year in high school (graduated that spring), and would start my first year of Community College for an Art degree. I knew what I wanted to do with my life going from there. It's just, when you have little to no support system in real life, it's very very difficult to get on your feet from there and keep moving forward. Meanwhile, in the world here on DeviantART, I was still drawing little things here and there; working more on improving my ability to draw backgrounds as well as composition. I would still only post occasionally--about once a month or so--, because I was completely engulfed in the world of writing in the Notes section of dA. :devaav-sama: and I were still acquaintances and nothing more than RP Partners at the time. But, she would often share what was going on in her personal life, and, eventually, I would open up as well. From there, our acquaintanceship took a turn into friendship. She helped me find inspiration and creativity, and helped me remind myself of the love for the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom. And that would come the start of our little passion project: The Mustang Conspiracy. New OCs were made and had their own story in Next Gen of the FMA03/Shamballa universe. All the while, AAV, and I became closer and closer while excitedly gushing over scenes we made and even episodes and characters in the FMA series itself. A year after we started creating out series, I created the first picture of our own "Golden Trio". And, with the creation of these new OCs, I met other individuals, who I would become friends with. With these new friends, we all cooed and gushed over our OCs, and even made AUs of our OCs interacting with one another. Like with my Ouran story, I once again felt that love and support--support I knew I would never be able to have outside of the internet (parents/mother). I didn't (still don't) have any friends outside of the internet, so I would often have a tendency to be possessive or overprotective of my friends here online. I liked the feeling of being loved and having friends, and I didn't want it to go away. ...But, ultimately, it did.

2014:

Like with the other years, this was no different of a roller coaster. In the real world, I was passing with 90s and A's in my classes. Of course, Mom's response to my Math final grade, which was a 92%, was a big: "You can do better". (Mother, we're not an Asian family, could you PLEASE let up on the high standards...? -___- ). Anyway... Like always, I found my escape from my toxic family life to the love and support from people who liked me for who I was online. Of course... There were the same emotional disputes between I and the Matriarchy, mostly brought up because I couldn't stand to see my friends interacting with them. What took me by surprise and baffled me the most is that one of my friends became friends (and still is to this day) with the Matriarchy's "2nd in Command". My friend's art was less to be desired, and was far from being among the ranks of the Matriarchy because of it. So, needless to say, I couldn't wrap my head around the reason why the Matriarchy would allow someone like her to be friends with them when they were out of her league art-wise. The Matriarchy didn't ever do that. it was just them, and if you're not in their league, then you're not one of them. There was only one logical conclusion to all of this... They were taking my friends by lulling them into a false sense of security and making them their "friends" just so that they could turn my friends against me. Ultimately, planning to leave me in abandonment and cutting off my support system online so that I would be left with nothing. My friends didn't know them the way I did. I KNEW those people weren't to be trusted, they never were, but I didn't want to make my friends up-happy. Yeah, I can be possessive because of my over-protectiveness for my friends, but... I didn't want to be the one to make them feel upset. So, I kept to myself the majority of the time and bottled it in. And we all know what happens when you bottle things in.... you become a ticking time bomb until you eventually explode, even on the smallest of things. Sometimes, like how it was with me, the bouts of intense anger were in scattered spurts. Now, many of you may remember the time over the summer of the Ferguson shooting, which lasted until the end of the year. Being raised by an extremist (mostly the maternal side) Conservative/Republicans, my family, of course sided with the Cop. Me, not wanting to be kicked out on the streets, I did what I always did when politics came up in my family--which is 90% of the time. I agreed with them and let it absorb me to the point that I had to be like that and think that way to appease them. Clearly, the internet didn't seem to agree, and I was called a "racist" and all but one friend left. She wouldn't last long, but I cherished the fleeting moments we had together. Meanwhile, I continued to draw FanART, OCs, and such for the rest of the year, as well as continue working on The Mustang Conspiracy.

2015:

AAV was all I had during this year. Our friendship had grown to the point that I couldn't imagine a day where I don't talk to her. We had gotten to the stage where we exchanged personal contact info, and have messaged each other little "Good Morning" messages every since day since then. She was my everything. She made me feel like I was everything. If I didn't have her, I probably would find the nearest overpass to jump off of, or work on finding a good sturdy tree in the middle of the woods to tie a noose to. All in all, life wasn't worth living anymore without her. After everyone else had left, she became my one and only, and... it got to the points where I would unhealthily obsess over our friendship because of the constant fear of abandonment nagging the back of my head every single day. Even while working on our story, we took the time to set up a separate Note just for a "Creative Workshop" to further build our characters and make them more well-rounded. Now, during one of my "bleak" moments, I recall the very first time I came across the a certain Community on YouTube (not naming what kind, because I would like to keep myself and my family safe). No joke, I had searched "terrible people on DeviantART", not because I want to find other people deemed "terrible" just to laugh at, but because I was feeling like I was the terrible one. The Community was still in it's early days with only a few channels that would talk about pedos and bullies on the internet--though most of the videos at the time were just talking about pedos. Seeing those videos and watching these users deliver calm and collected speeches about users committing crimes towards children on DeviatnART, among others just laughing at lol-cows doing dumb things, it gave me a light of confidence and inspiration. They handled themselves so well, and were well respected within the Community. So, I made my first videos--not the best, just screenshots of anime characters used as expressions set to my voice reading from a script along with music, all thrown together and edited on Windows Movie Maker. Like how I got big trying something new to a new audience the last few times... this was no different. Except, well, I didn't really feel the love and support as much. However, I did start to realize that the majority of my audience really enjoyed my jokes and the way I handled situations. And, it made me reflect to the days where I would do theater. Being on stage and performing for an audience, making them laugh or impacting their lives just because a character I played happen to inspire them... it was the best feeling in the world. Up there in front of hundreds of eyes watching you, and entertaining them... it's the greatest feeling in the world. Performing was my life, it was (and still is) where my heart is and what makes me truly happy. So, while I couldn't do theater as often, making YouTube videos was close enough, and I could work on those and post them at any time; not having to worry abut a weekend-only schedule or any other time constraints. So, I started small by making jokes about bratty teenagers stirring up trouble on DeviantART, and even clicked with some of the minor channels; doing some collaboration videos with them as well. Of course, there was a group on YouTube called the YTTrollPolice. In reality, they were just kids stirring up trouble, but they would go far beyond random trolling to DoX threats. I was their first target, and, through the collabs with the others, they went after them. I shut my channel down--the others in the community did as well--, just to avoid the target and threat to our personal safety. Kids or not, we couldn't take any risks. The YYTP kid eventually found me dA and stalked me there, even after his account was banned. Taking my mind off of everything, I went back to drawing and interacting with AAV. Then... I met another user in the FMA fandom. It was a rarity these days, especially since the FMA fandom was slowly starting to die out (mostly because of me, since I was the one who made everyone--including the FMA OC Matriarchy--leave the fandom, never to return again). While I was still hesitant, as well as having those "abandonment fears", I decided "What the heck? It could just be a one-time conversation." Well... it wasn't a one-time conversation. We started talking and chatting on and off from there, and even became friends. I did my best to encourage her, because, well, I was just like her starting out. And, with practice and effort, she'd be flying on her own. Seeing every new piece she made--a HUGE improvement in such a short amount of time--, I felt what I believed to be pride. Not the selfish kind. No, I was proud of her. She looked up to the Matriarchy just like I once did. But... instead of saying anything against them around her, I encouraged her. I made sure that she didn't follow the same path that I did. And, one day, she sends me this excitement-filled note about how the Matriarchy's 2nd-in-Command +watched her and they started getting close. She had done it, and with my recommendations, she became friends with my former friends. Because despite what had happened, they were good people (or so I thought until 2016). Not only that... she also gave me hope. By giving me the name "Saki", she helped me find hope that I could turn around and become better. And, with that hope, we became closer and our friendship grew from there. Of course, with that fear of abandonment still at the back of my mind, I enjoyed our friendship for as long as the amount of time the bomb had on it. Because, at that point, my mind always saw all friendships that way--they were all the same and ended the same. So, it was best to enjoy the present until the inevitable moment when that bomb would go off. Near the end of the year, I received a Note on dA from a user I had never met, seen, or interacted with before. They and their friend had a Joined-channel that talked about brats on DeviantART and made fun of them. This user said that I was one of the ones, who inspired them to get in to the community. I let them know about the situation and why I left; they understood, but we started to chat, and they welcomed me into their group of friends. (For the sake of continuity through this journal, we'll call them "The Group"--Again, keeping it vague for my and my family's safety). We would just have fun chatting, geeking-out, and having streams reading bad fanfictions. During one of those streams, I got a message from a user, who was helping me with updates from the YTTP. According to them, the kid that made the DoX threats and stalked me and the other old users form the Community had the real police called to their house, and they ceased all intent with their "Troll Police" habits. And, like I said in that stream: "Now that they're gone, I think I'm going to start making videos again."

2016:

The beginning marked the year of when the story of The Mustang Conspiracy was put on a hiatus. I had finished Community College with an Associates in Arts and was working on where to go from there, and AAV was in the process of going back to school for her own degree. So, with personal life taking up a bit more of our time, we put the story on the shelf; however, we still worked in our "Creative Workshop" for our characters, for when they would eventually come back. Aside from that, I was working on starting up again on YouTube. I had made two accounts this time: one for my Art/Speedpaints, and the other strictly for "those videos". Posting my drawings, as well as the quality of my art, was an an all-time low; and it would be that way for another year and a half. Had I known that becoming absorbed in the Community at the time would take a huge strike to your art, I wouldn't have thought twice about going back. But, I felt like I could be someone within that Community. After every video, I felt just absolutely amazing. It was like everything I had bottled up for years could all come out full force just in one video. People liked me and supported me, that's what mattered the most. Sure, it wasn't the same like and support I used to feel, but it was support regardless, right? It was best not to complain and be happy with what I had. So, from there, I continued on with making videos. Meanwhile, on DeviantART, I decided to open up commissions. I had only done so here and there when people asked about how much I would charge for (X kind of picture) back in 2013. I wanted to make it more like a professional info sheet, since I was nearing the point where I would be seen as a "professional" (quote unquote; because I didn't--still don't--see my art anywhere close to be seen as "professional" ^^; ). But, I digress... I set up my sheet, and some people from The Group even commissioned art from me. Until mid-May when one of my former friends (one of the ones that left in 2014) began going to my commissioners and saying that I "traced" my commissions. How did I find out about this? One of my "friends" form The Group sent me a message asking if I could get in a call, and she laid out what was going on. My "friend" from The Group was also friends with my commissioner, and they (my "friend" from The Group) was in a message with my former friend via Notes. I explained to my "friend" from The Group about the situation from a few year ago, and (during this time) they had my back (note from present me, this was a bad mistake to do. You DO NOT divulge any information like this to people from The Community. This reason will be explained in the later in this section as well as the 2019 section). Of course, what was I to do? I was a small DeviantArtist with an even smaller YouTube following on both channels. But, I had enough of being treated this way and made a video about my former friend and what was going on presently. To my surprise... the video blew up in just a short amount of months. Many of my other friends came out to say that they agreed with me and had disliked this individual's behavior even before this occurrence. Though, had I known about it at the time, I wouldn't have made a video, I would have filed a lawsuit. Because, in terms of legal definitions, what my former friend was doing was a form of Tortious Interference. Of course, that was a term I didn't know about until early 2019, so there was no way for me to know that what my former friend was doing was a liable court of law offense. But, what was done was done. Of course the Matriarchy found out (go figure; they're all connected to each other). But, regardless of what happened to my former friend, I didn't care. At the time, I felt like she deserved it. Little did I know that that unsympathetic callous feelings was just the beginnings of the toxic environment of the Community getting to me. My channel started to get big really quick, and, looking back now, I see that many of The Group were more than likely upset or jealous of this. Because, in August of that year, they were quick to turn on me instead of sit down and talk things out like friends are supposed to do. They quickly dropped me, started spreading rumors, even went so far as to tell my former friend that I was going to make another video on them. I was labeled as "toxic", had hate-art made of me defaming my character, and they even made an alt account to spam my name in the comments and notes of one of their former friend (because "Saki" is such a "mean-sounding word" apparently...). The time bomb had gone off, but, unlike the other times, I wasn't even ready for it. And, up until the end of the year, I was a mixture of mad an upset, going through all sorts of emotions on the spectrum. How stupid I was to not see that I was falling in with the "Wrong Crowd". How I shouldn't have even attempted to restart my channel. How I shouldn't even have grown close to these groups of people. It would all end the same. It always did. Yet... I wasn't ready for it. Now... 2016 is a year that the majority of people despite, mostly for the results of the USA's Presidential election. Personally, I don't care for politics, but there were other things on my mind that day. See, that morning, the very same day as the election results, I had received a call from my doctor about my recent biopsy's results: Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma--Thyroid Cancer. Sure, it's not as serious a cancer like Breast or Brain, but it was cancer nonetheless. So, I was scheduled to have a total thyroid removal at the end of November, and would be put on a super restricting "iodine diet" for the majority of December that would last through the entire holidays. Christmas Dinner was torture; only able to eat a very small selection of things, while watching my family eat such amazing and delicious foods. The following week, I was quarantined in my room because I was completely radioactive. Despite craving that delicious food from Christmas, I felt like I would throw up if I ate just a cracker. My week of quarantine was was literally nauseating, completely miserable, and, above all else, absolutely boring. I could only entertain myself with my phone, because I didn't want to touch anything else--it would just be more to thoroughly clean immediately after use. January 1st Midnight of 2017 was spent in my room listening to my family excitedly cheer "Happy New Year". Needless to say, out of all the years this decade, 2016 was the worst.

2017:

With the residuals of what occurred between The Group and I gradually sputtered to stop, I took the time to stay off the internet a little and focus on my real life. I had to do something with my life. I know what I wanted to do with it. But, the thought of my parents not agreeing with my decision and not being proud of me held me back far too much. Despite having an Associates in Arts and wanting to go in a field that was about The Arts, my parents' (mother's) constant comments of: "Digital Art Degrees are a hit or miss when it comes to getting a job", "You'll never make it out in the Art field", "They're called 'starving artists' for a reason", and then she would proceed to offer ideas for jobs that required either a Science degree or a Medical degree. And... I believed her. Through her constant comments, she had coaxed me to reluctantly work to something she wanted me to be. I mean, she was right: I needed to find a job that would support myself financially, and if getting a Graphic Arts Degree wouldn't do that, then, well, I wasted 4 years of my life in Community College. So, with my mind thinking "Back to Square One", I set out to look for a part-time job. And, in February, I did. It was a short-shift job, but it paid a decent amount to get by for a while. Meanwhile, I paid less time online; only making a few videos for my channel now and then, but also wanting to get my Art/Speedpaint Channel off the ground with videos that are years old (and videos that, to this day, I still have yet to edit and post), as well as posting art when I could (once or twice a month). There wasn't much else that was eventful for the rest of the year; not until a week before Christmas. On our home's doorstep was a package from Amazon that contained an "Adult Coloring Book" titled: Calm the F*ck Down and a pack of Prisma Coloring pencils (which, by the way are not a cheap brand of pencils). Who had sent it, we weren't sure. I know I hadn't ordered it, and I didn't have an Amazon account at the time, so the assumption of it being on my "Wish-list" was out of the question. But, it was a week before Christmas, so it was probably from an out-of-state relative. Little did I know that the individual, who sent it was not either of the two, but someone who I had known, yet hadn't met in real life. And their reasons for sending me the package? Malicious, devious, and text-book level of a psycho. I wouldn't know the identity of said person for another two years. All in all, this year brought new people for me to befriend and meet as well. Of course, after everything that happened, I was very very hesitant to pursue friendships with them. What was the point anyway? They would all end the same. At this point, I had already begun to accept who I was: A narcissistic, selfish, heartless, backstabbing, toxic, indifferent annoyance, harassing, ungrateful, apathetic, hurtful, manipulative, bullying, dramatic, sensitive, arrogant, petty, spiteful, over dramatic, drama whore, lying, shady, sociopathic bitch. People don’t change. I can't change no matter what. But, that’s okay. I’ve come to accept it. And I'll keep doing my best to protect everyone else that I care about—those very VERY small few that are left. The more I can protect from getting close and affected by the monster, the better. Nobody in this world deserves more of that. I tossed those Placebo-Effect pills away, so I could stop lying to myself once and for all that "I changed" and "I'm a better person now". There was no way that, after all that happened, that was true. There's no point in denying it or hiding anymore. I am who I am. I don't like it, but that's just the way things are, and I will forever be that person--No. I'm not even human after all that I've done. I'm a monster, and I'll be that way forever. My Cancer wasn't able to get rid of everyone else's suffering--suffering by the fact that I exist--, and I wouldn't be able to give them that release and make things right once and for all.

2018:

At the cusp of this year around January-February, I had noticed that the friend in the FMA fandom (the one who had given me my new name as well as hope to become better), hadn't been interacting with much as she used to. I found it strange, and I didn't want to assume anything, so I messaged her via Tumblr and asked if I did anything to upset her. Because, after the knee-jerk reactions of the Community, I had come to prefer talking things out with an individual and fix problems in a civil manner. Well, we did talk things out in a civil manner. But, long story short, she didn't want to be friends with my anymore. Her reason: Because she didn't want me to make a Video about her. Where did she come up with that reason? I never made any mention of it to her, and the only reason why I made the videos on my former friends because they actually did something to me and were going out of their way to commit Defamation per Se and Tortious Interference--among basic libel and slander. She had done nothing to me that would make me want to even consider making a video on her. However, despite my best efforts of trying to reassure her, I eventually had to reluctantly respect her wishes and let her go. We un-watched each other, and that was that. But, something was odd... Not only did he un-watch me, but also blocked me. Un-watching, I could understand. But blocking as well? That didn't make any sense... After months of having the worry drive me insane, I eventually came to the realization that tore my apart. I didn't want to believe it, but, after analyzing everything that occurred, nothing else made sense except what I had realized. She was USING me. She was only friends (and "litter sister" to the 2nd-in-Command) with the entire Matriarchy because of me. And what thanks did I get? NOTHING! She gave me false hope that I could change and be better--lying through her teeth the entire time. Not only that... she PRETENDED to be my friend. Like everyone else, she knew my weak spot: Friendship. All that mattered to me. Having the support group to escape to when my parents (mother) didn't give me any and tried to drag me away from the things I loved and enjoyed. They knew it. She knew it--it was her plan all along, wasn't it?! She used me. She. USED. Me. Slept her way to the top, so to speak, without any effort; just rode along on my coat tails until she had no use for me anymore. ...And I was stupid to fall for her feigned innocence and let her get away with it. I stupidly turned around, thinking nothing of the situation until she plunged her knife deep enough to the hilt right through me. ...I know that's an extreme jump to conclusions, but what else was I supposed to think? I thought I was numb after all the other things I had to go through in the previous years. But, after what she did... I couldn't remember a time where I went through that much pain; pain that lasted for months afterwards. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was taking each day by day and doing my best to act as normal as I could around family, despite everything that occurred/was occurring online. I quite my part-time job, and spent the summer looking for a better one; eventually landing a full-time job (my current one) that paid really well and had good benefits. Sure, it took a lot of time away from working on art, especially when the Holidays came around and there was so much overtime I was working between 55 and 60 hours per week. I tried to manage as much as I could with my online status and stay as active as I could though, even if my quality of art never increased because of the lack of motivation and little time I had in between with work in order to put some art together.

2019:

And, now we come to the final year of the decade. I focused more and more on my art and developing it enough to where I became a better Mimicker Artist. Even though there have been many more times where I had to politely put others down when they remarked about "[my] style"; it was a similar reply I would have to make to comments like those before. Other than that, though, there were many ups and downs, like there were every year. Midway through 2019, I met some new individuals, who had left when the Community became too toxic, and got in a call with one of the former friends of The Group (We'll call this individual "J"). Through the call, which lasted about 3-4 hours--there was a lot they had to unpack and let me know--, J informed me of everything The Group was saying and doing behind closed doors on Discord. Even going so far as to get their (former) connection, who had easy access to the Deep and Dark Web, to go after people they they didn't like. One of those people, included myself. Remember when I mentioned that Amazon package I received during Christmas of 2017? It was them. Their reason: "Make [me] so stressed out to the point that [my] cancer comes back in a more severe case and kills [me]." The moment J told me that, I let everyone in the call know that I had to step away for a minute. Then, I muted my mic, and promptly went to the bathroom to throw up. Even if it was way passed midnight after the call ended, I couldn't get any sleep because I was shaking so bad. These people--people, who third-party viewers call "drama whores"--, were more than just that. "Drama whore" was a huge understatement. These people... were psychos. Thankfully, they hadn't done anything else since then (Especially since their little Deep Web friend stopped interacting with them and The Group is against him now). But even so, the fact that these people went out of their way to have me killed just because I was making fun of them for being immature and stupid... it was more than just the epitome of "insane". Who does something like that? Who thinks that the way to "get back" at someone for making fun of you on the internet is to have them killed? Again, thankfully, nothing else has happened since then; but, of course, if it does, I'm calling the police. Back in the real world, I managed to sway my parents to let me go to an Art-Collage. Sure, had I let in on the fact that I wanted to go into Theater or Graphic Arts, they (Mom) would have shot it down immediately and gave me the speech I always got. So, I managed to settle on a Film Degree, which was more like my Plan C (a field that still interested me, but not 100% what I loved), still mostly out of the fear that they wouldn't accept me for a field that I actually wanted to go into. And, for the majority of 2020, I'll be working on saving up to attend that school; hopefully able to get some grants or scholarships so that I won't have to worry about paying the rest of my share after the FAFSA amount is taken out. At the end of the day, and year, at least AAV and I are still as close as ever, and I wouldn't trade her for anything else in the world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: life isn't worth living without her. She's all that I have left in this world that matters. She's the only one I can trust that won't leave or abandon me. To this day, it still baffles me that she didn't drop me and leave, like the others had, when we had our first petty spat. So, if anyone could be considered a "true friend", it would be her. Of course, I still can't get close to others, and I wouldn't even dare try to attempt a new friendship. I try to be nice and civil when others ask: "Can we be friends?" I give them the short explanation of why I can't get close to others anymore, and, luckily, they understand. I know it's wrong, and I should give people a chance, but, after all that's happened, I can't risk anything.

Anyway, so that's my entire Decade in review. It's crazy to think how long it's been since then and how much has happened... The years and events may have changed, but I and everyone else haven't. I know I certainly haven't. Like I mentioned in 2017, I began to accept who I was, and eventually fully accepted it through the entirety of the next year. And, like they have been for almost 10 years, my thoughts never changed on the Matriarchy, and it absolutely disgusts me whenever they (especially the 2nd-in-Command) acts mature and friendly for "brownie points", and saying lies like: "...inspiring others from a healthy approach to pursue whatever they aim for, because it can definitely be achieved. ..." (Not to mention that she has no idea what having an actual reason for anxiety feels like). Well, there's one thing I can agree with her on... there's people that I used to look up to that I shouldn't have. That includes her and the rest of the FMA OC Matriarchs. Because those people are nothing more than self-entitled, immature, holier-than-thou individuals, who act like their word is law, everyone else is lower than dirt underneath them, and use their mob mentality on others for some stupid petty "block brigade" on Tumblr just because someone doesn't like their OC with Ed. Even when I was a small barely-100-watcher DeviantArtist, I saw them all and their true colors and thought that way of them. 10 years later, and my mind still hasn't changed. Because people don't change, no matter how badly they want to--I'm a bright and shining example of that. My goal concerning them is the same that it's always been: "Knock [them] off their thrones." My mind hasn't changed about them. And I still wholeheartedly believe that what they did, have done, are doing is NOT the right thing to do. And I will keep working my tail off until I surpass them and take them down a peg. No one that "looks up to" you should be treated in the ways that they have done over the years. If you're looked up to, be an actual adult for once as well as a good role model. Of course, I am far from being the latter. Little me from 2010 might look at my art and say: "Wow!" But, I just have to say in response: "Kid... forget all you know about art. Go get a degree in the medical or science field. You don't want to go down the path I had to take." Present-Day "Me" isn't someone that 2010 "Me"--or anyone else for that matter--should look up to. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm a "lost cause" after all, and I'm not someone that should be seen as "inspirational". Not after the things I've done and said over the years. And, through this entire decade, I began to see that the world is nothing more than a dark and cruel place full of people, who will turn against you the moment you disagree with them or abandon you when they have no use for you anymore. (That's not me being "edgy" -__- That's me being realistic). But, then again... had I not pursued this path and found the FMA fandom, I never would have met my best friend, AAV. She's the highlight of every New Year in my life, and, while the world may seem bleak to me the majority of the time... she finds a way to light it up in her own special way. So, even through these ups and downs, I'm happy to have her in my life. She means everything to me, and I wouldn't trade anything else in the world for her. No, we're not a couple--like many have assumed and publicly stated on that rumor--, she and I are just friends. Best friends, yes, but friends nonetheless. But, other than that, I'm going to keep working on art here on dA, because, with this new decade, there will be a new batch of up-and-coming artists. And, while I don't really think I'm someone worth looking up to, I still want to help them work on their craft and make something of themselves. Even if that one former friend used me for her personal benefit... I still enjoyed seeing how happy she was once she was able to start flying on her own, so to speak. It was an amazing feeling, and, knowing that I helped someone achieve that, I just can't help but feel so proud of them. And, I really want to help other beginner artists out and climb up their own mountain. It's okay if some aren't as fast learners as the others; it's the lessons we learn along the way and the mistakes we make to learn from. Anyway... here's to 2020 everyone!

#long post #You Know Who You Are #ironic how within just the few first months of this year.... everything goes downhill xD #Welp. It's always best to get the negative stuff done and over with at the beginning #better to start bad than end bad #madiis musings

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