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nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj · 16 days

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Looong rant about chapter 16 Ptolemy's Gate and how being passive can add to the cycle of ab*se.

oof so I just read when Nat goes to see Ms Lutyens and I can't help but be absolutely furious at her??

I know that's maybe a little bit unfair given she's frightened of him as a magician and is obviously angry when she finds out the department he's responsible for, but honestly it kinda brings up the problem with inadvertent bystanders to child ab*se in my mind.

And I'm definitely not blaming her solely for who Nat becomes but it makes me think of all those people in huge child ab*se cases who give interviews to press about all the things they noticed that were wrong but they just...never do anything?

She stood up for him against Lovelace, and when Nat thanked her- "I wanted to say that I know you were trying to save me, and-"

''Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't" Like girl be for real did you really think that alone would undo the years of indoctrination and abuse he's already suffered and prevent years worth of the same in the years to come? And she won't take responsibility - "My job is with children, not the adults they become" and again while it seems harsh to blame her for who Nat becomes, it's so much easier to pass the blame to people who are more directly responsible rather than acknowledging you also play a part.

I think it hurts so much more because it's her specifically- Nat goes to her in sheer desperation, it almost seems like a goodbye- he wants to thank her, tries to set her up in a job that will pay well and struggles to communicate he's trying to help. At this point he thinks Bartimaeus has been summoned by another magician and his birth name will be revealed. He's sure he's about to die and if not he'll be stood on trial and lose everything.

He goes to her because she represents the peaceful moments from his childhood when he got away from his master. He's scared and feeling lost and really it's call for help; but he doesn't ask for anything he just wants to make her feel proud of him- he's looking for that validation that he's been chasing since childhood.

And that shows he still does have that little bit of childhood innocence in him; he thinks she will be proud, thinks she'll see him as the same little boy in the garden gazing up at his teacher in adoration. He can't quite grasp why she's separated the man stood before her from that little boy. Because in that moment the child inside Nathaniel is seeking comfort AND THAT'S WHY it makes me so angry. She's completely given up on him when he's at his lowest ebb, because she doesn't want to be associated with the magician he's become. As if it isn't a massive step in the right direction that he saught her out in the first place- what other magican would bother? I wonder if that's why she reacted so strongly to seeing him again? Before that moment she could go about her life wondering if /pretending her attempt to protect him was enough, and now she realises it wasn't, of course it wasn't, and the image she had of Nathaniel's childhood innocence is completely ruined in her mind.

Or was her contempt for him even grater than Nat realised? She was naturally disgusted by the rhetoric he'd started to repeat from a young age, and gently tried to correct him although she was clearly angry- was she just resigned to the fact that there is little else she could do to change his future? I always thought- couldn't she have looked for him? The Underwood house fire was in the papers and they mentioned the apprentice was being searched for. Did she ever worry about him? Surely something must have been in the papers since- an announcement of new ministers, ANYTHING! Look at how much research Kitty did to find out about Bartimaeus and Ptolemy. I just don't think Rosanna Lutyens cared enough, realistically Nathaniel wasn't hard to find- but he was no longer her responsibility so she could turn a blind eye.

And sadly it's not just her- I know everyone loves Martha Underwood including Nat; but I think her submissiveness to her husband has a negative effect on Nathaniel as well. In AOS when Nat is locked in his room for ages after setting the mites loose, and is forbidden to have any contact with anyone and she won't talk with him. I know she's been told by Mr. Underwood she can't, but it still boils my blood. She's an adult and going along with ignoring Nathaniel because her husband told her to...I can't even begin to imagine the psychological damage that would do to a 10 year old child. (It could be argued she's frightened of the consequences if her husband finds out she's disobeyed him which is fair, he could always be watching through magic- but this is Arthur Underwood we're talking about. He's lazy, oblivious and weak I doubt he'd expend all that energy each day to check up on her.)

And It's even more painful that Nathaniel is often described as fiercely loyal to her and I think to Ms Lutyens as well- he doesn't expect to be treated well by Arthur Underwood but he loved Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens so much he started to view them through a rose-coloured lense. He never feels betrayed by either of them, even though they absolutely let him down, because the pedestal he's put them on is too high AND THAT ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS ME.

Would things with Nathaniel have been any different if Mrs Underwood hadn't died? I don't really think so. Do you think she'd see Nathaniel's temper at 14 years old and be reminded of Arthur Underwood? He was awful, absolutely awful to Nat and to her; but he was under so much stress in an underfunded departement, where pressure was being put on him by superiors to accomplish far more than they knew him to be capable of, and he took it out on the easiest target. Nathaniel ends up in exactly the same place and he starts to take it out on the only person around him- Bartimaeus. Would he snap at Mrs Underwood all the time if she were still there? Because he's learnt that behaviour from his father figure, and subconsciously learnt from his mother figure that she'll put up with it. He learnt from the woman he loved so deeply, that if you don't resist, people will walk all over you. So you have to maintain control even if it ends up hurting people you care about because no one will step in to stop the suffering no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want them too.

It's easy to blame Arthur Underwood and Simon Lovelace and the magicians that actively hurt Nathaniel but I just feel like it's a bit disingenuous not to acknowledge the role of those doing passive harm. It's really mean to say it but even Bartimaeus plays a role- he knows Nat is clinging on to him because he can't 'bring himself to break this last connection' (to his childhood) but instead of bringing it up properly he 'taunts' Nathaniel- a boy who has been taunted for his weakness by his master for years. And even in AOS when Nathaniel tells Bartimaeus he was beaten for the mites incident Bart just kinda shrugs it off. Like I get it, why should Bartimaeus do anything, he's suffered way worse due to the system so he doesn't owe Nat anything right? But from Nat's point of view this is the first and only time he's mentioned to anyone what has happened to him and nothing changes. It's like another lesson learnt: telling someone about it doesn't help. Another nail in the coffin.

And I like all these characters, I feel bad for them. They're all victims of the system, I think the chapter with Ms Lutyens is just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All of those little opportunities that are insignificant to the narrative over all; the commoners have it worse, Nathaniel is in a privileged position in society, exerting control over others. He's very morally grey, crossing over into objectively bad person territory but I love him with my whole heart and all of those insignificant moments would have been massive to him whether he was conscious of it or not.

And it goes all the way back to the beginning with Nat's parents giving him up to the magicians at 5 years old. I can't get the image of that little boy sat crying all alone in the government building. And he's not going somewhere safer, or somewhere he'll be happier and more loved. Giving your child over to a total stranger, oh he'll be totally fine won't he? He'll grow up to be a magician and far richer than you'll ever be, he'll be happy and comfortable and be grateful he got to grow up in luxury. There's no way a stranger you've never met, who the majority of society is terrified of would ever hurt a vulnerable little kid right? And if they do? Well you aren't responsible anymore, how could you know? What could you possibly do against the magician taking care of him?

Every little thing is another grain of sand tipping the scale. Did anyone else have to analyse An Inspector Calls in school? It feels like that to me- those BIG moments and all the little moments in between that add onto the pile.

And it goes on to cause problems in wider society too- ab*se is so normalised to the magicians, they casually ask Underwood if he hits Nathaniel like it's nothing. Because to them it is nothing, they've all grown up in the same circumstances and are repeating what they've learnt as children. I can't help but feel a little sorry for them all, especially when they aren't looked at through the black and white lense of 'argh these people are the evil arseholes look at how they treat everyone around them, screw these guys.' When we see those little glimpses of humanity like Simon's anxiety with the amulet; looking to his master and father figure Schyler for reassurance, and what's sad is that Nat is "reminded...of his own master's cold impatience" It's clear Simon looks up to his master, wants to make him proud and loves him. But it seems like Schyler has just trained Simon up so he can get power through him later on. I love the little hints of similarities between Simon and Nathaniel; the anxious mannerisms like fiddling with his hair that Nathaniel starts to develop, the way their master's talk to them. Even though they're actively working against each other in AOS and Simon is placed firmly in the baddies category and Nat in the goodies category at this point in the series; these things always hinted to me they had similar childhoods, how was Simon treated? When he had the imp beat Nat into unconsciousness, was it because he'd had the same punishment used against him? Did he know the magicians in the room would do nothing to stop him because no one stopped it from happening to him? Did he ever have a teacher stand up for him only for it to change nothing in the end because all the negative influences were so much stronger? Is the reason he loves Schyler like a dad because he's almost developed Stockholm syndrome? It looks like love because he's never known anything else.

And Arthur Underwood- who doesn't think his upbringing, and being taken away from his family ever did him any harm- doesn't realise the harm done is that he doesn't even know another way of raising Nathaniel, because he was never shown another way. His childhood may also have been filled with people who hurt him and the people that didn't do enough to intervene.

There are so many psychology studies that show children copy everything they see the adults in their life doing. Nathaniel copies the magicians behaviour towards spirits and on a subconscious level I think he copies all the submissive people in his life. How many times does he end up upset and frustrated with the fact he seems to be going nowhere and how many times does he just hope things will be different rather than taking postive action.

I dislike the actions the magicians end up taking but I also find them fascinating to analyse. I tend to prefer villains in media because they're usually slightly more complex individuals and I love to think about how they ended up that way. They can all be seen as victims of their circumstances in a way, despite all the power and privilege they have had terrible and traumatic childhoods, and if the commoners had no valuable worldy possessions at least they had a sense of togetherness; of love and understanding and selflessness. I wonder if the magicians hated them at least partly because of that. Because out in the sea of faces of the commoners talking about nothing important, doing nothing great and noble- could be the parents that abandoned them. And when your life is on the line daily because of working with spirits, and your colleagues want to stab you in the back, sometimes not being responsible for anything important looks good. But you can't leave your life as a magician, it would be too difficult; you have nowhere to go, no real friends, no one who really loves you. So it's better to stay and be a submissive bystander in your own life because it's so much easier.

Doing nothing is doing something- being passive can be just as harmful.

#Oh boy if I was in Nat's life I'd've packed him into a box and shipped him off to therapy long ago #Listen I'm not a magician apologist per se....#But I do find playing devil's advocate for well -written baddies fun #And I am Nathaniells defence lawyer #I will not hear a word said against him #Just stressing that I do in fact like Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens I just wish they were a little stronger in sticking up for Nat #and I do hate mr Underwood #Simon lovelace tho.... I quite like him he can have a little space in the therapy box #I have a softspot for him because of the mannerisms that compare him to Nat okay???#Is it obvious I studied psychology at school 😅#Or that I am a huge Nat kinnie😅😅#Please don't hate me for this take #If anyone takes anything from this please let it be children copy everything they see you do including when you do nothing #This is quite tangential #bartseq #bartimaeus sequence #bartimaeus trilogy #bartimaeus #nathaniel underwood #liveblogging

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strangersatellites · 1 year

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ask and you shall receive !! part two of tarot-verse !! read part one here !!

⛓️🪄🔮

“Robs, do you really think this is going to work?”

“Well normally I would say yes. It's pretty straight-forward and I don’t think you’re leaving a lot of room for misinterpretation. But at the same time, Eddie has been demonstrating some particularly impressive levels of obliviousness when it comes to the way you go all goo-goo eyes at him.”

Steve opens his mouth to dispute her claim, he does not go all goo-goo eyes at him, but gets cut off.

“That and the fact that he’s all in his head over a scenario he literally made up. So I don't know, it might be hopeless.”

Steve just blinks for a second.

“Wow. Thank you, Robin, for that very motivating pep talk.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I am feeling much more confident now, that's really great.”

She huffs on the other end of the line. “Well, I just mean that-”

He holds up a hand even though she can’t see him. “No, no. I got it.” He perks up at the sound of a door slamming in the driveway. “Hey, he’s here Robbie. I gotta go.”

Robin's screech has him pulling the phone away from his ear. “Good luck, dingus!”

“Thanks Robs. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He hangs up and wipes his, now clammy, hands on the front of his jeans and psychs himself up.

“Come on Steve. Be cool.”

A musical knock that Steve would know anywhere sounds through the foyer and he has to tamp down the smile threatening to split his face. This is serious.

He swings open the door just as Eddie’s hand is poised to knock again and cuts him off before he can even start to speak.

“Okay. I know I asked you to come over so we could smoke and watch that movie you like but can I show you something first?”

Eddie’s eyebrows furrow but his smile doesn’t drop.

“Course, Stevie. Why so serious? What did you do, rob a bank?” He asks, shouldering his way past and making his way to the living room and hopping over the back of the couch.

Steve knows the moment Eddie sees them. His shoulders stiffen up and his breath catches. Steve hurries to placate.

“Hey, I know. I’m sorry just-” If he runs his hand through his hair again it's going to go flat but he can't break the habit. “Just let me show you?”

Eddie settles back into the couch and gives Steve a quick nod.

Steve takes a breath and grabs his stack of cards from the coffee table and settles on the other end of the couch.

Okay, Steve. Just like you rehearsed.

Another deep breath.

“Two summers ago Robin told me she wanted to learn how to read tarot. She bought a deck and tried to learn on her own, but she had a hard time memorizing what all of them meant.”

Eddie huffs a quiet laugh. “No shit. Shit’s hard.”

Steve laughs too. “Yeah, I know that now. But, she had a hard time with it so I told her I would learn and help her practice. And I did. And she got really good at it and she brought them everywhere and she did readings for people constantly. But then she eventually got bored and stopped.”

Eddie shifts and uncrosses his arms. Finally looks less like he’s ready to bolt.

“What, do you just have like a rolodex of stuff you’ve learned for Robin that she doesn’t care about anymore?”

“I think of it more like an old toybox.” This gets a laugh out of Eddie. “But this one– this one stuck with me. I forgot about it for a while but a while back, a few days pre-vecna oddly enough, I pulled a reading for myself and I wanted to show you.”

Eddie’s eyes dart between his own for a beat. He tilts his head a bit.

“I would love to see it, Stevie. But I’m not understanding what was so urgent about this. I thought it was gonna be about the whole,” he waves his hand around while he talks, “you watching me make myself look stupid the other day.”

Steve hates the dejected tone his voice has taken on behind his false bravado.

“It is! I mean, I’ve never thought you looked stupid. But, I mean I kind of goaded you into it, just– just let me talk you through this and I promise it’ll all make sense.”

Eddie sits back again. “Okay sweetheart. Wow me.”

Steve takes a deep breath because this part is a bit like baring his soul to Eddie.

“So when I pulled this reading. I was feeling really confused about what was in store for me. I decided to dust off my cards and see what happened.”

He pulls four cards right off the top of the deck and lays them out face down. Flips the first one.

Judgement.

“I got judgement first. Now, I know you know what it means, but I’m going to tell you my interpretation.”

When Steve looks back up at him, Eddie’s got his chin propped in his hand and the stars back in his eyes.

“Judgement told me to stop looking for things in the same places I’d always looked. That I should look somewhere different. Now granted I didn’t know what that meant yet, but it was just the start.”

Flips the second card.

The Moon.

“You would think that maybe I would’ve taken the hint with this one. It’s the one that tells you, ‘Hey! Stop lying to yourself! Listen to your intuition!’ But still I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean either.”

He skips ahead and flips the last card and Eddie looks confused and goes to flip the third card himself.

“Call me crazy, Stevie, but I think you skipped one.”

Steve bats his hand away.

“Shut up. I know that, but there’s an order to this story.”

Eddie puts his hands up in a gesture of innocence and Steve taps the fourth card.

The Lovers.

“This one made me finally start to piece this one together. Maybe I needed to start looking for a different type of girl, ya know? Clearly I was gonna fall in love and I needed to start looking in new places for whoever it was.”

He brings his eyes up to meet Eddie’s.

“Maybe a farmer’s market.”

Eddie throws his head back in a laugh.

“But this last card had me so confused because it didn’t fit into this lineup at all. In my experience, when a card doesn’t really fit, it might need to be read more literally. And I found out later that this one was meant to be taken very literally. Like, very.”

He flips the final card.

The Devil.

“Because a few days later, I met you.”

Eddie squints at him, but he's smiling.

“That feels like an insult, babe.”

Steve can literally feel his cheeks flush at Eddie’s effortless flirting.

“Okay, well I can only think of one person who was accused of devil-worship in this town, so.”

“That’s fair,” Eddie nods.

“And I had this stupid big crush on you before I even remembered the reading. When I did it got so much worse. And then, last weekend, I saw your cards and I thought it would be fun to see what kind of reading you would pull for me. Thought maybe that would be my chance to tell you how I felt. I was going to wait for you to tell me about whatever you pulled and then tell you I knew that already.”

Eddie shifts to sling an arm around Steve’s shoulder and lets him finish.

“But then I saw those cards and I knew you were making stuff up and I thought it was because you didn't want it to be you.”

Eddie’s face falls for a second before Steve bumps their noses together.

“But then you were being so weird at the farmer’s market so I talked to Robs about it and she told me we're both stupid.”

Steve feels more than he hears Eddie’s laugh.

“I would have to agree with Birdie on that one. Steve, has anybody ever told you you have an insane poker face?”

Steve hides his face and laughs.

“No, that's a new one.”

Eddie puts on his most dramatic voice again.

“Well allow me to be the first. Because that was a phenomenal performance. I had no idea that you knew I was talking out of my ass.”

“Well you do that a lot anyway, so.”

Eddie squawks and shoves Steve to fall backwards until he’s in his space, looking down with a blinding smile.

“So, cards tell you anything about a first date?”

Steve’s hands settle around Eddie’s waist and his eyes dart around his face.

“We could ask. But I can think of a better way to spend our time.”

Eddie bends down and nips at the side of Steve’s jaw, hums.

“Yeah? Hm. I think it might be worth an ask.”

Steve huffs and brings his his hands to either side of his face to tug him down.

“Shut up.”

Eddie’s laughing the first time their lips meet.

He bites and tugs at Steve’s bottom lip to get his attention.

“I can’t believe you called me the devil.”

Steve’s eyes are hazy and his smile lazy.

“Yeah but you’re my devil.”

Eddie laughs and leans down to peck at the corner of his mouth.

“And you’re my magician.”

⛓️🪄🔮

tag list: @henderdads, @mightbeasleep, @gothbat99, @hotluncheddie, @steddie-there, @thefreakandthehair, @steddieasitgoes, @gayngerthings, @grapefruitgalaxy, @orangeandthefairroadkill, @hardboiledleggs, @corrodedcoughin, @punkharringtxn, @mackdaddyofheimlichcountyy, @ottokajiyehett, @toobluebrunette, @e0509, @booksandsience, @lohthus, @chaoticlovingdreamer, @4nemo1egend, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @adelicioustragedy, @wearelosersyoudumbfuck, @lightwoodbanethings, @trikigirl271, @initforthereadz, @dontwasteyourchances (if you got skipped or added, my apologies🫶🏼)

#eddie knows tarot #steve knows tarot #tarot steddie #i want to live in the tarot steddie-verse #steddie #steddie fic #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #the devil & the magician #the devil is my favorite card in tarot #so I had to find a way to include her #gin writes #fin gin #shot of gin

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