this isn’t something that I was originally going to talk about, in part because it’s something that I’m not certain actually Needs to be shared and in part because I’m not actually sure what it is that I want to share in the first place. but it’s been over a month and that Something hasn’t changed, and it likely won’t. or at least, it won’t for a long time.

when it happened, I said that I didn’t have the words to describe what I was feeling, and that was true. it’s still true. it’s a tight ball of Something settled under my skin that’s easier to forget about every day but easier still to be reminded of.

I’ve also said before that so much of what I wrote, the hours and hours and thousands of words, were centered around technoblade because I Cared. I genuinely and completely Cared.

and it was fun. I did it because it was Fun playing in the sandbox technoblade had laid out for us, the genuinely brilliant parts that made up the whole, held together with what was so genuinely Him.

so much of my love for techno’s character was tied to techno himself, because he was just a genuinely Warm presence. he was funny yes, he was smart, and he was an entertainer first and foremost. but what mattered the most To Me is that no matter what he was doing I felt that warmth.

I was So invested in everything he did even when it Frustrated me because I loved him, irrevocably. and I try to be very conscious about parasocial relationships, how I talk to and about people and think about myself in relationship to them. I know very well that I didn’t know him. but I loved what he Shared with us, what he gave willingly. and that passion bled into everything. bled in the praise and the heat and the love.

and I don’t regret that, I don’t regret any of it. I’m a different person now than I was years ago and I have techno to thank in large part for that. I think I’m better for having loved him.

but it’s just. it feels wrong now.

I’m different now too, from who I was just over a month ago.

people interact with that old writing, ancient now in the span of a month, as if nothing’s happened and I just can’t read it anymore. the person who wrote that didn’t know, and it hurts to remember being that person.

I don’t want to stop talking about him, I don’t want to stop remembering him, I don’t want to stop being someone who loves him. but I don’t know how to do those things anymore with that Thing under my skin every time I remember.

and it’s hard to think about anything else, Everything else, with the dream smp when This was such a central part of my experience with it. when technoblade was what I was passionate about The Most, when it was etched into my heart so clearly that it was as easy as breathing to think and say and Feel.

and it’s even harder to try to understand those feelings when it feels trivial compared to the weight of what’s happened. I know better to say that it’s selfish to care about when in the face of a tragedy, to say that I don’t Deserve to grieve this when there are people who deserve to grieve so much More, but I don’t know well enough to not feel it anyways. and ain’t that just the way.

it feels Strange, being here feels Strange. but I don’t want to be anywhere else.

and it won’t be like this forever, I won’t Grieve forever. but there’s also no counting down to when it’ll just Be Better. whatever I feel will demand to be felt whether I want it to or not. there’s no rushing humanity. so it’s just me and that Ugly Writhing Thing that I’m waiting to pick apart into scraps of grief and love.

I cast: curse of the eldest (can’t ask for help)

Nothing in the world belongs to me But my love, mine, all mine

i just think that….

“i don’t think you’re a fraud. i just think that maybe you’re not sure of your own feelings yet… and if there’s something you need to tell eddie… you will. in your own time.”

…..was a super neat thing for her to say.

Custody Battle: START

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look at this pic i found on twitter

I love it when women hate men. I love it when women are allowed to vent to each other about how horrible and creepy men are. I love it when women form friendships with and prioritize each other over relationships with men(whether they're attracted to them or not). I love it when women put men dni in their bios and on their nude photos and on posts on their blogs. I love it when women refuse to mollycoddle and accommodate entitled male feelings with "but this doesn't mean I hate all men, I know a few men who are great, I love my father/sons/brothers/uncles/male cousins/guy friends" I love it when women complain about men WITHOUT "not all men" being a disclaimer. I love it when women avoid socializing with/refuse to be around/befriend/get close to men because they know men can't be trusted. I love it when women make "kill all men" jokes. I love it when women offer absolutely no concern or care for men's feelings and if their misandry offends men whatsoever because why should we, men are the oppressor class who have raped and killed and abused us and kept us as subjugated as second-class citizens for millennia, they regularly mistreat us and the women in their own marginalized communities still every single day and make this world so much harder and more awful for us to be in, and if we choose to hate them and not spare them any sympathy then so be it, and I don't just mean "men as a class" either, you can be a woman who doesn't want to have anything to do with any man on an individual basis and completely cuts off men from her personal life too and ykw I will love and fucking support you in that because men deserve absolutely NOTHING from us. If they're so tough and strong then they can handle it just like they can handle being lonely. If you are a woman who hates men, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A LESBIAN AND/OR A TRANS WOMAN, then just know that I love you. I love you, I support you, and you are safe here.

Your the only artist I’ve seen who I think draws what would realistically happen if Alastor met his mom again as a demon. Thank you for that

i hate being a mentally ill adult actually. i hate that there’s always groceries to be bought and housekeeping to do and work in the morning i hate that we have no space to feel it all i hate that we walk around acting normal. there are so many people i know who are clearly deeply unhappy with their lives and we make silly little jokes that allude to it but sometimes i want to grab them by the shoulders and scream ‘i know you are miserable!! we can’t keep living like this!! this is why people break!!’ im sick of this drudgerous apathy i want us all to be dramatic like when we were teenagers i want us to sob together and scream bloody murder at each other and tell each other we want to kill ourselves not as a funny post-ironic joke but because we all feel like that sometimes!! i want us to get fucked up on god knows what til we can’t open our eyes i want us to take care of each other instead of always taking care of ourselves i want us to be vulnerable i want us to hold each others hands in the ambulance!!

y’all know that saying “writers are people, treat them like people!!” means you shouldn’t put them on a pedestal they didn’t ask to be put on, too, right……

RULES OF BEING OTHERKIN #1

Being authentic and true to yourself is the only way you are 'supposed to be/act like' (insert entity). If anyone else disagrees it only tells you about them.

AU where Loki doesn’t interfere with Thor’s banishment at all and it takes Thor years to prove himself worthy and when he returns to Asgard everything is just. The same. Nothing seems to have changed at all and everyone greets him like his absence was a minor obstacle that didn’t fundamentally change Thor and the worst part is Loki stepped down from the place as regent without any delay and Thor can’t help but feel there’s something underlaying the way his brother looks at him now and won’t let him touch him and Thor doesn’t know what he could have missed because he doesn’t think he would have found anything wrong with the things around him and how everyone behaves if he hadn’t spent time on Earth reflecting.

It’s not that Jason came back to a changed family where he didn’t fit into the gap he left behind anymore. It’s the fact that his family never scooted over to make more space for him once he returned.

i really do think the desire to paint ten as unambiguously The Worst™️ when it comes to his relationship with martha is out of this desire to uncomplicate their relationship. to decouple them as friends and people who profoundly impacted each other’s lives. it’s just an easier narrative to swallow: that ten was Awful to her and then martha kicked him to the curb when she realized she was too good for him. easier, maybe, then dealing with the troubles of unrequited affection don’t have to be anyone’s fault, or that ten shut martha out in a lot of ways but let her in in others that he wouldn’t let any other companion near, or that they were still friends, they still wanted to see each other and be around each other, even though it was messy and sometimes hurt. you know?

Ohhhh, Anon's perfect apple ask is now giving me blessed imagery of Dusknoir cutting apple slices into bunny shapes. Maybe for Opal, maybe for him to show off, either way.

The soft, the dexterity, the GENTLENESS after such a prolonged period of violence he had undergone. Opal called him her gramps for a reason, after all.

(Referencing this post)

Hey how does it feel to have given me a prompt that had me tearing up all throughout the process of drawing it because of how unbearably heartfelt and endearing it is?