#that make her feel those things make me upset :)
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The Sticking Point 6
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Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon, possible violence, illness, death, bullying, ableism, and other elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.
This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.
Summary: You are sent in the place of your ailing sister to marry a stranger. (Regency AU)
Character: Loki
Note: I'm moving tomorrow.
As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me 💞
Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)
Love you all. Take care. 💖
The tension turns roiling. Even in such airy halls, you cannot escape it, not that you venture very far from your rooms. It seems with each interaction, your relationship with your fiance only grows more fraught. You needn’t wonder why. It’s the very same reason your own father regards you with derision. You’re defective, less than what he hoped for.
You sit in the window seat, looking over the greenery that reflects Jade Garden’s title. It’s a home anyone would covet and yet it feels as a penitentiary might. These walls are unyielding and the isolation suffocating.
Your visions drifts into the distance as the leaves turn to green smears blending into the dimming blue of the sky. You close your eyes and turn your head straight, leaning against the wall as you hook your arms around your legs.
A banquet. It’s less than a proper debut. You’re not certain anyone would be expecting you, or even know who you are. Will they be surprised when they hear your father’s name?
There are things you know. Things you must ready yourself for. Certainly, there will be jeers, mocking whispers, and errant giggles. Just the same as anyone ever reacted to you. Even the farmhands would echo your speech and laugh bawdily. It hardly matter’s your a lord’s daughter when you sound so ridiculous.
You hang your head and sigh. It isn’t just one banquet, it is the beginning of a lifetime of events. You will not only face this one night, but many anon. You will be the one they speak of behind their hands and the joke at the card tables.
You stand, made restless by your dread. The window darkens with the evening’s arrival. Doreen raps at the door and leaves a tray of supper. You pick at it but don’t eat much. You must keep yourself busy so your mind is not.
You go to your chests. You will need Doreen to unpack these soon. It’s as if the longer you leave them full, the less assured your fate. You might still strap them up and flee.
You know that isn’t truly an option.
You take out a gown the shade of cooked pumpkin with an overlay that lends it a bronzish hue. The bodice is trimmed with an eyelet effect and the hem of the cap sleeves and skirt finely threaded with beads. You lay it out on the chaise and find a pair of slippers to go with it and ribbon for your hair decorated with black onyx and brass.
If Edith could see you then. It should be her in your place. That thought rings louder and louder, bolstered by the constant disapproval.
You back away from your attire, spinning so you won’t have to look upon it. You never thought to miss home so much. Not your parents, you’re certain they hardly grieve your absence, but for the familiarity, for the simple walls and memories. Edith is there, even gone, you know you would see her in every cushion and every corner.
You go to the door and listen. As silent as ever. You emerge into the corridor and make careful progress on the pads of your feet. You come to the top of the stairwell and peer down on the foyer. For all it’s beauty, this place is rather grim.
You descend and let your eyes lead you. You take in every ornament, every statue, every door trim, and every tile of the floor. You want to know it all. You don’t want to feel so lost.
You find your way along to the sunroom. Upon your approach, the door opens and you falter. A lithe figure emerges. You press yourself to the wall, unready for Loki’s appearance. He has a snifter of liquor in hand as he glowers in the light of a lantern in his other.
He steps towards you and pauses, lifting the light higher to cast over you. His breath escapes him derisively. He lowers the lantern and sniffs.
“Like a rat, you skitter incessantly,” he remarks.
“My Lawd,” you push away from the wall and angle away from him.
“I am speaking to you. Do not go until I give leave to,” he demands.
You stop and face him again, hands meeting in apprehension.
“This banquet business,” his nostrils flare, “I will not be humiliated. Not as you have tonight.”
“My Lawd, I have been twained in etiq—etiqwette,” you insist.
He scoffs, “your manners hardly bother me. Certainly you might have some grain of awareness.”
You seal your lips. He’s said it plainly, as you have. He might be able to close his ears to your impediment but it is with you always.
“Perhaps you might keep your words to a minimum,” he advises, “select them wisely.”
You stare at him, cheeks fiery and eyes tinging, “If you would wather, I might make an excuse. A sudden malady, my lawd. I’d hate to stain your chawacter.”
His eyes roll to the side and his features sharpen, “more would be said were I to appear without my betrothed after my mother’s promises.”
That he has referred to your nuptials is not so nice as it should be. He speaks to it as a sentence. You look him in the face.
“It won’t eva go away,” you say.
“Hm, I only need get through the wedding night,” he retorts and you can’t help but wince.
You swallow, your hurt turning bitter. “As do I.”
His head tilts and he squints. He lets out another snort, “pardon?”
“My sista would’ve hated you,” you whisper. “You did not desawve to know haw.”
“Be wary,” he steps closer.
“You make an enemy of me, not I you,” you lift your chin.
He’s silent. He shifts even closer. So near, you have to keep from wilting away. You stare back at him defiantly, heart beating.
“You do not know yet what it is to have me as an enemy so you best mind your mannaws,” he mocks your cadence with his last word.
Your lip trembles as he green eyes sparkle like dark emeralds in the lantern lights. Your chest is a flurry of hurt and anger. What have you ever done to him, or anyone, to make them so spiteful? You swing your arm against his to knock the snifter from his hand, sending a splash of alcohol across the wall and and his vest. The smell is acrid and sour.
You back away from him, horrified at your reaction. You have learned to restrain yourself, to tamp it all down, to swallow it with a smile and say nothing. In that moment, you simply cannot. You shake your head as your face twists in despair.
“I would wather an enemy, saw,” you hiss, “as I would be ashamed to call a cad like you husband.”
His glare flashes and he sways as if he might lunge at you. He rights himself and his brow arches. His lips draw and his cheeks pale.
“Very well.”
He spins on his heel and stomps away, the light limning his silhouette sinisterly. You stare after him mortified. What has come over you? You were never bold or brazen or brutal to any. Edith would be disappointed. A gentle soul like her could never even think a hot word.
You fall back against the wall and clutch your hands over your chest. Is this to be your life? Are you to live in loathing, not only of that man but of yourself. To be castigated for the lilt of your own tongue, the very pulse of your existence? You’d thought your father a villain but this man has proven himself worse.
Worst than his distaste is your own futility, for he has assured you there is nothing you might do to appease him. As he is bound to you most miserably, so are you vowed to the same fate. Not even in that might you commiserate.
🔹
You sit in front of the mirror, holding the brooch over the table, feeling the embroidery with the pad of your thumb. You turn it over and back again. It’s the only piece of your sister you have left. Every day she feels further away from you. Every morning, you awake, expecting to hear her, to see her, and she is not there, and you are not at home.
You peer up at your reflection as your hand hovers over the painted wood. You’ve not touched a tress or cheek. You must ready, you know it, but your reticence is like chains on your wrists. You know what you are to face but knowing cannot make it any less unpleasant.
A knock comes at the door. You call for the maid to enter, thinking Doreen’s come to remind you again of your pending engagement. The maid opens the door but says nothing, letting in the duchess instead. Lady Frigga is almost rapturous in a dressing gown of peach fabric as her hair is set already in tight curls around an elegant chignon. You stand, apologising for your misstep.
“Dear, it is quite forgivable,” she assures, “I only meant to look in on you before the banquet, to be certain you do not require anything, but darling, oh,” she sweeps towards you and cups your cheeks, “you’ve not even begun. What is the matter?”
“There is no issue,” you lie, “I mewely let time escape me.”
You smile and gently pull away, turning back to the vanity. You open your hand and once more consider the pin.
“Is this the dress you mean to wear?” Frigga asks as she crosses the room in a swish of silk. You peer over your shoulder as she looks down on the orange fabric. “It is a rather keen shade.”
“Yes, my lady,” you answer in a dulcet tone. You cannot find a glimmer of concern for your attire.
She sighs and returns to you, holding the ribbon you’ve chosen, “these are far too dour,” she touches an onyx, “haven’t you some pearls?”
“Somewhaw...” You bend your neck, staring at the bluebird, at Edith’s handiwork. You remember the day she gave it to you and the way she smiled so proudly. How she pinned it on you herself and made you go around and show all.
“Oh, dear, that won’t go at all. It would be nice for a lunch, no doubt, but not for a banquet,” she remarks and you close your hand around the brooch. You put your shoulders straight and face her.
“I have a pawl band in my chest,” you resign and step around her.
You go to the chest and sift around, careful not to let the brooch slip from your grasp. You take out the pearls on the ivory band and show it to her. She tuts.
“It won’t go with this gown,” she insists.
“Yes, the onyx--”
“Mmp, I prefer pearls. Darling, you must be your best. It is your first social appearance. I do not say this to demean you, only to assist. I know your own mother cannot be here to see you debut but I cannot imagine her pain at this moment. So much loss. Both daughters at once, in a way,” she bemoans.
Yes, you think of your mother too. You know she won’t be well. Nor your father. All their hopes and dreams dashed in a deficient daughter sent to carry a legacy on with a spiteful husband who mightn’t even have the stomach to deliver one.
“I vewy much appweciate it, lady,” you make yourself smile, “I suppose it must be nawvs.”
“Suppose it must,” she hums, “how about you wear the orange gown and I fetch you a feather pin from my own collection? I have a fabulous ostrich and topaz piece,” she assures, “and some black lace gloves. Ooh, yes, dear, we will make certain all is perfect.”
“Thank you, Lady Fwigga, but it isn’t necessawy--”
“You are to be my daughter, of course it is,” she preens. “Besides, who shall notice anything but how splendid you look?”
She twists on her heel and your smile dwindles. You know what is meant. What she will not state plainly. Perhaps a fine outfit might distract from your crooked consonants. You sit on the stool again and watch her go.
Even those who are kind cannot help their thoughts. She mightn’t be cruel about it, but you can hear the disappointment in her pandering cooing. You are not the daughter she wanted just as you are not the wife her son wanted. Just as you do not want to be as you are.
#the sticking point#loki#dark loki#dark!loki#loki x reader#fic#dark fic#dark!fic#series#au#regency au#mcu#marvel#thor#avengers
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Oil is Thicker Then Blood (Part 12)
It took a lot of convincing to make N go home after that, too busy fretting over her to look at the time and his own needs for oil.
But eventually, with a promise to see him in the morning with their planned visit to Tera, he reluctantly made the journey home, the vision of Uzi injured and terrified stained in his permanent memory as he flew back to the spire.
He wanted to protect her, he ached to in a way he wasn't sure until today he was capable of. It was overwhelming, how badly he felt the need to. He'd felt like this before, at the manor, over V, and over Cyn, but at that time the only thing he could do for either of them was take the punishment meant for them on himself.
If Tessa hadn't been so good with machines, he was certain he wouldn't be around today to spend time thinking about it.
But Now? He unsheathed his claws and flexed them, and felt his wings on his back.
He had everything he could ever need to protect her, armed until his chassis was overcrowded with weaponry. Made for killing as quickly and as brutally as possible.
That made no difference when the thing that was threatening her was part of her. It wasn't something he could kill, or threaten or scare off. So how?
He didn't know. He didn't even know if it was possible. But he was going to try.
Those thoughts lingered when he flew directly into his nest, not even taking the time to say hello to V before crashing into it. He likely wouldn't get any sleep, despite how tired he felt. Screw getting oil, he'd had enough to get by for another day at least.
“What's got you in a mood?” V's voice wafted towards him, she sat on the edge of his nest, looking both curious and annoyed. Her stilt-like legs hung over the side and her hand was holding her face, looking mildly bored.
He was absolutely not in the mood.
“Since when do you care?” He barked back, crossing his arms and glaring at her in a quite convincing impression of Uzi. V looked taken aback for a moment before smirking.
“Purple Thing's rubbing off on you.”
He felt the heat rising to his visor, he could almost taste the “Bite me.” that threatened to fall from his mouth, but that would only prove her point, wouldn't it?
“Just…” He deflated, he wasn't angry at V, not really. Just upset at himself for being unable to protect his best freind possibly love of his life for the umpteenth time. “Leave me alone tonight V. You don't want to talk to me anyway.”
If he'd been looking at her, he would have seen her wince at that before looking a little bit guilty.
“Normally, No I don't.” V said, although something in her voice told N that she wasn't entirely telling the truth. “But I don't think I've seen you this upset before.”
He was uncharacteristically silent before he turned to her, searching her face for some resemblance of the girl back at the manor, and was mildly surprised when he found it her eyes were soft.
“I'm useless…” He murmured. Avoiding her gaze, feeling… not butterflies but definitely something as old and familiar, rise into his core.
V… didn't know how to respond to that. Any other day she'd agree and make fun of him, but hearing him say it about himself and mean it. Seemed to momentarily turn off that part of her brain.
“For what?” She asked, she refused to show any kind of weakness to him, voice still having bite.
“I don't know! Everything!” He stood up suddenly, throwing his hands forward in a display of utter frustration, something V was noticing him expressing more of recently. No longer was he N the doormat, he was N, the guy who called her out and was starting to speak his mind.
Some part of her was happy for him. Not that she'd ever admit it to him.
“I can't protect Uzi, I couldn't protect you, I live in a mound of freaking corpses! Corpses! This isn't a house V! We're essentially homeless!”
“I'm useless! I've always been…” He deflated again as he trailed off, anger shifting into quiet misery. He leaned his head on one of the walls of the spire.
“Ugh. Stop.” V said, annoyed.
“For the record. I can protect myself.” She proved it by unsheathing her claws and giving him a feral smile. He wasn't fazed, that had been V's default expression for a long while now.
“And I'm pretty sure your little purple girlfriend can too. She's not fragile. If you want proof go look at J's empty nest.” He didn't even register she'd said “girlfriend” only continued to wallow in his sorrow.
“So it doesn't matter if you're useless at that. Those bases are already covered.” She shrugged, smirking again, but it gradually left her face as she realized he still didn't look like he felt any better. He grumbled at her, sitting back down. Clearly still in misery.
“And if living here bothers you so much, move out!” She shouted, and that caught his attention. He shifted his gaze to look at her, cocking it like a curious puppy.
“I promised I'd always be there for you…” His voice was so quiet she'd barely registered it, but once she did she felt all her processors stop at once, an old yet familiar feeling rising in her chest.
She answered it with violence, growling like a feral cat until it was buried in her once again. No. She didn't feel that way about him, not anymore.
“That was years ago. I'm not…” She trailed off, she remembered how terrified she used to be and how powerless she was. N had been the only good thing the manor had ever offered her. And while she didn't feel the same way she used to about him (stupid in love) it wasn't like she wasn't appreciative. Or that she didn't care.
“I'm not the same terrified little girl you need to protect anymore. I've changed.”
“I know you have…” She dared to glance at his face and found some part of her aggression instantly melting, he was smiling softly at her, reminecent of their time at the manor and yet not quite the same.
“I'm… proud of you. You know?” He choked out, something that surprised even himself. He looked down for a moment, thinking more about his words before meeting her eyes again.
“You don't need me anymore, and yeah that hurt for awhile. But… I am proud.”
V had to look away, feeling something bittersweet crawl up her throat. She wasn't about to cry was she?
“I just wish you didn't feel like you had to close yourself off. I do miss talking to you.”
This conversation had gone a very different direction then either of them expected, and it was probably the longest one they'd had in a very long time.
V didn't have a response for that, at least not one that wouldn't completely ruin any semblance of self respect she had. But she didn't want to just say nothing. It had been nice… to hear that from him.
“I don't need that from you.” She said, aggression trying and failing to lace her voice. His face fell a little, and she felt the pang of guilt hit her harder than usual.
“But me too.” She said softly, and N couldn't help but smile. For a moment just a moment, he heard that sweet girl from the manor again, the one who's eyes lit up whenever she saw him and he'd spent many nights huddled under a blanket with, reading a stolen book from the library.
They made eye contact and V found herself blushing, not because of any lingering feelings, but because she'd been vulnerable and was still vulnerable and she didn't like it.
He warily opened his arms, silently asking if she wanted a hug. It wasn't the usual, “please hug me, I like you.” Kind she'd come to expect from him either, it was… more familial, less urgent.
Maybe that was why she crawled toward him and accepted, wrapping her arms around him loosely. She remembered being wrapped in his arms before, it had made her feel so safe. And it still did. Just… not in the same way.
“I really did miss you… you still into reptiles?” He asked softly, making a genuine laugh escape her before she answered.
“Yeah.” Was all she replied with, hiding her smile by looking away. This felt good. This felt right, and it lacked the weird tension that had lingered between them for a long time.
It only took another minute before she decided that the hug had reached it's end. N would cuddle with anyone who'd let him, and so she started to back away far enough to get out of his reach, but still sat beside him.
“If it really does bother you… you can move out.”
“I might, if I do though, would you want to too?” He asked, still looking at her, thankfully he didn't look as upset, still smiling softly.
“Like… with you…? N I thought we were-”
“No. Like, just out of here, in your own apartment. Like the one Uzi has.” He clarified, without any stammering either, so he wasn't covering his ass in a unsubtle confession.
“Am I even welcome there?” She asked, pure confusion on her face.
“I mean, you go to see Lizzy all the time. Why wouldn't you be?” With that she did blush, she hadn't realized he'd noticed her gone that much. Was she gone that much?
“I guess. The tower of corpses is menacing though… think they'd let me drag some of it in?” She gave him a feral smile, both hands switched back into claws, N just looked deadpan.
“Do not.”
She laughed, taking a liking to the fact he wasn’t all fun and games now. It made him more interesting, at the very least.
“What? Are you gonna stop me? Aren't you a lovable little sweetheart who's so worried about. “Protecting Me?”” She fluttered her eyelashes at him, sealing the mock with exaggerated kissy lips.
“I swear to robo god…” He mumbled under his breath, but he was amused, and happy oh so happy that she was talking to him. And being goofy! Wasn't that a sight.
“I don't sound like that.” He complained, but he was smiling, begrudgingly. For whatever reason it didn't sting as bad as her usual mocks.
“You do. If it makes you feel better, purple thing likes that about you~” V was satisfied, N felt better and honestly, she felt closer to him then she had in a long while, so falling back into teasing the life out of him felt safe to do.
He flustered, way more than she figured he would. A golden blush appearing at the bottom of his visor. She saw him glance to the floor and he gulped.
Oh
Oh
“Oh my robo god. You have a crush on her!” She cackled, letting out a wheeze as his blush only grew, he tried to look angry again, but it only made him look pouty.
“No! I-I Don't!” He stammered out, voice cracking like the liar he was. V continued to die of laugher, using her claws to dig into the wall of the spire to hold herself up.
“W-when did you. OH haHaha. When did this happen?!”
“It just sorta happened okay!” He yelped out, looking so embarrassed she was a little concerned he would bury himself in the corpse spire.
“Figures, she's you're type.” She finished, still laughing lightly. Honestly she saw a lot of herself in Uzi (yes she did actually know her name) her fiery personality tended to make them butt heads, but the little worker had a sweet side. And that was the side she assumed he'd fallen for.
“Wait Wait, don't tell me. Is she really shy around you? Does she let you cuddle with her? Do you make her feel safe?”
He blinked, how did V-?
“HA! You totally do have a type!” She dissolved into a fit of hysterical laughter. Watching as N looked at her with wide eyes.
“What do you mean by that?” He squealed, trying to think back, the only other person he'd ever had a crush on was the one currently laughing at him. But she wasn't shy, didn't let him cuddle her, and he seriously doubted she felt any safer with him then with her own claws. So what gives?
Well… she was shy at the manor, always more soft spoken and seemed to avoid speaking when she could. Plus all the little blushing, and then… well… they did often crawl under the blankets together, sometimes falling asleep in a heap until Tessa or J woke them up. And he'd been bigger than her then… always keeping her safe.
Oh
Oh
“Oh…” Was all he said, feeling the fluster even worse now. Crap did… did he really have this specific of a type?
“Uzi isn't shy! She's determined! And fiery!” He defended himself, while also convincing himself that he wasn't that predictable.
“That's true. But how is she with you~?” She asked teasingly, as if she already knew the answer.
Soft was the first thought. Sweet was the second.
Oh come on.
“Bite me!” He yelped before clasping his hand over his mouth. Blushing furiously. If anything V howled in laughter, digital tears pouring down her visor.
“Awww. The soft boy has a thing for soft girls~” She teased again, watching as N became more and more flustered.
“V!” He shouted, so what if he did?! It didn't give her the right to tease him about it. He liked feeling soft. It was comfortable. And it wasn't like he didn't like all the other aspects of her too!
“That's not- There's other things I like about her!”
“Oh? Does she look good in a little maid outfit?”
He kinda wanted to see that.
No. Don't prove her right!
“She's really smart, and brave. She always has a plan and… she's so strong.” His voice lightened up a bit, getting lost in it for a moment.
At that V ceased her laughter a little bit, she could keep teasing him telling him that “She was all those things too.” But at this point she'd had her fun. And wasn't all that interested in listening to him swoon over her.
“Alright, Alright… You totally wanna see her in a maid outfit though.”
“V!”
#murder drones#uzi doorman#serial designation n#serial designation v#past envy#biscuitbites#nuzi#n and uzi#V tries#N suffers#then he doesn't#look manor N and V have so much baggage I need to talk about them#Now they have sibling energy though
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Olalla – Chapter Four
Josh Kiszka x female OC
6.432 words
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, intended for adult readers. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. Also, if you're under 18, go find some other entertainment elsewhere.
One more chapter until Jacob makes an appearance again, so bear with me. Some shit still needs to happen...
Warnings: alcohol consumption, junk food, lots of fluff, heavy petting, oral sex, masturbation, unprotected penetrative sex, some rough sex too, but not too much, orgams (self) denial, depression, allusions to trauma, some arguing going on, the main character being a bit insufferable
Taglist
Previous Chapter Olalla masterlist
Feel the vibe
Feel the terror
Feel the pain
It's driving me insane
I can't fake
For God's sake why am I driving in the wrong lane
Trouble is my middle name
But in the end I'm not too bad
Can someone tell me if it's wrong to be so mad about you
Josh protested weakly for a short while but gave up soon, because he didn’t really have enough strength to fight with her. All he wanted to do was to wash the sticky sweat off his exhausted body and crawl in bed. He had a throbbing headache, his feet were swollen and his calves felt as if he set them on fire, not to mention the hollow ache deep inside his chest. The first panic attack had scared him shitless, but he learned to cope since then and could feel this one subsiding already. He hoped she didn’t recognize it, thinking that he was probably just upset by what happened…
He was also so hungry it hurt, but the idea of going anywhere and just being seen by any more people made him even more nauseous. He generally loved people, so this scared him too. He didn’t feel like himself anymore.
“Could you please at least tell me where we’re going?” he asked after a while, still clutching his forehead with his elbow sticking out of the window.
“We’re nearly there,” was all she said as she drove through the last sharp bend. They were now at the top of a bare, grassy hill with just a few trees here and there. The sun was setting right in front of them and if he just turned his head left, he would see a truly breathtaking view. It was a warm, breezy, fairytale evening. One of those summer evenings that make you forget about tomorrow; when you stay outside a bit too long, wrapped in a blanket, until early birds and the sun re-emerging on the other side tell you it’s finally time to go get some rest.
Not today though. The magic was lost somehow. He just didn’t care. He didn't want to care right now…
They soon arrived at a wrought iron gate that separated the main road from a driveway which led to several log chalets. They were obviously new, but looked sufficiently traditional at the same time, built in the picturesque goralski style, with just a few modern enhancements. It looked fairytale-ish AND expensive.
In his dreamlike state, he watched her miraculously procure the keys from the glove box, step out of the car and open the gate.
She did the same thing again after she parked the car in front of one of the smaller chalets. This time she motioned him to follow her inside. He groaned and slowly dragged himself out of the car. He wasn’t in the mood for whatever she’d been plotting or whoever she wanted to meet here.
The plank wall interior looked bright and cozy and was moderately furnished with just a large and comfy-looking modern gray couch that contrasted with a wooden dining table and chairs carved in the rural style. There was also a fully equipped kitchenette, a large TV and stereo system and a wooden staircase with iron-wrought banister that led upstairs. It was also completely empty.
“What is this?”
“Our shelter for the night,” she answered and switched the lights on because it was already getting dark inside. “I figured you’d appreciate a bit more privacy today.”
She wasn’t wrong, he couldn’t deny that. He knew he was a mess and if they went back, there would be questions, and the people who’d ask them, and he feared couldn’t deal with that right now. He was sure she didn’t want to, either. And this place was actually quite nice, but…
“So, it’s just the two of us? Is this place yours?” He asked tentatively. He thought it unlikely, but really hoped it was.
“No, not mine. I couldn’t afford it even if I wanted to. And I don’t,” she replied matter-of-factly, as if that explained everything, and turned on the oven to let it pre-heat.
Joshua, however, looked positively alarmed now. Still clutching his backpack in one hand, he tried to stop her in her tracks with the other. “Seriously, Olalla! What is this place and how could you get us inside? Please, tell me we’re not trespassing. I don’t want more trouble. If we can pay for this, I definitely will! I don’t want you to…”
“Relax, Mr. I-will-pay-for-it-all. It’s been already paid for. This is a private resort. People pay yearly rent so they can come anytime they want. Anyway, this one belongs to a guy who owns a small chain of bakeries. I’m the housekeeper,” she finally started to explain while rummaging in the fridge and kitchen drawers. “Here, have some water. And stop bouncing around me like a yo-yo. Sit and relax, for fucks sake!” She grabbed his shoulders and gently pushed him in one of the chairs before she dived her nose in the freezer, searching for boxes with frozen pizza. She threw one on the table in front of him “Margherita?”
He nodded weakly and she put it in the oven. “That’s why I couldn’t go to dinner with you the other day. I was here. Even when they’re not here, I come in here every week to keep this place spotless, because his wife is scared of spiders. Also, it just needs to be ready all the time in case they just decided to come here on a whim.” She noticed his alarmed face and added: “Not now! Don’t worry. They’re currently in Egypt…There’s some wine, too. Would you want some?”
He sucked in a breath and exhaled dramatically, which made her roll her eyes. “I take care of their groceries and other supplies. There’s a monthly budget and they don’t keep track, so they won’t notice. Besides, I can keep the change, so all in all you’re my guest… Now come have a look.”
She took his hand and led him to a small terrace outside a glass door at the southern side of the chalet. That’s when he finally saw it. The whole Tatra mountain range was stretching right in front of them. The setting sun was now illuminating just the tops of it, painting the peaks in fiery red, while the valley below was already shrouded in shadow. The glimmering streetlights of Zakopane looked surreal from where they stood, almost inappropriate…like a fake illusion that civilization could possibly surpass the power of the surrounding nature. We don’t control life, life controls us – that’s what Agnieszka thought. Josh, on the other hand, believed in divine symbiosis. Even now, all he could see was beauty. This was much bigger than him, much more important.
She watched with joy as his expression finally relaxed and a weak smile played on his lips. “This is beautiful,” he breathed out at last. “You still didn’t explain why we’re really here.”
“I already told you. The privacy.” His crossed arms and raised eyebrows and the whole oh-come-on look on his face told her that he wasn’t buying. He didn’t look so drained anymore, though, already going back to his charming, bubbly self. And even if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t mind.
She took a deep breath and told him that this was the exact reason. “We’re here so that you could just be yourself. You don’t need to feign anything tonight.”
If they went back to Eulalia, he would no doubt be forced to smile and act normal, at least until he’d reach the confines of his small and stuffy attic room. He had been upset, and she just wanted him to breathe and smile in earnest. This place was perfect for that. She would go here on her own sometimes – or stayed a bit longer than necessary after having done her chores – just to enjoy a private moment of peace, unbothered by anyone. That’s what she told him.
She did not tell him that she feared that they would just part in the hallway and that would be it. There were still some things that were left unsaid and there might not be another opportunity to say them. She would resume her role of a receptionist/slash/maid and he’d be her guest again, engaging in polite conversations about the weather until he’d be gone for good. The whole ride here, the devil on her shoulder kept telling her that it would be better that way and that this was foolish. Or was it the angel? She couldn’t tell. She also couldn’t let go of him that easily. Maya was wrong. A lot of things could have happened…and they did. She needed closure.
She did not need to tell him that, though. She brought him here not as her guest, but as her…whatever he was. A friend, most probably. Someone who she cared about, in spite of her resolve.
He knew that, and that was what really made him smile, not just the view.
“Thank you, Olalla,” he said in a low tone after a while and brought her from her reverie. “I truly love it here. Can we eat outside? he added, motioning to a set of fake rattan chairs and a small table right beside Agnieszka. He looked like an excited, mischievous boy again.
“Of course,” she smiled kindly and the stove clock buzzed, telling them the pizza was ready.
It was already dark when they finished eating, the wine was almost gone, too. It was getting chilly and they had to wrap themselves in blankets from the couch. Their bare and swollen feet, already freed from their heavy boots, were already getting uncomfortably cold, but neither of them wanted to leave yet. The pizza was okay, but small and they were still a bit hungry after, so Agnieszka quickly made some microwave popcorn. They were now munching the last handfuls, each of them lost in their thoughts, and watching the stars mirror the lights below.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” she finally broke the silence.
“You’ll have to be more specific,” he smiled warmly and reached out to stroke the back of her hand that lay on her armrest...
“The bus…” Her hand slid from under his fingers to reach for her wine, leaving them hovering in mid air awkwardly for a split second before he retracted them and clenched his fist unconsciously.
His previously relaxed face clouded again. “What’s there to talk about? People are jerks, you can’t avoid them. End of story, I guess.” His tone was not unpleasant, but it sounded definitive. He wasn’t going to discuss his breakdown with her. She nodded and looked away, so he continued in his honeyed voice: “Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m just impulsive. And I’d rather talk about our trip. The valley, it was a truly beautiful place. How many times have you actually been there?”
Her heart sank and she watched him playing with the hem of his shirt for a while. It was OK if he didn’t want to talk about the bus ride, but the way he just dismissed the kiss stung her. She cleared her throat because the lump in it threatened to choke her, and answered politely: “A few times. I think I was six or seven when my dad took me there for the first time. We needed passports back then.
“Well, that makes it easier now,” he nodded absentmindedly, still playing with his shirt.
“Nothing is easier!” Her sudden outburst made him look up in annoyance, but his expression quickly softened when he saw her own. He wanted to hug her, but didn’t dare, too afraid that she would pull away from him again.
He was about to suggest that they should probably call it a night. The wine obviously didn’t have the best effect on her. However, she took a deep breath and continued. It was a sudden outburst of words, totally out of her character, but he listened eagerly as she told him about the solace she found up there; how the weather made the same places look a bit different each time; how she knew every place accessible on foot and how Dominik – her fiance – once convinced her to get a climbing permit so that he could show her more; how she avoided going up there for nearly two years after he fell and left her here; how she finally learned that it’s just people’s stupidity that makes bad things happen, and nothing else…
She had no idea why she told him all that, but she suddenly felt so much lighter. It was just like the first night all over again. He was her confessor.
“Is that why you’re running from love? he whispered.
“No,” she huffed in protest. “I’m just seeking joy elsewhere. Love is overrated.”
“What? Oh no! Love is everything, dear. You cannot live without it. It’s the ultimate knowledge. ‘The more you love, the more you know’ – a dumb man once said. Love IS joy!”
“Yeah, you’re positively glowing,” she responded sarcastically.
“Even when it hurts, it’s worth it.”
“I’d rather never known that pain,” she mumbled.
“I regret nothing.” His face betrayed him, though. This was clearly not true. He could feel her eyes on him as he chewed the inside of his cheek. She opened up to him, he should do the same. It just wasn’t easy, not when this ugly, fake and pixelated version of him kept defeating him and its tentacles could reach this place too if he weren’t careful. It had destroyed his love and it still threatened to destroy his life…or at least it felt that way sometimes. “…well, almost…but that has nothing to do with love,” he added when the silence became unbearable.
“So, what’s his name?” The question made him smile, albeit ruefully. He loved how straightforward she was from day one. Some might think it rude, but her questions were always laced with pure interest and concern, nothing more. He appreciated that. She was clever, too…although not clever enough.
“Who? The love I don’t regret?” It was obvious that she wasn’t going to repeat the question. They both knew exactly what she meant, so he looked at her at last and added, finally telling her much more than just a name: “Christopher.”
“Do you still love him?”
“I don’t believe in falling out of love…unless it turns to hate. And I could never do that.”
“That sounds a bit evasive.”
“Yet it’s the most truthful answer I could give you. Everyone I’ve ever loved has left a mark. Some may be a bit faded, but love just doesn’t leave. Don’t your vain attempts to run from it prove my point?”
She huffed in annoyance and emptied her glass of wine. “He didn’t leave me intentionally. He died. Isn’t it natural to feel resentful when someone breaks your heart? They’re not gone, they just don’t want you anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s much easier to let go.”
“He didn’t break my heart. I broke his…and mine, in the process. I’m to blame. And I’m pretty sure he’s resentful, but it didn’t make it any easier for either of us. Besides, didn’t you just say a moment ago that it was all about human stupidity? We’re supposed to learn from it, not hide.”
She had no answer to that. She just tightened the blanket around her, acting like they were just talking about the weather. “It’s getting a bit chilly.”
He gave her a long, scrutinizing look, but she kept avoiding his eyes. “Ok, let’s go inside,” he sighed.
They washed the dishes together in silence and then she reluctantly led him upstairs, sad that their day would – after all – end in what felt like an argument.
The upper bedchamber was not much different from his attic room, with just the most essential furnishings, the double bed taking up most of the space. It was also equally stifled after the hot day. The bathroom, however, was large and cool and fully equipped.. Agnieszka once again started making everything ready with alacrity. She turned on the boiler, opened up the window to let some fresh air in, reached into the closet and handed him several clean towels, showed him where to find spare toothbrushes…and all that time he watched her with visible concern in his eyes which she masterfully ignored.
She was finally done. Standing in the middle of the room with her hands on her sides, she exhaled audibly. “Unfortunately, there’s just one bedroom here, but I can sleep downstairs.”
“Don’t be ridiculous Olalla, the bed is big enough for both of us. If you don’t wanna share it, I understand…but in that case I should be the one sleeping on the couch.”
“I don’t mind sharing the bed with you, I just thought…”
“Good, it’s settled then. Now let’s go take a shower,” he interrupted her matter-of-factly and pulled off his shirt. Her breath hitched as he started unbuttoning his shorts.
“What? Together?”
“We’re gonna sleep in one bed, we have no spare clothes, what difference does it make?” He tried to act nonchalantly, but there was some underlying tension building up under the surface, as if he was testing her, but losing his temper already.
“It makes a difference to me Joshua. I do…”
His face contorted in frustration and he threw his arms up in the air. “And what makes you think that I don’t? What exactly do you want? If you brought me here just as a friend, fine. I can cope with that. You obviously made some assumptions about me along the way, and you weren’t completely wrong. But the kiss…I meant it. And I think you did too, that it’s what you want, but your walls are too high. You’ve been dodging me ever since that happened, even before that, actually… Yet, here we are. I’ve been acting like an idiot too, you haven’t met me at my best, but I do like you, ok? So please, stop overthinking this and fucking tell me. Why does it make a difference to you?”
All the time, she just stood there, watching him flailing his arms around, shocked. If only it were so easy – not overthinking it. Was she really pushing him away today? She wasn’t aware of that. She wanted to touch him again. Badly. The yearning was strong, and past the point of it being purely physical. It kept frightening her.
He was wrong, though. This wasn’t really what she wanted. When she saw him for the first time, he was just another guy that she could potentially have some fun with…if he wanted. Just another handsome body to fill the void for a while. But that changed very quickly. And what the hell did he want, anyway?
“I’m scared.” She was crying now, overwhelmed by his confession as well as her over emotions.
“Of what, baby?”
I’m scared of the fact that for the first time in years, I care. And I’m scared of having to admit that, if you asked. And no matter what happens now, you’re going to leave me. I don’t know what this is yet…definitely not a date…we have no future. But I already know that I’m going to miss you.
She couldn’t say any of it aloud though.
He cupped her cheeks in his hands and looked into her eyes, searching for cues. “Do you want me to go sleep on the couch, baby? It’s ok, you know.”
“No,” she whispered. No, she couldn’t possibly let him do that. It was something in his touch. Every time he made a slightest contact with her skin, her brain short-circuited, making her mind do mental backflips. Because, screw that…If she’s going to miss him, she wants to miss everything about him. “Can you kiss me again, please?”
He barely touched her at first. Just a fleeting brush of his lips against hers. It would be almost innocent if it weren’t for the shaky exhale, almost a moan. It was controlled, and he did it on purpose. He was teasing her before he looked at her again and whispered: “Is this what you want, hm? Just a kiss?”
“You can take whatever you want.”
“I’m not going to be taking anything today, baby,” he responded, caressing her cheek in a loving way. She leaned into his touch and ran her fingertips up his bare chest, tracing his collarbones and then his jaw as she tried to commit every detail of his face in her memory. “We’re gonna take it slow, what do you think? he whispered.
“Yes…,” she whispered back.
He reached for the hem of her tank top, motioning her to lift her arms up, which she was reluctant to do.
“I stink like a pig,” she sniffed, but a soft smile was already forming on her lips.
“You smell divine, my dear.” He kissed her again, this time with more passion. They stood there for a while, reveling in their newly found intimity, licking and moaning into each other’s mouths. He cupped her bare breast in his hand, running his fingers along her nipple before he bowed down to do the same thing with his tongue. She tilted her head back. “Joshua…”
“Yeah,” he muttered with her nipple still in his mouth.
“I’d really like to shower first…” He smiled against her skin and straightened up. He took her hand, grabbed the towels with the other and led her into the bathroom.
He did as he promised, and took it slow. They took off the rest of their clothes and stepped in the shower together. She unbraided his hair, helped him disentable the dreadlock beads from his hair, before she started rubbing shampoo into his curls. “Coconut ice-cream again?” he chuckled softly. She smiled back. “I told you I take care of the supplies. That includes my supplies. I get a wholesale discount for this.”
“You’re a hell of a housekeeper,” he laughed.
When they got back to the bedroom, she just turned off the lights and climbed in bed. He followed suit. They cuddled at first and explored their bodies in the darkness. Listening to his heavy breath was intoxicating. The silky softness of her skin, in contrast with her calloused palms, moved him in a way he never expected. But as soon as their kisses deepened and his cock hardened, they couldn’t wait any longer. She cupped his balls and kneaded them gently, making him whimper.
“I need to feel you,” he whispered.
“Come inside then.”
“What a nice way to put it,” he chuckled against her shoulder. “How do you want me?”
“Spoon me.”
“Alright.”
She turned on her side and he positioned himself, pushing in slowly. He tried to do everything slowly, but it became almost unbearable after a while, and when she whispered “more,” he quickened his pace. He wanted to do just what she asked for, and just listening to her reactions was making him lose his mind. So, when she whimpered “tough me more,” he was delighted to oblige. He grabbed her leg and lifted it up, resting her shin against his knee. His hand sneaked down her thigh until he found that precious little button. It didn’t take long and he soon felt her contracting around him. He diligently took her there, pushed her over the edge with one last flick of his finger and held her tight while she reached the dizzy heights and then came back to him.
It took her a while to realize that he had stopped completely. “Joshua…go on…” Her voice was like a jingle bell, feeble and high and a little breathy.
“Shhh, just let me savor the moment, it’s ok” he murmured into her hair. She exhaled heavily and relaxed as the fatigue threatened to overcome both her mind and body at last. With their limbs still intertwined and their bodies still connected, she felt his chest rise and fall against her back. It was getting cold in the room. He moved just a little to grab a blanket, threw it over both of them and buried his face in her hair again. Almost involuntarily, he moved his hips just a little a few times and whimpered weakly, still chasing the feeling before he finally stopped. “Get some rest, sweet Olalla,” he whispered and his fingertips stroked the baby hair that covered her temple. She fell asleep before he got limp, feeling both peaceful and full.
The sun emerged from behind the clouds and its morning rays hit Josh straight in the face, waking him. He was a bit disoriented at first. He also had a painful erection.
The planks on the ceiling looked just like those in his attic room, but the light coming from the outside, as well as the smell of new wood and furniture were different…then he remembered.
Her side of the bed was empty and cold and no sounds were coming from below. That made him start…only to notice a piece of paper with a quickly scribbled message placed carefully on her pillow.
I had to go back to Eulalia, but I will be back VERY soon with some clean clothes and breakfast. Feel free to make yourself some coffee.
He checked his phone on the nightstand to see what time it was, only to find it dead. Perfect, so she was keeping him hostage now.
That made him huff. He had no idea what time it was, but he had faith in her, so…first things first. He had to take care of himself. He wrapped his fingers around his hard-on and started stroking himself. It was slow at first, but he soon became impatient. All the pent-up energy, all the emotional whiplash he experienced recently, all the hurt and newly found pleasures…he needed to release the tension that had only intensified the night before.
For the first time in months, he didn’t picture Christopher’s mouth enveloping the tip of his hard dick while he was pumping himself. The events of the previous night occupied his mind instead. He enjoyed sex with women, but it had been a couple years now…and to be honest, it had never infiltrated his deepest fantasies…until now. He just couldn’t help it now. He could feel it again – her tight walls, smooth like velvet, warm and tight…but not too tight. Different.
The way she moaned with each thrust; it was so melodic. So sincere. All the hurt she had tried to hide, it seeped out of the pores of her silken skin and evaporated in the air above them. He made her feel better. She made him feel better.
He closed his eyes and he could see her face clearly again, as if it was tattooed on the inner surface of his eyelids. He thought about their first kiss as he twisted his wrist, stroking the head of his cock in a circular motion. The electricity when the tip of her tongue met with his was real. It made him moan loudly and his heart started to beat faster. He was getting close already.
He ran his second hand past his abdomen to cup his balls, kneading them gently just like she had done yesterday. He longed for her to do it again, but right now he had to get this over with so they wouldn't burst. A few more strokes – together with a memory of her dark ponytail flailing in the wind – before spurts of his cum landed on his belly and chest.
The hurt he had felt – it somehow ceased to matter the very moment she decided to try to make it go away without even asking what he had done to feel that way. Her whole being left an imprint on him. Her teary eyes, her ringing laugh, the softness of her skin and her calloused hands. His vision of her was not purely sexual, but it made him emotional. She was a born caretaker, who – for some reason – chose to live without love. He couldn’t forget the way she was looking at him the night he gave her the pendant. Like deer in headlights. She begged to be seen, yet she was trying to make herself invisible. He became convinced that he had to fix it.
Again. He hadn’t learned a single thing…
He lay there for a while with his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of warm sun rays on his skin, but the relief he had sought was short-lived and he started to feel on edge once again. Groaning in annoyance as his release on his stomach started to get crusty, he finally scrambled out of bed and trudged over to the bathroom.
The quick shower he took to clean himself did not make him feel more relaxed, on the contrary. It once again reminded him of last night. He lathered up a drop of the coconut shower gel between his hands to wash his torso with it and the smell only made him dizzy. He needed her.
He wandered naked around the chalet, searching through empty drawers for a compatible charger, knowing too well it was futile. He made himself a coffee and then just let it get cold on the table. He opened a bottle of beer, took two sips and then just held the cold bottle on his forehead while he sat sprawled on the couch. He started gnawing on his lower lip out of impatience when he finally heard a key in the lock and his eyes snapped open.
She was beautiful, with her long dark locks just hanging down this time. She was wearing a white madeira sundress and flip flops. He had never seen her like this.
“I’m SO sorry, it took a little longer than I expected, I hope you didn’t…oh!”
At first she thought he was angry, the way he leaped from the couch and darted towards her, with that look on his face. She instinctively backed away, but he just took the bags she was holding, put them on the table and literally pounced on her, grabbing her sides and making her stumble backwards and collide with the wooden door.
“Joshua! Wait a second,” she bursted out, grabbing his shoulders in an attempt to regain her balance. He disregarded her feeble resistance, grabbed her wrists and pinned them against the door at both sides of her head.
“For what exactly? I’ve waited for hours. Now I don’t need to anymore. I think I”m going to take what I want after all,” he grunted against the soft skin right below her earlobe and pushed his leg between her things. “And don’t tell me you dressed like this to make me wanna hold your hand again, so don’t play coy,” he added, while licking a long stripe from her collarbone back up to her earlobe, earning a high pitched moan when he bit it. Her heart started beating wildly, sending tingling waves of arousal throughout her whole body. He was already rock hard, rutting against her pelvic bone.
“Aren’t you hungry?” she whimpered, nodding towards the table. She was referring to the food she brought, but they both knew she was teasing him with double meaning. She arched a little, pressing her still clothed pussy down on him a bit more. It was exhilarating to feel his hands tightening around her forearms, digging his fingernails in her flesh. He looked at her, nostrils flaring, and she reciprocated with intense glare.
“I’m starving. Feed me.” He let go of her arms, grabbed her jaw instead to force her mouth open and licked into it, claiming it. Her own hands immediately travelled up his back, kneading his tight flesh in a sudden frenzy, pulling him even closer to her chest.
Still locked in a searing kiss, he turned her around and they slowly made their way towards the couch. When her calves collided with it, he just pushed her down and kneeled in front of her, pushing the hem of her dress up to her waist with one swift motion. She had no panties on, which made grin like a madman, shaking his head with a mischievous “tsk”.
With just his fingertips, he pushed her thighs further apart and licked his lips absentmindedly, seeing her in all her glory for the very first time. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, while the same fingertips travelled further up her inner thighs until his thumb brushed gently against her clit, sending a jolt of electricity up her spine.
She moaned melodically and he hummed in unison with her. “You said you liked my singing?”
The question brought her back to earth and she looked down at him in confusion. “You want to sing to me now?”
He locked his eyes with her and they gleamed with mischief as he brushed his cheek against her inner thigh and planted a soft kiss on her labia. “Uh huh.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just this…” he whispered, pressed the tip of his tongue on her exposed bud and really, really started singing…
He had to push her abdomen down with his hand to keep her steady as her whole body twitched in shock, her hands frantically grabbing at the pillows around her. He had her moaning loudly in no time. She had never held any man’s head between her legs, but she entangled her fingers in his curls almost involuntarily, in fear that he would stop. He hummed in approval and quickened the vibrations of his tongue even more and she cried out, eyes open wide. He slowed down a bit when her legs started shaking, enveloped her clit with his lips and started sucking on it gently. That was a terrible mistake, because instead of prolonging the experience, it pushed her over the edge immediately.
She watched him in a haze as he emerged from between her legs and hovered above her, his facial hair completely wet. She immediately reached out to wipe it off with her palm, but he grabbed her wrist and smiled devilishly. “Leave it!” It sent her mind reeling.
“What is it, baby? You look completely ruined,” he crooned maliciously.
“Oh god, Joshua, just shut up and fuck me!” she exclaimed impatiently, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him closer.
“Oooh, I will!” he bit his lip and shook his head maliciously. Before she could react, he buried his dick in her to the hilt. They both groaned loudly, exchanging a quick look. He swallowed audibly and rested his forehead between her breasts. “Your body’s made of silk, baby,” he murmured against her skin. “It’s driving me nuts.”
She clenched around him deliberately, making him groan again. “Don’t get too sentimental now. I’m not ruined enough yet!”
“Dear lady, you’re a beast,” he whimpered through his teeth and straightened up. “As you wish.” He grabbed her hips and started thrusting into her with an unexpected force.
She watched him, mesmerized. She literally saw him in a completely new light now. His parted lips, his furrowed brow. Just seeing him like that was an intensively sensual experience, and it turned her on even more. She could soon feel another orgasm building deep inside her low abdomen. It was becoming almost overwhelming and she grabbed his upper arms to steady herself, digging her fingernail into his skin. That did it for him and his movements became erratic. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to regain control over his bbody, but she clenched around him again and hissed: “Go on. Fill me up!”
With a few last spasmic thrusts and a long, high-pitched moan, he did, taking her with him one more time. They collapsed together on the couch, breathing heavily.
“Joshua?”
“Yeah?
“I like you too.”
He didn’t say anything, just pulled her even closer to him and kissed her forehead lovingly.
“What do you think is going to happen now?”
“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully, stroking her hair “but literally anything’s possible. Let’s not worry about it now.”
“I assume you can’t stay longer, can you?”
“No, I’m afraid I can’t. But we still have a week. Let’s make it the time of our lives.”
And they started immediately. The weather was capricious that day. The morning sun soon hid behind the clouds and heavy shower rains kept drumming on the roof. It was a perfect day for ceaseless fucking. It was as if nature played along. Once they got the taste of each other, they just couldn’t stop.
They fucked three more times that afternoon. At first he bent her over the dining table right after lunch. It was animalistic and quick and she feared she’d leave scratch marks on the wooden table as she cried out with each violent thrust against her cervix. His hands on her hips were gentle though, kneading her flesh like velvet cushions, the pressure of his fingers on her skin more aggressive only when he came.
The second time was slow and gentle, as they lay in bed under the roof. Rain kept falling as he showered her with kisses.
They lay there for another half an hour before they concluded it was finally time to take another shower. That’s where he pressed her against the tiles and filled her with his seed one more time.
The day wasn’t over yet, but it was time to go back, so they cleaned up the chalet, got dressed, packed their things and soon were on their way back, arriving at Eulalia before supper.
Maya greeted them at the reception with a smile, but something was off. She was all smiles and giggles when she and Agnueszka talked briefly earlier that day. She looked almost apprehensive now.
“I need to talk to you,” she hissed at Agnieszka in Polish after Josh excused himself and ran up the stairs to his room.
“Can it wait?”
“No, I’m afraid it can’t.
“Well, it will have to. We’re going out soon in half an hour. You promised me. I’ll be back in the kitchen tomorrow morning.”
“Olalla!”
“See you in the moooorning,” Agnieszka trilled over her shoulder, already on her way up.
Back in her room, she checked her phone briefly, only to notice she had a whatsapp message from Bartek. It was a link to some article one of his buddies allegedly found somewhere. She opened it and gasped in shock.
Josh knocked on her door ten minutes later. He definitely did not expect her to open it with teary eyes.
“What happened,” he frowned.
She showed him the screen and he went pale immediately. “OK, let me explain.”
“Yeah, you do that…and while you’re at it, feel free to introduce yourself, because clearly, I don’t know you…”
Give me all your true hate and I'll translate it in your bed
Into never seen passion
That is why I am so mad about you
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I made the mistake of rewatching Sherlock because I never did finish it back in the day (I was -clenches fist- seething over the queerbaiting and rage quit after not fully watching episode 1 of s4) and I'm here to make my side hyperfixation (what year is this??? Who am I???) Tumblr's problem. The more I sit with s4, the less I like it 😂 There were pieces and elements I liked, but overall, it left a bad taste in my mouth. Forgive me if any or all if these points have been talked to death, I missed all the discourse and I'm hella late, but I need to flail and send my thoughts into the void because what even WAS that season? I can't believe I avoided it for years, got drawn in by a couple of tiktoks making fun (affectionately) of superwholock Era and That Scene about the fucking phone charger port, binged all of it, only to be left with..... that. Not nearly as disappointing or rage inducing as spn's ending but by God, did it leave a hole in me. So please ignore my rambling thoughts as I slap them down here for my own sanity.
• First and foremost, what - and I can't stress this enough - the fuck was UP with the assassination of John's entire character???? What was that??? Why????
• Related to that point - I can appreciate the angst point and potential it provides, as I'm reading many, many fics, but AYO WHY didn't anyone rip John an entire new one for that beat down he did on Sherlock????? Hello???? 911?????
• Tell me why everything felt so stilted and borderline icy. Like I get the high emotions and shit, but after a certain point... 😭 was there a falling out between Benedict and Martin that I'm not aware of? Did they just try to ungay everything so hard and were so pissed at the audience picking up everything THAT THEY PUT???? into this show and their interactions that they just hit the brakes hard enough to make everything feel weird???
• A lot of it felt weird. Off kilter a little. Forced in some places, toned down in others (and toned down where it shouldn't have been), a nod to ships but weirdly/hatefully??? Idk if that makes sense. Like the whole Sherlock and Molly phone call (I do not mean any hate to this ship, I really hope it doesn't come off this way. Not my cup of tea but you are valid). Why was Molly so upset BEFORE the call? Did I miss something? Also I don't personally think or feel she'd still have those feelings for him??? I??? I am bamboozled.
• to that whole point, Eurus was.... Hmm. Mmmm. She was. Something. (Confused derogatory)
• I like Mary as a character. I also hated her. (Definitely biased by my shipper trash ass self for johnlock, I'm sorry). Wtf were those messages, please. Edit: AND ANOTHER THING. John's reaction to Sherlock's death - awful, gut wrenching, beautiful, my heart breaks with and for him, utterly devasting. John's reaction to Mary's death - had me sitting there like🧍♀️(it was weird. so weird. awkward. w h y. (we know why, but also the acting choices were Something TM, in both cases! for different reasons!) i'm sorry i just can't get past my anger and put off-ness with mary, fun as she could be)
• why did mycroft and John switch roles 😭 pls. The last episode was just. So Much. The lackluster responses from John, to John, to Sherlock, between them, like.... hello???? Who are these people?? Help me. Moriarty saved me for a brief shining moment tho, God bless.
There's more I could spew, but that's what's sitting right at the top of my head. I guess all this just to say, if a show runner/writer really just fucking hates the audience they got (instead of the one they wanted), they probably shouldn't have fucking become a show runner/writer in the first place. Either hand it to someone who can actually handle it and listens, or fuck off. I will never understand when shows and plots and characters gets kamikaze'd because of a show runner being pissy and egotistical. Like ????? Grow up. Learn from Bryan Fuller and Hannibal or something.
Sorry for all the rambling, bless anyone who reads this and makes sense of it 😂
#sherlock#bbc sherlock#sherlock holmes#john watson#johnlock#season 4#s4#steven moffat#mark gatiss#yo wtf#rambling thoughts#ranting#rip me
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Tangled In My Soul {JB22}
500 Follower Special!!!
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Summary: Y/N struggled with feelings of loneliness and public scrutiny while waiting for Jenson, but during their drive home, he reassured her of his love and commitment. They spent the evening reconnecting emotionally and physically, finding solace and happiness in each other's presence.
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Y/N was sitting in the car park outside of the Sky Studios where Jenson had been working all week when he got out of the building and walked towards the car. He had been gone since Monday morning and they hadn't really spoken much over the weekend, it had been hectic with him traveling up north to see his family and then having to go back down south for work again.
She could feel herself getting more and more angry every day that went past, especially since she knew he would be talking about her on the television. She didn't like hearing other people talk about her behind closed doors let alone millions of people watching her live. She knew it was something he couldn't avoid but it still hurt.
She tried not to take it personally but sometimes it was hard, she wasn't used to this kind of attention. She wasn't even sure if she wanted this kind of attention.
Jenson sat next to her and kissed her cheek before opening the door for her. They both climbed into the car and buckled up before starting their drive home. It was always so quiet during these drives.
“How did it go today?” Y/N asked breaking the silence between them.
“Fine, just another day at the office.” Jenson replied looking over at her. “How have you been?”
“I've been fine thanks. I’ve missed you.” Y/N said giving him a smile and leaning over to kiss his lips softly. He smiled back and placed his hand on top of hers.
They carried on driving in silence for a few minutes until Jenson spoke again. “I know it’s been hard this week and I’m sorry for leaving you alone for so long, we don’t get many chances to spend time together anymore.” He looked over at her again. “And I know it’s difficult to hear everyone talking about you all the time, it must be hard.”
“It’s okay Jens, you can't help it. It’s your job after all. But I do miss spending time with you.” Y/N gave him a little smile.
“I know you do. We should go somewhere nice soon, get away from everything and relax. Maybe we could even try and make some memories.” Jenson smiled back at her and turned his head to look ahead onto the road.
Y/N nodded but didn’t say anything else, she could feel her eyes starting to fill with tears. She didn’t want to cry in front of Jenson but she also felt like she needed to let it out, she was just so upset.
“Hey what’s wrong? Are you ok?” Jenson reached across the seat and placed his hand on her thigh, rubbing it gently.
Y/N sniffed trying to fight back the tears. “I-it’s nothing I’m just a bit sad that’s all.” Her voice cracked as she spoke.
“Don’t cry please, it’ll only make things worse. You can tell me what’s going on, I won’t judge you.” Jenson squeezed her thigh slightly, trying to reassure her.
Y/N wiped the tears away from her face and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. “I’m just tired of people making fun of me all the time, saying things about us because of our age difference and that I'm only here because of who you are. It hurts me, it hurts me so much. I love you and I know you love me too but I just wish people would stop hurting me like this.”
Jenson pulled over to the side of the road and put his hand around her waist, pulling her closer to him. “Listen to me Y/N, I need you to listen to me very carefully.”
“Yes, yes.” Y/N sniffed again and wiped the last remaining tears away.
“I love you more than anything else in this world, you mean everything to me. I would do anything for you. And I know what it feels like to have people say bad things about you all the time, I know how it makes you feel. So trust me when I say that those people don't matter, they are nothing compared to what we have.” Jenson stroked her hair and ran his thumb along the back of her neck. “I know it’s hard but you can't let them get to you, you have to ignore them or else they will win.”
Y/N nodded slowly, taking in everything he said. “But I just want people to like me, I want them to accept me and understand why we are together.”
“That’s not going to happen anytime soon Y/N, no matter what happens or what you do people will always find something to say about us. Even if we were perfect they would still find something.” Jenson kissed the top of her head and rested his chin on top of it. “So please stop worrying about what other people think about us, focus on what matters most; us.”
“But I'm scared of losing you Jens, I don’t want you to leave me.” Y/N buried her face into his chest and wrapped her arms around him.
“Oh darling, you will never lose me. You are the most important thing in my life right now and I wouldn’t ever dream of leaving you, you mean too much to me for that.” Jenson rubbed her back soothingly. “I promise I will never leave you, you are stuck with me forever.” He laughed lightly and kissed her forehead.
Y/N lifted her head off his chest and smiled at him, “I love you Jens.”
“I love you too, my angel.” He smiled back at her and leaned forward to kiss her lips. Their lips moved against each other softly and lovingly as they enjoyed the moment. After a while they broke apart and Jenson started the engine again.
“We should probably get going, we don’t want to be late for dinner tonight.”
“Yeah, I’m hungry.” Y/N grinned and snuggled up close to him as he started driving again.
They drove back home in silence but it wasn’t awkward this time. There was no tension between them, just pure happiness and contentment.
* * *
When they arrived back at their house they went straight through to the kitchen and started cooking dinner together. Jenson was making spaghetti bolognese while Y/N was making garlic bread. It was one of their favorite meals to cook together, they both loved Italian food and it was easy enough for either of them to make.
They chatted happily as they cooked, sharing stories about their days and laughing together. They both enjoyed spending time together like this, it was rare for them both to have free time at the same time so when they did they made the most of it.
After finishing their meal they cleaned up the dishes and then headed upstairs to their bedroom. They changed into their pajamas and climbed into bed together under the covers. They lay facing each other on opposite sides of the mattress and held hands tightly as they watched TV.
Jenson turns and looks at Y/N, his eyes memorizing every detail about the woman who has held him captivated in every waking moment since they met. Y/N looks up and blushes at the attention. "What are you staring at?" she whispered.
Jenson smiles and reaches over to run his fingers through her hair. "My beautiful girl," he murmurs. "I am simply admiring my favorite view."
Y/N blushes deeper and leans into his touch. "Are you going to stare at me all night?" she teases.
Jenson laughs and shakes his head. "No, my dear," he replies. "There is something else I intend to do instead."
Y/N arches an eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah? What might that be?"
Jenson grins mischievously and sits up. He moves over to sit beside her and begins to undress her. "Well," he says, "I want to show you exactly how much you mean to me."
Y/N watches as he removes her clothes, leaving her in nothing but her panties and bra. He runs his hands over her body, caressing her skin and causing goosebumps to rise on her skin. She shivers with pleasure. "You're so beautiful," he whispers.
Y/N smiles and leans into his touch. "Thank you," she breathes. "You're not so bad yourself."
Jenson laughs and pulls her close, pressing his lips against hers in a passionate kiss. His tongue dances with hers, exploring every inch of her mouth. Y/N moans into his mouth, her body responding to his touch.
Jenson breaks the kiss and looks down at her, smiling. "You're absolutely stunning," he murmurs. "And I'm going to treat you like the queen that you are."
Y/N blushes and looks down, feeling shy. "Thank you," she whispers.
Jenson kisses her forehead before he began his descent below, kneeling between Y/N's spread legs. He leans down and presses his lips against her clit, flicking it with his tongue. Y/N gasps and arches her back, pushing her hips up against his mouth.
Jenson chuckles and continues licking her, using his hands to massage her breasts. Y/N moans louder, her breathing becoming ragged. "Oh god," she pants. "Jensen... fuck!"
Jenson starts sucking harder on her clit and massaging her breasts more forcefully. Y/N cries out and wraps her legs around his head, holding him against her. "I'm gonna cum," she gasps. "Oh god, I'm gonna cum!"
Jensen continues pleasuring her, his tongue working furiously as he brings her to orgasm. Y/N screams as she cums, her juices flowing freely onto his tongue.
He climbs back onto the bed and straddles Y/N, pressing his cock against her entrance. "Ready?" he asks.
Y/N nods and spreads her legs wider, inviting him inside her. Jenson pushes himself into her wet heat, groaning as he fills her completely. "Darling I don't think I'll ever get over this feeling."
Y/N gasps and wraps her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder. "Mmm," she moans. "That feels so good."
Jenson smiles, "Yeah?' as he slowly drags his cock in and out of her tight pussy. "You're so fucking beautiful," he grunts. "You feel amazing."
He wanted to take her apart slowly.
He wanted her to be able to remember this night forever.
He wanted to make sure that she remembered that she was his. That she belonged to him, and only him.
Tonight was about making love. Not fucking.
Jenson pushed himself in and out of Y/N's wetness, moving faster as she began to moan and writhe beneath him. He leaned down and captured her lips in a searing kiss, his tongue dancing with hers as he continued thrusting into her.
"Fuck," she gasped. "You feel so good."
Jenson smiled against her lips, "Good?" He asked, before kissing her again. "I thought you were going to say something better than that."
"You're being ridiculous." Y/N pouted.
"Am I?" Jenson raised an eyebrow. "Do you want me to prove it?" He asked, smirking.
"Prove it? Prove what?" Y/N frowned.
Jensen laughed, "That you're not the only one who can give you orgasms." He leaned down and sucked on her nipple, his hands gripping her hips as he continued pumping into her.
Y/N cried out, her head falling back against the pillow. "Oh god, Jens..."
"Shh," Jenson soothed, kissing her throat as he thrust harder. "Just enjoy it baby."
Y/N moaned and threw her head back, arching her back as she welcomed him inside her. "Harder!" She cried. "Please!"
Jenson complied, pounding into her with renewed vigor. He could feel her walls clenching around his cock, squeezing him tightly. "That's it, baby..." He growled. "Take it all!"
He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her deeply. Y/N moaned into his mouth as he began thrusting into her harder and faster. He gripped her hips tightly and pounded into her relentlessly, his balls slapping against her ass.
Y/N cried out as the pressure built inside her, her walls contracting around his shaft. She came hard, screaming his name as her juices flowed out onto his cock. Jenson groaned and continued thrusting into her, drawing out her orgasm. Jenson slowed his pace, allowing her to recover before finally pulling out of her.
Finally, he released her hips and collapsed onto the bed, panting heavily. Y/N lay beside him, trembling and covered in sweat. He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly as they recovered from their intense session.
"Wow," Y/N said, finally able to speak again. "That was incredible."
Jensen chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, "but we're not done yet." He rolled over and pinned her to the bed, looking down at her hungrily.
"What do you mean?" Y/N asked, surprised.
Jensen grinned, "I mean that I'm not finished with you yet. I plan on showing you all night just how much I love you." He lowered his head and kissed her collarbone, then trailed his tongue down her stomach. He paused to nip at her navel before continuing further down.
Y/N gasped as his mouth found its way to her core. His tongue flicked over her clit, sending delicious waves of pleasure through her body. She arched her back, pushing herself against his mouth.
Jensen chuckled against her skin and continued eating her out, alternating between licking and sucking her clit. He slid a finger inside her, pumping it in and out slowly as he worked on bringing her to climax.
Y/N moaned and writhed beneath him, her hands gripping the sheets tightly. "Oh god..." She whimpered. "Don't stop... please don't stop!"
Jensen chuckled again, "As if I would ever stop," he murmured against her skin. He added another finger, scissoring them inside her as he licked her clit faster and harder.
Y/N screamed as she came, her walls contracting tightly around his fingers. Jenson groaned and continued pleasuring her, drawing out her orgasm as he brought her to climax once again.
Finally, he removed his fingers and crawled up her body, positioning himself above her. "Now," he said, "let's finish what we started earlier." He leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss.
Y/N moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close. Jenson smiled against her lips and began thrusting into her again.
"My darling, you will never be unloved by me. You are too well tangled with my soul." Jenson said as he slowly thrusted in and out of Y/N, looking down at her with adoration. "You are my sunflower."
Y/N smiled at him, "And you are mine," she murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss.
Jensen smiled against her lips, "Of course I am," he murmured, "I'll always be yours."
They kissed passionately for several minutes before breaking apart to catch their breath. Y/N smiled up at him, "I love you so much, Jens."
Jenson smiled back at her, "And I love you more than anything, my darling." He leaned down and kissed her again, slower this time.
Y/N sighed contentedly, "That was amazing." She murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder.
Jenson chuckled, "I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, "but we're not done yet." He leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss.
Y/N moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close. Jenson smiled against her lips and began thrusting into her again, picking up where they left off.
They fucked for hours, pausing only to catch their breath before resuming their passionate lovemaking. Finally, they collapsed onto the bed, exhausted but satisfied. Jenson wrapped his arms around Y/N and held her close, kissing her forehead tenderly.
"I love you," he whispered. "More than anything in the world."
Y/N smiled up at him, "And I love you too," she murmured, "more than words can express."
Jenson smiled back at her, "Goodnight, my darling." He whispered. "Sleep tight."
Y/N yawned sleepily and snuggled up against him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. "Goodnight," she murmured. "Sweet dreams."
Jenson chuckled and kissed her forehead, "Sweet dreams indeed," he whispered. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of their perfect future together.
* * *
Bonus; Y/N woke up the next morning to the sound of birds chirping outside her window. She stretched languidly, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight streaming in through the windows.
She glanced over at Jenson, who was still asleep beside her. She smiled and leaned over to kiss him gently on the cheek.
Jenson stirred and opened his eyes, smiling at her. "Good morning," he said sleepily.
Y/N snuggled closer to him, savoring the peaceful moment. "Good morning," she whispered back. "Did you sleep well?"
Jenson nodded, wrapping his arm around her. "Yeah, I did. How about you?"
"Perfectly," she replied, resting her head on his chest. "I love waking up next to you."
He kissed the top of her head. "Me too."
The two of them lay there for a few more minutes, enjoying the tranquility before the day fully began. Eventually, Y/N sighed and sat up, looking down at Jenson with a playful grin. "What do you want for breakfast?"
Jenson chuckled. "Surprise me."
Y/N got out of bed and padded to the kitchen, her mind buzzing with possibilities. She decided to make pancakes, knowing they were one of Jenson's favorites. As she whisked the batter, she hummed softly, feeling a sense of contentment she hadn't felt in a long time.
Jenson joined her a little while later, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "Smells amazing," he murmured into her ear.
She turned her head to kiss him on the cheek. "Almost ready. Can you set the table?"
"Of course," he replied, grabbing the plates and cutlery.
They worked together seamlessly, the kitchen filled with the sounds of laughter and the clinking of dishes. As they sat down to eat, Y/N felt a surge of happiness, grateful for the simple yet perfect moments like these.
After breakfast, they decided to take a walk in the park. The fresh air and the vibrant colors of spring invigorated them. They held hands, talking about everything and nothing, enjoying each other's company.
When they returned home, Jenson pulled Y/N close and looked into her eyes. "I don't know what the future holds," he said softly, "but as long as we're together, I know it'll be amazing."
Y/N's heart swelled with love. "I feel the same way," she said, kissing him deeply. "Here's to many more mornings like this."
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JB22 Taglist: @tallrock35, @yourbane, @lightdragonrayne, @evie-119, @asparklysoul, @miarabanana
F1 Taglist: @hiireadstuff, @really-fucking-tired, @donteventry-itdude, @spookystitchery
#jb22#jb22 x reader#jenson button#jenson button instagram au#jenson button x you#jenson button x reader#jenson button imagine#jensen button#jenson button x black!reader#x black fem reader#x black!fem!reader#x reader#x black!reader#formula 1#x black reader#formula one fanfiction#formula 1 fanfic#mclaren formula 1#formula one#formula one x reader#formula one imagine#formula one x you#formula one x y/n#formula one x oc#formula one x black reader#formula 1 imagine#formula 1 x reader#formula 1 fic#formula 1 x you#f1 2024
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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Oh hello 3am existential crisis. Haven't seen you around in a while...can't say I missed you.
#i don't understand how i can feel so alone and so isolated while also having a number of good friends#all of whom im a little in love with in different ways#how can you love so many people so much and still feel lonely?#is it because of all my friends only one is in brickspace and i rarely even get to see her?#i know my lack of physical contact is rather alarming (i get one or two hugs a month if I'm lucky.)#(and even casual non accidental touches are rare. i get maybe one of those a week.)#is that why i feel so alone and isolated? the lack of physical connection?#i wish i had a friend i could move in with. i wish loving people didn't hurt so much.#i wish i could believe the sentiment that all relationships are important and that platonic love isn't lesser than romantic just different#but ive yet to actually see that be true. i feel like ill never be someone's most important person. or even 6th most important.#im just so fucking tired#of everything.#is it me? am i off putting? do i do things unintentionally that keep people at a distance? what am i doing wrong? why can't I connect?#i KNOW im not broken for being autistic or ace or aro etc etc but fuck if I don't feel broken most of the time#fucking hell#definitely time for bed#i bet these feelings are being exacerbated by pmdd just like my fibro and my stomach and my sleep#doesn't make the feelings any less upsetting#fox thoughts#☉
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i have 7 assignments, total, left in school. once i finish those i'm going to be done- i graduate in may which is WILD to think about. i just have to fucking do them
#im not getting anything done today so far and its like. midway through the afternoon already#and i realized how close i am to graduating and how i have no idea what comes after that and now im just kind of directionlessly panicked#which is. really helping the situation as you could imagine /s#im really close to finishing a couple of things rn. could get at least one done today#i REALLY need to get to work on my essay bc that largely determines whether i get honours and im pretty behind schedule on it#and i havent looked at at least one final assn and i do NOT have much time left to start it. its not small#theres barely any time left in the semester at all#i just need to finish Smth today#levi.txt#i cant make myself do anything and im panicked abt that which makes it impossible to do anything#and taking breaks makes me feel guilty AND panicked so i cant even reset w a short break and come back#my parents Consistent response to my anxiety has been. poor at best. and they dont believe i have adhd at all#so if i talk to them abt either of those things they get upset w me and claim i just dont want to take their 'advice' so i cant be helped#and the advice is shit like 'dont feel that way' and 'simply go do your work'#like. i talked to my mom abt how stressed i feel bc im behind and her response was basically 'thats what you get for falling behind'#i havent seen my friends in a while either or at least not in an environment where we can actually hang out and talk#idk man. i just really wish i could stay in bed and watch a show and not feel sick bc of how anxious i am abt it all#i want to write again. i miss it a lot i havent been able to write in months now
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I found this Twitter thread discussing Reimu and Autistic traits quite interesting. As someone both with Autism and in the process of getting my master's degree in clinical psych, I both found it relatable and think the OP made a lot of good points in their analysis (though I will note that you can't really diagnosis a fictional character but it's all for fun). So I thought I'd share it.
#beyond the border ~ ooc#They mention later that some folks on Reddit accused them of cherry picking information but in my opinion with how Reimu has been depicted#Across over a dozen games and a dozen manga where ZUN ... tends to be (intentionally according to interviews) inconsistent with how he#Depicts Reimu you kind of have to look at specific instances if you want to assign Reimu much of any character at all#And really the stuff they highlight (such as Reimu seeming to have AP issues) are WAY more consistent than most other traits for Reimu#As someone with Autism I picked up on a lot of those littler traits as I iconned the different mangas but since that's been over a drawn#Out time it never really clicked all together until I saw it laid out in this thread#I'd notice things and be like 'wow that really feels like an Autistic life experience to me' but then just kinda move on but seeing it all#I would say it definitely fits (of course my interpretation of Reimu always has been Autistic but most of my muses kinda are because I am)#Honestly what I found most interesting was them pointing out Reimu's insistence on keeping her upper arms/shoulders uncovered in every#Outfit which is a feeling I can deeply relate to#I highly favor shorts even in inappropriate weather because I strongly dislike stuff touching my lower legs#Also the point about how much Reimu loves reading is something I had not caught before but it's honestly quite interesting#Though it makes me think. With how much interest she's shown in detective mysteries in FS and WaHH I'm shocked they didn't have her be more#Involved in the opening mystery of FDS. You'd think she would have been all over there. She and Satori could have even slightly bonded over#Having detective interests (and the fact that Satori is IMO probably the strongest Autistic coded character in the series)#Though honestly when you consider the idea that Reimu could be Autistic it makes sense why she seemingly uncharacteristically cries so much#At the thought of her shrine being threatened. Being very defensive of special places and getting more upset than would be warranted over#One being threatened is a very common trait and I find that quite interesting to think about
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it's that time of the night where I want to have a nice fancy burger. maybe it's just like. oogh need carbs need meat need the happy chemicals from food that doesn't make me want to off myself or that it's been like ten hours since I last ate
#I feel like there's about five different things preventing me from truly feeling good about eating#one of them's health related one's mental illness related the main one as I often bemoan#I live with a grandmother who thinks that hashbrowns/chicken soup/peas/cornflakes as a casserole sounds good#and will get incredibly rude and nasty if you dare not want her cooking#that is either Bad to mediocre served at the wrong time (think six o'clock when we don't get home til eight) or when neither of us#are hungry due to medication side effects or just because the food is Evil#I know I can talk my cooking is fairly bad and possibly dangerous#but. the horror that is her sweet and sour sauce recipes. her curry. her casseroles.#the meal that was grey unidentifiable mince served with microwaved potato and gravy that genuinely looked#like the hospital food we still make fun of four years later because it looked like actual slimy shits.#and then we discovered that I dodged a massive bullet by immediately spitting it out since it was a week expired when it was cooked#and the freezer had done it no favours. yeah the 'mysterious' stomach upset that I avoided was Food Poisoning.#yeah like when we can't even guarantee ingredients won't be used in those sorts of horrors (and genuinely they are horrors)#it's fairly difficult to ensure that you're gonna eat. not only well in the technical sense but things you like and enjoy
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yesterday was. a lot
#was sick on saturday right. slept from 4pm to 10am the next day#had a convo with my sister that turned south#and because of the weather being awful my SAD combined with that and sente into a depressive episode#had a breakdown over my relationship with my family and their (not. great acceptance/treatment of my autism)#cried for hours until my mum and dad sat down to have a talk#i vented stuff i have wanted to say for like. 2 years now. both understood and talked to my siblings about it#brothet completely understood#think my sister kinda understands#which is better than i expected because i was fully prepared for her to just. not give a fuck because i have trouble communicating with her#and now i feel kind of better?#i did. purge a fuckton of motorsport stuff from my blog because it was related to the conversation we had#but was one of many many many things that compiled into a very uncomfortable atmosphere for me in house#my mum is gonna try harder not to use the r slur which is a relief. my sister has agreed not to make fun of me when i do hear it#and become upset about it. they understand why i am upset about specific people they support and talk about in front of me#and i made sure to let them know i understand that they have diff opinions on people who have said hurtful things about disabled people#because they none of them will ever come from a place where those words hurt them#but still let them know how that affects my.... i dont wanna say trust? like my comfort in being autistic vs masking with them#which ive often been forced into doing and am still unlearning#most importantly theyve now accepted that i am autistic#that my diagnosis was not officially completed/given because the doctor advised against it. because it makes things way harder#really im just happy that i wont get comments from my sister about not actually being what i claim i am/have because they.#really upset me esp when these things that i am (autistic+adhd) and have (ocd/anxiety/depression) are linked but have been confirmed#multiple times by multiple doctors#idk i just hope things get easier from here. i can tell my family werent aware of how much this stuff was affecting me so im glad we talked#because keeping that inside was. exhausting
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#the way my mom has....idk if gaslit is the right word#manipulated is maybe better#but her thing was that she would use rationality and logic to explain to you why you shouldn't be upset#or she would explain why being upset was either wrong or wouldn't do you any good#and you couldn't say anything because well. yeah. that makes sense it IS reasonable#so it was always ''stop having the feeling and stop being upset'' as the goal when i was growing up#and that took priority over how i actually FELT and validating and helping me process those emotions#deny it. swallow it. it doesn't *make sense* to be upset about that. you're wrong to feel that way.#god#it's fuckin' grim honestly
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literally when I see women being frustrated with other women for staying with abusive men I feel like I'm watching the ouroboros. Like I get it, it happens to everyone, I've been there, but it's so self sabatoging.
#don't come at me if you're one of those girls currently angry at her friend for continuing to date an abuser after you and everyone else#told her not to#I spent 7 years watching different men beat my mother and I've had a lot of friends who faced very different kinds of abuse from other men#so when I say your anger is not constructive believe me because it is my anger too. and I know it hurts and I know it can drive you insane#but when your friend Sees that anger it will hurt her in a way you cannot understand. And if you are hurting her while you claim to love he#while you claim to have her best interests at heart -> then she cannot differentiate between the way you treat her#and the way her abuser does. And I know that's not fair I know it's not the same#And I know you probably care for her in a way her man does not. But when you tell her what to do she doesn't see You.#She sees the man who tells her what to do and how to live. She won't listen to you over that man because you sound the same#You sound eerily similar but he is manipulating her and you are just angry and upset. He will always seem to offer the better deal#so just don't be that angry friend anymore. Be an open door she can walk through whenever she needs a break from an evil man.#Be the life she Could have if she really believed she deserved it. Be good and respectful and supportive even when you feel like killing hi#show her how Everyone should treat her. Show her she deserves to be treated good; show her it is no problem for You to treat her good#And she Will start demanding that from men. From everyone. But she will do it on her own time#With her own setbacks and she will set her own standards. They might never be your standards but they will be better than what they are now#but first you have to be supportive and not angry. You have to root for what She wants and not for her relationship to fail#Even if you really truly hope the relationship will fail. You have to convince her that you want the same things she wants#You have to convince her that you want her to be happy no matter what that looks like. And Then she will ask you#To help make her life happier. And in my experience; that is the only way to truly see someone get to a better place#You have to help them get what they Want. This is way harder than being angry. Insanely harder. But I have seen women change a Lot#after I stopped feeling angry over them. After I stopped trying to convince them that I know what is best for them
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#having a time so I'm here to rant about a couple things#I'd say I use Tumblr like a diary but I have an actual diary that I don't write this much info for#so like after being sick + concussed I'm doing much better now! no lingering symptoms of either anymore and I'm grateful#caught back up on my school work and I'm feeling in good standing for the rest of the semester#feeling fine thinking about the next couple semesters as well#basically this is just me establishing that I've been in a decent mental state lately. yay!#that's shifting a little. not entirely! I'm fine. just struggling with a couple things so I'm writing them out before they really affect me#I'm upset with my mom's opinions on gay people. she goes back and forth between really supportive and really homophobic comments so quickly#just the other day I was excited because she said something positive in response to seeing cars decked out in pride stuff#today she said lesbians can't have kids and expressed that she'd be disappointed if I 'chose' to be one bc 'there's expectations'#like what is that supposed to mean?????#I am gay and I want kids one day. those statements aren't contradictory to one another but I can't tell her that.#switching gears!#I have driving anxiety and hit and run OCD#basically driving makes me very anxious. I am constantly convinced that I've hit someone/something/caused an accident in some way#going over any bump or uneven road makes me feel certain I've ran someone over#I spend LOTS of time looking behind me in my mirrors to check for bodies/broken things/damaged vehicles or just to check for potholes#this causes further worry that I'll cause an accident by not paying attention to what is ahead of me#I also can't trust my memory. my brain tells me I've repressed memories of the accident I caused. this makes me confused to the point that#I no longer remember my route or even where I am. I'll assume I got off route and make panicked turns that actually get me lost#because of this I'm heavily reliant on visual markers to remind me I am on the right path. unfortunately it is fall now.#the nature on my route looks different than it did a couple weeks ago and it's throwing me off. plus there's new construction.#my usual environment has changed and now I'm back to being as nervous about my school commute as I was at the beginning of the semester#it's all just a lot#okay I'm done now. just needed to get that out before I went into a spiral#hope everyone is having a good night 🖤#ashley rambles
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sorry but this is one of the dumbest things anyone has ever said to me
#ok so i was on my depressive shit today and i was talking abt how i saw a group of friends out today#and one of them hung back and took a picture of the others#and how i generally think those candid picture people post on instagram or whatever are bullshit but this was obviously real#like she was having a good time and she thought her friends looked cute and she wanted to immortalise the moment so she took a photo#and how i feel like because nobody ever does that for me my brain tells me that nobody likes me that much#and this person responded with this long message abt how lots of people don't want candid pictures because they might be unflattering#or because it's rude to take pictures or that they're lost in the moment and don't think abt taking pics (which is a fair point)#and then. this point??? which just???#aside from completely ignoring the thing i was upset about it's just obviously bullshit#and actually specifically contradicts something i said about how my brain forgets that people care about me unless i have proof#(e.g. photos messages souvenirs from trips together) that i can actually hold in my hands when they're not there#to remind myself that i am loved? like that was something i specifically said and she just responds with this?#i know i'm overreacting and she was intending to make me feel better but it's actually annoyed me#also i replied and she left me on read#just ignore me i'm ranting and i know i'm insane and unreasonable#🧃
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nooo alex don’t rewatch s14 don’t do it noooooo
#i already watched episode 2 and it did tear my heart out into about 266363637263836 pieces so like. should i continue? probably not#see here’s the thing i love daya with my entire soul and seeing her sad and angry and frustrated really just. kills me!!!!! and the people#that make her feel those things make me upset :)#🥴
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