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josiebelladonna · 2 years

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i took a questionnaire about a month or so ago and i took it again to see if my self-esteem improved at all.

idk, make do with what you will out of these—i’m just trying to feel better about myself

How do you feel about your ability at work or in school?

In school, I worked hard. I studied hard but I often fell short and I really felt like I got lucky most of the time, especially when things got harder. A lot of it had to do with my feeling bored by it: i got bored by the incessant never ending ass-kicking by the course material.

The only time I’ve ever worked I was okay at it. Did what I was told and that was it. No one remembered me because no one asked for my name—I was a barista at dutch bros for about a month. I just made the coffee and I was nice to our customers and that was it.

Do you have talents? What are they?

I draw, paint, write stories and poetry, do ceramics, glasswork, i can weld, solder, make things out of metal and wood, i can cook , i like to bake, garden, go bike riding, hiking, play baseball and field hockey, i can sing, and speak 9 languages. I geek out over earth science, nuclear science, and also fashion of all things. I’m not good at any of those things by any measure, but I guess you can call them talents?

Do you believe you can be successful in a work or academic environment?

In academia, I’m restricted. I feel so stuck (not to mention, cheated out of money). I learn way better by myself, too, and I have decided that should I ever find my way back to school, i’m just going to learn a trade (something with my hands) because it’s so pointless now. I do like the idea of a classroom, though, just because I… like being around people, especially now that I’m older, I like that classrooms aren’t age-restricted and anyone can take a class. I just like how we treat school, though (and when I say “we”, I mean Americans).

And I just don’t understand the point of work. Like… why are you people so obsessed with going to this thing that you very obviously hate doing? I don’t understand how I’m supposed to deal with this.

Do you believe you have something to offer an employer?

I am never getting a job, ever. It’s such a waste of time just doing it for money and “looking competent” (instead of… you know. Being happy and really feeling content with yourself)—and not to mention, the way the world is now, if you’re not doing it from home, it’s a death sentence.

How much effort do you put into the things you want to achieve?

I don’t know what I want, to be honest, other than maybe be happy but that’s it. I quite frankly don’t give a shit about fame or “climbing the ladder of success” in any way.

How persistent are you?

I don’t care about success. I really just don’t care what happens.

…should I, though? I see messages like “be persistent” and “persevere and you’ll get what you want”, and all I can think is I don’t know what I want—it’s incredibly isolating, too, to be surrounded by these determined cohorts who know exactly what they want out of life in their sleep, and i just can’t relate. I want to want something out of life but it’s exhausting to even mention it. I don’t care about success enough and I don’t think I could be, either.

Can you learn from mistakes?

I try to—and I try to remember not to want to fucking kill myself when I do make one

Are you satisfied with your choices in relationships? Why or why not?

I have never been in a relationship (yes, get your shock and surprise out of your system) so I don’t even know how to answer this. I guess not?

Do you feel that you contribute to the success of your relationship? How?

Last time I had someone outside of familiarity tell me I’m beautiful to my face, I literally never saw him again, so… no.

Do you feel able to attract a suitable partner? Why or why not?

I wouldn’t even know how to do this. I’ve flirted with guys and I feel so gross afterwards, like it’s embarrassing

Are you able to accept not having a love relationship? Or do you need a relationship to define yourself?

I’m fine with not having one… but I’m also curious about it. Like… what do I need to do?

How do you feel about yourself as a sexual being?

Alright. Sit down. Listen.

I don’t like my sexuality at all. First of all, I find it baffling: you’re telling me that I’m supposed to enjoy this? …what? How? Second, I don’t even know how to label it. I love men but I find myself looking at women in that way, but I also find myself attracted to transgender people from time to time (maybe I’m pansexual? bisexual? who fucking knows). Third, I feel gross when I get sexual. I feel like I’m just leering most of the time, like I’m a fucking pervert for looking at someone I like.

I read something about this after hitting my head against the wall wondering what the hell this is supposed to even mean: it’s doing things that make you feel beautiful. Well, the times i feel “beautiful” I immediately regret it (like I’m put on the spot or I’m told that those shoes were expensive). My sexuality has done more to shame me than anything. I feel bad that I like a man and I think he’s sexy.

Even the phrase just annoys me. “sexual being”, it sounds so cliché that I want to puke my guts out every time I see it. I can’t say it without wanting to curl into a little ball.

Do you think other people like you? Why or why not?

First of all, why would I know this. Second, since we’re here, I don’t think they do. I grew up hearing that no one would like me should I ever “be myself”, and I am demonstrated time and time again that this is exactly the case. Even people who say they do like me, I find it hard to believe at first.

How do you treat others?

Like how they want to be. Simple.

Do you believe that you have something of value to offer friendships? What is it?

Came to the conclusion that, no. When someone is friendly with me, I feel like I have to prove myself to them over and over again. Someone considers me a friend, I want to ask why.

Do you require others' approval? If so, when?

No. Never have, either—even when I was getting more serious about my art back in 2015, I didn’t see the point in it. (No one likes me, why bother?)

Are you satisfied with your personal appearance? Why or why not?

I wish I was a few inches taller. Everyone thought I was going to be like 5’10” and I wound up at 5’7”, much to the disappointment of many.

I’m too heavy: i don’t look 256 pounds because most of it is in fact in my bones. And I love the big Buddha belly on Alex (he’s so sexy and cute with it), but my belly is too big and therefore ugly—i’m surrounded by so many mixed messages about body positivity, too. Fat women are apparently beautiful but not skinny women—skinny men are apparently the best but not chubby men, and I have to brace myself for the shitstorm to follow a comment like that. Why?

Do you try to look your best?

If by “best”, you mean in clothes that are comfortable according to how I feel and also contingent on the weather (shorts when it’s hot out, pants when it’s cooler), then yes. I don’t give a single fuck about things like makeup and I don’t see the point of looking “girly” or going to great lengths to look good and you’re going to wipe it off your face anyway. I just don’t get it.

Do you try to take care of your physical self? If not, why?

I hate being sick and in pain

What are your attractive qualities?

I honestly don’t think I’m attractive at all. I get people looking at me but they never say anything, though. It’s like they don’t know what to say to me.

How do you think others view your appearance?

Why the hell would I know this? Moreover, how would I know this? Like I said, it’s not like I can ask people what they think of my appearance without being looked at funny or being told “you’re beautiful!!” in a way that doesn’t feel honest.

Are you overly demanding of yourself?

Not since I realized academic performance is total bullshit seven years ago, no. There’s just a lot of things that I can’t do.

Do you compare yourself to others? In what ways?

My body. Couldn’t be taller and I just ~have~ to gain weight easily.

My art, too. Why can’t I get thousands and thousands of notes on a drawing I made when I get told that it’s honest (and people obviously like honesty and realness?) What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with it?

My writing, too. Same story there: why is no one reading my stuff?

How do you view success? Failure?

Success, I don’t know. I honestly couldn’t tell you what success looks like: most of it being the fact that I just don’t care about it enough; the other side of it being I just don’t have a single clue because it’s so subjective and so complex and so… illusory and contradictory, too. No one likes billionaires but they’re obviously very successful. Every successful artist or musician is obviously completely out of their mind and a bunch of drug addicts but they’re obviously very successful.

Failure has happened to me so many times that I don’t even know how to describe it: it’s just a noise and a reality at this point.

How do you treat yourself when you fail? What do you say to yourself?

Why do I even bother. What was I thinking?

Do you have dreams? How capable do you believe you are to achieve those dreams?

I want to live in the Pacific Northwest. I want to travel to the places I want to travel to. I want my own gallery. I want to get something properly published—I don’t give two fucks about “the great American novel”, i just want something published.

(cue all the times i heard “and how do you plan on doing this? You need money. You need to find work.” whenever I shared a dream of mine—I hate my father. I do. I really do. I fucking hate him and what he’s done to me. Has never built me up or encouraged me and has instead resorted to worrying and fearmongering tactics and telling me that no one will like me if I “be myself.” Our relationship has never felt like a father-daughter thing, either: more like a “favorite coworker” relationship. And everything I do feels like a “you can’t tell me what to do, dad” sentiment.)

What do you need to achieve your dreams?

I don’t have a clue. It all feels impossible.

Do you have a sense of purpose that guides your life? What is it?

I have ask myself this every single day. Some days, I feel like I have no purpose. Some days, I feel like I’m just here for a good time. Some days, I want to do something great and historical.

How do you believe you fit in the whole scheme of things?

I’m that odd outlier you forget about over time. I get told to “be myself” because people will remember me… but they never do. I never tell anyone “oh, just be yourself!” because I couldn’t tell you a time it’s worked for me and I felt genuinely welcome for it.

What are your spiritual beliefs? Are you satisfied with those beliefs?

I’m agnostic. Organized religion has done so much trauma onto me and the rest of humanity that it’s impossible for me to take any part of it seriously. (My brother is a fundamentalist Mormon and has really gotten annoying with it the past five years, like you can smell it a mile away at this point.)

But I’m not atheist, though. I feel like there is… something. What that something is, I don’t know. And I say this because there are two religious institutions I’ve been to where it didn’t feel like I was being forced to convert and as a result, they were actually far more peaceful: a Jewish synagogue and a Buddhist temple.

Do you own your beliefs or do you believe what you were told to believe?

I came to this conclusion. (A fear of mine is my parents going and my brother forcing me to go to church the way my grandmother always forced me to)

Do you feel guided by your beliefs? Or do you feel burdened by your beliefs?

There’s some guidance, some underpinning in there. How much, I can’t say.

Are you able to develop and pursue interests that are meaningful to you?

Yes. The problem is I get bored and stuck. A lot.

Are you swayed by others' opinions about your pursuits?

Again, refer to all the times my dad or someone in my life callously talked me out of doing something that I wanted to do because of money or experience.

Also refer to the times I spoke up to a room full of people and they all hit back at me. All of them, like I was alone when I told my grandmother to shut her trap while we were watching a movie (one of the many things about her I couldn’t stand—don’t talk during movies, jesus christ ), or when I suggested something and I had family laugh at me.

Do you try to discover the possibilities within you? If not, why? If you do, what are those possibilities?

Yes, but I’m not sure what this is getting at, though. Like, what possibilities are we talking about?

Do you share your thoughts and ideas with others? If not, why?

Yes, but if you took a shot I got shot down for it by family, classmates, people on threads, on here, in fanfic circles… goodbye, my friend.

How do you feel about yourself overall?

“Comme çi, comme ça”, as we say in French. Not gonna lie, I feel like if I have more confidence then things wouldn’t be so hard (problem is the times I have shown it, I’m given a reason not to. And when I seek out help for it, I’m told just complete bullshit like “fake it ‘til you make it”—talk about surefire way to make me cringe. Or I get pushed aside: I didn’t reach out to you for no reason).

Do you use negative labels to describe yourself? What are they?

I’m uninteresting and an idiot who should’ve never been born

Do you use positive labels to describe yourself? What are they?

I guess I’m… pretty nice? I say this because of my past with eating disorders and suicidal thoughts and the body doesn’t forget. But I don’t know what else to do here, though.

What do you have trouble accepting about yourself?

My appearance, my sexuality, and my level of intelligence. All of utmost importance in this world and I come short in all of it.

What do you particularly like about yourself?

You know, I don’t really know, to be honest. I guess I like myself at the bare minimum just to get myself out of bed in the morning and I know there’s passion in there, too.

#personal #mental health #self esteem #text #recovery

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hisfearlesshaz · 1 year

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hii!! i’m the american anon that wants to move to italy! thank you so much for your input! i saw that you’ve also lived in the Netherlands and that’s a place i’ve also been recently considering as well!! could you tell me a bit about what it’s like to live there? i’ve heard that there’s a bit of a housing shortage as well in Amsterdam recently! do you think it’s difficult to get a job there if you aren’t from there? i also love how people seem to bike everywhere!! i’ve been studying italian for a few weeks because it’s definitely still one of my top choices. my plan is to move to the uk, then eventually make my way over to italy or the netherlands. i feel like that would be a little bit easier for me. did you like living in italy or the netherlands better? i think there will always be cons about every country you go to, but i think i would take the cons of italy, the netherlands, and the uk over the cons of the united states any day lol. thank you!!!! ❤️

Hi!! Glad to help hahah :)))

So! I actually lived in Belgium, not the Netherlands, but I LOVED it. Best six months of my life and I’m not even joking hahaha. I’ve been to the Netherlands and it’s basically the same except for the size because Belgium is reeeeally small. About the size of Maryland but with double the population. The train sister is quite good so you can reach every “big” city in 1h (there are like 3 big cities, so it’s not that hard really hahaha). I lived in Ghent which is in Flanders so they speak Flemish and Dutch (they’re kinda similar but don’t tell anyone I said that) and some also speak French. The weird thing about Belgium is that they have three official languages (French, Dutch, German) depending on the region but as I said to Gina it doesn’t really matter as everyone speaks English. Can’t have a damn private conversation in public ever even though you’re in a foreign country 😂

Belgium is like the less cool sister of the Netherlands but I think it’s very underrated!!!!! They’re very open and welcoming and progressive. Everyone bikes there as well 😂 you have to pay attention because bikes RULE and if you’re on foot you have to stop to let them through (which is absurd to me, being Italian, bc here you see a few bikes and THEY stop lol). Anyway the housing “crisis” is common in both countries, I think. Maybe a bit better in Belgium? Not sure though, sorry 🤷

As for job opportunities, I think it’s easier than in other places (now I’m talking about both countries). They’re very international, and obv it depends on what kind of job you’re looking for an show qualified you are but overall I think there’s a good job offer (my professor once told me that the province I was in had an employment rate of 80% in people aged 20-60). Again, idk anything specific about the Netherlands but I know more than one person that moved there and found a job quite easily compared to Italy.

Now! Moving on to Italy ;))

I can’t say I want to keep living here, honestly. The south is left behind, work is hard to find unless you’re somewhat specialised, the cost of living is levitating and the government sucks. However, we have a history of unstable governments so who knows how long it will last hahah

There are some new awful waves of homo/transphobia and hate crimes + being an ex fascist country that never truly went away completely. However it’s full of people that fucking hate fascists and nazis and manifest their disapproval regarding right wing parties (that are currently governing) and policies. I have to admit that I’m not that much into politics because I’m tiiiiiired of it being always the same shit if not worse and I think this is a widespread feeling (less and less people care and vote so this obviously makes everything get worse 💀).

The transportation is good only in big cities and between them, really. I lived 50km away from uni and it took me TWO HOURS with at least two different means of transportation. Now that I live in the city, though, I can go wherever I want very easily even though I’m in the outskirts. Milan (which is where I live and study haha) is beautiful, but very busy and definitely not the most beautiful city in the country. I like living here though, you have everything you need and more + the cultural scene is quite active and there are always events of any kind. I have to say it’s a bit more clean than, for example, Rome. It’s called the economical capital of Italy so as you can imagine finding a job here is easier than in other places. Many people from the south actually migrate up north to have better job opportunities (which means that the south keeps lagging behind etc etc and it SUCKS because the south is sooo beautiful and the living conditions could be so much better if we had a good government that knew how to handle stuff to use the resources we have ☹️).

So, Milan is good for work and stuff but people are definì less welcoming than the rest of Italy. Everyone is always busy lol. However (it’s fucking sad to say but it’s true) I’m pretty sure that since you’re American and not from somewhere in Africa, South America or Asia.. people would treat better. There’s still this kind of myth about the American dream, you know? I think it’s the remains of our ancestors migrating to America to have better life opportunities (only to be treated as garbage like they threat immigrants here 💀 sometimes I can’t believe how fucking stupid and plainly ignorant some people can be).

I think I also have to mention that Italian bureaucracy is fucking awful. Like. For real. The worst thing ever. It takes ages for the smallest, stupidest things, you still need to do a lot of stuff in person and not online and in general it doesn’t work really well. I have no idea how it works in the rest of the world but I know that it’s been like 9 months since a relative of mine passed away and we’re still waiting for the succession to be done. To make another example: to have the passport you have to take an appointment and the first free slots are usually after at least three months. Then you need to go to that specific place which must be in your province of residence and it takes like 10 mins to sign the docs and let them take them your fingerprints and THEN you wait like two more weeks for it to be ready to be picked up. I swear it’s so!!!!! Frustrating!!!!!!

Now that I read back what I wrote I realised that it doesn’t sound really positive 😂🥲 maybe it’s bc as I said I want to move so I tend to take into consideration all those things that make me wanna go abroad.. Anyway in conclusion I kinda agree with the other anon that messaged Gina. It’s a beautiful place but more like for holidays than for living. In my opinion.

I think that going to the UK is obviously a good choice, but I’m not sure it’s gonna be that easy to go live in the continent afterwards, after the brexit mess and all that. It’s fucked up, really. It was sooo easy before that :((

I think the best option (but, like, I’m no one to tell you what’s best, obviously jdjdjs) is would be to go the the Netherlands or Belgium and from there moving wherever you want. I think it would be way easier since they’re parte of the UE etc. + as I said like ten times they’re very very nice places to live in :))

This has gotten very very long and I’m sorry haha 😅 can you tell I have something to do that I really don’t want to do? Anyway if you have more questions or other stuff you’re curious about feel free to ask!!!

#omg sorry if the formatting is weird i had to write it in the notes bc being on the app it doesn’t automatically save the draft hahahah #hope this helps at least a little bit?? hopefully it’s the lind of information you were looking for haha 😅😅

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ladyofbonten · 2 years

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Random GN tokyo revengers head cannons

Genre: slice of life and just chaos lol

Tw: language, mentions of fighting (?)

A/N: probably has spelling errors, I was really tired writing this and posted it around 2 am haha

Reblogs, likes and comments are always appreciated♥

***********************************

•The haitani brothers are the type of friends to go bug you at work and ask for you to specifically to make their food but for two totally different reasons. Rindou trusts you enough to not fuck up his order, Ran on the other hand make his order complicated to annoy you.

•Kokonoi is that blunt friend everyone needs. He doesn't beat around the bush and always gives you harsh reality checks from time to time, but thats because he doesn't want to see you get hurt. Does he deliver his harsh advise in the best way? No, but when he sees how his words may have hurt you, he'll try spending money on your favorite snacks or taking you out as an apology afraid of his words hurting you again. He wants his actions to speak louder than his words.

•Emma and Hinata love doing karaoke after exams are over to release all their pent up stress and to relax. If not that, they drag you to go shopping with them and to go try out new cafe's that opened up.

•Inui is such a mother hen and refuses to admit it! It so funny because you could tell him that and he'd say something along the lines of "No I'm not. What gave you that idea?", scoff, then get back to working on the bike he was fixing prior to your comment. Faking a cough of two he'd side eye you before getting up and handing you vitimins he keeps on him and mumble "you better not get sick, cause then I'll have to take care of you." and go back to the bike. Needless to say, you've made your point but he won't admit it to you.

•Mana and Luna love having you over and will bug Mitsyua to no end to bring you over. They love showing off their art work to you and having you play the judge for their fashions shows which consist of cothes raided from their mothers closet or even sometimes Mitsuya's. It caught him by surprise to see the three of you all dressed up and you in his toman jacket from back in the day. He definatly took a picture and has it as his wallpaper of you three.

•Despite his Reaper title, Hanma has ever shown vulnerability to you in the privacy of your home and made you promise that what he shares with you in your room, stays in that room. Even though he's an adrenaline junkie and absolutely loves wreaking havoc, when it comes to being at your house with you, he almost changes into a different person. Lying on your bed as you do skin care not long after cleaning him up after fighting with people not even an hour before. He loves and relaxes in your touch and will fall asleep to you running your fingers through his hair. He will never admit to anyone that he has a safe space or that that safe space is you. He'd do anything to keep you protected and out of the gang life style.

•Ran only ever lets you play with his hair and style it besides himself. He actually encourages you to learn more braiding styles and lets you use him as the test dummy of said hair styles. One times when you learned how to do dutch braids and did them for him, he was feeling himself! "Hey Y/N-chan, you think these suit me better than the regular pig tail braids? Correct answers only." Rindou is in the same room deadpanned telling Ran he still looks the same but obviously seems more stupid for thinking it makes a difference. Ran ignores him and asks you to teach him how to do them so he can start doing them himself.

•Much like Hanma, Sanzu found a safe space in your presence during your guys time in Toman together. He didn't know if it was because you saw past his scars and truama and still chose to stand by his side or because you fear'd him (which he'd learn wasn't the case) but he always saught you out when he felt like he needed you. Soon you became a precence he depended on and he would do absolutely everything he deemed necessary to protect you. There were only two people he'd follow blindly in this chaotic world he lived in, Mikey and you.

•Baji and Chifuyu love doing random Harry potter marathons and always invite you. The three of you will be holded up in either Baji or Chifuyu's living room for a whole day just binging the entire series and making your own commentary about how you'd react to certain situations. "I'd totally be a griffindor." "Baji do you even hear the words coming out of your mouth? You're either a ravenclaw or slytherin, you can't convince me otherwise." You'd laugh as you all argue about who belongs to which house and thus leading to the three of you taking quizes on which houses you belong to. Lone and behold you prove baji wrong and now owes you ramen and boba.

#tokyo revengers #og's🥀#tokyorev imagines #baji keisuke #mitsuya takashi #mitsuya tokyo revengers #ran haitani #rindou haitani #haitani brothers #emma sano #hanma shuji #kokonoi hajime #tokyo revengers seishu inui #hinata tachibana #tokyorev chifuyu #sanzu haruchiyo

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i-am-a-bad-influence-writes · 3 years

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To Love or To Lose

Sebastian Stan masterlist - Full masterlist

Summary: Antony convinced Sebastion to take a small vacation to Europe with him. In a mixup of sorts, they end up at the small town bar you work at. There’s a spark between you and Sebastian but they’re only there for a few days before they have to leave again. You’ll be damned if you let Sebastian go that easily.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Fem!Reader

Word count: 3145

Author’s note: Hi, I wrote this very, very quickly at 1am because this was in my dream last night and I couldn’t get rid of it in my head. Yes, this is fully just a story I thought up for myself to insert myself in. I am Dutch.

‘We’re lost.’ ‘We’re not lost.’ ‘Just admit we’re lost.’ ‘We’re not lost.’ ‘We can just use our phone-’ ‘We’re not lost!’ Sebastian sighs and looks around while Antony tries to figure out the cyclist map they bought in town. He’s sure they’ve cycled for miles but they must’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere. Now they’re in the Dutch countryside, surrounded by fields and farms. ‘Oh, look at this.’ Antony pulls Sebastian’s attention back to the map. He points at a street sign and then to the street as indicated on the map. ‘There’s a town just a little bit away from here.’ ‘Good, let’s go.’ Sebastian hops on his bike faster than Mackie can fold the map and is almost down the street when Antony joins him. They are surprised by the fact that there is a huge intersection just around the corner. ‘I guess you were right,’ Sebastian admits. Mackie just laughs and presses the button for the traffic lights. They cycle down the street to a roundabout and decide to take the first exit even though it seems less busy. ‘We could have a drink,’ Sebastian points out when they pass a small, roadside café. ‘We’ll have a drink at the next one,’ Antony says, still a bit sour that they’re not where they’re supposed to be yet. And no more than half a mile later they spot the next café. ‘Fine,’ Antony sighs. They cross the street and set their bike’s in their respective places in front of the bar. ‘Must be a bunch of alcoholics in this town if they have two bars in the same street,’ Mackie jokes, knowing that half of the people won’t understand him if they aren’t paying attention.

The terrace is quite full but there’s space. They walk up to a small standing table that has a sign on it. Neither of them can read it but they suppose it means something like “Wait here for service.” They see a tall, lanky man with a beard and messy hair walk around the terrace, delivering drinks to the patrons. He makes eye contact with the two and nods at them to let them know he’s coming. ‘Ik kom zo bij jullie.’ A girl rushes past so fast that Sebastian barely gets the chance to look at her. She carries a tray full of tap beer to a table across the terrace with such ease that it looks like second nature to her. Antony nudges him. ‘What do you think she said?’ ‘Probably something about coming over here to help us?’ ‘Yeah, sure.’ Together, they watch the girl as she stands by a table with rowdy men giving her lusting looks and strange smiles. They’re quite obviously very drunk. Sebastian takes a second to take her in as she stands with her back towards them. She has her hair in a kind of half-up, half-down style and wears a copper wrap dress with white specks on it. From the side, Sebastian can see a tattoo peek out from under her dress. She wears white tennis shoes with creme-colored ruffled socks poking out of them. When she turns around with a smile on her face he can see her red lips and blushy cheeks. She walks incredibly fast for someone her height, though she is a bit taller than the average American woman she still looks quite short compared to other people around. ‘Wat kan ik voor jullie betekenen?’ She speaks in Dutch and then she does a double-take. There’s recognition in her eyes as she speaks again: ‘Oh, sorry. How may I help you?’ ‘We’d like to have a drink and some help with our map,’ Antony tells her. ‘Of course,’ she smiles and looks around the terrace, ‘I have a spot down there on the benches or a few under the parasol.’ ‘Seb?’ He takes a look around and finds a nice spot that doesn’t have too much sun but isn’t quite in the shade either. Plus, it’s a bit more secluded. ‘That one over there. Is that okay?’ She looks down at the paper in front of her and nods. ‘Yeah, that’s alright. Have a seat. I’ll be right there.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘No problem.’ She runs back into the bar to do whatever she has to do. They sit down and watch her dart all over the terrace, stopping shorty to inform her colleague with the beard of something, and then walks over to them. ‘What can I get you?’ She smiles brightly at the two. ‘A beer please,’ Antony says. ‘Make that two,’ Sebastian adds. She nods. ‘Two beers, coming right up.’ And she’s gone again. Before she reaches the door, she seems to be stopped by a guest whose glass is still full. She talks to her briefly and while the woman talking to her seems very serious, she keeps laughing it off. All while darting short glances at them and then the woman she’s talking to points at them. Of course, Antony takes that opportunity to joke around. He points at himself with a questioning look as he catches the woman’s eye. She shakes her head and points at Sebastian. The girl waves it off and quickly runs inside. It takes less than a minute until she’s outside again and standing at their table. ‘What was all that about,’ Antony asks her as she puts the beers down in front of them. ‘Oh, she’s a regular and she was curious why she heard me talk English.’ ‘So why the pointing?’ Her cheeks turn bright red as she clutches her tray with two hands but the look on her face seems to tell a whole different story than her body language. She chuckles. ‘She knows my love life is a mess and she knows I fall for guys like you,’ she tells the two as she looks at Sebastian, ‘I might have to prepare you for her. She’s quite the woman and she’s tried to set me up with guests before.’ Antony laughs. ‘I’m sure we’ll be able to handle her.’ ‘You’re American, right?’ He nods. ‘I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle her.’ With those words, she walks away with a huge grin on her lips.

‘En?’ The woman looks anxiously excited for your answer. You laugh and wave her off. ‘Heb het niet gevraagd.’ I didn’t ask. ‘Waarom niet?’ Why not? ‘Hij komt alleen voor een drankje en ik ben aan her werk. Ik hoor niet met gasten te flirten.’ He’s only here for a drink and I’m working. I’m not supposed to flirt with guests. ‘Dus? Hij is je type en je bent al bijna een jaar niet uit geweest.’ So? He’s your type and you haven’t gone out in a year. You sigh and shake your head. ‘Ik ga hem niet uit vragen.’ I’m not going to ask him out. ‘Dan doe ik het.’ Then I will. ‘Be my guest.’ She gets up from her chair and limps over to the two Americans sitting across the terrace. You can’t help but watch what she’s going to do and your coworker joins you. ‘Wat gaat Sanne doen?’ What’s Sanne doing? ‘Ze gaat een date voor me regelen.’ She’s getting me a date. He looks over at the two men and looks a bit confused. ‘Wacht, zijn dat-’ Wait, are they- ‘Sebastian Stan en Antony Mackie. De winter soldier en de falcon.’ ‘Maar die zijn toch al veertig ofzo?’ Aren’t those two like forty or something? You shrug. ‘Sanne stond erop. Op deze manier laat ze in ieder geval even met rust.’ Sanne insisted. At least she’ll leave me alone for a while after this. ‘Je gaat ervan uit dat ze niet me je uit zouden willen?’ You’re assuming they wouldn’t go out with you? ‘Antony is getrouwd en ik ben vrij zeker dat ze beter dan mij kunnen krijgen. Er staan letterlijk modellen voor ze in de rij.’ Antony is married and I’m pretty sure they can get better than me. Modells literally line up for them. ‘Ze ziet er anders vrij tevreden uit.’ She looks pretty satisfied. We watch as Sanne walks back towards us with a victorious look on her face. ‘Tom, je moet haar vrij geven. Hij zei dat hij met haar uit zo gaan als ze zou helpen met hun kaart. Ze zijn verdwaalt ofzo.’ Tom, you have to give her the rest of the day off. He told me that he’d take her out if she’d help them with their map. They’re lost or something. You could sink into the ground right there and then. Tom checks his watch and seems to seriously consider it. ‘Ja, ga ze maar helpen. T is toch rustig.’ Yeah, you go help them. It’s not busy. Your jaw drops. Tom can be quite lazy and often keeps you on until closing so he doesn’t have to do everything alone. ‘Je maakt een grapje.’ You’re kidding, right? He nudges you towards the door of the bar, knowing that you’ll have to write down your hours and grab your phone before you sit down with them. ‘Nee, kom op. Dit meen je niet.’ No, come on. You’re not serious. ‘Y/n, maakt niet uit wat er gebeurt, dit is een geweldig verhaal om te vertellen op feestjes. Ga gewoon.’ Y/n, it doesn’t matter what happens, this’ll still be a great story to tell at parties. Just go. Sanne puts her hand on your shoulder as she says it. You sigh and take your loss. Or win. However you want to look at it. ‘Wat wil je drinken?’ What do you want to drink? Tom asks as he trails behind you into the building. ‘Doe maar een biertje.’ A beer would be nice. He nods and gets to tapping while you fill in your hours in the folder behind the bar and take your phone out of a drawer under the coffee machine. ‘Ik haat je.’ I hate you. ‘Tuurlijk.’ For sure. Tom hands you your beer and you head outside to sit down with Sebastian and Antony. You grab a chair and pull it towards their table. When you sit down, both men have an astonished look on their faces. ‘They actually gave you the day off,’ Antony asks, ‘all because your love life isn’t ideal?’ ‘You clearly underestimated how terrible my love life is,’ you joke. ‘Well now you’ve gotta tell us everything,’ Antony urges as he leans back in his chair. ‘I don’t have to tell you anything.’ ‘I’m supposed to take you on a date, so I would like it if you did tell me something,’ Sebastian says. ‘You really don’t have to,’ you tell them, ‘I know she’s a scary woman but she won’t kill you or anything. Besides, you won’t ever see either of us again once you leave.’ ‘That’s fair but this is a great story,’ Sebastian shrugs. You scoff and scoot your chair a little closer. ‘Sure. Now let’s see this map of yours.’

“We found it.” Sebastian sends the text and drops his bag in his room. It takes only a few seconds until you send a message back. “Yay, good job.” He smiles as he sits down on his bed and types his response. “Nah, that was all you.” “I wouldn’t be too grateful. I am going to cyberbully the shit out of you.” “Sure.” There’s knocking on his hotel room. He calls for the person to come in, knowing it’ll probably be Mackie and it is. ‘Hey man,’ he says and sits down in a nice chair across the room. ‘Hey,’ Sebastian replies, ‘you got a good room?’ ‘Great. Say, are you going to go back to take our tour guide on that date?’ Sebastian shrugs. ‘I was thinking about it but she’s quite a bit younger.’ ‘That’s what I was thinking,’ Antony says with a nod. ‘But I still think you should do it.’ ‘Hold on, why?’ ‘She said something on the terrace that kind of stuck with me.’ He gets up from his chair and walks over to the window to look out over the busy Amsterdam streets. He looks a bit disappointed by the view. He preferred the small town. ‘You will probably never see her again after you leave.’ ‘What?’ ‘She’s from a small town, she works in the town’s bar, no one has a clue who you are around there. And I saw how you looked at her. So why not take a chance? Best case scenario, you have a fun date. Worst case scenario, you have a great date and are stuck with feelings for a woman who lives across the world. Either way, she’s fun to be around.’ Sebastian is shocked for a second but Antony is spitting straight facts. Y/n was a joy to talk to while she was helping them figure out their next move and what does he really have to lose? ‘You’re right.’

~Two months later~

‘Sebastian, we heard you finally took a trip with Antony Mackie. Do you have any stories?’ The fan looks smug as she asks it like she knows something. Like she knows what he and Mackie know. He adjusts himself in his seat and puts the microphone to his mouth. ‘We went to the Netherlands and when you’re there you have to go cycling. We got lost and Mackie refused to use his phone to look for where to go so we ended up in a small local bar where the waitress helped us find out that we were actually cycling towards the wrong city. We wanted to cycle to Amsterdam and we ended up in Amersfoort.’ And then I fell for the waitress who showed us around the city to make sure we had a good time either way even if we could’ve just taken a taxi to Amsterdam. We stayed longer than we should’ve and I miss her. But he doesn’t say that. He couldn’t. ‘The waitress,’ the interviewer asks in disbelief, ‘she could speak English?’ ‘The Dutch are actually great English speakers.’ ‘Was the waitress cute?’ Sebastian laughs. ‘She was adorable,’ he says, trying to play it off as a joke, an exaggeration, ‘but she was really smart. She helped us figure it out and even helped us to get back to our hotel.’ ‘You didn’t sneak her in, did you?’ ‘Oh, no, no. She just told us what to do and where to go.’

Sebastian walks through his apartment when his phone goes off. He checks the screen to see Mackie’s name pop up and he sighs. He knows what he wants to talk about. The interview went up just an hour or so ago. ‘I know,’ Sebastian says as he presses his phone to his ear. “Just for good measure, I’m going to tell you anyway. Call her.” ‘I can’t do that to her.’ “To her or to yourself?” ‘It’s too much of a distance. Even for long-distance.’ “She told you she’s thinking of moving to Canada.” ‘Doesn’t mean she’ll move here with the probability of a relationship. And a relationship in the spotlight.’ “So you’re going to deny you felt something?” ‘I’m not going to deny it, I just-’ “You’re going to bottle it up until it eats you alive in hopes of losing feelings.” Antony sighs. “Seb, this girl was made for you.” His phone starts beeping. ‘Hold up, I’m getting another line.’ “Sebastian, don’t-” He hangs up and picks the other call up without checking who is calling. He just wanted to get rid of Mackie for bothering him about Y/n again. ‘Hello?’ “Oh, hey.” Sebastian freezes at the sound of your voice coming through the speaker. “I didn’t think you’d pick up this fast. I need some help.” ‘From me?’ “Yes, I seem to have taken a wrong turn while cycling to Amsterdam.” She giggles softly. “And now I’m lost in New Amsterdam.” ‘New Amsterdam?’ He feels his stomach tingle at the words but he isn’t sure if she’s hinting at what she’s hinting at. “No, wait, they don’t call it that anymore. New York.” ‘You’re in New York?’ “Yeah, some dude with a gap in his teeth dropped me off in front of an apartment complex in SoHo but I think I’ve been scammed.” ‘In SoHo?’ He rushes to his window, struggling to open it with one hand. “Yeah, you know anyone who might have a place for me to rest my head until I figure out how to get back?” He finally pulls the window open and sticks his head out to look down and there you stand. You smile up at him and wave. “Oh, there you are,” she says through the phone. ‘I’ll be right down.’ He doesn’t waste another second. He pulls on his shoes on his bare feet, hopping as he goes. Snatches his keys from the table and sprints out, not really caring that he looks a mess. He runs down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, and bursts out the door. You smile at him and he freezes, suddenly realizing you’re really here. ‘Wow,’ he mumbles, ‘it’s you.’ ‘Hey,’ you say as you bite your lip. He leans in slightly and then Sebastian becomes awfully aware of the prying eyes on the New York streets. He wants to hold you, kiss your lips, but he can’t on the street. Not when you just came here. ‘Come in,’ he says as he starts to usher you inside. He walks you to the elevator and presses the button. It opens right away and the two of you step inside. He notices you study his face and he feels himself getting nervous. ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Trying to figure out if you’re actually happy to see me or just scared that I’m a stalker.’ ‘I’m happy to see you,’ he tells you as he suppresses a smile. You don’t. You smile brightly as you take his hand. The feeling is familiar and yet a little nostalgic after being apart for two whole months. ‘I’m happy to see you too.’ The elevator door opens and he shows you to his door. It’s only then that he notices you don’t have anything with you. ‘Did you jump on a plane like this?’ ‘No, I got a hotel room just in case I read you all wrong when you left.’ You take off your shoes as you step inside, something you also did at your own place when you took him home. He smiles and wraps his arms around your waist. ‘You didn’t’. Your arms slide around his neck as if they’re meant to be there. He slowly dips down and presses a kiss to your lips. ‘Good, ‘cause you’re stuck with me two weeks.’ ‘And after that?’ ‘I either introduce you to my parents or I go back.’ ‘Go hard or go home.’ ‘Exactly.’

#Sebastian Stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x female reader #sebastian stan x fem!reader #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan fanfiction #winter solider x reader #bucky x reader

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clandonnachaidh · 3 years

Text

Light Across The Seas That Severed (Ch3)

AO3

Even after years of friendship, of seeing each other through some of the best and some of the hardest times of their lives, Jamie Fraser would still need to catch his breath at the sight of Claire Beauchamp when she really laughed. With her head thrown back, her whisky eyes would screw shut and she would run her long fingers into her beautiful hair in comedic exasperation.

If watching her laugh was a sight to behold, making her laugh was the best thing in the world.

They were sat across from each other surrounded by a pungent cloud of smoke, both of them situated on plush sofas of green leather that was cracked and worn from use. With each passing minute, Jamie felt like the sofa was beginning to swallow him. He made the mistake of voicing his concern to Claire.

She thought the whole thing was hilarious, obviously, and told him so before taking a bite out of the space cake that she had cut down the middle to share.

“Edibles are stronger, you’ll only need half anyway,” she had said in her matter of fact way that she had, taking charge of the situation from the minute they’d stepped foot in the coffee shop.

Jamie Fraser, being the good catholic boy that he was, had never been inside such a place and he certainly hadn’t experienced anything like the Red Light District that they had just walked through. Of course he had heard of Amsterdam’s relaxed laws when it came to sex work and drugs but seeing it first hand was something entirely different. When he caught sight of the first woman in the window, her long blonde hair tumbling around her bare shoulders, he felt the blush rise to the very tips of his ears as Claire just laughed and dragged him by the hand, deeper into the belly of the beast.

The plan had been for them to spend two days in the city before they said goodbye. Claire was following her heart (which took the shape of one Frank Randall, the same bastard who’d stood her up the night that Jamie and Claire had kissed for the first and only time) to Boston where she’d managed to get a placement in a surgical programme while Frank would teach at Harvard. It had taken everything in Jamie not to break when she told him, the smile that she had plastered on her face not quite reaching her eyes as she surveyed his reaction over her coffee cup. He had swallowed the rising panic in his throat and felt as it soured in his stomach but he managed to calm himself long enough to take a deep breath and tell her the truth — that he was proud of her and he would miss her. He would miss her so much.

Jamie knew that she was lying about not being able to book a more straightforward trip from London to Boston and he strongly suspected that she had orchestrated the two day layover in Amsterdam for the sole purpose of asking if he’d like to join her, a mini break that they both sorely needed after an arduous final year at university. He hadn’t even needed to think about it before he agreed and in the week leading up to it, he had struggled to think of anything but watching her as she wandered around the Rijksmuseum, oblivious to the art hanging on the walls when he had his own masterpiece right in front of him.

“I canna believe I’m in such a place wi’ ye, Sassenach, and for breakfast no less,” he said, hearing a laugh that didn’t sound quite like his own. Frowning at himself, he looked across at her as she chuckled kindly at him, her index finger dabbing a crumb from the corner of her mouth before popping it between her lips. The lips that he had tasted just once years ago in what had been agreed as a funny drunken lapse of judgment in a grubby old pub on the edge of their college campus.

“You just need to relax and you’ll enjoy it, I promise,” she said. It had been her idea to get high first thing in the morning and then spend the remainder of their final day together strolling around the museums and parks of the city, allowing themselves to get into the spirit of the place and cut loose for once.

He watched her waggling her eyebrows suggestively, looking to him like furry brown worms, “You seemed to enjoy the ladies outside well enough.”

He went bright red and tried to sit up straighter amongst the sofa cushions that were trying their best to swallow him, “Dinna be daft, ye ken I wouldnae pay a woman to do that sort of thing.”

“A lot of people pay for sex, Jamie, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Two consenting adults and all that.”

He had always known that Claire was a very liberal thinker and she spent a lot of time and energy educating herself on things to broaden her perspective of the world. Jamie admired her for it even if he did enjoy poking fun at her sometimes, just to watch the spark catch fire in her eyes as she told him precisely why he was wrong.

“Aye well, that’s all fine an’ weel but I winna be dealing wi’ it myself, thank ye.”

“Oh, live a little, Fraser. How long has it been since Annalise? Seven months?” She asked him directly as he made a very Scottish noise in the back of his throat in an attempt to dismiss the conversation about his ex-girlfriend.

“I’ll thank ye to leave her out of our weekend,” he warned her jokingly, delighting in the corner of her mouth quirking upwards in amusement. Before he knew it, the words were tumbling out of his mouth, “Besides, Lise and I, we never…”

He watched as Claire’s eyes almost burst from her skull as she leaned forward, her beautiful mouth gaping at his revelation. Why the hell had he told her that? They never spoke about the personal details of their respective relationships, it was the unspoken rule between them. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Jamie could think of nothing worse than sitting and listening to Claire regale him of her sexual exploits with the uptight historian. It also meant that Claire didn’t know exactly how much sex Jamie wasn’t having.

“Never?! You were together for a year!” The amazement in her voice was evident and Jamie flopped backwards in the sofa, raising his hands to his face. He cursed the effects of the marijuana that had relaxed him to the point where he was divulging information that he would usually keep behind his teeth.

“Never, okay?”

“Wow… okay… not sure what to do with that but okay,” she mirrored his body language, collapsing back onto her sofa and tucking her legs up underneath her. “So you’ve not had sex in what, just shy of two years? Good God, you must have the patience of a saint.”

“Something like that,” he mumbled into his palms, refusing to remove them for the fear of her gaze seeing the truth that he was trying desperately to keep hidden but that was on the tip of his very stoned tongue.

“Longer than two years?” He heard her whisper in disbelief.

“Try 24.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds before it became too much, he had to look at her to gauge her reaction to his honesty. He had expected her to laugh or to yell in surprise but he realised that she mostly just looked curious, like she was trying to figure out the answer to the puzzle that was sat opposite her.

“You’re a virgin?” He nodded in response and watched as her shoulders dropped slightly, smiling kindly at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because we dinna talk about things like this,” he sighed. He could see all the questions that were threatening to slip past her lips.

“Have you not wanted to? Because that’s okay, maybe you’re just not into the thought of-“

“Christ, no! No, I’m definitely into the thought of it,” he laughed. “From the age of thirteen to seventeen, I barely thought of anything else. Besides, I said I was a virgin, no’ a monk. I’ve done stuff.”

She laughed at that, “So why not? I’m sorry, you absolutely do not have to tell me but I- just… how? Why?”

“Was just waitin’ on the right woman,” he shrugged in an attempt to appear nonchalant about the whole thing. Whether she was buying it or not, he couldn’t tell but he was certain that if she listened hard enough, she could hear his heart beating out a rhythm in time with the syllables of her name.

Because that was the real truth, wasn’t it? That he had been waiting for her.

She didn’t say anything in response, just leaned to cut the remaining space cake in half again, offering the larger half to Jamie that he almost snatched from her, anything to distance himself from the conversation that they were having.

He was grateful when she left it at that, being able to intuit that he wasn’t comfortable with the line of questioning. That night, when the effects of their morning had worn off, they rented bikes and attempted to navigate the city like the locals did, getting horribly lost and ending up drinking a beer by the canal as the sun went down. Jamie watched as the rays painted her pale skin gold and the wind caught the folds of her sundress, settling the material delicately against her bonnie wee shins. It had been the perfect day and Jamie didn’t want it to end. But he knew that it had to.

In the morning, she was getting on a plane.

“Shall we head back, d’ye think? It’s been a long day,” he said quietly, pulling her out of the daydream that she was sat in. She turned to face him with a dreamy smile on her face as she nudged his shoulder with her head.

“The best day,” she said simply. “Let’s go.”

They walked the short distance back to their hotel in silence, neither of them needing to fill it with words as they just existed in each other’s company. When they got to their hotel room, he made light work of pulling off his hoodie and collapsed onto his twin bed with the remote in his hand as she shut herself in the bathroom, the lock gently clicking behind her. Jamie ran a hand over his tired face and tried to concentrate on the tv. He had an ear for languages, being the proud new owner of a First in Modern Languages and Linguistics from Oxford, but the rules of Dutch seemed to be far removed from that of the French and German, and a little Italian, that naturally clicked together in his brain.

He strained to listen in an attempt to isolate some of the sounds, let his mind create patterns and try to fill in the gaps but he was tired and gave up quickly, punching the pillow that was under his head to prop up his neck a little further so that he could look out of the window. He heard the bathroom door unlock.

That was when he saw her. Really saw her for the first time. And it wasn’t because he could see more of her skin than he had ever seen before but because of the look that was painted on her face. Her beautiful face radiating a vulnerability and softness that he had never seen the depths of before, never as unguarded as she was in that moment. She smiled shyly at him and her hand came to cover her bare stomach slightly. Panic clutched at Jamie’s chest as he watched her wall build itself back up.

He was on his feet before he even knew it, pulling her hand back down to her side and lacing their fingers together.

It was always easier if they touched.

“What are ye doin’, Claire?” He tried to keep his voice soft, to not let the need he was feeling flow out in every word. She blushed and ducked her head, as though looking him in the eye would break the spell.

“I just thought…” she trailed off before defiantly bringing her head up and fixing him with a stare. “I can’t stand the idea of you having your first time with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.”

She had sounded strong and sure but Jamie’s head was birling. He took a step closer to her, so close that he could feel her breath on his chest and looked down at her body, barely an inch of space between them. The swell of her breasts were contained by a lace bra, a lilac so soft that it made her pale skin look like ivory against it. She was wearing matching underwear, just a scrap of material really, and his cock twitched at the thought of what she must look like from behind. The amazing arse of his best friend that he had shamefully lusted after for so long.

He raised the hand that wasn’t tangled with hers to hover over her heart, not quite touching the skin but watching as the goosebumps appeared anyway. She let out a shaky breath through perfectly pursed lips and he knew then what she was doing, the gift that she was giving him. Because she knew or at the very least suspected how he felt about her. She’d have to be blind not to see it.

She was saying goodbye.

“Claire… lass, we dinna have to do this. You dinna have to do this for me,” he whispered but he barely managed to get the words out before she popped up on her toes and closed the gap between them.

For a moment, they stood still. Neither of them moved a muscle for fear of breaking whatever magic had been cast over them. But then his mouth moved instinctively, applying pressure to her lips in an attempt to open them so his tongue could reacquaint itself with hers, so many years since they first kissed. He heard her, felt her, sigh softly and that was all the proof that he needed to wrap his arms around her and pin her to his chest, his mouth greedily seeking hers. Her hands found his face and thinking that she meant to push him away, he immediately let her go and took a step back from her, breath bursting from his lungs.

“I’m so sorry, lass, I didnae mean to get carried away-“

“Jamie, stop. You’re overthinking this,” she interrupted him by pressing her body back to his and put a steady hand on his cheek, his face leaning in to press a kiss to her open palm. The reality of the situation filled him. When the sun came up the next day, she would pack her things and they would travel to the airport to say goodbye. His chest tightened and he exhaled heavily, trying to take a steadying breath but it shattered in his throat and he tried to suck another in. Noticing that he was beginning to panic, Claire urged him to look at her. “It’s just me, Jamie, it’s us. Do you want this? Do you want me?”

“Oh God, yes.”

Their mouths snapped back together and all was right with the world. He couldn’t stop touching her, desperate to elicit sounds from her that she had kept hidden from him for so many years, ones that he thought he’d never have the privilege of hearing. An errant thought passed through his head, that maybe he should feel nervous about his first time, about not satisfying her, but the way that she was reacting to his kiss put his mind at ease. He would take everything in, commit everything to memory and be attentive to what she seemed to like and not like. She was terrible at lying, his Sassenach, and he was secure in the knowledge that he already knew her better than anyone else on this earth.

He was pulled from his thoughts at the feeling of her hands on his zipper and he groaned into their kiss as her hand brushed against his painfully hard cock through the thick material of his jeans. Everything was happening too fast and at the same time, not fast enough. He wished to be utterly consumed by her, to share something that neither of them would ever be able to take back. Something that he knew he would carry with him until the day he died.

Claire’s skilled fingers divested him of his jeans and he refused to break their kiss as he wriggled out of them, swallowing her giggles when she realised what he was up to. He ran his hands from her hips up the soft planes of her body, feeling her delicate ribs under her skin and brushing around the lace of her bra to where it joined in the back. Whether it was intuition or he fact that he practically ripped the clasp apart in blind need, he had no idea, but his fingers fumbled less than he had anticipated.

“I want to see you too,” she whispered against his lips, pulling his t-shirt over his head in one quick movement before she fixed him with a stare, licked her tongue down the palm of her hand as Jamie’s eyes widened in disbelief before her hand disappeared into the waistband of his boxers.

“Christ,” he shuddered, screwing his eyes shut in an attempt to contain the feel of her warm, wet hand on his cock. Her grip was firm on him as his jaw hung open and she greedily claimed his mouth once more as she quickened the pace.

When her mouth disappeared from his, Jamie opened his eyes in confusion to see that she’d dropped to her knees in front of him, her index fingers taking the fabric of his boxers on the same descent. The sight alone nearly undid him but it was nothing compared to the heat that enveloped him as she took him inside her mouth. Fingers immediately threaded through her hair, he squeezed his eyes shut with a gasp as she took him as far back as she could, which was no small task given the size of him. His mind betrayed him with a memory of Annalise trying her hardest but he was never truly convinced that she had wanted to do it, suspecting that she felt like it was an obligation which meant that Jamie could never really enjoy the act. As though she knew that his mind had wandered, Claire’s fingers gripped him tightly as her mouth kept a steady rhythm and his hips jerked forwards instinctively. An attempt at a stuttered apology was on the tip of his tongue but she beat him to it, moaning around him and sending delicious vibrations down his length. Knees buckling slightly at the sensation, Claire’s whisky eyes peered up at him, her lips plump and wet and with a hollowing of her cheeks and a hard suck, she sent him crashing over the edge, moaning her name as he did.

As the stars that had burst into his vision began to fade, he fought to get his breath back, feeling the brush of her body as she got up from her knees.

“Did that feel good?” She whispered as he nodded furiously, bumping their noses together in his enthusiasm. She laughed quietly and went back to kissing him, the feeling of her smile on his lips.

“It was amazing,” he told her. “Thank you.”

She laughed at his earnest gratitude, “I know how you can make it up to me.”

Taking his hand and leading the both of them towards her bed, Claire didn’t allow for too much space to come between their bodies as she lay back and pulled him down with her. Jamie’s mind raced as the sight. How many times had he imagined this? And how pitiful his imagination had been when conjuring it, missing the exquisite details like the way her her skin trembled at his touch and the softness of the sole her foot trailing up the back of his calf as he lay on top of her.

He knew that he was the luckiest man alive as he kissed down her body and a found a freckle on the inside of her thigh. To know the secret parts of her, to have her share them with him when she kept everyone else at arm’s length. How could he not be in love with her?

“Touch me, Jamie.”

He knew that those were the words that would wake him in a sweat for the years to come as he revisited this moment in his dreams. Hearing them fall from her throat was a blessing and he wasn’t one to squander such an invitation. He was trying to be gentle with her so as to not scare her off but in that moment, his trembling fingers became sure and shredded through the thin lace of her underwear, ripping them from her body with a deep growl that he didn’t know he was capable of producing. He felt her body melt into the mattress as his middle finger found her wet centre, her legs quivering in response.

“Oh, my Claire… how beautiful you feel,” he whispered as she moaned loudly, pushing her hips towards him in an attempt to receive more attention. His warm hand left her and closed around her hipbone as he kept her at a distance, blue eyes blazing into whisky ones with so much love that it made her mouth water. Not breaking eye contact, his fingers flexed around her hip, holding her in place as he brought his mouth to her core.

Claire threw her head back against the pillow, mouth agape.

“What the fuck,” she gasped. He had told her that he wasn’t entirely green behind the ears but it was nice to hear the shock in her voice as he set his tongue to work. Within minutes Claire’s body was writhing, one hand fisted in the bedsheets like she was holding on for dear life. It still wasn’t enough and so he shifted his arms underneath her, running them up the length of her back and pulling her closer into his mouth. She squeaked with surprise as she settled her weight onto her shoulders, trusting that Jamie’s strength would hold her steady as he relentlessly licked and nipped at her.

“Jamie, I’m-“

Claire was unable to finish as her words were replaced by a loud moan, Jamie’s growl indicating that he was not willing to let her go without knowing what it felt like for her lose herself on his tongue.

Fingers gripping his curls, Claire pulled slightly and he felt her entire body go rigid as she tried to control the feelings that were coursing through her body. Jamie slid two fingers into her and lightly flicked his tongue against her, holding her steady as she began to convulse in his arms. He was fascinated to learn that she didn’t make a sound, only screwed her eyes shut and let her mouth hang open as she rolled her hips against him, riding out her orgasm.

When he felt her shy away from his tongue, he gave her a final kiss and moved up towards her, delighting in the way that she curled her hand around the back of his neck and brought his mouth down to hers, tasting herself on his lips.

“Not a monk indeed,” she laughed breathily as she ran her fingers through her hair, her eyes shutting slightly as the aftershocks ran through her.

“I’m a man of many talents, if I do say so myself.”

“I wonder what else you’re good at,” she raised a single eyebrow above a pair of seductive eyes and Jamie took the opportunity to press his renewed erection against her thigh.

“Only one way to find out, I suppose.”

Her hands sought out his body again, as though they were always meant to be touching and she moaned a little when she felt that he was hard so soon after his orgasm.

“We can stop here, Jamie. This is your choice. Whatever you want.”

“I want ye so much, I can scarcely breathe. Will ye have me?”

“Yes,” she sighed deliriously, “Yes, I’ll have you.”

“Come here to me, Jamie,” she whispered as she took him in hand and lead him to her opening. He steeled himself, taking a deep breath and basking in the look of wonder on her face, soon replaced by a quiet, exquisite joy as he pushed himself home for the first time.

She was like velvet. Impossibly soft and hot, wet with her need and it was all he could manage not to immediately race to his finish, to take her with a force and a desperation that he knew was painted on his features. With the strength of an army, he stilled himself and raised his face to hers, nearly coming undone when their eyes met.

Claire had never looked at him like that. Her cheeks were flushed from her pleasure, her pupils blown wide and stunned. His soul was laid open to her and hers to him. And he knew that his face showed the unfathomable depth of his love for her, incapable of hiding it when they were joined like this.

Jamie could have stayed that way forever but his physiology had other ideas, his hips responsively snapping into hers. She moaned and tilted her hips to meet him, raising a knee upwards to cradle his side and deepen the angle of him inside of her. Jamie was completely unaware that something could feel this good and he lowered his head to capture her lips as he began to rock his hips against hers.

All worries that he may have had left him when he watched the way she responded to his body, her fingertips digging into the muscles of his biceps until he was sure that they would bruise. She was panting and moaning beneath him, making tiny movements with her body that produced huge waves of sensation in his. He was so distracted by his own pleasure that the first time she clenched lightly around him, he wasn’t even sure that it had happened. Looking down at her, he mimicked the movement with his hips and earned himself another wonderful contraction coupled with an urgent moan that ripped from her chest.

He slowed his pace, not wanting to be undone before she reached her peak and moved his fingers to her mouth which she accepted greedily. Screwing his eyes shut at the sensation, he trailed his hand down her body to the place where they joined and lightly found the bundle of nerves at the top of her sex. She convulsed, eyes snapping open in pleasure and he wished for the hundredth time that he could drown in them.

As his fingers began to stroke her, he watched as her body changed from pliant and soft to frantic and needy. Her hands moved to his arse and pulled him into her, keening at the feeling of his cock coupled by the pleasure that he was seeking in her from his fingers.

“You’re going to make me come, Jamie,” she sobbed in surprise and he doubled down his efforts to find it for her, to let her chase her pleasure before he gave in to his own. What a gift to be able to feel the way her body reacted to his, to know how it felt when she came close to her orgasm. Her tight muscles fluttered around him as he watched the flat plane of her stomach clench in an attempt to control the pleasure that was crashing through her body. It was all too much.

“Give me your mouth, Sassenach,” he gasped as he sealed his mouth to hers, their tongues hungrily seeking the other. It was the moment of combustion when they finally met and her body convulsed once more before she began to shake uncontrollably, noises coming from her that he never thought he’d hear. It was everything he needed in that moment as he began to pour himself into her, unable to stop the frantic jerk his hips as he experienced a blinding white pleasure that he’d never felt before.

Only just managing to shift his body so that he didn’t collapse his entire weight onto her, Jamie rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling as he waited for his heart rate to slow. He was hyper aware of Claire’s body beside him, of the rise and fall of her chest as she descended from waves of pleasure that he had elicited in her. He’d expected for his mind to be running a hundred miles a minute but all he felt was serenity. In that moment, the world was exactly as it should be.

“Christ,” Jamie huffed, unable to stop the air bursting from his lungs. The question fell out of him before he had a chance to stop it. “Is it always like that?”

He didn’t look at her, couldn’t force his eyes to look at her face in case he didn’t like what he saw. But his eyes began to drift closed at the feeling of Claire curling her naked body around his, bringing a bent leg to rest over his abdomen and her hair splaying on his chest.

“No, it isn’t.”

#light across the seas that severed #clan donnachaidh #ao3 #outlander fanfic #jamie fraser #Claire beauchamp #outlander #modern au

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atticweirdo · 3 years

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Rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to get to know better...

thank you for tagging me @boogiepilgrim !! 😊 😊 💕

Nickname: lasse (sort of a diminutive of my name. i’d compare it to a name like michael being shortened to mike except lasse is longer than lars... lol) & also laars/laarsje (meaning “boot” in dutch)

Zodiac sign: scorpio

Height: 178cm or 5’8″ i gwess

Last movie I watched: in the mood for love in a small cinema near me that was doing a retrospective on wong kar-wai... huge recommend! so wonderful

Last thing I Googled: not counting me converting cms to feet and in the mood for love... things about required items for a weapon i’ve been grinding for in guild wars 2 the past week lol

Favorite musician: eeeepp i can’t possibly pick one <3 EJ, jethro tull, dEUS, hatari, mad season, steely dan, stille volk. kind of in a rut rn tho i wanna find more new music.

Songs stuck in my head: on the halfway line by school is cool & the cage by elton john most recently!

Other blogs: none! i have my empty main (jar-t-vis) which hasn’t been used since i wiped it clean in like 2017. wish there was a way to switch this blog to the main blog but i don’t wanna move the urls n start all over. too attached to everything that’s on here.

Blogs I'm following: 226. i like to be able to scroll back to where i was every time i open the app again

Amount of sleep: i preferrrr 8 to 10 hours but obviously if i work that’s not possible. and also sometimes my brain breaks and i only sleep about 4.

Lucky number: ive never had one of those

What am I wearing: huge orange tinted glasses, black bleach tie dye shirt, black cargo pants, thrifted new rocks... off to the city soon

Dream job: HOPEFULLY something that involves my studies once i’ve finished them!! my DREAM dream job is probably tattoo artist but idk if my current artstyle is very adaptable to that medium.

Dream trip: i hooope to go to berlin next year w a few friends so that i guess. and i love hiking so anywhere you can hike a lot. the alps scotland or ireland. yes girl i love to get rained on <3

Favorite food: if it comes out of the oven and has a lot of vegetables i will probably love it. love mexican food too

Play an instrument: i used to play bass guitar (self taught) regularly but i kind of dropped it when the pandemic hit 😔

Languages: Dutch (/Flemish lol), English, French. Wish i knew German!

Describe yourself in aesthetic things: ummm what even counts as aesthetic i don’t really think about myself in terms of that i think it’s kind of a weird concept so here’s Some Things. bikes lying in the grass because you’re having a picnic a few meters further, sitting in a café at 11 in the evening with a friend, marginalia in medieval manuscripts, feeding pigeons ur leftover food. the end

Favorite Songs: great american nude by dEUS, thick as a brick by jethro tull, i think i’m gonna kill myself and also ballad of a well known gun by elton john,the ‘97 live version of big love by fleetwood mac are a few

Random fact: my friends make fun of me for being attracted to taron egerton and maybe i deserve it a little but have you seen that body<3

i tagggg @ghostparadoxa/ @devilsflowermantis (idk which one you’d prefer to use) @alekasatics @mortimer @jaaaor @idontreadtheory

#don't feel pressured it's fine if you don't wanna do these. but hi sorry i don't talk much to you all i treasure you as mutuals #and i open my mouth

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milimoe · 3 years

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6, 16, 26?

6. most hated song in your native language?

The first song that comes to mind is Mag Ik Dan Bij Jou by Claudia de Breij but honestly i dont really like dutch songs to begin with. (except Zoutelande, Zoutelande is a bop)

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with?

Ooohh i hate multiple stereotypes but the biggest is prob that German and Dutch are the same language. Like no the Dutch language is pretty different and also more fun to speak :P (als othe stereotypethat i hate is that everyone wears clogs?? like no, not at all?? ive never worn one lol)

The stereotype that i can somewhat agree with is that everyone uses bikes all the time. Obviously not everyone but its a very common transport and just very useful 'cause the landscape is flat af. I use it all the time!

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal?

Oof the portayal is uhh not great lmao. If you've seen Spiderman: Far From Home, You get a glimps of a dutch village and its not accurate at all haha. you see people wearing old farmer outfits and chickens and pigs walking around and in cages and thats def not what the netherlands look like. We just wear normal outfits like everyone else and dont let animals lose. The only thing that was accurate though, were the football hooligans that Peter shared a (inaccurate) jail with haha.

#thank you for the ask! :D #ask stuff #margo talks

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yasmins--blog · 3 years

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Introduction to studyblr :)

So I figured that keeping up with a blog might help me relax and stop dreading to study, I also feel like it’s a fun habit. Given that I am completely new here I decided to do a tag, I found this one on the blog of jaysstudyplace

What’s your degree/major?

I am not attending a college or university, I’m still in high school. I live in the Netherlands where you can choose a selection of classes that fit you and/or your dream study after high school. I choose ‘culture and society’, I have 2 classes about society, philosophy, German, Art (I do AP art), geography, history, and the basic subjects every student has including: English, P.E, Dutch and an art theory class called CKV. I am not attending all classes yet because I am in my third year and these selections are ‘available’ in your fourth year, I did make my choice this year.

What does a typical day look like?

If I can go to school physically I wake up between 6:30 am and 7:00 am, do my morning routine and bike to school around 8:00 am, then I have classes from 8:30 am until 4:00 pm. After classes I hang out with my friends and do some homework, well TRY to do some homework, until around 6:00 pm, then I go home for dinner, sit with my family, take a shower and go to bed between 9:30 pm and 10:30 pm. I do most of my homework on the weekends or during the evening when I’m with parents.

Weakest subject?

Mathematics, hands down my weakest subject. Last semester I got a 30% on both of the tests I took, afterwards my teacher told me I only got a 30% because she didn’t grade lower..... I was able to drop maths for next year so at least I won’t have to take an exam in it.

What is your strongest subject?

Either English or history. English is my second language but I do speak it fluently and did higher level English ever since the 7th grade (brugklas), it has finally come to the point where the classes are being thaught at a higher level and I really enjoy actually learning something in English hahaha. For history it all just makes sense to me, the way things play out just falls in place and the causes and consequenses are very easy for me to see/find.

What is your favourite subject?

History, as I said before it all just makes sense to me and I really want to learn about the history of the world, how did we end up the way we did? I think it is truly fascinating to read about that. My teacher is also very passionate about the subject so his excitement really makes history classes my favourite.

Are you a doodler?

Yes, I take AP art and when I am bored I try to come up with new ideas for these classes. My notes consist for about 30% of doodles, when I am studying for a test I try not to get distracted so those notes aren’t filled with doodles.

When do you plan to graduate?

If everything goes to plan I will graduate in the (school)year of 2022-2023.

Do you plan to do a post-grad?

I do not attend a college so I will not get the chance to do a post-grad in the near future. We’ll see when we get there :)

Are you a morning or night studier?

I’m a night-owl. I find that I focus better when the rest of the house/ world around me is asleep, it makes me feel free.

How often do you go out and party?

Right now I obviously don’t, not that I did before, I am underage and so are all my friends so we don’t really go clubbing and we never really hang out in the weekends because all of us have busy lifes. All of us do a separate study besides the regular one, I do an art study with 3 other friends and the other 2 do a sport study, so we all have work to do on the weekends.

Do you pull all-nighters?

Only during testweek, I want to able to actively participate in my classes during the day so I try to sleep at least 5 hours a night. DISCLAIMER: I have insomnia due to other mental problems and take medication to sleep, that’s why I only sleep about 5 hours. I do not reccomend only sleeping 5 hours since the amount the human body needs is about 7/8 hours.

What’s your proudest academic achievement?

This is a really hard one but if I have to think one it’s the time when we did a group project for English and geography and my group was the first group ever to get a 100% mark (for the English part) in all the years the project existed.

I hope you all got to know me a bit better and if you want answer the questions in the comments or tag me in your posts, I would love to hear about your (academic) life :)

#studyblr studytag tag firstpost

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kaylor · 3 years

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Would you recommend holidaying in Holland (after the pandemic ofc)? There's so much id love to see but I'm anxious about going to mainland Europe because of racism. Is it commonplace/ pronounced? And is it true that most people speak English as a second language

of course!! in terms of attractions idk what you're after but the main cities (amsterdam and the hague) are definitely worth it and utrecht is super cute too if you want to go off the beaten path a little. amsterdam has the rijksmuseum and the van gogh museum, the hague has the peace palace, the mauritshuis (from goldfinch fame if that's your thing) and if you want you can book a tour at the international criminal court but i thought it was really boring. obviously canal tours are fun, if overpriced. the novelty is in seeing the city from that specific angle but if you just want to explore, imo just rent a bike and you're golden.

if you go in springtime definitely go to the keukenhof (the big famous tulip garden) it's beautttt. outside of the randstad (where the main cities are) i've actually not seen much tbh. it's worth having a cycle round the dunes (if your quads are up to it) near katwijk/scheveningen/kijkduin and get chips or pancakes at the seafront. trains are cheap as chips so you can city hop pretty easily.

you don't actually need to go to limburg to get a limburgse vlaai but they're a pretty important thing to get your chops round at some point. most dutch food is not great but i do like a vlaai, or a classic apple cake. but you have to get the one with the pastry plaits on top, not the apple crumble cake. the other one is just better. if you visit in the autumn/december please find a bakery or market baker who will sell you a gevulde speculaaskoek which is like,, soft spiced cake filled with almond sugar paste (a proper one that's layered, not the round generic ones you get all year). after my family that's the biggest thing i miss from home.

most people here do speak a little english, some more than others. it's mandatory throughout school. if they notice you're not dutch most (urban) people will immediately switch to english. my mum's lived there for 20+ years and speaks dutch quite well but people still hear her accent and switch over (even tho she wants to speak dutch)

as for racism, the netherlands is just as racist as any other majority white country. i honestly can't give you any advice on what your experience of it would be because im white and am absolutely not in any position to speak on that with authority. i know over the past 5-10 years the anti-immigrant party has grown considerably, as they have across the continent, but i haven't lived there myself for the past 6 almost 7 years so i don't really have an ear to the ground. but either way as a white person i really can't give you an idea of what it's like as a person of colour in holland. if any of my followers can help, reply/send asks !

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qtakesams · 5 years

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Dutch Reflections: A Take on (Non-Existent?) Culture Shock

When I first started my search for an abroad program and then selected one, the world travelers in my life started warning me about one specific thing: culture shock. Everything from what this could mean for me and how I could handle it. What to do if I got to my study location and decided within a few days that I hated it. When to recognize signs of culture shock and collect methods to resolve the issue.

Somewhat obviously, culture shock is like academic stress or a light headache in that it affects us all very differently in different ways. Some people, especially those who do not travel until they are older and therefore do not know what another country could be like, are hit hard and fall into depression. Others, like me right now, notice the many cultural differences, but accept them rather easily.

Generally, I’m a relaxed and chill person. I do sometimes stress easily, but I manage it pretty well. It takes a lot for something or someone to annoy me so much that I feel the need to escape the situation or say something. This is all part of why, when everybody around me began telling me I should worry about serious stress or culture shock, I didn’t give much thought to their words.

The biggest form of stress most exchange students encounter is a language barrier. You never actually realize how important it is to communicate until you do something simple like order a drink or ask when the next bus arrives. Then, you realize it is imperative for you to be able to ask your question and receive a comprehensive response quickly. Students who go to Berlin, take German. Before Florence, they take Italian. Before Tokyo, they take Japanese. These are a handful of the places where English is hardly spoken outside of the inner city or high tourist density. If you visit these places expecting to not get lost only using your proper manners, you will be sorely mistaken.

Before I knew of my acceptance to my program in Amsterdam, I knew there was almost no language barrier. I’ve written about this prior to this post, but one can travel almost anywhere in the Netherlands and whomever you need to interact with likely speaks borderline fluent English.

Because of knowing this, the currency, and some general background history, I had expected I wouldn’t be hit too hard by culture shock.

This summer, I lived with eighteen other college students whilst doing an internship in Edgewater, Maryland. Of course, this meant I did not live alone and when I wanted a friend I could just walk into the common room and strike conversation. We did, however, each live off of our own paychecks and food. My parents provided me their spare car for the summer, so once a week I went grocery shopping and bought $40 worth of the cheapest one-person groceries I could buy.

We drove ourselves everywhere, cooked for ourselves, paid our own rent, and took ourselves to the urgent care center in town when we had tick bites and sinus infections. It was the first time in my life I was providing almost completely for myself. My parents took care of my phone bill and bought me a round-trip plane ticket to a family wedding in late July, but I did most everything else.

It was a huge wake-up call, showing me that yes, I could survive on my own if thrown into a poverty-stricken scenario. On the other hand, the experience showed me how much I need to learn. How to cook proper and healthy meals, track spending, and manage time. How to reallyspeak to people with eye contact and confidence. Truthfully, when I return to life as a normal college student in the spring, I’m not even sure how I’ll be able to bring myself to letting somebody else keep cooking for me.

With all of this under my belt, I got on my first ever international flight from Philadelphia to Dublin, worrying really only about how to catch my connection in Dublin to Amsterdam (it turns out, Dublin Terminal 2 is extremely small, and you can catch a connection in under thirty minutes). The first week I was here, I was whisked so quickly between orientation activities and new friends to the point where I wasn’t even trying to keep up with how my surroundings had changed.

It wasn’t until the end of the week, when I started going to the store and restaurants without a tour guide, that I realized I was really in a new country, living there.

A changing cultural aspect I was actually looking forward in the summer was the Dutch bluntness. The Dutch are known for how direct they can be, speaking in terms that we would deem rude in America. If you are standing in a group blocking the sidewalk, a Dutch person will simply part their hands and force you to separate. If you use sarcasm toward a Dutch person, they will take you literally. Truthfully, I do like this, as it feels good for someone to simply say what they mean. The sarcasm, however, takes adjustment.

Yesterday, I went out to dinner with two of my international friends. After a week of what felt like eating on the go or eating in a student environment, we all agreed it was delightful to venture on our own and eat food with other adult human beings.

The place we chose was an Italian restaurant, located in a tourist square not far from the opera house in Amsterdam. We approached the outdoor seating, and a waiter beckoned us in and handed us menus. We sat for maybe ten minutes, people-watching, until another waitress came by and took our food and beverage order. Another few minutes went by, and food and beverage came.

Now, keep in mind that because I am learning to bike in Amsterdam and the public transportation is difficult to learn, expensive, and sometimes unnecessary, I walked everywhere last week. According to my phone, I walked about 7-10 miles every day the first five days I was here. This includes the first day, when I was so jetlagged, I could have cried every time somebody spoke to me.

So, because of this, I’ve been drinking water. Lots of it, constantly. One of the weirder cultural aspects of Amsterdam I very much appreciate is that drinking water comes from the tap, and all taps are usable. People fill their water bottles using hoses sticking out of the ground in public spaces, something unheard of in America.

As I sit at this lovely restaurant eating our pasta, I finish my water in probably just two gulps, and patiently wait for the waiter to come refill it. And I wait. And I wait some more.

Eventually, my friend asks for a refill, and another waitress returns with an entirely new glass of water. I consider asking for one but decide not to bother.

After several minutes of sitting with our plates clean and glasses empty, we begin to wait for the check. In the back of my mind, I begin wondering if the food will soon be free because the service is presumably horrid.

Then, my other friend suggests an article she read before we arrived, one that described restaurant customs in the Netherlands. Basically, unlike in America where the staff routinely refills your drink and brings your check in a timely manner, you must ask for everything you need.

I don’t dislike this because I am too lazy to ask for the check, or flag down a waitress for more beverage. I dislike it because it feels demeaning to the staff to ask them for everything, like a needy child in a supermarket. Yet, when we ask the waitress for the check, and then to split it, she does it with a large smile spread across her face. It’s interesting.

What is perhaps most shocking about culture shock, is that what can seem extremely rude or weird to you is entirely normal for everybody else around you.

Many parts of Amsterdam look and feel just like America. This is mostly in the city center where fast food chains and cheap gifts line the canals for American tourists. In other areas, such as Amsterdam West and the Red-light District, the Dutch allow what we consider their freak flag to fly at top mast.

Amsterdam is pretty much known for liberal views and tolerated pot, along with several cultural norms that most other countries view as inappropriate or odd. Yet, mixed into that oddity is a brand new perspective one may find interesting if they have the courage to step outside their country’s own beliefs.

#study abroad #Amsterdam #europe #culture

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batsidian · 5 years

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tagged by @artisadieside

Answer the 21 questions, then tag 21 people you’d like to get to know better.

Nickname: peach( y) ,lise

Zodiac: Taurus

Height: 172cm

Last movie I saw: amelie poulin,very nice 👌

Last thing I googled:blue calcite ( no suprise, I'm a mineral nerd)

Favorite musician: can't choose one,I like daft punk, little dragon, tame impala

Song stuck in my head: fleet foxes- white winter hymnal

Other Blogs: su,mfbb, personal, dead made blog

Do I get asks?: r a r e l y

Following: i follow 374 and have 319 followers

Amount of sleep: idk I can't put a number on it

Lucky number: 27,my birthday

What I’m wearing: blue sweatpants, light blue knitted sweater and fluffy stripped socks

Dream job: I d k

Dream trip: England would be nice, I've never been there

Favorite food: pizzzza

Play any instruments: n o

Languages: native is Dutch but I obviously also know English but also a tiny bit of French

Favorite songs: James blake-power on

deltarune soundtrack and some Justice

Random fact: I can't ride a bike ( I have DCD my dudes)

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: peachy coloured things, transparent things, crystalsssss,nicely layed out makeup skincare or art supplies

people I’m gonna tag: @appletart09 @sh4nn1ek1tty @lizuni

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siryellowpurplehelmet · 5 years

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I was tagged by @charlesgasly and @f1stan to do this question thingy💕 Nickname: Nikit Ethnicity: Dutch/European Eye colour: Green Siblings: I have a 16-year old brother Country: The Netherlands Do you have any pets: I currently have 2 cats, Sien and Dodo. Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff How many languages can you speak: Dutch and English fluently, and a little bit of French and Spanish. Guilty pleasures: I don’t know, too many. Favourite thing to do with your friends: I love visiting new city’s with them or going to the movies. I also love card games; they make boring moments less boring. Favourite songs at the moment: I currently have two songs that I absolutely love. ‘Whole lot in love’ by Austin Burke and ‘Lie to me’ by Mikolas Josef. Favourite movie: Disney’s Tangled Favourite hobbies: Drawing, Watching tv-shows, tumblr, and a bit of painting from time to time. Any phobias: Insects, Failure, Speaking in public (to large crowds)

Name 3 things you don’t like about yourself and other 3 things you love (physical and/or intellectual): I don’t like: - My non-existent social skills - The fact that I don’t practice any sports because I’d rather be home watching tv shows. - My ability to procrastinate things till the last minute I like: - How I started to accept myself (physical appearance) more since I started uni. - My humour - My creativity

What was/is your best subject in school/uni: All the art subjects. Favourite sport: I used to do gymnastics and bike racing but stopped because I wasn’t making any progress. Now I only watch sports and I obviously love Formula 1. What style describes you: Casual Is marriage included in your life goals: No, I don’t consider it a life goal, as long as someone loves you and you love them back marriage isn’t a need. I tag: Everyone in McFamily 2.0

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withlovesanne-blog · 6 years

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#1 Growing up a TCK

Hi, my name is Sanne! This is my first blog post, however it’s not a ‘get to know me’ type of post. Still, the topic of this first post is not completely irrelevant if you want to know more about me and my life. I wanted to write my first blog post about being a so-called third culture kid (TCK). Third culture kids spend a majority of their developmental years in a country with a different culture from their parents’ and from what is named on their passport. I’m one of those kids.

I was born in the Netherlands; a tiny country known for its tulips, rainy days and bicycles. I grew up in a little town house and spent my time sitting on the back of my dad’s bike to go visit the cows. When I was five years old, my parents took 12 suitcases and three kids, one of them being a screaming 3-month old baby, on an 8-hour flight to Washington Dulles International Airport. Although my siblings and I were young, it still wasn't easy. Let's start with me; a five-year old girl with pigtails and a hello kitty backpack being dropped off at the ‘Early Childhood Center’ screaming the words ‘why are you doing this to me’ to her mom, who then decided never to bring her daughter to school again. My dad was then brave enough to step in and take over my mom’s job of bringing their little five-year old to school. The screaming stopped after three months. My younger brother handled things differently. Instead of choosing for the panic mode and blaming everything on our parents, like I did, he decided to handle things more calmly, by just not speaking at all and seeing what happens. Patience is key, after all. Six months after he started preschool his teachers started showing concerns over the fact that he still hadn’t spoken a single word since he had arrived. My mother asked him what was wrong, to which he replied that the other children didn’t speak Dutch yet, but that there was no need to worry because he was sure they would learn eventually. Several weeks later, he was picked up from school with a big smile on his face. He explained that the children at school were finally starting to speak Dutch, not knowing that it was him who was starting to understand the English language. Our time in the United States consisted of eating mac & cheese at the mall, swimming in our neighbours’ pool, riding bikes into town, trips to the pumpkin patch during the fall, and getting to pick out the biggest chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks. After four years, it was time to go back to the Netherlands.

You’d think going back to your passport country is easy. I thought so at least. It’s where I'm from, so shouldn't it be easier to go back? Isn’t it where I ‘belong’? It appeared that spending four years in the United States made us a little more American and a little less Dutch. Instead of taking the big yellow school bus, we rode our bikes through the rain. Instead of bringing a big lunchbox to school or getting lunch in the cafeteria, our water bottles and sandwiches were stuffed in our backpacks, resulting into sandwiches as flat as paper because they were stuffed in between our books, and a wet backpack because my new pony-themed water bottle leaked. The school library was half the size of the library we were used to, and worst of all, Junie B. Jones and the Magic Treehouse were nowhere to be found. Knowing all the U.S. states was suddenly very unimportant, and being able to spell Mississippi wasn't something the other kids were impressed by either. Overall, it was quite a disaster. But like everything else, it just needed time. A year later, my siblings and I rode our bikes to school, soccer practice and dance class, knew all the provinces in The Netherlands instead of all the U.S. states and played out on the streets until the street lights turned on, meaning it was time to go inside.

Time passed and it was time to move on again. The flight was a little bit longer this time; 10 hours to be exact. The final destination: Beijing, China. Back when I lived in the United States, I was obsessed with the Magic Schoolbus books. My personal favourite was the one where they went to China. Although I enjoyed that book more than any other book, I made a promise to myself that I would never ever go to China. Look where that got me. I looked through my old emails the other day and found an email I sent to one of my best friends back in the Netherlands, about four hours after we had arrived. It was clear that I wasn’t exactly excited to be there. I hated everything. I hated the food, even though my parents took us to restaurants where we could eat pizza and lasagna. I said the food still tasted different because they got their ingredients from somewhere else. I hated that everything was in Chinese and not in Dutch. So inconvenient. I hated the shops, I claimed the H&M there was obviously very different, and not as good as in The Netherlands. Basically, I looked for a way to hate everything Beijing had to offer and got annoyed with my parents when they told me I was overreacting, which I obviously was, and I knew it. Again, time was all I needed, and I eventually started to enjoy my life in the beautiful, but polluted Beijing. My siblings and I went to an incredible international school where they had more facilities than all of our old schools together. The teachers and the other students were from all over the world. But naturally, I missed my old school and friends too, and never really appreciated what I had back then. I think that moving around the world has given me so many incredible experiences, but because I always missed the country I lived in before, I never truly appreciated what I had until I moved away again.

I now live back in The Netherlands, and have adjusted to rainy bike rides every morning. Moving every couple of years has been a big challenge and definitely hasn't made my life any easier. I’ve grown up saying goodbyes and am always missing people and places. Having said that, I think my siblings and I have had a childhood like no other, and are extremely lucky to have such a broad knowledge of the world around us.

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” - Miriam Adeney

With love,

Sanne

#posts

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moonsquaremars · 3 years

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My Languages

Part 2

Danish.

I can’t really say what attiréd me to Dansk. Was it the movie, the Prince and Me, with the fabulous Julia Stiles? One could say that. If you look at life as purely materialistic, and nothing more. But to be quite frank, that movie didn’t make that big of an impression on me, other than the fact that it was my only real exposure to Denmark growing up. I didn’t know any Danes. In Kentucky, where I was raised, there’s not a sizeable scandinavian community. There really is nothing tangibly physical that I could say caused me to become so enamoured with Denmark, Danish, and the nordic region at large. I can’t even quite conceptualize when it began, either. I just recall thinking about all the languages I wanted to learn, and somehow Danish became a priority.

The spiritual side of me suspects I had a great past life there. Have you ever had a country (or person) you’ve met, and just kind of love or hated for no particular reason? Well, you probably have past life energy there, so the theory goes. So that must be it. Or maybe it’s just all of the aquarius in my natal chart. Scandinavia seems so aquarius. Technologically advanced, intelligent, prosperous. They weren’t always that way, but the region’s history is so rich and fascinating. I feel like I could live in Denmark, Norway, Finland, the Faroe Islands, for a thousand lifetimes. It’s a pity I don’t have any connection to them, yet.

On the subject of synchronicity, where things just kinda unexpectedly happen but all make sense. Like the fact that my friend’s dad brought up alchemy randomly (I rarely hear about alchemy) then a couple hours later someone else randomly brings it up. Two in one day. It’s kinda like that.

Well, I could go two paths here. Stay on synchronicity, or go back to middle school when my infatuation with Denmark arose. My routine, while living with grandma, was to wake up in the morning, go to the living room. She would make us cinnamon toast, and I would watch TV. When I was younger, I’d then go out and play with neighborhood friends. But this was middle school, and we had drifted apart. I habitually would just browse the computer, while I comfortably sat in the living room, feeling cozy and warm in juxtaposition to the cold, gloomy, winter weather outside. Reading about Danish culture, and specifically the alcoholism, made me feel so warm and /excited/. Just reading aout Denmark and how people would get hammered and throw up on the city streets, riding their bikes. Gee. I was like, this is amazing! I wanna live there. Maybe that’s where my alcoholism started?

Well I suppose maybe that was just it. I just saw a movie about a Danish prince, then stumbled upon random internet information and the rest is history. Well, not quite. After I had a deeply profound conversion to Mormonism, I ran away from home to Utah. I met a homeless man there in temple square, and I of course was heaily mormon and set on the church being true and not open to other spiritual thought, but obviously still exposed to it. Well this homeless man and I were talking, and he told me about some experience he had where he was speaking in tongues and the people he was with said that he was speaking Old Danish. Well what are the odds that I run away from home, strike up a conversation with this random homeless man, and he mentions having a spiritual experience where he spoke a language only a few million people know out of billions. Maybe it’s not that unique, maybe he was speaking gibberish, and some returned missionary with decent exposure to northern european germanic languages got the impression he was making Old Danish noises. I don’t quite recall the details, but I will entertain the skeptics.

Regardless, maybe we had a past life connection. I haven’t seen or talked to that homeless man since, but I always think about that when I think about Denmark now. And I have been able to study Danish. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I wish I had more time and more use for it. I could say rød grød med fløde for hours. I could die in Copenhagen a happy man. A happy, drunk, alcoholic man, with all of my hygge and the cosmopolitan amenities europe has to offer.

Alas, I really do have no use for the language. No one shares my passion, and I have other things to worry about. It will always pique my interest though when Denmark or scandinavia is mentioned. Maybe one day I’ll get to at least visit the country, maybe that will give me some kind of closure. I will end by reflecting on one of the happier nights of my most recent life. It was a chilly night, I was dating Craig, a man much older than I who I wasn’t particularly attracted to in the romantic sense (was I?), but he made me feel comfortable. So comfortable, and loved. He fell asleep on the couch like usual, and I stayed up watching the tele. This time I was down the rabit hole of watching youtube videos about scandinavian history. I pranced around the house while he slept, eating these oriental flavored pretzel things from costco that were quite good, and just felt so in awe and in love with life. Soaking up the atmosphere and that warm cozy feeling that comes with being under the same roof of someone you love and trust on a moonlit, frosty night. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. And now I recall a similar feeling, with my high school boyfriend Andrew. It was a similar relationship. I had little romantic and sexual interest, but like Craig, Andrew was quite pushy and kind of coerced me into the relationship. And I got comfortable. We had spent the evening walking down Frankfort avenue, eating sushi at my favorite restaurant, Osaka, then stopped in a mom and pop catholic bookstore. They impressed me with their language selection, which is always the first section I go to in any library or bookstore. There was a book on Dutch and Finnish that I was torn between, but I ended up getting the some decades old Teach Yourself Finnish book. I ended the night up in his attic bedroom in his charming old home. I popped some hydrocodones, and as he slept I taught myself Finnish while the warmth of the opiates spread throughout my body. I was happy. Genuinely.

#rød grød med fløde #Denmark #danish love #dansk #jeg elsker danmark #jeg elsker dansk #danish #nordic #northern europe #gay love #the prince and me #past lives #languages #synchronicity #copenhagen #mormon

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skippingthesurface · 6 years

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The Netherlands: Week Two

We packed up the cars and our friends drove George, Saskia and myself to the local train station where we hopped on the next train departing to Amsterdam. We got off at Amsterdam Central station and caught the tram to Leidseplein, the location of our hotel and where Saskia would be collected by her friend who she would be staying with for the next week. We said our goodbyes and made our way to the ‘King Hotel’ to check in.

Not the most attractive of hotels but in the best location for tourists! We were right on the canal (with a canal view room), a mere 60 seconds from the centre of Leidseplein and the tram stop. Everything we needed was on our doorstep, including Vondel Park, the Bulldog, the Heineken museum and much more.

I’ve left this part of my blog way too long to remember everything clearly but i will tell you the highlights and what i would recommend. First of all the hotel is perfect for travelers on a budget and the location is perfect for both food and drinks and also for quick travel around the city.

Leidseplein has a wide range of eateries all within walking distance. My favourite for general cuisine was ‘In De Buurt’, a very modern and classy restaurant with complete wine list and bar also available. They served fantastic rustic food for a reasonable price. The other restaurant i cannot forget is about 20 minutes walk from Leidseplein square or 10 minutes on the tram and goes by the name ‘De Bekeerde Suster’. This one is great for people who love beer and BBQ ribs as much as i do! They have a generously sized menu consisting of honest, hearty meals and a huge range of beers, ales and lagers on both draught and by the bottle.

When it comes to drinking, the famous spot to be is ‘The Bulldog’. Once you go you will understand why. This place is jam-packed full every night of the week and open till late. They have many around the city but the biggest is in Leidseplein square. It’s a place you can go for live music, cocktails, sports and beers on the ground level or the place you can go to smoke your favourite seed alongside freshly squeezed juice, closely followed by a mountain of pancakes in the lower level. They also have cafe’s under their brand name where you can go for special brewed tea and space cakes. The best night we had in there might even have been on a supposedly ‘quiet’ Monday night (even though to our virgin eyes it seemed full) to listen to a live Jazz band. Fantastic atmosphere! If your style is a little different to mine then fear not as Leidseplein square has something for everyone, from comedy clubs, to dive bars, to live rock music, to swanky cocktail bars playing lounge music. The majority of these places also have outside seating with overhead heating, perfect for a romantic glass of wine and people watching.

As for museums, site seeing and excursions, here are my top 10;

1. ‘Anne Frank’s Huis’ is of course a must. People all over the world, when they think of Amsterdam, connect it to Anne Frank (give or take a few other attractions!) and are eager to feel the history behind it. When i say ‘feel’ i mean feel... the aura inside is enough to make your hairs stand on end. The building now, due to the influx of tourists is remarkably big as far as Amsterdam houses go but only because it’s been extended to fit in a reception, cafe and gift shop. However, the house itself is preserved and is the absolute original. We paid a mere €9 each for a full tour plus the extra optional costs in the cafe and gift shop.

2. A canal cruise was also one of the best things we did in the city. It’s called ‘100 Highlights Cruise’, costs €15pp and lasts 60 minutes. The description is in the title but i’ll tell you anyway! It takes you on a guided tour along some of the canals, explaining what you are seeing along the way through headphones. (These headphones are included in the ticket price and give you the option to select which language you desire). We were lucky enough a witness an unusual and rather funny occurrence on our trip, as half way along one of the canals we narrowly had to squeeze past a water skip. It was obviously supplied by the council to do some canal cleaning, much like a road-sweeper but the range and peculiarity of the objects they were retrieving from the bottom of these canals were incredible. I’m sure there are more bicycles 6ft under water than there are in the Tour De France! The local joke when tourists ask ‘How deep are the canals?’ is for the locals to answer 'Three meters; one meter of water, one meter of mud and one meter of bikes’. Only in Holland.

3. Vondel Park! This was such a beautiful part of the city, full of lakes and grassy pastures and is again only about 10 minutes walk from the ‘King Hotel’. It became clear that this must be the place-to-be in the summer months, as scattered around the park where huge stages and remnants of concerts and festivals. However, even in February the park was beautiful and full of life, both wildlife and human life. Many people jogging, walking the dogs, busking, feeding the ducks, taking photographs. It really is a hub of life all year round. Take a stroll with your morning coffee and breathe in the fresh air, i assure you it won’t be a waste of time.

4. I am not a massive fan of museums in the true sense of the word as i tend to enjoy other attractions a lot more but having said that the ‘Rijks Museum’ might have been an exception for me. This place was truly stunning inside and out. Even at first glance it is a treat for the eyes because of it’s enormous size, regal design and the big ‘I AMsterdam’ letters outside it’s front door. The entrance fee is €17.50pp for a one day ticket allowing you to stay as long as you wish and includes a floor plan.

5. The Sex Museum was possibly the most entertaining. I’ll leave this to your imagination but it is definitely worth a visit and cheap entrance fee. It’s located in ‘Damrak’ the area exactly where the central station is.

6. The Heineken was also one of the few museums i enjoy, one where it is 100% acceptable to drink whilst inside the building. It is actually a distillery turned into an interactive tour in the heart of the city. It’s an 8 minute tram ride from Leidseplein and costs €16pp entrance and tour, if booked online.

7. The Red Light District is a real eye-opener and a 100% must see! The district is located between Nieuw Market and Dam Square and very close to the central station (15 minute by tram from Leidseplein). We visited here in the night time, purely because we thought it was the logical thing to do so i cannot tell you what there has to offer in the daytime. However, in the night time, the long street with the canal running through the middle, is lit up exactly how you would imagine in neon lights and offers you everything you could want. There you can wander through the side streets and admire the gorgeous women behind the red doors, peruse the sex shops, attend a live sex show or one of the countless strip clubs. The hidden gem is the VIP area on one of the side streets. Inside here are again beautiful prostitutes behind red doors but the most expensive and elite ones. Spoiler: 75% of these ones are actual men and i swear they are more stunning than the regular women!

8. A flower market may sound boring to most people but I personally adored the famous one they have in Koningsplein! The edge of the canal is laced with floating stalls selling thousands of different types of flowers and seeds, whilst on the other side of the walkway you have many tourist and souvenirs shops, so taking a walk down there will definitely keep you entertained for a few hours. This is only a short 10 minute walk from Leidseplein and is open everyday, normal working hours, even on Sunday.

9. Dam Square lies in the historical district of Amsterdam and is a lovely day out to take in the sites of the heart of the city. It’s a short walk from central station to Dam Square, a place filled with beautiful architecture, a combination of highstreet and designer shops, cafes and restaurants. Here is the perfect place to do all your shopping at once, souvenirs, gifts for the family and a quick stop in H&M or Zara along the way, interspersed with pit stops at quaint cafes within easy reach. Here the buildings are magnificent and include structures such as, the Royal Palace, the National Monument, Madame Tussaud’s and many more. The square is never quiet and always has some kind of event going on. Whether it be a fun fair, a market or just full of some of the many street performers. We saw an incredible magician the day we passed through!

10. The Albert Cuyp Market! This for me was one of my favourites! It’s located in De Pijp, a 12 minute tram journey from Leidseplein and is open every Monday - Saturday. This place is incredible, doused in stalls selling everything from antiques to clothes and serving up street food. Here you can buy local fish from the mongers, real Dutch cheese or watch them make traditional baby pancakes or stroopwafles in front of your eyes.

That sums up our busy week in the city! We stayed for 7 days and for us it was the perfect length of time but if you are organised (people who wake up early!) or on a budget I would say you can easily do Amsterdam in 3 or 4 days and manage to squeeze in the highlights. It’s a fabulous city and has something to offer for all walks of life.

One other important tip i should mention is to purchase a travel card. You can get these from the kiosks or at central station and you choose how many days you want the pass for. The prices change depending on which deal you select. This card includes trams and buses and you just swipe the card at the available machines once on board your form of transportation.

One day i hope to return and see it familiar, not with flustered eyes. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Here are my personal favourite photos of the city break...

#amsterdam #holland #netherlands #kinghotel #leidseplein

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