#sure i can be frustrated by what i view as misinterpretations but i am genuinely winning the idgaf wars enough to just move on | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

freddieofhearts · 3 years

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Bye bye, dears (for now!)

I know there have been a lot of rumours and some posts about me leaving, so here I am to set the record straight and say a quick ‘au revoir’. This post is long, and I don’t expect everyone to read the whole thing—if you just want information on how to keep in touch, or about access to my removed fics, scroll to the bottom. ⬇️

Why are you leaving?

Firstly, of course I’m not leaving Freddie. This is just an ongoing hiatus from the social side of fandom, because while I have some incredible friends here, who have done all they can to support me and have made this experience wonderful in lots of ways—it’s also true that the social space has become more and more toxic for me.

I get a wild amount of hate. Despite never having my ask box enabled on here, people create new accounts just to message me and tell me all the problems in this fandom are my fault, that I’m faking being sick, that I should kill myself, that I’m fat, etc. I also very regularly get hateful comments on AO3.

Obviously I realise that I’m not the only one who receives these cruel attacks, but it’s become increasingly hard to handle them—especially as some people (‘real’ accounts, not faceless anons) do continue to blame me for wider problems in the fandom. It makes me feel consistently sad, anxious, and paranoid, so that I can’t focus on anything Queen-related that I enjoy.

More pressingly, it’s affected my mental health, which is—imperfect at the best of times. As I’ve occasionally alluded to in older posts on this blog, I have a history of anorexia, OCD, PTSD, and some other overlapping issues. Most people who know me in the fandom are also aware that I’m ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ to Covid-19, significantly immunocompromised, and have been isolating at home for eleven months.

The combination of all of these things + the constant toxic messages has really been triggering me, and leading to an uptick in disordered behaviours, which my body cannot sustain. Every new instance of hate from an anon—every time there’s another indication of groups in the fandom wanting to ostracise me further—my reaction is deeply self-punitive and unhealthy. Ultimately I need to be out of this environment for, at least, a protracted period. My therapist, my partner and my close friends in the fandom support this decision.

So, what went wrong?

In 2019, I expected to be an absolutely tiny blog in the Queen Tumblr landscape. The fandom was already well-established, and I have never worked to ‘build a following’ on here—I think I’ve linked my own fic a maximum of three or four times!—in fact, more or less the opposite. As I mentioned above: ya girl is nutty as a fruitcake. As a result, I often avoid extremely niche things in daily life which cause severe anxiety for me, Relevant examples here: I never look at my timeline. I never intentionally look at my follower number. Yup, it’s strange, I fully admit it, but it’s best for me to go with these things—usually. In Queen fandom, however, this avoidance both of analytic stats and of most direct engagement led to some problems... My followers grew without me realising, and way more people were reading my blog than I was aware of. I was still in a—“Wow, this fandom is very frustrating, and rife with ableism, racism, etc., so how do we fix this???”—mindset, and I wanted to share my opinions, sure! but I also thought I was sharing them with 15-20 like-minded people.

Now, intent is not impact, and I recognise that I was brusque, didn’t phrase things particularly sensitively, and absolutely did hurt some people by criticising the fandom so freely. I still regret this—and I regret just as much the fact that some assholes have used my criticising the fandom on my own blog as implicit justification for attacking authors. I have said on here many times that I don’t condone that behaviour—but I also think there’s some truth in the presumption that these anonymous malcontents felt my critiques somehow ‘permitted’ them to engage in abuse. For the first few months, though, I genuinely had no idea there was a link at all—and so I was initially slow to condemn this abusive behaviour in public, because I was taking it for granted all authors agreed it was shitty. It took someone directly telling me (shoutout to @a-froger-epic) that people had identified a connection between my posts and the anons, before everything fell into place.

I would like to offer my apologies to the fandom at large for not being more quick on the uptake about this, because I feel that had I realised sooner that these people were taking ‘inspiration’ in some way from me, it might have been easier to put a stop to it. It does seem that there is still a lot of confusion about whether I support them and which of their views I agree with. Let’s be 100% clear on this: I do not support the anonymous commenters on AO3. At times there is some, limited overlap between parts of their views and parts of mine, but even that is less than you may think—I often see anonymous comments from so-called ‘Freddie fans’ that I substantially disagree with.

Perhaps even more importantly: I do not support anyone who sends anonymous hate on Tumblr.

What’s all this about ‘overlap’ with the anons?

Let’s do a mini-summary of the myths vs. the truth. There are views I hold which are genuinely unpopular in the fandom—but which I own up to completely, and have never tried to hide in any way. I’ve never needed to use anonymous to share my opinions because I’m completely open about them! What people who don’t know me tend to have ‘heard’ about me, though, is usually a drastic distortion of my real opinions.

What people think I think:

- Freddie should never top.

- It’s okay to send anon hate if someone writes Freddie ‘wrong’.

- It’s more important to correct ‘wrong’ portrayals than to respect other writers.

- It’s inherently wrong to be more interested in band pairings than canon pairings.

- Freddie should be overtly written as a r*pe survivor/victim (and not doing this is wrong).

- Freddie should be overtly written as having an eating disorder (and not doing this is wrong).

- Kink fics are wrong.

What I actually think:

- I believe Freddie did have a strongly defined sexual identity with marked preferences, but I don’t think Jim Hutton lied when he said that Freddie topped. I believe Freddie did top, but this isn’t the time or place to get into my thoughts on why/when/how much. I do believe that my analysis of the sources relevant to this subject is as historically accurate as one can reasonably be in matters of sex (where historical accuracy will always be particularly limited and imperfect)—but I don’t think it’s morally wrong to write Freddie as topping more than he probably did.

- I don’t believe there’s only one ‘right’ version of Freddie (all others being ‘wrong’). I do believe it is possible to be more right or less right—but I’m also conscious of the fact that this scale of value is not one by which everyone measures fanfiction. As a result, then, I don’t think that any perceptions surrounding ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ justify sending anonymous, non-constructive criticism, or outright hate.

- I do believe constructive criticism is a good thing. I welcome and appreciate it myself; I have received it on my fics in Queen fandom, and it has made them better. I have been in writing workshops which included very forceful criticisms, and the value of such feedback has been intimately and immediately part of my life as a writer for years. However: in this case, I have accepted that my opinion differs from the general community preference, and so I no longer offer any constructive criticism (outside private beta-reading). I haven’t changed my view, but I’ve changed my practice to align with community norms.

- I do not think any single, individual writer has a personal responsibility to write about Freddie Mercury in any given way. That ranges from including the more distressing topics to which I’ve devoted attention (such as trauma)—to concentrating on ‘canon’ pairings like Jimercury—to, even, focusing on Freddie at all.

“Now, that doesn’t sound like you, @freddieofhearts,” you might be thinking. And I know it doesn’t; I think something I’ve done a poor job of articulating is the difference between how I view each individual fan—namely, as free to shape their creative experience at will, even in ways that I might find distressing or offensive; even in ways that you might find distressing or offensive—and the way I view the Collective. I think people have interpreted some of my critiques of ‘Queen Fandom’ as meaning something like: “You-in-particular, a specific Queen fan, are doing it wrong and should change everything about how you do it; also you don’t really care about Freddie.”

And—that’s not it. What any given fan, as an individual, does, isn’t a problem. And that can be true alongside—concurrently with—a multivalent critique of how the fandom is lacking in representation of Freddie’s life, with all that that (wonderful, deservedly celebrated, but also profoundly traumatic) life entailed. I still hold that view; I still have myriad problems with ‘the fandom’ (structurally, collectively, historically and presently—from the 1990s to the 2020s). Some of what I want to work on (away from the social life of fandom) is expressing those critiques with greater nuance, in ways that can’t be misinterpreted as shading any particular fanfiction author or subgenre of story.

In brief: I haven’t changed my mind, but I think Tumblr is an untenable environment in which to discuss the things I want to analyse, especially as there is an ever-present danger of hurting someone.

Can we keep in touch? Where is the fic?

I will drop by this account periodically to check out posts that friends have sent me, so you can always sent me a private message to ask for my contact details on the other app that I’m using now for fandom friends. Multiple Freddie conversations and projects are going on over there, off-Tumblr, with a much ‘gentler’ environment and no bad actors—I personally love it!

All my fic has been downloaded and saved. I don’t want to deal with constant harassment on AO3, but I’m happy to share a copy with anyone who missed it and wants to read/re-read something. I also saved everyone’s lovely comments and thoughtful con-crit, so none of that has been lost or erased.

Thank you to everyone who welcomed me to the fandom, made me think, taught me, shared with me, sent me into fits of the giggles, collaborated with me creatively, and otherwise made this one hell of a ride! Love you all. ❤️

#au revoir my dears #lil gay bby

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bbq-hawks-wings · 4 years

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Really long ask - Part 1: Hi, sorry for this long rant, but I just wanted to vent since I saw this latest story posted on AO3 and I am restraining myself on commenting on their story so I'm just letting my anger out here about it and other issues regarding fan-depiction of Hawks. It's vaguely related to your post on how DabiHawks or Dabi+Hawks stories make it all about Dabi and always made Hawks out to be the one who starts the problems in their relationship or is the one trying to get Dabi's

Content warning: passing mention of r*pe in a fanfiction.

LOOOONG post under the cut.

(Cont.)

Dabi's attentions when it's canon that it's the complete opposite. This latest story that came up in my feed was about Hawks "harassing" Dabi (who apparently has a backstory of r*pe) and Twice helps Dabi works out his feelings. Among the hoards of tags condemning Hawks, they decided to use "Hawks is very uncool in this fic heads up" so that's another one to add to my filters. I think I also have to block the "Dabi Needs a Hug" tags too bc he's always woobified like heck.

I really want to read stories where Hawks interacts with Twice since they have a bond/drama with each other, but people have been adding Dabi and either making it seem like Hawks has been gaslighting Dabi in their "relationship" or with Twice. I can acknowledge stories where Hawks feels guilty for what he had to do or Twice being anger/betrayed over Hawks' actions since that is actually what happened; but I will not stand for Dabi claiming Hawks took advantage of Twice or Twice and Dabi having feelings for each other with Hawks in the way bc Dabi is a) the one who let Hawks in b) knew Twice is gullible and c) used Twice as bait. Even in the stories that are cute/causal+funny, Hawks is always the one who gets threatened with fire, harsh insults, or guilted into compliance but the seriousness of the first 2 are always brushed off and the third kinda makes me want it that Hawks doesn't have friends bc most people write him as a bad friend who only cares about his own problems (especially the ones that write Hawks like a celebrity/night club person).

On writing Dabi, his issues always take priority over everything else, his family loves him, and the lov is always chill with him. He's usually written as the fun asshole/caretaker (bc of his big brother status or ablity to cook). Those factors aren't bad by itself, but it's extremely irritating when the writers/artists can give that level of care to Dabi, but just reduce Hawks to a meme who is a workaholic for the government/scared of punishment & not bc he really cares about the people he saves/helps. It's not like I hate the DabiHawks pairing, but the majority of the content (esp the recent ones), are frustrating to read & Hawks' character is usually written in bad out of character extremes. I am really mystified that I'm praying for canon content rather than fanmade most of the time.

Phew! After the back and forth it looks like we got to the end of that! (Or did we?! *Dun dun DUUUUN*) If not, though, feel free to keep the asks rolling. Lol Foxy and I are usually pretty happy to receive as many asks as people want to send even if it takes us a while, individually, to get to it. Now to finally address what you sent.

I find myself in a weird place when it comes to OOC fanfic because on the one hand people can write whatever they want, and I don’t really have a place to criticize them; but also when they blatantly and willingly misinterpret a character so they have grounds to bash on them it also leaves me acutely uncomfortable. I don’t think I’d call it “problematic” as much as a squick? Like, if they’re willing to blow past all the obvious proof to the contrary about their claims of a fictional character just because they hate them, then are they willing to do the same thing to a real person? Usually, those kinds of thoughts are pointlessly extreme, but we know those who unironically and/or unapologeticly call fans of the heroes “bootlickers” so... It’s like, ooc vent fics are also fine; and if you want to rewrite a character to fit the narrative scheme you’ve set up that’s cool as long as its tagged (“ooc [character]” or something) and/or just mention in the a/n that they knowingly and willingly mischaracterized them for the sake of the fic. Just. Don’t. Claim. It’s. Canon.

And speaking of canon, as much as I’m sure Horikoshi knew Hawks and Dabi were going to end up shipped I think it’s obvious that he never was going to canonically write them ending up together, yet here comes the “canon must validate my headcanon” crowd calling him a bad writer because the author had some bigger narrative goal in mind than having two pretty anime boys kissing.

And the worst part to me is, I feel there’s a distinct slice of the DabiHawks crowd missing out on some of the possibilities of this ship by intentionally mischaracterizing them. Like, the aesthetic equal/opposite draw of the ship is phenomenal as it is and I don’t even ship them, but I can see a wide range of possible fics based solely on the principle that they are canonically incompatible!

At the end of the day, Dabi is a dime-a-dozen edgelord - that pain in the butt OC that so many newbie D&D players make that they think is so deep and dark and mature, but is about as cookie-cutter as they come. It’s not that this kind of character is unsalvageable or a hopeless Gary Stu character, just that they don’t often come across as compelling in and of themselves or that they need more than just selfish hatred to carry them through a series. Two kinds of edgelords that can be done well are the “Out of the Ashes” edgelord and “I’ll Pull You Into Hell With Me” edgelord. The first kind recognizes there’s more to life than their sad backstory and getting even and thus choose to aspire to more noble causes - think Joel from The Last of Us. The second recognizes they’re actively doing wrong and come to embrace it - being more concerned with getting what they want than taking the moral high ground - think Frank Castle, aka the Punisher - and even these darker, “unsaveable” kinds of edgelord antiheroes can have redeeming qualities such as meeting and helping a young hopeful and telling them, “I know I’m on the road to hell, so if you want to save yourself you’d better not follow me.”

Dabi actually has what he needs to become the second type right now (assuming he’s Touya) and could even evolve into the first not unlike Kratos from God of War, but that potential can’t be fully recognized until you admit that he’s fundamentally self-centered and a bad person as-is. He may have the tragic backstory complete with justifiable hate at his genuinely abusive father, but rather than using that as fuel to see that never happen to anyone else like it did him - he just wants to get even. He burns people alive, knowing well he’s participating in the same destruction that his father committed to make him what he is now. He doesn’t recognize any of the merits of hero society and is only concerned with burning it to ash. He could use what happened to his family to incite compassion in his heart and take others under his wing, but instead he uses people as a mean to his own ends. He isn’t even proper grimdark - he’s just your run of the mill egotistical megalomaniac with a punk aesthetic.

And that’s still a good character in the grand scheme of things, maybe just not alone! Moreso, it’s a good villain and EVEN BETTER when you put him next to Hawks who is at his core:

Fundamentally Hopepunk!

Hopepunk is about being good and kind as an act of rebellion against a cruel and unfair world no matter how bleak it gets or how badly you’re beaten down. Despite his own cruel past, Hawks still has a heart to help others for no other reason than to help them, he constantly changes the odds to save as many people as he can when he’d be given a pass for letting the cards fall where they will, and not only is his aim to “help others” but to make sure that there’ll never be need for heroes again. He’s an active rebel against the system fighting with kindness and goodness, fervently looking and listening for the next opportunity to do good.

In agreement with you, Hawks and Twice are interesting to explore because while Twice is an optimist looking to make the world a better place, he’s still a step or two removed from Hawks’ worldview because Twice refuses to let go of the “family” he found for himself while Hawks is willing to sacrifice himself for others. That dynamic is so interesting, and it’s what made them so initially compatible and subsequently heartbreaking in canon.

And it’s such a disappointment to see this unwaveringly earnest character reduced to “shitty fratboy” so often. For a lot of people newer to his character I can understand the confusion, but there really isn’t an excuse if you’ve been reading the series, and the possibilities for fics with this canon personality are just so much more interesting to explore, especially with Dabi as his sort-of opposite.

For DabiHawks to work well, you have to recognize that something has to give in either of them. Some of the juiciest, most angsty content is when you have two characters grow close together over commonalities only to be reminded that despite everything else they share, that One Thing will always keep them from truly being able to see eye-to-eye. Either Dabi has to grow past his hatred and relearn compassion and empathy, or Hawks has to lose grip of that hopeful vision he has and fall into despair. Both options are good to explore, but both require the acknowledgement that Dabi’s view of the world is fundamentally bleak and selfish, especially compared to Hawks’. For a supposed revolutionary out to change the world for the better whose a diamond in the rough with a heart of gold, that’s not exactly on-brand; and at the end of the day the issue is that some are unwilling to admit that what they wanted Dabi to be is likely not going to happen and they love that fake version Dabi more than they love what Hawks actually stands for which is why Hawks always gets the shaft in the end.

I still personally hold a bit of a grudge against the DaiHawks ship as a whole purely because, as you said, Dabi always seems to take priority over Hawks instead of letting the two build a dynamic together. Hawks is always the one who has to give, and the torture porn some have made him go through to “make the ship work” is downright disturbing to me. Even at its height DabiHawks content completely flooded the Hawks character tags on Tumblr with some of the same problems that have persisted to this day such as emphasizing their aesthetic as opposed to their dynamic and rampant mischaracterization.

Anyway, that’s my long-winded response. What do you think, @autumn-foxfire?

#long post anon #autumn-foxfire #let's talk hawks

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rafe-cameron · 4 years

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THE ANALYSIS OF JOHN B ROUTLEDGE

In the fandom, what I've seen is a lot of what I feel is misinterpretation of John B's character, which is leading to a lot of unnecessary slander, and overall a negative vibe surrounding John B, and giving a negative wave of backlash to those who do like his character. I am all for positive emotions, and supporting and liking and disliking whatever characters you'd like! Though, I would like to put this out here just as a way of explaining what I've seen in his character. This is not a professional opinion by any means, but I do have a habit and (ringing my own bell) talent in analyzing different characters from an unbiased point of view.

DISCLAIMER: All of this is not fact, but a closely analyzed opinion. You are free to disagree and I genuinely do not care if you don't like John B! I wrote this because I wanted to and feel it could help. And this is written FOR JOHN B. Don't hit me with comments of “but JJ also” or “but Kie didn't MEAN to” or anything, because I am not writing about them. I’m writing this one for John B, about John B, and how someone would view life through his eyes and with everything that happened.

Now, onto the analysis.

Episode 1:

John B has a wave of issues being presented in not-so friendly forms. A 16 year old is living alone, considering his father has been missing for 9 months. Looking at it that way, he's had to finish his school year while juggling constant jobs to take care to himself, for food, gas, and paying bills, on top of school. Even if it's revealed he missed a lot of school that year, it's hard to blame him. His mom left him when he was still a baby, His uncle by definition also abandoned him, and his father is gone. He's threatened with foster care daily, which means he would lose everything that he has, his home, and his friends, which are the only thing keeping his head above water.

That alone is enough to give him intense abandonment issues. Both parental figures left, his guardian is as he described it “MIA”, so his ability to process how people see him and how he sees relationships is going to be, at best, rocky. He's going to have it in his head that everyone around him can leave at any time and he won't have any sort of say in it. Not to mention the depression and the anxiety that would bubble up from all of this. Depression makes you lash out, anxiety makes you pull away, two things he's shown to have trouble controlling.

He gets an idea for a way to try and make his life better, and get money to support himself, JJ being the one to hype that up despite Kie and Pope being against it.

Come the party later that night at the boneyard. A widespread party with lots of people there, lots of drinking, and comes the fight between Topper and JJ, which led to John B stepping in to protect JJ.

This is the first of many times where John B is almost murdered or killed. Hearing Topper yells “dont make me drown you like your old man”, then being drowned by him, while everyone stood and watched until JJ went off his shits and saved him.

This? Is all just the first episode. A peek into the curtain of how his family abandoned him, then he gets his shit beaten in, and he gets drowned by Topper. This would only worsen his already fragile mental state. At this point, he's ready to call it off, and leave it alone, but JJ gets desperate to help his friend and himself, and he goes along with it. This leads to, again, him getting shot at by the two guys hunting down the compass he stole off the boat. The second time John B is almost killed.

“With no parents, no money, and no one looking out for me, I've got no chance, unless I make it on my own.”

He sees no way out of the hole he's in anymore unless he fights tooth and nail to get out of it, no matter what it takes.

Episode 2:

In this episode, he's got it in his head now that since he found a compass on a wrecked boat, that his dad is trying to reach out to him. When you have abandonment issues as deep-running as John B, any possible chance that someone who left already is trying to come back? You run with it. You cling to it like it is all you have, and for him, it is. This compass is all that he has to go on, and he's desperate to try and figure it out because this is his fathers last way of communicating with him.

He goes to Ms. Lana's house, and has to both watch and listen to two men terrorize her, and he is told vaguely by Ms. Lana that it is horrible that he has the compass. He returns home to talk to his friends, and goes to his dads office for the first time in a long time, and has to relive the fact his fathers gone at that point.

Only for the two guys to come to John B's house. They break in and completely ransack the place, they steal a good chunk of John B's fathers stuff. They have to sneak out of the window and go to hide until the two men leave, but, he has to sit and watch these people break apart his home and steal from him.

After all of that, they go to the lighthouse, where he's thrown into another panic over this compass that no one is telling him about. He's frustrated, and he's scared. They leave the lighthouse and in a complete blind instinct of adrenaline, he kisses Kie, and gets rejected by her. Then, he gets arrested, questioned, and has to get bailed out by Kie's dad, who insults him. Now Kie won't talk to him, and he has to go home to his damaged house.

He also has to get fired from hi only stable job, so now he has no money and no job, a damaged home, and lost a friend for now.

Not only that, but he does get hunted down by those two men again, and is almost killed for thr 3rd time, and runs through an electric fence, where he's almost killed the 4th time. He gives up his fathers compass, and while ull of hurt and despair for everything, returns home to try and move past everything, but he catches another glimpse of possibility, and he clings to it all over again.

And, his urge and crave to hunt down his dad only grows as they find the Redfield tomb thingy and find the package left behind by Big John.

Episode 3:

It starts off with John B having to sit through the emotion that comes with hearing his fathers voice for the first time in 9 months. The pain and the confusion and how much he missed him rushing back, it's a feeling that is hard to describe, but it is draining, and it doesn't feel good.

He talks to everyone about how he just wants to have a normal life, and stop stressing so much about damn near everything.

He's decently up in this episode, but his actions only worsen. He encourages stealing, and puts himself into risky situations. This is the bud of the suicidal/reckless tendencies he starts to develop as he starts to lose regard for his own safety, because subconsciously, he sees no point in caring about what happens to himself and those around him. This is where he gets desperate for a reason to keep existing, because he lost every other one that he had.

Episode 4:

In this episode, they find the merchant. They track it down and find it's empty, but John B isn't ready to give up.

He gets met, unfortunately, with DCS, who force him to pack, and start to take him away. In an attempt to not leave behind anything? He jumps from a moving vehicle, and is now being hunted down for the first time.

He's taken in by Sarah.

DISCLAIMER: OPINION.

This is where we see Sarah see that things with John B aren't cookie cutter. She knows hes plotting something, and she wants to get away from her Kook life and do something different and exciting. So, she tags along for the ride. Her and John B go out and Sarah puts John B into a situation where he is being led on by her, despite her being in a relationship. But, her desperation to break from her box gets the best of her, and John B clings to that romance, because a romantic relationship has a more solid foundation than a friendship to him. They're less likely to leave him. So, he wants to run with it.

This is a huge part of why he kissed Kie. In his eyes, if he's dating them, maybe they wont leave, but he can't have that same situation with just a friend. He knows that, and this is where he starts to push away his friends. Bite before you can get bitten, it's depression + abandonment issues 101.

Episode 5:

This one is.. a mess. Its a mess.

We start right off the bat with John B realizing that he can't go home anymore. JJ and John B get into a pretty nasty argument. JJ is concerned for his friend, and he wants him to be safe and stop all of this, naturally, but to John B? He hears JJ trying to give him on him, to abandon him, and to leave all of this. He reacts to this by lashing out at him, yelling at him, and talking about how he just wants to stop because he got beat up. Which, John B is still under the assumption it was just the Kooks, when it was both the Kooks and his father – something John B didn't catch onto. After they yell at eachother, John B has JJ following him again. It's a safe zone once more in John B's mind.

Then, after the party is crashed and they all meet up, John B tries to explain that Sarah got wrapped up into all of this. He has Kie, Pope, and even if JJ knew already, he's not too happy about it either. So he's got everyone mad at him for this, and even if spirits are high in terms of his recklessly driven hunt, he sees everyone around him getting angrier, and angrier. And that? Is making him angry too.

He goes to meet Sarah at the hawks nest. And once again, he is almost killed. He's shoved off of it by none other than Topper (who has tried to murder him twice now), and plummets, and ends up in the hospital.

But things can start to turn around, because Ward took him in and he has a legal guardian now, right?

No.

Ward is plotting to keep John B under his nose to make sure he doesn't find anything else out.

Episode 6:

Again, not much happens here. Things seem to be going good and despite Wards want for John B laying low, he doesn't. He finds the gold.

Episode 7:

Here, we have another instance in which JJ's bad ideas get John B (and everyone) put into danger. After trying to pawn off the gold, they get stopped by Barry, who threatens to kill him and robs them. John B is quick to jump into the line of fire and get the gold back, desperate to keep it. He succeeds, but JJ barrels into Barrys house and robs him. JJ manhandles John B a good few times for trying to stop him.

And nearing the end of this, he's told by Ward that Ward knows about the gold, and wants John B to give it all up.

John B says no. He's gotten this far and can't lose it all to Ward. Not only that? But he finds out Ward had something to do with his father disappearing. That sort of news is heartbreaking. John B snaps just a little more, but so does Ward.

Episode 8:

John B and ward get into it. Ward is messy and doesn't hesitate to try and kill John B while they're on the boat. Again, for the 7th time, John B is almost killed, but escapes it just in time to keep going.

He goes to Lana, who explains that Ward was the one who killed his father. He finds out now that the man he trusted and the man that took him in both wanted to steal from him, and murdered his only parent? That's too much to carry for any one person.

Ward tells authorities John B tried to kill him, and he's being hunted down even more than he was before.

He sees now that again, all of his friends are both worried and angry with him. He's panicking at this point. He's stuck on the run and can't seem to catch a break, more so now that Ward figured out where the gold is, and sees him trying to leave with it.

Episode 9:

John B now is framed for the murder of Peterkin. He's almost killed by Rafe at the runway, and is now on the run again. He's facing major charges and none of them are of things he actually ever did.

John B has no choice but to run away from the OBX, from the US< and try and figure out what to do with himself from there.

He's almost killed by Rafe, again, because he set the bell tower ablaze.

But he manages to escape long enough so everyone can put together the pieces of his escape plan.

Episode 10:

He leaves. He leaves with Sarah on the boat, but of course, power has to go back on, and they lose their cover. They're both hunted down, chased out to sea, and is considered dead because of the storm. He survives again, but just by the skin of his teeth.

Looking back on everything that happened to him just in these episodes, on top of knowing he had to deal with his father being gone for months without a clue of how to take care of himself, plus the fact he's now headed for his gold without anything but one bar and the clothes on his back?

John B quite literally lost everything. He lost his family, his home, his friends, his job, everything that kept his head above water, yet, he's expected to be the strong one, and the leader of the group.

He has expectations that he cant meet, and he's getting the wrong kind of help for his issues. Depression, anxiety, trust issues, abandonment issues, and I wouldn't be surprised if various forms of PTSD stemmed from everything that's happened to him. In no way is John B a perfect person. He is a flawed and complex character, who made poor choices, and acted out in bad ways, but, the entire gang is guilty of doing some bad things too.

JJ's aggression and lack of impulse control.

Pope's passive aggression and constant cold shoulder to not getting what he wants.

Kie's hostility and lack of self restraint.

Topper's sexism and abusiveness.

Rafe's drug abuse and abusiveness.

Again, you are so more than welcome to dislike and like whatever characters you want! Though, I hope this point of view can help clear up some of the thing's ive seen on John B being irredeemable and a bad friend to everyone.

John B is a wonderfully written, intense, lovable character, and I wanted to share my thoughts on him, his trauma, and his life! If anyone wants to see more deep character analysis', don't be afraid to request them! I enjoy doing them!

- jv

#outer banks #obx #john b obx #john b #john b routledge #john booker routledge #jj maybank #pope heyward #kiara carrera #rafe cameron #topper thorton #sarah cameron

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btsandvmin · 4 years

Text

I ship Vmin.

I got a bunch of asks regarding ji/kook again and despite me feeling very tempted to just ignore it all together because it really isn’t what I want to do I decided to write a rant in response in stead. I am sorry to my followers and to the person who sent all these asks, I am sure you didn’t mean anything bad, so please forgive me for being quite rude and blunt in this post.

I don’t really want to indulge and make people ask more about other ships because as I have said many times it’s just not what I want to talk about. But, I got a lot of asks and it made me frustrated so it resulted in a rant from me. If you don’t like to read about other ships or if you feel like getting aggressive because of other shippers just ignore this post.

I repeat one more time. I know about other ships and their theories. Not everything, but enough to acknowledge they do have weird things that could be real. And enough to notice and see when they have moments without having to watch analysis. I know but it doesn’t interest me. If another ship is real then another ship is real and I am wrong. But please stop coming to me to either get confirmation that “vmin is real/superior” or “X ship has these moments and are more real”.

I feel I need to explain what I personally see as the flaws with most believers in ships and how they analyze and feel confident in them being right. In particular I will speak about ji/kook but this could literally be any ship at all. Vmin too. I don’t want this to be seen as a vmin vs. ji/kook post, but it might look like that simply because Vmin is my preference. Everything in this post is just MY POINT OF VIEW. I could be crazy wrong and use completely false logic, but this is the way I see things and I don’t expect everyone to agree.

Anyways, please be nice and don’t read this at all if you are easily triggered.

This is really messy, I am sorry.

First of all, all big fandoms act the same and do analysis about ships they like. It starts out as a preference (if you admit it or not) and gets rationalized for various reasons. 'I didn't use to ship but they are different' or whatever reason and then you find others with the same ideas and all agree together. You get more convinced because you get validation from others and at the same time get more content to prove you are right. The bigger the ship the more people analyze every detail and thus end up finding pieces that fit their narrative. It's also easier to dismiss things that goes against your beliefs the more secure you feel about your ship. This is literally how it works for everyone who believes in a ship (or conspiracy theories in general). The odds of you being right are very slim. No matter how many people join the group and preach the same thing.

Most things BTS do they do with all members or at least many others. Few things are exclusive and thus how can we know it means one thing when one ship does it and another when your ship does? For most people it’s simply because it has a different vibe or tension. It's really like that though, just your own feelings. Only the things your ship does are special. And even if something they do is unique it doesn't really prove anything, because all relationships can work very differently. Basically to begin with most shippers/believers think their ship is special or different. They can't focus on all dynamics and see what they want to see. They add the pieces that fit into their existing narrative, and if something suddenly doesn’t fit they come up with a fitting excuse.

You will see for most ships the amount of moments will vary, be up one month and down the next. Have a great year suddenly followed by less moments than they are used to. A lot of people even go from believing in one ship to changing to another ship because they suddenly have more moments. So it looks more real because the amount of moments. At least to some fans, who clearly jump between ships or feel insecure when their ship suddenly have less moments.

Fans of ships also get emotionally involved as if they are partly living through their ship. Happy when they get moments but worried when they don't. Like it has to be something wrong if they suddenly have less interactions on screen. Some even go as far as getting worried from one day to another when BTS or certain members can have millions of reasons for their behaviour. And that's another thing. Everything the two individuals of your ship does must be related to the other person. If A is sad it means maybe he fought with B. Every little thing, word or interaction is proof and people get so invested they can't see anything else. If everything is possible proof, with the amount of things we get, of course it will be possible for almost any shipper to pick the parts that sound good and fit what they want to believe.

This also works for insecurities about other ships. Every interaction of a rival ship hurts or makes you feel uncertain about your ship. Either you ignore it, try to convince yourself your ships makes more sense, or you feel bad about it. When in reality it's usually mostly about focus and I would argue no relationship in BTS being shown more would ever mean another one is suffering. At least not because of a ship being real. Relationships aren't competitions. For me who ships Vmin I have seen things both from tae/kook, ji/kook and many other ships, even straight ones, that makes me think Vmin is probably not real, or that these other ships could be real. But I have seen this with more ships than one, which says a lot. And I have things about Vmin of course as well that I think makes other ships less likely. That’s why it’s important to remain unsure but open. A lot of ships probably cancel each other out.

If vmin isn't real, they aren't. But because I believe in BTS's words and actions I can feel happy knowing Vmin feel they are soulmates. I can be happy because I truly think their actions and their love for each other is genuine. No matter what kind it is, and no matter if they are together with someone else or not.

I have seen theories for basically all ships in BTS and from many other fandoms, and they all bring up similar things, have weird reactions or moments that they apply their own meanings to. I do the exact same thing, only I don't act confident about it but keep it as speculation. I am making a huge Vmin analysis because I want to show it can be done and that Vmin have weird moments too. I do find their behaviour odd or I wouldn't have reacted. But I'm just like everyone else who do shipping analysis and have a bias towards my own preference. That’s why I know I can be wrong and that's why it’s important to not act like I have the facts.

In the end we still don't know, and we should be okay with whatever might prove to be real. For me one very important thing is that I want to trust and believe the things the boys says. So even if it goes against my ship or what I want, I will trust it. Like how Jimin and Taehyung didn't seem to meet at all during their break. But that also means that I do trust it when Jimin and Taehyung call each other soulmates and when Jimin says he wants to be with Taehyung even after their careers are over. So to begin with this mostly removes the idea that a ship would be played up for any other reason than it's something they like to do and are comfortable about. Basically fanservice exists, but nothing is so played up it's completely fake. Which means I also don't think anything Ji/kook or any other ship does is fake. I personally think Jimin is a person who likes to tease JK and that their bickering is misinterpreted. I think Jimin likes to rile up JK by pushing himself close etc. It's also possible Jimin does things because he knows fans will react, but these things still are done because they find it fun, not with some secret agenda.

The only way I think it is possible to "hide a ship with another ship" is by doing similar things or shippy things with all or several members or to in certain times perhaps distract from a ship by doing something with another member. But still only things they would feel comfortable doing. This is the important part. I don't think any members would do something they themselves, a possible secret lover or the other members would feel uncomfortable with. This is why jealous JK is basically impossible to me to the degree ji/kookers make it out to be. Same with jealousy in general. There could be some, but too much isn't really something to be happy about. If one half of your ship can't touch or interact with another person without being jealous that's just not healthy. The fact that fans want jealousy to prove a ship to begin with is just toxic to me. For me if these things are real (I don’t think they are but they could be) I don’t think I would be able to stay a fan. Because it would mean BTS go out of their way to do things that aren’t authentic despite feeling uncomfortable about it just to fool their fans. If BTS are lying (because they certainly are in some cases) I think they simply tell white lies or omit parts of the truth. I don’t want to think they make up whole relationships or behaviors to create a different image than reality.

Now I will go into a bit more detail about ji/kook and my personal reasoning behind why I think they are a bit weird if they are real. And some of the problems I see with some ji/kook narratives. I know people are complex and there could be many factors I don’t know about or think about, and that I could be completely wrong or partly wrong. But at least I accept that possibility. So again, don’t try to come to me and convince me of another ship or talk about why they are weird. I really don’t need to hear it. Anyways, about ji/kook and at least the way most ji/kookers seem to explain ji/kook...

The first thing is that I don't see ji/kook being very careful. And though I don't know for sure I would think a gay relationship within the biggest idol group in the world would be something to be careful about. Not just for their own sake, but for the whole group. Especially if we look at the Korean society when it comes to lgbt+ in general. I mean, a lot of the ji/kook moments rely on either ji/kook wanting people to know about them and showing actual hints, or them not being careful at all and accidentally exposing themselves. Most of these moments make ji/kook look either dumb or willing to risk everything for people to know about them. If they want to be together, wouldn't it be more important to feel safe and not get exposed than showing off to their millions of fans? Especially at the height of their career? Of course they are young and could want to be able to show their relationship. But consider the actual consequences if it got out.

Some things ji/kookers claim about ji/kook include:

Sharing rooms and staying in the same room even when one person is doing a live. When they could easily just leave for a while to not risk getting exposed.

Getting special engagement rings and getting seen at the store together as well as talking pretty openly about it. (This was also debunked even by ji/kookers I think?)

JK threatening Jimin with showing a picture of himself with a hickey and talking about it openly during a live and then actually proceeding to post said picture. Just them giving hickeys at all seems like a pretty dumb move.

Ji/kook always sharing a car because they live together. Because everyone already knows they are together. Also that they share it even when BTS are all going to the same hotel because they can't be apart even for a second? (Forget the fact that they don't always share a car and in Korea JK more often seem to share with Hobi.)

Ji/kook celebrating their anniversary. They have pictures of them celebrating it with members at the dorm and post pictures together on twitter to show fans. Because they have to give hints.

How Jungkook calls Jimin without hyung or speaks informal sometimes means they are together. But when Hobi does it to Yoongi it doesn't mean anything?

Ji/kook going on a private trip to Tokyo yet showing it off through official channels and getting to talk about it and even getting specifically asked about it during interviews. Doesn't seem very private to me. Again, I suppose ji/kook needs to share their love with the fans and Big HIt is kind enough to help them.

Following that there is having Jimin be center in other gcf and even have Jimin himself joke and say he is the "main actor".

JK getting tattoos that says JM and Jimin matching JK's tattoos with his own. (Also the number 13 is about ji/kook, not BTS debut date).

Big hit giving ji/kook the unicorn photoshoot to help people see them specifically in a lgbt+ positive way. (Forget the fact that BTS and Big Hit has done other lgbt+ positive things or hints for many years.)

“Jeonleous” and his tongue poking his cheek out of annoyance every time Jimin breathes next to someone else. Let's ignore the fact JK has a ton of nervous habits, that the tongue thing could mean many different things and that he also does it when neither Jimin nor Tae are present.

Ji/kook is real because they are always together. Which would imply both of them spend all their time together and need the other person’s constant attention? This again feels more like fans’ wanting to glorify possessive behavior. If they are together all the time, wouldn’t it be better to tone things down a little while at work when a million cameras are filming their every move? I think Ji/kook are close, like spending time together and are comfortable in front of cameras because there isn’t much risk involved.

And many, many, many more. Sorry for sounding bitter about these things. For real, some things could be true, I don't know. I guess ji/kook could be real, but if they are they don't act like it's something to be too careful about. At least not from what I see. Could they hide behind fanservice or rely on people never finding out enough to expose them? Absolutely. But seems a bit risky. Also in contrast, why do Vmin (the best friends) act so weirdly and careful about some things?

People who come to me with proof for ji/kook or other ships and say 'if you only knew or looked at them you would see'... But no. More or less every single thing a ji/kooker have ever tried to come to me with as proof I already knew, at least to some extent. Other things I have looked up because they have tried to show me. Some things have also been debunked. And not once has it been actual proof. It's always a moment that could easily be interpreted incorrectly. The closest thing would show ji/kook are close and maybe they have shared rooms. But proving ji/kook has shared a room doesn't prove they are married. We know Vmin has shared a room many times too and we know Jimin seems to hate being alone and loves to crash the other members' rooms in general. When Jimin or Tae says they want to share rooms I believe that and from what I have seen it seems Vmin has shown a preference to share rooms over any other ship. So if ji/kook is real, in BV4 when they had the chance to decide where to sleep why did Jimin and Tae end up together? To fool fans? Because suddenly ji/kook sharing rooms would be too suspicious? At least it doesn't make sense if JK gets jealous of everything so the extreme jealousy is definitely not a thing to use as proof.

Sure there are odd things and theories that could make sense, but the same goes for other ships too. So please if you are insecure about your ship then maybe just let it be. Why do you have to come to me to try and find a reason to either believe or not believe?

People also claim to have inside information and it spreads. Mostly about ji/kook, but for other ships as well. There are rumors of Taehyung having some on and off relationships. Or people saying Big Hit made fake dating paparazzi shots of Jimin with some woman to make him less suspicious. Of Taehyung being homophobic and anti ji/kook. Some sources also say different things. Some of the same people who shares this info also get things wrong or use edits mixed with real information. But never has anyone been able to produce something that could be actual proof for their claims. It could just as easily be put together by good storytellers. Just because some things prove to be right I don't think these people are reliable sources. Because the information always come from second hand sources who say 'someone close to bts' or 'someone at big hit' etc. told this other person who told me.

Also, why should I trust someone who claims to love a ship and say they have proof for it, and call themselves a supporter, when they are trying to out a couple who aren't out? Something which could have devastating consequences if it got public. And yet many do exactly that, try to show the truth and expose them, but somehow never show the things they claim make it indisputable? All of these people who knows the truth, who has the receipts and use stalker pictures, not a single one wants to show the actual proof? Because somehow that is crossing the line? But all the other things aren't? Also if this information is spread so easily, how come no one who gets to know this would feel angry by seeing them be gay and try to expose them for real? All of them just happen to be understanding supporters?

In the end I can't believe these things because they have no proof and some things they say just doesn't match with the things BTS show us. So while it could be truth to it and I could be completely wrong, I will personally rather base things on what I see myself than on hearsay. I watch and listen to BTS and do my own analysis based on the things they say or do. That’s it. If I am wrong I am wrong and then that's fine. That’s why it’s speculation and theories, and not proof.

The ji/kookers also seem to have pretty different timelines, but most agree they have been interested in each other since at least 2014 (mostly Jimin) and that they got together either in 2016 when JK became legal, or around 2017-18 when their moments seemed to skyrocket. Alternatively this was when they told the members but they had been hiding it for a while already. Anyways my point here is that many also say them getting together is the reason for Vmin and Tae/kook changing. Which I could buy, except where in this timeline did Vmin actually change in a way that makes sense for ji/kook?

For me I think Vmin did seem to change around 2016, when they were basically glued together yet avoided vlives and seemed to become a bit more careful. We even have Jimin and Tae themselves talk about this time as when something changed for the better between them. For me they way I see it if Vmin has something between them I feel they get lost in each other sometimes, which is why when they noticed this behaviour started to be a bit careful around each other. Something we still see today though they seem to constantly push the boundaries.

Just looking at Vmin's behaviour I don't think ji/kook being real explains it. For example to me it seems Vmin have been avoiding being live together since 2016, doing all kinds of odd things to excuse or avoid it. I could be wrong, but let's say Vmin avoid vlives for some reason. Now, let's say they avoid it because ji/kook is real. If Vmin can't have a vlive because of JK that would imply JK doesn't trust Jimin with Tae, or if Tae doesn't want to do it that Tae doesn't like ji/kook together to the point it affects his relationship with the both of them. In some way it would be ji/kook effect Vmin so much they can’t do something they both can do with other members. But if either is true then why would Vmin still have other moments? And why would both Jimin and Tae call each other soulmates? Would JK not be annoyed with all these other things? Or would Tae be completely fine with saying Jimin is his soulmate but refuse to do a live with him? And why would Vmin's intimacy seem to gradually get worse? Why would they force themselves to hold hands in public when Taehyung himself said in 2016 that doing that with a man would feel weird. To redirect from ji/kook? But the only reason they would have to redirect from ji/kook to begin with is because "they are so obvious". Wouldn't it make more sense to just be careful, rather than to have to force themselves to do something neither party wants to do just to blend in better? This is why ji/kook being real doesn't explain vmin to me. Because if ji/kook are so prone to jealousy, why do things to show their relationship that then lead to them having to force things that they don't want to do to be less suspicious again. It's just a weird narrative for me. Of course ji/kookers could be wrong about some of these things but ji/kook could still be real. But personally vmin still act odd when I look at them.

To me it comes down to the fact that Vmin has a lot of weird behaviours, and most of them could be explained by them being careful or private and unsure about what is ok or not to show. Or with them being fairly carefree and hiding behind their friendship label because they know some things are ok to show. Or sometimes even being so lost in each other or happy or sad that they they can't help themselves. And also that things seem to have changed over time, so slowly people got used to their behaviour and accept it as normal between them. Vmin sang a song about them being soulmates and everyone praised them for being such great friends and even "breaking the norm" of how two male best friends usually express themselves and show intimacy.

Ji/kook being in the same room while one of them are live vs Vmin trying to avoid being live together. For me out of these two narratives (because neither is proven) Vmin seems more likely to have something to hide. And if they have something to hide, it seems more likely to be them being too close than them having fallen apart or JK hating them together so much they don't dare to be best friends. Because first I don't think they are that good actors, and two I see no reason to fabricate lies. If so it makes more sense to omit some parts of the truth. If Jimin and Taehyung says they are soulmates, then that is what they are. If they are best friends I would expect them to want to spend time together, and yet there are enough weird contradictions here for haters to believe Vmin is fake, because they never hang out etc.

For me ji/kook has a great bond and they love spending time together. It seems easy and carefree. I believe it when JK says he keeps no secrets from Jimin. They love to bicker and tease and I think they know fans ship them. What I don't see is them being careful, or vague or having excuses. I also don't see the members acting particularly careful in regards to ji/kook moments (there are possible exceptions, but I have seen 'careful of shipping moments' with many members and ships). Even Jin saying "are you guys a couple" or other similar to comment on ji/kook seems like an odd way to try and expose them. It's like they don't care at all if they touch upon something rather sensitive. Which makes me think it's not something sensitive. So, to me the conclusion I come to is that if ji/kook is real it's not a big issue if they get exposed. Either they really think they can get away with anything and rarely feel nervous, or they simply don’t care if people find out.

With Vmin I personally feel there are things. And I know it's just my feeling and interpretation. I think Vmin says some things and then act the opposite sometimes. I don't see why having a live together is a big deal. I don't see why Namjoon loves to point out that they are 'such good friends' all the time. I don’t understand why they push each other away sometimes, or stop doing things when cameras are on them etc.

Of course Vmin has a ton of moments too. Even to the point people don't ship them because 'they show everything so openly'. But that's where I disagree, because while Vmin does show a lot, they also act careful or weird a lot. They are oddly private and has some contradicting things that have even made people think they hate each other or that Vmin is fake.

I don't understand why Ji/kook can have a rainbow themed photoshoot and publish a short movie from their private vacation with a song from a gay artist when Tae isn't allowed to sing his Christmas song with Jimin because the lyrics are basically 'too gay'. I also don't see why Taehyung would want to sing a romantic song with Jimin if he knows ji/kook are together. I don't understand how ji/kook can go out to dinner openly or go ice skating together when Vmin who are supposed to be best friends haven't been seen publicly together for years. If ji/kook who are an actual couple can do it, then so should Vmin. After all, they are saying they are best friends and we sometimes get to hear them or the members mention how close they are or when they have done something. And yet we see Namjoon or Hobi or their other friends with them much more often than with each other. It's because of this people even dare to claim Vmin isn't as close as they want us to think. But then we are back to not being able to trust them again, and I just don't see BTS going this far against their own messages to fake a relationship. Thus I come to the conclusion again that Vmin are simply more careful and private. Because if they are truly best friends they should like and want to spend time together. Basically, because I need to trust BTS for me to even like them I will believe Vmin are soulmates and best friends. But if they are, why are there so many strange things, and why do they seem to be reluctant to be seen alone together? It’s just one example, but I think you get my point.

And again I am not saying Vmin don't have things that might seem like them trying to expose themselves. Like the Christmas song for example, why would Tae even mention it? But to me it's more like he said it out of frustration and he also tried to play it off as no big deal. And same with Tata, I think Tae thought it was sneaky enough to be safe to say. In ji/kook's case it's just blunt. And they know people watch their every move too. Vmin we have actually seen be careful. Not to mention now Vmin can literally hold hands in public and sing they are each other's soulmates and people don't even blink because of their platonic label. But they built up to that gradually.

I mean of course we have bias and I will think Vmin is superior in various ways because of that. But in the end for me I can't shake how I feel vmin's and the other members' reactions to vmin would at least make more sense if vmin is a couple (or has something to hide or feel insecure about showing at least) than if ji/kook is. Though I really think if there is something there it would be super risky to act on it at all and I doubt they would. I still say no ship being real is probably the most likely, but Vmin seems to walk that thin line between friends or romantic more than any other members. And it’s something we have seen more and more of. Like Vmin notice things are okay and then feel more comfortable showing them. Looking at their personalities, their behaviours, how intimate they can be and the fact that Vmin seem to be the closest according to other members and even having the label of soulmates I say Vmin makes the most sense. This is based on what I know myself because I have seen it or heard it from the members. Others will disagree and that's totally fine. I simply base this on the small portions of their lives we get to see, or not see.

Lastly I will answer all the asks I got in regards to ji/kook, but very very briefly because I think I said most of what I wanted to say already. I am pretty sure they are all from just one person, and your English is a little rough, so I apologize if I might have misunderstood something. Anyways, here goes.

Once again with obvious reasons, but I think they look more obvious because you have seen and heard more people talk about it. There are weird moments for sure, and ji/kook definitely have some theories that could make sense, but I wouldn’t say it’s obvious. Or everyone would ship ji/kook.

Also I find it interesting that you think Jimin had a crush on Tae. Personally I always felt it seemed more like Tae was the one with the crush. Beyond that, it’s possible I suppose, but it sounds more like a fanfiction if I am being honest.

If Ji/kook is dating and Vmin is there to cover, why would JK be jealous? If he knows it’s to help him and Jimin? And if it’s a problem, why use Tae as a cover? Why Vmin? Why not do it with another ship where JK wouldn’t be as jealous. Because clearly Hobi and JK can do whatever and sleep cuddled up. Why would it be neccessary for Vmin to get involved specifically? Especially if it makes people uncomfortable?

As for Saipain it looks a bit weird for sure, but I repeat, wanting to share a room doesn’t make a ship real or Vmin would have been real between 2013-2017. It’s possible they shared or wanted to share a room, but they could have other reasons to no want to show it than them being a couple. This would again also imply they are fairly open and probably out to a lot of their crew, aka not very careful.

I think people dismiss tae/kooks bond too much, all members are close and we know the two of them has said they are close and even have deep talks. Just because we don’t see them a lot on camera doesn’t mean they aren’t close. That being said I do actually agree and think Vmin and Ji/kook seem closer, but that’s based on what we see, and we don’t see everything.

I know ji/kook more than a little… And Vmin do spend time together, it just takes them actually talking about it for us to even know about it. Like in the recent vlive with Namjoon, Hobi and Tae where Tae revealed Jimin was actually with him in London 2018 when they took pictures at night. We had no clue, and if Hobi hadn’t said he didn’t remember and Tae had to explain it more, we might not have gotten to know Jimin was there either.

I do agree Vmin seem to be apart a lot and that they didn’t meet during the break etc. But if we use the break as an example, Jimin was gone for most of the time only meeting JK briefly, and yet when they filmed BV4 it seems Jimin was pretty needy and keeping close to Tae like he really missed him a lot and needed to be close. They even chose to sleep in the same bed together when ji/kook just as well could have done it if Jimin just picked a different room. But no, he even changed from the room he wanted because Tae liked the other one.

It’s complicated for sure, but maybe we are all just over analyzing and making things complicated? If you learned more about ji/kook have fun with that. I am honestly not interested. If there ever is a ship that comes out as real I will support it and I will be ok, until then (and I doubt such a day will come) I will enjoy Vmin as soulmates.

Also if JK is jealous of Tae despite them knowing each other for so many years, then ji/kook probably won’t last. Because being jealous because your boyfriend spends time with his best friend just shows you don’t trust your boyfriend.

I have no idea if Sweet Night has anything to do with Jimin, but if it is isn’t it kind of shitty to write a song to show you are in love with your best friend if said best friend is together with your other friend and co-worker? Especially after having a song with your best friend about how you want to be together forever and are soulmates? No wonder JK is jealous with a narrative like this.

The end of that interview is just Jimin being Jimin and teasing as usual to me. It’s similar to when he is fishing for more compliments from Namjoon. Maybe it’s something, but I personally don’t see much in it.

Also if Jimin is using Tae, and especially if Tae is uncomfortable then that is some real sad reality so I see why you would be sad. Strange though how Tae seems to be the one who thinks he doesn’t give enough in their relationship and calls Jimin an angel and the warmest person he’s ever met. Maybe Taehyung is just bad at reading people and don’t mind being used? But that seems to go against his otherwise very rebellious personality. Or maybe he is refusing to play along and that’s why people say he seems to be so cold towards Jimin, but then they have some serious problems they need to sort out because that isn’t healthy.

Vmin have different personalities. For me I think Jimin is loud with everyone and that’s why he allows himself to be loud with Tae too. Meanwhile Tae used to be super loud about his relationship to Jimin, but has tried to tone it down or hold back. Just my theory of course, but there are also times Jimin is the one pushing Taehyung away, so their weird push and pull behavior is something I find hard to explain. Also if Tae doesn’t want to, and if ji/kook get jealous about it why would they try to force Vmin to begin with?

Vmin/kook is weird. Maybe they all do have some drama of weird feelings that need to be resolved, but honestly we will probably never know. And it’s not really something we should need to know either. For me I enjoy all of BTS, and I especially love the bond between Jimin and Taehyung. I love BTS because they are so genuine, so if I start to think they are lying to us to the extent some of these theories would require then I would probably stop being a fan. As you say I refuse to think Vmin’s love is fake, because there is too much to show the complete opposite. You don’t have to try and ease me into a possible future where we learn another ship is real and not Vmin, because as long as their love is genuine I will still love their bond. Also, I always preach we should be open to whatever might be real, so obviously I am aware I could be wrong and Ji/kook could be together. I have said so many times. So again, please don’t feel the need to show me other ships to convince me another ship is real or makes more sense. It’s not what I am here for.

I know many will be sad/disappointed if their ship isn’t real, that’s why we shouldn’t get so fixated on having the right answer to begin with. Not everyone can be right, can they? We should be able to love Vmin without needing to have their relationship be romantic. Just try to enjoy and appreciate them together and the love we know they share.

I honestly didn’t understand this very well, maybe I am too tired. But again, many ships have moments that doesn’t make sense or that look awkward. People just zoom in and interpret some moments a lot more than others. As for Ji/kooks jokes/fanservice I do think it is mostly them trying to rile each other up for fun. They want to get a reaction, but the other one tries to resist. Usually this is Jimin directing it towards JK and getting close physically while JK tries not to react like some sort of showdown, while JK seems to go more for actual teasing like “Jimin is tiny” or playing “Lie” to rile Jimin up. Anyways, I see a lot of teasing between ji/kook for sure, but maybe that’s why they don’t seem like a long term relationship to me as well. Unless they have a kink to do that only for cameras or something. If Ji/kook is real then they shouldn’t have to tease to get attention so much if you ask me, at least not after being together for years. This is why Vmin being more diverse and soft, and their change from their younger more rowdy relationship is the kind of development that at least I personally see as more likely with a long term relationship where both parts grow and adapt together.

Not saying Ji/kook hasn’t gotten close and don’t have really intimate and sweet moments, they do for sure. But their main dynamic seem to be teasing, which makes them an interesting ship for sure, but for me at least less likely to be real.

There you all go. I did something I have avoided for a long time, which is doing direct comparisons and reasons for why I put one ship above another. Please don’t use this as a chance to hate on either relationship or shippers who don’t agree with you. I am sorry for this mess, and I might actually remove it later because I am not sure this is something I want on my blog.

Please, just remember, I have my reasons to ship Vmin. Other people have their reasons to ship other ships. It’s mostly about preference and focus, so let’s just try to enjoy our ships without having to worry or get involved with “rival ships”. Because BTS all love each other, so we should trust in what we see and enjoy it no matter what they might try to keep from us.

Thanks if you managed to read all of this and are still here. This was me being frustrated. Sorry.

I ship Vmin. Simple as that. 95z is love. Good night.

#vmin #btsandvmin #shipping #BTS shipping #vmin analysis #Btsandvmin ask #Btsandvmin answer #my post #rant #sorry

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sebbybooks · 5 years

Text

Beautiful Sinners

Sebastian Stan x Fanfiction

"I was his exception, and as much as I tried to hide my feelings he was mine." -J.M

Ella's

P.O.V

I am convinced that our wounded hearts were desperately craving for affection the moment that I met Sebastian. Revisiting the scene to where it all began feels like an ode to a dreadful October memory. I didn't mean to want him as much as I did. I tried to ignore the aching sensation I kept locked inside of myself that only Sebastian could set free. As overwhelming and intense it all was eventually it turned into something I know longer could resist. So I caved in. Once again in my life I ignored my better judgement and gave into temptation. The moment we collided we crashed and burned all at once. At times when I pass by I ask myself if it is selfish of me to wonder if when he walks by this street does he think of me too?

I was looking for a quick escape that day, because I had it made up in my mind that I was to leave and to never return. The pain that I felt was unquestionably real and that I was left without a doubt that it was in fact possible to suffer miserably at the hands from a broken heart. Before Sebastian my heart was already given to another, but he had returned it to me crushed within the palm of his calloused hand. I remember vividly sliding into the backseat of a taxi with my forehead pressed against the cold and damp window. Hot tears filled my eyes as I kept my gaze pinned out of the window. I was so focused on leaving I hadn't even realized when the cab came to an unexpected halt. But every part of me felt numb that not even for a single second I bothered to turn my head to see what was happening.

It wasn't until I heard someone curse under their breath as the door to the cab slammed shut. I felt the sudden brush of another body against mine. That is when I turned and I saw him for the first time. I am still not quite sure if I'm grateful that he convinced me to stay or angry with him for not letting me go.

Sebastian's

P.O.V

I don't think Ella truly even knew that I needed her more than she ever needed me. When we met I remember I couldn't run out of that event fast enough. I had to wait until the right moment until no one even noticed my presence anymore. Which was a hard task to do considering Mary kept me under her thumb the entire evening and paraded me around the room like her favorite show pony. It was as though I was constantly scrambling for a breath of fresh air. Granted it was a celebration for the newly engaged couple but it also seemed as though the only person who was miserable was me. The irony from that realization alone was enough to suffocate me.

I had to find a way to make a clean exit because the annoyance and frustration that was festering inside of me was going to cause me to implode. If I were to cause a scene Mary would have griped about it for days and with that in mind I stood up and walked out quicker than a bolt of lightning. Once outside of the building I descended down the stairs adding a more accelerated speed to my pace. I worried that with just my luck someone would spot me and I would have to go back inside. I didn't exactly know where I was headed.

I just knew that I wanted to be far away from that specific crowd of people. I jogged down the sidewalk trying to hail a cab until one came speeding right before me stopping in its tracks right before I found myself underneath it. Still not caring I walked around the cab and climbed into the backseat without thinking or even noticing that someone else was inside.

"Shit. I didn't see that anyone else was in here." I said apologetically, looking between the driver and the women who sat in the backseat who was curled up and visibly grief stricken. The woman looked up at me with tears welling up in her eyes and presumably black mascara smudged underneath her eyes. After our gaze locked temporarily she quickly turned away and bent down to gather her things.

"I can find another taxi." She said chocking back a sob.

"Nonsense!" I yelled. The sound of my own voice even startled me. I lowered my voice and for a brief moment I considered leaving and figuring out a different mode of transportation for my abrupt getaway. "Are you alright?" I asked in a hush tone, leaning in closer to get a better look at her face.

Barely unable to look back at me she shook her head with her attention out of the window she finally replied. "I will be."

"Are you trying to get somewhere? Do you need money?" As soon as I spoke those words I regretted it. It took me a second to see the situation in her perspective and I realized a strange male offering a woman he didn't know assistance or even being the slightest bit overbearing could come off misinterpreted.

"Excuse me?" She snapped. "What are you trying to imply?" She asked through gritted teeth.

"Ahem." The driver cleared his throat to interrupt us and stared in the rear view mirror at the two of us. "Neither one of you said were you were going and I do have the meter running." He added.

"I'll pay it." I answered briskly.

"I don't need your money or your pity." She said to me. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying.I smiled to myself observing her tenacious nature. She looked up at me with hazel eyes that looked like on a normal day a glow of sunlight permanently reflected in them. I couldn't help but feel obligated for her well being as crazy as that sounds.

"You're probably right and if I offended you in any way I am sorry." I muttered, genuinely meaning it. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and let out a sigh that was either a mixture of laughter or more crying. "No I'm the one who should be sorry." She said shaking her head.

"Apology not accepted because it is not necessary." I say offering her an empathetic smile.

"I just need to get out of here." She exhaled her words having a finality to them. "And please lose the pity smile." She mumbled.

I pressed my lips in a thin line to repress any hints of a smile. The more I looked at her the harder I found it to be serious. "Well if you were in my shoes how would you react if it were me in your place?"

Her response wasn't immediate. She eyed me as if she were looking for a flaw. I watched her as she conducted her study of me. My posture stiffened and I straightened my shoulders positioning myself in a manner like a portrait was being taken of me. She remained silent for several minutes all the while the cab was still at a stand still. Never once she met my gaze, but my eyes started to etch her body in memory. She wore a dark green pea coat that couldn't conceal her petite frame well.

I assumed she was tall by the way she kept her elongated legs crossed that barely could fit in cab. Her hair looked softer than silk. A wave of dark brown curls was perfectly trimmed around her face as it framed to the nape of her neck. Any man with eyes would easily agree that Mary was easy on the eyes, but her beauty didn't parallel with the woman before me.

"If I saw a man sitting alone in a taxi bawling his eyes out I would without a doubt run in the opposite direction." She finally said.

"Now I'm offended." I clutched my hand to my heart pretending to be wounded by her words.

"Being a cautionary tale isn't on my bucket list these days." She scrunched up her nose and barely let a smile form across her lips. "You didn't give me your name."

"Neither did you." I quickly responded.

She stiffed out a sigh. "My name is Ella."

"Sebastian." I reached over to offer my hand as a formal gesture. Right away I thought she would reject it and I once again would have embarrassed myself. I was surprised when Ella mimicked in response. "It's a lot of strange people in this town am I foolish to think you're not one of them?" She asked with a raised brow.

Taking her hand in mine I shook it lightly. " I wouldn't go that far as to calling you a fool." I grinned. She rolled her eyes and I could've sworn I saw a genuine smile spread across her face. Her hand eventually slipped out of mine and it was a touch that was so simple and innocent an yet it lit a blazing fire under my skin.

Ella's

P.O.V

Smiling only made me want to cry even more. I tried to choke back the ripple of sadness that engulfed me and was nearly on the brink of swallowing me whole. I should have been halfway to the airport by now. On a flight that would be taking me to my parents house and yet I found myself sitting in the backseat sharing a taxi with a man wearing a suit probably more affordable than the clothes I had stuffed in my duffel bag combined. My day just wouldn't end even though I desperately wanted to be left alone to lick my wounds. Sebastian seemed to be in a hurry to get to where he was going and perhaps I was also a roadblock in his plans as well.

"From the looks of it you are racking up a pretty pricey one way ride to nowhere and I will take no part in helping you pay for." I said, lifting a little in my seat watching the red numbers change.

Sebastian wrinkled his forehead with a look of skepticism written across his face."Hmmm you technically were in here first."

I caught a glimpse of the driver suspiciously eyeing us in the rear view mirror probably wondering what the hell was even going on. "If you really think about it you are the reason it's not even moving. I was on my way to the airport until you had to almost get run over." I said to him.

Sebastian rolled his eyes then sucked in a breath of air before biting the inside of his cheek. "And yet my odds still would be greater being away from that venue." He pointed. I followed where his finger was directing. Bending my neck down a little my eyes fell to what looked like a mini cathedral. "Would could have possibly been so wrong in there?" I asked, still admiring the view. I looked back at him when I noticed he had gone quiet. He was staring down at his hands as the feeling of distaste was written all over his face.

I leaned back into my seat turning my body to face him. My face still felt damp so I raised my hand to my face thinking I would be wiping away the last of my fallen tears. Looking back down at my hands I saw that I had black eye makeup all over my hands. Suddenly embarrassed that I probably must have looked like the human equivalent to a raccoon. I dug around in my purse to retrieve my travel size makeup bag to find my cleansing wipes. I quickly pulled out a damp cloth from the package and rubbed the white cloth all around my face. I pulled out a circular compact mirror to make sure it was all off. Then I heard the sound of muffled laughter coming from Sebastian.

"You could have said I looked ridiculous." I told him.

"You wouldn't look ridiculous even if you tried." He paused. "Besides you look like you had a pretty rough day."

"The sooner I leave the better." I answered quickly hoping his comment wasn't an attempt at flirting. Because I was starting to feel anxious as the sadness laid thick in my throat.

"What's got you in a rush anyway?" He asked, his tone was peaked with curiosity but I wasn't going to change the subject from me to him that easily.

"I could ask you the same question." I did my best to maintain eye contact without driving my attention into a full blown staring contest. I was certain the minute my boyfriend broke up with me there wouldn't be any other guys on my radar for a very long time. Sebastian was no Nate, for Sebastian I would consider that a very big compliment. There was a brooding look in his eyes that I couldn't help but find myself drawn to. Even though I really didn't know him or was even ready to look at anyone else that way. With Sebastian for someone reason I couldn't help it. Heaven knows I tried.

"It's complicated." He replied giving me a weak smile.

"That word has been thrown around a lot today." I sighed with a heavy heart as I remembered what happened less than two hours ago. My boyfriend of three years feelings suddenly became blurred and he wasn't sure what he wanted out of his future. A future that no longer included me in it. It wouldn't have stung so badly if I didn't live with him.

The realization of my situation suddenly hit me with full force when I realized I had no place to go except back home to my parents house. Something I was dreading doing for years. I wondered while packing my bags would they even welcome me back with open arms. I had no choice but to soon find out.

"Is that why you're crying your eyes out in the backseat of a cab?" Sebastian asked.

"You know I'm not going to answer anything you're asking me, because you won't quit beating around the bush." I say, putting an emphasis on my words.

He huffed but he finally relented. "I was rushing out of an engagement party." Sebastian finally admitted.

"What could have possibly been the problem? Were you in love with the bride to be....the groom to be?" I thought of all possible cliches to spout at him.

"I won't deny that he is one handsome son of a bitch, but as horrible as it sounds no I don't have feelings for the bride to be." He looked away shamefully.

"Why would that be such a horrible declaration to admit?" The intrusive words fell out of my mouth before I could catch them, but Sebastian was quick to interject.

"Because it was my engagement party that I walked out on." His tone hardened and his expression grew weary.

I curl my lip. "That is complicated." I pulled my coat around my shoulders tighter. The heat radiating inside of the taxi was strong enough to break off the autumn chill seeping in from outside. The windows were quickly starting to fog up. The thought of Nate crept back into my mind and sent the feeling of unwavering icy chills down my spine.The pang of sadness I felt still existed and was still fresh within me. I wondered to myself how it could have been so easy for him to lie me.

I sensed the breakup coming from miles away. It didn't even take me catching him with another woman for me to figure it out. I quickly turned in the opposite direction when I saw the sight of Nate ravaging her on our bed. I wished he could've just told me it was someone else instead of making me believe I was a damper in his plans. Out from the corner of my eyes I noticed that Sebastian was looking at me with a strange expression on his face.

"I think you should head back inside." I tell him.

"Why?" Sebastian asked while still obviously observing me.

I let out a cynical laugh. "Because you're getting married! That's why, and if you don't feel the same then you should just tell her or is it just too damn complicated?"

"Answer me first?" He asked leaning in towards me. "What has gotten you so upset that you're dead set on leaving?"

The answer was simple. "It wasn't meant to be."

Sebastian's

P.OV

It was something about her that made me want to know more. I was probably an even bigger asshole to let my mind get me that far considering I am engaged to Mary. I had known Ella for less that an hour and yet I never wanted this meeting to come to an end. "This morning my boyfriend broke up with me." She shrugged her shoulders slowly like the pain in her voice weighed down on her. She closed her eyes and stifles out a laugh. "On top of that I lived with him and now I have no place to go except back home to Portland."

It never resonated with me that a breakup would be the cause of her sadness. I guess that it is good that is it never safe to assume anything. Or maybe it was because I didn't want to think that such theory like that would exist with her. I was too busy caught in my mindless flirting which thankfully she didn't seem to notice. I don't know what I was even thinking. Ever since the day Mary told me the news that she was pregnant my conscious has been tearing me apart.

When we weren't together for those two months Mary made the most out of it while gladly throwing it in my face. I don't even know where my head was at when I tossed around the idea that we should get married. At the time it felt like the right thing to do and now I am left feeling frayed because I am not even sure if I am the father.

"If we always ran away from our problems where would that leave us?" I asked Ella, though frankly I was asking myself. She looked back at me with doe eyes that under any other given circumstances I would have gladly been bewitched by.

"But it is easier said than done, am I right?" Ella replied, and I had a hunch that it was meant for me.

"Maybe." I say, turning my head around to try and get a good look out of the fogged window. "Oh and that guy you were dating is a complete jackass for the record. You clearly deserve better."

Ella holds my gaze for a while, her eyes shutting until it looks she is just squinting at me. "You don't know that." She whispered. I wasn't going to tell Ella that she was in fact wrong.

"Do you have a phone I can borrow?" I ask. Ella bit down on the corner of her lips, pulling it up with her teeth contemplating whether or not to trust me most likely. While I did my fucking best not to stare at her mouth. Pulling strands of curly hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear. Ella reached in her purse and dug her hand around until she pulled out her cellphone. She didn't even ask me why I needed it as she passed it to me.

I scrolled around her phone till I found her contacts and on a whim I decided to put my name and number in her phone. I looked up to see if she was watching me, which she was. I knew something could have been really wrong with me for my sudden attraction to her. "There you go." I cleared my throat as I handed her back her phone.

Ella quickly grabbed it and scrolled through it to see what damaged I could've caused. My hand grazes hers and the feel of it brushing mine again only made me want to find an excuse to touch her again. "What did you do?" Her eyebrows were pinched together in confusion.

"If I go back in there you have to also agree that you won't leave the city." I said, hopefully striking up a deal with her.

"I don't know." She frowned as she shook her head.

"Yes you do!"I tried to make my voice sound reassuring, despite I was scared shitless over the idea that I would be potentially spending the rest of my life with Mary.

"Why do you care so much? We are just two strangers who are looking for a way to get far away from our problems." She says, dropping her phone back into to her purse then zipping it.

"Did you ever think that maybe it's them and not us? We have to stop letting people think they have permission to fuck with our lives." I told her, and for the first time finally hearing my own voice. I lifted up to reach deep into my pocket to pull out my wallet to pass the driver what Ella and I owed him.

"Sorry for wasting your time." I held my arm out with the cash in hand. He turned around and looked at me and Ella then back to me again. "No no just this once it will be on me." He faintly smiled before turning back around to look at the street.

"Think about what I said Ella." I opened the door and stepped out of the cab and the cold air wasn't inviting.

"Good luck Sebastian." Was all that she said. Our eyes met for the longest time and for the love of God I didn't want our gaze to break. I let out an agonizing sigh and let the cab door close.

When I walked back inside I wasn't surprised that the first person who welcomed me back in was my fiancée. She hurried in my direction and if I wasn't mistaken she changed her outfit yet again. Her auburn hair hanging down around her shoulders red strands effortless flowing behind her back. Mary's dress wasn't the tiniest bit conservative in the slightest. Her cleavage nearly toppled out her dress. "Where the hell have you been?" She smiled through gritted teeth.

"Getting fresh perspective." I shoved my hands in my pockets giving the occasional nod and wave whenever guest walked by.

"Am I suppose to know what that means?"

I was just about to answer her until her Mary's step brother approached us. For as long as I have known her I have only hung out with the guy on a few occasions and there's always been people around. From what I do know about him he likes to keep his life private and that he is strangely affectionate with his step sister.

"Why does this happy couple look so unhappy?" His voiced echoed, as he draped his arm around Mary's shoulder.

"Why don't you go find yourself drowning at the open bar?" Mary shrugged his arm away and smoothed an invisible wrinkle from her dress.

"I thought people causing a spectacle was beneath you." He winked at her in which she didn't seem to be offended or bothered by him.

"Shouldn't you be with your other half anyway? That girl was practically your shadow. " Mary taunted him while mustering up a smile. Whatever she was getting at seemed to work and it looked like she got under his skin. The two of them started to talk in front of me and I would have preferred if they had just left. I tuned out the sound of their voices when I heard the notification sound go off on my phone. I pulled out my phone to see that I had a text message from an unknown number had lit up on my screen. I read the message that popped and finally figured out who it was from.

~ Maybe you are right after all. . . .thanks for the unsolicited advice. Ella xx~

"Did someone send you a dirty picture by the looks of that grin on your face?" Soon as he uttered the words Mary shot him and I both menacing glares.

"Don't you have someone else to bother Nathaniel?" I ask, locking my phone and quickly putting it away while making a mental note to text her back.

"My grandmother is the only one that calls me that. I go by Nate man."

{To Be Continued.}

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thebiancarivers · 5 years

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What to expect from REAL LIFE

My usual readers know that I recently started going full time. If you are new here, well you can scroll back in time and see my older posts about coming out and such.

What to expect once you consider your coming out done and decide to embrace your feminine self 100% of the time?

It’s time to face reality!

Do not expect everyone to follow the change simply because you decided it was time. Keep in mind that most people are anchored in a binary world and will address you with what is the most obvious to them: your beard shadow, your voice, your Adam’s apple... so if you don’t make your « new gender » reeeeally obvious, do not get mad at the cashier for misgendering you. Just slapping on some lipstick and eyeliner will not cut it most of the time.

You will get misgendered, you will get weird looks, you will fell the embarrassment sometimes... but you will also get genuine smiles, compliments and appreciation as well. Just be grateful when you get positive and appropriate reactions and ignore the rest: no need to torture yourself because some stranger looked at you weird on the bus.

Self-confidence is the key

Learn to trust yourself. Learn to love who you are and what you are. Passing is a nice goal and when it happens, be happy about it. When you get recognized for being trans, do not worry about it! You are who you are. Be proud of it! It will be a lot easier for people to accept you if you look like you fully assume who you are.

Yes we want to be seen as women (or men).

Yes we put a lot of effort to look the ways we want to be seen.

Nonetheless, our image is not what defines who we are. Just accept who you are. When you will be comfortable with yourself, people will be too.

Blowing a fuse won’t do any good

I see a lot of younger folks being super reactive... Stop that!! It’s not helping anyone and nobody listens to people that are kicking and screaming . You will look and be treated like a child throwing a tantrum. I see people getting mad for being misgendered, but they dont present themselves as the gender they want to be.

If you are a teenager and your parents do not get on board with your situation, it can be frustrating. I get that... You have to assume the fact that younger people have usually less credibility. Then, try to put yourself in their shoes for a minute:

What is their cultural background? Super religious and conservative? Open-minded and liberal?

Are you close to them? Do you usually tell them about your problems or you are the kind of teen who tells them they cannot understand what you are going through before hiding in their room?

Did you diagnose your gender dysphoria yourself or did you already go to see a specialist?

Are you the kind of kid who changes hobby every week, while managing to convince their parents to spend the required amount of money on it?

How did you introduce the situation? Did you build the story gradually or you have simply thrown it out there as a big surprise?

And as I often say: the mental work you have accomplished to get to the point of coming out has to be done by everyone you tell as well. Nobody will do it at the same speed and not everyone is ready to do it right away.

It’s not because people are mean. It’s simply because society is still very binary and attached to the typical gender stereotypes. You can’t expect everyone to be aware all of a sudden just because you are. Especially if you are non-binary... most languages are gendered. Most languages do not have a gender-neutral pronoun. And let’s be honest: some people have a very confusing gender expression.

Gender expression vs Gender perception

I have recently seen an interview with a queer poet that was very interesting. But as interesting as she was, she was definitely confusing, even to me. I understand that she identifies as a girl, I understand that she likes wearing dresses and high heels... But she is not on HRT and she is also sporting a full beard. I have nothing against that, don’t get me wrong, but for most people, she is simply a dude (probably gay, because... which straight guy would do something like that, right?) in a dress,

You can live your gender expression the way you see fit, the way that makes you feel good about yourself. At the end of the day, we do that to be happy with ourselves, not to make other people happy. But don’t forget that the way you express yourself (and it applies to EVERY form of communication as well) will always be interpreted by the people around you. If you are not clear enough, expect people to misinterpret your message: they are seeing it through a binary education, a binary language and a bunch of gender-based prejudice. If your message is “I AM A GIRL” and getting misgendered is really painful for you... make sure you make a statement that is crystal clear.

I really hope this post can help you being more comfortable with yourself and society in general. Feel free to tell me what you think about the matter in the comments, I would really enjoy having a discussion about it and see different points of view.

#trans #transitioning #transisbeautiful #trans is beautiful #trans is valid #trans issues #trans advice #coming out tips #being trans

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megape · 6 years

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Blog; I Ramble About Love

I’m in that mood again where I want to be productive, but I’m probably not going to be. I really just (like always) want someone here beside me.

Ugh, beware, I’m going to gush about everything because I’m feeling like it and maybe someone can also relate to the frustration I’m feeling from it. Don’t read if you can’t handle some super honest thoughts and truths about my views on relationships/friendships/sexuality.

Also, keep in mind that though I’m being honest, most of this rambling is just all my thoughts being pushed to the outside world. Writing helps keep me sane when I have too much going on in my brain. I enjoy being honest, but I hope everyone that reads this realizes I’m not some stickler with hard expectations. I just decided to put all my jumbled ideas and thoughts to “paper.” Read with discretion and an open mind. (//^-^//)

I guess lately, well really, for the past year or so I’ve been really lonely(?) It hasn’t been in that desperate kind of way though that I think most people tend to affiliate it with. Sure I’d love to just make a wish in a well and *poof* I have someone to love right beside me. But lately I’ve been talking with God alot and He’s telling me to be patient. Obviously, if I’m patient it’ll be alot more clear when the right person comes waddling into my life, but because I feel so much all the time my heart just wants to jump right into things. I know that’s not healthy for me, but regardless it’s what my heart keeps pulling me to.

And it’s really frustrating because being a demisexual and typically not feeling sexually attracted to people leaves me wondering and uncertain at times. Half the time I hear my friends drool over someone passing by and they’ll make a sexual remark and I’m like, “Wow, I bet that person has something that makes them really happy and I want to listen to them talk about it.” I care so much about people. I love so hard. SO much. And it’s really hard for me to open up physically even though that’s exactly what my mind wants. I dunno, I’m very confused lately because I have been struggling with my mind tossing and turning over everything. I’m a hopeless romantic and the fact that I’ve finally put myself out there is SO scary. Like, I’m fragile, I know, but knowing that someday I could let someone into my heart again and them break it is terrifying to me. I just hope things go well for me. I guess sometimes with most relationships I make now with people I tend to set them up by telling them I’m mess and then also making sure they know that I’m very open to discussing things in person. Does anyone else do that? I know it’s because of my anxiety/being self-conscious, but you’re supposed to make things clear, right? I’m always trying to make sure the other person knows I want to grow and make the relationship/friendship/etc last. I’m willing to fight for it if they are. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else really feels that way or if we’re all just playing house.

I don’t want to play house. I want real. I want genuine. I’m not afraid to say I want that. I don’t want people in my life that aren’t going to take the relationship seriously. Whether that’s family, friends, or a significant other. I truly want the other person to always know I’m here to stay unless they prove to not want to work on things that can cause harm to the relationship. My goal in life is to maintain happiness and healthy boundaries. I’ve got to abide by that for my own wellbeing and if we can agree to settle things like humans then great!

In addition, that’s not to say that I don’t believe in short relationships. Some people only stay around for a season and others a lifetime. We live and we learn from relationships and that’s healthy! I’m not about to force a relationship that has run its course; especially if the other person doesn’t want me in their life!

I’m rambling again, but really I just worry alot. I’m tired of being just Megan. I want someone who wants to invest in my heart and I. But then again, that’s almost like saying I’m not enough and that shouldn’t be the case. Being Megan is perfectly enough and I don’t need someone else to prove my worth.

I guess that seems like alot and it’s definitely not something I’d throw out there on the first date, but I’m not the kind of girl that likes short term. And to clarify once again, short term in this case means hookups or fake friendships. You’re in it with me to enjoy and adventure through life for the time being or you’re not. And it’s okay if that’s not what someone else wants, go do you boo. We all have different needs and wants! Find what makes you happy and healthy and pursue it!

Ideally, I want to give my S.O. the world and all my love along with it. I’ve got lots of it stored up that I’m willing to hand out. I’ve never been able to fully give out romantic love... probably because I’ve never been in a clearly defined committed and loving relationship, but I’m still capable of it. If people would just give me a chance. I’ve got lots to offer like hugs and midnight drives and flowers and balloons on sad days and surprise visits and hand holding and encouragement and so much more. It’d help if I knew your love language... and then I could just go all out. Mine right now has been physical touch. I want someone I can hold onto and curl up beside. I want someone who lets me sit beside them in silence and it be fine. I need steady and safe. I’m tired of all this fake stuff that seems to happen so often. I just want someone who wants to invest in me, my heart, and the things I love. And I promise to do the same for you with all that I have. I truly believe my purpose here is to love unconditionally.

And to be completely honest, I have LOADS of love in my life right now from friends and family and my relationship spiritually, but there’s that different kind of love. Does anyone else other than myself obsess over the different types and how they receive them in different ways? There’s four that I believe in: Eros, Storge, Philia, and Agape. I have Agape tattooed on me because that’s the love I strive to give to everyone, but granted philia is the most achievable towards strangers and friends. Storge is easy because my family gives me plenty of love and comfort. But it’s all the Eros love that’s being stored up that I have no one to share it with. I want to share companionship with someone. I want to invest in them and encourage them through their life. This all makes me laugh a little because everytime I hear “eros” all I can think of is Yuri!!! on Ice. But seriously, I’m a relatively simple person to love with the exception of all the useless amounts of information and ramblings of thought that go on in my head. But hey! That’s why I write. You could literally give me a flower from the ground that you picked up as you walked towards me and it’d keep my heart happy for days. I may talk a big game, but really I’m just looking for love like everyone else. Simple and sweet. Genuine and real. I’m not trying to make it seem unattainable, but rather, this is my way of helping me get all my thoughts out and realize someday someone will love me regardless of all the crazy stuff in my head. :P

Also, can I talk about how frustrating it is to be panromantic demisexual. Like, what are all these words and why am I feeling all of them at once?! Sexuality is so confusing, but to break it down, I’m feeling so disconnected from my sexuality right now. I get really scared that people won’t like me or choose to love me because of it too. Like, maybe they misinterpret and think I don’t want sex or that I’m too gay or too straight for them. I get SO scared from that. I love everyone equally and just because I’m more romantic than sexual doesn’t mean that doesn’t come later. That’s why I’m also demisexual! I do experience those feelings, but you’ve got to earn a special place in my heart first. I have to be able to trust you. Some of that is my embedded religious background, some from past heartbreak, and some just because that’s who I am. I take time to love, and I hope the right person doesn’t get scared away and understands I have trouble sometimes. I’m not perfect... and I don’t think they probably will be either so I’m not sure why I always think they’re going to be better than me. Honestly though anytime I develop a (serious) crush it’s like the other person fell from heaven. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to stop putting other people on pedestals and that they’re just like me with strengths and weaknesses. That’s what makes human love so unique, vulnerable, and special because a bond forms where you can be real with each other and know you’ll stay side by side. Ugh, I want that so bad...

I’m sure this is alot of heavy stuff, and I feel really weird putting this out on tumblr, but maybe someone else out there gets me. Once again, I’m thankful to the people in my life right now who have chosen to invest in me and be super cool individuals. I enjoy doing life beside you. I love you all and the silly quirks you bring along with you. Let’s make memories. We’ve got one life, let’s live it lovingly!

#honest #love #lovey dovey #agape #unconditional love #significant other #family #friends #relationships #blog post #blog #what is love #overly honest #long post

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onewayglass · 7 years

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Teru (& some TeruMob) meta

Warning: contains some fandom salt, oops.

Fandom opinion from what I have gathered so far tends to either characterize Teru as this pure boy who has a crush on or lives for the attention of Mob and gets nervous and anxious over it like a shoujo heroine, OR this somewhat edgy yandere that fucks a girl every week and would probably choke and abuse Mob or something… and I fucking cringe.

Both are so wrong I don’t even know where to begin and I know both characterizations are passive aggressive wars between “antis” and “nasties” but lol, that’s something I am not coming within a 20 ft pole of and I can’t stand when ppl warp characterization to piss off the other parts of a fandom instead of reading carefully with canon… but I digress.

I think what’s jarring and easily misinterpreted is Teru’s change of behavior following his battle with Mob.

There was a great Tumblr post awhile back (which seems to have been deleted, argh) that hypothesized that Teru’s change in personality is an example of altruistic surrender.

Altruistic surrender refers to an ego-defence mechanism postulated by Anna Freud by which a person internalizes the values of another person and lives his or her life in accordance with those values.

I never took a psych class so I’m not going to delve into this further but this makes a lot of sense, since Teru’s previous identity and system of values took such a huge collapse that it’s impossible for him to formulate and rebuild it quickly, so he latches onto and internalizes Mob’s values, which does ultimately change him for the better and is a powerful driving force in him learning to reform his own personality, but does clash with his inherent personality traits to an extent.

Teru says during his battle with Mob that “people can’t change that easily” and that point is simultaneously right and wrong regarding himself. On the surface, it seems like he’s suddenly changed, but that’s because his entire world has been uprooted to the point he can’t return to it so he’s substituting believing in (and thus admiring) Mob until he figures himself out again.

However, for a person with stubborn pride like Teru, when that pride is shattered it doesn’t smooth out immediately, but impales the person on its pieces. You definitely see flashes of those gaping wounds post-defeat - an example being when he intimidates Ritsu, which I believe was both genuine advice and a way to vent frustration with his own former self.

In the manga, you see that Teru gets addicted to developing and refining his psychic power and learning multiple techniques. Sure, it’s probably because it’s useful if he and Mob ever have to fight a shady organization again (and they do), but on some level he’s still trying to surpass Mob in some way. He’s not demanding Mob acquiesce to his values like he did initially, but he’s trying to prove, perhaps both to Mob and himself that he’s an equal - since he can’t match Mob in overwhelming power reserves, he makes up for it in versatility. And from my point of view he seems to be always, on some subconscious level, trying to figure out why he wants to prove himself to Mob - as a friend? A rival? Maybe both? Why? Does he simply want peace of mind by proving that point? Or does he want to ‘repay’ Mob for ‘saving’ him? Shrugs, we can never know exactly but those are both possible.

It’s interesting that Teru’s catchphrase is “I am an ordinary person” and it seems like something he both accepts and fights at the same time. He accepts it in that he’s gotten through to his head that psychic powers don’t make him a better person inherently, they’re just another talent, etc. He fights it because he simply has too much ambition to sit quietly and not be outstanding in some way (“through effort, I have become an exception”).

Unlike Mob, he doesn’t easily accept being ‘nothing’ and having ‘no presence’ - he doesn’t quite have the strength of heart to embrace that ideal without looking back. But I do feel like this time the way he deals with it is healthier because he wants to stand out for genuine hard-earned achievement, not arbitrary factors he was born into.

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Now, I’ll address the characterization in most TeruMob fics of Teru as the “nervous blushing shoujo heroine” and WHY I think people make that mistake a lot of times when writing fluff. Those writers aren’t 100% utterly WRONG in reading how Teru would act towards Mob in a romantic fanon context but they oversimplify his internal thought processes and fixate too much on the tropey outwards actions.

Teru has never had a real friend before Mob because his previous “friendships” were for status and ego boosts. Mob saw through that facade while everybody else bought into it.

There’s a lot that could give him anxiety re: forming his first friendship because it’s new and difficult and he’s learning as he goes along without being able to skip any steps, and also because Mob is particularly difficult to read as is. Teru and Mob, in the earlier stages of their friendship (outside of the necessary temporary alliance in the Claw infiltration arc) would probably be very awkward as both of them can easily be concerned with what could go wrong.

Mob is bad at reading the atmosphere, and Teru is not the greatest at genuine communication without putting up a front, so you can imagine how that goes.

Now if we’re going the route of implying Teru having romantic feelings for Mob, that complicates things further. Teru’s dated girls for show but when it comes to somebody he genuinely likes… given the way he’s handled facing his own emotional problems thus far I’m inclined to think he’d be in denial. While Mob’s clinical, pathological compartmentalization of his emotions made him a literal time bomb of sorts, Teru is more of the “self-aware but actively avoiding” type is my interpretation. And frankly speaking, there’s a lot that could go wrong should he get into a relationship with somebody he has genuine feelings for because he has too much to unpack about himself. His admiration of Mob in general would prompt him to also keep those feelings under wraps because the friendship is already an intricate maze to navigate.

Again, everything I’ve just explained is probably where TeruMob fic writers are coming from but they tend to gloss over or skip depicting these parts and thus end up with a hollow shell of what could have been. Also, for anime-only watchers, it’s easy to not get a good grasp on Teru (because you miss out on his technique-developing obsession and what that implies) I feel.

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #mp100 spoilers #hanazawa teruki #terumob #character meta #long post #my headcanons #cy thoughts

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mariellemichelle-blog · 7 years

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Why Am I Still Single?

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Why Am I Still Single?

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“Why am I still single?” It’s a question I hear a lot in my practice. As a clinical psychologist in New York City, I work with many successful clients – while they’re really good at getting things done in their professional lives, their dating life is either nonexistent or chaotic.

If you’re anything like my clients, you may at times feel frustrated because while you believe you’ve done all the right things to find the right person, you don’t understand why it isn’t happening. If you feel like you hit a wall when it comes to dating when you’re otherwise confident and successful, see if what’s holding you back is one of these top reasons that I find my clients often struggle with.

1. Your idea of being open to dating someone different means they have a different favorite color.

OK, I’m being a little facetious here, but I do see a lot of clients who rule out potential matches over things that are actually really minor in the context of lifelong partnership – whether because of a height that’s less than ideal, political views that don’t match perfectly, or even a grasp of the hottest nightclubs. Remember that in a partnership, the way you manage the areas where you differ is actually very important. Try to boil down a short list of your absolute essentials in dating (aim for 3 to 4 qualities, such as “kind-hearted, wants marriage/kids, successful, physically fit”) and then do your best to let the other things fade into the background so that chemistry has a chance to develop.

2. You come across as critical without even realizing it.

Some of my clients have a way of presenting themselves that makes them look and sound critical: They squint their eyes and use a dismissive tone of voice, or they don’t make a lot of eye contact, smile, or demonstrate a lot of interest or excitement in the world around them. The interesting part is that when asked if something is wrong, these types of people seem genuinely surprised. They aren’t depressed – this is just their normal way of presenting themselves.

Why do they do this? There are all kinds of reasons why someone could come to present themselves in a way that others experience as closed off. Maybe they’re insecure and take on a dismissive air because they’re afraid of being rejected, for example.

Because I’m meeting them as a psychologist rather than a potential friend or date, I am undeterred by all this – even if they give me terse answers or quizzical “umm’s,” I continue to show interest in them, try to engage them, and draw them out. Usually, this is all it takes – after five to ten minutes of me being super-nice and reassuring, they come out of their shell and actually turn out to be really sweet people. However, I’m not surprised when they complain that their dating life is stalled and that they can’t seem to attract a positive and enthusiastic partner.

I’m not saying that people should be false and pretend to be the Happiest Person Ever on dates, but it’s important to let your date see you in your best light. Start by making sure you arrive in clean clothing in flattering colors, styled hair, and wearing a little makeup. Then once there, smile and say something positive about the setting or the weather. Don’t put yourself or your date down, even in jest, and remember: First dates aren’t the time to open up about your abusive boss, mounting credit card bills, or your psycho roommate. One more how-to on letting date see you in your best light: Before the date, scan a newspaper so you can talk about current events like art exhibits, local news, or whatever piques your interest. This gives you a way to share yourself in a way that is confident and relatable; and it can prime the conversation pump so you and your date can have fun getting to know one another!

Human beings have something called mirror neurons – whatever emotion you’re displaying, your date’s mirror neurons will actually respond as if he is feeling your emotions. So if you’re focused on negative things, your date’s mirror neurons could give him a negative feeling, resulting in a closed or withdrawn facial expression. This, in turn, causes your mirror neurons to give you a negative feeling back about him. The good news is that by focusing on positive things, the mirror neuron circle will work in a positive way for both of you. And you will actually be doing yourself a favor if you give the date a chance to succeed by deliberately projecting an open, positive attitude.

3. You run your dating life like a boardroom.

Many of my female clients are very successful at work, and they are accustomed to getting what they want in their professional lives. What they want in their personal lives often includes a man who is at least as successful as they are, taller than they are, and who will pursue them. But it’s sometimes difficult for these women to actually let the man take the lead like they say they want him to do. Just to make it clear, I’m not telling these women that they need to let a man pursue them; these women are telling me that they’re frustrated by men who don’t pursue them.

So what’s the problem? While they like the idea in theory of letting a man pursue them, they get very frustrated if he doesn’t pursue them on their timeline and in the manner of their preference. They have “talks” with men who they don’t feel are “doing enough” – much like they’d have a chat with an underperforming employee.

But you cannot dictate pursuit. You cannot complain to someone that he isn’t pursuing you. If you do, then he’s only pursuing because you told him to, in which case he is following your directions – which is almost the opposite of pursuit.

If you want to call the shots, fine with me – I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help clients get (almost) whatever they want! But if you want him to lead, you can’t tell him how to do it. This doesn’t mean you have to sit around waiting, though. If he isn’t pursuing you the way you want, date others who will! But don’t tell him to pursue you and then feel surprised when you’re both sensing the awkward tension that will inevitably arise.

Telling a man to pursue you is like telling him how to lead. By doing so, you are actually leading – and depriving yourself of what you’re really craving.

4. You over-invest in a man who hasn’t even asked you to be in a relationship.

The reason many women have trouble just distancing themselves from a man who isn’t pursuing them is because they’ve over-invested themselves in the relationship before the man has earned the investment. They’ve quit dating other people simply because their “favorite” is requesting a lot of dates.

What they don’t think about is that just going on five or six really fun dates where each time you go a little further physically is totally enticing to men, but it doesn’t mean anything in terms of the man’s interest or ability to make a commitment. It can get even more confusing if the man has been saying things like, “I see myself getting married and settling down sometime in the next few years.” The women sometimes misinterpret this as having a talk about his goals and interests pertaining to them specifically.

Like it or not, women have a biological tendency to become commitment-oriented sooner than men when they start having great sex (oxytocin – we’ve all heard about it!). So if you’re having great sex and the man mentions the future, perhaps even invites you to a friend’s wedding or to meet his parents when they visit him next month, your heart can quickly go in limbo.

My advice: If you meet someone special, consider taking things really s-l-o-w. Don’t quit dating other people till he asks you, and if he doesn’t ask you, take that as information about either a) his interest in you, b) his interest in commitment, or c) his ability to pursue and go after what he wants. A man must demonstrate ALL of the above if you’re looking for a committed relationship with someone who pursues you. This is what 99% of my female dating clients specifically tell me they want (a man who will pursue them), and if that’s you too, these tips may help you.

5. You haven’t let go of your ex.

Are you in a pattern of being “just friends” with someone you recently broke up with? If so, the texts, phone calls, and get-togethers could be holding you back from giving yourself wholeheartedly to single life and moving forward. If this is you, it’s time to leave the past behind. Instead of letting someone with whom a relationship hasn’t worked take up all your mental space, why not let go and direct your focus toward the possibility of a new relationship that will potentially be even better that the last?

6. You’re afraid.

Fear is a sneaky thing that could be sabotaging your love life without you even realizing. Dating requires vulnerability, and putting yourself out there without quite knowing what you’ll get in return can be scary. If you haven’t had the rosiest of endings in your past relationships, you could be looking at potential dates or new relationships from a fearful lens – whether the fear is being rejected or falling for the wrong person again.

Fears like these aren’t uncommon, but if left unexplored, they can eventually evolve into a reason to consciously or subconsciously avoid dating altogether. If you’ve caught yourself wondering whether you should even bother giving someone a chance because it probably won’t work out anyway, fear could be holding you back.

If you know deep down that the fear is actually more about your own difficulty becoming vulnerable, then encourage yourself to open up slowly – chances are, your fear of intimacy is running alongside a fear of being alone, so give yourself a chance to try something new. And if you know you have a pattern of choosing people who are unavailable, unreliable, or otherwise hurtful, then your fear is actually serving as a helpful reminder to you that you need to get support in choosing healthy dates. Support can come in many forms, such as self-help books, good friends, family, or therapy. One of the most effective treatments for overcoming anxiety and fear is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically, so speak with a mental health professional about it. You owe it to yourself to give love a chance this Valentine’s Day – and beyond!

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