man. should rlly start bringing my sketchbook to work

NO FOR REAL CUZ. WE'VE NEVER SEEN HIM FUCK UP BAD

WE SEE HIM SLIGHTLY FUSTERED AND SHIT BUT THOSE ARE MINOR TIMES

I WANT TO SEE HIM BACKED INTO A WALL, A MOMENT WHERE HE GENUINELY DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO, WHAT "KANAME" WOULD DO

I WANT HIM TO BREAK AND REALIZE THAT MAYBE HE CANT BE KANAME, CUX HE FUCKING ISNT!! HE FUCKING ISNT!!! HES NOT HIMERU HES NOT KANAME HES JUST HIM, A HIM THAT HE SCRATCHES AND CENSORS FROM HIS MEMORY

okay im back to normal

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ye god yeslike the closest is probably romanitc?date where he lashes out at tatsumi but he doesnt really question his behaviors similarly in ariadne there the overthinking to try and guess at what HiMERU would want vs "him" but no click and honestly yht efact that hes constantly trying the refer to HiMERU - the perfect idol, who is incapable of being wrong, being cruel, of being human- instead of kaname who is painfully human is jsut setting himself up for grander failure

finally queuing my zine stuff and like. my style keeps changing... but im proud of how much i’ve improved!

Hello! Genuine question (don’t feel obligated to answer), is there any possibility you’ll ever draw Quackity again?

hey! i know around last year i used to draw alex a lot and was known for making art of him but in the end, i can say i wont be drawing him again.

ITS NOT BC I HATE HIM or dislike him or anything! i just fell out of liking dsmp and youtubers :p i get really caught up in something for a few years/months and then i eventually drop it and move on, its jsut how my brain works for some reason LMFAO

i made some of my best art drawing him and i still follow him on twitter and stuff, i just am not interested in dream smp at all anymore i also am like. recovering from burnout because i produced so much art from 2020-2021 and i find it hard to draw full pieces of art now :p

TLDR; i dont draw quackity anymore and its not because i hate him, i just go through phases of liking stuff and my dsmp phase is up. i am also recovering from a year of art burnout since i drew so much during my dream smp phase

I didn't do anything the day before yesterday, yesterday and today. Well, I did a few things, of the likes to watching movies, putting away used cutlery and piano lessons. I practically stayed in bed the entire time. Gosh. Didn't practice piano today and didn't want to. At least my sleep pattern in getting better, thoughj I keep waking up at 4 or 6 am. I jsut don't want to go to uni tomorrow. Or anywhere. Gosh. I felt so stupod doing the assignment today, couldn't even do half of it. At least I did it. I should be proud of that. Somehow I ain't. I'm watching a german art/crafts stream rn. That's nice. It's nice. the streamer is cute and is talking about art burnout. I really don't want to go to uni. At least I can look forward towards maybe seeing G. He might be there and I can go see him in my break. I watched a moomin valley episode, it was great. It might have inspired me to do something ´,,,, but currently I don#t really have the energy to do something like that.

I have to find a better spot for my plushies. I suppose one could go in my bed, but I have so many and they can't keep on living on my chair. Bigger bed? Hmm not a bad idea. But I don't have that much space for my desk then. Bad idea. I'll figure something out. I feel so numb.

[parasocial bestie] I HAVE TO BE FRFRFR WITH U IT TAKES JUST AS MUCH PRACTISE. AS WRITING I THINK. altho with my current experience in Writing thats not walls of texts of Ramble and Self Indulgence i be thinking writers wud have it harder esp vocabulary.... like man how u words how do u get the pacing right YOU DID GOT IT SO RIGHT HAVE U ANY IDEA REREADING UR TWO SILLY FICS + VIOLENCE FIC STILL GETS ME IN TEARS or i am just that of a sucker to specific emotions in general SKDFJHSDKJFH LIKE IDKKKKK like holy facken shit it took u a decade and my first attempt at just Writing even 500 words it felt like forever...... turns out intense eyeballing on chunks of words in great fics do not work like i do to improve in art nods nods [takes notes] yes that is my only way of even Understanding how art works LMAO

"words of someone who would KILL to be able to accomplish this tone and such in So Many Fewer Words but who does Not Know How To Do That so ten hundred billion words it is" HAHRGKADFKSDJH I WONT STOP UUUU ALTHO ITS A BIG BEEG STRETCH I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT YEW WITH MY LITTOL ANON HANDS SHIELD U WITH MY COOL ANON SHADES....... in these cases u shud not stop someone from burnout by blocking da way u shud JOIN THEM AND PUSH ON TOGETER AND DAS A MOTTO

NO BUT THAT SILLY GENUINELY MAKES ME A LIL SILLY A LIL UEUEUEUEUEUE i didnt expect that extra comment like srsly cus like UHUHUHUHU IM GLAD U THINK THAT WAY and i honestly think its either a natural response to me or not cus me with my own circle of close friends we'd always support each other in ways it's on equal respect depending on what need to be treated like yknow?? altho by default we're all nice to the other its always a main thing not to let another person's slip ups slide, bad moments carry them away or get our egos inflate so hard so that sort of morals we had tgt kinda ingrained on me to treat any other person like dat like its normal... im nawt gonna lie to u i used to be Way more insensitive and impulsive before and our exchanges coulda been wildly different if it werent for my own besties and it helps me gather!! more besties out of my safe space!!! LIKE YEAHGHHHHAHHHH KDSJFHSDKJH AND IT GOT ME TO U!! AND I WANNA BE GENUINELY NICE AND SUPPORTIVE TO U WHEN I CAN EVEN BEHIND THESE LIL ANON SHADES!!!!!!!!!!! cus its always been. a normal human thing 2 do. like yknow. and i am not gonna keep contradicting myself when dats something id want to influence on my stories and silly lil brainrots too anyways i also got a lil silly but idc ilysm <333333333333333 AND U DESERVE ALL DA KINDNESS FROM ME AND ALL UR BESTIES TOO :muscle_arm: x2743573495 cus i am sending this ask thru pc sob

vocabulary 🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿 my bestest friend my worstest enemy im so srs it is Everything to me and also i cannot stand it. horrible. awful. beautiful. perfect.

YOU CANT JSUT TELL ME YOU RTEREAD THEM ILL FUKINGCCG EXPLODE OH MY GODFDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i need to write violence fic part 2 and maybe even a part 3 where its not the same little world and the violence is scaramouche himself hunting dottore down ohhhhh that'd be so lovely but also i dont think im good enough or creative enough with gore to do that thought justice im gonna be SO fr. YOU CANT JUST SAY THEY GET YOU IN TEARS I WILL FUKCVINFG EXPLOFDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dies. dies. dies. anyways. i will never forget being like 11 or 12 years old and roleplaying warriors cats on my kindle <- genuinely my introduction to writing for fun outside of just school stuff. i wrote for YEARS and then i all but stopped writing for Also Years to the point where i genuinely thought i just. couldnt do it anymore. gone. i barely managed anything no matter what i tried and i got sooo frustrated and also just didnt really enjoy it? but thats bc my mental health was fucking horrific and the better i started doing the more i started really writing who would've thought LMAO no bc like 2?? years ago ??????? id basically given up !!!!!!! and then there were a couple tiny fics and then photosynthesis and i was like oh. i Can still write and i Do still have so much fun with it. and now i am unstoppable amen

writing is weird bc reading fics CAN help but i think reading books helps better? and its this constant state of like. ive heard with art that tracing genuinely helps, ofc you cant claim it for your own or anything but there's that sort of muscle memory and learned proportions and the practice of doing the same thing over and over again i think is a good thing? i think ??????? and in writing you rly cant copy anyone word for word and get anything out of it, it doesnt teach you anything it doesnt get you any further there's no sort of muscle memory connected with it. but what ive done a lot is looked at writing i rly loved and been like. okay so if i wanted to do this how would i accomplish it? i cant guess other writers thought processes but i can figure out how id reach a similar end goal ig ?? and in my own writing if im failing to accomplish what i want its a matter of ok, what DO i want, what if i change pov, what if i change the setting, what if i change the circumstance, etc etc which i think you could probably do the same thing in art if smth felt off or wasnt looking right ?? maybe ??? idk at this point my writing is a massive patchwork quilt of countless other authors and fic writers and a surprising amount of my own experience and ive noticed a lot of repeating elements in my own writing whether fics or original content and i dont really know How i got here but here i am. and ON TOP OF THAT actually seeing fanart ALSO helps my writing because ill see an expression or design or setting or anything that i really love and immediately start thinking of how to describe it in words yknow ???

im literally rambling so much today this is so fucking awful. awful day for the pinkseas community or at least pinkseas herself god help me

JOIN THEM AND PUSH ON TOGETHER............ UR LITTLE ANON SHADES............................. crying shaking sobbing bawling ily so fucking bad :((((((((((((( /pos we r pushign forward Togehter...

my rly close friends and i are the same way its SO so so lovely, having that constant respect and support and helping each other grow and learn its soooo. dsfmgndfmgfd. and trust me i also used to be a lot more insensitive and impulsive than i am now but ive learned sm and my own friends have helped sm and !!!!! we are soooooooo handshake emoji rn 10 million handshakes for us

UR SENDING IT ON PC AND IM ANSWERING ON PC </33333333 no bc organizing my thoughts on my phone is the worst ever but on my pc i dont have a bunch of heart emojis to spam at my fingertips its so sad....... sometimes when i rly wanna include them ill save as a draft and just put the emojis in and post it on my phone LMAO

first post!!

This account is for posting my reworks of the show ‘Miraculous Ladybug’, keep in mind that I’m a 14 year old who still goes to school so I’m not a professional writer or something,, most of this account will be art along with some information about what I’m changing and why and also certain plot points I’ve reworked or changed.

The big twist here is that I’ve completely scrapped the ladybug miraculous itself! No more ladybug because it jsut didn’t rock with me,, I ended up changing it to the mouse miraculous, giving it mostly the same stuff as the original ladybug miraculous. I did this cuz I wanted it to parallel Cat Noir n stuff! She’s called MiraMouse now and I’ve also completely scrapped the skin suits and stuff. I wanted to go for a more European look considering that it’s France and the original skin suits were too kinda ‘Western’ for my tastes. I’ve incorporated this into all of my designs for the miraculous holders in France and I intend on making miraculous holders in different cities correlate with the culture of the country that the city is in. Also don’t ask why her hair is longer and in a rat tail with a white gradient.

I’ve also completely reworked Marinette herself! I wasn’t fond of the whole clumsy cutesy girl thing,, I felt as though the writers were trying to make the ‘perfect’ girl and it feels kinda creepy. Could just be me though, idk if anyone else shares this viewpoint. I decided that I’d make her more realistic I guess? I don’t know how else to describe it but she isn’t a stalker here!! Upon entering a new school year, Marinette finds that she’s suffering from burnout and extreme art block despite her large interest in the fashion industry (I drew some inspo from Kiki’s Delivery Service wheheheheh) However before she falls into a pit of tiredness procrastination she meets Tikki! So now she needs to get off her ass and save Paris like once a week! There’s a bunch more info on the art so just have a read through that.

I’m really bad at structuring tumblr posts I barely use this app so do forgive me

hello! I saw one of your previous asks and I was wondering if I could ask you for some writing help too! I have an autistic character that i love, but I'm not sure how to convey that this character is autistic in a way that feel aunthentic and organic instead of stereotyped, specially since she's a girl and I haven't seen many (accurate) representations of autistic girls in the media. I've seen videos about autistic people and they've been very helpful on what not to do, but + I would still love

to get some of the 'do's' what i have so far is that she has a Fixation on the sea, she has a hard time reading sarcasm and/or emotions in others, and she has an overall seemingly 'detached' personality (even if I wouldn't call her that, since she cares about the people she loves, she's just bad at putting it into words). I jsut want to make sure i'm on the right path! thank you so much for listening and I hope this is not a bother!

Hi Anon! I’m not bothered at all and I’m happy to answer this kind of ask. As always, I can only speak for myself, but I’ll try to give you a few pointers. (The previous ask mentioned is this one.)

First, it’s lovely to hear about an autistic girl! I’m not sure if you’re speaking about an adult or a child/teenager, but either way, it can be interesting to read about how autism can look a bit different in women. The gender distinction that has often been made is something I don’t agree with because I feel that it’s an unnecessary shortcut, but a number of autistic people, in majority women and people socially perceived as female, learn to “adapt” more to neurotypical standards by masking their autistic traits a lot, and might not be detected as autistic until adulthood. Masking takes a lot of energy, which can translate as feeling “socially exhausted” all the time and lead to burnout. This article list traits that can be found that are less common and obvious. It is far from perfect imo, but it can give you new ideas!

You didn’t really say if your character is a main or a side character (which changes the amount of detail you’ll want to go into) but so far to me you seem to be on the right track! Having a hard time reading people is something a lot of us struggle with. It might not just be sarcasm, btw, understanding metaphors and jokes can also be hard. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a sense of humor: it’s entirely possible to be able to use sarcasm and struggle with noticing it when it comes from other people, and a lot of autistic people have a very developed and specific sense of humor that can be seen as odd.

The “detached” personality is something you may have to handle with care because lack of empathy is a harmful stereotype. Maybe look up the difference between cognitive and affective empathy. Some of us do struggle with empathy, many of us struggle with expressing it in a way that’s comprehensible to neurotypicals, but it doesn’t mean that we lack it. It’s fine for your character to struggle with it, but be careful that she doesn’t end up seeming cold/robotic if she’s not the POV character.

Now for some “do’s”: I’m only going to talk about autistic traits here and assume that you’ve fleshed her out with an actual personality outside of her autism, just like you would any other character.

- I agree that it has to come up organically, but it would be a lot better in terms of representation to make her explicitly autistic, ie use the word autistic. It doesn’t have to be at the beginning of the story. If you’re in a fantasy setting or for some other reason you can’t use the actual word, then describing something like neurodiversity would be a good way to make it explicit. In fanfic, I personally think that tagging “autistic [character]” is enough if the fic is short(ish) and the word isn’t used in the story but the character’s autism is fairly clear, but in an original story, you don’t really have that possibility.

- Something I like to do when coming up with original autistic characters is to choose a few specific stims from them, that regularly come back in my descriptions. It falls under the same umbrella as choosing mannerisms, it gives characters their own specific flavor. You can choose a happy stim, a nervous stim and a bored stim, for example. Autistics stim a lot and in a lot of ways, but I think most of us have a few stims that come back often. It can be things like chewing on a toy/finger, flapping in a specific way, rocking on their heels, twirling hair, fidgeting with a toy or jewelry.

- Sensory differences. It’s also something that you can choose for your character: maybe she likes to listen to music very loudly, and often speak a little too loudly, or on the contrary she’s hyperacusic. She might wear sunglasses outside, or need lights on all the time. She might need subtitles to understand a movie, or be super distracted by sparkly things. She might not make eye contact, or make it too much, or seem to make it by looking somewhere close to the person’s eyes. She might find touch painful or difficult, or seek it constantly, or both (can depend on the moment, how tired she is, or if she trusts the person).

- Like I’ve said before, meltdowns/shutdowns are a delicate thing to portray if you’re not autistic yourself, but overloading can and does happen without going all the way to either of them. It’s actually fairly frequent, and happens when there is too much sensory (or emotional) stimuli at the same time or a too long day or something. From the inside, it can look like struggling to think, feeling like your skin is crawling, feeling like everything is too much, and struggling to initiate actions/figure out the steps to do something. From the outside, it can look like the person is rejecting touch, needs to isolate themself, is irritated, might struggle to speak/be very quiet. As long as the character isn’t mocked for their behavior, I think it’s something you can portray without too much risk.

- A specific interest about the sea is a nice idea! The sea is a very large subject, though, so she’ll probably have a predilection for some things. Is it water currents? Fish species? Underwater plants? Beaches? There’s a lot of options to choose from here.

- Maybe think about co-occuring conditions, because most of us have at least one. Some are very hard to distinguish from autism itself, like dyspraxia or ADHD, because they’re linked or similar to autistic traits. A lot of us are also disabled in some other way:  for example there’s a clear (though unexplained) link between autism and hyperflexibility, which can lead to joint pain, gut issues and chronic illnesses like EDS. Many of us have mental illnesses, growing up autistic in this world is honestly traumatizing and it’s hard to find autistics without some kind of C-PTSD or anxiety (on that subject, this post points out that the current diagnostic criteria can probably only diagnose traumatized autistic people anyway).

- A pretty good portrayal of an autistic girl (and to my knowledge the only one where the actor is also autistic) is Matilda in Everything’s Gonna be Okay. I didn’t actually watch until the end and I’ve been told the last episode isn’t great, but the start was pretty good. She’s a teenager, and at one point gets a girlfriend who is also autistic and has a service dog. In Elementary, while Sherlock is only autistic-coded, there is at one point (season 4 I believe) a recurring character named Fiona who I thought was a pretty good portrayal as well. She’s an adult, and she’s stereotypical in some ways but it’s better than most portrayals I’ve seen or read.

I would advise you to have a look through the blog @cripplecharacters. They answer asks about disabled characters, and I know they have answered a number of questions about autism and have at least one autistic mod. Their answers are usually very interesting!

For the matchups! Adding in a cut since it's so long :// (ignore my shitty spelling it's been a long day :((

I'm an neurodivergent introvert, and most people see me as an badass for some reason??? anyway. - i'm a huge science nerd and WILL infodrop when something just slightly get's my attention. - I'm very analytical and tend to just stand by on the sidelines rather than be the center of attention. I have moderate OCD as well as ADD and there's a procedure to the things I do that most people don't understand. -Once you get to know me however, im' very sarcastic and just a generally chill kind of person. (i Have gotten into many arguments with my friends over small topic but hey that's not related right heheh) As for my hobbies: I LOVE to draw/ animate and i'm working it :)) -I like to play video game in my free time, and if I have a lot of free time, well, hyperfixations on games is what I do best.

-I LOVE to listen to music, and when I need a break from the work i just, slip on a pair of headphones and jsut, disconnect from reality. -I own a lot of fidget toys, but i'm not really that animated. I just need things for my hands to do while sitting doing nothing. -I dislike anything regarding furries. I just don't get what people like about them. -I'm not a huge ticktoc fan either, or really any social media platform that has a lot of drama. (Instagram, ticktoc, twitter, those ones) I get startled by loud (unexpected) noises easily, but am a GOD at scaring the living shits out of people. -I DESPISE loud crunching noises because of my OCD, as well as people who are dicks and assholes to everybody, or targeting a specific group of people. Assholes I can handle, but jerks I draw the line at. -Deal breakers in a relationship, well, as long as i'm not being used as a tool, or people aren't lying straight to my face, i'm all good. (also no nitpicking i'm sorry but I hate it when people do that) - not really attracted to any specific's, not picky in any way - I'm good at analyzing situations mentally, but sometimes I just don't know what to say -I have absolutely NO filter on my brain either so some things get said that I didn't mean to say and things happen because of it. I have no control over this.

- I'm decent at navigating the internet, and have seen some things (thanks Wattpad for that Jesus x Shrek fic) - I can be a major asshole, weather just fooling around or on a bad day, most cases though, i'm just fooling around - On bad days I tend to snap at anything and anyone, so it's best to just leave me be - I have VERY loud and extroverted friends, and it's EXHAUSTING so I can go into an introverts burnout and jsut, lie on the floor - When in an hyperfixation, or just doing something for a long time, I forget to feed myself, drink water, or just forget i'm even ALIVE. Because of this, I can go into MAJOR burnout and have all mental functions just leave. - I have insomnia too, and sometime I don't fall asleep until past midnight, but when I do fall asleep, i'm out like a rock and have been known to mutter in my sleep. literally NOTHING can wake me up when i'm out. -My brain is constantly moving/ working, even if I don't say it, but I have thousands and thousands of headcannons moving through as well as au's for a few fandoms of mine. - I also bottle up my emotions (hey gang where u at :))) and that can also lead me to burnout as well. - all in all I think that's it have a dancing duck for your travels through the matchup's Rat's!!

Ok….. I think I have two guys that could work…

And the coin toss decided on………. PLUTO (outertale sans)!

Yes Pluto is our resident cute and shy boy but despite popular belief, he’s not that sensitive. Pluto is plenty capable of handling someone sarcastic and teasing and willow actually enjoy the attention a bit. He’s used to every one treating him like a child and will like being taken seriously for once.

Pluto is great for a brainy SO who likes to talk science! And it doesn’t matter what field, Pluto enjoys it! The only thing he doesn’t really enjoy debating is philosophy and politics. You’ll find that Pluto actually listens to your info dumps and is really fun to debate. And you don’t have to worry about any frustration or grudges on his part afterwards

Pluto is still an older brother. If he finds out you’re not drinking water again, he’s not above scolding you with his huge baby eyes. Nobody can resist the space eyes

Pluto is one of the funnest skeletons to jump scare. Jupiter does it all the time too lol. He’ll shriek and blush several different shades of blue and purple before basically demanding that you hug the fear away lol. Or he’ll float away. It’s random

So I heard you like fidget toys ;). I don’t know if that includes fluffy textures, but Pluto is always wearing a fuzzy hoodie. And he likes it when his SO has a hand on him, it makes him feel safe. He’ll be your fidget you any day

Your second pick would’ve been sans

Cbf cleaning any of these meow meows up properly but u get the point! I want the colors to be more vibrant … trying to stifle the ever present urge to saturate the shit out of every color palette. I’ll test it out but I might just go back to og refs color pallete cos that was already perfect

I’ve been trying to work with more muted colors especially design wise because that’s what the majority of my close ig art friends were into and like… I rly wanna impress but I really just do not know how to do it!!!! Its so hard cos they’re amazing designers and im just constantly envious which leads me to stressing out abt being inadequate and making a million scrapped designs that I end up too embarrassed to post lol.

I’m currently a lot happier w how my designs are turning out cos I can like experiment and design in a vacuum away from my previous art platform…. It’s literally just bc I’m insane bottle up everything till I stress coma burnout…. Like I rly was the problem 😜🙏🏻😱..,, but yeah I just needed time to like love art again. Plus I was feeling like extra trapped cos I felt like I couldn’t talk abt it cos all my idols/ art besties started following my spam acc and that was like… my diary … I told that btich everything truly it like fixed all my problems having something to complain to but i couldn’t anymore cos all the complaining was literlaly abt the people I was following LOL like i couldn’t be like omg I’m so emo cos my friend posted the hottest drawing I’ve ever seen in my life like…. Truly embarrassing. Plus I’m too embarrassed to confide in my other friends as well or just talk normally abt problems to get the weight off so I ended up distancing myself …. Its like literally Jsut bc I’m ashamed of everything I do liek that’s really is just the bottom line to all my problems. Hopefully I get over it cos I rly do just lose all my relationships cos I go insane every 3 months….. and then I feel too embarrassed to like ever talk to them again cos it’s like they prob forgot abt me lol nobody cares it wasn’t that deep… But also it’s just me completely being delusional cos all my last messages are like miss u….. and nobody’s ever actually said anything mean to me when I’ve remessaged them I just dbdbcbdhdbdhhdhd rly need to fix this abt myself uughhghfhghhgghfhb

finishing up this thomas hewitt one shot (and let me jsut say it’s god damned cute) and gonna start to work on this randy request!

gonna upload chapter 2 of redamancy tomorrow + the thomas fic, maybe something else with red but i’m not too sure :/

honestly kinda worried i’m gonna get burnout soon LMAO fingers crossed that doesn’t happen lol

It's hard to be afraid of something for so long, and I don't think apathy in the face of tragedy is inherantly evil. People die every day and it's terrible but human beings are not built to care about this stuff 24/7 and I think shaming people for not being heartbroken over every single death is just a way to create depression and burnout. It might help convinve antimaskers, but life for some also jsut has to retain some normality with added restrictions for safety otherwise you really go crazy.

That’s also very true and I’m sorry if it came off that way. I’ll admit right now, I don’t read every covid news story. I don’t know how many people died in my city today. I wouldn’t be able to handle it and my depression and anxiety are much better off without reading every little development about the virus. I know it’s there and I know the risks and dangers and it’s hard enough to focus on life with that always in the back of my head. I really respect the people who are doing good in the world as far as the virus goes and helping people. I don’t think it’s everyone’s burden as long as everyone does their little part (masks, distancing, common sense). I agree, and I think normalcy is so important, too and it’s really hard to find. I will admit too I’m a little envious of people who can go out and have normalcy--not the stupid, antimasking kind, but just...normalcy, but under the roof I live I just can’t do that and it gets claustrophobic. I get it more than many people do. Sorry if I came off as shaming people who actually take it seriously, I just see more people not taking it seriously and it drives me up a wall.

Dookie or American Idiot by green day

i’m glad someone was paying attention to my megaphone announcement earlier! i’m going to do both, because i’ll take any chance i get to go off about green day First, American Idiot! aka, my favorite album (and one of the best EVER) of all time: 1. Jesus of Suburbia (this is my favorite song in existence. i experience a minimum of 14 different emotions in these nine minutes. this song is like going on a journey; you are truly different from how you were at the start and in the exact way you need/want to be) 2. Homecoming (the best green day songs are a minimum of 8 minutes, and that’s a fact) 3. St. Jimmy (the opening of this song gets my heart GOING!) 4. American Idiot (i know it’s played to death, but it’s for a reason! and billie joe using his own sexuality to call out the homophobia in america? G O D” 5. Holiday (people sleep on this one a lot, specifically the lyrics, but i think this has some of the best on the album and for sure some of the most politically charged) 6. Whatsername (i love this as a closing track, it really ties together the story of jesus so well and relatable themes of growing up) 7. Are We the Waiting 8. She’s A Rebel 9. Letterbomb 10. Boulevard of Broken Dreams (probably controversial, i know. but bonus points for the transition from holiday into this because holy SHIT is that hands down the most satisfying transition of all time) 11. Give Me Novocaine 12. Extraordinary Girl 13. Wake Me Up When September Ends (i know this is a deeply personal song for billie, and i love that for him, but it just never hit as hard for me? and it’s obviously out of place narratively on the album, as it’s not apart of the story, which is a major reason i love this album so much) Dookie: 1. She (i’ve always loved this song, particularly how kind of slow and relaxed the verses are and then how the chorus just goes OFF? very good!) 2. When I Come Around (idk why, but this year alone, i’ve been vibing HARD with this song, whereas previously it was jsut a midtier for me? i really like it!) 3. Having a Blast 4. Basket Case (it’s iconic for a reason and is probably the song that embodies green day best) 5. Coming Clean 6. Welcome to Paradise (but lately, i’m getting a soft spot for the Kerplunk version? i’m not sure which i like better, but there’s something undeniably endearing about the Kerplunk one) 7. Burnout 8. Pulling Teeth 9. Chump 10. In the End 11. Sassafras Roots 12. Emenius Sleepus 13. F.O.D. 14. Longview (this one gets a little harder to love as i get older, mainly because some of the lyrics...i get it, we were in our early 20s when we wrote this) 15. All by Myself (see: longview explanation) //send me an album and I’ll rank the songs from my favorite to my least favorite :)

I had the worst imaginable day at work today, Ive never had a client threaten me so aggressively verbally and physically before, and coming home I realized something...I could gripe and I could whine about it which seems the pattern with coworkers lately, but what right would I then have to direct people to better mental health if I did? I’d be showing basically the same symptomology every patient presents. Or I could use this moment to reflect on myself. Why am I not looking to the postive? I tackled a fucking hard DBT exercise with a room ful of schizoeffective and depressed patients Id never done before. Im writing in a freaking elite research journal. Im securing a grant that will cover my thesis if not dissertation. A year ago these were mountains I was climbing. I jsut need to get better at focusing on the positives myself before i become nothing like the Minnie I know. Nothing like the person I knew had posittive regard for everyone, before I become part of the staggering statistic of burnout in mental healthcare professionals. 

What would you say is better about being a doctor compared to being a medical student (other than earning money!)? I was pleasantly surprised by how much i enjoyed my first clinical year - I like talking to patients, taking histories, our teaching sessions, and bookwork is usually fun too because I like the subject matter. But I worry that perhaps being a student is much more enjoyable than the actual job - minimal stress, responsibility, less exhaustion, probably more free time. (1/2)

I also worry that while I've had some good feedback from doctors this year and done well in my exams, I won't be able to hack it as a doctor. Are there lots of people who enjoy medical school but find the reality of being a doctor too much? (2/2)             

That’s a tough question. I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s money (though there have been shifts where the only positive factor seemed to be ‘well, at least you got paid for this’), because you don’t have to be a doctor to earn money. I know that’s not the intent of that sentence; you meant that compared to being a student where you work hard and don’t get paid, at least when you’re working, that’s one thing in its favour. And you’re right. But equally, if medicine is ever bringing you down, I want all of you to remember that if you’ve gotten yourself through medicine, you can earn a living also doing lots of other things if it doesn’t appeal. Working as a doctor is nice because you finally feel like you’re fully involved in the healthcare decisions. You get to make things happen. It feels like a dizzying responsibility at first, because you feel like it all hinges on you (and at times, it does). But you’re also not alone; the more senior I get, the more I look out for my juniors and try to make sure they aren’t left with cases they can’t handle. Yes, there’s more stress when you work, but a lot of the work is still... admin. Board rounds and TTOs. Drug charts and prescribing routine things. Even ward rounds; most of the decisions you’ll be making won’t be life or death in any sense of the word; most of what we do quickly becomes routine. So it’s not a constantly highly stressful life, though there is often just a lot to get done, and you’ll always feel like you’re behind on something. Which is actually pretty similar to med school, except your ability to prioritise and get stuff done has an effect on others, not just yourself.   The first clinical year is a big jump from lectures; my university did start some clinical exposure from day 1, whch I feel lessened that particular blow, but I know that for some friends who attended very traditional/split med schools with a clear pre-/clinical split, it felt like quite a jump. But it’s great that you enjoyed it, because the biggest strain is when people realised they like the theory of the body, but don’t actually like the role of doctoring. Some students realise this as soon as they start clinicals; it can happen anywhere, but anecdotally most people think it’s particularly likely at universities that emphasise research and theory for the first years, merely because they end up more likely to self-select candidates who are really more suited to being researchers than doctors. Which is fine; anyone should be free to leave medicine and do what they want with their knowledge, if doctoring isn’t for them. But I think it’s important for med school to try to slowly prepare you from early on. My first degree trained me to be a scientist, my second one trained me to be a doctor, and despite the science being similar, the two had to be very different. Sometimes people leave medicine after they start working; I think the reasons there are more complex. Some people realise that it was different from what they wanted it to be, from the minute they start. As you say, the theory can be different to the practice. Or perhaps they never wanted to be in medicine, tried to please their parents for years, and ultimately ended up pleasing themselves instead, doing what they actually want to do; in which case it’s really a happy decision for them. Not everyone enjoys med school, after all; some of those people end up loving medicine, others don’t. And sometimes people stay in medicine but are miserable in it; that’s not really better in the longterm. Some people just have other things they realise they’d much rather be doing. Maybe they don’t want to work nights any more. Maybe they just want time to spend with their loved ones; you jsut can’t conceptualise the reality of shift work and all the ‘eportfolio and progression stuff’ we have to do for work outside of work hours, like exams, until you’re there. Maybe they just want a simple job that pays and that they can leave at the door. Maybe they are tired of the emotional toll of the job, or maybe they are tired of the limitations of the system, and how unneccessarily stressful it makes things sometimes. Others just realise it’s more stressful and bad for their mental health than they thought; I’m not going to lie, it’s simultaneously less horrific and also tougher than I ever imagined, and I don’t know quite how to explain that statement except to say that life is just tough in general, and medicine is another superimposed layer of toughness on top of that. I can’t lie, it’s tiring. The reasons why people don’t get on in medicine are varied; I wouldn’t say that it’s always because medicine in theory was different, but the reality is pretty challenging even to us who knew what we were expecting. I wrote on my personal statement, and spoke in my interviews about the emotional and physical toll; about stress and burnout and shiftwork, and ever-studying, etc. I knew it’d wreck my social life and stress me out. I saw bits and bobs as a student. But it’s not the same as doing it. And even when you start, doing it for 6 months is not the same thing as doing it for 6 years; people sometimes just get tired of it. In reality, you just won’t know til you get there. So, arguably, there’s no point in worrying a lot about it now; you can’t predict how much you’ll enjoy a job before you’ve even started. Particularly if you’re enjoying it now, it would be a shame to mar that experience by worrying about how much you’ll enjoy it in 10 years time! What matters right now is that you’re doing well and enjoying it, which is about the best as it gets! So try to take things one step at a time, and see what happens. Part of managing my own anxieties about the ever-escalating Bigness and Seriousness of medicine was my slowly learning to accept that I can’t worry about all the problems well in advance of them, well, actually being a problem. Because when you do, it becomes really overwhelming and looks impossible. I just have to trust that wherever I end up in 10 years, future-me will be able to deal with that, and make the best decisions for herself based on what’s going on then. And that’s probably what got me through med school, so I’m passing it on to you. Future-you will figure things out when you get there; trust that you’ll do what’s right for you at the time. Good luck, and hope you enjoy the rest of med school :)

reactions to Haikyuu season 4 “To the Top” ep1-5

6:18 PM 3/9/2020 HAIKYU‼ TO THE TOP Episode 1 – Introductions I was reluctant to watch this right now, because this series was a big deal to me, and I just wanted to watch something light, that I didn't have to pay attention to, while i eat...  But my watchlists are outdated and I had been meaning to watch this FOR A WHILE NOW.  Whenever I watch something intense or important to me, I feel like I have to set aside all this time and focus, and carefully document every reaction I have, so I can look back at my fandom in later years for this precious milestone of nostalgia,...  Bu treally, it's just making me postpone a series that I love.  I can't keep doing that.   Acchan.  New side character, huh?   I'm so glad to hear Burnout Syndromes again.  In Haikyuu.  They were great in Dr. Stone.   I'll admit, I wasn't looking forward to season 4 when I found out the director changed and they changed the character designs to more closely emulate the manga-ka.  Because...I actually preferred the anime character designs from season 1-3..!  I have a habit of this.  Atsuko Nakajima's anime character designs for Get Backers were better than the manga-ka.  I preferred Sengoku Basara's anime character designer, over the original videogames' designs...  It's just a thing with me.  Please don't kill me.   I'm so glad Yachi Hitoka's poster turned out so cool!  *o* I like how this series can relax intos ridiculousness like making a big deal out of measuring their heights.  lol "I order you to shrink, Tsukishima!"  Tanaka...!  LOL   I missed your sudden outbursts after your sudden coolenss, Noya-san! I love how this once scene at the end of season 3 is being stretched out to have so much weight.  ^-^   So many handstands, Noya-san.  lol Yup, Tsukishima.  Everyone reviewing season 3 kept saying Tsukishima really shined.  Also, Ukai said at the end of the match that Tsukishima was the MVP.   Evil Kageyama grin! LOL  I was going to enjoy the humor in it, but then that somber music kicked in.  o_o So they're still having practice matches against other schools in that montage? Oh no...Kageyama can't read all the kanji??  lol Waiat a sec.  Shiratorizawa, Aoba Josai, Date-tech...?  Oh, it's the first year special camp. Cute!  They finally brought the little chibi crows into the anime!  ^o^  Good idea to use them for the commerical break bumpers.   LOL  Tsukishima is suddenly filling in Kageyama's "yelling 'BAKA!' at Hinata" role1  LOL Well, I do want to see all these different schools students interact with Hinata in training camp settings.   I like that NOya is praising Hinata's crazy infiltration.  ^^; OMG  Takeda-sensei angry...!  O~O! Bowed right into the desk!  LOL Well, I guess if the host school's coach says it's ok, then Hinata is ok to hang around?? "Wakatoshi-kun"?  Why "-kun"?  Are they rivals?  Friends?   Well, that got me fired up. Nothing without Kageyama?  Don't make me laugh.  This is what I was excited about the different school mixing interactions for. I want to see Hinata meet this challenge.  Actually, this reminds me of Shokugeki No Soma when Tadokoro Megumi was just relegated to washing dishes during the stagiaire, but even from that position, she could make valuable observations and give invaluable input.  I suspect that even if Hinata is technically just the "ball boy", he'll learn an amazing amount.  And frankly, if he jumps to retrieve the balls, especially with his running speed, that'll probably hype up the players to want to challenge him.   But I've actually wanted to see Hinata work with Oikawa, and see how Oikawa would use Hinata's athleticism.   Sounds like an important thesis statement.  "Skills and talents arne't meant ot be had.  They're meant to be shown."   I love how proud Hinata is, even of being ball boy, like he's unfettered by doubts. 7:03 PM 3/9/2020 End of ep.  I can relax.  Maybe I should re-watch without taking reaction notes? ===================================================================== 7:05 PM 3/9/2020 HAIKYU‼ TO THE TOP Episode 2 – Lost I really dislike all this talk of just praising how tall all the players are.  All the one's the dialogue has picked out so far, are the ones with the least skill.  There are already impressive players, who just aren't as tall. Are these coaches in the back from the other schools. I like that one of them is saying it's be a waste to ignore Hinata because he's short and not turn him into a wing spiker. I love how Hinata is just staring and absorbing everything.   Oh, yeah.  Hinata's serves are the thing he needs to work on the most.   I like how Hinata hitting the ball against the wall by himself calls back to when he had to practice by himself all during jr. high.   I'm pretty sure Hinata is apologizing because he's going to ask Tsukishima to practice with him.  That's the type of audacious, crazy thing I'd expect from Hinata.  lol Chubby bird!  ^o^ Glad it seems like Ukai understand there's something Hinata can learn even from being a ball boy. Is thatt the vice principal?  He's afraid of angry-Takeda-sensei too???  LOL!!! I love how instead of getting angry, Hinata is just impressed by everyone.  Even when Goshiki clearly tried to insult him by stealing the ball before Hinta.   This is strange.  Why is Hinata shaken by Ushijima asking why he's even there?  I thought Hinata already figured out he could get good practice, even as just the ball boy, and even just by observing?   Well, he "fell"?  And then Goshiki walks by...~.~;;;;;   That's the Hinata focused face! 7:41 PM 3/9/2020 Aw, man!  I want to keep watching!  Noooooooooo~!  I have stuff to doooooooooo!  ;o;!! What else is Production I.G. animating this season?  Because this ending theme is almost ALL stills, like they had no budget for it.  Whereas, most of the ending themes for the other seasons were animated.  Maybe they realized how much better the episodes are when they pour the money from the ending theme budget, into the episodes instead? Forgot to note i lvoe the joke about NOya crashing into Tanaka. lol ======================================================== 7:43 PM 3/9/2020 HAIKYU‼ TO THE TOP Episode 3 – Perspective Go get that Growth, Hinata!  Evne if you have to scrape on your hands and knees!  ...Oh, now I get the first image in the new opening theme.   Hey, if I have to rewind to read a subtitle that got interrupted by the commercial break, and it crashes again, I'm going to start to get annoyed that the commercial breaks keep coming in the middle of dialogue.   HINATA!  ---Oh!  He caught it!  ^O^   OMG LOL  Does Goshiki really not know how to deal with Hinata's compliments?!  LOL!!!!  Oh, I see...He's starved for compliments at Shiratorizawa...  LOL   Commercial.  So of course I browse Tumblr.  I forgot how little I'm on social media, while I'm engrossed in an anime.  I need to watch more of my watchlist.   I lvoe that this show has gone on long enough for little callbacks to mean a lot.  6-6 Almost didn't recognize Tanaka's body language.  He's almost never jsut standing straight.   Oh, right!  Tokonami is where Daichi's old friend plays now. FINALLY.  A solidly rendered close-up.  Hinata's face.  I know they changed character designs this season and it does seem to be more flexible to accomodate more motion and expressiveness in the animation...But it's just not as cool as these soldily rendered shots, that used to be almost all the fames in seasons 1-3.   OMG  Is Kageyama keeping up with the All-Japan group??  I thought I saw a spoiler from this part a long time ago, and he was having trouble keeping up?  I'd like it if he was keeping up though. I do like how eveyrone's afraid of Hinata. His intensity.  ^o^ Oh no...  Damn.  Distracted by a compliment/comraderie somehow makes getitng hit in the balls worse... "I keep telling you to keep your damn eyes open"?  Wait...Is the Shiratorizawa coach starting to *coach* Hinata now??? 8:29 PM 3/9/2020 Damn it.  I want to see (if) Tsukishima actually ask Hinata to practice with him.  I can't keep watching the NEXT episode!  I have stuff to do!! ================================================= 8:31 PM 3/9/2020 HAIKYU‼ TO THE TOP Episode 4 – Take It Easy I feel like this part is where the editor of the manga came in and was like, "We can't go this many chapters without Hinata actually playing".  lol   Oh, so Sakusa isn't sick.  He's just a germaphobe.   I like how oblivious Kageyama is to normal  human interaction.  ^-^  That's relatable to me. I love that Date-tech's freshman is being all genki in the same frame as Hinata.  Double genki!!!  ^O^ They all want to block Hinata?  I think this is what I wanted to see, when Hinata crashed the training camp, but I forgot about when he got into training as ball boy. So Hinata is the best practice you could get vs a spiker because he can read blockers better than anyone else? I'm glad Kageyama is having a good time.  He doesn't intimidated; he gets excited. Omg  This kid *wants* Kageyama to get intimidated?  Ladies and gentlemen, we have our running gag comedy relief. Commercial.  I should probably watch In/Specter.  I used to always say I like yokai series.  ...Do I really?  Maybe it was just that some manga I used to read had all these tropes I liked attached to yokai.  Anime goes in so many different directions, you can't expect the same. So this Miya guy is finally being the antagonist they've been hinting at.  "Goody 2 shoes"? I like we're getting scenes of Hinata and Koganegawa talking.  They have similar wavelengths.   "The heck are you talking about?!  I"m chewing him out!"  "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're cheering him up."  lol   "What good does it do you to cheer me up?"  "Lots! I mean...  I wanna beat you."  I love how encouraging and warm Hinata's face is.  But why is everyone else so angry looking?  They don't want Hyakuzawa to get strong and have to face him or something? ^^; This is the 3rd time there's been a longer monologue and I don't quite understand it.  What's happening to my braiiiiiiiiin????????????????????????  I really hope there's just a better translation that makes more sense to how I udnerstand things. Oh, this is Kunimi's technique, right?  Hinata taught Hyakuzawa, Kunimi's pacing control?  ...Yeah, it's Kunimi's technique.  Hinata is soo nice!!!!!  ^-^ Hinta is the best cheerleader! ;U;  And coaching better than Washijo! ^o^  Give Hinata all the high fives!  ;U; Wait.  Why is Koganegawa watching from the sidelines too?  Doesn't he have to play in a 2 vs 2?  lol   Oh, no.  What's with Kageyama.  Well, I'm actually not as intrigued with what's going on with Kageyama, compared to how much I want to see more of Hinata having an effect in his training camp.  I guess if I could stop marathoning anywhere, it'd be here.   9:09 PM 3/9/2020

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. 12:22 PM 3/10/2020 HAIKYU‼ TO THE TOP Episode 5 – Hunger Yeah, what's up with Kageyama?  Is there some other translation of Goody 2 Shoes that actually sounds more insulting?  Or is that just foreshadowing somethign we're not supposed to understand yet until a flashback explains things? So is everyone watching Kunimi on the sidelines now?  lol omg Did those oysters give him food poisoning, after all?  Yuck... I wonder if it's asking too much to hope Hinata ends up in this practice match? Koganegawa pestering Kunimi...lol Poor Goshiki...Doesn't he know he's in a series all about learning from and even collaborating with your rival?  ^^; I'm so glad Sugawara taught Kageyama how to high five!  ;u;  He'd be totally lost right now without it!  ;u;   "Taking your time" to enjoy stuff, huh?  Advice of the episode, I guess.  Or this whole training camp story arc? I was wondering why Miya Atsumu portrayals were getting all this horror genre framing, but it's because he's a reflection of Kageyama's old "King of the Court", right?  "Anyone who can't hit my tosses just sucks."   And wait.  Miya is voiced by Mamoru Miyano???  *_* Yeah, what DOES he mean by "Goody 2 Shoes"??? "Serious, honest, and an all around good kid"?  But why such comments getting this ominous direction?????  @~@??????????  Foreboding!!!!!!! I'm so glad Kageyama 1:07 PM 3/10/2020is such an oblivious, blank slate that he doesn't have any malicious reactions to anyone weirdness.   "But fighting is normal.  Not being able to back down and fighting is totally normal."  Hiiiiiiinataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!!!  ;u;  Making people feel better without realizing how profound his words are!  ;U; What?  No crow flying by? Please don't eat those oysters... Race upstairs? Looks like.  lol  These guys are so funny!  ^o^  I know the shippers like to take KageHina's interactions as couple flirtations, but I always thought they annoyed each other too much. (That's just my personal preferences.) Funny comrades though.  ^-^   "You can fly even higher."   1:07 PM 3/10/2020