People be like "Wow you're so self aware" like hunny I AM myself? What the fuck else am I supposed to be aware of?

I think the hardest thing in writing for me sometimes is the like “show don’t tell/let people communicate through subtext/Normal People don’t just walk around openly explaining their motivations for everything That’s Unnatural” thing because like.. I literally DO walk around openly explaining my motivations for everything, that is how I talk, I am an analytical detail oriented over-communicator who explains everything as thoroughly as possible and and will give a fully detailed 2 minute long answer to something simple like “how are you doing today?” .. like it’s hard to make things sound Natural and Normal when you yourself are inherently unnatural and abnormal in your methods of communication to an extent lol

Long Ramble about CCCC and my overall feelings on what the album means and such

Something I find important about CCCC is like.

The fact that all three of them are, in some way, trying.

Heart is emotion, he is prone to himself and being reactionary, in the moment. Prone to the past of learned behavior and trauma. Reactive and rapidly changing. He isn't going to make pure sense because he isn't based in logic or in societal ideals or views. He is an instinctual response to the environment and circumstances. His manipulation is not intentional. He has very little control of himself in the end. Its why Mind talks about claiming to relish entropy yet clearly needing help. But, Heart in earnest wants them to be okay and safe. He believes that Mind's control will drain the life from them. It will make things monotonous and the same. Too much order.

Mind in turn, believes Heart is manipulative with intention. He wants to control Soul or wants to just drag them all down with him into this depressive state. Mind is logic, he is the reasoning out of your emotional instinct. Your inner critique, and when unchecked, that inner critique goes from a guiding hand for your emotion to one that debates and bullies it. Invalidating its responses. Ultimately, though. Mind just believes he is helping. He is doing what must be done and telling the "hard truths" to Heart. And that Heart is being the petty child. Which- I mean. Sort of sure. But Mind is definitely fucking petty and childish. He's stubborn! Prideful! So ofc he is. Admitting you're wrong? No.. why would he EVER do that.. nuh uh.

Which is what makes Light so crucial. Mind asking Heart for help- but also. There is Soul.

Who while ambiguous in purpose, is mostly that background voice. Your inner narration. If Mind is Logic and Reason then Heart is Emotion and Instinct,, Soul is all that lives between it. And he is constantly silenced or spoken over or around. He does not get a word in edgewise until TSE. He may show up in the background occasionally but as much as Heart and Mind claim to want to keep him alive and help him, they also fail to actually acknowledge what he says.

Which is that they both are right and wrong. That this fighting is doing directly what they both feared it would. Soul is desperate by the end. He is angry and resentful because.. well. Self hatred due to intense self awareness and reflection is rather ig. Common. Im not a professional here but from personal experience, you get so tired of rehashing the same shit with yourself over and over. It all feels pointless.

The only out, by the end of it all to Soul is that if they cannot be Whole, whats the point? He is desperate. He does not want to die but he feels theres no other solution.

And. About Whole, Soul throughout the album seems to want that. At the beginning, to be Whole or Harmonious is to be mentally healthy, maybe even "normal" by society's standards. To be able to put a mask over your problems and be, again, "normal". It takes the entire album for Soul to realize that this:

1. isnt possible

And

2. There isn't anything evil or wrong with him for that.

Mental health is a struggle. But you are not evil and should not be othered because you struggle. You also do not need to be fixed for being a little different and people's opinion of you is not what matters most so long as you are happy (and not hurting others. Lol).

Thats what Two Wuv is entirely about as a song. Its a "fuck you. Fuck this! I thought I needed to be this! But I DON'T. Stop telling me who I am! How to be! I'm gonna be me!"

His entire arc is parallel to Heart and Mind's and is crucial in the culmination of becoming yourself again and accepting yourself.

But, as mental health will always be, this period of respite and self acceptance is not always forever. And as life continues or as you lapse back into a depressive episode.. you cannot help but forget what it is like when you're not this way- and hell! Vice versa too! Some people have this disconnect between the periods. Where the things from the depressive state seem dramatic or obtuse to you while you are doing better. And from the other end, you just want to be happy again.. but you get so lost in it all you can struggle to feel like you've ever been happy.

The album is about the human experience. It is about self-sabotage, mental illness, self-hatred and reflection and it is, maybe more importantly about self-acceptance and healing. Having a bit of mercy on yourself. Accepting that you are imperfect and that this is okay. And whatever flaws you may have that need to be mended or worked on, can be. And that who you are, for example, if you are queer, is okay. And no one has the right to take that identity from you! That the internalized ideas of how someone should be are not always correct or right. Not for you, at least. Stuff like that.

Sooo.... Below the read break is kinda my autism journey? Well masking journey probably. I did this both for myself, and for any other people out there who are looking for stories of other people and their experiences. And also a bit for the picrewcule bc ive posted some stuff about struggling with friendships recently and yeah..... :)

I was always the weird one in primary school... I was bullied in my first school, maybe a combination of autism and faith? But it led me to have to move schools... In my second primary school, people didnt bully me as overtly, but they would run away from me if I went near them and they called me unpleasant things. I was asked why I was weird quite a few times and my answer was that i had learnt how to interact in a normal way at my previous school, and now i am here and I dont know again... Which looking back was very self aware if me, but also very autistic of me....

I did find friends at that school, but they were so toxic and oftentimes mean that it would probably have been better for me to not have made friends at all....

Every time i went back after a half term, i would cry and plead with myself to just try to be normal. Theyll like me if im normal, they wont run away from me in the playground saying ive got the cheese touch. But each time I failed to make myself normal.

UNTIL!! i started high school. The mask fell into place in year 7. And it worked! No one was mean to me, infact I even found a few nice friends! But every time the mask dropped slightly accidentally i would feel so so bad inside, like i had done the worst thing ever and i had messed up forever.

Then year 8 came along. And masking all the time took its toll. I was crying every day needing to go to the library. I forgot what it was like to feel happy. I was so so tired and so so sad. I forgot who I was. Family friends were asking my parents if I was okay because i seemed so different and sad. And I would say im fine, because my life was fine. I had family who loved me, a school that I enjoyed, and friends who cared for me. I had no reason to be depressed.

Aannd then lock down happend. And that possibly maybe saved my life. I wasnt at that point yet, but I think I was on that trajectory. I found myself again in lockdown! Thats the short of it! Yay!

Then school started up again and i masked again, and i started going downhill again. Fast forward to yr11 when I was missing so many lessons because of anxiety/overstimulatiin.... And people noticed this time and I got therapy! Halfway through therapy me and my therapist seperately came to the conclusion that I was probably autistic. And everything made sense.

I started to lower the mask and almost immediately lots of my anxiety ceased. I started to learn who I was again, and I felt so much happier. And now? Im in a new school without anyone I know and ive dropped the mask almost entirely.

First weeks are always hard for me. I was expecting to need to miss almost every lesson this week and to be crying constantly. Ive gone to every lesson and this week has been about as bad as a normal week at my old school. I have support now.

Masking really took its toll and I am so glad Im in a position that I dont need to anymore. I dont want to end up back where i was in year 8, or yr 11. But it does mean its harder to find friends.... But as you have said, its better to have friends who know the real me and who like the real me than friends who like a mask.

decembers always a bad time for me but my god is there SO MUCH going on in the world rn

yes theres an active invasion, ten concurrent genocides (FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE),

but we also have rapidly snowballing socio-cultural degeneration in the west.

teens today are so socially vile compared to ten, fifteen years ago theyve started traumatizing their teachers at staggering rates, and this is definitely a product of en masse generational trauma as well as the contemporary atmosphere of capitalism-driven social media, but also accidentally because of radical socio-cultural evolutionary growing pains as we learn not to throw the baby (general manners) out with the bathwater (opressive systems and unfair power dynamics).

recognition of disabilities and other societal disadvantages has climbed so high that the "normal" people now act like asking for any kind of equality, amendments, reparations or accessibility is some kind of unfair demand from someone with power over them instead of a plea from someone who needs help, which is a beautifully hypocritical display of the normalization of socio-cultural power dynamics.

misinformation and propaganda are so widespread and radicalized purely under the machinations of capitalism and the patriarchy that not even just regular jane and joes are spouting absolute horseshit on a daily basis, but ACTUAL PROFESSIONALS are falling victim to the lies about their OWN FIELDS OF EXPERTISE.

the size and shape of populations in modern communities is SO far removed from how humans are designed to live, that we are ALL now not only aware of, but involved with, affairs that we are not designed to compute with our meat brains , and thats BEFORE you before you take into account the crosspollination from the reach of the internet, giving us access to dozens of other countries outside our own to be concerned about, which has created this hellish extension of our natural social homeostatic mechanisms called "compassion fatigue" where our brain begs us to take breaks from HEARING ABOUT GENOCIDES IN OTHER COUNTRIES.

and dont get me started on the recent trend of people abusing mental health language to just fuck with other people. people dodging normal ass confrontations by saying they "cant mentally handle this" or cutting off friends with no explanation because theyve misunderstood the proper applications of therapeutic self-governance. going cold turkey no contact is fine if its an abuser, not your friend who mentioned they liked a new anime. radically self-elevating behaviour is meant to be for people who struggle with self esteem or abuse aftereffects so they can learn to apply it on a more frequent basis at a regular level starting from a deficiency, NOT for people who just refuse to consider another persons value when deciding how to act around them.

its MADDENING, it truly is. how i have just watched the world devolve further and further into this delirious shitstorm of lies and misdirected belief, for my whole life (born a couple years before 9/11, pointedly) but ESPECIALLY in the last like 5 years. what the fuck. what the ACTUAL fuck

this is ok to reblog and discuss on. but if you take nothing away from this, at least take FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE

i wonder how exactly do people manage to get diagnosis? i'm suspecting i might have high-functioning depression, because in the past month all i do is sleep and eat and not shower for... days. i only shower when i feel very greasy. changing into proper clothes feels like a bother, so i never went out to get food, and rely on online delivery instead. seeing how much money i wasted bc i get deliveries instead of walking to food stalls is kinda alarming, but i'm aware that the other alternative is me not even eating at all. i only go to my campus like... 3x a week? i can manage to appear normal and feel a bit normal when with my friends, but my thesis is also pretty stressful. idk what i'm trying to convey but basically at campus i appear normal (except maybe my slow progress at thesis), but when i'm back at my dorms i become this... very passive person.

i'm seeing a therapist, mainly bc back when my thesis first started, i got so overwhelmed i had passive suicidal thoughts. but i find myself not being able to be honest abt the extent of my struggles. i'm very embarrassed to admit that i've been having difficulty with hygiene. my therapist gives off a mom vibe, so i think i'm scared to be judged for my lack of hygiene... not showering for days, not even changing my clothes or underwear, not brushing my teeth, not cleaning my living space and letting ants surround leftover food... so i always made myself presentable during session. idk, seeing as the session is in-person, i dont think she'd take it well if she know someone who didnt bathe for days entered her clean room. but me pretending that everything is okay makes her think im just having normal thesis struggles, which sucks. but im also scared to be honest abt my hygiene issues.

another thing is my social anxiety. its actually so bad that i cant go out of my dorm room without making sure there arent anyone outside. im not acquainted with anyone in the dorm, i dont even know their names or how they look. but im also scared to tell my therapist abt this??? im scared she will tell me to make friends to overcome my anxiety??? which is scary??? i feel self conscious bc what if someone has been paying attention to how i barely ever leave my room or that they never hear any showering sounds from me??? idk its scary. im pretty sure i have social anxiety, but my therapist has managed to make me open up and im not super quiet during sessions and can behave mostly like myself so i unconsciously put on a mask that always makes me be in denial abt my issues (in this case, pretending i have proper social skills, instead of admittinh i shrivel in fear when put in new social situations)

my thesis is also very much in bad state but instead of telling my therapist that my advisor thinks i havent been taking the thesis seriously (which hurts, bc i do worry abt its progress, even if it looks like im not making proper progress), i tell her that my worries arent proportional to the reality (bc my catastrophizing mind thought i would need to redo everything, while the reality is i only got told to make changes).

tldr im scared to be honest to my therapist bc of internalized shame and all that, even tho thats the reason i decided to pursue therapy? but also its scaryyy. esp the hygiene part. ppl around me are the clean types who hates messy stuff so i think it exacerbates the shame. esp bc i dont just have a messy room, but also havent been showering for days

Hi anon,

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. Please know you're not alone. I admit that I also struggle with hygiene in a very similar way as well as consistently eating takeout, and I have diagnosed depression. It sounds like you have some big and intimidating responsibilities right now, and that's perhaps feeding into your depressive symptoms. You feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, and lost.

I understand the resistance to open up to your therapist about things that you have internalized shame about. Please just know that one of the main purposes of a therapist is to not make you feel judged or ridiculed, and any therapist who does do this doesn't deserve their position because it's damaging to a client. That is the last thing you need right now.

I can definitely relate to feeling judged by your therapist solely out of internalized shame alone and not any sort of cues on their end. In my experience, every time I did decide to open up about the thing I was ashamed about, it always ended up going much better than I anticipated. That being said, if you are picking up on cues from your therapist that makes you feel like she would judge you for opening up about this, then this therapist may not be a good fit for you. You deserve a therapist that doesn't make you feel judged.

I recognize that it can be an intimidating hurdle to decide to talk about these uncomfortable subjects with your therapist. But please consider that once you do choose to talk about it, your therapist can give you tools and direction to figure out how to manage both your depression and your social anxiety. Ultimately, it's important to take your time with this - don't feel pressured necessarily into opening up to your therapist, do so when you feel ready, but just consider the fact that you deserve help.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

i can start going crazy about how i personally didnt like dark knight and how my dislike for its themes and the way it handles it rubbed me wrong not necessarily because i think its written bad but that its just written under very specific circumstances requiring you to be a very specific person with a specific outlook and if you cant suspend to those needs for a second the entire story feels like youre getting words put into your mouth and expected to just walk along and nod to everything going on. instead of actually feeling part of the story. and how a lot of it just requests you not have a hand in it and just bakseat it like an out of body experience. and also ignoring some rather glaring faults to its own arguments but mostly i think i dont like it because im bipolar but explaining that is going to take a thesis length and also ive already had the conversation about its use of anger with a fellow #anger managerment issues bestie but all i can say is dark knight would be Even Better if you read it as a manic depressive episode where the struggling mind on a bender is imagining dead people as actually alive and engaging in persecution of the warrior of light because of their involvement or lack therefore of their death thats from their brain mentally projecting schemas and struggles into an ultimate self-inflicted harm. and the bipolars mind at war with itself and its own emotions and how it feels to lose control and both be so self aware while also feel like you dont know yourself. you ever seen next to normal

hey there, cosmica, how you doin? hope you’re fine. i just wanna drop by and say smt. anyways, this is dally speaking here, pardon for the anon, im a bit uncomfortable bringing up this topic.

i know you mean well, and i know you like my purgatory mode series, and even drew fanart of it, which i appreciate.

but im truly sorry having to go here and telling you that- but i really would like if you could uh- you know, stop associating your god purgy with my series. if that even makes sense. (sorry, english isnt my first language)

again, im really sorry having to burst bubbles. i do appreciate your design on the player, i really do.

but….i think it would be better if you would make her your own player, rather than associating her with my stories, even if you’re inspired by it.

i know you’re changing her backstories and all, but would it be okay if you could also change her name too? perhaps its too much, but i think purgy would pass off as another kind of player rather than just being stuck in purgatory mode series because you got inspired by it. (im sorry if i sound like im bargaining)

i have my personal reasons on why im doing this, and i dont normally do this tbh. its not that because i have a dislike on the god readers troupe, i actually quite enjoy them. ive written some stuff there that are based on my life, and also doing the series as a coping mechanism, as well as other stuff contributing to it.

i know god players are kinda popular here, but i truly dont want my series to be apart of this until im comfortable enough to allow it, or until i write far enough in the pm au to give the ok. even if its your version of purgatory player.

like i said, i appreciate and love your design on purgatory player, but i feel like this is just going too far in the god players au.

i think your purgy can be better off being her own player rather than just a player in purgatory mode au.

as much as i want to allow you to keep her name, im afraid i have to ask you to stop. purgatory mode is more than just another au of saltys self aware au to me, since i kinda add snippets of my struggles here and there- like telling two sides of a story if you squint your eyes really hard.

i really dont want this to be another incident i had to suffer last year. so thats why im here, before things get worse.

if you’re struggling about naming her, i’d be happy to help. just drop by in my inbox anytime even doe it’ll take a long time for me to reply ^^ (dont dm me doe, i get socially awkward in the dms and also uncomfortable)

again, im sorry to come here and ruin your party. i didnt mean it to happen.

-dallyfae

I understand and it's perfectly okay to explain your reasoning and set boundaries.

I've been actually trying to abide by your wishes, as I've been searching through the tags to edit the God!Player stuff and remove your tags from them and even made a post addressing how you felt about it and how I was trying to remedy it, since you desire to not be associated with the God!Players AU. I've even been trying to rename Purgy. I still like the name, but I think it would be fitting to change it. But people already associate the name with my design, so there's going to be some difficulties altering it. I've also been trying to change her backstory to instead become the god of grunt reincarnation rather than purgatory, just to further separate the AU and end most similarities. It's just a habit that I keep calling her Purgy, and she is also now considered an original character to me. As well as making them different and set purely into the God!Player AU, Purgy won't have connections to Purgatory AU anymore. I'll be trying my best to cut the ties and change up the character. So no hard feelings. : )

Something that bothers me about getting diagnosed with bpd is how everyone leaves.

So many people post toxic ill-informed options about people with bpd without ever taking a second to understand.

They call us demons, evil, manipulators when statistically we are MORE likely to be manipulated and gaslit because of our emotions and never having a sense of self.

The shame and guilt we feel is CRUSHING for every action we do and people use that to break us down into taking their emotional and mental abuse because we feel either we deserve it or we idolize our partner and are unable to see the problems.

Because our emotions can flip in seconds multiple times a day people call us dramatic. They don't understand why we ask if they hate us or if we are awful multiple times because they don't know what its like to have these intense mood swings and the guilt and abandonment issues that PHYSICALLY hurt.

So we are seen as manipulative because of emotions they don't understand. Yes some people can act out on their rage if they aren't constantly aware of their emotions.

Just because we break down and cry over something you consider meaningless doesn't mean our emotions aren't valid. Doesn't mean we are just overreacting we are in actual distress. We genuinely feel that extreme of an emotion and when people start slapping labels such as overreacting and being childish or too emotional or even manipulative because of those emotions it makes everyone 100x worse.

When you invalidate someone with bpd you make us feel broken. Personally the shame and guilt after splitting even if I internalize it and don't act out towards anyone is so strong all I want to do is self harm. I feel I deserve it because of these intense emotions I know I shouldn't feel over something small.

The truth is we get gaslit so easily because we have no emotional permanence. So we feel one feeling say extremely depressed thats all it is thats all its ever been then within seconds multiple times a day we switch to a new feeling or just out right numb.

I just wish people realized we aren't a demon we are struggling daily with this mental illness that is literally a huge part of your life no matter the therapy and medication yes they help sooooo much by helping you recognize triggers and helping talk yourself through the emotions to handle your episodes but we still feel them. Its logically arguing against something illogical as emotions constantly.

Questioning who you are because most have no sense of self or a personality

We pick up pieces from people that are close we mirror those around us because personally I genuinely don't know a thing.

Everything is empty and pointless

But if my partner enjoys something I normally see their prospective and blend with their personality and enjoy it too.

Yes I have a few likes. Xbox femdom and romantic movies. Thats it I literally don't give a shit about anything else. Idk what I like myself to look like because I don't even feel connected to my body 90% of the time.

I feel so fucking unlovable all because people avoid you if you have bpd like you are a demon set on destroying the world.

There are plenty of people that do it without a personality disorder its extremely fucked up and albeist to group us all into this category of evil when everyone is different.

Ayy thought spiral with me (tw ocd vent/existential crisis?)

I don't think people understand what I'm referring to being hopeless when I say "it's hopeless". I'm not talking about my depression. I'm not even talking about my chronic pain or my trauma. I'm talking about what I call my existential ocd- "there is no way out but through" simply doesn't apply here.

There is no way out but *out*. And no one can show me the way. So I keep going through, down this tunnel, into this maze. I go deeper and deeper searching for something I'm quite aware I will never find but am compelled to chase, as if by some other worldly force. But I'm told the force is generated from within. Everyday of my life, I've walked this path and no other. Thats not an exaggeration- every day since I learned how to form thought I have been *obsessed* with figuring things out. It's who I am. It's what I care about.

I describe different kinds of emotional pain differently- mental illness is, as its name implies, an illness. It might go away forever with treatment or be chronic and need to be managed long term, but it can usually be managed. Trauma is a wound, one that often leaves permanent scars but can heal nonetheless. Grief is amputation, it's simply a loss with no replacement, but life can grow around that and become fuller in time. But this... this is something else. Something I struggle to put into words. It's me. It's the self, dissolving under the weight of uncertainty and compulsion, unable to exist in a normal way.

People will probably say "you shouldn't identify yourself with it then" but you don't understand. Where are the people who are like me or who were but then changed? Show me one, thats a genuine request. I'm irrevocably seperate from everyone who hasn't traveled this path and I haven't met or heard of anyone who has traveled it before me. And if there is someone who traveled it, did they get out? Or would I simply follow them round and around, deeper into this spiral... The "end goal" for me cannot ever be the same end goal that anyone different from me has achieved. That's why other people succeeding gives me no hope (or jealousy). There is not a person who has ever fully comprehended the absurdity and complexity- and what I'm beginning to believe is probably rarity- of my situation.

And no- I don't want to think of myself as different. I don't want to be special. If anything negative about me is rare, then its pathological, and if anything positive about me is rare, then it's crushingly disappointing to think that others are not even as good as I am. Yes, I'm seeing things unusually negatively. And being unusually critical. But- and I say this devoid of all pride- I'm an unusual person.

Its something that goes beyond loneliness. It's the ache of innate separation, due to the responsibility of awareness, the compulsive nature I can't discard, and so many more things. I am reaching out but no one can reach back, no one can do anything to reach me here. And I don't think I'd want them to if they could. Because then they would be here too. With me, yes, but *here*. In this death before death. I'm thinking it's better to be separate, to be misunderstood, than to be assured that this is real, that I'm not simply being overly dramatic or deluding myself into some kind of waking nightmare.

This might be more a prayer than a cry for help but please- if there is anyone out there who's been where I am, and who could, through some repplicable feat, manage to get out... please let me reach you. I am so tired.

August 17

8:57 AM

I dunno how I’m feelin right now. But I wanna be TOUGH. Or maybe just relax today, after commissions. I dont know. I feel like I need to lay down. 

2:14 PM

I kinda feel like I’m just waiting for more hardship. More tummy problems and thunderstorms, it never stops. I need a hug or something. 

10:34 PM

I’m at another sort of breaking point. Im just so sick of being miserable or fighting just to feel ‘okay’ every single day. It didn’t USED to be like this. Why has it gotten so much worse so fast. I have some plans though. I might try to write a lot more and REALLY get everything out for the sake of reading it over to try and see some patterns. I’ll try tracking my diet again to see if there’s anything especially wrong I need to change. I’ll try to deliberately de-stress in general because I know that’s a solid part of it. There’s so much work to do. 

My priorities have been kinda fucked up lately. It should be WELLBEING>WORK>DESIRES, or maybe work first. I’ve been REALLY bad about not cracking down on work and getting things done. I HAVE to do that again, it’s getting to the point where I’m starting to earn less. Before I was scheduling personal art time that was stressing me out so I cut that off, but now I still have to do the actual work I have scheduled. Thats a big point of stress, not getting it done early in the day and having it loom over me. 

I’ve definitely been prioritizing others over myself a bit too much lately. It all falls into that ‘Im afraid to lose people’ mindset recently. That has to stop, Im not losing anyone. And I really have to take care of myself in order to be good to other people. 

Some friends don’t understand my problems and it’s bordering on frustrating. They’ll say they get it and understand, then get upset when I have to leave to take care of myself. I have to accept that I cant let people like that get to me. I’m not going to let their misunderstanding stress me out. I’ll leave whether it hurts your feelings or not when I’m having some personal issues. 

I feel so turbulent inside. So many fears, hopes, and feelings. I’m aware of multiple areas where I can improve. Before it was just my sickness anxiety, now its personal relationships, intimacy, self care, work ethic, and surely other things I’m forgetting. As someone who loves to organize and prioritize, I’d want to do that here too. But I’ve learned trying to do that with feelings only gets so far. It’s hard to accommodate these kinds of things into a system. 

I find myself craving someone I can lean on, but I won’t make that mistake again. I think I’ve always had someone I’ve committed myself to at any one time that I’ve used to help me stay sane. It can be healthy and stable, but I’m robbing myself of the ability to stand alone. The reality is I am alone in my internal struggles. People can help a lot but it’s my fight in the end. Maybe I need to learn to love and respect myself more to realize improving for the sake of myself is important. Often when I’m alone, I figure whats the point. No one is here to see me in shambles so why should I fix it? But the thing is IM there to see it AND feel it. It hurts ME so I should aim to fix it. Just like how I clean my cabin despite no one else seeing it. 

10:55 PM

I always catch myself thinking about someone else. The people I like and when I might see them next or do for them so they know I’m thinking about them. But its hurting me, I haven’t been thinking of myself enough. I guess I feel alone when I’m alone, but I shouldn’t. Alone time is normal and healthy when done correctly. I should assure myself that my friends will always be there, they aren’t going to forget about me or magically vanish while I’m away. Reassurance would help, like if a friend messaged me something that let me know I was on their mind every now and then. I try to do that, maybe I should do it more. I don’t want to come off as creepy though. 

I want to keep in mind the person I want to be more, to help guide myself on how I should act. I wanted to stream consistently, and I was. I felt WRONG not streaming the art I was doing. Then all this anxiety stuff hit and now streaming is a challenge. It makes me feel trapped and stressed out. But I don’t want it to. I want to stream so I can stay focused as people watch me work and chat. I want to stream Boneworks for my buddy since he bought the game for me to do that. I’m literally just a total coward these days, but I want to be brave again. 

11:21 PM

Time for some shameful admittance. I threw out a bunch of french fries because they were from when my mom let all my frozen stuff thaw. There was a second bag that I ate the entirety of because I know they were okay, but this other bag was a lot more fused together which to me means they were more thawed. And I was either unlucky or it was in my head, a couple of the fries I cooked tasted a little weird so I tossed the whole bag. I feel bad because they really should be okay, but they do fall out of my safety standards. I prefer frozen stuff to just not thaw until it’s time to cook it. 

12:30 AM

Fuck it. I keep feeling guilty about not drawing/making things for certain friends but the simple truth is that I don’t inherently want to. Usually I only want to draw one person at a time, and I know who that is right now. I WANT to do it. I’m going to draw what I WANT, not what I feel like I should. If that ends up being literally 1 person, then so be it. 

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS part 17

🪐masterlist🪐

These are my personal observations and not facts.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Kylie Jenner are the most followed people on Instagram and they both have Neptune in the 1st house which makes so much sense. A lot of people want to look like them. Cristiano also have Pluto in the 10th house which shows his dominance and ”it-man” image.

A lot of criminals have Lilith placements because its harder for Lilith dominant people to get a normal job. Doing illegal things is also a form of revenge towards society for outcasting them.

The fact that Gordon Ramsey have Pluto, Mars, Moon and Uranus all conjuncting eachother in Virgo(The most critical sign) makes so much sense.

Moon conjunct Nessus means that the person with this aspect might have been emotionally abused by the mother and their female relatives.

Mercury conjunct Nessus can have a very deep tone to their voice and might struggle with abusive thoughts.

Sagittarius in the inner planets gives amazingly beautiful legs😍

Some people with a lot of placement in the 4th house are very proud of their country. I have a hard time relating to these people because I have no Cancer energy at all in my chart so I dont understand the ”patriot” mentality. I honestly dont care about my country at all I just see myself as someone from planet earth, and thats probably bc of my Moon in the 11th. (Not saying its wrong to love your country)

Saturn in the 2nd house makes it hard to spend money on yourself, some of these people find it hard to buy nice things for themselves especially when it comes to clothes and self care.

People with Venus Square Neptune probably had to fight for their parents affection and love and felt like they had to be a certain way to be loved. This makes them drawn to people who they have to fight to be accepted by.

People with Mercury aspecting Pluto knows sooo much without saying anything.

People with Neptune Opposite Ascendant might lack self awareness and might see themselves as the opposite of what the are. Since their Neptune is also conjuncting they DC they could see themselves as what they like in others.

SYNASTRY:

Sun in the 1st house in synastry makes you respect eachother for the way the other presents themselves and their manners.

Mars 1st house makes you attracted to the way the person walks and their body language in general.

With Moon conjunct Pluto the Moon person feels like Pluto is the only one who understands them to the core.

Juno conjunctions in synastry makes the relationship very long lasting and you feel a sense of loyalty to eachother.

I know you shouldnt take synastry too seriously and a bad synastry chart doesnt have to mean the relationship wont work but if you see Nessus conjunct North Node in synastry you should run for the hills ive seen this in so many synastry charts when i checked famous murderers synastry with their victims. We have to be careful when we see what planets/asteroids others bring to our North Node because it will be the theme of the relationship.

12th house synastry makes you feel like the other person is always hiding something

Mars 8th house in synastry makes it impossible to not see eachother in a sexual way.

1st and 7th house synastry is great but it can make you forgive someone too easily. Ive noticed that I have a hard time staying mad at people I have 1st and 7th house overlays with. Especially when someone has their moon in my 1st house.

© 2022 Zeldas Notes

I think you said that Reader has anxiety and ADHD at one point, are they aware of that at this point in the story? love the fic and hope you have a great night <3

(Forgive me for answering a bunch of questions in one post, but these are all kinda related i swear)

As of now (chapter 7), Reader is completely unaware that they have anxiety and ADHD! They've likely been struggling with it their whole life but for one reason or another, they never had someone tell them "no that's not normal but you can get help" and, being the genius they are, they never realized it themselves. They've been under the impression, their whole entire dumb, dumb life, that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do and they're just particularly bad at handling life in general.

(also thank u!!!!!)

(more questions n answers under the cut!)

They're actually quite talented! They would have been considered to have a gift, or maybe even been thought of as a prodigy, in their college years- if only they had better work habits. But, like they do now, back then they worked themselves to sickness and exhaustion- to the point where they were often so clumsy, while working with heavy and dangerous equipment, that once they had to give themselves stitches. Which, y'know. Generally affects performance. If they'd kept better care of themselves and maybe allowed themselves a break once or twice, they would've been in the top of their classes!

So they are very talented at it! But struggling to hold themselves together in college and seeing their grades suffer for it, and a preexisting case of perfectionism and anxiety, doesn't exactly help you feel very confident.

I know some of y'all aren't gonna like the vagueness, but... That part is really up to you.

Even in college, their habits were considered especially bad, and they have a hard time (sometimes to the point of outbursts) accepting that they AREN'T fine and that they DO need help, and they are under the notion that certain people NEED TO STRUGGLE in order to become better at being people- which are all very not good thought processes and could definitely be the result of some kind of trauma, but which could also be explained by years of bottled up self doubt and anxiety.

(If you want my PERSONAL take? As in its not canon to the story, but what I would assume if I was the one reading it? They grew up in a household where they were never praised and never treated as though their best was good enough. They internalized that, and became obsessed with finding a way to be "good enough," even if it means putting their own physical and mental health to the wayside. this aint a canon take tho u can believe whatever u want and thats equally as canon as my thoughts!!!)

I need to share soft sign language buddies ninogami headcanon because they’re taking over my brain always:

(This got so long, so youre welcome if youre also starved for ninogami content)

Nino’s mom is Deaf , so he grew up signing as much as speaking. When he was younger he always signed as he talked.

It turned out he’s also Hard of Hearing, so sign language is way easier for him to understand most of the time.

However, though he’s great at making friends, he’s very awkward when it comes to talking about himself. So never comes up in conversation.

It’s not a self-deprication issue. It’s just a “thinking of things to say is hard and I’d rather have someone else do the talking” thing. He’d rather talk about anyone except himself.

Additionally! He’s great at helping other people, but he’s terrible at asking for help. He does not EVER want to be like “hey i cant understand what you’re saying, my ears dont work great,” its his worst nightmare

And it doesnt help that there have been a few cases of people being rude about it when he doesnt hear them after they repeat themselves. And possibly worse, there have been even more cases of people giving over-the-top apologies instead of just,, telling him what they said. So it’s not worth the trouble in his mind

with his few close friends who still dont know, it feels like its too late and it’d be awkward to bring it up, so he just… doesnt. He’s procrastinating on telling them he cant hear them

He stopped signing as much as he talked in middle school because strangers would always be like “woah thats so cool, how do you know sign language” and he’d just panic because he was an awkward tween, and he didnt know if he was comfortable telling them he was HoH, but ALSO just saying his mom was Deaf and not mentioning himself felt like directly lying by hiding information, so he just took the “lazy” way out and signed less in public.

Sometimes fighting the anxiety was not worth it so he just let it win in that case.

Nino is so nice and energetic and loves people, but he is way more introverted and anxious than his friends think.

But when they start to get closer, Kagami who is ever-observant, notices him signing a little bit, (not ever to her, not ever on purpose, but he’d sometimes sign a word he needed to remember while speaking or sign along to emphasize something)

and she luckily for his anxiety, she doesnt know how to have a normal conversation either.

Her (platonic as well as romantic) love language is studying and research, and Nino seems very cool and she likes him, even if she is awful at holding a conversation with him or doing anything to show it.

She thinks he’s so cool and such an amazing talented kind friend. She has so much love for him that she doesnt know what to do with it. So she channels that energy into learning to sign through the internet and whatever tools she can find

And then after a while of this, she’s like “oh no, he’s gonna think that’s so creepy, I cant tell him I know sign language or he’ll be so uncomfortable”

So, like a whole idiot, she hides that she’s learning sign language from anyone. Because OBVIOUSLY if word got back to Nino, he’d assume it was because of him and that she was a weirdo he shouldn’t be friends with

But also Kagami accidentally falls in love with sign language because she has undiagnosed autism. She always assumed that communicating was just going to be impossible no matter what, but as she gets proficient in sign language she’s like,,, oh,,, OH,, this is very nice

Even just signing while she talks makes it so much easier to keep words and sentances straight, but she only does it when she’s alone with her mother, who is literally blind and would never know.

They become closer friends in late high school, and by that time a lot of Nino’s anxiety has worn off and he’s become completely comfortable letting teachers know when he needs to hear somthing, and middle school feels like a distant dream

At some point, Nino invites Kagami to his house a few times, and he signs with his mom. Nino is like “I can interpret for you,” and Kagami is like “wow thanks, I’m so lucky, because I obviously do not know any sign language, why would I have learned it, and also for the record it is brand new information to me that you can sign,” and Nino is like “cool? Its not a secret but im glad i told you if you somehow didnt already know,” and Kagami is like, “yep :)”

But then eventually as they become really close, they are texting one night, (Kagami can still barely get out of her house, so they need to communicate remotely. And both of then HATE phone calls bc its so hard to understand whats happening, but neither of them have admitted this to anyone)

Nino admits that he likes using sign language better than talking, and he wishes he could use it with his friends, but he’d feel so guilty asking them to learn an entire language just to make him slightly more comfortable. He can talk and hear OKAY so he shouldnt put the pressure on them.

and Kagami is like “you could always ask, worst case scenerio they say no, and i dont think thats an unreasonable demand” and nino is like “it is though,” and kagami’s like “ok so haha funny story, please dont hate me” and nino is like, “…what.” And kagami confesses everything and nino is like “why… why would i hate you for that?” And Kagami is like “oh wait youre right im stupid,”

And then Nino’s also like “hey if YOURE more comfortable signing too, then why dont YOU ask your friends to sign for you. Do you see what i mean? It’s hard to ask-” and kagami is like, “as your friend i will prove it is not.”

So then Kagami ends up confronting Adrien and Marinette the next day and is like “Hi. This is a sign language dictionary. Learn from it.” And they’re both like “what?” And she’s like “oh wait sorry. Backing up. I’m autistic. I decided like three years ago. Forgot to tell you. And I need you to learn to sign a little bit so you can understand if i sign something at you. If you want, of course. Please :D.” And theyre like “ok sure yeah i can do that.”

(Theyve already learned and accepted that shes extremely direct in asking for things)

So then she texts nino and is like “i did it. Youre welcome.”

But anyway both of them are uncomfortable in crowds and parties: Nino cant hear anyone and Kagami tends to get sensory overload, so they start signing mostly in those situations, and then it starts to sink in that they’re allowed to sign whenever and that the other really IS also comfortable with it.

(Both of them are much more willing to make sacrifices for others than to try something new and intimidating for themself, so this is the perfect situation to trick them into getting out of their comfort zone, ironically by trying to be more comfortable in the long run)

so they will just sit together and hang out and have long conversations while just chilling somewhere in a park or at cafes or whatever. Both of them become chattier than they’ve ever been because talking and understanding is so much easier, and its addicting

And their close friends all become proficient enough in sign language to have simple conversations.

But also Nino and Kagami start sitting together automatically even in group hangouts, and they start hanging out more with just the two of them, and soon neither of them feel bad about asking to hang out in quieter places, because they can justify it knowing that it will also help the other one, and together that makes both of them also more comfortable asking for little accomodations from other friends, if only to prove to the other that they can do it too.

And Kagami has the lesser-known autism side effect where she makes WAY TOO MUCH eye contact. She’s aware of it but that doesnt make it go away. Normally she feels so awkward about it, and overthinks her gaze because she doesnt want to scare people away. But when signing, you literally HAVE to be watching the other person constantly, so she has an excuse to just be herself, and its so relieving

(and also its kind of fun to look at Nino anyway because he can get so animated and his smile is really nice and oh no she is in love a little bit)

And Nino always struggles because he emotionally ALWAYS needs to be the nice polite one. His anxiety sometimes gets the better of him and he’s constantly worried about sending the wrong signals to his friends and coming off as rude somehow. But with Kagami, he can literally just ask?? And she will tell him her honest opinion without making it weird. And its so comfy and so good and he really loves hearing her unfiltered opinions on so many things because she sees the world in such a unique way and she gets so passionate about such little things and then oh no, he is fallen for her before he can realize it

And they also learn that they’re both artists, they both love to just observe the world because even if they;re awkward, people are actually pretty great most of the time, and its fun to observe them and try to capture the world, and they just sit together and sketch, or they watch each other sketch, and the thing is, both of them draw ONLY FOR THEMSELVES, its not a ‘skill,’ and they don;t want it to be, its just private art for relaxation. Somehow, though, its okay if they share their art with each other. They can just sit in comfortable silence for hours while one of them sketches something and the other watches patiently

And they start to get more comfortable with one of their heads resting on the other’s shoulder as they watch them doodle, and sitting so close their legs press together, and soon enough their hands start brushing against each other’s as they walk next to each other and then all of a sudden they’re casually holding hands whenever they’re not signing because it’s nice

They try to share headphones so Nino can share some of his favorite songs and his compositions with Kagami. But try as she might, Kagami can not handle the sensory of only having one earbud in. Nino knows her tells by that point, and he’s not about to let her suffer for a stupid reason, but she REALLY does want to hear his music. They somehow end up with Kagami putting a pair of headphones around her neck and turning up the volume a little bit so she can hear, while Nino rests his head on her shoulder so he can hear just enough to know where she is in the song

And then he has to sit up and scootch away just enough to see her hands so they can talk about it, and they both pretend not to notice how nice it was to snuggle as they sign. Its fine, though, because now they get the excuse to just look at each other again and sign overdramatically with exaggerated facial expressions, and no one else around can overhear their conversation, and Nino likes to go a little over the top when signing onomatopoeia and acting out particular parts of the song rhythm that he likes, and Kagami laughs, and they both mentally save the image of each other in this moment the same way that they look at reference images for artwork, memorizing the lines of each movement and the things that make each smile unique,

and Nino also shows up at every single one of her fencing tournaments, and he sits as close as he can and signs encouraging messages to her from the crowd whenever she’s not actively competing, (that her blind mom can never catch, which is somewhat of a bonus to Kagami, because every element of their friendship that her mother cant interact with makes this more personal and special and HERS). Every little sign she sends back at him, even a simple thank you, always feels so good and rebellious and free because shes supposed to be focusing on fencing but shes deciding to care more about friendship. And even if she’s expected to leave immediately afterword, she’ll find every excuse possible to find him and give him a hug, which he’ll always accept even though she jokingly warns him shes sweaty and gross

And eventually they are special best friends and it brings them instant joy to see each other and theyre able to interact for no reason other than that they want to and like each other

(And then they kiss)

if people wanna charge for their tarot readings who cares, to me it really doesnt matter how long they’ve been studying because thats not really an indicator that you’re good at reading tarot. Also why does it matter if an amateur/novice tarot reader wants to charge to offer their services? why does it have to be free? artists still charge to sell their art even though they are always improving and evolving in their craft. to me tarot reading is no different. Like if u really have a problem with ppl wanting to get some side change from this hobby then just ignore those ppl and focus on supporting readers who u feel are qualified to read. but if ppl wanna do this for money that rly isnt a bad thing imo.

"artists still charge to sell their art even though they are always improving and evolving in their craft. to me tarot reading is no different."

Tarot reading involves dealing with people's lives and sometimes hope and pain. Your words can make someone lose hope and build it again. Art like visual art and creative writing can be really impactful, but it doesn't quite have the same directness of tarot. You yourself feel affected by anon's comment; words about people's actual lives can affect people much easier and faster than a drawing or a fiction can. Sure tarot has elements of art in it, but tarot is more like a therapy consultation than art imo, minus the verified professional qualifications. It has real impact that can happen faster and deeper than normal art.

There is also a difference between a complete beginner and someone who has covered the foundational knowledge and has got some practice. Anon's point was about complete beginners, moving too fast, and charging 20-40 bucks. Don't ignore the part where anon mentioned the price. As a reader it's good to have some self-awareness; if you are still struggling with the basic meaning of the cards, logically your skill doesn't match the 20-40 price range.

"to me it really doesn't matter how long they’ve been studying because that's not really an indicator that you’re good at reading tarot"

I don't want to assume the actual reason why anon pointed out the price-experience imbalance, but to speak from a logical standpoint, most newcomers in whatever industry, tend to struggle with what they are doing, because they are still learning and haven't fully built their understanding of the foundation, which logically can impact their work quality. Everyone deserves a living wage but interns make less money than employees with 4-5 years experience because of skills/experience difference.

Experience is not a foolproof method of figuring out if the result will have good quality, sure. There are exceptional people who don't have much experience and are immediately great at what they do. But you are more likely to meet a normal person than an exceptional person. Same with tarot readers. Price usually reflects quality, and quality usually comes from skills, and skills are usually built with experience.

Tarot also doesn't stop at tarot knowledge, it also involves problem solving, interpersonal and intrapersonal skills, etc. Logically it takes some time to learn IF you haven't learned these yet. When a complete beginner immediately offers paid readings and sets high prices, it goes against that logic, so some people may disagree with it or be suspicious about it. Especially when your job requires you to deal with people's wellness, hope and pain.

"why does it matter if an amateur/novice tarot reader wants to charge to offer their services? why does it have to be free? if ppl wanna do this for money that rly isnt a bad thing imo"

Anon emphasized the price-experience imbalance in their first point, they talked about people lying in the second point. My point (not anon's) in that post was not about "beginners should not charge their readings at all". So I don't know where you got this idea that we are against people making money with tarot.

Like you said, people like anon don't have to buy those readings if they don't want to. However my point is, this doesn't mean tarot readers should just jump into it. I said readers should think first before doing anything whenever they want to do it, whether they want to sell after 2 months or after 1 year. I have my personal standard about the timing, but in that post I also acknowledged that people move at a different pace.

Tarot readers are dealing with people's existence here bro, they can break people's spirit and ruin people's peace of mind, they are not making a landscape painting and selling it. Is it a controversial take to remind new readers to put some thoughts into it? Especially when it involves a large sum of money. If as a tarot reader you have thought about it, you think you have a basic sense of responsibility, then do it whenever and charge whatever price.

Doing things fast + high price + not much experience usually imply carelessness (whether that is the case or not); thus it can make people wonder. We can't deny there are scammers in the community, we can't deny that there are people who take advantage of querents and being careless about it, so it's not wrong for someone to bring up this topic instead of letting this go completely uncheck.

Inbox me your opinion(s) about tarot readings, tarot readers, or tarot querents (READ RULES)

anon ask about self-doubt, finding self-worth, and becoming who you want to be; warning: a long one hahaha

i just want to say i really admire the way you write. i love the way you talk and word things. i wish i could talk as well as you🥲 i also want to say thank you for talking on here and sharing your words and your own struggles. i hope you have moments where you’re happy and are taking care of yourself. i purple you <3

i wanted to ask for advice and maybe you can understand/relate to some of it? this is probably going to be super long but: i’m tired of feeling so worthless. straight up some days i feel like a worthless bag like why am i even here?? im always comparing myself to other peoples lives. i feel so guilty and shitty when i see others my age doing things i’m not doing. driving, working, dating, actually hanging out with friends, being social. i’m not doing any of those things, some i’ve never done and it makes me feel like less of a person i feel so small compared to other people my age like why am i not hanging out with friends? why have i never been in a relationship? i see people my age dating and suddenly feel like a little child. this little noob who doesn’t have things like that in their life n doesn’t know what thats like. i dont even know what i want to do with my life. sometimes i’ll see others my age doing things like going to a school dance or out with their friends and i immediately feel so f*cking worthless and just question my whole existence. i can’t explain it. sometimes i even like a useless daughter or sibling because maybe my mom would be more proud of me if i had friends or was out being social. sometimes if i do something so small such as ordering food by myself (bc that’s something that’s extremely difficult for me) , everyone praises me like “you talked to them?? i’m so proud of you” and it makes me feel like shit because i hate that they’re acknowledging the fact i’m scared to do simple shit like that. why isn’t anyone proud of me for the things i do now? it’s only when i do things like that. things i wouldn’t normally do. i feel like i’ll never be truly confident in myself. i’m scared of what it’ll be like when i am in a relationship. i’m scared i won’t know how to do things. scared i won’t be good enough. i’m constantly day dreaming about the future. what i’ll be doing or who i’ll be with. i’ve just never really experienced big great things, so when something comes to me (it could be something so small) it means the world to me. like you reading all of this and replying would feel extraordinary to me. i absolutely HATE telling people my personal feelings. i even feel like i’m burdening you right now. i hate talking about how i feel or what i’m going through mentally. i’d rather keep it all to myself and just..let it be. i hate opening up to people and telling them my struggles, insecurities, worries, etc. i’m always thinking about the way my life is. the way i sometimes don’t do shit. the way i’m not social or have much friends. i wake up and think about the day ahead of me and immediately feel discouraged cause it’s like “ugh another day of the same thing: nothing” i hate how damn aware i am of my shitty feelings and maybe it’s good to be able to pinpoint exactly how and why you’re feeling. but i’m just so aware of everything. like i’m so aware of how insecure i am, i start to wonder if others can see it. i wonder if i look as insecure, small, and worthless as i feel. i just want to know what it’s like to not care what people think. to just be and do things without thinking about the judgement of others. i want to know what it’s like to not be so anxious and insecure of every inch of yourself inside and out. i just want to feel proud and feel deserving and feel like i’m enough. i feel like if i was in a relationship i would ruin everything. i would be so damn insecure about everything the other person would just get tired of me. i’m forgettable. i feel like such a mess. i feel so undeserving of EVERYTHING no matter how much i did to deserve it, i still feel like i’m never enough and don’t deserve anything. i always want others to have more than me. the truth is, i’m so considerate. i do a lot for the people around me and have been told i’m the most selfless sweetest person anyone’s ever met. i don’t want to sound selfish (is that the word?) but certain things in my family’s lives wouldn’t happen if it weren’t for me. sorry this was so long and for ranting. but thank you so much if you read this.

Alexa? Play 'People' by Agust D.

Alright, now that we have some background music, let's talk, you and me. :)

Here's the thing. I could say, "you're not worthless, I'm sure you've done many wonderful things", but I've been where you are, and I know you won't believe me no matter how true it is. So, instead, I'll ask you this.

The word worth, this aspiration you're trying to achieve, was it defined by you... or was it made by people around you telling you what it means?

It doesn't have to be a verbal conversation. It's the small things, the comparisions, media, society, the moments of "Why am I not like that?" And then you start thinking you "should" be like that, like it's your duty to look a certain way, to be a certain way, to even think a certain way, that you must be positive and never feel like shit, implying you can't have thoughts for some fucking reason?

???

Come on, now.

The "perfect, good, worthwhile" person that you (probably unconsciously) think of when you put yourself down is actually a compilation of all the good traits that you've encountered in all the people you've met or seen. It's not a single person. You're leaving out any possible bad traits or even mediocre ones. That's not fair. You're comparing yourself to an ideal that couldn't possibly exist. It's not just an unwinnable fight, it's an impossible one.

On the specific topic of why you're not doing what you're friends or peers are doing, the answer is simple: you're not them. Their dreams, their goals, their timeline. They do things in their own time and you do things in yours. Faster, slower, it doesn't matter. Full of confidence or full of doubt, knowing where to go and getting lost, wherever you are in your timeline, it is yours and that is enough. Even if you're parallel or cross lives with other people, your timeline is yours and yours alone. That is special in itself. No one can be you.

It is easy to try to be someone else.

It is hard to be yourself.

I spent two decades thinking my worth was based on someone else's fallen dreams, someone else's unachievable goals, someone else's timeline. From when I was born to when I became an adult, I was less of a person and more treated like a clay toy in someone else's shadow. I was physically and emotionally beaten, told every day that my life is not my own, that every second I breathe was not my right, but theirs, simply because they gave birth to me. That kind of thing has everlasting effects on a person. You might think I'm confident, indestructible, impervious.

I am.

(heh, sorry XD)

But I'm also alone, pessimistic, and don't really have a path in life. I live with constant contradiction, 24/7, all the fucking time. My mind never shuts up. I can think about billion things at once. I can think about how great and fulfilling my life is while simultaneously wanting to end it right then and there. I don't have some grand dream to achieve, because my literal dream since I was born, for over twenty years, was "get the fuck away". I did... so now what?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I never had childhood friends because friends are distractions and distractions were not permitted. And now, years later, I know what it means in the dictionary, I know the acts people do to maintain friendship, but

fuck

Do I even know what friend means?

Will I ever understand?

I know, logically, but I can't feel it.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel.

I know my emotions, but I'm bad at feeling them, and that kinda shit fucks me up so hard that I end up writing BTS smut in my attempt to feel what I think normal human beings feel, what the actual fuck

There's so many more things like that floating in my mind, all the time. Some thoughts are just tiny little nicks and scrapes, some scars run so deep that I think they're still bleeding. I can sit here and pick at them for hours, days, years. I can make myself bleed and bleed and bleed, blame everyone else, punish myself with self-destruction.

And I did.

For what?

I want to be the person my child self wanted to be, someone who would not take shit from anyone, someone who knows themselves inside and out, someone who is unapologetically themselves, good, bad, what-the-fuck-ever, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks because I know who I am and I will not be who someone else wants me to be.

If that's the kind of person I want to be, the only one that can pick me up is me. The only one who can teach me to become that person is me. If there is shadow in every light, then I will become both the light and the shadow.

And if I want it

I'm going to get it.

No one else is going to do it for me, you know?

You say you feel worthless, undeserving, whether or not you need to exist, and to that I say (with all due respect)... who the fuck cares? So what? Worth or not, deserving or not, these are made-up terms that treat human lives as nothing more than dollar signs. You are a person. Need or not, you already exist. It does not matter how grand or simple your life is. You do not exist to make money, contribute to society, or even be a good person.

You choose those things.

The meaning of your life is decided by you and you alone. Big, small, cool, plain, doesn't matter. "One more day" or "change the world", both are valid, both are meaningful, both are real. And you know what? You can change it at any time. One more day, one more week, one more hobby, one more person in your life, and suddenly you realize, "I found it. What I want to do, who I want around me, who I want to become." What you are now is just a step in life. You are not the same person you were yesterday, the week before, years before. You think this will be forever, that you will never change, but you have already changed, just a little, by making it one more day. Small changes turn into big ones.

You're afraid you don't know how to do things? Here's the truth: nobody knows how to do anything. XD Adults fuck up all the time. They forget things, they mess up, and they have to go back and patch things up. It's okay to make mistakes, to stumble, to fail. You just have to learn from it. You're afraid you won't be good enough? Good is relative. Everyone has a different definition. Who can judge such a thing anyway? Just strive to be a little better than you were before. That is enough.

It's fine to have these thoughts, but remember who lives your life. You or your thoughts? You can't control your thoughts, but your thoughts don't control you either. Everything will come and go, people, things, happiness, sadness. You will walk slow at times. Appreciate the scenery. When you're ready, you can take a bigger step, a faster step, in whatever direction you please. You will run at times. Look back and see how far you've come. Be proud, no matter the distance.

This is your timeline, your path, your pace. If there is a shadow in every light, you don't have to walk in someone else's shadow. Stop comparing and step out.

You can be your own light.

You can live like that.

So, I ask you...

What if you do?

;)