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smoothcurvesinteractive · 4 years

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What Makes Dad's Tacos Special

What REALLY makes Dad’s tacos special

The Meat

The Tortillas

The whole Taco Bar Spread

What really makes my tacos special is the care I put into the meat and the tortillas. I’ve been making tacos since I was a teenager, and they were one of the first dinners I could cook for myself. The technique I use for cooking the meat, and the tortillas has been developed and tweaked and improved for around 40 years.

The meat should be fine crumbles. Ground turkey and Chicken tend to turn into really fine, almost sand like texture. 85 and 90% lean hamburger also tends to crumble really fine.

This technique can also make cheap (70% fat content) hamburger much healthier.

Raw corn tortillas are just gross, microwaved with a little water, they are a bit better. My technique for preparing tortillas looks involved but takes mere seconds per tortilla, and if you cook 2 or 3 tortillas at a time you can have a batch of a dozen cooked in under 10 min.

This technique also applies to wheat flour tortillas. For flour, us a LOT less water, half as much water per side as described below, and a bunch more butter. Wheat flour tortillas bubble up really nice and fun in a pan.

The Meat

Prep

Ground hamburger, Pork Turkey or Chicken

2 Packets of taco seasoning (1 packet per ½ lb of meat)

Paprika (ideally roasted turkish)

Onion powder

Garlic powder

1 teaspoon chopped garlic per lb meat

The biggest frying pan we got (often called a sauce pan)

Optional

roasted crushed pepper flakes

Finely chopped onion

Chopped baby onion stems

Finely chopped tomato

Refried beans (no more than ¼ cup per lb of meat)

Meat cooking Technique

In a big frying pan,

turned on high,

dump 1 to 2 lbs of the meat, smash it down with a fork until it covers the whole pan evenly.

Let that sizzle for a bit, like 4 min, until the meat on the button just starts to brown

With a spatula stir up the meant and turn as much of the meat over, to try to brown the other side

Repeat this 4 times, until a goo portion of the meat has started to brown

Now stir in ¾ pint or 2.5 cups of water for every lb of meat (this will seem like a LOT of water… don’t worry)

Keep stirring until you have a meat soup.

Once the meat soup has started to boil, add in the taco seasonings, and paprika (no more than a teaspoon of paprika per lb of meat

If you are in a hurry, you can drain off most of the water BEFORE adding the spices, do not drain off all the water or the spices won’t mix, and you’ll burn the meat.

Stir in the spices

Let boil down for 15 to 20 min, or until the meat is no longer floating in the water, and a lot of the fat has separated and starting to make a film on top.

DO NOT reduce the water all the way…

Turn off the burner

Prepare a plastic container, or a bowl, you are going to pour and spoon off the fat and the rest of the water. I usually press a bit ladle spoon down into the meat and gather up all the water and fat and ladle it into the the plastic container… This step is important we will use this stuff to make the tortillas delicious.

Once all the water and as much fat as you can has been drained out of the pan, put the pan back on the burner (that is off but still hot) stir the meat for a bit. Leave the meat in the pan on the burner to cool and slow cook as the burner continues to cool down.

The Basic idea is to first brown the meat a bit, add a bunch of water, bring to boil stir in spices and then boil down most of that water, in doing so separating most of the fat from the meat and turning the meat into a finely ground crumbles. This also infuses all the meat with the spice mix.

The Tortillas

Corn tortillas

2 plates

Softened butter, or Butter like substance

Bowl of water

The water and fat separated from the meat (it should be good and dark orange/brown)

Pre-Prepare the tortillas

Ladle one teaspoon of the taco meat water onto each side of every tortilla, spread a bit of butter onto each side of each tortilla let the tortilla rest for a bit so the water soaked in, fry them up until they bubble and turn a nice yummy color. Fresh tortillas from the store are crumbly, and have a white and raw texture, this techniques partially breaks down the corn flower and re-constitutes the tortilla through frying in the pan. This technique dramatically improves the taste of the tortilla and the taco. Also this technique improves the strength of the tortillas, they won’t crumble and break like warmed up raw tortillas, and are stronger and much more flavorful than steamed tortillas.

This technique is based on the technique my mom used to make tortillas. She was taught by her mexican friends to always fry corn tortillas in butter, LOTS of butter.

Dads Specific Procedure

Equipment Prep

Pan and spatula are selected and placed on a burner on the stove

A prep plate is placed on the counter beside the stove top right next to the burner you’ll be cooking the tortillas on

Butter and butter knife are placed next to the prep plate

Plastic container with the taco water is placed next to the prep plate

Teaspoon is placed on the prep plate

Tortillas are pulled out, package opened and placed next to the prep plate

A receiving plate is placed on the counter opposite side of the stove

Prepping the tortillas

Take a tortilla from the bag,

place it on a plate,

Ladle the taco meat water onto the tortilla

Spread a bit of butter onto the tortilla

Flip the tortilla over

Ladle another teaspoon of water

Spread another bit of butter

The next tortilla goes on top of the previous tortilla

Prepping the pan

Ideally you have a cast iron, or thick bottomed stainless steel frying pan

Ideally you have a thin bladed stainless steel spatula with a lot of springy flex and a good handle .

Turn a burner on high

Get that pan and burner hot,

If you drop butter in the pan and the butter starts to burn, the pan is too hot. Water dripped onto the pan should instantly turn to steam

Frying the Tortillas

Get a frying pan really hot, ¼ of full burner power, water should sizzle and pop as soon as it touches the pan.

DO NOT put tortillas into a cool pan, they will stick, and not turn out well

With a tortilla in one hand and a teaspoon of water in the other

drop a teaspoon of water, and or a bit of butter into the pan

Immediately plop a tortilla on that sizzling hopping water/butter

With a spatula press the tortilla down, it should sizzle energetically

With the spatulat pressing down swish the tortilla around the pan in circles 3 or 5 times

Lift up the spatula.. Let the tortilla sizzle on the pan on it’s own for a few seconds

As soon as the tortilla starts to bubble flip it over.

WARNING. If this technique is working the very rim of the tortilla will start to stick to the pan. THIS IS A GOOD THING, it means the tortilla was fully soaked, and is cooking properly. BUT if you just try to shove the spatula under the tortilla like a pancake, the tortilla will rip.

work your spatula around the whole edge of the tortilla to scrape the whole rim off the pan.

This whole process takes 3 to 5 seconds per side, Each tortilla maybe takes 20 seconds.

The tortilla is done when it has a golden brown crust on each side and starts to stiffen up

Slide that tortilla off the pan onto a separate dry “receiving” plate

I will try to do 2 tortillas at a time, sometimes 3 in a big pan, I have done 6 or 8 at a time on a big griddle we use for pancakes or french toast,

As you progress onto your 3rd or 4th tortilla, the pan may cool down, OR start to over heat, if you are doing a big batch of tortillas you will likely have to adjust the temperature several times (this is for a classic electric stove, gas burners are no problem, higher end electric stoves don’t have as much a problem

Why this works and tastes so good The perfect tortilla is a golden brown on each side with bubbles that have made dark brown spots. The tortilla has a paper thin layer of dense brown cooked corn on each side of the tortilla, and the tortilla has a soft, completely cooked center.

This is achieved because my technique is both steaming the tortilla and frying it. Basically the whole tortilla gets steamed, and the thinnest outer part gets fried.

The water dissolves the corn flower, while infusing spices and fat from the meat into the corn meal. The hot pan turns the water to steam. and re-constitutes the corn meal into real yummy corn bread that holds together and has a much better texture than raw, or plane steamed/microwaved tortillas. The butter fry’s the outside of the tortilla giving it a slightly crispy exterior and a bunch of flavor that is separate and different than the flavor of the inside of the thin tortilla.

The tortilla will LOOK COOKED, with no hints of the powdery colored look of a raw tortilla.

Storage and reheating Leftover tortillas need to be stored in the fridge. These tortillas, because they have been cooked, will keep for a really long time and retain their flavor (weeks if kept in a ziploc baggie, or covered with plastic wrap.

RE-Heating. These tortillas taste just fine if nuked for 20 seconds in a sealed container with a slightly damp paper towel. Ideally a plate with a bit of plastic wrap over the top of it.

The Whole Taco Bar Spread

The third thing about Dads tacos is everybody gets to make their own the way they like them, with as little or as much of a plethora of ingredients.

Mains:

Dad’s Special Taco Meat

Dad’s Specially prepared corn tortillas

Flour Tortillas (12”)

Crunchy hard taco shells from a store

grated Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese

Finely Chopped onions

Finely Chopped fresh tomatoes

Finely chopped lettuce

Chili (ideally freshly made, but usually we do canned)

Re-Fried Beans

The Ideal taco bar also includes

Chopped Olives

Sour Cream

Uncle Ben’s Long Grain wild rice

Black beans (cooked)

Pinto beans (cooked)

Chopped baby onions

Salsa (ideally roasted chipotle or adobo)

Corn chips

grated Medium Cheddar cheese

grated jack cheese

grated colby cheese

Velveeta based cheese sauce (made with some taco seasoning)

Chili flakes/roasted thai chilis

Non vinegar based hot sauce (like the kind they make in mexican restaurants)

The ideal taco assembly in order

This ordering is not random or by fiat, but developed scientifically through over 40 years of experimentation trial and error. The order of ingredients DOES change the flavor and mouth feel of a taco. Also this order provides some structure and hope that the whole assemblage holds together as you fold, hold it and move it to your mouth.

Big Plate, ya need a big plate

1 to 6 tortillas laid out on the plate (if you do 6 you get the nickname el-gordo)

Spoon in refried beans down the center of each tortilla, spread it thin like peanut butter

Spoon in the meat on top of that

Chili

black beans

pinto beans

Salsa

All the cheese

Onions

Tomato

Baby onions

Olives

Cheese sauce

Sour cream

Sour Cream Technique

Sour cream should be closest to the lips, and the next thing after the tortillia that hits the taste buds. Sour cream is thick and sticky.Usually it can’t be labeled or spread on the loose fillings of a taco without messing it all up. Dad has discovered technique for getting sour cream on a loaded taco is to not try to blob it on top of all the loose stuff, but use a butter knife and spread it on the exposed lips of the tortilla, Sour cream is sticky, and spreads real well, you also don’t need a lot of it, spreading it on the lips of the tortilla will help hold the taco together as you take your first byte and spread out insurees every byte gets a bit of sour cream)

Dad’s Tacos DO NOT INCLUDE

Cilantro

Bell peppers of ANY kind

#dad #taco #taco talks #taco hemingway #philosophy #legacy #recipes #texmex #love #love through food #gratitude #inheritance #tacotuesday

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ezilyamuzed · 6 years

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There’s no place like home - part 13

Summary: The reader has had a unique gift all her life. While considering it a curse, she discovers the identity of her real father after her mothers passing. Journeying towards her new life, she finds herself thrown within the Winchester’s world. Is it her destiny?

Setting: End of season 13. This takes place after episode 13.18. Flashbacks are italicized.

Warnings: Language. Angst. Fluff. Death/blood (no one important), SMUT- yes smut. Finger play, oral (woman receiving), and unprotected sex (wrap it up!)

A/N: A little later than when I wanted to get it out, but I hope it is worth it! This chapter kind of got away from me a little because I needed a little filler that turned into A LOT for the next climatic part of the story!

Any grammatical mistakes are all my own, because I am human. Remember all comments and feedback are welcomed! If you want a tag in future posts regarding this series or other writings please send an ask! As always thank you for reading! Enjoy!

*Y/M/N= your mom’s name

Series Masterlist

You stood in complete silence as the anger, frustration, and hatred ran through you hitting every nerve like a dagger. It wasn’t just towards those that had done this to you and your family, no, it was towards yourself as well as the truth punched you in your core. You wanted to scream out loud, hit something, and even allow emotions you were holding back to run from your eyes. Your body wouldn’t let you though, making you stand in shock while Dean’s concerned voice called out your name to your deafened ears.

“Y/N. Y/N. Are you okay?”

You blinked rapidly out of your trance when you noticed the three men watching you, their furrowed faces on you, a little scared and possibly worried by the looks of it.

“I...I have to go,” you said while pushing past them and making your way up the winding staircase to the heavy door.

“Is she going to be okay, Cas?” Dean asked while watching you briskly walk out.

“I don’t know.”

Making your way to the outside for the first time in over a day the warm sun setting in the distance felt wonderful along your skin. The air was starting to cool down, sending goosebumps to raise in response as you found a little spot in the grass to watch the world once more go to sleep around you as you felt more awake than you ever had in your whole life. The truth was the out now.

You wanted to run away and pretend everything you just heard was a dream, but you couldn’t. Not only was home miles away, but what awaited you was something far more than you had ever imagined. No wonder you had been so easily invited to join the other monsters, you were one of them. You were just like them, a freak in sheep's clothing.

Pretending and just going back to your life you had left wasn’t an option now either. Everything led back to this place, to the Winchester’s. The coincidences were growing in numbers, far more than to be just accidental. There had to be a reason behind it all.

“Y/N?”

You turned your head to a sleep deprived Sam, who should have jumped at the chance to just kill you where you sat, but instead he settled himself next you, waiting patiently for you to speak.

“I’m a monster Sam,” you said while keeping your focus to the sun on the horizon. A mixture of purples, reds, oranges illuminating the sky. “You kill monsters.”

“You’re not a monster Y/N,” he replied with certainty in his voice. “You are still you, a doctor and a hunter, who saves people. Someone who cares about others and will do anything to protect them.”

“You don’t know the things that I’ve done before though,” you breathed heavily. “I’m no different than them.”

“And you don’t know what I’ve done. What Dean has done. Y/N, we all have our demons.”

“A demon didn’t make you into their little science experiment,” you quipped back.

“Actually,” he said making you turn your face to his.”One kind of did.”

You listened carefully as Sam told you what really happened that night in his nursery, as the demon dripped his blood into his mouth for his unholy army. He continued on to tell you of the others who had the similar fate, each with their own special gift that would appear after their 22nd birthday, now all gone in a twisted game. You could see as he spoke, how the memories still haunted him even now years later. The things he had done to grow stronger with a demon named Ruby by his side, would make any normal person's stomach turn. Not yours though. You knew the thrill of the kill that only fueled you more, making you feel invincible as their blood soaked through your skin. It had scared you so much, the excitement that moved you, that that was when you told yourself to stop, trying something else instead. Trying not to become a monster like them. Guess that was all pointless now.

“How do you do it Sam?” You asked while looking deep into his hazel eyes. “How do you not just give in?”

“It hasn’t always been easy,” he nervously stated while running his hand through his thick chestnut locks. “I guess when it came down to it, I didn’t want to disappoint my family anymore. I didn’t want to disappoint Dean.”

You sighed while rolling your eyes away from him. Family? What was that anymore? Everyone you had loved was now dead. There was no one left to watch you crumble down and fall into the darkness. Why would anyone else even care now?

“Sam. Y/N? Are you two good out here?” Dean asked while approaching from the distance.

“Yeah,” Sam replied while standing up and walking towards his brother. “I’m going to get a couple hours in and let you two be.”

Sam then leaned toward his brother, after noticing you weren’t looking to whisper into his ear. “She needs family now, Dean. We have to be her family.”

Dean nodded while Sam went back inside, leaving Dean to watch you staring into the distance as the stars started to light up the sky. Even with only their light shining down on you, Dean could only think to himself how you were the most beautiful girl he had even laid his eyes on. Nothing from an old file would ever change how he felt about you. You were perfect just the way you were.

“I should probably go home soon, so you two can get back to what you do best and save the world,” you said while glancing over to Deans wondering stare.

“You don’t have to go back right now,” he replied quickly before clearing his throat. “I’m in no hurry. You can stay here as long as you want.”

Glancing back to the building nestled into the earth, crumbling slowly on the outside you only shook your head in response.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure could use a drink right now,” he laughed with a bit of nervousness to your reply.

“Or maybe the whole liquor store,” you rolled your eyes while letting out a quick chuckle.

“Oh don’t do that. The aftermath from when Cas did it was not pretty.”

“After he… wait what?” You laughed unexpectedly as you envisioned the grumpy and stern angel drunk off his ass.

“Yeah, let’s just say, I still have flashbacks when I smell schnapps, jager, tequila and rum mixed together. Haunting really,” he shuddered fiercely as if he had envisioned it all over again in his head.

A continuous laugh rolled out of you as you watched him make grossed out faces. He was acting like a child, but he was giving you what you needed at the moment; a distraction from your thoughts. You pushed up to your feet and moved over to give Dean a hug. Your actions made him flinch a little, not knowing exactly what you were about to do or even what he should do in return.

You pulled away before he could fully wrapped his arms around you and smiled up to him through your lashes.

“How about I go get dressed and we go have that drink?”

________________________________________________________

Dean didn’t even bother explaining where he was going to Cas while Sam laid passed out in his room. It’s not like Cas would really approve anyways, and honestly Dean didn’t care right now. What he cared about was seeing Y/N smile again. Too many days had passed since he saw that real, heartfelt smile that moved within her whole body that would radiate off her face like the sun. Of all the things he would ever miss in this world if he were to die tomorrow, that would be it.

He took her to an old worn down country tavern, just a 20 minute drive from the bunker, that was off the highway. When he needed to get away he would often go there, and just get lost in the crowd. There was always a few regulars that would also keep to themselves that Dean would nod to in acknowledgement as he passed them. Sometimes, since it was right next to the highway and there happened to be a crappy motel next door he would accompany a lonely traveler… or two for the night.

The bartender and waiting staff gave him a funny look as he walked in with Y/N. Usually he came in alone and walked out with someone when he left. Tonight was different, he didn’t care about finding a cheap thrill at the end of the night, he just wanted to be with her wherever and he knew she had to get away from the bunker. The fact that there was food and cheap booze was only an added bonus to their escape.

“So what is good here?” she caught his attention while seeing the other patrons with their various burgers, sandwiches, and deep fried whatevers as they found a tabletop available near the wall.

“They have this hot pepper burger I like. Jalapenos, pepper jack cheese, and chipotle sauce. It might be too spicy for ya though.”

“Sounds good. Order me one with some fries and a lot of beer. I’m running to the little girls room,” she said while moving towards the restroom sign.

Dean watched her out of the corner of his eye, another older man at the bar just so happened to be watching her too. Dean let out a loud cough over the sound of an old Alan Jackson song, catching the guys attention. He looked over and smirked.

“You’re damn lucky there, son.”

“Yes I am,” he sharply replied back while giving him a hard look, making the guy turn back to his beer in front of him.

The normal weeknight waitress Dean had some to know as Peggy came over to him with a smile on her face.

“Brought a friend this time, huh?”

“Yeah, an old friend in town for a bit,” he smiled back.

“By that look on your face as you watched her there, I think she should stick around,” she grinned widely. “You having your usual?”

“Yeah, make that two of them plus the fries and a pitcher of beer,” he replied. “Oh and a side of ranch.”

“What the hell is the ranch for?” she turned up her nose.

“She dips her fries in it,” he shrugged back.

“Guess everyone can’t be perfect,” she shook her head while walking away.

Perfect. No, that was Y/N. Everything about her that might be considered an imperfection to others just made her even more perfect to him. Hell, he was even starting to appreciate that damn stubbornness and sass that came from her mouth. There was nothing about her that didn’t make him want her more, even if he had just only hours ago found out that a Knight of Hell played in her family genes. So there may be a little darkness inside of her? It wasn’t like he didn’t. He knew far too well what kind of monster laid inside of him, and what he does when he comes out.

Y/N was walking back now to the table, scanning the crowd as she moved. There was probably about 20 patrons or so all hanging around. Some were regulars, others must have been traveling. She sat herself down and swung her legs in the chair, sitting back and tapping on the counter. Peggy brought over the pitcher of beer and two glasses. She gave Y/N a skeptical look at first, but just shrugged it away while telling them that the food would be a couple more minutes. Y/N didn’t hesitate to pour herself a glassfull and automatically poured one for Dean as well.

“A toast,” Dean held up his glass, which Y/N gave him an annoyed and confused look to. “To the fucked up family trees that led us to here.”

“Yeah, I’ll drink to that,” she said while raising her glass and clanking it on his before chugging down over half its contents.

“Slow down there girl,” Dean laughed. “I don’t want to carry you out of here.”

“I’m a very coordinated drunk Mr. Winchester,” she smirked.

“Okay, well then I don’t want to clean up any vomit later,” he stated back. “Especially when you are riding in Baby.”

“Don’t worry about your Baby,” she rolled her eyes. “Beer has never made me sick. You have to remember there was a time when I was a college student doing keg stands on a Tuesday night just because.”

Just then Peggy brought out the food. Y/N noticed the side of ranch on her plate and a little smirk grew in the corner of her mouth while looking over at Dean. He just tried to play it cool and roll his eyes away from her while chomping off a large bite of his sandwich.

“Your college days sound a lot more fun than Sam’s did. I think he pretty much stayed locked up in a library, well except when it came to his girlfriend Jess.”

“Yeah,” she muttered as she looked off into the distance. “He had it pretty rough didn’t he?”

“That is an understatement,” Dean sighed while wanting to change the conversation. “So, Y/N, what is the craziest hunt you’ve ever been on?”

“What?”

“The craziest hunt,” he smiled back. “Here, let me start. We were thrown into a Scooby Doo episode.”

“Wait, what?” she sat up with a baffled look on her face.

“Yup, honest to god animated with Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, and of course Daphne.”

“What about Fred?” she said while cocking up her eyebrow.

“Yeah, him too,” Dean rolled his eyes while turning up his nose.

“So what happened?!?!”

____________________________________________________

Dean’s encounter with the Mystery Gang definitely outdid any hunt you had ever been on. He smiled in amusement to the hunted brothel case you had when you were in your mid twenties, the various ladies of the night tormenting the pubescent boys whom entered.

The night continued on just like that, back and forth with stories of the job that you had forgotten about while you ate and drank. It was nice to actually share everything with someone else for a change. It’s not like there had been a lot of people around to really tell these kinds of things to.

It was hard to believe, but you were actually having a good time, all things considering. Dean was now talking about being thrown into TV land due to the mischievous workings of Gabriel. It all sounded very much like him and that weird sense of humor of his. You smirked as he talked about how Sam turned into Baby and how he never thought he would ever say he rode inside of him without needing extensive therapy after.

“You sure about that? I mean, I may know a good shrink,” you smiled and winked.

“I don’t think I could ever afford you my dear,” he laughed back.

“Oh my rates are pretty cheap,” you snickered. “Booze and distractions is all I need.”

“So it’s working then?”

“What is?”

“My master plan,” he grinned.

“I guess so,” you shrugged while shaking your head. “You are smarter than you let people know huh?”

“Me? Nah, I’m a grunt. Sam is the smart one.”

“No, you are too. Just in your own way. Not like the nerdy type who can recite pi off to 20 digits.”

“I can name 20 different types of pie,” he laughed.

“Dork,” you laughed while taking a drink from your glass. “So what kind of master plan do you have after you get your archangel grace?”

“Well, there is a little more to it after that. We were able to get the rift between the worlds open for a while with the little grace we had, but it is honestly another huge world over there. It is nearly impossible to actually find them in the little time we would have.”

“What exactly are your plans for the Nephilim anyways...Jack was it?” you asked with a little apprehension.

His existence was a possible threat to humanity, but honestly someone might say the same about you or they knew whatever you were. Back in Lawrence there was a whole group of bad’s wanting him gone for good, you still didn’t know exactly which side you were on with that. After all, there had been other things taking up your mind currently.

“Yeah, Jack. He is a good kid. Kind of rough on himself, but I guess he at least tries,” Dean shrugged while taking a sip. “It’s not like being the spawn of Lucifer and having your mom die is really an easy start to life.”

“Or a demon's science experiment,” you thought to yourself before speaking out loud again. “You’re just cool with him and everything? No worries, concerns, or anything?”

Dean let out a huff while widening his eyes almost like he was in disbelief about what he was about to say.

“Honestly, I wanted to kill him when I first met him. Sam is pretty much the only reason I didn’t, well and the kid really packs a punch.”

“So what made you change your mind?”

“Just getting to know him, I guess. I mean, he didn’t ask for any of this. He is still half human after all. There is good there. He doesn’t have to turn out like his father just because of his DNA.”

You sat back quietly as his words settled in. It almost felt like instead of talking to you about him, he was talking to you about you. Half human, half darkness due to the warped DNA courtesy of the Men of Letters. You looked around the room again. It had been awhile since you had checked the lights of the people around you, which made you on edge not knowing. Still human for now.

“Anyways,” Dean spoke up again pulling your attention back to him. “Once we figure out how to keep it open longer, it won’t be a cake walk. There’s actually other people besides them.”

“What people?” you found yourself asking, perplexed of the possibility that there were others.

“Um, well…Charlie for one.” Your eyes widen in surprise to his words as he continued. “I mean, it’s not really our Charlie. She’s from there. Of course I should probably bring back Ketch since he got stuck over there, and maybe a few others.”

“You mean the guy I met with your mom? He seemed like an uptight prick.”

Dean laughed at your comment while nodding in agreement. “Yeah, but it’s the right thing to do I suppose. I mean he did volunteer to go with me and help. Plus he had this whole thing going on with my mom.”

“Stepdaddy Ketchup, huh?” You grinned.

“Shut up,” he laughed as he threw a wadded up napkin at you.

“Make me,” you challenged with the grin still pressed on your face.

Deans mouth opened open as he clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth, wiggling his eyebrows at you with a shit eating grin on his face. The realization of what he was thinking dawned on you as you saw his light shift. You had said it couldn’t happen again, but after the day you had, and with the little help from the alcohol, why couldn’t you flirt a little?

“So Dean,” you said with a little purr in your voice. “What kind of things do you normally do with girls on a date?”

“This is a date?” He asked with some surprise.

“About a close to one as I’ve come to in long time,” you stated back. “By now I still wouldn’t know your name and I would probably be putting my clothes back on.”

“We’ve only been here about three hours Doc,” he laughed back making you suddenly feel like he was judging you. “But yeah, maybe another hour or so I would probably be doing the same thing. It’s easier to not get attached to someone sometimes.”

“You sound like you are speaking from experience there, Mr. Winchester.”

“You’re not psychoanalyzing me now, are you?”

“It’s a habit,” you shrugged while sitting back again. Suddenly you felt a cool shiver run down your spine that made your head snap behind you as Dean started to talk again. Dammit, vampires.

“I mean, I tried the whole dating thing once years ago, but she got hurt…and there was the kid…”

“Shut up,” you commanded while turning back to him.

“What?”

“I said shut up.” You growled lowly. “You see the three who just walked in. Two guys and that girl who looks like she is starved to death?”

“Yeah…” he said while glancing behind you.

“Vampires. Hungry ones.”

“So what do you want to do? We can’t exactly do it in here.”

“You got any weapons in that trunk of yours?”

“You have no idea,” he grinned smugly.

“Good. Get them. I’ll get them outside.”

“Wait, you’re not going over there as bait,” he protested.

“I’m not letting anyone else in here get hurt. Now either I go and get them outside or things might get ugly in here.”

He gave you a hard stare as his jaw clenched tightly. He wanted to argue, but this was not the time. You told him to leave acting like you had pissed him off, leaving you drunk and distressed for them to play right to you. He followed orders, throwing down some money on the table before looking annoyed and walking out. He didn’t have to really act, he was kind of pissed.

You downed the rest of you drink before slowly moving yourself over to them, adding a little stumble in your step to “roll” your ankle.

“Ow, God dammit,” you said as you used one of the guys shoulders to steady yourself up as you rubbed your ankle underneath you jeans. Looking up to his raised eyebrow and devilish grin, you smiled. “Sorry. I guess I had a few too many.”

“No problem,” he said while looking to where you came from. “Did your date leave you all alone?”

“His panties are all up in a bunch,” you rolled your eyes in annoyance while not telling a complete lie. “He thinks I can’t take care of myself”

“I’m sure you could,” his smile increasing. “Let us help you to your car, since you seem to have hurt your ankle there.”

“Promise you won’t bite?”

The two men laughed and looked back and forth to each other as they grabbed your arms. The girl trailed behind them slowly as you made your way outside. She was quiet… different. It almost looked like there was still humanity left in her.

As you got outside, you told them to stop as you fumbled in your purse for your “keys” while you walked a little bit away from them. You found what you were looking for, the little makeshift pepper spray bottle that had silver in it. Of course it wouldn’t really hurt them like it would a shifter or wolf, but it burned and blinded them just the same. As you felt a hand grab around your front, you aimed the bottle to where you hoped was their face as you slammed your head back knocking him down.

Dean yelled “Hey” loudly, making the other guy turn around from you quickly in a sharp motion in his tracks, ready to attack, as he tossed you a machete to your hand. Quick slices to their necks from both of you dropped them down with loud thuds. The girl was now on the ground, cowering while covering her head and sobbing frantically.

“Please don’t kill me!” She cried as Dean approached her.

“Dean, stop!” You yelled, stopping him dead in his tracks. Watching her shivering through her sobs, you felt a wave of empathy for her. She didn’t ask to be a monster, maybe she wasn’t really one. You slowly approached her and knelt down to her, only about a foot away. Dean shifted forward but you held up your hand in protest.

“We don’t have to kill you,” you spoke in almost a whisper. “Did you… have you fed yet?”

“No,” she sobbed while looking up to you. “They said they were going to find someone for me. A fresh dinner they said. They brought me here. I just want to go home!”

You looked up to Dean as you let out a deep breath.

“Dean, I’m going to need you to get us a few things.”

“Already on it,” he said while moving towards his car. His sudden reaction had you somewhat confused. Did he already know there was a cure for vampires if they didn’t drink?”

You brought your attention back to the young girl. Looking around at the mess of the headless bodies. There was work to be done. The motel next door could at least buy you some time, to help the girl out.

“I’m going to get you a room over there, okay?” You informed her as she looked over through her tears. “You are going to be alright. It’s not going to be fun, but we are going to get you back to normal. I know it is asking a lot, but trust us, okay?”

She nodded her head as the two of you got up. You gently put your hand on her back as Dean came back with a jar already prepared with what looked like the cure. You grabbed it from him and informed you were going to get her a room for the night. He nodded and moved the get working on clean up.

The motel clerk barely even looked you as he kept his focus on the little TV behind the counter.

“Do you have any conjoined rooms?”

“$180 a night,” he said while raising an eyebrow with a smug look.

You wanted to punch him for trying to rip you off, but you had a very hungry transitioning Vampire by your side. You rolled your eyes as you slammed down your black Visa card. He looked up at you and smirked while saying “per room.” Her groan on your side stopped you from slamming his head down into the desk making you seethe through your teeth to him to “just run the damn card and give me the keys”.

He took his time, but eventually you made your way with her to one of the rooms. Sitting her down you opened up the jar Dean had given you. The smell made you snap back your head as soon as it whiffed across your nose. Yup, it was the cure alright. You handed it to her, watching as she did the same reaction.

“Just chug it down. All of it,” you instructed while looking out the curtains. “You’re going to barf out your brains, but you will be human again after.”

“What… what did they turn me into? What were they?” She asked frantically.

“Vampires,” You blurted like it was an ordinary answer to her question, you could see the shock consume her as you just breathed out deeply. “Just drink it.”

She did as she was told and downed all the contents quickly, working through her gags at the taste. It only took a second before she was racing to the bathroom to start discarding her stomachs contents violently. The sound started to make your stomach turn, but even more so as you hoped Dean had the recipe right.

You had opened up the other room, making it easy to get in and out, since the need to probably pee at some point was going to come up while the bathroom was occupied. Pulling out your phone, you saw Deans number already programmed in. That little shit had gotten into your phone and put it in. You sent him a text telling him what room you were in as you sat back in the moth eaten chair, waiting for the poor girl to finish up.

Two hours later, she finally got it all up and out. She went to the bed and passed out almost immediately with an audible groan. You kept your guard watching her until you heard a knock on the door.

“Doc, it’s Dean.”

Opening up you saw him standing there, caked in dirt, blood, and guts from head to two. Moving to let him in he walked in quietly looking to the sleeping girl. You opened up the adjoining room door and led him through it before carefully shutting it almost all the way.

“She okay?” He whispered.

“I think so,” you replied as you moved sit on the bed. “How did you know about the cure?”

“Old Campbell family recipe,” he replied while shifting his weight. “We always keep some in the trunk just in case.”

“Yeah, well you probably saved her life,” you said back.

“Me? I was ready to kill her. If you hadn’t of stepped in I would have.”

“Yeah well, not everyone who looks like a monster is one,” you said while glancing back at the door, remembering Gabriel’s words to you all those years ago.

“So…” Dean spoke up again, making you look at him again. “Is this how all your dates end?”

“Only the bad ones,” you smiled.

“Next time we are doing something during the day. Maybe someplace warm. Like a beach. No people.”

“Next time, huh? Feeling confident there Winchester?” You laughed.

“Well I think you kind of owe me now,” he smirked. “I mean, this is the second time I’ve had to get rid of bodies for you.”

“My hero,” you laughed while rolling your eyes.

Looking at him there was a shine within the green of his eyes. Those damn green eyes. He was grinning back at you with a cocky smile, standing there completely filthy, but you had never wanted those lips on you more. Those arms, those hands…

Getting up from your spot you moved over to the bathroom and flicked on the light. You turned your head to Dean as you pulled up the hem of your shirt over your head and flung it to the ground.

“I think you need a shower badly, Mr.Winchester.”

It only took him a second to realize what you were offering. His quick response with no sight of hesitation threw you by surprise as he made his way to you while tearing off his clothes rapidly with every stride.

Grabbing you around your waist with his firm hands, he dropped his mouth down to your neck. His teeth and lips nipping at you with hunger, as you lifted your arms grasping and twisting his locks within your fingers. Inching up his hands to your breasts, the tickle of his calloused palms made you giggle. Turning around to face him, you backed away slowly leaning over to the shower and turning on the water.

Raising a finger to your lips for him to keep quiet, you worked your jeans and panties down your legs, exposing yourself fully to his lust filled stare. He approached you again, taking your face into both of his hands while pressing his lips against yours. The kiss was both passionate and sweet, switching between hungry mouths with wild tongues swirling around each other, to little soft pecks as you both caught your breath in between.

Carefully with one foot after another you both made your way into the shower that was now clouding the small room with hot steam, only breaking away from his lips for a second as you both watched your steps carefully. As you felt the warm water hitting your back, he pushed himself against you, pinning you to the wall as he grabbed your wrists and held them in his hands above your head.

He broke away and stared deeply into your eyes as you chest rose and fell with each deep breath as you tried to steady your pounding heart. Moving forward he gentle kissed your chin, nipping at it lightly with his teeth before trailing down to your neck again. Each movement was filled with teeth and tongue making your clench your thighs tightly together in response as you felt the shiver of pleasure race down.

Letting go, he let your aching arms drop to his shoulders as he continued to your chest. Swirling his tongue around your nipples, and taking them deep into his mouth like you were his last meal, he reached down, giving you another spark of pleasure while he moved his finger within your folds. Gently caressing back and forth he raised his face back to yours, watching your eyes flutter as he quickened his movements with each stroke, hitting that sweet spot every time.

He leaned in again and gave you another hungry kiss that was shorter before giving you a smirk and kneeling down before you. You watched him as he looked up and winked, licking his lips slowly before diving his face right into you. The slippery floors from the water hitting almost made you slip in surprise as you felt his tongue darting around every inch of your womanhood. You were like his own personal ice cream cone, that he happily licked up before you could melt all over his face. Teeth, lips, and tongue all hit you, keeping you in suspense as to what he was going to do next as you felt the shiver deepening through you, sending electrical pulses down to your toes.

You knew you were close to coming undone as the water splashed against your front and on his back, adding only more to the sensations moving through you. Grabbing at his hair you tugged lightly to keep your balance as he continued to work you, hitting every nerve with his movements and scratching at your thighs with the scruff on his face.

To your surprise he pulled away and lifted up from his knees looking intently into your eyes. He grabbed your left leg and pulled it around his waist, while you held onto his neck to keep from falling over. Lining up himself, he inches closer until you could feel his tip widening your entrance. Your foot started to slip as he pushed further and further in, making you pull him further down with your weight. He backed away slowly while dropping your leg down.

“Bed.” You both said together, making you giggle a little to his appreciative smile after.

Turning off the water you grabbed his hand, lacing his fingers in yours as you moved out of the stall. The fog danced around in circles around you until you made your way back to the room where the coolness of the AC running sent your nerves into shock. You dropped his hand and raced over to turn it off while yelling in a whisper.

“Jesus fucking Christ, that’s cold!”

He spun you around to him, holding your arms within his hands as you stared up through your lashes.

“Let me warm you up.”

A grin grew on your lips as you leaned in, placing a gentle kiss in his cheek.

“Just not like last time,” you smiled. “I was still sore two days later. I don’t want the theatrics, I just want you.”

He nodded before pulling you again to his chest, your hands once more wrapping around his neck as his lips found your again. Slowly together you made your way way over to the bed where he carefully allowed you to fall down while he stood patiently until you were comfortable. Keeping his weight on his hands and knees, he moved over you, caging you against the mattress as he leaned in again to your lips.

He lowered down carefully, moving his hips to yours. You automatically wrapped your legs around him, pulling him deeper to your waiting entrance. Slowly he moved into you, deeper than before as you pulled him in with your legs tightening around him. You wrapped your arms around his torso, pulling his chest to become flush onto yours.

His thrusts were slow but sharp, hitting exactly where you needed him to. Stifled moans escaped your lips into his gaping mouth. Quickening with each movement you moved and burrowed your head deep into his shoulder, pulling him tighter to you as the waves of electricity rolled down and down while he continued to bring you closer to the edge. He didn’t cease or falter as the sweat of his skin met yours. Two hot messes lost within each other in a pure moment of bliss.

His breaths quickened while you felt your insides clenching down around him, ready to release the flood that was begging to let out with every flick of his hips. Two more hard thrusts and you unraveled underneath him, feeling his release mixing with yours.

The two of you just laid there, his head now resting on your shoulder making you feel his complete weight crushing down on you. You were so numb and tingly, that you didn’t even care. He was actually probably keeping you down, grounded back to earth as your body felt as light as air. Making you groan a little in detest, he rolled over to the side, still trying to catching his breath.

“Wow,” he breathed out heavy.

“Wow yourself there, Winchester,” you smiled while turning your head to face his beaten red face.

He turned himself to face you, with an appreciative smile planted on his face. Moving a stray hair out of you face, he gazed lovingly into your eyes.

“How are you just so perfect?”

You let out a quick laugh while rolling your eyes. “I’m far from perfect, Dean. I’m a freak remember?”

The happy mood you were in was now swiftly fading as reality hit you again. Monsters wanting you, a helpless girl in the other world needing you, and not to forget whatever mess that was waiting in another world all mixed into your already more than complicated existence. You went to look away from him as you got lost in your thoughts, but he brought your gaze back to him with the slightest touch of his finger.

“Y/N, no matter what you may be thinking right now , no matter what happened in the past, to me you are perfect just the way you are,” he said as he looked right into your eyes, letting you know what he was saying came from the heart. “I know this is sappy, and you probably want to just leave now, but I had to say it.”

“No,” you said with a little smile as you moved over and nestled into him with your hand resting on his chest. “I want to be right here. This feels like home.”

Keep reading

Tags: @jaylarkson @waywardbaby @snffbeebee@iamabeautifulperson18 @19agbrown @midnightsilver @wildefire@hobby27 @sonotalice @drakelover78 @pisces-cutie @i-hear-crazy-calling-my-name

#supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fandom #spn s13 #spn spoilers #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #dean x sam x reader #dean x reader #dean smut #spn angst #spn fluff #spn fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction

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pokibal2001 · 6 years

Note

3. Surprise Kiss with Older!Manny/Frida

Hi, @mygardenofmuses?! It’s good to see you again! And thanks for the ask but… Actually, despite my avid reading in romance books, I’m not that well-experienced in writing kissing scenes but regardless, I’ll do the short story with the best I can! ^_^

This short one-short takes place a few years after the events of C: TATD. and there might slight spoilers here and there… Don’t worry too much about it, just enjoy the ride!

—

“C’mon, you slowpoke! The cafe’s right there!” Frida exclaimed impatiently, pointing her finger wildly at the front entrance of said cafe.

“You know I’m right ahead of you, right?” Manny deadpanned bemusedly, crossing his arms with a smirk on his face.

The blue-haired gal snorted in amusement as she fastened her walking pace, “Of course I do. Just saying we should hurry a little.”

“Right… Is it because you can’t skipping?” jested the curly-haired teen, the smirk on his face growing bigger.

Frida huffed, “I can be patient! I’m just super excited, that’s all.”

Manny chuckled humorously, shaking his head. Frida had always been a super energetic girl, regardless of having powers or no powers. Granted, she has a really good reason to be quite excited about this particular occasion.

The cafe they were about to visit was a branch belonging to one of the most successful companies in the world that specializes in hipster-themed food and drinks that are both tasty and popular.

Manny couldn’t blame Frida for stirring in such pure excitement, because this cafe was exactly the type of place that served the blue-haired teen’s favourite types of meals. It helps that the cafe also allowed a venue opened for any local bands to perform.

For Frida, this was a dream come true for an aspiring rock star like her. Not only does she get to enjoy delicious meal that catered to her tastes, she also gets the chance for her band to organize a concert there!

She just has to scout out the place first, just so that it wasn’t a case of ‘too good to be true’ type of situation.

They had been burned by those cases before, especially during their stint in the the Ghost Zone. A realm of the afterlife so different from the Lands of the Dead.

(Frida and Sam still kept close contact with each other, despite what had happen. And Manny was too grateful for what Danny had done to help them when they were lost in those shadowy green depths)

Nonetheless, Frida was radiating optimism all over. If she’s happy, Manny was also happy and that was good enough for him. It helps that the curly-haired superhero was also thrilled about the occasion, but for completely different reasons.

Frida swung the glass doors opened, causing them to bang loudly against the brick wall so hard that Manny was surprised they hadn’t cracked from the force yet.

Multiple irked glances were sent their way but Manny, who was used to these type of stares in regards to their respective eccentricities, merely shrugged them off nonchalantly as he accompanied Frida towards the nearest table.

Since he was the first to reach the table, Manny was quick to pull out a chair for Frida before he quickly plopped down on his own seat. The blue-haired musician raised a curious eyebrow at her best friend’s odd sense of courtesy but simply shrugged and sat down on her chair.

“Oooh, look at the food!” Frida squealed as she licked her lips, “Manny, do you want chicken taquitos or steak burritos?”

Manny squinted his eyes at his own menu with wide smile, looking just as interested, “Hmm, they look pretty good! I think I’ll choose-”

“AAHHH, MONSTER!”

“Muahahahaha! Kneel before my knees, Miracle City!” A annoyingly familiar voice of a mad scientist gloated.

There were numerous screams from the outside, the open windows of the cafe revealing several terrified civilians running for their lives from what seems to be a monster made of guacamole.

Manny immediately smacked his face against the cloth-covered table, his chocolate brown eyes twitching as he moaned in pure vexation.

“Ai… Why now…?” The superhero-on-break groaned aloud.

Frida simply huffed, crossing her arms as a flash of frustration crossed her narrowed blue eyes.

“Dr. Chipotle Jr. again?” The rock star snorted, “You got to be kidding me, of all the rotten luck-”

“El Tigre! Come out, come out wherever you are!”

“Is he still sore about that?” Manny grumbled, peering up at Frida.

The blue-haired gal hummed in contemplation as she rubbed her chin, “Well… He stopped sending me love letters, so that’s a plus.”

Reluctantly standing up from his seat, Manny sighed, “Let’s just get this over with.”

‘Now I know how Danny feels when ghosts barged into his personal time. Mine are freaking supervillains!’ Manny thought to himself in sympathy.

—

Half an hour later, with the screaming Dr Chipotle Jr. and his defeated Guacamole monster sent flying off into the air…

—

Unfortunately, the ensuring altercation between Manny and Frida’s heroic alter-egos with Dr Chipotle Jr. caused a lot more collateral damage than either hero had expected.

Frida, having dispelled the magic of her super suit, ran in front of the rubble from the destroyed cafe. Slamming both of her hands against her cheeks as she kneeled down and wailed, “NOOOOOO! Not the cafe!”

El Tigre walk towards the distraught musician and crouched down beside her, a sympathetic grimace on his face as he unsheathed his right claw and rubbed her back soothingly.

“Don’t worry, Frida,” He reassured her, “The cafe will get repaired soon enough!”

Frida’s lips trembled for a bit when all of a sudden, her bluebelle eyes brightened. The expression on her face suddenly lit up in such a manner that made the tiger superhero wary, wearing a specific type of expression that he recognized all too well.

It was her crafty face, the kind Frida normally showed when they schemed together their usual array of pranks during their younger years.

Not that they stopped playing pranks since then, but growing older also came with a lot of priority juggling in their lives. They’re still bonafide pranksters at their peak of their youth, but it’s just… They don’t do it as often as they used to.

Shaking the negative thoughts away from his head (It seems even he got the ‘Ghost Zone’ angst crawling in his head, as jokingly dubbed by his fellow Nicktoons), El Tigre stared pointedly at the devious-looking rock star.

Normally, he’d happily go along with any scheme Frida makes up in her head just like how she also go along with his cunning plans of mischief for the sake of fun and giggles.

However, considering how excited she was to have a day of their own spending time at the cafe that she wants to visit…

“Frida…” the tiger superhero spoke slowly, “What are you planning?”

The blue-haired musician turned to him with a wide, mischievous smile on her face as she said, “How about we invite Timmy here and ask him to make wish for us?”

“No,” El Tigre’s reply was swift and she deflated in reply, which causes him to quickly say, “If it was any other day, I wouldn’t mind! But I don’t feel like doing clean up duty to today if any of Timmy’s wishes went wrong.”

Frida puffed her cheeks in dismay as she protested, “Aww, I wanted the cafe to be fixed quickly! What about Tak? His magic can fix this too!”

Flicking his belt, Manny’s super suit dissolved away as he shrugged at her, “We can ask Ladybug or the Winx for help. Their restoration magic are way more reliable than both Timmy’s and Tak’s.”

Both of them stood up, settling in walking towards whatever direction opposite of the ruined cafe. Frida playfully narrowed her eyes at Manny as she faux-punched his shoulder, “Since when did you get so sensible?”

Manny chuckled bemusedly, “Well… Who else have to be the responsible boyfriend in this relationship?”

Frida’s eyes widened, “Responsi-”

Her boyfriend swiftly leaned forward, stopping just right in front of her face before planting a quick peck on her lips and Frida was too dumbfounded to react.

Manny smirked as he backed away, “That’s revenge for stealing my first kiss, Frida.”

His girlfriend blinked owlishly, before shaking her head and laughed, “You silly! If you want a kiss so much, just ask!”

Manny spread his arms wide in invitation with a shit-eating grin, “Then I humbly ask you, Frida Suarez, to kiss me senseless.”

“The answer is YES!” Frida exulted, jumping straight into Manny’s arms and passionately made out with him in the middle of the streets, uncaring of the horrified glances other people gave them from across the road.

“I love you, Frida,” Manny whispered softly between his breaths.

Frida smiled joyously in reply, “Love you too, silly.”

—

Omake time!

“Do I even want to know?” Marinette deadpanned, easily noticing the obnoxious-looking kiss marks on both Manny and Frida’s blushing faces.

“Yep!” “Sure!” The two teenaged lovers exclaimed together, with Manny’s arm around Frida’s waist as he pulled her closer to him.

The French-Asian woman shook her head and smiled bemusedly as she replied, “Never mind, I don’t want to know.”

“Ladybug!” Bloom called out from above, the guardian fairy of the Dragon Fire having finished her inspection of the ruined cafe, “I think we can do a simple two-person Convergence Resonance for the Restoration spell!”

“Oh right, the Miraculous Ladybug?” Manny smirked while Frida snorted beside him.

The spotted heroine stumbled and stammered, “I was only thirteen that time! How am I supposed to know it was too long!?”

“But it’s so mouthy,” jested Frida loudly, as Manny burst out in boisterous laughter, “Why not just call it, the fix-it-up-all spell?”

Marinette covered her face with her hands, “Where’s Chat when I need him to dig me a hole.”

Bloom fluttered beside the heroine of Creation, a sympathetic smile on the princess of Domino’s face, “You’re not the only one with embarrassing spell names.”

Marinette just groaned.

—

I hope you’ll enjoy reading this kissing prompt, @mygardenofmuses! I bet you’ll know full well who are the new characters that will appear in C:TATD!

#fanfic #nicktoons #ask

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weoutherelike-blog · 6 years

Text

The Naughty List

‘Tis the night before Christmas and all through the house, every flat surface of the living room is occupied by your lounging family members. Your beautiful family is painted with TV lights over a countenance of holiday bliss and you can’t stop admiring them. It’s quiet and peaceful and you’re surrounded by the people you love most in the world, together sharing this moment. You’re so proud.

Then you notice I’m on your television. You turn up the volume just a little bit, careful not to wake up you-know-who that’s always the first one asleep. I’m doing a press conference. You remember that I’m not likely to do press conferences, but I’m on every channel and I’m not answering your texts, so you start to believe the impossible.

I’ve invented a machine that enables you to experience your heart’s deepest desires. It manipulates the brain in precise patterns that it can run all your fantasy simulations subconsciously, and it’s done in such an authentic and believable way that you’ll have sharp and lasting memories about living out your dream scenario. Some Very Important People have already agreed it’s one-hundred percent effective, having each been given a demonstration. Everyone is now discussing what’s to be done with my machine.

You’ve been watching the conference for a while and it’s past bedtime but since I’ve made possibly the most groundbreaking discovery of all time, everyone gets to stay up a little longer. You learn that the machine has no way to record the adventure it sends someone on, so each fantasy stays private and locked within the vault of your own mind. You’re free to live out the life you’ve always wanted. Marry into royalty. Be the most famous person on the planet. Do the weird sexual stuff you don’t have the guts to actually try. Live out the plot of Blade Runner and be the one who Runs all the Blades (I’ve never seen the movie). It takes only seconds to use for a lifetime of incredible memories, and can be beamed remotely into your head so you won’t even have to leave your chair.

You also learn that I’m the only person who can operate the device, so the government, in a fit of holiday spirit, has kindly allowed me to keep my machine under the condition that they never have to wait in line to use it.

We’re reached the grand finale of my speech: I have a December 24th gift for everyone. Any person, anywhere, can earn earn a turn with my machine exactly one year from now. For the next three-hundred sixty-five days, each of you will accumulate points for day-to-day acts of kindness that are deemed worthy and the results will be displayed on the back of your left hand. It is up to you to discover which acts will earn you a go with my machine.

It would be dumb not to try.

My awkward announcement to all people of all nations ends with instructions to have a good night and sleep well, since the game begins as soon as you wake up in the morning. Your family excitedly doubts anyone will sleep tonight, then gets extra hugs and scrambles off to bed. Visions of sugarplums dance in your heads.

You wake to a shift in the atmosphere. Today everything feels a bit more special. Your family is smiling with sincerity in all the photos. You hear “please” and “thank you” and “you’re so welcome” as gifts are unwrapped in a calm and orderly fashion. True gratitude is being expressed at dinner, actual compliments are passed around, everyone notices the decorations you spent so much time on. Every so often, you see the number increase on the back of your hand. It’s happening to every one of you and the kids shout in delight each time their tally grows. It’s one of the most satisfying and fulfilling days you’ve ever had. No one bickered, no one felt excluded, nobody was put upon or overwhelmed. Each of you were the best versions of yourselves today. The points are a nice bonus.

The next day is even better. You hold the door for a stranger and your total rises. You pay for a co-worker’s coffee and get a little boost. All the while, every person you encounter is the friendliest you’ve ever seen them, and you begin to notice little changes in each person’s face when they score big. Internal celebrations seep into subtle smiles and the vibe of wellbeing intensifies. The rough edges you’re so used to seem softer. By dinnertime, everyone has heard of The List that’s being crowdsourced online of every scoring action and the average point gains being reported from around the world. Later in the week you watch a news report confirming that I’ve seen this list, and checked it thoroughly twice before authorizing it. You call me to see how I’m doing (3 points) and congratulate me on how my hair looked in that last interview (point), and ask for a few hints between friends for some higher-earning deeds.

Your Facebook friends are sharing their scores with palpable glee. Twitter is flooded with tips and tricks to maximize your daily average. Everyone’s Snapchat story includes video of them handing a water bottle to a homeless man or donating clothes to Goodwill. You can’t remember feeling more upbeat and motivated. You challenge yourself for weeks to beat your previous day’s score. Your boss gives you a promotion while eagerly staring at the back of his hand. The lady whose car you back into in front of the Chipotle gives you a hug to calm your nerves and offers you the extra guac they gave her inside. Celebrity scores become a hot topic and the most popular Reddit thread is a stream of fantasy synopses that you can sort by popularity for ideas.

These are the new best days of your life. A month later, the news is suddenly dominated by reports of people scamming the system. A young man in the South found out he could score points by signing up to volunteer, even if he didn’t show up to help. Two businessmen in South Africa racked up high scores for the hundreds of fake charities they created. A new rule was implemented: anyone caught cheating is now being publicly shamed for their punitive point losses in a document with a complicated military code for a name. Everyone just calls it The Naughty List.

A few weeks later, there’s a ripple of panic worldwide as people slowly notice their default point-earning actions are bringing in lower and lower numbers each day. You’re pretty annoyed at the grocery store when you’re only getting one point per cart you give up to someone else in the entrance. And when you bump into your ex’s new partner in line at the gas station, you nod at them politely three times but nothing even happens. Not one single point. It’s frustrating.

There’s a conspiracy theory going around that points are somehow tied into the significance of the action. It seems that robotically performing the same actions won’t cut it anymore. You aim higher, and the reward is worth the extra effort.

At least you’re not one of the disgraced people whose points fell when they were caught shoplifting or bullying or shaming a mother for breastfeeding. You’ve always been a good person. You check the total on your hand reassuringly throughout the day as you flip back and forth between the 24-hour televised coverage of the Naughty List’s newest inductees and the 24-hour countdown until next Christmas.

One day a woman in Bangladesh leaves her long-time abuser and that evening she’s an international news story for having gained the highest amount of points for a single achievement. It’s a game-changer once everyone realizes that taking care of yourself is a high-scoring act of kindness. Therapists become the highest paid, most sought after career. Suicide-line callers generate as many points as suicide-line volunteers. Checking into rehab nets people so many points that facilities set up overflow units. And you notice the change in your own life: finally making an appointment with your dentist got you points. Asking your friend to talk you through that panic attack got you points. You get more points than you can believe when you treat yourself to a massage for the first time in your life.

Yesterday, a senator abolished private prisons and jumped up to the top score in his country. Today, there’s a mad rush for all the political parties of the world to solve all of humanity’s problems. Global trends are analyzed. Low-scoring people are being shunned and anyone with a negative score is rounded up for questioning. You’re currently at a Walmart, loading up on 50 pound bags of dog food to bring to the animal shelter. You only manage to grab three because two other guys had the same idea and you had to argue over them. Now your good deed is making you late for work and you’re on edge, so when the cashier asks you how many dogs you have, you snap at her that it’s none of her business. You can feel everyone’s eyes on your back as your immediate area goes quiet. One whole point slides from your hand. You’re mortified. You’re apologizing profusely but the customers are already passing around a silent look of distaste at you. “You better watch out,” one of them says as tears well in your eyes. “And no use crying or pouting about it.”

You call me a few days later to confess to The Incident and describe your great remorse while asking if the Naughty List is a permanent thing. I could tell you were disappointed that I don’t have the power to give or take points, but it’s still nice to hear from you and I wish I could talk longer but participation in the game has far exceeded my initial forecast. So I’ve been working on a way to amplify my machine’s signal in order to beam everyone’s ultimate fantasies into their heads simultaneously to everyone in the world in just one night. I even opened a facility up north and hired some seasonal interns to help me.

It’s sweet of you to call, though. You glance at your hand hopefully.

It’s now been most of a year and you’re living in a utopian society. Everyone is on their best behavior. Everyone is practicing self-care. Life as we know it has drastically shifted. We’re curing diseases with all the money that everyone can afford to donate with the enormous cost-of-living wage increase everyone was given (corporations discovered they can score points of their own). You went back to school to learn that thing you’ve always wanted to try, resulting in an even hundred points, so you’re riding high. That single point on the Naughty List hasn’t haunted you for months. You give everyone on the street a friendly greeting because one out of 30 scores you a point or two and it’s just good math. And everyone smiles back, so it’s win-win.

December rolls around again and the perfect world is in a fever pitch. Rival Good Guy Gangs are fighting to show each other up with huge point pools. Your score is no longer a protected status for discrimination in the workplace, but you get two points for the email you wrote thanking your CEO for the opportunity after you’re replaced with someone almost double your score. The Top Ten are the most venerated human beings in modern history. The two Lists are dominating headlines and infographics came back into fashion. You’ve been perfecting your most wished-for fantasy in your head instead of looking for jobs.

Your family hasn’t spent much time together after the basic interactions were overused into low-score territory. The easy ones like reading to the kids, making lunch for the family, letting you-know-who sleep in so they won’t be so grumpy - none of them come with a reward anymore so everyone has moved on to grander undertakings. Keeping up with your point-league is starting to become a full time job, but not one that pays the bills. Your face hurts from smiling at every. goddamn. person you cross paths with and you’ll never admit how jealous it makes you that you that the idiot who almost got you expelled in high school managed to pull eight bodies from a burning building AND rescue a litter of puppies all in one week. It totally threw off your racket.

There are only a few days left until I load The Lists into my machine, tune into the brains of the Worthy, and make everyone’s dreams appear to come true. You’re broke and exhausted from shopping for 156 more people than usual, crossing your fingers that it’ll buy you a few more points in the home stretch. You stood in line at the post office for 90 minutes to send me a package of homemade cookies. You’ve been sitting in your car for a half an hour trying to talk yourself out of flaking on your volunteer shift at the Complimentary Compliment Call Center for the second time this month. It all seems so fake, anyway. Every action is in the pursuit of points. You’re just glad that the game is almost over.

Your entire family is relieved on Christmas Eve. You made it. Of course, the fantasy world you’re about to experience is exciting, but you haven’t felt this relaxed all year. The family decides you’re so close to the deadline now that a few more points won’t matter, and everyone should just focus on having a nice holiday without the pressure of the numbers on your hands. You love your family even more for the suggestion, and you all sit down for dinner with the most legitimate smiles you’ve smiled in too long. It feels good to just drop the veneer and be yourself. You laugh together and feel free together and eat way too much and enjoy all the things you missed most. Then you all retire to the living room in a content stupor and take up your usual positions in front of the Countdown timer on TV. This is it - what you’ve worked hard all year for. The timer ticks down the last remaining seconds. You survey your family one last time before it hits zero.

The people you love most in the world, together sharing this moment. You’re so proud.

Then you notice I’m on your television having some sort of press conference about a machine I invented and you’re surprised to see me on TV, especially since you know I’m not likely to do press conferences. You fumble for the volume on the remote to hear what’s going on. You turn it up, but just a bit, so that you don’t wake up you-know-who.

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wifeymomz · 4 years

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PREGGO JOURNEY

We were instructed to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after our insemination. Wifey was working the midnight shift, so she was on her way home. I woke up and had to use the restroom already so I couldn’t wait. I took the pregnancy test with wifey on the speaker and after a minute it had the + sign which meant we were pregnant!!! i screamed and started crying (of course). We couldn’t believe it! Was the test correct? Were we really pregnant? It was a Friday, so I couldn’t go into the lab until Monday where they would draw blood and check my HCG levels to confirm that I was pregnant. I can’t remember, but I believe I had to do this blood draw twice to make sure that the HCG levels were increasing, which they were!!! Looking back I wish we had told our parents in a special way, but we just called them to let them know we were pregnant. Of course both sides were excited since this would be their first grandchild. On a side note, this was new for both sides of our families so had to educate everyone on the process of how we got pregnant.

FIRST TRIMESTER: morning sickness/nausea galore! I was at work and I was craving french fries. One of my coworkers surprised me with McDonalds french fries (my fave at the time). For lunch, I had chicken and broccoli that I had warmed up. The smell of the broccoli started to make me feel nauseous which it normally didn’t so I couldn’t eat it. I started eating the fries which were delicious. We had a OT followed by a rehab meeting that afternoon and I drove to our other center in East Oakland. When I got there, I felt so nauseous I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Every time, I sat down and thought I was okay I ended up running to the bathroom several times to throw up. Unfortunately, this was how I let our rehab team know the news. For weeks, I relied on saltine crackers, ginger tea and ginger chews. I had them next to the bed, in the car and at work. Every morning, I ate a few saltine crackers to decrease my chance of getting nauseous which helped 50% of the time. I had to call off of work more often that I wanted. We had our 12 week appointment where we would have an ultrasound of the baby. To be honest, I was beyond nervous for this appointment because I had a few friends that had this appointment where they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I always try to stay positive but also didn’t want to be disappointed if I had my hopes too high. Wifey and I went to this appointment and there was the baby! Our eyes watered as we looked at each other and the ultrasound. I had to take the glucose test (where you drink that sugary drink) to determine if I was diabetic since diabetes runs in my family. Luckily I got the results back and they were within normal limits. We shared the news with the rest of our families and friends during Thanksgiving. During this time, I mostly craved soups and spicy food plus it worked out since it was the fall/winter season.

SECOND TRIMESTER: nausea & horrible headaches continued until 20 weeks then all of a sudden it disappeared. I’ll never forget we had a thanksgiving potluck at work and all the smells made me nauseous. I tried to eat a little bit but I had such a horrible headache. I took tylenol and ended throwing it up. It was the end of the day and I still had to drive home in 45 minutes of traffic. I felt fine until I was 15 minutes from home and felt like throwing up. I found a plastic bag in my lunch bag and threw up while I was driving (should’ve pulled over). Then I realized the bag had a hole and stuffed the bag in a ziplock bag. What a mess. I almost made it home but had to throw up more and it ended up all over my lap (yuck). I tried calling wifey but she didn’t answer. I got into the house so pissed from embarrassment that I took ti out on her. She asked how i was doing and I screamed…DON’T LOOK AT ME. To this day, we both still laugh about it. I went straight to the shower and washed off. At our 20 week appointment, this is where we went in not only to find out the gender but where they look at the anatomy of the baby. Gosh this appointment was so uncomfortable because they had to poke and prod at different areas of my abdomen and try to make baby move to change positions. At one point, they asked me to use the restroom to see if that would help the baby move. Thank goodness it worked. She put the results in an envelope for us to give to my cousin, Lyss, for our gender reveal. Honestly, I would've waited until birth to find out baby’s gender but of course wifey wanted to know beforehand. The whole time everyone kept telling me I was having a boy, so I started to believe that. I asked wifey if she cared what we were having and she said no. We had picked out names beforehand for a boy and a girl. We waited until March to do our gender reveal just based on when my in-laws were back in town and the availability of the community room we wanted to reserve. Finally, March 7th came around and we found out we were having a girl. Bless my cousin, Lyss, who held onto this secret for so long!!!

At one of my appointments, I had to do the blood glucose test again which i think is pretty standard. The results showed that my blood glucose was slightly elevated! Wahhhh! That meant I had to do the 3 hour glucose test at the lab. I had to fast beforehand then had my blood drawn and at the one-, two-, and three-hour marks after I drank that sugary drink. It was torture being pregnant and hungry! was already hungry to begin with because I had to fast then wait another 3 hours before I could eat while drinking those sugary drinks. I definitely didn’t feel good that’s for sure. After the test, I drove straight to Chipotle and got a burrito bowl and devoured it! The results came back and one of my values were elevated so they referred me to a dietician. We reviewed that I should eat more protein and less carbs because carbs equals sugar.

Side note: One of my close friends gave birth around this time and told me her birth story and let’s just say it got me thinking. Up until this point, I wasn’t sure what our birth plan would be but it made me think that I didn’t want the epidural and wanted to do unmedicated…

THIRD TRIMESTER

We went on our baby moon in Hawaii at 32 weeks. Flight was slightly tough since I couldn’t sit for long periods of time and needed to get up to either use the restroom or walk up and down the aisle. We definitely enjoyed ourselves by eating all the food and lounging at the beach (our favorite).This trimester, I was definitely bigger and more swollen especially in my hands and feet. I had to use a reacher to reach for clothes in the washing machine and wear compression stockings which were so hard to put on. I was still pretty active overall…walked everywhere, a little slower of course, and still did things around the house. Wifey would say, you’re so active, sometimes I forget you're pregnant haha. This trimester prepares you for a life of no sleep because I would try to find a comfortable position, then had to go to the bathroom multiple times then have a hard time falling asleep again. Plus this is when baby girl was the most active, kicking and rolling around in my tummy. To be honest, that’s the part I miss the most is feeling her movement inside me. Wifey loved it when she could feel baby girl kick and move; she’d always sing and play the ukulele for her and read to her.

Luckily Kaiser offered classes for free so of course I took all of them from breastfeeding to postpartum care to birth preparation (where they discussed the different options for pain management). At this point, I was set on an unmedicated birth. I didn’t want the epidural because I wanted to be able to move around when I needed to and I didn’t want the other pain medications because I didn’t want it to cross the placenta and affect the baby, but they did discuss nitrous oxide which was a gas that I might consider. They had us practice various positions and strategies to manage the contractions too. I remember they had us put a clothespin on the skin of our forearm and try to breath through the discomfort for one minute. At home, we practiced with an ice cube (a tip I got from someone on facebook). I would hold the ice cube in my hand for one minute while trying to breathe and wifey would try the different positions we learned in class. I also did a tour of the hospital twice (Kaiser Walnut Creek)…once with my MIL because they had the midwives present for Q&A since and she was available to come with me and another time with wifey when she had a day off. During this tour, they showed us “room 7” which was the only room with a tub. They had mentioned it is first come first serve and women with unmedicated birth plans take priority. Luckily at this hospital, the midwives are assigned unless the birthing person prefers not to have a midwife or they have complications that require an OB. Our ultimate goal: have a midwife and be in room 7

I took the month off before babygirl’s due date to be at home, rest (I was getting much more tired from the commute to and from work and hated being in the car that long), nest (get everything ready) and spend time with wifey since it would be our last month of just the two of us.

#lgbtfamily #donorconceived

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frambuazlicheesecakeblr-blog · 7 years

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Car Insurance Tips

Consistently, a great many Americans chow down on sustenance while sitting in the driver's seat with no indication of a delay. May they be knee-somewhere down in the regular drive, espresso and doughnuts good to go, or on a family street trip with a Big Kahuna burger, there's no denying the way that Americans won't dither to eat while driving.

In any case, in all actuality, the greater part of us really detest eating while at the same time driving. Since we surge, certain nourishments can never really be delighted inappropriately. We continually expect that we will smack into somebody mid-chomp. Furthermore, a fat glob of ketchup dependably appears to wind up on our shirt as we maneuver into the workplace parking area.

To begin with individual perspective of driving an auto

Driving an auto exhibits a wide range of dangers, and diversions are wherever | iStock.com

So what nourishments are perfect for when the open street calls? We're not looking at encouraging on a few fries, biting on a Snickers bar, or slurping down a smoothie here — nearly anybody can deal with that sort of light brushing while at the same time being in the driver's seat. We're discussing full dinners and filling ones at that. The sort of support that is intended to keep the yearning wolf under control, all while giving a driver the capacity to drive with certainty.

Try not to misunderstand us: We comprehend that not every person has the advantage of having the capacity to toss the auto in stop with a specific end goal to make the most of their day by day measurements of oily goodness. As a flourishing industrialist culture, a considerable lot of us have gatherings, due dates, lunch meetings, and strict timetables to maintain. So to enable you to choose what sustenances work best in the driver's seat and in addition what to keep away from, here are a modest bunch of travel-measure culinary alternatives.

The great

1. Infant burritos and balanced wraps

Two meat burritos with vegetables served on a plate

A very much built burrito or wrap can be effortlessly expended while driving | Thinkstock

Here is a basic offering that works great in the driver's seat. We're not discussing that 45-pound Chipotle immensity that is blasting at the creases, however, a substantially littler, firmly moved victual that can be contained in thwart and loaded with nutritious goodness.

The fixing decisions for sustenances like this are unending, including a Greek feta and hummus veggie wrap to a burned steak burrito. Planning time for this street inviting blowout is insignificant also. What's more, for those of us who are really in a surge, Taco Bell has everybody canvassed in the burrito office, while Wendy's offers various wrap alternatives.

2. Perfectly fabricated breakfast rolls

Brilliant bacon cheddar bread rolls with nectar margarine

Bacon cheddar bread rolls with nectar margarine are filling and simple to eat in a hurry | Christine Skopec/The Cheat Sheet

There's something soothing about having an oily breakfast scone before anything else while in transit to work. Toss a few eggs, cheddar, and bacon between its cushy creases, and you have a filling feast that is anything but difficult to employ. Not having a huge amount of garnishes or sauces absolutely helps, and on the grounds that breakfast sandwiches are normally genuinely little, the one-game snatch is key with this one.

Simply make sure to decide on a singed egg, as fried eggs can get brittle, and over-simple yolks are no joke when they spill on those newly squeezed khakis. Need a sound contrasting option to ham, wiener, and bacon? Take a stab at singing some cut turkey bosom with a little grapeseed oil for a new turn on protein.

3. Smaller calzones

A crisply slice calzone is prepared to be served for eating

A crisply cut calzone is an extraordinary substitute for pizza when you're driving your auto and need a snappy chomp | iStock.com

While pizza might be impossible when the time has come to drive, its alienated cousin, the calzone, is still particularly a contender. With its thick, raw external layer and endless filler alternatives, the calzone stands tall when it's an ideal opportunity to get a chomp to go.

Key tips for requesting or making a low-support calzone are straightforward: Don't try too hard on the sauce (or decide on a garlic-olive oil base rather), keep it to a modest bunch of fixings to forestall crumbling, and recollect that an excess of cheddar will cause a stringy chaos that is difficult to oversee.

4. Savvy scones

Brilliant hued chocolate chip scones new out of the stove with drain

In case you're longing for something sweet while out and about, chocolate chip scones are a sure thing | iStock.com

Individuals dependably think about a scone as this gently sweetened cake that is useful for breakfast, and they don't think significantly more remote than that. Scones are one of those nourishments that are really marvelous when they're salty and flavorful as well, with a portion of the better ones offering a considerable lot of similar garnishes you would discover on a pizza or a sandwich. Scones don't require two hands to eat them, they can be pressed loaded with any sort of protein, and they require almost no tidy up. So when examining Panera in the morning, keep those eyes open for a flavorful scone for the street ahead.

5. Predominant sushi

A man puts a little measure of rice on kelp while making sushi

Sushi rolls can be an awesome contrasting option to standard sushi when you're driving | Neilson Barnard/Getty Images

Sushi is one of those sensitive sustenances that is intended for table utilization, alongside soy sauce, wasabi, and cups of purpose. While more often than not this ends up being the situation, there is one in number special case, and that is the sushi roll. With adaptable "Tram style" sushi joints like Fusian flying up crosswise over America, this remote delicacy is rapidly turning into a standard feast for anybody in a rush.

Basically, anything can be tossed into a sushi roll, and we exceptionally prescribe getting one where the ocean growth is outwardly so as to shield the rice from falling onto the plank of flooring. When requesting, inquire as to whether sauces can be moved into the sushi to dodge any soy sauce setbacks, and dependably ensure the move stays uncut and wrapped in thwart or saran wrap so it can be eaten like a burrito.

The terrible

1. Disastrous espresso

An espresso mug sits on an auto in a parking area

Drinking espresso while driving may appear to be sufficiently simple, yet you're more inclined to spillage than you might suspect | Thinkstock

While it may not be a nourishment as such, espresso absolutely has turned out to be synonymous with the day by day drive. Once considered an extravagance around the workplace, this jazzed creation has turned into a worker go-to as far back as the appearance of the to-go glass. With Starbucks drive-through eateries developing in prominence, it doesn't give the idea that this hazardous type of drinking and pushing is leaving at any point in the near future.

One thing a significant number of us neglect to see, however, is that espresso causes a larger number of mischances than some other absorbable item. As indicated by a report by Wired, a large number of free investigations have demonstrated that espresso keeps on being the essential guilty party with regards to nourishment related car crashes. Burning hot measures of fluid, a clueless lap, a shaky plastic top, and surge hour movement truly appear like the ideal formula for calamity once they're altogether joined.

2. Bulky cheeseburgers

A cheeseburger with onions

Burgers and autos don't blend, unless you're stopped | iStock.com

Burgers have turned out to be so synonymous with American fast food culture that it's difficult to consider current existence without them. Go by a drive-through on any offered lunch reprieve and you'll see many hungry individuals sitting tight in their autos for their to-go feast.

Be that as it may, have you at any point seen somebody in a business really begin to tackle a succulent burger with only one hand? We didn't think so. These oily Goliaths are absolutely a two-gave issue, and anybody sufficiently challenging to endeavor a one-gave way to deal with Wendy's Quad Baconator while driving is simply requesting a mishap. Regardless of the possibility that somebody at any point found an approach to grasp that creature with one hand, the greater part of the oil, pickles, and sauce are without a doubt set to slide out onto the guiding segment.

3. Dangerous doughnuts

Coated doughnuts like these can be unfavorable to one's wellbeing

Eating a doughnut can be unfavorable to your wellbeing, particularly when driving | iStock.com

Dunkin' Donuts has a drive-through, so it must be great nourishment for the street, isn't that so? Off-base. This delightful oil trap may appear like the perfect sidekick to that some espresso, however truly, it's just an awesome approach to demolish your ideal day.

Jam or cream-filled doughnuts are infamous for shooting their internal parts everywhere upon the first chomp, and any individual who is into powdered sugar-or sprinkle-secured nourishments is simply requesting a refined sugar bomb to go off in their face. Sticky fingers are similarly as risky as oily fingers when driving, and a weak wet wipe won't do much for that sugar-doused suit.

4. Unintentional frozen yogurt

Three gourmet crisp natural product frozen yogurt bars

Spare the dessert for the home or the recreation center | iStock.com/adogslifephoto

While it might appear like a fun assistant to the ride home, frozen yogurt is a genuine danger for anybody in the driver's seat. Cones trickle unendingly and require consistent care, and all that sticky spillover is inclined to cause control catches to wind up plainly stuck. Mugs don't help much either since they require two hands for appropriate utilization. For anybody longing for a sweet treat after work, we exceedingly prescribe choosing a shake or a malt as opposed to something that could cause an impact.

5. Shocking tacos

taco with stew con Carne

Regardless of whether they're crunchy or delicate shelled, you'll need to abstain from eating tacos in your auto | iStock.com

Wrapping things up is the Mexican taco, one of those nourishments that is inclined to moment crumbling at any minute. While a delicate shell rendition might be marginally less chaotic, the crunchy ruler of Tex-Mex is a fiasco holding up to happen. In the event that the shell doesn't break into a thousand pieces at first nibble, the greater part of the cheddar and tomatoes are certain to slide out the minute a diverted driver needs his or her eyes out and about and not their lap.

Be that as it may, on the off chance that you totally need a hard-shell taco, we suggest running with something like Taco Bell's Double Decker alternative, which has a delicate o

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afterourhearts · 7 years

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food i’ll miss the most in RVA

Hi guys! This is almost more of a post for myself to think back and remember all the delicious cuisine in Richmond that I won’t be able to readily access anymore. As my last month here creeps up on me, I’ve been thinking more and more about how much I’ve grown to love this little “river” city. It’s only apt that I’m taking an archaeology class about Richmond in my last semester as it only reminds me yet again about how rich in culture this place is. Of course, I’m still thrilled to head back to Ohio (or maybe Philly if the interviews went well?), but I think I’ll always be willing to visit Richmond in the future and show my future friends around this adorable place :) ok, but on to the food (not ranked in order of best or anything just places I absolutely adore):

1) Huynh’s now turned Vietnam One Vermicelli with Tofu & Spring Roll - ok so most people have tried this popular Viet dish but I’ve tried at least like 10 of these from diff. places and nothing beats the dish at Vietnam One here. It’s the TOFU. It’s seasoned and cooked to perfection; crispy on outside and soft on the inside and bursting with flavor (as opposed to a lot of other places that have pretty bland fried tofu). Honestly I could just eat the tofu and be pleased. So many memories and probably 50+ trips to this place with my apt., definitely forever going to be in our hearts.

2) Jack Brown’s BBQ chips with mac n cheese burger - only like $6, 5 minutes from my school, juiciest homemade patty, amazing pairing of creamy mac n cheese with crispy chip pieces, and all served with the most refreshing pickle. UGH I WANT IT NOW.

3) Frank West’s Pizzeria Cheese Pizza - omgomgomg so everyone here likes Christian’s which is a NY style thin crust heavy cheese pizza and also fairly good but Frank West’s is even better though less known! A local here showed it to me and I’ve been in love ever since. Crust is on a thinner side but not crazy thin, generous amounts of sauce which I love, and the cheese is speckled with some kind of seasoning that is perfection.

4) Peter Chang’s Dry Fried Eggplant - so there isn’t much Chinese food here to rave about due to the heavily viet but low chinese population in rva but they at least boast one authentic szechuan place (though hong kong house in cbus is def better) STILL they have this standout eggplant dish here that I’ve never seen elsewhere. It’s fried eggplant “fries” seasoned in szechuan flavors/cilantro and it isn’t greasy b/c it is dry fried rather than deep fried. AMAZING alternative to fries!

5) Sugar Shack Donuts esp. lemon poppyseed and strawberry lemon - ok so RVA is KNOWN for donuts and for good reason. Sugar shack has been ranked in national magazines/food blogs all the time and it has literally the yummiest donuts I’ve ever had. Coming from cbus where donuts is just Krispy Kreme, I truly can say I’ve never known anything better existed. Sugar shack is like a bigger, better krispy kreme. It doesn’t melt away in your mouth in seconds like krispy kreme but it is still so fluffy and airy inside like lightweight bakery bread almost. Planning on bringing a dozen of these home after graduation!

6) Bombolini Pasta - a little place in Carytown that has really authentic pasta and delicious sauces, as well as a bunch of homemade frozen ravioli you can buy and cook later at home. I love that the noodles here are never overcooked, like true pasta should be served :)

7) Honey Truffle Fries and Salt n Pepper Fries with Garlic Aioli at Postbellum - this place has a cute little rooftop bar and the most amazing thin fries!!! honey + truffle oil topped with shaved parmesan - could there be a better combo?! The only fries I like better than here are the crispy BonChon ones but BonChon can be found outside of RVA too!

8) Social 52 Crab Dip with Pita - I’ve never had better crab dip, or maybe I was just really drunk xD this bar does have a ton of tasty fusion style apps though!

9) Toast Sweet Potato Tater Tots - a gastropub right beside my school that often rotates out some really unique fusion style dishes (kimchi aiolis and shiz like that) but we always come back to their staple side dish, the sweet potato tots. MMMMMM mmm mm! People make sweet potato fries all the time, but tots? wowzaa

10) Gelati Celesti Chocolate Decadence - hands down the creamiest, thickest, chocolateyest cold creamy gelato goodness you’ll ever try!

11) Noorani’s Gobi Manchurian, Chicken 65, Egg biryani, and Seekh Kabab - omg I could go on and on about this place forever. Yes your stomach will rebel against you the following day but it is worth the later pain hahaha. I just LOVE their gobi manchurian (fried cauliflower tossed in an indo-chinese sauce), they have the most well-spiced chicken 65 ever, biryani is on the wetter side which I LOVE, and mmm the seekh kabob is served in the most amazing sauce with sliced ginger and it’s just like pakistani heaven!!! It breaks my heart thinking about how much I’ll miss this place :’( even though service is crap, food is always delicious.

12) Zzzaaaam bibimbap bowls - this place is like a korean chipotle but it has every topping you’d ever want in your bibimbap at extremely reasonable prices, with a variety of super tasty sauce combos and topped with sesame oil drizzle. I always feel fairly healthy eating here too which is a bonus :)

13) New Grand Market Cafe’s Jajungmyeon with Tangsooyuk = ehrmygawd this is the most amazing combination ever created!! Tasty hot noodles in black bean seafood sauce paired with crispy sweet & sour pork & bell peppers/onions = heaven on earth; place is also a supermarket so you can stock up on asian snacks while you’re here!

14) Chadar Thai’s Drunken Noodles and Curry Fried Rice - the best Thai place in this city. Ignore the overpriced and underwhelming Carytown places (thai diner, mom’s siam, ginger thai, thai top ten, elephant thai, thai palace, etc) and come here! Definitely the BEST and most flavorful thai place around!! Their drunken noodles are UNBEATABLE and yes I’ve tried like 7 other places so I would know lololol

15) Shyndigz Fruit Cake and Key Lime Pie - this place is the cutest little date dessert spot!! they have christmas lights everywhere indoor and outdoors and just the cutest little southern belle/rustic theme; grab a slice of their super moist and fresh fruitcake or absolutely perfectly tart key lime pie with the tastiest crust with your girls or a boo thang and enjoy it under the christmas light warm glow!! you’ll 100% have a night to remember :)

16) Plaza Azteca burritos/enchiladas - so I’m not a huge fan of Mexican because I find a lot of the dishes bland but this place is diff. and they believe in heavy use of sauces/queso which I LOVEEEE. the free nachos/salsa they give are amazing (super thin crispy nachos and the smoothest/freshest salsa), made to order guac is perfect!!, and any of their burritos/enchiladas are bound to be completely covered in sauce and other drizzles and also laying in like a literal pool of more sauce so ohmygoodness yes I’m a big fan

17) Burger Bach New Zealand Burgers - def on the costlier side but comes with a side of fancy salad w like arugula and shiz not just iceberg lettuce and a bunch of creative dips for your fries; burger is also bigger and more flavorful than at Jack Brown’s but Jack beats this place based on price and bun and size and convenience and that freaking pickle ... lol burger bach to jack browns is like shake shack to in-n-out ... one is obvs more expensive and better in quality but the other is unique in taste and affordable sooooooo ya just love BOTH!

18) Mama J’s Southern Kitchen - if you want real soul food this is where its at; here is the only place I like collard greens and they have the sweetest yams and amazing catfish (only place better was in new orleans!) and these freaking awesome wings you must ask for tossed in something called Edy’s sauce. not even sure wtf is in that sauce but it’s bliss

19) Addis Kitchen’s Injera - have you tried ethiopian bread before?? liz and I came across this place when we went to a lackluster italian festival and still needed more food and tried injera for the first time. it was delicious!! it’s a sour, spongey bread that isn’t heavy at all you could literally eat it for ages and just paired amazingly with their veggie/meat dishes which remind me of indian curries a bit. def an experience i’d recommend!

20) Foo Dog’s Fried Tofu and Malaysian Ramen - ok so this place is no fukuryu but the coconut based lemongrass soup is really tasty (noodles need work) and their fried tofu app is deliciously stuffed with a bunch of flavorful veggies and sauces and if you want some bao sandwiches/asian street food combos this is def a good place!

21) Continental Westhampton’s Poutine Fries - omggg this plate of fries is not only covered in gravy but also scallions and an EGG and cheese and if this isn’t your idea of dream loaded fries idk what is

22) Galaxy Diner Malt Shakes and Pickle Chips - so this diner serves breakfast all day and is perfect for post drinking food binges that will do major damage to your waistline but all the greasy foods are just okay in my opnion; really not a standout place except for the funky atmosphere/lighting and one particularly spectacular drink: their malt shakes!!!!!! enough said

23) Don’t Look Back Fish Tacos (traditional style) and Chorizo tacos (gringo style) - it’s not quite LA street taco quality but it’s about as good as it gets around here!

24) Cookout banana shake, chili cheese dogs, chicken nugs, cheese fries, and onion rings - a late night drive through that has everything you’d ever want at 2am in the morning at dollar prices. how perf is this?

There’s probably places I’m forgetting (as you can tell I’ve eaten out a LOT in college hahahhaa) so I’ll try to keep updating this but for now, these are the places that will always have a special place in my heart and that I highly recommend you trying if you’re ever heading to VA beach and feel compelled to stop by adorably historic and tasty Richmond!

#richmond #virginia #food #cuisine #eats #nomnom #yum

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wishingfornever · 5 years

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12/29/17 – No Contact: Party?

Current time is 7pm. I was invited to a party by Diana. I get the feeling she probably has a boyfriend. Not sure why. Regardless, I want to go but I work. So, at about 10:30 I’ll be getting off maybe? I can walk there, that’s not an issue. Of course, I’d want to bring a bag with my clothing. The party starts at 7 but nobody gets there on time. So… still going to be late. Party has no official end.

I’m concerned. I don’t know anyone! I don’t want to pester Diana if I get drunk. Because I have to mingle with other people. Bleeeeeeeeeeergh. So… she’s the only person I know. I mean, I bumped into her sister, but… I know her better than anyone out there and I guarantee I don’t know her that well. I don’t want to embarrass myself. I’ll drink, but I’ll control myself. I’ll be… Oskar Schindler. Always drinking but never drunk.

I was hoping I’d be able to ask Diana on a date, mind you. D’oh. Of course, she might have a boyfriend. What makes me say this? She’s always on her phone. Then again, I’ve flirted with her but she never pushed me back or shot me down. Maybe I should ask. Only a few days, though.

Work was… not that bad. It was slower than usual but I was in good spirits. Sorta worked with Diana. I mean, she stocks and I’m a cashier but I worked with her. I noticed last time I worked with her, I was in a good mood too. Then again, I left feeling incomplete again. Eh… it happens.

My mom and Adela picked me up from work. And by that, I mean I walked home. And by that, I mean I was stopped by them in a car about 50 yards from the house. Not that far away. They had basically just left and I was almost home. Regardless, I appreciate it. We went to Chipotle after. Fucking love that place.

After that, we went to this Mexican shopping center. I think my mom is a Nationalist. At least when it comes to Mexican food… of course, fucking EVERY Mexican is a Nationalist when it comes to Mexican food. With the exception of my sandwiches, I’ve had NOTHING but Mexican food since my mom got here. Like, mom. We’re Mexican. It’s just food to us.

Eh… I’m not complaining. I like Chipotle. I didn’t like those enchiladas from that one place, though. The torta was alright. That’s all the Mexican food I can remember. Of course, my mom intends to cook breakfast tomorrow. Craaaaaaaaaaap! It’ll be fine. I woke up super early.

I had a dream that involved Batman eating out Wonderwoman. That may sound hot, but they were cartoons or something so it’s not that hot. Then there was something else… I can’t remember it because MY MOM WAS FUCKING NAGGING ME BEFORE MY ALARM EVEN WENT OFF!!! Like, fucking hell, Mom! Give me a break. -,-

Worse yet, she just sat there, watching me. Like… no privacy. And I couldn’t at least write down my dreams so I can write something more interesting than shitty cartoon sex. I hate Batman. Such a boring character.

Shower was pretty meh, too. I didn’t have my phone. Couldn’t listen to music. I wish I could, but phone was lost. D’oh.

It’s a miracle so much has happened today. Diana and I may be connecting a bit more. I’m having fun at her expense and she’s having fun at mine. I realize that my humor tends to have a victim but I realize almost all jokes do. Someone looks foolish and that creates humor. Esther thought I was picking on her. Really, I was making shitty jokes. I clearly care about her. I don’t need to destroy her to bring myself up. Especially not her. If anything, this entire affair has brought me further down than I’ve ever been.

I’ve been reminded of her a lot today. Saw someone who was her age, buying Swisher Sweet cigars. Here is the thing: If you buy those dumb cigars, you’re not enjoying the cigars. You’re getting high. They’re skins for marijuana. This guy who was her age was going to get blitzed and she is the same.

There were other things, too. Eh… It’ll fade. It has to.

I’m also being haunted by the other spectre. Alcohol. However, this spectre I’ll be confronting at the previously mentioned party. I think I’ll be fine. So long as I don’t overindulge. If other coworkers go, then I might be fine. People think I’m super happy generally. They don’t realize that behind my smile and optimistic nature, I’ve never felt more dead.

I’m not depressed, but I feel… low. Like, I’m carrying my shadow with me and it’s heavy. It’s dragging me back. Dragging me down.

I used to get these nightmares where I basically disintegrate. The muscles I’m proud of erode to nothingness, I grasp desperately but I lack the strength to continue. It’s horrifying and used to be frequent. However, Esther’s spectre has turned my horrors into something far worse.

I guess my fear is that of aging. Makes sense since all my neighbors have been super old. And, of course, I’m always concerned that I’ll lose my strength. It’s all I have going for myself. I wish I had so much more, but I don’t. I guess I’m smart but I’m so bullheaded that it doesn’t matter. I’m not very agile. My hands shake and I often find I have a hard time holding things. I can be charming but I lack the commitment to make much use of it. Most my conversations are rehearsed. People are so similar that a conversation that works with one will often work with another, even if they are of a different background with different beliefs.

I might be pretty lucky though. I guess Esther was proof of that. Then again, I haven’t been very lucky for a while. Maybe I’ll get lucky on Sunday. Won’t count on it, though. I don’t think Diana would be that sort of girl. Even when drunk.

I have good eye sight, but my hearing is sometimes lacking. I think that’s because my dad was deaf thus everything had to be loud as possible. A lot of yelling in my house. Also why I have such a loud voice. I have to yell to talk to him.

Endurance is… alright? I mean, if I jog for a bit I’ll start gasping for air but that’s because I’m fat. But I lost a lot of weight. I think I’m pretty durable otherwise. Like I’m not affected by physical pain that much. And I can’t remember the last time I legitimately broke a bone. That’ll change too.

That basically covers “SPECIAL” from fallout, lel.

Strength, intellect, and sometimes luck. Take some notes.

I’ll hope that this party isn’t the end of me. I have… two days to prepare and I work all of them. And my mom is also here, so that means no time nor privacy to prepare. Maybe I should shave my nether region. Just in case I get lucky. JUST in case.

That’d guarantee that I wouldn’t get laid. When you prepare for it. Whenever you expect something, that’s when it fails. When you don’t expect something, that’s when it succeeds. So, I need to do everything that implies I’m not expecting to get action if I want to get action.

Honestly, that’d be nice. I mean… I’d have to pick up some condoms, just in case. But if I buy them, I won’t get laid. GRAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I wasn’t prepared! I’m NEVER prepared! Maybe that means I might get lucky, lel. We’ll see.

It’s going to be a long day. I can see it now. I’m planning an outfit. Got this red shirt and plain white tee. I need dress shoes though. I’ll see what I can do. I want to get something that’d work with gaiters. Of course, I don’t have gaiters… drat.

I think red shirt, rolled up sleeves with a white tee underneath and khaki pants is fine. It’s formal but not too formal. I don’t have a formal belt but I might not need one. I’ll check the size of the red shirt. If it’s too short, I’ll leave it untucked. If it’s too long, I’ll tuck it in. I’ll have to work the fashion and I look good in red. A nice fresh shirt with some cologne and fresh kicks… yeah, I think I’d look very attractive.

I’ll need it. There will be men my age and younger who perhaps look more handsome than me. Of course, I might be the tallest one there because Mexicans but whatever. I’ll see if they play that Uno game that Dennis and Daniel used to do. I’ll explain it in a later entry.

Hrm… I wish I wasn’t working that night. Drat. I’ll be fine, though. I’ve lost a ton of weight so I’m more confident than I ever have. I just need to watch my hands. I have been a bit handsy in the past, not just with women. It’s not sexual it’s just I touch people. It’s NOT supposed to be threatening, either. It’s just I talk with my hands a lot and when talking, it’s just… well, inconvenient.

That’s assuming I get FUCKING THRASHED. I don’t want to black out. I doubt I will. I’ll probably keep to myself in the corner. I won’t have the energy that I need… so I might load up on energy coffees.

There will probably be pot, too. That’ll fuck me up beyond all recognition so I’ll avoid it. I should perhaps avoid most things. Oof, I’m the only one preparing this much. Good thing I’m a guy and don’t need makeup. That saves me a lot of time and effort and considering I’ll be getting RIGHT out from work, I won’t have much of either.

I’ll have to bring a bag. Wish shoes and an outfit. Hrm… Yeah, I guess I can do that. I just have to remember to not leave it. And I’d have to at least groom myself a bit. I work early tomorrow (saturday) so I can wake up relatively early for tomorrow. I’ll pluck my eyebrows, trim my beard, brush my teeth (maybe twice; once after breakfast), heavy on cologne. I should get hair gel. Nothing heavy, just something to help control my hair. I need some control but I can’t lose the character.

Really, I’m just hoping it’d decrease the poof. If there is alcohol in the gel, it’d dry out my hair which will be good because that means less poof. Humidity, meaning showers every morning before work, will make my hair poof. It’s not easy having my hair. Women love it though. Definitely worth. If I get lucky, I need to keep it.

They’re still talking. It’s been an hour. Adela is basically lying in my dumb, foam bed. The nerve. >:C

I’m not actually mad, mind you. But still I want to watch some videos before I go to sleep. And this isn’t helping… at all. I’m pretty tired atm. I’m ready to fall asleep. Tomorrow, I’ll stay up to the point where I think the party will end. I’ll say… 2 at the most. I probably won’t last past 1, tbh.

Perhaps I should establish a goal… of course, that goal would immediately be “Get some” and I won’t get any. So, perhaps I’ll try to set my goal, “Take Diana on a date.” That’s far easier and less sleazy.

I really have to not get too drunk, though. Like, really. If I get too drunk, I’ll have to walk home and I’ll get arrested by the police, I’ll let them know that they kill 25 dogs EVERY day, and then I’ll get shot. -,-

Oof. This won’t be easy.

Anyways, it appears that my mom and my cousin finished talking. Getting ready to go to bed. Which is perfect. I can watch my videos without interfering with them. I’ll head to bed after I’m through. :D

We’ll go shopping for shoes tomorrow. It’ll be well. A lot is coming up for me. Just gotta stay strong and optimistic. ^^

Fuck… One of the videos I opened didn’t have a title. Or, at least it didn’t have the correct title. It was called “I was feeling sad until I listened to this song.” The name of the song is “Bubble Tea Date.” FUCK YOU Esther!!! ><

Alright, finished my videos. I’ve noticed I’ve been more prone to jump on bandwagons, so to speak. Like Doki Doki Literature Club. As someone who likes poetry, it definitely appeals to me. Of course, I try to identify the characters with people I know irl. I really shouldn’t though. Anyways, it’s 9:17. Watching videos at double speed is great. I’m going to brush my teeth and prepare for bed. Good night.

Oh, crap. I just realized the toilet on the second floor. The one I use now that I’m downstairs. It doesn’t flush. Fuck! That means I can’t fap. D’oh. There is no god. :c

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jmuo-blog · 6 years

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New Post has been published on https://jmuo.com/15-july-4th-burger-recipes-because-youre-gonna-b/

15 July 4th Burger Recipes, Because You’re Gonna B...

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[Photographs: J. Kenji López-Alt, Morgan Eisenberg]

There’s no shortage of main dishes to serve at your holiday cookout, but it just doesn’t feel like July 4th to me without a burger. And I’m not talking about a store-bought hockey puck of a patty—the Fourth calls for a burger done right, ground by hand at home, grilled, and topped with everything from bacon to roasted green chilies to black olives. Here are 15 of our most mouthwatering grilled burger recipes (including a couple vegetarian options) that are perfect for Independence Day.

Thick and Juicy Home-Ground Grilled Cheeseburgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

Sure, packaged ground beef is a tantalizingly easy solution, but grinding your own meat will net you better flavor and a looser, more open structure, which helps the burgers trap juice. Taking matters into your own hands also lets you experiment with different cuts—we like to use a blend of short rib, brisket, and sirloin, ground up somewhat finely.

Get the recipe for Thick and Juicy Home-Ground Grilled Cheeseburgers »

Barbecue Bacon Burgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

For an extra-smoky, grilled twist on a bacon cheeseburger, we love this recipe, which tops a thick, preferably hand-ground patty with barbecue sauce, slab bacon, cheddar cheese, and sweet grilled onion. Tenting the burgers with foil after taking them off the grill helps melt the cheese and keeps them warm while you get the bacon and buns ready. Those who truly can’t get enough of that porky flavor may want to add fried pork rinds to their burgers, too.

Get the recipe for Barbecue Bacon Burgers »

The McWhopper

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

There are McDonald’s people, and there are Burger King people, but we think it’s in keeping with the spirit of July 4th to unite the nation with one burger that caters to both sides. Our McWhopper borrows the best elements of each restaurant’s signature offering: the Whopper’s flame-broiled patty and the Big Mac’s special sauce, topped with both fresh and dehydrated onions.

Get the recipe for The McWhopper »

Quadruple Chili Cheeseburgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

It’s hard to fault a classic green chili cheeseburger, but July 4th is a time to go big, and this burger rises to the occasion by piling on hot peppers in three more forms: chipotle-spiked mayo, sliced pickled jalapeños, and pepper Jack cheese. That’s all added to the traditional roasted green chilies—Hatch if you can get them, Poblanos if you can’t—for a burger that really bites back.

Get the recipe for Quadruple Chili Cheeseburgers »

Pimento-Jalapeño Cheeseburgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

You may have experienced the wonders of pimento cheese as a dip or spread, but few appreciate how rich and creamy it gets when melted on a burger patty. There’s nothing to this recipe but layering the pimento cheese on your home-ground burgers, along with a handful of pickled jalapeños for extra heat.

Get the recipe for Pimento-Jalapeño Cheeseburgers »

Sichuan Peppercorn Burgers With Chili-Ginger Mayo and Cucumber Pickles

[Photograph: Vicky Wasik]

These unusual burgers bring a totally different kind of spiciness—the tingling, mouth-numbing heat of Sichuan peppercorns, rounded out with the complementary flavors of cumin, red pepper flakes, fennel, and star anise. We top them with a tangy chili- and ginger-spiked mayo, plus pickled cucumbers to provide just enough cooling relief.

Get the recipe for Sichuan Peppercorn Burgers With Chili-Ginger Mayo and Cucumber Pickles »

Teriyaki Burgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

If you’ve never made a batch of homemade teriyaki sauce, resolve to change that now; the quality is worlds beyond the store-bought stuff, and it lasts practically indefinitely in the fridge. It’s delicious on grilled chicken and shishito peppers, so why not spoon it onto a grilled burger as well, tradition be damned? Wait until the last couple minutes of cooking to add the sauce, so it doesn’t burn, and top the burgers with shredded cabbage for some much-needed crunch.

Get the recipe for Teriyaki Burgers »

Grilled Black-Olive Burger With Japanese Vinegar

[Photograph: Vicky Wasik]

If you’re not from Michigan, there’s a good chance you’ve never heard of an olive burger, but locals go crazy for it: a patty topped with Swiss cheese and a mixture of green olives and mayonnaise. Here, we give the regional favorite a Japanese-inflected twist, spiking the meat mixture with a type of Japanese black vinegar called kurozu, which infuses the burgers with a wonderfully complex flavor. (Try subbing Chinkiang if you can’t get your hands on kurozu.) We replace the traditional green olives with oil-cured black olives—they have an umami quality that pairs nicely with the vinegar.

Get the recipe for Grilled Black-Olive Burger With Japanese Vinegar »

Grilled Korean Bulgogi Burgers With Kimchi Mayo and Pickled Daikon

[Photograph: Emily and Matt Clifton]

This recipe combines flavors drawn from Korean bulgogi (marinated grilled beef) with the portability of a burger. We glaze the patties with a flavorful sauce made with soy sauce, gochujang, garlic, ginger, vinegar, and brown sugar—since none of the flavorings go into the burger itself, there’s no need to adjust the cooking process or account for changes to texture. After they come off the grill, we top the burgers with a spicy kimchi mayo (infused with both the kimchi itself and the brine) and pickled daikon, plus crunchy shredded red cabbage.

Get the recipe for Grilled Korean Bulgogi Burgers With Kimchi Mayo and Pickled Daikon »

Cemita Burger With Refried Beans, Chipotle Mayo, Avocado, and Oaxacan Cheese

[Photograph: Vicky Wasik]

A hamburger patty isn’t exactly a traditional Pueblan cemita filling, but then again, neither are many of the ingredients you’ll find in a New York–style version of the sandwich. This supremely hearty burger pairs the patty with all the classic cemita fixings: refried beans, avocado, shredded Oaxacan cheese, lettuce, tomato, and papalo, a fresh herb that can often be found in Mexican groceries.

Get the recipe for Cemita Burger With Refried Beans, Chipotle Mayo, Avocado, and Oaxacan Cheese »

Hot Hawaiian Burgers (Spam, Pineapple, Swiss, and Sriracha Mayo)

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

Spam is highly polarizing—some people find the salty canned meat disgusting, while others secretly or not-so-secretly love it. I’m in the latter category. If you are, too, you owe it to yourself to grill it up and throw it on a burger patty, along with sweet-tart pineapple, Swiss cheese, and lightly hot sriracha mayo. What’s Hawaiian about using an English muffin as a bun? Well, nothing, but it’s got a lot of helpful nooks and crannies to catch all those juices from the pineapple and meat.

Get the recipe for Hot Hawaiian Burgers (Spam, Pineapple, Swiss, and Sriracha Mayo) »

Cajun Burgers With Spicy Remoulade

[Photograph: Morgan Eisenberg]

Adding andouille sausage to the beef for these burgers helps fortify their Cajun flavor, as does topping them with the “holy trinity” of Cajun cooking—onion, bell pepper, and celery. A dollop of spicy remoulade rounds them out, and, while it’s not exactly a Cajun ingredient, blue cheese adds a little pleasant funk.

Get the recipe for Cajun Burgers With Spicy Remoulade »

The Best Lamb Burgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

As much as I love lamb, I almost never order a lamb burger at a restaurant—odds are, it’ll come out ridiculously dry. To make the best possible lamb burgers, you’ll want to grind your own meat at home, work it gently, and cook it properly—the meat needs to hit a solid medium-rare so that the fat gets hot enough to melt. If you want to incorporate complementary flavorings, like cumin, garlic, or rosemary, we recommend adding them to the cubed meat before you grind, so they’ll be evenly blended in throughout.

Get the recipe for The Best Lamb Burgers »

Homemade Vegan Burgers That Don’t Suck

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

The Impossible Burger may have revolutionized the meatless-burger landscape, but there are still times when we want a veggie burger that tastes unabashedly like vegetables—and we want it from the comfort of our own home. We make our favorite vegan burgers with an array of ingredients, including mushrooms, eggplant, barley, chickpeas, cashews, and panko bread crumbs, for ideal flavor and texture. Best of all, these burgers cook up on the grill just like ground beef.

Get the recipe for Homemade Vegan Burgers That Don’t Suck »

Really Awesome Black Bean Burgers

[Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

Too many of us experience black bean burgers only out of a box from the freezer section or as a restaurant menu’s apathetic nod to vegetarian customers. As with many things vegetarian, if you really want the best, it pays to do it yourself. This recipe isn’t 100% vegan, like the previous one—it incorporates both eggs and feta cheese, which builds flavor and moisture directly into the patties. Partially dehydrating canned black beans in the oven produces a burger that stays firm, not mushy, while chopped cashews, panko, sautéed onions, garlic, and Poblano peppers supply plenty of flavor and texture.

Get the recipe for Really Awesome Black Bean Burgers »

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ejgiftcards · 6 years

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How Teachers And School Administrators Can Use Gift Cards To Reward Students

Being an educator can be quite difficult, especially today. It can be hard to keep kids motivated, and to reward them for good behavior. In most schools, teachers and school administration are always looking to improve. Whether you’re trying to get better standardized testing scores for your students, or simply inspire a passion for learning, it may be hard to know where to start.

However, there is one tried-and-true method of engaging with students, and keeping them interested in school – and it’s the oldest one in the book! Reward-based programs have been proven to be effective at reducing misbehavior, helping students focus, and keeping them on-track for academic success.

In the past, some schools have used cash-based rewards for students, but that can be a little bit awkward. In recent days, a new alternative has become popular – gift cards!

Gift cards can be purchased in low dollar values, and used to reward students who are behaving in the classroom, and are participating in classroom discussions

Intrinsic Vs. Extrinsic Motivation – Is It A Good Idea To Reward Students?

This is something that has puzzled educators for a long time. Many educators believe that learning should be its own reward – and that giving physical rewards to students tends to breed entitlement, and does not foster a good attitude towards continuing education.

However, this is not the case. Extrinsic motivation, such as a gift card or another reward, can be a very powerful tool for encouraging better behavior and good habits of students. Multiple studies have shown that extrinsic rewards at school and the classroom can result in better overall performance, and the formation of healthy learning habits.

Because of this, we believe that rewarding students for good behavior is not harmful – in fact, it’s a great way to help encourage engagement, and create a better, more effective learning environment for the entire classroom.

The Advantages Of Using Gift Cards To Reward Students

Not sure if you should use gift cards to reward students in your classroom, or at your school? Here are just a few of the benefits of doing so.

Promote good behavior – This is equally applicable to children of all ages. From kindergarteners to high school students, a reward-based program that uses gift cards encourages better classroom behavior. When students know that they will be rewarded for good performance, they will be more interested in the subject matter, more likely to apply themselves, and less likely to become bored or distracted.

Helps keep students motivated – Motivation can be very hard for some students. They may not see the real-world benefits of doing well in school, especially if they are in a difficult home situation. But the tangible reward of a gift card can do wonders when it comes to motivation. Students will feel like they are working towards something “real” – and you may be surprised at how they apply themselves to get that reward!

Encourage a better attitude towards other students – If you implement a system that rewards kids for good behavior – and punishes them for bad behavior – they are much more likely to get along with their classmates. For example, if you have a board with “gold stars” and the first student to get 50 stars gets a gift card, you can reward good interactions between kids by giving them both a gold star – and if a child is mean or hurts another child’s feelings, you can take one away.

Happier students – Students who are rewarded for their hard work are more likely to be happy and engaged with their classroom learning environment. And once other students see the rewards that they can get for behaving in class and meeting expectations, they’ll be encouraged to follow suit.

Plenty of different kinds of gift cards are available – You can buy gift cards that are appropriate for all ages. For younger kids, you can go to a gift card kiosk that sells Target gift cards or sells GAP gift cards, and buy plenty of lower-denomination cards to give away at your school. You probably won’t want to go anywhere that sells Nordstrom gift cards or sells Apple Store gift cards, though – gift cards that are low in value and can still be redeemed for multiple items are the best choice. Gift cards to restaurants such as McDonalds and Chipotle are great for high school students, while Target and WalMart gift cards are usually better for kids, because they can use them to buy toys and other low-cost items.

As you can see, using gift cards to reward good behavior at your school or in your classroom has a number of great benefits. Not sure how to start using gift cards to reward students? Here are a few great ideas that can get you started!

1. Homework Reward Checklist

If you have ever had trouble getting your students to turn their homework in on time, or you have had students miss homework assignments completely, this is a great idea to use, and it’s very simple to do.

At the beginning of the school year or the semester, create a logbook with all homework assignments that will be due that year, and the name of each student in your class. Then, when school starts, tell your students about the reward program.

You will put a “check” on the box for each homework assignment, for each student. As long as they turn in their homework, and it is clear that they have put in the work required, they will get a checkmark – regardless of how the work is graded.

You will continue this throughout the entire semester or school year. Then, at the end of the year, all of the students who have turned in every assignment will be rewarded – a low-value gift card to McDonalds or Target is a good reward.

This will help encourage your students to keep up with their homework and turn in every assignment. They’ll know that – if they don’t – they may miss out on great rewards.

If you want to take things even further, you can also announce a contest to see who has the highest overall average grade on their homework. Obviously, you don’t want to announce how well each student is doing to the entire class – but you can still reward the student who has the highest overall grade on their homework.

This reward should be quite a bit higher in value than the reward for simply completing homework. That way, kids will be encouraged to work harder – and not just put in the bare minimum of work to get a passing grade and a “check” on their box.

2. Participation And “Cold Calling” Rewards

Does this situation sound familiar? You “cold call” a student to tell you something about the reading they were supposed to do yesterday, and they either refuse to answer, or just admit that they don’t know – they didn’t do the reading.

Or, you call a student up to the chalkboard to do a math equation – even simple addition or subtraction – and they are scared and unwilling to do it. They don’t want to be embarrassed in front of the class if they do it wrong. Participating in class can be scary. Your students don’t want to get answers wrong, or look silly in front of their peers. That’s why giving rewards for class participation and “cold calling” is a great idea!

If you have been having trouble with proper class participation, this is a good way to help boost participation rates, and ensure that students have done the reading required for class.

The idea is simple. You create a little logbook for class participation – separate from any other participation notes that you may have. Then, make an announcement to the class. Whoever participates the most – and engages with the class the most, and in a constructive way, will be rewarded with a gift card.

You can keep a running tally of participation for all students – and don’t forget to weigh the participation of each student differently.

For example, if the best student in the class often participates in discussions, you can reward them – but you should give a larger number of points to a student who is usually shy, and is brave enough to speak up and participate in class.

Keep a running tally of who is in the lead, and announce it regularly! Just the top 2-3 names are required – this will help your students stay competitive, and encourage even more classroom participation.

3. Rewards For Teamwork, Cooperation, And Good Behavior

This is a system you can implement throughout the entire school – not just your classroom. The idea is to reward students for interacting with each other in a respectful manner, and for cooperating with one another.

You can create “tokens” that you hand out whenever you see a child at your school do something that’s truly “above and beyond” and shows that they are willing to be a good student and a good friend. For example, you could give a token to a child when:

They include a less popular schoolmate in a playground game

They invite a student who is eating along to sit with them

They intervene to stop a bully, or stop a student from being harassed

They help another student with homework or a problem they’re struggling with

They get together for after-school studies

They exhibit cooperation and good teamwork in games and P.E. classes

They show good sportsmanship when competing in school athletics programs

The opportunities are truly endless. You can just use standard tokens, or create laminated cards that you hand out to children when you see them doing something extra-special.

Then, you can offer different rewards to kids when they turn in these tokens. The best thing about this system is that you don’t just have to use gift cards – you can offer a variety of different rewards that may encourage better behavior in students. An example rewards system could be:

10 tokens – A free pencil and eraser

25 tokens – A candy bar or other snack

50 tokens – A treat from the cafeteria

100 tokens – A gift card for $5 or $10

200 tokens – A pizza party for the entire class

If you only offer one reward, kids may be discouraged if they do not get enough tokens to collect it.But by offering rewards at different tiers, you can ensure that all of your students will be rewarded, even if they did not get enough tokens for a higher-tier reward.

It’s best to start this system at the beginning of a school year. That way, students have quite a while to gather tokens, and collect their rewards. Once students start to be rewarded for their good behavior, you’ll be surprised at how much more smoothly things go at your school!

Try These Rewards Systems At Your School Today – And See The Results!

Rewarding your students with prizes like gift cards is a fantastic way to ensure that they develop strong learning habits, are engaged with classroom activities, and get an education that will help them throughout their entire lives.

So think about how you can use extrinsic rewards in the classroom today. Whether you choose to use low-value gift cards, candy, or any other type of reward, the rewards systems we outlined above are sure to help you teach students more effectively.

And if you need to buy gift cards to give away at your school, you can buy them directly from EJ Gift Cards!

We buy and sell gift cards in all denominations from hundreds of leading brands. Visit our website now to learn more about buying and selling gift cards with EJ Gift Cards, and get started today. Got questions about how it works? Visit our FAQs, or contact our customer service team now.

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burn-all-the-barbies-blog · 7 years

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10 of the Best and Worst Foods to Eat While in the Car

Consistently, a huge number of Americans chow down on nourishment while sitting in the driver's seat with no indication of wavering. May they be knee-somewhere down in the regularly scheduled drive, espresso and doughnuts primed and ready, or on a family street trip with a Big Kahuna burger, there's no denying the way that Americans won't delay to eat while driving.

Be that as it may, truly the vast majority of us really loathe eating while at the same time driving. Since we're hurried, certain sustenances can never genuinely be delighted in legitimately. We always expect that we will smack into somebody mid-nibble. Also, a fat glob of ketchup dependably appears to wind up on our shirt as we maneuver into the workplace parking area. - https://itsjahlilbaby.tumblr.com

To start with individual perspective of driving an auto

Driving an auto shows a wide range of dangers, and diversions are wherever | iStock.com

So what sustenances are perfect for when the open street calls? We're not looking at sustaining on a few fries, biting on a Snickers bar, or slurping down a smoothie here — practically anybody can deal with that sort of light brushing while at the same time being in the driver's seat. We're discussing full suppers, and filling ones at that. The sort of sustenance that is intended to keep the appetite wolf under control, all while giving a driver the capacity to drive with certainty.

Try not to misunderstand us: We comprehend that not every person has the advantage of having the capacity to toss the auto in stop with a specific end goal to make the most of their day by day dosage of oily goodness. As a flourishing free enterprise culture, huge numbers of us have gatherings, due dates, lunch meetings, and strict calendars to maintain. So to enable you to choose what nourishments work best in the driver's seat and in addition what to evade, here are a modest bunch of travel-estimate culinary alternatives.

The great

1. Child burritos and balanced wraps

Two meat burritos with vegetables served on a plate

An all around developed burrito or wrap can be effortlessly devoured while driving | Thinkstock

Here is a straightforward offering that works great in the driver's seat. We're not discussing that 45-pound Chipotle mass that is blasting at the creases, however, a significantly littler, firmly moved victual that can be contained in thwart and loaded with nutritious goodness.

The fixing decisions for nourishment like this are interminable, including a Greek feta and hummus veggie wrap to a singed steak burrito. Planning time for this street agreeable devour is insignificant too. Furthermore, for those of us who are really in a surge, Taco Bell has everybody shrouded in the burrito division, while Wendy's offers various wrap choices.

2. Delightfully constructed breakfast scones

Brilliant bacon cheddar rolls with nectar spread

Bacon cheddar rolls with nectar spread are filling and simple to eat in a hurry | Christine Skopec/The Cheat Sheet

There's something ameliorating about having an oily breakfast roll before anything else while in transit to work. Toss a few eggs, cheddar, and bacon between its cushioned overlays, and you have a filling supper that is anything but difficult to use. Not having a huge amount of garnishes or sauces absolutely helps, and in light of the fact that breakfast sandwiches are typically genuinely little, the one-game snatch is key with this one.

Simply make certain to settle on a browned egg, as fried eggs can get brittle, and over-simple yolks are no joke when they spill on those crisply squeezed khakis. Need a solid contrasting option to ham, wiener, and bacon? Have a go at burning some cut turkey bosom with a little grapeseed oil for a new turn on protein.

3. Conservative calzones

A natural slice calzone is prepared to be served for eating

A naturally cut calzone is an incredible substitute for pizza when you're driving your auto and need a fast chomp | iStock.com

While pizza might be not feasible when the time has come to drive, its alienated cousin, the calzone, is still especially a contender. With its thick, uncooked external layer and incalculable filler alternatives, the calzone stands tall when it's a great opportunity to get a chomp to go.

Key tips for requesting or making a low-upkeep calzone are basic: Don't try too hard on the sauce (or settle on a garlic-olive oil base rather), keep it to a modest bunch of garnishes to anticipate deterioration, and recollect that a lot of cheddar will cause a stringy chaos that is difficult to oversee.

4. Savvy scones

Brilliant hued chocolate chip scones crisp out of the stove with drain

In case you're needing something sweet while out and about, chocolate chip scones are an easy win | iStock.com

Individuals dependably think about a scone as this gently sweetened baked good that is useful for breakfast, and they don't think significantly more remote than that. Scones are one of those sustenances that are quite marvelous when they're salty and flavorful as well, with a portion of the better ones offering a large number of similar garnishes you would discover on a pizza or a sandwich. Scones don't require two hands to eat them, they can be stuffed brimming with any sort of protein, and they require next to no tidy up. So when scrutinizing Panera in the morning, keep those eyes open for a flavorful scone for the street ahead.

5. Unrivaled sushi

A man puts a little measure of rice on ocean growth while making sushi

Sushi rolls can be an incredible other option to normal sushi when you're driving | Neilson Barnard/Getty Images

Sushi is one of those fragile nourishments that is intended for table utilization, alongside soy sauce, wasabi, and flasks of purpose. While more often than not this turns out to be the situation, there is one in number special case, and that is the sushi roll. With adjustable "Tram style" sushi joints like Fusian flying up crosswise over America, this remote delicacy is rapidly turning into a standard feast for anybody in a rush.

For all intents and purposes, anything can be tossed into a sushi roll, and we very suggest getting one where the ocean growth is outward to shield the rice from falling onto the plank of flooring. When requesting, inquire as to whether sauces can be moved into the sushi to keep away from any soy sauce setbacks, and dependably ensure the move stays uncut and wrapped in thwart or saran wrap so it can be eaten like a burrito.

The terrible

1. Disastrous espresso

An espresso mug sits on an auto in a parking area

Drinking espresso while driving may appear to be sufficiently simple, however, you're more inclined to spillage than you might suspect | Thinkstock

While it may not be a nourishment, in essence, espresso surely has turned out to be synonymous with the day by day drive. Once considered an extravagance around the workplace, this stimulated creation has turned into a worker go-to as far back as the coming of the to-go glass. With Starbucks drive-through eateries developing in fame, it doesn't give the idea that this risky type of drinking and pushing is leaving at any point in the near future.

One thing huge numbers of us neglect to see, however, is that espresso causes a bigger number of mishaps than some other edible item. As indicated by a report by Wired, a large number of autonomous examinations have demonstrated that espresso keeps on being the essential guilty party with regards to sustenance related car crashes. Singing hot measures of fluid, a clueless lap, a feeble plastic cover, and surge hour activity truly appear like the ideal formula for calamity once they're altogether joined.

2. Bulky ground sirloin sandwiches

A cheeseburger with onions

Burgers and autos don't blend unless you're stopped | iStock.com

Be that as it may, have you at any point seen somebody in a business make some real progress on a delicious burger with only one hand? We didn't think so. These oily Goliaths are absolutely a two-gave undertaking, and anybody sufficiently challenging to endeavor a one-gave way to deal with Wendy's Quad Baconator while driving is simply requesting a mischance. Regardless of the possibility that somebody at any point found an approach to grip that creature with one hand, the greater part of the oil, pickles, and sauce are unquestionably set to slide out onto the guiding section.

3. Lethal doughnuts

Coated doughnuts like these can be hindering to one's wellbeing

Eating a doughnut can be hindering to your wellbeing, particularly when driving | iStock.com

Dunkin' Donuts has a drive-through, so it must be great nourishment for the street, isn't that so? Off-base. This scrumptious oil trap may appear like the perfect sidekick to that some espresso, yet as a general rule, it's just an incredible approach to destroy your ideal day.

Jam or cream-filled doughnuts are famous for shooting their internal parts everywhere upon the first nibble, and any individual who is into powdered sugar-or sprinkle-secured sustenances is simply requesting a refined sugar bomb to go off in their face. Sticky fingers are similarly as perilous as oily fingers when driving, and a weak wet wipe won't do much for that sugar-drenched suit.

4. Unintentional dessert

Three gourmet crisp organic product dessert bars

Spare the dessert for the home or the recreation center | iStock.com/adogslifephoto

While it might appear like a fun assistant to the ride home, dessert is a genuine risk for anybody in the driver's seat. Cones trickle relentlessly and require consistent care, and all that sticky spillover is inclined to cause control catches to end up noticeably stuck. Containers don't help much either since they require two hands for legitimate utilization. For anybody longing for a sweet treat after work, we exceedingly suggest picking a shake or a malt as opposed to something that could cause an impact.

5. Loathsome tacos

taco with bean stew con Carne

Regardless of whether they're crunchy or delicate shelled, you'll need to abstain from eating tacos in your auto | iStock.com

Wrapping things up is the Mexican taco, one of those sustenances that is inclined to moment crumbling at any minute. While a delicate shell rendition might be somewhat less chaotic, the crunchy ruler of Tex-Mex is a calamity holding up to happen. On the off chance that the shell doesn't break into a thousand pieces at first chomp, the greater part of the cheddar and tomatoes are certain to slide out the minute an occupied driver needs his or her eyes out and about and not their lap.

Be that as it may, on the off chance that you totally need a hard-shell taco, we suggest running with something like Taco Bell's Double Decker choice, which has a delicate o

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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6 Ways You’re Secretly Ruining Your Waiter’s Life

One of the biggest culture wars being fought today is between the people who work in food service and the people who think it can’t be all that bad working in food service. As a rule, we tend to side with the folks who have the power to spit in our tacos, but even then, we wind up accidentally making things worse for them every time we eat out. You’ve probably ruined a server’s day this week without even realizing it. For example …

“Hidden Menu” Items And Special Promotions Are A Damn Nightmare To Make

Viral posts about fast food “menu hacks” get tossed around the internet like discuses at an Olympic trial, so odds are you’ve strolled into a Taco Bell armed with a Rolodex of “hidden menu” items you can’t wait to try, such as a chili cheese burrito or a Dorito shell chalupa. The thing is, fast food restaurants operate based on order and routine (that’s why they’re “fast”), so while you may enjoy the feeling of being part of the Cheap Meat Sandwich inner circle, it’s the hourly servers who have to deal with the utter chaos of jury-rigging three different burgers into one bun for the benefit of some rando who thinks they’re too good to order from the menu at fucking Burger King.

Take the Chipotle quesarito, the unholy union of a quesadilla, a burrito, and boiling liquid cheese that could strip the bark off a California redwood. As some Chipotle employees helpfully explained on Reddit, ordering a quesarito will cause them nothing but misery. Not only are they a total hassle to make, but you’re also about to give a poor server second-degree burns so that you could order a burrito that almost certainly won’t wrap properly just to impress your friends.

However, even when an officially sanctioned abnormal or “promotional” item hits menus — something customers are encouraged to buy — it creates chaos and bloodshed. When Starbucks rolled out its Unicorn Frappuccino, a pink and blue monstrosity that looked like a blended Lisa Frank folder, it made sure customers knew that the colorful drink was only available for five freaking days. Naturally, people rushed to see what liquid candy disguised as coffee tasted like, and the baristas were the ones who had to suffer. Braden Burson, a teenage employee from Colorado, posted a video of himself ripping Starbucks Corporate a new one over his now-acute glitter intolerance. “My hands are completely sticky. I have unicorn crap all in my hair and on my nose,” he cringes. “I have never been so stressed out in my entire life.”

It wasn’t only Braden, either. The Starbucks Reddit page had a field day with the Unicorn Frapp, highlighting the plight of the broken baristas unable to keep themselves from drowning in a flood of pink sludge. Blue and pink powders combined with mango syrup choked the air and coated everything like instagrammable napalm. Baristas had to deal with a constant film of unicorn shit clinging to their body like some kind of metaphor for the spoiled dreams of youth. Seriously, this photo of an order of 56 Unicorn Frappuccinos will one day be shown as part of a trial in the Hague:

“All You Can Eat” Promotions Screw Servers Out Of Tips

We’re not here to shit on the idea of eating as many appetizers, bread sticks, miniature shrimps, and/or bowls of Mongolian barbecue as you can. That’s the American Way, goddammit. We simply feel that it’s our duty to inform you that your intestines aren’t the only ones suffering through these glutinous promotions.

You see, all-you-can-eat promotions bring in customers who normally don’t eat out, because they’re generally pretty cheap. We’ve all been there: You spend most of the week eating asparagus and butter sandwiches because that’s all your broke ass can afford, and then along comes Olive Garden with a tantalizing offer of never-ending pasta for ten goddamned dollars. So you show up with an empty stomach, consume roughly two meals’ worth of food, and then try to take what you can home. It’s a steal … especially from the servers who waited on you, whose earnings are disappearing at the same rate as the pasta bowls. Odds are if you were lured out of your home by the promise of a buttload of cheap food, you’re not going to be leaving much of a tip. After all, Oliver Twist didn’t slip a 20 into the jacket of the guy serving the gruel.

So all-you-can-eat patrons don’t tip big (partly because their bill is so low, which is the whole reason they went out), but another big problem is that they stay forever. It takes a while to eat your entire weight in shrimp, so these folks will camp out at their table for hours, which prevents their servers from getting new customers. Anyone who has ever waited tables before knows how important it is to get multiple tables in a night just to break even in tips by the end of their shift, and a family of five gasping their way through a third round of plates at Golden Corral clogs up the flow of business.

Waiters have been complaining about these practices forever. Restaurant owners may claim that it drums up more business, meaning more money for the staff, but the math on these promotions doesn’t add up. They work their staff harder, they get paid less to serve more food per billed line item, and the buffet gobblers keep tables from opening up and bringing in new customers. Restaurants with all-you-can-eat promotions both target customers who make less money and force their employees to work for less money. It’s a delicious double-edged sword.

Large Parties Leave Terrible Tips (Which Get Taxed)

When you go to a restaurant with a large party (whenever you’re able to wrangle more than half a dozen of your friends to be at the same place at the same time, so either you’re going to the prom, a wedding, or a funeral), there’s often an “automatic tip” added on of 15, 18, or even 20 percent. The reason for this is that, despite it being a lot of extra effort keeping track of ten people ordering completely different entrees — some with tomatoes and some with don’t you dare put any tomatoes anywhere near this fucking thing — something called the magnitude effect kicks in, which basically means that people tend to tip less percentage-wise the larger a bill becomes.

The auto-tip was supposed to combat the magnitude effect, and for a while, it more or less did its job. Then in 2014, servers got slapped with an IRS law which says that any automatically added gratuity is now considered earned wages instead of tips, and that’s a huge difference. We apologize in advance for the upcoming math.

Say a party of ten puts together a bill of $200 and there’s a 20 percent auto-gratuity of $40. That $40 is already used to tip the busboy, cook, and the guy whose job appears to be chain-smoking and occasionally wiping off some menus. That means that, for handling a large party over the span of probably an hour or more, the server made maybe $10. According to the IRS, that $10 tip isn’t a tip at all, but “non-tip wages,” which are subject to Social Security tax, Medicare tax, and, of course, income tax. Not only does that dent their income, but the server also probably didn’t get a chance to work many other tables, because large parties require a lot of attention and tend to stay for well over an hour, meaning that they couldn’t earn any non-automatic tips from other tables with smaller parties. The government is apparently so hard up for cash that it needs to nickel-and-dime people who are already making less money than the “street artist” standing outside the restaurant.

Not that servers have to worry too much about figuring out the taxes of their auto-gratuities, because you can’t tax zero dollars. One of the major effects of the IRS law is that, rather than having to report extra income from auto-gratuities to the IRS, chains like Outback Steakhouse and TGI Friday’s have eliminated the auto-tip altogether. Which means the magnitude effect is creeping back in, with many servers seeing their biweekly pay drop from about $1,000 to $600-$800. But maybe there’s a silver lining here. Maybe IRS employees like having spit in all of their food.

Working A Drive-Thru Is Ridiculously Dangerous

Ask any server, and they’ll tell you the most stressful part of their job is the customers (and their hair perpetually smelling like old bread caught in a grease trap). Drive-thrus seem like an obvious solution — you have minimal interaction with the customer, they order quickly, pay for their food, and leave immediately. It’s ideal for customers too, because honestly, most times you go to a drive-thru, you’re in no mood / condition / level of sobriety to really deal with or be seen by other people. However, while it’s true that you might have less interaction with difficult customers while handing food out of a window, a lot more of them are actively trying to kill you.

Grewal-Digital/iStock This resembles the opening of a horror movie for a reason.

People commit armed robbery at drive-thrus all of the time. A drive-thru coffee shop in Kentucky was robbed four times in the span of a couple months. A McDonald’s in Florida was robbed twice in two weeks, which honestly seems downright restrained for Florida. There are lots of reasons for these sprees. Drive-thrus tend to be open earlier and later, some even 24 hours — you’ll note that robbers aren’t huge fans of broad daylight. Also, unlike gas stations, which mostly get paid with debit or credit cards nowadays, people still largely buy their nuggets and fries with cash, and the cash drawer is usually right there at the window. Finally, most fast food joints are located right near major intersections or highway exits, making drive-thru robbery really convenient in terms of getaways. Drive-thrus are essentially magic windows full of money and delightful food — a combination robbers find irresistible.

But even when they’re not going for the register, there’s something about being behind the wheel of a car that makes people angry — especially if they’re only going 5 mph and waiting for a stack of burgers. The Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that workers in restaurants that had a drive-thru are twice as likely to be assaulted as workers at sit-down restaurants like Olive Garden or Red Lobster. The fact that a Red Lobster is a better work environment than anything with a drive-thru means having to be anywhere near a serving window is a violation of your human rights.

And if the risk of getting shot isn’t enough for you to consider, then there are the endless streams of dipshit YouTube pranksters trying to spook you to consider. Drive-thru workers should start robbing the customers.

McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast Doubles Their Workload (So They Serve You Old Food)

There’s nothing we want more than what we can’t have, even if that something is a lukewarm Egg McMuffin at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. One of the greatest moments in customer peer pressure history occurred when McDonald’s decided to start offering its customers a limited all-day breakfast menu. McDonald’s saw sales spiking, and the resulting publicity was better than anything it could’ve hoped for from that Michael Keaton movie. And it’s great! Who among us can say they’ve never tasted the bitter defeat of arriving at McDonald’s to order a bag of breakfast burritos, only to discover that breakfast stopped being served minutes ago?

However, while customers might love it, the employees hate it. McDonald’s employees are the target of a lot of public ridicule (there’s an entire political party and accompanying news network that revolves around thinking up reasons to deny burger-flippers minimum wage), but that doesn’t stop the job from being thankless and hard. That has only gotten worse with the all-day breakfast, which requires employees to run the same extensive breakfast-to-lunch cleanup of their stations every time a stoner wants a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel at noon. At $7.25 an hour, how much could you be bothered to give a shit about re-cleaning your station every time someone orders an egg, cross-contamination be damned?

McDonald’s employees have, however, found a loophole — which is not a word you ever want to hear concerning the people who feed you. Many will cook up a bunch of eggs at the beginning of the day and stock them in food warmers for afternoon use. Hashbrowns are a quick and easy thing to throw in the fryer alongside the french fries, but pancakes don’t make it to the griddle next to the hamburgers; they’re just microwaved. So know that the second after 10:30 a.m., ordering breakfast means you’re eating reheated leftover McDonald’s. Nobody deserves that.

Children Ruin Dining For Everyone

Kids are like ironic mustaches that you can’t shave off — you think it’s delightful, but you’re really just annoying the shit out of people everywhere you bring it. One of the most unnatural habitats for children has to be the restaurant, which to them looks like a playground with glass and knives. And who has to deal with these infant tornadoes when dining out? Their parents? Ha ha, no. It’s the servers who have to become de facto babysitters..

Small children make dining experiences categorically worse. They deface the aesthetic of the restaurant by drawing on the walls or even scratching them with coins. They bother diners by blasting their iPads (meant to pacify them) at full volume. Parents will bring tiny snacks (such as Goldfish crackers or Cheerios) to distract the kids until the food comes, only to have them thrown everywhere and ground into the floor. Aisles are blocked with high chairs and strollers, making spills inevitable. All this mess makes it harder to clean up, which raises wait times for tables, meaning servers are getting fewer customers and those customers are getting more irate. That’s actually the most important point: Kids tend to make the dining experience less enjoyable for every customer, which can impact their generosity when it’s time to calculate the tip.

Some diners may recognize how much their server is struggling with a particular table and its particular high-chaired bastard king and be sympathetic. However, the party that brought the child almost never is. According to a survey of servers at Cornell, families with children are notorious for tipping below average, meaning kids probably possess the most disparate effort-to-reward ratio of all diners.

Understandably, restaurants dislike allowing small children, but this has become a contentious debate. They can receive horrible backlash for even thinking about banning children, and there are no shortage of mommy blogs that will happily point the blame for their disruptive children straight at the servers, offering helpful “suggestions” for dealing with their darling children, including “Come back to the table often so the child doesn’t get restless” and “Don’t allow us to order a dessert and then discover that it’s sold out” — the latter of which you may recognize as something that is literally impossible to avoid. That link also includes a helpful letter full of instructions you can print out and hand to your server, as if you two are trying to coordinate a flawless meal for a foreign head of state instead of a group of children who are too young to be expected to sit still in a public setting for longer than five minutes. The general retort from both restaurants and servers is that Applebee’s is not a daycare, and waitstaff already have their hands full dealing with adults who behave like children, which is frustrating for parents who expect you to feed and entertain their children for $2.19 plus a shitty tip.

Unfortunately for servers, the messy ethics of banning children means they will have to deal with these little poop tornadoes until the end of days. Sure, fine dining might get away with restricting children, but it’s not like Outback Steakhouse can pretend it’s too good for screaming toddlers. People show up there in sweatpants to eat fried onions.

Isaac actually kind of enjoyed working at Chipotle while he was in college, and still has the guacamole recipe memorized. Follow him on Twitter.

Also check out 5 Apocalyptic Realities Working At A Dying Chain Restaurant and 5 Disgusting Truths About Every Restaurant (From A Chef).

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