#so traumatic I had to do it again
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Playing Undertale again and I forgot how awesome Undyne is
#I had to dust her in a neutral run for research purposes#and that was traumatic#so traumatic I had to do it again#(for science I swear)#I always knew Undyne was badass#but getting a reminder is good#Now I'm back to a murder run#FOR RESEARCH I SWEAR#I HAVE ALREADY FOUND FASCINATING THINGS#I also have to do a research run in pacifist#so I guess I'll do that after I murder everyone
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Heartbroken reminder that Egwene is 17 when she gets taken by the Seanchan, spends two months in captivity being tortured, used as a weapon and dehumanized. When she gets back to the Tower, she immediately passes a test that's not at all traumatic, nearly gets killed by a Grey Man and is sent on a secret mission to hunt murderers completely unsupervised. During this period of wandering, lacking direction, she naturally gets angrier and erratic, but Nyn and Elayne mostly treat it as childish rebellion against Nyn's authority, with Elayne slapping Egwene because she was mean to Nyn. When the girls eventually get captured because they are not equipped at all to hunt the Black Ajah, Egwene becomes so terrified of being taken again that she keeps on resisting the sisters long past it is sensible, earning a brutal beating from the sisters who throw her back into a cell, beaten to a pulp, with no hope for help this time.
Clearly, Egwene has no PTSD whatsoever.
#egwene al'vere#The wheel of time#Wot book spoilers#The Great Hunt#The Dragon Reborn#Remblai#wot book journey#I think about it all the time#About how early in the books she gets to experience something so horribly traumatic and to receive little support afterwards#None from the Tower#None from her mentors#And little from her friends because they have their own stuff going#And even if the books don't give as much room to Egwene's trauma as Rand's it's always here#Her prime reaction to someone trying to subdue her will be extremely violent#She would rather die than let that happen again#It's beyond me how she managed to rebuild herself after this and mostly on her own#The Wise Ones helped tremendously here#Because she had a strict routine#She was far away from everything and everyone that could remind her of what happened#Being a Dreamwalker has also little to do with the OP so it allowed her to regain control without interacting with the OP#I love her arc from very early on tbh#It's not about Egwene being unbreakable#It's about Egwene living with a pain that could destroy her#That's something she shares with Rand as well
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Something about Hua Cheng's expression here is killing me--I know this is supposed to be a delicate moment of reassurance but the pure hater energy radiating off of him is just immaculate
#tgcf#hua cheng#xie lian#hualian#words cannot express how much I love hua cheng being a hater#hua cheng in this pic is that energy when you keep spamming the A button when an npc you don't like won't stop talking#like his face when lang qianqiu keeps going on and on about his parents meeting an untimely unjust and grisly end#is so 'it was hundreds of years ago and it wasn't even gege's fault for fucks sake grow up'#'leave my goddamn wife alone he raised you with love and diligence'#'you had your bloody revenge what more do you want. figure it out far away from us.'#spoken like a true ghost king who slaps eming every single time it expresses a single inconvenient emotion he has#every day i have to resist the urge to gush about hc he's just hilarious and peak every single time i love him#no notes just banger after banger after banger#that's the face of a man who was orphaned as a child and clawed his way through life to survive and keep his loved one alive + well#a bastion of unmoving strength for 800 years#unmoved by the whining of a young man born with everything and mourning the loss of his innocence way past his expiration date#10/10 hua cheng you've done it again#hc said 'oh? a traumatic life event? we have several dozens of those git gud'#and honestly i mean that with no malice i just feel like lang qianqiu is old enough to start parsing the world in a more nuanced way ;;;;;#as much as xl thought lying to him was the best outcome hc was right--the truth d o e s matter--and not just to absolve xl#its also about giving lang qianqiu closure and moving on. about qi rong facing the consequences of his actions#so much of what is wrong with the heavenly court is the obsession with maintaining appearances over being sincere#and so much of what hc adores about xl is that xl was never really interested in those empty words and empty sentiments#he truly wanted people to prosper and live well no matter the cost to himself
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so what if i go insane and draw diakko as these panels
#so like we know how akko probably has low self-esteem post chariot reveal right#like she went all this way only to find out everything she knew was a fraud#but still powers thru lona and sorta has semi-self deprecating thoughts like kana has occasionally#diana doesnt comfort her and they get into a fight and it turns into this#*twirls hair* so like i just wanna make them suffer~#diana is so hellbent on repressing her feelings that inadvertently plummets akko's own self esteem#but akko's own source of comfort of self is that diana considers her a friend and rival but then diana avoids her and starts dating andrew#and akko's own sense of self gets WORSE and she doesnt find much to comfort#knowing it was all for naught because what she thought she had in her was just stolen long ago#like sure she saved magic and all but like it was surely traumatic for her#so wants something to confide in that no it wasnt a mistake#BUT THEN DIANA just doesnt interact with her anymore#and she tries her hardest to befriend her again after their rocky start and thought diana would be ok but then#uh oh diana catches feelings and stays away and akko's heart just breaks when diana does anything and everything to avoid her#akko after diana pushes her to the ground: do you... really hate me that much?#“youre right im still so stupid diana im sorry i wont talk to you again”#and diana just sits there in the rain like shinji on the chair LOL#diakko#aqukana#lwa#onk#little witch academia#oshi no ko#diana cavendish#akko kagari#hoshino aqua#arima kana#*eats this panels like peter eating burger meme* exquisite angst *gets food poisoning*
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i think this time of year is cursed
#last year i got horribly sick and depressed#this year i had to flee my dorm and miss classes to keep myself safe from harassment until i could work out moving times#im so fucking angry i am fuming i am furious i want to scream#i did absolutly nothing to deserve this. this wasnt a mutual argument this wasn’t a bad roomate thing this was a person using the fact that#i am a traumatized trans person to intimidate and harass me and make me feel unwelcome in my housing#i feel sick with rage.#im well liked on campus im doing fantastic in all my classes i am doing everything i can#and one person decided he hated me and fucked up my entire semester#the good thing is i am never sleeping there again. i am not returning to that dorm until i am there to move out and i am greatful#but im just so upset about the whole thing.#everyone on campus agrees i did nothing. that i didnt cause this. but i still have to carry the burden of moving#he will be talked to and i dont think he will ever feel welcome on campus after this but i am so angry he thinks so little of me he thought#he could make my life hell and face no punishment for it.
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The weirdest gripe I have with Mr Small enjoyers part of the fanbase is as to why he was unanimously agreed to be Canadian
Like
Is it some sort of American thing I don't understand or?????????
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#random.dusty#dusty.art#tawog#tawog mr small#steve small#meme#i seriously do not understand. can someone explain#just so that you'd know: i do not have a problem with this headcanon (or i guess by this point it's fanon)#it just??? confuses me??????? like why specifically canadian is there a large auditory of hippies/vegetarians in canada#????????????????????#at least with the cloud headcanon (yes i'm still just. a bit not over it) it can be easily disproved. he canonically has flesh and bones#that face has traumatized some people; my ex-pal used to use the screenshot as a meme to torment me (as a friend) 😭😭😭😭#you do you. just. idk not my thing#but the canadian headcanon - i can't even say anything about it cuz?????? you can't prove it. and neither disprove it#the only flag he's had in the show is an lgbt flag and honestly thank you#again#maybe i don't know something. i am not american. neither am i canadian. i've never been to either of these countries#amd do not know the relationship between them#the amazing world of gumball#fursona#plushsona
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Case file #101: Adam Taurus
Race: Faunus
Nationality: Atlas
Ethnicity: Mantlecean
Weapon: Wilt & Blush (note: resembles a SDC weapon prototype that was stolen about 5 years ago. The blade stores kinetic energy that is then released in the form of harsh destruction rays.)
Gender: Man
Sexuality: Gynephiliac (This information was obtained from a double agent in Menagiere)
Current Age: 21
Aura Color: Red
Handedness: Right
Complexion: Pale
Eye Color: Pale blue
Faunus trait: Bull horns (Adam has both the strength and Endurance of a Bull, according to reports.)
Occupation: White Fang Vale branch leader
Previous Occuppation: White Fang Black ops commander (Classified)
13 years ago, Adam Taurus (note: last name constructed) became the subject of a world known, yet private court case against the SDC where a brand over his left eye was used as evidence of several claims of Faunus workplace abuse. The accusers in the court case were the two leaders of the White Fang, Ghira Bête & Sienna Khan. The White Fang won the court case and an anti neo-slavery bill was passed throughout Atlas-Mantle as a result. Adam, who had recently lost his mother at the time and was a still a minor, was adopted by Sienna Khan who took him to Menagiere.
... unfortunately, 5 years ago Ghira and his wife Kali Bête were assasinated at a Faunus rally somewhere in rural Sanus. They survive by their only daughter, Blake Bête. Since then, the White Fang has cultivated a [CLASSIFIED] organization under the leadership of Sienna Khan. The leaders of the White Fang under Sienna include Adam (Vale branch leader) and Fennec & Corsac Albain (Religous leaders). Attempts by the White Fang to establish an Atlas branch have been stopped by the council (note: countinue to stop them. watch all WF gatherings in Atlas).
WARNING: ONLY MEMBERS WITH LV.5 CLARENCE ARE ALLOWED TO READ BELOW
The White Fang has a Black Ops organization being used to carry out robberies and assasinations in all of Renment. The leader of the Black Ops is Adam Taurus, with Illia Amitola (note: needs a case file) and Blake Bête (has carried out 8 known assasinations on Faunus hate groups, currently missing, needs a case file) as sub commanders. All three serve as de-facto leaders of the White Fang in the event Sienna Khan is killed (note: Do NOT assasinate Sienna Khan, it will lead to race riots. Limit anti White Fang activity to covert operations).
Adam is wanted for the murders of 64 individuals in Atlas, all of whom are connected to the SDC (note: at least 20 were family members). If spotted, do NOT kill him, he is to be captured alive under all circumstances. Allow him to flee if he cannot be captured.
[The writing below is a transcript from a page recovered from a mansion attacked by the White Fang. It is believed to come from Adam Taurus, written by him and then stabbed to the wall.]
"...your father is a white demon. He told me he loved me and would take me to Atlas, but after I gave him what he wanted he left me down here in his mines. Adam, I need you to find your father. And when you do, I want you to kill him. And his wife. And their children. Kill every human on this earth so I can forgive giving birth to a half-"
"I WILL DO IT MOM"
[End of paper dialouge]
#rwby fix it fic#rwby rewrite#rwby au#rwby#rwde#adam taurus#ghira belladonna#sienna khan#omg I am totally doing something#illia amitola#blake belladonna#writers: Adam is a branded former slave#me: but how can I make his backstory more dramatic/traumatic?#devil on my shoulder#“Adam's mom got tricked by Jacques Schnee to give him a cookie from the nookie jar so she raised her son to eant to kill all white people#i mean faunus“#me: GOLD#I didn't get to touch on Adam's relationship with Blake tho#;_;#I wanted to touch on how Adam and Jacques are like yin & yang#where Jacques is abusive because he only loves himself#and Adam is abusive because he loves people too much and has a distorted view of the world around him#how Jacques keeps belitttling Weiss cuz he just dont like her#while Adam keeps belittling Blake cuz she reminds him of his dead mom that he wanted to “save”#when really Blake just had depression after her parents died and when she finnaly starts to feel like herself again she realizes that Adam#is batshit and crazy about her but in a bad way#and he keeps talking over her concerns about how the WF keeps getting more violent because he thinks he knows better than her#so when Blake leaves the White Fang Adam just thinks she lost it like his mom did before she died#when really she was overcome with guilt and wanted to try walking a different path#OMG I RAN OUT OF TAGS TO RANT IN!!!
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you ever just think about. “You are diseased, albeit a disease of our own making. No more.” you ever just. oh, they made him and they discarded him. it’s never going to be quiet again for him, and that’s just collateral. they let the sound rot through his whole life, his whole timeline. because that’s the kind of easy sacrifice you can make when you want to save yourself above everything else, one that doesn’t ask anything of you. you dig open a child’s mind and you bury your survival inside him and when he follows the noise back home, when he does exactly what you groomed him for, you call him ruined for it. that’s. you ever just think about that.
#it’s genuinely such a horrifying sixkening thing that they unveil. what was done to the master.#and it’s like. it’s so important that he is awful. he really is. but he still does not deserve to have had this done to him.#the drums are a tragedy that cannot. would not. be a punishment earned no matter how terrible he is.#they’re such a violation of his mind. isolating and constant and violent. and it drives me insane that this is just. in the show. okay cool#ill never be normal again.#they literally pulled his head open. during a ceremony that we. as far as i know. have to assume is not exactly voluntary. and is at the#best of times. already traumatic and horrifying. but they went into that moment and they put the drums in his head and they made him into#something repulsive to them. because they did that to him! in this thing alone the master had no agency and no way out and this thing that#was done *to* him is what makes him. to them. a broken thing now past its usefulness now that he’s done what they wanted him to.#sorry im rotating him in my head again and again. this is the thing that makes him ‘diseased’. it’s that they chose to do this to him. there#is nothing he could do to not be this. he was a child and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening. he’s an adult and he’s#doing the impossible exactly like they shaped him to do and he can’t stop this from having happened to him. so he might as well follow the#drums. and then. and then rassilon calls him diseased. and im going to. lose it.#there was nothing he could have done…………..#everywhere else he has choices to make and he can burn the world and keep it as a toy and he can fuck with the doctor and he can do.#anything. anything he wants. but he can’t. there’s nothing he can do to make it stop. there’s nothing he can do to make it so this never#happened to him. and i am spinning in circles here do u see why he makes me insane.#and the doctor doesn’t even really fucking believe him that the drums are real until the master makes him listen……. oh im going to be ill.#doctor who#simm!master#the master
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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So I've been Sinning because I've been making posts on Malorn and Duncan individually but I don't think I ever really touched up on how their relationship with EACH OTHER would be and that's literally the most traumatizing thing I can think of for either of them
This is like, moreso purely speculation and 🌈 imagination🌈 anyways because I don't think there's like any canon material on the two of them interacting and their arcs and backstories are as small as bacteria in the first place but literally those two on their own could have their own fucking show with how much UNTAPPED STORYLINE that can come out of "Borderline child prodigy forced into and struggling with important position" Malorn and "Troubled child with undiscussed emotional issues and a jealousy complex borne from said position" Duncan
Idk about any type of interaction or relationship these two might have had before Malistaire became the Joker, but I can imagine there's ALREADY some type of rivalry (at LEAST one sided) between two guys in the same school in the same class, one of them is blatantly better than the other at everything they do and it's not the guy who says he is. (Like, idek how Malorn himself feels about him being the best in his class, but from what we've seen he doesn't brag about, mislead, or exaggerate about it like Duncan does. And the insane thing is Malorn AT LEAST would have a BASIS on his claims and attitude even if he was being a jerk about it)
But the thing is, Malorn back then as a regular student would not have been in any position to be up close and personal with Duncan in any meaningful way during school hours. Like they're classmates, at best they get grouped on a project together, but Malorn and Duncan being together would not be required and important until AFTER Malistaire dips and Malorn is now Duncan's PROFESSOR. Now in a totally more complicated and intimate way than before, Malorn and Duncan HAVE to interact with each other, speak and work with each other because now Malorn is the new Death teacher and he has to handle the brunt of Duncan's education and progress. GIRLS YOU NEED TO READ THAT LAST PART AGAIN BECAUSE THAT IS SO IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Malorn and Duncan literally CANNOT escape each other if they wanted to do their jobs (good, unbiased educator and student still receiving education respectively). Yeah they may not be like, personal tutor and student but Duncan is in MALORN'S class now, and just that position alone puts a type of pressure on both of them to still maintain their respective roles and civility while dealing with the person who Does Not Make You Happy on a more personal level than before. That sucks actually
Like, Duncan couldn't even lie to Malorn about how "well" he's doing in Death class when he can SEE his papers. Duncan can't hide his grades papers from his professor, Duncan is no longer able to pull the wool over Malorn's eyes like he does with EVERYONE ELSE. Duncan already had some type of issues with being second best, but imagine one of the people that was threatening Duncan's spot as first place becomes his superior. His superior that can SEE that Duncan is in fact, not the best. Duncan can't even PRETEND that Malorn isn't better than him anymore because it's been proven, when Malorn was made Professor instead of him, and Malorn himself now has an inside view of Duncan's insincerity. What little ""power"" Duncan thought he had was now ALL taken away from him
AND THEN MALORN DOESN'T HAVE IT MUCH BETTER, because here's this little shit that just seems to hate him for no reason???? Idk if Malorn ever knew about Duncan bragging about himself or his jealousy of him in general before Malistaire left, but whether or not he did before he most likely knows NOW. With his new position and him having to care for Duncan as a student rather than a peer, now suddenly Malorn is in Duncan's DIRECT line of fire and he has no wiggle room to step aside or remove himself because in order for Malorn to be a good teacher *he has to be there for Duncan*. He no longer has the luxury to just "ignore" Duncan or even put him in his place if that's what he really wanted, because now Malorn has to be a certain type of responsible and not abandon or get into fights with students that give him any issues (looking at you Malistaire and Mabrose 😒)
Yeah ofc Malorn could always discipline Duncan or smth but what's the use if this one student is just adamant on causing issues? It seems like Duncan has more of a 'hands off' type of technique when trying to get what he wants (using other people to finish his homework for him), but it's super easy to imagine Duncan just doing little or petty things to undermine Malorn's authority in any way he can. Nothing evil but just like challenging or questioning Malorn's lessons during class, mouthing off whenever he can, things that are used to blow off steam and stick it to Malorn in what little way he can definitely sounds like some shit Duncan would do. And what are you supposed to do when this kid, someone who is YOUR AGE but is still essentially supposed to be listening to YOU, is lashing out at you and disrupting class every chance he gets? Discipline him for the hundredth time?
Imagine how this grates on Malorn's nerves how on top of everything else, on top of everyone else already being jumpy and snippy around him, in addition to his entire lifestyle being turned around, even with his tutor and someone he looked up to betraying him in the worst way, even with ALL OF THAT, this *ooooooone* person decides to go out of their way to continuously punish you for it. Malorn is doing his job, what he's expected of no matter how unfair or tiring or unrewarding it may be, and he is being persecuted by someone for a job *he never even asked for*.
Malorn did not plan or hope for ANY of this to happen. Yeah being a Professor sounds cool and shit at first glance but like I've said once before Malorn at that time is still like 12 years old and the change is so absolutely sudden and jarring that Malorn couldn't have even possibly PREPARED for this situation. Whether or not Malorn is actually good at his job now does not push aside the fact that Malorn may not have even WANTED to be in that job in the first place!! We have no way of knowing if Malorn was seriously like "man I wish I was a teacher right now" at ANY point of his life, but it's safe to say he most likely DID NOT because Malorn was never flaunting or showcasing his talent to everyone like Duncan was!! Perhaps the one person who wants this THE LEAST is being unfairly judged by the person who wanted it THE MOST
AND THAT ^^^^^^^ is getting to the core of this Malorn VS. Duncan thing going on here. Two opposites, two extremes that are forced together unwillingly and they're both unnecessarily suffering for it.
And at the end, when The Wizard is trying to do shit and Duncan pops up like "aaayyyy 🤪🖕" and is defeated in 2 seconds, how does that affect them both? Does Malorn ever like, know this about Duncan? Did Duncan even graduate before he was manipulated into a literal cult?
Imagine how messed up Malorn would feel if he ever found out. Would he take it personally, even though none of it was his fault? Would he still FEEL that it was his fault, that the one person who hated him sooo much it became the catalyst to his downfall? Would Malorn feel responsible for Duncan and all the hurt he's caused and all the hurt he's felt even though he shouldn't?
And the saddest part is even if Malorn did suffer any type of way from knowing how Duncan turned out to be, his responsibilities wouldn't leave him that much time to mourn before he had to go back to work. The saddest part is that even though Duncan was told over and over that he was alone and that nobody cared for him, he had Malorn by his side the entire time more than willing to support him. Their relationship is so interesting to me because it's so tragic and multifaceted when ultimately things could have been at least moderately better if the world hadn't let them both down
#loooooooooong post#very long post#but seeing that art of them by ghostcond i was like ''THIS IS IT. THATS IT THATS EXACTLY WHAT IVE BEEN MISSING''#im actually crying for two little kids rn like LMAO#once again 90% of this never really happened between them LMAO but it could have and THATS WHATS MOST IMPORTANT#kingsisle really had a goldmine here with these two characters and theyre never connected or expanded upon#understandable because the game's not about them but im still mourning what he could have had#nobody can take this away from me. these boys are Traumatized and that is how they will be to me#im such a loser for young children being thrusted into positions of immense power all of a sudden and theres like so much of that here#morganthe. malorn. duncan. us. like bro#we're all like the sides of a weirdly four-faced coin#i just love how stories delve into people so young being screwed over with the power they dont know what to do with and how it effects them#malorn may not have become like the rest of us in terms of sheer power level but his professor status is a position of power#that he WAS NOT READY FOR#i havent slept in like 6 hours lmao so imma stop these rambling tags but ANYWAY. cry for them#wizard101#w101#wiz101#malorn ashthorn#duncan grimwater
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Obligatory: i am still very delicate. be gentle with me.
#had an actually very traumatizing experience a few days ago and am still having mini breakdowns every few hours when my brain gets too quiet#it was a planned and known experience so i’m Okay. i knew it was going to happen#but that didn’t make dealing with it any easier at the end of the day#kinda feel like i’m never gonna be the same and it’s fucking me up#but it’s OKAY#it’s fine#i’m getting through it - i’m just mildly unstable at the moment#i slept for ten hours yesterday and i feel like i could do it again#so just please be nice to me#not that y’all aren’t - you’re so nice and i love you#just letting y’all know in case i seem a little funny or smth
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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I AM SO GLAD I'M STILL ALIVE FOR ALL THIS
#personal#really thought the blob full of nothing but terror and grief stage was permanent for a while there#and i wasn't even suicidal anymore i thought i had just permanently borked my brain#no!!!!!!! it just needed time! and my body needed more health!!! and i needed more community again!#DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!! if you're seeing this and you're exhausted beyond your bones or being eaten alive by a black hole#please know that you don't need to have hope and you don't need to be gung ho about it to survive#just keep going through the slog and take any opportunity that seems vaguely better each time you can#and rest rest rest i guarantee you that you need unholy amounts of rest that you're not getting#and just hold on. just hold on. it might take years but god everyone was right it was worth it to stay and keep going a while longer#you can give up on life. just don't give up on yourself. you keep hold of yourself and don't let ANYONE convince you to let go including#your own brain. you are SO much cooler and braver and wilder and livelier than you think you are and you're only going to improve over time#i love you and i'm here if there's anything i can do for you#don't be afraid to change your mind and don't be afraid to demand your right to live#those are my two rules for life at this point besides the cardinal rule of 'everyone is suffering and traumatized so be as kind as possible#and watch what happens in a snowball effect around you'#i love you. i love you. i am so glad i am alive to love you.
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a blazing sun against winter frost
#when they said that was the prosecutor's badge was supposed to represent i had to get up and walk around a bit#just something about all the finale cases happening in winter GETS TO ME ALRIGHT#A PHOENIX IN WINTER#MEANWHILE THERE'S THIS ASSHOLE#throws hands up#anyway this is my ffxiv au bc i am mentally ill#and creating DL-6 in aus is practically this fandom's specialty so here's my shot#CRIMSON DUELIST GREG...........TAKEN IN BY LEGATUS MVK.....................IT WRITES ITSELF#holds up baby miles by the arms: anyone gonna traumatize this?#i need to get back into the hang of editing but once i do and finally pull off a decent phoenix#shakes my fist#what if we were childhood best friends separated by the garlean invasion :blush: and i joined the resistance to meet you again#mypost#how the hell do i tag him so he doesnt show up in searches#miles rem edgeworth#SNORTS
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It's pretty fun for me to play Zelda games in a manner mostly isolated from fandom opinions. Like don't get me wrong I've absorbed a lot of LOZ spoilers, headcanons, interpretations etc. via osmosis, I am not playing these games blind. But regardless of how many spoilers and fanart/fanfic I've seen going through the AO3 tag after playing BOTW was still an Experience because it made me realize that the way I interpret both Link as a character and the game as a whole is apparently completely counter to the majority fandom opinion. Something I was blissfully oblivious to while playing the game.
#Once again I want to become a more genuine person who approaches media analysis on a basis of joy in its own right#And not lead every one of my posts with 'so I've seen ppl do this and here's why I think they're wrong'#I am failing bc I'm full of spite but worse than that I also genuinely enjoy being a hater#But I'm not even mad this time. I dont even think ppl are necessarily wrong to interpret#Post-calamity link as their traumatized little meow meow#I think it's less interesting than my interpretation bc I think it loses the contrast between pre- and post-calamity link#But its not WRONG. Link doesnt exactly get a whole lot of characterization even in botw#He's still mostly a blank slate so ppl get to do what they want with him. The game doest contradict it#I'm just. So confused ppl looked at botw and went 'link's trauma would be worse post-calamity or at least carry over in its full force'#Like u don't think the hard reset that was the shrine of resurrection and experiencing the wonders as a free spirit like#Had. Y'know. An effect?#I honestly just don't think post-calamity Link is all that traumatized anymore. I think that shit was more effective than therapy#It's not an uncommon interpretation im aware but im still shocked at the amount of ppl that didnt have it#Does that make sense or am I insane?#My posts#Loz#Botw
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