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ivyial · 9 months

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RIGHT SO

after my previous reblog, i feel compelled to write a "short" post (love letter) about (to) this game

so for those of you who haven't played it, or never even heard of it, professor layton vs phoenix wright: ace attorney is a crossover game between the two franchises (you'll have guessed it from the title) and it is PAINFULLY underrated :,) (i also hear that it is now hard to get physical copies of this game at a decent price so i'm glad i kept mine)

essentially used to be my favourite game of all time before it got dethroned by the resident evil 4 remake (but i will forever remember it fondly). i remember my parents gifted it to me for easter back in 2014 (so i was around 12 back then) and i don't think they realised how much this would change me. like this is one of the reasons why i started thinking about studying law later LMAOO.

essentially layton and phoenix both end up helping this young girl, espella (i played it in french back then and her name is aria so their english names are a struggle for me) who is being hunted by witches and then put on trial in london for the assault of a ship's crew member. then the wildest thing happens and they get sucked into a book and are sent back to medieval times. yes it sounds insane. but in this small town called labyrinthia, witches are real, and so are witch trials (DOESN'T IT SOUND COOL AS FUCK??).

they've all forgotten who they are, though. phoenix doesn't remember being an attorney and layton doesn't remember anything either. they find espella again, and she's put on trial AGAIN, for witchcraft this time. the game alternates between the usual layton riddles and ace attorney's investigation/trial phases. the odds are high this time around, because those found guilty of witchcraft are shoved into a metal cage and plunged into a pit of fire. they're not messing around.

of course, it wouldn't be layton or ace attorney without a massive plot twist at the end. i'd argue this one is probably the most insane out of all layton games (it's even a bit far fetched tbh, but just saying, you do not see it coming) (okay it's even full of plot holes and i haven't revisited the ending in years but if i did, i think it would be detrimental to my mental health).

the art style is amazing - i'm in love with the later ace attorney art styles, starting from dual destinies and this game, and particularly the latest great ace attorney chronicles. here are a few of my favourite character designs from the game:

but overall, one of the best things about the game has to be the soundtrack. it is the perfect mix of both franchises' music and it is a CRIME that neither level 5 nor capcom have released this on spotify (capcom i know you have all other AA soundtracks on this app. add this one. i am begging you). if you've never played an ace attorney game before, then you do not know the sheer adrenaline of phoenix shouting OBJECTION and the music speeding up. here's one of my favourite tracks:

youtube

tell me this doesn't make you immediately want to confess to 47 crimes you haven't committed.

it's kind of the perfect crossover game if you're into the genre, it's perfectly balanced between riddles and trials. the stakes are also a lot higher and there's actual executions. maybe i shouldn't have played this at the age of 12 actually - at some point (spoilers ahead), maya is wrongly executed and the scene will forever haunt me for some reason:

youtube

(go to 18:06 if the youtube timestamp doesn't work) i chose the french version of the cutscene because it's the one i played back then and i find that the french dub is a lot more compelling than the english one (somehow? the french haven't produced a good dub in decades so). also maya's screams are downright heartbreaking and the scene was traumatising asf when i was a kid

ANYWAY. please play this game, it's so much fun. for the AA enthusiasts, there's an edgeworth cameo at the very end. i very much fear that this game will be forgotten eventually, but it warms my heart to see that there are still people talking about it on the internet.

#it is THE game of my childhood #professor layton #phoenix wright ace attorney #professor layton vs phoenix wright: ace attorney #professor layton vs phoenix wright ace attorney #phoenix wright #hershel layton #luke triton #maya fey #Youtube #plvpw

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cocaineavalanche · 12 days

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It's my 9 year anniversary on Tumblr.. damn.

I didnt even plan on living that long.

I did medically die a few times but well, they resuscitated me, (un)fortunately?

I'm closer to my goals than EVER.

I know that in a year, or two, maximum 3, I will live my perfect ideal life, my desired future.

I'm 20,5 now, will turn 21 at Aug 24th.

It's just so unbelievable to me that I've been almost a decade on tumblr..

I know I was 11, started with an ED/depression blog, turned into a drug blog, then slowly into a manifestation one. First LOAttraction, then finally LOAssumption, also shifting and the void. (And some 18+ stuff, hehe LMAOO. Just 2 horny, desperate and boyfriendless damn lmaoo)

I'm so happy about my transformation, my change, my growth.

I'm excited for the future, I know I will live my best life. Better than my desires ever could be.

Even if I'm talking with so much optimism and hope, my mental health has deteriorated.

To be honest, I'm.. lost? I don't know. It's just so bad, and I don't tell anyone how bad it actually is. I wanna be a rock, a cliff which people can hang on, I wanna be that one thing which is constant in their lifes. Where they can let out all their emotions, worries, fears, but also hopes, wishes, dreams, motivations. Just everything.

Sometimes I wish they knew what I'm doing..

Okay, I'm drifting off.

Thank you so much for 9 years on this app.

Much love to everyone.

Never lose hope, never give up on life.

Love y'all <3

#9 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

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evermorehoon · 10 months

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better understanding of babies, you say? how interesting….. 👁(breathes in the steps of parenthood) **this wasn’t meant to be pressuring you or anything i just miss your writing :) i hope your mental health is improving and you’re enjoying your time with your VERY REAL AND TRUE genshin boyfriend🙏

It's okay, anonnie, I was actually thinking about it when I posted that😭 I occurred to me that researching caretaking and actually taking care of a baby is quite different and difficult!

My parents are unknowingly helping me with the development since they try helping my brother take care of his son and give him a bit of pointers. For example, when my nephew came here for like an hour (he's 3 weeks old btw) my mom could almost physically sense that he had a bad gas build-up so she and my dad took turns getting it out and whatnot. All I did was let him hold my finger and sort of keep him awake so he'd sleep through the night, he's quite fond of my finger😭

But don't worry, maybe one day I'll update it with this better knowledge that I have of newborns seeing as I've never actually held one until 3 weeks ago lmaoo.

Yes, me and my very real 3 genshin boyfriends🥰❤️

My mental health has never changed tho but I'm not depressed, I'm a genius!

#raven received 📬#anons 💭#thank you anonnie actually!#i was hoping someone would catch on to that😭#but yes seeing my parents do parenting actually sparked a thought in me #seeing as i held him wrong and he just wiggled in my hands #kind of an honour that he doesnt cry when i hold him

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tempural · 2 years

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oh my goshh i love your website so much!!!! going through all the pages and reading your comics and zines ahh its such an inspiration, like the girl scout yearbook zine and the tf2 gore zine from 2020??? absolutely BLOWS my mind clicking through the pages and reading the fics and introductions, just taking in all those wonderful works oooooh there are such talented artists featured in your zines.... i have so much of their as well as your work saved onto a big file LOL..... also the scoutspy shrine???? (which i cant quite find at the moment... 😢 did you delete it?) from what i remember the last 4 times i read it, it summed up SO well my ideal narrative for a scout x spy dynamic that more played on "selfcest" like you phrased it, with spy seeing himself in scout! and being more inordinate friends to the end; coworkers that sort of rag each other and piss the other off but ultimately have a very strong bond, rather than a lovey dovey dominant suit man x inexperienced soft boy, or a dude popping a boner for his long lost son. it was really enjoyable reading your take on the two of them! and really helped me grasp what i could do with characters like scout and spy instead of just drawing them standing next to each other lmaoo

but my fan letter aside 😁😁 i had a question!!!! have you ever been websurfing through obscure websites via neocities or buddy links, or collected 88x31 buttons or stamps? i was curious if you participated in old web culture given you have your own site!!!!

Hi! Thank you for the very kind message! I'm glad I could help you interpret Scout x Spy in your own way! That's all I could ever ask for. I don't like dictating how and why people should like fictional concepts... I love that we can get people to think for themselves after reading and interpreting things in their own way. My favorite dynamic will always be of Just Friends in that Squidwart and Spengbab way, but anyone can have any other interpretation!

The ScoutSpy shrine is right here:

https://scumsuck.com/scoutspy/index.html

It's due for an update since I learned about css grids! And because I need to upload all my old TF2 art on there :)

I've been fiddling a LOT with my site the last week because it's been too cold to draw. Which is why the url probably changed LOL. It's not too cold to code though 😏

And indeed, I have been surfing through neocities for the last couple of days. (found a great article about disconnecting from the toxicity of social media for your mental health and your art's sake) I don't participate in any community because I am a hermit, but I've always liked lurking since I was a wee lad.

I have my links page with my button, and my friends' buttons here:

https://scumsuck.com/links/index.html

If y'all have any personal sites you wanna share, please do so! I love looking at everyone's design senses and writing!

#asks #hella long posts

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electro-kins · 3 years

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Hi! Thank you so much for letting me ask your opinion, and sorry for the late response 😓 You’re always free to delete this if it makes you uncomfortable! Excuse my horrible grammar and formatting. I think there were many issues with this on both sides, and my explanation is terrible. I’m just worried I’m being a jerk, or, at worst, sexist.

James = Male friend (I’m not sure if it matters, but cisgender/heterosexual)

Skyler = Agender/bisexual/biromantic friend

- They’re not out to James, so he thinks of them as their AGAB (female) (<- I asked them if that’s okay to specify and they said yes). They’ve been dropping blatant hints that they’re bi, though.

Serenity = Me (biromantic/gender unlabeled; but assumed female)

All fake names, of course.

So, we were communicating on Discord by randomly changing the group chat name, and this happened:

Skyler changed the chat name: ✨Women✨

James changed the chat name: ✨Women are hot✨ lol

Serenity changed the chat name: True, but it sounds kind of weird when James says it*

James: Rude

James: Why is it strange when I say it huh?

Skyler (paraphrased because their original message was sort of confusing): I think with women it comes off more as friendliness/respect and with men it comes off kind of creepy

James (direct reply to Skyler’s message): This is why (some) men have it worse in society

And then it was basically turned into this thing about the problems that men deal with. It wasn’t a discussion, just him stating different things men go through because I asked him to clarify what he was saying.

TW: R#pe mention after red heart, safe after blue heart

Most of the things he brought up were absolutely true and I 100% agree with them ❤️ - topics like male mental health, r#pe victims, etc. 💙 My issue wasn’t that. I guess it feels different gushing with a fellow LGBTQ+ friend, and him coming in with the comment about women being hot just sorta… rubbed me the wrong way. To me, it’s like he’s saying that (some) men “have it worse in society” because I found the “hot” comment uncomfortable. But I’m worried I’m being a jerk/sexist/excluding him/misunderstanding/blowing things out of proportion, or something along those lines :(

* I know that this definitely wasn’t the best way to word things, it does sort of feel isolating or like I’m shaming him somehow 😥 I do plan to apologize.

hii hii, of course!! you're welcome, i'm happy to listen and give you advice <3 i just read through the whole thing and my advice would definitely be you two apologizing to each other!! i really dislike how your friend started bringing up men having it worse than woman just because you both called him strange, he's not oppressed because he made you both uncomfy LMAOO... i fully agree with you on how it sounds like he only brought that up because you told him he's strange and not because he genuinely cares about men's struggles that are often ignored. seriously rubs me the wrong way, if i were involved i'd be more upset by that than the original problem ʕ⁎̯͡⁎ʔ and when it comes to what he originally said about women being hot, it's valid you were uncomfy <3 but i think it's also valid he asked why and most likely got upset hearing the only reason it bothered you two was because he's a guy. if you and james are good friends and you've never felt he was creepy before him changing the group name, my advice would be apologizing for telling him he's strange for simply contributing to the conversation/joke your friend started about liking woman. in the future you can dm skyler when you feel like gushing with a fellow lgbt member, i also find it kinda awkward to talk about loving woman around cishet people sooo maybe just leave him out those convos HFBDHSHA ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪ i hope my advice and opinions on the situation helped <33 lastly, everything i said is meant to be lighthearted and taken from the context you gave so remember you know your friends best!! if you plan on apologizing i hope it goes well bestie ∩^ω^∩ have a nice day/night!!

#༻✧ are you going to be lisa's little helper? ; chatting #answered ask #ask #asks #cw rape #tw rape #cw vent #tw vent

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thestarssystem · 3 years

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hello! same anon who asked the last question about being able to send an ask! i've been having questions about whether or not i could be an osdd system (1b to be specific) but i can't find answers to sone questions so i was hoping you could help me out? it's really long, sorry:(

1. the thing i have the most issues with is alters fronting. i don't exactly know how it feels to have another alter fronting and taking control of the body. there's only been a few times where i've genuinely felt like i wasn't in control of my body & felt trapped in it but other than that, whenever all my other alters(?) fronted i would still generally be able to control the body. i don't know how to explain it. for example, an alter who i think is a protector was fronting last night but besides the name and some traits, everything was pretty much still the same, like as if i was the protector? and i'm not the most knowledgeable on how osdd works, but should i be feeling atleast somewhat out of my control ?? it's happened pretty much every time an alter(?) has fronted(?) and i ended up in a really bad mood after trying to validate the possibility i might have osdd because i didn't know if this was real or if i was just being delusional. and this is kinda a silly question but when another alter fronts, thinking is still the same, right? like they can still talk in their head like a singlet would and such

2. 'voices' in your head - a lot of systems i've come across generally have the voices. i don't, atleast i don't think i do. again, i don't know how it would be if i experienced it. is it like how someone would talk to you irl? or is it more vague? or is it like, more of a feeling that you can't really 'hear' but yk it's saying that?

3. i can't exactly communicate with my alters, if i have any. i don't know how to and even then it feels really odd trying to talk to myself and again, i start to feel dumb/delusional again because osdd may not even be the case.

4. similar to the last thing, is it normal to 'talk' to your system? like last night for example, it's a blurry memory now but i remember 'we're going to bed now' 'we're gonna do this and then sleep' and such, despite the fact i know we can't really communicate. i think another alter was fronting then

4. i have trouble recognizing my alters as seperate identities and people, and rather tend to think they're pieces of me. so like, if another alter were to do something, and later i fronted, and if i would talk about what the other alter did i would still use "i did" rather than "(other alter) did". i'd just like some advice on this part

5. i have no idea whether or not systems i've met have 'different talents' but i've seen it going around a lot. to be more specific, my 'talents' or other stuff has never really changed. i usually still have social anxiety, my triggers are usually still the same, i've never suddenly gotten good at anything, and so on. is it a normal/common thing for systems for that not to happen?

6. memory. i have really bad memory, which actually led me to did/osdd (+ 8/9 year old me going "why do i feel like two people" and googling it years ago), and i always have trouble recalling what happened. after i do anything and i try to think back to it - it's just foggy. i can sometimes remember a bit of what happened, but generally i'll have to think for a bit and the visual memory of it will just be really really blurry. this happens pretty much every day but i have no idea if it does the same with important events because nothing important has really happened. and another thing - when you switch, do you still remember friends/online friends/family? i've had times where they've seemed odd(?) and somewhat unrecognizable but i've always known it's them, same with trauma and other stuff. i've always kinda known about it.

7. i've tested some things multiple times. for example, a few days or weeks ago, i was doing and typing stuff on discord in a server just for me, for fun. when i went away and checked back later, i know that it was me who did it, just not,, me, yk? like it happened with my own fingers and hands, i didn't have exact visual memories that i did it, but i had memory of doing it, so like, i knew, despite the fact another alter could've been the one doing it. same thing happened last night - now that i look back at the account i, or my alter, created, i can tell it wasn't exactly 'me', but i still had memory doing it. and it's never been like "what is this? i have zero memory of doing this" or something like that

8. i don't really have roles for my alters. well, some do. for example i think a protector (and maybe caretaker as well) was fronting last night. i just have trouble with the roles? if that makes sense. unless it comes naturally, like the protector for example, it's just kinda really hard for me to make stuff out. i also have dpdr & i dissociate and i believe that influences on how i view my identity and how i can't really make out stuff, even stuff like emotions, my opinion on something, who's fronting, etc.

9. as far as i know, systems have an 'inner world', right? i know some systems that don't, but i'm not sure if i have it and i dont know how to find out if i do

to add on, i'm kinda worried i might just be thinking i have osdd because i've been exposed(?) to it and that i might just be delusional and that i'm just making people up

lastly, would it be a good idea to try to reach out to alters? and if i should, how would i do so? thank you :D !! again, i'm really really sorry this was so long! don't stress yourself out on this please:]

- fox

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained mental health professionals! All of the information we give is coming from our own experience as a system, or from research we have done! We always recommend that, if at all possible, you speak to a therapist about OSDD/DID!

hello! thanks for you questions! i’ll do my best to answer everything haha. I’m going to section everything off in the same way you did, but there may be some overlap between questions!

1.)I’m gonna start my answer to this by saying that switching feels and looks different for every system. There is no one way to switch. What happens for us when we fully switch is the obvious dissociative feeling, and then it feels like we’re “falling” almost and then after that falling feeling, we’ve switched. With your experience you’re describing, though, it seems more like co-conscious or co-fronting. Co-conscious is typically a feeling like you’re still in full control of the body, but another alter is in the ‘passenger seat of the car’ and is giving their thoughts on what’s happening on the outside. Co-fronting is more of a feeling where you feeling like you’re half in control of your body, and another alter has half control of your body. This can be a moment (that i’ve vaguely described on my tumblr actually) of feeling like “this isn’t my hand. I’m not controlling that arm.” However, that feeling can also happen with depersonalization. To help you tell the difference, i think it could be helpful to journal when/if you get those feelings and if you “feel” different, like you could actually be another alter. —/ part b.) for my system at least, thinking is still the same, regardless of who’s fronting. I’m not sure if that’s the same for other systems, but i’ve never heard or seen anyone talking about thinking being any different, but i have heard systems discussing something i’ll address in #2

2.) so, in my experience, my system does not audibly hear each other’s voices. Some systems do, and some systems have a different form of communication. Since i can’t talk about audible voices, i’ll only talk about ‘intrusive thought’ communication, which is what we experience. For my system, we get an intrusive thought of sorts. It’s just a thought, but we can tell who it’s coming from (honestly not really sure how, it’s just a feeling. I can always tell who is telling me something) That thought is different from normal thinking though, because it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from us and it has a different... vibe?? idk i honestly can’t really think of how to explain it lmaoo. To continue my answer from part 1, alters can use something called “passive influence” which is where they ‘control’ your thoughts to get what they want. An easy example is if someone asks what you (the fronting alter) want to drink and you want to answer water, but another alter wants sprite, they can use passive influence to say that YOU want sprite, when really you don’t. That’s the only way I can really think of the act of thinking being different though haha.

3.) my system doesn’t really have the best internal communication, but that’s the case for a lot of systems, especially new ones. It takes time and determination. One of the ways i’ve seen suggested to help with internal communication is before you go to sleep, when you’re in the calm and peaceful state, just ask into your head if anyone is there and wants to talk to you. Let them knower they’re safe and that you want to talk. Keep the convo friendly and ask them about themselves (i.e their name, age, role {if they have one}, favorite color, etc)

4.) to be completely honest, it’ll just take practice to change your habit of using “i did.” I don’t know how old you are, but you went your entire life up until this point believing you were a singlet. Using “i did” is still natural for you to use as a default. Try to catch yourself as (or after) you say “i did” and try to correct yourself and overtime that habit will hopefully be broken. The same goes for not really recognizing your alters. You went your whole life thinking everything was just ‘you’ (the host) so now, when discussing OSDD, it might be hard to really pinpoint who is who. That’ll just take time though. But don’t force your alters to fit a specific mold you made for them. Everything with figure itself out eventually

5.) what you described (with different talents and different mental health issues) doesn’t happen to my system and i believe it doesn’t happen to a good portion of systems, especially OSDD systems. The only thing that really changes for my system from alter to alter is preferences, such as food, instruments (my system knows how to play 8 instruments and each alter prefers one over the other lmao), and hobbies (like reading, painting, and writing) HOWEVER, we all still can paint and play all 8 of our instruments with the same skill. Our skill level doesn’t change between alter, just our desire to do that activity (if that makes any sense lmao)

6.) problems with memory and forgetting things is not a sign of OSDD-1b. Dissociative amnesia is only a sign of OSDD-1a and DID. I think it might be helpful to keep track of your switches and see if your memory “fog” overlaps with it. If yes, then you should probably consider check out OSDD-1a or DID. If it doesn’t, my honest suggestion is to consider talking to a doctor/therapist about memory problems and short term memory loss. (also to answer your question asking if we remember online friends: yes, we always remember other people, regardless of who’s fronting)

7.) this relates back to the memory question. OSDD-1b is not characterized by forgetfulness or memory problems. With OSDD-1b, you will never have that moment of “I don’t remember doing this” unless there is a VERY specific reason (i.e. a traumatic event that needs to be hidden) It is normal, on the other hand, to know that another alter did something, rather than you, and still have memory of it.

8.) i think roles are difficult for a lot of systems. I know my system had (and still has) a little bit of trouble with roles. My biggest advice is actually something i’m following rn and that’s to not force roles. Let alters naturally choose their roles. It may take a really long time though, but that’s okay. It might help to do some research as well. Google all the different alter types and see if you can pinpoint some that fit your system (like i said though, don’t forget those roles! let them have the ultimate decision)

9.) My system doesn’t have an inner world. We have something called Aphantasia which makes it impossible to see images in our head. There are systems who don’t have an inner world, however i don’t know if there is a specific reason or not. Ive heard that meditating can help you access the inner world, as well as, once again, trying to access it before you fall asleep. However, because I can’t have an inner world, i haven’t done much research on the topic and I suggest that you try and find a method that works for you :)

closing points: When considering any type of mental health problem/ mental disorder, make sure you’re not bending the diagnostic criteria to fit you. With OSDD, there are slight differences between every system, but nothing major that would require serious bending of the criteria. At the very end, you asked if you should try and reach out to your alters. You DEFINITELY should. They’re scared and confused, just like you. I think my answer for 3.) gives a good, easy starting point for alter communication c:

I hope these answers helped, at least a little. Good luck and stay safe xx

-the stars system (written by multiple alters all at different times)

~sorry if there’s any typos~

#osdd protector #osdd positivity #did osdd #osdd problems #osdd alter #osdd community #actually osdd #osdd support #osdd system #osdd #osdd 1b #dissociative system #dissociative alters #other specified dissociative disorder

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xiaojaan · 3 years

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Hello Jay so there r a lot of people next to me and I'm texting u so it may seem like I'm busy doing something but in the same time I can check up on youu...how are you dooooing!! Its 12 42 sheet. Just 2 moore days for new yeaaar!!! adndgdsnsjsk I hope next year is betterrr!! omg the people around me are trying to make me talk to them now... there's this kid that's creepily staring at me now omfg. I hope they go away asap. I'm sorry if this ask sounds weired lmfaoo. GoOd NiGhT❤️💕

Omg Ivy hiii!!! ok so i have been a bit stressed out lately final exams are coming and its more like 2 more days in datesheet............... iykyk😭 but this year has been really weird like my mental health had gotten so better and then suddenly 2020 comes and it was a bit of a downhill for a few months from april to august but i am still stable, like i didnt trust myself to be this okay by the end of the year but i am... so yeah survived this lmao but also i figured out these gender debates with myself and i have gotten comfortable with myself if that makes any sense lol my family isnt like the most best place to live in tbh sometimes they can be just mentally exhausting so it was a bit hard to be here 24/7 it gets tiring at times ://... but like this year as a whole was a mix of good and bad (well mostly bad but you get it) really hope next year is better i have done nothing but rot in my bed the whole year but some people had it so much worse 2021! pour mercy on us!😌✨🔮 How are you Ivy you always check up on me and whenever i change themes or post anything and this is just a wholehearted thank you i am so grateful to have people like you it makes me emo sometimes you’re a literal wholeass angel love you so much💖💖 hoping a good year for you too!!! and omg where are you at almost 1am lmaoo jhddhfsdksdkj i hope the weird people go away soon too lmao 😂😂 Good night! this was so sweet of you to check on me love you so much💚💚

#love the new url tho #secondwifee #my mutuals

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consistent-self-destruction · 3 years

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detachment hours !!!

i can feel myself getting a headache and RAWHHH

what the FUCK is this mood and WHAT brand of mental illness is it stemming from because GRAHHHDSKDFNDSK

i feel like the word "manic" depicts this energy n mood perfectly, but im also vaguely aware that manic/mania are terms reserved for actual mental health conditions so to use them to describe my state would feel wrong and invasive but JUST for lack of a better word i'll use it for now with respects

HEY BAES XOXOXO

i have literally no followers on this blog LMAOO i'm literally talking to myself but it's fun ig

anywho so i think im losing my grip on myself and detaching from reality again lol

and it's weird bc people have described the sensation of detachment to me before but this doesnt FEEL like that, but it doesnt feel numb either?? it feels like my brain just running without any actual thoughts so that i dont break down. i dont know how to describe that??? like a moving hamster wheel going SPEED but like without the hamster.

and i just find EVERYTHING funny and talk out loud to my ceiling and myself and my stuffies, literal fucking inanimate objects

like my computer was being slow like a little over 5 minutes ago and i shook it in front of my face and went "you STUPID FUCKING DINOSAUR" and started GIGGLING to myself cause that meme is FUNNY AS HELL LMAOAOAO

im literally just talking and referencing dumbass memes to myself and laughing for no reason and feeling v silly v goofy in a gen z way that's just indescribeable and i just. i dont understand what this is.

- ive got a god tier depression room rn

- i havent showered in a couple days lol

- i havent been productive like i was and even tho im doing well in most of my classes i have like a 21 in english bc my teacher is overwhelming with all the google classroom posts and things get lost in the stream and it's just a MESS and very disorganized and that lack of organization and order STRESSES ME OUT and i lost track of everything in that class and im too overwhelmed to pick up the pieces

- dont even talk to me ab college i think i'll cry lol

- i just have no sense of time or deadlines, and im falling back into familiar patterns of just letting everything go and i know once i let go i cant pick it back up and i cant have lost it all already, the year just started

- i dont know what im doing !!! scared-

okay wait i just felt myself hold back a MAJOR sob so i think i WONT go into that anymore bc clearly that's a lot LMAOOO

anyways sitting down and writing calmed down some of the manic unhinged jumpy energy but

im still freezing cold for no reason, my head keeps ticking for no reason (no i dont have tourettes), i still feel that headache coming on, and im not gonna find motivation or a sense of direction any time soon and anyways im really fucked up rn and i think it's cause i spent like an hour or 2 just stalking people i knew from my old school because i miss them even tho they dont remember me and im fucking PISSED that my parents pulled me out bc i think i wouldve like myself sm better rn if i'd stayed.

okay not going into that either, i feel myself starting to cry there too LOL WTF

i just cant grip reality rn and i keep obsessing over things and people i cant have and the life i couldve lived bc i dont like the life im living now and i feel like i cant CHANGE the life im living now // so nothing's changing in the present and nothing will change so #ESCAPISM tingz, and staying in my romanticized past and indulging in what couldve been now // AND I CANT STOP AND I CANT PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS ENERGY AND AHHHH

i dont know who to talk to about it or HOW to talk about it and how i could even get help w pushing out of this anyway but yuh

we're feeling #stuck #manic #COLD ASF #ticking #escaping reality and all that jaz asf

crying sobbing sliding down walls tbh

im not okay.

- 9:27 pm // 10.27.21 -

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