#so i wrote like 2/3 of this before writing what i posted for part 6 so finishing this was quick
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Porcelain Steve - Part 7
Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five🦇Part Six🦇Part Seven🦇Part Eight🦇Part Nine
((TW for this part; period typical slurs and internalized homophobia. Read the tags before clicking readmore if you want the details))
Steve has been a porcelain doll for seven weeks when disaster strikes.
"What is that," Jeff says, because even though the words are in an order which would suggest that it's a question, the tone of voice Jeff uses decidedly is not questioning.
"What is whaaa-AH! Nothing! It's nothing!" Eddie, who was torso deep into his closet throwing things around to find his backup amp cord, turns to look at what Jeff was talking about, and is now launching himself across his room to stand between Jeff and Porcelain Steve. Porcelain Steve, who Eddie had lain on his bed, propped slightly on a pillow, headphones carefully perched on his little head, hooked to a cassette player currently playing the first hour of last week's Top 40 countdown that Eddie had taped for him (all three hours of it, leaving out the chatter of the radio show host. He'd had to use two tapes to get it all).
"Nothing sure looks a lot like a doll in headphones, Munson," Jeff has an amazing poker face but Eddie's certain he can see a bit of judgement underneath the carefully blank expression Jeff is wearing.
"I don't know what you're talking abo- hey! Hey, no, no, don't!" Eddie tries to bodily block Jeff when he moves forward and the two end up wrestling, a match that Eddie almost wins, if not for the hazard that is his messy room. He gets Jeff walked almost to the door before he steps wrong on something, ankle rolling and sending him down sideways. He clutches at Jeff but can't make purchase and Jeff, the bastard, does fuck-all to try and catch him. Instead, Jeff leaps out of arm's length, then lunges onto the bed as Eddie collapses to his floor.
Eddie frantically tries to stand and, in his haste, ends up with his feet tangled in a pile of dirty laundry and that sends him crashing down again, this time forward onto his hands and knees, so he gives up on standing and crawls the few short feet to the bed, finally looking up to see that the damage has been done.
Jeff has picked up Steve, holding him inches from his own face, eyes squinted in suspicion. Eddie is frozen, horrified and afraid, and can't bring himself to do anything as Jeff examines Steve closely, turning him around, poking his torso, flipping him upside down to examine his shoes more thoroughly. It's only when Jeff reached for the shirt, pinching the hem of it between two fingers that Eddie kicks back into action.
He lunges up, one knee on the bed, leaning over to grab Steve and yank him from Jeff's grip. His first instinct is to throw Steve over his shoulder, out of sight out of mind mentality, but as soon as he does, he realizes his mistake and twists, lunging to catch Steve in midair. He does manage to catch Steve, but it sends him bouncing off his dresser and almost back to the floor before he manager to regain his balance, where he proceeds to cradle Steve to his chest, which is heaving from the adrenaline, wrestling match, and subsequent dive after Steve.
Jeff is giving him a concerned look but something else piques his interest; Jeff reaches over and picks up the headphones, holding them up to one ear. His face goes through every emotion a human could possibly experience in less than fifteen seconds as he listens to whatever track was at the forty-ish minute mark on the Top 40 countdown.
Slowly, Jeff lowers the headphones, letting them drop to the bed before he gives Eddie a new, more judgmental, yet infinitely more concerned, look. "Eddie. What. The fuck."
Honestly, he's not sure there's anything he can say in response.
"Why- I don't... are you okay, man?" Jeff sounds both scared for Eddie, and scared of him, at the same time.
"I'm fine," Eddie manages to squeak out.
"Eddie," Jeff says seriously, "this is not fine. This is- this is insane behavior. You know that, right?"
"I've no idea what you mean," Eddie doesn't even know what he's defending himself from but his default response to anything is to defend himself. He grips Steve tightly around the torso with one hand and then moves both his hands to be behind his back so Jeff will stop staring at Steve.
"I mean this fuckin' insane shrine you have dedicated to Steve fucking Harrington. How did you even get a doll that looks like him. Did you- did you make that?"
Fuck. Holy fuck. What can he say to defend himself here? Is there a single way for him to come out of this not sounding deranged? If he agrees, let's Jeff's drawn conclusion be the truth, then that's all but confirmation to Steve about his big fat crush, so when Steve's back to being Steve he'll never look at Eddie again. Jeff might think he needs mental help, but he'll be here for Eddie. If he tries to deny the accusation, then he'll need an explanation. He'll have to tell Jeff something that make him seem less like a creepy stalker, but what? He can't tell the truth, not without letting everyone know he's going to tell Jeff. There's a whole other secret he'd have to let out to even have a chance of Jeff believing him.
Jeff must take his silence for acceptance or guilt, because he's speaking again. "I.... man, this is not healthy. Please tell me you aren't, like, hoarding a lock of his hair or his clothes or something."
Involuntarily, damningly, his eyes dart to the closet, where several of Steve's sweaters hang from when he'd borrowed them and never returned them. And it's not like Steve doesn't have several of Eddie's own articles of clothing, like his battle vest and a few shirts. But Jeff doesn't know they easily, willingly, swap clothes, so his eyes go wide and dart towards the closet, as if he can pick out which pieces belong to Steve on sight.
Actually, he probably can.
"This really isn't what it looks like," Eddie says because he has to say something. Being silent is too incriminating.
"I don't think you're aware of what this looks like," Jeff says, wiggling himself off of Eddie's bed to stand at the foot of it. "Of all the boys in Hawkins.... I knew you liked Steve but this is.... creepy. That doll looks so much like him that I recognized it. Does Steve know you're in love with him, or is this like a way to process your crush without having to-"
"Jeff!" Eddie yells, mortified. He can feel his whole face heat up, knows he must be bright red. Because Jeff just said, out loud and for Steve to hear, the thing that Eddie very much hasn't even said out loud to himself, even if he knows how he feels deep down.
Jeff must know he's overstepped some invisible boundary he wasn't even aware of because his face immediately shows regret. He takes a step forward and Eddie takes a step back.
Immediately, Jeff stops his forward momentum. "Shit, I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm sorry."
When Eddie answers, his voice sounds like he's been eating gravel, "Just, can you go wait in the living room? I'll be right out, and we can talk, or whatever, but can you just..."
A nod, and then Jeff is gone, closing the door behind him.
With shaking hands, Eddie brings Steve back to the front of him. Looks down at him. He's not even aware he's crying until he watches his tears mark Steve's tiny polo. He can't keep holding Steve. Can't keep looking at him. Not when- not when his best friend just outed him in the worst way possible. And Eddie can't even be upset or hurt about it because Jeff didn't know. He's teased Eddie about his crushes before, and in the safety of his own room, there was no reason for Jeff to have to watch what he was saying.
Even knowing that Steve is okay with Robin, loves her anyway, without the ability to confirm that Steve doesn't hate him right now, Eddie's going to freak out. But he can't. Jeff is waiting in the living room, and the band is waiting back at Gareth's. This was just- they were supposed to just grab the amp cable and get back, a fifteen-minute job at most, and now.
Now Eddie is staring down at Steve, willing himself to not have a panic attack.
"I'm sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have heard it like that, it s-should have come from me. It should- you-I'm sorry," Eddie gently underhand throws Steve onto the center of the bed. He lands face up and Eddie sinks to the floor because he can't stand anymore, and he can't really breath.
Steve knows Eddie's a fucking faggot now, and that he wants Steve, and there's no way he'll get to keep the friendship they had before this. There's no universe in which Steve isn't creeped out by this information. There has never been an instance where a straight boy found out about his crush on them and didn't abandon him. Not always cruelly, he'll admit. He's had friends that learned and just... slid from his life with no words and no fuss. Eddie just never spoke to them again because they never came back around, but they also never outed him.
That's what will happen with him and Steve. He'll quit inviting Eddie around, or calling when he's bored, and eventually it will get to the point that Eddie only sees him at BBQ's that Joyce drags him to.
Fuck. FUCK!
He's not sure how long he's on the floor but eventually, he finds the will to get back up and resume digging through his closet to find the amp cord. It doesn't take long, he was ridiculously close to finding it earlier, it seems.
Before leaving his room, he picks back up the cassette player and headphones. Silence comes from them, so he pops the tape out before flipping it to the B side and popping it back in. He puts the headphones around Steve's head again and presses play, doing his best to not actually look at Steve. He'll just have another breakdown if he does.
He trudges out of his room, closing the door behind himself before taking the short walk to the living room, where Jeff waiting on the couch, elbows on his knees, fingers steepled under his chin, eyes faraway as he stares towards the wall in front of him.
"Hey," Eddie says, to get his attention.
"Hey," Jeff says, sitting up straight and turning towards Eddie. "I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing? I'm the fucking psycho here," he sighs, leaning sideways against the kitchen counter, arms folded across his chest, hand clutching at the amp cord just for something to ground him.
"Forget that, whatever I did, or said, or whatever, you were- when you yelled my name. You looked terrified. Of me," Jeff almost whispers the last sentence, and if not for the stark silence in the trailer, Eddie wouldn't have heard.
"Not of you, Jeff," Eddie whispers back, but his voice doesn't stay quiet because 'quiet' isn't a thing Eddie does easily or often. "Of... of myself, and these- of how I feel- I'm a goddamned faggot and now that Ste- when Steve finds out I'll lose him! Like I've lost every fucking person who ever even suspected I was a fuckin' queer!"
Silence stretches between them, enough to make Eddie fidget, dropping his crossed arms to twist the amp cord about anxiously with both his hands.
"Look, man, I don't know what's, like, the appropriate thing to say so I'm just going for the honest thing. You got me. You'll never lose me. And all those other assholes that you think you lost? You're wrong. They lost you. And if Steve Harrington is gonna be another one of those, then you aren't losing him. 'Cause he was never really in your corner to begin with."
If this were anyone else, with the exception of his uncle, he would be able to hold it together better. But it's Jeff. His best friend. Who never believed Eddie committed unspeakable horrors over Spring Break last year. Who didn't question the strange, new friends he suddenly had afterwards; who accepted as the only explanation a softly spoken 'they saved me' and that was enough. Who had said 'ok, cool' in response to Eddie telling him he was gay, years ago now, and continued trying to find out if Eddie had a secret relationship, switching girlfriend for boyfriend like it wasn't a big deal (Eddie did not have a secret relationship; his good mood that week was the result of snooping for his birthday present and finding the guitar hidden under his uncle bed).
It's Jeff. So, Eddie does the most metal, manly thing he can and bursts into tears, blindly reaching for Jeff and pulling him off the couch so he can bear hug him and sob into his shirt.
"There, there, you big baby," Jeff rubs his back soothingly, "let it out. Then pull your sorry ass together, because Gareth and Brian are going to think we died in a car crash on the way here if we take much longer."
"Ah, fuck," Eddie manager to say around the sniffling he's trying to get control of, "you're right."
"You good, though?"
"Uh, I will be."
Jeff nods and steps back. "How about this. We go to practice, and then you can come to my place tonight and we can like, hangout and talk. If that's what you want."
He's already nodding as he says, "yeah. That would be good. I- uh, I have something to do after practice, but yeah, after that I'll come over."
Eddie tosses the amp cable to Jeff after they climb into the van and head off.
Halfway there, Jeff says, "you know Gareth and Brian are in your corner, too. If you ever feel like telling them one day."
"One day," Eddie agrees, "but today has already been... a lot."
Practice goes well, with some ribbing for their tardiness allowed. If Gareth and Brian notice Eddie's been crying recently, they keep it to themselves. Which is good, because Eddie cannot handle one more thing today.
A promise to meet up with Jeff later and Eddie's back home.
Back to where he left Steve, who will be laying in silence on his bed because it's been well over two hours since he and Jeff left, and the tape only held an hours' worth of music on each side. Back to the nightmare of not knowing if Steve hates him now, or if Eddie's, and this is the most likely scenario, being a bit overdramatic.
His uncle is home, so he greets him, asks after his day, gets told dinner is Fend For Yourself Night (which just means leftovers or a TV dinner), and gets asked about Steve. Because of course he does.
"You sure he went on a vacation willingly with those parents of his, and he ain't actually kidnapped and trapped somewhere?"
That's a little bit too true. If only Wayne knew. "Well, no. I'm not sure. All I know is what he said when he left."
Wayne gives him a look. One Eddie is used to seeing, that says 'I know more than you think but I'm waiting for you to tell me' and Eddie's a little afraid of what Wayne thinks he knows. So, instead of prying that box open, Eddie just says he's tired and goes to his room.
Steve is exactly where Eddie left him.
Suddenly, without reason or logic, Eddie is angry. He's so pissed at Steve for being gone for this long. For having transformed in the first place. For not being able to assure him they'll still be friends, regardless of Eddie's stupid crush.
He snatches Steve off the bed, hand clamping around one of Steve's arms and his torso so he can hold him up with one hand. Steve's face, permanently stuck into a blank expression, looks back. Even knowing that Steve sees and hears through this thing, Eddie's so angry at the doll. If Steve hadn't been turned into this stupid thing, if Eddie wasn't so helplessly in love with him, this wouldn't have happened. Eddie could have taken his own time telling Steve, instead of hearing his deepest secret spilled easily from Jeff's lips. Instead of this not knowing what Steve is thinking, or how he feels. Is he recoiling in disgust at the fact Eddie's making him look at his face? Or is Eddie being awarded the same kindness as Robin, a quiet acceptance that won't change their friendship?
Eddie doesn't know that answer and he hates it.
He's so angry with himself because he should know better. He's forcing his own insecurities onto Steve, about acceptance and caring, when nothing Steve's done since they've become friends is prove that he'll always be Eddie's friend and not even the apocalypse could change that.
"I'm going to hang out with Jeff, so you're gonna be alone a bit longer. Or maybe I should drop you off at Robin's when I go," Eddie goes to toss Steve back on the bed when something pinches his palm. It's a startling sharp pain, quick to fade, but it's surprising enough for Eddie to let go.
Eddie watches, horrified, as he falls to the floor. He twists in the air, landing with a dull thump and cracking sound on his left arm before falling onto his back.
"Shit. Shit! Fuck, Steve, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," Eddie is crouched, already in the process of reaching for Steve when he freezes.
There is a crack on Steve's left arm, a line that starts above his elbow on the inside of his arm and runs down and across his arm to his hand, where Steve's pinky finger is gone. Looking slightly to the side, Eddie can see the small porcelain piece that Steve is missing laying on the ground next to him. Eddie's own hand is hovering in the air above Steve, shaking.
This can't be- how did- Eddie wracks his brain. Was the crack there already? Did Eddie cause the crack when he bounced off his dresser earlier? When did it happen? Does that fucking matter when it's Eddie who broke a piece off him? If Steve didn't hate him before, he's got to now. Eddie doesn't have time to panic about this, he's got to- El. El can talk to Steve. Find out if he's okay. What if breaking him-
Eddie launches himself up and to his dresser, grabbing at the Walkie up there. He pulls the antenna up, clicks it on and tries not to actually shout as he says, "Code Red! Code fucking Red!" He lets off the talk button, counts to seven in his head, enough time, he reasons, for someone to respond before he repeats the process. "Code Red!! Code Red!"
He repeats this process for three minutes with no response. Where the fuck is everyone!? How is he supposed to- Oh! The phone!
He tears down the hall and to the phone. He must look a right state, because Wayne looks very concerned and is halfway to standing up when Eddie gets to the phone beside him. He yanks the phone up and dials the number for the Byers-Hopper household, holding up a shaking finger to Wayne, a silent plea to give him a moment.
It rings and rings and rings before the answering machine kicks in. Eddie presses down on the disconnect button before dialing the Wheelers' number next.
"Hello?"
"Mike! Code Red! Where the fuck is everyone and why aren't they answering!?"
"What?"
"Code Red! Where's Nancy. Put Nancy on."
"Dude, slow down, what's-"
"I broke St-it. I broke it and someone needs to get El here now. Code Red does not mean ask questions, Mike! It means Code. Fucking. Red."
"Shit, shit, right! I'll get Nancy and we'll get everyone- just- we'll be there soon."
Eddie slams the phone down and has to meet his uncle's eye now.
"Eddie. What is goin' on?"
Eddie inhales a breath and can feel his lower lip quivering. "It's- can we talk about it later? I promise I'm not the one hurt, or in trouble, or- it's not me, ok. I just-"
"Yer shakin' like a leaf boy. What's got you so spooked?"
Eddie just shakes his head and flees back to his room, slamming the door shut between him and his uncle. He can't bring himself to cross the room to Steve. He slides himself down the door to sit on the floor, pulling his knees up to hug.
"I'm so sorry, Steve. I'm sorry."
#steddie#my fic#porcelain steve#TW: Eddie calls himself a faggot and he means it in a bad way#did I make a playlist on spotify w/ Top 40 songs for June 21-27 1987 so id know how many tapes eddie had to use to record it?#yes. its 2 tapes fyi‚ using side A and B of one. a total of 2h54m. in my defense it was a writers block activity.#couldnt figure out what to have jeff say to comfort eddie that was in character and era-appropriate so... playlist it was!#if i were titling these parts this would be Eddie's No Good‚ Very Bad‚ Terrible‚ Horrible Day#I mean... he's had worse days (Spring Break '86) but this is up there for him#also back to back updates!? who am i??? but don't expect another one too soon#i started this one as part 6 originally but decided i wanted a more lighthearted piece first#so i wrote like 2/3 of this before writing what i posted for part 6 so finishing this was quick
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WASTELAND, BABY!– ellie williams x reader
hi! I'm writing a new series that happens after the events of TLOU II. it's an enemies to lovers. A story about ellie eventually finding happiness and love again. She finds her light; and so do you.
Before you read the summary– please read this. Free Palestine. Do not consume tlou fanfics without educating yourself about its zionist themes.
this story is only posted on ao3. read it here.
*SUMMARY: You had decided to give life one last try. That was it. After the events in The Last of Us Part II, Ellie decides that the only way to find peace is to turn herself in to the fireflies. She finds a lead; they tell her to find you, a young woman who wanders around with no purpose. When she eventually does, you refuse to tell her where the fireflies are; if she finds them, everything that you did in your past would've been for nothing.
You embark on a journey together, walking through rain, snow and through the darkest places this cruel world has to offer. What neither of you expect, broken and traumatized, is to find the light again in each other.
"For the world is Hell, and people are on the one hand the tormented souls and on other the devils in it." (Schopenhauer, On the suffering of the world)
LINKS: read it here. playlist.
C.W/GENERAL TAGS: enemies to lovers, AFAB reader, eventual smut, gun violence, ellie kinda kidnaps you?, suicidal ideation (both ellie and reader), r! is wounded, PTSD and trauma, triggering flashbacks. canon violence in the game, depression. overall heavy themes, but happy ending i promise!
CHAPTER 1: One last try.
You encounter Ellie. She follows the trail of blood you were leaving. You refuse to give her the information she wants. So, she drags you through the entire state of Montana.
"You’re bold for someone unarmed and bruised, with a gun pointed to their head"
CHAPTER 2: Courage, dear heart.
A small flame inside you ignites. you finally have a purpose; to mislead her, and to escape from her. You come up with a plan, and that involves earning her trust. just enough until she becomes sloppy. But you can't let her see your skills; she might see you as a threat. That plan quickly goes to waste when you encounter a large group of clickers.
“I could kill you right now,” she said, holding your own knife against your throat. Her knuckles were white from how much force she was using. Her features were almost unrecognisable.
“Then you’d break your promise,” you said.
“Promises mean nothing in this world.”
CHAPTER 3: No one left to sing to
The rain doesn't stop, so you and this strange girl are forced to stay inside the cave. You're feverish, disoriented. After a conversation in which she mentions the fireflies, you decide to go through her journal to find answers. And you do.
"Are you a firefly?" she asked, like she had just read your mind, or you were thinking out loud. “not a firefly,” you said. you held back a laugh, but she saw the flash of a smirk. You, the reason why they were gone after Salt Lake City, a firefly. “Definitely not.” you paused. “are you?” you asked. “No.”
CHAPTER 4– Your blinding light (flashback chapter)
Summer 2033, Boston QZ
You waited for Hannah to come to you.
Life in the QZ was simple for you; being confined in between four walls, listening to your mom's Beatles cassettes, and sneaking out past curfew. That is, until your mom slowly starts abandoning you.
"Maybe Hannah was the only one you had, after all"
CHAPTER 5– This darkness i'm condemned to
Ellie and you finally reach the nearest town. And your plan is successful; you finally lead her to danger. What you failed to account for is that this danger can harm you, too.
“took them out right?" you said, trying to test the waters. Trying to sound lighthearted, but failing completely at it.
"Damn right you did," she said.
CHAPTER 6– The injury of finally knowing
taglist: since i impulsively deleted my old account, i'm tagging my old taglist. it's still me! the bitch that wrote the abby greys anatomy AU! you can still join my taglist here
@kissesskittens @zahraaziza @uraesthete @elsvrse @lonelyfooryouonly @ximtiredx @ellabsprincess @spaceshipellie @machetegirl109 @sc0ttstre3ted @taylarxse @carmellie @mayfieldsz @brooklynvwilliams @rinarchy @elliesgffr @wannabwanted @ellabsweet @sapphic-and-sappy @imyour-favouritegirl @andersonsgirl @heyabimina @novadanversss @mulan-but-gay @lez-zuha @abbys-sweat-wife @maribelo-o @peppesgirl
if your name is crossed out, it means I can't tag you– please check your settings and follow these steps!
dividers by @saradika-graphics.
#ellie williams#the last of us#tlou ellie#tlou fanfiction#tlou part 2#ellie x fem reader#ellie x reader#ellie the last of us#the last of us part ii#enemies to lovers#canon universe#wasteland baby
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Hi! I'm not sure if you've done one before, and if you have, feel free to ignore this, I'll find the post, but do you have any tips on how to start your self love journey? I've been struggling from the beginning of the way and I've made some progress but I feel like it's not enough. And I'm not sure exactly where to go. I read so many posts on self care and self love but I don't know which to start with cause they all seem like something people who've been on that journey for a long time are doing. I guess I'm saying I'm lost and not sure where to start or continue 😅
How To Start Your Self Love Journey 🥰❤️🩹
1. Accept yourself and realize that you are worthy of self love: When you learn to love yourself, you won't feel scared of what others think about you, and you'll be able to embrace who you are. Figure out what you like and what you dislike. Create boundaries and learn your love language. This part of the self love journey is crucial. I recommend that everyone takes the time to figure out who they are and learn how to accept themselves.
2. Affirmations: Start using positive statements can help your brain think in a happier way. Even if you don't believe them at first, saying them repeatedly can make you start believing. Choose some positive statements and say them often. Write them on sticky notes and put them around your home.
3. Do Things You Love: No matter how busy you are, set aside time for activities you enjoy. Whether it's a short trip or reading a favorite author's book, prioritize things that make you happy.
The idea is to take charge and actively shape a life that brings you happiness, rather than settling for one that doesn't. Treat yourself kindly and give yourself the wonderful gift of a life filled with happiness.
4. Take Care of Your Body: A good 30 minutes of exercising can change your whole day and mood. Aside from exercising, you should change your diet to healthier options. The foods you eat affect your mood and energy. Don't forget to rest too.
5. Quit The Negative Self Talk: Self-talk is basically how we talk to ourselves. We tend to be really hard on ourselves. I wrote a post about it recently here. I suggest trying to find proof for your thoughts and questioning them. In short, focus on how you speak to yourself. Many of our thoughts are extreme or very black and white. Most of these thoughts aren't even original, our minds pick up so much throughout the day. Almost always, people project their own insecurities, values, fears, and opinions onto us. Treat yourself kindly.
6. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others: Comparison is the fastest way to bring yourself down. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing or how far they’ve come. Everyone works at his own pace. Everyone is unique, and no uniqueness is better than the other.
7. Don't Care What Others Think: This isn't just about rejecting criticism; it's also about not becoming too focused on compliments. Your value isn't determined by others' opinions. Don't rely on external sources to validate yourself. Your worth comes from within.
8. Forgive And Let Go: With emotional pain, we often extend our suffering by clutching onto negative emotions like guilt, shame, and resentment, sometimes indefinitely. Rather than releasing these emotions, we cling to them, replaying hurtful moments repeatedly, hoping the person who hurt us will feel the same pain. Yet, harboring resentment is akin to consuming poison and expecting our enemy to suffer. Clinging to bitterness doesn't alter anything; it merely confines us to our pain.
Forgiveness liberates us—it's about us, not the person we're forgiving. Prioritizing our well-being over being right, it takes responsibility for our happiness instead of placing it in someone else's hands. Happiness trumps being right. Freedom often hinges on picking happiness over being right. When someone makes a mistake, it can be more satisfying to let them believe they're right and move on, rather than stewing over it. Reflect on someone who irked you three years ago. Can you even recall them now? If so, does it still provoke irritation? If not, why invest energy in something you'll forget in a year or two? Once you genuinely forgive, release it entirely. Forgiveness involves moving beyond resentment, focusing on positive actions and intentions instead.
9. Start a Gratitude Journal: A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles. You attract more good things in your life by being grateful for what you already have. Understanding what gratitude is can help you on your self love journey because of how you appreciate what you already have. Especially when we are in a place where we are only focused on the negative things in our life.
10. Practice Small Acts of Kindness For Yourself: Treat yourself to outings and buy things that make you happy. Set aside money for little things you enjoy. Remember, even the small gestures towards ourselves matter.
I suggest forming the habit of creating habits that lead you toward your desired life. A book I recommend is "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. It shows how habits can be positive or negative, and how doing something small daily can lead to significant outcomes.
11. Surround Yourself With Positivity: Watch motivational videos, and follow accounts promoting self-love and body positivity on social media, and unfollow those who make you feel bad. In real life too. Keep a Pinterest board with uplifting quotes. Use positivity to counter negativity. Aim to be realistic with your thoughts instead of assuming the worst. Focus on positive outcomes, and if that's hard, start with neutral thoughts.
Don't go to extremes with forced positivity. Aim for practical positivity. For instance, you might not be the absolute best, but you're a hard worker and your best is valuable. You might not excel at something today, but you can improve over time through effort.
12. Do A Lot of Self Reflecting: Write in your journal. Spend time alone. This is how you really understand yourself. Challenge your insecurities and the things you imagine about others. Figure out if you're accepting less than you deserve or if you're moving towards improvement.
13. Get To Know Yourself: The journey to personal growth begins with recognizing and embracing your true self before you start building and improving.
You can learn more about yourself by pondering these questions:
Am I Content with My Current Activities?
What Do I Want to Do?
Can I Turn My Passion into Reality?
By understanding yourself, including your values, priorities, motivations, sources of satisfaction, and abilities, you can discover your true desires and drive personal growth.
14. Realize That Going on A Self Love Journey Is Not Easy: Embarking on a journey of self-love involves a lot of heartache and healing. You might come across various self-love activities and advice, but the key is understanding that it requires dedication and effort. It's not a simple task. There will be moments when you feel like you've wasted a lot of time, prompting you to reevaluate your approach. There will be times when you believe you're making progress, only to realize there's more to work on. It's essential to recognize that you're taking significant steps to unlearn old habits and make changes.
My suggestion is to genuinely take a moment to understand that self-love is a commitment. It's like building a muscle that needs regular exercise. Think of it as tending to a plant that requires consistent care. Recognize that self-love isn't always about positivity; there are challenges to overcome as well. It's a realistic journey that involves ups and downs, rather than just an easy path of happiness.
15. Discover Your Purpose: Discovering your purpose can bring more happiness and fulfillment to your life. Each of us possesses unique talents and gifts to contribute to the world. When you share what you're meant to give, you align with your best self. Follow what feels right to you. You don't have to have it all figured out.
16. Take Action: Instead of getting stuck in overthinking and planning every detail perfectly, take action. Even if you're unsure, take that first step. You don't need a complete roadmap; just follow the path that feels right and see where it leads you. Your initial step might not instantly lead you to your dream scenario, but it could serve as a foundation. Regardless of where you find yourself, value your current position. Understand that every action you take along your journey contributes to your ultimate destination.
17. Don't Start Everything Anew: You don't have to build your ideal life completely from scratch. Observe what others are doing that deeply resonates with you and brings you a sense of vitality. Is it their well-structured routine, their freedom from routines, or perhaps their ability to travel extensively? The more precisely you identify the elements that ignite your passion, the easier it becomes to visualize and shape your own desired life.
18. Act As If: Embrace the "fake it till you make it" approach. Hold the belief that whatever you desire is attainable, even if there's no current proof of its possibility. Behave as though it's already unfolding and remain receptive to opportunities that guide you toward your objective.
19. Surround Yourself with Like-Minded People: You tend to adopt the mindset of those you spend the most time with. Avoid people who bring negativity, and instead, connect with individuals who view the world as abundant. Invest more time with those whose thinking you aspire to emulate. If you're lacking inspiring connections, seek out new friendships.
20. Give: Giving is one of our greatest joys. When we have faith in the abundant nature of our universe and freely offer, we elevate our energy and create an opportunity to receive abundance in return. When we withhold because of distrust in abundance, we inadvertently attract the very scarcity we wish to avoid. The universe operates on a balance of action and reaction, like inhaling and exhaling, giving and receiving. Hence, the more you give, the more you open yourself to receiving, and vice versa.
21. Gratitude In Real Life: Gratitude goes beyond mere politeness of saying "thank you" when given something. True gratitude involves being aware of and profoundly valuing the numerous blessings in your life. Since gratitude generates positive emotions, it elevates your energy to a high frequency, attracting more positive feeling
22. Change Your Story: The stories we tell ourselves shape our lives greatly. Often, we hold onto untrue beliefs like "I lack money" or "I'm not capable," which blinds us to the many possibilities and chances around us. To reshape your life, begin by realizing that you are the author of your life. When you decide to draft a better script, your life becomes more meaningful. To let go of old narratives, first, be aware of them. If there's something you want to do but haven't, ask why. What's stopping you? Every story you tell serves a purpose, whether it's healthy or not. For instance, if you believe you're depressed, you might avoid exerting yourself and receive attention. We often prioritize the benefits of our stories over our actual desires. Comfort becomes more important than seizing control of our lives.
Once you identify old stories and their hidden gains, compose fresh, empowering narratives. To make these new stories your reality, focus on them. Embrace the happiness and excitement they bring. Use them as affirmations, repeating them until they replace the old tales entirely.
Self love can lead to you to big personal transformations.
You'll treat yourself with greater compassion and understanding. Your self-support and ability to forgive will bring a sense of calmness. Embracing self love enables you to truly live and embrace each moment. Through it, you'll have more love to give to others, improving your relationships. You become the architect of your own happiness.
<3
#self love journey#self love#self development#self improvement#self care#self worth#self help#self esteem#love yourself first#personal improvement#personal development
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Royal Pain Part 26
Hello, and we have got to the end of the massive arc that culminated the last four chapters.
I also wrote this part before 24 and 25 because I couldn't figure out how to write Eddie having a hard time on tour, but the aftermath flowed from my fingers.
Also as a reminder this story is finished, I'm just posting on a regular schedule. This story is the longest fanfic I've ever written. Topping out at 58165 it's definitely longer than 50K fic I wrote for NaNoWriMo last year (Sandman, never finished or published.)
Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3 Pt 4 Pt 5 Pt 6 Pt 7 Pt 8 Pt 9 Pt 10 Pt 11 Pt 12 Pt 13 Pt 14 Pt 15 Pt 16 Pt 17 Pt 18 Pt 19 Pt 20 Pt 21 Meta Pt 22 Pt 23 Pt 24 Pt 25
****
“You’ve been sitting on that sofa for an entire week,” Wayne growled. “Steve has called three times, your bandmates at least a dozen times each. Hell, boy Miranda has been calling concerned. So want to tell me what’s fucking got you so twisted?”
“I was given a choice out there on the road,” Eddie said, twisting his rings around his fingers. “Stay in Indy and play small time gigs for the rest of my adult life or go to LA and get an album and the chance at super stardom.”
Wayne sat down next him. “Sounds like a big decision to make.”
Eddie leapt to his feet. “That’s the problem. That’s what makes me so angry how fucking easy the choice is.”
Wayne cocked his head to the side. “Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate again, boy. Start talking.”
Eddie started pacing back and forth. “As much as I loved playing for so many people, I didn’t like that I could only connect with a handful of them and not even the good kind.” He rubbed his chin angrily. “I didn’t like how tired we all were. It was set up, sound check, play, break down and move on to the next fucking town. And that wasn’t including all the parties, interviews, and all that other shit.”
“That does sound exhausting, Ed.”
“I didn’t like how easy it was for them to tell me to drop Gareth as drummer just because he had trouble adjusting to the increased volume. The price of fame they said. Like it was so simple to throw away almost two decades of friendship for the sake of adoring crowds and hearing our music on the radio.”
“Oh, darlin’,” Wayne said softly. “They didn’t...”
“Oh they absolutely did,” Eddie raged. “I didn’t like how they thought that because me and Steve’s relationship was new that I would be able to find someone better. Someone who liked metal, someone who would be down for the ride.”
Wayne furrowed his brow. “That doesn’t sound like good advice.”
Eddie grabbed his hair pulled at it frustration. “The last straw was when they offered to let their tattooist to finish my back tattoo, because while my artist was good, theirs was better.”
He stopped abruptly and turned to face Wayne. “I picked Steve to do my tattoo on my back because he was the only one I trusted to make it meaningful. To understand the symbolism of making something of yourself when everyone is rooting against you. I made the decision before I fell in love with him and now that we’re a couple– and for them to just dismiss him like that? It made me so angry.”
“So what’s the problem? What’s got you so twisted around the bend?”
Eddie took a deep breath and let it out slow. “I’m fucking furious because I always thought that when fame and fortune came knocking I would throw open that door and march right through it. But now? Given the choice? I’m slamming the door in its face and walking away.”
Hot tears ran down his face. “And I don’t know why.”
He dropped to his knees and began to sob.
Wayne stood up and put his arms around his nephew’s shoulders, gently pulling him to his chest.
“Did that band you were traveling with say that?” he whispered into Eddie’s curls. “Because if they did, I swear to god I will burn every record and CD you have of theirs. Don’t think I won’t. I’ll delete them off your phone too.”
Eddie chuckled weakly. “No, no. They were kind. It was everyone else we met. Agents, managers, roadies, groupies, the people around Metallica every day.”
Wayne nodded.
“I was just constantly bombarded with hateful messages and the constant running at one hundred percent...” he whimpered. “I don’t want to do it.”
“Have you told your band that?” Wayne asked.
Eddie shook his head. “I don’t dare to. I was the one that was gung ho about the touring and everything. How do I tell them I don’t want to leave the comfort of Indianapolis and home?”
“Kinda like that,” Jeff said from the doorway. His arms were crossed and he was leaning against the frame. Peaking around him was Miranda with a concerned look on her face.
Eddie scrambled to his feet and wrapped his arms around his waist. “I’m sorry I’ve been a brat.”
Jeff took three giant steps forward and hugged him fiercely. “You’re not being a brat. You’re scared and trying to figure it all out on your own, but you don’t have to, okay? We’ve all been worried sick about you. But Steve especially. I’ll call all the boys down for a chat and you call Steve, okay?”
Eddie nodded.
He dialed the number he knew by heart.
“Baby?” he asked, unsure of the reaction he was going to get. He deserved to be yelled at. Cursed at. Broken up with. He’d hurt Steve the most with this little temper tantrum he’d been having.
“Eds?” Steve breathed. “Sunshine, are you okay? Wayne said you hadn’t been eating well or sleeping much. Say the word and I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
Eddie’s lip began to quiver and tears spilled out of his eyes. “I need you. More than anything.”
“I’m on my way,” Steve said fiercely.
Eddie looked over at Jeff.
“Tell Steve Brian will swing by and pick him up.”
Eddie nodded and relayed the message back to Steve.
“I’ll be at my apartment,” Steve said. “I’ll have Robin arrange my schedule, don’t you worry about thing, baby.”
“Mm’k.”
“I love you, Eds.”
Eddie closed his eyes and breathed in the warmth of that simple phrase. “Love you, too, pretty boy. Come quick.”
“I promise.”
*
Steve piled into Brian’s car. It was the newest, having bought it right before they got picked up by Metallica. He had finally saved up enough money to replace his beater.
Gareth and Gethin in the backseat. Gethin had come up to Indy to watch his twin’s apartment while he was gone and just ended up staying. He was currently looking for a job so that he could move in with Gareth full time.
At least that what they said on the trip down. The twins and Brian were intent on filling the air with talk and Steve let them. He let them fill him in on the tour and everything that had been going on since they’d left.
Steve couldn’t be for certain, but it sounded like that touring hadn’t been fun for anyone. Even after a week of rest, he could still make out the circles under their eyes and how hunched over they were with just sheer exhaustion.
A feeling Steve felt all too well.
Gethin was pressed against his twin’s side and was rubbing his neck soothingly.
Steve looked at Brian.
His face was set, hard and unflinching. He was going to make the drive to Hawkins as fast as he could and still avoid the cops.
Steve was grateful Brian was driving because he didn’t think he would have made the distinction to avoid breaking the law. He would have gunned it and flipped off any cop that tried to catch him.
After awhile, Steve was getting the oddest feeling that Brian was used to speeding down this stretch of highway because there were points where he would slow down for a few miles and then speed right back up.
Soon enough they were pulling up to Wayne’s trailer and piling out the car.
*
Eddie sat on the sofa with Jeff and Miranda on either side of him, just hugging him.
Wayne was busying himself in the kitchen, getting ready to feed the hoard that was about to descend on his home.
The door opened up and Brian, Gareth, and Gethin all stumbled through the entryway. Eddie was on his feet in an instant, Jeff and Miranda not far behind.
And then the trio at the door parted and there stood Steve. Looking just as tired and worn as Eddie felt.
“Stevie?” Eddie asked, taking a step toward him uncertainly.
Steve threw open his arms and Eddie ran straight into them. They wrapped their arms around each other and just sobbed.
“I’m here, Eds,” Steve murmured into Eddie’s neck. “I’m here. I love you so much.”
Eddie lifted his head and kissed him hard. “I love you, too. I regret leaving you behind, sweetheart. It nearly killed me. Every song I wrote was about you. About missing you. I don’t even want to leave you ever again, I can’t.”
The silence that followed that statement was deafening.
Steve led Eddie back over to couch and sat them both down. “Tell us everything, babe.”
And so Eddie did. He told them everything. Everything he had told Wayne, everything that had been weighing on his mind since they started touring. It all just came out in a flood.
They all listened patiently.
“Why didn’t you tell us you felt like that while we were on the road?” Gareth asked. “I knew what they were saying about me, but I also knew you guys wouldn’t drop me. If you had me about that I would have been able to reassure you that I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
Eddie flushed with embarrassment. “I didn’t know how to bring it up, it was so vile, man.”
Jeff gave his hand a squeeze. “Well, I think that you did a bang up job telling us now and that’s what really matters.”
“Someone offered to ship me out to LA and record an album,” Eddie finally admitted. “Not the band, just me. I told him that I wouldn’t go without you guys and he laughed in my face. Told me to cut the dead weight and be a star.” He dragged his hands over his face.
“But there were other offers. Good ones. Ones that included the band, well most of it, anyway. Always under the proviso that Gareth be replaced either on tour or all together. They didn’t want to make any accommodations for him even though there is a drummer with one god damn arm!”
“So the options are,” Brian said, “stay in Indy doing what we’ve been doing, only better because of the money we got for doing this tour. Go to LA without Gareth. Go to LA with Gareth but only as a studio musician and take some person we don’t know on tour with us. Does that sound about right?”
Just then Gareth’s phone went off. He looked at it with a frown. It wasn’t a number recognized so he let it go to voicemail. He pulled it up after the notification popped up.
He listened to message with wide eyes. “Hey guys, I think we have another option.” And he played the message so everyone could hear.
“Hey, Mr Hughes,” the tinny voice said through the speaker. “This is Murray Bauman, I’m music producer, we spoke in Las Vegas. I think I have the perfect deal for you boys. You were telling me that touring was really hard on you and that if there was an option you wouldn’t do that. I know you weren’t speaking for all your band, but I could tell that they would do anything for you, all four of you being such good friends.
“So the reason for this call is that I own a small music company in Bloomington and boy do I have a deal for you all. You would make a record through us, we would sell and distribute the record, keeping a portion of the sales, of course. But you wouldn’t have to tour. You have a steady gig as I understand it. If your fans want to see you play, they’ll know where to find you.
“But give me a call, we’ll hash out the details. My phone number is 555-555-2080...” and then message beeped, signaling the end of the voicemail.
Eddie looked down at the phone and then back up at Gareth. “Oh.”
Gareth grinned. “We don’t even have to take his offer, but I vote we listen to it. Brian can bring Cecil.”
Brian nodded. “He’s only got a semester left of law school, but I’ll have him brush up on his contract law to be on the safe side.”
Jeff raised his hand. “All in favor of hearing Mr Bauman out raise your hand?”
Eddie, Brian, and Gareth’s hands shot up.
“Sounds good,” Jeff said. “You call him back and set it up and if it doesn’t work out we can vote again.”
Brian shook his head. “Nah. I think if it doesn’t work, we stick to Nightmare Holes. We took a swing at it and if it’s a miss then we tried. I thought I wanted the touring and everything that came with stardom, but like Eddie I learned I wanted the romanticized version of it. I’ll be happy playing in front of our friends for the rest of our lives.”
The rest of the band nodded.
Soon everyone getting up to go back to Indy, but Steve stayed behind, he would go back up with Eddie in the morning. They had things to discuss that went deeper then the band.
****
Part 27 Part 28 Epilogue
I told you I would fix it.
Also a little BTS, the reason in my head for why things went wrong on tour but immediately righted itself when Eddie and Steve met up again? Steve still has Eddie's lucky pick. ;)
Tag List: @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @artiststarme @swimmingbirdrunningrock @gregre369 @pyrohonk @bookworm0690 @chaosgremlinmunson @goodolefashionedloverboi @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence @plyerice27 @thedragonsaunt @sapphirecobalt-1 @a-little-unsteddie @i-must-potato @danili666 @carlyv @rozzieroos @wonderland-girl143-blog @itsall-taken @justforthedead89 @emly03 @aizawa-emma @yikes-a-bee @redfreckledwolf @thesuninyaface @bookbinderbitch @archermightbegay @littlewildflowerkitten @scheodingers-muppet @hallucinatedjosten @ellietheasexylibrarian @anne-bennett-cosplayer @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @bestwifehaver @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @oldwitcheshat @nightmareglitter @tinyplanet95 @novelnovella @jonesn4coffee @slowandsteddie @awkwardgravity1 @steaddie-on
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'plagiarism' issue
Not one for drama, yet I want to bring attention to this. I won’t elaborate on this issue more.
So it happened.
A while ago but it remains slowly nipping at my brain. For that case, I have decided to write it all down and collect my thoughts using this post.
My work like real people do (and the whole thought/idea behind it) has been taken, rewritten, tweaked and published as someone else's idea (that they apparently had since spring). I asked them to take it down privately. They did add my @ and for some time, I was content until they started creating the whole "universe" around it and taking praise for it even tho it's not their original idea.
The dark side of fanfiction is that there is not much I can do but at least I can make awareness about the issue.
Starting this with some definitions and clearance:
plagiarism: "Presenting work or ideas from another source as your own...by incorporating it into your work without full acknowledgment.[1]"
I love this by Wattpad themself:
What if they give credit?
"It is still plagiarism even if you give credit. Even when someone uses an artist's base or picture they are expected to change it up to become something new, rather than just running it through a filter, or tweaking it with a few minor edits. There is a major difference between copying another person's storyline and making edits and actually writing a story.[2]"
Now to the point:
For LRPD, I have created a very specific premise that I haven't read/seen before:
Leon is a single dad of a young girl (didn't specify age but definitely a preteen, around fourth grade).
He is absent from his daughter's life, especially from her school activities. He becomes this "enigma" for the teachers.
The daughter doesn't have a mother.
Teacher!reader is concerned for the daughter's wellbeing so one day, when Leon picks her up, she requires to have a talk with him.
During the talk, he offers her a dinner instead of having to participate in school activities.
Teacher!reader and Leon sleep together during the first off-school meeting.
Teacher!reader wakes up before Leon and looks at his exposed [muscular] back.
Teacher!reader searches for the bathroom, notices Leon’s poorly decorated apartment except for his daughter’s stuff.
Teacher!reader is reffered to as "Miss teacher" in this universe.
They copied almost THE WHOLE premise. It'd be okay to write your own version of single dad Leon and his kid's teacher - I don't own the trope - but following the SAME ORIGINAL STORYLINE is not okay [with me]...
The parts after "Keep reading" consists of photo 'evidence' of the similarities (some are less obvious but I'll mention them regardless). It is LONG because I have a lot to say.
LRPD was published May 2, 2023, their story was published August 14, 2023.
Fun fact: Few days ago, I created a separate masterlist for the series and few days later, they did the same thing.
: ̗̀➛ Example 1 - Leon sits on the chair
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 2 - Could've been a...
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 3 - Leon's absent from his daughter's life, especially from her school activities, and teacher!reader saying that he should be more present...
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 4 - Leon snaps because the kid's mother is mentioned (also mention of him having his arms folded during the meeting which the other person mentioned earlier in their work)...
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 5 - Leon invites you to dinner instead of attenting the school event…
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 6 - Aunt Claire makes an appereance (mentioned only)
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 7 (NSFW) - Teacher!reader worried where is Leon's kid during heavy make-out session that leads to s*x (they did wrote a full original smut scene, which I skipped so idk if there are any familiarities; I have decided that a full smut scene doesn't do it for me in this story)
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 8 - Morning after
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 9 - Leon's apartment description (they basically just simplified my abstact, "show, don't tell" description)
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 10 - Aunt Claire calls to tell Leon to pick his daughter in the morning after
My story (LRPD):
Theirs:
: ̗̀➛ Example 11 - AND Miss Teacher's significant petname has an alternative but also makes an appereance (in the same formating on top of that)
My story (LRPD):
Theirs - NSFW (alternative + miss teacher):
They were smart by rewritting it in their own words but it still lays heavy on my chest that a story I have crafted for WEEKS has been taken from me like that. It's more glaring if you read both stories instead of me splitting it into excerpts (and I didn't insert all of them as there is a limit to pictures per post).
Taking inspiration or straight-up rewritting someone's detailed idea is a difference.
Sources:
[1] https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/academic/guidance/skills/plagiarism
[2] https://www.wattpad.com/128409012-how-to-write-fanfiction-plagiarism-vs-inspiration
#plagiarism#leon kenndy x reader#leon kennedy#resident evil#this is a one time thing#i don't want drama on my blog#this is just for awareness#leon kennedy smut
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What do you think of the relationship between Taylor and Nicholas? Are they really good friends or as they think in many simple acquaintances who can't stand each other? I honestly don't understand where certain theories come from... just why don't they interact publicly? or because they believe certain statements to be true and are unable to go further? I thank you if you answer me!
I feel like I've said all I have to say on this subject, but you sound genuinely worried and sweet, so I'll summarize what I think really quickly:
I genuinely believe Taylor and Nick are great friends, and my opinion is supported by the following evidence:
1, During the rwrb interview for Cinamag, they both say it's a delight to work together, implying they like each other and work well together
2, In September or October (I can't remember), a fan asked Taylor if he and Nick still talk, Taylor said yes, and said that they are great friends. This is Taylor confirming that they are great friends and they keep in contact.
3, In recent video interviews, Nick said multiple times that he thinks good things of Taylor (authentic, kind, fun etc), and that he made a great friend in Taylor. So this is Nick confirming that he and Taylor are friends.
4, The Teen Vogue Editorial and the GQ Editorial on the two of them both describe how well and natural their dynamic and chemistry is:
The interviewer/writer only met them this one time, and this was before the movie was out so there's no such thing as "projecting Alex and Henry onto Taylor and Nick". A stranger spends like half an hour with them and sees this dynamic.
5, Matthew and Aneesh both mentioned how well and fun the boys get along. So their director and cast mate, who worked with them on the project and thus spent a lot of time with them also saw this dynamic.
6, Taylor drawing on Nick's face and Nick laughing it off while signing on Taylor's face. Doing stupid but funny little things like this shows that they're close enough to make jokes about each other, especially since the other one isn't present. You wouldn't do something like that to someone you're not close with or someone you hate. You only do that to the people you're close with, because you know for sure they won't get mad. So this shows that Taylor and Nick are close.
All these things that I mentioned are actual things that happened and all point towards at the very least, a fairly close friendship.
I absolutely don't believe they hate each other, nothing they've done can concretely prove that.
It's not that they don't interact in public, it's that they don't go to the same events. The three times they did, for GQ MOTY (oh I have a candy from that writing this note to remind myself to include it) Nick left early because he was tired; for Milan, although they were both there for fashion week, they went to different shows so time might have clashed; but for the Academy Museum Gala, they were photographed together multiple times, at the very least, three times by official/professional photographer. I wrote this in my part 1 candies post, but basically with how photography worked that night and the time on Taylor's watch, they spent most of the event together.
So yeah. They're great friends.
#rwrb#red white and royal blue#rwrb movie#taylor zakhar perez#nicholas galitzine#anon ask#answered#can you tell i spent high school writing argumentitive essays#but yeah I feel like I said this many times but I guess this is my definitive answer#to me they're >= friends
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Thanks for the tag @firawren & @glassslippers-n-cowboyboots
1. How many works do you have on AO3? 45
2. What's your total AO3 word count? 208,023. And that's a bit surprising because a bunch of my longer fics are only on AHA or my website.
3. What fandoms do you write for? Mostly Jane Austen, all novels, Elizabeth Gaskell (Wives & Daughters), and Anne Bronte (The Tenant of Wildfell Hall). I have also technically written Oscar Wilde and My Happy Marriage, but those were very transformative.
I also have written some fics based on Kdramas, mostly for Alchemy of Souls.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
A Ride to Netherfield - Jane breaks her leg on the way to Netherfield and must stay for a month. Short one-shot (6k) and the first Pride & Prejudice variation I wrote.
Of Every Elizabeth - short and sweet Pride & Prejudice fluff, Darcy has nicknames for the plethora of Elizabeth's he's met over the course of his life (it was a super common name at the time)
Carry Me! - three vignettes of Jang Uk and Cho Yeong from Alchemy of Souls after they are married
The Fourth Bennet Sister - long fic (30k words), Pride & Prejudice variation where Kitty Bennet becomes aware that she is in a novel. She desperately tries to protect her sisters from harm.
All's Fair in Love and War - short Pride & Prejudice variation. Mrs. Bennet has weaponized compromise, men live in constant fear of being forced to marry.
5. Do you respond to comments? Yep. Every time.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Umm.... I'm not good at writing angst. I don't like characters to suffer for too long.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them?
8. Do you get hate on fics? Yes, because I dared to write Mr. Darcy marrying Anne Elliot. People get more angry about that for some reason than Elizabeth Bennet marrying Captain Wentworth in the same fic. Someone even told me Darcy would rather "throw himself off of Pemberley" rather than marry anyone other than Elizabeth. (Fic is called One Week Late)
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I have written smut a few times, it's pretty vanilla because I am pretty vanilla. I was reading Victorian erotica when I wrote my longest one, A Little Before Their Marriage (Jane & Bingley fic).
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I constantly write crossovers, my first published novel is a massive crossover, Prideful & Persuaded. One of my fun shorts is Fall on the Sword, where every canonically single woman in Austen's novels decides if they want to try for the recently divorced Mr. Rushworth.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not as far as I know.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? No, though someone did translate one of my meta posts from Tumblr. That was cool.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes, The Marriage Contest with Branch Cloudsky and two with Amelia Marie Logan, Poor Caroline and Inferior Connections. All Pride & Prejudice fics, all funny. (You need an AO3 account for that one, the other two are on my personal website)
14. What’s your all time favourite ship? Catherine Morland & Henry Tilney. They are the only Austen couple I cannot bear to break up.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I am writing a queer retelling of Emma called "Different Ways of Being in Love", where Jane Fairfax and Emma were lovers as teenagers, Jane is bi, Emma is a lesbian, and Mr. Knightley is ace, but I got stuck on the middle part. Someday hopefully!
16. What are your writing strengths? I'm told I write some pretty hilarious farces. I am told I do characterization well, which is my main goal when writing fan fiction. I try to stick as close to canon as possible.
17. What are your writing weaknesses? I don't write enough filler or develop things well enough. I like writing action.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I would possibly try my hand at French, but probably never. I also have a lot of trouble reading accented speech (looking at you Wuthering Heights), so I'd probably never write it.
19. First fandom you wrote for? I am fairly certain I started writing a fix-it fic for Nineteen Eighty-Four after I read it in high school. Not sure I would be able to locate it but it did exist. The first since I started writing again was a sequel to Pride & Prejudice.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Probably Unfairly Caught (my other published work) or The Fourth Bennet Sister. I NEEDED to write a Mansfield Park fic because I hate the ending, so it fixed my dissatisfied feelings. My goal is to edit The Fourth Bennet Sister and get it published sometime this year.
@wurzelbertzwerg, @kehlana-wolhamonao3 and @bad-at-names-and-faces
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Hi, this is a lot of the stuff I have (completely) created; probably not all of it and I don't feel like searching through to find all of it but I'm trying to be organized be proud of me everyone. I suck at naming shit so I'm just writing the main ship and a general description of what it's about (click on ship name and there's a link attached).
Throne of Glass
Elorcan --> Elide brings home a cat, oneshot
Elorcan --> Elide gets reading lessons, oneshot
Elorcan --> Elide learns to fight, oneshot
Lorcan's Backstory (NO ROMANCE) --> his life before the TOG events
The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes/The Hunger Games
Snowbaird --> What if Lucy hadn't run away into the forest?
Coriolanus Snow x OC --> OC goes back in time to try and prevent the second war by ending the hunger games decades earlier.
Snowbaird --> Faerie AU, Lucy returns from the forest a decade after she ran away, one shot
Coriolanus Snow --> Murderous Coriolanus, post-Tbosas, canon compliant (Part 1) (Part 2)
A Court of Thorns and Roses
Completed Fics:
Tamsand --> What if Tamlin had shapeshifted to take Feyre's place in the bargain in ACOMAF?
Neris, Elucien, Feyre x OC --> Has ships but is mainly just Nesta destroying the Inner Circle because I find this amusing
Neris, Elucien --> Has ships but is mainly just Lucien wrecking havoc and destroying the Inner Circle because I find this amusing
Tamlin/Tarquin, Elucien --> Has ships but is mainly just Tamlin destroying the Inner Circle because I find this amusing
Tamlin's Life Story (some angsty Feylin, tragic doomed Tamcien) --> basically I wrote Tamlin into a Greek tragedy. Canon compliant...mostly.
Lady of Spring (NO ROMANCE) --> What if Tamlin's mother had left her husband? Exploration of a rejected mating bond.
Neris --> After her terrible experience with mating bonds, Nesta is determined to stop her sister's wedding to her mate, Lucien Vanserra. Unfortunately for her, Lucien's brother Eris is equally determined to ensure the wedding happens.
Eltamcien --> Super angsty, horny, gorey shit. I will probably never write anything remotely like it again but it's good...if you can handle it.
Feytamsand --> What if when Rhys sacrificed his life for the Cauldron, he lost his High Lord powers?
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6)
One-shot/two-shots:
Elucien --> Lucien meets Elain when she's still human
Lucien x Nesta (NOT ROMANTIC), Neris --> Lucien befriends Nesta and introduces Emerie to his mechanic friend Nuan
Lucien and Gwyn (NOT ROMANTIC) --> Just Lucien and Gwyn being chaotic and pranking the bats because that's what they deserve
That Calanmai scene --> Lucien's POV of his trauma with Ianthe
Uncle Eris and Auntie Gwyn (NOT ROMANTIC): Gwyn and Eris babysitting Nyx, two-shot (Part 1) (Part 2)
Baby bro Lucien and Big bro Eris --> exactly what it sounds like
Elucien --> Elain speaks to Lucien about his scars
Elucien --> Elain and Lucien discuss Ianthe
Elain and Nesta (sisterly bonding) --> Elain is finally fed up with the Inner Circle.
Nessian --> Post Hybern's death, Nesta fulfills a vow she made long ago.
Azris --> When Eris caught Azriel snooping (link)
When Azriel choked Eris HL meeting (link)
Tamlin Week Submissions: (link)
Nesta Week Submissions: (link)
#elorcan#elucien#neris#snowbaird#coriolanus snow x oc#tamsand#feyre archeron x oc#lucnes#tamlin x tarquin#tamquin#gwyneth berdara#lucien vanserra#tamlin#tamcien#eltamcien#lady of spring#tamlin's mother#anti inner circle#feylin#azris
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Twenty questions for fanfic writers
Tagged by the amazing @frogsmulder. Thank you!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
417 🤯
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
774,561 - I wanna get to a million now, wow
3. What fandoms do you write for?
The X-Files, Frasier. At least on AO3. I have way more fandoms on ff.net (where I used to post).
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Prompts & Drabbles
Fictober 2020
Fowl Play
Love is Not Blind
Some Things You Just Can't Fake
5. Do you respond to comments?
For a while I did and then I forgot again and I'm always afraid I will reply to someone but oversee someone else. In theory I want to respond to all of them! I just got two amazing ones in the last two days. So thoughtful and so plain kind. I definitely need to reply to these people.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I wrote one where Mulder dies (of old age, though) but I'm not even sure it's on AO3.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
All of them have a happy ending! I don't think I have a story without a happy ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
I have. Mostly in the distant past, but I think some more recent hate too. If I remember correctly, it wasn't directed at a fic in particular but rather at me as a writer in general.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
I have written a few smut stories. I know it's a popular genre, but I gotta be honest and admit that it's just not my favorite. Neither writing nor reading it. I know that's a very unpopular opinion.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
Again, not on tumblr, but I think I wrote a Frasier/Hot in Cleveland crossover once.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I know of.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Hmmm. I think maybe one?
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I have! I co-wrote Eden with a bunch of others! I mean we each wrote chapters but that still counts, right? It was a lot of fun and I'd love to do it again.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
Mulder and Scully
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
My Five Minutes Series. I think about it so often but I like the chapters I have written a lot and I'm afraid to screw it up by writing more.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I'm decent at writing dialogue.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Everything. I struggle with describing an environment or surroundings. I gotta admit I sometimes even skip reading those parts when other people write them. I don't see those things in my head.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
Technically I always write dialogue in another language since English isn't my native language. I've written a few German fanfics and that was a lot of fun. Might do it again.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
It was either Friends or X-Files. Or if we count stories I only wrote for myself then it's Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
Can't choose between my babies!
Tagging @xxsksxxx @randomfoggytiger @agent-troi @numinousmysteries @oohnotvery @atths--twice (feel free to ignore if you don't wanna do it!)
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Thanks so much for the tag @zsparz !!!💖
1. How many works do you have on ao3?
166!
2. What’s your total ao3 word count?
2.013.111. I write when I‘m stressed, can you tell?
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Mostly the MCU. Frostiron my beloved 💕 I recently posted a Huskerdust fic, though, and a couple years ago I posted some Good Omens stuff! I have another Good Omens wip brewing, but I haven‘t worked on it in a while.
4. Top five fics by kudos
First one up would be Your Call, a multi-chaptered ABO Frostiron thing that‘s sadly unfinished because I‘m not happy with where it was going somehow. Then Corners of Reality, my baby, Yes or No, Dereliktion and last but not least Vita Nova!
5. Do you respond to comments?
God I try. I’m so bad at it though. On long fics I always answer comments on the last chapter when I post the new one, but I keep forgetting to reply to comments on older chapters or oneshots😭 They all mean the world to me though.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Ohh I wrote a few angsty oneshots but it‘s been a while. Maybe Here, that‘s the most recent one. Of the older ones I remember all my light most clearly. Tony is dead or dying in both of these lol, poor Loki.
7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I like to think the happiest endings in stories are ones you had to fight for a little bit, so maybe Dereliktion. That was a long ride filled with angst and messed up relationships lol. I think Haywire (my first and so far only Sentinel/Guide fic, I love that trope a lot akfj) also has a pretty fluffy ending, and I have some oneshots that are pretty much all fluff!!
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Occasionally? Just the other day I got another anon ask on here complaining about my recent stories. Makes me extra thankful for everyone who takes the time to tell me they enjoy my stuff!!💖
9. Do you write smut?
I do! Pretty much all the time lol. I love writing Dom/sub relationships!
10. Craziest crossover?
I don‘t think I‘ve ever written one before?
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Yesss. I‘m not sure if they just didn’t know any better though, they deleted the copied parts as soon as I told them.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes!! I‘m always so happy when that happens!!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Also yes. One year I did a whole Frostiron Advent calendar with @rabentochter (do you remember this????? How did we have the time??????? Insane) and we wrote a few more collabs beyond that.
14. All time favorite ship?
Frostiron!!!!!!!!!!!! I love my sassy messed up geniuses lol
15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
Uhhh I‘ve got a few. I‘d like to finish/rewrite Your Call. Once I also had the cracky fever dream of Loki doing random standup comedy shows in New York because he‘d KILL that. Can you imagine the sarcasm. The gallow‘s humor. Anyway I started that and then realized I Cannot Write Standup Routines at all. So there‘s that.
16. What are your writing strengths?
What I like to write the most is character and relationship development, so hopefully I‘m decent at that? Also dialogue, I hope, but that kinda comes and goes depending on the conversation.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
I kinda suck thinking of longish plot that goes beyond “will they kiss?? Will they FUCK???” so I’ve been trying to practice that. Also scenes with lots of action😭
18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?
I like it. I’ve been wanting to write a fic where Tony can properly show off his language skills but I don’t know enough languages to pull that off lol
19. First fandom you wrote in?
The VERY first was Dracula, back when I was 13 or so. I had a big thing for van Helsing back then. My first fandom on ao3 was Once Upon a Time!!
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
Ooohhh. That would be Corners of Reality, because I worked on it for years before I even started posting it and I love how it turned out. It’s a slow burn time travel enemies to friends to almost lovers to enemies to friends to lovers to enemies to allies to lovers fic. I had SO much fun writing it I still think about it all the time😭😭
I’m just gonna tag some writers I know are on here: @endlessstairway @xottan @izhunny @arabesqueangel @bouncydragon no pressure though!! And if you see this and you’re a writer please consider yourself tagged!!💖
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Thanks @palmviolet for tagging me!
How many works do you have on AO3? 154
2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 900k
3. What fandoms do you write for? Peaky Blinders, Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy VII, Dragon Age II, The Professionals.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Interesting and not straightforward question: I've been writing since 2007 and only rebooted my fics to AO3 in 2023. I backdated them to time of writing rather than posting live into the current update stream. I was vaguely curious to see what *actually* attracts readers through the AO3 search engine. So, my current top five are all Peaky Blinders Tommy/Lizzie fics, and given my small followers list, everyone following me will probably already have read them!
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I do, and it’s my vain (both senses of the term) struggle with how to do it appropriately. I am conscious of how comments, particularly on an AO3 "archival" fic, can weight a reader's further interpretation/engagement of or with fic by that author, and that I'll never put so much time into comments as I do into fic.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? 7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? The fics I thought of picking for these two pretty much overlapped. Perhaps this shows just how I approach happiness – it’s moments, it’s never an ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics? Only old Dragon Age fics. Interesting period of time where any fic author that didn't unequivocally support the moral rightness of one particular character's opinions was targeted. Like: ok to write torture/rape fics of this character, but only if it was clear the author thought this character was morally right. Such a destructive troll.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I'll write sex, mostly as part of a larger arc rather than standalone smut; often it is a partial scenario rather than linear start-to-end event written in a rhythm to support a coherent wanking rise-to-climax read. I'm pleased if people find it pushes their buttons, but I'm also not bothered if it doesn't. I do approach smut as one of many possible lenses or frames for a character, however, so smut that detaches from character confuses me.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Sometimes but they have to feel really right. I think I tend more to fusion or pastiche (I think those are the terms?) rather than crossover: I take a particular character concept/theme and port them into a particular environmental context which is not possible in the canon to see what happens. The only one I still have up is a FFXII/Dragonriders of Pern fic (incomplete) which was going to be all about the horrible knowledge of socially accepted and endorsed ritualised rape and forced feminisation of a character.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I'm not that popular to notice.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I have a memory of one in FFXII but can't recall.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! Taught me a lot, including the kind of writer I am - difficult to collaborate as my push to complete within a motivational urge period will always be greater than a long-haul effort, and I struggle to be available for other people. I’m either good at the front end ideas-generation, or a micro detail ‘write this particular thing/scene and fill it with goodness’, and not very good at the middle bit – the long slot of planning and plotting and aiming for consistency etc. I am so grateful fandom exists to support non-traditional prose formats which let me play with writing and thinking and engagement without needing to produce to book-style production standards.
14. What’s your all time favourite ship? I usually fixate on a character, and pairings allow means to explore that character rather than being an end game.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Oh they all carry this potential. *cries* The issue for me is loss of motivational drive/thinking; because I rarely have good structural notes etc if I lose my immediate thread of 'thinking of everything all at once' I find it hard to pick up again later. I also stop some fics because I realise how ambitious the scope really is, and I feel like I can’t do them justice.
16. What are your writing strengths? Speed-sketcher? Completionist? Tests multiple ideas rapidly and freely and never worries about something 'being wrong' because there's always another fic to try? Intuitive gut level hits on characterisation here and there?
17. What are your writing weaknesses? Editing, pacing, I can't sustain long fic, I frequently move characters around like paper dolls for the sake of the cool and forget they need their own internal motivation.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I prefer the kind of cant-based/dialect-based approach which splices non-English terms fluidly into English dialogue, mostly because as a child of many migrants this has been my world experience. I do suck at writing this, hence my frequent use of cop-outs to say 'language shift here, meanwhile still writing in English'. But when it’s done well it hits so many of my sweet spots.
19. First fandom you wrote for? FFVII.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Anything in my Personal Favourites list: https://archiveofourown.org/series/3728710. (I'm still too close to Peaky Blinders to pick a fav, it'll take about five years of distance!)
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Twenty questions for fanfic writers
I was tagged by @agent-troi and @randomfoggytiger Thanks for the tag, guys!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
53
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
712,000 exactly, which is sort of creepy?
3. What fandoms do you write for?
The X-Files mainly, though a million years ago I wrote two fics for JAG, and technically, I have a His Dark Materials fic (but it's an XF crossover)
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
The Mesas of Deuteronilus Mensae
Prompt Drabble Collection
The Annapolis Grant
Three Part Harmony
A Companion Unobtrusive
5. Do you respond to comments?
I try to! Comments are the only payment fanfic writers get, and it's an incredibly valuable and underrated currency. Fanfiction as a community is one of the most generous you'll find, and I'm incredibly proud to be a part of this particular one.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Oh man, probably La Comtesse de Saint-Germain.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
In this day and age I feel like we deal with enough shit, so I try to end most of my fics happily. I think A Gem-Like Flame probably has the most uplifting happy ending, but then, I'm a sports nerd.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
I haven't yet.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Um, probably pretty vanilla het MSR. No shame.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I've only written one, but it turned out really well, I thought. It's an X-Files/His Dark Materials novella-length crossover that takes place in Lyra's world, pre-Lyra, called Out of the Little Grove.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Anyone who steals my fic is going to catch these hands.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes, a couple of years ago someone asked if they could translate one of my fics to Russian. It's out there somewhere.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I jumped in and helped @monikafilefan get Five Years and a Lifetime over the line for a fic exchange a couple of years ago. A fun, collaborative experience, that was like 85% Monika. It's a great fic, check it out if you haven't!
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
Mulder & Scully are my OTP. Always and forever.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I'd love to finish Madam Scully's Spiritual Services, Inc., it's an AU where Scully works for her sister's Psychic Boutique while prepping for med school. Scully ends up being actually psychic and she helps newly minted FBI agent Fox Mulder solve a series of murders. I have it almost completely plotted (except for the nitty-gritty hard stuff), but I don't think I'll ever get it done, sadly. It's just too big a story to tackle with where I am in my life. Though I never say never.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I'm decent at dialogue, have a pretty firm grasp on plotting, and, I hope characterization.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
My character work is probably my weak spot, which is why I have so much fun writing fanfic--the character work is already done, I just get to play around a world where everybody already knows the characters.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
When I do it, I hope like hell that I'm doing it right. I think it's necessary for some stories and you just hope you're properly respecting a language you don't speak.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
The X-Files, in the year of our lord nineteen hundred and ninety eight.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
It's a toss up between Proof of Life, an AU where CNN conflict reporter Dana Scully is kidnapped and imprisoned with fellow kidnap victim and photojournalist Fox Mulder, and they, you know, fall in love. And North of Zero, a post-col novel where Mulder and Scully get William back and have to save the world. The one I totally pantsed (made up as I went along), and it came together like alchemy. I love that story. If you don't like AU, you'd like Proof of Life. If you don't like post-colonization stories, you'd like North of Zero. I don't always like everything I've written after I'm done writing it (a writer's life), but I'm incredibly proud of both of those fics.
Tagging @monikafilefan because she's already tagged, and anyone else who wants to do this!
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Fic Writer Interview
I was tagged by @anghraine - thank you!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
under my main pseudonym that I actually use these days, 610. total, across pseuds, we're looking at 1,013.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
4,930,564, which is so close to 5 million!!! we'll see if I hit that threshold this year, I might if all goes well with big bang fic
3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
I thought I could do this from memory and I was so close, only missed two.
Life in Reverse (13,990)
With Absolute Splendor (10,436)
some good mistakes (6,551)
The Villain Wrangler (4,445)
half a league onward (4,437)
4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do not, because I don't know what to say, get overwhelmed, fall behind, get more overwhelmed, and ultimately end up with a backlog I don't feel capable of dealing with so I just don't. I feel bad about this periodically (often) but I don't do anything with that feeling. Just kinda feel bad.
5. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?
I've written a lot of fics with angsty endings but I might have to give this one to Mercy, because that was a very mean fic on the whole. arguably even meaner than my other murder/suicide fic.
6. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?
I have a hard time with this question because I feel like most times my happy endings are at least touched with some kind of bitterness or loss or at least underlying open door that could be a problem down the line, or, like, lingering trauma.
but on the other hand I'm sure I have written generally happy endings in my backlog of fics, there's just a lot of fic in there so it's hard for me to pull them out, because they're probably also the ones that I find less memorable.
in some ways I think With Absolute Splendor might get this one, because it feels like it has ones of the strongest sense of earned catharsis, even if everything isn't all the way fixed. there's probably happier endings in terms of world state, but that's one where the ending feels happier because it doesn't start that way. but how this grace thing works is also one of the fics where I feel like it's on the whole softer/tenderer than my usual work.
7. Do you write crossovers?
not really! I wrote a few once upon a time, and a couple pastiches (one fandom in the style of another fandom), but those are years behind me and I'm not generally a crossover person as a rule.
8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
oh yes. most of it more entertaining than truly upsetting, but there are a few exceptions. my favorite remains the person who was really bothered by the fact that my Black Jewels Trilogy fic wasn't High School Musical fic. still no idea what was going on there.
9. Do you write smut?
sure do. I haven't been writing as much these days (but then, I haven't been writing as much these days, full stop) and I've never been all that much of a pwp writer but it's still very much a part of my writing.
10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
once, some time ago - I think it was Life in Reverse got posted on Wattpad. oh, though there was also another MCU fic that got reposted on AO3, but the person deleted it pretty quickly when I commented to inform them I didn't appreciate their doing so.
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I have! into a few languages and it's always super cool and flattering to me.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I have the one in progress but never anything I've finished/posted. I've done a lot of RP over the years but I always kept it pretty squarely separate from my fic writing.
13. What's your all-time favorite ship?
I've had a lot of all-time favorite ships, and there are plenty for fandoms I'm no longer really in that stick around in my head for longer than I'm really participating in the fandom (Celegorm/Aredhel is notable for this), but I think I will say that Xue Yang/Xiao Xingchen occupies a very particular kind of sort of insane place in my brain that feels relatively unique. so I'll give this one to them.
14. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?
oh lord, so many of them. mostly various MCU wips I'll probably never finish but where I'm like "this was a good idea and I like what I have of it so far, too bad the MCU killed my caring about the MCU." outside of those...I'm so loathe to accept that things will or might remain unfinished, so I'll go with one of those and say the "Hela is around when Thor and Loki are growing up" one, which would've been so good and I still sometimes toy with the idea of returning to, only, you know. aforementioned "caring about the original canon" issue making it hard to actually do the writing thing.
15. What are your writing strengths?
I've been slowly filling out this meme for a while and I left this question conspicuously blank almost to the last. I think my strongest area is probably dialogue, though I worry that I'm giving myself too much credit there. I think I'm pretty good at writing it, though. it certainly is one of the pieces of writing that comes most easily to me.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
description and action, for sure. I tend to skimp on description in a way that probably weakens much of my writing (I have so much respect for writers with good descriptive language), and I loathe writing action scenes the way that I loathe writing few things - it always feels like wrestling a bear. I usually know what I want to have happen as a result but getting there is just. very hard.
17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
something you gotta be very careful with. I was going to say I almost never do it, but the one exception to that is Lymond Chronicles where I do it a lot, but that's because it's a fairly important part of the style of canon and I'm just. following that lead. otherwise, I tend to shy away from it personally, partly because I write from pretty deep in a character's head and if they don't understand what's being said in another language then that's what I want to convey in the story, rather than giving the reader privileged access to what's being said that the character doesn't have.
does that sound really pretentious? probably.
18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?
technically I wrote a cracky Harry Potter fic first, but I consider my first actual fandom to be Wheel of Time.
19. What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?
either bingjiu or beefleaf are two pairings that I love and have a lot of strong feelings about but haven't actually managed to write anything for, and both are on my list as like...just #waiting for the right idea.
also hua cheng/mu qing, which is a tiny pairing of my heart that Needs Me (or whatever) and I know the kind of fic I want to write for it but actually executing it is, as usual, proving harder.
20. What's your favorite fic you've written?
it fluctuates wildly depending on mood, but I'll give this one for now to the backyard is full of bones - it was the first project I bound into a book, which I feel like says something for it.
tagging @gloriousmonsters, @curiosity-killed, @mikkeneko, @brawlite, and @feralkwe; not actually sure how many people I'm "supposed" to tag on this one so if you want to do it consider yourself tagged as well.
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Out of curiosity, could be either due to craft or sheer enjoyment, what are your top favourite books?
Okay lowkey I wrote this post & then tumblr ATE it so here it is a little late!! Rachel's All Time Favourite Books (in no particular order):
Cleanness - Garth Greenwell (litfic, ok but this is actually my fave book & today Garth Greenwell lowkey Acknowledged My Presence SOOOO!!! I've read this 4x since August, it's a craft masterpiece)
What Belongs to You - Garth Greenwell (litfic, the book that comes before Cleanness, I'm not as attached to it but it's still FANTASTIC)
A Hundred Lovers - Richie Hofmann (poetry, my fave poetry collection of all time, ALL my epigraphs come from here)
We Do What We Do in the Dark - Michelle Hart (litfic, AMAZINGGG character study & peak into relationship dynamics)
Big Shadow - Marta Balcewicz (litfic, one of my fave books of all time, FANTASTIC teen protagonist in this bildungsroman)
Physical - Andrew McMillan (poetry, AMAZING queer poetry, lots of epigraphs from here too)
Winter in Sokcho - Elisa Shua Desapin (litfic, probably the best start-to-finish narrative I've ever read in my whole life)
If An Egyptian Cannot Speak English - Noor Naga (litfic, THE BEST litfic ending I've ever read, it's UNEXPECTED and something to be STUDIED)
Undoing Hours - Selina Boan (poetry, I feel so grateful for this book as it really helped me reconnect to my Indigenous identity. I met Selina after a LIFE-CHANGING reading & chatted with her, & that conversation drove me to learn more about my family!)
Bitterblue - Kristen Cashore (YA fantasy, this is LITERARY FICTION TO ME I've re-read this like 6 times)
Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo (YA fantasy, really fun ensemble cast, THE AUDIOBOOK SLAYS)
Intimations - Alexandra Kleeman (litfic short story collection, some of THE BEST short story collections, my work feels adjacent to this dare I say??)
The Marionettes - Katie Wismer (NA paranormal, this series is sooo tropey and fun like I CAN'T WAIT for the last book, I did like book 2 best but this is the first one & I loved it too!)
Demi-Gods - Eliza Robertson (litfic, this was my fave novel before Cleanness & Eliza is my fave writer & from my alma mater! Read my interview with her!)
Monkey Beach - Eden Robinson (litfic, I read this book in a DAY, it's the most impactful novel I've ever read, she's also from my alma mater!)
How to Pronounce Knife - Souvankham Thammavongsa (litfic short story collection, my fave short story collection OF ALL TIME I learned so MUCH about short stories from this!)
The Girls - Emma Cline (litfic, this was MY writing bible for so long lol, I actually ethically hate how this book treats real murders but Emma Cline is an incredible writer & the best parts of this book are the ones that don't casually repurpose history... I have thoughts...)
History of Wolves - Emily Fridlund (litfic, I need to re-read this NOW but wow, the first half of this is chilling...)
Past Lives, Future Bodies - K-Ming Chang (poetry, not sure if you can still buy this but this is one of THE best collections I own)
The Darkest Minds - Alexandra Bracken (YA dystopian, I love AB SOOO MUCH even now hehe, this was a childhood fave & Fostered is a ripoff so <3)
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JK's live 4 March 1:47 am KST
Part 2
Cr./ to all the creators of the media used in this post.
So, where were we?
Oh yes, Tae left the live.
Just after this is when JK takes a pause and decides to open up about the gym incident.
“I am human too”
I have already kind of addressed this in my previous post.
But you see, watching the full live I realized that what we were given, in the clips and the translations, was not everything that JK said. Watching the live, it feels even more. More honest and more raw. Man was wearing his heart on his sleeve.
I did try to download this, add the subtitles, cause damn, it doesn’t download with the subtitles embedded. But turns out I’m kind of shit with the IT and tech stuff and it just didn’t work. And I really really wanted you to see the full thing. So, I’m trying to link this timed to the right spot, but if it doesn’t work, start watching at: 1:30:00 or around that timestamp. Be patient. Don’t fast forward from that timestamp and don’t stop until it’s over.
Kanmom’s orders.
Watch these YT links on Youtube. That button on the bottom left.
youtube
He talks about this for around 6 minutes. 6 whole minutes.
Seeing the full 6 minutes, a couple more things stood out to me. On top of what I wrote in my above linked post.
One of them was this:
And we knew he asked not to come seek him out when it’s not an official schedule, private times in other words.
He talks about other army, you know, the respectful ones, those that don’t stalk him at the gym (and more to come, that’s the point I’m going to reach. I promise I’m on my way there).
He keeps going back to how thankful he is. And we know he is. JK loves Army.
And here comes my punch line:
This part here, to which he once again adds also when he is working out. It was left out of the translations or the clips that were shared.
And why oh why is the first thing I think of the White day photo? You know, that photo of them spending time together in a restaurant on White day. A restaurant that they frequented but stopped visiting since that day. Do you think maybe that had something to do with it? You know, the breach of their privacy?
And the home reference too. We know what he’s talking about.
I don’t know why, but him referencing those two hits harder. I think understandably so. Even his home, the physical place where he’s supposed to feel safest is not safe. And I’m not going to say the word anymore, because this isn’t something new. What’s new here is that he has finally spoken up against it. And it took being drunk to do so.
The second point has to do with those 3 characteristics a person should have according to JK. Remember them?
Respect, understanding and consideration.
If only these ‘fans’, so called fans, obsessed human beings, would take the time and listen to the person they supposedly love but don’t really (what they are is obsessed with a character they created in their head, one that mostly has nothing to do with who JK actually is).
JK ends this with a bow. He bows to us.
Like goddamn heartbreaking.
“Army, why do you cheer for us?”
Writing these words down I’m tearing up.
This here. This is where I literally broke down.
His talk about privacy was painful to hear, but these words, that he repeated twice towards the end of his live, out of nowhere, a pensive look on his face, stopping to inhale and ask again. These words. They broke me.
youtube
(Start at 2:00:07 timestamp. We always talk about context. Not looking at something torn from it’s surroundings. What came before and after, that means a lot. So start watching from that point).
It’s not only the words, that as of themselves show such vulnerability. It’s the look on his face, the pauses, the facial expressions while thinking about it, before saying, while saying it.
After a few seconds he gathers himself up, he realizes this was a little too heavy, and he tries to move on.
My heart broke into 1000 pieces at that point. And you can say that I’m being melodramatic, and maybe I am, but at that moment, and even now writing this, a tear running down my cheek, I feel him. And what he meant can be interpreted 1001 ways, but one thing I do think is irrefutable – it came out of pain. Maybe 2 things. He wouldn’t have said it if he wasn’t drunk, which he really was by this point. And we all know wine loosens the tongue.
Can’t tell you that JK singing Lonely did my emotional state any good either.
JK falling asleep.
Bless his heart. He was drunk (toward the end it was REALLY showing), and tired and said he’s going to rest a little bit. But you know, just like JM told us, one minute he’s there with you and the next he’s out.
So, our Jungkookie, yes ours, fell asleep and started snoring, and around 15 minutes into that I guess the staff, who most likely tried to call him to wake him up and shut off the live, gave up on it and shut it down remotely, lol.
If you want to see those 15 minutes, or listen to them:
All and all this wasn’t an easy watch. There were fun parts. There were cute and funny parts. But there was also a heavy atmosphere surrounding it.
Please don’t take this where it’s not supposed to be going. I have never and will never claim to know JK’s mental state. Nor have I ever used the word that starts with D, and I won’t now either. I am not a therapist or a psychiatrist and have zero diagnostic skills.
Saying that, I am a mature person with life experiences, that include going through my own hardships in life, and including living with, loving, taking care of a neuro divergent daughter diagnosed with the pesty D word.
There are clear signs that JK is going through something.
Look, if indeed we are correct and JK is neuro divergent, this alone - no work no set schedule or structure time, it’s not really doing him good. Not having this structure, the timetable to work with, the set schedule with those around him to nudge him on, it throws him off kilter.
Then you have his introvert nature, keeping him at home much of the time.
Add to that his catalyst, his anchor is working to his bones, literally (have you seen him in his live last night?) at the moment, and the three people that grounded him over the years: Jin, Hobi and JM, are now kind of not around, not available, either at all or not enough.
And as if that wasn’t enough, then we have Bam not being well. He told us himself that Bam not being there to greet him was hard on him. Not to mention the worry for his health too.
One positive sign I did notice was the weight gain. I said it before. He was too skinny. And I don’t think that JM’s comment during JK’s mukbang live was just being cute. He was genuinely happy JK was eating.
Look, like JK said, and this is something I’ve been stressing since day 1. These guys, they’re human. I mean they have been trying to tell us this too, but some fans still struggle with the concept. And realizing that they might not be in the best mind space is something they are not willing to come to terms with (the fans that is).
JK drinking alone (yes, that means something too), getting drunk alone (and don’t give me that “but he’s with army bull”) that means something too. Him also needing that liquid courage to come out and say what he did to Army, that means something. And JK sharing what he did about his privacy. JK asking us why we cheer them. That is a person that is going through something. I can’t seem to find a better word than struggling.
It’s like when you come to the end of a road in life and still don’t have a clear path moving forward, f.i. finish high school, without a clear career or purpose paved ahead. It can be overwhelming and takes getting used to. And during that time of adjustment, you are a little lost.
This unclear future has been a reality they have all been living in since 2020. But they were living it together. And JK had JM strapped to his hip the whole time. Now it’s them each doing it on their own. Even RM is struggling, he shared some of it with us. JK, he’s the youngest, the one that has needed these young men around him, and they are/will be disappearing on him one by one.
Oh, and how could I forget, them disappearing…the why. All I’m going to say is this: Military service. One more stress factor for many reasons (worries for himself, worries for his loved ones, worries for the separation, worries for what happens during and after).
On top of that, for some time now JM has been super busy and that hip band, the one that connected them, it’s ripped. It’s not easy to get used to that kind of new reality. Think about it for a second. Who is that person that was always there the second JK was in pain, physical and emotional? He’s not absent per say, but he’s also not 100% available either. That’s life, we all live it, well most of us, our significant others aren’t with us 24/7, we don’t work together (some of us do), we don’t spend all our spare time with each other. Doesn’t make us any less strong as a couple, maybe just maybe it makes us stronger.
But for JK this wasn’t his reality for 10 years. Since the moment JM joined, they were more or less inseparable. And those that still live in that K-drama narrative where JK used to hate JM need to wake up and watch the content. Cause boys were close. Sleeping together on the floor outside the bed room so they can get up earlier and go practice together close. JK talking to JM about wanting to give up singing and JM talking him out of it close. JK hugging JM in his sleep close. And this the early years, before we even dreamt they were anything but friends. Close friends. JM even then being JK’s emotional anchor.
I keep going back to AHL and the kidnapping. Hate the show, despise the episode, but one thing you learn from that episode, and that is that JM is JK’s person. How one second it’s Suga sitting next to JK, and the next it’s JM. Cut, edit, we don’t know what went down but all of a sudden it’s JM sitting next to petrified JK. And as they are taking off their socks you even see JM patting JK carefully (on his leg), just a soft touch to calm him down.
So yeah, this person means the world to JK. Since forever. And JK has been somewhat spoilt. Because of their work and their lives and he got to have JM with him almost 24/7. But not anymore, and more so lately, now that JM has all these projects on top of a first solo album coming out.
To end my over lengthy and maybe boring to some Ted talk, all I’m getting at is that we can see JK is a little off. Anyone with eyes but without their army fantasy biased filters can see it. Sit a non army, non fan, someone who doesn’t even know who JK is, to watch this live and they will tell you something’s off. And it’s ok to say it out loud people. Doesn’t mean you love him less. I’d even say it kind of means you love him more. Because you SEE him. Like he wants us to see him. As human. With feelings. And wants. And needs. And faults. And struggles.
And bottom line, JK, I hope and have to believe that he’ll be ok. At the end of the day, he is surrounded by those that love and support him. He has a bf who is crazy about him and that we’ve seen in the past is there for him, fully. He has family that love and support him. It’s just a hard adjust. And it takes getting used to.
After finishing up my post I came by this clip, which I would like to share with you all. Some what of a fitting ending to my post:
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20 Questions for Writers
Thank you for the tag @hoko-onchi-writes! Great way to spend a lazy Sunday morning :)
Username: magpie_fngrl
1. How many works do you have on A03? 54
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 392,045
3. What fandoms do you write for? I've mostly written drarry. I'd started as a pynch writer (TRC) and lately I've written a bunch in other fandoms.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos? all drarry:
dirtynumbangelboy
The Miseducation of Draco Malfoy
The Full Monty
Through the Looking Glass and What Draco Found There,
9 ½ Days
5. Do you respond to comments? I do my best. I made a decision back when I posted a lot of stuff and got more comments than I could handle that I would only reply to the comments on the last chapter of a multi-chapter fic. Other than that, I try my best to reply to everyone.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I wrote a Major Character Death fic (The Death You Carry). Can't get angstier than that.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Most of my fics end happy, but now that I think of it they're mostly HFN in romance-genre speak. Happy For Now aka the fic ends with them as a couple, kissing or touching for example, the Ever After is implied but not explicit. Two fics which end with H/D living together, and thus more committed to each other, are Hush, darling and The Boy Who Died. These are also angstier than my other fics, which makes the happy ending sweeter imo.
8. Do you get hate on fics? Not hate per se. I've received demanding comments ("Can you write more? Another sex scene? And make it mpreg?") or comments like "I like your story but I can't read on because you have X topping". Not hate. There was a time, though, that I got several comments about how stupid/annoying/an arsehole Harry is, which reflect an attitude I used to see in fandom, where Draco is perfect and Harry is a bumbling fool and the minute he says something sharp to Draco he becomes an arsehole and should be screamed at. Needless to say, I hate this kind of interpretation. I deleted a couple of these comments, I just couldn't have them on my page. It was the reason I de-activated comments on all my fics for some time.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? The sexy kind, I hope LOL
Serious answer: I have written explicit sex scenes, although I tend to be more vague rather than write a play-by-play description of what is happening. I mean, there is some of that, but not as detailed as it can be. I don't know how to explain it better in English, sorry. Anyhow, I love sex scenes, I love reading them, I enjoy the challenge of writing them, and I think what I like best in what I read (and thus I try to emulate) is when a sex scene reveals the emotional state of these two people rather than just say whose dick does what.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I haven't! A couple of years ago I got a few asks about wangxian and drarry meeting up and although it was fun to reply to the asks and imagine how it would take place, I don't think I'll ever write it.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Someone screenshot dnab and posted it on instagram. The whole 40k fic. If there have been others, I don't know.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, a few.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I haven't and I'm not sure I could. I don't think my writing process would lead to successful collaborations. If I were to imagine it, the easiest for me would be that each writer has their own POV (I'd write Draco, the other person Harry, for instance) and we'd have a general idea but not a strict outline and we'd write it like a relay race: I'd post something, they'd write the next part, then me etc.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship? I tend to move on from fandoms, so it used to be pynch, then drarry, now wangxian. I don't have a lot of time for fandom these days so I'm not as obsessed with a ship as I used to be. I love all my babies equally.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I started a fic with a magical university of sorts, or rather 8th year but they'd be more like uni students than normal school students, and Draco was a Veela whose mate was Astoria. Not sure where it would all go, but well--it won't go anywhere now, because I have so many other WIPs that take precedent.
16. What are your writing strengths? I'm decent at dialogue and I've been told my fics have great atmosphere. Occasionally I write an unusual turn of phrase and people comment on that. My fics are fairly short, but I've been told that they have a lot more story than the reader expected because of the word count, and I think that's because I edit ruthlessly.
17. What are your writing weaknesses? Plotting is my main problem. I pants my stories and it takes me forever to figure out what happens next. I also lack confidence and doubt everything while writing, which isn't a writing weakness exactly, but it does affect my writing.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? It's cool. I like it.
19. First fandom you wrote for? The Raven Cycle. I was mad about pynch.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Currently 9 ½ Days but I have a very, very soft spot for The Boy Who Died.
Tagging: @lettersbyelise @lucifergraced @coriesocks @wolfpants @julcheninred @nerdherderette @lqtraintracks if they wanna!
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