#so even when they’re on good terms there’s still that underlying ‘fuck you’
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I will never care about besties tim and Damian or a good relationship between Damian and Bruce until everything tim and bruce did gets seen with the same weight and vitriol everything Damian did. Y’all dragged that shit for years on Damon’s part but now you think ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t understanding of you even tho I was right and you were evil but it was just bc u were brainwashed and refused help and I should’ve done more but that’s not my JOB that’s just the kindness of my heart so really the person who’s wrong is you but aren’t I so nice and understanding and emotionally mature for saying sorry?’ In every fic for Bruce and Tim is appropriate for them to move on 😭
#tim gets to be mad suspicious and lame for YEARS after the dinosaur#which I’m not saying isn’t valid#but damian just has to be like ‘yeah the hitlist was on me 😬’#and have tim apologizing equate to being hard on himself in that scenario?#btw in my ideal version of canon they don’t talk about these things ever and brush them under the rug and allow that resentment to fester#so even when they’re on good terms there’s still that underlying ‘fuck you’#bc in my ideal version of canon these sibling shenanigans are far and few in between bc a they don’t live together and b there’s always smt#going on and even if they desperately want to be close and a family they can’t. bc of the issues they allow to fester#BUT TALKING FANON AND FICssss#if they’re gonna be all buddy everyone’s gotta put work in#it can’t be ‘im sorry I didn’t idolize you in the right way father 💔 instead of propping ur white ass up for being murderous now I’ll do it#for being so nice and kind and…kind of like a savior. my white savior :)’#And bruce going ‘sorry I didn’t trust u. but not rlly.’ etc.#like whenever u hve tim or bruce feeling guilty it’s always with the underlying ‘aren’t they too nice/too understanding’#but Damián has to fall to his knees and do BLOOD OATHS (u racist ass fucks) to even be kind of deserving of kindness#it’s crazy bc as always this does reflect how y’all see black and brown ppl irl but I digress#anyways I’m not even against buddy buddy tim and Damián or tim and bruce#it’s just as always the way things get skewed in favor of white characters is always…always.
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Okay hi I’m back with another ramble-y ATLA character analysis since this is low key my brand on here lmao-
Today I want to talk about Zuko from the lens of someone who also had to deconstruct. This will be long, but please bear with me!
I was raised in a very white conservative evangelical Christian bubble where literally EVERYONE I knew for the majority of my childhood and teenage years thought mostly the same way. There was a lot of othering and shaming of anyone who thought too differently. Even if it was sometimes said more passively than cruelly, there was always that underlying tone. “The others/the people outside of our group/the worldly ones are lost and need our help because we’re better than them!”
While I strived to not be cruel, my beliefs were still harmful. I lost a few friends when I got to my mid-late teenage years because I didn’t yet know how to challenge what I’d been taught.
I see so much of myself in Zuko.
Zuko was surrounded by propaganda his entire life. He was steeped in it - steeped in the blood of those that the system he supported/represented had hurt and killed.
Anger is a huge part of all of this. While my anger was never quite as outward as Zuko’s (I hid it fairly well and was always known as the “pretty good kid”), I can still so heavily relate to his anger. His anger at always falling just short of being good enough or perfect enough. His later anger at himself for not understanding how fucked up the system was sooner. His anger at the people that failed and hurt him. His anger at realizing how he failed and hurt other people. All of it.
I also understand his backslides in Book 2 and early Book 3. When you begin tackling the first layers of harmful shit you’ve been taught, it can quickly become so tempting to just call it quits and go back. You almost start to romanticize the simplicity of life before you began this journey. The rules and goals were so straightforward back then, and deconstructing is messy as hell. Even if you were deeply hurting in your old life, at least you weren’t so damn confused. You used to know your next steps, but now everything is in disarray and you don’t have a direction to rebuild in yet. Going back almost feels like it would be a survival tactic, a way to have a sense of control again. Zuko definitely 100% needed to atone for what he did in Ba Sing Se because it hurt others, and while I’d like to think I would’ve made a different choice in his shoes, I also get it on some level. The confusion stage sucks, and it’s not always linear either.
But then.
One day, something just clicks. You eventually deconstruct enough that you truly come to full terms with how fucked up it all is. And you realize that you don’t belong there anymore, and the version of you that DID belong was just a facade. The blinders fully come off, they’re never going back on, and a spark lights in you that prompts you to make a big change. The deeper you go, the more urgent this deconstruction becomes in your mind because holy fuck I have to do something about this. I want this shit out of my brain for good and I want to help make things better. I want to learn who I am and finally live that out.
THAT is one of the most pivotal points in the journey, and I loved seeing it within Zuko’s arc when he comes to this realization after the war meeting in Book 3 and leaves to join the Gaang. I also loved that they didn’t trust him the first time he came to them - both he as an individual and the system that he had once supported/represented had hurt these people, and it took some real apologies and some time to build up trust. It also wasn’t done with half assed centrism either - it was “I acknowledge that this system is completely broken and wrong and I will do everything in my power to help gut it from the top-down and restore it with love”.
This leads to another pivotal point in the journey - instead of being motivated by fear like you were when you were deep in the indoctrination or by the raw anger you first felt as you initially left, you start to be motivated by love. And it’s the most freeing thing.
It was so cool to see Zuko learn that, while his anger was a helpful tool (ie: the confrontation with his father and his overall anger at the corruption he saw in his nation), he couldn’t be fueled by it any longer. He had to find another motivation to keep going, and he was then taught by the Sun Warriors and the dragons how to be motivated by light and life and love and also how to use those alongside an anger that was finally righteous.
And with this, he was ready to fight. To fight for a cause he knew to be good. To fight arm in arm with his newly acquired family. To fight to fix what his nation had done to the world and to itself. To fight for love and peace instead of division and hate and destruction.
And wow is it a beautiful journey.
TL;DR - Zuko’s story is so powerful to those who are deconstructing and I love him so much! I also just enjoy doing character analysis hehe.
(I really love talking about ATLA, so if y’all want me to analyze other characters or even plotlines through a specific lens, feel free to submit an Ask and I will happily do so!!!)
(Also, quick ending note - this is just my personal experience with deconstruction! Other people’s retelling of their own deconstructions may be different from mine, and that’s totally okay!!)
#atla#avatar the last airbender#zuko#prince zuko#character arcs#i really love zuko guys#deconstruction#deconstructing christianity#exvangelical
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a familiar face
Anyway, some infodumping about this AU under the cut
what is going on what is this au even based on?
This AU is heavily based on Fallout New Vegas, though it technically takes place in the SMP proper. c!Dream is taking the role of Mr. House, one of the joinable factions of the game (yes he’s his own faction), while c!Tommy is taking the role of the Courier, the protagonist of the game.
why does it take place in the smp proper? is it not in the fallout universe?
The idea of this AU is that it takes place hundreds of years after the nuclear bombing of the Dream SMP. So it’s technically not in the fallout universe, no! However, the remains of the SMP have developed a similar society to that of the Mojave in Fallout New Vegas, though it isn’t exact.
so shouldn’t c!tommy be dead?
He is! Everyone died except c!Dream, and even that’s technical (he’s a withered husk in a pod connected to his computer). The idea is that, like Mr. House, c!Dream basically hooked himself up to a computer to live forever after learning about the nukes much earlier, and in diverting them from the Prison he ended up ensuring basically the entire server was caught in the crossfire, turning it into a post nuclear nightmare. This c!Tommy just so coincidentally happened to be born near-identical to the deceased c!Tommy, as did every returning character, because while the time loop broke its underlying effects are still kinda fucking with shit. c!Dream, of course, is ecstatic.
is c!dream and or c!tommy evil in this?
c!Dream, as a whole, is morally ambiguous, because all the factions have to be its based off fallout new vegas they’re all shitty but trying except the fucking legion. He wants to lead humanity into a new era, and help repair, but he’s an egomaniac dictator who’s sanity hasn’t been done any good over the past couple hundred years. c!Tommy's just a sixteen year old mailman who gets caught up in too much shit alas. He's probably got decent karma, in game terms, he tries. But he’s also like, way less qualified than the actual Courier.
who does c!tommy join?
He wants to join the NLR (New L'Manberg Republic). Turns out playing a version of Fallout New Vegas where Mr House is like infinitely more Interested in you (and he fucking saves you from dying immediately lmao he Very Badly wants you on his side) makes that VERY HARD. absolutely not interested in eggpire legion tho.
why is c!tommy shocked when he’s not even looking at c!dream?
Because there's a wall of lava behind him that just sprung up and he’s hot as Shit in that ranger outfit man.
#My art#dream smp#dsmp#dsmp au#new nevadas au#c!tommy#c!dream#c!primeboys#primeboys (derogatory)#tommyinnit fanart#c!dream fanart#dsmp fanart#dream smp fanart#eyestrain tw#gun tw
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There’s something about how a lot of project sekai fans approach found family that just. I dunno, rubs me the wrong way i guess? I feel like a lot of people are missing the point.
950 something words of me rambling like hell about frienship under the cut
Sibling HCs are very popular in this fandom and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing (i even have a couple myself) but the way people treat them is very nuclear, and agh I just really feel like you’re missing out on the nuanced platonic relationships that come with found family.
Like found family doesn’t fit conventional “nuclear family” dynamics. That’s the whole point! You can have a deep familial platonic bond with someone but that doesn’t always equate to siblings. I’m talking about this more in a fanon sense, because in game the Tenma’s and Toya consider each other like siblings, but I feel like especially on twitter people are overdoing it, for lack of a better term, with the sibling HCs.
I’m not trying to say it’s bad, have your fun HCs no one’s stopping you, but so many people I’ve seen recently where like every platonic ship they have (especially m/f ones) they consider as a sibling duo/trio/etc. And you are seriously missing the point of found family when you are building a whole extremely nuclear mum/dad/siblings dynamic between cast members. It’s all about the unconventional yet still familial bond. Found family is so good to explore because of the fact it isn’t the “default” family structure. You aren’t quite siblings or don’t have a parent/child dynamic, but you are family!!
Like just to talk about the fact that sibling HCs are something I see constantly with platonic m/f relationships as well. I know not everyone does this but so many people completely write off m/f friendship - either you are a couple or you are siblings. And maybe this is because of heteronormativity and the expectation that men and women who are friends must have underlying romantic interest in the relationship and if they don’t then they’re biologically related but maybe it’s not but still! Don’t overlook it. Normalise platonic m/f relationships they don’t need to be romantic or familial they can just be friends and I feel like this is such an underutilised dynamic in prsk fanon content, which is unusual considering it is so fucking prominent in the game particularly with VBS and WxS.
And even outside of m/f, platonic relationships of all gender combinations within the fandom are so so so overlooked. “But they’re not” okay you can’t just say “they are all besties <3” and get a pass because it feels like you have a very idealistic and blatantly unrealistic idea of how friendship works to the point it feels almost ingenuine. Like placing them all on that same level of frienship when friendship is so nuanced and truthfully you’re not gonna be that close with everyone. You grow distant from people or just never grow that close to people but these interactions can still be incredibly important even if they aren’t connected to a deep personal bond. On the other side of things you can have an extremely deep bond and close attachment to someone and it can be entirely platonic and just platonic. Not romantic not familial not queerplatonic. It’s just friendship and this game is all about platonic relationships even if it does delve into ship tease at times. Literally the theme that ties everything together is unity and friendship and community.
And this is getting offtopic from found family so I now present to you: Wonderlands x Showtime - the unit whose underlying theme is literally found family and I am willing to fight people on this. According to wikipedia (unreliable source, i know), found family is "a non-biologically related group of people established to provide ongoing social support". And while this applies to every unit in the game to some degree, it perfectly describes the WxS dynamic. Yes I know Niigo fits that definition too but their overall dynamic is a lot more centred around emotional support and some of their dynamics are still somewhat detached because of their individual situations and mental health problems. But WxS is about the social support aspect and it is staring you right in the face. Everyone in WxS was a weirdo or outcast or alone in some way but they find solidarity and a place to belong with each other. Nene was too shy and insecure to face people, Emu wanted to be taken seriously, and Rui was shunned and outcast for who he was. Tsukasa had a dream to become a star, Emu found him and hired him so she could fulfil her dream of revitalising the stage, which led to Rui being brought along and finally giving him somewhere where he was accepted, who got Nene to go with him so she could overcome her insecurities and perform again. They have each other when they don't have other people, they support each other in achieving their dreams because they share the same passion even if their goals lie on different paths. And it's just so fucking good. They aren't siblings, they aren't love interests* - they are friends. They are found family by definition and by example and it's not nuclear - it doesn't fit a familial structure at all they aren't siblings, it isn't a parent/guardian-child dynamic. It just is and that's what matters most.
Uhh I'm still bad at ending these things. Platonic relationships in Project SEKAI are important and you shouldn't water them down to fit nuclear family dynamics or idealistic expectations and accept that they have nuance and aren't always going to be perfect without flaws. Also heteronormativity bad, m/f friendship good, WxS is found family and you can anon hate me on that (also that was meant to be part of a different essay that has been in my drafts for months but the demons won).
If you made it this far congrats. I'm sorry you put yourself through reading whatever the fuck this is.
*i know a few of them have ship tease but shhhh it's not nearly as prominent as other units like MMJ/VBS anyway because guess what - the unit is much more focused on the platonic stuff. this is literally why L/n and WxS don't have as clear quote-unquote "most pushed pairings" as other units do because frienship is the main theme for those two units. this is not confirmed at all (according to colopale there is no ship tease in the game) but it doesn't take much to work out.
#idk maybe being into stuff like bat.man and so.nic before prsk kinda fucked me up#this is so messy if you can't read past paragraph 2 i don't blame you i literally wrote this whole thing in one sitting and didn't proofrea#project sekai#mine#it gets longer every paragraph because i gradually became more and more unhinged because god fucking damnit i love friendship#it is SO important#and found family is SO important as well#and OUGH this game is so good at writing platonic relationships#rambles
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I know it’s a personal preference thing but objectively Louis right now is so very sexy. He seems to be so much more confident in his skin and seems to be really enjoying his unattached “singleness”.
I think about these quotes from 2019:
That whole dark side I’ve gone through, it sounds stupid to say, but it gives me strength everywhere else in my life, because that’s the darkest shit that I’m going to have to deal with. So it makes everything else, not feel easier and not less important, but, in the grand scheme of things, you see things for what they are [.]
I’ve been to rock bottom and I feel like, whatever my career’s going to throw in front of me, it’s going to be nothing as big or as emotionally heavy as that. So, weirdly, I’ve turned something that’s really dark into something that empowers me, makes me stronger.
Louis thought through these events as he lived them. This interview was done in the summer and published in September 2019, only a few months after Fizzy passed away (March 2019). Louis also performed for Hits Live Birmingham in May 2019.
Through it all, and even now in full arenas, we hear an underlying thread of gratitude and humility in Louis’ thoughts, in his behavior, in how strangers perceive him when they meet him. Louis stays grounded to his family and home. No matter how small or big his career gets, his values guide him, his principles allow him to make the right life decisions.
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it. Louis is incredibly blessed in his appearance, but it’s his intelligence, kindness, and philosophy that make him so sexy. Sony’s marketing of One Direction-Louis as the snarky, loud, obnoxious, untalented “also ran” did real-life Louis so much injustice that it was easy for most people to dismiss him after the band broke up, and easy for media to manipulate the public (we’ve all read those character assassination pieces— as recently as a month ago). But whatever they do, they can’t break him, because Louis simply isn’t the guy they paint him to be.
Louis got up, found his way, and kept being how he always was: smart, good-looking, charismatic as fuck. There’s a reason why Louis impressed his 1D bandmates so much, and why they (still) want his approval and his confidence. There’s a reason why some fans and their disrespectful theories can’t get to him. At the heart of all the manic madness, Louis knows who he is. He’s been in the darkness and he emerged a better man (+ a few broken bones). Louis is who he has always been, all along, only better and stronger.
In storytelling terms, one would say that Louis has lived a hero’s journey — a truly climactic epic, with very low lows, and now, a truly deserved high that feels earned. Louis’ willingness to undergo the trial by fire— his gratitude for the good things, his willingness to look into the face of the bad and take it on— is fucking sexy as fuck.
The person who can fully, visually captures the emotional weight of Louis’ journey has been Joshua Halling. Joshua’s ability to find the millisecond of revelation in a photo has completely conquered me. His portraits show Louis’ humanity, his wry humor, his various moods, his happiness and sadness, his sentimentality and resolve behind his very pretty face.
In every photograph, we see a real human being— not just an idol. There’s sparkle, laughter, and light. We see experience and tears. We see camaraderie, care. We see choices. Imagine being able to see the journey in one frame of one concert, yet we see it every time.
They’re a magical team. Louis chose good people. That’s also so sexy of him.
#louis tomlinson#I just remembered that Louis ditched Rusty Eslamifar and Eleanor is still good friends with him#for all those people who think Elounor were a ‘good couple’#how do you feel about her disloyalty lol#posting about hanging with Rusty while she was still ‘with Louis’#knowing how Rusty treated Louis and his fans in 2017#cool right?
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okay so. last night i scrolled past some random podcast video ad on my fb feed, where two women were talking about “i want to teach my kids to have a healthy relationship with money”; which of course is a great thing. but then one of them went on with the classic, tired tangent you see online about “oh so we learnt pythagoras’s theorem, but NOTHING about high interest bearing accounts and home loans etc at ALL in school!!! how dare they teach us about Pythagoras but absolutely NOTHING about life skills like saving for a home!!!???”
like effie or whatever your name is. we did learn about basic interest in school, specifically in year 9 & 10 maths and probs in senior general maths too- even though i dropped maths for years 11 & 12. we did learn about how to calculate double time & half pay in maths. we did learn about saving money and budgeting in maths. but lo and behold, you were 15. and so, like many 15 year olds (very esp myself back in 2010 for example) you ignored this stuff and didnt think that it was important. like what teenager goes to apply for a car loan with a low interest variable rate of 7.5%??? not one. what 15yo actually cares about interest and how to calculate it???? not many. but maths teachers, to the best of their ability, do try to teach these things to the stubborn kids who don’t want to listen or even do the work. but it’s because they’re abstract concepts, in many ways, to kids. they defs were to me. i didn’t want to know anything about them (or mind you i didn’t want to know anything maths based bc to quote 15yo me i “loathe, despise and detest maths. so therefore i don’t have to try at it!”). and i think many teenagers who struggle with maths think like that.
but then we latch onto the obvs memorable names like pythagoras or fibonacci or just the all-encompassing term of algebra, and totally dismiss it, when we’re older, as pointless. like yes. don’t get me wrong. algebra, even without my distinct lack of trying at it, did send me into deep confusion and to *sleep acting* sleep. but for fucks sake, you can’t expect teachers and the school curriculum to cram EVERYTHING into a school day like life management skills.
i think this is one reason why teachers are so burnt out. because people like this (and generally the internet at large now) keep spitting out these stupid as fuck lines about “WE DONT NEED ALGEBRA AND PYTHAGORAS!! we need life skills classes!!! why don’t schools and teachers totally disrupt core maths skills learning and teach life skills like how high interest accounts work?!” like no. that’s a parent’s job. or even an extension project for more engaged kids thing. or even, if a kid is interested in this stuff, they’ll research it themselves. high schools don’t need to jam “life skills” into their curriculum. especially when globally, it seems, teachers are burnt the fuck out bc of low pay, bad behaviour from both kids & parents and already overloaded class planning and admin etc etc etc that goes with being a teacher.
because although i still see maths as a complete mystery tbh, i can now appreciate that it’s there in school curriculums to try to teach logic and order and systems… in a way much different to english and other artsy subjects like drama and history, that i was good at, do. but this is always ignored, bc the underlying logic of maths is also devalued as being “unnecessary and impractical” all bc no one particularly enjoys or likes algebra…. and just also conveniently forgets that you are taught money skills in maths; albeit if it is annoying…. because why the hell would you buy 70 pineapples and then split the dividends of selling those 70 pineapples amongst you and 3 of your friends??? did you buy them with a 10% discount??? what is the profit and loss of those 70 pineapples??? how do you budget and save up to buy 70 pineapples???? who knows. no one knows. except if you show your working and reasoning- which no one (and not definitely not me both now at 27 and back then) wants to do at 15 years old- let alone at 30 or 40 or whatever other age.
just yeah. i am so sick and tired of people whinging and bitching about the “we should replace pythagoras with life skills in maths!! teach me about high interest bearing accounts and how to apply for a home loan when im 15!!” when teachers are already over-burdened enough already… and if you’d just bother to find your old year 9 maths textbook from whatever year, you’d find that you did learn basic money management skills, then and there. but it went over your head, like it should have when you were 15. and like. applying for a home loan is almost null and void at this point, with how real estate and interest rates are globally (or domestically here in aus) rn. shut the fuck up and let kids be kids, vicki. and let teachers be teachers, when they’ve already got enough on their plates as is, vicki.
and also. the above doesn’t really factor in how kids would feel about so-called “life skills” classes being forced into their already jam-packed class schedules. maybe some kids would thrive in a class that gives them assessments on how to set up a bank loan for anything- a house, a car, a boat idek. or do a report how insurance premiums are set up. or what the process is for working out your superannuation (here in australia) accounts and paying your taxes.
but on the other hand, i think many kids (like 15yo me for example) would resent and hate to have another class that’s scheduled between maths and geography- or maybe gives them an extra period at school some days (eg like the catholic school i was at from years 7 to 10 did on fridays until i was halfway through year 7, i think, in 2008). no kid wants a 7 period friday. no kid wants to have a mandatory life skills class on a friday afternoon about how to file taxes and how to apply for a bank loan. when they’re already up to their eyeballs in english, history, geography, PE, religion (since i was at a religious school) and whatever other subjects they’ve got in junior years assessments and/or exams. 
and if it’s in senior years: how would it be assessed??? would they try to stuff it into a year 12 end of year exam and cause kids to have mental breakdowns all because they can’t remember the difference between CTP car insurance and regular car insurance in a HSC exam in new south wales?? or remember the correct definition of variable rate home loan??? like if i had to sit through that as a COMPULSORY exam at the end of year 12 back in 2013 i would’ve had even more of a mental breakdown than i already had back then. and it would’ve sent me into a further panic attack mode around my ATAR (uni entrance mark).
just. i think all these comments people always throw around about “they need life skills classes in schools so you learn about home loans and taxes and wages and everything Adulting™️ at school… which is FAR MORE important than pythagoras in maths or shakespeare in english and/or drama class” is really not factoring in both the capacity of teacher workloads and also kids workloads at school when EVERYTHING has to be assessed, examined AND reported on these days. it would be a nightmare.
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So I was thinking about this a lot on the drive home tonight, though, because it’s a two-hour drive and I haven’t changed my playlist in a minute so it’s very familiar (also, keeps liking to play “In Hell” as I’m driving in to work and “Hold It Together” as I’m nearing home, so that’s... not weird or eerie at all), and --
Like, obviously “Solution-oriented” and “Problem-oriented” are weird corporate phrases that make even my hair stand on end, and I’m not saying they’re not. But there’s something really awesome that happens when you stop listing off all the things you have to do tomorrow, and start thinking of what you can do right now to make that list shorter or at least make some parts of it require less steps.
My coffee will start brewing at 4 am without me doing anything! My outfit is ready to be yanked on and I have many snacks in my lunchbox already! My water bottle is filled and tucked into its pocket on my backpack, and the RF scanner I borrowed from my store to take to the other store is already in my backpack, where it can hang out comfortably until I get to go back to my real job on Thursday. All of this means I can sit for fifteen minutes tomorrow morning and sip coffee and fuck around online, and that feels amazing! I don’t have to rush too much. I can take that breather.
Did it suck to not immediately sit down and turn to a lump the moment I got home? Eh, a little, but not that much honestly. Does it feel really good now knowing I can be a lump when I’ll need it most.
Fuck yes.
Like, solution-oriented is kind of a bullshit term for it, true, and I still don’t like it. But there’s a good underlying principle. You can focus on how much crap you’ve got to put up with tomorrow. Or you can try to get rid of some of that crap right now.
I don’t know. It’s not catchy yet.
I’ll work on it.
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race & culture in fandom
For the past decade, English language fanwriting culture post the days of LiveJournal and Strikethrough has been hugely shaped by a handful of megafandoms that exploded across AO3 and tumblr – I’m talking Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Dr Who, the MCU, Harry Potter, Star Wars, BBC Sherlock – which have all been overwhelmingly white. I don’t mean in terms of the fans themselves, although whiteness also figures prominently in said fandoms: I mean that the source materials themselves feature very few POC, and the ones who are there tended to be done dirty by the creators.
Periodically, this has led POC in fandom to point out, extremely reasonably, that even where non-white characters do get central roles in various media properties, they’re often overlooked by fandom at large, such that the popular focus stays primarily on the white characters. Sometimes this happened (it was argued) because the POC characters were secondary to begin with and as such attracted less fan devotion (although this has never stopped fandoms from picking a random white gremlin from the background cast and elevating them to the status of Fave); at other times, however, there has been a clear trend of sidelining POC leads in favour of white alternatives (as per Finn, Poe and Rose Tico being edged out in Star Wars shipping by Hux, Kylo and Rey). I mention this, not to demonize individuals whose preferred ships happen to involve white characters, but to point out the collective impact these trends can have on POC in fandom spaces: it’s not bad to ship what you ship, but that doesn’t mean there’s no utility in analysing what’s popular and why through a racial lens.
All this being so, it feels increasingly salient that fanwriting culture as exists right now developed under the influence and in the shadow of these white-dominated fandoms – specifically, the taboo against criticizing or critiquing fics for any reason. Certainly, there’s a hell of a lot of value to Don’t Like, Don’t Read as a general policy, especially when it comes to the darker, kinkier side of ficwriting, and whether the context is professional or recreational, offering someone direct, unsolicited feedback on their writing style is a dick move. But on the flipside, the anti-criticism culture in fanwriting has consistently worked against fans of colour who speak out about racist tropes, fan ignorance and hurtful portrayals of living cultures. Voicing anything negative about works created for free is seen as violating a core rule of ficwriting culture – but as that culture has been foundationally shaped by white fandoms, white characters and, overwhelmingly, white ideas about what’s allowed and what isn’t, we ought to consider that all critical contexts are not created equal.
Right now, the rise of C-drama (and K-drama, and J-drama) fandoms is seeing a surge of white creators – myself included – writing fics for fandoms in which no white people exist, and where the cultural context which informs the canon is different to western norms. Which isn’t to say that no popular fandoms focused on POC have existed before now – K-pop RPF and anime fandoms, for example, have been big for a while. But with the success of The Untamed, more western fans are investing in stories whose plots, references, characterization and settings are so fundamentally rooted in real Chinese history and living Chinese culture that it’s not really possible to write around it. And yet, inevitably, too many in fandom are trying to do just that, treating respect for Chinese culture or an attempt to understand it as optional extras – because surely, fandom shouldn’t feel like work. If you’re writing something for free, on your own time, for your own pleasure, why should anyone else get to demand that you research the subject matter first?
Because it matters, is the short answer. Because race and culture are not made-up things like lightsabers and werewolves that you can alter, mock or misunderstand without the risk of hurting or marginalizing actual real people – and because, quite frankly, we already know that fandom is capable of drawing lines in the sand where it chooses. When Brony culture first reared its head (hah), the online fandom for My Little Pony – which, like the other fandoms we’re discussing here, is overwhelmingly female – was initially welcoming. It felt like progress, that so many straight men could identify with such a feminine show; a potential sign that maybe, we were finally leaving the era of mainstream hypermasculine fandom bullshit behind, at least in this one arena. And then, in pretty much the blink of an eye, things got overwhelmingly bad. Artists drawing hardcorn porn didn’t tag their works as adult, leading to those images flooding the public search results for a children’s show. Women were edged out of their own spaces. Bronies got aggressive, posting harsh, ugly criticism of artists whose gijinka interpretations of the Mane Six as humans were deemed insufficiently fuckable.
The resulting fandom conflict was deeply unpleasant, but in the end, the verdict was laid down loud and clear: if you cannot comport yourself like a decent fucking person – if your base mode of engagement within a fandom is to coopt it from the original audience and declare it newly cool only because you’re into it now; if you do not, at the very least, attempt to understand and respect the original context so as to engage appropriately (in this case, by acknowledging that the media you’re consuming was foundational to many women who were there before you and is still consumed by minors, and tagging your goddamn porn) – then the rest of fandom will treat you like a social biohazard, and rightly so.
Here’s the thing, fellow white people: when it comes to C-drama fandoms and other non-white, non-western properties? We are the Bronies.
Not, I hasten to add, in terms of toxic fuckery – though if we don’t get our collective shit together, I’m not taking that darkest timeline off the table. What I mean is that, by virtue of the whiteminding which, both consciously and unconsciously, has shaped current fan culture, particularly in terms of ficwriting conventions, we’re collectively acting as though we’re the primary audience for narratives that weren’t actually made with us in mind, being hostile dicks to Chinese and Chinese diaspora fans when they take the time to point out what we’re getting wrong. We’re bristling because we’ve conceived of ficwriting as a place wherein No Criticism Occurs without questioning how this culture, while valuable in some respects, also serves to uphold, excuse and perpetuate microaggresions and other forms of racism, lashing out or falling back on passive aggression when POC, quite understandably, talk about how they’re sick and tired of our bullshit.
An analogy: one of the most helpful and important tags on AO3 is the one for homophobia, not just because it allows readers to brace for or opt out of reading content they might find distressing, but because it lets the reader know that the writer knows what homophobia is, and is employing it deliberately. When this concept is tagged, I – like many others – often feel more able to read about it than I do when it crops up in untagged works of commercial fiction, film or TV, because I don’t have to worry that the author thinks what they’re depicting is okay. I can say definitively, “yes, the author knows this is messed up, but has elected to tell a messed up story, a fact that will be obvious to anyone who reads this,” instead of worrying that someone will see a fucked up story blind and think “oh, I guess that’s fine.” The contextual framing matters, is the point – which is why it’s so jarring and unpleasant on those rare occasions when I do stumble on a fic whose author has legitimately mistaken homophobic microaggressions for cute banter. This is why, in a ficwriting culture that otherwise aggressively dislikes criticism, the request to tag for a certain thing – while still sometimes fraught – is generally permitted: it helps everyone to have a good time and to curate their fan experience appropriately.
But when white and/or western fans fail to educate ourselves about race, culture and the history of other countries and proceed to deploy that ignorance in our writing, we’re not tagging for racism as a thing we’ve explored deliberately; we’re just being ignorant at best and hateful at worst, which means fans of colour don’t know to avoid or brace for the content of those works until they get hit in the face with microaggresions and/or outright racism. Instead, the burden is placed on them to navigate a minefield not of their creation: which fans can be trusted to write respectfully? Who, if they make an error, will listen and apologise if the error is explained? Who, if lived experience, personal translations or cultural insights are shared, can be counted on to acknowledge those contributions rather than taking sole credit? Too often, fans of colour are being made to feel like guests in their own house, while white fans act like a tone-policing HOA.
Point being: fandom and ficwriting cultures as they currently exist badly need to confront the implicit acceptance of racism and cultural bias that underlies a lot of community rules about engagement and criticism, and that needs to start with white and western fans. We don’t want to be the new Bronies, guys. We need to do better.
#race#racism#c-drama#fandom#fan wank#fandom wank#microaggresions#culture#the untamed#bronies#whiteness#ficwriting#fanwriting#cultural bias#discourse
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class 1-a hcs based on science and shit: part 1
u cant tell me any of these characters smell completely normal. or good in a way u can make candles out of them. this is my hc list and i am RUNNING with it. @emogaeness this 1's for u, my dude
Aoyama: one of the only 'normal' smelling ones. he defs uses french parfum but also he probably smells like heated metal and cheese all the time. Energy doesnt really have a smell til it interacts with gas so i think he probably just smells like however he wants to.
Mina: IM SORRY TO SAY BUT MISS MAAM IS STINKY AS HECK. mina is an acid producer and therefore smells acidic--and going by what we know of acid, she smells PUNGENT. dairy-like but also sour. BUT her body is probably evolved to be antacidic and she's a gymnast. after reading like, 2 research papers, gymansts chalk (magnesium carbonate) neutralizes acids (caus its 10.5 ph) and so i think while she does kinda smell, it wouldnt be AS bad even if she's training. its possible for her to wear perfume if she wanted, since usually they're around the 7 pH range.
Tsuyu: Oh. wet grass. and just. damp. she probably smells like marshlands or just nature in general, because thats part of camouflage. she probably also has an underlying sweet scent from venom? idk. on the normal she'd probably just smell neutral if a little musty.
Iida: ok i had to wiki this but i dont think he smells like much? he faintly smells like exhaust--but when he overuses his quirk and inevitably combusts whatever engines he uses, the chemical reaction creates sulfur which would make him smell like rotten eggs. otherwise he smells like orange juice (his choice of 'fuel'), sweat, and cologne.
Uraraka: I think she just smells like mochi lol. gravity doesnt really alter her body so i think ochako's normal--if a bit sweet bc she generally seems to like sweet stuff in canon
Ojiro: OK HES JUST GOT A WEIRD LUMP OF FLESH ON HIS BACK FOR A TAIL THO LIKE?? IDK HE SMELLS NORMAL?? maybe a bit like spray-on shampoo and deodorant, but that's it. does a third limb of pure muscle smell like anything? no? godspeed, mashirao, godspeed.
Kaminari: he smells like ozone. He's probably crazy static since he generates the electricity inside of him constantly and is canonically a terrific electricity conduit, so unlike aoyama he'd definitely smell like frying electricity. also. (minor manga spoilers) he bathes enough to be able to call midoriya stinky, so he definitely has basic hygiene. other than that i think he smells like sweaty leather bc of his hero costume and candy.
Kirishima: not quirk related but he probably just smells like sweat. and like, meat. maybe dirt. i love this boy but i'm also a sheeple bc i believe in the hc that he smells like axe body spray. and really good conditioner bc of how fucked up his hair would be by now if he wasn't taking very good care of it.
Kouda: smells like animals. like. bunnies and hamsters and birds and stuff. its not bad per se, but he definitely smells like he's constantly hanging out with the city's local rodent and avian population. other than that he probably just smells neutral/like nothing, since that's more approachable to the prey animals that he seems to favor.
Satou: baked goods and candy.
Shouji: I think Shouji is probably the most hygiene-conscious of all the kids in 1-A. Because of the amount of open/accessible body parts like eyes, nose, ears on his limbs--he probably takes very good care in showering and all that stuff to prevent random infections or just generally damaging any of his senses. Dude's chill--smells like mild soap and laundry detergent.
Jirou: Ah, not gonna lie she probably smells a bit like burnt electrical wires. She's a bit like Kaminari in terms of smell, except her's have that more 'metallic' and burning sharpness whenever she uses the stunning part of her quirk. Other than that... probably also leather because of her hero costume, or just like the inside of an instrument shop (wood, ivory, brass, etc.)
Sero: Packaging type. you know when you pull like, a large strip of tape and--? yeah? that. smells like tack. other than that, excellent hygiene! bergamot and pine or whatever.
Tokoyami: he smells like bird, but only faintly. dude mostly smells a little musty caus he probably never airs out his room. Dark shadow is described like "dark energy" which, similar to aoyama, kaminari, and jirou, probably makes the air around him smell different bc thats gas interacting with energy. Aside from that, he most likely smells neutral. (... maybe with a bit of leather and metal because thats just how his fashion probably works)
Todoroki: Sweat, but not like, a lot. He definitely doesn't smell bad after battles because steam kills bacteria like, fairly effectively, and would eliminate most foul odors. I think he'd smell like Expensive herbal soap or whatever most of the time. He doesn't seem like the type to be unhygienic.
Hagakure: ????? fuck dude she probably tries her best to smell like nothing, caus if her whole schtick is being invisible then its probably best if she just smelt like nothing. imagine being a villain and then promptly getting kicked in the nuts by a gust of wind that smells like strawberry peach.
Mineta: i cant explain it but just... warm grape juice. his... orbs. have oily/sticky like substances to act as adhesive and ill be damned before u tell me he doesn't smell like anything even remotely artificial-grape-flavoring adjacent. he also smells of like,, axe body spray but stronger.
Yaoyorozu: herbal tea on a normal day. most likely the digestive kind just because i think thats the most practical tea to have with a quirk like hers thats reliant on eating large quantities of food. other than that, i think she smells like basic weaponry-grade materials like iron, polished wood, copper, and gunpowder.
Bakugou: stinky boy. canonically, his hygiene's great but that's likely for a reason. he sweats a lot and excessively, and while his sweat is described as 'nitroglycerine-like' it doesn't mean it smells like caramel. the common description for nitroglycerine according to the brittanica encyclopedia is that it's toxic and has a 'sweet, burning taste'. the sweet scent is described as sharp at best--so while its totally okay if you wanna think of his sweat as caramel-like, i just wanted to clear up the misconception that thats what it factually is. ASSUMING his sweat still has a similar molecular makeup to nitroglycerine and has nitric dioxide, it would smell sickly sweet, if slightly neutral due to the nature of sweat itself being odorless when clean. other than that? bkg is definitely just a smelly, smelly boy. smells like sun and smoke and teenage body odor and burnt plastic.
Midoriya: SMELLY STINKY. deku sweats like, a lot. not only does ofa expend a ridiculous amount of energy and probably strains his muscles like crazy (forcing him to expel all that lactic acid in the form of sweat), but he also spends a lot of time just outside in general. science slightly aside, deku smells a lot like grass and dirt and just,,, the outdoors in general. he, like kaminari, smells very strongly of ozone (clean, chlorine-like) because of the sheer amount of energy output OfA has. Not expounding past the manga, Black Whip is described as a quirk that produces tendrils of pure black energy. This probably creates the same effect/smell as an area struck by lightning.
#oh boy tags here we go#mha headcanons#mha fluff#aoyama yuuga#ashido mina#asui tsuyu#iida tenya#uraraka ochako#ojiro mashirao#kaminari denki#kirishima eijirou#kouda kouji#shouji mezou#jirou kyouka#sero hanta#fumikage tokoyami#todoroki shouto#hagakure tooru#bakugou katsuki#midoriya izuku#momo yaoyorozu#im TIRED
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i know some of you guys will probably instinctively wince because you got caught up in gamergate during your youth and only reformed/grew out of it later... but i think many would really benefit from watching the feminist frequency tropes vs women series (yes, it's been review bombed to hell and back by anti-sjw types.)
i was a huge fan of it back in the day, watched all the videos - but unlike current discourse, which is (and i’ve also been guilty of this) hyperfocusing on the perceived flaws of a single intellectual property, it took the broader approach that we ought to be critical of just how common these tropes are.
it really helps you look at media with a bird’s eye view, if you’re new to that kind of analysis. seeing your fave there doesn’t mean they’re “bad,” it means that they’re a part of a broader pattern that maybe shouldn’t be so widespread. you can always make justifications for why a certain trope exists within the context of (your favorite media), but the point is the broader discussion, NOT individual examples.
this is part of why it’s so frustrating how many “response” videos will pause the video at a split frame showing an example to mock - trying to “disprove” problematic aspects by arguing about the very particular examples - rather than understanding it as a critique of the tropes themselves. like. guys. the point isn’t whether mario is problematic. the point is how integral damsel in distress narratives and heteronormativity are in video games right up to present day.
this, i think, is also useful when judging the "base intentions" or "base politics" of a piece of media. a huge part of what initially appealed to my feminist sensibilities about steven universe was how it avoided many of the problematic tropes that plague most animation even today.
outside of representation, it also intentionally challenged the notion of hierarchy itself, by making its "heroes" thoroughly flawed and dressing down the notion of the perfect leader. a lot of media will challenge authority, but then just install a "good" king to replace the "evil" one. SU future is super important here, as it challenges the notion of steven as the "good" diamond/leader to replace the "bad" ones. you can't just replace the leaders, you gotta dismantle that unfair hierarchy. good intentions can lead to bad outcomes when someone thinks of themselves as a hero or savior, and hence "above" others. hence, a degree of empathy for everyone in that system is key. you're not better than them, and they're not better than you.
that's also a big reason why the criticism it eventually got was so frustrating to me. there seemed to be little awareness in the fandom how it was still better and had more progressive sensibilities than 99% of the media out there. it was like they thought steven universe was the first cartoon since the 40s to ever have blind spots, rather than that being the norm.
so, yes, there is also individualistic appeal to understanding the commonality of tropes as they relate to underlying systemic issues. when (non-youtube 🙃) critics call something “progressive” or “refreshing,” it’s usually not because they have lower standards than you or can’t see the problematic nitpicks - it’s because they’re able to put it in the context of what most media is actually like. they haven’t hitched their wagon to hating or loving one piece of media. they can't; they have to look at A LOT of media.
i’m far from the first to say this, but this kind of systemic approach is also applicable to things like the bechdel test. the point was never that passing or not made an individual intellectual property “good” or “bad” - it was how. fucking. common. it was for media to center men and male perspectives. it was pointing out that most movies don’t have several female characters who are able to have dialogue about something other than men. yes, trash like showgirls passes. nobody thinks that makes it good.
~drama about individual pieces of media tends to get more clicks and views, and that is occasionally important! i’m not saying individual pieces of media or its fanbases can never be questioned or, inversely, defended (otherwise, how could i justify spending so much time defending steven universe from that big overblown hypocritical backlash?)... but it also makes me sad.
like. i’m 25. i’m not that old, but in fandom spaces i feel fucking ancient. i feel like i'm from a different time in terms of media consumption and analysis - one where me and my fellow lefties knew that all media was in some way problematic.
maybe it was just more "in your face" then, so it was easier to spot... but whatever the reason, i felt like a huge part of leftist analysis was the acknowledgment that everything, even the media you love, is a product of a broader, unfair system. just like people are shaped by that system, too - and that's "the enemy," not individuals or individual works of art (almost like SU had a point about that). the unfairness in society at large will be reflected in the products that culture creates and consumes. so intentions and caring does, actually, matter.
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Who do you think would be able to noncon and wife Lumine? Since she's been traveling worlds and stuff she's probably stronger than what we give credit for, so who do you think would be a good match for her?
Oh there's a lot of good candidates and I am a Lumine Harem Enthusiast™ and honestly everyone has their own advantages.
I mean yes Lumine is powerful, but still visibly struggles at times like the golden house fight, with Baal, etc, so I think it's fair to say she has combat experience/technique skill and elemental power but still the actual physical strength of the average female of her size, so, not too strong. Unfortunately without a vision, she can't just have her power stripped from her, but most of our boys are candidates in their own way.
She visibly struggles against Baal, so it's fair to say she's no match for an actual archon like Zhongli or Venti, probably not Xiao either. In terms of physical + elemental power she's not even close to a combative threat. Those three would have the easiest time of it. Of them, the most likely to do so would definitely be Xiao, based on some of his dialogues and birthday letter and teapot lines he's pretty direct about having some form of attachment to/affection for the traveler and just based on his personality I feel like he's the most likely to snap into yan mode, so to speak.
Side note interestingly one of the things I haven't discussed much is that like, yandere is rarely the natural state of a person, it's more like an underlying tendency/a state of mind/a "side" of a person that can be triggered or snapped into, and certain individuals are more or less likely to do so. Some have to be driven to a breaking point through a lot of stress, some just a few conditions have to be met, and then for a few it's basically their default when they experience affection or attachment. So certain characters are far more likely than others to "become yandere." Xiao is absolutely high on that scale for likeliness, would be in that last category, so yeah, the most likely of those 3.
Venti would be least likely, but he could be driven to it, and Zhongli is somewhere in the middle. All of them would be able to do so with some ease, though, and Zhongli and Xiao specifically could lock her in an abode. Not to mention they don't really die as easily as a person I think? So even if she attacks they'll probably be fine. Venti also has psychological manipulation on his side, he can probably easily gaslight her into seeing her brother as an enemy if he really tries. If all else fails, sweep her up with that burst of his and knock her out.
Any human or human adjacent would have a significantly harder time since Lumine's elemental powers cannot just be taken away so easily. If anyone can find a way to do so though, that would probably be Albedo. He's also smart enough to not make his intentions too obvious, much like with his quest - he would just perform harmless experiments he claims are for this or that reason, eventually developing a way to strip her of her power. His biggest advantage is obviously intelligence. He'd always be one step ahead of her, always predict her next move, and that's just as good of an advantage as any physical or elemental one.
So while it would be more difficult if she still has her power, the thing about Kaeya and Diluc is both of them are the kind of stubborn (Diluc) and deranged (Kaeya) enough to... Just restrain her. Arms and legs bound. At all times. Can't use your powers if you can't move. Diluc can just keep trying to be kind in his own way, because he *can* be sweet and caring when he tries, and would eventually just mindbreak/Stockholm her. Kaeya on the other hand... She's a lot more likely to end up... Permanently incapacitated. Can't escape if you can't use your limbs. For those two, the hard part would be getting her - most likely grab her while she's asleep, but once they have her and get her restrained, they're set. They're both bigger stronger men and can easily beat her in terms of pure hand to hand strength. Pyro is a rather frightening element and can be used as a projectile in Diluc's case, a burn can easily incapacitate. And if she tries to escape in the rain or cross a river she can be easily frozen too, and Kaeya's one of the least afraid to seriously hurt her to begin with. Eventually she'll become conditioned, the pain she experiences every time she tries to escape will eventually outweigh her desire to be free and find her brother, eventually she'll crack and give in to despair and give up, he can break her with time.
Childe and Scara would have it a bit easier than those two, because they have more help. The Dawn Winery maids can help Diluc sure, but they can't really contain her quite like Fatui can. She can't fight off 10 of them by herself. So even when they're not nearby, they can just have people watch her. Sure she puts up a fight, but they both kinda like that. In the end even if she escapes, they can probably manage to get her back, especially with help. For one I feel like Childe is a lot more capable when in a wide open space like the outdoors chasing her would be, in comparison to a tiny enclosed space like our fight with him.
The smaller boys would have the most difficulty. Razor and Xingqiu have the advantage of pure numbers/outnumbering her. Xingqiu has guards but in the end they're just normal guys and can't do too much. Still, when their entire force is gathered, they might be able to overpower her, especially if she's not in anemo mode and can't blow them away.
Razor has a similar thing going on -- sure, they're animals, you can blow away five wolves, but fifteen? Thirty? Fourty? She'd be able to escape eventually but the problem here would be staying escaped. Boy has no limits and inhuman levels of stubbornness and will gladly chase her across the entire map. Catch Lumine reaching Inazuma thinking she's finally safe and our boy comes emerging from the water like the cryptid he is just "found you, we go home now", he fucking swam across the ocean for that Lumine coochie and he'll do it again. Unbelievable.
Razor also has an elemental advantage. Other elements like hydro + cryo combo can freeze her if you have dual yans, but his is the only element where getting one good hit in can completely shock her into unconsciousness or paralysis.
The ones who have the hardest times would be Chongyun and Kazuha. It's just themselves, really, I doubt the Crux would be too willing to help imprison a girl, especially since Kazuha isn't in a position of power over them the way Diluc, Xingqiu, Scara and Childe have power over their forces, and they're not as insanely loyal as the wolves. Chongyun is on his own by default, maybe can enlist help from Xingqiu and his forces, but it's unlikely they'll help him all the time. Both are pretty determined, but they'd have a difficult time fighting her. It's a toss up honestly, but even if they lose one battle they can find her again and eventually win. They would both likely try to catch her by surprise, take her while she's sleeping, etc. Kazuha has no qualms restraining her, Chongyun feels bad, but he'll do it if he has to.
Bennett has the pure protection of being Bennett. Like yeah you want to find your brother but is it worth making Bennett sad? No. No it is not. I'd drop my entire journey right there bc I can't bear the thought of hurting him. He doesn't even have to restrain her, could you imagine breaking his heart you monster? No. Lumine is finished.
Dainsleif could probably manage. He has tricks up his sleeve, I guarantee it. He's been around long enough there's no way he hasn't learned how to handle a being like her, probably knows of a way to strip her of power.
Tbh? Ultimately, the best choice in terms of being able to handle her is her brother. He knows her too well. He knows exactly what her strengths and weaknesses are, he probably knows exactly how to beat her. He knows her better than anyone, and it gives him an incomparable advantage, so she's pretty much done for.
So tl;dr Lumine is fucked both figuratively and literally and should just accept her fate :)
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this is gonna sound so harsh but im legit tired of chinese diaspora people who think that bc they are of chinese descent and they have pleco they can act like voices of authority in the fandom. if modao is the 1st chinese book you have read pieces of with a dictionary, if you have never interacted with the actual chinese fandom, you are not part of the intended audience and your biased opinion is not the One And Only Valid Truth 🍵
strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree | this is really hard for me to express in terms of an agree/disagree axis lol
genuinely cannot tell if you’re trying to shade me here anon lmao 😂
this got long and rambly (of course) asldkjfslj. i would love to make the excuse that it’s bc i’ve got a migraine and had No Sleep but. let’s be real i’m always like this.
ok i’ll start with where i agree: i don’t think anyone has the right to act like an ultimate voice of authority in fandom. i think different people with different backgrounds have varying realms of expertise and they should be respected when they share that knowledge, but that the instant someone starts to use that kind of power as a weapon against people they personally don’t like, i think they forfeit that privilege. no one has the one and only valid truth about a piece of media because that’s fundamentally impossible. i have definitely interacted with diaspo who behave like their heritage gives them some kind of incontrovertible authority over everyone else, and they’re fucking insufferable and often rather cruel, even/especially towards other diaspo. meet me in the denny’s parking lot and fight me for real. i’ll kick ur ass. >:c
however, I also think it’s true that there’s a lot of dismissal of heritage fans in this fandom, if that makes sense, from both sides of the equation: non-Chinese fans ignore our cultural hangups because they’re inconvenient, and non-diaspora disdain us for being not Chinese enough. that puts a lot of us in a position of feeling disrespected just for being who we are, or having our very real knowledge and unique experience as individuals devalued because of it.
regardless of my identity, I have formally studied a lot of things: literary translation, media analysis, the politics of oppression, film critique, religious studies, philosophy, four foreign languages etc. and that is all knowledge that I had to work for, and work hard for. I do have a certain measure of authority on all of these subjects over a layperson (to varying degrees), and there are going to be times when i will be more correct than someone who disagrees with me -- but I’ve also absolutely experienced people talking over that specialized knowledge because of who I am, which is, to be clear. extremely infuriating and hurtful. like, i have cried so much about it in the last 18 months. people see my racial and cultural identity before they see anything else, which is understandable to a degree, but upsetting when it becomes the basis for how my work is judged, whether positive or negative. i don’t want you to trust me blindly because i’m abc. I want to you to trust me because you have examined my work critically and judged it to be trustworthy!
so i guess this is getting into the strongly disagree part of the answer: i’ve been speaking a lot with other diaspora fans lately, and it’s been simultaneously hugely relieving and also really saddening. relieving because oh thank god someone else Gets It, and saddening because pretty much all of us, no matter what kind of diaspo we are (north american, european, SEA, taiwanese etc), we’ve all experienced a lot of pressure in this fandom, from non-Chinese, Chinese, and other diaspora fans alike. we’re all acutely aware that we are not modao’s intended audience because being diaspora vs being “from the mainland” or whatever, are actually quite different things, but modao still feels close to home. even if it was not written FOR us it is still familiar to us.
and, because so many of us are multilingual and multicultural, we end up being the bridge between the “actual” chinese fandom and the english-speaking fandom, which is largely made up of non-chinese. (sidenote: I hate it when people say things about being “actually” any identity because it’s almost always for the exact reason you brought up: to use heritage as street cred. it’s like damn, being “actually” chinese doesn’t make ur opinions any less rank. sure you might be “actually” chinese, but do you have basic reading comprehension and literary criticism skills? no? ok then sit your ass back down) many of us are most comfortable in english! so we produce our content in english! but we also DO often have a somewhat privileged access to the culture that underlies mdzs and can explain it in a language that other non-Chinese fans can understand. so it’s not surprising that people flock to us for answers to their cultural questions. and like. if we think we know the answer, it’s natural for us to try and help. this is fandom! we’re here to have fun and find community! and it is definitely a little bit nice to have my culture treated as something desirable for once instead of just like. a weird exotic curiosity that no one really cares too deeply about. and, since a lot of us are able to do things that non-Chinese fans can’t (research in chinese, for example. ask family members for help and more information etc.) we end up just having more information to share.
I think this sometimes results in a tendency for fandom at large to put heritage/diaspo fans on pedestals and tout them as authorities (or use our conflicting viewpoints as ammunition in fandom drama) when the diaspo in question have repeatedly stated that they should not be taken as authorities on something -- and then, once you reach critical mass, your reputation starts to precede you, and I think there’s a lot of misconceptions of how a lot of diaspo act in this fandom simply because of that phenomenon. most of us know that we’re not ultimate arbiters of some kind of cultural gateway, and it can be very tiring both to be treated as such when we insist we are not, and then punished by other people who assume that we acted like we were.
i don’t think there’s a benefit in trying to keep en fandom and cn fandom totally separate, and I also think it’s unfair to consider the cn fandom the “real” fandom. i think that way lies deeper misunderstandings, gatekeeping, etc. i think we can definitely acknowledge the differences between them, but i think trying to make meaningful connections between fandom circles is really valuable! i don’t think i’ve ever made it a secret that modao is my first cmedia fandom? so it’s also the first time i’ve had reason to interact with chinese fandom, which has been super enlightening and interesting! i’ve made some super cool friends and learned a lot about how fandom works in china, how it’s similar and how it differs from the fandom i’m familiar with.
and then, kind of circling back around, there’s also a bit of a sense like, okay, so if diaspo don’t belong in the CN fandom, but we can’t talk about our own culture with some degree of confidence in EN fandom, then like..... where do we go...? if we see EN fandom doing something that contradicts our cultural knowledge, do we just. not say anything? do we not count unless we’ve already ingratiated ourselves to CN fandom? that’s probably where the core of my strong disagreement comes from, because criticism of diaspora fans as like, acting above their station so to speak, feels just like a tired continuation of the same shit we’ve had to deal with for our whole lives, being told we’re not good enough for anywhere and that we should just be quiet and keep our heads down and get over it. that our opinions, despite coming from a unique perspective with a unique relationship to the subject in question, are less valid or real than “actual” chinese people, you know? and sometimes i see that and im like lmfao just sneer at me for being jook-sing and leave then if you’re so eager to think of me as lesser.
so yeah, basically im of a few minds: true! diaspora fans don’t get to throw their weight around just because they’re diaspo. they don’t get carte blanche to act like bullies or try to shape the fandom to their own personal liking and crusade against people who disagree with them. they don’t get to pretend their heritage makes them superior to everyone else, and i think western diaspora especially need to be careful when asserting any kind of moral lens over the text to acknowledge that we have our own biases to interrogate. i am not immune.meme etc. on the other hand, this vein of criticism tends to put all diaspo in a bit of a double-bind, and also, however unintentionally, plays into the general, continuous trend of dismissing diaspora for being diaspora, and i’m really not about that. i don’t think that’s the motivation behind opinions like this, but i do think that when the basis for the argument hinges on the idea that diaspora are not “real” chinese, no matter how much I too have beef with certain diaspora fans, the argument needs to be revisited.
(ko-fi)
🍵 ((un)popular) opinions meme
#Anonymous#asks and replies#cyan gets too deep in the weeds#race#chinese diaspora#statistically average#mine#mymeta#mdzs#ummmmm#politics#??#opinions meme#ask meme
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I had too many feelings after yesterday’s episode. So, here. Have an angsty snippet of angst.
Everything Is Fine
It’s not the loss of light that bothers him, or even the whole station living on top of each other for days on end. It’s the unending heat. Constantly sticky, constantly sweating, constantly too much. But he wants to set a good example for his newfound probie protégé, so he does what he does best. He wears a smile and keeps track of what he can control and shows the world that he’s fine.
Everything is fine.
Except that nothing is.
The blackout, the power outages, the zoo escapees, the sad food, the lack of his own cellphone — that he can handle. All things considered, they’re nothing really. Especially after last year. It’ll be over eventually. Those aren’t the things that keep gnawing at his insides and flooding him with worry and visions of a hospital ICU.
Every time he closes his eyes. Eddie is pale, intubated, unconscious, fighting for his life.
What if his heart is broken? What if the extreme hypovolemic shock and blood loss and trauma to his body weakened his heart? What if there’s residual damage? What if he had some kind of underlying condition that was aggravated when he nearly died four months ago? What if he suffers an attack or his heart starts failing and they can’t get him to a hospital this time?
There is no chance in any sort of hell that Buck will just drop it and move on.
He knows Eddie’s been carefully avoiding him the past few days. Not enough to be obvious. Not enough to make it seem like it’s anything out of the ordinary. To anyone else that is. He still smiles when they’re near each other and sits beside Buck when they eat like they always do.
He’s just not talking. About anything more than work.
And after something clearly happened when his girlfriend stopped by with salad and Christopher, Buck is done. He’s done. It’s not okay. He’s not ready to be a single parent. He’s not ready to watch Eddie crash and slip away from them. Everything around them is sweltering, suffocating, and he can’t bear to watch Eddie stop breathing.
So, no. He’s not going to give up. Ever.
He’s also not sure what to do with the revelation that Eddie is having panic attacks so intense and visceral that 1) he has to see a cardiologist and 2) are over the thought of his long term relationship becoming serious.
Eddie and Ana are supposed to be great. They��re supposed to be doing well together. Eddie is supposed to be happy. He has to be because if he’s not then all of this is so much worse than Buck ever could have imagined.
He’d been working on his relationship with his parents. He’d upgraded himself, turned a page, started a new phase. He’d been thinking about the future he wanted.
Dr. Copeland told him to make a list — they could be goals, they could be dreams, it didn’t matter how far-fetched or ridiculous they seemed. She told him it was good to figure out what he wants his life to be and what he wants out of it. It would help him take steps toward those things.
He knew it wasn’t possible. He knew it was a future he could never have. But it was a dream that existed, okay?
When he looks at the smile on Christopher’s face, when he thinks of the way Christopher turns to him for help, when he feels the way Christopher hugs him and melts because he’s safe and loved and happy when Buck holds him.
When he thinks of his own safe person, of reassurance, of compatibility, of comfort, of happiness, there’s no one he can picture but Eddie.
He can’t imagine a future without them. He doesn’t want a life without them.
But he can only have so much. He knows that. It’s fine. Everything is. He just filled his nights off with an endless string of first dates that went nowhere instead of playing video games and watching movies and cooking dinner with his favorite people.
He didn’t think about being replaced. He’s not a Diaz and never will be. He wouldn’t be missed. He had plenty of things to do on his own. If a lot of them turned out to be listening to Albert talk about the people he’d met while out clubbing and the ones he’d kissed or wanted to kiss, it was Buck’s fault for asking what he was up to.
His loft was so quiet without roommates. Too quiet. When Albert was gone. When everyone was gone.
But it was supposed to be worth it. Because Eddie was supposed to be happy.
How the fuck can he stay with someone, knowing she is probably in love with him by now, when he knows he’s not in love with her? When he knows the thought of being with her and having a future together is something that literally, physically hurts him?
How can it be enough? How can he live through giving up time with Chris? Time with Eddie? If this is what he gave that up for?
He stepped back. He made room because Eddie wanted someone and should have someone, and Buck knows there’s nothing on the future list for the two of them as anything more than what they already are.
And that’s fine. He can live with that, too. As long as they still have each other in some way, as long as Eddie is alive, as long as Christopher is still somewhat his, Buck can accept it.
But not like this. Not when Eddie is miserable and hurting himself and hurting someone who probably loves him. It’s not fair to any of them.
“I have been Ana,” he says before he can ever rein in depth and layers of unrequited love. Maybe it’s not fair, but neither is holding on while you have one foot out the door or your whole entire self on another continent.
Abby let him love her. She knew Buck loved her, wanted her, wanted to be with her. If she’d asked, he might have even followed her. But she didn’t ask and didn’t want him in return. Didn’t even tell him. In the end, he’d fallen in love with a ghost. A shadow. She confessed she wasn’t herself with him, and he wanted to say he didn’t know and couldn’t feel it. But he could.
He’s not sure anymore if he’s ever known what it’s like to be loved by someone in that way.
It hurts worse than the truth. The uncertainty, the knowing but having no confirmation, the suspicion and doubt. It breeds insecurity and jealousy and he already lacks in the department of self worth.
If Eddie asked, there’s no question, no limit to what he’d give.
But he won’t ask. He wants to stick it out and hurt every single one of them.
So, Buck leaves him to contemplate while he goes outside in the roasting sun. It’s too much. Too much heat and not enough relief. Too much always, always pulsing in his chest. The air smells and tastes even more toxic. Metallic, noxious pollution hovering within everything.
It’s not fine. He doesn’t know how Eddie can be okay with it.
#buddie#911 spoilers#911 5x02#buck x eddie#idk I just had a lot of feelings#hopefully there will be more so I can continue this and give it a happy ending#jenwyn fic#elvensorceress#everything is fine#oh this is the bad place
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Casting Thoughts
Yes, I did a long post when the rumours first dropped but hey now it’s confirmed plus we have characters descriptions, and I’m bored so let’s do this all over again people. Under the cut because it got long
Sisi Stringer as Rose Hathaway
I said this in my other post but I’m pretty happy with Sisi as Rose.
Visually I think she’s a great fit, I love that they casted a WoC in the main role, and I think if she can bring Rose’s humour and sarcasm to the role, she’s going to do great.
The character description mentions Rose being “fiery and outspoken”, happy to jump into the action, and the strongest fighter in her class but struggling to toe the line, which is all very Rose-esque, especially in the first book. It sounds to me like they have a good grasp on her character.
I’m a little disappointed we didn’t hear more about Rose as a character since she is the lead - it felt like the descriptions for Lissa and Dimitri both gave us a little more to go on - but it is only a very preliminary description so I’m happy to wait for more.
Daniela Nieves as Lissa Dragomir
Daniele is another one who I was happy with straight away.
She’s probably not what I imagined for Lissa visually but that’s not a bad thing either; I will be interested to see if they dye her hair a lighter colour (like a caramel-blonde) but personally that’s not something I need to see for her to be a great fit for Lissa.
I think she has a very sweet face which works well for a character like Lissa but I think she’s also going to be able to stand up in Lissa’s more fiercer moments which is nice to see as well.
The character descriptions mentions her as being “carefree and kind-hearted” who “coasts” through life until a death in the family thrusts her into a new role. That sounds a lot like pre-series Lissa so I wonder if we’re going to see a bit of that in the show before Andre (and her parents??) die and see that change.
It’s curious though that she’s described as the younger sister of the heir apparent - which would be Andre - so it sounds like they’ve changed it so Andre was supposed to be King. Obviously a deviation from the books but I don’t hate it? I don’t think it would change Lissa’s arc all that much because obviously she was always going to grow up to be an influential royal figure, this just slightly changes the dynamics of it.
The description also specifically mentions that she’s uninterested in “political machinations” and the “hypocrisy of the moroi royal society” which sounds very accurate to book!lissa as well.
All in all I’m very happy with what they’re doing with Lissa.
Keiron Moore as Dimitri Belikov
This is one who’s really grown on me since the rumoured cast list started circulating. At first I was kind of eh about him but I can really see him as Dimitri now.
I will be curious to see if he grows out his hair or not though.
As far as I know Keiron is not Russian, there’s not a lot about him online, but there’s some instagram activity on his account linking him to UK based companies so that would be my guess as to where he’s from. They’ve kept Dimitri’s incredibly Russian name so I guess we’re to assume Keiron might be doing an accent and they’re keeping Dimitri’s backstory relatively the same? I’m not gonna be super mad if they change it just because I think it’s doable for him not to be Russian (I know, I know a whole book is set in Russia but lbr here they could make him from anywhere and just send Rose there in that book).
The biggest thing for me will be his chemistry with Sisi, Danila and Zoey had great chemistry (imo anyway) which saved the move a little for me, so it’ll be important that Sisi and Keiron do as well. They’ve interacted a few times online which is cute so I’m hoping they were able to do some chemistry reads and that will translate on screen.
The character description mentions Dimitri as being “lethal, disciplined, discreet, and totally committed” as well as living by “a deep moral code” but with more going on “beneath his stoic, watchful surface” which sounds exactly like book!Dimitri to me.
They don’t really specify what his role at St Vlad’s is going to be but they do mention that he is a guardian so I’m assuming they’re keeping some sort of age gap between him and Rose. They also don’t mention anything about their relationship in the description, be it student/teacher, platonic, romantic, whatever, but they do say he has “an expansive spirit that could threaten to expose the underlying tension between his sense of what’s right and his formal duty to the Moroi.” which seems like a nod to their relationship.
Andre Dae-Kim as Christian Ozera
This was one of my favourite casting choices from the original rumoured cast list and I still love it.
The idea of a non-white Christian makes a lot of sense to me and I think Andre could do a great job of Christian’s aloofness (in the first book) as well as his sarcasm and growing confidence across the other books.
His character description confuses me a bit though: “Intelligent and thoughtful, Christian is the pariah of the school and royal court, due to his parents’ unforgivable societal sins.” sounds accurate enough to the book (although idk if thoughtful is quite the word I’d use for Christian - maybe they mean it in the sense that he’s quiet and keeps to himself?).
Even “Well-read and hungry for knowledge” doesn’t sound that far off, idk if he was *that* particularly studious in the books, but it doesn’t necessarily not make sense either you know?
But “he searches for faith-based answers and discovers a kindred spirit who is also looking for the truth” ??? My cynical, irreverent asshole Christian is now a man of faith? I’m assuming Lissa is the “kindred spirit” (again weird word choice but maybe they mean she’s feeling lost because of the death of her family?) but I just cannot see Christian as being particularly religious.
I’m trying to keep an open mind about these changes because you never know they might play out totally different on screen, but I really hope they didn’t make these changes, particularly that Christian is studious and religious, just because they cast an Asian actor as him (because they feel a little like Asian stereotypes).
J August Richards as Victor Dashkov
This is one that didn’t appear on the original rumoured cast list (as far as I saw) and it’s so different to his description in the books that I kind of don’t have an opinion about it as a casting choice.
I’ve never seen him in anything before so purely on a visual level I think he could be a great fit for Victor, I just think it’ll really come down to how he plays it.
As for this character description: “Victor is a Moroi noble vampire with a heart of gold who’s highly regarded for his role as advisor and political strategist to Moroi dignitaries.” as well as mentioning that he has intelligence and influence, sounds pretty accurate to the book. Obviously if Andre was the heir to the throne, Victor had to be shifted out of that role, but I think his book 1 arc could still work if they wanted it to.
The “heart of gold” bit obviously made me chuckle and I really hope they threw it in there as a kind of decoy to throw non-book-readers off the fact that he’s actually the villain in book 1/s1.
As for giving him a husband and two daughters, my thoughts are: why the fuck not? He didn’t have a love interest in the original books and I’m always down for more lgbtq+ rep. My only concern is it maybe playing into the trope of evil/villain characters being queer-coded. And as for having two daughters, well as long as one of them is Natalie I don’t mind.
Anita-Joy Uwajeh as Tatiana Vogel
Okay this is the most bizarre one imo, not because of the casting, but just the character description.
I mean “Tatiana is a Moroi vampire and political underdog who slowly takes the royal court by storm. Motivated by love and a sense of justice, Tatiana has a unique skill of making herself seem of no consequence until we realize much too late that she was always the one to watch.” sounds extremely Tasha Ozera to me, so like why not just make this character Tasha? Nothing about this sounds like Tatiana, and Tatiana wasn’t even a Vogel anyway (well Vogel wasn’t even one of the 12 royal families), she was an Ivashkov.
In terms of Anita-Joy herself, well I mean we don’t really have a character to compare her to, is she supposed to be more like Tasha or Tatiana? She looks fairly young, so my guess is actually on Tasha, but we’ll have to wait to see I guess.
Mia McKenna-Bruce as Mia Karp
This is another one that I was instantly a fan of.
I was so not a fan of Mia’s casting in the movie (I can’t even remember who played her tbh but I really didn’t like it) so this Mia is a lot closer to how I imagine her.
I think she’ll be able to carry Mia’s transformation from bratty social-climber to badass fighter really well.
The character description is interesting though. “Witty, cutting, and just the right kind of ruthless when necessary, non-Royal Mia has a long-term plan to social climb her way into the ranks of royalty, with all the privilege and freedom that entails.” sound pretty bang on to Mia in the first book.
“A plan complicated by her instant chemistry with Meredith, a Guardian-in-training, as Mia struggles to reconcile her attraction to Meredith with her lowly status.” is an obvious deviation though, and one I kind of love??? Give me all the queer rep, and if we get to see Mia confront the issue of comp-het I’m so here for it.
It’s kind of funny though because I’ve seen theories that Meredith is a replacement for Eddie and Mia/Eddie has always been my sort of rarepair ship.
The last name Karp is weird af though. Is she supposed to be Sonya’s daughter? And if that’s the case I wonder if we’re going to actually see Sonya turn Strigoi in the show’s first season or something and that triggers the change in Mia? Interesting concept but I’m not sure how the timeline will work.
Rhian Blundell as Meredith
So this is another new one, and tbh I hadn’t given Meredith *that* much though in the past but she’s probably close to how I would have pictured her which is cool.
The elephant in the room with this casting is that Meredith’s role in the books was relatively minor - she was just kind of that character that got brought up whenever R.M needed a dhampir who wasn’t Rose/Dimitri/Mason/Eddie. So clearly she’s going to have a bigger role in the tv show which I don’t mind but I do wonder if we’re going to lose a character - probably Eddie lbr - in order to have her. They haven’t casted an Eddie yet as far as we know, but I have seen it pointed out that Eddie’s role in book 1 was pretty small so maybe they just aren’t announcing it. But there’s also the possibility that maybe Meredith will sort of replace Eddie and be the third part of Rose and Mason’s friendship.
I’m very interested by this part of her character description though, “She has little patience for Rose’s volatility or Mia’s elitism, and regularly calls both of them out.”
Jonetta Kaiser as Sonya Karp
I don’t necessarily dislike Jonetta as Sonya but I am confused by this choice. She looks fairly young, which tbf Sonya was young-ish I guess, but if Mia is supposed to be her daughter she doesn’t look old enough to have a teenaged daughter. So maybe Sonya and Mia are sisters? Cousins? Just have each other’s last names for no reason? I really don’t know. They also look nothing alike.
Other than that, I don’t really have an opinion about Jonetta as Sonya. Obviously looks nothing like how Sonya was described but that’s not new nor a massive concern for me.
I can’t really tell just from looking at her, and I haven’t seen her in anything, if she would play a good Sonya. I think with a lot of the characters it’s going to come down to the personality they bring to the part and the writing.
I looooooove her character description though: “Quiet, careful and decidedly odd, Sonya is not of royal bloodline and sits out on the fringe of Moroi society, preferring to spend her time in the library or her gardens. Not a person who likes a scene, nonetheless she has a quiet but profound power of her own. She is taken by surprise when a Dhampir Guardian named Mikhail shows interest in her, a relationship that will expose both the brightest and darkest parts of her heart.” It’s everything I would probably want from a description of Sonya and I’m more and more convinced that we’re going to see Sonya’s descent into madness and transformation into a Strigoi play out in maybe the first season which I am so curious how they’re going to work into the timeline.
Andrew Liner as Mason Ashford
Our last one and another one who doesn’t look remotely like his description but again? Not a surprise and not a problem for me. He looks like he could play Mason’s goofiness really well as well as be a solid contender for a love interest for Rose.
“Charming, loyal and popular, Mason is Rose’s main competition in the quest to become the No. 1 Guardian-in-training. Though their relationship is casual on her side, he is hopeful she will finally look at him and see him as something more.” His character description makes a lot of sense, maybe him being Rose’s main competition is a bit of a deviation? But I think that’s more an indication that he’s supposed to be a strong fighter which isn’t inaccurate to the books. The rest sounds great.
Other Thoughts
Descriptions of the show specifically mention friendship and classism as major themes which I am very happy to hear about because those are the two parts of VA that I love the most.
Am a little more worried about it being described as “sexy” though, if they shove a whole bunch of meaningless sex scenes in it just because it’s a YA show I’m not gonna be happy.
Seen the show compared to “Game of Thrones” and “Bridgerton” which at first had me like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck not good not good not good. But thinking about it more and trying to understand where Plec’s coming from with that description I wonder if means similar to GoT as in the cut-throat nature of the Moroi/Dhampir society cause I can kind of see that. And as for Bridgerton I wonder if she’s referring to the kind of social-climbing aspects of it, because again that makes sense and it seems like a theme she really wants to concentrate on. I hope that’s what she means by those comparisons, or that she just wants to compare it to popular shows to get people to watch it. The worst would be if she tries to throw in a lot of unnecessary sex scenes to make it like those shows, because I hate when they do that, especially when the characters are teenagers.
Interesting to hear that Plec has known about the series since before Twilight or TVD - not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Seems like it’s actually mostly (or all??) written by Marguerite MacIntyre which is interesting because I know people were worried about Julie Plec - I’ve never watched anything by either of them so I’m neutral at this point.
#wow this took me most of the day to write so i got absolutely no uni work done#oh well#worth it#vampire academy#va#va tv show#rose hathaway#dimitri belikov#lissa dragomir#mason ashford#meredith (va)#mia rinaldi#sonya karp#christian ozera#respond to this and tell me your thoughts cause i want to hear what everyone things#*thinks#keep things respectful tho guys
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Post-Moments
a ‘momentary’ follow-up ... of sorts ...
Our Moments:
Chapter 1: Five Words (post-Leonard Betts)
Chapter 2: Sidebar Nonsense (post-Memento Mori)
Chapter 3: Interim (floating somewhere around Unrequited)
Chapter 4: Max 2.0 (post-Tempus Fugit/Max)
Chapter 5: Shadowed Grey Eyes
Chapter 6: The Warmest Thing I Own
Chapter 7: Fancy Paper Napkins
Chapter 8: End of the Road (post-Redux/Redux 2)
Chapter 9: Post-Moments
@today-in-fic
&&&&&&&&&&
First thing back was her sense of smell. It took nearly a week but suddenly, as she walked, unannounced but never unwelcome into his apartment, she stopped, the look of surprise on her face made him immediately laugh, then tilt his head, “you shouldn’t be that surprised to see me here. It’s my apartment.”
Ignoring his statement, she quick-stepped his way, burying her face first in his shirt, then, pulling him to her level, into his neck, sniffing like a bloodhound on the trail of some erstwhile criminal with a bag of treats. So taken aback by the invasion, he simply stood there, letting her take several deep inhales before finally reaching for her shoulders, “you keep breathing like that and you’ll pass out.”
Twisting her head, she gave him a quick kiss, then dropped back flat-footed, forcing him to once again look down at her while she looked up, “I haven’t been able to smell you since day 12 of ‘IT’ so I’m making up for lost time.”
She’d told him, finally, after he’d repeatedly offered her tempting foods to try to coax some weight back on her bony frame, that she hadn’t been able to smell anything, and therefore, taste anything, for awhile but she’d never stated the exact day until now and standing there, already changed into jeans and a t-shirt, an epiphany of sorts smacked him hard upside the head, “what? Day 12?” Ignorant idiocy settling in, “Shit. You sat through a steak, my famous garlic mushrooms, six tubs of ice cream, and all those M&Ms I kept feeding you and you couldn’t taste a thing? The amount of money I could have saved during those months I tempted you with anything I could find while, really, it all tasted like sawdust.” Feigning irritation but failing miserably as he scooted closer, kissing her forehead, “what a crock of shit.”
“I got …” being generous for his sake, “hints of flavor.”
“Fuck, woman, we’re having a steak and ice cream orgy tonight. I’m going shopping.”
She stopped his movements with hands on arms, “hey, let me go taste something and see if that came back as well before you waste all your money on cow foods.”
Following her to his kitchen, “both things really do involve cows. That’s rather unnerving, actually.”
With a grin, she found a cookie, then, tasting it, she shook her head, “I’d save the cow for another day.”
Mulder, wondering if his earlier suggestion of Mexican for dinner was still appropriate, he decided ‘no’, then, “well, how about we taking a smelling tour of DC and eat toast for dinner?”
He got a well-deserved backhand to his chest, “we are eating at Papadapoulous’ House of Salsa tonight because you’ve been talking about that place ad nauseum all week. Get your coat.” When he didn’t move, she nodded, giving him a smile, “we can do the smelling tour after, okay?”
“Deal.”
&&&&&&&&&&&
Taste came back ten days later. Just as Mulder came out of her bathroom, about to announce that no one should go in there for 35 to 45 minutes, Scully took a sip of his ice tea and spit it right back out, soaking her shirt and the floor in front of her. Mulder forgot his comment and flew over to her, socks sliding on the polished wood floor, “what happened?”
Feeling like a complete and utter moron, she first retrieved a towel to mop both herself and the floor, then looked at her partner, “I stole some of your ice tea and I could taste it and it scared me, if you can believe it. I wasn’t expecting anything and suddenly there was something and my first reaction,” beginning to laugh at the whole situation, “I spit it out. I didn’t even think to swallow it.”
Mulder shook his head, “are you sure we’re still talking about ice tea and not dirty things?”
He could almost hear her brain suddenly shift gears, brakes squeaking, mind two steps behind, “what?”
It was his turn to laugh, pulling her into a hug, soaking wet shirt and all, “I’ll give you two minutes to think about it, then I’ll explain if necessary.”
It took almost four seconds before, “I’ve never been a spitter, Mulder.”
That worked entirely too well for him and dismissing all but his hairy-moled, make-up caked fourth-grade teacher from his mind, he held her another minute then moved back, calmed down again, “you should go change your shirt.”
“No wet t-shirt comments?” Her sassy retort told him both that she knew what her swallowing comment had done to him and what the wet t-shirt mention would. She was evil. She knew it. He knew it. He loved it.
“Just go change. Tonight, we shop for steak.”
Loving him to pieces, she reached for his elbow, playing with the sharp bent end, “so, I know we just had Mexican a few days back but now that I can taste things, I desperately want salsa and a Margarita.”
“Large?”
“The biggest one they fucking sell, pardon my French.”
Their kiss was much longer this time, Scully’s fingers firmly twirled in his shirt by the time they were done, Mulder’s hands curled around her ass, “then can I make you mushrooms this weekend?”
“Pounds of them. Extra garlic and butter,” suddenly swallowing, “yeah, we need to go eat.”
“Lead the way.”
&&&&&&&&&&
His arrival at her house that Friday night with grocery bags was, oddly, the first time her body reacted to him. They’d been making out, to use the juvenile-y appropriate term, but nothing more, Scully still recovering, Mulder still nervous about 12000 things between and surrounding them both.
But seeing him standing there, in her door, goofy smile and slipping bottle of wine in hand, she felt something. It was a fast twinge but it was familiar but surprising and her widening eyes told him something but he wasn’t sure what and he didn’t ask.
Had he asked, he may have gotten an answer that would have necessitated bringing fourth-grade teacher back … but instead, he walked in, setting bags on counter before turning, “hungry?”
For the first time in months, she appreciated the underlying double-meaning he hadn’t intended, “yes. Very much so. How long do the mushrooms take to cook?”
“At least a few hours.” Pulling things from bags, “but I bought appetizers and,” holding up several National Enquirers, “reading material. Let’s see if we can find a case somewhere in the tropics. I could use a ‘vacation’.”
Only Mulder.
Mushrooms cleaned and slow-cooking, they nibbled their way through eight different kinds of cheeses, each one a symphony to Scully’s previously deadened tongue. She may have let slip a ‘hhhmmm’ that could have possibly been interpreted as a moan by one Fox Mulder but he didn’t comment and she kept doing it.
He was glad he wore the looser jeans tonight.
They chuckled and argued in tandem while thumbing through the papers Mulder brought: telling stories, tossing theories, debunking nonsense. Finishing the first bottle of wine slowly, Mulder offered a second but Scully shook her head, “save it for dinner.”
Agreeing, he moved to stir the crockpot, then returned, towel over his shoulder, licking his fingers from the buttery sample he’d eaten in the kitchen, “They’re getting there.”
Second twinge, this one longer, had her lower abdomen contracting in a tickling giggle kind of way. The shiver up her spine caused her to visibly vibrate for a moment but Mulder, luckily or unluckily, not noticing, sat back down, returning to the ‘Owl that carried off a family of four in their camper van’ story on page 26.
What the hell.
Then again, he was licking his fingers.
The third zing when she returned to this thought was not as strong as the second but made her smile nonetheless, which Mulder actually did notice, “what?”
She pinked-up instantly, having forgotten the heat of a blush across her skin, and hands to cheeks suddenly, “just … a little too much wine.”
He moved his hand to her pulled up knee, squeezing it, “we don’t have to open the second one. It’ll keep.”
“No. No. I, uh, I, … I’m fine. I … I’m fine.”
Gibbering idiot more like it but whatever.
&&&&&&&&&&
If sex were food, Scully decided, it would be that steak. Mulder went for broke, filet and strip, buttery smooth, medium rare, warm, pink, juicy, perfect blend of garlic and butter, rosemary and pepper. Between the taste; the sight of Mulder across the table; the smell of wine and smoke; the look of him, messy-haired and smiling, relaxed three feet from her; the feel of impending summer breezes through the window, she tipped into sensory overload, eyes shutting as she tried to bring herself back to some kind of alignment.
Then, eyes still closed, she heard his voice, “hey, you. Ya’llright?”
The tinging vibration hit her full-force, arm hair standing on end, neck flushing, nipples tightening, a thousand images of him and her, himandher, flashing through her mind, driving the feeling shooting from stomach to clit to soul in speed of light, circuitous fashion, “yeah. Yeah. Just enjoying.”
Her voice was all over the damn map with those four words and Mulder, knowing her better than he knew himself, tilted his head, finally understanding exactly what was happening, “I can see that.”
Quaking quieting somewhat, she shifted in her chair, hoping to relieve some of the pressure she was feeling, pressing down on the cushion like she was seventeen and at the movie theater with her boyfriend, begging silently for him to touch her and simultaneously thinking about touching herself when she got home. Not able to look him in the eye, however, she cut another piece of her steak, praying she wouldn’t choke.
Shifting himself as well, watching her hips search for a good spot against the chair, he kept any comment to himself. He hadn’t pushed anything these last weeks, knowing she was recovering, finding herself again, situating ‘us’ and ‘we’ into a previously accepted solitary status quo of ‘I’ and ‘me’.
But, fuck, he had been tempted and tonight, seeing her like this, pushed his resolve to the breaking point. If she made one more sound in her throat, he truly believed he’d explode under the table, a quiet yet uncontrollable manifestation of four years and infinite wishes. “More wine?”
“Yes, please.”
She fought herself the rest of the meal, making stilted, dinner time conversation that they both saw through, both breathed through, both suffered through.
Dish cleanup and pajama changing quieted her down, her mind focused on other things for a little while but once they’d sat down on the couch, lights off, movie in, ice cream waiting in the freezer for later, she became acutely aware of his proximity to her. He’d offered her half the afghan, shifted the coffee table a little closer for her feet to rest on if she wanted, kissed the top of her head just as the opening credits began. She, in turn, had to keep reminding herself how to breathe evenly.
Sensory overload was kicking in again, the smell of him, his radiating heat, his voice as he contributed oft-placed comments on police procedurals happening on the TV. Her hand found its way to his thigh, fingers playing with the inside seam of his cut-off sweats. His own landed on her flannel pants, roughly same distance between allowable knee and forbidden juncture.
Her voice surprised her, “Mulder?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s your stance on third base?”
Slowly, he found the remote and paused before swinging his gaze in her direction, “Yankees or something else?”
Her inhale shuddered, “not the Yankees.”
His hand immediately slid from allowable to not-so-forbidden now, caught between viced thighs, “this third base?”
Confession tumbled from her lips, “I haven’t done anything or felt anything, really, in months and suddenly you walked in today with grocery bags and that stupid grin of yours and you smell fantastic and something kicked in and,” wiggling out of necessity to attempt to … whatever …, “I don’t recall the last time I was this …”
Mulder finished her sentence with a grin, “horny?”
“Yes!”
Somehow, he lifted her bodily onto his lap, his chest to her back, hand sliding effortlessly down the front of her pajamas, finding the sweet spot before she had time to so much as offer the feeble word of ‘bed’.
Then she didn’t care.
At all.
Focusing mainly on his fingers, warm, quick, unexperienced but willing to learn. Instead of following, she led, whispering once to move a little to the left, whispering again to go harder, arching her back as she came in under a minute, body shuddering, twitching, before settling back down.
Over her shoulder, his husky voice sounded in her ear, “can I be next?”
It took all of nine seconds to stand up, drop her clothes to the floor, order him to lift up, pull his pants off, then climb on, already wet, already slick, already taking him inside with a slip and a slide.
&&&&&&&&&&&
Her giggles made him smile, her rosy cheeks made him happy, her warm skin within lips reach made him dizzy but above all else, her panting breath against his neck made him ecstatic, knowing she was alive and well and would be for the foreseeable future. When she finally calmed down, knees digging into the couch springs, skin glued to skin, she pulled herself back, sweat running down Mulder’s chest where they had been pressed together moments earlier, “I had planned for that to be a little … less …” waving her hands around in wordless definition, “that.”
“Was perfect to me.”
Kissing him lightly, then resting forehead to his, “one day, this will all be organized and we’ll make it to the bedroom.”
Hands back on her bare ass, “highly doubt that but it’s nice to have a plan.”
Sitting back, she reached out to him, lightly running her fingers along his hairline, feather-touch making his eyes shut, “I think we should do that again later.”
About to ask why not now, he had an epiphany of sorts and looking at her, square and jokingly judging, “you want ice cream, don’t you?”
This time, her nose scrunched up when she smiled, nodding with enthusiasm, “kind of. But I promise, you’ll always beat out ice cream after today … mostly.”
Pulling her down for a kiss, he then squeezed her thighs to nudge her off him, “come on, woman. Let’s go clean up so we can have dessert.”
“I love you, Mulder.”
“You just love my Rocky Road.”
“That, too.”
#msr#Our Moments series#cancer arc#My writing#xfiles fanfic#xf fanfic#x-files#they do have their moments#thanks for all the love#you've been a great audience :)
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What is your top 5 fav ships (canon or not) in mxtx 3 novels? And why?
you don’t even have to include the “and why” there, anon, I’ll do it all on my own because I can’t shut up about my opinions.
1. Xue Yang/Xiao Xingchen. I rolled into this canon and clearly went ‘why would I devote my attention to the canon main pairing when I could go to the messy fucked up pairing to the left that occupies a tiny fraction of the narrative” and rode that train all the way down to hell, where I live now.
It just...this pairing hits so perfectly so many of my buttons all at the same time. It’s fucked up and dysfunctional and full of misery and tragedy and violence and all those good things that I love to see in a relationship. Xuexiao showed up and delivered me a delicious dinner on a platter. And then carved my heart out and ate it.
And I think one of my favorite things about it is the living on borrowed time aspect of it all. While I yearn for fix-its and will write them forever, one of the things that drew me to this pairing first was the way that it is a ticking time bomb that’s doomed from the start.
And at the same time you can see the ways in which it could have been different, if only.
One of the other things is how much it’s like. You’d think Xiao Xingchen is functional and Xue Yang is dysfunctional but you’d be wrong. They’re both dysfunctional messes of bad emotional coping mechanisms.
2. Hua Cheng/Xie Lian. I’ve talked about how these two are my favorite main pairing in the three MXTX novels that’re out so far, in large part because of the way that they feel like friends to me long before they get together. And I’m not usually a big ‘friends-to-lovers’ person, but their dynamic is just so...playful, and they so clearly like each other and respect each other and think the other person is just the coolest.
And yes, on Hua Cheng’s end of things I am still like. Please get some sense of self-worth that’s a little detached from Dianxia, please, buddy, you deserve nice things for yourself, but...I think it helps me that Xie Lian is pretty clearly, I think, on the same page. He doesn’t want worship from Hua Cheng. He wants a partnership. And that’s I think what their relationship ultimately feels like to me: a partnership.
3. Shi Qingxuan/He Xuan. I have a type of pairing and a shipping aesthetic and this one landed squarely in it with such force that I was genuinely surprised that it happened as a thing in something I was reading. Like! The betrayal! The friend who turns out to be an enemy who got attached! The contrast between them as near opposites, but prior to the Black Water arc they’re still in tune.
But yeah, I’m here for that sweet, sweet dysfunction, mostly, and the conflict between He Xuan’s desire for revenge and their attachment to Shi Qingxuan, and Shi Qingxuan’s sheltered life and relative innocence.
And did I scream in book four when the fan came back? Oh, you betcha.
I think I also have a...thing for relationships that feel unfinished. That tends to be what drives me to explore a relationship in fic, for sure - a sense that things aren’t done, that there’s more to be dealt with, more ground to cover. And this is definitely that, when it comes to where canon leaves things.
That’s always going to pull me especially in fandom terms toward getting more absorbed in a relationship and spending more time thinking about it.
4. Jiang Cheng & Wei Wuxian. Speaking of unfinished relationships! I was debating whether to put this one on there or to stick with more ‘typical’ romantic/sexual type ships, but I decided that it’s so important in my head and my feelings that it deserved a spot here. I mean, me and sibling relationships are always going to be a thing, and me and fraught sibling relationships are going to be even more of a thing, and me and sibling relationships where everyone loves each other very much but is failing at expressing it and miscommunicating/communicating past each other is going to have me lying down on the floor screaming.
So here I am! Lying down on the floor screaming.
I just...there’s so much there, in these two’s relationship. In the way that they relate to each other and the way they feel about each other. So much baggage, so many complicated intersections of insecurity and emotional damage that collide in really unfortunate ways. Issues of debt and obligation and shared loss.
It’s such a mess and if you have gathered anything from the majority of this list you may be picking up on the fact that “it’s a mess” is a #1 qualifying trait in most cases for me to pick up a ship.
5. Lan Xichen/Jin Guangyao. Speaking of “it’s a mess!” Oh boy. How does one talk about a problem like Xiyao? I feel like I don’t write much about it only because I feel like others do and better than me, whereas I look at them and just start going “ahhhhhhhhh.” at length and loudly.
But again there’s a lot of ways this aligns with other pairings of mine, both on this list and elsewhere. The mutuality of it and at the same time the underlying darkness. The genuine care set against the ways in which that care is undermined by other factors. And of course the absolute tragedy and suffering of it all.
Reader, I was doomed.
I feel kind of bad that Wangxian didn’t make it on here but it’s only because I tend to spend less active brainspace thinking about them as a pairing, though every time they are on screen doing things together then I do fall in love all over again with how much I love them.
Still weird! Still don’t know how that happened. Them and Hua Cheng/Xie Lian are very much pairing outliers for me.
#anonymous#conversating#top five meme#xuexiao#xiyao#jiang cheng#wei wuxian#beefleaf#the sad queer cultivators show#hua cheng#xie lian#tagging for my own organization sorry guys#dysfunctional gods and ghost kinks
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