idk man I just wanna be loved

The more I think about it, the more “Find Me” feels like an echo of “Ghosts.”

Allow me to explain.  In probably the most rambling and incoherent way possible, lol.  My earlier post on Twitter about Season 10 being an exercise in grief and longing really got me to thinking.  Not just thinking.  Ruminating.  

Anywho.  

Posting the rest of this beneath a cut because nobody asked for this (I swear I haven’t imbibed or ingested any illegal substances).  

It doesn’t take long for Carol to be established as an unreliable narrator in “Ghosts.”  At first it isn’t completely obvious because there’s just enough fact in the fiction that Carol’s triggered brain stirs up.  Daryl’s there and he’s concerned about her.  He’s supportive.  Both things he’d been before, especially since Henry’s death, but there are just enough elements in those chemically and grief induced hallucinations of hers that make you go--oh wait a minute.  Like she’s having a break from reality but she’s desperately grasping for that which grounds her and that’s Daryl.  

Am I making any sense here?  I feel like I’m not.  

Let me approach this from another angle.  

Following the airing of “Find Me” various people mentioned that Daryl, similarly to Carol in “Ghosts” wasn’t exactly the most reliable narrator.  That things weren’t necessarily as they seemed.  The word toxic was bandied about but other than Leah giving Daryl an ultimatum to choose her over his family and Daryl dwelling in deep, longstanding depression?  There wasn’t much else overtly deserving of that moniker. 

Argh.  I’m still not explaining myself well.  Let me just jump right in the deep end of probable delusion here.  Sometimes it’s fun to splash around, lol.   

Wouldn’t it be wild—sad AF but still wild—if Leah was already dead when Daryl met her?  

Bear with me here.   

Like Carol in “Ghosts” Daryl is obviously struggling.  He’s grief-stricken.  His brother is lost to him and after he betrayed him no less.  His close friend is mired in her own grief--she’s just lost her mate, probably recently discovered she was carrying RJ, and it wasn’t too long before that they had all lost Carl.  And that’s not even considering Carol, who’s allowed herself to be pulled away, lured by the tantalizing chance of doing things right this time.  Of rearing a child capable of surviving in the harsh world they live in.  Another thing to remember is Daryl is not that far removed from his torture at Negan’s hands.  So he’s more fragile than he’d willingly admit to anyone.  

He’s searching the woods for a man that isn’t there.  Now he’s no more aware that Rick was taken than the rest of Team Family, but he’s unwilling to give up hope and so he searches and because Rick’s not there and hasn’t been since shortly after that bridge blew up, Daryl’s doomed to always come up empty.  To always feel disappointment.  To never have his grief assuaged because as long as there’s no body in the form of a Walker, there’s still hope.  Or plausible denial.  Take your pick.  

He’s tireless in his search.  He’s methodical.  He plots out the places he’s already scoured on a hand-drawn map.  A map that just so happens to get ruined by an awful storm and Daryl seems to reach his breaking point, screaming out into the roar of that storm.  Walking through the barrage, the harsh rain and the violent lightning, unconcerned for his safety.  

Dude has a bit of a mental break.  He’s undeniably emotional.  

It’s not long after that he stumbles upon Dog.  Or, more aptly, Dog stumbles upon him.  

That puppy immediately lightens Daryl’s heavy heart and helping it find its way home gives him purpose.  He’s a tracker after all.  He could have easily traced Dog’s steps back to that cabin.  

Funny that Dog was always coming to him.  That he was roaming free in woods that were full of hidden dangers.  

I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll but that cabin looked abandoned when Daryl first discovered it.  Maybe not long abandoned, but it didn’t look inhabited by the living. And that’s the weird thing.  How did that Walker get into the cabin?  Did Leah just leave the door wide open for it?  Did she also leave the door wide open for Dog to escape?  Why was he always such an unaccompanied furry minor? 

The thoughts swirling around in my brain, lovelies.  They’re going to force me to go back and watch that fucking episode again aren’t they?

My point is that Dog essentially leads Daryl to the cabin. The Walker’s inside and then he stumbles upon Leah, who bursts onto the scene like she wants to be Sarah Connor or something. Daryl ends up in restraints and Leah questions him and ultimately lets him go and WTF, lovelies.  Who does that in the ZA?  As a woman all alone in a cabin miles from anybody else, in the company of a man she doesn’t know from Adam?  If ever there’s a time to have stranger danger...

Right from the start, this chick doesn’t really add up.

So Daryl leaves the cabin.  He resumes his search for Rick and he seems to give very little thought to this Leah or the cabin.  Until Dog finds him again.  

Strange isn’t it that he keeps stumbling back in her path around the times that Carol visits, when she draws further and further from his reach and closer to the fairytale he thinks she’s living at the Kingdom?  

Did Daryl ever go to that cabin without following Dog? I can’t remember.  The episode was beautifully shot but ultimately too painful to rewatch for my Caryl loving heart.  

Anywho.  

When Daryl and Carol come upon that cabin in the woods, Daryl’s flashbacks begin.  They’re hazy around the edges and not as clearly defined as the moments he spends with Carol.  Speaking of the moments he spends with Carol, how coincidinky that so many of them echo his moments with Leah?  Or do we have it all backwards?  Hmm?  

Things are so convoluted sometimes on this fucking show it leads one to question their sanity.  

Let me ramble out a few wild thoughts for you lovelies again and you tell me if I’ve completely lost it, lol.  

What if Dog was simply an orphaned, abandoned Dog that found Daryl in the woods?

What if Daryl followed the trail Dog had traveled in reverse and stumbled upon the cabin?  

What if the cabin was abandoned because Leah was already dead?  What if she’d taken her own life?  What if Daryl saw the cross/grave outside and the picture inside and his grief-stricken brain conjured up a whole tragic story for this woman, this Walker roaming around inside this house, and she became his coping mechanism?  You know.  Kind of like Rick did Lori when he had his own break with reality.  They’ve all suffered so much, lovelies.  They’ve all got PTSD.  It’s just manifesting in different ways.  

I mean, all of this would fit the label of sad that NR and others have given this little tale.  It would even fit toxic because Daryl let grief and loneliness swallow him for a while.  

As Carol pulls farther away from him, Leah just keeps popping up more and more.  

Daryl essentially loses himself in his own fairy tale only it’s a nightmare painted in soft colors and Leah asking him to choose is basically his own psyche saying to him “do you wanna live here in this fantasy land and numb your pain or do you want to relive the awful reality of Rick being lost and Carol slowly fading from your life day by day?”  And at first he’s like, you can’t make me make that choice because Daryl doesn’t want to give up hope, no matter how futile it seems.  But then Carol makes what she tells him might be her final visit for a while and anger leads Daryl right back to that fucking cabin and oblivion.  Back to the solitude of his tortured thoughts.  

That note, lovelies.  It felt like by choosing Leah he was choosing a lifetime of being alone more than it did him choosing the hope of a new love.  That “find me” for all the world felt like he was willing hope to find him again.  Hope in the form of love in the form of Carol.  

Listen.  I never said this would make sense, lol.  

When Daryl gets back to that cabin, Leah is gone.  Her picture is gone. 

Truly it felt like she’d never been there.  

Even more so when you consider how run down the cabin looks in present day when Daryl and Carol seek shelter in it.  

I can’t help it.  Some small part of me?  Well, it thinks that Daryl told Carol about Leah (whether she existed or not) as a way to both make her feel better than he wasn’t out there in those woods completely alone and to maybe move the needle a little bit on the nature of their own relationship.  Both in the past and present day.  

And while he and Carol are struggling through the ever-shifting nature of their feelings for each other, Daryl has climbed out of his own darkness and found hope again in Judith and RJ.  In the family he’s embraced again. In the communities.  And he’s angry and unsettled because he wants the same for Carol but she doesn’t seem to want that for herself.  

He still wants her to find hope.  

He still wants her to find him.  

He still wants her to find love and peace.  

Help me, lovelies.  These two have broken me, lol.  I promise.  I’m stone cold sober.  A little, okay a lot, tired.  

Wouldn’t it be wild, though?  If Leah really wasn’t what she seemed?  If she were a figment of a broken, lonely man’s tortured imagination?  

Undeniably sad AF but wild all the same.  

Zen + MC (perspective) with depression. hurt/comfort

TW- suicidal thought, mental illness, depression, general sadness, etc.

honestly this could be for basically any male he/him person bc zens actual name is only mentioned like… twice. so. there’s that.

he brings out the best in me

Ugh… I feel like shit.

I’ve been laying here so long… my body aches.

I should get up.

I can’t get up. I want to. I can’t. I should. I have to.

Mindlessly staring at that wall isn’t helping me.

I’m so hungry.

God, I’m fucking hopeless. If this is the rest of my life… I don’t want it.

These blankets are too hot.

My back hurts.

I’m so lonely.

I can hear the front door being unlocked. It opens and quietly closes. He’s back.

“Babe! I’m home!”

I’m not sure I want him to see me like this. But I want to see him.

“I’m in the bedroom.”

I can hear him trotting around the apartment. He’s come back with some groceries, I think. There’s a repeated rustling of paper bags, small thuds as he places items down, the sound of the refrigerator opening and closing. He’s got quiet footsteps for a rather large guy. They’re gentle and careful— everything he does is cautious but graceful. Like he’s anticipating something to go slightly wrong at any moment. He’s humming something, too. Maybe it keeps his mind off of his expectant thoughts.

He peeks into the bedroom curiously. Half his face is sort of stuffed in the crack of the doorway. “Hellooo?” He pushes the door open slowly.

“Hi,” I say back. A small smile creeps across my face

“Hi.” He’s standing in the room now. Look away! Too fucking bright! It’s like he’s the goddamn sun! It’s been gloomy in here all day and suddenly I’m sucked into his gleaming aura. His presence certainly becomes the prime focus of any setting. Seriously.

“How long have you been hanging out in here?” He asks, trying to keep the mood light.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I say, “I lost track of time. I haven’t seen the sun in a while though.”

“What? Are you serious? Have you eaten anything?”

“Um…” I can tell I’m about to lose face. “No.”

He stays standing in front of me for a moment, his face filled with worry. “Babe, are you okay? Can I make you something?”

“Yes, please.” My voice starts to crack and I can feel my eyes starting to tear up… the tears come so easy now. He walks over and kisses my forehead gently. “I’ll be right back, okay? Why don’t you try and get up? Maybe take a shower and get back on your feet?”

“I don’t think I can…”

“I want you to try.”

I stare at him, trying to signal with my facial expressions how desperate I am to not do anything. Well, he’s stubborn, too. “I’ll make you dinner but after that I want you to at least come into the living room and sit with me or something— I don’t like seeing you here all by yourself. It makes me worry.”

“You worry about everything. Worry-Wart.”

“I have every right to be a worry wart! I care about you and I hate to see you so sad.”

All I could do was pout at him.

“Cheer up babe, I’m gonna make you a 3 course meal. And take a shower! You’ll feel better. Of course I can go wi—“

“No,” I cut him off. He’s giggling a little bit.

“Of course babe, you know I was just kidding. I’ll get started on your platter of love.” He takes a dramatic bow and leaves the room. A smile creeps on my face again; he always know how to make me smile.

“And take a shower!” He calls out from the kitchen. His charm worked on me as per usual. I slowly but surely climbed out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. He was right— the shower was a great idea.

I’m dressed up in a now different set of sweatpants and sweater. My body still feels weak, but I feel a little less empty; I feel clean— literally. Like I’ve washed away a little bit of that gloominess.

Although some doom and gloom seems to have transferred over to my chef in the kitchen. He’s burnt the appetizer.

“I burnt the appetizer.”

“I can see that.”

“Everything else is still good though.”

“Thank you, Zen.”

He plated his culinary work and set it down in front of me at the table.

“Bon apétit.” Another dramatic bow. “It’s not much but I tried my best.”

“No, it’s perfect. It’s delicious.”

“Really? My platter of love is delicious?” He’s so excitable.

“Yes, absolutely magnificent. 5 stars for sure. And only the best review from a top food critic.”

“Gahh Im so happy! I’m glad. I’m happy when you’re happy… so.. are you okay?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah, I feel better now. Maybe not perfect… but I’m okay.”

He has such a wide grin, it spreads across his face and even to mine— it’s infectious.

“GOOD! That’s what I like to hear!” He stands up and steps over to my seat, giddy like a child. He plants his lips over mine and kisses me softly and I start to melt.

“Hey let’s watch that movie we were talking about earlier!” He suggests excitedly.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll make some popcorn.” I say. I’ve surprised myself again. Taking initiative for the second time in quite some time.

I’m proud of myself.

Survey #375

“why do i see her, the never-ending night  /  why do i see her, wearing nothing but the dark?”

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? I hold Rhett & Link responsible for "curing" my homophobia. I went through a phase where I shipped them like CRAZY, and they're still my "OTP," and it really made me question why I had such a disgusting belief. The switch was officially flipped when listening to their podcast with Hannah Hart, who discussed growing up as a lesbian surrounded by homophobia. Let me tell you, it felt fucking good to let that repulsive belief go. It was my former religion that tied me to it, but it could no longer be an excuse to me, even when I stayed Christian a while longer. And here I am now as a bisexual woman who wants to deck younger me dead in the face. :') Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I am TERRIFIED of driving. I'm most scared of getting in a wreck and killing somebody, something I would never. Ever. Ever. Forgive myself for. I'm also petrified of, once again, getting in a wreck and I wind up paralyzed from the neck down. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? Nothing very exciting. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Toxic masculinity for an essay in college. What is a dish you absolutely love, but hate to prepare yourself? I don't cook, so. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? New York. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? No. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because we had to get out of our former house because the growing mold problem was a health hazard (especially for Mom, given her then-recent cancer diagnosis), and our family friend newly owned this house as a part of the former resident's will. Said resident knew Mom as well and the house problems, so she wanted Tobey to help us into this house anyway. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally couldn't care less. I do it a lot. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? No; Mom just pays attention to the price. Are you currently looking for a new job? No. I don't plan to until I'm done with TMS therapy. Are any of your relatives musicians? No. Have you ever had an asthma attack? Thank goodness no. My mom has asthma and I have seen her have an attack, so I know they're terrifying. Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? There was one occasion during a psych hospital stay that my roommate had WILD anger issues. She would explode out of seemingly NOWHERE, to the point once or twice she had to be put in solitary because she would literally scream and damage shit, like throwing tables and such. She scared the piss out of me to the point I finally plucked up the courage to tell the nurses that I needed a different room. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Have you ever been hospitalized for a day or more? At psych hospitals. I think my shortest visit was just shy of a week. Have you ever had surgery? Two. Are you lonely? I'm admittedly very lonely. Are you mad at someone right now? No. Do you eat late at night? I sometimes need a small midnight or so snack because I cannoooooooot sleep when my stomach is growling. If I'm in basically any sort of discomfort, I have extreme trouble sleeping. Who do you miss? A lot of people. I miss Jason, Megan, Mini, Hannia, Emily, Journee... I don't feel like dwelling on those I've lost. Who do you admire most? Mark. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Maybe a cat. Quick, agile, stealthy, majestic, well-equipped to defend itself... sounds pretty good. Are you more artistic or mathematical? Definitely more artistic. Which supermarket do you usually shop at? Wal-Mart. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? I'm not sure, but it's been a while. Maybe around a month. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I believe I had a 3 Musketeers because I was really craving one. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? The woman who was doing my evaluation to determine if I was a good fit for TMS therapy. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? I think I might have a vague idea, but I don't really remember. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yep. It sounds cheesy, but I do mean it when I say a beautiful inside blossoms into the body itself for me personally. Does the last person you kissed have brown eyes? Yes. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? I guess you could say Girt, because I had a pretty big crush on him when I started HS. We were just friends for way too long that when we finally dated years upon years later, it felt much too weird. He really was my "brother from another mother" by that point. Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you? Aaaaand he left. :^) If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want to dye my hair pastel colors so very badly. Do you know what the Enneagram is and if so, what’s your type? INFP. Do you listen to Mayday Parade? I only know "Terrible Things," which I positively adore. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? I have an extremely hard time sleeping at night. It's honestly one reason I sometimes sleep so much during the day. Are you on a laptop, desktop or phone/iPod? A laptop. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? I've screamed into a pillow. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I dunno, maybe over three hours? What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? I have no clue. What do you think about your current relationship status? I mean I miss being in love and having someone who sees a future with me, but I know in the deepest part of me that it's wiser that I stay single until I figure some things out. Of most concern, I don't have a job or even a confident sign I'll have one soon, I'm not in school headed for a career, I don't drive, I don't cook... I'm a liability, financially and in other ways. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or even myself to go into a relationship with a heavy risk of heartbreak because I'm taking too long to get to where I want to be. I'm 25 now - if/when I get into a relationship, I want forever, and I'm not wasting time on anyone for almost inevitable failure as romantic partners. I want to AT LEAST have a steady job before I enter another relationship. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. Do you go out on dates? I have no one to go on a date with. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have and probably wouldn't, but I guess if things went very well and I was really into the person, maybe I would. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? Doing to do. Would you rather receive a stuffed animal, flowers, or chocolate? I'd really appreciate any. I think flowers are sorta overrated though honestly, like someone ripped some healthy flowers from their roots and doomed them to a quickly-approaching death, but society still has a part of me thinking "oh that's sweet." I think more than anything, I'd be crazy over a meerkat plushy. Or would expensive jewelry just be fine? You really don't have to do that for me; I don't really wear much jewelry at all anyway. Odds are you'd be wasting your money. What’s the cheesiest romantic gift you’ve ever received? I don't know. Do you like romantic poetry? Yessssssssss. Have you ever been rickrolled? I'm unsure. Do you like bologna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Have you ever had a nose bleed? Yes. Have you ever puked on a fair ride before? No, because I don't go on rides that generally induce that sort of risk. What animals have you ridden? Just ponies. What is your parents' idea of grounding you? Taking away my access to the computer. Dragons or unicorns? Dragons! Do you wish vampires existed? Uh, no. At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm going through another phase of really digging "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Have you ever been pantsed? No. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. Did you ever like Barbies? Do you currently like Barbies? I never really was, I just played with them when my little sister wanted to. I was more into playing with my dinosaurs and Pokemon and stuff. I'm not into them now, either. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what songs are "hits" right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fire, aesthetically. Have you ever been to a wild party? Nah. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? I don't own a robe. Is the last person you kissed gay? She's demisexual. What breed was the last dog you saw? She's some sort of hound mix. We think there might be dalmatian in her, too. What type of day are you having? It's been all right. I'm just REALLY not feeling this damn heat. Driving an hour and back to the TMS office in a car that has no A/C is agony. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, and I want to do it again, but this time with a nostril hoop versus a stud so the goddamn thing stays in. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? I have an incredibly strong preference for cold weather. Fuck the heat. Like just 70*F is "too hot" to me. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Do you like rain? Yes, but I don't like being caught out in it. I just like looking at and listening to it. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yep. Do you like to cuddle? If I really like you and it's not too hot, yeah. Are you shy? I'm excruciatingly shy. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Hunny, I'd do that for free. Which do you like better- zebra print or leopard print? I'm not really a fan of either particular pattern on anything but the animal. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car, but Mom has one that allows her to park in her old school's parking lot. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. My sister Misty, tho

Oh look, an anxiety attack, hadn't had one in a while... yay

It's the health anxiety again. I random, small itchy spot just popped up to my wrist out of nowhere and now I cannot go to shower and I don't know if I dare to go to sleep even. It's almost 5:30am and I have a meeting tomorrow (today) after 1pm.

I'm still in the middle of a panic attack, I'm terrified of allergy despite not being allergic to anything. I get these skin things sometimes but usually never due to anything specific. In fact I suspect that it's just my skin being very sensitive and reacting easily to things like a hair or fur or even a corner of a piece of paper pressing against my skin for a little too long. Sometimes I get these on my neck when my necklace is touching my skin a certain way (e.g. when I'm trying to sleep and don't realize the pointy part is against my skin), sometimes I get these just from my clothes and I try to think it's probably a cat fur or my own hair that's just in a position that it is sticking against my skin.

It's just. Right now I am in the alert mode. All my body hair is sticking up and I can feel my blood circulating all around in my skin, ready to fight or flee. I'm just checking out every single sensation I get in case it's not just one spot but more would appear. My skin feels itchy from everywhere. I am so, so exhausted but I am too afraid to go to sleep until I calm down enough.

Some days, life with an anxiety disorder is so exhausting. It's moments like these that feel like a reality check. Feeling like I was doing just fine and having my anxiety under control, and then there is one second like this and I feel like I'm a fool for even thinking about my future because I have anxiety. One second like this can trigger a panic attack and depending on the time of the day (usually they happen at nights because everyone's asleep and I wouldn't want to bother e.g. my parents at 5am), it can just. Mess up with everything. Cause me to fuck up my sleeping schedule because I am too afraid to sleep, so then I sleep only like 2 hours or none at all, or if I have no plans, then I'll go to sleep when I have calmed down enough and it can be anything from 6am to 1pm.

Moments like these always reminds me of how I can't have a job. I mean, what is even worse than having these panic attacks? To not be able to sleep because you are too afraid to sleep no matter how exhausted you would be, and then still having to get up in time to go to work and be there, totally exhausted, as that will also create even more anxiety because of how overwhelming everything feels when you haven't slept enough. Anxiety attacks also drain so much energy that all you want to do afterwards is sleep. Skip any plans and just sleep and rest. It's another reason why I am afraid of having to start a "real job" one day because I don't know if I can manage that. I might be doing alright most of the time and then I have just one random physical sensation and my whole world falls apart because I think I'm dying and wanna know what caused that sensation but am too afraid to try again in case it's something dangerous.

Tomorrow the meeting is with the occupational therapist. For the past few meetings we have been talking about studying and working and browsing all kinds of schools and study opportunities and have been trying to figure out what would interest and also suit me. I also mentioned that I have been thinking about if there would be anything in Germany next year that I could do for like 2-3 months before the summer so I wouldn't have to wonder where to live during that 2-3 weeks between the concerts. Maybe this panic attack is partially of that too. I just feel so exhausted because the autumn and seasonal depression (seasonal affective disorder) is approaching, I would not be on the mood for any shit like that tomorrow but I know the time will run out soon and it'd be easier to do that now than in e.g. February. Plan stuff, I mean. I don't need to do anything yet, just go through options and plan things. But you know, I just would not have that energy now.

I've been having derealization and depersonalization moments lately too. Mainly because I have been wondering my future and every time I do that, I just am hit with the reality and start to dissociate. Because it's just... so difficult to understand how big the world is. How there are other countries outside of mine. How things are happening. My small die ärzte bubble at home is so safe. Everything outside that bubble is scary. I am afraid of mental breakdowns. What would I do if I was all alone in a new country and had a mental breakdown? I could not call my mom if I can go to their place at night. There would be a few thousands of kilometers too many between the places.

I have friends in Germany, but I still don't know what would I do or where would I go. Berlin has been a dream for over 10 years but I keep being told it's impossible to find a flat from there. I don't think any of my friends live in Berlin, either. Nor that close to Berlin. So I would be all alone in a city where I don't even have friends. And all my German friends live all around the country and I just... don't think there is any point in choosing a city just because a friend lives in the city. There is no point running after friends who also have other plans and goals. I very likely would just be left alone in their town, too, if I did that and they found a future from somewhere else and moved on.

It's just. I don't know. The loneliness is awful and one of the biggest reasons for why I have been thinking about Germany is that I might find more like-minded people from there, and of course to be closer to where everything dä is happening as I could even walk to a store and find and buy an album or maybe a poster, or just a magazine with interviews. Something that never happens in my city nor even country. Still I just always have this feeling like I would have doomed to be "forever alone" - me being aroace and not looking for any kind of (romantic) partnership doesn't help much either, just creates even bigger gap between me and those who are looking for a partner and eventually will find one. I dream that I would be less lonely in Germany and that it would be the solution to all of my problems, but at the same time I'm afraid that I would be as lonely there as I am here. I guess it's partially also my own fault because I never go anywhere, but in Finland I can't much because people are so introverted that every social interaction often happens when people are surrounded by alcohol and I don't drink alcohol. Already in junior high I felt that I had no social life because everyone else's social life was revolving around alcohol and I had no desire to take a part to any of that.

Well, at least I now feel a little better after venting. Not having that much anxiety anymore, but still being a bit confused as always. Feeling like wasting my time and being too old for anything. I need friends of my age but I still feel like I was 18 and see younger people and think they are friend material and then realize they're literally 10 years younger and we do think differently. I have seen it so many times, but I just constantly forget that people in their early 20s are still so young that we're basically from different worlds at this point.

I'll continue watching youtube videos. A little bit of escapism before I decide if I am brave enough to either shower or sleep. 5-6 hours until I have to wake up.

#personal

I was invited the other day to join a community as a Creative Advisor from a survey I filled out for Adobe.  I made the choice last November to purchase Creative Cloud for an entire year at a discount.  When I worked at an art school I had all those applications free.  Anybody in the arts community will tell you that software is expensive.  I don’t necessarily feel too connected to the local arts community these days.  But being a Creative Advisor basically means I participate in focus groups and offer my opinions in writing.  It’s a not a bad way to stay active as a creator.  I bought a drone basically so I had 4k footage to mess around with in Premiere.  I am a YouTube Creator by definition.  Yesterday after posting a video of the stream there was another survey in the right hand corner.  I cautiously opened it and read through it.  It was an inclusion survey.  YouTube wanted information to help with their community.  The first question was what race I identify as.  I can’t really argue I’m not white.  The next question was if I identified as part of the LGBTQ community.  I don’t so I answered no.  The third question was what gender I identified as.  I said male because I’m cis.  I completed the survey and went on about my business.  A few minutes later another popup asked me how satisfied I was with the YouTube community after all this.  I answered Very Satisfied and closed the window.  I’m also part of a larger community here in Chicago.  This can be drilled down so far that you can find yourself standing in a lonely circle with a thousand fingers pointed back at you.  My immediate neighbors identify.  I wouldn’t know what specifically or why so I don’t ever really pry.  I live on a pretty diverse property when it comes to tenants.  That expands into a pretty diverse neighborhood with a pretty diverse set of issues when it comes to power sharing.  I live the mad max sort of mentality these days.  Think more Fury Road than Road Warrior.  Where he helps out then silently fades away to focus on his own car wreck of a life.  One winter while shoveling snow I discovered somebody had written something in front of one of my neighbor’s doorstep.  It said “gay people live here.”  I processed it, shrugged and shoveled it away.  I couldn’t tell if my landlord was supposed to discover it, if my neighbors actually wrote it, or if it was somebody being hateful.  I made a judgement call on the account of safety and made a mental note of it then made it disappear.  I cared enough to think about it no matter how much this entire process exhausts me.  People join communities for connection.  People seek out authentic communities for safety, pride and respect.  And people in America should be able to do this freely without being exploited, judged, watched, or compared.  Communities overlap and the geopolitics therein get a little tricky.  When you live in a city with so many different influences, cultures, and hang ups the fog of the ideological war muddles up everyone’s intentions.  I think we retreat to the sanctity of our own communities because they understand the narrative and context best.  I’ve been welcomed into many communities that aren’t my own.  But my circle is pretty small these days.  Mostly because for all the care and attention I apply to the concept of community, I’m often left out to fend for myself here in my bachelor Castle of Doom.  Communities do consolidate power for better or for worse.  Just like rich people hoard money and dodge taxes.  Communities have their own cultural queues and signifiers.  Communities in America have increasingly become more like tribes in the economic desert.  Impenetrable communes at war with myopic definitions and hidden rules that are meant to keep people out for resource sake.  So much so that the Road Warrior doesn’t seem like science fiction to me from personal experience.  

It was the great poet Lord Humungus who may have set it best.  Just walk away.  Safe passage in the wasteland they said.  Be your own boss.  Own your sexuality and answer for your horny crimes.  Shit, I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to where I belong in all of this.  For me things have become equally obfuscated and easy to understand at the same time.  I’m more of an anarchist these days than I would like to admit.  I don’t really want to be on Tucker Carlson’s radar.  Simply because everyone is looking for something to label you as so they can pass an easier judgement on you.  People want you to identify so they can fit you into whatever conversational hole they wish to project at you.  I run into my neighbors all the time.  I treat people like people.  Simply because I’ve been treated enough like shit to know I don’t want anyone else to experience that.  I don’t really want revenge.  I want all this nonsense to stop getting in the way of my pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.  And the constant arguing and debate team every step of the way is troubling.  It’s people with a beaten down sense of self confidence proving themselves in the arena of mob rule.  For all the chest beating online on twitter or facebook people are kind of shook in the streets.  It is a winner take all mentality.  And even the more valid sides of the fight have taken to dirty tactics leaving some of us in the middle of an absolute shit show.  Par for the course if you ask me.  There are plenty of opportunities to be the hero these days.  Not many to be acknowledged as one.  You can be you and still support people that think differently.  I had a dream about guns last night.  I don’t own a gun.  That’s not the right choice for a person like me.  It doesn’t mean I can make a sweeping generalization for the rest of America.  Neither do I actually care to.  I’m cis.  I don’t spend my time psychoanalyzing or judging gender or sexuality other than my own biases towards it.  This is to treat people better and learn respectful communication.  Communication is a two way street.  And some communication is blocked, obfuscated or hidden for it’s own protection.  It can also be self serving.  Some of my closest friends are behind infinite onion layers of identities.  Layers of firewalls that I pirouette through like a whirling dervish just to show I still care deeply.  We take the time to show love.  We take the time to understand the obstacles.  And we have patience to understand that we have to sacrifice things sometimes for the sake of change.  Make no mistake the way I see things on my own is fucked.  I am part of a community here on Tumblr.  A much wider community.  There are times when I don’t fit in.  When it’s not about me or you or whoever behind the screen.  It’s what we connect to and how we learn to respect each other as human beings first.  Not as names.  Or fame.  Who we really are behind all of this doesn’t really matter as much as the content and ideas we share.  Community has it’s own memory and it’s own duty to hold things sacred.  Some larger communities do a totally shitty job of understanding the needs of their ideological neighbors.  And passion, pride, and lack of patience can burn bridges more quickly than building them.  There are times when you realize you are part of a community that doesn’t honor your identity at the core.  Sometimes it’s worse.  You find you aren’t welcome in a community for whatever reason.  If you are an abuser this is a safety issue and not really up for argument or discussion.  But sometimes its far less deserving.  And it’s a game of musical chairs to understand where you fit in and where you aren’t welcome.  For me I’m part Swedish and also a minimalist in nature.  Just look at Ikea and my habit of rearranging furniture.  I grew more inward this year in terms of who I trust.  Now it’s just me and a small percentage of screen names that might be owned by the same person or people.  I identify them as my closest friends.  

The thing about community I’ve learned over the years is that it can always be infiltrated.  Trust can always be broken.  We find we don’t belong to the bigger picture because motives are out of place.  We long to just be normal and accepted for that.  It’s exhausting to have to identify every time you walk out the door.  I identify as human.  Mostly I identify as Tim.  Freedom in America is best summed up by a quote by my favorite person in the world.  She’s from China.  She said once she loved New York because it was the only place where she felt free to cry in public without anybody prying into why.  I’m paraphrasing.  But that shit has stuck with me like a knife for years.  That isn’t what America is about right now.  It’s almost like it’s looking for victims.  Looking for signs of weakness to trick into a confidence game.  It’s a setup on every corner.  A prank waiting to happen.  A constant obstacle to your main quest.  And this isn’t what America is about.  At least not the way I live it.  I don’t think I solve the situation with more policing.  I don’t think I solve it by doing anything other than continuing to live free. The challenge here in America is constantly evolving as it is around the world.  America’s idea of free isn’t always well thought out.  It’s riddled with paradoxes.  And yet this is all I really have.  I’ve seen enough people stalking me in the streets with shirts emblazoned with messages.  Freedom isn’t free.  Penetrate the world.  Blue lives matter.  Make seven up yours.  I’ve made statements too and found myself more and more alone.  And then I’ve started to realize geographically what’s worth fighting for.  I’m tied to an address.  That’s the address where the government sends my ballots and rejects my state taxes at.  That’s the address where the utilities are in my name and I pay my rent on time.  Sometimes even a month ahead.  I’m fiscally responsible for once in my life.  I’ve conquered years of societal glue that held me to mediocre and half assed standards.  I’m a diamond in the rough except I’m not really all the rough.  I’ve stood up for people who aren’t like me so much that I feel more isolated and weird every day.  And I learn that sometimes it’s better to shy away from places where you aren’t welcome than to make a scene.  I am stuck in my little hole here.  If the answer were getting out there and networking, I’d ask people to look at my passport.  It’s not good enough for the state to acknowledge as proof of my identity.  But I spent a lot of money going back and forth to Asia trying to do just that.  And I paid off all that debt awhile ago.  I know the world is bigger than me.  And I believe sometimes people think they’ve travelled the world in their computer.  They’re the authority on everything.  And here is the problem with freedom in America.  The authority isn’t always right.  This is why we seek out communities.  For democracy.  For peer review.  To have our narrative understood and respected.  And we need communities to be more about democracy and less about autocratic reactions to a zero sum game.  I think it’s okay to not be part of something you don’t belong.  And I also think it’s okay to respect people’s wishes to seek out where they do.  But we have to learn to live together in America despite of this.  And well this would require us as Americans to really look the beast in the eye.  And doing that alone is scary.  I should know.  I do it every day.  So much so that I’m literally not fucking around with much of anything other than what’s easy enough to read.  Even when it’s easy to read it doesn’t mean it’s done in earnest.  I can only really worry about the things I hold intimate and secret.  The creative culture I’ve salvaged with my bare hands.  I really don’t care if you don’t get who I am.  But I want you to know I care about the world being free.  At least for the people I care about.  If you ever catch yourself crying in public just remember I’m right there over your shoulder cheering you on.  I’ll fight for your right to cry about it and scare off anybody who interferes.  That’s just who I am and nobody will know or even acknowledge me by name.  Sometimes I do feel like a ghost.  I’m not trying to walk through walls people set up for protection.  But I will break down the barriers people put up to keep us from living together.  <3 Tim

From This Life To The Next

#SL - From This Life To The Next

Written by @DamagedBrother and @OfFeatherNFang 

*~*~*~*

Zsadist: 

This was it. Today was the day that I was going to be officially mated to my angel. I still couldn’t believe it. Like somehow, this was all a dream that I was going to sadly wake up from. But it wasn’t. He was mine and would be mine until we went into the fade. 

Quietly, I slipped out of bed and left him to rest while I moved to our closet. Finding the ceremonial robes in the back as well as something special I had Vishous make for me as a gift to my male. With my arms full, I give the angel one more glance before I head out to get ready in another room. 

My head lifts to see Phury already waiting in the hallway, a huge grin on his face. “Figured I could lend a hand.” Chuckling as I made my way over to my twin, turning to watch as Rhage came up from the stairs with four donuts in his hands and one shoved in his mouth. 

“You. Go help him get ready and make sure he doesn’t sleep through it.” Hollywood flashed a bright smile that would make hundreds of women swoon. 

“You got it chief!” He replied with his mouth full, practically skipping off towards our bedroom where I just left my male. 

“Crazy.” I mutter, gazing at my Brother. “Rhage might send Malachi running for the hills.”

“The angel isn’t going anywhere, he loves you too much.” My twin replied as we made our way to one of the guest rooms on the other side of the stairs. 

“You say that, but somehow I feel like I’m gonna fuck up.” As I reached for the door, I felt his heavy hand on my shoulder. 

“Hey...He loves you, and you love him. Matings...are wonderful...and yes you will fight, but the love doesn’t go away. And if his does...so help me I will-”

I cut him off with a laugh. “Okay. Easy now. Please don’t scare him away.” Phury smiled at me as we moved inside the guest room to prepare for the ceremony. 

Mal:

I felt the soft rustle of sheets as Zsadist slipped from the bed. Half asleep, I didn’t bother trying to follow straight away, not until I heard the soft click of the door as it closed. There was a murmur of voices beyond it, and with a slow blink I opened my eyes. 

A lull, brief enough that I barely got to feel the anxious thrill as I thought of what the day held, before the door burst in and I started up. Rhage stood on the threshold, grinning around a donut then sauntering in as he shut the door.

“Rise n’ shine princess! It’s the big day! Gotta get you up and ready!”

I actually rolled my eyes and groaned as I flopped back to the sheets. I was glad my wings weren’t out, but then again, keeping them retracted seemed the better idea when I was going to have a name carved into my back. 

Zsadist’s name.

The thought earned a smile as I extracted myself from the sheets without any prompt from Rhage and rose, stretching with a yawn and a pleasant smile. Moving past the Hollywood-worthy male, I snagged a donut amidst protest, and entered the closet. Rhage followed, grinning at the robes I ran one hand down.

“Can’t believe this is actually happening for me.”

Somewhere in the manse, my mahmen was with the females, helping prepare for the day. The Brothers had no doubt set up whatever else happened in a mating ceremony, and Z had no doubt gone to get ready with Phury. My heart gave a nervous flutter as my stomach backflipped.

“Hey, you n’ Z? I’ve never seen him happier. N’ you look a lot different than the first time I saw you,” he added thoughtfully. 

Surprised at his words, I glanced back to him.

“How did I look?”

Rhage shrugged, taking a bite of his last donut. “Lonely. Cold. Real quick on the defence, y’know? Like you were used to always fighting to survive. To live. But since you’ve been here?” His smile, unfairly, could’ve stopped traffic in Times Square. “You’re lighter. All bright n’ shiny. You laugh. Did you laugh a lot before?”

The question stunned me for its accuracy. For all the talk that Rhage was a pretty face, the dude was damn insightful. Maybe Mary was rubbing off on him.

“Not really…”

A nod, a grin, and the last of the donut vanished. “Well, now you get a new family. A new life. N’ a new reason to laugh and be happy or whatever. So c’mon. Let’s do this! You need me to step out while you drop drawers or you want help arranging the robes?”

Zsadist:

I moved into the closet to slide on the ceremonial robes, while Phury changed in the bathroom. “I can’t believe this is happening…” I call out. “Like whoever thought I’d be getting mated.” Snorts.

“Oh I knew you would.” Phury chimes in. “I didn’t know when it would be, but I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

I hear shuffling around then a deep breath. Pausing as I look in the full length mirror only to see my twin standing behind me. “Well…?” I murmur as my hands smooth down the robes. 

“Perfect.” His golden eyes shine bright as he stares at me through the mirror, turning to meet his gaze. 

“Let me show you what Vishous helped me out with.” Phury perks up as I move to grab the black velvet pouch off of the bed. Slowly I pull out two twin silver daggers. They were so light that they almost looked white, and at the hilt were black wings on each side that V carved himself into the metal 

Phury’s jaw drops. “Whoa. Okay he’s going to love those, and can I get a set?” He chuckles, landing a hand on my shoulder. “They look amazing.” 

Nodding as my fingers move over the blades. “Let’s go down and make sure everything is ready, true?” My twin nods as I secure the daggers back into the bag, heading out of the guest room, and making my way down the grand staircase to find my family already waiting. 

Mal:

The robes almost remind me of the Chosen, and then of angels. Not sure why. It’s not like I ever met my father to know how he dressed, and Lassiter has clearly got to be the exception to the rule of the whole ‘angelic presence’ thing. Nothing ‘angelic’ about his presence. Staring at myself in the mirror though, I can’t help but think of the father I never met. The angel blood in my veins. 

Would he have approved of this? Would he have come? Would he care?

“You clean up nice,” Rhage complimented, slapping my shoulder in that brotherly way as he examines me in the mirror too. “Y’ready to head down? Need anything else? If you need to puke now’s the time.”

I elbowed him with a faint smirk. His words had the desired effect though; thoughts of my father faded into the background. And while I didn’t need to upchuck, my stomach definitely had a bad case of the butterflies going on.

“Fuck off. Y’know I still don’t remember half of the ceremonial stuff. I can recite a latin incantation to exorcise a demon but I can’t fucking remember how my own mating ceremony is supposed to go,” I mutter, glancing down and fiddling with the lining of the robe.

Rhage waved off my concern like it was an insect he was swatting.

“S’just nerves my man. You’ll be fine n’ everything’ll be great. You n’ Z being happy are all that matters, so if the day ends with that it was a success, right?”

My smile’s lopsided in the mirror. “Right.”

“Then let’s go!” He declared, grinning as he backed his massive frame out of the walk in and moved to the door. 

Before leaving, I moved to my weapons shelf - mine being the one that housed demonic tools in addition to Lesser fighting gear - and opened the small box I’d tucked in amongst the others. Something I knew Zsadist wouldn’t notice. 

Nestled amongst the velvet cushions inside was a pendant, the silver chain that looped through it long and pooling in the bottom of the box. The pendant itself was perfectly smooth, clear resin, and within it, in an almost gentle curve, was one of my feathers. It was small, glossy dark, and came from that sensitive spot right by my back. The spot only Zsadist got to touch. 

Swallowing a fresh hit of nerves, I closed the lid and spirited the box in amongst the robes. Then, squaring my shoulders, I followed Rhage out into the hall and downstairs, having zero idea what to expect, but ready for it anyway.

Zsadist:

I was gathered with my family in the foyer. Everyone was there, even most of the Doggen. They all had these big smiles on their faces, and I swear a few of them were crying. Like yeah, the big bad scarred one is getting mated. As if this day would never come.

Though honestly, I never thought it would. I thought that I was doomed to spend a life by myself, and I’d accepted that long ago. But things have changed; I have changed for the better. That’s the thing about finding your other half, they make you a better person. 

“Z man, you gonna puke?” Butch chimes in and I swear I saw Fritz giving him a dirty look. 

“He does look as green as the field in Fenway Park,” Vishous replies back with a smirk. 

“Everyone shut up, and no mention of the Soxs at my mating ceremony,” I growled out, hearing both Brothers crack up. Then one throat clear from Wrath had them both silenced. At a quick glance, I saw them still smirking at me, but a heartbeat later, all amusement left their faces as their heads snapped up towards the stairs. 

And there he was. My male.

I watched with light in my eyes as he descended the grand staircase with Rhage trailing close behind. He looked so handsome in the ceremonial robes that I couldn’t wait to peel off later. Biting back a growl as they reach us, nodding off Rhage as I take Mal’s hand. 

Lassiter soon appeared beside us, asking if I would basically do anything for my mate. Which of course, I replied that I would, but I couldn’t help but get lost in Mal’s eyes. He was finally going to officially be mine. 

After Mal is asked much of the same, I tug him into my arms to share a passionate kiss with him. Trying not to get too crazy as everyone erupts with joy. The clapping dies down as I pull back to begin the carving. Tugging free the shash, the robe falls to reveal my bare chest, scars and all. I give my male one final look before I move down onto my knees. 

Wrath steps forward first with George close behind. His hand blindly reaches out until it makes contact with my back. “What is the name of your Hellren?” The King’s booming voice echoes in the foyer. 

“Malachi.” I say proudly. 

In a quick swift movement, I felt Wrath dig the tip of the dagger into my flesh to form an M in the old language. I didn’t doubt for one second that he couldn’t do it properly. Blind or not, the male still could slice up anything with a blade. 

One by one each Brother stepped forward to mark a letter, when it was finally Phury’s turn, I couldn’t help but stare into his eyes that matched my own. 

With unshed tears in his eyes he mouthed ‘I’m so proud of you’.

I nod in return, feeling him at my back to dig in the final letter. Once it was all said and done Fritz stepped forward with a pitcher of water and a bowl of salt. This was one wound that I didn’t mind scarring my flesh. 

After the water is mixed with the salt, Phury dumps the thick, briny liquid down my back. But I don’t cry out. I just accept the pain as I stare into the eyes of the one I loved, my Brothers growling in approval. 

Soon after Phury bent down and opened the lacquer box, taking out a pristine white cloth. He dried the wounds then rolled the material up and put it back inside. 

“Rise my twin.” He spoke.

Slowly I got up. Across my shoulders, in an arch of Old English letters, was the angel’s name in my skin. 

My twin handed over the box with a big smile on his face. “Take this to your Hellren as a symbol of your strength, so he will know that you are worthy of him and that your body, your heart, and your soul are now his to command.”

Slowly I turned around to face the angel and I quickly dropped to my knees, lifting the box to present it to him. “Will you take me as your own?” I asked as my eyes just stared deeply into his.

Mal:

Standing aside to watch Zsadist have my name carved first was a test of willpower. I’d never actively stood by and watched another make my mate bleed, and I swallowed every growl and every snarl that rose in my throat as the scent of his blood stained the air.

My mahmen stepped in beside me, the only female here that truly knew me, and I gratefully accepted the grip of her hand as she held on and squeezed. She was smiling though, the look on her face one that could only be described as proud and happy. Because I’d found someone that made me happy. 

Bending down, I brushed my lips to her cheek, earning a gentle pat to my chest in response. Then I was focusing on Zsadist again, watching as the blades made every line of my stupidly long name. Should’ve just gone with ‘Mal’. 

As Phury placed the clothe in the box, and Zsadist came to me, kneeling, I somehow kept my hands from trembling as I accepted it, instead of spinning him and examining the wound like I wanted. Later, I would pin him to the mattress and examine every line, every etching, to make sure he was alright.

“I take you as my own. From this life to the next,” I whisper back, my heart ‘aching’ with raw affection and love. 

As soon as he was back on his feet I stepped in, pressing my lips to his in a further affirmation of that vow. Vampires believed in the Fade, but reincarnation wasn’t out of the picture. If I didn’t get forever in the afterlife with Zsadist I would find him again, in another life, another time. I would always find him.

Managing a smile and a wink, I carefully set aside the box and unfastened my own robes to reveal my back. Glancing amongst the Brothers, I then took a knee, sensing as Wrath approached again. His voice rang with approval. 

“What is the name of your Hellren?”

I smiled. At the word. At this moment. At what my life had become after so long being alone.

“Zsadist.”

The sharpness of the blade made the first cut almost painless, though with each additional mark, the sting deepened. I didn’t flinch though, didn’t move as one after another the Brothers approached and sliced into my flesh. The muscles that supported my wings shuddered, and I fought the need to summon them, keeping my back smooth and feather-limb free. Though the idea of a Brother accidentally touching my wing and Zsadist ‘accidentally’ flipping a table during our mating earned a small smile. 

When they finished, and the salt water etched my mate’s name forever into my skin, it was Rhage who approached with the box. I flashed him a grin, which he returned, and then I was facing Zsadist, kneeling as he had, and lifting the box to him. 

“Will you take me as your own?”

Zsadist:

Watching Mal get carved up was harder than I thought it was going to be. I mean, I knew my Brother's weren’t hurting him. This was the ceremony, but I couldn’t help the bonded male in me that wanted to tear everyone off of him. 

“Easy now…” Phury said in my ear.

I turned to meet my twin’s gaze with a raised brow. 

“I can smell your bonding scent, it’s telling me to back the fuck off right now.” He chuckled quietly, eyes shining bright as they gaze into mine before focusing on my male. “It’s almost over, enjoy this moment.” He breathed.

Slowly my head moves to gaze back at my angel on the floor. He was really doing this, becoming mine. Fuck. What did I do to deserve him? 

Suddenly I felt an unfamiliar hand at my back, causing me to stiffen. Jerking my head to the side to watch Mal’s Mahmen retreat her hand carefully. 

“I’m sorry to startle you.” She whispers. I could feel Phury’s eyes burning at the back of my skull. 

“No need. I uh...you just caught me off guard.” I grunt.

She smiles softly then murmurs. “It’s okay, big day for you two. I’m so proud and happy to have...another son.” 

I stare, dumbfounded for a moment. Another son? Me? Suddenly I felt my chest tighten, wishing somehow I got to spend more time with my real Mahmen. Clearing my throat after I realized I was taking too long to answer. 

“Of course, Elieanora,” I replied, watching as she smiled at me before we both turned our attention back to her son on the floor. 

Moments later he was up, heading over towards me with a box, just like the one I presented to him moments ago. 

“I will take you as my own, from this life to the next,” I replied calmly as I reached for the box, handing it off to my twin so I could pull my male up and into my arms. When my lips met his, a loud roar from the family filled the foyer. But I didn’t even bother to look up, I just continued to kiss the male that was officially mine. 

Soon as we break the kiss, the chanting starts, followed by a song in the old language. My angelic voice breaks through all the others in the foyer as I join in. My eyes on the angel, like he was the only one in the room, and I was singing for him. 

Mal:

My shoulders ached in a way I savoured, but nothing was better than Zsadist’s lips as he pulled me to him. The kiss seared through me, turning my blood to liquid fire as I clung to the male, /my/ male, and relished in this moment. The cacophony around us was a nice backdrop, but more than anything I wanted to taste him. Hold him. Drown in the bliss that he was mine, and I was his. 

Easing back from the kiss, my heart ached as he lifted his voice with the others, the pure melody bringing tears to the eyes of the females and rendering me utterly speechless as I watched him. He was a gift. 

As the song came to a beautiful end, I didn’t hesitate in claiming that perfect mouth again, as if I could taste the music, the melody on his tongue. There was wolf-whistling from the males and ‘awwwwwws’ from the females, and then the smell of food and delicious things that weren’t Zsadist.  

When I finally stepped back my mahmen approached, placing one hand over my heart, and the other over Z’s. The message was clear, and as she smiled up at me I finally let go of my male to sweep her into my arms. My mahmen, who’d raised me all alone, who’d found us a life and a purpose and done everything in her power to make sure I was safe. And now she blessed me, my union with this male I loved. Took him as her own. 

“Thank you,” I whispered to her, not trusting myself to let go yet, feeling the lump in my throat. “Thank you for being my mahmen.”

Her hands stroked at my back, reassuring as she laughed gently. “I don’t think either of us had a say in it,” she replied softly, “but I wouldn’t change anything. My beautiful boy. My angel.” She leaned back to cradle my face, then pressed a kiss to my brow. 

Around us, the first family and every other occupant of the house had begun to chatter and drift toward the food, celebrating with Zsadist. Elieanora nudged me.

“Did you like it? Was it how you wanted it?”

I blinked then reached for the box amongst my robes, withdrawing it with a relieved smile and a nod.

“It was perfect. Thank you.” Between my mahmen and the doggen, they’d found the right jeweller to make what I’d asked for. Looking to Zsadist, another gentle nudge was all it took for me to cross the distance, holding out the box. When his golden gaze alighted on it, my heart skipped.

“I… I wanted to get you something else. You have my name… but I wanted you to have a piece of me too. With you always.”

Zsadist:

As Mal and his Mahmen had a private moment, I took it upon myself to receive some hugs and handshakes from my Brothers. Even from afar, I saw Hadrian had joined in on this celebration. He stood off to the side with Lassiter as they shared some drinks. Raising my head as I gave him a nod, implying that I was grateful he was here and celebrating with us today. When I received one back, I turned my attention back towards my male. 

When he pulled away from Elieanora, I watched with a curious stare as he handed me a box. What in the world could he have gotten me? Slowly I open the lid. My golden eyes go wide as I see a single feather, his feather, attached to a silver chain that I could wear around my neck. 

Holy shit.

I’m speechless as I stand there gazing at it, my fingers dragging over the coated feather that I almost didn’t notice Phury nudging me. 

“Z...the daggers.” He whispers in my ear. 

“Shit, right.” I grabbed the black velvet bag from my twin and handed it off to my mate. Watching with amusement as he opened the gift I had made for him. 

“You are one of us now.” I say as he pulls the blades out and inspects them. “So you need something epic to carry when you are on rotation.” I grin.

“Yeah, and you better not lose them.” Vishous calls out from across the room.

Snorting at my Brother as I clasp the chain around my neck, dipping my head to watch the black feather rest upon my chest. I wore a part of him around my throat, his name on my back, and together we were one. 

So I reached out to grab his hand and shared one more kiss before we moved to enjoy this night filled with food, laughter, family, and friends. 

#EndSL #FromThisLifeToTheNext

Relistening to MAG013: Alone 

A few thoughts:

Season 1 is amazing and infuriating to relisten to at the same time. Looking back, so many things are just straight up said in a basic fashion, but without the information or context behind them they go WAY over your head. So listening again, you’re just YELLING and recognizing not only characters, but phrases, information that is super important even now, and in general, the Powers being super obvious in what they’re doing.

This episode is the pinnacle of that.

So, there are quite a few things going on, the Lonely and with that, the Lukases. But, since we still don’t know too much about them and in general, what Peter is you know actually doing atm, I’m gonna put a pin on that and talk about other things. Mainly: Anchors and monster Jon stuff.  

(Gonna add here: Laughing at the fact that Naomi said Evan wasn’t close to his family bc they were “religious”.  Evan took one look at his fog creating, sea family and went “You know I actually like people so uh bye~”).

Anyway, anchors. 

“I tried to back away, but the ground was slick with dew and I fell. My fingers dug into the soft cemetery dirt as I looked around desperately for anything I could use to save myself, and my hand closed upon that heavy piece of headstone. It took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor, as I slowly dragged myself away from the edge of my lonely grave.” -MAG:013

Gonna focus on the particular choice of wording. Literally, what is described as an anchor is what help pulls her out of a grave. Falling into the lonely grave with no way to get out is the full fear (something that is confirmed later on in MAG:120).

“At last he’s in the moonlit graveyard, the oldest of the dreams. It is peaceful, cool and damp as the rolling foggy fields stretch out in all directions. He hears her calling pathetically from the bottom of the graves, but by now he knows there is nothing he can do but stare. She begs to be released, to dream of this place no more, but there is nothing he can do.” -MAG:120

Okay, so that’s just one thing. Could just be creative wording used to foreshadow actual anchors later on. Sure. Except….later on, there’s the emotional anchor.

“And then, as I found myself in the middle of that open, desolate field, I heard something. It was the strangest thing, but as I tried to run I could have sworn I heard Evan’s voice call to me. He said, “Turn left”. That’s it. That’s all he said. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s what he told me to do. And I did it. I turned sharply to the left and kept running. And then… nothing.” -MAG:013

Evan, despite being…well, dead, was Naomi’s emotional anchor. Which, makes sense! He grounded her when she was alive and made sure she didn’t feel lonely. In her hour of need, he was there to be that anchor and lead her back home.

All the way back in episode 13, not only do we have a mention as an object as an anchor, but a person as well! They’re a bit different, but it does show that as early as this, one way to escape the Powers and their presence are through anchors. Whether the form is an object or a person depends on the situation. 

…But that’s not the only reason why I brought up the MAG:120 quote.

Gonna go a bit subjective here, but… this was the first episode that really started warming me up to Jon as a person. Season 1 Jon is an absolute bastard man and relistening makes him even funnier because he’s basically a toddler stumbling around and making a mess of things about things he doesn’t understand and calling himself smart for it. And he’s still a bastard this episode don’t get me wrong. He’s annoyed and snooty and sounds like he’d rather be anywhere else.

But at the beginning of the episode he’s with Naomi. He tries to give her privacy for her recording. Then she asks for him to stay, so she doesn’t feel alone. And he does.

At the time, that endeared me a bit. It’s small and it didn’t make him into a good person, but it showed there was much more to him than being an arrogant bastard man. It showed that he cared for these people who gave statements and cared for their comfort, even if he begrudgingly showed it.  

Knowing what we do now, Naomi was his first victim. By giving her statement to him, she’s now cursed by the Archivist and the Beholding to relive her trauma for the rest of her life.

All because he chose to stay. 

And he was going to leave!!! Is the worst thing!!! He was going to leave and if he left, Naomi would have been fine!!! She would have said her statement and she would have been on her way!!! But he stayed!!! Because she asked and she wanted someone there!!! He was being kind and in turn he accidentally doomed her!!!

Jon’s first moment of compassion in the series turns out to also be his first monstrous one.

It fucks me up a bit.

One last thing. In MAG:017, Elias mentions that Naomi lodged a complaint against Jon. There aren’t any specifics at all. The only details Elias says is this:

“Regardless, I would prefer that you not antagonise anyone connected to the Lukas family. They are patrons of the Institute, after all.” -MAG:017

This makes me think that the complaint wasn’t about Jon’s bastard behavior towards her. Rather, I think it may have been the nightmares. The Lukas did not care for Naomi at all. In fact, they drove her out because they pretty much blamed her for their son’s death.

“My son is in there. He is dead.”-MAG:013

The way this line is worded...it sounds like that the latter could have been avoided. While we still don’t know exactly the limitations of the monster powers, Peter has talked about living until seeing the next Lonely ritual and there’s the vague idea that The End can’t take Jon. It’s not too much of a stretch to think that the Lukases blame Naomi for Evan’s death because without her, he could have possibly been on the path of the Lonely and been unable to die. 

With all this being said, why would the Lukases CARE if Noami makes a complaint against Jon? They made is clear she wasn’t welcomed that she wasn’t a part of the family. 

..But she was their victim.

I’m thinking that Elias warned off Jon because by taking her statement he accidentally stole the Lonely’s victim and gave her to the Beholding instead. We STILL don’t know what exactly is going on between Peter and Elias, but there has to be some sort of alliance or something, and Mr. Archivist here accidentally doing monster things and messing with Elias’ allies might not help with that.

I don’t have much more to say on this episode, and I think I’ll make a few more of these as I go through the rewatch. This episode in particular though...it’s a bit haunting (no pun intended). When I first listened, I was so intrigued by this new person and hearing her words and her experiences. It was different and it showed that there was something more dynamic going on with the storytelling because instead of just Jon the narrator, we had actual people in this world living these statements. It’s weird, with how technically important this episode is, with all the rest, it’s so easy to forget about Naomi and her tale within the now literally over hundred statements made throughout the series.

It’s been said before how well TMA does mundane horror. It’s usually described with objects, or an odd neighbor, or a job you don’t think about. There’s something else to be said about this though. For the statements, there’s an expectation. If something horrible happens...well, we know. That’s the point. Later on, we can expect horrible things to happen both in meta-narrative and the statements because we’re actively engaging in both.

But...this is so early in the series. We haven’t even met any of the other main cast yet. Hell, Jon really isn’t even a full character, mostly just a personality we’ve come to be familiar with. And yet, one of the the worst decisions, probably one of the most important moments in TMA for our main character, the moment that starts his life down the road of destruction feels like almost nothing. Just… a character building moment at best. 

And if I hadn’t gone back and relistened to the series, I wouldn’t have even thought about it.

“And I wish that I could convince myself that ignorance was the same thing as safety. But then, how many weeds have you unthinkingly stepped on in your lifetime?” -MAG:106

Weeds indeed..

BNHA self insert AU [Book 3]

New? Read here! Then here!

Chapter 11: Don’t Rain on Me By Joji

Things weren’t as tense as I thought they were gonna be. I really did hurt my own feelings! As for the group punishment, Aunty Mimi didn’t fuck around and worked us until we cried. My body hurt so much that the showers I took stung.

-5 days before returning to the dorms-

I finished my shower and saw that it was just mom and I at home. She was in her office, laying on the day bed. I’ve always wondered why there was a day bed in here and why it was facing the window. But the scene was nostalgic to me, so I floated over to lay next to my mom. Just like I did when I was little. When I put my weight on the bed, she sensed me and put her arms around me.

“How was your training mijo?” she asked softly.

“It was rough, she had us pull a semi-truck up a hill without quirks” I groaned “luckily it was just the truck part and not with the cargo part.”

“She’s going soft on you guys” she chuckled, pulling me in closer “at least it’s not wilderness training.”

“Heh yea” I looked up to see her calm face, eyes closed but awake and gently running her hand through my curly hair. It made me wonder if I really do share an image with her, am I going to look like this when I get older? If I grew out my hair, will I look more like her? The only way to tell us part are the tattoos on her torso... hmmm, that makes me wonder about her what her high school file said about her. “Hey mom.”

“Yes mijo?”

“Can you tell me about your tattoos?” I asked as I poked her shoulder blades “The two skulls on your shoulder?”

“Oh these ones?” she asked as she pulled down her wide neck long sleeve from the top, exposing the two tattoos “I got them before I came to Japan.”

“Why? What do they mean?”

She pointed to the one on her left “I got this one before I left home, it represents my culture. So I never forget where I came from.” She pointed to the one on the right shoulder “This one I got in Austria, where I did my basic training before going to my final destination. It represents the death of my old life, to remind myself that things will never be the same and that I have to mourn and move on at some point. To move forward with my new life but never forget those memories.”

I traced the one on the left with my finger, it was a sugar skull “Was it hard leaving home and everyone behind?”

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it because I loved my family and I didn’t want them to get hurt over my doing. My life was going well for me before, I even had a long term boyfriend” she chuckled and blushed “I planned to marry him when we turned 18 and live the rest of my short life with him, start a family after I finished college and see where things go from there. But I guess his dreams were shattered too.”

“Wow you had a plan and everything!” I paused to think of my next question “When why did you fall in love with dad? If you planned to marry the other guy?”

“To be honest, I thought I was never returning home. Life was overwhelming me here and I thought I was just going to be alone for the rest of my life” her face shifted into sadness “I cried everyday as I prayed for someone to make my days less lonely, someone who’d make me feel complete. It took a while to see that it was your dad but he did make me very happy, even if we were just friends.” Her eyes got dewy “Then I got the family I yearned for, and at that point, I didn’t mind if I never returned home. Because I made a home here with all of you! And that was enough for me.”

Her words moved me to tears “Even if we’re little shits?”

She laughed “YES! Attitude and all! I love all of you because you’re the little pieces of me that I love the most about myself. I could never hate my children, no matter how bad.”

“Then, what will happen if you get word you can return home?”

“Well, the plan was, that I go back and live with my parents. If my boyfriend was still alive, then I’d reunite with him too and pick up where I left off in my life plan.” She listed “But that was before I started the company, got married and had children! Now it’s more that I’d go for an extended vacation back home. Because the new ordeal is that I was going to retire at both my jobs, hand over the company to a replacement, go visit my childhood home and visit all of my family members to show that I’m alive.”

“Will you take us with you?” I asked, scared of what she might say.

“If you guys want too” she looked at me “I know your dad wants to, he said before we got married that he wanted to accompany me because he wanted to see all the places I talked about in my little childhood stories. But I don’t know if you or your siblings would, I guess it would depend if you’re in your careers or not by then.”

“What if you want to stay there?”

“We’ll see, I haven’t thought that far ahead” she put her chin on my head “one day at a time Iwata.”

“Hmmm, okay one more question” I declared as I felt that I was maybe annoying my mom “Why are we protected citizen status? So many people don’t know about your children and act all surprised that I exist.”

She shifted her arms and had more of my weight rested onto her “Remember the night of the incident? And how we hid in Mr Hitoshi’s house for a few days?” she started off “I was waiting until you were a bit older to tell you the full story, but here it goes. The home invaders hacked into the protected housing database to get my personal cell number, they called me as a distraction so they could break into the house. I knew right away that I had to protect you guys but I wasn’t at my best because I was still healing from giving birth. I alerted Jin and Mimi to take you and the others to safety because I was ready to lay my life on the line.”

“Why did you do it?” I choked up, now understanding what I saw that night.

“I said I was going to protect my family and that if it costed my life, then so be it. I kissed your father goodbye and he understood that I had to do what I needed to do. So while he gathered you guys in the nursery to await uncle Jin’s portal, I fought this intruder but he made the mistake to tell me his motive.” She choked up a bit, trying to keep her composure “He said that he wanted to take my children and I away for quirk experiments. That they were going through the quirk registry of the country of double quirked citizens, us first, then the Todoroki family. That didn’t sit with me, I fought even harder but I pushed myself too hard and ended up face down and backed into my doom. I closed my eyes coming into to terms that this was it but at least my family is safe. But then I heard your little voice shout for the intruder to get away from me, and I shot up to use the last of my energy to protect you. But it didn’t matter what I did, you defeated them with your awakened quirk, I just finished the job with a shot to the spine to cripple them.” She took a deep breath “I saw that you were going into catatonic state, so I picked you up and held you, staggering my way to the nursery with everyone else for the portal.”

“You’re alive because of me?” I realized.

“Yes mijo, and I’m so thankful that you did. I couldn’t imagine a life where my children lived without their mother and only with a father that knows nothing about raising four very rowdy kids.” Her body curled around me “I informed the commission of the breach and everything got tighter security. I took an extra step and put the protected status on all of my children. Everyone on the Japan data base with a double quirk was advised to do the same or choose one quirk to have on the registry. But you’re just like me in a way.”

“How?” 

“You rose to the occasion and fought to protect the ones you loved, even if the chances of losing were high. And at the end, you won but life will never be the same and you live with the trauma of that day everyday.” She answered “Now you’re stronger, smarter and still have your loved ones around you...history repeated itself.”

“Damn, it do be like that huh?” That part blew my mind.

“Yea, but now all I wanna do is continue this nap” she closed her eyes again “Stay awhile longer Iwata, if we pretend to be asleep when dad comes home, he has to cook dinner.”

“Okay” I chuckled and closed my eyes “I’ll stay.”

I was no longer conflicted about my thoughts on my mom. She’s incredible and loves her family so immensely! She isn’t an empress, she’s divinity, love reincarnate. My wish is to feel that much love someday, maybe I will when I have a family of my own.

-3 days before returning to the dorms-

“How are you holding up chief?” asked Hoshi as he came outside to where I was “Last day of punishment training eh?”

I was face down on my trampoline that I jumped onto because there was a layer of snow on it and my body felt like it was on fire “Yea, and I want to die.”

“Bet” He chuckled as they sat on the rim of the trampoline “I brought berry tart for some cafecito with the fam.”

“Ooh that sounds lit” I lifted my head up, savoring that cup of hot coffee with dessert “Are you staying over today then? Lili won’t be back until dinner time.”

“Oh I know, Lili doesn’t know I’m here” he gave me a look “I don’t plan on sticking around too long, I just came to drop off the invite to my dad’s wedding and some...other news.”

I squinted my eyes in suspicion “What other news Hoshi?”

“You’ll see over some cafecito” He kept tight lipped.

“Ugh fine!” I put my head back down. I hate it when I get those responses!

Mom finally came home and Hoshi set the table for a cafecito. He even made the coffee so we could all sit down at the same time.

“Okay now that I have everyone I wanted to talk to here” spoke up Hoshi as we were eating our slice of tart “You’re probably wondering why I gathered everyone here.”

“No” blurted Hanaka.

“Because you fucked up” blurted Tensei.

“You got a job?” blurted Mom.

“You’re getting top surgery?” I blurted.

“Oh! It’s because you’re graduating early in the spring?” Dad blurted with an arm chop.

“What? NO!” He said to disarm us “I don’t know what I was expecting from such an outspoken family! But I gathered everyone here because” he took a deep breath and just broke out in a deep blush and grin “Wow this is harder than I thought it was gonna be! Heh, I was hoping to ummm” He looked at our awaiting faces “Hoping if I’d get your blessing to marry Lili, because you’re all so good to me that I want to take the family name. Do you accept this trans-boy as your future-son/brother-in-law?”

The whole table was in silent shock...until Tensei spoke up.

“Imma say it” he forewarned “It’s about fuckin’ finally Hoshi, the family name is unexpected tho.”

“Oh Hoshi! Of course you have our blessing!” Mom said as she hopped up to give Hoshi a hug “But I have to agree with Tensei, it’s been long awaited, huh Tenya?”

Everyone looked over to dad, tears pouring down like waterfalls “Oh my baby is gonna get married! She’s growing up too fast” he blew his nose on his table napkin “I approve and just so happy for you two! It feels like last year she was still screaming to welcome me home from work, and last week like she just entered high school.”

“Oh babe, don’t cry” Mom comforted “you’re embarrassing the kids.”

“Seriously daddy, put the water works away!” huffed Hanaka “Every time we do anything new you start crying!”

“I can’t help it! I didn’t think I’d get to see the day my children get married!” Dad wipes his tears “Someday you’ll understand when you have kids of your own.”

And so we spent the rest of our time together prying details from Hoshi on when and where will be the proposal. He said he’ll wait until they both finish school because he recently got in touch with his mother’s estranged family and found out that there was some inheritance waiting for him and his brothers. So no matter if they get jobs out of college right away or not, they can live off the inheritance comfortably for a good 3 or so years. Good on them! Maybe thats what I’ll do with my money...what’s with this family and inheritance?

-Day of returning to the dorms-

I pack my bag and savor the last of moments of home comforts. I really didn’t want to go back to the dorms but I still need to take my hero final.

“OwO r u decent?” chirped Hanaka from the door “Hewwo? Mr. Obama? May I come in?”

I sigh tiredly “No, pewish.”

“Too bad we’re coming in anyways” Lili said before busting in like Big Bird in that one meme video.

“WHY CAN’T YOU TWO JUST OPEN THE DOOR LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!” yelled Tensei from his side of the room, arm chopping “THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED!”

“Ugh shut up DAD!” said the girls in unison, mocking the arm chop.

“Why tho?” I asked, hand on my hip “I need to finish packing.”

“We just wanted to do one last thing before you go!” Hanaka said bouncing up and down.

“I’m not dying guys! We’ll see each other in like 2 weeks for the Welcome Estate Ball” I turned back to my packing “What’s so important that can’t wait until-”

“Iwa look out!” warned Tensei.

I looked back to see the girls mid pounce, giving me just enough time to zip toward the door “Thanks Tensei!”

“Don’t try to escape the dog pile Iwa!” taunted the girls, eyes locked back onto me “It is futile!”

“Save yourself!” Tensei stood in the way of the girls with arms out.

“No! Don’t sacrifice yourself foo!”

“I have already excepted my fate as bottom of the pile” said the little brother as the girls picked themselves up “GO!”

I nod and dash out of our room to escape the dreaded dog pile. Since we were kids, we did these really full contact contests to see who ends up on the bottom of the dog pile. It was fun at first but now we run in fear at the sight of a pounce! Anything goes in this game! We use quirks, fists, throw objects, use distractions...but the moment mom stops everything, it’s game over. I just gotta run outside and get mom to insure game over!

Lili does a front rocket flip to stop me from running to the front yard “You’re not going anywhere Iwee!”

“When the hell did you learn that move?!” I was semi-impressed but still in fear for my life “that was clean as fuck!”

“OOOOOOO! You cursed!” Hanaka called out from the stairs “I’m telling daddy!”

“You little snitch! You wouldn’t dare!” I gasped.

“Watch me! Here, catch Tensei real quick” she said before tossing her twin over the railing, then parkour’d down the stairs to the backyard.

I couldn’t let Tensei just fall like that, so I caught him with my telekinesis before he could hit the ground. But I made the mistake of turning my back on Lili.

“Got cha- oof!” Lili got sight teleported by Tensei.

“Go get mom!” said Tensei before slumping over “I’m done for, they gave me a mad ass wedgie.”

“I’ll avenge you brother!” I did my dramatics before running toward the front door again.

The front door opened “Sopresa puto! It’s me!” Hanaka said as she ran full speed “fell right into my trap!”

I didn’t have time to stop, both of us were going top speed! So we crashed into each other, followed by Tensei that got in the way to soften the fall, then Lili that was in the right place at the wrong time.

“I heard a thud and some Spanish cursing! What’s going on-” said dad as he opened the sliding door from the back yard, poor timing as he got bodied by the four body mass going a full speed. We all slammed onto the just defrosted grass that dad finished doing.

“Oh shit dad are you okay?!” asked Lili.

“This takes me back” groaned Dad with a smile “you kids would always dog pile onto me every time I was laying down in the living room when you were little kids.” he chuckled “No so little now! That knocked the wind out of me.”

“Tenya, is everything okay back there?” asked Mom as she came though the side gate “I heard some- phfffff!” she started laughing “Look at you guys! Piled onto dad like that!” She levitated us off one by one “One last house mischief huh?”

“Yea, we haven’t done all of the winter break antics” grunted Hanaka as she got peeled off me “And I really wanted to spend more time with everyone! Tensei doesn’t wanna always play with me, even if I ask nicely.”

“I’m busy with my band and debate competition cases! We can’t play arson all the time” Tensei defended himself “Are you forgetting that we start middle school in a few days?! It’s time we get a little more serious with our education.”

“Oh wow it’s like listening to a recording” giggled Mom, setting us down on our feet “Your dad would say that last line all the time when we were in high school! It sent me back to those days” she sighed lovingly and turned to face Dad “Remember those times when everyone teased you for calling me up to explain strategy homework?”

Dad turned red and fixed his glasses “It was a difficult subject! I was just doing everyone a favor by asking you to come over to tutor us.”

Lili caught on to his body language “Oh I get it~ You say it’s for ‘tutoring’ but you did it as an excuse to spend more time with Mom” she did her little smug face with arms crossed “You had a big dumb crush on her, didn’t you dad?”

“I- well- I didn’t know how else to spend the maximized amount of time with her” He turned even brighter red and cleared his throat “She was intelligent, charming and super talented. How could I not develop feelings? If only I wasn’t such a coward and confessed when I wanted too, things could’ve been so much different.”

“It’s true, but those what if’s don’t matter anymore” Mom smiled “because we’ve exceeded our wishes and daydreams.” She turned to us “Now, lets get back to what we were doing! Iwata has to leave soon and I don’t want to keep the staff waiting on him all day.”

I go back to finishing up my packing, now with all my siblings in the room on their crackhead shit. When I took my bags down to the driveway, they didn’t want me to leave. And of course Mom had to pry them off me so I can get in the car in peace. The drive with my dad was calm.

“Hey dad” I asked as we stopped at the first light “Did you really pick a fight with Mr Hitoshi over mom?”

“I did” Dad said with a hint of regret “I wasn’t proud of what I did, but I didn’t know how else to express my hurt feelings. Your mom hailed me as her chosen family and I wanted to always be by her side, through whatever life had in store.” We move again “Imagine my hurt when she hid her relationship and shared living situation from me, only finding out by chance. And it was a stupid thing to do, I pushed her away even though I very much still loved her. But we all made up before the wedding and I’m close friends with Mr Hitoshi and Nieto. We go on double dates and other couple things with them, it’s so much fun.”

I thought about my next question carefully “If mom did have a child when you reunited with her, what would you do?”

“Funny enough, I thought about it before I reunited with her” Dad smiled “I was willing to help her raise a child. I’d babysit, teach them things, tuck them into bed... everything a parent would do. I wanted to show your mom I’m capable of providing and nurture, I really wanted to be as much as a man as I could be for her.”

“Did you show her all that?”

Dad chuckled “I didn’t have to try very hard! She had forgiven me way before we reunited and revealed to me that she had always had feelings for me” We turn into the final stretch of street before the dorms “But it felt so lovely to finally say it and have them reciprocate the feeling. I knew from then on, I’d never let her go and be outward with my feelings. Everyday I wake up next to her and think about how much I don’t deserve such an incredible woman nor the family that we made” he looked at me “But I guess I’m worth it.”

“Even if we’re disobedient, rowdy, weird pieces of shit?!”

“Yes, because life would be boring with out all those traits to balance my traits out!” Dad turns into the dorm parking lot “Well Iwata, you really threw us in a loop this winter break. Do your best on your make ups.”

I look at the dorms and take a deep breath “I’ll do my best, thanks dad.”

I waved him off until he was out of sight, then I took my bags into my dorm. Nobody was back yet in my class, mainly because our winter training was canceled due to the villain attacks back in September. I put all my things away and see the empty bed in my dorm. It made me miss Beizu, we’ve never been separated like this before. It’s about 2:45pm and I couldn’t delay my test any longer, to the hero dorms I go!

“Iwata! So nice to see you back in one piece!” beamed Mineta sensei.

I cringed “Don’t tell me my mom told you what happened.”

“No your dad did” Sensei corrected me “I have to say, never did I think it would be you to push it too far. But your dad did the same thing when we were in high school” He hands me the written exam “Alright, take your time on this.”

The written exam wasn’t too bad and I got it done in under an hour. I was excused for the day because the physical part of the exam was going to take place in one of the practice gyms at school in 2 days. Before I could leave to my dorms, the usual clowns saw me.

“Yo Iida-kun!” greeted Gon “You’re back so soon?!”

“Yup, had to take my exams that I missed”

“I heard what happened to your relative” Kage said worried “Are you alright? Sorry about your loss.”

“We’re good, I just had to help with the arrangements” I said relieved that they didn’t know about the other shit “I learned a lot about family this break.”

We went in Gon’s room to chat “...so are you going to take the hero licensing this year?”

“I guess so? But it’s not like I’m going to see you guys there” I responded “Everyone has their license right?”

“No, three people didn’t pass” said Kage “So they’ll be joining you on that.”

“Does that mean you’ll be in the sports festival too?!” Gon jumped excitedly.

“I’m still not sure” I gestured to have him calm down “I don’t want to do an internship for hero work and I don’t want to be on the scope for these villains. And don’t act like that’s not the reason why y’all get attacked on the regular!”

“I guess you have some reasoning there” Gon pondered my words “But imagine you kicking ass out there?! You’d easily get in the top 3!”

“Yeah Iida-kun! You’re one of the strongest ones in the class!” Kage joined in on the hype “At least think about it.”

I looked at the two and slumped in my bean bag chair “Ugh fine I’ll think about it!” I groaned “Still gotta figure myself out though.”

“Like what?” asked the two in sync.

“I’m thinking about getting a support item for my legs” I pointed at my shins “Even after all this training, I still can’t get my legs to keep up with the kick of my arm engines!”

“That would be helpful” Kage looked over my arms “Still can’t believe you haven’t figured it out.”

-Fast forward, afternoon of the Welcome Estate Ball-

“...Your tuxedo Iwata-chan.” said a butler as he draped the formal wear on the bed “Anything else you might need before I go?”

“Thank you, that’ll be all!” I said carefully, not to sound too aggressive.

To tell the truth I’m freaking out about all this! It feels like I’m a prince or something and I’m about to get coronated. Thankfully Beizu agreed to come with me to the estate to take the edge off and be moral support.

“That bath is no joke! Like damn bitch you can live like this?!” Beizu said as he got out of the joint bathroom in a robe in my estate quarters “Ooh! The champagne and snacks are here!”

“Bei I’m freaking out!” I slam myself onto the bed “I’m no rich boy, I’m on this ironic lucky streak that’s becoming my literal nightmare!”

Beizu walks over to me with two glasses in his hand “Iwa, it’s not like you’re pretending that you own everything! Nobody hates you and you just gotta be yourself, as corny as that sounds, it’s true” he hovers the glass of champagne over my face “Lets get a little loose before we have to go socialize with your family.”

All my worries took backseat “Okay a few drinks, I don’t want to puke and embarrass my uncle.”

“To inheritance!” Beizu toasted as I sat up “May you live comfortably the rest of your life!”

I toasted and really thought about those words. Yeah I am going to live comfortably but I also want Beizu to be part of that lifestyle too. In between getting whisked into conversations and having to order servants, I try to get some quality time in with Beizu. Yeah we dorm together but school is kicking our butts and we hardly have time for the usual hanging out. Finally there was a moment where we slipped away into the Lineage Hall for some peace and quiet.

“Wow, look at all the portraits” gasped Beizu “Fucked up eyebrows do run in the family!”

“Right?! Glad my mom has stronger, pretty genes” I chuckled as I led Beizu by the hand “This way! I want to show you something.” All the way at the end was four plaques “Here’s were my portrait will someday hang, alongside my siblings!”

“That’s so cool! When are you going to get yours done?” asked Beizu, taking a closer look at my plaque.

“I want to get mine done when I get married, ya know, so I can have couples portrait” I get a little choked up on my words and blurted “Hey Bei, would you be down to get married at 25 with me, if we’re both still single by then?”

Beizu froze and slowly turned to me, face flushed beet red “Wha?! You want to marry me?!”

“Why not? I trust you and I don’t care what others will say about it” I bring our hands together “Maybe it’s all the alcohol in me, but I want you to take part in these riches with me. You said you’d marry me when I told you how much I inherited, you might’ve been joking around but I mean it! Won’t you be part of my family and riches?”

Beizu pursed his lips to give it a thought “I’ll do it BUT I’M GOING TO HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE IWATA EL ROCA IIDA!” he posed and pointed at my nose “If by the time of the stroke of midnight on your 25th birthday and theres no ring on my finger, I’m going to propose in the most extra way that you’ll have to say yes.”

“Deal, I trust you’ll keep me accountable” I pulled them in for a hug “I don’t ever want to go through life without you.”

He brought his hands around my waist “That’s my line, silly” Beizu laughed as he rest his head on my shoulder “I don’t want to go through life without you too.”

We walk down the hall after our little moment to see my little brother having what looks like a mental breakdown. And just outside the window of the hall, in plain view, my parents were really going at it with the making out. It was just so weird looking at them making out like that when Beizu and I spent most of our first year of high school peeking into young mom’s romps with other boys. As for little bro Tensei, I’m sure it’s fine and he’s not on the brink of anything! He’s just a boy after all. Shiet, I’d breakdown if Hanaka was my twin sister too. Beizu and I just minded our business and re-joined the others in the main hall to drink a little more. I hope for more moments like these, then maybe life wouldn’t suck so bad.

-Chapter 11, End-

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Aight so I guess I’m doing a session review?/Prediction?/Analysis of how I think @neonwolfeh session might go.

So starting this off with the premise:

It’s a normal session with no specific prototyping fuckery or trolls or whatever. and I got some brief character summaries:

Ross, Heir of Doom: Ross is a jaded, angry guy who just wants to have -One Good Daytm-.

Luca, Rogue of Life: Pretty upbeat, tries to make the best of every situation (and does not succeed). 

Kase, Seer of Rage: Fuckin edgelord, thats p much it. Full of hate and will say slurs. 

Abby, Witch of Hope: Basically a shoujo anime protagonist, awkward and peppy and sweet. 

Odin, Prince of Time: Embodiment of nervousness and jumpiness. This guy needs a nap and a hug.

Niko, Knight of Space: Like Dave Strider if he was as suave as 2012 fanon interpretations said he is.

And now for my takes on them:

So starting off my initial impressions of the session are complete failure, mostly based on one thing. Odin, the Time player. While he sounds decent enough of a guy you have to understand the reason that every session requires a Space and Time player to succeed. Technically speaking, only a Space player is needed to overcome the wall of creating a new universe. The Time player is needed because the game is just that hard. The image I get of Odin is that he won’t be actually doing much Time traveling, likely too weak-minded to believe that he could pull things off. A lot of pressure would be resting on his shoulders and he needs to answer. As I said in my Patrick Star analysis, I believe that he’s going to be wasting a lot of Time. For different reasons here though, he’s still destined to procrastinate. That is likely going to get people in his session killed. Sburb is hard and everyone involved needs to be doing their part to beat the game. 

My analysis doesn’t end with that though. We still have 5 other players to throw into the mix! Moving onto I’d like to talk about the cool cat Niko, the Knight of Space. So inherently here we have a contradictory classpect. The Knight is a protector, in their session they are supposed to cooperate with their Space player to breed The Frogtm. They are meant to be a companion. The Space class is one of solitude, barring their frog breeding partner. Space is a vast domain and both Jade and Kanaya spent most of their time alone. It’s one of their themes. They spend time worried about the bigger picture that with the smaller problems that their teammates deal with. Likely, they are very alone. And that makes me wonder, how much of the “Cool Guy” is real and how much of it is, well, him being lonely? Or a defense mechanism because of that? Keep yourself distant and aloof because that’s where you’re going to end up anyways. No reason for people to get hurt, sort of deal. 

Next I wanna talk about Luca, the Rogue of Life. I imagine her as the kind of person who is peppy to the point that it makes people uncomfortable. Trying to bring Life happiness to all of her friends by being a never ending source of sunshine. Which is all well and good, these types of people are well liked and a party falling into the traps of depression is likely to fail. That being said, I can’t help but believe that her failures come from her unending sunshine. Sometimes people just need to be sad. Life has it’s ups and down and that’s natural. People probably feel exhausted around her, much to her dismay. You must go down to rise back up. I feel like she’s probably Odin’s self proclaimed best friend and also a main source of stress for him. “You can do it!” is encouragement (He probably sees it as empty/naive), not useful advice. Her being unable to see that has got to be one of her personal challenges. She’s not responsible for rewriting everyone’s lives or fixing their problems. Those are not hurdles for her to overcome. I feel like every Rogue has some weird interaction with their aspect. As one who steals Life/steals from Life I don’t think it’s meant to be taken literally. She ain’t sucking out peoples souls. I’d say she maybe has an aura of demoralization for her enemies, kind of like a mental attack? Or it could be something more direct like absorbing Life essence through contact or something. Like a magic drain attack similar to the androids from DBZ or some equivalent. The stealing from Life is maybe... just a literal item teleportation ability? Like an actual Thief Rogue. Beyond that, she can probably bring people back to life once just like every other Life player ever.

Ross the Heir of Doom is, well, kind of a loser. but he doesn’t have to be. His main challenge is going to be realizing that his “One good daytm” isn’t just going to randomly show up. It’s something you have to work for. Once he does, he’ll probably be fine. Weirdly enough the fucking Doom player is likely the most competent out of everyone, which is really funny imo. His powers are uh. Well. One who inherits Doom/is protected by Doom. I’m shooting in the dark here despite there being a canon Heir of Doom. I’d say he maybe influences enemies to fight each other? At least early on during the passive protection phase. Later on once he awakens his powers he might be able to suck “Bad vibes” into himself, weakening his enemies and strengthening himself. That might be leeching into Thief territory but I wouldn’t know what else to say here honestly. Maybe he can fix things? Inheriting the Doom of something and taking the damage into himself? It’s up for debate.

Moving on to Kase, Seer of Rage. The dude’s probably a complete asshole. The kind that you question why you’re even friends with them. Probably racist but also hates people in general and claims that it’s OK because of that. Probably gets along really well with animals because of that too. He’s probably feeding into Odin’s insecurities, which, might actually be helping him stay until he’s really ready to time travel. But that’s not Kase’s intention (Ask him about it afterwards and he’ll claim otherwise forever.). He just want’s to be a dick and thinks being edgy or ironic is cool. As on who understands Rage he’s likely well aware that it can be useful in the right scenarios. Maybe he lets himself get taken by the berserker Rage at just the right moment and come back down afterwards. But he hasn’t really come down. You can’t just have a heart filled with Rage and hate and be a normal person the rest of the time. He can probably tell when it’s time for others to let loose as well. But likely has trouble convincing them. 

Kase and Ross probably get along really well.

Finally, we have Abby, the Witch of Hope. Honestly? She sounds really basic. She’s gotta be the most “Normal” person out of the bunch. Which, when your surrounded by weirdos, is a good thing. Everyone needs someone sane to fall back on and that’s definitely her. I imagine that’s how she manipulates Hope, just giving people some reference, some piece of mind, that they haven’t gone off the deep end. Or maybe that the have and need to rethink things. She’s probably the one that’ll help Odin figure his shit out. Maybe she drafts up a plan of events he should change. Then in the new timeline he seeks out her help again and repeats this until he can do things himself. While I don’t see her as the leader of the party, she is likely the anchor. She also probably will play a bog role in everyone else figuring out their shit too. Telling Ross to shut the fuck up, Kase to man up and do something, Luca to do something productive, Niko to call her when he the loneliness starts getting to him, just to talk. Her challenges likely revolve around realizing how important she is. After all, she’s just a shoujo protag, what can she do? Everyone is out there killing monsters or solving puzzles or hacking their alchemists. Ans she’s just a plain Jane. But that’s what makes her special. Her powers are probably basic hope lasers and maybe being good at giving speeches. 

So with that out of the way how would the actual session go? Well, I think there’s a lot of fighting. I imagine Kase wants to be the leader being the “Only one capable of it” and he’s not exactly wrong. But he’s also insufferable. So it doesn’t matter that he’s competent because nobody wants to listen to him. The only other options are Luca who everyone also likely can’t deal with for extended periods of time for previously stated reasons; or Niko, who is likely to busy with their own shit to also manage the party. So I think everyone has to meet up and decide that it’s probably best for Kase to be leader and that everyone should just agree to follow him and give him some advice where they can. Kase is probably actually competent. He’s likely a bad leader but an even worse follower. I can imagine him just ignoring anyone else as the leader and going off to do his own thing and fucking shit up. With him as the leader, not causing trouble and everyone else in a kind of, secret alliance I guess, the key players are going to be Odin and Abby. Odin needs to be able to fill his role or everyone dies. Simple as that. Abby needs to a) help him figure his shit out if he can’t on his own. And b) help ground everyone else (So they can solve their problems) and keep some semblance of sanity. If they can, there’s a solid shot at victory. If Odin dies before he can Time travel, well, I guess that’s that. There’s a lot of personal challenges to overcome based on a character’s classpect and I think it really comes down to, are these people/characters capable of growth? 

Hopefully the way I viewed the characters was how you wanted but with so little to go on I might have misinterpreted somethings. Either way this was fun!

               Sadly, my posting of old photos may be coming to a point where it is less frequent. I’m running out of old photos to post, particularly those that aren’t nude portraits in some way. Which is nothing else seem really old hat to me but maybe that’s just because I’m not 22 and full of hormones anymore. I need to take more photos so I have more things to post and talk about.

              I’m also noticing the community on Tumblr seems to be teens half my age. Maybe I’m just an old fart who doesn’t know how to use Tumblr? I’ve got absolutely nothing against teens. On the teen aspect, I wonder sometimes if my ranting is relevant, or even responsible.

              When we’re teens we’re going through so much. So many emotions, hormones, new situations, pressures. I can see where some of what I post becomes attractive or relatable if not just something to feel emotions to. But for most teens, these things will pass. It will change and it will get better. So I worry I’m not helping. I’ll get into that more near the end.

              It leads me to these photos today. These photos were taken years ago on the Bonneville Salt Flats. I’m sure there’s a place on the flats with an actual parking lot and visitor center but that’s now how we did it. This was probably the second time shooting this model. I’ll have to tell the story of the first another time. She was a little younger than I was grew up traditionally LDS but she herself wasn’t particularly religious or conservative. She actually seemed to like the idea of tattoos, alternative music, just being yourself even if she personally didn’t have tattoos. She was a HUGE lover of animals. Would end up one day a hedgehog breeder I think.

              On this particular day she took her dog with her and together in her old BMW she picked me up and we went down the highway. The highway at the flats is basically a straight line and no one is driving the speed limit. Lots of people whizzing by at 100+ miles per hour. Being the flats, there’s also a huge amount of wind. We drive for what must have been an hour and talked, always looking at her gas gauge as that limited what we could do. I remember at one point some of the rubber holding on the windshield of that old BMW caught the wind and just flung off the car. Made me think of being in a rocket ship and having a panel fly off.

              When we finally decided to take photos we just pulled over and walked out to the flats. It was vast, flat, and windy.

              To me, these are lonely photos. And I post them today because of it. The girl in the photos was someone I had several deep conversations with. And in many ways I think had I allowed myself to feel joy, I could have been friends with. It may be arrogant to think so, but maybe even something more. She was someone who saw my flaws and kept trying to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. And at some point in life because I couldn’t let myself have friends, let alone find love, and kept trying to tell myself I couldn’t form relationships with models or it was creepy… at some point I’d end up locking her out of my life. Suddenly, dramatically, and quietly.

              This last month has been one hell of a roller coaster ride emotionally. There have been developments that happened with my old friend. The kinds of things where you don’t necessarily go looking and somehow it just pops up. The kinds of things where suddenly a lot of things just sort of happen. Where other things just don’t happen. It’s been a month of spiraling out on anxiety and walking around like Jack Skellington going, “What does it mean? What does it mean?”. A month of trying to distract myself, feel emotionally distant, make mistakes, learn something about myself, respond to all the stress and anxiety differently. A month of things not being as bad as I thought and things not going as horribly as I thought. And on the rare occasion getting to pull out my telescope to see how my old friend is on their boat and just feel, happy or complete again for a minute. It’s been a long and strange month.

              Part of that month includes several people telling me something that I’m sure I’ve been told before by someone, but for some reason resonates now. It’s the notion that really nothing that’s happened is bad, or wrong. It doesn’t mean I’m a monster, that I’m a fuck up, or that my old friend even hates me. They probably just, don’t think of me because life has moved on for them. More to the point I’ve been told several times this month that the issue, not problem but issue, in my life is pain. Particularly that I keep punishing myself. And doing so to such an impossible and undeserving standard. As if all the punishment somehow makes everything that happened and all the time lost okay. As if should I ever not punish, then none of it would matter anymore. That if I just punish myself hard enough or long enough, that maybe life will go back to the way it was which it never will, but also shouldn’t necessarily and that’s okay. That punishment and pain have become an identity, and I’ve not allowed myself to know anything else.

              It makes me think of these photos. Because there’s been so many wonderful people along the way the last 16 years that I’ve locked out and pushed out. People I felt I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, associate with beyond a very strict point. I’ve missed out on so much. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to miss out on those things anymore. And I don’t want to live in punishment and pain. The time lost, is lost. But I still have the rest of my life. That perhaps there is something to be said for time served and enough is enough.

              In some capacity, even if it’s just chatting online on occasion, I’d like to move on with my old friend. Like I’ve said before, I’ve always had this weird feeling my path eventually leads me back to them. And without the worry of school, social groups, parents, the impending doom of “get life right or live in a van down by the river” now, they and I have our whole lives to get to know each other. And be who we need to be to each other.

              But even if it is just conversations online on occasion, which is progress I’m hoping comes from this month, or even if it’s nothing at all. I really want to enjoy life again with someone. I want someone to not lock out anymore.

              And I think that’s the lesson. “let it go” doesn’t mean forget about it, or it doesn’t matter. It means that at some point the only person punishing you, judging you, hurting you… is you. And the only way it’ll ever get better is if you forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy again. Something some of the events of this month, be they good or bad, has shown me. It’s okay. SWAT isn’t about to bust down my door. It’s okay to feel something.

                Came across a podcast episode today that talked a little about this idea of Idiot compassion vs Wise compassion. It’s an interesting concept. One of those things that when you stop to think about it feels like you’ve always known about but just never really had defined before. That “duh” moment for me I guess.

                For most of us, the compassion we’ll see most often is going to be Idiot compassion. We’ll even be the dealers of it from time to time. We’ll see it mostly from our friends and our family when we’re not feeling our best.

              In Idiot compassion it’s when someone gives compassion for their own benefit. Because it makes them feel better. Because they personally don’t want to see this person suffering, or because if the suffering heed their advice they somehow gain. Such is of our friend stops being mopey we can finally go to the movies. It’s when they just want to make someone feel better, and so they don’t necessarily tell the suffering the truth.

              When we see someone we care about in a problem and we feel compelled to say something it is probably idiot compassion. Something done that probably isn’t going to really help the other person anyways. It is probably something nice for the sake of being nice. And it risks being something that may actually hurt or further the situation the suffering are in. This kind of compassion typically doesn’t take into context, see, or even care about the whole situation from an objective view.

              Your friends and family will likely give idiot compassion. As Lori Gottlieb says you may hear statements for example about a breakup similar to “He’s a jerk”, “you dodged a bullet”, “all men suck”, “never talk to an ex”. These people will commonly tell you things like you should date or sleep around to get over someone, that you just need to get over it, that’s it’s all in your head, that you should break up with someone because you had a fight, that you should marry this person because they are “perfect” or “perfect for you”. Such statements don’t really help you over time. They may feel good in the moment, but you may end up ultimately feeling unfulfilled about your “perfect” decisions, or stressed out anxious that you’re not doing as well as they said you should be or would be, or worst of all just back where you started.

              Wise compassion on the other hand might look at that same break up differently. In Lori’s case she talk about how the source of her struggle wasn’t ultimately that this guy was a jerk and her heart was broken. It was about how she thought she had her life planned out. She was getting married, doing all the right things, had a career, everything was planned out. She did everything right. And then all of a sudden, the plan wasn’t there anymore. There was no backup plan, she didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, and she was alone. The floor fell from underneath her.

              As such wise compassion first had to dive into why she was truly struggling in the first place. Maybe he wasn’t the right guy for her. Sure. At the same time, maybe the problem is she was doing everything for the wrong reasons? Maybe she wasn’t really getting the fulfillment she truly needed? Maybe she was surrounding herself with the wrong people, like “yes men”. Maybe she was depending too much on others, on ideals, on this plan, then really being honest with herself on her needs? You can have your dream job, be successful, and still not find it fulfilling if you’re not being honest with yourself.

              Wise compassion by far is harder to find, but oh so much more valuable. We often feel and maybe are ill-equipped to dispense it. It may not necessarily flatter us or the person being given to. But it’s the truth given in a compassionate way.

              In Wise compassion, the compassion we give is more skillful and meaningful. Its intent is not to say something for the sake of something, or to simply end someone’s suffering so we don’t have to watch it. The intent is to help bring release from suffering so they honestly feel better. In this compassion it may be necessary to shine a mirror upon the sufferer to show them something they may not want to see or otherwise didn’t see before.

              It is an interesting thought experiment to me because I’ve been thinking about a similar thing for a while not. There’s a lot of nice people in this world. And there’s a time and a place for that. There’s nothing wrong with nice people. But people who simply nice people, aren’t always meaningful people. They aren’t always honest people. Just because someone is nice, doesn’t mean you’re going to be the best of friends that they really care about you, that you should sleep with them, date them, or marry them. It doesn’t mean you should be investing your time, energy, life, heart and soul into them.

              They aren’t bad people, they’re just nice people. And there’s a lot of nice people who will likely be nice for a while. But ultimately, aren’t you kind of people.

“~Write your soul down word for word. See who’s your friend. And who is kind.~ Matchbox Twenty - You Won’t be mine”

              In my life I’ve met a lot of nice people. And someone of them I’ve tried to hold onto longer than I should have, some I’ve lost myself in just to have someone who was nice around. There’s some who I pursued relationships with that ultimately didn’t work out because, they were just nice.Or because I didn’t truly allow myself to take the risk of actually feeling happy and connection again.

              There have been very few people in life who I’ve found had wise compassion. People who were truly honest, in a compassionate way. Who spoke my language, who I cared about.

              Like so many of these posts, it makes me think of my old friend. In part, because it always seemed like they could always find nice people. There was always an unlimited supply of nice people to surround them. To get lost in. How can you deny the voice of the crowd? They can’t all be wrong right? And it’s so much nicer over there what they have to say. But the voices of yes men and nice people, of Idiot compassion, isn’t always helpful. It isn’t necessarily fulfilling in the long run.

              I’ve been known to give people Idiot compassion like everyone else. But when it came to my old friend, I always tried to be honest. Even if it wasn’t fun to say, even if it wasn’t at my favor. I love their art. But no, I don’t love every piece. No, it’s not okay right now. Its okay it’s not okay right now. It’ll be okay someday. I love some of the things they do, and yes sometimes the problems we had were my fault. I own that. I’ve always felt like it was far more important to tell them the truth than to say something sweet just to be sweet.

              From my end, I’ve met a lot of nice people. I’ve had a lot of Idiot compassion happen to me. People who feel like emotional tourist. It’s part of why I feel for women. It’s so easy to have tourist show up because someone is feeling lonely, or horny, and the when the feeling passes in the morning or years down the road the tourist is gone only to be replaced by another. In my life I’ve had a lot of cliché’ platitudes lobbed at me. But I’ve had very few people be they stranger, tourist passing through, friends, family, or medical people, who were truly dispensers of Wise compassion. And there’s been so many times when I’ve needed it.

              I think that’s part of the reason why I respect and admire my old friend so much. They were probably the last person who I had that dispensed Wise compassion to me. And they were possible the only person I ever felt truly honored to try and reciprocate. I suppose in the end, after all this time I just hope beyond hope that I get that opportunity again someday.

              While I’m not really big into the holistic or the metaphysical, I do want to be a romantic and optimistic. There’s a thing called manifesting where you work towards your goals yes. You don’t lose focus and you don’t give up. But you try to stay positive, have happy thoughts, think about what you want and just hold on to that thought. I’m not really sure how much I buy into all of it. But I’ve got time. So I’ve been trying to manifest a conversation via happy thoughts and thinking about that conversation happening someday. Who knows, maybe it’ll all pay off sometime.

Til Death Do Us Part [WinterIron Angst Fic]

A/N: Wow, two fics in two days? What am I, a fic writer? Who let this happen? Okay, so I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen the A4 trailer by now (which I will not call it by its’ real name because I think that’s a fucking stupid name okay) and have all collectively died from angst and pain. So naturally, I decided to write some more angst and pain. Here’s a fic that basically takes the first part of the trailer, and makes it WinterIron. Then kills Tony. You’ve been warned. Enjoy :)))))

-

Tony let out a slow, broken sigh. He leaned forward, body groaning in protest as Tony forced his fingers to cooperate, fiddling with the Iron Man helmet until it flickered on, lights scanning over him.

“Is this thing on?” Tony asked, breathing out another sigh. “Hey, Sergeant Barnes.” The formal name made Tony almost want to smile if he had the energy for it. Memories that felt thousands of years old pressed at the back of his mind, reminding him of a life that was already slipping between his fingers.

“Nice to meet you, Sergeant Barnes.” Tony tossed an absent smile towards Bucky’s direction from where he stood in the corner of the room, twitchy and nervous and refusing to leave Steve’s side.

“Bucky,” he forced out.

Tony glanced up. “Hm?”

“Just Bucky. My name of Bucky.” He pushed hair out of his face, blue eyes finally looking up to meet Tony’s gaze.

“I don’t know, I kinda like Sergeant Barnes.” Tony poured his cup of coffee. “It’s what I called you growing up when I had a poster of you on my wall.” Tony blinked. “Which is a bit embarrassing to say out loud, now that I think about it.”

Bucky frowned. “You… what?”

Tony shrugged. “Everyone else was big into Captain America. But I thought you were cooler. I collected your action figures. Probably still have them somewhere. Screw Steve -no offense, Cap- you were my hero when I was little.”

Bucky’s soft, shy little smile was one of the cutest things Tony had seen in a long time.

“If you find this recording, don’t feel bad about this.” Tony rested his head against the cool metal. He didn’t want Bucky to blame himself for Tony’s death. He wanted Bucky to find peace, happiness, even without Tony. “Part of the journey is the end.”

Even as Tony was coming to the end, he couldn’t help but think about the beginning. The beginning of Tony and Bucky being… well, Tony and Bucky. The first time they kissed. It felt like yesterday, it felt like the oldest memory Tony had. It felt like the only memory Tony had.

“You know, I’m flattered, but there are other ways to get my attention.” Tony arched an eyebrow at Bucky standing sheepishly in his lab, metal arm facing a way that was not at all natural.

“I was fighting Sam and I landed on it wrong,” Bucky insisted, but he had that same shy smile Tony was growing to love just a little too much.

Tony walked over to Bucky, inspecting the twisted metal. “You might as well let me build a new one, at this point. You really fucked yourself up, didn’t you?”

Bucky gave a lopsided shrug. “That’d be nice. I trust you with my body.”

“Is that an innuendo?” Tony arched an eyebrow with a playful grin.

Bucky laughed. God, it was a nice laugh. “Maybe,” he mumbled, so gently Tony almost didn’t hear it.

Tony blinked. Even he didn’t have an answer to that. He looked up at Bucky for a long moment. His hand reached up to brush Bucky’s bangs out of his face, showing off those goddamned gorgeous blue eyes.

And then Bucky kissed him. Hesitant and awkward at first, like he’d forgotten how to do it. But with guidance from Tony, they both melted into the perfect touch. Tony had kissed a lot of people -probably too many if he were honest- but this, this was perfect.

Bucky was perfect.

Tony looked around the spaceship, all broken and desolate metal. It looked as lonely as Tony felt. “Just for the record, being adrift in space with zero promise of rescue is more fun than it sounds.” Tony wasn’t really sure if he was trying to keep up his usual humor for Bucky’s sake, or his own.

“Food and water ran out four days ago.” Tony’s hands fiddled at his thighs, despite barely having the energy to even move. Old habits died hard, didn’t they? “Oxygen will run out tomorrow morning.” Food. Food would be nice right now, according to Tony’s stomach. Maybe one of Bucky’s pies.

“Have you always liked baking?” Tony asked, resting his chin on his hand as he watched his boyfriend peel apples. Boyfriend. God, it was nice to be able to call Bucky that.

Bucky smiled at him. “It was hard, in the 40s. We never had the stuff for it. But I always wanted to be a baker. Thought I’d get the chance when I got my payments from the military after the war.” He trailed off with pursed lips.

Tony jumped up from his kitchen stool, curling an arm around Bucky’s waist. “Well now you’ve got all the supplies you could want, and more than enough people to eat what you make.”

“Yeah.” Bucky smiled.

“I love you, cupcake,” Tony said. “Almost as much as I love your criminally delicious pies.”

Bucky arched a playful eyebrow. “Almost? I’m flattered, doll.”

“They are good pies.” Tony defended. “It’s like a slice of heaven.”

“Better than the slice of heaven that I gave you last night?” Bucky purred in his ear with a soft kiss to Tony’s temple.

Tony hummed. “Still unclear. I need to run more tests on both to be sure.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I love you too, sugar.”

The memories were enough to make Tony’s heart warm a bit, forget his impending doom. “That’ll be it.” Another quiet sigh. “When I drift off, I’ll dream of you,” Tony promised.

Dream of Bucky, pretend that he was asleep next to Bucky, in their bed, together. Hell, Tony didn’t even need the bed, just Bucky. They never needed a bed. More memories only made Tony ache now. They were a reminder that it was all Bucky was going to have left of Tony. Memories. “It’s always you.”

Tony found Bucky on the roof of the Avengers Tower, staring up at the starry night.

“Hey.” Tony sat down next to Bucky. “What’s up?”

Bucky glanced at him, eyes flickering with worry. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just had a bad dream. Needed to think.”

“Well, then we can sit and think together.” Tony wiggled himself under Bucky’s arm, snuggling into his touch. “Because no matter what you’re going through, I’m here to do it with you.”

“Why?” Bucky looked actually confused, eyebrows drew together.

Tony stared at him. “Because it’s you. It’s always been you. Everything important in my life just seems to lead to you. And I’m not one to fight fate, sweetheart. I’m here with you until you get rid of me. Or I die a horrific and gruesome death.”

Bucky made a face. “Don’t talk like that.” He shook his head. “I need you too, okay? Please don’t talk like that.”

“I need you too,” Tony promised.

Bucky settled down on the roof so that they were lying down in a tangled mess of limbs, staring at the stars until they fell asleep. Together with the stars watching them, protecting them. Beautiful.

Tony turned off the helmet.

Tony looked out the window at the stars. They used to be beautiful. Made Tony safe and warm with his heart amongst them every time he thought about Bucky.

But now, they were only a reminder that he was alone.

Tony had hoped that fate would be kind enough to let him die in his sleep. Unfortunately, not even in death could Tony be that lucky.

Instead, Tony woke up gasping. It was strange, to be dying from a lack of oxygen while still breathing in air. He’d been choked before, knew what the desperate burn in his lungs felt like when he was denied the ability to breathe.

This was different though. Tony’s body kept gasping and panting, but nothing was happening. His head started to hurt, body straining for air. The adrenaline that had Tony shaking was useless, too much energy with nowhere to go, only using up the traces of oxygen he had left even faster.

Tony’s vision started to fuzz around the edges. He had to blink hard to keep the black from taking over everything, claiming his sight.

“Tony?”

The voice. Bucky’s voice. Tony didn’t have enough brain power to question it. He was hallucinating. It was what it was. Just proof that he was getting even closer to death. Minutes, maybe even seconds away now.

“Oh my god, Tony.”

The voice was stronger now. So strong that Tony could even feel a phantom hand on his shoulder trying to shake him. Tony closed his eyes. It wasn’t that bad, really. At least he could pretend Bucky was with him in his last moments.

Bucky. Tony loved Bucky. He wanted that to be his last thought.

Loving Bucky.

Bucky.

“Tony, look at me.”

Tony opened his eyes when his chest didn’t burn anymore out of pure confusion. There was a bright light all around him, grass underneath his knees. And-

And Bucky, standing right in front of him.

“Hey cupcake,” Tony slurred, staring up at Bucky.

Bucky smiled. It seemed oddly sad, for some reason. He hugged Tony, pulling him so tight that Tony was surrounded by the scent of Bucky. “Tony.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s me.” Tony hugged Bucky back. “I’m here.” He pulled back frowning. “Which is… where is here, again?”

“You… god, Tony.” Bucky ran a hand through his hair. “This is… soul world. That’s what Strange called it. It’s where all the dead are. You’re dead, Tony.”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, well, death does tend to happen when one’s spaceship runs out of oxygen-” He stopped, eyes widening. “Oh. Oh no. Oh god no.” Tony stumbled backward, rubbing his face. “Oh god.”

“Sweetheart?” Bucky reached out for him, a gentle hand on Tony’s cheek that was meant to be comforting, but only made Tony’s gut twist even more.

“That means you’re dead too.” The words were hollow on Tony’s tongue.

Bucky nodded, sighing. “Yeah, I died in the snap.”

It… it shouldn’t have been that surprising. Half of the universe, right? Bucky, everyone had a 50/50 chance. Tony should’ve thought about that. Should’ve prepared himself for that realization.

But after watching the Guardians die, after feeling Peter turn to dust in his arms, Tony didn’t want to think about the idea that others he cared about were likely dead too. He forced the thought away, drove it out of his conscious. Tony needed something to fight for. Needed the thought of coming home to Bucky to fuel him enough to try to get him off of that damned planet.

After all, it had almost worked. Kind of. Barely.

Tony didn’t realize he was shaking until Bucky had taken him into his arms, rubbing Tony’s back.

“I’m sorry,” Tony whispered. “I’m so sorry.

“It’s not your fault,” Bucky said, kissing his temple. “It’s no one’s fault. Strange said that we might get brought back, all of us. We’ve still got a chance.”

Tony shook his head. He didn’t have anything else to say. What else could he say?

Half the universe was gone. He didn’t have it in him to be optimistic anymore. The universe had stolen his spirit, taken away any of the fight he had left. All he could do was sit in Bucky’s arms, shaking.

His dead lover’s arm. Because Bucky was dead. Tony was dead. They were all dead.

Tony laughed bitterly. He got his wish though, didn’t he? He was with Bucky again.  They were together.

Til death did them part, right?

Being a Black Girl and Finding Love

l o fucking l 

impossible

the last time i posted on this blog i was 18, 3 weeks away from leaving my hometown to pursue music in London and upset because my white friends didn’t understand the basics of cultural appropriation. 

here i am, back almost a whole year later. 

im 19 now, im a singer songwriter living in London, with an amazing group of diverse friends who understand each other and really have eachother’s backs. the last few months have been crazy for me, and i’ve experienced and learned about different parts of myself that i never knew existed because of how suppressed i was in my home environment until i moved. 

one of these things that i never really knew that well about myself, was how much i could feel for one person. 

growing up, i never really had much luck in the guy department. all my friends were white, and pretty, and most of the time i was the only black girl which, automatically, in society’s eyes- made me the ugly friend. it’s a statement that i know will make whoever reads this gasp. how can i call myself the ugly friend just because i’m the only black girl in the group? the same way our white as fuck society upholds euro-centric beauty standards and gives us warped depictions of what beautiful should be. beautiful in our modern day society means skinny, white and with long hair. its 2019, so this is not as rigid as it used to be, but growing up, it didn’t take long for me to realise that i was not what was desired by any of the guys me or other girls had their eyes on. 

not that boys are the be all and end all of life, but we can all agree that as young teenage girls, developing your first crush was a pretty big part of life. and the need to feel desired, and loved, and wanted will always be a big part of the human condition. and this isn’t something i’ve always had the pleasure of experiencing growing up as a young girl the way i watched my other friends have. 

i’ll spare you the long emotional details of childhood trauma when it comes to accepting myself and not letting whether white boys think i’m cute or not decide my value, i’ll just cut straight to what’s been keeping me up at 2am for the past 6 months.

two characteristics. 

capricorn with green eyes.  

i met him randomly at some music networking event and i always think about how weird it was that we somehow met in the first place. i was supposed to have gone home 10 minutes before, picked up an angry call from my dad telling me to go straight home even though he was a whole plane ride away. and my friend - let’s call her ellie, was outraged. “it’s only ten o’ clock you can’t leave”. she sounded stressed, to say the least. so, i didn’t. and 10 minutes later, i bump into him. 

fuck him. 

pretty smile, pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty laugh and he liked lorde and brockhampton. i was doomed from the start quite honestly. 

we exchanged instagrams, he invited me to some event he was putting on and this open mic in shoreditch that he and his friends always went to. and the rest was history that i cant ever seem to properly let go of. 

i started going to this shit every week just to see him, and after a couple months started developing a little crush, which after an invitation to some house parties, 2am voice memo conversations, supposed songs written about me (maybe), lingering looks, and a lot of conversations about astrology spiralled into me having full blown feelings for his pretentious ass. and it’s worse because he was never just a stupid boy. he was everything that i had always asked the universe for. i always said, that if the universe ever decided to send me my first boyfriend, that i wanted him to be educated in social issues, intelligent, motivated. capricorn was this. 

it’s just a shame that he probably didn’t feel the same way. 

i’ve been holding out hope for the longest time that maybe, just maybe, this time, i could finally be the girl that a guy looks at and says “yo, i want her.” the girl that someone looks at and sees something they could love. i wanted to experience the feeling of having someone reciprocate your feelings, and being in a relationship, and learning and growing with eachother. i wanted to have my first kiss and all these other things i dreamt up in my head because that’s what my scorpio ass does best; dreams. 

for once, i wanted to be that girl. the girl that’s desired. and not just desired but desired enough that someone truly starts to pursue me. 

let me cut to the chase and tell you that didn’t happen here. 

i let myself over-analyze, i blamed myself, wondered what i was doing wrong, how i could be “cooler”, if i was “cool enough” to even be with someone like him; that was my first mistake, putting some boy on a pedestal because i was lonely and touch-starved. scorpio ass behaviour. 

i let myself get sad when he wouldn’t text, or when he wouldn’t reply how i wanted. when he wouldn’t give me back the same energy i gave to him. i let myself get angry when i would show up to events to support him and he would dissapear for hours or flirt with other girls. because what the fuck? wasn’t i the one? i’m supposed to be the one. it’s my turn to be the one that somebody wants. why did the universe keep dangling something in front of me that i clearly couldn’t have? 

i thought that when i moved, everything would be different and somehow the stars would align and i would meet a boy that would finally make me “the one”. finally, i would get to experience everything my friends did while i sat on the sidelines and wished i had what they did. 

nah though, that’s not how shit works for girls like me apparently. 

girls like me lead ourselves on, the boys don’t even have to do any work. 

girls like me bask in the smidge of attention our crush gives us because we thrive off of the hope that somehow, maybe, possibly, they could feel the exact same way we have for so long and that eventually everything will come out and it will be a happy ending. 

but what happens when none of that shit goes to plan? 

i uploaded some random track that i was pretty proud of, it wasnt an official release so i wasnt really expecting a wide response. and i had been training myself not to expect anything from capricorn so i wouldn’t get hurt. but i couldn’t help the feeling i got when i realized that he didn’t share my song on instagram - which - i know, petty. but it was really the principle that got to me. 

i’ve been so supportive of this guy for the longest time. i would always ask about his projects, current and upcoming, hype him up over the littlest things but very rarely did he ever even ask me about what i had planned or about my day, anything he posted relating to his music, i would repost. i would message him saying congratulations, or that his song was fire or that he was just doing a really good job. i’d come to his shows and do the same. and he couldn’t even repost a track on his instagram feed? why? too worried about looking cool and professional for his all his lowkey famous edgy hipster friends?

something switched inside me, really, i just got angry. anger is the key for me a lot of the time. and it helped me realize, as much as it fucking hurt, that i wasn’t and would never get the same energy back from capricorn, no matter how hard i tried. no matter how much or how little i posted. regardless of how i analyzed the lyrics of his songs that i thought were about me, or the content of his instagram posts or his messages back. i would never get what i was putting in. and i still don’t know why.

 i don’t know why i never seem to be enough for the ones i truly want. but then did i really want him or the idea of him? regardless, i get neither at the end of the day. and that shit hurts, because this time, i let my hopes get higher and higher. 

and boy is it a long way down.

my minds gone through many phases when it comes to him, but i think im finally at the point where im just accepting the fact that he doesnt want me even though i want him.

so bad.

and maybe its the 3am talking, but i dont think anybody will ever want me in the way i want them. 

one time when i was 15, one of my friends said she couldn’t ever imagine me in a relationship. i cant either. 

maybe i’m unlovable, maybe love and relationships just aren’t supposed to be a thing for someone like me. 

i don’t really know if i believe in love anymore- which i know seems a bit dramatic all because of one guy but please understand its really an accumulation of things over the past few years of my growth. 

nothing the universe has given me or shown me tells me that i could ever find love in any place i look. 

so, i’m just going to stop looking. 

and i’m going to stop hoping, and manifesting, and wishing on 11:11′s, and on stars that i’m too far away to reach. 

and i’m going to stop opening my heart to every person who glances at it and smiles. 

and i’m going to stop giving the best version of myself to boys who wont even give me a quarter of what they are. 

and i’m going to stop thinking like just because i’ve moved countries that things have changed for me. 

and i’m going to accept that love isn’t something that was made for me. 

it never was.

at least now i know for sure. 

Let’s Read Victory of Eagles; the Prepare to Cry About William Laurence Edition

earlier temeraire let’s reads (yes I’m sticking with it)

- oh man starting with temeraire’s pov is such a good call, I don’t know if I could take getting plunged straight into laurence’s misery without some (very slight) levity first 

- lol and also crey @ laurence gently reminding these young guys how to keep him prisoner 

- temeraire on his way to revolutionize dragon politics after one damn month... I’m so proud ;___; on the other hand him thinking laurence is dead is... nope not processing this laurence is fine let’s not worry about it

- SURPRISE THARKAY! BEST KIND OF SURPRISE 

looool he just keeps coming to get laurence and finding him embroiled in some fresh catastrophe... I’m sorry ur bro is in another castle/war camp/ship wreck/prison tharkay you’re a champ for tracking him down again and again

- He has a new birb!!! good stuff. this part of them walking through the quiet ruined town is really striking too

- laurence feels like he can be just himself for the first time in months huh... cool cool cool

- “You and Temeraire would be welcome in other parts of the world. You may recall there is some semblance of civilization,” he added dryly, “in a few places, beyond the borders of England.”

fsdakhfdasdfsaflj a) I love him so much b) I  g u e s s  Tharkay kind of just asked Laurence to run away with him in his low-key sardonic way... super triple extra cool cool cool extremely admirable even if he and everyone else in the world knows it to be doomed 

resting his hand on his shoulder because he knows Laurence is gonna be Laurence about this... yeah okay just punch me in the heart

- tfw the guy you sort of have a thing for is determined to get himself killed for a government you feel exactly zero personal loyalty to and now you have to watch his back 🙄

- lol laurence is like ‘I’m not gonna start a fistfight’ 

five minutes later: granby pulls laurence out of a fistfight he started because someone talked shit about his dragon

- aw demane and sipho! good boys bein’ good boys 

- temeraire reciting principia mathematica to himself and changing his voice so he can pretend it’s laurence reading to him... that is under the belt naomi novik that is just mean

(all the funnier/more heartbreaking for knowing laurence has no fucking idea what he’s reading out loud when it comes to that book and would never have touched it if temeraire didn’t love it so much)

- “Oh,” Temeraire said, and sat back on his haunches. He was not quite sure what to say. “I am very sorry?” he offered, uncertainly. He supposed it must be very unpleasant to be a coward.

fjfjghfgj how is he so darling

- tbh perscitia is very much me when it comes to fighting; I too am small and slow and cripplingly overly aware of all the ways things can go wrong which everyone seems happy to overlook

- as a professional tharkay spotter: he is in fact present in the proceedings right now, he arrived at the same time as granby and had one (1) line of dialogue! I am not sure why everyone’s talking about this napoleon fella instead of specifying to me what precise dragon he hitched a ride with or what kind of babysitter arrangement he has put in place for his birb but y’know I’ll take what I can get

(there is a peculiar sort of satisfaction in getting reeeeaaal attached to a side character; this reminds me a lot of being nine and scrupulously scanning every page of a harry potter book for mentions of sirius, no matter how peripheral or inconsequential) 

- all of temeraire’s dragons are pure gold tbh, I especially like majestatis and his laconic competency (I may have a type)

- temeraire not getting why laurence isn’t responding to him quite as he should and laurence basically getting his affairs in order... William Laurence if you break both our hearts I will never fucking forgive you this is my stern voice

- adding a second (and tonally very different) pov is such a genius move at this point in the story; it really breathes new life into everything. 

- lady allendale is the real mvp, you can really see a lot of laurence’s good sides in a straight line from her to him

- oooooooooooooooooooooh roland dropping some truth bombs on laurence for being so very very honorable and so very very dumb

thank you jane I guess at least he’s pretty

- having to read laurence trying to convince all the people who love him to basically let him kill himself is extremely upsetting and I Do Not Care for it

- temeraire absent-mindedly putting ‘coming up with some way to let laurence live as long as me’ on his ‘to do’ list is Everything

but also he doesn’t even realize how wrong things are with his captain and I want to curl up in a ball. no bb no one is going to take him but he’s halfway through taking himself out :(

(I will say that there’s something about laurence’s incredible inflexibility and self loathing that is very relatable, which is probably why I’m so mad at him and also so scared for him. incidentally one of hanzo’s traits I really identify with. anyway onwards)

- ah of course granby was kidnapped I was wondering when something bad would happen to him in this book

- “You are not obliged -- ” Laurence began.

“No,” Tharkay agreed civilly, with one raised brow, and Laurence bowed and left it there. 

fdsfdklsalkjhfkjasdhfjkadshdsfhksdfjakh how... how can anyone be so impossibly lovely and so sarcastic in one word... my heart feels so full

but also ow b/c I think tharkay does see the state laurence is in and it must be extremely stressful to look out for all the swords your bro is determined to throw himself on 

- oF ALL THE DOORSTEPS IN ALL OF LONDON THEY HAD TO END UP AT LAURENCE’S EX’S how many mirrors has this poor man broken to end up here 

- oh uh wow I think I just murdered woolvey’s shitty racist ass with my mind I never even knew I had the power

- Tharkay seeming to suss out the whole Situation here at a glance... *prayer hands emoji*

-  Tharkay shook his head, and when Laurence looked at him said quietly: “It must be difficult to follow an officer of public repute, in the affections of a woman who loves courage.”

...

“My reputation is hardly one any sensible man would covet.”

“It does not name you a coward,” Tharkay said. “Whatever has Bertram Woolvey done?”

as observed completely impartially except for that one awful enormous crush he is developing lol

- oh no... woolvey died... this is... terrible.... *insert ‘shocked’ captain kirk reaction image here*

okay it does put edith in a genuinely awful situation, which super sucks. everything around her is like the one part of laurence’s self loathing that is sort of justified: he’s been making her life so much harder for so long. first she had to worry about her not-even-husband-yet getting lost at sea and he seems pretty emotionally distant, for all that he can be sweet, then he adopts a dragon and she is SUCH AN AFTERTHOUGHT to him in that process (because, as I have discussed earlier, william laurence should just not ask people to marry him b/c he never. actually. means. it. he just thinks he should I think)

and then, after finally disentangling herself emotionally from that she manages to marry a dude who’s a twit, but a twit who by all appearances treats her well and she’s happy -- and then Laurence shows up for three fucking hours and her HUSBAND IS SHOT DEAD 

most of laurence’s guilt is the useless self-flagellation of depression, but in this one case I’m a bit more ‘yeah okay valid bro’

- Laurence’s tendency to describe, in minute detail, what some dude is wearing even under the most dire of circumstances is so endearing. (also he barely ever does it with women; usually it’s like ‘and she was wearing idk a dress?’ lol)

- laurence’s superpower is inspiring people’s affection and loyalty and then wondering why they’re all not cool with him throwing himself off a cliff

- is tharkay like basically a scottish lord on his dad’s side and has been fucked over by either the system or the rest of his family. are you fucking kidding me jfksadflsadfj

- oh. oh okay that’s the king that’s super extra salt in the wound for our golden boy :I

- NOOOOOOOOOOO TEMERAIRE THINKS LAURENCE MIGHT BE ANGRY WITH HIM!!!!!! LAURENCE YOU BEAUTIFUL USELESS DUMBASS PLEASE SNAP OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSION LONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOUR DRAGON SON YOU’RE NOT ANGRY WITH HIM OR SO HELP ME I’LL... CRY AT YOU I GUESS

- okay so this is all very bleak and... borderline war crime-y and laurence is clearly In A Bad Way but also demane has just put every scrap of clothing he could find on his little brother, who now can barely walk for all the layers but is presumably nice and warm, and my heart is doing strange things in my chest

- “Laurence, what are you doing?” 

*ELMO SURROUNDED IN FLAMES GIF* MY BOY THARKAY BEING THE REAL MVP ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS

this whole scene is so brief but so good fkdslahfaklsdhfaskld laurence literally slipping back out of dissociation and noticing the smells and sounds around him again... this is So Much, tharkay you fucking miracle of a man  

- there is something incredibly interesting about how laurence is just viscerally terrified by the things tharkay seems to represent to him -- that’s at least twice now that he’s thought straight out, in pretty much the same words, that tharkay’s way of living seems achingly lonely and untethered and frightening to him. (the first time is in black powder war, just as he’s about to give the offer of friendship that tharkay seems equal parts confused and touched by lol) laurence has this intense need to be part of something bigger than himself and doesn’t trust himself to know what’s right (...even tho he’ll historically still occasionally go off and do The Right Thing despite orders anyway because he’s a beautiful idiot), while tharkay obviously puts freedom and autonomy faaaar above any of that (understandably, from his background lol) 

and still it’s exactly this dude who woke laurence up to himself again and reminded him who he really is. this is the man he knew he’d be ‘sorrier to lose than yet I know’ and gooooddamn if he wasn’t right about that. I’m not ready to be coherent about it yet but uh wow this is A Lot

- the way novik writes laurence dissociating is. a bit too close to home, I’m not thrilled about this haha 

- LAURENCE IS TALKING TO HIS DRAGON SON AGAIN AND I CAN FINALLY BREATHE THANK YOU THARKAY

- also let me specify that tharkay coming in and ending laurence’s breakdown by just showing him that he, y’know. doesn’t have to commit borderline war crimes if he doesn’t want to is... yeah. when he’s like ‘yeah no bro I like you and all but this is fucked up I’m out’ and Laurence slowly puts the pieces together and goes ‘...that... is an option? F U C K’  is the Good Stuff (I’m being flippant about it but also I really mean it lol)  

- temeraire is giving the french uniforms the side eye for being boring and admiring the kilts... god bless him, focusing on the real things on the eve of battle

- gOD lien is so fucking COOL, celestial who actually knows wtf she’s doing OP pls nerf

ETA: also I’ve looked up some spoilers for the rest of this series (b/c there’s a couple of characters now who I’m so attached to that if they die I don’t even fucking care anymore lol), and apparently they never get to fight lien/meet her for too long again and can I just say... What The Fuck, why would you come up with such a compelling antagonist and not use her???  

- Tharkay, straight(hah)-faced: yeah I’m coming with you to australia on this prison ship nbd just curious about it that’s all 

Laurence, blinking back tears, barely getting the words out: cool bro 

(I think laurence has been like. crying or on the verge of crying in every single scene he and tharkay have been alone in this entire book. tharkay saw laurence through an ugly ugly divorce (with the government of england if not the land) and is still going with him to fucking australia. that’s how you know it’s love tbh, he’s done for)

also for the meme: AND THEY WERE SHIPMATES! OH MY GOD THEY WERE SHIPMATES!

ALSO also: tharkay getting granby a drink fdsafjsalkdjfh best boy, best friend 

- not connected to anything but I do appreciate that laurence is a rare extremely extroverted protagonist. he just really needs people around him and sort of wilts when he’s isolated, whether by circumstance or his own Stuff.  

- Oh man I really liked this one! the pacing worked better than the last one, the dual pov really shook things up, the new dragon characters were cool and Laurence had a lot of character development that has been in the cards since book 1, even if it was really upsetting while it happened. and Tharkay was there a lot, which is the surest way to my heart at this point, to be fair. 

hi! i love fics where stiles can use magic but i've literally worked through your entire magic stiles tag. do yall have any new recommendations! thanks!!!

Oh boy, you’re in for a ride!

MAGIC STILES FIC LIST OF DOOM

Melt Together by SmallBirds

A supernatural heatwave has descended upon Beacon Hills, much to Stiles’ chagrin.

First Impressions by Kedreeva

Derek is a teacher at an all-werewolf school after the revolution. After seeing one of his students, Erica, get into a car with an unknown runecaster, Derek begins to suspect something terrible is going on.

No One Could Love You More by MellytheHun

Stiles begrudgingly comes to Derek’s rescue during a coven-hunt, thinking Derek needs a regular, common healing only to find he may lose Derek and anything they could have been.

i’m the alpha by triggeringthehealing

“I don’t care about power. Not anymore.”Looking back at what he said once, and what the truth was before he did, only the first part of his words was ever completely true.

To Ashes by triggeringthehealing

It’s nothing but tiny black particles of dust, staining his hands — he remembers how it took weeks to get the colour out of his skin after the time at Jungle.

All Is Lost Again (But I’m Not Giving In) by coppersin

The nightmares aren’t real. They can’t possibly be real. But people keep dying and Stiles is genuinely losing his mind. And he can’t seem to open his mouth and just tell someone.

Your Mark on My Skin by pterawaters

Despite everyone telling him not to, Stiles takes his wizard’s vision seriously and tattoos the image from his dream onto his wrist. When he runs across a man with the same symbol emblazoned on his back, Stiles knows he can’t let the mysterious stranger get away. Maybe it’s wrong to use the werewolf’s fugitive status against him, but Stiles knows he only has one option. If he gives Derek a disguise, but doesn’t bind the spell to himself, there’s nothing else to keep Derek from running away at the first opportunity. Of course Stiles had to pick the one obscure face that Lord Jackson knew from his childhood. In a land run by a king bent on killing all the werewolves he can find, the only way to keep Lord Jackson from asking questions is for Derek to play Stiles’ lover. Once that happens, well maybe the situation starts to get out of control.

Your Smile Gets Me Higher Than an Airplane Ever Could by crossroadswrite

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Scott tries diplomatically, “the Hales are still waiting for Derek and Laura. Apparently they’re on the same plane home as Stiles.”

“Hot Hale Twins are coming back?” Stiles says a little surprised.

–OR–

The one where it’s very late, Stiles is stucked in an airport and bored out of his mind until he bumps into Laura Hale. And then into her Hot Twin Brother Derek Hale.

There’s handholding and a little bit of magic involved, it’s all pretty gross.

The Boy Who Drew Wolves by dr_girlfriend

“Once upon a time,” Stiles began, and Thomas sighed happily, resting his cheek in the hollow of Stiles’ shoulder. “There was a gangly, clumsy, freckle-faced young boy, and a beautiful, majestic wolf —”

“You mean, there was a beautiful, brilliant, amber-eyed boy, and a half-starved, mangy-looking wolf,” a voice interrupted. “It looks like I made it just in time, huh?” Derek said with a conspiratorial smirk at Thomas. “Gotta make sure you tell it right.”

“Yeah, Daddy!” Thomas parroted. “Tell it right!”

“Okay, okay,” Stiles sighed, settling his arm across Thomas with his hand resting on his husband’s waist, thumb drawing an absent-minded little circle. “Once upon a time, there was a probably-going-to-grow-into-his-looks-just-fine young boy, and a very lonely wolf…”

Red by Littleredridinghunter

When Stiles was eight his mother died. When Stiles was ten his father was shot and he was taken into child services. Stiles never made it to eleven.

The Hale pack survives Kate but she has plans to come back and take revenge.

When another pack contacts the Hales for help, they go, despite the fact the Alpha is crazy and his mate is a monster.

safe and sound by thepsychicclam

When the Pack is attacked by an enemy Pack, Stiles and Derek end up on the run, in a stolen car, and spend the night in a crappy motel.

sparks by thepsychicclam

Derek is a librarian at one of the few supernatural universities in the country, and his student worker turns out to be none other than grad student Stiles. And it doesn’t take long before they start dating. Stiles is a gifted spark, but he keeps hanging out with people who are into dark magic, and Derek’s worried.

Sometimes It Just Works by MellytheHun

“Fic where, in a fit of post-break-up, drunken depression, stiles throws together a truly pathetic love spell (really, Lydia would be so unimpressed she’d probably disband their weekly magic lessons) in an attempt to find the perfect partner.

But, like everything else in Stiles’ life (and as proof to how much joy the universe gets pulling one over on him) everything goes horribly wrong and instead of the feathery light, rose petal path he’d been expecting to appear and lead him to his true love, a half naked man with harlequin biceps and a beard that could rival most lumber jacks appears in his minimalist studio apartment looking grumpy and endearingly confused.

Cue Stiles’ imminent freak out that includes shoving the man in his hall closet because “Oh my god, I manifested a burly mountain man out of thin air!!”

When really, the spell had just transported Derek from whatever secluded cabin he’d been holed up in for the last few years right into Stiles’ life.”

Stiles Stilinski, Magical PI by suzvoy

Stiles is a Private Investigator, only not really. He’s also magical, but only close up. One thing he’s really good at is lusting over people from afar, which is why it’s a problem when Laura Hale hires him to help her brother.

Where Lightning Strikes by andavs

Scott finally held out his phone, showing whichever picture he decided was the best. Stiles squint-glared at that and waited for his foggy brain to catch up. When it did, his heart skipped a beat.

Burned into the wheat field, in a way Stiles was pretty sure was notnormal for crop circles, were two concentric circles.

McCall Pack.

“I think it’s Kira,” Scott said, clear and concise. “I think she needs help.“

*

Scott and Stiles head back down to Mexico to find Kira and end up finding a little more.

As the Lights Go Down by standinginanicedress

Stiles is standing there looking bizarre – which maybe isn’t a very nice thing or even a convincing thing to say about a person that Derek’s basically invited over to hook up with (whatever that even fucking means to kids these days) – but he…does. He’s wearing dark jeans, a black hoodie with the hood pulled up so Derek can’t even really see his face aside from his mouth and jawline, and he’s got that metal baseball bat in his fingers again.

He looks like he’s come here to literally beat Derek to death.

Then, he grins, lifts one shoulder up in a half shrug, and says, “I can’t come in until you invite me.”

Derek is mystified enough that all he can say is, “really?” He thought that was a vampire thing.

clenching my jagged jaws (over the capture) by Marishna

Derek Hale was never supposed to be alpha, but he’s a good one. He doesn’t need any help and he definitely doesn’t need an emissary.

Stiles Stilinski is Derek Hale’s emissary and come hell or high water he’s going to see the Hale pack through the impending arrival of the alpha pack, even if it means he can never return to Beacon Hills after.

Hale Monster Sweets by bleep0bleep

The guy is back again. Derek watches curiously from his counter, idly keeping an eye on the teenaged vampires trying to decide on a type from the blood popsicle selection. The guy outside the store is a little pale and lanky, with a cute upturned nose and a sprinkle of moles on his pale face, not that Derek didn’t notice the first time he stopped in the middle of the bustling street to stare at Derek’s store sign, which he wasn’t supposed to be able to do.

[Hilary Duff Lyric Redacted] by calrissian18

Stiles hadn’t been in Beacon Hills in five years, hadn’t seen Derek in nearly as long, when he got the text:

New number: (+530) 365-2421

or

An abundance of overeating and geekery, dangerous caffeine/sugar cereal addictions, surprise werewolves, bird insults, purple-eyed shrimp, reincarnated serial killers (it’s cool, he has a leash), poorly played professional baseball, and a love story. In that order.

the spark within by triggeringthehealing

Stiles is more than just a spark, but when he starts learning magic, it feels like there’s something stopping him. He has magic in him, but despite the guidance from two experienced Druids, it still feels like it’s failing to wake up. He’s magic, but the spark that he needs is out of reach.

Blackbird by skoosiepants

Stiles groans and drops his face into his hands. “I’m seventeen, I can kind of use mountain ash and I can explode houses when I’m mad enough. How am I gonna win any kind of magic fight?”

“We’ll work on it,” Deaton says, as infuriatingly calm as ever. “The important thing to remember, Stiles, is that when everything else is chaos, you’re the port in the storm.”

Or-

Laura Hale never died, and Stiles is magic.

Everything Under the Moon by standinginanicedress

“Just go in and buy him something and attach a note that says, like, I don’t know,” she flips a curl over her shoulder, “let’s bone.”

Derek looks up at the sky and purses his lips. Doesn’t dignify that with a response. There’s no way in hell Derek is going to attach some dinky little note to Stiles’ gift that is either as crass as Erica’s suggestion or as humiliating as something he could come up with himself – no fucking way in hell.

But she does have a point. Stiles’ birthday is coming and Derek is shit out of luck and shit out of ideas for ways to make Stiles see him as anything more than just Derek. The way Stiles looks at him sometimes, it’s like he has no fucking idea.

Striking Matches by castielblues & eeyore9990

Stiles has only ever wanted to protect his family and his pack. That’s not easy to do when you’re human and sarcasm is your only defense. Now Deaton is telling Stiles he’s a spark, and if that’s a weapon in his arsenal, he’s sure as hell going to learn to use it.

All Stiles needs now, to complete his transformation into a true badass, is a training montage and a decent soundtrack…

Medicine Man by MellytheHun

Prompt: Person B knowing they’re undoubtedly about to die within the next few seconds, likely from the gaping wound they’re bleeding out from. Instead of calling for help, they phone Person A and carry on a casual conversation as if nothing is wrong, making sure to mention how much they love them before their time runs out.

Night Owl (series) by Lissadiane

Confession: Stiles is afraid of having magic.

The Spark had been cool. It had been small, manageable. He could do some funky stuff with Mountain Ash, all with the power of belief.

And now here he is, his Spark blown wide open, apparently coming down with a fatal case of magical overload, and all that stands between him and bleeding out is a grumpy owl that looks suspiciously like a feathered version of Derek Hale.

(In which Stiles learns he’s a witch, but instead of a wand and a trip to Diagon Alley, he gets blood magic, a grumpy and reluctant owl as his companion, and an accidental blood bond with Derek Hale.)

bend bridges, mend bones by Thealmostrhetoricalquestion

They burst through the portal in a gust of stale air and violet light, landing hard on the outskirts of a swamp. Stiles feels his knees buckle, both from the magic required to keep the portal open and from the force of their landing, but he grits his teeth, determined to stay standing in the presence of Derek Hale and his pack. Christ, it would be just his luck to rocket through his own portal at neck-breaking speeds and collide face-first with a puddle of sticky, disgusting mud.

Thankfully that doesn’t happen, which is good because Stiles can’t really afford to add useless to the list of things that Mage’s are; untrustworthy cowards, meddlers, monsters.

(In which there’s an awful lot of fighting, people learn to trust people, and Stiles saves the day. Repeatedly. Over and over again. And he would like some credit, goddamnit, Derek.)

Birdhouse In Your Soul by asocialfauxpas

Stiles’ magic is growing out of control and he must bond with a supernatural creature to keep from exploding. Yes, seriously.

And We’ll Be Complicated by ingberry

Stiles already had his hands full with the case he was working on for the enigmatic Mrs. B. He really didn’t need this too, but there was no changing the fact that he no longer remembered Derek Hale or anything connected to him. And no one could figure out why.

All My Kingdoms Turn to Sand by elisera

The real question is what Stiles wants. If he’s looking forward to seeing Derek again because they’ll complete what they started a long time ago or if Stiles is nervous because he’s feeling apprehensive. There’s a real possibility that he told the pack to finally send Derek up in order to tell him thanks, but no thanks. A lot can happen in six years; people change and grow apart and it isn’t like they were allowed to talk.

Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by whiskey_in_tea

Stiles leaves Beacon Hills on a Sunday morning. Lydia’s run the numbers and it’s not a sure thing by any stretch of the imagination, but supernatural evil seems mostly inclined to take the Lord’s day to rest just like humans do. He won’t make it back before Monday night but that’s okay, unless whatever comes after them is the actual apocalypse they should be all right— and if it’s the apocalypse his meager skills won’t be of much use anyway. Just go, Scott said while Stiles and Lydia dithered over lunar calendars and statistics, charts and graphs of every awful thing that’s rolled through Beacon Hills since they activated the Nemeton ten months ago. Who the fuck knows what’s coming, Stiles, you just have to go.

Among the Famous Living Dead by standinginanicedress

“Okay,” Stiles leans over the book, finger on his chin, while Derek stands there beside him with a frown on his face, “we have the pig’s blood.”

“They loved that at the butcher shop,” Derek mutters, rubbing his hand along his jaw. “I’ll take three quarts of pig’s blood. Not like this town doesn’t already think I’m some sort of fucking pervert anyway.”

“We have the hair you picked off his clothes,” Stiles points to the tiny Ziploc bag with a handful of Scott hairs tucked safely inside, and Derek grimaces. “We have the candles. We have the snake. Now we just need an object of the deceased.” He furrows his brow as he leans over the book some more, cocking his head. “It says the object can be anything that was deeply personal to the deceased. Like a piece of sentimental jewelry or a cherished trinket or even a favorite song.”

Derek snorts. “Yeah. Let’s just listen to fucking Blink-182 and summon the devil.”

“Right?” Stiles laughs, high and hysterical, manic almost.

Derek laughs, and Stiles laughs, and it’s not funny. It’s really not funny.

Aching for You by LittleRedEmissary

When Stiles tries to cast a protection spell on Derek and accidentally casts a spell much stronger than either of them expected, the duo has to relearn everything that they’ve learned about protecting the pack, because the old methods won’t do anymore. With the infamous Winchesters coming to town Derek hopes that the hunters will just drive through town, but the pack has never been good that laying low.

Emissary by dragon_temeraire

To keep the peace, Stiles agrees to be emissary to the Hale pack.

In Which a King and a Mage Dance by mikkimouse

Mage Stilinski sidled up next to him. “I thought I told you to call me Stiles, Your Majesty.”

Derek’s face warmed at the memory. He turned his attention back to the crowd. “I’m afraid now is not the place for such familiarity.”

“Such a shame,” Stiles said. “I do so love familiarity.”

The warmth on Derek’s face turned to heat. “I’m sure you do.”

By Fang and Fury (series) by grimm

He doesn’t come to The Beacon to pick up people. It’s precisely the reason why he doesn’t go anywhere else. People in this neighborhood know him, know he’s not interested in being hit on, which allows him to have a drink in peace. Derek knows he’s good-looking, but the type of people it attracts disgust him. At least other werewolves can smell the unfriendliness on him and stay away, but that doesn’t stop everyone. He went to a gay bar with his coworker Isaac once and it was horrifying.

Like James Dean, Only Sadder by 42hrb

The star of the Beacon Hills High School baseball team and Beacon Hills resident bad boy probably have nothing in common, right?

Deputy Derek Hale, Alpha by eldee

Deputy Derek Hale has recently become an alpha, and that changes things for him. Now that he’s back after a leave of absence, he’s hoping to get what he and Stiles had almost-started back on track. The thing is, it seems Stiles is going through some changes of his own and Derek’s not sure how he fits.

Fall Right Back to You (series) by yodasyoyo

My version of season 4 (which I still haven’t watched) and how Derek and Stiles finally fell for each other.

Clarity is told from Stiles POV: After his possession by the Nogitsune he is consumed by guilt and plagued by nightmares. Then he touches a magical artifact and ends up absorbing Derek into his subconscious.

Remedy is told from Dereks POV: In the aftermath of Clarity they are struggling to deal with the demon that has been unleashed on Beacon Hills and Derek is coming to terms with his past and his feelings for Stiles.

Filter Out the Starlight by skoosiepants

“Why are you not more curious about me?” Stiles says when Derek’s got the door half open, sun spilling over the dark wood, dust motes spinning about his legs. Stiles is wearing fabric that hasn’t been invented yet, he’s clutching a smart phone to his chest, and he appeared out of nowhere, like an angel.

Softly, Derek says, “We all have our secrets,” and closes the door.

Or-

A heartbroken Stiles accidentally travels back in time to find his one true love. A harlequin-ish Christmas romance.

all stories deserve an end by bleep0bleep

No one hardly ever comes up to this area of the forest, especially with the rumors of the “mad wizard.” Stiles encourages the rumor, because it means people leave him alone. It’s a good, solitary existence as long as Stiles pretends the aching loneliness in his heart isn’t there.

Children’s Tales by artemis69

Be careful, little girl.

Don’t go causing troubles in Beacon Hills, because the Hales live there, little girl.

Keep away from Beacon Hills, little girl, or the Hales will destroy you.

–

Or:In a world where the Hales are alive and the protectors of the town of Beacon Hills, the humans politely fake ignorance of their not-really-human status, and they all live happily ever after.

Then Kate comes in.

Well.

Tries to.

Incantation Ink (series) by otter

The tattoo parlor didn’t look like much. The apprentice who was supposed to be inking Derek’s new magical tattoo wasn’t immediately confidence-inspiring either.

I’ll Be Home for Next Year, Darling by crossroadswrite

“What year is it?” he asks, because well. It happened to Marty McFly right? And werewolves are real so-

“Time travel isn’t real,” Derek says immediately.

Stiles huffs because fine he doesn’t want to cooperate Stiles will just have to rub his point all over Derek’s face until he gets it.

“It’s July 12th of 2010.”

“It’s 2003,” Derek counters.

Wolf Back by write_light

Sterek AU with an Evil King and his Loyal Huntsman, men and wolves, loss and pain, mercy and trust, and one very enigmatic Mirror on the wall.

Magical Storm by Electricviolinist & Marbleeyes

A roar reverberated through the air. Not just any roar; a werewolf roar.

“About fucking time!” exclaimed Stiles. He was going to let Scott win when they next played Mario Karts.

The door to his jeep was yanked open and Stiles realised it wasn’t Scott who had come to save him. It was Derek Hale. A very wet Derek Hale. Stiles mind immediately headed south into an ‘R’ rated place; the wet t-shirt Derek was wearing was very tight.

“You’re back,” was all he could think to say.

Derek didn’t reply, because he was an antisocial dick. Instead he asked: “Does this piece of crap still drive?”

“Uh, yes,” Stiles cried, massively offended on the behalf of his beautiful jeep.

“Then drive. Now!”

…

It was a pretty normal day for Stiles, except then there was rain and monsters and witches and Derek Hale. All because Derek Hale’s type is psychotic. And apparently, Stiles is stuck right in the very centre of it.

Mortal Peril On the Side by Brigantine

Stiles and Derek figure things out. Sheriff Stilinski remains remarkably calm. Stiles gets some advice from two of his mother’s friends.

The Coming of Spring by A_Diamond

Snow melts beneath Stiles’s boots as he walks, each step revealing a patch of dark brown beneath the thin blanket of white. He can’t see it yet through the trees, but he knows the cottage is there.

surviving paradise chapter 27 hobby

As the night wears on, a lone female of the species has succumbed to sleep in the safety of her natural burrow. Little does she realise the walls of her own creation will offer no protection tonight, for the predator on the prowl has already found its way within these corridors. A little drama is about to take place. A young life about to be snuffed out.

Sleek and black as the night, the predator stalks her, moving from shadow to shadow. He moves so fluidly he does not even trigger Capsule Corp’s movement-sensitive lights, and the hallways remain dark and deceptively peaceful. Ki sparks suddenly and grows quickly into a ball, small yet deadly in its potency, as she only just stirs from her slumber. She never had a chance.

“Bang, you’re dead!” The ki cracks inches from her face. Her eyes flutter once, then open wide as she realises her impending doom. A loud screech, the ki-light snuffs out, replaced by the flickering of ceiling lights, and finally dead silence. She stares up at me with unseeing eyes from her spot against the wall where she had dozed off. Unmoving.

I hold it together for a full five seconds before I burst into laughter.

The sound finally pulls her from her stupor. “Jesus-fucking-christ Vegeta!” she manages, after a few panicked gulps of air.

I think she stopped breathing there for a while. Hilarious. Not to mention the smell of fear on her is more than satisfactory. So she does still scare, at least when I catch her off guard.

She slowly pulls herself to her feet, visibly shaken, and her glare sets me into a fit of laughter that physically hurts. Cutting off with a wheeze, I restrain myself from holding my ribs. “Oh, the expression on your face right now, it’s simply priceless!”

Bulma swallows, bends over once more with her hands on her knees, then straightens herself with effort. “I’m so happy you’ve found yourself a hobby, Vegeta. Of course it would have to involve scaring people to death. Feeling better now?”

Yes, actually. I do. Feels great. Anyway, she deserves it; she’s the one that started with the stalking. I caught her staking out my room; and even with her asleep sneaking by would have done little good; she’d have heard me close the door. Just yesterday, when I did and she woke to realise her mistake, she talked to my closed door for over an hour and kept me up, because I wouldn't let her in. My current mood soured, I harrump, and move for my escape.

She cuts me off. “Oh right. Now I remember what I was here for. Hey, want to hang out tonight, catch a movie?”

I blink at her. “It’s three a.m.?” I trained too late, got too little done. I set goals, but fell short and quit only when it became obvious I was too exhausted to do more. It took all of my energy just to take a shower, and all I want now is sleep. I’m too tired to even eat, let alone watch some silly make-believe film.

This is where she does the thing I really hate: she smiles. Not just any smile, but the fake one. Friendly, polite, helpful. I hate that smile. I also hate it that she knows just when to pounce, when I’m too tired to fight her manipulations. “I’d have hoped to start one a few hours ago for sure. But it’s okay. We have our own theatre down in the basement. I’ll let you pick a movie?”

She is so persistent. Guess I sort of asked for that, but... “If this is another attempt at relaxing me, just forget it.” Yes. I regret asking for help, but I can still rectify that mistake. Tell her no to her face. It’s too stupid an idea to work, besides her presence will only be detrimental in the end. I know. I can tell. “Just go hang with your loser friends instead. I’m not interested.”

I push her out of the way, make it to my door. But the word no is apparently not in her vocabulary. She squeezes herself between me and the door once more before I can wrench it open. “Oh, come on Vegeta. They’re all out training. And I’ve waited on you so long everyone would be asleep by now anyway. You woke me up good, and besides,” she winks, “you want to be a Super Saiyan, right?”

I debate opening the door anyway, and just knocking it against her head. She’s asking for it with the way she jabs out her chin at me, arms behind her, thrusting out her chest. But the female breaks easily. I might kill her. Though it feels we might be heading that way regardless. How do I make her stop without killing her? “It’s late. I already showered. I just want to sleep.”

Yes, I was going to try her theory. But that was before... Before I realised. Can’t she see the warning signs? Perhaps she has no survival instincts at all, because none of those obvious markers of doom slow her down. Instead, she lets her eyes rove down my chest. It makes me glad I put on a shirt, but the self-conscious tingle in my spine already tells me it will do me little good. She’s found an offence, and my chances of getting any rest are lost. “Obviously. Did you even bother to change your bandages? And what? Is that blood? You’re bleeding through your shirt. Again. What you need is first-aid.”

I’m always bleeding. Which seems like a lousy argument, even to me. So I don't really fight her when she grabs my hand and pulls me away with a sigh, grumbling like I’m making her do this. “Come on, let me fix you up. Again. There goes my movie night.”

She steers us to a guest room next to mine, set up with medical supplies. There’s even one of those flat table-beds instead of the soft ones humans prefer to sleep in. I half sit, half lean on it as she retrieves the right supplies, then take off my shirt in resignation. I didn't really think on this room enough, I realise now. She must have set up this place for my benefit, because no one else ever uses it. It’s annoying, she’s taking too much interest in me. Making too much of it. Still she clicks her tongue at me, like she’s the one that’s bothered. “Did you just pull off the old bandages?”

Yeah? “You wanted me to shower with them? How am I supposed to dry off?” I think I better not mention I did just that last time and then I tried to dry off with my ki. The heat then caused the bandages to shrink, and, well, that was just a mess. Not sure how such weak creatures as you humans even survived with this sad attempt at medicine.

“Maybe warn me next time? I can get them off without pulling the crusts off.” She still makes that attempt at a stern voice, shakes her head. Who does she think she is anyway? Oh, yeah. Let’s ask you to fuss over me. Like you need excuses for that. Does she have some kind of nurse fetish? That would explain why she can't leave me alone anymore. Then again, she could just be that bored.

Training is apparently done far away from Capsule Corp. I’m not sure why, because the only useful place to do so should be the gravity room. Then again, perhaps the men of Earth know something I am only now becoming aware of. Something to do with this vixen, I imagine.

She starts swaddling my biceps in silence, but soon breaks it, any quiet obviously as alien to her as she to me. “Are you sure you’re training the right way?” I blink. It's like she read my mind, and she taps my busted ribs. “Strength training should be about micro tears. The ones that heal within days.” She taps a little to the side of my latest wound. “But this one is not yet healed, and now there’s a new bruise? You’re layering them, not giving your muscles time to heal. Are you sure this is how Saiyans get stronger?”

Uhm. I have no idea what this ‘micro’ stuff is. I know Zenkai: you nearly kill yourself, then get stronger. That is a little difficult to do with training, even with the added gravity. I think I’m doing a decent job... Okay, training is not a thing I have much practice in. It was just not done by Frieza’s men, and I used to just run the front lines until I needed to be dragged off for healing, counting on the Zenkai power boost unique to Saiyans. But I’m not about to tell this nosy minx any of that. “Mind your own business.”

She keeps talking, a string of words that I tune out as I wonder if she’s going to release me soon. Why am I allowing this? I must be even more tired than I thought, because I can feel my eyelids droop. Maybe the woman has a sort of zenkai too. The harder I push her away, the more determined she becomes. So maybe if I just stop pushing, she’ll get tired of it? I know I am. Perhaps I can just pass out here. That wouldn’t be so bad. Just when I think I might, her voice lulling me to sleep, her touch makes me jump.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

She snorts at me over my shoulder, her breath brushes the back of my neck. “Relax.”

For fuck’s sake. “Can you stop saying that word?”

She strokes her fingers over the sides of my neck again, all the way to my shoulders. “I’m just trying to smooth some of the tension out. What, am I hurting you?”

“Oh, please. Your weak little human fingers couldn’t possibly —ouch!” I regret running my mouth, twice over. Damn, why can’t she just leave me be? I guess when I stop pushing her back she’ll just overstep the next boundary. I take her hand away and twist to look over my shoulder at her. “Fucking cut it out.”

“What, the big bad Saiyan can’t handle a little massage?” She snorts again, that little twinkle back in her eye.

“We are done here.” Why can't she see I’m trying? Trying not to... Fuck, at this point I’m practically saving her life here.

“What? You say you want to become Super Saiyan, but when you have to try anything new you just balk. A massage is a basic part of any athlete’s schedule. It’s relaxing, helps muscles recover, and I might mention that Goku loves them.”

I move to stand and slam my hands on the table-bed, only just restraining myself from smashing it to pieces. “Don’t compare me to that third-rate—”

“Why not? He’s got what you want, right? It only makes sense to look for what you’re doing different. Or, what? You’re scared of little old me touching you?” She’s taunting, daring me. Seriously, if my hand slips at this point I think I can make a case for her having committed suicide.

Breathe. I pull my fingers out of the table, deep indents in the metal. I weigh my options. Kill her, and run before Kakarot comes to exact revenge? That would be cowardly. Leave, altogether, without killing her? Still cowardly. Explain to her…

How should I explain? Of course, I’m not scared of her. Well, not scared of her as a person; just this, this thing she keeps doing. This will end badly. It always ends badly. Someone will get hurt. Someone will end up dead. I go for the short version. “I am going to kill you.”

I cringe as she laughs, a tinkle of unworried silver. “How’s this then? I’m going to give you a proper massage, fifteen minutes tops. And if you don’t feel good after, you can kill me.”

I scoff at her. Seems she’s set on ending up dead either way. Well, I tried. At least I tried.

the rest is on https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338988/chapters/35590152 

or ff.net