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gh0stw1f3 · 10 months

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Lessons (Carl Grimes x Reader - Smut)

WARNINGS: Carl cheating on Enid, Fingering, Oral on both sides, Penetration, Head-pushing, Spelling and Grammar mistakes, Not proof-read

Small Summary: Carl asking reader for advice on how to have sex for the first time for Enid. She does more than give him advice, she shows him.

3,791 WORDS

You rested your back against the soft fabric couch as you flipped your fingers through a book, your only source of entertainment. Everyone else was asleep but you.

You closed your book when you heard a knock on the door. The house you lived in was one in Alexandria. Carol lived there with you too but tonight she was on watch duty. Opening the door, you saw Carl. His eyes looking down and twiddling with his thumbs.

“Hey Carl, what are you doing up so late?” you wondered as he came in, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the couch with you.

“I just wanted to talk to you about something…” he rested his hands down on his lap, not knowing what to do with them due to his nervousness.

“Alright… go ahead, kid,” you were interested. What could he want this late? And why is he so nervous? It caught your attention.

“This might be weird but um… Enid wants to take our relationship to the next level,” he hid his face by looking down at his busted shoes.

“Next level? Like what? You guys gonna get married like Glenn and Maggie,” you got slightly excited to the idea of a new marriage.

“No, well I don’t know… not yet.”

“Ooohh so it’s gonna happen, huh? You sly dog,” you teased him while elbowing his arm.

“No! I mean… we haven’t known each other for long…”

“Neither did Glenn and Maggie but they’re made for each other,” you loved their relationship. You thought it was cute. Calling each other “wife” and “husband” although they weren’t officially married.

“Anyway… she wants to h-have ermm…” he paused, looking at you to try and read your expression. “s-sex,” he whispered.

“Oh. Wow. So what are you doing here for? Go have fun with your lil’ girlfriend,” you pointed out the door.

“About that, I don’t really know… anything about doing uh sex,” he flicked his hat. “I know the basics, like how people like getting umm licked down there and inserting stuff into um places but I want to make sure she has a good time…”

“So you want me to give you advice?”

“Yeah…” You sinked back down into the couch, thinking about it.

“Why’d you come to me to ask about that?” you turned your head to face the blushing boy.

“Well, I know you won’t judge me… and you give good advice.” he started to gain more confidence, knowing that your chill with the idea.

“I don’t know. It’s kind of hard to explain.” You were only a couple years older than Carl. But you had experience. You had multiple boyfriends during the apocalypse. And of course you did it with them. Who doesn’t need a little relief during such a horrible time?

“Please try,” he put a hand on your knee. His eyes full of desperation. You looked at the hand on your knee then back at Carl, realizing his beauty.

“Why don’t me and you… do it then,” the moment you realized the surprise of his expression, you started babbling. “J-Just to teach you! And It’ll be a one time thing! We won’t tell ANYONE,” you flung your hands around.

Carl sat quiet. Looking down at his boots again, thinking about it. He turned his head, looking at you. You stood up straight, nervous for the first time around Carl. “Just… one time,” he folded his fingers to form a one. “ To teach me.”

“Yes! Yes, of course.”

“Okay… yeah. So, what do I do first?” he sat criss-cross on the couch, facing you entirely.

“Well, you kiss her first,” you then took Carl’s hand and put it against your cheek. “You hold her face gently,” you pressed and gently rubbed your cheek against his hand. Carl started to turn red. “Then both of you lean in.”

You and Carl inched closer. Your lips brushing against each other. “Then you press your lips against hers, slowly. Then build up into a deep kiss. Using your tongue gently.” Carl hesitated but you kissed him first. He kissed you back, slowly starting to get into it. You then opened your mouth, sliding your tongue slowly into Carl’s mouth. Your jaw moving in sync with your deep kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pushing him deeper into your mouth. Carl slowly slid his tongue into your mouth this time.

You moaned into the kiss, pressing your body against his. You took his hands and moved them to your waist.

“Don’t be afraid to touch her… or me,” you separated your lips. Creating distance between the two of you, you moved back and rested your back against the armrest of the couch.

“W-What what are we doing now?” he sat with his hands between his legs like a puppy.

“I’m going to teach you how to undress a woman,” you said before pulling him by his collar so he was between your legs as you sat.

“U-Undress you? I t-think I already know how to undress…”

“Yes, you can undress yourself but what about another person. You know how to undo a bra?” You asked. He shook his head. Carl scooched closer to you with his back straight. “C’mon, undress me.”

“Are you sure… you’re okay with me seeing you with umm no clothes on?” You nodded. “Okay…” he pulled the ends of your shirt. You lifted your arms so it was easier for him to take it off. Lifting the shirt up slowly, he put it gently against the table.

“Now… unclip my bra,” you said as you leaned your torso forward so his head was on your shoulder, looking at your back. “So, you see the clasps? You have to push them together, then push the right strap over the other one.”

Carl stuck his tongue slightly out his lips, trying to get it. “It’s okay if you don’t get it the first time. It was hard for me to do when I got my first bra,” you reassured him.

After a few tries and a little help, he got it unclasped. You held the bra in place, waiting for him to look at you. When he went back to his previous position, you let the bra fall from your shoulders. Carl immediately looked away, nervous. “Hey… Hey. Don’t be nervous. Give me your hand,” he did as you said and put his hand on yours. “Now, it’s okay to look. Just don’t compare mine to Enids. It’s disrespectful.” He nodded as he turned his head to look at your breasts. The red on his face returning. “Make sure you compliment her but you HAVE to mean it.”

“Like… ‘you have nice boobs’?” you chuckled at his response.

“You could say that. But something less… vulgar is better. Like ‘your body is beautiful’” his hand twitched against your grasp. “Are you ready to touch them?” you held his hands, inches away from your chest. “I’ll show you how to massage and treat them,” he nodded. You placed his hand on your breast. “You can squeeze but never to hard,” you took a peak to his groin and noticed his growing bulge. He sinked his fingers into your boob, squeezing them gently. The touch making you squirm. “You can massage them and squeeze their nipples but never too hard,” he gulped before gently kneading your breasts while squeezing your nipple with his other hand.

“Use your mouth.”

“My mouth?!”

“Mhm, you can lick, suck, and bite my nipples. BUT if you’re gonna bite be gentle. VERY gentle. Like a lil’ nibble,” you chuckled. He leaned it slowly as you took his hat and put it aside. He opened his mouth and surrounded your nipple with his lips. He gently nibbled on it, like you said. It sent a jolt down to your pussy.

“Just like that, Carl. You’re doing so good,” you run fingers through his long hair. His cock twitched to your praise. You felt his soft tongue against your nipple as he left kitten licks. As he sucked on your nipple, you were reminded of something.

“Carl,” he looked up at you through his lashes as he continued. “Do you know how to leave a hickey?” He removed his mouth from your chest, the cold breeze making them harder. He shook his head. You pointed to spot, just above your nipple. “Put your mouth here and suck. It’ll leave a bruise but it won’t hurt me. Unless you suck really hard.”

“Why would I leave a bruise on you?” he asked, confused.

“It’s sort of like… marking whats yours. But for now, it’s just for teaching,” he put his lips on the spot you pointed at and sucked. “Not for too long now,” as he finished bruising your skin, he gave it a kiss before stepping back to look at his accomplishment.

“Did… that hurt?” you looked down at your chest and caressed the bruise.

“No, you’re being so gentle with me, Carl,” you brought him closer and kissed him on his cheek. He chuckled quietly.

“One more thing before we get to the actual umm penetration,” Carl was still nervous. He knew what was coming next. “Take of my pants…” Carl blushed extremely but he did as told. He sat back and grabbed the top of your sweats. You lifted your legs up on his shoulders as he took them off. He stared at your panties. At their black lacey trim.

“Do you… always wear underwear like these?” he pulled at his collar.

“They’re cute, right? I’m happy to finally show them to someone,” you giggled. “But you can look at them more when they’re off my body,” you teased. His expression amusing. He put his fingers through the top of your panties this time, seeing his fingers through the lace. He slowly pulled them down.

“Not every vagina looks the same, so don’t be surprised if hers looks different than mine. And again don’t compare,” you reminded. He stared at your pussy, his hands rested on your thighs. You spread your legs, giving him a better view. You spread your lips, putting your finger to your clit.

“This… This is my clit. Some guys aren’t able to find it. But it’s here,” his eye darting to it. You took his hand and looked at his eye. You caressed his fingers before inserting them inside your mouth, his face in shock. His fingers became slick with your saliva as you wrapped your tongue around his fingers, separating them with your tongue. You gave them a kiss before leaving the grasp. “Use these to rub my clit,” you whispered, referring to his fingers. His breath was shaky.

He snaked his hand down to your clit, eyeing it to make sure he was doing it.

“How do I um… rub it?” he asked, his fingers grazing over your sweet spot.

“Okay, so the clit is the sweet spot. It has a lot of nerves. You can rub it a lot of ways. But the common way is in a circular motion,” you sounded like a sex-ed teacher. Carl looked at you then back at your pussy. He leaned in close, so his face was inches from yours but he still had a good view of what he was doing.

He pushed down on your clit, gently. Rubbing it in the motion you described. You sat up straight, the pleasure causing random squirms through out your body. Carl focused his eyes on your face. The redness of your cheek and the pleasure in your eyes. He liked it. He liked making you feel good. Makes him feel accomplished. He slammed his lips against yours. Kissing you on his own. His deep kissing that he learned from you. You whimpered against his lips, his tongue roaming your mouth as he rubbed you in circles faster. He let go, giving you a moment to breathe.

“F-Finger me,” you panted. Carl was excited. He ran fingers through your pussy, finding your hole. He paused for a moment, waiting for your instructions. “Go on, put it in,” he followed. You breathed as his finger hits your depths. “Y-You feel that soft part of flesh towards my pussy?” Carl nudged his finger against it, making you to let out a small moan. “That’s the g-spot. It’s also a sweet spot. Keep pushing your finger against it.”

He repeatedly kept hitting your g-spot. You moaned harder than before. Your breath repeatedly going in and out with whimpers. “Fuck… Carl,” you rubbed his cheek. He kissed your palm as you slowly pushed your head back. He pushed his palm against your clit, the rhythm of his fingers moving with his palm. You flung your head back to place. “W-What are you doing?” you breathed between words.

“It doesn’t feel good?” he paused for a moment. You put your hand on his wrist.

“No, keep going… I just didn’t expect that,” you bit your lip, desperate for his touch. “But I still have another thing to show you,” you grabbed his shoulder and pushed him down so he was laying face to face with your vagina.

You spread your lips again. “I want you to suck it… like you did with my tits,” you demanded as you squeezed one of your breasts.

“H-How?” he took in the sight of how wet you were, seeping down your thighs.

“Lick and suck my clit.”

He breathed against your clit before making contact with his mouth. When you felt his slimy hot tongue rub against your clit as he sucked, you held on to the headrest of the couch. He flicks his tongue up and down while gripping your thighs.

“God, Carl. Enid’s one lucky girl,” you put your hand to the back of his head. He wasn’t thinking of Enid until you reminded him. He was just thinking of you. Making you feel good. He wondered why he didn’t come to you sooner.

He continued to fuck you with his tongue, his eye focused on yours. You thrust your hips against his mouth. He put his mouth, focused on your clit. Sucking and licking over your folds. Your moans were getting louder. You squeezed his head with your thighs as you gripped his hair, making it messy. Carl brought both of his hands under your thighs so he could lick you deeply, pushing your pussy against his mouth. Your face was red and sweaty with your mouth gaping open, letting out every huff. Carl closed his eyes, passionately making out with your pussy as he slowly grinded his hips against the cushion below him, trying to get his hard-on to calm down.

You whimpered in confused when he stopped. “What… what’s wrong?” Carl got up and kissed you. You could taste yourself through his lips.

“Please help me with this,” he pleaded as he gripped his bulge. You blushed profusely. You pushed a flat palm on his chest causing him to fall back on the couch.

“Alright, let’s focus on you,” you smirked as you sat him up to remove his plaid jacket. His body was warm. You pulled off his white shirt after. He shivered under the sudden coldness but as you pressed your naked body against his, kissing him, he managed to get warmer. You placed your hand on his chest. You finished the kiss, trailing your kisses from his neck, torso, and now v-line.

You gripped the sides of his torso as you rubbed your face against his bulge. You took off his pants, gripping his boxers at the same time so they came off together.

When you saw his cock, you were a bit in shock. You haven’t seen a dick in a while and seeing Carls sent electricity through you. You pressed your lips against it as it rested towards your face. Carl let out a shaky breath. You stuck out your tongue, leaving kitten licks on his shaft.

Kissing the tip of his cock, you licked away his precum before putting your whole mouth on his dick. Your tongue licking his tip while you sucked. His cock was swollen against your mouth. Carl moaned, his hand moving to grip your hair gently. You sucked his cock deeper, nearly feeling his balls against your chin. You bobbed your head up and down when suddenly his grip tightened and he took control of your pace. He pushed your head all the way deep, hitting the back of your throat. You flung back, coughing slightly.

“Listen, be careful with your headpushes. Some girls don’t fuck with it,” you warned before going down on him again.

“Do you?” he asked, his breath hitching. You giggled while his cock was in your mouth.

“Mhmm,” you cooed. Carl sat up and started gently rubbing your head. As you bobbed your head up and down, Carl shoved your head deeper into his dick. He caught you by surprise and that made you gag and cough even more than expected. He head-pushed you as a furious pace, your throat being abused. Tears streamed down your cheeks. You closed an eye to fixate on Carl. His head back and his growls loud. He looked at your face as he put his head back in place. He fastened his pace. You felt his dick squirm under your mouth. So you used your strength to push down on his thighs and release your mouth from him.

You sat up, coughing and gagging. “Jesus Carl,” you wiped your mouth with your arm.

“Huh… what?” He was confused that he didn’t reach his high. “Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry,” he was concerned.

“No, you did nothing wrong,” you licked your lips, savoring his taste. “I don’t want you to cum yet,” you got him laying back down on the sofa.

You crawled over him and laid down on his chest. “This is the best part,” you whispered into his ear. You kissed him, “For you and me.” You got up and hovered over his cock. Carl used his hands to carefully align his dick to your entrance. “Are you ready?” Carl nodded. You grabbed his hands and placed them on your hips. You slowly fell down on his cock. Moans and long shivering breathes escaping. Once you got all the way down to his balls, you felt his tip kissing your cervix.

“Mm~ Carl… how do you feel?” you laid your torso down on his chest, your faces inches closer.

“Ah~ You feel so good. Your pussy is so soft and warm,” he groaned as you lifted your hips up and down on him. You kissed him intensely as your moans vibrated through him. Carl used his hands to guide your hips as you rode him. You let go of his lips, moving them to his neck. Kissing and licking it as his head rested against yours. You moved your hips faster, his moans uncontrollable.

“Oh, Carl. Thank you for letting me be your teacher,” you put your torso up, his eyes scanning every part of your body. You pressed your hand on his chest for better balance. You slanted your inner eyebrows, going faster as the room was full of the sound of skin slapping.

Carl groped your tit as you grinded your hips. You felt the pressure of his dick on your g-spot and cervix. You moaned his name which caused him to push your hips faster and deeper into him. His growls running through your ears.

All the grinding and friction of the back of his head caused his eye bandage to come loose and slip off his face. When you looked at his face and realized what happened, you slowly stopped bouncing.

He felt the breeze coming on his wounded eye socket and covered his eye. “Shit! I-I’m sorry… you’re probably all freaked out now,” he worried insecurely.

You smiled as you leaned down and placed multiple kisses around his wound. He was stunned. “You’re so cute, Carl,” you snickered.

“Y-You’re not… grossed out?”

“This wound is just a part of you. You’re beautiful no matter what, no wound will change that.” You smiled as you continued to bounce your hips at the same fast pace. Carl was bashful towards your words. You made him feel loved and confident. You were back to making out, spit surrounding your mouths. Your faces full of enjoyment. Both of you could feel the breaths of your moans.

You felt the skin above his dick, pressing against your clit.

“I-I’m gonna-“ you put a finger to his lips. You’re face messy in front of him.

“Do it inside me,” you moaned. You wanted to feel the warm slimy fluid in you. You grinded faster, burying your head in his chest. Your drool all over his skin.

Carl wrapped his arms tightly around your back, keeping you in place as he thrusted fast and hard into you. His groans getting wilder.

You both let out a scream as he released in you. His thrusts slowing down then fastening again. Your legs quivered. His cum poured out of you and splattered over his thighs.

You let out one final shaky breath, giving him a peck. Carl raised his back, still huffing. You were on his lap.

“That’s the end of our lesson,” you whispered seductively. You sat up carefully, cum all over the sofa. Carl grabbed his bandage but you grabbed his wrist before he could wrap it around his eye. You placed another small peck under it then one more on his lips.

“Don’t forget what I said about your eye,” you smiled before putting your cute underwear back on along with your shirt followed by your pants. Carl did the same.

“Thank you… for tonight,” Carl blushed. You smiled.

“You’re more than ready to go fuck your girlfriend now,” you giggled. Carl averted his eyes.

“Do you think… maybe we can do this again?” he asked, twiddling with his fingers again. Your eyes widened, surprised that he’d want to go to you again.

“Hmm, what about Enid?” you wondered. “You should go to her. She’ll be wondering where you are,” you avoided the question. Carl frowned. “Just… try it with Enid,” you put a hand on his chest. “And trust me, I had a great time,” you carefully put your hands under his shirt and wrapped them around his body.

“You should go… before Carol comes back,” you advised while the birds started to chirp. Carl agreed and stepped a foot out your door frame. You stood in front of it. Carl looked at you before giving you a goodbye kiss then he started walking. You closed the door and immediately started wiping down the leftover sperm from the couch. You kept reminding yourself to get a morning after pill as fast as you could.

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laangdonn · 4 months

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not anymore

summary: the aftermath of glenn and abraham leaves carl and y/n’s relationship in shambles.

pairing: carl grimes x female reader

a/n: first carl grimes post yayy, i love him so much and in my mind he lives on.

*read part 2 here*

*************************

the house was quiet minus the occasional sniffle from carl and i. he was sat with his head in his hands on the leather sofa, his fingers lightly gripping his brown curls. i watched him carefully through blurry vision from behind the kitchen counter, supporting myself with my hands on the cold marble.

it was dark, the moon and a single saucer light in the kitchen shining as light.

it was so fucking quiet but my head had never been louder.

“so what are you saying?” i whispered, carefully watching my words.

he lifted his eyes for a moment until he brought his head back into his palms. he refused eye contact. “i don’t know what i’m saying.”

“you don’t love me anymore?” every word i spoke sent my stomach falling into my feet.

he didn’t answer. i didn’t know if that made it better or worse.

“jesus, carl, answer me-“

“i still love you,” he finally responded, his hand rubbing his face in stress. “of course i still love you.”

“then what’s wrong?” i pressed, a sudden urgency filling my veins. “why are we even having this conversation? why did you come home and suddenly act as if we’ve been fighting for weeks-“

“cause we have been, y/n!” his voice picked up now, throwing his hands in the air and standing up. he still hadn’t looked at me. “we have been fighting for weeks! we cant even look at each other without fighting! ever since glenn-“

“stop.” i cut him off, feeling my chest clench. “this wasn’t them, it wasn’t.”

but it was, and i knew it. the aftermath of glenn and abraham put a strain on the whole group, especially me and carl. we came home that morning, stumbling out of the RV and hadn’t been the same since. every time i looked at carl, all i saw were the tears streaming down his face and the reflection of glenn’s bloody skull in his eyes. i saw the black line drawn on carl’s left arm, and the axe raised in the air.

i looked at carl and i saw death.

i knew he felt the same.

“that day…” he started, taking a breath. “that day i had no other wish but to die. to keep you safe if that’s what it took. i couldn’t protect you from him and i don’t know if i can even try. i put you in danger by loving you.”

i shuddered a breath as the tears began to

clog my throat.

“that’s why i can’t love you, y/n. not anymore.”

“you act like that’s a choice you can make.” i choked out, a feeling of anger pushing forward. anger at the way he thought he could fool anyone who knew him.

“i can try.”

“BULLSHIT!” i snapped, slamming my hand against the cold counter and feeling it sting.

he buried his face in his hands and i could see his shoulders shaking. i felt my heart break then, knowing i wouldn’t be able to change his mind.

a sob broke its way through my throat, wet and rough, and i instantly regretted it because carl looked straight at my eyes and i felt myself sink deeper into the ground.

“don’t do this, carl…” i whispered, looking into his crystal blue eyes, a raging ocean encased in this beautiful human who i’d have to let go. i shook my head at him slowly.

“i’m going to get you killed,”

“then let me be killed knowing you loved me! isn’t that the best we can do?!”

“the best i can do is keep you alive.” he countered strongly. his voice was no longer broken or shaken, but determined.

i realized in that moment nothing could be done to change his mind, it had already been made up. carl was stubborn, too stubborn for his own good and he’d never be swayed by anyone, even me.

no words were spoken between us as we stared at the floor, drowning in the absence of each other. all i wanted in that moment was to touch him, to feel him under my skin and prove to me that he’s still real and he’s still here after everything that had happened. but he was taking that away from me and ripping my heart out along with it.

he inhaled a sharp breath, rubbing his hand on his face once more before he said, “it’d be best if you went to carol’s tonight.”

i swallowed harshly, nodding. at least he was right about one thing.

too tired to argue further, i walked past him and to the front door. he kept his head bowed, not looking at me. i could sense the tension as i barely grazed his shoulder, walking so fast i barely registered the soft material of his flannel on my skin. i paused in front of the door, gripping the handle and hoping he’d call out my name and beg me to stay.

but he didn’t. and i turned around to see his eyes were still trained on the floor, back turned. i felt the cold air envelop me and i slammed the door shut, reverberating and practically shaking the house. i sucked in a breath and pushed forward to the blue house a few doors down.

i knocked wearily, feeling my knees begin to wobble as the effects of what had just transpired hit me. suddenly i was a mess on the porch, breathing erratically as i tried to process what just happened. but, when i saw carols face when she opened the door, concerned at my state of being, i lost it.

she carried me into the house and let me sob my way through the story. she held me while i cried and laid me down once i had fallen asleep in her grasp, eyes crusted shut with tried tears, cheeks red, and lips swollen.

i dreamt that night of glenn.

———

in the morning i woke to the smell of toast and eggs. my stomach growled harshly and i realized i hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon.

i gripped the banister on my way downstairs, being created with carol’s sympathetic smile. i sat down on the island counter as she pushed a plate of breakfast in front of me.

“i’m leaving for hilltop today.” i announced suddenly. her back was turned to me but i could sense the blank stare that must’ve washed over her. the sizzle of the pan of eggs on the stove top was the only sound heard for a moment.

then, she continued tussling the eggs in the pan, continuing on as if i hadn’t said anything. “it’s dangerous.”

“maggie needs me.” i answered simply.

“she’d feel much better if you stayed here. safe, with rick.”

i took a small bite of my toast, “she knows i can take care of myself. i should’ve gone with her and sasha right after…” i let my voice drift on, knowing i didn’t have to be specific. “i need to do this for her. for me. i cant stay here, carol, i can’t. not anymore.”

carol turned around at that, pouring her own eggs onto a plate. “well, i’m not going to stop you.” she said, taking a bite, “but i don’t think you should go alone.”

“i don’t need a babysitter,” i mumbled, beginning to lose my appetite. “im going by myself and that’s final.”

———

i opened the front door to the grimes’ home we shared cautiously. i anticipated to see carl in the front room with judith, as he always was, but to my surprise it was rick instead.

he was sat on the couch while judith babbled and played on the floor. his eyes were tired and lost, his face sunken with grief. he turned to look at me walking in and gave me the same, sympathetic smile i had gotten from carol.

i stood awkwardly in front of the door, looking anywhere but his eyes.

“he told you didn’t he.” i mumbled, not even being able to bring myself to say his name.

“no,” his voice was rough as he spoke, “i heard him last night crying in his room, after you’d left. and i knew.”

i felt my heart clench and my nose begin to sting. i nodded slowly, knowing i wouldn’t be able to choke out words i so desperately wanted to say.

“im going to hilltop today. only carol knows. i came to grab my stuff.”

his eyebrows furrowed at me and once i saw the disapproving look i spoke fast.

“i can make it there.” i promised, “we need each other.”

rick knew exactly who i was referring to and suddenly the look of disapproval vanished from his face. he nodded at me slowly, accepting the fact that this battle would be one he lost in trying to keep me here. he turned to judith and i took that as my cue to head upstairs.

“carl is at the armory, but he should be back soon,” i heard rick say, “i suggest you leave before he gets back, for both of your sakes.”

i didn’t answer, only continued up the steps. i didn’t want to see carl because i knew if he begged me to stay i would. it hurts knowing i perhaps don’t have that same control over him.

pushing open his door and revealing his room, our room was harder than i had imagined. i wanted to be out quickly, without hassle. i went through drawers, grabbing my things, stuffing them into the two duffel bags i had underneath our bed.

my heart dropped when i heard the front door open and close. i hadn’t been quick enough.

“where is she?” i heard his voice from downstairs and it motivated me to work quicker.

i managed to close the zipper on the second duffle bag but when i turned to the door i almost fainted. carl stood there with his arms hanging limp at his side, a blank stare on his face as he watched me pack my life away.

we stood facing each other for a long time. i stressed another fight, perhaps a bigger blowout than the last, but i looked into his sad, tired eyes and realized there wouldn’t be any fighting between us.

“how did you know i was here,” i mumbled.

“i went to carol’s looking for you. she told me you were leaving for hilltop.” his face scrunched up in disgust at his own words, as if just the thought of me leaving left a sour taste in his mouth.

“i am.” i said, voice feeble in an attempt to remain confident.

he shook his head slowly as tears began to rise up in his eyes. “don’t, y/n.”

“why not?” i pushed, crossing my arms over my chest. “why wouldn’t i leave? what’s left for me here?”

he didn’t answer.

“you let me go last night.” i stabilized my voice a bit, straightening my back to make myself look stronger as i spoke the words. “you can let me go again.”

“is that what this is?” he questioned, “is this reckless stupidity to punish me for last night?”

i scoffed, rolling his eyes at his narcissism. “no,” i chuckled in disbelief.

“then why? because this is the first time i’ve heard about this from you. not once have you said you’ve wanted to go to hilltop.”

“why wouldn’t i go?” i asked rhetorically, “maggie’s there and i want to help her. i feel so… so useless here! like, nothing is going right in this godforsaken place and last night was the last thing i needed to set me off.”

his face suddenly paled, his eyes softening. words were stuck on the edge of his tongue and i could see in his expression he contemplated letting them spill over. “i wanted to talk about last night.”

i turned around at that, beginning to rustle with my bag to occupy my hands. to do something other than hear him talk. especially about last night.

“i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to hurt you, you have no idea how hard it was for me, letting you go like that.”

i scoffed again, “you don’t even have a clue how i feel, carl, so don’t even try to sympathize with me.”

“i-“

“save it.” i spat, anger beginning to rise up my veins at the idea that he was about to pity me. “nothing you can say, nothing you think you can do to make it okay won’t keep me from-“

a loud bang on the front door shook me from finishing my sentence, both our eyes widening as carl ran out of the room and to the stairs.

“anyone home?” a booming voice spoke. i knew that voice.

carl, eyes still wide, turned to me in shock. i stood frozen, my hand still clutching the strap of my duffel bag filled with things.

“aww, you are a cutie-pie aren’t you! where’s your mommy, huh?”

at that, my blood ran cold.

judith was downstairs, by herself, with him.

without another moment of hesitation, carl was booking it down the stairs. i closely followed; forgetting our fued and any other reason why i would be angry in the first place. judith came first.

when i got to the bottom of the stairs carl was already in a staring match with negan as he held judith in his burly arms. the sight almost made me vomit. if he was capable of all he did that night, what was stopping him from harming a baby?

“well would you look what we have here,” he smiled his wicked smile. “i remember you,” he said, pointing at me.

“give me the baby,” carl demanded, his eye narrow. i wouldn’t have wanted to be on the receiving end of his glare.

negan chuckled, “and why would i do that? she’s so precious, i don’t think i’ll ever let her go.”

i felt my eyes sting when he lifted her up higher, examining her small, angelic face with devil eyes.

“i’m not asking,” carl said confidently, his voice didn’t shake or tremble. surprisingly, he was calmer than me, and it was his sister. he kept his eyes trained on negan, never once allowing him to leave his hard gaze. “give her to me.”

negan looked between the two of us before letting out a large gasp, his eyes widening, “no fucking shit, pardon my french but, aren’t you two a little young…”

my cheeks flushed once i realized what he was implying. i slowly shook my head, staring at carl out of the corner of my eye. his eye narrowed further.

“that’s my sister.” he spat.

“this is rick’s baby girl?” negan bounced judith in his arms again, eliciting a small giggle from her. “wow! now it’s a grimes’ party!”

he eyed me up and down, “sweetheart,” he beckoned me to take the baby, and without question i stepped up, carefully taking her out of his grasp and into the safety of my arms. i let out a sigh of relief, smoothing her golden hair back.

i backed up to carl’s side again, keeping my arms strongly around judith’s small body. she twirled a strand of my brown hair around her stubby finger, giggling again.

ever so slightly, carl stepped in front of me, shielding judith and i from whatever this man could do.

“so, where’s rick?” negan asked as he began trodding around the room, picking up trinkets left in the house by the previous owners.

“not here,” carl answered stiffly. out of the corner of my eye, i saw his hand lightly graze over the top of his jeans. my heart pounded a little faster.

negan sighed disappointedly, “well, im gonna go look for him! in the meantime, a few of my men will be by here to collect half your shit for me to take! kapeesh?”

he walked over to me and patted judith’s back, getting sickenly close. i held my breath, attempting to shield my fear. “i’ll be back for you, sweetheart.”

a chill ran down my spine when judith giggled at the man’s words. it felt like i was holding that breath in all the way until the front door closed and i could breathe again.

suddenly, carl gripped my shoulders and forced me to face him. “take judith upstairs and stay there.”

boots crunching against gravel outside made my stomach drop, the sound getting closer as each second passed. i shook my head violently. “i’m not leaving you down here by yourself.”

“i’ll be fine, go upstairs. now!” he pushed me in the direction of the stairs, judith cooing. i suddenly felt the urge to tell him i loved him, to hold him and make sure he’s safe. i never wanted to leave his side.

i had barely made it up the stairs and out of sight by the time the men had opened the door and i heard carl already start with the spiteful comments. he’s gonna get himself killed.

i placed judith in her crib, cooing to her softly to make sure she was settled. i locked her door from the inside, stuffing the key in my back jean pocket and headed for the stairs. i peeked through the railings, watching carl argue with one of negan’s men while the other ransacked the kitchen.

“you said half!” carl growled, watching the men stuff cabinet after cabinet of food into a large bag.

“we’ll take as much as we want.” one of the men replied, his tone snark and condescending.

my eyes bulged when i saw carl turn around and raise his gun to the man in the kitchen. he cocked it, his finger edging the trigger. “put it back.”

at this, i ran downstairs to carl’s side, just in time for the man behind him to cock his gun, right at my head.

carl’s head turned, his face pale when he saw the cold metal pressed up against my head, and the man’s strong arm around my torso.

“put the gun down, kid.” the man with the gun to me demanded. carl didn’t budge.

“carl…” i whispered carefully, my heart thumping in my ears loud enough to the point where i could barely hear myself talk aloud. “put it down…”

he stood there for a moment, his hand holding the gun beginning to shake as his pupil turned into a devilish slit to the man threatening my life. after what felt like hours, he finally lowered the gun, and i let out a sigh of relief when the metal left my hair.

we watched in distraught as they picked apart every inch of our home. luckily, we were able to keep him from going upstairs, and they left without another word to either of us. as the front door slammed shut i was pulled harshly into carl’s arms, his whole body shaking in rage.

his grip was tight and constricting, as if the anger was flowing into the hug. i could barely get a breath out, and i felt him shakily let out a few of his own into my ear, his chin digging into the crevice between my neck and my shoulder.

i could feel his rage. it coursed through him like the blood in his veins. his brain pumped more thoughts of negan, his saviors, their wrath, and i felt him slip into his emotions.

“i love you,” he whispered, his voice harsh, embrace still solid.

a tear dropped onto the warm skin of my shoulder, and by then i knew, everything he had said to me last night was nothing but a mistake.

i nodded against him, “i know.”

———

the rest of the day he didn’t let go of me, refused to. we laid in bed and i realized he was still thinking of this mornings’ events.

rick had come back an hour after the saviors left and panicked, asking about judith and if we were okay. he saw carl practically in tears from anger on the couch and me coddling his fragile ego.

he told us to stay in the house the rest of the day, and he’d be back to salvage whatever food he could find for dinner after our kitchen became nothing but a hollow, empty shell.

laying on carl’s chest, i drew patterns onto the grey of his shirt. we laid in silence, comfortable yet uncomfortable silence, until he broke it.

“today,” he started, his voice low, “when he had his gun up to your head, i realized something.”

i lifted my head slightly to look at him, his eye trained on the wall in front of us.

“you were about to die without me saying i love you today.” he sucked in a sharp breath, “and- and i realized i couldn’t live with myself if that happened.”

he finally looked down to me, his eye glazed over, staring at my with a heartbreakingly beautiful gaze that told me everything i needed to know.

“carl-“

“if you still want to go to hilltop i wont stop you.” he continued, cutting me off, “but if they come there-“ his voice hitched, his chest tightening under me. “remember that even after what i said, i cant ever stop loving you, y/n.”

the tears that had been building in my eyes finally spilled over. i realized the extent of what we were all going through, what our reality is. that we don’t know if today is promised, more so than before we met the saviors. that humans are far more dangerous than any walker we’d ever come across.

we were all living on borrowed time, and at some point, we’d have to return it.

i buried my head in his warm chest and sobbed. sobbed for glenn, for abraham, for maggie, for judith, for me, for carl, for us together. i sobbed for what we’d never have again as far as it seemed.

safety.

“what are we gonna do,” the words tumbled out of my mouth deliriously, through snot and sobs.

he didn’t answer, but carl’s grip around me tightening, and the way his chest stuttered, answered for him when his throat had nothing to offer.

but then he spoke. low and menacing. he acquired a sort of vendetta he didn’t have the night prior. he wasn’t about to let me go for them. not anymore.

“we’re gonna make them pay.”

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