I had a hydrodistention procedure today, and it went all kinds of bad. Between major gaslighting, medical neglect, and just non-compassionate people who shouldn’t be in their chosen career until they have better bedside manner.

If a man came in with me today (there was a mix-up, but my bf was gonna come as he does), I likely would’ve been treated 10x better because men get treated with respect and women get gaslit in medical scenarios more often than men.

#Repost @keepingtheirmemoryalive317 with @use.repost ・・・ Just hold on 🖤 #Grief #GriefSucks #ForgottenMourner #SiblingLoss #GriefQuotes #GriefJourney #DailyQuote #DailyGriefQuote #FollowForFollow #IFollowBack #YouAreMissed #RIP #YouAreLoved #Loss #LossOfLovedOne #LossOfSibling #Addiction #LossToAddiction  #Quote #SadQuote #Quotes #Memories  #Poetry #Sad #Support  #Depression #Overdose #Overdoseawareness #Pain https://www.instagram.com/p/CqZyDQFsZJL/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

the hippocampus is a cruel part of the brain

i had a dream about my family.an alternate reality from the one i live now. i had a little sister and a little brother. my sister was a blue eyed blonde who was full of youth and smiles while my brother had brown eyes and brown hair , calm yet giggly and he loved hugs. just like when he was alive. they loved me like my friends siblings loved them , worshipped the ground they walked on and always wanted them around and it was like i felt the hugs in real time. i had developed such an attachment to these two kids that when i woke up all i could do was sit and mourn because i would never have that. it made me want what i could not have , for a moment i got to have my brother back and i got a little sister but then i woke up and they where gone , they weren’t there. he wasn’t there. they weren’t there and life went on as usual but the hippocampus is a cruel part of the brain to those who are grieving. he may have been telling me it’s okay to want things , i’ve been wishing i had my younger brother around still and maybe this was his way of saying “it’s okay , im okay”. this is the second dream i’ve had of him and it still takes my breath away when i wake up and fool myself into thinking he’s alive. i really really miss him.

2 Weeks

and I'm back at work

because the world doesn't stop

even when we die

little sister.

the waves of grief come and go. they take me by surprise and leave me struggling to keep it together. the knot in my throat. the watery eyes and blurry vision. it’s something i’m getting too used to. i hate it.

there really isn’t any point to asking why. it was going to happen anyways. her death. that’s the case for all of us i guess. but with her it was going to happen sooner. and it was for sure sooner. the only question or unknown was how it was going to happen. more like a multiple choice question that i never wanted answered. a test i never wanted to live through. something i could have gone my whole life without.

i never expected her to die the way she did. pneumonia. motherfucker. if only there was an easier way to get everything that isn’t supposed to be inside out. clear it all out. i keep wondering if we gave up too soon. if there was any way for things to turn out differently. the sad truth is that it was doubtful. she went into the hospital on 9/11. ain’t that something? my own personal tragedy beginning on that date, ending a few days later. the conclusion i never wanted.

how does one continue to go on with life when the ghosts of ones you love that aren’t here anymore are absent? when you can’t feel them? when they don’t haunt you? when you can’t feel anything more than numbness? and i suppose that is a feeling in itself. feeling numb. feeling nothing. feeling the absence of something. but what is supposed to be there? i haven’t got the slightest clue.

the truth is that i’ve been going through the motions for years now. decades? the greater part of a few decades. and now that i actually have sadness to feel, i don’t think i’m doing it correctly. pushing aside the numbness for moments to allow the sadness in. it's overwhelming and i shut down again as quick as i can. the numbness is comforting now. feel nothing and you don’t hurt either. convenient in some ways. total shit in others. i’m missing out on all the things that make memories worthwhile. a shell. a shell of a person. a shell of who i was. of who i think i should be as a 40 something year old person.

the real truth is that her loss was the first real strong, almost violent thing i felt in years. the most raw. before that, i felt the loss of one of my best friends and i thought that was bad. i hate to say it this way but his loss pales in comparison to hers. and i guess that makes sense. i knew her for all her life. all 33 years. all 33 years that she lived as a miracle. until she wasn't. until she wasn't anymore. until we ran out of miracles. until i lost a sister. and i’m still lost.

i miss you hermanita.

Grief is all too encompassing

Grief is something we will all experience, and it is all too encompassing. In the last week as I struggle to comprehend the enormity of losing my twin. I am aware it is made up of different emotions, but alongside autism dealing with grief is proving a little more difficult.

Not everyone is confused

When it comes to grief, not everyone is confused by it. There are many who understand why they feel what they feel, others may have their feelings compounded by guilt. But however, grief looks to you, it is important to remember not to draw comparisons on grief. No two people’s grief is the same.

Grief has its own trajectory

Grief has its own trajectory. There is no timetable through grief. We all experience different degrees of pain after loss and will go through our own stages of grief. If you are dealing with grief, it is important to deal with it, rather than deny or suppress it.

It was different grief with my parents

It felt and it was different when my parents both passed. It was a different relationship and my spiritual beliefs were enough for me to understand the process they would go through. I knew they would be 'spiritually' with me, just not physically with me and I was okay and comforted by that.

I was sad my life had changed. It was all too soon and I wasn’t mentally ready. My mum was too young and she'd had a hard life. My father was a lot older when he passed. It was more difficult letting go of ‘mum.’ My twin is 9 years younger than my mum when she passed, and at the time my twin commented on how mum was too young.

With my twin, it’s completely different… she is my twin.

For more inspirational, life-changing blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

Three years today. 🖤🖤🖤 Sandy, sometimes you’re in my dreams and when I wake up, I lay there trying to hold onto that feeling of your presence. You are missed every day. My meimei, I’ll always be your big sis no matter what lifetime we’re in. Your ferociousness and energy are things I will try to embody and teach to my future children. Whiney forever, munchkin. 😭😭😭🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 #angelversary #sisters #siblingloss #grief #griefjourney (at 𝓣𝓱𝒆 𝓤𝒏𝒊𝓿𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClRycawSWP0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

. #griefawareness #childloss #siblingloss #compassion #griefministry #grieving #grief101 #jesuswept #keepgoing https://www.instagram.com/p/CigsW0sOxqs/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

What I miss the most about @k3lk3lk3l: The way she loved her #babies. Especially how she would kiss them, pecking them really fast and making little raspberries against their cheeks. It’s now been a whole month since she left this world. The #fundraiser just made it halfway, but we want it to reach the goal before her oldest decides what he wants to do after high school. Please #share the #linkinbio again if you don’t mind. Any amount helps. Thank you to everyone who donated already. It means the world to my #family. #RIP Kel 💔 • • #raquel #kel #sons #donate #pleaseshare #pleasedonate #sister #loss #familyloss #siblingloss #passedaway #lostfamily #lostlife #gofundme #donation #savings #savingsaccount #donatetoday #donatenow #restinpeace #gonetoosoon #nampa #nampaidaho #idaho (at Nampa, Idaho) https://www.instagram.com/p/CecjId7l5mB/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

It is with great sadness that I announce Goldie left us on July 14th 2022 aka today at the ripe age of 23. A little backstory on Goldie: He was abandoned by the neighbors when he was 3 years old & my landlady adopted him & has remained my building’s cat for 2 decades. I remember hearing about Goldie for the first time & my face lit up as I was excited to meet the cutie of the building. Goldie, thank you for helping me get through all of my darkest nights in 2020 - early 2022. Thank you for all the cuddles that got me through painful times, every hug/cuddle meant the world to me especially when we were locked indoors. Your affection, the greetings every morning & for always being there for me whenever I needed you the most. I’ll never forget these precious moments 😭 You lived a long boujee cat life, requesting steak & fine foods that I’m thankful to have shared your final 2 years with you. Saying goodbye was the hardest as you were frail & I couldn’t bear to cuddle you one last time without the fear of hurting you, but your head rested on my hand & refused to let me go. Thank you for being my friend, a companion & to many others as well. You’ll be dearly missed & forever adored. Your name matched your heart as you were truly golden 🥹Rest In Peace 😿♥️xxx #griefrecovery #stillbirth #weight #memories #pregnancyloss #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #sadness #sad #weightloss #art #rip #widow #profit #bereavedparents #quotes #memorial #bereavedmother #covid #gain #griefshare #therapy #bereaved #writersofinstagram #in #selflove #siblingloss #funny #memes #poetrycommunity (at London, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CgCO3fHDkjf/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Please don’t think you’re going to “fix” my chronic illnesses by suggesting some off the wall “cure”. Chances are I’ve either (a) already tried it or (b) was told not to try it by my medical team.

Stop pushing YOUR agenda on the chronic illness community.

Reminding myself that what ever today brings, I will bring myself compassion, understanding and love The world has moved on but the ground is still unsteady and how can you balance when you don’t even recognise yourself anymore Repost from @gretchnevans • Grief leaves you exhausted and worn down; each day you now have to carry the heavy burden of knowing that someone you deeply love is dead. The last thing you need is to be harshly criticized or told that you are falling short in this already overwhelming experience. And yet, I find that this is how many grievers are speaking to themselves after loss, which is why one of the first things I prioritize is trying to weave some compassion into their story of loss, and their view of how they are surviving this loss. You have been through so much. Each day you are working through an enormous amount of pain to show up. It is incredible that you are here, and that you keep trying despite this deep and heavy loss. I know your heart is broken, I know the pain is so deep you feel like screaming. Remind yourself today that simply being here, continuing to live is incredible. So much love to you dear griever. . . . . . . . . If you are in need of support as you grieve DM me “INFO” for more information the one on one support I offer #grief #griefsupport #griefcoach #siblingloss #siblinglossmatters #suicideloss #suicidelosssurvivor https://www.instagram.com/p/CpwwEu3MU77/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

grief.

cw : grief , sibling loss , funerals

notes : two years ago i lost my brother , sometimes talking about it helps other times it doesn’t. this is to those who have lost someone to anything , sometimes it’s hard to go through it alone and tonight is just one of those nights. grief takes the best parts of you and rips them to shreds and sometimes it’s hard to hold it together. it’s okay to grief and it’s okay to feel it , it’s better than locking it away.

     grief is catastrophic , grief is a tidal wave washing over you everyday , grief is like waking up to a blanket that’s not quite long enough , sometimes you’re covered completely and other times there are parts of you left out to breath , to cope with the feelings you where given. grief is a lot of things and they all look different on someone. grief is like dancing with a ghost of your past self who sways to the music while all you can stand there and do is watch idly with your limbs limp at your side. grief is like a hug from a exiled family member who you think is kind of weird , it’s a embrace that you yearn to fight free of but all you can do is sit there and linger. grief is not warm , grief is not kind , grief is not simple. grief is like turning on a tv and finding that persons favorite movie on and feeling as if your breath was ripped from your lungs , grief is something you never get over , and you never learn to accept it. 

     two years ago on june third 2021 i woke up to my mom shaking my shoulder telling me to get up , a heavy weight in her eyes as everyone stood around his bed. i didn’t want to come out , i didn’t want to look at him , and i didn’t want be seen by the world because in my eyes they didn’t understand. they didn’t understand what it was like to lose your brother to something no one could fix , i left that day , i went everywhere i could find to ignore the problem at home , the situation that brought my family crumbling to its knees. i don’t much remember that day  , i remember being gone with my aunt to get breakfast and i remember struggling to eat my food. my mom had called me telling me that my friends mom had died , i was never that close to her but it reminded me that my brother had just died. the week of the funeral i had ignored the feeling but the night before the funeral i cried , i cried so hard i felt like my lungs where going to give out and my heart was going to burst , i cried for so long that i could barely braeth and my eyes looked patchy the next morning. i hated that i was going to a wake for my brother , someone who i was supposed to grow with , i remember wishing that everyone would leave me alone that they would ignore me like i was ignoring the wound that was still open.

     i had only looked at his casket once , i had only touched him once after he was declared dead. it was cold , and he was cold. and i remember insisting he was cremated with a jacket on in case he got cold. when the funeral came i didn’t want to move , i drove with my friends because i couldn’t bear the thought of going with my parents. i was overlooked by many of the guests , i was just the girl whose brother died while my parents where spoke to , while my parents had someone to grieve with. i sat in the back room with my friends and my friends mom. when the ceremony commenced i stood in the back of the room , i was going to sit with my family but i stepped out and for once i wasn’t invisible , i wasn’t the glass child and i was there. everyone could see me and the room got small. i rounded back into the room because i couldn’t i couldn’t handle being stared at like i was a lost puppy. i hated it , i hated the people , i hated the funeral director , i hated june. i hated spring , i hated music , i hated that my friends could laugh and carry on as if nothing happened while i stood there stuck in the entry way of the room that held mourners.

     almost two years later , i’m still grieving just as hard and completely in silence. one thing i have learned is that the feeling never goes away. the feeling that someone or something is missing on big holidays or even on a regular sunday night. that feeling will never go away , it will never cease , and it will never lighten up. you will hate that you’re alone , you will hate that the world kept moving on , you will hate that their favorite shows are still on tv even though they’re not here and you will still feel the ache deep within you every time you wake up and every time you go to sleep. the image will be burned into your eyelids while you forget your loved one’s voice and you force yourself , every so often , to remember what he sounded like. small things will set you off and the world will feel like it’s ending on somedays. you’ll hear their favorite song and have to pull over on the side of the road. grief looks different for everyone though , and this is how it looks on me.

     death is a catastrophic thing that comes in two parts. death takes , and takes , and takes , and it continues taking. the reaper does not discriminate between those who pray to a god everyday and those who walk on a shard filled path. then comes grief , grief lingers , grief makes it’s self at home of even the kindest persons heart and turns them hard and cold , grief is something you will never forget. grief imprints on you and never lets you go , it holds you in its arms and squeezes you , it makes you cold and like you’re missing something within you. i will not say it ever gets easier , but for those of you who are floating in the same boat as me , who are struggling outside of the boat and can’t find the life vest or the life raft , the tidal wave will pull you under again and again , the sharks will swarm you day in and day out and linger , and no one can pull you onto the boat , go with the tides , the waves , and sharks , let them guide you to something of acceptance if you can ever get there. it never goes away , you never forget who you lost , and it still paralyzes you , but it gets easier to live with. make it your counterpart but don’t focus on let hurt and then get back up. no fancy words will make it better , and it’s easier to get lost in what you feel is the worst of it , but it gets worse before it gets better. you’ll learn to live with it , maybe not now , or in ten years , but sooner or later it will become easier to live with. 

Submission:

I made my own personal post but I figured this might also help someone that may be grieving.

It's been 14 years since the accident that killed my brother. Officially his anniversary is 2 days later but the accident always stood out in my mind and sapped my emotional energy so by the time the actual anniversary came I was numb.

This is the first time in 2 years I've been home for the anniversary since I was away at school. And it's early in the day no telling how I'll feel in a few hours but for the first time I'm okay.

I don't feel like the world is crashing, that it should be in standstill, I don't feel like I'm burning up inside and no one can see. It took me many many years to get to a place where even saying my brother's name outloud didn't end in tears. So I want to say to anyone else suffering a loss especially a sibling take your time. It was only last year that I went the whole day without crying I could actually smile and laugh and feel okay. Obviously with a pandemic I'm not doing that but I feel okay now.

I'm sure there will be relapses where I'm crying to the world how unfair it is that I went through such a traumatic loss as a child and wish he was still here. That's normal. But to give others hope time doesn't heal all wounds but adjusting isn't as hard. I'm not about to say it's easy it's not and never is but eventually you will regain your life.

I've done a lot of personal reflection and not for the first time wonder what my brother would be like if he got to grow up. I wish he could meet our little brother who was born a few years after he died. I wish I could help our parents heal but they have to do that on their own.

I wish a lot of things that I know can never happen. But I've made a vow to myself to help others like he wanted and leave the world a little brighter than I left it.

Death and grief are apart of life it never gets easier but you get manage. So don't feel bad if a year, five, ten, or more go by and you think you're not getting better. There's no set date no set time where you can feel secure. Grief is different for everyone and not linear it's less the pyramid everyone thinks and more a winding road with tall and short hills.

It took me a long time to get to this place in my life. My condolences to everyone who lost a loved one especially if it's their birthday or the anniversary. Never feel like you're a burden you're not, heal at your own pace.

Tyler I love and miss you so much. I wish you were here with me, I hope you're proud of who I grew up to be and continue to become. You're never far from my thoughts.

Stay safe during these crazy times everyone. ❤❤❤

A smile or a hug from you

What I would give to see you again

I carry on without a piece of me

Broken and rebuilt is how I describe me

You are forever with me

"Just take this song, and you'll never feel left all alone" It's been 7 years since we've been able to listen to Motley Crue together at irresponsible times of the nights. It's been 7 years since we would have pur own make shift karaoke in the living room. It's been 7 years since we went shopping at the mall, buying band tees and getting Starbucks. Gabe's 13 now you guys would be best friends. I finally have a boyfriend that you would adore to pieces. It's been 7 years, and yet it feel so long ago and also like yesterday at the same time. I still wanna run upstairs and tell you some hot gossip about our favorite rock stars, or show you a video and everytime I feel that way, it's hits me like a ton of bricks that I can't. So 7 years have passed, and I still always think of you. Thanks for being my best friend, and the best little sister. One day when we meet up again, I hope you're ready to party, because we have a lot of lost time to make up for. Say hey to grandma, grandpa, and Clementine for me. Miss you kid. Love you always. #7yearsgone #littlesister #siblingloss #timeslowsfornoone #loveeveryonealittlehardertoday #donateyourorgans https://www.instagram.com/p/CCbEnHYplTe/?igshid=1jy1g478qr7nc