#she also grew up in the same area and we talk a LOT about how isolating it was being in this place between two worlds | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

haliteatiger · 1 month

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Happy Werewolf Wednesday, ya'll! We're serving up a big pot of tea tonight so get those cups ready!

Special thanks to Blackbackedjackal and King for their help in putting this together, editing, and especially to Jackal for being so supportive and encouraging. I'm very much not normally the type to do call-out posts, but people need to be aware of Dogblud, as she has hurt, not only myself, but quite a few others as well, and seems to have somehow gotten away with behaving like this for 20-odd years. I'm of the mind she shouldn't be allowed to do so any more, hence this post.

TL;DR - Beware of Dogblud, aka Ashryn, aka DogofBlud, aka ThatDogMagic. Very, very long post under the cut.

With everything happening with DogBlud and Blackbackedjackal's studio, I felt emboldened to come forward with my own experiences with her. This is something I've been carrying around since it happened roughly 2 years ago. It was one of the main reasons that put me off drawing werewolves, my own characters, or engaging any more in the fandom. I've hinted at it a few times but I've never had the energy to come forward and deal with the fall out. I wanted to move on with the rest of my life because IRL was more important than online drama. And I knew her behavior would come back to bite her sooner or later, regardless of what I did.

It's been very validating to see that I was right.

It was around the time that Blud and I became friends that I was feeling a bit burnt out on werewolves. I'd been trying to pull together my own werewolf-related project for something close to 12 years. The past 4 years had also been pretty draining on me creatively and socially, as it had for a lot of artists with regards to the pandemic. I also had some IRL things I was dealing with: mainly with my marriage and transitioning between medications to manage my anxiety + bipolar.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to screenshot everything at the time. I do have logs from back when we roleplayed together. There are several conversations in them but because they were saved as text documents, they're pretty dubious in terms of solid evidence.

It would have been better if I had taken screenshots as it was happening, rather than just saving the logs. With what I *do* have, however, I feel as though it may be enough to make the point that I'm trying to make, and to exhibit how horrible things got.

I'll provide some context.

I had talked with Blud on and off over the years, and we had always gotten along. We had a lot in common and after we had started talking more, our friendship eventually grew into a collaborative project. We were going to combine our stories and write a comic based on it. We had a lot of discussions on how Blud was reticent to do this in the beginning and how she wanted a contract to be made up so that in the event that something *did* happen, we could both walk away feeling like it was handled fairly.

Honestly, I should have listened to the first alarm that went off in my brain, when, in an act of ominous foreboding she said something along the lines of don't be so sure, it could happen. It was in response to me being like "we're getting along so well and share so much of a bond right now. I can't fathom that being a problem!"

The contract never materialized. It was something we had decided to do *after* we had put together something of a prototype project to see how well we worked together. It made complete sense to me at the time as we were both eager to focus on the fun parts of writing and drawing together.

It was decided that I would be the lead artist (doing coloring and final lines) while Blud would do everything else (which was inking, layouts, and the majority of the writing). The both of us felt that she had more experience in those areas. I also believed that she had a better knack for it as well. I had felt that she had a better understanding of story structure than myself. And I thought that Blud had felt the same way about my art. That I had the experience to take point on that.

Since I had collaborated with other artists and writers before, I attempted to approach the project with the same sort of professionalism I always do. Especially the projects that I genuinely thought stood a chance of being published in the future. We had started out trying to get a feel for each other's flows and rhythms. I had expected Blud to try and meet me in the middle of where our processes would potentially differ from one another, so that we could develop a fairly smooth workflow.

I had also expected, according to our discussions on the matter, that we would value each other's opinions on things and take them into consideration. We had such good synchronicity already.

In the beginning, there wasn't any unusual behavior that caught my attention. Blud was a bit uncomfortable with trying out new things but I did my best to accommodate her so that our project could move forward without too much turbulence. She had also mentioned to me before that she was autistic, and since my husband is also autistic, I knew how difficult it could be when it came to adapting to new routines. But when it was time for her to deliver the first set of layouts, it wasn't at all what I expected.

What I had expected was something with margins, clearly marked boxes, and figures that I could do rough lines over. I also expected notes that confirmed what we had discussed earlier about the project; that way I knew what she wanted or if there would be any changes. She took offense to this, feeling like I was violating our agreement. Though Blud did try to give me space with regards to the actual art, and while she would offer criticisms here and there, I trusted her opinion as an artist and as a friend. But apparently that didn't go both ways. In fact, Blud seemed to be offended that I expected more from her.

Blud agreed to concede. She suddenly seemed fine with the changes that I had asked for after seeing the layouts. I guess she was feeling overstimulated by the change and I might have been applying too much of a critical tone to her responses to begin with. I have had to deal with rejection sensitivity throughout my life and it's certainly prompted me to approach what people say to me online with a bit of scrutiny (sometimes too much).

And while I was mildly annoyed, although admittedly I was more concerned with Blud's overall reaction to my asking for clarification about several things in the layouts, I let it go. But it seemed like there was a problem. The majority of my ideas were either rejected or outright overridden with Blud convincing me that my faulty memory had made me unable to remember what we had agreed upon. Or that I might have been misremembering in my own favor.

There was one time where we were discussing a monster's design. Blud had already decided to settle on one design that she had come up with, even as I continued to offer other suggestions. The story was to take place in my setting, so I was under the impression that I got to decide what kind of creatures should populate it. The conversation ended somewhat ambiguously. I had assumed that we'd come to a solid conclusion later.

I came back the next day and it turned out that we were using her design because that was what we had decided on. "Don't you remember? You really need to do something about that faulty memory of yours, Tek. I can't be doing this for you all the time."

At which point, Blud would go back and meticulously scour the conversation until she managed to find a set of lines that would make it seem as though I had 100% agreed. Even when I tried to explain that I had meant something else, she took it as an affront on her inability to understand nuances due to her autism.

I admit that my memory isn't that greatest at times, but I've never had anyone complain about it before. And none of my friends have ever minded providing reminders to me if I did misremember something incorrectly. We all forget stuff at times, right? It's *still* something that I'm self-conscious about because (like a lot of people with ADHD) my memory seems selective at times. This was, apparently, a problem that I needed to manage.

And even as I'm remembering these incidents to the best of my ability, I've already spent so much time recounting all of this to friends. I feel confident in my recollection. There are some details that may overlap or become entwined with other things, but it all basically tells the same story. Especially in conjunction with what's been said by others. You're free to take it as hearsay since I do not have screenshots to back this up.

I will mention (since I've been told it's something that Blud has taken particular interest in) that at one point, I did have a crush on her. I was having some problems IRL, and it was nice to have someone whom I felt actually understood me. I also felt like I saw a lot of myself in her. I think that, at one point, I did describe her as the kind of "girlfriend" I would want. Blud seemed to indicate the feeling was mutual.

Between our collaborative partnership and all of the details we shared about our lives, it did feel like an intimate relationship at times. I had no intentions of pursuing it. We were not compatible in our romantic and sexual identities, and I had no intention of leaving my current partner for her.

I had begun to notice red flags, even if I wasn't ready to accept them yet.

I've had experience with abusive relationships in the past but they were in person, and not online. I knew what to look out for and yet I was being willfully ignorant about our friendship. I wanted to give Blud the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the project to work *so* badly that I was willing to work with her increasing demands as the months went by.

I had no idea that those demands would change into, quite literal, temper tantrums. It would then trigger my fawning response which was due to an abusive family situation that I had dealt with before I moved to Canada. The tactic was this: concede to someone until there was a time that they either understood reason or I had the chance to use it against them if necessary.

I started to take screenshots. I wish that I had taken a lot more of them so that everyone could get a better idea of what was happening. I did go back and manage to record the majority of the first outburst. It was the first inkling I had that Blud wasn't playing with a full deck of cards. I knew that that would be one of the first conversations that she would promptly delete. And consequently, I was right.

This assortment of screenshots will exhibit the first serious confrontation that Blud had with me. I am absolutely *not* proud of how I handled this. I was literally panicking at the time and doing whatever I could to get her to calm down. Because I have a temper that can look similar to this in person, I knew that I had to wait until the post-tantrum clarity would hit Blud. I tried my best to not lose my own temper in turn but looking back, I feel that I came off as sounding too timid.

I didn't want to ruin this project.

I wanted to make a comic with an individual that I admired and respected as a fellow artist. And, with me not knowing how to respond, my main priority was to not make things any worse than they already were.

Below is the conversation in its entirety:

I had taken this screenshot on my phone after I had stepped away to compose myself. Blud had handled the confrontation and criticism with a reasonable amount of apprehension. But what had not occurred to me was that I could have said something that would remind her of past experiences with a roleplaying group.

It was something that had evidently scarred Blud for life.

I took away the wrong things from what she had told me, choosing to focus on the aspects of the "betrayal" that had appeared to bother her the most. And in hindsight, I did not see the correlation. I was genuinely apologetic that I had hurt her feelings.

But I *will* critique Blud for her poor handling of the situation. Whether or not I had hurt her feelings, no one is entitled to act like this or claim that this is what attempting to resolve a problem should look like.

I wasn't sure on how to initially respond to Blud. It had been ages since I'd had to deal with someone flying off the handle like that.

The following screenshots are where the conversation picked up, after she had already deleted the above message:

We had weathered the "storm" and after Blud calmed down, she was ready to communicate. There was a part of me that was genuinely sincere when I apologized to her. I did mean it when I said that I had no intentions of hurting her and that I hadn't considered how my statement would sound to her.

I had hoped that this had been a stress response due to factors outside of our collaboration. And especially when I took into account how she had interacted with me in the past. I knew that Blud had a lot going on IRL, and that she had already put a considerable amount of energy into this project.

I had taken her meltdown more personally than she could perceive that I would, because this was something that was acceptable to her. She had a "condition" that would absolve her of these abhorrent meltdowns and I needed to get used to them if we were going to continue working on that project together.

I was shaking the entire time we were typing in the chat.

I was sincere in my responses. I really did want to work things out with Blud and give her the benefit of the doubt. I could have been taking the things that she said too personally or maybe I had been reading too much into the situation. Was there a chance that I could have been misreading her outburst? I tried my best to keep an open mind though I was still somewhat baffled by the fact that she would have meltdowns as often as she did.

I confided in my husband and some other friends about the situation. They were also bewildered by Blud's actions.

By this point, I was struggling with the reality that this collaboration was most likely *not* going to work out but I still wanted to try. I still cared about Blud. We would still hang out together and talk about things like music, our characters, or our stories.

While I did have the foresight to go back and screenshot this section, I wasn't fast enough to get screenshots of everything else that I will be going over. Blud *did* admit to going back and deleting certain exchanges due to a mixture of shame; not wanting to look at them when she would scroll through our conversations.

In retrospect, it was very telling.

And even after that meltdown, I still enjoyed the friendship that I had with her. I kept my guard up but I was willing to make compromises on her behalf if it resulted in better communication between the two of us. Blud made me promise to immediately tell her if I had a problem with something. I also agreed to keep notes of our conversations.

It worked for the most part.

In the end though, it became apparent that Blud wasn't willing to do the same for me (even after we had an extended conversation about it). I then realized that I had been tasked with basically *managing* her autism for her. I was already busy with my supposedly "bad memory" at the time; and Blud was more than ready to scroll back up through our conversations to cherry-pick a line or two of text to remind me of what was said earlier.

Because, for her, circumstances couldn't ever change. If they did, it would mean that Blud had lost control of the situation and that she was in the wrong. She could *not* be in the wrong.

And if she was in the wrong? It would take solid evidence, three witnesses, and a court of law to prove it.

She had two other major meltdowns after this. I managed to step away from communicating with her through one of them and I don't remember the other meltdown lasting very long. She immediately deleted the texts of both of those instances before I could take screenshots of them.

It seemed like I could do nothing right when it came to Blud, no matter the lengths I would go to accommodate her. I knew that it was a common tactic used by abusers. I finally accepted that our partnership wasn't going to work out and I began thinking about an exit strategy. The final straw was when she began to expect me to be at her beck and call.

I had promised that I would be there for her, within reason, and I was willing to offer reassurances whenever she would ask me for them. The promise had been made back when we had first started to talk to one another with more frequency, before Blud had shown me her true colors. I would end up completely underestimating just how badly she would need reassurance.

To be frank, I underestimated a lot about Blud in the beginning.

I would end up mentioning that I enjoyed my space in several different conversations with her. That there was a chance that I might be offline for several days so I could take care of things IRL and recharge my social batteries. I'm somewhat of a recluse. And an adult who enjoys things that aren't online.

She said that it was fine.

I became incredibly anxious when I would talk to Blud, especially after her somewhat abrupt change in personality.

I then attempted to put my foot down about boundaries and this is what she had to say:

I decided to walk away for a bit and I came back after I had had some time to think things over. This wasn't healthy for either of us. I wrote a couple of sentences to say goodbye to Blud before I blocked her. I knew that my actions would probably infuriate her. She had told me in the past that she *hated* not being able to have the final word... which she was able to do through email:

“And I'm not letting you pretend you have control over the situation, or the high ground. You distinctly have neither. But since you're determined to stick to your 'principles' on this, I've decided to make it easier for you.”

She thought that she was absolved of all sins just because I had said that I would stand by her at her worst. And at the time that I said that, I had no idea that her worst would be her trying everything possible to protect her boundaries while stomping all over mine. It didn't matter what she said or how often she would apologize when I would confront her. She kept doing it.

I admit that I wasn't perfect in this situation either.

There were times when I was condescending, critical, or downright mean when I talked to Blud because that was the way I had felt when she was talking to me. I soon realized that it didn't matter either way. I could have been using the friendliest tone imaginable and she still would have perceived it as either mocking or dismissive on my end. There were even a few times where I would preface my explanations with an advisory “please know that I am not attacking you and try to read this in an understanding tone,”etc. I would then post an explanation I had spent hours picking at to ensure that there was no way she could misinterpret the intent. Even so, she still read the majority of what I said as criticism and would take it to heart.

I never expected Blud to do something that made her uncomfortable; nor did I expect her to overextend herself when it came to our project. I would go out of my way to make sure everything was fine when we would talk about it. I only expected mutual respect in return.

When we would get into discussions (arguments), she would never attempt to understand my point of view or let me explain myself. It would have made it about me when it should have been about Blud and her needs. She sometimes would agree to come to a compromise about something, but only if I would admit that I was in the wrong.

I know that if Blud was to look at these screenshots, she'd be incredulous that I'm trying to distract from the horrible things that *I* did. And those horrible things that I did? I tried my best to work with her.

It wasn't just her poor teamwork that bothered me. It was her attitude and the lack of respect that she showed me. She would never ask me to clarify something that I said; always assuming that it was a criticism against her. I can only speculate that Blud did not want to hear about how any of this was her fault, like in the email she sent me.

I don't know if I was actually her friend at any point. Friends make efforts to understand one another. Ideally, they’d want their friendships to continue, and they would want everyone to be getting along and having fun. She seemed to actively defy that.

I would argue that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum. There's almost always a reason for such things, but it's honestly a mystery to me as to where this vitriol comes from. I don't know why Blud sees monsters in every word, especially if they come from a "friend".

I've seen her viscously mock herself during meltdowns; it seems like she hates herself and expects everyone else to hate her too. I think that she wants it to be the truth, so that it validates the feelings she has about herself. The behavior patterns that I'd been exposed to are consistent with the idea that Blud is seeking confirmation about the personal assumptions she has about herself. It's what makes her so volatile to those around her. Yet, she refuses to break the cycle.

I hope that she can make that choice in the future but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

#dogblud #it feels a bit dirty doing a call out post #but people need to know #she's gotten away with this for far too long #i generally tend to give people the benefit of a doubt #clearly too much #but you can only make up so many excuses before you begin to realize that #at the end of the day #people still have the ability to make a choice #“everyone always leaves me”#well maybe you should really consider what the common variable is #just sayin

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nexility-sims · 1 month

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𝐍𝐎. 𝟕 ❛ 𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 ❜ | AUGUST 1991

❧ 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 / 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 / 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 / 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭.

Trish Fitzpatrick wore many hats, but her favorite was “freelance journalist.” Her area of expertise grew directly out of myriad side gigs: what she called portrait pieces of interesting people. Outlets clamored for them—or, they had since she’d buttered up famous, neurotic opera singer-turned-starlet Prudence Boone into revealing she had a glass eye, a secret runaway daughter, and a hair-eating habit. Of course, Prudence was basically a stranger. They had once had a fifteen minute conversation on the deck of a yacht, bonding over the fact that neither actually knew to whom the vessel belonged. Prudence thought Trish’s outlandish suggestions were funny enough to remember her when she called to pitch the piece. It had gone the same way with Renzo. Of course, they had met while fighting over a scarf in a vintage clothing store. Trish considered letting him win to be a debt, one for which she would demand recompense at the ideal time. Opportunities passed, and then August 1991 proved to be the time.

❧ i got the irresistible urge to do renzo backstory, which was meant to be an outtake, but then i was like, "uh, no, this totally works as story proper if i put leonor in it," so here we are ! context and such. given the amount of work, this might be my magnum opus until further notice ... it was also just fun to do :^) checked off the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll boxes ?? where's my prize. in conclusion, i love my white boy of the week or whatever

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭 ↓

I grew up in a tiny town—Petunia. Petunia? You say it differently. It’s the country coming out, I guess. Not “pee-tyoon-ee-ah,” it’s “puh-toon-yuh.” Petunia. That’s it. So, how was it? Fond memories? In retrospect, maybe. I wanted to get the hell out of there from day one. What I remember is being very unhappy—dispositionally sullen, not just a pouty kid, but fully down and out. Born that way, probably. And your parents? My parents … Life had the upper hand, man. They were good at losing. I didn’t want that life.

My dad professed to be a traveling salesman—What, he wasn’t? I mean, he didn’t know jack shit about vacuums or whatever the fuck. I don’t know. But, he wasn’t around a lot, it sounds like? Gone for weeks at a time. Just me and my mom. How was she? Not really there either. When I got home from school, she’d pop her pills and be gone until morning. She wasn’t avoiding me; she was avoiding life. She did what she had to do in the mornings—you know, I had what I needed, the bare essentials—but she was checked out. You had a lot of unsupervised time, then. Oh, did I. Too much. I mean, I had books to read, and I got into music early—From her? No. My dad’d blow into town and bring pity gifts. Not kid-appropriate shit, now that I think about it. Heavy, gritty stories. A guitar I was too little to use. Flip lighter. But, you know, I was a kid. I wanted to run and play with everyone else, too. Of course.

Here’s the thing: it was hard to be a scrawny kid named Lorencio in Petunia. Shit, I can imagine. What was that like? … Hard, like I said. Well—Details? I got the shit kicked out of me. Regularly. What do they call it—um—“school of hard knocks”? Yeah. I remember, one time, I limped home on a Saturday. Mom was out of it, but she leapt up when she saw all the blood. Cleaned me up. It’s like I’m there now—in that bathroom with the dirty tile, her burning me with peroxide … She didn’t really talk, you know, not in a serious way? But she did then? She said, in Uspanian, “‘Don’t roll over for anyone.’” Interesting. So, that’s the lesson? Part of it. I realized that summer it didn’t matter if you were scrawny, if you talked funny, if you were poor. What mattered was not being a pussy. [Laughs] Oh, yeah? If you want credibility, if you want respect, sometimes you gotta be able to take a beating. Don’t roll over. That’s right.

I think it also helped when the growth spurt hit. You must’ve still been scrawny. [Laughs] String bean. So it goes. Adolescence . Now, you grew up fast, is what I’ve heard. You could say that. My life changed when Marty got out of lock-up—Sorry, what?—for “teen offenders”; he set his grandparents’ car on fire—oh, I see, regular kid shit—Uh huh. We hit it off. He introduced me to other guys, including Jesse. They’d huff gas together. Oh my God. Not whippits? Sure, but less convenient. That’s—No good, yeah. Fun though. Have you—? I’ve tried everything, Patricia.

Jesus! So, Marty and Jesse…? We got on like a house fire. [Groans] They were into petty crime for the thrill of it—Now, Renzo, is arson petty? He did it one fucking time. Everyone overreacted. They got into trouble for fun, and for you it was—? Money. Not a lot. I was too dumb to consider the risks. But, you did other things for money, too? Don’t say it like that. I wasn’t hooking. [Snorts] I worked a lot. I was cutting school to work, getting paid under the table, all of that. Maybe—hear me out—some of it was thrilling for you, too? I won’t tell anyone. [Chuckles] What can I say? Credibility.

I feel like I’m mischaracterizing … I love Marty and Jesse, to this day. Jesse’s daughter is your godchild, right? Yeah. Marty went back to Petunia in … ‘88? Jesse and I had better luck, or maybe we were just more desperate. Either way, my point is that delinquents get a bad rap—With good reason! Sure, okay. Both of them were deeper and more complicated than that. You’re not an outlier. No. We’re a dime a dozen. No one gives them the chances you got. Uh huh. So, we bonded over that—feeling down and out, like I said, but also the fact that we loved music. Marty’s family had money, so they’d bought him a nice bass guitar. But, Jesse’s mind … He’s so fucking creative. He wasn’t a reader, but I could tell him about something I’d been chewing on, and he’d have a song inspired by it within the hour. He has an incredible voice, too. He does.

I guess it’s not surprising that you guys did what you did. There was nothing for us at home, you know? Packing up and heading out west didn’t feel like a risk. And your mom understood that? Better than anyone. I know people judged her—shit, I judge her, too—but I always knew she was trying. That’s sweet. Is it? I mean, I think so … She met my dad at a bus stop three weeks after she arrived in the country and made the mistake of getting off at his stop. That’s it. That was her crime. Well, I’m sure she’s doing better now, huh? She lives in a nicer house in a nicer city, but that doesn’t cure depression, now does it? I suppose not. There was this woman whose lawn I’d cut all the time … A real bitch, but she was extra nice because she felt bad for me. Hated my mother. I think she was just jealous because my dad was her high school sweetheart. Isn’t that just how it goes? Damn foreigner stealing a real catch from her. [Scoffs] Sticky fingers when she invited me inside for lemonade—cigs and quarters from her purse, Valium from the cabinet, that kind of thing. [Laughs] Casual. It was pretty brazen, honestly. Fucking dumb kid.

Alright, so, you come out here with Marty and Jesse to make music, and now you’re a serious actor with a name and a big career ahead of you. How’d that happen? It was completely accidental. While we waited for a record deal, I did odd jobs, like auto work—you know, in a body shop. It was decent. Had you worked on cars before that? So, I got familiar, uh … [Chuckles] We’ve established I was a rascal. We could get under the hood of a parked car and make a few dollars off parts. I can get you in so much trouble, Renzo! [Laughs]

Don’t tell anyone, come on! I was a kid. Have a heart. I guess it paid off. But, alright, body work? What’s the connection? It’s kind of convoluted. When business was slow, the guy I worked for loaned his employees out to another mechanic. This guy, long story short, brought me along to assist him on a movie set. I guess he was a known quantity? Everyone knows the right guy! That’s everyone’s explanation for where they end up. Me, too. Uh huh. I don’t know why they let me do it, but—Somehow it worked out. Yeah, it did. Right place, right time.

You’re in the spot. How did you get into it, though? This is embarrassing as hell but, fuck it, I’ll be honest. Please. Don’t stop now. [Chuckles] I got a shot because I’d been chatting up this girl who, as it turns out, was the director’s kid—or, in fact, she approached me. I had no idea who she was or why she was there. Of course she did! That’s not surprising, is it? I think I was the most disinterested person there. I don’t know. Anyway, we talked a couple times, then—out of the blue—someone asked me if I wanted to hop into a scene, say a line, ten seconds flat. She did that for you? I don’t know what she did. No one mentioned her. Maybe she thought you looked like a movie star. [Snorts] Fuck. I hope not. Did you want to do it? I wanted to make music. I wanted to finish reading my book. I wanted … I mean, I said yeah. Can’t decline that. Makes a good story, right? What happened with her—? Oh, hell. Sorry! Moving on, for now. [Groans]

I got a call several weeks later about an audition. How did that feel? Bizarre. We’d done a demo for a producer once, but this was different. Were you excited? I was terrified. But, I went. Didn’t get that part, although everyone was perfectly nice to me. How disappointing. You always remember your first … But, hey, you have to look at it this way: I didn’t want to be an actor. I thought it was cool, but it felt like … ? Go ahead, give me a good metaphor. Like when you’ve been craving your favorite food, but then someone offers you a helping of something different, new, appetizing. How’s that? Passable. C-plus. [Laughs] Fuck you, Pat.

Okay, so the road didn’t end there. No, it didn’t. I got another call, and that one went well. This was for … Sugar Sweet? That’s the one. Cornball, but I love that movie. Never seen it. What! How is that possible? You were in it. You went to the premiere screening. There are pictures. Saw my first scene, excused myself to go piss, didn’t come back until the applause had started. Wow. Everyone has opinions about that movie these days—very contentious, whether or not Alicia was in the wrong when she left me and stole my lifelong dream. What do you think? Me, Renzo? Good for her. I thought it was kind of bitchy. It’s peculiar how many women say that. I wonder why … ! Billy’s so dreamy. Please, ask me about something else, Pat. So, this romantic comedy is your launching pad. It leads to the television show. The television show blows up immediately. Walk me through what that felt like?

Also terrifying. I really cannot emphasize enough that I didn’t want attention. I wanted money and time to support my music, and acting seemed like a good way to do that. Just didn’t account for the side effects. Like fame? Uh huh. I was a nobody in Sugar Sweet, and the pay was shit, but it felt like a miraculously good deal at the time. What it did is put me in the running for more serious work. I think, even then, sometimes the casting folks were hesitant to take a risk on someone with no experience whatsoever, even if they had—A spark? Talent? Sure. It was unsettling, the idea that I was some kind of “natural,” and I compensated by working really hard. Well, you’ve established yourself as a hard worker. Sure. I guess they saw that—the improvement, in addition to the fact that I had a resume to speak of by then. Or, eh, they saw that you were pretty. Right, of course, you don’t need talent if you have Teen Mag’s favorite cheekbones. [Snickers] I joined a cast with other people who had very little experience, and we bonded over that. I just didn’t expect to be … What, the center of attention? That, yeah.

You know what’s fucking weird? Huh? Signing your name on a picture of your own face that belongs to someone else. That they’re going to take it home and pin it to their fucking wall or frame it on their bedside table. Someone’s kid treating you like their school crush, blushing and shit while they’re asking for you to do it. That does seem like a strange experience. Over and over again. Teenyboppers, goddamn. You were in the magazines for them. I read a couple interviews. No the fuck I was not. I did not do those. No? What they do is take quotes from actual, consented conversations and stitch them together for their own use. It’s legal. That’s fascinating. Maybe I should try that. Less work. [Laughs] Yeah, alright, flush your “exclusive access” privilege right down the toilet.

But, look, I’m not disparaging the fans wholesale. That’d be unfair. And, ouch, ungrateful? Yeah. The initial couple years were fucking insane, but I was with people I liked, and a lot of the fans we actually met were … Normal? Uh huh. Not a hysterical, handsy, screaming blob. You got grabbed? Groped, Pat. Oh boy. We don’t like grabass, I guess. Well, hold on now, just not like that—You keep sidetracking me. What kind of interviewer are you? I’m having fun with my buddy! Sue me. [Chuckles] You got it, baby. What was I saying? The fans? Yeah. The ones we met one-on-one were cool, usually. They had deep thoughts about the show, you know? Ideas about the characters, the plots—filled in holes in the shitty writing. No offense to Jack and Reuben, I hope! Don’t print that, Pat.

If I’m being honest, having to answer their questions made me think deeply about the role. That’s stayed with me. I don’t like being walked up on in public, but sometimes it’d go fine. The first time someone came up to me in the wild, her mother looked so fucking apologetic that I decided, “Cool it, don’t be a jackass.” She wanted to talk about the book I was buying. Same thing would happen to Frank, Perry, Vicky. How about the show itself? That was a three year commitment.

It was alright. In retrospect, I understand that television isn’t for respectable actors, which made the transition hard. Harder to have been on a show for teenagers. But, you made that switch in Uspana. So, did that play into the calculus at all? I lucked out, in the sense that the show was co-produced, and I got to do the dubbing for the Uspanian version. I wasn’t a total unknown, even if they thought my Uspanian was shitty. Is it? Losing an accent is hard, in my defense.

When my contract ended, I hit the road. You didn’t think about staying on? I thought about it with horror, yes. [Laughs] You’d keep shit-talking the whole production if I let you. Maybe. So, in Uspana? It was like exhaling for the first time in a while. I did nothing for a couple months. All that hard work, being a beloved TV star … Throw me a bone, Pat. But, anyway, I didn’t even see my mom’s family again for a few weeks—You knew them, though? Yeah, we’d met, during the press trips. Beach life by yourself. Luxury.

You know, I needed to reconnect with myself. That’s how I felt. I felt like I had been an imposter, then I felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t, and now … You could go a different way. A fork in the road, for your career. Your life, really. Right, yeah. I went to Canarís like any good tourist. I had more money than I’d ever had in my life. I had no plans. Sounds like a dream. It was.

Crucially, I was out of my mind most of the time. Kite high. So fucking high. I swear I almost drowned twice, at which point it was politely suggested that I stop using the pool. Did you politely agree? Fuck no. [Laughs] Troublemaking aside, I ended up taking phone calls, making plans with people—Industry people? Yeah. There were people I knew already, but meeting the ones I really wanted to work with happened kind of organically—parties, premieres for other films, cafes. At the Morningstar Cafe in Canarís? Right, exactly. Same way I ended up finding The Den. Someone at the cafe had worked with Karolina Teague, and she took me there one evening after we all got tossed out of some poor son of a bitch’s house. Sounds rowdy. Can’t blame him. It was after midnight. And? Well, it was a lunch that’d started at eleven in the morning, so. [Chuckles]

So, I have a question. You’re pretty consistent—in terms of behavior. “Behavior?” [Snorts] Yeah, okay, I understand. What was that like, with cameras on you? The photographers in Uspana definitely aren’t less aggressive. That’s part of it. I don’t know if I’d call it an epiphany, but I left Canarís for Nakawe with the understanding that I was going to just do what I wanted to do. Oh boy. Within reason, fuck. Reason. Sure, yes. You didn’t feel like a dumb kid anymore. I mean, I guess I have more fun with the camera guys here. They can get away with more, ergo, so can we.

I distinctly recall you got arrested for—I barely touched that guy or his fucking camera. Did him a favor, if I did. Dogshit quality device. [Chuckles] Not sure he saw it that way, but the charges were dropped. I mean, don’t get me wrong, shouldn’t have reacted that way. I kept thinking about my mom seeing those pictures … The one time I got picked up, she backhanded me in the middle of the station, right in front of the cops. Jesus. In the car, she goes, “If you get caught again, I’m going to rip your ears off.” Empty threat, I guess.

The Den—I want to talk about that. Please, let’s. Your first time there? It was with Karolina, like I said, and there was a local band playing that night. They’d wrapped up their set by the time we arrived and were just … jamming on the stage, taking feedback and requests from the people who were still there. Some kind of funky jazz mash-up. I liked it. How did it come to you? It opened in ‘57 as a bar and, at some point, it turned into more of a music venue open to a certain segment of Nakawe. The guy who owned it gave exposure to a lot of people who went on to really do something with their art, and that’s why it ended up being a somewhat exclusive spot. Celebrities already knew it and brought their friends. Uh huh. I could stroll up, and the cameras weren’t with me because they were already there. He got tired of that, I think—He was an older fella, right? Yeah. But, really, he managed other properties, and The Den wasn’t his passion project the way it’s become for me. So, you had the money and took it off his hands.

What goes on in there? [Laughs] Pat, you’ve been inside. Well, not for me! If I’m going to describe it to people who’ll never go inside, what would I say? I mean, it’s a hangout spot. It’s a performance venue. We had, uh, mimes last month. Truly gifted, those people. [Laughs] Really? I don’t come up with all of the ideas myself, but I only agree to the shit I’m interested in. It’s kind of selfish, but I guess I’m lucky to know a lot of people who’ll toss in five dollars to enjoy it. It’s something. Compelling. I mean it. Thanks. That’s not all, though. I mean, you describe it as a “haven.” It’s very private. Some of your regulars are troubled individuals. Damn, Patricia, just say it. I feel like a cop! “Do you condone drug use in your establishment?” nonsense. But, well … I’m not explaining it. Either you—they, whoever the hell—get it or don’t. Come for the music, come to unwind however you like, doesn’t fucking matter to me as long as you’re coming with an invitation. I like to go in the back room, close the door, let the music and noise seep through. Muffled. You don’t really strike me as a partier, frankly. You never have. I wouldn’t argue with that. I like parties, but I don’t need to be at the center. Some do. That’s fine. This place is for us all.

Maybe it works out because of that, that you’re curating this space but not necessarily always in it? What do you mean? Well, you reopened it and then, if memory serves, immediately went off to do a film. The party kept going. You just like to know it’s happening. Alright, sure. That’s true. Knowing it’s there … Yeah. I like it. I was in that back room, thinking about the script, when I decided to do it, actually. Life felt like it was falling into place. It was a good time to take a leap. “’You are going to be a cowboy?’” “’No, I’m going to be a farmer.’” I had that conversation a thousand times. Reporters, man. Hey! Everyone was so surprised. I think they thought the premise was … I don’t know, that it just wasn’t something I would want to do? Or, worse, that the filmmakers wouldn’t want to work with someone like me? Unflattering assumptions, sounds like. Can’t blame them. I had a lot to prove. Still do.

How was six weeks in Texict? Fucking heaven. I loved it. My mother’s from the northwest so, even when I visited family, it wasn’t anywhere close. No reason to visit until we dropped in to do the film. Every day, I woke up happy to be alive. Happy to be doing this job. Gorgeous. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess it wasn’t just the location, was it?

No, you’re right. I felt like I was really acting—for the first time, seriously. Maybe the cast helped? I’d worked with established actors before. The leads in Sugar Sweet were—well, you know who they were. I learned a ton from them. But, yeah, I guess Sasha was the first person I’d worked alongside who had me sweating. Oh? I wanted to impress her so fucking badly. I wanted to keep up, you know? So talented. So raw. She rips every line out of her chest with her bare hands. Bloodbath of emotion. The premise was new, too. Not a lighthearted romance this time. No. We were young parents of a ill child—stressed as fuck, trying to make life work, struggling separately to be together. Can’t lie, I ate that shit up. So did the critics. Hell yeah.

Every nomination felt surreal. The recognition was incredible. Validating. Sasha and some of the others swept up. I was just honored to be up there with them, honestly. Okay, well, let’s talk about Sasha. Do we have to? Yes. Indulge me! [Grumbling] I mean, all I can really say at this point is that I was obsessed, and it wasn’t until it was over that I had the clarity of mind to really wonder, hm, “Was I in love with Sasha, my coworker, or was I in love with Sasha playing Lucy, my wife?” That seems like an occupational hazard. I wouldn’t describe it that way. You take sensitive, delusional, beautiful people, pay them to get vulnerable and intimate with each other … It’s special, even if it’s … Not genuine? No, it is that. It’s not real, but it is genuine. How else can you say, “Well, our schedules don’t line up anymore, but I’ll have this scar of our initials forever?” You do not! No, I don’t. The letter S is really hard to cut without fucking up. Not a sober man’s idea. No.

Since I have you on the topic—hey, no, absolutely not—I’m obligated to ask if there’s anyone in your life right now. How’s that? Women’s magazines can snap this up and stitch it together for themselves. This is a public service. Patricia … Yes, Lorencio?

Look, I know you do your research. I do. I’m very good at it, too. What’s that like, princess pus—Pat. Pat, I’m begging you—Are you obsessed? The letter L is easier, I bet. It is. Would you go with another L or an R?

I’m not talking about this—not for you to print, anyway. Well, talk to me as a friend, then? I’m not just professionally nosy. We’re friends? Who else calls me Pat and gets away with it? You haven’t been Trish in a long time, it’s true … [Sighs] Fuck. Someone can be precious, right? Lovable. You can hold them in your hands and think, “This person matters to me. They’re special. I like to be around them; I like to listen to them; I want their affection.” You can really, genuinely cherish someone.

But? Maybe you find their life to be completely fucking repellent. Unbearable. … Damn.

There’s parallels, though, right? I mean, fame is fame, there’s got to be value in relatability, and—There’s an open mic going on downstairs in the hotel bar right this minute. Let’s take a break, Pat, what do you say? Let’s just go watch some of it. I’ll let you print dick measurements and my deepest, darkest secrets if you say yes. [Laughs] Well, if that’s on the table—

#just gonna toss in a cw #cw drugs #long post #ts4 story #sims story #sims 4 story #royal sims #simblr #ts4 legacy #1992.story.post #1992.a1 #1992.e04

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violeteclipseboaty · 28 days

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So I watched kingdom of the planet of the apes yesterday and I gotta say I really enjoyed it! It has its flaws but if there's a sequel I will definitely watch lmao I have to talk about Mae's character so SPOILERS:

There is still a lot of mystery surrounding her. I BOTH liked and disliked her character. I get that a lot of people hate what she did with the flood but at the same time there was A LOT going on in the scene, not excusing what she did, she needs some accountability for that. Prior to that scene she had told Noa that he would have to move fast; as in find his clan, so they can get out but proximus was already waiting for them (how tho? Unless I missed something) She was helping Noa, Soona, and Anaya, until proximus and his apes ruined it. Proximus somehow was already waiting out the doors, with Noa's mom, his apes, and got inside. He even threatened both Soona and Mae, putting poor Noa in the middle of it. Mae took action and shot the ape who held Soona hostage.

About the flood, she didn't want to do it because of the circumstances they're in at the moment, she even told noa she's sorry but she CAN'T let proximus have it. I agree with her on that part: those weapons do not need to be in the hands of someone like him. And hey now not even humans will be able to access them either lol Proximus is right about humans tho they're selfish and can't be trusted, Mae proved that. But I understand where she comes from or at least i think i do. She witnesses a hostile environment where humans are hunted or are referred as pests. Her group was killed and they were people she cared about. Then she meets proximus, who is not only killing humans but enslaving his own kind. I'm guessing she grew up in the bunker she goes at the end and was taught "bad apes" and whatnot. Her mission must've been the first opportunity she had to go outside i think? Living in a bunker secluded from the outside world does not seem fun lmao The observatory scene that happens with Noa? It mustve been the first time for her to witness the night sky up close. She's tough I'll give her that, she's the only one left in her group and is determined to finish her mission no matter what because she cares about humanity and it's understandable. I did not like that she tells Noa that where he lives was a place for humans not meant for apes. I mean sure it mustve been a place for humans at one point but she has yet to understand that the world won't go back to how it was and humanity can always rebuild somewhere else if they get the chance to leave the bunkers.

Another thing to point out; Mae cares about noa, raka, was friendly with Anaya and she even saved Soona. I really hope we get to see more of her backstory to understand her view on apes and human dominance. When she went to say goodbye to Noa, I don't think she thought of killing him but more of a precaution in case they end up fighting because of what she did and well why would she kill him in front of his clan? She wouldn't be able to finish her mission if the eagle clan jumps her for killing noa lmao Unless they were in a secluded area then it makes sense, but I could be wrong also. Raka and Noa were the first apes she encountered who were nice to her, that's why I think she'll have character development and be even more conflicted because "apes are bad" or so she thinks. What I think is that she'll change her mind, and maybe even guide humans and convince them that they can coexist with apes.

She's not evil, she had a soft spot for Raka and Noa but for now her mission comes first, she's conflicted at the end of the movie, but still determined at least for now. I can't wait to see more of her in the next movies!

#kingdom of the planet of the apes #mae #planet of the apes #pota reboot #pota #pota mae #kotpota #nova #spoilers #she did some sketchy stuff but i understand #mae redemption arc? lol #she's been through stuff also #not just noa #semi villian to hero arc?#im living for that

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uyuforu · 6 months

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Can you do his boda PC after juno?

Jungkook's Boda Persona Chart

-> Perfect use for this gif lol

What is the Boda Persona Chart?

-> The Boda Persona Chart is a chart focused on the wedding day of the native! All the placements are indicators on how your D-Day will go. This Persona Chart is based on the asteroid Boda, discovered in 1938 by Karl Wilhelm. It was named after Karl Boda. Boda means "wedding" in Spanish.

Planets & Asteroids Placements

Sun in Capricorn 2H, 12°

-> Sun in Boda PC represents the way the wedding will be, where it will take place, and what is the final result, the essence of the wedding. House is what shines most about it.

The sun is in Capricorn, meaning the wedding seem to be very well organized. Maybe money will be spent on it, it will be an important event for the family and close people. An event of the year type. The organization will be very professional, maybe hiring professionals to help with it. The style will be minimalist chic. Luxurious and rich style, Cold too. High society style. A very chic place. The wedding will be a success in everyone's eyes. It might be private for close people, not anyone will enter to the wedding ceremony. The 2H (Taurus) meaning that it's aesthetic and design will be what stands the most for the wedding. People will find the most luxurious things there: the best food, the best decorations, the best service, the best ceremony, etc. Good food! It will be a very minimalist wedding, but still very chic. There will be a sense of welcoming there, the aesthetic is cold but the feeling is very warm there. Romantic atmosphere. A lovely wedding. The 12° is under pisces, meaning it will be super cute and romantic. JK might sing a song at his wedding, it's a possibility. He will be very inspired by his wedding. It might also be a spiritual union. Or there is a part of spirituality. Romantic in cheesy type, can be also the type of wedding where everyone cry lol.

Boda in Aquarius 3H, 10°

-> Same as the Sun

The Aquarius placement there makes me feel like it will be a very unique wedding. There is a stellium in Aquarius which makes me feel like it's the most thing that will define the wedding: unique. There might be many stuff that make the wedding stands out. It might be a wedding that many people wait for, the most expected one. Some people will say it's weird. It might be unique for certain things, maybe for Koreans and his closed ones, and it might be because the bride is foreigner. So she might bring her own culture in it, which makes it unique. The 3H (gemini) can make the wedding happens in foreign lands! JK might get married in his FS's homeland, and since we have Aquarius stellium, I wouldn't be shocked. The Gemini placement means it's a wedding that will be talked about a lot. People from different cultures, different countries there. Gossips and rumors about it. So the wedding might shine through the world, many countries will talk about it. It might be an amazing wedding to the siblings of the couple, and the army, the people on the internet. The 10° (Capricorn) will make the wedding still appear classy!

Moon in Pisces 4H, 5°

-> The emotions towards the wedding, house represents which area the emotions are most felt towards

Okay, did I already say people will cry? Yes. Another confirmation. A very emotional wedding, people might cry because it's very romantic. It might be very artistic too, many artists will be present. More musically speaking. A lot of ballads played at the wedding. A lot of emotional people and speeches. Groom and Bride will both cry for sure. The 4H (cancer), full of water here wow. JK and FS's families will be the most to cry. BTS are also considered JK's family as he grew up with them, so they might cry too. JK or/and FS's mothers will cry the most. Bride can cry more than JK. It can also make a lot of people cry about it too, like armys and even delulus (lol). The 5° (Leo) makes the wedding cry of happiness. Many people will cry for emotions but it's mostly because of how happy they are. Overall, a lot of people will be happy for them.

Mercury in Sagittarius 2H, 19°

-> Legal matters, are they signing a prenup for ex? Wedding linked to spirituality or religion? How is the communication during the wedding?

With Sagittarius mercury here, the wedding could be spiritual or religious if anyone is. Since pisces and Aquarius are there a lot, the spiritual side could be more important. The communication during the wedding is easy, mature and open-minded. Again, many people from different countries and cultures, many people from different backgrounds too. It's a mix there lol. So, many translators can be present. People like that it's full of different cultures. With the 2H (taurus), a prenup contract can be sign. A spiritual or religious wedding too. There is a very warm communication here. People can be a bit shy with each other at first and then warm up. Many people can meet a lot of people. They can learn a lot. With the 19° (libra), def a prenup or a similar contract will be signed. Might be more spiritual than religious. It's divine union. A very fair, nice communication. Everyone respect each other. It's very balanced and I don't see a lot of arguments there, maybe none.

Venus in Aquarius 3H, 2°

-> Gifts they receive, how much money will they spend on it. Best part of the wedding + the aesthetic of the wedding, how the bride and groom will dress.

The Aquarius placement makes the natives feel like money doesn't matter much here. That they spent a lot or not, it's not important at all. They don't do everything to prove anything, they do it to make people feel comfortable. Humans before money. I guess the best part of the wedding will be how unique it is. People will love that. JK or his wife will dress in a unique way, or something unique about them. Maybe it's considered "unique" because the wife is foreigner? IDK! Don't forget the persona chart is on JK's POV. To him, marrying a foreigner is considered unique, that's may be why. Unique gifts lol! The less expected! The 3H (gemini) makes them spending money for the fun of it, in order for people having fun. This will be a very talkative, fun and open-minded wedding. People will love how fun it is. Laughing all the time. But it might be a wedding people gossip a lot about. The gifts will be interesting, fun, and stuff you can actually learn a lot with. Gifts related to traveling too. For the degree (taurus) it makes the couple appear so good looking, but because it's Aquarius it will be iconic look. Practical gifts or perfect for home. A very cozy and chill wedding. People will enjoy drinking, eating, talking to each other and dancing. A full pleasures wedding.

Mars in Aquarius 3H, 12°

-> Honeymoon and s3x, misunderstanding and disagreements about the wedding. House it’s placed in shows what the disagreements is about + what area of the wedding that most energy is dedicated to.

So I will be first taking about the misunderstandings and disagreements. I think the difference of culture will makes people confused. As it seems like JK will marry a foreigner, it's an international couple which makes the couple have more disagreements and misunderstandings about their habits. It can happen during the wedding too. It's part of the everyday life of an international couple. Being in the 3H, the communication and translation can be confusing sometimes. Aquarius also rules social medias, and being in the 3H, it can makes the wedding being revealed to the social medias in real time which will be a conflict. It can make also a lot of gossips about it. The 12° is under pisces, meaning the emotions can be confusing. Some people might not understand why other cry at certain moments. I think it's all part of the different backgrounds, different cultures and different countries. This is what create the most confusion.

Jupiter in Aquarius 3H, 22°

-> Best part of the wedding, Legal matters, are you signing a prenup for ex? Wedding linked to spirituality or religion? + in which area are you lucky with your wedding (the house is where it could manifest)

Like is said before, best part of the wedding will be the most unexpected things, or even the fact that it's a unique wedding. And again, because it's 3H, it will be fun and a wedding where people are laughing and talking a lot. People are just out there enjoying and being spontaneous. A bunch of humans having fun where all barriers are broken. Lucky for being a visionary wedding, this wedding will be iconic and maybe make a trend for other weddings. It can also break a barrier for marrying a foreigner, JK will maybe be one of the first Kpop idols still in the industry that does it. The luck could manifest in being a trend on social medias, people talk about it. Lucky because people talk about your wedding, your wedding are changing the world in a good way. Also with all these placements, it makes the wedding more spiritual but very down to earth style, not too spiritual that it might scared people. More rational spiritual type, I don't really see a vibe of a religious wedding. It might actually feel spiritual for them (the couple) but it's not a theme of the wedding. If it's a theme, it's very light. For the lucky part with the degree, lucky in the organization of the wedding, lucky with money, lucky with the public attention. The wedding will be famous for sure. The degree also makes the prenup very important for JK.

Saturn in Aries in 5H, 13°

-> Possible issues, worries and stress during the wedding + lessons learn during the wedding

Issues with fights, arguments can happen. It might be quick though, Aries makes things happen quick. The 13° is also an Aries degree, and the 5H is Leo house. In this case, it can be an argument or a fight that might happen during the wedding, a drama queen or a fight for stealing attention. For ex, the bride not being happy because someone showed up in white too (I wouldn't be happy either). Or a fight happening because the wedding is famous and people want to enter. Like fans or paparazzi. A lesson on not being impulsive, on waiting before speaking. Or talking before arguing.

Uranus in Aquarius 3H, 7°

->Where the wedding could be different: revolutionary.

Different because there is a lot of foreign things in the wedding: the bride, the place, etc... It's a visionary wedding, it will create a trend afterwards, many people will talk about it. It's a revolutionary love! A love that is unique and that will change many things.

Neptune in Capricorn 3H, 29°

-> How the wedding will be spiritually + illusions about it

The wedding will have a basic contract, even a prenup, but the spiritual side will not be the most obvious. But it's there. I feel like I repeat myself but man, Aquarius in 3H, how can I not lol. The illusions here are from JK's POV, because this is his Boda PC. If we consider this detail, that means that to him, the illusions during his wedding will maybe that people are cold towards each other, or that it's only intellectual people there. He will maybe scared that people are not willing to mix each other, or to make efforts. So he could have the illusions that it's actually this way. He could also have the illusion that people are not having as much fun and it seems.

Pluto in Sagittarius 1H, 6°

-> Where the wedding will be transformative

The wedding will be very transformative in a way that JK might live abroad after, or he will feel more of a stranger to who he was before. He will feel more mature, more open-minded and more of a foreigner. He will evolved in a very mature way. Because Pluto is in the 1H, it means the transformation really is about him, and not about his environment. He feel like a new person, his FS made him a better man. He feels like he may be a better person, he improved.

Groom in Aquarius 3H, 22°

-> How JK will be during the wedding, his POV

So, on his point of view, Jungkook will consider himself outstanding, unique, even visionary. He will feel like the first man to walk on the moon: no one ever did that before. He will feel like he is making the world evolved, like he is doing something truly amazing. He will just be himself and do whatever he wants, without caring about what people think. He will be very talkative, and open-minded. He will be very funny and witty. He will be a true romantic gentleman during the wedding, and will make sure his FS is treated like a queen. This placement also conjunct Jupiter exactly, which make me feel like JK will think of himself as very lucky.

Briede in Leo 9H, 6°

-> From JK's POV, how will be the Bride during the wedding

From Jungkook's point of view, his wife will be stunning, shining, the queen, the main character of the day. He will feel like he has to serve her, it's her day. She will be the sun in the room. He will think she is perfect and he will find her to be the most entertaining person in the room, very charismatic person. He will have eyes only for her (I'm melting as I'm writing). The 9H makes it obvious she is a foreigner, but she will outstanding to him. He will see her as philosophical and mature person, someone he can learn from. She will be very clean and well presented. He will see her glowing, there are no other words. She is healing him as he marries her. (and there im dying this is so fuc*ing cute)

Juno in Libra 11H, 5°

-> The feelings between the couple during the wedding from JK's POV

Love birds. Romeo and Juliet. Two soulmates marrying. They are just in their love bubble. Super romantic to each other, it will leave people in aww. It will be obvious they are in love. The 11H can make them appear as friends too, like friends who are in love. It's very cute because it means they are in love but they also talk and laugh, have fun like friends do. It's not only a romantic connection, it's a soul connection. They will have a lot of fun with each other, dance, laugh, have fun. It's their day and they are living it.

ASC (1H) in Scorpio, 17°

-> Jungkook's attitude during the wedding, his feelings, his actions and opinions + people’s first impression on the wedding

Jungkook might act shy, a bit reserved. He will be emotional, will feel so much passion for his wife, so much love. He might cry but might feel uncomfortable to do so, or will be shy about it. He might absolutely love to be physically close to his wife, always trying to touch her. He might look so good, mysterious, or just intimidating. Might wear black. He might also look so good people will envy his wife that day. Jealousy could happen? The degree makes that he looks lie a true king. He will maybe act extra sometimes, very romantic, cheesy, very fun and entertaining. He will enjoy being the star of the day with his Future spouse. For people's first impression on the wedding, it will look very intimate for such a wedding. Maybe people would expect more people to come, and it looks more intimate. They could find the couple very entertaining and like the main characters. The will find them so so so good looking. They will be glowing. People will be curious about the wedding, they will want to know a lot about it.

DSC (7H) in Taurus, 17°

-> Future Spouse feelings, thoughts, attitude and actions during the wedding. The guests, Legal matters, are you signing a prenup for ex? Wedding linked to spirituality or religion?

His future spouse will be very beautiful, very classy, charismatic. It's a true lady here. She will be glowing, so soft and so gentle. She just look like a Disney princess, almost perfect. She will look very feminine that day. The influence of the Leo degree will make her look like a sunlight, you will not miss her. It seems like people will have more their eyes on her than JK. Same as JK, she will act extra sometimes, very romantic, cheesy, very fun and entertaining. She will enjoy being the star of the day with JK. The guests will look very well dressed, elegant, and all will behave well. This will look like full of good looking people lol. People will have fun, and it will be a true party. It will be a traditional wedding with a contract.

MC (10H) in Leo, 24°

-> Reputation of the wedding, what people will mostly remember of it. How others see and what they think of your wedding? What do they talk the most about it?

A very famous wedding, people will have their eyes on it. When I told you people will talk about it a lot, I mean it. Very iconic. Like a royal wedding. The biggest event of the year. People will remember how fun it was, how beautiful, and they might even say to them "omg your wedding was so fun!" or "omg your wedding was so beautiful". It the type of wedding to make people feel like it was the best they attend so far, it would be hard to compete with it. It can make the wedding also be known for being romantic, many people will dream to have such wedding. People will say how cute, how they wish they have a wedding like this. Many people will make their wedding similar to this one after.

Houses

2H - Sagittarius

-> Gifts they will receive, how much money are they going to spend on it

The sagittarius placement there makes me feel like it will be gift that comes from foreign lands, or maybe offering a trip somewhere? It can also be some stuff to learn, or some funny stuff too. It's just gifts you wouldn't think of first. It seems like it depends on the people, but the money spent will not matter at all. JK and his wife will literally not care much about it. And even for their wedding, they will just make it all so people have fun and enjoy the day. Because Mercury is there, I wouldn't be surprised if JK offered a song to his FS.

3H - Capricorn

-> The guests, how others see and what they think of their wedding? What do they talk the most about it?

The stellium in this house is crazy. Guests will be very presentable, and good looking. They will be very well mannered, and respectful. It can also mean having guests who have money. They will think it's a well organized wedding, a very good looking and classy wedding. They will think it's a respectful union. It's the kind of wedding that makes you drop your mouth. It will look like an expensive wedding. They will think that JK finally is a man. Talking about money, about power, talking about JK and his FS, the wedding, love, etc. Since Aquarius is there too, they could also talk how unique it is. It can mean people will mix each other in during the wedding.

4H - Aquarius

-> Jk's parents’ opinions and feelings on the wedding

They might feel like it's not common for them. The wedding will leave them like they know nothing, they are strangers where they are. They will feel like they need to be open-minded. It's not a situation that makes them comfortable because it's not what they are used to. Pisces is there too, making them emotional and attached to the couple. They could find the ceremony romantic. The moon there represents JK's mom, making her the most emotional. She could be crying a lot or just very invested in the wedding.

5H - Pisces

-> Wedding Party

Romantic, dreamy. The party could happen near water, so maybe near ocean, sea, or a swimming pool will be there? People will be emotional. People can cry. It will go well like clear water. People are nice to each other, and are very compassionate. There aren't judge people.

8H - Gemini

-> Honeymoon & sex

Honeymoon will be full of laugh, fun memories, discoveries, and spontaneity. They can talk a lot about many things, talking is what will happen the most.

9H - Cancer

-> Jungkook's parents in law’s opinions and feelings on the wedding, legal matters, are you signing a prenup for example? Wedding linked to spirituality or religion?

Okay, his parents in law will love the wedding, they will think it's super romantic, and it feels very familiar to them, so it makes me feel like the wedding will be in their home country, so bis FS's home country. They will be very happy and emotional to be there. Because Briede asteroid is there, it makes me feel like they like JK but they are more happy for their daughter than anything else. They are more focused on her than JK. Leo is very strong also in this house, so they will be much more comfortable than JK's parents. They will feel very invested in the wedding, even to a point to make it more entertaining. Very extroverted and very fun lol.

11H - Virgo

-> The guests

Clean, well mannered, well presented, well put together, all seem perfect. They know what to do. Guests are a bit cold to each other at first. Since Libra is also in the 11H, that makes them be a bit more open and talkative afterwards. They will be very charismatic and enjoy their time at the wedding.

Thank you for reading!

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d1xonss · 5 months

Text

Desert Rose

Chapter 27 ~ New Beginnings

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 3

✧ Word Count : 6.1k

In this chapter ~ Months had passed as the group had found no real sanctuary, wandering around aimlessly together and bouncing from place to place just trying to stay alive. Although, just when they were close to losing hope, they found something that was only proven to be some kind of miracle. Their safe haven.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ROSE POV *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Eight months. That's how long we've been trying to find a place to stay. Eight long months.

We had been close to all over the place since we began to travel east, picking apart houses we came across and staying there for only a night or two before we were on the move again. It wasn't easy and ever since Rick's big, ruthless speech; things haven't been the same. Everyone only grew closer with one another as we seemed to spend nearly every waking minute together in close quarters. But it always seemed different whenever Rick was also present in the room. It's as if they were all too uneasy to breathe a word around him, only speaking if it was absolutely necessary.

I continuously tried to talk to him a few times at first after the whole incident, attempting to speak with him like we used to, but he would either get irritable with me or just plain ignore me. There was never an in between. So after a while, I stopped trying. I didn't want to give up the idea that someday he would be okay, but watching him slowly slip away and ignore the people he once cared so much for, it was hard to keep that idea alive.

Winter was rough this year and if I was being completely honest with myself, sometimes I questioned if we would even make it through. You could easily tell just by looking at us just how much of our spirits had crumbled since our time on the farm. Which now seemed like a lifetime ago. But somehow, we always found a way to keep pushing on.

Though throughout the cold and harsh weather, Daryl somehow got very sick at one point and that lasted far much longer than I would've ever liked. But I stayed by his side at all times, getting him anything he needed as he slowly recovered. It nearly made me laugh at how needy he became when he finally admitted he wasn't feeling good, he never seemed to want me to leave. But lucky for him, I never wanted to.

And Lori alone had her many ups and downs through the long season. She was dealing with a pretty rough pregnancy and was constantly feeling tired and sick even now when she's about to pop. I had gotten a little closer with her than I would've guessed in the past, reassuring her that I would be there if she ever needed something, and she was always grateful for that. I also helped her and Rick out by keeping an extra eye on Carl every once in a while, though I knew he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

He had changed a lot more than the rest of us, more than I ever could've imagined. He had gotten colder. He still liked to joke around with me every once and a while, but he was mostly quiet and was in a constant mood.

It was a lot to get comfortable with, the different things we had to adjust to. But again, that's how we managed to get by.

Currently, we were making our way towards a house that he hadn't checked out yet in a somewhat new area, following behind a few of the guys while the rest stayed outside until we gave the okay that it was safe. I pulled out my bow and loaded an arrow in place, aiming it as we approached closer to the door. Oh yeah that's another thing that happened.

Within the first month of being on the road, I had come across a store filled to the brim with weapons, spotting a bow and arrows sitting in the corner and I thanked my lucky stars. I loved my throwing knives, but I thought it was time for a change. Of course, I let Daryl show me how to shoot it and he was a pretty good teacher...well, when we were actually focused on practicing.

We slowly made our way into the house, opening the front door quietly as I started heading upstairs with Carl to check out the bedrooms. He nodded at me, letting me know that he was going to look in the first door on the right as he slowly stepped towards the entrance. I went towards the left, swinging the door open somewhat loudly with my weapon raised and my eyes scanning the space. I was met with only a lone walker in the corner of the room, and I didn't hesitate to pull back and shoot it quickly before it even turned around to face me.

I walked in further and took a glance around for anything that could be useful but was left with nothing as per usual. Sighing quietly to myself, I pulled my arrow out of its head and placed it in the quiver on my back with the others. I slowly made my way back downstairs and by the time I got there, everyone else was gathered in the living room sitting down and getting settled for however long we planned to stay.

I spotted Daryl sitting in the corner of the room, walking over to sit next to him on the floor as he plucked feathers from a dead owl, and my brows furrowed slightly as I eyed the thing. I wasn't going to ask. My eyes simply lingered on the others, watching them talk quietly to themselves even though the house was completely clear. My mind wandered involuntarily when I suddenly felt something fluffy touch my face.

I glanced over and Daryl was smirking at me with feathers flying around my face, tickling my nose as he threw more at me. I gave him a playful glare and pushed his arm lightly as he chuckled to himself, thinking he was absolutely hilarious. He then pulled me closer to him with one hand and kissed the top of my head, before turning back to defeathering the owl.

Carl's fast footsteps rushed back into the room seconds later with an excited look on his face, glancing down in his arms to see that he had found some canned food. I leaned in closer to look at the label, before quickly realizing that it was dog food. My heart sank at the thought of him being that hungry, he was willing to eat practically anything.

Rick noticed this as well from across the room and before Carl could even do anything, he took one of the cans and threw it against the wall without a word. We all stayed silent as we watched the scene in front of us, not muttering a single word like usual.

But T-Dog giving out a single whistle from where he sat by the window, made us all jump up fast, knowing now that there were walkers making their way towards us. We all quickly gathered our things and made our way out of the back door towards the vehicles parked near the trees. I rushed over and placed my stuff in the trunk of one of the cars along with my bow and arrows with Hershel slamming it right behind me.

I then quickly jogged towards Daryl's bike and hopped on behind him, taking his crossbow to slip on my back while I wrapped my arms around his waist. After he knew I was on safely he started it up and took off with the rest of them following close behind, the dead slowly trailing behind us.

After we drove for a few minutes, the house now long gone in the distance, we eventually pulled over to look at our map, planning on where to hit next. It remained quiet as all of us scanned the areas to see where the next best stop was, with Carl and Beth standing watch in front and behind us for anything in the trees around the area. I noticed pretty much right away that there was hardly anything new that we hadn't already been through, but I wasn't going to lose hope. We were all tired of running around, but that didn't mean we were going to give up anytime soon.

"We got no place left to go." Hershel was the first to state out loud.

"When this herd meets up with this one, we'll be cut off. We'll never make it south." Maggie said.

Daryl came up next to me, pointing to the map as he asked, "What would you say? That was about one hundred-fifty head?"

"That was last week," Glenn confirmed, "It could be twice that by now."

"This river could've delayed them. If we move fast, we might have a shot to tear right through here."Hershel pointed.

I nodded, "Yeah but if this group joins with that one, they could spill out this way." I muttered as I drew a line from the nearby herd, to right where we were moving towards.

"So, we're blocked." Maggie concluded.

"The only thing to do is double back at 27 and swing towards Greenville." Rick said.

T-Dog shook his head with a click of his tongue, "Yeah, we picked through that already. It's like we spent the winter going in circles."

My eyes almost rolled to the back of my head in frustration, "We did spend the whole winter going in circles." I said, feeling him place a hand on my shoulder in agreement.

"Yeah, I know, I know. At Newnan we'll push west. Haven't been through there yet. We can't keep going house to house, need to find somewhere to hole up for a couple weeks." Rick said, glancing back at Lori who was still sitting in one of the cars.

"Alright," T-Dog nodded, "Is it cool if we get to the creek before we head out? It won't take long, gotta fill up on water we can boil later."

"Knock yourself out." Rick replied.

Everyone dispersed after that to do their own thing while I continued to stare at the map for a few more seconds. We'd be stuck here for a little while as we filled up the waters and searched nearby for some food, I hoped the herd wouldn't catch up to us as we didn't have a choice but to stay here for a few hours at least. With where we were at, we had to think through every decision thoughtfully, otherwise shit could hit the fan.

Pushing myself off the hood of the car after a few seconds, I felt an arm gently wrap around my waist and I looked up to see Daryl smiling down at me sweetly, "Hi." I greeted.

"Hi." he muttered while quickly kissing my cheek, "M' gonna go scope the area quick, you wanna come with?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm going to keep an eye on Lori. But maybe take Rick with you? Maybe it'll help ease his mind."

We both seemed to turn at the same time to see the man anxiously pacing back and forth, unsure of where we had parked ourselves for a little while. "Alright," Daryl agreed quickly, "I'll see ya in a bit." he promised while squeezing my hip lightly.

I nodded and watched him walk off towards Rick, subtly glancing down at his ass for a few seconds before heading over to the car Lori was in. In my defense, it was hard to miss and I'm not a saint.

I walked right up to the passenger side door knocked on the window a few times to bring her attention towards me, glancing up as she rolled down the window so we could talk.

"How're you feeling?" I asked her.

She sighed, "I don't know, physically right now I feel fine. But I'm just-" she stopped for a minute, "What if we don't find a place?"

My eyes softened as soon as I heard the slight crack to her voice, "We will. And anyway, that's for us to worry about. You just worry about keeping you and that little peanut safe."

She smiled at the nickname, rubbing a hand over her stomach before her smile turned sour once again, "I can't help but worry Ro. I'm scared for this baby and what's going to happen if we don't find a safe place before..." she trailed off, not wanting to finish her thought.

"We will," I reassured her, "We'll find it soon, I can feel it."

Just as those final words left my mouth, we heard rustling coming from the bushes in front of us and I instantly took out my knife, only to see it was Daryl and Rick already returning. They carried nothing more in their hands, and I was beyond surprised to see Rick with a huge unreal smile on his face, looking the most hopeful he had in months.

"...What's up?" I asked cautiously.

Daryl smiled small before nodding back to where they had just came from, "Yer gonna want to see this."

Seeing their sudden happiness the two seemed to bring back with them, it caused the others to anxiously gather their things and move to follow them to whatever they seemed to find. I didn't know what to really expect, but I can genuinely say I never in a million years expected this.

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of large gates that led to an overrun prison, instantly seeing why the guys were so excited about this. It needed a lot of work, but this could be the perfect place for Lori to safely have her baby without drawing attention to ourselves. The perfect place where we could actually start building a life behind the safe and sturdy walls. I felt a smile creep onto my face at the possibilities as Rick was cutting the fence so we could easily sneak in. I didn't know what the plan was, but I would do whatever it took to guarantee a safe place for us to stay for a long, long time.

All of us made it through the hole in the gate and were now running down towards another, noting the number of walkers that filled the grassy field just on the other side. I knew someone would have to go in there blindly to kill as many as possible to make it to the other side, leading us one step closer to the main building. We needed to get the farthest gate closed that led to the cell blocks so more walkers wouldn't spill in, leaving us to take one small herd at a time instead of all at once. There were many of them scattered across the land, but in my mind we could easily take them all on. We just had to be careful.

"It's perfect," Rick breathed, "If we can shut that gate, prevent more from filling the yard, we can pick off these walkers and be in the field by tonight."

"So how do we shut the gate?" Hershel asked.

I was about to speak up, but Glenn quickly beat me to it, "I'll do it you guys cover me." he said.

But Maggie shook her head and protested quickly, "No, it's a suicide run."

"I'm the fastest." he argued.

"In your dreams." I stepped in with a scoff, "I'm definitely the fastest and you know it."

An annoyed look crossed his features as he turned towards me, "It's not a competition Ro."

"I never said it was," I replied, "I'm saying if anyone should go in there to close the gate it's me."

"Nah, ya ain't going alone." Daryl protested immediately.

"She's not," Rick stepped in, "I'll go with her."

I glanced up at him with narrowed eyes, "I don't need a babysitter."

"I know Ro, but we'll help cover you. It's the safest way, just let me help you." Rick nearly pleaded in a softer voice than before.

His just his tone by itself made me stop and look at him seriously. This was the first time in a very long time Rick had actually shown that he cared about me, or anything for that matter. Seeing him be so sure of something, the light slowly coming back into his eyes, I felt I couldn't argue further. So I nodded my head once as he quickly began telling the others what to do, while I looked back out to the many walkers, counting how many I would have to take down.

"Be safe." Daryl's voice whispered as he gently turned me around to face him.

I smirked, "Always am." I replied, repeating his own words back to him.

He gave me a small smile before turning around to go back to one of the watchtowers with Carol, having an advantage from higher up. I watched everyone else spread out, heading towards the gates to bang on the metal fence and distract them while Rick and I slowly made our way into the lions den. While others headed up into the watchtowers, taking out their guns to kill the ones in the distance.

"You ready?" Rick asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded my head and pulled my gun out to have at my side. We opened the main gate slowly and tried to quietly make our way up the gravel path without drawing too much attention, though the small rocks crunched heavily under our feet. I ran a little ways ahead of him and shot the walkers that were getting too close to me while he covered me, making sure none of them were sneaking up on us from behind.

I heard gunshots come from the towers where our people were slowly picking them off, but the noise began to draw more their attention towards us faster than I would've liked. I started to notice more of the walkers were making their way over to us, now not caring about the people behind the gates. The two of us then booked it towards the main gate that led to the prison, now not caring about being silent, but wanting to be fast.

I rushed up to it first, attempting to shut it while kicking a walker back in the chest that was trying to make its way out. Rick came up right behind me as I held it shut, taking clamps to hook it onto the fence, bonding them tightly to close it. We then shot at a few more walkers piling up behind us before making a break for it towards the watchtower to our right just before they could reach us as we slammed the door shut.

We rushed towards the top in a flash, hearing Daryl yell, "Light it up!" the second he noticed we were safe.

The group then didn't hesitate to shoot the rest of the walkers scattered across the field, Rick and I aiming our weapons to help out with the side that we had. And before we knew it, the last walker dropped dead to the ground, and we had the whole field cleared. I turned to Rick with a smile on my face and to my surprise, he was smiling too, amazed at what we had just accomplished. I held up my hand to him and he gladly took it in his own, while looking out at the progress we just made.

The two of us then made our way back down as the rest entered through the gates, amazing positive energy filling the entire now empty space.

"We haven't had this much space since the farm!" Carol yelled as she held her arms out running further into the field with a delirious laugh.

I watched slightly further back from everyone as they carried their things tightly to their backs, finding a good place to set up for the night. The gates being built up around us just gave us all this new sense of hope that I couldn't quite describe, a feeling that we would finally be safe after all this time of running constantly. Finally, being able to breathe.

Darkness now coated the sky as a few hours had passed since we got settled. The group sat around the big fire we had built, having something to eat while Rick and Daryl kept watch on either end of the large field. Small, hushed chatter filled the air around us, the most we had talked in a very long time, and genuine laughter that followed.

Glenn finished eating from beside me and tossed the can to the ground, "Mmm just like mom used to make." he muttered sarcastically.

I laughed quietly to myself before turning towards Lori as if it was a routine, and offered her the rest of the food still on my plate. She immediately declined, like she did every single time, but I didn't budge or move my hand away until she finally took the food away from me with a sigh. I couldn't help but worry that the woman wasn't eating enough along with everyone else, occasionally taking turns in giving her more food each night.

After finally finishing up, I stood to my feet and grabbed a spare plate, piling on the remaining food on it for Daryl who was standing tall on a bus that laid on its side on the far side of the grass. Walking over there was a workout within itself, but the man noticed rather quickly as he placed his weapon down beside him. He held out a hand for me once I was close enough, pulling me up with ease so I could stand with him alone for a while as he ate.

"What's for dinner tonight?" he asked as he glanced down at the food, now looking more like mush.

"Well," I sighed, "The options were either ravioli or ravioli...tough choice but I went with ravioli." I said as I handed him the plate.

"Ah." he muttered as he took it from me, "You eat yet?" he asked before even taking a bite.

I nodded my head, "Yeah."

He narrowed his eyes a little at me, taking a bite silently before muttering, "Yer a liar." I tilted my head in confusion, "I ain't blind, I saw ya give the rest of your food to Lori." he stated.

I rolled my eyes, "Well, she needs it more than I do right now."

He stared at me silently before finishing only half of his food before handing the rest over to me, "No." I immediately declined.

"Yes." he said with a crooked grin on his face.

"Daryl." I warned.

"Rosie." he mocked my tone, "Eat. Ya need it more than I do right now." he repeated back to me with knowing eyes.

I sighed, "Fine. We'll split it." I caved as I ate half of the half and handed it right back over to him.

"Nah." he said immediately.

"Look, it's called a compromise, I know you're not familiar. But everyone wins in this scenario." I stated while placing the plate in his hands.

He scoffed, "I ain't winnin, I wanted ya to eat all of it."

"I ate some of it, now you eat the rest. You're not getting exactly what you want, but kind of at the same time," I explained as if he were a child. Though he didn't respond to me, only giving me a blank stare, "If you want me to eat that you'll have to shove it down my throat." I finished.

He smirked a little, before finally eating what was left on the plate, "Kinky." he muttered.

"Oh my God." I huffed, slightly laughing as I looked down at my shoes, though I could feel his eyes on me. I eventually glanced up and leaned into him as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, kissing his lips softly and pulled back to watch his cheeks tint a deep red.

"So, how are you feeling, love?" I asked him.

He shrugged, "Hopeful I guess... considerin we found this place. How you doin?"

"I'm good, I'm just kind of worried." he raised an eyebrow at me, so I continued, "What if this place is too good to be true? I just don't want to get my hopes up." I said, looking back towards the small group.

He lifted his hand and placed it on my cheek to get me to look back at him when he spoke, "Ya don't gotta worry bout that. I think this place is safe and if it isn't, I'll protect ya. You know that." he finished, kissing my forehead.

I sighed and took his hand that was holding my face and kissed his palm, before holding it down at my side, "I know you will, I just... can't help but overthink, you know?"

He nodded in response and we both seemed to turn back to look at our group in front of us, huddled close together by the fire. My eyes then wandered up to Rick for a moment who was still pacing back and forth by the fence as if something would suddenly pop out of the woods, and I furrowed my eyebrows in concern. He hadn't stopped by to eat something or even give us an update on how things looked on the north side of the fence that he had been guarding.

He still wasn't okay by any means, but I was hoping since we found this place, it would lift his spirits a bit. Maybe give him some peace of mind for Lori, even if things between them weren't the best. He still loved her more than she even realized.

My shoulder then twitched involuntarily from the pain it was constantly in, causing me to roll it back and forth a little in an attempt to ease the soreness.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Oh, just my shoulder, I don't know it's been hurting recently. Probably from sleeping on hardwood floors for God only knows how long." I joked.

His brows furrowed, "Why didn't ya say somethin?" he asked.

I looked at him confused, "I don't know?"

He chuckled, "Turn around." he muttered with a nod of his head.

I did what he asked and then felt his hands go to my shoulders and rubbed them, not too hard but just the perfect amount of pressure and I sighed in content as my eyes fluttered closed.

"Am I hurtin ya?" he asked softly.

"God no." I said as I let my head lean to the side.

I heard a deep chuckle escape him as he continued to work his fingers into my sore muscles. His hands then slowly moved towards the sides of my neck, traveling his way all the way down my back before landing back up on my shoulders again. I felt chills run down my spine at the feeling of relief washing over me, but then he stopped after only a few minutes much to my dismay. I groaned at the loss of contact the second he took his hands away, hearing him chuckle again to himself.

"Better?" he asked.

"No," I muttered, shaking my head, "I think you need to keep doing that for like...a few hours at least." I said as I turned back around to face him again.

He smiled a bit with a tilt of his head, "Don't worry, we'll get some alone time and then I'll do whatever ya want." he winked.

I raised my eyebrows at him, "Really? Okay, but I am definitely not having sex up against a tree again." I joked.

He smiled and shrugged, "Hey, we can check it off the bucket list."

"You have a bucket list for our sex life?" I asked with furrowed brows.

"Nah but I should." he said, before I felt him reach down to pinch my ass. I gasped and hit him playfully in the chest as he just laughed at his own actions.

I rolled my eyes, though I couldn't help but smile a little at his more positive demeanor. "We should be getting back." I reminded.

"Yeah, yer probably right." he agreed as he turned to grab his crossbow, before cautiously jumping off of the bus.

My eyes followed him before glancing back down to the ground nervously, watching him turn around and see my hesitation, "Don't worry, I'll catch ya." he assured.

"It looks so much higher up from right here." I voiced, and he held out his arms in response.

I felt myself smile before carefully slipping off the bus, feeling him catching me around my waist to bring me back down on my feet slowly. His hands stayed firmly on my waist for a moment, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my cheek before turning around and picking his weapon up off the ground.

We then walked back to the others hand in hand, overhearing Beth say something when we got close enough.

"No one wants to hear." she muttered with a shy shake of her head.

"No one wants to hear what?" I asked her while Daryl and I sat down on the grass.

Glenn looked over at me, "Hershel wants her to sing, set the mood, but she thinks no one wants to listen."

I looked back over at Beth, "That's not true, hon we want to hear, sing us something."

She glanced up at me with a small smile on her face, "I'll sing...if you sing with me." she suggested.

I felt my cheeks get hot from embarrassment as everyone around me looked towards me with a certain glint in their eyes. I couldn't even bring myself to look over at the man next to me as I groaned internally. Why? I swallowed the lump that seemed to form in my throat, waving the girl off as I laughed nervously, the group expecting me to say something.

"I don't know." I muttered.

"I didn't know you could sing." Carol said with a smile on her face.

I shrugged, "I don't really...I haven't much the past few years."

"Oh, are you kidding? You sounded spectacular the last time I heard you." Hershel complimented.

I could feel the anxiety slowly creeping back up as Glenn prodded me again, "Come on, just one song. I've been wanting to hear you sing." he tried to convince.

I closed my eyes momentarily as I tried to keep my cool. None of them realized the severity I had behind this whole thing, they had no idea that singing just brought back horrible memories of the past. To them it was all in good fun, a talent that perhaps I shouldn't keep hidden just for myself, but the truth was it wasn't a talent. It was a coping mechanism. Something to distract me while my mother was on her fifth rampage of the day. Some trauma that was still built up and tucked away from when I was young.

"Ya don't have to if ya don't want to." Daryl said suddenly, whispering close to my ear so only I would hear, "Just say the word and I'll yell at em to stop." he joked, though I knew he was completely serious.

I huffed out a laugh as I shook my head, silently telling him that it was okay. I could tell how much the young girl didn't want to do this alone, and at some point I had to get it through my thick head that these people weren't here to hurt me. They weren't here to degrade me or mistreat me like my mother did, they were here to support me and applaud me for even the smallest accomplishments.

I sighed to myself with almost regret in my tone as I asked, "What song are we singing?"

Beth smiled wide, "You pick." she said in excitement.

I thought to myself for a moment before deciding on a Tom Petty song, Free Fallin. That specific song offered me some type of comfort that I couldn't exactly describe, but I knew it would help at least a little when it came to singing in front of everyone. It felt odd, having all those eyes on you as you tried desperately not to think about it, but I was only really doing it for Beth. With the day that we just had after all those hard months, I felt like I couldn't let her down.

Although it got better towards the end, Beth signaling for everyone to join in at the last part so we would all come in together. Our voices all mixed together softly and quietly, still somewhat aware of the things outside the fences, but laughing softly and enjoying it nonetheless. In the end it turned out to be a sweet moment, and one that we would all surely remember.

As it came to a close, soft applause came from everywhere, "Beautiful." Hershel complimented once we were done.

Everyone else muttered something in agreement, filling the silence with compliments about how great it was, especially hearing it on such a calm quiet night. One that we hadn't had in a long time.

Beth reached over to squeeze my hand as they continued to chat in the background, "I'm proud of you." she whispered with a smile.

I squeezed her hand, "Thanks, hon." I said genuinely, knowing that she had no clue how much those words truly meant to me.

She nodded and opened her mouth to say something else, but Rick's presence suddenly came back to join the rest of us, "Better all turn in, I'll take watch over there. Got a big day tomorrow." he announced.

He then continued when nobody spoke up, "I know we're all exhausted, this was a great win. But we have to push just a little bit more. Most of the walkers are dressed as guards and prisoners, looks like this place fell pretty early. It could mean the supplies may be intact, they would have an infirmary, a commissary."

"An armory?" Daryl questioned.

"That would be outside the prison itself but not too far away. Warden's office would have info on the location. Weapons, food, medicine. This place could be a gold mine."

Hershel then voiced his worry, "We're dangerously low on ammo. We'd run out before we could make a dent."

"That's why we go in there, hand to hand. After all we've been through, we can handle it. I know it. These assholes don't stand a chance." Rick said with a nod of his head, turning back to check the perimeter one last time.

I sighed quietly to myself before standing up to find my backpack, to try and get some sleep before tomorrow came quicker than I wanted. I laid down flat on my back in the soft grass, resting my arms behind my head as I looked up at the stars, hearing the others get situated as they too got ready to sleep. I felt someone come and lay down slightly next to me, looking over to see Carl resting on his stomach as he sent me a small smile.

"You sounded good." he said quietly.

I playfully rolled my eyes as I scoffed, "Yeah, thanks kid," I muttered before reaching up to tip his hat down so it would cover his eyes, "Try and get some sleep, okay?"

He nodded and laid down on his back, pulling his hat completely over his eyes to block out anything else as he tried to fall asleep. I followed his actions, seeing as I was barely able to keep my eyes open from the exhaustion, before I felt someone's arm wrap around me and pull me in closer. Smiling in content, I leaned in closer to rest my head on his chest, feeling him breathe in and out deeply.

"You amaze me every day, darlin." he suddenly spoke softly.

I peeled my eyes open and looked up at him, "What do you mean?" I asked in confusion.

He shook his head, "Had no idea ya could sing like that." he said, tracing circles on my back lightly.

My face flushed as his words left a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach, thinking back to how his gaze was burning into me the whole time I sang softly with Beth. I had noticed it almost instantly, but tried not to let my mind linger too much on it as I focused on the lyrics. Though the feeling rushed back to me in an instant, thinking how no one had ever looked at me like that before him. But I liked it, maybe even a little more than I let on.

But I didn't say anything in response to him as I buried my face in his chest from slight embarrassment, hearing him chuckle before placing his hand on the side of my face to get me to look at him.

"Nah, don't try and escape from it now." he joked, "How come ya never told me?" he asked, lightly rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

"To be fair, I only told Glenn and then his big mouth told everyone else," I said to which he nodded, "And I don't know...it's kind of hard to explain. More like something from my past that I just...want to ignore forever."

His face dropped slightly upon hearing that, somewhat knowing what I meant and didn't say anything else, but only brought me closer to him. I sighed in content as I scooted closer, hearing the steady sound of his heart beating, and feeling him place a kiss on top of my head.

I knew I never needed to explain myself to him, because somehow, he always knew. He always knew without me having to say a single word, and I loved that about him. He didn't pry, he didn't assume, he just held me close as if he wanted to take away the painful memories it brought me.

~ Thanks for reading!

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keikotwins · 5 months

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Mokumokuren

Birds of different feathers flock together

Noticed online by head-hunting publishers, Mokumokuren hasn’t waited very long before polarising the attention of Japanese readers. With strange The Summer Hikaru Died, horrific bromance dealing with body dispossession, the mangaka signs a series of sophisticated oddity, that sets itself apart from the predictability of current fantasy productions.

Interview by Fausto Fasulo. Original translation: Aurélien Estager. English translation: “Keikotwins”. Bibliography: Marius Chapuis. Thanks: Camille Hospital & Clarisse Langlet (Pika), Yuta Nabatame, Mayuko Yamamoto & Mana Kukimoto (Kadokawa), Chiho Muramatsu (Tohan)

(T/N: Interview given to ATOM in winter 2023; 2 volumes were out in French.)

In an interview given to the CREA website in November 2022, you confided inventing stories since very young. Did your first fictions resemble the ones you draw nowadays?

It’s true that there are quite a lot of common points between the stories I imagined when I was a child and the ones I tell nowadays in my mangas. Especially a specific motif, that has been haunting me since the time when I wasn’t really aware of the world surrounding me: the presence amongst us of “non-human” beings, that nonetheless have a perfectly normal, ordinary appearance…

And how was this “obsession” born?

Precisely identifying the origins is complicated, my memories are too blurry, I think… What I can tell you is that I’ve always been fascinated by “creatures”. For example, I remember being very impressed by Peter Jackson’s bestiary in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. By the way, still in a fantasy register, I am also a big fan of Harry Potter adaptations… (She thinks.) And I’ve always liked yōkai stories, you know. I think that what I like in all these mythologies is the idea of species classification: each has its own characteristics – physical, biological – its own way to apprehend its environment.

In Japan, yōkai are integral part of regional folklore. Did the place you grew up in have some specific beliefs?

I was born and grew up in Tokyo, and, as you must know, yōkai are mostly associated with rural areas. I was thus never really bathed in this type of regional fantasy folklore. There are all kinds of yōkai and we can perhaps see in some more contemporary urban legends the echo of certain past beliefs? (She thinks.) I am a bit frustrated, because I believe that I could remember a legend that would have impacted me, but nothing comes to mind immediately, sorry!

You have already said so in an interview and it’s quite obvious when reading your work: you are a big amateur of horrific fiction. What has been your first contact with the genre, all medium included?

It was television that introduced me to horror: special shows, television films, series, I was watching these programs with a mix of fear and enthusiasm, a confused sensation that particularly delighted me! (She thinks.) And amongst all the aired shows, I will remember two titles: Hontō ni atta kowai hanashi and Kaidan shin mimibukuro*.

* Inspired by the homonymous manga magazine published by Asahi Shimbun, Hontō ni atta kowai hanashi (lit. “Scary stories that really happened”) is a series produced by Fuji Television that has been airing more or less weekly since 2004. Derived from literary material (a series of compilations of hundreds of short stories by Hirokatsu Kihara and Ichirō Nakayama, published from 1990 to 2005) Kaidan shin mimibukuro is a series made of several short movies depicting ghost stories based on real testimony.

Did you read horror mangas when you were young?

Let’s say that I was more interested in live-action productions. Nowadays, I obviously appreciate some horror manga authors, without pretending to be any expert in the subject. For example, I like Junji Itō’s work, but I am far from knowing it for a long time… (She thinks.) I could also talk about Shigeru Mizuki, who I also appreciate a lot.

The mechanics of fear aren’t the same in occidental and oriental fictions. You like American horrific productions – like Ari Aster movies – as much as ones from Japanese origin – you notably quote Ichi Sawamura novels and Kōji Shiraishi feature films. Can we say that you are tying these two perspectives with The Summer Hikaru Died?

My relationship with horror is more imbued with oriental sensitivity. But what I find remarkable in occidental horrific productions is work on image. In The Shining like in Ari Aster movies, for example, there is real research made on frame composition and choice of colours. I also try to follow this aesthetic reflection in my work as a mangaka.

In Ari Aster’s work, beyond the very precise staging, there is this permanent desire of ambiguity. Do you try to dig this same equivocal trench?

Absolutely. I try to tell complex feelings as well in The Summer Hikaru Died, like fear dyed with nostalgia or attachment, repulsion mixed with fascination, with attraction…

How do you “sort out” the shots that inspire you in cinema?

I don’t draw while freeze-framing during specific scenes. I would always rather watch a movie as a “focussed” spectator. However, I pay a lot of attention to the way the director composes their frame. I sometimes take some notes, but I most often simply keep it in a corner of my mind.

Could you tell us when and how the story and characters of The Summer Hikaru Died appeared to you? Have they matured a long time within you?

I’ve started thinking about this story when I was preparing university entrance exams. I was aspiring to join an art uni, and I was drawing every day. I can’t really say I made my characters “mature”: back then, I wasn’t thinking that the drawings I was making would one day end up being published, way less being serialised! I innocently created characters close to me, without guessing that one day they’d become manga protagonists.

One of your foundational reads was Sui Ishida’s Tokyo Ghoul manga. Can you tell us how you discovered it and what effect it had on you?

I don’t really remember how I discovered this series, but what I know is that I became crazy about it at first read. What I liked – and what I still like – is this idea of telling a story that confronts humans to these “different” beings while following the point of view of a character that represents alterity. Beyond this strictly dramatic aspect, Sui Ishida’s storyboarding and character design have had a strong impact on my work. However, I want to add that Tokyo Ghoul isn’t the only title I took inspiration from, I obviously have other references…

Do you do a lot of researches to define the design of your characters? You seem to draw them easily, in a very natural gesture…

I haven’t spent a long time defining my protagonists. First, there are few in the manga, then, they evolve in a rather realistic universe. My goal was rather simple: they had to look believable in the reader’s eyes. I wanted people to be able to imagine crossing them in the street, you see?

It’s after seeing illustrations posted on social media that depicted the future characters of The Summer Hikaru Died that the publishing department of the Young Ace Up magazine noticed you. How have you reacted when approached?

I was very surprised, because I absolutely wasn’t trying to become a mangaka. I would have never projected in such a future, you see. And, very honestly, if they hadn’t suggested working on this series, I don’t think I would ever had pushed the doors of a publishing house… I am then very thankful towards the persons who have allowed me to enter.

And what would you have done if you hadn’t been solicited?

Back when I’ve been contacted, I was considering – still vaguely – working in the video games field. But I wasn’t really proactive, I wasn’t contacting anyone, wasn’t sending resumes…

Did you want to do chara-design?

Why not, yes. What I like in video games is the range of possibilities they offer. You can then create an entire universe and this is rather exhilarating.

So you’re a gamer…

I have dropped my controller since I’ve started drawing manga. But yes, when I had more time, I played rather regularly, especially Nintendo productions…

Even if you play rather little nowadays, do video games influence your work?

I can’t say whether it really is an influence, but the Undertale game has left a big mark on me. I felt its creator’s strong will to surprise players, to make them feel unprecedented sensations…

Horror manga only relies on art and storyboard to provoke fear, whereas cinema and video games can also rely on sound. Is it from this observation that you have decided to particularly work on your sound effects?

Absolutely. I have thought a lot about the way to introduce and stage sound in The Summer Hikaru Died. The sound effects that you can find in the manga are indeed the result of this approach.

In an interview given to the Realsound website, you mention the use of the シャワシャワ (“shawa shawa”) sound effect. Knowing that occidental readers are way less sensitive to these graphicoustic details, can you explain its meaning?

“Shawa shawa” expresses the song cicadas make in western Japan. It’s a very special noise because in the different regions live different species that make specific sounds. So when I choose this specific sound effect, I convey a geographic and temporal piece of information to the reader, who can then guess the location and season the action takes place in. (She thinks.) When using this sound – that we especially find in the beginning of the manga – my goal was to play with silence, particularly when the song stops. I thus had the idea of representing this sound effect with an easily readable font, so the reader would make no effort to decipher it, as if the sound was asserting itself naturally, you see? I hoped to suggest a saturation they couldn’t avoid and that, when it’d stop, would immerse them in absolute silence.

The Summer Hikaru Died transcribes very well this particular atmosphere of Japanese summers…

Yes, I really wanted to signify this languor in my manga. And the cicadas’ song we discussed earlier contributes to creating this atmosphere: it’s an overwhelming sound, sometimes irritating, you cannot escape from in summer – Japanese readers obviously know what I’m talking about. (She thinks.) I also gave special attention to shadows: summer light being very bright, shadows are very sharp, very deep.

Do digital tools allow you to get this result more efficiently than traditional?

I work on Clip Studio Paint, and it’s true that it sometimes allow me to save time. Consider the work on shadows: I never apply solid black because I like saturating space with hatches and, with digital tools, I can obtain the desired result faster because I can duplicate each of my lines.

Your use of hatches is sometimes reminiscent of Shūzō Oshimi’s…

I don’t know his mangas very well, but it’s funny that you mention him because I recently read his latest series, Okaeri Alice. In any case, I really like his style and I perfectly understand how you can bring his universe and mine together.

The Summer Hikaru Died relies on the concept of body dispossession, that obviously takes back to the Body Snatcher novel by Jack Finney and its movie adaptations. Did you think about it?

I don’t know this book very well, but I know its theme has been approached often, especially in movies. As I was saying at the beginning of this interview, my idea was to adopt the point of view of a non-human and tell his indecision, his moral questions…

We also find this idea in Hitoshi Iwaaki’s Parasite…

I haven’t read the manga fully, but I’ve watched the anime adaptation that was released a few years ago (R/N: in 2014). I remember rather liking it, even if I think I offer something different with The Summer Hikaru Died. What interests me is sounding the inwardness of my non-human character out and expose all his dilemmas. What is his place amongst men? Is he legitimate in our world? Here is the type of questions that pushed me.

One of the impacting scenes of volume 1 of The Summer Hikaru Died is the one when Yoshiki penetrated Hikaru’s body by shoving his arm into his torso. It’s a sequence that is both very sensuaI – to not say sexuaI – and also very horrific. How did you get this idea?

I wanted to put the readers in an uncomfortable position. A stressful situation that could take several forms because, according to your sensitivity, you can feel very different emotions in front of this scene: sexuaI arousaI, fear or disgust. For me, it was supposed to put the reader in some kind of catatonia, you see?

Do you chat a lot with your tantō, especially around these slightly “complicated” scenes?

I have free rein, you know, I can draw everything I want. My editorial supervisor has never asked me to temper some sexuaIIy connotated parts. My discussions with him don’t revolve around this kind of things, but rather around the structure of the scenario itself: where to place this scene in the narration? Is it better to put this sequence before this other one? Nowadays, I am more at ease with all the scripting layout but, at the beginning, I needed support.

What allows you to get, from a dramatic point of view, the mix between bromance and horror?

I wanted to show the differences in sensitivities and values between a human being and an “other than human”, and tell the misunderstandings this can cause when both meet. When Yoshiki “scratches” under the appearance of the one who is supposed to be his best friend, it creates a first point of conflict in the story. I then hoped to make his relationship with Hikaru – or rather with the “entity” that pretends to embody him – a kind of undefinable bond, that wouldn’t be friendship, nor love.

Do you know today where this strange relationship between your two heroes will lead you?

I know more or less how all of this will evolve, yes. I have decided on my story’s general plot since the beginning. I can only tell you that The Summer Hikaru Died won’t be a long series.

How do you explain the almost instant public plebiscite of your series in Japan? You perhaps cannot have perspective on it but, in a saturated publishing landscape, you have managed to stand out…

Hm… Indeed, I don’t really have precise explanations to give you about this success. Maybe the covers’ design has been in favour of the manga? I asked the person in charge of graphics to make sure that the visuals would be noticeable in bookstores. That’s why the books have this monochrome aspect, with the title discreetly placed. I didn’t want obvious advertisement banners, but something simple, like this blue background for the first volume, on which the character stands out. I also wished to create contrast between the jacket’s and the inner cover’s drawings. I thus had requirements that didn’t quite go alongside what we can nowadays see on the shelves of Japanese bookstores.

#the summer hikaru died #hikaru ga shinda natsu #/long post #I'm not a native eng speaker so excuse mistakes!#the fr version has fancy words that I simplified for the eng translation #Feel free to ask any question!#The og article had manga illustrations with funny comments as legends + a short analysis of the manga's narration that I didn't include #The og title was 'Qui se dissemble s'assemble'#which is a play of words saying the opposite of idiom 'Qui se ressemble s'assemble' lit 'who look alike go together'#so I went for a silly equivalent lmao

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silent-sanctum · 3 months

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Got some Dadtaro thoughts with Smolyne:

Everyone knows how daycare works, right?

A simple place where children are dropped off to spend some time there to socialize with the other kids, have fun, play a lot- you know typical toddler stuff.

And if we continue off from the post I made about Jolyne being a big papa's girl, I could only imagine how anxiety-inducing it must have been for her when she was first dropped off at a daycare.

It happened one day when Jotaro suggested she started to learn how to be independent- develop skills appropriate to her age and socialize with the other 3-year-olds in the area.

Little Jolyne was hesitant but she knew her dad would be with her, so she didn't have any strong reactions upon learning that. She'd refuse to go there unless it was Jotaro who accompanied her.

He makes her feel safe after all.

She was always happy whenever she got to sit on her dad's arm as he carried her. Her chubby hands would clutch his coat as her wide eyes looked at the environment around her. It also made her happy that Jotaro would keep talking to her in the middle of their trip to reassure her that daycare would be fun.

Unbeknownst to her, when she got to the small, child-proof gate, Jolyne had this awful feeling when she saw a lady come greet the parent-child duo. At first, all went well- the 2 of them were invited inside the colorful room, Jolyne was given sliced apples to munch on while Jotaro sat beside her, and a bunch of toys were presented to her.

The moment she finished eating her snacks, she heard the lady say something about how Jotaro coming back later. She didn't like that. He was always with her since the start.

What does she mean he's gonna come back? Little Jolyne, pouting with anxiety, gently laid her head on her dad's knee, a silent plea for him to not leave her. How her tiny, worried voice saying "papa" must have been as she did so.

How loud her cries were when the daycare lady had to pry her away from Jotaro as the latter repeatedly promised that he'll come back for her.

He did an hour later and little Jolyne was happy.

It wasn't better the second time.

In the middle of their trip, Jolyne didn't want to go to daycare even as she brought her favorite dolphin plushie. She'd constantly whine and pout at her father, tugging at his coat, and telling him she wants to go home while pointing at the direction of her house.

Jotaro carried her again in his arms, repeating that same comforting gesture from her first day to calm his daughter's anxiety.

Perhaps feeling guilty, Jotaro stayed a little longer to be around his small child. The moment the lady reached for her, she knew it was a signal that her dad would leave again.

So she cried again, climbing onto her dad's lap to hug him with tiny arms just like a koala clinging onto a tree. Even with her stubbornness, he stayed for bit. He allowed her to sniffle and whine on his lap as she sought comfort playing with her plushie, occasionally giving her gentle back rubs to calm her down.

She felt at peace when her dad was with her.

Then she panicked and cried and flailed once the lady pried her off yet again, with Jotaro promising he'd come back. She knew he would but it didn't ease the hurt of being separated from her father. She made sure to cling onto him tight when he did come back.

Once a week, Jotaro would drop her off at daycare and gradually, little Jolyne grew to become accustomed to playing at the place with the other kids the more she visited.

Because she knew she could trust her father to always return at the end of the day to pick-her up and bring her home.

That's why it hurt so much when at the age of 13, Jotaro had seemingly left her without a word.

At first she didn't mind. Jolyne knew her father does come back for her eventually.

But then the days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years, but he did not return to her.

And it angered Jolyne.

Why didn't he come back? Why couldn't he?! What happened?!

She kept herself occupied, venting her frustrations in dangerous games and hobbies out in the streets, just as she had when she played games during daycare. She got her first boyfriend the first day she met him just like the time she instantly made her first friend during daycare.

All because she wished she'd eventually just stop thinking about the first man who decided to leave her.

But even then, the childish tiny part of her brain still held onto that stupid hope that Jotaro would always come back for her one day- to pick her up away from the pain of sadness and hurt, and into his safe arms to bring her home.

Just like little Jolyne after daycare.

#jojos bizarre adventure #jotaro kujo #jolyne cujoh #mijin thoughts #anyways there are fluffy father-daughter moments in my drafts don't worry yall #not everything is gonna be angsty friends O_O'

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livingdeadblondequeen · 8 months

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You, Me, & Him Part 3

Apologies for taking so long to post another part. Between lots of story ideas and lots of traveling, things have been crazy for me. However thanks to continued interest in this, I was able to write more. I hope it is worth the wait.

Previous parts can be found here

With the gate and fences between them and the undead, Y/N could focus away from the threat and on the people now in front of her and Daryl. One was a tall, large dark man wearing a beanie and the other a short-haired brunette woman a little taller and a few years younger than herself, both wearing welcoming smiles.

“I see your hunting trip was a success, you brought home not only dinner but a new friend.” The brunette said as she nodded to first the turkey that Daryl was holding then Y/N, holding out her hand. “I’m Maggie, this is Tyrese. You look like you’ve been out there awhile.”

Though cautious, Y/N reached out to take the offered hand when her son made his presence known to the new people. He shoved the wrap away from his face and squealed happily at what he saw. She watched as Maggie’s eyes doubled in size at the sight before her smile grew bigger as it focused on the baby. “Hello to you too, cutie.”

“This is Y/N, and her boy Christopher,” Daryl stated in introduction.

“Daryl was nice enough to offer a safe place for the two of us,” Y/N added as she finally took Maggie’s extended hand.

“I’m glad he did. It’s not safe out there alone, let alone with a baby.” Maggie replied, before looking up further up the fence line in the direction Y/N guessed others were. “We have quite a few kids here, but Judith is the only little one we have close to Christopher’s size. I think Beth just put her down for a nap.”

“Daryl mentioned that there was another baby,” Y/N stated as she relaxed a little, hearing that the baby had been put down for a nap sounded so mundane, but also showed how secure the group felt where they were.

“Found a clinic up north a bit that ain’t been hit yet, Y/N had the same idea to get supplies. Brought them here and to get a car, some others, and make a run to clear it out.” Daryl explained as he led them away from the gate and up towards a second gate deeper into the yard. “Got a few things for little Ass Kicker though.”

“Rick will be relieved to hear it, Daddy too I’m sure so to stock the infirmary.” Maggie declared. “I’m sure Glen will want to organize a run to go back tomorrow at first light, I’ll let him know you’re back if I see him first.”

Y/N listened to the three of them talk about where the clinic was located and went back as she looked at their surroundings. The group had just started clearing an area to make several gardens in the grass between the front gate and the next one.

When they reached the yard, Maggie and Tyrese left them to return to their post and Y/N saw more people. Children were playing at the far end, while adults were sitting around some tables set up for eating that surrounded an outdoor kitchen. They had quite the setup, and a lot safer than the previous one Y/N had been in.

Daryl handed over the turkey to an older woman with gray hair, who took it happily. He then leaned over, talking to her quietly, and Y/N watched as the woman’s eyes focused on her, then Christopher before her lips curled up in a welcoming smile. “Daryl said your name is Y/N?”

“Yes.”

“I’m Carol.” The woman replied, though she didn’t move to offer her hand like Maggie had. It didn’t make her feel any less welcomed, but it made Y/N curious as Carol continued. “Knowing Daryl, you all didn’t stop or anything on your trip here. Would you like something to eat?”

Fighting the impulse to reject the offer, Y/N nodded her head. “If it isn’t too much trouble, I can wait.”

“Nonsense, dinner is mostly done, just fix you up a plate before the others get to it. What about the baby?” Carol asked, her eyes dropping to where Christopher was wrapped up.

“No, thank you. I have some food for him in my bag.” Y/N answered. She had given him a small bottle on the trek to the prison but knew he would want something more soon. He had quite the appetite.

“Daryl, last time I saw him, Herschel was just inside. Why don’t you take Y/N and Christopher in and let him look them over? He’s our doctor. I’ll bring her in some food and then we can figure out a place for them to get some rest.”

Daryl mumbled what sounded like a yes before bumping his shoulder against hers. She turned her attention to him and motioned with his head to follow him. She continued to study the area as he led her into the building marked, ‘Cell Block C’. Once inside, Y/N could see that they entered a large room with a few tables scattered around, all of them empty save one where an older bearded gentleman sat, a black book in his hands. The man looked up at their entrance and nodded in greeting at them, a kind smile on his face. “Hello there.”

“Found them aways from here, they’ve been on their own for a bit,” Daryl explained. “Carol said to have you look them over.”

“Of course.” Hershel agreed, “If the young lady is okay with that of course.”

Y/N only hesitated for a minute before nodding her head in agreement. A doctor hadn’t looked Christopher over since the weeks following his birth and while Y/N thought he was healthy, having him checked over wasn’t a bad idea. Of course, that examination would happen with her holding him, she wasn’t about to leave her son with strangers. No matter if she had trusted Daryl enough to come with him.

While Hershel went to grab his bag, Y/N settled at the table he vacated, unwrapping Christopher. Daryl helped her shoulder off her pack, which she was grateful for as her son got a big case of the wiggles. “Thank you.”

“Hmm, I’ll just leave you two with the doc,” Daryl replied as he up the strap of his crossbow further up his shoulder and started backing away though he felt himself hesitating just a bit as he did. However, before he could slip away her head snapped in his direction.

“Can you stay?” Y/N asked, “Please?”

Her gaze locked on Daryl’s, and he could see that she did want him to stay. He got that she might not be comfortable being left with someone she didn’t know but wasn’t he also a stranger? Yet despite this, he knew he wasn’t about to refuse her request. He nodded his answer as he gripped the strap of his crossbow across his chest nervously. When the baby caught sight of Daryl, he moved to crawl across the table towards him but was quickly distracted by the sound of Hershel returning.

“Well young man, what is your name?” Hershel asked warmly as the little boy stared at him wide-eyed from his spot on her lap.

“Christopher,” Y/N replied. “And I’m Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Hershel replied. “How old is he?” “Around a year? He was born a few weeks before the outbreak began.”

“That was lucky for the two of you. Was it a natural birth?”

“Yes, there were no issues, and they discharged us with a clean bill of health,” Y/N answered. Hershel asked a few other questions as he continued to look over Christopher, who found the whole thing very entertaining.

“Well, he seems to be perfectly healthy. His weight seems to be good even, I assume you have been nursing him?”

“I was until a couple of weeks ago,” Y/N answered before lowering her eyes. “I don’t know why but it seemed like he wasn’t getting enough when I fed him. After a few days, I was completely dried up.”

“It happens even in the healthiest of times, but considering the lack of resources available now, it’s a wonder you were able to keep it up,” Hershel explained, as he looked her over and recognized the signs of malnourishment in her.

“I’ve been feeding him formula or powdered milk and some baby food when I can find it, that’s how we ended up where we met Daryl,” Y/N stated as she looked over at the archer.

“Well, unless you have any injuries I haven’t noticed, the two of you are healthy though I would like you to get some rest and regular meals. Both you can get here.” Hershel added.

“Carol’s makin’ her some food,” Daryl mentioned. “And then we’ll find them a bunk.”

The words were no sooner out of his mouth than the three of them heard the door open to the outside and the person he had just mentioned appeared with a heaping plate and a bottle of water in her hands.”Here we go.”

Carol quickly set the food down in front of Y/N, and Y/N swore her mouth started to water at the smell. It was a mixture of some kind of meat, vegetables, and rice. “Thank you.”

While spying the plate of food, Christopher reached for the shiny spoon, and Y/N let him play with it for a moment. She watched as Carol smiled before saying, “I can take him while you eat.”

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to do that, what with making and getting the food.” Y/N stated before placing Christopher down on the floor by her feet so that he was close while she began to devour the food. It tasted even better than it smelled.

Carol watched the younger woman practically inhale the food while keeping an eye on both her child and the others in the room. It wasn’t hard to see how protective she was of Christopher. Noticing the bow that rested next to them, Carol nodded towards it. “That weapon yours?”

Y/N nodded as she swallowed the bite in her mouth. “Yeah, it’s mine.”

“You must be pretty good,” Hershel commented.

Y/N nodded. “I learned when I was young at summer camp, and did well enough with it over the years that they brought me back when I was older to teach kids. Hadn’t touched it in years, but it didn’t take long to shake off the rust when the dead started walking around. Which is good since it’s quieter than a gun, and doesn’t disturb Christopher or draw the dead. Finding arrows isn’t easy but the ones I have work. I learned how to shoot and take care of my bow but not how to make arrows, unfortunately.”

“I can show ya,” Daryl spoke up from his spot. When both women’s and Hershel’s eyes turned to him, he went on. “We have some arrows that we’ve found on runs, but I can show you how to make more. Use the feathers of that turkey we brought in even.”

Y/N smiled up at him at the offer. “Thank you. I would like that.”

‘Interesting.’ Carol thought as she couldn’t help but notice the look her best friend and the newcomer shared. Though she didn’t want to interrupt, she spoke up. “I’m sure Daryl would appreciate having another hunter out with them, but there is no rush.”

“You and Christopher need to get some rest and settle in. Get your strength up and get used to being around people again.” Hershel added.

“Thank you,” Y/N said again. “And I want to do what I can to help out around here. But I’d prefer not to go outside of the fences if I can, keep Christopher safe behind them.”

Carol didn’t mention that they had people there who could watch Christopher for her, she knew it wouldn’t be met with agreement. Y/N needed to settle in and trust them before she would consider that. “Now that you’ve got some food in you, how about we show you where you’ll be sleeping?”

Y/N nodded, relieved at the thought of getting some rest. They said goodbye to Hershel before Y/N followed Carol and Daryl out of the common area and into the connected cell block. Y/N took in her surroundings as she listened to Carol. “We have people in two cell blocks C and D. We brought in a large group from a fallen community several weeks back and they filled up D but we still have a room here in C.”

The cell block was clean and relatively quiet. Y/N heard quiet singing coming from a cell, it sounded like a lullaby but they were led up the stairs. Y/N passed a couple of doors before Carol stopped and motioned to an open one. “Here you go. It’s empty now but we have a few things that will make it more comfortable, blankets and stuff.”

Y/N walked inside and looked around. It was empty, just two bunks and a small table but it was clean. And safe. That was the most important part. “We can make it work.”

“I’ll grab you a few things for the bed,” Carol stated. “My cell is a few doors down.”

After Carol left to gather the bedding, Y/N saw Daryl hovering around the door, his fingers fiddling with the strap across his chest. When he noticed she was looking at him, he lowered his eyes. “I’ma goin’ go.”

As he turned to leave Y/N’s voice stopped him. “Daryl? Thank you. For bringing us here, I just…thank you.”

Daryl nodded in acknowledgment, “Ma cell’s the other side of Carol’s. If ya need anything.”

Y/N watched him disappear from the doorway before looking down at her son. “Well sweetheart, what do you think?”

Christopher looked at his mother and smiled a big toothy grin, causing her to laugh. “Glad you seem to like it. Let’s hope it works out.”

Please reblog or tag a friend to share this with.

Tagging list: @littlegodzilla, @bringinsexybackk69, @green-eyedladywrites, @minervadashwood, @multitargaryen @strnqer @be-the-spark-bitch @phoenixblack89 @azanoni-blog @zarahbronstein @xojdmasf @starfirette

#daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon #twd #daryl dixon imagine #daryl dixon x female reader #daryl x reader #daryl dixon fanfic #daryl dixon x you

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hamliet · 1 year

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I saw your post about Glass Onion, can you talk more about it? What do you think of the movie? Do you prefer it or Knives Out?

I love both movies and will not choose. They are both excellent, hilarious, and extremely well-written where almost every detail comes back to be relevant. Basically, peak writing.

Fun fact: the estate where Knives Out was filmed is actually 5 minutes from where I grew up. I went there all the time. Surreal. Also, I've often walked through the town area that was filmed too.

Glass Onion also does twins well; it's a twist, but it's very obvious Andi and Helen are different people with their own individual goals. So, I was pleased.

Glass Onion might be literally crafted around a metaphor for something appearing to have a lot of layers yet being very simple, but the movie itself has a lot of layers even if the metaphor is an apt description of the plot. Knives Out also has these layers of symbolism and foreshadowing. Essentially, each story can be interpreted as a social quasi-allegory in some ways (Knives Out for immigration and Glass Onion for oppressive structures and systems), as a thematic study on what ultimately matters to humans, as a commentary on money and power, and as a deconstruction (in the HxH or ASOIAF sense of deconstructing, which is to say taking a genre and breaking it apart to examine its tropes and see what works and what doesn't--out of love, not contempt--which generally means arriving at the beating heart at the core of the genre and ultimately affirming it) of cozy mysteries.

Why do humans like mysteries? Put aside puzzles and games and excitement thereof, and think about the core of murder mysteries. They have similar appeal to horror, but also appeal to people because they address several universal questions: how do we live knowing we are all going to die? what is the value of a life? doesn't everyone--which means we ourselves, too--matter? will there be justice?

The justice idea is why these movies are somewhat socio-political allegories, or at the very least address these issues. We're crying out for justice in this world in so many respects. It feels cathartic to see Marta get the house, and keep her kind heart. It feels satisfying to see Helen truly disrupt a vile idiot who doesn't deserve the prestige he gets just for having money.

As for the value of life: compassion is the primary motivation for Marta, and love for Helen. These are values that society in theory holds up as good, but doesn't actually practice even where they should be practiced--see, the Thrombey family, who can't stand each other, and the Disrupters, who have an extremely utilitarian idea of friendship. Society doesn't actually assign sociopolitical value to compassion or love, not even in societal structures like family or friends where you'd think it'd exist, because sociopolitical movements by their nature need power to accomplish anything. That's not inherently a bad thing either, but human nature tends to lose sight of compassion in favor of power.

So then, how do we live knowing there will be death, that justice won't always come in the real world, that not all lives are valued the same by power structures? Each movie offers a different answer for different situations, because there is nuance. Each movie does this, however, through the same metaphor: a game.

Marta wins because of playing the game her "way, not Harlan's way," to quote Benoit Blanc. Her way is the way she wins the game of Go with Harlan right before she's tricked into thinking she's hurt him. She's not focused on trying to beat Harlan. She's trying to make a beautiful pattern.

Helen wins not by playing Miles' game that no one person can solve on their own, but by refusing to play entirely and smashing it apart. Which is also how she wins against Miles in the end of the film, too: smashing the Glass Onion apart.

I genuinely think these are both absolutely brilliant films, and highly recommend the Youtube channel PillarofGarbage, who has created some truly amazing video essays on both movies.

#ask hamliet #hope this makes some sense #a bit rambley i know #glass onion #knives out #rian johnson

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laugtherhyena · 1 year

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I've seen a bunch of people draw the start of their clangen saves so i wanted to do the same! Here's the original Orangeclan cats from way back in December when i started playing this game

More info on them under the cut

Orangeclan lives in the mountain cliff and as far as backstory goes i always imagined that they used to live in caves/tunnels but a huge flood happened and their clan was decimated. Despite being pretty old when this happened Sleetfur was able to dig a way out of the cave/tunnel and save himself, his mate and Sparkblotch's family from drowning, his beavery was rewarded by starclan giving him nine lives and giving him the mission of rebuilding the clan.

Sleetstar would later scout the area after the flood passed to look for more survivors from his clan, which led to him finding and rescuing Asterswoop, Spikefreckle, Tigerbush, Forestpaw and Slightpaw. He then guided the cats to the mountain top because be believed that being all the way up there would keep the clan safe from any other natural disasters that happened down bellow.

Dont ask why they're called Orangeclan btw, i didn't out any thought on the name. I was having a lot of save problems and had 3 other clans before this one that i couldn't save and i thought it was gonna be the same for them so i didn't bother picking up a cool name and went with the first randomized option.

Now into the cats themsleves

I already talked a bit about Sleetstar but i love him so much :(, i don't get why people never pick older cats to be leaders, maybe it's different in the newer version of clangen but my guy would rarely lose lives let alone get sick or injured. He was a strong man! And a very good leader, he wals always trying to set a good example to his clanmates.

He is mates with Shadowpelt and they were very sweet, tho i don't have much to say about Shadowpelt because he died on my first timeskip and then i got sas because his last though was about growing old with Sleetstar 💔

Tigerbush was my first medicine cat and one of the only cats from this image that's still alive in current Orangeclan, i have no idea how, this man is absolute ancient and refuses to retire. Crusty old cat is only leaving the medicine den on his coffin at this point.

Spikefreckle was pretty cool? The cats liked her as a deputy and she was always looking out to the younger cats in clan, but unfortunately i also don't have much to say about her since she also died pretty early on when i send a patrol to investigate a badger den. Which sucked because she had such a cool design :(

While no cat at the start of a clangen save os related i always pictured Sparkblotch being Pigeonpelt and Fadedgaze's mother, she was very nice and spent most of her days as a sweet old lady looking over the clan's kits. Her sons are pretty cool too, Fadedgaze is very chill and Pigeonpelt is such a guy!! He's a little shy and adopted two abandoned kits that grew up to be called Doveheart and Hailhawk! Bird fam!

The there's Asterswoop who's the cat with the biggest swag around, they're full of themselves and think they're the best warrior ever. But he's not a jerk, they were always pretty helpful just a lil annoying. I absolutely love his fur pattern and it sucks ass that none of his kids got the same harsh white divide :(

Speaking of kids, they're family was kinda of a mess, they got together with an ex-loner and had two kits but quickly divorced and the ex went ton to marry Fadedgaze shortly after. Who she also had kits with and divorced to get together with another cat shortly after-

Lastly we have Forestpaw and Slightpaw who grew up to be Forestpoppy/star and Slightstreak, god there's so much to say about these two and their fucked up relationship. Being the only two young warriors in the clan there was pressure from their clanmates for them to get together and bring kits to the clan, which they did but their relationship was by no means good or healthy.

Slightstreak was a pool of negativity always complaining about everything and everyone, their son Woodkit was born around the time Forestpoppy was appointed as deputy and many times she put her job over being around for the kid, leaving Woodkit to be around his other mom most of the time, who was seemingly never satisfied or proud of anything he accomplished.

They actually divorced right after Woodshade became a warrior which was fucking hilarious to me

#Orangeclan my beloved #how can someone get so invested in lil pixel cats bro :(#i care about them so much #clangen #orangeclan #warrior cats #wc #warriors cats oc #wc oc #hyena scribbles

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caffiene-fueled-fuckery · 5 months

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I just read your post about attachment styles and love it, but I'm curious about when the stuff about Mulcahy is mentioned in the series. I'm a bit obsessed with him and I really want to know when this will come up. I'm only in season six, but I've already heard spoilers galore, however I hadn't heard about this yet

Hi!! So… This ended up being a lot lot longer than I meant it to be because I just ended up rambling about some specific things and how they relate to attachment theory but I promise there’s examples and episode names and such in here so please bare with me. Also, in case you don’t read this all the way through lmao, feel free to dm me or whatever bc I am also obsessed with him if you can’t tell by my blog and I’d love to talk about this more. There’s a lot more examples of this stuff or just moments that you might enjoy that I don’t mention here so if you want more stuff or just to like chat about it feel free :))

My ramble about Father Mulcahy and his attachment issues (lmao) is below the cut!

Omg okay so a lot of this is reading between the lines/subtext type stuff. But there is some stuff that’s talked about! There an episode later on… I think it’s in season 10, called “Heroes.” Basically it’s about a fighter (I’m assuming a boxer but I don’t know for sure), who comes to visit the 4077th but he ends up having a stroke. The guy was a real asshole but Mulcahy seemed to worship him and got testy whenever anyone said anything about it, likely because later in the episode he says he only ever had two heroes in his life, that guy, and Plato. There’s a scene with Mulcahy near the end in post-op, and he’s alone with the fighter and tells him about the hero thing. He was talking about how he liked Plato’s “Ideal Plane” because his own life wasn’t ideal. He said he was small with thick glasses and was an easy target for other kids and he never even tried to fight back. But when he was… 12, I think? Something like that, he said his father dragged him to his first fight and he watched the guy who had the stroke fight another guy. By the end the other guy was really hurt and the fighter was just wailing on him, and Mulcahy said that everyone around him was telling the fighter to end it, and his dad was one of the loudest. But the fighter took a step back and told the ref to stop the fight because the other man was already hurt badly enough. Apparently that’s the first time Mulcahy realized he could defend himself without giving up his principles. Maybe by itself that doesn’t say much for attachment, but it got me thinking… He clearly was getting picked on by other kids all the time, beat up and thrown around and whatnot. I don’t remember when he says but I believe at some point he says that both his parents drank. That’s the only time I remember his talking about his father, and it’s about him loudly yelling for the guy to get this shit beat out of him. Doesn’t give a great impression, does it?

Another time was during one of the interview episodes when the reporter asks him if he wants to say hello to his family back home. Everyone else says hi to specific people, but Mulcahy just gives a half-hearted hello. The only person he corresponds with from home as far as we know is his sister Kathy. He seems very fond of her, and I have my own headcanons about their relationship and childhood and whatnot, but we know at least that he loves Kathy. But why is she the only one he ever talks to or about? Likely he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents. And once he mentions having brothers, as he had to share a bed with them growing up, but he never talks about them either.

On that same note… Philadelphia isn’t a great area. And based on the comment about the bed and other things he’s said here and there, it seemed liked he grew up in poverty. That puts a lot of strain on someone, and especially familial relationships. There’s issues of food insecurity, lack of safety, living in likely a very small space given having to share a bed… and I’ll elaborate a bit more on this later but it seems like his parents were potentially abusive. Feeling unsafe growing up and especially like your caregivers can’t or are unwilling to protect you (or are the ones causing the harm) can affect your attachment relationships for the rest of your life.

Omg this is such a rant I’m so sorry. I have more.

I think it’s in season 2 or 3, there’s an episode where Henry and Mulcahy get trapped in the bombed out latrine. Maybe you remember it? They pull Mulcahy out and he’s dazed, potentially in shock, and doesn’t really know what’s going on. But he’s telling a story about himself and presumably Kathy, where she wanted to take apples from the yard or something and make apple pie because she learned how in the Girl Scouts. They made the pie and ate it before dinner or something and their mother came in and was like “what the hell is going on,” or something. He looks at Klinger (who is in a dress) and says it’s the first time he ever heard her swear. Presumably she was mad, which I mean makes sense if your kids made and ate a whole pie before dinner but he doesn’t go into much detail about it. This by itself wouldn’t have piqued my interest much, HOWEVER. This is a spoiler, but you said you don’t mind spoilers so… I’m just gunna go on with it. In the finale, Mulcahy loses his hearing. In AfterMASH (yes, I know a lot of people don’t consider it canon but it’s Mulcahy gold for me okay so hear me out), he turns to alcohol to cope with basically having nowhere to go and no job, and Kathy calls Potter to help him because he’s depressed, an alcoholic, etc etc. Potter got him in for a surgery to restore his hearing (I’m a bit salty about how this happened and all but it’s the next part that’s relavant). After the surgery, when he’s all loopy from anesthesia, there’s an inner monologue about his parents and some other things. He’s apologizing to his parents for something, I don’t remember what, and then wonders if someone (a she, but I can’t figure out who he’s talking about) hit him because of the drinking. But the past and present seem all mottled… I can’t really make sense of a lot of it. There’s something in there about someone being so angry when the bomb went off and he went deaf and he’s apologizing to his parents for going deaf (well actually he says he hopes they aren’t angry, he wasn’t supposed to be on the back of a street car but why are there bombs on streetcars anyway). It was a whole thing. But it just made me think like that’s twice now that the first thing he thought of when he was loopy af was his parents being angry… and that just doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe it’s the psych major in me but it doesn’t… it feels off.

Long story short… he’s got some sort of insecure attachment. There’s the main theory of attachment by Bowlby and Ainsworth, but there’s also so many bits that build off of this, such as splitting avoidant attachment into fearful and dismissing, all of which is based on interpersonal models and the scales of view of self and view of other, etc etc. I don’t know exactly which category he’d fit into because some of his hesitancy/not getting close to people is because of his job, right? But I definitely think it’s not all that.

You don’t often see him reach out for help. Securely attached people reach out for help when they need it and seek proximity to attachment figures when distressed/ill/etc, even in adulthood. Mulcahy doesn’t do that, except to Kathy. The odd time he’s told Potter he feels useless and there’s a whole plot line about that (Dear Sis is the episode, it’s my fav episode of the series, in season 10), and he doesn’t feel like he’s any good for anything if he’s not needed or helping others. That could come from needing to please people (like his parents) to avoid being punished or because he had to help raise his siblings bc his parents were absent/neglectful/abusive/etc. Again we don’t know much about his family, but the snippets you get here and there aren’t great. Anyway my point here was that Mulcahy typically only seeks advice/comfort from very select people (Kathy, Hawkeye) and always seeks to please. Always. He’s also always looking for some sort of validation, likely because he has a negative self-view and anxious attachment and needs that confirmation that he’s doing okay and is actually useful.

I… I have so much to say about him. And his attachment issues. I created a mash oc that initially was supposed to be his best friend and as I was going along with it I was like “oh my god he’s so insecure in his attachment” and just like…he’s always the one taking care of others but never lets anyone help him (ex. The hepatitis episode). And again some of that is his vocation… but what drew him to that vocation in the first place?

No matter what attachment style you have or who you are or what your job is, humans need attachment figures in their lives. Some people deny it, some people are scared to be vulnerable, but whether they realize it or not attachment figures and the attachment network are necessary to be healthy. That’s why the attachment system exists in the first place, to provide us with a feeling of safety and security.

I could literally ramble about this for forever. I have notes actually from class today that made me think about this even more so I could probably make this a bit more coherent if I looked at them… maybe I’ll do that another time. Idk.

#mash #m*a*s*h #father mulcahy #attachment issues #attachment theory #emm rambles

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paisholotus · 2 months

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𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗. 5

Narrative

Play: Tumblr Girls~ G-eazy

Izuku yawned and leaned back in his chair, slowly blinking his hooded eyes. He should have gone to bed earlier rather than working on tattoo designs. He had just finished his last customer for the day and wanted to go home. "Midoriya, you want to go to the skate park with us?" Denki asked, nudging Izuku.

Denki and Sero were the piercers; Kirishima worked the front desk; and Izuku, Bakugo, and Shoto were the tattoo artists. Shoto started his tattoo business right out of college.

Izuku rolled his eyes, bent forward, rested his elbows, and considered if he should go. Because what is there to do at home? But smoke the fucking day away. "Ight, I'll go. I ain't got shit else to do." He said, grabbing his cup.

They could hear the irritability in his voice, but to be honest, they agreed because they didn't have shit else to do either.

"Speaking of skating." Sero said, stepping into the waiting area and sitting down on the couch, "How do y'all know those girls? You remember those girls we were at the hotel with?" He asked, smiling at the three boys. Denki and Kirishima stared at the three and wanted to know the answer too.

Bakugo glared at Sero, but Shoto smiled softly, and Izuku remained expressionless. Personally, Izuku had mixed thoughts about seeing Nadia again. He was pissed that, after all these years, she had decided to return now.

But another part of him was scared because he's not the same Izuku he was when they were kids—definitely not the same person he was when he was in high school. He's been through a lot of shit. And he doesn't have time to open back up to a person who's just going to do him dirty anyway.

"We grew up together. We were best friends. More than that, if I'm being honest." Shoto told them, smiling and crossing his arms. Denki smiled widely as Bakugo huffed and frowned at his phone. Katsuki was not gon front; seeing Nisha for the first time again was a shock. But she looked really good. Katsuki had no confused feelings; he wanted her, and he was going to get her.

Shoto felt the same way. That night, Deja and Shoto talked all night, simply catching up. When he thinks about how stunning she is, heat rises in his cheeks. All of his old feelings returned, and he really needed her. He craved her.

"Damn, that's wild; all y'all childhood lady friends just turn up like that, and I can't even find a loyal girl?" Denki frowned. They wrinkled their faces up and sighed, "Here he goes again."

"Mf you would get a girlfriend if you'd stop dating hoes." Bakugo muttered, rolling his eyes as he looked back at his phone.

Denki smacked his teeth. "Fuck you, Kacchan." Denki glared at him. Bakugo grinned and laughed, flipping him off.

"Anyway, guess what I heard?" Kirishima said, standing up excitedly. "What you hear?" Denki asked, opening a bag of candies while sitting on the couch next to Sero.

"There's a competition for skaters to compete, and the prize money is $100,000." Everyone gazed at him, surprised at the news.

They carefully considered the advantages and disadvantages of competing before deciding to go ahead with it.

"We can invite the girls too. They also skate, so they'll definitely want to go." Sero replied, grinning.

The three remained silent as Sero and Denki laughed loudly.

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glorytoukraine2022 · 4 months

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Would you be willing to talk more about Carteo?

First off, I apologize for answering this so late. I know that it’s probably been a year or so since you sent this ask, but I never forgot about it. And now that I am attempting to clear my drafts out, I hope that this response is worth the wait.

Carla and Mateo are my favorite couple, for many reasons. They are so many things at once. There are so many aspects to them as individuals and their relationship that make it truly special and unique. I will explore these aspects below.

Carla and Mateo had a rough beginning, that’s for sure. But seeing them overcome those differences and any misconceptions or prejudices they had regarding each other is simply beautiful, and will only strengthen their relationship with one another.

They are both adorable dorks who can pour over magic and spellbooks all day, but they are also the ultimate power couple. Carla and Mateo are already formidable forces on their own. But together? They’re deadly.

Carla and Mateo also have a lot of things in common that they could both connect over. Both being Wizards, they can connect over magic and Wizardry. Knowing how passionate Mateo is about magic, having a partner his own age that can share and understand his passion would be good for him. Thinking about it, Carla is actually the only Wizard in the show around his age.

They were also both raised by single parents. For most of Carla’s life, it was only her and Victor. If you watch “Mov’n on Up” Mateo states that for most of his life, it was just him and Rafa. Carla and Mateo would be able to empathize with each other strongly and form a deep connection with each other over this and would be able to comfort and understand each other over trauma regarding their absent parent.

But most importantly of all, I can see them being kind, caring and supportive of one another. We already see sparks of this, when Carla immediately runs to Mateo’s aid when Ash’s blasting spell knocks him off of Luna as Team Avalor descends to confront Ash and her allies. And Carla’s blink of concern as she points her finger to earn Mateo of Chatana preparing to blast him-and her concerned look as Mateo is once again blasted across the area. Such golden moments between those two, even if they were brief. Oh, and yes, Carla pronounced Mateo’s name correctly, which is the show telling us that her care for him is genuine;)

Carla has a big heart. Bigger than most people in the fandom realize. We see what a loving and caring relationship Carla has with Victor. I have no doubt that if Carla truly grew close to somebody as a romantic partner, she would be utterly loyal and devoted to them. Mateo too has a sweet, kind and caring nature as well. So I believe that he would show that same love and care in return. Carla and Mateo would stand by each other to the end.

I also think that growing up in a life of crime, and interacting with so many dishonest and untrustworthy people throughout her life, spending time around somebody that is just…genuinely kind and caring like her father, somebody that is so…untainted by all the dishonesty and cruelty of life, would have an impact on Carla. A person like Mateo couldn’t be further from the life that Carla left behind, and I think that his purity of heart would draw her closer to him.

In conclusion, Carla and Mateo are a unique couple that had a rough start, yet who managed to over come initial prejudices regarding the other and connect with one another on a deeper level. They can hole themselves in Mateo’s workshop and Alacazar’s bibliotheca geeking over spell books and weaving spells together, yet will immediately turn into a badass power couple, ready to defend Avalor from any and all magical threats while supporting and having each other’s backs the entire way.

#elena of avalor #eoa #carla delgado #mateo de alva #carteo

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5ivebyfive · 7 months

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I now share a piece from the Trini essay I have been writing for four years:

Dean Israelite said the scene was “pivotal” for the entire movie. I take this quote directly from an article for The Hollywood Reporter: “For Trini, really she’s questioning a lot about who she is,” Israelite tells The Hollywood Reporter. “She hasn’t fully figured it out yet. I think what’s great about that scene and what that scene propels for the rest of the movie is, ‘That’s OK.’ The movie is saying, ‘That’s OK,’ and all of the kids have to own who they are and find their tribe.”

So the director of the movie said she’s questioning her queer identity. He sees it. He’s saying she’s meant to be unsure and questioning. They knew what they were doing. They’re showing rep for those teenagers that don’t know, but think they are different. This is awesome!

In addition, one of the Power Rangers 2017 writers, John Gatins, said on comicbook.com, "I wanted to feel like these teenagers were reflective of 2017. That was my continued argument – that come on, it's 2017. Do I think that in time to come we'll have a whole team of gay or questioning superheroes? Sure, why not. It's the world we live in and we need it to reflect it. And I think we handled it with as much grace as we could. And [actress] Becky G. did such an amazing job and it was important to her too."

As for Becky G, she said a lot about Trini and continued even after we knew there would be no sequel. Before that though she said to Pride Magazine, "The truth is with something like that, you don’t just wake up and know. It’s a process. And so, as time goes by, if we make Power Rangers 2, 3, 4...I’m excited to see how she grows." Trini was at the beginning. More was coming. They would have given us more. She also said to US magazine, “Knowing that my character mattered [was huge],” she explained. “I wanted her to be a true reflection of someone who is discovering more about herself. On top of that, being [given] this responsibility of, like, saving the world and being a superhero, but making sure she was [still herself]. Trini was, like, a real girl — a real girl in high school, figuring out who she is and where she’s going with her life.” In the same interview she also reiterated, ““I think what she was experiencing isn’t something that you just wake up and know. And even if you did, it’s not something that’s easy to talk about especially at her age given the area she grew up in and also the cultural circumstances that she grew up in,” she continued. “And so just making it just very, very honest and raw, like, for the individuals who read that [about] Trini, they knew. And for people who didn’t, it went right over their heads. And I think that that was what was really honest about her character.”

Becky knew how she was playing Trini and how important it was to represent questioning folks. She got it and she delivered. All of these quotes just go to show that they weren’t expecting to showcase to us someone with a label that was ready to come out. They wanted to show that she was unsure. That it was a possibility. And that she was scared to voice it. And they showed all of that.

Excerpt from "Trini Finds Her Tribe" by me.

(@solarsleepless what we've been talking about)

#power rangers 2017 #trini pr2017 #trini kwan #becky g #i should finish this so i can post it #rose writes an essay

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b-afterhours · 3 months

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Avenue of Sins: Neon

A Sequel to Avenue of Sins

SUMMARY: ‘90s. It’s the aftermath. Jaded, Bill and Alma navigate their new lives as they try to drag themselves out of the dark debacherous trenches they had once ensnared themselves in. It’s easy to forget their evils when a silver lining introduces itself into their lives but can they create a less hedonistic life that would be just as satisfying?

WARNINGS: adult content, mature readers only.

The completed first series can be read and found here.

Chapter Fifteen

April 10th, 1993

Dressed to the nines, they sat in a low-lit restaurant in a private booth in the middle of their 5-course dinner. They spoke about the amazing courses, perfectly arranged morsels topped with caviar or shavings from rare truffles. Still, then, silently, they agreed that the authentic street tacos they had eaten earlier for lunch were better than their first dishes.

Once the storm had cleared, they spent their day strolling around and found themselves at a farmers market and crafts sale. Alma had noticed how relaxed he was in public. He didn’t have his head on a swivel like he did in New York City. It was nice to see him leisurely walking about, spending time looking at craft items at various booths, and knowing he didn’t have a gun concealed on him.

Bill was talking about some scrap metal skull sculpture he had seen at the market that he regretted not purchasing as she looked out towards the other patrons in the restaurant. While some were dressed nicely, wearing designer clothes as they were, there were a lot of pastels and light colors in the room. She turned to look at Bill and thought they looked like they were celebrating someone's funeral rather than her birthday, which amused her.

“What’s the matter?” He said, clocking her curious expression. He stilled his fork as he turned to scan the area of the restaurant she had been looking out at. His lips puckered once he saw it too. “We’re yuppies,” he said, turning back to her with wide eyes.

Alma lightly laughed. “I mean.”

“Yeah. We’re everything punks hate now. Posers.” He nodded.

“Don’t say posers,” she said, disgusted by the word. “I don’t know. We just grew up,” she shrugged. “Now we're in a different lane, but we still stand out against these people.”

“They don’t know shit,” he said, taking a sip of his wine and making Alma laugh. “We deserve to be here just as much as everyone else.”

“Yes, I know.” She quickly agreed before he started to go on some rant about it.

They had left the restaurant satisfied, and she thanked him for her birthday dinner. Especially because he listened to her when she asked him not to tell the staff that it was her birthday and risk having them sing to her out of obligation in front of the whole restaurant.

Bill began driving to a dive bar. She suggested during dinner that they should go for a few drinks. He had to keep his knowing smile from spreading across his face when she said she wanted to go to The Rooster. He happily agreed because they were going there anyway. Now he didn’t have to actively coax it out of her with a feigned conversation about a nightcap. He got a little worried when, in the same breath, she also said that if he didn’t want to go, they could pick up Echo early. She looked at him with expectant eyes, wanting him to agree with the latter. Of course, he missed his daughter just as much, and she thought he would choose that.

“Yeah…” he pretended to be in thought. “But I want to spend more time with you.” He smiled when he saw hers tug at her lips and gazed down bashfully. The charm worked.

“You’ll see it in a second,” she said just before they turned down the street. Soon, a giant neon rooster could be seen shining on the facade of the building. “The giant cock,” she announced.

“I see,” he chuckled.

He parked in a gravel lot on the side of the building, and Alma tossed her black strappy platform heels in the backseat, which landed in Echo’s empty car seat. She replaced them with the Doc Martens that Bill urged her to bring in case her feet became tired. He had brought along his leather moto jacket, which he had owned for ages, to replace the blazer he had been wearing. As she fixed the laces on the boots, he was next to her, unbuttoning a few top buttons of his shirt and then going on to roll the sleeves up halfway. She took her ID out of her little clutch purse for him to hold on to before shoving the bag underneath the passenger seat.

Stepping out, they approached the front door, where Alma saw the tall, stocky bouncer she was familiar with manning the door, but just as she was going to wave at him, he walked inside without any acknowledgment towards her. Well, it had been a while since she had seen him, she thought to herself.

Bill looked down at her with a smile. “You look so pretty. Here, get in front of me. You know this place better than I do,” he said, stepping behind her and his hand out above her, pushing the door open with his long arm.

She was hardly inside the dim smoke-hazed bar when she was startled by a flash of a camera, the snap of glitter poppers, and the sound of kazoos and cheering that her back pressed against Bill as she recoiled.

“Happy Birthday!!!” Her friends shouted from the left side of the semicircle bar. It was decorated with a rainbow of balloons and crepe paper streamers.

“Shut the fuck up,” she said in shock, clutching onto herself as speckles of multicolored foil glitter floated down around her.

They started chanting her name, and even the ragtag patrons of the bar joined in. She looked up at Bill, who had a smug grin on his face, knowing she hated this. She was too sober. If she had had a few drinks, she would have joined in on chanting her own name. He started pushing her along by the small of her back, and her friends began to greet her. He noticed that Darby only gave her a fist bump and was pleased with that. He knew they were platonic and that he was engaged, but they worked closely. He wondered.

While Alma was thanking Ulyssa and Gregory for decorating. Ash waved at him, waiting for her turn for a hug.

“Alright okay. She’s here, can we get some shots now?” Darby hollered over the music coming from a jukebox once everyone greeted her.

“Right! Yeah,” Alma said, turning behind her, and then she screamed. “Queenie!?” She said hugging her, her face covered in her loose coil curls.

“I managed to get away to see you on your birthday, girl!” She said holding on to her and swaying with her in her arms. “I missed you!”

“Me too. I’m actually so surprised!”

Alma gave her a warm kiss on the cheek and then joined everyone that had gathered by the bar, while Queenie stayed a few paces behind with Bill. He had known of her arrival. She had asked if it was okay if she could come to Alma’s birthday party when she overheard him tell Bianca he was planning it. He said it would be fine—in fact, he liked the idea—but it came with some stipulations, of course. He booked her at the same hotel where he first stayed when he visited Seattle. It was even the same suite. He could always mark it as a business expense.

“Hey boss, you look nice!” She said, giving him a high five.

He winked at her. “You found this place alright?” He wondered because he had passed along phone numbers to keep himself from being caught.

“Yeah. Ulyssa helped me out with the address and the taxi knew where I needed to be. I got in late, though. There was a huge storm this morning and I was delayed, but I’m here. It’s nice! Feels fresh here. Well, not here but in Seattle.”

Bill chuckled. “What have they asked?” He nodded his head in the direction of the record shop collective.

“I told them everything,” she joked. “Nah, nothing. Only bar stuff. I worked with Alma blah blah. But what’s the matter if they know anyway?” She said fixing the tuck of her satin champagne-colored blouse.

“I just don’t want to blow up Alma’s scene, I guess.”

“Eh. They seem chill, though. Anyway,” she said, tapping his arm. “Let's go get a shot! I’ll order it for you since I don’t have to make it.”

Queenie gently pushed through Alma’s friends and leaned half her body on the bar, gaining the attention of the goth bartender and ordering a round of Sex and Violence shots for everyone.

“It’ll be on his tab,” she said, turning back to look at Bill with a mischievous grin.

"Yeah, sure,” he smirked.

Once everyone cheered with their shots, they pulled away a bit from the bar. Creating space for Bill to claim a seat right at the end, he pulled a cigarette from his pack of smokes to place between his lips. A fish bowl full of matchbooks sat in front of him, and he reached in to pull one out. The front had the mascot rooster printed in technicolor and the phrase “The Place With The Giant Cock” encircled it, and he chuckled to himself.

“Can I get you something?” The goth girl pointed a hand at him, a half-step away, to help another customer if he said no.

He felt fingers on the top of his head. It was Alma picking out a few pieces of foil glitter from his hair. She was now donning a plastic birthday tiara Ulyssa bestowed upon her. She spoke up for him and ordered his usual whiskey and a draft beer for herself. She leaned her back on the bar and narrowed her eyes at him. He took his time lighting his cigarette and shook the flame off the match, pretending he couldn’t feel her eyes on him.

“You’re not sneaky,” she said to him.

He took a deep drag before speaking. “Hm, I think I got you this time.” He was peering at her as he blew a trail of smoke above them.

“Thanks, love.”

“I had help,” he nodded. “But you’re welcome. Happy Birthday,” he said, leaning in to kiss her. Once their drinks were before them, they tapped them together and took a sip.

“Change for the jukebox?” Ash said, jiggling a few coins in her hands.

“I got some pennies,” a guy with a mullet sitting at the bar smugly piped up, answering her.

“Jesse,” she sneered, putting her hand up to him dismissively. “Shut up. You don’t have to announce that you’re broke. It’s embarrassing.”

"Oh, c’mon, Ashley!” He patronized.

She kept her hand up in his direction and turned to Alma, who had her hand out for Bill’s loose change that he dug from his pocket. She picked out the pennies and the lint while she laughed at Ash’s interaction. They were familiar with the barflies of The Rooster. When she started working at Sheisty Sound, they’d often meet back up at the bar, getting drunk and making friends with guys who’d buy them drinks for sport. Bill could sense there was some history there and found it amusing.

Gregory approached fist-bumping Bill, took the change Ash collected to add to his, and headed to the jukebox. Bill found him to be a bit quiet. A mysterious poet type with pretentious music taste and great hair.

“Wait? Gregory is picking the music?” Darby piped up. “He’s gonna bring the place down!”

“Well, go with him!” Ash gestured towards the jukebox.

He quickly chugged his beer and sat the empty glass on the bar before jogging over to the jukebox.

“Fuck,” Ash sighed. “Let me help them. Darby is going to sneak an oldie in there!” Her slinky floral patterned maxi dresses swooshed around her calves as she hastily joined them.

“This is mostly what it’s like in the shop sometimes,” Alma giggled as she took a sip of her beer. Bill was stamping out his cigarette in a red glass ashtray as she spoke. “One night we were all here, kind of like this, and we all stood at the jukebox for what felt like an hour, fighting over what should play.”

Bill saw her take another small sip, but before she could pull it away from her rouged lips, he placed his fingers on the other end of the glass to get her to drink more. She paused, but he was insistent. She turned away and proceeded to drink the rest down without his help.

“You don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow,” Bill reminded her. “When was the last time you’ve gotten drunk?” He said, signaling to a male bartender behind the bar and ordered her a mixed drink.

“Last night?”

“I’ve seen you drunk, Alma.”

“This past summer, no, wait, at the penthouse.”

“Hmm, that was tipsy. Well, I want you to have some fun tonight. And also, I hate to say this, but back off me,” he said, looking her up and down.

Alma’s top lip drew back with offense. “What the hell? What happened to ‘I want to spend more time with you’?” she mocked.

“Your friends are here. Queenie is here,” he said, turning his head behind himself and seeing her speaking to Ulyssa. She was the only other person in the mix she could speak freely to. “You’ve had me to yourself these few days, you’ll live.”

She gasped. “I see these fuckers all the time.”

“I don’t care. It’s lame, you know it.” He said, passing off the drink, the bartender set down to her.

“Whatever,” she said, kissing him. She shook her head to herself as she ventured off to the jukebox, effectively pushing Darby out of the way, but he still stood there, giving his suggestions.

The jukebox started playing upbeat hits, and it seemed to get everyone in the bar into more of a party mood. Alma's birthday balloons were starting to drift around the bar. Some were kicked or bumped around by dive bargoers. He was on his third whiskey when he watched Alma bent over a pool table on the other side of the bar, breaking the pool balls for Gregory and some grungy guy playing with him. He handed her a shot, which she happily took. He didn’t take it as her teasing him, but he liked seeing the power she possessed over men sometimes. Even him. He wasn’t afraid to admit that.

After that shot, Alma and her girlfriends began dancing together in front of the jukebox, and Darby came over to Bill's side of the bar to join him.

“It’s kind of getting late,” he said, pulling his Levi jean jacket closed as he situated himself on the barstool two seats away. “Well, for me anyway. I have to open,” he laughed. “I’m not complaining, by the way. It’s a short day on Sundays anyway.”

Bill nodded, not taking any offense.

“Can I bum a smoke off you? Smoked my last one,” he frowned apologetically.

Bill passed his pack to him. “I saw you and your fiancee's wedding invitation at Alma’s place the other day,” he said, making conversation.

What he wasn’t going to tell him was how he was laughing along with Alma about his name. Cartwright Darby the Fourth. It sounded fitting for a soap opera star. Afterward, he discovered that Darby actually came from old Seattle money. Shunned because he pursued a fine arts degree and then semi-disinherited for quitting his private tutoring career to work in a record store. His fiancee also came from that world, and her own father was pretty upset with him too, especially because he couldn’t dissuade his daughter’s love.

“You coming? It’s extended to you as well.” He gestured.

“I appreciate that.” He said not mentioning if he would because it was dated on the weekend before his own birthday.

“It's gonna be at this really manicured private garden that overlooks the bay. There’s going to be a huge tent for the guests at the reception, or so Jenny tells me. I offer my suggestions; she’s sweet, but she couldn’t give a shit,” he chortled before taking a light drag of his cigarette. “Her dad's paying, but I’m in charge of the honeymoon.”

“Where do you plan on going?”

“St. Barts. You’ve been?”

“Nope.” Bill shook his head, taking a sip of his drink.

“Oh. It’s nice. Uh,” he said, looking a bit ashamed for a moment. “I went about ten years ago. High school grad’ present. I know how it sounds.” He rolled his eyes at himself.

“I think it sounds nice,” Bill reassured him.

“Have you been anywhere like that?”

“Mm. Not. Not yet. For a while, it was hard to get away from my job. Until recently, so yeah, hopefully sometime soon.” He said, grabbing his pack of smokes back for one.

“The bar, right? Or business?”

"Well, both,” he shrugged.

“You must be super busy. New York City is a beast.”

Bill clicked his tongue and nodded. “Yeah,” he said shortly after lighting his cigarette. He stole a glance at Alma, who had paused to speak to a small clique of chicks who seemed to be complimenting her dress as she showed it off.

“How’s this place fair as a bar to you?”

Bill grinned, amused. “Eh, it’s a dive bar. You can’t really have high expectations. You get what you get,” he said, taking a drag. “The place I run is like a lounge in a way. A lot of gentlemen frequent. Stockbrokers, travel salesmen, lawyers, corporate fuckers, politicians.”

“No shit. Now that sounds nice.” He said, pointing at him with the two fingers that held his cig.

Bill smugly smiled. “Yeah, it can be most nights.”

A group of guys had walked in at the same time Queenie rounded the bar to sit next to Bill. She was glad he liked to brood in dark corners away from most people because she needed a breather. In the group, a gentleman recognized Darby and walked over to say hello. Bill turned to Queenie to ask what she had planned for tomorrow, and she was explaining how she was going to a spa to treat herself.

“And then I’m gonna check out the record shop.” She said, but Bill was only half listening.

“Who’s birthday?” Bill overheard the skater guy in baggy clothing ask Darby when he pointed toward Alma. She resumed dancing with her friends, but the group of girls she spoke to and other patrons had gathered to dance too. “Oh!” His brows raised. “The Latina babe, you work with.”

Queenie overheard as well, and her eyes darted towards her boss, who took a deep breath and rolled his eyes in annoyance. She knew how he was about her.

"C'mon, dude,” Darby said, annoyed with his friend as well. “Her name’s Alma. Her boyfriend’s right behind us,” he said, turning towards Bill apologetically. He just gave the guy a curt nod and proceeded to scowl at him, completely unimpressed.

“Oh shit,” he said, making contact with Bill’s dark gaze. “That’s my fault, dude. I don’t mean anything by it.” He said with his hands up defensively. He excused himself out of embarrassment and sheepishly made his way to the other side of the bar with his friends.

“Sorry about him. He’s a dumbass,” Darby said, walking over to the pool table to see if his turn was next.

“Oooh!” Queenie wiggled her fingers at Bill playfully.

“Stop,” he chuckled into his glass before taking a sip. “So. I thought Keiko was coming with you?”

Queenie set her drink down, leaned back in her bar chair, and let out a harsh exhale. “Something came up,” she said with air quotes. “She’s getting into her modeling thing, and I don’t know maybe I’m not right for her image. I think she’s gonna dump me.”

“Ouch.” He was right not to hire her. “Because of her image?”

“Mhm,” she nodded with puckered lips. “Whatever. I gotta stop dating straight girls.”

Alma approached, squeezing herself into the space between the stools he and Queenie sat on. She gathered her hair in one hand to get some air on her sweaty neck and took a break herself. Her eyes were low. On a tipsy buzz, she wanted to maintain and ordered another drink.

“You’re not drinking?” She noticed Bill’s nearly empty glass that sat next to a glass of water in front of him.

“I’m driving.” He had his cheek resting in his palm as he looked at her with an amused expression.

“True,” she said, grabbing her shot of tequila off the bar and shooting it back. “Oh shit!” She said when she saw some familiar faces come into the bar.

In came three big biker guys with beards of various lengths and their Harley Davidson leather. The one leading the others wore a weathered cowboy hat that had the sides of the brim folded in. He took it off when he saw Alma.

“Just dropping by. Happy Birthday, Miss Lucio.” She thanked him and quickly introduced Bill, and they shook hands.

“Big Rod. Those fools behind me are Archie and Zeph.” They gave Bill a friendly nod. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to buy the birthday girl a drink,” he said to Bill politely with his gravelly voice.

“She deserves it, I think.” He winked at her.

Queenie sat there wondering how Alma knew these biker guys until Ulyssa approached her to ask if she wanted to smoke on the back patio. Bill overheard that too. If he wasn’t going to get drunk, at the very least he could feel good and relaxed with that. It’ll wear off before the bar closes. Alma walked away from the bar with the biker guys, talking about some show dates.

“I’ll be back,” he said with a hand on her hip, leaning into Alma’s ear as he followed the girls to the opposite side of the bar, weaving between patrons on the sticky floor.

They were sitting at a wooden picnic table with benches, tucked in by the other patrons outside who weren’t doing much to conceal that they were smoking joints just as they were about to. He passed a group who were listening to a guy with an old, defaced acoustic guitar strumming a placating tune, and he hoped he just wouldn’t start singing.

“Hey!” Queenie waved. “I was going to ask if you could come, but I didn’t know if you wanted to leave Alma with those biker dudes.”

Ulyssa lightly laughed at Queenie’s worry. “They look big and mean but they’re cool.”

“The main guy was polite, but it’s like, how the fuck are you gonna say no to him?” She took a hit and sharply inhaled, pushing the smoke further into her lungs.

“Yeah… I’m not too worried about them,” he said, grabbing the joint Queenie was passing off. “I got my last drink like an hour ago, and I’m getting a little… bored.”

“Bored? On your girlfriend's birthday,” Queenie playfully gasped, feigning shock.

“I’d rather be in the jacuzzi in the suite we’re staying at,” he said, exhaling smoke with a smirk.

“I fucking bet. You wouldn’t be so bored then, huh?” Queenie giggled, shaking her head. “So, how does Alma know those guys?”

“They run a makeshift bar when we have shows at the shop. Alma set it all up with them. Whoever works the shows gets tipped out from a percentage of it.” Ulyssa explained while Bill now took a deeper hit, but he pointed his hand at her and nodded, cosigning her explanation.

“No shit?” She said tilting her head towards Ulyssa and then looked back at Bill. “Alma’s a badass!” She pointed at him.

He passed the joint to Ulyssa, who took it with a smile. “Yeah. Who’d you think she learned it from?”

“Oh please!” Queenie scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Ulyssa listened on when Bill told them how he and Alma were mistaken for being in a band at the hotel. “To be fair, they had like an eighty percent chance. Nearly everyone is in some sort of band here.” She laughed, passing the joint back to Queenie.

As they were feeling the effect of their joint settling in, Ulyssa got curious and asked if her name was actually Queenie. She knew nearly everyone who worked at the club went by pseudonyms.

“Nah. I just prefer Queenie,” she said, shrugging with a goofy smile on her face. “My name’s Safiyah.”

“What was Alma’s?” she carefully asked, glancing over at Bill, who was taking a hit. For some reason, she had been too nervous to ask because she had never mentioned what she went by. She figured it was probably something embarrassing.

“She hasn’t told you?” Bill said, surprised to which she just shook her head. “Technically, you do know it, though. She went by Echo.”

“Oh!” She nodded, taking the joint he was passing. “That’s sweet.”

“What would your stage name be?” Queenie asked playfully nudging her.

Ulyssa's eyes went wide for a moment. “Oh god.” Her bashfulness made them laugh. “I can’t think of something on the spot like that,” she burst with laughter. The weed was now getting to her; she didn’t often smoke this much on her own. Her laughter made Bill laugh even more, seeing her being something other than skittish around him for once.

“Could I take a picture of you guys?” She asked once they settled. “For Alma. C’mon guys.” She said when she noticed their indifferent reactions to her disposable camera.

“You should be in it too,” Queenie said taking the camera and passing it off to a bargoer to take the photo for them.

Afterward, they smoked the whole joint down together with help from Gregory and another young coworker who had arrived named Matt, who joined them on the patio near the end of their smoke session. Luckily, they finished right as the guitar guy started crooning terribly.

He and the girls heard some commotion inside as they reached the back door. Bill became concerned and deliberately blinked his dry eyes, readying himself. When they walked back in, they began laughing, and then Bill whistled loudly while Alma was sitting on the bartop with her head tilted back, and a bartender was pouring a shot directly into her mouth. The commotion he heard was the bar patrons cheering her on. She put a hand to her chest when she swallowed, feeling the intense burn of the alcohol.

With a wedge of lime between her teeth, she slid off the bartop with Ash’s help, and the girls then pulled her away back to the makeshift dance floor. After grabbing a light beer, Bill veered towards the pool table when Darby called him over to play. They spoke a bit between the game.

“For how much?” Bill asked him, taking a sip of his beer as Darby lined up his play. The sale of the record shop came up.

“Hm. I’m not too sure. What could it be like,” he said just before throwing out plausible numbers.

“That, seems too high...”

“Yeah… You gotta account; it’s a music venue too. But the place needs work, so who knows?”

“What kind?” he asked, taking his turn.

“Mainly the roof. It rains here all the time and the fucker leaks. Since Lewis retired, he’s just kind of neglected the place. If he’s not there to see it, it doesn’t exist.” His lip curled for a moment when Bill sank his ball into a pocket. He was now losing. "Oh, wait,” he said when his attention was pulled towards the front door.

Darby’s fiancee had arrived at the bar, and he passed his pool stick to the same skater friend who commented on Alma to take his turn. He went by Ratz, and Bill felt it fitting. Bill saw how he greeted his fiancee by picking her up and spinning her around by the waist. Paying no mind to those around them. She was a pretty girl with thick winged liner and a classic look about her, with curves to match that complemented the greaser style Darby dressed in. Darby introduced them quickly before he snatched his pool stick back from Ratz, disappointed that he was of no help with his game.

“Echo is a little sweetheart,” Jennifer said to Bill as he positioned his pool stick. “I see she takes up after you. It’s those dimples.”

Bill smiled, thanking her, but then his attention was stolen when he saw Alma stumbling back from the bathrooms after he sunk an orange-striped ball into a corner pocket.

“Um,” he pursed his lips. “One second. Or I guess Ratz can take my turn.” He took long strides toward her, grabbing a hold of her arm to help her straighten out. She looked up at him through her mascara lashes. “I think you should sit down, love.”

“No,” she shook her head. “I just need another drink.”

“Hmm. I don’t know,” he chuckled. “Do you want me to carry you out in front of everyone later?”

Alma groaned, “Fine. I’ll get some water.”

“I’ll get it. Just take a seat over by the pool table.”

As he came back, Alma was putting her hair half up, feeling stuffy with it all down, making her warm. As she chugged a good majority of the water down, Bill was in front of her, pushing wisps of dark hair from her face away. She set the glass down, and she leaned forward, resting her cheek on his torso. The room was spinning, and she just wanted him to help her be still. Of course, it was completely out of his control, but the closeness helped.

“If you finish the rest, I’ll kiss you,” he said, persuading her.

She straightened up to finish the water, and he leaned down, obliging her. Trying to pull away, she held onto the lapels of his leather jacket, keeping him in place and deepening their kiss until their tongues met each other. He found his hands raking through the hair on the back of her head. Forgetting their setting inside the crowded bar, they were making out, which felt like times they had done so in the past.

“Uh?” Ratz uncomfortably cleared his throat. “Excuse me?”

They were in the way of him being able to position the pool stick in a way that he would not hit them with it. Bill reluctantly straightened up and flashed him an annoyed glance. But he helped Alma get to her feet so they could get out of the way. A few paces away, he leaned against the exposed brick wall, lighting a cigarette. Putting a foot behind him on the wall, he grabbed Alma by the hip, caressing the sheer fabric of her dress for a moment so that she could comfortably lean on his knee. She wrapped an arm around his back and looked at him. So handsome. All two of him.

“Can I get a drag?” She said, pointing at the cigarette between his fingers. He placed the two long fingers holding it to her puckered lips, and she took an inhale. Even if she had quit, a drunk cigarette always felt like a treat to her. Bill smirked to himself, seeing how her eyes closed with a satisfied grin on her face as she slowly exhaled curls of smoke out her nose.

He tilted her chin up, feeling compelled to kiss her again. “You feeling better?”

“Hmm,” she scrunched her face. “Now that I’m with you again.”

He took a drag, nodding his head. He did feel better too, but he could see her dancing girlfriends taking glances at them, trying to find an opening to whisk Alma away.

“Don’t tell me to back off again. It’s rude,” she said, blinking her eyes trying to focus them. “You told me to hang out with my friends and it’s been you mostly hanging out with them.”

He chuckled as he blew out a trail of smoke through the side of his mouth. “I won’t do it again. But I think your friends want you to go dancing with them not me. You should go.”

She turned her head to look behind her, and she saw Ash waving her over as she danced between two strangers. She turned back, looking unsure.

“C’mon. Aren’t you having fun?”

“I am. I needed this,” she said, wrapping her other arm around him. “But I miss my baby.”

He soothingly rubbed her back. “Yeah… Go dance. There’s like an hour left.”

Alma took a deep breath and straightened up. He shook his head to himself as she watched her join them and returned to finish his pool game. Dancing with her girlfriends to house music, she hoped to sweat some of the alcohol off. It wasn’t helping. She could still feel her head spinning, and spinning around with her friends didn’t make it any better. Shortly, the lights went up, and the last call was announced.

“Let’s get one more shot!” Queenie said to her.

Alma just swallowed hard and nodded as she was dragged along by Queenie. She felt clammy while the bartender poured their shots in front of them. Bill approached to pay the tab and cringed, knowing that would be it for her.

…

Alma woke up the next day with a pounding headache and a sour mouth. She smelled of the liquor seeping from her pores and stale cigarettes. Her body was so sore that it hurt to stretch. She groaned and whined as she tried to straighten up. She was in only panties and one of Bill's black t-shirts. She couldn’t even remember getting back to the hotel. She didn’t even remember leaving the bar.

“You alive?” Bill said coming in from the living room area. He was freshly showered, wearing a light sweater and soft-fit lounge pants.

She put her hand up, shaking her head to herself. “Fuck off,” she whined.

He laughed. “Alright. I’ll leave you alone,” he said, walking back to the couch.

When she managed to peel herself out of the bed, she took a glance at herself in the bathroom mirror and cringed. Her hair was disheveled and knotted, sprinkled with confetti. The red lipstick she wore stained her lips and feathered out over the border of them. Her eyes were completely blacked out with smudged kohl liner. She went straight to the shower after she had taken the aspirin Bill had left on the nightstand next to her. She was in the steamy shower forever, enjoying how her achy muscles relaxed and her headache slightly dissipated. She remembered the fun she had at the bar. It felt like old times, however. this hangover did not.

Bill was sitting with his arms crossed and knees spread far apart as he slouched on the couch, watching an old spaghetti western, when he saw Alma naked from the waist up. Wearing a pair of white granny panties and her hair wrapped in a towel, passing by the bedroom threshold. She looked tired and just done with life in general, and he smirked. As she pulled on an oversized band tee, she tended to herself. She had bought it from a merch table at the shop while the music act played. She liked the design more than anything. She moisturized her face and hands, feeling dry. Her dehydrated body had her involuntarily chug down the glass of water Bill had left for her when she took her birth control. He could hear her gasp for breath after she finished it.

Bill thought that she would join him, but there was only silence to be heard from the room. He got up and found her looking paralyzed, lying on her back sideways in the bed.

“You hungry.”

“No.” She said with her eyes closed.

“We have to pick up Echo at noon.”

“Yeah.”

“Or I can just go by myself?” He said crawling into bed with her and laying his head on her chest. The weight of him was comforting.

“I’ll go.”

They lay together silently for a while. For a moment, with his ear close to her heart, he noticed how even it beat as well as her breathing. He thought she had fallen asleep until her arm went up behind him so she could pet his soft hair.

“I didn’t say bye to anyone last night. Even Queenie. I’m such a bitch.”

“You did. You thanked all your friends. And Queenie left with us. I took her back to her hotel.”

“Oh.”

“Mhmm. You were passed out during the ride, but when I woke you up, you walked on your own back up here too. I was impressed.” He said even if he did have to hold on to her for support. “But I knew that last shot you took blacked you out.”

“I should have scored coke at the bar. I don’t do it anymore, but this shit sucks.”

“Well, you managed okay without it. You had fun without it too. It would have made your hangover right now like ten times worse.”

“I’m too old for this shit.”

Bill chuckled. “That’s exactly why I know.” He said thinking back to New Year’s Eve.

“You know what would help?”

“What?”

“A drink,” she giggled. “Hair of the dog.”

Bill chuckled. “Maybe some food too.”

“Yeah… and an orgasm.”

“Can we do that one first?” He asked, planting scratchy kisses on her neck and making her laugh.

…

Alma was eating fast food fries on the car ride to Yolani’s place to pick up their daughter. She was wearing oval-framed sunglasses to conceal her tired eyes and block out the searing light. On their way there, he remembered how, during the car ride, she had briefly gained enough consciousness while he spoke to Queenie who sat in the back seat.

“What Alma?” He glanced at her as he drove. She was slumped against the passenger window, her eyes barely open, but she was looking at him.

“Why… the fuck do you have a condom in your wallet for?” While she said it rather slowly, it was still purposeful.

“Jesus,” he said under his breath. “It’s old. I forget it’s there.” She just continued looking at him. “I’ll take it out.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay…” she mumbled. He glanced at her again; she was having trouble keeping her eyes open. Too heavy to fight it, she passed out again.

“Sorry,” Bill chuckled, looking at Queenie through the rearview mirror.

“Close one,” she joked. “She seems to have enjoyed herself tonight. She’s not without the baby much, is she?”

“No,” he sighed. “I noticed she’s been getting a little eh,” he said with his hand out twisting it at the wrist. “So I arranged this night.”

“She told me a little bit about her schedule sounds nuts, especially caring for Echo through all of that.”

“Yeah, and she’s a bit too stubborn to, like, ask for a break…”

“Mhmm. It’s tough, though. Lots of moms feel guilty admitting that. I’m sure once she comes back to the city, it’ll be better.”

As Bill recalled his conversation with Queenie, it clicked. Guilt. That’s what was going on with her. Guilt that started when Echo had her accident yet had been festering inside her for concealing her existence. When he asked if she felt indebted to him, she never said she didn’t. That bothered him a bit. He didn’t want her to atone for the rest of her life. That wasn’t a way to live. But she once told him she’d be sorry for the rest of her life.

He was being selfish by asking her to move and bitching about her job. One she loved, one she was going to give up to be an accountant for. A subject she found incredibly dull. Leaving her friends behind to keep track of their finances for the rest of her life? He realized that she was going to do whatever he wanted of her. He felt his stomach turn slightly, but he pushed those thoughts down. Luckily, Alma was distracting him by feeding him fries while he drove.

Bill had followed Alma up the sidewalk as they reached Yolani’s place. He was just as happy as Alma was to see Echo. As they approached, they saw her outside in her little overalls, marking the porch up with sidewalk chalk.

"Look, Echo,” Yolani said, pointing at her parents approaching behind her. “Look who’s here.”

Echo, who was kneeling on a porch step, paused filling the concrete with purple chalk scribbles, and turned her head. When she saw her parents, she abandoned the chalk stick and scrambled off the step onto the walkway with a big, cheesy smile on her face. She took clumsy, hurried steps towards her mother with her arms out.

“Mama!” She squealed.

Alma smiled brightly, scooping her up in her arms and hugging her tightly. “Baby, I missed you!”

Bill's heart grew by their interaction. Even under the overcast skies, they shone when they both turned to look at him with matching smiles on their faces. Things were setting in motion in his head then, even if it hadn’t quite clicked yet.

#bill skarsgard #my bill writings #avenue of sins #aos neon #aos

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