#shake so much she detransitioned | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beatrixstonehill2 · 2 months

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"Sooooo, guess who went to college and forgot to pack her hrt? Oops. I know, I've been gone a while (everyone who guessed exactly what I did, kudos!) and finally I'm OK talking about it because it worked out suuuuper well tbh. As many of you know I started transitioning back in junior high, I was on blockers and started estrogen in high school. My mom prepared all my meds. I went to college and was so excited to join a sorority and live the college dream of being a sorority girl! Lots of parties, lots of drinking, lots of sex! All day every day.... between the occasional lesson. Maybe! But after a few months I noticed things were really off. I tried not to overthink it, but eventually realized the huge mistake I made.

Since my mom prepared my hormones I barely thought about it. She told me to take them in the morning and night. Without home, without her, the routine stopped existing. Soooo, yeah. There I was looking sexy, my huge boobs ready to be ravaged by all kinds of guys and girls.... And I loved it! For the first two months I chalked my heightened libido to the new experience of college and had sex constantly! But before long my body started to change. My voice started cracking. My cock grew like six inches, it was insane! And by month three my facial hair came in. My body was just soooo eager to become male.

My sorority sisters thankfully saw this happen loads of times. Every year there's some perfectly passing trans girl sporting HH-Cup tits or bigger who forgets her meds and winds up detransitioning. Like clockwork. I protested and said I just needed to go back on them, get my script refilled. I called my mom and she laughed, saying she threw it out because she figured I didn't want it anymore. That being a girl mustn't be that important to me after all. I panicked, asking the nurse on campus that day. She said what's done is done. I was in male puberty. I asked about blockers and she laughed too, telling me my body was giving me a very clear signal about who I was supposed to be. She said blockers would stunt my new puberty but it would always be in motion now. My voice, my facial hair, all of this was unavoidable at this point, it'd worsen even on blockers or estrogen. She recommended I fully detrans for a year, then see if I want to retransition after all the changes.....

By the end of that year all I wanted was my boobs removed. I used to love having big tits but now they only made me dysphoric. And they were growing hair so that didn't help. I hit the gym, got really buff, was obviously kicked out of the sorority for being male, then joined the frat. Finally! I totally accepted I was male. No more shyly discussing sex and going out in embarrassing dresses with my boobs hanging out. With other guys I could talk about my darkest, most perverse fantasies as we worked out and they'd just call it hot as fuck, not judge me as some silly perverted fakegirl. Instead of getting fucked and passed around like a cheap slut, now I was fucking pregnant girls with huge asses bloated up by partying and a diet of only beer and pizza. It was pure bliss getting to mount and fuck all these gorgeous girls I used to be so jealous of. Now they were beneath me and the rest of the frat. They weren't goals or anything to aspire to, they were drunken fuckmeat with a womb full of kids to slap around.

My favorite part is when I encounter a fakegirl and start fucking her estrogen-fattened ass. I'll pump her cock and tell her right in her ear how much I want to see her detrans, how much I want to pump her full of T and see her girly body become a man's like it's meant to be. I tell them this and their knees all buckle. They can be the prettiest, most passing trans girl on the planet, with huge breasts and a gorgeous face. If I'm pumping her ass telling her how much I want to forcibly detransition her she'll get hard as iron and moan so loud out of nowhere, her body shaking. She'll always tell me to keep going, to tell her how badly she needs to accept reality and be a boy. All fakegirls fantasize about detransing. In fact, what I've learned is the most beautiful trans girls that pass the best, started gender affirming care the youngest, and have the sexiest feminine bodies, secretly fantasize about detransing the most..... I miiiight have convinced about six girls to detrans just this year alone so far, with my cock pumping their ass, and my hand jerking their cock..... Leaving behind my hrt was the best mistake I ever made. So happy my family didn't bother calling me and just happily let me detrans obliviously on my own. ❤️"

#detrans kink #mtf detrans kink #mtftm kink

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autumnbrambleagain · 2 months

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edit: rant edited to reflect how Snoot Game treats gender identity b/c i hadn't really done more than look at a few convos about it

I'm GBH, Goodbye Volcano High got like, the worst fucking shake

Disclaimer, I haven't played it (there is a very special irony in this that i'll get into in a bit), but I've watched people on youtube play it, and I think it's. Fine? It's fine. But everything surrounding this game, everything that happened to and around it, it's fucking wild. I've never seen a game get such a poor serve-up on the tennis court before.

It gets put up on the big console premier along huge AAA budget games. That's rough. A small intimate-scale VN about the end of the world as a metaphor for growing up and leaving highschool and changing and also a non-metaphor for the world ending as itself a metaphor for the new generation entering into what feels like an absolutely hopeless, pointless future (spoilers: the future is pretty fucking dire (the present is already fucking bad))?

Those are some rough themes! That isn't doomchief and master slayer punching guys! And not to denigrate doomchief! These are some ROUGH themes and the trust that those themes will be handled WELL isn't something you want to give out so readily! Those are themes that are easy to fuck up! Fair! But still. Oof!

To have your relatively small scale game put up as a launch title alongside mass-consumption AAA games. Ouch.

I'll admit: the art style was pretty rough, it's really rough on first look. I made fun of it too.

Then it comes out the MC is enby, that it deals with queer themes, and 4chan-esque folk go nuts over it. Snoot Game comes out which, apparently, seemingly, actually not bad! A lot more ironic but with serious themes handled, apparently earnestly, and it's overall... good!? Even some critical accounts suggest it isn't, at least, bad? Whichever: it comes out faster than GVH does, so it now has a parody-competitor dealing with the same themes, but not just as a JOKE but actually putting effort into it too. Like. That's the thing. Snoot Game DEALS with strong themes of growing up, of becoming a person, it DEALS with the themes GVH is saying it will deal with... and it uses the characters to do it too.

And it does it, by some accounts, WELL.

Ouch!

Granted Snoot Game is from 4chan and apparently I'm now reading one of the themes is Fang accepting they're a woman and they were just being enby to try and be different, and while it seems like it DOES handle it very seriously, and like, the game seems to penalize you for being shitty about their gender, and like, detransitioning IS a thing! I don't want to give TOO much trust to a 4chan-derived game either. I'm literally enby, but I also wasn't always enby, but like. Having a game where the message of "you were only trans because you were pressured into being different", it's, ehhhhhhhh not great no!

TBH without going through Snoot Game I can't really speak about it but Snoot Game overall isn't the main point, the main point is:

Some people are already now primed with associations and expectations, you already have a doppleganger as your competitor. OUCH.

So like.

Pretty rough.

And while Snoot Game, from the compressed summaries of it I've seen, seems to actually have honest heart and love in it in its final form, a lot of people just seem to be along for the hate-ride against GVH at this point because "eww the alphabet rainbow furries."

And then the writer has to step down because they found out she's into child por--wait, it was just 3d animations? That someone else made? That she was watching and criticizing as part of an article on how dumb video game porn is?

Oh. See, there's a difference between "the author is an active pedophile" and "the author watched a Harry Potter porn animation to write an article on the concept of video game porn," but in our modern era there's really never a distinction. Drawing something bad is the same as doing it in real life. Looking at it at all is the same as doing it in real life. If you see a woman's ankle on the street, make sure to head immediately to confession or God will judge you for the rape you have committed in your heart.

We live in such a media-literacy dead-end zone that people are calling the original Lolita book child porn. We live in such a media-literacy dead-end timeline that people are saying the only media that should be permitted to exist is happy comfort fluff where nothing bad ever happens because if you make bad things happen in fiction it means you're an evil villain :3 i'm not an evil villain, though, i don't watch bad media!

So of course it's fine to ruin careers because that's not EVIL. I didn't look at the BAD media so I CAN'T be evil. So you know, we have this modern purity pandemic of people thinking they're heroes for getting people to kill themselves because they drew or wrote "the wrong kind of thing" and are therefore EVIL and we're in a post-DnD world the cultural well got poisoned by DnD's secular take on evangelical protestantism's absolute morality of saved-vs-nonsaved. You're Lawful Good, you know you're Lawful Good. Whatever you to do Chaotic Evil people? That's fine. You can do whatever you want to them. You're Good.

Anyway, then it gets delayed to remove all her influence from the game, because at this point, even admitting you know what sex is online seems to be enough to ruin anything you touch tbh. Humanity's doing great, btw.

Like I can find twitter posts of her apologizing for "hurting people" by having seen harry potter porn. Your species is insane, just btb.

GVH finally comes out quietly and everyone's so fucking. MAD at this game. Hardcore 4chan whateverfolk hate it because there's queers and highschoolers. Other people dislike it because Snoot Game already came out and now GVH feels like fanfiction of THAT to them. They already met these characters, enjoyed them written like they were in Snoot Game, so how they come off in GVH feels worse. And you know, sure! That's a rough fucking shake when a fanfiction comes out before your actual release and it's good! For others it's tainted because a ""sex perver"" had worked on it. For others the art style and that it premiered alongside big name AAA games as a launch title was enough to slot it firmly in the derision zone. For some, because the queer community cannot NOT devour its own tail, it's doing queerness wRONG (Fang's parents MISGENDER and DEADNAME them!!! you can't put that in a game that deals with gender as a theme!!!!)

And then you have people who don't care about ANY of that, who are upset that everyone dies in the end and "your choices didn't matter", despite your choices affecting your relationships with the other characters. Granted? Sure! More actual endings beyond the end-of-the-world concert would be great! But comparing it to Mass Effect 3 where NOTHING mattered because the Reapers destroy everything and you pick one option at the end and their implied consequences before like 4 different changes to the ending came out to retcon "oh yeah everyone in the galaxy is stranded, everyone probably dies anyway, you accomplished nothing everyone's still dead" ? ?

The world's ending. That's the point. It's what you do with the time left that seems to be the point? Yeah? No? I'm not saying it HIT that theme well, and I'm not saying it actually failed at it either. I honestly think it did FINE. The criticism i keep seeing is "everyone died so nothing mattered." Buddy. Buddy. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Please do not let that convince you that nothing you ever did mattered.

Among all that it came out buggy, apparently, and the music minigame isn't like. Super. Good. Doesn't matter too much if you do well or not. Not greatly designed? So you know. The game also has just general internal problems too mechanically, so people without a dog in the race just don't enjoy playing it? Like, the art style was all on the creators, like, it's... it's not GREAT I'll be real! It's really weird. It's humans in those latex dolphin masks the memes weren't off base even i was laughing at it and groaning at yet another piece of media whose theme was "leaving highschool is like the world ending"

but like.

GVH isn't like. I dont' think this is some great amazing the best game ever. The art style's grown on me but in the way where you learn to ignore how it looks. But like, I see people complaining it's too whiny--wait, the characters aren't depressed ENOUGH about the world ending--honestly, honestly,

I think I like it? I haven't played it but I've watched it and I think I like it. I'm not like, this is probably the last day in a while I'll ever even think about the game, it isn't going to stick with me for years and years, it didnt' make a big impact on me--but I liked it well enough???

At this point, my default assumption at this point is if someone strongly openly firmly dislikes this game it's not at all for any good reasons--or rather, that it's not on the value of the game in-and-of-itself. This poor game was saddled with all this WEIGHT on top of it. Can you even dig it clear of this external context and examine the game itself for what it is anymore?

I'm writing all these words and like. I haven't PLAYED it i've just watched other people play it. I'm not even BIG into the game it's like... it's okay!

But oh my god I cannot get over what a fucking. BAD serve-up the game had leading to its release and just beyond. Oof. Ouch. God. That's real rough, buddy. I have never seen something get this POOR a serve. What an absolute rough, ravage, unfair birth for a thing into the world!

I think if the game congealed out of the aether (and maybe with a more... better art direction?) it'd be fondly remembered in small quantities?

Instead it's just... the actual game itself is just BURIED under all this mess.

It's fucking fascinating to me, honestly. It's far more fascinating what happened to this game than the game itself at this point, and that, too, isn't very fair to the poor game. I, too, am here not to talk about the game, to care about the game, to have anything to say about the game. I am PART of this problem I'm talking about. Instead of addressing the game I'm talking about the context that was built around it.

I'm here because I remembered the drama, looked into all the drama, then went to watch the game and, after seeing ALL of that, EVERYthing I read through to get to the game itself, actually seeing the game was just... like... for this? All of that, for this?

Huh.

#long #autumn says things #autumn rambles

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breadboylovin · 6 months

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28 :3

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

omg this question is JUICY. strap in yall im telling you guys the tale of the insane girl i liked in freshman year of high school whose antics landed me in therapy for like the past 4 years

under the cut cus idk how long this will get. also this is from this ask meme

okay so we met online thru the bts fandom. she lived 2 hours away from me and we had a 2 year age difference (i was 15 she was 17)

the first ?!!?!? thing about her was that she was writing like INSANE bts porn fanfic (and i mean insane like. everything she published had at least one ao3 content warning on it) despite being underage. i learned about this in like april 2018 but i was too head over heels for her to care. in june 2018 we finally met irl and went to a science museum and she told me about some of the insane shit she was writing IN THE FOOD COURT while i was trying to eat a shitty subway sandwich. like wow

anyway summer passes and we have a bunch of relationship drama. im not getting into it too much (ive talked enough about it in therapy LOL) but we didnt date, it was an unrequited love thing where she kinda just exploited me for validation cus she was super depressed. anyway at some point we start talking less but she sends me her tumblr discourse blog. and then in september 2018 i found out she blocked me from it so i checked why and SHE HAD TURNED INTO A FULL-ON TERF while pretending she was still cool with our basically all-trans friend group. so naturally i show everyone else and we kick her out of all our gcs. at some point after that she also detransitions (she was a trans guy before which was why i liked her. cus im gay)

so i dont talk to her at all after that because why would i. technically i sent her an apology for something that id fucked up on but that wasnt like... a normal friend conversation yknow. and i assumed that she had figured out that she fucked my whole shit up and i wanted nothing to do with her. but APPARENTLY NOT because in august 2019 i woke up one day with several messages from her on twitter where she was like "omg this new hurricane made me think of you (we both live in florida and this was when hurricane dorian hit us) ^___^ how have you been?? im doing so good im in [MY SISTER'S COLLEGE] for biology and having a great time"

needless to say i was flabbergasted. im pretty sure i had literally woken up from a nightmare ABOUT HER that day and now i had to deal with shaking with anxiety so bad that i could barely talk to my mom over breakfast. i initially tried to be nice and be like "haha wow i havent heard from you in a long time... ummmm if you see me on your campus while im visiting my sister please dont talk to me". but then i went to therapy that night and left mad as hell so the next day i told her off and was basically like "i want nothing to do with you and if you talk to me again ill throw rocks at you". and that was the last time i talked to her

last i heard about her online she had been run off of insane bts porn twitter for being a terf. then she started writing insane porn about figure skaters and got run off of THAT twitter circle too. i hope she never knows peace again god bless

#kenniffle #ask #please enjoy this storytime. im glad enough time has passed that i find most of this funny #i used to be so so wary when i was visiting my sister bc i wasnt sure what id do if i saw this girl again. but now im normal :-)

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drdemonprince · 1 year

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Hi Dr, I remember reading your article about how you would read very hateful/harmfulblogs in your time over lockdown, is there anyway to shake those ideas just stumbled upon a fashy account and just felt so weak and like I really was those things even though I know it’s all wrong

(For the uninitiated, I read a lot of detrans TERF blogs during my medical detransition phase early into the pandemic -- I also did this prior to transitioning back in 2016-17 as well.)

I never believed anything that I read on those blogs. They pissed me the hell off, and reading them and arguing with their authors in my mind helped me eventually arrive at a place of greater confidence in myself.

Many of the most outspoken members of those hate movements that I used to read have now left the TERF world, thankfully, and some are deeply committed to taking accountability for all that they've done and sharing every page from the detrans TERF playbook that they helped write. (Ky Schevers is one of them -- I don't expect anybody else to forgive her. But I think the work she's doing now is valuable and worth reading up on. But it's also okay if you think i'm a rube for thinking that.).

Reading detrans TERF blogs was certainly a means of lingering in a dark place intentionally, for me -- but it was almost a means of externalizing my very worst fears of how others might see me or think of me onto another source that I could pick apart and argue with. It certainly helped that many of the detrans TERFs that I read had lives that were transparently a mess, ruined by their destructive, obsessive worldview.

So on balance, I can't really say reading these sites itself did me all that much harm. It was the ambient transphobia of greater society that hurt me, and forced me to hate and doubt myself, and reading outright bigots who were ruining their own lives with their ideologies actually helped create more of a will to resist them within me. The fact I was a debate team kid who was very well accustomed to knowing my enemy and internally shadow boxing with them at all times also helped. i LIKE arguing. i like picking ill conceived claims apart. hell, i even like being angry and disdainful!

But that's certainly not the case for everyone. Many people internalize the negative messages that they read, if not intellectually then emotionally. I was already hurting emotionally a ton when I found myself consuming these writings, but it wasn't their arguments that did that. it was things like being rejected by my family and being in a real emotional dead-end of a straight relationship that was causing me that despair.

I think for most people, if you're in a pretty raw or vulnerable spot, the best thing to do is not read sites like these, and to block the people who create them. My fixation with TERF blogs was a special interest, and some special interests are fraught and weird and that's okay. but it doesn't sound like engaging with this topic is beneficial or even neutral for you. so id find something else to fixate on that gets your mind going but doesn't hurt your heart. maybe get into some meaningless discourse in a fandom or be toxic to people on call of duty (a methadone that i've also tried, to some success) if you need that kind of intensity but don't wanna hurt yourself.

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the-au-ideas · 10 months

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Okay so I'm making an idea in my little brain

R sides! Characters and ideas below! Its in order for the weeks aswell. Tw for some blood and mentioned abuse, As well as a TON of lgbtq shit if you really get triggered by that

This is BF, Also known as Reggie. He's a complete and utter asshole. He got famous for being a piece of shit to everyone, And it's how he stayed famous. He had a genuine hate for everyone around him (except his family) and even despised his fans. The only people he treats with genuine love and care is his family. Or, They were, Until he met GF, Also known as Annabelle. She started off as a fangirl who followed him around, He despised her until he began to know her and they fell in love. Behind the camera he's shown as abusive physically and mentally, But when it's all off he holds her close and they both know how much they love eachother. Once a fan saw this and recorded it, Making it go viral and basically ruining his career as everyone thought his videos were now scripted. Eventually, Running out of ideas and options, He recorded a diss track rap video. It didn't matter if it was scripted, The music was good and it got him back on track. It was his viewers passion, So it was his.

Reggie Jackson

Male

-----

Girlfriend, Also known as Anne or Annebelle, Was a huge fan of Reggie. To her, He was just someone trying to be funny to help others smile. Annabelles real name was Juan, But after realizing she was a woman she began doing research on how to transition when she found multiple people talking about the permanent life threatening things that could happen. She watched as other trans women sobbed on camera describing the agony of just living an every day life. Knowing this knowledge, She decided to not transition. She thought of hormones until she realized those have permanent effects as well- Reading more she saw as people would detransition with permanent damage from it all, Because doctors don't even warn the people transitioning of permanent damage and make them think it's easily undone. Now in her past time she tries to spread awareness, Not wanting people to do something they don't know all the consequences of. Her song would be Anna moving in to Reggies house, He helping her move.

'The First Step'

Annabelle

Male to Female

-----

DD, Or in this mod we know as Father Fearest, Is Annabelles father. He refuses to accept her, Calling her his son and Juan. His week would start off with he and Reggie meeting, Annabelle wanting him to approve of her boyfriend. Of course, FF wasn't too pleased about his 'son' being 'gay', But he smiled through it so Reggie wouldn't catch on. Of course, He did though, Seeing how Father's Fearest treated his girlfriend he began to get mad. 3rd song Reggie snaps and the ground shakes as he sings, A new pissed sprite replacing his usual one. Afterwards, A cutscene would play of FF trying to grab Annabelles wrist, Just for Reggie to grab his hand and break it.

'Father's Blessing'

'Suspicions'

'Child Trauma'

Father Fearest

Male

-----

Pico is a non-binary cop who risks their life to keep the innocent people safe. They even arrested their own parents, Who happen to be mob bosses. Of course, You'd expect them to hate each other because of their differences, But you would be wrong. They separate work and relationships. The fact they could bride the judges for way less time helped them not to hold a grudge, As well. Their parents are very supportive, And always have been. It helps that their little brother wanted to take over the family buisness, So losing them wasn't a big loss. They've stopped at least 3 total school shootings, Saving multiple people in the process. They've almost met their death multiple times, By crooked cops and criminals alike. To survive you've got to get your hands a little dirty, So don't blame them for the cops that went missing after making crooked deals. They'd show up to arrest Reggie and Anna for assault on Father Fearest.

'Ticket'

'Probation'

'Sentence'

Pico Smith

Non-Binary

-----

Best friends since they were toddlers, Much more than neighbors. They were known for never leaving each others sides! They always wanted to spend the night at each others houses, They needed to be in the same classes and next to each other in class or they'd bawl their eyes out. They got older, They changed. No longer the type to sob for the other if separated, In fact, Skid would simply message Pump to make up for it. Pump would fight anyone to get to Skid, Even his own parents. They usually go by he/him if alone, Which is rare, But when they're together they won't let you address just one of them. Pumps parents had always been abusive and neglectful to him, So one day, On his 12th birthday, He stabbed them both 37 times in the chest. He told Skid and they ran away together. Now they have their own gang, Skid hacks to disable security cameras and alarm systems, While Pump does the actual murders for neglectful or abusive parents. Their organization grows with every kid saved. Seeing Reggie and Anna running from Pico, They bring them to their hideout to question them. As long as they answer their questions, Nobody will get hurt.. Hopefully.

'Interrogation'

'Unanswered'

'Trust'

Skid and Pump

12 & 14

They/Them

-----

'Link', As he calls himself, He's supposedly a cop whos been looking for Skid and Pump. Despite this, They both seem almost fearful for their lives around this man. It still likes to find them and almost terrorize them with the threats they have. Its probably smart to keep them separated, After all this guy won't tell you anything besides his name and age.. On closer inspection, That outfit doesn't look like the other cops.. And whats up with its arm?

'Policeman'

Link (Alias)

He/It

-----

Monster is a demon sent from hell, Its one and only goal is to take Pumps soul for the crimes he's committed. It's not after Skid, Just Pump. It still, Despite this, Won't hesitate to kill them both if it comes to it. He likes beetles, So he gave himself those types of horns. It's not all evil, It just has a job to do. He'd be striking at Reggie in his song, Attempting to hurt and kill him to get to Pump. Reggie would once again get aggressive here and shake the whole place, Which ends the song with a cutscene of a piece of ceiling falling and crushing Monster. He's not dead, Though.

'Just a job'

Monster

123

He/It

-----

MM, or Mother Meanest, Is known as Annabelles mother. While being a kindhearted nurse on the surface, She was abusive to her daughter underneath it all. She'd physically abuse and beat her, Not caring for how she cried. Annabelle would've taken Reggie there so his mom could treat him and fix him up. While resting Reggie realizes what's going on and fights her. In the first song he's suspicious, 2nd one is followed by a cutscene that shows MM hitting Anna followed by Reggie going into his signature angry mode. His stitches pop and he's a mess obviously. It ends with Reggie telling Anna to run. MM often uses the excuse for beating her as it's her 'culture'

'Kind Mother'

'Stitches'

'Culture'

Mother Meanest

Female

-----

On the week with MM and FF working together, They try to kill Reggie to gain back control of their 'son'. The first two songs, Reggie has voice cracks he has to not hit or else he'll lose half of his health. MM would also be throwing syringes that Reggie has to dodge. The 3rd song goes dark, Just Reggie singing to himself. It'd be a melodramatic song with sad giving up undertones. Slowly it'd get louder and more aggressive, Til he's once again shaking the stage in anger! The song ends with a cutscene of Pico telling them to freeze. Charges against Reggie are dropped as they're brought to trial for attempted murder.

'Double trouble'

'Count to 10'

'Last words'

-----

Senpai, Or Kyle, Is an 8 year old kid who loves everyone. He really is just your normal 8 year old, Except instead of terrorizing, He likes to help anyone and everyone he can! One day, On the lake, He noticed two people, Reggie and Anna, On a date in a swan boat. They began to sing, And wanting to play with them, He got in a row boat and began to swim towards them. He interrupts their song with an upbeat pirate tune, Trying to win Annas heart.. And he did! She thought he was adorable, And gave his cheeks a squeeze before his parents came to get him. Of course, While he didn't become a romantic interest, Anna would remember this adorable charmer when her and Reggie adopted their own children.. If Reggie ever came around on the idea.

'Love and war'

'My loot'

'One mans trash'

Kyle

Male (grows up to realize he's bi-gender(realizes it around 13))

-----

Youtube updated their terms of service, And Reggies videos break near all of them!!! Words like #^$*, &!%#* and even slurs such as #^@% and %#^@%#, Its far too much! Reggie is in big trouble, Though he doesn't seem to care. He takes this time to just troll youtube.. Which leads to the following

'Demonitization'

'Strike'

'Banned'

You Tube

Genderfluid

-----

After being banned from youtube, Where else was Reggie to go? Garbage platforms like twitch, Or god forbid, Bitchute? No, Course not.. Spotify rapping would be his new career! He met Spot and they became quick friends. After all, They were both chill and hung out. They smoke a blunt in this song as they hang out!

'High roller'

'#1'

'Want a break from the ads?'

Spot

Agender

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werevulvi · 5 years

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"It IS the transition that makes trans people men and women. And now you have to do it again. That sucks! I know you've already paid your dues with dysphoria, and having to do it from the other side has to be hell. You did in fact transition into a man, and now you have to transition into a woman. It's going to be hard work to live as a woman, even though you are a natal female. I know you're a woman, but there are people out there who are going to clock you as a trans woman, and some of those people are going to think of you as lesser for it.

I've met and interacted with a lot of people like you, Laura. Detransitioned, lesbian women. And several ID'd as lesbians while calling themselves men. They became distraught, because they were not interested in the straight women who were now interested in them, they were interested in gay women. Because they were gay women."

I don't know how to reply to that. So I did try to start a conversation about sexual attraction going to sex not gender in a transmed group few days ago and well... I did get replies eventually. I got this (chopped from a much longer reply) from a friend of mine, and although I know he means well, and althout I know it was I who brought up my detrans struggles in terms of my (and others) sexuality and I should suit my stupid self for digging into such a sensitive topic... but fuck this hit me so hard. Even so to the point I cried myself to sleep.

Cause I do struggle really hard to believe that I'm still somehow a woman despite my transition to male, so those words of his dug into an especially delicate wound.

I don't know exactly what his words did, but they upset me really deeply. I felt like crying, screaming, destroying things, it was as if my soul was shaking and rattling within my body. I wasn't able to put words into what I was feeling, but I felt upset both about my detransition situation and about being a lesbian.

His previous message dug into my internalised homophobia and how much I still struggle to accept myself and not hate myself for being a lesbian. And I said "Whatever 'lesbian pride' I wave around here [in that fb group] is about as shallow as my makeup. I don't want to be a lesbian, I'm just trying to accept that I simply am one."

It's tearing at me. How ruined my entire life feels. As I tried to fall asleep in my early morning cries, I felt like I've ruined my whole life so bad. Like beyond redemption, almost. Or I don't know if it is redeemable. What can I do, except from just keep trying? I fucked up my body and traumatised myself sexually for a decade cause of the traumas before that, and I lived lies upon lies in desperate attempts to escape from myself, but now it has all caught up with me. Everything.

And it felt like a mountain hitting me in my face. And I still can't get up from the impact. I can't. I'm just lying here. Defeated.

I've been a little better for the past couple of months, although still dysfunctional enough to not manage doing anything productive, but then yesterday it was like I fell down into a pit of despair again. Same pit as before. I hate my life. Just look at it?! It's a full on tragedy. And it breaks my ravaged heart.

Is it too late to try to love my body and connect with it? Or is it beyond saving? Is it too late to start over with my dating/sex life in a way that won't traumatise me and that only includes other women? Or am I too hopelessly traumatised and unlovable forever? Is it too late? Will this pain kill me?

I keep wondering. No I'm not suicidal and have no such intentions what so ever, but fuck yeah I do wish I was dead and it's possible I could end up dying out of sheer negligence. Unintentionally starve to death cause of my ever decreasing appetite and I just forgot to eat, or care to eat. Cause I don't know how to push through this, and I'm so, so despondent. I don't have motivation for anything, not even breathing.

Truth is I feel horrible about the way I look. I hate that I look so bad when not "dolled up" cause I'm no fucking doll! And I feel like I'm putting on a mask of more femininity than I want to, in order to "look like a woman" and the trans community's harmful views on manhood and womanhood being purchasable lifestyle choices dig wounds into me and make me wanna scream. Am I buying womanhood in makeup, razors, dresses and a new female name? Fuck no, it doesn't work like that! And nor will me getting permanent hair removal and boob surgery be like me buying womanhood either. Being a woman is my birth right as much as it is my birth curse. It's something I fought my entire life to stop fighting... but I have a feeling that fight will never truly end. That I will always have to fight society on that point, if not also myself.

And truth is calling myself a lesbian feels like a joke cause I'm not even a "real" woman anymore. I'm not anything. I shredded my femaleness for a fake maleness. Ripped off my skin for a plastic suit. I'm a hackjob. A failed experiment. A broken girl who never got to truly become a woman. I'm stunted in my growth. It feels like it's too late now. I know I love women, that my love is exclusively for women, that that's what I want and it feels so good to even just imagine it considering how lonely I am... but just how much of a lesbian am I really when I still disconnect so hard from other women and from seeing myself as somehow one of them? So to the point that I feel like I'm a drag queen, a kind of man toying around with femininity making a mockery out of being a woman with caked on makeup and padded bras... but I'm just sad. Trying to recreate what I've forsaken.

To some degree I can connect better to other lesbians, though. And that's a big reason I hold on so tightly to the lesbian community already despite being so new in it and not quite getting the in's and out's of it yet. The struggles I share with them, and that there is some mutual understanding in that feeling of being alienated from other women in general. And on that point, I think I even relate noticably better to butch lesbians than I do to feminine straight women. That gay struggle runs deeper than what we look like. Also, before, I used to think being gay and bi was like a similar struggle or even pretty much the same. But oh boy, was I wrong.

Back when I still thought I was bisexual and thought I had "internalised biphobia", I thought to myself that it would be better if I was a lesbian instead... I take back that stupid wish now! I wanna whack myself in the head over it! But I think, that I actually got so far in accepting my attraction to women back then, that I even started thinking it would be fine if I was actually a lesbian, was one of the reasons that deeply suppressed/repressed truth in me started finally surfacing.

So no, I really don't think I in any way "wished myself gay" but rather that the desperate wish made my actual homosexuality start to show itself to me, cause I had let down my guard and inner defenses enough to open that door slightly. But then bunch of months later of course the thought hits me that "that was a really dumb wish" as if it was somehow the cause although I know it wasn't and it doesn't work like that. I guess that's just my internalised homophobia beating me with its stick again. Laughing in my face singing "nana-na-naaaana you got what you wished for, have fun in hell!" cause it echoes truth in everything that's ever randomly happened to me in my life, or in the random ways I was born.

I know I keep questioning myself when I really should be questioning society and its questionable ways of treating people like me. But it’s easier to beat myself up cause I’m closer and more accessible.

When I thought I was bisexual I thought I had at least some shred of heterosexuality about myself that I could hold onto, which made my attraction to women... not less scary but more like... something I didn't "have to" accept about myself (I know that sounds bad, but as a coping mechanism). But since knowing I'm actually a lesbian, that slight sense of security got pulled away from under my feet and I'm suddenly left to rely on and only having my attraction to women, which makes it even more scary and daunting. Like I really have to accept this now or else I'll have nothing.

And I'm just floating around somewhere scary and unstable with no ground to put my feet on. Cause I walked on a glass floor and it broke.

But the image of myself and what I try to recreate becomes skewed and disturbed like a false immitation. Like a scary victorian doll meant to resemble a child. I can never truly become myself again, or the woman I was supposed to become. I'm stuck as a living doll, reeking of decay.

It makes me think of a horrifying case of necrophilia I once saw a documentary about. A man who picked up the remains of a former patient of his cause he was "in love" (obsessed) with her. She had died of tuberculosis and he was her doctor who tried to cure her (I think this was back in the 30's or something before a cure existed, and yeah, actually happened). He propped her up like a doll in his home, trying all sorts of techniques to keep her looks from fading as she decayed over time. The photos of what he had of made her body, 7 years after her death, still haunt me a little. Poor girl. (And yeah, there was more horror to the story considering it's said to be the worst case of necrophilia in history so far... but let's leave out those details, okay. Not relevant to my feelings.)

But why, oh why, do I connect that horrifying image to my own body?! Cause she had essentially been turned into a doll, made of her own human remains, plastic and paint. And very tragically sexualised, which erh... yeah is relatable on a highly metaphorical level. I felt really dead when I was traumatised sexually over and over, and I felt really a lot like I was just a sex doll for men's pleasure. Completely mindlessly so. And also... she too never became a woman. She was only 15-16 years old when she died. I often relate to tragedies, in general.

And I fear that kind of image. Of becoming something like a false immitation of my former self that will haunt me. It reminds me of my childhood nightmares and horror movies I've seen. It reminds me of my phobia of distortion and fearing my own mirror reflection for weeks cause what if it will look distorted and unnatural? What am I detransitioning into, a monster? It makes me dissociate again. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I'm not here. The number you have reached is out of service.

I don't wanna go through this pain. It's far too much and it suffocates me. I wanna escape this horrible hell in my mind. I want a time machine. Go back to my teens. Start over again. I really want to start over. Life went horribly wrong and there's no way back.

#personal #sad post #really morbid stuff too #detransition #message from a friend #lesbian #detransitioning lesbian #womanhood #transition regret #phobia of distortion #i dont have depression its natural that tragedies depress ppl #traumatised

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defectiveturret0005133-blog · 5 years

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I’m really fucking scared. I think I might be transgender and I really wish I weren’t. I have support from family about it, that’s not the issue. I thought I was trans as far back as three years ago, hell I’d even socially transitioned. Back then I thought I was one of those fucking trender nonbinary genders like genderdox or demifluid and as time went on I shifted more and more towards ftm. At the start of the year I cane out to everyone as a trans man and they were fake nice about it, like they didn’t want to hurt my feelings but you could tell they didn’t believe me. Admittedly, I had a fucked up childhood so can you really blame them? But anytime I’d hear my parents call me their son it felt wrong. Being ID’d as a man felt nice for a long time until eventually it didn’t. I went by Will up until about July when I had a fucking epiphany late at night that told me I wasn’t trans at all. So I stopped presenting masculine and socially detransitioned. I was ok for a while but then little by little my dysphoria came crawling back.

I spent my summer and fall working at a secluded resort and I’d had my binder shipped to me, for “Halloween costume purposes”. I didn’t want to admit to anyone, especially myself, that I was feeling dysphoria again, especially when I didn’t totally hate what I saw in the mirror when I dressed femininely. Where is the line between liking the pretty girl in the mirror because you like yourself or because you see a pretty girl and you like pretty girls? Please tell me I’m genuinely asking. I started spending as much time as I could binding again, which when you have a roommate is an unfortunately small amount. Whenever I’d have a moment to myself I’d lay around in only a binder and some jeans, and anytime I’d go out to eat with friends I’d either be binding or layering up to cover my chest, or I’d be turning the girliness up to eleven.

Coming back from the resort I think I tried to pretend I hadn’t felt any dysphoria at all, that I was still happy being seen as a girl. And it worked, sort of. I still felt uncomfortable being called daughter but I didn’t hate my birth name as much as before I left, at least until two weeks ago. I’d been writing a piece for a fanfic I’d been working on, and that part happened to involve a magician sneaking a potion in a trans dude’s drink so that when he woke up he was in the correct body, and writing has always been a way for me to analyze what’s going on in my head so of course I wrote it from the perspective of the trans guy and by the time I was done I was fucking shaking in my bed, taken aback by just how easily it was to write this but also by the mountain of dysphoria that landed on me. So now I’m scared and confused and I just wish this shit would fucking leave me alone for once in my goddamn life is that so much to fucking ask?

I’m openly admitting my dysphoria. I hate my chest, if I close my eyes long enough I can forget it’s there and then any reminder I get to it’s presence makes my fucking skin crawl. I used to wish I could get a double mastectomy on the basis of cancer prevention and was actually fucking dissapointed when I learned the only breast cancer to run in my family was benign. I fucking hate my uterus. I wish I had a penis and balls instead. The idea of having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I literally cannot successfully fantasize about anything unless it involves my having a penis. My having a uterus makes me so incredibly uncomfortable that I would literally rather die of ovarian cancer than have a physical done down there. Other people knowing I have a uterus is one of my biggest fears, enough so that I use toilet paper instead of pads so I don’t have to feel the misery that is checking out a a grocery store with them in my cart. Speaking of periods, can we all just agree that they’re worse than death itself. Period cramps are bad enough on their own but when you know you’re bleeding and you shouldn’t be because you shouldn’t have that organ in the first place it makes me more fucking suicidal than I already am. Being called she and her and daughter feels like a leprechaun is gently punching me in the fucking stomach. I hate how fucking short I am. I almost always dream myself with a male body. I remember a few years back the thoughts “I would make a great boyfriend. But I’m a girl” and “I just want to be seen as one of the guys. But I’m a girl” crossing my mind on an almost weekly basis. I also remember dancing around the eating disorder community, because I thought if I could starve all the fat off my body I’d be able to start fresh and present how I actually wanted to. Literally all evidence points to me being ftm.

And yet I cannot overlook the past year of living as a man and just how uncomfortable it made me. I remember watching Beauty and the Beast and having a fucking meltdown because growing up I aligned myself so much with belle and knew that if I transitioned I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore, and I had to fucking remind myself that im not supposed to like the idea of wearing dresses or girly clothing anymore. Being called a girl felt like a gut punch but so did being called a guy.

And yet the thing is, even though I did have to remind myself that I didn’t like those things anymore, it was really fucking easy to remind myself of that. I still get flashes of wanting to wear a cute dress or some nice makeup but as soon as I actually try it out it feels wrong and I stop before I make myself any more uncomfortable. So yes in theory I still like dresses and makeup but in practice it makes me actually want to die.

I’ve been dancing around the term non-binary for a little bit and I honestly think I hate that option even more than the other two. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with identifying as nonbinary. Not even a little bit. But I can’t possibly see how I myself would be nonbinary when I’ve got the same crippling dysphoria associated with being trans ftm. Like honestly, I’ve looked this shit up. Going to fucking webmd I’ve checked off literally every sign of being ftm, except for like two regarding certainty in youth being male aligned which honestly when I’ve had the term tomboy shoved down my throat and been raised into blindly believing what my parents told me to do or say or be, is it that unreasonable to not think I could even be a boy when I had a masculine girl option at the fucking ready?

My entire life being a girl was the only option I’d ever been allowed to have, not because I was told outright not to be trans but because being trans was seen as a joke to my family, a bit for a movie or something those other people did, something to get a quick laugh out of an audience and then to be put back on the back burner, never to be thought about again, which, considering my aunts best friend is literally ftm trans is the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yet even once I knew about the trans community and that people who were that were still just normal people everything in my upbringing told me that it wasn’t something that was ok for me to be.

Through typing this I’m quickly discovering that I’ve got a whole lotta internalized transphobia that I’m dealing with. I honest to god didn’t even know it was there until just now. My stepsister is mtf and my closest rinkmate is ftx and I’ve fought tooth and nail for their families to accept them, so I didn’t even realize it was an option for me to be so transphobic towards myself. Im realizing I’m afraid that I’m trans because being trans is still something that’s wrong in my head, even if it’s not wrong in my head for other people. I hate this. Why couldn’t I just be cis. Wot couldn’t I have just had that epiphany back in July and that been it? Just detransistioned and left this mess in the past, like the phase it was supposed to be. I’d rather be dead than deal with this, someone please kill me so it’s not my own fault I’m dead. I hate my parents for twisting my own mind against myself but I don’t want my other family to think they should have done more to help. I wish I could just be myself completely without all this stress but apparently that’s not an option so here we are. I’m afraid to tell anyone else I think I’m trans because if I’m wrong again I don’t want people to think I’m just doing it for attention but keeping it to myself is tearing my to shreds and I don’t know what to fucking do anymore I just want it all to fucking end please god someone just make it fucking stop I can’t take it anymore I’m tired of being strong I need a break someone help me please help I need help help me I’m suffocating fuck help me please help

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just-reid-a-little-blog · 6 years

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Sexuality is fluid. This is something that we, the LGBTQIA+ community has learned. What I don’t really hear about a lot is whether gender identity is or can be fluid in the same sense.

I’ve been transitioning for almost five years now, and I just am now realizing that my identity isn’t what I thought it was - again. I feel like I’m transitioning all over again.

I don’t want to say I regret anything, because I don’t really associate this feeling with regret...but knowing what I know now, and being where I am now, I might have done some things differently.

I was designated female at birth. Why do I use designated? Because not only was it forced upon me based on my biological attributes, but because I’ve started to believe that gender is just a social construct. In my mind, it doesn’t mean much more than whether you can carry kids or not. Beyond that, I don’t see, or understand gender in the conventional sense.

Since my transition, I was never introduced to purely nonbinary ( I’m using nonbinary as I identify, as in neither male or female, and not transgender) individuals. I knew almost exclusively, all transgender males. I maybe, barely knew, one transgender female.

I honestly didn’t branch out much beyond those few people. When I began transitioning, I was having a tough time because I had just made all new friends and one of my relationships ended because of my desire to transition.

Anyway, being male made more sense at the time for me. Mentally, it lessened my depression and anxiety. Physically, I didn’t feel like I needed to look a certain way. I was much happier.

While I struggled with gender as a child, I think my transitioning was the results of PTSD and a need to start over. I DID and DO suffer from body dysphoria, but I think a lot of it was brought on by the early sexualization of my body. I started puberty earlier than a lot of other ‘females’, I was sexually harassed and I was used for my body. My body was no longer my own. It was talked about and judged and had all these expectations. I fought between hiding it and flaunting it because I didn’t know how to be comfortable in it.

I hated it. I grew to hate sex, hate my body, hate being a ‘woman’, because society was teaching me that those were all I was good for. I wanted to be someone else.

So I became a ‘man’.

In these past five years, despite what I thought, I was being influenced. By my friends, by my family. They had expectations of me as a man, how I was supposed to act, what I could and couldn’t do, now that I was a man. Thinking back on it now, I heard a lot of “You’re a man now, you’ve got to do this,” Or I should know how to do this or that. I started using, I guess you could say excuses, to try to make them understand. “Well I’m feminine, or ‘gay’ or whatever”.

I’m not going to get into all of it, but that was the basis of it.

I’ve gone through numerous procedures now. I’ve been on hormones, I’ve had top surgery, a hystorectomy, some bottom surgery. I’ve had quite a bit done. And my anxiety got worse. I was so worried about final stage phalloplasty. It felt like too much, but I couldn’t wrap my head around not ‘completing’ my transition. A lot of it was like, well what happens if you get into a relationship, how will you please your partner, don’t you want to have sex, don’t you want to be pleasured? No. I don’t. It was never pleasureable for me or special or exciting or whatever. Getting turned on felt weird, I couldn’t get off and I hated touching my body. Why was my body the designated tool for someone else’s pleasure?

Don’t get me wrong, I love intimacy. I love being close to someone, making THEM feel good. But for me? It doesn’t do anything.

So I got rid of those body parts. I don’t have a chest. I don’t have the average genitalia. And I know I’m happier like this. I don’t worry about sex or anything. But it’s been hard to shake what society has taught me. That I HAVE to like sex, that I have to do it, that its normal.

There are things I might have done differently. Maybe I wouldn’t have started testosterone had I been more comfortable in my body. Maybe I wouldn’t have had a total hystorectomy, removing all my original hormones. I really don’t like all the extra hair. My metabolism sucks.

But I can’t go back, and I’m not unhappy. I’d like to think I’m actually pretty content. I still struggle with weight. I still have some body image issues. And I’m having a hard time with wrapping my head around being gender nonconforming.

I’m trying to do what makes me happy, but people are confused and I don’t know how to help with that. I’ve tried to explain it to my mom, but I don’t think she gets it. I don’t know how to explain it to her.

I want to change my name again, I like change. I don’t necessarily mind my name, but again, I think I jumped a little prematurely into the game. I was eighteen and I didn’t have anyone who could stop me. Five years ago, I would have told you that I wanted every surgery and to be as masculine as possible.

Now? Now I want to have long hair, and have a thin body. I don’t want to be seen as male or female. I don’t care about pronouns. I just want to be me?

I’m not sure if anyone can relate to any of this. But I felt like I needed to get it on paper. I don’t want to detransition. I just wish there were some things I could change I guess? Idk. It’s kind of all over the place and jumbled.

#nonbinary #gender nonconforming #non-binary #lgbtqia #lgbt #mogai #enby #transition #gender??#gender #social norms

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werevulvi · 5 years

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I... probably should have known this would happen to some degree or another, but somehow I wasn't prepared. I think I've lost 2, if not more, friends. Both trans. Obviously due to my views on trans stuff having changed, and me daring to be vocal about it. Like what else...

One of them still interacts indirectly with me on facebook by liking some of my comments/posts, but he has seemingly stopped speaking to me, since about a month ago. I've only met him online, since about a year or so ago.

The other one... well he's the trans guy I had such a huge crush on for several years but he didn't reciprocate my feelings, and we even thought of each other as pretty much best friends for a couple of years, then drifted apart a bit but kept in some kind of contact. Until I broke up with my ex Y. I know that Y (whom I broke contact with cause the relationship went bad for us both) most certainly warned my friend about me being a "toxic" person, and unfairly so.

Since then he hasn't said a single word to me, or even acknowledged when I've made friendly comments on his posts, etc. And I just now noticed he has blocked me here on tumblr and unfriended me on facebook. Without a word. We were friends for over 10 years, maybe 12. It does hurt, but I do understand. No reason for me to be mad at him about it or try to contact him. It's his choice. And most likely because of what I've posted and reblogged here recently, which I know is entirely on me. But it's just hard to see that friendship die like that.

Cause these past few weeks or so, I've been suspecting more than usually that my best friend has abandoned me just the same as well. Like I felt the last few gasps of our friendship dying, and I've panicked. She always sends me a text message for Christmas. She didn't this time. I could have sent her one, but then I couldn't. My heart sank too much. Her birthday is tomorrow, as she turns 30, and I can't decide if I should force myself to send her a hopeless "happy birthday" message or not, still desperately holding on to a dying breath.

I've been thinking about writing her a letter, by hand or something. To tell her that I never wanted to lose her as a friend, but that I've felt it was coming to this for a long time, and that I'd accept it if she wants to move on, but can't pretend it doesn't hurt. If only I had her new adress... or her email. I do have her parents' adress though. Worst case scenario I could go via them, and ask them for her adress. I was always on good terms with her mother. She'd know it's not something I've done wrong, to cause me to drift apart from my life-long friendship with her daughter. Or I could just write the letter to have for myself if I can't figure out where to send it.

I'm pretty sure she unfollowed me on facebook sometime around spring last year, when I completely stopped getting any sort of notifications from her. I used to check her profile page every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, cause my feed was getting too cluttered and she didn't post often, so I kept missing them. Her posts were mostly just about her kid which I couldn't relate to, so I mostly just gave it a "like" or "love" but didn't say anything, cause I just had nothing to say. I checked again just now cause had forgotten for a few weeks... but her facebook page is gone. She never told me. I dunno what's going on. She's had that account for as long as I've had mine... 9 years, and never even went inactive before. But now it appears her account has been deleted. You don't just do that for no reason, right?

Her husband is still on facebook and on my friend list, but I think he unfollowed me too, cause I haven't gotten any response from him for a really long time either. I used to be close friends with him too, since before they got together some 8 years ago. Last I ever heard from either of them was an invitation to a party, in the city they live in, back in November. I didn't go, cause I was in a terrible mental state due to my detrans-tragedy and couldn't handle traveling so far with flights and all. They didn't say anything to me, it was just a plain fb invitation, no explanation or anything. I thought it was odd and it gave a bad gut feeling. Not that long ago, but the next last thing I ever heard from them was when I texted her about my detransitioning, back in July, and she just stopped texting me back after a couple of days, without notice, which upset me. Before then... I don't remember.

I guess our friendship wasn't worth more than that to her. I guess I was right after all. That her boyfriend, then later husband and then her kid all just mattered a million times more than I ever did to her. I was the first person she ever knew except from her parents, when we were 2 years old and met in kindergarten, and instantly liked each other. We were classmates from grade 0 to 9th grade. She had a few other best friends until we really connected at age 12. I was never into her romantically or sexually (despite my gayness and her beauty), and she's super straight, but we did get a lesbian reputation in late elementary school, cause we were always so close. Losing her does break my heart, but why can't I even pick up the phone to text or call her?

I lost her the moment I moved to this island 6 years ago, cause I had noticed she seemed to care less about me a year earlier, and I think me moving halfway across the country was the death blow... and I never managed to rebuild my life since then, while her's flourished. Am I jealous? Well of course.

Early in life, we basically had the same potential... then we both had some issues with mental health, but she found love, got a job, got married, got a kid, bought a house, lives in the city we both always loved... whereas I got too fucking traumatised, wasted my 20's getting a sex change I then regretted, moved to an island I also regretted and can't move back, ended up in a series of shitty relationship with men until discovering I'm a lesbian, I'm single again, living on sickness compensation in a place I hate, with my anger issues, tragedies and inability to function well enough to even get a cat. How different life can turn out for two people, even though we were always so similar in personality, behaviour, humour, interests, lifestyle, the life goals we had, and even in our looks. I think about that sometimes, and how much I struggle to be happy for her. I guess I just got the short straw.

But even though I'm jealous that life went so much better for her, at least I still always cared about her as a person and the friendship we had. At least she always remained in my mind and in my heart. For recent years I've kept imagining I held onto her by my pinky finger, but my grip kept slipping by the day, as we drifted apart more and more. I think our bond is now broken. She let go of my pinky finger. That hurts more than I can let myself feel right now. How long were we best friends for? If I count up until today... then it was 17 years. And how long have we known each other as friends for? 28 years. It's a 28 years long friendship in our 30 years long lives. How she can just shake that off and move on, I don't understand.

The physical distance shouldn't matter... but it was what made her take distance from me, little by little. Like slowly pulling off a band aid. I should have been there with you when you got married. I wasn't. I should have been there with you when you got your daughter. I wasn't. I'm sorry I failed you, but you failed me too. Soulmate sister... may our past friendship rest in peace. I will remember you.

Every single memory I have of her flashing before my eyes. My entire body hurts. I feel nauseous. I can't process this, I don't want to feel this.

Correction, I've lost 3 friends.

#long rant #personal #sad post #lost friendships #feeling heartbroken #losing a life long friendship #like literally #i used to think this could never happen to us #but i guess everything is possible

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werevulvi · 6 years

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Long rant about my detransition

I often get questions from random people about my detransitioning and how I see myself and gender now. I latched on to the label "cis" mostly out of spite, but I don't really care, and I also rarely ever use it irl. I'm a woman and proudly so. Not genderqueer or even particularly gnc, but I feel masculine in my personality. Like a blunt mess in a dress, and I love that mental picture of myself. I don't consider myself trans anymore, just detrans and detransing. I came up with those short forms myself. Feel free to take them if they appeal to you, no copyrights.

It seems many I meet jump to the conclusion that I'm born male and transitioned to female and/or am crossdressing. I don't think that's shameful in any way but it does put me in an awkward position socially, as it's almost what could be considered my counterpart. My hyper-femininity is almost backlashing on me, that it combined with my masculine physical features, may look a bit like an unnatural performance of sorts.

But the truth is I finally stopped performing and stopped giving any fucks about what others want for me to look like. That's why they complain so loudly and often now. Let them have at it. I'm shrugging it off. Like a wet dog shaking water off its fur. I'll splash some right back at those who are being particularly persistent.

I don't really regret having taken testosterone. I took it for 6 years, so a pretty long time, and it did have a lot of effects on my body. But most of the permanent effects it had I either am okay with or even like. And most of the effects I don't like about it are non-permanent and will revert back on their own. It's really just my high hairline and greatly thinned out, brittle hair that is an actual issue that I can't reverse. But maybe I can find ways to cope with and/or mitigate that. As for now, makeup, willful ignorance and hair extensions are my blessings. Over all, the effects of testosterone didn't ruin my body or make it ugly, and most of its affects are non-issues for me, so it's not even much to regret.

The more I've thought about it, the more I come to the conclusion that probably all I really need to be comfortable enough with my body is to wait for the excess testosterone to leave my body to make space for my natural estrogen again, get a new pair of boobs and a fuckload of confidence. And if I could get a discount on razors and shaving creams, that would be super sweet.

I expect my chest will always be a scarred mess with some lack of sensation, but it being flat distresses me day and night. So I'd rather it be a scarred mess with fake boobs than what it is now. I agree with what my alter Anna once said during a switch when she stuffed her bra: "It doesn't have to be a lot, just something." Perhaps a surgeon could make it look nice, but I don't hope too high. For my top surgery I did get double incision and those scars will likely cause issues in the aesthetic department. But it's what I have to work with and just the thought of having boobs again makes me melt in comfort. Even if they won't be pretty, they'd be mine and a part of me. That'll do.

Depending on how I'll feel about the procedure when that time comes, I may want to share my experience and results online. There's really not a lot of info about reversal surgeriers for detransitioning people out there. It could be greatly appreciated for other women in my situation, to at least get to see and hear about ONE example. So I'm considering that. But I haven't even seen a surgeon yet, so hold your horses, this might even take years.

Yes, I'll look ambiguous if I decide to not reverse anything that the tesosterone changed, but maybe that is not the issue, but rather my attitude towards that. I can still be hyper-feminine and super girly even with a deep voice and stubble on my face. As long as I stay away from dark alleys and creepy neighbourhoods where that sort of thing can be dangerous. If men can be feminine with those sort of features, then I sure as hell can too. And I'll try my best to not be so bothered by being mistaken for one.

Transitioning was an adventure in my life that I thought was a journey home. But it wasn't. I got lost and forgot what really matters. So now I'm trying to find my way back home again. It has changed since I last saw it a decade ago, but this body is still my home, and here I will stay.

#personal #detransition #detransitioning woman #thoughts and feelings about present and future #cant be fucked with your trigger warnings #reversal surgery thoughts #testosterone hrt #regretting top surgery #femininity #passing #last sentence refers to a song by human drama called here i will stay #to me it means i love my body even though it feels broken #so ill patch up the worst and accept the rest

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