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i-am-bella-donna · 1 year

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When I Am Gone Chapter 2: Plea

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Story Summary:

Janus knew he could not take much more of this. The constant fear and walking on eggshells—it was wearing him down. He needed an out, and quickly.

But that would mean leaving Remus behind.

Besides—who would believe Janus if he asked for help?

Chapter Summary:

Desperate for advice, Janus seeks out an unexpected source of aid.

Pairings: Platonic Anxceit, Platonic Dukeceit

Word Count: 1,874

CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A

A/N: Chapter Theme Song: NVM by Faith Marie

So…I am not dead!

With that said, I am very sorry for the long wait. This past year has been…interesting. I am literally posting this chapter in the dark during a four-hour bus ride.

Enjoy!

~~~

Janus had many regrets in his existence as a Side.

He regretted not revealing himself to Thomas sooner, even though it would have resulted in an inevitable punishment. He regretted doing nothing when he caught Virgil sneaking over to the Light Mindscape, even though there was little he could have done to control the actions of a man seven years his senior—especially when he himself had only been sixteen.

He most certainly regretted allowing Remus to convince him that mud cake would make a good idea for dessert.

But as he rocked on his heels outside Virgil’s door, his hand positioned to knock, he regretted thinking that this conversation would ever be a good idea.

What if Virgil gets mad? screeched a tiny voice in the back of his mind, deafening in comparison to the silence of the hallway.

Although…what was the likelihood of Virgil getting angry over a simple question? Virgil could be irritable, but he was far from unreasonable—

What if he gets mad at you for waking him up? his mind challenged. Or what if he gets mad because, you know, he hatesyou? Those are both perfectly reasonable explanations.

Janus gulped and scrubbed at his face with his other hand. Seriously, what makes you think he’ll actually give you advice?

He shuddered—not completely from the cold—as all the ways that Virgil might react began to play through his mind. He imagined Virgil glaring at him in annoyance and biting out a scornful, “What do you want me to do about it?” He imagined Virgil rolling his eyes and instructing him to stop making such a large deal over an issue so trivial. Or—

Janus snatched his hand back as his breath hitched.

He imagined Virgil spitting in his face and hissing that Janus deserved it. Deserved all of what he received.

“Is everything okay?”

Startled, Janus snapped his head up, expecting to see Virgil standing right before him—only to be met with the sight of the still-closed door. His confusion was interrupted as Virgil spoke up again.

“Sorry to cut in,” Virgil continued through the door, his voice soft with empathy in a way Janus had not heard in years. “Just…well, you’ve been standing outside my door for a while, and your anxiety is really strong. You don’t have to, but…do you wanna talk about it?”

Unable to tear his eyes away from the door, Janus set a palm against the cold wood. His chest was rising and falling far too quickly for comfort. Every breath was a stab to his lungs.

Surely Virgil was not being serious. Surely he had not just invited Janus, his self-proclaimed worst enemy, into his bedroom. To talk about emotions, no less.

But Janus had not detected a lie.

“Shit, sorry—that just made it worse, didn’t it?” Virgil cut into his thoughts. Janus could practically hear him running his hands through his hair. “I—look. You don’t have to be embarrassed. I can’t tell who you are right now because it’s three in the morning and my reading is super muddled”—oh—“but no matter who’s out there, I promise not to judge.”

Janus held his breath and dared to hope. It almost sounded too good to be true—

“If you’re Patton, then Pat, you already agreed to stop repressing your feelings. If you’re Logan, then you yourself said that talking about emotions is useful. When Remus showed up, remember? And if you’re Roman—dude. I could handle you when you were going through coffee withdrawal. This is nothing, trust me.”

—and it was.

Janus wilted. Internally, he could feel his heart…sinking was not the right word. Collapsing was more accurate.

Virgil had not even considered him, but Janus should have foreseen this outcome. What reason did Virgil have not to immediately send him of all Sides away?

“Okay—I’m really sorry about this, but I wanna make sure you aren’t having a panic attack right now, so…I’m just gonna open the door.”

Shit!

Janus could only stand frozen as fear flooded his body; bare feet glued to the floor as the door creaked open.

Janus stared. Virgil stared back.

Barely a heartbeat passed before the expression of the latter shifted—switching from gentle to shocked to furious.

Janus gulped and stepped backward.

“What are you doing here?” Virgil growled, his eyes darkening and his voice demonic. Janus scrambled for an explanation, but before he could string two words together, Virgil was shaking his head and scoffing. “Get out of here, you bastard,” he said more softly, eyes darting to the other doors in the hallway before he slammed his own dark violet door shut.

Please—

Janus could hear his heart hammering and his blood rushing. He was trembling madly. Every inch of him was screaming at him to run and hide before Virgil could slap him—

Wait.

What?

Actually—no. Now was not the time.

Janus forced himself to shuffle forward. Sucking in an unsteady breath, he knocked tentatively on the door.

Silence.

He licked his lips and tasted blood. “Virgil?”

No response.

“Virgil, please…”

He turned and leaned back against the door, slumping and hugging himself tightly as he tried not to let the tidal wave of hopelessness overwhelm him. Of course his plan had been an egregious failure. He should have foreseen this outcome and remained in his room. What had he been thinking? It would have been pointless to ask for help.

Pointless to hope that his circumstances could improve.

Janus would just have to weather the storm alone. Leave Remus. Move over to the Light Mindscape—a place he knew he was unwanted—and disrupt their peace. Be as self-absorbed and self-centered as always.

You’re a fucking monster.

He swallowed hard and dug the heels of his palms into his burning eyes. Shame washed over him, a twin to his guilt.

…Maybe it would be better for everyone if he just gave up.

Before he fell down that rabbit hole, though, he found himself falling in a much more literal sense.

His breath froze in his lungs.

Janus braced himself for the wave of pain that would tear through his body, only for two unexpected hands to shoot out and loop under his shoulders just before he could hit the ground.

“Fuck,” came the exasperated mutter from above.

He hesitantly looked up to see two stormy eyes glowering at him, the light from beyond the half-open door making the face in question appear to be glowing. He could only gape as Virgil lowered him to the ground, a touch of gentleness in his motions—although it was so faint that Janus was almost certainly imagining it. Why would Virgil of all Sides be gentle with him?

It was three in the morning—his mind was most likely the culprit. Who had good judgment at three in the goddamn morning? Certainly not Janus.

He was yanked from his thoughts as Virgil kicked his legs into the room and shut the door behind them, stepping over Janus and walking deeper inside.

“Just…come in,” Virgil grumbled over his shoulder.

Janus blinked at the ceiling, taking slow breaths in an attempt to calm his racing heart. Virgil was going to…hear him out? To actually give him a chance to explain himself?

Before he could think too much of it, Virgil cleared his throat. “So…did you come here for a reason? Or did you just want to get your snake slime all over my floor?” Despite the previous sliver of kindness, his words dripped with venom. “I brought you in here to keep you from disturbing anyone else, but I don’t have all night. What do you want?”

Any hope flickering in his chest immediately winked out, realization washing over him like icy water. Virgil had only invited him in as the means to an end. Of course. It made perfect sense—after all this time, why would Virgil care about him?

Slowly and with an attempt to regain as much dignity as possible, Janus pushed himself onto his feet. He silently cursed the tremors that had started up again, hoping that Virgil would not notice.

Janus was not so lucky.

Virgil paused as his gaze locked onto Janus, some of the anger in his eyes dissolving. Nevertheless, his stare continued to burn like matches held to his skin. Janus swallowed, regretting his decision to come over.

I take it back—I want out.

“I apologize for disturbing you, Virgil,” Janus said as evenly as he was able. “I can get out of your hair—”

“Not so fast,” Virgil interrupted, crossing his arms and leveling Janus with a stern—but surprisingly not angry—expression. Janus tensed, not daring to move a muscle as a beat passed in silence. Virgil finally sighed, rubbing the back of his neck in a sheepish manner. “Look—I’m not handling this right.”

Janus could only blink at the unexpected change in his countenance. Even his panic was momentarily muted by surprise.

“I know we…don’t exactly get along anymore, but I would never leave anyone alone like this. Not this anxious. For some bullshit reason, you came over here. So…yeah. Just spit it out.” Virgil dropped onto the edge of his bed, rubbing a hand down his face. “We can talk about the issue tonight, and we can go back to hating each other in the morning. Capiche?”

Janus stared at Virgil, his breaths picking up. He brought a closed fist to his chest and rubbed the knuckles roughly against his skin.

Virgil frowned at this reaction. “Hey, uh…” His voice trailed off, and Janus squirmed in his seat as Virgil looked him up and down. Finally, he took a deep breath and gestured to the couch in the corner of the room. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

Janus was reeling. How was—why was—

Was this a trap?

“…Okay,” Virgil muttered. He rose and walked over to Janus, leading him to the couch and pushing him lightly into his seat. After a moment of hesitation, Virgil took the seat on the other end of the couch and folded his hands in his lap. “Lovely. Great. So…”

Janus picked at the upholstery.

“Why did you come here, Janus?”

His voice was resigned—not angry—but Janus found himself involuntarily shying away. Still….

Speak up. You’re already here, anyway.

He gulped.

Just ask him. What’s the worst thing that can happen? He wouldn’t get violent—that would wake up the others.

His palms were sweating. His throat was bone-dry.

You need to know, Janus. You need to know what happened, and you need to know if it will get better.

His breaths were ragged.

At this point, what have you got to lose?

Even if he did try to speak up, how would he start?

“I need your help.”

Sounded too urgent. It might make Virgil unnecessarily worried.

“Did you miss us when you left?”

Sounded too whiny. It might make Virgil unnecessarily annoyed.

“Are you happy with the Light Sides?”

…No. Absolutely not.

“Janus?”

By now, Virgil had an expression of…something on his face. Something odd.

Please, please don’t be angry.

Janus shut his eyes. “Virgil?”

He could feel the weight of his stare. “Yeah?”

“I”—pant—“have a question.”

“…All right. Go ahead.”

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Just say it.

“What happened when you left us?”

~~~

A/N: What did you all think of the chapter?

#nightshade writes #when i am gone #sanders sides #virgil sanders #janus sanders #anxceit #platonic anxceit #dukeceit #platonic dukeceit #pre putting others first #angst #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort #family #dark sides as family #friendship #late night conversations #running away #the author regrets everything

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totaldramafan-lauri · 6 months

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Make Use Of Me (chapter 1, preview)

Dec. 7 EDIT: ONCE MORE, WITH BRAVERY THIS TIME. No more chickening out. You can read this thing FOR REAL now. Sorry for being weird, and now....sorry if this wasn't worth it. XD

O-OK...here goes....

First thing's first: I am not expecting a lotta people to read this. I'm not asking people to read this. At this point, I'm making this mostly as a passion project, and if anyone enjoys it, it'll be a really cool bonus. My writing style isn't gonna be for everyone, and the characters I write aren't the most....popular characters in the CRK X Reader community, and I imagine this isn't really something a lotta fans'll be demanding more of.

This is LONG. This one chapter is 56 pages long. I am a VERY wordy writer,

So......why'm I posting this preview? Well....partially as an interest gauge for people who WOULD wanna read it, but...mostly as a motivator. As something to remind myself of whenever I get lazy. After all....I can't quit after I made the first chapter public, right? By doing that, I put myself out there...And, hey, I even tagged it, so, if by the off chance, someone did read it, I'm basically promising them more eventually.....

But, again, I'm not forcing anyone to read this.

Not only is it long, but.....This first chapter is probably my least-favorite thing I've ever written. By posting this chapter by itself, I'm testing to see if it does its job of making people wanna read the rest, cuz....right now, I'm not so sure how well it succeeds at that.....

This is the boring part of the story. It's a bunch of setup, and me jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop to just get everything started. I know setup is important and all, but....I'm already a very wordy writer, so....oof....There is some interesting stuff that happens, but it takes a while to get there.

I-I....kinda hate it, actually. The only reason I didn't scrap it is that I didn't realize I hated it until I was about halfway through it and the "good part" hadn't started yet. And I still spent a month writing the thing, so....I finished it.

I'm tagging this...as an experiment. If you wanna read this, go ahead. W-well, read my tags first, THEN go ahead. XD

All I can really say in this chapter's defense is that....I do try my best to salvage it. It's just setup, but I TRIED to make it interesting. And everything that seems like it didn't go anywhere, will later. This isn't the whole story, it's just the beginning of what's gonna be a BIG story. Anything that seems weird in this chapter, gets explored in the other chapters. This does set up a bunch of stuff that becomes important later (The friend character shows up later, the Colosseum becomes relevant later). This chapter is boring, but I tried not to make any of it pointless.

For the future: I'm aiming for five chapters. Chapters 2 and 3 will be a series of smaller vignettes that take place over the course of a few years, chapter 4 will be the climax, and chapter 5 will be something of an epilogue. After that, there will be two endings to choose from (which will make sense when we get there).

This probably won't be my favorite thing I've ever written, but it will be the most ambitious thing I've ever, and probably will ever, write. I haven't written something like this before, and it's all to flesh out this story and make it believable.

Right now, I.....I want to finish this. I'll probably still be writing this in February at the rate I'm going, but...at this point, I've put too much into it to give up on it. However, I'm STILL not completely ruling out the idea of my motivation dying before then. It COULD happen. So, what I'm planning to do is...setting a short-term goal of finishing chapter 3. After I do that, I'll post the first three chapters on AO3 together, and work on the rest. That way, even if I don't finish it, I'll at least have it over half done, and chapter 3 will end on a somewhat high note.

So, yyyyeah....Not a lotta people will read this preview. Overly wordy writing style + boring setup part of story + 56 pages long + assumed lack of interest for X Readers of this character (At least, I haven't SEEN many simps for her, m-maybe I'm wrong, I might be, I-I haven't checked any tags cuz I've been nervous, b-but it doesn't make my writing any better. In that case, this is my first time writing her so I'm trying super hard to do her justice >//////<)

I-if you wanna read this, and see if this first chapter does a good job of making you wanna read the better chapters, then...Go ahead.....

Some notes:

-This is still not the final draft. It's finalized enough for me to share, but I'm still not considering it finished. Even tho I'm working on chapter 3 right now, I STILL go back and edit this, even very recently. So, chances are, even if the story is finalized, small details and sentences are still subject to change. I know for a fact that there are still SOME placeholder bits in here that will change after I get some stuff cleared up. Recently, I even considered chopping off an entire section to make it shorter. I decided not to, but hey, it could still happen. I don't wanna waste anyone's time. The first chapter of a story, even if it's boring, is still very important, and I wanna make sure it's the best version of itself.

(A-and yes, this means that I've finished chapter 2 as well. The reason I'm not sharing it is that, unlike chapter 1, it was finished VERY recently, so I might still need to give myself time to edit it. From what I have, tho, I do like it a LOT more than chapter 1. There are some parts of chapter 2 that I'm legit proud of.)

-Even tho this first chapter is completely clean, I-I should mention that....this fic is for adults. The full version, at least. Chapters 3 and 4 are gonna contain some light N/S/F/W moments (the "fade to black" variety, so nothing explicit) and there'll be other slightly racey comments here and there. Just a heads-up. I'm gonna be uncomfy with minors reading this.

Th-that's all? I-I think that's all.......O-OK, so......h-here goes..... E-enjoy....

#fics by lauri #fanfic preview #WARNING: UNFINISHED #THIS IS JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER #......AND ITS STILL A LONG READ #cookie run x reader #crk x reader #golden cheese cookie x reader #gender neutral reader #also contains a gender neutral 'friend' character you can do what you want with #basically i got inspired by that part in her bio that mentions how...#....shes always looking to add more loyal subjects #and it made me imagine the story of an outsider who gradually integrates into the kingdom and earns her approval #so its an underdog story basically #and there a LOT that the reader gets put through #reader is shy and socially awkward but can also be a bit more sarcastic than the other reader characters ive written #im aiming for a BIT more comedy than usual since its my first crk fic that doesnt take place in the humorless dark cacao kingdom XD #but yeah reader is a ball of anxiety #they get panic attacks later on #pre canon #VERY VERY VERY pre canon #takes place DECADES before canon #before um....the lost city became lost #its not virtual #no errors no avatars #just a technologically advanced city #power imbalance and god complex stuff all over the place cuz fghdhgfhdhfgh im weak for that part of her #also contains some themes of verbal abuse (from nameless characters toward reader)#and like i said it has some adult moments later on #contains a lot of time skips

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