I've been building up this post for quite a while so I think everything in this post is kinda out of order and looks like a bit of a big word vomit... So sorry in advance. Also since it is kinda longer than I realise, I am putting it under the cut. And I am open to any discussion.
(Personally think I may have gotten a few things wrong and if so, please correct me?)
I think the thing about Orym and grief is... A part of him has never let himself grieve his loss properly. He has accepted that they are dead and will never come back, yes. He makes it a point to live up to them everyday, yes. But acceptance is not the same as grief, it is a part of it but not the same.
And this was an interesting discussion I was having with my friends and I feel that it strikes so true here, is the fact that you remember the worst moments of your life more vividly than the happiest moments because in your happy moments, you don't question what happened to you as much as you question your worst moments in life.
And Orym has lived with that question for six years. Now, the same could be said to Ashton and Imogen and Fearne and the rest of the Bells Hells really but as pointed out in this post by @caeslxys. (a really good pot btw) Even though the others have had their questions as to why a particular bad incident happened, Orym has had the shortest time to actually cope with it while for the others, it has been years at this point and maybe they have sort of come to peace with most of their shit before it came back to hit them in their face. And for some, it just hit them recently.
And for Orym the question of "Why?" resurfaces again and again the more he seeks out answers and when he does get the answer... I don't think anyone would really love to learn that the two most important people in their lives were dead because "it was just collateral damage. They didn't really have to die but they did." Not when you were having a happy, peaceful life. They signed up for this, yes. But it is also not fair to have your whole life cut short just because a big shot wants to test a theory.
And I am not trying to say that Orym bringing up his losses every time they have a discussion about the Vanguard is right or wrong because he has every right to and may be wrong at the same time because he is biased. Because at this point, he is very biased.
Apart from what I mentioned above, Orym watched Otohan kill his husband and father. He fought Otohan again and this time lost his life, Fearne and Laudna. He fights Otohan again and nearly loses Keyleth. Fights Otohan again a fourth time and knows that there would've been more losses if FCG hadn't sacrificed themselves. Not to forget Otohan killing Eshteross, something I think Orym internally blames himself for because she read his mind for the information. And even if Otohan is now dead, the loss stays.
I also think that seeing Will when he died had more of a personal impact than he realised because I know while seeing the dead person can sometimes bring some comfort, at the same time, when you are trying to live up to them, trying to answer questions that are just beyond you when you really haven't had the chance to completely grieve and accept, the grief possibly just hits you more.
SO while the Hells have had their personal losses with the Vanguard and Otohan, I think Orym has had the longest beef with the group among them all. He didn't know about the Vanguard 6 years ago, yes. He discovered their name along with the rest of the Hells. But loss wise, Orym was the first of the lot to suffer due to the Vanguard.
This is not me trying to put an exact scale or measurement of the loss cuz it is intangible and stuff. But he's been dealing with it for 6 years. Maybe not for harbouring revenge, but the resentment hasn't completely gone but rather festered the more he seeked answers. So he is going to be extra jaded.
But not to forget the fact that up until Bordor, he did try to see the Vanguard's point too, still kinda does (the locket he took from a Vanguard member as a reminder) but I think by the time of Bordor's betrayal, he's had too many losses with the Vanguard to actually care of their point of view because all he's seen of their group is innocent people getting killed or almost killed for no reason at all.
Bordor's beef as a person from the Vanguard had been against Laudna, Orym and Ashton but he still nearly killed Prism and would've probably marked it off as collateral if she'd died. Dropping off the locket with Bordor doesn't mean that he left all his empathy but at the same time, like he mentions, they are at war. And war doesn't really discriminate amongst people. It just takes.
Like he said to Imogen, I think he still tries to believe the Vanguard can have some people who are good and not all of them are evil but all he's know from the Vanguard at this point is loss and Liliana's blind faith towards Ludinus or Predathos doesn't help.
So back to the recent episode.
Do I think that it is wrong for Orym to bring up to Liliana about his dead family as an answer to her response. No. Do I think it was a wrong time to bring it up? Maybe. Because Liliana was not being confrontational but Orym was turning confrontational the more the discussion happened.
But the thing about Orym saying it to her face is that... It is one thing to know that there have been deaths and even if Liliana didn't directly cause it, she was a part of the group that did and brush it off as collateral damage. And no one does a census or survey post the "collateral damage" on how it affects the other person because now, they have what they want to there is no use to go back there.
And Orym is kinda like that mirror which is like... "SO you had a loss because of the gods and now are going around leaving collateral damage you want to fix stuff? Guess what? Your collateral damage was my life that you just uprooted just like the gods/god people did yours, so are you really any different from the people you hate and the change you want to bring about?" (which is kinda the parallel between Orym and Bordor I find really interesting because this is a cycle that is never ending at the end of the day)
And did Orym need that outlet? Hells yeah. GIVE THAT MAN A HUG!
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No. 25: "Shouldn't You Be Happy"
Part 25 of Deck the Hells
Fandom: Critical Role
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: When Orym's sleep is disturbed by a nightmare about his husband's death, his friends rally around him to offer their support.
(Read on AO3)
...
Orym snapped awake, breathing heavily in the silence of the night. He’d never been one to thrash around or cry out during a nightmare, and this time had been no different. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to shut out the fading images of his dream. That awful day, six years ago…the sun high above Zephrah, the youthful splendor of the Tempest, Will at his side as they stood watch over her. Then the attack. Shadows striking without mercy. Finding Will’s body among the slain, but when he rolled his husband over he found Dorian’s face.
He slowly sat up, studying the faces of his sleeping companions. They were here, alive and safe, camping under the wide night sky of the highlands.
“Everything okay?” Ashton whispered from their place near the fire, where they’d been keeping watch.
“I’m fine,” he whispered back.
Ashton stared at him for a long moment. “It’s just you and me now, man. Come on.”
Slowly, hesitantly, Orym shuffled over to sit on log next to Ashton. “I dream about that day, sometimes.”
“When your family…?”
“Yeah.”
Ashton blew out a breath. “That fucking sucks.”
Orym tried to laugh, but his chest was too tight. “Yeah. Yeah, it does.”
He didn’t mention the part with Dorian. The past was complicated enough, no reason to muddle it with anything else. And it wasn’t like there was something there, not really. Things were…complicated.
“Anyway, it was a long time ago,” he added lamely, staring into the fire.
Ashton hummed. “I don’t think it works like that,” they said, after a few seconds had passed. “I mean, it’s never worked like that for me, and I don’t think I’m that different.”
“It’s been six years,” Orym whispered, voice on the edge of breaking. “Shouldn’t I…I don’t know.”
“What? Shouldn’t you be happy?” Ashton snorted. “I might be the wrong guy to ask about that.”
“Maybe no happy, but…used to it?” He risked a glance at Ashton, making eye contact with them.
Ashton studied for a long moment, then sighed loudly and held out an arm toward him. “Come on,” they said, gesturing with their fingers.
Orym raised his eyebrows. “Are you gonna hit me?”
“No, you’re not an asshole,” Ashton shook their head. “Look, I know I’m not really a hug guy…but you obviously are, so come here.”
He almost resisted, but there was a lonely ache deep in his soul that needed the physical comfort. He shuffled sideways along the log until Ashton could loop their arm around his shoulders and tug him against their side.
“There ya go,” Ashton murmured.
Orym hesitated. “Can I…?”
“Go for it.” He gently wrapped his arms around Ashton’s chest, mindful not to hold too tight. Ashton patted his shoulder, holding him close. “Better?”
Orym nodded.
“Pff! You call that a hug?” On the other side of the fire, Chetney was standing with his arms crossed, glowering at them.
“Did I wake you up?” Orym whispered, pulling away from Ashton.
“Never mind that,” Chetney declared in a stage whisper. He marched around the fire to stand in front of Orym with his arms out. “Let me show you how a real man hugs someone.”
Well, he certainly wasn’t going to say no to a second hug. Orym stood up and let Chetney pull him into his arms. He wasn’t entirely used to hugging someone close to his size. It was kind of nice.
“Thanks, Chet. This is—whoa!”
Halfway through the hug, Chetney shifted, and Orym found himself crushed against a furry werewolf chest.
“This is what we call a wolf hug,” Chetney growled in his ear. “Better than a bear hug.”
Orym laughed at that. He wrapped his arms around Chetney as far as they could go and held on tight, as the werewolf nearly squeezed the breath out of him.
“Oh, are we hugging Orym?” Fearne had come up to stand at Chetney’s elbow.
“Fearne,” Orym gasped. “Did I—”
“Sure,” Chetney replied, cutting off Orym’s question. He turned Orym around and handed him down to the faun, who gracefully knelt with her arms around Orym.
“Sorry, Fearnie,” Orym whispered in her ear.
“I was gonna take next watch anyway,” she replied, giving him an extra squeeze. “Just wake me up next time, okay?”
“Ooh, are we having a party?” Laudna asked, creeping up to Fearne’s shoulder.
“Yes,” Fearne replied. “It’s a very special party where we all give Orym a hug.”
“Why, that sounds delightful!” Laudna wrapped her arms around Fearne’s shoulders, sandwiching Orym between them. “The best thing about giving a hug is that you get one back. Well, unless the person you’re hugging is all ‘ugh, hag, go away’, then you kind of miss out.”
“I didn’t mean to wake everyone up,” Orym mumbled, face squished into Fearne’s shoulder.
“I think it was Chetney that woke us up,” Imogen commented dryly. She waited for Fearne and Laudna to let go before pulling Orym into another hug. “I’m sorry about your dreams,” she whispered in his ear.
His hands tightened in the back of her shirt. “You see them?”
“Little bits, now and then. Just enough to know they must hurt.”
He nodded, and she pushed him away to give him a sympathetic smile. “FCG? Have you ever given someone a hug before?” she called.
“Of course he has,” Fearne replied. “He hugged the Changebringer.”
“Fearne, that was just a beetle.”
“Well, one woman’s beetle is another woman’s goddess.”
“I’ll give it a shot,” Fresh Cut Grass said, interjecting before the conversation could get too out of hand. It was awkward, cold, and stiff, but it still brought a smile to Orym’s face.
“Thanks, Letters,” he said as he pulled back.
“Is that everyone?” Imogen asked.
“Not quite,” Chetney grumbled. “Hey! Blue boy!” he kicked Dorian’s leg.
Orym wanted to protest—if Dorian had slept through everything this far, maybe he deserved to stay asleep. Besides, he’d put his friends through enough of an inconvenience tonight.
But it was too late. Dorian was already stirring under Chetney’s less-than-gentle attentions.
“Chet?” Dorian blinked, rubbing his eyes, staring at the rest of the group. They were probably a strange sight, gathered around the fire like this in the middle of the night. “What’s wrong?”
“Orym needs a hug.”
“No, that’s not…” Orym began, but Imogen was already pushing him toward Dorian. “I’m okay, this is all a little much.”
Dorian had sat up and was staring at him down, eyes narrowed. “Orym?”
Ears burning, mindful of everyone staring at them, Orym nodded. Dorian’s eyes widened, and he rolled up to his knees and pulled Orym close.
“You’re all right now,” he murmured, resting one hand on the back of Orym’s head. “It was just a dream.”
Orym closed his eyes, tucking his forehead against Dorian’s neck. He fought back against the memory of his dream, of looking for Will’s body only to find Dorian’s. “I’m okay,” he muttered. “Just a rough night.” He was acutely aware of everyone watching them and felt his face heating up in a blush.
“All right, people,” Ashton announced, clapping their hands. “Who’s got next watch? I’m fucking exhausted.”
That set the others to discussing watches and settling back down in their own bedrolls. Dorian didn’t let go, and when the camp finally quieted again, he tugged Orym down with him.
“You’re all right,” he repeated, tucking Orym’s head under his chin. “Get some rest. I’ll look after you.”
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