When people in long term relationships say it feels taken for granted, or they lose their spark, I guess I can understand where they’re coming from. But often I think about the many times early on I cried out of gratitude and confusion, that someone would consider me and genuinely care about me, because the concept felt so alien to me. Internalizing that and accepting that for granted is one of the most comforting things in the world

okay, i promised an explanation and i won’t go into too many details because honestly i’m still kind of a mess and there’s a lot we don’t know yet and everything but-- 2 weeks ago out of nowhere, in the middle of the night at 6am cops showed up at our home and raided our apartment and stuck around up until 2pm just making a mess of the whole place and taking photos and whatever, they broke the downstairs front door (which we now have to pay to replace off our own money), made an absolute mess of every room in the apartment, took every electronic device except our phones (and that’s only because i started crying about having all my healthcare info on an app and how i was going to lose all my appointments, and i think they felt bad for us?) and detained my father. they have barely given us information on what he’s accused of, they’re still nowhere near investigating those devices they took so they won’t give them back to us, and we have no freaking idea if or when my dad is coming back, because again, they’re not giving us a lot of information. on top of that my dad is pretty old, he's 65, he was supposed to have surgery this month because he can’t see very well from one eye (his workplace was paying for it) and he kinda can’t hear very well from one ear too, even though he refuses to accept it, and he’s been on anxiety medication for a while, so i’m kind of scared of what will happen to him without actual medical care or a nice place to sleep every night?? i don’t know. i truly don't.

now, this as you can imagine is traumatizing enough as it was, and it continues to be, but on top of that my dad was pretty much the only person with a stable job and a concistent income in this family, so now that he’s detained and we literally have no idea when he’ll come back, me and my mom got basically left in the dark. and even if he comes back, like, i don’t know, next week? i’m pretty sure he’ll get fired because he’s been missing work for 2 weeks now. i have some money that i saved from the stuff you guys send me, my mom has some money she makes, but it’s... obviously not enough, and this is a really stressful situation to be in, obviously, i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies tbh.

so... i don’t know. i can’t promise i’ll post anything new because i’m limited to mobile for god knows how long, that’s why i’ve been reposting stuff. and if you want to help, if you enjoy the blog, if you have anything to spare, that would really be helpful. i know this sounds insane what happened, and trust me it still doesn’t feel real sometimes?? like i’m going to wake up and it'll be a bad dream? i don’t know. as always, since i’m from latin america, anything helps. literally even the smallest amount of money helps. sorry this post is so long and so trauma dump-y, but i said i’d explain and i need help more than ever, this blog is basically the only semi-stable thing i have income wise. if anyone wants me to tag this with any trigger warning specifically, let me know, i wouldn’t know what to tag this myself.

anyway, i have my kofi account that i link in every post i make here: https://ko-fi.com/fashionrunways and my redbubble account: https://www.redbubble.com/people/dinah-lance/shop if you’d want to buy something instead. and as always thanks for loving this blog and for always helping us, i know it doesn't seem like it matters sometimes, but it does to me 💖

Ohhh the newest dad cove post the pregnant mc is so so good,,,,, rip though imagine just how clingy this makes him oh my god. (late riser mc) he’s constantly falling asleep on the couch next to you when it gets later, hand on your back or around your middle whether you’re showing yet or not because he can’t stand the idea of you needing something but not waking him up ‘cause he’s in bed(especially when you have bad “morning” sickness).

or something that absolutely makes my blood pressure absolutely skyrocket is strangers being touchy, (he’d obviously not be like? weird about it like if you want to let family or friends feel the baby kick; he’s honestly just nodding along with the biggest goofy-proud smile like “it’s the coolest thing ever right???”) but if random strangers are getting touchy or pushy because they seem to think pregnant people are free real estate? just this big ass man getting physically between the two of you and completely shutting them down without a word? 1000/10.

also rip mc but I myself am a Cove suprise twins truther and not gonna lie to anyone but unless you are well above average size? rip mc. late second trimester and on is just a mess because like the other post said? all fun and games having a giant husband until giant baby time. man is so conflicted(for a multitude of reasons tbh because if one baby almost being here wasn’t overwhelming enough? two?) because on the one hand there’s almost a twinge of guilt because you’re so sore and tired and sick of having to pee every five seconds, but also, not even a sexual(or maybe just a little) thing but some part of his brain is like you said just? that’s his baby- his babies, like it hits him so much that you are literally carrying his kids that you two made together and you trust him enough to be by your side and be your kids’ dad?? and sometimes he’s looking at you with big wet eyes and wobbly lips while you’re trying to hunt down the current craving and you panic that he’s crying, and when he explains… oh now you’re crying because of hormones being out of wack and he’s too sweet for this.

I LOVE YOU ANON. WE ARE THE SAME. literally sharing all my thoughts rn pls... i love the thought of my mc n cove having 1 kid (thru adoption) and their first pregnancy/baby being twins. just instantly throws them into the boiling pot of parenthood

n omg he's so fucking clingy after you get pregnant. if you're not a hugger, you are now. because he needs to be around you n touching you, he fucking loves you so much and just needs to touch n kiss n hold you

omfg, tries to feel the baby kick or anything like that before it's even possible. instantly starts talking to your baby before they're even supposed to be able to hear

if you're still sleeping, or napping, he'll cuddle up near your stomach and strokes the area, tracing hearts and stars and such, talking about how much he loves you. how great you are. tells funny stories from your shared childhood, tells your baby/babies about their future aunts n uncles n grandparents.

they're gonna be so loved.

n if you wake up in the middle of him doing this, try to stay still and listen because then he goes on about how much he loves the babe/s and how he's gonna take care of them, and you, and he'll protect n love them n he daydreams out loud about all the milestones, all the way up to their weddings which just makes him cry

you might even catch him rambling about how he'll make sure they never feel insecure, or like a burden, or anything like that, especially any feelings or thoughts he had from his childhood.

and yeahh, he'd be so overwhelmed and freaked out if your first pregnancy is TWINS!! he gets anxious. because now there's a double chance of failure. he's just so afraid for your future, and even if you're anxious and afraid too now with the news, he does calm down even if you don't comfort him.

bouncing your anxieties off each other, makes him realize you're both going towards a good path. if you're already worried about X, Y, and Z, then you know you're on the same page, and while parenthood is unpredictable.. your beliefs and wishes for your family are certain

takes a deep breath n just promises you it'll be okay. you'll figure it out. you can worry through parenthood together. and you'll figure it out together.

does call his dad and he talks to cove, helps him with his anxieties, etc.. it helps him relax when cliff says that, while cove was a very happy accident, at least he's prepared unlike he and kyra were. this was something you wanted, prepared for. that all the mental preparation, is the best it'll get and now you have to figure it out together, and that he, kyra, and your moms are here to help you figure it out.

n omg cove feeling bad about you being sore, tired, exhausted from the baby totally rearranging your guts and pressing against your bladder like a meat press.

always offers you massages, foot rubs. and helps you do any maintenance, like helping you shave or doing your names, put on lotion, etc. since your stomach is getting too big to work around

helps you put on your shoes if you need, too. he brings you all the snacks (ends up trying your cravings too. in fact, HE has cravings n now both of you are scrambling for the car and end up sitting in the parking lot eating whatever weird combo one of you thought of)

and you're so right about him finding you attractive when you're pregnant, not necessarily sexual like you said although it has undertones. in fact, since we're talking about it. it's kinda like they're satisfied they made their mark on you LOL

which in that case... cove probably doesn't even realize how.. happy. he is. that whenever you leave the house, people can easily see you have someone at home waiting for you. that you're taken.

literally read an article about men's thoughts on their pregnant wives, and they're so interesting (can't get over the guy saying ["my wife still doesn't believe i found her sexy during her pregnancy. i saw what a baby did to her and it just made me want to fill her with more."])

n their increased attraction all seems to come back to their wife carrying their baby, and their body getting bigger. not even just her boobs and butt, loves how her tummy gets bigger during the pregnancy, loves the stretches marks because it's a sign of the hard work she did carrying their baby

he just loves everything about you. loves your glow, your scent, your whole look.

also like i said before, pregnancy just kinda flipped a primal switch in cove's brain. happens to pretty much every man on the planet. loves when you ask him for help because you're too pregnant to do it. or if you call him "daddy", "papa" or something along those lines, just messing with him (same way guys will call you "mama"), he has to grip the counter n take a minute because omfg... he's a dad. he's your babies dad. even if you don't call him that, has to take a breather if you bring him up like that.

is so fucking ecstatic about you calling him your babies father that he will probably fall on the floor crying n throwing up like. he's insane.

ohhh and he'd just be at your beck and call the further along you get. imagine him with his arm wrapped around your waist or shoulder, just keeping you secure in his grip as you cross the road.

just becomes so much more protective. subtly of course, not overboard like growling n hissing but yknow he keeps you close, keeps an eye out.. etc.

oh and you're so right about him putting himself between you n touchy stranger number 8123901. even if you tell him it's okay, he still checks you out to see if you're uncomfortable.

but lets be real, i can't see many daring to get handsy and pushy with your over 6 foot, somewhere 'round 200lbs, husband next to you. that'd just be stupid.

so don't be afraid to just drag him to the store to be your shield LOL

still, even though he relaxes a bit as your pregnancy progresses and to strangers, he seems pretty relaxed and cool n all that. does go home with you and can't help but cry because you look so cute, and your family is increasing, n it's just all so much. he's a big baby still

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

LATE NIGHT CALLS

Jake “Hangman” Seresin. x Reader.

BASED ON THIS PROMPT:

Summary: Jake is on a TDY (temporary deployment) and he’s missing all the major holidays with you, but one things for certain, he makes sure to never miss a phone call to wish you a happy holiday, even if it’s 3 in the morning.

Y/N’s buzzing against the nightstand is what awoke you from your slumber. You yawned, reaching up to turn on the lamp and picked up you phone to see who was calling so late. It was Jake and it was 3 in the morning. Although, it’s late and you were tired, you would never miss a call from him. It was too important to you.

“Hello?”

“Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you’re in love and its beautiful!”

You giggled, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jake.”

It wasn’t quite Valentine’s where you were, but Jake was a day ahead. It didn’t matter though, he still took the time to call you and that is all that mattered at this moment.

“I know it’s early, or late? F*ck, baby, I can’t tell. This different time zone bullsh*t I, just ugh! But how’re you doing, sweetheart?”

“Oh, you know, the usual; overworked, underpaid and missing you.”

This deployment really took a toll on you this time. It was 2 months and he left right before Christmas. It was extremely hard not having him around, but you were thankful for Rooster and Phoenix, they didn’t get chosen for this deployment. They came over Christmas morning, and cooked and exchanged gifts and ended the night getting a little tipsy on spiked eggnog and listening to the worst Christmas music ever. Jake would have loved to see it.

“I miss you too, Y/N. We’re almost done though. I should be back, uh, fingers crossed, in about a week. Maybe less, maybe more. They can’t give me an exact date.”

“It won’t be soon enough.”

He sighed, resting his head on his pillow. “Never is.”

You hated that there was never an exact date. You hated it all, but it was his career and he loved it.

“Nope,” You bit down on the inside of my lip. “Are you taking care of yourself?”

“Obviously. You know me, utter perfection all the time.”

You rolled your eyes, Jake took care of himself but when he was alone, he would sometimes spiral out and get trashed, blackout. It was the one thing that you didn’t like about him, but he finally got some help for it – ultimately, leading him to have separation anxiety and just downright, anxiety.

You slipped out of bed, feeling the cold breeze hit your legs. California, although still very warm, got chilly in February. You made your way downstairs to make yourself some warm tea since you were pretty much full awake now.

“Yeah, I do know you. That’s why I’m asking.”

“I promise you; I’m taking care of myself baby,” he paused, pulling his medication from his drawer, “and you better be doing the same.”

Maybe that’s why you and him got along so well, you both had anxiety and had an irrational fear of being alone. It was a match made in heaven.

You turned on the facet and poured some water into your mug and placing it in the microwave to warm it up. You turned one your heels, leaning your back against the stove and pulling your phone up to your face. The light that was coming from your phone is what lit up your face in the midst of the darkness.

“Other than the usual, everything’s been normal here. Gets boring and quiet in the house sometimes, but you know how that goes.”

“Yeah. I am the life of the party.”

You laughed, the microwaving signaling you that it was done. You pulled the mug from the microwave and drop the tea bag in, letting it sit until it was finished steeping. You walked into the living room, sitting down on the couch.

“Nah, you’re just a pretty face.”

He laughed, “thank you. God, I really wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Me too,” You paused, “when you get back, whenever that may be, can we just, do nothing for a while?”

Jake furrowed his eyebrows together. “Do nothing?”

“You know, like just stay at home? Be lazy, lay in bed, cuddle?”

“That sounds nice, baby. It’s a date!”

He smiled and you could feel your heart skip. You smiled back. Sometimes, you don’t think you’ll ever get over that beautiful smile and his gorgeous green eyes with the way he keeps looking at you like that. You were so in love with him, it made people sick. You couldn’t wait to him him back in your arms.

“Mind if I hold you to it?”

“I’ll be there, don’t you worry.”

You smiled, pulling the blanket from the behind the couch and spreading it over your body. You took a sip from my tea, holding it closer to your body because it was chilly and you were cold. He laid there, looking at you with a big grin on his face.

“What?”

“I love you, so much.”

You smiled, a yawn escaping your mouth. You wiped your eyes, feeling the tiredness come over you again. I mean, it was 3 in the morning.

“I’ll let you get back to sleep, baby.”

“Okay.”

You laid your head in the couch arm, holding your phone in your hands as your shut your eyes, still listening to him.

“I love you, I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you too, Jake. See you soon.”

And the FaceTime ended and you smiled, feeling grateful that you get to talk to him. Some people don’t have they luxury. You set your phone on the table and you took one more sip of your tea, not bothering to move and finally drifting into a deep sleep right on the couch.

Hello!

(tw mentions of sh but nothing graphic)

I really dont know if this is the place for this, if so simply being able to write this out is probably helpful. I am in a romantic relationship with someone who self harms (were both 19). This was a thing i knew about before we got together, we were both going through a rough patch then and bonded a lot of beinf able to talk about our problems, i think back then i was so busy dealing with my own mountain of problems and thoughts of self inury (that i luckily never followed through on) that worry for someone else didnt even fit.

While all the resources I can find are really helpful im at a bit of a loss now, ive done everything right, i already had expierience with other friends and myself. They are in therapy and are on the path to healing, take good care of the wounds generally and we can openly comunicate about this and generally have been able to do so effectively.

These last few months however theres been more slip ups than before. I know progress is not linear, and its still much a work in progress (this has been an issue for 7 years, 1 year of recovery is obviously nothing). I am incredibly proud of the progress they have made, last year it was twice weekly trips to the ER, so even twice a month is huge already. also know they wont be able to quit or even signficantly reduce the self harm until they move out, since their family is unstable and does everything wrong (gets angry, threatens with ultimatums, generally extremely scared of their scars).

last few times with a slip up its made me freak out too, I have an anxiety disorder which this now triggers (i used to have a slightly better grip on this) I try to remain calm and helpful for their sake, but its mostly incredibly upsetting im not there to help them, and i know being there to talk helps but ive run out of material ways to help. It also feels like it proves my fear that something will always go wrong, which can lead me to have panic attacks. Ive talked about this with them of course and we get through it together, i really want to be better at keeping a slightly leverer head though. I used to have counceling too who helped me, but since i turned 18 and finished school im now on a waitinglist for adult help, and while talking to other friends helps somewhat its still generally makes me panic, sleep badly and sometimes have nightmares. I really love them, whenever were together we bring out the best in eachother and im afraid if i talk about this too much to people theyll tell me to break up with them.

we have plans to move in together for university next year, which im sure will help a lot (i know they wont magically heal then either, but ill be there as a more sturdy support and theyll be able to access ER, etc without being shamed) and ill have a therapist again then too, so its just these coming months that are going to be very rough. I just never know how to calm myself down, i know its not rational (they are hurt but never badly, they always talk to me about it, their psychologist will generally help too) i also know im allowed to feel sad and scared, i just want to be more in control.

back when i had a therapist she used to talk about trying to stay at my own feelings, not getting dragged down into someone else. But i just dont know how to do that, whenever it happens its just so sad and i hate it. No matter how much i remind myself even after ive allowed myself a period to be sad that itll be okay and they are relatively safe and i see them every week it feels so awful. Its not very tennable to ruin my whole night, next day on this every time. sorry this is sooo long but i feel the context is important as ive gone through a lot of advice, thank u tho.

Hey there,

Whilst I think that it is great that you have been able to help this person for such a long period of time, unfortunately it is not always sustainable no matter how much we would like it to be. This though doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try if you want to, I am just trying to point out that unless you look after yourself too and put a bit of a barrier between you and this person then it is likely that things may not change or improve for YOU.

I know how great it can feel when we help another and especially when we see such big improvements for the person we are trying to help and support, but the end line is that we can only do so much until we ourself begin to crumble or struggle a bit (which it sounds like you are to some degree) and so I am wondering if you can put some space between this person and you at all to focus on yourself a bit more and self-care may be of some benefit to you.

In regards to this person, any day of no self-harm is an amazing achievement and no amount of set backs or slip ups/ relapses can take these achievements away from them. It’s important to know that that recovery comes from within and so unless this person chooses to and is ready to focus on their recovery then it is unlikely that things will change for them and they will still be in survival mode. This is in no way your fault, and nor is there much you can do about it as we cannot choose recovery for another person, it has to be when they are ready and choose to try to commit. And even then, it’s quite normal to go back to survival mode and go back and forth between recovery and not, this does not mean they are not still trying, but rather they are just human like everyone of us are. I remember in my own recovery away from self-harm I did go in and out of trying to not self-harm depending on how strong I felt on the day and what triggers may have come up that made me want to self-harm, this didn’t mean I wasn’t trying or that, it was just that I was really struggling and the urges to self-harm were too strong to try and fight them.

So, what can you do?

To begin with try to be patient with yourself and this person and know that even when they seem to not be trying, they actually are. Try to put some space in between you and this person to enable you to look after yourself too. You can do this by practising good self-care (trying to eat healthy, doing some exercise a few times a week and trying to get a good nights sleep) and tyring to have some ‘down time’ where you can simply just think about yourself and do some things that you enjoy doing whatever that may be. I know that you may feel selfish and bad for taking some time out for yourself, but if you don’t look after yourself then it won’t be sustainable to help support others and be there for them if you choose to do so.

In regards to how it can make you feel when this person does self-harm or is struggling quite a bit, as your therapist mentioned to you, try to take a step back and allow yourself some time to grieve or feel sad and try to be kind to yourself – I know how it can feel like a loss to you as well when someone is struggling and self-harms as a result, but in reality it has nothing to do with you and how much or how little you are there for the, it is bound to happen anyway and this in no way reflects on you and how good a job you may be doing to support them through difficult times and days.

I know that you mentioned that it can cause great anxiety when they do self-harm now, and so when this happens, again, try to be kind to yourself and do try to take some time out for you. And I know, this is much easier said than done, but it will get easier though with practice and it may also be helpful to check out our page on calming anxiety and panic as well for some more ideas on different coping strategies.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

What are your plushie preferences? Brand, size, etc?

omg this is the best ask ever hold on

i’m adding the “read more” cut thing bc this is gonna be a lot of talking!!!

basically i don’t have a preference when it comes to brands. any brand is fine with me!

for size i prefer stuffed animals that are big enough to hug, but not too big! so like medium size i guess. maybe like 12in max??? i also like small ones that can fit in your hands easily! most of my medium sized plush are on my bed, and sadly i’ve run out of room for more :( i still can fit some more small ones on my shelf tho!

i’m kinda picky about fur texture. i have sensory issues! if the plush is a bad texture i will not get it, even if it’s cute! i like soft plushies the best, because they are nice to hold and pet. it’s okay if the plush isn’t super soft tho! i just can’t stand certain textures… they freak me out. i can’t really explain it. :/

now for poses… i like standing poses best for dogs and sitting poses best for frogs! those ones just look the best in my opinion :) sometimes laying down poses can look good for both of them too! i’m not a huge fan of sitting dogs though. they’re cute, but can be harder to hug!

one thing i’m also picky about is how stiff the plush is. i like mine to be soft and somewhat squishy! i do not like when they are firm, hard, etc! this is because you can’t really hug a plush well if it’s hard :( but i also don’t want to plush too be super floppy! i like a good middle ground i guess. mostly soft/squishy, but still firm enough so it can keep its shape!

and obviously my preference for species is dogs and frogs! lately i’ve been more interested in dogs compared to frogs. it started i think in march/april ???? i began taking a new medicine called Buspar, and suddenly i needed to collect stuffed dogs. and suddenly i like stuffed dogs more than stuffed frogs. i have no clue why the medicine did this to me????? the medicine has helped me an insane amount tho so it’s okay! literally before i started this medicine my anxiety was so bad i could barely go into public, and i couldn’t talk to any strangers, and i would have panic attacks at stores and stuff. but with the help of the medicine, i was able to finally get a job! and i can go in public easier, and i even talk to strangers! i rarely have panic attacks related to social situations anymore too! i’m super proud of myself btw, bc my doctor said i’d probably never be able to get a job. but i proved her wrong!!! ok this got a little off topic sorry……

anyway hmm… other preferences…. oh! i prefer to buy secondhand plush. this is mostly because they’re cheaper, but also it feels like i am saving them! because i know at the thrift store, anything that doesn’t get bought gets thrown away. so i am saving these little fellas and giving them a new home :)

i also prefer more realistic colored designs for the most part! however there are some exceptions. sometimes colorful plushies can be cute! it just really depends on how bright the colors are i think.

tldr i’m not super picky unless it comes to fur texture or how firm the plush is.

may 27, 23

my birthday is less than a month away. i started this blog when i was sixteen going on seventeen, and now i am turning twenty. it's weird how fast time passes, or at least how fast i think it does. in my last posts, i've probably mentioned being anxious about leaving my teenage years behind. i still am, of course, but as i'm nearing the end of nineteen, i do feel like i am ready for my twenties. at least partly. it feels weird to type out (and say aloud). twenty. i'm going to be twenty. it's just another reminder that nothing lasts forever. that felt cringeworthy to type, but i decided to anyway.

as always, i've been thinking about the past. specifically my freshman year of high school. i don't know why but it's always a time i look back on and feel a pit in my stomach. it's hard to explain, but the person i was at fourteen is someone i've locked away forever. i've never felt how i felt at fourteen ever again in my life, if that makes any sense. it was like my brain was wired differently. which, well, obviously. but even at thirteen, fifteen, sixteen... the way i was and the way i thought at those times in my life was not the same as when i was fourteen. i know it sounds stupid, but it was just a year of my life i cannot believe happened. looking back, it was like someone else was controlling my body while the real me watched. but maybe that was the real me, and now the only remnants left of her are old photos, videos, and memories in my head. a part of me that won't be reopened.

it was as if, at the time, i acted older than i was, but at the same time i was a typical fourteen year old. or trying to be. the pit in my stomach i get thinking about it is a mix of nostalgia and sadness. i can't believe that was me. and the funny thing is, some of that year i can't even remember. there are parts that are seemingly blocked out of my memory. sometimes i wish i could go back just to remember what it was like. but then i internally smack myself because that's stupid. that was one of the worst years of my life. why would i want to go back? i can't answer that question.

perhaps it was still the childlike wonder, but there is a part of me that feels as if fourteen year old me was so much more creative than i am now. i wrote so freely, about anything and everything. it was like i didn't care about being cringe, i just wrote and wrote and wrote. and most of it wasn't even bad. yes, a bit cringe, of course, that's to be expected. but it wasn't written badly. that's something which makes me sad. i don't think i'll ever be able to write like that ever again in my life. maybe i'm forgetting, but i didn't used to be so much of a control freak who wanted everything to be perfect (at least in some aspects of my life). i just lived. i hated myself, as i always have, but for some reason there was an unknown confidence within me that has not shown her face since.

i know this sounds dumb, me saying stuff like "my brain was wired differently when i was fourteen." it was. everyone's was. but i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was just so different, and have not been that way since. after june of my freshman year, everything seemed to change drastically. my mind, my thoughts, how i behaved.

the only answer i have to why is that i switched medications. the medication i was on did not work well with me, but there are parts of it i miss. not the weight gain, or the suicidal ideation. rather, the absence of a lot of my anxiety. the freedom to do and be who i wanted. wear what i wanted. it was like, after i got taken off those meds, i turned into a shell of a person. i was never the same. i'd never want to go through what i went through again, but i miss the positives. i guess that's what i've realized after all these years.

in old diaries, i would write about life. i would write stories. i wouldn't reminisce like i do now.

i know this sounds like i peaked in high school, but trust me, i didn't. i suppose i just am mourning my childhood and teenage years. i've never related to the following mitski lyric: "i was so young when i behaved 25, yet now i find i've grown into a tall child." i wish i could have been a normal child. a normal teenage girl. and now that i am entering my twenties, i have to really be an adult now. that's it. my teenage years are over. i don't miss them; rather, i wish things had been differently. i want to go back in time and be different.

i feel things entirely too deeply, and think about people years later that never think about me. friends i've had who i know don't reminisce about our experiences together (but i do).

i want to discover again, i want to learn. i want that childlike wonder back. but of course that is impossible. for the small amount of time i was able to have it, it was gone just as quick.

listening to certain songs, i can almost smell and feel what it was like when i was fourteen. being in my childhood bedroom over the summer puts me back in the same headspace. how everything has changed, yet my room has stayed the same. i wonder how different things would have been if i'd never been taken off that medication. if my one friend hadn't moved. if i never stopped dyeing my hair. i wonder, i wonder, i wonder, but i'll never know. it's probably a good thing i don't.

another typical post of me thinking about the past. again. it's so typical and boring. that's why i wish i could write like i used to. without a care in the world. i was so sad and it showed through my writing. descriptive, tragic, and somehow beautiful. i'm romanticizing it, yes, but it's not hurting anyone but myself to do so.

fourteen was a very bad year for me. hardly anything good came out of it. but part of me, weirdly enough, wants to feel what it was like again. the positives, of course. and maybe some of the negatives too. i sound crazy, but i just want the small of childlike wonder i had back. it was hardly there, but it was still there. i had it in my hands for a very small moment in time.

i don't know why i'm like this. it's hard to explain. overall, i suppose i just wish things had been different. i won't have my teenage years back. i'm turning twenty. off to new beginnings, i suppose. but it's all going to be so different. maybe that's a good thing, though. it's probably what i need. to move on, and leave my old self in the past. it's hard, though. i can't help but mourn what i never had.

oh yeah baby kam's peter post made me want to share some of my own thoughts abt him (but also i didn't wanna tack em on in a reblog bc my thoughts r very related to Personal Stuff About Me and i didn't want to make their post my storytime i guess haha)

cw for mentions of sexual harassment/assault under the cut, as well as discussion of germophobia and ocd! also uh maybe some peter hate so if u don't wanna read that don't open the post! and have a nice day ^_^

so like i'm definitely not the type of person to say that nobody should ever like characters who do bad things, or that unhealthy relationships should Never be portrayed in art. so if you like peter or his dynamic with alice, please don't take this as me saying you shouldn't do that.

but like i've been into this series since i was about twelve or maybe even eleven? (long hours largely unsupervised with my best friend at the local library waiting for my mom to finish work) and while i definitely didn't understand healthy relationship dynamics all that much, i still took issue with peter forcing a kiss on alice from the get-go. i'll be honest, that along with his attitude towards her made me hate him right off the bat. these days i definitely think he has interesting and/or comedic potential in some situations, but that particular side of him still freaks me out. obviously. he was my least favorite of alice's potential interests (besides the twins).

BUT something kam brought up in their post kind of clicked with me.

around middle school, i started developing symptoms of ocd (i think triggered by a lot of stressful life events happening in quick and intense succession on top of the usual chaos of middle school). eventually it got on to be actual ocd, which i still deal with to this day. and my biggest trigger has been germs/uncleanliness. i didn't used to have this obsession with contamination, so i'm pretty sure i didn't have it when i first got into nkna. but as time went on i saw more and more of myself in that aspect of peter.

i really didn't want to, since i disliked him so much (not to mention how often ocd or similar traits are either played for jokes in most media or given to eccentric villain types to make them seem more Weird™). but over time it got harder to ignore.

kam brings up that bc of his germophobia, peter doesn't really have much experience in the way of romantic/sexual interactions. and it made me think of myself.

because aside from my tendency to not be able to interact with others all that well, my cleanliness ocd is a big stumbling block in the way of physical intimacy, of ANY kind, but especially romantic/sexual since that tends to be more... involved. and there's the screenshot of peter telling alice smth about how he doesn't mind Her Germs specifically, which is probably something i've said almost word for word to my own partner. they were my first for a lot of things, both because of my anxiety but also because of the germ thing. (side note i love them very much they're so cool and good about My Tendencies lol) and it can be really weird to be in a relationship with someone who has a lot more experience than you sometimes, because it can be easy to worry that you're somehow letting them down (not that i get the sense alice gets out all that much either, but still). but i also know the overwhelming joy and relief that comes with finding someone whose germs you don't mind.

AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY haha because i still don't really like peter! i think it's funny to bully him but also sometimes he does genuinely anger me. and it's been an odd experience to feel myself become more like him in this very specific way over the years, to relate to some of his fears and such. not to mention, i don't remember his germophobia being played as a joke all that much?

i mean there probably are moments where it is, i wouldn't be surprised, but comparing the way he's treated as opposed to, say, death the kid from soul eater... it feels different. [i could make a whole other post about my feelings on kid but i digress]

he's just a character that i personally have a lot of really complex feelings about, because on the one hand he can be a total scumbag who i hate, but on the other hand he seems to encapsulate certain struggles i've dealt with that i don't see illustrated in media very often. he's really important to me but also i want to kick the shit out of him ^_^

anyway. i don't think i really had A Point to all of this, just wanted to jot down some of my own ideas on him ig

Life is Fleeting

Obviously. This is not a new or even profound statement. Everyone knows life is short. But what about the things IN our lives? Those are fleeting too.

Sometimes I think about how I tell my wife I love her maybe 5-10 times a day. I don’t know if that’s often or not, but the words themselves are fleeting no matter how often I say them. I truly mean it with every ounce of me, but if I’m not also doing something to make her feel that this is true, the words are just a breath swept away by a breeze. And she deserves so much more.

Anxiety is also fleeting (though in my life it comes round and round again like a boomerang I just can’t drop). It’s that feeling, like a giant hand has wrapped around my chest and is squeezing me until I’m completely crushed. But that feeling is also fleeting. I have to remind myself of this often.

Last summer I was working as a nurse in a COVID/Med Surg unit of a large hospital. I had been doing this for almost a year and when I tell you I had anxiety because of it, it’s a massive understatement. It was war. It was hell. It was all encompassing and all consuming and there was no escape. I came home and it was on the news. I went to get groceries and people were sneering at me in my scrubs or talking about how stupid it was that they had to wear masks in Walmart. And I wanted to say, come do my job for one day and you’ll shut up.

Now I have a job I love. I get to work from home sometimes. I have autonomy. I get to make my own schedule. I absolutely love teaching. My coworkers are so wonderful that I also consider them friends.

I have a beautiful home with a glorious backyard that feels like a tiny paradise.

I have the most incredible wife. She is my rock. The singular piece of my life that keeps me going no matter what. She somehow looks at me when I’m falling apart (often for no reason) and doesn’t see someone broken. She just opens her arms to me and suddenly, all is right with the world again.

It’s easy to look at all these things and say, how on earth could you still have anxiety? Your life is so good! And that’s not an untrue statement. My life IS so good. But anxiety is a strange little monster. Sometimes it pops up for no reason at all. Sometimes it’s for good reason. But there’s something in it that I don’t think I’ve fully appreciated until recently.

It makes me a freaking badass.

You know why? Because I stare it in the face and tell it NO. Because every day I try to rewire my brain to think a different way. If I don’t, I’ll “what if” myself into oblivion. But what tomorrow brings really isn’t my concern today. Today only happens once in a lifetime. This moment is one I’ll never get back. And I’m not going to spend it being afraid of something that may never happen. Why make myself experience something that might never be? Or if it is to be, I’m just causing myself to endure it twice. No. I refuse.

Bravery isn’t the lack of fear. It’s forging on in the face of fear. That’s what facing anxiety is - brave.

So if you have anxiety and it hits you for some specific reason, or for no reason at all, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for being here despite it. I’m proud of you for getting out of bed and saying “this won’t bring me down today”. And for living today FOR TODAY.

Don’t think about tomorrow. Don’t think about the next hour. Think about now. Breathe in. Breathe out. You’re here. The things you’ve overcome to get to this moment, you made it through all of them. And you will make it through anything else that comes your way.

Throw that giant hand of your chest.

That feeling is fleeting.

Today is beautiful.

And so are you.

goddd oh my god chat im just so. UGH. goodness. seeing his messages as soon as i woke up just made me so. IN LOVE. i fall in love with you more each day im being so genuine every once in a while i just. tweak about you randomly. like FALLING TO MY KNEES KIND OF TWEAK. i do feel a little empty rn because im remembering the play is over and i wontbe able to see you like this and im always doomed at home but god… GODDD. its okay. i just. love you. so. MUCH. yesterday was sooo nice. i feelsorta bad especially at the frozen yogurt place just cuz i went a bit nonverbal but more of thag just comes down to me beint more introverted around people idk very well and also cuz i didnt know what to say. aside drom that i was also jhst like ., dead tired. and i couldnt really get myself to really PRETEND to be full of energy . ijst wanted to lay my head on your shoulder. hold your hand. just exist. with you. i feel so like bittersweet right now but im trying to focus on positives so i dont freak out too much. its sunday.. and surprisingly i want it to be monday so i can see you .

i justtt. GODDD. yoy are so cute and goddd i loved thag lipstick sorry. like. that gave me a real excuse to just kiss you everywhere and i knew it was the right time (obviously. but im still cautious often.) its just sooo. . i LOVEEE YOUUUU. your face. you r so gorgeous to me. every inch of you i loveeee i donttCAREEANTNOREEEE. i kept tweaking a little during every show mostly cuz i kept passing byspmeone who. smells exactly like jd. and im realizing w that snell and how i felt smelling it again jdut how in love i am with you. like i said smell is like some weird cognitive thing i have where i can tell how i feel ab someone depending on how i react. smelling jds smell again felt so. disgusting. it invoked that fear in me again. that anxiety i always felt around her knowing she was lying and how i was always jjst worried all the time and she was just. not there. the fear i felt knowing i had to provide everything or else she’d be evil. or something. just that anxiety i felt ALWAYS. i realize it too smelling ayden. his smell makes me sick. sav stole his fucking perfume thjnf and she sprays it on herself sometimes and it makes me so. disgusted. his smell is disgusting to me. jds smell is disgusting to me. but then im sitting here with this hoodje again smelling it and i jusr . idk. i feel better. its like laced with memories everytime i smell it i just remember you. how lovely you r and it just makes me feel so. happy.

alonf wirh that just the things i do with you. the things you do with me its just . you make me feel better. truth be told i dont like when people touch my back pr my waist gery much because of just . feneral association and i never told jd that her doing it too made me ill. it didnt for a WHILE but after everything that happened with the note i felt so. disgustinf all the time with her. you. you however. you r replacing those horrible memories i have with her. that thing you do wirh your thumb when you hold my hand. thats something id do. something jd would do to indicate to each other when we werent feeling good because she struggled to communicate it wirh me and i felt like a burden doing so. id always get to anxious when she’d do it and feeling you do it i got nervous again but . no its so. comforting. like how its supposed to be. when you ask me if im okay. its so. ? so bare minimum and so sinple but i cant explain how much better it makes me feel even if im not eebn tweakint. and ive never TRULY been tweaking when u ask it just makes me feel like. i can be honest with you. you wont lash me for hurting. for feeling things like jd did. you wouldnt condemn me and make me feel like i was burdening you for just. existing. with you. and i jsut want to exist with you. i want to be with you even if you are hurting because thats still you and i want to believe wholeheartedly you’d do the same with me because thats how i feel. i feel like j can and god. i hope thats true.

i just feel so much better around you. genuinely. i feel like i dont have to pretend to be someone else . pretend to be happy pretend to be okay. have to force myself to talk pr force myself to do anything around you. i know i tweak ab holding ur hand and kissing you but thats more of me just being cautious and also that it makes me so nervous., but. a good kind of nervous. i always feel nervous around you. its that weird anticipation feeling but its never anything negative. havinf been by myself this past year and being with you (not actually but goddd. i wish.) now makes me realize jist how genuinely unhappy i was with jd. how much i hurt with her. but also just how much we were truly hurting each other even if she didnt mean it and i didnt mean to either . just. i spent so much time thinking about it and let alone just the fact i didnt have panic attacks antmore aftee we broke up make it so so. clear to me. and now with you im realizinf maybe im not. broken. maybe ive just lived with so much fear for so so long .? every relationship ive ever had has left me. hurting more than i was before. broke me a little more everytime. but ive always given it my all. and this time? i want to give you more than just my all. jts so weird. you just make me realize that how i feel with you is how i shouldve felt all along. to feel whole with you and nothing else. to just be and not feel burdening. you emphasize it so heavily to me and i just wish wish WISH. i could do it for you. hell even now when it comes to my hashtag best (toxic) empath ways you make me realize i dont have to be that way. hell, every single one of my relationships enabled that in me. you tell me i dont have to worry about you. make it cleae to me its not my problem and it comforta me a bit and of course, its nlt gonna completely go away but it makes me feel less. overwhelmed. with everyone else i had to take care of them. it was my obligation. they needed me to. with you i just. truly want to but im leveling myself out to a plane where i know i can handle it and also take care of myself. you make me want to take care of myself .

god forbid i start rambling ab something else but. back to that froyo place.? i truly was still not hungry and was feeling a little ill but i kind of knew cognitively that it was me not eating and making me feel a little more ill. its just with jd she sort of. enabled me. not really enabling but i felt so. judged with her.? especially in terms of eating because she’d bring up her ed all the time and of course, console in me, but it made me feel. so gross. ab eating. felt like i cpuldnt cuz she couldnt and it was that weird competitive feelinf id get again. with you im noticing im doing it slightly but thats also mainly out of my control and i worry ab you not eating but ik you cant exactly control it either. in a wonderful silly less cringy universe id ask you to eat with me. so i wouldnt feel fhat way and i coulf feel a little more comforted but of course thats evil on both of us. when it comes down to me its just like ., of course im not rly trying to restrict i just. find myself doing it. and as horrible as it sounds i might just always be that way but those times i do eat with you i dont feel? ashamed? i feel like i can eat without feeling disgustinf and judged and evil and god i want to eaat. seriously. im just still working on it. and you make me feel better ab it. even if we havent done alot in regards to eating like that i just notice how i feel ab it and irs nothing negative and that. means sososo much to me.

Like, obviously I have horrible anxiety and cptsd, but sometimes I get so convinced that I'm "broken" or "delusional" that I attribute some stuff to anxiety that are just, normal? I'm so used to distrusting my emotions after years of abuse that I think everything is mental illness. Like, the other day I was driving home from work and it was raining really really hard, so hard that my windshield wipers even on their highest setting couldn't keep up with it and I had trouble seeing what was in front of me and I could feel tires losing traction. And I started saying to myself "you're ok, don't freak out, you're OK, you're safe, calm down" like I would when I have huge anxiety over something that is relatively small (and that does happen quite frequently, I'm not denying that). But like, while it was ultimately fine and I made it home okay, it might not have been. I was actually in potential danger of crashing my car. I wasn't "safe" like I was telling myself I was. And I wasn't absolutely losing my shit to the point that I wasn't focusing on my driving like I needed to be doing, I handled it pretty well. I was just... scared. But anytime I feel worry or fear or nervousness I go "this is your mental illness talking" even when that's not true. I go back and forth between "everything is due to my mental illness" and "every emotion I have is valid and real and any argument against that is gaslighting myself" and obviously the truth is somewhere in the middle and it just depends. I've recently gotten a lot better at gently telling myself "hey, this is your illness talking, you don't always feel like this" in moments where it's applicable and trusting myself more that I'm not going to dismiss my feelings for no reason. It's like after years of abuse and having someone else be an authority on what was happening in my own brain, I finally feel like I'm on my own side, if that makes sense? But it's also good to know that I'm able to still push back on that when I feel I need to and there's no hard feelings between myself, ya know? Like for the driving in the rain thing I'm able to say "look, I get why you were trying to get me to calm down because the emotion was pretty intense, I still trust you and will listen to you when you say that the reason I'm feeling a certain way is because of mental illness, but that was not the case here and I need you to listen better next time." It is so hard when you've suffered from abuse to actually start listening to your own feelings while understanding that you have mentall illness that makes you think irrationally (caused by said abuse) and to learn how to walk that line. It's a struggle but I'm getting better at it.

(This is a story/ramble about my late guinea pig’s mushroom farm bc my brain is being loud about it and I need to go to bed. I figured releasing this information onto the internet might get my brain to shut up about it. Please do not feel obligated to read it. It is long. But also hi internet my guinea pig had a mushroom farm on accident.)

So there were these mushrooms that grew consistently (annoyingly) in my guinea pig’s pen nearly every month for 2 years, from 2016 to 2018. We think some spores came in with his botanical hay at some point, but who really knows. Every time they would show up (literally overnight—I would say goodnight to a shroomless pig and then come back in the morning to caps 6-7" off the bedding like a little guinea pig-sized bamboo forest) I would panic text my mom that the demon shrooms had respawned (a few times with a grainy picture of said shrooms from a ways away as visual aid) and she would help me deep clean the pen, and we would leave reassured that this time we had definitely done a good enough job so they totally wouldn’t be back. They came back. Every. Time.

The reason my mom’s help was necessary was because I had very poorly-managed anxiety and a fear of fungus, so obviously I wasn’t going to be coming into contact with the mushrooms myself, and needed her to shuffle the actual mushrooms into a garbage bag so that I could get on with the rest of the cleaning. I was always curious what they were, of course, but not curious enough to overcome a whole phobia or anything, so I didn’t do more than a really cursory google to try and identify them, and I certainly didn’t examine them closer.

But now that I’m older and on better anxiety medication (still weirdly freaked out by fungus, but to a more “reasonable” degree) I’m constantly wishing I’d figured out what they were, and sometimes (usually coincidentally when I have lots of other stress in my life and my brain is probably looking for something inconsequential to focus on) I get, like, really obsessed with trying to figure out what they were. But because I don’t have a good angle from the couple of shitty pictures still on my camera roll and I never touched them to find out more about their texture or “spore print” or whatever, I can’t ever get any further in identifying them than “probably some kind of ink cap maybe”.

The curiosity just eats me alive sometimes. It literally doesn’t matter, the answer effects my life not at all. But it EATS. I want to know so bad. Like I am still actively freaked out by mushrooms but I spent several hours last night looking at pictures of them and reading about how each species behaves because I can’t let go of the demon shrooms.

Yeah so anyways I’m doing it again and this is absolutely not helping me prepare for the start of classes next week.

(I feel like I should clarify that the guinea pig did not care. The mushrooms didn’t bother him, he never tried to eat them, if anything he seemed amused by the magically-appearing stalks when he ran through them in the morning. No piggies were harmed by the mushroom farm. Although we did throw out all of his things when he died instead of donating them because we didn’t want to risk passing the spores on to a rescue since we were clearly dogshit at getting rid of them.)

Everything sort of makes sense now. I stumbled across some new information by accident that I wish I would have known before. I just got on facebook for the first time in a while to see if I had any notifications and got sent down the rabbit hole. I am not going to get back on there again for a long time because something bad happens every time I do. I'm not trying to be creepy and sometimes things just pop up. I guess the universe has a way of presenting information to me when I'm ready to receive it. Sometimes I just have to find things out the hard way.

Obviously I still don't know the whole story so I'm not going to jump to conclusions right now. I wish I knew what was going on but I'm not going to freak out about it anymore. I'm not going to be angry about anything. I'm not trying to attack you or make you feel bad. I hope this doesn't upset you and I don't want to embarrass you. I don't want to be rude. I am hurting a lot but I will be ok. I suppose it's none of my business otherwise you would have told me yourself. I respect your privacy and I understand now why you have been so secretive. I know that you have been through a lot of trauma and I don't want to add to that. I don't want you to feel like you have to share anything with me unless you feel comfortable doing so.

I'm actually very calm right now surprisingly. I'm very thankful that I took my anxiety meds earlier. I do feel kind of dumb for getting so worked up about things in the past. I feel really bad. I have made a fool of myself the past couple years but at least it has helped me grow a lot as a person. I have learned a lot about myself that I probably wouldn't have figured out otherwise. I realize that I have had a lot of issues that you weren't prepared to help me with and I don't expect you to do anything for me. I'm sure you have a lot going on too. I understand that you need to be there for your son and take care of him because that's very important. I can tell that you are a good dad.

This whole situation has been very confusing for me and I've felt like I've been kept in the dark for so long but I get it. I don't feel so crazy now and that's a relief. I knew that you were trying to avoid scaring me away or hurting me. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to leave you alone. I'm still here if you ever want to talk about stuff someday.

Thank you for listening to me all this time when no one else did. I still appreciate you and everything you have done for me. I wouldn't have made it though a lot of tough times without your support. I don't know if I would still be here if I hadn't met you. Thank you for being so respectful and patient with me because I know I can be difficult sometimes. I know that you are a good person and you have been so sweet to me. I think you are still very special to me and I will always care about you. You are still my favorite person. I still trust you and feel safe with you. I'm still glad the universe let me meet you. I really hope that you are doing ok and I truly want you to be happy no matter what happens. I worry about you all the time and wish I could be there for you. I miss you. I'm always thinking of you.

I think I need a couple days to process things so I might not be on here as much. I will be more active once I'm feeling better. I want to reiterate that I am fine and I'm not going to have an episode. I want to apologize again for acting so crazy in the past. I'm not sure if I'm going to sleep much tonight either so I will probably be too tired to post much. My medication is starting to make me feel loopy so I should probably be quiet now since I'm starting to have a difficult time thinking clearly. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day but I'm going to stay positive anyway. I know that things will get better in the future. I hope that you have a good day tomorrow and enjoy the rest of your week.

Maxwell, I love you unconditionally.

💖💖💖💖💖💖

things aren’t great at the moment.

i think im done with connor. it’s just too much. it’s one thing dealing with my new discoveries about my sexuality, but i also just don’t think he’s good for me. hes fucking scary when he’s drunk and i just think that’s where i draw the line. if i think he’s gonna hurt someone, or me, then i can’t respect myself and give myself to him at the same time. not only this, but he’s mean. he tells us to shut up for no reason or he screams at people and it makes me so anxious. and i can’t be with someone who constantly has me in fight or flight. it’s just not good for my (already extreme) anxiety. im just too fragile for all of it and i need someone who’s gentle enough to deal with that.

not only this, but im not even sure i was attracted to him in the first place. i think i was just attracted to the fact that he was attracted to me. and that isn’t healthy. i hate to

make a comparison to spencer, but when i liked him and he would hold me or make moves on me i wouldn’t feel embarrassed or anxious. but when connor does, i do. i just want to be loved so much but i respect myself too much to be loved by someone who won’t love me right.

he also just seems to have no regard for himself or his future. and if he can’t care for himself, how is he supposed to care about another person? i think he needs to heal before he starts something again or he’s just going to have another toxic relationship.

and i hate how much anxiety this is causing me. because i don’t want to hurt anyone but it’s invevitable at this point. and it makes me feel like shit because i don’t want him to think i was stringing him along while i was just trying to figure out my feelings. and i also don’t want it to affect the dynamic of the group or make things awkward for anyone else. i just wish the group would’ve thought about it before they pushed us together and i wish i would’ve thought about it before i pursued it. but i was also younger back then. i feel like i’ve done so much self reflecting the past year. i don’t know.

im just scared to talk to him about it. im so fucking afraid. because i know he’ll get mad but im not sure how he’ll react. i like to think he’d never get violent with me but i truly have no idea. i hate how scared i am of him and i hate how long ot took me to differentiate between being nervous in a sweet way to see him versus being straight up afraid of him.

i think i might just have to come clean. and tell him (in expectation that he won’t share this info because it’s quite literally my childhood trauma) i grew up in an environment where there was constant yelling and things did sometimes get physical so violence and loudness just bothers me to an extent where it has a negative affect on not only my body but also my mind. and it kind of makes me scared of him because my past has taught me to be scared of things like that. and if we want to continue this relationship i think we both need to work on ourselves first if we want to be with each other. because i obviously need to work on dealing with my childhood but he also needs to work on dealing with his anger and his alcohol issues. and i need to protect myself from the stress i feel when im around him because i never know if he’s gonna be sweet or mean. and i know that he’s genuinely a good guy and that he has good intentions but im just not able to deal with this. and i’d still love for him to hang with our friend group because i know they’re his friends too but maybe we just have to keep our distance. and if he doesn’t want to change for me, i won’t force him to but if he doesn’t change then i will no longer pursue what we have. id love to stay friends if he wants to but i can’t deal with this.

im just scared. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone but he’s hurt me and i don’t even think he knows it. i hardly even know a version of him that isn’t drunk. it freaks me out.

i feel like im talking in circles. totally my bad.

i think im gonna go over what im gonna say with bella first. maybe the high schoolers as well. i just know the girls will understand and i appreciate them so much.

i just know it’s not fair to me or to him to keep stringing this along if im not 100%. especially after he just found out i like him. i feel like im doing what was done to me last summer and i feel so fuckinh guilty about it. i hate knowing that i might hurt someone. i know he’ll pretend that it rolls right off his back but it’ll hurt him. and i hate that im the cause of it. but it has to be done. maybe i don’t mean as much to him as he does to me. maybe he hasn’t been thinking about this constantly like i have. maybe he’s just not there.

anyways. hoping that i have the opportunity to talk to bella more about this soon. and i hate to do this, but spencer may be able to offer some advice as well. im not sure if we’ll ask him or not because i know he’ll always take connors side i think and try to play wingman. idk. we’ll see. im going to bella first.

as for the other parts of my life, things aren’t awful. they’re just a lot. everything is stressing me out to no end and i wish i could sleep for a full week and not have to talk to anyone or show up for anyone or anything. part of me wants to get really sick for a second so i can just chill. maybe flu or something. idk.

this is also gonna sound so privileged, but the thing that kept me going at work last summer was that i got to spend my money on things that are important to me but lately all i’ve been spending on is stuff for my sisters wedding of others birthdays and it makes me lose all motivation. i haven’t bought anything but food for myself with these paychecks so far. it fucking sucks. but it is what it is i guess.

im also getting increasingly anxious about mom. she never feels okay and i feel awful about it. i wish i could do more to help but all we can do right now is wait.

im also thinking about dropping out of my dorm and deciding to commute. i just don’t love my roommates and i don’t want a repeat of last year. it would also save a lot of money, which we need right now for moms surgeries.

but yeah. that’s pretty much all. i wish i had more good stuff to say but my heart is just full of anxiety and sorrow lately. idk. things aren’t great. i wish they were better. hopefully they will be soon because i don’t know how much longer i can deal with it.