#nobody talk to me abt this weeks episodes i did not like them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

seerofmike · 3 years

Text

The Writing In Apex Kinda Sucks And Also They Use Ship Bait As A Plot Device I Hate It Here

a stupid essay/rant encouraged by @zombiegloss that originally started as a youtube video script so if its like. weird at points. this was intended to be a verbal rant SNZISKSIA

basically i'm gonna talk abt the caustic-wattson-crypto relationship drama and how i think it was mishandled and how much the writers kind of Suck because i Can

you are free to disagree with me on any of my points and think that this aspect of the story was handled well, this is just my opinion, and i'd love to hear your thoughts and counterpoints !

first, addressing some things:

i know this is a battle royale and not necessarily a story-based game, so i can’t expect it to have masterful witcher-style writing.

but with the direction the game seems to be going; putting quests, evolving interactions, and comics in the game, plus coming out with a lore book and hinting at something bigger in the future, i think it’s fair to criticize it for lackluster writing, especially since what i’m criticizing has been something present since Apex’s story technically began.

secondly, i am not a professional writer. i’m a high schooler who writes as a hobby. i don’t have the decades of experience that some of the apex writers do, and i can’t claim to be a better writer than they are--but i also don’t have to be a five-star chef to realize that something tastes bad. when i critique something and give suggestions, i am not saying i could’ve done it better. i’m just bringing up what i think could have worked.

third, before i upset anyone , when i say a relationship is badly written, i’m not telling you that you can’t ship it or that your ship sucks. i’ll briefly touch on the shipping aspect of this and how it’s a detriment to the story but Ye

okay, so with that out of the way, let us Begin

relationships are often the emotional core of a story, and how strong your reaction is to conflict in these relationships depends on how the story sets them up. if you want the audience to care about these characters and what they go through, you need to develop them and establish the type of relationship they have well. it’s why so many people cried in the last episode of telltale’s the walking dead. you’ve spent roughly 12 hours bonding with clementine and protecting her, and your relationship with her is part of several story beats as well as character beats for lee.

when these two characters’ relationship reaches its peak at the end of the game, it’s powerful, and it’s emotional. you care. you feel something, and the fact that you have to choose what to do to lee only makes it more gut-wrenching.

now, the walking dead is entirely story-based and especially character-driven, so it may be unfair to compare it to apex, but i just wanted to lay the groundwork down for what i think is a strong relationship that makes you feel something when conflict arrives, in this case the conflict being lee getting bit and clementine having to decide his fate.

the broken ghost in general is kind of not-good sometimes, tom casiello previously wrote for soap operas and you can really, REALLY tell sometimes.

this story feels like it should’ve taken place a little later, and that we should’ve had a season to actually set up the characters and their relationships, but that’s a story for another day.

to put it bluntly, the set-up for the crypto, wattson, and caustic conflict is done poorly. for caustic and wattson's relationship it’s a little better, but not by much.

wattson and caustic having a relationship was hinted at in season 2, when her lore indicated that caustic was among one of the Legends who comforted her after her father died. In season four lore materials posted on Twitter, an email from Jacob Young states that Caustic is acting paternal towards Wattson. In season five, interactions get added to the Game, and this is the first time we actually see their relationship in action, as they have unique revive voice lines for each other. in the quests, when wattson is injured, caustic lashes out at loba and attacks her out of what seems to be anger at wattson’s current state.

Side Note this plot point was really stupid and done for cheap drama because she literally wakes up like two chapters later and they don’t even give her anything to say it’s just suddenly oh yeah crypto and wattson are working together. the same exact injury thing happens to octane later but nobody gIVES A SHIT because again, it’s just cheap soap opera drama.

their relationship might seem a little bit sudden for anyone who wasn’t on top of twitter lore drops, but like, it’s okay, i guess. i’ll give it the slightest credit for at least establishing something between the two in terms of voice lines and stuff, even if for some it might seem like it came out of nowhere.

what did come out of nowhere, though, was crypto and wattson’s friendship. in the quests, crypto and wattson are tasked with rebuilding the broken ghost because of their respective skills, and they’re seen talking in chapter six while they work on it. we’re not really given a clear timeline on how long the story in the broken ghost is, but i think it takes about a week, maybe.

unlike wattson and caustic, their relationship has been given absolutely zero material to work with before now, not even a passing glance in the trailers--which is a little weird considering crypto took down the repulsor tower and destroyed wattson’s home, but. Whatever.

tl dr of the chapter: crypto and wattson talk to each other while doing nerd shit, crypto laughs at wattson’s bad pun, and then suddenly they’re BESTIEEEES, until a couple dozen lines later in the same chapter. then they’re Not.

crypto’s drone gets hacked by revenant while everyone was kind of on edge after the reveal of a spy in their midst, he gets framed as the spy by caustic, anddddd wattson gets upset.

before i get into how dumb this storyline is, i’m gonna talk about the set-up to this conflict.

we have been given no reason to believe that these characters have ever talked to each other, and quite frankly, their friendship doesn’t really make sense.

ignoring the fact that crypto destroyed wattson’s home--which she probably doesn’t know about, so that’s forgiven for now--crypto is a paranoid guy. in the lore book he makes people stand on fucking footprints in his house so he can scan them for weapons and listening devices, and he apparently doesn’t stick around much after the games and nobody knows anything about him because he doesn’t talk to them.

a key part of crypto’s story is the fact that he is undercover and afraid of anyone finding out anything about him ever. him becoming friends with wattson kind of comes out of the blue, and we’re not even given a reason as to why they supposedly became close in the first place. i would kind of understand if like, maybe he draws parallels with her and mila in his mind and it makes him open up a little more, but that doesn’t happen. he just laughs at her joke and suddenly they’re friends.

maybe they’re trying to go for this ‘wattson can become friends with anybody’ angle, kind of hinted at with caustic but not really we’ll get into that, but that also? kind of doesn’t make sense since so many of her voice lines straight-up say she doesn’t understand people and electricity is more her thing, but honestly, she also does have those really friendly elements in her voice lines too, so its not as egregious as what they did with crypto.

their sudden out-of-the-blue friendship would’ve been fine if they spent a little more time fleshing it out, and giving us something to work with, but instead, the story immediately tries to rip it apart and frame it as this grand conflict where crypto is framed as the mole, crypto then accuses caustic, and wattson feels betrayed.

except it doesn’t really work, because we don’t give a shit. for several reasons.

one: crypto and wattson became friends and then ended their friendship in the same exact chapter. they did not speak to each other onscreen until this chapter began, you can read the entire quest on the wiki and see for yourself that their interactions up until that point were nonexistent aside from mentions in the narration that they were building something together.

the reason wattson feels betrayed is kind of stupid too. why does she really care that much if one of them betrayed loba? nobody else really cared about the fact that one of them was a spy, in fact, nobody even seems to like loba that much, and they just found out that loba’s been lying to them this whole time, and wattson was conscious for that conversation and had a speaking line, so she’s fully aware of the situation.

maybe it’s just like, the idea that one of them lied, but that’s still kind of a weak reason.

this entire betrayal thing is just dumb, and it gets even worse when you realize that there could have been an actual legitimate reason for wattson to feel betrayed by crypto--even if it still would’ve come across as weak conflict because of their newly established friendship, it would’ve made more sense than this.

Crypto destroyed Wattson’s home. He took down the tower and then all the flyers and stuff invaded Kings Canyon and made it their bitch. Not only that, but Wattson considers the Syndicate her family. The Syndicate are the very people who framed Crypto for murder and he’s trying to take them down.

They could’ve set up actual conflict with these things, and it almost seemed like they would, because Caustic briefly brings up that Crypto could be working with Revenant because he has something against the Syndicate but then that doesn’t really go anywhere and we’re just back to Wattson feeling betrayed because either Crypto or Caustic was a spy and she doesn’t know who.

Weak conflict could’ve been made better by a strong relationship and a weak relationship could’ve still been interesting with strong conflict, but both the relationship between Crypto and Wattson and the conflict that drives them splitting up as friends were really weak and didn’t make much sense.

It would’ve been ten times more interesting if Wattson found out Crypto ruined her home, the arena she grew up in, and was now participating in the Games to take out the people she regards as her family. That’s where her distrust could’ve manifested and conflict could’ve began, but instead it was the stupid betraying loba thing. why do you care. you just started talking to this guy like 2 hours ago.

also caustic’s whole reason for framing crypto feels stupid as fuck. he didn’t just frame crypto randomly, he framed him specifically because he doesn't want him to influence wattsob because he likes her Big Brain, but this is the FIRST time we have seen those two interact.

what influence is he talking about? wraith and wattson have been shown to be friendly with each other in the trailers, according to tom’s tweets, and in the story too so why doesn’t he frame her? at this point the audience had slightly more build-up for those two’s relationship than crypto and wattson and a betrayal storyline would’ve felt a little more deserved if still weak.

this is the point where i briefly want to touch upon shipping, and the fact that part of this conflict feels driven by shipbait.

aside from their relationship coming out of nowhere and the writers trying to make the stakes seem high and deeply emotional to the characters involved (despite this essentially being the first time they’ve ever interacted) tom casiello literally addresses shippers in a tweet regarding chapter seven, and as the story between these characters progresses, it becomes clear to me, at least that the crypto-wattson thing is just bait for shippers, and it’s lazy.

it’s easy to get away with giving your characters little to no relationship development if you’re just counting on shippers to do the heavy mental lifting for you

why should i put any effort into making this relationship seem believable? people are going to see a young guy and a young girl having bare minimum interaction and assume there’s romantic interest! then i don’t have to do any work, see look, it’s a ready-made relationship wrapped in a bow for me! all that’s left for me to do is give them conflict so i can keep teasing shippers with lines like ‘you never deserved her’!

i think it’s reasonable for me to suspect shipbait, since tom casiello likes doing darksparks shipbait on twitter, and i’m like, eighty percent sure mirage and bloodhound suddenly being childhood friends in the book is shipbait too, because these characters were the number one ship in apex for a long time despite little to no interaction, and then all of a sudden in the lore book they’re childhood friends despite this literally never being mentioned before?

like bloodhound is set up to be mysterious and nobody knows what they look like, or where they’re from, or who their family is--except for mirage Apparently, who played with them when he was a kid on their home planet, and has seen them with their mask off, because bloodhound did not wear a mask when their parents were still alive.

its weird.

i’m pretty sure they’ve said somewhere they were working on this book before apex even came out, so i could just be completely wrong and they always planned for mirage and bloodhound to know each other, but if that’s the case, why did they never mention it like they did octane and lifeline?

i refuse to believe MIRAGE never brought it up either like ‘heeeeyy bloodhound remember when we used to throw eggs at our parents lab haha wanna go do to that to bangalore’s room’

[silence]

‘good talk buddy’

ANYWAYS I GOT OFF TOPIC. POINT IS, shipping is a detriment to the story because the writers don’t feel like they actually have to put any work into establishing or developing the relationship between characters when they know the community’s just going to do it for them anyways, and that they can put in shipbait and it’s fine and it makes sense when it really doesn’t.

imagine watching captain america civil war after not seeing a single other marvel movie.

why would you care about the avengers splitting up or tony and steve butting heads or steve’s commitment to bucky? you wouldn’t care, at least not as much as someone who’s seen all the movies and knows the relationship between the characters and why the sokovia accords exist in the first place. you don’t have context and you don’t have any reason to be emotionally invested in these characters’ relationship.

this feels like that. the writers tried to squeeze this relationship and stuff into a single chapter and we don’t fucking care unless we were already invested in the idea of their relationship (shippers) because we barely spent any time with it.

so to summarize this little section, the set-up of this storyline Kinda Sucks! crypto and wattson barely seem to know each other, because we the audience barely saw them together and the writers are relying on shipbait in place of a relationship.

wattson and caustic are a little better but not great, but the conflict is stupid and it only gets stupider.

moving onto summarizing the rest of the broken ghost, gibraltar and caustic talk, caustic LITERALLY confesses to being the mole and says he framed crypto so he couldn’t corrupt wattson and to appear innocent because his identity was suspected, then that wraps up the season storyline.

season six begins with new voice lines, where wattson has had enough of crypto and caustic’s shit and is all passive-aggressive and going ‘this doesn’t change anything’. she has to decide who to trust, and how to figure out The Truth for herself because she’s not a little girl anymore. crypto and caustic are both trying to convince her they’re innocent and it creates some interesting conflict.

just kidding. it’s terrible conflict. you want to know why?

BECAUSE GIBRALTAR TRIED TO TELL HER THE TRUTH, RIGHT AFTER THE SEASON 5 QUEST HAPPENED, AND SHE LITERALLY REFUSED TO HEAR IT.

LIKE THERE’S A SEASON 6 LOADING SCREEN WHERE HE’S TELLING EVERYONE THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND WHEN HE GETS TO WATTSON AND IS LIKE HEY I KNOW WHO THE MOLE WAS AND WHY THEY DID IT, SHE JUST GOES i dont wanna hear it. i need to think

IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO HEAR IT

SHE SPENDS ALMOST TWO ENTIRE SEASONS MAD AT CRYPTO FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO BECAUSE SHE TOLD GIBRALTAR TO FUCK OFF WHEN HE TRIED TO TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED

ITS SO DUMB

i think it was towards the end of season 6 or the beginning of season 7 where apex posted this picture of wattson asleep at her desk where she has a letter from gibraltar on it that looks like it tells her the truth, so she knows now, she knows what happened, but NOW her issue is the fact that she doesn’t know anything about crypto.

WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS YOUR GODDAMN DAMAGE. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BLOODHOUND EITHER ARE YOU THIS UPSET WITH BLOODHOUND TOO?? HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO PATHFINDER. DO YOU HATE PATHFINDER TOO

oh but she was friends with crypto and now she’s mad that he lied to her EXCEPT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WASN’T BUILT UP WELL SO IT JUST FEELS STUPID. THEY SPENT LONGER BEING NOT-FRIENDS THAN THEY SPENT BEING FRIENDS. THEY BECAME FRIENDS IN ONE CHAPTER AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AT THE END OF THAT CHAPTER THEIR FRIENDSHIP ENDED AND THEN WATTSON SPENT LIKE 2 SEASONS MAD AT HIM FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO .

AND THE WRITERS TRIED TO RECTIFY THIS BY SAYING OH SHE’S NOT MAD ABOUT THE TRAITOR THING SHE’S MAD BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM AND IT’S LIKE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR WHY DOES SHE SAY ‘IT DOESN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DID’ IN HER VOICE LINES WHY DOES SHE CALL HIM A TRAITOR IF HER CONFLICT WAS HER NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HIM . WHAT DID HE DO.

HE JUST STOOD THERE AND LAUGHED AT HER JOKE AND THEN HE GOT FRAMED AND THEN THAT WAS THE END OF THE CHAPTER AND NOW SHES SUDDENLY LIKE IM ACTUALLY MAD BECAUSE YOURE A LIAR AND I CANT TRUST YOU EVEN THOUGH I NOW KNOW YOU WERE FRAMED I STILL DO NOT LIKE YOU AND HES LIKE YEAH THATS MY FAULT

The Caustic voicelines are stupid too, again his reason for framing Crypto was stupid and a lot of his voicelines just seem to be that shipbait thing again but like from the angle of overprotective dad who doesn’t like the new boyfriend. it’s stupid but not as egeregious as this next part which is

crypto telling wattson his identity.

CRYPTO was framed for MURDER and is paranoid and can’t trust anyone and doesn’t talk to anyone and the last time he did talk to someone he got framed for Another thing and the person he was talking to turned her back on him and actively refused to know the truth for like 2 seasons and then he went This Is Fine I Can Tell Her My Identity

the stupidest update to this storyline was crypto telling wattson the truth

why did they do it on the dropship where there are presumably syndicate members and other legends around.

why didn’t he scan wattson for listening devices like he did for pathfinder in the book.

why is he telling her his identity when he knows she has very close ties to the people that FRAMED HIM for MURDER. Does he trust her that much? WHY? They spoke to each other in a chapter and then spent two seasons not talking to each other beyond passive-aggressive BS. why are you so fucking stupid taejoon

their relationship was so poorly set-up that even if the writers maybe intended for them to come across as close friends who had spent weeks bonding, it really feels like they became friends in a single conversation, had a falling out, and now crypto suddenly trusts her with his identity after an undetermined amount of time because he wants to be friends again.

that does not make SENSE this conflict feels contrived AS FUCK and the resolution feels even worse and unearned UGGGHHHH

it honestly comes across as crypto feeling desperate for friendship, and maybe this would’ve worked better if that’s the angle they played it as.

he’s been alone for roughly two years, and just wants a friend, and he’s honestly so lonely he just breaks down to the first person who’s really talked to him. it could’ve been an interesting little part of his character, and they could've gone into depth about how much this situation has affected him, but that’s not what they’re doing. he’s still paranoid and anxious and doesn’t trust anyone, except for wattson, because the plot needs him to or else there won’t be any stupid soap opera drama.

and to rub salt in the wound, wattson’s new voice lines with caustic have him telling her that she forgave crypto.

WHAT ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR. ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR BEING FRAMED? WHY DID HE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE THE ONE WHO REFUSED TO HEAR THE TRUTH?

did the conversation just go hey my real name is taejoon park and something bad happened to me and she went aight i forgive you WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

Caustic’s new voice lines to Crypto where he’s like ‘what did you tell her’--YOU TOLD GIBRALTAR STRAIGHT-UP YOUR EVIL MASTER PLAN LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN AND NOW YOU’RE SURPRISED WATTSON AND CRYPTO ARE ON GOOD TERMS NOW?!

THAT’S LIKE TELLING SOMEONE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND THEN BEING SURPRISED WHEN YOU BECOME THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY FRAUD. YOU SET YOURSELF UP FOR THIS WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE CRYPTO DID SOMETHING SINISTER OR LIED OR WHATEVER. WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DO YOU HAVE LIKE 3 BRAINCELLS

this is at like ten pages already so i’m going to just try and wrap this up quickly.

it’s frustrating seeing this storyline play out when there are actually good relationships and storylines written into apex. i’m kind of getting tired of the loba and revenant conflict, but we at least had set-up to it in the form of a few animated shorts and it doesn’t play out as stupidly as this story does. bangalore and loba’s friendship is actually developed well, even if the point between the end of season 5 and season 6 where they suddenly talk like each other feels like it could’ve used a little more.

where crypto and wattson having an established friendship in the broken ghost failed, lifeline and octane’s established friendship works because we’ve been told since octane’s release they were childhood friends and given lore materials that indicate they’ve known each other for a very long time.

apex wants this storyline between crypto and wattson and caustic to feel dramatic and tense and ultimately rewarding when crypto and wattson did become friends for real and stuff, but instead it just comes across as hollow and empty.

there’s nothing there. it’s a case of tell, don’t show, and it looks like this stupid conflict is gonna keep going for another couple of seasons at this rate.

side note: this entire script was written before the new twitter comics

please tell me ur thoughts and feel free to respond with ur own lil essay

also believe it or not this is not the "shipping is a detriment to apex's story" essay i was gonna write this is a completely different essay that has some overlap SKXISOSOW

#apex legends #apex critical #crypto #wattson

35 notes · View notes

sweetcheol · 4 years

Text

college boyfriend!sehun

—genre: fluff

—au: college, friends to lovers

—pairing: oh sehun x reader

—song to listen to while reading: fall again — klang

—word count: 2.2k

—warning(s): mentions of sex, sehunnie being the best boyfriend ever, choking on chips ??? (but it’s nothing bad, i promise)

sehun was your netflix binging partner before he was even your friend

okay ... he was your netflix binging partner before you even knew his name

you guys were in an ethics class together

and it was one of those common classes everyone in uni had to take no matter their major, so it was like 60 of you in a huge ass classroom

so you resorted to the only alternative to keeping you awake during 2 hour long, powerpoint based, boring lectures:

yoy got the best out of your netflix subscription plan

god bless airpods bc you could just hide them with your hair and nobody ever noticed anything

except for sehun

who conveniently sat one seat to the left on the row above you

so he had the perfect view to your laptop screen

and had watched the whole fifth season of peaky blinders with you

of course he never told you bc that... that would have been kind of weird

so he just kept to himself and tried his best to keep on being your anonymous netflix partner

he had even started to buy himself some snacks to munch on during class and was truly living his best life

until you finished peaky blinders ... and were about to start watching crash landing on you

sehun just ... sehun loved that show, okay?

so when he saw the intro pop on your laptop he started choking on his shrimp chips, creating a commotion

like ... even the professor stopped talking and asked him if he was okay, causing everyone to turn around and face him

red-faced, choking him

even you, who had paused the show and turned around in your seat so quickly he thought you’d cracked your neck

and in that moment, sehun did the only thing he could think of

which in that case meant bolting straight out of the classroom coughing like a madman

and just like the concerned netflix partner classmate you were, you had walked out right after him

“yah! don’t run, let me help you!”

and tbh ... sehun had never expected to turn around and come face to face with you, holding a bottle of water for him to sip on

that alone helped him stop coughing

he reluctantly accepted the water while turning beet red in the face

so the two of you sat down on a set of stairs that were near the classroom while sehun drank his water

he was trying his best to zone you out, eyes set on the floor and only focusing on the bottle in his hand

bc that had been ... embarrassing, to say the least

and he had asked you, in the smallest voice possible to please wait until class was over to pick ur things up bc he didn’t wanna go in and then interrupt the lecture again

so you granted him his wish

and when people started piling out of the classroom, you were like well

and sehun didn’t even say anything to u before he walked back inside, took his backpack with him and walked away

so you were like ???? as you stashed your laptop in ur bag and walked back to your dorm

you didn’t see him the next class

and since the room was so big you were like wtf did he sit someplace else

you couldn’t even watch your show in peace that day bc ... what had you even done to him

the lesson after that ... you were resigned

whatever was his problem you wouldn’t mind

but then someone placed a blue thunder gatorade on your desk with a hot pink post it pasted on the cap

“spare airpod ???”

and sehun was sat on the chair next to yours, drinking from his own gatorade bottle while he waited for your response

so you fished the earbuds from your bag and extended your hand, one of them resting on your palm

sehun took it

and the two of you watched the third episode of the show together

the two of u didn’t speak much though

he’d muttered a soft “thank you” when returning the airpod when class was done and that was it

but then he sat next to you the following lesson

and the next one

a couple of weeks after that he started giving you bags of chips and cookies alongside the gatorade

until you had finished a couple of dramas

... and the semester

the two of you were quite bummed the last day of classes

bc neither of you had seen the other one in any other classes so you were sure you weren’t in the same major

and sehun had only said “it was very nice meeting you” after the last class was over

and that was it

or u thought

until half-way through the summer, you had finally found enough willpower to clean your backpack

and had found a cute little note on the bottom of it

from none other but your cute, tall classmate

“maybe we could hang out and actually talk sometime?” alongside his phone number

and at first you were like oh a month has gone by, he won’t remember me

but then you wrote a simple “hey, it’s (y/n) from ethics”

and sehun almost ... choked once again when he read it

bc he though you just weren’t going to text him at all

and so the two of you started talking

he was very funny and easy-going, so you became friends pretty fast

you texted all through-out the summer

and ofc sehun told chanyeol, his best friend and roomate, about it

which prompted chanyeol to tease him 24/7 abt how he should just ask you out

and sehun was like “it’s not like that”

but everyone could see it was like that

so sehun was like ... okay i might

and he was like “so i was thinking ... maybe we could go to the movies”

and you were like !!!!!! red code !!!!!! alert !!!!!! oh my gOD

bc you had been like ... crushing on him ever since the chip incident

and answered him like “yeah that’d be nice”

a few days after you went to the movies

and were both a mess at first but the date actually turned out pretty well bc you went for dinner afterwards and everything ran out pretty smoothly

sehun was like OOOOOOH YEAH I’M UR BOYFRIEND NOW ... right after he walked you to your door

but you weren’t complaining bc you liked him a lot too

SO NOW

onto the relationship

ngl you are like low-key done with him the week after you start dating bc he is ... a little shit

like if he feels he isn’t getting enough attention he’ll go like “(y/n) that’s so unfaiiiiiiiiir”

but then he’ll start playing around with vivi and you’re standing there like okAY

and if you tell him he’ll get all sassy and go like “i knEW u just can’t live without me”

but then when you spend enough time with vivi and he starts running to you instead of sehun ... he goes like “wAIT (y/n) he’s MY son wtf”

but inside he’s like “that’s OUR son oh my god”

gets low-key jealous of all the lead actors of the dramas you watch together

like suddenly you’ll turn around and he’s pouting

but he forgets about it halfway through the episode

even though you two aren’t in the same class anymore he likes studying together

and is always buying snacks for your study dates

he’ll study for like 15 min and then will start pouting bc he wants kisses

wears a lot of hoodies and sweatpants but will also clean up somedays bc he wants to look nice for you

will very subtly leave his hoodies at your dorm

he thinks it’s romantiquè

and you’re very grateful for it bc he’s very tall and thus his hoodies are very cozy

you kinda want to kill him sometimes but he’s definitely the kind of guy that calls you at three am just because he wants to talk to you“i just wanted to hear your voice”

and he’s just laying in his bed smiling like a fool while you tell him about your day

you both end up constantly falling asleep over the phone but neither of you mind

and then chanyeol enters the apartment and sees him passed out on the couch with his phone in hand and your name on his screen

it’s safe to say sehun’s not going to live it down

i don’t think he’d be a big fan of pda

so in public, you kinda only hold hands

he might give you a little kiss from time to time but that’s pretty much it

oh but in private ... he can’t keep his hands off you

and your butt

he gives the best hugs ever??? and it doesn’t help that he loves hugging you

forehead kisses

so so so many forehead kisses

definitely takes advantage of his height

for that, and for placing stuff on high places so that he has to help you on getting them down

lowkey touches your butt when he’s doing it

okay but when you’re ... doing the do

sehun’s a switch

i feel like he’d either be such a whiny sub or a very ... whiny dom (but he’d still be very soft ngl)

(i mean he’s the spoiled maknae for a reason)

favorite thing ever is when you ride him and he can just hold your hips really tight and guide your movements so they can match his

moans so fucking loud you’re sure your entire floor can hear the two of you

i’m not sure he’d be a very kinky lover

like i feel he’d be pretty vanilla

but i mean ... he dances ... his hips can ... do things

so it’s not like it’s anything bad, you know ????

a huge fan of hickeys

but on more ... private places

like he’ll never leave one on your neck

but your chest is a completely different story

bc he doesn’t leave them so that people can see them

he leaves them so he can see them and remind himself that you’re his

that you chose him

that was really sappy

he’s a dance major

and he’s always asking you to go with him to practices

both bc he loves being with you and bc he likes it when you watch him dance

he’s a tease and we all know it

he’d run his hands over his hair and smirk all the time bc he knows you’re looking at him

sometimes he even takes off his shirt and acts like it’s just bc of the heat

and you blush so hard and he’s just like 😌

but also when he has a show or presentation or something

he gets so so so so nervous

but then he spots you in the crowd and just smile a bit bc you’re there, supporting him, and that’s all that matters

his phone background is this selfie the two of you with face masks on

you had your hair up in a bun and both of you were lounging in sweats

you had been playing around with snapchat filters and accidentally took the sweetest photo ever

so he asked you to send it to him

and he set it up as both his lock screen and his home screen

yours is a mirror selfie you took when you were watching him practice

you were taking a photo and when sehun noticed he came to give you a kiss on the cheek

and it was the sweetest thing ever

he literally sends you each and every selfie he takes

and sometimes goes like “hey does this look okay?”

and sometimes it’s more like “your boyfriend is so hot wth”

and just as he takes so many selfies so he can send them to you

he also likes taking photos with you

literally everywhere you two go

he either takes a selfie or asks someone to take a picture of you

and everyone he asks always thinks you’re the most adorable couple ever

bc the love you two have for each other is like so obviously there

and he gets so soft whenever people tell him that

even when it’s chanyeol who says it

truth is chanyeol loves you because of how happy you make sehun

he once told you when you got back home from a club

and like ... you were kinda, slightly, a little bit drunk

and hearing him say that only made you feel like you were walking on clouds even more

bc if anyone asked you to describe just how happy sehun made you ... you were sure you weren’t going to find enough words to describe the feeling

even though he usually is like hell yeah i’m a cool bf

he gets really sappy at night (and when’s drunk)

and goes on and on about how much he loves you and he’s happy he found you

bc you always get that look in your eyes that make his heart melt

bc he’s the sweetest boyfriend ever

and it doesn’t help that he’s my ult bias bc i reallyyyyyyyy wanna date college!boyfriend sehun 🤧

#requests are open :)#exosnet #sehun scenario #sehun smut #exo scenarios #exo smut #sehun imagine #exo imagine #sehun boyfriend au #exo boyfriend au #type: [bulletpoints]#marwrites

339 notes · View notes

sunflowerhae · 4 years

Text

Linger

Episode• 5/8

Mobile Masterlist •

☾ ✎

Authors note• damnnn damn

Warnings• Um, well. Ig, language, mentions of death, mentions of broken nose, Jaemin calls someone a lot of names and says they’re not pretty a lot. Be warned 🥺😔

Songs• one of these nights - Red Velvet/ turning page - sleeping at last/ flowers in December - mazzy star/ linger - the cranberries

•you had been sitting on your porch for an hour

•in a pink dress

•with your hair curled

•and flowers on your heals

•and you were struggling to hold back the tears

•okay backtrack

•it was a Friday

•prom day

•Jaemin had mumbled a week before in your ear while to two were sitting in the library if you wanted to go to prom with him

•it made you laugh

•ofc u said yes

•it was Friday

•and Jaemin was acting so fucking weird today

•he was very clingy

•he refused to let go of your hand unless he absolutely had to

•and he spent like all of lunch just

•staring at you

•the rest of the dreamies we’re acting weird too

•after lunch, they all took their time in hugging you, Miri, and Yerim, really tightly

•even Jisung and Renjun, who hated that shit

•and Jaemin said he couldn’t hang out after school today

•which you got

•you just made sure he knew what time to get you

•and he barely looked at your during that conversation

•and before you two left each other for the day

•he kept asking you to tell him you loved him

•and you had to ask him if he was okay

•and he didn’t say anything

•he just kissed you and walked away

•you knew something was really wrong

•bc he didn’t say he loved you

•but you tried not to dilly dally over it

•he would tell you what was wrong in his own time

•you trusted him

•you were a lil worried tho

•no one was answering your texts except for Yerim and Miri

•none of the dreamies were answering

•they weren’t answering your texts, your calls, or any messages left in the gc

•but they were leaving you on read

•Jaemin wasn’t even reading your messages

•your own bf left you on delivered

•you figured you would ask him when he came and picked you up

•10 minutes late (that’s fine, normal)

•15 minutes late (still, probably didn’t know how to put on his tie. that made you laugh)

•30 minutes late (ok, care troubles, must be)

•45 minutes late (he should have at least called something)

•he was an hour late (jaemin...)

•why?

•you called Yerim, who had been Jeno’s date, and asked her if she had seen Jaemin

•unfortunately, she had

•he was at the prom

•with the dreamies

•Yerim told you Miri was on her way to pick you up

•but you didn’t even want to go at that point

•what was happening?

•maybe he forgot?

•so you finally arrived at the prom

•and what you saw made you actually want to hurl

•Jaemin was there alright

•kissing Cynthia

•from the volleyball team

•in the middle of the dance floor

•with all of the dreamies around them, dancing too

•Jeno saw you come in

•he motioned to hyuck

•who told mark

•who got the attention of Renjun

•who slapped Jisungs arm

•who yelled in chenles ear what was happening

•who then basically yelled it to Jaemin, and the whole senior class

•it was like something out of a movie

•a sea of kids parted

•and there was a straight walk from jaemin to you

•or better yet, from you to Jaemin

•because it was you who moved

•Linger by The Cranberries was playing in the background

•this was the first song you had ever shown Jaemin

•the first song you and Jaemin danced to, in your bedroom

•the first song you two officially made out to, in his car, overlooking your shared spot above the city

•it was you and Jaemins song

•and you thought maybe

•maybe Jaemin would apologize

•make an excuse

•but he looked so cold

•so emotionless

•as he looked at you

•inside Jaemins head

•there was a lot going on

•before he left Jeno’s house towards the prom

•he drank

•a lot

•he definitely didn’t want to remember this night

•so he was feeling a lil drunk

•he locked eyes with all the people that expected him to go through with this bet

•all the people (his friends) that expected him not to

•and the one girl he’s ever loved

•she looked so lost

•and Jaemin wanted nothing more than to break away from Cynthias tight grip on his arm, and hug you, and kiss you, and whisper that he was sorry sorry sorry so sorry

•but he was afraid

•Na Jaemin was a coward

•and he was once more, afraid of losing his reputation

•and suddenly,

•it all threw itself at him

•the harsh world he was brought into,

•the pressure he was under

•it all came and swallowed him whole

•and you were his insecurities new target

•all he saw was red

•”Jaemin? What’s going on?”

•he laughs, but it doesn’t sound sincere. It’s cold, lifeless

•”wow, I always knew you were stupid, But I didn’t think you were that idiotic”

•your blood ran cold

•from the corner of your eye, you can see Jisung turn and look the other way, and Miri and Yerim looking on in absolute horror. Yerim let her arms almost fall from Jeno’s embrace, but he held her tightly, afraid of losing her.

•”what?” You looked so lost, like a little lamb that lost their mother in the woods

•if you were the lamb, Jaemin was the wolf

•”I mean, honestly, did you really think I could like a girl like you?”

•you don’t say anything, too much in shock

•”you are a nobody, and you never will be. I know you thought dating someone like me would suddenly make people like you, but new flash y/n, no one does. I can’t believe I had to fucking date you for 7 months. All you do is whine and complain, you’re so fucking annoying. And no wonder I had to start talking to you after mark tutored you; what with you being so fucking stupid. I think it’s so funny how much you tried, when no one really cared. No one cares about ugly girls that put on ugly dresses to try and be more beautiful when nothing will fix the way you are. No one will ever love you y/n, I certainly didn’t-“

•Jeno had heard enough.

•”Jaemin I think she gets it” he puts a hand on Jaemins chest, but Jaemin just pushes it off, and take a step towards you. He really never knew when to stop

•”what, does that make you cry? Knowing that everytime I said I loved you, I was lying? I never loved you y/n. Never. How could anyone ever love a useless bitch like yourself-“

•”Jaemin, stop, look at the poor girl” hyuck finally stepped in and started whispering in Jaemins ear

•it’s true, you were sobbing so much that your pretty makeup was ruined, and you couldn’t even lift your eyes off the floor.

•”oh, why do you care? You act like you weren’t in on the bet this whole time. All of us were. We all knew this was going to happen, because none of us like you y/n. You know, we used to sit there and laugh about how gullible you were. I’m surprised you even have friends. We certainly weren’t your friends. I bet not even Yerim or Miri really like you. They’re actually cool; beautiful. You’re like the ugly duckling that tags along bc you have no where else to turn. Ugly inside and out.”

•”what bet.”

•honestly, everyone was surprised that you talked.

•Jaemin certainly was. He really didn’t want to say anything more, but he couldn’t stop. It’s like he didn’t have an off switch.

•he just laughed at your face

•”remember last night? At my house? I took your puney little virginity. I got bet 8 months ago that I couldn’t take your virginity the night before prom, and then dump your sorry ass in front of everyone. Well look everyone! I win!” He laughed out, all of his stupid jock friends laughing with him.

•he was telling the truth, he took your virginity last night.

•he insisted it was because he wanted you two to be closer on prom night

•you really did feel stupid

•and disgusting

•like you needed a shower

•”and honestly, the worst part was that you weren’t even good. I mean it’d be okay if you were pretty, but look at you!”

•and finally, As Jaemins final act,

•he slipped the anniversary present you gave him off of his left wrist,

•and threw it at your face

•it hit you square in the chest,

•and slid down to floor

•you stayed and looked at it for abt 3 seconds

•but honestly

•you had heard , and seen, enough.

•you didn’t even look at Jaemin, you just turned and ran out of the gym

•everyone started cheering, all the popular people laughing and whooping

•Jaemin just stood there, staring at your retreating figure

•his heart was beating out of his chest

•but someone just handed him a cup full of spiked punch, and he downed it, and pulled Cynthia in for a kiss

•trying to block out the sound of his heartbreaking into millions of pieces

•Yerim and Miri ran out after you, and Jeno and mark followed, while Renjun took Chenle and Jisung - who were sobbing at this point - and dragged them out

•and hyuck just disgustingly stood and stared at Jaemin

•and he pulled Jaemin into him

•and said

•”you’re right, Jaemin. You won. Congrats”

•before shaking his head and running out after everyone

•outside, you were trying S U P E R hard not to have a panic attack

•it was a lie, all of it

•you should have known

•you should have seen that getting involved with the 7 most popular boys in school would ruin you

•Jaemin was right, you were so so stupid

•you heard footsteps behind you, and when you saw all of your friends (minus Jaemin, obviously), you couldn’t help but cry more

•Yerim and Miri slowly walked towards you, and you pulled them both in for a hug, sobbing onto their shoulders

•from behind them, you saw Jeno reach out for you, and softly call your name

•you sucked in a deep breathe

•they knew

•”you knew.”

•the only one that wasn’t crying at this point was renjun, but he looked damn near tears.

•”I’m not going to lie to you y/n, yeah we did-“

•”that’s contradictory. You have been lying to me for 8 months.”

•you didn’t even sound mad, just broken.

•which was honestly worse

•you just shook your head at them, and started walking towards Miri’s car, hoping she could take you home.

•”Jeno.”

•Yerim sounded betrayed as she whispered her boyfriends name

•”how could you?”

•”did you all just see us as idiots?” Miri chimed in

•no one said anything.

•like idiots

•Miri shook her head, and if looks could kill, 6/7 of the dreamies would be killed on the spot.

•”don’t you ever come near us again.” Was the last thing she said, before wrapping her hands around Yerim, and pulling her towards her car.

•Jaemin chose the P E R F E C T time to come out

•the events went as such:

•newly dumped Jaemin walks outside

•newly dumped Jeno locks eyes with new dumped Jaemin

•newly dumped Jeno sees red

•new dumped Jaemin gets a broken nose

•5/7 dreamies retreat

•mark drives Jaemin home

•Jaemin sits on his porch for three hours, not crying, but thinking about everything that happened that night

•Jaemin finally calms down enough to realize wtf happened

•Jaemin immediately wants to die

Continue here

{taglist}

@ivietea @fiveguysgoodbyeguys

@comically-sleep-deprived @woosans-sann @mozartwasajungkookstan @littlefluu @cxcxlxlee @jaesluvklub

@uyuzo @sweetie-yoongi7 @marklexleaf @infatuated-with-you

44 notes · View notes

panharmonium · 4 years

Note

Hey! Loving the Merlin takes on ur blog, and I wanted to ask—what are your opinions on Morgana? Haven’t seen a lot of talk abt her. I loved her, esp in season 1, which is also my fav season cuz after that I feel like things started to make less and less sense, lmao. I understand her descent into villainy (mostly, but why does she start to hate Gwen so quickly? feel like that could’ve been handled better) but I would’ve loved to see some solidarity between her and merlin!!!!!

hi there! :D

so, i LOVE morgana. most of what i’ve said about her has been in the tags of gifsets that are now scattered haphazardly around my blog; i don’t think there are larger pieces yet besides my finale round-up (urgh lol), and most of that is just a function of time - i can’t possibly write expansive tracts of meta about every single merlin thing i love, because i love the whole show; i’d never leave my computer again. i generally sit down to write long essays about whatever grabs my mind at a particular moment, even though there are a bazillion other things out there i love just as much. XD

but with morgana, i also feel like part of the reason i haven’t written much about her is because up until three and a half weeks ago (....oh my god, was it THREE AND A HALF WEEKs??? IT FEELS LIKE A YEAR) i hadn’t even finished the series yet, and the whole time i was watching this show i was sort of...waiting to see whether they would finally tie her arc together. i didn’t feel like i could say too much about what was happening with her, because my evaluation of her arc was going to depend on where the writers finally chose to take it and whether they brought it to the place i thought it needed to go.

and...they didn’t, obviously, which is what i sort of suspected would happen, though i was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt all the way up until the end, because i don’t believe they ever wrote themselves into a corner with her. there were things they could have handled with more depth, definitely, but i do not believe that they ever dug themselves into a hole they couldn’t climb out of.

i. what happened to you, morgana

essentially my opinion (just mine; nobody else is obligated to share it) of morgana is this: that the series ended before her arc was over.

to me, season 5 was the nadir in our characters’ journeys. they had reached their lowest point, their...“darkest hour,” to quote the show itself. and in many familiar storytelling formats (the ones that have the most in common with bbc merlin, at least), we take our characters to a moment where they hit rock bottom, where everything is going wrong and things seem hopeless, and then we light a spark under their butts that starts the process where they fight their way out of it. the nadir isn’t the endpoint of the curve; it’s the point where characters start climbing their long, slow way out of the pit. it’s what they have to overcome in order to earn their eventual triumphant ending.

to me, season 5 was that nadir, for morgana and everyone else. i never would have imagined season 5 to be the final season of the show, if i hadn’t known it was beforehand. i would have read season 5 as the show’s ‘empire strikes back’ moment. the episode that ends with our team losing, but with a whole other episode remaining where they can fight to Make It Right.

i view merlin bbc as tantamount to a cancelled tv show, to be honest. i know that’s not necessarily what happened (though it does feel pretty weird that they officially announced S5 would be the final season only four weeks before the finale was about to air?? very bizarre), but regardless of the actual behind-the-scenes-whatever, the fact of the matter is that for me, the series doesn’t end. it stops. and those two things are not the same.

this is particularly relevant to morgana because, as you said, there are aspects of her character arc that weren’t handled as deftly as they could have been, but if the show had brought morgana’s arc to the place where it felt like they were going in 5.09, they could have rescued so much of what came before.

to get into more detail -

i think the biggest issue with morgana’s arc for me isn’t so much what she does, it’s what we’re not shown as she does it.

i fully believe that morgana would eventually start working to ensure uther’s downfall. (obviously. she’s been presented as the voice of moral authority on this show since episode one, and there’s no reason to believe that she wouldn’t ultimately start rebelling against the king’s oppressive policies.) i believe that she would reject arthur, eventually. and i believe that she would reject gwen, too. but i don’t believe the show illustrates enough how painful this would be for her, or how conflicted it would make her feel.

and again, as i said, there are my own personal opinions, couched in...some personal experience with certain kinds of family conflict - but i do understand where morgana’s bitterness toward arthur and gwen comes from. arthur, for all that he’s “a better man than [his] father,” never fully breaks with uther the way morgana does. he has his own little rebellions, yes, but ultimately he always falls in line. he tolerates his father’s actions even if he doesn’t necessarily agree with them, and he continues to support uther even after uther is revealed to have lied about being morgana’s illegitimate father. and because of this tacit acceptance of uther’s poor behavior, arthur reaps benefits and privileges galore. morgana is cast out with nothing, whereas arthur, who didn’t even take a stand for justice, wants for nothing. arthur is sitting pretty on the throne of camelot because he continued to bestow his honor and respect upon a man who deserved neither of those things, because he chose the villain of the series over his sister, even knowing what uther did to her. and that’s gutting, for her. he betrayed her.

(and there are things to be said on arthur’s end of this, too, of course - morgana doesn’t ever confide in him; she doesn’t come to him for help or give him a chance to even be informed about what happened to her before she jumps into invading camelot and dethroning uther - so for arthur, her sudden turnaround comes as a total shock, and HE feels betrayed, like he has no choice but to fight her - i mean, it’s just a big mess.)

but i understand why she hates him. he continues to stand with a man who did demonstrable evil, despite the harm that was specifically done to morgana herself. and by shutting up and letting atrocities be committed in front of him, arthur escapes the harm that morgana suffers for speaking up. i understand why morgana is so bitter about it.

and gwen is a very similar situation - from morgana’s point of view, gwen is playing the arthur to arthur’s uther. gwen sides with arthur over morgana, despite knowing full well that arthur’s policies harm people with magic. gwen abandons morgana for her love interest, and for morgana that’s just like - “why would you do that? i was your friend before he ever cared about you, i loved you before he ever did - don’t you see the evil he’s perpetuating? don’t you care what he does to people like me?”

that’s why morgana tells merlin, “don’t think i don’t understand loyalty just because i’ve got no one left to be loyal to.” she feels like everybody who supposedly cared for her ultimately dumped her because her situation interfered with their comfortable, morally uncomplicated lives. they weren’t willing to acknowledge what was done to her, and they stuck by the man responsible for it, and it seems incomprehensible to her, that they would make that choice, when his misdeeds are known and out in the open. i can’t blame her for wanting to raze the city to the ground.

HOWEVER.

while i believe that all these things are completely plausible, i don’t believe that the series shows us appropriately how these things would be tearing morgana apart inside, underneath the rage and the armored front of ‘you brought this on yourself, so burn in hell, i don’t care.’

there are moments where the show gets it right. when morgana wakes up after uther dies and says that she felt his pain - it’s not presented as gloating; she’s - almost confused. uncertain. like she doesn’t know what she feels. when she confronts arthur at the end of season 4 (i thought we were friends/as did i) there’s real pain under the surface there. when they confront each other at the beginning of season 5, too (what happened to you, morgana/i grew up) - you can feel the undercurrent of something deeper there, too. and that moment with mordred in 5.09, when he appeals to her humanity (i hope one day you will find the love and compassion which used to fill your heart) - that is an amazing scene. the show absolutely nails that moment. morgana hesitates. you can see the grief and the - the conflict written all over her face. it’s perfect. it’s exactly the turn i would have expected morgana’s arc to be taking, at that time in the series.

but then the show just stopped. and without taking morgana’s arc further - without following it through all the way to its conclusion - there’s never any resolution to all the ways the show dropped the ball earlier. all the moments where morgana appears to be just...evil-smirking her way through her revenge, the way she suddenly seems to have no feelings for gwen whatsoever, the utterly lost opportunity that was the “enchanted gwen” arc (which could have been such a powerful exploration of their broken relationship) - all those could have eventually made sense and fit into a narrative where morgana’s conflicted feelings finally begin to escape the stranglehold in which she has them choked, where we start to see the pain of these destroyed relationships rising to the surface.

i can understand how morgana would just - shut off her feelings about these people. she had to close her heart to them - the alternative would have been too painful. but underneath - we know it wouldn’t be that easy. we know it eats at her. and it’s just - so incredibly frustrating that the series was starting to go there - the moment with mordred in 5.09 feels like the beginning of morgana’s big crisis of faith - and then the show just Stops.

so the thing about morgana for me is that, like you said, the show does drop the ball on illustrating her quick descent into evil-villain territory, and they especially drop the ball on her break with gwen, but all of it could have been salvaged, if they had committed to following her arc all the way through to its conclusion. instead they chose to kill her (and everybody else, lol) just as her deep-rooted internal conflicts were finally starting to rise to the surface.

ii. we can find another way/there is no other way (aka the merlin problem)

i’ll say right up front that anything i say here is, as always, just my personal interpretation of things. this is not necessarily the One True Way this show is meant to be understood; it’s just my own preferred read.

i have definitely seen some things in my brief foray into internet fandom that are sort of...piling on merlin for abandoning morgana or “gaslighting” her, most of which seem to be centered around the beginning of episode 2.03, which is weird to me, because the whole point of that episode is that merlin does help morgana, in the end - he’s the one who doesn’t gaslight her. he defies gaius and takes her to the druids, specifically so they can tell her yes, she does have magic. he tries to distract the attacking knights in order to enable morgana to escape with the druids permanently, like she wants. and when the attempt fails, and they’re brought back to camelot, he comes to morgana’s chambers specifically to check on her and to assure her that he won’t reveal her secret to anyone, and she’s grateful for this - she thanks him, she’s appreciative of everything he did for her, she feels comforted to know the truth and to know that someone else knows it, too. this episode ends with their relationship at a high point - it’s overwhelmingly positive, and it doesn’t take a nosedive until 1.12, when morgana gets in way over her head and merlin thinks she’s trying to murder them all. (and even in that episode, it’s worth it to note, merlin is still covering for her magic in front of arthur, giving her chances.)

(and obviously also, of course, the end of that particular situation gets Real Bad Real Fast, which could be a whole post in and of itself, so let’s stay focused on the earlier eps, for now.)

the criticism of merlin in those earlier episodes seems to stem solely from the fact that he doesn’t out himself to morgana, which i can understand - i mean, i like the idea of a ‘merlin+morgana secret magic squad’ AU as much as anyone - but i’ll be honest and say that nowadays, i’m not quite as willing to condemn him for it as i might have been on my first viewing.

i’m not willing to condemn him for it at all, actually.

(and again - as i said, these are my own opinions! everybody else is welcome to have different opinions! we all engage with media differently, and there isn’t a right or wrong way to approach this situation, just whichever way feels best to you.)

so, for me, i’m not interested anymore in telling merlin that he should have revealed himself to anyone, at that point in the story. it would be different if he had been like - continuing to tell morgana ‘oh, no, you don’t have magic, don’t be crazy,’ or if he had been pretending to hate magic like everyone else so he could blend in, but he doesn’t do that, at the end of the episode. he sends her to the druids. he chases after her when he realizes she's in danger. he openly acknowledges her magic, he supports her in having it, he makes sure she knows she has nothing to fear from him. by the end of 2.03, he’s gone to great lengths to help her; he’s already made certain that she knows he’s on her side and that she can trust him. she clearly knows that he accepts her and that he supports her - those are his responsibilities to her as a fellow human and as a friend, and those are exactly the responsibilities he makes sure to fulfill. she knows her secret is safe with him.

now - whether or not merlin feels safe enough to out himself, after making sure morgana knows he accepts and supports her, is his own business.

i think there are a number of reasons why it wouldn’t be fair for me to criticize merlin for continuing to conceal his secret, the first of which is something i already mentioned in another piece - that a marginalized person’s first responsibility is to their own safety, when forced into hiding under oppressive social conditions. merlin isn’t obligated to reveal himself for anybody. he’s not obligated to put himself in danger out of some kind of...responsibility to the community. (not at this point, anyway. it gets more complicated later, as merlin becomes more powerful, which i also address in that other piece, but that’s all in the future for him and not relevant at this moment.)

i think it would be easy for me to forget that merlin isn’t safe, in the early seasons. we’re so used to thinking of merlin as ‘the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth,’ because that’s what we keep being told he’s going to become, but again, that’s all so far in the future for him. merlin in the early seasons can do some things with his abilities, but not consistently, and not to the level where we can reasonably expect him to resist the entirety of camelot’s army, if they were to come for him. merlin is in real danger, and he’s not evil for being unwilling to share a secret about himself that would ensure his death, if it somehow got back to the wrong people.

second - i don’t think it would be fair for me to discount merlin’s personal history, either. merlin’s life didn’t start in camelot, and he hasn’t even been in camelot for all that long, comparatively, by the time we get to S2. season one takes place over a few months, starting in either spring or summer and ending in the fall (after the referenced harvest in 1.10/1.11, but before winter sets in). the weather is nice by time season 2 starts, so we can probably assume that S2 takes place once winter has passed (although, it’s technically possible that S2 takes place over the same autumn as S1, I guess...but it’s not made clear to us, timeline-wise.) either way, we just really have to remember that merlin’s stay in camelot by the time we reach 2.03 is still this blip compared to the rest of his life.

it would be very easy for me to say that merlin should have told morgana, that there’s no way she would ever have given him up - and i probably would have said that very thing, after the first time i watched the show - but like - nowadays, i really think i have to step back from that certainty and be a little more gentle. we say we “know” that morgana wouldn’t have willingly betrayed merlin’s secret at that point, and sure, i agree, that’s probably true - but does merlin know that?

of course not!

i think he hopes that. i think he would dearly like to believe that. i also think merlin grew up in a situation where he couldn’t fully trust even the people he’d known all his life, with two (vital!!!) exceptions, and he has been in camelot with a bunch of brand-new people for less than a year, and he can’t be certain of them, however much he wants to be. (and that’s not even considering the possibility of accidental betrayals, or coerced ones - remember, the witchfinder shows up in S2 also, as just one example.)

remember that exchange merlin has with freya, later this season?

“you can’t always trust people.”

“i know. that’s why i left home.”

merlin is not used to showing himself to people. he has been taught all his life to NEVER, EVER show himself to anybody. everyone in camelot who finds out about his magic finds out either by accident (like gaius or lancelot), or necessity (like freya and gilli - though gilli is interesting, because i think merlin’s decisions there are motivated precisely by the choices he didn’t make with morgana - which i’ll go into more later).

in twenty-odd years, merlin has only ever told one person about his magic. and even that generous assumption requires a little bit of inferencing for us to determine, though i think it’s likely enough, if not confirmable.

(i am, in case it’s unclear, referencing 1.10, when merlin is explaining to will why hunith sent him away to camelot: “when she found out you knew - she was so angry.” that, to me, has always been a signifier that merlin told will about his magic, as opposed to will finding out by coincidence. i know there are a lot of headcanons floating around out there about various...accidental situations that may have occurred which forced merlin to reveal his magic in front of will, and those are all obviously totally fun to play with, but after hearing this particular line - i never understood that to be the case, to be honest. we’ve seen hunith enough to have a pretty solid understanding of her character. she and merlin are always easy and gentle together, she’s so kind and calm and thoughtful - i can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have understood, if there had been some kind of accident that forced merlin’s hand. she’d be just as afraid for his future safety, of course, and she would have wished he’d told her right away, but she wouldn’t have been “so angry.”

...she might, however, have been “so angry” if she’d found out that merlin had specifically undermined every sacrifice she’d ever made to keep him safe/ignored every single one of her warnings/rejected every cautious thing she’d been telling him for his entire life and TOLD somebody about his magic when it wasn’t remotely necessary. that’s the only scenario i can imagine that would prompt merlin to say “she was SO angry” in that half-awed, half-intimidated tone, with that little headshake, like it was such a singular event, like it’s still formidable for him to remember.)

so anyway, that said - it’s too easy for me to say ‘he should have told morgana/gwaine/gwen etc; they would never have turned on him,’ as if it would have been such a simple thing for him to do, as if there were no dangers associated with their knowledge even if they would never have willingly given him up, as if he was refusing to do it because he didn’t want to, or because his fears were overblown, or because he was foolish for thinking they would ever hate him for his gifts. i think that really minimizes the reality of his struggle, and the danger of his situation. without the pressure of some crisis to force his hand, merlin has only ever willingly revealed himself to one person. that person is dead. that person died specifically ensuring that merlin could stay safe and hidden from the rest of the world, morgana included - merlin’s continued secrecy is a gift that was bought at an impossibly high price, and it’s not simple for him to contemplate squandering it, especially with no guarantee that things will turn out okay.

because there IS no guarantee that things will turn out okay! a lot of the “merlin should have told morgana” online talk centers around the idea that knowing about merlin’s magic would have kept morgana from feeling alone/betrayed, thus preventing her from turning to the “evil” methods she uses later, but again, i don’t think we actually know that at all. solidarity between merlin and morgana would have been a nice thing, definitely; i’d like to see that too, but i don’t think the fact that she and merlin are both magic-users would have guaranteed harmony between them. merlin and gilli are both magic-users, too, and merlin expects this to be enough to convince gilli to “see the light,” but the fact of the matter is that merlin and gilli just have very different ideas about what it means to do the right thing. merlin thinks it means biding his time and waiting for change to come from the top (because he’s been TOLD by greater powers that this is the right course of action, of course; let’s note again that merlin’s situation is extremely complicated) whereas gilli thinks that doing things merlin’s way makes merlin complicit with an unjust regime. gilli says ‘i shouldn’t haven’t to wait for someone else to give me my rights. i’m going to take them myself.’

the fact that merlin and gilli share a bond as magic-users doesn’t protect them from an ideological divide that puts them on different sides of the same struggle. i’m not sure that merlin and morgana wouldn’t have still ended up in the same situation, eventually, if merlin had chosen to out himself to her - but doing so would certainly have made him a thousand times more vulnerable to attack.

third - it’s also important to remember that if we’re going to hold merlin to this rigid ‘he should have told morgana everything/confided in her/trusted her at the expense of possibly his own life despite the fact that she exists at the completely opposite end of a rigid social hierarchy as him and he’s known her for less than a year’ then maybe we ought to raise the bar for morgana, as well. morgana is very clearly shown to trust and appreciate merlin at the end of 2.03, but by 2.11, when alvarr and mordred show up and convince her to steal the crystal of neahtid, she doesn’t hesitate or come to merlin at all, despite the fact that we never see him do anything to lose her trust between then and now. she never asks him for help, even when she’s uncertain about alvarr’s methods, and that leaves merlin in the dark, only privy to confusing images of her sneaking around and acting suspicious. and even with that, merlin doesn’t condemn her for what she does, the same way he doesn’t blame her when she tries to kill uther in 1.12 - he helps arthur retrieve the crystal, but he doesn’t give morgana up. and he doesn’t hold any kind of grudge, either - in the next episode, merlin doesn’t even suspect her, at first - he thinks it must be her magic protecting her; he doesn’t even consider the idea that she has anything to do with the illness, not until kilgharrah tells him.

and even after that, he STILL covers for her in front of arthur, and he gives her a chance to come clean to him - but she doesn’t take it.

i’m not condemning her for that - i get why she would be afraid to admit to such a big mess - she was in way over her head and didn’t know what to do. but if we’re going to cut morgana this much slack and accept her fears as a valid enough reason to block a potential moment of connection, then we have to accept that merlin’s fears were valid, too - morgana’s descent into “villainy” was not something we can pin solely on merlin’s already overburdened shoulders. the end of season 2 was not some kind of one-way failure.

in summary: merlin and morgana were trapped in an impossible situation. they were both victims of the same oppressive regime, and both of them had very real, very dangerous obstacles to letting themselves trust in and reach out to others, and i think pitting them against each other while forgetting who the real villain was is unfair to them both.

also, a brief postscript: circling back to the first section of this piece, where i talked about how season 5 just stopped before anyone’s arc was finished - merlin and morgana could have had so much more, if we’d gotten another season. their relationship is really in the pits, by season 5, but there is this deleted scene where arthur is reflecting on what happened to morgana and blaming himself, and merlin says arthur shouldn’t take the blame, that “there were others better placed to help morgana” (implicating, of course, himself) and that was SUCH a jumping off point for their story to have continued. merlin wanted to do better by her. he blamed himself for what happened to her. and morgana, for her part, was starting to question herself, as we saw during her confrontation with mordred in 5.09.

there were places for this relationship to go. it wasn’t a lost cause. but the writers decided that it made more sense to just...eliminate everybody at the exact moment when things were poised to possibly change.

the story wasn’t over at the end of season 5. but the show was, and i am always going to regret those many lost opportunities.

#the once and future slowburn #meta #replies #long post

48 notes · View notes

chiiquititamoved · 4 years

Text

dracula ep 2 - observations

ahhh! the scene is set and i cannot wait for more agatha

so we open up onto dracula’s castle? i think

dracula and my beloved aggie are in a room together

wait so are they buddies now? drac’s not trying to eat her or anything, which i find suspicious

there’s a chess game going on with some symbolism i am too tired to grasp

drac starts telling agatha about the voyage he made to england

scene changes to a ship and the captain having a nightmare about a dismembered hand? idk

now we meet a passenger, dr sharma who’s looking at a body or something

it’s the “grave the children complained about” ??? i’m getting lucy vibes

the coffin/body is 70 yrs old but there’s fresh scratches on the lid! i wonder where this is going

ew a very gross body rises out of the coffin

scene change! we meet a dead guy, piotr

his mum/sister/relative is saying he was going to be a sailor but he died before he could, and there’s this very suspicious guy sweeping in a doorway and listening to the conversation

but then a nun closes the door and locks him in his room

and then the lady relative is told by the priest to stab w/ a stake piotr and she does. wise move, ma’am

this is all taking place close to a shipyard/dock

oooh suspicious guy is going to the ship and impersonating piotr! interesting

so it’s established that the one-handed guy from the nightmare the captain had is coming back on the ship. apparently it was the captain’s fault he lost his hand, but the nice one-handed guy is making a joke out of it and it’s all very friendly, but it still haunts our cap i guess

lord and lady ruthven are coming aboard the ship. they just got married, and it’s all very exciting

the lord jokes about “making it a long voyage” (wink wink) to cap (comedic genius right here) and then this guy who introduced him is like “oh, it will be” we’ve got so many suspicious characters already, i feel so blessed!!

okay - i’ll call the guy who’s pretending to be piotr fake piotr to avoid confusion and i’ll call the other suspicious guy (i think he’s lord and lady ruthven’s servant/secretary? he’s got pretty nice clothes, idk) bob

there’s an old guy who approaches fake piotr like “are you as inexperienced as you look? are you scared?” and he’s like well yeah and the other guy goes “me too.” ???? that’s reassuring!!

ah the doctor (i forget his name) and his daughter are boarding

dracula boards openly as himself because THAT’S a good idea

agatha, of course, echoes my thoughts and drac’s like “what do you think i would’ve done, lie around in a box for 4 weeks?” uh, yeah, you’re a fucking vamipre

anyway, back to the ship. fake piotr is about to enter a room (no. 9) but this crewmember comes up to him and goes nah you can’t go in there these passengers are sick (he sounds like he’s lying) and fake piotr is like okay thanks i won’t do that then

there’s fucking flies EVERYWHERE on this ship jesus

like i get they’re undead and it’s symbolic and suspenseful or whatever but it’s also fucking GROSS

anyway drac comes up to the crewmember, who for some reason is listening at the door of no. 9, and says some creepy stuff to him (turns out he’s from bavaria. this may be relevant later?)

so fake piotr is from romania and he’s boring the handless guy with his “story” - the handless guy points out that it sounds SUPER fucking fake. anyway time for dinner!

so now they show the fancy dining room and lord whatever is there w/ bob (his name’s adisa, actually) and adisa’s like ooh this wine isn’t good i don’t like it and then they argue whatever and the doctor interjects

OH MY GOD! adisa and the lord are together! the lord’s like you know this marriage is a necessary evil and adisa’s like yeah but it hurts. :,( i feel him man

drac introduces himself to the old lady, bla bla, and then he drinks this crewman’s blood and like absorbs his mannerisms (and his german)

god this is boring i want more of my tragic gay love story

turns out drac and the old lady (who is a duchess) danced together on her 18th birthday? okay? i don’t care where’s adisa

and that’s the night the duchess’s mother disappeared. great.

now drac drinks the old lady’s blood

there’s a fog around the ship... it seems to be following them... how mysterious...

okay now drac is creeping out fake pietro by telling him a gross story because he was looking in a barrel? I DON’T CARE WHERE IS ADISA

ahh finally adisa’s back. so dorabella (the gay lord’s wife) is tired (and everyone else is like OOHhoo i wonder why) but drac seems to be on to them. uh oh

honestly other than agatha adisa and the lord are the only characters i actually want to have a happy ending

okay everyone’s asleep but doc, and he’s having flashbacks or whatever to that body from before

he gives his sleeping daughter (who’s mute + deaf, btw, forgot to mention that) a touching little monologue abt how there’s monsters in this world and he’ll protect her (that sounds sarcastic but it actually is sweet)

lady whatever (gay’s wife) goes out on deck in the night, for a walk, but meets dracula out there

he’s kinda flirting/talking w/ her outside but she’s obviously in love with her husband, unfortunately

m’lady reveals she’s going to america

dracula shows her the water in a barrel or something? but refers to it as a mirror? he shows her a pic of her and her husband in the reflection and goes “i thought i’d show you a picture of what might have been,” or something dramatic like that

the doctor’s daughter starts bleeding from her face in her bed, and she wakes up

turns out the blood is from the lady and is dripping through the ship’s deck!

doc’s daughter goes up to investigate and sees drac drinking the lady’s blood

:( i really don’t want the doc’s daughter to die

well of course now drac is threatening her >:(

like i feel bad for dorabella but i want adisa to be happy. i’m very conflicted

they’re going to search for the murderer now

DRACULA IS SO OBVIOUSLY THE CULPRIT OH MY GOD. he keeps saying the most suspicious things and nobody cares

okay now drac is saying that they should search cabin no. 9? which only the captain has access to, for some reason, and he’s super anxious to not let anyone else in?

there’s a bunch of flies in cabin no. 9. great, more death

it’s established that there is actually another person in cabin 9, the mates hear breathing or something

drac: “ah, but you’re a scientist.” doctor: “yes, i was, at the university of calcutta. are you a scientist yourself?” “no, but i have an appetite for it.”

this guy gets injured because of the fog or something

dracula is like addicted to blood, and he can’t stand the sight of it or something

NO THE LORD RUTWHATEVER IS WITH DRACULA

IF HE’S GOING TO CHEAT ON ADISA I WILL RIOT

oh no thank god everyone else is in the room with him

The gay lord’s friend who told him to take this ship is called balaur? oh my god balaur is the dude that the rich old lady said was paying for her trip to england in the beginning! i feel like we’re onto something my dudes

i was right! balaur is also the doctor’s sponsor

So the injured guy (the crewmember) gets woken up by the gay lord’s wife and she’s like ooh it’s okay but then it turns out it’s dracula pretending to be her and he drinks the guy’s blood

Ooooh shit most of the crew left on a lifeboat!!! Shit

NOW WE’RE FINALLY GOING TO SEE WHO’S IN CABIN NINE!

Okay so we cut back to drac, who spouts some cryptic bullshit as usual

Ahhhh we’re finally getting an explanation for why he and agatha are here! She gets up ans she’s like “how did i get here? We were at the convent!” and dracula let mina go? But he didn’t let agatha go

Agatha’s like “the people you feed on, you make them dream!”

NO, HE DRANK AGATHA’S BLOOD????!!

OH MY GOD AGATHA’S IN CABIN NUMBER NINE

Drac goes into the cabin and he’s like agatha is the murderer!

And they’re about to hang her!!!!!! No but she’s the love of my life!!!!

okay the captain and the doctor are like she couldn’t possibly have done it! she’s too weak

now, my darling agatha, who of course has her wits about her, says that she’s a vampire so they can’t hang her! and they’re like uh okay i kinda believe her

but then drac starts to kick the barrel from under her! and aggie BITES HER LIP AND THE BLOOD FALLS

dracula goes a little batshit (! get it???) and they see it! and then the doctor’s daughter (who you will recall i ALWAYS had faith in) comes in and makes the sign of the cross and drac’s repulsed

IS THE DAY SAVED? no, there’s 30 minutes left in the episode

DRACULA RUNS AWAY WHILE THEY’RE SAVING AGATHA

AND MY HERO (AGATHA, OBVIOUSLY) JUST SITS UP AND GOES “i am sister agatha van helsing of the st mary’s convent, budapest. captain sokolov, you are relieved of command.” JUST LIKE THAT! MY HERO!

okay so the doctor has a little potion for if he’s undead? I guess it kills an undead person

the remaining crew members threw all of the boxes of earth but one off of the ship (drac needs to sleep on transylvanian earth for some reason?)

gay lord just called dracula seductive >:( where’s adisa?? I miss him

WhAT the FUCK? gay lord LIKES dracula?

NO ARE GAY LORD AND DRACULA GOING TO FUCK

GAY LORD IS ON DRACULA’S SIDE

DOCTOR AND HIS DAUGHTER JUST PULLED SOME CROSSES BECAUSE DUH AND GAY LORD IS THREATENING TO SHOOT THEM

NO NOW THE DOCTOR AND HIS DAUGHTER ARE DEAD

AND DRACULA JUST STARTS TO DRINK THE LORD’S BLOOD

Fake piotr then walks into the cabin and is like “wtf,” obviously, and then runs up to the deck and tells people, who are nailing pages of the bible to the deck

Oh no adisa’s sad! He’s crying no :,(

They’re all in the bible circle tho

Oookay so they were suspicious of piotr because last time drac took over harker’s body

So now they’re all telling fake piotr to step out of the circle and back in

Fake piotr does it and succeeds but then ofc fucking dracula appears. *eye roll*

So adisa was like hey what the fuck why is religion the only thing stopping dracula? This is bullshit

and adisa’s like drac you took the love of my life :((( no adisa he’s not worth it!!!

dracula’s taunting adisa to step out of the circle!!! Nooooo

NO HE STEPS OUT OF THE CIRCLE

ADISA SHOOTS DRACULA NO

NO DRACULA BITES ADISA!!!:((((

Fake piotr lunges at dracula but he throws him down and a barrel pops open

The captain comes at him too

they’re all fighting him!!!

They set him on fire! About fucking time

He jumps into the water

Okay this is making me nervous where did he go

Scene change! It’s morning and the sun is shining

“Where’s olgaren?” “cooking.” “just when you think you’re out of danger.”

Fake piotr sees a white bird with its head severed on deck :|

We’re in the hold now, and aggie is keeping watch on the crate of dirt. The cap comes down and talks to her

Oooh agatha’s saying that this ship must never reach england. we’ve got one lifeboat left, apparently, so i guess that works

She wants to blow a hole in the hull

NO AGATHA WANTS TO SINK WITH THE SHIP

NO I LOVE HER

SHE SAYS SHE’S GOING TO DIE ANYWAY BECAUSE THE VAMPIRE’S CURSE LIVES INSIDE OF HER

Awwwwwwwww cap’s giving her a hug :,(

I’m HEARTBROKEN!!!!! AGATHA IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

I kinda have a feeling she won’t die tho

Ew there’s a fly buzzing on a doll’s face. hm - totally unrelated, by the way i wonder what dracula is inhabiting

Okay the guys are all leaving the ship

Aggie’s praying down below but then she hears a noise and comes up to the cabins

oh fucking hell dracula’s coming

great. just fucking great

oh no it’s the cap! Cap stayed with her on the ship!

fuck is it dracula inhabitng his body?

Agatha just found that dracula put a ton of dirt under a bed and he just slept on that one :/

okay the cap went on deck and agatha followed him but drac killed him before she could do anything

drac’s like follow me, and walks off

Agatha looks at cap’s body and cap’s alive!!! And he goes keep him talking!

So agatha goes on deck with drac

Drac says how he got back on the ship, etc.

Cap’s climbing towards them! Go! I’m rooting for you!

Ookay they’re doing some menacing small talk, dracula’s lying, whatever

Yes!! Cap set the ship on fire!!

Drac’s about to drink agatha’s blood - agatha: “yes, go ahead. The last thing your eyes will ever see is the contempt in mine!”

He throws her down onto the deck + runs away to the hold

THE SHIP IS EXPLODING!

Agatha’s in the water! She’s drowning noooo

Convo between fake pietro + one handed guy: “They’re dead, then.” “yes.” “what now?” “we honour them.” “how?” “by telling their story.” :,(

huh - so marius (hmHMHM) is fake piotr’s real name

Okay no dracula swims to england (it’s not that far away)

HUH

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK?

NOW DRACULA’S IN ENGLAND AND A HELICOPTER ARRIVES??? AND A BUNCH OF MODERN CARS??? AND AGATHA VAN HELSING BUT SHE’S WEARING MODERN CLOTHES??

TO BE CONTINUED

WELL. that’s done i guess.

oh my god the wc on this thing is once again 2000. i don’t mean for this to happen i promise

IN CONCLUSION: the next episode had better be fucking good. I mean it, Gatiss. The ending was insane (i had to rewatch it to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating) and honestly? This REEKS of season 4 sherlock (or whichever season it was when everything went to shit). If they make this some kind of ridiculous future au i WILL die. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

(P.S. I will try to watch the next episode this weekend! so watch out for (more) deranged ranting.)

#bbc #bbc dracula #dracula #agatha van helsing #dr sharma #adisa #lord ruthven #captain sokolov #i think i am going to die #mine

22 notes · View notes

lesbooblur · 4 years

Text

i just hope you see me in a little better light

Word count: 1.8k

Pairings: Deceit Sanders/Creativity | Roman “Princey” Sanders, King Creativity/Deceit Sanders

Warnings: light angst, mentions of neglect sort of, low self esteem

Summary: In the beginning, Deceit was in love with Creativity. Remus immediately trusts him for a reason he can’t remember, and Roman, well Roman is so much like the king Deceit lost.

AN: i got very into sanders sides this week and cranked this baby out in a day. please enjoy and I will be back with more angst about this series I cannot stop thinking about the new episode. please come talk to me about sanders sides. I have nobody to talk to abt this and so many ideas. title is from "to be so lonely" by harry styles which is my absolute favorite song from the fine line album

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23992327

**SPOILERS FOR PUTTING OTHERS FIRST**

Before there was anyone else, there were Deceit and Morality. They didn’t have names back then, because Thomas hadn’t quite yet learned how to talk well enough for that. Deceit kept his hands and ambitions bare. He wanted so badly for Thomas to be someone important, to mean something in this world.

Morality had taken quite a shine to Thomas’ parents. He clung to their lessons, to their assurances that Thomas was a good kid. He watched Thomas’ brothers get scolded for breaking a window and trodding in the flowers in the yard. He was, in essence, developing a checklist of right and wrong.

(There was a third, but he didn’t leave the corner of Thomas’ mind. He used to show up a lot when Thomas was still a baby. He would never tell them what he wanted. Morality didn’t like him very much. He was just so loud.)

And then, when Thomas couldn’t have been much more than three years old, the others showed up.

Logic didn’t really like him, and he didn’t really like Logic. Logic tended to side with Morality more often than he dared to admit. He would claim that “no, Thomas shouldn’t seek revenge on that idiot who pushed him on the playground, because then he would get in trouble, and that would not be very beneficial to Thomas’ education,” but revenge sounded pretty logical to Deceit. You know, as long as they didn’t get caught.

But it’s fine, Deceit didn’t have to win this one. It’s just that he didn’t win any of them.

And then Creativity showed up.

He was just as wild as he was smart, and his wit made him fascinating to Deceit. Sure, Logic and Morality tolerated Deceit, but Creativity was the first one to ever choose Deceit’s company.

“Want to play ‘the floor is lava’ with us?” he had asked once. He only ever spoke in what Deceit would later learn is called the “royal we.” It had been a particularly taxing day for Deceit, as Thomas had spent over an hour deciding whether or not to tell his mom about the lamp he broke only to have Shea rat him out anyway (Deceit was on team “don’t tell.” Not that it mattered very much when he had both Logic and Morality against him. There were two people lurking in the corner. One of them, he found out later, called himself “Anxiety.” Deceit spent his energy deliberately not looking over there.) No one had ever asked Deceit to play a game before. At best, the others just sort of avoided him.

Creativity took him into a place called the Imagination, and it was beautiful. It was the oddest mix of serene and twisted. A divine balance.

Creativity was the best at bedtime stories. He could spin you a tale out of even the smallest hint of an idea. He came up with amazing villains and glorious heroes. Deceit always liked the stories best where the villain and the hero would fall in love and run away to live together.

Morality did not. Morality’s favorite stories were the ones where the good guy vanquished the bad guy. When Creativity told stories in the common room, they were always those ones. He always looked so disappointed by the end of it, though.

Creativity never asked Deceit for anything, so Deceit offered him the world.

“Run away with me,” he said one night. “We can go live in the Imagination together.” Thomas would have been about five.

“Deceit, they’re- We would love to, more than anything, but…”

He trailed off, brown eyes glancing back towards Deceit’s door. They were sitting in Deceit’s room drawing a story of a brave knight falling in love with the dragon he’s supposed to kill.

If Deceit was sad, only his brown eye showed it. The yellow one stared unblinking. Creativity focused on that one.

“They’re your friends,” Deceit said. “But what about me?”

“Of course you’re our friend! Why would you even-”

“It’s okay,” Deceit said. “Nobody around here likes me much anyway.”

“No, Deceit- We- Look,” he said, and grasped Deceit’s hands in his. His skin was warm against the yellow gloves. “Our name is Romulus.”

Deceit started. “Are we- We’re allowed to have names?” It was half a question and half a revelation.

“The others do,” Romulus said, voice soft and shameful.

They didn't tell Deceit, but that was just par for the course.

“Oh,” Deceit said. He felt the smallest he ever had. He wondered if it was possible to shrink down so small you vanish.

“Morality is Patton and Logic is Logan.”

“Oh,” Deceit parroted. So that is what being trusted felt like.

“You need one,” Romulus said, and it was not a question. It was a lifeline in a storm. “How about… Janus. God of crossroads and choices.”

“I love it,” Janus said, and he was not lying.

That night, Romulus vanished. Janus searched the Imagination for hours. All he found was a kid with bright red eyes dressed in green and black.

“Remus,” he said when Janus asked his name. Janus did not cry.

“Okay, Remus,” he said instead. “Let’s go home.”

Janus is not having the worst day ever. He’s not, and if you ask him he’ll tell you that. He just hasn’t left his room because… it’s too warm out.

Remus had left him a pile of stale cookies at the door. It was weird to have someone trust you so completely for no reason that they remember. Janus doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it.

So maybe it’s not the worst day ever, but it certainly is in the top three, because Janus had been working so hard to get Thomas to just go to that callback, and Roman just up and ruined the whole thing. Like he doesn’t know that it’s already exhausting to be around Roman due to the sheer similarities to Romulus. Which he actually doesn’t know. Remus may have inherited Romulus’ trust of Janus, but Roman inherited the bulk of the similarities. Roman has no trust of Janus.

And that’s fine, honestly, because Janus is not helplessly in love with Romulus. Which frankly, is stupid, because neither twin has the memories of Romulus or even the ability to become Romulus again, so Janus can just spend the rest of his life sulking and missing his friend. That’s cool.

Maybe it’s good that Roman hates him. It would be worse if he didn’t.

Virgil doesn’t trust him, which is fine with Janus. He gets it, he’s a handful, and not particularly easy to get along with, so Virgil can sit and sulk in the juror’s booth and pretend to be one of them. What are they calling themselves these days? Light sides?

He guesses Dark Side has kind of a cool ring to it.

Logan and Patton are the same. They remember him and remember hating him, but they haven’t really bothered to see how the past 25 years have changed him. That’s fine with Janus. He’s got all the friends he needs.

He has a family of his own now, after all. One of them still hides in the corner. That’s okay. He will show up on his own time.

Remus is a lovable handful. He still possesses all of the eccentricities of Romulus with very little of the personality. He’s made himself into something new. Janus can respect that.

It was Remus who was torn from Roman. It is Roman who maintains the essence of Romulus. It gets harder and harder for Janus to ignore that fact.

“I just love you, Roman,” he told Roman in the courtroom. When Roman had flushed red, Janus pretended it didn’t hurt.

It does.

The next time he sees Roman is worse. It is everything Janus secretly fears, because there is something close to recognition in Roman’s green eyes when Janus says his name. And then it’s gone, replaced by anger and scorn. When he leaves and Patton follows, Janus does not.

It’s better this way, he reminds himself. Janus is only a nuisance.

He didn’t expect Roman to end up at his door. He didn’t expect to ever see Roman again.

Roman’s cookies aren’t stale, and they have walnuts in them, which are Janus’ favorites. It’s silly that being with Roman feels like knowing you’re almost at the summit of the mountain.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me,” Roman says, green eyes staring down at Janus’ covered hands. “Ever. But I just wanted to bring you these. I’m so sorry, Janus.”

It’s a whisper, barely even that. A regret and a promise.

“Your brother is not a bad person, even if his cookies are stale. To call him evil, and to call you evil, that wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, Roman.”

The name feels weird in his mouth. They named Rome after Romulus, didn’t they?

“Can I come in?”

Janus hesitates for a while. No one except Remus and Virgil had ever been in there before.

“Yeah. You may not like what you find,” he says, cracking a smile.

He steps back, and Roman enters the room. It’s hauntingly familiar.

Roman takes a moment to look at the room. His eyes fall on the drawing tacked up to the wall. Any lines on the page are wobbly like they were drawn by someone young, but it’s clearly a prince and a dragon falling in love.

“Did you…?” Roman asks, and Janus understands the question anyway.

“And old friend,” he answers.

“It looks familiar,” Roman says, tilting his head to look at the picture.

“It shouldn’t,” Janus responds.

“Were you lying that day in the courtroom?” Roman asks.

“I lie a lot. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“About loving me.”

“Oh,” Janus says, and his mouth closes with a soft click. “Yes.”

“Oh,” Roman responds. “Okay. Wait, is that-”

“Half a lie,” Janus says. “I was in love with the person who drew that. Maybe I still am. He was the only person who ever listened to me.”

Roman studies the photo again. “Romulus,” he says, and it shakes Janus.

“I was one of the first sides to be born,” Janus says. “I remember the day you split.”

“Then you know who did it,” Roman says, but it’s more of a question than anything.

“No,” Janus lies. “I found Remus in the imagination shortly after.”

“I can’t be Romulus again, Janus,” Roman says, and now he’s looking at the side of Janus’ face that is facing him. Janus doesn’t have the strength to turn to meet his gaze.

“I know,” Janus says, and he’s not sure if it’s a lie.

“You’re in love with a ghost,” Roman says, and it stings in the way only the truth can.

“Yes,” Janus says, and it’s not a lie. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for.

“Tell me about him,” Roman says. “I’d love to hear.”

Janus tells him about Romulus. In exchange, Roman tells him a story about a handsome prince falling in love with the charming lawyer who dressed in yellow and black.

#my writing #fanfiction #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #janus sanders #remus sanders #deceit sanders #roman sanders #king creativity

1 note · View note

dungeons-and-danis · 5 years

Note

Oh, neat! If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet your players? I know you said at a convention, but i'm just wondering about the details. It's always nice to hear how dnd teams meet.

Well I have five players right now, and we’re all sort of connected in a way! This is gonna be a bit of a long one just becos i love them so much and i want yall to know the weird string of events that lead to us all playing dnd together lol. So you’re invited to visit my lil story time beneath the cut!

The first one of my players that I met was Taylor at an anime convention in like… 2013 or 2014 i think. We were around 14-15 years old at the time. I met her because I was the first person in my city’s cosplay community to cosplay titan annie from attack on titan (literally 2 weeks or so after the episode first came out) and all the AoT cosplayers literally flocked to me, including Taylor who was cosplaying Armin. We later followed each other on tumblr and started hanging out casually maybe a year later.

Then, I hung out with and became mildly acquainted with some of Taylor’s friends at another anime convention in maybe spring 2015 when I was cosplaying the witch from L4D. It was there that I met Tayler (yes we have a tayler and a taylor. yes they are two different people lol) amongst the group I was hanging out with. But we didn’t really talk that much after that.

In the summer of 2015, I met Sam at yet ANOTHER convention (i know… i was a con fiend back in my teens) where I was cosplaying Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon and Gogo from Big Hero Six, also met via Taylor. Again, we didn’t really talk that much at the time.

It was toward the end of 2015, during my senior year in high school where I was having an incredibly rough time emotionally and academically. The first girl I ever dated broke up with me, my friends were treating me poorly, and I was barely going to school. I was posting on my personal tumblr about how miserable I was, when Taylor sent me a text inviting me to her ugly-sweater-themed Christmas party.

I. Hated. Parties. I didn’t want to go at all because all I knew parties to be was obnoxious, loud, annoying, and full of boys who would hit on me. But my mom saw how much I was suffering and managed to convince me to go anyways. I was so nervous, but when I knocked on her door that night, I was invited into one of the most loving, caring, and kind friendship groups i’ve ever come to know. Taylor, Tayler, and Sam were there, as well as my other players Madisen and Christine who I met for the first time right there.

This party was like nothing I ever experienced, yall. These girls were so nice and kind and had similar worldviews as me. This was the first friend circle I ever had where almost everyone was gay like me as well. So that was a huge comfort after struggling with my sexuality in high school and feeling isolated. Ever since this party, we became the best of friends throughout the years.

Cut to spring of 2018 when I finally broke up with my last ex girlfriend. I was in a terrible mood and crying my eyes out, when Madisen and Taylor decided to come over and bring me some comfort and a shoulder to cry on. While we talked about my breakup and my feelings and all that sappy stuff, I remember seeing my little D&D starter set on my desk that I had gotten from Christmas a few months prior. And I’m not sure how, but I kind of just got around to mentioning how I wish I could still play dnd (cos i played it with my ex a lot) but that I had nobody to play with. And they were ON IT. They immediately said they’d LOVE to play a game DM’ed by me, which is something i’d also mentioned wanting to do previously. I texted our group chat to see if the rest of them would be interested, and they were all ecstatic about it. So give or take a couple months of preparation, and we finally started our first game in August of 2018 with Madisen, Tayler, Taylor, and Sam.

A few months later, Christine (who hadnt yet become SUPER close with our circle yet) came to me saying she’d really love to join our campaign and thus, I gave her a heroic entrance into our campaign on a night in which the rest of the players thought she was simply present to spectate. She also joined our group chat and we’ve all gotten to be closer than we ever were before.

All in all, I would give the world for my players who are also coincidentally my best friends. They make me so super happy and D&D has allowed us to bond even more than we once did. I love working closely with each one of them on their characters and also being able to incorporate my love of writing and fiction and share that joy with my best friends who react so wonderfully to my stories. It’s truly the biggest blessing thats ever been laid upon me. I thank the stars every day for my friends and for D&D!

TL;DR: I met most of my players through anime conventions, and became much closer to them after a christmas party in december of 2015. I love them more than anything and also im really sappy and gross abt it toward the end.

#asks #Anonymous #dnd #im a fucking SAP okay #i love my players sm

5 notes · View notes

valeriemperez · 6 years

Note

Filming update... Devoe's chair has been spotted at filming today so he's probably the "villain" the filming notice mentioned

Yup, since Barry was there but in his shiny Flash suit and not his “just got out of the speedforce” hair, I’m going to assume either he travels back in time to stop the bus metas from being created or else he is in some kind of mind-battle with the Thinker where he has to metaphorically save the bus metas (in the mindscape) in order to win in real life.

This might be a dumb question but I’m so confused, how can Barry be in the flashback scene of the bus metas when he was just coming out of the speedforce at that time? Is Barry in DeVoe’s mind & this is a weird time dimensional flashback? Your thoughts?

I think either he’s in Devoe’s mind and the bus is where the metas are located “inside” of him, if you will, or else he straight up goes back in time to stop Devoe from ever getting them.

Hartley’s back in van! he could be there for the flashback scene in the finale, but i still predict there’s a way to resurrect him from DeVoe, so that he’s not really dead, just stuck inside him or something

I definitely think he’s back for the flashback, but I agree with you that they will probably find a way to save Ralph in the end. I just hope he says thank you and leaves. I really can’t handle him staying another season.

Can you remind me what episode CP said that Iris would be using journalism to help defeat Devoe? Was it episode 21?

Episode 21!

@backtothestart02 said:

Devoe keeps talking abt how whatever body he’s in can’t handle the multiple consciousnesses (lol) that have already been consumed. Do you think that’s why he might try to take over Barry’s in the finale? He thinks Barry’s body could handle it? (Side note: would be cool to see Grant portray the villain briefly again! He did amazing things w/ Savitar & the Flash writers know what a gem they have in him acting-wise.)

That’s a definite possibility, and I think Grant would have fun with that!

Looks like Devoe and Barry (+ his stunt double) are at the bus scene today. Given that it’s a flashback scene though, I’m curious as to why and how Barry is there. Did they time travel to stop it or so Devoe could taunt Barry with it? Were they somehow both there the whole time? Is it just a vision or a vibe or something?

We have no way of knowing, but time travel or a mindscape fight are most likely.

Devoe and Barry have been spotted filming at the bus sequence. No sign of Mystery Girl yet.

Yeah, doesn’t sound like she is in this scene. Or at least not this part of it.

I saw some of the pap shots from the shoot today and if it is a flashback with the bus metas why didn’t I see anyone else there besides Barry & DeVoe, especially Ralph? The photographer didn’t mention anyone else being there. Could the description of the scene be wrong as a way to throw viewers off & not ruin the finale?

They were probably just shooting exteriors, meaning that we see Barry and Devoe fighting outside the bus, and then a different day they film what’s happening inside the bus. Most likely on a closed set. They usually don’t lie about the scene on those filming notices because people need to be aware of what’s going on so they don’t mistake things and complain or call the cops or whatever, haha.

I just realized something.. Maybe Harry becomes evil because of the Cerebral Inhibitor & that’s why Dawn (if it’s her) gave him that “ I really don’t like you” look when she first met him, I can’t explain why she gave that look to Caitlin though.

That’s a definite possibility. Also, since Thinker absorbs life force energy and Caitlin has two of those, maybe he steals one and Dawn doesn’t like the other one lmao. Or her face was more steely determination to prevent that from happening.

After KJ Apa’s car accident last year, cast and crew should have drivers. I know it could be expensive but safety should come first.

Totally agree!

In the preview for next weeks TF,is that the samuroid I see Joe fighting with?

Yup! I think they infiltrate Devoe’s lair, so maybe some of his toys come back to fight them lol.

Did you know that people are spreading around that Candice is sleeping with Hartley now? Wow, I can’t believe these nuts think the only way she could still be on the show is if she’s sleeping with everyone, including every new guy that shows up on the show. And I have not seen the same hate towards any other woman associated with the show. This is beyond ridiculous now.

Seriously? Who is spreading that and what’s the point? If she and Hartley were somehow together, it would be nobody’s business and have literally nothing to do with her story or position on the show. LMAO, like, who is Hartley? What power does he have? That’s absolutely ludicrous.

#the flash #the flash spoilers #backtothestart02 #anonymous #tatiana's thoughts #more asks under the cut #long post for ts

24 notes · View notes

survivorgalaxysedge · 3 years

Text

Episode 10 | Girl I Hope They Don’t Vote You Out - Jay

youtube

Just watched Mamma Mia, it was pretty good.

I decided my last confessional probably needed context so here it is: a certain someone got removed from the game and to take place of the live immunity we just watched Mamma Mia on zoom. Honestly my favorite part of this game so far. Meryl Steep is out of this world! Can't wait to watch the sequel.

youtube

so here's what i have decided. i have not dm'd a single person minus zoe since like 2 rounds ago and that's ok. bc i will not be winning this game. what i WILL be doing is sitting around and letting ppl use me for strategy. whether that's voting me out tonight or dragging me to Whatever place, i'm just gonna let it happen. if anyone Does approach me about the vote then i'll listen and go from there, but i'm just here to make sure the ppl i like have a funky fresh time and thats abt it

So a lot has gone down in the game and I’m basically sure I’m going to lose which sucks But I still have my idol Also nobody is talking about the vote so that’s always fun haha no it really isn’t So I guess we will see what happens at tribal I also don’t know if I’ve got all my oxygen but I hope I do Anyways yeah

https://youtu.be/cLRqH3Vq0MI

What part of I'm not voting asya do you fuckers not get

https://youtu.be/cLRqH3Vq0MI

Sorry I haven't made a confessional at all for this giant round, but I've been a little busy in my personal life. But here we are, an hour before tribal, ready to recap the last week! So I figure I should start with explaining my decisions for the Jules tribal, which feels forever ago at this point. So leading up to that tribal I was ready to turn on Nathan, I was laying the groundwork with Zoe that I hated this whole "us vs. them" thing that was happening, and I solidified a F2 with Cindi with the plan to probably vote Nathan that night. But when I got home from work, Cindi and Zach approached me about this plan that was WAYYYY beyond cracked. Basically they wanted to tie it by having Me/Cindi/Jessie/Nathan vote Jules, Jules/Asya/Zoe/Jonathan vote Nathan, and Zach vote Cindi so Nathan would peek at Zach's vote, assume the votes were going to Cindi and idol her. He also planned on using his idol nullifier on Jules, essentially flushing all of his advantages. At first they wanted to just see Nathan squirm but keep him in the game, but it started going back and forth between keeping him or keeping Jules. It was here where I realized that it HAD to be Jules getting voted out, at least for my own sake. If Nathan lost all his advantages and was almost voted out, he'd have no one to turn to but me, Jessie, and Cindi, and I'd of course keep him from targeting Zach. I explained this to Zach and he understood, but Cindi didn't really seem too enthused. She started to be noncommittal and I was like, she's gonna vote for Nathan isn't she. And lo and behold, that's EXACTLY what she did. During the 3 minute voting period, she messaged me and Zach and said she couldn't do it and she's voting Nathan. And I proved my last confessional right, because in the midst of chaos, I did what was best for ME. I didn't give in to the pressure to just be safe and pick up the pieces later, no I needed Nathan to stay. So I told him despite what he sees from Zach's vote, that he has to play his idol on himself. He listened to me and that was that. Jules was gone, Nathan stayed and felt betrayed by everyone but me and Jessie, and Cindi's plan went up in smoke. Once the dust settled after Asya called us out, I went straight to Zoe and told her that I wanted to work with her. Without me even having to say anything, she agreed and said it should be us/Zach/Jonathan. And with that I had that alliance, an alliance with Nathan and Jessie, and I'm feeling secure. Nathan getting removed the next day really sucked bc I knew I had his loyalty on lock, but it's Survivor, you have to adapt to whatever gets thrown your way. Now I have my 4 person alliance, I have Jessie on the side with an idol that she's either playing tonight, bringing to F6, or willing to me if she's voted out. I have a strong partnership with Zach that we established immediately after the Jules vote. If things go the way they seem to be going tonight, then I feel really well set up for the end game. But as with every tribal, I don't feel safe. The people left are really strong and smart players, and some are crackedt out of their minds as well, so I can't underestimate anyone. I'm hoping I get to live to see another day in space.

Me when jessie loses her shards LMAO girl i hope they don't vote you out tonight jdjkldfsjlsdf

been tryin to find that damn idol but cannot bc jess is evil. no tribal talk happened until late and it was started by me which makes me nervous but idk. tonight my four of jonathan jay and zach are probably voting asya and cindi and asya were told to vote for jessie when cindi asked me. could be a huge plot but we'll see i guess! hopefully jessie plays her idol and flushes it. who knows okay good night

#toinfinityandsurvive

0 notes

bigbrotherfiore · 4 years

Photo

episode four: “power gets you got, so i just need to survive” - elise

hoh: rich

evicted: brianna

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/YnRbNjQQLns

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/Xs-EwM8N1e4

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/LBES8nSlqN8

RICH: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Oxy39TIAllP-l-lh_xgrqva8So7r-tK0/view?usp=drivesdk

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/QbtU7qP1eBI

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/LBES8nSlqN8

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/_XB2DbrrIY8

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sop4L3aZOWU

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoshRaBKm80&feature=youtu.be

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZNAeadCgZc

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh_vEZFbNgU

MIKKI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLb_hymcZw

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/KlJC100xcQM

AMANDA: https://youtu.be/jgNo5u4oN3s

i’m super nervous after the jared eviction. i don’t want to win hoh but i’m also scared rich or daly will win or even mazden could win. i just want brianna or sara or elise or mikki or lana or jakey to get it because those are the people i trust the most but if i got it SOMEHOW since i did not write any useful information i would probably put up mazden and rich because i talk to him the least and i feel like he’s super shady. i don’t know. maybe not mazden but i don’t know i’m SCARED i’m terrified

I literally only talk to him about what we eat in a day sooooooooo anyways

THE MARCHING BAND JUST DID THAT. We have now won 3/4 HOH Competitions this season!!!

ok so rich wants to work together now that jared is gone. i love jared from the bottom of my heart but fuck it might benefit me now that he's gone and there aren't rumours. hes gonna nom potentially lana and brianna, unfortunate for me because nfps but she might win veto again. also people know im close with mikki, gotta stop stanning taylor swift in the VC clearly... thats all rn because im slacking on these and i cba to record

I can honestly say that I have not felt nervous at all in this game to date. I won the first HOH, Sara won HOH #2, Szymon won HOH #3, and Rich just won tonight's HOH. Obviously Sara and Rich are in The Marching Band Alliance and Szymon and I have a tight duo alliance so it is really nice to just sit back and relax 1/4 into the game. I also think I have been able to lay low after my 1st HOH run and allow other targets to begin to emerge! HAHA I love this game!

So Addilyn connected the dots that me and Daly are both from Manitoba and that kinda scares me. She is the only one besides Sara who would know how close we live because she also happens to be from Canada as well... Hopefully she doesn't catch on too well and pin us as a duo

im so fucked i'm literally so fucked. the ONE person i didn't want to win HOH won it. THE. ONE. PERSON. i'm going up and i'm the target. i don't talk to him like, at all. i hate this timeline i hate it i hate it please someone take me out of here. i'm probably gonna go up next to mikki (my CLOSEST ALLY) and go home and im so fucking scared of that. im so scared of rich i hate how he's playing this game that little snake is playing a game that is threatening to mine and i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. this game sucks i hate it (i love u hosts im just irritated) - made 9:27 pm, outdated, will see if anything changes

I am good with Rich winning HOH, he totally deserved it and I'm happy for him. I feel safe with him, and he reassured me that I was going to be safe. So I am going to see just how honest he was with me. I honestly have a good feeling about him, and I like him. What I'm not happy about is people throwing my name out there for him to put up as a pawn...NO MA'AM, PAM, OR SAM!!! I am nobody's pawn, and I WILL remember who said it! I would have to say that I am closest to Jakey and Szymon in this game. I trust them the most and we have the JLS Alliance and hopefully we can ride this out to the end! I also like Amanda, she is someone I would like to keep close. Other than that, I am loving this game. A little chaotic at times, but I can handle it. That's that on that for now! Peace out!✌🏾

Jared is gone, Jared who I genuinely love so much he's amazing and it fucking SUCKS and what sucks worse is that it's probably better for my game because I have options now that people aren't lumping me in with him as a duo. Worse news, looks like Mikki and Brianna will be on the block this week and that puts Mikki in SO much danger. Mikki who I really am coming to trust right but am being named as close with her. Can people stop labelling me as part of duos or... kthx. Anyway, Mikki better stay because it'd be nice to have someone I can trust. Szymon and Sara seem somewhat distant so I'm not sure how much I can trust them right now, especially after I tried to save Jared. Daly and I are closing in on a bond in the absence of Jared and I hope that fares me well. My problem really is that I think a lot of my connections are on the table. I've been working on getting closer to people but with some of the guys it's kinda hard so!!! we'll see. I've been swinging the birthday twin angle with Addilyn so let's see how that pans out!! I'm really not getting much info so then I don't have much info to give so nobody wants to give me any. It's a long long cycle. But with Mikki in danger I did casually be like "why are people so mad abt people who've played other games, like szymon has won survivor and ferg has won the challenge a couple times?" just to really get that out there and for it to come from Mikki, not me :). Byeeeeeee I'm so done with this if Mikki goes here. I don't want to have to shuffle into working with the men but I might have to. I wanna crack their alliance open but I don't want to be a big target this early, annoying. Rich told me that he felt good with me now that Jared's gone but didn't tell me the real noms until today (told me Bri/Lana but it's Bri/Mikki) so yay fuck that shit everyone else has a closest ally/allies and mine are all LEAVING ok thats enough of that tantrum. I'll figure something out it's just awkward as hell because I'm not entirely sure how to push a vote in a smart way. I have a couple ideas of HOW but not how to do it subtlely. I'm still trying to avoid making enemies because when it comes down to it, I need to be safe from the block more than I need a ghost of power in this game. power gets you got, so i just need to survive.

I am sooo excited rich is HOH. I kind of went underground for a few days and forgot about DRs. Austin solidified a group with Ferg, Szymon, himself, and I while Szymon was in power. I really like that group too. I’ll do what I can to keep them safe. I feel like I’m connecting with everyone??? I mean, I’m not oblivious...I know some probably don’t like me, but I think I’m talking to everybody. Jared went home. He almost didn’t because of an emotional house meeting... the girls literally debated flipping a coin?? Mazden was on the block again but nowhere to be found. Shes Sade again but old what she is thinking. I prepped a google doc for the last hoh for like 5 hours I’m SO glad rich won. I also tried by best just in case but he kicked butt!! I talked to Amanda on the phone last night for an hour and we really connected. She’s super easy to talk to. I’m worried about Austin but we will see what comes of it in the days to come. I LOVE my groups. Rich and Sara are amazing. Szymon is so caring, and ferg is definitely putting effort in to our relationship. I’m happy because I feel like I’m doing okay! Rich joked that we are the evil alliance of the season and I just hope he’s wrong tbh... I never wanted to be the bad guy, I’ve always thought I was an underdog 😳. Sarah thanked me for putting the group together and I’m really grateful we made it. Power 3/4 times??? It’s my turn next, I really don’t wanna let them down.

My issue with trusting Mikki was never that I truly thought she was untrustworthy. I think it was apparent from the moment Mikki would only vote for Mazden in Week 1 because she wanted to be good to Celina showed that she's loyal. I was so worried her loyalty didn't lie with me, though, and now that I've realised Mikki is a great ally, she's on the bloody block. I'm a fucking idiot. Watch me lose two great allies in a row UGH.

UGH I so could have won that POV comp but of course I made a huge mistake on my submission. I could have gotten under 4 minutes... At the same time it isn't the worst thing because I would want to use it on Mikki but Rich would be absolutely pissed if I did.

It is crucial for my game for Brianna to go this week. I am getting to the point where I do not feel like anyone left in the game would nominate me based on the relationships I have built since Day 1. I do not think it would be in my best interest to win this HOH tomorrow because I genuinely wouldn't have 2 nominees that are not working with me (except maybe Mazden/Lana)

I am feeling sooooooo conflicted. Like I wanna win hoh tomorrow...but I have absolutely NO idea who I’d nominate. Austin keeps pointing out that I’m the only person (in both of our alliances) who hasn’t won anything. But is winning really good for my game at this point?? Also, either Austin is a closet asshole to all, or he’s just really comfortable with me. He says a lot of mean things.. 😒 “you’re my little pawn who can never win a comp” ...all jokes aside...ouch.. while he’s out here telling me winning isn’t good. I like him a lot, and he tells me all the time that I’m his #1 and I do believe him because he’s putting in a lot of work with me. BUT, I think he’s getting too comfortable. He needs to step up, try to have genuine conversations, and be nice to me because I’m fragile 😂 I’m gonna try for hoh tomorrow. Then I’ll have to think about who I nominate. I actually have no clue but it’s whatever. Daly wants to talk on the phone tomorrow and I need to be super careful what I say to him. Honestly, if I won I’d love to nominate him just to shake things up and step away from the “sides” but whatever, I truly don’t think I’d make it far if I did. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING. I’m annoyed at everything. And I feel really bad that I’ve basically stepped out on my f2 with rich from night one. I fucking love him. And if it came down to him, Austin, and I in final three I guess I don’t really know what I’d do. It’s easy to say Austin because we talk constantly. But rich is nice and genuine with me. AND I believe he’s fiercely loyal. And I think if it came down to it Austin would cut me to win. The more and more we talk he’s getting comfortable and he’s playing ruthless. ...and that scares me...

LMAO not haley lying to me about not talking to Austin or ferg much when I know they're in an alliance together and her and Austin make it SO obvious that they are a duo. I can't help but laugh. it's cute how they think they are slick when they are literally MESSAGING ME THE SAME TIME, and like start messaging me after the other and then end at the same time it's just.....so obvious. like guys please try harder???? if you wanna be a secret duo keep it more secret??? you're literally in an alliance together I- and I know about it because you're aligned with MY secret duo. ahhhhh how cute of you to try how cute how cute. I'm so bitter and over these people like so over it every single thing out of haley and Austins mouths is FAKE and they think they are being so great at playing people but I'm sitting here playing them back it's so exhausting keeping up a fake conversation. the sad thing is I think I would love haley outside of this game. but in it she annoys the crap out of me because she's sooooo fake and boring. I'm over it.

we hate it here

Click HERE to see the Goodbye Messages for Brianna.

youtube

#bbfiore #episodes

0 notes

bootisimo · 7 years

Text

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!!

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen)

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way.

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

#personal #really fucking personal #also very voluminous personal jfc #i just spent 40min typing this instead of doing math homework #nice

2 notes · View notes

mc-dankenstein · 5 years

Text

yup here’s another vent post it’s not really like last time where i was basically in the middle of a fucking breakdown but there’s just too much pent up shit i need to figure out and deal with and i feel like i’m going insane?? uni is literally sucking my will to live from me. or, well, what was left of it i guess. like, i knew it was gonna be bad, but it’s just so much worse than i could’ve ever imagined?? btw this is just gonna be me dumping out all of my stupid problems and pretending they’re valid when in reality they’re just so insignificant compared to what so many people are going through so please just stop reading, i’m not in the mood for sympathy or ppl trying to “make it better”, i know your intentions might be in the right place cause i truly have found some wonderful friends here who i know care abt me, but i cannot find it in me to try and pretend something’s better because of our conversation rn, nor do i have the strenght or the time to actively try and make it better myself. i’m just ranting to get this shit out. of. my. system. bc i feel as if i’m gonna explode otherwise. things are not good. i’ve been crying a lot more and a lot more frequently again, i’ve been having attacks and i’m once again feeling super fucking anxious all the time. i can’t talk to my family about it, i can’t talk to my friends about it, bc the result is always either them telling me “it’s normal” or me bursting into tears out of fucking nowhere and i can’t let them see that. ive been studying nonstop for months now to the point where i can’t sleep properly anymore cause the only things going through my brain are a countdown to my next exam i’m probably not gonna pass and the thought i could at least use the time i’m wasting by trying to sleep to study more. and like everybody’s been telling me it’s okay, no one passes exams on their first year anyway, but we all know that’s not true. even my mom’s been trying to be supportive in her own way but i know it’s just her trying to make me feel better when she’s actually so fucking disappointed in me, she’s always been, especially since i started manifesting all my stupid anxiety symptoms i’d been trying to hide for so long, even if she tries not to show it i know i’m just a disappointment to her. she’s been calling me to ask me how i’m doing and to tell me to relax a bit in between study sessions and each and every time i’ve been on the verge of tears and i had to try and calm my sobs so that she won’t hear them through the phone. it just hurts so fucking much to be so far from what she’d deserve from me, and it hurts to be back to square one after literally everybody told me about how much i’d changed and how much better i seemed to be doing, how much more confident and strong i looked and i feel like a fucking moron for allowing myself to believe what they said. for a while i actually thought “y’know what? i actually am doing better” and yet here i am now, studying my best years away and not even getting any actual results from that other than frustration, anger and disappointment, i still have not passed a single goddamned exam and everybody around me feels like i’m stable enough to carry all of their emotional luggage as well as mine. and i feel like shit about phrasing that last one that way bc it seems like i’m not a supportive friend who only wants to see the people i care about thrive and be well when i like to think i am. this has been such a shit year, right from the start. and it still makes me sick that i wasn’t there for all of them when they needed me the most. in the span of less than two months my new uni friend, the only person i feel like i’ve connected with since i moved to the other side of the fucking country, has been opening up to me about her own anxiety problems, her bad relationship with her family and the fact that uni gave her panic attacks for the first time in her life; one of my best friends from home told me she attempted suicide, and i still can’t think about that without blaming myself for disappearing bc my brain just couldn’t handle shit then and i needed some time off from people in general, so i didn’t text her, i didn’t call her, we just briefly saw each other when i came home for less than a week in may and then a whole week of silence. i KNEW her past experiences, i KNEW she’d been having a lot of issues with depressive episodes and i KNEW she needed me and yet i did the asshole thing and just couldn’t pick up the fucking phone to send her a single text cause i couldn’t handle a conversation with another human being when i was about to shut down completely, and i didn’t know anything about what happened until i finally did text her a week later abt some stupid shit i’d seen on youtube and she told me everything got so bad that she tried to drink bleach and end it all. i would’ve been too late and i didn’t even realize. if she succeeded i would’ve sent that text and nobody would’ve answered. and i’ve been trying to react in the way i think is best for her, and she says i’m really helping bc i know how she feels and what she’s going through, but in reality i honestly don’t know what i’m doing and she’s the second person i know other than me who’s been suicidal, and she’s the second person i’m so terrified to talk to sometimes, even though i know from my own experience they need to have someone who cares about them to reassure them and just be there, because i’m scared shitless i’ll say something and fuck everything up and make it worse for them. i talk to them like i’m so strong since i’ve been through the same things and put up this mask of someone who’s actually better now, but i actually sincerely and honestly have no idea how to handle the situation. and then there’s my other best friend who i honestly have been treating like shit. she’s going through so much and i’ve been so distant and she doesn’t deserve that. even typing this out is exhausting and it’s making me feel so fucking guilty bc i have another exam tomorrow and i should be studying instead, and everyone keeps telling me “just relax, you’ve done enough” or “it doesn’t really matter wheter you pass it or not” except that it does. it does for my mom, it does matter because it would prove that i’m not really wasting my time and my parent’s money to be in a university where i so clearly don’t belong, it does because every time i’ve tried i’ve gotten so frustratingly close to passing that now i’m just fucking angry. i think i had a train of thought i wanted to follow in the beginning but now idk anymore and i’m tired and angry and i seriously need to go study so fuck it, i’ll leave it at this.

#personal #vent post

0 notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

Text

if you were around for the pre-end-of-mh days you might remember times i like to talk to myself extensively, pointlessly, and dumbassedly about my own thoughts, which go nowhere and solve nothing. literally ignore me, talking about bring me the spider cup, i wanna prank crimmins natcho. my proclivity towards trying to figure out mysteries is matched only by my total inability to do so.

firstly i was like ok, this doesn’t necessarily mean eno knows who this guy is, which i think is true but unlikely. he’s probably met him before and while i think it would be funny if this is all some roundabout unnecessary revenge scheme by someone who considers eno his rival, i’d think it was more likely eno was kind of in a position like wallace where maybe they just worked in the same place. (sidenote: he is so clearly evil how do people share an office with him. please fix this mess jerry)

becoz the thing is it was a bit strange eno said he couldnt take a client via a social workers request with the reasoning that he’d left that life behind him? because he is a therapist now after all. but it would make more sense if he used to maybe be associated with / work for a company like that. i dont even know anything about privatised versions of social work but maybe it could work like that. and maybe he worked with crimcrom because sure, maybe crimmins just murdered his way into head of a company or other unsavory methods, and/or maybe also he has actual experience in the field. because maybe he was working at the same place as eno?

because honestly if i was going to take a very vague guess of where the social work is involved here, its that if youre going to do terrible dangerous medical experiments on people, you take people who have connections without the wealth/time/stability to investigate or else just people who wont be missed at all. people whose debilitating struggles and unstable situations you actually have documentation of. and it does seem like everyone with someone missing was relying on kent and co. to find them, because they couldnt themselves, because their sibling/whomever had been targeted for that exact reason, that their family/friends wouldnt have the means to find them. probably this has been going on for a while and most people are just killed and those who arent are kinda just chucked out somewhere to be found by whoever

anyways, the thing with eno, the idea he was working with/for a company earlier is a bit confusing too because its confusing that kent and yumi were killed but eno wasnt? theres the chance that the attempt simply failed, but i had thought that maybe because eno wasnt the semi-public face of the effort like kent was or an official worker like yumi, maybe nobody who put the hit out knew he was even involved. but since im guessing we’re guessing crimmins was directly/indirectly involved in the Day Of Murder and he knows about eno, thats not true……but then its a bit fuzzier why eno wasnt killed if he wasnt just helping out as a friend but sort of associated with his work, like yumi was. maybe it was part of a longer con, like as might be made clearer soonish. because unfortunately i really doubt crim would show his hand like this if he wasnt secure in everything favoring his schemes currently

it also makes sense that eno had been in a position like yumi’s because im also assuming eno thinks its his own files that someone had got hold of. cuz if yumi and kent had the same papers, surely eno did too. and if he was just keeping them to himself it would be one thing but if he was using them with his work like yumi was, then maybe it happened like he said it did only with his file/company in place of yumi’s. which makes sense coz of why he is so uncomfortable and why he was so surprised about it. probably he didnt suppose it had happened until kip said it did, and he suspects it was on his end that it happened but doesnt want to say it because its unpleasant and because he doesnt want to say it to kip.

i was hoping that gayness would be the wrench in the gears aka kip wasnt supposed to learn of the link between kents files and wallaces, but maybe he actually absolutely was? it would make sense why crimmins was so keen to make sure wallace got kip to work with him. because unless it is remarkably nuanced i doubt part of his plan involves trying to get wallace to directly harm anyone, cuz obvs he wouldnt, he is just motivated to not get fired and hopefully do good work. but it seems like a safe guess that kip would see wallaces papers even though kip really should be getting paid for this, and maybe crimmins was assuming that kip had already seen kents file? because if he had worked with eno and gotten his files, he would basically know what must be in kents files. and it apparently wasnt a secret that the files had made it out of the fire with kip

but its a hell of a con because its like, it seemed like a bonus that kip realized the coincidence, because why would crimmins want kip to suspect that wallace is somehow connected with the scheme that kent was investigating / his family and yumi were killed for? but apparently he could guess that kip would meet with eno about it, because i guess he’s tracking one or both of them. speaking of, im hoping that kip hasnt just gotten jumped. im sure its a concern on the best of days that eno told him to be safe, but it seems ominous

just like it seemed ominous when kip told wallace he trusts eno more than anyone. wallace sure learned a lot in those couple of days, namely: he already knows where kip lives exactly and who with and that they are good friends (not sure how coincidental it is that they live in the exact same building, maybe its just convenient), who kip’s ex-boyfriend is and where he works and who he works with and that he and kip have Strong Feelings for each other, who kip’s therapist is and that he sees him once a week and is a old and close friend whom kip trusts above all others, and i’m sure wallace has been able to pick up that kip has a dead brother and theres a story behind it and its a touchy subject. i mean, that’s mostly completely irrelevant info to put into a report, but maybe not if it was relevant to mention that he was working with kip since after all his boss had told him to. but probably crimmins was guessing that if wallace was making headway at all, he had got hold of kip. and since apparently he has eyes on people, that helps too. fix it jerry

im not thinking that its ominous that kip trusts eno so much because he shouldnt or because eno has been lying all along or something—like, if eno suspects himself for being involved in something now, im supposing he hadnt thought so before or hadnt considered it mattered because everything about how everything happened was moot because nobody was going to be continuing the matter and everyone was leading totally different lives. and as for currently, its not like i think eno is like, having the past catch up with him aka he’s betrayed kip or anyones trust before. i mean maybe eno has some totally unrelated dark secret that can be held over him, but even then i doubt that it would be anything where he would be forced to do something to endanger kip to protect himself. rather, i’d guess he might be given more of a non-choice in which he has to do something that will endanger kip because the threat is of causing kip immediate harm. what seems worst is that crimmins is really showing his hand early here maybe, or anyways, he thinks that theres no possible way for eno to prevent whatever crim wants to have happen. which is like, bad

and if he knows how much kip trusts eno, which he probably does, thats bad too…

if wallaces only purpose though was to show kip the files he had, that also has to mean rousing kip’s suspicion…..also, if kip had known about kents files before he’d seen wallace’s, wouldnt he potentially be immediately suspicious enough of wallace to cut off ties with him? maybe that doesn’t matter idk. b/c tbh it seems like theres only so much you can do w/ wallace while preserving his “unwitting involvement in an evil scheme” status, you cant ask him to do anything non-job related. unless his reports are doubling as surveillance or something. but he wouldnt do anything he thought was harmful or over his bounds. even asking him to get kip involved was weird, but at least crim seemed to accurately count on wallace caring too much abt his job to object with stuff rather than simply doing what he had to to keep it

like, clearly something about kip is important to crim’s schemes but how could i guess what. because im guessing we dont have enough information yet, but even if you gave me the info we have now and told me to fill in the blanks however i wanted, i couldnt come up with anything. im really really dumb as hell and not creative enough to take the ventures required to come up with accurate theories. but ok, medical experiments, it could just be anti-monster, but it could also be pro-human which happens to be anti-monster aka more exploitative. cuz it doesnt seem like theyre “Kill All Monsters” as much as “its fine if monsters die but if theyre alive we’ll just dump them somewhere because we just literally assign them no value unless somehow they’re useful towards whatever’s going on here.”

coz kip has two powers: 1) he’s a beloved semipublic figure, and 2) ice and he’s cold

and he has one majorly exploitable weakness in that he’s very afraid for his surrogate family, generally more scared than the average person of being murdered horribly, and knows he has good reasons for that and also trauma

but it seems like if crim wanted to get hold of kip by threatening his loved ones, he could do that at any time? why would wallace need to be involved at all; he wouldnt. why does he need to tip kip off about his own schemes. why did he need to wait five years? why has there been this five year gap? simply development of the mystery scheme? or is it because kip has moved back to c and/or because kip is a semi-public figure again

coz reading between the lines but im supposing that kip had earnestly and strongly intended to follow in kent’s footsteps but was presumably discouraged from this when his family was murdered. but even tho he only told wallace about moving back to c because roy and molly missed it, in the intervention that gets sprung on him and other hints, it sounds like kip still considers himself dedicated to helping people like kent did, which is what his sjw blog is, but he’s majorly aware of the danger of that and unwilling to get anyone killed this time, which is a major limitation, seeing as that happened to him before and everyone is disappeared all the time w/o repercussion. except the repercussion of one tiny group of people who look into it and get murdered, except for eno

but also kip must not have been doing any Helping The Public stuff before he moved to C, because when he says he has to help wallace to justify having thrown so much away, and considering how he’d lost so much in the fire, presumably what he’s thrown away is his life with pascal. im guessing he couldnt have made roy and molly split from him even if he tried, but pascal apparently could be parted from. for like a week, but whatever. he’d been dating pascal before the fire, but if he hadnt been involved in any position of openly helping monsters before the fire and hadnt before moving back to C, that explains why he tried to convince pascal not to go with them.

anyways, uh, see ive lost track of what i was saying. that, while kip is so afraid for the safety of those too close to him, he can also be pressured into a riskier position. but thats by his friends and himself. but maybe if he’s going to be given false information he thinks is from eno, he could do other risky things too. cuz i doubt theres any real protection, as if kent and yumi and eno werent trying to be safe. im guessing kip’s just trying to keep his head down and his cards close to his chest. its frustrating because technically he was right to be immediately suspicious of wallace to the point of associating him with the death of his family and being afraid of helping wallace, but not because wallace’s personal intentions arent good. but still its going to be really awkward if kip gets an idea of what wallace is associated with. cuz its an extremely delicate process that would allow wallace to figure out what was going on and break the news to kip and have kip trust him, so delicate that i doubt it exists and anyways the odds are not in its favor. but its frustrating because i want people to not be friends and not feel betrayed by their bosses and each other and even better, to be friends working together to resolve murders and an evil scheme

anyways. what does crim need from kip. stuff he knows? i doubt he’s trying to corrupt kip’s blog, or otherwise exploit the fact that kip’s probably a trusted community figure. for starters, crim’s already been getting away completely with abduction, murder, arson, etc, for years. unless theres some new Phase of the plan that requires something new. but again, it seems like a big ol coincidence that kip and co moved to C five months before wallace was moved into their exact building with the goal of getting involved with kip, tho wallace obviously doesnt know about all that stuff yet. why does it matter that kips in C. did crim not know where he was prior? did he need kip to be involved in the public sphere so that he could catch hold of him by sending out a social worker too naive and earnest to focus on the suspicious evilness of his new boss? did he just not need kip yet???

it seems strange to consider that crim could like, blackmail or threaten either kip or eno longterm. like, is he about to make a move here. because yeah they both have reasons to be extremely protective of people, which can be leveraged. but like wallace, i dunno how far they could be pushed with doing anything obviously harmful, or doing anything for anyone so obviously evilly motivated. or how long such a chokehold could be maintained. eno being threatened with kip’s wellbeing and being pressured into manipulating kip in one way or another is one thing, and even then how could he be threatened more than once. how could he be expected not to do something to warn someone if the pressing is let up for even a moment? is the point to abduct eno maybe and make kip feel even more afraid, because that would probably admittedly be super effective, but i imagine kip would just withdraw completely from things like being involved with wallace, blogging, etc. but to try to coerce kip into doing something by threatening multiple people is trickier, and what could kip do?

the thing is that i could see kip as being targeted for the ice thing, because thats another coincidence, that he has a really strong ability that seems pretty unusual even for monsters. like, freezing freshly brewed hot tea in a few seconds is really something. and i’m supposing he survived the fire by freezing himself / ice protection, which is really really something. and maybe the fact that he’s also an sjw who’s always scared that someones going to get hurt or killed is just a way to get to him. coz maybe, even probably, kip wasnt supposed to survive the fire, but just be another casualty because crim and co do not give a shit about bothering to spare any monsters life. but the fact that he did, using ice, and that he had his brothers files, all probably wasnt a secret. i mean, the surviving and the files part definitely wasnt, but just knowing the place was on fire and he survived ok probs implies that he had the ability to protect himself somehow, and thats a really impressive ability

so like maybe whatever traits theyre looking for makes kip the ideal target. maybe for once they felt like they couldnt just steal him away normally, but idk why they wouldnt. for example if crim just wanted to kidnap kip, maybe he just has. but that seems like wallace wouldnt need to be involved and eno wouldnt need to be involved and why wait til he’s in C? he doesnt need flushing out to be stolen off the street; he travels to B at least once a week on a schedule and he walks to work.

again, probably theres necessary info we dont even have that will fill in a missing piece here, but even now im too stupid to expand on the stuff we know to imagine up something that would fill in that blank. im too horrible at reading/understanding peoples motivations to even fully Get basic interactions sometimes, and im too uncreative to even come up with stuff like say, guess what crim’s trying to develop over there. maybe theres something about moving from development to initiation that needs kip’s particular involvement (??how??). but why has there been five years of them having been left alone in D, maybe, although how do we even know that

idk all i know is im stupid and i dont like that everyone is going to be even more miserable and endangered and mysteries are a trial for me because i want to die and dont want to have to deal with dying on a cliffhanger, i’ll be an angry ghost. ive probably forgotten a tangent or two i wanted to touch on and that makes me an angry pre-ghost. w/e

0 notes

survivorgalaxysedge · 3 years

Text

Episode 6 | Your Social Game Is On 0! - MJ

youtube

WHOOPS I KINDA DID THAT, SORRY KEEGAN, YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG I JUST NEED EVERYONE ON THIS TEAM TO BE BFFS WITH ME

also just realized that at final 13 i know well over half of the people in the game..... love that for me!! -close with ali, jonathan, and zoe over here both separately & together -mj obvs -cindi and jay are known quantities -jules is great too -so only ones i don’t know.... silver, zach, asya, nathan & jessie i know i can work with at least half of the ones i know, probably more - only real question mark is cindi cuz she was a little sus originally, and jay i hope is still good but i think he and keegan were close so might have to work on explaining that one. but overall, i feel pretty well set for merge whenever it gets here, and hopefully the next couple votes can get rid of some of those ones i don’t know. onward and upward! we’ll see!!!

youtube

I don't really do much text confessionals but I just ranted in my host chat so I'm sending it here. ~~This Round~~ this round is gonna be fun, so much fun, and I won't have to do like any gameplay because I think regardless the trian tribe is going to tribal and I wanna see how that plays out, and then if my tribe goes to tribal I'm gonna dip out using my safety without power and let silver kill an og circi since he's gonna pull out that extra vote however, if asya or jules have an advantage / if mj flips that's fine with me too. I'm still debating playing the solar eclipse. I want to cause chaos, and for what? For no reason. *Moments Later* I spun a wheel to determine what I will do this round, and it landed on not playing the solar eclipse and noping out. that's what I'm doing. now you may ask for the strategic value of letting a circi die? Well, if a Circi goes (or two circis go if it's an andro/circi tribal), I'm suddenly 1/2 of my OG tribe left. People may want to pick me up and use me as a number since I will have no allegiance to anyone. This puts me in a lowkey kind of decent position if I lie and say I was gonna be voted out if I didn't safety w/o power. Also playing a safety without power and claiming the magnet would statistically mean I am less likely to have other advantages since other people had searches stockpiled for the swap I'll probably test the waters for a bit after immunity results and then play the magnet to make it look like it wasn't planned and I just got a bad feeling. In other words: I'm turning the crackhead dial-up, it's time for fun! I swear to god if we don't merge after this round I will scream. ~~Planning for the Future~~ oh my god it could be a 10 person merge. because the merge episode is usually episode 8. we're on 6 but that wouldn't make sense to prevent a 5 > 1 person tribe from occurring and 5 votes in a swap seems like a bit much. I feel like at this point I know I probably won't win this game but I'm gonna give them hell while I'm here playing well is boring People on this cast that will probably try to kill me: Cindi, Jay, Nathan, Maybe Jesse? I haven't really spoken much to MJ or Silver, chances are my closest ally is going home this round, Zoe Jonathan and Ari may pick me up if I'm from a minority tribe but dump me very quickly. From my POV the cards are not in my favor, all I have are my advantages so the path of chaos is more beneficial plus I'm sure it's spread I'm pretty good at immunities in merge so they're gonna try to take me out early on like round 1 or 2, So if I want any chance I need to play the following way Since I cannot depend on social connections as much as I normally would 1. Make sure my existing social connections are voted out so that I am not in the group where I don't have the best social connections but I have enough that it is worrisome 2. Play my advantages early in merge if I don't win immunity, cementing myself as a big target 3. Convince people that nobody will take me deep into the game because I have placed myself in the position of a big target 4. Try to get the people that would be 100% against me voted out, while also watching Andro tribe majority. Basically making Andro and Trian fight each other 5. Win immunities near the end and somehow make it deep??? That's my best case scenario at this point in my opinion.

youtube

So like we won immunity . Wow see what happens when we actually try? Isn’t that nice . Idc who goes really I can make new bonds or whatever with people if silver goes but in the ideal scenario he will stay. But tbh I have no power over what happens tonight so I don’t care. Hoping merge happens next

youtube

ok so i have a little cute vote chat for me jules and mj. mj is spilling EVERYTHING abt his OG tribe including how they blindsided my wife pippa... rude. also abt his idol searches. he's a smart cookie and one to watch for but i also like him and need friends so<3

THIS SUCKS SO MUCHHHHHH ALI I AM SO SORRY

Having to remind myself that is entirely okay to be vengeful and even be blinded by revenge in these games. I've become way too soft for these things in the past couple of years. As of right now, tonight's tribal council should be 2-1-1, since Zach is skipping -- 2 votes for Silver (Asya, Jules), 1 vote Jules (Silver), and 1 vote Asya (me). If Silver's 50/50 coin lands on SAFE, the it’ll tie between Aysa and Jules and I think I’ll get auto-eliminated if it’s rocks instead of a 1v1 tiebreaker, and I’m OK with that I think! If it lands on NOT SAFE then Silver is leaving, period! And Silver deserves to leave, and I shouldn't feel nervous about taking this shot, no matter if it backfires or not. It makes me feel icky to think that Nathan, Jessie, and Silver were in cahoots from the very start and I didn't care enough to control my own game because I've become too accustomed to jellyfishing my way through ORGs to avoid being pinpointed as a leader or strategist. I'm putting my foot down tonight. I'm taking this shot and if it works, then it's merely the beginning of the end for half of the remaining cast as far as I'm concerned. If it backfires, then oh well, at least I tried something here. NO REGRETS! Anyway, just had the first alliance call with Aysa and Jules and it was great! Good vibes! We just chit-chatted and discussed strategy and previous dynamics. It will be a shame if we don’t get to push forward together after tonight. I’m also telling Silver right now not to play the 50/50 befcause if it doesn’t land on safe then the vote will be 3-2 if Aysa is lying; and if Aysa is telling the truth then he’s wasting a power that he could have later on. It kinda makes no sense for him to use the 50/50 considering the information he’s being told. I’m fine with pitching this to him because he said he was 100% gonna use it anyway, so me telling him not to will either leave things the same or result in him not using it at all. There’s no losing there. The only way to lose is if it lands on safe. The savage in me is saying, no MJ don’t let yourself get auto-eliminated if things go south, CUT JULES! And I realize that that’s exactly how I should be thinking given the first two lines of this confessional!!! But I wanna be a risk taker. I’m fine with this blowing up because the potential reward is greater than me being auto-eliminated. + Jack was rocked out last season so it would be cute to match that if it comes down to it! I hope it doesn’t, but it’s fine either way. I feel like this game owes me. Silver's 50/50 will not land on safe.

ALSO on this alliance call, I was informed that the adventure reset?!?!?!?! AND I HAVEN'T DONE THEM IN A WEEK???? LMFAOOOOO anyway.

AHHHH why did I volunteer to go first in the challenge ugh I remembered the wrong shit lol. But this tribal I dont think I have to use my 50/50 since asya doesn't wanna go to rock so she'll vote Jules with us. So yeah I think I'll be ok. Asya told me Jules is voting MJ. I'm just hoping this isnt gonna be a big blindside towards me but yeah wish me luck

okay, here's the plan. silver has the glowing orb 50/50 coin thing. i expect him to play it. silver's voting me. im voting silver and so is asya. mj is king of the key here. if mj votes silver and the orb makes him safe, then im gone. if mj votes asya (hang on, ive just had a realization and just had to sit in silence for a while whilst i process it.) okay. if mj votes asya and the coin makes silver safe, it'll be 2-1-1, with a tie between me and asya. which im just now realizing could send it to rocks where mj would be the one leaving............. boy howdy, sure wish i knew how to count. okay, yeah. we'll just hope that the coin lands on NOT SAFE -or- he doesnt play it at all. mj and asya are telling him that they're voting me out, so maybe he'll feel comfy enough not to use it. i dont WANT asya to be voted out, but it's better than me or mj being the vote. if mj gets rocked out by default because i didnt realize how to count....... oops!!! but silver has a bunch of advantages, so him getting voted out would flush those out. asya has an immunity shard and id like to think that she'd will it to me if she gets voted out, but eye dee kay!

AHHH sorry this is coming so late but I've had a busy busy few days, and luckily I've avoided tribal during this time lol So before I was feeling a bit shaky on this tribe, I felt like everyone was more connected to each other than to me. But as it turns out, that's completely untrue and I feel very at the center of this tribe. Nathan and I have had multiple long talks recently where we've decided that we want to stick together deep into this game, and he's given me some info about how he and Silver gave up their immunity shards to Jessie, so she has an idol now. Cindi and I have a connection from our original tribe too and I've been keeping up on that relationship too. I gave her a clue I found during an expedition but nothing really came of it since it's, as far as I can tell, impossible to decipher. If we did end up going to tribal, I would have made a push to take out Jessie TBH, even though she has the idol. I feel like even if Nathan wasn't for it, they'd go for Cindi and not me. But luckily that doesn't matter because we're immune and likely heading for a merge in the next 30 minutes. And if not a merge, than another swap bc I think y'all hosts anticipated that one tribe could have lost all of the last 3 immunities and I don't think you want a 2 person tribe at the f11. But yeah I feel really good about my place in the game, I want Nathan to be my shield for the time being bc he's so vocal and strategic that he will always be a target ahead of me.

I have put so much work in to stay

I BETTER STAY

All this fighting for nothing smh <3 it is not looking good

youtube

#toinfinityandsurvive

0 notes