#no one fucking sees my posts
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me: this is the year i’ll start posting art more and get more serious about it
tumblr: and i took that personally
#literally fucking screaming into the void#no one fucking sees my posts#they don’t show up in the tags#why have so many followers if they don’t see what you share?#tumblr sure is a website#tumblr#tumblr issues#el rambles
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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top 10 moments before disaster (dazai is about to step on his toes)
#day 9547860367 of drawing them in the hopes that the next chapter will be ada reunion. we will see.#ALSO HELP slamming my head into a brick wall i'm gonna get cancelled for glasses erasure one day istg. i'm sorry kuni#watch me once again exaggerate a barely visible height difference in canon bc idgaf dazai should get to be short for once in his life#anyway i hope skk eats shit i want knkdz back i miss them so fucking much#i pray and beg and sob every night kneeling at my bedside for dazai to go home and see his husband and son again#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#kunikida doppo#doppo kunikida#kunikidazai#knkdz#kunizai#lotus draws#uughhhhh posting at ungodly hours AGAIN this is gonna catch up to me one day istg
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🤨
bonus:
#good omens spoilers#gos2spoilers#good omens#good omens season 2#goodomensedit#aziraphale#crowley#og post#gifs#the thesis of this gifset is:#“aziraphale lies BADLY to crowley's FACE repeatedly for no reason and crowley ALWAYS takes him at his word#but crowley's the demon so he's the one who lies. apparently"#i just think its hilarious#and the fact that crowley doesn't notice aziraphale lying despite the fact he knows how he lies (see: Job) because “why would he lie to ME”#i don't think crowley thinks the inverse of aziraphale (“you're an angel. its not what you do”) because he KNOWS he lied to heaven#(again see:Job)#this took so fucking long i'd open photoshop and my computer would shit itself#even worse if i dare opened a longer video to make into several gifs#sacrificed my Firefox window to my computer like a newborn lamb so that photoshop may live but it barely even helped#apparently i do NOT have the needed ram for gifmaking#i mean i did do it. i completed it. but still#though it worked a bit better after i restarted my computer. so. maybe i should do that more frequently lmao#i tried to include “i'm a demon. i lied” but it just did not. fit. quite right
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*gives you a gay little kiss that feels like home*
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#lesbian#sometimes you may see a post from me and go:#why the fuck would she post that??#and wonder if i regret it#the answer is no <3#all my posts are bangers😤#esp this one#and that is NOT the exhaustion and lack of sleep talking#maybe it’s late and i have to be up#in five hours#and i came to the realization that ALL my kisses count as gay little kisses#and had to share that with the internet#okay and it’s a GOOD post😤😤😤😤#im not gonna see this at a time when im more sane and be like wtf#i’ll see it be like: wow that’s a great post#@ future me: u can fight me on this im right okay#god im so tired
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two guys arguing at the aquarium? must be lovers (fic)
#posting something more self indulgent for my birthday#my favorite tragic ship oooooh#yet again based on another fic that i absolutely fucking love but also you can see it as the canon date they have on 7/29#fic is called marigolds go read it NOW arguably one of the best fics ever made.#persona 5#shuake#goro akechi#akira kurusu#ren amamiya#sammi's art
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got him off-balance!
#my art#ds9#star trek deep space nine#julian bashir#elim garak#garashir#watercolor#image desc in alt text#i normally post on mondays but. today im breaking my pattern! getting a little silly. getting a little wild. garashir jumpscare#“tumblr user chitinleg garak would neot easily let himself be swooped off his feet into a hug like that” yes i know BUT!#look at his expression. look at how his arms r pinned. he didnt let this happen LMAO julian just surprised him. grabby huggy human behavior#if you look really closely you can see the tiniest frown in the world on Garak's face. because he's like “EEP !”#cant see bashirs face at all in this only his body but i think we can all imagine that whatevers going thru his head. he needs this hug bad#ALSO. for anyone wondering what the fucked up shadow is that starts at the juncture of the teal sleeve-cap where its set into the armhole#the jumpsuits have a bit of a fold of extra fabric (called an Action Pleat) there which allows for a little more maneuverability of the bod#AND creates a really sleek and flat back panel#because you can see the fabric twists along the side arent grabbing the flat back fabric theyre grabbing the fabric folded beneath it#often times i think about drawing out a dissection of kiras first uniform and this voy era one for other artists to use. bc god knows#i struggled at first to find full body references#they like to shoot ds9 very close to peoples heads. and the camera is so blurry. they smeared butter on that thing. god bless
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one of my favorite things about zedaph is that on a server full of people that find strange and oft-overlooked minecraft mechanics or rare events and then see just how far they can push them in the name of spectacle or efficiency or world-breaking, zed is over here finding these mechanics in order to do the weirdest things he can think of in as entertaining a manner as possible
like i 100% have faith in zedaph's theoretical ability to be just as efficient or spectacular or world-breaking. if he wanted to do that stuff, i trust that he absolutely could. but thats so far from being his priority. instead, hes going to spend around a week of irl time focused entirely on eventually having the good luck to spawn in something insanely rare so that he can convert it into something even rarer, the result of which being something that 99% of the server reacts with complete and utter shock that it even exists in the first place, just because its zany and funny and he wanted to. and i love that
#zedaph#hermitcraft#genuinely i adore the clucky few project im not even done watching the episode and i had to pause and make this post#i saw impulses video first and went ''that HAS to be some sort of datapack or something-''#only to immediately go ''no. no it cant be. because this is zed#and its practically a trademark of his to push the limits of the game as far as possible in the direction least expected#not for the purpose of efficiency or spectacle or intimidation or whatever like some players who push limits#but purely for the purpose of making something so funny you cant help but laugh at whats going on#and maybe being a bit impressed that he ever thought of it in the first place''#at which point i went ''holy shit. since its zed doing this. somehow he ACTUALLY got a villager on a chicken. with no cheats. thats INSANE'#i was relieved when i checked my subscriptions to see what the next video i had to watch was and saw he would be next in line#bc if i had to sit through 19 other hermits videos before i could watch his and find out what the fuck he was doing i would have been so sa#sidenote but i feel like a zed video where he interacts with this many other people all in the same video is so rare#idk i didnt watch season 9 and i know he started collabing a lot more w/ other hermits then#so maybe its not nearly as rare these days#but like the last one that *i* saw where he interacted with this many people at once was towards the end of season 8#when all the people he experimented on earlier in the season came back to experiment on him#and like i would like zeds videos with or without the collabs. but its a lot of fun to see him interact with people#so its very cool to me when he does it with a lot of people all in the same video
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another thing i've Witnessed in all spheres of modern feminism is who gets afforded the grace of "internalized misogyny" vs who just gets called a "misogynist"
like if you are a feminine cis girl (& usually white too) all your sexist bullshit is excused as internalized misogyny that was pushed on them by a sexist society that they have to unlearn but in the meantime we cannot hold them accountable or be too mean to them bc they're traumatized and trying :((((( so if you call out their sexism, YOU are in fact being a woman-hating bitch/dyke/etc who hates girls and girlhood
but...... if you are a trans woman or you're butch or a stud or a woman of color and you say anything even perceived as sexist, oh no no you do NOT get the grace of "internalized misogyny". you don't get time to learn or grow. you are a sexist and you should be shot and you might as well be a man.
and usually the latter group's "misogyny" is just pointing out the other group's double standards and sexism which gets us called not girls girls and "pick-mes" (used wrong) and sexist etc. like sometimes obviously we ARE misogynistic, everyone is, but usually it's over the dumbest shit and even in the cases where someone in the latter group is being genuinely sexist, they are NOT given the same grace as the former group
#sorry ive been on a feminism kick lately it's an autism mode rn but like. i have so many thoughts constantly just rattling around in there#discourse cw#but i REALLY noticed this one w my infamous post abt girl dinner lmfaooooo#the amount of ppl in those notes being like how dare you theyre traumatized by girlhood you fucking misogynist#like. do you not see the double standard there or.... no? okay
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My really stupid idea for a cult of the lamb modern au is instead of gods or anything the Bishops and TOWW are just YouTubers having internet beef.
I literally don’t have time to do anything with this thought but it won’t get out of my head.
Narinder got his channel banned by his siblings mass reporting his ass. Instead of being representative of horsemen of the apocalypse it’s a YouTube genre. Obviously Heket as famine is a mukbang channel. I can’t explain why but with Leshy I know in my heart that chaos equals gaming channel. Kallamar as pestilence feels like a shitty health and wellness channel to promote his mlm. With Shamura as war all my ideas didn’t 100% fit but I feel with their wisdom, five hour video essays. Narinder as death, drama, has to be a drama channel.
Narinder just like hijacks channels to try an ban evade. Keeps “befriending” small YouTubers. Ratau used to have a little channel that was just low quality recordings of him and his buddies gambling. Befriended Narinder who just gives shitty business advice and got his channel banned. Narinder gets The Lamb to make carrier ending take down videos on the bishops.
Leshy def hacked and faked speed runs. Heket was probably just toxic, you know she probably gossips 24/7. I already said it but Kallamar, mlm, and not the gay kind. Shamura, plagiarism and “I made it the fuck up” (if you know you know lmao) The four horseman of YouTube crimes.
#my post#yeah fuck it everyone gets to see this one#cult of the lamb#I’ve mastered making edits on my phone#with the power of Instagram stories and markup on my side#cult of YouTube au
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IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder
╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher
#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies#(more thoughts at the end of the tags)#shameless#shamelessnet#shamelessedit#ian gallagher#cameron monaghan#*macygifs#bipolar disorder#hello pals how are we doin#i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags#and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes)#i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation#that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day#world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder#which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life#while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life#and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines#over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful#i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended#hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles#world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder#and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized)#it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all#it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen#so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can.#we are worth it#i promise#anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder#go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives
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"The text is all up to interpretation."
The Text:
#Fuck Calypso. All my homies hate Calypso.#The place he likes to be is in Penelope and Telemachus' arms btw#Odysseus isn't a fuck boy. He's a fucking SIMP for Penelope. He did not want Circe or Calypso.#I want to make a Paris kidnapping Helen one too but yee. probably a different post.#it's funny because ever since I realized how similar Helen and Odysseus are in their situations anytime I see something like this#I'm like “Shit this fits them both” so yeah :'D#calypso#anti calypso#odyssey#the odyssey#odysseus#greek mythology#tagamemnon#greek mythology memes#memes#Mad rambles#shot by odysseus#epic the musical
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danmarch 🐉💎
#honkai star rail#dan heng#march 7th#danmarch#fanart#hsr#what else do i tag. i have no idea#anyway. im breaking my VERY LONG oc art streak to post my one(1) contribution to star rail#i care them very much#ive been playing this game so religiously and they have not left my team#tragic past(emo) vs tragic past(girly pop)#theres NO WAY with marchs very teenage girl mind that she does not have a crush on the hot cool mysterious yet caring dragon guy#who stays in the room right next to her#and the fact that he teases her so much........#the whole ass belabog quest he throws in little harmless march roasts every so often#he fucking CARE her#i bets shes like a filipino mom with that camera. every oppertunity (picture!!!!)#and dan heng gets dragged into it#he is honing his photography skills against his will#any nice place? shes like (lemme pose can you get a photo of me?)#dan heng just sighs#they bond over silently judging stelle rummaging through the garbage#cast each other that best friend glance as half her body is sticking out of a trash bin#i like to think you see them hanging out on the train together#with dan heng reading some obscure 8th century book on civilization pattern and development#and march is humming and putting stickers and aesthetic shit in her scrapbook#taping a piece of antimatter legion loot in the middle of a page#and with bubbly handwriting (we beat some bad guys today!!! <333 so fun!!)
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listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.
yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?
maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".
get a better joke
#toy txt post#god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones#let it flop..........pls#internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop#i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having#1 million bajillion disclaimers#virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word#disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word#grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used#to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023#and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like#im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild#i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good'#like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you#but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches'#'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay#god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil#but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful#and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like#hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine#and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr#and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like#and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay#its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat#? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty?#you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right#stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny#whatever#if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll#i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.
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i wanna make a prsk major arcana...
#[knows i wont fucking do that so i post the 1 rough i have instead] all in a days work#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#mizuki akiyama#i posted alternate palettes for this on twitter and i like one of theme way better but im too lazy to get it rn. Lol#i would like to do skecthes for them all but im like ..#um. i dont know snything about tarot so people who DO will see my card assignments and go wtf are they feeding this guy#hermit is easy. pjsk gave that right to me. justice meiko too.#ive decided to pull a revstar and do the 25 card visconti with kagamines in one card. so now i have to reassign with hope charity and faith#boohoo. however the sun emu and the moon mafuyu are staying i know what im about. also kohane with death and an with the lovers#those make me feel like a genius. the rest ill stay shy about. if i say all my assignments ill never feel the urge to draw them#sorry for scheduling these to post at 8am#proseka tarot
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