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lucienarcheron · 3 months

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Spirit Meets the Bones - V

Genre: Angst/Romance Warnings: Mentions of physical abuse.

shoutout to my darling @abruisedmuse for keeping me sane while writing. ily!

Find it all here.

“So, tell me wife,” Eris began. “Other than piano and the urge to stab, what else are you interested in?”

Iris rolled her eyes. “Is this your question for a question?”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

Eris had taken one look at her expression this morning as they stepped out in the hall and knew the tour could wait until later. After a very quiet departure where they slipped out unnoticed by all, they were finally out in a quiet field, letting their horses leisurely stroll side by side as they explored alone.

They had ridden in silence for the first few moments and if Eris had to sit quietly for another moment without asking her something he would lose his mind.

Iris’s lips went into a thin line as her eyes drank in the sight of the open field around her. There wasn’t a single soul around them. It was a sense of peace she hadn’t expected to be feeling the morning after her wedding.

“I think…” she began and glanced at him, “If given the chance, I would’ve liked to properly study the art of healing.”

Eris hummed in thought, his eyes on her for a moment then back at the road ahead. “A healer?” he asked. “That seems like a noble choice. Why would your father be opposed to it?”

Iris grimaced. “My father...didn’t like the idea of me knowing too many useful things,” she replied, gently running a hand through her horse’s mane. “If I became useful, I wouldn’t need him. If I didn’t need him, I could defy him. And if I could defy him? Well then...I’d be a much bigger problem.”

“You seem to have done that anyway. It doesn’t seem to have stopped you from getting away with quite a lot,” he said quietly.

Iris shook her head and glanced at him. “I was...very limited in what I could do. Kept on a very tight leash. I can socialize but only when he allows it with the specific people he wants. I could have hobbies but only if he deemed them appropriate and he had the power to take them away whatever he wanted, at any point in time.” she said and her voice lowered to a mumble. “It was his favorite thing to do, and everything came at a price.”

She frowned and Eris tilted his head, saying nothing as he watched her, hoping she would continue. It surprised him that he wanted to know more. He needed to know more.

After a few moments of silence, Iris seemed to remember she had more to say.

“Everything I really cared about doing, or rather everything I tried to do, had to be done in secret. I never learned how to properly defend myself because I had to sneak to do it. The same applies to healing. I had to be very careful how I approached my instructors with questions. If I seemed too eager or began excelling too quickly, it would be taken away. The piano was allowed because he used it as a selling point.” she said with a snort. “I was his so-called poor sickly daughter who couldn’t be out and about for too long and whose only joy was her little piano. I annoyed him enough that he let some things slide but after a while, he got sick of it and... what’s another bruise?”

The nonchalance shrug made Eris’s jaw clench and he shifted his shoulders uncomfortably. Too similar. They were much too similar.

“Did you try healing yourself?”

Iris looked away, towards the open field once more. “I did. But it had to be gradual. If I did it too quickly, he would notice.” she replied. “I liked it best when he didn’t notice me.”

Eris watched her silently for a moment, watched the longing in her eyes at the open field and space. A bitterness clawed its way into his chest. He knew all too well how trapped a person can feel.

“You can ride out if you’d like,” he said, forcing his tone to be as gentle as possible. “The edge of the border takes you to the sea, about an hour’s ride.”

“And leave you all alone, little lord?” she said with a scoff. “Wouldn’t want you to start crying.”

Eris smirked. “Aw, wife. Just say you can’t bear a moment without me by your side. I understand, I’m very dashing.”

Without looking at him, Iris flipped him off. “I won’t run off, you know.”

“I know," he confirmed. "So, if you’d like to ride, go for it. It’s just us here.”

She glanced at him and then again looked around. “Is that why you didn’t take me on a tour inside first?”

“One look at your face told me you’d rather not stay inside for too long. I figured seeing the land was a good start,” he replied, his fingers tightening on the reins briefly. “Was I wrong?”

Iris didn’t want to acknowledge it but gods, he was right. The idea of taking a tour where people were going to stare at her and wonder how she was still standing after a night with their stupid lordling made her want to vomit. “No,” she said quietly. “I don’t exactly look forward to being gawked at when we return.”

The corner of Eris’s mouth lifted. “They won’t,” he said. “The bride and groom have the blessing to avoid other human interactions for a week at least. It’s why you won’t see any of our housekeeping and I’m relieved of my duties this week. They’ll leave us alone for now to enjoy each other’s company.”

“Is this a custom I have never heard of?”

“It is when you’re the son of a high lord,” he replied, and Iris snorted but her curiosity was piqued.

“So, we will have our own housekeeping staff then?”

“Of course. I personally went through the process of vetting them.”

She nodded and stole a glance at him to find him watching her as curiously as she watched him. “You also have your own guard, right?”

“Yes. I pick them myself. I need to know I can trust them.”

Trust. Such an important thing between him and his men. It would be an important thing between the two of them as well. If Eris would allow it to grow. If Iris would accept it.

Glancing ahead, fingers still tight on the reins, she asked, “And what do your duties include?”

“Helping my father run this court,” he said, his eyes drifting to the fields around them. “I have handled all the trades and business with our farming lands since the unfortunate incident with Jesminda. I also meet with and handle any citizen concerns as well as oversee the security measures around our border. Sometimes I’ll help train new soldiers. A few things here and there.”

Iris blinked rapidly. “A few?” she snorted. “If you do all this, what does your father do?”

Eris scoffed, his expression souring slightly. “Sit on his throne and drink wine.”

Iris’s eyebrows rose but she bit her lip, holding back a snicker. “What about your brothers?”

“Fucking their way through the city and spending my money,” he replied with a snort and this time, Iris didn’t hold back her small smile.

“It almost seems like you’re the only responsible one here, dearest husband.”

“I am, dearest wife. You lucked out.”

Iris rolled her eyes but then paused, hands gently brushing the mane of her horse again, her eyes locked on him. “It also seems like you don’t like your family members much,” she asked carefully.

Eris knew the question she was asking and though they were in a wide field all alone, not a soul to listen to their conversation as he had intended, he hesitated. She didn’t need to know the depth of his disgust with how his family lived just yet.

“I cannot live a day without them,” he said dully. “They bring me happiness every day.”

“Even your father?” she asked, her lips twitching.

“Especially my father. He is the spark of joy in my heart.” Eris added in the driest of tones and Iris chuckled, bringing a small smile to his face.

“You’re an excellent liar,” she said with a shake of her head. “I thought you said it was just us. And that our question for a question would remain honest?”

Eris eyed her carefully. He wasn’t a foolish male, he knew when he could trust people and when he couldn’t. And yet.

“My relationship with my family is complicated,” he answered slowly. “I am sure you’ll understand more as you get to know them.”

She hummed in thought then scrunched up her nose. “Do I have to get to know anyone besides your mother?”

“I’d personally prefer not but there’s no escaping my father,” he said with a sigh. “My brothers...can be ignored until otherwise noted.”

Iris pursed her lips. She had even more questions now but clearly, his family was a touchy subject. Which was fair; just the mere mention of her father made her blood boil and she openly hated him.

“Now that I know you’re a very busy male, husband,” she began. “What exactly am I supposed to do with my time if I’ll never see you once this week is up?”

“Sitting in our bedroom looking delicious and happily waiting for me,” he replied immediately and smirked at the glare she shot him.

“Seriously, Eris.” she huffed. “What am I supposed to do? I — I don’t want to be sitting around uselessly.”

“How did you spend your time before?” he asked, and Iris scowled.

“Doing anything I could get my hands on,” she said, and Eris watched as her eyes cataloged every detail around them, avoiding his gaze. “I read a lot of books. Painted. Sketched. Sculpted with clay. I even played with pottery...The results were terrible as I do not have an artist's hand and mostly made a mess.”

Eris fought the chuckle rising in him.

“I dabbled in writing, which was also terrible. I even tried my hand at gardening but it…did not go well. Our gardener hated me.” she added with a snort. “I baked, I cooked, I even learned embroidery —which was a terrible waste of time as all I did was stab myself repeatedly.”

“Ah, so that’s where your stabbing fetish comes from.”

“I even tried weaving with an actual loom.” she continued, ignoring him completely and Eris watched her rant with barely hidden mirth. “All of this ended with me bothering the house staff as much as possible because I was so bored.”

“Sounds like you’re an absolute menace. I’m thrilled,” he said his lips twitching and Iris rolled her eyes, flipping him off with both hands.

“What about you then? I’m sure you’ve been an angel. What are you interested in?”

“Murder.” he deadpanned.

“Right up my alley then.”

He finally gave in to his amusement and laughed softly. “It sounds like you kept yourself very busy.”

“Uselessly busy.” she snapped and frowned at him. “I don’t want that to continue. I don’t want to be useless.”

Eris pulled on the reins of his horse gently to halt it, gesturing for her to do the same. Iris’s frown deepened but she stopped as well, turning her horse to face his.

“What would you like to do?” he asked.

And it was the shift in his tone that had Iris sitting up. She thought quietly for a moment and Eris watched her mind working.

She opened her mouth a moment later, but he held up a finger with a small smile.

“I’ve already factored in training for the two of us, time for you to practice your music skills, and time for the two of us outside of the house considering I can’t really show you everything I want to in a week,” he said, and Iris blinked.

“You already thought of all that? When?”

“I am to be a high lord, my mind has to work very quickly,” he said with a smug smile. “What else would you like?”

Iris blinked once more. He...was being strangely thoughtful. It made her nervous. She narrowed her eyes at him.

He quirked a brow, waiting.

“To be with you when you’re hearing people’s concerns.” she blurted out. “I want you to teach me the court rules. I want to study healing again and take up the practice.”

She wanted so much. All she could think about was how much she wanted to do things and be present and have a say, but would he let her? What would he ask in return? Would he —

“More time together then?” he asked with a smirk. “You better pace yourself wife, I think my charm is starting to win you over.”

Iris tried not to squirm as he watched her, but it didn’t stop the slight blush that bloomed on her cheeks. “I don’t exactly have anyone else to hang out with. You’re as good as it’ll get,” she mumbled, and Eris scoffed.

“I’m so flattered you’re this excited to spend time with me,” he said, and he hated that it bothered him. “Don’t you have friends you can visit? Or visit you? You can have those, you know. No one will stop them from visiting you.”

He watched her expression fall for a split second before her face neutralized again and she fretted with her braid instead. “I — I don’t have friends,” she said quietly. “Friends notice things.”

Silence fell between them and without saying a word to one another, their horses began moving again. Eris stole glances at her, feeling the embarrassment radiating off her and his mouth went into a thin line. As if she had anything to be embarrassed about. She had no idea how similar they were.

He pursed his lips then softly said, “Aside from Lucien and Elain...neither do I. And that’s been a long process. A very long process...I still don’t trust anyone and it’s hard to make friends when you don’t know who will stab you in the back.”

Her shoulders relaxed as Iris let out a breath, her face still a little flushed. She stole another glance at him.

“You can’t build any kind of relationship without trust,” she said, and the weight of the statement sat between them.

A heartbeat passed as Eris considered her across from him, a partner now shackled to him.

“No. You can’t.” was all he could think to say.

And Iris wondered just how much she could trust him and just how much he could trust her. It seemed like he had so much more to lose than she did. Then again…

She looked at him once more as they rode on. “So.”

Eris gave her an amused look. “So.”

“Are you and your brother closer now than before?”

Eris nodded slowly then smirked. “He won’t admit it but I’m his best friend.”

“That seems like a lie.”

“It is not. I’m his favorite person,” he said with a snort. “But I like Elain more than him anyway. She’s nicer to me.”

It was Iris’s turn to snort. “I’m sure he loves that.”

“He’s very jealous of Elain and I’s relationship.”

Iris rolled her eyes. “You sound like a child,” she said, and Eris sniggered. “She’s nice then — Elain?”

“Are you worried about my relationship with your sister-in-law?” Eris teased. “Don’t worry, wife. I will always put you first.”

Iris’s expression flattened. “Just like you to make a question not about you, about you.”

Eris chuckled. “Yes, Elain is very nice,” he answered. “She’s a character. I think the two of you will get along just fine.”

“And you’d want that?” she asked curiously. “For us to get along?”

“Of course,” Eris replied and Iris noted the sincerity in his expression. “Aside from my mother, they’re the only family I care about. They’re the only ones who matter.”

"Your other brothers aren't high on the list, huh?" she asked and Eris pursed his lips.

"It's...complicated," he answered with a diplomatic smile.

Iris’s eyebrows rose at his statement but she sat quietly, digesting it. He didn’t seem too ready for her to engage with his family in this court but was open to her having a relationship with the ones who didn’t live here…which was interesting.

She could have a friend in Elain at least, if Eris liked her so much. And — and a friend in Lucien too. His other brothers...Iris would have to see about that. She snuck a glance at her husband and found him watching her curiously.

She could also find a friend in him as well, she supposed.

“Are my other requests reasonable?” she asked quietly, and Eris gave her a small smile, feeling that faint sense of approval from him again.

“I think our court would benefit from a healer on a throne,” he said quietly. “It would be good for you to be involved. I will make it all work smoothly into my schedule.”

Iris gave him an amused look, biting back a smile at his statement. “Organized, are you?”

His grip tightened on the reins before he loosened his grip again. “I like things to be in a certain order so I will make sure it all works well and is accounted for with our combined schedules.”

Iris watched him curiously. He liked control then. Which was...not surprising. It made so much sense. Iris saw all his inappropriate comments in a whole new light now.

She let a moment of silence pass between them before finally saying, “Wow.”

“Hm?”

“You really let me ask for things with no requests for kisses in return? Or for me to sit in your lap? Or do any of the other filthy things I know you’re constantly thinking of?” she said with a scoff and Eris grinned. “Dare I say in a matter of hours, growth?”

“Oh no, I’m saving it for later,” he said with a lazy smile then slowly gave her a thoughtful look. “Though I have never taken someone astride a horse before. Do you think Axel will mind if we ride each other while riding him?”

Iris shook her head, sighing. “Spoke so soon,” she mumbled, and Eris chuckled. Ignoring how his chuckle seemed to dance across her skin, Iris asked, “Where are we exactly? Near the Spring Court?”

“No, that’s more south. We are in the east forest, towards the Mortal realm with the sea between us,” he replied and moved his horse closer to hers.

Iris pursed her lips for a moment and gave him an almost pleading look, but Eris only jerked his chin again. “Go on.” he only said.

And she hesitated for a breath until Eris blinked, and then she was off, riding in the wind.

He knew he wasn’t doing her any favors and shouldn’t feel too proud of himself for it, but the wide smile on her face as she rode ahead brought a small one to his own. Eris followed her at a slower pace, letting her ride ahead, to give her some time to herself while he watched her.

One night and it had changed...something for him. It had been a night and day of marriage and suddenly, with every conversation they had…he had started caring. Which would be problematic. His father alone would make it a big problem and he desperately needed Iris to be aware of that.

But as he neared her slowly and she turned to him with that wide grin on her face, Eris felt his wretched heart skip a beat and any concern of his father quickly slipped his mind.

“The view is wonderful.” she quickly gushed. “And the fresh air! And the sound of the waves!”

His brows slowly went up as an amused smile came onto his face. “You’ve never been near the sea, I’m assuming?”

“No,” she said, and her smile dimmed slightly. “But — but we can go, right? Will you take me? Can we go now?”

And the hopeful expression on her face made his heart clench. He couldn’t afford this. He couldn’t afford to care about another person for his father to use against him. But the way she was looking at him…

“Not today but we can plan another visit,” he promised, and the wide smile returned on her face. “I’d rather have the area secured first and bring a hound or two of mine with us for extra measures. We don’t venture out this way often and I’d rather be prepared.”

Iris immediately sat up straighter on her horse. “Those famous hounds of yours?”

He gave her an amused smirk. “Famous, are they?”

“You know they are! They’re rare as it is and rumor has it you have twelve of them,” she said, almost accusingly and Eris truly had to fight back a smile. “Is it true?”

Eris blinked at her with what he hoped seemed like an innocent enough expression but couldn’t stop the chuckle when she gave him a pointed look.

“Well?”

“I do. They’re my prized possessions.”

“They are not possessions!” she immediately said with a scoff. “They are companions, and you should view them as such.”

His level of amusement was rising by the moment. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this entertained.

“Are you a fan of animals then?” he asked dryly.

“Yes. I’ve always wanted a pet of my own,” she said then pointed at him threateningly. “You will take me to meet them. I would like to pet them all.”

“They are lethally trained smokehounds bred to fight and protect,” he said with a snort. “Not some house pets you can cuddle.”

“I’ll bet you anything they’ll let me cuddle them.” she challenged.

Eris wondered what her reaction would be if she found out how much he actually cuddled with his hounds. Some days they were the only things anchoring him.

He flashed her a smirk instead and teasingly said, “You’ll bet me anything?”

Iris immediately narrowed her eyes and pointed one deadly finger at him again. “One more word and I’ll kick you right off your horse.”

He snickered then shook his head. “Regardless of your betting, it takes them a while to warm up to strangers.”

“We shall see,” she said, with her nose in the air. “I still want to meet them. Will you let me?”

Another request in a matter of minutes. Either she was getting too comfortable, too bold, or she really didn’t take him seriously. He wasn’t sure which of those options should bother him.

But then again, wasn’t that what he wanted? For her to be comfortable with him...for him to show her kindness?

“We shall see,” he repeated back to her, and her lips formed into a slight pout that seemed to have the sole purpose of testing whatever will he had to live.

“I object to that unclear decision.”

“Well, you’ll just have to deal with it, wife.”

She huffed, tugging the reins slightly so the horses turned to face the direction of home. “What are the plans for the rest of the day?”

“I thought I would give you the grand tour and then we can have lunch. We can decide what to do in the evening together.”

Iris nodded slowly and bit her lip before carefully asking her question. “Will your mother be having dinner at the house?”

Eris tilted his head slightly. “Likely. She usually has her own meetings with court ladies,” he said. “Why?”

“I know you said I can join her for breakfast but...I was wondering if she was free, we can have dinner with her?” Iris asked softly, a light blush creeping on her cheeks. “I want to thank her for her kindness with the clothing and we can spend some time with her. If that’s alright?”

Eris blinked and tried to stop the small smile on his lips. “Of course. I can ask her when we get back.”

“Alright,” Iris said with a small smile and the two observed each other then, quietly.

The open space around them. The sounds of nature. Not quite knowing what to make of one another yet drawn to know more.

Feeling self-conscious as her husband stared intensely at her, Iris straightened on her horse.

“I’ll race you back to the stables?” she challenged, a playful glint in her eyes and Eris gave her a smirk.

“Think you’ll beat me?”

“If I win, you have to take me to the hounds immediately,” she demanded, and he chuckled.

“And if I win, little gazelle?” he asked and before he could say one of the many filthy things he loved to scandalize her with, Iris held a hand up.

“If you win, maybe you’ll get that kiss you’ve been craving from me.”

Eris quirked a brow. “There you go again with that maybe of yours.”

“Maybe is as good as it’s going to get.

Eris eyed her, giving her a small smirk. “Alright then, wife,” he said. “I’ll take my chances.”

With an obnoxious wink and no other warning, he sprinted off leaving a very outraged Iris scrambling behind him.

#eris vanserra #eris vanserra x oc #eris x oc #eris vanserra fanfic #acotar fanfiction #gfics #smtb chapters #If you'd like to be tagged or removed pls let me know!

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lockmad · 2 months

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I’m going to try to make this make sense, but no promises… but I’m also going to acknowledge that Tumblr is like a diary to me and I don’t expect anyone to read this but if you read it hello! 👋 I hope you are well

I’m really struggling right now… my grandmother just passed away and she truly meant the world to me and I don’t even feel like I’ve had the time to grieve.

I had to pick up my whole entire life and move in with my grandfather within a week, I’ve been with him for two weeks, and he is struggling in ways we didn’t predict. I am also struggling in ways I did not predict. I have clinical depression, but I thought I had learned the skills needed to deal with things like this… I need to give myself credit though because I’m dealing a lot better than I would’ve when I was 19 or 22.

I’ve put so much work into myself and I’m trying so hard but I am so tired of life kicking my ass.

Life is hard for so many reasons, I think a lot of people my age feel it. The economy, climate change, the way the majority of men are acting in regards to dating, not even that, but the whole idea of dating now is so hard with social media.

No one puts themselves out there, and when I personally do put myself out there, no one responds. And I want to make it abundantly clear to myself, as well as others, that I am not an unattractive person. I think a lot of the time the people who are expressing this discomfort with the dating scene are being told that there’s something wrong with them, and I would like to acknowledge that sometimes, things are not your fault. I am not ugly. I am not hard to be around. I am not unlikable. I would be the best thing that has ever happened to the right person. Most men would be lucky to kiss the ground I walk on, and I mean that in the most polite way possible …

I’m constantly struggling with the idea that I don’t have much time to love and enjoy life because climate change has put a countdown on my life in a way I don’t think any other generations have had to deal with

I feel like I’m going to spend the time I have left alone. And though I don’t see anything wrong with being alone that’s never been what I want.

I want companionship, I want partnership.

I’ve been single for over a year now and I’ve been single for chunks of my life before that and I’m learning to be comfortable with it. But it just isn’t what I want. And now I’m in the situation that I feel has set me back.

I’m struggling with an abundance of emotions that no one seems to be able to empathize with and it all comes down to the fact that I am lonely…

I just don’t wanna be alone…

Anyway, I’m not sure any of that made sense. I’m really just trying to use any and every outlet I have to keep myself above ground. I don’t feel like I deserve this, I don’t feel like my grandfather deserves this, I don’t feel like my mother deserves this. I don’t understand why life is so painful and I just came to vent to the void or whoever you are reading this right now.

EDIT: I also want to acknowledge, for my own sake, that my relationship with death is very complicated. I was raised very religiously, and I am an agnostic if anything. But truly, I’m not sure how anything like heaven could be real. My grandmother was a devoted Catholic and she’s gone. I don’t know how to understand that she’s just gone. I don’t think I’ll see her again someday, I don’t think her spirit is with me or is watching over me, she’s just gone and that’s honestly as horrifying as if I were to believe she could watch over me right now (which is a concept that gave me extreme anxiety as a child. The idea that my loved ones could watch and judge me from above) I have not grieved her properly yet. She was a very anxious woman herself, and chose to not have awake funeral or burial. When she died in the hospital, I kissed her forehead and she was gone. I will never see her again, and I have nothing to visit, no grave to put flowers on, and no closure.

Obviously, her thoughts and feelings were complicated. I could get into the details of my family dynamics and all that but I don’t know.. I can’t change anything so what’s the point, right? it’s all out of my control ..

Ciao

#diary entry

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viatagrinner · 1 year

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Leon Dompteur. Propose to you. Ch. 1-3. Premium End. His Pov

Chapter 1.

Evening Party.

Leon, having become king, became even busier than usual.

Leon went away to talk to the Duke.

(I don't want Leon to defend me. I want to be someone who can support Leon.)

Ever since MC became Leon's lover, she has been trying every day: learning domestic politics, languages, practicing manners and dancing, socializing with aristocrats.

MC befriended two ladies her age.

The heroine met Celia and Arlette/Allette. The two girls, usually the center of attention, were hiding today. Their fathers are quarreling, for Arlette has "stolen" Celia's fiancé.

But Celia is not worried about that; it is only a "symbolic" engagement. What's worse is that she won't be able to talk to her friend.

MC tries to console Celia. The noble ladies laugh and praise the heroine for her kindness. This is why she was chosen by the king.

The heroine is saddened to herself; she is not an official fiancée, but only a lover.

(Leon never brings it up.)

Leon appears, having apologized to the ice, he takes her to the Duke.

He introduces her as his "beloved."

The Duke is pleased with the girl. He has heard that she is a commoner, but it does not seem so.

Leon: Yeah, I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

As he embraced her, the king smiled.

Leon: With MC next to me, I can see a bright future no matter what the situation is.

Leon: I feel motivated to work hard to achieve that future. Isn't that great?

Leon and the Duke laughed. The nobleman's expression softened.

(Leon is beautiful, after all.)

She has so much to learn to become a woman worthy to stand beside him.

The girl did not notice how Leon, looking at her, became thoughtful.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Leon's room. After party.

They, sitting on the bed, discuss the party.

MC: Did I act right?

Leon: What do you think?

MC: I think I did okay.

Leon: Then that's your answer. I said I was proud of you, and I wasn't lying.

Leon: Also, it's true that I always see a bright future when you're here.

Leon: Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I feel happy.

Firmly, hugging MC her lover laid her down on the sheets.

Leon: ....MC, I love you.

Leon: [quotes novel] If I don't get your love, I'd rather kill myself. Without y.our love, life is empty.

MC: I love Leon. As long as I have Leon's love, I'm happy no matter where I am or what I do.

Kissing and sex. [But it's free sex, so other than "they shared each other's warmth", nothing was written. 😒]

When the girl woke up, she saw that her man was awake and looking at her affectionately.

(My sleeping face he saw. It's embarrassing.)

MC: Leon, why are you looking at me?

Leon: Ah, you're so cute when you sleep.

After stroking her head, the king changed his tone.

Leon: I have a favor to ask of you.

He wants to have a tea party, it's an important job and if a girl needs advice or help let her feel free.

It's a very important job, MC thinks. It's a big responsibility.

(So Leon believes in me.)

MC: Great. I'll do my best.

(I really want to be the woman who can support Leon....)

Leon: Thank you.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

The days went by...

She was selecting nobles, making lists, choosing menus and locations for the tea party.

MC was tired, but satisfied. Each day is very busy.

(By working hard every day...I was able to grow properly.)

And Leon noticed that.

Chapter 2.

The night before the tea party.

Leon came to MC bedroom, he made tea.

(My favorite herbal tea....)

MC asks Leon why he doesn't ask how the preparations for the party are going.

Instead of answering, he kisses her. And asks the girl to be more confident.

Leon: I won't let you do what you think you can't do.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Tea Party Day.

The tables are decorated with flowers, sweets... There are lots of smiles all around.

However, two men are arguing... MC sees her prince.

(... Normally Leon would have taken the initiative to run the place, right? But right now he's not doing anything.)

(That's because...you trust me and leave everything to me.)

These two, former friends, are the fathers of Celia and Aletta/Arletta.

But MC notices that they are more concerned with themselves than with their daughters.

What would Leon have done at that moment? After all, he is so good at winning people's hearts.

Under the silent approval of her lover, she approaches the two men.

Saying that she is a friend of Aletta and Celia. They were open and friendly to her.

MC: I want them to think for themselves and act accordingly, not follow the crowd...

MC: I respect those girls who take care of their "true happiness".

MC: You can see the mutual respect they have for each other.

The two men are looking down, silent. Maybe there's a chance they'll reconcile. In the meantime, they left... The festivities continued. Someone tapped the girl on the shoulder.

Leon complimented her. MC admitted that she was imitating him.

MC: When you convince people, Leon always leaves the final decision to the other person, right?

Leon: Hahaha... imitating me, right? Good idea, right?

MC: Just as Leon was watching me from the sidelines, I was watching Leon from the closest point of view.

Leon: After the tea party is over, I want to talk to you about something.

Chapter 3. Premium End. His POV

A few days before the tea party.

After the party. MC is lying next to Leon, and he is scrolling through recent events in his head.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Flashback:

He sees MC chatting with Alette and Celia. And he hears them talking. How they praise MC, how they say she and Leon are right for each other.

End of flashback.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

He has wanted to make the girl his fiancée for a long time, but waits until "her heart is ready."

MC is a serious hard worker.

If she takes on the burden of being the king's bride without feeling confident, she will drive herself into a corner.

Leon sees that his beloved has the good ability to be queen.

As she sleeps, Leon strokes her head. MC smiles.

(Laughs. Maybe she's having a good dream.)

Nevertheless, a plan has emerged in his mind. He wants MC to organize a tea party.

He believes that organizing the event can help her feel confident.

Watching MC's energetic work in her spare time has become his secret pleasure every day.

Jin: MC, you've been working hard lately. Is it for him? You're so sweet and energetic.

Jin approaches and throws a teasing glance at the prince, to which Leon smiles back.

Leon: Yeah, isn't she cute?

(I love watching MC work so hard.)

(That you're there for me is really the most important thing.)

(But..... It's an undeniable fact that if you become the King's wife it will be a heavy burden on you.)

(I know you have the strength to overcome difficulties.)

(Besides, even if you say you will do your best, I want to support you.)

Jin: Leon, you are so happy.

Leon: Oh, I'm happy. It's all because of her.

(Yeah...I'm happy.)

(...But I want to be happier. And I want to make her happy too.)

It turned out that the outfits and rings were ready a long time ago.

(Sorry, greedy lover?)

MC saw Leon and threw herself into his arms.

(I'll be sure to make you happy. So, excuse me?)

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Tea Party Ceremony.

The two nobles quarreled, but MC showed wisdom and perseverance, and reconciled them.

(You certainly have what it takes to be a queen.)

When he told her of his sincere feelings, the heroine's eyes lit up like a child's.

She told him that what helped her cope was the thought of how Leon would have handled the situation. She could study him because she was the closest one.

Leon, on the other hand, thinks about how he wants it to be forever, that both he and MC are there for each other.

Leon: After the tea party is over, I want to talk to you about something.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

On the balcony.

Leon puts a ring on the girl's finger without a word.

She is shocked.

Leon: If you know what I mean?

MC's cheeks turn red.

Leon: I'm the only one who can make you happier than anyone else, right?

(I'll take all of you, just as you took all of me.)

(I'll take all the loneliness and sadness and turn them into happiness with my own hands.)

After that he kissed her fingers.

(I want to make you my own.)

(I want you to feel my love, I want you to melt, I want you to be able to think of nothing else.)

Leon: Of course, this ring is proof that you and I are going to live together. And it's proof that I will love you for life.

Leon: I swear I'll make you happier than anyone else in the world.

MC is trembling. The prince embraces her.

Leon: Every day I will teach you a happiness that surpasses "yesterday".

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Leon himself began to prepare the wedding. He invited his brothers, chose a place, and asked Sariel to be a witness/to perform the ceremony.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Engagement Day.

Leon walked beside MC, who was wearing an engagement dress.

Eventually, as they walked up the aisle, they swore their love and exchanged rings.

In the solemn setting, Sariel and the brothers watch Leon and MC with gentle smiles.

(I was alone, but now I have everyone's blessing and I can be with the one I love.)

(Even if I told the old me, he wouldn't believe me. Such a dream cannot exist...)

(This is my, and only my, happiness.)

(I have MC, and I am here because I am living my life.)

(Because "me" is a different person than that Leon.)

Leon: I love you with all my heart. The fact that I love you is what makes me who I am.

Leon: I'll never let you go. Stay close to me, okay?

(I won't let you go... I can't let you go.)

Then they signed their engagement letter, and the engagement ceremony ended safely.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Leon: From now on, don't take your eyes off me, okay?

Leon: Because I'm not letting you out of my sight either. For the rest of my life, right?

(I want to see your smile, your sad face, your angry face. I love you just the way you are.)

Leon: Let's continue to make life more interesting than a story, just the two of us, hand in hand.

MC: Yeah. I'll... I'll never let go of that hand.

The moment MC took his hand, a wind blew in from somewhere, bringing with it many petals.

(That sounds like a blessing, doesn't it?)

In the midst of the beautiful scene of falling flower petals, Leon thought of a bright future and smiled at MC.

#ikemen prince #ikemen ouji #ikepri #ikepri translation #leon dompteur #ikemen leon #ikemen prince leon #ikepri leon

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wakanai · 6 months

Text

Red Flag Reblog Game (?) but also a rant lol.

in honour of 'cutting off' a friend I didn't like (not really cutting off but more like. being honest about how I feel and both of us mutually deciding to not be as close as before as a result),

let me make a list of my red flags.

Because this is the second time I've cut off a friend like this 😭

Okay here we go...

🚩 Gets drained easily. High need of alone time.

🚩 Seen zones and late replies. Does not like people who can't understand my seen zones and late replies even after I've explained to them this habit before hand.

🚩 Deletes messages. I delete messages and then send a new message when I feel like the OG message could have been better phrased. I delete messages randomly sometimes for other reasons too.

🚩 Does not like clingy people who need to talk to me or be with me 24/7. This friend I 'cut off' (ughh cut off isn't rlly the right word. maybe, 'demoted friendship'? IDK 😭. Yeah lets just call it DS).

This friend I DSed once followed me w the intentions of dropping me to my driver. I told her, "I feel like being alone right now."

She said "No." and continued following me so I ended up talking to her. It was a good convo but I didn't like that she didn't take me seriously.

Next day, she tried to follow me again but I said "No I'm serious" sternly and started walking fast away from her

🚩 Acts light hearted during confrontations. When I confront someone abt something they did that bothers me, I say it in a light tone as to not 'hurt' them too much. This leads to them sometimes not taking me seriously.

🚩 Good at pretending that everything's fine. In 2 of my friendships, I have ignored their grieviances against me until the point it piled up, I had harbored too much hidden dislike against them and the next time I confronted them abt it, it was when I was already cutting them off.

Both friendships were shocked and did not expect that I had harbored things against them

🚩 Sensitive. (not really a red flag but you know, the thing w my friend I just DSed - - she said she just had satirical humour. She told me (not actual words) , 'I told you many times not to take my words at face value. If you haven't learned that, then clearly you aren't learning.'

In truth, I did not find her 'humour' funny and I found the things she said to me while we were still friends extremely discouraging 😭

🚩 Does not say everything that's on my mind at times.

🚩 Not pushy. In some situations - you NEED to be pushy. I am bad at being pushy but every day is progress ig

🚩 Might be socially awkward <<sometimes>>

🚩 can be rough w friends sometimes. <<sometimes>> (never with ill intentions though!! I don't do it to hurt them, it's just my hands are kind of heavy ig 😭)

🚩 Not confident in self.

🚩 Does not talk much about myself.

🚩 procrastinator

🚩 Dense. Dense. Dense. Dense. Do not give me 'hints' about how you feel. I might not interpret them properly.

🚩 People get attached to me because I listen to them. In fact, I LIKE listening to them. If they're my friend, I comfort them and am there for them.

It's when they start hurting me that I start hating them.

As mentioned above, I have a tendency to tolerate A LOT before deciding I don't like them as my friend.

Since I tolerate a lot, and act normal,

They usually get caught off guard when I tell them my feelings.

By the time I explain that I dislike them and/or want to 'take a break' or 'cut them off' they get shocked and sad

because they've been sharing intimate things to me and now they're about to lose me.

A lot of times I'm the 'listener' friend or 'the therapist' friend.

If I had to put it in words, sometimes I'm a machine that absorbs the rants and troubles of other people and gives them comfort. I use the word 'machine' because to SOME people (some not all) - I feel like a tool that they use when they need to express their emotions. Just a tool. Nothing more. They don't treat me well.

When I dislike the person, that machine runs out of battery and suddenly dies. But while it's still alive, this machine may not give a sign that it's running out of battery.

So the person continues hurting it and using it. And it suddenly dies on the person.

So the person is left feeling sad, confused, angry, and maybe regretful..but they probably understand. because the machine gives them an explanation.

If they don't understand, not my problem 😭

Yeah I think that's all my red flags. IDK.

Another thing

I guess it would be interesting and fun to see other people reblog this with their own red flags. So if u want to, feel free. feel free to rant ur experiences as well ig.

#random #I prob have more red flags but if i realize them ig ill just edit this post #But regarding those two friendships #I actually don't regret them #I feel glad im free of them #I deserve better 🤭🤭#First friendship was definitely toxic. NO NO NOOO INTENTIONS of going back to that person #Second friendship was more sad #Cause she explained that i just didnt get her humor #and she was a green flag plenty of times #but ehhhhhh #as i think abt it i actually dont regret losing her either #as sad as it is i didnt feel comfortable around her and she discouraged me lots of times. We also didnt click a lot.#if she takes time to reflect on the things i told her she'll understand why i dont like her #friendship #reblog game kinda (only if ppl reblog this)#red flags in friendship #If uve noticed a red flag in me that wasn't mentioned - feel free to send me an ask ig #can't guarantee that ill answer it haha but yeah

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spaceyflowers · 1 year

Note

can u share your backstory for jay (if u want) i am very curious

omg,, you are in for a ride of me making shit up (thank u for showing interest <3!!)

i'll be brainrotting about jay and his family below!!

obligatory disclaimer even if its obvious: I Am Making Shit Up (or at least loosely basing some things on canon), you are free to look away and disagree 😭‼️

ptj wont give us anything about jay i'll do it myself.

this is almost 2k+ words help

okay so in my mind jay's general upbringing is the classic "rich kid gets neglected by their parent(s)" story. also yes im assuming his mom is dead because she's never brought up 💔 she died from a natural cause like illness and it's a sore spot in the family to talk about her, especially because she was the closest to jay, who is essentially the black sheep of the family

growing up, jay always had difficulty socializing and speaking as it made him anxious. plus, he was naturally an introvert unlike his older brother, kitae, and younger sister, joy. his parents grew concerned and while his mother was much more sympathetic, his dad felt it was important for jay to learn the necessary life skills of socializing properly so he signed him up for some classes that would supposedly help with that.

steve had good intentions but all it did was make jay close up even more and slightly resent his dad. so, he grew even more quiet, to the point he wouldn't talk at all, which snowballed into selective mutism. he refused to talk to anyone that wasn't his mother or sister, and even then it was rare and would only be in a quiet voice.

his mother was always kind and gentle with jay, never forcing him to talk, but always encouraging him to make friends. joy was too young to understand jay's anxieties with talking, and all her child self knew was that her brother just didn't talk and that was fine to her.

after their mother's passing, jay ended up growing more close to joy because she was really the only one he had left. the two had always got along and been together, and jay thought it was nice being an older brother. he liked joy's bubbly and friendly personality and how they were able to be playfully competitive in a friendly way. it was like their break from the real competitive business world they saw their dad involved in that they knew they would probably get into as they got older.

as for kitae... he's a few years older than the two, so there was always an age difference keeping them apart (jay and joy are like 1-2 years apart, kitae is like 5-7 years apart from them). also as the oldest (and as a guy...), kitae had the most attention on him from steve especially because if steve dies then naturally his business goes into his eldest son's hands. thankfully for him, kitae easily fit the role. because of this, he was almost always busy and going out at a young age to make business connections. he never really connected with his younger siblings and it's never bothered him because he saw they at least had each other.

joy feels very awkward about kitae because despite his laidback personality, he's very much a business man. she's her friendly self around him nonetheless. she does wish they were closer, though. as for jay, he also slightly resents his older brother for not making an effort to be there for his younger siblings and because he reminds him of their dad. but he's fine with him. mostly.

speaking of their dad, steve isn't a bad person but he is kind of a bad dad. he tried his best but unfortunately like many parents, he was very much lacking in the emotional support role. he thought providing his kids the best education, general freedom, and the freedom with a lot of money (as long as they didn't spend it on anything stupid/illegal, of course) was enough to express his love. the one who did fill the emotional support role was the mother...

once again, joy is distant from steve just like kitae, but feels slightly less awkward with him because he's more loose(?) and feels less like a business man than kitae does. jay, like i said before, resents steve for pushing him to talk more rather than hear him out and work through his anxieties with him. their relationship is very strained and only grows worse over the years. meanwhile kitae respects and likes steve.

anyways back to jay; basically his only emotional supports were his mom and sister, otherwise he was left on his own with nothing but money and you can imagine how that impacted his upbringing. when all he had was his sister left, he did his best not to burden her because he felt it would be irresponsible of him to as the older brother. and guess what this does to him? yup, he closes up even more.

the only things that brought him comfort was fashion. it always felt nice to dress up and pick clothes/accessories so that became a hobby for him. he also eventually outgrows his anxiety from basically exposure therapy because he was almost always surrounded by people and got used to socializing, but his selective mutism sticks with him.

due to this, he gave off the appearance of being a cold person despite always meaning well, and this didn't translate well with his pre-teen peers. he spent those years friendless, and began to grow numb to loneliness.

also around middle school, aka the age where people are pretty much the worst versions of themselves (usually unintentionally but you know how [pre-]teens are), jay starts to see harsh bullying in his school and stands up for the victims. he is also inspired to become a doctor because after helping patch up the victims, he discovers a passion for wanting to heal people who are hurt.

anyways because he stood up for bully victims, it results in him getting into fights and unsurprisingly, getting more disappointment from his dad.

"if you're going to beat up people, at least be able to explain why!" is what steve said for a while before he grew tired of lecturing his son. even after jay wrote that the people he's hurting are bullies, steve said, "i'm proud that you're a good person, but i still want you to stay out of trouble."

jay does not listen, and almost continues what he was doing out of spite. the fights give him learning experience, but he wants to help protect people without himself getting... well, beat up. so, he decides to ask the strongest person he knows for some martial arts training: miss sophia.

she agrees, but on the condition that his dad knows because she wouldn't feel comfortable doing something behind her boss's back. jay reluctantly agrees and so does steve when he hears the request. all he does is wave his hand and say, "yeah, yeah, he can do whatever he wants at this point. but if he kills somebody, those consequences are his alone."

so, jay gets training and becomes an expert at systema. he's able to help bully victims without himself getting hurt in the process! he also grows close to sophia, finding comfort in her quietness and amusement with her caring straightforwardness. he even begins to view her as a mother figure.

during jay's middle school to high school transition, he at some point heard his dad say something about how hair dye was "overused by kids these days" so he immediately dyed his hair blonde the next day and smiled when his dad stared. aside from that, he liked the look so he decided to keep it.

beginning his highschool years, jay starts to get more seriously involved with his dad's businesses, only because his dad offered and jay wanted a job to make his own money because he can't just borrow from his dad forever. so, he takes up working/leading positions of some businesses, particularly fashion related ones.

also during this same time, his dad gifts him with his own home as well as a butler to take care of it and to keep jay out of trouble. jay is a little relieved to have his own place. as for the butler (who shall remain unamed ig 💔), he's fine with. jay is very polite to him especially seeing that the butler is a good hearted middle aged man, and always makes sure to thank him and pay him extra for his work.

also while living with this man, jay gets to know him and they bond like family. the butler basically becomes jay's father figure <3 (courtesy of this drawing which i still think about 24/7 💖)

protective of him and viewing him as a rather timid, fragile man, jay is surprised to see the man can actually fight. he discovers this on a night they were out shopping and encountered some random hooligans. jay is ready to defend himself and his butler, but the man holds an arm out and says, "i'm the servant, please allow me to deal with this," before kicking ass in a style jay had yet to see.

jay thanks him and then asks what his martial art was. the butler says its kali arnis and jay asks to be taught that. this is where jay learns his 2nd known martial art.

okay now we're finally nearing present day LMAO jay ends up choosing to go to a high school that isn't top tier because honestly he doesnt care and also it was close to his home and allowed him to dabble in his hobby of fashion. of course, he still made sure to pick classes that would allow him to get into a medical college since his real dream was to become a doctor.

kitae teases him about it ("why would you choose a crappy school~?") and steve has slowly stopped caring about what jay chooses to do since jay's getting older and becoming his own person. joy follows after jay since she's also into fashion and doesnt care about top tier stuff like him.

at the high school, jay acts as he does in middle school, standing up for bully victims but staying friendless and alone since either people felt too nervous in his presence or they got bored.

then he meets daniel and yada yada what happens is what happens in the beginning of lookism except i say that jay is nice and open to everyone (like gifting them expensive things to show his gratitude) instead of only paying attention to daniel and everyone realizes, "oh, jay is a nice person, we just had to be patient with him"

also! the fights and trouble jay continues to get into add more to strain the already strained relationship he has with his dad. the breaking point is when his dad tells him to never call him again after jay gets into a fight due to receiving information from him about the whereabouts of people who were pretending to be his sister.

on a positive note, jay grows even closer to his butler. the butler reassures him he works for him and not steve, so he'll always take his side. jay pretty much calls him his new dad at this point.

and of course throughout all this, jay gets a crush on daniel. im also putting him in zoe's position of crushing on both little and big danny ^_^

ahem anyways [puts my lesbian zoe agenda away] thats a story for another day but yeah this is the backstory and characterization i have for jay! and the reason why i am so emotionally attached to him--because when i think of him, i think of this background and development i put into him! so there's my explanation for anyone wondering why i am so attached to a queer bait side character who isn't even relevant anymore <3

#lookism #lookism headcanons #jay hong #brainrotting #answers #jay my beloved (referring to the jay living in my brain)#i spent like 3+ hours on this???? holy shit lol

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t0wardthesun · 1 year

Text

Why I won't subscribe myself to any outside ideology, worldview, or school of thought (for too long)

When I was younger, I went looking for a blanket approach.

I was operating from the conditioning that told me I had to "win at life", and if I only found the best belief system, and did whatever it required of me, I'd come out on top.

I went searching for the meaning of life like a cheat code because I thought if I could "show the world" how capable I was, by mastering what I considered the "best" human game, I'd feel less like a failure.

The lie was “if I’m not doing more/being better than everyone else I’ll never get to have cool experiences and I'll get left behind.”

(This is bullshit)

This is back when I also thought others were the purveyor of my abilities - and teachers, pastors and parents decided how capable I was, rather than knowing and valuing my Self from within (this still feels like a stretch some days).

In my mid-twenties I came to a fork in the road.

Actually, it was more like a brick wall... and when Life saw me trying to scale it with my bare hands, build a ladder out of my own bones and sit at the base with my head banging against it for weeks... it threw me a lifeline.

I began to see things more clearly. I knew I had to stop what I was doing and choose authenticity over success (or at least what looked like success to the outside world) until I could hold my true self properly.

(If you want to find your authentic voice, you've gotta unravel the conditioning that says your authentic voice isn't good enough or valuable, otherwise you'll keep beating yourself up when you get close to expressing it or ignoring it completely in favor of yet another performance).

I went inward and worked on my inner dialogue - my relationship with myself - and built a foundation that couldn't be shaken... I found (and lost and found again) the core of me and am learning how to live from there.

This meant - less showing up on social media, less creating distractions out of thin air, and basically six years of de-conditioning the beliefs that said I had to be anything other than exactly who I am.

Letting go of this way of operating - unhooking from the paradigm of comparison and success/failure - meant giving up the yard stick I'd used to measure myself. I had to stop comparing myself to spiritual teachers, "successful" solopreneurs, social media influencers, and all the people I'd perceived had "won at life".

Because truthfully, no-one has won at life. No-one has "made it". There's no such thing and Life isn't like that. It's not a win/lose game, race, or a competition.

The deeper I've gone, the more I've realized I - and women as a whole - are more complex, nuanced and utterly original than any kind of worldview - no matter how expansive or progressive - can account for.

And as tempting as it is to believe I can find the holy grail and solve all my problems with one religion or way of thinking about or looking at the world, if I just try hard enough, or give up enough, it's not real.

It's scary to feel like you don't belong anywhere, until you realise by the same logic, you also belong everywhere.

Now, subscribing (which ironically means to "contract") to anything outside of myself for too long feels like a squeeze, and not the good kind.

It feels like a denial of all that I am, the infinite, irrepressible and undefinable.

At the end of the day, I deserve more than a surface level quick fix, that promises eternal salvation and offers nothing more than a momentary relief. I deserve the tools to actually understand and be myself, utilize all I have to offer and make the most out of this journey, not just a ladder to climb, a ruler to measure myself or box of someone else's making to fit myself in.

There's a psychology that comes with "success" as the world defines it. It means you're constantly either chasing a carrot or being whipped by a stick (sometimes both). It's usually born out of a sense of powerlessness or inadequacy - constantly seeking a supply that needs to get bigger and bigger. It's an addiction in its own right.

Growth is different. Heart-led living is different. It still starts with the same feelings (and the acknowledgement you can't escape them) ...powerlessness, inadequacy, fear... but instead of being motivated away from them, you allow yourself to sit with, unravel and be unraveled by them. The tool - the symbol, metaphor, sacred text, methodology - is just a tool. And instead of it getting pedestaled and a exalted as an idol, it’s just something you use until you no longer need it.

In a society that's continually programming us to be someone other than who we are - telling us we're wrong and not enough and need to "do better" - the only way to stay intact and aware of our own completeness is to learn how to be ourselves and stay true to that - no matter what.

Taking up our own space and living in our own lane is an ongoing process. It's less about living by others' expectations, and more about creating an internal culture that is natural to you, an environment you can thrive in.

Mine is made up of a combination of all the things I've learnt on the journey so far... which is why I can't begrudge myself the places I've been and the paths I've walked... church... personal development... network marketing... even spirituality... it's all a part of the walk home.

Right now... the tool I'm using is singing. It's connecting me deeper, but I'm not confusing it with who I am, or abandoning myself in order to chase or worship it.

You don't need to chase carrots or beat yourself up with sticks.

(They're not real)

Take them all away and be brave enough to accept what you're left with.

It's good enough.

@t0wardthesun @jaeschaefer

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writers4all · 1 year

Note

Hey, so I saw your post about chatgpt and I was wondering, Can someone who has an expressive language delay and receptive language delay use chatgpt to help. I have those two language impairments plus autism (the kind of autism that gives me aphantasia and makes me struggle with writing) so is it okay that I am using chatgpt to help me write? I use it in a guide kind of way where I send in my writing then ask it to refine it and tell me what I did wrong. I also ask it things like 'how do I fix my imagination when I have none' and "how do I write dialoge/pacing/show and tell" is that fine? I would ask an actual human but the questions I have are so weird that they always get sick of me and they judge and condescend me so I prefer an ai like chatgpt who really helps. I write myself for the most part and chat gpt has helped me improve but I still lack so much clarity in my writing and so I struggle. Also I can't read other things sometimes so I have to send in that to help it explain it to me cuz its just really hard for my brain to understand.

Please help, I don't want to do the wrong thing but if my brain can't understand some writing then I kinda have to use a tool to help... Also audio books didn't help

Hello, anon!

That's an excellent question! I genuinely see nothing wrong with people using it due to impairments, disabilities, disorders, and whatnot. Let's take Stephen Hawking for example. He basically used an AI in order to speak. And let's not forget that the GPS is basically an AI that gives us map locations and the best routes to get from Point A to Point B. We also have voice-to-text as well and various programs that allow us to speak words into our documents and turn it into works of art.

Something else I recommend is going to your local bookstore or thrift shop to see if there are any textbooks or writing guides on how to improve your own writing. In fact, I plan on making posts in the future talking about various textbooks and writing guides that I own along with going into detail about my thoughts and opinions on them. They're rather neat. Now if, for whatever given reason, you're not able to afford said books I would just write down the Book Title + Author and then go to Library Genesis's website to see if you can download it for free.

AIs are great in practice and to genuinely help people. Heck, I don't even mind people using it to get some ideas for their fanfics or to have it give randomized prompts. It's just that I'm not too keen on the whole "I want ChatGPT to write out a 50,000 word fanfic or story for me so I can upload it, publish it, and claim it as my own originality." fiasco. Stating that you had an AI write the whole thing is one thing. But if you used the AI to help you get into the right direction because you genuinely need help? That's okay! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, I promise. Why? Because we all need help. Not only that but socializing is hard.

I also want to say that I'm genuinely sorry that people find your questions annoying. As someone who struggles with properly wording and phrasing thing properly, myself, I feel your pain. One of the reasons for this is because vocabulary and definitions have never been my strong suit — it's always been spelling, ironically enough. I always feel like I'm going to confuse and/or annoy people with my questions because I'm a genuinely curious person who loves learning new things but am unable to properly phrase anything. So I can 100% sympathize and empathize with you on that!

There's also nothing wrong with audio books not helping. It's not for everyone. Some people do better reading in silence. Some people do better reading aloud. Some people do better reading with music. I'm sure you get the point by now. And the same is equally true for white noise and ASMRs. I often think people forget that it's never a "One Size Fits All" kind of scenario. The same can be said about clothes, medicine, makeup, programs, video games, languages and the whole nine yards. We're not made out of clay and made to be exactly the same. We're all uniquely different. Besides ... it's like one of my best friends says, "I don't want to be normal. Normal is a cycle on the washing machine."

With that being said, I definitely recommend you doing whatever helps you and makes you most comfortable. I can guarantee that there's no judgement coming from my end and the most I would ask is "Why?" Simple as that.

#anonymous #artificial intelligence #ai #ai chatbot #ai chatgpt #chatgpt #dall e ai #grammarly #notion #cleverbot #disabilities #disorders #impairments

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therobynhood · 1 year

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Get to Know Me

__________________________________

A LIKKLE CHAT CHAT WITH THE ONE & ONLY

P E T R ÏI C E

{petrïice}

Hey Everyone, I'm so excited to meet you all! This a long time coming and though I'm bubbling with joy at discovering this app; let me properly introduce myself first.

💜 💜

My name is Petrice. I am 20 yrs old with a strong background in the arts. I've majored in vocal music, singing for as long as I can remember. Always loved performing, whether it was playing out my own imagination with family and friends or sharing a stage with peers. However when I wrote I felt like I was emerged in a whole other world.

Writing is my chance to escape the human rituals of socialization, competition, and seek the most pure form of creativity. It's my mojo of getting in tune with my vulnerability, something I struggle with and currently working on. When you share words and spread thoughts and vital information together, a community is grown. You become connected with others like it's telepathically, I see words as a source of power.

So, I hope to use this powerful app and not only create my own world surrounded with you, a beautiful and unique community...but to share my passions and gifts and be encouraged along my upcoming journey.

Share this journey with me as I open up to you guys emotionally, visually, artistically, and so much more. I hope to share my aspirations as I learn to be independent and take action on my dreams, to inspire another black girl to embrace her true self whatever form it may be and be proud. Of our history, and reminding each other of our crowns.

We are royalty. No matter who you are, what you are, how you look like. You are beautiful. A King. A Queen. Naturally perfect. Flaws and all.

Asé.

I'm not sure where life is taking me, currently. However I am passionate in all I do. I will never give up ony dreams, even with as harsh adulthood can be. My last name used to be 'Robinson'. Hence growing through this "breaking out my cocoon" era of adulting changing from caterpillar to future butterfly, I name this page therobynnhood.

__________________________________

Game Time

And don't worry, we're gonna make this fun. Let's switch up the energy. I love a good game and I think this will be a great way of getting to know y'all and vice versa.

We will be playing...(drumroll please)

🥁 🥁 🥁

21 Questions!!!

Okay well for the sake of time and I'm sure we are all busy, really ten questions LOL!!!

Let's Begin, shall we??

*Knocking off first for five, for the bonus round y'all can still tag them tho*

1. Petrice Natalee Thompson

2. SCORPIOOOO (sun, moon, Leo rising)

3. Hmmm. Not sure. Okay for starters being a failure/disappointment. Being abandoned or given up on by someone I opened up to the most or want to be proud of me. My nightmares coming to life.

4. Carribean 🇯🇲 meals, poetry, DANCINGGG

5. Physical affection/warmth, bomb natural hairstyle, deep one-on-one talks, high movement activities (skating, track, exercise etc.). Anddddd sensual aesthetic

*5 more at random*

33. Single taken husband complicated lol.

25. OMGGGG YESSS. WITH THE POPO YALL IT WAS MESSY. (Storytime???🤭)

42. Emotional prayer with my aunt.

20. Their outer personality. How much they smile/ how external or internal they are. I love to observe a person first on their personality rather than immediate out side looks. But if we are talking about the outside, I like a warm neutral expression someone who seems interested or notice me first. Attract, not chase lol.

11. I miss having friends🫠. So guys y'all are my new besties now.

B O N U S R O U N D

GET TO KNOW ME TAGGGGG🤭😜

{now it's ur turn!!!!}

The Rules:

Tag a number and let me get a sneak peek into you. I'll answer it in return/tag you back in a repost. (please kindly comment any questions or concerns/feel free to reach out to me)

Now leggggooooooo

This is a safe space. No judgement. Be your self.

Welcome to therobynnhood.

-📖🗝️,

Petrice

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aaluminiumas · 2 years

Text

Millie's Diary

If you're hooked, read the whole fanfic here.

March, 11

It’s my 17th birthday, and I’m not celebrating… again. I mean, it came as no surprise, there’s nothing to do anyway, but I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. What do other girls my age do? They date guys, go clubbing, they… I don’t know? I feel so incredibly lonely that I started this stupid diary. Stupid diary for stupid Millie.

March, 17

Dear Diary,

I am sorry I didn’t introduce myself properly. I felt so terribly overwhelmed that I totally forgot about decency.

Name’s Mildred, 17. I live on Crockett Island. It is a very close-knit community in WA. I live with my parents. Dad’s a fisherman, as most men here, and Mom’s a paramedic. Well, she’s actually a nurse at the local hospital, but doctors don’t last long here, and she’s learned a lot herself. The only thing she might not know well is surgery, but Crockett is a quiet place with few severe injuries happening. Typically, such things are treated on the mainland, and the ferryman can be amenable if he wants to.

Every Sunday we go to church, and that’s the center of our social life. People chat before mass, discuss all sort of nonsense. I’m not a huge fan of either, though: by Sunday, everybody has expressed their opinion, and here they just sum things up. As for the sermons… well, Reverend Carver is obviously a nice man, but I—more often than not—fall asleep right on the pews. I wish he hadn’t been so monotonous and slipped a joke from time to time, but all he does is endless droning. Jesus did this, Jesus did that… Jesus had better be doing my homework. Sure he can handle a few formulas, huh?

Anyways, gotta go. Continue tomorrow.

Love,

Millie

March, 20

(Should’ve been March, 18, but I failed)

(Sorry)

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I didn’t make it ‘tomorrow.’ The homework was tremendous, and Mom needed a hand: I filled a register while she was running through medical records. We do it once a month or so. She wants to keep everything in order in case there’s a patient delaying a checkup. Inspector, really.

Anyways, where did I stop?

I wanted to tell you about our little island, but actually, there’s not much to say. Men are primarily fishermen, you already know that; women do other jobs, and those who still can prefer to flee. I would love to. I mean, I love this place, but… I don’t see much prospect here? I hope I will get to college. You see, our school’s not too good: the old lenient Mrs. Keane is hard of hearing, and she doesn’t even seem to care. Her husband, the intimidating Mr. Keane, the chemistry teacher (we call him Vigilante), is, on the contrary, rigorous and demands we explain everything on seven pages, no less. He also gives us physics lessons. And mathematics, too.

Dad takes me to the mainland every now and then, so I can get a glimpse of what people do outside our community. I do hope I will make it to college.

Love,

Millie

March, 27

Today’s sermon was a disaster. Reverend Carver spoke about Jerusalem, miracles and all, but I wouldn’t listen. Does it even make any sense? Luckily, I sneaked a book from a library. Yay, miracles do exist!

Love,

Millie

April, 10

Dear Diary,

I’m so fed up with this island, with those people, with this goddamn church directing me what to do and how to live! Why do I necessarily have to go there? I hate it. I hate Carver with his infinite lectures; I hate whining Mrs. Keane trying to complain about God knows what, I hate her husband, I hate the Gunnings with their pious faces, I hate EVERYTHING!!!!

April, 12

Dear Diary,

Dad didn’t take me to the mainland. He kissed me on the forehead and said that I was a good girl. A stubborn one, but good. Mom sniffed and said that those F’s in Mr. Kean’s class claimed otherwise. Fuck Mr. Keane. Fuck Mom too.

June, 9

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been a while! Too many things at once. A new doctor came, so Mom’s all occupied showing him around. I like him, actually. New people are always good. Is there a chance that odious Carver gets replaced? I’m done listening to his feeble attempts at mass.

But that’s beside the point. You know, I met someone. He’s exceptional. I wouldn’t say this is the love of my life, but I do feel something stirring in me. He takes my hand, and I immediately start smiling. We even kissed. I feel so dumb, so dumb! We crawled out of the church while the whole island was there, and he kissed me on the lips right in the grove behind it. Can you imagine? I feel like a sinner. Maybe I am? Not that I care.

Love,

Millie

July, 12

Dear Diary,

I am so nervous. God, I am so nervous, so nervous, so nervous! He says that we should move further on, but I don’t understand what he wants? I need to talk to someone, but it’s like a desert, you know? Dad’s out working, Mom’s… well, she’s changed. She’s always been irritable, but this is beyond comparison. Friends are of no help: I don’t want the whole island to know about my relationship! This is ridiculous.

Millie

July, 14

Mom knows everything. She may have known from the very beginning, but when I tried to buttonhole her, trying to pry into her past and maybe get a piece of advice (for a friend, yeah), I realized that she was staring at me a little too intently. It was like a huge snowball. She spoke about God, about sins, about Devil and seduction, embarrassed me, saying that I should never let a man ‘slip into my panties’ before marriage. It is a disgusting thing, she said, and it is absolutely unacceptable at my age. People do it to make children, she said. I never even thought of it, I swear. I swear! We never even discussed that! All we did was a little kissing in the grove! Why does she have to be so rude? Did I do anything wrong?..

September, 14

School. Again.

I didn’t have much energy to write, but now I think I’m here back again. For a while. Lessons getting tougher, Mr. Keane is turning into a monster with a ruler. When does it end? Finals, finals, come along, lemme leave that dreadful home!

December, 23

We broke up.

Merry Christmas, I guess.

#midnight mass #millie #mildred gunning #father paul hill #monsignor pruitt #john x millie #hamish linklater

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prettylittlelucygoose · 2 years

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A Letter to the RPC

I don’t usually do OOC posts, I have a big rule about keeping the OOC stuff on the OOC blog, however, a couple of days ago I came across one of those blogs that talk about the celebrity roleplay groups, players and admins in the community. After reading through the blog I sent them a response and last I checked they hadn’t posted it or said anything about it so I’m posting it myself because I feel like everyone who knows me or has heard of me should read this.

https://celebrpanonymous.tumblr.com/ is the blog

-Sarah

Hello, there, Sarah here. I just discovered this blog today and I took the time to read everything that was said about me and I wanted to reply if that's okay? You can post this if you wish to.

I have been around since almost the very beginning of tumblr RP. I've started several groups and I've been in a few other groups I never was the admin for. I started roleplaying in October 2011 and opened celebrpg in 2012. At the time I was in a different group and didn't like how it was run and decided to open a group that was for the players. Where they got to do more of what they wanted. I'm truly sorry to everyone if that never came across or didn't come out exactly right, but that's always been my MO in every group I open. I noticed someone said something about my lack of social skills and how I shouldn't be a head mod because of them. I'm on the autism spectrum, something I didn't know until I was in my mid twenties. Also in my mid twenties I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and 3 years ago my husband killed himself. Tumblr RP was the only thing that held me together the last 11 years and I personally don't think anyone should be told they can't do something because they're socially awkward if it's something that is saving their life. I try really hard to be nice and friendly to everyone and what most people take as a tone or me getting upset isn't anything of the sort. I DO have social issues, I DO have a tendency to defend myself because I've always felt very misunderstood, but I NEVER meant to make so many people upset.

I've planned quite a few plots with people, I've been screwed over on plots that were promised to me but then the other player changed their mind and then I myself have changed my mind about something too. I've gotten upset OOC when a ship I love ends (and so have other people) and maybe me expressing myself to people I thought were my friends got taken the wrong way. I've talked to a few people about how they thought I was trying to guilt them into something when I swear I wasn't. On my end it feels like someone tells me something, I give them my opinion, and then suddenly I'm the bad person who's guilting them into something. Of course I've been sad when I've lost ships. Ships that were my main source of escape at that particular time period and I expressed my sadness. Maybe that came off as a different emotion? Maybe I don't know how to express tone properly when writing as myself so I do always try to clarify what I mean. That was something that took me a long time to figure out how to do but once I was diagnosed bipolar I had to start learning my triggers and moods and over the years how my perception is different on things than most people. Me expressing my sadness about losing a ship was NEVER me trying to guilt anyone into anything, just like when people have expressed their sadness to me about a ship ending because I didnt want to do it anymore I never took their sadness as guilt tripping so I've never understood why I've been taken that way.

I don't want to make excuses for the way I was in the past and I know that's what it sounds like I'm doing, but what I am trying to do here is get people to know that I have no bad intentions. I just want to play and when a group has been open as long as carpediem has it does build up a lot of history. It's a lot of time and effort that people have put into storylines. It's not fair for the players still in the group to have to give up their storylines when they're the ones who have played them all this time. Now, if both/all players involved in a plot leave the group then all the history gets erased and that's happened several times. There are certain plot points that are too major to the game play, to the overall storyline that would be too hard to erase now unless the whole group were to erase EVERYTHING and start brand new (which has been an option thrown around a couple times over the years) The history rule isn't meant to force people into things, it's to keep things realistic because in real life we can't just erase parts of our past.

The last thing I want to address is my lack of time on the main page. Over the years I saw groups get super strict with their activity rules to the point where people who had jobs and school and other things to do couldn't keep up and they'd get removed. I'm 33 years old with a full time job and a part time job. I'm trying to stay afloat since my husband died and it's not easy. I don't have the time to get online and promote the main page like I used to when my husband was alive or before I moved in with him and all I did was sit in bed all day too depressed to do anything else. I've come a long way on that aspect but I still want to RP. I still want to have a place where people can come and go and not worry about losing their roll because they haven't been active for a week. The activity became lax at carpediem and because of my husband dying and living where I was living I didn't and still don't have internet. Everything I do on the computer has to be done during the time that I'm in the office and if work is really busy that day well then unfortunately whatever work I wanted to do for the group was pushed aside. Britt stepped up a lot and started helping out in every single way possible and if it wasn't for her the group probably would have closed a long time ago. Carpediem is a group of people who have busy real lives, who can't get on every day, but I like to believe we're all still invested to these lines we've been writing for almost 8 years and that's why certain people are still there.

I want to genuinely apologize to everyone who has felt some type of way from me. I try really hard and I have the best intentions but I feel like Rachel Berry in Glee singing "Get it Right." Reading the things that were said about me on this blog made me feel absolutely horrible about myself. I never knew that people hated me so much, especially in the one place I actually felt free to be myself for a long time. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry and I'll continue to try to be better.

#roleplay #rpc #celebrity roleplay #hollywood roleplay #fame rp #rp #ooc

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tabaquis-barking · 1 year

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legitimately at a point where I just don't think I'm fit for human relationships. expressing boundaries or trying to ask for things/maintain comfort seems to routinely blow up in my face. I was raised to be a people pleaser and only consider the needs and wants of others, but even when trying I seem inadequate. Either I can't fulfill expectations as desired (usually for reasons related to autism, which is not something I can fix) or I try to as a sole form of interaction, am told to stop, attempt to stop, and them promptly cause frustration because my behavior changes. I can warn people that I'm only familiar with pleasing--that I communicate needs hesitantly and unsurely--that I am BAD at it--all I want, and everyone THINKS it'll be fine until they realize just how bad it really is.

I feel like a poorly socialized high drive dog. I was suppose to perform the hell out of a specific job but grew up without that job in an inappropriate environment, became intolerable, and got dumped. People think they can fix me and have something they want, or they can tolerate me in exchange for some kind of benefit I can provide, and then they realize I'm anxious and loud and unruly, I bark at passing cars and I nip at strangers and I don't walk properly on a leash, and they hate me for it.

I was never listened to. I learned to scream for what I needed and they didn't listen to that, so I stopped asking but screaming was all I had. Now I just scream about nothing and no one gets it. No one listens because I don't know how to ask anymore, I'm just incoherent and loud.

No one thinks I can take care of myself because they always see me failing, and no one seems to comprehend that I'm only CAPABLE of taking care of myself alone.

It's just one big, sad, contradictory joke.

Coming to New York was a mistake. Maybe I'd have been kidnapped or mugged or assaulted and left for dead if I'd come alone, right?

Or maybe if I'd come alone, I would have just been okay.

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petitelepus · 2 years

Note

(sorry if the formatting is wonky, I'm on my phone. Also I hope this sends properly? I've been having problems sending asks lately)

Hi there, I was wondering if I could get a TWST match up?

I’m NB (he/they) and pan. INTJ and 5w4, if that helps you grasp my personality.

When it comes to interacting with others, I’m a rather quiet person, not one to approach anyone first or start a conversation because haha what are social skills. But when I feel at ease, I'll do or say anything and everything that comes to mind. I can talk your ear off when I’m passionate about something, and I tend to be opinionated and stubborn, but I still try to be kind.

I have a lot of things I’m passionate about, and can be rather ambitious with my plans. Plus I love learning about anything and everything (though classes take away that enjoyment lol, I hate going to classes and would rather teach myself things).

I’m a literature student in university but I have learnt about art history, calculus, chemistry, astronomy, physics, architecture and computer programming over the years; I am decent at three languages, learning three others, and aspire to be a polyglot.

I consider myself to be very artistic as I’m a ballet + contemporary dancer, a theatre kid, a singer, I’m currently learning piano and used to play the drums when I was younger. I also love to exercise, I’m a fencer and do bouldering from time to time.

I tend to always seek some sort of stimulation, be it mental or physical, but when I do get some down time or lazy days, I appreciate those with all my being.

I’m never one to back down from a challenge (even if it’s something small and ridiculous, I shaved my eyebrows just because a friend called me a coward) and I like to say that the only reason I exist is spite, but despite being bold I am very scared of intimacy and vulnerability, not allowing myself to show any “weak” side of me like the sad side or the soft side. I’m trying to unlearn that (toxic masculinity is a bitch). I’m very bad at expressing feelings but deep down I’m a romantic. Love letters and old fashioned romance and soft lingering touches and all that.

Appearance wise, I’m short (5’3’’) but have a decent amount of muscle so that won’t stop me from kicking anyone’s ass; I have (very messy) shoulder length, blue hair and dress casually.

I match you with Jade Leech!

What a cute little thing you are! Jade immediately takes a liking to you when you first visit Mostro with all those textbooks with you. Imagine his joy when he comes to take your order and you blush and stutter as you try to order something so you won't get kicked out of the Lounge.

Jade brings you your drink with a smile that makes you wonder if he spat on your drink. No, he just slipped his phone number on the napkin. Smooth Jade smooth. That was the start of you two.

At first, you're quiet around him, but Jade is a gentleman when he wants to be. He can wait until l you open up to him and while he is at it, he gives you sweetnames. He happily listens to you talk about your interests because he likes it how your eyes sparkle in glee when you talk about something you hold close to your heart. You're cutest when you're being stubborn and Jade learned that you have no filter and it's so funny to him.

Jade may be a bastard who might tease you about your pronounces but he makes sure that others honor you and your choices. No one wants to see Jade angry so they do as he says, but mostly everyone respects you and your wishes.

If you focus you can achieve anything you desire. Jade adores and admires your indescribable passion to learn. Not many enjoy studying like you do and it's different in a good way.

You're smart, that goes without saying. If Jade wasn't so sneaky he might say how smart you are, but he is what he is so he just smiles and asks if you learned something new that day. You always reply happily and start repeating everything you learned that day. Jade likes to listen to you because he discovers something that way also.

The longer you and Jade keep seeing each other, the more he learns about you and in general. You're a dancer? Jade chuckles at that because when he came to dry land he had trouble even standing up. You singing? Jade is surprised to hear how good you sound, but instead of giving you a direct compliment, he asks if you are actually a siren? He ends up complimenting you anyways.

Your physique also stuns Jade from time to time. You might be a little shorter, but Jade has a feeling that you could easily take on his twin brother Floyd. You are both strong and it shows.

Don't worry, Jade keeps you busy so you won't get bored. Wanna help around the Mostro? You can try serving customers and if you're eager to learn then Jade will teach you how to make drinks.

Your payment? Well, if you help around then Jade might get out earlier and the two of you can spend more time together, just the two of you. Of course, you can always rest in your room and if you still want to hang out with Jade then he is happy to bring you some sort of dessert from Mostro so you can enjoy your lazy day to the fullest.

Hey, Jade knows that not everyone can be perfect all the time. Okay okay, Jade loves you, BUT he absolutely LOVES daring you to do things that usually end up with him gaining something and making you step out of your comfort zone.

He bets you can't kiss him for 2 minutes straight? You can do it or not, but you would be damned if you didn't kiss him!

Since you're eager to learn, Jade enjoys teaching you to trust him. You're his partner and there must be trust between the two of you. He may tease you, but he does it to everyone.

You can be whatever you want to be and despite being an asshole sometimes, Jade supports you genuinely. If you ever feel down, he is there to tell you how amazing you are and how he loves you for being yourself and not something society expects you to be.

He might be a sneaky and ruthless eel, but he is in love with you and no one else.

#twisted wonderland matchup #twisted wonderland #matchup #twst #jade leech #anon #THIS GOT LONG #SO SORRY

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lotti-lyric · 2 years

Note

Hello! may I request a male romantic match-up please? ♡

Overall personality: I'm a leo, an infp who when you first meet me is very reserved and quiet. Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw if that helps! I am quite shy and prefer to keep to myself mostly when around strangers. I do take a liking to people easily and when I do it helps with warming up to them! Whenever I'm comfortable with someone, I'm more talkative and more vocal about my interests. I really enjoy talking about things I'm interested in and love doing! I am a family person who loves my family dearly! They mean absolutely everything to me and I would do anything for them! I only have one younger brother who I enjoy teasing. I can be very chaotic when I want to be,especially with close friends and family members. I don't have a great sense of humor...if anything my humor is actually quite dark haha- I'm also a workaholic! I strive to do my best and reach as many expectations thrown at me as possible, especially if they’re from my family. Although I stress myself out fairly easily and usually very often. I tend to bottle up my emotions instead of letting them out, one of the reasons are that I don't know how to express myself properly.

Hobbies, likes, dislikes, fun facts: I'm an artist and writer who does both things as a hobby and stress reliever. I enjoy creating stories and OCs! I know how to play the piano and guitar, been playing ever since I was young! I'm also a ballerina, which I also started learning at a very young age. I really enjoy music, art, literature, beaches, nature, reading. I would eat anything given to me but I do particularly like cold things and seafood. I also prefer the cold weather over the hot weather, I always feel sick easily in hot weather. I also absolutely have a fear of the dark and clowns...I hate bugs too, they freak me out. I like to just take some time to have a calming walk outdoors, being in nature is really relaxing for me

Appearance: I'm 5'2ft, I am quite light in weight and very slim. I have dark brown hair with brown eyes along with black glasses. I have been told I have a resting b*tch face, which makes some people assume I'm in a bad mood when I'm just off daydreaming in my own fantasy world. I like wearing oversized and comfy clothes, I don't really care how I look since I stay home most of the time

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this and maybe doing my request! Please take care! I hope you have a lovely day!!

charlotte’s interlude 💗- hi!! i had a lot of fun writing this!! ofc, i hope you enjoy!! tysm for the request, have a great one!! 🎶✨

warnings; repressing emotions, dark humor, food mention

i match you with…

Hitoshi Shinsou!!

this this this this this ^^

i just want to start by saying that you both share a closet

you’ll show up to school in each other’s sweatpants and hoodies

do you get dress coded for not wearing the ua uniform? sure, but you get coded together 💀💗

shinsou isn’t exactly the most outgoing so he loves your reserved nature!! he knows that he can always recharge his social battery with you!!

he could listen to you talk about your passions all day, seriously!! you’ll cuddle and tell him about your day but he won’t sleep until you’re finished, just because he wants to hear your voice 💗

he loves how close you are with your family!! he loves watching you interact with them!

PLS HIS HUMOR IS TOTALLY DARK TOO SO ONE OF YALL WILL MAKE A JOKE AND LAUGH TOGETHER AND EVERYONE ELSE IS SO CONCERNED

he always is there for you when you open up!! he never forces you but always reminds you that you’re in a safe space, that he wouldn’t and couldn’t ever judge you for the way you felt

he is so in love with all of your passions!! watching you dance, reading your work, he’s just so head over heels!!

OK SO YK THE TROPE WHERE THEY PUT THEIR JACKET ON YOU

tHAT BUT HE’S TAKING IT OFF YOU SO YOU DONT OVERHEAT

def buys one of those fans that plug into ur phone for you 💗

hed do anything with you, you guys go on hikes all the time, he’s so cheesy i swear

“Toshi look! Isn’t it pretty?”

“Yeah.. you really are… I MEAN UH-“

awkward boy loves u v much!!

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agirldying · 2 years

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Tw: bullied and ableism

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I’m 80 percent I have autism and that because of that I was bullied in throughout my childhood in ways that I didn’t realize until now. Or at the very least, got mistreated due to my differences. For context, I am 20f, I have been sexually assaulted various times (but that’s a whole different conversation), I’ve been diagnosed with learning disabilities (dyslexia, dyslexia, and slow processing), I’ve been diagnosed with GAD, ptsd, and social anxiety. I have not officially gotten an autism diagnosis. I’ve however experienced the “your borderline autistic phenomenon” and people have argued about me having autism. I’ve done my own research and I’ve found lots of edvience suggesting I do have autism. It’s a bittersweet feeling, idk how a feeling can be both good and bad but this one is. I look back on my childhood and I see the signs of autistic traits I got bullied for, that I didn’t even realize I was getting bullied for at the time. When I was a kid (and still now when I’m alone) I used to do repeative movements, that I now understand to be called stimming. When I would feel an emotion that was intense or when thinking, I would pacing in a circle or I would make my body go in a circle motion (people used called this circling.) I remember doing this in public, not thinking anything of it. But people would make comments about it, that always made me uncomfortable. They say things like, “look (my name) is circling again” then laugh, or “your pacing again, that’s really weird” or “your pacing/circling why don’t you just leave.” Recently, I’ve even had a memory come up of my abusive ex purposely tripping when I was pacing then laughing. After awhile I stopped stimming despite that the fact that it gave me physical discomfort and sometimes even physical pain not to. When I was kid up until 15, I didn’t understand sarcasm and I still have troubles with it sometimes if the person isn’t a family member. I’ve always taken things literally. My friends would always get really angry at me and yell at me when they were being sarcastic and I didn’t realize that they were being sarcastic. The thing with me is, I don’t struggle to identify emotions in others, I can pick up when someone is unhappy. But I struggle to understand why someone is feeling that emotion or why that emotion is causing them to act that way. I’m good at basic ones though, like crying cause your sad. So when I would get even more confused as to why my friends were angry with me, they would just yell even louder and sometimes curse at me. I’ve been called the R word many times in my life. I’ve been forced to make eye contact even though that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I used to always talk about my interests, but I usually just keep them to myself because I’ve been shut down when talking about my interests. I’ve been told that “I can’t like things in a normal way, so shut up”, “I don’t care, this is all you talk about”, “here you go again” and “I’m done listening to you.” Or just straight up got shut down my others. One of my interests is animals and I really like ferrets, I remember talking to my ex bf about it and he just said, “I hate ferrets, I don’t want to talk to you about them.” Which hurts so much. My interests feel intense and there the core of who I am, that’s one of the few ways I know how to connect with others. Socializing has always been really difficult for me and I’ve never known how to behave properly in social settings. Things I get upset about, have always been that I’m just too sensitive. I get upset cause I don’t want to be somewhere that’s really loud cause it’s scary for example, people just say that I’m being sensitive. I get hurt my a comment someone makes and I get told to “calm down” even if I am calm. If I express that I feel upset because my routine/way of doing things is disputed it’s always been I’m over reacting. I feel like I haven’t been seen as a person and I feel like I don’t belong. I’ve also been hit and punched. I just feel sad about this. Thank you for listening.

Hi anon,

As someone who is diagnosed autistic, your experiences align with mine in pretty much every way.

Unfortunately in this NT world, we are expected to change ourselves instead of others making the effort to understand and respect us. I think the best workaround is to surround yourself with people who are interested in hearing your infodumps / special interests infinite times or who are just overall accommodating to you. Limit communication with people who degrade you and make you feel like you have to mask, as I think you have the right to that boundary. You have the right to be respected, especially as an autistic person. If you need any recommendations of supportive communities to make friends in, I'd be happy to provide.

#text #asks #asd #autism #autistic spectrum #autism spectrum disorder #trauma #ptsd #tw #vent #trauma vent #ableism

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