#never gotten so much in such a short amount of time lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jamminvroomvroom · 6 months

Text

everything.

ln x fem!reader

in which you’re his best friend until you’re something more

hi! here you go lmao. probs the fluffiest thing i’ve ever written and i am obsessed with the concept! thank you for being here and baring with me - i loved writing this one and i’d love to hear what you think! huge shoutout to my girlies @mcmuppet and @lavenderlando ily both!

songs that set the mood: pink and white by frank ocean, daylight by harry styles, angel by finneas, enchanted by taylor swift, hate to be lame by lizzy mcalpine

warnings: 18+!! minors dni!! smut, language, friends to lovers brain rot, slight corruption kink, readers first time, qatar angst

6.4k words

“do you wanna talk about it?” you whispered softly, your hand resting on lando’s sagged shoulder.

your eyes were fixed on the third place plaque on his table in front of you, his very much fixed on the floor.

“no.” his reply was short and sweet, his tone conveying exactly how deflated he was.

you’d only flown in to qatar this morning, the october sun hitting you hard as you walked into the paddock, drastically different to the london climate you’d grown accustomed to. lando had all but begged you to come, your evening before spent on the phone, and you knew that he needed a friend, otherwise he never would have asked you to fly halfway around the world.

friends. that’s what you were.

you’d hugged him tight and told him that the weekend had to get better, and then his teammate put it on pole and got his first win. so, yeah, maybe it wasn’t going to get better and not even the podium could cheer him up.

his radio messages had hurt your heart, your chest aching as he self deprecated in the cockpit. he owned his mistakes, sure, but he’d taken it a step too far and you knew you had a job to do. you’d do anything, quite literally anything, to cheer him up.

you’d always found a way to be there for eachother, your friendship spanning five long years after you’d knocked a coffee over a guy you quickly recognised as the new mclaren driver. both nineteen and awkward as hell, you’d um-ed and er-ed and danced around one another in the busy pret in central london, chucking tissues at him, attempting to mop up the frothy mess all over his white sweatshirt.

eventually you’d just burst into laughter, lando immediately following suit. your cheeks were hurting from smiling at the curly haired stranger, intrigued by the very way his faced moved when he laughed, and he’d looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky, not like someone that had just destroyed a brand new hoodie.

and just like that, a connection was born.

you’d gotten used to having a friend for only half the year, but he never let you feel the distance. paddock passes often fell through your letter box and you could usually be located in the background of his streams when he was home long enough to do them, the amount of times you’d been wrongfully accused of being his girlfriend a list as long as your arm. even in those moments of awkwardness, friendship prevailed and you both managed to crack up together about the conspiracy that you were more than friends.

and what an intriguing conspiracy it was.

“we should get you back to the hotel, you need to get some rest.” you told him, standing from the sofa and offering him your hand.

lando grabbed it, squeezing, his own special way of telling you he was grateful for your presence, and let you pull him up. as he tried to walk towards the door, you stopped him, hands on his shoulders. you wanted to shake him, tell him how fucking great he was. you didn’t think he’d appreciate that after an intense session in the car.

“hey, look at me. you got this, okay?” you smiled reassuringly, managing to get the smallest crack back from him, his lips upturning ever so slightly. something in his eyes told you that you’d succeeded, a small glimmer of an emotion that you didn’t know how to unpack.

friends.

that’s what you were.

you tried to ignore how touchy lando was being. you figured he just needed some comfort, physical touch not out of bounds in your friendship, but a new level had been reached.

on the entire walk through the paddock to his car, his hand sat comfortably on the small of your back, despite the endless amount of cameras pointed at you. his hand skimmed your thigh in the car, accidentally, you told yourself, and you had to avert your eyes when his hand graced your headrest as he reversed out of the parking space. knowing that he needed you in qatar so desperately that he’d flown you out was one thing, the way he was treating you once you got there was something else.

he’d opened your door when you pulled up at the hotel valet, helping you out of the car, his hand tucked in yours for a second longer than necessary. once again, his hand seemed to be glued to your lower back the whole way to the elevator.

the ding of the lift had you both shuffling out onto your floor, trailing towards your rooms in a heavy silence, something more left unsaid in the air.

you reached your door first, coming to a stop and shuffling around in your bag for your keycard.

“um, i need to be at the track early tomorrow. breakfast?” lando asked.

you turned to look at him, nodding your head profusely.

“of course, just drop me a message and i’ll come down and meet you.” you affirmed, your fingers finally grasping the piece of plastic that had, of course, fallen to the very bottom of your tardis of a tote bag.

you expected him to leave, but he lingered, as if there was something else on his mind.

“you okay?” you raised an eyebrow, unlocking your door. lando seemed to snap out of it then, awkwardly running a hand through his curls that had taken a brutal hit from the humidity. you liked the look on him, nonetheless.

“yeah, i- yeah, i think i just need some sleep.”

“okay, well, goodnight. let me know if you need anything.” you disappeared through the door then, the tension getting the better of you. you slumped against the shut door, wondering what he so clearly wanted to say.

the clock read 1:32am on your bedside.

a faint tapping had woken you up, and you groggily scanned the room, trying to find the source of the noise. you deduced that it was coming from your door, letting out a groan as you threw the cosy comforter off and trudged towards the disturbance.

you cracked it open, peeking through the gap and coming face to face with your best friend.

“lando?” you croaked, opening the door further.

“i’m sorry, can’t sleep. can i come in? it’s okay if not, i just didn’t know what to do.” he sounded so shy, something you didn’t recognise in the man stood before you, and you quickly swung the door open, ushering him inside.

“come, sit.” you waved for him to follow you across the room to the foot of your bed. he sat down beside you, the mattress dipping.

you patted your lap and he instantly knew what to do, laying down with his head in your lap. it’s something he did quite frequently when you were sprawled on his sofa at home, watching a shitty movie that neither of you were really paying attention to. you’d often be looking at him, praying he didn’t notice, and he’d be playing with your fingers, tracing the palm of your hand.

you couldn’t help yourself, running your hand through his curls. you didn’t mean to, stomach instantly twisting with embarrassment, but it was quickly twisting with something else. his eyes fluttered shut, a low groan falling from the back of his throat. it made your thighs clench, and he must have noticed, the tiniest smirk on his face.

“you okay?” lando asked, his eyes still shut, a look of relaxation finally on his face.

you coughed awkwardly.

“yeah, sorry. are you comfy?” you said teasingly, trying to cut the growing tension in the room.

“i am now, could fall asleep here.”

“you can, you know.” you whispered. his eyes flew open. your heart was hammering in your chest. this was new territory and you were worried you’d fucked up. sleepovers were also a norm, but one of you usually retired to a guest room, not the other side of eachothers beds.

“you want me to stay?” his voice rose in surprise.

“well, i mean, you can if you want, like, there’s space and-“ you rambled.

“do you want me to stay?” he repeated.

“is it gonna help?” you questioned cautiously.

“yes.” the confidence in which he replied did something to you.

“then stay.”

you crawled up the mattress, falling back into the place you’d so comfortably occupied just minutes before. you laid so still, watching with quiet curiosity as he slipped his hoodie off. his shirt came with it ever so slightly, riding up over his back, and you had to pry your eyes away, the ache between your thighs still ever present.

what on earth were you doing, allowing your best friend to crawl into bed with you? emotions were running so high, but it felt like a switch had been flipped ever since you hit the tarmac in qatar. every look, every touch was fuelled by something different to what it had been before and you weren’t sure if it was a good thing or not.

lando turned towards you, making his way back over to the bed. he looked apprehensive, as if he was thinking the same thoughts as you, wondering if there was any logic in what was about to happen. he seemed to come to the conclusion that this was, in fact, happening, crawling into bed beside you.

“is this okay?” lando breathed into the darkness of the room, his hand brushing yours. you were both as still as planks, mere centimetres separating you, the only light coming from the lamp beside the bed.

“yeah,” you took a deep breath, preparing for the words that were about to come tumbling out. “i’ve just never done this before.” you spoke quickly, sucking in another breath as you finished.

“you’ve never…”

“i’ve never shared a bed… like this.”

“like what?”

“with a… a guy?” your anxiety riddled words came out more like a question than an answer.

“oh. oh.” it seemed to dawn on lando then. “so, you’ve never… oh. i mean i can go if you’re uncomfortable.”

“lando, no, i just wanted you to know. i’m always comfortable with you.” you said, quietly baring your soul to him.

you weren’t sure why you’d basically told him you were a virgin. it held no relevance, he was just here to sleep, for some friendly comfort. he was not here for any other reason. and yet here you were, spilling the beans, all over the bed you found yourself sharing.

“i didn’t come here to, you know. i just needed you.”

you tried to ignore the pang in your chest and the annoying, minuscule butterfly springing to life in your belly.

“god, yeah i know! i didn’t think that you wanted to, well i mean not with me because why would you want me like that anyway, i get why you’re here, lando.” you rambled into the empty air. you heard yourself, groaning in embarrassment and dragging the cover over your face. lando laughed, pulling it back so he could see you again.

he was leaning over you, perched on his side, resting on his elbow.

“trust me, i’m more than happy with any part of yourself that you wanna give me.”

“don’t tease me, lando.” you scoffed. he was joking, right? right?

“i’m not! i promise, this is the one place i want to be.”

“why? why with me? i mean you could’ve called max. all he does is stream when you’re not home, think he misses you.” you were half joking, half deadly serious.

“come on, it’s you. it’s just… its been so hard this year, being away from you so much more. and then you came all the way here…” lando trailed off, averting eye contact.

you turned on your side to face him, placing your hand over his affectionately.

“you needed me.”

“exactly. i needed you. you.”

he gave you a look, one that you didn’t recognise, but you understood what it meant. it said more than anything had done since this confusingly beautiful interaction began. you got it, then, why you were here.

“lando-“

“i know that i shouldn’t tell you this and i can’t just spring this on you in the middle of the night, but i-“

“lando!”

“what?”

“kiss me.”

and god, he kissed you. the air was sucked out of your lungs, dragged out of you by the way he put his hands on your body, so urgent.

you sunk back into the mattress, his body over yours, a hand cupping your cheek while the other rested on your waist, stroking the skin there, exposed from your ridden up top. your hands were in his curls, and you revelled in the way that you could shamelessly touch them now.

he paused for a second, nose brushing yours, breathless and grinning down at you, a knowing smile that was so beautiful that it rendered you speechless.

“you have no idea how long i’ve waited for this.” lando breathed, scanning your face as if he was trying to take it all in. you, panting beneath him, coy smile, cheeks flushed. you’d never looked so gorgeous to him.

you leaned in to kiss him again, slower this time, relishing in the moment. you were lost in him, thinking back to the very first time you’d locked eyes and how you never thought it would come to this. this, the way he was holding you, was the best surprise.

lando pulled away, peppering your flushed cheeks with kisses, a dazed giggle passing your swollen lips.

he flopped onto his side, grinning at the ceiling mindlessly. you hadn’t seen him smile that big all weekend.

“are you tired?” you whispered, lips brushing his cheek, his light stubble rough against you. you wondered how it would feel elsewhere, scratching over your bare skin.

“no.”

“then why did you stop?” you asked, the words falling off your tongue slowly, sinking all over him like honey. you felt the way he tensed up, the suggestion that laced the seemingly innocent question making you tingle.

“i didn’t come here for that.” he reiterated.

“and i didn’t let you in for that. but here we are.” you weren’t ashamed of what you were asking, the moment was right, the one, and you knew it.

“it’s too soon.” lando was apprehensive. he was always overly protective of you, previously as his friend, but this, god, this was an entirely different ball park and he was proceeding with caution, against every natural instinct in his body screaming at him.

“says who?”

“it’s your first. it needs to be special.”

“everything about this is better than i could have ever imagined.”

“are you sure you want it to be me?” there it was again, those unrecognisable nerves that made everything inside of you flutter.

“lando, there is no one else i could ever want to do this with more than i want to do it with you. i want it to be you.”

“but… now? are you sure? i don’t want you to regret this.”

“the only thing i regret is that this didn’t happen sooner.”

“one last time. i just need to hear it one last time.”

“i want you, lando.”

and with that, the air changed, charged with a different kind of tension. lando pulled you on top of him, hands firm on your body, the action itself gentle. you steadied yourself, hands on his shoulders, his resting on your waist.

“can i take this off?” he tugged at the hem of your shirt. you nodded profusely. “words, sweetheart. i need you to use your words.” lando cupped your jaw as he said it, squeezing ever so slightly, enough to turn you into putty in his hands.

“please. yes.” you said shakily.

he smiled softly, slowly peeling the material off of your body, up over your head and tossed carelessly onto the floor. he kept his eyes on yours, despite the fact you were now left bare, aside from the white cotton panties that separated you both. he pawed at your sides, kneading gently at your soft hips.

“we’re gonna start slow, okay? gonna take my time with you.” he muttered, eyes on yours before they trailed slowly down, across your face, neck, collarbone, further and further until he was taking all of you in. he began to stroke the underside of your breast with his thumb, watching the way your body tensed under his feather-like touch.

“okay.” you choked out, head tipping back as he placed a kiss to the base of your throat.

his kiss trailed further down your body, peppered in the valley of your breasts, and then you stopped breathing, the air caught in your throat because he was looking at you, really, truly looking at you, as his tongue found your nipple. you couldn’t take your eyes off of him, not when he was looking at you like that, not when he was making you feel this good already.

lando pulled away, just for a second, just so that he could shift you from his lap onto his thigh. he was still fully clothed beneath you, totally in control, and you craved him in a way you didn’t know was humanly possible, so much so that you didn’t need the encouragement he was giving you to start rolling your hips, pussy grinding down on his covered thighs, the friction of your underwear driving you insane.

“oh, baby. you want me so badly, don’t you? should’ve asked me sooner. m’gonna make you feel so good.” his hands were on your hips, guiding you backwards and forwards on him.

“it feels so- oh, god.” you whimpered, fingers tangling in his curls, back arching further into him as your thighs clenched around his. he licked over your collarbone oh so slowly, a shiver running down your taut spine.

and then he was kissing you again, tongue slow over yours, his fingertips surely leaving marks where he was controlling your pace. the kiss was filthy, untameable, and you found yourself dragging against him slower, harder.

“i need you.” you panted, forehead falling on his shoulder as you pulled away from his lips, goosebumps pricking your sweat slicked skin. you were so close to an orgasm, desperate to feel him everywhere.

“i want you to come for me like this first, okay? can you do that for me, baby?” he cooed, bouncing his leg ever so slightly. “look at me.” and you did, somehow mustering the strength to pull yourself back up and find his darkened eyes.

you were a mess of curses when you let go, your body convulsing, collapsing into him as you came. you were throbbing on his thigh, one glance down at where you were grinding against him displaying your slick. his arms went around your body, flipping you onto your back so that you were resting against the mattress.

“you did so well, baby.” lando crooned, resting over you on his forearms. you stared up at him in awe, blinking away the haze. “do you want more?”

“i want everything.” you breathed, pulling him against you. you smoothed your hands over his shirt until you reached the hem, dragging it up over his back. he helped you take it off, and then it was lost to the room. you grabbed at his shoulder blades, smooth, muscular planes of bronzed skin so warm under your touch. you felt insatiable, like nothing was enough, totally intoxicated by him and everything he was managing to make you feel.

lando’s hand slid down your body, searching for the band of your underwear. when he reached his destination, he toyed with the lacy edges, letting them snap against the pudge of your belly, teasing you. you bucked your hips, frustrated, and he used the opportunity to cup your pussy, feeling where you’d soaked through the cotton. the groan he let out was carnal, animalistic, almost needy. he could feel all of you, how you ached and dripped, how you needed the everything that you’d requested.

“you’re so fucking good for me, god.” lando almost slurred his words, voice lower than you’d ever heard it. you keened at the sound, pushing your hips further into him.

lando didn’t give you much time to dwell on it, mouth latching onto your underwear where it met the crease of your thigh. he was so close, so tantalising close to where you were aching for him and you were just about levitating off the bed when his teeth grazed your inner thigh. you couldn’t see him looking at you, losing it, inhibitions out the window. your eyes were already squeezed shut when he began mouthing over your cloth-covered pussy, spit further ruining the sodden material.

“take them off.” you cried out, tugging hard at his curls that you hadn’t even realised you were clutching for dear life. and lando was a good listener, because he complied immediately, tearing the lace down your legs like a starved man.

his tongue was on you then, everywhere all at once, running through your folds and over your clit. you didn’t know if you were dead or alive, a different kind of pleasure than anything you’d ever experienced coursing hot through your veins. lando switched between long, slow licks, his tongue flat against you, and rapid kitten licks, burying his face in your cunt.

everything was moving in slow motion, your hands grasping frantically at anything you could reach; his curls, the sheets, his shoulders. you could barely make out what he was saying, his words muffled, lost to the soft flesh between your legs. it seemed to echo, every lick, stroke, word. you snapped out of it, finally, when he pulled away.

“more? you want my fingers, baby? gonna get you nice and ready for me.” you just nodded, voice lost to the air of the room.

one arm locked around your thigh, pinning you still, and the other snaked up your leg until he reached the mess between your thighs. he took a moment to take it in, how wet you were, how fucked out you looked, knowing full well he must have looked the same, unhinged as he gave into your shared desire that he’d tried his best to keep hidden. he’d never felt more stupid in his life for holding back, as he took in the ethereal delight sprawled under his touch.

when lando slid the first finger in, your stomach twisted deliciously. he watched you carefully, searching for discomfort but all he could find was sheer bliss, written all over your face as clear as daylight. he worked the digit in and out, nice and slow, curling against your walls. he could feel how tight you were, clamping around just one finger and he thought his head was gonna explode. he added another finger, watching the way you took him in, twisting his fingers.

“are you gonna let go for me again, sweetheart?” lando punctuated his words by putting his mouth back on you, teeth grazing your clit as he sucked.

you were thrashing, a silent scream building from the fire in your belly. you could just about make out the way he was spurring you on, his mouth running as you spilled over the edge, covering his fingers. you saw white, maybe god, ears ringing, and when you finally mustered the energy to look at him, you could have come for a third time. lando looked feral, lips red and coated in everything you had to offer him. his eyes were glazed over, a hazy grey that sent a jolt through your body, the aftershocks of the orgasm setting in.

“christ.” was all you could sigh out. a lazy smile painted your face, your eyes blown out, everything a little blurry. everything except him.

you could feel him scaling up your body, crawling over you until he was level with your face. he placed a kiss to your throat, your jaw and finally your lips; when he pulled away all that was left was shared giddy smile, both of you suddenly shy. you couldn’t stop the roaming of your hands, exploring all the parts of him that you could reach. when you found the waist band of his joggers, your hand grazing his abs as you did, he sucked all of the air out of the room, a sharp inhalation making him tense up.

“you still want all of me?” he breathed, his shaky breath fanning your face. lando was obsessed with hearing you say it, obsessed with how you wanted him as much as he needed you.

“all of you. lando, this is… you’re perfect.” you admitted, lips brushing his. your hands pushed the material down his hips, nails raking over him as you did. he couldn’t seem to wait any longer, kicking them off the rest of the way, his boxers quickly following suit.

you couldn’t help but stare, all of him bare against all of you. your nipples brushed his chest, his hands holding you close, your hands threaded through his curls. it was like you were sussing each other out, eyes watching lips and hands getting lost. you stayed like that for a moment, pressed together, closer and closer, until he was slotted between your legs like he was coming home. lando searched your face one last time, hunting for a smidge of discomfort.

“are you ready for me?” he whispered.

“yes.”

the initial stretch burned, but he slid into you smoothly, his cock slipping through your folds with ease. he felt you clamp down on him, his head thrown back as far as it could go, thick neck exposed to you. you bit down on his shoulder, where it met the base of his throat, trying to mask the gasp of pleasure that sent your eyes rolling back in your head. he grunted at the sensation, enjoying the sting.

“oh, fuck.” he was shuddering, trying to keep himself in check.

“don’t, oh god,” you started, meeting the roll of his hips. “don’t hold back.”

“we gotta go easy.”

“i don’t want easy.” you tightened around him then, and he saw stars.

“you’re so fucking good.” lando groaned, an edge of excitement in his voice, and then he unleashed everything that he’d held back. how much he wanted you, and a bittersweet weekend of frustration versus success came crashing down and he couldn’t do anything except give himself to you exactly how you wanted.

lando was a delicious weight on top of you, the drag of his hips slow, meeting yours hard. the pressure made you lightheaded, his body moving against yours like the thick drip of honey, smooth and sweet. you couldn’t make sense of it, of how fucking good he felt, grinding deeper and deeper into you like he’d found buried treasure. the overstimulation had your third orgasm building nice and quick, waves of pleasure making you dizzy.

“you like it like this? like when i fuck you nice and hard?” yes you did. “don’t think i can go without this now, you know that? such a good fucking girl.” you couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, just let his words wash over you. “so beautiful, taking me so well.”

you couldn’t process that this was your best friend lando. this was a different person, it had to be. yet, somehow, it made sense that the man you knew, the one who spoke his mind, mischievous and troublesome, would be like this, a god above you as he fucked deeper into you with every thrust. he was filthy and gentle, brutal and sweet. it didn’t make sense, but it also just did.

“are you gonna come for me? one more time, baby. need to feel that perfect fucking pussy.” well, his wish was your command, because then you were gushing. the one thing you could feel was him, none of your other senses worked, you couldn’t see past the tears that fell, couldn’t get any words past your lips. maybe you screamed, you weren’t exactly sure.

lando was kissing you everywhere. each hip bone was met with his lips, your stomach, over your ribs, breasts, clavicle, neck. your face was covered in kisses next, your cheeks, forehead, a dainty peck to your nose.

“can you look at me?”

your eyes cracked open slowly, the exhaustion hitting as you came back to reality.

“was that okay?” there he was again, this shy version of lando that you couldn’t get used to.

“okay? lando that was…” you shook your head in awe. “that meant everything to me.”

he smiled then, that gorgeous, gorgeous smile, the one with the crinkles by his eyes and his teeth on full display. you melted.

“me too. you’re fucking beautiful. so, so fucking beautiful. should’ve told you sooner.” he murmured.

his words made you think, way too hard for your current state. what happened next? lando had said some things, some pretty big things that you didn’t know how to comprehend. it was crazy, how scared you were to bring it back up to him, considering he’d just been inside of you.

“sooner?” you whispered, hardly audible. lando was midway through tucking you both into bed, pulling your flushed, naked body into his own under the duvet.

“yes. a lot sooner.” he replied, not a trace of doubt in his voice.

‘how much sooner?’ you thought to yourself, unable to stay awake any longer to agonise over it, your dreams haunted by the way he touched you so well. it was magnificent to fall asleep in his arms, and you couldn’t help yourself from wondering when it would happen again.

you woke up tangled with him, fingers stroking your cheek, smoothing your hair out of your eyes.

lando was always so warm, but now his tanned skin radiated sunshine, a beacon of light in your bed. you smiled, eyes still shut, shielding yourself from the streaks of light casting over the room from the crack in the curtains.

“what time is it?” you croaked, bringing a hand to your eyes to rub away the sleep.

“gone eleven. i need to go, baby.”

baby.

you hadn’t gotten a chance to take my notice of the things he’d called you last night, too caught up in the way he played with your body. now that you heard it, in the calm after the storm, it made you swoon.

“already?” you tried to hide your disappointment, not quite ready to detangle yourself from him.

“need to get to the track. i think i’m already late. i just wanted to be here when you woke up.” lando sounded so soft, not as groggy as you, and you wondered how long he’d been awake, watching the soft rise and fall of your chest.

“thank you.” you knew that you’d have spiralled waking up alone, and you were immensely grateful that he’d stayed.

lando began to get up, wincing at your whine of protest.

“i’m sorry. i’ll have someone pick you up later, okay? i’ll see you soon, i promise.”

you knew he had to work hard today, knew how much analysis he needed to do before the race. he was starting further back than anyone would have liked, and he had something to prove as well, oscar starting too close to the front for lando’s liking. there were places to make up and hard work to be done to get back to the front.

“don’t apologise. i hope it goes smoothly today.” you smiled at him, watching him collect his long forgotten clothes. you were entranced by the way his body moved, the lines and shapes that tensed and rippled as he dressed himself.

“i’ll message you.” he promised, creeping back over to the bed. you weren’t sure what to expect, but the soft kiss to your lips, almost apprehensive on his part, could have killed you off, your heart pounding.

your grinned like a fool when the door shut behind him.

the shower was burning hot, loosening up your muscles. you cleaned yourself slowly, examining your body, the same one that you’d given to lando. he’d taken you apart, piece by piece, and put you back together, the traces of him that he’d left behind delectably apparent.

you followed the trail of marks he’d left, starting with the love bite below your right breast that you couldn’t even remember him leaving, making your way to the litter of fingerprints that were tattooed into your hips. your fingertips ghosted over your swollen lips, the kiss that he’d left at the junction between your neck and your shoulder, reminiscing the evening. you seemed to ache everywhere, the dull pain setting into your bones so nicely.

you prayed it would happen again. you felt like it would, everything between you had changed now, changed from any possible return to the norm. you wanted it to change, you couldn’t fathom the idea of staying friends when the lines had blurred like this, when he’d kissed you so deeply, touched you so intimately.

the shower was much needed, refreshing your body that was now tainted by him in the best way. you tried to keep a clear head while you got yourself ready, taking your time to make yourself presentable to the paddock. the time of your departure was looming, the pink and white sunset outside your window indicating that the race was only a few hours away. the air had cooled slightly, and you knew you needed to make your way to the lobby.

your phone dinged in your hand as you were packing your essentials into your bag. you glanced down at the device, unruly smile gracing your face.

see you soon, the text read, an orange love heart punctuating the short but sweet text. it was safe to say that the butterflies in your belly were well and truly alive.

the screen beeped as you scanned your paddock pass, and you slipped through the gate, making your way into the paddock. it was beautiful in qatar, they’d outdone themselves with this structure, the glass ceilings and jungle of greenery an expression of wealth and elegance.

you made a beeline for the mclaren garage, greeting lando’s pr officer who smiled warmly at you. you recognised oscar smirking as you appeared in the garage, and as you got closer you realised why.

“nice to see you. looking for lando?” his monotonous voice held an amused twang.

“hey oscar, great job last night!” you said, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “yeah, is he around here somewhere?”

“yeah he’s just doing press i think. extra spring in his step today.” oscar gave you a knowing look, one that made you blush.

“what do you know?” you deadpanned, fighting back laughter.

“i know that this was a long time coming.” he smiled, and then he was gone, lost to the bustle of the garage.

you stood there, probably in the way, lost in thought about what oscar had just said. he was right, this was a long time coming.

you jumped a bit when a hand landed on your waist, relaxing instantly into lando’s body when he pressed himself against you, head on your shoulder.

“i’m so glad you’re here.” he whispered, pressing a secret kiss under your ear, and then he, too, was gone, before you could even react.

your nerves were shot, ushered to the back of the garage where you found a headset. you chewed your nails, anxious about it all. the race, the changes that you were surely coming. you wanted it, wanted everything from him that he’d give you, willing to commit to all of it, to him. the distance, borrowed time, chaos of his world. last night had changed everything and you couldn’t have asked for more.

eventually the lights went out and the fight was underway. you found your hands clasped together, sweating in the dry heat and the anxiety. you clapped every time he made an overtake, storming through the field. when he made it into p3, picking the pace up on oscar, the nerves resurged and you prayed for a clean end to this race.

lando’s radio messages flooded your ears, and your leg bounced uncontrollably, your shoe slapping against the floor.

“be sensible, lando.” you muttered under your breath, resting your chin on your tightly clasped hands. he would be on the podium, but you knew it wasn’t enough for him, it never was. would you be enough for him?

eventually he agreed to hold position, thank fuck, and you could breathe again. he’d driven a beautiful recovery drive, bringing the car onto the podium, and you rushed out with the team to congratulate him. you lingered at the back of the pack behind the metal barriers, watching in quiet admiration as he jumped out of the car. he slapped oscar on the back, hugging his younger teammate before bounding towards the team. his head was darting around as if he was looking for something, but you couldn’t make it out with his helmet still on. and then the helmet came off and it became clear.

he was looking for you.

lando pulled away from a hug with a mechanic, leaning over the barrier right in front of you. you gravitated towards him, somehow moving through the swarm of team members until you were pressed against the metal too. he was beaming, eyes brighter than they had been all working weekend, and then his hands were on you. the hug he pulled you into was tight and you clung to one another for a moment, unbothered by his damp race suit, or the tickle of his sweat slicked curls.

the kiss he pressed to your cheek was far less secret than the one in the garage, so was the one he pressed to your forehead, but the one he pressed to your lips, as quick as it may have been, was the one that really took the cake. you were blushing when he pulled back, a mischievous grin on his face. you shook your head in disbelief at his boldness, unable to tame your bewildered smile.

“what are you doing for dinner, baby?” he called out to you as he walked away. the podium high had clearly set in.

nothing, you mouthed back, not quite confident enough to shout across parc ferme.

“good, we’re going on a date.” lando winked and then he was gone, pulled into the chaos of post race duties.

tears pricked your eyes when he stood on the podium, a much happier man than the one you found when you’d arrived. you couldn’t put it into words, how one night had changed everything, giving you everything you didn’t realise you wanted.

then again, lando was always good at beating expectations.

hehe the end

taglist

had to remove some tags that aren’t working! let me know if you wanna be added or removed xo

@boysthatgovroomvroom @thegirlinthefandoms @welld0nebaku @mcmuppet @japanesekel @vinvantae @ggaslyp1 @dr3lover @smiithys @turningxstrange @rachstash @infinitebells @multilovebot @fizzpopsnap101 @gaily19 @icecoldtires @mysticalnightenthusiast @thatchickwiththecamera @oyesmendes @disneydaydreameralways @yeolsbubbles @canyouseethesainz @ferrarifwendvale @fcbformulaeri @tony-stank3 @maih23 @nokiaholland @soleilgrec @carolineworld @anthonykatebridgerton @allywthsr @iamasimpingh0e @ophcelia @lovelynikol16 @coffeehurricanes @jennx03 @organasith @micks-afterglow @blueflorals @juno-1610 @lqvesoph @wilmasvensson @sidcrosbyspuck @better-dead-than-smeg @buendiabebeta @h0e-xoxo @mattxxamryli @pjofics @kovalcin @wintergilmore3

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queenimmadolla · 1 year

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Vivi, I cant stop reading your penny verse writing! It’s so good and it like makes me glow with happiness! I literally hate children but you’ve somehow given me baby fever! Especially like being pregnant is just at the forefront on my mind and having my partner coo at a growing belly, petting it and kissing it! OMG VIVI YOU’RE POISONING MY MIND WITH THOUGHTS OF BABIES AND GROSS DOMESTIC SHIT LMAO! (But I love you for it)

I AM HONORED. That makes me feel SO relieved because I, too, hate kids. Like, other than my nieces and nephews, I can’t tolerate kids. I think the majority of them are gross and way too annoying for how expensive they are. Luckily my nephews and nieces are pretty good kids/babies so they make it easy for me to give everyone baby fever with Penny and baby Wayne. Also, I give myself baby fever lol I catch myself thinking I could be like Penny’s mom if I had a baby lmao and you didn’t SAY it was a request but uh . . .

warnings: fluff galore (eddie talking to Penny while she’s still in your tummy)

(eddie munson x pregnant!reader)

more pennyverse here

“What does it feel like?” Eddie asked from his position, laying a little further down near your belly. He was referring to the baby nestled inside and actively kicking against where his palm lay over the bare skin of your bump.

It had taken a while, but you were finally showing in an obvious manner. You’d only discovered you were pregnant about three months ago and you had been ridiculously far along at five freaking months but your stomach hadn’t changed to let you know you were even expecting. It was really only in the last month and a half that your baby shifted to press against the front of your womb. She’d apparently gotten so comfortable, she’d decided to remain there, meaning you’d grown quite the bump in a short amount of time thanks to her rapid development. You still weren’t huge, though, so you didn’t expect her to be a big baby. Or at least, you hoped not, for the sake of your vagina. “Mmm,” You hummed, eyebrows pinched together as you tried to come up with a comparison Eddie would be able to relate to. There wasn’t really one, it was an odd sensation to have her kick from inside of you. On some occasions, you swore you could feel her move, shift around in there. “This is gonna make no sense, but it feels like a fish.” “What?” He laughed out, warm brown eyes flickering up to stare at you in amusement.

“Have you cupped a goldfish in your hand?” “To put it in a bowl or something?” “Yeah!” You nodded, head resting on a stack of pillows on the floor. One thing about the sudden baby bump is your back was not used to the additional frontal weight, so you’d taken to laying on the ground pretty much anywhere, even at home. Your friends found it very amusing and so did Eddie, once he got past his concern. “It feels like how they wiggle against your skin. Just a little more firm. And in my tummy.”

Eddie made a sound of acknowledgment before another kick was pressed against the palm of his hand, drawing his attention back to his unborn child. “Damn, my girl’s got a pair of legs on her, doesn’t she?”

He caressed your swollen belly, a look of adoration plastered on his face. You’d never grow tired of watching him prepare to be a father, he already loved her so much. Plus, your hormones were crazy and seeing him like this really got you going. “Do you think she can hear me?” It was the billionth time he asked. He always did before he talked to her. “She’s surrounded by amniotic fluid, so you probably sound like you’re underwater to her but she only gets this active when you’re talking to me. Think she likes your voice.” It was true, while she’d occasionally move around, she only ever got active when Eddie was present, always loud and boisterous.

You could tell Eddie felt a lot of pride in that, he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your belly, hiking your blouse up a little further as he began their nightly conversations.

“You already know you’ve got me wrapped around your little fingers, don’t you?” He cooed out, watching the area of your stomach she was focused on pressing against, rising before she no doubt retracted her little foot.

“I can’t wait until I meet you–I mean, I can wait so don’t go getting any ideas but when you're finally out here with us, I promise I’m gonna take such good care of you and your mom.” He promised, licking his lips as they formed a soft smile.

“You got really lucky with her, too. She’s ridiculously pretty. Gonna have to fight other people off once she’s a milf. You don’t know what that is, I forget. A milf is a mother I’d like to f–” “Eddie!” You laughed, hand reaching up to hide your smile.

“You’ll learn when you’re older, “ He smirked, though it dropped quickly when he remembered how kids could be dicks sometimes and if they spotted her pretty mommy picking her up from school, she might find out when she’s not so much older. “And you’ll let me know if anyone refers to her as one so I can fight them, yeah?”

He took the next kick as one of agreement.

“That’s my girl. Now listen, about the sleeping arrangements. Personally, I’d like to keep getting a decent amount of sleep after your mom’s done baking you in there. Actually, I’m pretty sure your mom would, too, so I'm thinking maybe you just immediately sleep through every single night. If you’re opposed to it, that’s fine ‘cause–ya know, you’re gonna get your way regardless but it was just a recommendation.”

“And of course, cuddles. It’s imperative you know the second you’re in my arms, I will not be willingly putting you down. Most of your naps are gonna be there, in fact, you’ll probably ignore my sleeping recommendation so you’ll be sleeping in my arms, too, which isn’t a bad thing. Your mom does it all the time and I haven't received any complaints or bad reviews yet. Kisses are also mandatory, only a select few people are allowed to kiss you ‘cause I’ve done my research but considering it’s all I want to do right now and you’re not actually out yet, I will be unable to refrain from smothering you with them. I just know you’re gonna get annoyed with me, but I won’t be able to stop.”

As if to make his point, Eddie pressed a smattering of kisses to your belly, chuckling when you squirmed underneath him. “I’ll teach you how to walk, I’ll teach you how to ride a bike, how to play an instrument–lucky for you, your daddy is multi-talented–I’ll take you on little daddy-daughter dates, your mom taught me how to braid hair so I can do that for you, too. I’ll do anything for you. Anything you want. So just finish up in there, okay?”

Eddie felt the heavy weight of your stare on him and once more, his gaze was flickering up to meet yours. “What?” “You’re so fucking cute. I’d offer to have your babies but I already am.”

Eddie smirked and pressed a kiss on the lower half of your belly, trailing a few even lower than that. “And I am soooo very appreciative of you, I think I should probably show you how much.”

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ctheathy · 1 year

Text

Survival instinct didn’t make the cut

Yandere Ticci Toby x Reader

Angst oneshot

Imagine making your first Tumblr post and it’s this. But I swear, this scenario has been living rent free in my head for the past months-

I believe it turned out quite alright though, hope whoever comes across shall be able to enjoy it themselves too =} Goodluck, darling~

Ticci Toby/Reader

⚠️Warnings ⚠️ :

•Toby lmao. •Yanderes •Reader’s demise •Obsessive behaviour • Abuse in all varieties •Implied non-con // r#pe •Indirect su!c!de •Slight detail of gore // blood •Derealization ?? •Tobitch going through the five stages of grief

Angst time babiee

____________________________________________

Now he’s done it.

Before you is where he stood, body trembling as the smell of bitter iron was dancing alongside his nostrils, mocking him.

His throat was aching, easily confirming the assumption that he had in fact been screaming at you. He hadn't expected this, but he should have.

He should have realised his self-restraint was reaching it’s limits.

He had lost count of the amount of speeches he had prematurely given you in warning over the course of just six months, the amount of punishments he’d given you in an attempt to put you in your place, his already thin patience having decreased into absolutely nothing. Why the fuck couldn’t you just be all ears and listen to anything for once in a lifetime?

You never listened.

It seemed like not too long ago he would have once again had your fragile figure cornered in an obvious out of control burst of rage. Figuring he had the absolute opposite of innocent intent, as he has done many, many times before in his quote on quote “regular” state alone. Yet the now deafening silence was haunting to Toby. You never enjoyed crying when he was in the same area as you were, he knew this, but some whimpers here and there did always manage to slither it’s way out of your throat. Especially when battered like this, you’re not supposed to be this quiet.

Conversations were rare, but it surely wasn’t like they weren’t there at all, despite how minor they might have been. He’d recall you flat-out ignoring his entire existence for a long time before that, and when you did reply to a sentence or two; your answers were always kept as short as possible, too short. Cold, even.

You and your blunt statements.

It angered him, following with Toby developing a habit of literally demanding your attention and cooperation, which surely wouldn’t be considered all that bad by a majority of people,

if it didn't include inflicting damage if a hint of resistance was even shown, that is.

Neck twitching severely with his eyes scanning over your once gorgeous form; one he wished to have held onto for the absolute rest of eternity, now beaten into a bloody pulp. Truthfully saying, your state had already been quite the wreck from these so-called “punishments” you had endured from him formerly, but they were nothing in comparison to whatever the hell he did to you this time. Your body structure wasn’t even recognisable to the bare eye anymore. The only thing left confirming your identity being your facial features, those you had instinctively tried shielding with your arms; arms who were now bend in uncomfortable positions, whose bones were now much so similar to your ribcage as they were clearly showing, sharp tips that had been broken off of the full bone structure poking out of the bloodied flesh.

You seemed to have gotten on his nerves once more, didn’t you? Who were you even kidding, you were always at fault from his point of view. You swore it had gotten to a stage where he just reached out for whatever excuse he could get his grabby hands on to cause harm upon you. His frustration streaks being no help in the matter, whatsoever.

That being said, this too included suffering the most whenever his torturous desires came over to front within his own mind, lashing out and resulting in unimaginable that when given too much detail would probably get me banned discipline instances in itself. He was trying to tame you into being some compliant little lap dog,

the perfect significant other.

And you? You were absolutely not having it.

You were very well aware of the fact that you, too, weren’t exactly the easiest when being in his presence either. Seemingly almost intentionally setting him off, having caused many broken limbs, bruises in all colours of the rainbow, deep wounds and screaming matches that could have easily been prevented otherwise. You just could not help it, the thought alone of being obedient to this- this monster made you sick to the stomach. The strict mental promise you made to yourself literally keeping you sane from his either constant cruelty or unwanted affection.

It was no surprise to say that he just went along with everything he desired as well, not caring about the clear signs of major discomfort your own figure had been showing Every. Single. Time.

Well.

He simply continued to take, greedily getting some sort of emotionally high on all that you'd indirectly have the possibility of giving him. Your blood, tears, cries, whatever sound he managed to get out of you, your body; he wanted all of it, the most suffocating part being that he wouldn’t ever hesitate to be selfish when it came to his wants, his needs. You could yell, squirm and resist all you wanted ...but deep down you knew attempting to resist his lustful urges would be futile. You knew he would continue to take until you were nothing short of an empty husk.

That was the case, atleast.

Until there was nothing left to take from you. His wrath didn’t hurt you anymore, it couldn’t.

Toby swore he could have felt the last bit of basic common sense alongside the last pinch of emotional stability left inside of him fading right then and there. Slipping from his grasp as he was clutching together excuses to desperately try and get himself somewhat in the clear, to not have the realisation of his actions setting in.

No. He wouldn't be able to handle it

This wasn’t his doing. No- nonono he has always told himself he had everything under control. It COULDN’T possibly be his own doing.

He’d never meant to ...

Yet despite these protests profusely swirling around in his head, slowly having it drag itself more into insanity, the axe was right there. Clutched in his own shaky hands with the oh-so-familiar dark red substance dripping from them. In fact, his own entire being was soaked in blood from head to toe. Creating a dried up pattern on the fabric he was wearing.

Was it his own?

Despite the constant weak state you managed to be in, how low in power you were compared to him; you never failed to catch him by surprise when still managing to put up the slightest bit of a fight, often even shedding blood yourself, his blood. Even as time passed, you should have clearly gotten the hint by now that struggling against your capturer, your abuser, did absolutely nothing for the both of you.

It caused you yet more and more harm. But much to Toby’s irritation, you never gained the desire to lower this stubborn behaviour of yours. Continuously keeping up your nagging nature, almost like you were trying to make him snap with no questions asked in the matter. Your motives were foreign to him, even questioning himself if you even had any to begin with. Heck, everything you once seemed to hold a liking torwards was either destroyed to bits, crumbled on the streets for the passersby to find or dead;

So, why?? Was tormenting him truly that important to you?

Muttering nonsense to himself and still being as shaky as ever, Toby dragged his now numb legs across the floor in a sad attempt to get the situation in hand, to get closer to you.

Still, a part of him couldn’t help but feel hesitant, his racing mind still not seeming to have left the state of shock he’s been in for the past hours. He was very much aware by now that your life had been taken this night. Taken in a brutal act of fury.

You weren't there anymore.

the axe slid right onto the cold floor, the metal leaving a clunk sound that echoed clamorously along the room as his body now realised how heavy the pressure on his arms had actually been.

Weakly he started counting down the reasons on how and most importantly, why this could have happened in the first place. He knew how massively petty you could be at times, but this was FAR from the wishes of his main desires.

This should never have happened.

He loved you.

It shouldn’t have.

He loved you. Helovedyouhelovedyouhelovedyouheneededyo---

He completely set his current thoughts to a stop for a good minute at that one. Needing you.

What did that even mean?

He knew he held you in massively high priority, he adored you even, but. Even that sentence in itself caught him off guard. His head had been over flooding for sure, it all just felt void-like, not real.

All he was left with now were his own heartbeats growing their ways into his ears as the organ was struggling to keep itself at bay, the strange yet all too familiar hollowness he felt in the deepest pits of his stomach and the liquid that has unconsciously been falling from his now blurry eyes.

He bit his cheek until blood was drawn from them, fighting back a choked sob as he crouched down to the bloody mess in front of him. Gently stroking your cheek with his knuckles, he flinched at how cold it actually was. The sensation of suffocation in his throat having reduplicated itself in a way he doesn't wish to remind himself of, clenching his jaws at how difficult it had become to keep in his whimpering. But enough of his tears were being shed for sure. And to make matters worse, the usual lack of emotion burned into your expression you’ve had ever since he’s been holding you hostage was now gone.

Instead, the frown Toby had been forced to grow used to was now formed into a soft smile instead. It was small, but unquestionably there. You were safe now, making peace with the outcome that had been created for your life. The outcome created by the absolute greed of another.

The outcome he had made for you.

This realisation he had tried to deny so damn badly had finally hit him, hard.

He quit fighting, the walls he created as a defence mechanism crumbling completely. Giving in as the overwhelming emotions that had been building up finally came to a releasing end. His usual mockery demeanor had been thrown out of the window once and for all, as all he managed to shriek out now were rushed apologies while just pleading for your living form. Just begging to hear your breathing for one last time. You seemed so small. Had you always been like this?

Please come back... please...

Hands were clinging onto the little bits of what was left of your body like his life depended on it. Big chunks of flesh were hanging from the body parts of your figure, laying limp against his own with his weak grip being yet as needy as ever, tears streaming out like a waterfall and unsteady breaths forcing their ways out into the crook of your neck. He had nothing to say anymore, the room instead being filled with high-pitched sobbing and convulsive gasps coming from nobody but himself.

God, he could have heard you call him pathetic right on the spot.

And that thought of you alone was enough to force a muffled screech out of him as his grasp grew only stronger, his veins being filled with nothing but desperation and grief; The constant loop he was in, slowly but actively breaking him down entirely. Your faint words out of memory repeating themselves over and over again.

And that smile.

That damned smile of yours being left to haunt the back of his mind.

Oh how that little motivation of yours had become clear to him now . . .

#yandere ticci toby #yandere ticci toby x reader #ticci toby x reader #creepypasta x reader #yandere creepypasta #yandere x reader #yandere x you #first post pog??

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wildernessuntothemselves · 2 years

Text

You Are My Queen Now | Part 6

Word Count: 17.6k (i fucking hate myself)

Genre: Smut, angst, fluff

Summary: Growing up as a child of a minor lord, you had it instilled in you since a young age that you needed to find yourself a rich and affluent husband that would not only provide a comfortable life for you, but would also help further your family’s position in the court. So it was of the utmost importance that you remain a virgin in order to land such a coveted husband.

The problem lies when the man you secretly love, Prince Beomgyu, suddenly and unabashedly propositions you.

Warnings: extremely unhealthy and codependant relationship dynamics, mentions of past noncon, graphic description of killing an animal, fucked up family relationships, hints at forced impregnation, possible poor editing lmao

The first night you spent at Taehyun’s castle by the sea was harrowing.

No sooner had you gotten to the castle safely than Taehyun had abandoned you in your new quarters under the pretense of giving you space to grief and process everything. You didn’t need space. You needed compassion and kindness, not being left alone so soon after betraying Beomgyu and witnessing such frightful actions done in cold blood.

Your newfound home was the perfect reflection of your anguished mental state, with its dark recesses and chilling winds that so resembled the cries of your loved one as it billowed through the cracks in the foundation.

You were left to wonder what became of Beomgyu and if he got home safely? How is he feeling right now? What about the families of those men, were they cursing your name to the heavens right now?

It was a miserable night with not a moment of reprieve from your own thoughts.

Thankfully, the horror and grief didn’t cloud your days for long, only your nights. Once the light of day shone through your desolate mind, you got the chance to calm down and rationalize, and understand that Taehyun's actions that night were not done in malice.

The guards? It was your own stupid naivety for thinking you could escape from the literal prince without any bloodshed.

Assaulting Beomgyu? To Taehyun, Beomgyu is just your captor and rapist. He holds no affinity to the prince and he doesn't share your deep sentiments towards him.

Threatening his own men? He was just protecting your honor in a way Beomgyu never could. You've been so bothered by being viewed as the whore. Well, here is a man who will quickly and ruthlessly put an end to that. How can you complain?

Honestly, he has done nothing but rescue and protect you. You can't fault him for it. You're just a stupid girl who thinks these things can be accomplished without anyone getting hurt.

You can fault him for one thing however, and that is his extreme lack of emotional support and compassion. Not only did he not stay by your side that night, but neither did he any night after that. No, he leaves you to contend with your thoughts because, as he claims, he doesn't wish to give anyone the chance to make any further comments about your honor if he were to stay overnight in your chambers. In any other situation you would find it noble, but right now it just leaves you alone and grieving in foreign place.

Still, it might’ve been understandable enough if he made up for it during the day, but you don’t get the chance to see the lord of the castle nearly as much as you thought you would. Unlike Beomgyu, who is relegated to the role of the spare in his household and doesn’t have much that he needs to attend to due to his parents’ and older brother’s presence, Taehyun is the sole ruler of his land and all the responsibility falls on him alone. So naturally, he’s not free to see you often, but even when he is, things are far from perfect.

Now that you’re here, he has a lot of expectations for you and you can sense that you’re not meeting those as much as he had hope you would, so even the short amount of time you get to spend together is spent under a lot of tension before he has to leave you alone again to feel even worse about yourself and the situation you’d gotten yourself into.

Well, that’s not entirely true. You can't say you're completely alone. You do have the company of Taehyun's little brother, Kai.

Kai had approached you the morning after you arrived with the curious eagerness of a large puppy.

"So you're the lady my brother is going to make us go to war over?"

His words had caused your face to fall as you figured he would be another one of those nobles who were bothered by your mere presence in their lives. "Oh…"

"Oh no, I meant that as a joke!" He had hurried to say, cringing at how he had come across, his voice raised in panic. "I just meant…" He started but then shook his head and extended his hand to you, giving you an apologetic smile. "Let me start over. Hello, I'm Kai, Taehyun's little brother."

You took his hand gratefully, smiling at how flustered he’d gotten. "Hello, Kai. Nice to meet you."

"It's so nice to finally meet you too. Taehyun has told me so much about you."

"He did?" You had asked, trying not to sound too eager.

"Uh, well not really." He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "You know how he is. I just gathered little bits of information here and there from him before he'd tell me to fuck off. But it was all good things!"

"What kind of good things?" You asked genuinely, wondering why Taehyun even chose to help you. He’d told you that it was because he saw potential in you, but you don’t know if you can believe that.

But Kai’s words had fallen in line with that same assertion. "He said that he really thinks you could be the woman who could rule beside him."

Your smile turns unsure. “I don’t know if he still thinks that anymore. I wasn’t exactly the picture of a strong woman yesterday. I think maybe that's why he's been avoiding me. He's disappointed."

"Oh, no, no. Taehyun would never give up on someone that easily. He hasn't given up on me and I've been disappointing him my whole life." He declares proudly, making you burst out laughing despite yourself. "He's going to help you."

"You're cute." You grinned, finding the boy quite endearing, even more so when he blushes.

“Thank you.”

Following that day. Kai became your companion in this strange place, and honestly, you couldn’t have asked for a better one.

Well, you would've preferred if the man who brought you here would've actually paid attention to you, but Kai will do.

That’s not to say that Taehyun doesn’t treat you well, he does, albeit a bit awkwardly. You've come to know through Kai that he's never courted another woman before. That suave persona he showed you before was skin deep. He only knew how to be charming at a surface level but, lacking the experience and preferring to focus on other things, it quickly fell apart. And it becomes all the worse when he’s trying to teach you something. Then all the charm is gone and you’re just left with a strict military man. The problem is you’re not a soldier.

Maybe your expectations were also too high because Beomgyu was so outwardly expressive towards you. Maybe this is what normal people act like when they're in love.

Are you in love? If love is what you had with Beomgyu then no, you’re decidedly not. Taehyun is like a closed book to you. How can you read a man you haven't known your entire life and how can you, in turn, love him?

It's not like you can ask him either. He expects you to be strong like you said you would be. You can't go and ask him if he loves you like some kind of vapid, foolish little girl. That's not what strong women do.

So you grin and bear, your interactions with him somehow becoming more strained as time goes on. But Kai is as good a replacement as any. He's sweet, funny and kind, and a massive dork. He introduces you to his own closest friend, Jaeyun, who happens to be your archery teacher.

Seeing how weak you are, Taehyun had decided to make you switch from a longbow to a crossbow. It's much easier to draw as it doesn’t rely on your physical strength so you’re left to focus on actually practicing your aim.

You're not particularly gifted with it, nor have you had any training in anything similar to it before, so you need to spend countless hours practicing it, and Taehyun isn’t available to oversee your training or help out most of the time. Therefore, you’re left to train with Jaeyun, and Kai who likes to hang around you two.

You sort of prefer it that way anyway so you can hone your skill without suffering under the weight of Taehyun’s expectations, and maybe later on you can show him what you’ve picked up and he might actually give you a genuine smile.

God, that’s sad, isn’t it? Working so hard just so the aloof lord would show you the slightest hint of approval. You never needed to earn Beomgyu’s approval. He loved you as you are. You’re the one who wanted more than he could possibly give you, and now you’ve fallen harder than ever in your effort to chase that distant dream.

This castle–and yes, it is a proper castle unlike Beomgyu’s cushioned palace–is ancient and sturdy, or as you prefer to describe it–old and ugly. It’s the complete antithesis to the flowery palace of the royals. The food here is terrible–you don’t even like seafood–and the man of the house is never around and when he is, he treats you like a disappointed parent. How did you go from living a plushy life with a man who adores the ground you walk on to this?

Oh yeah, because you got it into your head that you could have not only money and power, but dignity and respect too. Well, now that you see what you have to go through in order to obtain all of that, you’re not sure you want it anymore. You could’ve been in Beomgyu’s arms right now, his soothing, deep vibrato voice reading you your favorite book as you pass the afternoon in sleepy bliss, but instead you’re here, in a filthy practice range, shooting at straw men.

You take in a deep breath and huff it all out in one go, then you aim your crossbow at the target and close one eye before you release the string. The arrow flies at the target, and actually hits it.

You’re better at this now because for one, you had more time to practice, and two, it's much easier to wield a crossbow than the longbow Beomgyu made you try, and you can’t help but wonder if that was a deliberate choice on his part just so you'd fail and not ask to train again.

"Nice shot." Jaeyun praises, but you’re in too restless a mood to humor his attempt at making you feel good.

"Don't lie."

He gives you an innocent look. "What? You really improved."

"Yeah, but not enough for Taehyun." You mutter. Taehyun has made it clear that, while he understands you're not just going to be the woman he wants right away, he expects you to get your shit together and show him you can be.

“He can be a bit scary, right?” Kai supplies sympathetically.

“A bit? Man gives me the creeps.” Jaeyun pipes in with a laugh and points the arrow he’s holding in his hand at you, “It’s not too late to escape, you know?”

“Don’t listen to him.” Kai rolls his eyes, “You could be good for him. Like the princess and the beast.” He adds the last part excitedly, reminding you of your own younger self getting excited at fairytales.

“Been there, done that. Not looking to do that anymore.” You say bitterly, and an awkward silence settles over everyone.

You start stressing over having made things weird, but then Jaeyun speaks up. "So what was the prince like?"

Kai shoots him a glare but he just shrugs. You bark out a laugh that stops just as abruptly as it had begun.

"He was… everything. He was kind and loving and generous." You recall sadly, your heart squeezing painfully in your chest.

"So why would you leave him to live in this dark and damp castle?" Jaeyun presses, all but oblivious to Kai’s unsubtle glares.

"I wanted to have control over my own life.” You sigh, “He gave me all the material things and all the love I could ever ask for and, in turn, he wanted to have me all to himself while he got married to another woman. He did terrible things in order to keep me by his side. He was controlling my life like a puppet master and I never even saw it until Taehyun came along. I needed to take back my life from him and so I escaped.”

"Having control over your life is not as great as you think it is.” Jaeyun comments dismissively. “Women might think it's freeing and empowering but it isn’t. All it does is add responsibility to you and stress you out. You think as a man, I’m in charge of my own life? No, I have to slave away in this job in order to maintain my position and provide a good life for my wife, and I don’t even get much doing it because lord righteous won't pay us like the rest of the lords because 'rulers shouldn't live comfortably while the poor people starve'.” Jaeyun complains, “You say this prince gave you everything you ever asked for and he loved you too on top of it? I'd kill to have been in your shoes, just get pampered and coddled and have to do nothing?"

"I didn't have to do nothing." You hiss, but Jaeyun doesn’t take the hint.

"So you let him between your legs every once in a while, there are worse fates than that." He shrugs. You know he doesn't know about Beomgyu forcing himself on you but it is still insensitive to say that considering he very well knows what the reputation of a woman living like that would be.

What hurts even more is that he’s yet another person who seems to think that you should have just accepted being Beomgyu’s whore and that you’re being sensitive over nothing. Once again, you feel stupid and weak. You couldn’t handle Beomgyu and you can’t handle Taehyun. Maybe you don’t deserve either.

Angrily throwing your crossbow on a nearby table, you walk away without a word. That’s all you can do. In the background you can hear the sound of a smack.

“Idiot!”

"What? It’s true."

You wish that is the end of it but then you hear footsteps running after you, and you brace yourself for a conversation you really don't have the energy for right now.

“Hey, wait up!” Kai shouts, his long legs helping him catch up quickly with you. “I’m sorry–”

You spin around on your heel, and snarl at Kai a little too harshly, “Not now, Kai. I just want to be left alone.”

“I’ll do that, I promise, but I just wanted to apologize on his behalf. He can be thoughtless sometimes but he doesn’t mean to be an asshole.”

“It’s okay. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just a stupid girl who doesn’t know how good she had it.”

“No! If the prince was making you do things you didn’t want to do then you have every right to leave him. Not everything that looks good is actually good. I’m sure you had your reasons.” Kai protests vehemently, and something about what he said piques your curiosity.

So Taehyun didn’t tell even Kai about what Beomgyu did to you? He kept the truth about your shame to himself and didn’t tell even his own brother.

In that moment, your respect and gratitude towards Taehyun returned twofold. He is truly serious about giving you the respect you’ve always wanted.

The smile that you give Kai isn’t feigned. "Thank you for being one of only two people who understand.”

______________________________

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ goes the old adage that repeats in your mind every day. You’ve never felt the truth of it more than you do now. Maybe if you weren’t so preoccupied with comparing Taehyun to Beomgyu, you wouldn’t feel like your life now is so lacking. Maybe you’d appreciate what you’ve gained instead of missing what you no longer have. But it’s hard to refrain from that affliction when you are used to a certain way of living and a certain kind of relationship for so long. Maybe you’d have an easier time kicking the habit if Beomgyu doesn’t make sure to remind you of what you’re missing with his constant barrage of letters that, like a fool, you subject yourself to every single time.

And maybe Beomgyu had the right idea back when he’d tried to prevent any contact between you and Taehyun because, unlike the prince, Taehyun doesn’t make any attempt to intercept the letters Beomgyu sends, telling you that if you are to choose him, he wants you to do it out of your own free will. It’s a lovely sentiment from the otherwise reserved man, but the resulting reality of Beomgyu having this relatively unrestricted way of contacting you messes with your already vulnerable emotional state.

Beomgyu’s letters are a beast of their own. Each one unlike the one before it, but all reeking of his abysmal state of mind, and you can’t help but worry for him. He speaks to you of his broken heart, saying how he can't believe you would hurt him this bad. Saying he'll die for you, he'll kill for you.

My princess, every day that passes me by without you by my side is simple agony. Are you satisfied now that you’ve gotten your revenge on me?

Other times he's worried about you.

I fear for you. Is he hurting you?

And other times he's jealous.

Does he feel as good as I do? Does he kiss you like I do?

Yet other times he lets his fury take over, telling you to come home or else, threatening that he’ll attack Taehyun’s castle to kill him and bring you back.

You're mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. No one else can have you. Do you know how insane you're driving me? Come back before I really do something crazy.

You relay those last ones to Taehyun who reassures you that the king won’t let Beomgyu do such a thing. And when you suggest that Beomgyu might just kill his father, Taehyun dismisses you by stating that such an action would result in his execution–a fact that only makes you more anxious. You don’t want him to condemn himself because of you. You want him to give up on you and be happy with his wife.

No, that’s a lie. You wish that’s how you felt but just the idea of it has your heart threatening to quit on you. You don’t want him to be happy without you. You don’t want him to stop loving you, because you don’t think you’ll ever stop loving him.

You don’t tell Taehyun this but each letter, despite how frantic or threatening or angry it is, acts like a balm to your grieving heart, a reassurance that he’s in the same boat as you. Taehyun doesn’t need to know that. Even Beomgyu doesn’t need to know that. It’s your own sinful secret to keep as you dive into his latest letter to you.

This time, it’s a poem, and you clutch it close to your heart as your eyes eagerly pick the letters off the page.

My princess I have known you your whole life I have cared for you for every bit of it And I have loved you for always

From our shared naive childhood Through the clumsy teens fumbling through puberty All the way to our flourishing twenties When your beauty reached such a peak that men fell at your feet And I was no different from those men

You were my light in the darkest of places My hope when I feared that I had nowhere and no one else to turn to You never left my side and I never planned on leaving yours You were the only woman — the only person — who was ever on my mind The only one who I wanted for all of eternity

When I told you of my feelings and you confessed your own I thought we could finally be happy But I saw my hopes shatter in the reflection of your tears As you told me how you could never be mine

I found myself crushed And feeling as if I’d lost my reason for living You were my everything And I thought I was yours as well

I wanted to be the kind of man you wish I was The one who could put put his feelings to the side and let you go Let you find happiness in someone else But how could I do that when I know we were meant to be?

That night you tried to leave me You hurt me so terribly I thought I might die But I hurt you too My heart wrenched at the sight of your tears and the sound of your soft sobs My hands itched to reach out and wipe away your tears Along with the rest of your sorrow But I couldn’t Because it was me who was making you cry

I watched you shy away from me with a gaping hole in my heart I cried myself to sleep wondering how I could make it up to you But the damage I did was too terrible for you, my sweet And so you left me for him

But I still think of you I think of the smile on your face The flush on your cheeks And the glimmer in your eyes And I think of how they’re for him now I cannot bear it all

I cannot bear the thought of never again seeing your blinding smile Hear your healing laugh Touch your soft skin The notion of never basking in your presence again Frightens me to no end

I am willing to sacrifice everything for you My money, my power, even my family With the hope that we could meet again And be together then

But if all my efforts turn out to be in vain If we’re not destined to be with each other in this lifetime And I must suffer through the agony of not having you as my beloved Then let me suffer But fear not

I promise to care for you in this life and every other one I promise to love you Because even when I’m dead, darling My soul would still be yours

Would you still be mine?

Your hands shake as you finish reading, your tears, the most familiar companion you know now, fall onto the letter to join smudge marks that were already there when you first opened it. You know all too well how Beomgyu felt writing this letter because you feel it too.

You know he’s right. You were made to be with each other, but the gods must’ve thought it so amusing to make it so you cannot be together, and the biggest testament to that is the ring Beomgyu attached with the letter.

It represents his unending love and loyalty towards you, but also how empty those are when reality itself is standing in your way. You stare at it wistfully, the crowning diamond so clear it mirrors the tears on your cheeks, because you know that even if you put it on, it wouldn’t mean anything. Even if you go back to him, nothing would change. You have no choice but to stay. The question is, do you want to stay?

Does Taehyun even want you to stay?

Beomgyu has been beside himself trying to prove how much he loves and misses you, and trying to get you to come back to him in any way he can, while Taehyun has barely spent any time with you since you came here. Shouldn’t he be making an effort too? He seemed so interested in you back at the palace and he went through so much trouble to get you here, so why is he pulling away now? You have spent more time with his brother, and even Jaeyun, than with Taehyun himself. Was it a mistake coming here?

No, you can’t let yourself get sucked into that rabbit. It’s no use wondering whether you were right or wrong when you’re already here. You’ve made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. This isn’t some book you opened and didn’t like and now you want to put it back on the shelf. This is your life now and you have to commit to it. If Taehyun won’t come to you, you’ll go to him.

Kai had told you earlier that he and Taehyun have a sparring session today. You could go down and spend some time with them and try to talk to Taehyun a bit, get him to open up and be more comfortable around you, and maybe things will get better from there.

With that in mind, you head down to the training grounds, determination marking your every step.

______________________________________

Your plan works out better than you thought it would, as when you reach your destination, you find Taehyung alone, his younger brother having not arrived yet, and so you jump at the opportunity to spend some time alone with him.

“Good morning, my lord.” You greet the man who is currently sharpening a sword.

He stops what he’s doing and looks up, a small frown on his face. “Good morning, my lady. I thought I told you that you can call me Taehyun.”

“You did but it feels discourteous calling you that when you still insist on calling me ‘my lady’.” You explain pointedly. “Especially around other people who are probably wondering where I get the nerve to call their lord by his first name.”

His frown deepens at that, turning into a full-blown scowl. “Why? Did someone say something to you?”

“No, no.” You hurry to dispel his suspicions. “It was just an observation. No need to get all murderous.” You try to lighten up the mood with a joke but you quickly realize your mistake when he looks down and goes back to sharpening his sword.

“So you’ve joined the ranks of those who call me that.” He comments, voice carefully devoid of any intonation.

You feel bad for upsetting him but you also don’t want to lie. “I have seen you kill people.”

“You think those guards didn’t deserve to die?”

It’s your turn to frown. “No. They were just doing their jobs.”

“Their jobs of keeping watch while the prince violates you?” He asks and that stops you in your tracks. You’ve never thought of it that way. “The one who witnesses a crime and doesn’t stop it is just as bad as the perpetrator.”

“But they couldn’t have done anything. He’s the prince.” You try to rationalize.

“They could have not worked for him, but his money was good enough to buy their morals.”

You look away, feeling stupid for not realizing that sooner. You always feel stupid when it comes to him.

“You may have a point.” You concede, the conversation dying down again.

Nervous and not knowing what to say now, you look for something to occupy yourself with and quickly spot an ornate dagger on the table next to him. Curious, you grab it to inspect it.

“Is this yours?” You ask, and Taehyun only looks up at you to confirm with a hum before going back to what he’s doing.

It’s a curious thing, not bejeweled with precious stones like the personal weapons of the royals, but the handle is heavy and forged in an intricate pattern that you’d never seen before. Dare you say, it’s beautiful.

Mesmerized by how beautiful it is and how reflective the surface is, you mindlessly run your finger along it, regretting it immediately when the edge cuts your skin as easily as if it were a stick of butter.

“Ow!” You yelp, dropping it.

“What the hell are you doing?” Taehyun admonishes, grabbing your hand to take a look at the wound, and you pout, “I didn’t think it would be sharp.”

“Why the hell wouldn’t it be sharp? It’s a weapon, not a butterknife.” He sighs, exasperated, and drops your hand. You let it fall to your side, not even attempting to staunch the small cut because of how embarrassed you feel getting chided by him.

“All such weapons I’d seen before in Beomgyu’s possession were only decorative.” You justify yourself, and he snorts derisively. “Of course they were because your prince is a pampered brat. I, on the other hand, need to carry real weapons on me in case anyone decides to make an attempt on my life.”

“Well, maybe I would have known that if you had bothered to spend any time with me since I’d gotten here, let alone train me like you said you would.”

His eyes narrow at you, and regret bubbles in your throat once again as you feel your knees buckle under his glare. “I wanted to give you some time to get used to the place first.”

“I’m more than used to it.” You double down stupidly, “I’m bored with it.”

He doesn’t seem to find your petulance offensive. In fact, to your surprise, you see a smile tugging on his lips. “Fine, let’s train now, shall we?”

He bends down to pick the dagger and, in the flash of an eye, he has it against your neck. “Rule number one, never drop your weapon. Your enemy could get a hold of it and use it against you.”

Your mouth opens and closes uselessly, the blade not even touching you but the chill of it is felt against your neck. Thankfully, he takes it away and you can breathe again.

He turns around and marches towards a table to grab something. “Rule number two, weapons aren’t toys. Treat them with caution.” He hands you what he got–a wooden dagger. “We’ll start with this. Since your prince doesn’t seem like he’s going to give up on you any time soon, we have to prepare for the possibility of him trying to send his men here to forcefully bring you back to him. Now, the castle is well protected, but in case they do manage to get through, you will need to learn how to defend yourself in order to ward off any attempts to kidnap you.”

As he’s describing the scenario, you feel how real of a possibility that might be. After all, Beomgyu has told you that he will do anything to get you back.

“I will pretend to be someone trying to grab you and you have to stop me in any way you can. They will want to bring you back safely to him, and that’s an advantage to you because you can hurt them while they can’t hurt you. You’re a woman so you’re naturally weaker physically but this is where your dagger comes in.”

“So in this scenario, I would stab them?” You ask incredulously.

“Yes.” He answers simply.

“What if I don’t want to stab anyone?”

“Then just stand there and let them take you. You’ve done that your whole life, you should be used to it.” He cocks his head to the side, expression arrogant and challenging. He’s trying to goad you, and it works.

Enraged, you grip the fake weapon tightly and charge at him. He easily dodges it, grabbing your arm and twisting it behind your back.

“Too slow, and your intentions are plain.” He whispers, his breath tickling your ear and making you shudder, before he pushes you away, making you stumble a bit before you regain your balance. “Again.”

You charge at him again, but just as you near him, he steps to the side, and you, not having calculated for the sudden movement, fall to the ground.

“Hmph!” Your breath is knocked out of you. You expect Taehyun to help you up but he just crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow at your fallen form.

“Aren’t you going to help me up?” You complain irately.

“You have arms and legs. You can help yourself up.”

Ugh.

Huffing, you stand up and dust yourself off, muttering, “What a gentleman.”

“I’m not trying to be a gentleman. In here I am your instructor, not the man who is courting you.”

You snort at that. “You’re hardly the man courting me anywhere else.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Instead of replying, you attempt to ambush him. The sudden attack takes him a bit by surprise, but he still manages to grab your wrist and pull you to him, holding onto your waist tightly with his other hand so you can’t squirm away.

There is barely any room for breath between you two as he murmurs, “Better but still bad.”

You open your mouth to retort but it’s squeezed out of you when he shoves you away in a manner that is decidedly not gentlemanly. You get the overwhelming urge to stomp your foot and complain, but you know this would have no effect on the man in front of you so you just keep going.

It goes on like this for a while, with you either charging and trying to stab him or him advancing on you and trying to disarm you–or should you say, successfully disarming you every time? It’s exhausting and he doesn’t make any attempts to be gentle with you, shoving you, giving you splinters by yanking the wooden dagger from your tight grip, letting you fall, twisting your arm behind your back so many times you’re worried he might fracture it… he doesn’t pull any stops on your account.

“Come on, it’s like you’re not even trying.” He comments disparagingly, and you seethe. The hell you’re not trying! You’re doing your best, standing in front of him, panting and dirty while he has barely broken a sweat. It’s not fair that he’s a fucking warlord yet he somehow expects you to put up any kind of close fight.

Clenching your teeth, you grip your dagger tightly and lunge at him. But if your early attempts were predictable, this one is too–moreover, you’re thoroughly exhausted by this point–and he effortlessly grabs onto your dagger-wielding arm and shoves it, along with you, against a nearby wooden beam.

“Tsk, tsk, you’re getting even worse.” He admonishes haughtily, and uses his body to pin you against the beam.

You’re about to give him your best scathing retort, but something catches your attention–his eyes.

“Your eyes… They’re gray. I never noticed.” You comment curiously, getting closer to his face to take a better look. You’ve never seen them this clearly before, and being this up close in bright sunlight, you can see how strangely beautiful they are. “They look like the sea here.”

Your compliment catches him off guard and he unconsciously softens. You watch as the black of his pupils widen to swallow more of the steely gray of his irises as you gaze into them, breaking eye contact only to glance down at his lips when he licks them.

Suddenly, an idea pops into your brain, and you arch into him, pressing your body flush against the hard planes of his. Hearing his breath hitch the slightest bit, you close the remaining distance between you and kiss him.

He falters, but you don’t stop. You kiss him until he yields and kisses you back, and then you push more, opening your mouth to glide your tongue against the seam of his lips, coaxing him to let you in. Curiously, he lets you lead the kiss, allowing himself to fall into whatever rhythm you choose to set, and you take this opportunity to not hold back.

When you feel him press back against you and moan into your mouth, that’s when you strike, using your free hand to grab at the real dagger he had slipped onto his belt earlier. You had hardly wrapped your hand around it than he shoved you back against the beam and grabbed your other wrist. Now you had both your hands pinned next to your head.

Taehyun licks his lips, breathing heavily but with a grin on his face. "What a crafty little vixen.”

“What can I say? I much prefer this way of fighting.” You bite your lip before you kiss him again, and this time he falls into it right away, sucking on your bottom lip before he opens his mouth and lets you push your tongue in, his strong body pressing against yours and riling you up.

“Woah, is this a bad time?” You hear Jaeyun’s voice and Taehyun is off you faster than you can blink.

“Of course not.” He barks unhappily, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Uh–we can come back later.” Kai squeaks uncomfortably but shuts down when Taehyun glares at him.

“No need.” You all stay frozen in your spots and watch him march towards a row of what you know to be blunt swords and pick two up then turn back to Kai and throw one of them at him. “You’re already so late. Let’s spar now.”

What’s his problem? Why is he so upset?

With displeasure, you watch as he transforms back into army general Taehyun in front of your eyes just when you were finally making some progress with him.

Fucking Jaeyun.

You feel eyes on you and look up to see Kai staring at you with an apologetic look and a blush on his face. You blush too, just now fully realizing that he’s caught you and his brother kissing heatedly.

Seems like both the brothers have a penchant for catching you in compromising positions.

“Ready?” Taehyun asks, readying his sword, and Kai looks away from you and draws his own sword. “Yes.”

“You call it, my lady.” Taehyun requests.

Grumpily, you step away from the beam, trying to ignore the wetness between your legs as you move closer to the two brothers. Taking a deep breath, you raise your hand then drop it, shouting, “Fight.”

Immediately, the clang of swords fills the area, and you’re suddenly acutely aware that they’re wielding real weapons, even if blunt, unlike the wooden dagger you were practicing with. Your heart beats erratically as you watch the fight unfold. Kai is larger and stronger but Taehyun is more agile and precise. He uses Kai’s large body mass to deliver more hits, while using his own smaller size to dodge Kai’s clumsy swings.

The fight is clearly unbalanced, almost as much as yours had been. Taehyun is evidently the superior swordsman, while Kai struggles greatly to defend himself, let alone land a hit on Taehyun.

You realize that Taehyun had actually been rather gentle with you now that you see the brutal hits he delivers to his own brother, whether that be by sword or using shoves and kicks. Kai can barely stand up before Taehyun knocks him back down, each hit delivered with a scathing instruction or remark about how he’s not blocking the hits right or how he’s swinging incorrectly or how he’s not using his body well.

"Honestly, all that height and strength is wasted on you." Taehyun disparages as he yet again strikes the blunt sword against Kai’s abdomen, knocking the wind out of him and driving him to his knees in pain. He scoffs, turning his back to his brother and walking away to catch his breath–not because Kai gave him any actual trouble, but because he’s so brutal with his hits that he tires himself out–leaving Kai to struggle to get back on his feet.

You look to Jaeyun, concerned about how rough Taehyun is being. “Should we stop them?”

But Jaeyun just shrugs. “That’s how their fights usually go. Taehyun is convinced that if he’s tough enough on Kai, that he’d get better, but he never does. Kai is just not a fighter.”

Not satisfied with Jaeyun’s complacent attitude, you walk towards Taehyun with a determined frown. Pulling out a handkerchief, you use it to pat the sweat from Taehyun’s forehead. He closes his eyes and lets you.

“Kai is really struggling out there.” You venture, and Taehyun opens his eyes again, giving you an unreadable look that makes you nervous, but you push on. “Why don’t you go easy on him a bit?”

“You think an enemy would go easy on him?”

His words annoy you. It’s so like Taehyun to take everything to its extreme. “No, but he’s not battling enemies right now. He is practicing with his brother, and maybe he’d learn more if you didn’t knock him down every minute.”

It’s Taehyun’s turn to be annoyed. “I’ve tried going easy on him. I’ve been trying for years. It just makes him slack off.”

“Well, the solution can’t be to beat him up.” You raise your voice, feeling frustrated with Taehyun and worried for his poor brother. You already feel so protective over Kai and you don’t want to see him get hurt because of Taehyun’s stubbornness and militant style.

"You think you know how to care for my own brother better than I can?” He asks, angry too but his anger has a dangerous edge to it that yours doesn’t possess. “I’ve been taking care of him since before our father passed away. What if something happened to me? He needs to learn how to fend for himself."

His stubbornness and refusal to entertain any opposing views are uncomfortably reminiscent of Beomgyu, and your mood sours sharply. Suddenly, you don’t want to have this conversation anymore.

“You’re right. I’m sorry for intruding, my lord. Far be it for me to dare to question you.” You say through gritted teeth.

“Don’t speak that way. Don’t act like I am some kind of tyrant.”

“Yes, my lord.” You say, intending to anger him more, even if it’s to your own detriment. You see his jaw clench and the gray of his eyes storm over, but you stand your ground. You suppose you’re just as stubborn as they are.

“Hey, hey, don’t fight over me.” Kai wheezes, using his sword as leverage to stand up. But he’s too weakened by the beatdown, causing him to lose his balance and stumble. You quickly rush to hold him up, but when you encircle his waist with your arms, he yelps in pain and you quickly take them away.

“I’m so sorry!” You squeak, watching him wobble but not knowing how to help him without hurting him. Thankfully, he manages to keep himself up and he gives you a pained smile. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I just don’t want you to fight.”

“We’re not fighting.” You say tightly, giving Taehyun a pointed look before looking back at Kai with concern. “But what about you? You don’t look like you can keep going.”

“Oh me? I’m fine.” He brushes you off unconvincingly, standing up straight and holding his sword out but you can see the wince on his face and the way his sword hand shakes.

You were just about to call his bluff, when Taehyun speaks up. “We’re done for today.”

“We are?” Kai asks in surprise.

“Yes. You can take a rest.” He gives you an unreadable look before turning on his heel and walking off.

“Wow, did you actually get Taehyun to cut the training short?” Jaeyun exclaims, “That’s amazing.”

“That��s cutting it short?” You deride.

“Believe it or not, yes. Normally, I’d have to be helped back to my room.” Kai laughs.

“That’s not funny.” You shut him down, concerned. “Why is he treating you so harshly?”

“He’s just trying to look out for me.” He explains, and you open your mouth to protest but he continues. “Like he said, he’s been taking care of me since we were children. He was even the one to protect me from our father who was much harsher than Taehyun is.”

You look at him inquisitively, waiting for him to elaborate. You’ve never heard much about their father and you really want to know more. Maybe it would help you unravel the enigma that Taehyun is currently to you. “Really? Was he that bad?”

“Oh, he was worse.” Kai chuckles breathlessly and limps towards a bench so he can sit down. You follow him and take a seat beside him. “Taehyun is downright soft next to him. He was a cruel and short-tempered man. You wouldn’t believe the beatings Taehyun had to endure on my behalf because our father thought I was a wimp and a pussy as he so lovingly liked to refer to me.”

“That horrible! I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.” You gasp, suddenly feeling sorry for both brothers despite your anger at Taehyun.

“It’s fine. The bastard’s dead now.”

You’re shocked to hear the venom is Kai’s voice. You’ve never heard him be anything less than pleasant.

“You must’ve really hated him, huh?”

An agreeing scoff is all that he answers you with. He doesn’t seem to like talking about this much, but you can’t let it go just yet. You needed to know more.

“What about your mother? What did she have to say about all of that?”

“Mother? She died giving birth to me so she didn’t really get the chance to say much about it.” Kai states, his hatred suddenly turning to melancholy. “But Taehyun tells me that she was the most kind and wonderful mother ever. I wish I had met her. He says he wishes so too. I guess that’s why he felt so guilty and like he had to protect me from father. I never got to experience what it’s like to have a loving parent and so as a child, he wanted to take on that role for me.” Kai smiles wistfully, “And he really did. He was such a kind and caring older brother. I got away with so much shit because of him.”

“So what changed?” You don’t mean to come off as rude, but the Taehyun you see now is a far cry from the person Kai is describing so fondly.

He wraps an arm around his bruised midsection, and you patiently wait for him to get his bearings. “He’s still very kind and caring but after our father passed away, Taehyun had to step up and become the lord of the house. It made him realize that someday, he might not be there for me and he wants to make sure that if that ever happens, I’d be able to take care of myself.”

“Oh.” You say dumbly because that’s what you are. You stuck your nose in other people’s business when you knew nothing about them and now you’re the asshole.

“I don’t want you to take what you’re seeing now as the whole of him. He is good at heart, and he wasn’t always so serious. He actually used to be a very carefree child, but after our mother died and father ceased to have any semblance of supervision over him, he took to beating it out of him bit by bit so that he’d be able to mold him into the ruthless heir he wanted. And then after our father died too, Taehyun had to fully embody that role so father’s men wouldn’t eat him alive, and eventually, lord Taehyun and my brother became inextricable.” Kai heaves a long sigh when he’s done, and turns to smile at you.

“That’s why I’m glad you’re here. He seems to be softer around you. Look how he stopped the practice just for you. I hope you can bring my brother back to me. Or at the very least, I hope you can make him a little more at peace with himself and with the world. He deserves it after all he’s been through.”

He really does, but what about you? Are you doomed to sacrifice your own happiness to help broken men with parental issues feel better about themselves?

You have those issues too. Don’t you deserve to be with someone who isn’t so fucked up for a change?

_____________________________

Damn your bleeding heart.

You have a world of issues of your own but, after your talk with Kai, you can’t help but feel guilty and stupid for the way you talked to Taehyun.You’ve only been here a few weeks and yet you’re acting just like the spoiled brat Beomgyu has always said you were.

You can’t help but feel like an apology is in order so you decide to seek Taehyun out and apologize to him.

He lets you into his study with a gentle voice that clashes a great deal with the ferocious side of him you’ve come to know. As you step in and bear the full weight of his stormy gaze on you, your body crouches feebly, making you feel smaller than you already do and you just stand still in the doorway, all words escaping you.

“Why don’t you take a seat, my lady?” Taehyun offers, and you rush to do so, grateful he’s given you something to do. But once you’ve sat down, you go back to your fish out of water impersonation. Thankfully, he gives you a prompt, “Not that I don’t so enjoy looking at you, my lady, but is there a reason for your visit?”

You blush at his unexpected compliment. Every so often, you get glimpses of the Taehyun you met back at the palace and your heart skips a beat but then he says or does something to push you away, sometimes physically.

“I came to apologize.” You say and he looks at you with muted curiosity. “Kai told me all about your parents and why you’re being so harsh with him. I shouldn’t have been so abrasive when I didn’t know the full story.”

“And now you do, huh?” He raises an eyebrow at you and you can’t help but feel mocked. “What did he say?”

You brush off the feeling and relay what Kai said to you. “He explained how your father was always cruel to you, especially after your mother died in childbirth, and how you took the brunt of it to protect him but that after your father died too, you needed to take on his role and become the lord of the house and so you feel like you have to act this way to take care of Kai.” You say all in one breath then pause under the cryptic look he gives you. “But you don’t have to do it alone. I want to help you. I want to be the strong woman you think I can be.”

"I see." Still his expression doesn't betray any emotion as he stares at you. It unnerves you to no end. You're so used to easily reading Beomgyu's expressions that this statuesque manner of Taehyun deeply unsettles you. “Are you ready to prove that?”

You gulp. “I am.”

“Good.” His stare softens and he leans back in his chair, allowing you to breathe again. “Next time I go out hunting, why don’t you come along with me? We will have to go over some of the things you need to know before we go, but I expect you to participate fully in the hunt. Is that something you think you can do?”

Participate fully? That doesn’t sound good. “You mean attempt to kill the animal myself?”

“Yes. Do you have a problem with that?" He asks, and this time you can sense his tone–reproaching and impatient. You can’t afford to disappoint him anymore.

You shake your head. "No."

___________________________________

You’ve never gone out hunting before. It was strictly a male sport back at the palace. Not that you ever wanted to join. You never felt that murderous male urge to hunt and kill your own food so you didn’t really care.

As it turns out, it was worse than you had imagined.

You could ride well. It's one of the few practical things women were allowed to learn back at the palace. And after your extensive lessons with Jaeyun, you could also shoot your crossbow well enough. But the combination of chasing prey on horseback while trying to shoot it down was new and challenging.

As the day stretches on, you feel exhausted and sweaty and gross, and frankly you don’t want to be here. For the first time since coming to this cold place, you feel hot, and the insects that swarm around you each time you slow down don’t help. You want to go back to the castle but you don’t want to tell Taehyun that in fear that he’s going to view you as weak or spoiled. You’ve just started proving yourself to him. You can’t take one step forward and two steps back.

“There.” Taehyun says lowly, spotting a deer from far away and taking off after it. You grit your teeth and kick your horse into motion, following behind him, one hand gripped tightly around the reign of the horse while the other struggles to take aim at the retreating animal. You feel sorry for it, but wish someone would just shoot it down already so you can finally go home and take a bath. But you know no one will, because you’re the one who is supposed to do it.

You had plenty of chances to get up close to prey animals in this hunt, seeing as you’re quite a skilled rider, but your aim while moving leaves something to be desired. So when you actually manage to land a hit on the deer, you almost can’t believe it. Your arrow lodges itself in the animal’s hind leg, causing its gallop to falter and forcing it to limp uselessly as you catch up to it.

“Good job.” You hear Taehyun shout, and he discharges his own arrow that strikes the animal in the abdomen, causing it to stumble to the ground. You slow down your horse as you go up to it, watching it sadly as it cries and bleeds out.

Taehyun dismounts his horse and walks up to the dying animal to take a look at it before he looks back at you and tells you to join him. Hesitantly, you do, flinching as you get closer to the poor animal.

What you don’t expect is for Taehyun to hand you the dagger you cut yourself on before, and order you to slit the deer’s throat.

“W-what?” You sputter, your stomach flipping.

“Look at it, it’s in pain. You need to end its suffering.”

You shake your head vehemently and attempt to hand him back the dagger. “So you do it!”

“I’ve done it countless times. I want you to do it.”

“Why?”

“I need to know that you’re capable of taking a life if you need to. What use are all the lessons I’m giving you on how to defend yourself if you’re not going to be able to follow through with them? How are you going to possibly kill someone if you can’t even kill this dying animal?”

Once again, Taehyun turns into the scary lord you heard so much about, and in this moment, you wish for nothing more than to have listened to Beomgyu and Wongyoung and everyone else when they warned you about him.

“I can’t.” You continue shaking your head, and Taehyun’s expression sours more. “The longer you stand there, the more you prolong its suffering.”

You cast another glance at the animal, seeing it weep like a small child as it feels the throes of death inch closer to it but not quite being there yet, and it just confirms Taehyun’s words. “But I don’t know how.”

“I’ll help you.” He walks you to the animal and gets behind you, the both of you kneeling down beside its head.

“Grab the head and pull it back.” He instructs, and the deer’s cries renew in vigor as you do so. It struggles in your grip but you hold onto it tightly. Taehyun grabs your hand that holds the dagger and brings it close to the animal’s now exposed neck.

“Okay.” You cry, the ringing in your ear making it hard to hear yourself.

"Don't cry. You need to be steady or you'll make it suffer needlessly." Taehyun’s voice is stern and devoid of reassurance, but you swallow your cries anyway. You need to do this for the animal. You need to end its suffering and you need to prove yourself to Taehyun.

He guides your hand to the underside of the deer’s neck and presses down as he slices upward, cutting the neck wide open. You’re surprised by how smooth the cut is and how easily the skin and tissues give way under the sharp knife.

You let go of the deer as the blood gushes from its now slashed neck, but you don’t do it fast enough and some of the blood spurts on your hand, the mild warmth of it burns your skin and you immediately drop the dagger and stand up. But your eyes stay glued onto the deer as it kicks and kicks and breathes its last breaths.

For what it’s worth, it doesn’t take long for the animal to die after that, and very soon, it stops moving entirely and just lays there in a stillness that forces you to reflect on what you just did. It’s apparent that it was the merciful decision to stop the animal’s suffering, but is it as clear that you had to be the one to do it?

Taehyun seems to think so but you don’t know if you agree. Beomgyu certainly wouldn’t have exposed you to this but here you are, blood on your hands as you stare down at the animal you slaughtered and a certain warlord whispers in your ear.

“You did well. I’m proud of you.”

__________________________________

You cry and you cry that day, your tears falling heavily into the bath until you’re not sure if it’s filled with water or your own tears.

But eventually the tears stop, and each time you go hunting after that, it gets easier.

Taehyun is so pleased with your performance that he starts spending more and more time with you, whether that be hunting or sparring or even just having a simple dinner together like you are right now.

"You look beautiful.” Taehyun ventures, snapping you out of your thoughts, and you look up to see him staring back at you bashfully. “I mean… you're always beautiful, but especially tonight."

You want to take the compliment. You really do, but you can’t make sense of the split personality he seems to have. At least Beomgyu’s actions were always consistent, but Taehyun just leaves you on edge every time you’re around him, wondering which Taehyun you’ll get this time–the cold and unyielding one or sweet and charming one.

“Hmm.” You reply concomitantly, and he frowns.

Oh, did you upset him with your unexpected response? Good. Now he knows how you feel.

In any case, he doesn’t comment on it and just continues as if there was nothing amiss.

“I have something for you.” He pulls out the dagger he always gives you on your hunts and presents it to you. “This dagger has been in my family for centuries. It bears our sigil and it’s been handed down from father to son for generations.” He explains and your eyes trace over the engraving again. So that’s what that is. “I want you to have it.”

“What?” You breathe, abandoning your affected nonchalance in the face of such a valuable item. “Oh, I couldn’t!”

“You can. You’ve done such a marvelous job so far.” He praises you so offhandedly, not realizing how much this actually means to you. This is the first time he’s been so outwardly appreciative of your efforts and it’s much more than you’ve ever expected from him, honestly. “Besides, you need it to defend yourself. Keep it on you at all times, okay? I need to know that you’ll be safe.”

You stare at him dumbfoundedly.

“What?” He asks uncertainly, still holding out the dagger in the air.

"Why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"You!” You shout, feeling like you’re going to go crazy if you don’t get an explanation from him right now. “You act so hot and cold. One moment you treat me like shit and the next you’re giving me a priceless heirloom that is supposed to stay in your family. Why are you doing this?"

He sighs, understanding dawning on him. "You’re… a very beautiful lady, as I'm sure you’re aware by now with how crazy your prince acted over you and how much he tried to prevent other men from courting you. And well, I am a man as well. Despite how much I try to control myself, I’m still as liable to fall under the spell of a beautiful woman like any other man, and I worry that if I let myself get carried away with you, I might end up making the wrong choice. You’re a very lovely woman. I just need to make sure you’re the right person for me before I let myself get swept away."

“Oh.” Never in a million years did you think that that would be the explanation for his contradictory behavior around you.

“That’s why I was such an asshole that day with Kai. I was angry at myself for almost slipping.”

So one man you romanced was too obsessed with touching you that he raped you and the other is too scared to even come near you? Wonderful.

“But you can’t just ignore me or lash out at me because you think you can’t control yourself around me! I abandoned everything, the life I’ve always known, to come here with you because you promised you’ll be there for me!”

“I know and I am!” He insists earnestly, “I am here for you and I promise to be better, but it would really help if you would prove to me once and for all that you've got what I'm looking for. Then I can let go, knowing I won’t regret it."

That pisses you off. “I’ve done nothing but bend over backwards to prove myself to you. What else could I possibly do for you to finally trust me?”

He winces, finally seeming to feel bad for what he’s making you go through. He thinks about it for a bit then says, “You can come to court with me, see how I deal with my subjects and then you’ll get a feel of what kind of man I really am and whether I am someone you want or not, and I’ll get to see how you act in a stressful situations where you need to make a judgment and I’ll make my own decision. What do you say?”

"Fine." You cross your arms over your chest.

“Are you going to take this?” He asks, offering you the dagger again, and you snatch it out of his hands, huffing.

Just then, a knock comes at the door.

“Come in.” Taehyun speaks up, but doesn’t take his eyes off you.

A guard steps in, bowing. "Greetings, my lord.”

“What do you want?”

“Someone is here to see the lady."

_______________________________________

It’s been so long since you’d last seen your parents. You used to wish that when you’d meet them again, you’d be able to look at them with a sense of pride and accomplishment at having secured a marriage that would make them pleased.

But now, as they stand in front of you, all you can regard them with is blame and contempt. Even more so as they reveal that they’re here to convince you to go back to Beomgyu.

“He’s threatening to take your father’s business down if we can’t get you to go back to him!” Your mother exclaims as if she can’t understand how you could possibly refuse.

“Seeing as to how you prostituted me out for that business, I can’t say that I have it in me to care much, mother.” You shoot back poisonously, but she laughs.

“Prostituted you? Please! You were practically throwing yourself at him. I’m sure you would’ve spread your legs for him even if we never had that deal with his father.”

“Heejin!” You father hisses in warning at the same time that Taehyun steps forward, fury dancing in his eyes, but you quickly hold your hand out to stop him.

“Oh, I see what’s going on.” Your mother says derisively, shooting a glare at Taehyun. “You found another man to ensnare with your cunt.”

“Will you shut your mouth, you dreadful witch!” Your father screams, and Taehyun gives you a frustrated look.

“Do you want me to throw them in the cells?”

“I can handle this.” You insist, and Taehyun reluctantly gives in. As a powerful lord of his own city, he must not be used to just standing there helplessly, but you appreciate his respect for your wishes. “If that’s what you want, my lady.”

You turn back to your parents, hatred and disgust filling your veins, the likes of which you’d never felt before. It is one thing for Beomgyu to take advantage of you, but it is another thing entirely for your own flesh and blood to not only sell you out, but to stand here and shame you for the situation they put you in, a situation they benefited from so much that they’re here to try to force you back into it.

Beomgyu is right. He’s the only one who really cared about you. If it wasn’t for him, you’re sure your family would’ve sold you to a worser fate.

“You better get the fuck out of here before I let him get his hands on you.” You threaten, and your mother gasps and turns to your father. “Are you going to let her talk to us that way?”

Your father gives you a pleading look. “Don’t do this, honey. You don’t know what that boy is capable of. He’s not going to rest until he gets you back at any cost.”

“Oh, is that concern I hear, father? Where was that when the prince physically imprisoned me at the palace and forced himself on me? That’s right, you were back at home enjoying the money he gave you for it, but now that I’m out of his clutches, you want to act fucking concerned?!” You scream so loudly your throat burns.

You don’t realize how angry and bitter you are with your parents until they’re standing right in front of you. Suddenly all the things you were made to go through because they couldn’t act like real fucking parents and protect you come surging forward and make you want to hurt them. But you won’t. Because you’re better than them.

“Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Face.”

“But the money–”

You bark out a bitter laugh. “Don’t worry, mother, I will write to the dear prince and beg him not to cut you off.”

“Oh, sweetheart–”

“But not for you.” You spit at your father, “You can rot in hell for all I care. It’s for my siblings. They don’t deserve to suffer because of what you’ve done to me.”

“Thank you. Thank you–”

“Throw them out, please.” You turn to Taehyun, and he gestures to his guards to follow your command.

Once your parents are out of your sight, you break down. Every single hateful emotion that’s been fueling your body flushing out at once and getting replaced with a sadness so deep and crushing that you fear it will swallow you whole.

Your sobs echo around the room. You’re so caught up in it that you jump when you feel someone’s arms around you, and you look up in shock to see that it’s Taehyun.

You laugh feebly. "I know. I'm so weak, right?"

He frowns and shakes his head forcefully. "No! You’re not weak. In fact, you’re so incredibly strong. You had the guts to confront your parents about what they’ve done to you and didn’t let them shame or guilt you into bowing to their twisted wishes, but you also didn’t let your anger at them hurt your siblings. That takes so much strength and goodness of heart. You’re honestly incredible." He breathes in awe, brushing your tears off.

“Thank you.” You feel at a loss for words. You never expected this from Taehyun. His words alone give you the push you need to fight back against that overwhelming sadness and force it back behind its gates.

Later that day, you send out your first and hopefully last letter to Beomgyu, beseeching him not to cut off your family and advising him that he’s sorely mistaken if he thinks this is the way he’s going to get you back.

You know that this won’t be the end of it. It can’t be. But when his reply comes back, you feel a chill run down your spine.

You’re right. This is not the way. I was just hoping that you would agree and wouldn't force me to do something extreme. But have it your way, my princess. Just know, I will get you back.

___________________________________

What you learn from attending Taehyun’s court is that he has a very strict and rigid moral and penal code. He doesn’t make allowances for anybody, no matter their circumstances or how much they beg. You suppose, more than anything, that this is where the rumors about his merciless persona come from.

It is never more apparent than in the case of the man kneeling in front of you right now, convicted of killing his daughter’s supposed murderer, her husband.

“He killed her! I know he did! She was my only child.” The old man wails, “How can you sentence me to death for avenging my own flesh and blood?”

“It’s not up to you to avenge her. You should’ve come to the court and presented your case and if it was true, I would’ve executed him myself, but you took the law into your hand and became a murderer yourself, and the punishment for that is death.”

Your gasp is muffled under the wails of the man’s wife and the rejoicing of the dead husband's family. The wife tries to push past the guards who are taking the suspect away, shouting and screaming for mercy.

“Please, my lord, mercy.” She cries out, “I have no one but him. My dear daughter is dead. You can’t take him away too!”

“He sealed his own fate, mother.” Taehyun's cold reply offers no reprieve for the poor crone.

“Curse you.” She shouts, spitting in the direction of Taehyun.

The guards are immediately shoving her out of the room as she shouts out for her husband and he cries back in grief. “Damn you. Damn you to hell!”

Why is Taehyun doing this? How is this the same man who could be so incredibly sweet to you? You can’t fathom how such kindness and such irredeemable inhumanity can exist in the same person, and you can’t bear to watch it anymore. You’ve only just started to fall for him. You can’t handle seeing him act so cruelly, and so you run out of the courtroom, not sparing a glance at the emotionless lord seated at the head of the room.

When your escape winds you up at a ledge overlooking the sea, you let the wind flow freely in and out of your lungs in large gasps, taking out some of your anxiety and replacing it with the salty air.

Is this really the man you might end up with? This cold and unfeeling lord? You feel like you’ve run from the arms of one cruel man right into those of another. If Beomgyu is a deadly siren then Taehyun is the vicious sea.

Again, you wonder what Beomgyu would’ve done in that situation. Would he have so easily doomed a vengeful father to death or would he have pardoned him? You don’t know but you know he would’ve never subjected you to any of it. You were so sheltered with Beomgyu but Taehyun seems to revel in throwing you to the wolves just to see if you would survive.

It feels so cold without you, Beomgyu.

You don’t know how long you just stand there in the cold breeze, letting it chill your bones as you watch the waves crash endlessly onto the shore, but eventually, you see a figure coming your way from the periphery of your vision, and then you feel just a little bit less cold as a coat is draped around your shoulders.

“How long have you been out here? You’re shaking.” Taehyun takes note of your current miserable state, but you don’t have time for his lukewarm attempts at kindness.

“Why are you here?”

Taehyun sighs and takes his hands off you. “I wanted to see where you’d run off too. It’s rude to leave before the lord of the house, you know?”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t stomach your casual cruelty.” You sneer.

“You think that was cruel?”

“Yes.” You reply as if it was a stupid question. “This isn’t some animal you’re slaughtering out in the woods. How can you take a life so easily?”

“I never take a life easily.” He states firmly, a hint of anger and a ton of indignation slipping into his voice. “I consider everything before I do and make sure it’s the right decision. I even carry out all the executions I order myself so I would never sentence a man to death unless I was absolutely sure he deserves it.”

You turn on him, “How can you say that he deserves it? That man was avenging his daughter. What does it matter whether you kill the husband or he does?”

“How are you so sure it’s the husband?” He counters, turning to face you too. “That dead man never got the chance to defend himself. Maybe he didn’t do it. It could’ve been someone else. It could’ve been that grieving father himself for all we know. He could've been setting up his son in law because the dead can’t talk. Have you thought about that? Have you thought that he might just be lying?”

“He didn’t look like he was lying.” You protest lamely, and Taehyun snorts. “And what do you know of lying? Your whole life you’ve been lied to and you never saw it. Your prince lied to you. Your friend lied to you. Even your family lied to you.”

You bristle at the fact that he’s using what happened to you against you. Well, if that’s how he wants to go about this, then you can hit back in kind. “And you’re acting just like that prince you hate so much. Neither of you can face the fact that you could possibly be wrong about something. That man could’ve been lying but he could’ve been telling the truth. How would you feel if you were in his position and someone murdered your loved one and you couldn’t do anything about it? You’re trying so hard to fill your father’s shoes that you forgot what it’s like to have some fucking empathy for other people.”

He moves closer to you and grabs you by the arms and you suddenly realize how high up you are right now. He could so easily push you off this ledge and you’d fall to your death on the jagged rocks below.

“Don’t fucking compare me to my father.” He growls, “I don’t know what it’s like? You think you know so much, huh? You think you have it all figured out? Do you want to know how my mother really died?”

You falter. What does he mean by how she really died? “Kai said she died in childbirth.”

“No. That was a lie. I lied to Kai about it.” He mocks, “My mother was killed by my father.”

“What?”

“You want to know why I am the way that I am? It’s because I learned from a young age that without having a strong and just legal system in place, people would be free to commit whatever crimes they wanted without any retribution. I know that because my father killed my mother and everyone in court knew about it, but no one did anything because he paid them all off. Even the fucking lawmen and the priests knew!” He screams in your face, looking the most emotional you’ve ever seen him. You must’ve really hurt him.

“I tried to kill him but I couldn’t so I tried to gather men who would help me take him to trial but no one would go against my father. They told him of my plans and he threatened to kill me. I couldn't die and leave Kai alone with him so I bided my time until he died then I confiscated the lands of everyone who helped him and hired new men, that's why I'm hated so much in court but I don’t care. I made sure to form a strong legal system overseen by myself that would punish anyone who would commit such a crime so no one would have to go through what I went through. That’s why it’s important for me to uphold the law even when it makes me seem like a monster. So don’t fucking tell me that I don’t know what it feels like, but that doesn’t mean that I will allow people to take the law into their own hands and just start killing other people without any accountability!”

It’s quiet for a moment, the both of you just glaring at each other as the sea air carries away his indignant breaths.

You feel sorry for him, you really do. You have plenty of experience with feeling helpless and victimized, so you don’t begrudge him his anger, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll give him a pass for it.

"And are you satisfied with what you've done?” You ask scornfully, “At least that man is going to his death knowing he avenged the one he loved. He will go to his grave a content man while you will have to live the rest of your life with the fact that your father got to live a long life without facing any punishment for what he did to your mother." Your words make him pale as they hit him, and his grip loosens around you so you take the opportunity to push his hands off you.

"Would you have sentenced Kai to death if he had killed your father?” You challenge, but he stays silent. Scoffing, you take off the coat he gave you and shove it against his chest. “If this is what your justice entails, letting a killer live while sentencing a father to death for avenging his daughter, then I don’t want it."

___________________________________________

You don't see Taehyun for a few days after that and you wonder if you’ve finally taken things too far and he doesn’t want you anymore. That’s fine, you can’t live with a man who is so cruel anyway. You know you were a bit cruel with your words yourself, but he needed to hear it.

You still attend your training with Jaeyun and Kai because you have nothing else to do, and if you’re left to your thoughts of what might actually happen to you if he kicks you out of the castle, then you might lose it. It’s not that you enjoy your time here, far from it, but you have nowhere else to go other than back to Beomgyu.

And maybe you should. So far, he’s been right about a lot of things, and it would be so much easier to just give into him, to let him take you into his arms and shower you with the kind of smothering love that only he could give. He wouldn’t make you work for it either. To him, you’re enough as you are and he wants every bit of you.

Just as you’ve almost given into Beomgyu’s song, Taehyun comes to you, crashing through the enchantment.

“Why are you here?” You look at him with narrowed eyes. Given your position, you should probably be nicer to him. You’ve seen what he’s capable of. He takes lives so easily, but you’re stubborn and just as staunch about your own morals. You’re not going to suck up to him even if your future depended on it.

But Taehyun doesn’t seem bothered by your rudeness. He just smiles knowingly at you. "I want you to join me at dinner tonight."

"I don't want to go anywhere with you." You turn your head away from him contemptuously. He can’t just come up to you and act all innocent after what he’s done.

Taehyun isn’t the least bit daunted by your outwardly disdain for him. He moves around so he’s in your field of vision again and you see that he still has that damned smile on his face.

"I didn't sentence that man to death." He informs you and you straighten up immediately, eyes widening. “What?”

"I thought about what you said. You’re right, it does eat away at me. Every night I see that man’s–that monster’s face and dream that I would’ve killed him.” He snarls, looking down at his hands, and you suppose he’s imagining even now. He sighs and shakes his head, looking up at you. “I investigated the matter of the daughter’s death. Turns out the husband really did murder her so I let the old man go.”

You stare at him in shock.

“Of course, I couldn’t let him go back to his home or else everyone will think they can just enact their own form of vigilante justice whenever they please, and that is still something I am staunchly against. So I sent him and his wife away to another city.” Once again he sighs, “I don’t know if that was the right choice or not. Part of me thinks it’s the right thing, that I spared a grieving father’s life, but the other part is asking me what the hell I’m doing and why am I even listening to you when this is the way I’ve been doing things for so long." He shrugs and doesn't meet your eyes. “I guess what you said about if Kai had done a similar thing, would I have sentenced him to death as well, really got to me.”

He’s still not looking at you, seeming at war with himself just like he’s describing. So you take it upon yourself to jump up, beaming, and grab him, kissing him.

You can tell he’s surprised by the sudden kiss but he doesn’t take long to reciprocate it, sighing against your lips as if he really needed the reassurance and gentle touch. Kai’s words about how they never really got to experience the love of a parent springs to mind. Their mother died when Taehyun was just a kid too. He had to live under the tyranny of his father, and even when the man passed away, Taehyun had to step up and fill his shoes. He didn’t get the chance to experience much love in his tumultuous life, but he’s done so much for you already, and maybe you can repay him in time.

With that in mind, you deepen the kiss, not pushing for anything sexual but just allowing him to feel how proud you are with what he’s done, and when you pull back, you cup his face in your hands and whisper to him, “I know that was very hard to do, but thank you for listening to me and considering my words.”

“It was hard not to when you were shouting them at me.” He grins, “I have to say I’m not used to that. People are usually too scared of me to oppose me, let alone fight me on my decisions.”

“Oh believe me, I was fucking terrified.” You laugh.

“But you still spoke your mind. I thought that I wanted someone like me to rule beside me, but you’re not only strong but brave. You always call me out on my shit even if I terrify you.” He laughs warmly and you bask in the sweetness of it. He has such a melodic laugh. “You’re even more amazing than what I wanted.”

You don’t know what to say. You’re not used to such praise from Taehyun, and it leaves you flustered. So you settle on just showing him how happy you are by kissing him again. You know he’s not a man of many words and you hope he can feel how appreciative you are through this. You think he can, as you feel him smile against your lips.

This time you can’t help but let it turn sensual. It’s been so long since you’ve been touched, and you’ve been getting so needy.

“I want you my lord.” You pull away to whisper seductively.

“I want you too.” He breathes through gritted teeth, jaw clenched as he tries to hold back. “But that can wait until after the wedding.”

Suddenly, all the haze of lust flees from your brain and you step back. “Wedding?” You croak.

“Yes. You’ve more than proven yourself to me. I’m ready to take you as my wife.”

You feel your body breakout in a cold sweat. "So soon?"

"It's not soon. You've been here for months. It is why you're here in the first place, isn’t it?" Taehyun frowns at you in suspicion. He must be puzzled by your strange reaction. You’re puzzled too.

“I suppose.” You gulp. You don’t know why you’re so freaked out over this. This is what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it? To marry a rich and powerful man who would take care of you and respect you, and that’s Taehyun. So why are you having second thoughts now?

You know why. You know perfectly well why, and Taehyun seems to know it too,

“Do you still want him?”

“No…” Your denial sounds pathetic even to your own ears.

“Look, if you want to go back to him, I’m not going to stop you.”

“I don’t–”

“If you don’t want to go back to him but still don’t want to marry me, then I’m not going to force you to go either. You can stay here under my protection and I am sure that I can even arrange a good marriage for you.”

“Wow, that’s romantic.” You mutter to yourself. You honestly don’t expect him to get angry because of it, not when his attitude is so painfully nonchalant.

“I don’t know what you want me to say?” He asks, exasperated. “I’m trying too! I keep making compromises for you, but if you don’t want me then I’m not going to force you to be with me. So just tell me what do you want?”

I want you to love me? I want you to care? What did love get you anyway? Haven't you had enough of being pathetic for one man?

"Do you love me, Taehyun?"

That catches him off guard. He obviously wasn’t expecting this question, and he stares at you blankly. "What does love have to do with it?"

"Nothing." You smile at him bitterly. “Just give me some time to think, will you?”

If this was Beomgyu, he wouldn’t have accepted that. He would’ve insisted on knowing exactly what is going through your mind. He would've tried to wiggle his way into staying. But Taehyun is not Beomgyu. And he doesn’t push for answers you don't readily give.

“Okay.” He concedes, kissing the top of your head. “Have a good night, my lady.”

___________________________________________

A good night is far from what you have. You toss and turn in bed, plagued by a million emotions spurred on by Taehyun’s proposal, until you fall into a restless sleep that gives you no reprieve, only for you to wake up a couple of hours later.

You open your bleary eyes and look out to see the pitch blackness of the night outside. You suppose you’re just having one of the regular midnight disturbances you’ve been experiencing since you came here, and you almost close your eyes again to attempt to go back to sleep when you feel someone’s arms move over your body and their lips kissing along your neck.

You’re still confused from sleep but it feels nice, and your grogginess, coupled with the feeling of their soft lips on the sensitive skin of your neck and their big hands kneading your breasts through your nightgown, leave you heated in no time.

This must be Taehyun. He must've changed his mind. You moan, arching back into him, your ass getting pressed against his hard member.

His hands and mouth falter for a second before he doubles his effort, his hands now groping at your chest roughly and his mouth sucking a bruising kiss into your skin.

“Taehyun!” You gasp when his fingers pull at your nipples. His teeth sink into the crook of your neck, the sharp pain somehow sending a shooting sense of pleasure to your pussy.

“Not Taehyun.” The man behind you growls and you immediately freeze. No. It can’t be…

"B-Beomgyu?" You shudder, your teeth almost clanging together from how terrified you were. How did he manage to get into Taehyun’s fortress-like castle?

“That’s right, princess. I told you I’d come for you. I'll always find you.” He murmurs sweetly into your ear as if he’s oblivious to your current state of terror. “How could you think it was him? Do you let him touch you like this?”

“N-No.” You deny weakly, even though it’s the truth. Taehyun never touched you this way, but maybe the lack of conviction in your answer is due to the guilt in knowing you would’ve let him if he wanted to.

“I don’t believe you. You were so pliant in my hands when you thought I was him and now you’re all rigid. Are you so used to him crawling into your bed that you so readily present yourself to him?” He asks, his hips pointedly driving into your ass that was still arched against him.

“No…”

“So you want me to believe that he didn’t lay a finger on these tits?” He goes back to growling, squeezing your breasts in his hands.

“No.” You repeat with more conviction now.

He hums, sounding a bit placated now, and one of his hands makes its way between your legs, making you inhale sharply as his fingers find your embarrassingly wet pussy. “What about this? Is this for me or for him?” He asks, rubbing your pussy through the soaked fabric of your underwear.

“You, Beomgyu.” You mewl, the small amount of pleasure leaving you overwhelmed after weeks of being deprived of him and not receiving any attention from Taehyun.

“That’s my good princess.” He praises, pushing your underwear to the side and pressing two fingers inside of you at once. You’re still not used to the intrusion as you’ve never had anything inside you apart from that night, but somehow you don’t feel any pain, only a burning sense of pleasure that leaves you feverish as he pumps his fingers in and out of you.

“Beomgyu…ah… p-please.” You pathetically beg, needing more.

“What do you want, princess?”

“I want y-you…inside m-me.” You choke, rutting your ass back into him, trying to get him riled up so he’d take you.

God, you need him. You missed him so much. You’ve been through so much shit in this horrid place. You need a sense of familiarity. You need to feel safe and protected again. You need to feel him around you, inside you. “I need you.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear, princess.” He takes his fingers out of you and you sob. “Shh, dumb baby. I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.”

You hear him hurriedly push his pants down over his cock and grab your top leg up to bend it up, exposing your pussy to him. You feel the head of his cock against your entrance and hold your breath, preparing for the painful stretch as he eases in. With one smooth motion, he slides in, quieting your sobs.

Once again, you marvel at how you feel none of the pain you felt the last time he took you, but you can’t dwell on it for long because he pulls back then snaps his hips forward, fucking the thoughts right out of you brain.

"Does that feel nice, princess?"

“Mhhh.” You barely muster, your every nerve ending burning up. You love how he can make your mind go silent.

"Look at me."

You turn to look at him and your heart skips several beats as his pretty face comes into view. His features are so delicately beautiful. You can't help but kiss him.

Unlike Taehyun, he's insistent, pushing his tongue into your mouth and hungrily exploring it. He only pulls back when you’re both breathless.

"I missed you so much." He professes, the tender words sounding absurd over the lewd sound of sex that fills the room. "He's not giving it to you like you need, is he, baby?"

“No.” You answer in a small voice.

“Of course he’s not. Because you’re not his. You’re mine.” He asserts, his thrusts growing in harshness. "You can't hide from me. I know you miss me. I know you want to come back to me. That’s okay. It’s because you’re mine and you know it. I know what you really want. Isn’t that right, baby?” His hand goes back to your pussy, doubling your pleasure.

You sob. “Yes.”

"Yes. You’re mine. So why the hell are you thinking about marrying him?”

Guilt floods your body and you stutter, “I–I just need–”

“What you need is to come back and let me take care of you. You think he’ll make you happy? No one can make my princess happier than I can. Come back and I’ll never let you go again. You’ll never be able to run away from me again. I’ll make sure of it.” His grip on your thigh turns bruising as he utters those alarming words.

“Wh–what do you mean?” You ask, throat going dry.

“I was wrong in the past. I took you against your will and you hated me for it. I treated you well and you tricked me. Both times I didn’t go far enough. But now I know what I need to do.” He says ominously and your stomach churns. “You think your lord will still want you if you were carrying another man’s child?”

You try to scream but it gets strangled in your throat. You try to squirm away but you can’t move a single muscle. You’re trapped in your own body by a mysterious force and you can do nothing but sit there and take whatever he has to give you.

“You’re being such a good princess. You’re going to make me cum.” He coos softly, but his thrusts turn brutal. You can’t feel your legs as they go numb but your pussy continues to throb with need despite the horrific situation. “Going to make you mine forever. Are you ready?”

Yes.

You shoot up in bed, sweaty and panting. You look around frantically but find no sign of Beomgyu or Taehyun anywhere in your room.

It was a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. So why do you feel this gaping sense of loss at the center of your heart?

Your whole body shivers in a sudden gust of chill and you glance at the window, only to find it closed. You look around your room, finding it still entirely foreign to you. Everything is awash with a chilly gray, the same color of the lord of the castle’s eyes and just as cold.

You can’t stand being in this room anymore. You get up from the bed, feeling the perpetually damp floor beneath your feet before you put your slippers on and hurriedly grab a coat and throw it around your shivering body, clutching it tightly as you pad across the room and out the door.

It’s even colder outside, the wind almost throwing you out of the open arches each time you pass one as you wander around aimlessly, feeling like a specter in an abandoned castle for how empty and desolate it looks at night.

You come to a pause in front of one of the arches, looking out to the sea. It's the exact same sea you’ve loved but it feels so different without Beomgyu. It's cold and dark and unfathomable and it scares you. You wrap your arms around yourself, feeling for the dagger that you now always have hidden under your clothes to make yourself feel just a little bit safer.

But something warm suddenly envelops you–a tune that seems to be coming from somewhere nearby. Curious, you follow it like a moth to flame, hoping to be greeted by a warm glow. It leads you to a room with huge doors that are cracked open. You’ve never seen this room before, and you cautiously peer inside to discover the source of the music, finding Kai playing the harp alone inside.

Awed, you stand there for a bit, just listening and letting the sweet melody soothe your chilled bones. He looks lovely as he plays, his hands moving gracefully over the strings, his concentrated features reflecting the glow of the lantern nearby, making him look like an angel. And you wonder how it is possible that he could ever be related to the stern lord of this castle?

His heavenly features and celestial music pull you in, forming a honey like barrier between you and the cold sea outside, and you find yourself inching your way into the room to get closer to them. But you still keep your cover, opting to just observe him secretly and marvel at the beauty of the music he weaves with the strings. It’s beautiful in a sad way–the way a caged songbird sings, and you stand there listening to the sorrowful elegance of it until it stops.

“That was gorgeous.” You gush, making him jump in shock, so unaware of his surroundings, unlike his older brother. “Oh. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“That’s okay.” He puts a hand to his chest and sighs in relief to see that it’s just you. “And thank you. I didn’t realize you were there. Why are you still up?”

You shrug, moving further into the room to take a seat beside him.

“Can’t sleep?” He prompts and you groan. “No. It’s cold and miserable and I feel like a vengeful sea spirit is gonna murder me in my sleep.” You say looking around and shuddering. Then you look back at him. “No offense.”

He laughs. “None taken. Our home isn’t exactly the plushy palace you’re used to.”

“It isn’t.” You say simply. “I didn’t know you played.”

“Oh, I do. I’ve been playing since I was a kid, actually. It’s a point of contention between me and Taehyun. He wants me quit and focus on practicing sword fighting or archery or whatever but all I want to do is play. He thinks I can just give this up like he did.”

Now that surprises you. “Taehyun used to play?”

“Sure. But more importantly, he used to sing.” He says then laughs at your stunned expression, “Don’t look so surprised. I told you he was a lot more carefree back then…but of course, he stopped because of father.” He adds on sadly, “I haven’t heard him sing in years. He used to sing me to sleep when we were kids. Never slept better." He smiles as he remembers.

You would've never guessed that Taehyun used to sing. You wonder what he sounds like. You wonder if he'll ever sing for you.

Well, if you reject his proposal then you highly doubt he would.

“He asked me to marry him.”

Now it’s Kai’s turn to be shocked. Actually, the flurry of emotions that pass over his face is disorienting and hard to keep track of, but it eventually settles into a cryptic one that so reminds of his brother.

“And what did you say?”

“I said I’ll have to think about it.” You say, trying to get a read on him, and when that fails, you just choose to be direct, “You don’t seem that pleased. I thought you wanted me and Taehyun to be together.”

“I do!” He insists, switching back into the flustered Kai you know so well. “Like I predicted, you’re very good for him. He’s been much better since you arrived…”

“But?” You prompt and he looks away guiltily. “But I’m worried about your prince. I’ve sort of been asking around about him ever since you came here and well, none of what I heard back is reassuring. He seems unstable and pissed off and I worry what he might do to my brother if he were to marry you.”

You don’t say anything. You just sit there quietly and absorb his words. Ever since you came here, you’ve been stressing over Beomgyu and what he might do, especially when he’s not been shy about making threats. But Taehyun has always dismissed your concerns and assured you that he won’t be able to actually do anything. So to hear his brother tell you how scared he is just makes your fears seem real again.

“That’s incredibly selfish of me, isn’t it? I mean, here you are having finally escaped from him but all I can think about is what he might do if you don’t go back.”

“It’s not selfish.” You reassure him, even if his words have hurt you. “He’s your brother. He’s the only family you have left. You have the right to worry about him.”

“But still… he seems to be happy with you. It’s what I wanted, and I need to trust that he can take care of himself and you.” He fiddles with his harp, plucking stray notes here and there. “I’ll get over it, you’ll see. I’ll be the best brother in law anyone has ever had.” He looks up, giving you a half smile, and you give him a small smile back, appreciating the effort he’s putting in for you.

A silence falls over the both of you, and you fall into your thoughts again. You’ve been so worried about yourself and Beomgyu this whole time that you never really considered that Taehyun might be in danger because of you. Even if you decide to marry him, should you? Would Beomgyu really attempt to make good on his promise to kill him?

Beomgyu has never hurt anyone before but who knows what he's capable of. You never thought he'd hurt you either but he did despite claiming he loves you the most in the world. If he's willing to hurt you to have you, would he be willing to kill someone to get you back?

“Do you miss him?” Kai asks, snapping you out of your inner turmoil.

“Who?” You ask, already knowing.

But Kai’s reply is patient. “The prince.”

“Would you look down on me if I said yes?”

"No.” He answers honestly and you breathe a sigh of relief. “You've known him all your life and you've loved him for almost as long. It can't be easy to forget all that."

"It might've been easier if your brother wasn’t so cold with me most of the time."

"He can be hard to love."

You snort. “You can say that again.”

“But he is good at heart. He may be harsh but that’s just because he never wants to lie to you or deceive you.”

“I know and that's all good and well but it's not exactly what a woman looks for in a husband. I wanted someone who would actually love me.” You fiddle with your nails, feeling stupid saying it even to Kai who has been nothing but understanding ever since you’ve met him.

"He cares for you a lot."

"That makes me feel so special." You reply sarcastically.

"It's just hard for him to love after all he’s been through but I think he’s getting there with you. He risked so much for you. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't feel anything for you."

“You're right.” You chew on your lip, seeing the truth in his words. "Then again, knowing how righteous your brother is, he probably would have rescued me anyway."

You both laugh halfheartedly at your joke, but it quickly passes and it becomes silent again.

“I should go. I have a lot to think about.”

“You do. Good luck.” Kai smiles and bids you goodbye.

You walk back to your room in a daze, not really paying attention to where you’re going or anything around you, your mind just swirling with questions that you don’t have an answer for.

Maybe if you had been paying attention, you might’ve noticed the man creeping up on you before he got the chance to grab you. But by the time you realize the dire situation you’re in, he already has one arm around you and a hand clamped over your mouth so you wouldn’t scream.

“I’m so sorry, my lady.” He whispers to you in a low, but familiar voice.

Jaeyun.

______________________________

A/N: God this chapter kicked my ass. Literally was like giving labor. Anyway, what do think of taehyun now that we’ve gotten a better look at his unique brand of fucked upness? What are your thoughts for the future?

Oh and the poem highlighted here was written by the lovely @smuchsmut with some edits from me so if you don’t like something about it that was probably my doing lmao. Thank you so much babe ❤️

#txt smut #beomgyu smut

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mahi-does-some-art · 6 months

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How good are Servamp characters at handling spice?

Mahiru: 10/10, to everyone's shock. He'll buy spicy snacks if he feels like treating himself and more often than not would lean into the spicier options of recipes if they give good flavor to the meal and not just heat. He could eat hellfire, probably. This is a distinct Shirota Family Trait.

Kuro: This is a European vampire born in fuck knows when. He stole one of Mahiru's spicy snacks once without looking at the label and nearly died. 0/10. Mahiru has adjusted his cooking accordingly.

Tetsu: 6/10. Can handle a normal, decent amount of spice! He prefers more cleaner tastes rather than spicy stuff but he has a few snacks he likes to indulge in. If you give him any raw hotter peppers though, he'll suffer.

Hugh: 2/10. Better than his older brother but not by much lmao. This is another old European man and while he was raised with riches and access to a wide variety of foods, he never had the pallet for it. Cannot bite into raw garlic. Hilarious~

Mikuni: 6/10. All of the Alicein's tend to prefer sweets but he can handle spice well! He loves to be a snob about anything he can be knowledgeable about and that includes many different cuisines, some of which happen to be spicy! So even if he didn't like spice too much at first, he'd grow into it. I feel that he'd make it a point to try and heighten his tolerance but had to stop bc his throat started closing up.

Jeje: 3/10. His face gets red very easily and he gets unsightly looking fast. Mikuni laughs at him for it. Also he does not like the scorch even if he doesn't think the flavor is bad. If he wanted any kind of burn, he'd drink alcohol, thank you.

Iduna: 8/10. I think she'd handle spice exceptionally well! She loves any of those fast food items thats whole purpose is to make your mouth feel like its on fire and has a couple times gotten these items for herself and her coworkers when she drew the short straw for who pays for lunches. Watched them all choke. One time she asks for a bite of Mahiru's indulgent spicy food and Mahiru gives her a portion. She was not prepared.

Freya: 5/10. Prefers heartiness to spiciness. She'll just politely push her plate aside if its too spicy for her.

Licht: 5/10. Actually not too bad handling spicy stuff but will curse at anything that makes his nose start running. In shock of Mahiru and Iduna's ability to down things that look like red hell. Prefers sweet.

Lawless: 6/10. Just barely a noticeably higher tolerance than his Eve but will start sweating fast and start to look unkempt if he eats too much spice for too long. Has deliberately raised his tolerance but won't go any farther than he is now.

Niccolo: 4/10. Decent but also Italian foods are not much known for their hotness. Will start crying and his ears will get extremely red-- Honestly its kinda a cute sight aside from his suffering.

Ildio: He couldn't taste anything for the vaaast majority of his life to flavor in general is new to him. His reaction to spice is him being thrown on his ass bc they made the mistake of giving him something not mild first lmaooo. He gradually keeps trying however and he builds up a very good tolerance! Unrelated but the first time Niccolo gave him a lemon, he bit into it like an orange and puckered his face so hard he got cramps. Niccolo has that on video. 7/10.

Misono: 1/10. DO NOT MAKE THIS BOY SUFFER LIKE THAT. He already has it hard enough trying to brave his way through drinking bitter black coffee to look Cool, he'll pass out. Also I wouldn't think it'd be very good with his allergies.

Lily: 2/10. Not a fan and cannot handle it very well. He'll start coughing and his skin will get all sweaty and red and blotchy and he absolutely refuses, thank you.

Tsubaki: 5/10. Normal! But is sensitive to the strong smells so he usually gets something safely below his capabilities if he wants to indulge. Like Tetsu, prefers cleaner tastes.

Bonus!

Tooru: 9/1o! Again, loving spice is a Shirota Family Trait and while his nephew shadows his capabilities, he still puts all of his coworkers and underclassmen to complete fucking shame. It has saved him from his lunches being stolen in the break room.

Touma: Look, he's fucked the Shirotas but does not have their genes. 0/10. He cannot handle spice for shit and was the one who was stealing Tooru's lunches. He learnt the hard way.

Sakuya: 3/10. Ok at spice but has also shared the fate of unknowingly eating the Shirota's food. In his case, he asked Mahiru to share his delicious (as usual) looking lunch during their time in school together. Mahiru warned him that it was a "bit spicy" and Sakuya make the terrible, horrible, no good mistake of brushing that aside while Ryuusei and Koyuki watch on without saying anything, already paying their respects to their poor friend. Needless to say Sakuya is put on the floor. The other two couldn't interrupt. It's a canon event to being one of Mahiru's close friends. He prefers sweet things, actually!

#servamp #mahiru shirota #shirota mahiru #look you are not gonna make me tag all of these characters ok?

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hidingoutbackstage · 2 months

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Okay I’m STILL procrastinating watching s15 bc I’m SCARED so here’s my extremely biased ratings/opinions on the episodes of s14 to help me procrastinate (episodes which are multiple parts of a single story will be condensed into one slot)

Room Zero: SO cute and good, I LOVED the animation style, it was simple and short but really well done with great colors, fun alien designs, and fluid animation, and I just like seeing the guys go on missions like that. It's a shame that the animated show never got picked up bc I would've adored seeing more of it. 10/10

From Stumbled Beginnings: Very cute and funny origin story for Simmons and Grif, and I love that they were p much always together since they enlisted lmao makes their dynamic rlly good and the humor actually got a couple laughs out of me. 8/10

Fifty Shades of Red: Sarge's humor never quite landed with me like is has for some people (my boyfriend lmao I literally have to pause episodes sometimes so he can stop laughing. Anyway) but it was a very humorous and in character origin for him as well. 5/10

Why They’re Here: Less interesting than the previous two, obviously just meant to fill in plot "holes" and to also show us the origins of the other characters. Also I am completely ignoring that one line from Tucker in the interview, just gonna chalk it up to the "edgy" humor it does not exist to me. 4/10

The Brick Gulch Chronicles: WONDERFUL stop motion, very fun and cute and entertaining, very wholesome and still in the vibe with what the show itself is. I appreciate the willingness to do stop motion for most of it. 10/10

Red Army Unit FH57’s Adventure: It was kinda interesting and kinda funny but I found myself kinda tuning it out cuz it just felt kinda whatever. The combo of the different animation styles was cool though and I thought the ship misunderstanding them was funny. 5/10

Locus and Felix: Okay I'm gonna be a black sheep for a second and say that I rlly don't care that much about Locus and Felix. I don't think Felix is a secretly deep sadboi whom I'm gonna spend an unnecessary amount of time thinking about, I don't think Locus as secretly good all along, and I don't care that much about their partnership and what they were like before Chorus. That being said, the animation here is absolutely gorgeous, this is probably my favorite animated story in the whole season, it looks awesome. The plot is nothing special but who cares like I said it's beautiful, 6/10

Fight the Good Fight!: VERY funny and well-executed propaganda video, short and sweet and nothing more to it. It does its job. 5/10

Meta vs. Carolina: Dawn of Awesome: Another one I really don't care for because literally everything leading UP to the fight between Meta and Carolina is a waste of time. Maybe some people really care about their weapons and stats, but I don't. And even then, you kinda know Carolina is gonna win the fight, the question is just how. 4/10

Grey vs. Gray: I don't know or care about the Game Grumps and the entire thing felt like a short gag that went on for way too long with a predictable ending. 2/10

Caboose's Guide to Making Friends: Again, ADORABLE art style and very cute having a story be told from Caboose's perspective. 7/10

Head Cannon: Kinda funny I guess. I wish we'd gotten it spread out more equally among the heads Omega jumped into. Ik he didn't spend equal time in there but who cares. Whatever, still funny. 5/10

Get Bent: I LAUGHED PROBABLY THE HARDEST AT THIS ONE AND THAT'S MOSTLY BC OF LESBIAN DONUT IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD AND IT WAS HILARIOUS (also hello, bisexual church?) 9/10

Red vs. Blue: The Musical: it was fine. it was creative. The dancing was well animated. Enjoyable. 5/10

Mr. Red vs. Mr. Blue: I haven't seen Reservoir Dogs but Kaikaina was in this which automatically boosts it to a 8/10 (I also like that they have movie nights it's cute)

RvB Throwdown: Fine but mostly forgettable. 3/10

The Triplets Story: REALLY interesting concept (y'all know I love the freelancers) that felt like it dragged on too long and only gave Ohio something to do. 4/10

Immersion: The Warthog Flip: I loved the costumes and the actual Warthog and it got a couple laughs out of me. 5/10

Red vs. Blue vs. Rooster Teeth: This was made for the fans/themselves. As someone who is neither, none of it was funny and I just kinda waited for it to be over. At least the animation of the armor irl looked rlly good

#sid rants #sid watches #rvb

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hotwaterandmilk · 11 months

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Quick Update

Going to do a very quick point form summary of a few things...

I am changing jobs; a more fulfilling and accommodating position at lower pay. So I'll be splurging far less often on collection-related stuff (not that I was earning a huge amount before, but y'know, wafer thin spending budget now).

I appreciate the suggestions re: patreon/ko-fi/donations/etc. However, I'm just sharing edited scans of things that I own. I'm not the origianl artist or creator so I don't believe in generating profit from the content I post here. All I want to do is share images of the things I love with like-minded people in the hopes that you'll find more things to enjoy too; it's my hobby, not my career.

I really want to work on my Wedding Peach site again when I have time. It is in dire need of an update, I know, but I still haven't found a new host nor the drive needed to work on more of the written side of things. Somedayyyy.

If you like what I share on here, please like and reblog the things you enjoy. My visibility has taken a massive hit thanks to that unprovoked shadow ban and while I'm never going to be all LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE since this is Tumblr (LOL LMAO) and lord knows I'm not about clout or reach, but it would be great to get a boost now that I've dragged myself back from the shadow realm. 🙏 Much appreciated & I'm trying to do more reblogging when I have the chance too.

I've got a lot of random Hanayume stuff I'll share since I've been padding out my Onitabe collection (I can't say no to the cuteness). If they're series I'm not hugely invested in, please forgive me but when I post their images I won't be tagging character names. I started out tagging character names for my fave series and it has kind of gotten out of hand now. No shade to these series, I'm just short on time and energy so thank you for understanding.

Yes, I was fortunate enough to get one of those Kaleido Star soundtracks that was recently listed again via Amazon JP. Sorry if that wasn't clear in my last post, it was hectic updating that thing! I'll post about it when my copy arrives.

That's about it, thank you for your support and I look forward to sharing more things on here with all of you.

#personal #sorry can't word good right now #i've also been having a lot of pain issues lately #probably should have mentioned that too #anyway i know you're here for the scans and not my crap #but i figured an update would be useful

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necrophcge · 11 days

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NAME:

Lee

PRONOUNS:

he/him

MOST ACTIVE MUSE(S)?

// Meddles here is technically my most active, but I'm doing stuff behind the scenes for my lads Brom ( @of-forossa ), and Samuel Whist ( @fishermcn ) so I'll add them here too lmao.

RP PET PEEVES?

// Ah hell man, probably a lack of progression when it comes to replies? When I'm writing a thread with someone, I do what I can to make sure they have enough from my own to continue the story we're telling together. So getting a reply in return that doesn't move things forward puts me in kind of a bind y'know? Matching or similar length comes with that as well, though I don't expect folks to match me word for word so much as giving as good as they've gotten!

Communication is also key! I know that it can be uncomfortable or a bit daunting to try to chat with folks you haven't gotten to know all that well, but with threads being something we create together we really should be on the same page. Even just a little update or the like is preferable to total radio silence rofl.

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS?

// Shoot, it's probably been about twelve, maybe thirteen years now? Been on here the whole time and have bounced around to a few different fandoms before more or less settling down into the soulsborne community.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT?

// I'm definitely an angst kinda guy, though usually in the sense that things are going down or conflict is brewing rather than interpersonal drama. I live for fight-writing and the tension that comes with lives being on the line. Fluff is usually reserved for one and done replies rather than threads because I feel it's more impactful thst way, while smut is... well. I'm getting better at it, but it's definitely my weakest writing of the bunch. That, and I admittedly can get a bit nervous posting it out here in the wild for everyone to see (////-\\\\)

PLOTS OR MEMES?

// Both! Plots and plotting are my preferred go-to for our muses to get to know each other and establish what their relationship will be like going ahead, while with memes I'll usually go ham on a single reply with the intent of further fleshing out what we've pieced together for our muses.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES?

// If you've known me on my other blogs you already know I tend to get long winded XD. Short replies never feel like I've said enough honestly, and by taking the time to get in depth with them I reckon it opens the door wider for potential interactions (memes) or it gives the other person more room to reply with (threads). Least amount I'll do is around two to three paragraphs.

TIME TO WRITE?

// I'd love to tell you folks that I'm a responsible, orderly guy who keeps a good sleep schedule and has a set time for writing. Unfortunately I'm little more than an animal who's as likely to bump out an ask or reply at 4:00 in the morning as I am to post something mid-afternoon. Ideally though... I prefer the evenings for it. More privacy, more time to gather my thoughts and less demands for me personally to have to address.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S)?

// I'm a firm believer in the notion that muns typically have something either in common with or identify strongly with their muses in some form or another, and I'm no exception. Meddles might be a conqueror, cruel and malicious, but struggling against a seemingly impossible task and not wanting to be alone in this world... yeah. Yeah, I can relate to that. It helps me put myself in their shoes and understand them better if there's something about them I identify with.

tagged by: @ferinehuntress (much obliged panda :D)

tagging: @yellowfingcr, @hexenjagd, @bcwblade, @rotten-pest, @izar-tarazed, and you!

#ooc tag.#// not me shamelessly plugging all the lads lmao #// but yeah! this was fun; good way of putting to words some of my processes ^^

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waheelawhisperer · 11 months

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Slogged through V9E6, thoughts are under the cut

As always, I am worried that Jaune’s arrival means he’s going to start sucking focus away from the other characters again. Here’s hoping the writers remember he’s best used as a supporting character.

Jaune why did you grab the weird thing that looks like a clock what did you think was going to happen

Don't touch weird shit you idiot it's like rule #1

I hate the Ever After so much

So did he just sit there for years until he got DILFed? Lmao.

I'm sure this change will have long-lasting ramifications for both Jaune's characterization and the narrative as a whole.

Well, this was a wonderful, touching moment until it was immediately ruined by Weiss’s daddy kink

Like seriously who the fuck thought it was a good idea to have Jaune admit that he’d gone through a horribly traumatic experience and been incredibly lonely for what’s indicated to be literally decades based on his physical changes and then have Weiss immediately start thirsting for him like we literally see his eyes watering and then not seven seconds later Weiss is looking at him with do-me eyes

These writers genuinely have zero understanding of tone or how to set and maintain it effectively it’s amazing it's like they watched the MCU and the only lesson they took away from it was that every moment that might possibly have any kind of emotional impact needs to be undermined by a snappy quip as quickly as possible because otherwise someone might make the mistake of assuming your show is sincere about anything

Anyway girliepop’s showing her whole ass right now way to keep your fetish under wraps Weiss

Yang’s looking at her like “I know what you are”

Nice try Yang like I didn’t see you eyeing up Jaune too feast on the crumbs my fellow pan Yang truthers

Miles is genuinely never beating the “Jaune is a self-insert” allegations holy shit

Like if you want people to believe that the character you voice, who's received a disproportionate amount of narrative focus throughout the series already and has received repeated criticism for it, who's already been presented as attractive on at least one occasion, isn't a self-insert, maybe don't have one of the mains openly thirsting after him once you've written an excuse for him to be aged up so that he's both closer to your age and significantly older than she is after you've already posed for a picture with a body pillow of an underage girl from the show you write for and your coworker has posted that picture online with the caption "She's still only 16, don't get too comfortable". Like maybe consider the optics for 5 seconds. It'd be 5 seconds longer than you typically think through your writing choices, at any rate.

Wow, finally someone is engaging with the fall of Atlas, Team RWBY’s part in it, and the ramifications of both the previous things. Only took half the fucking Volume.

I actually like the pretty distinct perspectives and the conflict between Weiss and Blow. Weiss is the one who has the most reason to be attached with Atlas and Blow has the most reason to feel negatively about that Kingdom, so having them be the ones arguing here is a good choice.

Yeah, Weiss, you did fail, but it wasn’t just you. Most of the blame rests on the shoulders of Ironwood and these dumbass fucking writers.

That said, you guys didn’t exactly pass your trials with flying colors.

Good point, Ruby.

Yang is the first one to engage with Ruby’s distress again, even if she’s not exactly on the money here either in terms of her actual position on Ironwood or how to help Ruby.

I feel like this is one of the few moments of actual substance we've gotten this Volume and I really wish we'd spent more time digging into it. Unfortunately, He-Jaune, Master of the Universe, cuts it short. Not a fan of that choice unless we pick this up again at a later date.

He-Man’s a little bit of a jerk. Interesting. I kinda want to see where this goes.

He also doesn’t seem to like the Cat. He gets points for that.

He-Man, Master of the Jauniverse, does not want them going to the Tree. Given what apparently happened to the Herbalist, this implies something sinister about the Tree and Ascension.

You read my mind, Weiss.

Jaune has a very different perspective on Ascension than the Cat. On the one hand, the Cat is a denizen of the Ever After and probably knows more about how it works than Jaune does. On the other hand, Jaune is far more inherently trustworthy as a character we’ve known for 8+ Volumes, whereas the Cat is sinister as fuck. They've been creeping me out since their introduction.

Once again, Ascension is equated with death – you lose your memories, lose who you are. Whatever you used to be is gone.

Good pun, Yang.

Who the fuck is Lewis?

Oh, wonderful, Alyx had a brother. An irrelevant character had another irrelevant character to hang out with. Can we please stop expanding the cast?

Go off, Weiss (and Yang)

What the fuck did the Cat just do

I love you Weiss. There really is just no end to the Ever After’s bullshit, is there?

Where the hell are Blow and Yang?

You walked right into that one, Weiss.

Love how He-Man’s just done with everything. I am too, buddy, I am too.

Here it comes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Maybe we’ll get something decent out of this Volume after all.

YOU GUYS CAN LITERALLY DOUBLE JUMP WHY DOES EVERY SCENE IN THIS VOLUME THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE COMBAT INSIST ON FORGETTING THAT THE CHARACTERS HAVE MOBILITY TOOLS

I could cross that shit and I don’t even have superpowers

You have perfectly good ropes right there

Yes I get that it’s a metaphor for taking the next step in their relationship blah blah blah but the metaphor is shit

This Volume really likes presenting challenges as insurmountable when Team RWBY has regularly handled far more difficult ones it keeps breaking my willing suspension of disbelief

I'm normally pretty willing to buy into what a show is going for but I just can't do it for this Volume

Was that Summer in the reflection?

Looks like the reflections show everyone’s issues – Summer for Ruby, Penny for Jaune, Atlas for Weiss

Oh, so Alyx was a little shitter, huh? I’m sure there’s nothing negative about the choice to portray a (female) character of color this way, especially in a show known for being racist produced by a company known for being racist.

Okay yeah Jaune you probably fucked up here trying to railroad her into the book’s storyline. Somebody’s never played D&D before and it shows

Poor guy’s really hurting though, can’t blame him for feeling like a failure

I’d like the show to unpack all this but I don’t even trust it to handle Team RWBY’s issues (or even address them in a meaningful way) so we’ll see

I feel like we have to take everything Jaune says about the Cat and the Tree and the Ever After with a grain of salt, but the Cat is genuinely creepy as shit, so I feel like there’s some validity to this, at least.

So Jaune thinks the Cat fed Lewis to the Tree. Is he right? Who the fuck knows?

But it does set up some sinister implications about the Tree, the Cat, and the nature of the Ever After. If the Tree’s not an option, how does the gang get home?

I get the feeling that Jaune is at least partially wrong about how the Tree works, but what he's saying makes sense based on what he knows.

Yang you fucking dork

Anyway if Blow has a really good brain it’d be nice to see more examples of it beyond “she’s the bookworm”, I’m sure setting her own house on fire was a great demonstration of intelligence. I feel like this is another indication that I’m right when I say that RWBY would’ve really benefited from another Beacon Volume to really build the relationships between the core cast that the show tries to convince us exist.

Also, Yang is smart even if Blow makes her brain turn to mush. She seems to have figured out the trick here. She sounds so sweet and sincere when she mentions liking Blow’s ears, though I feel like this is another instance where the show isn’t taking Blow’s status as a minority seriously, what with the potential elements of fetishization here. Still, I’ll try to go with the writing’s intent here.

Honestly it probably wouldn’t even bother me if this Volume hadn’t insisted on continually comparing Blow to a cat

You did, in fact, nail it, Yang. Such a fucking dork I love her

Okay, Blow, maybe you do have a really good brain after all. Again, would’ve been nice to establish this a bit earlier, but oh well.

Yang you fucking dork lmao

Damn, Blake went hard here. Yang went with the surface-level stuff and was probably expecting the same in return and Blake just started pouring her heart out. I love the way Yang’s eyes and face just softened the moment Blake said she was an extraordinary person. Girlie was not expecting that at all.

“I like that you’ve never been intimidated by me” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yang she fucking flinches like a dog expecting to be beaten every time you raise your voice around her she’s the only one in your friend group who’s ever been intimidated by you even Jaune is fine around you and that boy’s afraid of his own shadow

Jk I lied the other abuse victim on your team also has negative reactions when you act aggressive

Anyway I guess we know why we got that line about Yang not being scary (even though she could be if she wants to) back in Episode 1.

Yang how are you missing with every line Blow gave up on Adam and the White Fang and that was a good thing because it let her escape his abuse hello?

Oh and she sure as hell gave up on Qrow and Ironwood when Qrow crawled into a bottle and Ironwood decided to raise Atlas, and she was literally the only person on her team who didn’t believe in Yang’s innocence when Cinder framed Yang during the Vytal Festival (guess who was ride or die for Yang in that moment? I'll give you a hint: her name starts with a W), and she ran away from her entire team when Weiss was racist for two episodes. Finding her was the whole fucking plot of the V1 finale. Like I’m not even arguing that she was wrong or unjustified for any of that but if you want her to be the one who never gives up on anyone then maybe fucking show her never giving up on anyone

Does Blake really know what matters to her, Yang? It sure as hell wasn’t Faunus rights during the Atlas Volumes.

That fucking lighting lmao

Just spit it out you idiots lets get this over with my expectations are dropping with every line

God Yang is such a fucking dork I genuinely love this for her it would’ve been so easy to make her the cocky flirty one all the time and they didn’t

For all my frustrations with this show I do genuinely like that.

I like how Yang hesitated a bit and didn’t quite commit but Blake went full-bore.

Oh my God it’s so sappy and cheesy and romantic

I can understand why people love it even if for me it crosses the line to narm like honestly this scene just feels ridiculous but that's just a personal taste thing, it feels too over-the-top for me but there's some charm to it as well

I feel a little bad for the Cat but honestly they strike me as manipulative more than anything

Every scene just gives me bad vibes

Damn, they were makin out, hands changed positions and everything

Nice little leg pop Blow

You and the fandom both, Jaune.

Kinda wonder when you figured it out though because you were not picking up on it in Volume 8 ("Ruby?" "Yeah... Ruby.")

Good to know the Bees thought confessing their feelings was more important than getting home or stopping Salem. I like both characters less every time they treat the Ever After as a vacation.

The little hand touch is cute though.

Okay, Ruby is not reacting well to the return of Crimson Rose, probably because it represents the burden of being a leader and a Huntress.

She's pushing her insecurities down again. That's gonna burst out sooner or later.

Jaune thinks Alyx traded Lewis to the Tree in order to leave. My guess is that either Jaune or Ruby tries to trade themselves to the Tree so the others can go home.

Damn, Ruby’s rejecting Crescent Rose pretty emphatically there.

Music is still forgettable I don’t think there’s been a single song that I’ve remembered a not of when it’s not actually playing for 6 whole episodes

Miles gave a solid performance here and so did whoever voices the Cat.

Okay, so, here it is: the scene we’ve all been waiting for since Volume 2 at the latest. The Bees are an item now, and it’s really obvious that it meant a lot to CRWBY. They put a lot of love into that scene, and it shows. Visually, it’s gorgeous, the voice actresses clearly put their hearts and souls into it, the music is meant to scream romance...

Unfortunately, I don’t like it. Perhaps this is just a nitpick on my end because I’m a stubborn ornery cantankerous bastard who hates being told what to do, but this confession doesn’t feel organic. It feels like they were forced into it by outside factors (the stupid fucking punderstorm that wouldn’t let them leave until they told each other their feelings. If I'd been in their place, I would've sat my stubborn Texan ass down and told that fucking weather condition that it could let me out right now or move along on its own time, but I'm staying right here until it does. Ain't no fuckin rain clouds gonna tell me what to do).

I don’t like that in and of itself, but it gets worse when you consider that both characters are A) queer and B) were only coded and not explicitly confirmed as queer within the show prior to this scene. It feels like two queer characters are being forced out of the closet, which would be bad enough on its own, but gets infinitely worse when the company behind the show named itself after a homophobic slur and then built a company culture around bullying and bigotry and the lead writer on the show has been openly biphobic and fetishized bi women in the past. Good job, morons, you managed to take a ship I’ve supported since the characters involved met in the Emerald Forest and make it feel gross to me. Between this and Blake’s jokes about Yang’s arm in Episode 2, I’m officially not a Bumbleby shipper anymore. You’ve fumbled the bag that badly. Please never hold a job in any creative industry again.

Overall rating: Horrendously Bad And Specifically Disappointing On Top Of That/10

Amazed that I can't definitively declare this a bottom three episode of the Volume because 3 of the 5 others I've watched so far were also this fucking bad. Truly an accomplishment.

Everything that wasn't Weiss's thirst for DILFs and the Bumbleby confession was okay (not amazing), but the writers fucked up so badly with the parts that sucked that they accomplished something incredible: they executed a scene I've been waiting for for ages so incompetently that I don't ship Bumbleby anymore.

#this entire volume has really been a masterclass on how not to write a story #I would be ashamed to put this on my resume if I had worked on it #rwby #bumbleby

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nhasablogg · 4 months

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My goals for this blog in 2024

'Tis the season of overanalyzing everything about your life! So naturally I've been thinking a lot about the different spaces I occupy, such as this one, and decided I need to be a bit more intentional with how I spend my time online and offline. I'm trying not to overdo it though. Sometimes you also just have to exist.

Be transparent when I want attention. This makes it sound as if we're in a relationship LMAO, but honestly, a lot of the time I will pop in here with a random post, or a request for prompts, and it will be more a cry for attention than the actual need for prompts (although not always). Prompt + filling of prompt = validation and love and attention. But usually that won't be enough because I'm not always in the mood to write, or I'll write something short and not very good, and then I won't get the attention I was craving and I will get sad. Also not every fic will be a hit anyway. It's a fickle thing to base my emotions around. SO. Solution for this is to just tell you when I want attention, because that way I won't feel annoying and bad about myself afterward. Obviously this might not result in attention whatsoever, and also why is it your job to give it to me anyway, but that way I won't feel as desperate as much as I will at the very least feel authentic about my neediness. I am human. Sometimes I need things and have no idea who to turn to. I often turn to social media. It happens. I just want to be more honest about it next year. Maybe as a sort of therapy.

Kind of related. I want to be a bit more intentional with the fics I post. I've gotten better at leaving fics be if they're not working, rather than trying to finish every single project, but I want to let them take their time and not post fics just to post them if I'm not happy with them. That doesn't mean I can't post shorter, sillier fics I had fun working on even if they're not masterpieces. My enjoyment is just as important as the final product.

I'd also like to write more long, intricate fics, kind of like my Criminal Minds case fics. It's fun to challenge myself, as longer fanfic writing isn't my forte.

Figure out if I want prompts to mostly be open or not. I keep opening and closing them, mostly because I sometimes get in the opposite mood of wanting attention and get overwhelmed and don't want people to "demand" things from me (I know they're not demands, but you know how your brain sometimes gets). But I feel like the best prompts are the ones people will send really randomly because they suddenly got an idea. But maybe, if I stop making those "send me prompts!!!" type of posts I won't get overwhelmed by the amount of them. Does anyone have any input on this?

Stop thinking I need to do certain things to be a part of the community. I keep thinking that I should maybe interact with other people's fics more, or try to be a part of the community in ways I used to when I was younger, but the truth is that I'm not a fanfiction reader at this stage of my life, and rather than lamenting that I need to just accept it. Maybe that makes me a hypocrit, but I don't believe in forcing things like that. Maybe once I stop pressuring myself it will come naturally instead, but if not I need to just be okay with the fact that I'm mostly here for my own fics. Maybe that's selfish, but it's the truth. I have enough problems in my real life to create new ones for myself here.

Stop trying to restore the old blog. It's gone. I was the one to delete it, and with that a lot of followers who never returned, and everything I did on there. It's fun getting to give advice, but people don't turn to me for them like they did back in the day and that's okay. I'm not who I was back then. I don't have the same amount of time. Instead of trying to bring back traces of the old blog I just want to focus on what I want to do with this one, in the moment and in the future. This community has changed anyway. It's time I accept that. (this does not include my Throwback Project, which I will be doing as a way to honor the past rather than try to bring it back)

Do you have any goals? Did any of this make sense? Am I overanalyzing things TOO much? Let me know your thoughts if you have any!

#text #2024 goals

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hhighkey · 2 years

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AN// for @dris-stuff <3

Kamado Tanjiro Headcanons

ENEMIES TO LOVERS

the sweetest boy but y’all have a rocky start

you’re a tsuguko under flame hashira rengoku

you may not have the same mentality that rengoku is able to on a daily basis

but you’ll follow him in staying outside of the debate about tanjiro once master accepts him

on the inside though- you’re furious

he broke demon slayer code!

you felt for him and his sister, it sucks but the fact is he’s keeping a demon alive

and tanjiro knows how you feel too the day you displayed disgust in passing at the butterfly mansion

he won’t like anyone who shows disdain towards nezuko

so as excited as he is to work under rengoku, he doesn’t want to see you

fast forward to mugen train uh oh

neither of you are happy to see each other, rengoku didn’t tell you those three idiots were coming

but your opinions are soon changed

after y’all are woken up from the dreams you awake to nezuko looking you dead in the eyes

you realize you’re under attack

you end up working with nezuko and zenitsu to protect the people on board you don’t know where everyone else is

in such a short amount of time you’ve done a 360 about nezuko and you completely understand why tanjiro fights for her

you admire him

oh you want to just apologize to him

akaza happens

fuck him i legit hate him so much

but you’re a wreck as rengoku tells his final words to you and tanjiro, you’re sobbing

you can’t do this without him! you’re not ready to be a hashira yet!

you would not leave his body

tanjiro with the help of kakushi had to drag you away as you screamed, a sobbing mess

it’s heart wrenching

but tanjiro just holds you, through all the pain he’s in to try to comfort you

you’re inconsolable for days

laying up in bed in the butterfly mansion

your life feels over

but you look over to see tanjiro with nezuko, the tiny demon girl fussing over her brother with tiny grunts

you’re jealous of that

and like it’s sensed, he gives you the largest grin he can muster

“i’m sorry,”

is all you say

“i understand now why you’re doing this. if you’d let me help…”

tanjiro accepts immediately

he’s thankful you don’t hate him or nezuko because he always found you pretty lmao

whilst you recover you train and tanjiro and gang as you’ve taken over title of flame hashira

and oh boy you and tanjiro are inseparable

you’re each other’s shadows in a way

he brings you food jokingly feeds you

the biggest emotional support as you two work together to remember and grieve over rengoku

he helps you gain the confidence that you can do this. you can be a hashira and carry on in his remembrance

he has the kindest smile and it always makes you smile as well

he’ll play with your fingers as you lay out watching the night sky

he’ll ask about any scars you have and how you got them

but there’s one last thing

kyojuro’s brother and father

you two go together

que the angst; the fighting. sad senjuro

senjuro loves you and you can tell he’s hurting

the way tanjiro stands up for kyojuro and you warms your heart

you’re mad when he goes to the entertainment district

jealous?

you feel anxious with him leaving you know what goes down in that district

it felt like you hadn’t seen him in years before he comes back, you were so impatient passing the days training and spending time with senjuro

and he got absolutely fucked up too

you’re not even sure if inosuke is actually alive oh my

you heard about tengen and his retirement and you’re so happy for him and the wives

but tanjiro is back!

he’s in bad shape but he lights up when he sees you

you never leave his side as he recovers, making sure he has his meds, foods, bandages changed

you listen to every detail of his mission

it’s actually the funniest thing ever they pretended to be girls how tf did they fool anyone

but it’s so evident how strong he’s gotten and it’s absolutely amazing

he’ll be at the top in no time you’re sure

but you are worried. worried about nezuko and him and the future as he tells you about everything nezuko did

but one day he grabs your hand-

“i thought about you every day while i was there. i think for a long time i didn’t think i had a chance at finding people i would love again or consider family, or i was nervous i’d lose them like my family. it’s why i can’t lose nezuko. but i realized i don’t know what i’d do if i lost you either,”

that’s all he had to say

you’re pressing your lips to his before he even knows what’s going on

y’all are together from that day on

tanjiro is such a kind boyfriend

i feel like he’s definitely an acts of service or quality time guy

he likes being in your presence even if it’s you guys dying training

you guys are cute, nervous little love birds around each other

blushing when your hands touch

quick pecks then running away

zenitsu practically lectures him how he needs to be more confident with such a beautiful girl

but you wouldn’t change anything

you like that he’s gentle- it’s endearing

there’s lots of late night talks, serious talks where you just hold each other

his kisses are always slow snd sensual, softly rubbing your back as your lips move together

he’s SO respectful of you too

always gives you space if you’re changing

probably let’s you win in training even though everyone knows you’ll win anyways

definitely protective though

he’s lost so many people already he can’t lose you even though you’re capable but so was rengoku and he’s gone now

he will take hits for you, pushing you out of the way to take the brunt of it

definitely doesn’t like if you have solo missions he always wants to go

waits patiently at your estate for you to come home

panics if he hears you’ve been injured

he gets so sad going on and on about how he should’ve been there to protect you

will want to hold your hand as much as possible so he knows you’re there with him, you aren’t going anywhere

holds you so tight when y’all sleep or cuddle, wants to feel your warmth and know you’re close

y’all feel dumb for ever hating each other at one point

nsfw

kk so i’ve never rly considered tanjiro in an nsfw way so imma do my best

there is def nothing going on when y’all have beef with eachother. you guys would really just glare at each other

and it isn’t until a few months after the entertainment district and you guys have gotten together do y’all even consider

i think you guys are just young and don’t realize with how busy you are

it takes him getting a little jealous with the attention your giving inosuke one night to do something about it

he’s quiet on the way back to your estate

you know somethings up

he makes a move when y’all have gotten ready for bed and nezuko is sound asleep in the spare room she claimed as her own one day

pins you to the bathroom sink after you washed your face, kissing you hard

he’s needy when y’all fuck

definitely a switch i think

likes when you take control on top

but loves staring into your eyes as his cock fills you up, whispering sweet nothings into your ear

definitely a moaner

loves whispering ‘i love you’s’ as y’all kiss

you love taking care of him after a job

and he loves watching you on your knees as you take his length, tangling his hands in your hair to help guide you as his heads thrown back

will always take care of you

boy knows all your spots

knows exactly how to make you come

he def comes on your stomach or back depending on the position, y’all aren’t risking kids yet

after missions- slow sensual love making

other times- def y’all fucking for hours

hmm why do i see semi public sex as a thing- like in the bathroom at the butterfly estate after getting wounds patched up

and y’all definitely still have sex even if zenitsu and inosuke are in the other room

loves keeping you quiet with his hands

overall y’all have such a fun and sweet sex life, tons of communication

#awww pls he’s so cute #i’ve never written for tanjiro before #tanjiro kamado #tanjiro fluff #tanjiro headcanons #tanjiro fanfic #demon slayer headcanons #demon slayer #rengoku kyojuro #zenitsu #inosuke hashibira #uzui tengen

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differenteagletragedy · 5 months

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taylor swift mc anon back again! i def plan on making playlists for the boys! i just haven’t gotten around to doing it yet, BUT my gosh, Baxter is SO taylor swift coded! the amount of songs i have written down for Baxter is double the amount of derek or cove!

i have a few i’ve been flipping back and forth on where to put them (mirrorball, willow, tolerate it, ivy, long story short) cause they definitely can fit the boys i’m just not sure which one(s) and im slowly working my way through all her albums to make sure i don’t miss a song, LMAO!

anyway, i’d love to see what hcs you’d have for taylor-coded mc and baxter, now having been back together for a bit! i think itd definitely be interesting/amusing if mc straight up told baxter one of their albums was literally Just about him. i think he’d also melt if they wrote him a song Just for him and never published it officially anywhere so it’s just something they have together!

Never leave me, Taylor Swift MC anon! And I know, they are ALL so Baxter! One thing I like to do is imagine that this kind of MC is super creative and includes real life experiences as well as pretend scenarios in their songs, that way more can fit. Like "Paper Rings" could be SUCH a Cove song, except those first few lines. "betty" is a good one for this too! I do like "Everything Has Changed" for Derek, and also that way he has freckles!

But ok lol:

-- I think some of MC's songs about Baxter would be obvious, and others not so much. Like there would be some songs that he'd be like "... is this one me?" but others, like an "All Too Well" lol, where he'd be like "oh that's very specific."

-- When they get back together though, he takes it all in stride because he knows he deserves it.

-- At first I think those sad songs would be tough for him to hear, but over time he'd be more able to make fun of himself for what a douchebag he was (love you Baxter).

-- But if MC has songs "from the vault" that they release he's going to get nervous.

-- He loves it all regardless though, MC is so talented and pretty and even if they're singing about how he broke their heart years ago he'll be like "yes, this one is mine."

-- Love love MC having a private love song just for him, but what if they also have a really intense breakup song that they never recorded, just played live a few times?

-- Oh no, MC's fans being little sleuths and finding out about their history with Baxter? He can take it still, I think, but ouch.

-- But what if a couple of his clients pick out an MC song written about him for their first dance? He'd be so smug and happy :)

#our life beginnings and always #baxter ward

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day0walkersdrafts · 1 year

Text

Happy 2 month anniversary Xavier and Benji LMAO

There is a stain on the button up he has on—just a little dark circle near the collar, next to the second button from the top. Like an oil mark that wont go away no matter how many times he’s taken water and soap to it. Actually, staring at himself in the mirror of their bedroom, he thinks that just made it worse. No, it definitely made it worse because it’s so hyper noticeable now—had it been this noticeable before? And where had the stain come from? He’d worn this shirt exactly once and that was for dinner at Benji’s mom’s house. And he was usually extra careful eating at their house, because he used his hands like everyone else, which was hard to get used to, but he was usually really careful—

But the stain was there.

Xavier yanks the shirt off, not bothering with the buttons, throwing it onto the bed in anxious frustration. It was a stupid shirt anyway, especially because Benji would probably know something was up the second he saw Xavier in a button up. He turns back to the mirror, slowly pulls the white undershirt off as well and it joins the black dress shirt behind him.

He pulls in a big breath and lets himself sigh out. There’s a good reason to dress up—you do, for events, he figures. Occasions. He had for that night at Benji’s parents house because it had been the first time he was there with the whole family and he tried to look nice for them. Ended the entire affair feeling like he never would have to try and impress them like that again; they had that vibe. That, come as you are vibe that felt so special. So wholly, immediately welcomed.

But, when you propose, things are supposed to be momentous. You wear a nice dress shirt for that, don’t you?

Xavier continues to stare at himself in the mirror, with a hand to his chest because that line of thinking is making it hard to breathe. Sometimes, he feels unused to this version of himself, even if its been him for the last few years. Living with Benji has resulted in not entirely unwelcome changes; his hair has gotten longer. He keeps the sides cut short because he doesn’t like when it falls over his ears, so it’s wolfish—almost a mullet that Benji’s mom tuts over every time she sees him. Saha approves, that’s what makes him keep it. And he’s gained weight. A noticeable amount of weight that he did not notice until he looked in this exact mirror one day and pinched his side.

I like handles, Benji had joked, dipping his head to kiss Xavier’s ribs and pat his new found layer of insulation softly.

For some reason, it makes him wander back to his side of the bed, which is always neater than Benji’s. The picture is there, because he doesn’t want to frame it. Doesn’t feel like one you frame; it’s faded too because now its actually old. Now it’s really a picture of the past. He takes it and walks back to the mirror. Xavier holds it up and looks at himself and then the version of his twenty-three year old self in the photo with the extraction unit.

The Xavier in the photo is thin and undeniably young. He recalls not even needing to shave much back then. His smile is huge and toothy, but it’s glinted. Even then, it’d been touched by—something. An undercurrent of anxiety, a constant nervous thrum of violence that never went away. Even in this picture, of him and the Sergeant he had loved like a second father, Xavier looks like he is on the verge of collapsing. He glances up to himself in the mirror.

This Xavier eats home cooked meals almost every night. This one works out for fun and when he wants to, and it’s mostly to feel the satisfying ache and not to prep himself for violence. This Xavier hasn’t known violence in years—except for occasionally wrenching out a car battery and cutting his hand and howling and kicking a car tire while his coworkers laugh at him. This Xavier is not called Baby by anyone.

He swallows because his throat suddenly feels painfully tight and returns the picture to its place on the bedside table. When that’s done, he pads to the closet; once inside he finds a nice gray crewneck sweater that he slides into. Comfortable with the length in the arms that hides his white-scarred knuckles. Not because he needs to hide anything from Benji. He never has and never would and Benji would never expect him too.

But it is special, asking someone to marry you, and he doesn’t want to remember his hands were once used for that. He likes them as they are now; a tool to fix something or a hand to hold something. When he hears the door opening downstairs, Benji’s immediate call to him, he is namely thinking of holding that man’s face.

—

“This stuff is expensive,” Benji comments, taking the jar of peanut butter from the paper bag and putting it on the counter. He’s sorting through their groceries, because this is unfortunately a largely Benji oriented chore. It’s not that Xavier doesn’t go with him, because he does. More often than not, but occasionally, Benji will grab the keys himself and already know Xavier probably wont be up for the stimulation. He loves him so fucking much for that.

“Worth it,” Xavier says, yanking the jar his way. He unscrews the top, ripping off the safety seal with a glinting grin up at Benji. “You’re insane for not liking peanut butter.”

“S’alright—never said I don’t like it—”

“You never want a peanut butter and jelly.”

“You put too much peanut butter on it, Xavier.”

“No—it’s the perfect amount,” his words come out muffled because he’s stuffing his entire tongue into the jar. Benji pauses, a bag of crisps in his hand. Xavier’s favorite flavor too—salt and vinegar. He blinks a few times, his tongue still in the jar.

“That is disgusting—”

“You eat your mac and cheese out the pot—”

“Used a bowl last night.”

“After I made you.”

Xavier caps the jar then, shoving it back into the cabinet where it belongs. Because things have places in this kitchen. The mugs go in the cabinet to his leg—the cereals go in the pantry. The protein powder that Xavier likes is above the oatmeals. They have a bag of semi sweet chocolate chips from when Saha came over and they tried to bake something. There’s a chip in the counter from where Xavier had cut something without a cutting board, and a dent in the toaster from his elbow when he’d slipped in the kitchen tracking in rain.

They’ve laid in this kitchen, on the floor together, because its their kitchen. They’re argued in it and made up in it. They’ve sat at the table, discussing things they didn’t want to discuss. Their fridge has pictures on it. There’s a note that Benji will be late from work on Tuesday because he has a meeting and it’ll run on long, as it always does. Xavier has a parts order for the truck he’s finishing pinned as well, an oil mark in the corner because he’d grabbed it from work before washing his hands.

He crosses to Benji, sliding a hand over his side.

“You look cute,” Xavier says fondly. And Benji snorts in reply, his hand fishing into the last paper bag as Xavier walks around to hug him from behind. Sometimes, he vaguely remembers finding it difficult to be this tall; to fit into places and feel awkward. To hug someone and immediately notice how long his limbs were. Xavier’s arms rest comfortably around Benji’s broad torso as he finishes pulling out food from the bags. He remembers, but only vaguely.

“Grabbed the first jumper I saw. Might even be dirty.”

“Let me compliment you, you fucking ass.”

Benji turns, in Xavier’s arms. They come together easily, like they do. They kiss and it’s like any other kiss—like no other kiss. One of those long, drawn out, sweet ‘thank you for grocery shopping without me because you know I hate the fluorescent lights and I hate the people and the noise’ kisses. Xavier thinks, now. Ask him now. Pull away and do that thing you’re supposed to do, on one knee. Even without a ring, it’s obvious what you’re doing when you sink onto a knee. Hold his hand, kiss it. Kiss the palm that saved you, more than once. Hold it to your cheek and look up and ask.

Instead, Benji slips from the kiss to return to putting away their food. He’s going to make Xavier naan tonight. He promised to, because Benji’s mom had dropped off home made hummus and it’s his favorite snack. Xavier puts his nose into Benji’s hair, his hands squeezing the man’s hips. Ask him. Now. Now. Now.

He slides away to sit down at a chair at the table instead.

—

“Alright?”

“Hm?”

They’re outside, enjoying the way the heat of the day has shed into a cool night. Xavier has tried, unsuccessfully to stop smoking. This is his first one of the day, which probably didn’t make his shaking hands any better. The nicotine rush in his nicotine deprived blood stream made him a little lightheaded. More than a little; he’s slightly dizzy when he sits up, braces on his elbows and looks over at Benji. He lays in the grass, with his hands tucked behind his head. When he does that, the swell of his bicep is so noticeable. It makes Xavier roll over on top of him, kiss that powerful arm over and over.

“Hah—” Benji gets out a little bit of a huff as Xavier’s weight sinks on top of him. One of his hands falls onto Xavier’s back, dragging up and down. “That’s not an answer. Dodgin’ it?”

“You smell good,” Xavier says, doing exactly that.

“Your heart is racin’.”

“Well, I am just a shy little boy around you.”

“Xavier, fuckin’ hell.” Benji winds hands into red hair, pulling his head back to look at him. In the slow ebb of night, he’s washed all blue and purple. And Xavier isn’t the only one whose changed in their years of slow life; Benji’s hair grows longer too. It’s wild and curly and he has to tie it back sometimes in a way that makes Xavier’s heart so fucking full. He smiles easier, with less of an edge to it, more of a genuine, I’m happy right now, Xavier smile. His facial hair has gotten a little longer. There is a particular spot on his temple where a gray hair keeps growing in. Just one. Xavier loves to look at it.

Because it means Benji is getting older. That they’re both getting older and—fuck, he should ask. He should ask, right here, laid on top of Benji, chest to chest. He should ask him, just say it out loud. Xavier’s hand slides over Benji’s cheek, cupping it and looking down at him. His heart is racing. It’s thundering, painful against his sternum. His eyes flicker over facial features he’s memorized. He could close his eyes and describe Benji to an artist, and he knows that the art would be a perfect replica. Even if it could never compare.

Benji sits up a little, brows pinched.

“Xavier?” he prompts. “Feelin’ alright? Mean it. You’re lookin’—cheeks are flushed.” He mimics the gesture then. Puts his hand to Xavier’s face. His hands have not lost the calluses from being a soldier, even though he feels like they should. They’ll never go completely soft. Xavier closes his eyes and leans into that warm hand. He remembers, the first time Benji had ever touched his face, there had been blood on both of them. There’d been a rifle in Xavier’s hand. His heart is still racing. His stomach hurts.

“Quitting cigarettes has been rough,” Xavier says lamely, laughing a little. His eyes are closed, but he can hear the shifting as Benji leans in to kiss him. One hand is at his ribs, that permanently injured one. His own slips under Benji’s shirt and finds the scar. That scar. This kiss is slower, until the last hint of the sun finally falls away.

—

He’s sitting on the bed while Benji brushes his teeth. He’s holding that button up dress shirt and looking at the mirror, where he’d put that picture of himself. The taste of mint is already in his mouth, because he’d just brushed his teeth too. Leaned over the sink and put his forehead to the mirror and called himself a coward.

It wasn’t that it had to be today. It could be tomorrow. He could plan, actually. Maybe learn to cook something himself. Surprise Benji when he got home from work. Maybe he could throw fucking flower petals everywhere and wear a suit and actually have a speech other than, I love you so much I can’t imagine it going anywhere but here. Xavier’s fingers curl into that stupid black shirt and he stands. He balls it up and throws it across the room, where it lands just next to the hamper.

Xavier walks into the bathroom.

Benji stands there, washing up. He flicks his hands, little water droplets going everywhere. Use the towels, Xavier wants to say, because it’s a fond argument. He has on Xavier’s headband—his, I’m cleaning and I hate the feel of hair in my face when I’m cleaning, headband. Little strands of curly black hair are falling everywhere, regardless of that tortoiseshell colored plastic band. It makes Xavier’s heart flip over. That’s mine and you’re wearing it. We wear each others clothes, we live in this house together, we kiss in the mornings, we spend all day touching each other sometimes, we request three day weekends from work to go to your moms and your sister visits and I call my mother on Tuesdays and you say hello and Tess has a fucking holiday planned to come here. To spend the week with us.

This is us, our life together, your tooth brush next to mine in that little cup by the sink.

“Would you tell me what the fuck is wrong—you ‘ave been actin’ a way today, Xavier.” When he looks like this; pinched brows, frown on his handsome features, flashing eyes that are half annoyed and half worried. That’s when Xavier feels absolutely destroyed over Benji. He remembers so little sometimes, of what it was like before. The fear and anxiety and the blood and the guns and the running, the little meet ups, the stolen moments of time together. He remembers, though, Benji’s very first, furious look at him. In a tent, over schematics.

Right then. He’s romanticizing that moment, he knows. Distantly, he’s sure that he’d had no feelings for Benji except vague annoyance and begrudging respect. But in his tinted, hazy memories, it was right then. It was that exact moment that Benji had slipped his hand underneath his vest, between his cracked ribs and touched his heart. Just his palm, sliding around it. Holding it. Going, this is going to be mine.

“Will you marry me?”

The sink faucet drips, a little plunk.

“No, wait,” Xavier slaps his hands to his face, palms digging into his eye sockets. “Fuck, not in the bathroom—holy fuck, not in the bathroom.” He’s scooting backward, hands still obscuring his eyes so he trips a little. He swallows and tilts his head back, would be staring at the ceiling if his hands weren’t now permanent fixtures to his face. “Oh, fuck, I meant—earlier, like, when you came back from the store.”

He hears Benji’s socked feet on the hardwood floor coming into the bedroom to join him.

“Let me try again.” Xavier rips his hands away. “I’ll ask in a better way—” But Benji has passed him, to the bed, to scoop up his phone. He’s sliding it open, one hand up into his curls. Xavier watches, his mouth open a little. “What are you doing?”

“We have to figure out how,” Benji replies quickly. He’s still looking at his phone, his darkly defined browns pinched in tight. His white teeth bite into his lip a little before he continues. “Nomi, yeah? That was her name. Mates with Lark. She’d know—papers. She forged the originals? Had to get her to remake your passport when you got that job. Background check. You gotta get a visa, Xavier. You’re here illegally, still.”

Xavier watches, in mute fascination as Benji opens tabs on his phone. As he inputs things into search bars; generic questions and then harder ones, about American’s in the UK and marriage visas, and blanks forms for those visa. A weird, that’s not a burner cell, floats through his head because they used to have to deal with those all the time. They used to not be able to keep their numbers in each others phones, or keep their contacts saved. Used coordinates and codes to get things across to each other.

A strange memory of tapping SOS on Benji’s cheek while Lark watched makes his entire body feel cold and numb.

He reaches for the phone. Benji lets him take it.

“You didn’t say yes,” Xavier says as he locks the phone and softly drops it onto the bed next to them.

“What?”

He cups Benji’s face in both hands. He brings their bodies close together. There’s nine inches of height difference between them. How do you not make me feel too tall, Benji? How do I feel so perfect when there’s this big difference? He leans in and puts their lips together. There’s this big, immediate relief inside his chest. Like a balloon had been wedged under his ribs and now all the airs been let out; not deflating. That isn’t right either. Just this overwhelming sense of calming down, like all the tension in his body is draining. Like everything wound up slowly unwinds.

And they kiss again, not for the first time that day, but it feels new every time anyway. Somehow. He kisses Benji softly at first, feels the man’s arms winding around his torso. There’s a noise from him that makes Xavier press in harder. Their mouths open, tongues searching and finding and touching and tasting. Minty. Makes Xavier smile as he kisses him more, as he tilts his head to get that angle that lets him kiss Benji so fucking deeply. He pulls them closer together, sucks on Benji’s lower lip, tugs it. Dives in again after a breathe flash of air between them.

His hands dig into Benji’s hips. He grips, hard and lovingly. His whole body is full of this feeling of love.

“Will you?” Xavier whispers against his lips. He’s pulling them backward. He’s falling onto the bed and Benji is crawling over top of him. He’s pausing, just long enough to yank that cute sweater he’d put on for the day right off. It makes his hair look crazy as he does. It joins the dress shirt near the hamper. Xavier’s hands run up his sides. He groans, because it never gets old to look at him. His eyes drink in that dark brown skin, linger on his hips all the way up to his chest and then higher.

They look at each other, Benji’s dark brown eyes and Xavier’s big green ones.

“Ask again,” Benji says, with a smile. Something genuine and pretty and soft. My smile. Always, he thinks its, has thought it since the first time he ever saw it.

“Will you marry me?”

“Fuckin’ course.”

—

After, they lay together underneath two blankets, because Xavier has to have his own because he steals them through out the night and drives Benji insane. Less together and more a pile, with Benji on top, resting with his chin to Xavier’s sternum and Xavier’s leg hitched over Benji’s hip and one hand in his sweaty black hair.

He pulls out a curl and watches it slowly spring back into place when he lets it go. Xavier brushes a thumb over Benji’s eyebrow, watches as the man leans into that touch with a tilt of his head. His eyes close briefly. Xavier’s chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm—and it doesn’t hurt anymore. Doesn’t feel so tight and wound up; because he’d asked, or because Benji is there, laying on top of him, their nude bodies together and comfortable.

“You really didn’t think about how we’d get it to work?” Benji chuckles, eyes fluttering open. Xavier feels absolutely lost from that action, watching those dark lashes. He has a lingering flush to his skin from the exertion. They’d come together so quickly, so hard and frantic and entirely, mine, mine, mine, yours, yours, yours but not over fast. Time impossible to string together when it’s inside a bedroom, but not fast. They’d lingered on every touch and kiss and thrust and sensation.

“Is it, like, surprising if I say no? Sometimes forget I’m not legal.” Benji snorts and rolls his head to rest his cheek on Xavier’s sweaty sternum. His fingers continue petting through his boyfriends (ah, fiance’s?) hair. He smooths it away from the temple that will grow that random gray hair. “We’ll figure it out. Or, I dunno. Maybe we won’t. I just, uh.” He pauses talking, but his fingers continue, because he can see how relaxing it is. How much Benji continues melting, his breathing becoming deep and content.

“I want to be with you, Benji.” Here, now, maybe he can put it right. Maybe he can say it, the way he was supposed to say it. On one knee, holding his hand. “I know we are together. But like—and I dunno, marriage is so weird, right?” He laughs because he realizes, he does not have a script. He couldn’t write one if he tried. He could not put into words the feeling that radiates through his entire body, just being underneath this man. “Like, why’s the government gotta get involved?”

“Taxes,” Benji replies, his voice soft because the petting is making him that subdued.

“Right, but,” Xavier laughs. He cups Benji’s face and tilts it so he can look at him. So they can look at each other. “One day, I thought of you and I thought, fuck. It would be so cool to call this guy my husband.” Saying the word aloud is what makes him shiver. He can see a dilation in Benji’s pupils—this great, giant, wanting that Xavier recognizes. “So it’s like. Maybe not the marriage thing. But it’s—it’s that I want you to be more. I wanna be more. I wanna be your husband, too. Fuck, am I saying this alright?”

“Sayin’ it like yourself,” Benji says. His hand draws up over the black outline of a key. Their key. To their home. “Wouldn’t want you sayin’ it any other way.”

“I fucking love you,” Xavier says immediately in reply. “But the shirts on the floor are also driving me fucking insane, Benji.”

“You’re not strong enough t’shove me off. We’re goin’ to sleep with the shirts on the floor.”

“Is this what marriage is going to be like?”

Benji laughs then—his laugh laugh. Not a snort of air, not this sarcastic crack of a thing, but his real laugh. Deep from his chest, a sound Xavier could live inside. Could listen to on repeat, with his eyes closed and go that one, I love that one. That’s my fucking Benji. That one. So it makes Xavier laugh too, but his is a groan, a hand to his forehead, tilted back onto the pillow. It makes Benji laugh louder, his forehead pressing into Xavier’s sternum. They shake with that emotion, laughing, in bed together.

They’ll figure the details out later and the shirts will unfortunately, stay on the floor, instead of put away properly.

#xavier #benji #xavier x benji #i told frontier i would post this on 4/20 and they didnt believe me

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