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#nd its why i cant feel close to people

kikosaurscave · 1 year

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getting high with neteyam:

-unproffesionly use of weed

-kinda heated kissing

-remember that theyre young , high asf teens

-theres a part 3 bc i had a sudden gooder idea thats more age wise friendly

"cmon its not that far away" you whisper to the groaning boy who rubs his eyes, "y/n why in the middle of eclipse? can this not wait ?"

the look you gave him let him know your lack of patience. you js wanna get high ASAP

he walks closely next to you hand in hand to not seperate as you let the soft vibrance of the plants around you guide your way to what you craved the most for in the past 16 hours.

his fingers caress yours while you happily tell him about your current obsession "this plant , it is amazing ! and all we did was burn it ! you should have seen tsahik, talking to the walls of the peoples lab" you let out a laugh that he knows he adores. he could listen to you ramble about anything because he loves your voice

"i hope this is worth it" he grumbles to you, you rolls you eyes , excitement creeping up on you when you spot the enchanting plant of .pot

you tell him to gather the buds of the plants while you find a hooded area covered by the large bright leaves and glowing mushrooms and fruit , the spot big enough for about 5 of you to just chill out in and get smoke weed

you made the fire and by the time its lit neteyam reckons hes gathered enough , he thinks its been long enough seperated meters away from you but he js wants your presence

"throw some in nete , not to much" you smile up at him before watching as the glowing green buds spark in the orange heat , he watchesthe way the fire reflects in your __ eyes , the smoke isnt enough to distract him it just makes him want to focus on you more , just you

"it looks..cool. now what happens?" his honest confusion humors you, "come sit"

10 MINUTES IS HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR THE AREA TO FILL WITH THE FOG BEFORE YOU TWO CRAWL OUT FOR BETTER AIR

he cant tell if his laugh is louder in his head or if its just him , are you quiet ? or can you also see that bug on the tip of that leaf ?

hes def feeling it and its honestly amazing.

while yous r tripping you js keep telling eachother stories that you arent even sure are your own memories or not

you get anxieties when he goes quiet, you hear his harsh breaths from right beside you , his tail drags along yours and when you turn his way , its js immediate intense eye contact, this guy is tripping hard out.

"are you okay ?" you ask him, the worried look in your eyes js makes him fold, he moves a piece of your braided hair out of your face , tilting his head abit

staring into eachothers eyes while high js catches you both in a trance, to him your eyes glow in the different shades of the vibrant colours running around you both. the yellow coat of his irises could taint your view of all the different colours that surround pandora , there would be nothing as bright or as gorgeous as his eyes when the colour melts with yours.

"i want to kiss you" the statement is barely heard over the loud songs that the trees around you hum out , your curt nod has his hand holdinh the side of your head bringing you closer to him the other gently folding into yourown hand

the kiss is sloppy, full of feelings and passion, when you lean in and his arm moves to pull you closer, neither of you can get enough of the touch, you pull away for air but to him he js needs to feel you , suddenly your presence isnt enough like this is so rude to him js merge skins with him already- but hes gentle widit

he'll pull you closer while you both breathe heavily and he'll gently rub his hands up nd down ur back. hes never done this before, felt this before but a look into your eyes and the worry of being uncomfortable js disappears.

hands resting on either side of his face, you on his lap and his arms around your waist, both of you high as fuck

"lets go ride our ikran to ayram alusìng (floating mountains)"

youd race eachother there and suddenly you both feel like youre quieter than you really are, the day is soon and flying your ikran together feels like a dream, your body tingles as the air rushes over you body , you can both feel your smiles with your whole faces , atp you dont even bother tryna to be quiet when you return , neteyam is just a mess at this point and you wonder how he'll be able to continue his training today

unfortunately for you when you return to your tent your brother sits in front of the balazing fire, waiting for who knows how long

"tsmuke (sister) where were you ?"

is the first thing he askes you, he doesnt even ask if ur alright bro

"no where" "who were you with." "eylan (a friend) "how many? " "awpo (one individual)" "eve? evan? (girl? boy?)" "tute (a person)" "tupe. (who.)"

his voice is stern , the reflection of the fire in his eyes intimidate you , when he turns to look at you , you end up feeling cornered

"neteyam"

youre grounded from seeing him for until tsu'tey says so , you beg him to not tell toruk makto and he feels bad , the look his little sister gives him makes him feel like the worst person in the world so even though its unlike him to do so , he gives in and promises not to say anything

it wont matter in about a week though because the sky people are on hunt for the sullys , you wouldnt be able to see him for a while and it scares you

- end

ending is shit bc i kinda rushed the ending but it took longer than expected to write this , part 3 is coming

somewhat proofread

lmk what you think

#neteyam x reader #avatar 2 #avatar way of the water #i write for aonung #weed is good for u

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txtistheloml · 7 months

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uhm a lil tmi ab my 'sex' life i guess...? ur girl is still a virgin sobs

scroll past if u dont wna know bc im just sharing with people who might find it interesting..?

(i need advice sos my girlies)

uhm so i had this boy bsf for like idk say almost 10 years !! and like we r super close hes the oppsosite of me nd hes like rly extroverted nd popular while im the quiet one so like just earlier today we were hanging out at his dorms bcs i didnt wna go home yet so yea and since a couple days before ive been feeling so out of it like what ppl wld call slipping into 'subspace' i guess and like idk how to even describe it I JUST FELT SO FUZZY

what happened was he kinda took notice of it and asked if i was okie (not out of the normal since he was usually rly sweet except the teasing) and like idek how it escalated or some shit he ended up getting me off.

I DOMNT KNOW OKAYE I WAS SO OUT OF IT then like uhm yk im a virgin nd all i do masturbate but i usually cant get myself to cum bcs idek why either 😇 nd i actually cant fit two fingers in me (as stupid as that sounds ,, yes its true) and like ITS HARD TO GET OFF BY MYSELF OPKAY

then yea he laughed at me ab that but he was so nice ab it too :( he didnt force it or anyth but he got me to cum so many times in like 30mins (with one finger bcs...😁) nd i felt bad and shit so i said like i would give him a blowjob in return but as yk ur girl is inexperienced nd like he was guiding me thru it HJDHJWHJKSH (bro is experienced uhm) nd he said that was the best head he had gotten (genuinely ,, he swore :() and then we took a nap tgt for like idk 2hrs.. then i went home bcs my parents were looking for me💀

idkdkdk ughh he didnt put a label on our rs yet idk i kind of like him? kinda weird thinking he was the lil baby that used to be shorter than me and steals my food ughh IDK I FEEL SO HAZY

to those who read this far give me ur opinions pls lol

#evelyn rambles

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transzilla · 20 days

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I think you hit on an idea for like, why it's so difficult for me to be sexual or talk about trauma. I Always feel as if "I'm ruining" a good situation or discussion by doing something or bringing up a certain topic. Is it always like this?? It brings a lot of unnecessary shame and stress by because I feel as if I've got to live by other people's rules.

It depends, some people really will like. react that strongly and IMO pretty unfairly. With sexual stuff like it is probably partially cus yr not cishet like if i was married to a woman i could joke about not getting much sleep last night wink wink nudge nudge or that oh my daughter was conceieved there or we're "trying for a baby" nd nobody would really say anything but ig even if theyre not overtly homophobic the hookupy nature of it and the fact that id have to teach a 101 in just how it functions has people clutching their pearls. Plus with trauma if people just haven't gone through the same thing they get scared LOL like people wanna make it seem like you're the bad guy and make all these social rules like oh youre TRAUMA DUMPING like.. is it trauma dumping with somebody ive known for years?? that i consider a close friend?? Are they really a close friend if they cant fucking listen to me on one thing? Like when you elaborate suddenly youre the one that sounds like an asshole lmao

Like dont get me wrong theres a time and a place like nobody wants to be that guy. Like I had to learn where to keep my mouth shut just because it was making people uncomfortable, even if sometimes its not my fault like with trauma youre really not a bad person you just need help and people arent interested in helping. Nd like thats their business yk you just need to move on some people are squeamish, thts fine they can go back to watching baby shark. With sex its like confusing cus people will make hints and innudendo but you talk about it like a fucking adult and all of a sudden you're doing something wrong dndjrjsn but like ok whatever guess I won't talk abt it anymore. Its hard to be like oh well this entire time and place of your life needs to be kept secret like a fucking underground witch coven or something especially when it takes up a pretty big part. But there are cool ones like there will be ppl who went through the same thing there will be people who actually have sex and you can actually have a discussion with like not everyone is annoying like that, let them lead like you might have to drop pins if you dont know the person that well but some people are bros! Youll find them.

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cycle-hit · 2 months

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realising ive never put into words character speech/think patterns that ive absorbed while having to write them nd i need to so. here u go.

haruka - guilty of not rly paying attention to how he speaks so i have less knowledge of it. used to stutter over his words a lot in t1, had a poor grasp of vocabulary. in t2 he stutters less/not at all, his vocabulary has improved but because of this i like to think he probably speaks close to how muu does (since she taught him) (i have no idea if this is canon or not)

yuno - lots of usage of the word "bothersome". presents a facade that she cares more than she actually does. i dont have a lot of thoughts on how i write her honestly- she's close enough to myself that i just WRITE her speaking manner as myself but a little different. she has a habit of teasing people. can be sexual (in speech) at times. homophobic dog. can make people uncomfortable with her knowledge of them or her general attitude. warmth.

fuuta - also guilty of analysing him less. i just write him sort of like how i speak to people im close to. has a regular angry anime boy speech pattern thats actually not angry- mixed with twitter user. in t2 he develops cult speak habits which actually makes him sort of hard to write bc i have to google things like "Religious words" "Words like salvation" every time i write his dialogue. hes stupid as all fuck.

muu - she's so fuckign funny. "passive aggressive" teenager in high school. says "muu" instead of stuff like "i" or "me/my" 10x more than mahiru's habit. doesnt "care" for most people she speaks to and it shows (unlike yuno's facade). spoiled rich girl. can be ignorant and not necessarily always on purpose. shes just a mean teenager man idk what much else to say about her speech patterns. in t1 she actually used to trail off a lot and hesitate to speak bc she was scared

shidou - guilty of not looking into him a lot. has a habit of "looking down" on the people he's speaking to with the sole exception of kazui (though he tends to think of kazui solely as Older Man Like Me rather than anything. deeper?? idk if that makes sense). verbose like some other little furry shit that i know. doesnt emote well. i write him like myself as well

mahiru - MAHIRU!!! in t1 she used to say her own name a lot like muu. in t2 this changes- she doesn't say do it as often. she apologises a lot in t2. low self-esteem that she makes known in speech whenever talking about herself. she just wants people to be happy. references her magazines/stuff she reads a lot in t1- im always rly sad she's lost this trait in t2. i want her lit major-ness back. sunshine incarnate that's been extinguished. "airhead" and "carefree" are words that describe her but i also tend to write her as being slightly hurt by them- its likely not a nice feeling to be thought of as "stupid" in gentler terms. i like to write her as more observant than people think though i dont think this is canon- she's lit major.......come on milgram...make her strange!!! let her observe people like those who like writing are so prone to do!!!!!!!! cant handle anyone making fast/unpredictable movement towards herself anymore after t2. also. NANDE, NANDE NANDE? (constantly questioning why.)

kazui - i need to analyse him more. his gaze makes people uncomfortable, notably those who dont like parts of themselves "seen". likely an aftermath of his employment of being a detective- he has to be able to know and analyse people accurately. reminiscences on his younger days a lot. i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot.

amane - guilty of not analysing her speech patterns at all actually. verbose. stuck in a cult. more "childish" than she lets on and tries to conceal this fact.

mikoto - i have to make sure he talks about work. tendency to present himself as more "simple" than he is. john speaks more aggressively. "carefree" like mahiru but less and more self-aware.

kotoko - oh boy. stupid fucking verbose bitch she takes so fucking long to write especially since i have to do her pov you have no god damn idea. she is constantly analysing and overthinking everything around her it doesnt stop. blunt. asks a question in return when she doesnt want to answer a question or gives short statements like theyre fact. struggles to read social aspects bc of her paranoia. uses the word "ridiculous" and "-ne?" ("right?") a lot. as well as "evil" or "sinners" or "criminals". thinks shes sooooo fucking smart when in reality shes stupid as all fuck. i write her very much like myself. theres a lot to say about her speech patterns/way she is that influences her speech that idk how to put into words bc its just been absorbed into my brain like a sponge. sounds like shes analysing you every time she speaks. naturally intense-looking in a way that scared muu even in t1.

#HOPE THIS...HELPS? these are also very much generalisations that have nuance to them. i just tend to think of these things as a quick summ-#-ary whenever i have to write them so theyre closer to canon. i probably also missed a lot bc the only characters i stare at under-#microscopes are um. kotoko 'nd mahiru...bc i only write their povs. i have to know them inside and out but for the others i do not..have to #little guy posting

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just-a-small-town-dork · 2 years

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I have a question, why am i like this? I have been sitting in my dorm room all afternoon wanting to do something, its nice outside so reading outside sounds like a good idea and i have so many books both new and old but I dont want to read any of them, not that i don't want to but that i can't they aren't what im looking for.

ok why don't I watch some tv or a movie I have a whole list of new ones i've been wanting to watch and acess to all of my old favorites but nope I don't want to watch any thing but thats not exactly it becasue its not that i don't want to its that none of them feel right. So i think i'll draw for a bit but i cant think of a meidum to use to draw or a thing to draw, not that i don't have ideas, but none of them feel quite right. I want to go for a walk but I feel too weak, I feel to weak because I barely ate but i only barely ate because even all of my safe foods weren't quite what im looking for.

Ok so i'll listen to some music, ok great this is working puting on my drown it all out playlist but uh oh! nope you are not allowed to go past this song, you have to keep replaying it, it's the only thing so far that has eve come close to stasfiying that feeling so I latch onto it and think maybe i can get myself moving by playing this song on the ukelele or finish up that project im working on, writting out my favorite fan fics onto a note book so i can read a physical copy instead of always reading off my phone but nope, nuh uh, stop right there, none of those are gonna work so now im just sitting here, in my room on my bed, depressed and in a funk.

I could call somone in my family and talk to them but who and about what? no that won't work. what about my friends, I dont want to miss out and be anti social but i dont think i can handle being around other people right now besides i dont want to bother them and what would i even say? I could always call my old friends from back home but no because im too insecure right now and ive been too stressed that they hate me and besides what would i talk about? nope not that either, ok what about a nap? maybe? no... i dont know, typing on tumblr helped, but i cant do that for an eternity...

Am I the only memebr of the broken brain (ND) club that gets this feeling, probably not because ive learned as ive grown up that pretty much every part of my personality is a symptom of one of my disorders but still, do any other ND people out there get like this? How do you cope? How do you keep going? I refuse to let my brain win and go back to the dark place spent years clawing my way out of but days like today make it really really hard to remeber why i keep fighting, becuase im tired and its really hard.

#neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #Broken Brain Club #Wtf is up with my brain #ocd #adhd #anxiety #depression

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lizzieblabbers · 2 months

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im sorry i neglected this blog

not gonna lie, life has been pretty messy lately. a lot is happening all at once, and i am sad to inform you that my little brain can't just keep up.

i am sooooooo busy with school (uni is uni-ying), personal life is going upwards then downwards then upwards again it's like im in a fucking roller coaster each day i wake, my mind is undergoing some sort of midlife crisis i dont even know i had... you get the picture

these may be some of the reasons why i havent written anything for the past few months, but to address the elephant in the room--yes, i have lost my 'passion' for writing. i have completely lost the magic.

it's hard to admit, but i am not producing any creative juice lately. at least to my liking.

wow, it feels so different to actually acknowledge it. the fuck HAHA

anyway i know ill eventually find my way back again, but i am sure as heck (i cant curse its good friday) it would not be right now.

i promised myself to get back to writing drabbles every sunday, but it seems like the universe is testing every fiber of my being so the first quarter of the year is already close to being done and my wips aren't getting anywhere...

ok so today honestly i woke up with a headache, stayed longer in bed than intended, and did not show up for my daily morning walks so i guess i should have known im gonna have a bad day (which, ironically, gave way to the writing and actual posting of this entry??)

i should sleep early today and end the week productively because i honestly have a lot to do and on top of that, i have a class on monday!!?

okay enough for this rant post, i just want to know the internet people that im still alive nd kicking (at least, im trying to)

BYERZ EXPECT TO HEAR MORE FROM ME IN THE SUCCEEDING DAYS (hopefully)

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bluehwale · 1 year

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ND YKW IF WE EVER MEET I WOULD JUST GO LIKE sweats bullets nd not make any eye contact cuz imfbdndndn nd for the first time I feel like I did smth nice for someone so fast nd my god I was literally like I myself was on the verge of stuttering before I put those two sentences out nd he was alr smiling nd the senior I talked to was a man 😭😭 imagine nd hes so yk clingy im like 💀💀he says u dont talk much in person I wanted to say u aren't that close to me that's why I literally hate when ppl tell me why am I quiet why am I acting like a bitch (like I hv very bad mood swings nd I try to keep my calm nd sometimes ppl questions where did my cheerfulpersonality went I feel like slapping them like im a human a scorpio that too like just cuz im too nice for a scorpio that doesnt mean I cant switch to my other personality nd ignore u like u never existed 😭😭 ppl piss me off sm

HE WAS ALR SMILING 💔💔💔💔💔 god…. it’s me again…

nO BUT UGH MEN (this is abt ur senior) 😡😡😡😡😡😡 PPL WHO U ARENT CLOSE WITH WOULD ACT LIKE THEYVE BEEN UR CHILDHOOD BESTFRIEND FOR 12 YEARS ISTG and yeah fr sometimes people act like i shouldn’t ever feel sad or be quiet or get angry bcs that’s not a part of my cheerful personality but??? im literally human?? its a bit weird :-/

anyw… send me a list of all the people who pissed u off and i’ll slap them after ur turn <33

#answered #sorry for taking so long to reply btw 😞 been booked n busy 😞#BUT I RLLY LOVE TALKING TO U AND #IF U NEED TO RANT/ TELL SOMEONE ABT UR DAY #IM HERE #i’ll always be up for more of ur fun stories <33 #diorwoo

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tears0fsatan · 2 years

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IT REALLY IS like i see all these kiddos feeling that stuff and im like,,, why dont i feel that. and when i do im like WHAT IS THIS THIS FEELS SO GROSS

yeah like ive never been homeschooled but i am socially awkward as fuck (i think i might have social anxiety but idk) and i end up isolating myself a lot. which is why when i do gain a friend, they're somewhat as weird and left behind as me SKHFSFKJSLF and dw im taking my time!! i always have a tendency to rush everything bc i dont wanna think about it anymore if that makes sense 😭 and YEAH REAL PEOPLE SUCK ASS they're mostly the reason why im aroace /j

DAMMIT i know yakumo has some similarities to zhongli but i swear thats not the reason hes my fave alright 😭 and yeah man everyone in that game is gorgeous af even the mc is cute as hell....yes yes play the game and join our hell mwahahaha and then you can tell me the lore bc um. the wiki doesnt have complete transcripts it turns out

THANK U if anyone wants my titties hmu i will gladly donate them 👍 and trueeeee lack of time aside sometimes i just dont feel like bothering them u kno 😭 and yes i will take my chances and annoy you whenever i want to teehee. also unrelated but you're indonesian right?? dunno if you actually live in indonesia or not but. we're neighbors lmao im malaysian ehe

-🔶

NOOOO IKR ITS SO WEIRD. like ion mind being ace but the feelings that come with being ace ughhghguhguhguh

at least if all of ur friends are left behind it doesn't necessarily count as left behind if yall are in it together amen 🙏 bUT YES OMG SO UNDERSTANDABLE FR the 'lets just get this over with' mentality is alive and well LMAOAOAO anw real people are not it 🥱 anime folks for the win ‼️

IM SORRY OKAY BUT WE CANT DENY HE LOOKS SIMILAR 😭😭 bUT I STARTED PLAYING AND FUCK HES SO ADORABLE 😭 i dont understand how so much anger (essence but saying that makes me giggle cus of the context) could be stored in such a sweet looking serpent 😭 nnn kuya has my heart he is literally my type embodied in a single character i nearly went insane lol

yall hear that transfems????? u have two lovely transmascs offering u some tiddies‼️ n so true 😭 like.. i'll just wait until they text me so i know that im not bothering them lololol ND PLEASE DOOOOOOO I LOVE TALKING TO U

ANW OMG???? UR SO CLOSE????? ur so fucking lucky for having hakken AND LEGOLAND fuck you 🖕 meanwhile all we have are jamets or basketball boys who think they're gojo irl 😭

#៹ ࣪˖. 🎧 mail﹒💌

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kashimos-hajime · 3 years

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no regrets (8/8) | r.b.

summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.

WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :) pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 6.7k

a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.

I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.

What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.

You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.

Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care.

I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.

Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.

im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I

Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.

I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.

Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.

I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up.

Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time.

I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that.

wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.

Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.

Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.

My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.

I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but

With love,

Rienr

You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.

You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.

They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.

“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.

“You made it out alive,” Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms.

“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”

“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”

“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”

Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.

When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.

You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.

Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone.

“For your services to the Survey Corps.”

There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.

“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile.

The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.

Distantly, he remembers flashes.

Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.

How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.

He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.

How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.

When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.

“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”

Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted.

Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.

Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.

The ring. You’re wearing it. You…

For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.

“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.

“So are you.”

And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing.

Maybe they are.

He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.

Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.

You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”

Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”

Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”

Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows.

“Okay.”

When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it?

It has to be.

You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.

But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality.

The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him.

He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing.

Why him?

As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.

“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”

“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”

And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.

Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.

Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.

Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.

And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.

“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”

The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.

“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”

And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.

Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.

There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up.

Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.

Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks.

For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.

Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.

Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field.

It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.

Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.

He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.

“Eren… where are we?”

“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”

A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.

“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”

His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.

And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”

Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.

Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.

“Marco! Sasha!”

Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.

He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—

“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.

Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop.

Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—

You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.

Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.

He’s gone.

A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.

“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.

Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.”

His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.

Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you.

“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”

Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything.

You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.

He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.

It’s over.

The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.

Just like he promised.

You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.

[THREE YEARS LATER]

Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing.

Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner.

How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.

And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.

Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.

But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.

Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach.

Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.

Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.

Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.

“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years.

“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.

A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”

“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.

“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.

“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”

“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.

Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.

Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.

“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise.

“To protect the both of us,” you explain.

“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”

You nod. “Listen to Levi.”

“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”

This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.

As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.

And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.

“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.

So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.

Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.

Hope for the future, and all that.

She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.

“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”

“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”

“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”

You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.

Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.

“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.”

Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off.

You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.

If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.

You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.

Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.

“You guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you.

“I think it’s charming.”

She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head.

“Soon may the Wellerman come…”

A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.

Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.

Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.

She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.

You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.

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dirk-has-rabies · 3 years

Text

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on) and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes. gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao, or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella) some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do. we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert) this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing. allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it) has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance” SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate) since a lot of people roll their eyes at that and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly. Autigender is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

#autism #actuallyautistic #trans #nonbinary #xenogenders #neopronouns #lgbtq #adhd #nuerodivergent #gender identity

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demomonic-murmurs · 3 years

Note

HI BABY I HOPE ITS OKI IF I ASK FOR TWO PEOPLE👉👈 I LOVE U BTW

could u please make some kiyoko period kink where shes really moody and needs attention pretty please nd a virginity and piss kink yachi in one (u domt habe too if thats too much)🥺she would be so shy and subby 😌😌i jus think that would be neat

HAI BBY ABSOLUTELY ESPECIALLY IF ITS MT FAV GIRLS

Content: period blood, piss, dom/sub undertones, embarrassment

Kiyoko

"Why are you so quiet now? Didn't you want this?", you asked in between kisses, trailing up her thigh.

Kiyoko was sitting on your bed on a towel, legs being spread apart by your hands refusing her to let her close them while you eagerly gazed at her pussy, the sweet metallic blood scent entering your nose.

"I- did not think you'd actually do it", Kiyoko whimpered, her face flushed in a beautiful shade of red as she fought against the instinct to hide behind her hands.

"You really think I would pass up the opportunity to eat you out?"

"Even if-?"

"Even if you're on your period baby. Especially when you are on your period."

You licked your lips eagerly, memorizing the way her pussy looked, the normal pretty pink shade now being painted in red.

"Thank you for the meal", you teased comedically before licking over her folds.

Kiyoko let out a moan and you could feel her pussy twitch. The taste made you crave more, her scent overwhelming you as you ate her out like a savage animal that went without food for months, only driven by your instincts.

Kiyoko was horny, that was for sure. You wondered if her period always made her horny and you could do this more as she wrapped her legs around your head to pull you closer to her private parts, which you didn't complain about at all.

Your hands let go of her legs and instead began to massage her stomach, hoping to ease the cramps she was experiencing.

Another high pitched moan followed and when she threw her head back, you knew she was about to cum.

Her cum mixed with her blood was how ambrosia must have tasted to the ancient gods, you thought as you sat back, licking the remaining blood and cum of your face as you watched her coming down from her high.

You were far from done with her.

Yachi

"[Name] this is embarrassing."

"Don't be like that Yachi, I know you can do it-"

"Last time was an accident! I cant do it intentionally!"

The petite blonde send you a weak glare, still squatting above your and her toilet on the ground. Her panties had been tossed to the side while she was holding her hiked up skirt away from the bathroom floor.

"I believe in you dear- I can help you if you want?"

"Help...me?"

"Spread your adorable cunny for me will you?", you cooed, enjoying the way Yachi fumbled before pulling her folds open for you, biting down onto the skirt to hold it up instead.

Your fingers immediately found her entrance. You smirked. She was wet, which meant that she had to enjoy this. Instead of searching her sweet spot like you usually did, you curled up your fingers and pressed down on her stomach with your other hand, putting pressure on her full bladder.

Yachi moaned at the sensation and was unable to hold it in any longer, a gasp escaping her as she emptied her bladder all over your hands, your thumbs beginning to toy with her pee hole, eventually settling on pulling it apart. You wish you had a camera as the sight was something you truly didn't want to forget. You always had to ease her into things, being the blushing virgin that she was and you had a little too much fun defiling her, especially considering you were still saving up breaking her hymen as a special treat for the both of you, though you hadn't decided on anything yet.

Yachi had never felt this embarassed in her whole life, but as she looked up and met your lustful gaze- maybe- maybe she could try doing it again if you asked. Just for you.

#Momo's SCD #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #kiyoko x reader #kiyoko x y/n #shimizu kiyoko x reader #kiyoko x you #yachi x y/n #yachi x reader #yachi x you #kiyoko smut #yachi smut

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mingot-studios · 3 years

Text

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

#the owl house #yume 2kki #thurston waffles #star vs the forces of evil #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #jojolion #one piece #vent #save infinity train #infinity train #amphibia #gravity falls #the crypto club #invader zim #Princess Ovilium Midorihato Metamorphosis Androma Serugi The First #Princess Ovil

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uchihashisuii · 3 years

Note

tumblr is tryna suppress the vik truth 😔 so sending in two here we go again:

scenario where johnny is alive and in a body at the end but i think v and johnny would become... maybe not inseparable, but theyd stay extremely close. i mean they literally know each other like the backs of their hands, so theyd hang out all the time, and both show up somewhere when you only invited the one. theyre family now, and its staying that way and sometimes theyd go to talk to the other before realizing oh yeah, they were trying to talk in their head again, they dont need to do that anymore. or theyd have mostly non verbal convos where they gesture and only half start a couple sentences while the other finishes them off because they know how they other thinks, and everyone around them is like ??? could ya speak up so the rest of us can follow please. and v and johnny will hang at the clinic bc v wants to hang, and vik gets to meet the bastard that almost killed her for the first time. and hed be gruff and cold and distant (and a little pissed) because yeah johnny didnt mean to but it still happened, she was still hurt and a mess for so long, and she had so much shit to deal with. he doesn't act outright hostile or anything because he saved her too in a fucked up way, and he'll be thankful to the bastard for the rest of his life for that, even if he never admits it.but hes also veeery jealous and trying not to show it. he doesnt mean to, but theyve got this bond no one else has now, and these same quirks and jokes and johnny understands her better than literally anyone ever, how could he not be jealous of that? hes got something vik wants, and hes upset for even thinking like this i mean hes too old to feel posessive of someone he has no right to. and he recognizes this, recognizes that johnnys not going away anytime soon. hes here for good and will be here as long as v's around, theyre a weird package deal right now, but he cant stay mad for long and needs to get over being jealous because he sees why theyre both friends now despite everything. like yeah hes a prick but his hearts in the right place, and he can be funny and charming and makes v laugh, and he sees the similarities in them. the smoking, the gun tricks, the jokes and the passionate rambling, they laugh the same or give the same grin. hes not as awful as hes made out to be, because he can see where v and him started merging and its maybe not a bad thing that v changed him, he can see it from the start of their first interaction. he shouldnt be jealous of the fucked up situation they both never asked for.

(cut for length ♥)

“ - anyway all of this to say that vik would absolutely try to keep johnny at arms length if they ever met, but would very quickly grow to like him because he sees so much v in him, and he cant not like anything thats a part of v (though he can live without them hamming up their silent convos, thank you) and johnny would absolutely pick up on the jealousy thing and think it kind of funny, and rib on vik when v leaves for a minute, or tease v when they leave because viks got it bad. and once all of thats been dealt with i think vik and johnny would have this fun dynamic of like, just shitting on each other and poking fun in a light hearted way. as if like, johnnys her brother and hes just tryna hold up his own with her family. and they wont talk about it but theyd recognize they have their own places in v's heart and theyd both do anything for her and thats okay, they have different roles to fill. i just think vik and johnnys dynamic would be so neat, johnny having essentially known everything about him and all v's feelings toward him, while vik just knows him as a terrorist, and the guy that was killing someone soso important to him. johnny would make fun of vik being an old timer, and vik would dunk back that not only is johnny older than him but he could absolutely demolish him with one hand tied behind his back. but yeah, lot of good potential there. i love the idea vik being jealous of johnny and feeling like an ass for even thinking like that. johnny going 'haha simp' but then also being like 'v, i unfortunately care for you so im gonna tell you right now no one in this city is worthy of you but the doc is the only one that comes close. i swear to god make a move on him before he turns green, i cant stand seeing him pine after you. fuck him and then never speak to me about it, i dont wanna know or see anything. luv u prick' and not to say that johnny would ever replace jackie bc he couldnt, and theyre not looking for a replacement. but their dynamic would echo the one v and vik had with jackie with the jokes and teasing. and vik would see the old v, the one from before the heist come back a little with how she bounces off everyone and keeps the convo going. shed light up again in a way she hadnt in what feels like a long time. and johnny wouldnt like, become bffs with vik or anything but he wouldnt treat friendships the way he did back in 2020, so he would really try with his friendship with vik when he needs to, if only for the sake of v. because everything and everyone important to her is important to him now too, and hes gonna take this second (third?) chance seriously because hes different now, and with everything vs done for him its worth doing. (apologies for the length again 🙏)”

------------

once again i find myself with not a goddamn thing to say you put into exact words EXACTLY the things i feel about this im

im obsessed with the image of johnny and vik ripping each other to pieces (jokingly) and v being in the middle of it like “why do two people i love gotta b like this to each other” and johnny being the one to try nd get them together oh my GOD johnny loving v with his whole heart and wanting nothing but the best and for them to be happy im

#i love your messages sm keep em coming #viktor vector #viktor vektor #victor vektor #victor vector #rippermerc #johnny silverhand #cyberpunk 2077

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