lizzieblabbers
( ˇ෴ˇ )
i am always annoyed
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hello
i may look like i dont care but inside i am really freaking out my routine is bound to be ruined (hell its not even established yet) and i have to make adjustments and actual plans for my life in the remaining weeks of the month...
not just waking up and continously trying to work out, but actually do big girl decisions that (i know im just being oa but this is me okay) will actually affect my life in the upcoming days
im about to be thrown again into the thing i like to call 'independent girlie moments' and i know my minds gonna be in adjusting phase again (NOT EVEN ADJUSTED TO MY cuRRENT SITUATION R U KIDDING ME)
this post is just a rant, no flow whatsoever, just me blurting out every single thing in my mind to be able to start an activity that has been long overdue
maybe it also doesnt help that shark week is almost there and my hormones are everywhere (as it is always naman, but i think it is different this time) and
ang dami ko na naman sinabi, ill end this here
BYE SEE U AGAIN
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something is wrong with me
i know there's a ninety percent chance that this is just pcos messing up with my hormones, or a ten percent chance that people are really testing me
its been days and ever since i feel resentful of every little thing that does not go my way. i am so frustrated with everything i might explode
it doesn't help that my acne is getting fucking worse lately (which may have been caused by the stress induced by reasons unknown to me) and its physically hurting me, making me more irritable
honestly i am just so tired of living (as me) in this shithole
i mean yeah there's a bright side but im starting to doubt if that was mean to balance out the bad ones or just to make the latter more powerful and felt??
SEE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
there are unnecessary things running through my head rn and it has already caused me to be two days behind my schedule (FUCK IT REALLY)
i had coffee today so maybe its the reason why i had the guts to write and publish this tonight and not let it rot in my drafts for days
...maybe coffee's the answer to my writer's block?
BUT THATS NOT THE ISSUE
either way i know i have to fix my sleeping schedule (which has been shit for the past few days, by the way) to be productive again and actually feel like a living human being and not just merely existing
ok thats it im gonna sleep its already 11:48 bye
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gray november i've been down since july
yeah, no shit.
EDIT 290323 : HELLO TUMBLR i wasn't supposed to post this rn (can't even remember what i have written here?? see the goldfish memory xD) but i respect my effort of writing this so here yaa gO
--
today's already the 26th of january, and i'm sitting in front of my computer, contemplating on what to say after all these months
tbh, i've planned to just merge this one with the december entry to have some sort of a 'year-ender' summary of my life lately, but i'm afraid this post that has been sitting in the drafts folder for too long for it not to be a separate one so i said fuck it and do this (plus i really like the title so yay)
OKAY
so as far as i can remember, november was such a busy month and ended in a way i didn't expect. not gonna delve deeper into the details, but it was really unexpected and definitely caused a shift in my beliefs in life and love
ANYYYYWAAYYYY
november was the start of my thesis month and since then it has been stressful. the weekly workloads were crazy, and i barely had the energy and the mental capacity to do anything. yet i did it, because i was afraid to fail.
the fear to look like a loser was what drove me to accomplish the things i did
--
THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT FOR YOU FOLKS
ill come back stronger than a 90s trend, i promise *wink* *wink*
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im sorry i neglected this blog
not gonna lie, life has been pretty messy lately. a lot is happening all at once, and i am sad to inform you that my little brain can't just keep up.
i am sooooooo busy with school (uni is uni-ying), personal life is going upwards then downwards then upwards again it's like im in a fucking roller coaster each day i wake, my mind is undergoing some sort of midlife crisis i dont even know i had... you get the picture
these may be some of the reasons why i havent written anything for the past few months, but to address the elephant in the room--yes, i have lost my 'passion' for writing. i have completely lost the magic.
it's hard to admit, but i am not producing any creative juice lately. at least to my liking.
wow, it feels so different to actually acknowledge it. the fuck HAHA
anyway i know ill eventually find my way back again, but i am sure as heck (i cant curse its good friday) it would not be right now.
i promised myself to get back to writing drabbles every sunday, but it seems like the universe is testing every fiber of my being so the first quarter of the year is already close to being done and my wips aren't getting anywhere...
ok so today honestly i woke up with a headache, stayed longer in bed than intended, and did not show up for my daily morning walks so i guess i should have known im gonna have a bad day (which, ironically, gave way to the writing and actual posting of this entry??)
i should sleep early today and end the week productively because i honestly have a lot to do and on top of that, i have a class on monday!!?
okay enough for this rant post, i just want to know the internet people that im still alive nd kicking (at least, im trying to)
BYERZ EXPECT TO HEAR MORE FROM ME IN THE SUCCEEDING DAYS (hopefully)
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octobery bery long ????
so remember the vacation entry i promised to post?? well... in my defense, tho, life came in the way and i had to prioritize urgent big girl stuff so i really had no time to sit down in front of my laptop and recall all my province memories
but it's sitting sa drafts na, will not set a date anymore, it'll just... be up
so anyway
october was so long wtf hHASDHADHA
tODAY'S THE TENTH AND I FINALLY FOUND THE WORDS EHEHEHEH (see cleaning is the key)
so, october, to put it simply, is challenging yet rewarding. (big words from a big girl lyke me 8D *winks*
as i've mentioned in my previous post, i hadn't really had much time to kool down from the province high because i needed to be the adult that i am as soon as i arrived. it did not help that the professors had already started discussions and of course with those are activities with deadlines that were sooner than i had expected.
now, i really meant it when i said that october was sooooooo looong. or was it because i had too much on my plate that i barely had the time to rest and let time pass by? either way, it was the longest month i had this year because a lot was going on.
first week of october, i had to go somewhere, ALONE, without any idea of what am i gonna do there.
OKAY I HAVE TO STOP HERE its ten pm and i am fucking sleepy (yeah it be like that sometimes) im gonna continue this tomorrow
hi today's the day after tomorrow and wtf am i doing with my life
i have decided not to pursue the vacation post because i felt like i have already said enough about it in my previous entries (albeit trying to tone it down for, well, the said separate entry) and i think it would just be redundant??? idk, im messed up like that
ANYWAY OCTOBER
so much has happened this past month that i can't really keep track of everything. october taught me a lot of lessons which i guess i can generally apply to all aspects of my life.
for one, it taught me that life isn't and will never be black and white. there are tons of gray areas existing that we should maybe look at and examine its relevance and how it affects each of us. not saying we should always justify everything, but you know... it wouldn't hurt to have another approach to life
anyhoo why am i getting all wisdom-y word-y here, im not that smart
my october mainly revolved on school and adulting responsibilities, alongside some realizations. as for school, it took me a while to adjust to the new academic year because there has been a lot of necessary changes for a less-stressful semester but all in all i'm fine now and already on the process of hooking myself back up to how i was before the vacay.
as for adulting responsibilities, well... october 2023 is when i first received a salary for doing something!!! yay :D immediately put it in a savings account and stopped myself from buying unnecessary stuff because i really want to practice this until i already have a job (FUCK THIS ADULT THING IS GETTING REALER ANY MINUTE) and as much as possible, save save save because i know im gonna need a lot if i want to sleep peacefully at night
guess that's the highlight of my month? won't dwell too much on the negative shits because (1) i can't really remember them aotm, and (2) i don't want to remember them anymore
in case of a relapse, however, i would definitely head straight here and let out everything i think about
THAT'S IT FOR OCTOBER, THANK YEW
bubhyYEE
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wake me up when september ends . . .
this late is post this post is late (so sabaw) because someone forgot to wake me up,,,
KIDDING
hallo, people of the tumblrland ;)
remember when i said in the previous post that i was in the province again? yes, ya girl came back <3
i always say to my friends (or whoever may be there to listen to my nonstop blabbering) that i feel like im a plant--na it is hard for me to adjust once i've developed my roots somewhere. i can't really explain it right now but you get the point (hopefully). and this one's particularly a huge thing because it's my first time travelling without any adult (as if im not an adult myself) supervision :D
the ride there was fun and exciting, i was relaxed the whole time and the travel time was shorter than i've expected, so i was estastic when we arrived hehe
i stayed there for twenty-one days, and i really cant put into words how relaxed i was there. well, there were some instances when the world has required too much of me. but i would very much like not to focus on those because it would just obscure how happy i was with this vacation.
looking back now, i think that in a way, it has changed something within me. i don't know, but know i feel less dependent towards other people (especially my parents; everyone knows im a big babie) and i think it's an achievement because hello??? i think i was still stuck to the seventeen year old me who's supposed to be enjoying her last year free of real-world responsibilities. the pandemic robbed me three years of my life that was intended for me to explore and slowly make my way towards adulthood.
so, yeah. that's a little realization from me.
im not really by myself there, my aunt (whom i call mommy because she's literally one of the mother-like figures i have in my life) is there and her family, i also have the father's side of relatives. i have a lot of people there taking care of me. but there's this certain feeling of independence--that i need to look after myself because no one will do it for me.
i don't know if any of these would make sense because while i am writing this, my lids are slowly becoming droopy, like it was begging for a 15-minute nap.
anyway, i won't really dwell much on my province journey because i promise (PROMISE) will write a separate post, maybe within the week? but i will
the ride back was the most heart-wrenching for me. i was crying for the first thirty minutes (or more, idk anymore) of the ride because i was so sad that i had to leave the little life i had there for twenty-one days. some may say im overreacting, but its twenty-one days!!! i have learned in high school from my mapeh teacher (hi mam cess) that it takes a person twenty-one days to be accustomed to a habit to the point that beyond that, they would already do it unconsciously.
imagine my horror when i was only given a day of rest after a fourteen-hour bus ride before i was forced to be an adult and do errands for the rest of the week?????? like???
anyway though, i pushed through, and now its the fifth day of october and school has started :( vacation is over, but the longing is still here
i guess this is longer than i have expected,,, maybe because i have missed writing in freestyle form :D and also because i think i have a lot to say at the moment as i am avoiding a certain academic task that requires me to think
all in all, september was a happy one. its a huge thing for me to call it happy because ive never felt that happy the whole month. i feel like the universe really gave me my well-deserved break from the world and let me realize things on my own.
i think that's all? i'll blabber more on my vacation post which, hopefully, would be really up this week hehe
babye, world! i'm going back to hiding :D
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salt air . . .
hello lovely people!!
lizzie here is back with another monthly report of how august literally slipped away into a moment of time,,,
so today is september sixth, and im in the province again :D
HAHSHDADHJKADHKJA my family has decided that it was high time that i learn how to travel on my own (well, papunta is not really on my own kasi i am with someone but) and exist in a place without my mother and my sister for weeks
anyway, enough of that because it's for next month's report
this year's august was by far the most... how do i put this.. calm? serene? peaceful? august i had since the pandemic
i don't know why, maybe because it's really the place?
this year's august was a good one because i spent it with the people who really mattered in my life. i enjoyed my time meeting relatives (the non toxic ones, those who don't really drain my social battery) and my friends whom i missed so much because of damn uni
also,,, hHHAHSHDAHDHASH i am cringing as i type this but i had developed a little crush on someone (which, as days passed by, was reduced to only hiya iDK WHY THAT HAPPENED HAHSHASHA) and i won't go much into details as to how this happened because it makes me jumpy (and i might summon his presence because he's around huHUHU)
anyway enough of that HAHDHADHAH
i think it's safe to say that august is my healing month :D in all aspects, it was when i was able to rest.
the past few months had been so stressful for me that i hadn't noticed the simple things that can make me happy. i was so focused on things which turned out to be irrelevant in the bigger picture that i forgot to celebrate small wins.
and august has taught me that each passing time should be cherished and not to be taken for granted because all of it will soon be memories that we can only look back on (wrong grammar yata pero whatever)
ayun lang i think? HHASHDAH its currently 11:30 pm and i am kinda antok na so i guess i'll end it here ahsjdhasjdha
thank you, august.
it was definitely mine. :D
#lizzie is alive thank god#lizzie updates#august 2023#THINK ABOUT THE SUMMER ALL THE BEAUTIFUL TIMES
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chooly, oh, the month that you are
AH I MISSED WRITING KSKKSSK
so anyway today's the second day of the salt air szn and i'm trying to recall everything that i have done for the past month.
okay i guess i'll continue this tomorrow as i browse my phone gallery to recall everything ksksks
OKAY DAYS LATER
its august seven, and im just starting to browse my july eheheh
so july kinda merged with my august, especially since i'm on vacation so its kinda blurry
but the busyness of june continued until july 26th, also the first day of my (self-proclaimed) vacation :D
okay so as i've mentioned, july was a busy one too.
spent the day finishing tasks and overthinking about certain stuff (also academics fml) but hey i pulled through
july was also the month of sntv, so i was able to listen to my fave childhood songs again, but with different feels. it was surreal and i've listened to the album and sang our hearts out!! it was a great experience <333 aside from this, we also talked about the things we can't talk over messenger so it was a day well spent (with my social battery still intact ;))
then i spent the following days eating and eating and stressing about the remaining requirements that i should accomplish to feel the academic validation i crave hehe
then i also had my last week of face-to-face classes and it was draaaaaaining because of final exams, presentations, and whatnots. i can't express the stress i've felt but let me just say that it was EXHAUSTING (but my friends made it bearable).
then fast forward to july 25, kung kailan ako nagtakas from my responsibilities in school ehehehe. i took my final exam in one subject sa bus (yes, with the help of my beloved people) and then tada, vacation mode on :D
vacation me is somewhat of a ghost,, like i just float here and there with absolutely zero self-awareness because i have my family to guide me where to go
WHERE WAS I
im sorry, i was briefly interrupted by yet another spontaneous family layas kaskdkfsjdfskjdf
OKAY I THINK ILL CONTINUE MY CHIKKA ABOUT MY VACATION IN A SEPARATE POST (?) (pROMISES, promises *roll eyes*) because that's basically it??
thank you for your service, july! hadn't expected you to be this generous to me ;)
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i am very lazy
hey guys it's already august, and i haven't had the time to write the june summary because i am friggin tired of school works that i suddenly felt like im out of words??? you get me? it's like the requirements (ESSAYS, FUCKING ESSAYS) i've written these past few months just sucked the fun out of words and i just cant seem to bring myself to write a single thing here,,,
anyway ill try to write a short summary here:
june, as far as i can remember, is eventful
the face to face classes have started and i was still adjusting because it has been years since i last experienced going to school
yeah, sure, it may be the same school. but . . . i cant explain why it still feels different to me.
anyway, june is a busy month because our professors were finally complete and they thought that it'd be good to give us requirements all at once :D
june is also when one of my comfort fics (bem) is born out of a brainrot (aka my failed dream to be a doctor) HAHSHSHSA so i kinda have mixed feelings about this month
ANYWAY I GUESS that's all i could remember, my memory's hazy especially when it involves school so that's just it
see you in a few days for the july check in because i'm sure it's gonna be hELLA LONG ksksks
OKAY BYE
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HULLO
this is just short i just wrote in on my phone and hit publish after but the blue bird app has put a temporary limit on my media consumption liKE HOW DARE THEY DECIDE FOR ME anyways so i think im gonna camp here for a few days because for the love of me i can’t shut my damn mouth
anyway i was supposed to upload my monthly evaluation but i rested so ya know #selfcare HAHAHDKDHKSJS
i think it’ll be up tomorrow (HOPEFULLY) and i really wish we won’t have any class tomorrow so that i can fix my life as, again, i chose myself today
i guess that’s it i just went here and typed everything my brain tells me to do so while listening to better man hay i’m weird
ps: oh anyway i think i started this one in july last year??? so congratulations, i guess??
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may the odds continue to be in my favor
whaddup, everyone! it's ya girl lizzie, super early on her monthly update!!! yes, today's june the first, and i am already writing this one. (also i plan to finish this today i hope my brain does not sabotage me)
may is very exhausting.
i had to be the adult the society (esp my family) expects me to be, and i am outside way too much for my liking which definitely messed up my brain composition
in a nutshell, may is a month for adulting. i did a lot of big girl stuff this month i am proud as hell of myself
the first two weeks of may were kinda laylow, like my responsibilities became clearer the moment the month shifted from may to april. there were celebrations and responsibilities were forgotten temporarily for the festivities. i spent the days writing, reading, and obsessing about fictional characters. (s/o to king george, you're still in my heart as of this writing)
the surge of endorphins and dopamine made it possible for me to produce several writings (albeit short) and recover from my three-month-phase of self-loathing, which typically occurs during january to march of each year. i tried to understand myself more, really use my brain to produce productive thoughts and not let myself down.
well, it worked. at least for the first two weeks.
the last to weeks of this month were tedious. deadlines were lined up and it did not help that our first face to face week was announced a week before, which only leaves my whole being not enough time to prepare for the said meetings.
it has been days since i last wrote and read, and it sucks.
i feel different. i don't...glow? i don't know how to explain it, but i was empty again. at this point, i'm already starting to believe that my happiness literally comes from words placed beside each other to support one delusion of mine.
anyway, i am now trying to focus on my school responsibilities one at a time, and i am not losing hope that one day, i hope sooner, i will be back to my element because it honestly sucks to do everything, bare minimum.
the world may not deserve me, but i deserve to give myself and my existence justice.
that's all, i guess. i am sleepy so i'll let myself nap first before i begin on my task for today.
BABYE AND I PROMISE TO DROP BY SOMETIMES :D
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april has been a month of recuperation
hello, it's ya girl again, back with another yet again, late update on her month
today's already the eleventh, and i have only found the courage to write here despite having a very, dare i say messy, brain with a lot of thoughts swarming, trying to fit into my little brain
as i have mentioned in my previous mandatory monthly updated, i have been sick for a month (everything that can go wrong went wrong) so i spent this whole month trying to catch up with life and cheering myself up
albeit slowly, i somehow managed to go back to my footing (not entirely, sure, but well, its the thought that counts) and start appreciating life again
april is when i rediscovered my likes, my hobbies (i wrote again, it's a big thing), and started to feel better about myself again
minor inconveniences were inevitable, of course, but i can pretty much say this month was much better than the last--i was healthier, i was slightly happier, and my mind was cleared a little bit
i have posted several updates, i think, for the past weeks of april, but i did not really divulge into detail as i was expecting myself to remember them all for this major summary. however, though, my pea-sized brain cannot be trusted, so here i am, narrating everything with vague details.
can i just say, though, that april may mark the end of "the phase" and that i am slowly going back to the way i was years ago, before all the pandemic fiasco. i'd gladly want to go back to the old me, minus the mindset because i am sure as hell i've grown so much than i had for a few years. you know, just my way towards things--how i react, how i speak, how i act. i just want to be that girl again.
anyway, april is the month that i took care of myself seriously, like seriously. however, towards the end, i found it hard to be consistent with everything. this relapse is normal, so i try not to make myself feel bad.
in a nutshell, i used april as my recovery month, and i hope that may would be as good, if not better.
see you in a few, i guess
BYE APRILLL
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guess i failed
HAHAHAHA it's already the third, and i wasn't able to do it last sunday, then i became busy the next few days
i'll try my very very best today :> i just need to feel sum accomplishment today
OKAY ILL BE A GOOD STUDENT FIRST
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soooo hi
today's the thirtieth, and i think i would be able to do my monthly report (now that sounds like a school requirement) today, i just need to not feel sleepy because i tend to not have the exact words for everything
ok i'll be back later i'll just finish these shits (a.k.a. lecture videos that has been in my to do for weeks)
SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATORR
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holy fuck
yeah, my mood for this whole day
i woke up a happy girl, but i am ending the day with unnecessary tears fuck this life kkskdfkdsfksd
wow apparently i also dont have the words to describe this nagging feeling i have inside me
i honestly don't know what went wrong, i just know that i dont uRGH my mind is not working
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hi?
what better version?
march has been a bitch
hello and welcome to my monthly recap of my crappy life
IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS
i know im sorry but i just can't find the courage to write because i don't have the words to describe everything (plus i am sick as hell so i literally can't stay in front of the computer or my phone that much)
so anyway march is a very chaotic month as i hadn't even had the time to rest after a looooong first semester before finding myself thrown into another one
as i was grieving over my grades (i am looking at you w*n* and m*rd*k*), i also took all the naps i could get, which then made it harder for me to sleep in nights (ugh my life) and idk, i fell into as what i'd like to call "the phase" aka i am not sad i just don't want to do anything (which still persists as of april 14) i even promised myself to finish a wip i started a week after finals and guess what,,,, *cobwebs*
i just don't have the motivation... the drive... i don't know, i feel like i am just getting things done because i am running on auto pilot like i am just doing things for the sake of doing it and not because i really want it
IS THIS MIDLIFE CRISIS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DIE AT 40
so anyway aside from the never-ending visits to the doctor, i used march to catch up on my watching list, which, unfortunately, is unsuccesful.
see? march is really a bitch
i guess it's not really my month?????
plus also i had too many realizations in march
i miss the people i used to eat with during lunch, and we had too many missed opportunities to see each other again. and i am afraid that if i see them... i won't... recognize?? them.. like
I CAN'T EXPLAIN OKAY but super layo na ng loob ko sa kanila (lalo na sa iba) kasi they have a lot going on in their lives and since we're not talking, ang outdated na ng version nila sa head ko (YKWIM)??
ANYWAY THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT THEM IT'S ABOUT ME BECAUSE I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER
to sum it up, march has been a handful. i only get one okay day a week, we spent the last three days of the month shopping for school supplies (ONLY to be disappointed, but you'll know in about... 15 days because it'll be featured in the april issue), and i just spent each waking day trying to feel better
this is a short one because i'm not really in the mood to, you know, write, but I HOPE HOPE THAT I'LL FIND THAT SPARK AGAIN SOONEST
march has not been a great one, but i hope the next one's gonna me amazeballs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BYE
(this is fun hadshhdahaha i'll start doing this)
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welcome to daily lizze
HAHAHAHA just kidding i dont think i can write here daily
god i just left this draft here for weeks im a bad blogger am i (it has been here since the twelfth are you kidding me)
i am very exhausted today (twentininth) hence the lack of words (but irl i just blabber because that’s how i am when i am tired) but im gonna write my march summary in two days so im pretty sure ill be back here because i hate breaking traditions (if lazyness will not go out of their way to hinder me from writing nonsense here)
anyway we went to the mall to buy some stuff and i sure as hell can confirm that i am only excited to use these things in uni and not for uni itself ^_^ i just can’t think of how my life’s gonna change after the 5-day holiday next week so i guess i have to start developing healthy habits because this girl right here is still definitely not ready for the second semester
i thunk that’s all for now im rewatching b99 one of my comfort series of all time and i want to thank my short-term memory because it feels like im watching it from the beginning again, only now with feelings and love for the characters
AND before i forget i started a mini project that i have yet to continue (because my brain suddenly lost the drive to write them) and i plan to continue updating it for the next few days i hope my brain cooperates
niway that’s all, everybody!!!
ciao ciao
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