wow three days back on this account and im already venting.

Pretty Girl | 4. last goodbye

1. pretty girl. | 2. lover, you should’ve come over | 3. been on my mind | 4. last goodbye | 5. hold my hand

warnings: cursing, discussions of an ed (if that’s not something you want to read, you can skip this chapter and read the next one!)

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enews Do we see some drama raining on the new couple's parade? After they publically announced their relationship, Y/n Y/l/n"s ex Davey George was interviewed with Vouge and cast some light on the previously dark recent breakup scandal. Here are some of the highlights we collected for you.

About their relationship: "She was distant throughout the relationship. Call it prioritizing her career, but it just felt like I was a second thought. Which, you know, is funny, considering how it felt like I was the one doing her a favor by going out with her in the first place. I mean, she was a mess when we first got together. Crying all the time, shit like that. It felt like she couldn't be real around me because of how much she was upset about a breakup that I got the impression she didn't even care about... It was one guy after the other, for her, with a few girls mixed in, and I can see why nothing ever stuck. Good luck to Seresin, though."

About the breakup: "Things got bad, quick. One day, she was cuddling with me and watching movies, the next she can't stand to see me and is fucking around with some guy behind my back...I should've expected it from someone like her. All I did was take care of her, and she tossed me aside. Literally. She threw my shit out the window, changed the locks, the whole nine yards. Wouldn't even listen when I tried to explain myself."

About the recent announcement: "Shit, man, I can't say I'm surprised. She ran out of guys not in her friend group to fuck. All I can say is that Bradshaw and Machado better watch the fuck out. Even her best friend's man isn't out of the picture...It won't last long, though. Her shit'll get in the way like it always does. First, she'll stop being fun, then she'll stop eating. All the crap you'd expect from a model, right?"

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jakeyswiffe this is absolutely horrible

daveyyyy i knew there was some reason he was so upset, what a bitch

y/nsgirl anyone else smell bs?

bradbradbob she better stay away from bradley

-> natasha_pho for reallll

seresinhangman did he really say all of this?? i knew he was a shitty person

models_uno she sounds horrible omg

y/nhubby damn this is so disappointing to hear, stay safe out there guys

jakeeee_s okay but anyone else upset that he talked about her ed like that??

-> callieslove definitely

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Messages

you: i didn’t cheat on him

jakey: baby

you: i didn’t do it i swear

you: i don’t want you to think i would do something like that

jakey: i know you didn’t

jakey: he’s a goddamn liar

jakey: and that’s not what i’m worried about

you: what are you worried about?

you: i mean i’m dedicated to my job but it won’t get in the way or anything

jakey: i’m not worried about that either

you: ??

jakey: honey

jakey: have you eaten today?

you: yes

jakey: i’m gonna ask again

jakey: have you eaten today?

you: i said yes

you: is this about what davey said?

jakey: is it true?

you: some of it

you: i’m better than i used to be

jakey: okay

jakey: why didn’t you tell me?

you: it’s not that easy

you: and i didn’t think it was important

jakey: how could this not be important

you: i don’t my ed to be the thing that defines me

you: i already have enough labels, i didn’t need any more

jakey: that has nothing to do with us though

jakey: it’s not like i would tell anyone

you: you would look at me different

you: everyone does when they find out

jakey: i don’t see you any different

jakey: i’m not like all of your shitty exes

you: really?

you: that’s what you want to bring up?

jakey: i didn’t mean it like that and you know it

you: sure

jakey: i’m just saying that i’m different from them

jakey: i care about you and i don’t want to see you get hurt

you: oh, haven’t you heard?

you: apparently i’m going to be the one to hurt you and throw you out of my apartment

jakey: come on

jakey: don’t be like that

you: i’m not being like anything

you: i’m going to sleep

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Messages

you: are you busy?

tash: not particularly

you: i need a tasha hug

tash: babe you’re in new york

tash: but i can get a plane ticket

you: not if you have anything important

tash: come on

tash: you’re more important than anything else

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You put down your phone and curl up further into the mess of blankets and pillows that you’ve scattered around your bed. Even thought it’s night, the city noise is still going strong outside, but you’re high up enough for it to be a distant, pleasant hum other than it’s actual chaotic bustle. It’s one of the perks of having enough money to buy yourself an apartment as high as you want.

Your PR manager told you to lay low for a while, not because you did anything wrong, but because it would give her time to figure out a way to take this into your hands. You can’t complain; you’re not sure you would be up for doing much right now.

It’s not like this was anything unexpected. Eventually- because Davey never could stand not having attention- someone was going to say something about you. You’ve finally come to accept that, in your line of work, you don’t really have room for secrets.

But right now, it feels so overwhelming. You’ve had exes share details about you before (the whole world knows that you hide in closets at parties when you want alone time), but it’s never been anything as…personal.

And then there’s Jake. The conversation you had earlier with him didn’t exactly go as you wanted it to, and now, for the first time in weeks, he’s in San Diego while you’re in New York. It had been pre-planned for you to go back to your apartment for a while and for him to get enough space in his house for you to move in some of your stuff, but the timing feels abrupt. You have your first fight and you can’t even look him in the eye. You can’t make up with a few words and a kiss, and he can’t sweep you off your feet in a bear-like hug.

You could break first and ask him to come to New York. But after some of the things he said, you’re not sure if you want to be that person. For your whole career, you’ve been positioned as a girl who chases after the guy until he’s too boring. With Jake, it hadn’t been like that. It had been a whirlwind, and you undeniably wanted him just as much as he wanted you, but it had also been easy.

It’s always been true that no matter how mad at Jake you are, you still want him by your side. But do you still want him by your side if he doesn’t trust you? If he thinks you’re keeping secrets from him based on one interview, how can something long-term possibly last? If he can’t be supportive when you need him to be, then how can you stay with him?

You’re not embarrassed or ashamed of your history with food. It’s something you’ve been struggling with for years, and you can proudly say that you’re much better now than you used to be. But that doesn’t meant that you haven’t had setbacks. While you were dating Davey, there was a particularly hard shoot. Your body, which you’re used to being on display, hadn’t looked how you wanted it to look, especially compared to the other women you worked with. Against them, you didn’t feel like you deserved to be on the cover of any magazine.

So you’d skipped meals. It didn’t start intentionally. It was hardest on lazy days when you didn’t have anything planned. It was so easy to tell yourself that you didn’t need food, and Davey wasn’t around enough to notice or help you. It was a hard time, but, with help from Natasha, you’d gotten yourself out of the situation. Part of that meant getting rid of Davey, which turned out exactly how you thought it would: with him telling the world about all your flaws.

Tossing and turning throughout most of the night, you end up falling asleep with Jake’s hoodie underneath your head.

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tasha.trace added to their story

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y/n.username i’m so so proud and humbled to have been included in this project. taylor, thank you for choosing me to be a part of your beautiful, tragic vision. it came at just the right time for me. all too well (10 minute version) (taylor’s version) the short film out now. 🧣 good luck, babes.

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y/n.fan what did he do to her 😭

roo_bradshaw so proud of you ♥️

taylorswift Working with your was a dream ♥️

-> natashasgirll uhh new moms just dropped?

tasha.trace i love you!!

tasha.trace i’m gonna cry i adore you

bob.bob.floyd this is amazing! you’re unstoppable

the_real_taytay IM SCREAMIMG AHHHH

halo_cal_bass my god i love you but why would you make me watch that i’m sobbing

penny.benny Way to go!

jakeyswifee she doesn’t post anything for a month then drops this, love a chaos queen

-> tasha.trace i support all of her chaos

maverick.mitchell You’ve now convinced me: you can do anything.

model_y/n oh you can tell that she’s not acting in some scenes

model_y/n don’t let jake see this

swiftietaylor the combo i didn’t know i needed

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Messages

javy: hey

javy: i’m proud of you!

you: thanks :))

javy: he really misses you, you know

javy: i know he was an idiot

javy: and that probably hasn’t changed

javy: but he’s a mess

javy: and he’s sorry for whatever he did

you: he didn’t tell you?

javy: he wouldn’t say a thing

you: did he ask you to say this?

javy: he’s too proud to do that

javy: as his best friend, i know when he’s suffering and when he’s too stubborn to admit he was wrong

javy: right now he’s both

you: right

you: thanks for telling me

javy: at least let him know you’re okay

javy: are you okay?

you: i am

you: i do miss jake though

javy: tell him that

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It’s been a month. A month of throwing yourself into your work and trying to pretend that whatever was happening with Jake, wasn’t happening. You thought that the fight would blow over. He would apologize, or you would make him apologize, and you would be back to spending your days staring into his ocean eyes.

But every-time you thought about reaching out, you could never convince yourself to actually reach out and accept his hand. He’s tried to talk to you, through text messages and missed calls, but you’ve stayed strong.

Then you got the opportunity of a lifetime to work with Taylor on a short film, and that was the distraction you needed to clear the anger and the fog of grief from out of your mind. Being in such an emotional, raw project allowed you to feel your own emotions as well as dip into your character’s. Tasha’s been with you the whole time, sometimes physically and sometimes virtually when she had to work. Callie’s been there too; she even made a girls trip up to New York despite being in the middle of a directing project. If any of the other Mav’s have felt awkward talking to you, they haven’t shown it. The only difference has been the lack of Jake.

Now, you’re starting to doubt if it’s worth it to keep up the lack of communication. Jake’s been part of your life for so long, and you miss him. You kind of wish there was something deeper behind it, but it’s really that simple: you miss Jake. More often than not you find yourself asking the question is it really worth it to miss him when you could try and sort out the misunderstanding?

If Javy’s telling the truth and Jake really is a mess, like you are, then maybe it’s time to reach out. Surely you can sort this out, right? You can explain your side like an adult, and Jake can tell you his.

You still think- no, you know, that he was wrong to say what he said. But part of you recognizes now that he had been hurting just like you had. Now that the drama has died down, you find yourself wanting Jake to come back, mistakes and all.

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you: hey

you: do you want to talk?

jakey: i would love to

jakey: call me?

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A/n: how’s everyone feeling? lots of big emotions here lol

taglist lovelies: @rosiahills22 @fangirlvibez @djs8891 @shanimallina87 @abaker74

I have the nexplanon arm bar insert so I don’t get periods very often. But today I did. For the first time in 5 months. Fuck this. Science should have beat this by now! Prioritize women’s medicine! And while I have you here: sedate women for IUDs!!

Holy shit when I got my insert they asked if I had any questions and I asked “does it hurt” and she’s like “huh, that’s a good question”. Bitch, yes or no! I can take it if you fucking warn me. Why do doctors not care about our pain? They’re totally blind to it like we’re oranges they’re practicing stitches on.

Then they just numbed it locally and told me to look away. They fucking sliced my arm and stuck a plastic bit in there and then made me feel it because you’re supposed to be able to feel it. Blech. Then they cleaned me up and sent me on my way like I didn’t just get minor surgery. And I had to drive myself 45 minutes home and my arm hurt SO BAD.

Just be honest with me and tell me to get someone to drive me home because I’ll be sore after. Then I couldn’t lift my arm to type for 3 days! I would have just taken off of work if I knew there was a recovery time. I can no long cross my arms naturally because my right hand would tuck under my arm and hit my insert, I can’t rest hand on the center console in the car because mg inner upper arm would rest against the seat. I can’t lay on my left side in bed anymore. If I had known it would affect all these things, I would have put it in my right arm! But there is no thought to care outside of the doctors office.

There’s no consideration for women’s pain at all. My nexplanon story is still WAY better than any IUD story I’ve heard, even when it goes well! Birth control is a nightmare and medicine needs to speed the fuck up in making not having babies less horrific. Because having babies is most horrific of all! Why can’t there be one option that doesn’t feel like a punishment? It would be a bad idea for me to become pregnant because my body can’t handle it. My periods are so painful and debilitating, even when I only get them three times a year. I’ve found that the arm bar insert is the best option for me because remembering to take the pill at the same time every day was something I found stressful. Now I don’t have to think about it for 5 years, that’s great. I love having the option to not get pregnant, I just wish it wasn’t so awful and that doctors cared more about patient pain, but because it’s about women having sex, it’s too taboo to even think about making it easy and comfortable

082723

2:17PM

It’s Sunday and I’m feeling a little better after I worked. Today didn’t start out on the best foot. I started crashing at Dianas this weekend and it been fine because I work but last night she went out and left me the key. She said she would be back shortly but to keep my ringer on. I stayed up for a few hours and got no word from her. Once I finally fell asleep I kept checking my phone to see if she called but didn’t. I woke up at 5am and see she still didn’t call. I didn’t notice that my phone was on do not disturb and fell back asleep. Then I felt someone shaking me calling me a bitch. I couldn’t understand what was wrong. It was Diana and she said she kept calling me and that she was stuck outside and had to call her dad because I chad the key. I look everywhere for my phone and once I found it I saw she had been calling for about 25 minutes. The way she was acting made it seem like longer. It was 6AM and she just kept pushing me and calling me a bitch and laughing. I was getting irritated because I had woken up to this. Of course I felt bad but she hadn’t communicated to me all night. I had no idea what time she old be home and forgot my phone was do not disturb. I smelt her breath and realized she was drunk. She just kept calling me a bitch and laughing and I just apologized trying to explain myself. She said she was gonna get me my own key but I was just irritated and wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep in peace. So I told her I was going to the gym. I pulled up to the gym and basically fell asleep for two more hours. I woke up irritated because Kehanna kept calling me wanting me to tell her blessings. I didn’t mind that either but she kept trying to get me to be positive when I wasn’t in a gleeful mood. I’m not ungrateful about anything but I’m not gonna be fake positive when I’m not in the best of moods. People kept coming around my car and looking at it and ignoring me sitting right there. I was starting to get more and more irritated. Now I’ve showered, ate and am feeling a bit better. I’m not sure if I want to go back to Dianas tonight. I know that I can’t wait to go to Trels and have some alone time for the week. I know its not gonna last forever Diana said she’s going to Baltimore for all of September and I can crash in her room. Like I said I think I just need some alone time. I don’t plan on living like this much longer. At Max November. So it’s only two more months, maybe that I have to do what I’ve already been doing all summer. Plus next week I’ll have more alone time and place to myself. I’m ready to dance tonight. I really want to show Kolanie how tapped in I can be. I’m actually going to go practice the dance right now. Despite my living situation being unstable. I am trying to learn that I can take dance and tap in anywhere. My instruments are music and my body while can follow me anywhere, at work after work before something anytime I can decided to tap in and dance better. I wish I would have worked on it all week but here we are. With 3hrs and a half until I need to start heading to The Room, I’m prioritizing tapping into dance. Like I said with my living situation being unastable right now, this is the perfect time to use dance as the rock for me. I think because I think I can only dance well is when I have is all together vs, I can dance and show up to dance regardless of what’s going on in my life is the theme of the summer and I will past this test.

completely unwhump related vent under the cut I just need to write this out to process and if you have suggestions or advice it would be welcome

okay so for the past couple of years I’ve been helping out an elderly woman (mid 80s) who lives across my street. it started with about an hour around dinner time every day— lifting heavy pots, washing dishes, doing trips up and down stairs for her to grab her things. she paid me minimum wage for my time, and it was honestly lovely. she’s eccentric, and has a lot of particularities but she liked me and it was a nice lil change of pace and change of scenery.

during this time I was really struggling with my chronic illness. I was losing weight rapidly, wasn’t diagnosed, wasn’t treated, and getting weaker but I liked helping her, partially cause again, it was nice to get out of the house (this is during Covid) it was nice to have a friend when I was so limited due to my own illness, it was nice to help her, and selfishly speaking, it was nice to feel like I was still contributing. It felt good to make a little money and help someone when otherwise I was really struggling feeling useless. my friends had all just graduated and were getting grown up jobs, or moving out, or pursuing further education but my life was on hold. but helping her gave me some purpose.

flash forward and she fires the PSW she had for a while. tbf she was a bitch, and deserved to be fired. however, due to her eccentricities and sensitivities she rejected all other PSW candidates and asked if I could also take on the role of cleaning her entire house every other week, helping her with groceries the weeks I wasn’t cleaning, and doing her laundry. it was a lot for me, but I decided to do it, cause she didn’t have anyone else, and I could make a little more money.

over the years I have had I think three near fainting incidents at her house. two were resolved I think by my mom coming over and bringing me juice, but one ended up with collapsing on my neighbour’s lawn, my dad having to drive a van over (even though our house is about 30feet away) and carry me into the van to get me home, and when it couldn’t be resolved ended in a hospital trip. I’ve also gone in so much pain that I went to help her and then afterwards went to the ER, where even IV morphine didn’t touch my pain. but I still prioritized seeing her before receiving care. (this is not me trying to make a hero of myself, this is not healthy behaviour on my part, I really need to set boundaries and take care of myself, this is not cool and cute of me it is a problem). I’ve also been in the hospital and not told her and gone straight to her place afterwards. If I make a commitment to someone or something, I just take it pretty seriously even when sometimes I should deviate from it.

Fortunately, my health is finally improving but I am not back to 100%. My recovery time is faster after doing activities, I’ve been getting out more, I’m starting to have a little bit of a life again, but I still definitely have limits.

Recently she injured her leg. We don’t know how, but it’s been pretty bad. And suddenly I am at her beck and call. I’ve been over there morning noon and night, helping her up and down stairs, on and off the toilet, doing meals for her, cleaning, transferring, the list goes on. I am on my feet a lot of the day, visits that are supposed to be brief go on and on. I really really struggle with standing still for very long, more than walking, and much of what I’m doing there involves standing for long periods of time. Because she wants me over there so often and every single day, I don’t have any recovery time so everything is just compounding. I am in so much pain myself, and I am exhausted.

Today my mom came over because I have a hard time advocating for myself and we chatted with her and kinda explained that the current increase is hard for me, and she’s not receiving it the best. The manipulation has suddenly been turned on and it’s like— she’s telling me that I’m tired because of my physio and I shouldn’t do so much physio, and I just need better shoes, or I’m in pain because of the floors at MY house, or blah blah blah— she also thinks I shouldn’t go back to school in the fall cause I’m not healthy enough, which frankly isn’t her business— she can be concerned, sure, but obviously there is an ulterior motive. She wants me around for another year to take care of her. She also suggested that I stop doing things that are too fun because I might get overexcited and wear myself out. LADY. I am 23. My early 20s so far have consisted of trying not to die of starvation and taking care of an elderly woman, and now that I’m finally feeling a bit better I just want to literally go for walks and look at animals and volunteer at the wildlife rescue. I’m not even gonna stop helping her, I just can’t be her full time caregiver. Because I’m 23. I’m not related to her. I’m not qualified to give the care she needs. I’m not healthy enough.

She also whipped out the “I think it would be easier if I wasn’t around” and it’s like, ughh, let’s not talk like that. I genuinely do love her. I often half joke that my best friend is an 86 year old, and she really has become one of my best friends. This injury though which is only like a week or so old has just put way too much pressure on me. Ive never had any tension with her until now, or really even any frustration. I know she’s scared, and I know I’ve become one of her safe people, but physically and mentally I can’t do this much for her. I feel so trapped, and I know she’s manipulating me a bit but it is kinda working because the issue is I do like her outside of this new incident. Because I care about her even though I know she’s being kinda slimy, it still makes me feel bad. She does genuinely need help it just can’t be from me to the degree that it is.

And even though she wants me to not return to school she’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when I do. plus my family just wants to yell at me for being too much of a pussy to stand up for myself bruh idk but my health is already taking steps back and I can’t do this shit anymore but she just can’t get it through her head

....hi :)

I didn't realise a whole month had gone by 😭 school started in august and I've been feeling like shit lately, so I just didnt want to come on tumblr. I was in a state where I felt like crying... pretty much all the time.

BUT I am doing much better now so I'm back!! I missed yoongi and y/n and I thought today's finally the day I read the chapters I've missed. I'm so, so sorry for disappearing out of the blue. I felt so bad about it, and I always meant to stay up and read it at night but I was so exhausted I fell asleep right away.

I'll try to come back to tumblr regularly again, though I can't promise anything. Fingers crossed!!

Now, back to my lovelies :( i missed them

(I'm going to read chapter 15 for now)

OH RIGHT THE MYSTERY MAN I nearly forgot

Oh, it's so cute how she still cares for him even though she knows nothing about him. She's worried that he might not have moved on, oh sweetheart :(((

Doyun my LOVE I missed you too mUAH <3

These dreams are starting to frustrate me too, I can only imagine how y/n feels. Like, why NOW of all times?? Leave her and yoongi in peace so they can have their love story 😭😭

EVEN DOYUN'S SHIPPING THEM PLEASE

Doyun's being practical with her advice, I like that. As a hoarder myself, i hate letting go of shit whether it's memories or physical things, but eventually, sometimes you just... have to. It's better than spending your time being frustrated about it

AHHH the world building, those little stories and fairytales I love it

Minhee :( Doyun, sweetheart... I want to hug her :((

AHSHSHS IT ISNT A LOD CHAPTER IF Y/N ISNT SHITTING ON HIM FOR HIS POSTURE it's so funny help-

I already knew yoongi was always a sweetheart, but this just confirms it. I love hearing stories of when people were kids, it's just so sweet and it tells you so much about a person

"Badmouth his family and he'll get furious" why do I feel like this is foreshadowing 💀💀 y/n's going to say some stupid shit about his mother or brother and they're gonna fight, I'm calling it

Y/N SWEETHEART CALL YOURSELF A BOTHER ONE MORE TIME I FUCKING DARE YOU just you wait until I get myself into your world I'm going to give you the biggest, sweetest hug you've ever had

Bro all the symbolism and connections with the solarian lore, it's so cool

Please why do I relate with y/n's thoughts so often. We're the same kind of messed up-

HELP THEYRE BOTH IN DENIAL

I love the way yoongi and y/ns thoughts practically mirror each other, they're always thinking similar things and they're both so cute-

Yo he finally straightened his posture. All you need to say is "yn was talking about you" and the mf straightens immediately-

NO yoongi so WHAT if she's darlarean you son of a bitch (I say this while because I can't put all my thoughts down in writing. Part of me is sympathising with him while the other part is screaming at him, my brain is a very jumbled mess doing two things at once)

It's so funny, they have such sweet thoughts then immediately try to justify them in entire paragraphs full of half-assed logic, just say you're whipped and go 😭😭

LMAO DOYUN'S RETELLING IS PURE GOKD

Hwayoung really does sound like y/n, it's so cuteRiding off towards the sun??? Y/n, babe, this is your reincarnation I'm sure of it

Y/NS NEVER CALLED HIM BY HIS NAME??? ABSOLUTELY NOT WE CANT HAVE THIS I NEED BOTH OF THEM TO GET DRUNK ASAP AND DO EMBARRASSING SHIT TOGETYER

CHANA baby great job as always <333 ill try to read chapter 16 soon when I need to procrastinate from doing my homework

I love you <33333

well, hello there!! i'm sorry you were in that mental state, but it's great to hear that you're fine now :)) don't be sorry about prioritizing your health! i definitely took a break from tumblr as well—things have been pretty hectic at school, so i haven't had as much time to look on social media

ahh yes OC has such a kind heart 😭😭 she be feeling bad for a STRANGER. but then again, is he really a stranger? she def feels guilty for not feeling anything for someone who she should be feeling something for LOL

LMAOO "Leave her and yoongi in peace so they can have their love story" PLEASE. ALSO WBK DOYUN KNOWSSS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING

and yes i very much agree. it's nice to hold onto things, but sometimes you also have to learn to let things go. it can feel more cathartic that way

LMAO OC ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THE GENERAL'S SHITTY ASS POSTURE

omg yes i love hearing childhood stories. i totally agree; it really says a lot about a person ngl

LMAOO NOT YOU RELATING TO OC????

IT'S NOT A SLOW BURN WITHOUT DENIAL? THAT'S LIKE STAGE ONE

eheheheheh it's gonna take a while until she calls him by his name :)))))

i don't want to keep you away from your homework! thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me!! as usual, i really really enjoyed reading through all of your reactions LOL. have a wonderful rest of your day <33333

I view myself as a failure to be honest. A liar and someone who struggles to do what others do easily. When it comes to others, I assume they are better unless proven otherwise. I see myself as inferior to everyone like a baby that people have to boss around and have to tell what to do. I feel like I’m stupid sometimes. I see myself as someone who can never make up their mind and I’m just here to please people. I feel like I have to do something in order to win the affection and attention. I feel like when I enter a room, no one turns their head unless I’m doing something fun or exciting and even at that, they look at my face and lose interest. I feel like someone who guys would be like “Eh, she’s a 3/10. Why would you ever let someone that ugly play you?” But I have this false delusion in my head that I’m pretty but everyone else thinks the opposite. I feel like that friend in the movies that everyone knows is dumb and ugly, but continues to lies to themselves to escape reality. I just feel like I’m lying when I’m confident because I mean look at me? Do I really have the right to feel confident when I look the way I look and act the way I act. I feel like the bitch that people force themselves to be around so she doesn’t get hurt when she figures out no one actually likes her. I feel like loser who never wins even when they try. I feel like someone who tries and tries just to be inferior to everyone around them. I feel like someone who is scared and instead of succeeding in the end, they were right and they end up failing like they thought they would. I feel like someone who struggles with shit that comes easy to everyone else. I feel like someone that’s only made to be a stepping stone for others and is only mean to “defend themselves”, but deep down they are just insecure. The opposite of THAT BITCH or an IT GIRL. I can never see myself in that light. More of the best friend or girl that follows the it girl around and follows her every move knowing she will never amount to the true IT GIRL. I feel like everything and everyone is against me and whatever higher power that’s out there (God) is laughing at me for attempting manifestation knowing I used it as an escape from Christianity. I mean how can I be the god of reality when I’m me? I’m just tasha. I can’t be a god when I’m this pathetic. I couldn’t even manifest a simple eye change and it’s been a year LMAO. I’ve seen others manifest what I want in days. I feel like I’ve made up manifestation in my head and I’m trying to use it with no concrete evidence besides success stories to make me feel better about my horrible life. But even if it was real, I will fall out of it like I did with everything else. Like I did with trying to journal or trying to workout because I’ll end up failing and lying to everyone and telling them I succeed so I look good. I feel like someone who fails and fails and someone who the universe is against LMAO or whatever higher power there is. If it was for me, why haven’t I gotten what I wanted? If I’m a god, why do I feel the way I do about myself? If I’m a god, why do I look the way I do? I don’t capture the beauty I’ve always wanted. I have a long face and droopy eyes THATS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT ANYONE WANTS. And I know people will be like I wish I had your determination. No you don’t because it’s physically hurting me at this point. I keep failing and getting hurt and won’t take no until I finally snap and leave it forever. Until I snap and lie and tell others I finally succeeded. I can’t even decide on what I fucking what. What boss bitch doesn’t know what they want? My determination is all for nothing if I just end up failing and have to cover for myself by saying, “Oh yeah it totally worked out.” Ik self concept but what specifically do I affirm for self concept and how do I affirm it to make it feel natural?

First of all, I'd like to say that I personally understand you, so I know how hard all of this can be.

Now I think you need to start over and really go over the basics of the law. Your external reality will only ever work to prove your assumptions to be true. It will also only reflect to you what you already are. So if you feel / believe that you are unattractive, you will face more circumstances that will make you reaffirm how unattractive you are. It’s pointless to look outside for changes or signs or any evidence that “this is working” because nothing can change before you do. Signs follow, they don't precede. Everything is reflecting your state of being, your awareness. Even your own thoughts and feelings, so pay attention to those.

This is a REALLY long reply so the rest is under the cut

If you were this new person that you want to become, if you were already her, do you think she would be seeing herself in this way? Do you think she would be thinking that she can’t get it right and that she’s a failure and unattractive? If she’s already the person that you want to be, she would know for a fact that she was a success story, she’s living proof of it! She would be focused on enjoying her life the way that she intended to.

There’s only ever one source within you, from which your whole reality is born from. You can’t come from a place of lack and a place of fulfillment at the same time. Like Neville said, you can’t serve two masters. You have to completely let go of your old master, which is your old story. This is the moment to stop everything and really be honest with yourself. Who are you being in this moment? Who were you yesterday? Last week? Last year? And you don’t really need any input from the outside to answer these questions. All of that is within you, in your thoughts, in your reactions, in your feelings, in the way you look at life and others, in your everyday expectations.

But letting go of the old story can be difficult, you’re so attached to it, you identify with it, it’s everything you have ever known. It’s okay, stop punishing yourself and calling yourself a failure over this, that type of attitude won’t help you with anything. I think it’s helpful to understand yourself first, know what you’re feeling and what you want, before you jump into any techniques or quick affirmation fixes that clearly aren’t helping you. You don’t need to be an IT GIRL or a boss bitch if that doesn’t feel right or natural to you. You don’t need to be perfect at everything in order to be successful, fulfilled and happy. Get to know yourself first, understand why you have been thinking and feeling this way and what would you prefer to be, what would you like to feel, in general. We always know what we want to feel, so start there when it comes to your desires.

In my opinion, you can’t really let go of the old story before you accept it first. And I don’t mean to accept it as true and factual of who you are, but accept it in terms of taking responsibility for being the creator of it. You don’t have to love it ofc, but get to a point where you can honestly look at it and say “yeah that sucked but it’s ok, I created it, it doesn’t mean anything else, it was just myself being reflected back to me, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, not even my own really. I didn’t know better.” Make peace with where you are and where you came from before you try to get to any new destinations.

To be god, or the god of your reality does not mean to be perfect and to look like an angel. It means to be the source of everything, to be the one in control, calling the shots. It means that you ARE your reality, you are your experiences, your relationships, your feelings and your thoughts. It means that there is absolutely nothing outside of you, nothing beyond your reach, nothing deciding anything in your life. Whatever you, as god, accepts as true, will be brought to life before your eyes. And you, as god, is the only one keeping everything alive around you, by giving your attention to it. By accepting it and validating it. By believing in it. By feeling it to be true. And your godself, or the god within you is your awareness, your imagination.

Now that you know and accept that you created all this and how you got here, the good news is that you can change it. You can in fact become a different person, that’s part of your power as god. Choose to no longer entertain and accept the concepts about yourself (or about anything else) that you don’t like. It’s only “real” because you accepted it as such, and you proved this acceptance by thinking and feeling from the perspective of those concepts being true. This will probably take a lot of discipline from you, you must become aware of who you are being everyday, and start choosing to think and feel in a different way. No need to “ignore” your 3d world, but rather just remind yourself that you created it, it’s not who you are anymore and it will certainly change, the more you become this new person within. Stop identifying with it and taking it as evidence. It’s not evidence, it’s a side effect.

Ask yourself, who do you want to be today? What do you want to feel like? and then proceed to give it to yourself in your imagination, in whichever way feels best to you (visualizing, feeling, affirming, scripting etc). Make a decision to prioritize giving yourself what you want in your mind everyday, as much as possible. Nothing else matters. Your goal should not be to change the circumstances but rather to change your mind, to change where your feelings and thoughts are coming from. The outside world has no choice but to conform to that, because it’s all you.

You don’t need to add anything into your thoughts (ex: using a bunch of affirmations), but rather just replace what’s already in there with the thoughts you would like to have instead. But know that as you do this everyday, you’re not running away from reality, you are molding it and transforming it, because it simply comes from you.

What you tell others is not relevant unless you assume it is. Remember that your conversations and interactions are also a reflection of you. If anything, take it as lessons, it’s life showing you what you are focusing on and accepting as true.

A key point tho is your discipline and persistence. This is a permanent change and a lifestyle. You can’t jump from one perspective (the new wanted one) and then go back to your old one (the old story, the old master remember?) if you don’t see changes in your outside world after a few days. You must persist in your preferred story. But don’t be forceful, don’t think that “oh i’m in the old state again so this means i’m not doing it right!”. If you catch yourself serving the old master just remind yourself that wait this isn’t true for me anymore, so I don’t even need to keep it up in my mind.

Free yourself to be who and what you want in your mind. Without needing to see it manifest. You want it, so you embody having it, you persist in it and as a side effect of how reality works, it shows up in your life.

Here’s 2 audios that are really helping me lately:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9Sk-ENo650

https://podcasts.apple.com/br/podcast/feeling-twisty/id1473719923?i=1000527543384

I would seriously recommend to go in depth with both of these sources, feeling twisty on apple podcasts and ALLISMIND on reddit.

I hope this helps!

a year ago i was stuck. stuck in a job i had grown to hate. stuck in my hometown wondering if this was all i was ever going to do. stuck with a house that i felt i needed to keep because it belonged to my dead dad. stuck thinking i’d always be repressing my sexuality irl to salvage the toxic relationship i had with my mom. i was tired of being tired, and the pandemic didn’t help. but it did make me realize that i needed to stop living to work, that i needed to prioritize myself.

today my gf and i were joking around and she said, “I knew I’d meet my soulmate one day...you were just out there pushing a door with a pull sign” and i’m realizing that i was going through life that way. trying to push a door down and make my current, impossible situation work and move towards being happy when all i had to do was pull that door and see what was on the other side.

she’s the clutziest person i’ve ever met so what i said back to her was that she was out there tripping over her own damn feet like, “cute ass clumsy bitch. get your ass over here and start falling for ME”

and i’m really glad she did. and i’m genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. we’re moving in together in six days, and change is scary but i also know that i can be proud of myself for making choices for my own life that are better for me. for the longest time i didn’t want my happiness to be tied to a person, to change my life for someone else. but i know i’m making a change that’s for me, and it’s nice to have someone by my side as a partner to share in this new chapter i’m starting.

so here’s to what comes next. don’t be afraid to pull that door open. you might like what you find on the other side.

Chapter 1: English Boy

Sage's POV:

7:00am and the alarm went off. It's been 3 days of this new lifestyle I'm trying to live and I'm actually enjoying the extra time I have in the mornings, given the fact I used to wake up somewhere around 11am, but hey! Adulting and productivity at it's finest, or so I like to believe.

I recently moved to L.A to pursue that dreamy fresh start every 20-something year old dreams of. After just a few days here, I found a job in a little coffee shop and have been working there since, it's really cool actually, the place is amazing, the staff is nice and I'm a whore for coffee so it's a win-win situation.

Getting out of bed after checking my phone for any notifications that I might have missed in my sleep, but all I got were a bunch of messages from my sister having a crisis after finishing the last episode of The Vampire Diaries, and I mean... I get her.

I'm really taking this whole new and improved lifestyle very seriously, I'm meditating and everything, even lighting some incense here and there to get the whole scene and mood going.

After my whole yogi moment I went to the bathroom and started getting ready for work. I stared at myself in the mirror and said my daily affirmations: "I'm smart, I'm capable, I'm a bad bitch, I'm worth it, and I'm loved" I tell myself pushing back the memories as I say that last part. Today is going to be a good day because I have an early shift so that means I get to work with my sister, who was the one that got me the job in the first place.

I am pretty basic when it comes to clothes and always prioritize comfort over looks, unless I go out. Only then and there will I risk my wellbeing and wear high heels and tiny ass dresses to remind myself that I can also be THAT bitch. On the day to day I'm pretty basic. I really like warm colors so most of my closet is based around that color scheme.

I made my way (downtown) in this chaotic ass, traffic-filled city that I love very much, hating myself for even thinking about A Thousand Miles as I drive myself to work and officially start my day.

After saying hi to the staff and starting getting everything ready, Sydney arrives.

"I'm sorry! I overslept" Syd said as she rushed behind the counter to the back of the shop and got ready for her shift.

"Chill, it's still pretty early. You still have 20 minutes and I already got everything set up" I reassured her.

"You're an angel, thanks" she said, coming behind me and hugging me.

A few hours into the shift I started cleaning some tables and saw a group of people coming in. And as I was about to greet them, I heard a familiar voice.

"Sage?" I looked at her and recognized her immediately.

"Holy shit Sarah!" I said smiling and hugging her, she hugged me back and introduced me to her friends.

"Guys, this is Sage. We were neighbors back in London". "This is Charlotte" she said and Charlotte greeted me with a hug

"So nice to meet you" She said with a big smile on her face.

"You too!" I said, smiling back.

"And this is Ny", Sarah said gesturing towards her

"Hi!" She said and we hugged too.

We walked to the counter and I took their order.

"Sydney? Since when do you two live here?" Sarah said as soon as she saw my sister.

"We moved here with my dad a few months ago, mom stayed back in London though" Sydney explained smiling at her.

As I gave them their order, Sarah said "we should get together, catch up and drink some wine like our moms did when we were little, it's our time to have those kinds of nights" Us three laughed remembering those days and how close our moms are. "The girls and the rest of the group are coming over to my house tomorrow for dinner and you two are coming" she gave me a stern look knowing that I'm not one to be around many people.

"Fine, we'll be there" Syd and I agreed, exchanging phone numbers with Sarah and getting back to work.

*The next day*

It was nearly 4:00 pm when I left work after my shift ended. Sarah's dinner started at 9:00 but she texted me earlier telling me to be there at 7:00 so we could have some time to catch up just the two of us.

I got home and decided to call my mom to tell her about yesterday.

"Hi mom" I greeted her as she answered the FaceTime call.

"Hi sweetie, how was your day? I'm sorry I couldn't call you back yesterday, the girls came over and we had a wine night" she said laughing.

"It's fine mom, don't worry" I reassured her, "Speaking of wine nights, I ran into Sarah yesterday at the cafe.

"Sarah Jones? Wow, you two hadn't seen each other since she moved! How is she?".

"She's great. I'm going to her house today to catch up and meet some of her friends" I told her.

"I heard from her mom that she's drumming for this English boy, maybe you know him!" She said

"Wouldn't know mom, I just recently started following her social media and haven't had the time to stalk her" I said laughing and she joined me.

We talked just for a little while given the time zone, then said our goodbyes because it was getting late and I had to start getting ready. I headed to my bathroom and began undressing as I put on some music. I chose one of my favorite playlists called "Middle School Me" which is basically my indie-emo-punk phase and I love it.

*Something Good Can Work* started playing and I can't help but move to the little beat as I entered the shower. I did the usual and washed my hair so it's easier to style later.

I finished my shower, wrapping myself in a towel and wrapping my hair on an old cotton t-shirt because I learned from a youtube blogger that that's the best way to prevent frizz, and I hope and pray it works because I've been bleaching my hair and it's coming to bite me in the ass now.

I moisturized and opened my closet deciding on what to wear, and after trying on my top 3 choices, I went for a black dress because you can NEVER go wrong with a black dress, and dressed it down a bit with some black boots and a oversized denim jacket that I stole from one of Sydney's ex.

I like wearing short sleeves because you can see my tattoos, which I love and adore with all my heart.

I got my keys, checked my phone to see if Sarah sent me the address already which she did, double checked that I had everything I needed in my purse and headed to the door. I got in my car and continued listening to my playlist and laughed as Avril Lavigne started playing and I sang along as I made my way to Sarah's house.

I arrived with 10 minutes to spear and rang the bell. Sarah opened the door and gave me a tight hug which I gladly accepted and hugged her as well. "Holy shit, you look great! Come in" she said, giving me space to walk through the door and into her house. She took my purse and my jacket and handed me a glass of wine which I took and thanked her for. "Where's Sydney?" She asked, seeing that I came by myself.

"She has a test on Monday so she stayed home".

"Oh yeah, you live with your dad right?" She asked, sitting down on the couch and I took a seat next to her.

"No, just Syd. I have my own place, it's not that far from here actually" I explained.

"That means you're hosting the next wine night" she said, making me laugh.

After a little catching up I remembered what my mom told me and ask Sarah,

"So, my mom told me you're some English boy's new drummer" I told her, bringing the wine glass to my lips to take a sip.

She laughed out loud "some 'English boy', oh my god that is amazing. But yes, I actually just came back from touring with him. Ny and Charlotte are also in the band and the guys you'll meet today too" she said.

"Oh, and am I meeting the English boy today as well?" I ask grinning.

"Yes, but I'm not telling you who he is, I want to see you shitting your pants when you meet him".

"Is it Tom Misch? Because if it is I will actually shit myself".

"I guess you'll have to see when he arrives" she laughed and I told her that's no fun.

It was now 9-ish and people started arriving. The first one to arrive is Mitch, who I greeted and hugged as Sarah introduced us. And I swear I could feel a type of vibe going on between them but I decided to push aside and interrogate Sarah about it another time. Then Ny and Charlotte arrived and when they saw me they approached happily to greet me which I appreciated because I was starting to get anxious about meeting all these new people.

"I was telling Sage about how we are the band for this 'English boy' as she called him" Sarah air quoted telling them as they sat on the couch and some chairs around the coffee table.

"English boy? yes, I guess you could say so" Mitch said, laughing.

"Hey! it was my mom who called him that in the first place" I said smiling while pouring Ny a glass of wine.

We continued talking about random topics, I told them a little bit about myself, and they did the same. I stood up and went to the bathroom, and as I was walking out the door I bumped into somebody.

"Omg I'm sorry, I wasn't looki-" I stared up at him and holy shit! It's Harry Styles.

"Don't worry about it. It's fine." he said "I'm the English boy, you must be Sage". He said, stretching out his hand to greet me

"Yes. Nice to meet you English boy." I said, stretching out my hand to shake his, blushing at the fact Sarah already told him but not surprised at all that she did.

"Well, if you excuse me I have to take a wee" he said, laughing and I moved to let him go into the bathroom. I walked to the kitchen and saw Sarah there.

"What the actual fuck Sarah Jones?! English boy is THE Harry Styles?" I said shocked to which she laughed.

"He is. I figured you wouldn't know because I know you, and I can tell you don't follow him like you do to others, but I told you you would shit your pants because I know deep down there, directioner Sage still exists" She said, eating a grape out of the charcuterie board she's preparing.

"Ok first of all, I was NOT a directioner. I liked a couple songs and that's it" I joked, trying to minimize it. "And if I had to choose one I'd go with Zayn" I told her, rolling my eyes jokingly. "But still, wow. I really don't follow him or his solo music really, but this is huge Sarah! I'm so happy for you" I told her, feeling genuinely happy for her.

"Yes, we have a great team. I'm giving you a copy of the album because I know you haven't properly listened to it" She said. Which is true. I only listened to Only Angel once on the radio, and it's actually a great song, it was stuck in my head for like a week. I might give this album a chance and crank it in my apartment.

We headed to the living room and Harry followed behind as soon as he exited the bathroom. He got behind me near my ear and said, "Sarah told me you're not a fan, I gotta say it really hurts my ego but I might push it behind and turn you into a fan".

"Oh, really?" I said, raising an eyebrow and turning to him.

"Well, whether or not you become a fan it's up to you, but I would like to get to know you and you to know me, the actual me I mean" he said, sitting next to me.

"We'll see about that" I told him as I brought the wine glass to my lips. I wondered if this thing actually looked hot like in the movies or if I just looked like an idiot.

We continued talking and laughing as Sarah told stories about our teen years and all the stupid shit we did.

"And that's how Sage broke her arm on a date" she finished the embarrassing ass story which I wished she had forgotten, but how could she... she was the one that came to my rescue when I fell down the window trying to sneak out the boys house when his parents got there. We definitely lived the best teen years together, I really missed her and I'm glad we met again.

Around 2:00 am I decided it was time to head back home,

"Guys it was lovely meeting all of you and I'm sure we'll hang out again soon but I really need to go" I said standing up.

"Oh come on Sage!" Charlotte complained laughing, "it's still pretty early".

"I know but I have an early shift tomorrow so I should get going" I grabbed my jacket and my purse and started to make my way around saying goodbye to everyone, thanking that I only had one glass of wine because I wouldn't be able to drive otherwise.

As I got to Harry he smiled as he hugged me "Maybe I'll come visit you tomorrow at work. Ny says your apple pie is out of this world" he said.

"If I may say so myself, it's pretty fucking awesome" I said laughing.

"Bye Sarah" I said, hugging her and walking to my car.

I arrived, got ready for bed, and stared at the ceiling until I managed to push behind all the dark thoughts and memories that haunt me daily, and finally fell asleep.

Oh, my gosh, I love your Akigure AMV! I love all the Akigure stans in general that are kind of converting me (I’m ready for my cult initiation now!)! I was wondering what your favorite Furuba ship and character were.

awww thank you so much, i’m so glad you enjoyed my amv 🥺💕 and YES it’s wonderful to welcome a new akigure stan!! those are some great questions and took me awhile to think over hehe (also some spoilers were necessary for my answers, i hope that’s ok with you!!)

so for favorite ship, i feel like this is a really predictable answer lol but i gotta be honest, it’s definitely kyoru!! i’ve always been a fan of slow burns, and i think fruits basket really has one of the best ones that i’ve read. a big thing for me in a romance is i always always need to see the development of feelings from both characters; it was obvious that kyo had a crush on tohru pretty early on, and i was initially worried that tohru would just kind of...fall in love with kyo too because he likes her and he’s the tsundere lmao. so i really appreciate how takaya crafted tohru’s arc of very slowly realizing and struggling with her feelings for kyo, and also gave a dozen reasons why she fell in love with him (not that love is all logic and reason, but i mean writing-wise everything makes sense and adds up!). other things i love about them are how they seem like an opposites attract pairing but actually have a TON of similarities and some fascinating parallels in their arcs (just wrote an essay about that the other day lol). and besides how well they work narratively, i just love how soft they are with each other, how they can be vulnerable and raw with each other in a way they can’t with anyone, and how they genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. 🥺

favorite character was a bit harder to decide (i’m letting down the kyo stans😔), but ultimately i have to go with the QUEEN miss tohru honda herself!! i just love how LAYERED she is. on your first pass through the story, it seems like we really don’t see how complex she is until beach arc at the earliest, but rereading you can actually see clues scattered everywhere that she’s not as unfailingly optimistic as the facade she presents, and i love that shit. i just think her character arc is so damn compelling—her moving from a passive protagonist, just learning about the family and trying to please everyone, to a boss ass bitch protagonist who is actively trying to dismantle the cycle of abuse—aka going FERAL and trying to break an ancient curse? all while coming to terms with her own deeply repressed grief and learning how to move on from it in a healthy way? and finding someone who she can drop her carefully-crafted sunny disposition around and just be a damn mess, her real self, in front of? and going through the realization that she doesn’t have to be a perfect self-sacrificing being, and that it’s okay to do what she wants and prioritize her own needs!! furuba has its problems for sure but that’s some feminist bullshit right there and i ate that shit up!! truly no offense but people who think tohru is one-dimensional or boring don’t have eyes!!! jk jk but just...she really is an amazing protagonist. after watching anime after anime where every female character exists to further the main dude’s arc or WORSE to get “strong female character scenery” points, finding fruits basket made me so happy because look!! it’s a story about a WOMAN!! and she’s well developed!!! and she starts off already knowing how to care for others, but by the end learns how to care for herself. she doesn’t exist to just fix a man, she has so many facets and really learns to love and value herself through a very healing, reciprocal, and healthy relationship. god i promised myself i wouldn’t cry on main while talking about tohru today but here i am. 😔✋🏻

but yes, those are my faves!! honorable mention for ships would be akigure, yuchi, and one-sided kimi/kakeru (trust me read this spicy fic and You’ll Get It), and then for characters it’s kyo, akito, shigure, yuki, and the stuco clowns!! in summary i really just love everyone. 🥰

Do Not Go Gentle: Hopeless

Link to song: Hopeless by Halsey

Synopsis: Some fresh air and a little bad news for Feyre and Rhys. 

TW: Mentions of dark thoughts and abuse. Please read with caution. 

Ao3 Link

Chapter 19: Hopeless

“Okay, so this button here is my calendar. It’s all colour coded by level of importance so I ignore the stuff that doesn’t matter and prioritize the things that need my absolute focus.”

Rhys had been teaching me little things here and there about the tasks I’d need to do while working for him, despite the fact that I hadn’t agreed to anything yet. He was meticulous about everything, organized his life to the very minute.

“So what’s this box here in green?”

“That’s Cassian’s appointment with me today. He says it’s to look over possible changes security codes in the building, but I know it’s just to whine to me about his salary being lower than Amren’s.”

“Okay, and this one in red over here?” It read: Extremely important lunch with extremely important person.

“That’s our lunch date tomorrow, darling. Can’t quite miss that, can I?”

I slapped Rhys on the arm and he chuckled before setting his laptop down and heading for the kitchen. He came back with two mugs of coffee, and I thanked him quietly before he sat down next to me.

“I wasn’t told of this lunch date. What’s the extremely important matter we’re discussing?”

Rhys smirked. “Well, we have a few items to go over for your contract, and I need your signature for official documents and the such. Are you ready to sign on at Night Industries?”

I took a sip of my coffee, glancing up at him over the rim. “I guess you’ll find out tomorrow.”

“Tease,” he said before rifling around some more on his laptop. “Have you got a CV prepared?”

“I’d love to give you that, but it’s pretty blank. And my references wouldn’t quite answer if you called.” Andras, for obvious reasons, and the CEO of Spring Corp, for other obvious reasons.

Rhys shook his head. “Sorry, that was a stupid question. Nonetheless, I am looking very forward to it.”

I sighed and lounged across the couch, the very same one that Cassian sat upon last night before flipping the table during our absolutely failed attempt at playing a peaceful game of Monopoly. “Don’t you have better things to do?”

“Don’t you have better things to do than asking me that question over and over again?” Rhys replied as his fingers tapped away at his keyboard.

“Well, there are a few movies on Netflix that seem to be calling my name, but I’m sick of television.”

Rhys jammed his finger on the enter button, and the sound of an email sending filled the room before he closed the top of his laptop. “Let’s go for a walk, then.”

I raised my eyebrows. “A walk?”

“Fresh air. It’ll do us both some good.”

I looked down at the clothes I was wearing, old sweatpants and a hoodie. Rhys only rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen you in worse, darling. Come on. Let’s go.”

***

The park in Velaris was still gleaming with rain from yesterday’s showers. Gravel crunched beneath the sneakers I wore, still muddy and damp. Rhys didn’t seem to mind as his gaze wandered to the river flowing beside us. In the park, others had gathered despite the overcast clouds threatening to unleash their wrath upon us at any moment. We’d driven over and parked the car a few miles back, and walked in silence amongst the sounds of city life surrounding us.

“Do you come here often?” I asked quietly. We’d settled on a bench looking out upon the water before us. Dog-walkers and joggers passed by, just another blip in their daily routine, seemingly so mundane in such an overturned world. Well, overturned for me, completely and perfectly normal for everyone else, though I knew it wasn’t fair to make that assumption.

Pain wasn’t exclusive to one person. Suffering was a whore, and fucked over anybody in its wake.

Rhys said, “I used to.”

“Before?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

He blew out a breath and shrugged. “Lots of shit happened. I can’t even keep track of it all anymore.”

To keep our minds on something lighter, something better, I asked him, “I know you say your employees are your family, but what about the rest of it? Parents? Siblings?”

He chuckled at the first bit and ran a hand through his hair as the wind picked up and whipped at our clothes. “My friends,” he corrected, “are family first, employees second.” He paused for a moment, then continued, “My parents and I had a house on the outskirts of the city, but my mom wanted us to live in Illyria. Her and I moved there after she got pregnant with my little sister, to my dad’s utmost frustration. He finally came to join us when my sister was born, and we lived there all together for a little while until he had to go back. My mom refused to join him.”

“They didn’t get along, I’m guessing?”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t the best of pairings, to say the least, but they understood each other. And underneath all of it, they loved each other.”

It made me think of my own parents. How everything had gone to shit so quickly after my mother got sick, how my dad fell apart in the aftermath. I didn’t remember her, my mother—but I remembered the fallout after her, of which I still sheltered myself from all these years later.

“Where are they now?”

He exhaled sharply through his nose. “About fifteen blocks away from my house.”

“They live so close by and you’ve never mentioned them?”

“I visit them every week. At the cemetery.”

Oh. Oh, gods. I was a horrible person. “I’m so sorry, Rhys.”

He shrugged. “House fire.” A few seconds later, he added, “A freak accident.”

We were quiet for a few moments longer, and I said, “My mother died, too. Cancer.”

“I’m sorry.” Talking about death hurt the most, because what else were we supposed to say to each other? How do any words even attempt to fix the burning voids within us stemmed from their absences? What truly stung, though, was that my mother never even held a true space within me—I did not know her, I only knew the aftermath of her disappearance.

Rhys stood from the bench and wandered over to the river’s edge. He leaned over the ledge of the metal railing, staring down at the thrumming waters, below, and sighed. I took up spot next to him, our biceps pressed together, and the warmth of his touch grounded me despite the cold around us.

I stared at him as he stared out across what seemed like a vast, endless being soaring in front of us. And the lingering pain on his face, clouded with memories unknown to me, was enough for me to say, “You know, this goes both ways. I can talk to you, and you can talk to me. Whenever you need.”

Rhys dragged his gaze away from the Sidra and wondered, “A thought for a thought?”

“What do you mean?”

“I say something on my mind, then you say something. Like a trade.”

My nails dug into the skin around my thumb, a nervous habit I’d never seemed to drop, and winced at the tearing skin. “Okay.”

“I’m thinking that sometimes I want to wipe this whole city off the map so I can start over, and buy us a little more time. I’m thinking that I was an idiot to ever let Hybern sink its teeth into my company and fool us all. I’m thinking that for the rest of my life I’ll be trapped under their thumb, that I’ll be trapped under that bitch and all the havoc she caused my people and I.”

I could only focus on that slip of information. Trapped under who? What woman could’ve caused the agony shining on Rhys’s face, so blindingly painful that he winced at her very memory?

At the question on my face, Rhys only added, “There’s a bit more to the story about my history with Hybern.” Looking upon the peaceful scenery before us, it seemed like a shame to poison it with our misery-soaked words. “It’s for another time and place.”

Maybe it was because of the jagged pieces of truth that he offered me, but it filled with a sort of courage and recklessness that had me quietly murmuring, “I’m thinking that I must have been a fool in love to allow myself to be shown so little of Spring Corporations. I’m thinking there’s a great deal of information and secrets and shady bullshit I wasn’t allowed to see or hear about and maybe I would’ve lived in ignorance for the rest of my life like some fucking pet.

“I’m thinking,” the words choked up in my chest as Rhys’s gaze softened, full of concern and empathy, “that I was a lonely, helpless person, and I fell in love with the first person that showed me a shred of kindness. Of safety. I think he knew that—maybe not entirely, or actively, but he wanted to be that person for someone. A protector, a guardian. And that may have worked for the person I was before. But maybe not for the person I became. Not after…” I couldn’t breathe those words yet. Not after I shot those two people, not after life had gloriously and marvellously fucked me over completely. And though the words were selfish and hateful despite everything he’d done for me, they were a beam of truth I’d kept far, far down in my withered soul, tucked away even from myself.

I’d been gone merely two weeks, and I was already shitting all over his name. I was no better than him, no better than the angered man who’d done everything to keep me subdued.

“That was five. I owe you two thoughts.”

“Keep them. For another time.”

We both looked at each other for a moment, wind off the briny waters ruffling our hair. Rhys murmured, “Suriel used to do this thing at our appointments. Rate my mood on a scale.”

I nodded my head. “I did that, too.”

“I feel like a solid seven, today,” Rhys said. “You?”

I debated it for a few brief seconds, then admitted, “Four.” Better than yesterday, but still not enough.

“Okay.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, and it felt so natural I didn’t even blink at the gesture. “How about I cook some Mac and cheese for dinner tonight. Would that bring you up to a five?”

I only grinned, the slightest curve upwards of my lips, and said, “Four point three.”

***

We sat before the TV, bowls of macaroni and cheese in hand, watching the news. Nothing really exciting—preparations for the upcoming city summit, a shooting in the east end of town, a puppy parade for the local shelter. Rhys told me about the dog he had when he was younger, a loyal German Shepard he adored—but ultimately had to give away after it literally chewed through a wall. It took all of Rhys’s strength and will to keep his father from shooting it.

When we were done, Rhys and I brought our bowls to the kitchen, and I filled the sink up with soapy water to wash the dishes. He did so much for me, carved too much time out of his day for my sake, that it was the least I could do. Despite my protests, he still stood beside me to wipe them dry, our elbows grazing whenever I passed him another rinsed plate. The townhouse was quiet, peaceful with only the soft hum of the TV behind us, that I wasn’t even surprised when it blared Breaking News and ruined the moment.

Rhys shut off the sink and I wiped my hands on a nearby dishtowel before we quickly meandered back to the couch before in the family room. The news reporter was saying words, words that didn’t even make sense—

Then he was there, right there on the screen, as though he fucking knew I was watching him.

Everything else around me disappeared as the CEO of Spring Corporations said, “Thank you for joining me today. Unfortunately, the information I have to share isn’t good, and it breaks my heart to announce that my fiancee Feyre Archeron has gone missing.”

Distantly, I knew that Rhys already had his phone out, probably dialling someone from the Inner Circle to find out what the fuck was going on. I couldn’t listen, couldn’t even think about it as he was standing there at the podium of Prythian Police Station. Cameras flickered and flashed as he paused, then said, “Her location is currently unknown, and she was last seen at Spring Corporations, a safe location she was told to stay until after the scene of our apartment had been cleared, the day of the second attempt on her life. The security footage we gathered shows her being carried out by Cassian Noctis, a current employee at Night Industries.”

“Shit,” Rhys was muttering beside me, “shit, shit, shit—”

“He is currently in custody. His apartment was searched, but Feyre still remains missing. If anyone has any information upon her whereabouts, I beg you to please call the info line on your screen.”

I didn’t think I was breathing. How had they gotten Cassian? When? How come we weren’t called the second it happened?

“Feyre, if you’re seeing this by some miracle,” his voice was thick with tears, and I nearly vomited all over the hardwood floors as his eyes practically bored into mine. “I love you. I swear to all the Gods I will do everything I can to get you back.”

My fingers, with a mind of their own, reached over to the remote and turned the screen off.

“We need to go. Right now.”

Rhys was saying something else, so many things, but I was spinning.

It’s like I could still feel him. I could still feel each and every claw of his control, of his anger—they pinned me to where I sat.

Even from afar, Tamlin held my head under the water. I was drowning. I was screaming for air, but he shoved me into the deep end and let the waves crash over me.

“Feyre, we need to leave.” I didn’t realize he was kneeling before me, his eyes filled with desperation. I didn’t feel Rhys’s arms around me as he lead me to the townhouse entrance. As he fed my arms through the jacket and slipped a scarf around my neck, sunglasses in my pocket. We got into his SUV and he careened it down the street and into the city.

But I was drowning. Consumed by the water. Consumed by the flames in my mind, the towering inferno trapping me. The flames or the fall? Those words played in my mind over and over again as streets passed by in my peripheral vision.

“I’ll go back.” The words escaped my lips before I could stop them, emotion creeping up my chest and searing my throat as my vision blurred. “I’ll go back, Rhys. It’s okay.”

“Don’t take his bait. Let us figure this shit out before making any decisions.”

“He’s never gonna stop,” I breathed. “I can’t keep letting him destroy you guys. I won’t.”

“It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than this to destroy us, Feyre.” He tore into the parking lot and jammed on the breaks when he slid into a space. “Put your glasses on, cover your face with your scarf, and hood up.”

I did as he said automatically, and he came around to my side of the car, equally concealed as me, before we sped to the front doors of the PPS. There were press and cameras everywhere, but I kept my head down, trying to follow Rhys’s tugs on my arm forward and into the station. The yells and raucous was sealed off as soon as the doors shut behind us.

Mor was instantly there, despite the cops’ protests, and Rhys snarled, “Why the hell wasn’t I called?”

“You were called as soon as we knew, Rhys, which was about ten fucking minutes ago. They’ve had him all afternoon without telling us. We thought he left early.”

“Where’s Azriel?”

“On his way. Cassian hasn’t said anything. Amren’s finally in there with him, but we’re not saying a fucking thing.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong, Mor. They’ve got nothing on us.”

“They do until we say otherwise. If we want to clear ourselves, we need to tell them everything.”

Everything. I knew what everything meant. Everything was every bruise, every scar and every cut on my body at his mercy. Everything meant all of me, surrendering my shrivelled soul.

After all they’d done for me, I couldn’t think of anything else to help them. Show them what he did to me, or waltz right back into my prison in chains for the rest of my life.

Mor and Rhys were arguing, and didn’t realize when I stepped up to the counter, peeling off my hood, my glasses, and said, “My name is Feyre Archeron and I’d like to speak with whoever’s in charge of this case. Alone.”

Tough Love Ch.16

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x O/C

Summary: Story picks up during season three as the group goes into Woodbury to rescue Glenn and Maggie from the Governor. However, they pick up another prisoner of Woodbury, Emma (O/C). She is a thief who fears friendships after her hard losses. She stays on the move, studying communities from afar and then robbing them blind. She has stayed alive this way for a while until the Governor catches her in the act. Now she finds herself with the group from the prison in a mission to kill the Governor for what he has done to her. She plans on stealing supplies from the prison group after the Governor is killed, but she might be growing a little too close to the groups members, especially one man in particular: Daryl Dixon.

Warnings: Slow burn, language, usual twd violence, mentions of abuse/rape

Authors Note: I really like this chapter so I hope all you amazing people do too. Also, I am thinking this might go to about 23 chapters. Maybe? That is not a definite number yet but somewhere around there. The way I am ending it leaves room for a sequel too if people would want that by the time it is over and of course if I have time and want to keep writing, which I probably will. 

Previously: Ch.1    Ch.2       Ch.3       Ch.4     Ch.5      Ch.6     Ch.7       Ch.8       Ch.9       Ch.10          Ch.11        Ch.12        Ch.13       Ch.14       Ch.15

Once you’ve spent a night sleeping next to someone you care about so much, it leaves you with an empty feeling when you have to sleep alone again. Take my word for it, it fucking sucks. 

I stirred through the entire night, not staying asleep for more than twenty minutes at a time before a nightmare or a tremor woke me up. And when I was awake, all I could think about was Daryl wanting me to stop looking for the Governor. Then, eventually, my mind went over the all of the events up in the guard tower like how fucking incredible he felt against me while we dance, and then the memories always ended with the sound of me slapping him and the stupid hurt look on his face right before I left him. 

I shouldn’t have hit him. That wasn’t right of me, but I was so fucking angry and I can’t contain my emotions well, especially if I had just downed a bottle of vodka. 

I wanted him to know that I didn’t mean to do it, but then again, he deserved it. He couldn’t ask me to give up on something as big as the Governor. I had practically dedicated my life to revenge on that man. Daryl knew that. 

So fuck ‘em both. 

I gave up on sleep just before the sun started rising. I got ready in a few minutes and started to head out like I had every mouthing for months. This time I wasn’t in a perky mood. I wasn’t going to turn the corner and see a shinning Daryl waiting to go out with me. 

No, today I was determined. Everything about me screamed “fuck off” from my resting bitch face to the power in each of my steps. 

Outside of the gates I started down the trail that I had taken a dozen times, going to pick up right where I had left off the previous morning. I thought Daryl might actually leave me alone out here after I had slapped him last night, but that was stupid of me to think, because his heavy footsteps were pounding up behind me ini minutes. He obviously wasn’t trying to conceal his presence here with me. 

"I told you. Trail went cold." His voice dripped attitude already; he was out here for a fight and I was ready to fucking give him one. 

"Yeah, well that's not good enough for me," I spat, keeping to my trail and not bothering to stop and look at him. 

"Ya can't come out here by yerself. S'not safe."

I gritted my teeth and spun around to face him. He was closer than I thought he was to me. We both straightened up dominantly, trying to win over the other. 

"I don't know what part of you isn't understanding,” I hissed at him, letting the venom roll off my words. “But I don't give a fuck. I'm not stopping and you can't fucking make me."

He grabbed my arm as I tried to storm away from him. Bastard didn’t learn from what happened last time? 

"Let me go," I growled lowly at him. 

"Nah."

I turned and slammed the palm of my hand against his chest. "Let me go," I screamed at him and tried to twist out of his grasp. "Daryl fucking Dixon I will break your arm if you don't let me go."

"Go ahead," he yelled back in my face, his breath blowing over me. He was inches away and I smelled the cigarettes on his breath. "Break my damn arm. But I ain't lettin’ ya get yerself killed."

My next move was definitely the reckless part of me taking over. It made the slap last night look like a kind gesture actually. 

In a rushed and frantic impulse I pulled the gun from my belt and pointed it out in front of me, leveled at his head. 

He stared down the barrel of the gun without a sliver of fear in his eyes. "Ya ain't gonna kill me." He sounded so sure of himself that I was tempted to shoot him out of spite. "Ya couldn't kill me if ya tried."

I felt my lip quivering and I rapidly blinked away my tears. Why did he have to be right all the fucking time? Of course I couldn't kill him. He was the only damn person that was keeping me living right now. I could never make myself pull that trigger on him. He was fucking everything to me, without him there was nothing. 

His fingers, still wrapped around my wrist, tightened immensely, and he pressed his forehead directly on the gun, daring me with his piercing eyes to blow his brains out. 

"Go ahead," he growled out so low it send a shudder through my body. "Add another ghost to haunt you."

I held his gaze through it all and almost couldn't choke back my tears. Every face of the people in my life who were torn out of it flashed across my mind, making me feel guilty about being alive. The squeezing in my chest was almost too much to bare, breathing was becoming considerably harder by the second. 

"Can't you just stop caring about me so much?" Desperation. That’s how I would describe how I felt and sounded, how every moment with Daryl was breaking me because I wanted him so fucking back, but I wanted to prioritize other things before him. Other impossible things like finding the Governor.

He stared down the gun at me forever, his eyes searching mine wildly. I could see him deciding what to do in his head. He was debating his next action and let me be the first to say, he made the right choice in the end.

I didn't register what he was doing at first. I only heard him growl out a simple "no" as his crossbow clanged to the ground and he yanked on my arm, causing me to crash into his chest. Simultaneously, his other hand came up to hold my face to his in the most desperate and hungry kiss I'd ever had, my arm holding the gun to him moving aside to give him access. He pulled back quickly, thinking he had just made a life changing mistake with risking the kiss. But I wasn't letting him get away that easily.

I toss my gun aside and grabbed onto his vest before he could take a step back and roughly pulled him back into me. The kiss was sloppy from neither of us having done this in a long time, but that’s what made it perfect. 

His hand finally let go of the death grip on my wrist and went to my waist. I drank him in thirstily, unable to control the groans that escaped my lips. This only encouraged him more, and I lost my breath when his hands snaked up under my shirt.

I stumbled backwards as he walked me up against the trunk of a tree. He pinned me against it, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth, which I welcomed with another moan. My hands trailed up his arms and up under his vest so I could slide it off of him. 

He must not have realized I was unbuttoning his shirt until it was off and accompanying his vest on the ground because once it was, he broke away from me in a hurry. All those times I had struggled to read him, he was like an open book now. I saw the insecurity written all over his face as my fingers roamed over his scarred back. 

I had seen his back only once, he even always slept in a shirt to keep me from seeing him. It was a complete accident when I had, but he had thrown a hissy fit that ended in me showing him my own scars. The only difference between us was that his were old and from his father, while mine were more recent looking and from his brother. Weren't Dixon's just charming? At least I got lucky with this one.

I cupped his face in my hands and made him look up at me. The shame didn't waver from his eyes as I held them with my own. My mouth quirked up at the corner and in one swift motion, I stripped out of my shirt and discarded it onto the ground too, letting the crisp morning air hit my own scarred back. 

"There,” I breathed out at him, “Now we're even."

He scanned my own scars adoringly and when his lips met mine again it was with a new passion. I was consumed with the adoration he felt with every kiss that he trailed down my jaw. I tangled my hands into his long hair, thinking back to how many times I had dreamed of this. His arms held me tighter against him as he kissed down my jaw and to the sensitive skin on my neck where he sucked at my pulse. His low growl only enlightened me more and I tipped my head back in pleasure, the heat rushing between my legs as I held his head to me.

God, he was everything I never knew I needed. I couldn’t get close enough to him, couldn’t drink him all in fast enough. Daryl Dixon was a drug and I was now an addict. 

The moment ended when a gunshot rang out through the air, and we flew apart from each other just as fast as we had come together. 

I stared in the direction of the prison with wide glazed over eyes, still breathing hard. Daryl had his wits back much sooner than I, already having his shirt back on and partially buttoned up, scooping up his crossbow from where he had dropped it.

"Came from the prison," he said without another glance back at me. "Come on."

I watched him run off as I rubbed my hand over my mouth and sighed. What the hell had just happened? My mind couldn’t comprehend why or how any of that had come about, but I didn’t fucking care as long as it happened again.  

I shook out of my stupor and yanked my shirt back over my head, snatching up Daryl’s forgotten vest as well, throwing it on over my shirt to free my hands up for whatever the hell was going on at the prison. 

I ran in the direction Daryl had gone, my heart still fluttering in my chest. But all the giddy good feelings in me were gone when we reached the gates with Michonne on our heels. More gunfire came from the prison, Rick sprinting up the yard from his crops as Carl came to open up the gate for us. 

Walkers swarmed around all sides of the three of us, drawn to the noise coming from inside the solid walls. 

Michonne jumped from her horse and started chopping down the fuckers beside me. Carl had retrieved a gun, the first time he had held one since Rick had confiscated his so long ago, and fired a direct hit. Maggie was frantically running from the guard tower, coming to our aid as well. 

But this was nothing compared to the pure chaos we faced once inside. 

“Block D,” was all I caught in the frantic conversation that was being shouted around me, but I followed Sasha and Rick into the block, Daryl hot on my heels. 

Inside Block D the horrific screams of people dying, of people mourning, of people scared, and all of the fucking above echoed around the cement. 

We went to work immediately. Daryl snatched a gun from someones hands and pushed them out of the cell block, handing me the rifle, which I didn’t hesitate to put to use. 

I ushered what few living people there were in the block out and to safety while picking off any Walker that was on their heels. I spun around at the sound of a crying kid just in time to see Daryl use his crossbow to put down a Walker and scoop the kid up effortlessly. 

My mind was on autopilot, adrenaline coursing through me in a much different way than if previously was in the woods with Daryl. That had been a dream, but this was a literal nightmare. How had this even fucking started? It wasn’t a breech, it was someone from the inside. 

Once everyone was out of danger, I followed Rick and Daryl up the steps to the second level of cells in the block. Glenn was already up here, looking out over all the bodies that were now littering the place when another Walker, one we must have missed, came from the room closest to Glenn and nabbed him. 

“Get down,” was the guttural command from Daryl as his arrow released, taking down the final threat. 

I swiped a hand down my face as I looked around me, I could feel the blood mixed with sweat that coated me from head to toe. “Well, time for cleanup,” I muttered and went to start on the downstairs. 

We all dragged bodies out and cleaned away blood and killed any straggling Walkers. This was the most haunting part about this shit, the aftermath. I kept to myself, listening to a girl sobbing over a body that had been covered up with a sheet. 

Damn, there was so much loss all the fucking time. I was getting so sick of all the grave digging. For once, I’d like people to die of old age and natural causes, not from war or fucking getting bit. It was all a load of bullshit. 

My eyes tore from the sobbing girl as Karen stood at the doorway. I didn’t know her well, but she was one of the first from Woodbury. Tyreese too, and here he was coming up beside her to offer some kind of comfort. The look they gave each other said it all, said how terrible everything was but yet how grateful they were that they still had each other. 

That’s when my stomach dropped. That could have been Daryl lying dead on the floor with me sobbing over him. We could have ended up on the bad end of this shit. 

I gulped and watched  where he was standing upstairs over a body with Rick, Hershel, and a few others. They were talking about the cause of death. It wasn’t a bite or anything, there were no wounds, it was a sickness. It was caused by internal lung pressure building up and when it was to the top it came out of everywhere, ears, eyes, nose, mouth... It was horrifying. 

“All of us in here,” I heard Hershel say, “We’ve all been exposed.”

I involuntarily flicked my eyes to Daryl, only to find that he was already looking at me. 

I couldn’t imagine if he got sick. I didn’t want to believe he could get sick, but it wasn’t something he could shoot and fight off, this was something he had no control over protecting himself from. 

I shuddered at the thought and had to look away from his piercing eyes. I couldn’t let myself think about that. I had more important things to do than worry my head about something that was out of my hands. I couldn’t dwell on what had already happened as I dragged body after body out of the cell block. I couldn’t worry about whatever the hell had happened between me and Daryl in the woods just moments before this. 

And like Daryl tried to tell me, I couldn’t worry about the Governor anymore either. 

***

Taglist:

@daryldixonandfrogs @jodiereedus22 @xchrisxevansx @bvbwestfall @my-current-fandom-is

RANT

Sorry I need to rant because my mother is driving me CRAZY. So feel free to ignore.

So. Lemme preface this all by saying that I love my mother. I do.

But holy fucking shit I’m getting so tired of her antics. Like damn. So, I’d already decided some time ago that with this 2nd child, I’d want someone here a week or so before my due date to keep an eye on my 3 year old in case I go into labor early. And I decided it would be my mother in law.

I had very simple, yet stable reasoning for this. She’s reliable, she offered, and once she gets back from visiting my sister in law in Australia, she’s not going back to work, so she’ll have lots of free time to do so.

Talked with mother in law and she agreed she’d come out a little early and for however long I need her to stay to help manage things with a new baby and a toddler.

I’m not due until the first week of March. I figure having her the week before and the week of my due date would be asking enough of her.

So around mid January, I call my own mother up. I let her know, hey. MIL is coming out the week before and of my due date, so you have an idea of what dates to plan around when you want to come out here.

The biggest reasoning for this is because A) I have a small house and can’t put everyone up at the same time and B) I don’t need a full house with a newborn baby, a toddler, and everyone else on top of it.

During the call I got the suspicion that mom hadn’t even heard what I’d told her, despite me breaking it down to a grade schooler’s level and making sure she acknowledged what I said. That her “Uh huh.” “Yeah that’s ok!”’s were just automatic responses and not her actually listening to what I was saying.

So just this past week, a little less than two weeks after our conversation I text her and ask, “Hey, what days are you planning on coming down?”

“Oh, the first week of March.”

I’d already woken up in a bad mood that day, hormones on the rampage in my last month of pregnancy. So I pause and tell her. “No. Not the first week of March. I told you. His mother will be out here helping that week and the week before.”

And of course I get the speech about not knowing and not remembering and she’s just trying to get in to see me before “They” (her boss/boyfriend and his wife) go on vacation the third week of March. 

To which I said. “That’s too bad for them. I told you what dates wouldn’t work. They have other people that can fill in.” (Because they do. It’s not just her in that office beyond just them.)

This is a problem I’ve had with her so many times. She will always, ALWAYS prioritize her job over her family because she doesn’t want to upset her boss. Who she fucks. He’s essentially her sugar daddy and it’s incredibly frustrating.

If it’s not using work as an excuse, it’s using my Grandparent’s health as an excuse and I know they’d be pissed off about it. Granted, my Grandfather hasn’t been doing the best the last few years, but she’s been grossly exaggerating it like she does with EVERYTHING. She had us believing for years that she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, but it was a vitamin deficiency. Things like that. 

She’d promised to come down two or three times to visit me over the span of the year and every time something conveniently cropped up that prevented it. Grandparent’s health. A work thing. Back and forth between the two. 

Any time I’d go up there to visit her, she’d be gone 80% of the time even if she’d taken time off, just to go to work to, “Take care of a few things real quick” and then disappear half the day. When we’d inevitably take off to do something ourselves because she wasn’t around, she’d just turn back and go back to work.... on her paid time off.

Then turn around and lament that she doesn’t get more time to spend with me or my daughter. 

Which is also one of the reasons I opted to have my MIL here first. Because she’s reliable. My mom.... not so much.

So she gets off the phone all, “Okay well. Whatever works best for you guys, let me know.” And she also had mentioned bringing my sister and her baby with her. (Which I don’t mind I love seeing my sister and my niece is adorable.)

Naturally, I go to call my sister to make sure that mom wasn’t talking out her ass about that and just volunteering her without asking. Which is a thing she does.

So. I get hold of my sister the next day to find out my mother had gone to her complaining and bitching about not being brought out first. Which really only irritated me more. But sister agreed that I was in the right, mom needs to learn to listen, and this is the sort of thing that just comes with being a massive flake all the time. But she also wanted to make sure I was fine with her coming down to visit with the baby. Which I of course, am fine with.

Also during this period I get a crap ton of boxes unexpectedly delivered to my door. Which always makes me uneasy because WHO THE FUCK is sending me things and WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED. I’m anxious by nature and it doesn’t help. Turns out of course, that it was all a bunch of baby clothes sent to me by my mother without warning. 

All of it in pink of course. Or at least a majority of it. (Probably like 80% of it.) I will say this. I am always appreciative of things people buy for us, especially my kids. And it will of course be put to use. I just wish she’d have asked, or said something. I still have ALL my first daughter’s clothes from when she was a baby and I fucking LOATHE the color pink. Particularly the shade they use for baby girls which reminds me of pepto bismol. I’d asked her with my first child to NOT go and buy a plethora of pink. To try and opt for OTHER colors because I just fucking HATE that pink = girl and just... PEPTO BISMOL.

Naturally. She didn’t listen last time, so why would she this time. Last time the excuse was, “Well I know what you said, but I couldn’t help myself.” (literally three mountains of pink or mostly pink clothes.)

This time the excuse was, “Well you wouldn’t let me do it with the last one. So I had to do it for this one.” It’s.... frustrating that she disregards my wishes. I know it’s nigh on impossible to go without ANY pink clothing, but I didn’t think I was asking for too much by requesting it be limited and not be the ONLY color bought.  

Then today, about two days after the conversation regarding when she’ll be coming out, my mother calls me and it just felt... like she was trying to suck up to me? Like it would somehow make me change my decision? 

We ended our conversation after she checked on me about my doctors, and my blood work, and how the weather was and does the baby need anything, do I need anything, etc. Only for her to call me back about 5 minutes later with, “Oh by the way did you hear about this history thing that you might be interested in? I’ll tell you all about it!”

Which, ok. I like hearing about that stuff but the manner in which she went about it felt like she was just trying to suck up to me again. Then proceeded to send me texts of images of the article on her laptop.

And I’m just so... very stressed out.

I love her but I just grow... so tired of her constantly working on her own schedule, her own conveniences, and damn everyone else. It’s about how she wants to do things, how she feels things should be done, because she’s my mother, I’m her daughter, and that’s just how things are. Right?

And then the sucking up and guilt trips afterwards. (Because this is a normal occurrence and I’m just really glad she doesn’t call me asking if I’m mad at her anymore because I’ve gone two whole days without talking to her.)

Someone save me.

Disappointment.

Disappointment. It’s something that sucks immensely.Whether you’re the one who’s disappointed or the cause of the disappointment, it just plans sucks. Even for the little things. Like a TV show finale not being as wow as your hoped. Or two book characters getting together that you weren’t that invested in. Or a chocolate bar not tasting as good as it should. We build expectations because we humans are equipped with something called imagination. And it’s a hard thing to wrangle. It’s almost like the phrase “Don’t get your hopes up”, is the trigger word to get that imagination ball rolling. 

Something as simple as, I was really looking forward to having some chocolate cake today. I’ve been in kinda a slump and some cake just sounded perfect right now, finally get that first burst serotonin in this new year. That’s just me being dramatic, I have watched the Witcher. That could be it’s own post but back on track. The cake, it was my light at the end of the tunnel and then, for reasons out of my control, the cake was whisked away. And, I know no one’s at fault and so my current mood is laughable but damn I really wanted that cake. 

People say, feel what you gotta feel, it’s okay. Until it’s you feeling sad over something they think is trivial and then they tell you to get it together. I guess it’s all about perception and personal experience. All of humanity’s actions boil down to experiences and expectations. Expected to act and feel a certain way and our experiences shape how we act and feel in a certain situation. Look, I’m no one important, these are just my own opinions and I could be completely wrong but that’s the conclusion I’ve come to in my head. 

Something else happened today that kinda jarred me. Due to circumstances, my kind of home, the place I go on college breaks, is with my best friend and her family. And they are such lovely people, they welcomed me in, provided for me, took care of me, they really are genuinely caring and compassionate people and I am so incredibly lucky to have folks such as them in my life, I think my life would have gone down a very different, darker path without them. 

But I’m not their family. They have a daughter, my friend. And of course they treat her different, she’s their blood, biologically they are made to act different towards her. They have unconditional love for her. And they’re nice to me too, very much so, but I am a guest. Except I’m not because, I’m more then a guest, more then a family friend at this point. But I’m not family, no matter how we joke. There will always be a difference as to how we treat each than to how we treat our blood families. M friend, she’s my soul sister. Platonic soul mate. Her parents, I would take a bullet for. Someone asks, they;re family. But that’s just words. It’s just kinda what I’ve noticed in our interactions. They’ll nag her more, get at her more, that’s what parents do. Her mom learnt quite early on, if she wants to make comments about my weight, she’s getting an earful. That’s just boundary setting. But, they’re also more tender and affectionate with their daughter, you know in that way parents who love their children are. I know that kind of interaction, I had it with my mom. And I miss it. That kind of figure, a parent who has your back and loves you and wants the best for you, I miss that person so much. Well, let’s be honest, I just miss Mom. 

Anyway, this whole tangent started because, when it comes to lifts, my friend know it’s a given that  her parents will drive her places. We live in the arse end of nowhere, you can’t just walk places unfortunately. Me, it comes with conditions, they aren’t opposed to asking me to pay for petrol and you know what, I’m happy to do it, they are kind enough to take me places, I have the money, course I’ll pay for petrol. 

But I know, they would be less inclined to ask their daughter. And that’s fine. Really it is. They’ll call on her more, to ask what she thinks of things, to show her something, etc. Cause they’re familiar with her and want to experience things with her. I just feel a bit like something in the background. Maybe they don’t want to bother me, maybe I’ve set up a wall so they feel like they can’t, it could be a bunch of things. I just, I always feel second place to someone else these days. And it wasn’t like that with my mom. Is that a really selfish thing to say? I don’t think so. Good parents will prioritize their children, most of the time. They gotta look after themselves as well. I just know, I’m not as important to someone anymore. That I can rely on someone for anything. When I look at my friend and her parents, I’m happy they’re a happy family. And so jealous at the same time. Which in turn makes me angry and in turn, makes me not very pleasant to be around. It’s definitely something I need  to sort out. 

Honestly, loneliness is something I’m battling with constantly. Cause, I know a lot of the time, I put myself in isolation. I don’t go out, I don’t make an effort to make new friends, I’d much rather hide in my bedroom. Probably why I eat so much, the loneliness. And I know the steps I could take, to be less lonely. But I’m holding back. Scared of getting hurt, losing someone else. To be honest, at this point, I believe no one is truly here for the long term. Except for that friend. I honestly don’t know how I haven’t driven her away by now. Maybe we’re just similar, I know she has her own stuff she’s dealing with and I’m there for her. She’s not the best, at talking about feelings and the heavy stuff. I’m the talker between the two of us. And there are times where her peaceful silence is much needed. But there are times, I need feedback. Not from a therapist I’m paying. Not half baked, shallow advice. I need someone to truly, deeply want to understand me and help me. And you know, asking for someone like that makes me feel really selfish. Maybe this is just all my fault. I don’t want to believe it is. I’ll own up to what is my fault. But everything else, I just gotta process and let go. 

Honestly, sometimes I just wanna let go of everyone. The friend who can’t talk about feelings. The sister who hurts and scares me. The grandparents who means well but don’t really know me. And all the people, who I believe don’t really wanna be there. 

Does that make me an awful person for saying those things? Trust me, when I say I don’t want to feel this way either. But I have no idea how to feel anything else. 

I’m not expecting anyone else to read this, I’m half hoping at this point no one does, but if anyone does and thinks I should shut up, that I’m privileged and selfish and a bitch, yeah I’ll agree with you. I’ve got it really good compared to a lot of people and I know this whining is pathetic. But if I don’t get these thoughts and feelings out of my head, they’ll fester and I’m scared of going down a path I went down a couple of years ago. I know my own worst enemy is me. And the dark, anxiety ridden side of me, it’s winning. Honestly, I’m exhausted. And I’m losing hope for this life I’m leading. That’s dark huh. It’s the truth. 

But I’m not in any danger to myself right now. I don’t want to end it. I’m still giving this thing called life a chance. And I’m pushing myself to do the things I wanna do, because I know they’ll make me happy and who gives a flying fuck what others think. 

Still. Having a mom would be nice. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Survey #226

“i couldn't take my eyes off her, but that's not what i took off that night.”

So, how are you doing today? I'm mostly fine, I guess. I'm sooooo sleep-deprived from these damn night terrors, so it has me pretty moody. Then I'm bummed as all fuckhell that Sara and I can't be together on our anniversary. What is the last song that you had on repeat? I think it waaaas... "Idiosyncrasy" (it took me five million attempts to spell that right) by Korn. Are you a hedonist/masochist/in between? Neither. The best musical performance you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, but it was WICKED. He did his signature decapitation illusion (how the fuck does that even work??), and the last song (it was a fucking amazing cover of "Another Brick In The Wall") had INCREDIBLE theatrics. I loved it. Who is your favorite drummer? *shrugs* Your favorite guitarist? Idk, really. Maybe Zakk Wylde. A vocalist with the best voice? Freddie Mercury's voice is so versatile and chill-inducing, Amy Lee is an obvious answer, Patrick Stump's voice is just so goddamn sexy, as is Brendon Urie's, as well as wide in vocal range. Do you have a band yourself? Maaaan, that'd be dope. But no. Do you write poetry or song lyrics? I used to write poems aaaaaall the time (y'know, the "I'm 14 and this is deep" kind), and I've actually really wanted to for a while now, but idk about what. Plus my word-weaving capability has drastically declined, so all I'd do is get mad. Your best memories: Meeting Sara, SARA'S FUCKING FACE WHEN SHE SAW ME IN HER BEDROOM ON HER LAST BIRTHDAY OH MY FUCKING GOD, a novel of things with Jason, seeing meerkats at the zoo for the first time, THE DAY GOD NOTICED ME THROUGH A GIF I WORKED WAY TOO HARD ON (I couldn't sleep for three days, and I wish I was kidding), uhhhh. A lot. Your worst memories: The night of the breakup, absolutely and entirely. Nothing compares. It was a slow, paralyzing trauma (don't get pissy about me using that word "as an exaggeration," it was diagnosed as such years ago) that entirely put me into an actual state of shock. I wish that night on absolutely nobody. No one. Funniest thing you've ever seen an animal do? Maaaaan, I could tell you a lot. Probably inarguably the funniest was Ginger (ex's beagle) WITHOUT FAIL losing her shit with jealousy or SOMETHING whenever she noticed Jason and I were doing anything that involved affection without her. That dog would LOSE IT with barking, tail wagging, and climbing all over him, and it was never not funny to see this fatass little dog turn into a living cockblock lmfao. OH YEAH then our late boxer Cali could be baited into howling if you did it sometimes. It was so, so cute. She'd always look so confused but do it anyway. I'm sure there're others; I've grown up with pets my whole life, but those are the only two that come to me now. What is on your mind? I wanna see Sara. Could you ever cheat on your significant other? I physically couldn't stand myself if I ever did. No. Ever been so disgraced that you had homicidal thoughts? Wow no. If so, whom did you wish to assassin? I mean I've talked about Ashley (not my sister) before, but they weren't seriously "homicidal." I wasn't going to actually do anything. If you wish to be famous, what would you want to be famous for? I don't wish it, but let's say I was. Some form of artist. ... Wait, I do want that. Errrmmm OH! A serious wildlife conservator. Do you think humanity is going downhill? Duh. What was the last thing you threw at someone? I have no clue. Do you ever want to be prom queen/king? I didn't care. Have you ever ran from the police? I'd prefer to stay out of jail. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yeeeaaah... When was the last time you made dinner? me?????? cook????????????? huh?????????????? Do you have any special plans coming up? I'm shooting my sister's gender reveal Sunday. :') Ash and her husband don't know the gender, so I am so fucking excited to see their reactions. Who do you want to be buried next to? Please don't bury me and just take up space. Cremate me and scatter the ashes somewhere, or do SOMETHING meaningful and creative. What is your favorite fish? Like... to eat? I haven't tried very much, but I liked striper forever and ever ago. If you mean visually, probably betta fish. Have you ever won a gold medal? Probably with kid stuff. Do you have any trophies? Also as a kid for A honor roll, as well as dance and sports overall. Do you work out? Oops no. When you introduce yourself, do you give hand shakes? It depends on who I'm talking to. Is there a limit to how many best friends you have? No? Do you have any hickeys on you? Bitch a girl can wish. Do you have the strength to say goodbye forever? Been there, finally done that. Will you talk to the person you like tonight? I talk to her every day throughout the day. Who did you last share a bed with? Sara. Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Sara or Mom. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What are you listening to right now? I'm not actually listening to anything, but "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac is BURIED into my head rn. What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? I've never tried to latter actually, but I'd probably still prefer hot chocolate, anyway. Do you make wishes at 11:11? No; I don't believe in that stuff. I have a friend who posts JUST "11:11 <3" or something like that every night on FB, and while it shouldn't, it annoys the fuck out of me. No one cares. Ever been on a golf cart? Yeah. Do you get blizzards where you live? No, never to the point where "blizzard" fits. What’s a biblical truth that you struggle with? lmao When was the last time you did something rebellious? *shrugs* Do you rebel against God a lot? I can genuinely say I don't give a fuck if I do or don't. Do you consider yourself creative? Very. What’s an old hobby that you want to pick back up? Sigh, reading. Do you ever read books to a pet? No. That seems without real purpose... and this is coming from me, an animal worshiper, just about. Like, you know they genuinely have no clue what you're saying or doing, and I highly doubt they're gonna stay still and look at the pictures. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, a cat, a rat, and a snake. What was the theme of your childhood bedroom? It didn't have a set theme. Partially because I grew up with the same room as my little sister, and we had very different interests. What color was your nursery as a baby? I have zero clue. Did I even have a proper nursery??? What was the last surgery you had? Getting a cyst above my asscrack removed lmaoooo. What’s something you prefer to keep private? Sexual history. I am very, very shy talking about that kind of stuff. Who is someone you look up to? *sobs "fischfuck" at the top of my lungs* As a child, did you have people you admired? STEVE IRWIN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EMOTIONAL DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you good at prioritizing? Eek... I'm unsure, to be honest. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? fuckin' Halloween hoe. Which holiday or season has the best decorations in stores? Soooo Halloween decor=room decor for me tbh lol. Who’s the prettiest YouTuber you watch? She doesn't have her own active YT channel anymore, but Suzy Hanson (GameGrumps' Arin's wife) is a fucking goddess. Oh, and while I've never watched her channel, I've seen Hannah Hart on GMM quite a few times, and she's actually one of my first signals that I wasn't straight because I definitely felt attracted to how naturally beautiful she is. What’s the most shocking thing that’s occurred in your life lately? Finding out my grandma has terminal cancer. How’s the weather been at your part of the world in the past week? It's been fucking hot. Thursday was the hottest October day in NC history, peaking at 100. Disgoostiiiiiing. Have you given something up recently? (for ex., candy, red meat etc.) Uhhhh well, this is semi-recently, I guess: I entirely stopped going to Chick-fil-a in protest of higher-ranking business employees or whatever supporting/making donations to anti-LGBT cults, especially conversion "therapy." What’s the worst thing about autumn? "How fleeting it is. I never feel like I get properly immersed in the experience. I blink and the leaves are gone and Thanksgiving is here and Christmas is right around the corner." <<< Perfect description. What is something you enjoy doing, even if you’re not very good at it? Drawing portraits, maybe. Do you work hard for your money? I don't have a job, never have had a stable one. However, on the occasion I'm hired to take pictures, I. Try. Really. Hard. What’s a song that most people interpret entirely wrong? "Mama I'm Coming Home" by Ozzy Osbourne was first to come to mind; reasonably, people tend to think the song is about his mother, but it's rather about his wife. Calling your wife that is apparently some English petname. When’s the last time you had cake? Wow, idk, actually. I think my niece mighta had some for her birthday in June? I know my nephew had cupcakes. Yeah, I think it was her b-day. Have you ever made your own soda from scratch? I have not. How about your own jam? No. Or pickled something? No. Did you grow anything in your garden this year? No, we don't have one. Or did someone give you something they grew in theirs? No. What’s the most romantic gift anyone’s given to you? Uhhhhhhhhhh idk. Do you like woolly socks? If so, do you ever make your own? NO, especially when you put sneakers over them or something. They feel so constricted. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? A laptop that needs to be replaced, gah. Or fixed. I have a pure black crack and blob stretching across the left side of my screen that is super distracting and obscuring, and the right side of the top half is cracked along the side; I have duct tape to help keep it closed. Otherwise it's a fine laptop, though. Oh wait, and the apostrophe key is missing, so I have to hit the plastic pressure thingy that's easy to miss. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? No. If so, who has been your favorite contestant on AGT? My favorite ever was Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. Still have some of his covers on my iPod. Prince Poppycock is also my gay uncle that I would die for. What chore are you behind on? I need to dust my room good lort. Have you ever broken your phone screen? No, actually. Have you ever broke your computer screen? Well, refer to earlier question. I don't know if it's technically "broke," just damaged (it's not an actual scratch, btw; it's beyond the exterior screen). I need to take it somewhere to fix it ahhhhh. What department store do you shop at the most? Wal-Mart. Do you normally use the self-checkout or the regular checkout? Depends on how much we have. If it's just a handful or so, we just go do it ourselves. Which friend will be in your heart no matter what happens between you two? Sara, Megan. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No. OH SHIT NO WAIT, I THINK a friend and I may have wandered into Spencer's once when we were "too young." Or maybe we just got ID'd. Idk, idr. What was the stupidest mistake of your life? Turning a person into my sole source of "real" happiness, giving my entire soul to a flawed human being, being naive about love, all that jazz. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? Well, she unfriended me. We're friends again now tho I think I pissed her off again. Oops. Do you watch Niki and Gabi on YouTube? If yes, which twin is your favorite: Niki or Gabi? I've heard of 'em, but don't know anything about/watch them. What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. The Handmaid's Tale is now right behind it. What do you want for your birthday this year? My '19 birthday has already passed, but if you mean like, my next one, idk. Maybe a new phone considering mine is GODawful with so many problems. Alllllthough I'm entirely aware I'll be putting a tattoo first, so... it depends on what I have, ha ha. Do you like rock music? Yep. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!!!! What do you usually take for headaches? Advil/Ibuprofen. Have you ever switched doctors because of mistreatment? Or moreso carelessness and immeasurable ignorance masked by over-confidence. Do you film or record your doctor’s appointments? ??????????????????????????????? Can you even do that?????????????????? Which accomplishment are you most proud of yourself for? So, this kinda depends. I'm most likely to say "recovery," but I honestly give almost all credit to my psychiatrist and therapists. So I don't usually see *me* as playing a big role in it. Idk. So other days I'll say way more confidently graduating in the top 10% of the graduating class as a senior. Do you feel like you’ve accomplished anything yet with your life? Well yeah. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination I take of Vraylar + Lamictal due to how they interact and being massively responsible for me being stable. What is your favorite vitamin, and why? Do people???????????? have fave vitamins????????????????? List 5 people you know who have never been mean to you. Uh. I think Connie is it out of the people I know well/have known for a long time, lol. Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? s c i e n c e  b i t c h Do you say garbage, trash, rubbish, or something else? "Trash," usually. Which Bratz doll was your favorite? I didn't have a favorite. Which Barbie doll was your favorite? ^ Which American Girl doll was your favorite? I don't remember. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but I find them veeeeeery pretty when decorated well. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No, I wish... What is your favorite Lisa Frank character? angel!!!!!!!!!!!! KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you believe in the power of prayer? Not in the slightest. What color eyes does the person you like/love have? Are they pretty? A beautiful brown. Obviously if I call them beautiful. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon cries. I never really like... showed just how much though. Looking back on when I was a kid, I took embarrassment poorly even then. Other girls thought I was weird for bringing a Psyduck plushy with me to school everyday, everyone in pre-k looked at me like "huh" when I brought my little Snorlax plush in for show-and-tell, I came to a point of only watching it when my sister was asleep, I was too scared to ask for the games, and- jfc okay I'm actually realizing I need to go back to therapy to talk about how deep my AvPD truly is rooted oops lmao. Do you eat chili when you get a hot dog, or do you like it plain? Chili is disgusting. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None got to the point of me feeling *actually* drunk. I've only ever been tipsy. When was the last time you acted really immature? *shrugs* Can you rely on one or more people to take up for you? Yeah, a few. When is the last time you sat around a campfire? I don't have a clue. Is there an important event coming up at your school? I think? It's some event all freshmen have to attend to all damn day and I'm not looking forward to it. It's for a good cause, but. It's gonna be a drag and I've had two incidents this school year of once collapsing and just last week almost fainting and vomiting just from the heat. Do you have a back-up career choice? What is it? Something with writing, I guess. Well, I ideally want to be a professional photographer but also a zoologist, but if photography goes absurdly well (this is incredibly unlikely, I know, but it's doable), I may not aim for a zoologist career, but get the necessary degree for it as back-up. I want an unquestionably stable back-up choice. My minor is Journalism, so like I mentioned up top, yeah, if things really go shitty, something in writing is an option. Would you ever get caught with a fake ID? No. Do you think religion justifies treating people unequally? I don't see the supposed "rationality" in this at all. No. Are men more attractive with longer or shorter hair? I guess it depends on the person, but I think I'm generally more attracted to men with longer hair. What color was the ink of the last pen you used? Black. Is there a name that you hear and cringe? I can't really say "cringe," but without fail, it's obvious who and what I think of the moment I hear the name "Jason," and it always causes this dull pain in my chest. What color are your dad’s eyes? They're dark brown. When you were a kid, was there a boy/girl that you said you were going to marry? No. Is your favourite TV show very popular? That '70s Show is, and Fullmetal Alchemist is among anime fans, at least. I don't think too many people know about Meerkat Manor, but I know it was and possibly still is Animal Planet's highest-grossing series, so it sure was big for viewers of that channel. What are you absolutely determined to do? Become at least a semi-successful photographer, make a great life with Sara, support my mom one day like she always has me, mostly overcome anxiety, photograph and touch a habituated meerkat of the KMP... a handful of things. Where would you rather be from? Somewhere in the U.S. that's not a homophobic, racist, gun-fucking, Bible-thumping cesspit of closed-minded shits. I love NC. How often do you play sports? Never. What website do you visit most often? YouTube. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn? I stopped this as a young teenager, but I know I was one of those kids who used "retarded" as a substitute for "stupid." I absolutely hate that shit. I also had to unlearn uhhhh... man, I know there's a lot, I'm just blanking right now. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should? *shrug* Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? Interesting to me personally, Chicago. Cities that massive are foreign to me. What fad or trend do you hope comes back? Scene fashion was art, don't @ me. What’s the best way to start the day? SLEEPY CUDDLES W/ YOUR S/O. What kind of art do you enjoy most? Man, idk. I love art so much. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? That's a good question. What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen? Literally today/yesterday when I watched the secret stream Mark did of gathering viewers to anonymously destroy random but small Twitch streamers' charity goals & he was too motivated and inspiring & everyone was so fucking confused but thankful and it was literally the most inarguably Chaotic Good thing I have ever borne witness to. For three hours I couldn't stop fucking smiling. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? Hell if I know. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? lol guess How do you relax after a hard day of work? I don't work. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? TV show? 13 Reasons Why is a hell no. The Human Centipede I wouldn't watch over my dead fucking body. Where would you spend all your time if you could? All my time? Idk. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? Improving the world. What’s the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen? I couldn't even try to answer that question. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? I dunno, probably a lot. Maybe food? Ensure it's safe, at least. What is the luckiest thing that has happened to you? Not flipping over in the wreck we got in when I was a kid, probably. All factors of it considered, we were told flipping would have been far more likely than my mom managing to keep us on four wheels. What are some small things that make your day better? Multiple things. Sara feeling positive, I'm fucking awful so having a yummy soda gives me a measly drop of Serotonin, I love seeing Venus come out of her rock to wander around, finding a new song to become utterly addicted to is great, cool weather outside... things like that. I'm sure there's more. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford? REALLY want? A trip to South Africa. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? Uhhh idk. Otep, I suppose. As a band, anyway. She's actually the QUEEN of bigoted bitches. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? N/A What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? Oh, idk. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? Still a photographer. Have you ever saved someone’s life? No. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? People can tell you they'll always be there and still leave in the blink of an eye. What’s something you are self-conscious about? Unconventional interests/hobbies and my body. Have you ever given to any charities? Yes. What was the best compliment you’ve received? Idk. What’s the most immature thing that you do? Not gonna lie, I can act bratty if I don't get something I SERIOUSLY want. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? None, really. What have you created that you are most proud of? A novel of very developed and deep RP characters over the years. What do you regret not doing or starting when you were younger? Learning German. As you get older, what are you becoming more and more afraid of? Mom dying. Being independent. In what situation or place would you feel the most out of place in? Most out of place? Would, like not one I've actually experienced? Uhhh idk. An orgy lmao.

[17.10.19] ✧ 8-10/100 days of productivity

These past few days have been absolutely insane, and since I didn’t post since Monday, I’m going to update you on this insanely exhilarating, stressful, and dramatic week.

[15.10.19]

I got to see Overcoats and The Japanese House live!! I went to the concert by myself and it was the most independent and exhilarating thing I think I’ve ever done. I’m so proud of myself and by the end I was scream-singing-crying along to the songs. It was more than amazing.

[16.10.19]

I had an existential crisis and confided in a close friend who lives close to me, and I finally got this sense of community from the people in my life and the people I live close with. I really felt like I was making close friends and that is super special to me because I’m a pretty closed-off person, but I’m also an oversharer and I value people who I can confide in and trust in. Let’s just say.. That lasted a grand total of 12 hours, and it reminded me why I am an oversharer and why I trust too easily.

[17.10.19]

The same person I literally talked to last night, who I literally poured my heart and soul out to (including personal information about relationship things) came to me this morning saying some other people knew these things about me saying “idk how they found out” but she wouldn’t tell me who said it or how she found out-- and just a lot of drama. I walked out of lecture crying and sat in the stupid lawn across from the orientation office crying for like an hour. Maybe because I had a moment of peace where I felt like I had my community- I had people I trusted- and then it takes me only a day to figure out all of that was fake?

Not only that, but it makes me re-evaluate myself-- a lot. It makes me think like: am I a shitty friend? Or just a shitty person? When I KNOW I’m a good person, and I know I’m kind, and I know I keep a pinky promise to the grave and I stick by my word. And I know I’m just letting all of this get to me, but seeing how I confided really personal information in these few people and to realize that I shouldn’t have ever trusted them with it in the first place was just really hurtful and makes me not want to make any new friends at all. 

She even had the audacity to ask me if I’d give her a ride to this other event???? --- I can’t even process that that was even on the table. Even after I made it more than obvious she broke my trust and I don’t consider her a friend anymore. Like we could just go to the event and forget all of this happened? I also confronted another person who was in the whole drama and they were like “sorry this is happening b” is if it wasn’t them who was making it happen?? Like you were talking about it?? I feel like I’m in high school and now that I’m almost 22 I don’t even know how to handle these situations anymore. It made me realize that I’m still very human -- that things like this really effect me because maybe I care to much about other people and I care too much about the way other people treat me and maybe my expectations are too high.

Like if people want to know my life and my business, fine-- but today really showed me who my true friends are. I’m hurt and angry and frustrated and upset. I have 3 people in my life who are my rocks and the people I called crying after today, and it’s made me realize maybe they’re the only 3 I need.

I’m proud of myself for confronting people who had hurt me, which isn’t something I normally do out of shyness or out of wanting to “avoid trouble”. I’m proud that I’m trusting myself and standing up for my own feelings, and prioritizing that over “just letting it slip”.

I ended my day having a good phone call with my mom that made me feel much more confident about myself, eating excessive amounts of froyo and buying unnecessary things at target with one of my best friends while she told me I’m a BAD BITCH who doesn’t need people to approve of me, and having a good phone call with someone close to me from abroad. That was what I needed from today.

And lastly, meeting with my advisor and a few other faculty members within the anthropology department today made me feel super unconfident in my future plans and my research. In one regard it made me feel super unprepared and excessively judged- and I think it’s just because I’m in the academic stage of dealing with hard material and working with people who really know what they’re doing, and I really don’t. I think I’m letting it all get to me: I need to start believing in myself more, and realizing that if I wasn’t capable I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Long story short, it’s been a lot. It’s hard handling things like this in college; and especially my senior year???? I honestly I didn’t sign up for any of this. On the bright side, I feel confident about the 3 amazing people I have in my life, I’m happy that I still prioritize self-care, I’m proud of my accomplishments, and I’ll be meeting with a research team tomorrow to look at becoming a research assistant!! I’m now a part of an emotional support group with our campus CARE program, and I am especially looking forward to that. And lastly, I have an interview next week! It can only go up from here-- xxx