#my therapist made a good point that it’s incredibly invalidating
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TLDR for my rant: it’s perfectly okay to admit you are bad at something, say something YOU made looks bad, and/or talk about the ways something you made didn’t live up to your expectations as long as someone does not internalize the message that because they are bad at something or did something bad doesn’t mean that they themselves are a bad person.
Desperately trying to explain to my therapist the difference between ‘I’m a terrible artists’ (self-derogatory and self-defeating) and ‘I’m a terrible artists (I fully acknowledge that I could be better at this skill given time and effort and that all art has value to someone. However. I am specifically choosing not to hone this skill due to a number of reasons and will never consider myself an ‘artist’. Thus, my art will never get better and I am okay with this)
And how I fall solidly into the latter category and how frustrating it is that it’s never seen that way. I say ‘I’m not an artist lol’ or ‘look at my terrible little drawing!” <-worst drawing you’ve ever seen but that’s okay. It’s always, always met by ‘don’t say that! Everybody is an artist!’ And ‘don’t talk bad about yourself and the things you create :(‘ like.
NO!
Some people do desperately need to hear and internalize those messages but I’m not one of them! My art is terrible! That’s the point! I’m never going to be good at it because I’ll never care to but damn if I’m not having the greatest time ever creating terrible art!
I don’t love the online implication (and real world implication when I tried to take art classes) that being okay with the fact I am bad at something is…a bad thing. A simple fact of life is that everyone is bad at something and it’s okay to both admit and be okay with that fact.
Tangentially related but it’s also okay to admit that when you are new at a skill…you’re probably gonna be bad at it. Like. Someone who’s still learning is gonna have some terrible first efforts and that’s the point. It gives you a growth point.
Example: I made a bag. I decided to add a zipper. It did not go as planned and the end result is in fact rather terrible. Simply a fact. However! I put a zipper! In a bag!! And maybe it does look horrible but that is something I’ve never done before and I did it all by myself and I can simultaneously admit it looks awful but be proud of the fact that I figured it out.
Like art I could be content with the success of finishing the project, but I can also use this as a launching point to get better. What I choose to do is up to me and I don’t appreciate people trying to tell me that I’m not allowed to call an objectively terrible finished project as such.
You cannot and will not ever get better at a skill if you are unwilling to accept that you will be bad at it. It makes that learning that acceptance all the harder when people are taught that they shouldn’t ever say bad things about what they make.
Rather than teaching the message ‘nothing anyone makes could possibly be bad in any way (skill wise)’ we would promote acceptance of ‘this is bad and that’s okay’
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk about ‘not every negative self-comment about something someone is self-deprecating’
#robin’s twittering#mini rant#listen people may not agree with me but#my therapist made a good point that it’s incredibly invalidating#when I say I’m not an artist and people can’t accept that because it’s ’self-depreciating’#I’ve thought about this a lot but most recently it came up with crochet#I teach people and the very first thing I always say is ‘no matter what you first project is it’s going to look terrible’#and someone took issue with that#but I think going into a new skill#with the understanding that it’s not going to be perfect and not to let that get you down#is so much healthier#it reduces frustration and promotes a better understanding of learning what went wrong so it can be corrected#also see: constructive criticism. super frustrating when you as for criticism and only hear ‘this is great’#less than useless. you cannot improve with a mindset of everything is always perfect exactly as it is
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Jfc NOBODY IS SAYING THAT STEDE'S TRAUMA EXCUSES HIS ACTIONS. Like. Why the FUCK is that always the first place you assholes go. You can't even acknowledge he HAS IT most of the time, but when you do the first thing you say about it is, "but that doesn't excuse anything!" No. One. Says. It. Does. But it would be nice to be able to fucking acknowledge it AT ALL without your asshole takes. We get it. You think Stede is the fucking worst and his trauma doesn't matter. Shut the fuck up.
Omg Stede anon is back!! Wow Im so honoured, welcome back!
I literally said in my tags that his trauma is what makes his actions so heartbreaking. Like I said, its nuanced. Someones actions can be hurtful to others and also incredibly understandable given the circumstances they're in. Which is why its so similar to his privilege, because Stede was raised in that privilege. The point is that hes a good man because he tries to learn and grow, as Im sure he'll do in this scenario as well.
Like I said, it fucking hurts to be told your self hatred hurts the people you care about. Most people who adopt self-hatred like Stedes do so for two reasons
1. To protect themselves from harm (via rejection, abuse, neglect, etc.)
2. To protect others from harm (because when you're told often enough that your existence is wrong, you start to internalize it and believe that your existence hurts others.)
That second one is so powerful, because yes, self-hate is selfish in the sense that you really have to believe that you're special or unique to believe that you, and only you, matter enough to be so deeply deserving of bad things. But the other piece is that most people who hate themselve that deeply also genuinely want to do whats best for others. Its why i see so many clients in therapy who tell me theyre afraid to be kinder to themselves because they think itll make them selfish.
Thats the stage that I see Stede at. He doesnt yet have the understanding, because of his history of trauma and chronic invalidation, to be able to contextualize how deeply selfish his self hate is. Moreover, he genuinely believes that hes doing whats best for others by acting the way he does.
This doesnt take away the hurt he caused. This doesnt negate the decisions hes made.
When I was deeply hurting, faced with a similar mindset, I made decisions that hurt people. I had a therapist tell me one session that I had hurt her by assuming the worst in her, something that I did because of how deeply I hated myself.
I resent my actions, still, to this day, and yet she showed me empathy and kindness and helped me forge a path forward so I wouldnt hurts others that way in the future.
Because of her pointing out the hurt I caused, i was able to learn and grow, and am a better, kinder person now because of it.
Thats what I mean when I say it doesnt negate the hurt he caused. Because often times seeing the hurt our self hatred causes is the ingredient thats needed to push us in the direction of healing, because we dont love ourselves enough to do it for us, but we love others enough to start that journey for them.
Anyways, its a topic Im deeply interested in, so even though you called me an asshole, Im grateful for you reaching out because it gave me the opportunity to put my thoughts into words, because as I said, I believe its an incredibly nuanced discussion, but as a Stede stan through and through it always makes me chuckle when I get these anons.
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Journaling 1
Recently I forgot everything I know and all of the promises I made to myself to love myself💔. For four years I ignored red flags, gaslighting and manipulation, alcoholism, cheating, secrets, lies, and my own emotions and intuition. I lowered my standards until we were wrapped up in the cycle of a toxic and mentally abusive relationship. Conversation after conversation, argument after argument, chance after chance until I ended it with the police to keep things from blowing up. Being in this type of relationship physically alters the brain, but I didn't know that! I was asking my therapist about my memory and telling my psychiatrist I still have anxiety. Adjusting medication dosages, which probably only made things worse. A person can't heal or grow in toxicity anyway. It's hard to let the people we love go, even when they aren't good for us and we're no longer good for them either. That's hard to accept, but I didn't like who I was becoming.
I couldn't understand someone with seemingly good intentions, asking for more chances while not truly valuing me, themselves, life, or the relationship they're in. Why stay? There was a time they were too good to be true and I'd still get glimpses of that person, so in some way I understand why people struggle to leave. I saw the patterns, but couldn't link my partner specifically with terms like "psychological abuse," if that makes any sense? I'm still not sure if everything we went through was related to their alcoholism, or mental health, or if it's truly a part of their personality too. I really struggle to believe it's who they are deep down, but I can still hear the irritation in their voice from me wanting just a moment out of their day. I still see the emptiness and boredom in their eyes, while I could hardly keep back the tears. I can feel the burning intensity in the same eyes that were empty and cold only hours ago. Turning them on and coming suddenly to life, to convince me you'd never do anything to hurt me. It's hard to respond, my heart is in my throat and my mind is screaming... "Then why do you keep hurting me?"
Regardless of whether it's intentional, hurtful behavior cannot go unchecked or unresolved. If someone can't respect your feelings, take accountability, or follow through on an apology, they don't have the maturity for a healthy and sustainable relationship. When a person is invalidated and manipulated long enough, they become insecure and start contributing to the toxicity. I know this, I've known for a long time yet I kept letting it all slide when nothing got better. I knew this was unhealthy, it felt unhealthy, my feelings and boundaries were ignored, I felt unwanted and intentionally misunderstood, arguments were heated, I wasn't taking care of myself, I called attention to words and behaviors that hurt to no avail, and I still didn't come to the conclusion from all of that, that my partner was using me, keeping me around. Or I simply wouldn't accept it.
The other side to them could be incredibly caring and I think maybe they actually did care at one point a few years ago. They were affectionate, helpful, shared my responsibilities, helped with projects, listened to my thoughts and feelings, prioritized our quality time (all of which I'd hear about during arguments, even if I didn't ask for anything). They spoke kindly, and would repeatedly say they'll treat me better, talk to me respectfully, communicate more, get help with drinking, be more open and honest. They talked beautifully about the future, life together, sent me love songs and promises to change, even talked about buying a house and getting married, reassured me that they truly wanted me. Wanted me... Yes that much was true, but wanting me isn't valuing me, isn't loving me.
Those glimpses of who they were when we met and how wonderful we could be together, are what kept me going... It was rarely followed through, but they used all of the above to say they've "been trying". This led to more confusion, I questioned my own perceptions and thought I might be overreacting. I wasn't sure if I was coming or going in that relationship. All I knew in the moment was that I loved this person. I came to trust them enough to open up in ways I never thought I would, and to hope for a future I didn't realize I wanted. I was craving their quality time and seeking validation, but they had withdrawn to an emotionally unavailable place that I couldn't reach. I cried for like a week and a half thinking I missed them after they left, until one phone call and the texts that followed put it all into perspective. I don't think most people get this moment of clarity, brutal honesty from the person who keeps hurting them. It's the shortest recovery time I've ever experienced from the intense crying phase of a breakup. I do still cry and have moments of deep sadness, but honestly that call and some of the texts made things so clear to me that I have very little to grieve over anymore. The reminders still hurt when I'm hit with intrusive memories, but I'm allowing myself to accept and honor my feelings. Then I have to move on with each day. I have chosen to forgive her and I'm trying to forgive myself too.
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🔒Now for the 🔑self love and words of affirmation🔓
❤️LOVE YOURSELF!❤️
🌹I love myself!
🌹I am beautiful!
🌹I love my body!
🌹I love my face!
🌹I love everything about me!
🌹I am caring!
🌹I am passionate!
🌹I am strong!
🌹I can achieve anything!
🌹I deserve everything I want in life!
🌹I have a big heart and all of my love is for me!
🌹I won't give anyone space in my life who loves me
less than I love myself!
Would the person you're with be okay with you acting the way they do in the relationship? 🤔 Mirror them for a week and find out. Recognize what you deserve and have the courage to leave someone who doesn't deserve you!
Think about this 💭. What would you tell your best friend, your sister, daughter, niece if they were going through what you are? Treat yourself as another loved one, and only allow people into your life who respect and appreciate you. Would you want anyone else to feel the way this person makes you feel? You are just as important and worthy of genuine, healthy love! Bring people into your life who you feel safe and proud to also bring into your family.
Love yourself, take care of yourself first!
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some coping mechanism are wrong and do need to be discussed or changed!! neurodivergency doesn’t give u an excuse to hurt or trigger others!! coping mechanisms don’t exist in vaccums... and you and ur followers are harming real people by saying such
i was going to ignore most everything i got on the subject because quite frankly i'm over it. every opposing take either doesn't make sense, is completely ignorant, or is just plain stupid.
this one? is just idiocy.
so i'm gonna take the time to explain some things to you.
i cannot begun to express the ignorance and privilege that is seeped into every single word of this ask. i am actually baffled that you genuinely thought that this was, in any way shape or form, okay. or that you even thought this was a hot take at all.
you do not have any jurisdiction or power to tell other people that the way they cope is wrong. that is so beyond disgusting.
do you know why people choose to write dark content to cope?
a few reasons that range from: gives power/comfort over their trauma to lets them release emotions that otherwise have no outlet.
beyond that is that some people don’t have the resources or support system needed to cope in other ways. all they may have is a pen and paper or a laptop. they may not live in a home where they were believed, they may still be trapped with their abuser, or they may just plain not be able to afford therapy.
but do you know what the fun thing is? plenty of these people who choose to cope in this way are advised by their therapists to do it. like myself.
i used to write in little notebooks as a child -- really dark, foul shit and i didn’t understand why i did it. i talked to my therapist and i was told it’s a great outlet! i have to say writing is probably one of the top reasons i managed to get to the space i am in today.
when i learned the wonders of the internet growing up, i also sought out to READ the content. of course, it was very hard to find because of people like you who do nothing but shame it simply because of the real world values the crimes possess and for some reason refuse to see it in a fictional, helpful way.
it’s a very real and very valid coping mechanism: both reading and writing are incredibly beneficial.
this outlet also helps people just the same as it can hurt people. i don’t know who or what you think you’re doing but survivors who are triggered by the content of a darker nature WILL NOT CLICK ON IT TO READ IT. why are you acting like survivors and victims are brainless, mindless idiots who will read something clearly labeled with their triggers as if there’s some invisible force dictating them too?
and who are you? a highschool student? a college student? a therapist? what right gives you, a random person on the internet, to dictate something that has been ADVISED and PROVEN to help with coping to trauma to deem it wrong?
im gonna go ahead and say your morality. nothing beyond that.
you see dark content as just disgusting porn fucked up people jerk off to but it’s beyond that. and very obviously something you do not understand and most likely refuse to understand.
you think because you think something is wrong that it should be wrong all around. you don’t like it so it shouldn’t be done.
i hate to break it to you but the real world isn’t going to cater to you. i sure as fuck won’t. i’m not in charge of making you feel happy or content on the internet. if you log on to your computer and expect people to babysit you and make you feel comforted and safe -- you’re doing the internet wrong.
you only choose to see the negative side to this. you see that people can be triggered or hurt by this content and that’s valid. people can and will be. but there’s also a HUGE number that people like you choose to ignore and invalidate under the guise of protecting survivors only to hurt them at the same time. it doesn’t make sense.
you’re not trying to advocate and protect people -- you’re trying to make the fandom and content match up to your puritan ideals and fantasies. the world isn’t like that. people are always going to do things you don’t like and have opposing opinions on things. stop trying to act like you’re doing this for the greater good -- a martyr, hero complex isn’t a cute look and we can see exactly what you’re doing.
i don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that dark content does not have as big of a negative impact as you think it does.
i also don’t understand how other survivors can see what people like me do and tell us we’re wrong. i don’t go out of my way to shame you and say “oh you don’t like dark content? weird.” i mind my own fucking business and stay away from blogs that don’t want to interact with dark content writers.
i am respectful always. i never attack people for having opposing opinions. i never attack people personally. people who write dark content don’t do that shit.
you know who does?
your side.
you know what someone said to me in an effort to shame me and bully me for writing what i write? they called my writing shit -- the thing i use to cope and help other cope. i’ve never gone on anon or off anon and told someone their writing was shit.
i also had someone ask me why i think being a victim made me special. i’m gonna let you sit and figure out exactly what is wrong with that question.
those are the types of people you’re enabling and encouraging. if you people just left dark writers alone we wouldn’t hurt anyone. you all preach this shit about how dark content is SOOOOO easily availble anyone can read it. that is false. the only way to find dark content is to ALREADY BE ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE WHO CREATE OR CONSUME DARK CONTENT. it’s not tagged in the main tags. it will not show up in your orbit or be blasted on your page because someone posted it.
and then you people say “oh minors will be convinced it’s okay!!!” no. minors aren’t as stupid as you seem to think they are. they fully know and understand exactly what they’re getting into. they see the word rape and know in real life THAT’S BAD.
you don’t want a slasher film and think “oh wow look at him killin all those people but not getting caught I COULD DO THAT TOO!!!!” no. you don’t. because you know it’s wrong.
y’all are so high up on you moral horse that you think everyone around you is fucking stupid and has no common sense.
if someone thinks what they read in fiction makes it okay in real life, there was already something wrong with them to begin with.
but no, you’ll pull out anything on earth to try and get your point across. from secondhand trauma to it just being offensive.
and i hate to be the one to tell you this but...all this crusading is doing basically nothing in the long run. you know what happened yesterday from being called out? i lost 9 followers.
and then i gained 20. and now im only 100 away from 16,000.
what did all of this achieve? what does any of this even do?
whenever you people do this what exactly is it you want? do you expect us to just...stop...because you don’t like it? are you really so self-centered and self-righteous that you think you’re THAT important. do you really believe your opinion and voice is the loudest and most important to consider?
because it really isn’t.
just as you’re sitting here telling me you’re wanting to protect people -- i’m wanting to help people. do you know how many people i’ve had thank me for making them feel better about their owwn fantasies that they’d previously been ashamed of because they’re a victim? or how many people thank me for providing the content they rely on to cope?
i’m gonna go ahead and say those are the people i want to help. those are the people i care about. and i don’t know what it’s gonna take for you people to understand that i will not stop until i DECIDE to.
this is the internet. none of your opinions or words have any long-lasting, realistic effect on me, my person, or my life. i could delete my blog and in a month nothing any of you have said to me over this course of time will have impacted me in the long term. of course, other people are more sensitive and can get hurt by this discourse.
but i don’t. i’m a lot more stubborn and thick-skinned than you people may seem to realize.
your words will continue to go in one ear and out the other. i know where i stand. i know where i want to remain.
your morality nor your opinions are blanket rules that everyone should abide by. get some perspective and learn your place in the world before speaking on things you clearly cannot understand.
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Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing
As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.
I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.
I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.
I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.
While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.
To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.
Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.
Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.
The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.
Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.
Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.
There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.
His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.
I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.
At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.
At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.
In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.
I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.
I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.
This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.
I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.
It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.
Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house
By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.
The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.
I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.
Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.
Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?
Holy. Actual. Fuck.
Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.
I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.
I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.
He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.
I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.
As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.
Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.
Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.
Happy Pride!
#pride#gay#lgbt#journaling#love#queer#coming out#coming out stories#queer trauma#adolescent trauma#self love#healing#trauma
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So, I made a post a while ago that got popular enough to just destroy my mentions.
And, like, I’ve been on and off annoyed about that because it was venting about how being autistic can lead to developing a specific kind of social anxiety through you not recognising the social cues of rejection, and that leading to you seeing them everywhere as you overcompensate.
And it really was venting, and it had a kind of negative energy that I don’t 100% avoid at all times, but I try not to rely on, and so it’s frustrating that it’s so popular and most of my notifications now are just reblogs that have that same negative energy (which I specifically avoid posting because I know seeing it all the time isn’t good for my mental health).
Anyway, another blog reblogged it recently to add a positive spin, of like, “actually, it’s important to remember that this anxiety is just anxiety and most people do actually want you around.”
And this was good. 10/10, the only reason I haven’t reblogged it back here with an addition of “actually, I’m really glad someone added something positive to this post” is that I’ve been busy.
Except now, the reblog chain has turned into “Yeah, no one ever rejects you ever, You. Are. Valid. And. Loved.”
And, like...
That feels like too far in the other direction.
Like I’m being told that my actual experiences of rejection never happened.
And, like, “loved” by whom?
“Valid” by whose authority?
Some rando on the internet?
Because, like, at this point in my life, yes, the problem is that I have learned defences that need to come down.
But I didn’t learn those defences in a vacuum.
Some people aren’t loved.
Or the people who do love them can’t be there enough to form a real emotional support.
That is a cold, hard fact of life that I don’t think it helps anyone to ignore.
I have gone through years of my life when I had No One.
When my family had bigger problems than my isolation and I had no friends.
And, like, don’t get me wrong, I get a lot out of “uwu you’re valid” statements, this is not a blanket “this has no value” thing.
But when someone says “hey, I have trauma because X happened and now I have to unlearn my defence mechanisms”
“But X never happens! And don’t forget that strangers on the internet think you’re valid!” is kind of... super invalidating?
X might be unlikely. The defence mechanisms might do more harm than X itself.
But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen, and it doesn’t mean that certain marginalised groups aren’t more affected by it than others.
I’ve had this a lot with different kinds of posts. Like, it’s been incredibly common for me to talk about a difficulty I’ve had and for people to think they’re helping by pretending that it never happened because that’s the easier narrative.
“No one ever thinks badly of strangers, that’s just in your head!”
Or “No one ever has a bad therapist, that’s just an excuse not to seek help!”
Or any number of other responses to posts where I’m like “hey, maybe the bad thing does happen, and while that doesn’t mean that I don’t need to get over it in my personal life, maybe we also need to address it on a broader scale”.
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CHEMISTRY | Run (2)
PART 2 - RUN
SERIES MASTERLIST
DRABBLE SERIES, TONS OF SHORT LITTLE CHAPTERS. WILL BE UPDATED OFTEN CAUSE HOSEOK IS THE #1 SOURCE OF MY PAIN
Pairing: Hoseok / Reader
Rating: 18+
Genre: FWB, university AU
Warnings: cursing, avoiding emotions and responsibility, future smut, Hoseok just makes a cameo in this one
Word count for this part: 2K
Summary: After a few years of being immune to Jung Hoseok’s charms, you suddenly fall into them, head first. All it takes is one night, too much alcohol and a lot of balls.
“Rise and shine, you drunk idiot,” are the words with which Seokjin greets you. The massive headache that you are suffering makes his voice sound 20 times louder than it really is, which is not your favorite way of starting hangover Sundays. Despite knowing that he won’t be deterred from waking you up, you still keep your eyes closed, hoping that today is a day of miracles and Seokjin decides to give you a break. He doesn’t - instead he grabs a hold of the ankle of your left foot and starts shaking it left to right, trying to shake you awake. “Come on, you’ve been out the whole day, I was scared you were dead. Get your ass up, take an aspirin and be an adult.”
“That sounds like a plan,” your voice is worn out, a tell-tale sign that you had spent last night yelling into someone’s ear. “God, why did you let me drink this much? You should have forced water down my throat,” you grunt as you struggle to get yourself into a seated position - you don’t fall back and the room is not spinning. So far, so good.
“Oh, I was planning on doing that,” Seokjin grins down at you, not looking the least bit hungover - genes, he’d tell you with a proud look on his face. “But by the time I returned from the kitchen, you already had Hoseok’s tongue down your throat.”
And then, you remember. Boy oh boy, do you remember. Seokjin laughs at you, amused by your expression as realization sets in. You’ve hooked up with Hoseok. You’ve made out with Hoseok. And you did, in fact, sit on his dick, just like you’ve wanted to. Luckily for you, you were both fully clothed. Seriously, lucky you - if you remember anything in detail, it’s that you weren’t alone.
“Everyone saw us last night, didn’t they?” you ask, sighing when Seokjin nods immediately.
“Everyone. I mean, you were hardly being shy about it, jumping his bones in the middle of the living room,” Seokjin reminds you how straightforward, perhaps even pushy, you were with Hoseok. Both before and after the kissing had started. “For what it’s worth, he wasn’t complaining.”
“I have no idea what had gotten into me,” you admit, trying to recall when, if ever, you’ve thought of Hoseok as more than a friend. And you did not - he was always a friend, that good looking friend that you wouldn’t even consider as a possible hook up option. Your brain had short-circuited last night, and although surprising, it isn’t completely unfounded.
“Well, Hoseok did not, I can assure you,” Seokjin is laughing his ass, his expression softening a bit when he notices just how uncomfortable you are with his teasing. “Come on Y/N, don’t overthink this. You’re both single and hot. You were horny and he was stoned and happy to help. Making out with him once won’t change your friendship, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Yeah, in theory,” you mumble, knowing already that the next time you see Hoseok, you will feel very awkward. Maybe he won’t and that saves the day? It’s a possibility, but you’re not almighty and situations like these tend to turn you into an awkward mess of a person.
“You’ve made out with Jimin before and you’re still close,” Seokjin shrugs.
“Yeah, but that’s different. That’s Jimin. We did it jokingly, more than anything else,” you shake your head, knowing, remembering that whatever last night was, it was different. “I have no clue what happened. One second he was there, dancing, minding his own business and the next I just… had this strong urge to kiss him.”
“Well, at least you’re a go-getter,” Seokjin laughs at your glare, still refusing to accept this as a possible issue in the making. “Come on, I didn’t walk all the way to your place for therapy hour. You’re nursing a hangover and we need coffee. When you have enough caffeine in your system, you’ll remember that Hobi is the chillest guy on the planet and that your worries are completely baseless. It can be awkward for a week or two but you’re both grown adults, right?”
“Right,” you agree, choosing to hold onto that thought. You’re not kids or horny teens - it’ll be okay. A few inside jokes, a couple of days of awkwardness and a lifetime of teasing from your mutual friends - nothing you can’t handle. No harm, no foul. It’ll all be hilarious in a week or two.
“You’re acting weird,” Jungkook’s statement makes you freeze, the breakfast burrito in your hands inches away from your mouth. After years of being friends with him, it shouldn’t be a surprise when Jungkook says the most random things at the most random times, but somehow, it still is.
“No, I’m not,” you deny.
“You are,” Jungkook nods, as if he is confirming it with himself. “You’re all jumpy. If I didn’t know you any better, I’d think you’re on the run from the law,” he laughs at his own joke, before suddenly stopping to fix you with a suspicious look. “You’re not on the run, right?”
“No Jungkook, I’m not hiding from the cops. I’m not even halfway through my first coffee.”
“She’s just hiding from Hobi.”
You glare at Namjoon from across the table. First of all, his assumption is rude. Second of all, it is absolutely correct. Well, you weren’t exactly actively avoiding Hoseok, but you also weren’t volunteering to spend time at places where you knew he’d be. Instead, you have spent the past few days occupying yourself with random and not so random tasks and obligations, all while trying not to think about how he’s a good kisser. Or how good he smells. Or how firmly his hands gripped your waist that night. Nope. Not going to think about it.
“Why would she hide from Hobi?” Jungkook is confused.
“I’m not hiding from Hobi,” you tell him, before turning to give Namjoon a pointed look. “I’m not hiding from Hobi,” you repeat in a warning tone - it’s clear that you don’t want to talk about it.
“Perfect,” Namjoon offers you an angelic smile. “Then you won’t have a problem with him joining us? I mean, he’s already walking our way,” he adds, looking over your shoulder.
Your knee jerk reaction is very literal - a sudden movement leads to a loud bang, a whine and you clutching onto your right knee that you’ve just hit against the table in a lame attempt of making a run for it. Panicked, you turn around to check if Hoseok had seen this, only to realize that he is nowhere to be seen. The shit eating grin on Namjoon’s face when you look back at him is confirmation enough. “I hate you,” you deadpan as he keeps on laughing at you.
“Why are you like this,” Jungkook asks you as you rub your knee, still very much in pain. “Is it because you made out last weekend?” he interrogates you before chugging on his yogurt.
“Maybe,” you reluctantly admit, since you were so obvious there was no use in denying it. “I know it doesn’t make much sense but it’s just… weird.”
“You’re being overdramatic, as usual,” Namjoon chuckles. In moments like these, you wonder why you’re still friends with the guy. Sure, he can be charming, nice and helpful, but he can also be a smartass and act all high and mighty, just like he is doing now. “Not that you would know, since you’re hiding from the guy, but Hoseok is not avoiding you. The situation isn’t weird - you are.”
“If I wanted therapy, I’d pay for a professional,” you snap.
“I’m on Y/N’s side here,” Jungkook pauses to swallow his food before continuing. “We can tease and joke, we always do that but we shouldn’t invalidate her feelings. If she is feeling awkward, she has every right to feel that way. Don’t invalidate her feelings, Joon,” he ends his speech with a little worried pout, making himself look at least 5 years younger.
“Have you been watching Dr. Phil again?” Namjoon asks him.
“Hey!” you jump in Jungkook’s defense immediately. “Don’t be an ass - he has a point and he is being nice. I didn’t ask for your opinion, which you generously offered anyways. Hoseok’s feelings about this have no affect on me - I’m feeling awkward and I’d rather push said awkwardness under the rug for the time being.”
“Unlike Mr. Smarty Pants Architect who actually does watch Dr. Phil, I’m the only psych major sitting at this table,” Jungkook starts and you laugh at the not so subtle drag directed at Joon. “It’s my duty as your friend and a future therapist to say that the tactic you’re turning to is not healthy and will likely cause more trouble. But,” he emphasizes, noticing that you have already opened your mouth to complain. “It’s your choice. You know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.”
“Oh, so you’re saying that her acting like the two of them have divorced after 20 years of marriage instead of… exchanging saliva is valid?”
“Stop!” you glare at Namjoon. “You’ve heard Jungkook – my feelings are valid.”
“You’re a coward and you know it,” Namjoon laughs at you. He’s not completely wrong – you are a coward, but you also have your reasons. “You were making out – it’s not the end of the world.”
“Yes, but it’s not a random dude we’re talking about here! It’s... Hoseok!” you whisper his name, as if someone other than the two of them could actually hear you say his name in the crowded and incredibly noisy university cafeteria.
“All the more,” Joon widens his arms in exasperation. “Hobi is not an ass. He’s not going to make it worse, he’ll probably laugh about it, but seeing as you’ve been playing hide and seek, you won’t have a chance to. The longer you wait, the harder it will be once you can no longer avoid him. And honestly, the time is around the corner because I have no idea how you plan on skipping Yoongi’s birthday party.”
As if you needed a reminder of that. There is no way in hell that you can make up an excuse big enough to avoid going to Yoongi’s party - a family emergency wouldn’t work, not when this is your closest group of friends. You’ll have to be there, Hoseok will absolutely be there and you have three whole days to get your shit together.
“I’ll do my shit at my own time,” you conclude proudly, knowing that you will figure it out and it won’t be because of Namjoon’s impromptu intervention.
“Um… Y/N,” Jungkook lets out a nervous laughter. “I’m not so sure about that. Hobi’s walking towards us, right now.”
“I’m not falling for that again,” you wave your hand in dismissal, the pain that you are still feeling in your right knee reminding you of Joon’s failed attempts to trick you.
“He’s really not lying,” Namjoon sips on his coffee sassily, the slurping sound coming from his straw making you want to throw something at him. But there’s something about the cocky look on his face that makes you realize that he’s not joking this time. Not to mention that Jungkook, unlike Joon, is an actual sweetheart of a person who would not lie to you just to spite you. Gulping, you decide to risk and check.
And sure enough, as you turn around you can see Hoseok just a few tables away, smiling at the three of you – ripped jeans, white shirt, green snapback and that stupid, blinding smile. For a second, only for a second, your eyes meet and before either one of you can make a face or react in any way, you are standing up and this time around, your knees are safe.
“I have to go,” you grab your bag and phone and speed walk before anyone can tell you anything. You can hear Jungkook yell after you, but you’re already a few tables away from them, walking towards safety as fast as you can.
Was it stupid? Yeah, probably. Was it obvious? Painfully. But fight or flight kicked in and up up and away you went.
#jhope smut#hoseok smut#jhope fanfic#hoseok fanfic#jhope drabble#hoseok drabble#bts au#bts fanfic#bts fanfiction#bts scenario#hoseok fwb#hobi fwb#hobi smut#jhope scenarios#jhope au#hoseok x reader#hoseok x oc
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Parent/Teacher Night: Ch 2, Remember When
In which Shino recalls some thens and compares them to the nows, and gets inspired to change some things with Kiba's encouragement.
*Modern AU, Swearing
**You can find this on AO3 now too, along with the first chapter. Let's gooooooooo!!!
•••
"He asked to trade numbers?" Kiba repeated, pausing all motion, chopsticks mid snatch for a gyoza.
"Yes. Is that... Weird?"
"Well, no."
Kiba reached over and chose his specimen, a plump piece just asking to be dipped. Shino continued eat his steamed rice. It was okay if Kiba wanted the last of the gyoza. Shino thought he might enjoy a serving of the restaurant's ice-cream after he finished his meat instead.
"But even I don't have Shikamaru's number. Least not his current one."
"You don't?"
"Nah," Kiba took in the gyoza whole and spoke as he chewed, "but ah neber bothered doo update it, I hab 'im on my socials anyway."
"Oh."
He swallowed, "But you didn't even have any kind of social media until later in college. You were late to the game!"
"I didn't see the point then..."
"And that's fine. He probably doesn't even know you have them now. But you know he's been pretty absent from social media too. Figures."
"According to Ino, he's been back in town since April."
"Well of course Ino would know, she's always been in everyone else's business. Especially Shikamaru's, and Choji's too!"
Shino silently made a face, distorting the corner of his mouth as if reluctant to agree, but Kiba barked out a laugh when he caught him.
"It's true though, isn't it!? You would know, Shino!"
Shino didn't plan to be seen, but oh well, "I think it's just her way of showing she cares. Those three are practically family, aren't they?"
Kiba sighed and rolled his eyes, "Listen, dude, just cause you 'dated' her for a couple of years back in college doesn't mean you have to be nice after the fact. It's okay! She has her manipulative bitchy side too. How else could she make it as a therapist."
"Psychiatrist."
"That."
Kiba emphasized the word "dated" in such a way that caused Shino to scowl. Geez, if Ino didn't insist on sharing pictures online...
"Don't invalidate my opinions just because you think they're biased, Kiba. Also, people grow from high school, don't be stuck in the past either."
"I'm not saying it's invalid, geez, but ever since you've always been soft on her..."
"Jealous?"
Kiba immediately threw a dirtied, crumpled up napkin at Shino's head as he blew raspberries in disbelief. Of course Shino dodged it.
"And that!" Kiba almost yelled, though he had a huge smile on his face, "You're sass meter has been off the charts since then!"
"I thought I was just asking a question," Shino simply replied, though he smiled too.
"Fucking jerk," he crossed his arms and closed his eyes, sighing dreamily, "Why would I be jealous when I'm with Tamaki now?"
Shino suppressed the urge to crinkle up his nose, "I remember back in high schoo-"
"THAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL!!" Kiba interrupted, not upset but voice almost breaking in both embarrassment and amusement simultaneously, "Now who's the one stuck in the past!"
"Well anyway, I was just curious if you had heard from him recently, because this was the first time I had seen him since he was an undergrad. That was a while ago."
"Same here, bud. But then here's a thought, if he's just working these days, and he's giving out his number to old friends, maybe we should all get together sometime! So why don't you also friend him on socials while you're at it?"
Shino paused and considered the suggestion.
Shino could do that. Actually, Shino could have done so a long time ago if he had wanted to. But for all the times he had seen Shikamaru's obvious username and cloud icon, he never sent friend request himself. He created his socials for the sole purpose of studygroup based messaging and had planned to delete his social media after school ended for good. But two months in and Kiba somehow found him, and then shortly after Hinata did too. Then Naruto also found Shino and from there he actually aquired a few more friend requests, including from Lee and Sai. Even Ino sent him a friend request, though Ino and Shino had actually attended the same University in the beginning. And then she called him out on it the next time she saw him in person, because how could Shino friend nearly all their mutuals and NOT Ino? He even friended Sakura before Ino! Though, Shino had a suspicion Sakura's request may had been a result of clumsy typing. Shino definately hadn't meant anything by it, but that started a series of... interesting talks between the two. But all and all, Shino suspected that's why he saw Shikamaru's icon so often, among others he didn't quite recognize himself.
Of course Shino knew he didn't have to accept the requests at all. He could've delete them even. But... it didn't seem right to ignore them either. And maybe it felt... kinda nice being reached out to...
"I mean, shit, maybe I should shoot him a message too..." Kiba mused.
"... I was under the impression it was for Mirai's sake."
Kiba perked up, "Huh?"
"That's because a cellphone number is a personal and direct line. If Mirai is currently under my care as a student, wouldn't it make sense to have multiple contacts in case of an emergency?"
Kiba sighed. Typical Shino, "Did Shikamaru say it was strictly for emergencies only?"
"... No."
"So, Dude, maybe... just maybe, Shikamaru simply isn't aware that you have socials? I know I know... social media is meant to be for socializing, but so are direct lines! Why does a direct line have to be so off limits? You're not a stranger to Shikamaru either, Shino. I mean, if anything, he probably trusts you a lot, knowing the kind of person you've ways been. It's a personal line after all, right?"
Not a stranger, but definitely not the person closest the Shikamaru either... It didn't quite make sense beyond Mirai's safety... but, maybe that was Shino's own opinion...
"... I'm over thinking it again."
"Yup."
"... Maybe I will. I'm already friends with Ino and Choji..."
"Yeah! Just complete the trio! Here let's see..." Kiba took out his phone and started to review something, "... I think the only people you're not friends with besides Shikamaru are... Sasuke, who simply deleted everything at one point, Neji, but he really only followed me because of Hinata," Kiba added wearily, "aaand a lot of... other people... but, like, you're better off that way. I have a lot of those assholes blocked or didn't bother. Even Sasuke had been more better of an option than them!"
"Like who?"
"Like I had to block Shikamaru's psycho ex-girlfriend Tayuya. Fucking nightmare that girl was..."
"Ah... the flute player," Shino wasn't all that to date back in the day either, but even he knew about Tayuya...
"Sure that was YEARS ago, and maybe she's different now? But she was... not okay then. To be fair, Shikamaru wasn't blameless, but cripes... After the break-up she was constantly stalking him online... I've just kept her blocked for good measure, I don't know if she's still even there."
Another reason Shino didn't want social media at the time... It made it too easy to let people in. In all honesty the idea had felt overwhelming, and sometimes still does...
"So you're good there."
"Sasuke, Shikamaru, Neji..."
"... Anyone else?"
"... I think those are the last few people from back then I'd actually tolerate. Shikamaru had been your friend, and Sasuke... wasn't always so aloof before he disappeared... And then Neji is Hinata's cousin..."
"Ha! Perfect! So then why not friend Neji too, just for the hell of it? You two had some kind of bro pact, I do remember that."
"He just worried about Hinata, Kiba. Between you and Naruto, I could see why."
"Sue me Shino, it's not my fault the school was full of cute girls!" Kiba nearly whined, but with a ridiculously dopey smile on his face.
It made Shino think. Shikamaru was one of the only people he more regularly saw who didn't reach out to him. But of course Shikamaru had a problem with a stalker at one point. That would make anyone weary of social media. Kiba had even stated he wasn't on much. Shino couldn't fault him for that.
Sasuke apparently deleted his, but it wasn't like they were the closet to begin with, despite humble beginnings. Shino had his fair share of complaints when it came to Sasuke, but when he transferred to a different school before senior year started, even Shino felt his absence.
And recalling high school, Neji did once ask for Shino's socials before. But it was obviously for the same reason of wanting to keep extra tabs on his little cousin and her "new friends" in Environmental Club. Shino had already explained he didn't have any, and he wasn't sure Neji believed him, but had agreed to be very careful with Hinata, who had started to hang out with he and Kiba more after they returned her book she had left in the club classroom. Shino kept it as Kiba was terribly tempted to take a peek, but once it had been returned, and Kiba expressed his curiosity, Hinata shyly presented them with page after page of pressed flowers, all marked with name, date, and little tidbits of info. She became even more bashful at Kiba's amazement and Shino's praise. It was just very well organized and aesthetically pleasing, something she and Ino would bond over later into their friendships.
So then, it was very surprising to know that such a timid girl had an incredible amount of skill in Martial Arts, but had opted to join Environment Club instead of Martial Arts Club. It was less of a shock to find out she and the school's Number One MAC member were related, first cousins even. They had a strong resemblance to each other.
As for Shino and Neji, their mutual fondness for Hinata became a source of camaraderie at some point. Despite expectations and Neji's sterness, all he really wanted was for Hinata to simply have fun during school, and he very much appreciated Shino looking out for her. So Kiba wasn't wrong. And in current time, Hinata had ultimately decided she was gonna live out of town due to... many reasons, but mainly because of her job as a pastry chef in a very successful and family owned cafe and bakery. Of course cinnamon rolls were her specialty, but Shino's feed always had some of the most delightful pictures of various decorated confections, most made by her too. He wasn't the biggest fan of sweets in general, but he was very fond of her handy work. You could tell she loved her job with every detail.
"Crap! Hey Shino, did you wanna order anything to go?"
"Uh, no. I think that was enough."
"Alright cause it's about time I go meet Tamaki," Kiba grinned, "Here's my part!"
Kiba slammed a twenty dollar bill down onto the table and hurriedly put his jacket back on. When Shino looked at the time it was nearly half past six. Oh, the reservation was made for seven. Maybe he talked too much.
"We might've pushed it, Kiba."
"No way, it's fine! I mean I don't mind going if that's where she wants to go, but you know how fancy places are! I need food Shino, actual food!"
Shino was glad that his friend was putting in so much effort for this girl. It seemed like he really liked her, and she was pretty cute, and also... nice. But when it came to things like this, Shino wasn't sure how long this was really gonna last. But it probably wasn't his place to comment.
"Make sure Akamaru takes his medicine, he'll definitely down it if you give him the peanut butter too."
"Sure, no problem."
"Also, Shino."
"Yes?"
"Seriously, don't be so shy! Just friend them!"
"Stop dawdling, you're gonna be late."
Kiba laughed as he waved and nearly jogged out of the restaurant. After paying and boxing the rest of Kibas plate for later (Shino was sure his idiot friend was gonna be hungry again) Shino headed out to Kiba's apartment. He already had a key, ever since he had come back to town. They had always been close like that, though with these new developments Shino always made it a point to give Kiba space and a heads up.
Akamaru was getting old. This medicine was supposed to help him in his old age, and just as Kiba said, Akamaru took the medication with no problem. Shino also made sure that the bowls were full of water and food. Because there was now also Akemaru, a younger dog of the same breed that Kiba had come across one day at the shelter. After only a few weeks and no adoptions, Kiba couldn't resist and ended up adopting him, and he and Akamaru became very close. As a favor to their otherwise absent owner, Shino got the younger and more energetic dog ready for a walk. When Shino offered to take Akamaru, the old boy wagged his tail and came to lick Shino's hand, but then retreated back to his bed and laid down. Looks like that was gonna be a pass, but he was thankful for the offer.
...
Shit.
Okay. Okay, that was it. Actually, this was perfect. Before Shino really started the walk, he pulled out his phone. He scrolled through he recommended friends list of his most commonly used social and easily found the cloud icon that belonged to Shikamaru. It was the same app he even had people like Kurenai and his father on. Just being able to keep anyone of relevance to his social circles on the same app was fine. It kept them close, but not too close either. Available, but at a distance. The only other people who had Shino's personal line were Kiba, Hinata, Kurenai, his father Shibi, Torune and Neji.
Shino hadn't mentioned that to Kiba, but in reality, they hadn't kept much contact anyway. So Shino hoped Kiba didn't snoop his friends list later, but he decidedly sent Shikamaru a friend request and put his phone away into a pocket. Then after switching out his glasses, as to see better in the evening, he left the apartment and began his walk with Akemaru. This would definitely keep him from getting too anxious about it. Shino didn't really know why he was like this, but it was done and now it was up the Shikamaru if he really wanted to catch up. Not that there was a whole lot to catch up on. He was more Kiba's friend after all, always had been, but Shino was sure Kiba didn't really think about that kind if thing too deeply.
Thankfully there was a park a couple blocks down, which even in the evening looked easy to navigate. The air was fresh and chilly, but tolerable with his coat on. Akemaru was good on a leash, and so Shino was able to keep a steady but not rushed pace. He followed a predetermined path, one Shino was actually familiar with too and so he was able to relax as his body went into coast mode.
...
It was nice. Just focusing on the walk. But Shino couldn't help thinking back to his high school days too. Seeing Shikamaru hadn't really been a shock so much as a surprise. He definitely... grew. His voice was deeper. His hair seemed more or less the same length, but maybe looked longer as now he styled it differently. Instead of the low and rather disheveled ponytail he used to wear, he now kept it only half up it looked like. Shino didn't think it looked bad at all, but with some loose strands in his face and the more casual clothes he had been wearing, Shino really wondered if Shikamaru wasn't more or less dragged last minute to PTN. But maybe he was thinking of the Shikamaru from before. Because this Shikamaru was actually... really approachable. And very kind with his words. Maybe that's what growing up some did to people.
Because the one from before was always annoyed, and grumpy, and quiet unless spoken to, yet Naruto and his shenanigans always put a mischievous smirk on his face. Shino had found him a little intimidating. But it wasn't until Kiba and Naruto decided to drag Shino AND Hinata out to a lunchtime hangout and pretty much threw them into the mix of different friends they shared that Shino met Shikamaru, as well as most everyone else. Shino had recognized Ino, and Ino did too after he mentioned Torune, seeing as Torune and Foo both graduated the year before.
"Torune? Like, short black hair, really thick glasses?"
"He has green eyes too."
"Hey, yeah! You're my cousin's boyfriend's cousin! What a small world!"
It was pretty lame introduction.
"And... you're Ino, right?"
"Wow, Ino, he remembered you!" a pink haired girl chastised.
"Oh, shut up, Forehead, it's not like we ever really hung out before. I think we met, like, once at one of Foo's birthdays?"
"That's true," Shino agreed, "I just went for the drive to drop off his present since that day he couldn't stay. You're mom insisted on giving us goodie bags anyway before we left."
"Ugh, good, our parents always go over the top with the decorations and stuff, believe me!"
"Ino, you are over the top."
"Shikamaru, no one was talking to you!"
"Wait, wait wait, your cousin Foo has a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, what of it," Ino immediately scowled at Kiba.
It made Kiba shut up immediately, but then he turned to Shino and whispered, "Hey, is your cousin gay?"
Shino shrugged, "I didn't ask, but it's none of my business." He was. Shino had known but Torune never outright told him they were officially dating. So as far as he was concerned it was a mystery.
"What about you, Hinata, I don't think we've met before. I'm Sakura."
"Um, hello-"
"Actually! We're in Home Ec together!" another boy munching on chips said, "She made the best cinnamon rolls in class the other day!"
Hinata blushed, "Ah, thank-you, Choji..."
"Cinnoman rolls!? I saw that that roll! Hinata, that was yours!?" Naruto asked, super impressed.
She only blushed even harder, "It might've been...!?"
"It was!" Choji confirmed.
"Naruto stop crowding already!" Sakura scolded, poking him against the side of his forehead, "You can be so loud!"
"Augh, alright, Sakura stop!"
It had actually been a relatively friction free integration. Hinata and the girls got along faster than he would've guessed, and later Shino and Sasuke would meet again, with Naruto giving Shino a suspicious stink-eye.
"We've been in the same classes since elementary school," Shino commented, "You have to really go out of your way to ignore someone for that long..."
"Hn..." As friendly as always...
...
From then on, Kiba always insisted on Shino and Hinata joining them at lunch, which Shino did. But Shino couldn't quite fathom the idea of sacrificing his after school time to go to out and do... well, who even knew? Back then, he had a routine, he had things to tend to back home. His terrariums that his father put him in charge of, his guitar practice because he wasn't about to let those lessons go to waste, his study time, and planning for EC activities as he was a more involved member, he was already a busy guy. At least that's what he used to think. But he would be a sad ass liar if he didn't appreciate the invitations. Towards the end he broke a few time at his father's insistence. He was mentally drained each time, but he did have fun, and Kiba always seemed excited to recall the events with Shino after.
Once he had attended collage, Shino really wished he would have taken more time to simply enjoy a more decent social life with the people he called friends at school outside of school. Was he too shy? Was he too selective? Was he socially inept? It didn't matter now. It wasn't until Shino's very first job that he felt like he got to a level he wished he could've reached sooner. Being a cashier at a fast food chain really taught you how to handle and tolerate people, and definitely brought Shino out if his shell more than he would've ever thought. College in general did a lot for him in that respect.
... Kiba was right. If old friends were reaching out, why couldn't Shino do the same?
Well, apparently the universe was glad he agreed, because the second he did, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.
Shino stopped in place and Akemaru whined. When he checked his phone, he saw not only a "Request Accepted" message but also a simple text message as well, also from Shikamaru.
-----
Hey, can you talk? Call me if you can.
-----
Oh what the fuck.
Shino felt his nerves stand at attention with the prospect of a sudden conversation. What... What did Shikamaru even want right now? Did he really want to talk now?
... No. No, dammit, no! Not this time. Shino took a deep breath and continued to walk, much to Akemaru's delight. And as he got a steady rhythm, Shino highlighted Shikamaru's number and pressed "Call".
It was settled. If he was gonna start making up for lost time, it was now or never, awkward interactions be damned!
#anime: naruto#shikashino#aburame shino#shino aburame#shikamaru nara#nara shikamaru#dusk's fanfic#gosh look at me im on a friggin roll wtf#i know it probably has a lot left to be desired technically and diction wise#but im trying!
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Wow! I am still angry about what happened to me!
TL:DR - I was in a community that prided itself on comforting and protecting people who "call out" others and validating their feelings. I was feeling anxious about something I could logically see I was reading wrong but which my anxiety was causing me distress over, and I just wanted confirmation I was reading it wrong - it wasn't even a call out. Instead of comfort, I was called "accusatory", my feelings were completely invalidated, and I decided to leave the community for my own mental health.
Like.
Admitting you are feeling anxious puts you into an incredibly vulnerable position. I had to work with a therapist for over a year to become good at this. My therapist taught me it was okay for me to reach out and say "Hey! I think I'm probably feeling irrational about this but right now I'm super anxious about X, could you please reassure me I'm ok?" My therapist literally worked with me to develop "asking for confirmation" as a way to cope with my anxiety.
The vulnerability applies to any situation where you're expressing insecurities, fears, or when you're feeling hurt.
And the community I was in was allegedly a safe place for people to say "hey, this hurt my feelings".
But... there were red flags over the months I was in this community. A few other people left and/or expressed feeling ignored, judged, or "jumped on". I quietly couldn't help but agree. More than one conversation escalated to the point of conflict and hurt feelings.
So, the final incident: I'd made a comment I thought was a little relatable. It was not a hit; it was probably too niche, so no one replied or responded. That's ok! I know it's ok! Comments can flop! So, 20 minutes later, someone else made another comment that was along the lines of:
"So, about that truck..."
Which, to someone with anxiety, looks like someone rolling their eyes, turning away from you to ignore you, and changing the subject. Part of me knew I was reading too much into it. But my anxiety is a very loud voice in my head. So, I built up the courage to say: "Hey, I know this is probably irrational, and I can tell you didn't mean this way, but it's still making me feel snubbed, so I was just seeking confirmation that it's not a snub!"
And then. In a community built around a specific type of conflict resolution that is solely focused on the person doing the call out,
I got:
"You should take a step back and examine why you feel that way" from one person
followed by a second person who wrote a several paragraph-long "explanation" first saying I was being accusatory and I should be able to tell it's not a snub because it was made 20 minutes after my comment, then patronizingly explaining what anxiety is and THEN told me person 1 was "doing me a favor" by telling me to "step back".
This is LITERALLY equivalent to the phrase:
"I'm sorry you felt that way"
which I thought we, collectively, have decided is in fact bullshit and victim-blaming. So I got tone-policed, had my feelings invalidated, and got called "accusatory" -
and I wasn't even asking for an apology in the first place.
I literally just needed someone to say "Oh! Nope, not meant as a snub!"
That's it. Not accusing anyone of anything - in fact, openly ADMITTING I knew my feelings were irrational. Maybe, if these two people felt accused, THEY should take a step back and examine why they felt that way. Why did they feel so threatened by someone expressing anxiety, hm???
FURTHERMORE.
It had been made explicitly clear to me in this community that trying to "explain" things to the person who was making the call-out was "rude" and "talking over them" and "invalidating their feelings".
Well. I sure fucking felt talked over, patronized, and like they were invalidating my feelings.
THEY felt accused. THEY lashed out. THEY retaliated.
What they did was actually prove my fear right: I was being snubbed. Not by that comment in particular, but by the community as a whole.
So I left.
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TW n*zi mention, parent mention
(Having no self-control makes you a tough galoot, like me!) To Kaito, Gonta, and Taka. Can you give me some courage, maybe a hug. My therapist has been kinda awful, never really helpful, telling me I don’t actually have things like depression and anxiety when everyone around me knows I do (She says I have the symptoms and stuff) but the final breaking point was session before last when she said I was as bad as a n*zi because I hate my dad (he’s done stuff and lied for years) and n*zi’s hate people. I’m switching therapists and some people want me to explain to her why, and I’m afraid because I don’t want her to be upset or think badly of me, ya know? Anyways thanks for your time, I hope you all have a good day :)
Woah, ok, in coming swears here, but what the fuck!! That's really not ok. Look, I didn't pay much attention in history class, but even I know that's not what a nazi is. She isn't treating you right at all, and yeah, switching is a great idea.
If someone's gonna call you what she did, they don't deserve much respect. You honestly shouldn't worry about her thinking badly of you, or even about explaining. She doesn't really deserve an explanation based on her actions, but yeah, I get why you might want to. If you do, I'd just say something like you feel like you're not making any progress with her if you wanna keep things polite. But if you wanna say that she said things that were untrue and hurtful to you, that's totally fine too. You have every right to express your emotions about this. Damn, I'm really sorry this happened, and I'm glad you're gonna talk to a different therapist. Hopefully this one will treat you with the respect you deserve, and give you the help you need. Some therapists are just shitty, and that sucks since they reflect badly on therapy as a whole. Huge kudos to you for sticking with it. I know bad therapy experiences can really beat you down. Seriously bro, I'm super proud of you for being strong enough to look for a new therapist instead of just giving up. You don't owe this crappy therapist lady anything, what matters is that you get one that really helps, and like doesn't insult you or invalidate you. I'm sorry you're going through stuff with your dad too. Hopefully your new therapist can give you some help with that.
You want me to give you some courage, huh? Honestly, you don't seem to need any! You've already been super brave, but sure thing! Courage from one Luminary of the Stars coming right up! If you've made it this far, you're pretty much capable of anything. You already found a new therapist, and you just gotta keep pressing forward. Believe that this therapist will be better, and that you'll get the help you need. You got this bro, believe in yourself too, and I'll believe in you as well!! Yeah, I'll give you a hug too! C'mere man! Don't worry, there's no better way to use my time than helping someone. I hope you have a good day too!!
Oh gosh, the very act of having your own therapist call you something so dreadful is horrible in its own right, but them not even helping you out at all either?! Therapists are supposed to be skillful trained in order to help their patients to the best of their ability, not to do such horribly done work and end up doing the exact opposite! I’m awfully sorry that you had to deal with such a dreadfully awful therapist Anonymous, and I’m incredibly glad that you were able to find a new one.
Now as Kaito said, I do believe that the issue on whether or not to discuss on why you’re switching therapists should be your decision. Whether or not you should is your own personal choice, and that should be respected. If you want to tell her how she made you feel, then go for it. There’s nothing stopping you, and I shall respect either decision.
But anyways, my apologies for the future rambling, so I’ll make an attempt to make things brief, as I definitely wouldn’t want to waste any more of your precious time.
You’re awfully strong for dealing with all of this for who-knows-how-long Anonymous, especially with searching for a new therapist. It takes a large amount of bravery to step up and state that you need help in the first place, let alone seek more help whenever it’s unsuccessful or even hurtful the first time. This next step will be crucial on your journey, but I know that you will be able to push forward. If you wish for a hug to help guide you alongside our comfirmation, then you are more than welcome to recieve one by myself. Good luck Anonymous, I certainly hope that things will work out for you.
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Trauma Leakage
So anger and I haven't gotten along very well for most of my life. Being angry only ever got me the Rage of Authority figures who were bigger and stronger than me. I am in a better place now, and frankly it is leaking. It is finally safe, and it is leaking and I don't really know how to stop it without repressing.
When I have felt anger in the past, I have Instantly and completely suppressed it. Sometimes this reaction has been so automatic it's been like Breathing. Like I have trained myself painstakingly to bat not so much as an eyelash at things that Throw other people into Apoplexy.
I have recently noticed a lot of things I do to avoid anger. I project it onto other people, to the point that I assume other people are mad at me so I can justify and validate my own anger at myself. I've designated categories of time and place and types of anger that are "allowed" because they are "safe". I sometimes don't get angry about a thing that really SHOULD make me mad until someone mentions to me that it would make them furious or asks me how I kept my cool. Sometimes I KNOW I should be angry, but sometimes I just feel Helpless instead.
I suppress my anger because I don't want to become a Shrill, SNoWfLAKE Karen, Shrieking in Indignation about how much of a Victim I am and that I am being disrespected all the time.
Because I think that is a large part of it. My Step father was an incredibly disrespectful person, and he Constantly bitched about how disrespectful I was. But it is very difficult to hold in high regard a person who is abusive, less mature and more fragile than you at 17 years old.
But the prospect of turning INTO him.... the shame of it us unthinkable.
And I guess there is a part of me that is deeply dissociated and scarred by his screaming and emotional abuse. So much that I wanted to Die, So many times. I was absolutely Worthless, and I was told that I was arrogant and disrespectful and I could not breathe or move my face or eyes in his presence when he screamed like that. He would just start all over. And he Needed Eyes rolled at him, because he was completely out of line, and roaring and Screaming and absurd. He needed me to Shove him Hard in the Chest and Knock his Sorry ass Back through the Glass of that fucking Table he loved so much.
See that? That's the Anger that my therapist and my father have been talking to me about. They were right, it's definitely in there.
It is anger that I have DEFINTELY used on myself, and I have often turned it inward like a sword, to coerce specific behavior, and to suppress that completely hollow, worthless, broken invalid feeling, from a time in my life when that Anger response would have gotten me Further Abused or Worse. I started Off Suppressing the urge to fold up on myself and implode, and then started suppressing the impulse to be angry. I used Shame, and I used what I thought was a very real threat of being like my abuser, and my fear of harming other people. I made myself Bad for ever having anger. I made it invalid.
Now I can only sort of have it vicariously... and it makes me cry, and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. And I feel it Most when I am disappointed in myself. When I fail to properly anticipate what everyone wants me to do, when I get passed over, and disregarded. When I am sure that no one gives a Shit whether I live or die.
And I don't come here often anymore. This is quite an emotional rabbit hole, and I don't often dwell on this sort of thing anymore, because I have tools now, to simply not get my fucking pond rippled in the first place.
Except when I don't. It still Really affects my mood when I think I've not done a good job, or not been as attentive as I should, or not demonstrated full agency, or not realized what I should be doing without having been told to do it. I have felt like I am stupid, and confused, and I know that is not true. But I feel like that is how other people see me. I feel like people see me as kicking back and taking the easy way and not jumping in and doing work. I feel like they see my work as inferior, and uninformed, and like they would rather spend an hour repeating work I've already done than use what I've made.
And when I get down into that Hell, I feel like it is all true.
And then I ask myself, "What does it matter what other people think of you?"
And I see that it is Hooked to Survival somewhere back in the circuitry. Some child part of me knew that I had to be worth something to my parents, that I had to be loved by them, and not discarded by them, or left on the side of the road like an Unwanted dog. And this is the part of me that will do anything, even violate my own ethics, to connect and to be wanted, and seen as worthy by others, because I still believe somewhere that my survival depends on it.
I feel Vulnerable, and Terrified, and like a Failure... And I HATE that part of myself.
And I have been taught that anger pushes people away. It makes them not like or respect you. It Hurts people. It is Ugly, and it is not appropriate.
I feel like I have played the Whole game without access to the Freeze Bomb, and I've come to the Very end of the game only to realize that I have to get the Freeze Bomb in the Second Board before I can get through the Final Lock on the door to the Palace of the Last Boss.
And I have to go read the Wiki, and figure out where to Find the Freeze bomb (Anger) on the Second Board (from childhood/adolescence) before I can actually do more work in therapy.
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I couldnt find it when I checked so I don't know if it's been done before, but the papas/cardinal with an s/o with ADHD?
Wrote this in the direction of the reader is showing different symptoms or behaviors typical of an adult with ADHD- so I hope this is what you were looking for! Also, since no two people experience ADHD exactly the same I wrote for a mix of all types and different symptom focuses. Please enjoy!
Aaaaaand HUGE shout out to @atricksterproblem, who inspired me a long time ago with her wonderful head canons of Papa III having ADHD himself! I’ve been incorporating that into my works and she was kind enough to give me permission to expand in my own writing! Thanks Trickster! <3
And here is also a mild trigger warning, since I’m going to be talking about some distressing symptoms!
Papa Nihil: Admittedly, doesn’t really know a lot about ADHD simply because he grew up in a time where there wasn’t a whole lot of knowledge about the subject. Back in his day, there weren’t a whole lot of labels or even help for people. Far different from the wonders of today’s psychological understanding! All he knows is sometimes you show VERY similar behaviors and habits to his youngest son. Except, unlike with his son, the Grand Papa has been far more supportive and helpful with you. Nihil took a lot of notice during days you seemed far more restless and easily frustrated with tasks you tried to accomplished. He kept finding unfinished projects littered over your work area and you nearly in tears as you could just not will yourself to sit and focus, even though you desperately wanted to.
Nihil sat with you and tried to help you work through it little by little until you broke down and admitted that your ADHD was acting up worse than normal. When he gave you a blank look, you almost thought he was judging you.... until he dead panned asked what that meant. It took a little time for him to fully understand what the disorder was as you felt more comfortable to explain. Nihil is honestly a bit ashamed he didn’t know sooner or offer you better support- he tends to be blind to other’s distress or needs. Nihil knows he wasn’t the most patient with his children in the past and now tries to do better by you. He takes the time to do more reading and ask what he can do to help keep you more on focus or even motivated. He’s no doctor but he’s not heartless and loves you. If offering help and support is what you need, he will give it to you!
Papa I: Knew from the get go you probably had some form of ADHD or were nuerodivergent- which is not at all a bad thing. He, being nuerodivergent himself, knows that there is nothing shameful or ‘broken’ about you (an unfortunate feeling many siblings have felt about themselves and confided to him about.) So it doesn’t even occur to him to give your ADHD any mind unless your symptoms were bothering you. It wasn’t as often, but he always sat with you during small anxiety attacks or days you were feeling down. But the worse was the time where you were feeling extremely upset and couldn’t calm yourself down. When Papa sat with you asked what was wrong you nearly cried when you explained the situation.
That someone said something hurtful the other day, that it REALLY hurt your feelings to the point where you couldn’t get it out of your head, and how you nearly had a panic attack over how you thought people were thinking poorly of you and judging you for being stuck on something for DAYS that wasn’t EVEN that important! That now you felt like you were a giant baby and no one was going to want to talk to you cause you cried about everything! Papa only tutted and put a reassuring hand on your shoulder. There’s nothing wrong with being upset and you aren’t foolish for feeling so strongly about it. Your reaction doesn’t make you ‘overly sensitive’ and it’s ok to slowly get it out of your system. Papa knows that you emotions tend to be way stronger than his are, but he’s always there through the good and bad days! All he wants you to know is that he will never invalidate how you feel and he’d rather you feel strongly than try to bottle everything.
Papa II: Despite being a quiet and seemingly emotionless, Papa does pay attention to those around him. Especially you, his significant other. He was very keen and picked up almost immediately when he could tell you seemed to struggle to understand what he was saying. Normally, incompetence bothers him- he’s met many stupid people who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground. But he was also quick to know that you absolutely were not stupid- not in the slightest. Papa could tell the way your brows crinkled in frustration when you were trying to understand an order from your boss, only to ask them to repeat it several times. Or when you both had a conversation with someone and your eyes seemed to look far away until you were brought back to Earth.
Papa is not heartless, and has never made an attempt to shame you or put you down for it. He’s a smart man and can tell right away the difference between simply not paying attention and struggling to keep attention. He’s Papa after all- what kind of leader would he be if he didn’t understand all the different types of people in his flock? His suspicions are only confirmed when you feel comfortable telling him that you had ADHD- when you broke down and felt self conscious. You begged him not to think you were incompetent and that you really WERE trying your best to listen. He merely put up a hand to stop you and answered with a gentle, “I know, no need to apologize.” Papa has only asked you be open on days you need support... and he’s none too happy if anyone ever gives you trouble for needing time to listen and ask questions. He never wants you to apologize.
Papa III: Papa has always been known for many things, both good and bad. Ever since he was a child he’s been hard to make sit still for very long and always seemed to want to get his hands on any and everything. Even as a young priest his mind always seemed to be far away and never at the task at hand. To this day Papa is still the same and was very delighted to know you shared his energy! He always pegged you as someone who would rather be putting their efforts into something FUN or MEANINGFUL, and not the dull boringness of responsibility. That is, until you confided in him that you and your therapist were making plans to help with some cognitive behaviors. You were excited to tell him the ideas you both had since you recently found your lack of concentration worse than normal and were eager to set up a better routine!
Whatever do you mean, darling? ‘Hyperactivity’? ‘Inattentive Type’? What does that even mean?? You were shocked that he didn’t know that you had ADHD. When you two sat down you were happy to just share some of your experiences with him, as he was incredibly curious. Recently, you felt that you were drifting off into space more than normal and felt like you weren’t processing what people were telling you as easily. Papa was confused and posed the question, isn’t that normal for everyone? When you explained that it wasn’t you both started to compare experiences. How you both couldn’t sit still, or focus when it wasn’t interesting... or focus too hard when you LOVED something. You didn’t think of it at the time, but your conversation is how you both realized maybe HE had the same thing! At the end of the day, it has made you both closer and given you a mutual support system.
Cardinal Copia/Papa IV: Copia is honestly not as phased when you opened up to him about your ADHD the first time. You were used to some people not really understanding what it was like to be an adult with some of these issues, and sometimes being incredibly rude about it. But Copia acted so casually, like you only just told him your shoe size or favorite color. It takes him a minute to understand why you were so confused and he apologizes profusely. He’s quick to explain that being a Cardinal, in his experience, is very hands on with Siblings of Sin. He’s worked with so many abbeys and so many children of sin, that he’s met people from all walks of life. So he’s had a lot of Siblings he’s helped with ADHD and other similar conditions!
Copia has never one to really see a person’s diagnosis as something to be ‘shocked’ or ‘weary’ about. That doesn’t define you as a person, nor does it make you any less to anyone deemed ‘typical’ or ‘normal.’ The only time these are a problem are when symptoms are keeping you from living your best life. Copia admits that he already knew you had ADHD long before you became a couple- simply because he’s worked with many siblings who have sought comfort and advice from him and noticed a lot of your telling habits. Copia doesn’t like asking about it or making you admit it if you aren’t ready- so he never did. Copia wanted you to be comfortable enough to talk to him about it if and when you needed to. When you feel ready he just wants to let you know he’s always there for support to help on days it feels bad. He knows how it feels to be overwhelmed easily, and wants you to always come to him if you need to!
#the band ghost#ghost bc#Ghost headcanon#reader insert#minor trigger warning#mental disorder#anxiety#symptoms#adhd#papa nihil#papa emeritus i#Papa Emeritus II#papa emeritus iii#papa emeritus iv#cardinal copia
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agirlwithachakram replied to your post “i’m really torn between ‘hooray my beautiful son is back’ and ‘cool,...”
asdf,ansdf,nasd,mf RIGHT??? why is this show so straight in all the worst possible ways, how is it so fixated on talking about feelings of (SOME OF) the main characters to the detriment of getting into the big ideas that matter and inform their lives and traumas and why do they keep writing in hartley only to write him out instantly?
so i haven’t regularly watched the show since the end of s3 but didn’t they have some weird therapist mini-arc that didn’t go anywhere or actually address anybody’s problems? please correct me if i’m wrong. but i’m forever baffled by this show’s alternately glib and heavy-handed approaches to its extremely fucked-up characters. (even back when the show was good they really hand-waved a lot of shit away. jesse basically has no recovery time whatsoever from prolonged captivity and i’m still fucking uncomfortable about that.) it’s always had this inconsistent and wrong-headed approach to trauma despite dealing with some incredibly weighty issues.
i absolutely think the show has been the most notorious one in the arrowverse for just so thoroughly shitting on the legacies of almost EVERYONE in the cast. the way they’ve just decimated the rogues has rankled me for years (see above re: glossing over serious issues, bc lisa snart is exhibit A), but they’ve also paid majorly important characters like wally, linda, etc. dust or sacrificed them on the altar of barry as golden god. i don’t even know who half the names are in the recaps anymore, and honestly, i don’t even care enough to look them up because i don’t want to get invested in someone the narrative will probably screw over for, idk, barry making stupid-ass decisions and being sad about it. (i get that barry is the main character, but don’t keep shoving teamwork and family down my throat as themes when you fuck over everyone in barry allen’s periphery.)
and hartley.......just a fucking case study in What the Fuck are Y’all DOING on This Show? there’s something about the constant betrayals of hartley that specifically hurt more than other characters. part of that is because the characters will create a problem for themselves that would be perfect for hartley to help solve (and they just forget he exists), but also hartley was set up with an incredibly intriguing backstory/identity/relationship to team flash, and the writers squandered literally everything about it. hartley is just as much of a victim as caitlin and cisco in terms of betrayed employees, and in many ways more of a victim because of the closeness of his relationship with harrison (regardless of whether it’s interpreted as platonic or romantic/sexual) and the viciousness with which harrison destroyed him. (it’s worth noting that it isn’t barry who beats hartley on the bridge in 1x11; it’s harrison, and his defeat is gruesome and brutal.) the show kicks the shit out of hartley, sometimes literally, and never reckons with the nastiness of the extra abuses they heap on a traumatized, isolated abuse victim.
the ostensibly happy endings they give him are, like practically everything else, a nice sheen of Good News covering some really ugly content. 2x17 brings hartley back and gives him his hero moment and shows him happy and fulfilled...and then slips on a banana peel and slides right into the fucking trash by asking him to reunite with his homophobic parents. it feels even worse to show how crisis dicked over his timeline again. it cheapens his first and best episode by retroactively wiping out his pain and grief and desperate vengeance. the hartley we meet in 1x11 has been driven to this point by the continuous betrayals of the authority figures in his life and runs rampant because no one was there to temper him. it’s obvious that he’s alone in the world and has been for a while. sliding in a Cool Fix-It Boyfriend is a band-aid solution that disrespects hartley (and roderick, who exists only to be that good dick, i guess?) by stripping his history and motivations, again. i can’t be the only queer who fell in love with hartley because he was traumatized and ostracized and angry about it, and he gave voice to all those bitter feelings. every new retcon, every time they dangle a mention or appearance of hartley, only to squash our hopes with whatever stupid-ass narrative device they’ve got this time, becomes more and more insulting.
like -- we get hartley meeting another harrison. this should be a fucking powder keg of a moment. i’ve been wishing that we could have seen this since s2, and i wanted so badly for hartley to be able to just unleash all the grief and hurt at someone who may not be the original harrison, but who still wears harrison’s face. and they just fucking whiffed it by having it be another opportunity for hartley to play the horny gay kid. on the surface: extremely in keeping with who hartley has always been, which is sarcastic, into tom cavanagh, and DTF. it’s one of those things that’s fine if you don’t think about it too hard, or if you go full lizard brain about it and just go ‘lol hartley wants to bang u.’ but it’s also so fucking deflating for hartley as a fully-realized character -- in one fell swoop, hartley’s supposed antagonistic relationship that has practically been his raison d’être in his past appearances becomes a blip on the radar so minor he can crack jokes about wanting to ride the cock express all the way to double-bang town. it invalidates his struggles and whisks away so much of what made him a rich, relatable character in the first place.
anyway sorry i wrote a fucking essay you didn’t ask for. ima wrap this up even though i have a ton more to say, bc otherwise i will legit be here for hours getting mad about the fucking POTENTIAL this show has and refuses to take advantage of.
#agirlwithachakram#guess i just can't stop myself from ranting and raving when it comes to h raths#hartley rathaway#the flash#the flash spoilers#long post#sorry followers!!
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Even though I often don’t feel confident enough to use my own words to support the causes I believe in, I try to make sure I share the words of other people to my small audience. However, I feel I can’t stay silent on the issue that is currently brewing with J.K. Rowling at the centre. I’m not the most eloquent and this has turned out much longer than intended, and probably quite disjointed. But the transgender community is near and dear to my heart. I can no longer be content with standing by and allow other people to speak. I need to add my voice to the conversation.
I was born and grew up as a girl with a different name. My parents were both kind and accepting people, encouraging me to be who I wanted to be. Even if society tried to push me into a box they never did. As a child I saw myself as a tomboy; I enjoyed playing guitar, masculine clothing, and getting down and dirty at Scouts. I hit puberty young and that was when my inner turmoil started. I saw myself as ‘one of the boys’ and the changes happening to my body weren’t welcome ones. This started an ongoing battle with my self image that I am still fighting today but thankfully I feel I am finally winning. As I met more people in my teenage years I outgrew my ‘one of the boys’ mindset and tried to embrace my female-ness, but something still didn’t feel right. Eventually in the summer of 2017, aged 19, I came out as transgender. I had been using the name Finn online for a while at that point and chose that as my new name, started using male pronouns, and started binding and looking into medical transition. I spoke to two gender therapists over the following years and was officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I was also recommended for hormone treatment as that was what I had expressed an interest in and was going to be able to start that as soon as I was ready. Around the same time I was offered hormones I met my current boyfriend who helped me get more comfortable with myself and I paused to think about my identity. In the years I have been with him I have since come to realise that whilst I don’t identify as a transgender man, I do still experience gender dysphoria and believe that I would be happiest somewhere in the middle. There are aspects of my body that I am uncomfortable with in a way that only transgender people will understand. It’s not simply the uncomfortable facts of being human such as body hair and odour or the pain of menstruation. It feels tangibly wrong. This isn’t how my body is meant to be or to function and it makes me feel so awful that it transcends the issue of body positivity many people face.
Socially I am a detransitioned transgender man. If you were to ask people would call me a girl and refer to me with she/her pronouns, however, in an ideal world that is not how I would be perceived. I have a great deal of anxiety in social situations and I am not brave enough to request that the people I meet use neutral pronouns for me and avoid referring to me as male/female, nor am I brave enough to ask that of even my friends. I have made my peace with the words that people use for me as I hope that one day when my physical appearance aligns more with how I feel inside and the world has progressed to be more accepting of non-binary people I can garner the courage to claim that part of my identity.
The reason I feel the need to put this out there is that J.K. Rowling has taken it upon herself, a cisgender woman, to speak for the trans community and proclaim that the most vocal portion of the community is damaging. My years spent as a trangender male have made me stronger, more confident, and more aware of who I am and how I identify. They were not a mistake, they were a part of my growth as a person. My struggle with my gender identity has been long and hard. I’ve fallen on many sides of the debate through the years, even holding views at one point that were transphobic. Which is exactly why I feel qualified to tell J.K. Rowling and others like her that they are wrong.
Rowling thinks that the transgender movement is aiming to “erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender”. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I cannot speak for all transgender individuals, we are a varied group with a myriad of opinions, but the main push is for sex to not be the defining characteristic on legal documentation. Why do our drivers licenses or passports need to make people aware of the chromosomes we likely possess, or the genitals we were born with? They don’t. It is none of Rowling’s, or anyone else's, business that I was born female. It is an unfortunate reality for transgender people that, no matter how far they medically transition, their body may never be exactly how it would be for someone born male/female. Sex is biological, it is how you are born. You may be male, female, or be born with something that makes it harder to define your sex such as Klinefelter’s or Turner’s. That biological fact you are born with is not of importance to anyone but your doctor. The only thing that the law and anyone else should be interested in is your gender, how you identify, and this is what we wanted reflected on legal documentation. She also laments how easy it is to get a gender recognition certificate now, that you only need identify as a woman/man to get it changed and, *gasp*, you don’t even need to medically transition! But that is exactly how it should be. Medical transition is not a requirement. Some people may choose not to and some people may not be able to. It does not make them any less who they say they are. And again, who cares what’s on their documentation? What exactly is that going to change about your life? Absolutely nothing.
She also expresses a concern for a “huge explosion” in AFAB (assigned female at birth) people transitioning, and subsequently the increase in AFAB people detransitioning. As one of those people I can say with confidence that I do not think this is not due to any kind of brainwashing or misguided feelings. It is due to the fact that in the age of the internet information is more freely available to us. As I mentioned, my parents were incredibly accepting people. I grew up knowing two lovely trans women, however for some reason I was not aware that AFAB people could be transgender too and transition into men. This is something I have heard many trans men express, and my therapists both commented that it was a common reason for why people like me had not begun transitioning earlier in life. I can’t deny that the increased awareness and acceptance of transgender people will lead to some mistakenly identifying as transgender. Butch women and effeminate men exist and many are perfectly comfortable with their sex, however some may have issues with their self image or identity that can lead to them questioning their gender identity. But allowing people to explore their gender identity is a good thing. Medical decisions should not be taken lightly of course, and I believe there is a discussion to be had about making sure that we do not allow people to make those decisions without speaking to professionals, but that is a different debate that I do not wish to get into now. However, having said that, the choice to medically transition is the choice of the individual. No doctor can tell you what is best for you, they can only help guide you to the right decision. The correct response to the increase in people identifying as transgender is not to invalidate them and tell them they cannot ever be “real” men or women, or accuse the transgender community of poisoning the minds of the youth. We should instead seek to be better educating our children, increasing the quality and availability of resources for transgender people, and providing everyone with the tools they need to discover who they are and make the right choices for themselves.
Defining women by their biology is a harmful ideology to hold, not just for transgender women but also for cisgender women. Womanhood is not reliant on whether or not you have a uterus. She is right in that it is also not defined by a love of pink or shoes. How to define womanhood (and manhood) is a difficult and nuanced conversation, one that I do not feel yet able to have. But an easy way to tell is if you feel and know in your heart that you are a woman then you are and you can claim womanhood. She takes issue with referring to women as “menstruators” or “people with vulvas”. It was actually the phrase “people who menstruate” that offended her enough to start this whole debacle. Women is a useful phrase, and it does need to be used when talking about women’s rights in general. But the article in question was talking specifically about menstruation. When menstruation is the issue at hand I cannot understand at all how referring to that fact is a bad thing. Trans men and non-binary AFAB people who menstruate need to be included in the conversation; menstruation is not a topic that is solely for women.
Lastly, she tried to speak out for women who were abused that are being “wronged” by the inclusion of trans women in women’s spaces. I understand more than most how hard it can be to recover and trust those who may remind you of your abuser because I have been there. I understand the need for safe spaces away from anything that may trigger you. But transwomen are not all going to trigger those who were abused by men, unless of course you still view them as men. Maybe a trans woman has a deeper voice or more masculine facial features that remind you of your abuser and that triggers you. That is not a personal attack against her, it is an unfortunate result of your abuse, but a cisgender woman may also have a deeper voice or masculine facial features that trigger you. If that’s the case then of course you need to decide for yourself whether you need to remove yourself from the environment for your mental well being. However, if you enter a woman’s space that has a trans woman in it and you demand her removal on the basis that she was born biologically male you are nothing short of transphobic. Whilst, yes, allowing trans women into these spaces would theoretically allow for predators to pretend to be transgender to access vulnerable women it simply does not happen. I can’t point to any studies to prove this, but I feel common sense says that the likelihood of a predatory man pretending to be a woman to access women's only spaces is much less than a predatory woman accessing these spaces. The world is a scary place filled with horrible people and it is impossible to barricade against all possibilities of harm. Barring trans women from these spaces is not going to solve the problem that horrible people exist and protect you from them. It will only harm trans women.
Gender is hard. It can be complicated. Especially for those older who are having to change how they think. But all that we ask is that you respect transgender peoples identities and pronouns, that you use inclusive language, and that you don’t fight against our rights to simply exist in this world with the right name and gender on our papers. It’s really not that hard to just be a decent person.
#i feel like this is something that should be attached to my public accounts#this is less personal ramblings and more of a thought through post to make my stance clear#jk rowling#transgender#not art
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#5 - Yestoday
It’s been two years since Yestoday by NCT U was released and I still cannot stress enough how incredible the song is, in everything. But here I'll be focusing on lyric analysis because people still don't realize how genius the lyrical progression and storytelling in Yestoday is. I just want to give my personal point of view on the lyrics and how important they are, maybe they’ll allow you guys to have some sort of self-reflection, as they did to me.
I must begin by saying that this is one interpretation out of many, and in no way is made to psychoanalyze Taeyong, Mark, Lucas, or Doyoung, I am not their friend or therapist. Also, everyone experiences pieces of work differently, so don’t invalidate mine.
This will be done in segments because I like aesthetics.
Part I: AM 1:27 TODAY
We'll start off with the title itself: Yestoday. Yestoday is a term coined by combining 'yesterday' with 'today', adding to the significance to the lyrics in how today eventually becomes yesterday, and all your good and wrongdoings will pass equally. Equally is the keyword here, and it's some people tend to overlook when reading over the lyrics because they don't say it but mean it. Aside from that, Yestoday has an interesting lyrical progression in which you notice that the lyrics undergo a sort of "growth". TY and MK use autobiographical storytelling in such a unique way that contributes to the progression of yesterday>today>tomorrow, Doyoung adds that voice of bittersweet reassurance for the passing of time, and Lucas tops it off with his very mellow, abstract verse.
Part I: AM 1:27 TODAY
➵ END
Part II: THE BOY WITH THE SHORTEST DREAM
“Shoved and pushed around
Filled with all these empty moments
Not feeling anymore now
In the midst of an abyss
I’m sorry for yesterday
But today’s me doesn’t know you
There were many times
Where I’ve been shoved and pushed around
Where I’ve been shoved and pushed around
Yo now I’ve got a lot of importance
Just like nylon
Like I’ve become a thin film
That grows and covers the world
Karma’s on my neck
An obstacle’s blocking me
I need the courage to break through
And wake me up from this dream
I’m the right one for this
Grow up grow up grow up
Now I’ve got to change this color bar
Burn out
The short dream that changed
Was the clearest one
And let me tell you why.”
Since this is the extended version, Taeyong's verse is much longer, but also provides a bigger picture of what is going through his head. The first part begins as a sort of prologue to the whole song.
Taeyong has been the victim of scandals upon scandals, all of which aren’t true yet tarnish his name the same, and he has admitted that he was not proud of who use to be (for reasons that he sort of explains in the next part of his verse), but he's made it this far. This part highlights a time where he had to seriously reflect. He was now gaining fame, his dreams that were once short and underdeveloped had now become his reality, and he was feeling the consequences of his past actions ("Karma's on my neck"). He was realizing that he had to pick his dreams (or himself) all apart and put it back together in a way that took reality into account. He was seeing that he needed to set a new color scheme on how he would live his life. That he needed to grow up. This leads to him telling the audience "And let me tell you why", and plunges us into present Taeyong's "letter" or maybe questioning of his past self.
“I have been looking for my job lately
Cause I had no dream maybe
There were a lot of chances that made me realize my situation
I don’t want to be ignored and disregarded but I act like I do
All of my problem, now that I’ve moved away from you
The world outside is so different from what I imagined inside
My exhausted mind and soul
Somehow you always tried to drag those days away
I wondered how can you be so strong uh
I was been busy filling up with greed.”
Taeyong begins by stating how lost he felt within his life, because his short dream didn't feel like a proper dream, and that he had been becoming more aware of himself. Not having a passion now that he "moved away" from his past self and he has many regrets. The world is nothing like he imagined now that he was "grown-up" and his past self had to acknowledge that. And it was an exhausting acknowledgment, but his past self just took those days and weathered them bravely, to the point of even forcefully removing them from his way just so he could move on. He admires how his past self tried his hardest to thrive and he acknowledges that yeah he feels himself filling with greed slowly in the present.
“But I’ve lost a lot
Being alone was the only way, I could feel a sense of security
I used to put faith in it
Bad habits burn out, the belief that it was a choice
Doesn’t that make you weak?
Throw away yesterday’s you and me
It made me be the person who I am today
Don’t be killing my vibe cause this is me.”
He goes on to paint a better picture of how his past self was not a good version of him. His past self thought that pushing people away was the only way that he could ensure that he never lose again. He really believed that he could choose to be cold and alone as opposed to "weak". But now he acknowledges that it was a bad habit that caused the burn out in the first place. And ends his verse by saying that even though he may throw away those regrets and wrongdoings, they made him who he is today.
Part II: THE BOY WITH THE SHORTEST DREAM
➵ END
Part III: THE BOY WITH THE BROKEN HEART
“Broken heart oh even if it hurts a lot
The story that we can’t go back to again
This short dream oh your memories
Today that can’t ever be forgotten
If everything is tomorrow then yesterday.”
Doyoung sings the bittersweet chorus to Yestoday, providing insight on how to deal with the heartbreak and regrets we all face every day. Sometimes heartbreak is seeing a dream of your's fall apart, or waking up one day and realizing that you've grown up and can no longer recognize your dream. And it hurts a lot, so he suggests that instead, you can focus on letting that tomorrow turn into yesterday and forgetting those unforgettable todays. Doyoung laments that both those faults and victories of today are a story that we can't go back to, and they will eternally remain as memories in the short dream that is your life.
Part III: THE BOY WITH THE BROKEN HEART
➵ END
Part IV: THE BOY IN SEARCH OF THE GALAXY
“Okay back inside my 156 bus
Kinda feel like thinking back
Time passes by so fast
I remember the time
When we tossed our lives just like wishing coins
Boy didn’t know a lot, I think I’m still the same
I’m still searching for my galaxy, still don’t know my screen
Drowning in looks that are getting worse
Getting more spotlight than sunlight every day
Makes me think about how
Rap is my new 156
For the future traded yesterday
If memories made me
Then we make today
I hope you like it where I’m now.”
Mark begins by recalling his school days in back home when he'd take bus number 156, and acknowledges that time passes by so fast, and that growing up happens so soon. He talks about how naive and reckless we are as kids, throwing away our lives without a care in the world. Mark then draws a connection between his past self and present self by acknowledging that he didn't know a lot about life then, and he still doesn't know a lot. He then talks about how he is still looking for his galaxy, his filter that would better the chaotic future and make it not so hard to endure. On the flip side, it could also mean that he still doesn’t have a way to broadcast himself to the world yet (a screen, whether tv, computer, or phone).
Due to his job as an idol, he has less chances of receiving sunlight because of constant invasion of privacy when he does and the fact that he's constantly working, therefore, receiving spotlight. Nonetheless, he traded his childhood for rap, making it his new bus 156. He also acknowledges that his memories (his yesterday) made who he is today and that since he made his today which turned into his yesterday, he hopes that his past self likes where he is presently.
Part IV: THE BOY IN SEARCH OF THE GALAXY
➵ END
Part V: THE BOY WITH A SEA FULL OF HURRICANES
People generally have the most trouble with Lucas' verse, because it's very abstract and is the one subject to the most varied interpretation. My interpretation is that this is Lucas talking to his future self. This verse can get pretty personal to Lucas, to Mark and Taeyong, to the listeners, because everyone feels it differently. Whether bittersweet, sour, angry, desperate, nostalgic, or sad. I'm about to get real personal on this with the fact that I never understood this verse until I experienced a rapid change in myself, and I realized the desperation of wanting to be acknowledged and embraced, of not wanting to be forgotten to yourself.
“Do you think about me too?
Do you always cry? When it rains
When the pains come in shame
When the fame is a jade and I’m born to be made”
He's asking if his future self whether he'll think of him, just as he in the present thinks of his past self, at his best and at his absolute worse. If he'll cry in regret and shame, just like he does about his yesterday. Just like he does when the weight of fame bears down on him and he sees himself out of his control.
“But the cost of the fade I’ve got quickly to shade
Ever quickly to hate, burning like a serenade
Burning like my hurricanes
When you said it was wrong”
Everyone has regrets and things they wished never happened. You learn to hate things you did yesterday, to darken the image of your past, to blame that person you were for the consequences you face today. He uses "burn like my hurricanes" although we all know that hurricanes don't burn since they're air and water, but hurricanes consume and destroy in passion just like fire.
“Even if there is a right
Now I can only dream about you holding me tight
Can you hold me tight?”
So he asks that his future self never rejects him, even if with personal growth he realizes that the "right" of yesterday became the "wrong" of tomorrow, and there's another "right" much better than he understood in the past. He wants his future self to hold his past self tightly as a part of him, or at least what made him.
Part V: THE BOY WITH A SEA FULL OF HURRICANES
➵ END
Part VI: AM 1:27 YESTERDAY
Doyoung ends the song with a different version of the chorus that provides new insight on how to deal with the heartbreak of yesterday, symbolizing the growth we all go through.
“Broken heart oh even if I try to let you go
The story was carved deep inside my heart
This short dream oh past memories
The moments that won’t ever be forgotten
My precious yesterday
Tomorrow then yesterday
Sorry that I walked away
Tomorrow then yesterday
My precious yesterday.”
Doyoung faces that you can't let go of the past because it has made you who you are, engraving itself as a piece of you forever in your heart. He considers that those memories in your short dream really won't be forgotten and that you should treasure them even if they're far away. He embraces that every tomorrow turns into yesterday eventually, but that it makes the yesterday just as precious as the tomorrow and apologizes for walking away from his yesterday like he did before.
This is honestly one of my favorites changes ever, as you can really feel the progression the rappers went through finally reach a thoughtful conclusion. By the end of the song, you can see that while within the verses they went through a progression of yesterday>today>tomorrow, that progression also happened in the overall song, with each boy representing a part: Taeyong’s yesterday, Mark’s today, and Lucas’s tomorrow, ultimately leading to a whole cycle of reflection and growth that changes the last chorus.
Part VI: AM 1:27 YESTERDAY
➵ END
Listen to Yestoday!
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a fool’s guide to coping w bpd
ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd
tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.
1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.
this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?
i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.
okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?
2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).
ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).
if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:
PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)
nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)
stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)
dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)
reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.
nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.
stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...
dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.
ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...
3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.
this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”
and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.
conclusion
if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.
more resources, if you’d like them:
in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search.
also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.
russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).
jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.
the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.
kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.
i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)
also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.
#bpd#borderline personality disorder#bpd help#bpd advice#bpd skills#ok to reblog#idk i wont tag this anymore#i just.... so many friends of mine are going through it and i just want to offer a comprehensive starting point#i remember how lost i felt once i started wanting to cope in healthier ways#so im just out here. im out here#anyway i rly hope this helps! i might make more posts in the future bc. talking abt skills helps me practice them too#plus i just like to Help. im full of information and love
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