fanfiction has fried my ability to talk to real men 😭 I just made the first move with a guy I've been interested in for a while and it's SO HARD.

how am I supposed to go about this without a forced proximity, one bed, enemies to lovers trope?? you're telling me I have to just talk to this guy?? I'm not going to randomly get caught in a snowstorm-- in a cabin with him?? what??

when you're so awkwardly autistic and bad at people and talking that no one will even trust you to do a thing that's a special interest/you are passionate about/work harder than anyone else at/are actually really good at 😔 i wish my skills and hard work woukd speak for themselves, but the undesirable autism traits seem to permeate through and overshadows everything.

does this happen to anyone else? is this a common autistic experience? or is this a me thing?

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Hey thanks for accepting this ask. So what I wanted to ask is how the amazing digital circus crew would react to a reader who's a strong hero...that's incredibly optimistic, dense and Guilable thinking that the world acts like a cartoon/comic sometimes

TADC cast x comic hero type reader!

meant to start knocking out these last two requests earlier this morning but i had to clean up the house a bit; but im finally getting onto it! reminder that requests are currently closed and any requests sent in will not be answered and will be deleted to keep the inbox clean; so please keep your requests until i announce theyre open again! plan on taking a day or two off to rest my brain n back as well as catching up on art and my own personal fic. the requests being answered currently were sent in prior to requests closing with that said, i hope you enjoy this anon!!

CAINE:

honestly i think caine would be the same way, not exactly but i think he would some of the cluelessness in terms of how the real world works... except its mostly with the non digital real world; call it inexperience or something! lets you play hero during the IHA.. honestly you kind of fit right in with your personality, with tropes and being a stereotypical comic book hero, if not a little naïve. pretends he doesnt recognize you when you walk around in your "citizens disguise"

likes coming up with villain npcs for you to fight during adventures

POMNI:

initial confusion when she sees you just walking around with a tie plastered to your chest, asks you what its for as well as dropping your name. even more shocked that youre shocked that she knows who you are. kind of just accepts this is a thing you do and doesnt question it, especially as she settles into the digital world.. at least youre handy during IHA.. i think during my little break i might try to figure out how i wish to right pomni because i really do wish i made her stuff more... interesting

RAGATHA:

honestly i think she would make you stuff to add to your disguise. doesnt want to shatter the illusion for you so she just tries to casually give you stuff out of the kindness of her heart... which isnt... totally wrong.. honestly i dont think she would try to change you or bring up the bad disguise thing so long as its not somehow putting you in danger. in fact i think she finds your whole hero personality endearing, you guys are both optimistic and its nice to be around someone who isnt just. losing their marbles or being a dick.. plus, you arent technically wrong to view the digital world as a cartoon, i mean, look at it and look at the physics of the world and all

JAX:

oh he is going to be a menace, probably makes a joke villain persona to mess with you only for you to immediately gun for him and deal with his "evil antics",, i mean hey as long as jax doesnt put his silly little villain mask back on you wouldnt suspect a thing... maybe... i think he would roll his eyes at some of the things you say, since youre way more optimistic and out there than ragatha... probably uses your gullible..ness... as a means to trick you

KINGER:

honestly the "as a royal myself" line he dropped in the pilot makes me think that at some level he believes himself to be a real king; or maybe he was just REALLY playing into his whole theming and he knows hes just some dude but was trying to appeal to the gloink queen... what im trying to say is that i think there might actually be a solid chance he fully leans into your hero thing, and perhaps even falls for your disguise (if him constantly forgetting gangle is standing right next to him says anything about his observation skills and/or mental state)

ZOOBLE:

similar to jax but also not. finds your optimism a little too much sometimes; especially if youre very outwardly social and friendly so its not like you swoop in to do your hero duties but you also stop to talk to the 'civilians' of the circus.. though unlike jax they wouldnt try to trick you, nor do i think they would exactly be mean to you. a little irritable by your energy and attitude, maybe, but i think zooble gets irritated by almost everyone in the circus.. reluctantly plays along with your disguise

GANGLE:

i think she would be into it, probably draws you in your non-disguise outfit. you get fanart, yay! probably similar to pomni in the whole, just accepts how you are both as a person and with your antics, but i think she just accepts everything everyone else does! not much to say, shes a fan of it and if you stand up for her when jax is mean thats just an added bonus for her

elaborate on ur thoughts for maxiel on married at first sight 👀

okay, never in a million years do i think max would ever go on reality tv BUT my thoughts if he did under the cut

okay so obviously they see each other for the first time at the wedding and i think the level of attraction is different. like, initially daniel is like, 'okay, he's kinda cute, i can work with this,' whereas max is like, 'oh my god, this man is so beautiful, he is perfect, wow.' but the problem is, max doesn't show that. in fact, max doesnt show much of ANYTHING to begin with, at least not in the way daniel is used to.

because daniel is good at performing right, so when it comes to the vows, he's cracking jokes, making max's mum and victoria laugh (obvs j*s is not there), saying the cheesy shit they all say like 'i knew i wanted to marry you from the moment i met you,' and 'this is a leap of faith but i'm ready to jump with you, baby,' whereas max is like taking it very seriously, almost to the point of like... not seeming into it? like he says stuff like, 'i will try to like you, i hope also that you will like me, i want to be a very good husband,' because thats the truth! he cant lie and say like, he wants to spend his life with daniel, because he doesnt know him yet. but to daniel it seems a little...cold, so he's not sure how to feel about his new husband.

at the reception, max is even more awkward, doesn't know how to start conversation and barely answers the questions daniel asks him.

'what music do you like?' 'i do not listen to a lot of music.'

'what do you do for fun?' 'i like to play fifa.'

'what do you do for a job?' 'i am a car mechanic.'

and daniel is sinking lower and lower into his chair like, fuck, what have i done, i've got to spend the next few weeks with a guy who clearly doesnt have any social skills. meanwhile, max is like, wow, daniel wants to know so much about me:) he is a good listener:) he is doing all the talking because he can tell this is hard for me:) or something lol. doesnt realise hes being rude, he just- he cant do this with the camera in his face, okay?

then in the bedroom, on their wedding night max realises that maye its not been going as well as he thought because he tries to kiss daniel, but daniel just laughs, stepping away gently and saying, 'guess ill take the couch right?' because he thinks that. well max is really young? what if hes just in this for the fame, the quick money, what if hes doing this now because he feels he has to? daniel doesnt want it to be like that, okay. its not what hes here for. but to max, he's like. oh:(. he'd thought- but of course daniel doesnt want to sleep in the bed with him, because look at him and look at daniel.

then i think the misscommunication continues for a bit of their honeymoon. they both think the other doesnt like each other, and max says even less now because if daniel doesnt want to even kiss him, then what is the point trying to be husbands? so they avoid each other a little, until daniel eventually thinks, fuck it, i gotta *try*, because he cant have max say leave and go home in the first week okay? his friends (michael) bullied him so badly for doing this, so it has to be worth it.

so he sneaks max out to some romantic beach picnic without the cameras (btw theyre in the caribbean or something idk), gets them both tipsy and he asks, 'why did you even come on the show?' and because the cameras arent here, max can be honest and say, 'my sister, she has two babies. and i tried to find somebody who would want this also, but with me. but always, men wanted sex and then when instead i tried to go for breakfast the next day, they would just laugh and leave. maybe it is because i am bad at it, but i did not do it at all for a long time, because my dad-'

and then max breaks off, and daniel tugs him into his arms and is like, 'its okay max. somebody to build a life with, thats what i wanted too.' then he kisses max, and it's not like on the wedding day, a peck in front of their parents, it's deep and there's tongue and max can't help but push for more and more, to push daniel back into the sand and grind against him until daniel is like, 'why dont i be the judge of how bad you really are?' and then they have like, mindblowing sex over and over, for the rest of the honeymoon.

and im not saying the sex like, fixes everything, but i think max feeling wanted sexually by daniel soothes a lot of the insecurities inside him that were making it hard for him to open up to him in other ways? like the next morning in bed he's a little shy when daniel cracks a load of jokes about how very much not bad in bed he is, but he’s also laughing and laughing, and when daniel starts a conversation over breakfast, suddenly max is chatting his ear off. and he is still is a little awkward infront of the cameras, but in private, they start to build something real. he can banter back with daniel now, give as good as he gets, even if the jokes are dorky and not funny to anyone else. to daniel they're cute and because he knows what max was like before, he can see how hard max is trying.

and daniel doesnt know when it happens, but one day everythinggg max does just becomes endearing. all of max's little quirks, his bluntness, his black and white thinking, daniel realises this is max and he really really likes max. max isnt pumping his tires because he wants something from daniel, he genuinely thinks daniel is hilarious and sexy and kind. and because daniel knows this, he feels he can be *real* with max, in a way hes never been before? like, max likes daniel the showman, but he also just likes daniel.

i genuinely think its like, a whirlwind romance after that. they tell each other they love each other before they even come back from the honeymoon, the viewers at home are rolling their eyes declaring it will never last.

but it does :) after the initial struggle, they become the low maintenance couple that just vibe the whole time lol. daniel waffle's about how much they get on with each other at each comittment ceremony, while max is like, 'yes things are good:)' and dies inside the time the intimacy expert asks if theyve had sex or not, and how was it. daniel just winks and says no complaints, but refuses to give anymore away bc thats private and he knows max doesnt want it out there.

the only time they get into any drama is when daniel sticks up for max, declaring his love publically to the group for the first time, when one of the girls is being mean and saying that max has the personality of a cabbage and she doesnt understand what daniel sees in him. or when max (bc he’s defo the one to get put with the girls even though it should be daniel) gets a little outwardly jealous when all the girls answer 'daniel' when asked who they think the hottest husband is at those awkward group days (shoutout to the episode that aired just haha) but inside he’s preening, like, hell yeah, thats my man.

then when it ends, they post an update on insta like, yeah we are still together, here are our two cats & also we got married for real:)

the end lol

you are so cool and non judgemental to chat with, so thanks very much once again! yeah I think the whole hysteria abojt idols fs in away its intruiging from a non obsessive point of view but for those who do obsess about idols fs are going to be in for a shock whenber idols are revealed to be dating and shock horror, its not themselves.

honestly I regret not really going for it and learning a genuine skill that I could then use later on but sometimes its just matter of having opportunities or being in the right situations to actually gain those skills, for example you could go to a really shitty school and learn something amazing or you can go to a better school but have shitty classmates or teachers that are of no real use to you or courses that arent available and so on and so forth, whilst idols have to go through a lot I do think what they get to do is super cool cause when they pass on they have a legacy to be proud of. Sadly I think it just comes down to them being in the right areas or theyre from the right families who can invest so much into idols gaining their skills and talents. I have yet to really see someone from my country denut in kpop group sooooo it kind of says a lot of where kpop is heading and that they were going to smerica come what may. its just sometimes our situations are very limiting and we cant always win at everything in life either or say you might want to do something but realistically you know its slim to none chances and i think at some point it has an age limit of when you can succeed at it. So even if i wanted to do what i originslly wanted it would take many more years just to get to a good skill and even then you might not be the best at it

I also think sometimes social media makes things neither great nor bad cause people can upload their skills and really empahsis on what they want nowadahs whereas when I was a kid we were doing fuck all with our free time yaknow? kids nowadays shouldnt waste their younger years is what im saying. sometimes i think that i dont fit in with my generation cause of how screen obsessed we all have become and then i dont fit in with newer generations cause they have so many more ways of making success for themselves, im just like what can i offer? honestly not much.

thats also why i lowkey wouldnt mind passing on early just to get out of this screen world that we are in and yet older generations were never bothered with taking selfies then they wouldnt habe been able to get social validation via online, so they were probs happier and things were at least affordable back then. i kinda envy the older generations in that respect, we only got to experience a small handful of years without the pressures of social media and ever since idfk 00s or earlier it kinda went to shit really.

everyone was expected to be online and idk how i really feel about it anymore im sort of over it and modern society generally sucks. so many idols get backlash for no good reason, youtubers who dont do anything wrong get gossiped about and snark pages are endless so even if someone wants to do something amazing with their lives they cant avoid scrutiny of any sorts. its just got way out of hand and its past the point of saying well just dont use it then cause we technically need these devices constantly so ergo its not hard to not be delulu about celebs and the likes either cause its literally everywhere.

Sorry for the late response, been caught up in some important stuff recently (it's not bad stuff LMAO)!! Anyways, thank you so much! I try my best to remain open-minded of any/all perspectives before forming an opinion of my own and even so, I'm very open to hearing others opinions on these matters. Debating issues is something I genuinely enjoy, as long as it is a polite and healthy debate ofc. It is quite interesting, I'd say it has something to do with the "loneliness epidemic" (as I like to call it) of these times. We're in a time where technology is increasing rapidly and human interaction isn't as common, we're more attached to our screens than actual people and that becomes an issue when it places you out of touch with reality! The obsessions over being an FS and whatnot is genuinely awful, like fans hating on idols and their relationships have led to some couples even splitting; look at Lee Jae Wook and Karina from Aespa as our most recent example. It's never too late to try, really. You can learn any skill no matter your age as long as you can put enough effort in, remain disciplined and dedicate time to it! I think your point there is quite valid, but since technology has advanced so rapidly, you can realistically learn most skills online now by a few quick google searches, taking notes, learning and applying them practically. I think it is quite cool how idols have a legacy that'll be remembered for a while. It's something I'd want to achieve before passing on, as even though making an impact, being remembered, etc isn't a neccessity it does in a way lessen the anxiety about passing on? It makes you feel like there is a chance that people will still mention you, bring you up, that what you did could be studied or researched by other people, that your story could motivate others into getting their shit together, etc. A lot of idols aren't in the right areas or families, though. I'll use BTS as an example here; some members had extremely poor families and were from a run-down agency that could never compete with the big 3. Look at where they are now? They single-handedly built up their label, going from Bighit to HYBE. Practice makes perfect, the more you practice, the more work you put in, the better you will get at that skill! Obviously, blind optimism isn't helpful but if you take the realistic steps in place to where you want to be in the next few years now; it will happen and you will succeed. I completely agree that we, as a society, have all become too screen obsessed and I'm also guilty of this, but it is an issue. It's caused a lot of parents to just let the screen teach their kids, too. I'm sure you have a lot to offer to the world, even if you might not think so. You can do it, though! I believe in you and I'm proud of what you have done so far :] !! I had a discussion with a friend about a similar topic to this, but a lot of trends now are fueled by "nostalgia" where things looked happier and less daunting to live in. I think after 2015 is when things started to spiral, but that's my personal take. You're more than free to disagree with anything I've said!! I don't think you should force yourself to be online, stick to the trends, etc. Do what makes you happy and you'll see yourself shine brilliantly! And yeah, a lot of delusional ideals are fueled by big companies nowadays, too, since fans will obviously put more money into those celebs if they feel like they might get "noticed" - which could also be why concert tickets are getting higher and higher even for newly debuted groups. That's my take on all this, though, feel free to respond and add on, agree, disagree, etc! <33

post for ambrose to know my little guys awww the middle aged men who ruined my life awww :3 FUCK I FORGOT TO TAG @dohter ☺️

this is fumiya . the charisma of good and evil . hes the one who brought everyone in the house together for Reasons i guess . he looks very normal at first glance (especially compared to the design of everyone else) but hes the one everyone in the house is scared of. reason being he has zero sense of morals. he doesnt properly distinguish between right and wrong nor good and bad . he may sound terrifying but hes also really fucking chill . all of this combined makes him someone you can never completely trust nor distrust and its kinda funny . he also loves sweets and candy and pastries he like eats them excessively . every social situation hes in he always looks disinterested and in his own head . hes so neurodivergent They all are ngl

this is rikai . the charisma of order . unlike fumiya he has A Very Clear Sense Of Righteousness and fights for order among the members of the house everyday of his life . unsurprisingly this gets annoying as fuck when you actually dig into his usual methods . everyone in the house can agree that everything he does for righteousness is like very fucking exaggerated (like his obnoxious ass whistle he keeps using everytime order is slightly disturbed) but he couldnt care less . he wants order and control over everything and everyone . omg i forgot how hot his main official art was mffffgfhhhh SORRY SORRY SORRY S . getting derailed here . he may look and Act like hes the only normal person in there but in many senses hes one of the worst ones .

this is terra . the charisma of self-love . he . really likes himself . he Loves himself . he stares into the mirror for literal hours without problem . he Bleeds From His Nose Very Often looking at himself . he also has very low empathy for others that arent himself actually He couldn't care less about other people aside from himself . he's the one and only person worth it in the entire world in his perspective and honestly thats kinda real of him . also has a very complex relationship with gender and all that stuff . hes the only one from the whole cast with two main outfits . automatically proves his point that hes better tbh

this . Ohhggg this . This Is Ohse . the charisma of self-punishment . you know how terra is all about loving himself and all that well Hes the exact opposite. the very extreme opposite. he has severe depression and attempts to end his life several times throughout the series . he cant bear other people being nice to him because he feels like he doesn't deserve it at all. he barely leaves the room because he doesnt want people looking at his face he legitimately thinks it would be too disgusting for everyone . when he does leave he covers his face with a plastic bag so people dont look at his face . he often goes on tangents about how much he sucks. aside from all of that he really likes art and is actually very skilled at it he just doesn't notice this because hes too busy thinking nothing he does is worth it at all . he ruined my life

this is kei . the charisma of rebel. one day he went Damn i should start being a bitch and he never once stopped . if there's anything he can oppose at all he Does he never wants to agree with anyone or anything at all . rikai fucking hates him sometimes . everyone fucking hates him sometimes . he also likes street fights despite being fucking incompetent at them and always losing . he loves violence . its like his one solution for everything . unfortunately for him hes also one pathetic ass guy veeeeery deep inside even if he wants to put on this tough guy front. hes really truly miserable he just doesnt want anyone to ever find out

this . ugh . this is iori . the charisma of obedience . you know how kei is a bitch . well hes the exact opposite . if you ask iori for anything at all he will do everything in his power to get it for you . you would Think thats a good thing but unfortunately you dont know the things that go through this man's head . his acts of service for others are absolutely everything in his life . so much so he has made everyone (except for ohse) in the house sign a slave contract so they can use him however they please for the rest of his life . You Know How This Is Kinda Insane Right . he loves doing chores and being ordered around . if anyone ever offers to help him he like goes insane . he also . uhm . he also wears this . dog collar . so people ...... pull at it ........ and stuff ....... also hes like .............. very much a masochist ....... hes also ...... Hes also me . so me . he also ruined my life .

you see this official art right . you see it right . do i even have to explain anything . do i want to . i really dont . hes the reason i kinda hesitate from recommending charisma house to anyone . this is amahiko . he is literally And i mean LITERALLY the charisma of Sex . they just say it . straight up . no nuance no anything . hes just sex . hes sexo . hes a fucking freak about it . hes a self proclaimed "minister of sexy affairs" he describes that as his profession for some fucking reason . his goal is to "spread sexiness around the world" meaning he has to be a weirdo to everyone in the house . weirdo as in sexually . for some reason this never goes to the way some animes treat characters like him though you know what i mean . everyone around him finds him Weird for it they never try to hide the fact everything he does is weird as fuck . despite that its hard to hate him by the end . surprisingly hes one of the most mature in the house (being that hes also the oldest out of everyone's revealed ages . terra hasnt revealed his age) and can genuinely be someone you can trust . unfortunately hes a freak. thats the funny thing about him. hes also . uhm . h. h... no . no you dont have to know that .

sometimes when they get Too Charisma ! they transform have a whole musical number and then collapse in exhaustion . this is called a charisma break . they get it from being actual weirdos .

uhm my only warning for if you ever decide to watch charisma house is Number One amahiko as a whole and Number Two rikai's first song has literal nazi imagery unfortunately . Fortunately though thats like the only weird in the bad way mv . because the other mvs are also weird . i just don't know if i should describe them as weird in a good way . whatever. specific drama track episode for the song is number 27 but its only by the end . the rest of the episode is good to watch❤️

hope you had fun ambrose . these are my guys .

Meet my trolls! ~

Argia Therum (she/they/he) - 9 sweeps old - Megatherium lusus - Limeblood

Prospit - Doom - Scythekind

5imply filled with 5o much earne5t wonder and amazement for the world! =D creep5 out mo5t people becau5e they all 5eem to think they’re weird or faking it… the number 5 is very 5pecial to them but they arent 5ure why.

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Varke Scofra (he/him) - 9.5 sweeps old - Entelodon lusus - Bronzeblood

Prospit - Blood - Brassknucklekind

PRETENTIOUSLY POETIC ENERGY TO HIS WORDS – VERY CAREFULLY CRAFTED SELF IMAGE AND INCREDIBLY FRAGILE EGO – AVOIDS CRITICISM – COMPULSIVE LIAR AND BRAGGER – SELF ESTEEM IS ENTIRELY CARRIED BY WHETHER OR NOT PEOPLE BUY INTO HIS PERSONA

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Stima Megneu (he/him) - 8.5 Sweeps old - Meganeura lusus - Goldblood

Derse - Light - Plungerkind

=xtr=m=ly knowl=dgabl= about vid=o gam=s to th= d=trim=nt of =v=rything =ls=. v=ry quick to infodump at th= first opportunity about favorit= gam=s and poss=s=s n=ar =ncylcop=dic knowl=dg= about said gam=s. social skills ar= n=ar non=xist=nt. can b= v=ry irritabl= wh=n small d=tails are gott=n wrong

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Nodux Mengeu (he/him) 8.5 Sweeps old - Meganeura lusus - Goldblood

Prospit - Time - Macekind

v imp8ent shortns wrds no br8k btwn sntnces oftn skps vowels is pro speedrnner n wants 2 get thru evrythng quick as possble as precisly as possble. thnx of hmslf as 'cooler' brothr >B-)

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Ixeti Garman (he/him) 9 sweeps old - Anomalocariss lusus - Blueblood

Derse - Rage - Beautykind

has bad stutter and speaks softlly and meeklly as if he is connstanntly crying,, very pathetic and scared outwardlly but willl go out of his way to commit absollutely heinnous acts and will proceed to cry and cower whenn caught.. how cann you be mad at me right now??? >△< im lliterally crying i didnnt meann to killl those people,,,,,, (absolutely *did* mean to kill those people)

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Cerre Jonens (she/her) 9 sweeps old - Titanoboa lusus - Indigoblood

Prospit - Space - Bonekind

Very pasSsionate about Beforan wildlife. The “normal” one. IsS easily made uncomfortable >_> jusSt wantSs to talk about animalsS. HaSs sSnakey lisSp. ~>°)～～～～～～ < (HisSsSsSsS)

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Dophy Cetala (she/her) 9 sweeps old - Echovenator lusus - Violetblood

Derse - Mind - Spearkind

Types with a bit of a mystical air ^.^ Outwardly kind and warm but distant and mysterious. None of her friends know that she is the leader of an internet cult that's (mostly) harmless…

Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad💀

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

alright i gotta say something

you really cant do anything when you have a moderately popular blog huh

look. im a lurker at heart. i just happen to have one issue: not being able to shut up when im interested in something. thats the only reaaon this blog exists. i didnt come here to make friends, though i ended up doing that along the way

i dont want or need your pity. what i need is for people i dont know at all to stop putting me under a microscope

newsflash: i dont matter. follower count doesnt matter. at all. do you know what its like having thousands of eyes on you all the time? it sucks

i literally cant do anything

if i block literal strangers, they get mad and try to publicly shame me for it. if i try to settle disputes amicably in private, its seen as bad. if i attempt to be open and transparent with modding decisions, its bad. if i ask people to actually talk to me, they dont. instead they kick up a frenzy in private to coordinate a stupid mass hissy fit disproportionate to any perceived slight they may have endured. if i make friends, people take it personally. people see that as some sort of insult. i cannot be friends with everyone. i wont. this hurts strangers feelings, dspite me not existing for their pleasure.

some of you feel very entitled to my time. you dont own me. i dont owe you anything. ive tried to not lose the few molecules of my mind left on a regular basis because of some people who are no longer in this fandom, and some who still are. and man. i am just. tired. of everyone. all the time.

i think even more than the fact that this series was released (mainly) as a bingewatch fest, what killed this fandom was you

not necessarily you, whoever is reading this. i mean the fans. in general. some of you are so annoying, rude, inappropriate, and willfully lacking in social skills. youre over dramatic. youre moody. youre dramamongering. youre liars. youre bullies. youre self-ascribed victims. you dont care about other human beings.

youre repulsive, frankly

you are part of the reason people have been leaving the fandom in droves. the homophobia. the transphobia. the ship hate. the inability to treat other people with basic human decency. the manufactured scandals. shut up and grow up

you know why i barely interact with larger fandom anymore? ill tell you

waves of harassment to varying degrees ad nauseam

creeps who refuse to even try to keep their fetishes to themselves in private groups that include minors

abusers (most of whom are thankfully now gone)

people befriending me only to reveal that they dont actually like or care about me as a person

the most willfully socially inept people to ever exist

nosy jerks who literally cannot stand not sticking their nose in personal problems that have nothing to do with them

people treating me and my blog like im google adsense. im not a billboard guys

people deciding i am evil for no apparent reason? sdkjfalsdjfa

thinly veiled anythingphobia pretending to be socially just (hi homophobes who imply that being lgbt by nature is 'adult')

people who just make things up. all the time. just make up a lie, say it passionately enough. if you try to defend yourself, youre seen as guilty/suspicious. if you try to resolve things quietly with only those involved, you're seen as guilty/suspicious. cant win

wankers who need to learn why parasocial relationships arent actually meant to be embraced wholeheartedly

really lame one-off trolls tbh

the most fandom discourse-poisoned takes i have seen since su hatedom was at its peak

im just tired of being nice all the time? i think you guys just like taking advantage of people you imagine to be good targets

listen. i am allowed to do whatever i want, regardless of how you feel about it. the same thing goes for you. i tend to try to resolve things reasonably and rationally, but i wont pretend ive never gotten mad or overreacted or made a decision i regret. ive made that pretty known. i like to think i've grown, and ive gone out of my way to apologize to people.

however.

some of yall do not understand that just because your feelings got hurt, it doesnt mean you are deserve an apology or an explanation. sometimes it literally is just a you problem. a skill issue. you need to grow thicker skin. learn how to curate your online experience. get. over it.

lets talk about blocking, shall we?

blocking is great. i block people all the time. i block bots, i block tag spammers, i block people who make posts with rancid vibes, i block people who ive personally interacted with and no longer wish to, i block because i get tired of seeing someones posts, i block people who post things that trigger me, i block blogs with icons i dont like. there's usually no grand reason for it, aside from egregious cases where i've been harassed. its also usually not personal. i will block people who ive followed for years. i dont care. i dont know most of yall. i know i've been blocked by tons of people and that's okay! i would rather people who don't want to interact with me do that.

if you get blocked, thats it. dont attempt to contact me again unless i reach out. im not the only blog in this fandom. youll live without my posts. i am not the arbiter of all things animaney.

im just some guy

i know that the people who need to hear this most will not care nor will they actually absorb what i'm saying. ive gotten a lot of hate over the dumbest crap. im done. i think i need to stop trying to be so friendly, because some of you think being a little pissbaby is the only way to interact with others online.

cant wait til i finally explode one day and just delete everything

tldr shut up leave me alone oh my god its not that big a deal jesus christ

Do you tend to get a lot of asks? I feel like that can be a little overwhelming.

i dont get like, an absurd amount or anything. Usually none for a long time and then multiple in one day.

but even online my social skills arent really up to par

and I wouldnt say overwhelming but I do feel bad that I disappoint people when I dont answer them, and I also feel bad if I answer too many, since yknow. it goes on peoples dashes and not everyone wants to see them.

and I also also feel bad if someone wants a drawn response, or even if I just feel like it should get a drawn response but i dont feel up to drawing it.

so i do have a tendency to leave things unanswered. And I'm sorry when I do. Im always flattered people want to talk to me though.

Leverage Redemption Log: The Golf Job

Thats Golf with an O not a U. (so its not about BP) its also notably with an F not a D so its not about Hardison returning to learn a lesson on the importance of simplicity in the art of the con either. --- five-hundred and four nails. Thats a large and incredibly specific number of nails (wether hardware or keratin)

Migrant labour, phones and families held hostage. Well our mark at least knows talent when he sees it.

Welcome to America kid, where "upwards mobility" means a sherpa carrying a drunken white man up Mt Everest. --- HURLEY?! I mean i knew you were still around cause Parker mentioned you earlier but to see you is another story.

Breanna is at a coding-camp to get her skills improved. Ok so i know from the TVtropes page of the OG series that there was a korean spin-off, so im assuming that this is a reference to the Korean Spin-off.

But apparently Hurley went from "no longer doing crime" to "I swear im no longer doing crime unless im conned by a hot nun" to "fuck it, if I cant live a life of non-crime i'll at least have someone I trust decide which crimes im doing". --- Golfing trip. Harry loses his ball and stumbles across our Mark. Harry overhears the less-usefull half of the conversation (basically only knows about a "liquidity issue") and witnesses Bao get threatened.

Elliot is at this point so familiar with the whole "busman's holiday" thing that he no longer finds the irony funny anymore.

Ah im starting to realise whats happening. The halloween episode was a "girls night out" and this is the "boys night out" episode. But cause Hardison is only available as a special guest they had to bring in Hurley to avoid working a 2-man crew. Harry's first time having to do an actual B&E himself. Meanwhile elliot is doing his "pretend to be a creepy rich guy oggling the staff who arent paid enough to put up with it" con. (not a fan) Hurley is getting the money by rolling pockets as a server. --- And Harry needs to figure out a password. First two tries fail (both decent guesses) and he knows a third failure will lock him out so he tries Breanna, who is unfortunately unavailable for reasons of coding camp. Oh he's resorted to Social Engineering, taking a leaf out of Sophie's book. Lets see how it plays out for him.

And He's Done It! (Maybe "Imaloser" is a bit on the nose, but it fits the character of "disgruntled IT guy who is sick of these idiots not doing this right")

Something bad enough that Harry's old employers wouldnt be willing to keep it on their servers lest it damage them? Thats bad.

And Harry almost got compromised but quickly pulls the "this is my office" and stealthily distracts her while he removes the pictureframes. He's getting good at this. (but also, he was never bad at it. His first self-made heist was pretty well thought out with exception to the whole "insurance would've covered it" thing.)

little bit more social engineering and he's got access to the paper files (unfortunately he slips and gives himself slightly away, both with his rant on how lawyers are scum and the daughter thing. Yes Saphron has a child but its a baby, not remotely old enough to be someone she'd remind him of) --- Elliot getting confused on the various stupid con-names. (good gag.)

Sophie doing her part of the con in a cameo. (wonder if this is gonna be a repeat of the Girls Night Out Job and next episode lets us see why she's wearnig a moustache in a monastary, but i dont think so)

poor guy's gonna be on hold for hours isnt he... great dart-throw though. Impressive. --- I like Bao's little story about the Golf-club of the Lake. Hurley is trying to reach out but unfortunately, fear is still winning (cause hostages at the nail-salon) --- Harry is taking his understudy on an all-expenses spa-day. Oh she's calling him out earlier then expected (harry is not that good of an actor) but he reaches out and works her on their side.

Greenscreen Parker is rather uncanny valley.

So yeah, he's a human trafficker. --- And we're back to continuity-jokes (thin blue line and that one where he played baseball)

Repeat of Sophie's advice. Ah the magic words... god i hate those. Hurley reverse-engineers the secret to Elliots power: The more Chaos, the better the Elliot.

Little "chaotic Hurley" montage (the keys, thats just low) --- Operation Ultrakaren is a go! And Hurley is going into withdrawal,

Well Harry is definitly undeniably outed to his old company now. (i mean they already suspected, but now Saphron knows)

"shoulda yelled two". a solid 2/2. bows on everything, wrap-up at the theatre.

oo uh.. fin for 5, 7 and 13? and zila for 3, 24 and 8 if ya feel like it :)

from @auroracycle-enjoyer

tysm for the ask!

game

finian:

5: i think abt him whenever i listen to scrawny, there are probably songs out there that fit better tho

7: i think the fandom characterization of fin is pretty true to the books, and i like how we've all agreed that him and auri are besties

13: 😏 no explanation required

zila:

3: there arent many things wrong with my angel tbh, but i thought it was a bit weird when scar said she was a sociopath and then they never revisited her being one, bc its out of character for scar to just be so rude unless its true, but its literally not.

8: again, not much lol, but i'm not loving the underrepresentation of zinari, or when people use her "bad" social skills for comic effect (as a fellow autistic person, it does hurt me a little bit) though luckily that doesn't happen too often.

24: tbh im not really in any other fandoms, just obsessed with this, so i cant rlly think of anyone soz

I logged out and stopped playing early. Idk...I'm just bored...like I have no one to hang out with and talk to and sometimes it gets a bit depressing seeing other people hanging out and having fun together. Anytime I have tried to make friends and be kind to people I would always get treated like garbage. I have nothing but traumatic memories of people and how they all treated me like shit. Like wow...am I really that unlikeable? Why was I even born then? 😅

But seriously, though. While it is true that you dont need to have friends, life is more fun when you do have them. Right now...I'm just bored. Lonely and bored. Life feels so dull and pointless. Like?? What's the point to anything? Like you think you are living right and it's like "Okay God I cut off the toxic friends and the people who were bad influences so when am I going to have people to talk to or am I just going to be destined to talk to myself for the rest of my life?" And that is what I actually do. I have full conversations with myself because I have no one to actually talk to. I guess God wanted me to be isolated from everyone and not have any social skills. lol okay so that made me undeniably crazy. what was the point of that exactly? what is the point of me being here? to be a laughing stock to people? to be the butt of a joke? like why? what is the purpose of me being on this earth. I'm tired of everyday being the same thing over and over.

I feel like I dont really have much of a life nor much to offer. I can't work or drive because of my mental health and my inability to handle stress and my crippling anxiety. I have no social skills and lack the proper necessary skills to make connections and talk to people. Why the hell am I here? I'm just so bored with my damn life.

It must be nice for the people who do have friends and who do have relationships. You're fortunate. I'll probably never have that especially since it seems like God clearly doesn't want me to. I am wondering why I am even still serving Him. I know I shouldn't be envious of people or covet what they have and I dont want to but?? You arent exactly helping me not to now are you? I want friends...I want a relationship...I want human connection but I never get that. I just get treated like garbage like I am nothing and worthless. Its like each time I see people hanging out that is just the universe's way of telling me "yeah you will never have anyone or connect with them. you will never have that. they are fortunate and you arent". And where are you in this, God? Do you care about my suffering? You said in your word for us to delight ourselves in you and serve you and I have done that and even so with all of the time I have given you and all the times I have defended your name and honored you, I get nothing in the end but suffering. How is that fair?

I dont connect with anyone and any connection I do try to make always falls through the cracks and I have to do all the work while they lose interest and stop talking to me. Now I no longer trust anyone after all the betrayals and abandonment. My life just sucks and I'm tired of living it honestly. Like the people who treat me bad always have people to support them and help them but I get absolutely nothing but people telling me that "they dont enjoy being around me when I am sad". How is it that other people can get support and love and they dont even serve you and yet I get absolutely nothing when I am serving you.

I just dont understand this. God, I have served you and have made every effort to revere you but it just feels like you always want me to be lonely and suffering which is already horrifically bad for my terrible mental health. Do you even care? I know I am supposed to serve you and all but given the fact that I already suffer with my mental health, why do I need to have a lack of social skills, too? That just seems cruel of you. I am trying to trust you but I am beginning to lose my faith in you. I don't feel motivated to live this life anymore.

sigh

imma say smth whiny again so plz ignore, im emo lately

my biggest pet peeve in any fandom is hypocrisy but my second biggest one is extremism

idk, ive been reading a lot of "deruth isnt as bad as other dads so he did NOTHING wrong" type defenses lately and... no?

i freely admit that deruth isnt the worst father in existence but he's not perfect either?? he has messed up, he has (accidentally) caused serious harm to his child through poor parenting skills and tbh he's just a bit dumb and shortsighted

ofc i dont care for the reverse either, "deruth is not the perfect dad therefore he's the worst most evil scum imaginable" but i tend to prefer this version even though its more ooc and i deeply dislike ooc content

theres just smth abt saying “he’s not actively trying to kill his child like other fathers so he’s the perfect dad” that srsly skeeves me out. I think its bc its the excuse thats made for a lot of real life abusers (i wouldnt say that deruth is necessarily an abusive person but he has done things that are irresponsibly harmful towards his children) and seeing that excuse just makes my skin crawl

“You shouldnt be upset, your dad didnt beat you unconscious so he’s not abusive” or “he doesnt hit you so everything else he does is justified” and so on and so forth. Its just a personal preference of mine, but despite my dislike for ooc content, if im forced to choose between ooc and abuse apologetics, im going to choose ooc

But thats the main problem. I dont see why there needs to be any extremism in any direction. Deruth doesnt need to be written as an irredeemable monster for him to be a deeply flawed parent but he also isnt a fucking saint who needs to be protected at all cost. Idk, when i see these conversations it just feels like it murders nuance

I mostly lurk cuz i dont have a lot of confidence in socializing with ppl but sometimes i’ll just be lurking and i’ll see smth like “i HATE how ppl bash deruth, he’s an AMAZING father” and then a bunch of ppl replying to that with agreement that lacks any nuance. Again, to be fair, there are plenty of ppl who make the opposite argument to an uncomfortable extreme, but at least there arent any abuse apologetics in deruth bashing

All of that said, i am not saying that i think that ppl who engage in those extreme debates abt deruth are bad people or they support child abuse or anything else insanely over the top like that. Frankly, ppl can enjoy fandom however it makes them happy. If it makes them happy to defend deruth to their dying breath, you do you dude, have fun. Im just stating that i am personally a person who is deeply uncomfortable with reading abuse apologetics

But moreso than opinions like “deruth did nothing wrong! He’s the perfect dad! He never did any irresponsible parenting cuz there weren’t any bruises!” i am even more deeply uncomfortable with blaming og cale for deruth’s poor parenting. Now if you’ve read any of my fics, you might notice that while i rlly like og cale, i think that his behavior is shitty. He had noble goals but much like his father, he was too short-sighted and stupid to actually help his family properly and the things he did would have made being his parent an absolute nightmare

One of my favorite fics that i wrote has an entire plot centered around cale needing to realize how harmful and toxic his behavior was and start himself on the long and painful path towards growth and improvement. I think that cale has potential to be a better person than he is but no matter what, even if he was faking every second of it, the shit he did was fucked up and he hurt a lot of people through his thoughtless foolishness

So if i think that cale is such a flaw character, why would i dislike it when people blame deruth’s poor parenting skills on the difficulty of raising a child as explosive and irrational as cale?

Very simple reason. Cale isn’t the parent. And the majority of cale’s misbehavior happened before the age of 18. The concept that a literal child with clear trauma is supposed to be the one who’s mature enough to make things better and shouldnt have been a difficult teenager just makes me feel gross

This is when the abuse apologetics start dipping the toes into victim blaming. If my understanding of the canon lcf timeline is correct (it might not be, lcf timeline is a bit hard to understand sometimes), cale lost his mother at 8 and started acting like trash to protect his step brother around the age of 10. A child. He was a child. Not even a teenager. A very small and stubborn child.

Ron stated in the sidestory that cale was quite similar to ohn when he was a child. Specifically while referencing how ohn will try hard to seem mature even when she’s scared or worried about the people she loves. The sort of child that tries to hide their pain so that other ppl can be taken care of instead. Ron is an unreliable narrator so its dubious how accurate this is but for me, it makes sense with cale’s character

I feel like people see 18 year old cale acting like trash and they think he was 18 yrs old for the last ten years. Nah dude, he was 8. Hell even at 15 when he started drinking, 15 is a really young age. Instead of blindly endorsing cale’s misbehavior by giving him money and supporting him irresponsibly, deruth needed to be a real parent to the boy. but instead he chose to do what he always does (even in lcf) throw money at the problem in hopes of making it go away

I have a lot more thoughts on deruth and cale and criticisms of both their personalities (and just how much cale really does take after his father) but that would derail further from my point. My point is that blaming a traumatized child for being a difficult child to parent is just… not it. Ive helped raise enough problem children to know EXACTLY how hard it is to raise a child like cale but just bc he’s hard to raise, it doesnt mean you just throw money at him and ignore the real problems

(also never get me started on how much it upsets me that no one, not a single person in cale’s life, realized that he had been possessed. It’s not like roksu did a flawless job impersonating cale. He didnt. His attempts to act like trash were cute in comparison to cale’s quite convincing act, but no one noticed and im the most upset at deruth abt this bc out of *everyone* i feel very strongly that his father should have noticed)

Anyway, this is a lengthy and foolishly thought out way of saying it makes me deeply uncomfortable to read blind defense of deruth’s character. Im not saying he’s an abuser, he isn’t in my opinion, but he is a *deeply* flawed parent who has done abusive things to his child, even if those things were unintentional. That said, if deruth apologetics are what make you happy, enjoy yourself. Im just not personally comfortable with the way those defenses often mirror abuse apologetics and victim blaming in real life situations.

(again, to be clear, i do NOT think that ppl who defend deruth are victim blaming abuse sympathizers. I think that they have an opinion of a fictional character that i disagree with and my reasons for disagreeing make it uncomfortable for me to read their opinions. That said, im also not saying that there isnt something morally wrong abt making deruth the most abusive scumbag on the planet bc i think that also tears away the nuance of how subtle and insidious abusive neglect can truly be. BUT ultimately i would prefer to read a removal of subtlety rather than arguments that appear uncomfortably similar to abuse apologetics)

its so insane idk if its just the distance i have right now from being in high school or because the first few months of my first year of high school have felt like the last time i actually had my life together or felt happy before i completely fell apart and they just have been enshrined in my mind or something but i swear like damn that really is ur one last shot at having fun like you have a whole little structure that tells u what to do and when and u get to be shuffled between different classes that at least change up whats going on in ur day and there are built in times to socialize and there are other activities you can do and u might have fewer responsibilities etc like god it sucks so bad but damn that is at least more interesting and worthwhile than whatever the fuck im doing now like you are given a few more shots you like arent just fired when u fuck up like theres a goal you are supposed to achieve and people want you to achieve that like damn i was given so many shots to try and graduate high school and like there are various classes u can take new skills you can learn as a beginner vs its so fucking hard to find any worthwhile classes or anything for beginner stuff as adults that like actually helps u from the ground up like damn... i guess there are more things u can do as an adult but frankly my world has shrunk immeasurably and because there is no central thing u are shoved thru like school that gives u those goals and places u around people u could maybe become friends with or whatever like how do u do that on ur own like with no structure and nothing fun going on my god what the FUCK