fanfiction has fried my ability to talk to real men 😭 I just made the first move with a guy I've been interested in for a while and it's SO HARD.

how am I supposed to go about this without a forced proximity, one bed, enemies to lovers trope?? you're telling me I have to just talk to this guy?? I'm not going to randomly get caught in a snowstorm-- in a cabin with him?? what??

For the first time in a long time I went to the movies in forever and then to Target. At Target I see some Godiva bars on discount yellow tags and I was ecstatic until I read 70% Cacao, Dark, Salted Caramel and was deflated.

Anyway that's how I felt about seeing The Green Knight. What you thought this was about chocolate?

No see since the pandemic I've been back on my perennial King Arthur kick. I've for a long time since I was a young preteen thought, someday I too will write my own King Arthur epic and it'll be gay, magical, gangster and culty too, but for now I'll make up my own stories for practice and then with every story I got attached too, it got too involved and convoluted to the point that when it came down to actually writing a novel, I threw it all away and made a space opera I only planned in two weeks and wrote in a month. Anyway...so now I've been writing this very gay, magical, gangster and culty take on Final Fantasy XV with my boyfriend and just fell in love with Somnus Lucis Caelum who nobody has any insight about him than to make him the Mordred to Ardyn's Arthur, which is a strange flex, but okay, I thought about what if I wrote a Dark Age prequel about Ardyn and Somnus, but Ardyn becomes king and Somnus his shogun and they play games of seduction and power because I'm twisted like that. Anyway...I was like I'm never going to write this and I have to keep making up characters based on FFXV characters and King Arthur tropes because there's not a lot of stories that take place during the Dark Ages, it's always some Roman Empire story, or High Middle Ages and FFXV gave no room for either society to happen after the fall of Solheim and the rise of King Somnus...so we left with Dark Ages, y'all, the King Arthur comparisons are obvious, but Ardyn is no Arthur and Somnus is no Mordred, Aera is only Guenevere if you make up an affair with Somnus, Gilgamesh is no Bedwyr/Bedivere, but uh...they both amputees and the oldest companions to their respective kings so...I guess. Anyway making an ancestor of Cor Leonis and deciding well he's Owain/Yvain, or am Ignis type as idk Sir Cai/Kay I guess, they both cook, but Cai's more like Seifer Almasy than any FF character... Anyway I'm losing people.

My plan was to just scrap the FFXV prequel, leave my Somnus ideas into Overtime (a gangster and gods story) and just plan an actual King Arthur adaptation. I'd have King Arthur the treasure hunter, leader of a warband turned founder of Camelot who fights giants, giant cats and dogheads, but also fights King Claudas of the Franks and King Aelle of the Saxons and Cerdic a Briton who puts in his lot with the Saxons, etc. It'd been a a glorified turf war, meanwhile Arthur's gotta make alliances with King Pelles, The Fisher King and his strange cult he's founded because, why yes I find the ends justifies the means prophecy of the Holy Grail Quest very culty because Christianity then does not resemble it now. Meanwhile you got the secondary plots of Mordred, Gawain, Lancelot, Percival, Tristam and other's going on because they matter and too many modern King Arthur stories sideline the knights.

So many have always sidelined Mordred as a final boss eldritch abomination in mortal flesh conceived of sin and give him no personality, or complex motives, or even just a relationship with Arthur. I also have noticed the general sidelining of Lancelot, or give him a chad villain upgrade if you must include him at all, and the villainizing of Gawain to the point that you don't even have to have Mordred, or Agravain as a catalyst shit stirrer in court, just slap Gawain's name on Liam Neeson in a top knot and you're good. Mordred can just be a child offscreen until last act...fuck that, while Morgan Le Fay can either be a villainess plotting her cabal through men, or a well-intentioned, ineffectual idiot. Fuck that.

Now Hollywood just be doing King Arthur first acts that suck ass, only for said director to get rewarded failing upwards by giving this same jerk the Aladdin remake. The tonally shitty, crammed in blockbuster mess of a cliche heroe's journey that sucks.

With that background I was excited for The Green Knight. I read an illustrative version as a kid, I read Tolkien's translation as a teenager, I read Simon Armitage's superior, but with liberties taken translation. I was prepped to go knowing that indie, or not they were going to make changes to weave the disjointed poem together. I'm excited that because this movie exists Project Guternberg's finally thrown Jessie Weston's prose rendition up on their website. I'll be reading that at some point when this blows over.

The movie adaptation makes a lot of...choices, many I wouldn't love, but would forgive had their been a payoff. There was none.

The journey was fine, the cinematography was a breath of fresh air after crappy slo mo, glossy action scenes ruined another. Guys, I don't think I want to see a Zack Snyder Excalibur, it'll marginally be better than Guy Ritchie, but that ain't saying anything. Leave Excalibur to the post-Star Wars 80s where it is impeccable for it's time. I liked Green Knight's breathable pacing, it's color palette's in the forests and mountains made up for the muddy grey of every Ridley Scott send up in the castles and villages in every other Dark Ages/Medieval story in the last I don’t know since the shitty 00′s. For all the dark tones when there was blues, greens, yellows or reds, they were vibrant in this movie to contrast the gloom of Britain. The soundtrack was good. This isn't all what makes a movie, but it enhances it so let's get to the story and what I did and didn't like.

Things I Liked: Gawain is still a novice in his career The Costume Dressing Everyone pronounces Gawain's name different. I pronounce it like Gwayne, or Guh Wayne, but here you got Gowen (like Owen), Gowan (like Rowan), or even Garlon who I'm pretty sure is the Fisher King's heir in some versions of that Arthurian story, so uh... The reference to Arthur slaying 960 men with his bare hands (Nennius for the win!) The Waste Land that is implied to be a site of a battle (an important aspect of the Arthurian landscape) The Fox companion No long grisly, drawn out hunting scenes. The Fox lives! No misogynist speeches

Things I'm Mixed: This being a dream, is the magic real? Are the giants? Is the Green Knight a figment of Gawain's imagination from a spell Morgan casted in him to hallucinate? Is Lord and Lady also figments? It's...a way to interpret the poem, but lazy and I don't see why it's got to all fantasy, or all dream...this movie makes it too vague you're stuck picking one camp than to accept it's a fantasy with dream and hallucinatory sequences.

Things I'm Meh: Morgan Le Fay as Gawain's mom. Look I fucking hate Morgause as a character and these two get merged and steal each other's aspects so much at this point the difference is who did they marry, King Urien or King Lot? Both are attributed to being Mordred's mom, Mordred is Gawain's brother...both practice magic depending on certain incarnations, both love and hate Arthur their brother and are in conflict with him. Saint Winifred. I actually liked this sequence, but I don't appreciate her as the tacked on wife in the later dream sequence as like...a contrast between the wife you should marry than the whore next door you don't respect anyway? I don't even know what lesson I'm supposed to get out of the damn dream sequence, or any of it? That Gawain should've married his girlfriend and then he'd be a just ruler? That he shouldn't be king? That he'd never have to make the same heartless, impartial choices? I don't know, he seemed like a king doing king shit because guess what? It never gets easier. Wars will be waged. The world didn't become better because he married the right woman, respected her and lived in obscurity. The world didn't become better because he made her his queen. We certainly don't know the world would be better Gawain had his head chopped off and dead XP They never reveal the Lord and the Green Knight as one and the same because of this shit.

Things I Hated: Arthur withdraws from the challenge because he's old. In poem he takes it on and Gawain takes it so he don't have to and he finds himself more disposable than the king. Gawain only takes the challenge because of arrogance. Arthur and Gawain had no prior personal relationship. I'd not have hated this so much if it wasn't compounded by it cancelling out the first two things. Gawain is portrayed as having no respect for his woman, or any woman, maybe his mother? He has to be pushed by Winifred to regain her head. Gawain is portrayed as arrogant, covetous and ready to pass the buck, or the bare minimum than have any honor or decency. It didn't matter the kid in the wasteland was shithead bandit, the way Gawain acted towards him, when he gets robbed, it almost feels like he deserved it and Gawain doesn't learn a damn lesson. I'll admit him taking the sword to cut his ropes and cutting his hands was a neat sequence, it shows him go from stupid, to almost clever and having will to survive...you know traits he had in the poem, but he stops showing these traits or growing. Basically Gawain has to be dragged kicking and screaming to help people and shows no fortitude when facing temptation, or when showing respect towards others, it's exhausting. You don't make this kind of journey story without character growth. Why are you skipping this? Also is it just me, or is this like when you take Frank Miller Batman and transport him onto a Bill Finger story? This is at best Thomas Malory Gawain (and this is charitable) transported on the earlier Pearl Poet's story. Stop it. It's not tonally correct and goes at odds with the story and the set up characterization you'd need to tell it. Speaking of which, you know how I get through the oof... of Liam Neeson Gawain in Excalibur? By pretending he Agravain instead. Here...I don't even think Gawain could pass as Mordred in spite of his covetous nature, lust and entitlement. Why? because I don't think even Mordred is this dumb to warrant this hubris. Essel being invented as a tacked on love interest just to be shit on utterly and for what? I don't think I have much commentary here as there is no Essel I'm aware of to compare, or stack up. I just notice this trope of like...usually if you include a sex worker in Hollywood she often has a heart of gold, she often has her own sense of values that goes at odds with society, but is more true and less hypocritical than a privileged lady’s. I thought that's what they would've done with the added trope of back at home sweetheart to contrast and pit her against the despicable femme fatale of Lady Bertilak and her adultery and her ladyship...and I'm glad they didn't...but you did nothing with Essel than to shit on her for existing when you made her exist, you know. Lady Bertilak being portrayed as the seductress devil incarnate. Look I know adultery is a touchy taboo, but uh her and Gawain hit it off in the poem, dammit! Her values and his values come to clash, but here it's played off as Gawain is stupid and covetous and Lady Bertilak wants to prove something because...? If my brother's theory that she's a figment of Morgan Le Fay's magic, then I'll take this as a lesson of Gawain is impulsive and covetous and his mom knows it, but he don't want to fuck his mom, but he wants her power, and Morgan wants to teach him a lesson... I guess. Hey we don't have misogynist speeches in this movie, but we'll make sure to have the movie drip with it with no point, or commentary. Pass. Lord guilting, extracting and initiating the same sex kiss and only once. Poem automatically better that Gawain don't have to keep being reminded to keep his part of the bargain and he does it willingly more than once. What he doesn't do is give up his belt...gods how did we get more homophobic as a society that the homoeroticism here is worse? Catholics of the middle ages officially had no issue doing same sex, passionate kissing until it lead to sex. The Ending: The gods damn ending. In the movie as is, Gawain waits to uphold his end of the bargain and get his head chopped off. He imagines, even though we don't get any fuzzy or distortion to indicate this is a dream, but I already knew this was coming, he runs away and comes home, is regarded a hero, he sees his lady, takes her from behind and if you saw Brokeback Mountain (I didn't, but DJ has) you know this is a sign of disrespect to women. He gets her knocked up, pays her off for the kid she wants to keep, he is crowned king, marries the ghostly saint lady he helped retrieve her head earlier from a lake in the movie (this right here is the damn tip off). There's no more dialogue by this point and everything is montaging, so you know by now it's a dream, though nothing is out of focus. He rules as a heartless king, his whore son dies from war he waged, he has a daughter, his wife dies. Gawain then takes off the belt that would've saved his life and his head falls off. This would've been the one good twist, except... In this sequence of events he never had his head cut off so uh... now we back in present day. He decides not to bitch out, Green Knight in a sexy way is like "now off with your head," movie cuts to credits with no resolve...uh what the fuck? What the fuck? This is not good. You wasted the one twist in your dream when idk, you could've...

How I'd fix it: No dream sequence at all. No Incident At Owl Creek twist. Gawain comes home a hero and survivor of this game and ordeal. He wears this belt of shame. He becomes a well-renowned knight, but he bears a shame. One day he goes to take off his belt and his head falls off because he cheated to get this belt and to survive this encounter. There. Done. Improved your high concept movie that couldn't play any of the lessons straight from the damn poem without making everyone an asshole for no reason! Ugh! But nope you had to end it on we don’t know if Gawain lives or dies...because...it's dream magic made from his momma's witchcraft...?

Last Thoughts So then post-credits scene because Marvel because Pirates Of The Caribbean existed. A white girl who looks nothing like Gawain's daughter we see who didn’t pay off, or any child I can remember through this whole movie picks up King Arthur's crown that dream Gawain inherited and puts it on her head. Who is this girl? Are we gonna have an indie equivalent of of the Marvel Movie Universe/Universal Horror Monsters thing with ancient British legends? We gonna get a Life Of Saint Patrick next that crosses over? I don't know. What is this?

Feels Like This (Part 4)

Emma Swan is a once lost girl who is now making good. She has made a way in the world for her and her young son, Henry, and after years of hard work, Emma is in her last stretch of schooling for the career she’s always wanted. Unexpectedly, she finds herself in a tiny nation no one’s ever heard of for her last year of study. She knows nothing about the place except that it’s beautiful, has a world-renowned child life program, and is filled with possibility. Meanwhile, Prince Killian is hardly happy with the title he received at birth. As the second in line for the crown, Killian has long tried shaking his royal duties. He built a career in the royal navy, and has stayed out of the limelight, but his ship has been called to port indefinitely at the request of his brother, the King. Fate (in her many forms) brings Emma and Killian together and the resulting fic is a cute, fluffy, trope filled romp featuring heart felt moments, a healthy dose of insta-love and an assured happily ever after. Story rated M and will have 12 parts. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. Available on FF Here and AO3 Here.

A/N: Hey everyone! So we are back now with another chapter of ‘Feels Like This,’ and you know I couldn’t resist a chance to show the first meeting from Killian’s POV too. This story is just a cute fluffy little exercise for my muse, and I wanted to let that continue in this chapter as well. There are some mentions of Killian’s past and some hints at the ghosts he carries, but by the end we’ll all be firmly in fluff-mode. Hoping you guys will enjoy this cuteness as a break from the stress in the world right now, and can’t wait to see what you all think!

“Alpha command, do you read us?!” Graham yelled into the sat-phone, but the only reply was the suffocating sound of subtle static. “This is team five, reporting. We need immediate backup. Again, immediate back up. Alpha?...Alpha?” Graham grimaced and looked close to chucking the offending device in his hand across the desert sand. “Comms are down, Cap, and they’ve got us nearly surrounded.”

“How many?”

“Twenty at least, probably more like thirty or forty,” Tink said from her perch as lookout. “Well-armed and trigger happy.”

“It’s an ambush in slow motion.”

“Fucking airborne!” Will yelled, his eyes widening from the adrenaline even as his voice grew high pitched from rage. “They were supposed to be here by now. What’s the bloody hold up?!”

“Doesn’t matter,” Robin countered, reloading his gun and grabbing his pack, readying for either fight or flight. The former would mean certain death, and the latter was by no means a guarantee they’d make it out of here. “We can’t hold this position surrounded. We’ve got to get out. We can take some down as we do, but there’s no way we survive an all-out fight.”

“What do we do, Cap?”

The sound of an explosion to their right rocked the dilapidated building they were using for cover, and his heart rate finally kicked into high gear. They had to get out of here, his instincts insisted, mission be damned. They’d find another way to get what they needed. Right now he had to see his crew saved from total annihilation. He moved to give the order when another explosion went off closer, blowing out the far wall. Fuck, they needed to move, Now! –

Killian’s eyes sprung open, and his body flinched, springing into action on instinct alone. His chest heaved with quick, uneven breaths as if he’d just been running for his life. It took a few moments to realize where he was and to see that the memories from before were no longer his reality. He was not in the dessert on assignment, he was back at home in a bed that was too soft and spacious and pristine to ever feel natural. From the looks of things, it was still dark out, and a glance at his bedside clock confirmed that the sun wouldn’t be up for at least another hour. He’d managed to grab 4 hours of sleep, troubled as they might have been, and though the lingering fear still clung to him, that bit of rest was progress. He cautiously moved up from bed and stretched his limbs out, loosening his taut muscles that were stressed throughout his sleep, and schooling his mind to calm his body’s turmoil, dispelling the adrenaline to the best of his ability.

To a civilian it would seem an impossibly small clump of hours to function, but Killian had grown used to inconsistent sleep, and his body and mind were hesitant to rest for any longer than his deployment norm. He had the usual problems of a soldier returning home right now. The bed was too soft, the room was too cool, and the space was too quiet to fall asleep easily. Then when he finally gave into slumber, he’d rest and relax only to jump up, forgetting he wasn’t on a detail somewhere chaotic. If he slept too long he also tended to fall back into dreaming, and though he’d been spared the full extent of that particular memory from his last deployment, it was only a matter of time before the ghosts of that day came back to haunt his dreams.

No use fighting it off. I’ve seen what I’ve seen, and I survived. Just keep moving. One step at a time.

Those words had become an anchor to him throughout the course of his service, and they helped take some of the edge off, though his body still held the familiar ache of unresolved stress. There was little he could do with that, but in the meantime, Killian chose to see the solemn quiet of this time of morning as a gift. He was up before the staff came in, meaning no attendants were on hand to see to him, and no one was poised to offer him coffee and breakfast. This gave him the chance to dress quickly, sneak out of his quarters, and head out the back way.

He hit the garden path just as the world began to brighten. The sun was still hidden, but that pre-dawn rosiness hung over the world. Automatically he moved past the landscaped path, forsaking the hedgerow which would soon hold one of the nation’s most magnificent living floral arrangements. His mother was exceedingly proud of those gardens, and she deserved to be. They might be maintained by a large landscaping work force, but she was out here every day, not just giving direction, but also helping tend the flowers that were her favorite. No matter how busy her schedule, his mother found at least an hour each day to be out here and do work, and that love and dedication had blossomed over the last thirty years most beautifully.

This morning, however, he was too restless for the garden. He needed some exertion, a reminder of who he was not as a prince but as a man. He set out for the steepest hike in the royal grounds, a trail he’d come to know from the time he was a boy. Some days he ran this path, but not this morning. No, today was about measured steps and observation. He wanted to experience the nature around him, and to blend in with the peace that existed here. The rigor of the climb and the steepness of these hills granted his body some much needed occupation. He’d been working out in the palace as best he could, wanting to stay in shape despite his early retirement, but that was never natural. Outdoor pursuits suited him much better, and when he finally reached the top of the rocky overlook at the far side of his family’s prime estate, his reward was far greater than any lifted weights or treadmill-based run. Up here, past the canopy of trees, he could see for miles. A blend of undeveloped hills and groves that led down to the coast, and all of it green and bold and brilliant. The land below was royally endowed, open to the public, but not until after the sun had risen. For now, there was no one out here. Just him, the earth, and the sea.

Alone with his thoughts as the sun appeared at the horizon, Killian’s mind wandered musing over the state of his world and where he must start going next. He was back here for good, and it was time to accept that, and he found that he could much easier than he once expected. Part of that was thanks to the help of his family in finding him a worthy use for his time, but there was more to it than that. He’d felt aimless for the past few years, despite the rigor and routine of his time in the navy. Something was missing for him, something more than honor and duty. Out here in the morning light he admitted that it wasn’t something but someone that he craved. He was ready for a partner, a woman who would see him as the man he was, not the man he seemed to be. He wanted connection, understanding, but mostly he wanted love. So far in his life a true love had eluded him. He’d had only fleeting tastes and failed potential. No lass ever stood out from the fray, and certainly none of them could see beyond his title. There was always that question of what a woman really wanted, and Killian hated that, and resented it more than he could say.

Despite being a rational, logical man, he must admit he liked the dream of what love could be. The greatest tales of romance spoke to passion and to lust, to desire so great it morphed into this unspeakable creation. Life was not worth living without love. Love was paint on the canvass, and magic in the wind. It had all this promise and was built up so high. Killian didn’t know if love like that could ever be true. It certainly hadn’t been for his parents. His grandparents, meanwhile had been deeply in love, but they’d both come from noble lineages. The expectation of their station was always with them, and their marriage was arranged and sorted out long before they could have any say in it. They were lucky to have a true respect and adoration for each other, and his grandfather had told Killian many times of how he took one look at Princess Eleanor of Gendora and fell head over heels in love, but even that felt too inorganic. What Killian craved was something authentic and defiant. It should transcend who he was and where he came from. It should make him feel, as nothing else ever had before, but he had to wonder if such a love would ever come. Perhaps he was not meant for such good fortune. Perhaps, it was just not meant to be. But he hated to accept that, not when he’d always wished for a love that strong, and for a family of his own to care for.

That sad thought troubled him as he watched the sun rise over the world, and as he finally made his descent from the hillside and headed back to the castle more than an hour later. By that time the grounds were alive with the abundance of staff who tended to the estate and to his family. No one gave his early journey any undue attention, and breakfast was the same as usual. The only difference was in his mother and grandmother, who were excessively eager to hear his plan for the foundation today. Killian had some things to settle with his superiors in the navy first, like submitting his final retirement papers, but that would be done by midday. The director at the children’s institute had told him yesterday that a good time to come would be the afternoon, and he’d been informed that the older children would be out today, meaning Killian would only see about half of their home’s occupants. He was intrigued at what this would be like. On the one hand this was important work, but would he truly be well suited to it? Only time would tell if the children would trust him, and he wasn’t interested in forcing anything. He was hopeful but realistic, but his mother and grandmother had different views.

“Oh my dear, you’re over thinking it. The children are going to love you, that is a certainty,” his grandmother said, waving her teacup with a mix of agitation and well-bred refinement that was quintessentially royal. “Just be sure to stay open to everything and everyone. That’s critical.”

“Um, right. Thanks for the advice Gran,” he said, not really understanding her emphasis on being open.

“You never know, you could really find your future there,” his mother added, her eyes filled with something he couldn’t quite pinpoint, but his mother and grandmother were spared further questions from him when his mother’s assistant called their attention to an impending public appearance. Quickly they left the room, but Killian couldn’t shake the sense that somehow the two most important women in his life were in cahoots.

“Any idea what that was about?” Killian asked his brother, and Liam looked up from the files in front of him. It was work he’d brought to the table and been pouring over all meal long, but just as expected, Liam knew exactly what Killian was talking about despite his multi-tasking.

“No, and that’s never a good thing.”

“They’re plotting something,” Killian added, wracking his brain for what it could be.

“They usually are. I’ll have Jefferson look into it.”

Killian appreciated the solidarity he had with his brother in this area, and they shared a bit more small talk before they both needed to be on their way. Liam had a country to run and Killian had the daunting task of fully removing himself from the royal navy. He had to go to base to see it done, but was offered the utmost amount of privacy. His higher ups thanked him genuinely for his service, not because he was the prince, but because he had earned it and they were sorry to see him go. Then the dreaded moment came when he had to sign and submit his resignation. He expected a sense of loss when he did this, but as he scrawled out his name in full and handed the sheaf of paper to the Admiral at the desk, he felt a strange sense of relief. A chapter of his life was now over, but in its closing another door would open. Maybe that door would bring him the fulfilment he was looking for. Maybe he’d find the love he really wanted. Maybe happiness would finally make its way into his heart.

“Excuse my impertinence, sir. But are you feeling all right?” one of the royal guards stationed to his detail asked as Killian returned to the SUV that brought him here. Killian knew the man had himself served in the navy before he ascended to this job. They had the shared understanding of what walking away from this active duty meant.

“Surprisingly so, Gus. Thank you.”

“Of course, sir. So, to the institute then?” Killian agreed and they headed out directly. The journey was not a long one, but the shift in land and scene and scape felt prudent. Killian was going from one world to another right now, despite their being less than an hour away from each other, and by the time they got there he was in a new headspace, ready for a fresh and interesting challenge to throw himself into.

Driving up past the gates of the Institute, Killian’s first impression was he was glad that the place appeared to be in good shape. He would expect nothing less from his family’s foundation, but when one said orphans and children in need, it usually sparked images of Dickensian squalor. While none of these children were in the best situation (for a loving family placement must always be superior), he could tell just from the outside façade that this place was a safe haven. There were outdoor toys and sporting equipment, areas for the children to play, and lovingly etched chalk designs all along the pavement and back walls. He smiled at the range of the work, from the scribbling of little ones to the more sophisticated imaginings of what must be the older teens. Seeing this all put him at ease, and as he stepped into the front hall, coming face to face with an older man and woman ready to greet him, he hoped to carry that good feeling with him.

“You must be Marco,” Killian said as he approached the man he assumed was the director. “My grandmother has great things to say about your work here.”

“I appreciate that. And might I say, we’re thrilled to have you here, Sir.”

“Killian, please,” he corrected as he offered his hand in a friendly greeting.

“Killian. Right, sorry,” Marco said with a somewhat bashful smile, extending his own hand to shake. “That may take some getting used to.”

“Not a problem. We have time.”

Killian looked then to the woman beside Marco, an older woman with silver hair and a stately presence. She was put together but also looked maternal, and in many ways she reminded him of his grandmother in her younger years. She had that same aura of kindness and good sense that children liked to flock to. She introduced herself as Marie, but her voice warbled with continued uncertainty. Like Marco, Killian could see how flustered she was in the face of meeting a royal, and his heart sank, but then he watched as both of them grew more composed and their energies settled into the seriousness of their work. They explained quickly about the children and how they were all gathered now in their post lunch activities. Killian didn’t know what the plan was, would he meet them one on one? Perhaps be assigned to one area? But then they walked in and every eye in the place turned his way.

In the sea of faces, which were all looking his way, only the adults seemed to realize who he was, and they schooled their features quickly, cognoscente of the children all around them and probably having been told about his wish to be more normal in this setting. The kids, for their part, just looked curious and Killian let out a sigh of relief. Still he felt a sudden sense of dread. Would he measure up to what they needed? Would they ever trust him? Could this really work? Could he really blend in? He felt a wave of something cynical and pessimistic wash over him, but then his eyes caught on a beauty so striking he nearly lost his footing. If not for all his years of expert training in self-composure, he’d have made a real ass of himself, but as it was, he felt stunned and mystified at the image there before him.

The woman who enchanted him at first glance was blonde and beautiful, with thick golden hair and soft, timeless features. She was delicate but capable, and he knew just from a glance that she would be a force of nature. The bow shape of her lips coupled beautifully with the symmetry of her features and the sun kissed tone of her skin. She was dressed casually, no doubt for the benefit of her work here, but he’d never seen jeans and a t-shirt look so good. His mind faltered in this moment, strung out on so many primal thoughts and desires, drowned out by only one instinct – he had to know her, get close to her, and see if she could possibly be real.

To this point the woman had still been sitting, while the rest of the room had all stood at his arrival. Killian noticed the little girl who was holding onto her, and from here he could sense the young girl’s worry. He couldn’t hear the mysterious woman’s words, but she said something that appeased the little one. The child nodded before they stood up, and for a fleeting moment Killian felt pride. This woman was no doubt adept at this, making this little girl feel safe and protected, but the thought flew from his mind as the golden-haired siren finally looked up and their gazes clashed.

Bloody hell, she’s gorgeous. The cursed words luckily never passed his lips, but he could think of nothing except how entrancing this woman was. Her eyes were so green, and even from across the room he could see the shade was strikingly similar to the natural landscape he’d escaped to this morning. He thought of summer grasses and the lushness of life, and when brought together with the rest of her, Killian couldn’t imagine a more perfect creature. She was undeniable, and he was absolutely thrilled that at long last he’d found her.

Found her? You don’t even know her, his mind said but Killian ignored it. Perhaps that was sensible, but what use was there for sense in a moment like this? He felt the pierce of what must have been an arrow in his chest, and in that fateful moment he felt assured that this was the woman for him, and that he would do whatever he could to be the man she wanted too. He’d have kept staring at her forever if he could, but luckily Marco spoke up, introducing him to the children and the volunteers here.

“Everyone, this is our newest friend here at the institute, Killian.” Killian smiled at the use of his first name, and he let go an unsteady breath, reminding himself to breathe as he tore his gaze from the woman across the room and looked to all the kids.

“You’re big,” one boy called out, and Killian couldn’t help but laugh. He knew he was rather large compared to the average man. Special forces required him to stay in top shape, but then again every full grown man must seem big to a boy so young.

“You should see my brother,” Killian joked, for Liam had a good three inches on him in the height department.

“Is he coming too?” Marie asked, a fresh panic waving over her and Killian went to quickly ease her mind.

“No, ma’am.” The woman let out a sigh of relief but the children were hardly done with their questions.

“Why do you stand so straight?” another boy asked and Killian explained.

“I was in the royal navy.” The kids were instantly intrigued, and murmurs and exclamations abounded through the room. In the sea of questions though, one tiny voice stuck out most.

“Are you a good person?”

The question came from the little girl beside his mystery woman, and despite her initial fear, Killian noticed how bravely this child held her head up and looked him in the eyes. She must have no idea the weight of such a question, but in her mind it was a simply query: Was he good or was he bad? He moved closer to her, ever conscious of the beautiful woman beside her and then bent down to get to her level.

“What’s your name, little one?”

“Cecelia,” she said, her voice only betraying the slightest shakiness.

“Cecelia. That’s a beautiful name,” he said honestly and Cecelia swayed side to side a bit with the compliment. He didn’t know if that was a good sign, but he took it as one since she didn’t flinch from him or step away. “Now as for your question, I certainly try to be good.”

“But you’re a stranger,” the little girl said, looking at him with an expression that spoke volumes. Strangers were clearly a bad thing in this girl’s experience, and his heart felt for her. What must it be like to be so young and have so little trust? But then again he understood on some level – in his life there had never been much trust beyond his family, even when he was very young.

“For now I am. But not forever, I hope.”

“My Emma was a stranger too,” Cecelia said, tugging a bit at the hand of the woman beside her and Killian’s mind mulled over the beautiful name. Emma. It suited her. “She’s a good person. Are you like my, Emma?”

Now Killian rose to full height and he addressed Emma as much as he did Cecelia. “I do like her.” Oh fuck! He hadn’t meant to say that. Shit! “I mean I hope I’m like her, lass. But only time will tell.”

“Miss Emma, does time talk?” Cecelia asked, totally serious, and Killian watched as the intriguing Emma bit her lip to keep from laughing as her eyes caught Killian’s again.

“No, honey. It’s an expression. It means that with a little bit of time you will know if he’s a good person. You just have to be patient.”

Hearing her speak for the first time only completed the spell, and Killian felt a rush of too many things. It was impossible to comprehend what led the way: awe, hope, interest. It all wrapped up so closely together, coalescing in this remarkable woman. The way she was with this little girl spoke volumes to her goodness, but despite his fumbled attempts to impress her, he could also see the tell-tale signs of interest. When she looked at him her cheeks tinted slightly pink, her eyes dilated, and her gaze wandered again, looking beyond his face and back down his person. It took everything in him not to flex. He felt damn good at her appreciating appraisal, and when she looked back up and her blush deepened, he was close to beating his chest. Again, he was saved from an announcement from Marco calling everyone’s attention and asking how they should best welcome Killian to the institute. The kids’ enthusiasm was infectious, and Killian was eager to do anything and everything they offered, but before taking his leave he made sure to offer some parting words to Emma, knowing they would hardly be the last that they shared.

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Emma.”

A pleasure was underselling the impact of their meeting, but it was best not to come on too strong. Instead he turned back to join Marco and the kids, spending the next few hours learning the ins and outs of this place and meeting each child who was here in a flurry of excitement and random facts about their favorite toys or secret hide outs. The estate that housed the institute was large enough to give the kids good space indoors and outdoors, and there were a number of things he realized he could genuinely help with. They had a few building projects that needed set up and extra hands, and it seemed they could use some added help with the activities for older boys. None of them were here today, having all gone on some day trip to the coast, but Marco was convinced that Killian’s presence could be beneficial to them all. To Killian it felt like being shoved in the deep end and being forced to swim, but he always preferred that method in his life, and he found that in just one afternoon there was already a sense of rightness being here.

That sense of right was especially palpable any time Emma Swan crossed his path, which happened over and over again. Her roll here seemed to be general in nature, and she helped out with many different activities and support elements no matter what they were. She appeared totally at ease at every turn, and Killian watched her closely, noticing how dedicated she was to this. She was sharp as could be, with instincts that served her well, but she also was quick to ask questions and clearly wanted to learn. Some might have considered her capability intimidating, especially when he had no real experience to draw from, but he didn’t see it that way. Instead, Killian found her passion invigorating, and felt his own pleasure at being here heightened as she showed him how to fit in and gain some traction with these kids.

“You have a real way with children, love,” he said at one point, when a group of the little ones were hard at work on a new arts and craft project involving paint and beans and tin cartons. Emma’s eyes scanned over the room, taking stock of each child in attendance before she looked back to him and her cheeks flushed again.

“Thank you,” she said, brushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I haven’t been here very long, so we’re still getting to know each other, but I came here to help, and I hope that’s what I’m doing.”

“You’re new to Montenarro then?” Killian asked, watching as Emma helped one of the young boys with the glue he was using, never complaining about the mess he made, just trying to guide him to the purpose of the project.

“Brand new. Like less than three weeks new,” she affirmed before smiling at her little charge and giving the boy all her attention. “That’s brilliant, William.”

“Thanks, Emma!” The boy beamed, adding more to his can that to Killian looked like a lovable, but unknowable mess of dried legumes.

“And what exactly brought you here?” Killian asked, already so damn grateful for whatever the hell it was.

“The center’s fellowship. They offer it every year and people from around the world apply. I was chosen this year,” she said, appearing thoughtful before genuinely smiling. “Sorry, it’s still weird to say that out loud. I never thought that this would happen.”

“You didn’t consider the possibility when you submitted yourself for consideration?”

“I didn’t actually apply. One of my professors nominated me. Then they pulled a bunch of strings to get Henry and I settled.”

“Henry?” he asked, doing the best to shield his expression. Still the mention of another man was like a swift kick to his gut. He looked down to her hands again and saw no ring, but perhaps that didn’t mean anything. He felt sick to his stomach that she might have another man in her life already.

“My son,” she said, looking at him curiously and she was surprised at him. Too late he realized he was grinning like a mad man. “Why do you look so relieved? Most men hear a woman is a single Mom and run for the hills.”

“So you are single?”

“Yes,” she said immediately and then “Wait you thought… That’s why you got that weird look just now. Not because you thought I had a kid.”

“No, love. I think it’s brilliant that you have a son. If he’s anything like his mother, he must truly be something.”

“Thank you,” Emma said, so much quieter than before, and before he could say anything else, the bell sounded for the kids, signaling this craft session was over and that dinner would start in fifteen minutes. “I need to collect all the projects. Would you mind watching the hand washing station? Be warned it can get a bit dicey.”

“Not a problem, Swan,” he said, and he saw the way her eyes widened at the use of her last name. She like it, perhaps more than she wished to let on, and he made mental note of that as he attempted to lead the kids to cleanliness. Emma was right about this job though, it had a definite splash hazard and involved fielding a never-ending litany of questions.

“What was the best part of being in the navy?” one boy asked.

“The men and women I served with. They’re my family now,” Killian said, sparking a longing look among more than a few of the children. “But also the travel. You can see the whole wide world on a ship, and the ocean is never a dull place to be.”

“Do you miss it?” another boy asked and Killian considered.

“I do and I don’t. It’s hard to explain.” The boy nodded like he totally understood, though there was no way he’d shared a similar experience.

“Were there pirates?” one girl asked and Killian considered his answer.

“Some men play at being pirates, but they’re not nearly as intriguing as pirates of old.”

“But pirates are villains,” another girl said.

“What’s a bill-an?” little Cecelia asked, mispronouncing the word, which she had never heard before. Killian helped her up to the sink on the little step stool and got the soap out for her to wash her hands. She was small, but so certain in her actions, it once again made him wonder at her bravery even as a little girl in a less than lovely situation.

“A villain is a bad guy,” the other girl replied and Cecelia looked stricken.

“I don’t like bad guys.”

“I know, little love, but not all pirates are villains. Some used to have honor. They were good men, they just… lived a little differently than the rest of us.”

“You sound awfully knowledgeable about pirates,” Emma said from the front of the room and he shrugged.

“Family legend claims that my great, great, great grandfather was a pirate.” The kids all grew wide eyed, but Killian focused on Cecelia. “But there’s nothing to worry about. There’s no pirate the world over who would ever dare to mess with the likes of you all.”

“We’d make them walk the plank!” one boy yelled, covering his eyes like he had a patch and waving a nearby paper towel roll like a sword.

“Argh!” A few other kids joined in on the action, but Cecelia held back.

“I bet you’d make a great pirate, lass.”

“Really?” She asked, looking around at the others. “But how does I be one?”

Taking a last look at Emma, and knowing he was about to venture into something embarrassing, he did his best to emulate a pirate. The words and the actions were exaggerated and over the top, but he was rewarded with lots of laughter from the little ones and a full smile from Cecelia. At one point they were all playing together and Cecelia came up and poked him at the side and tried her best at a pirate greeting.

“Hi hi, matey!”

Killian and Emma laughed at that and Killian patted her gently on the shoulder. “Just as I thought. You’re a natural.”

At that moment another woman he’d met this afternoon, a counselor named Elsa, appeared at the door. She could have been aghast at the display in front of them all, with the water on the floor and the kids acting like swashbuckling sea dogs, but instead she just laughed. “Oh my goodness. I came looking for my friends and I found all these pirates instead. But how will my friends have dinner if I can’t find them?”

“It’s us, Miss Elsa,” Cecelia said happily. “We is just pretending.”

“Oh thank goodness. Well let’s get a move on. Cook made us a wonderful supper. Wouldn’t want to miss it.”

The kids all hurried out, but not before they said goodbye to Emma and Killian. It was a rush watching them all go, and he felt a lightness in his heart that hadn’t been there for ages. But the moment he realized he was alone with Emma he grew even more excited. Finally they had some privacy, and Killian had no intention of squandering it.

“Has anyone ever told you that you cause quite a stir?” Emma asked. “The whole place has been buzzing about you all day.” 

Instinctively he assumed she must be alluding to his being a prince, and his heart sank. In all this time he’d felt so normal, but there was reality come to call again. “The excitement surrounding my arrival is highly overblown. I assure you I’m not quite so remarkable.”

“Well the kids certainly think so. Who knew being a Captain in the navy was so impressive? And were you serious about the pirate granddad, or was that just for effect?”

Killian listened to the light laughter that slipped past her lips and he marveled at the sound and at this new realization. It dawned on him that she actually didn’t realize who he was. She must not, right? If she was assuming their excitement came from his military career and his family’s strange potential origins, she might not realize he was a prince. It made sense in a way. She hadn’t been in Montennaro very long, and she’d never had any kind of awkwardness in addressing him today, but he assumed the whole staff would have been told the truth. At the same moment he was trying to figure things out in his mind, Emma reflected on what she’d said a second before. She suddenly appeared stricken and began back peddling.

“Not that you’re unimpressive. I mean it is amazing what you did, you know, serving your country and whatever. You’ve probably seen and done so much, and I didn’t mean to make light of that. I just meant -,”

Hating to see her worry about what was a truly benign comment, Killian reached out to take Emma’s hand. The feel of her hand in his immediately prompted a response and the electricity between them was unparalleled. He’d never experienced a spark like that before, certainly not from a simple touch, and he could read in Emma’s eyes that she felt the same way. When he spoke his voice was quiet and gruff, filled with the emotion of this intimate moment.

“There’s no need to explain, love. And as for being impressive, there’s more than enough of that to go around.” His thumb ran over her smooth skin and he reveled in the small gasp she let out, probably without realizing it. It set him aflame to know she too was affected, and as he met her gaze again, he swore he saw his future written in their dreamy jade-colored depths. “You’re really something, love.”

“So are you,” she whispered, moving a fraction of an inch closer to him as she said it. He was so damn tempted to capitalize on that, and to seize this moment for all its glory and promise. He longed to kiss her, to taste her, to feel her in his arms where his heart felt she belonged. It was madness and bliss, but before he could do anything her phone began to chime, a recognizable alert that must be an alarm.

“Shoot, that’s my alarm for Henry. I have to pick him up from camp. I can’t be late.”

Despite his disappointment, Killian knew that for Emma her son should and would always be the priority. He respected and admired that, and he gave her hand a gentle squeeze before letting go.

“May I walk you out, Swan?”

“I -,” she sounded like she was going to protest, but then he watched her change her decision in her own mind to one that he vastly preferred. “I’d like that, actually.”

Though they didn’t move hand in hand, they kept a close distance to each other, and Killian felt a rush at still being with her but dread that they both had to go and take leave of one another. He knew she was working tomorrow, and he was dead set on being here all the hours that he could when she was around, but it was hard to picture leaving her. In just a few hours she’d come to mean something to him, and the thought of saying goodbye didn’t sit well in his chest.

“So what’s with the bodyguards?” Emma asked, pulling him from his internal reverie as she motioned outside to Gus. The others had left during the day, the caravan of cars he arrived in now only have one car physically on the premises, but he’d forgotten about all of them entirely. Killian tried his best not to react, and keep his face controlled. He had no wish to lie to her, but call him crazy, he enjoyed just feeling like an ordinary man for once in his life.

“His presence brings my family peace of mind.”

“Sounds a little extreme,” Emma said but she considered. “There’s nothing to worry about, right? For the kids I mean.”

Despite her caveat of it being for the kids, Killian felt she was a bit worried for him too. At least he hoped that was the case. If it was, maybe it meant she felt as much for him as he already did for her. “No, nothing. It’s just a precaution, and after all my years away from home, I’d like to give them whatever reassurance I can that I’m well and good.”

“That makes sense actually,” Emma admitted, thinking on it. “Before I had Henry I would have thought that was crazy, but now. Well, love can make you do crazy things.”

“It can indeed, Swan,” Killian said regretful that they’d already made it to the front gate and that this would have to be farewell, at least for now. “So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be here,” Emma agreed, looking back at the building with a look of contentment before gazing back at him once more. “See you later, Killian.”

With that, Killian watched as Emma walked away, heading towards her son and their life here somewhere in the walls of the city. He did catch the moment where she looked back at him though, and it filled him with hope as nothing else ever had. It was only a second, and before long she’d slipped out of sight, but she never really left him. For the rest of the evening Emma was with him, in spirit if not for real, and Killian knew in his heart that meeting Emma had changed him, and that someday, somehow, he’d find a way to be with her, no matter what it took.

Post-Note: So… what did you guys think? I hope that you all enjoyed getting to see Killian’s POV on the first meeting. I know that I personally loved the fluff of this chapter, and I worked hard to make it authentic to the story and to CS as a whole. As with most of my stories, this is an insta-love, fluff-for-days kind of vibe, but there is a bit of intrigue. Like when will Emma learn Killian’s a prince? And will they be able to get together when that truth is revealed? It’s me writing it, so you guys can probably guess how things might turn out, but I can’t wait to share how this story will go and to keep writing this fic that’s been in my head and my heart for some time. As always I thank all of you so much for your support and kind words. They mean the world to me and I cherish every comment and message and review. So thank you, thank you, my friends! Now please, stay safe, be well, and have a great rest of your day!

Jac & Amelia

Jac: [So the vibe is evidently just showing up at the pre-drinks at this gfs house, we'll have to be some level of wasted to have the nerve so from the off it's a mood lol] Amelia: [a select gathering of the gays that you weren't invited too, but it's okay because Amelia can't throw you out when everyone else is like yeah come through] Jac: [literally you'd have to make such a drama and that's not you and also no one knows why you stopped being besties so it clearly appears chill from the outside, I vote the club should be a gay one so you have to commit to that hen] Amelia: [agreed because clearly her gf has planned this because Amelia's plan was to go and get that haircut and outfit with her mum so] Jac: [too pure for this bitch, we all know this is just an excuse for her to party like any other night really, which is rude, do something special but no, at least you're simply that hoe so it's not like we even have to work hard here, the flirting is blatant] Amelia: [it hurts my heart because you know Jamelia would have gone IN for each other's birthdays] Jac: [and her last one was start of transition year so they would've still been friends, AND it was her 16th so it would've been really poppin'] Amelia: [brb sobbing] Jac: [thank god jac is also miserable and only pretending to be living her best life or this would be even ruder] Amelia: [and thank god Amelia isn't in love with this gal] Jac: [and that lmao] Jac: [to me it should be like they just straight up make out on the dance floor 'cos her girlfriend is the 'its not a big deal omg!' type but even if it weren't, it is because it's Jac] Amelia: [hence when Amelia loses it it's Jac she's shouting at and being like how could you do this to me etc not her gf] Jac: [mhmm mHM we all know she's barely speaking at this point so she's not gonna say anything and your gf will be going off 'cos she looks the gobby type so you can slap her if you need babe lol] Amelia: [she so is the gobby type, Amelia just straight up dismissing her because this isn't about you babe I gotta scream at Jac rn thank you] Jac: [meanwhile we're just trying to walk away like the audacity] Amelia: [literally like SAY SOMETHING! because is there anything more frustrating than when someone won't react and you're literally 💔] Jac: [there is not, just shouting 'I'M SORRY' ala Tracy because we do not sound sorry at all but she is never a loud person so everyone else is gonna be shook like damn] Amelia: [your aunt Cass would be proud of that, but Amelia just gonna walk away] Jac: [good lord go home gal, or at least a different club lol, also like to point out she has a September birthday so also would've been after Savannah left so that would've been cheery lol] Amelia: [nice parallel because we know Amelia's walking home but fuck knows how far it would be, we're not at Erin's house now hens] Jac: [I'm sure you don't live right in town, your fam seems a suburb type so that'll be a nice trek, you poor bitch] Amelia: [just sobbing the whole time probably, even though she's not a crier like Savannah is] Jac: [you'd have to have a cry, if Jac hadn't gone catatonic as a defence mechanism, she would be too] Amelia: [which is why we're not getting our parents to pick us up because don't wanna be sobbing to this degree in front of them and her mum already hates the gf so we don't want the I told you so either] Amelia: [plus her mum probably thinks she's over Jac by now because we downplaying things forever] Jac: [parents can only be so much of a MVP at this age] Amelia: [I think when they see each other again it should be another argument that turns into Amelia kissing her because that's a trope for a reason] Jac: [yes, you are both owed it without the audience tbh] Amelia: [like I have no idea where they are when that happens, are you gonna show up on her doorstep to have another argument or what gal lol] Jac: [maybe you had somewhere you went together, idk where or what vibe, so you know she's gonna be there, even if it's just a different club and you're outside angsting] Amelia: [ooh excellent, yeah there's any number of places that could be 'theirs' you've known each other long enough] Jac: [precisely, it can be as everyday and unspecial or the opposite as we'd like, Dublin centre is not that big it's not insane to suggest] Amelia: [when do you think that is, clearly pretty soon after because the emotions have gotta be high] Jac: [yeah, sooner rather than later, like we did this for a reason and like you said, it's too frustrating when someone won't react to you] Amelia: [literally could be the next day/night I'd believe it] Jac: [i literally thought you meant the same night so yes i agree lol] Amelia: [omg that's even better tbh] Jac: like you turn round like AND ANOTHER THING, tensions are beyond that high] Amelia: [exactly] Jac: [at least Amelia is angry enough to break it off 'cos the levels of fucks you don't give rn about anything] Amelia: [yeah she's angry and sad enough to be like ffs what am I doing and actually go home] Jac: [thanks babe, we all know it happens but don't need it to literally look like 2nd choice to your hoe gf 'cos it ain't that] Amelia: [how am I gonna start a convo from here because I clearly am lol] Jac: [thank god you both drunk, I can do it if you want] Amelia: [go ahead if you think you can boo] Jac: you home safe Amelia: no, I'm dead in a ditch Jac: great Amelia: it'll make life easier for you, yeah Jac: my life couldn't be any rosier Amelia: 🥀🥀🥀 Jac: glad to see your flare for the dramatic ain't died in that ditch with you Jac: flair, which one Jac: idk Amelia: you took that over from me, remember Amelia: you really fucking did Jac: aren't you impressed Amelia: if you'd got there earlier you could've pushed me out of the way to blow the candles out on the cake my mum bought too Jac: you don't wanna be kids no more? Jac: could've said sooner Amelia: she's not a doll, she just wants to look like one Jac: who? Amelia: the girlfriend you wanted to share so badly Jac: oh her Jac: bride of chucky maybe Amelia: you did scare everyone with your apology Amelia: very exorcist-ish Jac: I was going for Carrie Jac: oh well Jac: still a better match than you two ain't it Amelia: oh you were trying to win a prom queen sash with acts of charity Amelia: I get it Jac: shouldn't you be throwing all this shade at her Amelia: wait, I'll add her in Jac: ha Jac: go ahead Amelia: she won't accept, sorry Amelia: I did try Jac: devastating Amelia: are you home safe? Jac: yeah Amelia: you do have the 👿👹👺👻 inside protecting you, I guess Jac: its always got a home inside me Amelia: well yeah, you don't ever kiss anyone long enough for it to transfer hosts Jac: you'll wanna get rid of the girlfriend then Jac: before you get infected Amelia: you already did that for me, such a good 🥳🎂🎁 Jac: couldn't think what else to get ya Amelia: 💐? Amelia: no? Jac: thought she might have beat me to it Jac: made a bit of an effort Amelia: she wanted me, that's all I needed Jac: past tense Jac: and that's definitely not the first time she's done that Amelia: what do you care? Jac: you think this is how i'd show it if I did Amelia: I try not to think about you anymore Jac: there's no need to make yourself sound stupid in the process Amelia: not when you're there to make me look it Jac: you'll get another girlfriend Amelia: because that's what is ripping my heart out about this Jac: that's your problem Amelia: stay the fuck away from me Amelia: if you'd done that I wouldn't have a problem Jac: I plan on it Jac: done what I needed to do Amelia: great Jac: enjoy what's left of your big day then Jac: have some 🎂 Amelia: you've made sure I can't Amelia: where's Savannah Moore with a 👏 emoji when you need her? Jac: Sligo Jac: last I heard Amelia: those poor country lads Jac: you've never cared about any lad a day in your life Jac: you can just admit you miss her Amelia: 😂 Jac: hilarious Amelia: not really Amelia: but I physically can't cry any more, I must be dehydrated Jac: unsurprising Jac: me either Amelia: 🍾🥂 Amelia: have a nice life then Amelia: probably leave tonight out of your achievements during the uni interviews Jac: nah Jac: diversity and adversity is all the rage Amelia: that's why I'll be mentioning it Jac: you're welcome x2 Amelia: 🙌 Jac: you sure she don't wanna join Jac: 'cos she's annoying me Amelia: I don't care what she wants or feel sorry for you Jac: yeah Jac: then tell her that Jac: not relaying your message Amelia: I have Jac: she's a liar too, makes sense Amelia: you're well suited Jac: besides the obvious Amelia: that you've done what you needed to do, yeah Amelia: tell her that Jac: I have Jac: not my fault she's so thick she only understands actions Amelia: if she's been messaging you since the 💋 you'll have had time to tell her everything I didn't Amelia: even if it has to be via charades Jac: the fact I didn't fuck her is all the information she's getting from me Amelia: the dancefloor's a bit public even for her Amelia: but maybe she'll be willing to break the rules for you, that's what people do Jac: let's not pretend it was about her Jac: only room for one delusional person in a relationship, don't you know? Amelia: you're ready for that, are you? Amelia: I don't know anything about relationships as it turns out Jac: first cut is the deepest Amelia: if you're going to sing, it's meant to be Happy Birthday Jac: yeah, you wish Amelia: I only got the one and I've already used it Jac: don't tell or it won't come true Amelia: I don't remember it now anyway Jac: bullshit Amelia: if it was 💇🏻 related it definitely didn't come true Jac: you didn't get a fringe Amelia: I still hate it Jac: it's not why you got cheated on Amelia: thanks, that makes me feel loads better about 👧🏻 Amelia: can you just take the posts down please Jac: I dunno Amelia: Jac Jac: fuck sake Jac: one thing Amelia: just do it Jac: then that's it Jac: there's your present, I don't owe you nothing Amelia: no, then that's it because I don't want anything to do with you Amelia: it doesn't make us even Jac: I don't give a shit about being even with you Jac: I win Jac: end of Amelia: it's not a fucking game Jac: you're the only one not playing Amelia: so leave me out of it Jac: that's another favour Jac: pick one Amelia: fuck you Jac: i'm keeping the pictures up then Amelia: enjoy your win Jac: naturally Amelia: 👏👏👏 Jac: you aren't her Amelia: you aren't you Amelia: it still doesn't make us even Jac: maybe you never knew me Jac: we weren't friends, after-all Amelia: there's no maybe about it, if we were ever friends you wouldn't treat me like this Jac: nothing is as simple as you'd like it to be Jac: but sure Amelia: you really hurt me again, it's that simple Amelia: and this time it was deliberate Jac: and you don't hurt the people you love Jac: grow up, Amelia Amelia: not like that Jac: that's easier for you Amelia: what about ANY of this is easy for me? Amelia: you told me to try, I did Amelia: now what? Jac: it isn't my responsibility to worry about that Jac: you figure it out Amelia: I had it figured out and you tore it down Amelia: take some fucking responsibility for that Jac: what, with your shit girlfriend who doesn't give a fuck about you Jac: that was wrecked before I got there Jac: deal with that Amelia: you wrecked me before she got there Amelia: I still think about you all the time, miss you all the time Amelia: and I do have to deal with that, all the time Jac: and I've got nothing to deal with Amelia: of course you do Amelia: happy people don't gatecrash and ruin other people's birthdays Jac: then you'll forgive me for not feeling sorry for you Amelia: I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I want you to be sorry for what you just did Jac: you want a lot Amelia: not this time Amelia: it's bare minimum Jac: I'm happy to disappoint and leave you wanting Amelia: then you win again Amelia: congratulations Jac: yipee Amelia: Don't contact me again unless you're got something to say that means something Jac: fine Amelia: you sound faker than Savannah could ever Amelia: it'd be impressive if it worked Jac: have I contacted you before now? Amelia: that doesn't matter because today you did Jac: today I ruined your relationship and birthday Jac: then I asked if you got home Amelia: yeah, and that all means something Jac: it means I wanted to fuck up your life Amelia: at least that wish came true Jac: there's always shooting stars and eyelashes when there isn't candles Amelia: there isn't a quick fix for this Jac: there's no fix Jac: there's only out and it's still 2 fucking years away Amelia: you were supposed to give me time, that's supposed to be one Jac: well I didn't feel like it today Amelia: clearly Jac: get over it Amelia: I'm not even through it, it literally just happened Jac: I'm not apologising, I can't be any clearer Amelia: then don't Amelia: I didn't know how to beg you when we were friends, I can't do it with this version of you Jac: Done? Amelia: I was done before I actually got home Jac: Well I've not gone home Jac: so we both lied there then Amelia: Where have you gone? Jac: what's it to you? Amelia: I don't want what happened to Is to happen to you, or worse Amelia: I care about you Jac: it won't Amelia: I'm calling your parents Jac: maybe I've told them you're obsessed with me already Amelia: maybe but it's still ringing Amelia: they can decide what they want to do Jac: you're such a snitch Amelia: because I really care what you think of me right now Jac: nah, just hope it makes you feel good about yourself worrying my parents for nothing Amelia: I don't feel good about myself because of you Amelia: your parents are irrelevant to me Jac: we've got that in common then Amelia: they're probably going to want to talk to you and I don't so goodnight Jac: Bold of you to think I'd answer Jac: but it is a reason to turn my phone off so yeah Jac: later Amelia: you're really 😎 we get it Jac: that's what I'm doing Jac: you're so smart Amelia: it's why you want to keep the pics up Amelia: like a 🏆 Jac: i wanna keep em up so you have to see them Amelia: I don't have to see them, I've already blocked you both Jac: 😂 Amelia: What's funny? Jac: 🤡😥 would've been more applicable, perhaps Amelia: probably Jac: you can pal up with Is again, she's up for it Amelia: yeah because I really want to drag her into whatever 🎪 you've started up between us Jac: you're so considerate Amelia: something really fucked up happened to her, you were there, don't act like you don't remember Jac: and you weren't there Amelia: I know that Jac: then you don't get to say shit to me about it Amelia: I'm not, I'm saying this isn't about Is Jac: when is it ever Jac: poor girl Amelia: stop it Jac: you walked out on her Jac: she didn't have enough daddy issues? Amelia: I walked out on you Jac: same difference Amelia: you said you'd let me Jac: and I did Amelia: until now Jac: you're only 17 once Jac: it's not going to happen again Amelia: it shouldn't have happened at all Jac: should woulda coulda Amelia: promise me that this is it Jac: I don't fancy your girlfriend Jac: kissing her was bad enough Amelia: I mean, promise me that I don't have to look over my shoulder for the next 2 years in case you decide that you want to ruin my life again Amelia: because I can't Jac: Amelia Amelia: I'm serious, I'll leave school before I let you do this to me for a third time Jac: I'm not in a position to be making promises about anything, to anyone Jac: I'll try Amelia: okay Jac: just Jac: I don't know Jac: never mind Amelia: you're scaring me, you know Amelia: I should've made you promise not to do any reckless shit back then instead of the other way round Jac: everyone's scared Jac: they say it like I can change it Amelia: I thought I was doing the right thing but everything just keeps getting worse Amelia: for me, you and Is Amelia: even for Savannah, Sligo for fuck's sake Jac: even if you'd done it different Jac: I'd still have done the same Jac: it still would've all happened Amelia: what are you going to do now? Jac: nothing matters now Amelia: you matter Amelia: to me Amelia: come to my 🏠 I'll call your parents back Jac: we're not doing this again Jac: no Jac: it's bad enough i have people in my life i can't get rid of Amelia: we're not doing anything Jac: stop caring about me Amelia: I can't Jac: how much more do I have to ruin your life Amelia: you have ruined it, that doesn't mean I want you to be dead in a ditch Jac: all I'm going to do is break your heart over and over and then I'm going to leave forever Amelia: tonight it's already broken and that's all I'm talking about Amelia: take the guest bedroom Jac: no Jac: because then my family will just think we're friends again and that I'm fine Jac: I'll go home, okay, just stop Amelia: if you stop lying, I'll stop this Jac: I'll send you proof, for fuck's sake Amelia: okay Jac: fine Amelia: [we're just waiting for that pic like] Jac: [however long this is gonna take, at least you're probably a bit more central, the most begrudging pic of the front door lmao] Amelia: no, put your outfit in it so I know it wasn't stored on your phone Jac: 'cos I just have pictures of my door Jac: [but does, some weird angle to not get your face in] Jac: haven't got a newspaper, so sorry Amelia: if you hadn't stopped the party early, they might have been delivered Jac: it was a crap party anyway Jac: she hadn't even booked a table Amelia: Yeah Jac: at least you can have a better girlfriend for your 18th Amelia: can I? Are you going to let me Jac: probably not Jac: but if she's less easy to ruin then there's nothing I can do about that Amelia: you'd have to try something else, that's all Jac: obviously Jac: I'm still smart Amelia: I'm not giving you a compliment Jac: I'm not saying I'm not going to ruin your chances at happiness Amelia: it's not like I need you to Amelia: SO capable on my own Jac: it's not taking credit if you're making excuses for me Jac: but alright Amelia: I'm talking about the 💇🏻 which you can't take credit for Jac: it suits you Amelia: that is the most hurtful thing you've ever said Amelia: take it back Jac: it's also true Jac: and you wanted me to stop lying Amelia: 😒 Jac: at least you don't look like every other girl now Amelia: you think I did before? Amelia: also that's because no other girl wants to look like 👧🏻 Jac: I mean everyone has the same hair Jac: you stand out more Amelia: you don't Jac: well I'm special, obviously Amelia: I know Jac: 🙄 Amelia: 😉 Jac: you're an idiot Jac: Jude better be at a sleepover Amelia: her hair stands out Jac: you should tell her that Jac: she'll be so glad her attention-seeking doesn't go unnoticed Amelia: she think I'm flirting with her so no Jac: oh yeah Jac: you're a predatory lesbian now Amelia: I kissed you Jac: after I kissed your girlfriend Amelia: you don't fancy her Amelia: that wasn't why you did it Jac: she fancies herself enough Amelia: So does Savannah, that wasn't a problem for you Jac: don't talk about her Amelia: sure, I wouldn't want to upset you Amelia: what's the point being 💔 if you're not the saddest Jac: she's gone, there's no point talking about her Amelia: my parents know hers, she's not gone from dinner table conversation at my 🏠 Jac: sucks for you then Amelia: sucks more for her that she's been sent to catholic school Jac: Catholic school? Amelia: yeah, her dad had that brainwave Jac: that is unfortunate Jac: probably a better school than ours though, so she'll be thrilled Amelia: it's my dad's favourite joke threat now Jac: at least you could avoid me Amelia: true, I should call his bluff and take him up on it next time Jac: go for it Jac: it's only me that has to write off this shit school on her uni app Amelia: the rest of your app will more than make up for it Jac: that's the plan Amelia: exactly, so it's not technically a compliment Jac: you're shit at this Amelia: thanks Jac: no, that really wasn't a compliment Jac: not one of your not technicallys Amelia: 😏 Jac: did you get a car Jac: I bet you got a car Amelia: [a picture of it because why not say she did] Jac: just got to pass now Jac: then you can go where you like Amelia: then I can runaway Jac: nah Jac: they'd take you off their insurance and you'd be fucked Amelia: because I'd never drive without insurance Jac: the police would be frantically looking for you as is Jac: that's always how murderers get caught out Amelia: 🤫 you're ruining this too Jac: you fantasize on your own time Amelia: this is my own time, you're home safe Amelia: I don't owe you my full attention now that your 👅 isn't in my ex girlfriend's mouth Jac: have you kissed anyone else Amelia: no Jac: do you regret it being her Amelia: it wasn't you, that's what I regret Amelia: but it couldn't be so Jac: yeah Jac: at least it was a girl Amelia: I'm not stupid enough to kiss any boys Jac: some just call it heterosexual Amelia: and I'm not so it'd be stupid for me Jac: alright Amelia: but I should probably kiss more girls Jac: why should you Amelia: because she'll think all the wrong things if I don't Jac: true Jac: I thought you didn't care about what people thought though Amelia: I'm going to have to find new friends from somewhere Jac: don't you gays stick together Amelia: she sticks with them and I don't want to see her Jac: you move fast Amelia: I don't really have a choice, do I? Jac: I don't need friends Amelia: handy since you don't have any Jac: that's why I don't Amelia: yeah, because you only care about what you need Jac: duh Amelia: did you ever care about me? Jac: don't be stupid Amelia: did you ever care about me when it wasn't because you needed something? Jac: what kind of question is that Amelia: one I need the answer to Jac: we were friends forever Jac: what did I get from it half the time Jac: no more than you did or didn't Amelia: okay Jac: that was a dick move making me answer that when you already knew Amelia: I didn't know Amelia: whenever I talk to you I end up with more questions than answers Amelia: and end up questioning my sanity Jac: you don't need to Jac: your work here is done Amelia: you can't tell me what to do when you don't even do what you said you were going to Jac: so you're going to continue to make a bad decision, just to be awkward Jac: that's smart Amelia: because you have such good reasons for doing what you did earlier Jac: 'course I do Amelia: go on then Amelia: tell me them Jac: already did Jac: I wanted to fuck it up for you Jac: felt great Amelia: there's smarter ways to feel good, and easier Jac: I've tried those Amelia: oh well I loved being your little experiment, thanks Jac: whatever Jac: it needed to be done Amelia: no it didn't Amelia: you keep saying that Jac: you don't get it Amelia: I don't buy into your fake bullshit, no, and that's all you've given me all night Jac: what's fucking fake about the fact I can't stand to have anyone around me happy? Jac: there's nothing fake about misery being the only thing I can stomach now Amelia: you didn't break up your parents or ruin your brother's music career, you sought me out when I haven't even been around you Amelia: you're full of shit Jac: trust me, I'm doing my best Jac: and you're full of shit if you're now trying to say you don't see me every day Jac: and that it isn't the fucking worst Amelia: I thought it was, until you did this Amelia: now I can say today was the worst Amelia: you're so fucking selfish and cruel Jac: nothing has changed Jac: I sped up your inevitable break-up, that's it Amelia: no, you went out of your way to hurt and humiliate me Amelia: everything has changed Jac: if you say so Jac: it wasn't the first time for me Amelia: who are you? Jac: it doesn't matter Amelia: who the fuck are you? Jac: I don't know, Amelia Jac: alright Amelia: you can't treat people like this Jac: then tell everyone what I did Jac: I don't care Jac: you could've done something about it Amelia: what did you want me to do? Jac: I thought you might put up more of a fight Amelia: for what? Against what? Jac: because I humiliated you Amelia: it wasn't the first time for me either Jac: never like that Amelia: I'm not going to fight you Jac: your loss Amelia: I keep telling you, I care about you, I don't want to hurt you Jac: I wish you'd stop Amelia: I wish I could Jac: yeah Jac: well Amelia: it's my loss, like you said Jac: don't worry, I've got my own Amelia: that makes me feel loads better Jac: it should Amelia: it doesn't Jac: you're infuriating Amelia: says you Amelia: I'm so angry at you Jac: because I wanted you to be Jac: that's the correct response Amelia: no, because I love you too much to hate you Amelia: because it won't go away Amelia: and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my fucking life no matter what you do Jac: I don't have the answer Jac: If I could make you stop then I would Jac: but I don't know how Amelia: me either Jac: there's nothing I can do if you don't hate me by now Jac: I dropped you for Savannah Jac: I did everything I did tonight Amelia: I was there, I don't need you to recap Jac: I couldn't have made it easier Amelia: there's something wrong with me, there must be Jac: not as bad as me Amelia: my mum said at the time that I fell in love with you years ago and I can't expect to fall out of it in a few weeks or months Jac: logic adds up Amelia: she thinks I'm over it now so clearly not Jac: you probably said you were Jac: or near enough Amelia: the girlfriend thing kind of said it for me Jac: yeah well Jac: I've had loads of boyfriends Amelia: you're not in love with me Jac: I meant it doesn't mean anything, necessarily Amelia: yeah Amelia: my mum is more old fashioned though Amelia: romantic or whatever Jac: more romantic than your girlfriend, yeah Amelia: 🙄 Jac: she wasn't good enough for you anyway Amelia: I'm not good enough for anyone Amelia: I'm literally still in love with someone else who isn't them Jac: it isn't that simple Jac: you can feel things for more than one person Jac: you just, didn't for her and she wasn't worth it Amelia: maybe other people can but I don't Jac: how would you know Jac: it just hasn't happened yet Amelia: I'm too self aware if anything Jac: that's some lesbian nonsense Amelia: I'll put it in my bio then Jac: tinder Amelia: I'm not kissing that many girls, she'll definitely think all the wrong things Jac: be kicking herself, like Jac: or is it only okay when she does it Amelia: probably Jac: just like a lad Amelia: 😣 Jac: awh Amelia: I can't be bothered Jac: with girls? Amelia: I'm not trying anymore, you didn't keep your promises anyway Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: it means I don't care, my life can stay the mess you wanted it to be Jac: alright Jac: not like I can turn around and say 'no don't' now Amelia: and if you turn around you won't see me Jac: what? Amelia: school, I'm not doing it either Jac: shut up Amelia: online maybe so my dad doesn't rage Jac: that's bullshit Amelia: so is this Jac: no, fuck you Amelia: 😂 Jac: so you all get to fucking leave and I'm the one stuck dealing Jac: nah Amelia: I've got nothing to stay for Jac: it's school, no one does Jac: jesus Amelia: you said yourself it sucks having to see me every day Amelia: I'm doing you a favour Jac: you are ridiculous Jac: you think you can just run away like this is some shit indie song Amelia: I've tried the alternative Amelia: it didn't go great Jac: you think Savannah is bad? at least her parents made her go Jac: you're such a spoilt brat Amelia: I don't think about Savannah Jac: you don't think about anything Jac: christ Amelia: your audacity is another level Jac: your stupidity is worse Amelia: yeah, I've proved that loads of times over Jac: fucking hell Jac: your life is so hard, Meelie, yeah Jac: everyone thinks its my fault, what happened to Is Jac: and the more she says otherwise, the more it sounds like it was Amelia: no they don't, I don't Jac: well you love me so you're clearly insane and a bit biased Amelia: even if I hated you I'd still know that you weren't the one who assaulted her Amelia: it's his fault, nobody else's Jac: me and Sav still ran like we had something to hide Jac: that's all anyone cares about, working out what Amelia: you were scared, in shock probably Amelia: you felt like it was your fault Amelia: that doesn't mean it was Jac: all I know is she's fucked off, no one will say anything to Is, so it's all down to me, whatever people wanna say or think about it Jac: so yeah, sorry I think your idea is fucking laughable but been there, done that Jac: didn't solve anything, it only made the rest worse Amelia: I know it's a stupid idea, alright Jac: you can't go, alright, you just can't Amelia: you know I'll fight the whole school before I'd ever fight you Amelia: I'll do it for you too, if that will help Jac: Yeah, I do Jac: nothing will help but Jac: at least you're still here Jac: nothing else is the same Amelia: I'll be in detention every day for the next 2 years if that's what it takes to shut people up Jac: I don't deserve it Jac: or anything but hate from you, and I do fucking know that Amelia: you don't deserve to get the blame for being there and being her friend Amelia: I should've been too Amelia: and after it happened we should've talked Jac: maybe it's just karma Jac: I've never been a good friend to her and by the time it happened Jac: well Jac: I made you leave Amelia: I ruined our friend so I had to leave Amelia: *ship Amelia: that's not your fault either Jac: maybe it is Amelia: it's not Amelia: I shouldn't have told you how I felt Amelia: or been jealous of Savannah Amelia: or made such a big deal about the date you went on Jac: no Jac: I get it Jac: you weren't wrong Amelia: I did the wrong thing by leaving you and Is Jac: I couldn't wish the alternative on you Jac: having to stick around and watch Amelia: I still had to watch Amelia: I couldn't go that far Jac: I know it's my fault because it happened again Amelia: what? Jac: Savannah Jac: I kissed her Amelia: I don't understand Jac: you should have been jealous of her Jac: I mean Jac: you know what I mean Amelia: you mean you felt something for her Jac: I didn't want to feel any of it Jac: but she was straight and you weren't so having her around was meant to be easier Amelia: why didn't you just tell me? Amelia: you lied and lied and made me feel crazy Jac: because I feel crazy Jac: I fucking am Jac: I just Jac: it's not like I left that conversation and told her Jac: I kept on and got with lads and pretended to like it, tried to Amelia: everything you said, everything you did Amelia: oh my god Amelia: I can't Amelia: I can't take this in Jac: like I said, it's fucking karma Jac: I fucked it with you and it happened to me Amelia: I'm supposed to feel what, that she queerbaited you? Happy? validated? Jac: I don't know Jac: probably Amelia: did you know how you felt about her when I told you how I felt? Jac: why? Amelia: because you told me over and over again that you liked boys and you'd change that if you could Jac: yes, and I told her the same thing Jac: and I acted accordingly Amelia: I've spent so long feeling horrible for putting you in that position and none of it was real Jac: it was real Jac: I don't want to be Jac: I want to be straight Amelia: it isn't a choice Amelia: and you can't just twist everything to make it one Jac: acting or not acting on it is Amelia: so why did you choose to act on it by kissing her, if that's what you think? Jac: it was a mistake Jac: when we left Jac: after Is Jac: and it was just us Jac: then it destroyed everything and she's literally run away Amelia: and then you destroyed what was left after she'd gone Jac: yes Amelia: great Jac: I'm aware Amelia: are you? Amelia: for years I thought things were one way only to be told they weren't and now you're telling me an entirely different story again Amelia: 🤯 Jac: because we don't live in the ideal world where I accept myself for liking girls and I choose the right one and we live happily ever after Jac: we live in the world where I kissed Savannah and she looked at me like I was the boy who assaulted Isabelle Jac: and that's how I feel about it, and I would rather pretend to be straight forever, and have no real friends again, than have to do that, and feel that disgust again Amelia: we live in a world that doesn't revolve around Savannah fucking Moore Amelia: because she doesn't accept you, you can't accept yourself? No Jac: it's not her fault Jac: the rules don't make no fucking sense Jac: do you know how often she told me she loved me, how beautiful I was, and smart and perfect and kind, that she wanted me in her life forever? Jac: but that doesn't mean she wants to kiss me Amelia: that's why it literally is her fault Amelia: she flirted with you more than I EVER have, or would dare to openly do because I would get called a predatory lesbian and she gets likes and follows Jac: but she meant it Jac: I know she did Jac: that's just friendship to her Jac: it's too confusing Amelia: you want her to have meant it the same way you did, like I wanted you to with me Jac: but I did Jac: I lied Jac: so I know it doesn't make a difference now Jac: but still, you weren't wrong and I did, I am, whatever Jac: it was shitty to lie, I know, I accept it Jac: but she meant it all but she is straight...how does that work Amelia: I don't know Amelia: straight people are weird Jac: I don't want to find that relatable Jac: I want to be normal Amelia: I'm not abnormal, shut up Jac: fine, straight Jac: I don't want to ever have to think about this ever again Amelia: why do you want it so bad? Jac: so I don't feel like this Jac: the not knowing Jac: how much it hurts Jac: boys are easy, I told you Amelia: because you don't like them Amelia: if you were straight you'd get hurt just the same Amelia: you said it, Valentina's no different than a lad Jac: lads just like me Jac: I've never kissed any lad and had them recoil Amelia: they liked me too, it doesn't mean I had to like them back Jac: I mean it's not the same Jac: if a lad didn't like me, he'd have reasons Amelia: loads of girls like you too, I was friends with them for a bit, I heard all that gossip Amelia: Savannah's reason is that she doesn't like girls, any of them Jac: but she loves me Jac: more than she ever did Ty, I fucking know it Amelia: not like that, like Is loved us Jac: I can't stand it Amelia: I know Jac: you know I am sorry Jac: don't you Amelia: yeah Jac: you just had come so far and had done so much work Jac: it wasn't fair Jac: what I did wasn't, but it wouldn't have been to act on it, when I wanted so badly to be straight, for everything I did tell you to be true Amelia: no, I was in exactly the same place that we left each other in Amelia: you're not the only one who can lie Jac: I'm just so sorry but that's worth fuck all Jac: I hate how stupid all of it seems now Jac: redundant Jac: but that's close to a fair punishment, I suppose Amelia: you've already been punished Amelia: and sorry always means something when it's a real one Jac: I feel Jac: I don't Jac: I'm broken Jac: I don't even want to be a person now Amelia: I don't want to find that relatable Amelia: but it is Jac: fuck's sake Jac: see, why would I choose this? Jac: even if they're weird, this never happens to straight people Amelia: of course it does Amelia: Savannah's parents are fucked Jac: just because they don't love each other no more Jac: when they got together, I'm sure they both knew Amelia: still, her mum's so broken she's barely a person Jac: all I'm saying is we're getting dangerously close to comparing being gay to a mental illness Jac: which is what homophobes say and I'm not trying to be the confirmation Amelia: it's not being gay, it's loving the wrong person Amelia: there are happy gays, I've met some Amelia: and your brother isn't being held back by it Jac: don't get me started Amelia: Jude's love life is messier than his Amelia: more dramatic Jac: he'll end up with a girl Amelia: you don't know that Jac: wait and see Amelia: yeah, I'll stalk him from afar like a fangirl Amelia: 🤢 Jac: it's not the same either Amelia: you love a competition Jac: yeah, this is so much fun Jac: him and Jude are the same Jac: it doesn't mean anything to them, so they aren't getting hurt Jac: they don't care, it's not serious Amelia: you've got me, we're very much the same Amelia: in this anyway Jac: I don't want to love anyone ever again Amelia: then don't Jac: that's why I have no friends Amelia: yeah well you don't need them, that's the line and the lie, right? Jac: it's not funny Jac: I can't be trusted Jac: with any kind of relationship with a girl Amelia: I'm not laughing because me either Amelia: I make bad choices and I'm proven stupid, remember Jac: it's so fucking isolating Amelia: school is anyway Amelia: we're all in boxes Jac: you never used to hate it this much Amelia: now you understand how much I hate everything Amelia: how exhausted I am Amelia: it'd be nice to have the solidarity if it wasn't so horrible Jac: I'm just trying to get used to it Jac: accept it Amelia: at least you don't have to see her every day Amelia: maybe that'll make it different Jac: I never get to see her again Amelia: you don't know that either Jac: I do Jac: she's unlikely to stop by when she's seeing her mum Amelia: you verbally recoiled from me, ruined my birthday, nobody would call it likely that we're talking Jac: naive optimism is exactly what got you here Jac: don't even need to scroll for the reminder Amelia: ouch Amelia: you always find new ways to hurt me Jac: you really did just say you made bad choices and were stupid Jac: continuing this conversation is just another one for the list, probably Amelia: I can say it and do so you don't need to Jac: alright, alright Amelia: you're blocked though, this is the only place you could try to Jac: I could make another post but the point has been made well enough I reckon Amelia: it's not my birthday now so there's no point Amelia: ⛅ Jac: sod you then Jac: don't want you getting the wrong impression Amelia: 😂 bit late for that Jac: yeah Amelia: my dad'll be up soon I'll just wait ☕ Amelia: don't need you to entertain me any further Jac: you gonna tell him about your shit birthday Amelia: I'll tell them both we broke up and they'll be thrilled Amelia: it's all they want to hear Jac: you can tell them it was my fault, it doesn't matter to me Amelia: why would I do that? Jac: dunno, but having someone else's parents take over and shout at me for a bit might be mildly entertaining Amelia: they think I'm over you, they want me to be better Amelia: I'm not going to ruin the lie Jac: rude Jac: but fine Jac: guess you don't owe me Amelia: no, I don't Jac: enjoy your coffee then Amelia: it'll taste disgusting like it always does Amelia: the biggest lie of all Jac: you aren't as exhausted and sad as you say you are Jac: the taste would've been acquired by now, you massive child Amelia: I've had to hide it longer than you Amelia: I'm just more skilled and hilarious Jac: so you're better at being sad? Jac: and I love a competition 🙄 Amelia: 😏 Amelia: I've acquired a taste for anything with a high enough alcohol content, there you go Jac: I was drunk before I got there and that was still apparent Amelia: haven't needed stitches yet Jac: that's something Jac: anyway, how'd you figure you've had to hide it longer? Amelia: because I have Amelia: you were sitting pretty on a ☁ with Savannah for ages Amelia: nothing could touch you up there Jac: that's where you're wrong Amelia: I'm not letting you win again Jac: 😏 Jac: it's not like I was fucking boys because I thought I wanted to Amelia: okay 🏆 no need to make me cry thinking about that Jac: they aren't that bad Jac: well, usually Jac: just not as interesting, it didn't make sense Jac: why we would waste time we could be together instead Amelia: it's really sad Amelia: as 💔 it was seeing you with lads, I thought it was at least what you wanted Jac: they aren't the ones that made me 💔 Amelia: I know but Amelia: I can't imagine doing that, or how it would make me feel if I thought I had to Jac: well you're much softer than I am Amelia: excuse me, it took you years to break me, Savannah did the same to you in 1 Amelia: you're not that hard Jac: I think that says more about Savannah than it does you Jac: but alright Amelia: right, because she's so perfect Amelia: I actually can't compete Jac: shut up Amelia: it's true Jac: it isn't that simple, I keep saying Amelia: it's as simple as you've already said, she's straight and I'm not Amelia: it was safer for you, except it wasn't Jac: you make it sound Jac: ugh Amelia: isn't it? Jac: you think I'm a right cold, calculating bitch Jac: and I'm not saying you're wrong but it was nice when you thought otherwise Amelia: we can't go back, you really drilled that into me Jac: I know Jac: oh well Amelia: oh well? that's the best you can do, yeah? Amelia: doesn't sound very calculating and well planned out Jac: because it's all over Jac: the only thing I've got left is uni and the career I want Jac: nothing else can or is going to exist Amelia: that's more than I've got Amelia: I haven't exactly been concentrating on my app Jac: well you're going to run away and find your Thelma aren't you Amelia: you ruined that fantasy with reality Jac: yeah right Jac: you're still a hopeless romantic Amelia: with a 🚗 I can't drive yet Jac: have you had any lessons yet Amelia: no Amelia: I keep asking my dad but he's always too busy Jac: go ask him now Amelia: I've drank too much to go now Jac: well duh but he'll feel so bad for you he'll make time tomorrow or whatever Amelia: and we're back to calculating Jac: someone has to if you wanna be wild and free Amelia: 😂 Jac: how early is it Jac: will the library be open Amelia: it's weird that the library is still open at any hour Amelia: you're literally the only person who ever goes there Jac: excuse me, only child Jac: you try and study with a house full of annoying kids and dogs Amelia: I'm fine with a 🏠 swap, I don't feel like studying Jac: yeah only if you make it permanent Amelia: you wouldn't take my guest room for a night, I don't think I'd be able to make that happen Jac: because you were there Amelia: rude Jac: sensible Amelia: nothing's going to happen Jac: yeah exactly Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: it means we aren't going to be friends Amelia: why not? Jac: I told you why Amelia: I'm not asking you to care about me, I'm saying I'm here for you Jac: No Jac: I wasn't joking when I said I can't have friends Amelia: I know you weren't Jac: that includes you Jac: especially you Amelia: okay Jac: okay Amelia: good morning then Jac: 👋

After joining tumblr, my dream of becoming a published writer is forever broken and ruined. It may be drastic but I cannot imagine a future in which I'm a happy writer, knowing that what a large amount of people think is that you can't write about a gay character if you're not gay yourself, you cannot have a poc character if you're not poc yourself etc. It's frustrating and sad. That's what tumblr taught, along with simultaneously complaining all the day about the lack of rep

anon, let me tell you something first and foremost: tumblr is not a good audience when it comes to original fiction and if that’s what you want to do, delete tumblr from your perspectives.

now, I’ll go and say a lot of unpopular things before addressing your concerns, but here we go:

people on tumblr don’t read. or better: either they read fanfic which then they decide to consider the same thing as published writing, and like... while there’s a lot of fic that’s better than some published writing technically, the fact that they say it about classics or stuff they’re supposed to study in school shows that they have no idea of the basic difference in between the two media... or they read YA that gets hailed as the Next Best Thing In Literature when at most it’s a good YA and at worst it’s mediocre stuff that looks revolutionary because they haven’t read the fifteen other things that YA has taken inspiration from. at most they read harry potter when they were kids and never moved on from it, as showed by the fact that it’s 2019 and I still have to see people arguing about sn/ape being BAD OR GOOD when he’s the standard gray archetype, and if you can only think of sn/ape when you think about a gray character and you still haven’t made sense of his moralities or lack thereof, then you haven’t read anything else; (never mind that once I read writing advice like SORT YOUR CHARACTERS INTO HOGWARTS HOUSES LIKE FFS SOME OF US HAVEN’T READ HP THAT’S NOT A UNIVERSAL ADVICE FOR CREATING A CHARACTER’S BACKGROUND)

as people on tumblr don’t read, their understanding of how you write or anything else related to the craft is pretty much useless - like, the only thing each single writing manual agrees on is that if you want to be a writer you have to read a lot, because how are you going to deconstruct tropes (to say one) if you don’t know how those tropes work? or how are you going to play into them if you don’t know how they work regardless? I can’t write a tolkien deconstruction if I haven’t read all of tolkien’s writings back to back ten times at least, I can’t write a good novel about vietnam veterans in the early eighties if I don’t read all the history books on the topic I can find and at least ten tomes about how war-related ptsd in veterans works and possibly a lot of books written by vets themselves. I can’t write a stephen king deconstruction if I haven’t read stephen king back to back ten times either. which shows they think original novels are like fanfic - like, I personally have researched the shit out of things for fanfic, but I wouldn’t ask anyone to do it for a thing they do for free. like, if I see badly researched italian reinassance AU fic I won’t gaf if the author just wrote it based on the anglosaxon tv shows about the borgias around because I can’t expect them to read ten books about the topic to write a thing they don’t get paid for and that just people in fandom most likely will touch, but if it’s a published author that gets paid for it I’ll expect that at least they’ll do some research if they want to write stuff somewhat realistically. people on tumblr think that writing a novel requires the same effort as fanfic, as in, not much when it comes to background work, which is ridiculous, because that’s the difference - with fanfic, unless I write a detailed AU or smth, the author already did that work for me. I just have to expand on it and trying to understand the characters. like, it’s nowhere near the same thing;

which means that people have gone with this concept that ‘you can’t write X if you’re not X’, which is honestly ridiculous and counter-productive because it shoots down any chance that you, as an author, might actually understand what people who aren’t from your background feel like. also, I personally think that if you want to do that and you want to be good at it you need to a) find a way to relate to your characters that goes beyond your differences, b) talk to people from the category you don’t belong to. now, if I had to write a 50k short romance novel about two guys falling for each other at a record shop without too much drama happening, I’d probably just write it myself, some people who are actually guys into guys, ask them to read it, tell me if I fucked it up, get them to explain me how I fucked it up and run it by them until I’m done, but admittedly I don’t need research to find out how people run a record shop. if I had to write a story set in europe but idk there’s a zombie plague and one of the protagonists is a black american tourist I’d go ask someone who is black and american and possibly from the area I decided that person is from to give me background info on how I could write this person etc. and then run it by them after I’m done. if another of the protagonists is idk polish (because there’s not many polish people in mainstream european fiction outside of polish authors), I’d find a polish person to do the same thing and run it by them etc., because I’m not a black american nor a polish person but I still want to write those characters etc. but I mean, let’s say it’s the zombie apocalypse - can I make sure people connect with both of them because they’re surrounded by zombies and as all human beings in existence they don’t want to die? most likely I can. meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot of things about both categories because I talked to people belonging to them;

or, let’s say I want to write some story with a large cast where I decide that for the purposes of it straight character falls for a trans character and it ends well because fuck that I want people to be happy. I’m not trans, but I do know people who are. I’ll definitely talk to them running stuff and ask if thing X is offensive or not etc. because of course I’m not so I can’t know for sure, maybe I’ll stick with the straight POV or maybe not but I’ll definitely run it by them to make sure the thing is actually well-planned/not in poor taste, and meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot about the topic that I might not have known before, which is good because it means I know more about experiences I don’t have which is, guess what, how the entire point of writing stories is. you want people to empathize and feel for characters that might be not the same as them, that’s exactly your damned job, but if you don’t do it yourself first how do you assume others will?

all these people who think you can’t write a gay character if you’re not gay are the same people who think that if you’re a straight woman you can’t write about two men being in love/fucking but you should be able to do it about f/f pairings because since you’re a woman then you have to guess how that works out of that, which shows that they have no idea of how anything works - like I argued with half of tumblr on this topic so whatever, but as a straight woman I think I have more aesthetic tastes in common with a gay man since we both want to fuck men and we both are familiar with handling that equipment, so I’d find it easier to write about that rather than about the contrary as I don’t generally find women attractive in that sense except for like two very specific people who are not a very common aesthetic in general. but like, assuming that in virtue of being a woman then you have to know how it feels to be attracted to women while you can’t possibly do 2+2 about how gay men are into each other when technically you’re into men yourself shows exactly how these people have No Idea Whatsoever of how attraction works, never mind how empathizing with someone else works, never mind of how writing things with research behind it goes;

also, assuming that if you’re X then you can’t understand Y is extremely damaging because it means you can never understand other people’s struggles and that’s......... worrying? I mean, it’s an incredibly dangerous (and calvinist) position to say that if someone is X and so doesn’t know how it feels to have a specific kind of issue then they can’t get it not even intellectually. idk, I’m straight so I can’t possibly understand or relate to why would lgbt+ people want to marry and adopt kids/have their children recognized/have the same rights as I do? are we serious? so if idk I wanted to try and change some bigot’s mind about it when I see that they’re just parroting bullshit and they haven’t thought about it I shouldn’t even try because they’re a bigot and they’ll never understand or change their mind? so people who used to be bigots, then found out their kids or their kids’s friends were lgbt+, listened to them, realized they were bigots and are now allies/supporters couldn��t have done that because at some point they used to be bigots? how the hell do you want people to change or to be an activist or change the world if you don’t believe that people can change themselves or worse that you don’t believe that people coming from any background can’t understand people coming from another background? that’s not how it works. I mean guys ffs I read a bunch of nonfiction lately about endemic poverty in the center of the US out of personal interest and I’m as far from the US and any of those situations as it goes (I’m not a veteran, I never was not taught to read and write even if I finished high school, I never lost 90% of what I had after getting sick, I never needed to hop on a train illegally to go places, I never had to sell my own plasma to buy lunch, I never needed to live in a tent when I was going to middle school after my parents had to move to a totally different state and I never had to go live in a trailer after my house was sold by a bank before I couldn’t pay off my loan, I don’t have a five year old child that won’t be insured because she was born with a pre-existing medical condition), and like... I cried while reading some of them? because I could envision it and I felt like the system failed them and I hate reading about people being failed by a system that should support them, and I swear I’m not a US person who comes from that background whatsoever. I could probably write you a full novel about how immigrants in Italy have it like shit whether they’re legal or not because I worked in the field for two years and one of my oldest friends has immigrant parents and she was born here and she can’t use her ID to travel in europe only because she still doesn’t have a citizenship and she’s been waiting for years to get it. I’m not an immigrant in italy but I’ve known enough, seen enough and heard enough from them that I could most likely do it and it wouldn’t be badly researched. like, you can’t tell people to not tell stories if they want to do it with respect and not wanting to make it about themselves only. that’s bad writing. but if you care about the people you’re giving rep to then you should try imvho;

now: I suppose that you’re belonging to categories that are Not Minorities given how the ask is worded. (same as me more or less unless you consider atheists a minority but nvm that.) there’s a lot of writers around that are Not Minorities and most get published more than people who are actually minorities. people saying that you can’t write X if you’re not X and X = minority are pretty much telling you that you shouldn’t use your spotlight to give people rep when you could and you could do it reasonably well if you do your research and talk to those minorities. so they’re basically going against everyone’s interests because you could learn things and become a better person and make sure your readers empathize with your characters and more rep is always good esp. if well-done. I personally think that people should write about what they want - there’s topics I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching because idk if I could do that well and things I really wouldn’t want to write about so I most likely never will -, but that they should also go for what they want if it’s what they believe they can do. so if you feel like you want to write gay characters or whatever go for it and then find yourself a sensitivity reader or ten before you send your book around instead of worrying about what kids on tumblr who are still arguing about snape’s morality and think that writing the divine comedy is the same as self-insert fanfic think, because they will never create shit for anyone, you might. and you’ll have automatically done more than people who complain about everything but wouldn’t produce one single piece of fiction themselves and wouldn’t most likely waste ten minutes of their life researching the fiction they want to write.

tldr: if you want to write professionally, influence people and give the world good stories, don’t give a fuck about what tumblr says because it’s people who most likely will never read your books anyway unless you want to write the next YA saga that has the same six archetypes of characters in which then the only slightly problematic white cishet dude will be without further ado compared to sn/ape and everyone is going to get sorted into hogwarts houses and people will fight about that rather than giving a damn about whatever message you wanted to pass. don’t give a damn about tumblr and do your thing anon, no one deserves to have any perspective ruined because of this hellsite’s opinions on anything. ;) 

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY OF MY LOVES ARE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS? no? cool well ya’ll are about to find out .and BELIEVE ME when i tell you that you should follow the shit out of all of these guys. if you haven’t already. and if you haven’t, what are you doing you’re so missing out!!! 

@bloodmirrored ; @keeperofhumanity ; @1000liveslived ; @dissolvedshadows ; @wulfking ; @oddyssea ; @peaceific ; @grcdy ; @beaniesandmachetes ; @cordeliakomskaikru / @rainkilled ; @roaming-agent ; @motherbuilt ; @lead-pencilskirt ; @sterxid ; @scarredesmeralda

alright this time i got smart and am listing in alphabetical order so it’s easier for ya’ll to find your little love blurb: 

@1000liveslived --- so i know i was later than most people to hop onto the ‘holy shit jess is literally one of the most incredible humans’ bandwagon but i’m here. and i have my little conductors hat. and we gon fuck some shit up with love alright? but you know i love you. let’s talk about how much i love emma. emma is realistic. and dynamic. and she breaks your god damn heart as much as she makes it soar. emma, to me, feels like the kind of character that could exist in real life. she has flaws, she has strength, she has this lingering air of reality about her that not many people can bring to an oc. and tbh all of your ocs are like that and i love them all so much. they’re such unique characters and i love them more than anything.

@beaniesandmachetes --- ok so i know you’re technically not on jake as much anymore but tbh this is the blog where i first fell in love with everything about your blogs. for starters, your writing is to die for, writing with you has always been one of my favorite things. i love all the little details you put into jake and how you make him stand out among other ocs and other blogs that use jared as a fc. and while we’re at it, let’s talk about jared as a fc bc like honestly once in awhile an oc will come along where the fc is honestly just PERFECT and it makes the character and drives everything and tbh i can’t imagine jake with any other fc. jared is perfect. every last minute detail ( which i’m sure you’ve thought through bc you’re just that attuned to your characters and i love it ) is perfection. seriously i am deathly terrified of zombies but like your blog would make me try and watch twd again. which is a big thing, ok? bc i’m literally terrified of zombies.

@bloodmirrored --- icb i’m literally mentioning you on all of these ffs everyone’s gonna know i’m trash for you. but you have 800 blogs and i can’t tag them all so i’m just gonna tag this one especially and give @reapcriisms a shout out bc fuck man i love aleksei but ok anyway let’s talk about the sweetmeadows: bc i. love. them. so. freaking. much. you’ve made such a wonderful, organic, and believable contrast between the twins. where i don’t think they could exist in a verse where the other one doesn’t. as stand alone characters, they’re phenomenal, but when you put them together it’s like this magic just happens and you get to this whole other level of understanding and quality and overall perfection and i’ve told you before and i’ll tell you again that you honestly do develop some of the best ocs i’ve seen. like you have 800 of them.

@cordeliakomskaikru / @rainkilled --- le sigh. i’m mentioning both of them under one little paragraph bc i don’t wanna seem unfair but i feel like you should know by now that i could go on about your muses for 1800 days. seriously though. i’ve never met anyone who could have the kind of muse range that you do. like all of your muses, be them canon or oc, have different voices and mannerisms and none of them bleed together ( which tbh i feel like is super hard to do idk how you do this ) and i honestly forgot ( like legitimately ) that cordelia and peter weren’t “canon” like i got super confused when the trailer came out and i was like what an outrage where is cordelia i am going to riot oh shit wait she’s not technically in this show whatthefuck basically though, everytime i think i can’t love you more, you go and do something else that makes me love you more. just stop. my heart will explode. and i will die.

@dissolvedshadows --- throwback to those like 6 months where i did nothing but stalk your blog and constantly hover over the follow button and debate whether or not i should just go for it bc i was like ‘well shit if they don’t follow me back imma die’ BUT YOU DID AND HERE YOU ARE and skdjfsdkjlfh wow ok lets talk about caleb and ana. i am a sucker for characters who have two seemingly contrasting characteristics but somehow it works. like case in point, the thousand year old terrifying pretty much all powerful immortal demon who can’t figure out how to google things and ana the badass ‘could probably kill a man with boots and look fab doing it’ but who also i feel like just kinda needs someone to love her ( coughconnorcough ) and it takes someone with serious writing chops to pull that off, which --- hello, it’s you. it’s literally always gonna be you. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to accurately describe how much i adore you. but it’s a lot. a whole lot.

@grcdy --- !!!! JURASSIC WORLD OC !!!! like honestly i don’t know why the whole world doesn’t follow you for just that reason alone? which yes, would do you a total injustice bc you are so much more than just a jurassic world oc BUT YOU’RE A JURASSIC WORLD OC but ok, fangirling about your amazing oc making decisions aside, can we all please collectively appreciate bella? please? because girl is fuckin fantastic. like strong and smart and tough and incredible and badass and all around just a wonderful character that should have existed in the movie ( and now does, in my mind, thanks. ) and i just like, you guys. jurassic world. original character. plus great writing. plus and even better mun. plus just a great fucking character there are no drawbacks.

@keeperofhumanity --- i know you’re not as active on z anymore which tbh i think is a tragedy because of all of your characters ( which are all awesome ) z has always had such a soft spot in my heart. not only have you managed to make a character that is totally and completely badass without going over the top and in your face about it and making it hard to write with, but you’ve managed to weave in this incredibly soft and tender side of her. very few people can do that with the amount of finesse that you’ve managed to. and yes, no matter what blog you’re on you’re an incredible writer and an incredible human, but fucking hell ash you literally mined gold when it came to zandra. she’s incredible. like you.

@lead-pencilskirt --- emma aka the biggest sweetheart of an oc ever to be made aka the love of my life aka idk how you made her this amazing and how you yourself are this amazing but holy shit it’s like the holy grail of rp blogs. like writing with emma feels breezy. chemistry is natural, writing is fun, our threads are kinda just a nice break to be able to reply to. i love well developed ocs that feel like they could super easily just step out of the rp world and into the real world and we would never know the difference and emma i feel like fits that mold to a perfect t.

@motherbuilt --- and here we have another one of those oc’s where i have to literally remind myself that she’s not “canon” because she’s so canon it hurts. honestly i swear i don’t know how you do it or how you’ve made her this true to life and fit her in so well to the t100 universe but you’ve struck gold, okay? because lou feels like a part of that universe. she feels like she belongs with the other characters. and the whole idea of this scared kid who is gonna have a baby on the ground where they’re all probably gonna die? it’s freaking genius. plus lou herself is just all sorts of tough and badass and inspiring but also has this soft side and she’s so loyal and i love her to death. and i love all of our threads so freaking much.

@oddyssea --- okay but you literally took like one of my favorite tropes ( the bantery treasure hunting guy ) and made him better. and you gave him an accent. and you developed tf out of him to the point where i’ll be like psh nice try indiana jones but karter kane coulda done all that and looked better doing it ( which is hard to do, i mean we’re talking about young harrison ford here okay? ) but alright like, not only is karter an incredible oc but he’s one of those muses that i just love reading things for. i love all of your threads, even the ones that don’t even involve me in any way shape or form. you made an oc that’s fun to read and fun to write with and is just all around a great character. fuck man i could go on and on about how incredible he is and i probably will for the next billion years bc you’re stuck with me ( and care ) for at least that long 

@peaceific --- when i first followed you i honestly had to like refrain myself from getting giddy everytime you expressed an interest in writing with me. because you have been and always will be one of THOSE blogs. like the blogs that just radiate in the quality vibe. everything about noah and your blog and your writing and theme and everything is so perfectly matched and formatted and organized, i envy it. and even beyond that, noah is a fucking incredible character. like the most original idea for a character i’ve seen in my time here. i can’t get enough of writing with you. i can’t get enough of talking to you. i just wish i could constantly force you to bask in that kind of love day in and day out until you were like ‘damn ok i get it we’re loved’ 

@roaming-agent --- my girl. caroline’s girl. literally like i feel like you me and lissa need to make some kind of charlie’s angels verse with these three bc that’s totally the vibe i get from them. honestly though i just really love taylor. there’s something about her that’s really innocent and sweet despite the fact that i am fully aware that she is a not so secret badass at heart. she feels so real, and i love the development you’ve done with her and how you’ve expertly woven her into frank and joe’s lives and stories and it just brings new life and new levels and new angles to everything. plus, you’re literally one of the best people to talk to and write with like you’re such a freaking sweetheart idek how to deal with it.

@scarredesmeralda --- alright so we haven’t written yet and we’ve only been following one another for a little bit but already i know i’m gonna love you. because not only do you have a great fucking oc who you’ve managed to adapt to so many different verses ( which is no easy feat, i know ) but you are just like the nicest person ever. you’re like a mama lion protecting her cubs and i love that you’re so bold about what you believe in, i love talking to you, i cannot wait to write with you and explore different verses and muse chemistry and just see how things go. i give you all of the applause because you deserve it.

@sterxid --- ok but will i ever flail enough about how much i adore you and your blog? probably not. but we’re gonna keep trying until you get sick of hearing it. the first time i fell in love with your blog, i fell in love with one of your promos and honestly it was so gorgeous and simplistic and i just had to follow you because i needed more of that kind of quality on my dash. and you did not disappoint. not even for one second. every edit you make has this raw, simplistic, but gorgeous quality that is so aesthetically appealing and it’s all backed by this fantastically developed and written character. i swear lik everything about your blog is so downright gorgeous that i don’t even know how to properly express how much i love it except to flail over you constantly. so that’s what i’m gonna do.

@wulfking --- the god damn love of my life. i’ve told you a lot about how incredible alex is but now i’m just gonna tell you again bc you definitely don’t hear it enough: alex is incredible. you have put so much thought not only into the character you’re writing but into the world around him, his species, his family, his background, his mannerisms that he could ( and should ) be a real canon character somewhere. only i feel like even that would do him a disservice because he is so beyond the constraints of any canon anywhere. you write alex with a kind of adoration and love and skill that i could never hope to have and that a lot of us i think could never really hope to have. you’re just a natural born creative mind and a talented writer and you inspire me on the daily.

dragon age: inquisition relationship scale

the scaling goes from one to five, with a heart indicating potential romantic interest (or sexual partner)repost // don’t reblog!

Blackwall ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Kaaras still considers Blackwall a friend, but he doesn’t consider him a close friend. What he did was wrong, and he does approve of the fact that Blackwall redeemed himself and felt guilty for his wrongs. Blackwall could do some serious good with his whole redemption trope, and Kaaras saw that potential in him. So, he’s low on the scoreboard, but Kaaras doesn’t hate him. He finds Blackwall to be boring, actually, and a little too depressing to be around. The whole drinking scene with them together was just so awkward for Kaaras because Kaaras never really felt like he could open up to Blackwall.

He doesn’t feel like they can relate, and Kaaras really doesn’t approve of what he did, because it was petty and in many ways unforgivable. He expects people to be stronger than that. So… yeah, they are just VERY awkward around one another, and Kaaras often gets a little bitchy around Blackwall.

Cassandra ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ - ♥

Kaaras really likes Cassandra. I’d say they are good, close friends with one another who have been together since the start. Kaaras also had a bit of a crush on her throughout their time in Haven, but his feelings soon disappeared when he met Bull. He RESPECTS Cassandra a lot. She’s a woman who isn’t afraid to make things right and fix mistakes done. She can hold her own, she’s strong, and she fully stands up for what she believes in. They get along well, even if they’re both quite stubborn. He definitely considers her a good friend. :) 

Cole ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

Cole never really SCARED Kaaras. He’s always seen spirits as people, so seeing Cole was actually kind of cool for Kaaras. He found him interesting and engaging, even if a little strange. Kaaras is very much a fatherly figure to Cole, though. He takes him in, he looks after him, makes sure he’s doing okay and he can stay in more quiet places if he needs it. Cole IS a person, he has feelings, intentions, and wants to HELP others. He’s compassionate and caring, and a little innocent. He definitely considers Cole a good friend, the only thing that annoys him sometimes is when Cole looks inside his head when he shouldn’t be. XD I guess, in many ways, he’s sort of like Varric in the way he teaches Cole things and how to be more human.

Kaaras never would have had a problem if Cole wanted to stay in his spirit form, but he feels Varric was right. It had gone too far, and Cole was becoming more human the longer he stayed in Cole’s body. Plus, Cole wanted it. Kaaras saw no wrong in that, he just wanted Cole to be happy.

Cullen ★★ ★ ★ ☆ - ♥ 

Kaaras and Cullen get along very well, especially considering they are both the sort of commanding and strategic minds that can think alike. I think the only thing they REALLY clash on is the whole mage/templar thing–Cullen being an ex templar and Kaaras being a mage. He really likes Cullen, though. I wouldn’t say they are the best of friends, and it’s hard to get the both of them to wind down and not talk about work. I think that’s where they struggle the most, is to put their work faces off and just… talk. The both of them are guarded and private, though, and they don’t expect each other to randomly talk about things unless provoked. But the both of them would die for one another. 

Kaaras is also a recovering alcoholic, so he understands what it’s like to go through withdrawal. He is supportive of Cullen’s choices and encourages him to stay off lyrium.

Also, there’s a little heart on here because if Cullen ever actually liked men or qunari, Kaaras certainly would have been sexually and/or romantically interested in him. :’D He did flirt with him until he realised that Cullen wasn’t interested in men (or qunari). Overall, a romance with them would probably struggle because of their lack of communication outside of work. There is potential, but they’d have to both work VERY hard to keep it going, and I think they’d be much happier as friends than romantically involved. 

Dorian ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ - ♥

Dorian and Kaaras are actually VERY close. From the start, they both just… hit it off. I think them both being mages, and different really made them connect. And then there was the whole Redcliffe thing. Dorian was with Kaaras when it happened, and he’s the ONLY other person who remembers it because he lived through it as well. That made them bond for sure.

Kaaras has become one of Dorian’s best friends over the course of Inquisition, and perhaps one of his only friends, and Kaaras holds Dorian extremely close to him. They flirt, they talk fashion, they talk men, and tbh… Kaaras and Dorian end up talking to each other about pretty much everything.

Dorian was one of the first canon characters to actually know about Kaaras’ dad as well (even before Bull knew about it). When the whole thing happened with Dorian’s father, that really made Kaaras open up to him about it. In fact, Kaaras sometimes finds it easier to talk to Dorian than Bull about a fair few family problems and other personal things that Bull might not understand. Dorian and Kaaras talk a lot, and they really are close.

I can’t say they don’t have… SOME kind of feelings for one another, hence the heart there. Sometimes I wonder if Dorian has a thing for Kaaras, despite Bull, or perhaps they’re more platonic. But they definitely like each other a lot. Honestly, if Kaaras didn’t romance Bull, then Dorian would have been a real option.

The only thing that really gets Kaaras upset and uneasy is the fact that Dorian is a necromancer. Kaaras doesn’t think the dead should rise for anyone. They should be at peace with the world and themselves, and be left to rest. Disturbing a grave, especially for war intentions, is very much a no no. In saying that, Kaaras is still interested in all sorts of magic. Just because he refuses to use it (like blood magic as well), doesn’t mean others haven’t done GOOD with it, and Dorian is a very powerful mage.

The Iron Bull ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ - ♥

Rofl. Well, they’re lovers. <3 There are a lot of things that make them close. Kaaras was very impressed by Bull, but also very curious. He knows a damn good warrior when he sees one, and being a mercenary captain himself, it did give him and Bull a little bit to talk about, also the Qun. Now, Kaaras doesn’t mind talking about the Qun, it’s when people force it down his throat that he gets all moody and upset, but Bull was never LIKE that, in fact, he offered to talk about it if he had questions, so Kaaras kind of took advantage of that to find out what he hadn’t already.

Kaaras had a thing for Bull only days after he’d hired the man. He’d been around qunari before, and his past lover was one, but there was just something about Bull that really drew him in. From all the muscles, to the jokes, the puns, the lighthearted nature, and tbh, Bull was KIND. He LIKED when Kaaras went out of his way to help the small people, and that was important to him, because it meant Bull was also the kind of man who actually cared about the small things, even if he didn’t seem like he was.

Bull is smart, clever, caring, incredibly deep and he found himself with Kaaras and with the Inquisition. Ffs, he went and killed a dragon to collect a tooth for the man XD I’m pretty sure that shows how dedicated Kaaras is to Bull. They just… WORK. Everything about their personalities. Despite what would seem to be huge differences in them both, it actually compliments the both of them. From Bull looking like he’s the big scary non caring one when in fact he’s so deeply caring that he does just about anything to please his lover, when Kaaras is actually the demanding and in control one, to the fact that Kaaras is a mage, which Bull is terrified of magic and demons and shit, and Bull is from the Qun, which Kaaras is all iojdoifjsdjf over. But they work, they are so compatible with one another, and they’re perfect <3 Don’t even get me started on their sex life. XD

Josephine ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ - ♥

Kaaras and Josie get along VERY WELL actually. They have a high respect for one another and Josie did have a crush on Kaaras in my main playthrough (which is ADORABLE BUT ALSO REALLY SAD when Kaaras has to turn her down :( ) But they are very friendly and sweet with each other. They are the kind of friends who listen to each other when they need to vent, who go out to fancy places and eat with each other and indulge a little. They are the kind of platonic friends who will cuddle and snuggle by a fire with each other. 

I stuck the heart there because honestly, Josie is one of my favourite romances in the entire game, and her and Kaaras had REALLY good chemistry. Her romances is one of the sweetest and her and Kaaras would have made an exceptionally sweet couple. If Kaaras didn’t romance Bull, I think Josie would have beat Dorian. 

Leliana ★ ★ ★☆ ☆

Leliana seems to scare everyone–and with GOOD reason. Kaaras is STUBBORN though, and he doesn’t often care if his words will get him killed, so long as he dies defending his moral code and for the right reasons. Kaaras and Leliana actually stand for a LOT of the same things… which sort of surprises me? At least with a softened Leliana, anyway–which is how Leli ended up being in Kaaras’ playthrough.

I think this definitely makes them closer than they’d like to think? I think they don’t really WISH to be close with each other, because they definitely have some differences. Leliana IS frightening, she is willing to do some very dark things that Kaaras wouldn’t agree with, but Kaaras highly respects her, and knows she is DAMN good at what she does.

They are friends, definitely, and Leliana respects Kaaras’ position (especially since they want so much of the same thing from the Chantry and mages), but they aren’t best friends. More like very useful contacts when the time is needed. Kind of “we owe each other”.

In saying that, Kaaras, personally, isn’t actually scared of her like so many others are. Does she make him uneasy? Yes. Does he find her tactics a little horrifying? Sometimes. But he also oddly trusts that she would never stab him in the back. Maybe he’s just naive, Kaaras can be that way sometimes, but he didn’t get bad vibes from Leliana in that regard. He actually feels safer when she’s around.

Sera ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

Okay, Sera and Kaaras DO get along, but it’s mostly because Kaaras tends to roll his eyes and say some stupid pun or something so she doesn’t throw a hissy fit. He understands where she is coming from, trying to lighten everyone up, which is why he didn’t always mind when she’s throwing pranks, but he often doesn’t approve of them either. He finds her to be incredibly immature and sometimes a downright child and a pain in the arse. She doesn’t want to listen to reason, which makes him frustrated, but he also doesn’t want them to be enemies. So… they have a bit of a middle ground.

Kaaras is also one of those little people that Sera talks about. He understands exactly the people she is sticking up for, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to be rude all the time and play pranks on important people. Here and there, okay, he’ll let her do some, but he’s also not about to let her have run of the place. She needs to realise that the Inquisition is there for an important reasons, and saving the world SOMETIMES means you need to be serious. Even if she’ll poke her tongue out at him and call him a fart or something.

But hey, they do share cookies on the roof. :)

Solas ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ 

This… one cuts me deep. Solas and Kaaras are very good friends. Solas had been there from the start with Kaaras and the Inquisition, and that’s so important to Kaaras. Solas taught him A LOT, and yes, while Solas tends to think qunari are savage beasts, Kaaras never really argued with that. Because deep down, Kaaras thinks the Qun is a terrible place to be, and so he part way agrees. Many Tal-Vashoth are also turned to savages, which Kaaras can’t even deny, because it’s true. There are a lot of Tal-Vashoth who end up running wild and killing innocent people. That doesn’t mean they’re all terrible, but Kaaras isn’t going to deny that they do make his race look shitty as a whole, and the Qun doesn’t help. Kaaras is actually incredibly racist towards his own species, and while he doesn’t MEAN to me, it’s very deep seeded into him from his childhood and everyone being so racist to him, so he just sits there and goes yeah… where’s the lie? But he also wants to overcome it so badly, too, because he wants to also prove that he’s NOT like that, that not ALL qunari are savages, but sometimes he can’t help but believe deep down that they (and HIMSELF) are. And that’s fucking painful for me to think about.

Kaaras TRUSTED Solas, and tbh he still DOES??? And that bothers me. He’s always been so much more patient with Solas than I have, and I woulda decked the fuck out of him, instead, Kaaras tries to REDEEM him, because he is a FRIEND, and he still IS to Kaaras. He respects Solas, and tries to understand him, because in the bottom of his heart, he truly believes that Solas was and still can be a good person. He also thinks that those tales of Fen’Harel are very important and can see the good in Solas’ actions and what he had tried to do for his people. He admires him greatly, but he WILL prove to Solas that this world is worth it, even if he dies in doing so.

Varric ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

Varric and Kaaras definitely get along, and because the both of them love stories and telling stories, they often share them around camp. He highly encourages Varric with his tales, even if some of them are total bullshit. A story is meant to inspire, to question, and Varric does all of that, and that’s what Kaaras loves about it.

Varric is actually an incredibly encouraging friend himself, and when Kaaras is in need of some time to himself, Varric is often one of the first people to realise that the Inquisitor needs a break, so he ushers people off and out or he encourages Kaaras to play some games and have a drink so he can relax. They don’t sit there and tell each other their most darkest secrets, but they definitely quietly encourage each other. :) Also, Kaaras is a super fucking fan of Varric’s writing >///<

Vivienne ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

These two DEFINITELY bump heads at the start, but by the end, they surprisingly get along VERY well. I think it helps, for Vivienne, that Kaaras is a very strong morally run person, he’s also a mage and believes in their rights but also their powers, and he has a touch of fashion sense. Oh, they’re both also Knight Enchanters.

They definitely have their disagreements, especially on how Circles should be run. Also, Kaaras can see how manipulative Vivienne is and gets the feeling that she wants everything HER way and will do just about anything to possess that power–which isn’t right or morally correct. So that is something he really doesn’t like in Viv, but their banter is actually quite amusing, and Vivienne shows her concerns multiple times for the Inquisitor and in more subtle ways shows her respects to him as well. It’s kind of sweet, really.

BONUS

Warden + Hawke ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ - ♥

For both, Kaaras highly respects and even has a bit of a hero crush on both of them. Depending entirely on the choices Hawke or the Warden made, he would look up to and respect them greatly, even in a sense worship them. But he definitely has a fanboyish crush on them both--certainly if they have moral standards. 

They are getting docked points, however, because Kaaras hasn’t gotten to meet the Hero in person, and he only briefly got to speak with Hawke. 

tagged by: @inquisitorataashi