Feeling inherently fucked up is so exhausting. I can polish my appearance or perfect my accomplishments but really, deep down, something is just wrong. I try my hardest to make myself palatable, be enjoyable to be around. I end up just feeling like a fuck up all over again. It feels so lonely. The isolation is self imposed, I know that. I'm just so fucking afraid of what people will do when they see past all the glittery bits and really take a look. I'm a romantic at heart, I have such a bone deep longing for love but at the same time I push anyone away the minute I feel them trying to peek behind the curtain. It's miserable, and I'm tired. I am so very tired.

TT(and total vague blogging):

It took 1 zoom call to drive home the fact that no matter how hard I try, it's too late and my efforts are going to be fruitless.

"Love cannot save you from your own fate"- Jim Morrison.

bobby and eddie yelling buck's allergies at the doctors is something that can be so soul-crushing on a submolecular level

i walk into my backyard to put the chickens away for the night

there's a bunch of ritz crackers in a dog bowl. the crackers are on FIRE. bc my brother has poor anger management and no impulse control.

so anyways that's the last straw, i am done with today

x

2024 is the year I kill myself I think

I logged out and stopped playing early. Idk...I'm just bored...like I have no one to hang out with and talk to and sometimes it gets a bit depressing seeing other people hanging out and having fun together. Anytime I have tried to make friends and be kind to people I would always get treated like garbage. I have nothing but traumatic memories of people and how they all treated me like shit. Like wow...am I really that unlikeable? Why was I even born then? 😅

But seriously, though. While it is true that you dont need to have friends, life is more fun when you do have them. Right now...I'm just bored. Lonely and bored. Life feels so dull and pointless. Like?? What's the point to anything? Like you think you are living right and it's like "Okay God I cut off the toxic friends and the people who were bad influences so when am I going to have people to talk to or am I just going to be destined to talk to myself for the rest of my life?" And that is what I actually do. I have full conversations with myself because I have no one to actually talk to. I guess God wanted me to be isolated from everyone and not have any social skills. lol okay so that made me undeniably crazy. what was the point of that exactly? what is the point of me being here? to be a laughing stock to people? to be the butt of a joke? like why? what is the purpose of me being on this earth. I'm tired of everyday being the same thing over and over.

I feel like I dont really have much of a life nor much to offer. I can't work or drive because of my mental health and my inability to handle stress and my crippling anxiety. I have no social skills and lack the proper necessary skills to make connections and talk to people. Why the hell am I here? I'm just so bored with my damn life.

It must be nice for the people who do have friends and who do have relationships. You're fortunate. I'll probably never have that especially since it seems like God clearly doesn't want me to. I am wondering why I am even still serving Him. I know I shouldn't be envious of people or covet what they have and I dont want to but?? You arent exactly helping me not to now are you? I want friends...I want a relationship...I want human connection but I never get that. I just get treated like garbage like I am nothing and worthless. Its like each time I see people hanging out that is just the universe's way of telling me "yeah you will never have anyone or connect with them. you will never have that. they are fortunate and you arent". And where are you in this, God? Do you care about my suffering? You said in your word for us to delight ourselves in you and serve you and I have done that and even so with all of the time I have given you and all the times I have defended your name and honored you, I get nothing in the end but suffering. How is that fair?

I dont connect with anyone and any connection I do try to make always falls through the cracks and I have to do all the work while they lose interest and stop talking to me. Now I no longer trust anyone after all the betrayals and abandonment. My life just sucks and I'm tired of living it honestly. Like the people who treat me bad always have people to support them and help them but I get absolutely nothing but people telling me that "they dont enjoy being around me when I am sad". How is it that other people can get support and love and they dont even serve you and yet I get absolutely nothing when I am serving you.

I just dont understand this. God, I have served you and have made every effort to revere you but it just feels like you always want me to be lonely and suffering which is already horrifically bad for my terrible mental health. Do you even care? I know I am supposed to serve you and all but given the fact that I already suffer with my mental health, why do I need to have a lack of social skills, too? That just seems cruel of you. I am trying to trust you but I am beginning to lose my faith in you. I don't feel motivated to live this life anymore.

Am currently dealing with the biggest/longest migraine I ever had and by God I just feel like surviving

It's been going on for about ten hours and it's like an 8-9 out of ten in intensity and it only dipped into a 5 for a couple of hours after laying in a dark silent room for about 1,5 hours...

And I tried oh so many techniques to try and stop them in just giving up

But I have so many college works to do

AAAAAAAAAA

i finally blocked my mother's phone number.

I'm so fucking done with my family. Like, yes, Mother, I am allowed to feel angry that my sister uses racist and homophobic slurs about random people she doesn't know. I am allowed to shout when she says that it's justified, like nobody gets assaulted when those same slurs are said. Fucking hell.

Vent post. I will put it under a cut in case you don't want to see it. It's not super personal, but it's me and my work (or... Coworker)

I'm not going to name names because that's way rude and I'm not like that. But here it goes.

So I have some time off coming in July. My family is getting together for the first time in a few years for a reunion. It's small, just my parents, my cousins who have lumped me in as a sister (I'm an only child for reference, in case you wanted to know), my aunt and uncle, and a couple of friends. It also is kind of over my parents wedding anniversary but that's not important. Just a cool little thing. I took a Wednesday to Wednesday off. A couple of my cousins fly in from Florida then, and everyone is going home on Sunday or Monday, and I'm going to use the rest of my time off to unwind, get in the sun, all that jazz with summer PTO.

Now I took the week after July 4 off cause I knew I had to work the holiday. I don't mind working them, it's just whatever. When the schedule came out, my coworker texted me asking if I took the holiday off since I wasn't scheduled on there, and she was instead. I said no. She texted back "well, I'm not working three holidays just so you can only work one." Okay? It's literally not my fault. As in let's go to the boss and just say "hey, I'm supposed to work this holiday, can we take Coworker off and put me on?" It's a night shift so I need the day after to sleep/readjust/whatever. She said sure. And she did. After Coworker left, my boss comes up to me and says "hey, I noticed you haven't taken a lot of time off, would you be okay if I gave you the rest of that week off?" I wasn't sure at first, but when she pointed it out that I don't take a lot of time off, I said sure. I'll put the rest of that week on PTO.

So I come in this morning, and Coworker asked what I was doing on the back half of the week I took off. I said I have family stuff, people flying in, but I didn't go into details. Coworker said that she put in seniority PTO for those same days. I said "....okay?" And I get it. Seniority PTO goes over my regular pto request. The boss even approved it. But it didn't show up on the schedule to say that she is off. (It turned out to be that the pto she requested is on the next schedule. I know. It's weird. But it's our normal so...) Coworker went on to say that I should rescind my back half of my time off because "you would have nine days off in three weeks, and that's unnecessary."

Uhm.

Excuse me?

That's what I'm mad about. I do not take a lot of time off during the year. I take some time off maybe three or four times a year. I make my shifts work so I can go up north for a long weekend. I don't miss a lot of work, even when I should probably take off due to pain or mental health. I don't feel I have to be here, but knowing that things can change very quickly at my workplace, it's nice to be able to help others, in the hope that they'll help me too.

I'm angry that it makes me feel like I can't have time off ever because it doesn't "work" for them. I'm angry that people don't talk, and just go straight to yelling. And I'm most angry about people giving other people shit about wanting time off.

I told my boss about the comment of my PTO being deemed unnecessary. I didn't name names then either. To say she was pissed was an understatement. I've cried in front of her a few times, and today was one of them because I don't deserve that. It's been nothing but problems since this part of the schedule came out and I'm sick of being the person that Coworker goes to.

I'm quitting my job 🥰

im really ready to give up.

Can nothing ever go fucking right for me?! For fucks sake! I just want to run away and leave fucking everything behind!

Who ever invented migraines

Fuck you

I've not had a strong suicidal thought for a while now, and these constant migraines are bringing back up all that shit again.

I'm sleeping for 17 hours + daily because I'm in so much pain it exhausts me.

I can't leave my flat much because I'm in too much pain.

I feel so guilty about not going into the office for work that I force myself in and make myself in worse pain for the rest of the week.

My painkillers aren't touching the pain

I dont wake up to eat without setting alarms.

Forget about going for a shower because if I do that I'll need to sleep and be too tired to eat.

I'm trying to eat healthier but I literally don't have the energy to cook meals.

Fuck my life

anon is being turned off for the time being, so whoever sent me that ask last night, how about you just either send it again and reveal yourself or better yet, block me because i'm not dealing with that bullshit over icons that i edited to be PURPLE icons, that when i made them, were GRAYSCALED in the first place.