I have a question for people in the medical field:

Am I supposed to be able to pull my kneecap straight up? Like it hurts but I can and also it always hurts so…? Am I just weird? Also I’ve moved it to the wrong side of my knee, like the inside bend part? I think my knees are fucked? Oh and also I’m slowly losing the ability to bend my knees.

Update: I woke up this morning and it is excruciatingly painful to bend my right leg at the knee, like I refuse to do it it hurts so bad. Help

Lurched around the kitchen & made a gluten free mock apple pie today, my knees are crap since surgery. My pie looks like apples inside, but its zuccini with lemon and spices- its delish warm with ice cream🥧

My hOney got me flowers today. The white ones smell the best🤍 I'm pretty doped up trying to not do so much so my knee will heal, but I'm worried- its frozen crooked, can't bend or straighten it😬 I see dr nx wk, so between now & then I practice being patient 😶

good lord when the exercise is compulsive

hey guys

I'm so clumsy

You don't even know.

I'll be injured - from my head down to my toes

bestie i’m the real ballister. sparkle on. it’s wednesday. don’t forget to prove your innocence and take your meds. :).

A lil late but thank u irl bal also I no meds to take- wait nvm I need to take some pain killers rn cuz my knees are screaming at me :,D

Girl what is thisssss how it's 34°C real feel temperature at almost 11pm 😭 I want to die

AJSHDHFB

My knees hurt so bad dude I didn't even do anything wtf is wrong with my body??

These days while I think about my childhood and adolescence, I'm starting to realize that my parents are the reason for most of my insecurities...but mostly my mom. She's made me feel so insecure about every flaw on my body ever since I was a kid and even now likes to point them out and say "we need to work on that" (which usually means me instead of "we" even though I hardly have the time to invest in my appearance the way she wants me to), "or we need to fix that."

And the worst part is that I'm finding out that many of the body flaws I have are more common than I thought and some of these things are even expected.

Probably TMI so feel free to skip this paragraph: just tonight, I saw my mom spreading a Collagen + Hyaluronic acid cream all over her, female bits and the inner leg areas and crevices. She started saying that she's really dark down there and that she hopes the cream will lighten it up. Then she said, "I know you're dark there too. Have you been working on that? That could be why Dr. _____ scrounged up her face when she had to examine you that day."

Thanks mom, I had felt insecure the first time you brought it up years ago and just recently, I had finally got over that after learning that it's normal for that area to be darker than the rest of your body. Now after your comment, I'm feeling insecure about it again. Then I try to tell her what I had learned about it being normal to be dark down there and that you can get darker with age (especially as a brown woman). She says, "It may be normal doesn't mean you have to accept it--" blah blah. The p*rn industry has really ruined people's perspective about their own bodies. Like, sorry mom, but I don't think rubbing bleaching cream down there is gonna help? And that's probably not even safe.

Some other things (not all) my mom has told me:

Your shoulders are really broad. That's not normal for a girl. It's those pushups you're doing, you're not supposed to be doing that type of exercise, you'll look like a guy

You should be wearing makeup everyday (when I got to college even though I was not allowed to wear makeup until then, despite expressing a deep interest for it in middle school and high school)

We need to fix your back acne. No man will want to touch you (proceeded to invade my privacy in the shower to scrub my back [really hard to the point my skin was sore]. She'll say that I agreed with her because I'm the one that had to call her over when ready, but what other choice did I have? To disobey meant getting yelled at or beaten. Guess what...I still get the acne but not as much now that I'm older. My arms still get it really bad but that's because that's specifically a build-up of skin that occurs from scrubbing my skin too hard...thanks mom👁👄👁)

You need to trim your ____(female bits) to stay clean

We need to do something about your stretch marks

*Points at the pigmentation issue on my arms* Your upper arms are still two-tone. I gave you a cream for that (multiple times throughout my life so far and FYI, the bleaching cream doesn't work much. I've had better luck fading it with Shea butter)

When I was 8: we need to pluck your eyebrows, they're so bushy

When I was 12: Your breasts are getting bigger, are you sexually active? (I said no, but that didn't stop her from forcing me to take a pregnancy test)

You need to wear a bra around the house because your father is in the house you can't just let them hang out like that (even though I get breast pain and my breasts start to sag a whole lot more after wearing bras for extended periods of time)

You need to start wearing skirts and dresses (and also said "wearing pants all the time is why you're dark down there" even though I told her that wearing skirts and dresses was making me darker than pants because I have thicc thighs with no gap. Like imagine how much my skin is sticking and rubbing against each other every time I walk...All that body heat and sweat-> darkening of skin)

You need to get on that treadmill. You need to exercise (not a day goes by where she doesn't mention this, despite knowing I don't have the time for it...and that is mostly because the time frame that I can use the treadmill is only the really early morning period (I have class at this time). That's because it's in the garage...where mid-morning gets really hot and by afternoon, it usually gets around 32°C (90F) and can get higher than 38°C (100F) on some days. And that's without any breeze or airflow, and the garage is full of dust and dirt that clogs my nose to the point I can't breathe, so forget using a fan. Before we moved to this house, my mom promised me that we'd go out to run everyday and that I can join a gym close-by which was in between my drive to school. She convinced me to give up the weight-lifting equipment I was using (for a year) before we moved. The move was about moving to a safer neighborhood, so I was easily onboard. I had gotten so healthy and strong before then. And now it's like all the promises were broken and I'm stuck in pharmacy school with little to no time to exercise while my health deteriorates. I do miss it, I miss feeling super strong. And every time she nags me to exercise, it feels like a slap in the face. I wanted to go to my school's gym but the walk from the parking lot to the gym seems to be pretty long, and as the drive home is already long, I can't risk it. I'm already academically drowning, I can't take much time away from my study time especially now that I have clinical rotation. I've literally been trying to do squats in the pharmacy but can't do much because I gotta focus on my work. And now my knees are hurting from standing for a long time, and they seem to give out every time I stand up after sitting. I don't know what's going on with them. Is it a tendon injury? Strain? A sprain? Random Inflammation? A DVT in both legs?)

Why can't she just let me feel comfortable in my own skin for once? Why is she so insistent on making me into a copy of her? She even has me dressing like her most of the time (minus the dresses/skirts). I don't think I ever dressed my age from the moment I became a teen. Which probably explains why so many older men were checking me out back then (besides the usual creeps)

I'll try to see my school's counselor/therapist and show this to them. I know I wouldn't know where to start had I not written this.

Why must my body forsaken me today..?

Going through puberty again now that I'm nearly 40 is fucking wild. Like, my voice is dropping so fast I keep setting off my own vertigo (which I have bc my child busted my ear drum a few years back). Am I hungry? Am I horny? Well, too bad either way, dude, bc it's time to take the spawn to preK. Don't forget to reapply the icy hot on your way out, my man. *Knees scream*

My daughter is bringing a rented wheel chair over tomorrow. Putting weight on my left knee is very painful, stabbing. Doc can't give pain meds but wants me to keep using the leg/walking. I told the nurse without pain control thats not happening. Fun times.

Screwed up my knee, and now it hurts in bad weather. I’m getting them old bones, and I don’t fucking like it

im tired, im hurting, i need a drink

I'm gonna get those fkn checkmarks. I can see them on mobile. I'm gonna get them, as a little treat. As soon as I remember once I'm actually home again.