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creative-caramel-coffee · 11 months

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Pesky Period Pains

Prompt: Cramping Pain

Pairings: Wandanat x R

Word count: 2.3K

Summary: you had managed to stave off periods but you could only do that for so long. But its very hard to hide things in the compound especially from your girlfriends.

TW: pain medicine, blood, period, cramps, bleeding on the bed (idk if that a warning or not lol), non-sexual nudity, Reader has their clothes removed (not in a bad way though don’t worry … you’ll see), hiding injuries / sickness, slight angst,

A/n whats this? A fic without vomiting for once? Crazy.

Curled up in bed the day had been going well until you realised you took to long to get more of your birth control. Your doctor had put you on birth control in your early teens before you became and avenger, your cramps being too painful for you to function and resulting in you missing a-lot of school. But you ran out last week and your ADHD had been kicking your ass lately so you forgot about the much needed trip to the chemist. Thinking you could just go tomorrow as its not like your period would appear over night. wrong.

Nat and Wanda were training in the gym like they did every Tuesday while you slept in. But when you realised with the first pang of pain in your midsection that it was a little too late for the birth control to stave off the period pains, you groaned. stuffing your face back into your pillow, before swallowing the urge to scream in frustration. you got up and threw on a pad before getting dressed quickly. you were craving chocolate. you could survive the cramps until after breakfast, and you couldn’t take painkillers on an empty stomach.

you had just finished drowning your pancakes in chocolate syrup and were not throwing back the tablets and some water when your girlfriends arrived. Nat smiled widely and came over to kiss you and hug you. “Detka,” you groaned, “your all gross and sweaty.” nat squeezed you in the hug chuckling before planting a kiss on your forehead. Wanda didn’t seem as happy. she sensed your discomfort before she even made it into the door. to be honest she sensed it from the gym, feigning exhaustion in favour of ending training early to check on you.

“what were you doing before we got here?” Wanda asked, hands crossed over her chest.

“making pancakes.” you shrugged, hiding a grimace as it jostled your midsection.

“i saw you put something in your mouth, Y/n don’t lie to me.” she was more concerned than angry but it did come across that way to you.

“i. was. eating. my. pancakes. Wanda.” you grit out, glad it seemed more like annoyance than the fact another cramp had hir rather hard.

“whatever.” Wanda dismissed angrily walking to get herself some pancakes. Nat frowned, normally Wanda was really sweet with you, only ever stern if you were being stubborn. she shrugged at you and followed Wanda to get some breakfast, only having had her pre workout shake so far. you didn’t wait for them, quickly finishing your pancakes and going to take a shower.

the girls frowned at your empty place when they returned and Wanda sighed. “somethings up with her nat i can sense it.”

meanwhile you stepped under the warm water, watching the red circle the drain and letting the heat relax your muscles. when another cramp hit you rested your head on your arm which steadied you against the wall. you didn’t want to risk leaving blood in your shared bathroom knowing nat was see it with her spy training, she noticed everything. Wanda would just freakout if she knew you were bleeding but didn’t know where from. And most importantly you didn’t want to bother them with your problems, feeling you were being a bit too needy lately having been sick the week before last.

you had come back to your old room, the one you stayed in before moving it with your girls. it was still your space. your gaming computer was still here, your switch and all your drawing stuff and tablet. your posters of Percy Jackson and your girlfriends still adorned the walls and the rainbow lights still worked above your desk. the bed had black sheets and you even still had some of your clothes in here. your many sketchbooks sat on the floating shelf by the desk and your blue couch and fluffy red blanket were still in the corner. the 84inch tv, courtesy of tony was mounted on the wall opposite the bed and you had painted a mural of the city scape on the far wall. it was as much your home as the room across the hall. your girls often found you in here during the day either drawing or gaming.

but you hadnt showered in here since moving to sleep over the hall. nat heard the running water as she went past, assuming you had done it so she could shower after her training this morning, she shrugged it off. unusual but not insane.

once you turned the water off you carefully towel dried yourself trying to avoid getting blood on the fluffy towel. getting dressed in fluffy pants and your oversized red hoodie nat had bought you at Disneyland, the one with the big picture of Mickey mouse on the front, you went and laid on the bed. after mindlessly scrolling through Netflix and putting on a random movie you snuggled up. after a few minutes the exhaustion of your body rebuilding an organ wiped you out and you fell asleep.

Wanda carefully opened the door to your room. frowning at yhe sight of you curled up asleep in the middle of the day. this was unlike you. the tv had an action movie playing and the sound of gunfire should have woken you up, but you slept on. Wanda turned out the lights and muted the tv before going to talk to nat.

“I’m telling you nat something’s off, shes been acting weird all day.”

“I’m sure shes fine, shes a big girl wands.” nat sighed drying her hair with a towel.

“i don’t know, you know how it is when shes hurt, she wont tell us even if shes bleeding out on the floor.” Wanda huffed pacing and running her hands through her hair.

“why don’t we go cuddle up to her in bed and we’ll talk to her when shes up again?”

“ok” Wanda sighed in defeat.

after carefully lifting the sheets and sliding in either-side of you nat took the tv remote frowning at the cheesy action movie.

“you cant even shoot arrows like that in real life.” she grumbled putting on something that Wanda would like. a sit com.

still asleep you curled up around Wanda’s leg as she lent against the headboard and ran her hands through your hair.

“she looks so fragile when she sleeps natty.” Wanda cooed

“thats because its hard to be a cocky asshole when your sleeping.” nat teased. but it wasn’t fun without your sharp come backs to quip against her.

“naaattt leave her alone shes cute when she sleeps.” looking down at you she noticed a grimace on your face when you held onto her leg tighter. thinking you were having a nightmare she went to wake you. unbeknownst to her it was just the medicine having worn off and the painfully cramps coming back full force. before Wanda could gently wake you, you shot up, blinking rapidly before feeling the wetness of the bed and shooting off the bathroom to change clothes. Wanda and nat frowned at each-other, you hadn’t even noticed them. nat hopped up and knocked on the door.

“y/n/n? can i come in?” she asked. you froze. what were they doing here.

“Y/n/n?” nat asked again.

“natty… um you should come here.” Wanda quietly said from the bed. she had pulled back the sheets to find a wet bloodstain on the sheets. Nat’s eyes widened almost comically.

“y/n let us in right now.” she banged her fists on the door. just as she swung to knock the door down you opened it, her foot stopping mid air as she tried not to kick you or fall over. at the sight of your bloody clothes she jumped into action. extending your arms with her hands she searched your body before stopping and looking you dead in the eyes.

“strip.” she said. you balked.

“what?”

“you heard me. strip. or i’ll have Wanda use her wiggly woos to do it for me.”

“natty-“

“No.”

“wands-“

“I’m with nat on this one sweetheart. we need to know your ok.” Wanda cooed softly having walked in behind nat.

“I’m fi-“

“if you were going to say your fine we found your blood on the sheets. so we know your not.”

before you were able to reply you were hit with a rather painful cramp that made you double over in an attempt to stop the pain. you groaned loudly and both your girls sprung into action. they knew you didn’t get periods so that couldn’t be it. but the last mission was weeks ago and you hadn’t left the compound without them since. so how did you get hurt? Nat was at your side in an instance. “y/n/n baby where does it hurt?” she ran a hand down your back up and down your spine. you merely groaned in response still hunched over.

“wands I’m gonna need you to-“

“don’t worry it got it.” she replied. before you could think you felt the cold air hit as you were suddenly without clothes. Nat’s eyes grew wide as she saw the red between your legs. you felt tears slide down your cheeks as the girls understood. they had seen you naked before so it didn’t bother you plus you knew you were safe with your girlfriends.

“oh sweetheart.” Wanda cooed, picking you up. “did you get your period love?”

more tears fell as she carried you bridal style to the bath. with a wave of her wrist there was warm water in the tub and her clothes were also gone. gently she hopped in placing you curled up in her lap. nat removed her clothes to show toned muscle and slipped in beside her. it was a big tub, tony was not one to spare expenses much to peppers dismay when she first brought home Morgan to find a car already with custom plates with Morgan’s name on it in the garage.

“tony what the hell is this?” she had asked pointing to the car, Morgan’s carseat in her hand.

“well its called planning my dear wife.”

“planning is writing it out on paper not buying it 16 years early.”

Wanda chuckled at the memory before focusing back on your. she carded a hand though your hair and you whined softly.

“gonna made the water dirty.” you whined “and i ruined my hoodie.” you sniffled “the one you and natty bought me from disneyland.” you cried. nat rubbed a circle on your back knowing this was the work of pesky hormones but doing nothing to invalidate your feelings. Wanda smiled down at you.

“why are you smiling.” you sobbed.

“oh sweetheart do you forget i have magic sometimes.” Wanda cooed

“oh.” you hiccuped.

“its already clean and folded on the bed which has fresh sheets.” she started kissing you all over your face, tasting the salty tears. “and natty and I will buy you ten more if we need to. anything for our sweet girl.”

“even the goofy one?” you smiled looking up with teary eyes.

nat chuckled. they were so whipped for you. “anything you can ever dream of of my love.” nat cooed. “and whatever we can buy with the new black master-card i have from tony.”

“how-“ you were going to ask how but another cramp hit and tears flooded your eyes as blood swirled in the bathwater.

“oh sweetheart don’t cry.” Wanda cooed seeing the water was making you upset she waved her hand and the blood disappeared from the water.

“honey i wouldn’t care if the bath was 100% blood as long as your ok. i would do anything for you.”

“we.” nat corrected “we would do anything for you.” Wanda rubbed circles over your stomach and her fingers glowed a soft red hue in the bath water as she took away some of the pain for you. you sighed in relief at her magic touch.

��and to answer your question, all it took was a little blackmail.” you laughed at her smirk.

“come one love lets get you washed up.”

when Wanda had finished scrubbing your body clean for you, you were too tired to do it yourself. nat dried you with a towel and slipped you back into your comfy and now, thanks to Wanda, clean clothes.

curling up in bed with nat, Wanda returned with food for all of you and a mountain of all different kinds of chocolate and popcorn.

“I vote we have a movie day today.” Wanda proposed. nat smiled at you and brushed the hair from your face, “id love that” she agreed “ what about you Y/n/n?”

“only if i get lots of hugs.” you mumbled in an embarrassed way that made the redheads hearts skip a beat.

“alright then.” wand climbed in beside you and put down the tray of food. “you get first pick Y/n/n” Wanda grinned and nat passed you the remote.

“here you go” you took it and placed a chocolate in your mouth. going to reach for another Wanda lightly slapped your hand away.

“food first.” she chided softly. you pouted and picked a movie. after the first 20 minutes or so you hd finished lunch and were happily curled in the arms of your girls munching chocolate. maybe you should get your period more often you thought. then another cramp hit making you keen softly. never-mind you thought. Wanda ran her magic fingers over you lower back and the pain stopped. you knew then and there your girls would always be there. you were never going to be alone again.

MASTERLIST

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andreabandrea · 2 months

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i think all the time about how hard it is to be a kid even in the best case scenarios. like yeah as a kid you have very few responsibilities and youre innocent etc but i think the thing is that adults (at least in the USA) largely do not consider you to be a human.

i remember when i was a kid, my parents were nice to me and supportive and so on-- i didnt have a bad childhood. but there were times where my dad would just take things from me, or interrupt me on the computer/tv, not because i had exceeded screen time or anything but just because "im the dad and im more important so i can do what i want". i remember how powerless i felt when adults would shout at me, especially if it was over something i didnt understand and/or hadnt been taught.

i remember adults laughing in my face sometimes when i was crying or upset, and i think about this when i see those 'toddler/kid freakout' tiktok videos mocking a child's reaction, even if it is for something "stupid" like they dropped their candy or whatever.

even the most well-meaning adults will often write off your pain and negative emotions as 'overreactions', and this goes triple if youre neurodivergent. i had pneumonia as a child and my doctor thought i was just being dramatic.

your input on things is largely seen as worthless. if your parents want to travel the country in a van, but you want to go to school and have friends and have your own bedroom, they'll just pack you up and take you in that van because you're the child and you're their property. i think about this when i see those 'van life' families, and i think about this as i'm reading the Wavewalker book about the girl who was forced to live on her parents' boat with little to no schooling for 10 years.

if your parents spank you and hit you, largely thats seen as their "choice" as parents, no matter how many studies tell them it traumatizes children. and youre dependent on the adults around you and if those adults suck, or if youre in a bad situation, you have very little to no ability to change that and you just have to endure.

and thats what drives me insane about desantis is that we see more and more rhetoric like "the rights of parents" and "protecting children" but these kids are being told that they do not have rights. its as if people truly believe parents deserve to know everything, even if the child doesnt feel safe telling them. people think parents deserve to control their kids' every choice and every move. but when it comes to protecting kids from gun violence and protecting gay/trans kids and especially kids of color, republicans could not give less of a shit. hell, even the grand majority of democrats barely care.

yes, i get it. parenting is unimaginably hard. the nuclear family is unsustainable especially in today's double-income-not-even-making-rent economy. the world is fucked up. sometimes kids are shitty and it might hurt you as an adult. but kids are not evil, and kids are not adults who are acting with fully developed brains and social skills and empathy and so on and its important to keep that in mind.

on the chance that anyone wants to reply with "well i hate kids :/" look. you dont have to be a parent. but at least be kind to children in your life. let the kid in the park ramble to you about skibidi toilet or fucking whatever. you do owe people kindness, especially children

#bandrea blabbers

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aquaticptato · 8 days

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I had a dream last night that is an actual plausible theory and I want to put it here so I can look back at it when the show either proves or disproves it.

First off, in the dream, Jax was one of the workers for C&A who knew about the circus's development. Maybe he was a programmer, or a random intern, who knows.

Now, Gooseworx said that Jax is going to do something "unforgivable" later in the show. Many people are speculating that he's gonna make someone abstract, aka kill them. But I had a thought- maybe he's not going to do it, but he's already done it and we'll see in a flashback or lore drop? Maybe... he's the one who got volunteers to try out the Circus? Maybe he was the "marketing team," so to speak, who convinced people to come try out this new VR and led them to their doom, even maybe KNOWING what would happen?

Gooseworx also said Jax is the newest member of the circus (besides Pomni, of course) and that he had the worst reaction out of everyone when he realized he was trapped in there.

I think maybe someone at C&A forced the headset onto Jax and trapped him there after something went really wrong, like the project needing to be hidden. A "No witnesses" situation, where the 22-year-old guy whose job was literally to tell people about it was too much of a loose end. Of course, if he was already in the know about the project, he'd instantly know he was f@#$&d, since Goose revealed that the circus members do remember their lives, just not their names.

(I think Pomni then found the headset years later after it was hidden and put it on at the computer we see in Episode 1, which is how this theory is still continuity-compliant. It's also why the headset itself looks old.)

Now, one more thing: I don't think anyone in the circus can escape. I think they're actually trapped forever. And Jax knew this, too, hence his freakout upon arrival.

Why?

Well, another thing Gooseworx posted was a list of warnings about the show. One of them was "corpse portrayal."

Additionally, when answering an ask about whether the show was going to have any major blood/gore, they said: "do decaying dried out corpses count?"

(YES, GOOSE, THEY DO.)

And I'm pretty sure we're all thinking the same thing.

Those corpses are the bodies of the circus members.

Entering the Amazing Digital Circus transfers a person's mind and consciousness into the digital realm. How could a body survive that? Be real here!

So, Pomni is dead. Jax is dead. Zooble and Gangle and Ragatha and Kinger and Kaufmo and Queenie and all the others whose names we don't know - they're all dead and decaying.

Which means, how can their consciousnesses escape the computer when they don't have a body to go back to?

And if putting on the headset really is a death sentence, then hoooo boy... Getting people to put it on even when you know they're doomed would be a pretty unforgivable thing to do, eh?

So, to summarize:

-Everyone in the circus is DEAD.

-Jax is the one responsible for everyone (except Pomni) being stuck in the Circus and therefore dying.

-We're going to see their bodies. They probably all got thrown in a cellar somewhere by C&A to hide the evidence. A fitting parallel to the Abstraction Cellar.

I sure hope I'm wrong, but I can't find any evidence against this so far.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

-Aqua🌊

Edit: Corrected the part about where Goose mentioned the corpses and got a screenshot, which I shall put here:

#the amazing digital circus #amazing digital circus #tadc #theory #amazing digital circus theory #tadc theory #guys am i the next matpat /j #we'll have to wait and see #<-haha get it #cause that's what Gooseworx says a lot #whoa aqua made something

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silentwillowwhisperer · 1 year

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Okay so I counted the total number of notes on all of my posts and came to a grand total of:

839?!?!?

Oh. My. Goodness.

Thank you ALL so so so much!!!!!!! I'm having a mini freakout over here!!!!!

-------------------------------

The MFE pilots and Atlas crew know Shiro as "Captain," or "Takashi" at the friendliest.

They view him as a superior, someone to respect.

Which probably explains why they're so confused about his closeness with the paladins.

Colleen will be speaking to her child about motherly things, and suddenly Shiro will walk over and ruffle Pidge's hair.

Or Veronica will be lecturing Lance about doing something stupid (The other traitorous paladins snuck off and mouthed their thanks towards him for 'taking one for the group.') and suddenly Lance will call out. "Hey Shiro!" before bro-hugging him.

They finally ask about it one day in the lounge when the majority of the Atlas crew and the paladins -even Keith- are all just chilling after a long battle.

Shiro is watching the paladins (read: Keith, Lance, and Pidge) play each other aggressively on the gaming console that Pidge apparently installed into the ship.

Shiro goes to grab them snacks because he's awesome like that.

When he hands said snacks to the three gamers, they all chorus, "Thanks, Spacedad," creepily in sync.

Everyone turns immediately in shock.

Of course, they had already figured out that the members of Voltron are very close with Shiro, but not that close.

Sam Holt feels slightly replaced.

"What is going on? Where is your military hierarchy?" Griffin pipes up.

Shiro is not AT ALL fond of Griffin. Yes, Keith did let the first punch fly when they got into that fight at the Garrison all those years ago, but Shiro will hold a grudge against anyone who dares hurt his baby physically or verbally (and James did both!) and therefore believes that Keith was at least 80% justified in his act of aggression.

WOW, that was a long sentence.

So when Shiro responds as neutrally as possible, it's with a slightly upturned nose and a dignified tone of superiority.

"I gave up trying to stop them a LONG while ago. I've come to terms with it."

Hunk walks in at that moment.

"Hey guys! Are we talking about Shiro's nickname? 'Cuz we gave him a shirt with 'Spacedad' written across it in sparkly letters last year for his birthday that I particularly like."

The other 3 paladins present nod mindlessly as they continue to battle each other virtually.

Shiro gives everyone a look that says, 'See? Totally normal.'

"It's the only way I can keep them in line. They threaten each other saying that they'll call their 'dad' which is me if you haven't figured that out yet somehow, and it actually works most of the time."

Lance snorts. "Yup. Spacedad's gotta do what a Spacedad's gotta do."

Shiro gives him a look.

"Okay I might have to smack you with a pillow for that one."

Lance squeals and wraps his arms around Keith for protection, causing the boy to startle and drop his own controller.

Pidge finally pulls ahead and wins. They jump up and crow out victoriously, "YES! In your FACES you crap-eating WEBLUM FACES."

Keith groaned and leaned back into Lance's chest (because Lance is tryna be sneaky and is therefore taking this as his chance to trap Keith securely in his arms).

"I blame this on you, Spacedad. I have to let Lance and Pidge braid my hair now."

------

I just added Spacedad to my computer's dictionary so that it would stop trying to spellcheck me. This is how you know that I'm truly way too into Voltron. Oh, well.

#spacedad #volton #voltron legendary defender #vld #takashi shirogane #pidge gunderson #lance mcclain #keith kogane #notes of klance #technically klance #klance #griffin is a crap-eating weblum face #no arguments #tawny post

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roebeanstalk · 10 months

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lksdflsdk the cut didn't work when i posted it i didn't mean to spam my dysphoria onto your dashes

cw/dysphoria cw/gender dysmorphia cw/dysphoria cw/body image

i've come to accept a lot of what i look like, but i'm realizing it's only from specific angles.

in the past i've never been happy when i've seen my profile, but that's even worse now

i was doing a test for a work meeting thing on my ipad to make sure it could run it okay, so i had my webcam on that and on my computer - so i saw myself from multiple angles

as long as it's mostly front view, most angles are fine. above, below, and 3/4 stuff. i've gotten used to it, it doesn't really hurt me anymore (other than sometimes revealing a different angle of stubble), or at least not as much

but seeing my profile i just become aware of so many things... things i want to change - that's what i jump to immediately. i want to do the work to be okay where i am now, but this is like. a gutteral feeling.

and i can't tell if it's gender stuff, body stuff, society shame, etc. probably all of it

letting myself vent the negative, this might be mean to myself or accidentally to other people due to internalization etc etc etc: it's like. i feel like a pelican. from my chin to my adam's apple is basically a droop. my neck is so thick. my nose sharpy juts out of my face. my eyebrows are weirdly located. everything is stern and pouty and not in a hot way, in like a pathetic way. like a gross, slimy, unworthy way. like an "i wouldn't talk to me" way. i feel like my face gets swallowed by fat and neck and i just feel so gross. and it all leads down to my body which i have a million issues with, and my hair is so flat and boring and in need of a cut for more style but i also dont want to lose anymore length andsaf osdfjoisafojisa

i just like. i want to feel more okay with myself. i know that like, looking at myself and getting used to it takes time, but it also only goes so far. it's possible that eating better / getting in shape will help with it. but it also might define some of the features even more, i don't know. there's always FFS i guess, but i highly doubt that i will ever be able to afford that. hiiiighly. i'd kill to have my browbone and nose done x_X

i just want to be happy with myself or at least content and not jarring panic freakout and tanking my selfworth everytime i see myself from certain angles

it's exhausting and awful and i haaaate it

and it's easier to just never look at it again

but then, like today, i see it, and i'm like. oh GOD this is all that other people see. they know what i look like. they know what i actually look like, not what i've tricked myself into thinking that i look like. it makes me feel delusional. idk. x_X

osajidfosidafsodfosafij

just rambling to get this out instead of internalizing it lol

#robin chirps #cw dysphoria #cw gender dysphoria #cw dysmorphia #cw body image

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cassynite · 1 year

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17, 18, 20 for Sparrow ?

@dragonologist-phd @angrygoatwoman @trevervaenic Thank you!! Everyone asked for 18 so I figured I'd just put these all in one answer.

16. Your OC’s favorite ability / spell?

Caveat here: my computer hasn't been able to play Wrath without crashing for a Minute and the last time I did play I was not. Very good at the combat lmao. So I'm basing this all on character stuff, I have no idea if these are good tactics or not--

But Sparrow's favorite spell would be Shield! And her favorite ability is the one that lets her put touch spells on her weapons (I forget what it's called lmao). Her fighting style is front-line charging to the front and stabbing with the sword/her magic until it dies, but she can't wear armor so shield spells are 100% required for her. And of course there are the thematic undertones as well--Sparrow is guarded in both her personality and her fighting style.

17. Your OC’s high point?

Uuuh I'd say there are a few. First would probably be mid-act 3-ish--she's got her feet under her, the Crusade is going well, Galfrey's on the way to help fix the Fane issue and she's taken the chance and started her relationship with Daeran. For her personal bacsktory issues she would have at this point confronted Gregoriath and run him out of Drezen as well so she's feeling pretty good about herself! It'll last until Galfrey arrives with a steel chair.

The other major one would be when she chooses to remain an Angel despite Iomadae's urging. She doesn't trust Nocticula, nor does she agree with Areelu, but she feels that she has made this power hers and has until this point mostly gone along with whatever the Good Authority in the room has told her to do. This is her choosing what she thinks is right and it sets the tone for her Act 5.

18. Your OC’s low point?

Battlebliss and its aftermath EASILY. The Abyss in general is just awful for Sparrow--surrounded on all sides by the enemy after being told by your boss that you suck at your job and you nearly get fired for it. And THEN while trying to do her job Sparrow's literal worst nightmare comes true and she's captured as a battle slave.

She had JUST escaped her enslavement and to be thrown back in chains with no solution in sight nearly breaks her. She has a major freakout when she's collared, manages to help Zeklex take control and get her freedom back, and keeps it together just long enough to break down at the Nexus.

Worst of all, her past ends up coming to light as a result of this--before this point literally everyone except for a few select people still thought she was Evaethi Arvanxi. What Sparrow went through was not something she ever wanted brought to light and the experience is humiliating for her. She's certain she's going to be abandoned by basically all of her companions at that point.

20. Your OC’s thoughts on Areelu Vorlesh?

Incredibly complicated. Areelu is just the Architect and enemy for a long time; but learning her exact plan, and about Areelu's family, changes a lot of Sparrow's perception of her. She understands why Areelu did what she did and isn't sure she would have done differently in Areelu's shoes; moreover, she's outright envious that Areelu's child had a mother willing to do so much, sacrifice so much, just to get her back. Sparrow's craved that kind of devotion and surety her entire life.

She doesn't fully realize it until basically afterward, but when Sparrow convinces Areelu she has absorbed her daughter's soul and is at least partly her, Sparrow also believes it--or at least wants to believe it. She wants Areelu to see her as her daughter. Areelu sacrificing herself to close the Worldwound for Sparrow is a relief--not just because the Worldwound is finally closed but because Sparrow never has to investigate her feelings further. Still, there's a pervasive sense of grief and loss she feels with Areelu gone.

Sparrow doesn't ascend in canon timeline because she has too many skeletons that need unearthed lol, but if she had (and she could have) Areelu would have ascended with her and that would have opened its own can of worms!

#cassy answers #trevervaenic #dragonologist-phd #angrygoatwoman #oc: sparrow #thank you all for the asks!!

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asknarashikari · 10 months

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I apologize if I have already sent this... but my computer suddenly lagged and it showed an error in sending the message. but If I haven't, here it is....

----

Soooo Apparently, Sato-san is a 1st Dan Black Belt in Karate. https://twitter.com/fictionalgalore/status/1685304445436116993 no wonder he’s great at out-of-suit fights!

Now I want him and Ikki to have a sparring match!

Wait.. .you know what, I wouldn’t be opposed to a fight between Keiwa and Tsumuri if just to see Tsumuri resisting her kidnapping because Aoshima-san is also a black belter in Karate… Then again, that could paint Keiwa in an even more unflattering light.

I checked his site on his company's page, and it does state he's a black belt in karate, at first dan.

Lmao seeing you go down the Ryuga Sato rabbit hole reminds me of my own Junya Komatsu rabbit hole days... I had so many freakouts over his kendo stuff, stage show stuff, and especially the idol group stuff. I actually died a little inside when I saw a not-so-high-def video of his idol group and I identified him, not by his face... but by his arms. (It helped that he was the only one going sleeveless of the whole group, and he later wore a shirt in his persona's color)

Also, half of the fics in the Kagerou wingdemon series wouldn't exist without my late-night Youtube/Bilibili binges and scrolling down stage show tumblrs lmao. I actually contemplated joining his official fanclub but apparently it's very difficult if you're not Japanese XD

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chaotic-cheese-blog · 1 year

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I dreamt of dialtown! I was really weird and I don't really remember much but oh well.

So first, I opened my computer and suddenly the five "main" characters (Gingi, Randy, Oliver, Karen and Norm) started talking! What they said made no sense bc everyone was talking over eachother but I could differentiate voices occasionally so it was pretty fun to find who was who! Of course, the dream me had a massive freakout about hearing them, so they did.... A thing? Basically, they were jumping all over the place giggling and stimming . Normal stuff.

Then it suddenly switched to another DT scenario where I think I was getting ready for a date with Oliver or something?? Yet he was apparently with Randy and Gingi and so they were coming over too? So it switched to Oliver's POV, where he was driving down a street which had basically anything you could need for a date, a cinema, a restaurant, bizarre splotches of color that mimicked more buildings and the apartment complexe where dream me apparently lived? They were talking on top of each other again but it was a bit clearer (bc there were only 3 voices) it was really nice to hear them actually! (The dream came up with the perfect voices that I hadn't thought of before!!) Anyway, they talked awhile and then it switched back to my pov where I was having a relaxing bath (the bathtub was really nice, I want one like that) when the doorbell rang! Now in real life, this would be something awful and embarrassing. Although if you have a date in less than 5 minutes, you would have the common sense to NOT take a long bath right before. But this was no issue, as when I went to answer the door, the dream basically said "you, stupid, you have clothes now, thank me later". When I opened the door, instead of the trio I saw through the walls (yeah idk either) I was greeted by a stairway to heaven (it looked exactly like this↓)

And then the dream changed to random bullshit that I don't remember but it definitely wasn't dialtown so idgaf

#dialtown #dialtown phone dating sim #phonegingi #randy dialtown #randy jade #oliver dialtown #oliver swift #dream journal #although it's not really a journal is it?#it's more of a... random thought #random thoughts #not art

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werelink · 1 year

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Hey guys, I'm writing a sort of Log Horizon fanfic and trying to motivate myself to keep writing, so I'm posting the first part I've fleshed out. Let me know what you think.

My Guld of Me

Intro

“Did I fall asleep? I was just playing online, I wouldn’t have passed out, but why am I waking up?” I think to myself as I open my eyes and look around. “This looks like a room in a medieval inn, but I was just in my own bedroom. Why am I here? Where even is here?”

I sit up and look around, taking stock of the tiny room. There’s barely room for the twin size bed and a side table. The wardrobe at the foot of the bed would be blocked if the door opened. This room must be an economy build. That still begs the question: what am I doing here?

I swing my feet off the bed and realize that there’s even more that’s not right. My body feels different. I look down to find that my thin hands look a little daintier than usual, and my chest is sticking out weirdly. “Oh my god! Am I a girl?!” The alarm bells ring in my head and I start having a silent freakout. I quickly stand up for a pat down inspection of myself. I always had a butt for a guy, but now I’ve got hips. My chest doesn’t stick out that far, but I think I’m wearing some kind of sports bra. I’m probably as short as I always was, but maybe that won’t be so unusual as a girl. I’m wearing a dress, no scratch that; I’m wearing robes, so at least my silhouette is fairly formless. I’ve got…oh no, I have cat ears.

I try to run to the compact water closet in the corner of my room and instantly bash my hip on the side table. I’ll worry about that later. I look in the vanity mirror and see the same blue eyes I was born with widen in horror as it dawns on me what’s happening. I am incarnated as my Elder Tale character, a cat girl mage.

What the hell? The new expansion isn’t a VR game, and even if it was, this is way too real. I was just playing on my computer, exploring one of the outer towns before the expansion changed everything. I had just bought a room in the inn before logging out, but now I’m logged in hard. Wait, can I log out?

I squint around the edges of my vision and see a bit of the usual UI for the game. I find the logout button after some fumbling, but it’s grayed out.

This can’t be happening. Why am I here? I wasn’t even hit by a truck to be granted this isekai bullshit! I was in the middle of grad school. How am I going to turn in my next paper? I guess my classes are gonna have to wait. I hope my mom is okay. I wanna go home. I need to go home. I Need to go home now. I NEED to be home Right Now.

A text box pops up into my vision. “Casting: Call of Home” and a progress bar fills up. My hands glow and my vision goes white, then black.

I wake up at a table to the sound of people shouting. I look around and I’m in the main lobby of an inn, one I recognize. This is definitely the main city from Elder Tale; I’ve spent a lot of time here, but it’s usually calmer. The room is as crowded as ever, but instead of silent avatars going about their business, real people are scattered around displaying various degrees of hysterics.

I need to get out of here. I need somewhere private, I need my own space. I need my guild house. I had all my alternate characters pool their resources into a house just for me, that’s where I need to be right now.

I move as quickly as I can, stumbling through the crowd as my vision narrows from the panic. I make it to the guild building by keeping my head down, but instead of instancing to my home as soon as I cross the guild threshold, I’m met with a hall of doors. I don’t know how I know where to go, but my feet take me to one identical door of many and my hand reaches toward the knob. As I clasp the handle, a pop up window shows “Big Blue House” and I know I’ve made it.

I open the door with a sigh of relief, I finally have somewhere I can be alone to resume my freakout in peace. I close the door behind me and turn around. All around my living room are half a dozen pairs of blue eyes staring at me, wide in shock just like mine.

#Log Horizon #fanfic #text #My Guild of Me

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drippbat · 2 years

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The Amazing World Of Gumball | Fanfic Freakout

Chapter 1: The Notebook

__________________________________

"Morning Darwin!"

"Good morning Gumball, I had a dream where I was a fish"

Gumball got confused "Darwin, you are a fish... Did that hypnosis video really lower down your IQ?"

Darwin nodded, they both are walking downstairs, dressed for an ordinary Wednesday at Elmore Junior High. Nothing interesting is happening, Gumball making toast and Darwin putting on the cartoons! A couple minutes later they hop on the bus, noticing that Sarah wasn't there

"that girl has been acting weird for the past few days, she's been talking about this fanfiction she's been planning" Gumball said

Darwin was a little confused by his statement "isn't that just Sarah being Sarah? That's all she really is into, shipping people..."

"Don't even remind me of that day. Wait didn't she try making a fanfic about me x reader?"

Darwin death stared the seat "yeah I- GUMBALL NOW THAT IMAGE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD" Gumball laughed, while Darwin was glaring at him

Back at Sarah's room

Sarah had her computer out, and her notebook out. Getting ready to write her fanfiction "A Night Away"

"It was a stormy and rainy Elmore night, the moon was out and wolves were howling as the moon was glowing, so shiny and pretty. A mysterious individual Gumball walked down the street and saw a car pull by, his orbs started to crawl out of the shadows "hey, need a ride?" Rob said, his face glistening off of his facial features. He had handsome Raven colored hair, a black hoodie and lovely black pants-"

Sarah sadly didn't learn her lesson this time, which lead to a badly drawn Gumball in a hoodie just chilling in the streets of Elmore

"why is it NIGHTTIME?"

Anais rushed out of the house

"Something weird is going on, MOM AND DAD LOOK LIKE THEY WALKED OUT OF MS PAINT"

"WHAT?!"

Gumball crossed his arms "wait, you say it like it's a bad thing..."

"BECAUSE IT IS! LOOK!"

They ran inside and saw Nicole and Richard, they looked like crazy monsters, they screamed in agony. Putting their heads on the side of their heads

"WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Wait, Sarah!" Darwin yelled

"I've sworn we told her not to use that stupid notebook for FANFICTION" Gumball laughed

They ran to Sarah's house, Darwin started blushing

"YOUR FACE! IT LOOKS like someone mowed a tomato, ate it afterwards and threw it up..." Turned out this wasn't real...

Sarah was up all night writing her fanfic, her notebook inside of her closet glowed and she jumped. A blue orb surrounded the notebook, it evolved like a Pokemon! She looked inside of it and a note said "Use it, your fantasy might be real!" She laughed and took it out, showing it online

Gumball appeared in bed

"Uh... Did you guys have a dream where our parents turned into monsters?" Gumball said, Darwin went back into the room

"Nope, probably your imagination!" "Why would it be an imagination when I clearly said it was a dream?"

Gumball said, he hopped out of bed. Realizing he slept in his normal clothes. Darwin chuckled silently at Gumball

"Okay Mr. Anais!"

"Hey, being smart is natural!" They finally walked downstairs, realizing they were late

"DAGNABBIT WE'RE LATE, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!"

Gumball screamed, looking at the alarm clock. They ran to school and bumped into Sarah

"Oh hey guys!"

*We don't have the time!" Sarah sighed, whispering in her head "same as always"

#fanfic writer #my fanfic #my fic #fic #fic writing #ao3 fanfic #tawog gumball #the amazing world of gumball #gumball #gumball watterson #anais watterson

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effervescentdragon · 2 years

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Weird writer questions, go :D

1, 4, 9, 13, 17 (SPY AU PLS), 25, 28, 36, 38

18:

How do you do that, Jenson thought as he watched Lewis scrunch his face, then throw his head back and laugh. How do you say those kind of things without even blinking? Do you know how much we love you, he thinks as Lewis pushes Nico back, his hand settling around Nico's waist in a move too smooth and too practiced to be just a one-off. Do you know how hard you push? And do you even care? Do you think we'll always forgive you?

okay im typing this up bcs my computer is too slow for properly doing vocab log and i may have pushed myself into a hypoglycemia inadvertedly so im waiting for sugars to start functioning properly XD

this is weird writers asks, and it got LONG. ask me more tho, i love tinkerbelling :D

i think i answered, imma link it when i find it :D okay here it is. im basic af and blind as a bat, so i just switch to arial and like. 14 xD

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

uhm. not a word, but a phrase. "i have you" or "i got you". i fucking SCREAM.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

ahahaha tbh idk? probably. i think it would be fun, having lil ghosts around. moving stuff taht i dont rmbr moving. i was in love w casper when i was a kid and absolutely believed in ghosts then, does that count?

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

any type of explicit torture, non-con, dub con, abuse and violence that isnt like, movie-like spy murder and stuff. i cant and won't.

easy is inner monologue and angst :) so so easy.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

you asked about the spy au. god. i wish i knew? like, im not sure how the lore works. i know we have criminal syndicates, the bulls and the cavallino rampantes (i take no criticism on this xD) and i know im thinking of a sort of. man from uncle kinda setup? for the good guys, but i dont have a centralized thrush. its vaguely james bond and john le carre inspired also, bcs im a sucker for those, but for other stuff, i legitimately have no fucking idea. it will come to me at some point, and knowing myself, everything will make it into the text. or i will talk your ear off with my worldbuilding. <333

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

i actually had to think about this a lot. i usually make sure to include at least hints in my writings, if for nobody else, for myself. but remembering any of it without re-reading the fics... hmmm. imma answer other questions then come back to this if i remember anything xD

OH I REMEMBERED. in the princess of monaco au, when seb and charles meet in the club and talk, when charles is drunk, seb already has a beginning of a crush on charles. then he makes himself stop, because charles is sixteen, as jules tells him, and he feels like an absolute bastard, so he keeps as far away as possible. thats why later, when they meet again and charles says "i cant go till im 18" seb kinda blanches. enzo isn't that far off in his freakout, but i have to clarify seb would never do anything, in fact he's gonna agonize over it a lote in general, but like. he thought the kid was cute, and he has morals, so he freaked. xD

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

oh it has to be charles in my princess of monaco au. that is my therapy, that's just, idk, i love that version of him so much. he's very. close to my heart there. very close second is the way i wrote aredhel in his brother's keeper. idk why, i just love her there so very much, although she doesn't appear that much? and maybe azaghal in ardent red heartbreak, because, well. it's seb. :) however, lalwen has my heart all over, ngl. her and cirdan are adorable :)))

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

complicated family relationships. being a bitch due to circumstances and as a defence mechanism (khm vielleicht vielleicht sequel). having a legacy. defying the legacy. being fundamentally wrong and having the world swept from under you. fighting not to die. grief. maybe some other things, but those are for anyone who reads the fics to tell me if they noticed something. im in the eyes of the storm. i dont know.

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

i dont think anything i do is weird tbh? i could do with a bit less research that isnt relevant for anything except my peace of mind. i think cats are like. "peasant. heathen. feed me. yesssss-now move. bitch. uwu. bye" :)

aaaand.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

so. THAT. passage. well. i mean. as you may or may not know, i relied on my own personal experiences for that fic, adjusted very much for the appropriate context (as in, them being rich dudes and decidedly not in hs, tho you wouldn't know it). i. like nico. i think i get nico on some level. and nico, he. he pushes, because he's always had to push. because of the legacy and because of the insecurity. because he has to know, if. well. is this going to be the moment where they quit on me? is this going to be the moment when i become too much for them? is this the moment where they say to themselves thats it, im done, i cant take him and all that he is anymore. he's too much for me. he's too this or too that and not enough of modesty and not enough of poise and not enough of effortless beauty and class, like he should be. im done

so he pushes. and he's charming about it. and he waits, because, well. he was never taught that love can be unconditional.

SUGARS GOOD. I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!

#akira answers asks #princess of monaco au #that vielleich vielleicht thing #sebchal #ily stormy <3 #i have the best friends #spy au #gold and gifts reference #f1 rpf #mostly #some tolkien

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softsan · 9 months

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Monicaaaa glad to have you back I wasn't sure if you had deleted your account cuz I couldn't load your page. I had my convocation yesterday (23/9)! Maybe a little emotional but I am so glad to have made it to graduation day 😭😭😭 Pandemic & some terrible workload during my second year had me desperately wanting to drop out but here we are now ✨🎉🎊

It's been too long! 💚😭 No, no, tumblr briefly terminated my account due to a glitch, thankfully I was able to get it back (had a little freakout and have now backed-up everything on my computer).

CONGRATULATIONS! 🎈👏 I'm so so proud of youuuu! I'm sure it felt wonderful walking across that stage to get your certificate. All your hard work has finally paid off! I'm sorry to hear how terrible your workload was during your second semester but you've pulled through. 💪 It's definitely an emotional and life-changing moment. Again, I wish you a big congratulations!✨

#💚anon #ask #i've missed you #celebration time! 🎊 🎉

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bobzora · 10 months

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whoaa hey. sorry to hear about your laptop, your description was shockingly similar to an issue i had a couple weeks ago. the hinge of my 5 year old laptop totally popped out the screen. luckily the problem sounds mechanical rather than electrical, so it may be easy enough to fix. i hope you can find a computer repair shop nearby that'll do it for relatively cheap. i got my hinge fixed for about $180.

thank you… now that i’ve had a little time after the initial freakout and i’ve had a look at it, it doesn’t seem like it’ll be Too bad to fix so that’s good at least lol

#bobtalk #we looked and replacement parts weren’t too expensive at least haha…#i’m just… gonna avoid using my laptop until the issue can be resolved so i don’t make it any worse lol #🫡the earth keeps turning #ask

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himbos-hotline · 11 months

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I follow you and I don't know anything about wrestling and usually when I see someone blogging a lot about something Im not into it annoys me a little bit, but it doesn't annoy me when I see you on my dash and I stop and take time to read your posts cause they're engaging, so if I ever get into wrestling it's probably your fault (positive)

Also i see you post a lot about wanting to interact with people and I never do interact but I want to everytime I see you post about, but Im interacting now, I get being starved of interaction so I hope this gives you the happy brain chemicals, hope you have a good day

heh ive been keeping this in my askbox for a little while mostly because it makes me laugh. Anon im really happy that you enjoy reading through my posts and enjoy seeing me freakout over funky lil people! the special interest really did grab me by the balls and now I can't be released, im stuck in a chokehold lol. if you ever do get into wrestling a bunch people have made like a "enjoy wrestling here!" posts so you can learn and stuff aboutw restling and find what company vibes with you more and what matches you vibe with more, ive made one of those posts- if I find it again, would you like me to find it and tag you in it?

Im really bad at interacting with people mostly because i never know what to say or how to converse and compute what people are saying. Most of the time I also worry and freak out that im annoying or making the person im messaging/sending asks uncomfortable so in the end, I kinda just wait until people speak to me first which isnt like, good but at the same time, I mostly feel more secure talking to people. im also really bad with tumblr DMs because the notifications disappear as soon as I log on so its kinda outta sight doesnt exist kinda thing. So if yall have ever messaged me and Ive never replied- its more then likely because the notification has disappeared and i just...didnt know I had a notifcation in the first place heh

#mouse has pals #anon notes

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

3/16/23

It's 4:15 AM. I just got done with my stream. I started streaming around 11:30ish, I was planning on just doing a quick little stream I guess. "Quick little Rimworld stream." Riiiiiiiiiight...

People... showed up. I got 3 new followers! Some dude came by and chatted and I introduced him to Rimworld and gave him the lowdown, it was really nice connecting a new person to the game. And a guy from my past, from literally a past life (different username, back when I'd get really high and play Wreckingball in Overwatch QuickPlays), he dropped in and reconnected. Literal fucking strangers from 4 years ago dropped by my stream and my "friends", shit... my own brother who also games... wouldn't. I guess that's why they're... ex-friends, eh? Enough mourning that shit, I'll save my grief for those who actually wanted to spend time with me.

Today was just... super different. A very different vibe to it. Like light was shining into my life. Like... I had this golden light pouring into my apartment in my preview cam on Betterhelp today, and it caught my eye. And that feels very symbolic of my day. My new desk came today. It is really cool, it's electric and it saves certain heights, so I can press a button and switch it from sitting desk to standing desk. Super fucking fancy, big thanks to my mom for splurging on that one as a christmas gift that literally just got here. I spent most of the day putting it together and relocating my computer. It's weird having the whole desktop tower sitting on top of the table, but I think I really need to do that... because I don't know how I'm going to have the cables rigged if it's on the floor... so it can still adjust, you know? I don't know, it works for now, that's the important part.

In therapy, I talked about grief. About how I haven't really had the opportunity to grieve my cat the way I grieved my dog, no one to really process it with. And those around me haven't really treated it with the same delicate nature they did when Cerry passed. People near me were thoughtful and gentle then. This time, not so much. At least it feels that way.

I tried to communicate that... like... I haven't really let myself engage with the loss feelings as much with Max. Which sucks. I'm just... very geographically far away from anyone who might even pat me on the back, you know? And it's hard to be emotionally vulnerable in that way... even with myself... when comfort is not available if the grief gets too deep. Like existential-freakout-deep. Maybe I'm reading into that too much. That, in itself, feels like a PTSD response. And I think it is.

This whole "I can't let myself feel sad unless I have someone around to comfort me" thing. Why? Because of Spring/Summer 2019. When I didn't give a fuck. When I didn't let Fear make decisions for me. When I made a blood oath with myself in my Zen garden to never let Fear make decisions on my behalf ever again. And then Fear consumed me, like I challenge the God of Fear himself. Ironically, Phobos is the greek god of Fear/Panic... accompanying his brother Deimos, god of Terror/Dread. Both moons of Mars, and sons of Ares, the god of War. Perfectly natural that both anticipatory dread and frenzied panic would be born of war. And, interestingly enough, I was going to name Maxine "Phobos". That was initially going to be her name, when I originally got her... until I decided it was a bit too dark, and not really fitting to name such a friendly and confident cat as her after Fear itself. I came up with Max as a backup, which just fit a bit better. Then, when the vet gave me an impromptu gender reveal... the name was going to change to "Phoebe", but the name just didn't fit either. And when the vet asked what to put on her records? We went with Maxine, and it was kinda serendipitous that my backup name happened to be androgynous.

I am seeing very clearly now why there are two gods there - panic and terror. They are different feelings, aren't they? Panic being like... being on a battlefield and needing to flee. And terror/dread being... impending doom, anticipation, the unknown, something lurking outside your door. And I have definitely gotten a healthy dialogue going with Phobos. For a while now. And I can stare that fucker in the eyes and have a chat with him now. Much better than before. But Deimos and I, on the other hand...

It seems like that's really my problem. It's not that I'm in the middle of a freak out right now and I want to run the fuck away. It's that I'm scared of putting myself in that situation... and not having the proper tools... or having it go very wrong. And I don't even have a clear image of what "wrong" looks like there. What... I get really sad and my heart feels like a black hole and I cry uncontrollably and I just want someone to hold me and reminisce on how cool of a cat she was... and how hard it was to see her suffer so much... and... there's just no one available to do that with? Like... that's right now. I literally just did that... and the world didn't end... Why the fuck am I so scared of it? Why will I avoid grieving... just to avoid acknowledging that I am forced to grieve alone? That I have no choice but to grieve alone.

I guess it's avoiding that reality.

I connected that intuitively to 2019, that was when I still had a friend or two in the bank. Or at least the losses were very fresh, at least it felt like I had friends in my back pocket. By the end of that summer, I had run through them all. I reached out AA-style to literally everyone. My good friend I met through Minecraft, who I was Best Man for. My college friend who I was also groomsman for. My former best friend in college, whose daughter I was godfather to. Her husband, who I was better friends with than I was with her... My ex-girlfriend from college, the only one I ever really - I typed "loved" and deleted it, I don't think it was love, it was very intense infatuation. Love is mutual. My former best friend from highschool, who was a deadbeat mom of 5 working at an audio company that catered concerts and shit, living with a boyfriend she was clearly using to pay her rent for her while she spent all her cash buying cocaine and fucking local wannabe rappers. (Don't worry, things worked out great with that plan, last time I saw her she was homeless, lost like 100 lbs and was being summoned to court on charges of accessory to trafficking fentanyl across state lines). I even reached out to my old bandmate in college, who used to be my actual best friend... who blew me off time and time again, and that time was no exception. I mean, I reached out to everyone. I even reached out to my most recent ex, at that point, it was probably about 6 months that we had been broken up and she still lived in the same small town. Everyone.

And I struck out.

So... that fucked me up. My panic and dread went haywire after that. Because I learned first-hand that if something bad happened, if I needed a friend, anything... no one was coming. It was a weird transition. It used to be "I don't want to bother them", or "they've got enough going on". Now? Uh-uh. Nope. That anxiety of "shit is hitting the fan, you need to call someone"... that number is getting dialed. Only... there's no number to dial! XD

So yeah. I guess that's a complicated emotion to engage with. And it makes me avoid really big, difficult things... because I know at a very intuitive level that if something goes wrong, I'm on my own. And that's risky. Like... detoxing off of meds. I would actually keep myself on meds I hated, that I really wanted to be off of... just so I could buy time to get someone into my life to create a safe environment for me to detox off. Not just physically, but emotionally. I would just... not detox... rather than detox alone and risk my life or my sanity. Because I've had it go bad before.

But with this... I just... I can't. I have to let myself go there. Like... the dream journal the other day. I hate recording nightmares in a dream journal. I have to make myself do it. I have to force my hand over to grab it and start writing. I want nothing more than to just forget it. But those are the most important dreams. And I keep... forgetting that. I keep forgetting that really important lesson. The dreams you want to forget, that repulse you and make you feel really uncomfortable and disturbed. They're the most important. Maybe not literally, but in their message. Emotions themselves are not bad. They are just different degrees of feeling. Anger is not innately bad. Fear is not innately bad. Depression... well... we're not gonna talk about that one, that's the exception, the rule applies to the rest of it! Grief is not bad. It's what you do with it that determines whether it becomes something harmful or helpful.

And I think I've been stuffing my grief down. And avoiding it. And waiting for a person who isn't coming to process it, to engage with it, to talk about it. And... that is never healthy. Repression is never healthy. Fighting yourself is never healthy. My self looks at the bathmat where my cat was hiding in her last days, and remembers her, and wrenches my heart. My self sees the particles of litter on the banjo case next to my desk that she loved to sit on when I was gaming. And when I see those things, and feel the pain and loss that comes with it... I turn away and say "not now". "I can deal with that feeling later." But there has been no "later" for over a month, nearly a month and a half now. There was no later. I guess... later is now.

And I'll tell ya. It's not that bad. The initial shock of it is kinda the worst part. And I really hate that I'm running from her memory like this, it feels so fucking unfair to her.

Like... picture a ghost movie, right? I fucking love this analogy because it's so accessible. Any ghost movie, take your pick, but like... a true "lost soul" haunted house ghost movie. It's always someone who died unexpectedly or of tragic means. It's rarely granny who passed peacefully in her sleep. They are usually trying to communicate, and really frustrated that they can't. They don't even know they're dead half the time. They're like... stuck in time. And these memories, these visceral memories of my cat on the bathmat and on the banjo case, and sitting in her cat tree. They are my ghosts of her... er... her ghost to me? And they are trying to communicate with me, to interact with me, to engage my memory. The spirit of my cat. The essence, the memory, the remainder. And what do I do with that memory? I reject it. How fucking cruel of me. That poor girl suffered so fucking much, and I reject her memory?! -_- I feel selfish.

I hope I can just... remember. Remember that the first bit is the worst part. That you have to ride that memory roller coaster, and make sure it covers the good memories too. Don't just cling to the trauma memory, or block out all memory to spare the difficult ones. Erasing one's existence is... kinda overkill, and kinda not something kind to do to one that you love. I think, at least. So... I hope to, eventually, get to the point where I can look at the bathmat and go "that's where she hid when she was about to die... but also where she would prepare to jump up on the sink to get water, and where she'd rub up against me when I was brushing my teeth, and sit in the sink waiting for me to turn it on, which she did since she was a tiny little kitten." And that first memory will be painful, but it's isn't the end-all be-all of the thought pattern, it's the entryway to a beautiful tapestry of memories. An access point to her whole story. Not just the tragic end.

Deeply overdue for a vibe reset. The Rimworld playthrough is getting really good. The story is forming itself in really miraculous ways, as only Rimworld can. And I've already impressed several new people with my storytelling, it meant a lot to me. Like... someone told me they could see it as an "actual sci-fi story" that I was writing, which... I mean, technically I'm co-writing, but... like... that's exactly what I'm doing in front of you, bud! XD Good read! It's always very heartwarming and confidence boosting to have someone openly appreciate your skill set. Hopefully it engaged them enough that they return!

I'm going to go to bed, it's past 5 now. I'd say worth it.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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