I’m going fucking crazy

Something on Past! Gyrus and Kodya

desperation sits heavy on my tongue, tumblr user tullipsink / wanna be yours, arctic monkeys / tumblr user twoheadedfawnn / room of swords, webtoon / sharp objects - gillian flynn / tumblr user inanotheruniverse / virginia woolf, letter to violet dickinson / katie maria / tumblr user inanotheruniverse

journey’s end au where the doctor tries to kick everyone off the TARDIS and they just go, ‘???? no?’ and won’t leave. can’t be stupid and think everyone will leave you when they won’t get out of your house.

everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.

but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!

not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.

y'all bandai themselves is assigning me with the apocalymon autism

[ID: A photo of a someone holding a copy of the parallel art of Apocalymon from the Exceed Apocalypse expansion of the Digimon Card Game. The alt art depicts Apocalymon's humanoid body with an intense expression. The card itself is in a gold sleeve.]

we only bought four packs (the first time we have bought packs since 2021) and this was the last card in the last pack

we're getting the whole pizza with this one fellas

I am sick again. This is really negative and super weird so feel free to not read ^_^ I’m going fucking bananas !!! If you see this post. No you fucking do not and I’m actually SO normal and there is nothing wrong with me.

I am not. À jealous person.

Okay actually I am lying I am the most jealous person you will probably ever meet. And it is so ugly btw.

I’m not sure if I even wanna post this because it feels awful to admit but like. Having a popular f/o can realllly suck. It can really suck so hard. Too many people like him and it’s driving me mad.

And this is about him btw. It’s always about him. It’s never not about him.

Like on one hand. I’m so glad that I can go anywhere and there’s a 90% chance I’ll see him at a store, merch is easy to find, he’s in so many games, he’s in movies and tv and videos and art. I see him everywhere. I take him everywhere I go. I’m so glad people are passionate about the same thing I’m passionate about.

But I also can’t stand it. Not at all. I’m so protective of my interests. He’s always been such an important part of my life, from when I was just some hopeless little girl he was all I had and he’s all I have now and he’s so important to me you can’t take him away from me. it feels like You are touching my stuff and you will NEVER understand him the way I do and I literally have no right to feel that way and I’m sorry. But he’s mine. He’s mine and I can’t help it.

I’ve just been feeling so awful recently and it’s like I can’t get away from these ugly feelings and I’m so sorry. But I’ve been so angry. I’m so angry at everyone who likes him and I can’t help it and I’m so sorry. I bite.

I do not expect anyone to get it. I’m not well I’m not healthy and there’s something wrong with me. Blame it on the misfortune of my birth (gundam quote because even when I’m depressed and losing my mind I have to be funny as fuck)

fat girl smiled at me today I AM WINNING AT LIFE 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Feel like face blindness is underestimated as a thing that Completely Fucks Up your ability to socialise and make friends, especially when its combined with time blindness.

Want friends but cant recognise people and have no idea when you last talked to someone?

The only way you can do that is to be in a situation where the same people show up in the same place at the same time, or/AND where said people approach you first and frequently enough to where you can figure out a way to find them that doesnt involve needing to know what they look like.

Oh, you already did that? Well now you have to actually remember they exist and contact them. Regularly. And pretend you care. You wish you did.

Even worse if you're depressed or otherwise emotionally suppressed naturally or otherwise. As a lot of autistic people are. Its not at all surprising no one makes an effort to hang out with someone who never recognises them, never contacts them, and if they do has nothing they want to say and has no response to anything you do or say, and shows no sign they even like you at all.

But people are still really cool. Wish my brain actually wanted anything to do with them sometimes. Would be nice.

infodumping my Haskill Thoughts™ to my mom in my doctors waiting room and realizing yeah maybe i'm not getting out of elder scrolls unchanged in some fundamental way

the good ol "i dont see my child as an individual with their own mind, thoughts, opinions, and unique needs, and instead i see them as an object that i can control and make plans and set up expectations for for without problem or consideration, and if they aren't in the narrow boundaries of what i want them to be, i will act like they have died and talk about how hard this is for ME" special

ah, the specific level of overstimulation where i become convinced that the smallest of social faux pas is grounds for my public execution

the social serotonin is kicking in and im experiencing the excitement of actually posting on tumblr for the first time, this is so fun and I have the uncontrollable urge to word vomit all my thoughts onto a stupid blog what is HAPPENING TO ME

Also its fun to just dump stuff in the tags go read them maybe there's a surprise

exhausted dot png

so how do I reconcile with just having big baby loser brain that decided I'd be mentally ill and perpetually stuck suffering instead of having just dealt with my shit in a more normal way? or is there some neuroscience that can explains that I don't have a cringefail brain but it's actually something else??

i mean. it's shame. shame I feel for struggling with things i consider i shouldn't struggle with, which i guess is kinda stupid bcs when i take a step back i realize it's understandable that im struggling with certain things ive lived through. being stuck in them doesn't entirely make sense, but I'm willing to accept that my past shaped me. not to mention that I'm also somehow kind of constantly going through really hard situations on top of also dealing with my past? but it also all (mental illness and emotional sensitivity, I mean) started with something, and my early childhood was my parents getting divorced.

but I consider that banal, plenty of parents get divorced and it doesn't mean their kid suffers from treatment-resistant depression and ptsd. I guess divorce is so normalized now that i don't consider it a valid thing to be traumatized over, at least not to the extent to which ive experienced symptoms. but I was separated from one parent, always missing one or the other, without any explanation that could make sense to a child's brain about why any of this happened and why i have to suffer because of it. can I get rid of the shame by validating the struggles I went through? would that make me feel better about having been disabled by my life experiences?

Coworker has mentioned multiple times now if my family is ‘on the spectrum’ and when pushed means mentally ill and im like??? Honey do you think im austistic or smthn. Is that what this is? Or are you using spectrum as cathall for neurodivergent???

i have an encyclopedic knowledge of my interests Maybe due to autism maybe in place of things that normal people would have like childhood memories/short term memory/the ability to remember basic things such as my passwords or my full name or phone number etc who could say