little life update?
things have kinda stabilized lately especially with the heatwave over and all the house appliances repaired. I dont have to stress about animals overheating.( it was so bad even the snakes spent most of their time in the water bowls!)
Work wise aha…. the new job has been bringing back the anxiety…. maybe thats only for now since its been a while since I’ve been in healthcare djdhd the switch from not talking to anyone at all to talking so much is tiring. It’s nice that my boss is more open minded though. She lets me keep my undercut and haircolor where most medical workplaces dont allow that. I dont lose part of me just for work haha.
Also the doc gave me meds for anxiety on top of the stuff i already take (augh my wallet) . I think it works though, keeps the bad thoughts away and helps me sleep a little better, but gotdamn it has kick, after an hour , boom dead to the world.
Anyway that is all , I might not be as active in soc meds as i used to and comms will prob be slower than usual since work is gonna wipe me out. I’ll get used to it again though! hopefully…
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for real though that post is so true on the love front i think about it all the time like why is everyone so LOVELESS not even just in like cishetero marriages where they hate each other just in general like platonic too. it drives me craaazy when im exposed to it like why are ppl like this !! why dont you love your friends and partner!! its like everything is a social game that theyre playing just for validation and lacking real connection and its a game where theyre always about 2 steps away from being bitter and hateful towards their friends/lover like STOOOOP! im someone who values love and kindness so much and it baffles me. why do you hate your partner! why do you talk about them like theyre an object of validation! why are you dating someone you clearly dislike! why are u so mean to ur friends behind their backs im cryin. why do you up and abandon them the second you get a partner bc you dont value them over the romantic validation you get. ive always been such an affectionate person at heart and i value what my friends say so much and i always find myself feeling so distant from people in relationships because they just feel?? so shallow?? and distant from me. like i think oh this preson gets me but theres ppl who say the same things how they value kindness and love but its always like, immediately clear they are actually a deeply mean person and just enjoy feeling like theyre 'good'. the way society functions with relationships feels so intensely shallow and i cannot connect to it at all. i love my friends and i love people and i always want to understand them and reach out with compassion and be close to them physically and emotionally speaking and talk a lot and listen to them. however im cursed to live in a world of 1 word responses if any at all and shallow relationships where no one gaf about each other and then i get told i talk too much. hello? *tapping mic* hello? is this thing on? be filled with whimsy and love going forward please. anyway does anyone else feel this way or is it just me feel free to talk about it if youd like
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honestly think i’m kinda burned out and it sucks so bad. i have no brain capacity to read atm so tumblr hasn’t been as comfortable for me lately :(
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well, i definitely didn't have any sort of ~traditionally productive~ weekend, but i did discover a reliable solution to a huge source of anxiety that's been bugging me for a while, so i feel really happy & relieved about that
next weekend i have Monday off, so i'm gonna take full advantage of my three days of free time and do nothing but relax & play video games~
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Made some coffee because I need the boost
Going to go shave off my beard next because I like the occasional clear cut before growing it back and also no one ever sees me so it won’t matter how baby faced I am for the next week.
Going to stupidly retry buspirone later tonight. If you’ve followed my “lore” (and I’m sorry if you have), the last time I tried it over a few days, it only gave me extra anxiety and made me feel hot and incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe that was a fluke. Maybe it was interacting with the antidepressants I had just upped my dose of. Regardless, we’ll give it another shot and if it goes bad again, I’ll just take a couple benadryls, conk out, and not worry about them again.
Okay, I love you.
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Anytime I’m having a frustrating or bad day, I go and sit with my plants, +/- a book and coffee, and I feel just a little better. I still have my garden, my books, my coffee. That’s pretty damn good.
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