Shinobu Mustard Episode 2
011
"You aren't hiding something from me, are you?"
A little girl with golden hair and golden eyes.
The mere shadow of a vampire, or perhaps the dregs of a vampire—in the past, she'd been feared as the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire, the king of oddities, a monster among monsters that lived for nearly six hundred years, by the name of Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade. But her current, completely changed form was now that of Oshino Shinobu, and that was the question she posed in Koyomi's room in the Araragi house.
"Oi, oi, what are you saying all of a sudden, Shinobu-chan? If you're going to doubt me like that, then our relationship of mutual dependence would be over."
"As if! We're in too deep. As you can see, I'm bound to your shadow as if I've been nailed to it, tightly and firmly."
"Now, now. Look, Shinobu-chan. It's the donuts that you love so much, see? It's the Golden Chocolate, see?"
"That makes you even more suspicious, my master. Don't speak with such a wheedling voice. There's clearly something you're trying to gloss over."
She was sharp. Like a fang.
During spring break when I was seventeen years old, the legendary vampire, who had bitten down upon the nape of my neck and enslaved me, had been bitten back by me and enslaved in return—she had become the legendary slave.
However, despite saying stuff like "my master", she did not seem to want to follow my orders at all. This slave was not at all convinced by my well-reasoned and impeccable attitude, but rather seemed to have deepened her doubts.
Shit, Gaen-san sure was asking a lot from me.
Hiding something from Shinobu was harder than hiding something from my parents—she and I had an inseparable bond, with two hearts beating as one.
If anything, it might have been easier to run in headfirst into dazzling battles against vampires, just like my spring break at seventeen, but with a pacifist specialist and moderate strategist at the helm, it didn't seem like we could take the simple approach.
I had to hold Shinobu back until the sun rose again.
I didn't know why I had to do such a thing—I'd asked her during the daytime, "What should we tell Shinobu about this case?" And the answer that Gaen-san came up with while she slept was not to ask for her cooperation, but rather the strategy of keeping her at a distance.
She was totally just being excluded!
Even though we weren't on the topic of the girls' basketball club, it seemed that bullying was still a thing even among evil spirits... Haah, poor thing.
"Don't look at me with such a pitying gaze. Don't send your feelings of pity at me! What in the world happened during the day? Who did you meet?"
"Oi, oi, Shinobu. Do you really think I would do something like going around and seeing other people?"
"I do. You should at least go out and see people!"
"Now, now. Look, it's the Half & Half from Mister Donut."
"Even if you try to sidestep the matter with something like that... Eh? Half of it is a Pon de Ring, and the other half is an Old Fashioned? It's like a donut from my dreams! Panaino!"
With a sidelong glance at Shinobu who began chewing, I measured the time remaining until sunrise—right now, it was 10 pm, so there was still about 7 hours.
I wondered if I could make it.
Ultimately, since Shinobu was bound to my shadow, it was possible to keep her confined as long as I stubbornly stayed put, but it didn't feel right to force her to just stand by.
Even if it was a request from Gaen-san, who I was much obliged to, I didn't want to do anything that could create a crack in my relationship with Shinobu from here on out.
Since we were in so deep, that was something I wanted to continue.
"That's right, Shinobu. There's something about that deeply memorable spring break that I've always wanted to ask about."
"If it's something you've been wanting to ask for a year and a half, why did you not ask it sooner...?"
Shinobu knit her eyebrows in confusion, but it wasn't like I could tell her that it was a question I had just thought up for the sake of stalling for time.
"During that spring break, you sucked out my blood and turned me into an immortal vampire. You remember, right? With you on the verge of death, I said something like, 'Dying like this suits me pretty well, so this isn't so bad,' and chuckled nihilistically before offering up the nape of my neck..."
"Is something wrong with your memory? Did you use it all up studying for exams?"
The truth was that I was crying when it happened.
But, putting aside whether I was laughing or crying, at that point, I'd turned into a vampire... That was what had happened, but I'd learned from Gaen-san at the hospital that there'd been plenty of potential for that to have failed.
It was actually more likely for the creation of a vampire's thrall to fail, she'd said—and with three mummified high school girls having been verified, it was a fact that I fully understood, to the point that it sent chills down my spine.
And in that case, what I'd suddenly become curious about was...
"What would have happened if, at that time, my vampire transformation had failed? In the first place, what meaning does a failure hold to the vampire master?"
"Ka ka. So the time has finally come to speak of that, then."
Including the Half & Half, Shinobu had made short work of the donuts I'd prepared, and assumed quite the haughty attitude—I mean, it wasn't like I was trying to touch upon such a grandiose secret.
"You sure have grown, my master. Not that you'd actually grow, considering you're immortal!"
"Don't just retort to your own joke. And let me grow! I'm not immortal anymore, anyway. Besides, what kind of growth have you shown in the past year?"
Rather than growth, it was more like regression.
Well, going from a beautiful lady to a cute little girl was a genuine regression... But anyway, this question was made for a reason beyond just stalling for time.
If my vampire transformation had failed at the time.
Would I have become a mummy? And, before she was called Oshino Shinobu, would Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade have been able to survive?
For vampires, the act of sucking blood is like nutrients, but if a vampire were to fail at transforming their target into a vampire, would they simultaneously fail in gaining those nutrients?
During that spring break, the king of oddities had certainly said this.
One whose blood is sucked by a vampire is turned into a vampire, without exception—there was no discretion, it was just a matter of eating it all up or leaving some behind.
In other words, in order to prevent the unnecessarily proliferation of thralls, they couldn't leave any behind—would that just be indigestion?
In the end, were the high school girl mummies successes or failures—as the creator, were they failed products unworthy of signatures? It was hard to figure out.
Right now, the vampire that Gaen-san was chasing. With what purpose—or perhaps, with what motive—were they going after the Naoetsu High girls' basketball team members? If we could figure that out, it would help establish a point of reference.
Even if it was temporary, I wanted an additional line.
If the motive was just an appetite for the sake of gaining nutrients, then it didn't make sense for them to leave anything behind, even if it was just a skin-and-bones mummy. But if they were trying to increase the number of their thralls, then it was a series of failures that was rather disgraceful—what exactly was this vampire trying to do?
"To get straight to the point, if you had failed to become my thrall, my slave, then you would have turned into a zombie incapable of any thought. You remember, don't you? That day, when we visited a different timeline and saw a bunch of living corpses."
"Ah—yeah, we did."
I see.
For those cases, the image I had of those immortal creatures was like a humid, rotten lump of flesh that was sticky and squishy, so I hadn't connected them to these mummies in my mind, but now that she'd mentioned it, I had already known about the precedent.
It was surprising how such an intense and memorable experience could be overlooked when looking at it from a different angle—then, going off of the assumption that losing the ability to think and losing consciousness were similar, then those examples of failures... In that timeline, the "Oshino Shinobu from another route" was in a kind of despair, and had no purpose or motive.
Could this vampire also be in despair? A case of binge eating out of despair... Far from stoic forward-thinking or a smart sense of purpose, it could be a rampage of complete desperation.
Well, I didn't know that many vampires to hypothesize a pattern... Like the number of friends I had in high school, I could count them on one hand.
And, as for the span of time I spent as a vampire (though it felt like an eternity to me), it had only lasted a mere two weeks, so I couldn't be counted in that. So first, the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade.
Then, there was the giant professional, Dramaturgy, who came to Japan as a vampire hunter of his own kind, in pursuit of the king of oddities... And yet another vampire hunter, the white-uniformed professional, Episode—well, strictly speaking he was just a half-vampire, but it was fine to include dhampirs in the count.
And finally, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade's first thrall—Shishirui Seishirou...
Four people. Well, they weren't exactly people, so I guess I should say four vampires? In any case, the sample size was a bit too small for me to use as a reference in analyzing the state of this vampire... Well, for a normal human, one encounter with a vampire in a lifetime would be more than enough, but with four vampires (five if you include this one) in a little over a year—Araragi Koyomi's vampire life is truly bountiful, wouldn't you say?
Although all of them were linked to Shinobu—Hm... Well, hold on.
Hold on hold on hold on hold on.
That's right, that was certainly a glaring oversight...
If we were talking about links to Shinobu, then while I had never come in direct contact, I was certainly aware of the existence of yet another vampire.
Though I'd never met them.
I knew.
Though I'd overlooked it.
Without exaggerating—I can say that, if it weren't for that vampire, I wouldn't be where I am today. Because.
"Shinobu. Speaking of which, you've never told me about the vampire that turned you into a vampire—the vampire that's essentially my origin."
"Ka ka. So the time has finally come to speak of that, then."
Shinobu repeated the same line as before, revealing the narrow range of lines that she could think of. And then,
"So the time has come to speak of the death-prepared, death-inevitable, death-certain vampire—the one who birthed me and the one who gave me my name, Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster," she said.
What did she just say?
012
Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster.
Surprisingly enough, it wasn't the first time I had heard the name—or rather, it was a name that I'd just heard that day.
"D/V/S".
Somehow.
With that, I understood everything. No, not everything, but almost everything. That was why Gaen-san had ordered me to contain Shinobu for the night. It had felt like the kind of job that didn't make sense, that I wasn't really sure if it was a job or not—and if I may say so, a rather unrewarding role for how tiresome it was—but that wasn't it at all.
There was no mission that was more important than this.
In the first place, it was because Shinobu had gotten in the way when it came to the resurrection of her first thrall, Shishirui Seishirou, whom she'd once been separated from by life and death, that Gaen-san was forced to make a difficult decision on whether or not to request her cooperation for this case—and even then, this time it was no longer her thrall, but her former master.
Not in the way that she called me "my master" half as a joke and half for fun, but a true "master" in every sense of the word.
It might not stop at just getting in the way—in the worst-case scenario, Oshino Shinobu, who was supposed to be certified as harmless, might end up actively joining the other side. If this little girl, broken down to the point that she'd be in a good mood just from eating donuts, were to once again become the bloodsucking legendary vampire...
A return to the dark side.
Well, because she was such a legend herself, of course there was no way that Gaen-san, the administrator of specialists wouldn't know the name of the vampire that was the source of that legend—the onee-san that knew everything.
Therefore, as soon as the solution to the code was revealed to be "D/V/S", she immediately had a hunch that they were initials.
This completely ordinary town may have had oddity stories occur one after another, but that was when there was no god presiding over it—and now, why was it that yet another vampire would appear so soon, as if mocking the peace that we had laboriously established here? I'd thought it was weird—I'd thought that it could only be an oddity story because it was weird—but if there was a reason like that, then it would explain the drastic change.
If the vampire named Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster had come to visit her former thrall, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade—just like Shishirui Seishirou, who had approached Shinobu to recover the Demon Blade "Kokorowatari".
Well, originally, his case had the implication of him returning to his hometown...
"Hm? What's the matter? Were you frightened? Did you get too scared to ask about what kind of a nightwalker would give birth to a strong, beautiful, yet fragile vampire like me? Ka ka, quite understandable. The story about the lord of a castle of corpses is so repulsive, it can chill your blood. Even I'm trembling with fear right here."
Shinobu, deliberately making a gesture as if to give herself goosebumps, seemed to be somewhat proud of herself—this was a kind of excitement I didn't see often, despite my close relationship with her.
Was it because she was talking about someone even closer to her, with an even deeper relationship? I felt the way I did when I watched Kanbaru and Higasa-chan play around earlier.
It felt similar to when I saw a junior that I was close with speak even more candidly with a friend that she was even closer with—it would be a lie if I said that I didn't want to accuse Higasa-chan of being overly familiar with Kanbaru, despite her being such a capable junior that would actually treat me like a senior in this day and age. Though it was a little different from jealousy.
Thinking about it now, as equivalent thralls, I had definitely felt something close to jealousy when I faced off against Shishirui Seishirou—that had gotten me worked up, and it had also caused trouble for Gaen-san.
Back then, I had gotten in the way almost as much as Shinobu had—however, if it came to her vampire master, then they wouldn't be someone to be jealous of.
That would be like being jealous of your girlfriend's dad... If anything, I would even like to hear some of Shinobu's stories from when she was human, and the fact that Shinobu had something she could speak proudly of would make me happy as well—if it only weren't for the current situation.
If the main character of the oddity story that Shinobu was telling me about so happily was using their poisonous fangs—their demonic fangs—to bite into the female students of Naoetsu High one after another, it would be hard to just listen to her with a smile.
"Well, I'd even forgotten that I used to be a human until I got into this mess with you last year—I haven't seen Suicidemaster in almost 600 years. Ka ka, she was a genuine vampire who lived quite the reckless lifestyle, so I'm sure she's rotting away somewhere by now."
"...Hey. Shinobu. When you say 'reckless lifestyle', what do you mean by that specifically?"
I asked timidly.
Of course, it wasn't that I was afraid of the ghost story—what I was afraid of was facing the truth. Calm down—it was possible that everything was just me jumping to conclusions.
It was something that happened quite often, me jumping to conclusions.
"Indeed. Unlike me, who eats everything no matter if it's an oddity or not, Suicidemaster was quite the gourmet. Once she'd decided upon her menu, she would stubbornly refuse to eat any other food."
Oho.
So basically, if she decided that she would only suck the blood of female students belonging to a certain club in a certain high school, she wouldn't even give other humans the time of day?
"In fact, at the time, Suicidemaster had almost starved to death when she decided to suck my blood while I was still human. Well, I'm the one who let her suck my blood out of pity. Nihilistically saying, 'Dying like this suits me pretty well, so this isn't so bad'..."
"You're saying the same thing I did."
"You can't fight your blood."
I wonder about that. If this continued, then it wouldn't end at just fighting—it could very well turn into a bloodbath... It was in order to avoid this that Gaen-san diverted her policy and took on the formation that had me mark Shinobu...
But, in that case, I would rather not have known that fact... I should have been a college student that didn't know anything, just as the onee-san that knew everything had arranged me to be.
Sure enough, Shinobu, who had been chattering away in a lively manner up until now, suddenly came to her senses.
"...Huh? Why was I talking about Suicidemaster at this point, all of a sudden?"
She tilted her head to the side—oh, crap.
"If I recall correctly, this originated from the question that you asked..."
"Good grief. Not slipping when asked, not slipping when talking, and yet slipping when asked again—I'm always so paradoxical, aren't I?"
"No, I think you just normally let it slip when asked."
Umm.
I'd already run out of the donuts from Mister Donut that I could have used in a pinch—whether he knew everything or knew nothing, now that he had become a college student, Araragi Koyomi could no longer use the method of a kiss to tide things over, like the Italians did. Not that it was any more justifiable as a high school student.
There was still plenty of time remaining until dawn, but just as I'd been backed into a corner, salvation descended upon me.
I heard a quick knock on the door to my room.
"Yes, yes, I'm opening it no~ow. Could it be Karen? Or maybe Tsukihi? Or maybe news that my child was born?"
"What if you opened the door like that and it was your mother?"
"If the news was that my sister had become a mother, how could I not congratulate her? Welcome, I'd say. Or perhaps, happy birthday."
However, when I opened the door, the hallway was empty.
"Over here, oni onii-chan."
A young girl appeared at the window.
"Happy birthday."
013
Ononoki Yotsugi-chan. An immortal falsely similar to a vampire, a doll girl and a corpse doll (this had nothing to do with what we were talking about earlier, but her existence was close to that of a zombie—a physical oddity similar to Frankenstein's monster), and shikigami of Kagenui Yozuru-san, the specialist traveling from a great distance away to return to Japan. And right now, in Tsukihi's room in the Araragi house, she was freeloading as a stuffed doll.
She had taken up the role of a nearby overseer that was monitoring Shinobu and me closely to ascertain whether our certification as harmless was really appropriate, but at the present moment, the young shikigami girl was, to me, a goddess of salvation.
"Wow, if it isn't Ononoki-chan! You came at just the right time. Now, don't hold back. Come and sit down right on my lap. My lap will be your child seat."
"My master, before you say such creepy things, at least retort to the doll girl's sketch comedy technique of knocking on the door yet coming in through the window."
"Please make yourself at home, Lord Ononoki."
"Is she a noble?"
Shinobu looked at me with even more suspicion, but it seemed that she had to lay aside those doubts in order to deal with her natural enemy that had flanked her—so far so good.
Call me creepy or even a degenerate, but anyway, I'd planned on plunging headfirst into bantering about a child seat with a little girl and a young girl as a vivid reminder of my high school days, but...
"Fortunately for me, I'm not so free that I can spend time lounging around on your lap, oni onii-chan," said Ononoki-chan, expressionless and indifferent.
No, this girl (and though I said "girl", she was the tsukumogami of a corpse that had been used for a hundred years) was always expressionless.
Because she's a corpse.
"Thanks to you, even though my employer, the onmyouji onee-chan, is away, I get to keep working. I'm making a huge profit. I'm laughing like, 'wahaha'."
She didn't look like she was going "wahaha", though (because she was expressionless).
"It's the know-how of wahaha."
"If such a know-how exists, I'd like for you to teach it to me."
But Gaen-san had said something like that, too... Ononoki-chan was in charge of a separate case.
That it was important to not sweat the small stuff.
In that case, she really must have just come with perfect timing, as opposed to coming here on Gaen-san's orders to support me in marking Shinobu—in that case, for what reason?
"What? Should I not have come without a reason?"
"Are you a childhood friend? My childhood friend doesn't act that spoiled. If it weren't for Hanekawa's support, she might not have even made it to college."
"I just felt like seeing your chaos, oni onii-chan."
"Don't come to see my chaos [kaosu]. At least come to see my face [kao]."
Although as a matter of fact, her timing was pretty chaotic—though the problem was, that chaos didn't show any signs of ending anytime soon.
"Hup."
Ononoki-chan stepped over the window frame and entered into the room—she wasn't a vampire, so she didn't need permission to enter.
How in the world did she knock like that? Was it a magic trick?
"It's true, I really don't have a reason. I was out for work and I just barely arrived home when it turned out that dumbass Tsukihi was in her room. She's studying or something."
She was such an oppressive and insolent middle school third-year that it was unavoidable for her to be called a dumbass, but I guess she's surprisingly diligent when no one's looking, that sister of mine—since Tsukihi thought that Ononoki-chan was a life-sized stuffed doll, she couldn't possibly enter through Tsukihi's window, so the hard worker had no choice but to return home through the alternate route of using my window.
Then, really and truly, how in the world did you knock like that. Did you borrow the power of the yanari phenomenon? Was it a phantom knock?
"However, it looks like I'm intruding upon you guys. Well, busy as I am, I can leave for the attic or whatever, so feel free to continue your discussion—oh, that reminds me."
While I'd been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to detain Ononoki-chan as she was about to make her hasty exit, she stopped just then to feel around her chest, as if she'd just thought of something.
What did that young girl plan on pulling out from her chest?
"Don't tell me you're going to use 'Unlimited Rulebook' to make your breasts huge!? Stop it, stop it! There are some lines you just shouldn't cross, Ononoki-chan!"
"I don't want to be warned about crossing humanity's K-point by someone like you, oni onii-chan. Here. A souvenir."
"A souvenir?"
Had she really gone that far away for work? Even if Ononoki Yotsugi-chan busied herself with urban legends, with Kagenui-san's absence, I figured her current range of activities would not deviate from this neighborhood.
However, when I took what she offered to me, it was not any kind of senbei or cookies indicating "Just visited ______", and instead, a piece of paper that had been folded ultra-thin.
In other words, it was a fortune slip.
Don't tell me she was trying to make the fortune slip she got at some shrine into a souvenir? Because fortune slips and charms and stuff are hard to throw away? Even as I thought, "I'm not going to accept this if it's nothing less than 'great luck'", I opened it up.
"Well. If it isn't a fortune slip from Kitashirahebi Shrine, where that lost girl works as a god," said Shinobu, taking a look at my hands and saying it out loud to make it easy to understand.
Incidentally, the fortune was "average luck".
Average luck.
It wasn't really clear to me if that was good or bad.
"So when you said you were working, you just went to play around with that lost girl, hm? You should've called me, too."
"I didn't go there to play. New as she is, Mayoi-nee-san is a lost child that rules over this town, after all. If I want to be able to do my work properly, I have to go through the proper channels, or else—"
While Shinobu and Ononoki-chan were partaking in a conspiratorial exchange that may have been friendly or unfriendly, I inspected the fortune slip.
Love—Treat your girlfriend preciously!
Studies—Don't let your guard down! Keep going without resting!
Health—Your mind is really in poor health!
Someone Waiting—You should go and see them yourself!
Business—Being a yes-man is dangerous!
What a high-energy oracle...
With her manner of speech, it did feel a lot like Hachikuji... As for the "Business" fortune, if it was referring to my current role as requested by Gaen-san, then "being a yes-man is dangerous" may have been just the advice I wanted to hear.
It was a good feeling.
This must be average luck for the sake of Araragi, averarage luck—but no.
That wasn't what I should be paying attention to. Well, that was important, too, but what I should focus on was—
"Ononoki-chan. You don't need to go to the attic. Until Tsukihi-chan leaves her room, you're free to just hang out here."
I stood up.
"The child seat and its child are going to go out for a late-night drive."
It was time to go and see the person waiting for me.
014
Hachikuji Mayoi had just been a lost grade schooler when I met her last year on Mother's Day, but now she'd become a splendid god. Even if it weren't for this case with the vampire, I knew it wasn't a good idea to visit her so casually due to her position, and I'd been careful not to rely on her (literally, pray to a god). But it was a different story if she was the one to call me.
Gaen-san had ordered me to keep watch over Shinobu, but she hadn't told me that I necessarily had to keep watch over her at home. Despite her previous offense, it wasn't as if Shinobu had been sentenced to house arrest.
But to deliver a message through Ononoki-chan through not a living message nor a dying message nor anything encrypted but a fortune slip of all things... It was surely something only a god could do.
The Kitashirahebi Shrine.
Built on top of a mountain, it was a shrine with deep connections and karma for me, and for everyone in this town.
If I was Lupin III, I could have simply ridden up the mountain in my New Beetle, but alas, I couldn't go against the Road Traffic Act or my own common sense. So I parked my beloved car at the shoulder of the road, placed Shinobu on my shoulders (my shoulders were also a child seat), and began to laboriously climb up the mountain path.
Due to the aftereffects of my vampirism, while I wasn't exactly nocturnal, I was still pretty strong at night—in times like these, I had no need for night-vision goggles.
"However, what business could that lost girl have with you? Does everyone really just want to see my master's chaos?"
Yes, I was curious about that, too. No, not my chaos, but her business with me—Hachikuji should have learned her lesson (or rather, Gaen-san mercilessly beat the lesson into her), so she shouldn't be behaving as freely as she used to.
She wouldn't just invite an ordinary citizen to the top of the mountain without any business—so maybe she had a few words to say about the serial mummy vampire incident secretly going on in this town, after all?
It was easy to get mad at me for this, but if the origin of this vampire's visit was Shinobu, then I had no choice but to take the blame for it, as her supervisor.
It was a violation of a virtuous supervisor's duty of care. Putting aside whether or not I had any virtues as a supervisor.
To be honest, responding to Hachikuji's summons did make me glad that I could gracefully escape from Shinobu's interrogation, but if what Hachikuji had to say had anything to do with this matter once we finished climbing the mountain, it would be a dead end for me.
A girl at the front gate, and a little girl at the back gate.
I had no choice but to hope that it was about something completely different. For example, maybe Hachikuji had decided to appoint me to sit upon not a child seat, but the seat of a god (in which case, I would humbly accept).
Really, I had no idea where my utterly random life was headed anymore. My life wasn't simply going forward, but hurling itself forward. Without coming up with any ingenious plans, the climb was completed.
Hachikuji was sitting under a waterfall in white clothing.
"Oh, how embarrassing. You ended up seeing me secretly trying to train."
"What part of this is secret? I've never seen anything so blatant. It almost felt like you weren't under a waterfall, but under a spotlight."
When did this shrine even have a waterfall?
Don't misuse your godly powers just for laughs.
She hadn't fixed her free-spiritedness at all.
"Oh dear. So this is not what they mean by a beautiful girl, glistening like the morning dew."
Of course not.
With a splash, Hachikuji made her way out of the waterfall basin... She was soaked completely through, and it was not in the least bit romantic. Her trademark twintails had been flattened against her head by the water pressure, and her white clothing clung to her body, making it difficult for her to move.
That open-mindedness. Truly a god.
"Anyway, it has been a while, Amefurashi-san."
"It's certainly been a while, eternal fifth-grader Hachikuji, but just because you're soaking wet, that doesn't mean you can call your friend by the name of a gastropod mollusk. And you're not sopping wet because I made it rain [ame wo furashita] or anything. I'm sorry if you went and got hit by a waterfall just so you could call me that, but my name is Araragi."
"Sorry. I flubbed it."
"No, it was on purpose."
"I fwubbed it."
"It wasn't on purpose!?"
"Ti debbuwf I."
"Even backwards, it wasn't on purpose!?"
No, that had to be on purpose.
And in any case, it really had been a while since I'd been here, but with the usual exchange that made it feel as if it hadn't been any time at all, Hachikuji and I celebrated our reunion.
"I wanted to see you too, Nobushi-san."
"Who are you calling Nobushi. By anagramming it, you've turned a ninja into a samurai. My name is Shinobu... Wait, am I doing this too?"
"Sorry. I flubbed it."
"Nay, 'twas on purpose."
"I fwubbed it."
"'Twas not on purpose!?"
"I fubwebd it."
"Even anagrammed, 'twas not on purpose!?"
With the girl and the little girl chattering away, it seemed pretty fun. Unlike the world of the animation's commentary tracks, they were heartwarmingly close.
Why was it only in the commentary tracks that they didn't get along? It's usually the other way around.
Well, Shinobu, as Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade, had also been exquisitely enshrined as a god in the past, so in that sense, it wasn't just a relationship between a girl and a little girl, but perhaps a senior-junior relationship as well.
A junior, huh? Hmm.
"Anyway, Anagra-san."
"You're prolonging this, aren't you? If you take what you flubbed and link it to a new way of flubbing, this passage will last forever!"
"Anyway anyway, Araragi-san. The reason I went to the trouble of asking the very busy Ononoki-chan to summon you to this mountain at this late hour is none other than this."
Although I was hoping there was another reason.
"The truth is, there was a little girl I wanted to introduce to you, Araragi-san."
"Oho? It sounds like there are some circumstances."
"If you wanted to be introduced to a little girl without any circumstances, you'd have to be totally crazy!"
From the little girl who showed no intention of descending from her seat atop my shoulders even after we'd finished our mountain climb, I received an elbow to the head.
"To be precise, it's not to Araragi-san, but to Shinobu-san."
"Huhu. It seems you're the one that's totally crazy, Shinobu-chan."
"Don't act so proud of yourself with a little girl on your shoulders. And don't shrug your shoulders, either, it clings. There's a right way and a wrong way to shrug your shoulders, you know."
"D-do you really need to go that far? All I did was shrug my shoulders, though?"
"Now, lost girl. What of the little girl you wished to introduce to me?"
"Yes. Right this way."
Hachikuji went up the shrine road on the grounds and towards the main shrine—and we followed in the footsteps of the young god as they were marked down on the ground with wet, bare feet.
"Yes. Just the other day, there was a lost child that came under my custody... Incidentally, she was naked."
"Oh, a naked little girl [youjo], you say? Who knows if that can be adapted for the anime. It's a fine line to walk."
"It's way out of bounds! Clean it up [youjou]!"
She retorted with a pun.
"Clean up the little girls [youjo youjo]!"
You meant, clean up every important point [yousho yousho], right?
Even if you punned on every important point.
"Anyway, it's out of bounds even in a novel, is it not?"
"And yet, it can't be avoided. After all, we're for social awareness, getting straight to the heart of taboos."
"Not for social inappropriateness?"
But, to be serious, I was a little relieved.
I had no idea who this naked little girl was, but apparently it was a completely different case from the matter that I was cooperating with Gaen-san on—the matter with Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster.
And considering Hachikuji's origins, you could say that taking custody of lost children was practically a livelihood for her.
As long as we didn't run into the novel and stupid development that the progenitor who birthed and named the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire was actually a little girl, and a naked little girl at that, then it seemed likely to be unrelated to this case—and the clock had reached its peak around the same time we had reached the peak of the mountain, so there was about 5 hours left until dawn.
If Hachikuji's child [youji], or rather, her business [youji], was business for Shinobu, then it would be ideal if Gaen-san (and the others) could draw the curtain on the gourmet vampire while she was distracted.
And with Kagenui-san still not having returned to the country yet, it was unlikely that Miss Suicidemaster would be suppressed in a violent manner... In that respect, I was thankful for Gaen-san's pacifist nature.
"By the way, Araragi-san. Don't you have anything you want to say to me?"
"Hm?"
"You have that look on your face."
Wow, even though her career was just starting, she was still a god in the end... For her to read my face, my chaos.
However, I'd decided that I wouldn't consult her about this case. It was different from when she didn't have her position—now that she'd become a god, I didn't want to stick Hachikuji in a dilemma between oddities and humans.
"Ha ha. You don't know me as well as you think you do, Araragi-san. You'll never put me in a dilemma, because I'm always on your side, Araragi-san. As long as I'm with Araragi-san, even hell isn't such a bad place."
As she said those deep words of friendship, Hachikuji opened the sliding door to the main shrine, but as soon as she did so, I felt like I'd been struck by a sense of cruel betrayal by that good friend of mine.
On the floor within the main shrine, as if it was a divine object of worship that had been carefully laid to rest, the naked little girl was indeed a naked little girl, but.
The naked little girl was a mummy.
015
Some might argue that a naked little girl was a naked little girl, regardless of whether she was a mummy or not, and others might argue that naked was naked, regardless of whether she was a little girl or not—of course, some would argue that a mummy was a mummy, regardless of whether it was wearing clothes or not.
Just as a mummy was a mummy, regardless of whether it was wearing a high school uniform or a patient's gown—however, the situation had changed. We were now in the grounds of a shrine at night, within the traditional main shrine that was completely unconnected to electric lights, and that diminutive mummy seemed to fit perfectly there, as if it had been made-to-order.
The stage effects were astounding.
Rather than an oddity phenomenon, it was like I was being shown an important cultural treasure—and though I'd temporarily fallen into a panic, I was brought back to my senses by...
"S—Suicidemaster?"
A small voice that came from above me.
A whisper.
At that moment, with Oshino Shinobu calling Ononoki-chan "doll girl", and her calling Hachikuji "lost girl" even after she'd become a god that ruled over the town, I belatedly realized that it was extremely rare for her to refer to someone by name.
Suicidemaster.
Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster—was it?
"Wh—what a mess you've become!"
"O-oi, Shinobu. What, what did you just say?"
"Hee-yah!"
Could she tell that the mummy was her former master, even when it was all dried up?
Even though Shinobu had stubbornly refused to come down from my shoulders even after we reached the summit, she now placed both hands on my head as if it were a vaulting box, spread her legs out magnificently to the left and right, and jumped wide.
And, in the air, she spun twice around before landing, and then rushed up to the mummy of the naked little girl. The little girl was rushing up to the little girl.
"Whoa! Shinobu, be careful—"
Remembering the bitter experience I had faced in a shack on the side of the road to school during the daytime, I panicked and called out to her—however, what I'd feared did not come to pass.
The mummy didn't stir an inch. If I said it like that, then it sounded completely natural, but... Hm? Instead of the difference between wearing and not wearing clothes, and instead of the difference between a high school girl and a young girl, but as a mummy itself—did this individual follow a different providence?
Perhaps I should've also drawn close to check for this mummy's pulse or breathing, but I couldn't seem to move my body very well... It felt like my body wasn't mine. It felt like I'd actually become a child seat, or even a vaulting box.
"Hachikuji..."
"I'll say this now, but it isn't like I stripped this little girl naked for the sake of Araragi-san. The mummified little girl was naked from the beginning."
Um, that wasn't what I planned on asking or anything...
"Also, she hadn't been a mummy in the beginning."
"What do you mean by that? What happened?"
After reflexively rushing up to the mummy, it seemed she hadn't decided on what she'd do next, as Shinobu had been circling the mummy aimlessly before she asked that question to Hachikuji.
"God. What exactly is happening in this town?"
The question wasn't aimed towards me, but because of Shinobu's unprecedented tone of voice, even I couldn't help but feel nervous.
Even now, the administrator of the specialists, Gaen-san, should have been looking around town in pursuit of the unidentified vampire—so why was that unidentified vampire, Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster, assumed to be the culprit behind the mass creation of these mummies, sheltering away in a shrine as a mummy herself?
She's—sheltering away, right?
"......"
At any rate, there was no longer any doubt that Shinobu and I had long since diverged from Gaen-san's plans.
The prime suspect behind the mummifications had turned up as a mummy—it sounded like that old proverb, "the mummy hunter becomes a mummy", but wait. If it followed the proverb, then the next one to become a mummy would be me.
"Shinobu. What state is that mummy in? That naked little girl? I'm already kind of astonished that your progenitor who birthed and named you was actually a little girl, but that's definitely not what a vampire should look like—is she in a zombie-like condition?"
The prime suspect had become the next victim.
It was kind of like a mystery novel, maybe?
"No. If I had to say it, then this is cryptobiosis."
Shinobu responded with a careful, and marveling, voice.
Though a marvelous god was right there.
Cryptobiosis.
In other words, anabiosis.
The ultimate state of suspended animation used as an emergency measure to preserve one's life, that tardigrades, real, non-monstrous creatures said to be as immortal as vampires, used—or so I'd read in a book.
"It's not like a living corpse, but more like in critical condition... Is that why you called us here, lost girl?"
"That's right. I couldn't exactly have a clean conscience if a foreign visitor lost their life in my area of influence—as for what exactly is going on in this town, I would like to ask the same question."
That's why, for the sake of learning the truth.
Araragi-san, I would like you to procure the medicine that will revive this person—said Hachikuji.
"The medicine—what? Procure it—where?"
Is there a pharmacy in this world that would prescribe special medicine with components that would revive vampires, which are immortal by nature?
"It is not in this world. But, it is in the next world. As you are well aware."
"Th-the next world? Even if you say that I'm aware, I don't think I know what you're talking about?"
"You should be well aware, Araragi-san. After all, you visited it quite recently—it's hell."
It's the Blood Pond Hell.
That was what Hachikuji said—the Blood Pond Hell.
Indeed, it was the perfect medicinal ingredient for the vampire's condition, which neither doctors nor the hot springs of Kusatsu would cure.
016
Hachikuji had said something like "If I were to fall to hell with Araragi-san, then it wouldn't be such a bad place," but it seemed that wasn't just figurative—it seemed that I would have to visit hell once again.
To revive the vampire in a mummified, cryptobiotic state—even though I'd thought of this vampire as the fiend going after the members of Naoetsu High's girls' basketball club, I couldn't help but feel some cognitive dissonance at having to move for the sake of this vampire's health. But it was for the sake of investigating the truth.
Even though I'd regretted that spring break so much, to think that I would mobilize to save yet another vampire on the verge of death... It's bloody ironic, is what it is.
In the first place, just because she was discovered in the same (though not exactly the same) state as the high school girls, it didn't mean that the doubts surrounding her—and whether or not this little girl was "D/V/S"—had been cleared up, but there was no doubt that things were getting into the height of confusion.
It had surpassed not only my hypothesis, but Gaen-san's hypothesis as well—the question Shinobu had asked earlier was probably the same question everyone had in mind.
What exactly was happening in this town?
What sort of oddity phenomenon was this?
...Even an unprepared college freshman like me could tell that the fastest way was to ask "the person herself".
Otherwise, even if Shinobu's progenitor was the one responsible for the mummification of those high school girls, I certainly didn't think I could leave this naked little girl as she was... If I didn't clear things up, I wouldn't be able to even apologize to Higasa-chan, who'd provided me with the list of the Naoetsu High girls' basketball team members.
It was like the type of mystery where a necromancer-like detective called upon the spirit of the victim, but of course, this wasn't as convenient as that.
After all, once again, I was going to hell for the sake of a little girl... And this time, for the sake of a naked little girl, I was going to the Blood Pond Hell.
"But how exactly am I supposed to descend to hell? Seeing as I'm a perfect saint, I can't think of a way to do this."
"If you just play around with little girls or your little sisters as usual, wouldn't you just normally go to hell?" said Shinobu.
Even though she was sealed, because of her nature as an oddity, she couldn't accompany me to hell.
Don't joke about something just because it's not your problem.
Well, it was her problem, too.
The vampire who's like a parent to her was on the brink of death—it seemed she wasn't able to keep up with the situation, and although she didn't give off a heavy vibe, it didn't seem like she was able to keep up her antics.
But what about Hachikuji?
Though she was originally a lost child, she was now a god. I didn't think she'd be able to accompany me like she did last time.
In other words, even though she'd said all that so happily, in the end, she wouldn't be able to act as my guide or navigation, and I'd have to fall to hell on my own—what's with it turning out like this as if there was nothing strange about it, as if it was completely ordinary?
"But anyway, good grief. I guess I have no choice but to go. To my home away from home, hell."
"I was about to fall for you a second time. Don't say something so cool. The last time you were in hell, it was only for an hour," said Shinobu.
"It's an unseasonal homecoming."
"What are you saying, for a college student still living in his parents' home?" said Hachikuji.
Harsh criticism from these girls. Especially to a guy that was about to go to hell.
"Well, putting aside how long you spent there. It's your second time, Araragi-san, so you must be used to it by now."
"I wouldn't say that... But at the time, there was a specialist that would allow me to come and go as I pleased."
Right now, what method of transportation could I use exactly? I didn't know if it would take an hour, but I at least wanted to get back before dawn.
"If you went to hell with such a carefree attitude, even the judge of the afterlife would lose face," said Hachikuji.
Despite being the originator of the idea, she sure was bashing me pretty hard.
"Well, it may be a bit artless, but what about using the same method as last time?"
"The same as last time..."
I searched my memories. Yes, it was the previous academic year, the morning of my entrance exams.
Strangely enough, it was right here, at the grounds of the Kitashirahebi Shrine—at the time, Gaen-san had, with no explanation at all, sent me off to hell with something like a surprise attack.
With Demon Blade "Kokorowatari" in hand, she'd chopped my body up into pieces—that was the means of transportation.
I see, in that case, the original owner of that demon blade that was also known as the "Oddity Slayer" was right here—
"Eh? Huh? Then, am I going to be chopped up by Shinobu? A surprising kind of development that had never been done even during that spring break when I was seventeen?"
"Rather than a development, it's more of an expansion plan. Of your body. Shinobu-san, if you would."
"All right."
Arrangements to slice me up were quickly coming into place—Shinobu opened her mouth wide and thrust her hand deep into her throat.
Though Hachikuji had mentioned it was artless, it'd been a while since I'd seen that circus trick—like a magic trick, the oodachi was pulled out of the little girl's body without a sound, glowing with a mysterious light.
Demon Blade "Kokorowatari". The Oddity Slayer.
"Huhuhu. I've been waiting for the opportunity to rudely beat you up like this. How dare you humiliate me by putting me in a child seat!"
"I-I thought you were happy about it! Why are you getting mad at me now!? What's with that weird 'huhuhu'? What happened to your usual way of laughing?"
"Revenge is a soup best served cold."
"I thought we were at a distance where the soup wouldn't get cold! ...By the way, I've never actually seen you wield that sword properly... It's a bit late to ask Gaen-san for help on this now, but are you sure you can actually chop my organs up successfully like she did?"
"Ka ka. Don't look down on me. It's true that not even in the movie version had I gotten the chance to, but allow me to show off my secret techniques now. Everything was for this moment. To send you off to hell!"
"Aren't you a little too passionate about this?"
"Have a taste of the swordsmanship I honed for four hundred years! I'm warning you, this won't just end with your organs being chopped up. My Seishiryuu has seven secret techniques—"
First Technique: "Kyouka Suigetsu".
Second Technique: "Kachou Fuugetsu".
Third Technique: "Hyakka Ryouran".
Fourth Technique: "Ryuuryoku Kakou".
Fifth Technique: "Hika Rakuyou".
Sixth Technique: "Kinjou Tenka".
Seventh Technique: "Rakka Rouzeki".
"—And, unleashing the seven techniques simultaneously, Seishiryuu's final secret technique, 'Shichika Hachiretsu'!"
But at the moment where I wanted to retort that she'd gotten through the whole song and dance, I may have been torn to smithereens.
017
In my third year of high school, when I'd been fighting with the aftereffects of my vampirism (or perhaps fighting against it), I'd gotten rather used to the idea of dying.
In hindsight, I had relied too much on that vampiric immortality, which had remained pronounced even after I'd returned to human form. In other words, I'd been dependent on it.
I'd become addicted to death.
In the end, even though I'd managed to hit upon that one-in-a-million chance of returning to human form, I had found myself spontaneously turning into a full-fledged vampire, even without my blood being sucked—it was kind of like a rebound, or perhaps I was just an idiot who didn't learn his lesson.
The reason Gaen-san chopped my body up into pieces and dropped me into hell was to separate my soul from that immortal nature, that oddity nature, but thinking about it now, maybe I was about to make the same mistake again.
Just as I had grown accustomed to death.
If I ended up growing accustomed to going to hell—then saying that it was fine because it was my second time, or that I'm used to it... Those wouldn't just be jokes.
Ougi-chan would laugh at me, saying, "How foolish you are", while Oikura would get mad at me, saying, "You should just die".
Anyway, so this fool that didn't learn his lesson would once again reach out his hand and step foot into a tour of hell that could shatter mankind's view of life and death—
"...Huh?"
When I awoke, or perhaps when I entered into eternal sleep, I found myself in heaven.
Heaven.
Or maybe it was paradise, or the pure land, or perhaps Eden.
There were many ways to describe it, but anyway, the fantastical landscape that sprawled out before my eyes was completely different from the one I had seen when I'd last been sliced up, and it was one that I had never seen before... What in the world?
Normally, I would describe it as a beauty that could not be painted, but the scene—this landscape filled with light—looked as if I'd entered into a painting. Or, to put it another way, I had only seen such a scene before in paintings.
If I had to make use of my poor vocabulary, well, I guess I could say it was a beautiful example of Mother Nature... But the impression I got was more, "Is it okay for someone like me to be here?" I felt really out of place.
Out of place, and just wrong.
As if I'd accidentally wandered into the jewelry area of a department store.
With rolling green plains, a mountain range with distinctive ridges far off in the distance, and not a single cloud in the beautiful blue sky—the trees were lush and ripe with fruit, and the flowers were in full, multicolored bloom.
Even the air was delicious.
I wasn't a hermit that could live off of breathing mist, but it felt like just by inhaling, I could add a hundred years to my lifespan... Although, far from extending my lifespan, wasn't I supposed to have lost my life after being cut into pieces?
Wasn't I supposed to have fallen to hell?
"Urk... So basically, instead of falling to hell, I messed up and went to heaven? Ah, jeez, this is a problem. I guess whoever's watching is watching what I do on a regular basis."
"That's exactly right. You aren't as bad of a person as you think you are."
In order to break out of my confusion and break down the current situation, I tried to calm myself down by muttering something stupid (my self-control technique—surprisingly effective), but to my surprise, even though I'd thought no one was nearby, a voice spoke from behind.
Someone caught me talking to myself!
Normally, I would've ended up writhing in shame, but the gentle voice, as clear as (or even clearer than) the air around me, calmed me down as opposed to agitating me—I turned around.
The fact that there was a naked beautiful woman there did not make me lose my cool, either.
After a naked little girl, a naked beautiful woman.
What a series of events.
However, just like how the naked little girl was a mummy, the naked beautiful woman also had a third condition—or rather, more strictly speaking, I couldn't determine if the naked beautiful woman was a true beauty or not.
Because the beauty was wearing a demon mask.
A demon mask... To expand it into more words, a mask with a demon's face.
An adult woman that was liberally nude, but whose face was completely hidden by a mask... After finishing high school and entering college, I'd had a hint of hope that my life would become more adult in the future, but it had proceeded to become more adult in a strange way.
Not just lewd in the way I had hoped, but erotic and grotesque in an Edogawa Ranpo sort of way.
"......"
However, was it just my imagination?
That adult woman... That masked, fully nude beauty... I felt like I'd met her before. Even though I couldn't see her face, I could see her long, long blonde hair coming out from behind her mask, and her beautiful body lines that made her seem as if she was closed in a thin robe, even if she wasn't wearing anything. I felt like I had seen her before...
"I apologize for the way I look, Araragi-sama."
Oh my.
Though I didn't say it out loud.
I wasn't sent into a panic, but I was honestly not sure how to react to the gentle voice coming from behind the mask... Was this person someone I knew?
Was that even possible, considering where we were?
Since she had a demon mask, maybe this was hell after all? Was she one of hell's tormentors? If you hit the books, you'll find that hell really is full of diversity, encompassing every possible variation... Among those, there might even be a hell where a tall, sexy, naked, blonde, buxom beauty wears a demon mask and tortures the dead.
"I'm embarrassed to have appeared before you wearing a mask."
She seemed more ashamed of hiding her face than of exposing her nakedness—well, I'd suspected her of being a tormentor of hell, but this beautiful woman, like the landscape that stretched out behind her, looked like a woman that had been depicted in an artistic painting, and there was not a sliver of guilt or indecency anywhere on her body.
Or rather, I even felt that this landscape had actually been made for the sake of this beautiful woman—that was how much her naked body shined.
Perhaps, in actuality, if she hadn't been wearing a demon mask, the eyes of someone like me would have been blinded by the brilliance... Ah, is that why she's hiding her face like this?
So that her beauty wouldn't hurt me—her beauty?
"P—Princess Beauty?"
"Yes. There are those that call me by that name. But while you are here, I would like it if you called me Princess Acerola."
That was what she said.
That was what she—before she was Oshino Shinobu, before she was even Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade—Princess Acerola, a literal beauty who had destroyed her country with her unparalleled physical and mental beauty—said.
That was what the beautiful woman in heaven said.
018
"We are in heaven, so being without clothes is more natural. It is the natural order of things—if I may be so bold as to suggest this, it would be more unnatural for me to be clothed, as you are right now, Araragi-sama. Why not undress as well?"
"Should I? All right."
"Please do not decide to undress so readily."
So which is it?
But it was true that, if I were to be so brazenly nude, it would make me feel wrong—but "Princess Beauty", Princess Acerola.
I remembered.
Strictly speaking, I had never actually met this goddess before... At least not in this world, in this actual world.
I won't exactly go into the details because it wasn't something that actually happened, but in the period of time after I graduated from Naoetsu High and before I entered Manase University, I crossed through the looking-glass and was honored with an audience with "Princess Beauty".
Her beauty was such that it made me want to die just by facing her—even then, we'd only spoken with a curtain between us, but I'd nearly ended up killing myself, just as the people of the kingdom she destroyed had done.
"Well... I guess you could say I am convinced. 'Princess Beauty'... Princess Acerola, I could not possibly complain against you being a resident of heaven."
Uh-oh. My tone of voice was already getting weird.
That made sense.
I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't just a resident of heaven, but the queen of heaven.
Despite the great expanse of these plains, there was no one else in sight, so it was possible that Her Majesty had already destroyed heaven as well... Well, I was only joking, though.
Anyway, there was nothing unusual about Princess Acerola being in heaven... What was unusual was that Araragi Koyomi was here.
Just as Hachikuji and Shinobu had explicitly and implicitly asserted, I myself had decided that I would go to hell if I died—but then, what was I doing, ascending to heaven?
"That is because I invited you here, Araragi-sama."
"Ah, I see. So it was something like that. That makes perfect sense."
"Teehee. Oh, Araragi-sama, that wasn't something that should've convinced you so quickly."
It was a highly sophisticated retort accompanied by a pleasant laugh.
Considering she was going along with my antics, she wasn't just beautiful and kind, but a good person as well—but, "teehee".
It was worlds apart from that little girl who would laugh, "ka ka".
Was this person truly the predecessor to that insolent, inhuman girl?
"...Just like how I was separated from my vampiric nature and fell to hell. Princess Acerola, six hundred years ago, when you transformed into Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade, did that beautiful soul of yours that 'died' end up separating and ascending to heaven?"
To force an analogy, it would be something like that.
I couldn't tell what her expression was behind the demon mask, but the naked human body was a surprisingly eloquent thing—by moving her body, Princess Acerola affirmed my guesswork without even needing to open her mouth.
Or rather, this goddess seemed to inadvertently be posing while talking—I'd heard she didn't like it herself, but it seemed that the unintentional beauty of her gestures had seeped into the marrow of her soul as well as the marrow of her bones.
I couldn't lose to her.
Time for a slightly peculiar conversation.
"However, what may have been the reason for you to so graciously invite a humble person such as myself to this place..."
"...It seems the demon mask isn't enough. Araragi-sama, please lend me your shoes."
"Okay. As you wish."
Princess Acerola took the sneakers that I respectfully offered her and put them on her feet... The naked beauty was wearing men's sneakers with a demon mask equipped.
That slight hint of discomfort brought me back to my senses.
Suddenly [俄] brought me back to myself [我].
Considering the addition of that 'person' radical [⺅], it was a scene that made me wonder about my status as a person.
At the very least, I didn't think heaven would grant me a visa.
"Why did you call me to heaven, Princess Acerola? I needed to visit the Blood Pond Hell to get its water, that is, its blood..."
"Instead of discussing such things, please forget everything and come with me, Araragi-sama. This is a recreation of my birthplace."
She was a good person, but she truly was a princess, going on at her own pace... She entered into a review of the landscape.
A beautiful princess's review of a beautiful landscape.
"My birthplace happens to be the first of many countries that I brought to ruin."
"......"
Countries.
The first of many—it was a weighty statement.
And, as a siren-like beauty, she was the first, and most likely, the last.
"I am not sure how to respond to that qualification. I may have to resign myself to it—not to mention, it's possible that someone among your friends could become something similar in the future."
Hm? Who could she be talking about?
If it's one of my friends with influence on the level of countries, then I can only think of Hanekawa...
"...I'm not sure if the idea of a country being destroyed by beauty really makes sense to me... Princess Acerola, are you sure those countries weren't destined for ruin anyway, even without you there?"
It may have sounded like I wasn't really thinking about it, but I couldn't keep quiet about it... There was no need to take on everything as her own responsibility—as unlimited liability.
This didn't have to do with the girls' basketball team's collective responsibility, but the princess's back was far too dainty to bear the burden of all that—however, dainty as it was, it was by no means so frail that it would break if you touched it.
I knew that very well, because she was naked.
You could tell, that back was very robust.
"Even the prosperous inevitably decay. No, every beautiful thing will die someday—is that what you wish to tell me? Araragi-sama. If that's the case, I must say that I have been too greedy in obtaining eternity by having my blood sucked by Suicidemaster."
Princess Acerola's shoulders drooped. Her beautiful shoulders.
That's right—the legend of Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster that Shinobu had told me had been quite biased, and although she had told me this and that, on and off, about the vampire's character, she had barely touched upon the specifics of how "Princess Beauty" had become "Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade"—how "Princess Beauty" had become the "iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire".
Did she perhaps do that on purpose?
Or maybe she forgot about it because it was six hundred years ago—normally, an event so important would never be forgotten, so it would usually be interpreted as her just being reluctant to speak of it... But this was Shinobu, after all, so forgetting about it was totally possible.
She was so lax that she may have forgotten that she was once human, over the course of that long life of hers—after seeing me wishing to become human again, she'd said it had reminded her of something she hadn't thought about in a long time.
...I wonder what she was like back then?
I'd heard of the story when Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade had been enshrined as a god, just as Hachikuji was now and Sengoku had once been in the past—and when she gave that up and continued to be a demon. But what state of mind had she been in when she turned from a human into a vampire?
Had she ever thought that she wanted to be human again?
Or perhaps—had she quickly forgotten about when she was human?
As I'd mentioned earlier, I had to finish my business quickly and come back to life, so I didn't have time for a picnic with a naked beauty. But seeing as I'd suddenly gotten the chance to have a question-and-answer session, I couldn't help but want to ask a whole bunch of things.
For now, I'll try asking one thing. The most important of them all.
"Excuse me. If you do not mind, would you please deign to inform me of the size of that ample bosom of yours? Ah, this isn't for anything indecent. I simply wanted to bequeath to you a gift of lingerie."
"Araragi-sama. Asking that of a woman you've just met is not exactly praiseworthy. I do have the awareness that it was just a joke to lighten the mood, but I think you should refrain from saying things you will regret ten or even twenty years later."
She reprimanded me normally. Reprimanded by a princess. A naked princess.
When in front of a princess at the level that could make me kill myself due to being made aware of my own diminutiveness, it was less a joke to lighten the mood and more a technique for my own survival—however, I'm probably the only person that would take care to not kill themselves while in heaven.
"I—regretted it. The fact that I lived."
"......"
"I should have died. Before I even met Suicidemaster."
At first, I thought that she meant that she didn't want to be a vampire, that she wished to be human again, just like me. But when she continued, I realized that she meant the exact opposite.
"For that reason, I ended up placing a heavy, heavy burden on Suicidemaster."
This princess. She didn't regret having her blood be sucked.
She regretted making her suck her blood.
To this day, not a day has gone by that I haven't regretted my spring break when I was seventeen, when I helped and fought against vampires. But I don't think I had ever regretted it in the same way she did.
"And so—even while I knew it was an outrageous act, I couldn't help but pull you up as you were about to go to hell for her."
It seemed the conversation had circled back around.
Well, for a princess who is not only beautiful in appearance but beautiful in mentality, she surely would not display any self-centered conversation skills, even if she did go at her own pace.
"If the me that has become your partner, the me that you know, has forgotten all about the me that is right here, then that is not because the six hundred long years of her life has worn those memories away, but because she hated me, hated me to the point that it couldn't be helped."
"...Is that also regret?"
No.
She'd avoided even regret itself.
That's why—she made it as if it never happened.
She'd convinced herself that she'd been a born vampire.
If she was a vampire with the astonishing technique of physically tinkering with her brain to recover lost memories, then perhaps even the opposite was possible.
"Indeed. What I regretted, filling myself with regret to the point that I might burst, was not that I had become a vampire, but that I had been a human before that. That I had been a princess—that I had been myself."
"To the point that that chest of yours might burst—"
"Araragi-sama."
She stopped me just by calling my name—it seemed that even these rude jokes might end with me killing myself.
Now that I was in my first year of college, I wouldn't do anything like get flustered by the naked bodies of women, but at the same time, it felt like it would be even ruder to be all composed and unwavering in front of a nude woman behaving in a dignified manner.
It seemed to me like my etiquette as a gentleman was being tested.
"And so, that must be why I was separated from my soul, and this half-baked soul of mine was sent to heaven—a fitting punishment for me."
A soul where even heaven was punishment.
It was difficult for the average person to understand that feeling, but it seemed that, just as Oshino Shinobu and I held an inseparable bond, so did Princess Acerola and Suicidemaster—so much so that they had to be separated.
When Shinobu had been reminiscing, she'd spoken of her master with such ease that it was hard to believe that they held such a fierce relationship, as if she was like a college student talking about a senior from her hometown (a common occurrence—how envious)—so, essentially, she'd forgotten why she forgot, and she'd forgotten why she wanted to forget, forgetting everything altogether.
It sounded stupid when I put it like that, but when I saw the separated Princess Acerola in front of me like this, it wasn't a laughing matter.
"I'm sure you are here because you've accepted it, and I don't have the intention, nor the qualification, to console you, but isn't that something you shouldn't be worrying about...? Because, after all, vampires are destined to suck blood—"
"I can say this only because I have been a vampire myself, but a vampire sucking blood does have a different nuance than, say, Mr. Lion or Mr. Bear attacking humans."
Mr. Lion or Mr. Bear?
Why was she acting like a fairytale princess for children for just that?
"I think it is unreasonable to talk about vampires who prey on humans in the same vein as carnivorous animals. Though I am glad to hear you say such words."
"No... I'm sorry that words are all I have."
No, maybe I'd said too much.
It was possible that I really didn't have the intention of consoling Princess Acerola, and while I was acting like I was talking to her, I was really talking to myself.
It wasn't something to worry about.
But I should still worry about it. For the rest of my life. Or perhaps, for eternity.
"However."
Said Princess Acerola.
"If those points are to be considered similar—then it would mean that I had ended up changing the ecosystem of endangered animals. And that is, perhaps, an even greater sin."
"......?"
What did she mean by that? Ecosystem?
Before I could question the meaning of that monologue (which I couldn't just let pass, seeing as I was more or less majoring in the sciences), she continued. "It may be too late now, but I want to help Suicidemaster, even if it means protecting an endangered species," she declared.
She declared, beautifully.
"That will not lessen the weight of my sin, and it is possible it will only lead to my regrets worsening even further. But even so, I intend to do what I have to do."
What she has to do.
What she has to regret.
"I can no longer turn a blind eye to the present situation, and leave Suicidemaster in the state she's in."
The naked little girl.
Well, the nakedness wasn't relevant—the mummified little girl.
The mummy that had dried up so much—it was hard to even look at.
"—Basically, Princess, it wasn't that you were trying to prevent me from visiting hell in search of a cure, but that you saw me about to descend into hell, and thought, 'He isn't that bad of a person.' And then you pulled me up for the sake of saving Miss Suicidemaster, right?"
"Yes. I truly do not believe you are that bad of a person, Araragi-sama."
Even her honesty had a virtuous beauty to it.
It was to the point that I wanted to introduce her to the members of the Pretty Boy Detective Club, who I had befriended the other day.
"If I were your friend, I think I would recommend that you take a leisurely trip to hell at another opportunity."
If the princess who destroyed countries was going to recommend a vacation like that, then it seemed I would have to reevaluate the way I lived. But in that case, I would gratefully accept her support.
If I could, I would borrow even the help of a cat (though the Araragi style of doing things was "I would borrow specifically the help of a cat"), but if it was the princess herself offering her hand, then I couldn't not kneel down and kiss her.
"You said this was a recreation of your birthplace, Princess Acerola—um, can I find a Blood Pond Hell in heaven, too? Somewhere that's fairly close by, and easy to procure from—"
"There is no Blood Pond Hell in heaven. There is none in this world, in the same way there is no place here where either me or Araragi-sama can belong."
I was told something pretty terrible.
But, well, of course... In that case, it would be the Blood Pond Heaven. I couldn't help but imagine a Blood Pond Heaven as something sumptuous and immoral.
It didn't seem heaven-like.
So, if she didn't invite me to a haven where I didn't belong to recommend a cheaper generic drug with the same effectiveness but at a lower price...
"Could it possibly be that we were off the mark this whole time? Are you warning me that ladling out a cup of medicine from the Blood Pond Hell won't be the wonder drug to revive Miss Suicidemaster like we were thinking?"
Well, it wasn't the kind of treatment you'd find in a "Family Medicine" book... It had been a suggestion from none other than Hachikuji Mayoi, not only a god, but also someone who had had experience in hell.
To put it one way, it was like folklore that had been thought up by folklore; to put it another way, I may as well have been trying to go to hell to pray for rain.
Like a meaningless sacrifice, or a sacrifice chosen by lottery...
"No, no, it is not like that at all. As a treatment for Suicidemaster in that state... Yes, it would be Ultra-C."
She'd worded things in a way a youngster like me would get... Unfortunately, there was a significant margin of error, but I was glad for her concern.
"The Blood Pond Hell, a soup simmered with the karma of people, can act as a health drink not just for Suicidemaster, but for any vampire in the world... However."
That person surely will not drink it.
She surely will not accept it.
That was what Princess Acerola asserted.
"Because she's a gourmet. An epicure, and a high-class one, at that—she will never consume anything that doesn't go along with what she wants."
When she said that, I remembered what Shinobu had told me about Suicidemaster's personality.
She would only eat the lives of whoever she killed herself.
In that way, she was quite the stoic vampire.
"The Blood Pond Hell, if you will, is a buffet of sorts, filled with the blood of people in every possible variation. Do you like buffets, Araragi-sama?"
"Huh? Well, I guess."
The buffets that I was familiar with were mainly the sweets buffets that I was taken to by my girlfriend, but the glamorous party-like atmosphere was very exciting.
In that case, perhaps I could expect a similar sort of placebo effect from the Blood Pond Hell—however.
"Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster prefers service a la carte."
Said Princess Acerola, continuing the analogy.
"The idea of that new god was rather flexible, and I would value it as rather original. However, in this world, there are some patients that refuse to accept rational treatment—there are some that refuse to even see a doctor."
People that wanted to die naturally, huh.
They didn't want to live long to the point of defying their fate—well, that also concerned the matter of euthanasia or death with dignity, so it wasn't something that a youngster like me could talk about lightly. But there were certainly people that thought that way.
"A youngster, you say? Please don't abandon that thought, and keep thinking about it. You already have the right to vote, after all."
And why are you so knowledgeable about the state of Japanese politics?
Is everything we do, including right now, completely transparent to heaven? In that case, does that mean that the princess knows the truth behind this incident?—I nonchalantly tried to fish for information.
"If Miss Suicidemaster is such a gourmet, or rather, such a picky eater—then she's likely to be biased towards the targets she attacks as a vampire, right?"
For example, high school girls. More specifically, the members of a high school girls' basketball team.
"I would like to ask you not to probe for information. The fact that I could arrange this point of contact with you is not exactly commendable in itself."
Oof. It was a little hard to press for information if she told me that directly.
Or rather, I was pretty embarrassed that she'd figured out I was trying to probe for information.
"No matter what, I will always be on the side of Suicidemaster. It is like testimony from a family member—please consider my words to be unreliable."
"......"
"However, it is not that I know everything about this, either... The only advice that I can give you, Araragi-sama, is that if you wish to obtain the wonder drug that will become the nectar for Suicidemaster, then instead of getting it from a drink bar with variations of blood, you should extract that blood from someone that has been carefully selected."
For example.
For example, the blood of someone like me.
With that, "Princess Beauty", the completely nude princess, raised a hand to the demon mask upon her face.
Huh? Was she going to take it off?
Why now?
"Please close your eyes."
Being asked to do so, I finally (even though it should have been the first thing I did when I saw an adult woman in the nude) closed my eyes.
Because of her brilliance, an ordinary person would be blinded if they looked directly upon her countenance—that was how dangerous it was to look upon the beauty of "Princess Beauty".
She knew that from the very beginning.
That's why, even in heaven where exposing your body was the basis and nudity was the dress code, she appeared before me wearing a demon mask—so then, why was she suddenly trying to take off the mask now, without any context?
"That is, of course," the princess said.
I couldn't tell for because I'd already shut my eyes, but she must have already taken off her mask, for the sound of her voice had become even more beautiful—that muffled sound that came from behind the mask was gone.
And that voice was extremely close.
I had no idea when she had gotten that close, to the point that I could feel her breath.
That beautiful voice was coming from a distance where our lips were almost touching each other.
"If I am still wearing a mask, then I cannot place my lips on top of yours."
"Wha?"
"That was the reason why I asked you to close your eyes—"
I didn't understand what Princess Acerola meant when she spoke to me in an admonishing way, and though I opened my mouth to ask what she actually meant.
She shut me up with a kiss.
12 notes
·
View notes