A colleague in their 20s came up me (40s) earlier and asked if I was good with tech and if I could help reassemble their ear plugs that had fallen out and broken open. We kind of got them back together and she said she wasn't that bothered if they're trashed cause they're ajute.

I said what was that ajute?

After she said yeah I asked what ajute meant. She said like a knock off. I got excited and asked where that slang came from, is that what the kids say these days, is it short for anything?

She just kind of looked at me and said its short for duplicate. She was saying a dupe not ajute 😭🤣

i feel like tumblr is a good place to call out to autistic bitches so. does anyone happen to know how i could find a waterproof light that isn't flashy or multicoloured or horrifically bright for showering purposes. dim-ish warm light is all i can really tolerate but idk if there's a version of that that'd survive in a small bathroom with dodgy ventilation that gets very wet

fellow autistics who have a hard time w liquids but need electrolytes, what brand do y'all use (either mix-in's or premade drinks)? like yeah I can push myself if I absolutely have to but I'd rather not feel on the verge of gagging every time. I know there are flavorless mix-in's but are they *actually* truly flavorless?

actually I keep thinking about Carmy having like, auditory processing issues bc he visibly gets stressed out when a bunch of people are talking (which like, mood, and also shdjdhsj that is such an ironic trait to have as a chef isn't it-) and asks people to repeat themselves/repeats questions a lot bc it's like he's just. not getting it. tbh i think the best example is in ep7 when Syd walks out, like the first few times he's yelling across the kitchen at her what's going on it doesn't sound like disbelief or whatever, it sounds like he's straight-up not hearing/processing what she's saying. idk just rewatching ep3 when Richie and Sydney are shouting at each other and Carmy yells at them to be quiet and it made me think about it again

I think I hauve autism

i bring a "enough autistic people have asked me if i am autistic or assumed me to be autistic that i am starting to wonder if there's something i should look into there or if it is just all the other things" kinda vibe to practicing facial expressions in the mirror and being alone with my thoughts in the bathroom

every day for the past week I have become inexplicably more and more interested in quilting

A lot of us with ADHD are familiar with the concept of time blindness, but for anyone who isn't: it's a neurological inability to have a consistent sense of the passage of time. If you put me in an empty room, gave me a button and told me to press it when I think it's been 15 minutes, I might press it after..... idk, anywhere between 3 minutes and 2 hours? And if we repeated it the next day the result would probably be wildly different!

But something I've only seen mentioned in one (1) Reddit post, which took some extensive digging to find, is the same effect extending to ALL things measured in numbers. Distance, weight, length, height, amount, space, volume, percentage... For me, small numbers are a bit easier, I could approximate a centimetre probably, but a metre would be much harder and 10 or 100 would likely miss the mark by a lot. Also, anything that can't be easily measured with a ruler or a measuring tape (like weight or volume) is even harder since I don't encounter reference points (like a 1kg hand weight) for those as frequently as I see visual representations of specific lengths.

It's not dyscalculia or anything like that, I'm decent at math (and the OP of the Reddit post was a math major) and I have no other difficulties with numbers, it's just a disconnect in translating real life experiences like sensory input into numbers (and possibly also inconsistent processing of sensory input? Like how the same sound volume is okay one day but hurts my ears the next?), which I think is basically the same thing as what happens with time blindness. For now I've been calling it "measurement blindness" since I've never seen a name for it anywhere, but maybe "quantity blindness" could also work?

I've talked to other people with time blindness to see if they experience this too, but so far none of them have known what I'm talking about. I'd really like to know how many of us are out there and if anyone knows literally anything actually scientific about this very inconvenient phenomenon!

Tl;dr: bc I am wordy:

It's like time blindness but for all things measured in numbers

Not dyscalculia or caused by it

Pretty much never seen it talked about anywhere

Please tell me if it sounds familiar and/or you know something about it, thank

Disability Swag Summit 2!!

The Swag Summit is back!

Now with some improvements.

I’ve added different categories to display and represent a wider array of characters and disabilities throughout the competition.

Also, since my goal is representation, you can submit any character with disabilities as major or “minor” as you want.

Also, head canons and coding are allowed, just mark them as such in the form.

The categories go as follows:

Motor

Here go characters with movement disabilities, like paralysis, missing a limb, or not being able to coordinate your body. Here go people with club foot, Parkinson’s, flat feet, dyspraxia, tic related disabilities, cerebral palsy, paraplegia, amputees, mobility aid users, etc.

Visceral

Here go characters with disabilities related to their internal organs, endocrine system, immune system, amongst other systems inside of your body. Disabilities in this category may include asthma, autoimmune disorders, allergies, chronic pain, diabetes, PCOS, fibromyalgia, IBS, skin conditions, amongst others.

Sensory

Here go characters with disabilities related to their senses, be it sight (blindness, colour blindness, cataracts, astigmatism, photosensitivity, etc), touch/pain (CIPA, Hyposthesia, Dysesthesia, etc.), hearing (deafness, being hard of hearing, etc), smell (anosmia, phantosmia, etc), taste (Ageusia, Hypogeusia, etc) or a combination of different senses (like synesthesia).

Speech

Pretty straight forward, disabilities related to speech, be it selective mutism, speech impediments, full on mutism or other speech related disabilities.

Physical differences

Catch all term for people who were born or developed some sort of physical difference. Idk if it counts as a disability, but we’re looking to represent as many people as possible here so. Here go people who are missing limbs, visible organs or pretty much any body part, people who use prosthetics, people with extra body parts (that are actually not normally supposed to be there, don’t fill this category with bug people and aliens) people with deformities, scars, conjoined twins, little people, people with gigantism, etc.

Neurodivergent

Since different types of Neurodivergencies overlap so much, I feel like separating them would make my job 10 times more difficult, so I decided to lump together Cognitive, Info-processing, Psycosocial, Learning, and other mental disabilities. Here go characters with Autism, Dementia, DID, Schizophrenia, brain damage, PTSD, OCD, Tourette’s, dyslexia, etc.

Other

Those who do not fit under other categories, be it because I forgot, because it’s not really categorizable or because it’s a fantasy disability (if the fantasy disability is close enough to one of the other categories, put it there too for good measure).

And finally

Rules!

1- No real people. Live action characters are fine, but I feel kinda uncomfortable putting actual real living (or historical) human beings here. Maybe you can submit a disabled real animal if you want, but no people.

2- Preferably positive or neutral representation, please. As in, I rather not see blatantly ableist media represented here, there’s better representation out there, but if you really have to, I guess do whatever you want.

3- Be civil. This is for fun and not to be taken seriously. If you manage to spark drama or harassment out of this silly and fun competition, you are going to the dungeon.

4- Don’t make submissions in the asks. The asks are for questions and propaganda, make your submissions in the form.

5- Propaganda is allowed and highly encouraged! Either share it in the asks, at @eddies-disability-swag-blog or tag it as #disability swag summit

6- Should go without saying, but, like, bigotry is cringe, so, like, don’t do it?

Anyways, here’s the form! Submit away!

The Form will close on December 25 (May be earlier or later depending on the number of submissions), so make sure to submit your blorbos by then!

Hi....

So I know you get a lot of these questions, but I'm at a loss.

I don't know if I have autism (haven't been officially diagnosed but the boot fits-) and I definitely have ADHD, and a ridiculous amount of social anxiety.

I've started a new social thing in my life that requires me to constantly get thrown into social and overstimulating places. Like way to much talking people. I get sort of... Disconnected? I don't know how to describe it but I pretty much mask blindly until I get home where I can actually feel something again.

Sorry if that's a lot but idk what else to call it.

I have a trip coming up this weekend were I will spend all day in a large group of people, then an overnight with them. It's going to be hell.

I've tried fidgeting and mental distractions but nothing i've tried has worked.

Any ideas?

Sorry again for asking this but you advice is good and idk who else to ask...

Greetings, anon!

Your experience is valid, even if you're not diagnosed. If the descriptions fit, they fit.

I relate to getting disconnected when socially (& sensory) overloaded.

For most of my life, I didn't know I was autistic & I learned to cope by dissociating subconsciously & masking heavily. I even got encouraged to do it when I told a therapist that I try to pretend I'm someone else or that I am somewhere else when I'm stressed.

Long story short: it CAN be beneficial, but it can also be a devil in disguise.

I have two questions for you:

Did you actively choose to do that exhausting & very stressful social thing & if so, WHY?

Do you have an idea why fidgeting didn't work? Maybe you can find other ways of stimming? What do you catch yourself doing in terms of "repeating behaviour" which is a symptom of autism - that is usually self-stimulatory behaviour & that is what regulates you & keeps you "sane" if you want to call it that

As for the trip: Try to be as gentle as you can with yourself.

It's okay to voice your need for a break & you deserve to have breaks even if the others don't seem to need them.

It's okay to not be able to socialise all the time & you are allowed to share that with the people you'll see.

Also: There is no need to hide yourself.

I hope I was able to provide input, feel free to reach out again!

Additionally: here is something about unmasking

i saw ur reblogs and i hope it’s okay to send this but tactile is common w schizo (and i think ocd actually, maybe also autism idk it’s all disordered sensory process) and can feel like a lot of things from what i’ve read/experienced. but lately it’s been bugs crawling on me, that’s been a p consistent one my whole life. or Things In My Shoes That Aren’t There is a new one now…. i have no idea where tf that one came from. but hallucinations can affect all of the senses. i’ve also been having one that has to do w a nasty smell, i really am just gonna undiagnose myself i think

I havr always have these things I called body and brain quakes where it felt like electricity shot through my body but not in a painful way just a non organic way if that makes sense?

I got a 14 page diagnosis in which it said I had schizophrenic tendency so yea probably should've admitted more to the doctor me thinks lmamo

Body sensations are weird and not always bad but are rarely pleasant

I'm sorry if anything I did or said was offensive I've just like had a reckoning

been spinning my wheels again about whether or not i'm autistic

it would explain. so many things. and i feel like a lot of my experiences make so much more sense with that lens of processing the world applied to it

like at this point i've got over a decade of scattered research and reading trying to figure this shit out, including results from a smattering of self-report assessments where almost all of them place me in the autistic scoring range

but more recently all that's brought me to like. the emotional intensity of the autistic experience seems like a pretty crucial piece of the picture and i don't think i really meet that?? things like, i'm a highly empathetic person, but i don't think it's autistic high empathy, not debilitating like my high school friend who once started crying because i was describing an animal video to them. i have a hard time crying actually, it's something i do very infrequently. that's just one more specific example but just like in general, from what i can see the burning overwhelming intensity of emotion is kind of a really big part of the autistic experience, and i don't think i'm there, or at least not there with enough regularity for it to be like A Thing

and like i don't think i've ever had an experience that would fit the description of an autistic meltdown, or an autistic shutdown. i mean, maybe some of my experiences could fit into descriptions of a shutdown, but idk if the same intensity is there, and even if it is the frequency seems way too, well, infrequent to qualify. anything that might fit the description of a meltdown i think would be much better described as just a plain ol' emotional breakdown. and along the same lines i don't think i've ever experienced what would be called sensory overload

like even as a child i don't think the slipper fits on this stuff, i was perhaps a bit more emotionally intense than my peers but not like my autistic childhood best friend was, i didn't even really have tantrums that could have been mislabelled meltdowns

but there's so much other stuff that just makes so much sense. [i had a whole huge paragraph here but i've cut it and put it under the readmore at the bottom to cut length]

there's more. it's a lot. i've been adding things to this paragraph for at least 20 minutes now, maybe closer to 30. like there's a very good reason that i am still on this research thread after so many years. i just can't shake that i could be reading it all wrong

like all of the stuff i talk about causing me stress or whatever, i'm getting the sense that it's not with the same intensity as the autistic experience of that stress. like it really stresses me out yeah, but like. not enough maybe??????????? and that's kind of the thing with most of these traits i guess, i'm questioning whether i actually experience them with enough frequency and intensity that they would fall under autistic experiences

and like, i'm not going to seek professional assessment, because even with a diagnosis i don't know what that would do for me as an adult. the accommodations i got in school for my chronic illness covered any time i needed accommodations for brain reasons while i was in school, not like i plan on going back. and idk what i could even ask from a professional working environment

and at the end of the day if i'm not even seeking that what does it matter???? like can i not just exist as i am and keep using the tools that help me regardless of whether or not i may qualify as Diagnosably Autistic? i guess it all comes down to like, i don't want to water down what autism means by calling myself autistic if that's not really it. it would just be really nice to know why these things are hard and know there's a community of people who understand that. it just feels like if that's not it then what have i been doing wrong? if that's not it what am i doing wrong?? bluh

the childhood bullying and being confused as to why people didn't like me, the intense social anxiety in high school, struggling to start and end conversations that don't serve a logistical purpose, difficulty maintaining or initiating small-talk, how fucking hard it is to maintain friendships especially over time and distance, forgetting to fucking talk to people lol, literally all of the close friendships i've ever had being with people who are autistic or adhd or both, all of those people looping me in as neurodivergent without me even saying anything about it, my ex who said that when they were confused and frustrated trying to figure out what the fuck my deal was and complaining to their mom the two of them would use autism as a lens to talk out what the fuck my deal was and it was genuinely very helpful lmaooooo, my general inclination towards just telling the truth and how stressed i get about lying and dishonesty, the 'picky eating', the chewing the shit out of my lip, constant fiddling with my clothes and jewellery, being a 'high-energy child' (my mother's words) aka hyper bouncing off the walls, the specific noises that made me cover my ears and run away as a child (ripping up the bathmat and the sound of the vhs rewinder going really fast), the amount of stress i feel in unpredictable situations or when plans change unexpectedly or when i'm not prepared for a situation, how untethered i feel without some semblance of routine, the empty state of my brain when plans change and i don't know what to do with myself lol, how stressed the thought of not being in control of myself or being in an uncontrollable environment makes me, my systematizing and sorting and categorizing and organizing, when i learned what even numbers were as a child and immediately thought "those are my favourite numbers because they can be divided neatly", how i often speak in fractions and percentages, my attention to detail and noticing small details others don't (and sometimes having to pretend i don't notice things so i don't come across as 'nitpicking' or 'creepy'), researching and researching and researching for the smallest decisions, being overwhelmed with excessive options and just shutting down and not doing anything, general excessive indecisiveness, my god the fucking 'procrastination' on school assignments and communications and fun things that i would like to be doing, my 'literal' reading of school assignment outlines and surprise at seeing how classmates could twist the assignment and still do very well, my multi-year intense interests such as the sims 3 and homestuck and animal crossing, the fact that even when i play the sims i forget to make my sims talk to people until i realise their social meter is really low lol, how i lost so many things as a child, how if i don't have a written prioritized to-do list i tend to just faff about aimlessly and forget everything that i need to do and/or not get most or all of it done, the genetic factor of it running in both sides of my family

I love how the Bad Batch fandom has collectively agreed that Tech is autistic. But am I the only one who strongly feels like Crosshair is too? Like the fandom is even like Tech and Cross are twins so even more closely related to each other than any other clone brother.

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not officially diagnosed but am in the waiting process for it but my therapist tells me there is a very strong possibility of me being on the spectrum (with what was formally Asperger’s syndrome but please let’s not debate the usage of that word that’s not what this is about but I think Crosshair is on that side of it too)

I just think they’re on different areas of the spectrum. Maybe it’s just me projecting or reading too much into things. BUT. While I relate to Tech and just the way he is, I just understand Crosshair more. I don’t “get” people. I come off as cold, uncaring, my sarcastic dry humor (that’s usually just an observation but people count it as humor?) doesn’t land well sometimes. Just being more quiet, reserved almost, soft spoken, but definitely opinionated af and will get defensive about said opinions. Dude has some sensory issues for sure (light seems to be a huge one for him. He wears his helmet the most, next to Tech. And maybe it’s just his ✨enhanced sniper eyesight✨ but a lot of light genuinely seems to make him uncomfortable). He also is the least verbal of the group. Again that goes back to mentioning being “the quiet one”.

Idk I’m really bad at putting what’s in my brain into actual convey-able thoughts but. I can’t be the only one who thinks this? Just as someone who has always been the quiet one who struggles with almost everything socially I see so much of that in Crosshair. “Good soldiers follow orders” but also having an issue with authority when it seems arbitrary and stupid (the empire, especially after the end of season 1 and going into season 2). Rules and regulations exist for a reason and should be followed except when they don’t make sense is something that I function and live by and seems like Crosshair does too. He struggles to convey his emotions and feelings like tech does, but just a little different. And I get it. It clicks with my brain. He makes sense.

Crosshair being on the spectrum just. Makes sense.

Thank you for coming to my shitty unorganized TED Talk.

(1/2) hi. So i have to talk about the delicious toxic relationship between Way and Babe that series has served us. ( let's remove Charlie out of equation for a while).

True that everyone says it's because of Way manipulation powers their real friendship turned toxic. But I feel even if we take out Way superpowers out of equation for a while, their friendship was always toxic. And very deliciously toxic.

Hear me out, it's because Way is depressive person who isolates himself leaving no room for anyone to reach out to him.

I'll get back to this point later, but before lets go to beginning when Way was in Tony house. After Pete left ,Tony must have gotten crueler and dumped all the abuse on Way, making sure to keep this only enigma in his full control. How did Tony ordered Way to go impregnate Babe? Surely it couldn't be a just one sentence order like' go get this man and bring me baby'. 🙄 We know Tony manipulates all his kids with love and emotions, until he loses it finally. So wouldn't Tony have constantly manipulated a teenager Way into that there's a special alpha who only belongs to Way and Way only and he should go get him if he wants happiness in his life. ( in ep 1 Alan advices Way to confess, Way answer seemed like he really believe Babe will eventually come back to the person to whom he really belongs). So doesn't that mean even Way feelings for Babe are manipulated and planted in his head from beginning?🤔 I have no idea. This is so fucked up. But I do believe Tony successfully made Way believe in all those years that if he wants to get out of this trap, Babe is the only key.

For now lets go with general consensus that Way does approaches Babe with a purpose, but he starts caring about Babe and Alan for real as the time goes. (Reminding you again that I have taken Way powers out of equation for a while bcz this character has too many layers for me to understand in one go. )

In those flashbacks it seemed Way and Babe were really happy together achieving their dreams. And they WERE happy. I believe while at some points Babe bared his past, his pain, his traumas, his dreams to his friend, Way listened to all of it and was always there for other. ( The motivation behind this bcz of mission or bcz he genuinely interested in babe already or bcz he's kind of person who listens. Maybe all,maybe none. Idk.) In ep 1 Way says if he doesn't know everything about Babe then who else. And it's TRUE. Way really knows very much about Babe bcz he has always paid attention to other's emotional needs and felt a connection with him while in process. And that's why he fell so deeply. ( bcz love is exactly that, when we feel connection with someone). No matter if it's friendship love, or romantic love or just affection.

But ..but, what about Babe? From those flashbacks i feel Babe also felt something for Way, in beginning, even for a while. How could that love starved, super sensory guy not notice how much someone was caring for him? But could he form a connection with other on deep level to say it's love? No, he couldn't. Because unlike Babe, Way is isolated, depressed person who finds it difficult to share what goes through his mind. Unlike Way, Babe doesn't really knows anything about Way because Way never really allows anyone to come close to his actual real thoughts and feelings.

Surely Babe must have tried in beginning to get closer to other on same level, to listen about Way past,his problems. But couldn't as Way pretends to be all okay. So maybe with time Babe came to conclusion subconsciously that Way has no same emotional needs or problems, that Way doesn't need same care from him. Without that connection, Babe felt no romantic spark was there in between them and put those feelings under friendship.

Way has his own huge baggage too. When Babe felt loved with Alan and Way cuz he was honest, Way himself was always ALONE even in company of Babe and Alan, as he was trapped in his own mind. Those precious moments which only meant happiness and familial love for Alan and Babe, in them sure Way could forget about his initial lies for some moments but the tinge of guilt always stayed there preventing him from feeling full happiness.

Way gave his all, constantly but never thought of taking or couldn't dare to. But he does needed help. A lot of it actually. And that's when relationships turns toxic bcz healthy relationships are about equal give and take. We saw it in series many times, whenever Way has some problem with other,he never confronts him directly about it, but he mopes in corner, alone. ( Way didn't tell Babe that he's feeling left out until Babe himself comes to find him in ep 6. Even in ep 7, after being ditched on dinner, he goes in corner and Babe comes to find him). I think those fights are normal occurrence for them, even before Charlie came, but they weren't in beginning but started some time after, the first sign of their falling apart friendship.

Way needed to be listened but couldn't say first and In the end, Babe is always left guessing other's thoughts and that starts to frustrates him with time. ( Because Babe is not good with guessing or seeing people beyond for what they are representing themselves as ). Way stars to feel exhausted and empty with time by just giving, considering he was also stalling Tony for 10 frigging years.

When Way constantly says if you have problem come to me, he might have been asking for help himself. And babe always replies with ' yeah,i know'. Not for once does Babe says if you have problem, you can also come to me. Like Babe was conditioned to always being the one to receive care from other. He stopped wondering or never wondered if vice versa could be possible too. In ep 1/2 when Way shows him rumors on phone, Babe just dismisses it saying Way is always the one who handles all matters beyond racing for him. Babe was too much used to Way always being there for him to look after his matters. Way obviously start to feel drained with this one sided care.

It started to get toxic, they start to fight more and Way conditioned himself to show his real thoughts even less, yada, yada. The communication between them failed more and gap widened.

But they both still held on to it, way too tightly that it was choking them. And I mean both. Because that's the only place from where they received whatever form of love.And this doomed friendship exploded with Charlie entry, when Babe felt he could get his emotional and sexual needs fulfilled at one place and stopped giving Way time. When in ep 6, Way says it's enough for you if I'm just by your side., he really meant it as he realised Babe doesn't care to stand by his side the same.

In ep 7 when Babe says to Alan after their fight that it's bcz of what Way said in past that he couldn't dare to love. (Sure Way said that but I thought main reason was until Charlie he couldn't get closer to anyone bcz all those alphas stink to him. 🤔. Plothole?? ) Hey, but a good sign of toxicity from Babe himself bitching about his best friend to another friend. And that Babe himself was getting fed up of this friendship where they couldn't understand each other anymore. but still held on. Why? Bcz it was easy, bcz guilt, bcz he still cared. Maybe all, maybe none.

Babe says it many times that Way is most important person in his life, his only friend whom he cares about a lot. He believes it But he couldn't reach out to Way, couldn't really help other, couldn't see him. Way thought he gave Babe everything he could ever need for other to love him back, but didn't give his real wounded self, didn't give other the chance to really connect, to help him, To form a real bond. Really deliciously toxic😌, I would say it's poisoned. If somehow Way blurted out his feelings to other before in 10 years and these two would have gotten in relationship, it would have been so suffocating that none of them could breathe.

Now, lets bring back Way powers. Actually I don't really have clear idea of how often, how much, since when and in what way did Way used his powers on Babe to manipulate him. Way powers ranges from making someone sleep, paralyze, commanding them to do exactly that to just planting ideas. If it was just for Tony mission , wouldn't it be easier to force Babe in beginning Or make other fall in love with him with his powers instead of torturing himself in this toxic relationship for a decade? ( another reason why I feel Tony sent him with the idea that Babe belongs to him. Yk, soulmate kinda thingy , I'm sorry I don't know much about omegaverse. And so why Way was waiting forever ) Yet he never crossed that line with other except planting ideas that he was always there for Babe. Until of course Charlie came. As his desperation grew and he became bolder.

Now I have many other questions too, why he was saying to Babe that no one would love us, it's better to be alone. If he wanted Babe to fall for him, how would this even work? Shouldn't the manipulation be like, look how much am I caring for you, no one can love you more than me, reminding other of his good deeds at every point? Like remember how Vegas used to say to Porsche that how he is better in this, better in that and different unlike Kinn who is too heartless and impulsive. Isn't that how a selfish manipulator mind works?

Now lets go back to how I said Way felt connection with Babe when Babe must have revealed his trauma to him. I'm sure Way couldn't felt more closer to anyone other than him after hearing those things. Did it gave him consolation like two prisoners in same cell? But unlike Way, Babe with time must have dared to get out of this cell and Way couldn't dare as Tony was still breathing on his neck behind the scenes, fearing loneliness so he held Babe closer. Also Way could see the cage that Tony has put over them that Babe couldn't and Way really believed he could keep Babe safe only by keeping him with himself. ( that makes me wonder What were the terms of Tony if Way failed in the task? Was Tony going to send some other enigma or was he going to kidnap Babe then force him and sell him? If Babe fell for some other alpha, wouldn't it be a clear sign Way failed?) Or Way felt he alone was trapped in his own trauma and Tony has conditioned him in believing Babe is the only key. Way couldn't use or hurt Babe cuz he really cared for him but also he couldn't let this key go away from himself cuz then he would felt there literally is no hope for him.

How exhausting it is to pretend to be okay and happy for 10 years in front of your family kinda friends ? Babe was the anchor he held on to as Tony showed him. Even surrounded by people all the time, he was still alone trapped in his thoughts and weaving the trap more and more day by day with guilt, lies, that there was no space left for anyone to come closer to real self. It was only until Pete who literally crawled in his mind to read him.

I still don't really know what exactly driven him to do things the way he did. He is too complicated, in addition to above mentioned points he could also be carried jealousy, possession, obsession etc, etc.

And what exactly did he aspire to want from Babe? Love? Freedom? A sense of belongingness? Help?

Way is a character with so so many layers on whom I still don't have a clear reading as most people here have only two reactions to him either they hate him or love his face. But Way is more than a pretty sad pathetic face with horrible character. His eyes always expresses his villainous deeds doesn't stems out of lust or bad reasons but of trauma and fear. That alone makes him a very unique villain than those one dimensional cartoonish villains, better than Tony and Winner.

Does that negate him from what he did to Babe? No. Not at all. What he did all those years and what he was trying to do in ep 9 is definitely horrible and fucked up shit. He betrayed his only friend of years in worst way possible, when he could have chosen differently. Babe doesn't deserve any of that shit.

But that's not the point, I'm talking about here. The point is how a genuine happy friendship of people stemming from same origin as we saw in those flashbacks turned so so toxic to reach at this ugly point and how beautifully it was portrayed, their fallout, their flashbacks.

I have only started this series a week ago, so I don't know what happened but i feel fandom has majorly divided itself in two groups of Charlie haters and Way haters. And it makes me sad when they carry biased views towards these characters, also because of novel spoilers when clearly series characters are more in depth. Idk, someone said it before but character or their dynamics are not meant to put in just two categories of hate or like by putting our moral compasses on it. They are meant to tell a story. Characters aren't always simple to understand but complex, interesting or uninteresting. And It's not fair to judge every single thing in this fiction by actual world logic because by that logic Dean and Winner are also tragic characters and right on their own because this competition was definitely never fair to them, and they deserve most sympathy. But that's not what series is about, we need to roll by what they portraying and understand why, instead of pushing our own judgements on this fictional omegaverse .

(2/2) And i wish people would stop judging with comments like how could people still like Way. Like come on, this is 2024. When I say I like Way, it doesn't mean i support real life SA. What kind of fcking logic is this?? it means the character is interesting to me. When he says things like I never thought of hurting my family after clearly hurting and betraying his friend, he makes me curious where the hell is he coming from to say things like this. He makes me curious why he never confessed in 10 years and instead resorted to condition his friend into being dependent on him. How fucked up he is in his head to cry after attempting to force himself on his friend ?

Way deserves more reactions than simple hate, and dismissing him of his complexity. Babe and Way ( and Charlie) deserve more than people blaming and defending them and praising their beauty.

Like please 😭look past their fixed ships, these characters have so much more story to say, their interrelationships are beautiful too. Do you people really wanna see just two boys kiss and just hea? No drama? That's boring!!! And i would say pit babe is the only bl to achieve this, showing bonding between characters outside of fixed pairs.

Similarly putting our own judgement on characters choices, like ' how Babe could even think of saying he could forgive Way one day after this all. I would never. ' it's annoying. We are not Babe. Instead why not be curious that why Babe said so? Babe himself is not a simple character but has his own complexities. Even after being betrayed by everyone he loves, he is still full of compassion and he opens his heart for love again and again.

Babe was grieving two closest things to his heart, his lover and his most important friendship. He was very alone, and sidelining his hurt by putting all energy on his revenge on Tony. The friend who always said come to me whenever something bothers you, That friendship whom he needs the most now, doesn't exist anymore. It's still unbelieving bcz few days before he had everything in the world. And then the said ex friend comes to apologises and asks if things could go back. Babe hopes for the same too, cuz he still can't believe he has nothing left now. Babe hopes, for things to go back too when he had Charlie and everything, and stop hurting so he says maybe one day, but not soon. No matter how much people hate it, Way was a very important person to Babe and 10 years of feelings doesn't disappear in one day and neither the hurt of betrayal from same person. It hurts too deep. His reaction might have been different if Charlie was alive. Of course their friendship is too broken to mend again, but hoping of different circumstances is another thing. And i also liked this reaction bcz it showed the hints of their toxic dependent relationship. They had already let go of it all but still, still after all this horrible betrayal, they still kinda hanging on. Bcz despite everything Babe believes or want to believe that not everything was a lie.

In ep 10, After losing Charlie, first place he goes to seek was Way, when naturally he would have barged in Tony house like before. But Babe was still hurting from that betrayal and he needed answers from Way. ( See how even this time Way was moping in corner and Babe has to come confront him first. It's nothing I just like the pattern. In ep 12, first time Way seeks other out to communicate and it wouldn't have happened if not for Pete.)

And compassion is a far thing but wishing death upon Way character is just too much. Isn't it better for him to stay alive, repent for the hurt he gave to others and heal himself too. Cuz u can't deny he clearly needs help.

Arghh. Thanku for entertaining my giant thesis. I was gonna talk about Babe and Way relationship but somehow ended up with Way character analysis. Their toxic relationship feels most compelling and really stands out to me. It's so rare to see such a well written relationship in bls. there's is lot more to unpack, and i was so in feels that I has to write something. I'll write thesis on Charlie some other day but he's perfect for Babe bcs with him Babe doesn't have to guess as Charlie is pretty straightforward with his needs and emotions ( I mean aside from initial lies and fake death he is honest and communicates, which makes it easy for Babe.). While Way emotional baggage was too much for Babe to handle. Since Pete volunteered himself so good luck to them, as he's the only one who can really reach out to him.

hi anon! thank you for sending this, sorry it took me a few days to reply and this isn't really a proper response (sorry about that), i was saving this in case way got the end that i feared and. well.

i really just wanted to say that i love your reading asdsa and share it bc some of us are coping with today's ep by rolling in waybabe tragedy (i'm some of us) and this is just perfect for that. for the record i don't think waybabe could have ever happened, they're sooo one-sided and painful and delicious to me <3

also about the times way used his power on babe and the not daring to love: to me it was clear that it was from the beginning something they both thought about themselves and what brought them close (something that way did tell babe twice? during the series once he started to make him stop loving charlie. lol as if he could.) and that stopping babe from loving someone was something new for way. i don't think there was anyone that was a thread before, alpha smell or not; i think babe fell in love with charlie because it was charlie.

Babe himself is not a simple character but has his own complexities. Even after being betrayed by everyone he loves, he is still full of compassion and he opens his heart for love again and again.

babe is my perfect angel baby full of love and forgiveness and i can't believe we got that twice in this ep, i love him so much.

PLEASE give me the directors cut of Til The End Of The Line bc that fix haunts me in an ethereal manner and I have simply not moved on 🫶🏻

oh my god where do I even start with 'Till the End of the Line, it was such an odd one to write. I started in back in August and literally forgot it existed until November when I was just flipping through my files.

I stopped writing it because it just felt like pretentious, surface level, uninteresting emo drivel. But when I picked it back up, I felt myself really connecting to the emotions I channeled at the time.

Plus, I had been writing a lot of comedy at the time (see: Landoscar) and wanted to flex a different creative muscle. So really, the entire thing was incredibly self serving. But anyways, let's get into some content!

The Origins

I actually received a comment on Ao3 a very long time ago with someone talking about crying on a train while reading a fic, and that idea always sort of stuck with me.

The next thing was, as it always goes, a random line popping into my head one day while going about my Tasks:

But so much life can grow in a place where no one stays

This sort of ended up being the thesis for the entire narrative: the beauty in a passing moment between two people that, maybe, won't ever see each other again despite the mark they've left on each other's lives.

The Writing Process

So I bounced around a lot with how I wanted this to read. Initially I wrote it as a traditional narrative (I have about half of the fic written in an entirely different style), but then I realized that didn't fit the vibe. I wanted it to have more of a liminal, 'what parts of this are real' energy to it, which is why I decided to not use traditional quotation marks.

The italics, something people often use for thoughts, made it feel more like the entire thing could have been made up in Charles's head. I hope that came across haha.

Here's two snippets of parts from the other style that got cut:

And so Charles gets like this sometimes, cause and timing unknown. It hits him suddenly, the overwhelming and inescapable need to just cry. One small inkling, a fragment of an idea, buries itself into every corner of his mind; spreading like a wildfire until every other thought, any distraction, just reminds him of the ache. Deep in his bones. An unsettling mix of nostalgia, loneliness, and something unnamed. Something heavy. It hangs around his neck like a lead weight.

And:

Charles looks up at the stranger, eyes following him down as he sits beside him.  “Rough day?” He tries again, voice just as soft and accent just as distinct.  “I don’t know.” Charles says numbly as he takes the tissue, blotting his eyes uselessly as the tears continue to flow down with reckless abandon. He hums contemplatively in response, adjusting the hood of his sweatshirt around his neck and leaning back against the vibrating walls of the train.

Idk if the difference is entirely apparent, but I wanted Charles's narrative to feel very... sensory. What he's seeing, what he's feeling, not so much the traditional way of writing where you're guiding the reader through a true plot.

The Setting

At first, I put serious time into deciding what country they were in, what train they were on, what neighborhood it started and ended in, etc.. However, the more I poked around and considered different ideas (Berlin, New York, London), the more I realized that the story would be hindered by having it in a specific place.

The overall impact of this fic wasn't meant to the plot. It wasn't meant to be a character arc that compelled you, it wasn't meant to even really be about something as fickle as attraction. At it's core, I wanted this to be a story about the very human feeling of wanting to be somewhere else, about missing something that you can't get back and struggling with to accept that time will continue to move on even if you don't want it to.

Tying that to a place almost removed the universality of it, I think. That's why I never alluded to a specific starting station, ending station, route duration, or season. I wanted it to sort of... transcend those things, I guess.

Trains as a Metaphor

I've always really been fond of trains and modes of transport as a metaphor for things like death, purgatory, change, sleep, etc..

In this, I really wanted the train to represented that sort of liminal, purgatory-esque space. I wanted Charles to feel like he was stuck in between something, that he wasn't entirely here or there. In my head, Sebastian was almost a guiding light out of it, directing him away from the place so removed from real life and into somewhere in the present.

I don't want to beat a dead horse, the heavy handed religious imagery did that for me, but I just love the idea of the train being something transformative. Somewhere you go that isn't quite real life, where you can emerge with something you wouldn't have found elsewhere.

What Didn't Fit In

Ok originally, when I still didn't know what I actually wanted this story to BE beside Charles being distraught on a train, I made up entire backstories for him and Sebastian.

Sebastian was meant to be a youngish teacher coming home from a late night at Lewis's house -- they throw grading parties together during finals season, just to make it suck a little bit less :)

Charles owns the bookstore where he saw the little boy. He moved to the city he's in fairly recently, and hasn't really made his own community yet -- he drank alone at the bar that night because he didn't have anyone to call.

Music

FINALLY, in common me fashion, I listened to music on repeat while writing this. Brand New is a band that captures the sort of... empty, aimless feeling that Charles is going through in this story, and I think that the soundtrack really adds a lot!

Hellooo👋

Do you watch We are?

Have you seen the pilot trailer for The Last Case?

Have you watched the series Blank?

ANON THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INDIRECTLY LETTING ME KNOW ABOUT THE PILOT TRAILER FOR THE LAST CASE BEING OUT I HAD SOMEHOW COMPLETELY MISSED THE NEWS AND WHEN I READ YOUR MESSAGE I ALMOST BROKE MY FINGERS WITH HOW FAST I WENT TO LOOK IT UP BUT ALSO IMMA APOLOGIZE TO YOU BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME YELLING OVER IT SO IM SORRY ABOUT THAT

BUT GOD THAT WAS SO PERFECT IT'S EXACTLY EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED LIKE WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! MEDICAL DRAMA!!!!!!!!!! MYSTERY!!!!!!!!!! CRIME!!!!!!!!!! ADULT CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!! DOCTOR/LAWYER PAIRING!!!!!!!!!! SO. MANY. WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO INVENT A NEW WORD FOR THE SHEER EUPHORIA IM FEELING RN I NEED 45 WEEKS IN A SENSORY DEPRIVATION CHAMBER TO PROCESS THIS I NEED A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS INTERVENTION I NEED TO GO LIE DOWN AND BECOME ONE WITH THE EARTH

ALSO IM ALREADY SO OBSESSED WITH THESE TWO IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY

OKAY SORRY LET ME JUST. take a deep breath and calm down and stop yelling so i can answer your other questions

i am indeed watching we are!!!! i actually had a lot of mixed feelings after the first episode, which is why i didn't post anything about it, but i liked the second one way more!!!!!! im not sure why tbh, maybe because it was humourous without being too chaotic? like idk the first episode was a bit too all-over the place for me ;;;;;;;; i still had to turn a blind eye on a couple of things (the 'be my slave' trope has always felt so unrealistic to me), but im incredibly weak for friendship groups and pondphuwin, aouboom, and winnysatang are all pairings i really enjoy!!!!! im absolutely LOVING aou as tan!!!!!!! ALSO CIIZE MY BELOVED I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS IN IT

as for blank, i haven't watched it yet, but i do have it on my list and hopefully i will be able to get around to it soon!!!! youtube actually suggested it to me and i was like HELLO WOMEN???????!!!!??!!!!?? i have to admit i am a bit concerned about the sixteen years difference between the main characters, but im desperate for more GL shows so im definitely gonna give it a chance!!!!!!!