sorry venting

the joy of having fun little knickknacks and thingamajigs related to what you love VS. the desire to not become overwhelmed by material items + the agony overwhelming that comes with being keenly surrounded by stuff: FIGHT

"As for the “she ruined his life,” please. His life was already ruined. Motherfucker was a grown ass man living in a dirty 1 bedroom trailer with his uncle (because he has no parents), making speeches about how much high school sucks but he can’t get his grown ass out of there. He plays games with 14 year olds instead of getting a job. Statistically, he was gonna go to jail at some point for carrying a lunch box full of drugs around a high school and selling drugs to minors."

so, you resort to classism? who says his life was ruined? sure it seems he hasnt had the best childhood, but that doesnt mean his life is ruined. theres nothing wrong with being "grown" and living with a relative(s), especially when you have money struggles. and saying that he and the trailer is dirty is pushing gross stereotypes about poor people/people who live in trailers (bc not all of them are poor).

eddie being stuck in high school can be a multitude of reasons, maybe he has a hard time focusing/understanding subjects. maybe he missed a lot of school picking up jobs to help wayne out, and hes just a bad student! who knows! its not like he purposefully held himself back. (sometimes there are teachers who fail you on purpose, happened to my brother.)

and whats wrong with him playing a GAME with younger kids for a CLUB? if thats the case, you should be angry with the 18 yr old basketball players playing with lucas, whos 14/15.

and yes, indirectly, chrissy killed him. bc if it wasnt for her wanting something stronger, eddie wouldnt have went to his trailer to find and sell it to her. if she had taken the weed from the first deal, eddie wouldve most likely still been alive.

AND, we dont know how steve felt about eddies death, with dont know how any of them besides dustin felt bc of the stupid "2 days later". but if i were to say "chrissy doesnt care about eddie" (pre + post deal" and "eddie never cared about chrissy", I would be the bad guy.

also, you guys say every. single. time. "dont generalize all hc!! we arent ALL bad" yet its ok for you say "You Eddie munson / steddie fans all have worms for brains" ? if you get to say that all the time, then we should get to generalize too, its only fair.

stop being hypocrites

That person is doing what people in hawkins were doing ; judging Eddie without knowing him.

There are so many reasons why people fail schools and it's not because they are stupid, it's because school is not for them(mind you that Eddie is a DM, which means that he must have been good at math and also, since he creates the campaigns, he has a good imagination and an excellent ability in writing and narrating).

It's like that example "if you have a monkey and a fish and you ask them to climb a tree, obviously the fish can't do that, but he definitely can swim better than a monkey" (I don't know if that makes sense).

Also, I get so mad when people judge adults that lives with relatives.

I'm 27, I have a job and yet I still live with my parents, do you wanna know why?

Because HAVING A PLACE NOW IS FUCKING EXPENSIVE, I CAN'T AFFORD TO LIVE ALONE.

However I've bought a car and once I finish paying for that I'll be able to look for a place on my own, hoping that there's something I can afford.

About Steve, we don't know how he reacted to Eddie's death so, what point are you trying to make?

Do you know that Eddie wasn't crying because it was chrissy that died but because he was traumatized by seeing someone dying like that? As I said he did the same with Patrick and I assure you that he wasn't his friend at all.

Finally, about what you say, why should I be like them? If you want to generalize every hellcheer, then be my guest, I won't be like that(even though this person is clearly a chrissy Stan, not an hellcheer considering how they talk about Eddie).

💀 * [ barbie ferreira + cis female + she/her ] —— have you met isadora oliveira ? they are a twenty-one year old sophomore currently studying fashion design & merchandising. they live on keating house, and word around campus is that this aries is loyal + warm, as well as self-objectifying + obsequious. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. chocolate covered strawberries, gothic platforms, lingerie under leather jackets.

hiii bbies it’s me (gabby) finally here again to post this finalized, messy version of isa’s intro! she’s a brand new never-been-played muse of mine so it’s def bound to be a bit more scattered & less developed than ezra’s, but also much shorter? so i mean there’s a bonus lmao alright here we go:

so isadora (also known by many nicknames such as isa, izzy, iz, & dora the explora if ur trying to piss her off vgbjhksjs) was definitely not brought up in a world of prestige and recognition like the one she’s become so accustomed to in attending holloway university

growing up in the small town of lisbon, maine the only reality isa knew during her childhood was that of living as the only child of a woman who was (TW) both a compulsive liar & and compulsive hoarder. their house was floor to ceiling with things her mom collected as well as garbage built up over time- her condition had already driven isa’s father out of the house when she was just three years old, and she never had a relationship with him as a result

she was still fairly young when she realized the true severity of her own situation, just how abnormal it was compared to that of her friends. she missed out on so many rights of passage during her upbringing like birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. for much of her life her own living space / bedroom were just as bad off as the rest of the house, given her mom’s inability to keep from passing her hoarding tendencies onto her daughter. isa simply didn’t know any better at the time. to her, that was normal.

not only was her mom a compulsive liar & hoarder but she was also extremely neglectful, often leaving isa to her own devices in the dangerous environment they called home. as a result of this she (TW ED) developed harmful coping mechanisms surrounding food, regularly overeating to combat negative feelings of loneliness, and this went on from the time she was just a little girl all the way until she was in high school

high school was rough in many ways- she suffered depression, anxiety, experienced bullying at the hands of the more popular kids for her weight & her mother’s financial situation, and was all around extremely isolated from her peers- the only person she really had to depend on was her cousin (WC) . she had so much respect and envy for her cousin, they had more of a sisterly dynamic than anything, she was just so gorgeous and everything she did just seemed so effortless, to the point isa couldn’t help but idolize her and consider her a best friend. 

like, remember when spongebob said he hoped that by being in squidward’s presence some of his artistic ability would rub off onto him? that was deadass isa & (WC) in high school jhbksnjs my girl was so sure if she just spent enough time with her she’d inherit some of her pretty & cool

high school was also where she reached a turning point when it came to her home environment, able to put a name to her mom’s condition after years of struggling with her strained and toxic relationship with her mom, and ultimately changed the rest of her life. she stayed the night at (WC’s) one night and after she fell asleep, isa stayed up watching TLC- it was there that she first discovered the TV show ‘hoarding: buried alive’ and realized there was a name for her mother’s infliction- but more importantly, learned that there was help available for her condition

when she went home to excitedly tell her mother that she’d basically discovered a cure, a means to change everything for them... she certainly hadn’t been expecting the reaction that came: her mom, who’d always been so indifferent toward her, so lethargic and uninterested in what she had to say, was suddenly listening very clearly- and she was not happy. isa had never heard her mom scream like that, had never really heard her express any heightened emotion, but it was in that moment at 17 years old, just a few weeks away from her 18th birthday, that she realized what she needed to do. she had no choice but to make plans to leave her mom behind.

the final weeks leading up to the big day she was counting on as a turning point consisted of her cleaning out her own space, little by little, enough that she had somewhere to set up her secondhand laptop and webcam. blowing out the candles on her 18th birthday cake came with wishing for a whole new life, and she was determined to make that for herself by any means necessary.

(TW SEX WORK) isa spent half her 18th year in her room working as a successful camgirl, showing everything but her face, & of course always being careful not to dox herself. she eventually earned enough money to start buying herself nicer clothes, but it didn’t take her long to realize she wanted more from life than just rotting away in her hometown. she bought herself a higher quality webcam to keep making money... and a nice sewing machine, something she’d always dreamed of owning. 

all her life she’d been drawing and sketching as a means of escapism, it’d always been therapeutic to her to be creative and conjure up unique designs for outfits in her mind, drawing models in all shapes and sizes to represent her fantasy outfits. but she never felt like a visionary, even though anyone with an eye for fashion who got a look at her work could see that she had the natural talent and potential to be. 

isa had been an a straight-A student her whole life despite having almost no support at home from her mother growing up, and with plenty of encouragement from (cousin WC), she plucked up the courage and applied for holloway university, with ivory falls being far enough from her hometown of lisbon, but still in the same state so that she could go and see her mother from time to time (bc although their relationship is quite strained now, she still loves and worries about her)

the next summer she received her acceptance letter at holloway u for the coming fall semester, and the fact that she’d been able to make it into such a prestigious school made her feel so proud of herself that she completely underwent a massive arc of character development; evolving into someone so much more confident. realizing that plenty of people found her desirable as she continued to earn money through cam shows had been part of that transformation, but realizing she was talented enough to get accepted into the fashion design and merchandising program at her dream school had a completely different effect on her. 

( TW BODY IMAGE ISSUES ) isa decided that as she entered college, she was no longer going to be the meek, insecure girl constantly playing the role of the doting, loyal fat best friend to the ‘prettier main characters’ she’d always been sidekick to- she told herself that she was the main fucking character in her life from here on, and has spent her entire college experience up to this point just,, navigating as she figures out what that really means to her

still has a terrible underlying tendency to be overly-loyal and a bit obsessive with girls she closely befriends, if she has any kind of jealousy towards them. but ! is a lot more confident than she used to be, and it shows in the way she dresses and carries herself, as well as in her long-term goals (to transfer to FIDM for her final years of university)

( TW ED MENTION ) as a young adult, she’s mostly she’s replaced the compulsion to deal with her body image issues by using food to cope that she had as a teenager... by using sex to cope instead, so she’s definitely a bit promiscuous but does her best to keep that Her Own business 

personality-wise she has a massive heart & is loyal to a fault but is also wild AF & loves a good time! never rly dabbled in drugs until she got to college but since then has acquired an interest in trying everything under the sun, even if it’s just one and done. mostly though she just likes to get really drunk & stupid. used to feel like she was constantly living in her cousin’s shadow, & in some ways she still does, but she’s trying hard to make herself believe that she’s reached a place where she won’t be playing second fiddle to anyone, ever again

i’m gonna shut the hell up now & stop pretending i know this character better than i do bc i deadass do not jbhnjss like she’s literally brand new so lemme go head & leave plenty of room for development!

same story as ezra i’ll have a full connections page posted for her soon but in the meantime some ideas i have are: friends, frienemies, ex friends, high school bullies, classmates, old high school friends, people she gets fuckt up with on the reg, people she hooks up with on the reg (any gender, she’s bisexual / biromantic), someone she had a crush on in high school / has pined for from afar maybe?? someone who used to watch her cam shows?? someone she almost kinda dated but Not? someone who she hooked up with while they were dating someone else?? idk that’s what i have for now but there’ll be more where that came from <3 xoxo like this or hmu !

❛ willa fitzgerald, cis woman, she/her ❜ was that charlie brodeur? the twenty-six year old nurse has been in town since birth. the human has a reputation for being kindhearted & quick-tempered. you know they’re around when you get flashes of ( messy buns, deep breaths, cracked iphone screen & fairy lights strung all over ). rumor has it, they have no affiliations. { samu, est, 25, she/they }

( OOC: TW: ANXIETY MENTION AT THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH. hi! i’m samu, i’m 25 and i use she/they pronouns! i’m so so so so so excited for this rp and for you all to meet my babies!!!!! i wanted to make this lil ooc section just to let y’all know that i’ll be posting longer and more detailed intro-like posts for my charas eventually, but i wanted to be able to give lil summaries and connection ideas before then so!!!!! there it is!!!!! thank u sm for reading!!!!! also if i ever message you to plot, which i’d like to do with everyone if my social anxiety allows it, pls don’t feel obligated to plot with me at all!!!!! i love connecting with other writers and stuff but i’ll completely understand if you’re not up to plot with me and my charas <33 ) ← this is the same ooc paragraph in all of my first three intros, so pls feel free to skip it! <3

brief introduction.

charlie’s mother was born and then spent all her life in ottawa, ontario, until she got pregant with charlie (original name is charlotte but charlie legally changed it as soon as she legally could after turning eighteen). isabelle, charlie’s mother, had a double citizenship (canada/usa) thanks to her mother (who she had a very complicated relationship with) being american, so when she basically ran away from home (although not really because she was twenty years old at the time), the move to the states was somewhat easy (or well, as easy as it could be).

charlie and her mother are very close!! kind of similar-ish to lorelai and rory in gilmore girls when it comes to closeness, except that they’re more like... soft, i guess? very intelligent and curious like the gilmore girls, sure, but not necessarily as quick-witted, humorous and energetic. well, isabelle sort of is a bit more so than charlie, but yes! basically, charlie and her mom are super close!

charlie’s mom (isabelle) made herself quite the stable home in blackthorne, and it’s been a home to her and charlie ever since they arrived (whilst charlie was still a fetus, of course)! nowadays, the two of them don’t live together anymore, but they see a lot of each other and get along rlly rlly well! i don’t want to set isabelle’s job in stone since i’ll probably make a wanted connection for her, but i’m picturing her doing something either really artsy or people-focused! or even both?

charlie has known she wanted to be a nurse since the age of thirteen. back in her pre-teens, isabelle and charlie’s elderly neighbour, mrs. cunningham, got quite sick and though charlie obvi didn’t do physical tasks to help out, just holding mrs. cunningham’s hands and being there for her felt right. charlie has always felt best when she's helping or caring for others, and that doesn’t seem close to change any time soon!

she was honestly a bit difficult to get along with when she was younger? bc as kind as she tended to be, she got angry VERY easily, especially when it came to other kids being careless and not paying attention to others. like, since childhood, there’s nothing that frustrates charlie more than people not taking others into consideration. also, um... when she gets mad, she gets MAD. she’s a fire sign (zodiac wise) and it really, REALLY shows lmao!!!!! she also tends to be quite dramatic and theatrical when it comes to her anger so idfjlkdjlkfdj it can lowkey be entertaining for those not involved in whatever is going on!

rn she’s living in a two bedroom apartment with two roommates! i picture charlie sharing a bedroom with one of her roommate (and can they PLEASE have bunk beds iM begging sjdljfdljfdlkfdj), and for the other roommate to have their own bedroom! i feel like both bedrooms would be REALLY small, but that actually all the other rooms would be quite roomy? and that it’d be a super well lit apartment? and like definitely not high class or anything, but DEFINITELY homey!

can be a bit reckless when it comes to her own safety, especially if others are in danger (she does have a bit of a hero complex), which is DEF not ideal right now lmao dflkjdlkfjlkdfj

loves partying btw!!!! she works rlly rlly hard as a nurse and is generally quite chill outside of work, but she feels the need to let loose, like really loose at least once every two weeks or more!

connection ideas.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND: along with her mother, this is the person charlie trusts and cherishes the most. and also lbr she can be a TINY bit more of herself with her best friend than with her mother, bc no matter how much she loves her mother, she’s still her mother. and this best friend would actually probably get along with isabelle really well too! i didn’t necessarily picture charlie’s best friends as one of her roommates, but if you’d like to go for that too, i definitely wouldn’t be opposed! ( 00 / 01 )

ROOMMATES: as described a lil bit above, charlie shares a two-bedroom apartment with two other roommates! the rooms are all pretty spacey, except for the bedrooms which are on the small size! still, charlie shares one of the bedrooms with one of her roommates (probably with bunk beds!!!!!! the adult-y kind?? where the bottom bunk is like a bit bigger??), and the other roommate has a room of their own!! the apartment is also really well-lit, with a lot of well-placed window, and though it’s definitely not luxurious, it 100% has a very homey feel to it! ( 00 / 02 )

COLLEAGUE(S): people who charlie works with! other nurses would definitely be interesting because they can unwind together and understand each other in a way that other people can’t? ooooh, although there could also maybe be a “rival” nurse to charlie for whatever reason we can work out together (bc charlie is caring af so maybe if your character is more ambitious and has a different way of dealing with patients - which is probably just as good as charlie’s but only different - so maybe they clash about that?) but also!!!!!! dOCTORS PLEASE!!!!!! knowing some people in health services, the way doctors act with nurses can vary quite intensely (from what i know which ofc is only a small sample tho so!!), but like....... mayhaps a doctor who really respects nurses and understands how they can have a unique point of view when it comes to what’s happening to the patients, and who tries to work with the nurses as a team!! therefore a doctor who charlie probably really admires and appreciates!!!! on the other hand, though...... a doctor who seems to think they’re above nurses (whether they really are or not is up to you, but it could be the impression that charlie is getting!) like maybe a doctor who doesn’t take kindly to being questioned, especially not by people who aren’t doctors and like...... lmao charlie doesn’t care!!!! she’ll question you!!!! (also lowkey..... this is FAR from necessary but i just stumbled upon a list of enemies to lovers novels and this seems like such a cliché plot but slfkjlxjfkljdf i wouldn’t be opposed to that if it works out with the chemistry and all of that? i’m not into planning long term romantic plots bc i feel like it hinders things and what not, but! it can be a possibility if you’d like that, maybe?) ( 00 / ?? )

EX-FIANCÉ(E): charlie’s high school sweetheart!! they started dating when charlie was fifteen (and your chara was in the same year as charlie but ig depending on the time of year they might have been the same age or a few months older or younger sflkdfjlkjfd), and they got engaged when they were twenty-one years old! charlie’s mother actually didn’t really approve of the union, even though she loved your chara, as she thought they were too young, but back then, charlie didn’t care about what others said about she and your chara’s relationship! they were actually engaged for two years before they both realized that they kept on pushing off the wedding. and it wasn’t just because they were scared; they just weren’t sure they actually wanted it anymore. then, they decided to take a “break”. that was around three years ago, and the two have barely talked to each other since, avoiding each other’s stares when they walk by each other on the street, something that happens much too often to their taste. they both still have their rings, but i feel like they’re probably just holding on to them out of nostalgia, because it seems quite clear that their relationship is over. problem is, they were close friends before they started dating, and they honestly miss each other’s friendship. also!! i don’t have a gender preference for your chara tbh!! at the age of nine, charlie loudly announced that she liked girls after climbing on the tallest tree in the park during a special school outing (to the park a block away from their school..... ok it wasn’t that special of an outing, but most of the school was still there in the park!) and at the age of fourteen she officially came out as bisexual! ( 00 / 01 )

EDIT: i wanna post this now so i won’t make a lil paragraph for it right now, but!!!! party friends is def an idea that would work very very well!

i can’t think of anything else right now, but i’m definitely open to many many more ideas! these were just the few things i could come up with right now!

Reminisce | The End

Park Jimin “I found myself falling more in love with you as I grew older.” You and Jimin were childhood best friends until you had to move away. As years passed and you both aged, the separation between your friendship deepen and you never heard from him again. More than a decade passed and you suddenly stumble upon the man who you never stopped thinking about. Genre: angst Word Count: Warnings: explicit language Italics = flashback Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | the end

after 8 months of not updating, i want to finally conclude the end of this story. thank you for all who constantly reminded me and checked up on this series i really appreciate it bc it shows me that there are still ppl who are interested. through my major writers block, i have to say that i am quite happy with how this all ended.

“Are you going to tell me what it is that hurt you so much that you couldn’t come see me?” Jimin sat in front of you on his bed, his hands twiddling with yours. 

“We lost touch, Jimin. As close as we were, we were living separate lives and I wanted to respect yours. You were entering high school at the time and I was just some old friend holding you back from exploring. I liked you a lot, Jimin, so when you began pushing me away.. it hurt me.” Look up, Jimin’s eyes were glossy and rimmed with small puddles.

“Right.. I realized that I was doing that. I never meant to stop calling. I wanted to, I just got distracted by other things. But I never stopped thinking about you, (Y/N). I found myself falling more in love with you as I grew older. When Christmas rolled around, I waited to see if you were flying back. When it was your birthday, I begged Mom to help me mail your gifts.. but even my own mother lost contact with your’s.” A single tear ran down Jimin’s plump cheek.

“You thought about me?” Your voice cracked, shocked by his confession.

“All the time. I could never fully commit myself to a new relationship. I was never fully there because I couldn’t. I was stuck on my best friend.” Your hand slipped from his as the doorbell rang.

He wiped his wet cheeks and got up to answer the door. “What are you doing here?” His voice rang throughout the apartment.

“I need you, Jimin. You make me feel whole. I miss your arms and your chest. I miss you.” A woman’s voice carried with his.

“You can’t be here. Go home.” 

“This is my home. It’s our home.”

“No, it’s my home and I need you to go, it’s late.” Jimin was growing angry.

“Fine. I’m sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll have lunch or something.” A slam followed her response. He walked into his bedroom with you shocked.

“Were you seeing someone?” You asked softly, your past young self dying inside from jealousy.

“No, (Y/N). But she thinks that I want to be with her and I really don’t. She doesn’t understand that I don’t feel the same and she visits me every week. I tell her every time. I tell her to leave me alone. She’s trying to find the reason to why I don’t want to be with her and she almost found it at first.” 

You stared at him, confused. “What do you mean? What’s the reason?”

“If only she came in and checked to see who was in my room. She’d know the reason why I don’t want to be with her.” He held your hand again, glossy eyes soaking you up.

Then it hit you. He meant you. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you drew Jimin in for a hug. “I’ve waited all my life for you to say that you want me the same way I want you. But, Jimin, we don’t live in a fairy tale and you’re a little too late. 13 years late..” 

He pulled back and held your face. He searched for answers in your expression, but you remained as blank as possible. “I leave in the next 3 days, Jimin. I don’t know when I’m coming back. I don’t know where life will take me next.” 

“So stay. Live here with me, with your dad. This was your life before, the life you loved.” Jimin begged and you’ve never seen this side of him before. 

“You didn’t beg this desperately when I left 13 years ago..” 

Jimin rolled his eyes and his hands let go of yours, “because that was out of your control. Now, you’re an adult and making your own choices, kiddo.”

You had forgotten how smart and witty Jimin was. You always use to believe that he was smarter because he was older, but it was actually because Jimin was just academically excelling. 

“No, you can’t take away 5 apples if you only have 4 to give away. That is when you get into negative numbers and you aren’t learning those yet.” Jimin helped you erase your previous answer.

You pushed away the thick book filled with math worksheets. As a nine year old, you only desired to play, especially with the new scooter that Jimin recently got for his birthday.

“Can we play?” You asked impatiently Jimin poking his temples with the end of his pencil. He shook his head.

“I promised your mom I would help you with your homework and you’re not done with it yet. Come here.” He patted the spot on the lawn next to him.

You stood your ground and crossed your arms. Shaking your head violently, you proceeded to say, “I want to play, Jimin.”

He pouted, “we can play if you answer this problem correctly. If you don’t, you’re coming back to finish your homework, deal?”

You gleamed and nodded, but your smile fell when Jimin hit you with a division question. You had only recently learned division in the fourth grade and you were too busy doodling to pay attention.

When you couldn’t answer him, he patted the seat next to him again and pulled out a clean sheet of paper to write more division practice problems for you to do.

“Well smartass, why don’t you tell me how much it would cost for me to stay here? What job will I be doing instead of a flight attendant? Do I continue school? I definitely can’t dance, Jimin, so don’t even think about that. Are you okay with me living with you? How much is rent? What would happen if we break up? Or if you change your mind?” As smart as Jimin was, asking you to stay was a ridiculous request.

You no longer lived in your old city anymore. You no longer needed Jimin to support you anymore. “I don’t know, if you really want to stay then we can talk about this over the next few days and figure everything out. If you don’t, then I’ll let you go on your way.”

“I’m not staying here.” You told him and the his face sadden by tenfold. “I love you, Park Jimin, as my close childhood best friend. I love you, Park Jimin, as something more than that. But, we would never work out and maybe that’s why it took so long for us to realize how each other feels for the other.”

“But you’re not going to give us a chance?” Jimin’s voice cracked, indicating how much he was holding back from crying.

You pulled him onto the mattress with your arms draped over his torso, your chin on top of his chest. “I gave us so many chances.”

At that moment, he sat up with you in his arms. His lips pressed gently against yours. His scent engulfing you, his nose pressed roughly on your face. His antsy hands wondering your canvas. 

The many emotions overwhelmed you, causing you to vibrate and grip onto his shirt to steady yourself. Your heart beat faster than Jimin’s impatient touches. Heat radiated off of your cheeks. 

You were feeling a mixture of nervousness and passion. While the other kiss was refreshing, this one was laced with every ounce of passion that Jimin hid inside of him. 

After a few more seconds, you pulled away to breathe. Your deep breathing mixed with his as he stared deeply, longingly into your eyes. His chest rose evidently and you whispered, still inches away from his face, “what happened to letting me go on my own way?”

He chuckled, but his smile changed to a small pout as if he had realized something, “I was crazy to push you away before. I’m not going to do that again, (Y/N). I don’t know how many more years I can stand hearing you call me your best friend when I know we both want more than that.” 

“So?”

“So.. fucking stay with me, please.” Jimin nuzzled his head at the crook of your neck, burying his hot face into your skin.

The next few days, Jimin would not stop holding onto you. He was afraid of you flying off. He showered you with love and affection. Every night, he made sure you were comfortable in his arms before he kissed you goodnight.

You have never felt more happy in your entire life. Growing up, you had the longest crush on the man, who you’ve been waking up to the past mornings. Jimin was finally yours. 

The older protector, the admirable, fearless Park Jimin saw you in the same light that you’ve been casting upon him your whole life. However, something felt off and almost unsettling.

Even though you were happy, maybe it wasn’t the relationship your younger self wanted. It felt almost rushed, but you’ve both been waiting for practically a lifetime for these moments. So... why weren’t you running around the room and doing cart wheels? 

As Jimin slept soundlessly at night, you laid next to him wide awake. You didn’t want to stay, even if it did mean that you’ll finally be with the man of your dreams. Your life was in the sky, in different countries. 

Your big move when you were younger switched something within you. Through the tears and the new experiences, you couldn’t stay in one place for long. You couldn’t get too comfortable or else, you’ll release it really wasn’t what you wanted.

You didn’t want to abruptly leave Jimin one day. You loved him too much to hurt him like that, so the only way to avoid it was to never start it.

“Why are you going so far away for college? Don’t you want to stay here with me? With your mom?” Your close friend questioned you as you browsed through a college brochure.

“I really.. don’t. I just don’t like it here.” You simply told him, not intending for it to mean much.

He huffed, “I’m here.”

“I know. It’s not you. It’s this location. I’m not happy here. There are millions of different countries in this world, aren’t you curious to what’s out in the world?” You held onto his shoulders, but he shook you off.

“I don’t care about anywhere if it doesn’t involved you. I’ve never found someone as great as you, (Y/N).” 

“Don’t say that because you don’t know what you’re saying. How could someone stay in one place for the rest of their lives and be.. okay with it? To be with the same people and feel like they’re not missing out?” You marveled, but you didn’t realize how much your excitement was hurting him.

He cleared his throat and he began to gather his things to leave, “well then, you don’t really need me anymore, do you? Sorry that you felt like you missing out.”

“Why don’t you want to leave?” You followed after him, down your staircase and to your front door. You were unsure why he was getting upset with you.

Your friend spun on his heel to face you with all his final might, “because I’m comfortable.”

“That’s the thing. I’m too comfortable here. I’m-I’m--I’m sick of it!” 

“Maybe you should warn the next person you let into your life that you’re not staying for long before they get too attached.” He smiled bitterly before exiting your life.

“Jimin.” You called after him the morning of your mandatory flight back. 

The sleepy boy groaned and mumbled, “yes?”

Sitting up, you held his blankets close to your nose to remember the sweet scent you’ll miss. “I’ve decided.” 

He shot up, rubbing the morning out of his eyes. “You’re staying?”

“I’m.. leaving. And.. I’m.. not..” you swallowed before finishing your sentence, “coming back for us.” Hot tears spilled at the sides of your cheeks, but Jimin wasn’t comforting you. He was busy curling up into a small ball, cushioning his own heart break.

“Can I ask you why?” His delicate voice cause the guilt to close your throat.

“It’s better if you didn’t know and that there is nothing you can do to change my mind.” Getting up, you needed to get back into uniform.

Jimin’s body shook as his sobs drifted around the room. His tears stained more than his pillow. 

He wasn’t the only one who was choked up inside. Hearing your best friend cry was the worst thing that you’ve ever experienced. You experienced turbulence all the time in the planes, times where you’ve felt like you were going to die. But Jimin’s tears shook you violently, more than what turbulence ever done to you. However, the only reassurance you had was that it was for the best. Jimin was better left hurt now than later when he was too invested in the relationship.

Although you had come to the decision of letting go, it was still hard for you to go. Jimin’s nonverbal cues planted your feet to the ground. It made your body hesitant from moving on.

“Are you going to send me off, Jimin?” You asked the sobbing man, his eyes already red from the tears.

He peered up at you and you saw the most hurt expression on your best friend’s face. “Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?”

His voice cracked halfway and he grabbed his keys, without brushing his teeth or changing, he headed for the door. “Do you get ready first, Jimin?”

“Sure.” It almost seemed as if he was mindlessly listening to your orders, losing a mind of his own.

When Jimin was ready, the car ride over to the airport was occupied with a heavy silence. You had to refrain from reaching over and holding his hand. Jimin had to refrain from crying anymore. He didn’t want to listen to the radio, afraid to create any songs that reminded him of you.

Once you arrived, Jimin parked and helped you with your suitcase. He had been avoiding eye contact the entire time, but he looked up once more before you left. His breath was caught in his throat when he saw you beautifully made in your uniform and red lipstick, the same night he had saw you again.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N), that I hadn’t realized how much I was in love with you until recently.” He whispered and you fell into his arms, breaking inside and out.

“I’m sorry for doing this to you, Jimin, but I can’t hurt you in the future when I know it would destroy you more than it does now.” You sobbed into his arms and he pulled you back, confused.

“What do you mean?” 

Your mascara smeared under your eyes and Jimin rubbed the rolling tear away. “I don’t stay for long. It’s only a matter of time before I get too comfortable and fly away again. I’ve done it before and I sure as hell would do it again.” 

“No matter how much you love me?” His voice grew small.

“No matter how much I love you, Park Jimin.” You kissed him again, dragging out the last taste of his lips, the last smell of his scent. 

He held you by your forearms, taking in all your grown features. “You’ve grown up to be a beautiful, independent woman, (Y/N). Don’t forget me when you’re off into the unknown.” 

“Jimin... I loved you my entire life. I’ve traveled to exotic countries and I loved you. I’ve gone to places that I can’t even pronounce and.. I still love you. And I hope that you understand my decision of not staying. And don’t you worry, Jimin, I’ve never forgotten about you, you’re with me where I go.” You held up your necklace charm he had given you when you were younger.

He kissed your cheek and drew you in for a long hug. “Goodbye, (Y/N).”

“Goodbye, Jimin. Thank you for being my best friend.” 

“Thank you for loving me.” He smiled through his stained cheeks and you felt his arms slowly fall from your arms, and drop down to his sides. You began walking towards your terminal where your coworkers chatted among themselves. 

You told yourself you wouldn’t turn around and look at Jimin one last time, but your body betrayed you and your head spun around before you reached your group. However, Jimin was gone before he could take one last look at you. 

aw man it really has been a tired time hasn’t it 😔 I’ve also been suffering constant fatigue so I feel you bro, but one day our sleep schedules will make sense 😭😭

Also yeah I actually very recently self ranted about the whole daddy issues daddy kink thing :/ I feel like the trivialization of “daddy issues” as a kink or something “hot” instead of a dysfunctional way of growing up is quite...odd to me. By definition I’ve been told I have daddy issues (although I haven’t really thought too much about it since he’s not really involved in my life anyways) but uhh..look how I turned out lmao 💀 (wait a sec but my mom issues are far more severe so maybe that’s why- oof I guess we relate again 😭) the assumption that women who grew up without a healthy relationship with a male figure will end up looking for qualities associated with a “father” in future relationships may be true, but i guess I would know if it actually gives you a daddy kink since I’m a dom 💀 I personally wouldn’t assume they’re associated because many people with good relationships with their fathers also have a daddy kink, and so sexual preferences may be linked to childhood but I also believe that the two may not be intrinsically linked if that makes any sense. Definitely not for me but maybe that’s cause I have mommy issues lmao (wait oh no maybe your childhood does affect your sexual preferences because I feel a need to have control and to be the one to please people 😭) -🤌

I’ve seen so many psychologists say that the way you’re relationships are with, parental figures, authority figures and straight up how you were raised affect how you are sexually.

I personally believe I am such a good example of that, bc even now I feel like I have no control or say in my life still living with a narcissistic mother, an absent father and a not so great but not so bad stepdad. The only person in my immediate family I want to be a constant is my older sister, and I have so many “when I’m gone I’m gone” things. I do know how much shit my mom talks about my sister for not coming around bc obviously nothing is ever my moms fault apparently and that my sister doesn’t come around obviously has nothing to do with her (sarcasm).

back to the point tho, my lack of control even after becoming an adult-I still live under her roof ffs so it doesn’t matter anyway 🤪-is one of the reasons i think I need so much control in the bedroom, which I heavily believe as a dom that I’m not actually the one in control bc the second my baby gives any little sign of not being into it anymore we’re done with the act of course. Also how I am very caregiving to so many people probably stems from the fact I want to give people what I didn’t have growing up and what I still lack in my day to day life.

also the “don’t talk back” (which I was literally just told not to do awhile ago when I got defensive over my mom being my mom and saying some shit that doesn’t help) which has instilled a hesitation when speaking up for myself/my beliefs (plus my stepdad being-who he is and us having very different viewpoints esp in politics) makes me ever more uncomfortable with, the lack of control and believing in myself to admit anything I’m uncomfortable with in the setting in the bedroom-ya know?? like i know my anxiety would hold me back from talking to a partner openly if I ever were to be a subby position which is why I’m not a sub LMAO

this got heavy and long I’m so sorry-

hi our boys are disgusting

god fuck yeah they are 

Aristotle: He/Him - Leo - 18 - 6′4

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? blueee!!!!!!!2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? he loves art books! his mom used to show them to him and he’s collected them ever since. would also like to collect daggers/knives/swords bc he thinks they’re neat 3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? nothing 4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? ohhhh this guys 100% a metal head. leather jackets, spikes, ripped jeans, chains- necklaces and wallet, vans or boots, lots n lots of patches/pins- the whole ordeal! typically only wears reds, blacks, whites, and dark shades. muted colors. 5. What is your OC’s first memory? he was around 4 or 5 and his mother asked him to bake a cake with her, and he agreed, of course. they made a giant 5 layer red velvet cake with chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter chips in between and chocolate fudge drizzled on top/off the sides. they made a HUGE mess in the kitchen and all over themselves and he cherishes this memory so sooo much. 6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? black panthers!!!!! he also loves dogs a lot… he? HATES?? butterflies ???7. What element would your OC be? oh boy fire 8. What is your OC’s theme song? uhhh anything Heavy Metal9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? noooooo, i dont rlly like doing this edrfghu but! he has a deep voice, its warm and deep and kinda ? sultry? idk 10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? wrath. 11. What are your OC’s hobbies? painting!!! learning about history/going to museums, annnnnnd does his bf count? LOL12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? uhhh relatively patient? definitely depends. he’s VERY hot-headed but doesn’t ‘explode’ often 13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? male, gay, and latino! he’s also human wsedrftg14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? fucking LOVES cheese??? and big warm pretzels… CINNAMON ROLLS! hates olives ??? and most fish 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? he’d really want a big cat, doesn’t matter what… just a Big Boy16. What does your OC smell like? warm, cinnamon maybe but also musky and woodsy… but he sometimes just likes smelling Clean and like semi typical guy cologne ??? or just Expensive smelling cologne,,, idk he always smells really fucking good sedfgh17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? uhhh right Now he’s just graduated high school and issss looking for work… doesn’t really know what he wants to be, honestly. he’s still trying to figure everything out 18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? he fears losing completely everything he loves, specifically his boyfriend and his brother. a weakness is how hard he is on himself, and how much he isolates/pushes people away when he’s low. a strength is just how warm and caring he is. how much he loves. even if he doesn’t always see himself as strong, he is. he really, really is19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? h e a v y  m e t a l  h e ‘ s  a  f u c k i n g  m e t a l h e a d i havent looked too into it so i don’t know about songs, i WILL look into it at some point20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? he live on this hell planet, sadly 21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? the death of his mom… and his anger… he blames himself for her death and hes struggling hard with it, since his father doesn’t help at all and blames him, too. a pet peeve he has is people leaving doors or cabinets open, it makes him so mad dftgyhu just fucking close them 22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? heee was a good one ? hardest subject for him was english :/ mainly got A’s! except for english 23. What is a random fact about your OC? he cannot bake or cook anything EXCEPT breakfast foods 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? he… didnt see a future until he met his boyfriend, nathan… after his mom died, so did everything else 25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? amber wanted to play the sims and she told me to create 2 characters but i said hey! i do one, you do one! and then we were fucking idiots and turned them into ocs dfyudfhjkl; its soooo recent that nothings changed LOL im still developing him, as i am with all of my ocs 26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? nathan… he gave him a second chance at life, he gave him a reason to want to stay alive, a future. also jordan is super super important to him they bffs xoxo (edit: dan n ty also mean the world to him) at his current age… his dad. their relationship does eventually get better but right now, hes the least important but has such a big impact on him it hurts27. What kind of childhood did your character have? A GOOD GOOD GOOOOOOD ASS CHILDHOOD up until 16 it was soooo good… his moms his best friend, he n his brother hung out all the time, and his dad wasn’t so angry or drunk28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? he picks at his nails when hes nervous, but it doesnt happen very often so its nothing he tends to worry about. heee doesn’t stim but fucking loves paint mixing videos those are his shit uhhh no, no addictions… unless you literally count his bf wertyui29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? “If You Sit On My Grave I WILL Haunt You” or “Long Live The King” because he’s a stupid fucking leo30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? yesssssssss he wants to marry nathan So Bad sedrftyui he’s unsure about kids, though… kinda just wants a couple pets 31. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? his mom died on his 16th birthday driving to come pick him up. anything involving nathan… doesn’t even matter what it is, he just loves him so much32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? his mom back33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? uhhh probablyyyyy not… he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he actually killed someone,,,34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? uh he likes concerts n shit but its not like,,, a social group thing… he doesnt do that shit…35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? very vivid imagination, is often found daydreaming when hes not painting or with his bf. not really worried, honestly, kinda just lives in the moment and doesnt give a single god damn shit about a thing except on the bad days36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? he wants nathan the most, out of everything- and he has him… but if he didn’t he would do anything for him. anything37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? pees with the door open esdrtyuio38. What would your character do with a million dollars? ooohhhh spoil the shit out of nathan, get a tattoo or 2, and buy art stuff!39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? eggs, leftovers, milk, orange juice, bacon, butter, and syrup. a couple of canvases, paint brushes, the shirt he slept in the night before. a couple of single issue comics, the graphic novel hes reading, a bottle of water, and a tiny art canvas. random plastic, paper, maybe an empty water bottle or 240. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? out with nathan, probably on a date. ripped jeans, dark red sweater, black shirt, boots, wallet chain, necklace chain, and a single dangly earring in his left ear 41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? yell, scream, get super physical. he’s burning, he’s burning, he’s burning. make it stop, better yet, let him thrive 42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? nope! he’s clean for now43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? oooooh uh he says some Shit when he’s pissed, especially to his dad44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? fine? doesn’t really care about it unless its from nathan. oooor if youre just being a shithead hell tell you off45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? he enjoys it, wouldn’t mind it at all tbh46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? fuck, yeah. he’d do something stupid to it to see if it works and then display it in his room or give it to his bf47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? hellllll yeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. everything, anything48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? his mom was his best friend and the reason why he is the way he is. his dad was a good man, but now hes a stupid angry drunk who blames ari for his mothers death. its affected him positively and negatively, hes loving and passionate like his mother but insecure and doubtful because of his father49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? d o  n o t  l e t  h i m  h a v e  a  l o t  o f  c a n d y  p l e a s e 50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? would probably elope with nathan, do some crazy shit, and hope to god he doesn’t actually fucking die 

Jordan: He/Him - Sagittarius - 19 - 6′2

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? light green2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? stamps, stickers, beanies, anything aquatic-themed, and tarot cards/witchy stuff!3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? bananas…4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? lazy type clothes, very sluggish. lots of oversized cardigans, hoodies, and sweaters. baggy shirts, but he religiously wears jeans. likes chains but preferably small ones, and usually only wallet chains. likes wearing a ring on each thumb and if hes Feelin it a couple more! punkish basically 5. What is your OC’s first memory? spying on his brother and dad training outside in the barn6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? he has a giant soft spot for cows but his favorite is whale sharks!!! he doesn’t really like frogs 7. What element would your OC be? water! but with Slight fire8. What is your OC’s theme song? something slow and sad, probably 9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? no! his voice is soft and low, like a lullaby. very warm and comforting, but also a lil husky10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? envy/lust/greed wsedfg11. What are your OC’s hobbies? reading, using tarot cards, organizing his stamps/stickers, watching documentaries, and making sure aristotle doesn’t do anything Stupid12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? he’s pretty patient but he’s also pretty hot headed. he Will lash out when angry :/13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? male, bisexual, white (russian/american) also a human sedryui14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? loooovvveeessss chocolate chip waffles! and breakfast foods in general. hates peas and green beans 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? a cowwwww… they remind him of his mom dfghj16. What does your OC smell like? clean but ? kinda minty!17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? he currently works at a little bookshop/coffeeshop! he likes it but he wants to do something more when he’s graduated from college. 18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? his father and crickets. how emotionally attached he gets to people. how warm and soft he is, he never stops caring for others 19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? goth, heavy metal, sad/emo shit20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? he live here Binch21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? his whole family besides his father is dead and he’s all alone with nobody to turn to. he h a t e s crunching noises. so much. also fucking HATES when people poke holes in shit just STop. 22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? actually really really good, even though he looks like a fucking slacker esdrftgyhu probably got all A’s23. What is a random fact about your OC? he always has his fingernails and toenails painted black or dark red/purple24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? fuck man he doesn’t wanna live hes so fucking Tired his dark circles are permanent but ari makes life worth living sdfg25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? …once upon a time amber and i made a gang au with ari n nathan and promptly made jordan for the Shits and Giggles but it turns out i fell in love and way too deep making his character, thanks!26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? aristotle, probably, because he assumes his mom is dead. least is his dad whos a fucking asshole murdering cuck27. What kind of childhood did your character have? uhhhh Not Good ill tell you that. his father only married and brought his mom to russia so she could give him kids, preferably boys. first was nikolai, second was kazimir jordan, and lastly was feliks. they were all 2 years apart, making nikolai and feliks 4, so they were all close in age and played together often. his father was most proud of nikolai but feliks had been showing signs of possibly exceeding all of their expectations. kazimir was last in everything, but he was his mothers favorite. he’ll never forgive his father for torturing him and killing everyone he loved. 28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? he often picks at his nail polish, or the skin around his nails. definitely fidgets with his hands often. doesn’t stim but follows a lot of soap carving and squishy videos, also likes bread/cooking ones. he’s kind of addicted to red bulls but he’s cutting back and resorting to coffee, which he drinks black29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? “hell’s waiting for me so watch your back”30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? maybe married but almost Definitely no kids. no thanks. xoxo31. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? his father dragged him into the barns once after he accidentally spilled something over an ‘important’ paper so his father branded him with a cross on his side. his mother used to braid his hair with baby’s breath in it when theyd play out in the field, just her and the 3 boys running around, having fun. it was peaceful, bliss32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? to tell his mother he was sorry and that he’ll never stop loving her33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? no, he’s seen what killing someone does to people34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? i dont really like this question edrtyu35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? hes so tired all the time hes often in the clouds, never really focusing. daydreams a lot to make it through each day, pretending hes someone hes not. hoping that his mother is actually still alive, and that he doesnt have to keep reliving memories. they wont stop fading, he keeps getting them jumbled. he just wants to make more with her, be with her one last time36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? his moooooooooom, he’d do anything for her37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? he has to turn door knobs twice before actually opening a door 38. What would your character do with a million dollars? that’s so overwhelming to him but probably pay off college shit sdfghj debt is So Scary 39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? yogurt, water bottles, red bull, orange soda, and some strawberries. a pair of jeans and boxers and random books hes checked out from the library. a half empty can of red bull, the book hes currentl reading, a beanie, and a cute little jar of jelly beans ari got him. garbage can has crumbled up balls of paper, empty red bull cans, empty bottle of soda, and an old textbook.40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? probably aristotle and nathan to a concert/out to eat. wears black jeans, a baggy red and black striped sweater with a black shirt underneath, boots or vans, and prolly a wallet chain + his thumb rings41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? he screams and yanks on his hair fgyuhlj;k42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? heee has a cross on his side, and a few Light scars on his face- over his bottom lip, on his forehead and on the left side of his cheek/jaw. a couple on his back and arms as well most of them are from his father…43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? he’s never said anything Out Loud but in his head he says shit all the time dxgfhgjhjlio hes a snarky son of a gun44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? he will go home and Cry about it later 45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? eh its Ok46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? hes pretty paranoid about it and probably shows it to ari like ‘bitch what the FUCK’47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? he doodles mindlessly when hes bored in class 48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? uhhhh his dad is a big Cuck but his mom is an Angel and the best person he’s ever met. this has fucked him over hard bc hes father took her away from him and now he has nothing left so hes an anxious, paranoid Mess49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? he l o v e s candy pls50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? Kill Him Now

Tyler: He/Him - Pisces - 22 - 5′7

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? baby blue and pink!2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? nail polish, lamb stuffed animals, comics, seashells, and washi tapes 3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? nothin4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? he likes soft colors, pastel. sweaters are his favorite but he also likes long sleeved shirts. dresses pretty feminine, isn’t a fan of dark colors on himself unless its his boyfriends clothes5. What is your OC’s first memory? when he was around 4 or 5 he was riding his bike when he hit a rock and went flying forward, causing him to scrape his knees and his nose to bleed 6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? l o v e s  l a m b s and snails, doesn’t really like salamanders 7. What element would your OC be? w a t e r 8. What is your OC’s theme song? something soft and not too upbeat 9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? he has a very smooth and kind of feminine voice ? but its masculine enough to not misgender him,,,10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? envy???11. What are your OC’s hobbies? painting his nails, drawing/sketching, reading comics and graphic novels, watching documentaries, and journaling!12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? very patient and rarely hot headed, gets more agitated or annoyed 13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? male, gay, white human boy14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? would Die for milkshakes he loves them so fucking much, isnt a big fan of hamburgers/beef in general 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? a lamb or sheep he is so infatuated with them. they are so so soooo cute 16. What does your OC smell like? strawberries and cream!17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? heee currently works odd hours at a gas station, it’s definitely not his dream job but its not super awful… most of the time. he wants to go to art school, actually, to learn to make jewelry and to learn how to do more with his art18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? abandonment and ultimate loneliness. he’s really self conscious but he loves with all hes got and he loves so much, and so hard19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? bubblegum pop, kpop, jpop, and some indie music!20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? he here 21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? he’s self conscious and in recovery for self harm/an eating disorder but he’s doing really well! its still hard but he’s pushing through… he hates having chipped nails drftugyihuo as soon as one chips, even a little, he repaints them as soon as he can22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? he was a nerd he got straight A’s and actually enjoyed school kinda erdtfyuio but only because he loves to learn, not the actual people or atmosphere 23. What is a random fact about your OC? is really interested in astrology and loves reading his horoscope 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? he’s honestly trying to still figure that out but the more time he spends with his boyfriend, the more he wants to live and have a happy future with him25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? amber made dan, dan needed a love interest, tada!26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? daaaaaannnn, his boyfriend, nathan his best friend (+ari)  annnnnnd uh ? nobody really ??? 27. What kind of childhood did your character have? he had a pretty alright childhood, kind of lonely…28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? plays with his ears if he’s super nervous, really fucking loves slime to stim and help him calm down- or chews on something29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? something gay, probably 30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? yes and yes!!! he wants to get married and have a family with dan :331. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? dan got into a bad bar fight once, he was having a shitty day and the guy was being an absolute douchebag asshole and tyler wasn’t there to help him or stop him and it was just… bad… once dan took him to a petting zoo to meet and pet some sheep and he cried because it was quite possibly the nicest thing anyones ever done for him and then the dumbass also set up a picnic for afterwards and he fucking bawled again stupid gay saps32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? the funds for college esdrtf33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? nope he is a soft crybaby 34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? i dont LIKE this fucking q smfh35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? he daydreams a lot, yeah, and hes almost always worried because his anxiety is an absolute bitch but hes working on it36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? he just wants dan and to go to art school37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? he has to say goodnight to all of his stuffed animals before bed every night sdfgfgghj38. What would your character do with a million dollars? a r t  s c h o o l39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? strawberries, mangos, chocolate almond milk, leftover food from a restaurant he went to with dan, and some chocolate syrup. nothing, he has to keep his room clean always. nightstand has a graphic novel and book hes currently reading, a note/poem from dan with a small lamb he got him, and a bottle of peach tea. 40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? somewhere really really fancy with dan! he’d wear a cute suit, a white one with a pastel yellow button up shirt and a black tie. wears the necklace dan got him and probably a few dainty rings that match well together/when layered 41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? he cries. a lot. he gets really overwhelmed when he’s angry, and tends to scream or yell42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? on his arms from self harm, his hips as well… 43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? he doesn’t like saying rude things44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? uhhh if he asks he’ll probably take what the person says into consideration but if he hasnt asked, he’ll get mad/sad 45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? he like it46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? he gives it to dan rdyftugyhio47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? s e n d  h i m  t o  a r t  s c h o o l  p l e a s e48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? err his parents were kind of absent a lot, they traveled so much for business that he was often alone, only himself for company. his mom was loving, for the most part, when she was home. she got drunk quite often, though, but that just made her more giggly and unfocused. his dad… was hard on him, kinda abusive. often ignored him, honestly, unless it came to school and ‘being a man.’ he can be very distant at times, and self isolates often… yet he’s afraid of being alone, he doesn’t want to be abandoned, so he loves the wrong people, stays with the wrong people, because it seems right. if they stay, ill be okay, even if im still crying. even if it still hurts 49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? he does like candy! gets sugar rushes sometimes sdrftugyu dan finds it so fucking cute bc he’s so hyper and giggly 50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? oh please don’t stress him out like that…

Alexander: He/They - Virgo - 24 - 6′0

1. What is your OC’s favorite color? dark purple2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect? swords, dragons, and bookmarks3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to? dairy and bees4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear? what he actually has to wear differs from what he personally likes. his father is the king so because of that, he often has to wear a lot of suits/prince attire. but personally, when he doesnt have to be Prince, he likes to wear dark and comfy clothes, a lazy emo5. What is your OC’s first memory? he vaguely remembers aster being born and wanting to help his mom take care of her 6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite? dragons!!! doesnt have a least favorite??? maybe mosquitos 7. What element would your OC be? hhhhh water 8. What is your OC’s theme song? something heavy and dark9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC? he has a charming n husky kinda voice !10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC? greed or envy11. What are your OC’s hobbies? fighting, taking care of dragons, making rings, and reading historical books12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they? he’s been trained to be patient, for the most part, but when he’s passionate about something he tends to get hot-headed sometimes 13. What is your OC’s gender / sexuality / race / species / etc.? non-binary, bisexual, he’s an alien so he’s kinda pinkish… same color as aster but a little lighter 14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods? loves seafood… isn’t really into eggs 15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why? he Has his dream pet, a dragon, so he’s Good16. What does your OC smell like? woodsy and clean 17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job? he’s a prince but he works with dragons a lot!!! it’s his Dream… or to sell his rings 18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths? commitment, losing his family, and sharks. he gets too lost in his head at times, distances himself from everyone. he’s physically very strong and a charming/calm guy by nature 19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song? he’s not the biggest music guy but enjoys rock/alternative/emo stuff20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do? curious about everything, goes into almost every shop he can find and tries out so many different foods…21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves? his last relationship was Bad and he’s still very much affected by it… he hates wearing socks to bed dfyguh it annoys him so much22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school? excellent, top of his class23. What is a random fact about your OC? he loves tattoos and would love to be covered in them one day 24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living? currently, his outlook is very bleak dxfyuibj he’s really sad,,,25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them? i gave aster siblings and then slowly developed him in my head!26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why? his family, specifically his siblings, anddd his ex boyfriend still haunts his almost every thought and action :/27. What kind of childhood did your character have? good!!! he and his siblings did so much stuff together dxfghjkl; i Love them28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions? twists his rings a lot or shakes his leg when he’s nervous. doesn’t stim 29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose? fuck, man, i have no fucking clue and neither does he30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why? currently, no31. What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory? his ex boyfriend tried to kill him once. he relives that memory almost everyday, and hates himself for not telling anybody about it. his siblings always know how to cheer him up, which he’s soooo grateful for. the 3 of them went to an amusement park once and just had so much fun, eating waaaay too much and going on all of the rides 32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be? happiness33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why? er probably wouldn’t but if it was his ex… he would reconsider 34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually? his dads the king, hes a prince, so he often finds himself at balls or parties and pretends to be super charming and openly available for marriage, even though he doesn’t want it and his younger brother will most likely take the throne instead35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories? he never stops living in daydreams or memories and would like it all to just. stop. let him b r e a t h e36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain? peace. he wants everything to stop, he wants his head to stop convincing him somethings wrong when hes fine and he wants his thoughts to stop wants the voices gone.37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do? he sucks skittles and starbursts for a long ass time before actually eating them…38. What would your character do with a million dollars? donate it all 39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can? nothing dfhgjk he hasn’t restocked it yet,,, probably some clothes and random books lying around. uhhh probably some alcohol, candy, and a map. crumpled up paper and wrappers in his garbage can40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with? uh probably alone and to get wasted or high,,, doesnt matter where :/41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why? self isolates and simmers in his anger, throws shit and screams because hes so mad/frustrated 42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from? theres some cigarette burns on his thighs from his ex, a couple on his back and arms/legs from either fighting or his ex… there’s probably more but id have to think a lot more on his ex and stuff, which i will do eventually!43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said? towards the end of his relationship he probably said some harsh things to his ex44. How does your character react/ accept criticism? fine unless its super personal to him, then it reminds him of his ex and he cant focus on anything, he shuts down45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza? inhales it. please feed him46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works? stares at it for so long.. would probably carry it with him always dsfgjkl;47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle? he things drawing buildings is super relaxing…48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult? very loving! hes very grateful for them and how supportive they are, even if its unconventional to being next in line for the throne. they just want him happy more than anything49. Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush? he loves candy, shoves it in his mouth so fast estrytuyul he only gets sugar rushes if he binges on candy around others??? never when hes just munching on it alone50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? i cant say he’d be entirely mad at his current state… would probably say his goodbyes and then just wait, or wander around waiting 

Yooo for the detailed headcanon meme would u mind doing like... all the ones ure able to for Hanschen? Like feel free to skip as many as u want but itd be cool to hear ur thoughts on my Best Boy

Um? Little Hansy Rilow? Jackass Extraordinaire? Love of my life? Ofc I’ll do as many as I can!! Thanks so much for sending these! I hope you like them and I’m sorry they took me so long! (Also I answered these out of order and towards the end I was running a bit low on steam so there are some answers that are Not So Good mixed in there, sorry)

Under the cut or on Ao3 here :) 

1. What does their bedroom look like?

I think for the most part it would be tidy. Bed made, desk (mostly) clear, etc. He’s got some laundry on the floor, a couple of books lying about, and his jacket as well as his school things are never put away but everything else is in it’s place. 

His desk is by the window so he can make good use of natural light and It’s usually got assignments for school on it as well as whatever books might go along with them when he’s not using it. 

He keeps a small collection of books in his room- his favourites. Whatever he’s currently reading is kept on his bedside table and everything else is stacked by his desk but they should be on the shelf in the living room. 

He’s a nerd.

2. Do they have any daily rituals?

 I don’t think he would, not outside what he needs to do (school). Not unless you count him monologuing while he masturbates as a ritual, I have a feeling that’s a daily thing. 

3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

 He does not, he would much rather lounge somewhere comfy with something he finds enjoyable. A book, a person, a puzzle, etc. 

4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

I can see him being like “Everybody, get out of my way” (This is meant to be read in John Mulaney’s voice from the thing where he followed this with something like “I’m just here to feed my birds”) but I can also see him just clearing enough space for himself and getting to work. I guess it depends on who’s in the kitchen making what and what he’s going to be making. He’s not going to be interrupting someone that’s making cake or pastries just so he can cut vegetables in peace. 

5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

His parents/governess were somewhat strict about cleanliness when he was a child so he makes an effort to keep himself well groomed, especially when adults are present. No dirt under his fingernails, his clothes and hair are neat etc. He’s less concerned about it when he’s with the other boys and even less when he’s relaxing, either by himself or with Ernst, but he still somewhat pays attention to how much dirt he’s getting on himself or how much work it will take him to make himself look properly presentable before he finds himself around adults again. 

I think I got into workspace okay with his bedroom? He’s mostly tidy because he has to be, any disorder in his room can easily be taken care of. 

6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

I think he would love sweet things (candy, fruit, berries, etc) and he’s always a slut for baked goods. I have no idea what kind of things ppl usually ate in 1890′s Germany. 

7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

He only really considers time wasted if he’s not spending it on something he likes to do or needs to do. So he has no favourite way to waste time, he only feels as though he’s wasting time if he’s bored out of his mind for no good reason. 

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

Ernst. It really isn’t safe for him to be smooshing booties in a vineyard with another boy but? He’s doing it. And being all poetic about it too ofc, he really likes Ernst. 

If he can indulge he will, he loves it. Life’s too short to deny himself pleasure, so long as said pleasure doesn’t harm him and/or get in the way of him becoming a millionaire.  

9. Makeup?

None. I can see him maybe trying, or at least wanting to try makeup at some point? Never with anyone around or if there was a chance of someone catching him though. (I’m a sucker for boys in makeup tho and I think modern Hanschen would enjoy makeup. If u want to hear a bit more abt that u know how 2 contact me)

10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Neurotypical Hans™

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Literature and languages. He loves reading, loves diving into a book and analyzing characters, plot, symbolism, all of it. He loves talking about them as well, he could talk for hours about his favourites. He’s fascinated by other languages and speaks a handful rather fluently as an adult. He probably also enjoys reading the same book but translated into different languages because no translation is exact and it’s always interesting to see a slightly different take on things. 

I can also see him having interest in biology? Because science is fascinating and it’s amazing how diverse and intricately designed living things can be. 

12. Favorite book genre?

He talks about the books he likes when he’s jerking off so I don’t think I really need to get into that lmao 

13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

Multisexual. Bi/pan/ply/whatever. A pretty person is a pretty person & all that.

I think he might see the idea of sexual orientation as a little silly or perhaps performative? He understands that he’s expected to only like women and knows that once he’s older he’ll be expected to marry one, to have children etc etc. So for the most part he keeps his attraction to men to himself (Ernst being a very obvious exception, likely not the only one but it’s not something he would ever reveal lightly) and he thinks that most people are doing the same in order to avoid being judged negatively by their community.

Something along the lines of “everyone is only acting like they’re exclusively attracted to the opposite sex because it’s what’s seen as normal. They don’t want everyone else to point fingers at them calling them sinners and sexual deviants and condemning them to hell so they deny themselves half the beauty the world has to offer. For this same reason, they’re quick to attack anyone around them who might be revealed as queer. They’re so focused on keeping their own secret safe that they never realize everyone around them is keeping exactly the same one.”  

14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Biggest: “When I am amillionaire”Smallest: I don’t think he has any small goals tbh ? 

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

I’m not rly sure what this one’s asking tbh?? He likes looking nice tho.

18. Favorite beverage?

Hot chocolate 

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?

(I think a recurring theme would be his future- what he wants, what he can get, how he can get it etc.)

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

I’m stickin 2 sex ones bc otherwise it’s Too Vague and stresses me tf out tbh

Turn-ons: hair pulling, necking (he loves hickies but he’s strict about not having any that might be visible), being straddled, nice thighs, a good ass, little gasps and moans, begging

Turn-offs: bad kissing, poor hygiene, not listening to/paying attention to his feedback, going too fast (Mr. “half-closed eyes, half-open mouths, and turkish draperies” would Def love foreplay and teasing,, trying to skip right over it is? A no.)

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

See 1  

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

See 11 (he’s pretty good at everything tho)

25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

Long dead because it’s 2017, but 5 years from the show he probably sees himself in university. 

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

I don’t know what his plans would be but I’m sure he’s got some cushy career in mind that he wants to work towards. He’s a Rilow, he doesn’t need a backup plan. 

27. What is their biggest regret?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Ernst. His worst enemy is probably whoever is second in the class rankings, if you go by the play. Melchior in the musical. Little Hans is In It To Win It. 

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

His brain shuts down for a minute and then he realizes that yes, this is happening and oh dear god I need to get out of here. He tries (and fails) to give the impression that he is calm, cool, and collected but he’s doing pretty good for someone who is screaming internally as loudly as he is.    

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

He just keeps going. He tries to act like everything is fine, to show that he’s strong. The second he’s alone he deflates. He’s depressed af but does everything he can to hide it. 

31. Most prized possession?

I’m not sure what exactly, but it’s something fancy and adult that makes him feel sophisticated. He won’t admit how much he loves it though. 

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

33. Concept of home and family?

He thinks of it as faintly ridiculous. 

“Why are these people somehow more important than others simply because you share blood? Shouldn’t the value of your relationship with someone have more to do with how well you get along and care for each other? What’s the point of marriage, you put on a show so you can have children as you’re expected to and this absurd cycle repeats with your children and so on.”

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

He greatly values his privacy, he usually only shares exactly as much information as is necessary. Unless he trusts you, in which case he doesn’t s hut the fu ck u p 

35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

See 7

36. What makes them feel guilty?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

Analytical for the most part. He knows what he wants out of life and  what he needs to do to put him on the path to getting it. I feel like he operates with a mindset a bit like “people can leave you but things are forever” and so he’s pretty okay with making decisions that hurt people (himself included) if it will benefit him financially, academically, raise his social status etc. 

38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

A? I don’t know tbh, my knowledge about this is limited to the 30 seconds I spent skimming the wiki article   

39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Peace and quiet, being alone. Bonus points if he’s somewhere pretty and/or rly comfortable.  

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

I don’t feel I know enough about either to say lmao  

41. How misanthropic are they?

He thinks people are ridiculous, h

ryan sent me a post abt dragon dicks which got me rambling abt this one furry i follow and. lowkey shattered my train of thought, I don’t remember what i was planing 2 say here and I’m too tired to start the Thought Translation Process over again lmao 

42. Hobbies?

Reading, puzzles, Ernst, calligraphy, 

43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

He completed university. The only real difference between formal education and self-education is if you have a diploma people will believe you when you say you know what you’re talking about.  

44. Religion?

He’s whatever everyone else is. I don’t what religion everyone is in the show,, I don’t know shit abt religion tbh. But he believes in god, though he’s not as devout as everyone else. 

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

Foolish. Ridiculous. Absurd. Childish. He believes in them.

46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Words mostly. He’s excellent with them and loves to talk and talk and talk. 

47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

Ernst, probably. I don’t doubt that Hans loves him dearly but I don’t think he’s in love.  

48. How do they express love?

He talks about milk. 

I can’t think of anything lmao

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

Tbh I can’t imagine him fighting. He probably just says something that pisses someone off and then gets knocked flat on his ass. 

50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

I don’t think so, I think he feels almost like. I don’t think invincible would be the right word, but he sees no reason to fear it at his age. Yes, Wendla and Moritz died, but he has no plans to kill himself and he can’t get pregnant so a botched abortion isn’t a threat to him. He’s in good health and he’s got his wits about him. What is there for him to be afraid of? He can worry about dying later. 

hm, 28-34 for jack, anze and sharni?

28 Describe this character’s siblings or other close relatives.Sharni: She has no siblings, the closest relative she had was her father, who sold her to be a slave to keep himself fed. Before she had a chance to meet him again after she was an adult, he was already deadJack: His brother Samuel always outshined him in everythinh, he was the golden boy in the family while Jack dropped out of school and went his own shady ways. Sam bever lost hope in Jack and used to write him regulary when Jack was gone for long times and when in prisonAnže: His little sister Anette, the only woman he'll ever love, he cherises her and always puts her before himself, the reason she's even in the military in a high rank as she is, it's because Anže doesn't know how to say no to her29 Describe this character’s bedroom. Include three cherished items.Sharni: going for the palace bedroom bc tents aren't as fancy. It's big, with lots of windows and candles to light the place, satin bedsheets and lots of colors. She keeps her necklace on her nightstand, the ring Nayden gave her long time ago, and her crown are the only things that relly matter to herJack: it's a shaggy backroom of his garage, mattress on the floor and empty whiskey bottles. He has a small photo album of his brother, his wife, ellen as a little girl, alia, and mirad later on, his old phone with all the text sam had sent him, and the last ever vodka bottle he ever drankAnže: it's quite large for a man that rarely spends time there, king sized bed with fine cotton sheets and fluffy pillows. He mostly keeps his family heirlooms there, like the crest of the Sowka family, an old sword, and his father's chestpiece30 What is this character’s birthdate? How does this character manifest traits of his/her astrological sign?I have no clue about fantasy nor space calendars my guy, not a single clue31 If this character had to live in seclusion for six months, what six items would s/he bring?Sharni: three of the items would be books, then some yarn and maybe paper and charocalJack: his phone, pillow, blanket, a little food Anže: his paperwork and quill unpolished swords and metal polish, Nics32 Why is this character angry?Sharni: she was betrayed sp many times by the men she trusted, and still people keep asking her why is she so scared when men come close to herJack: at himself, at the condition he's in, if there was something he could've done to save sam, or alia, how he's so unlovable Anže: all this work pushed at him just because he happens to be the first son of the oh so great Andrei Sowka, yeah sure he does like his job, but does he need to be reminded where he came every two minutes. He has accomplished more than his father ever did and still he had to fight for his honor33 What calms this character?Sharni: someone singing to her, or just keeping company, not even needing to talk, just be there, some crappy joke and pun is a great way tooJack: listening to his worries, eating and sleeping/cuddling. Sometimes going through his photo album and remembering why he is still hereAnže: be in his own peace with no work or Rene pushing some ridicilous policy, it's Nics who first shows him this side of himself, and it's not that bad34 Describe a reoccurring dream or nightmare this character might have.Sharni: She sees dreams when she has had a flashback, it's her quiet place, a meadow woth her cottage on a little hill, Helga is there with her, so is Maya and Nayden to calm her downJack: nightmares of what he thinks happened to Sam and his wife, a plane crash? House fire? Murder? He has seen all the possibilities in his nightmaresAnže: when he sleeps it's the sweet sweet pitch black of nothing, he doesn't dream, sees nightmares rarely, mostly about his childhood and the soldiers dead under his commands

113 and 149!

113. What was your childhood nickname?

My high school nickname was actually Toni, and only my old high school friends still call me that, the couple times a year that I get to see them. It was actually a bit of a process, to arrive at that nickname. My name is Ashton, and at first, way back when, I was called Ashtonio by my friends for a while. Then that shortened to Tonio, and then finally to Toni, and Toni stuck. 

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Oh lort, do I ever. Idk if I’d call them ghosts, more spirits. I actually told the long, creepy ass experience I had at my old Philly apartment involving a spirit(s) back around Halloween, but will gladly tell it again. Settle in for a long ass story, if you care enough to read it :P *putting a keep reading bar bc this is a long one*

So I lived in a really old, big apartment with 2 roommates for 2 years (I moved out about a year and a half ago) and we all 3 are CONVINCED we had at least one ghost in our apartment. Like…so much weird shit happened. The first week we moved in, our gas stove turned on 3 mornings in a row…by itself. Like, we all woke up to the smell of gas in the apartment, and went out to find the one knob had been pushed in and turned over. And we would randomly lose stuff, and then it would pop up in the most random places (a candle, a dish towel, random papers). 

My one roommate is a huge believer in spirits, I’m in the middle (I believe in them, but am not super connected to them like she is) and my other roommate was a huge skeptic. Well, by the end of the 2 years we all firmly believed in this ghost(s). We had all wooden floors in the apartment, and my believer roommate was the first one to tell us that when she was home alone, she would hear footsteps going up and down the long hallway we had that connected the bedrooms to the living room. And we were on the top floor, so it wasn’t anyone walking above us. And we didn’t share any walls with any neighbors, since the only other apartment on our floor was separated from our apartment by the staircase. She also said she heard my bedroom door shut the one day, but I, nor anyone else except her, was home. She also had a pitbull, who would randomly stare at the corner of the hallway and bark, as well as one time she stared at the top ceiling corner in my bedroom, which was the bedroom closest to the hallway, and barked (and this dog NEVER barked at anything; like, a burgler could’ve came in and she would’ve just sat there silently and watched). I was semi skeptical, but also believed her, so was cautious when I was home alone. 

After the first couple months, I started hearing shit too. I would be home alone, with the dog and cat sleeping beside me on the couch, and would distinctly hear footsteps going down the hall. Once I even swore I heard the front door open, so I yelled to see which roommate had returned. When no one answered, I got up to look, and there was no one there. And the dog had also heard it and ran to look, thinking someone was home. When I texted both my roommates, neither one was anywhere near the apartment. It freaked me the hell out, because the footsteps especially happened fairly often when I was home alone, to the point where I almost became used to them, in a weird way. I think having the pets there really helped me from peeing my pants on the regular. 

WELL, the scariest moment, for me, was during our first Christmas break in the apartment. We were all three grad students at the time, so were able to go home over break. I had come back first, 2 days after Christmas, and it was just me and my one cat at that point who were in the apartment. My believer roommate was coming back the next day, and the skeptic roommate wasn’t coming back for another week. It was late at night, and I was in my bedroom, in bed, derping around on my laptop, with my cat at the foot of the bed. And all of a sudden, I heard someone walking around in the living room, which was on the other side of the wall from my bedroom. Like, it legit sounded like a man pacing back and forth across the living room, shuffling papers (I’m getting chills just typing this). I froze, and looked at my cat, who had woken from a dead sleep, jumped off the bed, went to my doorway, and he was staring down the hallway at the living room all freaked out and puffed up. So I KNEW that he had heard it too. I legit was convinced that someone had broken into the apartment, and I grabbed my field hockey stick and phone, ready to dial 911. 

I crept down the hall, but the noise had stopped. And when I finally was brave enough to jump around the corner into the living room…there was no one there. Both our front and back doors were still bolted, and we lived on the 4th floor, so no one had crawled in a window. I then stood in the middle of the living room and looked down at my cat like, “WTF just happened?” And at that moment, every single hair on my body stood up, and I just had this overwhelming sensation that I wasn’t alone in the room, and that someone/something was standing in the room, watching me. It sent so much fear through me that I literally sprinted down the hall to my bedroom, and my cat ran down the hall after me, as well. We went into the bedroom, I closed and bolted my door, turned off the lights, and crawled under the covers. 

I then texted my believer roommate, and at that point I was legit crying, I was so scared, and told her what had happened. She had always told me that when I felt like there were spirits nearby, to say out loud, “There’s a white light surrounding me” and envision it, so that the spirits would stay away (her grandmother was like a shaman of sorts and all into spirit stuff, and had taught her that). So I laid there and repeated it over and over until I finally fell asleep. But dear god, that was the scariest thing ever. 

My skeptic roommate thought both of us were crazy, and she firmly didn’t believe in the ghost…for about 8 months. She was always the one to say out loud, “I don’t believe in you” and she kinda taunted it/them, because she thought it/they were fake. Well…she got quite the experience. There was a day where I woke up late, around like 10am, and when I came out of my bedroom, she accosted me and asked if I had been awake around 7am and if I had gone into her bedroom. I was like wtf no, I was asleep. And our other roommate had been at her boyfriend’s for the night, so she wasn’t home. My roommate was so scared, she wouldn’t even tell me what had happened for almost an entire 24 hours. Finally, she admitted that she had gotten up really early to write a research paper for class. She said that around 7am she pushed her chair back from her desk (it was a wooden chair with no wheels) and went to the bathroom. She said when she came back, that the chair was turned exactly 180 degrees, facing away from the desk. She then ALSO told me that she had woken up in the middle of the night around like 2 or 3am, and wasn’t sure what had woken her, because usually she sleeps like the dead. She was laying there and said she distinctly heard a child’s laugh come from the middle of her bedroom. That, coupled with the chair turn the next morning, freaked her out so much, and since that day, she was switched into a believer about there being at least one ghost in the apartment. 

However, all my experiences were with a spirit that seemed to be an adult male, not a child. I even had a friend who’s really in touch with spirits spend the night at our apartment, and she said she woke up in the middle of the night and swore she saw the shadow outline of a man standing in the living room doorway (that connected to the hallway) looking at her. And my roommate’s one friend, who also is into spirits, said that she kept seeing movement out of the corner of her eye in our apartment, and said it looked like a man. And both these people we NEVER told about us thinking we had a ghost, because we didn’t want to look crazy. And yet they both said they saw a man, and it was always around the living room/hallway area. I don’t know if it was a man spirit and also a child spirit (maybe the kid was the one stealing stuff and who turned on the stove when we moved in). 

But also….something else weird, that I didn’t think about until after we had moved out….when we first had moved into this apartment, we cleaned the whole place, top to bottom. I was in charge of cleaning out the 2 huge hallway closets we had. The top shelf was super high, and I had to get a step ladder to reach it. Since I’m a bit OCD, I felt like I needed to clean even that top shelf, so I remember climbing up there and finding random trash and shit…and I also found an old black and white military picture of a young man…I remember showing it to my roommates and thinking that was a weird thing for someone to leave behind, and neither I nor my ex-roommates can remember what we did with that picture, even to this day. It might sound crazy, but part of me swears it’s the man whose spirit stuck around our apartment. But I could be wrong. It’s just weird to me that most of the experiences seemed to happen in the hallway that connected the living room to my bedroom, and that’s where the closet with the picture was.

Sorry long ass answer :P

Put a Number in my Ask

dream time!

so last night i had a dream where like.....at some point this woman who i thought was my mom replaced my stepmom, and she and my dad became SUPER SUPER evil, and the mompostor had the ability to make you do things if she told you to do it, kinda like kilgrave in jessica jones. 

then at some point we began accumulating a bunch of other people, some of whom were kids (presumably like me? my age wasn’t obvious) and others were adults and shit, and they all became basically enslaved in the house under “mama” and her servant My Dad. 

”mama”’s identity was always in a weird flux. like it’s entirely possible she never claimed to be my actual mom, but for some reason i believed she was, but never bothered to ask because i felt like that would sound crazy. bc at some level i knew she almost certainly wasnt my mom, mostly bc i didnt want to believe my mom could be like this. at some point her name was “mary,” but idk if that was my actual mom’s name or “mama”s name. at some point my dad let loose (maybe after i finally asked who mama was) that she was somebody else, with a specific name. i remember the last name was doan, but i dont remember the first name. but at the end of it all, she had a different name, so idk.

anyways, life under mama and my dad was really shitty. we basically were slaves to them, and if anybody ever acted up or tried to escape or revolt, they’d just kill you. or if you had friends or accomplices in your attempts, mama’d mind control you into killing them. at some point mama just sorta never left the bedroom (which was a lot like my mom when she was sick, further adding to my confusion), and was just this scary threat my dad held over us. my dad was scary enough, but “if you don’t behave, i’ll have to tell mama.”

somewhat unrelated note: as is common with a lot of my dreams, i’m a boy, and also my childhood friend david is still my (sometimes come-and-go) best friend, and also either i have a crush on him, we have an implied relationship, or he has a crush on me. in this case, he had a crush on me, but i was really wary of him. (there’s a reason come middle school-ish we stopped being friends - he was an asshole. and around when we graduated high school, i ended up meeting him again, and then later learning from someone else that he had r*ped someone. so yeah, a lot of the times, i remember that shit while in my dream, and try to disassociate from him, or reject his advances.) also, he’s just not cute. at all.

anyways, at some point - after a lot of people, people i was friends with, people who everybody liked, ended up dead, their strangely undecaying bodies stuffed in closets or just left out, put on chairs and stuff - i come to the realization, completely on my own, without actually testing it, that i’ve become immune to mama’s mind-control stuff, presumably because i’ve been with her longer than anybody else there.

at some point, i think either out of rage or desperation on someone else’s behalf, i uh, somehow killed my dad with scissors, by “cutting his head off”? his head didnt actually come off, i just had to like.....chop chop chop with the scissors over and over until it was completely cut through, except it was still......attached? like you couldn’t knock if off, but there was nothing holding it there. it was weird. also, no blood.

anyways, after that, i basically impromptu come up with my plan to overthrow mama. basically, i have to go to her room and kill her without letting anyone else know, and then i have to try to get everybody still alive out of the house and very far away.

so, i go to the room, and she’s just sitting there, kinda blankly staring at the wall, with these two other “doll-like” corpses that, at this point, i dont think i even recognized, sitting on either side of her. so i come up to her and start cutting at her neck with the scissors, but at a certain point i’m like ..... “she’s not reacting. at all. she hasn’t moved since i walked in the room.”

so i’m like, “shit. it’s a decoy.” somehow she must have anticipated what i was trying to do. so i started going through some of the other rooms and closets in that end of the house, trying to see if she was hiding somewhere. i don’t find her, but..... i find a lot of the dollified corpses of my friends. stuffed in closets, underneath beds, under piles of clothes. it’s horrifying, but it gives me the resolve to finally end this.

i finally realize she must not be in the house, and so i start setting the next step of my plan in motion as i prepare to go out looking for mama. i go around telling people to gather everybody they can find up, get in cars (which were sometimes....in the house? there were three in the dining room, which was uh....Not That Big irl), pack up food and supplies, and get the hell out of dodge.

so they do, and they’re all in the yard/driveway/street etc. getting ready to roll out, and then out of nowhere, mama shows up. she has somehow also acquired Minecraft Powers, by which i mean she can kinda build up blocks to keep off the ground. she starts telling everybody to stop, put everything up, and go back into the house. and they start to do so.

so i’m really desperate and yell out to them “no! stay here! don’t do that!” and ...... they stop? they go back to the cars and everything. mama tries telling them to go home again, but every time, i tell them not to, and they don’t.

it was implied there was a certain .... “inheritance” of the power i’d gotten from mama, even though she wasn’t actually my mom. except, it was only the “negation” of mama’s power: if she told somebody to do something, i could tell them they don’t have to. i couldn’t actively tell people to do things like mama could. i mean, i could, but it wouldn’t be compulsory. at this point in our escape, i was kinda the de facto leader. so they tended to listen to me anyway.

anyways, we end up having this huge battle against mama, with me sorta acting as a general to lead the attack.

then we finally beat her, and there’s sort of a relieved silence for a bit, then a celebration. then this like......train shows up on the street? except all the cars were just those flat platform cars. the engine had this lady in it, and we had this sorta “end credits” thing with her, where she was kinda the announcer. she called up several of the most notable characters (aside from.....me? i figured since i led the escape and battle, i might be kind of important......but i guess not. also, despite not showing up at any point earlier, some of those notable characters were.....transformers???) to stand on the platforms, and there were sorta moments of remembrance for the ones we lost in the fight and in the house. 

anyways, eventually we all get transported to this other place. like, apparently, either similar situations had happened before, or mama had been to a lot of other houses before us. so this was kind of like a “safe haven” or even a “heaven” for the people who survived. we were told we had free healthcare, free housing, and a livable allowance per week, but we could get little jobs if we wanted extra money. and that was that.

so i started just kinda chillin, walking around and checking on people. but i start seeing some of the people who died also there? apparently the like, “angel” lady on the train and/or her associates found a way to bring them back, too. it was really great and emotional.

but also uh. i started seeing like .... the specter of my dad. at first it was just random and short lived, and i wasnt sure it was real, thought maybe it was just a hallucination, but eventually i realized it was actually him. i started angrily asking what he was doing there, why he’s there, etc.

eventually i was either told or realized myself that this wasn’t necessarily a “heaven” just for good people. everybody went there, but it had some of the same “temptations” for evil that earth did, but like.....specifically designed to trap evil people, so they could know for sure and send them to “hell”. so that was why my dad was there. (i think mama was just sent straight to hell.)

also, it’s possible my dad was there b/c he wasn’t himself under mama’s control - she twisted and corrupted him into an evil person. so he was put in heaven due to his actions prior to mama, not after. but idk. dream ended around then.

May 22, 2017

Still haven’t heard from anyone regarding jobs or grad school. Grr.....

I’m actually starting to get frustrated. I’ve done research at an R1 on a volunteer basis. There was only so much I was allowed to do b/c I was a visitor and an undergrad. I could only be there 15 hours a week bc of my work schedule and my mentor’s 9-6p schedule. I did a bunch of research at my undergrad institute but could only go so far b/c not only did I really get the mentoring support, or good projects, but I also didn’t even get real supply support. Like when I worked with lasers, I couldn’t even get my mentor to buy green protective glasses - he said there was no money in the dept budget b/c the orgo people got it all. So I mean, I COULD try to volunteer in another lab (or for another fucking year in this lab). I MIGHT have more autonomy given that I now have a bachelor’s degree. But.....And everyone I’ve spoken to says, ‘don’t worry about the grades, it’s about the research.’ It seems to me the only thing I can do at this point is take more courses and get good grades. It’s extremely frustrating to me. I try to do what people tell me to do to climb out of my hole but I never get out. I feel like if I was younger, prettier, blond, a guy, maybe not a POC, people would be more willing to give me the benefit of the doubt or do more or let me do more. I can’t even believe I said that. I NEVER would have said that before. But what else is there at this point? What else can I do? No other mentors or mentorish people have given me any other suggestions on what to do.

I’m really frustrated in advance of being rejected by this one school, b/c I’ve had, several times now, directors talk with me and tell me to apply and that I have a good chance. Why tell me if you’re going to reject me? But at this point, fuck you. B/c I can do everything you can do, and in the case of R3′s I can do it BETTER as an UNDERGRAD. I’ll get a fucking job, get a fucking master’s, however long it takes, and get into a fucking PhD program. 

But I’m sick and tired of not qualifying for undergrad opportunities, then when I finally graduate, I still don’t qualify for post-grad opportunities. And now, even though everyone told me once I got my bachelor’s it wouldn’t matter that it wasn’t technically in chemistry, I have to justify why I don’t have a bachelor’s in chemistry. And I have to LIE about it! I have to lie and not say it’s because of discrimination (personal against me as a personality, as well as the violating the ADA kind), it’s b/c of my schedule. When the fuck do I get to take off the millstone around my fucking neck?!

Watching the Scandal finale. Apparently it’s gonna fuck me up. At the moment, I was just thrilled to see a female president sworn in. The finale doesn’t make sense. Like, it did for the period of the finale. But then when I started thinking about it, nope.

I started thinking about some things that I’ve thought of before, but it came up b/c of someone I follow on twitter. She was talking about how poor her childhood was. I was poor as a child but it was a much different poor. So last night I put some thought into it, which I have before, but I feel like I need to put it on paper. I was the child of a single mother. One without a college degree. We were poor. She worked two jobs, 60-80 or even more hours per week most of my life. I do believe that kept us up. But as an adult, knowing my expenses, and ours from childhood, I’ve always wondered if we really had to be THAT poor. We rented a 3 bedroom in a house. A nice apartment. It made sense when my grandfather lived with us, but we should have moved. We could have gone to the library instead of buying books from the bookstore. We could have cooked more instead of eating out (which is actually a common issue for poor people that work too much). I mean my mother was bad with finances. If she had been better, we would have been better off. If she didn’t want to live outside the ghetto, which we did until I was 6(?), we would have been better off. We could have saved money, not gotten in debt, and then maybe she wouldn’t have had to work so damn hard. Because I think she made a relatively decent salary, simply b/c she had the same job for 28 years. I mean, if she had job-hopped she would have made more. But me being aware of her salary came after she had been in a job for many years, so I don’t really know how tough it was when she first started working there. Anyway, I know a few times when I contributed to bad financial decisions but after many many years of therapy I can finally wonder why she even listened to me? I was a damn child. So anyway, I was wondering if poverty due to bad choices really counts as the same as poverty due to other circumstances.

Finally, this has been weighing on me, but it finally came out from the trip to MN combined with RHOA. It always bothers me when people call me white. I feel like it minimizes me and who I am and my identity and my experiences. But I learned the ‘one drop’ concept of racism, so I always thought of myself as Latina. A bad latina for sure, but nevertheless latina. It wasn’t until this Claudia chick was on RHOA that it ever occurred to me to call myself biracial. I am, by definition, biracial. It just never occurred to me to see myself that way. I guess b/c I think of that in terms of black and white issues. Lord love me, I don’t know why things that are obvious don’t occur to me. In those terms, me feeling bad when people call me white, is really also about me rejecting a part of myself. 

And finally, I feel less legit as a Native American. This came up this weekend when I saw a particular map being sold at a shop that was all Native tribes of the US. It’s the oddest thing, but maps and histories of the Native tribes of the New England area are just not accurate. It’s one thing if the white people or mainstream America get it wrong, but if the indigenous people do too? What’s up with that?

Depending on some of the histories I’ve read, a bunch of smaller, possibly unnamed tribes came together or was assigned a group name of Paugussett. I might be spelling it wrong. But according to other histories, that was never a real tribal name. All I know is that my people lost most land until there were two parcels of reservations, Golden Hill and Turkey Hill. No idea how the people got split into the two groups. But eventually, someone decided to shut down the Turkey Hill reservation and then none of my relatives lived on a reservation. I don’t know if some of them went over to Golden Hill or what. But it just bothers me that other mainstream indigenous groups around the country don’t know what’s what in my neck of the woods. It makes me feel like we aren’t validated by others and that makes me feel invalid. So there you go.

fuck me