August 9, 2020

Once again, I haven’t written in ages. For multiple reasons. But for mental health, I should probably be journaling. I’ll skip the recap of the past months for now, and just write about the most important thing.

My cat has cancer. It’s been a couple months to figure this all out. She lost a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. Take her to the vet, he does rudimentary tests and says she’s fine. I’ve done research and think it’s either IBD or cancer, and push for an ultrasound. He does it, sees nothing and says she’s fine and probably just has a finicky appetite. We had an incident almost immediately after where she was woozy and wobbling and I take her to an emergency vet. They do the same tests, but have a radiologist read the tests. She has thickening of her small intestine, and a couple other minor things. So, with them I talk about a biopsy and the possible treatments. I call my vet and he’s like are you sure you want to do a biopsy? He just wants to do steroids. She’s almost 16 and she’s had a good life and probably the only thing we can do is give her steroids and make her comfortable for her remaining time. I say no b/c if it’s IBD, steroids and management, but cancer maybe means chemo and steroids will fuck that up. I push the biopsy, but I think he’s going right into her small intestine but he actually does a whole exploratory. I thought he was just dicking me for price and stuff, but that’s the one thing where he was right and I was wrong (literally the one thing). We get the results and it’s cancer. He at least admits that I was right not to start the steroids right away. So all along, he’s pushing for me to give up on her. In his defense it’s because all of this is massively expensive. I live in a neighborhood with many, many cash-strapped people, and I myself spent most of my life poor as fuck. But I keep saying I’m going to do what’s best for her, regardless (up to being unable to afford things). But I make it clear that while I don’t have money for them to price gauge me, I can be open to the expensive options. Over and fucking over. My vet doesn’t get it, but the emergency vet did. Truthfully, I’d have preferred to stay with them but they are way outside of my price range. So now, I have an appt with an oncologist on Wednesday to find out what her prognosis is and make a plan. She’s doing better since I had gotten her several rounds of fluids, we put her on anti-nausea/pain meds, and I switched to an IBD diet (expensive, high-quality cat food). After initially freaking out, I think I’ve gotten slightly complacent. Because she’s doing better than she was before, so it’s harder to see how sick she is.

This has already cleaned out my savings (over $3k) and it’s gonna be more money regardless of the treatment plan. But I am so grateful that for the first time in my life and I can afford to take care of her the way she deserves. Up until three years ago, and I’d have had to make decisions based on my wallet.

And she deserves the best. I don’t know how to explain it. I was shocked when I found out how old she was last year, because time seems not that long ago. And shocked that that’s considered senior or even geriatric. She doesn’t look like it. I swear to god she looks like she’s 3 or 4 years old. Even the vets were shocked at how old she was compared to her looks and health (health before the cancer). And she’s so sweet and gentle. She’s a bit of an introvert, like myself. I love her so much and I thought I had at least 2 more years with her. I don’t know what I’ll do without her really. She’s been my only real family, the only one who loved me unconditionally, for over 15 years. We’ve been through so much together. I’ve gotten into scrapes b/c of her, and missed out on a ton of great opportunities b/c of her. And I swear to god that all of it was/is worth it.

I don’t get much quality sleep these days. She wakes me up at least once a night for pets and/or food. Some times, I’ll leave food out but she won’t go to it without me. She also has a habit of not eating, so I put it in the fridge and then immediately after that door closes she wants the food lol. Sometimes now I’ll put it in the fridge just to get her to come out and eat. And I cracked a tooth or something from all the stress grinding while I was worrying. Having trouble getting a dental appointment.

I have to be careful how much I talk about this of course. I learned the hard way that people can only handle so much unhappiness for a finite amount of time. Even if they do sympathize with you. And many don’t understand who she is to me. Because they have human beings. And to be fair, very few have met her in real life, and because she’s an introvert they only get a glimmer of what a truly great cat she is. Hell, even I forget sometimes. But like the people at the emergency vet loved her. They get a bazillion animals and yet she still stood out to them.

Because she’s glorious.

May 5, 2020

So I got some bad news today. And the one friend who was immediately available (which is a first in a loonng time) said I should ‘write a letter’ to my boss.

You know, for the first time, I’ve actually wished my cat would die so I could too. That’s terrible towards her and probably a bad thing for me.

April 13, 2020

Last week was hard. We got an email about austerity guidelines. No raises, no hiring. Which means, I’m assuming, that I won’t get reclassified or move to the other department (which also should have come with a raise). I’m at *minimum* $20,000 underpaid. Given the fact that I’m mostly doing the job of a guy currently getting paid twice my salary, I would argue I’m severely underpaid. But I don’t think it matters to them.

And again, I recognize we’re in a global pandemic, millions are losing jobs, and probably millions are losing businesses, and truly I’m grateful that I still have a job. And health insurance. But this was such a tough situation for so long, and I thought I finally was going to get what I deserved, or at least see light at the end of the tunnel. And really, this means my career is over. So to speak. I’ll be stuck for a minimum of 1 year, but depending on how long this goes on, 2 or 3 years, because now the competition for new jobs will be even more fierce than before.

Every time I think things in life are finally going to break my way, however pathetic the break is, they don’t. I don’t know, maybe it’s karma from a previous life. To be clear, I’m under the impression that karma doesn’t work in the current lifetime; it pays in the next lifetime. So I’m assuming I was a pretty shit person in the last life or 10 b/c I’m not great this time around but I’m not a bad person all considered.

And I’m frustrated because I can’t really talk to anyone about it, because they tell me I should be grateful to still have a job. I am! For god’s sake. But it’s the same for high school seniors, for others with new jobs and new businesses, for senior athletes in college, for all sorts of people around the world. Yes, in comparison, these are stupid things. But they’re not stupid. Life has changed irrevocably for some, and pretty significantly for many, damage that won’t be able to made up, or will take years. I feel for retirees who will have to get jobs, and soon-to-be-retirees that now will have to work for a minimum of 5 more years to get their retirement accounts back up. It’s okay to grieve, and we need to grieve. But I feel like a guilty shit who has no sympathy from others.

Anyway, and I’m restless from being stuck in side, and unable to take a walk. People don’t realize, I used to take almost daily walks, and when the weather clears definitely daily walks, for around an hour, many times longer. I think the runners and bikers understand to an extent, but I’m guessing they don’t really respect walkers.

And I planned on joining the gym again and getting ripped for sailing season. Ripped being a strong word lol. But my upper body strength leaves much to be desired. I don’t know how realistic the plan was, because inside my asthma has been kicking my ass for months. Last week, I went outside to get my alcohol delivery, and it was nice day and felt so good. I did a little light jogging out of, I don’t know, joy or something. And when I got back in, my lungs were like uh uh bitch. I don’t know how much of that was asthma and how much was just being out of shape from being inside so fucking long.

Not gonna lie, I’m suspicious of developing alcoholism. It’s not just being stuck inside with most activities being sit-on-your-ass related. It’s the constant anxiety and fear and worry. I genuinely believe we won’t just have a ton of coronababies, we’ll also end up with a lot of coronaholics - people who wouldn’t normally develop drinking problems, but did because of the situation. I don’t want to be one of them.

I’m also more afraid of going outside now because we can transmit the virus to cats. I have a plan of going outside around 4am. But my sleeping has been such shit lately, I haven’t been able to get enough rest. And of course, my cat is the best/worst alarm clock I’ve ever had. While she can wake me up anywhere between 5-7:30am, she seems to be coalescing around 6am these days. Although yesterday she let me sleep til 8am-ish. So no matter how long it takes to get to sleep (2 am the other day), I’m up at the crack of sanity. I don’t understand what her problem is, because it’s not like she hangs around for me to pet her or anything. It’s just crying and sometimes nudging until I’m up, and not freaking letting up until I’m too awake to fall back immediately. Where was she in high school and decades of college?

I finally filled out the census. I couldn’t put my Indigenous affiliation from Colombia, bc I’m still figuring it out. I really don’t think I can put Incan. For several reasons. But I was excited to put my North American tribal info. Even if it’s slightly dumb sounding. Although, technically speaking, we’re no longer a tribe. I still need to contact the other tribal group to find out *why* they split. It can’t possibly just be the land location. Or they wouldn’t have differentiated their names. Right?

I’m hoping this is a good week. I feel a little guilty about how little work I’m getting done. I’m not doing nothing, but I’m nowhere near as productive as I can be. Unlike all the other people working from home whose productivity increased significantly.

I finally contacted my old white guy friend. And thank God he’s taking the pandemic seriously and doing social distancing. I really thought I was going to have to tell him to not listen to the president and get into a fight and whatever. Of course, he was still a little racist, and of course I had to correct him. But that’s par for the course. It’s a little harder to convince people of what they need to do correctly in a pandemic if they’re following the wrong people and their mindsets aren’t open to facts and reason. I kind of wish he had a computer and internet but he’s one who would be easy pickings for the white supremacist conspiracy theories, so...mixed blessings.

Diana y Ainhoa

A girl just needs to know if they got a happy ending or not. Can someone help a sista out?

April 2, 2020

So I just found out that I know one of our new hires. It’s a girl that I was in the latinx group with. She took over as the chair instead of me. And also was the straw that broke the camel’s back so I finally went to Colombia.

I like her and dislike her. I don’t know if she has resting bitch face or what. She seems to have a superior attitude, but I don’t know if that’s really true. After all, she is tall. And pretty.

I think it’s going to be kind of weird working with her. Luckily, we’re all working from home for now.

March 30, 2020

I left the house twice yesterday. I had to pick up my cookies for the ER. First, I had a flat, but luckily fixaflat worked.Then I got the cash, and then the cookies. My neck of the woods doesn’t really look any different from normal during the quarantine. Not sure if it’s all necessary, or if people are ignoring the order. The baker actually tripled my order! That was so kind of her.

Then last night, I heard a yipping I’ve never heard before. I finally got out of bed to check. There are some trees obstructing some of my view, but I saw something red that wasn’t moving. I suspected a dog was yapping bc its person had collapsed so I ran downstairs. No dog, no person. Just litter. Not sure what the yapping was but I’m glad no one was hurt. Not thrilled at going out twice in one day.

This morning I went out super early, picked up all the stuff from my office and dropped it off. One of my coworkers actually came in which startled me. It was around 8am. Then I went to drop off the cookies and couldn’t find the note I’d written. Ran back to the office, saw ANOTHER coworker, and booked it. I had hoped someone would be outside the er so I wouldn’t have to go in, but no such luck. I walked in the bare minimum. Everyone looked at me like an alien. But they were all geared up so.... I dropped the bags, said it was for the people who work there and raised my hands and backed out. I have no idea why I reacted that way, but there you go. And I got my tire fixed.

Back home and not planning to go out for another week or ten. Meanwhile, on my way in, one of the freaking building agents was in the office. And rent is due. And park people are working on the golf course. Unbelievable.

The thing that irritated me is my stupidvisor. I wanted to stop by my boss’ office to get a canister of disinfectant wipes. He told me he’d do it. Then he didn’t. Then he waited until Monday morning to tell me not to bother. Like when he told us during the week we had to go in to work, then emailed us on a saturday to say we didn’t.

I have to be using my school account these days, so I emptied out my inbox. I tried to move them, but the web app wouldn’t let me. So, I deleted. Probably deleted some important things, but oh well.

I’m feeling hypochondriacal. It might be good for mental health to go outside but it’s also good for mental health to stay inside. I’m feeling nauseous, probably from anxiety.

March 29, 2020

I’m going to leave my apartment for the first time in over a week. I’ve gone back and forth about what I’m going to do out there. But I’m just going to go to the ATM and get cash so I can pick up the cookies. Tomorrow, when I drop off the cookies and PPE-ish stuff, I might pick up some groceries and/or alcohol. I’ll decide tonight so I can order online and just curbside pickup. With the asthma and the cat, I’m desperately afraid of getting it, so it’s silly to take more chances than necessary. Cookies and alcohol are stupid for pete’s sake!

Might be watching portrait of a lady today. I liked it in the theater, so i want to just be able to sit and go through it.

The lack of quality information re: pautina and separadas, and really all the shows, is frustrating. No one recaps things anymore. Or if they do, I can’t fine them. So I’m going to recap them for myself damnit. I wish I knew how to take screen shots and clips. Maybe I’ll look into that.

I’ve been checking in with people, but maybe one or two people have actually checked in with me. There are downsides to this situation. Introvert can handle it; lonely person is still lonely during the apocalypse. Cat isn’t even excited to have me at home everyday any longer. Ignores me most of every day and every night, but damned if she doesn’t still a) wake me up in the middle of the night to pet her, and b) wake me up sometime between 5:30-7:30am every morning for who knows what reason.

Still feeling kind of blah. Slowly making myself check in with people. Trying to organize things for groups of people including myself. Frustrated with work. For real though, I do not understand how I’ve had two bosses in a row who don’t like me. Do they both dislike me for the same reasons, or for different ones? If I knew, maybe I could change.

I miss my coworker’s dog. She won’t remember me when we see each other again. :(

You ever have a coworker you like/hate/distrust/are jealous of/want to stay on the good side of and/or believe they’re not that bad?

March 28, 2020

I keep meaning to start writing again. But now I shall, because it’s good for one’s mental health during a crisis, supposedly.

I’m feeling alone today, unsettled. It’s been that way for the last few days. One friend says it’s because I haven’t been outside. I’m hoping that’s it. I’ve been inside for 8 days now? Since last Saturday, early afternoon. I was going to try to make it for 14 days, but the hospitals are soliciting for donations of sanitizer and wipes, so I’m going to pop out to my office Monday morning. But I also thought it might be nice to bring something for the people working in the ER, I guess, so tomorrow I’m picking up cookies from a local bakery. While I’m out, I should run some errands. I nee to go to the bank to get cash, so I can pay her in cash. I’d also like to pick up some alcohol, maybe some fresh food, maybe a fancy meal from one of the restaurants doing takeout. On the other hand, I also feel like that might be too much.

I still have people to contact. I don’t wanna. One’s a diehard Trumper, though maybe not now since Trump doesn’t want to give his state any funding, and the other’s dying.

There’s still normal things that need to get done. I need to study for my project management exam. I need to develop some remote work skills. Still need to do unpacking and cleaning. I’m determined to get that done. If I die, I want to be all Marie Curied in my stuff.

I had a work happy hour yesterday. I’m kind of bitter. I had the same idea but thought it was stupid and that no one would come. Also, I wasn’t really sure I wanted to hang out with these people. I did it anyway, bc I thought I had to. It was okay. I didn’t like it thought b/c the big boss and my stupidvisor showed up. I didn’t think she’d join, and I didn’t know he was invited. I find it irksome when she’s ‘friendly’ like this, since she’s not like that with me. It just rubs in the fact that she doesn’t like me.

I have to get to work. I’m learning how to be an expert in a couple remote systems so I can be a help desk person next week.

Jathea Questions

Ugh. I loved this series but there were some glaring holes.

1. Wtf with Jade and David - how could she keep forgiving him and thinking he had her/Althea’s best interests in mind? After everything!??!?!?!

2. Wtf with Jade and David - how did she not know that divorcing him would be extremely, extremely difficult before she married him?

3. Wtf with Jade and David - why after Althea left was she willing to be ‘stuck’ with David?

4. Wft with Jade and David - why did David have to have the idea for the divorce? Why didn’t she immediately ask for it after Paul’s funeral? Why the hell did she try to reject the paperwork???????!!!!!?!

5. Wtf with Jade and Oscar - after everything, how could you go back to being tight with your dad at all? I guess I get forgiving rather than holding on to hate, but um, their ending was just too much for me. He had her girlfriend kicked out of her home. He destroyed her girlfriend’s business. He had her girlfriend, and maybe coulda been her, beat up and it looked like they were too reluctant to do as much as he gave them permission to do. That should have been enough.  He kidnapped her. That should have been enough. He kidnapped her girlfriend’s son. That should have been the end right there - endangering a child. He had the shit beat out of her girlfriend. How is that not enough? He had her girlfriend kidnapped, and frankly I don’t see any way she would have ended up alive if David hadn’t been caught out. How is that forgivable enough that you all go back to being tight with him??!?!?! Fuck the stroke. You can still love someone and not go back to the toxic situation. See: me.

6. Wtf with Jade and her family/Althea - after all that Althea was put through, Jade STILL wanted to be with her without doing anything about her family. As far as I’m concerned this is basically all Jade’s fault.

7. Wtf with Jade - she should have contacted Althea immediately after signing the papers. Who knew how long the divorce was going to take?

8. Wft with Althea and Willa - didn’t it ever come out how Willa, and then Willa and David, conspired against Althea and Jade? She never apologized??!?!?! I mean hell, she even tried to keep Althea away from Batchi. At what point does Althea say donezo? And Batchi - really? Batchi could do soooooo much better than Willa.

9. Fuck Abby. Fuck that storyline. I wanted to punch the little girl, that’s how bad that was.

10. Batchi - I think it was so cool Chynna got that hair cut for the role.

11. The fashion on that show was great. I’m actually thinking of getting high heels and wearing makeup and/or doing my hair after all that.

12. Wtf with the dog - what happened to the dog Althea gave Jade? Poor doggy.

I’m sure there’s more, but it’s been a minute since I went through the series. Ugh, the love is so deep that I’m still aggravated.

Juliantina Questions

1. So my biggest source of confusion is that in the beginning, Juliana tells Valentina they shouldn’t be together. Juls’ family problems are not annoying, they’re literally life-threatening. Chivis AND Valentina’s sister both directly tell Juls to stay away from Valentina, that she’s not good or good enough for Valentina. Valentina’s friends all turned against her b/c of Juliana. And Valentina’s family is high profile, so all this stuff can be blown up and thus harder than two normal people. So Juliana was trying to protect Valentina. Whereas, Valentina seemed ready to fight for them, regardless of the danger or consequences.

Then, by the end it’s reversed? In the finale, the issue is that Valentina doesn’t want them to be together because of the public scandal it would bring to her family. Juliana wants to be out and proud.

When did this change happen?!?!?!?!?! Why did this happen?!?!?!?!?!?!

I have watched so many different versions with subtitles, and read 80-some-odd recaps where the things I needed weren’t addressed because they happened to have been assigned to the most homophobic recappers. And nothing, I’m still confused as hell.

2. Why the hell would Valentina being a lesbian (or whatever) have caused problems for the Carvajals? Guille was an accessory to a man being permanently paralyzed. Eva was caught and imprisoned for doing really bad business dealings with a drug lord. And I don’t know if it ever came out publicly, but her stepmom was an accessory to her dad being murdered. How is homosexuality a bigger scandal than any of that, never mind all of it?????

3. Did it seem like the episodes in the beginning seem set up so that we would all doubt Juls’ motives?

4. Did Guille’s godmother even see Juliana’s work before deciding she deserved a chance? Was her admittance guaranteed (if she did the exam and application), or was it just a chance to apply out-of-season?

5. How fucking old were they??!?!?! Was Juliana just out of high school, or several years? Did Valentina go to Canada after high school, or during high school?

6. There was a deleted or extended scene in Valentina’s room after Guille’s party where Juliana touched her a little more so Valentina giggled about being tickled. I saw it once, and now I can’t find it again. GRR!!!! Does anyone have a link to that scene?

7. Finally (as far as I can remember), my last question has to do with language, I guess. In all the subtitled/translated various versions I’ve watched, it seems to me that Valentina told Juliana she liked her first, but Juliana was the first to say she was in love. But some people, including potentially Barbarena (although I’d argue it’s a memory thing, not a conviction), think Valentina said I love you. I understand the differences in language across countries, so I think ‘te quiero’ means I love you in Spain, but in the Juliantina translations I’ve watched, it means I like you (a lot) in Mexico.

November 5, 2019

I’ve been wanting to write for a long time, but also not write. It’s so hard sometimes.

But tonight I need to, because I feel very very alone. Of course, I am having a rough period and so also a rough day at work, but....

I came home to the papers for the lawsuit. Ironically, I’d literally emailed the insurance agent this afternoon saying I *hadn’t* gotten anything.

This lady is suing me for $50,000. Which is better than $500,000 or more. But I don’t have anywhere near that kind of money. I can’t imagine coming out of this unscathed. Hell, anything over $1000 will kick my ass. I don’t understand why she’s doing this. Was she actually truly hurt?

I’m scared. And alone. I don’t have anyone to hold my hand and tell me they’re with me, or that things will be okay, or anything like that.

And so I write.

October 2, 2019

Watching the rhop reunion #3. Just wow.

I got a fucking ticket (I think) this morning. Did not start the day off well. But I sort of recuperated. Recouped?

Trying not to go to sleep at 7pm again tonight. I need laundry done. I need cleaning done. And also, it is a problem to just sleep and work. I don’t think it’s as bad as it has been on and off over the last two years though, I’ve actually been able to wake up and go to work early this week.

I really don’t know about Michael. It’s assault if any of these things happened. That means there’s all sorts of HR issues, labor laws, criminal laws, and to be crass - money - involved. If he really did those things and brah vo let it happen.....

But it really doesn’t look good.

But also, there’s things about these real-life witch hunts. Fiction - books, movies, tv, etc.... things can be circumstantial and spiral out of control, etc... All of those people, if put on the stand....but you can also admit you’re wrong and not believe you’re wrong. So....

Watching this girls cruise reunion. There’s no need. Except I just really want to see more of these ladies, and that one guy lol.

Glory to Labour Monument Architects: Vakhtang Davitaya & Shota Bostanashvili Completed: 1981 Kutaisi, Georgia Photo © Darmon Richter — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/2OxpPsn

All the time. For years and years and years. Me vs. Anxiety: 10-1000000.

October 1, 2019

I’m trying not to do that thing again. After I got burned by the one lady at the bar. I’m trying not to walk away from all of them.

And I’m struggling to do the same with my little sailing club. Obvi the rear admiral is a douche. He’s in charge of events and shit for another year minimum. Then the other two positions for however else long.

Second, the amount of hoop-jumping to use shit. Third, the hypocrisy, and favoritism. Not sure if those are one or two different things. Okay, two.

So four, now I’m frustrated as hell with the one buddy I’ve kept most in contact with. She was gonna have a couple of us do lessons on her boat. Few hundred each. Reasonable. He kept putting us off b/c he’s been super busy making the most of the rest of the season working. Well, I forgot it was supposed to be last Monday. She got back to me it didn’t happen but was going to happen this week. I forgot again yesterday. She said he had basically ditched us due to conflicts. But she was good b/c she’s been out on her boat every day. Like, what happened to us learning together? What happened to me crewing for her? That’s the problem with relying on someone else for their boat. I’m not gonna ask. Because I don’t want to be a beggar. She knows I want to sail, sail with her, learn, etc... if she wanted me on her boat, she’d say so. And it’s her right not to. Honestly, I suspect she’s getting almost-daily lessons from a different member. For free lol. Just a suspicion. The only way for me to get on people’s boats now is to hang around the club like a day worker or someone without a life. I ain’t got time for that shit. So, why not spend money next season getting my own lessons and work for my own boat. 

I’m sick and tired of being the ugly step child. Asking, begging for scraps. And being expected to be 100% fine, and even grateful for it. It’s like, half my life.

Or, I could give up sailing and go for something less expensive.

Hell, I keep forgetting I have a swim membership.

The cat is freaking me out again. She’s got another lump. And I think she’s 15. And she’s pooping outside the litter box. It could be because it’s not clean enough (I’m thinking I need to switch litter). Or she hates that box. I read that as they get older sometimes they need bigger boxes and/or lower sides. But she could be sick. So I have to find a vet. And the reviews online for the one nearest me. I get nervous. I’ve been worried about her dying since I got her as a kitten. But now it’s getting closer. And I just need a few more years of her being happy and healthy.

I had my appt with the orthodontist this morning. 7:20am. Kept us all waiting over an hour b/c the internet went out. It’s b/c they needed to check our insurance coverages. So I ask how long the appt will last to see how long it will take once I’m in. Basically, I’d need to wait another hour then have an hour-long appt. So, I tried to reschedule. It took me two months get one the first time, and now it’ll take another month to get back in.

So....now I have to find a vet, an orthodontist, and a therapist.

Being a grownup is so fucking hard.

My teeth grinding is hard. I need to clean so bad. I need to get my place clean so I can move the cat so I can call maintenance for my hot water. Before the end of next week.

Boss2 asked me for help again today. Just with her calendar, but I bet it all kills her. I need, need, need to get a new job. A good one. Which means I need to apply more.

But I’m so tired. So fucking tired.

Power drives me nuts. They all do such stupid shit. And Tariq is the worst. 50cent is so good at playing Kanen.

And watching the wire.

I’ve been having strange dreams. Vivid. Whole ass stories. I can’t remember them though. But I feel like they would make good movies or books or something.

Also, some idiot on the internet trying to talk about how a couple of outkast’s songs are rock. What now????

I don’t know why Jamie doesn’t realize the milan dude has every single inch bugged.