seeing someone that kinda seems like your old mutual that remade but you literally have memory problems,

genderfluid (& androgynous)

someone called riddle genderfluid and now i cant unsee it

(imagine its a fem day. and he just sits there with a skirt. and radiating dom energy. my minds too stuck on bamf ladies. also you dont have to wear a skirt if you dont wanna, i just like em. but uh. its like a superiority thing. (bruh imagine someone bumps into them- or.. wHATEVER pronoun. uh. fuck. i said them for riddle cause im too used to he/they characters. wtf pronouns do i use for him??? uhm. but so someone bumps into riddle. and then they just blurt out 'pls step on me'. and hes like wha? [cuz he comes off strict and intimidating, but hes also sometimes clueless/oblivious, poor sheltered bby] and then they eep and run away hehehehe ...imagine he asks cater what that meant [because cater knows a lot of weird stuff]. cater spits out his tea like WHAT. HUH? actually LMFAO- 'i never expected to hear those words come out of riddles mouth! and he said it so straight-faced too!')

..i have a hunch you probably thought id put 'step on me mommy' but

im. kind of not a fan of the sexualization of those words cause now i can never unsee it when its just an innocent version

i feel like.. riddle has a lot of problems with his mom. one including not wanting to be too similar to her, or being compared to her (and regretting that he'd basically become a mini-her for awhile there, although in more serious words)

(also how do genderfluid people do pronouns?? [i have no gender so i dont get it] ive seen in some writing they use like. she/her on a she/her day. or he/him on a he/him day. but could you also just... stay to another pronoun too? i mean. theres probably she/they and he/they that works there. she/he does too. ..is it she/he? or is it she/him? probably she/he. idfk. i mean. i have a bias towards he/they. but like. if you're leaning more towards feminine.. do you match feminine pronouns too or is it just based on how you're feeling and it can really just go either way??? i kind of want to write a genderfluid riddle in a purely self-indulgent way. but i dont know what to do about the pronouns or if i should change them)

anyway

maybe thats my bad cause i like referring to him as a queen instead of a king (HE WEARS HEELS TOO. we love a short king. LMFAO)

(he wears heels because the queen and the first heartslabyul housewarden wore them. and his uniform is modeled after the first heartslabyul housewarden. this is iirc mentioned in his halloween vignette)

this is future me

he could definitely just be androgynous too and not afraid to use it

like

okay

spoilers for a JP card but

here. (a card i desperately want in the future, even though ill probably never actually use him)

which since we're here. vil. with his androgynous energy. who is also referred to as a queen. .........

honestly. i dont think he really cares that much about either way? or. that. i think im wording that wrong

like.. wearing dresses or suits, i dont think it makes a difference to him. for 1, he knows he rocks it. 2, assigning things to 'female' and 'male' and then saying the other cant wear things the opposite does is dumb (i still refer to them as feminine or masculine to differentiate them, my issue with it is then restricting it)

so he just. sometimes

to prove a point, wears short hair (or something that leans a little more towards masculine-y) with dresses

actually he kind of does that already

its just a coincidence LMFAO

i think its just more to fit the occasion

cause in this his hair is tied up

also damn this mfs pretty

anyway i think thats enough vil LMFAO

i got so off topic

last night i was thinking how the NHS treated me whenever i was dim enough to ask for help for my madness + just getting like more and more angry remembering it lmfao

i actually think that severing myself from like the idea of "help" and "psychiatry" and "CBT" and "mental health" has been more beneficial to my QOL than literally anything the NHS ever did for me, so im at peace w/ it on the whole, however there were some real highlights:

me sitting sobbing my eyes out in a small room w/ two strangers begging them to Please Help, and receiving a letter a few weeks later saying i wasn't ill enough for any help + i was on my own

being diagnosed w/ BPD (a big regret i have - once i cann afford to spend £250 on a psych visit im going to try and get that scrubbed off my record bc at the time of diagnosis like ~8 years ago i was naive enough to think that a diagnosis that wasn't depression or anxiety would force the NHS into giving me "help". however, obviously, as you all know, a BPD diagnosis is the 2020s equivalent of Female Hysteria

i was offered a round of CBT (classic) but there was an 18m waiting list and in that 18m i was diagnosed w/ the BPD. so i had a conversation w/ them in which they were like "we can only do the anxiety/depression, if you talk about anything BPD-ish we'll terminate you"

went to the minor injuries unit after a particularly bad self-harm session + was not asked any questions about how i was doing mentally, they didnt check i was safe, they didnt ask me if i was gonna be ok at home lol, they just cleaned me / bandaged me / sent me home again (tbh idk what id rather they did tbh like. i dont want to be sectioned - i was just kind of astonished by the lack of pretence at caring how i was doing)

in the last-ditch effort i made to get some "help" i told my (beloved! none of this is his fault) GP that if he had anything going i'd be willing to give it a shot. he told me there was this local unit opening up for "personality disorders" and that given i was motivated + all that shit i would be a perfect fit for it. (at this time i was already leery of the BPD label but i was still thinking like: maybe it will actually open THIS door to "treatment") i said to him: i know for a fact they will not accept me. you're welcome to try, but i am 100% sure that they will find a reason to reject me as a patient. and he was like no no no! haha why wouldn't they :) i'll send them a personal email about you! and they'll take you on my reccommendation! and i was like lol ok roy. anyway yeah of course they didnt accept me - as i told him they wouldnt - and he was so shocked and upset during that conversation where he told me this - and i was just like totally unemotional like "i told you this would happen" and he was like just so shocked about it all (honestly idk why, as a doctor, he must see the carnage, but whatever) and just like "my god - you were right" (yeah no shit roy) and yeah that was just the moment i was like alright im never doing any of this shit again, never ever.

to be honest my suggestion to anyone in a similar situation is to read up on antipsychiatry lmfao (shout out to bananapeppers for forcing it into my eyeballs via tumblr) bc it really changed my mindset for the better. that's probably quite a bleak sentiment to end a post about psychiatry on but uh. i dont know what to say otherwise. i don't believe in "mental healthcare" anymore like i rly dont. im doing 100x better now that i refuse to talk to doctors about my madness. there is no moral to this post

ETA: from @bananapeppers herself: "for anyone reading this who may be interested, this is an England-based antipsychiatry organization that I recommend: Campaign for Psychiatric Abolition ( https://linktr.ee/cpabolition)"

i'm in the process of finding a competent therapist post-IOP still, so, I apologize for the weird emotional dump I'm about to type out in here but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I guess maybe I hope some of y'all can relate / understand / offer solidarity or whatever ahaha woof I need to bark about it somewhere tho for catharsis

I'm adding TW's and spoilering the entire thing bc it's a lot to handle unprompted lol

tw for: general mental illness stuff, love addiction, family dynamics / verbal abuse, cPTSD

so I really don't like talking about my dating endeavors ever (I have a very weird... past... with love addiction and I am 100% aware of how unhealthy I was in my relationships prior to IOP lmfao) but like. I had a massive, weird, existential panic attack last night surrounding my past with serial limerence and doubting myself and being like "am I really feeling these feelings for [person], or am I being blinded by how nice they are to me, regressing into old trauma, and just enjoying the attention too much and re-opening my abandonment issues" sdajhfd

anyways so. I have a really big crush on someone I've hung out with a couple times irl recently. and like we click super well, they're extremely attractive, smart, sweet, etc. they're also trauma informed both verbally and wrt sex stuff, and when we hook up sexually I've never felt so safe in my life lmao like they ask me for consent for more intense kink stuff, they listen to me when I say "no", and I know that sounds like bare minimum but I've NEVER felt 100% in control and safe during rough sex ever so uh. it's a big, big deal for me to actually trust and feel safe around someone in kink settings. especially since they're like, WAY taller and more muscular than me lmfao but I don't feel threatened at all.

I'm bad about being concise WHOOPS but in a nutshell I started feeling really really guilty about having feelings for them because like... I don't know if I want to? I feel like  being into them romantically feels like "too much" due to my past with limerence and love addiction. and I've told them like "haha uh oh i think I have a crush on you". and like they aren't non-receptive to it, our dynamic is very like physical-affection, intimacy based and communicative and when we hang out it isn't always explicit lol like I invited them over for dinner a couple nights ago after they got off work and we just cuddled and chilled and talked about how weird the climate surrounding trans issues is rn etc. like we just. enjoyed each other's company.

I GUESS??? what i'm trying to say is like I feel guilty about having feelings for them because it feels ... like I'm going insane and regressing into limerence again? lmao like I hate realizing i'm crushing on them romantically because my brain feels like it's short circuiting and it feels wrong and confusing to me bc I DON'T KNOW IF IM ACTUALLY LIKE... FEELING THESE THINGS OR OF IVE BEEN SO ISOLATED AND TOUCH STARVED THAT I THINK I AM?????? asdfjkhf it's. intense and weird and I hate all of it lol

anyways yeehaw never having affection or attention growing up fucked me up permanently and that's why I struggle with attraction and attachment to this day and it feels terrifying and even like. unethical for me to crush on people because I don't understand what's real and what's my brain malfunctioning :)

I get money and immediately want to do two of my biggest cosplay ideas yet, like an idiot,

Hello! Hope this message finds you well. I recently posted my natal chart to Reddit to see if it would catch anyone‘s eye and I feel like I was hung out to dry! I was called a workaholic (I’m currently unemployed and want to switch career tracks but am uncertain of which direction to take—any advice?), and told I had sexual inadequacies (lmfao). may I ask what you make of my chart? Do you see any overarching themes or directions I should maybe be tapping into?

Many blessings upon you and your loved ones. I appreciate all the time you spend on this endeavor. ❤️ Since Im not on mobile, I can’t attach an image to this message so I will post the link to a screenshot of my chart below. Sorry about that!

https://64.media.tumblr.com/d67433a6a8e15e7ee8ac3f619db5ab4a/ef829714a7f547c2-7b/s1280x1920/8cd033794a293fbdb2555ee4dfbfd950c3c5cc73.jpg

I have said it dozens of times, I only read Astrodienst charts, so I took the liberty of creating one the way I like it ^. Thank you for your well wishes, I am having a terrible day but your ask gave me a welcome respite from my own annoyances.

The Reddit responses are weird and sound off base, but I mean... it's Reddit. So.

I read houses mostly, it's the most accurate. If your birth time is truly accurate, then having a 7th house stellium, and 2 out of 3 big three placements mutable, and your only not-mutable big 3 placement (moon in Cancer) is opposing Neptune... hello. No, not a workaholic. On the contrary, you tend to be way too impressionable and flexible and giving and kind of just going with the flow of whatever vibes are around you.

Most of your considerable energy is probably channeled into chores, hygiene, working out, other health habits, even meal prep possible, or maybe towards pets. If you do NOT channel this considerable energy into positive outlets like these, you will get sick. You are prone to serious illnesses with Mars conjunct Pluto in the 6th if you don't channel your energy, but healing and building strong health habits is also actually really easy for you. Mars and Pluto here are well-aspected, that is, supported by the chart. Your powers to heal and transform are profound. You would make an EXCELLENT doctor or nurse or healthcare professional of any kind, even like a massage therapist, some kind of counselor or coach, etc etc. You probably have healing hands. It's never too late to go back to school.

You have a tendency to lose yourself in relationships (7th house mutable stellium), prone to confusion and now knowing yourself (moon opposite neptune--) however, again, there's a lot of potential to really understand yourself and relationships. 7th house stellium has the potential to become the best at understanding relationships with time and learning and practice. Also, moon in Cancer is actually the moon's domicile, so very strong position for the moon.

Stop listening to people who don't know what they're talking about-- on Reddit and in any other area of life. If you're going to be impressionable, then surround yourself with people who reflect your values!

You incarnated here to be a helper and an intellectual and a teacher or healer. You are perfectly equipped to do that kind of work. The world needs you. You got this.

svt ranked on grimmest most public places theyd makeout with you @ based on the one i did for monsta x and also i love torturing carats hiii <3

13) seungkwan he has class coming out of his pores there is no way on this green earth that you two are engaging in anything past pleasant conversations and jane austen-esque finger brushing in public ........ things of intimacy and romance are meant for the confides of ones home!!!! where it can be rose and honey scented and you can both put on an episode of the bachelor at the lowest possible volume in the background

12) dino just thinks its weird if u ask him to makeout with you anywhere but on his couch when no one else is home like um why would u want strangers to see us do that thats weird like the kid is normal dont scar him with a proposal as such ........ even if u were like gonna lean in to kiss him in the back of the car he’d be like no, jeonghan is in the passenger seat and he wont let me live it down if we do that

11) mingyu is surprisingly shy for as big as he is and how much space he can take up hes like id rather not disturb the nice people eating their applebees by indulging in mouth to mouth ...... and ur like baby please never call it that again. idk he just seems like hed be very timid about the whole thing and hed be like what if we get arrested like thats not going to happen but hes like what if. likes holding hands all the time though.

10) vernon says he could never disrespect you by making out with you in a place thats not like a park at midnight or under the fleece blanket he got as a christmas present from cheol.....ur like what? and hes like i just think its not cool to get all up on u in public like that and ur like but im cool with it and hes like but are u basically hes just too embarrassed to say “i know people think im quirky but i like keeping our kissing between us”. that one time he posted yall kissing in some museum was simply for the gram clout. 

9) joshua is sometimes beckoned by the idea of a little risky handsy kisses at the movie theater,,,,,,maybe a little bit of your teeth in his neck on the bus ride home.........but never anything dramatic, like he isnt about to grab your waist in public and go to town when there are children across the street like cmon ... though i think when u get all touchy with him before you two are going to go avengers 3 billion or whatever hes not opposed 

8) woozi has general apathy toward where you two do it, and this isnt just about pda this is literally about anything ever. you two could have a heartfelt conversation about your futures on a roller coaster and that mf would be like ok i want to marry you mid loop-de-loop hes insane. so if u wanna kiss up on his neck at the home depot while u r forcing him to pick out plants for his studio then so be it!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) jeonghan the first month of the relationship acts like hes never thought about anything but kissing you with his eyes closed, hugging with enough space left for the holy spirit, and most definitely tongue is off limits. hedonistic, if you ask him. which is a blatant lie because once the mark is up and jeonghan feels comfortable with you its like ,,,,,,,,, let me groan your name into your mouth in the middle of freezer aisle of this whole foods but i didnt mean it but im too in love with you to care

6) wonwoo would makeout with you at a gamestop dude hed make out with you in the best buy video games discount aisle lmfao half probably to flex on sad gamers and half because wonwoo is the type that would consider it a date for you to come and pick out shit for his computer setup. youll be like ok we can kiss while we’re waiting to buy you animal crossing for the switch but we cant kiss in the panera bread? and wonwoo is like baby please there is a family enjoying their grilled cheese in the booth across from us. oh my god wonwoo be like hey babe come here and kiss me and ur like ok and ur like wait are u streaming and hes like yeah say hi to my twitch subscribersjfdkhgjd 

5) seungcheol knows when and where to act up and sometimes the where is like ........... the baskin robbins ur in at 3 am after leaving some shitty house party. the employee behind the counter is like “how many sco- ok ill wait” he does draw the line at serious shit like office buildings and churches and friendly dinners because like listen jared at the baskin robbins isnt gonna say shit but hes like let me not get my hands up ur shirt at ur cousins barbeque 

4) seokmin is filled to the brim with love so its hard to stop him from kissing you regardless of where you are. anything is game. if you as much as enter in 5ft of him hes like hahahaha kissing time!!!!! the thing about him though is that he does have types of kisses that are ok like you guys can highschool kiss at some restaurant or date spot and then you can go all out, legs around his waist, hands on your ass kiss in the elevator to his place - and if someone comes in you both are like “wait for the next one”

3) minghao would be number one, but he has some off limits spots due to his need to keep up appearances like even though after youre done kissing him you look a hurricane hit you hes like wait lemme clean up and comes out looking like he just stepped out of the house fresh - thats why he doesnt care where, but it has to have a bathroom nearby so he can make sure he looks good. you know its true love when he starts fixing your hair and clothes too. 

2) hoshi will pretend to be coy and tease about it for like two minutes at most and then he’s like fuck it do whatever you want to me in the middle of this public swimming pool bro he’s so nuts he’d be like pushing your hands off his chest for the first half of the movie and then the next half the ushers are having to ask you two to please kindly LEAVE the theater. hoshi “no we cant kiss waiting for our fries” to “lets see how long we can make out in the ballpit” .....hes only number two because he plays like he wont do it but he will 

1) junhui will makeout with you at your best friends wedding. junhui will makeout with you in the middle of traffic. junhui will bite up your neck in the presence of your boss, guaranteed it doesnt get you fired. junhui will start taking layers of clothes off at a starbucks and then probably get chased up the street for public indecency if thats what you want from him. he never says no because he never wants to miss out on a chance to makeout ......... he’s insane he’d be like bleeding from his nose after getting hit by a car or something and ur like lemme call the emts and hes like what if you makeout with me instead nose is broken anyway ......... ugh we have no choice but to stan 

good news!! my new gastro is FANTASTIC!!!!

i just got back from my appointment and like, first of all, i fucking love this guy, I wish he was my doctor for literally everything because he sat down, made eye contact, LISTENED to me, EXPLAINED EVERYTHING, not only the terms he was using but his own thought process and everything he'd be doing moving forward, drew diagrams?! and validated my concerns... right off the bat, he asked me what I thought it could be, and then actually took that into account (!!!!!). he sent me out of there feeling reassured AND with new information, making sure we were both on the same page first. like, wow. 11/10, the bar previously was on the floor, fucking incredible

ALSO?!?!?!? so this whole visit blew my mind for a few reasons and Ill come back to that... but a few months ago I started getting headaches after I eat, and I wandered down the thought process until I somehow got to, "what if blood flow to my stomach is restricted?" and I immediately shelved that bc 9/10 times if you go to the doctor with that level of advanced query they're suspicious of you. plus they're not gonna look at smth like that until other stuff is ruled out

so anyway the VERY first thing he did was ORDER A SCAN OF MY BLOOD VESSELS!?!?!?!? to make sure that my blood flow to my stomach is all good!!!!!????! he even said 'this isn't a common thing ppl usually think of but I just want to take a look.' I was so blown away by that, wow, i didnt even have to bring it up. like, thank you for my life.

ALSO ALSO, he concluded that everything I complained of was not only potentially consistent w my hernia, but ALSO with cortochondritis- arthritis of the ribs!!! I was SHAKEN when he said that bc like, you dont go to a gastro and expect to hear "oh stomach pain? it's your bones," but I HAVE HYPERMOBILE JOINTS, so as soon as he said that I was like "actually, that tracks. i'm hypermobile" and him and the nurse both shared a knowing look and went "ahh yep." lmfao like hello?!??? its all coming together!!!!

so yeah, I'm very pleased to be getting a look at my blood vessels (& rule out like, gall stones, just to be safe), he wants to do another endoscopy to make sure my hernia doesn't need surgery, and he wants me to address my GERD a little better bc that could also be causing increased/nerve pain in the stomach lining, whoops.

basically at the end of the visit he was like, i'm not gonna say XYZ but here's the information we already have, here's the information we're going to get, you take this knowledge and let it percolate until we can touch base again with the new info. bro 😭 literally every doctor visit should go this way, but the fact that I am so moved by this one (1) time where it did speaks volumes lol. he didn't even make me try any new pills?!?!?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW REFRESHING THAT IS???

he and I agree that we don't really know what's wrong because this COULD be being affected by multiple different things. could the joint pain, stomach issues, dysautonomia, etc. be explained by EDS? possibly (no I didnt bring that up yet, I just think I have a strong case & am building evidence on my own time). they COULD also be affected by numerous things; past OTC/alcohol/caffeine misuse, my hiatal hernia, anxiety, GERD, inflammation in my ribs, or some combination of all of them (hell, it could "just" be that my GERD is worse, causing pain & making my hernia "slip", which could then be getting pinched by my ribs/poor posture and further irritated; maybe if I get my reflux under control and watch my posture it'll stop. wishful thinking idk)

so yeah idk i walked out of there feeling extremely listened to and taken seriously so that's nice. im having much better luck w doctors in Michigan than I have anywhere else previously, my doctors in WI kinda sucked lol

Sarauniya “ Sara ” Davies, 24, pansexual, cisfemale, ISFP Enneagram 9w1; Pisces sun, Sagittarius moon, Pisces rising 1st year Advanced Encryption Major; did not go to a spy prep hs

Imma keep it real with you, chief, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I mean, obviously, I know what espionage is ; I’ve read books and articles, and I’ve seen Spy Kids and all the Charlies Angels and James Bond movies, but I genuinely think I need a minute to wrap my head around everything. Make that two weeks, because what’s this I hear about two murders ?  I literally just got sent here to be safe, I — I’m sorry, I’m freaking out. Give me five seconds, and we can start again, because I promise I can totally pretend this is all normal. @gallagherintro​

full name: sarauniya “ sara ” davies

dormitory room: 105

birthday: 20 march 1995

soundtrack: “ go gina ” by sza

favorite dish: efo riro

aesthetic:  when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of light reflecting from her earrings, eyeglasses perched on top of her head, and a caviar iphone always in her hands

Bio Points

her mom’s a nigerian baddie billionaire & her dad’s a soft academic brit

she grew up between london and abuja where their family’s business is based. it’s a trading enterprise, the largest industrial conglomerate in sub-saharan africa

she’s the eldest of three siblings, was raised to be prim & proper and groomed to run their family’s business. her family’s not pushy though and they’re really cool. very healthy dynamic so she doesn’t mind ; she loves her fam and would do it w a smile !

Coding is her Passion though. total dork. stayed up all the time just sleuthing and being an internet geek since she was a youngin’

loves education and is the type who would willingly stay in school to learn. has a degree in economics from harvard and was almost done with her mba when her littlest sister got abducted !  was it about business ? money ? who knows ! the sister’s fine now but her family sure is Scared especially since sara’s alone in the big bad united states

her mom made some calls and went “ gimbiya, look, u aint safe n we sorry. we’ll work something out to make sure u get ur mba degree somehow but shit is wild so we gotta get u somewhere near that’s safe asap. u like studying & ur a geek with computers right ? cool beans, go back to school & welcome to gallagher, babe ”

she enters gallagher in the middle of the spring semester very overwhelmed & inwardly ignoring how unhappy she is about having to be here bc she is not & does not want to be a spy. she just tryna distract herself by looking at this entire thing as a weird vacation where she can do stuff she wasn’t able to before because it’s literally detached from the world. she is mostly probably in way over her head, but let’s see ! 

Other Information

Nicknames: Sara (to everyone), gimbiya (to family, means princess in Hausa)

Languages: English (native), Hausa (native), Arabic (C1), French (B2)

Strengths: is money a strength ? also coding. and being the sweetest. and a general smartypants but that’s in a university setting & gallagher probably doesnt give a fuck

Relationship History: only has one (1) experience. ( well,,, 2 if a three-second drunken kiss w kass counts ) his name’s royce and they’ve known each other since their bougie secondary school back in britain. started dating at sixteen and went to harvard together. they’re long term as fuck. he’s like her best friend and their families adore the couple & each other. got engaged last september and sara broke it off before leaving for gallagher, oof. she deadass milked the opportunity but lbr she wasnt rlly Feeling It so she’s kinda glad for the ‘valid reason’ to appear bc it rlly wasn’t Love for sara so boy bye

Physical appearance: 1.76m, 55kg, long black hair, slim and toned build

Classes: GEN 105, GEN 206, AE 101, AT 101, PE 101

Personality

the sweetest. v charming & sensitive to others & curious about things. enthusiastic too ! loves adventures & is very passionate. queen of empathy. 

she’s not stuck up even tho she loaded. she doesnt rlly talk abt her family having 12B or the fact that she’s an ivy league girl, bc she’s just generally very uwu 

easily stressed and flustered and overwhelmed ! man, gallagher’s gonna shook this goddamn academic dork to her core for the love of god someone pls get the aed ready

rlly fun !!! can be a lil unpredictable bc it b lyk dat for rich girls. loves her independence which she hasn’t maximized bc of her ex fiancé & responsibilities but it’s chill so chill totally chill, no ounce of further longing exists in the crevices of this girl’s heart

she is so not good with confrontation and is so allergic to conflict ok. she will sweep discomfort under a rug and lie on it ‘til it’s flat which makes her a queen of repression & conforming

is she easily overwhelmed & stressed ? yes, but she’ll try not to show it so much. it’s all mostly an internal monologue so don’t underestimate her pls. she’s v smart and competent. can be so competitive ( albeit mostly inwardly ) and a boss ass business bitch like her business momma bc that’s what she’s been training for altho she is still generally a soft bab so ... yeah, if u would be so kind as to Estimate her, that’d be grand

she needs to always be on top of her game. maybe not the best in the class, but definitely pushes herself to be her best, so a lot of late nights studying & won’t settle for bad grades ever. gonna be rough in gallagher bc she is not spy material ok, she’s just a pretty rich geek behind a computer

just imagine her as the nice girl in ur ap classes who’s a lil awkward & just so happens to be super hot & stinking rich

Fun Facts

has a six-month old rescue pup named sooty ! who kinda looks like a sheparnese

has a tendency to ramble if she’s comfy w u enough or mayhaps if it’s too much man 

is v diligent w keeping a journal & does it everyday 

likes to dance ! not super good but she likes it. hits da clubs for dat shit 

is a lil instagram famous bc she’s a gorgeous rich harvard girl & all that jazz. queen of selfies & of looking hot but doesn’t actually get to play around rip ffff 

doesn’t drink much bc she is an extreme lightweight and 2 is her tap out limit

if she’s had more than 2 drinks, she is Very Honest but still very ramble-y 

she is physically active but mostly just runs and does yoga. knows very basic self-defense. is not sporty, definitely not a fighter, may god have mercy on her soul

isnt a virgin but is not sexually experienced lmao lbr she kinda Itching to get out there 

don’t ask me what her accent is because i have no clue it’s all over the place

Established Connections — just bc i think y’all would like to know

kassandra sutton — internet friends ! loves kass to bits. have known each other since sara was 14. when kass was 18, sara took her on a grad trip to montreal and became a lil lowkey into her. doesn’t help that kass drunk kissed her & doesn’t remember lmfao. poor sara told her then-bf & they had a lil fight but they made up bc sara didn’t talk to kass for months. eventually they became friends again & now sara’s in gallagher w no idea that kass is a mf sutton & honestly, my girl is just very shook w everything 

Possible Connections

crushes — she does not know how to flirt. she is ,,,, p pathetic tbh but a real heckin cutie. will be super nice to ur bab ok  

flirtationships — sara and i r gonna continue to keep it real w u chieves, her ex fiancé royce was vanilla and bland as fuck. can u believe she has not been single in a decade ? ? someone give her love & attention & fluster this soft innocent child. get her Experienced but also dont hurt her

enemies/angst !!! —  or maybe do ! maybe hurt her. maybe obliterate her. maybe smash her poor heart to pieces, because tbh i would love that.  so someone pls for the love all things holy and divine, someone hurt her !!!!

fwb — probably just one (1) bc she’s still a romantic ? and she’s probably gonna want something exclusive even if it’s no strings attached and will surely want to ,.,. get to know them a little bit more first ,,, at least ideally , idk , maybe impulse & thirst gets the better of her one of these days who knows lets find out !

friends !!! — sara will love u ok. she may be a lil easily flustered but she’s doesn’t rlly give up on ppl quickly. as i’ve said, queen of empathy. probs feels v sorry for majority of the gallagher & georgetown kids bc, .,.,., this environment just screams highkey Trauma to her and she’s valid bc she’s right

mentors !!! — she hates feeling dumb ok she Always has to be on top of her game, so u can bet ur ass after her first meetings in her classes she goes to ppl going “ hey could u help me out w working out ? boxing ? firing a gun ? literally everything & anything ? ”   

anything & everything — meaning just come @ me & let’s talk about it uwu 

( did i just create georgina’s antithesis ? fuck yes, and i am sooo excited to have a child that’s not always plotting & scheming & being mean like y’all have no idea ;_; nywy, that was long bc shutting up and brevity are things i do not possess. whats up it’s ur og flower garden girl rose here aka bugleweed aka fiancée of many and lover of all, and i am open to anything and everything ! just drop an IM or hit dat like & ill slide in ur dmz w love, plots & sanitized hands x )

Since a bitch got sent one (1) ask only about. my ask meme that I created lol I’m going to go through and answer B) all of them bc i can... its selfcare.....

First 3 answers above the cut, other 47 below lmfao

Favourite of the main 6? I think the title of my blog speaks for itself lol

Least favourite of the main 6? Garbage stink piss man (Lucio)

Which of the main 6 do you want to slap the most? The aforementioned piss man but.... also kjaenfjkfea at times. Julian very badly because he’s just Like that but he’d probably enjoy that unfortunately

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Which of the main 6 have the most similar interests to you? (favourite colour, flower, food, drink, season, hobbies etc.) Portia tbh!!! She’s a very sweet spring girl and I also have a fairly similar personality to her. 

Who has the most tragic backstory? Mmmm.....muriel.......... I mean everyone has a pretty sad past but Muriel’s really is something else. The man is Heavily traumatised and I desperately want to give him a hug :(

Favourite side character? Mazelinka.... adopt me challenge kjaefkjnaf. i cant stop thinking about “goat bitch” what a fucking icon

Favourite animal friend?  Faust!!!! shes a good girl!!!

Best/worst of the courtiers? fuck i dont remember any of their names but valerius is. hot basard. worst is vlastomil hands down im kinkshaming anyone who wants to fuck the worm

Fuck, marry, kill (asker’s choice) Well skajfnkajf I’ve shot myself in the foot but. TBH its like. Marry Muriel, fuck everyone else, kill Lucio (full disclosure I only just finished julians upright ending and haven’t played Nadia’s yet so this may change except for wanting to marry Muriel and kill Lucio lol)

Romance or fluff? (Muriel) Fluff!!!!! Muriel deserves all the affection in the whole wide world. He gets sick? Bundle him up in furs by the fire and cuddle up into him with a good book. You look at him once? he blushes. it really doesnt get fluffier than that ++ a lot of his character arc in general is going to be.... letting himself trust you............. which is. so fucking wholesome

Wild night out or quiet night in? ( Muriel ) Quiet night in lmfao. We’d just hang out inside drinking hot chocolate and talking until we fell asleep propped up against the wall in his tiny house having completely lost track of time. 

Adventure or domesticity? ( Muriel ) I wanna say adventure because. I love travelling! I love going out and trying new things! And Muriel very does Not but I feel like getting him out of his comfort zone would do him some good! Starting small would probably be best, like maybe a tramp or going camping once in a while, then building up to bigger trips to other cities once you’ve convinced him you’ll both be ok as long as you’re prepared.

Cute date to the aquarium/zoo/park or elegant dinner date? ( Muriel ) I already answered this one B) I said: “ Definitely somewhere casual!!! I feel like he’d be most at ease somewhere like the park on a sunny day! Pick a nice grassy spot by a creek and bring a basket and have a really nice, chill picnic, and have a nap together in the early afternoon sun. Go for a walk after and talk about Plants (because i. am a biology student lol)  and generally just have a really relaxing time. Give the man a flower? Tuck it behind his ear? and he’d die kjnaefjnaej. Alternatively….. aquarium………. “

Coffeshop AU, high-school/college AU or modern AU? Give a headcanon about the one you chose jnakfjkjaf coffe shop AUs are so cliched but I actually love them for the settings of meetcutes. You meet Muriel when he’s on his rounds as a part time dog walker around the block and you barrel straight into him coming out of the shop when you’re checking an email, spilling the (now cold) remnants of your beverage all over him. You apologise profusely and he shrugs it off, blushing over your fussing and awkwardly tries to excuse himself. You insist on helping him finish his walk with All these dogs, anyway, you like dogs so it’s no trouble, and he begrudgingly agrees to finish the interaction sooner. You end up having a nice chat with him and notice in the weeks after that he starts coming by the shop without the dogs during the times you’re usually around, even though he doesn’t drink coffee. Your conversations with him during these short interludes quickly become the highlight of your day, and you start to suspect, eventually, that he feels the same :)

If (Muriel) turned up on your doorstep at midnight covered in blood, how would you react? Well I’d clean it off.... of .......course............. 👀👀👀

You’re stranded on a desert island; which 2 of the main 6 do you want with you? Muriel of course not only because I adore him but he’s. also a mountain man. Handy. And Asra because hes a good good magic boy and can make sand into water so.... handy. also asra is just an incredibly blessed person so kajefnkjaef

If your apprentice could go back in time and change one thing before the events of the game, what would it be? lucios birth :^)

You’re sick; who do you want to take care of you and why? I think I’m becoming predictable but. Muriel kjaefnkjafnjf you took such good care of him so it’s only fair that he should return the favour. He’s got a surprisingly good bedside manner and is generally just very gentle. Cooks eggs and grumbles that you should be taking better care of yourself but when you say thanks for all his help he blushes and kinda. stands up slightly straighter bc hes secretly happy he can Help

If you were trapped in an elevator with one character for 8 hours, who would you want it to be and why? Jojaefafjoafe ok so. Porbably Portia because she seems 1. one of the least likely to panic and 2. Would have fucking great conversation the whole time. 

Give a headcanon about Nadia She loves romcoms!!!! She would never ever admit it to anyone though, but she’s a huge sucker for romance stories in general. Cries at the end of mamma mia. Uses it as an excuse to snuggle all the way into your shoulder.

Give a headcanon about Asra He’s extremely lactose intolerant but he eats it anyway bc hes Chaotic and gives 0 fucks about how bad his guts feel afterwards, the cheese was Worth it dammit (and I say this bc thats also me kjaenfnef)

Give a headcanon about Julian Had a brief stint in his teen years where he unironically identified as sapiosexual

Give a headcanon about Portia She loves playing with hair/having her hair played with! Catch her falling asleep with her head in your lap as you weave your fingers through her hair.

Give a headcanon about Muriel I also already answered this one!:  “ He’d be really into gardening if he knew how! Catch me digging up all the dirt around his house and planting herbs, flowers (*cough* forgetmenots *cough) and other medicinal plants, and some strawberries for when spring comes! “

Give a headcanon about Lucio Unironically identifies as sapiosexual now even though he’s a huge dumbass himself 

Give a headcanon about a side character/the apprentice (asker’s choice) Nadia’s dad gets pegged

Give a popular opinion that you disagree with People calling Muriel a dom. have you. looked at this man. I have to laugh

Give an unpopular opinion Lucio sucks lol

Tarot or zodiac? Zodiac!!! Mostly bc I know exactly 0 things about tarot, I appreciate the aesthetic tho!

What is your patron major arcana? Oh worm I just looked at all the explanations in the wiki and tbh. The empress uh. dragged me with how much I ID with that (both reversed and upright) so akejfkjfae thats mine

Upright or reversed ending? Upright

Ot3? Me x muriel x asra (muriel has 2 hands and 2 tiny partners)

Brotp? jakjefnkanfe i love. portia and julians sibling banter. the good shit

Favourite non-apprentice-based ship? asriel............................. till i die............. (pordia is also fucking god tier)

Is the apprentice you, or your OC? thats just me bich kajefnkjnafe we living our best self indulgent lives 

Tell me about your Apprentice(s) im a big bi mess and i would die for muriel and thats it really

Favourite piece of worldbuilding lore? already answered: “ I really love how much of a shithole Vesuvia is kjbanefknaefk like. No formal process of trial/law? Public executions just being how people Do things? someone fucking help this city lmfao”

Favourite background/location? ok i really love nopal bc of all the cacti but tbh like. really anywhere theres a lot of cool nature? the forest is fucking good

The Forest or Nopal? bring the cacti from nopal to muriel’s hut in the forest and it’s perfect

The Palace or the shop? thheeee shop. i like the palace but i think id get Overwhelmed not being able to just. be in my own space a lot lol

The Rowdy raven or the library? the library with a healthy amount of alcohol lol. 

Favourite sprite?

43. Favourite character design?  I !!!!!!!!! really. love Asra’s design bc of its howl callback but all the designs r fucking cool 44. Best masquerade outfit?    Nadia’s..... glamorous..... 45. Best scene? Muriel. hugging. faust you and asra. hes so fucking wholesome ill cry...... or just straight up both of his books akjenfkjafn 46. Worst Scene? Honestly any containing lucio 47. Favourite song on the soundtrack? I love Crowd hammer! (predictable) but also memory 48. Best tale/bonus content? I dont remember names im terrible but i/ love the muriel one ofc kjneafkjn 49. Best CG?/ 50. Favourite memory?

ok yall ive never made a sideblog before so this may go rough but ! u kno what 2019 is about us facing our fears ok. in other news this is my new Child callia ( um hi i’m cali ty’s mun if u didnt know ) . i was gonna write out a whole gr8 intro but honestly got lazy lmfao whats new ?? under the cut is the usual, wanted plots and stats and whateva ok xoxo

BASICS !

name:  callia ( beautiful voice ) bianca ( after her mother ) donatella ( after donatella versace ) watkins ( welsh surname ) nicknames: calli, cal age: twenty three birthday: november 3 1995  zodiac: scorpio hometown: melbourne, australia occupation:  head engineer at a green tech company  hobbies: working out, partying, watching jeopardy, drawing, reading, trying new foods, going for walks in central park family: emil watkins ( iron ore mining magnate ) , bianca watkins ( socialite )  style inspo: kendall jenner, elsa hosk, rachel green, 90′s drew barrymore, bella hadid muse inspo: donna pinciotti, monica geller, tai frasier, mylene cruz, fallon carrington ( career wise )

HISTORY !

ok so if yall haven’t seen the show yummy mummies on netflix gd thats my new addiction / guilty pleasure o shit that show’s hilarious. callia’s family is fully based on carlos and maria ( maria’s this random selfish bitch who’s obsESSED w versace and herself like go watch fr ) so callia grew up wearing only designer, mostly versace and burberry clothing. she didnt rly care when she was a small child but as she started growing up she started like ?? getting shit on by her other for being a regular child & wanting to play when her mom just wanted her to be decor essentially

had a pretty lonely childhood tbh spent most her time with her terror of a mother bc she wasn’t rly allowed to go hang out w other kids & was never involved in school activities. like essentially she only went to whatever prissy academy so her mom could show off her new car or her daughter’s outfits & brag to other moms lmfao

tbh didn’t give a shit about the brands and labels despite their house being covered in head to toe versace everythING she was more interested in sports and actuaL hobbies ?? so she wanted to play sports but wasn’t allowed bc goD FORBID she get a bruise or smth on her perfect skin. so she just started working out on her own in their home gym and found it was a rly good escape from her fam

another method of escape her mother’s grip was by delving into her studies. she was always top of her class and worked so dang hard ( but like also could afford the best tutors and education lmfao) so sis basically could get accepted wherever she wanted to go for post secondary

eventually she was able to convince her parents to let her study abroad for a year in nyc going to stay w her cousin #jessegrove where she was ! finally ! able to escape the clutches of her awful mother and her pushover disconnected father. she told her mother she was going to use the year as research for a career in modeling or fashion or smth bc she knew it’d cater to her moms interests but rly she just needed to get tf out of melbourne and live a normal life

she’s lived in nyc ever since ( since she was 18 - she’s 23 now ) and wanted nothing to do with the expensive brand names she’d grown to despise. so she found herself a condo ( def spent millions on it bc god forbid bianca watkins’ daughter living in anything under 5mil) but didn’t want it to be anything crazy bc she was so over that lifestyle so its def luxurious but very basic and minimal compared to what she grew up with

got into columbia’s earth and environmental engineering program bc she figured she ought to do something good with her smarts and her parent’s money so she went to school to get a degree & got a sweet job at a green tech company where she basically gets to do whatever tf she wants bc she’s the head engineer & makes fat stacks 

PERSONALITY !

during the week goOD luck convincing cal to leave the office like she basically lives there but she loves it ??? or shes at home doing facemasks and binging on reality tv like weekday vs weekend shes a completely diff person

weekends like......u better watch out. having grown up so isolated and sheltered callia has come to LOVE the nyc nightlife scene like she will get blackout one night and be ready to get drunk at brunch the next. shes not usually the life of the party moreso bc she enjoys just being a shit disturber and finds it fun lmfao

experiences maJOR fomo

she rly tries to be nice to everyone stemming from a deep need to have friends and be liked lmfao and is overall v approachable and friendly

can come across as fake tho bc she tries to be so nice she won’t disagree w people unelss they’re waY off from her own ideas

is v politically engaged & cares alot abt the environment so she’s vegan, walks most places, will 10/10 give a ted talk if anyone asks more deeply abt her job

honestly she wears mostly like simple clothing. like she just buys what she likes, whether its at h&m or at prada she has a distaste for exclusively brand wardrobes. def mostly walks around in high top converse and levi’s jeans 

WANTED PLOTS !

roommates ! the apartment linked above has 4 bedrooms so i’d loVE for 3 lil old roomates :’) 

hook ups / fwbs ! all that pent up stress has to come out somewhere lmfao shes tryna get laid at every turn so imma need a bunch of hook up plots ok no specific gender ( unlimited )

best friend ! the mary kate to her ashley, this person understands her inside and out & tbh knows her better than she knows herself. def knows about her crazy mother & can put up w the rants ( open )

friends from college ! they prob have wild stories abt college parties & have seen one anohter at their worst. preferably someone who went to columbia also ( open )

mutual dislike ! they think callia’s annoying and preachy, she thinks they’re rude and devil’s spawn bc they’re not as passionate abt environmental issues ( open )

exes ( she ghosted on them ) ! pls ok pls i need many !!!! cal’s so willing to adapt her personality to fit w whoever she’s with so she prob would be rly lovey dovey and make it seem like they were perfect for each other and meant to be but she low key lied abt everything, her family, her background, her feelings for them, etc. she prob thought they were ok but wasn’t rly into them besides for sex. so eventually she just got so invested in her work she ghosted on them ! i imagine them dating for a while too like maybe a year & they never met her family or rly got to know her bc she was hella guarded ( open ! )

exes ( on good terms ) ! they dated when she was new to nyc - she was like oooh an american they were like ooh an australian & tbh their sex life was gr8 but they didn’t rly have much going except for that so they called it off. they’re still friends & sometimes laugh abt the relationship ( open ! )

current fling ! they’re hanging out , might be moving towards exclusivity but aren’t there yet, its casual ( open ! ) 

sibling like relationship ! she never had siblings so she always felt like that aspect was missing from her life. she prob treats them like a sibling, asking if they’ve eaten and keeping up to date on their life. she cares alot & has good intentions but can sometimes be seen as over protective and pushy ( open ! )

ok yall im tired of writing this shit props to yall who do like literal essays, bullet points are even too much for me. LIKE THIS n ill slide into yo dms ok thanks for coming to my ted talk

Tetrox and maybe Logan?

ooh nice!! thanks for asking

Tetrox

favorite thing about them: she's just. hilarious. even tho she mostly only got speaking time in OE she still has a distictive personality and has such a Chaotic Presence... shes here to fuck shit up and have a good timeleast favorite thing about them: i mean she had a whole storyline that tammy hinted at for like two years straight and it just never happened at all, so. that sucked lol but i hope that she gets her own storyline in bup, bc since she never got that backstory basically her whole presence in cct revolves around arnick and we all know she's more than that. i just wish we got to see itfavorite line: probably "So cool! I wanna fight him!" when she first met angelo lol or any line she has like that fdjkfhbrOTP: her and bella and cyanthia!!! i really live for their interactions (or just team toxink interactions in general) and i wish we got more of that instead of just arnick and tetroxOTP: i can see a universe where she and arnick got more in depth development after OE and readers got to know their respective backstories, and then i would really like their ship but rn i just dont really have one for hernOTP: uhh again dont really have one other than like Dont Ship Her With The Minors u know. so much of her content is based off of her being shipped w arnick i just want some platonic/friendly stuff too!random headcanon: @bup-oh said they had a dream(i think?) where it turned out tetrox was faking her accent the whole time. is that actually a real headcanon for me probably not but could you imagine. what if she's just really good at doing accents. id screamunpopular opinion: i just.... dont get the arnick/tetrox hype? like i definitely dont dislike it esp bc i think it has really good potential (and i cant wait to see what happens w them in bup) but right now the only basis for their ship is that theyre both Hot and they Dont Like Each Other. literally it feels like what ended up with them in cct was arnick hated octolings until he met a sexy one and now he loves them... like thats so bad im sorry lmfao. imagine how much better it could besong i associate with them: people cmon by delta spirit! id love to make a playlist for her one dayfavorite picture of them:

absolute legend

Logan

favorite thing about them: i like how his character has evolved! even after tammy changed him from the "strong silent type" etc from what he's like now i feel like he's gotten nice gradual development, from his interests to his FAMILY to his friendships with splat jam! he's a good boy trying his best who has had to put up with so much lesbian drama oh my godleast favorite thing about them: uhhh i dont really have one that i can think of? hm. favorite line: its from a patreon page from... two weeks ago? you'll know it when you see it. brOTP: him and splat jam!!! all the way!! i think he has potential for rly interesting relationships with all three but especially marian bc it really seems like she took him under her wing and whinter as well! i feel like there aren't a lot of male friendships that get a lot of focus in tammy's works but i like to see whinter and logan just hangin out. guys bein dudes.OTP: him and tanrine!!!! theyre cute and i love them and i love unrequited mutual pining fjdksfnOTP: im just glad people dont ship him and whinter anymore lol even as a jokerandom headcanon: him and whinter have a twitch channel together and they stream dumb shit like horror games. theyre both p good at video games but also they scream at jumpscares LOLunpopular opinion: ill literally never accept that he was afraid of bella when they were both on SJ together it just makes no sense for both of their characters (thats more of a miscue on bella’s character than logan’s tho imo)song that reminds me of them: hmm maybe i wanna get better by the bleachers? i cant think of any definite ones off the top of my head rip. but i think this song kinda delves into the fact that logan has Been Through Some Shit and how SJ helped him :')favorite picture of them: any pic where he breaks the fourth wall and ends up making eye contact w the reader sjfkds i know its unintentional but it cracks me up. also this one. dapper boy

ask from @fm-white (my asks were all fucked up before she brought it to my attention):

For the asks: 1, 4, 5, 9, 12, 13 and 16! <3

get to know me (i am an open book)

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

yes and no.

in the realm of fanfiction, the kibasaku longfic i spoke about a little bit ago (based off of the true story of Martha and Waitstill Sharp during WWII where they rescued jewish children and families from the nazis) has been put on hold bc uh, well. i am a bit afraid of writing it LOL, as in im nervous i wont be able to do the plot or characters justice and i really wanna be able to have fun but also be accurate. plus, OL&W is still in works and that mf is a beast

as for original works, my novel Forge of Stars and Bones is in its second draft and i'm starting in an entirely different place than the first so its throwing me off on a lot of things. plus, this is like my favorite child, i don't wanna fuck it up. the first draft took me like 4 years to write and even then it isn't fully done, but my writing has grown so much that reading over what i had, i jsut couldn't keep writing in the same voice/tone. so! starting over! and it is hard as fuck! so im procrastinating LMFAO

(posts about FOSAB: i. ii. )

4) favorite character you’ve written

hands down: sakura. i just love her character and the way that i can use her emotional side. she deserves all the rage and anger and softness!!

og work wise: hala, she's my demon summoner mage that is someone i can relate to on an emotional level and who i just love exploring.

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

probably lee! i always liked him in the anime but i never thought id write him but the more @lotusfartstwice and i talk about him (and his relationship with sakura) the more i want to write about him, the more i wanna dig deeper because he has unfounded potential and i love him. i was a bit nervous to write him because of his pattern of speech, but meh i can do it.

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

it depends really! sometimes a line in a song will inspire me, sometimes ill be half asleep and suddenly i can hear a beautifully written line in my head and i craft an entire story just to i can use it. or ill be hcing with someone on twitter/tumblr/in my comments and BOOM!

other times i just am hit with the need to write this certain thing. like with TIOBU, i just needed to write it and get it out there. idk why but i did, its like a tugging and nagging type feel

12) your weaknesses as an author

dialogue. i feel like my dialogue and friendship banter always falls flat and just reads too forced?? idk man, i am NOT funny irl (or on here) but my friends are hilarious so i attempt to draw on experience and simply cant. or at least i feel like its dumb idk man

also probably the way i present the story? i feel like sometimes it comes off as immature? if that makes sense? maybe inexperienced is better wording, but yeahhh

13) your strengths as an author

imagery! i think im very good at planting an image/tone in the readers head. also provoking certain feelings/drawing out emotions within my readers! i try to write from my heart and soul because i like writing with emotion

another strength would be ummm world building! i think im vv good at it (or at least i enjoy doing it LOL) the subtle drops of world while reading to slowly build up the image in a readers head while also not dumping it in one go is something i love doing, also foreshadowing :)

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

yes. there's this one character from a novel idea i had years ago. she's a celestial knight (don't ask me what it means, i have no idea!) and she has a horse??? BUT SHE HAS A MAGIC SPACE BROAD SWORD and is probably a lesbian. listen, she doesn't have a name, or personality, but the concept of her keeps me up at night. whenever i finish FOSAB (and hopefully become published then write the other planned installments of the trilogy) i would want to explore that concept.

No problem, respond however long after sjsjsjsjsjsjsj how are you? Yes, I'm taking care; it's starting to get really chilly and almost my entire family is down with the flu due to weather change 😔 but I'm well (hopefully they get soon too)! Omg thank you haha I also have this fear of rambling to the point the other person gets annoyed at my propensity for talking a tad too much - ❄️

hello and i hope you’ve been doing well!

Lol I've been meaning to start making stuff for tbz too but we'll see, maybe my multi blog will become a tbz/astro blog with a sprinkle of some other groups because of my desire to create content for all groups but not wanting to commit to too many (as if these aren't already enough haha) we've still got more than a month to go so as of right now, my only hope is that I don't accidentally reveal myself - ❄️

Oof I hate it when my mother/grandma say that! but as I enjoy doing it all I have no problem making meals; provided no one comes into the kitchen and pesters me about 'not putting enough salt/spices' or 'cutting the onions before cutting the chillis' etc... that is what makes my mind go blank and then I'm more likely to mess up the recipe - ❄️

I think I like this one more, the cream cheese makes it dense and really heavy + the flavour is too overpowering; but yogurt is like a blank canvas to paint with different flavours as it's taste is almost negligible yet at the same time retains the tart/yogurt-like essence! Only thing is that it takes a little longer because you have to drain the yogurt in a cloth to remove excess water if it's not greek and the plain normal one :/ - ❄️

It is hard to find that stuff here too but as my mother makes most of it herself, we're able to have it! omg same here! I would just sit down and gif a TON but now I barely have the energy or time to... hence why I'm trying to make a schedule based on what blogs to gif for each or every 2 days~ HAHA I get that a little too well; my ult group is the one I've barely giffed and I really wanna change that soon too - ❄️

Ooh, fellow stay! (don't worry; once you meet me off anon, I will make you an ot8 stan in no time :D) tbh the reason I got into watching their survival program was because I heard there was a guy with a dEEP voice and when I checked them out I quite liked aussie line and the other members! I recently started giffing them but I think I enjoy making skz content the most, can't pinpoint why but I'm always most happy then... - ❄️

Ah, txt are very talented and among great 4th gen groups! I bias ot5 but my inner bamtori (Beomgyu stan) gets a little spotlight at times too hehe you're exactly like my brother/friend they love the fighting more than anything so at times we team up and I play the brain teasers while they shoot! I hope you're taking care too, and thank you :( I really enjoy talking to you as well! - ❄️

ahh i hope your family’s getting better, it’s always hard to recover from the flu especially during the colder seasons :( do make sure you’re taking care of yourself too though, we wouldn’t want you falling ill :(  and noo as always, i enjoy receiving your asks (even if i take forever to respond) and they always brighten up my day!

ohh omg you like astro? im not into many bgs tbh but astro are definitely one of my favs (✿╹◡╹)  but lol i get u, whenever im sending anons to my person (im not sure what to call them?????? help) i get so paranoid that ive forgotten to make sure im on anon 😭😭 

i feel you! idk if its just me but its so much more difficult to cook when there are other people in the kitchen monitoring you or telling you what to do, i always feel like i’ll mess up when someone’s watching me, even if im making something as simple as instant noodles! 

that’s really interesting!! we make our own yoghurt here too, because my aunt is like this weird health nut who’s obsessed with never ever eating anything store bought LOL but i’ll have to look into some recipes and see how it goes!! 

omg its cool that you’re making a schedule to gif though, that at least helps with keeping on track with stuff and making sure that you don’t get distracted and suddenly end up in a giffing hole for several hours! i keep trying to take a hiatus from tumblr but every time im away a million things drop and i just have this urge to gif because i want my blog to be like an ~ archive ~ and he (jaehyun 😡) is just so cute i can’t help it LOLL but hopefully ill get myself together soon and stop spending so much time on here 😩😩🙏🏼

ngl i do not know any other skz members apart from felix and hyunjin lmfao but i look forward to getting to know them better (with you, hopefully hehe) txt sound great! i dont really have the time or energy to get into any groups (i can barely keep up with ONE now) but i’ll definitely try to find some time to give them a listen! 

i hope you’re doing well and not stressing yourself out too much, remember to bundle up when you’re going out and stay safe!! 

Interpret how u please but know it saved my mind and soul.

SUMMARYWe have primitive speech in comparison to aliens/ superior being/s/ {Our God self]DONT FUCKING READ THIS IF U ARENT OPEN MINDED! DEADASS FUCKING SERIOUS UR GONNA MISS OUT.to become open minded you must have some form of empathy. Some form meaning you must have to have either the almost perfect understanding empathy based on your ability to place yourself in somebody elses position along with all of their past tramas, what they just fucking ate, basically whatever relevant to the situation apparent or not. I.E do I help this guy for gas hes asking the clerk hes begging he says hes got no money has to get home to his family. seems like a good dude. not making a fuss. being very nice about it. I paid for his fucking gas. Thats good energy right there. sent away and returned in ways that probably already occured but I don't reconize them as a direct result from helping. If you did what you thought was right or whatever you wanted to do actually. Which is what you're going to do anyways cause thats what you fucking decieded you wanted yourself to do. So if this doesn't hit you like it hits most people and myself included. Then just close the book and call me insane. If being insane is living content in my beliefs and my tommorow during the today but with passion for the future. then im fucking insane. Because thats what my program has done for me Truly search for good and if it isn't what you want to spend your time trying to help or doesnt concern you. You weren't meant to be concerened by it and thats okay because it will concern someone else at the right time. etc considered and making a choice based off of critical information secured from a display of empathy. If you cant show empathy practice please fucking practice before you continue reading. Actually idgaf you do you. Your life do what you desire.Speech is used to manifest things into reality of time. Typically faster if done consistently. Tested and proved. By many. My barber for example. little over 7 months ago living in a 1 bed room dumb girlfriend cat and hes cutting hair in his kitchen. The entire time throughout the year  hes telling me about this house hes getting his own very first house brand fucking new completely taylored to him. He told me saying Lep yeah my mom is helping me buy a house and get my career moving finally. After long periods of being told to basically fuck off his mom basically has a change of heart randomly. Hes got a 3 bedroom house. A barber room with checkered floot. 3 tvs niceass fucking interior furniture hes painting the house and has done many renovations over the last few months of him having this house. Just returning there earlier tonight actually I had walked in and had to check if he changed the paint in his front room again! Truly He doesn't even realize it completely. Hes almost so dumb hes smart. in a sense that being happy is being smart. He isn't stupid tho. My barber is on some of the same shit I am. Some. thats a different story tho. The point is he talked to me everytime he cut my hair for 6 month. Not just me I know for certain. He would talk motherfuckers ears off im sure they hated it. Honestly I hadn't been enlightened at this point. I fucking hated it. OMg yeah we fucking get it bro u want checkered floors. So many motherfuckers are talking nowadays. But do they always talk the same shiteveryday? Ill say it again. Do you talk about the same thing everysingle day? Do you talk to someone every single day? I don' t even have to ask what or why you do it. You're doing it because you have the desire of the company of that person. or their opinion, Whatever they have of value or beneficially or mutually beneficially to you or both. My barber talked about all the cool shit he was gonna do with his house. Having a pit bike track in the back. making a fire bit. building a deck. Making a TV back drop out of stained wood stained nailed and cut by him and I. Painted the entire house. CHECKERED FLOORS MOTHERFUCKERS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is MANIFEST IT IN YOUR LIFE. The sooner you start talking about and creating this lifestyle and figuring out how you're going to do it one day at a time. Talk to the person ur nervous to talk to. If they fall in love with you. THATS FUCKING KICKASS. if he thinks u dont belong in his universe right now understand thats a huge fucking positive in your life. Now you can live in this moment in time and know in this moment in time that it isn't happening because if it isn't meant to happen yet if at all. For all you know you could meet  him in 5 years and get married have 3 kids live happily ever after. Straight the fuck up! Right now im consistently talking to a girl i had the hugest crush on but never did anything about it. WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. CAUSE HOW FUCKING AWKWARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN in minnesota when im visiiting and havent been home for christmas in 5 years that we just so happen to go get breakfest at a taveren like wtf? and its where she works serving. Top it off while we are walking in I see the sign of the place and reconize it from an instagram post that she posted and I had liked and inturn she liked my picture. whatever not important. all im trying to say is the future is 100% unpredictable in every sense. but at the same time it will be 100% guarenteed with my mindset program if applied properly. You never know tomorrow and that may scare you but what if you already had chosen what happens tomorrow long before anything existed? Do you trust your own judgement? The best part is you dont even have to trust your own judgement. YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO. But sometimes doing them is what you're meant to do typically for your benefit anyways, if not its a punishment, and if it isn't your benefit its somebody elses and they may or may not know that you're the direct cause. you may or may not know ever. But I believe that when we die we are enlightened and are shown the purpose to life. whether a test or a simulation. multiple tests inside one another or something uncomprehensible to myself or anyone. But thats different. What I do know is that a key to a good life Is a good mindset. Choose the mindset of I'm the shit. Cause I am, Cause I decieded I am, Im good fucking looking, People may call you a slut or whore but honestly it may be disgusting a little bit but they're probably jealous of all the hot people you've been with. Or even the fact ur getting laid. most single people hate on girls anyway. aint no boy in a nice healthy relationship talking shit on females and if he is he probably likes u and is trying to hide it. anyways besides the point. You need to develop something you say to yourself {I recommend} outloud {especially for getting started} whether written or set as an alarm for your phone ur background to your phone it could be a picture with a completely hidden message behind it. just associate something or have something that has things you know deep down in your soul you need to say to yourself. For example for me, Ive always been sensitive, still am a lot less than I was alot, But over time After being outcasted from my family at 15 being legally kiddnapped, and broken down on all aspects of self with many failed although maybe not completely failed attempts at bettering myself to the way that works for normies or the purposefully chosen people to be uneducated of the power of speech. They were esentially taking me in at 15 with a metaphorical emotionally broken leg. { ie i hate myself and im a bad person i dont give a fuck and i just want to die cause i dont understand the world} that was my attitude ie the broken metaphorical leg that I came into the school but for the sake of this metaphor this hospital with. However pretend in our metaphor the break in my leg is un noticeable. if ur slow as fuck just know the broken leg is a metaphor for my fucked up thinking. The hospitol or treatment center/school I was at cant fix my leg without me telling them my leg is broken. Now they knew something is wrong or else I wouldnt be there. Many claim at that hospital upon recent arrival that there's been a mistake and they don't need to be there. many times I laughed with everyone else at group along with the director Parker. Parker I believe knows alot about this but would never share with the group for possiblities of the kids claiming they're being brain washed or told to believe such things without an adult or atleast enlightened soul and mind these practices may sound slightly lucritive. Anyway back to the story. Metaphorically I tried many times to dodge and weave around questions asked in therapy sometimes even hamming it up to seem cool because of how insecure I was. trying to seek acceptance from my therapist lmfao very dark times. Which got darker with small light at the end of the tunnel. Thats the thing about parker he never took away full hope and if he did he had a good reason for doing so. I completely trust his judgement even to this day. Lying to ur therapist or even if they think you're lying to your therapist which usually they're right. The only reason they were ever wrong with me lying was because the decision was made based on previous situations of past lies. Lied before you'll lie again? possibly. Anyway, the darkness brought upon u metaphorically and almost not was the wall/work crew. ADAYONTHEWALL In a way this is tramatic but it almost shouldnt be. It was trautic because I put myself there many times. Purposefully yes in a sense but not the living sense. I wanted to be the perfect student at Liahona. Be the leader everyone looked up to. Be the family fucking leader. But I literally just was to immature and weak in all aspects. Too much so to do any of those things. Now that I think back the beauty of it Is I did eventually get all of those things. Because I manifested them. I desired both with my words and the vibes my words created in my body that the universe recieved. My body had translated what I wrote in my daily evals every night at Liahona. I attended Liahona for 711 days. 9 Days short from 2 years. The program is 9 months long. Back to the main subject. The wall. 6 am wake the fuck up. HEADCOUUUUUNT!!!. Big ass motherfucking dude named Quando shouts it at the top of his lungs. LMFAO pretty funny to think but this guy would scare the shit out of new kids in the mornings. shouting out of their beds. I definitely woke up thats for sure. The whole facility of 50-60 boys come out of there room pretty much as fast as possible although groggily everyone dressed in the same navy blue shorts and grey liahona t-shit tucked into our gym shorts with either white black or grey solid socks. No designs or wild shit. All the rules at Liahona were created over the years it had transitioned from an old house to the facility to the newer facility. Everything from tuck in ur chair at all times to. turn off the lights when you leave a room. Hundred of rules probably around over a thousand actually. I hated it off the bat but what was I gonna do? anyway. After everyone lines up in a U- formation with quando standing in the open portion of the U. He would say the same things every morning. Almost as if he was designed to say the same or relatively the same thing. One thing was for sure the message was clear every morning. Go back to your rooms  Today is a new day its a beautiful day make your beds and start studying your quote or doing whatever you're aloud to do until you go for the morning run and breakfest. Now quado probably used a great deal more broken english being from the pacific islands one of em sorry dont actually know. anyways. we dismiss. or atleast. everybody else does. perusual here I am. I sit down in my LIFETIME costco chair sitting mere inches from the head of my twin mattress. I will now sit in this chair for the remainder of the day unless instructed or allowed otherwise. 6-7 morning shift arrives. Can't look away. I think to myself staring at the wall. The desire to look is bad but even the thought of having to write another 300 word essay although they've become easy now, pointless to get one for something so easily avoidable. putting my elbows on my knees I duck my head do as If to pretend im studying the quote (a passage of around 100 words- alot of fucking words that must be memorized in full word for word straight the fuck up and recited to either a very trusted upper level or staff member who will tell you when you mess up and must stop and either use one of 2 hints allowed by parker to figure out whatever word u forgot or fail and take a 300 word essay, However if the quote is failed to be passed off before friday then your points for that week will be cut into half basically prolonging your stay to an extent given points are used to determine not in full but definitely play a large part in even the opportunity of you being recommended to get your next level Ie the quote is very important, very difficult, and I fucking hated it so fucking much you have no idea, Fuck the fucking stupid fucking quote. Parker is smart for the fact that he knows theres got to be something that seems and may possibly be a punishment that is time consuming and benefits those who work harder and faster destroying room for socialism. Basically parker created the quote to see who the fuck is really trying and how hard. Based on when you pass off the quote, If you pass off the quote, and how long of the quote is and whats in the quote. Parker can determine your loyalty to the program and therefore your recovery) Sitting in my chair and ducking my head between my armpits I can finally look around in a small area on each side of my body without getting too ballsy. This is my entertainment for the remainder of the day. Besides playing with my hand/feet. Tapping my feet/hand. looking at the US map{ and sometimes if they put u on the other wall or farther down you got the south america map. To this day can name the south american countries for the most part in alphabetical order. Crazylol. I can do the states right now. anyways. } Eating Oats and water with 2 of the gnarliest fucking red delicious apples every fucking morning. YO WHERE DID U FIND THOSE FUCKING APPLES MARK AND WHOEVER THE FUCK SHOPPED? jesus christ. Still don't eat red delicious apples THERE NOT FUCKING delicious. liars anyway. Before that when morning shift arrives typically shortly after if not immediately after their arrival we do another headcount. Of course yelled much less.... whats the word.... manly lol. Derek had the lamest headcount call. His unenthusiastic Severous snape from harry potter like almost moan like noise. anyways fuck u derek. Derek would take us to get our shoes, at both the new and old facility there are shoe closets that contain every students single pair of running shoes. The new facility also has our never to be touched til we leave or go on a visit personal items. After getting our shoes on. We went outside. line up on the concrete basket ball court in 5 lines spanning accross the entire court each student assigned to a 'family' upon arrival in no paticular order I hope but idk. Usually it was the one with the lowest amount of students but some family leaders would try to boost by trying to speak with newer students asap and within the rules. Communication of any kind with any student not directly monitored without being directly told otherwise is strictly forbidden. No form of communication head bobs nods winks smiles smirks laughs even eye contact for long periods of time. Although of course these rules were broken many times over the course of my stay. I definitely stopped talking to kids. Literally it taught me and im kinda glad it did it taught me to not ask my peers but elder people with wisdom and knowledge for help. However in therapy groups they allow us to communicate freely with the presnence of the therapist who was 1 of two therapists. However he would quickly correct any advice given from a student to a student to not only teach us the correct way to solve whatever issue being discussed  or shared. but almost in a way indirectly teaching you that experience and age are similar but not the same and to seek those that give the best advice and help the most which tend to be the people u want anyways. I did learn many many many many useful things that I still use today from Liahona. Because of going im now 1000x ahead of an average person my age. Given my experiences and newly found and enlightened self. Given to me when I was ready to give it to myself. When I learned I control this reality with how I feel. And I tend to feel how I talk. Because my talk conveys my emotion. Talk good feel good do good deserve good. Lined up on the basketball court right my bad Im side tracked for the millionth time. gimme a break lol anyways. We line up in  5 columns of anywhere from 10 to 13 students typically ten atleast. 50 jumping jacks Go!" 1..2..3..4..5..6..7- ......49..50.  50 laps chop it up. At 8 laps a mile  50 laps was common but not that common. For awhile it was daily. All of our days depended on how all of us acted as a whole. If one person tried to run and doesnt succeed obvisouly never have never will. Everybody goes on lock down. No talking no moving everybody sits  in a circle. study a gigantic quote for that week cause homeboy tried running. or whatever the case is. Basically if you dont pull your weight somebody else has to and that weight is only their cause you are inturn now they hate u lol. Definitely was unlike for a vast majority by the vast majority however luckily in the end all works out as does all things in this universe in my world or currently my world.story sorry again 50 pushups now in unicen aswell 123-49-50 Then he tells us to go run and sometimes he'll tell u how many laps and sometimes hed tell u when you get to his standing spot at the finish line after your first lap. He does this to guage how and when certain students put in more effort. Shorter run? more harder runners? longer run? Whos putting in effort regardless of circumstance ie whats going on in ur life. Ie how many laps you got How are you moving before you know what your next move is. Are you jogging that first lap until derek tells you to save your breath cause you're banking on it being a longer run. Have you been running slow for 3 laps but the run was only 8 today so ur wasting ur time being lazy. Derek would see when you would run hard. who made u run harder cause u wanted to beat them. how many laps does it have to be minimum to run on the first lap. Whos running hard the first lap regardless of circumstance. They could tell who you were and what you could offer before you even knew anything about any of that. Because honestly you didnt give a fuck about trying before. atleast I didn't. I soon did. Over those 711 days I ran 95 percent of the week day mornings. was in niceass shape too for 17. weekends we got off thankf uckign god. After the blisters heal and you get calices on ur feet from running in the beginning being a new student it sucks alot don't get me wrong and it'll suck for awhile but you'll eventually learn to adapt and conquer by anymeans. I quit after 6 laps my first run. Not even a mile. sat down said I needed my inhaler. I didn't even have one.

[4/5/17, 9:19:10 PM] aub: but no time [4/5/17, 9:19:13 PM] aub: only time to sleep [4/5/17, 9:19:27 PM] aub: obssessed with sleeping [4/5/17, 9:19:35 PM] aub: just want to go to sleep all the time [4/5/17, 9:19:40 PM] aub: tired of being awake [4/5/17, 9:19:52 PM] aub: today i remembered the story of the fig tree in the bible [4/5/17, 9:20:02 PM] aub: and we had a partner discussion on the moral of the story [4/5/17, 9:20:07 PM] aub: u know it right [4/5/17, 9:20:21 PM] aub: basically jesus is hungry and he finds a fig tree and gets pissed off that it isnt bearing fruit [4/5/17, 9:20:24 PM] aub: so he curses it [4/5/17, 9:20:29 PM] aub: and the next day it withers [4/5/17, 9:20:33 PM] aub: so it’s basically like [4/5/17, 9:20:45 PM] Jimmy: Never heard [4/5/17, 9:20:50 PM] aub: if u don’t amount to anything or you don’t produce anything in life then you may as well be dead [4/5/17, 9:20:55 PM] aub: lmfao [4/5/17, 9:21:12 PM] aub: or you’re as good as dead basically [4/5/17, 9:21:23 PM] aub: no difference whether you’re dead or alive if u dont produce anything [4/5/17, 9:21:31 PM] aub: that’s literally the moral of the parable [4/5/17, 9:21:45 PM] aub: but jesus must have been really hangry [4/5/17, 9:21:53 PM] Jimmy: Right [4/5/17, 9:21:56 PM] Jimmy: lol [4/5/17, 9:21:57 PM] aub: how petty can u be to curse a tree [4/5/17, 9:22:15 PM] aub: then his disciples were like holy shit u cursed it and it died holy shit [4/5/17, 9:22:26 PM] Jimmy: do u think there's a gay gene [4/5/17, 9:22:30 PM] aub: the real moral of the story (positive) is that “YOU BETTER WORK" [4/5/17, 9:22:33 PM] aub: yeah there is [4/5/17, 9:22:35 PM] aub: proven [4/5/17, 9:22:39 PM] aub: like literally [4/5/17, 9:23:00 PM] Jimmy: Rihanna work [4/5/17, 9:23:09 PM] aub: gay physique, especially for males, is different than heterosexuals [4/5/17, 9:23:37 PM] aub: makes u more slender and a little more feminine and ur voice is a little higher [4/5/17, 9:23:48 PM] aub: it’s a different testosterone level [4/5/17, 9:23:56 PM] aub: and estrogen production [4/5/17, 9:24:00 PM] aub: it’s the reason why like [4/5/17, 9:24:04 PM] aub: my friend mitch [4/5/17, 9:24:07 PM] aub: his parents are straight [4/5/17, 9:24:15 PM] aub: but him and all three of his brothers are gay [4/5/17, 9:24:28 PM] aub: so they just literally produced gay children [4/5/17, 9:24:36 PM] aub: you’re predisposed to it based on your parents genetics [4/5/17, 9:24:39 PM] aub: u really are [4/5/17, 9:24:41 PM] aub: born gay [4/5/17, 9:25:06 PM] aub: and also people who are homophobic (men who are homophobic) have this gene where [4/5/17, 9:25:23 PM] aub: ok so basically no one is homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:29 PM] aub: u aren’t supposed to be homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:54 PM] aub: but short answer is [4/5/17, 9:26:15 PM] aub: the reason that homophobic men exist so vehemently and outwardly is because theyre predisposed to getting turned on by viewing gay pornography [4/5/17, 9:26:24 PM] aub: *scientifically [4/5/17, 9:26:48 PM] aub: so their values turn the attraction into fear and hatred of one’s self [4/5/17, 9:27:05 PM] aub: and then they uh [4/5/17, 9:27:07 PM] aub: whats the word [4/5/17, 9:27:09 PM] aub: hold on [4/5/17, 9:27:13 PM] aub: its a psychology defense mechanism [4/5/17, 9:27:27 PM] aub: oh [4/5/17, 9:27:29 PM] aub: projection [4/5/17, 9:27:32 PM] aub: there we go [4/5/17, 9:28:03 PM] aub: when u have like problems within urself and u project it out onto others and how u view the world as a result of inner conflict [4/5/17, 9:28:07 PM] aub: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/ [4/5/17, 9:32:45 PM] Jimmy: Interesting [4/5/17, 9:33:14 PM] aub: like [4/5/17, 9:33:24 PM] aub: like someone cheating on their s/o [4/5/17, 9:33:31 PM] aub: and then their s/o asks them if theyre cheating [4/5/17, 9:33:38 PM] aub: and they’re like no how could u say that [4/5/17, 9:33:41 PM] aub: are YOU cheating on me [4/5/17, 9:33:47 PM] aub: (projection) [4/5/17, 9:34:41 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:44 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:48 PM] aub: which is more me!! [4/5/17, 9:34:53 PM] Jimmy: Second [4/5/17, 9:34:56 PM] aub: my sister wants to buy me a passion planner [4/5/17, 9:35:01 PM] Jimmy: Is that even.a question [4/5/17, 9:35:04 PM] aub: oh really?? [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: my friend said the first [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: im torn between the two [4/5/17, 9:35:31 PM] aub: i reaaaally like the second one’s design [4/5/17, 9:35:47 PM] aub: it’s a little paler in person [4/5/17, 9:35:57 PM] aub: more of a tiffany blue than an electric one like that [4/5/17, 9:36:29 PM] aub: jimbles i just want to be a genuinely better person [4/5/17, 9:36:43 PM] aub: but i think the more i think about these goals the harder it is to achieve them [4/5/17, 9:37:15 PM] aub: i think things are less about motivation and more about discipline and i’m jst too fragile for all of it [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: i finally realized [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: or [4/5/17, 9:37:57 PM] aub: i saw something on tumblr and i felt relieved and validated [4/5/17, 9:38:03 PM] aub: that someone mntioned that [4/5/17, 9:38:34 PM] aub: online csa is real and it’s thing even if a lot of people don’t recognize it and it’s just as traumatizing as irl csa [4/5/17, 9:38:52 PM] aub: especially because mine is both [4/5/17, 9:39:17 PM] aub: it’s hard for me to label it as csa because i don’t want to admit it [4/5/17, 9:39:59 PM] aub: but ive become more in touch with trauma and ptsd and csa recovery coping blogs and [4/5/17, 9:40:13 PM] aub: i think for the same reason that i’ve come to identify with bpd is that [4/5/17, 9:40:48 PM] aub: the things and experiences and feelings that other people, others diagnosed with it/have definitely gone through it are the exact same things that i identify with [4/5/17, 9:40:55 PM] aub: the same thought patterns [4/5/17, 9:41:30 PM] aub: it feels good to know that i’m not the only one who thinks horrible things like this to myself [4/5/17, 9:42:03 PM] aub: like u know dont touch me im impure im dirty ill nevr be able to be clean again [4/5/17, 9:42:12 PM] aub: or bpd like [4/5/17, 9:43:02 PM] aub: ill cut you off before you do i hate you i love you i hate you i hate what you’ve done to me i love you please dont ever leave me ill kill myself without you [4/5/17, 9:43:09 PM] aub: it’s [4/5/17, 9:43:16 PM] aub: i feel so ashamed all the time [4/5/17, 9:44:15 PM] aub: i like to hope that im not just licking my wounds here and wallowing in the comfort of a safe community [4/5/17, 9:44:22 PM] aub: i like to think that this is part of the healing process [4/5/17, 9:44:40 PM] aub: but i wonder all the time if ill ever heal or if i’ll just stay damaged goods [4/5/17, 9:45:31 PM] aub: i wonder if anyone will want to touch me or be with me like this or if anyone could love me like this [4/5/17, 9:45:57 PM] aub: and the feeling impermanence and irrationalism [4/5/17, 9:46:42 PM] aub: as if i forget everyday that i’m loved and have to be reminded by large displays of affection or else i get paranoid, vindictive, hateful, withdrawn [4/5/17, 9:46:52 PM] aub: carrying all of these things all the time is hard [4/5/17, 9:47:03 PM] aub: i don’t even know where all of this is coming from [4/5/17, 9:47:08 PM] aub: maybe from some place deep inside me [4/5/17, 9:47:28 PM] aub: i really thought i couldn’t think anymore but i guess it’s still there [4/5/17, 9:51:23 PM] Jimmy: um [4/5/17, 9:51:33 PM] Jimmy: nepo [4/5/17, 9:51:46 PM] aub: sorry i [4/5/17, 9:51:52 PM] aub: i know it just comes tumbling out [4/5/17, 9:51:58 PM] Jimmy: tmblr [4/5/17, 9:52:00 PM] aub: stop [4/5/17, 9:52:06 PM] Jimmy: Tmblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:08 PM] aub: i was gonna say that [4/5/17, 9:52:13 PM] Jimmy: Tumblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:52 PM] Jimmy: r u okay my manz [4/5/17, 9:53:21 PM] Jimmy: it's no good to think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:29 PM] aub: i always think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:32 PM] aub: im just giving u examples [4/5/17, 9:53:36 PM] Jimmy: I know [4/5/17, 9:53:44 PM] Jimmy: what is bothering u [4/5/17, 9:54:01 PM] aub: is that a question or statement :0 [4/5/17, 9:54:16 PM] Jimmy: Both c: [4/5/17, 9:54:45 PM] aub: care // temporex [4/5/17, 9:54:56 PM] aub: “i must be talking to a wall” is my favorite line [4/5/17, 9:56:32 PM] aub: and uh [4/5/17, 9:56:48 PM] aub: idk man [4/5/17, 9:56:58 PM] aub: ive talked to u abt it before but [4/5/17, 9:57:24 PM] aub: it's hard to articulate [4/5/17, 9:59:13 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:59:16 PM] aub: im gonna do this [4/5/17, 9:59:19 PM] aub: but not on twittee [4/5/17, 10:00:00 PM] aub: my sex life is a lot of personal stuff out and grow up to be a one on one of the only thing that was my first time having sex was in a hotel room with my abuser in the summer of my fav flowers [4/5/17, 10:00:03 PM] aub: fuck [4/5/17, 10:00:23 PM] aub: ...... [4/5/17, 10:00:37 PM] aub: i need to sit down [4/5/17, 10:16:02 PM] aub: jimmy [4/5/17, 10:16:05 PM] aub: im in love with myself