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enderwoah · 8 months

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im so unwell about q!pac no its not even funny anymore i need to put him in a terrarium up on a shelf and keep him safe up there. he doesn't deserve any bad thing, ever. i don't even care about "having a good story" or "giving your character a conflict" anymore, nah, no, if ONE (1) MORE BAD THING HAPPENS TO HIM IM GONNA LOSE IT!! IM GONNA START BREAKING THINGS!!!

he's so. sad. hes such a sad character. his insecurities about being useless to everyone are so real and so painful because he's not, all of us know that he's not, but we also completely understand why he feels that way because he's had everyone he loves ripped away from him and he hasn't been able to lift a finger to stop any of it. he's just left to sit in the ruins without any help. he's collateral to all the tragedy surrounding him and the favela 5 in general and he's. tired. not in the way that cellbit is tired (though that works, too). he's exhausted of feeling sad all the time. of crying all the time. of feeling that loneliness that gnaws holes into his bones and settles in the marrow and never leaves, not when richas' bed is empty, not when mike's bedroom has started to collect dust, not when he can't see a real, tangible presence in forever's dilated eyes. the only person he has is cellbit, and he could never ask cellbit to give up what he still has when pac has nothing to lose (and god, how selfless, how kind is that?), so when he figures the only way to get an antidote to the drug is to have the drug itself, why wouldn't he offer himself up? and if that wasn't the only reason he tried to get his hands on it, who could blame him?

maybe he took it first to just feel the effects and understand the angle it took in affecting his mind. maybe he just took it for research. do you think he had slipped by the second time? do you think he took it once and, for a short thirty minutes, found that he could forget about all the sorrow lining his lungs and breathe? do you think reality crashed back onto him after that first try? do you think he was scrambling to take it again, to go back to that...maybe it wasn't blissful ignorance, per se, but willful disregard? do you think he couldn't wait to be submerged so deep that he couldn't think one more time? do you think he was hesitant? do you think he kept promising himself, one more, one more, one more...

god he is so. so sad. i was watching phil's pov, so everything was like a neat little movie for me, and just. cellbit and forever arguing while pac was just sobbing in the background was AWFUL. just. awful. it hurt. (cc!pac was damn good at acting, too, and that DID NOT HELP.) the moment he stepped on the trap i felt like i was hit with a brick. like no, of COURSE we should NOT be putting PAC in a CONFINED JAIL CELL. ALONE. and i know it was for his own good but i still felt so so so sick. the way he immediately curled up in the corner. the way he was crying to himself. the way he instantly answered richas' birthday the moment bad asked for it. the way he got visibly more upset and terrified when cellbit started shouting at forever. what the hell. no seriously what the HELL.

and, like, oh my god, making him the one to solve the antidote? proving that even though he may have fallen to the drug (the drug which was basically created by GODS, by the way, lets be real, the federation is nawt normal), he's still so useful. he's still such an asset. he's smart and he's kind and he's charismatic and he's trusting and he's so so selfless and so so brave and so strong. tubbo put it perfectly. the fact that he's gone through all the horrible awful stuff he's gone through and he's still standing just proves how capable he is. how tough he is. cellbit calling him "my dear." pointing out the fact that he sacrificed himself without knowing he was going to come back. "i'm only afraid of being sad again." "you will be sad again. but you won't be alone." he's so. he's just. he's. im frothing at the mouth. he gave himself up to save the rest of the island from this plague that took one of his best friends and might've taken the entire island if he didn't do anything. under that stress. experiencing that level of loss.

pac is one of the toughest goddamn people on the island and if anyone on that server even dares try to imply otherwise i will do heinous heinous things, mark my WORDS.

#writing a post about q!pac isn't enough i need to inject his character directly into my bloodstream (risus-core)#pactw #pac tazercraft #qsmp #qsmp spoilers #cellbit #qsmp richarlyson #forever #mikethelink #mike tazercraft #god he makes me insane #myyyy baby myy baby #you're my baby say it to me #myyyyy baby mmyyyy baaaaabyyy #tell your baby that iiiim youuur baaaabyyy #iiiiii bet on looosinggg doggsss <- going insane #its him he's the losing dog #drug abuse

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lavenderhoneytarotco · 8 months

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✨Pick a Pile Reading🔮✨

What do you need to hear right now? What has been Spirit been trying to tell you? What have you been ignoring?

(from left to right)

Look at the images above, take a moment and feel which one resonates with you the most. That is your pile!

Ready? Here we go!

Pile One:

- VIII of Swords (Reversed)

- III of Cups (Reversed)

- VI of Wands (Reversed)

- VII of Swords

You have more power than you think you do in the situation that you find yourself in currently. In fact, much of your troubles could be that of your own making, due to overindulgence (because there is such a thing as too much of a good thing) or it’s more so your own fears and anxieties clouding your vision of reality. Reclaim your personal power, and most importantly enjoy your freedom! There is an energy of feeling left out and underappreciated or even disrespected for this group, by a partner or a group of friends. They may have lost interest and it’s causing issues involving loyalty. There could be gossip with a friend group, or an unfaithful partner. Or you could be the unfaithful partner. Either way, what spirit is trying to say is that you may be ignoring the fact that you have more control of the situation than you believe that you do. Maybe it’s time to be alone, reevaluate your friendships and relationships. Do they empower you? Or do they make you feel restrained? Are you doing things for validation? Spirit has been trying to tell you that maybe it’s time for some independence. Learn how to trust yourself, learn how to take care of your own needs. But you must move on from the situation that you are currently in. However, don’t do this rashly as it seems the situation is tense, and your actions could cause waves right now if not thought through entirely. Gather your information, put together a plan to move forward, and keep it close to the chest. People may not be expecting much out of you in this situation. Use this to your advantage when you make your move as they may not see it coming. Try to confront your fears and anxieties, you are capable of it, and once you do, you’ll be able to see your situation more clearly. Examine your need for validation? Is that what’s gotten you in this situation and others? Are you doing/saying things because of others' expectations? It’s time to start living for yourself. Embrace Independence.

Real Talk: This is about cheating, or a friend group being messy and you needing to get the hell out of Dodge. You’ve got to be independent bestie! The friendship and/or relationship that you are in currently is not serving you. You’re not being true to yourself. Could be doing things just for validation. Live for yourself! Measure success, the way you see fit. Not by how others do. Someone, you or a partner is being unfaithful. If it’s your partner, gather your evidence, don’t say a word, and then leave his/her/their ass! Leave with a bang, with that Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats.mp3 energy. And if it’s you that’s been having a wandering eye, leave. You want to be single. You want your independence, so take it! You're not trapped in a relationship, or friendship. Nothing is really holding you back, but yourself at this point. You can walk away! You just have to want better for yourself. And when you do make the change, expect some waves. Because people aren’t expecting much from you. To be frank, they may see less of you, and don’t think you’ll stand up for yourself. Show them otherwise!

Song to Inspire: Stand Down by Little Mix

Pile Two:

- IX of Pentacles

- The Emperor

- V of Cups (Reversed)

- VIII of Swords (Reversed)

For this group, there is a feeling of loneliness, and almost disappointment. You’ve accomplished something that you’ve been working hard to get towards, maybe even sacrificing some comfort or peace to get there. And now you may be questioning whether or not it was all worth it, as you may feel lonely. But how you view your situation is up to you! Surround yourself with positivity right now, maybe reach out to a friend. Or be open to an old friend, (or even lover) coming back into your life. Give them a chance! Things are different now. You have grown, you’re becoming your own person as you establish yourself in this world, and now is a perfect time to set aside and work through old misunderstandings and hurt feelings, as you can think through things with a rational mind right now. Don’t let others make you feel guilt or shame for your accomplishments either. You’ve worked hard! You made the sacrifices. Now it’s time to do some self-indulgence (in moderation of course) and some self care! One theme that seems pretty strong here as well is that of giving yourself some grace. See your mistakes as something to help you grow, rather than things that define who you are.

Real Talk: Girlie pop, it’s time to take a deep breath, and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Relax babes! Yes, be responsible, of course. No, don’t do anything out of character. But you need to let loose. Let your hair down. It’s time to stop putting restrictions on yourself. You’ve done that long enough, to get to where you need to be, and now that you are here it’s time to let go of some things as they may not serve you any longer. Allow yourself to grow, and evolve.

Song to Inspire: Fly Girl by FLO (feat. Missy Elliot)

Pile Three:

- Page of Cups (Reversed)

- V of Swords

- III of Swords

- II of Wands (Reversed)

The energy is tense in this group. It’s a situation where you are both a victim and also a perpetrator of your own demise. There seems to be a lot of self - destructive behaviors happening. It may be time to set aside your pride, admit your wrongs and limitations and apologize, or ask for forgiveness. It’s time to do some self reflection, examine your insecurities. Once you know them, you’ll be able to decipher if and when your feelings are proportionate to reality. That being said, You have been ignoring your intuition about something or someone and it’s only doing you harm. There is someone around you that does not deserve your trust at the moment. In fact there could be a relationship/friendship with someone that you are looking to bring to a close. If this is the case it’s crucial that you watch your approach, think about how you end things, you don’t want to burn bridges. Think of the consequences and plan accordingly. There is also a sense of clinging onto power. Or a power struggle of some kind, between you and someone else, maybe let it go. It’s a burden that you don’t need. What you need is to heal.

Real Talk: Girl….leave that man. I’m going to be honest this is giving love reading and it’s giving a very toxic relationship. Or a friendship. But like I said you already know its bad. You’re being delu-lu babes! Cut it out! You need to be realistic okay, admit your wrongs, apologize and fucking heal! You need to, and deep down you want to. You have an idea as to what causes you to act the way you do, what your triggers are, but you’ve been actively sabotaging yourself. You're not living up to your full potential, and because you're living in delu-lu land, you don’t even realize that there is someone around you that doesn’t deserve your trust.

Song to Inspire: Not My Job by FLO

#pick a pile #pick a photo #pick a picture #pick a card #pick an image #tarot #tarot cards #tarot reading #witchblr #tarot witch #tarotonline #tarot readings #tarotscope #tarotblr #tarot blog

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emanation-aura · 7 months

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joker palace fic. im in love with your writing. please share some with us

Oh my god anon I'm so happy you asked!! I made some fantastic progress recently so I'm definitely going to talk about it now

So actually I have. um. two Joker Palace fics. One of them is based in the third semester and is basically what I talked about in this post: in short, due to some Wild Card Bullshit™️, instead of living in Maruki's altered reality in third semester, Joker actually forms a Palace as a cognitive defence and basically it becomes Goro and Sumi's job to get him out (like Maruki, he physically resides in it).

The other one is a post-game Palace au, where Joker forms a Palace out of the stress and debilitating isolation of prison. This one is the one I've been working the most on and it's at 11k words and counting— when I'm not even close to finishing it!! I'm having so much fun with it so I guess I'll talk about this one.

He thinks about the past year a lot. About the Metaverse, discovering it with Ryuji by accident, that terrifyingly free moment when he ripped Arsene from his face and felt as if he could challenge the world itself, and proceeded to do exactly that. About Personas and the Velvet Room (he tries dreaming for Lavenza, but if she exists and can hear him, she makes no reply,) and the final chains breaking under his command, all the anger and hatred burning off Arsene in waves of blue flame morphed into physical form: the cold, immovable steel of Satanael. He thinks about how the unyielding heart of Satanael, a strength unto its own, had slowly melted in the face of a perfect reality. How Maruki’s lies had snared everyone but him, and that unique, awful loneliness melting the devil’s limitless island of strength into Raoul, the trickster just as capable as Arsene but acting under no name but his own. How the truth and free will, his own real self, triumphed over the benevolent lies of yet another false god.

This Palace AU revolves heavily around the theming of first, second, and third-tier Personas (mostly Joker and Goro's). Like, we all know the pattern to the Persona awakenings in P5R, right— trickster-god-true self. Raoul is the original name of Arsene Lupin in Maurice Leblanc's series (btw did you know I actually bought The Adventures of Arsene Lupin, Gentleman Thief kinda for this fic), Hereward is the historical figures whose exploits inspired the tales of Robin Hood, etc. And like.

The Palace Joker has in this fic is a prison. But unlike the Velvet Room, it's not a prison where Joker is trapped; in fact, Cognitive Joker is the ruler of the Palace, and instead the stuff being locked away is memories. It takes the kinda passive/wallflower nature Joker has in the Confidant interactions to something more extreme: because Joker has literally nothing to do in prison but be trapped in his own head thinking, he starts categorising and compartmentalising his memories of the past year, wounds and traumas that are still fresh and raw.

And the crux is that he doesn't want to face his trauma. He locks away all his memories of the interrogation, of police brutality and being arrested and being deleted by Yaldabaoth out of existence... and most importantly, Akechi.

He had once said that Akira never allowed himself to be enslaved by things like human relations or past selves, leaving his heart forever free, but now Akira’s locked in juvie with nothing but his own misery for company, he thinks that’s wrong. The Velvet Room, taking after the shape of his heart was a prison, after all, and after that he’s simply traded one prison for another. (One might say that only the flesh remains imprisoned while the mind and heart remain forever free, but solitary confinement is a unique hell precisely because its containment reaches far beyond the flesh alone.)

So to tie these two tangents together, Cognitive Joker is the ruler of the prison Palace where he locks away his most painful memories, serving as a guardian/warden. The thing is, Cognitive Joker's true form is actually just Raoul.

Raoul is Joker's 'true self', but Joker's 'true self' has morphed in solitary confinement.

(Tighten the perimeter! It roars, golden mechanical wings spouting from its back, vivid red and gold trim dotting its jacket. Lock everything up. I will deal with him. There is no mask over its face, nor does there need to be. This is his true self: the lord of a fortress, the guardkeeper of a prison— the real occupation of gentleman thief, hoarding his hard-earned treasures.)

Instead of being a heart of a phantom thief willing to stand up to reality, Raoul has come to represent the worst side of a gentleman thief: hoarding his treasures (memories) and never letting them show. Hiding his trauma, even, from himself, just to try and convince himself that he's ok.

This has most been me rambling about the workings of this fic from behind the scenes, so anon, I'll treat you to two nice long passages now: the first one is the delivery of the calling card, and the second one is when Goro confronts Cognitive Joker— because this is also a shuake fic, by the way, although no actual romance happens yet beyond homoerotically beating the manifestation of your rival's heart to death and saving his soul from despair. Goro is the one to infiltrate the Palace (thanks to some intervention by Lavenza) and learn about all of the absolutely horrifying shit happening in Joker's mind.

(Continues on from right after the snippet in this post.)

Finally, Maruki speaks, jolting Akira out of his stupor. “Kurusu-kun… to tell you the truth, I didn’t plan on visiting you at all. I thought it would be better if I kept away from all of you, after causing you guys a great deal of hurt. I still intend to stay away, but—” Maruki pushes his glasses up, the reflective sheen hiding the strange, intense quality in his eyes. He reaches for his jacket pocket, pulling out an envelope. “Someone asked me to come today— I can’t tell you who, but they asked me to deliver something.” Akira’s breath catches, and his eyes dart to the invisible looking-glass that the security guards must be looking through. He’s not been allowed any communication from outside (either that, or he hasn’t received any, but he tries not to think about that). But Maruki catches his glance and shakes his head, in that soft, disappointed way he had shaken his head back when he carried Sumire in his arms and drove her Persona berserk. “It’s been cleared,” he says, still ever so soft. His fingers fumble, but he slides it under the glass partition like an immigration officer returning his passport. “And, before you read it… I understand you may be angry with me, which is fine. The important thing is that you read it and understand what it means.” He picks up the envelope with a curious hum, eyes hovering uncertainly around Maruki’s tense figure, a nervousness that is visible to him the same way bloodhounds pick up scent. Whatever it is, the therapist expects him to be angry, and will allow him. Short of a letter from— Akira wrenches the door shut, but the fading impression of brown hair and a thrown glove lingers anyway— short of him, nothing else could possibly faze him. Akira opens the envelope. Slips the small, black-and-red card out in one move. Flips it over— wrong, he seems. Flinches, at the words written there. I have not ever written one of these, and as such, find myself at a loss. I have no theatrics to demonstrate, no declaration of war, no enmity, even. Thus, I will simply state what happens next. Akira Kurusu, you have lost yourself in a fortress of loneliness, even going so far as to suppress yourself for the sake of others. You may call it protection and name it your guard, but that doesn’t change its essential nature: a prison of your own creation. Twice, now, has your heart been a prison. No more. I will steal your distorted desires without fail. No signature. Akira drops the card. Stands up suddenly, not even registering the sharp, panicked breaths he’s taking. Distantly, the blob of maroon in front of him stands up as well, saying something he can’t hear. No. Not possible. He cannot— he is (was?) a Persona user. He simply cannot have a Palace. Raoul screeches, long and loud, in his head. It used to be a deep, bellowing comfort, drowning out the silence in his head with a hearty laugh that wrapped around him like stage curtains, enveloping him in its warmth. Now it just sounds unhinged— the scream of a bat or the lone howl of a wolf, pounding through his skull with the force of a gunshot. No! It screams, pitched lower and deeper yet strangely similar to his own voice. When he closes his eyes, it’s not Raoul there but himself, with glowing, yellow eyes. The one person we allowed in— to betray us like this, not again! Throw him out, throw them all out! “...Kurusu-kun! Please, say something! I know it’s a great shock, so please try to calm down—” Akira’s eyes snap open. The world slots back into focus, colours swimming back to their original places. Maruki stares, eyes wide with stress. He can’t think. He can’t even feel. All he was and will ever be shrinks down into this point in time, crushing him under its immense weight. “I’ve heard the calling,” he says quietly. Any louder, and his voice will break. “And I understand what it means. Please leave now, Maruki.”

And for when Goro confronts Cognitive Akira/Raoul:

“You’re not Akira,” Goro states dumbly. He’d known, of course, that Cognitive Akira was not the real one— but it had the real one’s face and mannerisms, however foreign it had been. This, though… “You’re his Persona, Raoul.” “I am thou, and thou art I,” Raoul recites, punching a hole through Goro’s tattered heart. Goro had only seen Raoul once: in the final battle against Maruki, merciless curse damage and powerful sleep magic forming a potent combination against Azathoth. He’d assumed that Raoul was a new Persona Akira had fused, a powerful addition to Yoshitsune and Attis and the likes he’d brought to the battle. Yet… If this is the form Akira’s Palace Ruler takes, it can’t be just any old Shadow he picked up from the sea of collective unconsciousness. “Are you surprised, General of the Wake?” Raoul smirks, leaning back a little. He’s floating off the ground now, lounging on the air. “A phantom thief needs a place to hoard his treasures, for the hearts he steals cannot be treated like regular old trinkets.” Hereward rears his head, sensing his name. Goro thinks back to Hereward’s namesake— an ancient nobleman and leader of a resistance movement, nicknamed “Hereward the Wake”, whose exploits may have inspired the tale of Robin Hood. Raoul recognises not Loki, who he used for the longest, nor Robin, whom he had first, but Hereward— fancifully, neither a masked hero of justice nor a god, but just a man. The name comes to him easily. Goro read Sherlock Holmes in the run-up to his public deceit as Detective Prince, and thus, he also knows of its rival. “Arsene,” he says. It makes a terrible, hilarious amount of sense: who better to lead the Phantom Thieves than the quintessential phantom thief himself? “Arsene Raoul Lupin.” “Bravo,” Raoul claps, crimson eyes twinkling with blue flame. “Praise be to my rival, who has never failed to see through me. Yes, I am the gentleman thief of old, the one who took up the mantle of Arsene Lupin, master of a thousand faces, whose actions constitute my identity sufficiently*: Monsieur Raoul.” Goro pictures the original awakening, the blood pouring from Akira’s eyes. That blue-flamed trickster behind him, bursting with energy. Arsene Lupin. “I did not wish it to come to this,” Raoul says, his hands gesturing to the red flashing alarms at the complex. “Truly, mon corbeau. The gentleman thief keeps many secrets, but conversely, it is the detective on his heels who sees them all, not any of his closest acquaintances. That is why me and I have let you in, time and time again. Yet you end up betraying our trust to the very end. Let it be said that these precautions—” Raoul waves at the prison at large, demonic eyes wide with a sad kind of triumph— “have come to fruition at last.”

Goro flinches. He thinks about putting a bullet through Akira’s brain. The splatter, even though it had never been real. About reporting to Shido with glee that the Phantom Thieves were well on their way to falling into his trap, then going to Leblanc and playing chess with Akira, talking about Hegel and antithesis over rapidly-cooling cups of coffee. The deceit of Robin Hood and the truth of Loki. He has betrayed Akira. And while he’s been valiantly avoiding thinking about the boy ever since he woke up, the Palace— it has forced him to grapple with it. He cannot say he regrets his betrayal, nor can he say he enjoyed it, or felt it was necessary. Those things mattered to the Goro of the past, but not to him now, because— because— Because he lives with his sins every day. Wears them on his sleeve, because everyone else must know the true him before deciding whether to engage or not. He will not bend to their standards of social grace— you will live as yourself, sins and all, forever, Hereward says. It is not atonement nor punishment. It is your path to walk. This is still a realm of distorted desires, Goro reminds himself. He cannot start believing in the distorted rhetoric of the Palace Ruler. “It is still a prison,” Goro says calmly, perhaps the calmest he’s ever been since waking up in the god-forsaken place. “You think you are protecting yourself from the horrors of the world, from betrayal, from pain. But you are only locking it away so that you do not have to deal with it. You are not primarily protecting yourself from others— though I should think some part of that is true. No, you are trying to protect you from yourself.” Thinks of Maruki’s text. Done. Akira was defensive and cynical. Shocked by the calling card. Speaking as someone who’s been in contact with many traumatised teens over the past years… trying very hard to compartmentalise his pain, too. Raoul recoils, eye-like slits narrowing into a sliver of crimson. But Goro has already found the truth, written in video tapes of the “interrogation” and the partition falling on the engine room. This Persona might be Akira’s true self, not the invincible anonymity of Arsene Lupin, phantom thief, but it has distorted itself into a man chained to the prison of his heart, locking away pain and tragedy to fool himself into strength. Simply another mask, but not one aimed outwards. A mask placed over his soul in the hopes of fooling himself. “I know how this goes,” Goro says cockily, refusing to draw out the philosophical tangent, drawing his sabre. Raoul raises an eyebrow, or what passes for one on his face, and magic curls under his metallic talons. “You won’t go down without a fight.” “Indeed, detective.” Raoul sighs, languid and calm— like Akira, right before an ambush. “A thief cannot avoid confrontation forever. It is time, then, to use martial prowess to settle what trickery cannot.” Goro grins. This— this is familiar ground. This is adrenaline running through his veins, Loki’s enthusiastic bloodlust rippling into existence; the mask materialising over his features, the desire to rip, tear, kill. This is the same feeling their duel had evoked all that time ago, turned up to eleven. Truly, a no-holds-barred fight against the distorted ruler of Akira’s heart? The part of him that misses combat revels in this. (The part of him that played chess with Akira in Leblanc mourns it— not the battle, exactly, but the loss of what made him Akira.) Novel battles call for new tactics. Pressing a hand against his mask, Goro’s first command is not Loki, but— “Hereward! REBELLION BLADE!”

*whose actions constitute my identity sufficiently is specifically taken from Maurice Leblanc's tales on Arsene Lupin, where Lupin says:

"Why should I have a definite, fixed appearance? Why not avoid the dangers attendant upon a personality that is always the same? My actions constitute my identity sufficiently. [...] It is all the better if people are never able to say with certainty, 'There goes Arsene Lupin.' The great thing is that they should say, without fear of being mistaken, 'That action was performed by Arsene Lupin.' "

By the way, to any other writers of Joker Palace AUs out there using themes of masquerade/masks/theatre, with Joker represented as a person who has lost his identity by being a social butterfly and putting on 'masks' for other people: rock on!!!! That's literally exactly what the theme around Arsene Lupin is!!! He literally says "I myself have forgotten what I am really like; I no longer recognise myself in a glass" in the tales!!

Anyway. Yeah.

Here's your food, anon! Hope you enjoy. I plan on publishing this fic for Whumptober (if I finish it in time, haha), so keep an eye out for it then!

PS. if you want to read about the Third Sem Palace AU you'll have to give me some inspo, cause I'm a lil stuck >.>

#persona 5 #persona 5 royal #persona 5 joker #goro akechi #akira kurusu #shuake #fic writing

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drivinmeinsane · 18 days

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I saw that Sebastian/Jacob is being established as a pairing in the fandom. What are your thoughts on them?

I think that they are a perfectly fine ship! I can see how it could appeal to quite a few people. It certainly has merit and all the trappings of being something substantial.

My personal feelings on the pairing are neutrally aligned because La La Land and Crazy, Stupid, Love did not particularly speak to me, and I find the characters of Jacob Palmer and Sebastian Wilder to be... uncompelling. Due to the lackluster feelings on my end, I don’t believe that they are a pairing I would write more than a (requested) drabble or Goosemas one-shot for.

That being said, you did ask for my thoughts on them rather than my opinions. I consider those to be separate things, so let’s get into those thoughts. Warning for incoming rambling under the cut.

Starting with Jacob;

As the movie shows us, he is an incredibly lonely individual, cripplingly so. He can barely function on his own. Jacob seeks to fill the void in his life anything that can be even a temporary balm on the wound. He tells us, via Hannah, that he got addicted to shopping channels. The rush caused by the act of purchasing material goods gave him a high, a distraction, something to focus on other than his reality. Eventually, he turned to picking up people at bar(s) when the dopamine rush was no longer enough and he realized that obtaining physical things didn’t lead to any meaningful sense of accomplishment. The alcohol he drinks loosens him up, numbs every negative emotion into something bearable. It allows him to believe that he can feel loved, wanted. If he drinks right to the edge of overdoing it, the hurt of his bed partners leaving will be less. Besides, it’s just a one-night stand, he doesn’t do relationships so the taste of having something real will not be ruined when it inevitably ends. The heartbreak is less. It is something manageable this way. He’s soaked in insecurity and covers it up with bravado. He’s all flash and no substance. His clothes, his house, his mannerisms, and his life all reflect the notion of what the ideal man is in his own mind. We see this image in the way he molds Cal into the “perfect” specimen.

Moving onto Sebastian;

We’re told time and time again that Seb is a dreamer. He is a romantic, always looking to the stars and ignoring his reality. All of that comes crashing down on him with impact of the wrecking ball that is Mia. He set aside his own dreams for a dose of reality and came out of it successful but alone. We never get to see how that loneliness affects him post-relationship, but I imagine there is a renewed hole in his life that he once again tries to fill with jazz. After all, at the start of the movie his sister was worried about him and wanted him to date. He likely does not do well on his own and adsorbs himself in his obsessions, neglecting himself in the process. He changed his entire life for the sake of someone else, regardless if it was wanted or not. His fatal flaw is that he assumes that he knows what is best for everyone and everything. He is stubborn in that way, sensitive to criticism. However, even past his breaking point, he regathers himself and apologizes and shows support. Enthusiasm comes easily to him. He is affected by emotions, overflowing with them. Love and light explode from within him when it comes to the things that he is passionate about. Anger rise escape just as easily. He can either consume or let his light be snuffed out. He would allow himself be molded if it was done by someone he loved. We have seen it before.

Together;

Jacob is in need of someone that carries the sheer exuberance of the relationship. Seb needs someone who will adore his eccentricities. They both need someone who will stick around. Both men are supportive and needy, loyal to a fault. They both crave reassurance due to the internalized insecurities they are plagued by. They are both stubborn in their own ways. The world could be crumbling around them and, yet, they would not be swayed from what they really care about. Ideally, I think that Sebastian's quirks would relax some of the strain Jacob feels to be perfect. Jazz is messy and wild, it's never the same. It is a contrast to the sterility of canned piano and a home straight out of a minimalist magazine. I think that Jacob in return would be able to tame Sebastian, to reel in some of that impulsive nature. Like a pair of scales, they could balance each other out. Give and take. Neither would be able to eclipse the other. Their relationship would have to contain considerable amounts of trust from both parties. Jacob would have to trust Sebastian to not get too lost in his love for jazz and believe that he would always come back to him no matter how far away his might career take him. Sebastian would have to have faith that Jacob wouldn't wander away to take up with someone more socially acceptable and that he truly is content with him.

#la la land (2016)#sebastian wilder #crazy stupid love (2011)#jacob palmer #sebastian wilder x jacob palmer #.from you #.my thoughts

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asukamood · 8 months

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Awakening (fmaa2)

***

TW: Attempted murder, defenestration, strong language

Direct continuation of Loneliness and Longing

***

It was a Saturday evening when Blue and Nightmare ran into each other at the hospital where Dream was being treated. Well, perhaps ‘ran into each other’ might not actually be entirely accurate. They just found themselves in Dream’s room at the same time.

Neither of them seemed surprised at the other’s presence, despite never having seen each other until now, they knew they were both extremely worried about Dream’s prolonged absence and have been visiting him as often as they could.

Both of their attention turned toward the bed as fast as it was diverted. Today again, the heart of their concern was still lying completely motionless on the piece of furniture, eyes closed and breathing calm as his heartbeat was being drawn in real time by the green machine standing proudly next to him.

It has officially been ten months since Dream had been shot, both of them starting to lose hope on the man ever waking up.

Blue’s heart seemed to screech in his chest at the thought, hitting the cage of bones it was trapped in with as much force as possible. The latter tried to make the thought disappear by shaking his head, reminding himself that Dream hadn’t been planning to die and wouldn’t let himself be dragged into the underworld so easily.

Perhaps, it was a silly reason to believe he would open his eyes but who was going to judge him?

He began to lightly scratch at his arms, ignoring how it reopened some wounds in the process as he stared at Dream’s face with intensity, looking for any twitch, any change in expression.

There was none, Blue fought back the urge to bang his head against the wall.

As he was busy controlling his frustration and despair, Nightmare had moved closer to the bed and replaced a few strands of Dream’s hair that fell onto his face due to the open window from his side. His fingertips grazed at his forehead, his eyes narrowing.

He could hide it all he wanted, he really missed Dream and there was no changing that until he would wake up. “Don’t forget that you promised we wouldn’t ever leave each other.” He let out in a hushed tone, as if speaking to his friend only. He didn’t quite know what pushed him to mention such a vague memory of their younger selves pinky promising such a silly thing but it felt… right, comforting he might dare even say.

He didn’t know if Dream could hear him but as he always said, innocent until proven guilty. He would keep believing he could as long as nobody was able to present him with arguments that it was false.

He reluctantly brought his hand back to his body, letting the limb fall back on his sides. He glanced at the setting sun from the window, briefly admiring how its light faded into an orange hue before leaving for the impatient night. Already, the moon was showing its nose as a faded figure in the distance.

When he first got into the room, the sun had been looking down on the nation high up in the sky, had he been standing there all this time? If so, it was no wonder he felt so rooted to the ground. His gaze turned toward the clock on the wall.

“Visiting hours are almost over.” He remarked aloud, startling Blue. Once the words were processed, Blue looked up toward the clock as well and nodded, confirming what he just said.

“Time sure passes fast.” His eyes returned to gluing themselves on Dream’s figure. “I don’t want to leave.”

Nightmare sighed, dropping back onto the chair he had been sitting on for the past while. Unlike Blue, he decided to divert his gaze, knowing that if he were to look at him just a second more then he would be unable to leave. “I don’t want to either.”

Silence fell into the room.

Blue suddenly froze, letting out a surprised squeak that startled Nightmare so bad he flinched. The latter raised an eyebrow at him, Blue vaguely hearing him asking what was wrong.

However, he couldn’t get himself to look back at him, his widened eyes even more glued to Dream than they were before.

A twitch.

He saw his eyebrow twitch.

He held his breath, refusing to even blink as he analyzed every single one of his features in search for another anomaly, a sign to tell him he didn’t just hallucinate that and a proof that he wasn’t absolutely losing his mind.

Even Nightmare seemed freaked out by his silence, repeating his question slightly louder, wondering if he should call a nurse in.

Just as Blue was about to conclude he was in fact losing it for good, Dream’s whole face changed expression before a muted groan escaped him. That was definitely not a hallucination, Nightmare having reacted to the noise as well and breaking his vow not to look at him anymore.

“Dream?” Nightmare called with a higher pitch than his usual voice, sounding close to tears. And he was, if the burning at the side of his eyes were anything to go by.

Said one’s hand twitched at the name, his golden eyes appearing into view as his eyelids opened for the first time in ten mouths. His eyes were still half-lidded and his entire being showing how dazed he was but neither really cared about that, more focusing on the fact that he was finally awake.

“Hhh?” A noise left him as his gaze met Blue’s, then Nightmare’s. “What…?”

He blinked a few times before yelping as both of them almost launched themselves at him, however they did not have the opportunity to do much else as a nurse suddenly barged into the room, eyes icy as she told them visiting hours were over.

Dream looked as confused as ever as both men refused to go categorically. It went to the point where the nurse had to go get security to force the two out, much to their anger and dismay.

However, waiting until tomorrow to see Dream was in none of the two’s plans.

It just so happened that this decision ended up saving his life.

***

“I don’t suppose I should be surprised to see you here.” Nightmare rolled his eyes at Blue after the comment left his mouth, scoffing.

“Well duh, I haven’t seen Dream in ages. I'm not going to wait an entire night because a terrifyingly dense nurse didn’t want me to stay.” He crossed one of his arms around himself, letting his arm carrying his broken wrist rest on his side. “But why are you here? I didn’t take you for the type to break rules.”

It was Blue’s turn to cross his arms, glancing at the nearby areas to see if anybody was coming. The coast was clear, he hadn't seen any security guard for a while, which was weird. Where were they all? “For the same reason as you are.” He replied, staring up at the window behind which their reason to be here so late at night was most probably resting.

“But you do have a point, I usually do not like concentrating negative attention by breaking rules and the like.” He turned back to look at the lavender eyes that have been studying him in quiet judgment. “However, I’m not above trespassing some rules if I deem it necessary.”

“I see… Well, you’re free to come with me then.” Nightmare began to turn away, or well, that was until movement at the window was caught by the corner of his eyes. “What the hell?” He hissed, squinting into the darkness. “Who the hell is this? You can’t tell me that’s a doctor.”

Blue looked up to the window and spotted a person hunched over Dream’s bed. Nightmare was right, they did not look like a doctor in the slightest. First, they were lacking the usual coat people of this career usually wore. To make matters worse, the feeling of deja vu that Blue was experiencing couldn’t be a good sign.

Like Nightmare he squinted, trying to determine any relevant features that could help him recognize the person. Dark hair, green eyes, light spot near the eye? Oh, that was a scar.

Wait.

Blue froze, the colors draining from his face as his breath hitched.

Of course, he looked familiar, how could he forget the face of the one who got Dream in coma in the first place? He turned toward the other in panic…

“Nightmare, that’s–” … Only to find an empty spot where Nightmare’s silhouette used to loom over. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion before he looked up to the window once again, just in time to see the short man yanking the stalker back by the elbow.

***

The moment Nightmare spotted him, his entire being has been sending the alarms to get the adrenaline going. Even if he didn’t have any clue on who the fuck that person was, something at the back of his mind had warned him that whatever they were up to, couldn’t be a good thing.

Besides, he had just gotten his best friend back, he was going to lose him again because a fucker had decided that for one reason or another they needed to get rid of him for good.

When he had stepped into the room, he made sure to be as silent as possible to avoid scaring off that person before he could have a chance at making him talk. He was faced with their back.

As he walked closer, he could hear their voice muttering curses under their breath, seemingly blaming Dream for ‘ruining’ something. Nightmare briefly thanked whichever part of him decided to follow that gut feeling that this guy wasn’t up to anything good.

He gazed over at the bed and his eyes widened at the sight of a syringe.

Poison.

Unable to stay still anymore, Nightmare stepped even closer than before, grabbing their elbow with his intact hand and pulling them back. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” He yelled at them as he pushed them toward the window, their back colliding with the glass wall loudly. His scream and the noise startled Dream awake, the latter blinking in confusion as his gaze swept over the room.

Seeing that the target had been woken up, the unknown person sent a death glare at Nightmare, shouting that it was none of his business. Then they sprinted toward him, their hand curled into a fist as they tried to swing at the man.

Unluckily for them, Nightmare’s strength that only works once every decade decided to trigger itself, giving him the opportunity to dodge the punch… and shove them out of the open window.

The mysterious attacker’s eyes widened as they fell, the distance between them and the ground decreasing with every moment that passed. The wind howled around them, their mouth opening wide to let out the most chilling scream of terror that most would have heard in their lifetimes.

A loud thud was heard as their body crashed into the ground.

Nightmare’s own facial features were expressing his bewilderment and confusion, pupils locked onto the open window. Since when was it open?

He turned around, only to see Blue’s own shocked expression. Though, it quickly morphed into a nervous smile as he met Nightmare’s gaze. “Oops?” Ah, Blue must have climbed into the room by the window and was too focused on getting away from the fight scene to remember to close the window shut.

Well, it actually wasn’t that bad in his opinion. He was planning to throw that person out of the window once they were knocked out after all, he guessed that the inevitable just happened sooner than expected.

“W…What…” He froze. Ah shit, he completely forgot that Dream had woken up and had probably seen them fall. Unlike him, Dream was bound not to approve of that turn of events. He turned toward him with the most innocent face he could muster, lavender eyes locking onto trembling golden ones. “is goiNG ON?”

Oh boy.

#dreamswap #ds dream #angst #fluff #ship #ds blue #drueswap #ds dreamberry #ds drue #ds drueswap #ds nightmare #dreamswap dream #dreamswap blue #dreamswap nightmare #fmaa2

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twothpaste · 1 year

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Thoughts about Porky?

my thoughts on porky are such a vast tangled web of forever spaghetti that i'm not even sure where to begin or what to pin down. the premise of a tormented child ascending to near-godhood out of sheer misanthropic spite towards the whole wide world makes my brain do backflips like a sea world dolphin. i'll ramble a bit about him.

he's ness' foil. just two chubby kids who probably grew up with their (un)fair share of bullying. the only thing distinguishing them was the familial abuse porky suffered, which he inevitably regurgitated. then destiny comes along, choosing ness over porky, and the jealousy just eats porky alive. watching his bestie accumulate friends and accolades, unable to accept it's his own rotten behavior that's driven a wedge between them. gotta imagine the burden of cutting porky off was almost unbearable for ness. somethin' that keeps him up at night, wondering if he'd just been a little kinder, or sterner, or more understanding - maybe he could've saved his old friend? not quite yet realizing it was Not At All his responsibility to "fix" someone who'd dug his grave and laid in it. porky's the kinda bad guy you love to hate, but considering his upbringing, you hesitate to blame the poor schmuck. all he knows is authority and manipulation. if you gave any ornery ostracized thirteen year old unlimited power - instead of empathy and guidance - they'd probably go down the path of vengeance, too.

he's lucas' foil. both of 'em were given plenty of reasons to hate the world. when faced with an unhappy childhood, do you choose love anyways, and move forward? or do you let it become your villain origin story? porky refuses to grow up, to such an extreme degree, that he's gotta drag everybody down into neverland with him. thinks he's got human nature all figured out, when really - kid dropped out in eighth grade - his expertise starts at the middle school lunch table and ends at Lord of the Flies. where lucas seeks to bring about a brighter future, porky's terminally obsessed with the past. barfs up the same old hierarchical capitalist bullshit he grew up with. hoards memorabilia. makes monuments to his warped nostalgia, as if anyone on the nowhere islands knows or cares. even tries to mold lucas into a makeshift ness - one last final battle, one last chance for destiny to stop me, here, take this baseball bat, come get me, let's play. but it doesn't worrrrk, because the gilded past he aches for is long buried, and these people aren't actors in his self-aggrandizing biopic. where lucas wakes up and says, "i don't have to be the same coward i was yesterday," porky says, "me? change? not a chance in hell." even if it costs him everything. porky's real worst nightmare is a world that moves on without him. once he's trapped in his time capsule, that's exactly what he's got in store.

i think he's the sunk cost fallacy incarnate. the sheer momentum of a thousand horrible decisions he can never turn back on. earthbound porky might get a little bit of slack, sure. but given a bazillion years worth of opportunities to change, mother 3 porky actively chose to get worse. what fucks me up most is how real he is. can't call a villain like this "insane", or even terribly exaggerated, when i'm lookin' out the window these days at billionaires, covid deniers, fuckin' terfs and maga hats. some people really would sooner die, or become all-consuming monsters, than admit they were wrong. it's all or nothing. in his eyes, either he's a visionary hero, or everything he's ever done was irredeemably reprehensible - and all the torment and criticism and loneliness he endured was therefore deserved. he can't bear the weight of it, so he simply doesn't. that's what underpins his character, to me. like. the moment he'd admit fault, or apologize, or express an ounce of regret? he'd cease to be porky. denying himself the human capacity to grow, forever, just to spare his fragile ego. could almost pity him. almost.

a perfect villain for both of the stories he terrorizes, and my favorite villain in anything ever. when itoi said "porky is truly a poem in himself" he wasn't kidding.

#ask tag #2thtalks

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practically-an-x-man · 3 months

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uh oh! your OCs have been trapped in a musical! what genre is it, what types of songs do they sing, and how do they get out?

Oooooh very interesting!! Thank you!

Rae: It would be a vaguely Hadestown-style musical, adventurous and focused on recovering love, and she'd make it all the way to the bridge section of a power duet before realizing the person she's supposedly confessing her love to isn't Warren, it's a random actor on stage, and that's just not right.

Robin: Realizes she's trapped in a musical immediately (she's a stage actor normally, an opera singer, so she'd definitely be the most self-aware of the bunch), but can't bring herself to interrupt another actor's performance, so she allows herself to be swept along and leaves after the bows like any other performance. The genre is probably some sort of self-discovery journey a la Legally Blonde or Kinky Boots

Madison: I could see her in a horror musical like Evil Dead, and she'd be genuinely frightened until she realized she was trapped in a musical and the events weren't real. She'd realize the knife at her belt is foam, just a prop, and that would tip her off. She breaks out by breaking the events of the play - instead of seeing it through to the script's betrayal in the second act, she jumps forward and "stabs" the future antagonist, which breaks the story and lets her slip free.

Ophelia: Gets out by breaking the fourth wall - halfway through a monologue, she turns to face the audience and speaks to them instead, and slowly starts to move down the stage until she can slip out one of the house exits. If she'd stayed, it only would have been a tragic play in the end.

Jasper: Also would realize it immediately, since they'd sense all the emotions of the audience around them. As for genre... probably also a horror musical, but subverted horror or horror/romance, like the Corpse Bride.

Katherine: Would be in some kind of historical musical, akin to Hamilton, and would probably realize it once she stumbles into a historical inaccuracy (probably something just played up to make an interesting scene, but still). She, not knowing the script, would reply with the real facts of the event instead, which would then break the narrative of the musical and let her escape.

Kestrel: It's not them that breaks the narrative, it's the audience - they play along and get really into it, but they end up shapeshifting once or twice and it can't be written off as a stage effect, which makes the audience skeptical and breaks the fourth wall. Genre? Um... something with mythology themes, like that Percy Jackson musical

Quinn: Oh, it would be total havoc. Missed cues, going off-script just for the hell of it... she stays to the end, just because she's having such a blast with this weird improv thing it's turned into, but the audience is dying laughing and nobody can remember what the original show was even supposed to be about. Leave it to Quinn to turn any show into a Play That Goes Wrong-style explosion of chaos.

Eris: Would deliver about two lines (it's a conflict or war-based show like Miss Saigon), then realize they're on stage and just... walk right off. That's about the safest alternative on the table, at least for Eris.

Nikoletta: All I can see her is in something like Wicked (hell, her own story almost is Wicked, in a really tangential way). And man, she'd have some absolute power ballads, with themes of loneliness and the most emotional performance you've ever seen. She'd get up to intermission - emotional solo, long sustained note, then fade to blackout around her and she's gone.

#my friends!!!#answered asks #my ocs #madison douglas #ophelia octavius #jasper wilson #oc quinn/aces #rae mckinney #robin cassidy #oc kestrel #oc katherine johnson #oc eris #nikoletta bordeaux

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theleechyskrunkly · 11 months

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so I'm bored put of my mind, so Imma just match TWST with songs I think fit them pretty well. (Part 1)

So starting with Riddle-Me-This from heartslabyul!

I feel like the song Silent Scream by Anna Blue is like the embodiment of Riddle's relationship with his mother (so me tbh). So imma just dissect the lyrics I think apply to Riddle real quick:

"I'm caught up in your expectations, you try to make me live your dream." _ Riddle's mom tryna raise him to be her or a better version of her and trapping Riddle in her own personal ideals.

"But I'm causing you so much frustration, and you only want the best for me." _ Riddle not being exactly what Riddle's mom was expecting him, making her frustrated, leading to her being harsher and harsher the more he strays from her ideals because she wants him to be the best he can be and more.

"You're wanting me to show more interest, to always keep a big bright smile. Be that pinky little perfect princess, but I'm not that type of child." _ Riddle's mom wanting his studies to be his only focus and that he always, ALWAYS follows rules; however Riddle continues to grow and meets Trey and Chenya and discovers that there's more to the world than just studying and rules, causing him to stray from his mother's ideals, even by the tiniest bits.

"And the storm is rising inside of me" _ Blot accumulating within Riddle as he grows.

"Don't you see that our worlds collide?" _ what Riddle's mom expects him to be and who he really is.

"It's getting harder to breathe; it hurts deep inside" _ once again, Blot accumulating within Riddle the more he grows.

"Just let me be, who I am! Is what you really need to understand!" _ Riddle wanting to be his own person beyond being what his mother wants him to be.

"And I hope so hard for the pain to go away. And it's torturing me, but I can't break free! So I cry and cry but just won't let it out; the silent scream." _ the pain can be interpreted in many ways, whether it be the heavy expectations everybody holds for him or the actual pain Blot accumulation can cause to a mage's body, but obviously he wants to be free from it but he can't. The crying part imo translates to him releasing his anger on his dorm members by enforcing the Queen's rules; the silent scream being the pain hidden behind his out-loud screams towards his dorm members and classmates.

"Tell me why you're putting pressure on me, and everyday you cause me harm." _ this imo is about both schoolmates and his mother. Schoolmates because they just don't follow the Queen's rules, which stresses him out because he wants the best for his schoolmates due to the belief his mother forced on him that following those strict rules was for the best. His mom's expectations also put pressure on him because he has to be as straight as a line to be able to accurately apply himself to those expectations. All the stress and anger that builds up from these outside behaviors turn into Blot which eventually harms him.

"That's the reason why I feel so lonely, even though you hold me in your arms" _ Riddle being basically prevented from having friends, forced to only being around his mom, causing him abysmal loneliness. Not to mention he was later prohibited from being around his only friends after breaking his strict diet applied by his mother.

"Want to put me in a box of glitter, but I'm just trying to get right out." _ Box of glitter=box of expectations. Trying to get right out explains itself.

"And now I'm feeling so, so bitter because I've let you down" _ When he was discovered eating the strawberry tart and prohibited from handing out with Trey and Chenya, causing him bitterness and hoping he hadn't let his mother down.

---same verse as earlier from "And the storm is rising inside of me" to "the silent scream"---

"Can't you see how I cry for help?" _Aimed at everyone around him.

"Cause you should love me just for being myself." _Aimed at his mom.

"I'll drown in an ocean, of pain and emotion, if you don't help me right away!" _ Ocean of pain and emotion translates to the Blot slowly consuming him and his needing of help.

---same verse as earlier from "And the storm is rising inside of me" to "the silent scream" AGAIN and end of song---

Yeah 😐 strict parents can affect a child's personality in many ways. For Riddle, it was not the best of ways 😬.

HE'S SO RELATABLE THO!

#riddle rosehearts #disney twst #twisted wonderland #Silent scream #Music #anna blue #Mommy issues #riddle rosehearts angst #riddle rosehearts twst #Angst #heartslabyul

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tadpal · 2 days

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🥀🌿✨

hello isabell!! have i told u that i love your pfp i love to see it it makes me giggle

🥀 what keeps you motivated/helps boost your mood when you’re feeling off?

motivation is a huge weakness for me! if i knew how to boost it i wouldnt be on this app but i have a laundry list miles long about mood boosting and emotional maintenance! ive been in and out of care for bpd and autism for the better part of 8 years now and while i can't rate the professional help (nhs mh 😬) i CAN say that i am currently doing super well in terms of stability. i think for me it's less about Feeling Better and more about breaking the bad you know? temperature shocks are a big thing for me, especially with my heavy emotional weights for temp, so it's a lot of uncomfortable showers, cooling towels on neck, cool water on feet and face, cat baths, hot water bottles, ice creams, going outside. just anything with that like Temperature Shock is going to help. for overwhelming most often going sudden cold (safely) is what works best for me!! resets!

🌿 do you like having plants in your home/yard? do you have any currently?

LOVE THEM!!! when i was living at uni i had 7-9 various houseplants in my room and others scattered in the kitchen halls and bathroom but these days most of them have been claimed by my mom! i have three in my room now! a large succulent a sort of grass and something tall with dark greens and waxy leaves... by those descriptions you can tell im terrible at remembering plant types but im surprisingly not terrible at keeping them alive. idk it mostly just works out

✨ what scents do you have strong memories/associations with?

the nice ones are like orange blossom (aunts perfume who passed, grandmother figure to me, scent never lasted bc of her work so you could only ever smell it if you hugged real tight, calloused hands, bristly hair, miss her ), ocean spray (lived by a beach, leaving the commune for outings, big bright blue, one day we'll get out of here, people on the outside are kind - the systemite kids are kind - i will be able to have friends on the outside, calm, loneliness, laughter), honeysuckle (represents childhood hunger and gentleness and peace and danger, the importance of ritual), lemon blossom (tree by the pool in one of the worst communes we lived in, best lemons ive ever tasted, my aunt maria taught me how to make soap), apple cider vinegar (self sufficiency - making meals for myself too young, fresh vegetables from the local farms, abuelas tomato salads, full stomachs)

but there's also more unpleasant ones just in terms of the scent itself: septic tank in the height of summer (danger, childhood recklessness, the feeling of being trapped, the buzz of the wasps,) the thing that died in the pool over winter (we didn't find it until we cleaned the pool in summer, it smelt mostly of chlorine, we don't know what animal it had been, it's bones were greyer than id expected, my mom cried for a week) and it's dry and the car is leaking (it's the middle of a drought and the old car is leaking, thick black oil onto the drive. there have been three bush fires this week and every time you haul your childhood possessions onto the year and watch the smoke. the smoke clings and clutches and you think about the oil. no one else can smell it but you. it's worse when the fires start when you're already out and you think about all the things that you left inside the home.) the smell of the old car in summer (and then you're inside the car, waiting at the gas station and all around you is the smell of smoke and gasoline and seaweed and leaking. the seat is somehow sticky and sandy all at once. your uncle is talking about leaving forever again.)

i am very much an associator tho you could say anything and id go Oh That Reminds Me. guy who is reminded

#ask tad

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youkaigakkou-tl · 2 years

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The Haruaki Student Arc Post

In other words: “Haruaki has a weird dream and I read way too much into it”

It’s only 2 chapters, pretty short to be called an arc, but I call it an arc anyway since it’s got enough material I thought about and wrote all of this.

Also I’ve been reading up on stuff to make the Kyoto arc post and it's kinda driving me insane so this is like a brain cleanser.

All opinions, theories etc are my own, if it’s not explicitly shown in the manga it’s my own extrapolation.

This is over 3800 words, and more coherently written than the Renren arc post, so buckle in.

Spoilers for chapter 79 and 80, I recommend you pull up those two chapters on wherever you read manga for the full experience, and also pull up whatever other chapters I mention.

OP talks about Monogatari series for a minute

My first impression of these two chapters was that it’s very similar to Zoku Owarimonogatari, in that both are “MC is the same, but trapped in a world where everyone else behaves differently”. Of course, it’s very different once you actually get into it, in Zoku Owari it’s that everyone else’s hidden parts are on full display, whereas here it’s just a slight dynamic change due to Haruaki being aged down a few years. Despite that, I think both of these serve similar purposes in the narrative, as a reflection on the MC through the lens of the other characters, and also a reaffirming of who they are as people.

(If you haven’t seen Monogatari series, it’s really good, or maybe it’s just because I like ahoge idiots?)

Anyway, the chapter, huh

Interestingly, or rather obviously, it starts in almost the exact same way as chapter 33, with the students going to play somewhere and Haruaki feeling left out. In some sense, this arc is a “Prying into Haruaki’s Problem” part 2, tackling the problem from the students’ angle instead of the teachers’ angle.

This arc gives me so many emotions, he’s still hung up about this even after all this time (crying punching walls etc I care him so much)

Notably though, he’s been through a lot more at this point compared to chapter 33, namely the events of ch33 itself, Miki arc, Ebisu’s introduction, also the whole Renren arc.

You can really see this in how much better he takes stuff in the first pages of ch79 than in ch33, how much more open he and Miki and Hatanaka are. Reading back ch33 now, it’s really become clear how Miki and Hatanaka were tiptoeing around Haruaki in their own way. (Well, also because this is before Miki ironed out his own feelings about this whole thing)

It’s also fascinating that he says this in ch33, because the fact this arc happens shows that he clearly has not come to terms with this as much as he thinks he has. Haruaki’s such an interesting character to me for this reason, he’s clearly a smart guy, but even knowing about your own feelings objectively, you can’t do anything about it.

“Haruaki!!”

Clearly, the first sign that it’s not the real Sano would be this.

I translate from the Chinese version, so it wasn’t immediately obvious this happened, since Chinese doesn’t have furigana and doesn’t differentiate “Haruaki” and “Seimei”. In early chapters they used “清明” (as opposed to “晴明”, they have slightly different readings) for “Seimei” but ultimately they dropped that. Actually, “清明” is the word for qingming festival, or tomb sweeping day, so that’s kinda cute.

Anyway, I bring this up because I only looked at the JP raws after fully reading the chapters in CN, and for a moment I was exhilarated that Sano called him “Haruaki”, and then I remembered it’s a fake Sano.

This first scene in the dream is also a clue, because in the real world Sano and Mame are rooming, and neither of them would have it any other way.

I wonder if one of Haruaki’s grievances is also his loneliness in university, since Amaaki went to a different uni to study shrine stuff, Haru probably roomed alone. (This is in a twitter comic I haven’t translated yet)

Hijita talking to Haruaki

This is a very minor thing, but if you’ll recall, Hijita is introduced as hating humans because his sister’s husband has his shit together. He ends up changing his mind and being okay with Haruaki because he’s such a pathetic meow meow.

(If you look at early chapters, you can really see which details were put in later, like how Hijita says the only humans he knows are his sister’s husband and his family, but Beniko has 3 human dads)

(Also, the detail that Haruaki “didn’t know youkai existed before now”, but he’s seen mandragoras before, also small Miki, also the creepy lady dragging Ame away, also Ame says he “fibs about seeing strange creatures all the time”. Crack answer would be he’s an airhead who doesn’t connect any dots, crack taken seriously would be he has some kind of mental issues or coping mechanism either from being Abe no Seimei’s reincarnation or not being taken seriously all the time and possible bullying, the essay for which I’ll never write because I’m not good at understanding people/characters.)

Anyway, it’s really probably just a throwaway line, if we really take it seriously probably something similar happened in this fake universe.

Mame is the MVP of this manga

Have I mentioned Mame is the MVP of this manga? No because I just realised it writing this essay. This manga straight up would not exist without Mame. First of all, I’m pretty sure he’s the student who talks to Haruaki the most, as much as or even more than Sano. If they’re in the same scene, Mame’s probably saying something to Haruaki.

(All these are just from flipping through chapters for a minute, mostly volume 1)

The second line he ever says, 4 pages into chapter 1, is asking Sano if he’s going to help Haruaki when they see him getting harassed.

In chapter 1, Sano did go up to reassure Haruaki of his own volition, but I’m sure the entire reason he decided to do that and isn’t more of a brooding emo teen is because he’s been friends with Mame.

(There's an interesting throughline here, the parallel between Mame and Sano befriending Haruaki, and Hatanaka and Miki befriending him. The “emo loner with trauma” and “extrovert animal youkai bff”)

Mame also started the biology club, which = mandragoras.

Also, Hatanaka and by extension Miki only became teachers because of Mame.

In other words, Mame really is the mascot character.

Dodgeball

This part’s a callback to chapter 5, where Sano and Haruaki do basketball combat, it even reuses the same sailor uniform joke!

Again, Mame’s on Haruaki’s side instead of Sano’s, a clear but super missable clue.

I do wonder how exactly the makuragaeshi’s fake Sano works, is it just the makuragaeshi wearing Sano’s appearance, or was a Sano of this AU created, that the makuragaeshi is just piloting? Most of this Sano’s behavior is too Sano™ for someone who doesn’t even know what name he calls Haruaki, methinks.

(Or he just called him “Haruaki” to flatter him? Sure got to me for a moment.)

This page

What can I even say? This page just destroys me. This manga is a masterpiece

Izuna-kun and Rintarou-kun

Right, now we get into the detective part of this essay. I have to respect the makuragaeshi for this (and also Tanamai-sensei) that it’s not just “dream world where Haruaki gets everything he wants”.

(Imagine I’m like this)

The entire reason I’m taking these 2 chapters seriously is that the makuragaeshi seemed surprised at all the changes ageing down Haruaki caused, so there’s more to it than “haha wacky dream world”.

I can’t help but wonder if Hatanaka in this universe is way harsher than in the real world, and if there’s a reason why.

Compare this to him being all buddy buddy with Mame and Tamao in Yoseito, as well as him being one of the first ones to warm up to Haruaki in the earliest chapters.

This is a fascinating thing to consider as well, because I reckon the reason Hatanaka gave Haruaki a chance was that Miki gave Haruaki a chance, but Miki had ulterior motives. I’d even hazard that Miki arc was planned to happen from the very beginning.

Biggest thing in this chapter about Hatanaka, that’s pointed out twice, is that he’s not married to Ibara. (He doesn’t have the scarf and doesn’t have a ring) Which also means he doesn’t have kids. I bet having a wife and kids would mellow him out some and make him tolerate students more.

Miki is also extra prickly, which is understandable, but in ch53 we see him react to Ebisu knowing about his family matters, and he doesn’t explode like he does in this chapter. Of course, there’s different parts to the equation, Miki would be more careful about what he does in front of a god than a human, but I think it’s interesting to consider.

If Haruaki was aged down, Hatanaka and Miki would not have met him on their 2nd year school trip, but it’s not like that was a formative experience for the 3 of them anyway. Maybe it was for Sano, but Sano’s totally out of the equation for this analysis, obviously.

On the topic of Sano, Ebisu doesn’t show up at all this arc. In the real world, Ebisu spies on Hyakki primarily for Sano, and Haruaki is only secondary. The reason he’s even aware of Haruaki is the TV program he did in ch17, and also meeting him in Tokyo when he got lost in ch36 to ch38, which is kinda connected to meeting him 9 years prior when little Sano gave Haruaki the talisman.

All of this would not have happened if Haruaki was aged down. He still might have gotten lost on that field trip and ended up in Kyoto, but the timing would not have lined up with Hatanaka and Miki’s school trip.

Intermission

I’m realising this Just Now, but the dream doesn’t happen at the same time of year as the real world.

They’re wearing the winter uniform in the dream (gakuran for the boys, long sleeves for the girls) which would be for October until the end of May.

Whereas the students are still in their summer uniforms in the real world (blue button up for boys, short sleeves for girls). Even for the Kyoto arc after this which definitely happens in October, they’re still not in winter uniforms, just sweater vests over the summer uniform.

This is also why the last time we see students in gakuran in the manga proper is chapter 7, even though the unbuttoned gakuran is such a delinquent look.

If I had to guess, I’d say the dream is set super early in the school year rather than after October.

In that case, this would have been before the field trip to Tokyo happened anyway, timeline-wise.

Intermission over

Miki’s situation is interesting to consider, because Haruaki was a lot more involved with him.

First of all, his mom is still sealed, so it can be assumed not much has changed about Abe no Seimei 1000 years ago.

With Haruaki aged down, he wouldn’t have met Miki when they were 10, because Haruaki would have been like, 1 year old, not at the age he would go jaunting around to the next prefecture over.

This means Miki wouldn’t have had to see Haruaki get totally murdered! Hooray!

A slight tangent. The chapter title for Miki arc is “Abe no Seimei, Haruaki Abe and Shutendouji”. Have you ever wondered how it was written in the original? No? Come on, have some curiosity.

It uses the same kanji for Abe no Seimei and Haruaki Abe, but it has 2 lines of furigana. How many other mangas get to do this? Man.

That aside, this still doesn’t explain anything, in fact the Miki in this universe is even more prickly than the real Miki. This Miki actually reminds me of the real Miki when he learned his mom was going to be unsealed.

Actually, now that I think about it, even without the trauma of seeing his new friend get eaten, he would have been an outcast at school either way for being the shutendouji’s kid.

The thing I’m hung up on mostly is Ibara. Given that “the true nature of people haven’t changed” and all, if Hatanaka and Ibara both exist, pretty good chance they would have gotten married. So, indulge me on these 2 crack theories! Don’t take anything too seriously, I’m not taking anything seriously.

Crack theory 1: Time travel real

EDIT Feb 2023: wrote a post about hatanaka time travel, go read that.

This has to do with the whole subplot in Yoseito where Yamazaki recognised Hatanaka from 100 years ago, and also Ibara recognised him. My pet theory, because it’s the easiest and most obvious one, is that there’s time travel shenanigans involved, basically the Hatanaka from a future point in the main story ended up in the past. Now, because this is a reality where Haruaki is the same age as Hatanaka and a teacher, and he’s also the number 1 causer of shenanigans, it probably has something to do with him.

Conversely, if Haruaki isn’t the same age as Hatanaka and causing shenanigans, the events from 100 years ago might be different, and Ibara wouldn’t be as inclined to notice Hatanaka and get married eventually.

That said, this is a crack theory based off another crack theory, so nothing holds water here really.

Crack theory 2: Ibara is dead

This was actually the first conclusion I came to, because my default thought process is “but what if dead?”.

This might sound insane, but I have reasons. (I think.)

It all comes back to the “their true natures haven’t changed” thing, that if Hatanaka and Ibara both exist, they would have gotten together.

It’s not a world where Ibara never existed in the first place, because Miki is a teacher after all. Mame pushed Hatanaka to become a teacher, but he might have let Miki convince him not to if Ibara wasn’t there to convince Miki as well.

So if Ibara died at some point, it would be within the 8 years between Miki’s high school years and present day.

We know that Miki’s mom has been eating his spirit energy. I also wonder if eating Haruaki/Seimei’s soul had some averse effects on Mikimom, like delaying her seal getting nearly broken by a couple years.

While Ibara is the strongest of the Miki siblings, Mikimom is still considerably stronger. She also seems to be the most willing to put herself on the line for Miki.

I guess, what I’m getting at is, something happened with Miki and their mom, and Ibara ended up dead because of it, also explaining why he’s so much more prickly at his mom being mentioned.

So anyway

Fun thought experiment, right? Like I said, it’s stupid crack theories, don’t take either of them too seriously.

Most of this mystery comes from not knowing the details of how Hatanaka and Ibara got together exactly, as well as not enough details about Ibara herself, so I imagine this will get cleared up at some point. Hatanaka being maidenless was such a big detail that it was specifically pointed out and highlighted, so I wanted to explore it for a bit.

That was a lot of words about the teachers, so I want to go back and look at the students for a bit.

Some of the obvious changes would be Beniko being a shut-in, since in the real world Haruaki directly caused her to come back to school. Straightforward.

Fuji and Ogoso aren’t friends since ch35 didn’t happen.

From that panel in the classroom we actually learn the seating arrangement of the Ogata twins (previously, both seats were just labelled “Ogata” in the tweet with the seating arrangement), Rin (black hair) sits behind Kou.

Also from that classroom panel, Haruaki is sitting in Hijita’s seat, probably not for any reason other than it’s a nice central location. The person behind him whose hair you can barely see is probably Maeda, Satsuki either isn’t in class yet or at all.

Though on the next page it seems like he’s actually in the front row seat, where Nyuudou normally sits.

Where is Dr. Takahashi

The burning question. WHERE IS HE. WHERE IS MY MALEWHORE- I mean uh doctor!!

This also entirely has to do with Utagawa and Nyuudou, which is brought up in the chapter itself, but it goes even deeper than purely “Takahashi made Utagawa’s human form”.

The only thing that’s confirmed is that “Takahashi is not a doctor”, whether this means Takahashi doesn’t exist at all or simply has a different job, I’m not sure. I actually thought the policeman near the end of ch80 is Takahashi, since Tanamai sensei has drawn Takahashi and Yamazaki clothes swap before, but it’s not certain.

If Takahashi isn’t a doctor, Nyuudou’s parents wouldn’t have had that conversation with him about human mothers and youkai children, and he wouldn’t have made that remark about youkai and human laws, which means Nyuudou’s dad wouldn’t have been pushed to get involved in politics.

“Whether they exist was changed” is coupled with Saitou Manuel becoming minister of the ministry of youkai, so I’m not sure if this is trying to imply that Nyuudou doesn’t exist or his dad doesn’t exist.

Well… either case then, Nyuudou doesn’t exist, and Utagawa Ruri wouldn’t have met him. Even if she died then, she wouldn’t have the regrets that caused her to turn into a gashadokuro. Or maybe she’s still alive as a human in this universe! It’s only stated that her “birth condition left her frail”, so there’s a chance she wouldn’t have died.

There’s also the chance that Nyuudou does exist, just that Renka ended up in a different hospital than Ruri. Takahashi had connections with the director of the hospital Renka stayed at, and had his nurses placed there, so there’s a good chance he pulled strings to have Renka there to better keep an eye on her condition.

Still, that doesn’t explain why Nyuudou isn’t in class 2-3, so I’m inclined to believe he doesn’t exist in this universe. Maybe they went to a different doctor who convinced Renka to abort.

Or maybe Hajime and Renka didn’t get married at all, for some reason? idk

The principal mentions the youkai ministry’s push for coexistence, but the reason for that in the real world is Hajime wanting a better world for his son, so what would be the reason in this universe?

See, even after, or perhaps because of, Renren’s arc, there’s still so many mysteries.

None of this answers why Takahashi has a different job/doesn’t exist either, Takahashi not being a doctor is just the catalyst for the whole Nyuudou family mystery.

If Takahashi doesn’t exist for some reason, it would explain why Yamazaki isn’t a policeman, considering the reason he got an upbringing at all was that he was basically adopted by the Takahashi family.

Still. This is like THE biggest mystery. This has haunted me ever since I first saw this arc.

Principal and Ranmaru

Just kidding this is the biggest mystery.

In the real world, the principal is actually super open about Haruaki’s powers and why he wants him here. However, in this universe he seems especially ticked off by Haruaki mentioning it, something Ranmaru points out specifically.

And Ranmaru as well, in the real world he wasn’t even aware Haruaki existed until physically meeting him in ch21, so nothing should have been able to change him creating the karasu tengu troupe.

Granted, the troupe seems to have been a recent thing he came up with, and not hundreds of years old. Still, in this universe, the principal trusted him enough to hire him?

I just… don’t know what to make of this at all? We still know so little about the principal and Ranmaru, even now. Maybe when Kyoto arc is over I’ll return to this with answers.

Anyway, Ranmaru is the homeroom teacher of 2-5 here, which is interesting because 2-5 is the only class whose homeroom teacher we don’t actually know. (obviously it’s not Ranmaru in the real world, but y’know)

Class 1 is Hatanaka, 2 is Miki, 3 is Haruaki, 4 is Mouse-sensei, and 6 is Awayama (the centaur). 5 is probably the nurikabe teacher, considering we see him hanging out with the other second year teachers.

Ranmaru’s probably 2-5 just so he wouldn’t replace a character we know and raise more questions.

Woe, this diagram be upon ye. I made this back when I translated the chapters, so it’s not an exact 1-to-1 of this post, but the rough ideas are there. Now that I look at it, what the hell are some of these points? Just consider this a peek into my brain, I guess.

Fake Sano-kun

(Harusano handholding...)

This just FEELS like a callback to camp, combining both Sano catching Haruaki and Tamao exposing Yamazaki’s Nyuudou. Although the makuragaeshi’s fake Sano is actually a lot more convincing than Yamazaki’s Nyuudou. Every other sentence Yamazaki said was out of character for Nyuudou, from leaving Tamao behind to loredropping about youkai and ghosts.

The makuragaeshi’s Sano was a lot more convincing in contrast, the only things giving him away were insulting Mame at the end and also Mame himself. Granted, he said a lot less than Yamazaki, so that’s the secret to a good impersonation really. Funny, since the impersonation that was pulled off the best was Amaaki in the Renren arc, the combination of Amaaki knowing Haruaki well, as well as not talking that much, and also Kurai’s hubris. And also Haruaki coming up with that genius double impersonator plan, because nobody expects 2 impersonators.

To you, who became a teacher

I can only DREAM that I managed to convey these two pages as eloquently as the original (and the Chinese version) did, and I’m looking forward to the official translation so I can bawl my eyes out over these two pages all over again.

(I wrote these messages while translating these two pages)

I love the way this manga just answers philosophical dilemmas so straightforwardly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Of course, the only reason he was able to say all this is because of all the work he put in, all the work he saw his students put in, and isn’t that what living means? Are you not just the sum total of your experiences, of all your hard work? Isn’t it worth it to live in the real world for the sole reason that you crafted it with your own hands?

I just think these 2 chapters are Phenomenal, Amazing, Life Changing, this is up there in my favorite chapters along with ch33. I love that even though the premise is a dream, it follows set rules and opens up interesting ideas and questions. It’s also such an important arc to reaffirm who Haruaki is as a person, and a prelude/setup to the Kyoto arc.

Thank you for reading all this, and I hope it made sense, as well as made you love these two chapters as much as me. Let me leave you with the inner color page of volume 12.

See you in the Kyoto arc post, I guess? I imagine that one will be a lot less narrative-focused than this one, and more focused on the history of Kyoto as well as Japanese mythology in general.

Also check my rambles tag for more stuff like this

#youkai gakkou no sensei hajimemashita #rambles

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ishallbeyourmuse · 2 years

Text

Most definitely evil

Warnings: s3lf-h@rm, m7rder, bl0od

Pairing: Peter Ballard x reader

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You just came out of Papa's experimental game or something like that. He liked to pay attention to you, the other kids, your so called siblings, were always jealous of how much attention he payed to you. You could only trust one person here. He was an orderly, with dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes. He was the brightest part of this prison. He told you about the outside world, unlike him you longed to get out of the world. To truly feel, become normal. He always dismissed your thoughts, to him his old life outside was hell.

One day he caught you doing something you never wanted him to see.

Drawing the blood out of your wounds went smoothly, like always. You couldn't feel so much emotions. In this place it was like they even took your feeling from you. With this you could feel, even if it just came from a physical part of your body. It was funny, really. How you couldn't even separate nothingness from too much. You started slowly to feel ashamed of yourself. Ashamed for all the wasted blood of a 'miracle kid', ashamed for knowing how you felt towards Peter. If you knew what falling in love meant, then you definitely were in love with him. You just felt different around him, like even the atmosphere would change.He was a riddle, you tried to solve and he didn't help much in the solving part. He could be confusing and blabbered to you, but only to you. But he was this friendly with everyone. It was just in his nature. So you couldn't mistaken it for him returning your feelings towards you.

Suddenly there was a sharp knock on the door, the person didn't even wait for an answer, and only one person were allowed to do that at your room. You tried your hardest to hide away your arms as quickly as possibly, you even thought you succeeded, but he had a stern look on his face, mixed with fear.

He throwed himself down, in front of you, and took your arm in his.

-What happened? - he seemed concerned - Did someone hurt you?

You pulled your hand out of his, letting out a soft hiss, and stood up.

-Nothing happened, Peter- you behaved like a child,but you felt so much embarrassment that he'd noticed it.-You can see it for yourself, I'm standing still, talking straight, and acting as usual.So there is nothing.

-It didn't seem like nothing to me just a minute ago- he spat out.- Just tell me their names and I can promise you they never gonna-

-There aren't any names Peter- You hissed out.- Okay? There are no names.

-Was it Papa then? - he asked, he still had a dark look on his face.

-No, Peter! It was me okay- you whisper-yelled- it was me, I did it.

His face broke into utter desperation.

-What? No... I would've noticed it - he muttered- how long have you been doing this?

-Years, probably. I didn't really count.

-Why, just tell me why?-he took started stroking your face softly.

-I... I don't know, Pete. I feel like I'm going mad here. Sometimes I feel nothing, utter emptiness and then the feelings come back all at once, the loneliness, the feeling of being trapped, my love for you, the...-realization spread on your face. You just told him. His face softened, leaned in closer.

-I'm here for you, all the time, my love - he called you on pet names before for fun, but never this- I'll take you out of here I swear.

He softly pressed his lips to yours, for moments it didn't even feel real. You couldn't comprehend the fact that he wanted the same from you. But sensation filled you up and you lost yourself in the moment, slowly.

You replayed the events after this in your head as you were waiting for him in the storage. Soft touches when no-one was looking, sneaking into each others room just to hug while the two of you were sleeping.Him getting you sweets and beautiful things he could get his hands on, or simply just making you something. He liked to paint and you loved his paintings.He did all of them for you.

You heard screams from outside and became worried, so you hurried out to the corridors. And there was so much blood, you saw red everywhere. Lifeless bodies of the children lying on the ground. You became worried someone had hurt Peter too, so you hurried through every door until you came to a pass in the Rainbow room.There stood Peter, perfectly fine while killing 002. You started panting, you totally freezed.

He slowly turned towards you when he was finished.

-I told you to wait in there.

You felt like your voice failed you for a second, all you could repeat was "why, why why" to Peter.

-Why my love?- he stalked forward to his upset girlfriend's face- You don't have to be worried about them. They were not like us. They were just a total waste of Papas time.Why the fear now?

You got to know who I was a long ago.

She did know he was 001, but that did not come with the knowledge that he was a psychopath too.

-They.. were.. just kids- you stuttered out.

-Kids with powers they could never control, could never truly use. But in us, there's the potential to become more. We both were born like this, my love. We could do whatever we want.

You were just staring at him, and he grabbed your hand.

-We can be free now, we can get away from here, as you always wished. Even form a time loop, nearly a whole new galaxy for just the two of us - he looked utterly insane, while your heart broke with his every word.

-We could be capable of this. We are so strong, my love. And together we'd be unstoppable - he was so cunning, so manipulative, you wondered if his love was even real for you, or it was just a ploy to join him in this madness.

-Do you- she started- do you love me?

-Of course I do!- he stated.- Isn't it obvious enough, hadn't I made it clear in these past months.

You pulled all of your powers to the surface of your mind.

-No - you answered painfully- you haven't.

You attacked him with every power you had left, you grabbed a bit of your bad memories, and then you found that you can have more strength from the good one. You saw how hurt he was as his body was pulling apart slowly, while a bright red gate took him in. You panted and fell to your knees, didn't even realized you were crying all this time. You couldn't hold it in anymore and screamed, screamed until you had no voice no breath left.

#henry creel #peter ballard #001 stranger things #peter ballard is hot #stranger things #stranger things 4 #001

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selfshippinglover · 2 years

Text

More MCU(Markiplier Cinematic Universe) S/I lore cause I’m thinking about it

~She was in the mirror for a undetermined amount of time ofc(time works differently there after all) but she interpreted as a over a decade

~She was always fighting with herself and the awful whispers of the Entity. Sometimes externally but there was always a hushed whisper in her mind where nothing should’ve been. Sometimes this would include self harm.

~Honestly she barely even notices how many wounds there are what condition they are in. The pain is so dulled compared to everything else it’s almost as if it never happened at all. Same with the bullet wound.

~Cried until there was nothing left but endless emptiness

~Is really still only upset with Celine and William about everything. She is not forgiving of Damien in helping to trap her here via stealing her body but she’s willing to move forward some with an apology.

~Is absolutely depressed and crushed by loneliness most of all. Though some part of her naively(she would think) still holds out hope that maybe she could be saved, she has mostly gives up on that. All she really wants now is to not be alone anymore.

~Mark is the one who saves her, who comes back for her! And the only price to pay is to help Mark tell his stories. They’re trapped here forever anyways so why not? She can’t even care about the terms and conditions she’s just SO happy to not be alone and that he cared and that SOMEONE cared.

~From that moment on she clings to Actor like a sloth to a tree. She refuses to let go. Honestly could border on a codependency for a bit there.

~As they go through adventures together, as she lives different lives she starts to recover slowly. Regaining some will of her own, some spark! Actor slowly brings her out of the pits of depression and into that feeling of being alive again.

~The feelings for him never left even with that time alone in Purgatory. Once he came to save her, they were even more solidified.

~For a long while she is content in not having any memory of what happened before the stories they inhabit together as it was like the most real version of escapism anyone could ever ask for. This would change overtime as Darkiplier interfered. After enough interference, if things were too similar in the story world to stuff that had happened before she would essentially go into a PTSD episode state.

~After the two discover this, she decides to start processing things little by little with Mark’s help. Slowly they introduce thematic elements that would trigger memories of the past and she would tackle them with Mark and whatever character was there.

~If she asked for Mark specifically the story would be paused and they’d take as much time as needed before continuing on with the show

~Eventually everything that has to be said gets said. They decide if she wants an escape from reality that she can go in as a character with fuzzy memories but most of the time she opts to actually learn to act as an active participant in the play

~In the beginning if you had asked her if she was okay with the way things were her choice would vary by the day but once all is out in the open, she truly believes this is the best place she can be.

~After all, she grew up beside him, cheering on his dreams, adoring his smile, everything really

~So it’s like a fucked up acceptance and happy ending?? bkjadfhkf

#cicisays #Part of your Play #tw scars #scars tw #self harm tw #tw self harm #blood tw #tw blood #A Mayors Home #idk i was just thiunking about mirror angst and was like #it evolved from there

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hikkomori-era · 6 days

Text

The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthropology

Day 1: FORTNIGHT

Hey fellow Swifties! Let's take a moment to bask in the glory of these incredible lyrics! 🌟 My heart is seriously bursting with love for Taylor Swift's latest masterpiece, and I can't wait to dive into the emotional rollercoaster that is this song with all of you. But hey, no spoilers here – let's keep it sweet and leave some surprises for the listening experience!

First things first, can we just talk about how Taylor absolutely nails the complexity of love? It's like she's diving deep into our souls and unraveling every tangled emotion we've ever felt. From the highs of that sweet, blissful connection to the gut-wrenching lows of heart-wrenching regret, she's laying it all bare for us. It's raw, it's real, and it hits you right in the feels.

And let's not even get started on the imagery she paints with her words – it's like she's crafting a masterpiece with every lyric. Each word feels like a brushstroke on a canvas, creating this breathtaking picture of love that's both beautiful and haunting. Whether it's the ache of lost love or the bittersweet memories of what once was, Taylor's lyrics leave you breathless and wanting more.

But what really tugs at my heartstrings is how she captures the struggle of moving on. It's like she's speaking directly to us, acknowledging the pain of letting go while still holding onto hope for the future. It's a reminder that healing takes time, and even though the road may be rocky, there's always that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Taylor takes us on a journey through a time when she felt abandoned and unnoticed, struggling with her own demons and feeling betrayed by someone close to her. It's a raw and honest look at the loneliness and confusion that can come from feeling neglected and misunderstood.

The chorus highlights the fleeting nature of relationships, where moments of connection can quickly turn into distant memories. It's a reminder that not everything is as it seems, and sometimes, those seemingly perfect interactions can hide deeper emotional turmoil and resentment.

Taylor describes the struggle to move on from a past love, acknowledging the temporary relief of distractions but ultimately feeling consumed by the lingering feelings. It's like she's trapped in a perpetual cycle of sadness and longing, unable to escape the memories of what once was.

The repetition of "I love you, it's ruining my life" hits you right in the gut, underscoring the conflicting emotions that come with love. It's a powerful reminder that sometimes, the very thing that brings us joy can also bring us pain.

Post Malone's verse adds another layer to the narrative, expressing the desire to reconnect with a lost love despite the inevitable pain it may bring. It's a testament to the universal desire for a fresh start, even when haunted by unresolved feelings.

Overall, these lyrics are a testament to Taylor's talent as a storyteller and a songwriter. She has this incredible ability to capture the complexities of human emotion in a way that feels both personal and universal. And as a diehard Swiftie, I couldn't be more grateful to have her music to turn to whenever I need to feel understood. Long live Taylor Swift and her lyrical magic! 💖✨

So, what do you all think? Let's dive into the discussion and share our favorite moments from the song! 🎶✨

#taylor swift #taylornation #the tortured poets department #swifties #post malone #fortnight

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doomanddread · 2 years

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the pressure is building beneath my skin. magma boiling under rock. its infuriating in some ways- because i know the stress pressing down, was triggered by my own stupidity. my own jealousy, my own pain, my own inadequacy. and its also just apart of the wave- the pendulum swings one way, and then it swings right back. like tides. its all just coming and going. what goes up must come down. here i am, starting to crumble. i just. want to be understood. just once, just for a moment in my life. to feel truly known. and wanted. and accepted. unjudged. free. but i dont have the strength to do it by myself. im weak. all over. its been 31 years and i still can’t figure out how to be ok with myself. all ive known is myself, and yet. i can’t fucking stand her. i jsut want someone to tell me it will be okay. that im okay. just want someone to see me, truly, and be ok with what they meet. isnt that what everyone wants? isn’t that the goal? then why does everyone seem to find it so easily, and i’m here 3 decades in, still rejected over and over and over, still alone, still so trapped in my own little prison of hurt and wounds? even when i finally, finally get a chance to move ahead, to take one step closer to my dreams so far away, it doesn’t fucking matter. i’m so far behind now, years and dollars and beauty all wasted, all gone, that i will never catch up. I’ll never even get close to where everyone else is. what everyone else has. and they have no fucking idea. no fucking clue how lucky they are. never spare a thought for poor old me, hiding away and locked up, no one even knows the truth anymore. we all pretend my shitty life isn’t shitty, and talk about how she’s getting married or she’s having a baby or he’s dating him, or she’s going there... pretend i’m normal and my life is normal. well its fucking not. and im definitely not. i just want my struggle to recognized. that’s it. i just want my pain noticed. i just want someone to see me. but i’m invisible. ive fine tuned my defenses, ive hand crafted the walls around me. i got hurt once, twice, and that was it. i made sure no one got close enough again. i won’t let them. i know ithey will just hurt me, like they all do. but they don’t try to break in either. they dont care enough to see the fort of fear ive built around myself, dont care enough to do more than knock on the door. why would i ever answer when i know it will just cause me more pain than i’m already in? you dont get me, youll judge me, youll discard me- love is so shallow. So i’ll keep the fortress in my chest strong, ill keep them all out. but the loneliness. its kills me. to be so... misunderstood. i feel like an alien in my house every day. am i even real if no one believes in me? i’m alone. i’m in another universe. can’t have normal dreams when im not normal i guess. i hate that i want it all so badly. i didnt want to the white picket fence. or i havent for along time. i wanted to just be me- and happy. but that’s a paradox. i dont think there is happiness for someone like me. how can an alien ever feel at home somewhere so foreign to them? i crave love, i crave it’s acceptance to heal me, make me strong. because i cant do it. but thats the one thing i will always, always be denied and rejected from- love. i am a creature built for nothing but, and it’s the one thing i’ve never had and never will. my life is just, an ironic punchline. im so broken. everytime i think, im finally ahead, im finally moving... its all meaningless. because the world around me just keeps spinning faster and faster, and im just falling and falling. ill always just be running, scraping by, surviving. im tired. im so tired.

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whythewords · 2 years

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Days 150 - 174: Clearing/Tokyo Winter 2: Electric Boogaloo

For a while, that Day Zero mentality from that last post stuck around with me...and it's been almost a month since that last post...and that in and of itself is baffling. It's also a clear indication of how the passage of time, great or small, helps to put things into perspective. I found myself slipping back into old patterns, forgetting about my intent to cut ties, doing some regrettable things, getting too close to backsliding just out of sheer loneliness and lack of intimacy. Loneliness is a real son of a bitch.

The sad part is, I don't know whether directing that attention elsewhere (as in toward the dating apps) was a net positive or a hinderance...but it's been a few weeks, I feel like I put in my time, gave it the ol' college try for the second go-around. Certainly doesn't feel like a net-positive at this point. I kinda hate that it's an all or nothing thing for me. I had previously attempted to just be on the apps and pop in when someone engaged with me, but inevitably I'll fall into the trap of swiping and begin to despair at the general lack of engagement. So I'm jumping off that train again. Focusing forward.

The good news is, time IS seemingly going at breakneck fucking speeds. I am almost halfway into my co-op term. Already. I am so close to the end of this damn saga of "resetting" my life. I waffled back and forth in previous posts about this wanderlust, this intent to just fuck off on a journey somewhere when I finish school, but then back-peddling slightly from that idea out of this nagging worry about the family and friends I'd be leaving behind. And even the prospect of taking a trip I've always wanted was starting to get put on the backburner. The Japan thing I mentioned...it seemed like I was decided on doing it right after finishing school, but I really wasn't.

I fucking am now.

This pitying, crippling fear of not BEING with someone is blinding me to the opportunity to do all of the things I want to do (that maybe I should have done) WITHOUT BEING with someone. My responsibility is only to myself and that is incredibly freeing...but I forget that part of it all too often. I started ACTUALLY planning the trip. Was talking to a very good friend about it, and about one of the stupid reasons I was giving myself not to do it right after finishing school: the fucking weather. I did the Google search myself before to know that the winters out there ain't that bad, certainly not as fucking bad as they are here where I am. But I seemingly missed something in that initial research session months ago. Ya know that thing on Google where if ya ask a question, a chunk of the first result will just be text across the top of the page with a potential answer for you? Well, the friend in question asked how bad the winter was in Japan, and sent me a screenshot of the response, and it read just like this:

Winter in Japan Winters are cold, with temperatures ranging from approximately 30 to 45 °F (-1 to 7 °C). Yes, it is cold, but if you can get past this basic fact (which is a potential “dealbreaker” for some), you'll find that winter is in fact one of the best times to experience Japan all for yourself.

Now...when I say the response was just like that, I mean it was JUST like that. I didn't bold that last bit of the sentence for my purposes, that is exactly how it appeared, there in boldface "winter is in fact one of the best times to experience Japan all for yourself."

"all for yourself."

I mean it's probably nothing more than a fun coincidence but Jesus fucking Christ dude. As Eddie Murphy once said in "Delirious," one of the great stand-up specials of its time: "Now that's a hint and a half for yo' ass."

So I'm doing it. I started watching all the old videos I had saved from content creators I enjoyed (with similar interests to my own) who had traveled to Japan and documented their favourite places to visit. I started noting down the things I wanna try, the places I wanna go. I'm planning the trip. Because after all, if you'll allow me to drop yet another quote from an artist I admire, Mr. John Mayer: "Who says I can't get stoned, plan a trip to Japan alone?"

Now, all the wanderlust and dreams of glorious Nihongo aside, that conversation with my pal was also great because...it was a conversation with my pal. One of my best pals. That relationship had been under a bit of a strain before when I was running the gauntlet of navigating a different relationship that I was no longer fully invested in. I got to see him today, and his wife. We had lunch together. And waiting in the wings throughout this whole fucking year-long process have been a rogues gallery of people who have stood right the fuck behind me and said "we're here for you." And more and more each day I appreciate those people because as bad as it's gotten in my head every so often over this last year, it might have gotten a whole lot fucking worse without that support system. There's gratitude number two.

Finally, though I tend to recount events rather than looking forward into the near future on this thing, there is something that lends itself to the great purge of my former life. A whole whack of my old stuff is sitting in storage at my brother's place and I've made a pact with him to go up there on Canada Day weekend. stay for a night or two, go through allllll that stuff that's been sitting there unused, mostly unneeded for over a year...and just fucking get rid of it. The donation box, the trash, yard sale fodder, I don't give a fuck where it goes but if I haven't used or needed it in over a year there's a good chance I don't need it at all. Fresh start.

Life, in fact, for the foreseeable future looks like it's going to just be a series of fresh starts.

I look forward to them all.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

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