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forestwater87 · 4 years

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Every episode of Camp Camp ranked: A very (non)objective list

It's well past the time of year when Season 5 of Camp Camp would've dropped. I fully understand and support it not coming out; the crew's health and safety are much more important than a comfort show.

However . . . man, would it be nice to have some comfort right now.

So I'm reliving the entire series! I've been known to share with the world a whole bunch of Spicy Hot Takes, but I've never really sat down and talked about my feelings about the show as a whole.

And what's the best way to do that? Well, just ask Jenny Nicholson: a numbered list! That is, here's the series ranked from worst episode to best, because I want to get the negativity out of the way early and focus on everything I love (and because people enjoy complaining, so let’s frontload all that).

The takes will be hot. The feelings will be intense. The post, I'm assuming, will be largely unread.

Let's do it!

Oh and duh, there are spoilers. I tried to keep it pretty chill, but you’ll want to have watched the whole show or just not care about spoilers before going forward.

Also slashes in the middle of “naughty words” are meant to prevent this from being kept out of the main tags. Who knows if it’ll work? I don’t.

60. Who Peed the Lake? (Season 4, epis/sode 3)

Ah, good ol' Pi/ss Lake (or as @hopefullypessimistic84 calls it because she's funnier than any of us will ever be, “Pis/s Fe/tish Dot Com”). Terrible, one of the few I’d consider nigh unwatchable. I actually kind of love this episode for being such great shorthand for "the absolute worst one."

Who signed off on an entire episode centered around Sherlock Holmes meets a bad om/o joke? Give me names and addresses: I just want to talk.

59. Reigny Day (Season 1, episode 6)

And nobody was surprised.

I'll admit I'm more willing to defend this episode than many people, but it's not . . . like, good. It seemed okay when there were only 11 other episodes to compare it to, but now that there have been so many bangers, this comes across as extremely weak.

And let’s just say the Na/zi jokes hit a lot differently in 2020 than they did in the summer of 2016.

I’m overall happy with the direction the showrunners have moved Dolph’s character in, and I can’t totally blame them for using a kind of humor that was fairly common in the pre-Trump era, but yikes, this has aged like milk. And it wasn’t even very funny at the time, so it aged like milk that was already pretty bad to begin with.

58. Squirrel Camp (Season 4, episode 10)

This is a dumb one.

Not much else to say; it’s just kinda stupid and lame.

57. Fashion Victims (Season 4, episode 13)

I love Sasha, but this is filler. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing -- I have a couple episodes near the top that could reasonably be called filler, and a valid argument could easily be made that “filler episodes” don’t actually exist in a show with no plot -- but as much as I adore the Flower Scouts and enjoy the handful of good moments we get in this episode . . . who cares? Does anyone really give a sh/it about anything that happens here? Does anyone get their life from this one?

I didn’t think so.

56. Foreign Exchange Campers (Season 3, episode 3)

I know, I know, your Russian waifu came from this episode. Why do you think it’s so low on this list?

Okay, for real: this is . . . fine. It’s fine. It’s fine? I’m not mad at it, it just feels tonally incongruous and not very memorable beyond the fact that the fandom got really weird and kinda gross about Vera. But the episode itself? There’s some cute stuff with Neil and Nikki being jealous, but for the most part it’s a big hunk of white bread with some super mild white cheese that’s kinda soggy from sitting in a bag for too long and getting all condensation-y.

That is to say: it’s fine.

ETA: Space Kid does say “fu/ck.” I can’t decide if that’s a point in the episode’s favor or against it.

This is the last of what I’d call the “bad” episodes. Everything after this ranges from mediocre to mind-blowingly amazing. But whatever our failing tier of Camp Camp episodes is, it stops right about here.

Onto the good stuff!

55. Night of the Living Ill (Season 2 Halloween episode)

I keep switching this with “Eggs Benefits,” which probably means they should be tied. But whatever, this is my list and I am in charge and I’ve finally decided, after like 5 changes, that I like this one a little bit less.

It’s a fun Romero parody with nothing I’d call bad. Really this one’s only so low on the list because I think it’s kinda icky, and looking at those green snotty faces makes me queasy. If you think this is a bad reason to put it near the bottom of the list, then make your own post.

54. Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum (Season 4, episode 11)

I . . . don’t remember this at all. I initially had it a bit higher because I tend to love things with Campbell in them, but then I realized that nothing about this episode stuck in my brain even a little bit.

Oh, this is the “Dolph has autism” episode that made everyone either extremely happy or really mad? Okay. I guess that’s the most remarkable thing about it. Neato.

Cam, I love you, but this was just not the best use of your sleazy charm.

53. Eggs Benefits (Season 2, episode 9)

This is one of those episodes with enough cute moments and good ideas to save it from being totally unmemorable, and I mostly enjoy rewatching. Platypus being a mom is a fabulous idea, and pairing the campers the way they did was mostly really interesting and fun.

The Preston-Nurf stuff takes it down several pretty significant notches, though. It’s what the kids would call problematic, and while I normally enjoy how the show doesn’t skew away from darker themes and jokes, it didn’t really fit either of their characters and just . . . isn’t fun to watch. It’s not especially funny, it’s not especially tragic, it’s just uncomfortable.

52. Camp Campbell Wants YOU! (Season 1, episode 0)

Honestly, this would be a lot higher if it was a full-length episode. It’s funny.

The next 5 or so episodes fall under the “cute but not very memorable” umbrella:

51. Nikki's Last Day on Earth (Season 3, episode 4)

I love the ensemble episodes, so this was always going to score higher than any of the single-character “meh” eps. I didn’t see the twist coming, though I know a lot of other fans did. Textbook example of “cute but not very memorable” -- the Platonic ideal of that concept.

50. The Candy Kingpin (Season 3, episode 9)

A clever idea that plays on Max’s worst characteristics and then calls him out for them, while also giving Dolph some much-needed character development. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it really picks up until the last third of the episode, leaving the rest just kind of sitting there.

49. Campfire Tales (Season 4, episode 13)

Who doesn’t love campfire stories?

That’s all I got. They’re campfire stories.

ETA: OH SH/IT THIS ONE HAS THAT REALLY SCARY STORY! Where David’s all like . . . Slenderman’d. Fu/ck, I didn’t remember that until I was writing out my thoughts for #35 or so. That definitely elevates it, but I’m too tired to try and re-decide where this should go, so just tie it with “New Adventure!”

48. New Adventure! (Season 4, episode 4)

New trio! Focusing on these 3 was a definite risk, and I think it really paid off. While the “plot” itself isn’t anything special, there are a handful of really great side gags (hi, Dirty Kevin!!!!) and it’s fun to see these three interact. They all get some nice character beats. It’s a good time.

47. Something Fishy (Season 3, episode 8)

This might’ve hit me harder if I’d actually seen The Shape of Water, but the send-up works fine without having more than the seen-the-trailer level of understanding. Gwen dresses pretty, which I love; Max sucks, which I also love. What drags this one down is mostly feeling like the surreal aspects of the comedy go a bit too far into the “what the fu/ck am I looking at?” territory without really . . . making an actual joke beyond “look! Wacky!"

Why is David at the opera with a bird? Why??

46. City Survival (Season 3, episode 11)

Literally do not remember a single thing about this episode except David getting mugged and being called a “homeless twi/nk.” That should probably rank it lower on the list, but David being a fluttery mother hen saves it for me -- as does the fact that it leads directly into one of my favorite episodes, and the single best story arc of the series.

Next set of episodes is what I’m going to arbitrarily call “okay! but like the good kind of okay, not the bad kind.”

45. Bonjour Bonquisha (Season 2, episode 7)

Max and Sasha masterminding a scheme is really fun; their dynamic is great (though it won’t be fully realized until Season 4), and heartbroken David is so tragically cute it actually makes my heart explode out of my chest.

Also I can’t resist a good “3 kids in a trench coat” gag.

44. Anti-Social Network (Season 2, episode 2)

Neil is very relatable and I don’t have much else to say about this one. It’s fun to see an episode that more heavily focuses on our nerdy science boy, and Max and Neil teaming up to save Nikki was really charming and sweet and set my Makkiel ship out to sea.

43. A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever (Season 2 holiday episode)

Why does this episode have a musical number? It’s not good.

Okay, that was mean. This is fun and cute and Gwen wears a pretty purple sweatshirt and Space Kid gives her a present and it’s really sweet. But that musical number is an instant fast-forward for me, sorry.

42. Preston Goodplay's Good Play (Season 4, episode 7)

We get some Preston character development! Awesome!

It’s done in a really trippy and surreal way that totally fits his character and heightens the drama of the episode! Awesome!

David has an apparently-tragic history of being a French mime! Not a good call!

Next tier: Some good sh/it! (Tbh, these could all be put in just about any order; they might as well be one massive tie.)

41. Cookin' Cookies (Season 2, episode 11)

I love the Flower Scouts. I love Dirty Kevin. I love the idea of accidentally starting a dru/g empire. Another weird, borderline experimental one focusing on side characters, and I think it works better than “New Adventure!” because the scale of the melodrama is just so over-the-top.

The fact that this is in the bottom 20 but I have nothing but good things to say about it illustrates how dang good this show is. It’s only getting better from here, folks!

40. Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected (Season 1, episode 7)

Preston is a terrible playwright. This makes sense, because he’s like 11, but he’s the kind of hilariously bad I wish I’d been as a preteen, because his play is absolutely bonkers. Max fucking with David is great, Tabii vs. Bonquisha is great, Bonquisha in general is a giant amazonian goddess and I want to be swept up into her giant arms. Neil is . . . a robot, for some reason?

So much fun!

39. Camp Cool Kidz (Season 1, episode 4)

I don’t love Ered’s characterization in this one, but there are a lot of wacky hijinks in this episode that I think make it really enjoyable. Max’s wide-eyed revolutionary naïveté is a fun change from his usual dour pessimism, and Nikki’s loyalty to Ered is both very gay and very charming. Plus we get to learn a bit more about how the camp operates (and fails to operate), and it’s a nice way to better establish the campsite as its own setting.

(Definitely think “Cool” should’ve been spelled with a K though. But whatever, I don’t write for the show.)

38. Scout's Dishonor (Season 1, episode 3)

The birth of Neeancy! The introduction of the Flower and Wood Scouts! Neil saying “cu/nt” -- one of the first and only truly shocking uses of profanity in the entire show! ZUKO!

I don’t know if my fondness for this one is rooted mostly in nostalgia or if it was actually really fun, but I enjoyed the he/ll out of it. Not as highly-rated as some other episodes mostly because it doesn’t really do anything, character or story-wise, but not every episode needs to be a massive game-changer that drowns us in feels. Sometimes it’s enough to have a fun romp, and this is very that.

37. Ered Gets Her Cool Back (Season 3, episode 2)

Awww, Ered. I have a soft spot for her, because I love the archetype of a spoiled bit/ch clearly still figuring out how to be a person and have friends. You really get the sense of her as a teenager trying to sort her shi/t out in this episode, which I would love to see more of. Her interactions with Nerris are top-tier, and I like that it’s a continuation of how her character’s been softening since Season 1 into this kind of big-sister figure.

Also, all the female campers in this show are lesbians. I do not make the rules.

36. Attack of the Nurfs (Season 4, episode 2)

I feel like this is a pretty underrated episode. But then again, I feel like Nurf is a pretty underrated character, so maybe that’s just my own personal bias.

I really enjoyed all the different iterations of Nurf, and I think Blaine did a killer job giving each one its own personality and life. It’s a fun episode that plays hard with cartoon physics (a 3D printer printing people! I love it!) and has a surprisingly moving ending.

At least, that’s what I think. Most other people seem to find this one pretty forgettable. Again: make your own da/mn list. I liked it.

35. Mascot (Season 1, episode 2)

This entire episode is memorable for so many things, but a few of my favorites:

David is established as kind of a di/ck.

Platypus arrives and kicks all the as/s.

Quartermaster is the best.

Nerris, Harrison, and Space Kid all get little moments to show off how cute they are.

Neil and Nikki bonding.

This:

34. Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak (Season 2, episode 3)

I love watching Nerris and Harrison bicker, and Neil and Nikki fit really well into their group. It reminds me of being a kid, and of playing Dungeons & Dragons (as an adult, because I’m so cool), and of summer . . . which is a really good thing for this show. There are a lot of funny one-liners, and it’s just a good dang time.

33. Quartermaster Appreciation Day (Season 2, episode 6)

I don’t think this one is all that well-loved, but I thought it was funny. There are literally zero important plot or character moments, but it made me laugh a lot, and that’s all I need a Camp Camp episode to do.

I love QM, and the more we learn about him, the more confused and disturbed we end up being. What a fu/cking champion.

32. Arrival of the Torso Takers (Season 3 Halloween episode)

I lowkey hated this one when it came out, because I knew the Daniel stans were going to be exhausting. And they kind of were? But looking back, it’s a great way to reintroduce this motherfu/cker. He’s a lot scarier than he was the last time around -- but also less competent, which is a great way to kick him in the proverbial ba/lls -- and while I wish it had a lot more Gwen in it, it’s a clever and creative Halloween episode.

31. Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot (Season 3, episode 10)

Charlie . . . Tango . . . Foxtrot . . . CTF . . . OH! Capture the Flag! I never got that before. Oh, that’s neat. I love this show.

Listen, every time the writers decide to take a risk and do something bizarre and creative, I’m going to be here for it at least a little bit. An entire episode told from the POV of the Woodscouts, explaining how hard they failed in all directions? A great gag where everyone in Petrol’s story talks in grunts? The return of Jermy Fartz?! Fantastic.

30. Panicked Room (Season 4, episode 16)

Listen. I’m a sucker for my trash grandpa; anything Campbell-centric is probably going to be pretty good (except #54), because he’s just one of the most consistently funny and engaging characters. Good times are had whenever this terrible man is on the screen, and giving him a romantic backstory? A tragic romantic backstory full of mistakes and emotional damage?? One where he waited 17 YEARS for the love of his life???

We have no choice but to stan.

29. Party Pooper (Season 4, episode 15)

I’m so predictable. If you put Gwen in something, I will be happy. If you make an entire episode about how Gwen is under-appreciated and overworked and just trying to do her best despite the circumstances, I will dedicate my firstborn child to you.

Anyway, this episode is really sweet, and I liked the unexpected direction the writers took her relationship with her dad. He seems like a nice guy, they seem like they have a nice relationship, and . . . well, an episode about how hard it is to be an adult millennial hit pretty hard. Plus this was just a really pretty episode -- and not just because Gwen was in so much of it! Seriously, that night sky was a thing of beauty.

Also if you say a fuc/king word about Max and that godda/mn dog I will choke you out with your own intestines. Few things are more hilariously, annoyingly ironic than the fact that the entire fandom ignored and failed to appreciate Gwen . . . in the episode all about how everyone ignores and fails to appreciate Gwen.

28. Culture Day (Season 3 holiday episode)

Now, would it be arrogant to point out that I had the idea for a Culture/Heritage Day back in September 2018? Yes, especially since I don’t think the writers ever read fanfiction and it has literally nothing to do with this episode. Will that stop me? He/ll no it will not! I am a creature of ego! Read my stuff!

Anyway, this is a really fun look at Neil’s background, personality, and relationships. Max looking out for him is just . . . oh my god, I cannot, I’ve written like 30 of these and my brain is starting to melt, but these two are so cute. I love arrogant Neil, and I love protective Max, and I love QM and Gwen fuc/king over the Flower Scouts to save the day. Everything about this episode is lovely.

27. Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper (Season 3, episode 7)

This should not be ranked so high (even if these are all essentially tied). This is a dumb episode based on a really, really dumb premise.

But . . . I don’t know what to tell you. “Samboy Kidwell,” Max realizing he and Campbell are disturbingly similar and not liking what his future could look like, David’s “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” face . . . this episode happens to hit all of my favorite things. It had a really good balance of heavy-handed moralizing and goofs, it was part of the most graceful lead-up into a finale the show has ever had, and I’m just all about it.

Excellent job, Samboy. Count Olaf would be proud of your disguise.

There ends the “some good sh/it” tier. We’re starting to get into the really excellent stuff now!

26. Parents' Day (Season 2, episode 12)

I know. You want this to be higher. I hear you.

Honestly I’m kind of shocked it’s this high; it’s my least favorite of the season finales so far, and I had to push past a lot of prejudice to actually rank this where I think it deserves to be, as opposed to somewhere in the like mid-40s. Mostly because it gave fuel to the raging inferno of “Max has terrible parents and David should adopt him” headcanons, which I’ve detailed my problems with extensively in the past (in a post that, statistically speaking, none of you have read).

But, trying to be objective: is this episode actually any good?

Well . . . yeah, it really is.

So much work was put into giving each of the campers families that make sense with their characters and bounce absurdly well off of them, ranging from wholesome and adorable (Nerris’s family) to quietly tragic (Harrison’s parents), and they’re all designed so well; they’re fun to look at and fun to watch interact with the kids and each other. (The only exception is Dolph’s dad, who is both kinda lame and misattributes the cause of the weird Na/zi thing because it did not come from Germany, I assure you. But things with Dolph are always a little off, and I don’t really know how you would give him a backstory that actually works with the character, so they were caught between a rock and a hard place there.)

The drama of David having to choose between the man he considers his father and the camp he considers his home is really touching, and him and Gwen choosing to take a sad camper out to get pizza instead of covering for their boss’s a/ss is such a beautiful moment for both of them that I can’t really blame the fandom for losing their mind over it. Campbell’s arrest leading into the arcs of the next two seasons was great as well, and the finale left us all with this weird sense of foreboding because we didn’t know what was going to happen next; it was the only finale that actually ended on something close to a cliffhanger, while still being satisfying enough to keep us all from melting down.

Plus, it’s funny. Carl and Candy are really funny and the idea of Neil and Nikki’s parents boning is funny in a horrible way. The joke about Quartersister is funny. It’s a good episode.

Should this be higher? Maybe, but I can’t bring myself to put it above the rest of these episodes. Again: make your own list.

25. Mind Freakers (Season 1, episode 10)

The episode that launched a thousand ships. Assuming those ships are all Harrison/Neil, anyway.

It’s hard to talk about these Season 1 episodes because they feel so classic. Like, what is there to say? You’ve all seen it a couple dozen times; I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Harrison is a di/ck, Neil is possibly an even bigger di/ck, and magic may or may not be real. (Though spoilers for literally every season: yes, magic is definitely real.) It’s so much fun watching these two smug as/sholes snipe at each other in an almost literal playground hair-pulling way that could very easily be read as flirtation.

And the fandom did most certainly read it that way, at least for a little while.

24. Gwen Gets a Job (Season 2, episode 8)

It’s Gwen. What, was I supposed to not put it this high?

This was the first Gwen-centric episode, and it absolutely slaps. She’s pushed to the breaking point and responds by being a cold-hearted BAMF, and it got her some pretty significant hate from fans but I don’t give a fu/ck, I loved it. We got to see her all dolled up, and then we got to see her all disheveled, and both of those looks were gorgeous. David gives her a tiny fragment of the love and validation she deserves (I don’t know if this is when gwenvid started taking off -- I think it wasn’t really until “Parents’ Day,” or even Season 3 -- but I ate that s/hit up).

Also, again: job hunting post-2008. It’s a bad time, y’all. Camp Camp gets it.

23. Follow the Leader (Season 4, episode 6)

Yeah, I was kind of surprised at how high this landed, too. I guess I’m just a sucker for unlikely companionships, and these three have a great chemistry. The combination of competitiveness, sass, and reluctant admiration make their interactions a lot of fun. Their motivation of doing petty errands for Campbell for the sake of getting at the Box of Illegal Contraband is a great framework too, with high enough stakes to justify all sorts of wacky shenanigans without causing actual anxiety.

I want to see these characters forced to spend more time together. Please, RT, make that happen.

22. Escape from Camp Campbell (Season 1, episode 1)

In terms of numbers, this feels so low, but considering everything from about #45 on is ranked as at least decent, this is actually a pretty high rating. There are 21 episodes I’d call better than this, but these decisions were all pretty painful.

This introduces us to everyone! The main trio, the counselors, Mr. Campbell; we get a snapshot of the major personalities running around the camp, the major points of conflict (Max vs. David, primarily), the major building blocks of future episodes, setting, and relationships . . .

Again, I don’t know how much of my love for this episode is nostalgia -- there’s a lot of squeeing at familiar faces and gags; this is the first time David gets hit by a bus!!! -- but it was a fun and funny introduction to a series that’s ended up being so important to me, and I’m so grateful this wonderful, quirky little show with its wonderful and quirky little premiere.

Of all the episodes, I really can’t look at this one objectively. It’s too important.

21. The Fun-Raiser (Season 3, episode 1)

David and Gwen scheming is my ki/nk. They very rarely scheme together, but every single time their teamwork makes the dream work (or, more frequently, makes the dream fail horribly and have disastrous consequences) my soul flies out of my body and takes to the stars, where I write another 500 first chapters to gwenvid fanfics I’ll probably never finish.

This is a great follow-up to “Parents’ Day,” where we immediately see the consequences of the previous season finale and what happens when the one adult in the camp disappears. Mr. Campbell was a terrible adult, true, but at least he was smart enough not to steal QM’s hook. Like . . . whose plan was this? It was so bad. These two are hilariously incompetent sometimes -- often when their bad ideas are feeding off of each other, actually, a la this and “Space Camp Was a Hoax” -- and watching them frantically try and keep all their balls in the air is so great.

The ending is satisfying, too; a bit graphic, in keeping with a show that tends to keep the violence limited to periodic spurts of bloodshed 1-2 times a season and mostly pretty mild the rest of the time, but between Max stepping up and fixing everything while still being his shi/tty self to our dear dumba/ss counselors getting their dumb as/ses handed to them (deservedly so, if we’re being honest) . . . it’s such a great note to begin a new season on.

20. Journey to Spooky Island (Season 1, episode 5)

A classic.

We get to meet our spooky boy Jasper, we get to watch the comedy trio play off each other and continue to sketch out the general contours of their friendship, and we get to see the Quartermaster with a big purple dil/do for a hand. What’s not to love?

19. The Butterfinger Effect (Season 4, episode 17)

CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES! GET YOUR CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES HERE!

I’ve already gone into some pretty intense detail about why I think this one is actually really good and carries the theme of embracing change that everything about Season 4 was centered around, but none of y’all read that so here it is in short: this episode is super funny, almost all of the campers’ transformations work really well as extensions of their characters while still being strange and surprising, and the fact that Nurf creates all of these problems by trying to solve them is deliciously fun to watch in a karmic sort of way.

Or maybe it’s just because any Nurf-centric episode is going to rank pretty highly for me. That is also possible.

18. Space Camp Was a Hoax (Season 2, episode 10)

Our camp counselors being bad people: it’s my drug of choice.

We get Space Kid tripping balls in what might be one of the funniest sequences in the show, the entire camp coming together to try and pull off the stupidest, most impossible task (and kinda maybe almost nailing it???), and once again the fun of watching Gwen and David scramble to keep from getting caught in their boss’s shit/ty lies is so great. And Lindsay’s voice acting is absolutely killer, even more so than usual.

17. Jermy Fartz (Season 2, episode 4)

I get the sense this might be a somewhat controversial one.

I’ve written before about why I think this episode is a lot of fun, but it mostly boils down to two things: watching the campers try (and fail) to be nice to the most bully-able person on the entire planet, and the essential likeableness of Jermy.

No, really.

I think a lot of people were put off by Jermy’s general grossness, because . . . my god is he disgusting, but he’s also polite and good-natured, and seems totally self aware of how difficult he is to be around, without letting it make him depressed. He’s cheerful in a weirdly downbeat way that’s impossible to understand until you see him in action. He’s so matter-of-fact about his own awfulness in a way that I found entirely endearing. I don’t think I’d want him at my camp, either, but get that kid to a good dermatologist and gastroenterologist, teach him some basic hygiene and social skills, and you’ll have quite a little gentleman there.

I do however find it hilarious that apparently David got the type of tree wrong when making fun of Jermy. Not only is that a great moment for reveling in David being an as/shole, but he didn’t even have the right wood. F/ucking idiot. I love him so much.

These last ones are my favorites! (Well, duh, that’s how this whole ranking thing works.) Maybe not perfect, but just really good and with limitless rewatch value.

16. St. Campbell's Day (Season 4 holiday episode)

They Grinch’d Camp Camp. Those brilliant bast/ards, they really pulled it off.

Ignoring the fact that David is truly frightening-looking for most of the episode, this is a great bookend to Season 4, following up on the theme established in the first episode about how David is a flawed and selfish human being despite trying his best not to be.

This is another one I was surprised to find so high on the list, but the more I thought about it the more I realizes how good it is. David being a jerk is always one of my favorite storylines, and the fact that the trouble comes from him trusting Mr. Campbell too little instead of too much is a nice twist on the usual formula. Gwen coming to help him out despite a blistering hangover gave me aggressive shipping feels, yes, obviously.

Between a lot of really funny little gags like QM’s failed satanic ritual and the genuinely touching moral about the importance of spending time with the people you love, it’s just a really lovely episode that gets just the right amount of maudlin for the holiday season.

15. Jasper Dies at the End (Season 2, episode 5)

I kept switching this and “Dial M for Jasper”; it was a really difficult decision to make, figuring out where these two belonged. I think in the end, while the John Dies at the End reference was very, very good, this one loses me a little bit by being told from David’s perspective. Now, normally the more David is in an episode the more I’ll be likely to love it (see my #1 for proof of that), but his blinders when it comes to the camp and Mr. Campbell result in a really funny story, but one without the same emotional heft as hearing about what happened from Jasper’s point of view.

That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for what it needs to be: each Jasper episode builds on the previous ones, and having the same intensity of “Dial M for Jasper,” where we learn how he died and how his relationship with David fell apart, would be weird and heavy at this point. In Season 1 we just found out he’s a ghost (and eagle-eyed viewers realized he’d been a camper with David); in Season 2 we find out how David views their friendship and time at camp; and in Season 3 we get Jasper’s perspective. It’s an absolutely wonderful raising of the stakes (for lack of a better term), but the one that packs more of an emotional punch is going to rank a bit higher than the one that’s mostly just for laughs.

That being said: there are plenty of laughs in this one. Everyone -- Griffin, Miles, Travis, the animators -- nailed this one, and it gets funnier every time I watch it.

14. Camporee (Season 1, episode 11)

AKA the episode where Forest realized she was in love with Gwen.

What a great idea for an episode, seriously. Every coming-of-age story has a talent show or a competition or a big game -- something where the kiddos can show off their improved skills and teamwork to beat their bullies or whatever. And this show has both kinds of bullies: the popular girly girls and the violent muscleheads. What a great moment to pull everyone together and show how friendship can help us accomplish anything!

Except . . . of course that’s not what happens. Of course they’re absolute garbage, and of course teamwork isn’t the answer. Gwen is the perfect foil for David here, being the anti-teamwork, anti-Camp-Campbell adult who can perfectly and effortlessly undermine David’s relentless optimism. David wants so badly for his campers to live in the same coming-of-age summer movie he did as a child, and their staunch refusal to do that leads to a really heartbreaking closer to the episode, as well as lead into the next one. Everything about this, from the challenges to the setup to Gwen shouting “we are winning this FUC/KING trophy!” is just gold.

13. David Gets Hard (Season 1, episode 9)

We have David. We have Nurf. We have Gwen. We have Max trying to be helpful in the shi/ttiest way possible.

We have all the makings of a da/mn good episode. And they deliver. Not a very emotionally intense or moving one, but so, so funny.

12. Dial M for Jasper (Season 3, episode 5)

This isn’t the fate any of us expected for Jasper, and it’s not the fate of a lot of people wanted. But godda/mn it, it worked. The constant bait-and-switch the episode keeps playing with, where you keep waiting for something really dramatic and tragic to happen . . . and then the reality is that Jasper died because Mr. Campbell was stupid and careless, and it was all just a horribly sad accident.

It’s anticlimactic, but in a way that suits the series, both as a comedic counterpoint to all the hype throughout the episode and as a way to establish that Cameron Campbell is a bad man first and foremost through selfishness and laziness, not Daniel-esque sinister evil. Jasper’s death was totally avoidable and totally Campbell’s fault, and while that’s sad, it also adds a weird sort of lightness to the episode. David didn’t do something terrible to kill his best friend, Jasper didn’t kill himself, and without having actively chosen to murder a child (well, not this time), the door remains open for fans accepting Campbell’s later pseudo-redemption. It was just an accident, and Jasper was “haunting” David to tell him that he was sorry for how their friendship ended. That’s really sweet, actually.

I think it’s the best way this reveal could’ve gone, and I’m so impressed with how they pulled it all off.

11. Into Town (Season 1, episode 8)

This might actually be the only flawless episode in the entire show. I mean, I call a lot of them flawless, and I mean that on an emotional level -- “I love this so much I cannot see anything wrong with it” -- but this one is a masterpiece of storytelling. All the technical jumbo I’m bad at, like planting and payoff and tension and all of that, is just perfect.

I feel like this is the kind of claim that needs to be backed up with a long-as/s essay full of citations and video clips and references to, like, Joseph Campbell or something, but this is my 49th entry in the list so I am not going to be doing that. Besides, I don’t think my English degree qualifies me to critique film/animation; I don’t even entirely know half the terms I’ve used to compliment this episode. Someone else please explain why this is such a good one.

10. The Quarter-Moon Convergence (Season 4, episode 5)

I’ve mentioned in other entries that the weird, surreal humor sometimes doesn’t work; it feels too much like being odd for its own sake, and sometimes gets so distracted in being surreal that it forgets to include anything funny or meaningful.

This . . . is not one of those.

Putting Harrison and QM together is a stroke of genius; the two of them are literally the most magical beings in the entire show, and using them as the conveyance for this great Lovecraftian horror-comedy was such a good idea. I don’t know if we’ll ever see these two interact in another episode -- honestly, this felt a bit like lightning in a bottle, and I have a hard time imagining what could possibly bring them together again -- but if this is the only episode we get, it is such a fantastic one.

Harrison makes a really good everyman, despite his powers; he’s just the right amount of confident and insecure to pull off that wide-eyed apprentice to QM’s grizzled wise mentor. (The fact that QM is objectively a terrible mentor is beside the point.) I still don’t entirely know what the two of them accomplished, but it feels baffling and momentous, with the perfect amount of gravity to make things extremely tense all the way through to the end.

Also, I guess God is an octopus? That’s kinda cool. I like octopuses.

9. Camp Corp. (Season 3, episode 12)

Another unpopular opinion? Oh ho ho, I am so contrary! I am Not Like Other Fans! I am the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, refusing to have the same opinions of all you prepz.

I know this wasn’t the most well-loved episode, but I think it did a really great job tying together story threads woven throughout Season 3: Max’s selfishness leading to him hurting other people, his growing realization that he cares about his friends and the camp itself, the parallels between him and Mr. Campbell (and the fact that they both get this redemption moment in the finale).

This is the most Max-centric season, focusing on his flaws and character growth, and they pulled it off in a really organic way that felt faithful to his character, touching without being too maudlin. The fact that his feelings about the camp are echoed in Gwen, Neil and Nikki, the other campers, and even Mr. Campbell drives home how important the camp -- and David -- are to this strange little family.

Each season, Max reluctantly becomes a better person, without changing the fundamental core of who he is. That’s a really hard putt for the writers and Michael, and I’m blown away every finale by how they so consistently nail it.

8. Time Crapsules (Season 4, episode 18)

Gwen-centric? Check.

Max learning how to be a better person while still being the bratty kid we know and love? Check.

Looks at one of the most under-appreciated character dynamics in the entire show (i.e., Max and Gwen)? Checkity check-check-check.

I don’t really have much to say about this one, which I should: it was considered a pretty serious letdown to a lot of fans, and I’m not sure how to explain why I loved it so much.

Comparing Max from “The Order of the Sparrow” to Max from this episode is wild. It’s not like 2 different characters: they’re still very obviously the same cynical, self-absorbed 10-year-old trying to survive summer camp. But he’s become a more considerate friend and decent version of that kid, and it’s great to watch. The moment where he and Gwen go too far and immediately regret snapping at each other is still painful (on my god, the VAs in this show, they’re so talented), Nikki and Neil both get nice subplots about how they’re also growing up, and the ending is fuc/king hilarious, perfectly breaking the tension from Campbell’s speech, which is both beautifully done and important to hear, especially if you’re in a period of uncomfortable transition (like, say, in your late 20s, or living through about 5 different national and global catastrophes).

And okay, I found that speech on the wiki for this episode and it made me deeply emotional, so here:

Here's the thing: you've got to take your failures and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell for instance: a lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the camp realized that the camp would never reach the end of its path until it was ready or until it gave up. So, if the camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

If this is the last episode of Camp Camp we ever get -- and for at least a little while, it looks like it’s going to be -- I can’t think of a sweeter, funnier, and more lovely bittersweet note for this show to go out on.

7. The Lake Lilac Summer Social (Season 3, episode 6)

And again: No one was surprised.

This is the longest non-finale episode of the show, and it uses that time perfectly. Rather than having some big emotional moments and character arcs -- which are great, don’t get me wrong -- the writers use the extended time to build a series of shenanigans as complicated as Gwen’s matchmaking web, and watching her try to set up a series of dominos (with David, for once, being the responsible, level-headed one) is almost as satisfying as the catastrophic results.

Neil and Snake steal this episode, even from someone as in love with Gwen as I am, and for an episode that’s largely about making fun of shippers, there hasn’t been one that launched nearly as many ships as this. Neil/Snake? Tabii/Erin? Max/Nikki? GWENVID?! It’s all here, and I am here for it.

It was also fun to get a traditional episode setup in a very non-traditional show. I assume this means the beach and/or hot springs episode is forthcoming. (No, Pis/s Lake doesn’t count. Obviously it doesn’t count.)

6. Keep the Change (Season 4, episode 1)

Again, this is an episode I’ve said a lot about in the past -- and I was pretty uncharitable toward Season 3, which in retrospect was very unse/xy of me -- but I stand by a lot of my opinions then: this is a fu/cking great episode.

David is an as/shole, Max is an as/shole, Campbell is an as/shole. No one escapes the as/sholery. David schemes, Max catches him in the scheme, Campbell gets drunk and kind of gay . . . I’m 54 entries into this list and I don’t have much to say anymore: it’s just really good and fun and I love it.

5. Camp Loser Says What? (Season 4, episode 9)

This is another one I kind of hated when it came out, and again for fandom-related and personal-grudge reasons.

Fu/cking Daniel. That motherfu/cker. He shows up for 12 minutes and Tumblr bursts into flames. Every single time.

However, it’s really hard not to love this one. Daniel-as-Trump is a clever but subtle -- I mean, for this show’s definition of subtle -- allegory, and it’s amazing how much this slimy freak and the Woodscouts slot into it. David is a bise/xual disaster with the absolute worst taste in men, Dirty Kevin and Daniel are onscreen together for all of 2.5 seconds and the kevdan shippers lost their minds, and Xemug looks like Megamind for some weird reason.

My only minor complaint is that the ending is a bit anticlimactic, but it plays on Daniel’s stupidity and the value of teamwork, so it’s a very small nitpick in an episode that mostly works like gangbusters.

4. Cult Camp (Season 2, episode 1)

Duh. There’s a really good song and we’re introduced to a charismatic, sinister, and totally dumba/ss villain. What’s not to like?

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this episode. Season 2 started off the summer by throwing a lit firecracker directly at the viewer’s face, and ignoring the fact that we as a fandom proceeded to eat each other, it’s impossible not to get caught up in the episode’s wild energy.

And dude, that song. Fabulous. Fu/ck Daniel, but thank god he’s around to be such a prickly little pri/ck.

Now for the top 3: Literally perfect, wouldn’t change a single solitary thing.

3. After Hours (Season 4, episode 8)

I’m not sure anyone loved this episode as much as me. But this is my list, and I will put this up at the top if I want to and you cannot stop me.

It’s much easier in a lot of ways to talk about the episodes I hated than the ones I love this much. What do I say besides “literally everything about this fills me with joy and my life is better because it exists”? I don’t know. The counselors are my favorite characters, and between Gwen and QM having the weirdest bonding experience, Gwen getting to meet up with people who care about her silly fanfiction, Mr. Campbell being the trash grandpa of my dreams, David getting in way over his head . . . it’s the episode I always wanted, and they made it work so well.

Also, I just discovered that “Gwen Isn’t Your Mother So Stop Asking Her to Rinse Your Dishes” is an actual song and I am overwhelmed with delight. Here, I’m embedding it as well as linking because it’s so good:

youtube

God. This show. What the fu/ck even is up with this amazing, weird-as/s show.

2. The Order of the Sparrow (Season 1, episode 12)

Duh.

The entire first season is a great time (except “Reigny Day”), but it’s a pretty low-stakes kind of great time. There isn’t much in terms of emotional depth until the very end of “Camporee,” despite some hints at darker themes in one-off jokes and quick asides, so this episode comes a bit out of left field, tonally speaking.

But that’s not a bug, it’s a feature; if the show had been this overtly emotional from the outset, this finale wouldn’t hit as hard, and the rest of the season wouldn’t be as funny.

This manages to serve as a capstone to the conflict of the first season, building on episodes like “Into Town” and “Escape from Camp Campbell” in a way that feels totally natural for both David and Max’s characters while revealing new sides of them. It works because it’s so unexpected, but it doesn’t come across as incongruous with their personalities. It’s the first and only time David swears in all 4 seasons, and that line -- I don’t even need to say it, you know exactly what I’m talking about -- still gives me chills.

Also, Gwen sings the camp theme song. Impossible not to cherish.

1. The Forest (Season 4, episode 12)

I’m not sure if this one is a surprise or not. It might be the obvious first place, or it might be a bit of an oddball for some people.

I had a really hard time choosing between this and “The Order of the Sparrow”; I switched their places half a dozen times, and the difference in quality between the two is razor-thin. I think part of that is because it accomplishes a lot of what “Order of the Sparrow” does: puts David in a situation where he’s pushed to his absolute emotional and physical capacity, crushes every shred of hope he has left, and sees what he’s actually made of when you strip everything away. It’s much more dramatic this time around, but it’s the same basic concept.

And just like in the Season 1 finale, what we see is a man who’s determined to do good even when he isn’t rewarded for it, even when he’s actively punished for it. Who wants to love nature, and life, and make the world a better place -- despite his faults, his selfishness and thoughtlessness and anger, David proves that he is fundamentally kind. He’s not nearly as deludedly optimistic as he seems; he just refuses to stop trying.

Because somebody fuc/king has to.

I’ll admit, some of what puts this one in first place is that I’m a sucker for whump, and David really goes through the ringer. However, I also think it’s important to acknowledge the risk Joe Nicolosi took with writing this episode: it’s all centered around a single character, it’s darker and more viscerally bloody than any other episode in the show’s history, the art is focused on these grand sweeping backgrounds that must’ve taken forever to paint, and there’s very little talking in a show that runs 99% on clever dialogue. This could have so easily backfired -- and for some fans it did -- but it was brave and beautiful and breathtaking.

I’ve actually only watched this in full once. It’s really hard to get through; it’s just so intense and even disturbing. But if there’s one episode I'll remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m 80 years old and haven’t seen the show in years, it’ll be “The Forest.”

It’s funny how such a sharp departure from the format and style of the rest of the show somehow manages to perfectly capture the heart of it. Talk about a fuc/king achievement.

So what have we learned?

I don’t entirely know what the purpose of this whole exercise was. I think it was mostly to get myself a nice Camp Camp fix that came from something other than slogging through 20 different fanfic WIPs, and to remind myself of what a strange and fun ride the last 4 summers have been.

I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Camp Camp means to me. This show has been hugely important to me on a personal level: I met two of my best friends through this fandom, and I’ve never been more connected to a community or readers than I have with CC. I know I bi/tch about this fandom a lot, but it’s a big extended internet family, and I’m so happy to be a part of it. Going through all these episodes, getting the chance to ramble about the things I liked and the things I didn’t, was a great way to reconnect with a series and community that I love.

So . . . what have we learned?

1. Season 4 was all over the place.

Some of this has to be due to the sheer volume of episodes, but when I sat down and organized everything into tiers:

There isn’t a single category Season 4 doesn’t have at least one episode in. I was surprised to see how high a lot of them ended up; it really was the best and worst of the show so far.

For the fun of it, I decided to give a number to each placement -- 60 points for the #1 episode, 59 for #2, etc. -- and see how each season broke down. Because that’s that kind of thing I think is worthwhile, apparently. And . . .

2. Seasons 1 and 4 are really good, actually.

Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised to see how well Season 1 stacked up; it was amazing. But I was surprised to see how much I ended up enjoying Seasons 3 and 4, when if you’d asked me before this little project, I would’ve said they were the most underwhelming. Maybe I messed up the numbers a bit -- I’m no mathmagician -- but not only are they all really close, but Season 4 was one of my favorites.

3. This entire show is really good, actually.

One thing that really struck me when I put it all together visually is how most of the episodes sit in the “good,” “really good,” or “amazing” categories. The amount of episodes that are memorable, fun, and/or emotionally resonant is crazy. I don’t now how many other tiny cult-hit web series can say the same, honestly, and all of the writers, animators, directors/producers/other people whose jobs I don’t really understand, and voice actors should be commended for their outstanding talent and hard work.

4. Thank you, Camp Camp.

It was a real pleasure to relive all of these episodes again and think about what they meant to me. It won’t be the last time I sit down and watch this show -- and it certainly won’t be the end of my being a shrieking fangirl over it -- but with this break, where we have to get through a blazing, extremely difficult summer without a new season to fawn over, it’s nice to stop and appreciate what a precious gem of a show this is.

I hope everyone involved with Rooster Teeth is taking a much-deserved rest and prioritizing their health and well-being. Thank you for creating something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

#campcamp #camp camp roosterteeth #thank you RT Animation for giving me my life these past 4 years #cc david #cc max #cc gwen #i'm not tagging all the characters #campcamp masterpost #i really hope this doesn't get hidden from the tags but #guys this was a super intense labor of love please check it out #but also reading it is also a super intense labor so i get it if you don't XD

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shaekingshitup · 4 years

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Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

#bumble #first date #drive in #story time #short stime #i need my mutuals to pray for me #because lordt #deadpool #ryan reynolds #ari lennox #personal #mine #big time sigh #im sorry I can't add the keep reading tab on mobile tk!

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escritorian · 4 years

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How to (not) be an Adventurer by Althea Dawnwind Chapter 2 - Role models

All right, so I figure if he’s going to hear all this the first time around, anyway, I may as well keep recording. Or...asking him to transcribe, I guess. We talked about it.

While I take no offence to your choice of pronouns, I feel I should remind you I have no gender.

Gotcha. Sorry.

No need to apologize.

Thanks. Still sorry. Wait, so is all this side commentary getting transcribed, too?

Yes.

Lovely. Perfect. All right, whatever. Let’s go.

So there are a bunch of new people at the house. Most of them are super cool, but one of them’s a total creeper.

Predictably, Julia’s hot into the creeper. (Ugh, her taste) But whatever. Her romantic graveyard. Let her dig it. Besides, I’m sure Galen would never let this guy actually hurt Julia. (If he could actually hurt Julia). It does make me wonder about why he lets this skeezeball travel with him, though. I mean, I guess he’s not always the most perceptive, but-

Whatever. I’m getting off topic.

Can journals be said to have an incorrect topic, properly?

Shush. Anyway, they were all just here, suddenly, talking about the pact and my plague and my future. I wanted to scream, but I was just so tired and scared. I think I’d have accepted anything that gave me hope at that point.

Okay. No. Wait. Not anything. They were saying in some alternate past (?), they thought I was about to make a pact with some god of entropy? And honestly, that just sounds bad all around. Like sure, okay, I was pretty sure mine wasn’t one of those cases of spell plague you live through, you know? But some things are just worse than death.

Honestly, I was- am really offended that they thought so little of me. Okay not “they,” really. I barely even know most of them, but Galen…I really though at least he’d have some respect for my integrity. I thought maybe he could see me as more than just the little sister who needs protecting and can’t be trusted to make her own decisions I only even made this pact because everyone seemed so sure it was my best shot. And I- I mean, I wanted to live. Guilty, okay? Who doesn’t?

I felt the same, Althea

Yeah. So… yeah.

It is not wrong to wish or fight for life.

Thanks, Sha- uh, do you have like, a nickname I can use or anything?

Shadhavar is the only name I have ever known.

Wow, that’s…kind of sad. For the record, you can call me Thea. It’s what everyone in the family calls me.

I thank you, Thea.

Ha. Ummm. I was about to say I was smiling, you know, to transcribe it? The idea? Feeling? But, what is it, really? Can you even smile here?

There is no physical form or structure here to demarcate itself into what you call a smile. The underlying ideas and feelings that cause the smile, however, can be recorded.

Oh. Cool. I mean, no really. Seriously. Cool. Anyway, what was I saying?

Is this question rhetorical?

Um, yes? I mean it was, but you can- you know.

Those who found me presented you the possibility of a pact.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it, and I said yes.

Do you regret having done so?

Pfff, no. I’m not going to pretend I understand the full implications of having formed a soul bond with an ancient, sentient sword-bridge-focus thing born from both the feywild and the shadowfell? But it’s for serious better than the alternative. I can say that with total confidence right now.

Anyway, most of Galen’s new friends seemed like they really cared for me despite having just met me. It was weird, but also kind of nice? Oh! And Galen’s girlfriend. (!) Apparently she left after everyone else but flew here the whole way to catch up!

Bad.

Ass.

And they all helped him defeat a death priest (or something) who was after me. I mean, okay. Julia helped. That…doesn’t count for nothing, I guess. I know mom and Nicon have trained her a lot and she’s freelanced a bit without telling mom. But now I have this whole group that seems like they’re sticking around for a bit? And maybe giving me some lessons?

This. Is going. To rule.

I also intend to provide you with instruction regardless of anyone else’s actions.

Really?!

Yes.

That’s…Ioun’s Wisdom, I don’t even know what to say! This is…am I going to cry? Fuck. No. I’m not going to start crying in here. Quick. Help me out.

Focus your mind on a task. You’ve mentioned these friends of your brother, but only just. Describe them.

Y-yeah. *sniff* Okay, yeah.

Breathe deeply and slowly.

Nono, I’m okay. It’s okay. Thanks. I’ve got this. Okay, strong feelings first. Let’s start with that creeper.

So, Creeper Creepzoidington is basically like a broody shadow who shoots everyone dirty looks, and I don’t say he’s a shadow because he’s drow. Like, that’d be rude and also really inaccurate. I say it cause this guy loves shadows. Like, he loooves them - practically lives in them. They’re his home and they keep him safe and warm. Nicon says he’s already stolen from them, and I think the only time I’ve heard him talk was to swear. So yeah, whatever his deal is, I am not training with him.

Then there’s this other drow, Phaedra. I mean, I only point out they’re drow because they’re supposed to be really rare. Surface elves are, too, but not as much? And I think I’ve only ever seen one of them. And now? Bam. 3 drow. More than I thought I’d ever met in my life, and everyone’s reaction has pretty much been, “Oh, hm! What a perfectly normal occurrence!” It's just a little bit surprising.

Anyway, Phaedra, she’s about as different from Slimeus Slimeballius as you can get. She’s really elegant and nice. She came by later that night to see how I was doing. I didn’t feel much like talking, so…um…I didn’t, but she was really calm and polite about it. I could tell she knew I wasn’t really fine, but she didn’t press it. She just…did her best to be reassuring then left me alone. I kind of didn’t want her to go, but I appreciate that she did.

And how she moves! I mean, okay, so that probably sounds weird, but you should see her! She’s like floating silk or flowing water. She doesn’t even seem human, sometimes. Well, I mean, she’s not human, but you know what I mean. She’s just ridiculously graceful, like she’s dancing in slow motion all the time, and my brain wants to learn the secret to it so much it can’t look away. So yeah, her I would totally train with.

Then there’s this younger drow, Tsabura. (Tsubara? Someone keeps messing up her name, and it’s really throwing me off.) I thought she might’ve been be their kid or something, but even without speaking the language, I picked up that was not the case real quick. She’s super cute but really quiet, and – I mean, I don’t know if the same standards culturally apply (nor am I sure whether or not it’s rude to consider that) - she has such nice skin. She seriously just glows. Her skin is literally, physically lustrous. But she’s just so angry. Like, all the time. Also? Really sad. I hope we can be friends. I guess that’s a bit random, but it’d be great to have someone to relate to on a different level while on the road (more on that later), and maybe having a friend will help her not be so sad and angry.

It's weird, though. Like, no one’s saying anything about her, but she doesn’t seem like she’s been taking lessons from anyone, and she was pretty much dressed in rags? Mom tried to give her some of my old clothes, but that didn’t go so well. Maybe that’s why she’s in rags. Or maybe it’s a religious thing? Either way, I should probably stop calling them rags. When I tried talking to her, she barely even looked at me. Honestly, I’m not sure I didn’t just imagine the brief glances she did give me, either. I just...I want to know why she’s deliberately making herself so distant. It’s like a mystery my brain needs to solve.

Moving on, there’s this really cheerful gnome named Tielka. She’s...interesting. She’s covered in armor and has a sword that drips frost but somehow seems super approachable? Paradoxically, that makes me kind of nervous to approach her. She also sounded really smart. So I guess she’s...what? A friendly warrior scholar? I don’t know. I mean, the image I’d always had of paladins is super stiff and serious, all thees and thous, but this? It’s a weird vibe. I mean, she looks like she’s 20, but she’s got this really motherly aura making me unsure if I want to befriend her or make sure she doesn’t catch me at mischief, so she’s got that, “inspiring the best behavior in others” thing down, I guess.

She’s also got a huge dog named Axle with the best leg. I mean, omigosh, okay. So his natural leg would’ve been the best leg, of course, but out of potential replacements? This thing is, literally, divine. Like, it’s full of clockwork, but it makes almost 0 noise, and it moves with him. It doesn’t just sit there. I really want to know how it works. I mean, I’m guessing the answer will be something like 50% divinity, 40% magic and 10% mechanics, but still.

And then there’s Max. I’m getting to her last, but she’s easily the biggest personality of the group. (As befits a bard.) She’s pretty much the polar opposite of Broody Broodfacerson. She’s super friendly. She’s always smiling the brightest smile. She has a siren’s voice and sings all the time. She has a whole troop of animals who follow her around, all of whom I’m pretty sure she actually talks to. (I think they’re all named Annie for some reason?) And she’s so pretty. Seriously, everything she does is extra charming. There’s just something about how she moves, how she talks. Just like, everything she does is so captivating. There must be some lesson on mannerisms in bard college that teaches you how to keep people’s eyes on you cause there are like hooks on her gestures that grab the brain and don’t let go. Basically, what I’m saying is she definitely made the right career choice. Honestly, I wish she were a little quieter, but, well, no one can have everything, you know?

sighs

“You know.” I have to stop that.

This is your fifth time using that phrase in this entry.

Fuuuck, really?!

Yes. Would you like me to alert you when you use it?

Nooo. I mean- auuugh, Vecna blind it! Yes. Yes, please do.

Very well.

Thanks. Anyway, moving on...actually, I think that’s about it.

Oh! And Galen. But you know about Galen. Well, I know about Galen, but will you, hypothetical/theoretical mystery future person, know about Galen? I guess I should talk about Galen. I mean, honestly, though, it feels like it’s enough to say he’s the best oldest brother anyone could want. Aforementioned rudeness aside, that is. He’s just, I mean, he’s always giving me his time and teaching me the most interesting things, and he’s smart enough The Academy was too slow for him. So he just, you know, decided to go adventuring and-

That’s six times.

What?

That you’ve used the phrase, “you know.”

Ugggghhhh. All right, you know what? My brain’s clearly tired. He’s great, and I might end up going adventuring with him, which would be the best. The end.

…

Sooo, how do I stop...

You can do so in the same manner as you did last time.

Yeah, I’m not really sure what I did last time.

You need simply to “feel” your intent to stop.

Okay, so kind of like-

#That Which Once had Never Been #Althea brain journals #althea dawnwind #julia dawnwind #galen dawnwind #antiope dawnwind #the dawnwinds

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allsassnoclass · 3 years

Note

oh okay WELL! back in 2016 when the only musical i really knew was hamilton, i was strongly in favour of hamilton sweeping. but now with (1) a more diverse taste and (2) more appreciation for the other shows in that season as well as (3) a general loathing for the american theatre wing, i'm a little more reticent about the whole sweeping thing. just in general tbh. i feel like hamilton's sweeping win kind of kickstarted a thing with the ATW where they would just pick One Show that would win everything each season (deh the next season, and then band's visit) and i did not particularly care for that. not to say they didn't NECESSARILY deserve these wins but i certainly think they didn't deserve all of them (also i still harbor a grudge for the fact that falsettos won NOTHING. NOTHING. but that's a separate thing). so that's where i'm at lol

oh god favourite words... i have quite a lot (i keep a list sort of) but uhh here's a few: i like saying crisp. i like defensible. likewise. indefatigable. trounce. decimate. snazzy. intricate. vibrant. darling and sweetheart are also both good. i have weird Things about words if you can't tell

preferred writing utensil is a mechanical pencil!!! pens tend to smudge because i'm left handed and i like that you don't have to sharpen a mechanical pencil cos who the fuck has the time these days. in this economy? no

oh boy uhhhh okay i'm gonna say for me, maybe telepathy? slash mindreading? bc i think i'm good at communication as well as reading or getting a feel for people's emotions. so i think if that translated into a superpower it'd be that. not sure what my name would be! Ms. Communication maybe that'd be funny lmao but it's a little gimmicky and... third-grade-youtube-video-esque. must reflect further on this. i am open to suggestions. i feel like it's weird to choose your own superhero name anyway

also while i'm here i'd like to say that i understand all grievances with waitress, i have some problems with it as well (ogie... nope. not the vibe) but i did see waitress when it was on broadway (betsy wolfe!!! loml) and i really loved it overall. also i cried at the take it from an old man scene. a whole lot. some of the music is really nice. but i respect your opinion!! xoxo bella

yeah I have A Lot that could be said about why the atw is not good. I also have beef with sweeping like while a show may be good there are always Multiple good shows out there and the overall best musical might not have the best lighting or costumes or featured actor and it’s infuriating that lately one show has been getting all of the credit and recognition when so many others also deserve it. when the band’s visit swept I believe mean girls and spongebob had 24 nominations between them and only one win, which is ridiculous. don’t get me wrong: I love band’s visit a lot and if one of the shows had to sweep I'm glad it was that one, but it shouldn’t have. this also could start a whole different conversation about commercialized musicals and the shift in the state of theatre and how the atw has reacted to that but I am attempting to be concise

those are pretty good words heck yeah! and mechanical pencils are really valid especially since you’re left handed like my mama. I used to hate writing with pens but tbh I was converted by a boy I liked :/ however I really only like these specific pens, otherwise I would take a mechanical pencil over other pens.

I think telepathy works for you. I almost feel like your name needs to have nothing to do with your power because tbh there’s not many good names that connect to telepathy that aren’t already taken in comics. however I have no suggestions for you lol

spoilers for waitress below! I'm going to talk in more detail about why I didn’t like it (which you don’t have to read if you don’t want)

okay so first off I just really struggle with infidelity plots and there was a lot of infidelity in this show. Jenna I could understand but the doctor? Becky? like there was just a lot and I have a hard time feeling sympathetic towards cheating characters, especially when there isn’t really any karma for them in the show. there were no consequences for those actions

everything with Ogie. yeah. no. big no. nope nope nope. he literally stalked Dawn and her friends were like “yeah he’s the guy for you :)” and this is written off as completely normal and fine! very creepy. 0/10.

bad idea (reprise) was very uncomfortable for me to watch. I actually just now looked up a bootleg to see if it was the same staging and it looks like it is but yeah I just really couldn’t do that scene and even my significantly more sex positive classmates were uncomfortable at the kind of sudden turn to "a sex romp.” it really put me on edge for the rest of the show.

perhaps my opinion would’ve been changed if I had listened to the cast recording beforehand, but none of the songs really stuck with me except she used to be mine, which I had heard before. the issue it that you don’t get that song until near the end, so musically the show didn’t grip me for the majority of it. if I re-listened and re-familiarized myself with it I could probably find more songs I liked (it’s been a year since I saw it and I haven’t listened to any of the songs since), but in general I nothing really stood out to me or left a big impression

also this is a really picky thing but the set design had the horizontal line of death all the way across it which is has been drilled into me as being Bad and is generally uninteresting

I will say that Joe was my favorite part of the show, hands down. I think I teared up too but I do that very easily so!

#ask #bella #great responses I love them #and I love you <3

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iwillgiveyoumyhappiness · 5 years

Text

박우진, Park Woojin

anonymous asked:

hihi!! i would like to request some fluff with woojin from AB6IX, I’m not sure if you do requests outside your prompt lists but, maybe a scenario where the reader is youngmin’s bestfriend and she has always lowkey had a crush on woojin hehe and some cute youngmin bestfriend moments thank youu

Group: AB6IX

Member: Woojin (and a considerable amount of platonic Youngmin)

“Hey!” you snapped at Youngmin, pushing his hands away from your head. “I said you could touch my hair—not mess it up!”

The boy laughed at your antics. “I wasn’t messing it up,” he defended himself. “I was giving it character.”

You rolled you eyes. “What kind of a screwed up character were you giving it?”

He thought for a moment. “Frankenstein’s wife?” he offered. “That kind of feeling.”

You pulled your fist back, like a threat to punch him, but you both knew better than that. You could never hit that idiot. You both just ended up laughing at each other as you sunk further into your couch.

He sucked in a breath after your giggle fritz was over. “So,” he started, “how’s things with you and Woojin?”

You quirked a brow. “What’re you talking about?”

He gave you a look. “Oh, come on. I’ve seen you with crushes before, and he’s totally one of them.”

“Well...” You didn’t have any clever comebacks. “Maybe a little bit,” you mumbled back, shifting around a little.

‘A little bit’ was a massive understatement. You’d had an eye on Youngmin’s friend for quite some time now. You appreciated his quiet awkwardness, his snaggle tooth, his secretly dopey behavior in contrast to his outwardly cool demeanor.

His dancing wasn’t a negative trait either.

Youngmin clapped his hands, like a self-congratulations. “Knew it,” he snorted. “So, what’re you gonna do about it?”

“Nothing,” you shrugged.

He did a double-take. “Can you repeat that?”

“I’m not gonna do anything about it,” you said. “We’ve said two and a half words to each other, I doubt he’s interested in me.”

A sly smile spread on his lips. “I don’t know,” he said, an impish glow in his eyes. “You might be surprised.”

Your ears perked up. “Wait a minute. Are you saying he likes me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

You scrambled to your knees, waddling yourself clumsily closer to your best friend. “Im Youngmin, you have a 0% strength poker-face, so tell me! Does he have a crush on me or not?”

He held in a snort. “Why would he? It’s like you model yourself after a penguin.”

“Youngmin!”

He held up his hands in defense. “I’m being serious—I don’t know! Just don’t write him off just yet, yeah? Try befriending him and hanging out some. Maybe you’ll be shocked.”

You huffed, sitting back down. “But that’ll take time... I’m impatient.”

“I know,” he chuckled. He poked you with his sock feet. “That’s why your brother’s gonna help you out! I’ve got a foolproof plan up my sleeve, m’lady.”

You smacked his foot away with your own. “You’re not my brother.”

“But you love me like one,” he said as you both started having a fencing battle with your legs.

A small smile broke across your face as you jabbed him in the ankle. “True enough.”

It was around 11:46 at night when you got a text from Youngmin, jolting you up from a half-dozed state. Hesitantly, you rolled yourself out of bed to grab your phone off your desk.

For anyone else, you would’ve let it wait till morning, but when you heard that special ringtone, you didn’t tend to ignore it—no matter how much you wanted to. He’d been there for you in the tough times and late nights, so it only felt right to do the same for him.

You unlocked your phone, cringing from the sudden brightness in the room.

From: Youngminnie

Subject: Official Plan for Seducing My Group Mate

You rolled your eyes at the title before clicking it open. Your eyebrows immediately furrowed at the number of steps there were. 10 steps, perfectly typed out a labeled. As expected of Youngmin.

‘Do I have to read all this tonight? -_-’ you asked.

Three moving dots.

‘You don’t have to,’ he wrote back. ‘But you should. For good dreams. ;D’

You chuckled at the reply. “Fine, then,” you sighed to yourself, flipping on your lamp and plopping down in your shockingly comfortable rolling chair.

Step 1: Come To More Hangouts

The kids and I hang out often, so you should start tagging along!

You weren’t sure if you liked that idea very much. Being the outsider in a close group didn’t seem very appealing to you. That was until you noticed the message right under it.

I promise I won’t let you sixth-wheel, you coward.

Ah. He knew you too well.

Step 2: Exchange Numbers

I think this one’s a given. After you make that initial connection—jump on him! Well... Not literally, since he’s very important to the team, but you know what I mean. Sure, I could just give you his number, but that’d be no fun, and I know you’re too awkward to actually start a conversation with him.

Step 3: Find Common Interests

Just look for something you two can do together. I’d say try dancing with him, but we both know the extent of your noodle-arm-ness (not to be offensive, or anything). I don’t think I can help you here, ‘cause I want you to get to know each other authentically, but I know you’ll figure something out.

Step 4: Share An Intimate Moment

I don’t mean it like THAT, you weirdo. I just mean a vulnerable moment. Like, I know it’s scary, but be open with him about something personal. Not too personal, though. Remember, I’m watching you, kid. That, or be there for him when he’s not doing too well. You know work can be stressful for us. Now that! I can give you a tip on that. I’ll let you know when he’s not doing so well. He’ll need comfort, don’t you think~? Warning, though. If you kiss him in front of me, I’ll end both of you.

Step 5: Do Something He Likes Doing

If he invites you somewhere, you better go. Even if you have plans with me, cancel. I’ll be the understanding, amazing, incredible, most-loved best friend that I am and forgive your sins. Wow! I’m really such a guardian angel!

Step 6: Compliment Him

It’s okay if you do it moderately throughout your time together, but make this one something BIG. Make him think on it! Give him that heart-flutter that only you can provide.

Step 7: Hang Out At Your Place

It’s a big step, this one. You have to let a guy in your house! ...besides me. I just realized how that sounded as I typed it. Yes, I do regret it, if you’re wondering. Disregarding that; just hang out together! Have a good time, play some games, be safe (please don’t kill me for that) and let him see how fun you are to hang out with on your own!

Step 8: Tease Him

Again, I don’t mean this in a weird way. I just mean it in a playful way. I have no doubt that you’ll do plenty of it without having to consult the step since you warm up to people in a snap, but I wanted to write it down just in case. Do something a little flirty at some point, please. He blushes easily, despite how tough he seems. He’s a real dork!

Step 9: Have a Sleepover At the Dorms

I know this one seems a little weird, but I think it’s a good idea. If you have a sleepover, you’ll be able to see if you can actually stand him for an entire day, an entire night, and then the next morning. A good test, I think! You’ll be able to see if he’s truly your “chosen one”. Plus, he won’t sleep naked for one night... Blessing, really.

Step 10 (final step): Hook, Line and Sinker

Now’s the time! I know you’ve totally captured his heart by now, so you should just confess your feelings honestly. Don’t chicken out!! I know Woojin, so he won’t ditch you, even if he doesn’t feel the same. Might be awkward for half a second, but he’ll come around.

You rubbed the tiredness out of your eyes, glancing at the clock. 12:31 AM. You sighed and groaned, stretching out your stiff limbs. You discarded your phone, switched off the light and threw yourself into bed with an unladylike flop. “Bed, how I missed thee, my love...”

Even though you felt exhaustion flooding your body, drawing you into what you hoped would be restful sleep, you still felt grateful to Youngmin.

Your best friend and number one wing-man.

There you stood, three weeks later, outside of a cafe, a little bit frozen in your spot. You could see Youngmin and the others through the window, chatting freely. They looked so happy together. So at peace.

You slowly turned around, muttering to yourself, “Oh, gosh... I don’t want to do this. They’re all having fun. You’re gonna butt in and have no place. You’re gonna be the dead fish! The black sheep! The gray cloud!” You shook your head, trying to clear yourself of those thoughts.

“No,” you told yourself, giving yourself a light slap on the cheek to wake yourself up from your self-inflicted nightmare. “Come on! You’ve got this. This is Step 1: Come To More Hangouts! Youngmin will never let you live this down if you don’t just—!”

“What are you doing?”

The voice shocked you, making you yelp and clumsily karate chop whatever poor person that had been unfortunate enough to appear behind you. And of course—just your luck—the person had to be Park Woojin.

He rubbed his shoulder, an amused grin on his face. “Ouch,” he chuckled. “You pack quite the punch, don’t ya?”

You forcefully snapped your jaw shut. “I am so sorry,” you said, clasping your hands together. You tittered nervously. “At the thought of being attacked I... became a ninja, I guess.”

He shrugged. “Youngmin has a cool ninja friend, then,” he said. Your shoulders became less tense at his relaxed attitude. Something about him made you feel very at ease. “He sent me out here to get you.”

You nodded slowly, trying to breathe normally. “Yeah, sorry about that. I was just lost in thought.”

“Oh, yeah?” He quirked a brow, a slight smirk on his lips. “Youngmin said that you were probably stressing out over whether or not you should come in.”

Your jaw dropped again. “He ratted me out,” you breathed out, disbelief lacing your tone.

“Guess he knows you pretty well.”

You crossed your arms. “Yup. That’s what years of friendship gets you. Stone-cold betrayal.”

He masked a snort with a cough. “You know what,” he said. “You’re actually pretty funny.”

Your ears perked up. “Really?”

Hmm... Maybe Step 1 was a success after all.

The steps after that were rather successful, too.

During Step 2: Exchange Numbers, you’d lost track of time and accidentally called him around two in the morning, only realizing your mistake after he’d picked up with a voice deep and raspy from broken sleep.

“Hey!” you had said, voice chipper and upbeat. “I just wanted to check in on you.”

He had just chuckled on the other line. “At 2 AM?”

Your eyes immediately snapped to your clock. “Oh my gosh,” you gasped. “I didn’t even realize it was that late. I’ll hang up now, I’m so sorry.”

He caught you before you left. “It’s okay, I couldn’t sleep anyway. Wanna talk for a while?”

During Step 3: Find Common Interests, you’d mentioned your love for stargazing while the six of you sat in the practice room and ate lunch. Without any real effort, Woojin had invited himself along on one of your excursions.

That was probably the most at peace you’d felt in a long time, despite your heart beating a little faster every time your elbows brushed as you laid in the grass together, side-by-side, looking up at the vast expanse of sky.

“Stargazing was a good idea,” he’d breathed out into the cold night air, creating a puff of contrast in front of his face. “I’m glad you dragged me along.��

You scoffed. “I didn’t drag you anywhere,” you laughed, elbowing him in the side. “You came of your own accord, I didn’t even invite you.”

“You saying you don’t want me here?” he asked, rubbing his side and giving you a knowing smile.

You crinkled your nose at him. “I didn’t say that.”

Now, Step 4: Share An Intimate Moment... That one came as a surprise to you. You didn’t expect to be hanging out with everyone, having a perfectly wonderful time, and then suddenly feel so overwhelmed.

You didn’t expect to excuse yourself to the bathroom when you felt tears welling up in your eyes. You didn’t expect your mind to get flooded with so many thoughts about how stressed you were and how much you weren’t pleased with yourself. You didn’t expect it.

Not all of a sudden.

Though, you also didn’t expect Woojin to follow close behind you. You didn’t expect him to knock on the door with three gentle taps of his knuckles and ask, “Are you okay in there?” just louder than a whisper.

You didn’t expect to open the door for him and bury your face in his chest as he stroked your hair. You didn’t expect him to close the door again so you could cry in peace without anyone prying.

You didn’t expect the two of you to slide down the door, end up in a messy pile on the floor and lean against each other while he whispered small words of encouragement and comfort.

You didn’t expect to start falling asleep on his shoulder when he started humming softly. You didn’t expect him to say, “You’re pretty endearing when you’re half-asleep”. You didn’t expect him not to ask about what was bothering you. He just sat there, listening to you cry and rubbing your back in long, gentle strokes.

You were grateful for that. You didn’t even fully understand why you were crying.

It was unexpected... But it was wonderful. You thought you were going to be the one comforting him, but in the end, you were the one that needed it. Needed him. But that just proved something to you.

It proved that he was worth the ten steps you would have to take to reach his heart. It proved to you that he would be there for you in the tough times, and that he was totally worth you being there for him.

It proved to you that when you completed Step 5: Do Something He Likes Doing, he genuinely meant it when he said, “I wanna hear you sing” when he dragged you out to karaoke with some of his friends from highschool.

It proved to you that when you went through Step 6: Compliment Him, he had a truly soft heart. Even more so than Youngmin had said!

“You dance really well,” you had told him one day after watching one of AB6IX’s performances.

He froze a little, the compliment catching him off guard. “Well... Thanks,” he said.

You eyes widened and a smile spread across your face. “Are you blushing?” you giggled.

He scoffed and turned away from you. “Absolutely not.”

“You totally are!”

“Not!”

Youngmin walked by, smacking his shoulder playfully. “Are,” he said, flashing you a supportive wink.

You gained a proud look on your face. “See? Your leader’s on my side! You can’t deny me!”

Woojin rolled his eyes playfully. “Fine, fine. Whatever you say.”

“It is whatever I say!” you determined. “And I say, I like the way you dance.”

He suddenly turned around, causing you to bump into his chest. “And I like your hugs,” he said. He waited expectantly. “So are you gonna give me one?”

It proved to you that when you went through Step 7: Hang Out At Your Place, you didn’t need to feel awkward or worried at all. He made you feel nervous, but nervous in the best way. The nervousness of heart-eyes and butterflies.

So, in a way, that nervousness gave you peace. That nervousness was your place of balance and tranquility. You could always come to Park Woojin and know you would feel the same way, no matter how much time passed.

Warm. Always so incredibly warm.

It made you impatient for Step 10, but you knew that it was a selfish and foolish wish. If you could speed up time (like you wished for sometimes), you would miss precious moments that you spent with him.

You would miss watching a movie with him at sunset, a fluffy blanket draped over your laps, though you sat a good distance away from each other.

You would miss hogging said fluffy blanket just a little too much and him threatening, “If you steal the blanket one more time, I’m putting my cold-ass feet on your bare thigh.”

You would miss the fun events of Step 8: Tease Him that ended with you both running around an old playground at midnight, trying to throw melting ice cream at each other.

You would miss Step 9: Have a Sleepover At the Dorms, which resulted in you having the best night of your life. You didn’t think you’d ever laughed so much since you were born. You had seen Youngmin constantly put the placement of games in such a way that you would be sitting next to Woojin.

He really was the best wing-man.

The best part of that evening hadn’t been the loudest or funniest, though... It had been when everyone had fallen asleep on you and you were left to do the dishes after a super unhealthy (but very delicious) meal.

Well... Mostly everybody.

“Let’s do the dishes together.”

Of course, it was Park Woojin.

Finally, after all the waiting... It was time for Step 10: Hook, Line and Sinker.

You didn’t think you would be so nervous.

“Crap...” you mumbled to yourself. “Why am I so sweaty all of a sudden?” You eyes widened. “Did I forget to put on deodorant? Holy crap—”

You felt a comforting touch on your shoulder. “Calm down!” Youngmin said. He turned your head, making you look at him. “You’re gonna be okay, all right?”

“Am I, though?” You gestured to your knees. “I’m trembling, Minnie!”

He clicked his tongue and put his hands on his hips. “Repeat after me,” he said. You nodded. He was weird, but he was usually right. “I am a strong, fantastic, charming young woman,” he spoke, confidence in his tone.

“Are you now?” you snorted.

He snapped his fingers in your face. “Take it seriously!”

“Fine!” You rolled your eyes. “I am a strong, fantastic, charming young woman,” you echoed dryly.

“I could have any man I want,” he continued. You repeated him. “But I don’t want just any man.”

You took a deep breath. “But I don’t want just any man.”

“I only want one,” he said.

You felt yourself winding down. “I only want one.”

“I want Woojin.”

You copied him, “I want Woojin.”

He flashed you a toothy grin. “Nice one! Now—what are you?”

“A strong, fantastic, charming young woman,” you said with a grin, “and I could have any man I want.”

“But do you want just any man?”

You shook you head. “No, I don’t.”

“Then who do you want?”

You didn’t hesitate at all. “Woojin. I want Park Woojin.”

A slow clap sounded from the other side of the room, shocking both of you.

“That was quite the show.” You both recognized the voice immediately.

Youngmin gave you a quick tap on the shoulder, a silent ‘good luck’. “I’m gonna go,” he whispered before breezing past you and out of the door of the previously empty practice room.

You slowly turned around—albeit a little awkwardly—to face Woojin. “How much of that did you...” you were struggling with words at the moment.

“Hear?” he finished for you, a playful grin on his face, showcasing his snaggle tooth. “Pretty much all of it.”

You hid your face in your hands, “Oh my gosh,” you groaned. You peeked through the spaces in between your fingers. “And what do you think?” you asked shyly.

A short pause just for him to walk closer and grab your hands, pulling them away from your face. Once again, his cheeks were painted the slightest shade of pink.

“I think that I love you,” he said softly. “I think that you are love.”

Hey, Anon! I hope you enjoyed fluffy Woojin. I had a little trouble with the pacing when I started writing it, but I think it came out all right. ^-^ Though, that’s really your decision, isn’t it?

I hope you enjoyed it a lot! Feel free to stop by again.

#ab6ix #ab6ix woojin #park woojin #for anon #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop fluff #kpop angst #fluffy #fluff #ab6ix youngmin #lim youngmin #best friend

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comicteaparty · 4 years

Text

June 10th-June 16th, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from June 10th, 2020 to June 16th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

How does poor web design affect if and/or how you read a particular webcomic?

carcarchu

it's a huge factor. if a comic is amazing in every way but the website or app makes it difficult for me to read i'm simply NOT going to read it. there are a lot of great series that i've put on the back burner just because the website is so annoying to navigate

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i've honestly never run into a website so bad it stopped me from reading a comic i was interested in

carcarchu

FYI the worst comic app i've ever experienced is Aqua Kiss which I downloaded to read a single series. it's the most barebones app imaginable with no search bar. if you want to read something you actually have to manually load each calendar week to find it and some stuff are buried dozens of pages back. and to make matters worse it doesn't have a "history" or "bookmarks" feature either

Deo101 [Millennium]

The worst things with sites that I see often are 1: huge headers, and 2: laggy sites (not really site design, but its adjacent I think) Another is if the pages are too big on the screen, so you can't, for instance, see some panels all at once. Those kinds of things can really ruin a reading experience for me

carcarchu

One example of a website that is hostile to the reading experience is ZMYK which for some reason hosts vertical scroll comics but cuts them up into little pieces as if they were comic format so you can't actually scroll through the entire chapter as it was intended to

That kind of thing grinds my gears so much how can something you have to pay for be that incredibly bad

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've also seen some sites that have graphic design issues, where elements are illegible due to their color, and some have very busy and distracting backgrounds. Those kinds of things won't necessarily ruin it, but they're distracting

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

forward comic's website was doing this weird thing where the further I read the longer pages took to load. Near the end it seemed they were taking 10 full seconds. Still read the whole thing though. Reading manga on shady sites with terrible internet connection as a kid has desensitized me

Oh one comic I was interested in but didn't read because of the site: I was kidnapped by lesbian pirates from outer space. It doesn't have a website. To read it you have to pirate (hehe) copies of the archive.

It's a pretty sad story- the author was young and tricked into giving up the rights to her series

She ended up taking the site down to prevent the company from getting any more money off of it

https://rosalarian.tumblr.com/post/65353128180/its-with-extreme-sadness-that-i-announce-that-my

Here's her post about it

I think it can be a good warning message to us

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

For me, the biggest thing that deters me from reading a comic is if the website isn't well optimized for mobile (as someone who reads a lot on the go). This includes the images loading bigger than the page, or navigation being hidden on mobile, or glitchy scrolling, or any number of ungodly things. Also, too many ads. That'll turn me away in a heartbeat.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah ads are definitely a huge turnoff for me too

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

@carcarchu okay i just digested this comment and wtf

no search bar is laughably bad omg

how did you even find out about it

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah that's ridiculous hahahaha

carcarchu

it's a shame because there are genuinely good comics on there you can't read anywhere else?? and i found it because an artist i adore did a series for it but it got AXED after only 2 chapters and after that was pretty much scrubbed from the internet. i think it's a shame because it really had so much potential and it ended before the story was really able to start

it's a screenshot from the app. you can see that it is categorized reverse chronologically by week

the point of aqua kiss is to emulate monthly/weekly style manga magazines but in app form. however i think the execution of this idea was horrendous

SteffieMusings

Oh no! It must make reading there so challenging. As for me, if the navigation is so hard to understand/pages don't load properly when you click a link or when the website's colours hurt my eyes so much I can't stay there for too long.

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

Honestly nowadays most of the CMS's out there share the same basic functionality and adaptability, so it's getting harder to screw up on that. Most sites are OK, if only a bit laggy. If the site takes less than 2 seconds to load and it's not so crowded that I have to look for the comic, I'm generally good.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

How much bad/inaccessible web design I'll tolerate is directly proportional to how much I care about the comic.

I've dropped a couple series in the middle of the archive just because they changed the site design to screw up the tracking of bookmarking sites, so I would've had to figure out an alternate way to keep track of it, and it didn't seem worth the effort

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Oh yeah, I've totally had that happen too where I was deep into an archive, had taken a reading break for a month or two, and came back to find the urls had been updated and my spot was lost it isn't so bad if a comic also has an archive page, but ive stopped reading a few stories that it would have been too hard to track down where I was.

DaeofthePast

I haven’t had to experience weird websites in a while, but I do sometimes go to an unknown website to read the comic/manga I’m looking for. Mostly what I’ve had trouble with is unnumbered chapters, of that it’s unclear where/how to start reading in general.(edited)

Like, I get to the page for that specific comic and then there’s no easy “start reading here” button anywhere

And when I do find the chapters list, I don’t know which end of the list is the beginning bc it’s unnumbered

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Is a "First page" button enough or are you looking for a "new readers start here" button? (<- is redisigning her page)

DaeofthePast

Is there a difference? :0

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

hm, sometimes yes.

Some old running comics have different jump-on points (schlock mercenary for example).

DaeofthePast

Ooh I see

Well when I first go on the site, I just want to start reading so idk

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

So, I always try to read every comic that's featured in the book club all the way through. Like even if I don't particularly like the opening, or if the comic is thousands of pages long, or I don't have time to meaningfully discuss the comic, I do try to at least give the comic a fair shake by reading through the entire archive. There have been four exceptions. One was because of content (it was a gag a day comic, and the content was SO horrible for SO long that I just couldn't stand it anymore. real "punching down" type of humor). Another was because the comic was literally deleted before I could get to it. The remaining two were because the site design/organization were so awful that the comics were unreadable. One of the two comics had a custom built, hand-coded site (I assume), and it just... didn't work properly. Like the "previous" button seemingly took you to a random page, the "next" button and the "latest" button led to the same place, etc. I'm not sure the creator ever bothered to test the site. The other one used some pre-built stuff, so it was ok... but you had to scroll to the top of the page to go to the next page. Not only that, but the author was posting all their comics to the same archive - which means one page would be the comic that was actually meant to be read for the book club and the next few pages were a completely different comic entirely. And this wasn't a gag-a-day either - it was a story based comic, so the three action minimum to get to the next page made things absolute hell to keep track of.(edited)

DaeofthePast

Wow

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Uff, yeah, that sounds horrible.

Nyx+Nyssa's page is currently a barebone mess, but I made at least sure the navigation works. :/

DaeofthePast

Having the comic be deleted while you’re reading it sounds like such a weird experience lmao

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

i mean, it wasn't thanos snap style lol

DaeofthePast

Was the website gone too or?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

it was in between days

nah the website was still there, it's just that the author had decided to reboot their comic and forgot that they had submitted it to the book club

DaeofthePast

Oh okay I imagined Thanos snap style

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Not really a design but a site thing: I can't do comics without an archive of some sort. On platforms like Tapas or WT, the episode list serves that purpose perfectly fine. I personally need to be able to see how many pages there are, and I need a way to go to specific pages easily. It might sound like a small complaint, but it's a big thing for me! There have been comics that piqued my interest, but once I saw that there was no archive of any form, I left forever. Sure, I might be missing out, but there are also lots of good comics out there that have accessible archives. My life isn't long enough to read them all, so I'm letting myself be very picky.

copperine

I can manage a very basic site just fine. But if a site is hard to navigate, or just makes reading the page/getting to the next page difficult - I'd be likely to give up eventually. Doesn't matter about the quality of the comic, but if it's a chore to just read it, it's going to put me off after a while

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I will note - if you want me to actually discuss your comic in the book club, please do have an archive link, and probably a cast page too. Like the lack of one doesn't stop me from reading entirely, but I can't discuss anything without being able to look back at specific moments. (and one of those archives that just has dates doesn't count - lemme know what the chapter is!)

copperine

For example - when I read webcomics on dA, I was absolutely fine with either the author having a dedicated folder with the pages in order. Another option was to link next and prev pages in the description. But if I had to go find each next page, I just wouldn't.

DaeofthePast

By an archive do you mean kinda like a chapters list?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

A list of all the pages, ideally

That also list the chapters somehow

copperine

Short version: if I feel like I'm spending half as much time navigating the site as I am actually reading, it's gonna get old real quick

DaeofthePast

And same copperine. As long as it’s organized well, I will probably read it

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Like maybe you click on a chapter link to get to a list of the pages, or maybe it's just a list of the pages with the chapter names as headers

some sort of organization

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah! (I admit my own comic's archive page isn't the prettiest, but it's 100% functional.)

DaeofthePast

I only have a chapter list so far ^^; idk how to go about getting an archive

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Chapter list is totally fine if your chapters tend to be on the shorter side

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I like having chapter lists around, although coding them can be a handful Not sure if to go for an archive with thumbnails or just with page numbers though.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

It's also workable if you also have like... a dropdown menu for individual pages on the actual pages? So it only takes 2 clicks to go to a specific page (first click to go to the chapter, second click to go to the page)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

OH yeah, there was also a dA comic in the book club once that didn't have any next/previous buttons. However, it was a short comic - the bare minimum for getting into the book club - so I still read it all the way through. But it was pretty annoying to do so. (it was also pretty obviously a fetish comic, but that's not really relevant to the discussion XD)

DaeofthePast

I want to post by scene so I’ll be dividing chapters like “chapter 3 part 1” to hopefully that will be better

copperine

I'll always take functional over pretty

DaeofthePast

Haha I’m not sure if I want to know the comic for that one

Also what is “punching down” humor?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Like, the author was a straight man, and nearly every joke was making fun of people who weren't those things.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

it's like making fun of people but

copperine

Yikes

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

you're intentially trying to put them down

that's punching down in my imo rip

DaeofthePast

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeah....

DaeofthePast

Well at least I know what to call it when I see it in the future ._.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Like, occasionally I see a shitty joke in a comic and I keep reading because maybe the author improved (we do sometimes get comics with archives that date back decades in here) But this comic was just so consistently awful for so long that I couldn't stand it

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oof that aint good

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Though that's kinda off topic lol

DaeofthePast

Oh yeah

So bad site design...

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Anyway, I don't really wanna post the examples of the comics I talked about in here cuz I don't wanna call anyone out

Actually, hold on, lemme check something

DaeofthePast

I feel I haven’t had too much experience with bad site designs, but I might have just forgotten(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

ok yeah

so, the comic where you had to scroll up to the top of each page to click to the next one, and the site was multiple comics alternating pages that made the story rough to follow

copperine

Oof yeah having to scroll up to click next won't stop me but it is a bother

DaeofthePast

I like having the next button both on top and the bottom, even if they update page by page(edited)

It just feels convinient

copperine

Yeah same

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Re: punching up/down, here's an overly simplistic set of examples: billionaires making fun of poor people is punching down. Poor people making fun of billionaires is punching up.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

's good webdesign pattern for everything with continous content - e.g. blogs, web-novels, webcomics.

Ideally you have one on top, between content and comments and under comments

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

the comic that alternated storylines & required scrolling back up to go to the next page was Antibunny: http://vinnied.comicgenesis.com/d/20061002.html if you see that page I linked and click next a few times, there's no obvious distinction between the main story and the spinoff story (no, like, header change between the two, and the art style looks similar), so you can see how it'd be confusing to follow and the scrolling is just icing on the cake (it used to be even worse) the only reason I feel comfortable sharing that is because the author uploaded the comics to new sites, and fixed all those issues in the process: http://antibunny.net/

DaeofthePast

Oh nice. So they realized the problem

copperine

Aren't they in this server? Or am I thinking of another one

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah, the author is in this server

copperine

I thought so

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Hence why he realized, because we told him that there was a problem during the book club

copperine

I'm not gonna take anything said here as a comment on anyway btw

DaeofthePast

It’s cool that submitting their comic to the tea party resulted in some good feedback :3

copperine

You love to see it!

It always makes me happy when webcomic community stuff helps people out, that seems like the ideal outcome

DaeofthePast

Yess

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

i agree on that yeee

DaeofthePast

It’s like having a friend point out a spelling mistake. Embarrassing but you can live with the knowledge that your work is now a little bit better(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah kinda off-topic, but I love it when the author of the comic for the book club joins the server. Like not only does it mean that the author could join in on others' discussions in the future (pay it forward 'n stuff), but... it's just really sad when I see a comic pop up in the book club and the author seemingly forgot they submitted it.

DaeofthePast

How long does it usually take to get to a comic? :0 that they would forget they submitted it?

copperine

I always hope I can help others out or support them, and I hope they feel the same

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The book club had a very very long wait list in the past. These days, not so long.

DaeofthePast

And I guess if you submit a comic with a website, the people here can be your beta testers

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

what's odd is that five months ago, the wait list was six months but now, the wait list is two months y'all need to submit/resubmit your comics

DaeofthePast

I tried going to submit mine yesterday and the site doesn’t let me v.v says you’re booked for July

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

oh yeah, so it is

DaeofthePast

Maybe later :3

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

i guess Rebel doesn't want the queue to get too long

copperine

I would submit mine but I'm only at 10 pages and I believe you need to have 20 to submit

DaeofthePast

Ooh they have a minimum?

Gotta count my pages now

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I mean it makes sense. Hard to discuss a comic that only has the cover for chapter 1

DaeofthePast

Tru

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

"Let us dissect this cover image for an entire week"

DaeofthePast

It would be a hilarious April fools challenge

copperine

Idk I think it was 20 minimum?

DaeofthePast

shrug

copperine

@snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) can you shed any light on this

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The sign up form is where you would normally find that information.

copperine

... very good point

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

But the form is currently unavailable, and it's possible that Rebel might change the requirement when it becomes available again

copperine

Thank you for the heads up

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

FYI, https://comicteaparty.com/ is where the form will be available eventually

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

They accept resubmissions now?

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I def like arrows on the top and bottom of pages for sites to be more of a thing, as well as clicking the image for the next page too! Honestly there hasn't been a make or break, mainly preferences, and the most complaints i have are with the mobile formatting. I think most comics have been pretty solid in functionality that i've read, and it's clear that having their own website is becoming mainstream enough for there to be help, tips, and tricks to making it work!

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I definitely prefer if I can just click on the comic image to go to the next page especially for mobile.

copperine

Agreed!

Idk about resubmissions tho

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

... Wow. I absolutely HATE clickable images on mobile, because they usually mess with the pinch-zoom.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i've had sites that didnt have image click throughs and the arrow..... was like SO TINY XD

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Didn't think anyone would actually like it, so... huh.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i kept going back and forth

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

yeah, navigation needs to be bigger on mobile for safe tapping.

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Oh, re:resubmissions, I'm pretty sure you can if it's been long enough? I think @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) mentioned it recently as an option. But maybe a tangent for #general

boogeymadam

i dont mind the pinch zoom being a little more difficult from time to time cause usually the clickable image is worth it to me

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Same

boogeymadam

am also fond of sites that allow left/right arrows to let you move forward and back on desktop

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Mainly it's just for like Krispy said, reading on mobile and tiny next/previous buttons.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ye my dummy thicc fingers prefer the click through image for sure

ohh yes Boogey that too

boogeymadam

it took me hours of googling to find the very simple comicpress option to just turn that on on my site

copperine

Mmm I do like sites that allow pinch zoom though

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I also prefer clicking on the image to go to the next page

mariah (rainy day dreams)

My fingers small, but still dummy T-T

copperine

It makes it easier to get a better look at the page

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

iweudhweiu Mariah XD

copperine

Especially if it's got smaller font

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

nyxandnyssa has a seperate navigation for mobile that's much bigger and skipping scene select to make tapping easier.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I've had the hover text def bum me out for some comics, where you click the image and it just displays the text, then you gotta click the tiny next bar def killed me there

copperine

I've never had issues with pinch zoom affecting clickable images but I can imagine it would be annoying

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

but! never breaks me out of a comic for me to stop reading-! i persevere in the face of adversity XD

boogeymadam

i've never encountered a site so bad i couldnt continue reading. maybe stuff where i'd stop reading until i was less frustrated but i'd come back later.

DaeofthePast

That’s something I’ll have to consider for my site then

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I feel like Smackjeeves had a really obnoxious auto pitch & zoom before they updated most recently. I like when I can turn it off on my phone. I'd rather do it myself most of the time and let my phone try to auto it X')

DaeofthePast

I usually read on desktop more often than on mobile so it’s good to hear from other’s experiences

copperine

Idk I've never used a custom site yet

boogeymadam

same dae, except on tapas and webtoons!(edited)

comics with their own website i'll boot up my computer for a single update of

DaeofthePast

Even on webtoons I read on desktop

boogeymadam

omg your power, webtoons feels so choppy on desktop to me

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

im definitely lucky that our site got a mobile friendly version i remember the 'ol pinchy zoomz was tiresome on our site for sure

DaeofthePast

I get headaches from reading on my phone unfortunately :/

Idk what the difference is between reading mobile and on a desktop but my brain doesn’t like it

Like, I can text fine???? But reading a comic for some reason is like “no”

So yeah, comics on desktop for me

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ohh!! it could be the close proximity!

DaeofthePast

Ooh :0 maybe?

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i know i get motion sickness depending on how close/ far i am from screens

DaeofthePast

Maybe it’s something like that... :O

boogeymadam

whatever the reason sorry you get headaches and motion sickness from comics :'0

DaeofthePast

Every once in a while I’ll try again to read on mobile I never learn

boogeymadam

the only reason i dont like mobile is sometimes comics text is a combination of too small there and the font is hard on my dyslexia

DaeofthePast

Rip

boogeymadam

so i see if zooming in on my computer helps

DaeofthePast

The lesson here is that it’s good to have both mobile and desktop options

boogeymadam

yep :'D

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ohhh yea def agree. I know that feeling and i sometimes ... have a Time reading my own work XD (i admit it lol!!)

boogeymadam

sometimes my own comic is hard on my dyslexia for The Effect so i never have hard feelings with other comics

copperine

(brb)

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ewiudhiwue the things we do AT WHAT COST XD

DaeofthePast

Asdfghjkl

Meanwhile I use the same font for everything

boogeymadam

wait im gonna generalize this more so it can be a party

DaeofthePast

Please post that on pillowfort so I can reblog it

boogeymadam

you can post it for yourself if you want dae!

i'm having a hard time logging on asdfgjh

DaeofthePast

Rip sure

copperine

Ah see I have both

Because hand lettering

It's great for feeling right for a comic but also eternally wondering if it's readable

DaeofthePast

Ooh yeah I guess that would count as both

What’s your comic btw :0

Wait, we’re supposed to be talking about website design right

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yep! If it gets too off topic, you can always continue in another channel that's more fitting.

copperine

Ah sorry! Sure thing

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Mobile is too small for me

DaeofthePast

Yeah

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

(oHHMYYGOSH BOOGEY XD)

boogeymadam

mm archives were mentioned already, and how it can really turn readers away to simply not have one at all? my favorite archive is https://www.vaingloriouscomic.com/comic/archive 's but i've seen some where they attempted an all picture archive and it backfired by just being a page of all empty boxes. this didn't deter me from reading it and it got fixed pretty quick tho~ mine is one of these and its a very chonky slowmoving page cause i uploaded the first 90ish as fullsized pictures. nobody's ever complained so idk if it's ever deterred anyone from reading but i know i gotta fix it someday.(edited)

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I really dont mind any kind of web design in particular though tbh. I prefer desktop sites but it’s fine if the design isnt great

DaeofthePast

Have you guys ever gone to a comic website (for a single comic) and the colors used in the background were so bright that it felt like they were blinding you to the point it was hard to read the actual pages?

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My archive is down right now becayse it broke and I dont know how to fix it lol

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i def want a fully view-able archive but we're gonna be hitting 800 pages and i dont know how well that will work XD

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

But I have a navigation bar now

boogeymadam

u could have multiple pages of archive, krispy!

i'm starting a new page for chapter 2

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Or dropdown menus

boogeymadam

but its probably important to have a dropdown if u have more than 1 page, yeah

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I want to switch to picture archives, but I haven't found a good plug in/way to get my word press to do it :( if anyone has recommendations...

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I wish I knew how to make dropdown menus

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i'll have to bring that up ! we dont do the tech work for our site ( thank gosh seriously) but i love archives that show full pages

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

If I could make dropdown menus I would be unstoppable

copperine

I miss the drop-downs on SJ

boogeymadam

i feel like dropdowns are smth i pretty much only exclusively see on hiveworks comics

i wonder what their secret is,,,

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I’ve inspected the elements on so many hiveworks sites lol

I want to know

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

they use word press I think

for their comic sites

just have to do some digging with the site html and csss

copperine

Right click and inspect maybe...

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Php stands for my Personal hell pit

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

if i could go undercover for yall i would XD

boogeymadam

also!! @mariah (rainy day dreams) i use elementor for mine

its not perfect and breaks like every time i update it but it works asdfg

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

... I'm currently writing a sparkling fresh wp-plugin for my page (comic easel wasn't doing what I wanted), but I am also a software dev who enjoys coding.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My template I use functions in mostly php and xml and its gibberish to me but functions so well I dont know how to improve it to have specific things I want

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

my knowledge with site design is basic at best lmao

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

wordpress is a bit special in that it does most things more complicated than strictly necessary.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

but I do like fiddling with stuff

^that too lmao

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I know Shiza of osarilho is really good at web designing? she's made some beautiful work with her site!

boogeymadam

i want to ask shiza for more help but not before i have some money to pay her :')

she's helped me a lot already

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can do html and css at the babiest level

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I'll check that out Boogey, thanks! Even if it does break X') And I guess I'll just make a note to start stashing money to hire shiza XD im definitely at the point where my site needs a general face lift, but I don't have the spoons for it.

boogeymadam

imo i've made some really pretty pges with it. it's a drag and drop that's excellent at galleries, but it doesn't like when you don't have even rows for some reason

the wordpress plugin, Elementor, i mean.

copperine

I've been wanting to try comicpress for ages

I just don't know where to start

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I'm gonna move over to #shop_talk for my response

copperine

I had someone who was gonna help me out but we lost contact so it's on the back burner

boogeymadam

OOPS yeah

copperine

But for websites in general I prefer to have one that feels very basic than one that feels too busy or crowded

I'm not a graphic designer at all lol

If I do try an independent site I'm planning to pay a coding friend to help me

DaeofthePast

yeah i have no idea what I'm doing when working on my site, it's kinda basic, but at least it looks nice

copperine

I just use a premade theme on my ComicFury site

It works and that's good enough for me so far

Oh I guess the other thing that would put me off reading a comic is if the site isn't formatted for mobile, and/or particularly if the site doesn't have adaptive formatting

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

same, but editted it hard core so it looks like it's own thing lmao

copperine

I usually read on my phone because my computer is where I work so I like to get off it for hobbies

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

but for me uh i guess mobile i try to read it either on tapas, webtoon or its own site

I find just clicking the page to the next one helps me a lot lol I don't do a lot of zooming

copperine

Mmm

copperine

It's personal preference a lot tbh!

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I like my comuter because its big

copperine

Valid

Mine is not

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

did anyone talk about paying me please you don't have to do that

copperine

Idk but you can pay me

Idk what for but

I'll take money

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I absolutely would have to if you made my site awesome X') work is work, and you should be paid for it

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

fair enough

Just send me a DM whenever you're up for that and lemme take a look at what you already have

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I would hire someone to do web design for me but I dont have the funds & I dont wnat to make someone do work for me for free

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

I've been meaning to set up my own website for a while now, since the collective i was originally hosting my webcomic with kinda fell apart, but it's so much work and i'm hella intimidated :'''D

copperine

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) there's been some related discussion in #shop_talk and I believe @boogeymadam might be able to advise (I'm sure others can too but I'm going off the convo from earlier)

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) depending on how much it is I can help you out

RebelVampire

Admin Reminder Remember this channel is for experiences as a reader first and foremost, so #shop_talk and #general are better if you want to discuss your own stuff.

DaeofthePast

thank you for the reminder :3

RebelVampire

I would say poor web design is something I have a complicated relationship regarding webcomics. On the one hand, outside of a site being 100% completely broken, I'm willing to sit through a lot to read. So in terms of affecting whether I read a comic the first time or not, there isn't much to say there. But it does affect how engaged I am with the comic. Cause if I can't easily go back to re-read a page, easily find things like character names, have to deal with extreme lag cause the host is garbage, have to deal with eye bleeding color schemes, etc. you can bet your bottom dollar 1 time is all that comic is going to get in terms of reading it. I can only subject myself to so much, and if I don't feel like reading a comic again because of the site itself, I'm going to quickly forget it in favor of comics whose sites don't make me cry. I do give more leeway to sites created by creators in many respects. But professional bigtime hosts like Tapas or Webtoons literally have no excuse for some of their garbage design choices. And some of their design choices are super duper garbage.

DaeofthePast

that's true yeah, there's a big distinction of the quality expectations between sites by small creators and those of big companies like Webtoons

RebelVampire

At the same time, though, I know from first hand experience that poor design choices are literally influenced by user data for bigger companies. So for every decision I consider stupid- at the same time they probably did the AB tests that showed crappy design A had better results for their conversion rates than user friendly design B.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Which boggles my mind

I wonder if there's some kinda causation-correlation thing going on that the A/B tests could not detect accurately

boogeymadam

Rebel mentioned sites that have eyebleedy color schemes and I'm in the same boat; will read the comic, just will be turning down the screen brightness a looot. Sites that have a huge space of extremely neon background that distracts from the comic make me reluctant to read on the site, and I'll look for a mirror before trying. That white background of the 2 big comic hosting sites can at least be affected and turned dark by nightmode when needed, while nightmode doesn't work on half the bright comic sites I've tried it on. u-u

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #reader favorites

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sireneia-a · 5 years

Text

this happens every time i pull up the love growths and the jealousy rates in genealogy so i’m unpacking that too but for all my fe4 muses. going in roster order for this. why am i doing this?? cause i love storytelling via game mechanics and think more games should do it. not necessarily in relation to romance though, like leif’s arc is pretty amazingly displayed through mechanics in both his game appearances but i can ramble about that another time.

for the record, i’m assuming a love growth of +2 as what a “normal” pace for falling in love is since it’s the most common growth rate in the game. the format that this reads as is 0+2 then which translates to “a love base of zero, a love growth of two.”

under the cut cause i still have no idea how to be succinct and also i’m talking about eight characters so yknow

lene:

almost every guy has 0+2 for her. she doesn’t have any particular attraction to any guy as a result, though she’s open to falling in love with any of them with no biases. the only exception to this trend is ares who is set at 300+1. this is one of the highest love bases in the entire game if not THE highest.

even disregarding their canon dialogue making me believe they are in a “more than friends, less than lovers” situation, this love base alone hints towards that too. 300 love points makes the game register the two as having taken a fancy to one another, 400 points is when they’re officially “well and truly in love” with one another, and 500 is when they’re literally married.

the fact that lene’s growth is at +1 with ares makes me think that although she has a high love base with him, she’s slow to realize her own feelings for him and would take a while to actually transition into being ACTUAL lovers. she would take a while to believe she should make a move. this is supported by the fact that she is at the low end of ares’s jealousy spectrum. she just doesn’t easily get jealous over other girls spending time with him.

interestingly enough, the people that she’s more easy to become jealous over are ced, oifey, and iucharba.

leif:

leif has a 0+2 for everyone except julia, nanna, jeanne, tine and linda. julia is set at 0+0 for everyone except seliph so that’s why there. nanna and jeanne both are set to 100+2 which means he has yet to even think about either of them in a romantic way.

200 points is when the characters are thinking more frequently about the person for reference. however, leif’s shared childhood with nanna and jeanne undeniably has a foundation for him to see either of them in a romantic light and them growing up together is likely the reason behind his falling in love eventually. despite this, he goes at a normal pace with either of them still.

the interesting thing is that he is set to 0+3 with tine and linda. whilst he has no foundation with either of them, this tells me that he is quicker to fall in love with them and his relationship might be likened more to a whirlwind romance. it’s also interesting to me because linda and tine are... nothing like nanna and jeanne KGHFKFHKFS

i guess leif’s taste in women might be more like linda and tine but he’s just got more backstory with nanna and jeanne to build upon. either that or leif probably interacts more with tine and linda then and has more opportunity to fall in love with either of them mid-war.

leif also has an equal jealousy rate with all girls which just means nobody ever gets jealous over him. Ever. what that means?? hell if i know how to dissect that

dew:

hi token first gen! he has a more unique spread, so i’ll just write it down first here.

edain 0+2 / ayra 0+2 / lachesis 50+2 / erinys 50+2 / silvia 0+3 / brigid 50+2 / tailtiu 120+3

due to his backstory and how he didn’t know any of these people until the war, i’m going to interpret a higher love base to mean he’s more strongly attracted to those characters upon a first impression.

but... why those four? that’s a tricky one. i can’t just say he likes women who can kick his ass cause ayra isn’t included. i was going to say it’s strong-willed women, but again ayra would’ve been included. i can’t say he’s just attracted to longer hair cause all of them have long hair, and i can’t say it’s that he thinks lighter colored hair is gorgeous because erinys with her trademark silessian green hair is there.

i might still say though he’s attracted to women who he immediately understands their convictions and motivations. by the time he meets ayra, presumably he would not be able to witness her devotion to shannan as strongly as, say, sigurd would have. but lachesis he’d see her desire to be strong for her brother, erinys her love for her homeland and proper strict attitude, brigid her backstory as a rare female captain amongst pirates, and tailtiu her desire to follow claud no matter where. he’s less certain with ayra for reasons explained, edain because he just meets her in jail and his mind is fixated solely on getting out, and silvia because he only interprets her as a dancer and probably doesn’t immediately catch onto her attraction to lewyn.

tailtiu is the highest, so i’m going to interpret that as him either thinking thunder magic is extremely intimidating and awesome or because he just likes girls in ponytails. him having a higher growth with silvia and tailtiu tells me he gets along better with girls who are upbeat but have a sadness underneath it, and he might just naturally feel more for them as time goes on.

his jealousy rates are complicated cause genealogy separates priority for first gen hardcore based on whether or not you’ve turned your console on and off again yet. a shared theme between the two versions though is that edain and ayra more easily get jealous over dew. also interesting is that dew’s jealousy rates post-resetting are identical to jamke’s -- a fact i choose to believe because dew and jamke likely hang out a lot around one another in the game, solidified by their ch5 convo having dew getting uncharacteristically sentimental on the archer prince before running off.

iuchar:

iuchar’s rates are mostly 0+2 so standard fare but the unique stuff comes to predictably larcei and more unpredictably tine.

larcei is set to 200+2 which i think makes sense considering he literally gets recruited under the pretense that he’s so in love with larcei that he’s willing to betray his family for her. i know the rate is set lower because he’s recruited in the first chapter of the first gen, but i want to believe that it’s a nod to the fact that he’s not as head over heels for larcei as he claims to be. again, 200 means he’s thinking about her but not necessarily in love with her. the fact that they have a growth of 2 points per turn makes me believe that them developing a romantic relationship would be at a normal pace, just in general normal and not affected by his supposed affections for her. he wouldn’t be pushing things aggressively as a result, but also neither of them are necessarily extremely opposed to it.

tine is set to 0+3. this... i’m going to unpack when i get to her because i thought at first this was something specific to leif since leif and tine are predestined lovers ( a fancy term used to describe pairings the game recommends or otherwise they have conversations with one another ) but i’m beginning to realize there’s something else here.

i can’t analyze iuchar’s jealousy rates because i can only see iucharba’s, and although the two have identical love growths and bases with one another, i don’t feel right just assuming their jealousy rates are the same. if they ARE though, it’s a wild time cause it’s:

nanna > larcei > fee > tine > lene > lana > patty > altena

tine:

i promised to deliver on analyzing iuchar’s rate with her here and yeah.

tine’s set to 0+3 with EVERYONE. EVERYONE. NO EXCEPTIONS. thank you for consistency for starters but oh boy.

so since i’m running on the idea that +2 is normal for love growths, i have no choice but to recognize that tine just falls in love really quickly. a +4 growth DOES exist though it’s basically for brigid only. the only other weirdly high love growth rate to be featured in game is finn who has a +10 with brigid and tailtiu because finn has only 50 turns to fall in love with either of those two so good luck and hope those jealousy rates don’t kill you if that’s your aim. regardless, all of tine’s romances edge on whirlwind romances. but why?

well, i have a feeling it ties into the fact that tine is supposed to be the second gen deirdre equivalent. this is showcased by her lover’s convo with seliph where she remarks that she doesn’t want to end up just like deirdre. this does not happen in any other lovers convo with seliph, so i’m pretty sure that’s just her role. her having silver hair, being associated with purple, a mage, and also a sheltered girl also helps the connections further.

tine’s fast rates ensure that no matter whom she falls in love with, it’ll be fast-paced in a way similar to how deirdre’s relationship with sigurd went. there’s nothing to make someone fall in love at first sight with tine, but she’s quick to fall in love with and reciprocate.

her jealousy rates are a bit more complicated to look at, but a general note is that she’s the girl that gets the most jealous easily over ced hinting at her own preference to him. behind that, in order, are ulster, diarmuid, oifey and iucharba equally, shannan and ares equally, and then every other guy. i don’t really know how to interpret that except that barring ced, i guess she just. favors the tirnanog gang i guess???

febail:

febail apparently ALSO HAS A 0+3 WITH EVERYONE except julia and lene. i have literally no explanation for this the way i did tine, but i’m going to try.

i’m going to interpret this to mean that febail falls in love easier than he lets on. this might be a byproduct of him being a sensitive person at heart, something shown and exemplified by how he serves as a father figure to all the orphans in conote. hell, he even has a card where they’re all crying as they’re rushing to hug him.

febail indiscriminately falls in love, and perhaps him being kind of bad at hiding how sentimental and compassionate he is towards the orphans is what helps others fall in love with him quickly too.

except lene and julia. lmao. i get why julia is the exception, but i just think it’s really funny that lene also isn’t falling for this dude easily either. which might just say something about lene’s maturity and inability to just recklessly develop affections for others.

febail has the MOST confusing jealousy rates in my opinion because his is just. altena > everybody else. the reason why it’s weird that altena gets jealous over him easily is because altena shouldn’t be falling in love with anyone. it’s not even like julia’s case where julia is 0+0 for everyone except seliph. altena has NO rates or bases.

febail how did you do it,

coirpre:

i already kinda talked about his love growths and bases in this post but i’ll talk more about it cause there’s definitely stuff i missed.

coirpre’s spread is like this:

julia 0+0 / lana 220+3 / muirne 220+3 / larcei 0+2 / creidne 0+2 / nanna 0+2 / jeanne 0+0 / fee 0+2 / hermina 0+2 / patty 200+3 / daisy 0+3 i think / tine 0+3 / linda 0+3

him being lategame can help explain some of these but i don’t think that’s the right assumption to make? mostly because his bases and growths aren’t all across the board like how tailtiu’s are, and she’s in your army for around the same amount of time that coirpre is in yours. but they also still let him fall in love unlike altena who, as said before, should logically not fall in love but also you can rig jealousy rates i guess.

it’s also interesting because coirpre is one of the few instances where he differentiates between substitutes considering he will express absolute zero interest in jeanne no matter what but he’s open to falling in love with nanna.

there’s not really much of a common thread between all of the notable rates here, but minus tine and linda, you could say he’s taken a bias towards other characters seen as support units in a way. lana, muirne, patty, and daisy are not intended to be frontline soldiers. however, nanna and jeanne are out of the running for this, so it’s not a hard-pressed rule for him. it still makes sense that he probably hangs out more with other support units considering he himself is one.

his dynamic with patty and his dynamic with lana would probably be extremely different since lana is the more soft-spoken and sweet character whilst patty openly bickers with him. hence why i can’t say it’s a personality thing tying him to any biases.

coirpre has some of the highest bases in the game because of his being 200 or more with some of the characters. this implies he’s definitely taken a fancy to lana, muirne and patty upon first meeting them. if it weren’t muirne and nanna, i’d just say he has a preference for blondes and be done with it but of course things are Complicated.

coirpre has jealousy rates too, with his being patty > lana > altena > other girls. this gives insight to how girls feel about HIM and he’s not actually the least complicated scale, his having more people ranked than lester, febail, seliph and leif. he’s more attracted to lana at first sight but patty is more likely to feel things for him.

also altena is there for some reason. i’m DOUBLY confused on account of her not supposed to be falling in love and also the fact that coirpre sees her as a mother figure.

deimne:

deimne’s rates are identical to lester’s, not really surprising considering that he serves as lester’s substitute but only a bit surprising to me considering he has different lover’s conversations. regardless, his are pretty lackluster too, being 0+2 for everyone except julia, tine and linda.

tine and linda are at 0+3 again and julia is at 0+0. i don’t have much to add besides what’s already been said in tine’s section, but these bases DO reflect his lack of desire to interact with the nobles. doesn’t really apply that way to the substitutes though but eh. he’s still not really rejecting anyone though since he’s at +2 as opposed to +1 or +0.

i’m going to assume deimne’s jealousy rates are also identical to lester’s which means his is patty and daisy > altena > other girls. daisy and patty definitely makes sense to me since he has lover convos with them. altena is once again a wild card crashing in out of nowhere.

cause why avoid hanging out with nobles when you can have a princess of TWO houses getting jealous over you i guess.

only other notable thing is that deimne has an arc that i find sweet with his childhood friend karen who is not playable. it’s implied that she has feelings for him but he doesn’t really notice. this isn’t reflected in mechanics, but it’s a tangentially related subject.

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lanceville · 6 years

Note

Hello, I really want to get this out of my mind, so I hope I do not bother you, if I bother you please ignore me, ok this will be long. I saw one of your previous answers, where you say that you feel different or with a weird mood, I've also been feeling weird, and I've been thinking about things that really stress me, I'm in a mood so pessimistic and depressing that I come crazy and terrible ideas about many things (part1)

one of those strange thoughts is this: LM and JDS have said (or so I’ve heard correct me if I’m wrong) that they do not want to talk much to avoid surprises about the plot of the following seasons … so I came this horrible thought. if they for example do not want to ruin the surprise about Klance by becoming a canon, Why do they talk so much about them? (part2)

why they give the fans so many hopes and make them believe that they will become canon if they want it to be a “surprise”?. then my pessimistic thoughts lead me to this, the surprise is not klance becoming canon, the surprise will be that another ship either All//ance, K and R or even worse She//ith is the one that will become canon. So if I’m not bothering you I’d appreciate it if you answered this, I’m sorry for bothering you with this stupidity (last part)

it’s alright bro, i gotchu.

first, it’s true that lm and jds and known to be super secretive about the plot and upcoming events, and they have been vague about lance’s and keith’s relationship until this interview. there are instances were they were talked about them in a romantic context several times too but i’m just gonna focus on this video for now. there are two reasons that they have decided to openly talk about it like that:

1. they were approached specifically by the author of this article to hear out what they think about the “science behind shipping,” since they’re the executive producers of the show with the most popular ship on the internet.

2. they’ve realized it’s necessary to keep avoiding klance at this point. the klance fandom is huge, and no matter how much they try hide who the endgame will be or even sway us a little bit from it, the klance fandom only grows each time. they never expected klance to gain such a huge fanbase so quickly and for the fans to pick up on the hints that easily. it was as if they were still in shock and denial that their endgame surprise has been exposed, but there’s no use denying it at this point. they know we’ll forever believe in the ship, so since everything’s exposed, they don’t see why they can’t engage with the fans about them. if it is really not the endgame ship, they would’ve tried to do more damage control to not break the hopes and fail the expectations of the fans later, but they only spoke positively about klance in that video.

and don’t allow yourself to think that, annonie. i know that it’s really worrying because of how little keith and lance have interacted in the past few seasons, but that does not mean in any way that their relationship has regressed. season six especially was the very definition of intense, and there was barely any time for keith to interact with any of the other paladins besides shiro. keith, especially, was under a lot of pressure, and they were all stressed. but now since everything’s calmed down and keith’s finally back on the team, things will get better. have faith.

(gonna put the rest under read more bc this has tuned way longer than expected)

and about other ships becoming canon, you can rule that idea out by the process of elimination.

keith/romelle and keith/allura are never gonna happen. you know why?

the endgame is between two main characters (”characters who have been present since the beginning″ aka the paladins). romelle isn’t

keith and allura have only ever interacted in what would seem like (but it isn’t) a romantic fashion in s2, and it was just bc of keith’s heritage. even though it’s kinda disappointing since i’d like to see more of their friendship, they’ve barely interacted with each other outside of missions. there’s no way they’re gonna develop romantic feelings for each other when neither has shown interest in the other.

literally

also dude keith’s clearly not straight. no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, the man isn’t. one look at him is enough to know that.

biggest proof is allura, a gorgeous space princess who everybody swoons over, falling right into his arms and him not even blinking a goddamn eye. his indifferent expression still cackles me tbh.

also, it’s known that the endgame involves lance, so if it’s a ship that does not include lance, then nah it’s not happening.

not gonna even bother with why shiteihaha will never become canon in a bazillion realities because it’s ridiculously clear as to why to those who have at least 2 functional brain cells. don’t even let that idea cross your mind.

this leaves us with all//ance. tbh, it did have a chance of becoming canon up until s5. but dude, after watching s6, i was like “did they just really kill this ship.” all//ance is really cute and sweet, and i wouldn’t have minded it becoming canon since both allura and lance really care about each and i loooooooooove their friendship so goddamn much. but this is the thing. what allura and lance have is friendship. they both were really good friends up until the writers decided to bring lance’s crush back from the bottomless pits for drama’s sake. lance’s crush on allura is so valid man. he truly does like her. but the thing that killed the ship wasn’t this; it was the whole love triangle drama. allura fell in love with lotor and never requited lance’s feelings even when she knew about them, meaning she does not view lance that way, and it’s her right - she can like whoever she wants. the writers said that romance will happen naturally in the show. if allura would ever reciprocate lance’s feelings, she would’ve at least displayed some signs of that at this point. she got to know lance and see some of his greatest moments. she even got to experience what lance dying would feel like, yet she still didn’t develop any romantic feelings towards him. if feelings of loss and grieve didn’t make her realize how important lance is to her romantically, then that’s because there are no romantic feelings present in the first place. it would not make sense at all for her to develop feelings for him later on. she cares deeply about him as a friend, and romantic love is not some upgraded form of friendship love - it’s a totally different type of the same class, and that’s what she feels about him.

it would be utterly cruel and unfair for both if they end up together after the shit that has happened in s6. allura would never find a lotor in lance, and lance would always feel inferior if he gets with allura because he know’s he’s no lotor - that he isn’t who she wants (lance is much better than all the boys in the entire universe and whoever has him is literally the luckiest person ever but this is not the point so moving on). allura’s feelings for lance would not be genuine, which would make allura feel bad because she would never want to make lance feel like a rebound or a second choice. lance, on the other hand, really likes allura, and being the helplessly selfless person he is, would accept to be allura’s rebound while being fully aware of it and accepting his fate as a second choice which, god, would take a heavy fricking toll on his already bad self-esteem issues. seriously man, every time i think about them getting together after s6, their relationship is just full of heartbreak and hurt, and i don’t want either of them to feel like that because they don’t deserve it. even the showrunners admitted that them getting together right after would be a disservice to both of them. i fucking love them both and their friendship so much and i don’t want anything to ruin it.

i wanna also elaborate on another point. if you’ve noticed, allura and lance shared a couple scenes that paralleled klance’s but they’re slightly more romantically-coded (the scene might seem this way but since allura has 0 romantic interest in lance it ain’t, but anyway). the reason i think they included such parallels is to tell the audience that, “if you see those a///rance scenes as romantic, then those previous klance scene were meant to be romantic as well :)” as i mentioned before, the writers were quite surprised we have picked up on klance pretty quickly and early. since they might’ve thought we wouldn’t, they might’ve thought “something” was needed to hint at where they’re planning on taking klance’s relationship, and that “something” is all//ance. but unlike all/urance’s scenes (especially the dying lance moment which resembled the bonding moment) where the romantic interest is one-sided, the similar feelings in klance’s scenes are reciprocated by both parties (bonding!!!! moment!!!!).

now then, guess which ship we’re left with!!!!! yup! it’s klance. i could go on and on and on and on about how they!!! are!!! gonna!!! be!!! canon!!! but i’ve seriously spoken too much (and i cant feel my fingers anymore erfberk) and i don’t even know if you even have read it all the way to end bc ik i’m quite boring when i explain stuff ebjrvkebr but!!! seriously dude. just go rewatch s3. that’s all the confirmation you need of their budding romance. they have some of the most trope-y romantic scenes. and dude, i say all that but, whatever happens, i will forever believe that there’s no better ship in this show than klance. nothing will surpass it.

edit: gonna just add the petty ask i sent voltron (that i knew they were never gonna answer but i had to send it nonetheless bc i needed to let the salt inside me out somehow lmao) because it’s succinct and summarizes what i said above lmao

#uhhhhh this turned REALLY long actually.... rip........#i'm sorry for replying late! i just needed to choose the right day to allot some time to replying to this properly #hope i could ease your worry a bit????#mp #analysis #klance #anon #asks

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egg2k16 · 6 years

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nyewwo i have a couple of oc questions bc i Need to know what ur fave oc ships are n what they're like together and also which of ur ocs are siblings :0?

hENLO!!!

this got long, so it’ll be under the cut!

ok so oc ships, here we gooo:

Lin/Abhivir: they’re an established relationship at the beginning of the story, and I really like them together bcus they’re very kind and patient and sweet w/each other. They know how to love each other. They’ve spent years together, and they kinda grew into each other, y’know?

I didn’t like the idea of making them break up, but it was for storytelling purposes :(

Lin/Fita: good shit™. When they meet, they’re apprehensive of each other but soon grow close and inseparable, they’re a very passionate pair. They worry a lot about the other, and they’re there for each other thru thick and thin

Haidar/Cabayo: I love this ship bcus they bring out the best/worst in each other. Haidar makes Cabayo’s wild side come out, and Cabayo makes Haidar’s soft, caring side come out. They’re wild for each other

Nemusa/Derryn: Nemusa is a nervous wreck, but so is Derryn, the difference is is that Derryn can calm the 2 down. They’re basically “love at first sight” and they’re that fairytale type of love™

Estrella/Otsìtsya: tbh my ideal meet-cute for them would’ve been the meet-cute Bambi had w/Thumper, for me they’re just Like That! When I think of them, I think of flowers blooming in the sun. A very innocent type of love, and they’re so excited about being together

James/John: gay. It’s the epitome of the opposites attract trope. James is fast, anxious, jittery and John is calm, tranquil, wise. They complement each other, and they find the perfect equilibrium. When James retires, he retires to John’s farm so that they can be together forever

Koemi/Chiyoko: ok so my friend and I wanted to make a lesbian sports anime, and I was the only one who actually made characters, anyways it’s a gymnastics anime and Koemi is this bubbly cheerful girl who loves meeting people, and she’s very talkative, meanwhile Chiyoko is Tall and Silent but she’s secretly very shy and easily flustered. Koemi helps Chiyoko get out of her shell, and together they’re the unstoppable team to sweep gold at the Olympics

The Vulture/The Crow: I made up my own mythos, and in my world, there are 2 gods of death, the Literal Death (ex. a dead body) (Vulture) and the Figurative Death (ex. crushed dreams, dead inside) (Crow). They didn’t cross paths much, but one day they met in a cemetery and fell in love. When u see a vulture and a crow flying together, that’s them

Ant Queen/Her 15 Wives: in the same mythos, I have a Queen of Ants who’s the patron of laborers and cities, and she has 15 wives. It’s just a thing that happens. Her priestesses are all lesbians. The Queen of Ants is also the patron of lesbians. So are her wives

my sibling ocs:

Estrella has an older brother named Josué! He’s next in line as leader of their band, but in the meantime he’s head of the guards. They’re goofy together, but since he’s older he’s a bit wise and makes sure that the band is safe, and he knows that he can achieve that w Estrella backing him up

Fita has a 12 year old sister named Mercedes! Even tho Fita is swamped in politics and all that, taking care of her village, she always makes time to hang out w/her sister. Mercedes is a free-spirited girl, and she doesn’t mind when Fita has to work a lot bcus she trusts that her big sister is doing her best for everyone

Larkspur, Bodhi, and Tipu are my fankids for Harry/Neville in HP. Asteria and Rowan are my fankids for Luna/Ginny. Larkspur was from a surrogate and Bodhi and Tipu were adopted from India (bcus I hc Harry as half-Desi), and they’re all very loving w/each other. Asteria and Rowan are quieter kids, but they stick by each other through anything that comes at them

Punk Pastel and Strawberry Gal – ok so I also made plans to make a comic w another friend of mine but it didn’t come to fruition, so: Punk Pastel and Strawberry Gal are traveling the universe in search for a cure for the curse on Strawberry Gal (she was turned into a plant spirit, hence her strawberry theme). Punk Pastel might exasperate Strawberry Gal a lot, but there isn’t anything that she wouldn’t do for her. Punk Pastel looks out for her sis bcus she’s the only family she’s got, which is why she’s so protective

thank u for asking this, u added 10 years to my lifespan

#question #my ocs #alex #:D

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acradaunt · 6 years

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Thought I should write up my own thoughts on the MHWorld demo for a certain particular XBox owner.

Thoughts are quite positive, but I don't think that's a huge surprise. Definitely the biggest downer is that female armour still completely suuucks. 0/6 sets contain actual pants. Male Anjanath is basically male Pink Rathian armour (full plate, helm and all), while female Anjanath is basically Dalamadur's G-Rank armour (worn by the GS in the 4U demo). Basically a metal bikini with a big furry/spiky cape-thing. Great for a barbarian look, absolutely, and perhaps fits Anjanath's personality better. But, uh, it's a drastic design difference from the simple and understated male version. And if you wanna be a tankgirl, it's kind of a big ol' middle finger.

The new way skills work is about 40000x better and more intuitive. Every part gives a level in a skill, and every level has some value. I seriously wonder why it took this long to come up with such a simple and elegant solution. I believe that random charms, sockets, and decorations are all gone. I honestly wouldn't mind one bit.

Jagras (and most of the non-critical wandering monsters; Kulu Ya-Ku, not-Chameleos, and not-Lavasioth) were complete jokes. Like, less threatening than Great Jaggi. Barroth was a bit easy, but all-in-all, felt the most fun to fight. He certainly wasn't the towering, mud-spamming titanic jackass he was in Tri. Anjanath takes like 12-15 minutes to kill, and varies between hitting for like 20-30 damage and 110 damage (of 150, in case that wasn't clear). Rathalos likewise does 25-40 on basic nicks, but taking that fireball or homing claws to the face does 135 damage, and is basically instant death. It reminds me of the Hypers and Deviants having certain random attacks do absolutely ridiculous amounts of damage. It doesn't feel all that great, but it's probably more honest. It puts emphasis back on the big, flashy attacks, and them bumping you to death isn't as big a deal. Roars and Stuns aren't as impactful, but annoying as ever. I kinda feel like 'hey, why can't I move?' and don't really feel like what's causing it. Probably because Gen really kicked up the roar's effect, and with Earplugs, I used that all the time as my golden opportunity to fire out a big Hunter Art.

Noooow, weapon changes. I'm feeling pretty smug about the changes to the GS; it basically confirmed for me that my GS playstyle, and Guild Style for the GS, was the 'correct' method to use it, and all the people who called me a dumb c*** for not running away after every draw were wrong. ANd assholes. You can charge even more than ever, and Tackle you can do can stop you from getting ragdolled every four seconds.

I was pretty sure I'd be back to feeling rather lukewarm about the Lance, after losing Absolute Evade and Shield Assault for quick-sheathes and/or 'get-out-of-bullshit-free', but I think I like it more than ever. The decreased loss of Stamina completely makes up for its losses. Dashing for days and getting loads of free pot-shots on fleeing monsters is hilarious. Blocking also seems to be worth a damn, as not EVERY. SINGLE. attack causes kickback, nullifying your counter-attack, or does multi-hit, causing you to get murdered during your counterattack frames (Astalos notably did this on every attack). Or maybe it's just that most guys in the demo aren't that big of dudes. Getting joust & jump back is also great, and seriously might put Lance in the running for best mounting weapon. That said, mounting itself doesn't feel as good as it did in 4U/Gen. Maybe it's just the less clear interface.

I like to think that for Maces they took the Striker-combo (the version without a golf-swing) and made that the Circle attack, rather than a wholly useless side slap. I felt like I totally devastated Anjanath with it (who, unlike every other Brute Wyvern, is graceful enough to have his head low enough to reach with the Mace), but still timed out. Maybe I spent too much time wandering first (probable), or maybe the demo Mace is exceptionally weak, as it has Paralysis on it, and Gen's Para/Sleep weapons were remarkably bad in raw offense.

Easily the 'most improved' award goes to the Bowguns. Maybe not surprising, but having a decent second stick makes a lot of difference. More than that, though, is you can move and shoot; you're not a total sitting duck when multi-shotting bullets. I fought Barroth with a LBG, and got hit exactly once, and Barroth did pretty unimpressive damage, instead of the insta-kill it woulda been in the past. Thinking on it, I have LITERALLY never not seen a bowgunner NOT triple cart. Or at least double cart. The non-dedication of armour and defense boost involved alone makes them actually usable. The new bonus fire stuff is wacky. LBG's mines are hilarious; dump 'em on a downed monster, and you can get multiple melee punches in for 100+ damage. HGB has long-range mortars (they might not be new, though, TBH) and the machine-gun thing from the first trailer. It also has a sniping thing, but that seemed astoundingly unimpressive.

Switch Axe's explosive discharge now just freaking grabs you onto the monster, and between that very distinct confirmation and the numbers, actually feels great, and not the 'oh, did I miss? It didn't even react to my huge explosion' of the past. Previously, you could enter Sword Mode at 50%, and reloading it gave a full 50%. Add on Gen's Demon Riot and Energy Charge, and the Switch Axe half might as well not have existed. Now, while you can enter at about 33% charge, reloading only gives 33%, too, and it can drain kinda fast, so there's reason to use it in Switch Axe mode. It's weaker than Gen's SA, sure, but it feels like a far better weapon. It helps that the transformations now include attacks themselves, making Switch Axing mid-fight an actual thing.

Hunting Horn is improved enough just be seeing the notes like XX would've added, but the fact you can chain songs into each other means you always have ALL your songs active, all the time. It kinda feels less interesting, weirdly. You're like, 'oh, now what should I do' during the fight, instead of desperately going into the menu repeatedly mid-fight because you have the memory of a knat while doing sick flips off everything's back so you can play the notes in relative peace in midair.

Sword and Shield is more like Shield and Sword, having even better Shield attacks added again. The reverse-shoryuken after the leaping attack is kinda spotty and inaccurate, but the leaping attack itself isn't as important for re-positioning, either. The loss of Whirlwind Slash and Oils ultimately results in me liking World SnS less than the Gen version of it.

Katana has a couple more moves than just 'try to spam out Spirit, uh, whatsitcalled', but is still mostly the same. If you're not a fan of the Spirit Gauge, not caring via Sakura Slash is still probably the more fun version of the weapon. Bow is the same, but with one special attack that takes forever and a day to charge. It's still the best the Bow's been, but I'm still not 100% sold on it. Charge Blade has a weird slidey-thing and can charge the blade itself, too. Nifty, but feels like it'd be impossible to do within actual combat. Dual Blades are almost identical. I still don't give a damn about Insect Glaive and Gunlance.

Mantles and such are pretty much better, global, Hunter Arts with a more honest recharge time. Challenger is Mace's Taunt and the Healing spike is one of the generic HAs nobody ever uses. It's hard to get a feel for a Palico's value and options from the demo, but the fact you can personally tell it to heal/flash/taunt, rather than having to hope they don't do something stupid is a huuuge step up.

I saw you can save 140+ armour sets, so I can most certainly redo the 'save a set for every monster' thing that I did in Gen. Couldn't set items, but I imagine it's also an unreasonably high number. You lose out on that 4th excess item pouch that Gen/4U had, but instead, all ore and monster parts have a whole separate, even bigger bag they get dumped into. Mining is stupidly fast, and you get a whole whack of 2-5 mushrooms/honey in a single pick. Gathering for supplies in the middle of a rough fight absolutely seems viable. Potion drinking-and-moving is great, but all-in-all, it feels like other things even it out. Changing sets at camp could be stellar for multi-monster fights, or even just 'oh, face is busted, time to put away the gun, and stab it in the face directly'.

I'm sure there's other things I have to say buuuut somehow I've taken like an hour and a half to write what I meant to do in like ten minutes sooo that's probably a good reason to stop blabbing.

#Monster Hunter World #Monster Hunter

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junker-town · 5 years

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The Eagles are a dysfunctional mess, on and off the field

Things haven’t gone well for Carson Wentz and the Eagles in 2019.

The Eagles’ problems are starting to pile up, Gardner Minshew suddenly looks like a rookie, and Sam Darnold’s body is rejecting itself.

In retrospect, the warning signs that not all was right in the Eagles’ locker room have been there since January.

A week after the Eagles’ playoff loss to the Saints, a PhillyVoice report was not flattering to quarterback Carson Wentz. In the article, which cited several anonymous sources, Wentz was described as “selfish.” That was in stark contrast to his backup, Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles, who was beloved in the locker room and on the field when he was running the offense.

Many teammates publicly jumped to Wentz’s defense and denied there was any truth to the report. The hullabaloo quickly died down. Foles moved on the Jacksonville, and Wentz got a hefty new contract. The Eagles entered the season as a potential Super Bowl contender, thanks to a stacked roster that included a healthy Wentz, stout offensive line, dominant pass rush, and a strong group of playmakers.

Then the season started and the Eagles haven’t looked anywhere close to elite. They’re now 3-4 and only three teams have turned the ball over more than them. The Week 4 win over the Packers seems more baffling by the day, especially in comparison to Philly’s recent woes: blowout losses to the Vikings and the Cowboys. Dallas ran roughshod over its rivals in JerryWorld, handing the Eagles a humiliating 37-10 defeat after head coach Doug Pederson had more or less promised his team would win. Instead, for the first time since Pederson took over, the Eagles have given up more than 30 points in back-to-back games.

The situation might be even messier behind the scenes. Unnamed players have ripped Wentz and the offense, and criticized general manager Howie Roseman for not trading for Jalen Ramsey. Veterans Malcolm Jenkins, Lane Johnson, and Brandon Graham can’t seem to agree on whether the team has accountability issues. The cracks are showing, threatening to collapse the Eagles’ season fast.

Panic index: Perhaps winning will cure all, but things might get worse before they get better. The Eagles face a tough upcoming slate against the Bills, Bears, Patriots, and Seahawks, before they get an early December reprieve (Dolphins, Giants, Washington).

If the season goes belly up, then changes will come in the offseason. And who knows. Maybe Foles can find his way back to Philadelphia again.

Gardner Minshew looks like a rookie all of a sudden

Minshew Mania was fun while it lasted, but the Jaguars’ rookie quarterback doesn’t look like a sensation anymore. After nine touchdowns and one interception in his first five games, Minshew has one touchdown and one interception in his last two. He completed less than half his passes in those underwhelming performances and was lucky to get through them with just one pick.

If Bengals cornerback B.W. Webb hadn’t been wearing a cast on his arm, he probably would’ve caught at least one of the two passes Minshew lobbed directly his way.

The problem for Minshew has been a complete breakdown of his pocket presence. The poise he showed earlier in the year has devolved into panic — even when there’s no pressure at all. One of those bouts of pocket anxiety cost the Jaguars a touchdown against the Bengals.

What. Is. He. Doing. Back. There????? Minshew get it together bro pic.twitter.com/jteejitHGY

— Laurie Fitzpatrick (@LaurieFitzptrck) October 20, 2019

Earlier in October, it looked like Nick Foles had no shot at reclaiming his spot as the starter in Jacksonville this season. But if Minshew can’t get his mojo back, the veteran may have to step in after all once he comes off injured reserve.

Panic index: Earning Rookie of the Week honors in four of the first five weeks made it easy to forget that Minshew was a sixth-round pick in April. Struggles were always to be expected. They’re only surprising now because Minshew managed to avoid them for a month.

It’s too early to say that a couple bad games mean we’ll never again see the version of Minshew who was tearing up the league earlier this fall.

Sam Darnold is literally falling apart, folks

And no, we’re not talking about the fact that he threw four interceptions against the Patriots on Monday night. Physically, Sam Darnold is falling apart.

Earlier in the season, Darnold missed three games after he contracted mononucleosis, which enlarged his spleen. During a press conference when he was talking about his recovery, he talked about actively not trying to die:

"I wanna make sure that I'm safe out there, and that I'm not gonna die" – Sam Darnold pic.twitter.com/w0J1MiZ2TL

— Jets Videos (@snyjets) October 3, 2019

When he was finally cleared to return against the Dallas Cowboys, he had to wear protective pads that provided extra cushion for his spleen:

Sam Darnold from the Jets will be wearing these protective shoulder pads pic.twitter.com/v1YCWujUhW

— ENRIQUE CABEZUELA (@Enrique66573043) October 13, 2019

Although Darnold’s outing against the Cowboys was impressive — he threw for 338 yards and two touchdowns — he came back to earth against the Pats, completing just 34 percent of his passes for 86 yards. Oh, and he’s seeing ghosts now? That’s what ESPN’s cameras caught him saying while he was mic’d up on-air:

Sam Darnold is mic’d up and he came to the sidelines and said, “I’m seeing ghosts.” (Via @ESPN) pic.twitter.com/9MoM6Rkmo5

— Dan Roche (@RochieWBZ) October 22, 2019

Unfortunately the jokes don’t exactly stop there, as Darnold is suffering another, um, very strange injury:

Sam Darnold had a toenail removed, per Gase. He'll be fine.

— Manish Mehta (@MMehtaNYDN) October 22, 2019

We’re not sure why Darnold’s body is basically rejecting his existence, but get well soon, Sam.

Panic index: Surely Darnold won’t add to his weird injury history this week, right?

Oh, the Jets are playing in Jacksonville. Then yeah, he’s definitely leaving there with a new disease.

Melvin Gordon’s contract year could not be going much worse

Gordon sat out the first four weeks of the 2019 NFL season while angling for either a trade or a contract extension that would pay him like a top-five running back. He got neither, and returned to the Chargers’ lineup in Week 5 in hopes of being the spark LA had been missing. A big performance wouldn’t just thrust the club back into the playoff race, but also boost the veteran tailback’s value as free agency looms in 2020.

Yet Gordon has only added to the Chargers’ misery. In three games — all losses — he’s run for a grand total of 81 yards, needing 36 carries to get there (a 2.3 YPC average). While he scored his first touchdown of the season on a Philip Rivers pass in Week 7, that’s not what he’ll be remembered for after an eventful Sunday in Nashville.

Instead, it will be the two stuffed runs at the goal line late in the fourth quarter of a 23-20 game — the latter of which resulted in a game-ending fumble that took away Los Angeles’ shot at kicking a game-tying field goal at the end of regulation.

"I don't want them to gain another yard... If they cross the line of scrimmage, I'm going to take every last one of you out. You make sure they remember the night they played the #Titans." pic.twitter.com/o4Pb5CBpAQ

— Tennessee Titans (@Titans) October 21, 2019

That was bad. And it’s so, so much worse when you consider what Austin Ekeler, the man who’d taken over RB1 duties in Gordon’s absence, did on the very same afternoon:

Melvin Gordon - 18 touches for 29 total yards, 1 TD, and 2 (really 3) fumbles. Austin Ekeler - 12 touches 125 total yards, a TD and 0 Fumbles.

— Bolts From The Blue (@BFTB_Chargers) October 20, 2019

Panic index: Gordon can still attribute some of these struggles to rust, but the fact he’s getting so badly outplayed by someone who’d been a situational back in 2018 is troubling. General managers won’t easily forget that when they’re sorting out their free agent budgets next spring — nor will they forget that, so far, 2018 has been the only season Gordon’s averaged more than four yards per carry.

It’s only going to get tougher for the Bears

The Bears are off to a rocky start, with a 3-3 record after a 12-4 season a year ago. They have an incredible defense, but an offense that has been stagnant under the watch of third-year quarterback Mitchell Trubisky. They still have plenty of time to turn things around, but unfortunately for them, their schedule doesn’t get any easier.

While they will be favored against teams like the Chargers and Lions, both teams are capable of putting up numbers that Trubisky can’t touch. They have the Rams in mid-November, as well as an upcoming game against the Eagles.

December is where it gets really tricky, though. They have a four-game stretch against the Cowboys, Packers, Chiefs, and Vikings. They have already lost to the Packers once while beating the Vikings, but Minnesota looks a lot better now than they did a couple weeks ago.

Unless they make a trade, this is Trubisky’s show going forward and that, so far, hasn’t been working.

Panic index: The Bears can’t afford to drop any “winnable” games with their December stretch. If they’re on the outside looking in on the playoffs by the time those games roll around, they may be in trouble. It all starts with beating the Chargers next, and potentially sweeping the Lions.

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survivor-rotuma · 5 years

Text

Ep. 4: “Wow my team is shit!!!” - Lysandre

Joey G

So I’ve had a really busy few days, but luckily my connection with Felix not only scored me a spot on my OG tribe’s majority alliance, but I also ended up with him on the swap tribe and leveraged his connections to join a new majority alliance with Lysandre and Raul. Now that work seems to be slowing down a bit, I have to kick it into high gear to secure my position on the tribe as well as make bonds that can help me come merge time.

Charlie

I feel very confident about my vote this tribal, pretty sure I won't be blindsided either

Apollo

You wanted some tea sis? Well here you go! The bruschetta alliance is probably really weak as in power sense but I think we’re strong as in our connections with each other. A tribe swapped occurred and thank god I bonded with Felix and the rest of the bruschetta alliance did as well. We all ended up on his tribe and I’m grateful to be on the safe tribe this round. The tea is? I really like Felix but I kind of want to vote him out at the first chance possible. He’s really good at challenges (and yes I’m completely basing this off of a puzzle score) and his charisma is far too high and he’s really likeable. He’s a fucking threat. And yes I do Iike him a lot but I want to be the prom king not the runner up.

Lysandre

Hi this iis Lysandre the Lion and the lier coming at you live from the WHAT THE FUCK IM ON MEA NOW.

Lysandre

Ok so there was no swap and we are back on our OG tribes until MERGE and that makes me feel so bad because It makes my chances of using the idol go up by a bunch! and PLUS THE NEW CHALLENGE IS A SCAVENGER HUNT, aka my least favorite challenge ever.

Felix

"Alright so big things have happened since my last confessional. First off, I can't believe Jay pulled that Twistos twist on us! I was so ready to move on with my alliance with Raul, Lysandre, and Joey. Plus, I was also ready to create an alliance with Apollo with whomever he deemed worthy. Oh, well. At least that means I do not have to betray anyone yet. Plus, it means that I get back with Tuai Quad LLC which means Cassie cannot use her advantage on me. Overall, this twist didn't hurt me, but I would've liked more time to establish bonds. Oh well. At least this means I have like 3 alliances at merge if all of those people make it to the merge.

Joey says that we should keep the Golden Alliance between us. I guess that's fine. I mean if it ever comes to light then I do have an excuse ready. Though I don't know how well it would work. Plus, it makes him think we have this hared secret together and that we are this Final 2 duo. It'll be good to keep up a good reputation with him.

Cassie says she wants to target Marie at merge. That could be a risky and game-changing move on her part if it succeeds. She sees Marie as the head of the Mea tribe, so it'd be good to get rid of her. To be honest, it wouldn't be such a bad thing for Cassie to target Marie. After all, it would put the target on her back and not mine if the move goes through or not. Depending on my decision to side with either Tuai or Mea, it could put me in the best position in the game. I'd definitely be playing the middle in that case. Though I should not forget that Sumi also exists. They are probably the underdogs of this season, but I can't let hem go unnoticed. As long as I can keep playing the middle, I'll be golden. Hopefully, we can vote out someone irrelevant on the first tribal at merge to keep the two sides butting heads.

I don't know how well I will do in this challenge though. The Scavenger Hunt is always hit or miss for me. However, even if we do go to tribal, it'll definitely be Charlie who will get voted out. I think of Charlie as wildcard in this scenario. I cannot have him get to merge because I basically don't talk to him. He could easily flip on me and Tuai. Let's see how this goes."

Zest

woah jay! you really got me thinking I made the merge. Anyways, hyped for this scavenger hunt.

Brianna

Kind of. Really wish. We didn’t have to go back to our original tribes. Ugh. It’s a scavenger hunt competition and we had to sit one person out. No one was saying anything so I got randomly picked to sit out. I mean. I was fine with it. But we are less than 24 hours away from the challenge being finished and we have zero points. I can’t count on anyone on sumi. And if I end up getting voted out because of this I will throw a fit.

Marie

Wow, my closest ally left the game. I hope everything is ok! And I’m hoping lys Raul and I can stick together

Apollo

"Nobody: ...

Jay: it wasn’t a real swap! Go back to your old tribes until merge!

Me: https://68.media.tumblr.com/6f9f874d5d67596a06b123e372d682ee/tumblr_inline_og1vygJXEY1usj39c_500.gif"

Apollo

Anyways in all seriousness, I’m pretty shook that we’re staying in these tribes until merge if the merge is at f11. If it’s at f13 then no big deal. Borris and I have majority with Zest and Bradley and Brianna think they’re sitting pretty until we lose anyways and Zest knows about the foursome made without him so ideally I’m in a good spot with Borris. I would like to keep us all as long as possible but I’m very much not going to be upset if we lose Brianna and Bradley. Fuck it might even be good to be perceived as the weaker tribe going into merge. If we’re the “strongest” tribe then people are going to want to pick us off at the start and I’m not here for that.......Maybe....maybe we need to lose a challenge or two

Flint

This weeks immunity challenge is a blast but also a little more difficult then I had expected. Felix Cassie and I are doing our best and I hope it keeps Tuai out of trouble for one more round!

Flint

There has been a little whispering of idol talk and it’s kinda got me nervous. A few tribe mates have said they gone out hunting but also mentioned they believe someone already found it. I suspect that it’s Joey because he’s been a bit quiet so maybe he feels comfortable sitting back a bit with an idol in his pocket.

Felix

Kathleen quitting is kind of a shame. That means I can't work with her in the future, and I was already laying down the groundwork for it. Oh, well. At least now the pact I made with her and Raul can't be spread around or broken. I hope we don't go to tribal. I really don't have the mental energy for it. Plus, I didn't do that well in the challenge so maybe they'll just send me home. Who knows? All I know is that Charlie is getting my vote if we go to tribal.

Felix

I'm kind of sad that Mea is going to tribal again. They are the ones that I bonded with the most during the One World, and it is a shame to see such active people go home one by one. I hope it's Raul who goes because he's the least talkative out of Marie and Lysandre. Plus, I've talked to the other two extensively and have built strong bonds with them. We'll see what happens, but this is such a shame. Plus, if Marie stays then Cassie will still be able to target her still.

Zest

"what a fun scavenger hunt challenge. I am so grateful for my tribe. I also am really enjoying having an alliance. I hope to find something on an idol hunt soon. This competition is really starting to AMP UP!"

Lysandre

Wow my team is shit!!! Also I'm going to miss Steph- I mean Kathleen! So the challenge went terribly. Marie submitted like 6 items and Raul really carried the team with his 0 items what a legend. We are going to tribal as a tribe of 3 which is... new and I'm literally so pressd.

Cassie

I guess you could say I went a bit all out for this particular challenge. It was super fun to go around looking for stuff. Our tribe is doing really well still and we're anticipating a merge soon. We still have the numbers and I hope we can stick around to the final 5. Go Tuai!

Lysandre

I'm thinking of something iconic to say as an episode title but the flopness of my tribe keeps alerting Jay of Tribal Council.

Flint

Tuai lives to see another day! Watching Mea dwindle to 2 players after tonight is crazy to think about. I feel lucky to be apart of such a strong tribe and hope we stay aligned once we hit the merge, but I have a gut feeling someone from Tuai will flip and join the other players

Brianna

"Heheh it’s okay we won"

Marie

Wow, I think we’re the worst tribe in online survivor history

Felix

I can't believe that Apollo had a "Leaders Alliance" with Cassie and Marie. How shookening is that? He runs his mouth about starting an alliance with me, but already has one with people he considers the "leaders" of his tribe? Nah nah nah. He's way smarter than he lets on. He may think I'm a pawn and a good personality, but I am going to go after him at merge. Marie doesn't matter since she has no numbers and no tribe to fall back on. Apollo has been slowly building alliances with probably Zest, Boris, and/or Brianna. They're probably really tight at this point, so we need to be very careful of how we tread with Apollo. He needs to go. I think how it should go at merge would be (Random Non-Tuai Person) -> Marie (for Cassie's good side) -> Apollo (a big threat and we'd have the numbers if Tuai would work together) -> Cassie (cause she'd be a threat too). Tbh, I want everyone in that Leaders Alliance gone because if they think they're the top dogs then they got to go. They'd be too much of a threat as the numbers close down. And I want their blood all over my hands.

Felix

"I cannot just passively play this game lol. I'm currently trying to plant seeds in Flint's and Cassie's heads about Sumi's potential threat. They scare me the most going into merge because they are a big unknown factor. They have just as many people on their tribe as us, and we barely know anything about them or their play style. Cassie seems on board to keeping Marie around for a little bit, but we need to start taking care of Sumi's numbers. If Boris is right, then they all shouldn't be too inactive so it'll be easy to convince people to take out inactive people. I just hope we can convince Marie and Lysandre to take out Sumi as well.

One good thing to take away from all this is that I am not seen as a leader, just very active. It paints a target on Cassie's back and not my own. They'll be going after her first. I'll just have to play along with this narrative until I stab her in the back. "

Charlie

I feel like ill be up for elimination this week because I sat out of the challenge. Its making me really nervous tbh

Marie

3 person tribes are very hard to navigate. You feel on top but on the bottom at the same time! It’s really weird because raul thinks it’s lys, but lys and I voted for raul. But I don’t know if lys actually voted for raul???? What if they voted for me?

Joey

we went back to our original tribes, so i’m now reunited with the majority alliance. i didn’t have to do the challenge, i don’t have to go to tribal, and we still have charlie as someone on the outs if we ever lose a challenge. my path to merge is set!

Marie

This is the most silent I’ve seen our tribe and it’s scary

Apollo

Ummmm Fuck Mea’s drag? I guess

Marie

Wow this game makes me feel like a horrible person. I thought I’d get through this with no regrets but having to comfort the person you voted for and telling them they aren’t going home sucks

Raul

I'm probably going home unless I pull off the impossible like this is gonna be a mess I really hope, I don't leave cause that would be a shame , I really really hope I convinced Marie to vote out lys and lys doesn't want Marie here it could be a 1-1-1 vote wouldn't that be cute

0 notes

itsjulesharper · 7 years

Text

Bonjour, amis! Before we start on this recap, there’s a few things I have to draw your attention to. It appears to me (correct me if I’m wrong) that Season 2 plays out over a few months. I mean, I don’t see any winter scenes/change of season, any person looking visibly older or any other indications of the massive passing of time. Cassel is slowly being poisoned, and Louis spent maybe 2 or 3 nights in the nunnery with William of Orange. Philippe and Liselotte are married and now they are pregnant…. so, a month or two of shagging, then minimum of eight weeks where the baby sprouts and no one knows until the piss prophet announces it. So, what irks me is twofold: 1) the Dutch War went on for years. Hell, just travelling from the front then back to Paris took weeks. But it appears that Louis and his guards have found some kind of time portal to whoosh them quickly back. Yes, I know showing every aspect of travel across the country is damn boring. But I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more indication of the time it took. Even just a brief mention in dialogue “you have been gone for months now, Sire…” blah blah. And 2) the Affair of the Poisons literally spanned decades. If you want to read more about La Voison (who I am assuming Agathe was based on) then check out this article. Or maybe just read Holly Tucker’s book). Decades. it was a major – MAJOR! – scandal, implicating some of the most well-known names in French nobility. And it did not start with Voison’s arrest, oh, no. There were other things happening that Louis knew about. So all those years have been crammed into these ten eps, and tbh I’m just a bit over the whole poisoning thing now.

So, back to the story. We have left Montespan with creepy Father Etienne, who by his looks alone, is most definitely Up To No Good. We open here, with Montespan telling him he is not what she expected. He reveals that he is Father Etienne: “the church may have rejected me, but they cannot take away my faith.” She wants to know if he can do what she says she wants, and Etienne goes on a bit of a speech about harnessing nature, and not going against the natural order etc and coming from anyone else, it would be a cautionary monologue. but from him it’s downright ominous, words that are meant to challenge what Montespan wants, to see if she really wants them. Playing the devil’s advocate. Montespan rises to the bait: “in his soul he desires me more than anything.” Etienne wants to know if Louis is deserving of her love, and Montespan declares calmly and firmly that she would sacrifice her life for him. Ah, that should not be necessary, replies Etienne and now we hear the faint cry of a baby from somewhere in the creepy underground tomb/rooms. Montespan goes to look, then finds the baby, touching its cheek with a soft “she’s perfect” and that is weird and so out of character for her. Etienne replies that the world has no place for her, so “it falls upon me to find her peace,” then utters a prayer and a sign of the cross on the baby’s forehead and miraculously it stops crying. Montespan looks at the baby and yeah, I think she knows what’s going to happen. Etienne moves off, telling her of the duties she must perform before the ritual, certain rites, and Montespan is suddenly panicking, heading for the door and declaring that she is not sure she is ready for this. Etienne is a bit shitty: “Do you think this is a market place? That I am some simple merchant? Do you think this is some take-it-or-leave-it service to be dabbled in?” Montespan is scared, you can see it, but Etienne convinces thus: “Devote you and I to his service and your wishes will be granted.” Swear to the Bible or leave her fate to the mercy of the prevailing wind. The choice is hers. One guess as to what she does.

Play glorious INTRO-OUTTRO.

We are in a salon, with music playing and courtiers gambling and mingling, Louis is happy. Philippe gambles with some dudes and Thomas, and look, Philippe is victorious once again. Louis watches from afar and Philippe gathers his winnings to leave. Thomas leaves with him and they have a bit of a giggle. Oh, look, there is creeper Chevalier, looking morose and emotional from behind a curtain, watching them both. To his credit he is dealing with A LOT of emotional shit – he knows nothing of Louis’ request for Philippe to spy on Thomas and has already observed them being chummy prior to this, which prompted the catfight. He has seen Philippe in bed with Liselotte, willingly shagging. I assume Philippe no longer comes to his bed anymore.

And he is obvs still processing the pregnancy announcement. So with all that, WHY is he still staying? Because of the money? Sure. But does he think being this horrible and creeper-ish will win Philippe back? Okay, so we know that Philippe does still love him, so why cannot Philippe TELL HIM THIS, to reassure him that he is first in his heart? SERIOUSLY, this is basic storytelling stuff. If a conflict can easily be solved with two characters sitting down and talking about it, then it is not a sustainable conflict. I know Philippe has a thing about admitting stuff to the Chevalier – we see that in Ep2 when he reluctantly says “I missed you a great deal.” It is all so unnecessary and would make the conflict so much greater if the Chevalier KNEW about Philippe’s secret spy role with Thomas, knew that Philippe had to do it because the king commanded him, and then had to fake being angry/upset/jealous (or maybe wouldn’t have to fake it much) and stand back to watch the love of his life actively seduce Thomas. Now THAT would be conflict. (okay, I ran with this idea, and you can see my alternate Philippe-spying-on-Thomas suggestion at the end of this recap).

So, anyway, back to Morose Chevalier watching Philippe and Thomas chat, and Philippe smiling and touching and all “we make quite a team.” As the Chevalier creeps off, Philippe says to Thomas, “I’d call that a handsome morning’s work,” then gives him a pouch of his winnings with a smile. Then he turns away and his face drops so we know it’s all just a charming sham, but of course, the Chevalier is not there to see that so he cannot know. Pleased Louis is pleased, smiling as they walk: “It’s a convincing charade.” To which Philippe replies: “it’s easier when my orders rule up with my hobbies.”

Louis: At any rate, he seems to be falling for your charms. Philippe: I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t. Louis: Make sure you have his trust. You can then chose a moment to abuse it. Philippe: (curtly) I must admit, I’m impressed, dear brother. You set a fine example on how to deny your passion in the service of your duty.

Then Philippe walks off and Louis is left with a little frown on his face. It seems to me that while Philippe would do anything Louis asks of him, this deliberate flirting and the subsequent pain he is causing the Chevalier is frustrating him. He is not pleased at all.

And now we are in Philippe’s rooms and the Chevalier is drinking and let us pause a moment to enjoy the furnishings before another argument will distract us. SO LOVELY. But now ominous music plays and the Chevalier is looking quite drunk/high/pained as he asks “where were you?” (ffs, you KNOW where he was!) And ugh, Philippe is all, “what business is it of yours?” as if he isn’t only THE LOVE OF HIS FUCKING LIFE. Can he not seeeee? Why would he think the Chevalier would be totally fine with him flirting with another dude?

The Chevalier: You’re fucking him, aren’t you?

Oh. Just… no, honey.

Philippe: (tightly as he pulls a pouch from his coat) we devised a deft game of cheating at the card table. (tosses the pouch on the table) That hardly constitutes consummation!

The Chevalier looks so very tired and worn, his little “I see” not really convincing at all. “You can’t even deny it.”

…wat?

He walks slowly to Philippe, says “I want to know exactly what you’ve been up to.” Philippe replies, “you’re drunk,” but the Chevalier hurls the money pouch away, growls out “don’t patronise me!” and looks spoiling for a fight.

Philippe: There are bigger things going on here (the Chevalier dramatically rolls his eyes and stalks to the window). You have no idea what this is about. The Chevalier: (turns and yells) the whole fucking salon knows what’s going on. (pauses with a shaky breath) Do you have to rub my nose in it? Philippe: (turns away, clearly torn) It’s complicated. I can’t explain it right now. The Chevalier: (pulling out a musket, aims it at Philippe’s back) Maybe this will help you find the right words.

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WAT.

THE.

ACTUAL.

FUCK.

No. JUST NO. This is just….. I CANNOT. Gimme a moment…… *hyperventilates, dragging in deep breaths*

Right. Okay. Back to this scene.

we are all Philippe at this moment.

Philippe turns to see the musket pointed at him, looks angry and incredulous for a second then briefly nods and stretches out his arms. “You dare-” he whispers, “-threaten me?” The Chevalier lowers the gun, mumbles, “no…I have a much better idea.” And then…. OH THEN….. PUTS THE GUN TO HIS HEAD.

AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH *RUNS INTO THE STREETS FLAILING*

Okay, dear readers, if you’ve been reading my recaps since the start, you KNOW how I feel about the way the Chevalier has been written for the show. How it is completely the opposite of how the historical Chevalier de Lorraine would have acted when presenting himself, when reacting to Philippe’s other lovers, when handling the jealousy and competition. This scene, this moment, is so far from what I know and love about the Chevalier that it is actually painful for me to watch. I am screaming “NOOOOOOOOO” at the screen, much the same as I did the first time I watched it. So. Much. Soap. I cannot see for all the melodrama.

*downs copious amounts of coffee*

Right. Back to the scene. The Chevalier holding a gun to his temple and looking as if his world has crumbled before him and Philippe standing there going, “you’re bluffing. Don’t even know how to load it properly” (okay, stop RIGHT THERE. The Chevalier is a fucking war hero, and even though they don’t show that in the show, he knows how to load a bloody musket. He is A CHEVALIER, which means he’s served in the army. Fucksake).

The Chevalier then smiles, a kind of sad-joyous-heartbroken smile as he looks at the gun and lowers it as Philippe ignores him and pours wine. Then he starts to blubber and says, ”do you really want to know how much I feel for you?” Philippe slowly looks at him as he continues. “Do you want to know what’s really in my heart? Let me show you.” And he cocks the gun, places it in is mouth. Philippe rushes over, wrestles for the gun and it goes off behind the Chevalier’s shoulder, taking out a gorgeous mirror on the wall. They struggle a bit, look a bit incredulous at each other, then Philippe throws the Chevalier to the floor where he curls up in a ball and whimpers. Philippe says tightly, “I don’t recognise you anymore. You stay away from me!” Then the guards burst in and see the Chevalier sobbing on the floor and Philippe standing, who says, “he missed,” then walks off, muttering, “the story of his life.”

Okay. I just cannot say anything more about that scene, except to say that Evan Williams is such a fabulous actor. I have absolutely NO issues with that whatsoever.

Marchal. Marchal will calm me.

*deeeeep breath* Now we are out in the gardens, thank Christ. This will be at least calming, right? uhhhh. non. We see a fox scampering about and apparently it’s such an unusual sight that the gardeners stop to watch, then race over to where it had been sniffing/nibbling the ground. Of course, the poor gardeners discover fresh dirt and a baby skull in it. Now we see Marchal on the case, looking further into the dirt, then commanding them to dig it all up. Poor man, can he not mourn in peace? First dragged back into Versailles because of the poison thing on request of the king, now some creepy baby killers that we know Creepy Etienne has a hand in.

So now we are with Louis in his small chapel room thingy, with Bossuet chanting and Louis on his knees in prayer. Bontemps enters and Louis is annoyed, but he insists the king comes with him, that Louvois awaits him in the council room. Apparently a messenger has just arrived from the Palatinate, Liselotte’s home. Oh, shit. This is not gonna be good. They are all in the council room, with a map before them as Louvois speaks.

Louvois: We have killed hundreds. Possibly more. Louis: And how many were soldiers? Louvois: (takes a breath) None, Sire. They were all unarmed civilians. Louis: (disbelieving) Our troops. Loyal professional Frenchmen have slaughtered innocent women and children. Louvois: They were out of control. Drunk. Rampaging. They looted. Butchered. Raped. They say the world has never witnessed such barbarity.

Louis is horrified, as well he should. He asks how it could have happened, that his general, Marcheral Turenne is a man of restraint. Louvois replies: “he claims, Sire, that he had his king’s blessing.” (remember Louis’ “do everything necessary?” to Luxembourg earlier?) Bontemps and Louvois both look troubled. “he’s lost all reason,” Louis says as he rips up the missive. “War has destroyed his mind. Eroded his judgement.” Louvois nods. “it would seem so, Sire.” The Elector Palatinate was their staunch ally, but now no more. He has joined William of Orange against them. Louis is speechless, sits slowly in his chair. “I must seek guidance from above,” he declares. “Ours is a god of wrath and we have angered him much already.” Bontemps wants to know if he is going to share the news with Liselotte. “She will find out soon enough,” replies Louis. “if she has not heard already.”

The camera is now on a letter in Liselotte’s lap, and slowly pans out to show her horrified expression gazing in the distance, eyes full of tears, while Philippe stands silently in the background. “What of your family?” he quietly asks. Some are unaccounted for but she has friends and cousins elsewhere. So they might have survived? “They say your forces killed everyone in sight,” Liselotte replies. “My country will never be the same again.” Philippe goes swiftly to her, says, “My brother’s actions have nothing to do with me.” Then he leans in, places a gentle kiss to her head and my heart breaks for Liselotte as she sits there in silence, tears streaming down her face. 😦 Philippe says, “I’m sorry,” and Liselotte finally looks up at him and says, “I am married to the family that has destroyed my people.” Philippe’s expression is a mix of sadness and anger.

*historical note. The sacking of the Palatinate was a black mark in history against the French. In Ruff’s Violence in Early Modern Europe, he writes: “ Perhaps the most devastating such desecration of our period took place in the Palatinate of western Germany, a natural area for staging attacks on France. To prevent such a use of the Palatinate, French troops under Marshal Turenne devastated the region in 1674, and the impending War of the League of Augsburg prompted Louis XIV of France to order devastation of the Palatinate again in the winter of 1688-80. This later act was one of systematic destruction, based on a map of target sites prepared by the war ministers, and the French destroyed many of the significant towns in the region, including Worms, Spier, Bingen and Oppenheim. In Mannheim, the capital of the Palatinate, the French not only destroyed the city but also executed citizens who returned to the ruins.”

The goblet again!!

Next scene and Philippe swiftly enters Louis’ rooms as he dines, declares, “Everybody out!” Bontemps splutters about conventions to be observed, but Philippe claps back with, “I don’t give a shit. Tell them to leave.” Bontemps, replies, his voice a little higher, “I don’t think that’s apt.” Philippe doesn’t care: “If you don’t, I will.” Bontemps is doggedly sticking to his guns but Philippe stares at Louis and says: “I have things to say that can only be heard both those who shared a bloody womb.” Louis casually drinks his wine (FROM THE GOBLET) as Philippe turns to the audience and yells, “Go on! GET OUT! Or do you defy your king’s brother?” and they all shuffle out as Louis gives Philippe a look, delicately pats his mouth with a serviette then tosses it to the plate.

“Must you live your entire life in a melodrama?”

BEST. LOUIS. LINE. EVA.

Philippe doesn’t care. “You are a monster. What you did in the Palatinate makes you no better than a common killer.” So very emotional and you can see it, hear it in Philippe’s voice. Louis gives him a look then starts on the whole, ‘every war includes regrettable casualties’ excuse but Philippe is angry at the mass slaughter of innocent people and justifiably so. (I cannot help but draw a parallel between this scene and today’s conflict in multiple countries). Louis says it was out of his control but emotional Philippe scoffs at that: “Of course. It is always someone else’s fault, isn’t it? You’ve never said sorry in your entire life.” (I am in two minds about this comment – Louis as absolute monarch would have not thought of apologising to anyone about anything. Yet this is his brother, and his brother is talking familiarly to him, like he always does. Philippe is allowed to overstep the boundaries of convention only because he is the king’s brother.) Louis declares that Turenne was acting on his own initiative, but Philippe is having none of it. It could not have happened without Louis’ consent, therefore they are as guilty as each other. Louis angrily gets to his feet and boy, is he pissed. He has a spy in his palace, his troops are in retreat and half of Europe is out to destroy him. Philippe grabs Louis’ flailing arm, declares slowly that he has blood on his hands. With a disgusted look, Louis yanks away and Philippe sadly nods, his voice close to tears. “Maybe that’s your true legacy,” he says. “You don’t want to be loved. You want to be feared.” Then he walks out, leaving a stunned Louis in his wake.

Night falls over the palace now and a storm is brewing, and Louis is in his rooms, at an alter and kneeling in prayer. The windows burst open, sending correspondence flying and Bossuet hurries over to close them. Louis wants to know why he is still being tortured. Bossuet cannot say. He is frustrated – he’s crushed all carnal thoughts, destroyed his enemies and yet STILL God is punishing him with the massacre. Bossuet offers the usual “to pray is the only solution, Sire,” and yeah, Louis does not like that answer one bit. But apparently all answers will come to him through God.

We are back in Marchal’s dungeon/office where he is piecing together the baby skeleton, and one of his men enters, offering up the skull of another baby. Marchal looks grim – this is a pattern.

Cut to the chapel and Marchal approaches Bossuet, asks him about Saint-Geneviève’s, the refuge for lost souls, where babies of whores are taken. Bossuet says there is no such place. Marchal asks how he can be so sure. “Because,” Bossuet replies, “I have authority over all France. That includes you.” Marchal looks unimpressed/meh, asks him about Father Etienne. Nup, don’t know him. Then as Marchal starts to leave, Bossuet replies, “Etienne… Guibourg?” Marchal waits. Bossuet adds: “If Guibourg is at large, you must stop him. Quickly.” *cue ominous music*

The Queen is at her toilette and Maintenon (formerly Scarron) enters with a smile. Oh, the Queen is asking her how she can become a better lover for her husband….. and Maintenon’s reply? “the profound love of wedlock can only come through God, Majesty.” OKAY THEN. But the queen wants to know more. How would Maintenon characterise her own marriage? “My late husband was very busy with his work. He was not one for… physical prowess.” The Queen is all ‘huh.’ and Maintenon adds, “although occasionally, my husband seemed to find me irresistible after I bathed in aromatic oils.”

*historical note: Paul Scarron was a poet and novelist and frequented salons in Paris, where he met Françoise d’Aubigné and married her at 17. He was 42. He was also crippled but details are unclear as to how – some accounts say he fell into icy water, some that he hid in swamp waters and others said it was the result of polio. Either way, he had a permanently twisted upper body and paralysed legs, so had to use a wheelchair and took opium for the pain. His salon was popular and frequented by the crème de la crème of Parisian writers and poets – Madame de Sévigné, Ninon de l’Enclos, Abbé de Choisy. He also supported The Fronde (and lost his pension because of a ranty anti-Mazarin pamphlet) and their marriage yielded no children. You can read more about him here. And with Maintenon here.

A mademoiselle Solange then walks into the room, a former friend of Montespan. The queen would like to compensate the girl for her loss, by becoming a friend of the queen. She wants her to spy on Montespan: the queen does not trust ‘that harlot’ to keep her distance and she will make her pay if she returns.

I just have to interject here and show off some lovely earrings. Aren’t they fab? Click on them to zoom in.

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the queen….

Solange….

and Agathe’s earrings

Back now with a worried-looking Montespan in Agathe’s place, who hands her a note. Montespan asks if reading it is all she has to do; Agathe says Guibourg will explain the rest. But Montespan is not comfortable going against the teachings of Rome. “The Church,” Agathe sighs. “The Church likes to believe there’s nothing of spiritual worth before Christ. They try to deny the ancient wisdom. They cannot ignore it. To doubt is natural.” She takes Montespan’s hand, a gentle gesture that still feels quite malevolent , then hands her two wrapped bottles. Montespan replies, “I will stop at nothing to secure the king’s love.” This pleases Agathe mucho and tells her Louis’ sweat is needed to seal the charm.

Suspicious Marchal is suspicious

Now in a salon, with merry music playing and courtiers mingling. Marchal prowls about (that word suits him so much… PROWL) and spots a couple doing not-so-subtle suspicious things. The woman walks across the room, deposits a book on a gaming table, Odile the maid saunters past and picks it up. Meanwhile, Marchal’s man says they cannot find Etienne, to which Marchal says to find Mathilde the whore. She will know. Off Marchal now charges, after Odile, who is hurrying through corridors. She runs into Marchal but there is no book and she stutters. Gaston suddenly appears.

Look at that lace! It better be French.

“Has Odile incurred your disapproval?” Ah, but Marchal is not having any of Gaston’s polite sly shit. He remarks on Gaston’s distinctive cloth of his coat. “I’ll give you the name of my tailor… if you can afford him,” is Gaston’s reply. Marchal smoothly ripostes: “I prefer a less tawdry cut.” Gaston doesn’t like that, coming back tightly with: “some of us were born to set fashions. Others to merely follow them.” He leaves with his servant and Marchal prowls about the corridors a bit more, finds the book on the floor and sees that a hole has been cut in the centre. He knows and I am happy because Gaston’s time will surely come.

Night time now and Montespan is hurrying through the palace in a hood, a determined look on her face. She sneaks into Louis’ bedroom via the secret door, watches as Bontemps leaves, then pulls a pillowcase from the bed. She quickly leaves, through a less-pleasant passage way and gives the pillowcase a deep sniff. Poor Montespan, she is really feeling the loss of Louis and the romantic in me thinks she misses the man, not the privileges or the doors he opened for her Then she sees a door quickly close and it is poor Solange, the one who the queen told to spy on Montespan. “Where you spying on me?” Montespan says unnecessarily. “I thought you were my friend!” And Solange shoots back with “everything I learned of treachery, I learned from you.” So Montespan grabs her, drags her back into the passageway and….. Okay, strangles her from behind.

Right.

I have no words. Instead, I offer up this pic. >>>>>

We are now in Marchal’s dungeon/office and Mathilde is all a-huff as she enters, saying “I ain’t done nothin’ wrong,” in a cute but totally-out-of-place OIlver-Twist-gutter-English accent. Marchal needs her help to find Creepy Etienne and she’s shocked because the dude is a saint with all the whores. Marchal does his persuasive “if you care about the safety of your child, tell me all you know”.

Back to Montespan at Agathe’s and the woman is doing some ritual with the pillowcase and telling her to rub stuff on her skin and drink stuff that of course will be totally okay and legit. Montespan again expresses doubts and Agathe plays the most terrible of mind games, saying “I would not have invested in your future if I did not believe in you. And you know in your heart, you’ve already taken that first step.”

Too emotional. Do not want.

Montespan starts to cry, saying “she was my friend,” and I do feel quite sad for her. The look on Agathe’s face is frankly “ugh. Shut UP with yer moaning.” Clearly, Montespan with her FEELINGS and DOUBT and HUMANITY is harshing Agathe’s buzz.

Solange’s body has been found, and two men carry her through the corridor and everyone mills about, gossiping in shocked whispers. Finally, a death without poison. Sophie is sad and moves off, the queen looks at Louis then follows. Louis whispers to Marchal: “I can feel my enemy’s breath on the back of my neck. Find them!” Bontemps looks to Marchal, Marchal looks away expressionless, but his mind is no doubt furiously working.

Louis is pissed. He kneels in his little prayer room, scoffing at the effigy of Jesus on the cross, mocking him. “Here I am before you. A sinner. Penitent. Do you hear me? Do you see me? You taunt me, is that it? I’m here for your amusement? Punish me if you must, but why should the people of France suffer for my sins?” Frustrated and angry, he paces, yelling about confronting his foes with God’s help, demanding it. Jesus on the cross stays silent as the ominous music swells.

We see Creepy Etienne exit his hobbit home in the woods with a bundle, mount his horse and leave, and yay! Marchal and his men are watching through the trees. To your horses, chaps!

Versailles at night again and Maintenon enters Louis’ little prayer room, to find him sat on the floor, looking drained and not looking at all King-like. He gave orders not to be disturbed, but apparently it’s okay to defy him because she came to pray. (such BAD protocol). What does she pray for? “For you,” she replies. He is a bit annoyed by that: “I am in no need of prayer.” Oh, but Maintenon disagrees. He needs it more than anyone because he carries everyone’s hopes, desires, dreams. But he is unimpressed. “I live a gilded life.” Montespan replies: “Bearing the heart of France is a terrible burden. You must be stronger than all of us.” And if he can’t find the strength, then God will help him. And now we see Louis starting to get to know her, a scene that would have played a lot more logically before he made her a Marquise. He asks how she finds her strength: she has lived a full life, has known sin and redemption, and has achieved inner peace. Louis laughs: he wishes it was so simple. Then she gets all pious and says he must confront his fear, confess his sins, blah blah. Unimpressed Louis yells at her but something is sapping the breath from him. Panic attack…..? Stress….? Maintenon tells him he’s a good man, that he isn’t alone…. and I has a bit of a cry as Louis does, resting his head in her lap as he weeps.

Poor Louis. 😦

Right. Back with Montespan, and she stands in a dark room with candles and a stone altar with a carved pentagram as Creepy Etienne chants Latin and four other caped dudes stand about. She agrees to “serve the Lord” and steps forward, removes her cape and lays on the stone, then parts her robe to leave her topless. A baby is brought in…. and now we see Marchal and his men galloping through the night, searching. They find stone archways… (the grounds of a church? Monastery?) and Marchal is off and running, sword fighting off one dude then another as his men follow. The baby is crying as Etienne is handed a knife, the blade descends and blood splashes Montespan…. but Marchal is suddenly there and Montespan legs it, Etienne holds out his hands in surrender and a guard swiftly takes the baby. The baby is only cut across the arm, Montespan grabs her clothes from another room and runs. The plan is thwarted.

*Historical note: So over the course of ten or so years, there were numerous poisonings and black masses rumoured to be held. Montespan was implicated in them, as was Olympe Mancini, comtesse de Soissons (former lover of Louis and sister of his first love Marie, and who left Paris before being named). It was said Montespan took part in these masses/orgies and babies were sacrificed over her naked body as she sprawled on a stone alter. She also was quite paranoid of losing Louis’ favour at court, which also meant all her friends and family would miss out, so over a period of time, she was adding a ‘love potion’ to the king’s food and drink. Poor Louis would get pains and headaches for no apparent reason and when he found out what she was doing and put a stop to it, they vanished. Guess it can’t be too good for the body to regularly ingest bits of ground up animal and plants.

So now we are back with Louis, waking in Maintenon’s lap. He says she helped him find his strength, but she counters with “you carry your responsibilities like a cross.” Louis is coming to the realisation that he is just a man – weak, fallible, a mortal man, and Maintenon encourages him to see, to hear, to feel. And to breathe. She places her hand on his chest and they take deep breaths together… and yep, there is the kiss. So much for the sanctity of marriage and all that. But I guess maybe they don’t think of kissing outside wedlock as a sin? Those crazy 17th century nobles. Maintenon slowly pulls back, she looks worried. Then Louis says, “my heart beats again,” and it is all good.

We see a wide green shot of Versailles, then we are in the Duc de Cassel’s rooms and he does not look at all good, coughing and stuff, and he finds a note. From Thomas to Sophie, obvs. He puts it back as she enters the room, asks if something is wrong because she cannot read his expression. “I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting that particular skill.” What is he thinking? “A wife,” he says, “should never ask her husband that question. The answer will always disappoint.” He puts out a hand to her and she visibly flinches, and damn, I am not happy that it is clear she’s expecting to be hit. But instead he strokes her hair then walks away. She is suspicious and it appears she thinks he’s found her letter. “You frighten me,” she admits. “Oh, I am not the one to fear,” he replies. “A girl like you should be more careful in her choice of lover.” She plays innocent but Cassel goes on: “never trust a man who presents more than one version of himself. Or one who writes stories for a living.” Damn, Cassel. That is some spot-on philosophical shit. Is it possible to enjoy such a horrible person?

Louis and Philippe now (FINALLY PHILIPPE!!), standing in one of Louis’ rooms, at the window.

Louis: You’re sure Thomas suspects nothing? Philippe: I have him eating from my perfumed palm. Louis: then you will tell him tonight that the king is arrogant, pig headed and paranoid. Philippe: Shouldn’t be too difficult. (Bontemps’ look LULZ) Louis: You will say I am losing my grip on reality, rejecting all reasonable advice and that you wish to leave Versailles for good. Philippe. Again, I think I can manage that. Louis: And then, you will tell him that the war is lost, that my men are cornered, like rats in a trap. We cannot hold onto Utrecht another day. We will withdraw all our forces after nightfall. Philippe: How can you be so sure this will work? Louis (smiles): Because I have seen the light.

gratuitous pretty-faced Philippe pic.

Then he turns and strides off, Philippe gives Bontemps a look, Bontemps leaves too and Philippe sighs and goes back to whatever is out the window.

Now, we all know that being so blatantly obvious in imparting information to a spy can only backfire. Just you wait.

Thomas is writing at his desk as Philippe creeps up and puts his hands over his eyes. “Is that the delicate touch of the duc de Cassel?” LULZ Thomas. So hilarious. Philippe says they need to go out and gamble and get drunk as he casually checks out all the papers on the desk. Thomas gets nervous and says it’s a play about the war he’s working on. Philippe nonchalantly lets drop that Louis is making a mess of the war, Thomas says he should be in the play and be the lead role. They have a bit of flirty banter as Philippe walks about, notices Thomas closing a folder. Philippe then drapes himself on Thomas’ bed, reading aloud the verses from the paper he still holds. Thomas casually lays beside him, says “try some more, this time with real feeling.” And his hand goes to Philippe’s breeches, pushing the coat aside. The look on Philippe’s face is a bit “ooookay then…” but he sinks down in the bed a bit and keeps reading, the paper in front of Thomas’ hands as Thomas continue to undo his breeches. Then Thomas smoothly straddles Philippe’s legs, and the camera pans up to Philippe’s face as his words falter and he groans a little and it is more than clear that Thomas is pleasuring him with his mouth.

Okay. I actually do not think this is that bad. Sure, I am feeling SO VERY BAD for the Chevalier. But historically, Philippe and the Chevalier had other lovers during the time they were together. Also – my alternate Philippe-spying-on-Thomas plot line at the end of this recap.

Now we are back with Louis, Marchal and Bossuet, and Louis is looking through the books they confiscated from Etienne. Bossuet says they deal in the devilish art of human sacrifice. “This unholy priest feels no remorse? No pity?” asks Louis. Marchal: “not yet.” (ahhhh, yessss!) Louis commands Marchal to extract the names of the village accomplices from him – one of them a woman – and show him “the full force of my justice.” This is what we love about Marchal – taking down names and getting shit done.

We are with Agathe now, and Montespan jump scares her, and the poor woman does not look good. Black mass rituals will do that to you. Also, she hasn’t had anything to eat, just some weirdo potion Agathe told her to drink before the baby-stabbing ritual. Then she sees the blood on her arms and frantically rubs at it, getting a bit hysterical, crying that she has sold her soul as Agathe tries to soothe her. What of Father Etienne, Agathe wants to know. Yeah, Marchal has him and what if he speaks? Agathe says he has never betrayed any of his followers…. and they hear footsteps, and just like that, Gaston walks in (DOES NOBODY KNOCK??) and says calmly, “Then he’s never met Monsieur Marchal.” Montespan looks all sad and forlorn and lost, wants to know what she should do now. “After the way the king has betrayed you,” Agathe says, “don’t tell me you do not seek justice.” Gaston gives a most excellent evildoer face and we all know what Agathe’s brand of justice means.

Next scene and we FINALLY see the Chevalier again, dozing at a window, then suddenly waking as a door closes and we hear a “until the next time,” from Thomas and damn, the Chevalier has a determined look on his face as he follows. YOU GO, HON! We see incognito Thomas in the village, passing over a note to a caped figure, then glances back to the Chevalier ducking into a doorway. Thomas whispers something in the man’s ear that sounds like “I’m being followed” then they split up and Thomas heads behind a wall. The Chevalier looks out, follows, ducks behind another wall, then draw out a …. wtf a dagger? (the man is a knight in the king’s army FFS. HE HAS A SWORD). He whirls to see a man in the distance, a hand goes to his shoulder, spins him about then punches him in the face.

<<<<<< And I am left here with THIS expression.

NO. I refuse to acknowledge this terrible travesty. I know it is within the character of show Chevalier but this is… Lord. An insult. A warrior, a man versed in battle, a decorated soldier who knows how to fence and shoot and ride… uselessly waving about his dagger as he is being beaten up then robbed – ROBBED AND STRIPPED – by a handful of villagers.

GET IN THE BIN.

Oh, thank CHRIST we are back at Versailles now, with a view of the fountain in the morning. Can we have just some bit of sense, pleeeeeease? oh…… We see a pair of bloodied feet shuffling along the corridor, some coughing, someone being a bit startled…. it is the Chevalier returned, beaten and bloody as he opens the door to a dressed Philippe reading a book. His first words? “Look what you’ve done to me now.”

OH what the F—

Philippe is astonished as the Chevalier gets out, “compliments of your new lover,” and slams the door. Yes, it was Thomas although he didn’t see his face, because the Chevalier was following him. The first thing he does is grab the mirror (ahhh, that is amusing) and shuffles over to the desk to survey the damage. Philippe is all ‘whyyyy?” to which the Chevalier tightly answers, “ because I wanted to discuss the weather over armagnac and macaroons, what do you think?” Philippe silently kneels before him, pours water and then gently pushes back the Chevalier’s hair, dabs a cloth into the water to wipe away the blood. The Chevalier screeches and grabs the cloth: “you’re making it worse.” And the look Philippe gives him… Kind of shitty but also just taking it.

Philippe: Why won’t you let me help you? The Chevalier: Because this is all your fault! (slams the cloth down and rises) I’ll go ahead right now, kill him this time. Philippe (grabs his arm) You can’t! The Chevalier: I have my honour to think of. And so should you! Philippe (sounding worried) : You mustn’t cause him any more trouble. We have to leave him alone. The Chevalier: Why?! Philippe: Trust me. It’s important! The Chevalier: Trust you? Seriously?

Then Philippe kind of leans in, but the Chevalier slaps his hands away with a “get your hands off me!” And then… NOOOOOO Philippe, with tears in his eyes, says, “I love you!” and the Chevalier’s face freezes, stunned, but then Philippe ruins the potentially awesome “ILY TOO!” moment by adding, “but Thomas has to be left alone. We both… need to show a brave face. Can you do that? For me?” And the Chevalier briefly closes his eyes, looking all sad and bloody and UGH I need to give him a big hug because CONFLICT SO MUCH. He silently rolls his eyes then says quietly, “run me a bath,” and shuffles off and Philippe is left look all massive cry-eyes puppy dog sad.

*SOBS*

Me? Asking for forgiveness?!

Okay, now we are outside, Louis standing under a massive fancy canopy as he watches Maintenon stare broodily into the lake, then she turns and sees him and comes over. She seems preoccupied but it is nothing. He invites her to sit down (armless chair AHHHHH) and of course it’s not nothing because she now proceeds to tell him it is definitely something. About the Princess Palatine. Okay, Louis’ expression means he was most def. not expecting that. Liselotte has been in mourning and Maintenon is sure it is an oversight because a few words from him would ease Liselotte’s pain. Louis looks a bit irritated, then says she’s right, that he will express his deepest regrets but damn it does not sound as if he really wants to do that at all. Oh, yeah, Maintenon is not impressed and Louis can see that. Maintenon has something else in mind: asking her forgiveness. (insert SHOCKED LOUIS face here). “Confession is not the same as apology,” she adds. He leans in, strokes her face (for anyone and everyone to see, I might add!) says, “why can’t my priest be more like you?” then ….

OMG he KISSES HER! What on EARTH is the queen gonna say when she hears about it?? Montespan is subdued: he wants to know if he frightens her. Oh, no. “Only myself.”

The scene fades out, and then fades in to a teary Liselotte seated in her rooms, Louis standing as he says, “I want to show my appreciation and respect. You are a model of humility. And restraint. You have fulfilled your duty as my brother’s wife under trying circumstances…” He steps to her as she remains silent, a hand on her shoulder and I see they are using a particular filming technique. Liselotte’s face is clear and in shot, we see her entire expression and the tears on her cheeks, see her lips tremble. It is Louis out of focus, standing behind her, talking. It brings the viewer’s eye squarely to the most important person in frame – Liselotte. We have to see her pain and her upset. We acknowledge Louis only by his voice not his figure, so it is his words that matter, that speak for him. Louis continues: “and now you must feel great distress after what has happened in your country.” Liselotte still remains turned away from him as tears fall, says, “is that supposed to be an apology?” and now the camera goes to Louis’ face. “Obviously, I would let you return home were you not carrying my brother’s child.” Liselotte finally turns to look at him and now we also see Philippe in the room, out of focus and in the background. Liselotte replies: “my child will grow up in a family of murderers. I came here to discover a new life. Of joy. Of liberty.”

The camera cuts to Philippe and there are his sad puppy eyes again 😦 Liselotte rises, continues: “I am now your captive. You have complete ownership of me. I am at your mercy.” And she stretches her arms a little, palms up in supplication, and Louis is a little shocked, I think. A little taken aback. Then he sighs, says “I am sorry.” Then turns and walks from the room.

We are at nighttime now, and Bontemps is getting into bed, beside Louis’ bed. We see Louis trying to sleep, but he has visions of a blood-red pentagram and the priests around the stone altar, some creepy words and the baby sacrifice. Which is weird because Louis did not see this first hand. Then he wakes, thinks for a bit: something is troubling him. Bontemps swiftly gets up. “What ails you, Sire?” And next we see him striding into his little prayer room with Bontemps behind, where they meet Bishop Bossuet and Marchal, who hands him the book that Father Etienne had. Louis flicks through the pages, then finds a picture of a minotaur and the labyrinth. “I drew this in my own blood,” Louis says. “And now I recall where I saw it first.”

We see a flashback to Louis’ tarot reading, the Agathe turning the cards to reveal the same picture. “And now the Labyrinth returns to haunt me,” Louis finishes as Marchal silently looks at him. “The tarot sorceress may be part of this heresy too,” Louis tells him. They both look ominously at each other, flint jawed and serious, then Louis gives him a slight nod. Marchal leaves and Louis turns to the crucifix, gives the tiniest of smiles, a brief nod and makes the sign of the cross before he strides out.

We are in Marchal’s dungeons now, and a beaten up Etienne is stretched out on a cross a-fixed to a turning wheel, much like roulette. His soul is immortal, apparently. “Is that so?” Marchal drawls, not at all impressed, and wants to know who else is behind ‘this abomination.’ Etienne will not give it up and a few torturous moments on the slow spinning wheel are had, until he mumbles… “Claudine.” Oh, shit, he is baiting Marchal. “…so soft to the touch,” Etienne whispers. Marchal is expressionless as he turns away and Etienne keeps on his creepy pained whispering: “She cried for your help, you know. As she died. Like a lamb to the slaughter.” Marchal sloooowly turns back around. “it was gratifying,” Creepy Etienne keeps whispering. “taking her life force. For one so… so sweet…” and then suddenly Marchal goes all rage face and lunges forward with a yell and stabs Creepy Etienne in the belly. Yes, it is gross… not overtly bloody but we see Etienne’s face and his expression and it creeps me out.. And yes, Marchal keeps stabbing him in a rage, and Etienne is already well and truly dead. But it feels like that was Etienne’s intention, to rile up Marchal to get him to kill him. Marchal is breathless, leans on the hilt of the knife still buried in the now-totally-dead priest, then with a gasp he turns, casually yanking the blade out as he goes.

End of episode!

And now the BONUS….

So, I mentioned an alternate Philippe Spying On Thomas plot line. We have Louis needing Philippe’s help to spy on Thomas the traitor. Philippe has massive reservations but says yes. So the Chevalier sees Philippe and Thomas getting chummy in the salons and is understandably heartbroken, but when he confronts him in his rooms, he is so very cool and collected. Glacial. The Chevalier: If you want me gone, I would just appreciate the direct approach. Philippe: What are you talking about? The Chevalier (casually drinking wine): Your little lapdog… Toby? Thierry? Philippe: It is Thomas and you know it. The Chevalier: Oh, oui. Him. (waves a dismissive finger) Well, if you do insist on trading down, then I shall take my leave. (makes a mocking bow, barely covering his hurt with a cold demeanour) With Monsieur’s permission, of course. Philippe: (watches in silence for a moment) It is not what you think. It is… (clearly struggling) complicated. The Chevalier (crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow): You know you are terrible at keeping secrets. Tell me.

So then after some coaxing (maybe even of the sexual variety because the Chevalier is not above using sex as a weapon), Philippe tells the Chevalier that Louis has commanded him, that Thomas is a spy and he has to get him on side so Philippe can spy on the spy. The Chevalier laughs, then realises Philippe is deadly serious and they discuss it, finally agreeing to do Louis’ bidding. And now the Chevalier has MAJOR CONFLICT because he has just given his stamp of approval for his lover to cozy up to another guy, to touch him, to flirt and stuff. Maybe even shag him. All in the name of loyalty and for the good of the country. And he has to reconcile with that, because his heart is torn. He loves Philippe and quietly rages inside because no one else can touch what is his. But knows how much Philippe needs Louis’ approval and how much this means, with Louis putting his trust in his brother and asking him for help. This is a Huge Deal in Philippe’s mind. So the Chevalier has to sit back, endure the gossip, the snide comments from his enemies who are suddenly seeing him publicly fall from Philippe’s favour. Worse, he has to see his lover with a traitor, in order to give Philippe what he needs… the approval and trust of Louis.

Merci for reading ❤

Versailles S2, Ep9 – The one with the sacrificing Bonjour, amis! Before we start on this recap, there’s a few things I have to draw your attention to.

#17th century #Alexander Vlahos #anna brewster #Elisa Lasowski #Evan Williams #France #George Blagden #Louis XIV #maddison jaizani #Philippe d&039;Orleans #Pip Torrens #Stuart Bowman #Tygh Runyan #Versailles #Versailles reviews #Versailles tv series #William of Orange

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kirayamidemon · 7 years

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More Mag7 Things

Because I love this movie too much and just more mag7 things to note even tho there’s prolly hundreds of these and if we could share just every single second in this film we prolly would also a bit of some of my thoughts and questions included here (be warned, this is reaaaally fucking long and I prolly should split it into 2 parts or something haaaaaa also lot of caps i apologize)

literally everyone quiets down when Matthew goes to speak, like leaDER MARRIED COUPLE MATTHEW AND EMMA RUNNING THIS TOWN

everybody, even the freakin preacher, getting sick of Gavin’s shit

CAN WE ALL JUST APPRECIATE THE CLICHED BUT STILL KINDA FUNNY TIMING OF BOGUE, LIKE MATTHEW GOES ALL “THIS VALLEY IS OURS” AND IN COMES BOGUE KICKING THE DOOR OPEN LIKE “WAT UP BITCHES THIS LAND IS MINE NOW”

look, we all know and say that Goody, and by extension Billy, are dramatic but can we also just sAY THE SAME CAN BE APPLIED FOR SAM, WITH SEVERAL INSTANCES IN THE MOVIE, LIKE WHEN HE’S TALKING BOUT HOW JULY BULLY DIED. LIKE, YEA, I’M PRETTY SURE WE CAN ALL GUESS AS TO HOW HE ACTUALLY DIED BUT I’M STILL JUST FUCKING LAUGHING AT HIS RESPONSE. DAN GOES “HOW’D HE DIE” AND FUKCING SAM “ I WHISPERED HIM TO DEATH” LIKE LKDJFSJ

ok so I am really so curious as to how the initial confrontation would go down between Sam and Vasquez if Emma hadn’t come along. Immediately after Powder Dan, Sam replies to the sheriff “off into the mountains, hunting a vaquero” so I wonder how their first meeting would’ve actually gone down

ON THE SAME NOTE SAM’S GOING AFTER VASQUEZ IMMEDIATELY AND THEN EMMA COMES ALONG WITH HIS LONG AWAITED CHANCE AT REVENGE AGAINST BOGUE AND SAM’S LIKE “ALRIGHT IM IN, BUT I’M STILL GONNA GO INTO THE MOUNTAINS LOOKING FOR THAT VAQUERO”

fucking Faraday trying to get his horse back, like goddamn son you ain’t doing yourself any favors by being honest and insulting the man you know fucking hell

DUDE I WANNA KNOW THE BACKSTORY OF FARADAY AND JACK LIKE SO FUCKING MUCH. GIVE ME THE HISTORY BETWEEN THESE TWO. I WANNA KNOW HOW THEY MET, HOW FARADAY ENDED UP GETTING JACK AND WHAT IT IS ABOUT FARADAY THAT JACK STAYS LOYALLY BY THIS DUMBASS’ SIDE WHEN SAID DUMBASS WOULD JUST AS EASILY AND SOON AS GAMBLE HIM AWAY IN EXCHANGE FOR ALCOHOL

THE ONLY TIME FARADAY DOESN’T CONTINUE BEING A LITTLE SHIT LIKE IMMEDIATELY AFTER HIS “KILLING A MAN WITH A HAIRPIN” BILLY LOOKS AT HIM AND FARADAY JUST IMMEDIATELY STOPS JOKING AND SMILING LIKE “SHIT THIS IS ACTUALLY ONE GUY I DON’T WANNA PISS OFF LEST I ALSO END UP WITH A HAIRPIN STICKING OUT OF MY CHEST”

AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE CONTINUES TO BE A LIL SHIT, EXCEPT IT’S TO VASQUEZ. LIKE YEA VASQUEZ DOES LOOK AT GOODY AND BILLY FOR A LIL BIT WHEN THEY GO BY, BUT HIS GAZE IS MOSTLY TRAINED ON FARADAY, LIKE HE KNOWS WHO IMMEDIATELY TO WATCH FOR IN TERMS OF ASSHOLISHNESS AND DUMBASSERY

when Sam gives Vasquez his gun and jusT THE WAY VASQUEZ TRANSFERS HIS GUN TO HIS OTHER HAND TO TAKE SAM’S LIKE VAS DARLING IF YOU WERE REQUIRED TO SHOOT AT THAT VERY MOMENT THAT WOULD’VE BEEN A BIT INCONVENIENT

SAM IMMEDIATELY GOING FROM TENSE TO “OH SHIT I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING AND I DON’T LIKE IT”

also previously, the moment we can all see Emma regretting and questioning her choice like “ these idiots are going to stop bogue and fight for the town? shit”

NOBODY REACTING IN ANY WAY WHEN RED JUST STRAIGHT UP SHOOTS AN ARROW INTO A DUDE

CAN WE ALL NOTE THAT WERE IT NOT FOR SAM, FARADAY WOULD’VE LITERALLY BEEN THE FIRST CASUALTY FOR THEIR GROUP LIKE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SEVEN, YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO GET SHOT

while yes the blackstone’s shooting and aim was atrocious and complete shit, just badass Faraday not moving or flinching and calmly aiming hitting his target

GOODY’S EXPRESSION TO FARADAY, JUST SO MUCH GUILT AND REGRET

Red looking at Faraday and Vasquez having a staredown like “man I’d see that, you two gonna start fighting or what” while Sam’s just like “that’s great and all, but I’ve got more important shit to do than watch you guys duking it out in a dick measuring contest”

ok so I actually went and tallied exactly how many each of them got and it goes like this Sam-6 Faraday-6 Vasquez-5 Billy-5 Goody-0 Horne-4 Red-5 unless I missed one or he killed one offscreen, WE ALL KNOW FARADAY WAS JUST BEING A SHIT WHEN HE CHANGED HIS KILL COUNT BUT FOR THE MOST PART THEY WERE ALL RIGHT ON THE NUMBERS, EXCEPT FOR YOU VASQUEZ YOU FUCKING LIAR

ok look, so hilarity and funniness aside on the subject of Billy’s teaching methods, WHO HONEST TO GOD THOUGHT THAT ANY OF THESE FUCKING FARMERS, WHO MOST HAVE NEVER EVEN SHOT AT A PERSON, WOULD ACTUALLY USE KNIVES. LIKE WHO LITERALLY THOUGHT THAT ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WOULD WILLINGLY GO UP CLOSE ENOUGH TO STAB A BITCH WHEN THEY CAN BARELY EVEN HIT THEIR TARGET WITH A BULLET. SAM? WAS IT YOU SAM? BILLY? I BET IT WAS YOU, FARADAY, YOU FUCKER

FARADAY DOESN’T KNOW THE WORD “SYLLABLE” BUT KNOWS THE WORD “STATISTICALLY” (BLESS CINEMASINS FOR THAT)

I love that we get a lil look on Sam’s actual feelings on the whole Rose Creek thing when he’s talking to the preacher, like you can see the regret that he’s showing a bit when the preacher is thanking him because none of them know the actual reason why he’s helping them out and they all think it’s something along the lines of justice or goodness and we see that there’s actual more to it when it comes to Sam and just afdkskdsjlf

BILLY HAVING A LEGITIMATE GOOD AND FUN TIME WITH EVERYONE ELSE AT DINNER. HIS SMALL LITTLE SMILES AND SHAKING HIS HEAD FONDLY AT THEIR ANTICS, PARTICULARLY FARADAY AND VASQUEZ’S

SAM “I NEED YOU” CHISOLM LIKE JUST FUCKING RIP MY HEART OUT

look, just all the actors and their acting and theIR FUCKING EXPRESSIONS IN THEIR SCENES, JUSSST SO FUCKING GOOD AND SPOTON AND PERFECT AND FFFFF, A+++++++++ OK

RED’S LIL SHITEATING SMILE WHEN THEY FIND OUT HE CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK ENGLISH ALL THIS TIME

and subsequently Horne and Vasquez’s expression after that fact,like they both can’t believe it but Horne is all smiling and laughing while Vasquez is just “wtf”

FUCKING AGAIN WITH THE DRAMATICS, LIKE SAM LITERALLY BUSTS OUT OF THE FUCKING RESTAURANT ON HORSEBACK AND BULLDOZING THE DUDE

AND WHILE WE’RE ON DRAMATIC, FUCKING BILLY TOO.HE COULDN’T JUST TURN AROUND AND SHOOT, NO HE’S GOTTA RUN ON THE PORCH, JUMP AND DO A FUCKING PIROUETTE TO SHOOT ONLY 1 GUY BEHIND THEM BEFORE GRAVITY COMES BACK AND MAKES AN OH SO GRACIOUS LAND AGAINST THE NEXT SHACK

ok, so I’m still trying to figure out all the spanish that Vasquez says that don’t have translations (pls note what little spanish i remember are really just basic stuff and so am not an expert in any way especially just by hearing it) HOWEVER HE DOES CALL MCCANN “CABRON” (andiwillgotomygravethinkingthatheactuallydoessaytexican)

okok, so this is very fast and quick, but just that scene where Sam is exiting out of the Elysium Hotel and he bUTTS THE GUN TO THE GUY IN FRONT AND THEN ALMOST SIMULTANEOUSLY SHOOTS THE GUY BEHIND BEFORE SHOOTING THE GUY IN FRONT

AND TO COMPLETE THE DRAMATIC TRIO, FUCKING GOODY COMES GALLOPING BACK AND LITERALLY SHOOTS AND KILLS A GUY MIDJUMP WHEN HE’S JUMPING OVER THE WAGONS LIKE A GODDAMN BADASS

THAT DUDE PUTTING EMMA AS HIS TOP PRIORITY, FUCKING HELL, EMMA’S LIFE AND SAFETY ARE AT THE TOP OF HIS LIST AND HIS MAIN CONCERN KEEPING EMMA ALIVE AND GETTTING HER SAFE FROM THE GATLING GUN

Can we all just appreciate that Horne, who’s killed 300 Native Americans, gets taken down and killed by Denali, a Comanche, BUT ALSO IS AVENGED BY RED, ALSO A COMANCHE, WHETHER HE WAS CONSCIOUS OF THAT FACT OR NOT

SAM’S SHOCKED EXPRESSION AND THAT 1 SECOND PAUSE BEFORE HE MOVES INTO ACTION AND FOLLOWS RIGHT BEHIND FARADAY

BILLY AND GOODY COVERING FARADAY NO MATTER WHAT AND NOT TAKING COVER EVEN WHEN THE GATLING GUN TURNS ON THE CHURCH ALKSJDFLKSDJLLK KILL ME

ALL FOUR DEATHS WERE A SACRIFICE TO PROTECT SOMETHING. HORNE’S WAS PROTECTING TEDDY, BILLY AND GOODY’S WERE FOR PROTECTING FARADAY, AND FARADAY WAS PROTECTING THE REMAINING INHABITANTS OF THE TOWN FROM THE GATLING GUN

AND ON THAT NOTE, NOBODY ACTUALLY KNEW THE SPECIFICS OF FARADAY’S PLAN TO TAKE OUT THE GATLING GUN. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW GOODY AND BILLY WOULD’VE FELT HAD THEY KNOWN WHAT FARADAY WAS GONNA DO AND TRYING TO KEEP HIM ALIVE ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF LKJSDDLSKL

act of heroism and sacrificing aside, Faraday’s plan to take out the gatling gun is to literally blow it up. That would mean he either had the stick of dynamite on his person the entire time or he grabbed it sometime on his run from his starting position to when he takes cover from the gatling gun with sam behind the undertaker’s shop, which looking and going with his route somehow kinda doubt the latter being possible. So my question is, FARADAY THE FUCK WERE YOU RUNNING AROUND WITH A STICK OF DYNAMITE FOR. DID YOU JUST GO LIKE “OH I’LL SAVE THIS ONE STICK OF DYNAMITE AND KEEP IT ON ME, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN ONE MIGHT NEED TO SELF-SACRIFICE AND BLOW UP A GATLING GUN”

gooooooooooood, the fucking musicccccc, the end part of House of Judgement will always kill me

ohohoh so I just now noticed this but fucKING VASQUEZ GIVING TEDDY JACK AND NEVER LOOKING AWAY. HE LITERALLY DOESN’T LOOK AWAY FROM JACK AND TEDDY UNTIL TEDDY’S GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND ONLY WHEN HE SEES AND IS SURE TEDDY’S GOT JACK’S LEAD DOES HE TURN AWAY TO LOOK WHERE HE’S GOING FUCKING KILL ME

also I’d like to think that Vasquez actually went to the field to try and look for Faraday, like they’d all prolly would’ve seen and heard the explosion but there might be a chance, a slim chance that maybe Faraday made it, and Vasquez had to be somewhere when the whole Sam and Bogue thing was going down, so he goes to where the gatling gun was and looks and looks but there is no Faraday and Vasquez would know he didn’t make it when he’s shaking his head ‘no’ in response to Sam because he tried, he looked and dalkksjfl I’M SORRY

ALKFJALKSDJFLJSAJLK LEMME JUST RANT ABOUT THIS MOVIE AND THESE ASSHOLES GOD I FUCKING LOVE THEM TOO MUCH

#the magnificent seven #The Magnificent 7 #mag7 #joshua faraday #Vasquez #billy rocks #goodnight robicheaux #sam chisolm #jack horne #red harvest #emma cullen #teddy q #kira talks #LORD THIS GOT SO FUCKING LONG I APOLOGIZE #next time i make another long post like i'm splitting it into parts #CRY WITH ME ABOUT THIS MOVIE AND THESE IDIOTS

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