1 AM and the servers asleep so i’m just gonna post my thoughts on here but i think it’s rlly so important and poignant how sho extends an olive branch to his father after everything that happened, when he absolutely would’ve been justified in spitting in toichiro’s face and walking out of his life forever (similarly to what toichiro did to him, metaphorically at least). and that decision that he makes is one that cements how mature and understanding sho is despite his antics and attitude.

like, he’s a kid, and he’s a kid that experienced massive amounts of abuse and trauma in his formative years. we will truly never know how he was raised whilst working in claw, but seeing how pretty much everyone else was manipulated, brainwashed, and tortured into reaching their full potential—the assumption can be made that it wasn’t easy. and sho’s father is Directly responsible for that, meaning he’s Directly responsible for any mistreatment or neglect sho faced even if it wasn’t done by him directly. and any kid at his age with all that baggage probably wouldn’t want to keep their dad around, after everything has finally been resolved. but sho doesn’t do that; he reminds toichiro that he’s still gotta hear an earful from his ex wife, and sho is ensuring that this won’t be the end. he is offering his father a kindness that that man never gave to him. and that’s like. Astounding for a kid his age

i think it’s really easy for people to place sho firmly in the trope of like silly, goofy kid with an insane side; but sho has one of the most level heads out of the esper teens. it’s kind of like he got a lot of that emotional turbulence out of the way beforehand, and now is just centering his focus on this one goal. of course, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do stupid shit based on bad trains of thought (the whole concept of him trying to resist the narrative only to become more ingrained in it is like. right there. also the hero trope shit y’all have seen the essay posts i’m not reiterating). but sho is a lot more sure of what he’s doing and what he wants than ritsu, mob, or teru.

also it’s just like. the fact that he gives his father a second chance really drives home the message of the entire series. that people can make mistakes, but those mistakes do not have to define their whole existence if they’re willing to own up to them and change. sho is extending himself in much the same way mob extended himself to toichiro hours earlier, only this time there’s the weight of this probably not being the first time sho has given his father a second chance and yet he Still does it. and toichiro realizing that he could’ve squandered that chance during confession arc is SO GOOD like you see how sho is conflicted and hurt bc he’s essentially being let down once again, and so toichiro walks back. he won’t let his son’s trust be given in vain

the suzukis rival the kageyamas in terms of like. accurate familial representation. like if you eliminate all of the psychic terrorism bullshit, this is a broken family—further broken by a messy divorce—trying to navigate life post-everything. there is no expectation for sho to forgive his father (he doesn’t do that at any point and That Is Important), and there’s no expectation for him to do anything with his father At All. toichiro understands that he is deserving of no one’s kindness.

yet sho does it anyway. he does it because he wants to and because he cares. and that’s far more than toichiro could’ve ever asked for

Dear best friend the Unbreakable Bonds(semihina)

Chapter 1: Reunion

Semi Eita had always treasured his childhood friendship with Hinata Shoyo. They were inseparable, spending their days playing volleyball, jamming to music in Sho's garage, and dreaming of a future where they would conquer the world together. But fate had separated them when Semi moved away from Tokyo, and Hinata never got a chance to see him again.

Years passed, and Hinata's longing for his best friend only grew stronger. He missed the part of him that was his other half, the person who took his heart when he left. Unbeknownst to Hinata, Semi had recently joined a group chat with their friends, silently observing their conversations.

One fateful day, as Hinata poured his heart out, This is what he had to say

Sho:Dear best friend I hope that your good generally good since you left me here in Tokyo it has not been easy but I want to say thank you even though it broke me into a million pieces when you left..

Sho was sobbing a little feeling the weight of their separation, he accidentally called the group chat, unaware that everyone was on mute. He continued what he was saying

Sho:I want to say thank you even though I miss you everyday I still want to say thank you just thank you for inspiring me inspiring me to face my fears you always make me want to be better I wish you could be with me and see me and I wish you could see me transform into a better person but you are not here you are in Miyagi either way I hope you are proud of me

Sho took a deep breathe trying to clam himself and continued

Sho: I’m not mad not really ’m just…in pain because when you left you took my heart but hey what’s the sun without a little rain right”? Remember I once told you I could conquer the world with one hand as long as you are with me holding the other one

Semi smile as ge remember that be concern still washed over him

As he listen to sho speak as he sobs again on his words

Sho:I wish that was true now all I have is the thought of you holding my hand the childhood memories of us playing volleyball and also our jam sessions in my dad's garage with all those memories and the thought of you I will still conquer the world but No matter where you are I will stay strong and stand tall because I know you wouldn’t want to see me fall not again and with every success I am celebrating I always think of you there with me cracking stupid jokes hugging me and telling me well done sunshine

His voice cracked with emotion as he expressed his longing for Semi, his gratitude for the inspiration he had given him, and his struggles since their separation. But sho hadn't finished yet

Sho:you are and always will be my biggest inspiration and I want you to be proud of me even at my worse I want to just picture you next me with some pep talk as well as being proud of me I want you to keep going. I want you to win even though I can’t be there to celebrate with you I want you to love yourself like I love you and be yourself be the light people want to see just remember know what happens no matter where you are in the world and no matter where I am I will always love you ❤️ that will never change maybe I am the sun☀️ and you are my moon 🌙 even they can be seen in the same sky together until we meet again Semi Eita

That shocked Semi to hear Hinata's voice after all this time, couldn't contain his emotions. He desperately wanted to comfort his sunshine, to tell him how sorry he felt for leaving and how much he missed him too. But he remained silent, listening to every word, the pain and regret growing within him.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group chat was left reeling from Hinata's heartfelt confession. Suga wondered who Hinata was talking about, while Kenma noted the pain in his voice. Kuroo found himself curious, and Kita couldn't help but feel the sadness in Hinata's words. Atsumu couldn't help but wonder how long Hinata had kept these feelings bottled up.

Chapter 2: The Truth Revealed

As Sho continued to pour his heart out,Semi struggled with his decision to remain silent. He couldn't bear to see his beloved best friend in pain any longer. Finally, unable to keep his feelings hidden any longer, Semi spoke up, calling Hinata by his name.

Hinata was stunned. "Semi? Is that you?" he stammered, his voice filled with disbelief and hope.

Semi responded warmly, "Hello, love. We are going to talk about the rehab, love."

Sho felt a mix of embarrassment and relief wash over him. Did Semi hear everything he said? He knew he couldn't hide the truth any longer. "Yes, Eita. And did you hear all of that?" he asked, anxiety lacing his words.

Semi's response confirmed Hinata's worst fears. "Yes, every word," he admitted, causing a surge of emotions to overwhelm everyone in the group chat.

Caught off guard, Sho quickly ended the call, needing time to process the situation. Semi understood that Hinata needed his space, but he was determined to be there for him.

Chapter 3: Unveiling the Darkness

Days passed, and as Sho gathered his thoughts, he couldn't escape the guilt and shame of his actions. He knew he needed to open up about what had led him down the path of drugs and self-destruction. With the support of his friends, he mustered the courage to share his story.

Sho detailed how he had fallen in with the wrong crowd, getting involved in drug abuse and even running drugs for a dangerous gang locked in a turf war. The revelation shocked Semi and the others, their hearts breaking at the hardships their beloved sunshine had faced.

Hinata explained the pressure he faced and how one thing had led to another until he found himself wrapped up in a world of darkness. But through it all, he held onto the memories of their friendship and the hope of seeing Semi once again.

The group chat oscillated between anguish and determination. They decided to band together to support Sho, encouraging him to turn his life around. They vowed to stand by him, knowing he needed love and understanding, not judgment.

With a newfound sense of purpose, Semi and the group chat promised to help Sho fight his demons and heal his wounded heart. They would make sure their friendship remained unbreakable, no matter the distance or the challenges they faced.

As they navigated the complexities of Sho's recovery and the mysteries behind Hinata's disappearance, their bond grew stronger than ever before. Supporting each other through their darkest days, they discovered that together, they could conquer anything that life threw at them.

And so, the journey continued, filled with tears and laughter, heartache and healing, but always with a belief that their friendship could withstand any trials they encountered along the way. They were determined to prove that their unbreakable bonds could guide them back to the light, where they could face the world together, one step at a time.

Chapter 4: The Relapse

Sho had been making progress in his recovery, supported by Semi and their friends every step of the way. They had all noticed the positive changes in Sho's demeanor and his commitment to turning his life around. However, life has a way of testing one's resolve, and Sho's journey was no exception.

One evening, when the group had planned to have a casual get-together, the weight of his past struggles overwhelmed him. Feeling the familiar pull of temptation, Sho found himself relapsing back into drugs. Unbeknownst to him, Kenjiro Shirabu, one of their friends, caught a glimpse of this heartbreaking moment.

Kenjiro was torn. On one hand, he knew that Semi and the rest of their friends had been pillars of support for Sho, providing him with the strength to overcome his addiction. On the other, he understood the importance of honesty within their tight-knit group.

Conflicted and unsure of what to do, Kenjiro deliberated over whether he should tell Semi about what he had witnessed. It was a matter of loyalty versus responsibility, and he respected Sho's privacy as well. However, in the end, Kenjiro realized that the well-being of a friend weighed heavier than secrecy.

Chapter 5: A Heart-Wrenching Revelation

Summoning the courage to confront Sho, Kenjiro patiently waited for the opportune moment. Finally, one day, when they were alone, Kenjiro gently broached the subject, expressing his concern for Sho's well-being. He recounted what he had seen and emphasized that it came from a place of care.

Sho's face fell, mingling shame and sorrow. He knew he couldn't hide his relapse forever, but the disappointment in his own actions still stung. However, he also recognized the love and support surrounding him, which fueled his determination to get back on track.

Grateful for Kenjiro's honesty, Sho made the difficult decision to come clean to Semi and the rest of their friends. He couldn't bear the thought of deceiving them or eroding the trust they had placed in him.

Chapter 6: The Strength of Friendship

Gathering their friends together, Semi led the discussion, his voice filled with concern but also unwavering support. Sho bravely shared his relapse and the struggles that had led him back down that treacherous path. Tears welled in his eyes as he poured out his heart, desperate to regain the trust he may have lost.

Semi, although hurt and disappointed, possessed an understanding heart. He recognized that addiction was a complex battle, full of ups and downs. He refused to let this setback define Sho or their friendship, and he made it clear that they were in this together.

The rest of their friends also showered Sho with love and support during this difficult time. Rather than casting judgment, they offered their assistance in any way they could. From attending therapy sessions to creating a safe environment, they united to strengthen Sho's resolve and help him overcome his addiction once and for all.

Chapter 7: Rising from the Ashes

The aftermath of Sho's relapse strengthened their bond like never before. Trust was earned back through open communication, vulnerability, and a shared commitment to his recovery. With Semi and their friends by his side, Sho faced the challenging road ahead with renewed determination.

Together, they explored additional resources, seeking professional guidance to ensure Sho's ongoing recovery. They educated themselves on addiction, identifying triggers, and establishing preventive measures. Through it all, the group chat was a constant source of support and encouragement.

As Sho worked towards rebuilding his life, his friends stood beside him, each maintaining their own role in his recovery. They celebrated every milestone, no matter how small, reminding him of the progress he had made. The unconditional love and understanding they offered prompted Sho to be kinder to himself and fueled his commitment to staying clean.

In the end, while the journey remained challenging, Sho's relapse served as a turning point—a reminder of the pitfalls he once succumbed to. With the unwavering support of his friends, he was determined to rise from the ashes, reclaiming his lives, and rebuilding the future he had dreamt of alongside Semi and the rest of their friends.

Together, they would conquer every obstacle that stood in their way, armed with the strength of their friendship and a shared commitment to never let go of the bonds that held them together.

Chapter 8: Unveiling Secrets

As Sho continued his journey of recovery with the unwavering support of his friends, Semi found himself confronted with emotions he had suppressed for far too long. Watching Sho face his demons head-on made him realize the depth of his feelings for his childhood best friend.

One quiet evening, Semi mustered up the courage to pull Sho aside for a private conversation. His heart raced with anticipation as he prepared to reveal his hidden truth. The weight of his unspoken confession had grown unbearable, and he knew he couldn't keep it inside any longer.

Taking a deep breath, Semi locked eyes with Sho and confessed, "Sho, there's something I need to tell you. Something I should have said a long time ago."

Sho's eyes widened with a mix of surprise and curiosity. He listened intently, captivated by Semi's sincere words.

"You see, Sho, all these years, I thought our connection was simply that of best friends," Semi continued. "But as time went on, my feelings for you grew stronger, deeper. The more I saw you face your hardships, the more I realized just how much you mean to me. I love you, Sho. I have for a long time."

A wave of emotions washed over Sho's face as he processed Semi's confession. His heart fluttered with a newfound understanding, a realization that perhaps the missing part of him had been standing by his side all along.

Chapter 9: The Dawn of a New Chapter

In the quiet aftermath of Semi's stunning revelation, a profound silence enveloped the room. The weight of Semi's words hung in the air, their significance not lost on either of them.

Sho took a step forward, closing the distance between them. A soft smile played at his lips as he reached out, gently cupping Semi's cheek.

"Semi," Sho whispered, his voice barely above a breath, "you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear those words from you. I love you too, Eita. More than anything."

In that moment, time seemed to stand still as two best friends turned lovers embraced. The years of longing and unspoken feelings came together in a single shared heartbeat, creating a symphony of love and understanding.

From that day forward, Semi and Sho ventured into a new chapter of their lives as partners, their love intertwining with the deep-rooted friendship that had sustained them through the years. They faced the challenges of recovery hand in hand, finding solace and strength in each other's presence.

Their friends, who had witnessed their journey, celebrated their newfound love with open arms and hearts full of joy. The group chat that had once been a testament to their unwavering support and friendship now became a space to share their love, laughter, and milestones as a couple.

Together, Semi and Sho navigated the complexities of life and embraced the bright future that awaited them. Their shared past laid the foundation for a love that would blossom, vibrant and resilient, as they continued to inspire and uplift one another.

And so, their childhood friendship transformed into a love story for the ages, reminding the world of the enduring power of friendship, forgiveness, and the transformative nature of love.

this story was inspired by @i-cant-sing i absolutely LOVE how they write the Todoroki family

“Leave? Oh no, you stay here now.” PART I

You had known Shoto Todoroki since middle school. You both seemed to always seemed to understand each other since you both had dysfunctional families.

So you can imagine the fear in your heart when he invited (borderline forced) you to meet his family.

That meant meeting the now #1 pro hero, Endeavor.

The man you heard terrible things about. How he trained Shoto to be a cold, unloving, unstoppable force. How he made his wife go crazy. How all of his children despise him in some way for stealing their childhood and innocence…

Truth be told Shoto would be much like his father had he not met you. You taught him that true hero’s need more than physical strength, and that even they deserve to be able to cry. Many times when you and Shoto would meet outside of school he would cling to you while laying his head in your lap while profusely thanking you with tears in his eyes for never hurting him.

After one day Shoto let it slip how amazing you were to his parents they told him to invite you over. Even after he insisted he didn’t see you as a romantic lover they still wanted to see who this ‘magical’ friend was. At least that’s all Shoto told you, but you would later learn there was a lot more to the story.

Since you didn’t wanna be a hero you didn’t apply to UA. No matter how much Shoto tried to encourage you, you always said the same things

“no way! UA is for smart rich kids which I am neither.”

“ UA isn’t really for me. I just wanna go to a normal school.”

You wanted to be someone like Recovery Girl. Since your quirk had the insane power of completely being able to heal someone within seconds. You could even regenerate their clothing!

But no matter how good of a healer you were there was no way to heal the impending stress you felt about meeting the infamous Todoroki’s. You even considered canceling but knowing Shoto, he wouldn’t let you unless you had a good enough reason.

So there you sat in your nicest white dress, that you had bought specifically for this occasion. You were in the middle of applying your jewelry and other finishing touches when you heard familiar screaming.

“Fuck you!”

“Well I want you to but I can’t because my wife is a neighborhood whore!”

“I WAS LONELY! WHEN I NEEDED YOU-”

“Oh here we go again with the lonely bullshit excuse! If your so fucking lonely you could’ve called or better yet TOOK CARE OF OUR FUCKING KID INSTEAD OF PARTING YOUR LEGS LIKE THE RED SEA!”

“DON’T BRING HER INTO THIS YOU FAT FUCKER!”

You had officially heard enough. You didn’t even wanna walk near that battlefield so like usual you opened your window and climbed out, waiting for Shoto to come get you

Within minutes Shoto was pulling up in an all black, sleek car, hopping out before you could even walk towards it.

You did a brisk jog over to you engulfing your face in his hands to check for bruising. He did this everyday just to be sure. You don’t even know how he would react if he ever actually found one.

Next he brought you into a deep hug, burrowing his head into your neck and breathing your perfume and conditioner in deeply.

“Are you ready, Y/N?” He questioned softly

It was almost humorous how everytime someone talked about Shoto to you they talked as if he was a demon or robot, never imagining there was a soft side just for you, only for you.

“Yeah, I guess so.” You let a nervous laugh making him pull back to face you but knowing Shoto you knew he wanted you to keep your arms wrapped tight around his touch-starved frame

“Are you alright? You know I would 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 let him hurt you right?” Shoto was looking directly in your eyes to let you know he was serious

“Of course Sho, I’m not too worried about that. It’s just…you know what never mind we should go before we’re la-”

“𝗡𝗼, tell me now.”

“It’s just that my parents are going at it again and I don’t wanna leave my dad alone in there with her.” You spoke lowly since talking about your abusive mom was always hard to do, it was much easier to listen to Shoto’s problems then address your own.

“He’ll be okay, I’ll make sure of it. Now let’s go.”

He took my hand in his and walked me to the car before opening my door, allowing me to step in and shutting it.

For some reason I couldn’t help but think…

𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗮

That ask you got about Shoto being soft : an Absolute meal.

Please, could you please write what happens after ? Like, it’s not going to be the first time he watches his reflection with a pout in the mirror. He’s always been lean thanks to training and also his dad overly controlling his diet in the past. So, now that his body is soft?

When you fuck him, his thighs jiggle a bit. His butt bounces if you spank him. It always did, but now even more so. When you have him tied to a chair,naked, his tummy is adorable, the little fold in it is biteable and for some reason, it becomes even more sensitive.

The softness of his body somehow accentuates how more sensitive he is now.

But, he always needs the reassurance that you still think he’s pretty. That’s he’s still your beautiful boy.. Maybe he even asks you if you mind ? Maybe after he recovers and he asks you if you want him back as he used to be. ( because he actually liked how your fingers sank more in him now , the way you praised a little more to ease his worries and the self conscious way he held himself sometimes. But , he would go train more, ask his mum to stop being pastries, if that is what you wanted. He’d do anything for you and to make sure you still want him)

+ (imagine him crying a little when praised)

Of course I could! (✯◡✯)

𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔯; Todoroki Shoto

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱; 1.8k

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰; Soft!Todoroki, fluff, a sex scene, insecurities, implied praise (sexual and non-sexual), bondage (in the sex scene), proclamation of love (kinda), reassurance, cuddles, cursing, dom!reader, sub!character

𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔱𝔞𝔤𝔰; aged-up character, Todoroki is 20+

𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢; I hope you like it! I kind of kept coming in and out of some weird writer’s block, so the ending might seem a bit rushed. This isn’t proofread yet!

Also! Shoutout to @buckybabyboyzzz for unintentionally helping me with this, because some ideas in this fic come from our conversation about soft!shoto, and by our conversation I mean me receiving their ideas about soft!shoto ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

𝕷𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊, 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊 (𝖘𝖆𝖞 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊)

You knew fucking him and kissing him everywhere wouldn’t be enough for him to feel secure. It’s illogical to think he wouldn’t go back to the mirror and stare at himself again, with that mean, insecure gaze set on his tummy, on his hips, on his thighs.

You know he’s struggling to accept his new body, and it’s showing with how he’s suddenly becoming more conscious of his cravings, of the servings (which are one of the few things that haven’t changed), of the food being placed on the table (again, another of the few things that haven’t changed.)

He asked you, in such a small, low tone, about what you think made him put on weight. And you couldn’t even lie, not when he’s staring at you with so much trust, awaiting your honesty, knowing you’re not going to be mean or rude about it.

And with such a smooth voice, you tell him that maybe the amount of times he’s snacking and lack of permission to be able to burn off the calories would have contributed. 

And you waited for him to react, to maybe cry, to get angry with himself, to maybe go back to the mirror to check and agree that you’re right.

Instead, he nods and snuggles closer next to you, hugging you close to him as you both continue to watch another one of Midoriya’s movie recommendations, considering how behind Shoto apparently still is with the whole movie culture situation. He just found out where the ‘I am your father’ reference comes from and he’s never felt so happy.

Okay that’s a lie, you fucking him more times after the first has made him feel so much joy and makes him feel so desired and needed.

But, it’s not enough to ease his insecurities and new thoughts away.

You come back from work one day, concerned over how quiet the house is.

The TV isn’t on.

The radio isn’t either.

You don’t even hear the shower.

You thought maybe he’s napping, because poor baby’s still catching up with sleep, but he’s nowhere.

You don’t really panic, but you’re worried.

Maybe he went to the office for something? But he usually texts you when he’s on his way.

Maybe the doctor called for a checkup? But the appointment isn’t until next week.

You can’t really come up for another reason why he wouldn’t be home, but you decide to simply text him to come home soon and safely, telling him you brought some take-away pasta.

About an hour later he returns, all sweaty yet glowing with joy.

Curious, you ask him about the sudden change in personality, as he was gloomy since a few days ago.

He tells you how he called the doctor and asked if it’s possible he could go on long walks and possible morning or evening jogs, to which the doctor gave him the thumbs up and off Shoto went to do some errands, even paying a visit to Midoriya’s house.

He went to take a shower, not before handing you a bag of what appears to be some new workout clothes.

But, his clothes still fit and look fine on him?

Shoto wouldn’t agree, doesn’t, not with how tight his sweatpants feel around his thighs, how you can easily tell where he’s put on weight when even trying to cover up with a hoodie.

And seeing the new clothes in the bag made you upset, if not a bit angry. 

You’re trying your best to understand, but he does one thing and then the next does a complete 180°.

And that night when you’re both just kissing each other, you trying to suck up any moan or whine he makes, the moment you begin palming his dick he pulls away. Staring at you with a weird look in his eyes before turning around, mumbling a goodnight.

No, impossible. You’re not going to allow this!

So the next day when he comes home from another job, you call him from the bedroom, seductively lying on the bed as you play with the ropes.

With enough persuasion, seduction and sweet promises, you manage to tie Shoto to a kitchen chair that you brought into the room before he arrived.

And you’re on your knees, your hands slowly massaging up and down on his thighs while you kiss his stomach, nuzzling the skin before leaving some pretty hickies. 

Shoto’s shaking, eyes filling with tears but not because of pain or pleasure. He’s not sure why he suddenly feels so emotional, but his sniffling catches your attention.

You look up as your kisses go to the base of his dick, making him whimper as he tries to tell you to stop.

But he doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t want this to stop. He’s not sure why he’s so embarrassed (he does know) or why he’s trying to hide (he also knows). He moans your name, rolling his hips up because he wants you, he really, really wants you.

You're not done yet, but while you stroke him slowly, teasing his tip, biting and kissing his thighs, moaning your praise and singing your compliments, all while not breaking eye contact with him, not wanting any of your words going through one of his ears and out the other.

That night you ride him to oblivion, making him go through countless toe-curling orgasms as he fills you with so much cum, his soft cheeks so red you bite them gently, helping him stay grounded and not go stupid yet. 

It helps him think between orgasms about how even with all this attention, with you still desiring him and his body, it still doesn’t feel enough.

Once you’re both cleaned up and snuggled in bed, he has that weird look again, but you know what you have to do now.

You kiss him, so softly, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss, and once he pulls away, you whisper so happily how beautiful he looks, fixing his bangs to show his eyes better, tracing the bridge of his nose and softened jawline. 

And in the following mornings until the doctor’s appointment, you compliment how pretty he looks, how well the color of the new gym clothes look on him, how much warmer he feels whenever you hug him.

And once you hug him, it’s so hard for you to let go, to go to work after that. 

You just hope your love has oozed out of you and he managed to absorb it. Sounds weird, but you just want him to remember your promise that you’ll always love him no matter what.

The day of the appointment came and went within a blink of an eye, but Shoto’s been torn between worried and delighted. He can finally start going back to the gym! He can also take baby steps through his training, but he can also go on runs, just not for long periods.

He’s still forbidden from going to missions yet, but patrols are okay as long as he has sidekicks with him.

Yet, he’s worried about you. You’ve been silent all day, having accompanied him just in case. You aren’t ignoring him as far as he could tell, but you haven’t been your chirpy self, not even following much of his attempts at small talk.

Is this the moment you tell him you’re breaking up with him?

Okay, that sounds ridiculous, but he just wants to know you’re doing okay! He just wants to know everything you’ve done since he’s been homebound (kinda) until today wasn’t out of pity but genuine love and care.

So he sucks in some breath before asking you..

“Do you mind that I’ll be going back to the gym? Did, um, did you like me like this?”

He braces himself for the next question.

“Do you… Do you want me to stay like this? Would this make you happy?”

“Would it make you happy?”

You ask back softly, opening your arms to invite him for a hug, one he doesn’t hesitate to throw himself into, making you both land onto your bed. 

“You’re avoiding my question-” “I’m not! I’m not, Shoto. If working out to get back your body makes you happy, then go for it. I don’t care about your body. Okay, that sounded bad, let me rephrase that.”

You nervously laugh as you shift, making sure he’s comfortable as you try playing with his hair in such an awkward position.

“I love you, Shoto, very, very much. I love you because of your generosity, your kindness, your sometimes too brutal honesty, your unintentional jokes and weird humor, your confusion for such everyday normal things that you weren’t exposed to, your excitement that you fail hiding whenever we pass your favorite donut shop.

And your body during these times has made me live through one of the best experiences of my life! I got to spoil you in so many ways I wasn’t able to do before because of how busy you were. And I got to finally see a side of you no one else was able to see: you’re naturally sensitive, baby. Not in a sexual way, but in such a tender, sweet way that makes me just want to keep you away from every danger in the world.

Shoto, I saw the way your eyes lit up with the doctor’s words, and I’m glad he finally gave you the thumbs up.”

You sigh, frowning as you hold him closer.

“I know how mean you’ve been with yourself, how cruel the change was messing with your mind. I might not understand to a certain extent, but I just want you to know that I’m in no way against you going back to how you were. What I am against is you still being mean with yourself and possibly overworking yourself. Do you understand?”

He takes a while to shake his head, not knowing what you exactly mean but has a pretty good guess.

“What I mean is that you might push yourself too far and hurt yourself again. And if you hurt yourself again, the doctor might make you stay at home for who-knows how much longer and take away this opportunity you’ve probably been waiting for.”

He gasps, never having really thought about that. Yet-

“Do you want me like before?”

“Yes and no, Shoto. Yes, I want you like before because I’ll always want you, no matter what. No, I don’t want you like before because you’ll overwork yourself again and probably hurt yourself even worse next time.”

And with the conversation you both continue to have, many other topics are spoken about, helping Shoto come with his own conclusion that maybe he’ll stay soft like this for a little while longer, until he adapts back into a healthy recovery and workout routine. 

Actually, it’s only because he wants to bask in a bit more of your praise, in your reassurance, in your care as you help guide him back to his old lifestyle, all while slowly taking out certain things that you’ve both incorporated into your lives while he stayed at home.

Meaning next time his mother paid a visit, pastries, as much as they’re appreciated, will be politely declined.

Holiday Troubles

Characters: Aizawa, trans male reader

Contains: Unsupportive family, transphobia, homophobia, misgendering, mentions of a deadname (D/N), mentions of religion and praying, mentions of dysphoria, angst, hurt/comfort, angst with fluff ending. This was written mainly as a comfort fic during the winter holidays but wanted to post this here (originally posted on AO3). Please read with caution as this content may be triggering for some

Word Count: 2K+ 

The holidays were always rough for you, being not only gay but transgender as well. There were the off-putting tension and feelings every time you walked in the room, and the side glances and judgemental glares that were shot your way if you were even caught wearing something feminine and not masculine. Mostly from your parents and family, feeling the obligation that you had to follow gender norms in the hope to not only pass but to be taken seriously in your own identity.

The holidays got a little easier once you married your now husband. He made visiting your family a bit easier and made the holidays in general, more enjoyable for you. This year, unfortunately, he had meetings and a nightly patrol that he couldn’t get out of, so you were left to go to the Christmas family gathering by yourself.

The day came, and needless to say, you were a nervous mess. You dressed up in a suit, something masculine of course to appease your family and keep those comments at bay. Though, you knew you weren’t in the clear as there was still a high chance of being deadnamed and misgendered by family who were unsupportive or others who just didn’t try. Your husband, Shouta, let you know before he left early that morning that if you needed anything at all to give him or Hizashi a call and they would come and get you in a heartbeat. He said Hizashi, just in case he couldn’t be reached, which was fine with you, Hizashi had become a close friend to you.

You arrived at your parent's house a little later than they asked, just cause you were nervous and needed more time to prepare for this evening. You knocked on the front door, adjusting your suit as you waited for someone to open the door, only to be greeted by one of your younger siblings. They gave you a big hug, before dragging you inside where you were greeted by family. Your grandmother was the first to deadname you. She called out as you talked to your uncle, a devious smile on her face as the name rolled off her tongue. You cringed hearing it and so badly wanted to correct her, but if your mother caught wind that you did, who knows what drama may pursue. You endured the conversation with her, as she made sure to drop in your deadname every chance she could get.

“Honestly D/N, you really should stop playing dress up and realize that you are a girl. Your husband would be so much happier to have a wife who knows her place and not some confused girl.”

You took a deep breath and bid your goodbyes to your grandmother as you went to find someone else to talk to. Eventually, dinner was called, and you all gathered around and your grandfather said a prayer. You looked down at your feet the entire time, not really wanting to participate in the prayer. Soon it wrapped up and a line formed into the kitchen to get food. After everyone got food, everyone gathered around and talked, telling stories of things that happened within the past year in their lives, as well as asking questions to others to get the latest scoop. You just decided to eat silently, trying to not participate in the gossip fest happening before you.

“So Y/N, how are you and your husband doing?” Your dad asked before he took a sip of a beer. You held up your pointer finger, signaling that you needed a moment as your finished chewing food before you smiled and spoke.

“Oh, we are doing well! He sends his deepest apologies that he couldn’t make it, hero duties called.” You smiled, taking a quick glance around the room. Some whispers were exchanged, knowing it was about you and Shouta. It was clear that besides your family not supporting your identity, they also did not support your marriage to a hero. Especially a hero who was supportive of you and your identity.

“Honestly, how she manages to keep such a hero man, is insane. Like who would wanna marry some confused lesbian?” One of your aunts spoke out. You gripped your glass tightly, biting your tongue, not wanting to start any issues.

Other family members chimed in to add on to your aunt's comment and soon it became too much. You quickly excused yourself and went to the bathroom farthest away from your family. You pulled out your phone and texted your husband. You told him that you needed him or Hizashi or someone to come to pick you up, as you originally walked, as it was nice earlier prior to the sun setting. You quickly got a reply, saying your husband was on his way, and that he was getting someone to cover the rest of his patrol. You felt a bit bad to interrupt and have him leave his patrol, but god you just needed him right now more than anything.

You hid amongst the rooms as you waited for Shouta to send you a message or signal that he was here. Your mom called out your name, walking down the hall looking for you. The smile on her face dropped as she saw you and grabbed your arm.

“Come on Y/N, we are about to exchange gifts. Stop trying to hide and be nice and spend time with your family. It took a lot of work and effort to get everyone here, like your grandparents who haven’t seen you in ages.” Your mom aggressively whispered at you, as she pulled you towards the living room. You stayed silently, hoping that your husband would be here soon.

Your mom let you go and pointed to a chair near the tree. You sat down and were handed some gifts. You slowly opened them, trying not to draw attention to yourself. The first gift was in a gift bag, and opening it exposed a colorful piece of clothing. You pulled it out and it was a sundress. Although you didn’t mind breaking gender norms, dresses were never your thing, they held too many bad memories and made you dysphoric. You frowned, not having the energy to fake a smile. You felt your mind start to spiral before a voice pulled you out.

“Oh, D/N do you not like it. I made sure to even get the right size and everything. I thought you could put that on and surprise your husband when you go home. Imagine how he would react to see his wife, finally coming to terms with herself.” Your grandmother called out, staring at you the entire time. You went to open your mouth when another voice spoke up.

“Actually, I think my husband looks handsome and perfect just the way he is in the suit he is wearing, but thank you. Maybe we can save the dress and give it to one of my students, I know one of them would get much better use of it.” Shouta’s voice boomed out, making a hush fall across the room. You never heard the front door open, but then again Shouta was very good at staying silent. You looked at your husband, feeling all your emotions and feelings starting to rise to the surface. You caught a dirty look your mother gave you as you stood up and made your way over to Shouta.

He held out his hand as you got closer and held it tightly, quickly bidding goodbye for you both as he quickly led you outside to the car that was waiting outside and still running. “I had Hizashi drive me over, hope that’s okay.” You just nodded at him, not letting go of his hand until you got into the car. As soon as you and Shouta were in the car, Hizashi sped off.

“Heya listener, how did it go?” Hizashi asked out, peeking into the mirror looking back at you.

“I lasted longer than last year, so that’s a new record at least.” You joked, trying not to cry. At least not now, you had to make it until you were home and in bed, with your husband holding you close.

Hizashi talked most of the ride home, while Shouta kept glancing back at you. You tried to listen to what was being said, but you couldn’t focus, so you just looked out the window, slightly dozing off. You woke up to the feeling of being carried, your eyes adjusted as you saw Shouta was carrying you into the house and to the bedroom. On any other occasion, if he was carrying you like this you were bound to tease or crack a joke or something, but in this moment you just stayed in his arms, gripping onto him tightly. Once you both got to the bedroom, he helped you undress and slip on something comfy. After he finished helping you, he quickly changed and climbed into bed, pulling you close to him and holding you tightly.

For a while, you just laid there in his arms, fighting back the urge to scream and cry. Though, after he comforted you and let you know it was okay to be upset and that you could let it all out. In which you did, you sobbed in his chest for what felt like hours. You screamed and sobbed and let out all the feelings you bottled up for the few hours you were at the family gathering. Eventually, you ran out of tears to cry and were only left with your own thoughts. You were overthinking, mostly dwelling on the words your family spoke out to you this evening, and couldn’t help but question if it was true.

“Sho...I’ve got to ask you something, kind of important.” You gently pushed away and sat up in the bed, looking at him. He stared at you, and nodded, letting you know it was okay to continue on. You took a deep breath and went for it, “Am I enough for you? I brought a lot of baggage and trouble into our relationship and I know it can’t be easy for you dating me, specifically with the backlash and comments that get made by my family and others about me transitioning and just. If you were with anyone else, I feel like you won’t get all this drama and I’m sorry I’ve brought so much of it onto you Shouta.”

You watched as his facial expression changed and you quickly looked away, finding interest in anything that wasn’t his face, afraid of what his reaction not only meant but the words that were about to follow. “Y/N, please look at me.” You slowly looked up and he placed a hand on your cheek. “I love you Y/N. I love you for you, you are my husband and I won’t want anyone else besides me. You are more than enough for me. And we both have a lot of baggage but that doesn’t change my feelings for you, we can work through it all together. I meant what I said in my vows and at our wedding and I still stand by it. Forever and always.”

You fiddled with your fingers before speaking up, “I love you Shouta so much, I’m just afraid one day I won’t be enough, cause as silly as it is, I don’t feel masculine or manly enough, that you’ll find more of a ‘real’ man one day and just leave me behind.” Tears filled your eyes and you looked down, just wanting to hide under the blankets.

“Y/N Aizawa, you are absolutely masculine and manly enough. I will never find anyone else or more a man than you. You are all I want, and all I need. I love you so much, don’t ever doubt my love for you, cause it is never-ending sweetheart.” Shouta spoke out, lifting your head up and placing a small kiss on your forehead before pulling you into his arms, holding you close. You just stayed there close, as Shouta whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you drifted off to sleep.

Shouta always made the holidays more bearable, but he also made life in general easier. He made waking up a little easier and helped with your hectic thoughts to calm you down. He truly was the love of your life and the best you could ever ask for. You couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have a husband as sweet and perfect as you. He may not be the number one hero to the rest of the world, but in your eyes and his heart, he was, he was your number one hero.

Burning Heart:  Pt 1

Burning heart masterlist

Pairing: Zuko x reader, Zuko x y/n

Tags: Enemies to lovers, slow burn

Summary: Raised mostly by yourself, you made a living for your youth years as a maid in one of the richest families in Ba sing se, Beifongs. There Toph, a blind young rich girl, taught you earth bending and also became your new family. Not that you would admit that to her. Together you escape Ba sing se on the back of a flying bison with the Avatar, in a mission to take back the world from the fire nation. But on the journey you didn't plan to team up with the Fire prince himself, and you definitely did not plan to get butterflies around him. But you couldn't possibly catch feelings for a fire bender right? They ruined your life and took everything of value from you. But you couldn't lie to your burning heart. 

Warnings: swearing

The Western Air temple

The sun's streaks felt like fire licking our exposed arms. The heat evaporating  from the cracked surface under our feet  was almost as hot as the burning shame in returning empty handed on foot from the eclipse battle. “This is humiliating”, Katara mumbled with her head low. Her voice sparked a familiar annoyance within but I kept my mouth shut. Sokka looked up at her from under the wolf helmet “You mean getting thoroughly spanked by the Fire Nation or having to walk all the way to the Western Air Temple?”. Katara looked him up and down before shame forced her head down again “Both”.  Aang let his hand slide through Appas fur, as if to reassure him that it was not his fault. His forever love for Appa didn't fail to turn my frown. Aang mirrored my weak smile “Sorry guys, but appa gets tired carrying all these people”. “Or maybe it's just Toph who’s heavy”, Not even one of my snarky playful remarks seemed to get the group in a good mood. But I did get a half smirk for Toph that was good enough. “I wonder how the rest of the troops are”, Teo pushed his wheelchair with sweaty hands as he looked up to Haru. I had never met Teo before the battle, but Aang had mentioned him before. He was hella smart and outshined an entire army. But it was clearly not enough to beat the fire nation. I let my eyes wander to Haru instead. I remember the stories of him and his father in prison. A deep weighting feeling decided to settle in my stomach. My father would have never risked everything for me like Haru did for his dad. I guess I was never a family person. I pushed the hurtful thoughts away the best I could by focusing on Haru. “They’re probably on their way to a prison. Seems like my dad just got out and now he’s going back in”. The group fell quiet, and I wanted to feel empathy for Haru. I wanted to understand how much it would hurt to lose a parent after just getting one. I wanted to hug him. Instead i just put a supportive hand on his back “He got out once, we will figure it out”. I didn't know if my words made a difference but I dropped my hand anyways. “I miss Pipsqueak”, The duke, a small boy muttered. Sokka ignored his tiny friend's words “I miss not having blisters on my feet”. I leaned down to Toph's level “Question, when you get blisters, does it feel like if i got something in my eye?”. Toph grunted in response which I decided to take as a yes. Suddenly Toph made a halt stop which almost made the rest of the group fall over. She stamped down, similar to a rabbit, before her face cracked up in a smile. “Hey, We’re here! I can feel it!”, she raised both her hands forward showing us….. nothing. Ahead of us was the same ground  that we had walked on for hours on end. The only difference was a precipies splitting the ground open like a wound. “uhhhh….I think your feet need their eyes checked”, Katara stopped beside Toph with a wrinkled nose. “No! She’s right. We are here!”, Aang’s voice didn't sound in defeat as before. Sokka took one look behind his shoulder as if he missed the “giant temple” Aang had described before shrugging his shoulders. “Wooow”, Toph placed her hands next to her feet, truly taking in her surroundings “It's fantastic!”.

 The western Air temple was breathtaking. How we got down was a mystery, but well down. I had no words. It was everything Aang had described. Stone walls reached over our heads,  clinging for its life on the cliffs surrounding us. Ivy painted the entire place green. With tired feet and a heavy head I slumped down on the bench around the fountain. The comforting noise of water pooling swallowed my pouding head in ease. “It's so different from the Northern Air Temple. I wonder if there are any secret rooms”, Teos eyes were glistening like a childs. Haru had clearly stopped worrying about his dad as he took a leap forward with a smile “Let’s go check it out!”. Teo and The Duke are quick on his feet as they sprint off to explore. Aang is about to catch up with them, excitement clear in his flaring arms, before he’s cut off my Kataras grip. “You guys go. I think we need to talk about some things”, she urges the boys to continue their exploring without Aang and they don't need much convincing. “I'll race you, Duke”, Teo is already taking off. The Duke whines as the kid he is “i told you, It's The Duke!”. The three disappear behind the temple but their voice echoes for another couple of seconds. Aang's looks after the boys with desperation in his grey eyes “Why can’t I go?”. I get up on shaky legs and make my way over to them. “We need to decide what we’re gonna do now, and since you’re the Avatar, maybe you should be a part of this”, Katara sits down on a fallen stone block. “Fair enough. So, what’s the new plan?”Anyone could easily detect the evidence of annoyance in Aang's voice as he slumps down on another stone block. But Katara was right, no matter how much I hated to admit it. Sokka placed a hand under his chin, mimicking an old philosopher  “Well, if you ask me, the new plan is the old plan! You just need to master all four elements and confront the Fire Lord before the comet comes.” They way Sokka phrased it was as if it was not that hard. As if it was just a cup of tea, which clearly struck a nerve with Aang.“Oh , yeah. That’s great. No problem. I'll just do that”, Aang threw his words in irony. He started playing with a rock beside him with furrowed eyebrows. He had never looked more like a child. “Aang, no one said it’s going to be easy”, Katara’s voice clinged in empathy. It irritates me how she always complains about being the mom of the group as if she didn't take on that role by herself. But I know a mother's empathy is exactly what Aang needed right now. I easily earth bended a rock under me to lift me up on the high cliff Toph was sitting. The familiar vibrations of earth moving under me filled me with calm. I threw my legs over the edge and slumped down next to Toph's much smaller frame. “Well I am hot but I can't fire bend. Where are we supposed to get a firebending teacher?”, Sokka couldn't help but smile at his own joke. I let out my low hanging bun, ignoring how my baby hairs are slicked down my face by sweat. “You hot? You're hot when Bisons can fly”, I shot him a flirty smile which resulted in Sokka snorting playfully. Katara ignored our remarks “We could look for Jeong Jeong!”. Aang didn't hesitate to shoot her idea down “Yeah...right”. He slumps down his body over the rock without care “like we’ll ever run into Jeong Jeong again”. Me and Toph look curiously at each other “Who’s… oh”. Toph, annoyed by how the group didn't tell us anything crossed her arms “never mind. If it's important I’ll find out”.

The further the sun moved down the horisont, the more Aang started to avoid talking about a plan. He flung forward Appa on his staff, gliding smoothly over the winds. Both me and Toph clung onto the Appa, not liking being this far above the ground. Sokka was always the comic relief but even him had taken on a mom role “Aang, i think we should be making some plans about our future!”. Aang bluntly ignored his words as he landed next to the fountain, the glider still in his hand. Aang watched us land Appa next to him “Okay, we can do that while i show you the giant Pai Sho table! Oh you’re gonna love the all-day echo chamber!”. He was about to sprint away from us again, away from his responsibilities when Toph trot after words. Her demeanor turned serious, which it rarely does “i think that’ll have to wait”.  Toph shrugs as she points behind herself. Everybody quizzically tries to see what she’s talking about as Appa’s huge frame moves to the side revealing a shadow. As the late day light falls upon him there is multiply gasps within the group. In front of us is a teenager, probably around my age, a head taller or so. What captures me first is his face. His scar to be exact. A scar the size of a palm extends from  his ear and over his eye. It leaves a nasty patch of skin the color of a bonfire. It looks as if he has tried to hide the scar with strands of hair but the hair has a life of its own. It's long, uncombed and falls down his face only to reveal a couple of intense eyes. The color was the same as pooling honey dripping down a warm cup of tea. He was insanely attractive, making my heart skip a beat or two. But he was also screaming to be remembered in the back of my mind. His identity on the tip of my tongue. His honey eyes turn to me for a second but that's enough to spark a part of my memory. Brown eyes mean fire nation. Which makes my eyes quickly take in the obvious fire nation clothing hanging over his long slender body. The previous shock within the group quickly turns into anger. The boy hesitantly raises his hand and gives us a wave, which would be adorable from anybody except a fire bender “Hello”. He tries on a careful weak smile “Zuko here”. That's all it takes for me to take on a fighting position. My hand raised above my waist, fingers vibrating ready to bend the earth to swallow him up. Zuko, The fire prince himself. The gang had told me and Toph stories of his repeated attempts to kill them. His awful actions and how he took katara's necklace. Well, maybe the necklace part doesn't make me that angry. Toph copied my defense, but her motions seemed hesitant.  Zuko opens his mouth to reveal a smoother voice then i expected “Hey, i heard you guys flying around down there. So, i just thought i’d wait for you here”. Appa growled and whatever i thought the bison was going to do, it was definitely not that. He reached out his dark tongue just to lick the boy. The boy let out a eak as he protected his face from the saliva. I didn't exactly recall the first time I met Appa that clearly, but I'm pretty sure he never did that. In the corner of my eye I see Aang's conflicted eyes as he lowers his staff slightly. He trusted Appa with his life, so I understood his internalized battle. But I was unaffected, hand raised protectly. Appa’s tongue slicked up the prince's face again, Messing up his hair even further. Zuko didn't protest this time, he just wiped off the excess mucus. With one last wipe he looked up at us again “I know you must be surprised to see me here”. Sokka looked at him in rage with furrowed eyebrows “Not really, since you’ve followed us all over the world”. Zuko seemed embarrassed as he looked down his feet “Right. Well,uh….anyway…. What i wanted to tell you about is that i’ve changed, and i, uhhh, i’m good now, and well i think i should join your group, oh, and i can teach firebending to you”. I didn't know what to say. The shock seemed to resemble the rest of the group. Zuko seemed to catch on as he opened his mouth again “see i, uhhhh”.Toph didn't give him a second to explain himself further “you what now?”. I had never seen katara as angry as now “You can't possibly think that any of us would trust you, can you? I mean, how stupid do you think we are?!”. Sokka continued her rant “Yeah, all you’ve ever done is hunt us down and try to capture Aang!”. All they were saying was true, but there was a sudden doubt consuming me. It rang warning bells in the back of my head for sure, but there was something I couldn't put my finger on. This couldn't possibly be the evil boy they had described? They told me he had an almost shaved head, just a ponytail. That he hated Aang with no shame. That he would do anything to destroy the gang. The boy in front of me was nothing like that. He was shy, hesitant. Ashamed. He was ashamed over everything he had done. But he couldn't just turn good like that, that's not how it works. This must be another fire nation trick, or so I had  to convince myself. Zuko seemed hurt, in desperate need to defend himself. “I've done some good things! I mean, I could have stolen your bison in Ba Sing Se, but I set him free. That’s something!”. His words seemed true since appa licked him again (much to his surprise). I remembered how hurt Aang was when he lost Appa, is it really possible that zuko saved him? No it couldn't be, he was from the fire nation. Toph had already dropped her defense “Appa seems to like him”. The water tribe siblings turned to her in anger. “I can understand why you  wouldn’t trust me, and i know i've made some mistakes in the past”. The rest of the sparr is a blur to me. I could see lips moving but I couldn't hear a thing. My eyes were stuck on Zuko as I blocked the rest of the world out. I tried to find any mistakes in his clearly made up character but he was spot free. either he was an amazing actor, or everything he said was true. Aang did need a firebender, but the thought of a member of the fire nation, the royal one at that, made my blood boil. What broke my focus was Zuko falling down on his knees. He made himself vulnerable, head bent downwards and hands raised in surrender. “If you won’t accept me as a friend, then maybe you’ll take me as a prisoner”. The words shocked me to the core. If he was really out to kill us he would never have let down his guard like that. Katara seemed to see right through his game “No, we won’t!”. Her little flask dangling by her leg burst open as she water bended a flood against him. It wasn't hard enough to make him go flying off the cliff but it was hard enough to break his position. He fell over, protecting his face. “Get out of here, and don’t come back! And if we ever see you again, well, we’d better not see you again”. Defeated, wet from tip to toe, he moved away from us. As my friends around me started to yell to each other, about how much Zuko was lying. How they would never accept him into the gang. I followed his figure with my eyes. The slumped forward body, the dragging of the feet. I wonder which powerful fire nation person he was going to tell he failed his mission to get into our gang. Because of course it had to be a mission. He could never change… Right?

The next morning seemed slow. My head was pounding from a sleep fof worrying. It didn't help that Toph had disappeared. I knew that Toph could defend herself better than anybody, but I also knew she wouldn't go anywhere without telling me. Katara handed a bowl of breakfast to The duke “Has anyone seen Toph?”. I was surprised that she had even noticed Toph was gone. They weren't exactly close. Sokka yawned and cracked his back from the morning sleep “I haven't seen her since she stormed off yesterday”. Against my will I started to worry. Since yesterday? Had she been out the entire night? I had been grumbling so much over Zuko I hadn't even noticed. I swallowed down the lump of guilt together with a spoon of rice. Katara actually seemed worried for real “I think we should go look for her”, Sokka slumped down next to his sister “Let her have her fun with rocks, i'm in no rush to have her yelling at us again”. I ignored the anger busting up with another spoon of rice. The silence was quickly replaced by the occurrence of a large rumble. Toph comes flying down onto the ground by a pile of rocks that she created from a wall. I rushed over to her, my breakfast thrown in pieces on the ground. “Toph, what the fuck happened?”. Toph slingered across the ground “My feet got burned!”. Katara rushed forward to inspect them “Oh no, how?”. Toph annoyance from Katara's question quickly turned into shame “Well, I kind of went to see zuko last night”. It looked like Aang had been kicked in the gut “You what?”. Without another thought my legs carried me away from the scene. Their voices became a questionable noise as I took off. I only had one thing playing in my mind: Find Zuko and kill him.

All good things now come from you

Summary: Wu visits Mako. 

What have I done to fall so hard for you? 

The first time is a total surprise. Mako flops out of bed, kicking away the tangled sheet as he grunts with frustration. Many nights he experiences nightmares, and he reaches for another body. He doesn’t know who he expects to be there or why. But there’s no one there. It’s just him in his lonesome apartment. 

He’s grown tired of Korra and Asami trying to include him in things out of pity. Of course, there’s offers to hang out separately, but in his patheticness he still feels awkward being alone with either of them. He’s also grown tired of Bolin’s attempts to set him up. Nothing seems to click, and he can’t help comparing them to… to… he doesn’t know who, except he does, and it hurts. It’s not Korra or Asami, he’s not quite that bad. Any lingering feelings have turned platonic.

He gets ready for the day, opens the door, and he’s there. Mako abruptly remembers that he doesn’t have work today. Now, he’s not sure whether that’s a positive.

Wu.

Mako intones, “What are you doing here.”

He’s supposed to be on some kind of tour with his… music career. Mako likes many of Wu’s traits that he’d never admit, but his singing leaves a lot to be desired. Nonetheless, something about Wu’s alluring voice attempting to hold a note always makes his heart jump into his throat.

“Is that any way to talk to your old friend?” Wu spreads his arms. Mako is surprised he doesn’t go in for a hug. Perhaps, he’s learned some boundaries.

“Old employer, you mean.”  Mako is semi-aware that he’s trying too hard to distance himself. He tried and tried to drop hints about his feelings, and he’s lost hope that Wu will ever see him that way, that he even could.

“Aw come on, after all we’ve been through?” Wu frowns. “I thought I meant a little more to you.”

Mako raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms. “Did you want something or did you just come by to say hello?”

“I thought we could just… talk. I don’t know. I’m bored.”

So, Mako lets him inside. Wu looks around a bit, then shuffles over by a wall where he stands there staring at Mako. He offers, “Are you going to… sit down?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Um… okay.”

They talk. Hours fly by that Mako scarcely notices at first. He has plenty of input in the beginning, but eventually he lays on the bed. He places his hands behind his head, closes his eyes and just listens to his voice, his unexpected insights. Wu speaks of his travels, with plenty of humorous stories. 

He vanishes as suddenly as he came. Mako must have fallen asleep, because when he opens his eyes Wu is gone with no sign that he was there.

You are my everything… My head, my heart, my mind, my wing

It takes the second time to hear the edge in Wu’s voice, his deliberate leaning on the light-hearted. Whenever the serious side of his stories seems like it will thicken, he changes course.

This time, he has visited Mako at work. Mako has some backed up paperwork to take care of. A few pages in, he’s slacking and trying to play Pai Sho with himself; it’s not going well. He’s not a keen player to begin with, never as interested in it as Bolin. A hand reaches out and moves a piece. Mako looks up, and there’s Wu.

Mako actually hasn’t noticed the station is empty except for him until this moment. 

“Wu… it’s been a few weeks hasn’t it? How are you?”

Wu waves a hand. “Oh you know. Seeing things, meeting people. Did I tell you that time I ran into the swamp chasing that -”

“Right. If you like the swamp so much, maybe you should live there.”

Wu stares at him. His gaze is searching, but Mako is uncertain what he’s looking for. 

“Do you want to play?”

“Oh I’m terrible!”

“Well, I’m so great either…”

Wu reaches up to run his fingers through his own hair. He pauses and drops his hand. “I guess we can be terrible… together…”

There’s a twitch of a smile, and Mako realizes his smiles haven’t reached his eyes, not even the last time he saw him.

The past, the present, tomorrow too... 

The third time, part of Mako is expecting it. He’s at a spa after all, in a steam room. It was Asami’s suggestion, and it was just going to be them hanging out. Then, somehow everyone else got wind of it and showed up. And by everyone, he means: Korra, Bolin, Opal, Wing and Wei, Tu, Jinora, Kai, even Lin. Not every single person he knows fairly well, but it might as well have been. 

He managed to ditch them all at one point. He got a little… overwhelmed when they started talking about Kuvira. He definitely did not start sweating and run out of there like a chickendeer with its head cut off. 

Mako’s eyes snap open when he feels a brief and slightly damp sensation on his forehead. Wu grins at him, but his eyes are unfocused. It’s unsettling.

“Did you just… kiss me?”

“Haha sure… oh buddy, the heat must be getting to ya.”

Mako glares at him. He knows what he felt, and there’s no other explanation. He decides not to press the issue. Then, his eyes wander to Wu’s bare torso and his throat tightens. Wu lowers himself to sit beside him. It’s close but not so close as to be brushing against each other. Mako squints. It seems deliberate. Does Wu know about his feelings? Is he grossed out or just trying to spare him the rejection? Mako’s head gets kind of spinny.

This time is mostly silent. Mako - to his own surprise - is the one who tries to start conversation. Wu seems lost in thought though, and his responses are too monosyllabic to work into more. Occasionally, Wu catches Mako’s eye when Mako glances at him. Every time, Mako looks down at his own lap, cheeks heated and not from the steam. 

I’ll spend my final day with you

The fourth time, Mako is so shocked it angers him.

It’s a bust gone wrong. He’s tied up, definitely not expecting any visitors. That sonorous voice calls to him, “Heyy Mako. Looks like you’re all tied up, am I interrupting?”

Mako’s face aches where he was punched, one of his eyes is swollen shut, and he’s pretty sure a few ribs are cracked, if not broken. Somehow, he manages to glare at Wu. Then, he panics.

“What are you doing here?!”  Mako squirms, but it’s no good. “Get out of here!”

“Nah, I’m good. Can’t stay long though, but I got you a present.” Wu tosses him a knife. There are jewels in the hilt. “Nothing extravagant, but I think you can take it from here? The guard was asleep… they hired a kid, poor thing. He looks to be about… twelve? Maybe you should I dunno, adopt him or something.”

Mako stares at the knife. This has to be one messed up dream resulting from head trauma. “I - I feel too young to be a… a dad to a pre-teen and… I don’t think I’d make a good one.”

“Nonsense! You have just the kind of experience to relate to the kid. Big brother then?”

Because that went so well with Kai, though that was more Bolin’s mission than his. “He’d probably just see me as condescending.”

Wu shrugs. “Well, see you later Mako. I - I hope I can see you again soon.”

He walks out. Not long after, Mako escapes by managing to cut the ropes with his limited range of movement. It helps that the obviously expensive dagger, though probably meant to be decorative, is incredibly sharp. He hoists the kid over his shoulder kicking and screaming, then leaves it up to Lin to sort out. He has too many of his own issues. 

Later, when he’s giving his statement, he’s at a loss explaining his escape. 

He decides to loosely suggest that the kid helped him out. He’s adopted to a nice family within the week, and Mako sends him an encouraging letter with Bolin’s assistance with the wording. He doesn’t tell a single soul about seeing Wu.

I hope you feel the way I do, I hope you give yourself up too

The fifth time, he gets the immediate sense something is very wrong, and he’s been blind this whole time. He’s walking through the spirit wilds of Republic City, just to clear his head. Wu stumbles out from a tangle of vines. He’s disheveled, a complete wreck. His eyes are wild.

“Mako… Mako…”

“Wu?” For the first time, Mako reaches out to him as though to cradle him.

His hands pass right through him. Mako gasps, his eyes widening. “What - how -”

Wu gives him a pleading look and whispers, “You have to save me Mako… please… if I mean even a quarter to you what you - what you mean to me.”

“Save you…? What do you mean? From what? Are you projecting your spirit or something? Since when can you -”

Wu puts his hand up. “Enough questions. I’ve officially run out of time, Mako. I - I love -”

Then, he fades, just as Mako chokes, “You -”

 Mako can’t breathe. He sprints to the station and barges in on Lin.

“Mako? What do you think you’re -”

Mako slams his palms flat on the desk. “It’s Wu!”

Minutes feel like hours. Korra isn’t able to sense him, claiming to Mako’s horror that it means his life force is weak. Eventually, they’ve gathered everyone who has remotely associated with Wu in the last few months. His location is tracked to somewhere in the swamp… which ended up being the result of Mako’s gut feeling based on circumstantial evidence.

The evidence being that Wu somehow brought up the swamp in every conversation. Something that he only vaguely recollects after thinking about it really hard. 

Mako finds him first, of course. He’s laying in a muddy ditch, as disheveled as when his spirit most recently appeared. There are scrapes on every inch of skin he can see, and an especially deep wound somewhere in the abdomen. He’s wrapped in glowing vines that may or may not be keeping him on the cusp of life. The blood is difficult to see amongst the mud and vines, but Mako can smell it. He rushes to Wu and kneels down. He gently scoops him up, even though he knows he shouldn’t move him.

It’s probably too late. The vines retreat.

“Wu, please. Please don’t leave me. You were wrong okay? I care about you so, so much.” Mako finally releases his stranglehold on his deepest emotions, and the tears flow. “You need to pull through this, you need to fight so I can - so I can - tell you that I-”

He can’t say the words, not like this, not when he can’t even hear them.

Soon, the others appear. Korra and Kya quickly rush to his side and take over. He stays close. His vision blurring. Someone pulls him away, rambling something. Someone else puts a blanket around his shoulders. Someone says, “It’ll be alright.”

Mako can see the doubt in their eyes.

Mako and Wu are carted in different directions. It feels wrong, to be pulled away from him. However, he doesn’t think he can take it if the worst scenario is true. 

How could he miss it? 

Mako is numb and quiet as hours or maybe days pass. It’s discovered that Wu met someone claiming to be a scouting agent. Apparently, he had worked with Varrick and Bolin at one point, and that was all that was needed for Wu to trust him.

Mako should’ve never left his side.

It went very south. Wu was innocent in everything, but of course he somehow ended up in the crossfire of a scandal involving spirit vines, former Kuvira followers, and big, big debts. He was nothing but a puppet for some fiend to hide behind.

“I’m in love with him,” Mako says out loud, just so the universe at least can hear it. Of course, he’s overhead by several people. He distantly registers he’s in the air temple. He doesn’t know when that happened. 

“...You’re kidding,” Bolin remarks, staring. 

“You didn’t know?”

“Dude… I thought you were straight. Everyone knew Wu was into you, but we thought it was an epically tragic case of unreciprocated affection!”

“There’s nothing epic about that,” Mako grumpily mutters. He’d thought himself in that position once, and Bolin is making it sound like fun mover material.

When he explains how he guessed Wu’s location, Lin of all people says, “He was about as obvious as you were with how you felt. That is, too subtle… by the spirits, how could you two be such idiots?”

“I know right? They’re made for each other,”  Asami says. 

And…

Oh.

“He didn’t know.”

“Probably not, Mako.”

Mako slaps his forehead. “I’m such a moron.”

No one responds to that, but they don’t refute it either. He doesn’t blame them.

I’m damned to feel the way I do

Mako is going to visit Wu. It feels strange the other way around. He carefully crosses the threshold, flowers clutched in his hand. It feels weird, but it also didn’t feel right not to bring anything. This is it, after all; an end and a beginning.

“When I saw you, hurt and lifeless… there are just so many things I wish I had said,” Mako murmurs. “Despite the time I’ve had to think about, I still don’t know what words to choose. I couldn’t even say it to your face, but this is catharsis, I suppose.”

He goes on, “I’m sure you know, when we first met I thought you were one of the most obnoxious people on the planet. Okay, maybe you didn’t know - or if you did, you hid it well. Somewhere along the line I started to see… what a truly amazing and strong person you are.”

“You really impressed me with how you had grown,” Mako continues. His chest aches. He’s not sure what he’s doing. He takes a few steps closer and drops to his knees. “I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell you goodbye. Every stupid little thing you would do became so endearing, it made me so - so stupid. A stupid fool in l-”

He still can’t get the word out, not when addressing Wu without him being there. Silence falls as Mako loses the strength to talk. He wipes at his dampened cheek feebly with his sleeve. 

“What happened to my big tough guy? Not that there’s an -” A pause and a weak cough. “Anything wrong with being touchy-feely. Good for you.”

Mako drops the flowers, and he rushes so fast to stand that his knee rams into the metal bed frame. He winces, then he looks at Wu, and his minor pain evaporates. Wu’s eyes are half-lidded, his knuckles pale where he’s clutching the sheet. He’s clearly struggling to stay awake. However, he gives Mako a lopsided smile, his beautiful eyes twinkling. 

“It’s a  good thing you don’t have to, huh? Be in a world without me that is,” Wu mutters.

Mako reaches to brush his hair to the side. 

“Sure scared me though. You should rest.”

“I’m just excited you’ve come to see me,” Wu admits. “Stay with me?”

Without hesitation, Mako squeezes himself onto the cot. “Of course. I’m here. I love you.”

Wu grins wide enough that it doesn’t really look comfortable. “Mako I -”

Wu breaks away to cough again. “I love you too, big guy.”

“I wonder, do you remember visiting me?” Mako murmurs, “Do you remember coming to me when you were unconscious? How did you do that?”

“Whaaat? I’m not exactly Mr. Spiritual Guru. How would I do that?” Wu adds, “Also, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Huh. Maybe I had cracked and hallucinated it.”

“Or, or, your spirit was the one reaching out and pulling me to you! Because we’re deeply connected.”

“Pfft. It was probably the spirit vines.”

“Yeah... probably.”

Wu cracks a yawn, and his eyelids droop. Mako kisses him on the forehead. His lip has a bad split, so this will do. Wu snuggles into him, and Mako knows the meaning of true peace.

Episode 11: New Believer, New Faith, and a New Vow

2/7/2021

- 1 -

Good morning! It’s a beautiful Sunday here in Las Vegas. I have much to talk about so I’m just going to get right into it.

           It’s hard to believe we’re already a full month into the new year. This year for me has been very rewarding thus far. For starters, I have had no trouble keeping up with resolutions 1 and 4. (For a refresher, you can scroll back through my previous posts to the one from New Year’s Eve.) I have found time each day to read my Bible and pray, and I have had little difficulty in maintaining a pleasant attitude and a smile in my daily encounters with my co-workers and customers. As expected, though, that latter one has been tested a few times by the occasional sour apples that woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But I’ve surprised myself every time by my patience and my ability to keep a calm and pleasant demeanor. (Those of you who have known me for a long time will understand how truly remarkable that is for me.) It’s simply another testament to the power of God to change our basic attitudes when we are willing to let Him.

           I’ve also made great strides in resolution #3, and that’s where I’m going to spend the bulk of my time on this post.

           Have you ever sought something – therapy, a particular medication, advice from a friend or colleague – thinking that it might help with one problem, only to be pleasantly surprised that one, the result helped in many other ways you hadn’t anticipated; and two, that the change/outcome/counseling exceeded your initial expectations by such a great magnitude that you couldn’t believe you hadn’t sought this help long ago? That feeling has been with me for over three weeks now, and it’s only getting better with each session.

           One of my first tasks in tackling resolution #3 was to consult a pastor on this issue of homosexuality and the Bible. I needed to know what God really said in His Word on this controversial topic, and since I have yet to find a home church here in Las Vegas the only pastor that I am casually acquainted with is Mark Sjostrom of the church in which I was born and raised back in Twin Falls, Idaho.

           For those of you unfamiliar with Twin Falls or this particular church, allow me to forge a brief rabbit trail here to give you a short history. Grace Baptist Church was founded in 1975, and, back then, it was just a one-story, oblong, red-bricked building, its main auditorium forming a bubble at one end, at the intersection of Eastland Drive and Falls Avenue on the eastern edge of town. It’s still that same building today, only now there’s a massive, two-story gymnasium/classroom on the other side of the back parking lot, and a third, smaller, two-room annex that sits behind the gym. The first of those latter two structures was needed in the early eighties when the church launched its own private school, Twin Falls Christian Academy. I was in kindergarten when the gymnasium was under construction. I have many memories of watching my dad and some of the other men in church up on the scaffolds, putting together the walls, while I waited for my mom to pick me up after school, which was held in the various Sunday school rooms in the church. A few years later, I would be attending high school in the classrooms above that gym.

           In the years since I have grown and left Twin Falls, I have come back to that church on the occasional Sunday morning worship service when I’m home for a vacation visit. I’ve always had mixed feelings every time I set foot beyond the threshold of its main doors (see my previous posts about my struggles during my teen years.) It’s the same feeling you get when you come back to something that is at once familiar and strangely comforting, but also brings with it unpleasant memories and the pain of old wounds that have never quite healed.

           Grace’s pastor since 2005 has been Mark Sjostrom (pronounced ‘shos-trum’), and I didn’t know him that well when I decided to consult him on this issue. Our only interaction thus far had been a brief handshake and a greeting after those sporadic Sunday morning worship services, and I wasn’t sure he would even remember me when I nervously texted him a brief ‘Hello’ a month ago. He responded within a few minutes, and I re-introduced myself and then gave a short explanation of what I needed. We agreed on a time and date for a phone call, and I emailed him the next day with a longer explanation of what I needed to talk about with him.

           That letter was a  somewhat detailed account of what most of you are already familiar with: my struggle in high school with keeping my secret of being gay while trying to fit in socially and eventually declaring myself an Atheist after being expelled from school my senior year a month before graduation. It was probably about 2 pages, and I was now very nervous after clicking the ‘Send’ button. I suppose now is a good time to tell you something else about me.

           I have been one of ‘those people’ for all of my adult life. You know who I’m talking about: the people who silently judge the other customers in the book store who pause to browse the Self Help section; or the people who quietly scoff when anyone talks about their latest therapy session with their friends or coworkers at lunch in the break room. I’m glad I don’t need self-help or therapy, I’ve always thought. But, then again, good for them, I guess. I’m glad I have all my issues worked out, and I’m a stable, normal adult. I’ve never had any issues that were so bad I needed to get help from an armchair counselor’s latest best seller or a psychiatrist’s couch.

            Hhmmm. My life, lately, has been chock full of irony.

           When the time came to dial Pastor Sjostrom’s number my level of nervousness was up to a ten out of ten on the anxiety scale. I hadn’t felt like this since high school when it was opening night of our Agatha Christie play, and I was one of the main cast. I had prepared a detailed outline of what I wanted to discuss, and, after a few initial pleasantries, Mark quickly put me at ease. I was pleasantly caught off guard by his relaxed, casual personality. I found immediately that he was very easy to talk to, and my anxiety level dropped to a ‘three’ in the first five minutes. Pastor Sjostrom is definitely one of those people who has found the right calling. His warm, personable demeanor made me feel like I was talking to an old friend over coffee at Starbucks, and after about ten minutes of getting to know one another, he brought the conversation back around to my letter.

           Here’s where my second surprise occurred. Mark was bluntly honest. I had told him that I believed I was saved in 1985, when I was seven, after the evening service of one of our church’s mid-summer week long revival meetings. “Neal,” Mark said rather pointedly, “after reading your description of your life after high school, I gotta say that it doesn’t sound like you were saved. Your behavior and your atheism doesn’t reflect the change that is described in the Bible.” He went on to explain that salvation is a change brought about the presence of the Holy Spirit in the new believer. There is a desire to learn more about God and His Word. There is a desire to serve him and to live one’s life in surrender to Him.

           I had to pause and think about that. And, doggone it, you know what? He was right. And the reason I knew that was because I had only to look at the last four months of my life, even more so since I had returned from Christmas vacation. That desire – that hunger – to know God had never been present in my life until September 17, 2020. That was the night I surrendered to Christ in an awkward, fumbling prayer on the way home from work. Ever since, I have had nothing but a desire to read my Bible and change my life. I told pastor this, and he agreed. It was evident now that I was truly saved. That evidence was lacking in my youth and my adult life up to this point.

           My third major surprise of that initial counseling session – yes, that was what is was – was when pastor told me he was assigning me homework for our next weekly conversation. He wanted me to read the book of 1 John. He explained that we would eventually get to the issue of homosexuality, but that we needed to cover this ground first. I agreed  to the assignment, and we hung up. I glanced at the clock in the upper corner of my computer screen. We had talked for almost an hour. I immediately reached for my Bible and opened it to 1 John. I read the whole book in about ten minutes.

           1 John is a primer for the new believer. John states clearly and succinctly what makes a Christian a Christian. Chapter 1:9 was immediately familiar to me from my Sunday School days: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” So was chapter 2:9: “He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness, even until now.” John goes to say in chapter 5:2: “By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep His commandments.” And, finally, verse 20 of that same chapter: “And we know that the Son of God is come, and hath given us an understanding, that we may know Him that is true, and we are in Him that is true, even in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God, and eternal life.”

           Yep. All of that book made perfect sense. Part of that was because I had absorbed so much of God’s Word in my youth that it had sat in the deep recesses of my brain for all of my life, and much of it had begun floating to the surface in the last several months – like debris from an ancient wartime submarine that has been recently dislodged from its ocean grave. Except that these artifacts – Bible verses, fragments of sermons, some of Mr. Walker’s proverbs from Bible class – were not dirty, soggy, disgusting relics. They were bits of priceless treasure, and I’ve been rediscovering them in dribs and drabs ever since.

           I have had three sessions with Pastor Sjostrom, and they are each the highlight of my week. I very nearly broke down after hanging up from our first talk. I felt a combination of immense relief, peace and calm. Not to be overly melodramatic, but it was if something had dislodged in my very soul, like a sliver of wood just beneath the skin that has never quite come all the way out. I realized with immediate clarity that I was getting far more than just a pastor’s opinion on a particular issue for my book. I had stumbled on to something else, something I needed far more: spiritual counseling and guidance for my new life as a child of God.

           I am a new believer.

That seems so strange to say out loud. I was raised in the church. I had at least a third of the Bible memorized by the time I was twelve. I knew all the major stories from the Old Testament – the creation of the world; God’s covenant with Abraham; Jacob, Esau and Isaac; Joseph sold into slavery into Egypt and God’s eventual deliverance of the Israelites from their captivity there; the introduction of the ten commandments and the Mosaic Law; Esther, Ruth, King Saul, David, the Book of Psalms, the prophet Isaiah – I knew all of it by heart by the end of my days in elementary school. Same for the New Testament – the birth of Christ; all of His teachings and parables; His death on the cross; His resurrection after three days; the founding of His church after His ascension back to Heaven – it was all as familiar to me by the time I walked away from high school as the mathematical precepts of basic addition, subtraction, division and multiplication.

           I had assumed all this time that I was still saved. I thought I had really, genuinely believed in Jesus as my savior that long ago night in 1985 when I was seven years old. And maybe I did. But, for whatever reason, the Holy Spirit had not come into me back then. I was not truly saved. (This is perhaps worthy of a more detailed discussion and analysis later on down the road.) Whatever the case, I am most definitely a new believer now. The Holy Spirit is alive and well within me, and I have only a single desire and purpose: to know the God that created me, and to serve him with all my heart, soul and mind.

           Pastor and I did discuss my homosexuality issue in our second talk, and that, along with the extracurricular reading I’ve been doing on this topic, has enabled me to finally reconcile what I couldn’t in my teen years when I first fought with this problem.

 - 2 -

If I am gay, and God – through His written word – has condemned what I am as a sin, how can I be His child and serve Him as he commanded me to do? That’s the question I’ve been wrestling with anew for the last few months. I began this new journey in last September with the premise that I was born gay. I’ve believed that my whole adult life. I proceeded from that assumption through all of my reading and research these last few weeks. But if God made me this way, why would He then condemn as an abomination the very thing that I am? Is He not contradicting Himself? How can this be?

           Pastor Sjostrom asked that very question in our second talk. He then went on to answer it by explaining that my unnatural desire for the same sex was a cause of the Fall, when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. This is what led their descendants to the sins of idolatry, fornication, sexual perversion, and many, many others. Yes, I was born gay. But that’s not how God made me. There’s a very distinct difference.

           His explanation corroborated what I have come to discover in the last couple weeks as I’ve read Two Views on Homosexuality, the Bible, and the Church from the Counterpoints series. Author and editor Preston Sprinkle gathered four prominent Christian authors, scholars, and theologians to discuss this issue – two for and two against. I will not go into great detail of what these authors debate and discuss, mainly for the sake of page and time, but also because this issue is not anywhere near as complicated as it seems.

           All four of the contributing authors to the Two Views book have used the following Bible verses/passages as the foundation of their arguments:

1.)   The creation story in Genesis 1 and 2.

2.)  Genesis 19:4-11 (Sodom & Gomorrah)

3.) Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13

4.) 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

5.) 2 Corinthians 5:17

6.) Romans 1:18-32, emphasis on verses 26-28

7.) 1 Timothy 1:9-10

Those authors have also drawn from extra-Biblical material such as the writings of Philo, a Jewish historian who was a contemporary of the apostle Paul; the Apocrypha; the writings of Saint Augustine; and various other books – most written in the last 50 years – on sociology, sexuality and anthropology in the ancient world.

Here’s an example of one of one of the arguments for the church’s endorsement of homosexuality. One of Two Views’ contributors, Megan Defranza argues that there were many people in Biblical times that were born with no distinct male or female genitalia or other defining sexual characteristics. These “intersex individuals” were often referred to as eunuchs by the people of that time, and many of them were used as sex slaves. Megan claims that Genesis 1 is “…a theological account describing creation in broad categories, not an exact scientific inventory of all of God’s good creatures.” She goes on to say that Adam and Eve were not the exclusive, ideal models for all of man and womankind. They were, rather, just the broad categories; that the birth of eunuchs and other such of types of intersex people prove that God would welcome the church’s acceptance of gays, lesbians and transgenders since they have been born that way, and their sexual desires are natural to them. She claims that God was not condemning the eunuchs and other similar people in those verses/passages I listed above. Those condemnations were for the ones who had turned deliberately turned away from God to worship idols and indulge their sinful lusts.

There’s a lot more detail to Megan’s argument, especially regarding the eunuchs and their forced sexual slavery to their male masters, but it’s not worth going into here. The other three contributing authors give similar arguments, citing external sources in addition to scripture, to support their particular view. Wesley Hill and Stephen Holmes, the two that are opposed to the church’s condoning of homosexuality and gay marriage, give the stronger of the four arguments. Two Views opens with Megan’s and William Loader’s essays (the other author who falls on the affirming and open acceptance side of this debate), but by the time I reached the end of their arguments, I already knew which side of this issue I was going to fall on.

Wesley Hill and Stephen Holmes – as well as Pastor Sjostrom – present a much stronger, sounder case for why the Christian church, no matter the denomination, should be condemning ALL forms of homosexuality as clearly as God does. My own Bible reading and prayer showed me this after only a few weeks. I don’t really need to read all the other books on this topic to know the truth. To be completely honest, I had a pretty good idea of what the end of this journey would look like before I even started it. All the verses from Genesis, Leviticus, Romans, 1st and 2nd Corinthians, and 1st Timothy that deal with this specific issue are quite clear. It is stated over and over: homosexuality is a sin in the eyes of God. Paul stated it best in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11:

“Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of our Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”

That word “effeminate” in the KJV is translated from the original Greek word that Paul used: arsenokoitai. This is a compound word: arsen – male; koite – bed. “Male bedders”, in other words; those men who sleep with other men. In the NIV translation, the word “effeminate” is replaced with the phrase “men who sleep with other men”. The only other passage that Paul uses that word is in 1 Timothy 1:8-10 (NKJV):

“But we know that the law is good if one uses it lawfully, knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine…”

The meaning of these two passages is quite clear: those that practice any or all of those sins listed will not inherit the kingdom of God. They are not true believers and followers of Christ. And thus, any church that not only allows its homosexual members to remain in their sin, but also performs gay marriage, is not a true church of God.

And such were some of you.

God has commanded those that follow Him and declare His name to turn from their wickedness and be transformed. Those that believe on His name and repent of their sins will no longer practice those sins listed in the passages I quoted above. That’s the meaning of the phrase, “…and such were some of you.” Well, I have definitely been transformed. I can feel the Holy Spirit working in me. And, because of that, I have no other choice. If I am to be faithful to my Lord and Creator, if I surrender myself completely to His will, I must take a vow to turn away from my sin nature. I cannot indulge in the “lusts of the flesh”, as Paul says in Romans, if I am to call myself a true Christian. I am now a child of God, and His will alone must govern all I say and do.

But, even more important than those passages I listed and quoted above, is the book of Genesis, chapter two. God created Adam first and then He decided it wasn’t good for man to be alone. So God made the woman out of Adam’s rib, and he called her ‘Eve”. Then, in verse twenty-four, God said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” This chapter, more than any other passage in the Bible, clearly and explicitly demonstrates what God had intended from the very beginning. The only natural desire of the flesh was for the opposite sex: man for woman and woman for man. That was God’s original plan.

Unfortunately for us, Adam and Eve did not resist the serpent’s temptation to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. After the Fall, their perfect, pure natures were corrupted by sin, and that corruption was passed unto their children, and their children’s children. Part of that corruption was the perversion of the natural, normal sexual desire. Men lusted after men and women for women. Even though the subsequent passages in Genesis which describe mankind’s deplorable state before the Great Flood never state it specifically, it is not unreasonable to assume that more than just homosexuality was a problem. Bestiality, pedophilia, rape and incest were very likely abundant among the first few generations of man, as well as the worship of false idols and complete rejection of God. Why else would God have felt the need to punish his creation by wiping them from the face of the Earth, save for Noah and his family?

As the old saying goes, ‘God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’. I’ve always hated that pithy, snarky retort whenever I had to defend my sexuality to anyone who tried to tell me I was living in sin. But it’s true. God created only Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve; not Melissa and Eve; not Adam, Eve, and some other non-gender, non-binary person.

Just Adam and Eve.

Man and woman were joined in holy matrimony and, until the Fall, they lived in perfect peace and union with their Lord and Creator. Anything that deviates from that original, holy standard that God still demands of His children today, is a sin. That includes homosexuality, bestiality, pedophilia, incest, idolatry and devil worship, to name a few. Anyone that willfully practices or engages in any of those things and does not repent cannot call himself a true believer in Christ. Nor can any church that not only openly endorses homosexuality but also performs gay marriage can call themselves a true church of Christ.

So then, what now? If I accept that my sexuality is a byproduct of my sin nature, and that God, in fact, did not make me this way, how can I best serve Him? I’m still gay. That hasn’t changed. (And, yes, I’m sure. I’m watching last week’s episode of The Resident as I write this. Matt Czuchry and Manish Dayal are among the best male eye candy on TV right now.) I still desire a physical relationship with another man. (Either of the aforementioned actors would be especially nice.) But that desire – as well as the act – is a sin. God has made that clear in his Word. After some more talk with Pastor Sjostrom, I finally came to an answer – or, at least, part of one.

 - 3 -

I mistakenly assumed that after I asked Christ into my heart, after I surrendered myself to God, that my sin nature would be transformed. I thought what many torn, conflicted gay Christians and their family have thought: with enough prayer, genuine repentance, and strong faith I would no longer be a homosexual. God would change my unnatural desire, and I would be sexually attracted to women instead of men. I would throw out all the symbols of my gay pride that I had collected over the years – t-shirts, bracelets, baseball caps, the rainbow colored Apple watch bands – and I would begin my new life as a heterosexual man. 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” Yes, it would be hard at first, but God and I would make this work, glory hallelujah amen!

But that’s not how salvation works. Yes, there was a transformation, but not quite the kind that I was expecting. It’s hard to put into words exactly what I felt in the weeks and months following that quiet prayer on that car ride home from work late the night of September 17, 2020. I knew for sure that something was different. To begin with, there was an almost instant peace and calm that settled over my entire being. All the anxiety, the fear, and the worry about the state of the world around me that had been plaguing me for many weeks melted away. In its place was a quiet, firm assurance that, no matter what happened from then on, I was in the hands of God. He would take care of me.

And then, in the days and weeks that followed that moment of salvation, I began to feel more than just spiritual peace and tranquility. The first was a hunger – an insatiable, ravenous desire to read my Bible. I had only the app on my iPad, and I started with Genesis 1. Every night, before bed, I would read two or three chapters. And then I would pray. It was awkward and nothing like the prayers that I heard time and again from my dad or my teachers in high school or my pastor back then. I stumbled over my words, I repeated myself, I kept forgetting what I wanted to say. And I still felt weird doing it. It was like I was talking to myself. But I kept praying nonetheless.

Gradually, as Christmas loomed closer and closer, and the more I read my Bible and talked to God, I felt something stronger inside of me. But it wasn’t anything physical, like an emotion. It was…something else, something in my soul. I imagined this new feeling as a few drops of red ink falling into a bowl of clear water. At first, the drops fall straight down, coloring only a little bit of the water. But then the ink begins to slowly spread, crimson tendrils that stretch outwards, eventually turning the whole water into the color of blood. That’s what it felt like was happening inside of me. My soul – the very thing that made me me was being changed from the inside out. And it felt damn good!

It was after my Christmas vacation, after ten days of rest and relaxation with my family in Idaho, that I noticed an even bigger change. When I returned to the daily grind of my two jobs, I realized that my whole attitude – and, by extension, my whole outlook on life – had been transformed. I was no longer the angry, anxious, frustrated, fearful man that was always pissed about something – usually the people who were my customers. Before, I was short tempered, impatient, always inwardly complaining whenever those around me were being difficult or annoying me in some way. Now, however, I was at peace. The difference in my new attitude from the old was as glaring as night from day. I greeted my customers with a smile. It was no longer an effort for me to be patient with the difficult ones. Nor did I feel the need to rant and rage on social media about the problems of the world, as I had been doing practically non-stop before I became saved.

It was like being wrapped inside joy, as if joy was something tangible – like a big, soft, warm blanket fresh from the dryer. I had to constantly check my reflection because I was sure I had a giant, stupid grin on my face all day long. And that feeling only got stronger the more I continued to read my Bible – now an actual book that I had bought from Amazon – and pray. That, too, was getting better. I no longer stumbled over my words or forgot what I wanted to say. The hunger to know God, to build a new relationship with my Creator, overshadowed everything else in my life. I lost interest in many of the things that had once taken up all my time, like watching TV or playing video games. All I wanted to do every night when I got home from a busy day was to open God’s Word and keep reading.

But there was one thing that didn’t change during all of that wonderful transformation. I’m still gay. The desire for that sin is still there, as strong and lustful as ever. Everything else about me seems different. I am, indeed, a new creature in Christ. So why am I still gay? Why is this particular thorn still lodged firmly deep in my flesh?

I still don’t have an answer. But I do have a theory. The transformation of the new believer in Christ is not like wiping the old operating system of your ten year old iMac. With a computer you can install a whole new operating system that’s free of the bugs, viruses and malware that plagued the old system. The hardware is still the same old hardware, but the software is brand new. Your computer has been transformed. It performs and operates like a new machine.

But we humans are not machines. We are creatures born of the Fall. Being saved in Christ has made us like new, but the old self – the old, corrupt nature – is still there. The old operating system hasn’t been wiped away. Rather, the new OS is now installed, and the two systems are at war with one another. Why is that, I wonder? Why doesn’t God simply transform our sin nature by wiping it way when He fills us with the Holy Spirit? Wouldn’t that be easier – and more complete – than  forcing us to constantly battle our old selves in order to remain faithful and obedient to Him?

The honest answer is, I don’t know.

What I do know is that God, in His infinite wisdom, has chosen not to remove this particular thorn in my flesh. I am still gay.

           The thorn in my flesh. Yeah, that phrase sounds familiar. In fact, it’s been rolling around in the back of my brain for several weeks now.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul writes of the “thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan sent to buffet me.” Those four verses, more than any other Bible passages that I’ve read and also read about, have continued to echo within me ever since the beginning of this journey. Many pastors and scholars agree that that the thorn Paul speaks of was of a spiritual nature, not a physical. Paul says that he “…besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.”

The thorn in my flesh.

What if I am in the same seat as Paul? What if my sexuality is the ‘thorn’ in my own flesh?

I think that part of the reason that God doesn’t just snap his fingers and wipe away our old self is because, without those old, sinful desires and temptations, we wouldn’t continually come back to Him for mercy, grace and forgiveness. It might have taken a little longer for me to surrender if the outside world hadn’t melted down last year, but I have no doubt now that God has always been working in my life, and He wants my love, worship and obedience. My homosexuality is a reminder from Him that I have a choice: I can give in to my sin nature and indulge my own desires, or I can turn from the flesh, take up my cross daily, and follow Him.

God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows our sin nature, and He knows that when times are good, when everything is going our way, we often forget Him – just as the Israelites did over and over in the Old Testament. We get wrapped up in our daily lives, turn away from Him, and give our worship to false idols instead; or we just pay Him our weekly rituals and sacrifice on Sunday, and then put aside our Bibles until the following week. But it’s during the times of adversity, when God allows the trials and tribulations of life to afflict us, that we come to Him. We seek Him because He is our only source of comfort and peace. The storms in our lives remind us that God alone can save us, can heal us. Our afflictions draw us closer to Him. And, if we remain faithful to Him, there is much reward for our devotion and service. When the storm has passed, we often find a rainbow.

The rainbow was God’s covenant with Noah and his descendants that God would never again destroy the world with a flood. In our modern world the homosexual revolution of fifty years ago took the rainbow as a symbol of pride and diversity. When I entered my adult life as an out and proud gay man, I, too, adopted the rainbow as a symbol of pride in myself. I vowed to live my life on my terms, and I wouldn’t be cowered or ashamed into silence about who I was, of what I had been born as. But, of course, I have renounced all of that since becoming a new child of God. It is NOT my life, but His as a gift to me. I live now in complete service to Him, and Him alone.

But I’m not quite ready to throw away my rainbow bracelet that I wear on my right wrist every day. It is still a symbol to me – and to everyone I meet in daily life – but not the one that it used to be. I have found a new place beneath the rainbow created by God in the aftermath of that flood in Genesis. The peace and reconciliation I have long sought has been found at last, and the rainbow is a symbol of both my old life and my new one in God’s service. I don’t find that conflicting at all, just as I have no problem calling myself a gay Christian. Until such time as God, in his perfect timing and wisdom, decides to change my unnatural desire completely, I will always be a gay Christian, and the rainbow will be a sign of my personal covenant with Him.

The process of reconciling this issue, the spiritual traveling and soul searching that I have done over the last few months, has shown me clearly that God is my Lord and Savior. He has allowed this affliction so that I would do the work that I needed to reconcile what appeared to be a crisis of faith. I wouldn’t have experienced personal growth in my life – and my faith – without this conflict and pain. Yes, it has been painful. Peeling back the faded scars of old wounds wasn’t not all pleasant. I had to go back to that fifteen-year-old kid and have a long talk with him. (See section 5 of this post.) I wrote letters to my parents and my three brothers, apologizing for the way I treated them all those years ago. I have recognized how selfishly I have been living my adult life, and the pride of my old nature has screamed fiercely whenever I bow my knee and my heart every morning in prayer. There is now a fight within me – the old nature vs. the new self – that will never let up until I die. And, sometimes, that fight will be painful. And yes, I already know that there are times when I will fail, when I will give in to the temptation to break my new vow with God. But that failure is not as important to God as whether or not I stay in the fight. And I will stay. I’m in this for the long haul, and I know without a shred of doubt that God is on my side. He wants me to succeed.

Hallelujah, amen!

 - 4 -

           Most of you have seen my post on Facebook from three days ago. My only answer from God to this twenty-four-year-old conflict has been a call to celibacy. Until such time as he chooses to change my sin nature, to change my unnatural desire into a natural one, I have made the following vow to Him:

           I take a vow of celibacy before God; that I have surrendered my life and my will unto Him; that I will not give in to the temptations of my sinful flesh; that I recognize my homosexual desire as a sin in His eyes, an abomination caused by the Fall; that He has saved my soul from eternal damnation, and I owe him nothing less than my whole heart, soul and mind.

           I take this vow on the 3rd of February, 2021.

           Amen.

 - 5 -

           I read a long time ago – probably in a textbook somewhere in college – that one of the tools therapists and psychiatrists use in their counseling of patients is to have their patients write a letter to their past selves. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I wrote letters to my family to apologize for how I had wronged them in the past. After some more thought and deliberation I decided to write one more letter, this time to that fifteen year old kid that used to be me.

           At first, I thought this a stupid idea. I mean, how much more clichéd can one get? Plus, I’ve already treaded into dangerously melodramatic waters in this post. Is yet one more emotional, sappy passage needed?

           Ehhhh…yes and no. Turns out, I had a lot more to say to myself than I thought at first, and, son-of-a-gun, I did feel remarkably better afterwards. Guess there was some genuine, therapeutic value to this little exercise after all.

           So…here it is.

 Hello.

It's been a long time.

Yes, I see you. You've been there all along, but only recently have I begun to really see you. You've been with me my whole adult life, affecting me, shaping me in ways I never realized until now. I thought I left you behind when I left high school. At various times in my life since, I've judged you, shunned you, tried to erase you, or just simply ignored you. I could never understand why you never had the courage to speak up, to ask for help. There were a few adults – or even your friends – who would have very likely sympathized and tried to help you. All you had to do was say something! But you didn't. You kept your secret, protecting it, guarding it like Gollum with his precious ring. I was the one who eventually had to reveal the secret to those around me when I was old enough and no longer ashamed of what I was.

           But now I realize that instead of judging you and blaming you, there's one thing that I should have done long ago. I never said, “Thank you.” Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to step into the world as a confident, independent adult. It was because of you, what you went through silently as a teenager, that I developed the strength and resolve to live my truth as an adult. It was because of you that I knew what I wanted in life. It was never my desire to just go with the flow, to blend into the crowd and do whatever everyone else was doing. I did my own thing. And yes, it would have been better if I had been living that truth within God's will, but God, in His infinite wisdom, decided not to work His will just yet. He chose to wait while I forged my own path.

           Part of me wishes that I could go back in time and be the adult that you needed. I would have embraced you, told you that you weren't a mistake; that God loves you just the way you are, including being gay. And, deep down inside, you knew that you were loved. Your parents told you that every day. But you always had that sliver of doubt in the back of your mind.

“Would you still love me if you knew my secret? Would you still accept me if I was gay?”

I, the adult looking back at you across the gulf of years between us, know the answer to that is a resounding “Yes! They have always loved you, no matter what!”

           Part of me also wonders how our life would have been different if you had reached out to the one person that understood what you were going through; the one that knew your pain – and your secret. It was He that made you, after all. What I can see so clearly now is that it never occurred to you to reach out to God. You only knew Him through the church, through your teachers, through your parents, through all the endless rules, and restrictions, and demands that they all placed on you. That's what you rebelled against. God, to you, was just a system, an institution that governed every corner of your life. That institution would never understand your secret, would never accept you for the real you.

           But He was there all along. He was there on those nights when you cried yourself to sleep. You were struggling to understand your pain, to understand the turmoil inside you, but you didn't have the words or the wisdom or the experience to fully realize it all. All that you knew was anger, frustration and fear. But God understood you, and He was there in the darkness, crying with you.

           I want so badly to be there now, to wrap you in my arms and wipe away your tears and tell you that everything will be okay. Because it will be. You can’t see it now, but things will get better. You will find a way through this, and you will emerge on the other side with a strength and resolve that you never knew you had within you. The rest of your life is an as-yet-unwritten map of joys and blessings, failures and setbacks, triumphs and successes that will make all of this suffering worthwhile. You will know happiness that you couldn’t dream of – most of it found within the family that you don’t understand or get along with now. (There are 10 nieces and nephews that think you’re the greatest uncle ever, for example.) God has a plan for you, and, like the father of the prodigal son, He will be there with open arms when you finally come back home. He will accept you, just as you are.

           But all of that is for later. For now, just know this: the storm will pass, and there will be peace.

           You will find your rainbow.

Chapter 217

Trey

I sigh at the thought of April not answering her phone. I glance over to the bed at Cammie sleeping peacefully. I don't know what is wrong with me but even now I have a strong urge to walk away. Leave her looking like everything is alright.

"Yo." Rollie hisses startled. "Fuck you doing standing out here like that?"

"Thinking."

He narrows his eyes at me. "Not thinking of jumping are you? I'm not certified to talk you down nor do I ride your dick."

"My dick?" I frown at him.

"That's all his gay ass heard." He says looking at nobody to his side. He turns to me. "Look, Bruh. I was just saying I don't feel the need to save you."

I turn away from the room door and look out into the city. "Not even a little bit?"

"What's going on with you Trey?"

"Nothing."

Rollie sighs then sit down. I watch him as he takes his time putting his phone down and straightening himself in the seat. He slowly turn his head to me then he pats his legs.

"Come on, son. Have a seat."

"Bitch."

He sits up putting his hands on his knees. "This about you not having a father right? Aye. I got you."

I laugh. "Bitch, you stupid."

"Nigga, I keep finding you in places opposite of where you normally at. Any other normal time you would be in there with my sister. Not watching here through some damn glass like she not your wife. Trying to figure out how to say goodbye? If you not in this marriage I suggest... you know for your kids. I suggest you do it without the cheating and lies that you doing now."

"I'm not cheating?"

He stands up. "Oh no? Most have been someone else room I was turning bitches around from for the past week. Damn, I must have been mistaking. We know that to that woman in there your dick touching any hole on any human or animal alike besides her is that to only way to cheat. You first cheat with your heart. Then your mind lastly your dick. That woman in there is all about the heart shit. It don't matter what your dick does. Aye bruh look. You want some advise, your mama ain't the one to give it to you. You want real advise... you go to that woman in there. The one you fucked over while my guard was down."

"You don't..."

He makes a loud sound. It sounded like a step team chant or something. Like he was about to break out into a dance. He slowly picks up his phone.

"If you want to talk to me we can talk. I'm not out here to fight you but help."

"Rollie you can't even deal with your... what is she?"

He shrugs. "Don't know. You right though. But I ain't the one married. I'm not the one married to my sister."

I frown. "Thankfully."

"What's going on with you?"

"I don't know."

"That's what you were going to say to whoever you calling?"

I scratch my head. "Maybe, I'll go wake Cammie up."

"Damn, I'm that bad to talk to?" Once again he looks at an invisible person for an answer.

"You just going to say what she says. Minus well talk to her."

"Minus well do both. Now let's get your shit together. What are you going to talk to her about?"

I laugh. "You not a therapist, dawg."

"True, my brother but I know my sister."

"I'm going to apologize."

Rollie shakes his head. "What does that mean coming from a cheater? Bitch you gonna do it again. Don't be on defense now. My sister here cause you were talking about killing yourself. Not cause you haven't been home for days."

I shake my head. "I didn't say that."

"Look at yourself. Not shaved, not home with your boys, out here with me, you were sleeping on the balcony my dude. For hours. In Vegas heat."

"Let my guard down." I say turning to her. "She so perfect."

Rollie grabs me spinning me around to him. "She not perfect. She bitchy. She stubborn as hell. She hold grudges like an old elephant. She clingy, broken, and tainted. She fucking loud and rude as hell. Selfish and arrogant."

"But that's okay." I nod.

"Then why you out here, man?" Rollie says walking away. "Hey, Baby."

I turn towards him. "Wha?"

"I was watching the clock. You ready to come to LA now? No, Lee. You and Jordan. Why would I get a house if you said no?" Rollie cuts his eyes at me. He puts his phone on speaker. "What?"

"You heard me. Suddenly you the fucking perfect ass man I been waiting for and I don't believe any of your shit. That's the real fucking problem, Rollie. You fucking change how you talk to me. You want me with you all the time. You used to leave for weeks and the only reason I hear from you is to fucking suck your dick. Fuck I supposed to do believe your shit?" She pauses then starts talking again. "Waiting by the phone for me to wake up and see your text? Like fuck you. All because I'm having your child? What's this sudden change? I only asked you to be safe and not give my child anything. I never fucking asked you for this."

"Did you say you were gonna suck my dick?"

I cover my mouth trying not to laugh. All he does is smirk then straighten his face. This shit sounds way too familiar. She sounds exactly like Cammie. You mad cause he doing what you want him to do? So what do you want him to do?

"What?" She asks out of shock.

"I love you." He says sounding pretty believable.

She sucks her teeth. "Good morning, Ketchup."

Shay laughs. "Good morning, Duck sauce. Ma, are you crying? Who's that?"

"Aye, tell me if you coming?"

"Coming where, Dad?" Shay asks.

Rollie exhales then perks up his whole demeanor. "Hey, Baby. Want to come to LA?"

"Just me?"

"Yeah, if your mama don't want to come. I'll come get you."

"When?"

"Now." He stands up looking at me. "Nigga, don't that shit sound familiar?"

I laugh. "Yeah."

He stares at me. "Man, I got to worry bout you on this balcony?"

"Naw." I say turning to the door. "I got shit to live for."

"Word." Rollie says going back to his conversation with his step daughter. "What's all that noise?"

She giggles. "I was taking all this paper out my new travel bag."

"Flying across the country to fight for someone you fucked over." I say.

He pauses in the doorway. "Too bad she doesn't have a male relative in her life."

I chuckle. I don't know where the actual problem we had between each other suddenly went but I'm glad it has left. I have a lot of genuine friends in my life. Ones that don't go away with the fluctuation of my money or attitude. Ones like Chris. But ain't shit like having a friend that's like the person you love. I didn't realize I needed him to be my friend. I think we officially friends.

 Alex

"Aye." Jamaal says walking his happy ass into my damn house without a piece of a knock.

"We don't fucking knock?"

He looks at the door knob in his hand like someone else had opened it. He chuckles to himself closing it back with him on the outside. Nigga you were already in the house. I sigh. He knocks on the door then he opens it looking around it.

"Did I get it right?"

"Jamaal." My father says from outside. "What are you doing? Move."

Jamaal laughs. "She told me to go back outside and knock."

My father pushes his way through the door. "Bunny, you up."

"Father, you fucking called me 5 times within the last hour. Stop being funny or trying."

"Gossip?" Jamaal asks putting a coffee in front of me.

I suck up the stream and exhale like my body really inhaled the caffeine. The smell was just as satisfying.

"Go ahead."

"I'm going to warm your breakfast some, Bunny." My father says headed to the kitchen.

Jamaal sips on his cup. "Guess who has been invited to Cali to hang with stars?"

"That's not gossip if it's you Jamaal."

"Yeah. Me." He says still proud. "Just me... well and my girlfriend."

"You don't have a girlfriend."

Jamaal sips his coffee. "Oh come on."

I turn my lip up. "Move on to the next story."

"I have nothing else. Damn, ask who the celebrities are."

"Oh yeah. I care. Jamaal, honey boo bear, who are the celebrities?"

"Chris Brown. At the beach in Cali. At a private resort. It'sa couple thing but childrenare invited."

I give him a funny look. "Jamaal? Okay, you got me interested. How did you pull that off? Chris Brown has invited you and your daughter to Cali?"

"To hang with him, his girlfriend, and his secret child."

"Shut up. You a lie."

My dad comes up sitting my food in front of me. "Your mother gonna have that driveway redone. Hope it's not ugly."

"Father, just ask. You want me to supervise her?"

"Thank you, Baby. I can count on you if nothing else."

I roll my eyes. "Jamaal... okay fine. I'll go."

"Where?" My father asks.

"To meet Chris' new daughter."

"Chris? He works for me?"

I suck my teeth. "Dad, Chris Brown. No."

He takes out a brown bag. "Say that then."

"You better leave me alone. Why are you both here?"

"I don't know why Jamaal is here. Your mother went to the spa. I told you that. I came to have breakfast with you."

I roll my eyes. "Jamaal came to gossip."

"I came to invite you to California."

"Jamaal, tell me how you got into Chris Brown social circle? With my name?"

He chuckles. "Trey's inter circle involves Cammie. I was asked by Chris."

"Chris Brown said hey Jamaal we having a family fucking get together you are invited. Please."

He drops his phone on my lap. "I knew you were going to doubt me. Read it. Out loud if you want to hear Boss."

"Where is my doll?"

"I'm here. Father. Shut up."

Jamaal: I understand. Family time is important. I promised my daughter a trip to the beach.

Chris: Daughter?

You never said you had a daughter.

Jamaal: It's a touchy subject. I don't let most people in on my life.

Chris: Just collect other people shit.

I'm being generous this week. Won't you bring your daughter to Cali. I have this place. We can talk some business over s'mores.

Jamaal: For sho. Let me know when

"Oh this is fucking fake. What business do you and Chris have Jamaal?"

"My project. I'm not telling you so you can be negative."

"Not working with fucking singers." I snap.

Dad chuckles. "Secrets amongst partners is never good."

Jamaal cuts his eyes at my father then he starts laughing. "It's about basketball. I'm trying to get on his team. Figured I would try my luck with Chris."

"Basketball? You want me to believe this is about basketball?" I roll my eyes.

"Stroll up to the top. I played with him last week. No don't stroll up." He says snatching his phone. "I was being a pathetic groupie."

I laugh. "Pathetic? Yes, I bet so."

"You sound like a young high school kid. And if he gets you to California and says no?" Father asks.

"Doesn't matter right now. I'm thinking about my position on the team. Plus I'll get in good with him. Maybe not good enough to play just yet. Might get invited to some games. You know they schedule these games in advance. Months ahead of time."

I cut my eyes at my father. It takes him a couple of seconds but he looks at me. I mean damn, Jamaal, you sound like a groupie. I'm not going to dare cut his self esteem here. It would be too deep. I smirk at him. He sits down on the couch.

"Jamaal, make yourself at home." My father says. "I thought he was just coming for a moment?"

"Apparently not."

My father raises his eyebrows. "Something else you want Jamaal?"

Jamaal laughs. "Why you still mad that I kicked your ass in putt putt yesterday? Why you bothering me?"

"Trouble in your romance? You two are sad." I roll my eyes. "Is Cammie going to be there?"

"Why would Cammie be there?" My father asks.

I suck my teeth. "Dad, seriously. Shut up."

"I'll ask your mother." He says taking out his phone. "How's the spa? I didn't ask how your sister was doing. I did not even speak. Just tell me why Cammie would be at the beach with Chris Brown. An affair? What?"

"Oh my goodness." I snap snatching his phone. "Woman you know Cammie isn't having an affair. Don't talk behind people like you aren't related to her."

My mother giggles. "Oh hey honey. I was just kidding. He asking me dumb questions. I'm trying to relax."

"Chris is like her children godfather dad."

"How do I supposed to know?"

"She is your niece!" I give him back his phone. "You so phoney."

He chuckles. "Bye."

Jamaal stands up. "Fine. I'll let you count your stupid technicality. Rematch?"

"It's a tie." My father says getting up collecting his trash. "It's only fair we do a rematch."

The men in my life. I watch them as they head out of the door. My father puts on his jacket.

"This week's meeting will be held at the golf course. Don't you want to practice your swing?"

"You play golf?" Jamaal says shocked turning to me.

"Her playing got us into the really nice country clubs around the state."

I make a face. "Take your testosterone with you. Leave."

"She was cool before you came along." My father says leaving out.

"You doing any shopping for the trip?" He says taking out his wallet.

Interesting. "If I were?"

"Platinum is cool but it has a limit. Gold?"

"No limit?"

He shrugs. "Nope."

I take the Platinum card from him. "Discounts."

"True." He says walking away. "Should be 10,000. I know you can spend that on one bag."

"Does it matter?" I roll my eyes.

He leans in my face. "No. Might be 15,000."

"You don't get shit for giving me money. That's a requirement with me."

"Wasn't asking." He says kisses my lips then walking away.

Summer Training Camp Arc/ Rescue Bakugo/ The End of All Might

Episode 39: Game Start

•the fact that Denki and Mineta physically went to Mido’s house to invite him to the pool is actually kinda cute. Too bad they have creepy intentions

•Momo:”Aw I was supposed to spend several weeks traveling Venice with my parents”

Uraraka: “WHAT is YoUr LiFE??” I feel you girl

•Mineta/Denki:”TheRe’S BoObS At tHe End Of ThiS TuNnEL”

Iida-Absolute Unit-Tenya:”HELLO FELLOW CLASSMATES”

•Iida is built like a fucking TANK what the heck but why the fuck are you walking like that Iida lmao

•Iida talking about how far he and Izuku have come as friends, I’m soft

•Kiri refusing to come without Bakubabe convincing Bakugo to join then looking so defeated when he immediately starts picking a fight I can’t with these two

•”friendly competition between classmates” cuts to Bakugou looking possessed before saying “I’m going to annihilate you Deku/ Icy Hot Bastard” bruh do you have an off switch or at least take it down like 20 notches you’re exhausting

•”YOU DIDNT EVEN TOUCH THE WATER”

“ITS CALLED FREE STYLE SWIMMING”

•Lmao the whole class is cheating

•I love how it just cut to a dramatic montage of TodoDeku moments while Sho can’t take his eyes off Mido WHY THEY ALL SO INTENSE FOR YOURE 15 HANGING OUT AT A POOL DURING THE SUMMER WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALWAYS ON

•Mido/Todo/Iida all just staring at each other intensely having their own inner montages. Literally anybody watching them “...are they okay?”

•Aizawa you party pooper

•I’m sorry but Kirishima is so in love and no one can tell me other wise no I do not take constructive criticism

•Okay that end montage is so fucking pure I’m. So. Soft

Episode 40: Wild, Wild Pussycats

•Kirishima “can’t keep my hands to myself/off Bakugo Katsuki” Eijirou

•Class 1B to anybody they meet: “we’re sorry about Monoma”

•Aizawa loves his class can’t you tell

•”Long time no see” Aizawa’s a cutie

•Lmao KOTA the first of Mido’s adopted kids

•These poor fucking kids can’t catch a fucking BREAK

•Koda tried and I love him

•Kiri’s heart eyes are so LOUD

•I love when they all work together

•”YOURE IN MY WAY ICY HOT”

“Then pick another route” Todoroki doesn’t have time for your tantrums Kacchan

•These poor kids

•Kota went for the KO

•”YOU FIEND OF A CHILD. GEEZ KID HOW OLD ARE YOU”

•”Brats got spunk”

“He’s like a mini version of you “

He’s right and should say it

•Mineta needs a muzzle

•The boys are all like we’re just as curious to see the girls but Mineta needs to calm down 300%

•Kota to the rescue!

•IIDA GOT A FACEFUL OF MiNETA ASS HE DIDNT DESERVE THAT AGSFJSHHSJXG

•Mina almost killed a child with her boobs I’m dead and so is Kota

•I’m sorry but it’s both funny and weird that Midoriya is just naked while being told this child’s tragic backstory

•Aizawa you are actively trying to kill your students aren’t you just admit it

Episode 41: Kota

•Testutestu is such a good boy

•Good training idea according to UA Teachers: Break yourselves or else you’re weak. Just fucking die then you can be heroes

•Tiger is amazing “I’m here to beat you guys to a pulp”

“I have some questions about him...” ME TOO RANDOM CLASS 1B STUDENT BUT I LOVE HIM

•Iida tries so hard

•Momo explains how her quirk works: smart and precise description

Sero Fucking Hanta: “like how poop works” BRUH

•This kid is literally just a mini Kacchan

•I’m sorry but Mido why would you ask a small child who you’re trying to befriend about their murdered parents like what part in your mind made you think that was a good idea

•Mina And Bakugo sleep the same way, starfish style, I love them. But who the FUCK is sleeping under a bunch of pillows off their mattress on the straight floor with their butt in the air (I bet money it’s Kaminari)

•everyone complaining about training in the dark:

Tokoyami: ”Revelry in the Dark”

•Kirishima’s too tired to deal with his angry boyfriend

•Todoroki trying to help Midoriya with Kota “be careful what you say, you can be really annoying” he’s trying

•Tokoyami constantly whispering “Revelry in the Dark” to himself is the FUNNIEST thing to me I love you, you emo punk

•It Dabi Time

Episode 42: My Hero

•these poor fucking kids I swear

•”we want our treat Mr. Aizawa”

“Do you want me to tighten your bindings?”

Oooh Kinky Bad Aizawa akshdhbekal

•MONOMA SHUT UP

•Spinner is a long lost Ninja Turtle Brother change my mind

•”DIDNT ANYBODY TELL YOU ITS NOT A HEROES JOB TO BE HAPPY” clearly

•I respect Testutestu so much

•This muscley villain is Bakugo’s real dad and nobody can tell me other wise

•Okay that fucking Bondage villain is genuinely terrifying

•KOTA BABY STAY BACK P L E A S E

•it’s been X amount of days since breaking my bones- erases whatever number was there and puts a fat zero MIDORIYA YOU WERE DOING SO WELL but for this we will make an exception I guess

•oh my fucKING GOD KOTA JUST R U N

•Mido really thought he was gonna die holy FUCK

•”One For All One Million Percent” MIDORIYA YOU CANT EVEN HANDLE 5% BABY BOY WHAT IS YOU DOIN

Episode 43: Drive It Home, Iron Fist

•Shiggy thinking in Video Games format is honestly so on brand

•Mido is FUCKED UP right now poor boy

•”We’re in big trouble” YEAH NO SHIT ERASURE

•BAMF Aizawa is my reason for living

•Okay I forgot how much I love Twice

•Aizawa seeing Izuku’s broken bones: ”AGAIN???”

•Kota’s precious and I LOVE DADZAWA

•KIRI’S SO UPSET THAT THAT THE VILLAINS ARE HERE FOR BAKUGO IM SOBBING

•”Teachers changing their minds about fighting, why do I feel like this is Deku’s fault” BAKUGO SHUT UP YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT RIGHT NOW YOU DICKHEAD

•TESTUTESTU IS SUCH A GOOD BOY

•DUDE BROUGHT A FUCKING GUN TO A CAMP I FORGOT ABOUT THAT HOLY SHIIIITTT

•CLASS 1B MVPS KENDO AND TESTU MOTHERFUCKING TESTU

•Midoriyas doing a Naruto run because his arms are fucking broken I’m crying

•Tokoyami, Dark Shadow And Shouji IM READY

Episode 44: Roaring Upheaval

•Tokoyami tries so hard to be good I love him

•WE! DESERVE! SO! MUCH! MORE! SHOUJI!

•Yami is so emo And is just such a Good Boi AH

•Scared Bakugo is Baby

•Honestly they’re all Baby

•Toga:”I love messed up bleeding people”

Mido: shows up completely broken

Toga:”Mr. Stainy who? I want that one”

•Aoyama would be the kid who gets caught in hide and seek because they think they have a great spot and can’t be seen and try to peek them convince themselves still nobody saw them in plain sight

•Awase was fully prepared to die protecting Momo I’m CRYING he’s my new favorite

•Battle Plan Mastermind Mido is amazing

•Also poor unconscious kid just being dragged behind Uraraka haha

Episode 45: Shat A Twist!

•Kiri: “I cant let them take my boyfriend” poor boy just wants to help so bad

•Whelp nobody is safe

•LMAO Aizawa just stomping on Fake Dabi has me dying

•Shouto how long has it been since you last saw your brother...?

•Shouji SMACK A BITCH Mezo

•I LOVE SHOUJI

•Compress you freak get those kids out of your mouth ya nasty

•AOYAMA YES

•Dabi stop being a dick to your little brother I’m gonna tell Rei

•Kirishima is so upset AND IM UPSET MY BABIES

•These kids just wanted a fun week at camp LEAVE THEM ALONE THEYRE 15

•...Mic...is the traitor...

•I love how everybody hates All Might’s ringtone lmao

•All Might’s like only Us teachers are allowed to beat our kids to a pulp in order to better them as heroes y’all are just mean

•I know Mitsuki has just a bad a temper as her son but how do you think she reacted finding out her child was the kidnap victim of a villain attack? No matter what you think of her as a parent, that’s still her kid and she must have been devastated. But just like Katsuki she would never admit it to his face

•Precious Boy Denki And Class 1A coming to visit their hurt friends I love this class so much

•”I brought a present! I mean it’s from everyone. It’s a melon!” Okay that was pretty cute

•Kirishima being like “why is everyone crying we’re going to go get him let’s go gays time to get our Gremlin back”

•Kiri:”he’s still within your reach Midoriya!”

Mido:”...my arms are BUSTED my dude nothing is in my reach right now I’m still gonna come tho”

Episode 46: From Iida to Midoriya

•Kirishima is THE Best Boi I love him so fucking much I would die for him

•Iida’s trying his best not to blow a gasket

•”Hysterical Strength” yeah sounds like Deku

•”Go home and take it easy” lmao have you met this kid?

•Kota is so freaking sweet

•Izuku. Go see your mother

•Iida’s got some good points. I’m including that punch to Midoriya

•Bakugo must be so tired of being tied up and restrained you know he doesn’t have bondage kink later on in life just hits too close to trauma

•Kiri’s constant state of mind: WWBD (WHAT Would Bakugo Do)

•Mido: Stealth Mode=Wakanda Forever

•Iida has the best costume this is not up for debate. I also always forget he has an undercut, we Stan an icon

•”So the rich girl just wants to go shopping” I’m crying

•Clean Shaven/Neat Hair Aizawa? Hell to the fucking Yes Please

•I’m genuinely proud of Bakugo and the fact that he knows that he’s intense and scares a lot of people/ how he comes across is aggressive and almost villain like, he adamantly doesn’t want to be a villain even if everyone just assumes he would be. He wants to be a hero. Whatever it takes

Episode 47: All For One

•Rightful shoutout to Kendo and Testu

•”We are offering mental health counseling to every single student but right now we do not see signs of any serious psychological trauma” Nezu I’m sorry but those kids are officially fucked up for life you can’t be serious

•”what if they’re brainwashing young Bakugo right now towards the path of villainy” leave Bakugo ALONE

•Aizawa is like you come for my angry son I come for your throat try me again bitch

•FERAL GREMLIN BOY FIGHT OR FIGHT MODE ACTIVATED Bakugo has no flight mode only fight

•Mido: Incoherent mumbling

Momo:“this is peak Midoriya” I love how they’re just used to him now

•the boys are just like you’re not touching our friend you drunk creeps

•Kirishima came PREPARED to get his boy back I love him

•Bakugo just take the help you prideful little shit

•Okay Edgeshot is great where has he been all this time

•Annndddd it all went to shit so fast

•oh my god Best Jeanist is fuckin dead

Episode 48: Symbol of Peace

•”You won’t escape Shigaraki” umm so how’d that work out for ya All Might?

•Kamui Woods “IM SO SORRY” poor boy

•Talking to Best Jeanist:”consider me...pressed” All For One got jokes huh

•...yeah no BJ REALLY Fuckin Ded

•These kids are so fucking traumatized

•A WILD BAKUGOU APPEARS

•Twice has big Deadpool energy tbh

•Lmao Iida has had enough

•Mom and Dad of group award goes to Iida and Momo

•All For One: asks Kurogiri to help warp the League

Also All For One: Stabs him while doing it

•”I don’t think so. Because... I Am Here!” All For One really said Fuck All Might

•All these kids think in Video Game Lmao

•I know there’s a lot of commotion happening but I definitely feel like the villains would be able to hear them talking

•Midoriya went to Kirishima like time to get your asshole boyfriend back you lovesick fool

•”YOU IDIOTS” you’re smiling because your friends are here you jerk

•Everyone’s so intense then Kiri-fucking-shima is there smiling like an idiot because BAKUGO’S BACK

•ALL MIGHT ALL MIGHT ALL MIGHT ALL MIGHT

•...I always forget Shiggy’s familial lineage and it’ makes me sad every time

•I love this episode so MUCH

Episode 49: One For All

•YOUNG MIGHT

•Nana Shimura looks just like Momo...Todoroki Secret Lovechild Theories Intensifies

•”YOU GUYS DIDN’T RESCUE ME YOU WERE MY BEST ESCAPE ROUTE”

“You’re welcome!”

Oh Bakugo just say thank you

•...soooo many people died in Camino Ward, man...

•Aizawa looks so young

•ALL THE KIDS WATCHING THEIR TEACHER AND HERO GET BEATEN TO A PULP HORRIFYINGLY IM SO UPSET

•All For One really just pulled an “I am your father” move but with Shiggy and Nana that’s messed up

•THE PEOPLE RALLYING BEHIND ALL MIGHT IM SOBBING YALL

•NOW IS NOT THE TIME ENDEAVOR

•THERE WE GO THATS BETTER

•Everyone loves All Might I’m so soft

•I’m genuinely crying guys

•...can everyone hear All For One talking about Midoriya oorrrrr???

•All Might you’re pulling a Deku pleaSE STOP

•United States of Smash I cant

•Kirishima really tried holding Bakugo’s hand YALL

•...Bakugo knows

•I love this episode too I’m so upset

Episode 50: End of the Beginning, Beginning of the End

•Gran Torino explaining why they didn’t know about Shimura’s family/Shigaraki is. Sad

•Bakugo is traumatized someone please help him

•Endeavor and Bakugo are the same person and I hate it

•Midoriya and All Might running to each other on the beach is big Marty and Alex from Madagascar energy I’m cackling

•PROUD DADMIGHT MAKES ME SOFT YOU’RE BOTH CRYING AND I AM S O F T

• PARENT TIME YES

•Jirou’s parents are so cool, Kyoka’s so cool THE JIROUS ARE SO COOL

•Oh my god the Bakugos are so CHAOTIC

•It all makes so much sense why he is the way he is and it’s all. Too much. Poor Katsuki

•He’s so. Tired. You can tell. I just want to give him a hug

•”Be CoOl MoM” Izu you’re just as tense and you’ve been with All Might for literally HOW LONG???

•Mama Midoriya is. Right. But that sucks for Izuku

•This is. So. Emotional

Last part of Season 3 is next. DORM LIFE BABY just a little less angst thank god these kids need a break

imperfections (57/?)

read it on ao3!

I’m Sorry In Advance

“I thought we were pretty clear about the whole we’re-leaving-the-Council thing,” said Jenny through her teeth, rinsing one of the used mugs and barely noticing the way the hot water stung her hands. “I mean, I was there, right? You weren’t exactly vague about your reasoning.”

“Yes, well, I assume Quentin is taking preventative measures,” Rupert answered, pouring tea into one of the washed mugs. “How many cups do we need?”

“Don’t make them tea,” Jenny snapped. Off Rupert’s somewhat wounded look, she sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m just—”

“This changes absolutely nothing, my love,” said Rupert firmly, taking the mug Jenny was washing and placing it in the dishrack. “I have made my stance clear, and I’ve no intention of altering it, regardless of what Travers might have to say.”

“But what about Buffy?”

“Didn’t you give me that whole speech about Buffy making her own decisions?”

“Last time that guy showed up, you left me,” Jenny blurted out. Humiliated, she turned back to the sink, grabbing a mug at random and beginning to haphazardly scrub.

There was a painfully long silence. Then Jenny felt Rupert step up behind her, winding his arms around her stomach. “I am never going to leave you again, Jenny Calendar,” he whispered. “All right? No matter who shows up at our door, the only place I’ll ever be is at your side.”

“I wish that that could just magically make me feel better,” said Jenny, her voice trembling. She tilted her head back, leaning into his chest. “But you were gone all that summer, and seeing him brought so much of that back for me.”

“Well, I’ll be here to hold you till you feel a bit better, how’s that?” Rupert suggested.

That made Jenny smile. “I can buy into that,” she mumbled, closing her eyes.

So Giles and Ms. Calendar were getting a tea tray ready for Creepy Travers and his Watcher Squad, which meant that Buffy got to sit in the same room with said Watcher Squad all by herself. Well, she had Faith, but Faith had spent the first five minutes alternating between glaring at the Watchers indiscriminately and angrily eating a snack bar she’d grabbed from Ms. Calendar’s purse, and then she’d left the main room of the library to clatter around in Giles’s office. Buffy got the sense that Faith wasn’t too big on Watchers since the whole Mrs. Post debacle.

As soon as Faith was in the office, Travers said, “Miss Summers, we came to talk to you and you alone.”

“O-kay,” said Buffy, finding herself wishing that Giles was here. He spoke stuffy academic way better than anyone she knew—mostly because he kinda was one, but it felt like it’d still be helpful right now. “What about?”

“We found it extremely concerning that your Watcher called us expressing your desire to leave the Council,” Travers explained, a small, weirdly cordial smile on his face. It seemed like he was trying to pull off “paternal” but didn’t really know how. “We wished to know whether these are truly your desires, or if Mr. Giles has in some way misled you into believing that abandoning the resources of the Council is a wise choice.”

“Well, I don’t think he’s misled me,” said Buffy, testing the waters. “Unless he was lying when he said you guys were planning to drug me on my birthday and lock me in a room with a crazy vampire.”

The fake-dad expression sort of froze on Travers’s face. “Well,” he said stiffly. “The Cruciamentum is actually why I arrived here to begin with. I wasn’t aware that he divulged its nature to you.”

“Yeah, he mentioned it,” said Buffy, giving Travers a small, tight smile. “And I said that that probably wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in.”

“Indeed,” said Travers. “Well. I am very sorry to hear that Mr. Giles has so absolutely failed in his duties as a Watcher.” There was a new note to his voice now, one that Buffy didn’t like at all. “Steps will have to be taken to make sure that the Council does not make such a drastic mistake again.”

“You’re kinda missing the point,” said Buffy indignantly. “It doesn’t matter whether or not the Council is making a mistake. I quit the Council, remember?”

Travers was looking at Buffy in this weird, assessing way. “Certainly,” he said, then stood, motioning for his Watcher Squad to do the same. “Give Mr. Giles my regards,” he added over his shoulder, “and tell him I apologize for leaving before tea was served.”

As the library doors swung shut, Buffy sat there, a foreboding feeling in the pit of her stomach. She never, never liked it when both her Slayer-senses and her Buffy-senses agreed that something wasn’t right.

“Sho he jush leff?” said Xander with his mouth full.

“I’m sorry?” said Giles, giving Xander an exaggeratedly confused look. Jenny smacked his shoulder.

Xander rolled his eyes, but swallowed, already going in for another bite of his sandwich. “So he just left?” he repeated. “No follow-up conversations, no severance pay, no nothing?”

“Yeah, Giles, no severance pay?” Faith piped up.

Glancing between Giles and the children, Jenny looked suddenly worried, as though the oddness of Travers’s sudden departure had only just occurred to her. Giles knew Travers well, and knew that his leaving so abruptly meant that he was undoubtedly constructing a plan to bring Buffy back into the fold, but bringing this up in front of an uncharacteristically fragile Jenny felt like a needlessly callous thing to do. They could talk things out tomorrow, Giles decided, perhaps without the children there; the events were still fresh and upsetting for her, and he didn’t feel like alleviating her concern. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” he said, and punctuated his statement by pressing a kiss to Jenny’s temple. “Willow, why don’t you tell us about that fundraiser you’re putting together for the robotics team?”

“Really?” Willow blushed. “You wanna hear about that?”

Jenny was giving him a Look, one that very clearly said I know what you’re doing. Giles very pointedly ignored it. “I think we could all do with some lighthearted discussion,” he said.

Willow launched into an explanation of the brownie sale she’d be running next Sunday, and how she was hoping that they could all maybe make brownies for it, and how Xander had better not do that thing he did sophomore year where he ended up eating half the batter by accident. Xander had some exaggerated objections to this statement, and Faith thought they were all very funny, but the look on Jenny’s face lingered until the children had all trooped upstairs to do their homework in Faith’s bedroom.

“You can’t shake this one off,” she said as soon as they were alone. “I don’t like that he left without checking in with you.”

“Jenny—”

“Rupert, if something’s wrong, tell me,” Jenny snapped. “I don’twant you treating me like I’m about to have a full-on emotional breakdown just because Travers is back in town.”

“And I wouldn’t be doing so if I didn’t have good reason to do it!” Giles persisted as gently as he could. “Seeing Travers again, and so unexpectedly, under incredibly similar circumstances to the last time he was here—that’s bound to have an effect on you, and it isn’t helped by you trying to hide it from me!”

“Maybe I don’t wanna talk about what’s going on with me right now!” Jenny shot back. “Okay? Something is going to happen, Rupert, and you shaking my well-founded concerns off in some misguided attempt to protect me isn’t doing either of us any favors!”

“You’re not thinking clearly—”

“You’re brushing me off!”

“Uh, guys?”

Giles and Jenny whirled. Willow, Xander, and Faith were all standing in the doorway, all with worried expressions. “You were getting kinda loud, that’s all,” said Faith uncomfortably. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes—” said Giles.

“No,” said Jenny loudly, and turned, pushing past the kids and hurrying out of the kitchen.

Faith looked genuinely shaken. “She’s not usually like that,” she said unsteadily. “I’ve seen Jen upset, but I’ve never seen her upset like that.”

“She was like that a lot last summer,” said Xander, his eyes fixed almost accusingly on Giles. “Does this have something to do with the Council?”

Giles exhaled. Little as he liked the way it had come about, Jenny had a point about his attempting to sweep genuine danger under the rug. “She’s concerned about Travers leaving so abruptly,” he said. “She thinks he’s planning something. We had something of an argument about the way I was choosing to handle that concept.”

Willow crossed her arms, tilting her head. “Are you gonna leave again?” she asked a little coldly. “Because she’s acting the way she did back while you were gone, and—”

“I’ve told her countless times that I am here to stay,” said Giles miserably.

To his relief, Willow seemed to register the truth in his words. Her face softened. “Well, it kinda seems like she’s not getting the message,” she said. “Maybe you should try telling her again?”

“Perhaps,” said Giles distantly, reaching to adjust his glasses. “Excuse me.”

He squeezed between the children, exiting the kitchen to find the door ajar. It was nearly sunset, and while there weren’t that many vampires in their neighborhood, Giles and Jenny had a mutual agreement that no one went out after school unless it was on patrol or to fight the monster of the week. Wincing a bit—Jenny must have been quite upset to forget that rule—Giles stepped outside, looking around.

There was no one in sight. This struck Giles as odd, especially since Jenny’s car was still in the driveway, and a twinge of worry was added to the guilt. He began to walk down the block, but Jenny was still nowhere to be found. He used the time it took to reach the street corner to contemplate what they’d argued about. She hadn’t been wrong about the Council, he knew, and it was certainly within the realm of possibility that they might use her to get to him. The Council had done a number of somewhat-unethical things under the guise of protecting the Slayer line, all of which Giles had believed completely reasonable at the time, but now…

Rounding the street corner, Giles was met not with Jenny, but with Travers. “What on earth are you doing here?” he said sharply, too concerned about Jenny to care about cordiality. “I was under the impression that you’d left town.”

“Appearances can be misleading, Rupert,” said Travers simply. “I came to question you further about a remark your Slayer made during my conversation with her.”

“Oh?” said Giles, nowhere near dropping his guard.

“She mentioned that you had informed her of the Cruciamentum,” said Travers, leveling Giles with an almost calculating look. “You are aware that this sort of breach in tradition is a firable offense?”

“Very aware,” Giles agreed.

“And you are aware why it is a firable offense?”

This took Giles aback. “I’m sorry?”

“The Cruciamentum allows us to assess the tactical abilities of the Slayer,” Travers explained. “Removing her power, placing her up against a vampire, shows whether or not she is worthy of possessing preternatural strength. A Slayer must be able to win her battles even when at a disadvantage. Only then—”

“Skip the cryptics, Travers,” said Giles shortly, his mind still on Jenny and the children. “What do you want from me?”

“Regardless of whether the Cruciamentum is implemented,” said Travers, “you and I both know that the Slayer must still be tested.” He took a step forward, eyes on a spot behind Giles. “You and your Slayer have formed a bond,” he said. “That much is clear. She spoke of you with a kind of blind loyalty, and I believe it more inhibiting than any drug could be, at least in her case.”

Giles scoffed. “Buffy’s loyalty, her compassion, all of that makes her stronger—”

And that was when something hit him from behind, hard enough to knock off his glasses. His vision blurred from a combination of pain and poor eyesight, Giles staggered back, and found himself in the grip of one of the Council lackeys Travers had brought with him.

“I do apologize, Rupert,” said Travers earnestly, sounding genuinely remorseful. “You’re needed for this portion of the analysis.”

Ok so about hxh I don't dislike the show it's a good show. But the reason I prefer yyh is the set up makes more sense. It makes sense for a place like the demon world to have a fucked up tournament like the black tournament. The stuff that Koenma's dad pulled to fuck over demons given the system and that kind of character. You know what doesn't make sense? Giving known assasins and psychopaths more access and power. In HxH becoming a hunter means you get access to all sorts of locations pt.1

That regular civilians dont have access to and a liscence to kill without getting into trouble and all sorts of other shit. And they give that power to Hisoka who never tries to hide the fact he just likes killing people and randomly killed one of the examiners last time. And Illumi a assasin who freely admits that he wanted the liscence for a job. He says this to the people in charge of the exam. And he still gets his liscence what the fuck. Not to mention his family the secret pt2

oldeck family who the public doesnt know their faces have a house so famous that tour guide point it out while going through the city. Like it might have unbelievable security but why would you risk people knowing? Not that it’s a bad show or I dont enjoy it. I’m not that far into the series. But things like that kinda take out of it. It kinda takes me out of it. Especially when this world isnt like this world of chaos its actually kinda like our world. Or supposed to be Pt.3

Yes, I have to confess the setting didn’t sit right with me, either. I typically enjoy fantasy (in fact it’s my #1 favorite genre, and my preferred to write in, whether that’s high fantasy like LOTR or something like Fullmetal Alchemist, or even modern fantasies like stories about vampires, etc. All of my childhood favorites have fallen into this category… aaaand still do haha)

But the setting always did feel strange to me. I never understood who or what was in control of this Hunter licence, and why they were giving them out to children, or what the point of them even was.

More under the cut. Long analysis of character, slightly more productive than what I wrote yesterday, and some more dissing of HxH (I’m sorry) and its poor management of plot, setting, and character.  Also, from now on, tagging all discussions and comparisons of HxH and YYH as HHD (for hunter hunter discussion) to keep it out of the hxh tag. 

Once again, this is all just my opinion, my personal feelings, and are not meant to grade the merit of the show or insult anyone who enjoyed it!

See, I typically also like “secret clubs.” But I like them being fleshed out. In Mass Effect, we know what a Specter is. They have almost unlimited power, but 1) they answer to a council which can strip them of this power, and 2) they have a clear goal – serving the council and the interest of the council races.

For YYH, we have the same thing. Yusuke has more power than the average human, having the authority to kill and having access to knowledge most humans do not have. But he 1) answers to Koenma, 2) has a clear goal of protecting the innocent from evil demons and other psychic phenomena. 

And that stuff is outlined the MOMENT our protagonists enter the secret club, in clear words, and it doesn’t take, you know, forever… But HxH, I have no idea what the whole Hunter organization even is? I looked it up and turns out I saw the whole 1st season, 31 episodes… and I have no idea what this hunter thing is.

So yes, I totally agree. For comparison, in YYH, we go through a rather good introduction to Spirit World all before episode 5, an intro to what Spirit Detectives are without learning all the details, but enough to understand, by what, episode 8ish? We learn how Spirit World can bend rules with Kurama and Hiei within the first few episodes, too. We learn Spirit World is a bureaucracy, that it has rulers and managers (Enma and Koenma), that it is occupied by mostly two species (ogres and Spirit World citizens, who are like spirits, neither alive nor dead), that they have prisons, that they take interest in human lives and society, that they have the power to revive the dead but that there are clear rules and procedures. We learn Spirit World citizens can inhabit human bodies made specifically for them. We learn Spirit World can unlock human’s innate spiritual awareness. We learn the Spirit Detective job is sorta a new and untested thing (sending a kid to fight 3 demons… Koenma seriously didn’t think the job through yet). We learn Spirit World houses powerful treasures like the 3 artifacts. We learn they have a freakin’ treasure room to start with. We learn you can break into Spirit World and its vaults. We learn that living creatures, even demons, can enter it. We learn spirits and living creatures can interact with each other as if both were on the same plane, tangible and all, while in Spirit World. We learn Spirit World watches and records events of interest in the Human World, sometimes flat out spying on humans like when they watch Keiko being chased or when the little girl (the investigator) stalks Keiko along with Yusuke and Botan. We learn ghosts aren’t allowed to stay forever in the human world. We learn that the spirit and the body have separate energies that converge together. We learn Spirit World uses actual technology, not just magic, like VHS types and pocket watches. We learn Spirit World citizens can live incredibly long lives and look like babies while being a couple hundred years old or more.

^^ See all that? That’s what I know about Spirit World from watching the first EIGHT episodes. Episode 9 Yusuke enters Genkai’s tournament… How insanely concise is that? Episode 8, and we know so much about just one aspect of this world.

Whereas HxH? episode 31… and I still have zero clue what hunters are, what their purpose is, what they can do, who they work for if anyone, what the qualifications for them are (just being able to fight?) We know nothing. 31 episodes!! 

For another comparison, by episode 31, Yusuke is in the Dark Tournament, fighting Chuu. By this point, we had all four main characters go through the first cycle of their character arcs, we were introduced to most of the supporting cast, we had relationships established, we got backstory on some characters, we learned how spirit energy and psychics work more, we saw Yusuke begin his second cycle, we saw the introduction of a major villain… we had a lot. Whereas with HxH, all I remember is the damn big boat in the storm thing.

Speaking of character arcs… I wrote this in a response to something else, but I think it also makes my point here. I am incredibly fascinated with character arcs and character in general, even more than plot or setting or anything else. To me, character is all. So here’s my breakdown of some character growth within the first 8 episodes.

YYH never really feels like it drags, maybe only in those moments I mentioned before. But it had an incredibly strong opening. Excluding Hiei, within the first 7-8 episodes, we have two characters (kurama and Yusuke) go through full character arcs that affect them all the way down the line of the show. The other two join after episode 25, though we also get to see glimpses of character background and some development even earlier (Kuwabara’s sensitive side is shown with the kitty, his devotion to friends, his honor code – all before episode 8 as well, but that’s not really an arc. He doesn’t have one till about the Yukina Rescue arc concludes. Though his is a bit weak, mostly because Kuwabara was… pretty alright to start with? It’s hard to develop when there isn’t many places you can go. And out of all the 4 boys, Kuwabara had the least amount of baggage.)

For Yusuke, we have the theme of “caring/not caring.” Yusuke stars off believing no one loves him and that he’s better off not being in anyone’s life. The wake proves him wrong enough that he makes an effort to come back. Then when he thinks he’s missed his chance by throwing the egg, and sees his friends and family happily talking about him returning, he mourns because he knows he’s not coming back. 180 from “meh, ima stay a ghost it’s better I’m not in their lives.” So, he goes through a complete cycle just in that moment, from I don’t care, to I do care and I’m happy, to I do care and I am sad. Not just a simple arc, from point A to point B, but A to B to C. It’s a very well constructed growth of a character. Full arch, full growth, and that’s why it tugs at the heartstrings. Because the moment he started to care… he thought lost his chance.

That arc he goes through all before episode 5 cycles throughout the show, and makes us care because such a strong arc, such an emotional one, too, grabs the viewer’s heart by the balls and refuses to let go. 

It cycles in the Suzaku fight – he experiences horrible pain to save people, but in order to really motive himself, he must see Keiko in danger. He’s getting there, to the point of caring about humanity, but not quite. Then in the Dark Tournament, the lives of multiple people hang on his victory. But they’re still mostly people he cares about, though now that has extended beyond Keiko into Shizuru, Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei, Yukina, etc., all of those people. He’s getting there, increasing the circle of people he cares for.

It keeps going up, challenging Yusuke to care more. The hospital had Keiko and shizuru in it. But also the new psychics. Then Sensui threatening all of humanity. Then the 3 kings arc threatening all of the realms. Yusuke progressively gives more of a shit about more people with time and new challenges and as he earns more friends.

And all of that is outlined in he first Fucking 4 episodes!! We know what hsi arc is, we know where he is going, we know what sort of character he is, and we get to see him become truly fleshed out in just 4 episodes.

That’s just Yusuke, too. Kurama also has a complete arc within the span of like two or three episodes, and those themes cycle throughout the show. (guilt, suicide and redemption – think Ura Urishima fight, when Kurama projects his want to sacrifice himself for Shiori to make up for his deception, where he tells the guy that suicide has no honor or redemption in it, even though the guy didn’t care for that, his lie was about getting out of having to hurt people without causing harm to his grandmother, not about redeeming himself – family, lies, the better of two evils – to lie to shiori and stay with her so she has a son, or stop lying to her and punish self for stealing her “real son” away)

It’s consistent, mostly concise, cyclical, and oh so fucking satisfying to my literature loving senses….

And then hxh… where apparently nothing of substance happens in the first Twenty Freakin Episodes. I legit cannot tell you about any character growth in that time. Or plot? They take a test. For who knows how long. Uh… kurapika starts to like leorio when before he didn’t? So he gets friendlier?? Maybe?? Killua begins a friendship with gon instead of getting himself that therapist… they play a ball game together. That gets them to like each other so much Gon goes chasing after Killua when he goes missing at the end of the season. Uh…. they are faced with the horror of fighting people they had to cooperate with before I guess. *shrugs* 

If you put a gun against my head, the only character growth or arc I could maybe try to name for the first 30 episodes is that Kurapika started to like Leorio and starts to address him with a bit more respect, cause they worked together, so uh… nope, nope, that’s not an arc in the slightest. Kurapika can simply be a person who doesn’t like others until he gets to know them… So yes, I’d get a bullet in the head.

And the fact that you need to skip the whole beginning of the show to even enjoy it, as @perpetuallyfrowning suggested … I can’t do that. I cannot enjoy any change in Gon if I don’t know where he was before. But I hate where he was before, and we’re stuck with that for so long… Even if you didn’t like Yusuke’s personality at first, you only have to deal with it for a bit because he changes so much so quickly.

So there it is, my rather lazy analysis of the beginning of YYH and HxH, looking at setting and character.

- Mod Lola

S.I.M.P.L.E

A story about Dean having the apple-pie life he’s always wanted. As told by Sam’s perspective. Sometimes. Just roll with it, I wrote this for my own fun. Figured maybe all you lovely people could get a shot at enjoying it too!

Disclaimer. All mistakes are mine. The French-Canadian OFC is mine. The WInchester kids are mine. Dean, Sam and the rest of the SPN cast of characters, unfortunately, are not mine.

I believe @justjensenanddean​ owns one of the pics in the collage. Maybe… It was a while ago. Nicely let me know if I should take it down. Or if this is illegal or something, tumblr is still mildly confusing to me.

Summary.  Sam learns some more about his quirky nephews and beautiful nieces.

Chapter 2: Dean’s Magnificent Family of Seven.

Sam dried off his hair, after his luxuriously long shower, with a towel that smelled vaguely of moss and oranges. It made him wonder if his newly discovered sister-in-law leaves the clothes outside to dry or if she actually uses a soap that is scented like moss and oranges. He did see a washing machine when he passed by the laundry room a little earlier, but he hadn't caught sight of a dryer. Louisa does strike Sam as the slightly more old-school type, so it's very possible that she just doesn't have one. He wonders exactly how old Louisa is, anyway? He's pretty sure that there's no grey in her hair and she was running really fast for a pregnant mother of four. But Sam just can't imagine his big brother to have actually married a woman that much younger than himself. Meh, maybe she simply athletic.

As he cautiously exits the steaming bathroom in the house's spacious and well-lit basement, Sam peeks around the corner to see if any of the kids are hanging about, ready to pounce on him. They aren't shy, that's for sure. He sighs a bit in relief, really, until he sees one of the twins, Robert, he thinks, pad over to him from the den where the two older kids are watching, is that The Magnificent Seven? Oh Dean... Sam crouches down to Robert's level. The boy seems to eye him warily, then leans in to whisper in his ear.

"Pweas, come wi meh. Stasie neeeeds ew!"

Sam nods quickly and lets Robert lead him to a nursery on the other side of the basement, where Anastasie was floating above her crib as she whimpered. Sam gulps. 'Not good.' She turned her head towards Sam and his heart fell into the pit of his stomach. They glowed a very faint blue. The same colour as Michael's... Before Sam could have a nervous breakdown about it though, Robert tugged on his sleeve to pull his ear back down to his level.

"Do't orry bout bue eyeses, aways ave 't. Wo't urtuh. Wan ick up!"

Sam, thankfully caught on to the fact that the kid said she won't hurt him and that she wants to be picked up. As soon as Sam grabbed her, her eyes turned a normal dark brown and her weight dropped into Sam's arms. He heard Robert say 'Tank ew.' and 'Come wi meh.' right before he was left alone with his thoughts in the forest green nursery.

What the hell! Don't be what I think you are!

He went and sat with the kids as they watched The Magnificent Seven, trying to figure out how he was gonna bring this up with Dean, when Marie plopped down beside him and said "Uncle Sammy we need to talk."

"Um, okay. What about Marie?" "What you just saw in the nursery. See, Mama was three months pregnant with Anastasie when Dad got possessed by the bad angel." "Archangel, you nimrod!" John-Henry interrupted from his spot under the hand carved coffee-table where he appeared to be searching for something. "Shut up dirt-bag! Anyway, Mama didn't know about the possession and when Dad sho..." "Or who she thought was Dad!" "I said shut it! Showed up Mommy was a bit confused, but sometimes Daddy acts a bit strange anyways. We were all asleep and didn't see him that night. But the next morning when I woke up Mama was in the kitchen crying and Dad was gone. Seems when Mama and Daddy got "reacquainted" the night before Mommy found out about the angel and how he'd given some weird power glow stick stuff to Anastasie." "It's called 'grace' idiot! And it's still archangel..."

Marie stuck her tongue out at him for that. Sam's head is reeling with information now. Between the fact that, apparently, archangels can turn already conceived children into partial nephilim and the fact that Marie used air-quotes and a metaphor for sex at the age of seven, Sam just didn't know what to think.

"Where are your Mommy and " he swallowed, "Dad?" Sam had never had to call Dean a dad. The word suddenly felt foreign on his tongue.

John-Henry shrugs as he lowers the volume on the movie using the remote he'd been looking for. "Getting reacquainted. Usually takes them twenty or so minutes. Unless Dad's been gone a while, then it can take an hour. That's when Marie and me watch a movie."

I shouldn't have asked...

"And Robert? Doesn't he watch the movie too?" " Robbie likes to sleep instead. Or play with the pool balls on the billiards table behind you." Marie answered.

Course there's a pool table. Did I really expect any less? Next up will be a trampoline and a gun range! Jeez!

"Mama's calling! Time for dinner!" "Yippee!" " You coming, Uncle Sammy?"

Sam must have really been out of it. He hadn't heard Louisa calling at all.

"Yeah, I'm right behind you sweetie..."

The whole family somehow settled down and sat at the heavyset, oblong, wooden table in the kitchen. Which was quite cute, in Sam's opinion. Yellow walls with dark blue trimmings and dark pine cabinets that had deer antlers for handles. Bit clashy maybe. But cute. Bright. It looked like a fairy tale cottage had a baby with a hunter's cabin, to be exact. Sam's attention was caught, again by Marie, when she made a comment about hoping that her Dad hadn't put another twin inside her Mommy like he did for the boys. Louisa snorted her juice out her nose, she was laughing so hard. "Honey," she said after, " I'm not sure that can happen twice to the same mama, so I think you're okay for now."

When Sam gave Dean the dude-what-is-she-saying face, Dean rolled his eyes and took a deep breathe before answering.

"Well apparently, some ladies can get pregnant after they're already, you know, pregnant. John-Henry and Robert were born at the same time, but not, uh, made at the same time. It's why Robert is so much smaller than John-Henry and has a bit of trouble pronouncing. He was on oxygen or some crap like that for a few weeks after he was born because he was technically two and a half months premature. But Johnny here was good to go within a day."

"Lord I hated that labour! Everyone buzzing around like headless goats and moaning on and on about how the babies mightn't make it! I ended up throwing everyone except Dean out of the room before the doctor forced himself back in. Which took just long enough for Robert to be born, then Doctor Ominous insisted on delivering John-Henry. I swore to never darken the door of a maternity ward again afterwards and so far haven't broken that oath, either!" Louisa smiled at Dean. "Lucky for me, I have a husband who is more than willing to stay home with me and bring these little ones into the world."

Louisa fondly kissed Dean at that, the kids giggling in the background as they did. Unfortunately, Louisa leaning over gave Sam the full view of her neck which exposed a blooming hickey. Sam shuddered.

"So, Dean was the one who helped with both of the girls?"

Sam both hoped and dreaded that the flippant question would pull a reaction from either Louisa or Dean which would inform Sam about the whole Micheal-gave -my-baby-sister-voodoo-powers thing. He wasn't disappointed. Dean's face immediately fell and Louisa bit her lips, responding " Technically, Michael delivered Anastasie. But now is not a good time to talk about that."

Supper was served by Louisa. A chili con carni made with beef chunks as well as hamburger. It also had sweet corn and some sort of white corn, possibly native corn, in it. Sam had to admit, for the amount of unhealthy cholesterol in this ungodly meat mix, the chili tasted divine. No wonder Dean was slowly but steadily gaining weight in the last eight years. Not that the diner food helped any either. Sometime in between Marie and John-Henry fighting over Lord knows what and Anastasie puking up half of her steak and peas mush all over Louisa's t-shirt, Robert, who was having a lot of trouble finishing his meal, grabbed his plate and silently slid into Dean's lap. That's when Sam noticed Dean's smile return, after the unwanted attention brought on about Michael. Robert settled in and tightly clung to Dean's waist. Dean wordlessly began to spoon feed him, eating his own chili in between hesitantly taken bites from Robbie. Robert never made a sound...

Sam began to wonder if the boy was naturally clingy or if his silent demeanor and slight anti-sociability was an indication to something else, due to being premature.

Supper ended on a anti-climactic note, in all honesty. Louisa carted Anastasie off to be washed, given gripe water to settle her stomach and set to play in the living room/study beside the kitchen. Marie and JH ran outside, having barely washed their hands forehand, and paying no mind to Dean yelling at them to stay in the yard or so help him. Sam sat back, drinking some unlabelled beer Dean had pulled out of the fridge. He chuckled under his breath at the sight of Robert with his shaggy head tucked beneath Dean's chin. Dean is humming Old Cotton Fields by CCR.

"Dean?" "Hmm?" "When did you and Louisa get married? You are married aren't you?" "Yeah, got married back in 2011, on Louisa's 20th birthday, June 10th. Most of her family refused to come cause she was marrying some no name pool stick slinging drunkard who drove a muscle car and was a little too handy with a shotgun for her mom's liking." Dean's pensive for a moment. "You know, in the end, only her dad and her oldest sister with her family attended. And two of her friends from college, they were the bridesmaids. Got married in a little Catholic church up in North Dakota, where Louisa's from. Legally, we're not really married, since the government thinks I'm dead. Louisa just changed her name." He huffs." Said my name was sexier than hers. Anyways, the priest was so old, he agreed to bless our wedding without the permission of the bishop. Or a marriage licence."

That answers my question about Louisa's age then...

Sam smiles at the thought of his brother, standing at the altar, watching as his bride marches radiantly down the aisle.

"So, her family hated you." Sam laughed "Who would've guessed that?"

Dean chuckled at Sam's sarcasm.

"Bitch." "Jerk."

"I wish I'd been there with you." Dean visibly tightens his hold on Robert, who had fallen asleep a while ago, drool pooling on Dean's t-shirt. "I wish you'd been there too, Sammy..."

Louisa steps back in at this point. She ushers Sam and Dean, still holding his sleeping child, into the living room. Louisa snuggles into Dean's side on the relic couch from the 60's. Sam lounges quite comfortably on the green plaid, cotton upholstered recliner nearby.

Not a word was said for the rest of the evening.

Send me an ask if you’d like to be tagged!

Darkness Prevails chapter 8

Hiya. So I know I took a long time to write this, don’t hurt me please! I was so busy with the prompts I was getting, so I got distracted. Honestly, I feel this chapter is just filler, but it could also be a nice finish? I can’t decide. Should I keep going with this? 

All eyes were set on the older woman, who by all terms considered, was the devil. Archie and Veronica knew it. Betty knew it very well. And Jughead had only heard stories, but never had the personal experiences to back up his knowledge.

Now he wished it was all hypothetically irrational fears of meeting his girlfriends mom.

“Mom? What are you doing here?” Betty’s voice brought him back to reality, though it wasn’t a pleasant one. She had quickly pried herself from his arms, putting a whopping 5 feet between them. Tugging his jacket closer, he just watched.

“What am I doing here?! You were in the hospital Elizabeth! Did you think they wouldn’t call me?” Alice’s voice echoed off the bare walls of the waiting room, piercing Jugheads ear drums. “Last time I checked, I am your mother!”

Scoffing, Betty just shook her head. “And last time I checked, mother, you only cared about what others thought about you!” She took a step forward, fingers curling inward. Jughead itched to reach out, engulf her hand and soothe her worries, but this was a battle she needed to fight alone. “And I’m 18 mom. I’m practically an adult. They shouldn’t have called you.” Betty turned to Archie and Veronica, nodding her thanks and hugging them once more.

Then she turned to Jughead, eyes dark with anger. “We’re leaving.” She grabbed his hand, dragging him out.

“BETTY!” Her mother called after them, voice hard and loud.

They stalked out of the hospital, Jughead just falling into step beside her. She was still holding his hand, so he twisted it slightly to link their fingers more comfortably. She looked down, then up at him. He just smiled in response.

They didn’t say anything as they made their way to the trailer, a new home for Betty. Once inside, she slumped on the old sofa and hung her head in her hands, sighing.

“Why did they call her? Now she’s going to think I tried to kill myself..” Her voice was so full of desperation, it hurt Jugheads heart.

“Technically, you did try. I saved you.” He looked up, head high with pride. She let out a breathy laugh, opening her arms for him to come sit beside her. He sat down tentatively, removing his jacket beforehand, and smiled as Betty laid her head in his lap. He idly played her with hair, combing it with his fingers every now and then.

Within the hour Betty was asleep, sighing contently in his lap. He watched her for awhile, admiring her beauty. The honey golden hair always pulled back in a high ponytail above her head, the green eyes so full of life and love, and pink lips he was lucky enough to kiss everyday. His eyes traced down her jawline, over her neck and shoulders, falling short on her chest.

Her breathing was uneven, chest rising and falling rapidly. Panic rose within him, mind going crazy thinking of ways to calm her down without waking her. Small whimpers escape her lips as she twists and turns under him, the surefire signs of a nightmare.

Shaking her shoulder gently, he leaned down and pressed his lips to her temple. She sits up abruptly, bonking her forehead into Jughead’s.

“Ow.” She was rubbing the affected spot, frowning.

“Yeah, ow.” Jughead says, teasingly. He poked her side, smiling. “You ok? It looked like you were having a nightmare.” His hand was caressing her face, watching her carefully.

She bit her lip hard, looking down. “I just don’t know what to do. About my mom.”

Jughead gently rubbed her lower lip, frowning. “You’re not alone in this, ok? I’ll do anything I can to help you through this. And if she decides to kick you out? So what. You can live with me in this manor of kinkiness.” He wiggled his eyebrows, eliciting a giggle from her lips. Smiling at his conquer, he puffed his chest out slightly. She smiled at him, nodding.

“So how about, we go tomorrow, after you get some more much needed rest, and talk to your mom?” He asked, wrapping his arms around her once more. He was rubbing small circles on her arm, sending tingles around her body.

“She probably doesn’t like you.” Betty’s word were blatant, no room for argument. Jughead just sighed into her hair.

“Then you can talk to her alone, ok? I can sit outside and wait till you’re done.” She turned to look up at his face, him smiling down at her. “Even if it takes all night, I will be there. I promise.” Placing a kiss on her forehead, she smiles back at him, snuggling closer.

Hours later, after more than enough sleep and a splurge of junkfood from Pop’s, Betty and Jughead stood outside the Cooper house, undecided about entering the stronghold. Betty was staring at the building, analyzing the features intently. Everything looked the same, but inside was much different no doubt. Inside the belly of the beast was her wicked witch of the North mother, clad in green and cackling up a storm at Betty’s situation. She let out a sigh, frowning slightly. Her anxiety was rising the longer she stood here, her fingers began to itch.

Jughead was watching Betty, concern for her well being overlooking any and all nerves he had of meeting her mom, not only as her former friend, but current boyfriend. He was taking in the emotions written on her face, the small frown on her pink lips, the slight crease between her brows. He wanted to soothe her internal issues, help smooth out the bumps, but this bump was something she had to deal with one her own. Jughead knew that, and he respected how strong she was for doing this so soon. Had it been him and his dad, he’d be hiding in some beat up old drive in for months before stepping foot in FP’s house.

Slight movement caught his eye as he noticed Betty’s fingers curling inward, poised for pain. He reached out tentatively, breaking her concentration on the house ahead. Looking at him confused, he just brought her hand up to his lips, laying a long, delicate kiss on the back of it. She smiled at him, and leaned in to kiss his forehead.

“How cute. You brought the snake too.”

Betty stopped in her tracks, blood rushing from her face instantly. She pulled from his grasp, setting a healthy few inches between them, as she looked up at her mother.

The older woman stood tall, poised and mature, at the top of the steps to the Cooper residence. A seemingly cheerful and normal background for such a wicked woman. Alice raised her eyebrow, daring Betty to disagree with her statement, to break the stalemate, to apologize and coming running home. But Betty just watched, waiting. A delicate game of chess, push and pull of dominance.

Finally, Betty sighed. “Mom, this is Jughead Jones. My friend.” Jughead’s chest ached painfully at the title, trying to keep his face impassive. Alice just stared.

“Friends have a much different meaning nowadays than when I was your age, that’s for sure.” Alice said pointedly, crossing her arms. “Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to come inside? This is still your home, right?” It wasn’t really a question, but Betty nodded anyway. Shooting a look at Jughead, he just nodded, jutting his thumb to the curb.

“I’ll be waiting.” She smiled gratefully, guilt coursing through her from the lack of telling the truth. She hastily approached the steps, looking over her shoulder once more, watching Jughead look down and sit in the grass. Sighing, she made her way into the house, looking around.

“Where’s Polly and Dad?” She couldn’t help but ask, but the way her mothers face twisted in pain made it evident she didn’t want to delve into details. So she bit her tongue, and sat down on the couch. “So uh, where sho-”

“Look, I’m only going to say this once Elizabeth. You need to come home. And you need to stop talking to that boy.” Alice nodded her head towards the front door, signaling the boy sitting in the grass outdoors. She made a face, sipping her tea. “You shouldn’t associate yourself with those of the Southside.” Her tone was dipped with so much venom, Betty could taste it in the air.

Scoffing, Betty clenched her fists, knuckles turning white. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

Alice looked surprised, mouth dropping open at Betty’s words. “I can and you will listen. I am your mother!”

Betty let out a beathy laugh, standing. “You may be my mother, but that doesn’t mean you can control my life to be the one you wished you lived!” Her mother gaped, taken aback, but quickly recovered.

“If you don’t want to abide by my rules, you can’t live under my roof!”

Hot tears spilled down Betty’s cheeks. “I’ll gladly take living somewhere else than with you.” She spat out, gritting her teeth.

“Is that so? And who’s gonna want you huh? You’re depressed, you can’t even keep yourself sane for more than a day!” Alice threw a small bottle at Betty. She caught it easily, looking down at the meds she left here. “You forgot your pills.” Her mother stalked off, leaving Betty to stare at the bottle, shame filling her core. Hanging her head, she trudged upstairs, packed a few more clothes, and head back outside.

Slamming the front door on her way out, she let anger become more prominent. Leaping down the steps, she didn’t wait for Jughead to catch up, she just took off in the direction of Sweetwater River, her safe spot in the chaos. She barely registered Jughead coming to walk beside her, just welcomed the comforting presence in peace.

They walked for an hour, no words spoken, no meaningful conversations, or heartbreaking reveals. He respected her need for quiet, for a calm before the storm. She respected his desire to keep her safe, sane, alive.

Alive.

Was she heading to the river to do what brought them together again in the first place?

She didn’t know.

As they neared the riverbed, the location of her worst night ever, she huffed out an exaggerated sigh, watching Jughead carefully. He was looking around, avoiding her eye contact, no doubt thinking she still didn’t want to talk. Silently, she stepped forward. Placing a hand on his cheek, she turned his face towards hers, laughing outright at his stubbornness to abide.

“Are you mad at me?” She asked, smile on her lips. He glanced at her sideways, a hurt expression on his face. Her smile dropped. “I’m sorr-”

His lips captured hers, cutting her words short.

She closed her eyes, leaning into the kiss. His arm wrapped around her back, pulling her close, the other on her face, rubbing away the tears she didn’t realize were falling. They stayed like this for what awhile, only pulling apart for deep breaths. Finally pulling apart, Jughead lay his forehead on hers, eyes closed, chest rising and falling quickly. He bit his lip, no doubt wanting to ask her something. She just nodded, pulling away and sitting down.

He sat in front of her, crossing his legs gracefully. “What happened?”

“Too much.” She just shook her head, sighing. “Think your dad would mind if I crashed with you guys for a while?” She pointed to her bag, then back at Jughead sheepishly.

He just smiled. “Nah he won’t mind. In fact, I think my dad’ll love you. Like I do.”

She looked up at him, dumbfound. She opened her mouth to say something, anything. But he just laughed at her flustered face, kissing her nose lightly.

“I love you. Betty Cooper.”

She smiled once more, leaning in to capture his lips.

“Jughead Jones. I love you.”

draft #2

February 6, 2018

Literary Narrative 

    Now this is a story, all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there i’ll tell you how I transformed into the person I am today. (WS gif) There is this saying,”work hard party harder,” and it was my motto freshman year of college. Being exposed to the new college life was a thrilling experience for me. I was amused with the raging frat parties and new experiences the dorm life brought I got through fall and winter quarter successfully,but by spring I was exhausted. I would go back home to southern California to visit my sick dad who had poor heart health. I became extremely homesick and just wanted to be in southern California. Partying became a huge distraction for me. Gradually, I found myself neglecting my school work, and not caring about why I decided to move 400+ miles away from home, for my EDUCATION. My priorities were lost in all of the hype and stress of college life and I failed to realized at the time I was using the party scene as a coping method for my hectic life. This carefree mindset lead me down a destructive path. Losing focus of my goals and not caring brought a lot of problems in the end. I ended up being dismissed from my dream school, after putting in tons of  hard work and dedication to get there. It was disgruntled by the upsetting event, but knew I’d have to persevere.  Through this intense learning process, I found that being goal oriented with a positive and determined mindset about life, you can do vanquish anything. You must push yourself to your limits and pursue to overcome all obstacles, to be gifted with a brighter future. As I headed back to Oxnard, CA for summer after freshman year, I left school and all of my stress in Davis. I embraced the stress-free feeling, and saw it became the most destructive summer yet. I will be honest, summer 2017 exaggerated the toxic behavior I had already accumulated from being away at college. I constantly partied  and was being mischievous. I remember receiving a call from a lady named Maisha,  warning me that I would be on Academic Probation for the upcoming fall quarter due to my poor performance during spring. I was extremely worried after hanging up and was eager to change my career goal. I can’t lie, my interest in food science was never a passion. It sounded cool at first and I took a food chemistry class in highschool that sparked my enthusiasm initially. I didn’t know what I really wanted from this career, but went with it anyway. Reflecting on my freshman year experiences, I realized I was not good at hard sciences. They were extremely difficult in college compared to high school, and knew if I wanted to stay at UCD I would need to make changes.  I knew I’ve always wanted to help others, growing up. As I searched for a new major, I was certain I would stay in the Agriculture industry, giving my previous background. I’ve loved the kitchen since i was a young child, baking and watching my father cook on occasions sparked my earliest interests in food. Moving into high school, I joined the Culinary Arts Academy, where I evolved my basic knowledge to professional skills. I was even able to win a baking competition and was on the front page of the local newspaper. I brainstormed ideas of what could be a new possibility and stumbled upon International Agricultural Development (IAD). I fell in love with the core concepts of the major and was eager to explore more, once I returned in the fall. I moved into my first apartment at the end of summer and also started a new job at the beginning of fall quarter at the Student Community Center as an Event Staff. This was the first time I was expected to pay rent and other bills on my own. It was a huge adjustment from having a job in highschool than in college. I had to manage a full course load plus work under the pressures of my fall quarter contract. I was stressed out, but I had faithfully left the destructive party scene after returning fall quarter. My mind and focus was on working, then school. I needed to get hours in order to stay in my apartment. Money was scarce and my family is not in the position to help me financially. They help when they can, but I can’t rely on them for much. I was drained from school and working constantly. I had started working out as a new stress reliever, replacing  my ridiculous partying habits. I found to love the gym and the feeling it gave me. I have always been overweight since I was a child, so working out helped me gain confidence in myself. As my self esteem rose, I found myself becoming more motivated and feeling better mentally. My new regimen of working out and eating better was working! I started losing weight and could see the beginning of a new me. I was doing my best in school, but was still struggling with coursework. It felt like I had a huge weight on my shoulder, and didn’t have time to breathe. It came to end of fall quarter and I knew at the end I had lost all momentum. I gave my “best” work, though now I believe I could have done better. I received my grades one by one over winter break and was disappointed. I had missed my contract agreement of a 2.0 GPA by -.03, and received a 1.97.I was uncertain about my future at Davis at that point, but tried to stay optimistic going into winter quarter. I was anxious once I received an email saying I needed to meet with a dean about my contract. I was terrified at that point, but knew I couldn’t avoid the situation. I set up my appointment and hoped for the best. I went into Mrak Hall hopeful, but prepared for the worst. I didn’t know being dismissed would feel much worse than what I had initially prepared myself for. Hearing I was dismissed from dean Joe Lee, was a heart aching experience I’ll never forget. That exact moment broke me, but also gave me the opportunity to build a new sense of self. I was more than devastated after the meeting. I could barely talk without bursting into tears, my head was spinning and I felt like my life was over. I was mad at the world, and was certain I’d be heading home. At the time, I was full of rage and said I would never return to Davis. I called my best friend since 6th grade to confide in her. She brought me comfort and said she would support any decision I made. I appreciated her words, but still felt lost. I then called my dad. I struggled to even get the words out of my mouth, I did not want to disappoint him. He could hardly understand me, but knew something was wrong. I was able to get the words out after crying for a few minutes on the phone to him. He ensured me that I would be okay, and wasn’t upset at me. He did not agree with my desire to go home after being dismissed. He suggested that I stay in Davis, and do what I had to in order to eventually graduate from UCD. He always pushed me to do better than yesterday and made me feel confident in my abilities.  I didn’t agree with him at the time, but kept it in mind. The next day or two I was severely depressed. I couldn’t bare to get out of bed or even talk to others. I felt extremely disappointed in myself and didn’t have a plan B. I knew being moppy and depressed would only escalate my current situation, so I found the strength within to make a plan for myself. Talking with Joe, he mentioned steps I would need to take to return, so I followed up with these plans. I went to meet with the IAD adviser, and set up arrangements to attend Woodland Community College (WCC). I enrolled at WCC for the spring semester to fulfill my requirements of my contract to return to UCD. I was still very upset about the ordeal but knew I had to push myself to get through this rough time. I adapted new study habits at WCC and grew to enjoy school again. I adopted the library as a new second home. I spent times between and before classes there, studying or doing homework. I also became more organized by setting self deadlines, utilizing a planner religiously and extracting all distractions (ie: my phone) during classes. These strategies helped me become more focused and through with my studies. My confidence in the classroom grew as I soared through class work and was at the top of the majority of my classes. It was rewarding and pleasing to see myself accel again. I knew I could use my new study skills at UCD to ensure I’d never be in the same situation again. At the end of Spring semester I received a 3.8 GPA. I was ecstatic and proud of my accomplishments! I was eager to return to Davis and practice all of my new skills and lifestyle choices. During the summer, I found out due to my financial state, I would not be starting in the fall. I decided to take on an additional job to save for my debt. I worked from June-December constantly. I hardly took breaks from my jobs and stayed in Davis, even though it was summer time. I felt good at this point in time. I had overcome one of the hardest struggles I’ve ever had to face, hours away from those who comforted me the most. I did exceptionally well during my academic leave from Davis at WCC, and was confident I’d return with vengeance. Physically, I had never felt better about myself. I had lost about 50 lbs and saw a new and improved self. My physical transformation correlated with my mental progression. I have become stronger, empowered and diligent, not only academically but also with myself. As I thought I’d been clear from another tragedy in 2017,  I was wrong. I found out after working all day, on November 17, that my dad had passed away from heart failure. I was in disbelief and a wreck after hearing the news. Like mentioned earlier, I had been dealing with my dads poor health for some years by now and it was unclear how long he had. Some days he would be feeling like a new man, and others he’d wind up in the hospital for days. It was a bumpy road, and my dad knew this. He had “the talk” with me a few months prior to his death. It wasn’t about the birds and the bee’s, but what I should expect when he’s gone. It was a difficult conversation to have with someone I wanted to stay around forever. His supportive words then, help me to this day to cope with my loss of him. He stated he wanted me to get back into UCD and graduate. He encouraged me that I could get through anything if I set my mind to it. Hes reassured my strength and admirable leadership skills that can take me as far as I allow. At the time, I didn’t take these words to heart, but now everyday they recollect in my mind. I miss him like crazy and only want to make him proud. I was never able to tell him I was starting school at UCD again, but hope he’s watching me from above. (This is a working analysis, due to it only being 2 months but I plan to work incorporate any progression that occurs from now- final) As I anticipated the start of Winter quarter, I was still trying to cope with my dad’s death and embrace for my even more hectic life. I currently am taking 16 units, with 3 part time jobs. I still work at the SCC on campus. I have stayed persistent and was promoted to Student Manager recently, deliver pizza for Cenario’s and began my newest job at KFC as a crew member in January. My life right now is intense, I hardly sleep and am always busy with work or school. Though my life is hectic, I have been utilizing my adopted skill sets. They’ve improved my time management skills, study skills and have helped me cope with my dad’s death. Staying active at the gym has relieved a lot of stress I’ve been feeling. I continue to stay on top of my schedule and priorities to keep a peace of mind and not get behind, which adds more stress and anxiety on me. Working three jobs and taking 16 units on the quarter system is a lot on my plate, but i’m managing well. Comparing myself from then to now, I would have never been able to feel this confident with this busy of a schedule. I commend myself for my strength and diligence in 2018. I know if I continue on this new and improved pathway of life, I will succeed. Analyzing a year ago to now, I am a new and improved woman. My newest motto to live by is “hard work pays off,” I can say that 2017 was a year that completely broke me down. In the midst of my breakdown, I found it in me to recover in the process. Being in a financial hole, kicked out of school and having the death of my dad throughout a span of a year was crazy, and I am still dealing with the after effects. I felt like the bad news would never end, but kept a positive outlook and continued to stay focused on my goals. Staying organized while utilizing positive coping methods have changed my life for the better. I push myself everyday to be a better me today, than yesterday. I can not control what life hits me with, but I can control how I handle the situation. I have made tremendous progress in the past year, and am confident in my future endeavors.