#legit went so fucking long without it being a constant in my life
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can I just say how much I miss not having anxiety all the time
#legit went so fucking long without it being a constant in my life#and im so miserable almost all the time#(now at least)#fortunately have an appointment w my psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully we'll be able to discuss options#im hoping meds but maybe not?#also seeing my therapist this week so will def talk to her too#and like i know why its so strong tonight like im going back to work for the first time in about a week tomorrow and#we just hosted a few of my mom's spouse's friends for almost 2 whole weeks so lots of change#but i just miss not feeling ill or like im gonna cry all the time#queva irl#if you read all my tags n shit thanks for listening <3 i love all yall
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For a while, I was kind of envious of my peers. It just feels like everyone else is getting it "figured out" faster than me. They have long term partners they plan on marrying, or have already married. They either already have or are thinking about having kids. They live on their own and started a career. Many of them are also already done with school, or have something they're doing for a living without a need for college.
But... I'm only in my mid-twenties. Seriously. We're all only in our early to mid twenties (like, 22-24). And some of these people have already decided to settle down and have kids???
I mean, it just hit me at work yesterday that there's so much I'm able to do right now because I DON'T have a long term partner or a child to take care of. In fact, I am chronically single. Never been kissed. Had one long distance relationship (with a little bit of in person time) that was toxic and, tbh, didn't even feel legit. And the whole thing left me feeling depressed and bitter because I'd become convinced that maybe I'm just not the kind of person who finds a loving partner.
But honestly? While I was dating, I just remember getting a lot of shit for still going for my bachelor's. Feeling bad that I didn't make a lot of money at my job (so pretty much being limited with what I could do at the time and what I could contribute). Being made to feel like my ambitions in life were "too much" and were just not going to work for the relationship. It felt like the only way I could make things work was if I buckled down, got my education over with ASAP, worked a "real" job and had kids.
And yeah, it just felt like compromise after compromise. And also, finding ways to "mute" who I am as a person to make things easier. It got to the point where even certain hobbies and interests of mine were becoming "too much." Constant arguments too. And being policed on when and how I could talk. I got so sick of it and just left one day.
People have told me that this isn't normal. That if I just found the right person (TM), they would treat me so much better. But... what I went through does actually seem to be very common. I'm well aware that decent people exist. I've had healthy friendships and all. But what if some of us just don't find the right person?
And also, I still don't think that I'm relationship material anyway. I don't really want to "settle down." I think it's cool that I currently have the ability to just work/go to school in another country without feeling like I'm leaving someone else behind, or having to talk about it with them, or having to work on getting them to come with me, or straight up just not being able to do it. And, if I have time off from work and school, way more time for myself and my interests. More freedom to eat whatever the fuck I want. MY OWN BED.
Yeah, maybe living life the "normal" way is a bit overrated. I'll admit, there's probably always going to be a part of me that wishes I had a companion, but not nearly as much as I used to. Other things in life just sound far more appealing at this point. The only down side to this seems to be that everyone else is so preoccupied with their relationship and starting a family that it's kind of left me feeling a bit lonely. I almost have to wonder if I thought a relationship was the only way to deal with this.
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Tim Drake x GN!Reader in:
Aching Stomachs and Full Hearts
12 Days of Batmas || Day 6—Baking Cookies
MINORS/AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT
|| 18+ ONLY ||
↞ previous: live petty or die hard || ugly sweaters
|| ao3 version | 12 days m.list | batboys tag | main blog ||
|| dames day 6 | dick day 6 | jay day 6 ||
“…One day I shall make better life decisions, ‘but it is not this day’.”
He may be prone to making questionable life decisions, but loving you is certainly not one of them…
↠ Requested By: Not a soul lol
↠ Reader Gender: Neutral
↠ Content Type: SFW fluff ((but my blog’s 18+ if minors want to consume my sfw stuff while still respecting my wishes of them staying out of this space, they can head over to my AO3))
↠ CWs: None.
↠ Betas? Nah, we don’t do that here.
↠ Total WC: 1.8k~
Headcanon || WC: 1.1k~
🌟 Cooking of any sort and Tim… don’t exactly jive.
It’s not necessarily that he’s bad at it per say, just that he doesn’t really have the time to engage in it at a level beyond the basic. And honestly he never really had to.
For a long time there was always somebody else there to cook for him, and once he was on his own he became rather well acquainted with the delivery people that worked in his area—like to the point where he actually consider inviting some of them to his wedding, they’ve seen just that much of each other lmao.
But Alfred’s never been one to let any of his chicks leave the nest without learning the basics, so Tim can actually keep himself fed if need be. He just… doesn’t see the need. Not when Grubhub is a thing that exists.
🌟 Once you come along, however, he starts to get in the kitchen a bit more.
He’s often heard it said that the way to the heart is through the stomach, and while he doesn’t think that’s all the way true there’s definitely something to it. Has to be, given how hard it hit him the first time you treated him to a home cooked meal.
Ngl—you had him all the way fucked up with that one like…
Time is a commodity, yeah? One you cannot readily obtain more of, so for you to devote some of yours to making sure he was well fed—and then you actually went through the trouble of legit making the food when you could have just as easily ordered something?? Like…
Talk about an instant emotional K.O.
🌟 He knows his friends and family care for him, but a lot of the time it feels like they’re just getting at him out of habit more than anything.
He’s well aware of the fact that he has a less than stellar track record when it comes to self-care—he doesn’t need to be constantly reminded of that, no matter the motivation behind the chiding.
And then there are the constant jokes at his expense,
I.e: “Tim would marry a whole ass Starbucks if he could”, coffee for blood, goblincore posterchild, etc.
And again, he knows it isn’t meant to be malicious—most of the time—but honestly there’s only so many times you can laugh that shit off, ya know?
On top of that it can sometimes feel like they only reason they want to keep him functional is for his skillset and little else.
It’s like they only pay attention when they need him for his mind or when he’s fucking up. Again, he knows that isn’t true, but dammit if it doesn’t feel that way sometimes.
🌟 But with you it just hits different because he knows that your motivations are coming purely from a place of concern.
You don’t see the vigilante or the genius or the CEO—you just see him, Timothy Jackson Drake, and fuck if that doesn’t have him shook.
Tbh he isn’t entirely sure what to do with that (or you, for that matter) a good chunk of the time, like… he isn’t exactly used to being perceived.
Out of all his siblings he’s definitely the most understated, and he honestly likes it that way; he’s fine with who and what he is, even if it does leave him slipping through the cracks more often than not. But for you to see him so readily…
Yeah, he really, really doesn’t know how to deal with that, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t love you for it.
🌟 But we are so damn off topic now—what was the prompt again?
🌟 Right, baking.
🌟 Looping back a bit, he tries to return the favor by cooking for you whenever he can. As you can probably imagine this doesn’t happen too often given all he has to do, but he will surprise you from time to time with lunch or dinner.
Please note that I didn’t say ‘breakfast’ and that’s for a damn good reason.
Don’t ask me why or how, but this man cannot for the life of him make breakfast foods.
His eggs either come out weirdly hard or undercooked, his pancakes are always hella flat, and I wouldn’t trust eating any bacon he makes as it’s either burnt Dabi style or half raw—there is no in between.
He’s weirdly good at making pizza tho—not that that’s a (traditional) breakfast food, I’m just throwing it out there lol.
Anyway, this is probably because pizza’s a relatively easy dish to prepare and also a favorite, thus giving him more of an incentive to perfect it, but I digress.
🌟 While he is a competent enough cook, when it comes to baking things get a bit shaky.
Simple things like cookies and brownies are fine enough, but anything with more steps and-or an involved process is a no-go. He just doesn’t have the required combination of want, concentration, and skill needed to make stuff like that.
But he can definitely handle a batch or two of cookies, so if you wanna get your holiday baking on he’ll be happy to help.
🌟 Much like his big brother he loves sugar for the sake of sugar so he honestly isn’t too picky when it comes to flavors.
Peppermint, chocolate, honey, various nuts—it’s literally all good.
Okay, so I take it back, he really likes cookies with nuts and dried fruits. Fruitcake cookies are delicious and he doesn’t care what anyone has to say about it.
Also pistachio biscotti and hazelnut too, gotta love that crunch. These two are a year-round thing for him as they pair excellently with coffee.
🌟 If he just had to choose a favorite cookie to make it’d probably be meringues just because they’re easy lol.
Just whip up the egg whites, add in a bit of sugar and whatever you’re gonna use for flavor and coloring, slap it in a bag and that’s like 99% of the work done.
Plus no real decorations are required! If you want a cool shape just use a cool piping tip. Wanna get a bit fancy? Add a dusting of powdered sugar or cocoa or a drizzle of royal icing or melted chocolate and you’re good.
By his estimation the less time you spend on the cookies the more time you have to eat them, with each other, on the sofa while you finally finish up that show you’ve been trying to watch for ages.
Sure, anything he does with you is gonna be a good time, but he’d be lying if he said he wouldn’t prefer to spend said time doing something that doesn’t require use of an oven lol…
Aching Stomachs and Full Hearts || WC: 700~
“Do you think I’d get sick if I ate this straight from the bowl?”
You look up from the cookies that you’d been fastidiously piping on to the parchment lined tray with a furrowed brow, seriously considering the question. For his part Tim’s expression is about the same as he regards the red streaked fluff that you’ve yet to bag up. The smell of peppermint hangs heavy in the air, blending nicely with the cocoa flavored kisses you’d just taken out of the oven a few minutes ago.
“I mean, I guess not?” you finally conclude with a shrug. “People eat raw meringue, right? That’s a thing that goes on some desserts. I think. Don’t quote me on that.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s a thing,” he agrees. “Plus American eggs are pasteurized to hell and back so that should help. Probably. Given my luck I probably shouldn’t risk it though…”
He’s making points, you have to agree. “I mean… But when has that ever stopped you before?”
“Literally never.” The fact that this is said around a mouthful of whipped egg whites only further proves this point.
Flirtation with food-borne illnesses aside, your little cookie baking session has been pleasantly chill. Honestly you hadn’t been expecting to have any company, but once you’d told your man what you planned on getting up to this weekend he was pretty insistent on joining you. It was an offering of affection as old and cherished as anything in your relationship; his free time may be scarce, but Tim has always made it abundantly clear that it’s always been yours to monopolize. It’s a selfless kind of greed, his wanting to spend his every waking (and sleeping, as is more often the case) moment with you, one that he doesn’t get to indulge in nearly as often as either of you would like. This is why you had busted out the eggs, sugar, and extracts instead of trying to make something more elaborate—because at the end of the day you’d rather enjoy his company than watch him flip his shit over trying to fold nuts into cookie dough without completely mangling it.
When the soft laps of a sticky mouth continue to sound behind you, you have to ask—“Is any of that actually gonna make it into the oven?”
“Given the fact that I low-key feel like I’m gonna puke? Yeah, probably. NuugHHhh—blech… One day I shall make better life decisions, ‘but it is not this day’.”
Fucking nerd, you think, bringing Aragorn into this and making me love him more and shit. Ugh. Fookin’ disgusting…
A mildly concerned “Wait” pulls your mind away from its lovesick, meme-y thoughts, and the question that follows it—“You don’t, you don’t think I actually gave myself salmonella, do you?”—leaves you snorting out a laugh.
“A stomachache? Yeah, you just ingested a decent amount of peppermint oil; that stuff’s rich and not really meant to be eaten like that, at least not in large quantities. But salmonella? Nah, probably not.”
Tim grunts a bit at that before letting out a drawn out groan as he comes to slump against your back. Toned arms wind their way around your waist as he slots you in more firmly against his torso in a move that’s more cuddle than hug. Meanwhile you take your hands away from your work so as not to ruin your cookies, only daring to start back once he’s settled. His relative stillness turns out to be a trap, however, as soon after he chooses to tuck his head into the limited space between your head and shoulder to watch you work. At first the positioning is innocent enough, and really it technically stays that way even when he’s nosing at your neck and peppering you with soft kisses. There’re no demands or expectations behind his touch, just an outpouring of affection that leaves your cheeks pleasantly warm.
To be loved, so tenderly and completely, really is all you could ever hope for—all you could ever want or need. And so you abandon the task altogether, choosing instead to lean back into his embrace and accept all that he has to give you.
Choosing him—now and always.
Up Next:
🌟 Day 7: The Ends Verses the Means || Decorating Your Home
It really says something about what your life has become, you think, that you’d hardly blink if you walked through a wormhole that led to a department store, but you’re thoroughly confused by why a relatively innocuous Christmas song is playing in your home.
Yet another side effect of dating a Bat that no one warned you about.
His methods are a bit odd, but you can’t argue with the results…
© notepadsandtealeaves, 2020 || Please do not repost, translate, or otherwise alter or distribute my works without my express permission. And for the love of god keep it away from Youtube and TikTok lol…
#((Immy does fan fiction: the Batboys))#tim drake x reader#tim drake x gn!reader#tim drake x gender neutral reader#tim drake x you#Tim Drake x Y/n#tim drake imagine#tim drake headcanon#tim drake hc#look--tim may be a sleep deprived disaster human but he's OUR sleep deprived disaster human#and he's trying his best so leave him be pls
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(sees another fandom that I can ask you about and cheers) Orphan Black! Thoughts? I don't know Dr Who but Tatiana is one of my favorite actors period.
Anon you are so sweet! I'm always happy to chat about fandoms and characters and whatnot, and I will never not appreciate the majesty of Tatiana's acting. That is one of the greatest parts of the show hands down.
Orphan Black, to me, is a show that had incredible potential, but didn't really live up to the excitement it created. (Loooong post ahead.)
The thing is, Orphan Black builds a chilling mystery and background, the world it gradually creates as it goes for about the first two seasons, got be very invested and made me wonder a lot about where it was going to go and what the answers were. The setup is brilliant, right from the start with that iconic cold open of Beth's suicide. The unknown is what really helped this show get as thrilling as it was, because the actual answers behind the unknown were kind of hit and miss, and it seemed like far too often, the show just wasn't interested in telling it's story. Hijinks where the clones impersonate each other in slice of life events? That's fun at first and it really works well as they're still getting to know each other. But after a while, it gets tedious, and it seems like the show would rather fuck around and have dance parties (seriously, that scene was such a #BigLippedAlligatorMoment) than focus on the story and the threat that the sisters are facing. Virtually all of Allison's plotlines are like this, they feel like they belong in a different show, and for some reason the writers insisted on giving her one of these storylines like, every season. After Allison passively murders her own friend out of suspecting that she's spying on her, I just don't feel like an arc about her running for some PTA office position even matters. It doesn't feel right.
Speaking of that, here's another example: Donnie. Why did the end of the first season suggest that he was this secret mastermind working for Leekie? The whole idea just deflates in Season 2 and doesn't really go anywhere. He just goes back to being the bumbling sweetheart he was before. Why even have him be the spy? Maybe it should have been Ainsley. Do you want to know the exact moment that I think Orphan Black went wrong? Like, the specific scene? When Leekie was killed off. The character who had thus far been the Big Bad, gets taken out in the stupidest possible way, a literal accident on Donnie's part, and it's even played for laughs. After that point, the show really struggled to regain it's footing, though I don't think it completely went off the rails until about Season 4, and it was still generally hit or miss. Like, some stuff was really good. The introduction of the Castor clones, the development of Rachel's character (I'll get to her, trust me.) and the reveal of Kendall Malone. But it seemed like so much else was just forgotten or otherwise not resolved. Whatever happened to Cal? Sure, the show wanted to focus on the sisters...but Kira deserves to know her father if she wants to. That's just one example. It's a crying shame because this show is sometimes incredible. The metaphor that I always use for situations like this, is a card game. The show has all the right cards in its hand, they're just not being played.
The two strongest characters, at least to me, were Rachel and Helena. One of these characters was superbly written and went through a devastating arc. The other was Helena. We need to talk about her. In Season 1, she really cemented herself as a memorable presence with her trademark accent, her scars, her whole damn personality (again, hats off to Tatiana) and of course, that iconic screechy theme music that accompanied her. Which at first made us jump, but eventually made us cheer. I adored Helena, and I loved the development of her relationship with Sarah. Who went from shooting her in Season 1, to being deadset on rescuring her in Season 3, being furious with Siobhan for betraying her. (This is unrelated but Siobhan has the same " twist villain fakeout" at the end of Season 1 that Donnie does, and it's quite frustrating.) And yet, I swear, the writers just didn't know what to do with Helena half the time. They put her on a bus for long stretches, including one point where she just up and leaves Allison's house in Season 4, for no given reason. And the characters just kind of...don't care. The same thing happens when she gets arrested. No one cares to try and find Helena, even though she's unstable and often a danger to those around her. Even though she's by herself with no real ability to function in society. Even though she's pregnant. There is no excuse for this, and no Sarah, that "I'm sorry, I avoided you" scene in Season 5 is not going to cut it. It's such an afterthought.
I'm being rather critical, but I hope you can tell that this is from a point of passion. I genuinely enjoyed this show and getting to watch it. Just that sometimes it didn't feel like the show cared that I was watching. However, this was not true whenever Rachel was onscreen. Look, I'm a Merula Snyde stan, so you can probably already guess how I feel about Rachel. Despite her crimes, despite her constant slipping back the dark side, I felt so bad for Rachel at the end of it all. That scene with Kira really sums it up. "Who hurt you?" "All of them." And no scene is more intense than when she stabs out the eye cam. Like, I'm sorry, I pitied Rachel pretty much from Season 2 on. Her parents were horrible to her, and I'm supposed to think Ethan is the good guy here? He kills himself in front of his own daughter, telling her that she doesn't deserve him. And then Sarah shoots a pencil through her eye, causing brain damage and requiring a long recovery. I'm not saying that Sarah was wrong to do what she did, just that if I were in her shoes, I'd still feel a degree of guilt for Rachel's condition. In the end, I'm devastated that she was barred from Clone Club, when she made the right decision at the point it mattered. But there's just too much history there, and Sarah won't ever forgive her. (Though again, I do feel as though there's blame to share.) Rachel is my favorite character and I never expected her to be. But she's just so complex. Side note: "Enjoy your oophorectomy" is so damn quotable. I don't know why but I love that line.
So, Rachel's my favorite. Who's my least favorite? It might surprise you. It's Delphine. I'm sorry, but I just...I couldn't get on board with C*phine. Not after Season 3. I was waiting for the point that the show would push to finally redeem Delphine for her turncoat role, for all of the hell that she put Cosima through. By Season 5 though? I realized that as far as the writers were concerned? She already was redeemed. Even though she did nothing to earn it, except be presumed dead by Cosima. The way she treats Cosima in Season 3 is actually disgusting. Her reasoning for breaking up with Cosima is circular. She has to love "all the clones" in order to be with Cosima, and the way to do that is to take over Rachel's job, which means they can't date anymore? I'm not the only one who thought that didn't make sense, right? Oh and let's talk about how she stalks Cosima's date, breaks into her house, and threatens her life. Red. Flags. Cosima even says the line, "If you're not going to be with me, just let me go." I'm sorry, that should not be something she has to beg for. Delphine's behavior made me want her to stay far, far away from Cosima. Who is, incidentally, a sweetie and I absolutely adore her. I legit have trouble remembering that Tatiana's playing her because she just looks and acts so different. That said, even though I immensely disliked Delphine, I am so very glad that they made one of the clones gay. Just like I'm glad that they made one of them trans. (Though...Tony wasn't handled especially well.)
In general, I do think the earlier seasons were stronger. The Brightborn arc, while interesting, didn't really contribute much to the overarching narrative. We got the backstory on Beth's suicide and finally learned the truth about her, I suppose. Still, even though Beth is one of my favorite of the clones, and I never expected her to be either...I feel like the actual reason given for why she took her own life was rather illogical. She apparently did it because the investigation was putting the clones in danger of another Helsinki. Okay, but just because Evie Cho says you should off yourself, doesn't mean you have to. You could just, like...stop investigating. And if you die under mysterious circumstances without explaining anything to the sisters, they're not going to be put off from the investigation. They're going to look into this even more, because they don't know why they're not supposed to. The reveal that she and Art fell in love toward the end adds an extra gut punch, but it also doesn't make sense because wouldn't Art have referenced it during the period that he thought Sarah was Beth? On the other hand, Season 4 also introduced MK. And I have such a soft spot for her. I adore that sheep-masked sweetie. Everyone always asks "Which clone would you date" (because fandoms can think of nothing else I guess) and I never see anyone give any love to MK. Her death absolutely tore me apart. I am glad Siobhan avenged her even if she went down at the same time. Side note, her last word being the affectionate "Chickens..." Broke me.
Season 5 was a strange beast. In general, it seemed like we were finally getting some answers to the questions that were hanging over us. Exploring the deep mythos. But then they kind of turned it around and made it just be a Wizard of Oz style fraud twist. Westmoreland isn't really inhumanly old, he's a charlatan. I don't know why that was necessary in a science fictional show. I've seen the interviews and I get what they were going for, it just feels like it would have been cooler and far creepier if he was actually that old. The puppet master pulling the strings the whole time. We also finally get some answers for Kira's superhuman healing abilities (though we never learn how she's telepathically connected to the clones) and I'm loving it, but the trouble is, it's inconsistent. Ethan "Why is this guy so popular, he's an asshole" Duncan told Rachel specifically that Sarah being able to have children was a fluke, that the clones were "barren by design." I don't know, the whole concept of Revival and of the "magical island" was really foreboding and tied in with the earlier references to The Island of Doctor Moreau. Especially that song about "Revival's Children" just...the shudders, man. But just having it be a regular old scam is...a letdown. I know it may be more realistic, but I don't always need realism in my scifi. The finale is interesting, in that it's mostly an epilogue. I'm glad the clones (sans Rachel) got to live happily ever after, but there are two gut punches right at the end that are total nitpicks but they bother me. Helena naming her kids after Art and Donnie? And writing a memoir that she names "Orphan Black?" Those two tropes can go die in a hole. They can enjoy an oophorectomy, because I'm so sick of them.
The potential of Orphan Black was practically infinite. The results of Orphan Black fell frustratingly short.
#Orphan Black#Alison Hendrix#Rachel Duncan#Helena Orphan Black#Sarah Manning#Cosima Niehaus#Long Post#Beth Childs#Ramblings#Veera Suominen#Donnie Hendrix#Aldous Leekie#Ethan Duncan#Delphine Cormier#Siobhan Sadler#Clone Club#Arthur Bell#Tatiana Maslany
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Baby Fever
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it 600 times. I need Hanamaki Takahiro to put a baby in me. Y’all are going to be so tired of me after this one. Fluff and slight NSFW. @dreamyjaems not totally daddy related, but pretty darn close ;)
Hanamaki;
The first time he notices it is when you’re both out with another pair of couple friends.
They’d been married for six years, while the two of you were entering three years together, and they’d just had their first baby less than a year ago.
Despite never mentioning a future desire for them, Makki watched the way you interacted with that little girl and he knew straight away.
Haha, I’m in danger.
The way your eyes soften when you hold her or the way you’ve created a new, soft persona that only spoke in high pitched gibberish
The way you were constantly buying the baby’s clothes for no reason. At all.
It becomes more apparent when the two of you are out shopping and you somehow end up in the kids clothing section.
Baby vans is where Makki draws the line. Do y’all know expensive baby vans are? I’d draw the line too.
“Sweetie...sweetheart...love of my life...” Makki has a grin on his face, his eyes aren’t open, and he’s holding your guys’ statement for your joint bank account. “Mind telling me why the fuck you spent $138 at the vans store when you didn’t buy any new vans?”
“How do you know that I didn’t?”
“Because you would have shown me them.” His grin drops into an entirely unamused look. “What did you do?”
Sighing in defeat, you walked over to a nearby shoe closet, pulling out three boxes of baby vans in varying colors and sizes. “They were just so cute 🥺”
Makki takes a seat beside you on the couch, hunching over his knees while covering his face with one hand. “I wish you’d just talk to me about this first before you went splurging on a kid we don’t even have yet.”
Yet?? Y E T??
“I was under the impression you didn’t want any.” And that wasn’t necessarily wrong, per se. The two of you were still young, trying to work through college debt, and weren’t as stable as you could be. But Makki was in this for the long haul, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t want you to be the mother of his future children.
“I mean I’m not opposed to the idea of trying.”
“...wanna start trying right now?”
“You son of a bitch, I’m in.”
Iwaizumi;
Iwaizumi was going to tear his hair out if he heard you coo at a baby one more time.
At first, it was fine. Yeah, the baby you spotted while the two of you were in line at Starbucks was cute. Even cuter when the baby waved to you, he wasn’t denying that.
But nearly every chance you got when the two of you were out in public, you’d smack him on the arm when you’d see a baby.
Legit, it was like you had a fucking radar on you.
“Haji, Haji, look! Look at how cute the wittle baby is!”
It was endearing, really, because he’d see the pout form on your lips as you tried to catch the infants attention. But again, that damned radar you had was driving him wild because it seemed to happen everywhere you went.
If there were toddler siblings or, heaven forbid, twins, you absolutely lost your shit. You fawning over one was bad enough but two? Or more? Good god.
Iwaizumi has banished all walks to the park. Walking your dog together? He made a new route away from the nearest children gathering place.
He couldn’t even bring you to McDonald’s anymore because you’d just stare at the fucking play place.
“D-do you really just not want kids, Hajime?” You’d asked him one time after seeing how red he turned with near anger? Maybe anger wasn’t the right word.
“That’s not it...”
???
He groans out of embarrassment cause he really doesn’t wanna admit this out loud. “Every time you talk about kids, I literally just wanna go home and fuck a baby into you.”
“Okay, so what the fuck are we waiting for?”
“College graduation???” Damn him and his logical rationalizations.
“We’re almost done with school—if we start now we’ll have already graduated before the baby’s even born.”
“You’re gonna be the death of me.”
Oikawa;
Oikawa actually entertains your baby fever—which is no help at all.
I see him totally being the dude that indulges watching 16&Pregnant, Teen Mom, etc. with you.
Half the time, you guys make bets over which couple’s going to break up, who loses custody of their child, so on and so forth.
But one thing remains consistent with the two of you—who the cutest babies are.
A constant topic of conversation between the two of you during these times is how idiotic some of the parents were. Have y’all ever seen Unexpected? Diego was the worst, and both of you had a unanimous opinion on that.
Unfortunately for you, these shows really start piquing your curiosity as to how yours and Oikawa’s little one would actually be.
And how the two of you would be as parents. It does upset you a little bit, considering he’s heavily focused on his pro career.
Oikawa notices the lack of desire to watch any of the aforementioned shows, despite that being a typical Friday night thing for the two of you. Friday night (baby) Fever.
“Alright, what’s wrong, love?”
“Nothing? I just feel like we should do something else.”
“Uh, no. I know you’re dying to see what the hell Max was doing while Chloe was giving birth.” 💀💀💀 he’s not wrong.
You gnaw on your lip while you make dinner—as per usual for your Friday nights. You always made something that required a bit more love while Tooru kept you up to date with his career.
“Do you think we would be better parents?”
“Duh,” he responds without skipping a beat. “both of us know how to make a bottle and change diapers.” He adds, referencing to the multitude of times you’d babysat friends’ kids or his newly born niece.
“Tooru, I’m serious.” A dry yet light laugh leaves his lips before he’s standing behind you, wrapping his arms just under your breasts and resting his chin on your head.
“I am too. I’ve just been waiting for you to give me permission.”
Oya? Wait, shit wrong person sorry
Needless to say, y’all don’t need to watch anymore pregnancy shows after this—too occupied with your own journey into parenthood.
Matsukawa;
Oh Mattsun, my clueless bunny.
He probably wouldn’t even notice, tbh, that you literally are in near tears when you see a cute baby.
Cause I imagine his s/o would be one that cries over all the cute things. Puppies? Cry. Kittens? Cry. Otter pups? Double cry.
But he seems to be missing the key theme here—b a b i e s, Issei.
He kinda dense.
You’ve always been good with kids without really trying, he learned, when you started watching your best friend’s five year old son once a week.
The little bean was your best friend, besides his mom and Issei of course. Every Thursday, you got up early so you could welcome the boy, make him breakfast, and hang out with him all day.
At first, it did funny things to Mattsun to see the way you’d glow while making slime or watching your favorite kid’s movies with him.
He learned quickly you could quote the entirety of Hercules and Mulan, and often acted out the singing parts with great theatrics.
When your best friend would come for her son, you’d get a little sad, enough for Mattsun to notice. He’s not that dense.
But dense enough not to notice the way you longingly stare at mothers holding the hands of their toddlers or carrying their babies while the two of you are out grocery shopping.
You’ve never wanted anything more than to have a kid with Issei. Even if he is kinda 💀💀
He’s so good to you, and it kinda hurts your heart the way he brushes off hanging out with you and the kiddo. Like he doesn’t want children period.
So, like any other healthy relationship, you actually decide to sit down and have a talk with him about this. Low key, it kinda scared him cause he thought you were about to dump him. “Do you see yourself having kids in the future?”
“Babe, I physically cannot.”
“I fucking hate you, Issei. I’m being serious.” Despite your words, you try not to laugh. You failed.
“What brought this on?”
“You just never seem to want to hang out with me and the rugrat when he’s over.”
“Not gonna lie, it’s just really hot watching you play mom.”
“You know, I don’t have to play mom.”
“Bedroom. Now.”
#haikyu!!#haikyuu!! imagine#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu imagine#haikyuu scenario#seijoh#aoba johsai#hq hanamaki#hanamaki x reader#haikyuu hanamaki#hanamaki takahiro#iwaizumi scenarios#hajime iwaizumi#iwaizumi headcanons#iwaizumi imagine#iwaizumi x reader#oikawa scenarios#oikawa torū#oikawa fluff#oikawa x reader#mattsun#matsukawa issei#matsukawa x reader#haikyuu matsukawa#haikyuu requests#anon request#samwrights#i physically could not stop laughing when i wrote mattsun
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medical update - long post, TWs in tags
my head is as bad as it's been since the beginning of it all. it's been seven months since it's been at this level. nearing the end of my rope here
anyway. so the only thing that's keeping me from getting the official IIH diagnosis is a lumbar puncture. I was gonna do one cause my neurosurgeon wanted me to get one and as he was on the way out of the door (in april 2020) he's like 'oh yeah if you read anything about death/emergency surgery from getting a lumbar puncture with a chiari malformation don't worry about it'
me, who had not been googling things anymore cause it was making my anxiety really high, now very worried about it: haha ok!!
yeah so there are numerous documented cases of people with chiari malformation having an LP done and for whatever reason, the sudden decrease in spinal fluid causes the chiari (cerebellar tonsils have herniated into the spinal cord opening in the base of the skull) to 100% herniate and results in immediate life-saving full-on brain surgery right then and there
so!!! I never got an LP because I was like, fresh in the middle of the worst of the medical trauma, three weeks out of the hospital where my intense phobia of IVs came from, no one was believing me about any of it etc etc lmao goddd I wish he hadn't said anything cause my anxiety brain is stupid
but when I saw him in late october and he finally believed me and started talking about IIH, the actual diagnostic tool (the last one anyway) is a lumbar puncture. to rule out anything in the spinal fluid (which is pretty much already ruled out for me because it's been 19 months and I would've had other stuff happening if it were something in the fluid) and check the pressure in my brain. IIH is intracranial hypertension for who knows why. I asked my neurologist yesterday if I get it, since we have ruled everrrrything out, and my pressure is high, will I get the IIH diagnosis and he said correct. like it's the only thing I'm missing!!!
but the problem with getting the diagnosis is there are legit two medications they use to treat IIH and they are not without potentially severe side effects (they lower spinal fluid production and fucking with your brain when they don't really know Why can. fuck your brain) and I am already terrified of new meds. I don't want to go through all this shit just to have horrible things happen when I try to treat it, you know? but weight loss is clearly not working, at least not yet and I don't know if it ever will. if it doesn't, I'm going to have to have surgery. that's the only way to fix this :/
I talked to my neurosurgeon in october about the risks of herniation with an LP and I think he got frustrated lmao because he's like 'it's like the biggest myth out there! I've never seen it in my entire career'
but it's not a myth because it HAS happened. I would say him being a renowned neurosurgeon means that it's probably a really low risk? but it's not a fuckin myth and with him being a renowned neurosurgeon I have no doubts he knows that. because I saw a neurologist team shortly before I went back to him that said 'oh no, we never order LPs for chiari patients. it's taught in school because the risk is too high'
so I'm like ok my neurosurgeon is fantastic at what he does but he was playing fast and loose with the truth, so do I want to trust this guy? I'm being told they teach it in school to not do this because people have died. I'm being told by my new neurologist that he thinks the benefits far outweigh the risks, my chiari is so mild, it'll be done in the hospital under the right settings with monitoring, etc etc, and that he considers my neurosurgeon the true expert on the matter and to maybe listen to him and himself and not what a different neuro said
WHICH WOULD BE OKAY if the risk wasn't fucking DEATH in a horrible way during a fairly common procedure!!! like it's considered 'invasive' but it's still done often enough
my brain is at a complete standstill. I am living in such horrible agony that I want to end my life. if I get the LP, I could actually experience relief for a while because
of the removal of some SF resulting in less pressure in my skull. or I could just straight up die lmao but also I don't want to be on meds to treat it even if I do get the diagnosis!! I am in the middle of applying for disability (not even 50% of the way through and it's a long process ._.) so if I get this diagnosis and I add it to my claim, this, along with everrrrrything else, gives me an even higher chance of getting approved
and if this doesn't go away from weight loss, I will be forced to do an LP anyway because I will have to confirm the pressure in my skull so they can perform surgery. but that would be months away, maybe even late next year, because I do still have to lose all the weight first
so my dilemma is, do I just go ahead with the LP despite the risks (no matter how low they are and I genuinely don't know how low from getting so many mixed answers from doctors) because I could get relief and because I could get the diagnosis to add to disability?
what happens if the Worst™ happens and I never walk out of the hospital, you know? it's scary. it's genuinely so terrifying to me. I'm having traumatic nightmares about this shit
my cognitive function has been declining enough that I have zero recollection of a few things happening. it's not just forgetting, it's a complete blackout. I'm mixing up meds and a couple other things. and it's scaring me. neuro referred me to a neuropsychologist to evaluate this stuff
my head is so bad I am in a constant heightened state of extreme anxiety and depression and stress. I'm starting to get heart palpitations again. like something's gotta give, right? I don't know what to do
if you or someone you know has had a lumbar puncture, please please please do NOT tell me any horror stories about it (I legit can't handle it). if you've had one and it was easy peasy lemon squeezy, can you tell me about it, please?
hanging on by a fucking threeeeeeead. love you all very much
#medical#personal#tw death#tw medical procedures#tw depression#tw anxiety#sorry for rambling i am super fucking mixed up about this#its so easy for people (doctors) to say oh yeah get this done the risk is low don't listen to anyone else. if you don't well lol suffer!!
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Nate Watches Things: A Saga
Or in this case, one thing. One thing that was far too long of a thing, but such a bizarre venture that I felt rather compelled to put an actual review of said thing together.
Why? Because I can and because others HAVE to experience this..this journey. A nice lil journey called Die Pfeiler der Macht/ A Dangerous Fortune. And I watched it solely because Luca looks cute in Victorian clothes, and I was intrigued by the gifs.
Curiosity has always been such a great human motivator, eh?
And..guys. I just. I don’t know what the 3-4 hours (it’s two movies, and I took a couple days to watch it) WERE, exactly, but they were..a thing? I know that it’s based on a book by Ken Follett and that this production is German. Despite being based in England.
Oh, and Luca’s character Mickey Miranda, is uh, Spanish. Make of that what you will.
So the summary is this:
A shocking secret behind a young boys death leads to three generations of treachery in this breathtaking saga of love, power and revenge, set amid the wealth and decadence of Victorian England.
And no it does not do this thing justice whatsoever.
Review under the cut. It’s too long *again, two movies here*, and I took far too many screencaps of this absolute wtfery, and uh, it’s probably better suited for a real-time live blog but nah. You can have this instead.
Some images under the cut are NSFW because nefarious boning is a key point in this..thing.
SPOILERS. So many spoilers. This thing is a spoiler fest. The caps have a very obvious Luca bias, I know why we’re here everyone. Hehe. There’s also some triggering stuff in this thing, so be warned there too.
BEHOLD:
So, a point I want to make is that the costuming in this movie is LEGIT. If absolutely nothing else works? Note that the costuming absolutely does.
The opening credits are very nice, Luca’s very pretty, this cap serves purely to showcase that because I’m a very serious man doing a very serious review.
Pretty.
So the beginning is..confusing. We have a girl, Maisie Robinson. (Around 10-13 here?) Her father is very poor and it’s her and her two siblings. He works for a man who is part of our main characters, the Pilasters? and they run this bank. The head of the bank commits suicide, since they’re having financial troubles and he cannot repay his workers. He pens a note to his young son *under 12 at this point*, Hugh.
Hugh never finds out about this letter, but anyway. At the moment, it’s 1866. Maisie’s father was one of those employees. Destitute, he leaves Maisie to..raise her siblings, and goes to America.
We never hear from this man again.
Hugh goes to live with his aunt (Augusta/Augustina?), uncle Joseph, and cousins, Edward and Clara.
THEN IT’S 1877 (we jump ten years)
Maisie’s two siblings have died, and she has a daughter, Rachel now. Who is also dying. This movie is very keen on people dying. I’d also like to point out that there is like, endless plots all happening alongside one another, and it took me until mid-way into part two to even really grasp what the main plot is.
The movie has a LOT of bank talk as well. I cannot express this earnestly enough, there is SO MUCH bank chatter. SO MUCH. This thing does not have to be as long as it is but again, bank stuff.
Anyway, the one plot is that Maisie is from the poor area, she’s had a horrible life and has struggled from day one. She’s in a constant battle with Hugh, and they argue a lot. A lot. (They like each other, they met as kids, but they’re from very different worlds. Hugh has money, she doesn’t, but Hugh has suffered as well and basically it’s your normal class struggle social commentary thing).
Maisie and Hugh in 1866, as kids, after Maisie’s father left for America. This is the funeral for Hugh’s father. So that’s the theme I mean.
Anywho.
Back in 1877, this is Samuel *left*, Joseph *middle* and Edward. The Pilaster’s get marched into work like they’re freaking army Captain’s and not just rich ass bankers. Imagine saluting your CEO. At work. Outside of the military. WHERE IS THIS A THING? Maybe this was a thing in Victorian England I have no clue I’ve certainly never come across it in my studies. Ffs.
Anyway.
So while all this is going on, there’s this man that wants to marry Maisie.
And his name is,
(That’s Rachel, Maisie’s daughter). Anyway, Solly here loves Maisie and wants to marry her. But Maisie loves Hugh, and neither of them realize this yet. Solly is a himbo and we mostly like him, but stay tuned because that doesn’t stick. Sorta. Depends on how-
Nevermind I’ll just keep going.
ANYWAY, more plot.
Here’s Edward again, doing drugs, being gay, and overall..useless. Edward is..Edward is kind of like a person who would make an interesting wall decoration. Fun enough to look at, but utterly freaking hopeless, and useless, and so dumb. Just so dumb. This character is given the substance of ash fault. Kinda like, only vaguely solid enough to be entertaining. Kinda.
I don’t know guys, BUT LOOK!
It’s his good old pal Mickey! And he’s slapped Edward awake out of his drug coma (okay he grabs his face and shakes him rather than slapping but given how much slapping happens in the rest of this movie I think I can be forgiven) and he has PLOTS.
Mostly it’s his dads plot, but it’s a plot. A very devious scheme and he needs our favourite wallpapers assistance!
(Sorry Edward, but it’s true)
So keeping in mind that the ‘theme’ of this movie is bone-and-soul crushing sadness paired with periods of intense chaos and insanity that you never see coming, our plots continue to thicken.
What Mickey means here, is that Edward’s family denied Mickey’s father what he wanted *weapons deal*, and beat the crap out of Mickey in a carriage. But that’s fine that’s fine Mickey is not deterred! BECAUSE.
*sigh*
So.
OK.
This scene.
Remember what I said about how this movie goes from being incredibly boring to so off the walls bonkers without actually WARNING YOU that it is going to do this? Yeah.
Edward, you see, really does not ‘do’ women. He’s gay. He’s extremely gay. Edward’s mother wants him to marry Florence Stalworthy for idk rich people reasons.
So..Mickey. Uh. Mickey’s solution is..this.
What is this, you ask??
Fuck if I know.
Anyway, no, uhm. This is a brothel. So (not) pictured here (I can’t post the scene on tumblr guys we have a ban) is Edward on a couch across from mask-and-feathers MIckey and this tied down woman, with another woman who is not tied down. And this is Mickey..showing Edward..how to.have sex with women. Apparently. Sort of. His lesson falls very flat. It is not a good scene, Mickey’s ‘instructions’ get increasingly louder, and he at one point makes this noise that sounds like a Joker laugh.
It is...it’s something.
(Also note there’s some extremely uncomfortable, misogynistic name-calling on Mickey’s part here..so yeah).
Oh, and it doesn’t convince Edward. At all. IMAGINE.
Around all this time, the Hugh/Maisie/Solly plot is also ongoing. And that also encompasses bar fighting (bare knuckles boxing and wrestling I think? And gambling)
Hugh has gambling debt we’ll get back to this. (He’s also obsessed with getting Russian bonds into the bank, again, the banking plot losses me a LOT)
So meanwhile, Mickey meets up with Edward’s mother.
But why Edward’s mother, you ask??
Well. *sigh*. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that Mickey likes Ed’s mum. A lot. A lot a lot. Mickey wants to take that woman to town and then some, is a very basic way of me putting it and-
Fuck it. Mickey wants to bang Ed’s mum. BADLY.
(She’s not opposed either, at all)
So their little scheme here is that Ed’s mum wants Ed to take control of the bank, but with the father-in-law alive, that’s not going to happen. So they’re plotting to take down the next person in charge who would succeed said father in law, (Samuel) who is in a relationship with the secretary mentioned above, Michael.
Yes, another GODDAMNED PLOT.
(Samuel is fairly unpleasant like all of these people, so I don’t feel that bad for him. He also kinda treats Michael like garbage, and is called out for this by Joseph later in the movie)
So the scheme here is to get rid of the father-in-law, and get Ed married. Cake walk!
(Also, while ALL THIS is going on, Mickey’s got his own mini-plot about doing these things for his father, the weapons and stuff but we don’t actually find out about the main goal of that whole thing till the end, you’ll see)
Oh, and since we’ve not had a good dose of ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ lately, Solly proposes to Maisie with an honest-to-god Alice in Wonderland party.
Yeah.
Meet the Mad Hatter! He’s a guide, he says nothing. Other people are in costume too, but you know-I have enough caps as it is.
So anyway, Maisie and Solly get engaged, Maisie and Hugh meet up at some point and bang instead.
And while that’s happening, Edward is convinced by Mickey to marry Florence.
So he does.
Lookit this shit faced smug ass grin.
(Also ahead is Samuel again, and Hugh)
BUT THEN the bank finds out about Hugh’s gambling debts. So he leaves. Taking his cousin Clara (Edward’s teenage sister-at her insistence) to the USA. And just like Maisie’s dad, another man abandons her for the States.
So the father in law is still alive, so!
It’s murder time.
Perfect wedding time event yeah?
So Mickey murders the father-in-law. (He jumps on him, suffocates him with a pillow, gets caught by Augusta and then they do this..weird ‘tensely make the bed thing’)
Murdered.
And then, exactly five seconds or so later..
Nothing like some murder pre-boning with the dead guy two feet away amiright?
Anyway at this point I was just:
And yelling at my ceiling. Not pictured.
I was a Hannibal fan and I STILL went !?!?!?
END PART ONE.
Part two starts out in 1912, and then cuts back to 1882. So in this messy timeline, note it has been six years since part one. And Hugh is married now to Nora, an American singer, and Clara is older and pregnant. (Father is never determined, but he’s a married man and that’s why Clara didn’t stay)
SO the three of them are returning home. Maisie and Solly have a son, David, and Maisie is depressed and distant, so Solly is the one who spends all the time with David. He’s shown as a legit good dad and it’s quite cute watching them.
(The kids Hugh’s, btw, he and Maisie both know this, Hugh does not, it’s revealed dramatically later but we still have so many plots)
Edward and Florence are childless. Edward doesn’t sleep with her. Everyone knows this.
(At this point I kept asking myself when this would end, I cannot stress how LONG this thing feels at times)
So Hugh and Nora meet up with Maisie and Solly, and they chat and there’s more love plots, more bank plots and a masquerade party where at some point Maisie thinks a little girl at the party is Rachel (who died in the end of part one, sorry!) and there’s a fire and Maisie and Hugh make out and Nora and Solly are both upset and it’s a whole thing.
Samuel now does something of a side business that’s unspecified with Michael, and pregnant Clara is being persued by the only man who might be a good match for her (she’s not keen on getting married. But he’s also..really old.) PLOTS.
And Mickey and Augusta are..still a thing. And Edward being chlidless is becoming an issue. So what is the solution dear friends??
*BANGS HEAD INTO A WALL*
Why the fuck not.
Absolutely flawless! Eddie will NEVER notice.
SO with this plan in motion, Mickey sets out to seduce Florence, Eddie’s neglected wife. He starts in a church, and I have to admit, this one line he gives is quite funny.
“I don’t go to church.”
Cannot begin to imagine why.
Also, around this time is when we get the infamous scene about how he fcked the wives of the three men and then made the guys suck his dick one by one. I didn’t cap that since it’s in gif form, but yeah.
Hugh and Solly and Nora and Maisie are still having their love issues. And there is still bank stuff as all this is going down.
But while on his Florence quest, we see Mickey beat up a guy who was abusing a small boy, and Florence see’s him do this as well and:
He looks so baffled.
‘Me? GOOD? I really don’t think so.”
She’s also holding a baby, and he gives the infant this face:
“Eugh, what is that?”
He also finds her in church again at some point and comes alongside her like this:
”Sup? Whatcha prayin’ about?”
Anyway, while doing all this, he’s still having some issues. He needs Eddie’s signature for a bank transfer (for his father, his father’s plot is STILL a THING) and so it is time to seduce someone ELSE. This time it’s Edward. This won’t be hard. Edward wants him so bad you could probably see it from fucking space.
Mickey is well aware of this.(I don’t think it’s one sided either, he looks at Edward all wide eyed half the time, but he’s so manipulative it’s hard to judge).
Actually me right now tbh.
So that’s this followed by the infamous gif set.
Edward takes him up on it.
‘Come along my dear there’s nefarious boning to be done’.
Absolutely vital screencap below (which is the most we get anyway and I didn’t cap the line about the freaking signature because fuck plots over nice images okay)
Vital
Anyway Edward gives him the bloody signature. And then Mickey goes along to talk to Augusta. But at this point Mickey is very much beginning to unravel. His goal seems to be more centralized to finishing whatever long ass convoluted job his father has been making him do for the last six years (possibly more tbh) and he’s sort of done with everything.
And Edward see’s this exchange. Le. Oof.
SO! IN BETWEEN ALL THIS. There’s some party where there’s drama and then basically Nora..willing gives up Hugh so he can be with Maisie and Solly just..I don’t even know, single dad for life and all. Edward knows that his family has basically been doing shit all around him, and Mickey STILL seduces Florence. He has her meet him outside that night at two am and they get together, but when he’s with her he kinda has these doubts but she wants him anyway so they bang.
Yeesh.
AFTER that there’s Edward again, because Edward knows shit is up, Mickey goes to a room to grab a bag and see’s Edward there. He tells Edward goodbye, but Edward pulls a gun. Mickey just...drops the bag, tells him to shoot. Edward doesn’t, instead he turns the gun on himself and then Mickey shoots himself in a chair.
Yeah.
DEATH! SADNESS! REMEMBER-THIS MOVIE LOVES DEAD PEOPLE~!
At some point in all this, Augusta goes to her daughter, Clara, apologies for being an absolutely evil mother for her entire life and then the movie sort of begins to wrap up.
Maisie and David were going to leave for the States together, but David wants to stay with Solly, who well DID raise him despite him being Hugh’s kid. So Maisie and Hugh are alone and David lives with Solly and the Pilaster bank has discovered the ACTUAL FREAKING PLOT OF MICKEY’S DAD AND THE ENTIRE BACKGROUND THING. Which was this:
THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE ALMOST FOUR HOURS, GERMANY.
SO Hugh lets the mob inside. We don’t see what happens after that, but Augusta comes in to tell Joseph Edward shot himself.
Lots of sadness.
So the movie ends in 1912, with David and Hugh meeting up. David never saw Maisie again *she’s deceased now, as is Solly.* they talk, there is some moral lesson or something about love. The goddamned end.
OOF.
SO overall?
I don’t know.
It’s a movie. It has a script and plot and..it was put on screen? The costumes are legitimately amazing. They might be the best thing about this thing. But it REALLY feels like Ken really wanted to make a movie about banking, noticed that’d be boring and tried to make it spicy.
It’s so bizarre. So depressing. So many people are horrible. So many bad things happen. So much slapping, so much weirdness. There’s nothing happy in this thing. Not one. The so called ‘good’-ish ending falls flat amongst a sea of depression and I re-iterate, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO LONG.
I distinctly recall lots of clock watching at times, wondering how I could POSSIBLY have more to go. It then goes so completely off the rails that you just don’t know what is happening and it’s just WEIRD.
At times that weirdness makes it fun, but overall it’s really not great. I probably would never rewatch it, and I can say that it’s an uh, experience in movie-watching.
A good one? I don’t know. But an experience, none the less.
#a dangerous fortune#nate reviews things#nate reviewing#look don't expect coherency here ya'll this thing is A TRIP#long post#too many screenshots#am i legit posting this thing at quarter to four in the morning#yes because i dont want my drafts to eat it askjdnkas#i'll just rebagel later in the day if needed ok
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Flower of Evil Thoughts- Episode 12: Part 1
Okay, just when I think these episodes can't get any better than the last, I get CONTINUOUSLY proven wrong! How is this show SO amazing!? Okay, let's start with the recap and my thoughts.
WOW this episode really started off with a bang, didn't it?? I was floored how crazy unmother found out the real Heeseong, her real son, was a serial killer. I was legit creeped out by the fact that he kept commemorative photos of his kidnappings and killings, but what really fucked me up was the fact that he kept their fingernails. So NOW we know where the other sets of fingernails went... I guess Do Minseok kept the ones on the right hands and Heeseong kept the ones on the left hand. Just ughhh ewwww. This is seriously so disgusting. That really grossed me out. So, was unmother going to commit suicide? She held a blade to her wrist and then she looks out the window, and what does she see?? Heeseong... trying to bury a body in the rain. I mean what even??? This whole family has upped the evil factor. If there's any flower of evil blossoming? It's the Baek family.
And who's body is it!? None other than Do Hyunsoo! The man he just hit with his car! I mean REALLY!? He was going to legit BURY Hyunsoo alive??? This guy is the psychopath, this guy is the batshit crazy one, this guy is the serial killer. NOT Hyunsoo. It's kinda funny, I was talking to my husband and I said. "Well, the synopsis sorta got it right. Heeseong is definitely a serial killer, only it's the REAL Heeseong and not the fake Heeseong, which is Hyunsoo." We both were like "Yep. Heeseong IS a serial killer and did it right along with Do Minseok." Funny, that.
He’s so casual like “Oh don’t mind me. Just gonna bury this man I hit with my car alive. Go back inside.” So, ole Mommie Dearest over here goes all feral on her serial killer son and straight up stabs his ass declaring she’s scared of him. You know what, lady? I am too. He’s kinda terrifying. I swear if you gave that boy an axe and told him to go chop wood, he'd turn it around and do a Lizzie Borden on your ass. This family as a whole is a complete whack job.
Oooookay so we're back in the present now, and what do we have here??? Heeseong. Sitting up in his chair and guess what he's doing. SPEAKING. NORMALLY. None of that "I just got out of a coma and I'm slow" speech he'd been doing since last week. Yeeeeah I knew his bullshit he was pulling was a whole-ass act. Okay, so last week, when I saw the preview at the end of Ep 11 and they were all screaming about finding a buried body? I had a theory that it was going to be the maid's body they find, considering the way the crazy mother was freaking at out her wanting to know what all she knew. Now you have Heeseong being threatening with this lady. I'm getting death flags everywhere for her.
Oh look... creepy hospital trash dad is deep the blood cleaning Heeseong's car, phone rings and there we got trafficker man, Yeom Sangchul. Soooo, Heeseong owed him money and dad paid him off to cover his son's ass??? DUDE. What is WRONG with this family!? What is WRONG with these people!? They're legit messed tf up! And can they STOP trying to "take care of" Hyunsoo already?? The constant putting out a hit on him is getting frustrating. "Either Hyunsoo lives or we do." UM. You both are TWISTED old FUCKS who don't deserve life after all the crap you've pulled. Hyunsoo deserves life. He's more human than all of you. You don't, if that's how it's going to be. I'd love to watch them rot in prison.
YAY!!! There's our couple!!! Coming out of Hyunsoo's shop looking like a legit BADASS power couple!!! YASSSSSSSSS!!! And... what's this??? What?? Detective Choi wants a cup of coffee??? Weird... it almost seemed as if Jiwon WAS expecting some kind of Swat team out there to arrest her husband. Jiwon looks confused on what's happening, Hyunsoo is just quietly accepting it all. And when they go inside and Sunbae almost appears, reluctant and hesitant. He even thanks Hyunsoo for being the informant, which I did NOT expect. I knew there was a reason why I liked him from the start. He's redeeming himself.
Haesoo is really stunned over the fact that Jiwon knows the truth about Hyunsoo and who he is. And of course she's in a panic because she believes her brother left and so now would be the perfect time to turn herself in. Moojin tries his hardest to stop her, because obviousy he doesn't want to see her go to jail, but he's gotta stop being so pushy...
Sunbae has a great personality, but when he starts questioning Hyunsoo over the murder he doesn't waver. Hyunsoo straight up tells him he had no motive for murdering the village head, unlike Jiwon who's crying out that he didn't do it. That's right. Because he DID NOT. The look that the husband and wife give each other, Jiwon just looks stricken by the fact that after what they went through last night, Hyunsoo still won't tell the truth. That he was not the one who murdered the village head. Hyunsoo just looks at his wife calmly. His expression is unreadable. He may have just been silently pleading with her to please respect his wishes. This is what he wants. He doesn't want this for his sister.
Oh, Noona... not only was Hyunsoo's past so incredibly traumatic for him, but it was for you too. You've been deeply affected by this because of your overwhelming love for your brother and it's precious. It really is. It's heartbreaking watching him get thrown into repeated exorcisms at such a young age for something that was never even wrong with him. ALL of the adults in his life FAILED HIM. His father, the therapist, the villagers, and even his only friend along with his pack of cronies. They BRAINWASHED him into believing he was a bad person just like his father was, and it's HEARTBREAKING. It's so utterly HEARTBREAKING. I LOVE how strong-willed Noona delcaring she doesn't feel sorry for killing the old bastard who put this poor child through all of this.
They threw things at him, beat him, hurt him... And when they cut to Hyunsoo after being beaten, he just looks dead inside... it's so devastating knowing that they forced him into believing he was being possessed by his father's ghost, to the point that he saw his father's ghost. Now, maybe he really DID see his ghost, but the fact that he was so brainwashed into believing these things? My heart literally ACHES for Hyunsoo... Noona is right. Moojin is NO better. He turned his back on Hyunsoo when he needed him most. Tied him a tree, beat the crap out of him, stoned him. And every single person in that town FAILED Hyunsoo. Hyunsoo was the only real HUMAN out of all of them. And that is SO DEVASTATINGLY HEARTBREAKING. Because he was so unjustly and unfairly FAILED by people he needed most, EXCEPT for Noona.
Okay, Sunbae knows something is going on. He knows that Hyunsoo claiming he killed the old man and how easily the weapon was found was just TOO convenient. He knows. NOW, I'm DYING to know who this one another witness was that said Hyunsoo wasn't a bad person? Was it Noona? Was it someone else? Because every single person in that village ostracized him, that we know of, asides from Haesoo. So what gives??? I want to know who it was... I'm just gonna place a bet that it was Haesoo who had her brother's back because she was the only one who ever did.
Oh.. oh Sunbae... you are 100% and fully fledged redeemed. REDEEMED. Don't imprison an INNOCENT man!!! I think he KNOWS Hyunsoo is innocent, and the look on Hyunsoo's face... he knows the Hyunsoo and Haesoo's childhood tragedy. My heart just twisted. Sunbae. T_T Sorry, but the fact that Sunbae is letting him go, simply by saying he isn't interested in Do Hyunsoo anymore, and that Do Hyunsoo is a good person... I swear I had tears in my eyes because of the hope in theirs!!! I was smiling and had tears in my eyes just like Jiwon because FINALLY!!! He can live his life, he can be with his family, he can love his wife openly and happily, he can raise his daughter with no fear, and... wait, hold up... it's too damn happy. Way too happy. Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it. Yep. Something is coming to literally fuck up their happiness and it's stressful. It really is.
OH GOD this SCENE. This next scene!!! I cried during this scene. I found myself sobbing because of the pure innocence of this scene alone. Our precious baby girl, Eunha!!! She's back!! And she's running and crying in his father's arms... You can already see the emotion on his face as he stoops down for his baby, and he's crying too... It's like years upon years of all these emotions that were built up and hidden behind iron walls are spilling out of him now that the floodgates have burst. Like he just can't help itself, and it's a beautiful thing. It's so good for him, it's cathartic and just what he's needed for so so long. All the years he spent locked behind that wall, believing he was something he wasn't, it's all been set free. He can FEEL. And he show what he's feeling without being told otherwise. He's free to love.
"Daddy! I missed you so so so much!!"
Oh, little sweetie, he did too. He really did. So very much. All the years he's spent watching you grow and raising you, all of those memories and feelings for you, you precious little angel, are welling up inside of him and bursting out of him, on top of the fact that he doesn't have to say goodbye to his baby girl simply due to the fact that he's Do Hyunsoo. That's why he's crying. From the day she was born, to each one of her milestones and young triumphs throughout her life are so important because he sees it all so differently now. When Jiwon't mother says "She acts like they've been separated for years" and Jiwon remains quiet? Because in a sense, they have. Sure, he's seen Eunha almost every single day of her life, but he hasn't really SEEN her til now because he had a heavy, dark veil covering the eyes of his heart.
He's seeing Eunha for the first time and feeling her with his heart, and i find that so overwhelmingly beautiful. Jiwon assures her mother that it's nothing when she worriedly asks what's wrong, that she's never seen him like this before. And Jiwon just tearfully smiles so gently and so softly at her precious family while they cry and embrace because she loves them so much. It's sweet how Jiwon's mother is concerned for them though lol. I wonder if she'll find out...? And how ADORABLE was it when Eunha told her daddy not to cry again because he misses her? She's such a precious little angel and such a good little girl. His kiss on her forehead was the sweetest thing too. What REALLY made me melt in tears was the fact that Hyunsoo says:
"Eunha-ya, daddy loves you a lot."
And Eunha's arm heart... just... GOSH. T____T And even though she tells her daddy not to cry, you can see him tearing up again as he waves bye bye to his little girl off to preschool. It's so beautiful and refreshing to see him finally finding his emotions and finding his feelings and expressing them so honestly. And his little kiss on her forehead. Just end me. I can’t get over how precious the moments these two share truly are. It’s beautiful. ♥
Wooooowwww, so Jiwon was planning on quitting her job as a police officer??? But here we have Sunbae trying to encourage her to seriously think about this decision, because he's right. Giving up a job like that could have a huge affect on her entire life. And to get to work and work like crazy because they're mad busy lol. Ah, Sunbae.
And I just can't get over Hyunsoo and Jiwon's love. I really can't. I love how holds her hand and strokes it gently with his thumb. She asks "What were you thinking about in front of the store earlier?" And BAM! I was right! He was remembering the very first time he ever held Eunha. I'm sure he probably wanted to cry the first time he held her because his heart was likely overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings, but he didn't know how and he couldn't figure them out. And then he says when he met Jiwon, every single moment of his life was filled with first times and I just... I can't... Jiwon has been the most beautiful, welcoming, warming and positive force in his life. If it weren't for her, he may not have ever began his healing process from years upon years of trauma. I love the focus on their hands. I really do. Almost like he didn't want to let her go back to work, and even asking her if she'll be alright. Hyunsoo, you are such a wonderful husband to her. Goodness.
I do love how when Jiwon entered her workroom and the police chief snapped at her, Sunbae was quick to step up with the continued story of Eunha was sick and he sent her home, so she's not been made aware of the situation, which is half-true. Jiwon had NO idea that Yeom Sangchul busted loose and is on the run. Now, here's something interesting...
"How's your kid? Who's sick? Your first or second?"
WAIT... now why are they making it a point to show that Jiwon only has one child right now??? Is there... is that foreshadowing?? Could there maybe be a chance that Eunha might get a brother or sister in the future??? Or is that just my wishful thinking and overthinking it because the police chief just doesn't know enough about her as a person and that's what they're showing us? Hmmm... Well, here's hoping we get that happy ending with Jiwon pregnant and them having a new baby! *fingers crossed* lol Sorry. Just some Hyunsoo/Jiwon fanwishes. Anyway... I got a good chuckle out of the chief trying to cover his ass by passing out energy drink packets and of course Sunbae being his hilariously greedy self with wanting two and talking about the chief being cheap HAH! I laughed. And then Sunbae gets a call from Hyunsoo... WHAT!? What is going on now??? Wanting to talk where Jiwon can't hear?
So, Hyunsoo is still sitting at the front gate in his car and he's thinking back to something Yeom Sangchul said. "Think hard about it. Whom did you tell this secret to? Who do you think ratted you out to me?" Ooooo, I think Hyunsoo's onto something, though. I get why he doesn't want Jiwon to know, but hasn't he learned his lesson yet? Honey, things go south when you keep secrets from your wife. She's also a police officer. You do realize that, right? And she's a badass one at that. I get you're protecting her from knowing that someone is out to get you, but you gotta tread carefully love... you don't want to break trust between the two of you. You need her trust now more than anything.
Oh look, there's human trafficking trash man eating and the equal trash son laying in bed watching the news on his tablet. And her comes trash mom. Is he really still going to continue pulling off that whole fake slow talk "I just got out of a coma. Feel pity for me" crap? Please. We know he can speak just fine considering he did it earlier with the housemaid. Can he spare me the innocence? And why does he still seem to have himself convinced that Hyunsoo is going to kill him?? Hell, if anything, Hyunsoo will just want to help catch his ass and have him thrown in prison for the disgusting stuff Do Minseok did with him.
So, Moojin is going to play the noble idiot again once more for Haesoo by looking for Hyunsoo? Well, you don't gotta look too far, bro. He's a lot closer than you think. Also, the more I think about it, the more I'm with Moojin. Not because my heart is shriveling over him telling Noona to stop saying she'll turn herself in, but I agree. Sunbae let Hyunsoo go saying he has no interest in him anymore. If Noona goes to the police station now and outright admits to killing the village head all those years ago, there's also a chance that they'll all find out that Jiwon's husband is Do Hyunsoo. Sunbae might be willing to overlook that fact, but that doesn't mean the others will.
Side note, but Moojin, why do you think you deserve a SHRED of care from Haesoo after the shit you've pulled? Sorry but that got on my nerves. Stop comparing yourself to Hyunsoo and your importance to Noona. Hyunsoo is her little BROTHER. He's family. There's a HUGE difference. Jeez, Moojin. Stop being so pushy and clingy. She doesn't WANT to go home. She WANTS to go to the police station. You have no right to tell the driver where to send her. Ugh he's so frustrating sometimes. I have such mixed feelings about him.
Alright, so Hyunsoo and Sunbae are at a cafe now talking about the fact that Hyunsoo has a pretty good idea of who's put a hit out on him. That he'll give Yeom Sangchul a shit ton of money to kill him. And it flashes back to trash dad trying to talk Hyunsoo into leaving if he gives him 10 times the amount. WHY can't these people just leave him alone?? For fuck sake. Hyunsoo states it's just an assumption, but we know he's not wrong and he won't tell Sunbae who thinks the person is til he can confirm it for himself with Sunbae's help. This treading into some very dangerous waters.
Moojin, good grief why do you keep bothering her? We're all well aware you like Haesoo, but she isn't interested in a relationship with you or anyone else. She's at the police station, and it's kind of sad because she believes that Moojin is all Hyunsoo has left. She shows up and just about outs herself when Jiwon smoothly covers it up by claiming she's here to identify the human trafficking victims since it's connected to her father's serial killings.
Okay, so... I LOVE this scene. I LOVE their discussion on the rooftop. It's excellent because it's just what Haesoo needs to hear, no matter how harsh Jiwon came across, it was necessary. Haesoo wastes no time in admitting that she knows Jiwon knows everything, and that Hyunsoo had a very justifiable reason for living as Baek Heeseong. I do love how protective she is over her brother, and yet again, she admits to Jiwon that she killed the village foreman and not Hyunsoo. Haesoo, no... she does not think her husband is a dangerous person because they just spent the night before talking about literally everything. Hyunsoo told her everything he could possibly think of. Jiwon loves him unconditionally. She does not think her husband dangerous for a moment.
"Haesoo, Hyunsoo is no longer a little boy that you need to look after. He's the father of my child. He's my family. He's my person. Now, he has a wife who will stand by his side... no matter what happens. He told me his sister is a very kind person. Whenever something bad happened when he was young, he was always the first to be suspected. He told me you always went around telling people he's innocent. He didn't care what other people thought, but you were always the one who cried and felt upset about it. Because you're so kind, he thought you wouldn't be able to endure other people's criticisms. That's why he took the blame. He didn't care what other people thought about him. If you turn yourself in, he'll no longer be a wanted criminal. But he'll feel guilty and indebted to you for the rest of his life. I don't want that. So... please respect your brother's decision. And... you should be the one to feel guilty instead."
"I'm horrible, aren't I?" No, Jiwon. You are not. I won't lie, your words were harsh, but they had to be said. This was totally necessary. They absolutely had to be, because Haesoo needed to understand and know the importance in all of this. She needed to know that her brother is not alone. That he has a loving wife and family to stay by his side. Jiwon tells her that what they talked about today is that if Haesoo recognized any of the victims in regards to her father's crimes and that is supposed to say no. Noona cries and thanks Jiwon for trusting Hyunsoo. Because it's what he needs. A wife to love him, trust him and help him. Haesoo tells Jiwon that while she's still alive, she'll do everything she can to repay her... while she's still alive?? Is anyone else getting possible death flags from Noona...? I'm worried. Really worried about her. Like it has me nervous. If something happens to her after everything Hyunsoo did for her... I just don't even want to think about it.
#flower of evil#lee joon gi#moon chae won#do hyun soo#cha ji won#baek eun ha#lee joongi#moon chaewon#lee junki#lee jun ki#do hyunsoo#cha jiwon#baek heeseong#jang heejin#flower of evil episode 12 thoughts
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(3D lbqfm anon) y'know after reading ur post on it i realized i a) subconsciously noticed the de-gaying and that's probably why i didn't like it and b) somehow didn't notice ANY changes despite the fact that I watched the two versions less than a week apart,,, i thought it was just the new cravat (tho i still don't like it. the old one was better) | also,,,, is it too much trouble to ask why u don't like the 3D assassymphonie? guessing smtg to do w the women | also ur opinion on 3D vaec?
where do i start with miss l'assasymphonie.. btw u can watch the video of the two versions side by side here. and my rant got wayyy too long so ill talk about VAEC in another post ldkjasl
tw: self harm/suicide mention just to be safe
im going to start with minor differences that make me prefer the 2010 version but not hate the 2011 one
first of all his dramatic soft gay sappy ass touching his heart when talking about mozarts music i like that a lot :(
then when he sings "killing out of spite everything i create" he metaphorically stabs himself in 2010 but not in 2011
and i love the first version because its a nice and subtle parallel between how mozarts music makes him feel like (lbqfm) vs how his own music affects him (l'assasymphonie) as i pointed out here before. this is on different levels !! the fact that in lbqfm its his inner gay demon stabbing him, representing mozart(s music) and in l'assasymphonie he stabs himself..... bc he is killing what he creates and what he creates is part of himself... so this isnt about him wanting to kill mozart its about him being self destructive... this is crazy this is just one gesture and i can go on and on about it and honestly my rant will only get more insane.
later he grabs the knife at different moments and in different ways and i think the 2010 version is more dramatic and impactful. the editing helps too, it really made me jump, its all done at the right time. but honestly both are valid to me; i feel like in 2010 hes more angry and impulsive, like its the very first time he thinks about doing something like this, whereas in 2011 he feels sad and defeated, like hes going back to a place he fought very hard to get out of and because of this one guy hes back there, but in the end he recognises its his own fault
another minor difference that i think is worth mentioning, and honestly i like both versions, is what he does at the "senseless (or crazy) symphony" part. in 2010 he almost covers his ears cuz obviously it goes along with the lyrics in a literal sense. meanwhile in 2011 its more of a symbolic interpretation? idk how to word it but 2010 feels like hes just talking about his music and the thoughts inside his head making no sense, but in 2011 when he looks at his writs, his veins, its like he is talking about himself as a whole; a being without any meaning, who is losing his mind, and i like that too
and this difference goes on when he talks about the "disconcerting concert"; 2010 feels like hes literally listening to it around him, his performance in 2010 is overall more dramatic lkjslkd, meanwhile theres none of that in 2011, hes too melancholic to be jumping around
here when hes talking about his talent (or rather lack of) u can see how hes more angry in 2010 and sad in 2011 (honestly this corroborates my theory that at the beginning florent played salieri as a legit evil villain but as it went on he added more depth)
anyways so far both versions are good to me now........ the fucking dancers............... i move away from the mic to breathe in.jpg
theres just. so fucking much going on in 2011. there are a shit ton of people moving around, the flashing lights, the constant zoom in and out, the curtains moving the background, im gonna have a stroke????? l'assasymphonie is such a heavy song, emotionally, and florents performance is amazing on its on theres no fucking need to add 100 more elements!??!? it totally takes away ur focus from salieri ....
my biggest problem is with the dancers as u guessed it cuz honestly idk why they are there, i dont understand the need. i get that they are his inner demons, but not the sexy ones, so they are there to represent his inner turmoil and add a chaos element to the performance and a parallel to lbqfm with the whole hands on salieri part, but its way to obvious that it becomes repetitive! inner demons dancing around a character happens way too much on mor; bim bam boum in a way, j'accuse mon pere, la mascarade, comedie-tragedie, si je defaille, lbqfm and now again?!!?!?!?! bitihc dlajsdlkas
and the worst fucking part to me is when salieri goes to kill the female dancer
.....why whY... WHY.. why make the song literal like this!!! this is not what its about??!?! i know she isnt supposed to be A Person, this isnt him being A Murderer, she is him in a way but ?? we already saw him almost killing himself??!!? why repeat that, this is just so unnecessary and it doesnt sit right with me why make him stab a woman!! it makes my blood boil. it takes away all the drama from the other scene, of him with the knife on his wrist, because it is essentially the same!
now lets discuss why i prefer the lost half naked blindfolded men. is it because its gay? yes. is it because of the kinky element? yes. u see how that creates a parallel to lbqfm but in a subtle way? yes thank you.
to elaborate i feel like the 2010 dancers represent his psyche at the moment soooo much better. its not just simply his inner demons haunting him again, making it repetitive.
his is how i interpret it and how it relates to salieri:
the blindfold: god it can mean so much... above all i think its his envy and anger blinding him, making him feel lost and afraid. but it can also represent how salieri is a stern man, he only sees things one way and is blinded to other possibilities, other ways of living. because he is so narrow minded, so used to just following the status quo, he doesnt understand mozart and how his carefree way of life is working for him. he doesnt understand his conflicted feelings towards mozart. he doesnt understand how mozarts music can be so unconventional and yet beautiful, etc etc. his world was shattered and he feels lost because of this one little guy
but honestly i think the intention was to give a shoutout to amadeus lmao which is still cool. they do mention in MOR that mozart can play blindfolded so u can view as a parallel to that too
the lack of clothes: around mozart salieri feels naked but not in a sexy and fun way, in vulnerable and seen for the first time way. imagine how strongly he considered changing his name and moving countries after the whole eh bien, maestro? trop de notes? ordeal..... he was caught off guard in that situation so he let the truth out way too much, but he knows he cant fake it around mozart any other time either
their behaviour: they look afraid, lost, in pain and are constantly falling, getting up, then falling again and being pushed up against the wall by something invisible (to me its mozarts music/influence) and honestly i dont have to say anything else ! its all there !!! it represents salieris emotions perfectly !!!!!
in summary, to me the 2010 dancers dont have a lot to do with the lyrics of the song and i think thats good. they are there to add a new element to it, to let us see inside salieris head, while salieri himself is performing what the lyrics are about. so on the other hand i think the 2011 dancers are repetitive and unnecessary, not adding anything new to the performance
#final thoughts: maybe the 2010 choreo was too ahead of its time for certain people so they changed it.....#anyways that was so fucking long i hope at least half of it makes sense#l'assasymphonie#asks#mor thoughts#3d anon
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BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE .
okay, first off I JUST HIT 100 FOLLOWERS after a matter of like 6 days... how??? ---- though i’m completely unsure why people stick around, or love me or even want to roleplay with my trash ass. i’ve not had an easy time with some horrendous experiences in this community and i wanted to give some love to the people that keep me staying, because all i wanna do is yell about them all the time. azalea has been a crutch to me in the hardest times of my life, i created her after the loss of my grampa and all my anguish and pain went into trying to do something positive, and with the amount of loss in my life, it was nice to do something beneficial. and i look back to creating her, and meeting all these incredible individuals along the way, and it’s honestly a blessing. i wasn’t going to bring her back, but the response i’ve had, the love, the hype has honestly melted my heart and i could never ever thank anyone enough for that. but here, have me shouting about my love for you all in a post <333
IF I MISS ANYONE, I’M TRULY SORRY. IT’S MY ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER FUCKING ME OVER. but i love you all <3333
so some special mentions ( or a lot bc i can’t CHOOSE ), these are people i talk to regularly, that i consider my best, and closest friends on this hellsite. you don’t know how much impact you’ve had on my life, but i have to let you know. they are in NO particular order, just the list i’ve written down on my notebook, because i have add and it’s a fucking party in my brain lmao. :)))
@damncockroach / @damnbrazen ----- becks, my love, my aNGEL, my bestie. you don’t even need me to say how much you mean to me, or how much i love you because i try to make sure i remind you constantly. you came into my life in a time that i really fucking needed someone, someone to show me what true best friends are, to pick me up, to be there and just ??? never leave. someone i can count on constantly, and you’re always willing to help me. to shower me with hype and love, and i’ve lost count how many times i’ve cried down the phone to you and you’ve calmed me down, and given the best advice, or made me feel valid in my emotions. you don’t know the impact you have on people becks, you’re honestly one of the best people i’ve met in my entire life. i know they say you get soul mates in forms of best friends, and i truly believe you’re mine. you’ve been there for me through some of the most horrendous times in my entire life, and you stood by me and that in itself deserves a medal. i love you more than words could ever possibly express, and i count myself extremely lucky to call you my best friend, i honestly appreciate you so much. you just get me, we can communicate in person with just looks, and that proves our bond tbh. you’re my rock. getting to know you, to know you out of writing and exist in a writing world with you is incredibly special, and like you said in your original tags: in fantasy and reality, till death do us part. i don’t think i’ve ever had a friend who is so selfless, so down to earth, and so compassionate and puts people before themselves until you. i’ll always be here to remind you what a BABE you are, how incredibly vital you are to not only me but to this world. your one of the good ones. and your talent?? is fucking astounding, i get to be inspired by you and write with you and just learn from your insane gift, because you breathe life into words. you gift me with replies, with characters and i scream over them forever, and i can’t even say how in awe i am of you. the love and depth you put into crafting your ocs, or putting them into canons too, just is crazy, and i will never stop yelling about you. you deserve all the hype, both in the roleplay world and the real world. five years of friendship aNGEL !!!! i can’t wait for us to be besties when we’re 80 and can bitch about people still. what i’m trying to say is, you’ve saved my life, more times than you know, and i wouldn’t still be breathing without you. i owe you a load for that, and i love you endlessly, more than words could ever capture. you make this rpc worth being in, because with you beside me, i can face anything. i love you bubba, so much. i’m so proud of the person you’ve become, who you are, you’re a diamond and i am blessed to know you. keep being your kickass self <3333
@damnbrutal / @fearmer / @phoenique ----- lunaaa , my love , the sweetest of angels. my lil norwegian babe !!!! is there even words to sum you up either??? let me start by saying how i can’t encapsulate how sweet you are, you’re like sunshine personified. literally, the brightest light and you deserve the fucking world, honestly. meeting you was always meant to be, i truly believe that, and i can’t ever say how much i love you. you have been there to capture me when i fall, to offer insane words of wisdom that comfort me, to bless me with your presence when i’m breaking over voice chat. when my grampa was dying, or had died, you were the biggest comfort, you have no idea how much your presence, your pure heart helped me out of such a horrendous place. you got how i was feeling, you were sensitive to the subject, and careful and you put your heart and soul into bringing me into a lighter place. i can’t even express how much i’m gonna give you a MASSIVE squeeze when we see each other finally!!!! you are one of the best human beings i’ve ever met, just the most down to earth, so pure, so willing to help others, and i can’t ever thank you or yell about you enough. you give such a HUGE amount to your friends, you’re always there to lend a ear, to offer us support across the ocean, and i truly can’t even express how much that means. you’re a fucking diamond, okay??? let’s get yelling about your talent, your creativity will forever astound me. from your writing to your graphics, you’re truly fucking gifted, and i’ve learned so much off you. you’re a fucking inspiration in itself. you’ve always shown me that i have the strength to overpower such negative forces in my life, and keep going, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that honestly, like i don’t think words will ever be as sufficient enough. you’ve put such love into your original characters, like mazia owns my aSS you know this, she is so fucking important to not only azalea but to me. because you blessed me with this incredibly creative and in depth crafted character and i love her like she’s my own character. you can truly see how much you love writing her, and the craft and everything and i truly believe you’re one of the best writers on this site. our babies and their bond make me SOB, like they hit me right in the heart and i still weep over how mazia comes down to find out her best friend, her soul mate is gone. they have a bond that WE have, we bled that into them, i can see that so clearly, like you’re my person. and i adore u <333 let’s not forget about the love of theo’s life either, odETTE. he adores her. god i get emo just thinking about them, and every single one of our babies. it’s INSANE to me that someone who lives across the world can mean more to me than the majority of the friends i’ve known in real life. you’re just SO important to me. i just love you a whole lot, words won’t ever capture it, and i appreciate you, i’m so grateful. thank u for being u. <3333
@hewolf ------- ANI, the loml. while we haven’t wrote on here, it didn’t feel right NOT including you, because you’ve been in my life since day one of roleplay. like when i look back for a constant in my life, there you are, making me laugh and being your INSANE, and down to earth self. god, how am i ever supposed to put into words just how much i love you?? like you know it knows NO bounds. i don’t think there’s a person other than family for me who’s been there for me through everything in my life, from start to finish of all the bullshit i’ve been through, other than you. you were there when i got my heart broken for the first time, when i lost my gran, grampa and my other grampa, when i had a miscarriage, you have been there and picked me up when i felt like i didn’t wanna be here anymore. and you did it like it was NOTHING, like it was easy, and i’m so inspired by you as a person. by your strength, and you’re honestly the most hilarious person i’ve ever met. like i can’t say how much i look forward to your snapchats every day, how much they make me smile and laugh, especially in our current predicament of the pandemic. you’re a true joy, and you’ve been there to support me always. can you believe we’ve been besties for ten years next year???? like it’s crazy to me. i just know that you’re someone i’m gonna have in my life forever, and i don’t ever want to NOT have you around. i know lately you’ve had the WORST time, and i can relate to it, all i wanna do is be there as best i can, and it’s hard with shit going on, i wish i could drive up to you and just give you a squeeze and try and take your mind off it all. but i can’t. and that sucks !!!! god, do you remember where we started???? facebook fuckin roleplay??? i cringe at the thought but they are times i truly hold dear to my heart, because i look at the development we’ve both had over the years as writers, though you’ve ALWAYS been an incredible writer. i look back at myself and i’m like?? who fuckin let her write??? you’re the reason i joined tumblr roleplay, like you dragged my ass to it, and it’s insane how long it’s been, how much my life has changed. you’re so down to earth, and out of everyone i’ve met on this hell site, and in life in general, you’re one of the most REAL individuals i’ve met and it’s so inspiring??? you’re just so eloquent in your writing and you should have MORE FAITH in yourself because bubby you’re so talented. i adore you so much, words will never capture it. i know that i can legit just ring you like i have previous, crying down the phone and you’ll be there. you’ve helped me through so much and i value you so much, you’re a diamond, one of the best individuals i’ve met. you deserve the WORLD, all the happiness, because you are a fucking light, you’re one of the good ones in life. i love you bubby <33333
@racointeur ----- BEE, my baby, one of the best friends i’ve ever had. god, where do i start with you ??? without choking up because that’s gonna be hard. let me first start by saying, i’m so proud of you, so proud of your strength, because you’ve been through some of the hardest shit as of late and i wish more than anything i could be there to cuddle you, to support you better than i could here. no one ever deserves what you’ve been through, but ESPECIALLY NOT you, you are the kindest person with the BIGGEST heart of gold. all you do for others, is so clear to see, because you’ve always put people before yourself and it truly shows how GOOD of a person you are. you came into my life when i needed someone too, we bonded instantly over shadowhunters and our love for our babies jace / izzy, and instantly a bond came and i can’t ever explain how vital you are to me now. days could pass or even weeks, and when we talk?? it’s like no time has passed. there’s never any obligation or anger if we both fall off the grid. you KNOW how important our friendship is to me. you’re one of my fave individuals to write with. we’ve facetimed crying over the hardships of life, or even laughed until our sides hurt, i remember that one night when we spoke about simon biting izzy and how we were howling with laughter. it’s a memory that legit sticks in my mind, and makes me all warm and fuzzy. in this life, i’ve realised you’ve gotta stay close to the people who feel like sunlight, the truly GOOD people and you’re one of them. i know i can always message you, WITH any issue, or just to yell about our babies and you’ll be accepting and that in itself shows how deep our friendship goes, you’re so accepting, so supportive and i just love you more than words. your writing is something i admire so much, you’re so talented, so eloquent and i just ??? aspire to be that gifted okay, you can see your love for each and every character in your threads and i think EVERYONE should go love on you, because you deserve the hype, and the love the most. you’ve helped me down from ledges where i legit didn’t want to live anymore, you’ve put up with my bullshit and i can NEVER thank u enough for that. here we are THREE years almost four years later, still stuck to each other like glue bc u bet i’m not letting you GO at all, and still best friends. i admire you so much, i learn so much from you from your strength and i don’t think i could ever say enough what you mean to me. you’re just purely talented, an incredible individual and i can’t wait to meet you when this shit is all over and i’m finished with uni so i can fly out to see you and give you a MASSIVE squeeze. you’re one of my fave individuals ever in life and i just adore you so so so much. i love you bee. you’re honestly world class, and just a joy to know. <33333
@lethaelite ------ MANDI , you superhuman babe !!!!! gosh, i love you endlessly, i can’t even begin to express, but it feels like we’ve been friends forever and i honestly can’t imagine a time without you in my life and i ???? don’t want to. you’re one of the most intelligent individuals i’ve ever met, like you can see it so much in your writing, you put so much into the characters. like clarke???? i accept nO other portrayal than yours, because you just know her so much, at this point?? she’s your oc. i love writing with her, and with octavia too, like octavia’s relationship with azalea is so important and it melts me, i just can’t help but get soft over them all the time. how azalea has broken down o’s walls. how they’re ride or die, all of it is fucking adorable. and SUCH development. i’m so glad becks dragged ur ass to tumblr so you can showcase your talent, everyone needs to KNOW how gifted you are!!!! let’s circle back to your talent, let’s talk about you. you’re a diamond okay? a pure selfless individual with the biggest heart, and i’m so blessed to get to know you, to be able to call you one of my best friends, and you’ve embraced me as a person, as a writer since we’ve met, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that. you’ve listened to me yell about some of the hardest times of my life, you’ve listened and understood and kept it to yourself and it means everything and more to me. let’s not FORGET that you’re a fierce badass individual, you’re so strong and i’m so proud of all you’ve battled through, because i get to learn from your experience and guidance and words. i look up to you SO much, i wish i had your outlook on life, like i wish i had your strength because it’s incredible bubba. honestly!!! you don’t realise the impact you’ve had either, you have helped me through so much. you’re kind, down to earth, and charismatic and hilarious and just a fucking joy to have around. i can’t wait for you to come over here, because honestly we’re gonna have some insane memories to look back on, and you deserve that break and a new surrounding more than anyone honestly. i just can’t ever yell about you enough, you’re beyond talented, you have the BIGGEST heart and you’re one of the good ones in a world of bad. i can’t wait for all the threads we get to do, all the character development and everything. i know i can throw anything at you thread wise and you’ll be down for it, i love how much you YELL about threads and the reactions, because it truly shows me your excitement!! i just adore you so much and i can’t ever thank you for being you, for impacting my life how you have, and i’m thankful and appreciative to get you to be in my life. i LOVE you <3333
@damnpain / @armyranger ------ VIC ------- god where do i begin with you ???? i used to ALWAYS fangirl over you, like i would be heart eyes at your blogs from far away because i was always terrified to approach because your level of talent fucking astounds me. like you honestly have no clue how much i look up to you as a person, you honestly are another whole level of talent. and now i’ve gotten to know you, and you’ve quickly become one of my best friends because you have the sweetest fucking heart, you honestly make being on tumblr a pleasure, and your incredibly soft and kind heart is something i’m so thankful to get to witness. we’ve bonded over our own hardships both irl and in the community and it’s nice having someone who GETS it, who understands exactly where i’m coming from, it’s nice to know i’m not alone. you’re like my very own hand to hold, and i value you so fucking much honestly. you’re honestly a sweetheart, and you deserve the literal WORLD. you make me laugh so much, and you are so welcoming and knowing i can just yell at you about our babies, really makes my day and i’m so thankful you get as excited as i do. apollo literally OWNS my ass, you’ve put your entire heart into him and he is so important to azalea, so vital to her and i can’t wait to develop them and their relationship more because it’s something i’m so excited about. god don’t get me started on how HEARTBREAKING his story is, his backstory makes me well up with tears, poor baby deserves such a break, he’s the cutest angel, and i love him. as i love ALL of your ocs, you know this. i’m always gonna be here to hype you up, because you’re just outstanding, a true fucking icon. i remember how much you inspired me from when i saw your max blog so getting to call you one of my best friends now is !!!! amazing to me, but also, you’ve calmed me down when i’m spiralling, listened to my problems and issues and been happy to deal with them and it just shows how much of a selfless person you are. you are always more than happy to help, and i love you endlessly and more. and i’m so thankful we found each other even in the wake of all the shit i’ve been through lately, because you’ve become a rock to me, i adore you so much, your incredible nature, sweet and welcoming and i know i can talk to you about everything. thank you for being your amazing, sweet, and truly extraordinary self, because you honestly DESERVE the world, all the happiness and stuff. i know i’ve found another best friend for life in you, you’re an angel. i love love love you vic, keep being YOU, because you’re just out of this world, a true good person. A DIAMOND <333333
@tragedyhymns / @damnbrain ------ SUN !!!! my sweet angel, god how do i even begin to describe you or put into words my love for you ???? everytime i talk to you, you make my heart swell because you’re just so fucking sweet. you’re beyond considerate and just one of the nicest individuals i’ve ever met in this hellish community. you’ve been nothing but a support to me, and i don’t ever want us to part. i’ve kept you close from the moment we met in the shadowhunters fandom over three years ago now, and i’m sorry to say but you’re not getting away from me, ever. i just adore you with my entire heart. i’m so proud of the person you are , i’m so proud that i GET to call you a best friend of mine . let me say i’m SO fucking proud of you for kicking ass with your education , like even when it feels like everything is getting too much and you’re having so much going on ooc??? you power through like the WARRIOR you are, and i’m beaming with pride over you. because honestly, if there’s anyone who deserves to succeed in life??? it’s you. your talent is astounding, we’ll come to your writing, but your GRAPHICS???? like you’re an ASSET to that career you’re going to have. you’re going to have such an insane career, i am always taken aback by what you can make and create, like share some of that talent pls. never LET anyone bring you down. you’re truly fucking remarkable. i also have to commend your writing talent, because you bring characters to life with such a love, such a depth and admiration that i am always in awe of you. matty and cris are by far my favorite babies, like matty is so vital to azalea and the story we have created for them is one of my favourites, like it is so IMPORTANT to me, i can’t even thank you enough for it. i also have to yell about how much you took on by creating ash, and making him your own, and i love being affiliated with you. you’re so eloquent, so in depth and so talented, you bleed EVERYTHING into your writing and graphics and it shows. you’re a treasure. you mean everything and more to me, you’re just a fucking angel, i love you. you’re a light —- i appreciate you so much and i won’t ever be able to thank you for that . you’ve made me smile on the most horrific of days , you’ve been there to listen when things are falling apart . you’ve been there through a lot, and i love you endlessly. just know how important you are to me, i will forever be here to rave about you as a person, your talent. never leave me o k ?? because i’ll actually fucking cry because you mean so much to me!!!! never forget how loved , how incredible you are , and how much we all STAN you i love you, you fucking cutie. <3333
@damnsamurai / @iswarholy / @skailante ----- ZAWN !!!!! god,,, i love YOU. i have gotten the opportunity to have you in my life for the past three years and even though we lost touch??? it’s like no TIME has passed, because you’ve embraced me, thrown nothing but love at me and just been a fucking angel. you’re one of the good ones on this site, like we reconnected and within like three days i had made an oc to be affiliated with yours because i fucking ADORE you. my opinion of you since we first met, hasn’t changed. i thought you were truly blessed with an astounding talent then, and if anything, i’m even more convinced of that now, because i am just constantly in awe of your characters, of your portrayal of octavia because holy fuck babe, it’s so GOOD, so indepth. you truly bleed complete depth and understanding into her, as if she’s your actual character and not jroths or the original writers. actually, let’s say she’s yours because you show her more fucking love, lets be real here. let me also tell you, how much your little messages about how much you love me on discord everyday, they truly make my day. because i’ve had a fucking horrendous time as of late with some shitty times irl and in the community and you’ve become a rock. you’ve shown me there’s some people left who are intrinsically kind, who have nothing but a GOOD regard to people. you’re someone who deserves the literal world, because you’re just a fucking diamond, just pure through and through. and your talent??? god i love writing our babies saff and orion, we created them, wrote them and i was hooked instantly, like i am complete trash for our babies and for YOU, because you’re so beyond talented, so gifted. i am shook at you all of the time, please TEACH me your ways, pls pls. i also know that i can approach you to yell about things, or throw muse posts at you, and you’ll be accepting. thank you for embracing me, for being so accepting, so sweet to me and an astounding friend, i count you as one of my best friends. i honestly don’t think words could ever say how grateful i am for you, but i hope this makes you smile. you’re a credit to this fandom, and i can’t wait to write more with you, to yell more and for this beautiful friendship to continue. i love you, bIG UP THE RIDDEN FAM, love you always, please never forget how truly extraordinary you are, because i’ll always be here to tell you. i don’t want to be in this fandom ever without YOU <3333
@waldenborn / @geneticassassin ----- LILLY --------- U ANGEL… i don’t even know how i can ever express my true gratitude for you, for always being there when i need someone, for being your truly amazing self. and also for embracing azalea from the very beginning when i made her, i was such a heart eyes fan girl over you because damn… helo is so well crafted, so in depth and just everything i aspire to create within my own oc’s. you have always truly thought him through, put so much love and creativity into him and that in itself has always astounded me, i think i’ll always be someone who fangirls over you. i was terrified to reach out at first, just because i’m a ball of anxiety and you always made me completely at ease, and even when we go weeks without talking, without interacting at all, it’s like NO time has passed. we just pick up as we left off, and i know there’s never ANY pressure and it makes me feel safe, and like i can truly be myself. you’re truly world class, and i can never thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me, honestly. i don’t think i could ever put it into words, but you mean everything to me and to a zillion more people in this fandom, you’re a big ball of sunshine, of love, and you’re a true angel to have around. A CREDIT. i can never thank you for accepting me, hyping me up and wanting to write with me, honestly writing with you makes me SUPER happy because i get to craft such amazing character relationships with you, but also because i get to be astounded by your incredible replies all of the time. i get so !!!! at seeing you on the dash bc dATS my babyyyyy. our development with azalea / helo always melts me, from them meeting in mount weather, to falling for each other and then facing the end of the world together, living their peaceful life on earth for six years, undisturbed. they deserved that happiness !!!! helo is so important to azalea, like he’s a huge part of her life, and i love our talks about them, and you always yelled at me about how much you loved my characters even when i wasn’t writing azalea on tumblr anymore. i always felt that support from you, and you have no idea how much it helped me out of so many dark places. i also adored writing bellamy / gabby with you because they own my aSS, and octavia and helo because hearing all your headcanons about his love of octavia and how protective of me always BLEW my mind. fancy sharing some of that talent, please???? i am just forever in awe of you. i count myself lucky to know someone like you. the world needs more GOOD souls like you. just know how much of an impact on my life you’ve had, you deserve the hype you talented lil baby. I LOVE YOU <33333
@damnstory / @azgedaspy ----- KAT ---- u sWEET angel <3333 first off, let me YELL about how much of a fucking vital individual you are to this community, like while we don’t have to ask permission to be part of the “damn” family, you’ve brought together a group of writers, and everyone fucking ADORES you because you’re down to earth. you’re so sweet, and so fucking lovely. like i don’t think words even capture my adoration of you. from the moment we met, you did nothing but embrace me, nothing but BUILD me up, keep reminding me how much i was a strong person, or a zillion and one other sweet things you said. i can never thank you enough for that, as someone who’s really been through it in the fandom with people that i didn’t deserve or ask for, it was nice for someone to validate me and make me feel like ???? i was wanted around. you helped my mental state more than words ever could truly express, i love you endlessly for that, as it shows just HOW good of a person you are. you have one of the kindest hearts i’ve met, and your talent forever leaves me taken aback. you know i’m so trash for your echo, like the ONLY echo i’ll accept, i’ll be honest. like at this rate, she’s your character in my eyes, because wow, the depth, the love, the UNDERSTANDING you’ve put into her. it just is incomparable. and now you’re bringing the loml bellamy blake to life, and gOD DAMN you’re so fucking good at him, you never make any excuses for his behaviour, you hold him accountable and i love throwing angsty threads of my ocs, or charas calling him out on his bullshit because you know i’m a SLUT for some angst. you bring him to life, and it’s so brilliant, like truly you’re a talent, so in depth and so much effort goes into it, and it’s appreciated, it’s something i ADMIRE, you deserve all the hype and more. you’re one of the best writers i’ve ever come across, and i have no other choice but to STAN, always and forever. you showed me that there’s some good left on this site . you showed me that i can still make friends that i trust and love , and to never be intimidated to talk to people, because we both know i’ve been terrified to talk to people before. i always fangirled over you before and i STILL do, you’re just a fucking angel who deserves the entire world and more. like truly a treasure, i count you as one of my best friends on this site, a person who is so encompassingly good, that it makes the community a JOY to be in. i love you kat, keep being your incredible self, and throwing your talent into the community, because i’ll always be here to yell about it. you’re just world class and i love you so much. <3333
@damnbetray ------ BEAN, god if there’s anyone who’s a fucking CUTIE in this fandom, it’s YOU. i can’t ever express how much i love you or how much you make me laugh. you are just beyond talented, i can’t wait to write with you and develop our characters together. but more than anything, you’re just a SWEETHEART, who has validated how i’ve felt lately, you’ve made me feel at ease when my world was falling apart. you’ve stayed and HYPED me up, made me feel empowered to do what’s BEST for me, and made sure to tell me i’m doing what’s right and i can never thank you enough for that. you’ve got the kindest heart, like truly, i can’t even express how much i adore you, words will never EVER encompass that enough. you’re one of the sweetest babes i’ve met and i LOVE getting to yell about things to you, like spending the very late hours of the evening with you on voice chat, laughing our heads off about how stupid our languages or hometowns are. like comparing sayings, it honestly made my night. after such discomfort i’ve experienced, i can’t even explain how much that means to me, getting some company, someone who UNDERSTANDS my horrendous hysteria. you deserve the WORLD bubby, honestly. you’re the cutest babe. and your accent is SO ADORABLE, i want it... i’m jealous. also, your ocs are so well crafted, i am in awe at your talent to bring characters to life, how you’ve put your love, soul and heart into creating them, it shows how much you adore writing and how much they mean to you and i can’t wait for our soft grounder babies to meet. azalea will LOVE on her so much, like just you WAIT. i’m so grateful for our little squad, not only making me feel at ease in this fandom, but being a support network i so desperately needed, like we ALL need that love. and i don’t care WHAT you say but ur a fucking talent at not only writing but fucking graphics bc what you created was legit fucking INSANELY incredible, like i’m jealous pls teach me ur ways, thank u. you’ve been a fucking angel to me since we met , and i can’t imagine life without you and i don’t wanna . it’s like we’ve been friends forever , and i love that . you’re a friend i’m blessed to have. thank you for being you. i LOVE U so much, and i’ll be here ALWAYS to hype you up because you deserve the hype, all of it. soak it up <3333
OTHERS I LOVE, that if i had the energy to write MORE about i would but they’re my squad and I ADORE them, they truly inspire me so much, and i value all of them, like as MONTY would say, the GOOD guys : @mythso ; @mythcals ; @mieczlw ; @heroach ; @roseguided ; @buriedwoes ; @hevives ; @trageday ; @mudwoven ; @coyoted ; @pahriahs ----- you ALL deserve the world, your talent truly astounds me and your presence in this fandom has truly not only melted my heart but made this place a safe space for me, a place of warmth. you ALL are aware of how much i love you from how much i’ve yelled at you previously, and if i could fight through this chronic illness pain right now to talk about you all individually i WOULD, but my meds aren’t working. your writing is incomparable in talent, like the depth, the love you put in, and how you’re all so DOWN to earth, such softies and so welcoming and accepting of me???? i can’t thank you enough. you all deserve ever OUNCE of hype. like you accepted azalea, or any other muse i’ve written and that in itself means everything and more to me, i don’t think words will ever truly express. for someone who’s insanely anxiety riddled after some shit ooc, and in the community, it melts me when i find people with nothing but GOOD intentions, because it proves that there are STILL good people out there. i count you as my closest friends, and i adore writing with you and can’t wait to do it more. just know you’ve had the biggest of impacts on me, that by just BEING you, and sharing your gift, you’ve made me happy, made this place ALL the more better, and words will never do you justice. you’re all SWEETHEARTS, and a credit to the community. i ADORE you and love you all so so so much. <3333
MORE PEOPLE I LOOK UP TO AND WANT TO INTERACT WITH , BUT I’M BUT AN ANXIETY RIDDLED BABE SO PLEASE THROW YOURSELVES AT ME : --- @commaender ; @commandied ; @azhefa ; @azgona ; @astralgenius ; @brotheir ; @darkseen ; @damnfoxed ; @damnbrace ; @damnloyal ; @shenomaly ; @damnbird ; @damnguard ; @damnalone ; @earthsheir ; @earthreina ; @fatalruin ; @futuresees ; @fatalrisk ; @genetictraitor ; @glassae ; @graunfisop ; @holykissed ; @hqppier ; @heroicis ; @imperrator ; @knowsdeath ; @komfolaui ; @laendon ; @lovkyna ; @lovefray ; @mortaele ; @mortaele ; @nextleveldamaged ; @otvblake ; @puresthearted ; @pyrorize ; @praesaes ; @preytend ; @runegiven ; @sunhken ; @tribrids ; @warstroyed ; @wanlidas ; @avgustia .
if i missed anyone !!! i’m sorry, my add makes it super hard to REMEMBER and focus, BUT i adore you and look up to you so much <333
#i. out of character. / appreciation post .#!!!!!!!!#i love you ALL#thank u for embracing me#for making me feel welcome#i love u all#<3333#loss mention tw#loss tw
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Tell Me a Lie (NH) Ch 1
Word count: 1,514
Warnings: Swearing
Slightly frustrated, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and then twisted it into a messy bun. I set my classic square, thick rimmed, black glasses on my face and I continued on trying to read the final turnaround manuscript for Stone Cold. It was the first book of the trilogy that my best friend and I wrote through college. We decided to finally take the initiative to self-publish it.
My bachelor’s was in English, with a concentration in creative writing. I was an editor for a company based in London, United Kingdom while I lived in the United States. I wasn’t ready to move across the ocean yet.
I bit down on my black ballpoint pen, concentrating on the words. It was the read through before I’d make it into a PDF with InDesign. This was the time to make any last minute changes we wanted, which was both exciting and nerve-wracking. As my meadow eyes flowed across the paper, I barely made any marks.
I glanced at the time on my phone and cursed under my breath.
It was 6:00 pm. I needed to change my editing to the current manuscripts for work.
Fuck.
I marked my spot before I closed the binder and switched it out with the Rivals binder. There was a ding from my laptop before I could get indulged, and noticed Skype had pulled up. I furrowed my eyebrows and my heart skipped a bit when I saw his name and picture. I answered and adjusted my position so I was facing it more.
His blue eyes filled my vision, literally.
“Niall, back the fuck up.”
His laugh sounded and he backed his phone away now. I was getting a wonderful view of bare chest hair and double chin now.
“Laureeeen.”
“Niaaalll,” I mocked.
He was obviously tired, but he wouldn’t sleep until he wanted to. He was a stubborn motherfucker like that, I’ve learned over the past few years. It didn’t matter what timezone he was in compared to me. Currently, he was six hours ahead.
He made a short laugh. “How’s it going?”
I shrugged as I brought my legs up to my chest and peered over them with my chin resting on my knees. “Alright, I had to stop the final editorial for Stone Cold and switch to one for work. Spent more time on it than I intended… It’ll be a late night.”
“Hast doth serious?”
I made a small snort, laughing a little more. “Ye, hast doth tots serious. Why ist ye calling doth?”
Niall laughed. “Doth hast a plan to present thee.”
“Ok. Can thee stop speaketh like thisth?”
“Yes.”
I smiled. “What plan are you talking about?”
“I want you to be my next PR girlfriend.”
I busted out laughing, hysterically. It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t stop.
“Kelly, love, I’m serious. This is a legit business offer.”
I stopped now, clearing my throat. “Really?”
Niall nodded, ruffling a hand through his hair.
“Why me? How did you come to the conclusion of having me as a PR girlfriend?”
He chuckled under his breath and sat up more on the couch. “Well… It’s just… Management thought it’s time for another PR girlfriend. I chose you because I thought you’d be able to handle it... and I don’t hate you.”
“Good to know.” I smirked, but that didn’t stop the butterflies in my stomach. “I’m not quite saying yes yet, and I’m not saying there has to be something in it for me… but is there?”
He nodded. “Yeah, the deal would be one tweet from me official account to promote the Stone Cold trilogy with the link, and Modest! will pay off all the student loan debts you have.”
My eyes went a little wide and I took a slow, deep breath. “That’s quite the trade, Nialler. I don’t know if I could accept all that for being your fake girlfriend.”
“Lauren, trust me, the trade is enough for what you might endure. It might not even be enough, now that I think about it. I sort of hate myself now for even thinking of dragging you in.”
I shook my head. “Niall… Don’t worry.”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You’re saying yes?”
“Yes. So, how is this going to work exactly?”
“Before we can even do anything, I’m gonna send ya papers to sign. Just formal stuff and liability.”
“Of course, of course,” I replied. My mind raced to how we would go about this, and I knew it would involve paparazzi. Photos would be spread everywhere and there would be no going back after it started.
I bit the inside of my cheek as I played with the cap of my pen.
“What’re you thinking, Kelly?” Niall questioned, worry underlying his tone.
I cleared my throat. “I’m not backing out, I promise. I just know that once it starts, there’s no going back. It’ll take time to adjust.”
“I’ll be there every step of the way. Our first thing will be getting photos of us in public together and the fandom will kick it off from there… We’ll confirm it eventually. Then have an interview or two and events with red carpets.”
“Okay.” I nodded with a slightly heavy sigh. “Sounds easy enough. When’re you thinking we’ll do the first photos?”
He let out a heavy sigh, causing his front ends to fly up momentarily, and then he couldn’t help himself from ruffling his hand through them. “If we can get the paperwork sorted in the next day or two, I was thinking in roughly two weeks. Location is still to be decided.”
“Okay. It’ll be great to see you in person again. We haven’t in over a year.”
“Yeah, well I was busy with the tour,” he remarked with a chuckle.
“I know, the last time I saw you was the Chicago show.”
He scoffed. “I can’t believe you bought the meet and greet. I got you backstage after the show.”
I rolled my eyes. “I wanted to support one of my best friends. We got a great photo to commemorate.”
“You’re right.” He lightly rolled his eyes.
“What’s our cute meet story?” I asked, randomly considering it. I felt that it would be important for the fans to think we were believable.
He smirked, his blue eyes brightening. “We met in London at a coffee shop a few years back by chance and continued to talk from there. I asked you out around my 25th birthday and you cried, saying yes. We’ve been together since… Good, right? I made up the story meself.”
I giggled. “Yeah, it’s good. So we’ve been together for over a year?... And I don’t think I cried. I think you cried after I said yes.”
“Shut the fuck up, Kelly. How about no one cried then, yeah?”
“Deal.” I stood up now and prepared my keurig to make a cup of decaf coffee. I needed something if I was going to get anything done after this call. I knew I spent too much time on personal projects; it was a constant fight.
“Coffee, eh?” he snickered.
I looked at him with an amused grin. “Always. But it’s decaf, a pick me up to get me through the rest of the work.”
Niall nodded. “Been there. Had some long studio sessions recently that led to a few cups of tea.”
“Man, I wish I hadn’t run out of my grey tea.” I would’ve preferred that for a night of editing. Coffee was more of an early morning and afternoon beverage.
“You’re so basic,” he teased. “Where have the lessons I’ve taught you gone?”
I rolled my eyes. “In one ear and out the other.” I couldn’t help laughing at the offended look on his face. “I’m joking. Hey look, I should let you go so you get some sleep and I can get editing done.”
He yawned lightly. “Perfect. Goodnight, Lauren. Text ya soon.”
“You too.”
We made small waves and smiles before we ended the call. His face took a while to fade away from my mind. Honestly, it probably won't be until tomorrow. He was just so unforgettable and without a doubt the bestest friend to have. He could always make me smile on my lowest of days. Now we were going to possibly be a PR couple.
Well this was fucking mad. I guess it was time for life to throw me another curveball to change my life; for better or for worse. I was going to go with it head on.
I wasn’t sure how much I’d tell my friends and family at the moment. I should wait for the contract and see what my guidelines were. I knew that included my social media so I was going to go silent for a bit until it was settled.
My eyes read the black ink on the paper, but my mind wasn’t registering anything. Fuck, I needed to focus. This wasn’t set and done yet. It shouldn’t be a concern for me at this point of time.
Next: Ch 2
[Masterlist]
#Niall Horan#Niall Horan fic#Niall Horan fanfiction#romance#drama#comedy#Tell Me a Lie#Niall Horan fluff
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921
LOL was gone for a while to attempt doing that ridiculous 5000 survey myself again and I really thought I was going to breeze through it this time. 2 1/2 weeks and 2500 questions later, I need a fucking break. Need normal surveys plz.
What was the best thing to happen to you this week?
Got to visit Gabie today! I brought Cooper as well so that she, her sisters, and their puppy Tofu could finally meet him. Fun day, but I am beat. The blackout yesterday also made me revisit painting, and that felt so good too.
Where do you put your keys when you get home?
It always differs, idk why I never picked up a routine. Sometimes I set it on the dining table, other times on the decorative table in the living room, and other times I bring it up with me to my room.
Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee?
I preferred hot (warm would be more accurate) for the longest time but once I went iced, I never wanted to go back.
What's your phone background picture?
I recently changed my lock screen to one of Audrey Hepburn. My home screen is still Hayley Williams.
If you could move to any country, what would it be?
Anywhere with a clean and honest government sounds like heaven.
Have you ever seen a snake in the wild?
No. Can’t say there’s a lot of them here in the city, and I’ve never seen any in my trip to provinces either.
What's your favourite movie from the 80s?
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Do you have any posters, paintings or other artwork on your walls?
I have at least one of each of these, yes.
What would your dream wedding be like?
Huge. I’d want a long guest list, expansive food choices, and acts that can provide good music throughout the evening. I never really throw parties for myself, so I would want at least my own wedding to be big.
Would you ever take a trip to space if given the chance?
Yesssssss.
How do you cope with anxiety?
I'm lucky to have found different outlets, so that said I usually choose from taking surveys, watching a favorite channel on YouTube, turning to my dogs, going to social media to see dumb memes, or taking a nap altogether. Of course there’ll always be those days where none of these work out and I’ll have to just cry through the anxiety attacks until they’re over.
Are you expecting any phone calls or emails?
I’m expecting an email from my college, yes. I’m currently applying for civil service eligibility and they’re asking for documents that only the college can provide, so I emailed them a couple of days ago asking for assistance, and that’s considering we’re still under a lockdown and most offices are still under skeleton staffing.
What's the weather like in your part of the world right now?
LOVELY. I actually wear oversized sweaters to bed now and I even managed to wear a thick denim jacket out today. The rainy weather has settled beautifully, and I’m perfectly fine with 24ºC-28ºC everyday.
What was the last takeout food you ate?
My mom bought me and my siblings a chicken sandwich and chicken nuggets each from McDonald’s last week.
Who makes you laugh the most?
Definitely someone from my college barkada. I can’t decide whether it’s Aya, Kate, JM, or Jum; they’re all equally hilarious as fuck.
Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?
See these questions are always weird to me because my country has its own naming customs; it’s basically a mix of American and Spanish customs. We have two first names (where Westerners would understand their second ‘first’ name to be their middle name) and our actual legal middle name is our mother’s maiden surname (which I think doesn’t apply at all in the Western world). So to answer this I’ll go with our own customs and say that no, I don’t know of anyone who has the same middle name as me. It’s not a very common surname anyway.
What did you have done the last time you saw a dentist?
Had a tooth removed. I don’t think it was a wisdom tooth; it was just a tooth at the back of my mouth that had been in pretty bad shape for years but was only discovered at that time.
What does a successful relationship look like to you?
I believe the formula is different for every couple. Like I value constant communication and checkups, but others might not feel the need to be clingy or update their significant others all the time.
What do you like to put on your baked potato?
Don’t really have these a lot, but I remember when my mom used to make baked potatoes with bacon and cheese and those were unbelievably good.
What field of science interests you the most?
Biology. <3 I’m sure I would’ve taken up medicine if I only wasn’t so bad in the rest of the sciences.
What's the closest shop or restaurant to your house?
There aren’t any nearby shops since I live in a gated community, but once you get out of the village’s main gate, the first thing to the left is a McDonald’s. To the right is a small complex with a hair salon, burger place, music school, and one of those boujee stores that sell hype clothing.
Do you have any family that live in another country?
So many relatives. We’re Filipinos, man. We migrate everyfuckingwhere. As far as I know I have family living in the US, Canada, Vietnam, Japan, China, Australia, and New Zealand.
What colour is your couch?
Gray.
Do you know how to care for plants and keep them alive?
Not at all. Every single plant that I’ve been given as a gift or party giveaway has died on me.
What was the most memorable birthday you've had?
18th was awesome. Cruise trip, hotel stay with friends, Tiendesitas + noodle date with Gab. How I got away with three separate celebrations without my parents saying anything about it I’ll never know.
Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?
Beach. The area where I live is mountainous as it is; as someone who’s always lived and studied in the city, a trip to the beach in the province never gets old.
What do you do for work?
I don’t have any yet but I’m waiting for openings for our national agency for either history, or culture and the arts. My plans have shifted recently and I’m now eyeing to work for either instead of rotting away while underpaid at a corporate agency.
Have you ever been to see the circus?
No. I wouldn’t be interested either; they all just seem so harsh and unethical.
Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe?
Sure.
What is the best house you've ever lived in?
The one we live in today has been the most comfortable; but I also hold a lot of nostalgia for my dad’s parents’ house in Tondo because of how raw Manila life was there. Life wasn’t pretty, but it did feel real.
What was the first CD you ever bought?
The first CD I actively wanted my parents to buy for me was probably the High School Musical soundtrack, heheh.
Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house?
Yeah, always. Wanna make sure my shirt is tucked in properly (if it is), or that my jeans aren’t cuffed funny or whatever else.
What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten?
I’ve mentioned this before but it was the Indian dessert gulab jamun. Really did not expect the flavor that came in when it hit my mouth.
Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way?
I’ve never had a legit job, but when Jeuel quit the org a couple of years ago because of ~irreconcilable differences~ between him and us officers in the executive board it did feel a tad bit dramatic and passive-aggressive.
What movie reminds you of your childhood?
Shrek 2 or The Game Plan.
Do you know why your parents named you what they did?
The singer named Robyn was really big then and they ended up being fans of the name.
Do you have any bills that need to be paid?
None of my own. My parents usually pay the family bills immediately, so I don’t think we have any pending payments for now.
What do you like to dip your fries in?
Mayonnaise.
Is your house clean or messy right now?
It’s always clean as my mom is extremely tidy.
What was the last email you received?
It’s one of the job-hunting websites I’ve signed up for, giving me job alerts for new openings in my chosen industries.
Do you know someone who speaks without a filter?
Yeah and I know people who do it responsibly and those who just come off as tactless.
Are you in any social groups?
We call our college group the Daydrinkers, since our friendship began when we started constantly hanging out at nearby bars at like 2 PM, during our breaks lol. I used to be in a barkada in high school but Angela and I broke apart from that since we couldn’t deal with Athenna’s toxicity anymore, though I still keep in touch with most of them, like Chelsea and Kaira. Since then Angela and I have formed our own group consisting mostly of Angela’s friends from architecture and Hans’ friends from Ateneo.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
Sigh, around 4. I don’t know why it was so few, but it also means that I’m currently drowsy as all hell at 9:03 PM. I will most likely turn in for bed after this.
What's your favourite kind of museum?
Those that cover history, so museums that have artifacts and fossils and shit.
Do you believe in alternate universes?
I like the idea, and I love literature that explores the idea of alternate realities, multiple universes, pocket universes, etc. Whether or not I believe they exist...idk. I don’t think about it that much in literal terms. < Yeah pretty much. Gaby Dunn wrote an amazing piece on multiverses and that was what got me to find comfort in the idea.
Whose house did you last visit?
I was at Gabie’s place this afternoon. We had burritos, talked about career prospects, and puppy-sat our babies.
What games do you play on your smart phone?
I turn to 1010 when I’m bored or anxious. I have like 30 other games but I never touch them lol, but I do keep them should the time be right to whip them out.
Have you ever been to Los Angeles?
I have not.
What was the first concert you ever went to?
Paramore, February 2013. I was a late bloomer; kids my age started going to concerts at least three years before that.
Do you know anyone who is colourblind?
I don’t think so.
What's your favourite season and why?
The wet season, because it’s colder and I hate the heat during the dry season.
Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family?
I’m the eldest.
If you had to make something for a potluck, what would you make?
I recently watched this phenomenal recipe for 48-hour chocolate chip cookies that looked absolutely bonkers when they were done baking. I’d for sure give those a try for dessert. If that fails I’d just buy the food so that what I bring is more guaranteed to be good.
What kinds of decorations do you put up at Halloween?
My family has never cared much for Halloween. It’s not even a legit holiday, so as much as I love Halloween I don’t think I would spend for decorations myself to decorate my own place. The only instance I imagine doing so would be if I have kids of my own who may want to get into the Halloween ~spirit.
How many tabs do you have open right now?
In my current window, eight.
What's something you've been meaning to do but keep putting off?
Taking another online course, just because it’s great to learn new things and earn free certifications while at it. I haven’t been doing a good job at being consistent with them, though.
What's the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day?
Facebook since it’s my primary social media now. Literally never thought this day would come.
Have you ever flown a kite?
Yeah but it’s been a while.
Who was your favourite music artist when you were 16?
This was the time I was slowly moving away from my punk phase and inching closer to Athenna’s music tastes, so I was into acts like Hozier, Banks, Daya, Twenty One Pilots, etc.
What are three things you usually always have in your fridge?
Water, bread, eggs.
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THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.
First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.
Mun Name: Leo Age: 27 Contact: IM, Inbox, Disco
Character(s) I rp: Canon: Shiro, Sebastian, Dirk, Kyoya, Kurama, Nelliel, Maka, Dwicky. OCs: Hades, Google, Emogene, Dominic, Seirios, Iso, Felix, Reeves, Nyx, Zeru, Ren, Charlie, Dakota, Nemo, Bluejay, Koko, BD, Raven, Cora, Sammie, Lucie, Poppie, Ollie, Alphie, Bambi, Abbigail, Hiraeth, Bonnie, Rei, Rory.
Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Nelliel, Shiro, Rei, Bonnie, Hiraeth.
Current Fandom(s): Bleach, V/LD, Naruto. (I’m not deeply involved in the fandoms themselves anymore.)
Fandom(s) you have an AU for: Uhhhhh.. I basically have an AU for any fandom if I know it well and am asked for it.
My language(s): English. (I’m learning other languages but I don’t RP in them unless it’s just a sentence or two.)
Themes I’m interested in for rp: Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc.
Themes/Genres you have an AU for: Modern, Mythology, Medieval.
Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. (I legit love all lengths, tbh, it’s more so with one-liners I tend to lose interest if there’s no substance to further it.)
Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons.
Can Asks be continued?: YES / NO only by Mutuals?: YES / NO.
Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck.
Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?: YES / NO.
Are you atm open for new plots?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (I’ve admittedly been v busy, so if you’re fine with me takin’ forever-- YES)
Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?: YES / NO / SOMEWHAT.
How long do you usually take to reply?: 24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years.
I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) (It really depends here.) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse).
Do you post more ic or occ?: IC / OOC.(I post more IC, but the gaps between IC and OOC make it seem like there’s more OOC at times???)
Are you selective with following others?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (This is entirely because half the fandoms some of my muses come from are absolute shit so I have to be careful.)
Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting: IM or Inbox-- tbh, Just kick my inbox in and screech that you wanna plot/rp with me so long as you’re a mutual. I’m honestly so laid back?? Sure, it might take me a minute but this is entirely because IRL things and not because I’m putting anyone off.
What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner: Having fun? Having ideas? I guess, just, mutual interest? I mean, I’m here to write! I’m here to have fun! If you’re not interested in that much alone then?? I guess bye?? ‘Cause I’ll become very annoying to anyone who doesn’t have an interest purely because I’ll randomly ambush my partners with excitement and ideas.
When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?: Oh I’ll just straight up ask if they want to continue the thread or start a new one! I mean, I get it, you can lose interest or otherwise just not feel it anymore and that’s fine! If you’re not interested in that particular thread, then no worries, we can always start more! If you’re just being one-sided in general, however?? I’m not gonna be interested at all and I’ll likely tell you as such.
How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?: Normally it’ll just happen? I’ll do my “Hey what if they ___” thing and then a rapid bombardment of inquiries and excitement later, there is a thread. It’s usually mutual, the involvement of creating this plot, but sometimes it’s just me being excited and them being excited and then suddenly BAM THERE BE THREADS. S’all good over here!
When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.
- And why?: I mean?? I’d like to know, yes! But I get that sometimes it’s incredibly anxiety ridden trying to tell someone that you’ve lost interest in a thread. It’s alright if you don’t tell me, but if you can muster up the courage to do so I’d appreciate it! I’m not gonna be upset at you for losing interest/muse in a thread! If I cared deeply about the story, I might poke at you and then you can tell me?? Either way it’s fine and tbh, I don’t mind. However, please let it be known that you can take forever on a reply as well so don’t worry about just hoarding a draft too! Tbh, I had someone reply to a thread literally a year later and I was still excited for it!
- What should your partner do when dropping a thread?: Just shoot me an IM or hell, make a list of threads you’re dropping and tag me in it??? Which ever! Or don’t even tell me at all, whatever works for you sugar!
What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?: Hmn, being overwhelmed-- I tend to accumulate a lot of drafts and 90% of them are long so sometimes I’ll drop a thread or two to help myself get by. Also lack of muse/interest is a factor. I won’t drop a thread purely out of being overwhelmed unless I just can’t muster up the muse to respond to it.
- Will you tell your partner?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. Sometimes I get overwhelmed myself and I’ll drop a thread, forget to tell my partner, etc. Other times I’ll tell them before I even delete the draft!
Is communication in the rpc important to you? YES / NO.
- And why?: Yes and no~ Yes primarily! I get that others can take a minute to muster up the courage to talk to others and would just prefer to keep things to a few sentences at first! However, I can and will ambush you with conversation and interest nonetheless. Because communication is important. If you’ve got something you wanna say to me, say it! I’m here for it!
- Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?: Yup! If you’ve got an issue or something that might come across as criticism to say, say it! Civil discussion is absolutely wanted here and I would like to work out any issues you may have with me or my portrayal.
- Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way? YES / NO.
Why do you rp again, is there a goal?: To write and have fun! To explore in depth the characters I create or take on! I mean, c’mon, lbr here-- my gremlin ass muses require some more in depth speculation and investigation into their characters! I love the creativity, the world building, the constant drive to do better and to make others feel something from words alone. The capability to rend emotion from another living being simply from reading and reacting to something I created is amazing and I want to make others cry, laugh, smile and think. I want to create.
Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios: Oh man, there’s an endless supply of things I’d like to do! I want to explore the depths of my muses’ histories more?? Like Shiro, I want to write out the things he must’ve seen, felt, experienced. How Nelliel was when she was alive, how Shiro fared in the Arena when he wasn’t fighting, Seb’s life torn between the various throws of data and reality-- there’s so much! And ALL THE AU’s!!!! All of them!!!
Themes I won’t ever rp / explore: Sure, I work with a lot of darker themes like torture, gore, etc-- but I will not write Rape, sexual abuse, nor will I write child loss.
What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: I can work with most starters! However, if I’m randomly given a starter that I can’t work with for the muse selected, I’ll inform the person who wrote it! I appreciate the effort given but don’t expect me to be able to reply to every random starter given! Sometimes, they don’t even show up in my tag.
What type of characters catch your interest the most?: Okay, I’m a sucker for the underdogs, aggressive folks and the villains. I’m not even going to try and lie and say I don’t immediately look at the Aizens and Kenpachis and go ah yes, those fucking gremlins, give me ten. I also love the background characters? The side characters in a show that seem so unimportant but have a crucial role? I love characters that have such an obscure involvement that you have to stop and ask why and how their involvement was crucial. I also love the soft beans? The ones who are so hyped with positivity and gleaming interest that they just can’t be ignored?? But then turn around and whoop some poor sap’s ass with that sparkle sparkle smile. Also love the upstanding moral types that also acknowledge that some things can’t be avoided and that morality is a grey area dependent on the perceptions of the individuals themselves.
What type of characters catch your interest the least?: Hmn-- I guess the kind that don’t seem to have much substance to them? The ones that are just uncharacteristically too kind. Yes, I love the overwhelmingly positive types but?? Also?? The ones that are too kind and without flaw just?? Don’t strike me as interesting. Also the ones that are just cruel for some obscure reason just to give them a reason to be villains. I mean I understand but also?? Villains don’t have to have a reason?? They can be cruel just to be cruel. Idk that’s always just been a thing with me.
What are your strong aspects as rp partner?: I guess that I’m fairly laid back? I don’t mind if you take 10 years to reply, I’m going to get excited if you message me with some random idea, I’m not going to be bothered by any ideas you suggest?? I can also sometimes give u doodles?? I don’t have time to doodle a lot but sometimes, once in a blue moon, you’ll get a random offering of doodled booty for ur blessing. Also gonna hit you up with random HCs, ideas, threads, etc?? Always?? Idk, I’m not too good at thinking about positive aspects of myself lmfao.
What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: Hnnn, I’m too laid back at times. I take too long to reply and I’m busy af IRL. I’m often goaded into being irritated by some asshole or another so I can come off aggro af too when I don’t mean to be. Sometimes I can get overwhelmed and disappear for a week, other times I can end up overwhelming someone else by being too excited? I tend to watch how much I do and say because I feel like I might come off as smothering and am too used to being shut down and told to shut up so I just don’t?? Do anything sometimes. I’m also not very good at initiating contact sometimes so I tend to go days and weeks without speaking to others.
Do you rp smut?: YES / NO.
Do you prefer to go into detail?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.
Are you okay with black curtain?: YES / NO.
- When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?: Usually only if it’s developmental for the characters involved. Sometimes it’s just fun to do! It really depends on the characters involved + if I have any muse in general for it.
- Anything you would not want to rp there?: ???? Kinda vague, Idk? I mean if I don’t wanna rp somethin’ I’ll say so.
Are ships important to you?: YES / NO.
Would you say your blog is ship-focused?: YES / NO.
Do you use read more?: YES / NO / SOMETIMES.
Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship — Multiverse / Singleverse.
- What do you love to explore the most in your ships?: The relationship, the depth of two muses who can be wildly different or even similar. The multifaceted involvement of others to that relationship, the angst, the arguments, the sad moments along with all the happy things and how hard one might try while the other is cold-- etc. I don’t just want happy dates and sunshine, that’s not how relationships work after all!
- What is your smut tag?: Kettledrums
Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO.
- And what kind of ones?: I like a lot of pre-established relationships! However, I can be a tad wary of child muses? Aka: The ones who are children of one of my muses. Reason being, sometimes even I don’t know how they’d raise a child so the muse in question would be off putting to me because it’s out of my realm. Beyond that, I’m down for just about everything!
► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.
- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?: Since I have so many damn muses, I’mma just go with Shiro for all of this-- I suppose what they could find interesting is his very multifaceted dynamic as a soldier, human, technical non-human (Zombae), war worn, space exploring person. He can be rainbows and sunshine but also can suddenly become incredibly aggressive and cold. He’s not one or the other, he’s all and everything that he’s learned and encompassed while still remaining fragile and human in the end. Writing with him can be inspiring and can be soul wrenching, depending on the thread. As for plots, dude your character could be in space in one thread if the otherwise couldn’t be. There’s so many ways to go about writing with him?? He’s such an amazing character and the plots he can be instilled in are almost limitless with just his main verse.
- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?: Hmn-- I guess the main one I have issues injecting him into place with would be the ones who are strictly non-tech oriented?? I mean, I can still have him there but getting him to fit is just?? Really difficult. Also with people who RP villains of his fandom and expect him not to be volatile. I’m sorry, but if you’re writing a S.endak or a Z.arkon-- you’re not going to get roses and butterflies with Shiro, plain and simple. If that’s something you can’t accept then don’t approach him with those muses.
- With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?: He works really well with most anyone! So long as one goes into it knowing he can be hostile with soldiers, Galra, etc; then he can be used no matter what. He’s one of my most capable muses that doesn’t have much of an issue when it comes to responding.
- What interests your Muse(s) in general: Space, mechanics, biomedical engineering, people, freedom, fighting for a cause, flowers, his mother, violin, cats, sparring, getting stronger, constellations, nebulae, engineering, literature, alien languages, cooking.
- What do they desire, is their goal?: The safety of others, the freedom of others, the ability to choose, hope-- he wants to make sure those he cares for and all others are free and safe from the Galra take over.
- What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?: How they look at him. If they show signs of pity, of fear, he tends to walk away from any possible meeting with them. Otherwise, their appearance is what first catches his eye. How they dress, how they respond to him, how they talk and if he can make them crack a smile with an awkward joke.
- What do they value in a person?: Hope, Strength, Loyalty, Purpose, Honesty, Patience.
- What themes do they like talking about?: Shiro’s more of a listener than a talker, but honestly he’ll talk about anything of interest and question anyone’s as well to get them to talk about it. It’s what makes conversation with him easygoing most of the time.
- Which themes bore them?: Himself. He’ll try to avert any conversation about himself if it’s too personal or too close to something. It’s not so much that it bores him but that type of talk is reserved for those insanely close to him. Also talk of command bores the FUCK out of him. He’s never been one to really like rank.
- Did they ever went through something traumatic?: So. Fucking. Much. Between being a prisoner of a war he was never involved with to being told he was a leader of a rebellion for said war, being a prisoner in the Arena and forced to fight and kill others, being held down and sedated as he tried to warn the others, DYING-- this boy has been thru too much.
- What could possibly trigger them?: Certain noises, textures, Galra, medical equipment, certain lighting.
- What could set them off, enrage them?: Galra, someone protecting him.
- What could lead to an instant kill?: Any bloodlust towards him or those he cares for. Most of the time, he has this under control and tries to be merciful, give them a chance; but sometimes, especially during an episode; there’s no stopping him from gunning for someone’s throat if they had any intent to harm another or himself.
- Is there someone /-thing they hate?: Z.arkon, S.endak, L.otor, H.aggar, Druids, himself a lot of the time.
- Is there someone /-thing they love?: The paladins, space fam in general, his mother, his friends, people in general.
Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO.
- Best ways to approach them?: Just approach him? Honestly, Shiro’s one of the easiest persons to converse with and get near. That doesn’t mean his guard is dropped, but he’s very easy going a lot of the time outside of battle. So long as you have a reason to approach him (even simpler ones like: his appearance, his arm, etc) then you’re set.
- Where are they usually to find?: Oof, honestly? Anywhere. Space, Earth, other places-- he’s constantly on the move. If you want a set place, just say somewhere on Earth and I can work with that.
Something you may still want to point out about your muse?: Shiro is certainly easy to get along with, but he is not without flaw or issue. He has a plethora of issues even after the fall of the Galra Empire. He’s not without his scars, physical and otherwise. Approaching him is easy but getting close to him is not. Don’t expect him to be an open book. Just because he can talk about war, battle, fighting with a straight face doesn’t mean he wasn’t effected by it. He has suffered greatly and it will show the closer you get to him.
CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥
Tagged by: @skyvar [ <3 ]
Tagging: IF YOU WANNA PARTAKE IN THIS INSANITY, PLEASE DO AND TAG ME IN IT SO I CAN READ IT!!!
#Thx Snow I'm dying now#I think I just filled my word quota that I didn't even have#Dash Games;#Long post //#Shiro;#Shiro Tidbits;#But tbh this was fun to do!!
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I just have to say
I was possibly exposed to Rabies and came to Tumblr for help and advice and was THOROUGHLY AND DISTURBINGLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE RABIES TAG.
Omg
I was convinced I was going to die and searching anything Rabies related was UNHELPFUL AF. Not judging but y'all did not help lol.
Very long explanation of why I thought I was going to die:
Waking up to a bat (2 nights in a row) is not automatic cause to assume you will die but it is, I found out after talking to the Dept. Of Agriculture and their Epidemiologist, an immediate cause to go straight to the ER and get shot up with the vaccine and immunoglobulin so you DON'T POTENTIALLY DIE. It is not something the doctors can argue against and it is not something you should postpone. Especially since I was "under the influence" (Nyquil) at the time and even less likely to notice if I had gotten scratched or bitten. My being unaware was the key point in the urgency of going to the ER.
The ER doc was highly annoyed I knew just what to say ("I woke up with a bat in my face") and he grumpily admitted he was bound to follow CDC protocol. His annoyance was so obvious he repeatedly told me how unlikely it was I was bit and explained how "intense" the shots would be. I assume he felt the medicine could be put to better use on someone who was 100% sure and/or was injured. When I asked him what would happen to me if I WAS bitten and didn't get the shot like he wanted, he sighed and admitted "Well, you die."
"Well, shoot me up, doc!"
That night I got 7 shots. One in my arm, which hurt so bad--I guess because my nurse was new and may habe gone too deep because the subsequent shots I have gotten in the same arm haven't been anywhere near as painful-- and 6 in my buttcheeks. 3 in each.
Waking up from my Nyquil coma to a bat in my face was not fun. I had never related to those movie scenes of people screaming and running around afraid if bats. But jessuz. They are fast. And this one was swooping around my living room and deliberately getting super close to me. I had to hide under my blanket and in my fevered state this made me sweat. Trying to herd it to my now opened windows did not help. I tried to call police, fireman andnanimal control; the 1st two were useless and the 3rd was not open at 1am.
Eventually I reached out to my townie facebook group and got advice. White towels attract them. Or make it dark and quiet and hide--I did this as I was not going to run around with a towel in my undies like that video--which worked. 2 very concerned people urged me to go to a doctor.
"You say you have flu-like symptoms and a constant fever and you sleep in that room a lot. You really need to go to the ER. Rabies is so dangerous."
And after 2 nights of dealing with bats and my fever spiking right around the time they show up, I existed in a dark hole of stress. So much so that the second morning I woke up to my hand twitching erratically and my thumb muscle spasming and I started bawling. I had already gotten the shots the day before so I knew if I encountered anything rabid I should be okish (I still had 3 more to go before I was fully protected) but now, with my glitchy hand, I was panicking about "WHAT IF I ALREADY HAD IT?!"
Urgent Care had ruled out Strep twice for my odd sickness and had assured me I have a random virus and to just stay in bed for a few days. Which I had been doing faithfully, before getting bored and moving to my livingroom nest. I like to sleep in there a lot and often do when the weather is nice. I just made sure to drink water and tea and get sunlight and all the things. Including Nyquil. But my fevers were getting worse. I was feeling like crap. And now what we all assumed to be A Normal Virus was morphing into my worst nightmare.
Probably egged on by 101 temperatures, I called around until someone was willing to explaon to me whether I was dying or not. Getting told "You'll be fine. It is SO RARE," did not calm me down. I needed someone to explain how the long incubation period (months to a year) and symptoms (flu like, emotional, twitchy) did not match me.
I slept in that room on accident and on purpose since moving in almost 9 months ago. I'm a heavy sleeper and don't wake up easily. Iffff I had been bitten during one of my all-nighters doing math homework or essay writing, it makes sense I would suddenly get a random "virus" that isn't going away. I had it all worked out in my head. I was getting headaches in the sun and stores. I forced myself outside and out and about when I felt ok because fuck it if I was going to let this be a symptom I had. I was getting anxious in the shower but, knowing fear of water was a symptom, I forced myself to stay in it. (Turns out my paranoia was right. The water was starting to be hard and my skin was breaking out. It is very annoying. The timing was just horrendous)
All the doctors and nurses kindly told me I was safe since I had started the shots but no one had an answer for me when I asked if they helped if I hadddd it already. They weren't sure. The amount of information they have or are willing to share is astonishingly low.
After 2 hours of phone tag I was finallly able to get an appointment with an Infectious Disease Doctor. She told me that if I did have it there was no real evidence about the vaccine helping, especially since I had only had the first dose at that point. She told me it would be fast though and they couldn't tell until "you're foaming at the mouth." She asked to look in my mouth and when I told her about my drooliness she said to let her know if it got worse. She asked about my hand. I told her. She asked about numbness and I freaked cuz my arm did go numb at one point.
I askwd her about tests. I had read that there were a few--spinal fluid, spit, blood--that were not really reliable. She said since I had the vaccine and immunoglobulin in my system already they would show up and it would be pointless.
My only option was to wait. And chill. And try not to dwell on the fact that there is no answer or cure or way to find out if I should plan my trip to Oregon and die or if I should allow my boyfriend to visit me.
He was firmly in the You Don't Have Rabies camp and came over anyway to feed me soup and hang out. But I refused to kiss him. It made him very sad and probably extremely exasperated.
My boss was so done with me when he asked if I could come in the next day. "Sasha. You cannot have Rabies. Just come to work. You'll be fine." And I realized how crazy I sounded but I still warned all my coworkers.
Anyway, my lowgrade fever continued, my twitchiness stopped, my drooling stopped, my water was hard so I avoided the shower but cleaned my good bits, and once I doubled up my water intake my headaches disappeared. I went into a mini death spiral for a day but decided to force myself into believing I was fine.
When I started getting confused and fainty, I bought Iron supplements. When I started getting angry and anxious, I called my friends and got distracted. When it was time to get another shot, I made sure to update everyone of the weirdness Just In Case.
One nurse took the time to sit me down and listwn. That's really all I needed since no one had answers. I just needed my mind soothed and concerns not dismissed. She couldn't explain the muscle spasm but could definitely see why I was freaking out. She was the one who tested me for peace of mind. She looked into Lyme disease. She found my anemia. She explained that the amount of time that had elapsed made her sure I was going to be ok. She had watched people die in Africa from this and shw said it happens So Fast it is tragic. I would not be able to organize a trip to Oregon to die. I would become incoherent and slip away within days.
That was what I needed. A timeframe. A legit explanation of what it looks like and how it happens. And why I don't fit. This whole time I had been wondering how to tell my friends. Whether I could write all their numbers down in case I couldnt function enough to call them or remember my phone password. I was planning on cleaning my apartment so good so the landlord couldn't bash me when I was bouncing off the walls and hissing at him. I was deciding who I really needed to contact and who I could live without wasting breath on. I was planning a goodbye party. I told all 3 of my lovers ("´hey, I have this thing there is no real test for while you're alive but there is once you die so you can't get tested, and you may have it so got get shot up but no one is sure if that will help much," but I did tell them and it was hilarious to them. My favorite response being "RIP" and "F") And this all had put me in such a dark place that, coupled with a few shitty days at work with my bully of a manager, I also asked for a psych person to visit me after the Rabies shot.
After her talk I was like, oh. Thank godddd. And kinda annoyed at having to wait an extra hour in the ER for a talk that could wait til morning. But I chatted with rhem and asked for referral to a shrink since this had just highlighted how much I need help with my anxiety. Especially since the temporary issue of Rabies was being resolved but my cruel manager was still going to exist now that I was going to survive this beef with nature. It was nice to think of that way "my rabies beef is getting cooked" and the pscyh lady got me help. So that was nice. I just mainly needed to get healthy again so I could
I mean. Almostbarelybutnotreally facing a cruel death was a great way to look at life and reflect on some things. There are messes I am not at fault for, messes I avoid that I shouldn't, people and things I value and the objects that matter to me more than others for ridiculous reasons. I was so grateful to the staff for putting up with me. And for you for reading.
All of this just to say
Circle circle dot dot
Soon I get my last Rabies Shot
#rabies#cdc#cdc protocol#vaccines#vaccination#vaxxed#immunoglobulin#rabies vaccine#shots#medicine#bats#stress#i thought i was dying#and then tumblr happened#rabiosexual#rabidloving#feralgender#rabioromantic
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the umbrella academy au ( landon )
+ @frcmashes @geminislegacy @chosenlonely @enflamedxtouch
on the 12th hour of the first day of october 1989, 43 women around the world gave birth. this was unusual only in the fact that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began.
will always thought of himself a proper freak. actually to be more proper, a second-generation freak. his father being the first and one of those children born on that date.
funny thing about jack. he started up the evil league of villains. not their actual name, no, but might as well been. there was klaus mikaelson, kai parker, katherine pierce, (so many freakin k’s) and of course, malivore. all of them provoked some kind of terror, they were all mass murderers and all that. but malivore was by far the most mysterious, no one even knew his true name. funny enough, they all had kids too. sort of, at least. there was klaus mikaelson’s daughter, ironically named HOPE. kai had his two nieces, twins ran in his mother’s family and he and his sister jo had melted in childbirth. legit, MELTED. while she had an affinity for ice, her twins were somehow born with her brother’s flames. they melted her. katherine pierce had a daughter named nadia but will had only met her a handful of times, she was a bit older then the rest of them, and onto much different things then listening to her mother (her mother, will would note, who looked younger then her). then there was landon kirby. the newest edition to their supervillain parent club.
hope knew him a bit, she told him as much. said landon could be TRUSTED. the thing was though, will struggled with the whole trust thing. he trusted the twins and hope with his life, and with the plan to FLEE. a plan they had been building towards since 3 years ago when they realized they couldn’t escape their parents otherwise. if landon allowed it to slip that they’d been planning a runaway there would be hell to pay. hell for will, that is.
klaus mikaelson had a kill count larger then some towns populations, but he would never allow harm to come towards his daughter. kai would come after the twins with an axe if the mood striked, but that was because he was a psychopath, it was without actual malicious. then there was jack, who had malicious in every mood he made. they didn’t know though, not the extent of it. will couldn’t allow them to know, to try and help. he couldn’t let them risk themselves for him. he’d rather run away and never turn back.
what he didn’t need though was some loser ruining this plan.
“he needs us!” hope insisted to him, and well fuck him when hope mikaelson set her mind to something how was he supposed to say FUCK NO and expect not to be punched for such efforts?
“i don’t even know the kid, and you don’t know either.” will pointed out (and he was fairly sure this was the third time they had this discussion). “how could we trust him? he’s an unknown entity.”
“to start with on the many reasons you need to hear me out, he’s not a kid. he’s my age.” a single year older, woopty doo (though, somehow, hope having that extra year and experience made her their impromptu leader, among other reasons.) “he’s been through hell and i... i actually knew him a long time ago.” he’s been through hell and she didn’t rescue him. those were the words will read in what she spoke. hope mikaelson and her damn hero complex. “we could trust him, he could-”
“okay.” there was no getting in her way, will could see it. it was a uphill battle and he would LOOSE.
plus there was something nice about seeing that satisfied smile upon the shorter girl’s face.
“so you must be will then?” ugh, he hated socializing. though will reminded himself, he’d be practically living with landon if all went according to plan. better start getting used to him.
“yeah, thats me.” he nodded, and then landon offered his hand was that something people did? ( yeah, he didn’t have much experience with people beyond the trio of girls and super villains. )
“you’re supposed to shake it.” landon prompted, though he seemed almost unsure of saying so himself. will stared for a moment, hesitant. then, he reached, and he gave it a light shake.
landon chuckled. it was a bit awkward, yes, but it was... wasn’t horrible.
then, he heard lizzie saltzman let out a proper GROAN. “why does your hair have to look so much like a sponge?” she asked of landon, only for hope to slip a hand into hers and instantly the girl soothed. she was nervous, will could tell. he knew lizzie saltzman well. she’d been his first and only crush, his first kiss. and maybe there would have been something if she wasn’t so horribly in love with hope mikaelson. hope mikaelson who returned her affections and became an absolute mess when lizzie turned on the charm.
they were cute, and will was happy for the girls. though he and josie did sometimes make barfing sounds when they were being lovey dovey to the GUG degree.
lizzie would flip them off.
fuck, will didn’t know what he’d do without them. he didn’t know who he’d be with only jack’s influence, without the girl’s he called his family. and now there was someone else part of that family, someone else to protect. and protect them, he would.
“so tomorrow they’ll be leaving to rob a bank.” hope began. “i overheard my dad talking about it. that is when we move.” they had to be gone when it happened, whether it was love or possessiveness, the kids were all too aware their parents wouldn’t be happy with them leaving.
when hope said the words ROB A BANK. it didn’t mean an actual robbery, but rather an outing. their parents were hush hush on the horrible deeds they commited, so lizzie in her greatness decided ‘yeah, they’re probably robbing banks. ski masks and everything.’
so yeah, robbing banks.
“so, i uh, i know i’m the new guy,” a groan from lizzie, a chuckle from hope and an eye roll from will himself.
“we really are prepared for this,” josie piqued in. “and if you don’t think you could handle this and need to stay behind that’s fine but--”
“wait wait,” landon interrupted, a chake of his head. “not what i was getting at, i was moreso gonna say we should ya know... prepare.” prepare, and it was said in such a way that landon had been through this before. huh. “maybe we could make back backs and hide them? hope filled me in, that we have money-- but money won’t last forever and we should prepare. food, blankets, lighters, everything that we might need and could carry with us. i mean... we will be on the streets, roughing it. and it’s better then being here, but still. we need to be prepared for it.”
“oh my god, you were a trashcan baby.” classic lizzie saltzman, truly. still she was probably right. landon spoke like he had all too much experience in the narrative of it.
“guess you didn’t tell him everything,” will had figured hope would fill him on it.
hope gave a shrug. “i was meaning to, it just didn’t happen yet.”
“okay, so what am i missing?” landon asked, bewildered.
once more, josie spoke up. “her name is penelope. she’s second-generation just like us... and she’s going to bring us to our dad.”
alaric saltzman, their savior. a man who wanted to be in his daughter’s lives til their uncle stole them away on a whim. according to josie, he contacted the twins three months ago. that was when the plan fell into play. alaric had resources, and since his daughters were two fo them, he did all the research he could. apparently he was in touch with something called THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY, and they would protect them. all of them. they just needed to get the destination pick up point first.
so it went remarkably well. they did actually pack, because the journey to the umbrella academy would be a few days and they were on foot. he knew the girls well but landon... landon was a constant surprise. it was weird, having pleasant surprises by someone. landon was all sorts of weird but... will found himself enjoying it.
it was their third night, and tomorrow they would arrive. at least, according to josie’s calculations. for the past two nights they had managed to boy two motel rooms, and yes he kept sharing with landon. landon who snuck, of all things, candy into his bag. who kept asking will if he wanted any. and will, who always said, sure.
then josie checked how much they have left and apparently it worried her. she wanted to be safer, spend less. thus, one room this time. the three girls squeezed into one bed together (poor josie, will thought, or maybe poor lizzie and hope. unable to get it on with josie right there). but it left he and landon to share a bed. funny thing was though, will hadn’t shared a bed with someone ever before. and when a tired landon rolled onto him he hadn’t had the foggiest what to do. so, he fell asleep, and hoped that upon waking up the situation would resolve itself.
it did not.
they were snuggling. and it was... nice. actually. really nice. huh.
“disgusting.” that was a voice whispered in his ear, one that sounded remarkably like jack. except it wasn't in his head, oh no- a knee was his chest, forcing him down--- making him stay. then jack was reaching over and no no no--
the thing was, about jack. he was remarkable in many ways. knew ways to kill so many people, knew how to use so many weapons, but when it came to it his power was basically his favorite thing.
death touch.
his hand clasped landon’s throat, and landon’s eyes flew open. and will--- he’d known landon less than a week. it was stupid, they were barely even friends. yet, as the life drained from his eyes, will felt like the world was ending. no more stupid jokes, no more awkward pauses or candy. no more offered candy. no more landon.
will SHRIEKED.
he heard the sound of the sound of one of the girls falling off the bed, and then jack was jumping back because there was FIRE and will--- fuck, was he sobbing? he’d never done that before. not even on jack’s worst days. he’d never shaken like this before, unable to stop, unable to breathe---
“will.” hope said, taking his arm and pulling--- but no, he couldn’t leave landon’s body-- no-- “will!” hope said again. his eyes connected with hers and the sight of her felt so damn blurry. the world was fucking spinning. “give him a moment.”
a moment? a moment? for--- a large GASP, came from the boy before him. landon sucked in air as if he hadn’t breathed before, well, this WAS his first breath after dying.
“oh my god.” landon’s blue eyes connected to his, and despite the fire, despite the death, despite it all, he smiled.
“hey.”
“hi.”
epilogue i’m too lazy to write: wll uses his own killer touch to knock jack out, (hope fought him for a bit btw, she has preflex). they make it to alaric and the umbrella academy. it’s not happily ever after, but it is better then it was before. and will has landon now. he’s happy.
#answered#drabble#major character death tw#child abuse mention tw#child abuse tw#c: landon kirby#c: hope mikaelson#c: lizzie saltzman#c: josie saltzman#c: jack#wrckhvck
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When the writers say Jaime is addicted to Cersei as he is all of a sudden overpowered by thoughts of her and leaves to go back to her. Was it the same kinda thing with you when you said you were randomly having intense thoughts about your ex for years? Like an addiction type thing? Sorry if its private lol.
(sorry, took forever to get to this haha).
I was in a lot of pain, but obsessive thoughts were more in the form of violence. I wanted to vandalize his property and break into his house and hurt him badly. I wanted to destroy his life. I laugh at how JC Stans judge Jaime by his thoughts LOL like wow dude you’d totally have me executed. I never did any of it, but those intrusive thoughts were almost constant. All forms of long term abuse and betrayal can really fuck a person up. I had a restraining order on him, yet they allowed him to be in every single one of my classes (even though he was supposed to be in jail but got bailed out), so it escalated to a point where I was almost expelled from my university because I was taking my anger out on professors… like… full on storming into random classes and screaming things. I removed myself from the university for a semester until a judge finally kicked him out of my classes.
I’ve seen posts saying that addictive relationships don’t exist but they for sure do. GoT just sucked at depicting it, if that’s the route they wanted to go. For me, it was definitely an addiction while I was in the relationship, and as I described above, the addiction after was more in the form of aggression until I went to therapy (Jaime’s version of therapy is Ilyn Payne hahaha), did a lot of self help, and experienced what healthy love was actually like. I was young (like.. 19 or 20) and even literally referred to him as my drug. I was addicted to the constant fluctuation of the highs and lows, of feeling a sense of euphoria when he chose to be kind to me and romantic, like I believed I was an extra special, worthy person because HE was choosing me. We bought into the toxic version of the soulmate stuff, making me believe we were two halves of a whole, and that I was incomplete and worthless without him. After I finally woke up and ended that relationship, I LEGIT had withdrawals. I even got the fucking shakes. I mean, that’s what my psychiatrist and therapist were saying so… I was a broken mess without an identity separate from him. When I started discovering myself, separate from him, the addiction lessened and I became more apathetic so I relate so fucking much to Jaime’s identity arc.
Anyway, I guess to answer your question, there was never a compulsive urge to return to my ex, or put myself through that abuse again after awakening to it being wrong, disentangling myself and realizing we weren’t the same, forming my own separate identity, and experiencing healthy love lol. The message GoT sent through Jaime is fucking disgusting because of how they framed it.
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