#kinda personal but i just had to vent i guess
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Cemetery Buddies
Written for @throneofglassmicrofics, prompt “Petrichor”
So, I wrote this today at the cemetery instead of the chapters I actually have to finish, because it felt too weird to write smut by my grandfather’s grave. I was there the entire afternoon and I kinda conjured this fic on the spot, but I really hope you like it!
Warnings: mentions of death of loved ones, quick mention of death by covid
Words: 888
Aelin’s picnic blanket did a good job of protecting her clothes from the dewy grass, but not from its gentle prickling on the exposed part of her legs. It felt peaceful, though. She got used to the silence, the soft ruffling of leaves and chirping of birds filling her days in the past two years.
Just her and her parents hanging out together, like old times.
The cemetery staff were even kind enough to lend her a beach umbrella in case the rain came back.
A delighted sigh. Don’t you love the smell of petrichor, Mom? Aelin echoed inside her head, because she still thought it was weird to talk to a grave.
She slid her crochet hat over her face and closed her eyes, feeling the nature surrounding her instead of watching this landscape of flowers and white stones she knew so well. Feeling the wind battle against the edges of her blanket and lose it when her weight overpowered its strength. The sunlight peeking from parted post-rain clouds burned in a delicious way the long stretches of skin her overall shorts left exposed.
She lived in Orynth, after all. Aelin and her parents always made a point to make the most out of summer, for however long this freezing city and its climatic crisis allowed them to.
“You okay there?”
Aelin lifted her hat from her face enough to take a peek into the outside world, but she didn’t need it to know it was her cemetery buddy.
Fully sat on the blanket now, she eyed the Heineken six-pack on Rowan’s hand with a smirk.
“Better now that you brought the good shit.”
He gave her a close-lipped smile and unfolded the two chairs provided at the entrance by the staff, since Mr. Fancy Pants preferred it over lying on the grass like Aelin.
To an outside observer, the difference between them is striking. Rowan in his dark suit and tie, brooding with that permanent scowl on his face; right by his side, Aelin’s in denim overall shorts, red top and crochet hat, being her usual fun, dazzling self.
Both hanging out together, sharing beer by their loved ones’ graves. What made them good friends wasn’t their differences, but how similarly they were miserable.
“So.” She cleared her throat and eyed the six-pack. “I guess things didn’t go the way you wanted at work?”
“Lorcan—“
She tilted her head, brows furrowed in confusion.
“The boss’ kiss-ass,” he explained.
“Oh, that guy.” Aelin said with a grimace. She did not like this Lorcan person, even if he had a friendship of sorts with Rowan. “Tell me what he did this time.”
Today, she was loosened up enough by the weather and the beer, and it happened that Rowan was also a little chatty as well. Sometimes they silently sit side by side. Sometimes Aelin doesn’t sit, she kneels on the grass and hums ancient Terrasenian laments, which her buddy raptly listens to. Sometimes Rowan starts venting about his lack of ability to keep his deceased wife’s garden, leaves for the bathroom and comes back with red-rimmed eyes.
It’s getting progressively less dramatic, though. During the majority of the last few months, they’ve been just talking and sharing snacks.
His wife and Aelin’s dad died of COVID at approximately the same time, four years ago—hence why their graves are so close together. Her mom ended up sharing a grave with her husband a while after, but Aelin and Rowan didn’t cross paths at the cemetery until a year and a half ago, when their respective visiting habits finally overlapped.
And at some point during visits to their loved ones’ graves concurrently, they slowly forged a friendship—emphasis on the slow part, and no thanks to Rowan’s closed-off personality.
However, their conversation was cut short when an employee signaled that they were nearing closing time.
“So…” Aelin let out a performative sigh to chase away the awkwardness of goodbye. “Same time next week?”
Instead of answering, Rowan pointed his phone at her face, squinted at the screen for several seconds, then retreated the device.
Aelin tilted her head. Care to explain? she silently asked.
Rowan had a soft smile while he studied whatever was on his screen, for a longer time than expected, then jutted his chin towards her face. “I’m sending my mom a picture.”
During one of the rare occasions Rowan’s mom visited Lyria’s grave with her son, they found Aelin alone under a merciless sun. The older woman was scandalized. She made Aelin stay under her umbrella, forced Rowan to walk the long stretch back to the reception and get another one with the staff, and in the meantime very surreptitiously asked Aelin what her favorite color was.
With a soft chuckle, she took off her crocheted red hat with white daisy patches, handmade especially for her. “Did you tell her how much I love it?”
“Only after the first few times you told me to. The woman’s already too smug.”
“As she should be!”
Aelin still hadn’t got used to it, the sound of Rowan’s laugh. Maybe he was different outside of the cemetery—she wouldn’t know—but now he had a lightness of sorts that showed itself more and more frequently as the days passed, and she could only be happy to witness this change in him.
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06.06.05
Hey Becca
I know it's been a while since we talked properly. Or even seen each other. It's funny, because you'd think, living in the same town, knowing the same people, I see you more, even if it's on accident. I try though, remember when I invited you to the city that weekend, but you said you had other things on?
You were my best friend, and I still think about that. How I showed you that it wasn't that difficult to ride a bike, how we'd make chicken and mayonnaise sandwiches and sit in your living room, playing the wii. You were always better at volleyball, but I could beat you in boxing. How you rolled around in your sleep, and I woke up early. How you almost rolled off the bed once, and I held onto you, not wanting to wake you up. How you couldnt sleep without your bun-bun, and I couldn't sleep without my izzy doll.
How your parents second choice for your name was Stephanie.
How you never forgot your captains badge in year 6.
How you smiled with your braces on, and the small metal suds in your ear.
How you always sat, perfectly in the middle of your seat, soft blonde hair running down your back.
I was never like you.
I was the kid that read while the teacher was talking, liked playing dodgeball with the boys and could never remember my captains badge, or keep my desk tidy.
But I could remember your birthday.
Year after year, happy birthday becca!! Always with an obscene amount of exclamation marks and enthusiasm. Did I think that maybe you'd return it? It's not that much of a big deal, sure. But when the only text history between us is that and me asking how your day was, I can read between the lines. And when you seem to love every other person without hesitation, I can't keep thinking that there's something wrong with me.
So I wanted to tell you (not really though. I doubt that the chance you'd see this would be smaller than me admiting my feelings to you)- to tell you that this is goodbye. Not forever, but I'm going to try. I've got to move on, because it seems like you already have.
So, I'll see you later alligator.
In a while, crocodile.
I love you
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#its been almost two months and im still thinking about a former mutual being unfriendly to me when we met irl#i hate that i always dissociate from my feelings so the stuff is still unprocessed two months later#i clearly did something to this person although i can't wrap my head around what that could be#and i know not everyone has to like me. i know that and i accept that#but it was kinda unexpected and i guess it hurt me#then i saw that this person had unfollowed me which. fair i unfollow people all the time#idk why im upset its probably not my place to be#the person obviously has their reasons#idk. i just wanna process it so i can get over it#personal#negative#vent
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I’m gonna be pathetic real quick,
#I miss her so much#dealing with a one sided crush on one of my closest friends no less has not been easy#we haven’t really hung out this year not bc of the feelings stuff but bc I was tired of always being the one to plan hang outs and outreach#this has always been our dynamic#she’s just not the initiator type#which was fine at first#but for me the more I put into a friendship the more I expect in return#so it was hard not to take it personally when things didn’t change after we talked abt it#anyway she graduated college today#and idk if it just really sunk in that this is very likely the last time we will ever be in proximity to each other#but something abt it just kinda hit me today#a part of me wishes she had reached out#but maybe this is for the best#I feel I shouldn’t have to ask for what I need every single time#the down side is that knowing that doesn’t cancel out the years of friendship#I’ve always had a hard time letting people go#a part of me almost always cares about them for a long time#it’s hard bc my college experience was largely knowing that while I had friends I likely wasn’t their top choice#or part of their larger group#I floated around a lot which was cool sometimes and lonely other times#but if there was any person who I would have expected or I guess even just wanted to put in more of an effort it was her#personal#rambles#vent#it is complicated navigating friend expectations vs crush yearning#but I like to think that I can be rational enough to distinguish between the two#and so not ask for anything that is outside the reasonable expectation for friends#idk man it’s been an emo day overall ig
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Something that makes me sad is when I read fanfics of my favorite characters I can't help but want what they have. Like I am aroace and I don't think I feel any romantic attraction at all. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it. And it kind of hurts wanting to feel a feeling you know you can't feel. I mean I don't hate being aromantic or anything like that but sometimes I want to know how it feels to relate to those silly love songs and being able to feel romantic love. I want to hold hands with someone and flirt and just exist together. Like I have friends and have family but they are all going to leave eventually to pursue another relationship (whether that is a romantic one or platonic) and where does that leave me. Alone with my cat. And maybe I am think of a romantic relationship as a way to not be alone and always have someone. But it seems like the only relationship where you're their person you know. Their first pick. Not the bottom of the barrel, they will hang out with you because they have no one else to hang out with. And again this might be me projecting. I just don't want to be alone. But everyday it becomes more apparent that's my fate and I feel a romantic relationship is my only way escape this fate if you will. I don't know I don't want to make a lot of being aromantic is sad content because it's not but sometimes it feels that way. Sorry for the rant :[[
#aroace#asexual#aromantic#aspec#i long for something i will never had#vent kinda#kinda sad#sorry for the long post#sorry for the personal post#sorry for the vent#i don't not like being aromantic#being aromantic is not sad#i know qprs are a thing#i just don't know if it would be the same#i just dont want to be alone#i wish people put the same energy into friendship as romantic relationships#it wouldnt change my situation much tho ig#i love my cat tho#i guess if i had to be alone with anyone it would be my cat
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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Still really hurts how I am chronically unable to read fanfics unless the author either never interacts with the fandom (so they feel "unattainable") or they are trustworthy and loyal to me so I can be 101% sure they won't ditch me. Because for me reading fanfics is something extremely intimate and important, even more than fanart (says a visual artist :/). I don't just gobble the "content", but good fanfics can shape my experience with characters and my vision of them, inspire me, even heal me. As someone who is chronically incapable of being good with words in both of the languages I know, I adore good writing. That's why it is so important that the author feels "safe".
And after like, years of gathering enough courage and trust to read the fanfic about my favorite BB boys of ALL characters, about my favorite topic of ALL things, tailored perfectly forcmy tastes I had to get crashed BY the author in the way I still can't recover from. I just wish it was literally anyone else, because that stuff legit made me hate Edgar for some time (it is good now), and it hurts to never get to learn how the story progressed. Because I just can't still read a fanfic from someone who hurt me in a way so twisted that not even Mx Harrasser and Mrs Ableist could've deviced something THAT vile.
I will never read a fanfic again, unless the author swears their fucking blood and soul that they are SAFE person to approach. I am dead serious. When I get pulled away from an artist whose drawings resonated with me, I could still despair enough to check the stuff in secret once in like, 6 months and "just right-click and save", but writing is different.
#/vent#fandomry rambles#vagueblogging#creativity#why oh why it had to be those two characters SPECIFICALLY#i know i sound overly dramatic yes#youd expect a mediocre artist that cant write and doesnt know cool music to-#-have far less taste and appreciation for art but i am really sensitive about it#i just really wish i never had to interact with that person#wish i did not even start to read that fanfic#i guess it is just a kinda crying type of day isnt it...
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I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.
the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?
I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#emetophobia tw#vent post#<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now#anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised#I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow#anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense#but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much#it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely#but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future#idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever#also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar#even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything#but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that''#like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either#being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder#because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters#and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion#a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit''#anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine''#or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it
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bashing my head into a wall because someone made a good point about a narrative decision i felt a bit iffy on, but was also kinda flippant about why i felt iffy about it. gggrrrrrnng
#like i UNDERSTAND why retconning his death would be antithetical#but why when i question this ONE instance; its 'well that'd be less impactful'#when SO MANY other characters have had shit like death retconned in this game#sorry for wanting one guy to also get that i guess#uuuugggh#venting here cause i don't want them see and think im trying to be mean#i don't want to be mean; damn if im not kinda angry; just... not at them#...don't want to take it out on that person; they did in fact make a good point#mmm yeah i definitely have mixed feeling about remake#k! feelings out bye! ^-^#rusted.txt
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i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
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Oh I completely forgot. I did go to the Structure event !!
I ended up buying 3 and that ended up being my deck for the event... All things considered, I didn't do too bad. I lost 3 games and won 2, so nothing too amazing, but honestly I didn't care too much cause I was too excited over the fact that I can summon Red Supernova Dragon and all that (I ended up only summoning her one game... 🥲 But I did win that one!!!! The other RDA cards were so fun too, I'm a huge fan of big dragons.)
Anyways, maybe if I fix up the deck I'll take it to locals again, although I'm unsure what exactly to do against stuff like Unchained and Purrely (but I am generally a bit clueless there .. I also kinda don't care that much? I'm happy enough to play a few rounds even if I lose. But also! I did win against Unchained once so maybe I just have to overwhelm my opponent quickly. Like how the king does it!!!)
Also I had to try be normal about the Everybody's King card cause it makes me so sad 5Ds is so awful (said lovingly and full of joy)
(Another person also shared my enthusiasm for 5D's which made me really happy, although I felt a bit silly cause they would go like 'oh i liked this scene and that' and I'd say what episode it was and what i liked about that episode and i felt really insane.)
#also that hero mat? its super small its kinda embarrassing#like i dont know where i got it from but it was the only one i had lying around at the moment so i picked it and WOW.#(i should get a better mat)#(<- didnt win the raffle for the rda mat super sad)#also not to complain but everyone knew i went with the structure right? and the person uses dimensional barrier and calls synchro#and then tells me to like be 'prepared for it' and im so???? like WHAT do you want me to do.#play xyz in my synchro deck??#i get that it was probably supposed to be 'oh have more cards that can defend you or negate it etc.'#but it felt a bit silly to me#also i guess the reason it annoyed me is cause i probably picked it up wrong (autism) but also usually people cant tell my gender#and sometimes they assume im a girl and whenever they do they kinda talk down to me its so. *EXPLODES*#sorry to slightly vent and such... aah i just wanted to get it off my chest#random ramble#yugioh locals#uhhh#yugioh
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Ugh, the mortifying ordeal of having to write emails to your professors that you're gonna be absent from classes the next days. Ugh. I hate it...
#personal#vent#I mean the professors are nice#but I still hate this#normally Id skip this#Im sick so I just wouldnt go and thats ir#but one class we were supposed to prepare a site description and all of us had one so#my absence is kinda taking away that one#but I know no one is gonna take on a second one to prepare so Im just gonna let the prof know I'll be absent#and the other class there's only 3 of us and we only have 5 of those classes#so missing one is kinda big for fhe info missed ;/ and she did say there might be an option to join it online so I should at least ask#then again there are apparently complications with doing online classes so I dunno#but I should write them just in case I guess#still --- ughhhhghghh writing emails
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i: a scrapbook, worn and hoarded selfishly, because i cannot let go, though i have nothing to add. the picture inside the display has changed, though your letter remains; in the pocket of my journal, with countless others from countless others.
you: a donation box, with little hesitation. you told me once that letting go was hard; though as soon as you no longer heard my voice, you no longer heard my song. and my letter, my loving, lengthy response, ashes mingling with the dirt where it belongs.
#poetry#i guess--feel free to make fun of me lol just being a silly goose--#i guess i no longer care in a sense but i still keep things. i don't know how i'm supposed to feel about keeping things#but my ex wrote me a letter and i still have it. but the one i gave to him. when we kinda reunited. he said he burned it.#and obviously i was hurt but i was so desperate for company i forgave him. and we had a good time#and then when we drifted apart the second time. he unliked my spotify playlist. which sounds really stupid lmao but hold on#the playlist was for my novel i'm writing. it's a whole thing. he's the first person i told about it and read some to#and he really liked it. my mom said i was 'putting too much into it' like fantasy and romance...as if every book doesn't have that...#he gave me songs for the playlist and we talked for hours and i wrote a lot to read to him. and then when everything stopped with us i kinda#stopped writing it. and he still had the playlist saved i guess which was fine. the sorta split was mutual and amicable i guess#but to see he unsaved it kinda hurt because it's like he didn't believe in me anymore? but i'm sure it's not that#maybe he just got a new girlfriend lol. i'm pretty sure that's why he burned my letter#but#i'm sure if i texted him things would have been great for a little while. but then i'd just give him another piece of my heart--#and get burned again so. it's for the best#but i'm alright now. just reflecting#tw vent#(just in case)#rose.txt
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sometimes i forget how distinctly american my mother is, and how we are generally a product of our surroundings
#personal#just found out she’s pro-military!!! and she was accusing me of being anti-military because of watching x files. like girl i am 10 episodes#into this show. i have had these views for a Long time (VERY specifically about the us military). and im just like. damn. like yeah of COURS#it’s not plastered everywhere. ‘give me some peer reviewed articles’ i would but i just cant bring myself to get the energy to get stuck in#this exhausting npd abuse loop again (sounds exaggerated but im basically falling for exacerbating the situation. which is why it’s always#hit me the hardest i guess. because she Will just straight up either not mention it ever again or just simply deny it. and i’m not exactly#educated enough on the subject to remember specific points. my memory has been destroyed BECAUSE of this kinda shit and i cant recall decent#argument points anymore. not that i even particularly want to!!! read up on all this shit!!!! oh and even realizing that she was Definitely#seeing me as an Extreme. like girl what. i forgot that npd does that#reminds me of how. she’s very liberal. she was the one who got me out of the closet in the first place (bc i wouldnt do so myself)#and yet the other day. i swear she said something that was almost terf rhetoric#FUCK i HATE that my memory has already scrambled it. fuuuuuck and here i thought my memory was coming back#but it was something along the lines of implying that men Would try to get into women’s shelters etc in a skirt or smth and i#i just stopped talking i was so shocked#god. sorry didnt mean to vent lmao but im. hhh im just Tired yknow?#mandont
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finally told my last bumble match that it's not gonna work out within a month i started talking to him because he was a constant reminder of an asshole from school.
#meanslackofart#kinda relaxed now#i literally had been getting bad heart dropping and numb feeling whenever i saw his name pop up on the screen#just like i feel about the person he reminds me off#so i guess it was about time i said it#plus i wanted to be better so u said it out#instead of silently ghosting#anyway lets hope my 'minizing red flags from my life' plan goes on well#really need to stop talking to shot people and gatekeep#mental health#spilled thoughts#rant#vent
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u ever look back on a situation you were in and think to yourself “Damn That Was Kinda Fucked Up Actually.”
#[tldr if im being noticeably anxious on discord its just The Horrors dw abt it]#not rly a vent but i kinda just wanna talk about this#(lying)#feel free to not read the tags lol#so like. last year i was friends with this person on discord right#she was about about a year older than me and lived in canada (<-- unessential info)#we met thru some discord server and started talking more. which was going fine#i helped her with some art project she was doing and it was nice to be able to talk to someone during lockdowns#but as we grew closer i sort of became her 24/7 emotional support??? i guess?????#thats what it felt like#so like she had a lot of shit goin on right. like her family was abusive; she was depressed; she wasnt able to keep friends;#like it was a whole thing#i dont wanna give too much detail cause its someone elses shit but u get the idea#anyway i ended up becoming one of her few friends that she could talk to regularly. it was alr for a bit but it just became draining#like she would SEMI REGULARLY just talk at me saying how depressed she was and how shed considered offing herself before#textbook traumadump style#of course that wasnt her fault i dont wanna make her look like the bad guy here but. still#worst part of it was that her anxiety would spike big time if the person she was messaging was online and didnt respond within 5-10 minutes#like 24/7#which just made those moments way worse cause i am SHIT at offering comfort /especially/ at that age#so it just became this huge stressor for the both of us whenever she started something like that#for the last couple months before we cut it off id considered just telling her i didnt want to be friends anymore BUT#id seen in real time her other online friends cutting her off with their reasoning being she was too much to handle#and i didnt want to make her feel worse than she already felt. and i feel bad for saying this but she was genuinely too much to handle#thankfully she was the one who cut it off first (her reasoning she was jealous that i didnt have abusive parents and could keep friends)#literally the few days after we stopped talking i felt WAY less default stressed and i realised our friendship was taking a toll on us both#i still feel bad about this but she tried messaging me a few weeks later asking if we wanted to be friends again and i just. blocked her#i was in fuckin Survival Mode after realising how fucked up the situation was. 20/20 hindsight. and i just didnt want to go back#i shouldve actually talked to her and explained how i felt but. oh well i guess#but yeah we stopped talking a year ago and i think im still a bit fucked up from it lol
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