any dark romance fanfic recs? any fandom!

pjo:

they'll name a city after us -- fem!percy x dark!apollo

princess of the seas -- fem!percy (pairing might be poseidon, idk but it's incomplete)

child surprise -- percy x apollo

alice in borderland:

colors of your heart -- reader x niragi

smile, the cameras are watching -- oc x niragi

diabolik lovers:

the switch -- reader x yandere!various

baldur's gate 3:

hellish rebuke -- tav x ascended!astarion

she will be mine -- tav x ascended!astarion

this... omg this is it, i guess? i'm so sorry, i would usually recommend a lot more fics, i promise you, but nowadays my library's so dry 😭

moonlighthope lied?! Jesus :(

I don’t know what to say. I feel so hopeless now since she lied… I thought her photos were real too. Someone google searched them to be safe and apparently there were no matches so it seemed legit.

I don’t understand why the hell she would lie. I had so much hope for the void state and was so happy for her. now it’s all gone again….. . I just want to cry.

i have no idea !!! ^^;; i don't wanna spread misinformation when i don't even have proof myself that there was untruthfulness on her part, i believe her tbh but ig i can understand why folks have their reservations about certain things that were said—

it's unfortunate that this happened, ye, but ya shouldn't use other people's situations to hinder yer own growth. the void's real, 'cause the void is you.

are ya real? cause if ya weren't, ya wouldn't be sendin' in this ask to me rn. it's ok if yer disappointed or sad, but imma need ya to take a step back afterwards and remember that anythin's possible so long as ya make that true to yerself. just cause somethin' ain't workin' for someone else doesn't mean it ain't gonna work for ya, that's just not how life goes.

i think the only reason why folks are so funky 'bout this situation is cause of the picture proof, when in reality we got plenty of void success stories from anonymous folks or other blogs in general. plenty of people have succeeded to tap into their god state, not just this one person, she ain't supposed to be put on some kinda pedestal simply cause she may or may not have accomplished somethin' that ya haven't yet experienced.

but heres whatcha wanna do--- create yer own proof. ya don't need proof from nobody besides yerself, cause at the end of the day, ya wanna live on creative mode so yer gonna have to take the steps ya need to take in order to take that power back. i don't give a fuck if ya say it's hard at first, yer just gonna have to keep goin'.

don't be sad, use this as motivation to create the truth and the proof ya want and crave. the world is yours to craft however ya want it. when ya have yer dreams and look back at yer spilled tears and moments of stress like this— yer gonna forgive yerself for doubtin' what ya could do in the first place. what you're feelin' right now ain't gonna be permanent unless ya decide to fall back into the victim mentality.

here's a hand ✋, imma pull ya outta that hole you're tryna fall back into. it's time to stop lettin' life beat yer ass and take control over it again, and I don't care how many times ya fall back in that hole, ya better crawl yer ass back outta that fuckin' ditch and keep goin.' stop letting life happen to you and stop accepting what ya don't want.

lots of stuff going on rn. remembered im allowed to use this thing as a blog like. a bit of vulnerability wont kill me lol

my health has been pretty cruddy lately. after quitting sbux i was no longer actively deteriorating from having to mask all the time, but ive been really fatigued+depressed and ive struggled a lot with trying to fix the eating habits that job gave me. recently ive been getting migraines, something which i had not had issue with for years

its all kind of snuck up on me, i guess. its all felt pretty normal. its kinda scary how the onset of this stuff can be slow enough that you dont really notice that your life has come to encompass your house, or on worse days just your room, your bed. the days bleed together and you lose track

i was gonna type 'i didnt notice the loss of functioning capacity bc im pretty used to disappointing myself' which sounds. Real Bad, not gonna lie! it really doesnt feel so dire as that. im a lot slower to accomplish things but i still have ppl caring for me, which im really glad for. i have many joys even if they are small. i get to talk to my loves every day, and think about stories, and exchange songs. were making progress on getting crow proper healthcare. its gonna be okay, its just pretty hard right now

Getting to know your BL mutuals - 2022 Edition

Simple, answer the questions. @ some people. Include the tag 'g2ky BL mutuals 2022' on your post so we can find everyone's answers!

Thank you to the lovely @sunflower-lychee for tagging me! I never get @ in these so I’m very happy 🥰

(Truthfully this year I have been kinda slow with watching new shows BUT I will do my best!) 

What has been the BL that took you by surprise this year?

Love In The Air!

I remember watching the pilot trailer when it aired but truthfully I forgot about this show until everyone started talking about it again 😅 Anyways... I fell in love so fast it’s not even funny. My mental health has been meh at best the past few months and I needed a show like LITA to just watch without having to really think :) Also the cast? Like?! In love with all four of them (especially Noeul).

The Eclipse!

I watched ep 1 when it first came out but never continued the show because I wasn’t feeling it (little did I know 🤡). Everyone was hyping this show up so I made myself sit down and watch it... ended up binging all 6 (aired) episodes and safe to say I was hooked... I mean if anyone on here saw my blog you were probably fed up of me talking about this show (very sorry). So yeah... It’s now one of my favourite BLs. We won’t talk about the cast because I will never stop, lets just say I am now a Neo and khaotung fanpage!  

This technically doesn’t count but I finally watched Bad Buddy this year and I’m mad at myself for waiting so long.

What has been the BL that you felt a bit disappointed with this year?

Cutie Pie- I didn’t dislike it but I found myself getting bored and skipping a lot, especially towards the end... shout out to Perth in that black shirt tho😏 Also loved the side couples

Even Sun- Listen I will do anything for BounPrem but lord I was struggling with this one. Why was the intro so long?! also who wrote the script because ooft. Skipped everything apart from the BounPrem scenes. 

What has been your favourite BL this year?

KinnPorsche- Lets all act surprised! This show was my entire personality all summer and the reason I came back to tumblr lol. Met so many lovely and amazing people because of this show and it will always have a special place in my heart. It also gave us the masterpiece that is Why Don’t You Stay aka my most played song of 2022. Again the cast is everything to me! 

Semantic Error- No explanation needed for this one really. I swear Seoham has been in the military for years! Why is it going so slowly?! 

Between Us- Are we only 4 episodes in? Yes. Do I care? NOPE! After waiting almost 3 years they could just stand in that locker room arguing for 12 episodes and I would still watch every second! As much as i tried not to, I did and still do have high expectations for this show BUT so far everything is perfect- I don’t really care about Team’s friends as characters or the relationship between Bee and Prince? but I also don’t hate it.

Favourite BL couples (not just of 2022)?

This is so hard to narrow down 😭 (I will refrain from going into detail otherwise we will be here all day)

WinTeam (I mean ^) 

RamKing (My Engineer) 

Sangwoo and Jaeyoung (Semantic Error)

PatPran (Bad Buddy)

VegasPete (KinnPorsche)

RainPayu and SkyPrapai (Payu and Pai are THE perfect boyfriends) 

AkkAyan (I truly can’t tell if it’s because I love the characters or if I am just down so bad for First and Khao 🥲)

There’s definitely more couples who should be on this list but my brain isn’t working rn

If you had to suggest a BL for someone what would it be?

Not Me- Everyone needs to watch it at least once in their live

Young Royals- It was actually my friend who doesn’t watch BLs that recommended it to me 

We Best Love- Maybe It’s just me but I adore that show

Also Where Your Eyes Linger so there is someone else who can suffer with me about how short it was! 

What's your non-BL favourite for this year?

This spot is strictly for Alice In Borderland 2 (when it airs) 

BUT

Until then... Business Proposal and Bridgerton.

This was so much harder than i thought it would be omg... anyways my aks are always open and I love talking about anything with anyone so feel free to say hi :) 

Tagging: @ahdriking @kurtstiel and @aleng-neng (and anyone else who wants to join in)

(If any of you already did this and I missed it, I am sorry 😅)

upon finishing past lives

okay, so, as the final credits of past lives showed upon my laptop at around 4AM last night, i felt a giant urge to simply sit and write. i didn't do it right then, deciding to let the feelings and thoughts simmer for a while longer. then, i decided to read the reviews on letterboxd and came across a beautiful story. i went to bed promising myself to go back to what i wanted to write, so as not to lose momentum which is a very big motivator for me. otherwise, i'd simply let the moment slip and this is most definetely not something i wanted to happen with this beautiful piece of media.

i was opening my notes app rn and then decided to write here, for some reason. i've often been feeling the need to share some of my experiences with narrative fiction here, since i started with posting only about jegulus fics, but ended up talking about a movie or whatever. since no one reads here, it's basically my journal and my archive. i have terrible memory so i love to have all kinds of records and archives for things that moved me.

after this enormous introduction, let's talk about past lives.

i had such huge expectations after seeing one of the people in whose opinion i trust the most having loved it, and the general vibe i felt seeing the promo pics and the poster (i just don't like watching trailers for movies), that as i pressed play i was afraid it might turn to disappointment. what i wasn't expecting was the extent it actually surppassed the meeting of them, becoming most definetely my favorite movie i watched for the award season (very late in the game, i know).

something about it felt so familiar and yet so intriguing, i loved the pacing and the dialog. but especially the subtext. i've seen some reviews talking about how much they felt a lack of connection on a deeper, personal level, and my experience watching it could not have been more different.

not all parts of it clicked immediatey with me, i've later read reviews from people who immigrated to the US and realized i totally missed some details about this particular aspect, being a brazillian who never left Brazil. Though i think that, as a latina, there are some cultural aspects that i could absolutely relate to, probabbly from the perspective of a non north american and that was really interesting.

i don't wanna dwell much on the technicalities of the movie, though i believe it so beautifully shot and placed, i loved how much the scenarios add to every frame that appears on screen, the meaningfullness of the backgrounds that add to the subtext. Which is exactly the point i want to dwell on: the subtext. For me, it's one of the strongest aspects of the movie. Unfortunately, i haven't had the best experience on watching to analyze the writing properly, since i watched it via the jack sparrow way (it's not available in brazil ok) and the portuguese subs were kind of botched. Still, the content of every single conversation and it's weight was not lost on me. Though sometimes simple, it was always majestically written (and obviously i can detail better my opinions the english parts, the language i do, in fact understand without needing translation) and powerful.

i've had multiple experiences in my life with people that seem to come and go, but when i take a closer look i come to realize they have never really left. so i connected to the story sooo much, i even dreamt about of of my biggest crushes in middle school, and my first love, who i spent my whole adolescence loving and still is one of my best friends.

timing and the passing thereof, has always been a complicated thing for me to deal with. i remember writing about changes and my loathing of them from a very young age. now, in my early adult life, i find myself seeking those narratives more than i did as a kid. still kinda fearing the absence they'll leave inside me, but also yearning for the reflections they might bring.

i was around 12 years old when i watched boyhood. it was probabbly one of the first movies to ever cause me a hint of an existencial crisis. not in a way you'd expect, though. not in a "omg i need to get a career and wtf am i doing", but in a sense of how it portrayed relationships, the passing of time, etc etc.

as i grew older, focusing on the past 3 years, then came normal people and just this last january, before sunrise.

I re-read np in late 2023 as i felt the need to, when i realized i was falling really in love for the first time ever since my first love, which had a hold on me for almost 7 years (and i'm 20, that's a lot haha). i found that, somehow, it had meant even more to me the second time around.

january, this year, i caved in and watched before sunrise. i also had super high expectations but nothing could ever prepare me for what i received. it became one of my favourite movies ever, and it spoke to parts of me that i had either left uncared for.

to me, past lives came and fed that specific part. all of these pieces of media i spoke a lot on, they talk to and help me understand a feeling i've had in my heart ever since i can remember.

i always had a fascination with something i've come up with, to explain basically the foundation of everything i love, in art, in myself, in life, "the unsaid".

my definition of it, is that the unsaid lies within the dialog, the text, the spoken word, the writing itself. in media and in life. it's like subtext, but maybe even deeper. it's the look you give to your best friend across the room. it's the goodbye that gets trapped inside your throat the last time you talk to someone. it's the touch that never reaches itself out. it's the i love you you don't dare to let slip. it's the look you give someone when you stopped kissing them to just look at them. it's how your eyes light up whenever you see one of your favorite persons in the world. it's when you stop in your tracks in the middle of a party and gaze at your friends, and realize that life can be, in deed, beautiful, and how lucky you are. it also kinda relates to frances ha definition of what she looks for in a relationship, that really stuck with me.

i live for the unsaid. either be it in the art i consumme, or how i experience it in my life. it's what makes existing worth anything, personally. as past lives dialogs sm with this notion. all the scenes where hae sung and nora don't say a word to each other, their look speak millions. that reminded me of one of my favourite scenes from before sunrise, the famous booth scene. in all of the above, i sat unsable to shake a small laughter, or maybe a sly tear, in response to the volume of what was being communicated there.

i consider myself really lucky with the people i have in my life and this movie spoke to this, too. i have a childhood best friend who remains close to me, a sister, really, for over 10 years. i have another childhood friend, who was my first big crush and baby love i ever had, who i used to think i was gonna marry and have children with, to the extent i have drawings of it, still be my best friend to this day. i have friend since middle school, who i fell deeply in love with at the tender age of 13 and who remained my muse very well util my 19th year of being alive, and she was my first girlfriend, the first girl i kissed, and remains my best friend. i've also been lucky to experience such a short but beautifully loving experience with a close friend i made in college, in the latter part of 2023. i haven't really gotten over him, but it's fine, cause ever since watching before sunrise, i realized i had multiple - and i can't believe i'm refferencing tfios in the year of the lord, 2024 - infinities with. though i had grieved what seems to be the ending of our never named, never labelled, situationship, and i still feel a lot of things for him, i've become gratefull for having experience such interesting and soul touching things with him. for opening myself up for it. for admiting my feelings to him. for the leap of faith i took, even if i ended up stranded or hit by rocks at the bottom of the cliff. i'm grateful it happened, even if i still cry about it and have written many songs for him. no matter how long it'll take me to get "over" him, i'll live. and i'm happy it happened. he's become one of my favorite people in this life and this is something i don't say lightly and don't take for granted.

i think to me, the "meaning of life", is to collect this feelings and experiences that turn you into the person you are at the moment. i have no idea of who i'd be without all my influences. i've written mysel, but i was only able to, with the refferences and quotes of every friend i had, every person i loved, everyone who became my family or stopped being it. maybe it's my cancer moon and venus. but i'm really nothing more than a mosaic, a reflection of every single person present in my life (real or parassocial), a collection of words, spoken or not.

and yeah, i barelly spoke directly on past lives, but it's what i always tend to do anyways. i'm not here to make a detailed runthrough, analysis over the cinematography and the script, i might be an acting major but i lack the knowledge (or maybe just doubt i do). but this is, still, my journal, to track my experiences and thoughts. so that's what i did. and i don't think, at least right now, that this movie can really fit into aything i could try to say.

I’m back! Did you missed me? Do you even remember me? lol, I started another job recently and I completely lost track of your story, it’s m 4:55 am rn but I wanted to catch up, and…. I’m at a loss of words

First, are you alright girly? I saw your other post about your partner and I hope you’re okay, and just keep in mind that if they don’t like you just the way your are then they do NOT deserve you at all!! Don’t let IRL Hailey’s (lol) ruin your life! You deserve only the best

Now, for the chapters. Ugh! Both of the baby shower chapters are so fun hahah, you keep putting the ooc tag but i don’t think you give yourself the credit, you are one of the few people in this app that can truly incorporate the essence of each character with your story and your own original characters and without them losing their personal quirks. Also in the talk of original characters,,, what a twist! I didn’t expect Hillary Clinton over there to be such a CUNT! Haha, it’s my fault for always expecting more of men but what else do we do? They’re just here to disappoint us every time (except Pete ofc), but I’m glad he’s out of the picture -romantically-, I want to know more about what happens with him after!

I need to keep telling you about everything I think about your story but I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this so expect another message from me (and another song rec, I’ve missed talking to you) in a couple of hours lmao, love you so much sweetheart 🫶🏻

i have missed you so much my love it is actually borderline insane! like there are several “regulars” i look for in my notifications and whenever i see one of your blog names pop up the serotonin goes bonkers. congrats on the new job bestie, i hope you’re enjoying it and that it is treating you well! while i love the commitment to be caught up please get some sleep bestie poo you need it but also…did i knock your socks off??

i am completely delusional and i’m trying to gaslight myself into thinking things could be worse (because like they could) but due to circumstances i’m financially dependent on my partner so ya girls kinda stuck but its okay because i have aiekoy, my internet besties and the power of delusion so fuck it we ball!

so glad you loved them, i think we all just needed a nice little break from all the angst and i feel like the baby shower chapters were perfect. stawwph i will cry! it is so hard to write for the bear characters there’ll all so complex but i do my best where i can, i mainly started tagging ooc because i got an anon about how horrible aiekoy was because everyone’s ooc and i just don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with that ever again lol. HILARY CLINTON HAS ME GAGGED 😭 no but it was so fun writing that sassy little bitch, because things were outlined entirely differently like baby and hannah was supposed to have like a whole fwb thing going on only for the sole purpose of jealous carmy but i just want to write happy barby together already so bad that we just speed ran hugo’s demise. we will def see him soon so don’t you worry!

good get some sleep you need it to function!! another message and song rec ugh you spoil me! can’t wait to chat with you again lovie have a great day/night 🫶🏽🤍

wizardess heart

perhaps unsurprisingly i was disappointed by this otome's story as well lmao same gripes about the MC, i don't like her personality so throw the whole MC away bc rn all she is a clumsy, kinda dumb, naive, happy-go-lucky, bubbly, spineless FOOL lmao these traits aren't SO BAD but they definitely aren't written well in this story

so a little more backstory with the MC's relationship to the school woulda been nice, i think she mentions offhandedly that she always wanted to go and she was finally accepted?? But like also she sucks at most magic so how did she get in?? Was it an application? or do they just watch out for young hopefuls idk

I THINK it would make more sense if she was orphaned young (bc canonically she lost her parents 2 years b4 the events of the game and like?? that seems like not a lot of time to be completely trauma free about both parents dying?? but i've never lost any parents so maybe its completely normal and i'm the asshole) and had an elderly woman figure help her out with her magic, but only taught her how to work with animals b4 she fell ill and later died :^(

ALSO MY MC WON'T BE A FUCKING PUSHOVER bc frankly i'm sick of it being such a common otome MC trait ok?? jeez

she has this wizard role model guy that she really admires but he's only been offhandedly mentioned like twice?? if he's supposed to be an important plot point then?? act like one maybe???

elias' route

tbh i only played this route so i can't speak on the stories for the other routes but this one really left something to be desired for me... so i wanna see if i can do better lmao

SO ELIAS i thiiiink he’s like the tsundere one? so he suffers from typical otome tsundere love-interest syndrome where he is JUST PLAIN MEAN to the MC but it's ok bc he's hot right? then he like likes you and then he's not mean anymore... AND MY BIGGEST GRIEVANCE with the game was they wouldn't let me stand up for myself when elias treated me poorly like!! IM JUST SO!! PISSED!!! EVERY option where i defended myself from what he said!!! WAS THE WRONG ANSWER!!! he would say smthg mean and i'd be like “that's mean” and the game would be like “he likes u, u bitch, show some respect” LIKE!!!! RLLY NOW !!!

so anyway my first change would be going more in-depth into elias' personality and why he is they way that he is and my solution? give that bitch anxiety! like fr fr i think they mention it in game but like i wanna go all in; i referenced a tweet i happened upon (ik very proper medical diagnosis lol) that sounded exactly like elias so i was like "oh work"

the second change would be to give the story a coherent plot? lmao bc i wrote almost everything down and i still didn't remember wtf happened or what the point of anything was and that a problem lol

hello everyone ◡̈

i just came here real quick to let ya‘ll know I‘m still alive. No haha that‘s not the only reason. But I just wanted to say something about me/my life and the things I have been through. Probably nobody will care about this post so it‘s more like a page in my dairy that I want to look back at one day…

Soo it‘s 2022 and I am 25 years old atm. I started my tumblr in 2011 when I was just 14!!! years old like WOW. Puberty had just set in, my parents just got divorced, I just realized I‘m into girls.. you can imagine it was an emotional rollercoaster 🤷🏼‍♀️ I started this page because Instagram wasn‘t really a thing yet and I just wanted to see what the world has to offer and I guess I just didn‘t want to feel so alone. I was a Belieber back then (still 100% am), a lesbian (still 100% am) and depressed (which I am not anymore) and that‘s the point why I‘m writing this. I remember falling into depression after my parents divorce. They didn’t split up in a respectful way at all and I was just on my own from then on. It‘s really sad to look back at those years… I know there are still kids feeling like this these days, super helpless and lonely. I wish I could hug all of you but instead I want to give you hope with this. There are people who had it much worse than I did but I just want to say there is a way out, there is hope and it will get better I promise you! I know everyone says that but I‘ve been through it. One day you will be old enough to realize that the love of your parents is nice to have - but you can live without. You will realize life and school would be easier without the bullies - but you can get through it, it won‘t break you. Their words and actions won’t break your brave heart. In fact it will strengthen you! School was hard on me as well but the bullies have made me sooooooo confident you have no idea. I remember on my last day at school I just hit the shit out of one of my bullies and it felt so good I‘d do it again and again lol. My parents are still divorced, my mom married again which was H E L L for me cause I still lived at home until I was 17 years, my step father and my mom were alcoholic, my step father was violent, rude and just an absolute dickhead. I moved out with 17 to free myself and life because even worse for the next 3 years. I felt lonely again, I had to process all the things I went through, I was still a teenager. I didn‘t know what kinda job I wanna do, whatever education I started I couldn’t finish cause I was just so depressed. My family didn’t believe in me anymore they thought I was the disappointment of the family… now that I look back at it all I can say is „damn chill your balls, I was just 17 years old, being depressed for at least 3 years.. instead of being disappointed think about what I had to go through and better think of the help that I could need from yall to find my path“…

When I was 18 I bought my own dog and in some way she really saved me! I love her more than words could ever express and I‘d do anything for her. At 20 I realized that it is okay if I don‘t have a job yet just because others do. I realized that I don‘t need to have my shit together yet. I realized I need therapy, I need medication and I need healing. I realized that I love my mother deeply, I really do but I realized she is the way she is, she will continue to hurt me at times, she will continue toxic behavior but I will not let it get to me anymore. Growing up is so much fun guys. It‘s not in the moments you are hurt but seeing where you have started and how far you have come is just so moving and fun, I‘m actually crying rn because I am so proud of myself wow. I have been through hell but here I am. Kind, gentle, I love to spread love, proud of my sexuality, proud of just me.

Don‘t get me wrong I still have bad days. I still have days where I can’t get out of bed or shower. I still have days where I don’t want to go to work because it stresses and scares me. THATS NORMAL. THAT OKAY. THATS FINE. You are a goddamn human being with feelings!!!! Allow yourself to feel those feelings!! You are allowed to be scared and to take a day off! Make yourself some hot chocolate or tea, grab your blanket and netflix and allow yourself to take a break. :)

In 2020 I got into a relationship which only lasted 7 months but made me age at least 5 years. It was absolute hell, the most toxic thing I’ve ever had to go through and it made me so depressed again. I thought I was only happy if that person was there. I wasn’t happy in the relationship and I didn’t feel like I was getting back what I was giving but their toxic and selfish behavior made me thing my feelings are not valid so I stayed. I cried myself to sleep every other night while I had to hear things like „what are you crying about now?“ „this depressed life you living isn’t for me I wanna be happy“ „you ask for too much“… when I didn’t realize that it was the relationship that made me depressed. On September 22, 2020 I freed myself from that relationship. Today I can say that on this day I was born again. <3

That time was really hard on me but I needed it. As weird as it sounds but I needed it for a fact. I needed to see, hear and feel what I DONT want in my life. I needed to find my own boundaries, my self confidence… and after it ended I also needed to learn how to be alone and not feel like hell. Last year with 24 I finally learned that I don‘t need someone else to make me happy but I can be happy on my own. I realized I do have hobbies and talents, I realized time for myself feels good. I‘m in a relationship again and I am the happiest I have ever been. As a person and in my relationship. I found someone with pure intentions, with a pure heart and soul. Someone who treats me how I deserve it, someone who appreciates my actions and love and someone where I 100% get back what I give. <3 As I said there are still bad days and there are still things I need to learn. I‘m 25 years old and if you think you‘re all grown up then.. no you are not, believe me. You still don‘t know all you need to know. You will still learn a bunch of things, you will change, you will get better, you will heal. Some things that I still wanna get better at are keeping my apartment clean, going to work even on bad days (more often), get my education done (2 more years) and improve my personal hygiene. ♡

I am 25 and I still need to learn, improve, and heal. But I have been through hell on earth and I am just so proud of myself and where I‘ve come from. And I know that you can do it too. It gets better darling, it gets better. <3

okay i haven’t really been Talking about it here bc all of my word vomit is on twitter (or towards my poor friends who probably deserve a Break) which really it shouldn’t be i do NOT want to become a fandom twitter but that stupid algorithm...... i need to get off anyways

i’ve had so many thoughts about this season - both good and bad - and i could go into a whole thing here and that’s the point to this blog but i ALSO know lots of people are so over hearing about this show (and tho, tbf towards myself, i am a star wars blog and that’s already tragic and embarrassing on its own LMAO) so idk. I’ve just felt weird.

I also suppose I feel weird about people’s reactions to people who enjoy the show? Like it’s this whole “well, what did you expect, idiot?” which is just. Not necessary. Like, for myself, I went in knowing something would bother me bc that’s been a constant for all the seasons and it became so uncomfortable and upsetting and worst in s3 (I will never forgive the absolute assassination of Hopper’s character). So personally I went in not being as hyped for this show as for Kenobi, but then I watched the first 8 minutes preview and it got me excited as it felt like we were going back thematically to the mystery-horror shit of the first season, which is exactly what I wanted.

And honestly tbf I am surprised that for some reason my brain has grabbed onto this show so much bc like. Kenobi’s right there. Giving me all I ever wanted. And there was only one episode that really bothered me, so? Whatever. Not the point.

But yes, I did get attached to the new character who I knew from the beginning would be offed. And so I was unsurprised it happened. But honestly seeing the reaction of people going “It’s a bad show with bad history, what did you expect?” to people is just. Mean? Yes, there’s a lot of bad but some really amazing things too, and in this day and age where a lot of media is disappointing, do we really need to kick people for trying to enjoy something? lmao

So like. I feel odd bc I knew going in there’d be disappointment (super surprised and glad there was still a lot I enjoyed) so I didn’t expect a lot, but like. Does that mean I should be rude to people who are really upset by things? No. And we have to remember not everyone consuming media is a millennial and that some people are attached to it for a variety of reasons, including growing up with it. (Nvm all the queer people with genuine reason to be interested in it.)

And yeah, like I said, I knew I’d be bothered by something. The fact that that something also happens to be caused by something I knew was going to happen seems silly, and Yet. That doesn’t make a difference? Feelings don’t care about shit like that, and yeah, originally bc I expected it I wasn’t as bothered - like I cried a lot for this season - but actually. Now I’m more bothered as time went on bc I feel like, once again, a story did a character (many characters tbh, don’t talk to me about how annoyed I am with what they did to my other blorbo) dirty, and poorly. And it feels weird bc I have this knowledge of “what did you expect” which is. Yeah, I did expect it, doesn’t change anything? Still feel upset, like genuinely upset now.

It sucks to have creators who do things that feel unnecessary or even mean-spirited towards something you enjoy, esp something important to you (whether you want it to be or not), but it’s also kind of really crappy that, just bc someone isn’t enjoying the media and thus is like “Well, it’s been bad this whole time!” that they’re comfortable just. Being kinda rude. Like yeah, we know. And I get it’s just a joke and yes, it’s fair, but also just. Kinda crappy. There are blacklists and block buttons and muting you can do y’all. idk

I woke up in a weird funk I suppose. Also I feel bad for become an ST blog rn, I’m sure my brain will latch onto something else in time. Like always, I tag everything so, you know. Use the blacklist lmao

UPDATE 8

Wow! So it’s been almost 2 years (like literally almost to the day) since I posted "Update 1″, and boy oh boy did a lot of shit happen.

- I went back to work - I never got that internship that woulda changed my life (oh well) - I’ve gotten to travel way more than I woulda thought possible 2 years ago (not the traveling itself, I love to travel and have access/ability to but moreso in terms of the pandemic/state of the world) - I still don’t have a great grasp on my depression. I know I have it. I know. And its definitely a rollercoaster but shit triggers me and idk what to do ya know? I end up feeling like a zombie. - I almost got my dream job. But didn’t. When I say dream job, I mean I have literally been dreaming about it since I was 12 or 13 years old. I reapplied when a reopening was posted but I think I’m just not meant to be. Like that scene in La La Land (god I love La La Land, like its my favorite movie of all time kinda love) when Mia is explaining that maybe her dreams will never pan out bc maybe shes not good enough? Or maybe she’s just one of those (many) people who has always wanted something but its just a pipe dream that needs to be moved on from. Its not like thats what I want, but its whats realistic and you cant be disappointed if your expectation is disappointment, ya know? - My sister moved out and I’m really happy for her but things seem to be happening for her and other people and it feels like everyone around me and I’m just stuck??? I’m not sure theres a better way for me to explain it other than that. Its no ones fault, but everyday of my adult like theres this slight, nagging feeling that my life is simply one long series of unfortunate events. And yes, good things are woven in and its not like everyday is some big, unbearable catastrophe but some days definitely are. I really don’t know how else to explain it. I think its beyond depression. I’d never hurt myself or someone else but I had this shit realization the other day that I don’t remember the last time I was like really, truly, unbelievably happy (not just with one thing, or day, or event) but like GENUINELY happy in life. And I don’t know that I ever will be again. Idk I sound so shitty rn. - I hate my job but love the people. I also have no other options in life it feels like. WHAT DO I DO?!

Anyways the absolute lunacy of the bullets above, I’m trying to move on in/through life as well as possible. And I wanna become better. In all facets. I gained a lot weight back. Which makes me angry and disappointed. My highest ever was 197 and the other day I was 195 again. Again. Can you believe that shit? My family while I love them are bad influences and have been for a really, really long time. I feel like I just give in bc 1) their expectation is that I’m fat and thats never gonna change so who are you kidding and 2) were all doing it (eating and being fat) so who cares? and 3) its like they think im judging them or being unfair to them when I wanna better myself. Idk. Its not intentionally malicious but the consequences feel dire.

SO ANYWAYS!!!!!!!! God I need to learn to shut up. I’ve lost 3lbs in the last week and back to 192. Slowly making progress but FOR REAL THIS TIME. And I know I said that last time, but circumstances are different and theres no more excuses.

On that note I’m gonna go to Safeway rn and go buy some fruit bc I’m hungry and if I wanna eat thats what I’m gonna let myself eat. I know I shouldnt starve but also eating like a piggly wiggly has so far gotten me no where.

I’m gonna end this here. This is therapeutic for reezie and I feel better just reflecting on this insane rambly episode I’ve just had. Yall pray for me for reezie and I shall be doing the same. LETS STOP WEIGHTING FOR CHANGE YALL!

P.S. My cat keeps walking across my chest and around the room yapping to be let out but I don’t get why he doesn’t get that I love him too much and I wanna be around him 24/7 bc he makes me feel better. But also he’s a cat and a dummy at that so I guess I should be happy he spends any time indulging me at all.

P.P.S. I, like the rest of the world, am in the middle of a Stranger Things Binge and volume 2 of ST4 was released today. V1 was released at the end of May but I waited til now to watch bc I wanted to rewatch and I wanted to be able watch all of ST4 at once and not have to wait which was deff the right call. I started V1 yesterday and finished it this morning and am now on ep 8 of 9 and idk WHAT I woulda done if I woulda had to wait a month to continue, like fuckkkkk that lmao. But anywho I’m gonna continue but I want some fruit to have so I’m gonna finish the other half of ep 8 and then ep 9 when I get back from the store (also holy shit ep 9 is apparently 150 mins???? thats 2 and 1/2 hours thats a fucking movie bro!!!!) but yeah. I’m lowkey stressed to finish it though bc 1) i lowkey dont like this whole steve/nancy plot. I know a lot of ppl do but I really like her w jonathan so yeah. and 2) I’m scared Eddie will die. He’s a really great character and I think hes really cute and its not fair that the worst has been assumed of him. I relate to that. I know some major character is expected to die in these final two eps and I really hope its not him, but also I really hope they were just lying to us bc I literally dont want anyone to die. I mean mike is prob my least fav but still i love mike and dont want him to die. also theres no way in hell theyd ever kill off finn wolfhard so thats an unrealistic expectation anyway. So heres to eddie, steve, and all those mfers bc I really do love this show and these crazy ass characters. But most of all, to my fav character, erica. BC YA CAN’T SPELL AMERICA WITHOUT ERICA BITCHHHH.

things/moments that i'm feeling grateful for rn:

amy telling me, "i was so excited when i saw u text the " ~ " symbol (acts out the symbol with her body, like a funny eel) ... bc i text that too!" we both agreed that it's like sending out and receiving energy... like an energy wave ~

making a ratatouille again. this may sound weird, but it's bringing me back to my really hearty vegan cooking days - especially when i was spending all my days from light til' dark cosied up in fisher library studying my butt off. i'd go to woolworths in hurstville in the evening and buy groceries and cook until late so i could pack these big containers of vegetable-filled soups, stir fries, curries, or savoury baked goods for future me next day at the library. i looked after myself so well <3 sometimes i forget that that's enough. everyday i'm beating myself up for not saving the world ah... for not doing everything i can to fix all the things i learnt about at uni... especially in gender studies... it sounds silly and obvs impossible and a bit white saviour-ish... but my brain really does get that hopeful and therefore really does get that disappointed. feeling like i'm needing to be there to catch myself more often. thinking about what it feels like and looks like to befriend myself again, to be a good friend to myself, not a bully <3 maybe more writing...

seeing pem at the door yesterday. she always waits at the door. this is something i noticed more bc pat said it's rude not to. she waits so diligently, she's so patient and sturdy. like the turtle she is. wah, i've missed emma. i've missed her voice too! idk what it is but it soothes me, like a song-filled sigh. i also really enjoyed watching the way she receives offerings of food. i feel like her mum did a really good job of this, thinking of and treating food as medicinal, vital, and abundant. the way emma talks about her mum's cooking and how it restores her energy makes me sure of this. but yeah, i just remember her trying the freeze-dried durian, and being like, "yum! this is good!" and accepting my invitation for more so readily, ah it makes me happy. and when cass offered the nachos, aw! the way she perked up! and when i offered pandan tea. wah. this also makes me think of when gonzalo and raul came to mow the lawn yesterday too. when i went to give them the bottle of cold water and two glasses, i peered into the bowl i left on the brick wall at the front of our house; a cute bundle of empty wrappers, they ate it all up ~ and when i asked if they wanted more, raul so happily accepted, and said, "the little mochi's!" gesturing the size of the mochi he'd eaten with his thumb and index finger, a little apart. i felt like the freaking lord of snacks handing out the contents of all these mega-sized cosco packets lol. legit goals. i actually felt uncannily like pem's mum in those moments yesterday, redistributing the snacks pat bought. hanging out in her mum's kitchen the first time, i was just like, wow, this is legit my goals in life. the cool, clean feeling tiles, the industrial style kitchen - burners galore, stainless steel surfaces (drool), the mountain of snacks... (dried jackfruit, squid, u frkn name it lmao). the two little metal chairs and little circular glass topped table. each surface was sturdy, cool, and clean feeling. like the kinda feeling where like... you feel massaged by everything? and everything was just like... simple. things u could be easily contented by. i'm remembering chatting with viv last last weekend as we walked in the patchy sun over to camp after descending mt kosciuszko. she was telling me about a subject she studied at usyd - the philosophy of happiness. we talked abt how the word "happy" didn't necessarily accurately describe the feeling we were after... or... what felt most, pleasurable or meaningful i guess? i told her, "i feel more represented nowadays by the words 'satiated' or 'content', happy doesn't feel real to me." but yeah idk at the same time, i think this is a very asian thing... like my mum always talks in these euphemisms abt fermentation, like letting feelings and thoughts ferment, age, and evolve i guess. but also lay dormant. maybe it's bc "happy" doesn't feel like it lasts forever, like it's a very strong, sweet flavour. but "satiated", "content", that lasts a long time. to me, the word "happy" sounds like a moment of flight, like, upwards. like "ha" (flap) - "ppy" (flap). or like... the "ha" part is opening the wings and "ppy" is pushing the air down. but then "happiness" is like, up, up, down. "ness" is very like, sinking down, sliding down, letting out something, steam or air, but landing or fading. ........ (ok i'm gonna leave it there) enough thoughts on here for tonight ... over n out

How Do I Stop Regretting Being Alive?

This is gonna be a rough post cause I'm in a low mood, so please don't read if you don't like this kinda stuff.

Life's been.... rough.

College is stressing me out.

Holidays stress me out.

And my family is not fucking helping.

The thing about me is I like to not show when I'm feeling bad. This has a name, but I can't remember what it's called. Whatever.

Recently, my mom got mad at me because I don't put in enough effort, whether that be in how I look (because I'm minimalist, I wear hoodies all the fucking time because they calm me down, and I have crazy hair cause I already stress about enough), my dislike of holidays (because I think getting gifts besides cash or gift cards is too much and it's too stressful for more, and since my parents don't like that I do that, I don't do gifts), or because of my low grades in college. (I have fucking 80s in my classes, get off my ass, I'm struggling.)

Also, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and these things run in my family (along with several other health problems I know I have or I might have), but my parents refuse to listen when I tell them this because they want to believe there's nothing wrong with me. (That's also why I rarely ever went to the doctor as a kid and only went to the dentist when I was supposed to or when it hurt too badly to eat.)

This post is mainly about what happened the day before I'm typing it. I went to visit a large part of my family, and I showed up like I usually do: hoodie, slightly messy hair, and tired as shit. Now, of course, my parents were upset that I came in that condition. Tbh, I was gonna stay for maybe an hour just so I wouldn't get text after text of "Why didn't you show up?" (Also cause the food is always good at these get togethers)

So.... yeah. My mom got mad, yelled at me, went and got my dad, he yelled at me, and I may have started crying.

AND WOOPDEEDOODAH DID THEY GET MORE MAD!

So, I have a bad habit of hiding my emotions. Why? Cause I'm supposed to be the one with nothing wrong! I can't cry or be upset or be stressed or sick or fucking anything besides healthy and happy and straight! And because of that, I taught myself to bottle everything up, emotions and pain, and keep it under wraps.

But because of my stress, I broke down. They just kept yelling and said they were so disappointed in me. "You're an adult! Act like one!" Like my mom didn't cry when I was 15-16 about my dad not looking at her fucking Facebook page.

So yeah, I went home, thought about life, realized that I regret not taking my life when I was a teen, thought about therapy, remembered how shit therapy was as a teen (cause she told my parents fucking everything and that destroyed my confidence in any therapist after that), thought about texting someone and asking for advice, then realized that I also don't have anyone I can text about something like that cause I don't have any close friends anymore.

So.... yeah.... we'll see where it goes from here I guess.

Idk. Life is just too hard rn.

icl i’m still super disappointed by salah’s lack of advocacy for palestine rn. his video asking for humanitarian aid into gaza simply wasn’t enough. those kinda statements are an easy way to check off ✅ saying something. he didn’t even use the word PALESTINE in the video, let alone mention ethnic cleansing or genocide. i rly thought he’d say something over international break like that algerian player did. if the argument is that the prem or liverpool fc won’t allow him, why not use the international break as an opportunity? besides, i don’t even buy that excuse cos if there’s anyone who can get away w it at liverpool, it’s mo; he’s vital and big enough to need not fear repercussions. i know some people will say he doesn’t owe us anything and ask why i even care that this one person hasn’t spoken up, but i think it’s valid to have higher expectations from literally the biggest public figure in the arab world…

having said this, i do try to remind myself that i have no idea what i’d do in his situation; if my greatest passion, career, livelihood and family’s safety could put at risk by speaking out.

what do you think?

i have no idea if the fa's rules also apply to pl players during international break but i do agree that if anyone's relatively safe from getting harsh punishment or suspension by the club they're in, it's mo, because suspending him will be self-sabotage for lfc both on and off the pitch. whether lfc will defend him (or will be able to do so) from higher regulatory bodies is something i also have no idea about. perhaps he is still wary considering what happened to özil before, but i don't remember well enough if özil was as vital to arsenal at that time as salah is right now to liverpool.

i think mo's got a few people advising him on what he can say and i sort of understand that but i also can't help but be disappointed at the silence after his video. i wouldn't presume to know what to do in such a situation but i also don't have to because i'm not a well-known figure anywhere and don't have much online reach. i myself am active online but more careful irl (due to reasons i won't get into) so i guess i know about having a real threat of harm or financial ruin to me and my family loom over my head, but i don't think my situation is that comparable to mo's. i don't think we should try and think about "what would you do if you were in x's position" because we simply aren't. and i agree that we can't expect much from people with some celebrity status nowadays and the parasocial element when it comes to sports probably makes this a bit harder, i guess. idk. but there's also something to be said about how the issue at hand is a genocide and what you mentioned about mo being a different sort of public figure, and also about how football regulatory bodies are consistently shit about human rights. it's worth noting, however, that a few women's football players have expressed some support for a ceasefire (leah williamson and lucy bronze, i believe, among the english players). idk if wsl/england wnt are not under the same fa rulings as the pl, and if they aren't, it's funny and stupid in different ways.

all that shit i typed to basically say idk the circumstances surrounding his silence but i don't think we're wrong for feeling disappointed.

So idk what in doing. Im gonna explain why i need to die. First of all nobody can convince me that i deserve to live because im a waste of space and oxygen. Everyday i wake up and play games or draw. I dont do anything productive such as studying or reading or exercising. Im too lazy to do stuff like that. Im too lazy to even write rn 😭 i wish my mind could write it for me and i wouldnt need my fingers to type. Im so lazy i dont clean my room, but its not like its too messy i just have to fold my clothes and vacuum and organise. Ok nvm my room is messy. I disappoint my mon. Sometimes i just cant bring myself to do the chores i do them from time to time but i sometimes scoff and throw myself in my bed. I dont see myself in the future. Yeah sure i have drawing skillz but can i really turn them into a job?? Nuh uh artists dont get paid a lot and its going to be even more horrible. Jobs for artist could be: commissions but you have to be very popular on social media, i mean its kinda optional but you need a lot of commissions to pay the bills. Another job as an artist could be clout but its almost same as the commissions. There are a lot of jobs, but its not like i can do any of them. They require skillz that i dont have. You could improve but it takes a lot of time. Art is just another hobby and i dont think i would take it to next level. Another reason that i should die?? For i should die?? Fuck english, is that im fucking ugly. I hate my hair because for at least 2 or 3 years i always kept it in a low ponytail because i look uglier with my hair down. I hate myself i wish I wasn’t so self conscious about my hair . I wish i could get a cool haircut without my mom saying something about it. I would still look cringe with a cool haircut cuz people dont really see me with my hair down not even my mom, and if i let my hair down they gonna b like :”omg she finnally let go of the ponytail” or sum like respectfully stfu, youre making me more insecure. I hate my face. I have a lot of pimples on my forehead. I mean its normal to have pimples but it isnt for me. Like what the fuck???? I havent eaten shit like chips and coke in since summer vacation started and my skin still looks horrible. Its true i sometimes forget to do the skin care routine because im lazy. I hate my eyebrowz. They are so fucking thick😭. I wish i should just give them a slimmer shape but my mom says that my eyebrowz are ok. Yeah, no. They arent. I hate my teeth. They are so yellowish because i sometimes forget to brush my teeth and even if i remember to brush them and actually do it, i give out no effort and i just move the brush in my mouth for 30 seconds and then leave. I dont have the BEST hygiene, i do shower two times a week but i dont really brush my hair or my teeth. I hate being a girl. I dont wanna shave but i still have to because i dont look “feminine” or some shit like stfu i dont wanna shave im lazy. In the end i still shave cuz my mom tells me its for the better. So i hate myself so much, i wanna rip my hair off my head and scream loud AAAAA. And if im so ugly, nobody would want me. I need to be pretty to feel loved. I crave some much attention and love nobody understands. I mean, my parents love me right?? Idk they both are at they jobs and come home late and idk if they forget about me or nah. So now, i have the MOST important reason why i should die. Im egoist and narcissist. I only care for myself, i do things for myself, not for others. I imagine or daydream how i would get a lot of attention and that narcissism because uhhhh i read on the internet and ur prolly gonna be like “dont believe whats on the internet” well fuck it i mean it makes sense to be narcissist and imagine getting a lot of attention. Im a bad person, i make people around me disappointed or sad. So yeah, these were all the reasons why i should die. There's one more reason. I'm stupid but I'm not gonna explain everything you get the point.

.

Origin Story - Part 3

ER Nurse Rafe x ER Nurse Reader

Part 1 Part 2 

Warnings: Unprofessional work environment stuff. Alcohol consumption. Cursing. Unedited, will go through and edit later.

Not my photo. All credit to owner/creator. <3

The next couple weeks you focused on being a new nurse in the Emergency Department. Your life was filled with shifts with a preceptor and tons of classes and trainings. 

You were thankful for being so busy because otherwise you would be constantly ruminating on the night at Crazy 8′s and what you said to Rafe. You can’t believe how drunk you got in front of your brand new coworkers and how shamelessly you flirted with Rafe. And the worst part was: you didn’t know how he took it. Really the last time you said more than a couple words to each other was when he started your IV that next morning. It seemed like everything was okay, but you flushed every time you saw him on the floor. And then you’d curse at yourself for having such a crush on a guy. 

-

You were by yourself in the med room, finishing up at the Pyxis, pulling meds for your patient when Rafe walked in. 

“Hey Y/L/N, I feel like every time I see you, you’re running around. How’re you doing?” Rafe asked, taking your spot at the Pyxis. 

“Doing good!” You told him, almost too enthusiastically. “How are you?” 

Rafe let out a little chuckle at your new formality with him. “I’m good.” 

You hesitated for a second looking at Rafe’s back while he faced the Pyxis, wondering if you should bring up what you were thinking. 

“Listen, Rafe.” He turned around once he heard the serious tone in your voice, causing you to look down for a second before meeting his gaze again. “I want everyone here to see me as competent and I want to maintain everyone’s respect, including your’s. ...so that night at the bar, when you took me home I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I’m just really embarrassed that I-” 

“Y/N, you don’t have to say anything. Everyone here has had a night at Crazy 8′s and you didn’t say anything that night that you should worry about, okay? I already know you’re a badass nurse who’s more competent then some of our seasoned RNs. You have all of our respect, including mine.” 

You smiled at him and nodded. 

You started to turn away, but then stopped yourself, “But didn’t I kinda throw myself at you when you brought me to my apartment?” You asked, putting your hand to your forehead and scrunching your eyes shut, only peeking at him when you heard him chuckle breathlessly. 

“Uhh, yeah, you might have tried to flirt a little. But like I said, you didn’t say anything I didn’t want to hear.” He looked you in the eyes, trying to gauge your reaction.

Your lips parted and you opened your mouth to speak, when your preceptor for the day popped her head in. “Y/N, come on, bed 12 is going for CT.” 

-

The following weekend was Edgar’s birthday which brought everyone back to Crazy 8′s that Friday night. You were determined to go and only maintain a slight buzz and classy behavior the entire night to make up for the last time you were at the ED crew’s favorite bar. 

The night started out with everyone buying Edgar shots and of course, Edgar dancing the night away. At one point, Edgar and you were out on the dance floor with everyone else. The birthday boy had a cocktail in hand he was sipping from. You didn’t notice, but as the two of you danced, Edgar saw his best friend behind you. Edgar mischievous grin grew on his face before forcefully twirled you away from him and into Rafe’s chest. 

“Woah, watch where you’re twirling Rookie. If you wanted to dance, you could have just asked, you didn’t have to tackle me.” He teased.

You rolled your eyes, “You flatter yourself too much Cameron. You can thank your bestie over there for launching me into you.” As you let Rafe grab your hand and twirl you around. 

“Oh, don’t worry I will.” He smirked, and nodded at Edgar who made an obscene gesture that the 2 of you just laughed at. 

The two of you continued to dance for a few songs and it was innocent enough, until a sensual song came on. Your hands had a mind of their own as they moved to rest on Rafe’s shoulders and his settled on your waist. 

As the song continued and the alcohol coursed through your veins, you felt your inhibitions fading as your fingers laced together behind his neck and he pulled you closer as his hands gripped lower on your waist and the small of your back, dangerously close to your ass. Your smiles both faded as you looked into his eyes and your lips parted. 

The song was coming to an end. “I think I need some air” You whispered, still looking in Rafe’s eyes. He looked toward the balcony patio and turned, firmly holding your hand, pulling you behind him and maneuvering his way through the crowd for you. 

The cold air hit you and instantly sobered you a little, which honestly, only made you more sure of your attraction to your new coworker. It also didn’t help that outside was completely empty. It was just the 2 of you. 

Rafe pulled you close to the railing where there was a beautiful view of the city lights. “Better?” He asked as he leaned on the railing. 

You followed suit but shivered at the cold metal hitting your skin coupled with the chill of the outside air. “Yeah. Just a little cold. But good.”

“Here” Rafe said, as he slipped his flannel off. 

“Oh no. It’s okay, I’m fine-” 

“Just put it on Y/N.” Rafe smirked at you. You smiled and slipped it on, not missing the sweet smell of his cologne wrapped around you.

You both leaned on your elbows against the railing and looked out at the view in a moment of silence. 

“So beautiful” you muttered in a blissful tone. 

“Yeah” Rafe agreed quietly, but you turned to see he was looking at you and not the view. Your eyes widened ever so slightly and your mouth dropped open a little. Before you could stop yourself your lips were on his. 

You felt like you had been struck by lightning and you couldn’t stop from moaning softly against Rafe causing him to let out a gentle grunt before you both opened your mouths and deepend the kiss.

The kiss was only getting more passionate when you had a moment of clarity. You pushed at Rafe’s chest and pulled away. “Shit!” You cursed closing your eyes, hitting your palm to your forehead and turning away from Rafe.

“Y/N-“ Rafe tried to stop your impending freak out he already knew was coming.

“I’m such an idiot!” You exclaimed. “I can’t believe I’m making out with my coworker I’ve known for what? Like 3 weeks?!”

“Hey! Relax. It’s fine.” Rafe tried again.

“Of course you think it’s fine! Every girl at work probably throws themselves at you! And now you think I’m just another-“

“Y/N!” Rafe grabbed your shoulders, “Chill! I’ve never made a move on a coworker before, so don’t worry about that. And I don’t see you like that. You’re not just some girl.”

“Rafe we barely know each other!” You reminded him,  “Can we just forget this happened please?!” You asked exasperated and still freaking out. You didn’t miss the disappointment flood Rafe’s face, but you were too freaked out and buzzed to do anything about it.

“Yeah, of course.” he agreed easily. 

You shuffled your feet back and forth and took a deep breath.

“Are we good? Is it gonna be all awkward now?” You asked, still stressing.

Rafe laughed, “Why ‘cause you’re a bad kisser?” He teased and answered your question for you.

Your mouth dropped open in offense, “Shut up! Take it back!”

“Make me!” Rafe furrowed his brow at you. And you punched him in the shoulder.

“Ow! I’m just kidding. Lighten up, Rookie. Yeah, we’re fine. ...Are you good?” He asked, giving your hand a squeeze.

“Good.” You smiled, squeezing back. “Kay, I’m gonna go back in first, okay?” 

And you started to turn, “Wait, Y/N.”

You groaned, “Cameron! Don’t make this harder! We can’t-” 

“I was just gonna say, I kinda need my shirt back, if we’re gonna play this off.” He said. 

You almost died from embarrassment. “Oh yeah! Right, right right! I’m so dumb. I’m sorry- I “ 

“Y/N!” Rafe stopped you from going off on a tangent while laughing at your ability to easily fall back into a freak out. 

“Yeah” You agreed and shrugged off his flannel, handing it back to him.

Of course, you panicked when you got home and tossed and turned worrying about what happened between you and Rafe.

Then, you got a text message from an unknown number

Unknown #: Stop worrying about it.

You knew it was Rafe, but you didn’t have his number saved. 

You: How do you have my phone number, stalker?

Rafe: We have unit directory, Rookie.

You: Likely story. How’d you know I was worrying?

Rafe: Lucky guess ;) We can forget it happened 

Rafe: ...if you want to.

You stomach dropped and you took a second before you dialed Rafe’s number. 

“Hey” He greeted. 

“What if I don’t want to forget it happened?” You asked.