as soon as regulus claims someone as a friend or partner - he is CUDDLY. he is such a cuddler. specifically with james. he needs constant physical assurance and contact. he loves james' hands because james has big hands and when they hold hands, james' completely engulf regulus' and it makes him a little dizzy to think about. he loves when they're standing anywhere and james puts both hands on his waist, rubbing circles on his hipbones. other times he will latch onto james' arm like a parasite and he will not let go. when they're home he often finds james lounging and will just. launch himself at him and cuddle up against his chest, on his back, against his side, limbs completely intertwined. when regulus has a bad day he comes home sniffly and demands james to lie on top of him like a weighted blanket. he loves latching onto james in their sleep, he does not allow two inches of space to come between them. he's always brushing his fingers through james' hair and he will always fall asleep during a movie if james touches his hair, runs gentle fingers across his cheeks, his back, or arms. when they sit on the couch he always tucks his feet underneath james' thigh to keep warm. james always thrives on giving regulus massages, and he melts every time, getting sleepy but flustered by james' touch. they're also mega annoying at parties because they get so handsy when they're drunk. as soon as regulus takes a sip of alcohol he's practically ripping james' clothes off, fussy and trying to touch every spare inch of him. they contrast well, too - james is a living, walking furnace and regulus is always very cold, grabbing at james to warm him up by wrapping his arms around him. regulus is so fussy about it, needy for any bit of touch james will offer him.

Probably James Potter about Regular Black at some point

when you live on an island

nothing ever falls in place

the winters are violent

and you can't ever feel your face

you can't fucking feel your face.

( dead poets society / ones who love you by alvvays )

when you think that there's no way a lightening falls on the same place twice... yeah there is

upon finishing past lives

okay, so, as the final credits of past lives showed upon my laptop at around 4AM last night, i felt a giant urge to simply sit and write. i didn't do it right then, deciding to let the feelings and thoughts simmer for a while longer. then, i decided to read the reviews on letterboxd and came across a beautiful story. i went to bed promising myself to go back to what i wanted to write, so as not to lose momentum which is a very big motivator for me. otherwise, i'd simply let the moment slip and this is most definetely not something i wanted to happen with this beautiful piece of media.

i was opening my notes app rn and then decided to write here, for some reason. i've often been feeling the need to share some of my experiences with narrative fiction here, since i started with posting only about jegulus fics, but ended up talking about a movie or whatever. since no one reads here, it's basically my journal and my archive. i have terrible memory so i love to have all kinds of records and archives for things that moved me.

after this enormous introduction, let's talk about past lives.

i had such huge expectations after seeing one of the people in whose opinion i trust the most having loved it, and the general vibe i felt seeing the promo pics and the poster (i just don't like watching trailers for movies), that as i pressed play i was afraid it might turn to disappointment. what i wasn't expecting was the extent it actually surppassed the meeting of them, becoming most definetely my favorite movie i watched for the award season (very late in the game, i know).

something about it felt so familiar and yet so intriguing, i loved the pacing and the dialog. but especially the subtext. i've seen some reviews talking about how much they felt a lack of connection on a deeper, personal level, and my experience watching it could not have been more different.

not all parts of it clicked immediatey with me, i've later read reviews from people who immigrated to the US and realized i totally missed some details about this particular aspect, being a brazillian who never left Brazil. Though i think that, as a latina, there are some cultural aspects that i could absolutely relate to, probabbly from the perspective of a non north american and that was really interesting.

i don't wanna dwell much on the technicalities of the movie, though i believe it so beautifully shot and placed, i loved how much the scenarios add to every frame that appears on screen, the meaningfullness of the backgrounds that add to the subtext. Which is exactly the point i want to dwell on: the subtext. For me, it's one of the strongest aspects of the movie. Unfortunately, i haven't had the best experience on watching to analyze the writing properly, since i watched it via the jack sparrow way (it's not available in brazil ok) and the portuguese subs were kind of botched. Still, the content of every single conversation and it's weight was not lost on me. Though sometimes simple, it was always majestically written (and obviously i can detail better my opinions the english parts, the language i do, in fact understand without needing translation) and powerful.

i've had multiple experiences in my life with people that seem to come and go, but when i take a closer look i come to realize they have never really left. so i connected to the story sooo much, i even dreamt about of of my biggest crushes in middle school, and my first love, who i spent my whole adolescence loving and still is one of my best friends.

timing and the passing thereof, has always been a complicated thing for me to deal with. i remember writing about changes and my loathing of them from a very young age. now, in my early adult life, i find myself seeking those narratives more than i did as a kid. still kinda fearing the absence they'll leave inside me, but also yearning for the reflections they might bring.

i was around 12 years old when i watched boyhood. it was probabbly one of the first movies to ever cause me a hint of an existencial crisis. not in a way you'd expect, though. not in a "omg i need to get a career and wtf am i doing", but in a sense of how it portrayed relationships, the passing of time, etc etc.

as i grew older, focusing on the past 3 years, then came normal people and just this last january, before sunrise.

I re-read np in late 2023 as i felt the need to, when i realized i was falling really in love for the first time ever since my first love, which had a hold on me for almost 7 years (and i'm 20, that's a lot haha). i found that, somehow, it had meant even more to me the second time around.

january, this year, i caved in and watched before sunrise. i also had super high expectations but nothing could ever prepare me for what i received. it became one of my favourite movies ever, and it spoke to parts of me that i had either left uncared for.

to me, past lives came and fed that specific part. all of these pieces of media i spoke a lot on, they talk to and help me understand a feeling i've had in my heart ever since i can remember.

i always had a fascination with something i've come up with, to explain basically the foundation of everything i love, in art, in myself, in life, "the unsaid".

my definition of it, is that the unsaid lies within the dialog, the text, the spoken word, the writing itself. in media and in life. it's like subtext, but maybe even deeper. it's the look you give to your best friend across the room. it's the goodbye that gets trapped inside your throat the last time you talk to someone. it's the touch that never reaches itself out. it's the i love you you don't dare to let slip. it's the look you give someone when you stopped kissing them to just look at them. it's how your eyes light up whenever you see one of your favorite persons in the world. it's when you stop in your tracks in the middle of a party and gaze at your friends, and realize that life can be, in deed, beautiful, and how lucky you are. it also kinda relates to frances ha definition of what she looks for in a relationship, that really stuck with me.

i live for the unsaid. either be it in the art i consumme, or how i experience it in my life. it's what makes existing worth anything, personally. as past lives dialogs sm with this notion. all the scenes where hae sung and nora don't say a word to each other, their look speak millions. that reminded me of one of my favourite scenes from before sunrise, the famous booth scene. in all of the above, i sat unsable to shake a small laughter, or maybe a sly tear, in response to the volume of what was being communicated there.

i consider myself really lucky with the people i have in my life and this movie spoke to this, too. i have a childhood best friend who remains close to me, a sister, really, for over 10 years. i have another childhood friend, who was my first big crush and baby love i ever had, who i used to think i was gonna marry and have children with, to the extent i have drawings of it, still be my best friend to this day. i have friend since middle school, who i fell deeply in love with at the tender age of 13 and who remained my muse very well util my 19th year of being alive, and she was my first girlfriend, the first girl i kissed, and remains my best friend. i've also been lucky to experience such a short but beautifully loving experience with a close friend i made in college, in the latter part of 2023. i haven't really gotten over him, but it's fine, cause ever since watching before sunrise, i realized i had multiple - and i can't believe i'm refferencing tfios in the year of the lord, 2024 - infinities with. though i had grieved what seems to be the ending of our never named, never labelled, situationship, and i still feel a lot of things for him, i've become gratefull for having experience such interesting and soul touching things with him. for opening myself up for it. for admiting my feelings to him. for the leap of faith i took, even if i ended up stranded or hit by rocks at the bottom of the cliff. i'm grateful it happened, even if i still cry about it and have written many songs for him. no matter how long it'll take me to get "over" him, i'll live. and i'm happy it happened. he's become one of my favorite people in this life and this is something i don't say lightly and don't take for granted.

i think to me, the "meaning of life", is to collect this feelings and experiences that turn you into the person you are at the moment. i have no idea of who i'd be without all my influences. i've written mysel, but i was only able to, with the refferences and quotes of every friend i had, every person i loved, everyone who became my family or stopped being it. maybe it's my cancer moon and venus. but i'm really nothing more than a mosaic, a reflection of every single person present in my life (real or parassocial), a collection of words, spoken or not.

and yeah, i barelly spoke directly on past lives, but it's what i always tend to do anyways. i'm not here to make a detailed runthrough, analysis over the cinematography and the script, i might be an acting major but i lack the knowledge (or maybe just doubt i do). but this is, still, my journal, to track my experiences and thoughts. so that's what i did. and i don't think, at least right now, that this movie can really fit into aything i could try to say.

can't believe i forgot to update the fact that i finished art heist, baby! a few days ago :(

cw: spoilers for ahb!

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i had the ending spoiled for me, sorta, via TikTok, though i had guesses that reggie would be the one to die due to the constant foreshadowing in the text. but though calloused, I'm a hopeless romantic, so i still delluded myself into thinking something might actually be ok.

the ending was sooo bittersweet, the sweet part coming especially from the fact that this girlie is a brazilian girlie and we're basically never mentioned, unless is to utterly represent the country as a lawless land, or a crazy jungle filled with uncivilized and savage people (basically, with racist colonial and imperialist lens).

but although i cried a lot during reg's death scene, i have to admit i thought it would be sadder. don't get me wrong, it was so heartbreaking, but i think that after crimson rivers, my idea of sad just became so unbearably gigantic that it's probably concerning.

as i did, by accident in crimson rivers, a specific scene became etched with the soundtrack that was playing, and somehow fit perfectly: in cr, epiphany by taylor started playing when monty was dying in effie's arms, and back then, i misunderstood the lyric "watch you breathing, watch you breathing out" for "watch you bleeding, watch you bleeding out". tbh both fit, but my listening just made it even sm sadder and engraved in my memory. in ahb!, as well, i bet on losing dogs starts playing at reggie's death, and especially one line fell SOO beautifully over the text, that now I don't seem to remember, but it will stay with me no nonetheless.

anyways, beautiful fic, liked the characterization pretty well, though i have to admit i doubted pete untill the end, probably as some kind of ptsd from literally every single marauder fic AND original hp books 🤡

absolutely loved the dorlene there

but my highlight HAS TO GO to rosekiller

i had never really read a fic that had it, though i guessed i would enjoy the ship, and idk if it was specifically otrtbs take on those two characters, but i simply adored every single scene, line, literally everything about them. they were sooo funny and unhinged, but also laced with angst and it's just the perfect combination for me. it made me actually want to seek out specific fics where they are the main couple.

okay I'm gonna go back to reading ch 2 of my new giant marauder fic project, that i just started today ( it's desintegration) and I'll be back tomorrow to assess my first impressions, as always

i also want to review ahb! in depth, cause rn i really have to read bc i should actually just go to bed, but i need to address how much reading about so much art made my little heart warm up (i draw and paint, but had kind of a fallout with it all after i dropped out of a visual arts college course) so it was really nice to have the nerdy art discussion sprinkled on the fic.

ikr?? i started reading fanfiction in like 2014, when i got into larry (1d lore) and there were some fics that even people who didn't believe in larry ended up reading

i love how every fandom’s got its fics. you know the ones, that one way or the other, everyone has and probably will read at some point in their lives? and no one else would understand. like i could say “you’re hesitating, love” and an entire group of people will fall to their knees in a target

oh my god there are so many books to read and instruments to learn and languages to speak and poems to write and oranges to eat and ideologies to study and songs to sing and films to watch and people to kiss and

NOOO STOPP IT I CAN'T LAUGH RN

Pandora, whispering: It's okay, Reg. Just go flirt with him!

Regulus, steeling himself, walking up to James: Erm... are you a toaster?

James, confused: What? Why?

Regulus, mortified by what he's saying: Because I want to take a bath with you!

James:

Reg:

Pandora:

Barty, laughing: I taught him that one!

omfgg ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

everytime I remember that lesbian couple that have a marble statue of the two of them embracing and sleeping on a bed together over where their graves will be because the artists didn’t believe they would be able to be married before they died, so what they couldn’t have in life they could have in death, I fucking breakdown

wtf i loved it

@jegulus-microfic / february 6: murder / word count: 692 cw: consensual violence(?)

Regulus is having the shittiest day of his life. He started the day with a very detailed text from his lovely mother, reminding him of how much of a disappointment he is for dropping out of college to open a bar with his equally disappointing brother. Later, there was a mistake with the vodka delivery (it was not their usual brand), so he and Sirius had to make some awkward phone calls as the distributor refused to change it. Also, almost too late, they realised that all the ice in stock had melted during the night due to a power cut they weren't aware of, so he and Remus had to rush out to get more. The cherry on top was that the guy he was kind of seeing (mostly to fuck, if he's being honest) decided to get back with his ex, and the thing is, Regulus isn't angry or sad about it, because he saw it coming, but it adds up to the whole situation.

"You look like you're about to murder someone with that knife."

And now James Potter is here.

Everyone knows that if Regulus takes it upon himself to cut the limes, it is because he is at his limit and it is best to stay away. Everyone except James, who seems to have no sense of self-preservation.

"Are you volunteering?" he says without stopping what he is doing.

"Maybe I am. I'm sorry about Daniel, Sirius told me what happened."

"You know his name is Michael, James."

"Yeah, whatever. So what do you say if I help you blow off some steam?" he asks, leaning over the top of the bar.

Listen, Regulus knows he doesn't mean it like that, but he can't help but think of the older man in exactly that way. Blame it on the crush he has had on his brother's best friend for several years. So he just raises an eyebrow at him.

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that." James says after a moment. Is he smirking?

"Then what?"

"Have you ever heard of hurricane shots?"

"Of course, they ask Marlene and Dorcas for them all the time," he replies as he bends down to pick up some empty bottles. It's not rush hour yet, but it's important to get everything ready before then.

"Great, may I have one?"

"Sure, let me call Dorc-"

"From you. May I have one from you?" Regulus bumps his head on the counter as he stands up. James' idea to help him relax is going to give him a stroke.

"Sure." It's the only thing he says before the other man can say anything and he starts gathering what he needs for the shot. "Is vodka okay for your shot?" James just nods, but he can feel his eyes lingering as he pours the alcohol and the glass of water.

Regulus has never done this before but he knows the procedure, he sets everything down on the bartop and shortly afterwards he sits down on the edge of it, opening his legs to let James stand between them. His heart is racing but he looks up to remove the man's glasses (it would be a tragedy if they got ruined) and leaves them beside him. He hands the shot to his victim and rings the small bell they have for this purpose.

"Don't hold back." James says with that grin again as he places a hand on Regulus' thigh and promptly takes the shot, looking him in the eye. Oh, he hates him so much.

Regulus splashes him with the water and then slaps him.

He slaps him. Hard.

James shakes his head and runs a hand over his face to remove the water and his own hair from his forehead, then looks at him with an expression that can only be described as pure devotion, and Regulus knows it.

They kiss. Hard. In a way that only two idiots who have spent years pining for each other can do.

Cheers and shouts from the people in the bar. In the background, Sirius hands Remus some money.

"I knew it would work." Remus says.

life updates (sorta)

just finished beef, my brain is chemically altered permanently as of now

couple days ago i realized I'm actually in love with my friend as i listened to a letter to elise by the cure so i proceeded to hide and cry with my golden retriever on my lap and then i told the first (not a) person ever: sirius star. then i told the moon, referencing young & beautiful. yes, the larry fic.

wtf is wrong with me.

like fr

OHH BUT IT GETS WORSE, NOW MITSKI starts playing 😭 istg this movie is gonna be the death of me

(i also didn't know mitski when i first watched it)

hands down best soundtrack ever

or I'm just very queer and maybe sometimes a little depressed girlie

stoppppppp, which level of mentally ill am i for having to pause my rewatch of something great (which i had only watched in the beginning of 2020, before i knew phoebe bridgers) and while, at the time, i was already a big lorde stan, so i had already loved the fact that supercut was in the sountrack, esp with melodrama being my fave album ever at the time, but now that i find out that not one but two phoebe's songs are also in the soundtrack 😭😭😭

but here's where things get bad for this girly, bc when the guitar riff that opens motion sickness starts playing, i react like a normal human being, excited but normally so

but thennnn, when i tell you THE SECOND i heard scott's street i simply wanted to cry

THE SCENE WASN'T EVEN SAD to me but only listening to the INSTRUMENTALS bc the lyrics weren't even playing for either songs in the movie, istg

stoppppppp, which level of mentally ill am i for having to pause my rewatch of something great (which i had only watched in the beginning of 2020, before i knew phoebe bridgers) and while, at the time, i was already a big lorde stan, so i had already loved the fact that supercut was in the sountrack, esp with melodrama being my fave album ever at the time, but now that i find out that not one but two phoebe's songs are also in the soundtrack 😭😭😭

but here's where things get bad for this girly, bc when the guitar riff that opens motion sickness starts playing, i react like a normal human being, excited but normally so

but thennnn, when i tell you THE SECOND i heard scott's street i simply wanted to cry

THE SCENE WASN'T EVEN SAD to me but only listening to the INSTRUMENTALS bc the lyrics weren't even playing for either songs in the movie, istg

as one of my dear friends say, me matei

sirius “in love with being noticed, afraid of being seen” black is so relatable it’s sickening

they give me sm serotonin 😭

Sirius: you can't date James!

Regulus: why not?! Give me one good reason.

Sirius:

Sirius: I kissed him first.

Regulus:

James: in like year 3... on a dare... what does that-

Sirius: it's a brother rule. Not that you would know those, TRAITOR!

James: what rule??

Sirius: the first to get it keeps it. We don't share.

James: "it"? Don't I have a say in this?

Black brothers: no.

James:

Regulus: you have Lupin already! You're just gatekeeping Potter.

Sirius: bloody right, I am!

Regulus: well I marked him already so there's no going back from that. I win. *leaves dramatically*

Sirius: mark? What did he mean m- JAMES POTTER ARE YOU SHAGGING MY BABY BROTHER?!

James: I-I... *incoherent noises*

Sirius: *death stare*

James: I wouldn't- call it... Exactly- *runs*

Sirius: YOU BROTHERFUCKER!

art heis baby, ch 22 spoiler alert, ig

omfgGHHQLDODOWMXMVKALZLC

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ok so... first chapter that i cried profusely, shockingly it took me this long

also

finally found playlists to listem to while i read cause i found that to be so interesting as i read cr...

there's the angst, the pain, but also the beauty within the sadness...

reggie opening up so fearlessly, istg... also there was one line that really got me and it always scares me how much i relate to regulus characterization... when he says smth like "i though if i could still love them despite everything they had done, what was so horrible about me that they couldn't love me" and yeah, daddy issues were successfully triggered... though in this situation I'm much more a sirius kin... quite literally, even

still yeah, beautiful beautiful

soo sad to see myself closer to the ending