#kills myself [permanent] | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

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b4kuch1n · 1 month

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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

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sofipitch · 1 year

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I read Tazmuir's The Magician's Apprentice, a short story about a girl being trained to be a magician by this man/father figure and how it irreversibly changes her for the worst and I have been thinking about it all day. Not only does their magic seem to be the foundation for TLT's necromancy but the relationship between the magician and the girl is very much the same dynamic as John and Harrow, been gnawing on the walls thinking about this story

Anyways, everyone read it here it is very good

#the magician's name is even john #but he understands what he did is wrong but he also has a 'who little old me?' act about it #like what was he going to do? he couldn't help it #and when the girl is permanently changed for the worse in a similar way to harrow what can she do but keep going?#you keep living or you kill yourself the end #tlt #the locked tomb #tamsyn muir #harrow the ninth #i found a site with links to all TM's short stories online trying to pace myself woth reading them

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plaidpyjamas · 9 months

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why is everyone so obsessed with getting pregnant 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮 pls ignore me i just gotta rant a sec

#tokophobia #just want to read a cute x reader fic but y'all are obsessed with popping out babies #tbh it's weird I've always found it weird af #why would you EVER want to be pregnant??????????????#it's basically a parasite???? it could kill you???? even if it doesn't it permanently fucks your body up PLUS #now ya gotta deal with the little shit who WILL NOT let you sleep #no thanks I've help raise enough siblings I'm not chaining myself to one for a minimum of 18 years #plus pregnant bodies look so gross I'm not sorry i don't want to touch your parasite-swollen stomach i DON'T want to feel it #why do they ALWAYS grab you wrist and FORCE you to feel their nasty growth??!!!?!?!??#end rant I'll go play overwatch and calm down

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pending-trans-action-2 · 3 months

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Fuck me do I have fucking covid I can't taste anything

#im midway through making fucking thai green curry #aka one of the most delicious things on planet earth #and realised i literally cannot taste ANYTHING #if this is permanent i will kill myself im not joking cooking is like the only thing in life i truly enjoy doing #i will just peace out if i lose the last good thing i have im not joking

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quietwingsinthesky · 1 month

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s10 AU with jack just so that we can add another guy to this polycule situation going on. the doctor’s late wife river, his robot husband nardole, his evil imprisoned wife missy, and his boytoy jack harkness.

#jack doesn’t get the title of husband because he didn’t want it. he thinks boytoy is funnier. the doctor hates it so much.#(and also jack has Commitment Issues of the ‘what if i let myself get too attached to the doctor again only for him to ditch me a second #time that would actually kill me for real. override immortality and murder me. to death. permanently.’)#dear god can you imgine jack on the ‘let’s redeem missy’ team. first of all. first of all. doctor she tortured him. and she won’t even #apologize for it. but second of all oh my god jack is the worst possible person to give anyone moral advice. mr torchwood should not be #trusted to do that ever. just let him be eye candy like he was meant to be. being in charge of things stresses his pretty little brain out.

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july-19th-club · 2 years

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jonathan 'ride AND die' harker: if my wife turns into a vampire and we have to kill her im turning into a vampire too

#mina: if i ever start feeling like im going to hurt you guys ill kill myself #van helsing: actually don't do that bc then we'll just have two vampires #jonathan: that's three vampires .if my girl is a member of the unclean undead im a member of the unclean undead thank you very much #if my girl has a permanent and visible sign of her suffering i have a permanent and visible sign of my suffering #dracula daily

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soldier-poet-king · 2 months

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I need a cat I need a cat SO bad

#the duality of fran #i need to care for smthn #to like. the kindness and respect of boundaries and the gentle care i cant give myself #skittish stray vibe yknow. and like.#the quiet companionship. the care. the CARE. i am so ready to be gentle to a small lovely creature #unfortunately. that is years away.#have to wait til fully moved out and stable/permanent non contract employment #bc if i have to move back in with mt parents theyll make me get rid of it #and also allergies so id probably want to buy a fancier breed. i would literally be so happy with a shelter mutt #if my allergies would not kill me for it #maybe immunotherapy. idk

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strwbrymlkshake · 7 months

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It's difficult dealing with so many people who think we aren't meant to be with eachother. I don't get why someone else's relationship can mean so much to bystanders. Can't you find something else to do?

#mine #yandere #yancore #irl yandere #yanderecore #yandere vent #yanposting #i just. self confidence can only get you so far. surrounded by people who are saying awful things wears me down so much #i hate them so much and i wish they never existed. its making me stronger supposedly but the only thing i feel like its actually doing is #making me violent and miserable and angry and nauseous. please stop saying those things about him #i try to block it out but its literally everywhere. this is all i have. this is ALL I HAVE. BUT IT DOESNT MATTER HUH #and it feels like theyre all against me. and the only thing i can do is cry and hate them more and more #and the only thing i can do is love him the most. but only by myself. because no one can comprehend the lengths i would go #and no one takes it seriously and appreciates that its the only thing keeping me sane and the only reason why im here rn #but then again. they dont matter do they?#i just need to permanently kill that part of me that cares what they think. because nothing else and no one else matters!! ok??

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autistic-katara · 6 months

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what the fuck??? 😭

#babes i’m fine 😭#i mean fine is a relative word but the chance of me offing myself (intentionally or unintentionally) r quite low rn #other than that i dont rlly see any point in being concerned bcz if it doesnt kill or idk permanently disable me why do u care #trying to figure out what this is even about lmao #mental breakdown got so bad tumblr asked if i was ok #idk #ryan shut the fuck up #needs id

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 5 months

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brain shut up about wanting to overdose despite litcherally not having anything in my control that i COULD fatally overdose on challnege: impossible

#i am So Tired Of This #i want to take out my brain and beat it with a stick #lol my psych asking re:methods yesterday confirmed same methods are in my mind but completely forgot about the two (2) other methods #that have been consuming my brain. both of which i do not have access to #realistically i don't have access to any methods that would actually kill me atp except for possible complications which are unlikely and #far more likely to cause permanent health effects so no thanks #personal #tw suicide #i mean sure i could freak myself up right good but also nope not doing that #idk im tired

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bgsdraws · 2 years

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I'm having a breakdown so I quickly did this to calm me down

#attack on titan #eren yeager #falco grice #my art #fanart #the blorbos #i love them #they bring me peace #and peace is all i need or ill commit murder #or worse #killing myself in front of my brother to permanently chane his life /hj

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mainfaggot · 12 days

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people watching makes me so calm it's crazy

#maybe i dont want to kill myself this year. i just want to watch the seasons change and then close my eyes permanently one (distant) day #-> watch me get so suicidal in like 2 weeks LOL I'll have to read this post back to myself then #z.post

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godsfavoritescientist · 9 months

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How do I explain the ways in which the bill origins fic 'A Romance of Many Dimensions' by haley3 rewired my brain without needing to give paragraphs upon paragraphs of context. The fic is something like 200,000 words long. Almost every single good moment calls back to things that are set up earlier in the fic

#godsrambles #girl help 'the colors in our universe are the same as the ones in his home dimension because our universe is made out of a piece of bill'#makes NO sense without adding way more context #not to speak of 'bill is obsessed with ford because he can Feel the same cosmic thread connecting them as the one that drew him towards-#-meeting his henchmaniacs which makes him convinced against all odds that ford is gonna join him'#and the long beginning is set in flatland. its what finally got me to read the book flatland #and now I will literally think to myself 'its not that i Have to do x or y tasks. i GET to do x or y tasks isnt that great'#'i get to live in a physical form that experiences so many vivid thoughts and sensations while on bills favorite planet in the multiverse'#and i will be like 'why should i drag my feet about learning this or doing that. bill was literally trapped in a 2d world-'#'and KILLED to be able to experience a life as 3d and colorful as the one im in'#'and just like bill was so desperate to learn and see and do Everything that the axolotl gave him a ton of power so he could do that.'#'i Also want to learn and do and see everything i possibly can. and i literally HAVE the chance to do that'#'so i'd better start actually Trying to do and see and learn everything i can'#and then i brush my teeth slightly more often or whatever #fucking unhinged and ridiculous way of getting myself to do tasks #the events of this fic arent even my headcanon for bills powers and backstory. i just think its neat!#and now my brain has been permanently rewired by a got dam fan fic.#anyways sorry for all the spoilers but i mean. i doubt many folks would decide to read a fic that long without being intrigued by spoilers #most frustrating thing is that the hard hitting spoilers SEEM understandable without context.#but i promise there is a lot of context missing that makes it make sense why they are good plot points and not just weird random happenings #edit: its 200000 words not 600000. how did I misread that

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aroace-poly-show · 1 month

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the great thing about accepting the very high likelihood that i’m not gonna make it past senior year is that it helps calm any worries abt what i need to do that’ll look pretty on transcripts ^-^

#i’m gonna fucking kill myself dude i know i am i’m not god’s strongest soldier #it’s just not happening #i’m permanently tired #wiaghdbsbfd #vent #sorryyyyyyyyy

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liyazaki · 1 year

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#ooo boy- a . post #i never do these #is this how this works?#ANYgay. to any of my younger friends who feel like they’re falling behind or will never catch up #it hit me today that i got everything i wanted pretty much- realized it wasn’t for me- fought against it not being for me #& now i’m basically blowing up a huge part of my life at almost 35 #it’s the weirdest feeling #it feels inevitable & like i’m finally accepting it wasn’t working #while simultaneously fighting like hell against the reality that said thing is actually ending #& feeling like a failure that i couldn’t make it work #that i couldn’t get my heart to fucking cooperate #like maybe i’m just a little broken- permanently #because most people would kill to have what i had #but it didn’t make me happy anymore #it made me feel- stuck. bitter. a version of myself i don’t like #just venting here but cut yourself some slack #take it from me: that dream of a perfect relationship- a perfect job- whatever your fantasy is #you’d be overjoyed it happened but life never stops #*you’ll* never stop- learning growing adapting changing #the proverbial finish line doesn’t exist #& sometimes what used to fit so perfectly it felt like a dream may start feeling like a straight jacket #i’m not saying don’t work at it #i’m not saying don’t try to get better- be better #but listen to that little voice #it doesn’t go away if you try to silence it #it doesn’t go away if you ignore it #because that voice? it’s you.#(reminder to self)#all that being said: everything feels awful & on fire today & i’m not saying maybe send me fun asks to distract me buuut-#will private later

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